About Me
I was married for 13 years. He was abusive. Like many people, I didn’t realize it until I was out.
I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t make any decision that wouldn’t be questioned. I couldn’t have an opinion that wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t go visit my friends or family without him – if I did, I put up with days of him sulking and would inevitably be coming home to our house more of a mess than it’d ever been.
He never wanted to do anything with our boys. He’d always say “I can’t wait until they’re older so I can do stuff with them.” When they got older, it didn’t seem to matter too much. Sometimes he’d favor our younger son, taking him fishing or hunting. He couldn’t be bothered with the older boy. “If he wants to spend time with me, he’ll figure out something for us to do.”
After our divorce was over with he decided to move to South Dakota to go to law school. During the 2.5 years he was there, he stopped contacting the children with any regularity. Anytime I had to have contact with him he was blaming me. Screaming at me. Belittling me. Telling me I was a whore. Saying I ruined our family. That I am the reason the kids won’t call him…over and over and over. I also found out that when he would talk to the kids, he would tell them “Mom made me move to South Dakota.”
I first realized he likely has some sort of personality disorder when he took my older son during a visit and refused to return him. Saying I’d locked my son out, I was a terrible person, my son didn’t want to see me ever again.
There were resources in the books “Divorce Poison” and Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder where I started being able to narrow down what exactly the symptoms were that my ex was exhibiting. After reading a LOT about what seemed to be happening here, I became aware that I had apparently married someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. This article could have been written about me: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201102/help-im-divorcing-narcissist As much as it hurt to realize that I’d been fooled all along, it was a relief to realize that I wasn’t the crazy one.
I endured many, many years of feeling crazy. Inadequate. Sad. Lost. Confused. Hopeless. Trapped. It turns out, that’s what he was trying to do. I was relieved to understand what was happening, what HAD been happening all along, but no where have I found any concrete strategies for dealing with a person like that, other than to eliminate ALL contact. With kids, that’s impossible to do.
We are currently awaiting a trial date. He wants the kids the majority of the time. He doesn’t want to pay child support. He doesn’t think he should have to. I am, after all, the one who wanted the divorce. He also doesn’t think our youngest son should be medicated for his ADHD.
Writing helps. Getting it out of my head helps. Getting feedback from perfect strangers that remind me that I am NOT the crazy one helps. Knowing I’m not alone helps. To who ever is reading this, I hope knowing you’re not alone helps you too.
Looking Forward 
It is an amazing and freeing feeling to know (and understand) what you are dealing with– narcissism. That was a huge turning point for me also.
Kudos to you for being strong.
I agree with Tina. Ick. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you have a venue to share your thoughts.
what difficult battle, these narcissists are relentless. i hate that they get away with abuse so easily. thank you so much for dropping by my site. xo
I know how you feel when I finally made my ex leave once and for all and file for the divorce it was all my fault too. Everyone said stuff to me and behind my back and even some stopped talking to me. I tore our family apart, I was wrecking my home all over nothing. Because my ex didn’t drink, cheat or hit me I should be just fine with everything and stay. Because he took care of us. Truth be known he hardly done that and didn’t for a good part of the 9 years we were together. He was and still is very passive aggressive. People on the outside don’t see it so they have no clue what it is like. I tend to keep my problems just that my problems. I don’t talk a lot about them to friends or family. Really not at all. There were a couple I confided in that was it. So this was a real shock when everyone found out he was moving.
A great post. Thanks for coming by and also for the follow!
Wow. That’s all I have to say about that.
Thanks for visiting my blog. I hope you come back again–and if you feel like engaging in a little ridiculous frivolity, please feel free to play my silly word game (closes 3/29): http://thatsajennstory.wordpress.com/2013/03/16/saturday-snippets-4/
I really liked this post…gonna make sure my girlfriend reads this, she is going through the same thing right now.
She can message me if theres any way I can help, or if she just wants to talk. This kinda thing sucks. A lot. It helps to know you’re not alone.
cool…good stuff and I will pass that along!
Hi there! I nominated you for the Shine On Award. Do with it what you will, I know not everyone likes blog awards. Take care!
Thank you!!!
Thank you for being here and sharing your story, I am grateful. You have tremendous courage, and in sharing your story, it helps me see mine in a much clearer light. Many blessings, much love, and infinite peace to you.
Thanks for the links. Those books sound like what I need right now! I notice this post is older, so I hope you’ve continued to stay strong and things are going well.
Things are just another bullshit event after another. Dealing with someone who is unstable never really gets better – we just learn to deal differently. I hope you find support in the community of people here in wordpress land. Its been a life saver for me!
I’ve just begin the journey and they’ve already been a great help.
I can’t imagine trying to deal with my spouse after. I’m not even sure I’ll be physically safe living in the same region of the country.
Make sure you reach out to people. Talk to people. For many of us, we feel so much shame and guilt about the situations we’re in with abusive spouses – we don’t want to tell anyone. However, that’s what the abuser counts on…no one finding out. The more people you tell your plans to, the more people there will be watching your back. Good luck with your journey – don’t forget to ask for help when you need it – and try not to get too discouraged. Its a long road ahead. ❤
My keyboard froze up before I could finish my reply.
Anyway, what you’re doing is very brave. Kudos.
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Thank you!
Another award for you! Go here http://3kids2cats1divorce.com/2013/12/30/award-season-sorta/ for the lowdown. Happy New Year!
yay! thank you!!!