ONLY

IN
THIS
MAG!
JUN 25-JU , 2018 .9 NZ .45

*Excludes NZ resident

Stunning celebs
EMMA K
GOES ALL
THE WAY

J-Law Miley -Lo

START

LOO SE
IN
NOOSA‘Bachelor’ babe bares her
boobs on the beach!

A
FTER a short career as an Instagram
star, The Bachelor’s Alex Nation has
decided to get a REAL JOB. But she
still found time recently to enjoy a
holiday in Noosa, Queensland…and accidentally
FLASHED HER ACE FUNBAGS while there.
The 26-year-old yummy mummy – who’s
also a beaut BISEXUAL – had the wardrobe
malfunction while posing for photos for a mate.
That’s when a sneaky paparazzo took this sly
BAP SNAP when Alex wasn’t looking.
The stunna won the reality TV show in 2016,
but her relationship with bachelor boy Richie
Strahan quickly FELL APART…a bit like her red
one-piece swimsuit in this pic.
With no fella and no steady income from
her previous gig selling sponsored Instagram
posts, Alex is now looking for regular work.
Hmmm…if Alex wants a job that pays well
she could always look at going into POLITICS.
Hell, she could start her own party and call
it WUMBA NATION!

TALK TO US CONTENTS
BY MAIL: 08 FULL FRONTAL 40 T&Cs
GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001 28 12 PORN WATCH
64 44 FUNNY SHIT
BY EMAIL:
[email protected]
14 NEWS TO US 46 MAMMARY LANE
BY PHONE:
(02) 9288 9686 16 STARS MINUS BRAS 50 GIZ!
Readers:
FACEBOOK: please note 22 TOP CELEB SELFIES 51 MODEL CITIZENS
aussiepeople our new PO
box address. 26 ANIMAL HOUSE 68 TRUE BLUE
TWITTER:
PeopleOz 33 BRAIN GAMES 70 THE BACK DOOR
JUST ADD MILK
 Tuck into
a bowl of
all-natural
goodness!
PHOTOS BY ADAM TURNER
PHOTOGRAPHY

T
HERE have been nasty
rumours going round
that Emma Kuziara
– better known to
glamma modelling fans as
Emma K – has RETIRED from
getting her BUSTY STUFF out
for the cameras. Well, they’re
NOT TRUE!

5
 As the pics in this feature
show, the rumours are nothing
but FAKE NEWS. In fact, they’re
the ONLY fake thing about Ems,
who’s the hottest NATURAL
babe we’ve run in ages.
“I always wanted to be a
model,” the 25-year-old Brit
said in an interview. “I’ve
always LOVED being in front of
a camera and the attention
that comes with it…that was
ALL I wanted to do.”

‘I LIKE MY
BUM...I WORK
HARD ON IT’
Emma achieved her lifelong
dream and has gone on to
become a highly-sought-after
pin-up gal for tons of top-shelf
girlie mags around the globe.
“I like glamma modelling. It’s
far more fun than other forms
of modelling. And it’s well paid,
depending on how many jobs
I get given a month.”
Emma’s also weathered the
criticism from a small number
of WOWSERS who look on her
chosen career in a bad way.
“In terms of feedback, I’d
say that only around 10% is
negative. At the end of the day
it’s just taking your top off.”
Yeah, FUCK ’EM, we say.
Keep doing what you’re doing
and we’ll keep doing what
WE’RE doing…having a CRAFTY
WANK in the pub toilets staring
at your pix!
 The latest in nudity from around the globe!

FIELDS OF
DREAMS

HEARD THE NEWS

AFTER finalising a very public divorce with swashbuckling DRUNKARD Johnny Depp, actress Amber Heard
is still looking FINE AS. The BUDDING star was on her way to a dinner in New York when this pap snap
(above left) was taken. But wearing see-through shirts isn’t the ONLY thing Amber’s been doing lately.
The 32-year-old stunner also gets NUDE in the trailer for the upcoming fillum London Fields. In the murder
mystery, she plays clairvoyant and seductress Nicola Six who discovers she’ll be murdered on her 35th
birthday and sets out to find the killer. Presumably after she’s put on some clothes.
8
SWEET COCO SHARING
APPEARING in the 15th issue of Many Vids
Mag is Ice T’s bodacious ball’n’chain,
booty-ful model Nicole “Coco” Austin.
pretending to solve crimes in Law & Order:
Special Victims Unit. And he has to come
home afterwards to make SWEET LOVE to
THE LOVE
Spare a though for Ice, but. The poor bloke THIS 39-years-young hornbag. It must be The freshest flesh on
has to get paid millions to act badly while really draining…on his BALLS.
celebrity social media
NICE TS!

WHEN she’s not acting, you’ll probably find Nina

Dobrev doing THE YOGA. She’s gotten so good at
it, she’s reached the point where no yoga pants
can hold in her CAMEL-TOE.

HIP-HOP honey Amber Rose posted a FOXY

BOXING topless snap on her Insta to promote
the Fourth Annual SlutWalk protest match in LA.

9
FULL FRONTAL

THORNE
BUDS FLESH PRODUCE

SENSE8-
TIONAL
AS YOU can clearly see,the new
season of Yank telly’s Sense8
has a whole lotta loving going
on. Starlets Doona Bae, Jamie
Clayton, Freema Agyeman and
Mumbi Maina all partake in
what can only be described as
a FLESH-FILLED ORGY. And we
can only be described as very
fucking happy about it.

