To live in the present tense

My husband started working night shift.

I hate it.

Yes, there are others in the house while he isn’t, but they don’t understand what I’ve been through.  They don’t know how to help me through flashbacks and nightmares.  My husband does.

I didn’t sleep much during his last cycle (he does 3-12 hour shifts in a row), despite copious amounts of melatonin.  I was afraid to sleep.  I was afraid of what my brain would concoct.

I didn’t have any horrific nightmares, but I didn’t sleep well either.  And my daughter is still adjusting to daylight savings time, so she ended up in my bed very early in the morning. So I feel like a zombie.

I have to get used to this, because it isn’t ending any time soon.

I have started using a white noise machine when I sleep at night.  That helps to block out any noise from the cat, from the dogs, from the other humans in the house that might show up in my dreams.  I’m avoiding reading any triggering material before bed.

I’m trying to explain it to my parents, but they don’t get it.  I need to write another post on their reaction to my history.  Its more like disbelief, they are obviously uncomfortable when I mention my past.

My husband, not so much.  He doesn’t like to hear about the specifics, but he listens.  He is very soothing.  He knows how to ground me.  I have woken him up several times in the middle of the night just to hold me.

And I hate how I am still controlled by these memories to some extent.  I’m 31, I’m a professional, I’m a mother, and I’m afraid of my dreams.

Grrr…