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Books Psychology Attached
Attached
The New Science of Adult Attachment and How
It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love
by Amir Levine 2012 304 pages
4.14 92k+ ratings
Psychology Self Help Relationships
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Key Takeaways
1. Attachment styles shape our romantic
relationships
"Attachment styles are stable but plastic."
Understanding attachment theory is crucial for navigating romantic
relationships. Developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, this theory
describes how our early experiences with caregivers shape our
expectations and behaviors in adult relationships. There are three main
attachment styles:
Anxious: Crave intimacy but fear abandonment
Avoidant: Value independence and struggle with closeness
Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and independence
These styles are not set in stone. While they tend to remain consistent
over time, they can change through experiences and conscious effort.
Recognizing your attachment style and that of your partner can provide
invaluable insights into relationship dynamics, helping you address issues
more effectively and work towards a more secure bond.
2. Anxious attachment: Craving
closeness yet fearing rejection
"People with an anxious attachment style have a
supersensitive attachment system."
Hypervigilance to relationship threats is a hallmark of anxious attachment.
Those with this style are acutely aware of even subtle signs of potential
rejection or abandonment. This heightened sensitivity can lead to:
Constant worry about the relationship's status
Need for frequent reassurance from their partner
Tendency to misinterpret neutral actions as negative
Protest behaviors are common responses when an anxiously attached
person feels threatened. These can include excessive attempts to
reestablish contact, withdrawing to provoke a reaction, or acting hostile.
While these behaviors aim to secure closeness, they often have the
opposite effect, pushing partners away and creating a self-fulfilling
prophecy of relationship instability.
3. Avoidant attachment: Valuing
independence over intimacy
"Deactivating strategies are any thoughts or feelings that
compel you to get close, physically or emotionally, to your
partner."
Fear of losing independence drives avoidant attachment behaviors. People
with this style often use "deactivating strategies" to maintain emotional
distance, such as:
Focusing on a partner's flaws to justify detachment
Avoiding deep emotional conversations
Prioritizing work or hobbies over the relationship
The "phantom ex" phenomenon is common among avoidants. They may
idealize past relationships, using these memories as a barrier to intimacy in
their current partnership. This idealization allows them to believe in the
possibility of love while keeping their current partner at arm's length.
4. Secure attachment: The foundation of
healthy relationships
"True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind."
Emotional stability characterizes secure attachment. Secure individuals are
comfortable with both intimacy and independence, creating relationships
marked by:
Open communication
Mutual support and trust
Ability to navigate conflicts constructively
The "secure base effect" is a powerful benefit of secure attachment.
Secure partners provide a safe haven from which their loved ones can
explore the world and pursue personal growth. This support fosters
independence paradoxically by providing a reliable foundation of emotional
security.
5. The anxious-avoidant trap: A cycle of
mismatched needs
"The anxious-avoidant trap, because like a trap, you fall
into it with no awareness, and like a trap, once you're
caught, it's hard to break free."
Opposing attachment needs create a destructive dynamic in anxious-
avoidant pairings. The anxious partner's need for closeness triggers the
avoidant partner's need for space, creating a cycle of pursuit and
withdrawal. This leads to:
Chronic dissatisfaction for both partners
Escalating conflicts over seemingly minor issues
One partner (usually the anxious one) making most compromises
Breaking the cycle requires both partners to recognize the pattern and
work towards more secure behaviors. This often involves the anxious
partner learning to self-soothe and the avoidant partner becoming more
comfortable with intimacy.
6. Effective communication: The key to
understanding and being understood
"Effective communication works on the understanding that
we all have very specific needs in relationships, many of
which are determined by your attachment style."
Expressing needs clearly is essential for healthy relationships. Effective
communication involves:
Being honest about your feelings and needs
Focusing on specific behaviors rather than making generalizations
Avoiding blame and criticism
Partner responsiveness to effective communication is crucial. A partner
who dismisses or belittles your concerns may not be capable of meeting
your needs. Conversely, a partner who listens and works to understand,
even if they disagree, shows potential for a secure relationship.
7. Conflict resolution: Secure principles
for healthier disagreements
"All couples—even secure ones—have their fair share of
fights."
