Love and Loving Relationships

Chapter 6

Loving and Liking

Love is essential for human survival. Self love is an important basis for self-esteem. Eight qualities of friendship include: Enjoyment Acceptance Trust Respect Mutual support Confiding Understanding Honesty Love includes the eight qualities of friendship plus: Sexual desire Priority over other relationships Caring to the point of great self-sacrifice

What is Love?

Love is multifaceted and has many dimensions. Love is based on respect. Love is often demanding and may be neither exciting nor thrilling. Rules of attraction are governed from an early age by socialization. Lust and Love

Sexual arousal is a physiological response. Sexual desire is a psychological state. Sexual desire and/or arousal may or may not lead to romantic love.

Caring, Intimacy, and Commitment

Caring means wanting to help the other by providing aid and emotional support. Intimacy generally refers to feelings of closeness and may include different types such as physical, affective, and verbal closeness. Self-disclosure refers to open communication where a person reveals honest thoughts and feelings to another. Commitment is a persons intention to remain in a relationship.

Theories about Love

Biological perspectives argue that love is grounded in evolution, biology, and chemistry. The focus is on physiological responses caused by natural amphetamines in the body. Sociological perspectives claim that culture is key to love.

Theories about Love

Sociological theories include:

Attachment theory Reisss Wheel Theory of Love Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love Lees Styles of Loving Exchange theory

Theories about Love

Attachment theory

suggests our primary motivation is to be connected with other people. Researchers have identified three attachment styles and the percent who fit them: secure - easy to get close to others and comfortable in interdependent relationships (56%) avoidant - somewhat uncomfortable being close to others (24%) anxious/ambivalent - others are reluctant to get as close as s/he would like (20%)

Theories about Love

Reisss Wheel Theory of Love includes four stages:

Rapport Self-revelation Mutual dependency Personality Need fulfillment

The stages can be repeated many times.

Theories about Love

Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love has three elements.

Intimacy Passion Decision/commitment

Different degrees of the three elements form different types of love relationships.

Theories about Love

Lees Styles of Loving

Eros is the love of beauty and usually encompasses a powerful physical attraction. Mania is obsessive love characterized by jealousy, possessiveness and dependency. Ludus is carefree and casual love that is playful. Storge is peaceful, affectionate love that focuses on mutual trust and respect. Agape is altruistic love which is self-sacrificing, kind and patient. Pragma is practical love which is sensible and realistic.

Theories about Love

Exchange theory

focuses on the costs and rewards to each person in a relationship. is useful for explaining how love relationships change over time.

adolescence: Love is usually intense and selfcentered, romantic love is short-lived adulthood: perception of costs and rewards change, for example, nurturing and patience may outweigh looks later life: moral values, personality, and good humor may take precedence

Functions of Love and Loving

Love ensures human survival. Love prolongs life. Love enhances physical health. Love improves the quality of our lives. Love is fun.

Experiencing Love

Are women or men more romantic?

Research suggests men are more romantic. Women are more likely to expect some of the trappings of romantic love.

Are women or men more intimate?

Many women want to feel close emotionally before being sexual. Many men assume that sex is the same as emotional closeness. For wives, intimacy may mean talking things over. Men may feel that doing things for their partner shows their love.

Experiencing Love

Homophobia (the fear and hatred of homosexuals) has decreased in the last decade or so. Lesbians and gay men are more likely to openly admit that they are lovers and to participate in commitment ceremonies. Same Sex Love is very similar to heterosexual love.

Experiencing Love

Barriers to love occur at both macro and micro levels of society. Mass Society and Demographic Factors Technology can decrease opportunities for face-toface interaction Variables such as age, income, and occupation also shape our love experiences Double Standards can create a lack of mutual trust and lead to playing games. Me-first individualism can lead to a preoccupation with self. Personality and family characteristics sometimes get in the way of finding love.

When Love Goes Wrong

Narcissists are people who have exaggerated feelings of power and self importance. Jealousy can occur when people believe a rival is competing for a lovers affection. According to evolutionary psychologists, Men are worried about sexual infidelity. Women are worried about their partners emotional entanglements. Some obsessed jealous lovers become stalkers. They may make numerous phone calls, send gifts, or continuously check up on their partners whereabouts. Cyberstalking involves threatening behavior or unwanted advances using email, instant messaging, etc.

Victims of Cyberstalking

When Love Goes Wrong

Other forms of controlling behavior include threatening to manipulate or withdraw love creating guilt feelings emotional and physical abuse People may profess love for reasons such as fear of being alone or to not hurt others feelings.

Unrequited love occurs when one does not reciprocate anothers romantic feelings.

How Couples Change: Romantic and Long-term Love

Characteristics of romantic love include:

Lovers find it impossible to work, study, or do anything but think about the beloved. Their moods fluctuate wildly. They find it impossible to believe they could ever love again. They fantasize about how their partners will declare their love. They are willing to sacrifice anything for love. Their love is blind and they idealize each other. They believe in love at first sight, and in fate.

How Couples Change: Romantic and Long Term Love

Characteristics of long lasting love include:

Lasting love is more complicated than romantic love. Long term love is altruistic (putting the other first). Love changes over time. Long term love grows and develops, whereas romantic love is immature. Companionate love is more common in long term relationships. Demographic variables play a role in sustaining love.

Romantic and Long Term Love

A Global View

Evidence of romantic love has been found in 89% of 166 different cultures, which makes it a near-universal human phenomenon. In many countries, arranged marriages are the norm because respect for parents wishes, family traditions, and kin group are more important than romantic love.