Understanding And

Dealing With Grief And

The Loss Of Life
In our hearts, we all know
that death is a part of life. In
fact, death gives meaning to
our existence because it
reminds all of us that life is
precious.
The loss of a life is life’s most
stressful event and can cause a
major emotional crisis. After the
death of someone you love, you
experience bereavement, which
literally means "to be deprived by
death."
When a death takes place, you may
experience a wide range of
emotions, even when the death is
expected. Many people report
feeling an initial stage of numbness
after first learning of a death, but
there is no real order to the grieving
process.
Symptoms Of Grief and Loss
Denial Humiliation

Yearning Shock

Disbelief Despair

Anger Sadness

Confusion Guilt
These feelings are normal and are
common reactions to loss. You may not
be prepared for the intensity and
duration of your emotions or how swiftly
your moods may change. You may even
begin to doubt the stability of your
mental health. It is important to be
reassured that these feelings are healthy
and appropriate. These feelings and
expressions of powerful emotions help
you come to terms with your loss.
Remember, it takes time to fully
absorb the impact of a major
loss. You never stop missing a
friend or loved one, but the pain
eases after time and this allows
you to go on with your life.
 Mourning A Loved One
It is not easy to cope after a loved one
dies. You will mourn and grieve.
Mourning is the natural process you go
through to accept a major loss.
Mourning may include religious
traditions honoring the dead or
gathering with friends and family to
share your loss. Mourning is personal
and may last months or years.
Grieving is the outward
expression of your loss. Grief is
likely to be expressed both
physically and psychologically.
For instance, crying is a physical
expression, while depression is a
psychological expression.
It is very important to allow yourself to
express your feelings. Often, death is a
subject that is avoided, ignored or
denied. At first it may seem helpful to
separate yourself from the pain or ignore
your feelings, but you cannot avoid
grieving forever. Someday those buried
feelings will need to be resolved or they
may cause physical or emotional illness.
Many people report physical
symptoms that accompany grief.
Stomach pain, loss of appetite,
intestinal upsets, sleep disturbances
and loss of energy are all common
symptoms of acute grief. Of all life’s
stresses, mourning can seriously test
your natural defense systems.
Existing illnesses may worsen or new
conditions may develop.
Profound emotional reactions
may occur. These reactions
include anxiety attacks, chronic
fatigue, depression and thoughts
of suicide. An obsession with the
deceased is also a common
reaction to death.
 Dealing With A Major Loss
The death of a loved one or close
friend is always difficult. Your
reactions are influenced by the
circumstances of a death,
particularly when it is sudden or
accidental. Your reactions also are
influenced by your relationship with
the person who died.
 For example
A child’s death creates an overwhelming
sense of injustice for lost potential,
unfulfilled dreams and senseless
suffering. Parents may feel responsible
for the child’s death, no matter how
irrational that may seem. Parents may
also feel that they have lost a vital part
of their own identity. Their reason for
living may seem shattered.
 For example
A spouse’s death is very traumatic. In
addition to the severe emotional shock,
the death may cause a potential financial
crisis if the spouse was the family’s main
income source. The death may
necessitate major social adjustments
requiring the surviving spouse to parent
alone, adjust to single life and maybe
even return to work.
 For example
Elderly people may be especially
vulnerable when they lose a spouse
because it means losing a lifetime of
shared experiences. At this time,
feelings of loneliness may be
compounded by the death of close
friends.
 For example
 A loss due to suicide or tragedy can be one of
the most difficult losses to bear. It may leave
the survivors with a tremendous burden of
guilt, anger and shame. They may even feel
responsible for the death. Often, survivors
benefit from professional advice to cope with
this devastating experience. Seeking
counseling as a family unit during the first
weeks after the a death is particularly
beneficial and advisable.
 Living With Grief
Coping with death is vital to your
mental health. It is only natural to
experience grief when a loved one
dies. The best thing you can do is
allow yourself to grieve. There are
many ways to cope effectively with
your pain:
Seek out caring people. Find
relatives and friends who can
understand your feelings of loss. Join
support groups with others who are
experiencing similar losses.
Express your feelings. Tell others
how you are feeling; it will help you
to work through the grieving
process.
Take care of your health. Maintain
regular contact with your family
physician and be sure to eat well and get
plenty of rest. You should not sleep more
than 10 hours a day without your doctors
approval. Be aware of the danger of
developing a dependence on medication
or alcohol to deal with your grief.
Accept that life is for the living. It takes
effort to begin to live again in the present
and not dwell on the past.
Postpone major life changes. Try to
hold off on making any major
changes, such as moving,
remarrying, changing jobs or having
another child. You should give
yourself time to adjust to your loss.
Be patient. It can take months or
even years to absorb a major loss
and accept your changed life.
Seek outside help when
necessary. If your grief seems like it
is too much to bear, seek
professional assistance to help come
to terms with your loss and work
through your grief. It’s a sign of
strength, not weakness, to seek help.
 Helping Others Grieve
If someone you care about
has lost a loved one, you can
help them through the
grieving process.
Share the sorrow. Allow them, even
encourage, them to talk about their
feelings of loss and share memories of
the deceased. Listen. Don't pressure.
Don’t offer false comfort. It doesn’t
help the grieving person when you say
"it was for the best" or "you’ll get over
it in time." Instead, offer a simple
expression of sorrow and take time to
listen.
Offer practical help. Baby-sitting,
cooking and running errands are all
ways to help someone who is in the
midst of grieving. Just having
someone around who is generous
but not intrusive can help.
Be patient. Remember that it can
take a long time to recover from a
major loss. Make yourself available
to talk.
Encourage professional help
when necessary.
Don’t hesitate to recommend
professional help when you feel
someone is experiencing too
much pain to cope alone. You
might make a list of professionals
who specialize in grief, trauma or
major life transitions.
 Helping Children Grieve
 Children who experience a major loss may
grieve differently than adults. A parent’s
death can be particularly difficult for small
children, affecting their sense of security or
survival. Often, they are confused about the
changes they see taking place around them,
particularly if well-meaning adults try to
protect them from the truth or from their
surviving parent’s display of grief.
Limited understanding and an
inability to express feelings puts very
young children at a special
disadvantage. Young children may
revert to earlier behaviors (such as
bed-wetting), ask questions about
the deceased that seem insensitive,
invent games about dying or pretend
that the death never happened.
Coping with a child’s grief puts
added strain on a bereaved
parent. However, angry outbursts
or criticism by a parent will only
deepen a child’s anxiety and delay
recovery. Instead, talk honestly
with children and in terms they
can understand.
Take extra time to talk with them
about death and the person who
has died. Help them to discuss
and talk about their feelings and
remember that they are looking
to adults for healthy behavior.
Looking To The Future

