GRAND

''"'DPS
DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE
HORIZONS
BYBESS WOHL
ESTABLISHED BY MEMBERS OF THE

DRAMATISTS GUILD
OF THE AUTHORS LEAGUE OF AMERICA
for the
HANDLING OF THE ACTING RIGHTS OF MEMBERS' PLAYS
and
THE ENCOURAGEMENT OF THE AMERICAN THEATRE

D R A M AT I S T S
PLAY SERVICE
INC.

440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016

w w w. d r a m a t i s t s . c o m
 GRAND HORIZONS
CopyrightsiD2021, Bess Wohl GRAND HORIZONS was co-commissioned by Williamstown
All Rights Reserved
Theatre Festival (Mandy Greenfield, Artistic Director), which
produced the world premiere in July 2019. It was directed by Leigh
OLAND HORIZONS Is fUlly protected under the copyright laws of the United States of Silverman, the scenic and costume designs were by Clint Ramos,
A M I N * and of1111countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including
the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries the lighting design was by Jen Schriever, the sound design was by
SNOW by the Pan•American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Palmer Hefferan, and the production stage manager was Melanie
Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has J. Lisby. The cast was as follows:
ree rew! copyright relations. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any
Ibrin by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), or
stored In any retrieval system in any way (electronic or mechanical) without written BILLJ a m e y Sheridan
permission of the publisher.
NANCYJ o B e t h Williams
'lhe English language stock and amateur stage performance rights in the United States, BENT h o m a s Sadoski
IN territories, possessions and Canada for GRAND HORIZONS are controlled BRIANJ e s s e Tyler Ferguson
exclusively by Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016.
No professional or nonprofessional performance of the Play may be given without JESS A s h l e y Park
obtaining in advance the written permission of Dramatists Play Service and paying TOMMYM a u l i k Pancholy
the requisite fee.
CARLA P r i s c i l l a Lopez
All other rights, including without limitation motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public
reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, and the rights of
translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved.
GRAND HORIZONS was co-commissioned by Second Stage
Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to Creative Artists Agency, Theater (Carole Rothman, Artistic Director; Casey Reitz, Executive
405 Lexington Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, NY 10174. Attn: Olivier Sultan.
Director), which produced the Broadway premiere in December
NOTE ON BILLING 2019. It was directed by Leigh Silverman, the scenic design was by
Anyone receiving permission to produce GRAND HORIZONS is required to give credit Clint Ramos, the costume design was by Linda Cho, the lighting
to the Author as sole and exclusive Author of the Play on the title page of all programs
distributed in connection with performances of the Play and in all instances in which design was by Jen Schriever, the sound design was by Palmer Hefferan,
the title of the Play appears, including printed or digital materials for advertising, and the production stage manager was Melanie J. Lisby. The cast was
publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or a production thereof. Pleasesee your as follows:
production license for font size and typeface requirements.

Beadvised that there maybe additional credits required in all programs and promotional BILLJ a m e s Cromwell
material. Such language will be listed under the "Additional Billing" section of
production licenses. It is the licensee's responsibility to ensure any and all required NANCYJ a n e Alexander
billing is included in the requisite places, per the terms of the license. BEN B e n McKenzie
BRIANM i c h a e l Urie
SPECIAL NOTE ON SONGS/RECORDINGS
Dramatists Play Service neither holds the rights to nor grants permission to use any JESS A s h l e y Park
songs or recordings mentioned in the Play. Permission for performances of copyrighted TOMMYM a u l i k Pancholy
songs,arrangements or recordings mentioned in this Play is not included in our license CARLA P r i s c i l l a Lopez
agreement. The permission of the copyright owner(s) must be obtained for any such use.
For any songs and/or recordings mentioned in the Play, other songs, arrangements, or
recordings may be substituted provided permission from the copyright owner(s) of such
songs,arrangements or recordings is obtained; or songs, arrangements or recordings in
the public domain may be substituted.
 CHARACTERS

BILL
NANCY GRAND HORIZONS
BEN
BRIAN ACT ONE

JESS
Scene 1
TOMMY
CARLA Evening.
The lower floor of a private home in an independent living
PLACE community for seniors called:
Grand Horizons.
Grand Horizons.
A table.
Some furniture.
TIME Doors. Generic art.
A staircase to upstairs.
Now. It's all contained in a box.
The box is a house.

NOTE Nancy finishes preparing dinner.

Perhaps it involves a very large pot roast.
A double slash in the dialogue indicates the place Bill fastidiously sets the table.
where the next character's line should begin.
This is their nightly routine, an elaborate dance that happens
in total silence.
It's the dance of a fifty-year marriage.
One in which words no longer matter much.
Every need is anticipated.
For example:
Nancy brings over two glasses of lemonade.
Bill is at the ready with a coaster.
 Bill turns the little fake flower arrangement around so it
faces just the right angle. Pause.
JESS. What if we just, Bill, Nancy—

i
Nancy salts Bill's food just so. What if we start the conversation, by talking about some happy
Bill gets Nancy a back pillow for her chair. memories.
They begin to eat. I was saying to Ben, in the car on the way down here,
I don't think I've ever heard about your very first date.
Perfectly balanced.
NANCY. Oh, it was freezing rain,
Pairs skaters or synchronized swimmers.
And I remember I was wearing these ridiculous high heels
My feet were killing me.
NANCY. I think I would like a divorce. I have very long toes.
Bill looks up. BILL. She has toes like fingers.
If he's shocked, he doesn't show it. NANCY. I just remember the shoes.
BILL. All right. BILL. She had a steak.
Bill continues to eat. I picked up the check.
Nancy does not. Been doing it ever since.
Check please.
Check please.
Scene 2
Bill gets up and begins to pack his things.
BEN. Dad, where are you going? Dad, sit back down—
Nancy and Bill's adult children have now arrived:
Ben and Brian, and Jess, Ben's very pregnant wife. BRIAN. Mom? Hi. I'm here. I'm here.
You can tell me, what did Dad do.
Nancy and Bill are seated with their kids. NANCY. Ask him yourself.
It's a family meeting.
BILL. Nothing.
She's the one who brought up this whole divorce thing, not me.
BRIAN. Okay, Mom, Dad. I would have just slogged it out.
We're here, // we're here now. BRIAN. Nice, Dad, that's really nice.
BEN. Guys? Here's the thing, guys. BEN. It just doesn't add up, you don't fight.
We just want to figure out // what's going on.
BRIAN. Did you guys get in a fight?
BRIAN. This is just—not you, this is not who you are—
BEN. They don't // fight.
We want to make sure you're okay—
BRIAN. Well, maybe they did, we don't know, // how do we know—
BEN. And so we're going to figure it out // okay guys?
BEN. Look, at the end of the day
BRIAN. We're concerned—
We're going to support whatever you want—
BEN. Family meeting, we're going to
BRIAN. Is this what you want?
Hash this all out and, you know, figure it out.
Mom, is this actually // what you want?
BILL. She doesn't know what she wants.
NANCY. He can't drive a U-Haul.
JESS. Your plants look wonderful, Nancy. BILL. I can operate a U-Haul.
NANCY. Thank you, Jess. I'm not dead yet.
They're surprisingly hearty. BEN. What if we all, like, // sit back down and—
BEN. (A mental checklist.) Okay. Okay. JESS. Let's all sit back down and—
Is somebody sick? Nancy, if you could—
Is everyone getting enough sleep?
Are you getting out of the house, taking walks, NANCY. I really don't have much time.
Are you, I don't know, drinking enough water— JESS. Okay, okay, that's fine,
BRIAN. Is anyone feeling anxious, or sad or scared or (Rhetorical.) Where do you have to be, Nancy.
Is anyone forgetting things, or, like, NANCY. / / I have things to do.
Putting, like, the telephone in the fridge? I do, I have things to do.
A crash from where Bill is packing. BEN. Dad, let's // put that down.
Dad, what was that? BILL. It's mine, I paid for it—
// Dad? BEN. Dad, Dad—
BEN. Dad? BRIAN. Everyone! Sit down.
What are you doing? Just sit back down!
BILL. I'm packing the car. The others all make their way back to their seats.
BRIAN. Oh my god, Dad, you're not packing the car. Sorry.
BEN. Is that the toaster? I've just—
What // do you need that for? I'm just—
BRIAN. What do you need that for, I'm just a little...
Anyway,
Dad.
I'm fine, I'm fine,
BILL. Toast. I'm just,
NANCY. He doesn't know how to make toast. Going through some personal stuff, and
BILL. I'm taking the toaster. I'm also, I happen to be under a lot of stress right now,
BEN. Okay, okay, guys guys guys guys. At work
Nobody's taking anything, BILL. Work?
Nobody's packing up. BRIAN. What.
Nobody's going anywhere. BILL. Aren't you a theatre teacher?
BILL. I'm taking my chair. BRIAN. Yes,
The TV. And I'm smack in the middle of our big // spring show.
(To himself) I'm going to need a U-Haul.
BEN. Okay, okay everyone.
BRIAN. Dad, you're not getting a U-Haul. This wont take long.
Bri's got work,
Sheila's started a new book club,
We've both got work—
Sam and Joanie are dead."
NANCY. I don't have much time.
JESS. Okay, Bill-
JESS. / / That's all right, Nancy.
BILL. I'm taking a class.
BILL. Don't skip work on my account. They got classes here.
I worked my whole life, never missed a day I've been doing stand-up comedy.
At the pharmacy. I'm starting to think, if I wasn't a pharmacist,
BRIAN. That's not healthy, you realize that Dad. I would've been a stand-up comedian.
BILL. I'm perfectly healthy. Anybody want to hear a joke?
BRIAN. The fact that you spent your whole life at work BEN. No, Dad, definitely not.
Is probably half the reason we're having this insane conversation BRIAN. Not right now, Dad.
About splitting up in the first place. NANCY. God, no.
NANCY. Or maybe it's why we never had it sooner. JESS. One thing I've been thinking about is the fact that
The sudden sound of several sharp gunshots. You've both been through a lot of transitions recently.
BEN. Jesus Christ, // what is that— Moving here, packing up the old house—
JESS. Oh my god— Also, fifty years, that's a big milestone.
And I don't know if we marked that enough,
Now it's recognizable as the TV next door.
Or, like, celebrated enough—
BILL. The lady next door watches crime shows all day.
BRIAN. I made a video.
Over there, they've got a dog, yappy little thing.
Nothing to be done 'til they ship them off to Rose Court. JESS. That's right.
JESS. Rose Court? BRIAN. Did you guys even watch it?
BILL. This is independent living. JESS. Yes.
Rose Court is the next stop on the line, Yes,
It's more of an assisted situation. We did.
NANCY. I watched it, Brian.
JESS. Got it.
BRIAN. There's a medical facility— BRIAN. Thanks, Mom.
BILL. You stay until you... (Die.) NANCY. It was very good.
BEN. Okay, Dad, let's come sit with Mom— BRIAN. Thanks.
BILL. It's one-stop shopping. JESS. Obviously talking about all this stuff
Can feel awkward, even painful.
And then in the cafeteria
Communicating.
They put your picture up there on the bulletin board
Honestly, when I work with couples in my practice
With all the other news.
So it's like, "Okay, everyone, so it's gonna rain Friday, We often start with just trying to make eye contact, or hold hands-
Ed is this week's bingo champion, BILL. (With great disdain.) Hold hands?

