Relationships make me anxious!

All of us long for deep, safe and satisfying connections with others. Not all of us however,
received the tools and skills to create this effectively. The good news is, with knowledge and
training we can achieve more lasting, fulfilling relationships.

Most of us will have a style of interacting, reacting and bonding with others that was created
and carved out by the types of interactions we experienced with our own caregivers growing
up. In psychology we refer to this as our "attachment style".

There are 4 main styles we've identified. I have attempted to outline very briefly these styles
in the hope that this may help you understand the motivating forces and impetus behind
your own behaviours in relationship as well as your partner's.

SECURE ATTACHEMENT STYLE

If you grew up with caregivers who, for the most part, were available to meet your needs in a
responsive and appropriate manner and provided a safe haven with consistent affection and
attention, then you were likely to develop a secure style of attachment.

Growing up, this will have allowed you to feel safe in the world, interact with others with
trust and have confidence in your choices in relationships.

In relationships, you'll likely have a healthy sense of boundaries and find it relatively easy to
get close to others. You'll feel comfortable depending on others and having others depend
on you and will easily trust that others will be there when you need them.

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

If you have an avoidant attachment style you may have had one of two experiences growing
up.

You may either have grown up with caregivers that were emotionally disengaged and who at
times could even be insensitive or hostile to your needs for connection and affection. This
can happen in families where there's been parental fighting, a divorce, a loss, an illness or
alcohol use. Or it can simply be that your caregiver was more distant, unaffectionate, cold,
removed or critical.

On the other hand you may have grown up feeling very close to one parent who may have
been deeply involved in your activities and developing your talents. However, you may also
have been the source of emotional support for this parent and acted as their "best friend".
Your parent may have turned to you for comfort and advice even at an early age, and you
may have felt guilty spending time away from him/her. Although it looked like you were
close, your needs were secondary to your parent's sense of happiness.

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 Growing up with either of these types of relationships you may have learned to disconnect
from your own emotional and physical needs as a coping strategy. Justin recalls a memory
where he fell out of a tree as a child and it was only 24 hours later when the nurse at school
realized his arm was actually broken. His mother had dismissed his cries of pain.

As an adult you may find it hard to trust others will be there when you need them and feel
more comfortable claiming "personal invulnerability and independence". You may feel
uncomfortable in being close with others and get nervous when anyone wants to get too
close to you. Saying "I love you" may feel too risky.

You will be more prone to experience a fear of inundation in relationships. That means a
fear of being smothered, trapped, controlled or boxed in. Because breathing room is so
important for you, you may set rigid boundaries, tend to see the world and people as
right/wrong, good/bad.

You may minimize the importance of relationships or just think they are not a big deal to
you. You may develop an attitude of not "needing anything or anyone". This could make it
hard for you to make emotional connections and in the long run you may find yourself
feeling alone and isolated in your relationship because it's hard to let anyone in.

Because you've learned to put your own emotional needs aside you may downplay or not be
conscious of the negative impact of difficulties in your relationships or on your partner.

ANXIOUS /AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT STYLE

If you have more of an anxious/ambivalent style, you may have grown up with caregivers
who tended to be more inconsistent in how they attended to your needs where sometimes
they were "on" and other times "off". This is often seen in a parent who is engaged, but
more on her/his own terms. Your needs may have been ignored until some other activity
was completed. As a result, you never knew whether today you would get what you wanted
and needed. Sylvia remembers the many times promises were broken because of her
mother's unpredictable drinking.

With this type of care you learned to be very attuned to the moods of others. You may have
been on the constant look-out for cues and clues on how your behaviour was affecting your
caregivers.

As an adult you will have a stronger fear of abandonment. For you, there's no such thing as
being too close in relationship. Your idea of being close is to become "one" which makes
you feel entitled to your partner's every thought, feeling, movement and fantasy. Your
preoccupation will be more with the bond, how much your partner loves you and if he/she
might leave.

