Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others

think it is a waste of time.

While it’s undeniable that art and its consequence mark a key point thorough the evolution of
human and therefore art should be considered as a necessary subject for children to study,
many people argue that there is no need to spend much time on studying art. From my point
of view, much as I understand why somebody support the latter opinion, I’m still in favour
with the former due to beneficial impacts which art has on pupils.

To begin with, I’m in side with the opinion stating that art should be regarded as a subject for
several reasons. Firstly, by drawing and painting with the assist of specific teachers,
students therefore can improve their own characteristics, such as creativity, concentration
and being more observant. Students not only become more imaginative owing to constantly
thinking of how to draw in accordance with their own styles and how to use efficiently
colours, but they are also accustomed to highly focusing on their own tasks as well as learn
to see and notice even the tiniest details of the whole panorama. On top of that, after
spending much time on stressful lessons like math of other subjects relating to calculation,
students can refresh their mind and reduce stress by studying art. Generally speaking, art is
a mean of entertainment due to the fact that it stimulates human’s enjoyment, and, therefore,
attaching an art lessons among other crucial subjects may help students to relax and fulfill
their well-being before continuing to concentrate on next lessons.

However, those who believe that studying art is a waste of time may have several
arguments. Firstly, it’s undoubted that art depends partly on innate traits, and, as a result,
while art may be a riveting subject with some students, others don’t feel like studying it,
considering that they realise that they don’t have the ability to draw well. For instance,
students who are excelled at math may find art too challenging to them because they’re
good at calculating but lack of skills required for drawing. Beside that, many people consider
the goal of pursuing education is getting a highly paid jobs. Therefore, focusing on studying
subjects which they’re in need of is their primary purpose and other irrelevant subjects, such
as art and music, are unnecessary.

All things considered, much as I acknowledge why some people hold the latter opinion, I still
believe that art is necessary for students and needs teaching at school.

Nâng cấp lập luận

Introduction: While it’s undeniable that art and its consequence mark a key point thorough
the evolution of human and therefore art should be considered as a necessary subject for
children to study, many people argue that there is no need to spend much time on studying
art. From my point of view, much as I understand why somebody support the latter opinion,
I’m still in favour with the former due to beneficial impacts which art has on pupils.

Feedback for Introduction:

Clear Position: The introduction effectively states your position by acknowledging the
opposing view but ultimately favoring the necessity of art education. This clear stance sets a
good foundation for the argumentative essay.

Relevance: The introduction is relevant to the essay question as it addresses the debate
between the necessity and waste of time for art education. However, it could be improved by
more explicitly stating the reasons why you believe art is essential, which would enhance the
clarity and direction of the essay.
Brief Overview: The introduction lacks a brief overview of the main points that will be
discussed in the essay. Including a summary of the key arguments for and against art
education would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader and enhance the introduction's
effectiveness.

Improved Introduction: The debate over whether art should be a compulsory subject in
schools is a contentious one. While some argue that art is a waste of time, I firmly believe
that it is essential for children's development. This essay will explore the benefits of art
education, including its impact on creativity, focus, and stress relief, and will address the
counterarguments that suggest it is not necessary for academic success.

Main Point 1: To begin with, I’m in side with the opinion stating that art should be regarded
as a subject for several reasons. Firstly, by drawing and painting with the assist of specific
teachers, students therefore can improve their own characteristics, such as creativity,
concentration and being more observant. Students not only become more imaginative owing
to constantly thinking of how to draw in accordance with their own styles and how to use
efficiently colours, but they are also accustomed to highly focusing on their own tasks as well
as learn to see and notice even the tiniest details of the whole panorama.

Feedback for Main Point 1:

Argumentative Logic: The argument effectively links art education to the development of
specific student characteristics like creativity, concentration, and observation skills. The
logical flow from art activities to these benefits is clear and well-structured, making the
argument persuasive.

Overgeneralizations: The claim that art improves creativity and concentration for all
students might be slightly overgeneralized. While art can enhance these skills, it's important
to acknowledge that individual responses to art education can vary based on personal
aptitude and learning styles.

Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The supporting ideas are relevant and
effectively illustrate the benefits of art education. The examples of drawing and painting as
tools for developing creativity and focus are well-chosen and directly support the main
argument.

Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "accustomed to highly focusing on

their own tasks" could be clarified. It might be more precise to say "developed the ability to
focus intensely on their tasks."

Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that all students will benefit equally
from art education, which may not account for differences in learning styles or aptitudes. It
would be beneficial to acknowledge that while art can be beneficial, it may not be equally
effective for all students.