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JESS. When was the last time you two held hands?
NANCY. / / I don't know...
BILL. I don't think so.
BEN. Guys, hold hands.
JESS. Don't push them.
BEN. They can hold hands.
JESS. But they don't have to right now.
Fear is normal.
BILL. Fear? I'm not afraid of it.
I can hold anybody's hand.
BEN. (Sharper, like a coach.) Guys. Guys.
Come on.
BILL. Fine, what do I care.
Bill and Nancy very awkwardly hold hands.
INANCY. (Laughing.) It tickles.
JESS. (A breakthrough.) This is great.
Humor is fantastic.
BILL. My arm is getting tired.
JESS. Okay, that was great, that was actually great,
You both tried, and, you know,
I know a lot of couples that couldn't even do that.
BEN. Good job, guys.
JESS. A n d just to say, holding hands, rubbing a loved one's back,
cuddling—
These are just a few ways to be intimate in the later years—
We could also talk about exploring the imagination, fantasy, role-
play—
BEN. Okay, babe.
It's agony. JESS. A111 mean, is I don't imagine they ever—
Ben looks to Jess like: "This is progress." Did you and Bill ever talk about that kind of—
JESS. Okay, how does that feel? NANCY. / / No, I don't think so.
NANCY. Fine. BILL. Nope.
BILL. Stupid. BEN. Okay.
JESS. Now Nancy, if I were your therapist—which obviously- NANCY. I'm happy to.
But I have done this a lot, JESS. Sure, wow, okay, that's very brave—
I have helped a lot of people avoid a lot of loneliness and regret— BRIAN. Mom, if you want us to leave, // so you can—
So, anyway, the next exercise would be for you to try telling Bill,
BEN. Yeah, we'll be... Somewhere else.
What you want—
NANCY. It's fine.
NANCY. I want a divorce.
I'd like you to stay in fact.
JESS. Sorry if I wasn't clear—I meant physically. I'd like you to stay.
I meant, what kind of touch do you want? So. Okay... Urn...
What feels good? Hard? Soft? My biggest fantasy is.
With just the fingertips or the entire hand. Well... I would... I would like...
NANCY. Um... (Thinks, then.) I'd like to eat dinner alone.
Soft. In a restaurant.
BEN. Go ahead, Dad. I've never done that before.
Touch her hand softly. BILL. Are we done?

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JESS. Okay Bill, I can really feel your anger.
NANCY. That's Cousin Lou.
Brian exhales. That's Louise's son.
Yours too, Brian, // if I'm being honest. BRIAN. Cousin Lou? No, no, this is, this is-
BRIAN. Thanks, that's great. BEN. She's fucking with us.
JESS. And that is some of what you are going to have to unpack, Mom, you are fucking hilarious, you still got it,
If we're going to understand what's happening here. I love you.
In any marriage, there are lots of little disappointments over the years. BRIAN. That's funny. That's really funny.
BEN. Yep. JESS. Brian, please-
JESS. Ben? BILL. Was she kidding?
BEN. That was just me agreeing with you, just saying yes. JESS. / / She was kidding.
JESS. Right. NANCY. I was kidding. It was a joke.
My point is, anger is understandable.
BRIAN. It's not funny, Mom, we're very concerned.
Nancy sort of threw out a hand grenade, by jumping right to divorce
Didn't you, Nancy? BILL. Since when does she kid.
Nancy? NANCY. I kid.
NANCY. I'm sorry, BILL. She does not kid.
I just don't understand what we're doing here. BRIAN. Who is Cousin Lou?
BILL. Neither do I, neither do I. NANCY. You don't have a Cousin Lou.
BRIAN. Wait. Hold up. It was a joke.
What is it Mom? BILL. What is she joking for?
Mom? Are you okay? I'm the funny one,
Is it that... I've always been the funny one—
You don't remember what you did? NANCY. (Preparing to go.) Well, this has been great.
NANCY. What do you— BRIAN. Mom, Mom, sit.
BEN. You don't remember what you did, // Mom, is that it? Where else do you have to be right now?
BRIAN. (To Ben.) Shhh. (More gently.) Mom. NANCY. I have a meeting about my clothing drive.
It's okay, now, did you forget what happened? BRIAN. What is that?
Did you forget what // you did, Mom? You never told me about // a clothing drive.
JESS. Let her speak. NANCY. I'm telling you now.
BRIAN. Mom. People around here have a lot of old clothes.
Do you know who this is? And then after they die
Do you know who this person is? They really don't need their clothes anymore.
NANCY. I, um... I think... I think... It's... BRIAN. Mom.
JESS. It's all right, Nancy. NANCY. So we're sending the dead people's clothes to refugees.

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// All kinds of refugees, from Syria, Afghanistan, Sudan.
Like.
War refugees, climate refugees,-
How much else—
BEN. Okay, but Mom? Even is there?
Okay okay okay,
JESS. Ben—
Those people are very far away—
BRIAN. What we're trying to say is-
BRIAN. Ben—
Life can get really lonely—
NANCY. So? You can't see it, you've had each other but—
We can still do things for them. You could be
With all due respect, that is exactly the kind of attitude Making a really—
That exemplifies everything wrong with the world today. A, just, a
Nobody cares about anybody anymore. Terrible mistake—and so all we're asking is—
Nobody cares. Can we just talk about this?
BRIAN. I care, Mom. I care. Do you guys have anything to say for yourselves?
Tell me about your clothing drive. BILL. There's a bunch of nuns all trying to get into heaven.
BEN. You can wait five minutes, Mom. BEN. Dad, come on—
NANCY. No, I can't. BRIAN. Are you serious, Dad—
I can't actually, Ben, because I organized it myself.
BILL. And St. Peter says to them, you know, St. Peter at the gate, so
I'm... I'm leading the meeting.
he says...
BRIAN. That's really impressive, Mom. "Okay, line up ladies, you're nuns, of course you're getting in,
You've never done anything like that before. I'll let you all right through the pearly gates as long as no part of
BEN. Five minutes. your body
BILL. Let her go. Has ever touched a man's... Member:'
She's made up her mind. So, Sister Sarah is first in line.
She wants to split up, fine. St. Peter says, "Has any part of you ever touched that part of a man?"
Big whoop. She says, "Well, one time I touched one with my little pinky finger:'
What's the big deal? He says, "That's fine, wash your pinky finger in this holy water and
BEN. (Losing his cool.) The big deal is, you can go on in:'
It's a fifty-year marriage, So, next in line is Sister Elizabeth.
You can't end it without a conversation. St. Peter repeats the question, "Has any part of you ever touched
I'm not even sure you can end it at all at this point, blah blah blah."
I mean, if you wanted to get divorced She says, "My whole hand."
You should have done it after we went to college, He says, "Okay, that's fine, wash your hand in this holy water and go
Like normal people. ahead in..."
Like a midlife crisis kind of a thing. Next is Sister Christine,
I mean, But before anyone can say a word someone comes running up from
You're almost eighty.
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the back of the line like gangbusters and shoves her way all the way
JESS. Your brother?
to the front—
It's Sister Susan. BEN. Oh, yeah, he went out for a drink.
And she goes, "Hold on! If I'm going to have to gargle with that stuff, JESS. Sounds kind of lonely.
At least let me do it before Sister Christine puts her ass in it!" BEN. I think he was lonely and that's why he went.
NANCY. Well, I'm off. JESS. And your parents?
Nancy quickly escapes out the door. BEN. Went to bed hours ago.
BEN. Mom—wait— JESS. In the same room?
And now Bill escapes upstairs. BEN. I thought it was kind of a good sign.
Ben and Brian look to each other. JESS. Sure, if you block out the part where they barely spoke to each
other,
And then your mom pretended to have dementia
Scene 3
And then your dad told a dick joke.
BEN. No, I know, it's insane, they're children.
It's now the middle of the night. Come here. Come here come here.
All around are overflowing bags of clothing from Nancy's Shegoes to him.
refugee drive, and huge piles of loose clothes, the clothes of Leans down to kiss him.
the dead. He kisses her stomach.
The toaster is missing, along with a photo or two. JESS. It's not even that.
It's more how you get when you're around them.
Next door, the TV is playing another crime show.
BEN. Wait, how do I get?
After a moment, Jess comes downstairs, still in her clothes. JESS. And what's going on with your hands?
BEN. It's my eczema, you know // and I don't have my cream—
JESS. Ben? JESS. Where's your cream?
What are you doing? BEN. I don't have it.
// You're still working?
JESS. Okay, it's fine, let's go to bed, we'll be home in the morning.
BEN. Hey, babe.
BEN. Babe.
I'm so behind—
The judge on this case is like monumentally unsympathetic, JESS. What?
What are you doing up? BEN. We can't // leave them like this—
JESS. I just did four back-to-back phone sessions— JESS. Wait, no, Ben, no no no I already canceled today's sessions to
And then my sleepwalker needed an "emergency call?' be here //
What happened to Brian? I have like a million things to do before this baby comes—
BEN. Who? BEN. They need us—
They need us-
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JESS. They need professional help— BEN. Uh-huh.
BEN. And, look, Brian is obviously useless, and—
JESS. And what is that to you?
JESS. They don't even want us here— What's a regular marriage?
BEN. Trust me, I get it—you don't think, you don't think it pisses BEN. A marriage, I guess,
me off? That doesn't end.
JESS. What? Sorry, babe,
BEN. I mean none of this makes any sense. I'm not in a place to be like super articulate or deep right now—
Are they serious? I'm getting crushed.
Is it a cry for help? JESS. Could you—
Is it even real? Could you maybe just not call me that anymore.
JESS. Wait, no, people crying for help is real, Ben. BEN. What?
It means they need help, it means help me. JESS. Babe.
BEN. No, I know, all I'm trying to say is. I'm not a baby.
Just look at the facts, okay? I'm not an actual baby you do realize that.
They never fought. BEN. It's a term of affection.
They always got along. JESS. Right, but when somebody doesn't like it
They have stuff in common—they're about to have a grandchild
Then it's hostile.
together.
BEN. Okay.
What else do they want?
Good night.
JESS. I don't know. Love you, babe. I love you.
Love.
JESS. Good night. I love you too.
BEN. Sure, whatever that means.
She goes.
JESS. Do you not know // what it means?
BEN. No, I know what it means for us, obviously— He sits alone.
Scratches his hands.
JESS. Okay.
After a moment, he rushes upstairs after his wife.
BEN. I'm saying for them, at their age—
And anyway, I'm not even talking about love, From outside, a car pulls up.
I'm talking about marriage. Car doors close and "Thank you sir!" can be heard.
JESS. What are you talking about? BRIAN. (From off) ...I hope this is the right house—
I know it's the corner house but—
BEN. I don't know what we're talking about.
They all look exactly the same.
All I'm saying is,
Sure maybe they never had some like great marriage, TOMMY. (From off) I know, our Uber driver was like // what is
But I always thought they had like a regular marriage. even happening?!
JESS. A regular marriage? BRIAN. (From off) I know, he was like...
He's probably still just like driving around like...
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Aaaaah!!!
// And, like, John Proctor hands over his glasses to the new Proctor—
(Then, flirty.) Ouch! Wait. Stop that—
And the reverend has a collar and you know, and so on and so forth—
The door swings open. And then it all happens like three more times
Brian and Tommy enter. And of course I've added extra girls and more spectators in the
Go in, go in, the whole thing is even sadder inside— courtroom and—
TOMMY. No, I'm so sorry about my roommate situation. TOMMY. No idea.
She just freaks on me when I bring home random strangers. No idea what you're talking about.
BRIAN. Do you do that a lot? No idea. No idea.
TOMMY. Do you? BRIAN. I can seriously—
BRIAN. No, actually, I'm just, I'm having a weird day. I've managed to get, like, over two hundred kids,
Into the show—
TOMMY. Great, let's get weird—
TOMMY. Wow, I am so hot for teacher // right now.
BRIAN. Come in, come in, come in, come in, come in—
Don't mind the pile, BRIAN. / / Okay, okay—
That's just the clothes of the deceased. TOMMY. What's your last name?
So, wait—what was I saying, before, in the— BRIAN. French,
TOMMY. You mean about the play, your school play— Brian // French.
BRIAN. Right, so—right, so—I'll give like... TOMMY. Mr. French, 0000h la la, come here—
I'll give, like, what I do is... BRIAN. (Enjoying the attention.) All right, hold on—
I gave Abigail a best friend, Do you want a drink?
John Proctor has a sister, TOMMY. Sure why not.
Reverend Hale has a sort of assistant reverend,
Brian starts to make drinks.
Danforth has a clerk and there's a court stenographer—
BRIAN. I've been mixing vodka with Crystal Light.
TOMMY. Am I supposed to know
Who those people // are. TOMMY. Yum.
BRIAN. No, they're not people, they're parts, BRIAN. The point is, the way I do it—
They're // parts in a play— Every kid who wants a part gets one—
Because, like, do you remember how painful it was
TOMMY. (Teasing him.) Ohhhhh.
To like,
BRIAN. The point is, I rotate. Audition for the school play and not get a part?
TOMMY. Mmmm, you rotate. Tommy shakes his head.
BRIAN. So, and then like, like a third of the way through, It was a popularity contest.
The first Abigail switches with a new Abigail And you know, I guess I just.
But we all know it's still the same Abigail because she takes off her I love these kids.
locket And I... I don't know.
And gives it to the other Abigail. I don't want anyone to be disappointed.
What.
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TOMMY. No, just You know what?
You seem kind of amazing. Let's go in the garage.
BRIAN. Really? Come on, I'm blushing. TOMMY. Okay. Is it less sad in there?
Brian comes over with the drinks. BRIAN. It's more sad, but also maybe more...
Tommy starts to make out with him. Soundproof?
I feel bad I mean, my brother and sister-in-law are—
I haven't asked you anything about yourself. And my morn and dad are literally right...
TOMMY. I'm fascinating Tommy points straight up.
I swear, ask me later— Right.
They kiss. TOMMY. Then I guess we should be very quiet.
BRIAN. Okay, okay BRIAN. Yeah.
Wow. I don't even know if it's possible...
That is... Wow.
TOMMY. You mean, because, like...
Okay wow.
What if they come down?
TOMMY. Are you nervous?
BRIAN. That's my point.
// Are you?
That's so cute. TOMMY. (As a very bad kid.) We could get in trouble again.
You are so cute. BRIAN. Right...
BRIAN. No! I'm not, nervous! TOMMY. Remember last time?
It's just, I think—thank you— BRIAN. Last time?
This place is kind of throwing me off— TOMMY. Dad was so mad he spanked me
I don't usually— Until I was sore for days.
TOMMY. Wait, I still have a mark, see?
Are you married? BRIAN. Urn...
BRIAN. What? TOMMY. And remember the time Mom caught us
No. And sent us to bed without supper?
TOMMY. 'Cause way too BRIAN. Ah...
Many of the dudes online are.
TOMMY. I mean we weren't doing anything wrong.
BRIAN. No, I know— Just playing, right?
TOMMY. And it's funny cause, it's like, Our favorite game.
The single ones just want sex, "Penis to penis:'
But it's always the married ones who want intimacy. BRIAN. What is that?
BRIAN. I don't want intimacy. TOMMY. Don't you remember?
I don't know what's wrong with me. Come here. I'll show you.