BELLA BUSTS OUT

WITH more than 17 MILLION followers on Instagram, former actress
and current social influencer Bella Thorne doesn’t ever need to
work again. The 20-year-old reportedly makes about $83,000 for
every ad she plugs online. So she has plenty of time to go on
holidays to Hawaii and FROLIC in the sea. This gives the waves
plenty of time to knock her top OFF.
10
 PERRIE
GOOD
WHAT? You’ve never heard of British
girl group Little Mix? You know…the
quartet who rose to fame in 2011
on the UK teev’s X Factor? Look,
to be honest, we hadn’t
heard of them either.
However, we’re now
YOOJ FANS, mainly
because of this
LITTLE MINX PAP SNAP of group
member Perrie
Edwards sunning
her pips while
holidaying in Greece.

EMMA HIX
JUST from looking at her, you could be forgiven for thinking that
Emma Hix is INNOCENT. But when you read through the 20-year-old
Canadian’s filmography, you’ll soon find she’s FEELTHY AS FUCK. See
her in such frottage films as 2017’s Cum Eating Cuckolds 25 and this
year’s Babysitters Taking On Black Cock 6.
11
 PORN WATCH Our no-holes-barred round-up of adult entertainment

SUPER SUPER
NATURALS
Starring: Nia Nacci,
Brooke Karter, Isabella
TRIPLE-X TWITTER
The cream of the
adult film world tell

NAUGHTY!
Nice, Devon Green, us what (and who)
they’re doing!
Emma Hix
Made by: Wicked
Pictures
Release date: out now
WE’RE big fans of the Devon Green and Emma
long-running TV series Hix – has the boobies that
Supernatural, the spooky God gave them.
drama about two brothers And they’re more than
investigating creepy cases happy to let a bunch of
where things go BUMP IN muscular woodsmen,
THE NIGHT. including big-dicked legend
Now, dirty movie-maker Tommy Gunn, rub their
Rikki Braun (son of porno fuck-sticks all over those
director Axel) has made all-natural norks, then spill ‘Get to know me a
bit before putting
Super Naturals, where their MILKY SEED on ’em! your cock in my
beautiful babes go HUMP Sorry, Winchester boys, mouth. Or just
IN THE NIGHT! but if it’s a choice between skip to that...’
Every one of these being SCARED STIFF and – @ChanelPreston
knob-hungry nymphos – just BEING STIFF, we’ll
Nia Nacci (right), Brooke take Super Naturals over
Karter, Isabella Nice, Supernatural every time!

Brooke gets set

to meet Brad
Knight’s dong

‘I am never NOT
horny. I need you
to help get me off
right now!!!’
– @SashaHeart

MEET THE MILF ALANA LUV

BORN: 1982 in Moscow, Russia ex-boyfriend. I guess it was because he wass
STATS: 34C-25-36 Latino and he knew what to do. I was like,
QUICK FACTS: Alana was only a baby when ‘Oh my God! This is what it feels like! This feeels
her family moved to the USA from Mother great!’ Haha! I felt like a virgin all over againn.”
Russia. The former accountant and marketing HOW DO YOU WANT TO BE FUCKED, ALANA A?
manager was struggling after the GFC and “Honestly, I like it gentle. Sometimes I like itt
decided to make ends meet as a prossie at rough, it depends on my mood. What really
the infamous Bunny Ranch in Nevada. From gets me going is a lot of foreplay.”
there, it was a short hop, skip and FUCK to WHAT’S THE KINKIEST THING YOU’VE DONE ‘You ever walk into
becoming a porn actrine. AWAY FROM THE FILM SET? “My ex and I had h a room and forget
STARS IN: Up That White Ass 5, My Girlfriend’s a threesome with his friend – they tied me up u what you were
Hot Mom 12, Bang N Breakfast and had their way with me. To me, that’s kinky doing? I just play
with myself, till it
IS IT TRUE YOU DIDN’T HAVE AN ORGASM ’cos I usually don’t do bondage on camera or cums to me.’
TILL YOU WERE 26? “Correct. I’d been having off. They blindfolded me and everything. It wasw – @Madison420Ivy
sex for a while but my first orgasm was with an good sex.” (Madison Ivy)
 Measures THE NRL WALL CLOCK
56 cm tall COLLECTION
including pendulum YOUR TEAM. YOUR TIME®
and weights
SEE & HEAR

It’s the moment which makes your heart beat faster:

Your team has scored and the victory is yours! Now you
Authentic can bring that pride to every minute of your day with
the officially licensed “NRL Wall Clocks,” a collection of
team colours brilliantly crafted timepieces capturing the thrill of an
NRL home game… every minute of the day!
Each clock features an official team logo richly
Precision emblazoned across the face, leaving no doubt where your
quartz true colours lie. Below, an image of each team’s home
ground puts you in the middle of the action, which really gets
movement going at the top of each hour: as the hour strikes, you’ll
thrill to the sight of a team player bursting through the
doors, just as the sound of a roaring crowd fills the air!
Specially Available for a limited time only.
commissioned Act now or miss out!
art depicts Complete with a Certificate of Authenticity, each clock is
outstanding value at just $299.95 or five easy, interest-
each home free instalments of $59.99, plus $19.99 postage and
ground handling, backed by our 365-day guarantee. Each clock
will be available for a limited time only, so you need to
respond fast. Send no money now. Just return the coupon
or go online at www.bradford.com.au/nrl