Constructive conflict is possible when both partners follow secure
principles:
1. Show basic concern for the other's well-being
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand
3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict
4. Be willing to engage
5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs
Avoiding insecure tactics is crucial during disagreements. These include
getting sidetracked from the real issue, resorting to personal attacks, or
withdrawing from the conflict entirely. By sticking to secure principles,
couples can use conflicts as opportunities for growth and deeper
understanding.
8. Reshaping your attachment style:
Moving towards security
"Attachment styles are stable but plastic. This means that
they tend to stay consistent over time, but they can also
change."
Self-awareness is the first step in changing your attachment style.
Recognizing your patterns in relationships allows you to challenge and
modify them. Tools for this process include:
Creating a relationship inventory to identify recurring issues
Developing an "integrated secure role model" to emulate
Practicing effective communication and secure conflict resolution
Gradual progress is key. Changing ingrained patterns takes time and effort,
but even small shifts towards more secure behaviors can significantly
improve relationship satisfaction and overall well-being.
9. Choosing the right partner:
Compatibility in attachment needs
"Secure people fit almost every description across the
personality spectrum."
Attachment compatibility is crucial for long-term relationship success.
While secure individuals can often form healthy relationships with anxious
or avoidant partners, pairings of similar attachment styles (especially
secure-secure) tend to be most satisfying. When dating:
Look for "smoking guns" that indicate incompatible attachment needs
Use effective communication early to express your needs and gauge
response
Don't mistake an activated attachment system (anxiety, obsession) for
love
The "abundance philosophy" can help anxious individuals avoid settling for
incompatible partners. By dating multiple people casually before
committing, you maintain objectivity and are less likely to become overly
attached to someone who can't meet your needs.
10. Breaking up: When to let go and how
to cope
"The pain is real!"
Recognizing when to end a relationship is crucial, especially in anxious-
avoidant pairings that have become toxic. Signs it may be time to leave
include:
Chronic dissatisfaction and unmet needs
Feeling like "the enemy" rather than a valued partner
Inability to resolve conflicts constructively despite repeated attempts
Coping with separation is challenging due to the biological nature of
attachment. Strategies for managing the pain include:
Building a support network before breaking up
Meeting attachment needs through other relationships (family, friends)
Allowing yourself to grieve without shame
Remembering that the pain is temporary and healing is possible
11. The power of a secure base:
Fostering growth and independence
"The dependency paradox: The more effectively dependent
people are on one another, the more independent and daring
they become."
Mutual support is the foundation of a secure relationship. By providing a
reliable "secure base" for each other, partners can:
Pursue personal goals with confidence
Explore the world and take risks
Develop greater independence and self-reliance
Creating a secure base involves:
Being available when your partner needs support
Encouraging their pursuits without interfering
Celebrating their successes and comforting them during setbacks
This dynamic allows both individuals to grow while maintaining a strong
emotional connection, leading to a more fulfilling and resilient relationship.
Last updated: July 26, 2024
Review Summary
4.14 out of 5
Average of 92k+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.
Attached receives mixed reviews. Many readers find it insightful and
life-changing, praising its explanation of attachment styles and
relationship dynamics. They appreciate the practical advice and
examples provided. However, some criticize its simplistic approach,
heteronormative focus, and perceived bias towards anxious
attachment styles. Critics also note the lack of diverse relationship
examples and question the universal applicability of the attachment
theory framework. Despite these criticisms, many readers still find
value in the book's core concepts and relationship advice.
About the Author
Dr. Amir Levine, MD is a psychiatrist and neuroscientist specializing
in adult, child, and adolescent mental health. He has conducted
extensive neuroscience research at Columbia University under the
guidance of Nobel Prize winner Eric Kandel. Levine's background in
psychiatry and neuroscience informs his approach to understanding
human relationships and attachment styles. His work combines
clinical experience with scientific research, providing a unique
perspective on adult romantic relationships. Levine's expertise in
both mental health and neuroscience allows him to bridge the gap
between psychological theory and practical relationship advice, as
demonstrated in his book "Attached."