24 25
 Tommy arranges himself.
Will you just,
Brian comes closer.
Could you maybe just give me a minute?
But be very quiet Brian tries to recover.
So Mom and Dad don't come downstairs and punish us again...
Because it's wrong, I know we're not supposed to, but I can't help it... It's totally not you.
BRIAN. (Starts, then pauses.) Wait, I'm sorry—are we— TOMMY. I didn't think it was.
Are we pretending to be siblings right now? BRIAN. Just—did I mention my parents—
TOMMY. Shhh. TOMMY. You said a lot, I don't know.
BRIAN. Okay, I'm not— BRIAN. My parents are getting divorced.
TOMMY. Shhh. TOMMY. Okay.
Mom and Dad might hear you and spank you silly. BRIAN. Okay?!?
BRIAN. I don't want to—urn—just— TOMMY. Lots of parents get divorced—
TOMMY. That's so naughty! It sucks when you're like, eight,
BRIAN. Let's not role-play. But you seem pretty middle-aged.
BRIAN. Thanks.
TOMMY. Oh. Okay.
If you can't, like, go with it. TOMMY. So, like, whatever,
BRIAN. I can go with it, Let them do what they want.
I can go with a role-play— BRIAN. Let them do what they want?
I just don't want to do—incest. TOMMY. They're adults.
TOMMY. Incest?! They can do whatever the fuck they want.
BRIAN. "Morn and Dad"? BRIAN. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding?
TOMMY. My mom and dad. Adults cannot do what they want.
That's like—
My morn and dad.
It was "sleepover." The defining feature of adulthood is that you never get to do what
you want.
It wasn't our mom and dad.
Children do what they want.
BRIAN. Okay, cause I said "siblings:'
Adults struggle to meet the needs of other people,
And you didn't correct me. Make a living,
TOMMY. I was in the moment. Satisfy a thousand obligations
BRIAN. I'm sorry I'm sorry— And still fall short and wind up disappointing everyone.
Shit. I feel like an idiot— TOMMY. Are you sure you're not married?
TOMMY. It's fine, hey, it's fine. BRIAN. No, I'm not married.
Let's start over. This is my family.
You want to just tell me what you want? As disappointing as they are, as disrespectful as they are
BRIAN. I, urn... I actually... About like pretty much everything I do...

26
27
As unwilling as they are to, like, see me... 1.(1MMY. I just, like, promised myself I would stop caretaking in
I don't have another family, latlonships —
I don't have "my family." '7 And, like, put myself first, fly my freak flag—
I have fish.
IAN. What are you even—
TOMMY. Look, all I'm trying to say is, having gone through this
II )MMY. You couldn't hang with my role-play, that's fine,
myself-
.in't do yours.
It's not the same because I was a child—
lit take care of you.
But I did feel like the world was ending.
I thought it was my fault, all the typical stuff, 1:IAN. That's not what I'm even asking for.
But I can also tell you, you realize that you can survive this. )MMY. Yeah, but it is.
And it's sad, it's really sad— I IAN. Wow, okay, wow.
But also, maybe not everything is meant to last forever.
IOMMY. And I'm so tired of dealing with, like needy guys—
And, well, how amazing that your parents are still reaching for
BRIAN. That's not // even who I am—
happiness,
Even at their age, TOMMY. Fine, whatever, I have to go.
I mean how brave, and kind of inspiring actually. BRIAN. Great, fine, go.
BRIAN. That's not what's happening here. TOMMY. Good luck with your parents.
My parents are just being shortsighted, and honestly a little bit selfish. BRIAN. Thanks, you're an asshole.
TOMMY. I kind of think you're the one being selfish. TOMMY. Well, you're ridiculous.
That's what I think. BRIAN. By the way, you're going to get lost—
BRIAN. How am I being selfish? The houses all look the same—
I've put my whole life on hold just to be here for them.
TOMMY. This place is literally designed so people with Alzheimer's
Just at the moment, just at the worst possible moment— can navigate it.
TOMMY. Right. I think I'll be fine.
BRIAN. And it's not just my show, I also, just got out of a BRIAN. Great. Go be fine!
Kind of a, like an almost relationship thing for the first time in a very
TOMMY. I will!
long time— You're a fucking baby.
TOMMY. Got it. You are a fucking baby.
BRIAN. And, so I mean, to have this all happen right now— Tommy goes.
And to be, like the only one here with any emotional intelligence— Brian is alone.
No, seriously my brother has, like, all the emotions of a rock— He feels suddenly devastated.
TOMMY. You know what?
A voice, from upstairs:
I actually can't do this.
NANCY. Brian?
BRIAN. Do what?
Are you okay, sweetheart?
I heard voices.