PAY NOTHING NOW

Requires 2x “D” batteries and 1x “AA” battery THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE
(not included). Sound may be turned off. Please Respond Promptly
YES! Please reserve the “Official NRL Wall Clock” for me
as described in this advertisement. I understand I need pay
nothing now. I have indicated my team below:
My Team is:___________________________________
GO ONLINE TO FIND YOUR TEAM! Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms ____ First Name: ____________________________
Surname:_______________________________________________
Address: _______________________________________________
____________________________________ Postcode: __________
Phone: ________________________________________________
Email: _________________________________________________
Signature: ______________________________________________
1. ONLINE at www.bradford.com.au/nrl
quoting promotion code: 99455
2. MAIL no stamp required, to: The Bradford Exchange,
For quickest delivery, order online: Reply Paid 86369 Parramatta NSW 2124
www.bradford.com.au/nrl 3. PHONE: Toll-Free 1300 725 103 8am-5pm Mon – Fri
Quoting promotion code: 99455 Please allow up to 10 business days for delivery. All sales subject to product availability and reservation acceptance. Credit
criteria may apply. Our privacy policy is available online at www.bradford.com.au. You must be over 18 years old to apply.
From time to time, we may allow carefully screened companies to contact you. If you would prefer not to receive such offers,
please tick this box. ❑
 NEWS TO US We present another dose of weirdness from around the world

RED-HOT
WHEELS!
AFTER getting in a BINGLE with another
driver, Nelson Rowe credited two
spectators and a competitor for saving
his LIFE after he escaped from this
FLAMING WRECK at a Formula Ford race
in Cadwell Park, England. “I was awake
for all of it. I couldn’t see the flames but
could smell petrol and felt something
wet on my leg,” the INDESTRUCTIBLE
Rowe bragged. “My helmet was cracked
and my overalls singed. I’m stiff but fine There goes
– a lot better than expected.” In better your no-claim
condition than his car anyway. bonus!
 RIDE-THRU
BOTTLE-O A LOGAN woman
has been charged
with DRINK
RIDING after she
rode a horse to
her local drive-
thru bottle-o more
than FOUR TIMES
over the legal
limit. Queensland
police arrested
the 51-year-old at
Logan City Tavern
where they allege
she recorded
a positive
blood-alcohol
reading of .226%.

FROZEN PARTS
EXACTLY 2505 Irish lassies SNAP-FROZE their LADY BITS to set
a world record for the sixth annual “Strip & Dip” anti-cancer
charity swim held at Magheramore Beach in County Wicklow,
Ireland. The nude bathers SHATTERED the 2015 record
previously held by 786 Aussie skinny-dippers in Perth, despite
the water temperature being at least 10ºC COLDER in Ireland!

15
 FAMOUS FUCKERS!

C S
E
It’s the stars
minus their
bras...and, for
some, their
undies, too!

A
GAL’S gotta do what a gal’s gotta do to get
ahead in the cutthroat world of SHOW BIZ.
For some celebrities, grabbing the public’s
attention and STAYING in the limelight may
mean accepting saucy film or TV roles where they
have to expose their PRIVATE PARTS.
For others, it could be doing a naughty NAKED
SHOOT for a magazine or website. Maybe it’s
a cheeky FLASH OF FLESH on social media. MILEY CYRUS
And for some it involves accidentally (deliberately) This Terry Richardson
baring their RUDE BITS on a beach or on the red pic of the Seppo
carpet in front of a billion or two pop-eyed paparazzi. singer sporting a
It’s the PRICE these ladies pay for fame, readers, strap-on was equal
and we’re more than happy to CASH IN! parts horny and
disturbing.
16
 CHARLOTTE STAR
The name says it
all! The Oz porn
queen sold a ton of
mags when she
was our March 19
cover gal and
centrefold.

CARA DELEVIGNE
Two for the price of one! Here’s topless
Cara (of Suicide Squad fame) hanging
out with Michelle Rodriguez.

JENNIFER LOPEZ
She may be 48, but
Latina singing
legend J-Lo still
sports a bod that
chicks HALF her
age would envy.
FAMOUS FUCKERS!

AUBREY BLACK
This Oz cock-cravin’
cougar is 43 years
young and making
waves in the MILF
genre in the
18 American jiz biz!
 KATIE PRICE
The former Jordan
got away from it all
for a holiday in
Portugal. But the
busty glamma
couldn’t escape
the paparazzi!

STORMY DANIELS
When she isn’t
busy fighting US
Prez Donald Trump
in court, Stormy
earns coin with
a bit of stripping!

SARAH HYLAND
The star of Modern
Family popped out
in Hollywood earlier
this year and
popped out her
modern MAM-ily!

KATE MOSS
The Brit spunk ARIANNY CELESTE
celebrated her The stunning UFC
near-30-year ring girl took a
modelling career break from the
by disrobing for Octagon to bare
BeCool mag. her KNOCKOUTS
on a beach!
FAMOUS FUCKERS!
NICOLE KIDMAN
It’s been a fab 12
months for fans of
Nic, who’s bared
bosom in TV’s Big
Little Lies (right)
and film The Killing
Of A Sacred Deer.

BIANCA BALTI
The Italian model
thought about
using titty tape
while out in New
York, then thought,
“Fuck it!” In Italian.

