Developing Positive Assertiveness

Jamie Johnson [email protected]

 Intro Who am I? Who are you?

Why are you here?

(Or better phrased, What brings you here? * What makes this better phrased?)

What is assertiveness?

What assertiveness is NOT:

Aggressive Passive Passive-Aggressive

*Remember:
Fight-Flight-Right and we want to do what is Right!

Aggressiveness may involve

Fight Disrespecting others rights to retain your own rights. Winning at all costs. Communicating sarcastically. Attacking the person instead of focusing on the behavior or problem-solving. Violating boundaries. Attempting to control others. [Example video] Are there times to be aggressive?

Passiveness may involve

Flight Possibly respecting others rights while ignoring your own rights. Not communicating directly when the situation warrants it. Allowing others to walk on or control you. Allowing your boundaries to be violated. Indecisiveness. [Example video] Are there times to be passive?

Passive-Aggressiveness may involve

Fight-Flight pattern. Either respecting ONLY your rights OR others rights. Not addressing the problem or behavior. Talking about people behind their back/Gossip Fluctuating between violating others boundaries or having your boundaries violated.

What is assertiveness?
Right. Respecting others rights as well as your own rights. Communicating effectively, directly, and with confidence. Dealing with conflict effectively and calmly. Handling and receiving feedback effectively. Setting boundaries. Focus is on behavior and problem-solving instead of attacking/ignoring the person.

Communication Styles

And Now

No Pressure!
(I want to respect your boundaries)

Although most situations warrant assertive behavior. Most of us are not assertive. Even those who are trained are not assertive all the time. Whats your default?

Techniques
When youI feelI would like I-statements Broken record Acknowledgement, validation, gratitude Be proactive.

When youI feelI would like:

When you (describe the persons behavior) I feel (state your emotion) I would like (state alternative behavior) Cautions. Lets role play

I-statements
An example is, I feel or I would like Prevents using You which may lead to attacking the other person. Restate: You are so egotistical and full of yourself and your own ideas! to I would like you to consider this idea. I-statements exercise: Restate the following as I-statements. Lets role play

Broken Record
The telemarketer calls during supper. No. Repeat after me: No. Stick to your guns. This can be effective with guilt trips and games people may play to violate boundaries. Lets role play

Acknowledgement, Validation, Gratitude

Receiving a compliment or feedback is an assertive act. Validate that someone has spoken, even if using minimal responses as demonstrated in active listening skills. As you focus on behaviors, facts, and the problem to be solved, make sure to validate the other persons feelings: I know it was a hard day Thank you (for feedbackpositive or negative) a life of gratitude Lets role play

Be Proactive
Take action. You can choose. Being reactive and defensive can result in blame:
Blaming others (aggression) Blaming self (passivity)

Take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes, this may mean admitting you were wrong. Forgiveness surrendering the perceived right to take revenge on another. Choosing not to take revenge. It does not necessarily mean forgetting (Fred DiBlasio). Dog Poop Initiative Kirk Weisler

Advanced Techniques (only if time permits):

Boundaries and expectations De-triangulation Conflict Resolution: Focus on behavior, problem when in conflict. Consider issues around your own goals and anger/anxiety/depression. Coping TRUTH Addressing faulty cognitions

Boundaries and Expectations:

What is a boundary? Doesnt have to be a wall. Fences and Automatic Garage Doors Dogs and Fences What do You Expect? by Jamie Johnson

De-triangulation:
Effective for dealing with gossip, enmeshment, passiveaggressiveness. Gossip about Luke: I heard that Luke is jealous of Han.
Have you checked with Luke about this?

Complaining about Luke: Lukes whining is getting on my nerves! Why dont you tell him to can it!
I think you should talk to Luke about this.

Try to connect the two individuals who share the problem or issue. Dont become the man-in-the-middle.

Conflict Resolution - Focus on behavior/problem

(Conflict may resume despite your best efforts): Do not personalize or attack. Describe behavior you can actually see instead of something that could have varying definitions to the other person or instead of emotionalizing it and attacking the person directly or indirectly. For example: When you turn around when I am talking as opposed to When you ignore me Instead of picturing two boxers facing one another, picture the two of you sitting on the same side of the table focused together on the problem on the table.

Goals:
Desire (I would like) vs. Goal (I need) Dr. Larry Crabb Remember: You dont control the person. You can only influence.

Anger/Anxiety/Depression:
Anger can occur when your inappropriate goals are blocked. Anxiety can occur when your inappropriate goals are uncertain. Depression can occur when your inappropriate goals are deemed unreachable. What is your goal? Is it appropriate? Do you control everything to make that goal happen? If not, then change your goal to a desire, especially if another person is involved. If you do not get your desire, you can feel disappointment instead of anger.