28 29
BRIAN. I think—
CY. A girlfriend.
You were imagining it, Mom.
o a ! a girlfriend on the side.
Nancy flips a switch and the fluorescents flip on.
Everything is suddenly much too bright. ;aria.IRIAN. Carla?
Brian quickly runs some water over his face.
NANCY. Yes. She lives in Vista View.
NANCY. Oh, Brian.
What's gotten into you? IIRIAN. Vista View?
BRIAN. What's gotten into me? NANCY. It's the set of homes near the highway.
What's gotten into me?! IIRIAN. Near the highway?
NANCY. Shhh. NANCY. Why do you keep repeating everything I'm saying?
Shhh. !IRIAN. I'm having trouble understanding.
You are so sensitive. NANCY. I'm only telling you
You always were. Because he's saying I'm the one who suggested a divorce,
BRIAN. You used to say it made me special. Which is true, in a way, but he's hardly blameless in the situation.
NANCY. It does. BRIAN. How did this...
BRIAN. Thank you. How did they...
NANCY. But it's also a bit ridiculous... NANCY. Stand-up comedy class, at the rec center here.
It's all going to be okay. Apparently she thinks he's a "real hoot:'
BRIAN. It is? He parades her around the rec room, the cafeteria, that kind of thing.
She's much younger.
NANCY. I promise.
A real floozy, you know the type.
BRIAN. Good. Very provocative.
And I'm sorry if I don't visit enough, Mom,
BRIAN. Uh-huh.
If that's all this is.
I'll visit more. NANCY. And I think they "sext."
Okay, I'm going to bed. That's what you call it, right?
Sexting? Sending pictures?
He gives her a long hug.
Then he starts to arrange his bed on the sofa. BRIAN. Okay, Mom? Mom?
I actually don't think I can have this conversation with you.
NANCY. Your father has something on the side.
NANCY. You're a grown man, Brian.
BRIAN. What?
BRIAN. What's that supposed to mean?
NANCY. I want to say that outright
Because I feel like I'm getting blamed about all this and it's not fair. NANCY. You're old enough to contemplate
The fact that your father sexts.
BRIAN. What do you mean he has something on the side?
BRIAN. No, I know that. I just don't want to.
NANCY. What do you think I mean? A woman.
NANCY. You've certainly put us through enough.
BRIAN. What?
BRIAN. Right. Okay.
30
31
(A bit colder now.) Mom. I'm sorry this is happening. IIRIAN. What are you talking about?
If it even is happening.
It's, it's, it must be very embarrassing for you. NANCY. Then he went away to college,
And then he joined the Peace Corps to pay for it,
NANCY. More for him, I would think. And then he got a full scholarship to law school
Carla. And then he became a lawyer in Chicago.
He's not funny. He's not. I le was very smart.
BRIAN. Well, this is good information, I les dead now.
And now I'm going to get him to stop. Stroke.
NANCY. I'm not taking him back. NaWthat.
BRIAN. What do you mean? On Facebook.
NANCY. I'm not taking him back. 'IRIAN. And you, what, you still think about this, this, this...
I love him—I mean I must on some level— IJul person?
But I don't think I'm in love with him. NANCY. I've always thought about him.
BRIAN. What does that even mean? Sometimes I wonder
Of course you're not "in love" with him anymore. If I only married your father to try to get Hal out of my heart.
That's not a feeling that lasts. BRIAN. What?
NANCY. That's a very depressing attitude, Brian, NANCY. I know, it was silly, really.
And I think it explains why you're alone. Everyone knows that doesn't work.
BRIAN. I'm only trying to say that... BRIAN. You only married Dad because of, of, of—
Even if you don't feel fully "in love" right now... NANCY. Hal.
Whatever that even means. BRIAN. I don't care what his name was-
I think you can honor the time,
The memory of the time when you were. NANCY. I'm not saying it was the only reason, it was just part of it.
Anyway, people get married for much less.
I know you were.
Once. BRIAN. Right.
I know it. NANCY. But whatever got you into it, you try.
Weren't you? You go on.
NANCY. I suppose I was. You try to make the best of it.
You divide things up over time.
BRIAN. O f course you were.
He'll have the soup. I'll have the salad.
NANCY. With Hal Barrow. Unless there's fries.
BRIAN. Who? I'll have fries over salad but if the choice is soup or salad I'll have
NANCY. Hal Barrow. salad over soup.
BRIAN. Who is that? I find soup depressing, don't you?
It's so wet.
NANCY. He was my high school sweetheart.
I like to chew.

32
33
BRIAN. Mom.
t.,MIdays, you know,
What you're saying is, it's not making any sense.
vary uncommon for a girl not to be married.
NANCY. So, then the years went by and finally, I thought, if I have ubrfather seemed nice enough.
a child, maybe. ;:tie.
Maybe that will help. So I had children. I I inacist is a very respectable job.
Ben, and then you because I wanted Ben to have a companion.
II IAN. Jesus, Mom.
And also I thought maybe at some point something will click
And my heart will do the things it's supposed to be doing. ;Y. And then by the time Hal finally came home from all his
But my heart never did. Mures—
And so then I just sort of... Gave up. too late.
there you go.
BRIAN. Gave up on...
IAN. And that was it?
NANCY. On getting out of love with him.
I probably still love him right now. NCY. Well, no.
Hard to say. ould see Hal from time to time.
I, would come round every now and then to see his parents—
BRIAN. Hal. ' I its was before they died.
NANCY. Stop saying "Hal" like that. I I's mother had terrible Alzheimer's.
BRIAN. Is it not his name? was so sad, by the end she didn't even recognize Pepper—
NANCY. I don't like it. '1hey always had terriers, I don't know why.
BRIAN. You don't like his name. BRIAN. So, every few years you would grab a cup of coffee with Hal.
NANCY. I don't like the way you say it. NANCY. Mmm-hmm. He was married too. He had daughters.
BRIAN. I don't know how else to say it. BRIAN. But he felt the same way.
Hal. "Hal." NANCY. Oh, yes.
NANCY. The point being, BRIAN. But you'd just, like, go to Peet's Coffee at the mall.
I realized it was impossible for me not to love him, NANCY. A bit further out.
So I just learned to live with it. I'd tell your father I was getting my hair done or something.
Sort of the way people live with back pain. He'd never notice if I had my hair done or not, so.
Or a limp. BRIAN. And you'd just grab a coffee.
Don't act like it's some big deal.
NANCY. One time we had dinner.
BRIAN. Why didn't you marry him in the first place?
Your father was off on a fishing trip
NANCY. The timing was always wrong. And Hal's mother happened to have broken her hip
Oh, I waited and waited for him— The exact same week so, you know, for once in our lives our timing
For years, I waited— was good.
And then BRIAN. Uh-huh.
I just panicked.
I wasn't getting any younger and, NANCY. And Ben was old enough to watch you by then,
So I put you both in front of the television set,
34
35
And I told him if he was good I'd buy him baseball cards and then
And you're out in fancy underwear.
I just...
I snuck out. I Y. I didn't say it was fancy, I said it was my best.
III all that nice.
Like a teenager.
I l a t e r that night...
BRIAN. Where did you go? II
t. me the most incredible...
NANCY. We drove, we drove a few hours away I I A N , What?
And had dinner at a steak place in Philadelphia.
It was delicious. N( :Y. How do you say it...
One of those places where the butter is shaped like roses. What,
And then, after dinner, he asked me if I wanted to go on a drive. I li,wertt?
We drove and drove. IANC:Y. Head.
And he parked down under a bridge, I I IAN. (A pause, confused.) What?
By the banks of the Schuylkill.
NCY. He gave me the most incredible head.
I was wearing my first dress of the summer—
I remember it was short, with no stockings on— IAN. WHAT?
Purple and green and black. NCY. I lay back // and he just went up under my skirt—
Do you remember it? You wouldn't. ' d (I AN. Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom—
BRIAN. No. NANCY. I had never felt anything like it in my entire life.
NANCY. It had these tiny flowers and it was one of those halter tops, MOAN. Mom. You have to stop.
My shoulders were bare in it, and it was so NANCY. I had never felt anything like it.
Short that when we got out of the car, IIc• told me—he loved my, you know...
I worried it would blow right up. said, "I love your pussy"
But I kind of liked that feeling too
itRIAN. Mom, please—I'm begging you—
Because I was wearing my best underwear.
NANCY. Just like that. Just like that.
BRIAN. Mom.
And. The truth is?
NANCY. And we just sat down, out there, by the water. In my entire life with your father, he never said anything like that to me.
I could feel the wind blowing up on my legs, and I le never said anything like that.
I could feel the cold ground underneath me. In our entire married life he never once even mentioned my pussy.
Nobody was around—it was the middle of the night. I mean we never discussed it.
I had lost all track of time. iod knows, I praised his penis to the high heavens-
BRIAN. You're lucky Ben and I didn't die. 1went on and on about how wonderful it was-
NANCY. I know, I know. BRIAN. (Trying not to hear this.) Aaaaaaaaaaaah.
But really, he was old enough to look after you // at this point. NANCY. (Sudden, forceful.) No.
BRIAN. This is Ben we're talking about, Mom. You have to hear this.
NANCY. You were fine. Nancy turns to him with ferocity.
I will be a whole person to you.
36
37
I will. antto talk about why I can't ever, like, find intimacy—
Brian looks at her, stunned into silence. ow it.
The point is, your father never praised me that way. actually saw it.
And then this man... Hal... Pause.
Well, it was very powerful.
Y. Well, maybe you're seeing it now.
And then afterwards, he didn't ask me for anything.
We just lay together, in the dark, side by side. Nancy walks back up to bed.
Staring into each other's eyes. Om B r i a n reels.
And you know, I didn't feel guilty at all?
Not for a second.
Scene 4
Because—I felt like something this beautiful—
A moment this perfect—that's why we were put on the earth.
He was looking at me and he was Night has turned into day.
Tracing his finger along my shoulder. Bill is alone, puttering and packing.
Just gently tracing my shoulder.
And then he noticed—I never even noticed this before— Some furniture is missing.
But, he noticed this group of five freckles. More huge piles of clothes fill the living room.
I have five freckles on my shoulder that—if you connected the dots—
From across the way, a neighbor's dog whimpers tragically,
Would make a perfect line. left alone.
It's sort of back here, so, you know, I had never even noticed it myself. It might even howl.
But he traced it over and over again, this perfect line.
Nobody had ever seen that about me before. Bill pauses to listen.
But once he pointed them out, I would look for them every time I Maybe he considers murdering the dog.
got undressed. Instead, he continues to pack as he works on his stand-up.
That little line of five.
Brian is suddenly full of grief
HILL ...I've been married fifty years...
BRIAN. You should have run off with him. Weeach had a very happy twenty years.
NANCY. You're angry that I left you and Ben alone for one night— After that, we met!
A night you don't even remember.
I'm the kinda guy who.
BRIAN. Still, I would have wanted you to be happy. I'm the kinda man who.
NANCY. Children don't care if their parents are happy. I'm a guy who.
You just want us to be there. I'm the kinda husband who.
BRIAN. Well, I didn't want this. I'm a gentleman, ladies and gentlemen!
I wouldn't have wanted—this. Oh no.
Growing up surrounded by— That doesn't work.
You want to talk about why I'm alone? I'm a gentleman, folks.
38
39
Folks. Hey there, folks.
el my business.
Thanks for coming out.
I'm from Delaware. y, okay.
Delaware. over.) I'm actually glad we have a quick sec here, um...
Think of a joke about Delaware. II - o h .
He tries to think of something. (tile, not going to be intense, just—
There's nothing funny about Delaware. III, had a quick check-in with Bri this morning
Maybe that's the joke. lie seemed pretty upset, but you know, that's Brian.
"There's nothing funny about Delaware!" ihat's Brian.
Work on it. ' , Obviously, we all know that
I worked my whole life as a pharmacist, folks. Hi, is the instigator of all this—
Let me tell you what that's like. , I I would have slogged it out.
Nobody much cares that you're there 'til they need you—
It's not like being a doctor, 0000h doctors,
Nope, the pharmacist, well,
IRw ight
noshe's throwing around blame.
You're just expected to be there, twenty-four seven— , Typical.
But make one mistake, you could kill someone! , And, and, and according to Brian,
(Tries again.) Make one mistake, you could kill someone! got something stuck in her head
Nope. t a new friend of yours named Carla.
So, recently, my wife kicked me out... II I,. Who is that?
The wife and I split up. N, You don't know who that is.
She walked me to my car and said: II I.. No idea.
"I hope you die a miserable death:' I N. Okay, great.
I said, "So you're asking me to come back?" Ilse Brian said that Morn said
So you're asking me to come back? 0I guys "sext."
(A sudden plea.) So you're asking me to come back?
t1LL. What is that?
Ben comes in from running.
II I 'N. You send each other
BEN. Is that your U-Haul? lixt messages
BILL. Yeah. What about it. Of a sexual nature.
BEN. Where's Morn? RILL. Brian is not a reliable narrator.
Bill looks around like: Ile's like your mother that way.
How the fuck should I know. HEN. So you've never sexted with a "Carla."
The dog across the way barks sharply. HILL. Nope.
(Scanning the room.) You took your chair? ItEN. Do you even know a Carla?
Where are you even taking that stuff? I tILL. Nope. Not that I know of.