JAYDE NICOLE JENNIFER LAWRENCE

It’s not like we We have no idea if
haven’t seen the Red Sparrow is a
Playboy pin-up’s good flick or not.
goodies before...it’s We saw Jen nude,
just that naked tits wanked like crazy,
are BETTER when then passed out.
bared in public!
 SALLY HAWKINS
The Shape Of Water
smashed it in the
Oscars, winning
four gongs.
Speaking of which,
we’d love to smash
Sally’s smoo!

NEREYDA BIRD
Why did Nereyda
get the nod as April
2018’s Playboy
Playmate? We’ll let
you (and your
knob) be the judge.

BELLA
A BBQ never looked
more inviting than
the time we ran pix
of Bella cooking
snags and sucking
on a VB. 21
 PHOTO BOMBSHELLS

Kendra Sunderland started

her X-rated career by filming
herself WANK in a US library.
We’d love to BORROW her!

It’s no secret that Yank Emily Maitland Ward is basically

Ratajowski has the world’s doing PORN these days, so
best TITTAYS. We’re just glad this nude pose is surprisingly
she shares them with us. RESTRAINED for the actrine.

Pommy Page 3 legend Brit glamma Emma Glover

Melissa Debling gets to live takes bulk selfies for her
out our dreams. She gets to website so we don’t forget
CARESS those boobs all day! what her BAPS look like.
BAP
SNAPS!
These selfie-obsessed celebrities
love themselves…and so do we!
If we woke up with a pair of
gazongas like Russki model
Olga Kobzar, we’d photograph
them all day, too!

Famous for having a big arse,

Kim Kardashian wants her
many fans to know that she
also a sensational rack.

With boobs so big they have

their own POSTCODES, Sarah
Randall requires an iPhone
with a WIDE-ANGLE lens.
23
FILTHY FOTOS?

She just wants

to keep her
hands warm

Gonna be
If you see
some stiff
breezes today!
something
rude in these
pix, then
you’ve got...

That’s one happy

palm tree

We think he’s taking

THE PISS in this pic

His dick’s
a FOOT long!
 An Illuminated HO-Scale Electric
Train Collection Tha Glo
Officially Licensed By Lucasfilm Ltd.
➤

Further Issue
Dome Car and FREE Power
Pack & Speed Controller

Everything You Need To Run Your Train!

➤
Upcoming Issue 14-pc.Track Set—
Engine and FREE
Track Set
creates a 119cm
EE x 97cm oval—
ded FR
u Power-pack &
Incl

➤
Speed Controller—
Issue One
For quickest delivery, order online: a $100 value!
Diesel Locomotive www.bradford.com.au/starwars
Fine collectable. Not intended for children under 14.
Quoting promotion code: 99456 © & TM Lucasfilm Ltd. LFL approval pending. Product subject to change.
PAY NOTHING NOW
In celebration of the release of Star Wars™: The Force Awakens—we set, power-pack and speed controller—a $100 value that come FREE
THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE proudly present this first-ever train collection inspired by the films that with Issue Two! You can cancel at any time and our best-in-the-business
Please Respond Promptly continue to make movie history! Each car in this real working train 365-day money-back guarantee assures your satisfaction.
YES! Please reserve the “Star Wars™ Express Train Collection”, beginning with features dramatic movie moments and your favourite Star Wars™
Issue One, the Illuminated “Diesel Locomotive” as described in this advertisement. characters all rendered by artist Steve Anderson... plus many of these Not available in an store. Respond toda !
I understand I need pay nothing now. powerful scenes GLOW IN THE DARK! High demand is expected from millions of Star Wars™ fans, so don’t wait.
Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms ____ First Name: ____________________________ Send no money now, just mail the coupon or go online today at
An incredible train at an exceptional value. www.bradford.com.au/starwars
Surname: _______________________________________________ Begin your train collection with the illuminated “Diesel Locomotive,”
Address: _______________________________________________ yours for 2 instalments of $74.99 or $149.98, plus $14.99 postage Glows
____________________________________ Postcode: __________ and handling. Subsequent train cars will be sent at regular intervals
14-01075-001
the Dar in
separately, each available at the same low price. In addition, you can k!
Phone: ________________________________________________ look forward to receiving everything you need to run your train— the track ©2018 The Bradford Exchange Ltd. A.B.N. 13 003 159 617
Email: _________________________________________________
Signature: ______________________________________________
1. ONLINE at www.bradford.com.au/starwars Coming soon in the collection, a car celebrating
quoting promotion code: 99456 Star Wars™: The Force Awakens
2. MAIL no stamp required, to: The Bradford Exchange,
Reply Paid 86369 Parramatta NSW 2124
3. PHONE: Toll-Free 1300 725 103 8am-5pm Mon – Fri
Please allow up to 10 business days for delivery. All sales subject to product availability and reservation acceptance. Credit
criteria may apply. Our privacy policy is available online at www.bradford.com.au. You must be over 18 years old to apply.
From time to time, we may allow carefully screened companies to contact you. If you would prefer not to receive such offers,
please tick this box. ❑
ANIMAL HOUSE WIN!
$20 LETTERS $50 PICTURES

POP STAR
VIRGIN
NIPPLE
I WAS watching the classic comedy
The 40-Year-Old Virgin last night and
remembered the speed-dating chick
whose titty pops out. She’s got a
fuggin’ huge set of norks. Any chance
she’s done nude work?
Keithy, WA
The babe with the MEGA-MICHAEL
BOLT-ONS is Kimberly Page, the ex-wife
of WCW and WWE rassler Diamond Dallas THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE
Page. Here’s some nude work she did for
Playboy at the turn of the century.
GENITALS
“MY MATE woke up after a night on
the turps with this cigarette burn,”
chuckles KT from NSW, “but we
told him it was ’cos he was up all
night smoking cocks.”