Overly Assertive Language: The language used is generally appropriate, but could be
softened slightly to acknowledge that while art is beneficial, its impact can vary among
students. Phrases like "can help develop" or "may enhance" would provide a more balanced
perspective.

Overall Evaluation: Well Extended and Supported

Suggestions for Improvement:

Acknowledge Individual Differences: Introduce a discussion on how art education can
cater to different learning styles and aptitudes, ensuring that the benefits are not limited to a
specific group of students.

Clarify and Expand on Focus Development: Provide more detailed examples or

explanations of how art activities specifically enhance focus and observation skills. This
could include discussing the role of art in developing spatial awareness or the ability to
analyze complex visual information.

Balance the Argument: While maintaining the core benefits of art education, it would be
beneficial to briefly address potential limitations or challenges in implementing art programs
effectively in schools, such as resource constraints or curriculum priorities.

Improved Main Point 1: I strongly advocate for art education as a vital subject for children,
as it significantly enhances their cognitive and creative abilities. Through activities like
drawing and painting, students develop their imagination, concentration, and observational
skills. These artistic pursuits not only foster creativity but also improve focus and attention to
detail, allowing students to

Task Response
Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:

Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument: those who support
art as essential and those who view it as a waste of time. It discusses reasons why art is
beneficial, such as fostering creativity and providing stress relief, and acknowledges
opposing viewpoints.

How to improve: The essay could improve by providing a clearer structure that explicitly
addresses each part of the prompt. Ensuring that each paragraph directly relates to either
supporting or opposing the necessity of art in schools would enhance clarity and
completeness.

Present a Clear Position Throughout:

Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear stance in favor of art as an
essential subject. However, the introduction could more clearly establish this position from
the outset, and some paragraphs waver slightly in maintaining a consistent focus on
supporting this viewpoint.

How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic
sentence that reinforces the essay's stance on the importance of art in education. Avoid
language that might undermine the firmness of the argument.

Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas such as the benefits of art for creativity and
stress relief. It attempts to elaborate on these ideas but often lacks specific examples or
detailed elaboration, which weakens the overall argument.
How to improve: Incorporate specific examples or studies that demonstrate how art
enhances creativity or reduces stress in students. This would provide stronger support for
the argument and add depth to the essay's discussion.

Stay on Topic:

Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally drifts into
broader discussions not directly related to the prompt, such as the purpose of education in
obtaining highly paid jobs.

How to improve: Focus more closely on addressing each aspect of the prompt directly.
Avoid tangents that do not directly contribute to discussing whether art should be taught in
schools.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents a
coherent argument for the inclusion of art in education. To improve, the essay would benefit
from clearer organization, stronger and more specific examples to support its points, and a
more consistent focus on directly addressing the prompt throughout.

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information

logically. It follows a typical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs presenting
arguments, and a conclusion. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be
smoother, such as in the transition between arguments or in the coherence within
paragraphs.

How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph focuses on
one main idea supported by relevant examples. Use transition words and phrases to connect
ideas between paragraphs more effectively. For example, starting new paragraphs with
phrases like "Furthermore," or "On the other hand," can help signal shifts in argumentation.

Use Paragraphs:

Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different points, which is
essential for clarity. However, some paragraphs are overly long, making it challenging for the
reader to follow the progression of ideas. Additionally, paragraph structure could benefit from
more topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph.

How to improve: Aim for clearer paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph begins
with a topic sentence that encapsulates the main point. Break longer paragraphs into smaller
ones where different ideas are discussed. This will improve readability and help maintain the
coherence of the essay.

Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

Detailed explanation: The essay employs a basic range of cohesive devices, such as
pronouns ("it," "they"), conjunctions ("therefore," "besides"), and some transitional phrases
("To begin with," "However," "All things considered"). While these devices are used, their
variety and effectiveness could be enhanced to better connect ideas and arguments
throughout the essay.

How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices, including synonyms for
repeated words, parallel structures, and more advanced transition phrases. For instance,
using cohesive devices like "Moreover," "In contrast," and "Consequently" can strengthen
the connections between ideas and enhance overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably good level of coherence and cohesion,
improvements in organizing information more logically, structuring paragraphs effectively,
and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to achieving a higher band score. These
adjustments will enhance clarity, coherence, and the overall impact of the essay's
argumentation.

Lexical Resource
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary

appropriate for the task. The writer effectively uses words such as "undeniable,"
"consequence," "beneficial impacts," "entertainment," "innate traits," "riveting," and "crucial,"
among others, to express ideas and arguments.