40
41
BEN. You don't know a Carla that you know of.
What the hell are you—
Do you know a Carla that you don't know of?
II / / stop it stop it stop it, get off of me-
BILL. Ben, for god sakes.
i I I felt it! I fucking felt it in your—
There's no Carla.
'', k e t — g i v e me that—
There's no sex messages.
You know I don't text. hat is a box of Tic Tacs!
I don't even know how. I ine, give me a Tic Tac.
BEN. Can I see your phone? in, Just one Tic Tac.
BILL. What? " B i l l does not.
BEN. Can I see your phone? i rver the phone.
BILL. What phone? Iitver the phone.
BEN. Just show me your phone.
I I W h a t am I, twelve years old?
BILL. I don't even know where it is. Nu, I'm not handing over my phone.
I hardly use the thing.
N, GIVE ME THE FUCKING PHONE.
BEN. You don't have it.
The dog across the way starts wildly yapping again.
BILL. Can we let this go? II I„ Quiet down.
Can I get off the witness stand please?
II be the talk of the entire neighborhood.
BEN. You're right you're right you're right.
I ' J, I would love to make you the talk of the neighborhood.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
You want me to see if I can?
I'm under a lot of pressure and it's a very stressful time and...
Come on. There's nothing on it anyway.
Come here, Dad. tie not going to find anything.
You know, I think you're right, He hands the phone to Ben.
I think Mom's imagination gets the best of her sometimes. "J. What's the password?
BILL. She was always a dreamer. Our anniversary.
BEN. Still is. Ben types it in.
BILL. Exactly. What's going on with your hands.
BEN. Didn't mean to make you feel like I was cross-examining you. U N . It's my eczema, Dad,
BILL. No harm done. You know I get eczema when I get stressed.
BEN. Come here. BILL. Don't get it all over my phone.
They hug. BEN. You know what?
Ben tries to feel in all of Bill's pockets for a possible phone. You know what?
They get in a weird tussle. Never mind.
Ben glares at his father.

42
43
 He stares at the phone.
We are leaving, Jess,
He looks into the mid-distance for a while.
going home.
He walks around.
For a while he has no idea what to do. What?
at are you talking about?
Okay. Okay.
So. , This is too fucked up—
This is... Pretty disgusting. is way too fucked up—
we packed?
BILL. Well, you looked, so.
II S$, No we're not packed.
BEN. Did you actually do all the things in these—
I in In my pajamas.
No, forget it forget it forget it—
I i 'tight you said we couldn't leave.
BILL. It can't shock you. lig is happening here?
You were in a fraternity.
Brian enters with a Starbucks coffee.
BEN. This doesn't shock me. Hit I / / Nothing.
The thing that shocks me is...
Not this it's... III N. Nothing.
ilten, to his dad.) Stop that. Stop that.
BILL. What? are not the same.
BEN. I just, I never realized how, like,
Bill shushes him as Ben starts finding any of his things that
Completely full of shit you are.
have been left around and packing them.
BILL. It takes two to tango.
II ',S. (To Brian.) Do you have any idea
BEN. I mean you were... What is going on // here?
You were...
IRIAN. (To Ben.) Wait—did you say something to him?
You were a veteran, you signed up to go.
N. I saw the sexts.
And work—
You worked your ass off— III I AN. Jesus Christ—
And you were so hard on anyone who dared to falter— i I I I,. Oh toughen up, Brian.
BILL. I love your mother. , 're all grown-ups here.
BEN. How can you say that? I, ' I AN. / / Toughen up?
Come on, you lied and now you're running away— ,,Ighen up?!
BILL. I do love her. II ,s. Is there an infidelity issue?
I do. ItI IAN. You were supposed to wait, Ben—
I always have and I always will. I ,.illy even told you about the sexts because I was upset—
BEN. Then I guess you've got a pretty fucked up idea of love. I lust needed somebody to talk to—like a friend or, hey, maybe a
lit (Ither—
Jesscomes in, still in her robe.
Ben makes a decision. BEN. Dude.
JESS. Hi, what's // going on— What difference // does it make?
 BRIAN. Because I trusted you—and you just went ahead and, and,
and— Because I don't have kids.
Guess what, I have over two hundred kids counting on me right now—
BEN. So what,
Who cares BEN. // It's not the same, dude, it's not the same.
About the order of operations here— BRIAN. Nobody in this family has ever taken what I do seriously-
BRIAN. Because we should all talk about this together, JESS. // That's not true.
Like a family. BEN. Oh come on.
JESS. / / Both of you, both of you— BRIAN. And I find it insulting when honestly
BEN. (To Jess.) Babe, this doesn't involve you. I can't think of a job out there more meaningful
// Brian, it's over. Than molding America's future.
Let's go. BEN. Bri, Bri, I don't care, I don't care.
JESS. It doesn't involve me? I'm just saying I am the one who found this place for them,
BRIAN. (To Ben.) You are not leaving! Got them in here, paid for the move,
But there is a limit, even to Mr. Nice Dependable Nice Guy.
BILL. Keep it down.
JESS. Will you both stop?!
BEN. Bri, I took care of it, just like
I take care of everyone // all the time. BRIAN. Mr. Nice Guy?
What is this, opposite day?
BRIAN. Wait, you take care of everyone.
BEN. Opposite day?
BEN. I take like seventy-five to eighty percent of everything Opposite day are you serious?
And it should be fifty-fifty.
BRIAN. You used to sit on my chest until couldn't breathe.
BRIAN. How does he calculate that? You made me walk a million steps behind you on the way to school—
What is that even based on?
You said Mom and Dad were putting me up for adoption—
JESS. Okay, Ben, you know it doesn't // work like that.
BEN. I was a kid.
BRIAN. I am the first responder. BRIAN. You told everyone at school I had a terminal illness,
I do all of the emotional labor of this entire family. And then you made fun of me when I was excited
BEN. I'm talking practically speaking, Brian, I'm saying financially, Because people were noticing me and I thought maybe I suddenly
I'm saying every time anything goes down— got popular.
BILL. What goes down? JESS. Is that true?
Nothing goes down.
BEN. (Explodes at her.) Jess, get in the fucking car.
BEN. And I, I have other priorities right now, From next door, the neighbor's dog barks wildly.
My own life,
Jessdoes not move.
(Re Jess.) Her,
My own family— Shit.
Shit.
JESS. Her? Her?
Nancy comes in, holding bags of clothes.
BRIAN. Oh right, I must not have any responsibilities Everyone stops.
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 Nancy looks to Bill.
NANCY. Is that your U-Haul?
BILL. I have to return it at noon. ACT TWO
NANCY. Then you'd better get going.
BILL. I'd better. Scene 1
Pause.
NANCY. Do you have a long drive? Everything is just as it was at the beginning.
Wait.
I'll make you a sandwich. Except it's very quiet.

Nancy carefully makes Bill a sandwich. And Carla is there.

It's excruciating. Carla is nothing like the floozy we may have imagined.
Ben, Brian, and Jess can hardly bear it. She's cheerful, frumpy, warm, an easy laugher.

Finally, Nancy is finished. The kind of person who wears themed outfits for holidays.
She wraps the sandwich and gives it to Bill. Nancy and Carla stand awkwardly, neither quite knowing
BILL. Thanks. what to do.
I'm sure we'll talk.
Bill looks at Nancy one last time, and goes out. NANCY. Can I get you anything, Carla?
The kids are devastated.
CARLA. Oh, I think I'm fine.
BEN. Mom, are you okay?
Mom? NANCY. You're sure?
CARLA. Oh, yeah.
Nancy does not respond.
If you had a donut or something, I'd take that.
The sound of the U-Haul starting just outside. NANCY. I don't think I have donuts.
And then the U-Haul crashes violently and spectacularly CARLA. I'm a donut freak!
through the kitchen wall. NANCY. Really?
The sound of the truck's horn stuck on. CARLA. Yeah.
NANCY. Sorry, I don't think I // have donuts...
Blaring.
CARLA. That's okay.
End of Act One NANCY. I have crackers?
CARLA. Nah, that's okay.
What kind?
NANCY. Saltines, I think?
CARLA. Yeah, no, that's okay.