Send your letters and pics to: The

Keeper, c/- Animal House, People
magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney,
NSW 2001. Or email us at people@
bauer-media.com.au (with Animal
House in the subject line).

GOOD
MORNING!
BED SPREADS

BLOKES wake up horny and they call it

MORNING WOOD. So when us ladies
wake up feeling randy, I reckon we
should call it MORNING DEW.
Laura, Qld
We like it, Laura! Nothing beats a good
morning sesh when WOOD meets DEW
– and it sounds WAY more appealing than
calling it a CLIT STIFFY.

26
 “I’M A chippy and I
got a little bit loose
using a table saw.
Enjoy your lunch!
PS. As the second
pic shows, I got Editor
better!” James Cooney
Johnny, NSW
News editor
Dan Lennard
Designers
Darren Monaghan,
Chantelle Galaz
Picture editor
Kristi Bartlett
Editorial co-ordinator
Emily Rattenbury
National sales manager
Patrick Campbell
Publisher
Andrew Stedwell
CEO
Paul Dykzeul

Published by Bauer Media, part of the

Bauer Media Group ABN 18 053 273
546, 54-58 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000.
The trademark “People”
is the property of Bauer Consumer
Media Pty Limited and is used
under licence.
© 2018 All rights reserved. Printed by
TWISTED PMP Print, 37-49 Browns Rd, Clayton,
Vic 3168. People contact details –
SISTA! phone: (02) 9288 9686. Email: people@
bauer-media.com.au. Advertising:
(02) 9282 8369. Fax: (02) 9283 7923.

ABACRKWSARDES
Reader Offer, Customer Service and
Subscription inquiries: 136116,
8am-8pm EST Mon-Fri, 8am-6pm EST Sat,
or fax (02) 9267 4363. Mail postage-free:
Reply Paid 764, People, GPO Box 5252,
Sydney, NSW 2001 (postage free within
Australia). Melbourne office: 102-108
Toorak Rd, South Yarra, Vic 3141.
Ph: (03) 9823 6333. Fax: Editorial (03)
9823 6363, Advertising (03) 9823 6300.
NZ: PO Box 6982, Wellesley St, Auckland.
Ph (03) 9927 6222. Distributed by
Network Services, 54 Park St, Sydney,
NSW 2000. Ph: (02) 9282 8777.
Contributions welcome but material
is submitted at owner’s risk. We accept
no responsibility for loss/damage
(SAE needed for return). Material in
antic, but I’ve
CALL me a rom
People is copyright, and reproduction

ght rooting chicks in whole or in part is not permitted.

always thou e,
n’t very intimat
* Recommended & maximum price only.

doggy style was eye

the lack of
probably due to
Bu t m y mate sent me
contact. ve.
I ink I’m in lo
th
this photo and Cr ee py , Vic
ne ws , Cr eeps .
bad
We’ve got some s in form ed us
en t ha
Our art departm l
hopped, so you’l
this pic is Photos T BO TT OM .
FR ON
never meet this r
ly good news…fo
Which is probab .
ISSN 1449-6690
else
her AND everyone Please see page 40 for Privacy Notice.

27
 THE CENTREFOLD
VIOLA BAILEY | 25 | LATVIA

Viola Bailey’s
triumphant
nude return!
P
ORNO stocks PLUMMETED
when we broke the TRAGIC
news of Viola Bailey’s
retirement from the adult
industry back in our January 8 issue.
Well, we’re happy to report that
although she’s no longer accepting
COCK ON CAMERA, the 25-year-old
owner of the LOVELIEST LUNGBAGS
IN LATVIA has returned to the NUDE
MODELLING caper!
 WELCOME back, Viola. We’ve
missed you. What’s taken so long?
“I finally finished my studies as a chef.
I like my other career as it’s one of my
hobbies to make nice food.”
Your sweet swingers alone could
END WORLD HUNGER. What’s your
signature dish?
“Caesar salad – I’ve tried it in many
restaurants and I prefer mine.”
What do you like to chow down at
the dinner table?
“I really like a medium-rare steak
with vegetables. Sushi’s good, too.
I don’t like cakes or chocolates, but
I drink a lot of coffee with sugar.”

‘I LIKE HAVING
SEX WITH
WOMEN, BUT
I PREFER MEN’
Changing subject, what do you look
for in a fella?
“I don’t like pretty boys. I don’t care
what they’re wearing…I don’t pay
attention to it. I try to look inside
and know him better, then I start
to like his real self.”
Are you into the ladies?
“I like being with women, but it’s
more like a game, because I won’t
stay in a relationship with a woman.
I can play with them, kiss them and
lick them, but only for a one-time
thing. I prefer men.”
We prefer CHEBS. How BIG are
yours, Viola?
“They’re E-cups. I developed them
when I was a teenager. At first,
I didn’t think about them, but when
I was 18, I started to see other
women still had small choozzies.
That was when I began to feel proud
about them.”
Hey, we’re STANDING PROUD just
looking at them!
 CENTREFOLD