As a result you may have a tendency to interpret healthy natural separation as abandonment.
You may easily disregard other's boundaries or not take them seriously because you believe

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3126 West Broadway, Vancouver, BC V6K 2H3
Copyright ©2013 Alpine Anxiety and Stress Relief Clinic Tel. (604) 732-3930 Fax. (604) 732-4298
 that "what's yours is ours" and expect that "if you really loved me you would think and want
everything I do". Boundaries make you feel locked out, distant and rejected. Alana finds no
problem in dipping into Victor's French fries without ever asking him.

You will usually be the one to work hard at making relationships work. You may be willing
to do anything not to lose the relationship and hold on to poor relationships forever
believing that if only there was one more thing you can do. This can make you prone to
being used by others and feeling betrayed and hurt.

The challenge with this style is that no matter how much your partner gives you it never feels
like enough and you may find yourself chronically dissatisfied in relationships and complain
that your partner is not available. This can leave your partner feeling discouraged at never
being able to fulfill your needs.

This is reinforced by the fact that when your partner does become available and give you
what you want it's so foreign to you that you don't trust it. In this dance the loss of the
relationship is both feared and self-created.

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT STYLE

A disorganized style of attachment basically has a more equal balance of abandonment and
inundation fears. Although you have a great desire for connection and intimacy, you have an
almost equal fear of it.

As a child, a number of different scenarios could have occurred. You may have had parents
that set up interactions that were frightening, disorienting, crazy making or impossible to
achieve. Abbey was frequently asked to choose which parent she preferred knowing that
one parent was going to feel terribly hurt. Sasha, the youngest child and only daughter was
aware of how her mother was jealous of her relationship with her father. No matter how
hard Frank tried he could never do things "right" for his father.

On the other hand you may have experienced one caregiver being more emotionally distant
while the other was trying to be very close. Or you may have been presented with double
binding messages from your caregiver like "come here and go away". This is commonly seen
in cases where a mother may have suffered a major loss or trauma shortly before or after the
birth of a baby and became depressed.

If you've developed a more disorganized style, as a child you may have been more prone to
rocking or hitting yourself.

As an adult you clearly want to be in relationship but when things get too close you feel like
you're being controlled or things might get dangerous. Distance will trigger your fears of
abandonment and closeness with trigger your fear of inundation.

When all is going well, you may feel overwhelmed with the good feelings and then may do

www.anxietyandstressrelief.com ________________________________________________
3126 West Broadway, Vancouver, BC V6K 2H3
Copyright ©2013 Alpine Anxiety and Stress Relief Clinic Tel. (604) 732-3930 Fax. (604) 732-4298
 something to make your partner angry and turn away from you. Feeling unloved you may
then try to work hard at making up. It's a game of "not too close, not too far".

A hallmark of this attachment style is the attitude that "nobody can tell Me what to do"
because you don't like being told "how to be or who to be" as this may have been a strong
message you received in your childhood. It may be hard for you to follow through on
commitments, be on time or even express appreciation. Because of the unpredictability of
how your needs were not met growing up, you tend to be pretty attached to having things
done your way because you're so afraid you won't get what you hope for.

Although nobody fits wholeheartedly into one attachment style most of us can recognize the
predominant influences in our relationships.

In addition, the degree to which our style is manifested depends much on the style of our
partner. A strong anxious ambivalent type in relationship with a secure type will have a very
different dynamic than if they are married to a strong avoidant type. The latter combination
can play a real tug of war where one is battling for closeness while the other is battling for
breathing room.

These styles are not pathological but ordinary human ways we have learned to cope with the
kind of care we received - they just might not work all that well for us in adulthood.

Just like you can't get rid of your history you can't get rid of your attachment style. Styles
will vary in range - whether you are more abandonment or inundation and in intensity - the
degree to which your style is felt and acted out. The range is fairly permanent but the
intensity, the variable that creates the barrier in relationship, can change. With recognition
and acceptance and by learning new skills for lowering the reactions triggered by your fears
you can learn to create more fulfilling relationships.

Written by:
Claire Maisonneuve, MA.
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic

May, 2013

www.anxietyandstressrelief.com ________________________________________________
3126 West Broadway, Vancouver, BC V6K 2H3
Copyright ©2013 Alpine Anxiety and Stress Relief Clinic Tel. (604) 732-3930 Fax. (604) 732-4298