How to improve: To further enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more
sophisticated synonyms and expressions where possible. For instance, instead of "crucial,"
phrases like "vital importance" or "paramount significance" could be used to add depth and
variety.

Use Vocabulary Precisely:

Detailed explanation: There are instances where vocabulary is used effectively to convey
precise meaning, such as "stimulates human’s enjoyment" and "lack of skills required for
drawing." However, some phrases like "art and its consequence mark a key point" could
benefit from more precise wording to improve clarity.

How to improve: Aim for greater precision by choosing words that precisely capture the
intended meaning. For example, instead of "consequence," consider using "role" or "impact"
depending on the context. This will help avoid ambiguity and strengthen your arguments.

Use Correct Spelling:

Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained throughout the essay, with
only a few minor errors (e.g., "panorama" instead of "panoramic"). Overall, the essay
demonstrates a good level of spelling accuracy.

How to improve: To improve spelling further, consider proofreading carefully and using
spell-check tools. Pay particular attention to common problem areas such as homophones
("there," "their," "they're") and irregularly spelled words ("accommodate," "occasionally").

In summary, while the essay effectively utilizes a reasonable range of vocabulary with
generally precise usage and maintains good spelling accuracy, there is room for
improvement to enhance the variety and precision of vocabulary used. Continued practice in
selecting more nuanced vocabulary and careful proofreading will contribute to further
improving your lexical resource in future essays.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4

Use a Wide Range of Structures:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. It

includes simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, simple sentences are
used for straightforward statements ("While it’s undeniable that art..."). Compound sentences
link ideas effectively ("Students not only become more imaginative owing to constantly
thinking..."). However, there is a tendency towards repetitive sentence structures, which
limits the essay's range and impacts its overall fluency.

How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more

complex sentences with subordinate clauses to add depth and complexity to your
arguments. For instance, using conditional sentences (e.g., "If art were integrated more
deeply into the curriculum, students might find greater appreciation for its benefits.") or
passive constructions (e.g., "Art is often overlooked in educational planning, despite its
profound impact on student development.") could enhance both clarity and sophistication.

Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable grammatical issues throughout. There
are frequent errors in subject-verb agreement ("From my point of view, much as I
understand why somebody support..."), verb tense consistency ("...due to the fact that it
stimulates human’s enjoyment"), and article usage ("...a mean of entertainment").
Punctuation errors include missing commas in compound sentences and inconsistent use of
capitalization.

How to improve: Improving grammatical accuracy starts with reviewing basic grammar
rules, particularly focusing on verb conjugation, tense consistency, and proper use of articles
and punctuation marks. For instance, revise sentences carefully to ensure subjects agree
with their verbs ("students therefore can improve" should be "students, therefore, can
improve"), and use commas correctly to separate clauses within compound sentences.
Proofreading each paragraph aloud can also help identify and correct these errors before
submission.

Overall, while the essay effectively argues for the importance of art education, the
grammatical errors and somewhat limited sentence structure variety prevent it from
achieving a higher band score. Addressing these areas will not only improve clarity and
coherence but also enhance the overall quality of your writing.

Bài chữa tham khảo

While it’s undeniable that art plays a pivotal role in human evolution and should therefore be
considered a necessary subject for children to study, many argue that spending significant
time on art education is unnecessary. From my perspective, although I understand why
some support the latter opinion, I am in favor of the former due to the beneficial impacts that
art has on students.
To begin with, I support the view that art should be included in the curriculum for several
reasons. Firstly, through drawing and painting with the guidance of specific teachers,
students can enhance their personal traits such as creativity, concentration, and
observational skills. Students not only become more imaginative by constantly exploring
their unique styles and learning how to use colors effectively, but they also develop the
ability to focus deeply on tasks and observe even the smallest details of their surroundings.
Furthermore, after tackling rigorous subjects like math that involve calculations, students can
alleviate stress and rejuvenate their minds by engaging in artistic activities. In essence, art
serves as a means of entertainment that enhances human enjoyment, and integrating art
lessons alongside essential subjects can help students relax and improve their overall well-
being before moving on to their next lessons.

However, those who argue that studying art is a waste of time may present several valid
points. Firstly, it’s undeniable that artistic talent partly depends on innate abilities.
Consequently, while some students find art captivating, others may struggle with it,
especially if they excel in subjects like mathematics but lack the skills needed for drawing.
Moreover, many people prioritize education for the purpose of securing well-paying jobs.
Therefore, their primary focus is on studying subjects deemed essential, while they perceive
art and music as unnecessary diversions.

In conclusion, despite understanding why some people hold the opposing view, I firmly
believe that art is essential for students and should be taught in schools.