Remember, with support,

patience and effort, you will
survive grief. Some day the pain
will lessen, leaving you with
cherished memories of your
loved one.
 Understanding Loss
Loss is defined as a “separation
from, a detachment from something
or someone of value.” The
magnitude of the loss and its
meaning and value to the individual
affects the intensity of a person’s
response.
 Understanding Loss
Therefore, it is virtually impossible to
predict how any one person will
respond to a particular loss. But it
always causes some change in
perception of one’s self or lifestyle
and some type of adaptation or
adjustment is required.
Following a loss of great significance
(e.g. death of spouse or child, divorce,
loss of farm), a person normally moves
from a period of acute emotional pain
and sadness to a more comfortable
emotional state. This movement
through a series of adaptive stages is
known as the grief process. It may take
from several weeks to several years to
adequately complete the process.
No one can keep a person from
suffering; but you do not have to
suffer for the wrong reasons. We
must choose what to remember
of the past, cherish the joys of the
present, and plan a future to
which we can look forward.
 Ten Helpful Guidelines
1. Accept your emotions. 
Any significant loss, such as death of a
loved one, hurts. It is difficult to say
goodbye—to realize that in your lifetime
you will never see or touch your loved one
again. Why pretend that you are not
experiencing turmoil by “keeping a stiff
upper lip”? Your emotions are a natural
response to the death of a loved one.
2. Express your feelings. 
Deal with your conflicting feelings openly.
A feeling that is denied expression is not
destroyed; it remains with you and often
erupts at inappropriate times. It does hurt
to use words like dead and widow; but you
must confront reality and put your
feelings into words. Cry if you want to. It is
a natural expression of grief for both men
and women. Crying is the emptying out of
the emotions so healing can occur.
3. Don’t expect miracles overnight. 

Allow sufficient time for the grieving

period to run its course. Don’t compare
yourself with others in similar positions.
Their smiles might not reveal the depth of
their sorrow. Be yourself. Don’t pretend
grief beyond the time you need to grieve.
Nor do you need pretend recovery before
you are recovered.
4. If you have children, bring them into
the grieving process. 
Death is a crisis that should be shared by
all members of the family. Children too
often are forgotten by grieving adults.
Silence and secrecy deprive them of an
important opportunity to share grief.
When in your heartache you overlook your
children’s feelings, you heighten their
sense of isolation.
5. Don’t escape into loneliness. 
If you isolate yourself, stay alone too
much, your home will become a
protective shell that keeps you from
facing the challenges of life. At the same
time, look at your priorities so you don’t
overload your circuits. Stick with what is
important and necessary now and don’t
worry too much about what is down the
road.
6. Keep in touch with your friends. 
Let the right people know that you need
their support and feedback. They cannot
bring you comfort unless you talk with
them and share your feelings. They cannot
bring you comfort unless you allow them
to enter your sorrow. Holidays, birthdays
and anniversaries are especially difficult
times to be alone. Plan ahead to spend
these days with caring and understanding
friends.
7. Join a support group. At some point you
may be disappointed in the reactions of your
friends or acquaintances or close friends.
Perhaps you don’t hear from them as often as
in the past. They may seem awkward or uneasy
in your presence or even avoid your company.
That’s why self-help groups have been
successful in providing necessary emotional
intervention through the crisis of great loss.
People in these groups understand your fears
and frustrations; they have been there before
themselves.
8. Counseling may be very beneficial. 
Sorrow leaves its imprint on the healthiest
of personalities. You may need more than
the warmth of a close friend or
understanding of a fellow sufferer. A
professional counselor who is not
emotionally attached to you may be more
effective to assist you in dealing with your
intense feelings or maintaining a clear
perspective.
9. Be nice to yourself. By treating yourself
well, you could become your own best friend.
While you need caring and supportive people,
you also need moments of solitude to find
yourself. A little withdrawal and reflection will
allow you to become more relaxed and
energized. By taking care of yourself, you will
recognize your strengths as well as your
weaknesses. You will become more confident
that you can manage the challenging days
ahead. After all, if you’re not nice to yourself,
who will be?
 10. Turn pain into growth. Death ends
a life, not a relationship. 
Through grief, you can become a more
understanding, compassionate and
sympathetic person. Resolve to live as your
beloved would want to live, love as they would
want you to love, and serve others as they
would have wanted you to serve. The Chinese
word-picture symbol for crisis is the same as
the symbol for opportunity. This is your new
challenge.
The End