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 NANCY. Bill likes to crumble them in his soup.
CARLA. Okay. NANCY. Oh sure, that's the idea.
(Insinuating.) I don't know how "agile he'll be.
NANCY. I f you want you can take them.
They'll know more once the rehab gets going.
CARLA. I'm sure they have em at the grocery store.
CARLA. Oh that's okay that's okay.
NANCY. I won't eat them, most likely. We mostly just like to sit around all day and laugh.
CARLA. Oh yeah? Okay. Okay. He's such a funny guy.
Pause. NANCY. Sure.
Carla looks around. CARLA. And right now he's...
It's great that they could get you in a new unit so fast. NANCY. He's just upstairs, getting ready.
NANCY. It is. He likes to do what he can on his own.
CARLA. Is it much like where you were? It's not much, but I let him take his time.
NANCY. Yes, in fact. Then he calls me up to help out with the rest.
But quieter. CARLA. I can help too.
Our old unit had a lot of— NANCY. I think you'll have plenty of time for that.
You know, those kind of obnoxious loud neighbors. But yes. If you want to, be my guest.
CARLA. Oh yeah, that's the worst. CARLA. We'll wait for him to call down.
And the thin walls. NANCY. Okay.
NANCY. What's that? CARLA. He's probably nervous about seeing me, since...
CARLA. THIN WALLS. NANCY. Since?
NANCY. Right. CARLA. Since the accident and everything.
Here the people are much, much better. He's probably worried what I'll think.
We barely hear a peep. Not that I would think anything but. You know.
CARLA. Well so it's all for the best! (On a brighter note.) And your kids are still around, that's nice.
Carla laughs nervously. I don't mean "around" like "alive
Oh, I didn't mean... I mean here, in town, still staying with you and stuff.
NANCY. No, I know. NANCY. Yes, well, yes, now, ever since the accident, we can't get rid
of them.
CARLA. Obviously, it's a tragedy.
They're relentless.
NANCY. Yes.
CARLA. Oh.
CARLA. Although they've said he may improve, yeah? NANCY. Did he have a stroke?
NANCY. It's hard to know, a bit early to know. Was the U-Haul defective?
But yes, they're hopeful that, with therapy... Should we sue?
CARLA. He could walk again. Like there needs to be some grand explanation for driving a U-Haul
through the wall of your home.
They're over at the medical center now getting a fold-up wheelchair.
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 They'll be by with it, I guess, or I'll have them drop it off.
You're not far, are you? NANCY. What was that?
CARLA. No, just over in Vista View. BILL. (From off) Just a lamp. I'm FINE.
You know, it's... By the highway? NANCY. Well, hurry up, Bill, your girlfriend's waiting.
NANCY. I don't know it, but it sounds very convenient. BILL. (From off) I'm fine.
Carla laughs. Nancy and Carla look at each other.
Neither one of them quite knows what to say. CARLA. Do you got to...
I like your scarf. NANCY. Probably best to let him have his independence, if he can.
CARLA. You do? Tea?
NANCY. Mmm-hmmm. CARLA. Sure.
CARLA. Thanks, I hardly ever wear it. Nancy busies herself making tea.
It's just been sitting on the floor of my closet for ages. So you said you got over thirty boxes!
And then this morning I don't know why, but I grabbed it. NANCY. Yes, people's generosity has been extraordinary.
NANCY. I f you want to donate it... CARLA. Must feel good to be making a contribution, yeah?
CARLA. Excuse me? NANCY. I mean, it's just some old clothing, really.
NANCY. I f you want to donate it, I'm running a clothing drive. But, you know, it is sort of wild
It was my idea, To think about some complete and total stranger halfway across the
And now suddenly world
We've got over thirty boxes, all for refugees. Wearing the same coat I wore just last year.
We're driving it all down to DC— It makes me feel a little bit more like I exist.
CARLA. We? CARLA. I get that.
NANCY. Linda Warburger and I. NANCY. You do?
We all just have so many old things CARLA. I do this thing where—
We never wear anymore and it turns out others do too. I mean it's not exotic like your clothing drive—
When you get here you realize all the things you really don't need. But you know, sometimes I go over to Rose Court and I just hold
CARLA. Like your husband! people's hands.
Sorry, I don't know why I said that. The sick people, the hospice people?
I got a weird sense of humor sometimes. 'Cause some of them don't have anybody, you know?
NANCY. No, it's a very good point... And so I just go over and hold their hands.
CARLA. Anyway, I think I'll keep my scarf. NANCY. And it's not awkward? Holding a stranger's hand?
NANCY. Sure. I understand. CARLA. I think they like it.
A crash from upstairs. I mean I can't tell honestly, most of 'em are pretty out of it.
But nobody's ever socked me in the face.
Bill? You okay?
Of course most of em are probably too far gone for that.
BILL. (From off) I'm fine.

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 II one lady there, this lady, Irma, she's got Alzheimer's pretty bad
Wily. NANCY. I always felt like I had these big things inside me.
And one day the nurses notice, she's saving her cookie. I mean I did, I know I did.
But on the outside, I just looked like a librarian.
NANCY. Her cookie?
CARLA. You mean because...
CARLA. The cookie she got from lunch every day.
She leaves it right on top of her chest of drawers, NANCY. Well, because I was.
Right in front of this little mirror she's got there. I was a librarian.
NANCY. Why would she do that? CARLA. Oh. (Laughs.)
Well, that's a great job, you must get to read everything.
CARLA. Nobody knows.
And then she starts leaving little pictures there too, stuff she drew NANCY. I did read a lot. I still do.
at the craft table. Sometimes I thought about writing a book.
And then she leaves little cards, notes that say things like, "Hello; I had this idea I could put my book on the shelf.
and "Nice to meet you:' CARLA. You probably could,
And the nurses can't figure it out. I mean who's more qualified to write books than a librarian?
They don't know why she's doing this, Write what you know.
Leaving all these little treats and presents and everything in front of And you know books.
the mirror on her dresser. NANCY. Being a librarian is mostly just telling people to be quiet.
Until one day, they realize: CARLA. Oh, sure, yeah, I could see that.
Irma thinks the woman in the mirror is somebody else.
NANCY. How about you?
She thinks it's some other woman, trapped in there.
And she's trying to make a friend. CARLA. Oh, I'm a,
I was a receptionist—dentist's office.
NANCY. You mean she's so far gone...
CARLA. That's right. NANCY. Oh.
She doesn't even recognize herself anymore. CARLA. I mostly tried to cheer people up
While I was, you know, finding a time for their root canal.
They both sit with that for a moment.
I'd make jokes.
NANCY. I don't think I've...
Wear a bright print.
Ever really recognized what I saw in the mirror. I'd dress up for holidays, you know?
CARLA. Oh yeah? Like those reindeer horns with the bells for Christmas
NANCY. I think I can count on one hand the number of times Or I had this axe that I would put on my head like, chopping through
I've looked in the mirror my head, for Halloween.
And the thing I saw matched anything I felt inside. Just trying to say, "Okay, it's the dentist, but we can still have a good
CARLA. I look in the mirror these days I'm like... time:'
AAAAAAH! I did the job that way for forty years.
I'm not leaving treats, I'm running for cover. When I was young, people thought it was cute.
When I got older I think people thought it was kinda sad and crazy.
And then, when I got even older, nobody noticed me at all.

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 I could have had a real axe in my head, nobody would have noticed.
You know, you get older, you become invisible. CARLA. It just tucks right in there.
It has different speeds, different rhythms, you can do harder, softer,
NANCY. Or you're reduced to a cartoon.
pulse, steady.
CARLA. I know! It's just like on a blender.
NANCY. You're either a cute old grandma, or you're a crotchety old NANCY. That's fantastic.
bitch—
CARLA. I'm telling you.
There is nothing in between.
NANCY. Who needs marriage, right?
CARLA. I know, and then I hear younger women complain about—
Well, anything— CARLA. Who needs marriage is right.
Not that—I mean—look, I don't want you to get the wrong impres-
And I just want to punch them in the fucking face.
They have no idea what's coming for them. sion—
I have the greatest respect for marriage.
NANCY. Do you still have sex?
NANCY. Have you ever been married?
CARLA. That's sort of personal.
CARLA. No, like I said I was a receptionist.
NANCY. You're taking my husband, I think it's fair.
NANCY. Well, if you had been, I doubt you would respect it so much.
CARLA. Well, I'll tell you.
I had stopped for a long time. CARLA. Oh yeah?
I was so tired of these men, bumping around down there NANCY. It's not some high and mighty thing up on a hill.
As I pretended to have a good time. It's sort of a stray dog of a thing.
So I had given it up. Sometimes it's nice to have someone around.
Other times it's more of a box you can't claw your way out of.
NANCY. (Apprehensive.) Until Bill?
It holds you. It keeps you.
CARLA. Until I got a vibrator. But don't respect it because god knows it doesn't respect you—
NANCY. Oh, that's smart. It's a boa constrictor—
CARLA. You don't even have to go into a sex store anymore. It will watch you wither and keep going and going for generations,
You just order them on the internet. whether you live or die.
It comes in a plain box so nobody knows. Are you getting married?
And they don't look like a penis anymore, CARLA. Who?
I mean you can get a penis one if you want, but they come in all kinds NANCY. You and Bill.
of shapes.
Mine looks like an egg. CARLA. I never thought of myself as the marrying type really.
And I don't cook or anything, so...
NANCY. Really?
NANCY. Well, you'll have to cook a bit now.
CARLA. Like a little blue egg.
Bill likes to be cooked for.
And it's hands-free.
I can send you some recipes.
NANCY. Hands-free?
CARLA. Oh yeah? I don't want to trouble you.
How is that possible...
NANCY. It's no trouble at all. It's the least I can do.