Viola Bailey
JULY 9, 2018
 ‘I HAVE
E-CUP TITS
AND I’M
PROUD
OF THEM’

WIN
$1000
BY MODELLING
IN PEOPLE
See pg63 for details
 UL
BO
L-
N
Exercise the gre matter
and score

53

164

7 77

1 1

04 20 2 07

1 1 21 2 21 1 2

Got any questions? Email

[email protected]
 #14
THE BEAST JULY 9
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

13 14
A B
15 16 17 18 19 20

21

22 23 24 25

26 27 28 29 30

31 32 33

34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41
AMESS 

42

43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51

52 53

54 55 56 57 58 59 60
RAIN GAMEES  BRAIIN GAMES  BRAIIN GA

61 62 63

64 65 66

42 67 68 69 70

71 72

73 74 75 76 77

78 79 80

81 82

83 84
C
85 86 87

88 89 90 91 92
D
93 94 95 96

97 98 99 100

101 102 103

104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112

113 114 115 116

1 117 118

119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127

128

129 130 131 132 133 134 135

136 137 138 139

140 141 142 143 144

N GAMESS  BR

145 146 147

148 149

150 151 152 153 154 155 156

157 158
E F
159 160 161

ENTER TO WIN! NAME:

BRAIN

Fill in your name and address together with

a completed and correct Beast crossword ADDRESS:
grid and post to: The Beast No. 14,
c/ – People magazine, GPO Box 5507,
Sydney, NSW 2001. Entries close on
Friday, July 20 at 5pm. POSTCODE: PHONE:
 BRAIN
91. Our star’s movie 161.Our star’s action 73. Rub, press

N GAMESS  BR
WIN $250 with Harry Connick
Jr, – Floats
93. Female chook
96. Guns N’ Roses
movie with
Sylvester Stallone,
– Man
DOWN
74.
76.
77.
Many
Italian rice dish
Actress (Pic F)
who stars with our

FORTNIGHTLY!
singer, – Rose beauty in Crash,
97. Cum 1. Female pub – Newton
99. Aussie golfer (4,5) workers 78. Work (dough)
Solve the clues of this crossword and release our beauty 101.Affirmative 2. Dines at a 79. Singer with
from the clutches of The Beast. The clues set in a 102.Video game, Call restaurant (4,3) The Police
different typeface are all related to the enslaved star of Duty: Black – 3. Beyonce’s 86. Integrity
pictured in the centre of the puzzle. 104.Traffic jams surname 89. Cultural norms

RAIN GAMEES  BRAIIN GAMES  BRAIIN GA

106.Painters 4. Our beauty’s 90. Mexican
110. Eider duck feathers co-star in 64 beer brand
113.Australian actor, across, – Grant 92. English person
ACROSS 56. Flows away – Pearce 5. Carelessly (slang)
1. Our beauty’s 58. US space agency 114.Lighting gas 6. Fruit seed 94. & 95 down.
co-star (Pic A) (1,1,1,1) 115.Young girl 7. Long fish Our beauty’s
in Forces Of 60. Scarlet 116.First woman 8. Fighting for honour ex-husband (5,5)
Nature (3,7) 61. Spanish city 117.Sack, dismiss 9. Head movement 95. See 94 down
5. Our beauty’s 62. Comedy in which 118.Crap, rubbish 10. US law- 96. Make amends
movie about our beauty plays 119.Apple computer enforcement 98. Parasol
a runaway bus an FBI agent 121.Eavesdrops (7,2) agency (1,1,1) 100.US TV host, Jerry –
9. Our beauty’s paired with 124.Hating 11. Crackerjack 103.Movie in which
co-star (Pic E) a foul-mouthed 127.Footy snack comedian (4,6) our beauty plays
in Practical cop (3,4) 128.Make a mistake 12. Unnecessary a crossword
Magic (6,6) 63. Sex between 129.Our star’s co-star 17. Fund of money compiler,
13. Citrus fruit a trio of people in 62 across, 19. Casino game All About –
14. France and Italy’s 64. Romcom in which – McCarthy 20. Best 105.Make a woolly
currency our beauty plays 130.Period of darkness 23. Meaty soup jumper
15. Powerful a New York lawyer, 132.Stun 27. Burdened 106.Formicary insects
16. Granny Smith – Weeks Notice 134.Singer (Pic D) 32. Reflected sound 107.Our beauty’s
18. Pull 65. Scream Queens who stars with 35. Our beauty’s computer
21. US singer, – Rock actress, – Michele our beauty in co-star in 103 programmer
22. Capital of Norway 67. Sad, blue Ocean’s 8 down, Bradley – thriller (3,3)
24. Slobber 69. Our beauty’s 136.Commercial 36. Separate, distinct 108.Our beauty,
25. Tradie’s vehicle movie about an breaks 38. Clever – Bullock
26. Unwell NFL player, 137.Traditional red-light 39. Getaway 109.Money hole
28. In addition The – (5,4) district of London 40. Lasagne-eating 111. Stevie Wonder hit,
29. Rebel Yell singer, 71. Barman on 140.Umpire (abbrev) cartoon cat – She Lovely (3’1)
Billy – The Simpsons 141.Lure 41. Decapitation 112.Stupid, thick
30. Poem 72. Will Smith boxing 143.Mr Bean actor, device 113.Aussie tree
31. Exam movie – Atkinson 43. Huge 120.Hollywood’s state
33. Founded (abbrev.) 73. Our beauty’s 144.Stove top 45. Person between 122.Tweeters and
34. Lured into bed pageant comedy, 145.Make last, – out the ages of 13-19 woofers
37. Hawaiian greeting – Congeniality 146.Nude 46. Blast of wind 123.Famous scientist,
48. Lease

