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Defensiveness

The document discusses communication climates and defensiveness. It provides strategies for responding to criticism in a nondefensive way, such as seeking more information, agreeing with valid points of criticism, and framing difficult messages as respectful complaints about specific behaviors and situations rather than personal attacks. The document also outlines Gibb's categories of communication styles and three relational paradoxes including the paradox of surrender and influence.

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Seth Smith
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109 views18 pages

Defensiveness

The document discusses communication climates and defensiveness. It provides strategies for responding to criticism in a nondefensive way, such as seeking more information, agreeing with valid points of criticism, and framing difficult messages as respectful complaints about specific behaviors and situations rather than personal attacks. The document also outlines Gibb's categories of communication styles and three relational paradoxes including the paradox of surrender and influence.

Uploaded by

Seth Smith
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PPT, PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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COMMUNICATIO

N CLIMATES
 Confirming vs. disconfirming climates
– Function of:

• Honor vs. dishonor

• Respect vs. disrespect

• Turning toward vs. turning away


Reactive Emotionalism:
Trigger for Defensiveness
 Defensiveness is an emotional reaction to
threat, not a cognitive one
 It is much harder to stop doing something
than to start doing something else
– If you want to cut down on junk food, easier to
grab some carrots than try to resist the urge to rip
open a bag of chips
– If you want to cut down on emotional reactivity,
concentrate on listening harder & understanding
better
Defensive Reactions:
Which Is Most Common for You?

 Attacking the critic

 Distorting the criticism

 Avoiding the critic or criticism


Dynamics of Defensiveness
 We are hurt most by criticism of something that feels
like an important part of ourselves
 We are especially sensitive to criticism from those
closest to us (gain-loss theory)
 Defensiveness & power struggles are usually based
in ‘either-or’ thinking
– Your needs/my needs, my ideas/your ideas
 We are not trained to consider the possibility that
both may be right
– At times need to move to ‘both-and’ thinking
GIBB CATEGORIES
Evaluation Description

Control Problem Orientation

Strategy Spontaneity

Neutrality Empathy

Superiority Equality

Certainty Provisionalism
Gibb Categories
 Evaluation – This kind of behavior is
judging the other person – “This place is
a mess”
 Description – This focuses on the
communicator’s ideas rather than
putting blame on someone else – “I”
statements
Gibb Categories
 Control – Which is when one person is
forcing a solution upon the other person
– “You need to stay off the phone for
the next two hours”
 Problem Orientation – This is when a
person looks for a solution that will
satisfy both people – “I’m expecting
some important calls. Can we work…
Gibb Categories
 Strategy – This form is about
manipulating the other person in order
to come out on top – “What are you
doing Friday after work?”
 Spontaneity – Is about being honest
and truthful with the listener – I have
this to do on Friday, can you give me a
hand?
Gibb Categories
 Neutrality – This is when the speaker
has little concern or interest in the
conversation – “That’s what happens
when you don’t plan properly”
 Empathy – Allows for acceptance of the
other person and their feelings. – Ouch,
looks like this didn’t turn out the way
you expected.
Gibb Categories
 Superiority – This is when a person
believes that they are better than the
listener and can be shown by the way
the speaker delivers the message. –
“You don’t know what you are talking
about”
 Equality – Shows that all people have
self worth – “I see it a different way”
Gibb Categories
 Certainty – When communicators
believe they are right and that the other
person is wrong and will not listen to
their ideas – “That will never work!”
 Provisionalism – This is when one
person feels they are correct, but is
willing to listen and consider their
perspective..
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

 A neighbor’s stereo is disturbing your sleep,


and it’s 3 o’clock in the morning.

 Recently your roommate has been feasting on


your food, and has even started to invite
friends into your room to share your food.

 Together with most of your classmates, you


feel that a professor’s grading system is unfair.
How would you respond?

 “No wonder your grades are low.


You’re always out socializing or
partying instead of studying.”

 What’s the matter with you? You’ve


been so cold and distant lately.”

 “Just once I wish you’d care about


somebody besides yourself. You’re so
selfish.”
Responding Nondefensively

 Seek more information (questioning or


paraphrasing)

 Agree with critic (either facts or


perceptions)

 Put difficult messages in notes (effective


way to short-circuit reactivity)
A Better Way to ‘Complain’:
Be Respectful and Be Specific

 When you do X,
– Specific Behavior
 In situation Y,
– Specific Situation
 I feel Z.
– Owning feelings
– Not blaming
Three Relational Paradoxes
(Susan Campbell, 1994)

 Paradox of surrender
– Give up control to gain influence
– Pressing for getting what I want may make it less
likely to happen
 Iatrogenic paradox
– The better we become at resolving interpersonal
differences, the more challenges we encounter
– Growth does not necessarily make life easier
 Paradox of responsibility
– You are responsible for your own thinking/behavior
– At the same time, you are responsible for the ‘waves
’ you create which influence others

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