Anger/Anxiety/Depression:
Anger can be a mask for a another emotion such as disappointment, sadness, anxiety, fear, or hurt. People can influence us to become angry, but cannot make us angry since anger comes from our beliefs. Anger is not always a bad thing. A moderate amount of anxiety accomplishes much.

Anger/Anxiety/Depression:
A B C - D
A = Activating Event What happened? B = Belief What are your beliefs behind the emotion? C = Emotional Consequence What do you feel? D = Dispute Dispute the irrational beliefs.

What are the conflict, choices, and consequences? *** What can you change/not change? ***

Coping:
A psychological crisis may exist if one of the following is missing:
A support network A realistic perception of the event A history of healthy coping skills (techniques)

SOURCE: Donna C. Aguilera Whats the application for assertiveness?

TRUTH model by Jamie Johnson:

Trigger event wRong thinking Unhealthy responses ruled out Truth about the situation Healthy response

Faulty Cognitions:
Focused on the details Emotional Reasoning Magnification Overgeneralization Personalization Splitting

Focused on the details:

STUCK ON THE DETAILS (selective abstraction)
Focusing on one detail and missing the big picture. Looking at one tree and missing the forest.

SOLUTION:
What is the big picture? What is true considering all things?

Emotional Reasoning:
How I feel is what I think. SOLUTION:
Call an emotion what it is and change the thoughts that lead to it.

Magnification:
Making things bigger than what they really are. Making mountains out of molehills. Majoring in the minors. SOLUTION:
What is the true size???

Overgeneralization:
Believing that one thing that happens is true for all things. SOLUTION:
What is true and realistic? Is this a way to try to avoid responsibility and not work for change?

It rained today.

I guess it will rain EVERY day.

Personalization:
Taking things personally. Thinking everything is meant about you. SOLUTION:
Let what someone else says tell about them. What do you think? Is it true?

Splitting:
All or None thinking Only 2 choices All or None A version of fight or flight SOLUTION:
Think of more ideas besides the 2 choices

Applications for this material:

Work Family, especially extended family Customer Service Conflict Others?

DEVELOPING AN ASSERTIVENESS PLAN: Have you USED SWOT? USED:

Use/Stop/Exploit/Defend

SWOT:
Strengths/Weaknesses/Opportunities/Threats

Questions and Answers

SOURCES by Topics (in bold):

Overview and some psychotherapeutic materials: Johnson, James Jamie Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (1999-2004). I-statements: Johnson, James Jamie Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (2002). I-Statements Exercise. TRUTH model: Johnson, James Jamie Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (2002). Truth Model. Expectations: Johnson, James Jamie Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (2008). What do you expect?. Online: http://beacondeacon.com/ichthus/personal/WhatDoYouExpect.htm. Personal Self-Assessment: "Developing Positive Assertiveness" training presented by Marisa Geisser and Michelle Grilli and indirectly from the sources thereof:

Covey, S.R. (1999). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: First Fireside edition. Dombeck, M. & Wells-Moran, J. (2006). Setting Boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training. Retrieved October 2, 2008 from http://mentalhelp.net Keeps, E.J., Stolovitch, H.D. (2002). Telling Aint Training. Baltimore: Victor Graphics. Lloyd, S.R. (2002). Developing Positive Assertiveness: Third Edition. USA: Von Hoffman Graphics Inc.

SOURCES by Topics - continued:

Assertiveness Video: CRM Learning (2008). Being Assertive (DVD). http://www.crmlearning.com When you...I feel...I would like: Glanzer, James, LPC, Family Life Resource Center. Harrisonburg, VA. Forgiveness: DiBlasio, Frederick A., PhD. University of Maryland School of Social Work. Being Proactive: Weisler, Kirk A. (2005). The Dog Poop Initiative. Team Dynamics, Inc. Anger, Anxiety, Depression and goals: Morrison, John, FBC Pastor of Family Life. Winchester, VA. Goals/Desires: Crabb, Dr. Larry (1992). The Marriage Builder. Zondervan.

SOURCES by Topics - continued:

REBT/ABCD: Ellis, A., and Harper, R.A. (1975). A New Guide to Rational Living. N. Hollywood, CA: Wilshire Books. * NOTE: A-B-C-D model online at http://kap.samhsa.gov/products/manuals/pdfs/anger1.pdf (p. 33).
Crisis: Aguilera, Donna C. (1998). Crisis Intervention: Theory and Methodology. St. Louis, MO: Mosby. SWOT: Armstrong, Michael. (1996). Management Processes and Functions. London: Hyperion Books. Faulty Cognitions/CBT: Burns, David D. and Beck, Aaron T. (1999). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Collins Living. Triangulation: McGoldrick, Monica. (2008). Genograms: Assessment and Intervention. W. W. Norton & Company.