AMESS 
39. Land of the 75. Classic music- 147.Our beauty’s Albert –
pyramids filled comedy flick, movie about a 49. Biblical 125.Playground ride
40. Laughs The Blues – coma patient, boat-builder 126.Move slowly
42. Distress call (1,1,1) 78. Our beauty’s While You – 51. Cushion 127.Uppercut
43. Our beauty’s co-star (Pic B) in Sleeping 55. Home 129.Assassin
movie about an 5 across and The 148.Listening organ 57. Vulgar and rude 131.Mesmerism
undercover agent Lake House (5,6) 150.Ditty 59. Ticket ends 133.Our star’s movie
who brings down 80. Sheep 153.Step 60. Free with Ryan Gosling,
the Mafia, – Shy 81. Half of 14 156.Old Aussie sitcom, 66. Our beauty’s – Numbers (6,2)
44. Oscar-winning 82. Electric car now surrounded in thriller based on 135.Hunger for
Mark Ruffalo company controversy (3,3..!) a John Grisham success
movie 83. Main artery 157.Music prize, novel (1,4,2,4) 138.Biased (3-4)
47. Chippie 84. Famous – Award 68. Glide on snow 139.Style of bowling
50. Talk 85. Noise of disgust 158.Woodwind 70. 78 across’s 142.Gumbo vegetable
52. Long movie 87. James Bond instrument character in 149.Garden hut
or book actor who's our 159.Our beauty’s The Matrix 151.Engine lubricant
53. Movie beauty’s co-star co-star (Pic C) in 71. Our beauty’s 152.Flatulence
54. Australian actress, in Infamous (6,5) The Proposal (4,8) co-star in 66 154.Spigot
– Nicodemou 88. Craftily (2,3,3) 160.Thorny down, Matthew – 155.Charged atom

The April 16 winner is April 30 Beast See page 40 for terms and conditions and the privacy notice. Send the completed Beast to us
F. Cignarella of Granville, NSW. solution page 38 by the closing date. All correct entries will go into a draw and the first drawn will win $250.
 OZ’S
BIGGEST
MAXI X-WORD
Financially Fireproof
stable material
Period
Horror Cups Listen! Regard Rodent
Fashion
Bird call
Catalogue
Snacked
Outcomes Relief Cereal
brooch grass
Golf Thin
Agitate Fibs Sinful mounds Nuisance World fair
Scarcer
Elevate Jury
Sumo Obscured Stalks
fighter Dumpster
Charged Trans- Current
units
AMESS 

atom ferral Clarifies

1000 Oil cartel Part
Vestige Specialist Jet-bath grams exchange Enervates
(1,1,1,1) (5-2)
Encour- Male title
aging Converse Actual
Affirms
Pine or ~ de ~ Riesling
RAIN GAMEES  BRAIIN GAMES  BRAIIN GA

palm Mask Janeiro Depose Queasy ~ mode

Dislike (1,2)
Frost
Hag Decree Conceals Nearly ~ & only Giant Vex
(6,2)
Furtive 2nd planet Indicators Snow- Adroitly
glance Appear As ~ runner
Deadens usual GP
Fortune Agree- Wilde- Bacteria- Extras
cards ment beests killing Lazes Legumes
drugs Inflicted
Baby frog Belief in Japan’s Cavalry
Most perfection capital sword
restive
Medical Actor, Toupee
(5-2) ~ Neill Deputy Prong Relatives
Lifetime Opaline
Facsimile Groups of Faculty
troops heads Chances
Adjust
Femur Trans- Entices
Par area Mature Bulk gress (5,2)
Chasm
Ragged Belea- Marsh
Charter guer plants
Capri or Tapering Different
Fell Bus base Learner Bun seed Excuse Chaff Coast Wight fruit Child
Vital
Runoff Useful-
channels ness
Phoned Achiever Make In this Gulf Killer
lace way whale
Veteran Indian Core ~ Salvador
(3,4) robe
Vamoose Articulate Muscovite
Of Inheritors Fiery Candid Gateau Stern Over
hearing
Easy Duty Curved Repute Early harp
game entrance
Wheat tip Chilean
ranges Gone by Minerals Enhan-
cing Looks for Yummiest
Dulls Grain pit
Refusal (blow) Invites Shabbier
Game fowl
Brown
N GAMESS  BR

It is (2’1) Pub Refrain Similar Et cetera pigment

Fleur- Against
de-lis Dictator Squeeze Boozer What? Bisect
Caviar
Plenty Avarice Orderly Garland Recounts Augury Braved Pallid

Carolled Fewest Dessert Aromatic

sauce
Cry of Small Telepathy Alphabet Crazy Whiskey Ogled Graze
disgust ocean (1,1,1) (1,1,1) flavour crusts
Naval Leaning Action
Unnerve Yelp chief Tower word
city
BRAIN