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 You're doing me a great favor.
(Then, off Carla.) What? BILL. I'm fine.
CARLA. I just... BRIAN. / / You're stuck.
I guess I didn't expect you to be so nice. BILL. Stop that. Stop that.
NANCY. I'm just practical. BRIAN. Okay. There you go,
BILL. (From off) Nancy? NANCY. There you go.
NANCY. (Calling back.) Are you ready? Nancy enters.
She's carrying an overstuffed purse.
BILL. (From off) Why do you think I'm calling you?
NANCY. The emergency numbers are all on the fridge.
NANCY. (Calls back to him.) All right then. Coming right up.
(To Carla.) Excuse me. During what follows, Nancy is brushing her hair, putting on
lipstick, earrings, making sure she has everything in her wallet,
CARLA. Sure. I'll be here.
doing other things to ready herself for leaving.
Nancy goes up.
You can also just pick up any phone and dial zero,
Carla looks around.
Because it's all part of one system.
Slowly she takes off her scarf They come very quickly—obviously.
Folds it. BEN. Okay, great.
Puts it in the donation pile. NANCY. Also if the phone's left off the hook, they just show up.
And goes. So if you think you're having a heart attack or a stroke?
You can just knock over the phone.
And somehow they know it's Bill and Nancy French.
Scene 2 Rona Norberg was telling me at lunch the other day.
I guess she and Arthur knocked the phone off the hook
The next day. While they were, you know...
Medics showed up and walked right in on them.
Bill slowly enters. So be careful about that.
His neck is stabilized with a medical brace. Brian is trying to put a blanket around Bill's feet.
One leg is on a scooter.
It's driving Bill crazy.
One arm is in a sling.
BILL. Stop that.
He tries to navigate his scooter over the carpet: NANCY. Physical therapy is every day at ten and three.
It's impossible. And a nurse will come in the morning.
He gets stuck.
And again in the evening...
It's sad to watch. The staff here does a very good job, he really won't need a thing.
Brian follows him in. (Remembering.) And oh!
There's no need to water the plants—they're fake!
This whole time, I had no idea!
BRIAN. Dad, Dad, here, let me help you.
I thought I had such a green thumb.
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 Nancy looks down at her shoes.
She looks up to her family. NANCY. Brian, I'm sorry, I know this is hard for you—
And before any of you can say anything, BRIAN. Please just...
About how cruel it is for me to leave him this way, Let me have my experience over here.
I'd like to say... BEN. So, just to recap,
She takes a few steps forward. Jess and I will stay 'til tomorrow, Bri will be back for the weekend—
It's not my fault Bill is in this state. BILL. They're going to make me move to Rose Court.
The U-Haul shenanigans were not my fault, BRIAN. Don't you dare say that, Dad.
And I can no longer be tied to every stupid thing NANCY. Not if you can handle things here on your own.
That he does.
BILL. Rose Court is where you go to die.
And yes, I do realize that's what marriage is,
A contract to be tied to each other's stupidity, JESS. Bill, nobody's dying.
But I don't think that's what love ought to be. BEN. Dad, please.
Anyway, no need for a grand speech. NANCY. There's no need to be so dramatic.
BEN. Great. BILL. Me? I'm dramatic?
JESS. You should give a speech if you want, Nancy. You're the one who scared away my girlfriend.
You should say whatever you want. NANCY. I scared away his girlfriend, that's right.
BEN. Okay, Jess. BILL. She was ready to take me off everyone's hands.
NANCY. No. This one talks to her for five minutes and...
That's fine. (Hurt, pained.) I never hear from her again.
Nancy looks down to her feet again. NANCY. Okay. That's what I did.
Stops. BILL. Not that I blame you.
These shoes are very uncomfortable. Jealousy is normal.
Pause, then regaining momentum: NANCY. Why would I want to scare away your girlfriend, Bill?
She was the answer to all of my hopes and dreams, quite frankly.
I've left all the numbers and the name of the hotel...
Where am I staying... BILL. Keep telling yourself that.
Let's see. You keep telling yourself that.
BEN. Here, Mom, I have it here. I know you, Nancy, I got your number.
I'm going to put it in my phone, too. BEN. Okay guys?
Bri, do you want this number? Guys?
BRIAN. No. Nobody is going to Rose Court.
All that's happening is, Mom is going to DC.
BEN. I've got it, so, if you need it. For a few days to drop off the clothes and meet with the—the—what
BRIAN. I won't. is it?
NANCY. The ladies from the charity.
I want to make sure this whole thing isn't a scam.
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If I could, I'd go drop off the clothes with the refugees myself.
Maybe I will one day. JESS. Don't act like it's for me, Ben,
I've been here over a week now,
BEN. Okay, well, you're not going to Syria. So don't act like you're doing me some big fucking favor.
NANCY. It wouldn't be Syria, Ben. NANCY. It's very reasonably priced, just a room in somebody's house.
They're not in Syria, obviously, because they're refugees.
The camp is in Lebanon. JESS. That's great, Nancy.
JESS. She could go to Lebanon, why not? BILL. Great, that's fine by me.
BRIAN. Sure, it's fine, Mom, go to Lebanon. BRIAN. You're not moving into some random room in some random
Leave your injured husband of fifty years and have a great time. stranger's house.
Hopefully he'll still be alive when you get back here. BEN. Bri, calm // down, dude, let's just—
Also my fish are dead so I hope everyone's happy. BRIAN. She could slip and fall, she could get robbed, she could get
NANCY. Oh, I'm not coming back here. raped—
BRIAN. What? NANCY. Oh for the love of god.
NANCY. (To Ben.) You didn't tell him about this? BRIAN. A n Airbnb?
BEN. I thought I would address that— Our mother in an Airbnb?
At her age? It's...
BRIAN. Tell me about what.
NANCY. And Ben said the next thing is, I need to open my own bank
NANCY. I've found an "Airbnb."
account
BEN. Okay, okay, see, So I can "establish my own financial identity."
I thought I would address that after the DC trip. BEN. Mom? Mom Mom Mom.
BRIAN. You what?!
JESS. Don't shut her down.
NANCY. It's only about forty-five minutes away. BRIAN. I can't believe this.
Ben helped me find it.
NANCY. I know!
BRIAN. You helped her find an Airbnb? I never had my own bank account before.
NANCY. It's only until I can get a new unit. BEN. I think that's pretty normal, Mom.
BEN. There's a huge waitlist—
JESS. No, that's insane, Nancy.
BRIAN. You helped her find an Airbnb? NANCY. He's right, plenty of women of my generation didn't have
BEN. Jess, do you want to jump in here? them.
JESS. Not really, no. BEN. All I meant.
BEN. Jess, come on. JESS. My mother always had her own bank account.
JESS. Remember what we've been talking about? I mean, she's a little bit younger than you—
BEN. Jess, I'm doing exactly what you asked, // BEN. Babe—
I'm listening, I'm taking the people's—needs—seriously— JESS. But also she ran her own business—
What more do you want from me? And she still tells my dad what to do.

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 BEN. Babe—
And I am so not doing this,
JESS. What?!
I'm not doing this.
BRIAN. She is literally heartless,
BEN. Not doing what?
Do you know how it feels—
To realize your own mother // is heartless? JESS. Like, first I was "babe" and now I'm going to be "Mom" and
it's like,
JESS. Oh, come on, Brian,
You're not even taking that in
She's not literally—
I am so not waiting fifty more years
BEN. Babe, come on— Only to find myself, only to find myself in this
JESS. And stop fucking calling me babe. Kind of a shit situation.
BEN. Shit. Or I guess it would be forty-three.
JESS. All I was trying to say is- Because, we've been together seven, so.
She's not literally heartless, Brian, BEN. Wow.
She's not literally heartless because if she were? You've done the math.
If she literally had no heart? JESS. I subtracted seven,
She would literally not be alive, that's all I'm trying to say. That's not doing the math.
BRIAN. Okay, fine, everyone knows what I meant. Pause.
JESS. Which is—actually— Ben might put his head in his hands.
That actually makes sense. BRIAN. So... Just to clarify...
Something finally makes sense. Mom's not going to Ben's Airbnb.
Because, like, maybe that's how you all feel about her. JESS. She's going to do
Like she's not alive. Whatever she wants.
NANCY. Thank you, Jess, but— NANCY. Jess—
JESS. Like she's not an actual person, with real actual needs BRIAN. I am not okay with that.
She's just, Mom.
JESS. You're not in charge of her life.
Mom, fix my boo-boo.
She's not, like, some stupid kid in one of your stupid plays—
Mom, make it better.
Mom, you missed my baseball game! NANCY. Jess, it's okay—
Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom. JESS. No, Nancy, I got this.
BRIAN. Thank you, this doesn't involve you. She has articulated something she wants
For maybe the first time in her entire life,
JESS. It does involve me,
Because I am standing here, BRIAN. Oh, come on.
I have somehow found JESS. A n d it's something that doesn't make the rest of you com-
Myself here, with all of you assholes and, it's like, fortable—
I've been here for over a week and I can't even sleep- But you are going to suck it up—
BRIAN. Suck it up? // Seriously?

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 JESS. And listen to her,
Listen to her, But you taught us to be tough.
And let her lead the way. So. There it is. Toughen up.
Why don't both of you grow the fuck up Pause.
And have a little compassion— BEN. Mom?
BRIAN. I have plenty of // compassion. Is that true?
You have no idea, no idea— NANCY. In a way.
JESS. Or at least understanding BEN. Oh my god—
For the fact that this is a woman JESS. Ben.
Who has worked her ass off to satisfy your
BILL. It's fine, I know all about it.
Every need—
BRIAN. What?
NANCY. That's okay, Jess.
BILL. That thing with Hal Barrow.
JESS. And who has never, ever in her whole entire life
Yeah, I always knew about that.
Asked you for anything—
What about her needs? Pause.
What about her getting her own needs met? NANCY. You did?
BRIAN. Oh, BRIAN. You did?
I think our mother got her needs met. JESS. Okay,
NANCY. Brian. Okay.
BRIAN. She was getting her needs met, BEN. This is so crazy.
Don't you worry. BRIAN. You knew?
JESS. What is that supposed to mean. BILL. O f course I knew.
BEN. What the fuck are you talking about, Bri. It was obvious.
NANCY. Brian. Every time she saw him she lit up like a Christmas tree.
BRIAN. I'm not keeping your precious secret, Mom. NANCY. Why didn't you...
You're leaving this family? Say something.
You forfeit the right. BILL. I guess
Our entire childhood she was in love with a guy named Hal. I liked seeing you happy.
BEN. Hal? Everyone takes that in.
JESS. Who is Hal? BEN. Great, so great, so now it's official,
BRIAN. Mom loved him, The whole thing was a joke.
And he loved her pussy. No, great, no, that feels good.
To finally get that out in the open.
BEN. What?!?
Nobody was happy, nobody was
BRIAN. And I'm sorry if that's painful to hear, Dad. Honest, everyone was suffering and compromising.

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Hallelujah.
That's the truth.
What a relief to know that nothing was anything other than
Pure, unmitigated, bullshit. We do not communicate.
I mean, every Christmas. And that scares the shit out of me
Every birthday. Because we are about to—to—to—
Every baseball game. Start a family.
Bullshit bullshit bullshit.
Start a family.
Every family photo, every family trip, every hug, every lesson
That sounds stupid.
learned, take your pep talks, your
How stupid does that sound right now?
Matching plaid pajamas-
Just erase it all and replace it with bullshit. I mean, I mean,
Our whole childhood. What kind of a loving family—
Just blown sky-high into bullshit. What kind of grandparents are you—
(To Nancy.) And here I am, like an idiot, finding an Airbnb for you. You're supposed to want to be—
Because I want you to be happy Knitting booties or woodworking a crib or whatever—
And comfortable And now, because of you, my skin is literally like peeling off of my
And making sure it has AC and wifi and is pet-friendly in case you body—
want to get a cat— And—
Because Dad was always "allergic," but hey, it's a new day— (To his parents.) I don't even want you.
And I'm putting it all on my credit card and handling things, like I don't even want you around him.
an idiot— You—yes, you—
(To Jess.) And then you're pissed at me, With the lies and the—I- j u s t feel like—honestly—
For calling you "babe," Honestly, it would be simpler,
When, like, you used to love that, It would be easier if you had just died.
You used to talk in baby talk, literal sexy baby talk— Because at least that would make sense.
When we were fooling around— At least then, I could keep my memories.
JESS. Are you serious, are you— You want to know what love is?
BEN. Oh sorry everyone, is this too personal now— Love is commitment, love is commitment—
Sorry Mom, Dad, Bri, fuck you all. Ben breaks down completely.
(Back to Jess.) You did, you talked in that high little baby talk— Jessgoes to him, stopping him.
JESS. I was playing around— JESS. Shhh. Shhhh. Shhhhh.
BEN. You wanted to be all sexy baby and now I'm the jerk, It's okay.
'Cause I don't see you— He buries his head on her stomach.
When the truth is, A very long pause.
You never told me, you changed your mind and you never told me. Nobody knows what to do.
We do not communicate! BRIAN. Okay.

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 Okay.
A beat.
I'll.
I'll move in here with Dad. BRIAN. What about Thanksgiving.
NANCY. We don't want you to do that. BEN. That's six months away, dude.
Bill, do you want him to do that? BRIAN. Still.
Pause. BEN. Maybe we'll go to Jess's family this year.
BILL. No. She's always wanted to do that, and we'll have the baby so...
NANCY. Maybe we haven't been clear. BRIAN. So I'm just, like "Ubering" by myself between an Airbnb
We don't want you here anymore. and Rose Court?
God, that's depressing.
BILL. You kids should go.
Are you even making a turkey, Mom?
NANCY. It's enough.
NANCY. I hadn't thought about it.
Brian. Ben.
Enough. BILL. I'm not going to Rose Court.
I can't take care of you anymore. BRIAN. I'm just like eating cafeteria turkey with Dad and some nurse?
I understand that we were supposed to make you feel like the world NANCY. There's a decent Chinese at the mall.
is safe BRIAN. Oh my god.
And love is possible.
BEN. You can come to Jess's if you want.
But, you know, that's an enormous responsibility.
And I'm not sure it's true. BRIAN. I don't want to be your charity case, Ben.
I don't want to be, like, your good deed for the year.
BEN. Well, the world is definitely not safe, so.
BEN. Please come.
JESS. Love...
We'd like you to come.
Is possible.
Hang with your nephew...
BEN. Jess- Teach him about... What you do.
JESS. No, I know that for a fact. I'm trying. I don't know what to say.
I don't know how exactly? I'm trying here.
But... BRIAN. I'll consider your invitation.
I think I...
JESS. (From off.) Ben? I'm ready.
I still believe in it.
BEN. Yep.
BEN. Okay.
Coming.
Okay.
I'll go get us packed. Ben goes to help Jess with the bags.
He and Jesscome downstairs.
JESS. No.
It's okay. BRIAN. So this is it?
I got this. Are we going to see you guys together ever again?
Are we ever going to be together, like this, ever again?
She goes.
NANCY. I don't know.
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 They all look to each other.
NANCY. That was funny.
If I can offer a little maternal advice?
BEN. Tell Brian...
I would focus on your own lives.
We said bye.
(To Ben.) You have a baby coming.
You should probably get things straightened out before then. NANCY. Bye, kids.
Drive safe!
Nancy turns to Brian.
And they're gone.
And Brian,
Brian comes back in with his stuff
Two hundred kids
Seems like way too much for The Crucible. BRIAN. I'm taking an Uber to the train.
I understand you don't want anybody to feel disappointed. I can't, I can't.
But it's better to be truthful, I think. I'm sad. That's all.
I think maybe truth is the first part of love. It's okay.
I'll call you.
BRIAN. Yeah well...
(Into his phone.) Yes, yes, I'm coming outside. I'm coming right now.
Thanks for your honesty.
And he goes.
Pause.
Nancy watches from the doorway as the car drives off
The show is actually pretty great.
She turns back to Bill.
It's beautiful to see all those kids' faces light up,
Feeling like they're part of something. NANCY. And they're gone.
Maybe someday you'll come check it out. BILL. Well.
I have to get my stuff. Then.
He goes off to get his stuff That's that.
You'll probably want to head off to DC.
NANCY. I didn't mean to insult him.
Nancy has a faraway look on her face.
BEN. I didn't mean when I said—
NANCY. I was just thinking about
NANCY. I know.
When Brian went off to college.
BEN. I mean I... I... Love you guys.
BILL. What about it.
NANCY. We love you.
NANCY. And we dropped him off near his dorm
BILL. Take care, son. Because he—he wouldn't let us come too close, in case someone
JESS. Bye Bill, bye Nancy. might see us,
NANCY. Keep us posted on that baby. And figure out he had parents.
JESS. Any day now. And remember, he was wearing that sort of oversized
Maroon cowl-neck sweater, with the buttons?
BILL. Parenthood is very rewarding.
BILL. Cowl-neck?
Nancy looks at him.
She laughs. NANCY. It was such a blue fall day,
And we watched him walk off down the road and he looked so
ridiculous and hopeful
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 And beautiful,
And now I think... I lived my entire life that way—no splash—
And my heart just flew right out of my body with him.
No impact—
BILL. Nancy, I... I said I would like a divorce, you just said, "All right."
NANCY. (Re her ring.) I guess I should give this back. BILL. What was I supposed to say?
That feels sort of strange. Was I supposed to fight for you?
She puts her ring on the kitchen table. NANCY. Is that too much to ask?
BILL. Keep it. BILL. I can't play this game with you, Nancy,
Go on. I don't know the rules.
It didn't mean a thing anyway. J. I was trying to be accommodating.
NANCY. How can you say that? NANCY. I don't want to be accommodated.
You don't mean...Hal?
BILL. Yeah, Hal.
1 Don't accommodate me.
See me.
Good old Hal. Challenge me.
Let's not talk about Hal— Touch me.
I spent enough of my life thinking about that bag of shit. Destroy me.
NANCY. Hold on. Do something to me so I know that I'm here.
No—you have to understand, I just want to know that I'm here, alive.
I thought it was just mine— BILL. Nancy.
A problem I had, I drove a truck through the wall of our house.
I never meant for it to hurt you. NANCY. That was an accident.
Honestly,
BILL. You know, for a bright woman
I'm shocked you even noticed.
You can be remarkably slow on the uptake.
BILL. Oh, I noticed.
NANCY. You're saying you did that for me?
It's a lot easier being the fantasy, you know that?
You never have to do the day in, day out. BILL. I don't know,
I don't know why I did it.
NANCY. Well, I'm shocked.
I hate this place,
You never seemed to notice me at all—
"Grand Horizons,"
It's just like the canoe.
You try to smash it and it grows back like an octopus.
BILL. What canoe? It's an octopus.
NANCY. I've told you this— I'd blow the whole thing up if I could.
How my father used to take me out on the lake in the canoe— NANCY. You're a maniac.
We would paddle for hours in total silence... You're out of your mind.
And he taught me never to take my paddle out of the water,
BILL. Well, if I'm out of my mind, it's because you made me this way.
Forward and back, forward and back,
You think you had no impact in your stupid canoe
So that I wouldn't even make the smallest splash, the tiniest sound.
With all your splashing and paddling around, that's a laugh.

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 NANCY. What impact did I have?
BILL. I was trying the whole time.
BILL. You were my whole life, Nancy. That was me trying.
You've been my whole entire life.
NANCY. Well, you don't have to try anymore.
A pause. Doesn't that feel fantastic?!?
Nancy takes that in.
BILL. It does.
NANCY. How? // It feels fucking great.
BILL. It's just science, plain science— I'm a new man.
Every meal you've ever cooked NANCY. I'm twenty years old again.
Is now what makes up the cells in my body. I can't wait to get the hell out of here.
This stuff you picked out at the grocery store.
BILL. Then go.
The pot roast you made over and over and over, the eternal pot roast,
Get the hell out!!
I am literally made up of that now.
My cholesterol, well... A NEIGHBOR. (From off) Hey, quiet down over there!
That's your fondness for eggs in the morning. BILL. You quiet down.
NANCY. You liked eggs, Quiet down your goddamn self.
That was you— NANCY. We will NOT QUIET DOWN.
BILL. I prefer toast. WE WILL NOT BE QUIET.
I have more wrinkles on the left side of my face, ever notice that? BILL. We spent enough time being quiet.
How it's sort of smushed up? NANCY. We're going to be loud.
That's from years and years of sleeping on my left side And if you don't like it, you can come at us.
Because I know you like to sleep on your left and I used to like to BILL. Okay, that's okay, Nancy—
hold on to you that way.
NANCY. We will fuck you up, lady.
So my face, my whole face is a result of how you sleep.
We will fuck you up.
NANCY. You can't hold me responsible for your crooked face—
A moment of release.
BILL. And while were on the subject of romance. A shared silence.
Let me tell you something, Nancy.
I want to go to DC with Linda Warburger.
You were no acrobat.
I want to be touched.
NANCY. Oh fuck you, Bill. Softly,
BILL. You just lay there expecting me to figure it out, I do.
Well, I'm not a mind reader. I want my own bank account.
How the hell was I supposed to know what you wanted. I want to get one of those eggs from the internet.
NANCY. You could have asked. I might go to Lebanon.
BILL. I didn't know the questions. And I...
I would have done anything, anything to please you. I don't want to be Nancy French anymore.
NANCY. You didn't even try. BILL. I don't want to be Bill French.
NANCY. (Stops, then.) You don't?
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 BILL. No,
NANCY. Thank you.
It's just a job, it's a lousy job,
I'd quit if I could. BILL. I like feet.
A beat. NANCY. Really?
Something falls away. I have weird toes.
NANCY. What else? BILL. But a beautiful arch.
BILL. What do you mean? Pause.
NANCY. What else don't you want. NANCY. Now what.
Or do you want, or... BILL. I don't know.
Anything. Pause.
BILL. You mean... Nancy looks to the door, her bags.
Okay, what the hell. NANCY. I don't have much time.
I want... BILL. Neither do I.
To tell some good jokes.
Pause.
I want...
No, that's pretty much it. NANCY. What if—
What if we tell each other more things
NANCY. That is not it.
We want out of life.
BILL. Okay, fine. And maybe...
I want...
BILL. What?
I want our kids to get their shit together.
I want to be a better grandfather than I was a father. NANCY. I don't know.
I want to take a walk. BILL. Okay.
NANCY. I want to take off my shoes. You go first.
Just for a moment. NANCY. You go.
They're killing my feet. BILL. Count of three.
She takes off her shoes. One, two, three...
BILL. (Re his medical gear.) I don't want to wear this stupid thing. NANCY. / / A cat.
It's driving me nuts. BILL. Death with dignity.
He takes off his medical collar. NANCY. Okay.
NANCY. But—the doctors— One, two, three...
BILL. (Dismissively.) Doctors. Make a difference.
I'll be fine. You didn't say // anything.
He looks at her feet. BILL. Sorry, sorry, I was just...
I will.
Nice feet.
Ready?

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NANCY. Yes.
PROPERTY LIST
You're with me this time.
(Use this space to create props lists for your production)
BILL. I'm with you.
Here we go.
One...
NANCY. Two...
BILL. Three.
Pause.
They look at each other.
Really look.
They take a breath in unison.

End of Play