Joy Globe Criticised Some Forfeit Sheep

Ear- Spongers Agents Adjudged
phones
 BRAIN
Horizon-
tal bar Danced

N GAMESS  BR
Remodel
Backchat Deteriorate Try out Topknot Notion Delete Goals Swiss
lake
Embroil- Ladder
ing step
Payback
Hot-air Flee ATM code
Brink machine
Melee Peel Rapt
Slithered Absent Hooter Viral skin Volcanic Brass
Rose to growth Safe
Revalues Almanac feet Dead as a ~ flow metal document
Fringed
Snips PC key Fable Flank
Fixated
Strip North

RAIN GAMEES  BRAIIN GAMES  BRAIIN GA

American Avenue
Iffy (2-2) mountains
Subjugate Correc-
Assault News Insert Closing Rascals Recess tional
outlets
Phrase Cows’ Purple
Lumpier milk sacs rock
Possess crystal
Whistle Detect
Exist Basket Chuckle ball Standard
Secure
~ Paulo Mr Claus
Detoured Roman X Riveting Boxer Probe
Started Reply
Spasm Arrives Convent
Regret Barriers More Cafe sisters
Corral liberated
Take part Zodiac
gems Compere Kill (VIP) Beers Material Audibly
Mobs
Compel Memory
Dozes Dynamo loss
Branch
Attract Gist
Pre-birth (penalty) Huge Singers Dwindle Israel’s
~ Aviv
So! Swagger
Den Suit Know-all,
Dithery smart ~
Brief view First Spoken Cap peak Non- Liked
woman clergy
Epics Shields Razed

Income Exclude Orient Bonds Senior Beach Jabber Inbred Stable Methods
surface Bucket & ~
Legal Key
action makers
Remorse Tai ~ Drizzle Octopus Puddle Those
liquid people
Cloth As well
Moreover border UFO pilot
Trick or ~ Devotions
Trade- Three- Peru Anaes-
marks Clatter Revise Carry some beast thetic
Journal
Giver

AMESS 
Strange Contract Rivals Snares
Finish
Strokes Pies Unscented Soft drink Mountain Motif Expire
Slick Firs
No pips Camera
glass Man-
Secreting
organs
Crack servant
The ~ ~
Filters Conger Inside Scrolls constrictor Couple
(4,3)
Break Shady Hoo-ha Rotter Symbols Excite Aid in
(off) tree crime
Beef cut Divert The
Take on (1-4) Scruff (train) States Get Ladle Squalls
(1,1,1)
Horse Buffet About- Pudding
breed face (1-4) starch
~ or Lavish Put Cigar dust Rabbit’s Foot digit Hatchet Insect
credit jump
Whet Exploited Let loose Stomach Aussie
animal
TURN
PAGE FOR
Word play Sighted Donkey Raids Oper-
ations Bullocks
ENTRY
Kids’
DETAILS
SEE PAGE 40 FOR
Pitchers Uncivil store From the TERMS & CONDITIONS
(3,4) heart
BRAIN
N GAMESS  BR
RAIN GAMEES  BRAIIN GAMES  BRAIIN GA
AMESS 
 #14
JULY 9 MOVIECROSS

BRAIN
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

WIN $150

N GAMESS  BR
FORTNIGHTLY! 11 12 13 14 15
The clues in bold relate to
a famous film – the 16 17
picture gives you a hint
which one. The first 18 19
correct entry drawn
after the closing date 20 21
wins the cash!

RAIN GAMEES  BRAIIN GAMES  BRAIIN GA

22 23 24 25

ACROSS 26
1. Stomach-crunching
exercise (3-2) 27 28 29
4. Breakfast food, scrambled –
7. and 11 across,
Elaine Markinson (8,6)
11. See 7 across 30 31
12. Shovel
15. Weighing device
18. Styled to look old
19. This week’s film
20. Cheating on a partner (3-6) 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
22. Topic
24. Eagle’s claw 41
27. Hardy’s comedy partner
42 43 44

45

46 47 48 49 50

51 52 53

29. Creepy-crawly 3. Give a better job to 33. Walking with difficulty 36. Homeless mag, The Big –
30. Cook-book list 5. Flatulence 34. Chadwick Boseman 37. Thespian
31. Martians 6. Hot tub action flick, Black – 38. and 51 across,
32. Flower associated 7. Snooker stick 35. Former Test cricketer, Richard Rusk (4,8)
with Holland 8. Sales ticket – Gilchrist 39. Mitch Rusk, – Copley
9. Against the law 40. Bonnie Soyinka, – Newton
10. Opposite compass 44. Denise Richard’s ex,
point to west

AMESS 
Charlie –
13. Wacko Jacko’s daughter 45. Gateaux
who plays Nelly in our film 47. Come first
14. Harold Soyinka, – Oyelowo 48. Pub
16. Cut of lamb or pork 49. Former Manly and Bulldogs
17. The Stooges singer, – Pop NRL coach, – Hasler

39. Lucifer
MOVIECROSS ENTRY COUPON
Solve the Moviecross correctly and you could win $150! Send the completed
41. Washing-up rag crossword to: Moviecross No. 14, c/– People magazine, PO Box 5536,
42. Sunny, – Seyfried Sydney, NSW 2001.
43. Collect
46. On fire
47. Strange, odd NAME:
50. Cricketing insult
51. See 38 down ADDRESS:
52. 38 down’s brother, 21. Scully on The X-Files, Gillian –
who directs our movie 22. Put up with
53. Expanse of salt water 23. James Bond’s favourite
POSTCODE: PHONE:
cocktail
DOWN 25. Uncle Sam
Moviecross entries close July 20. Answers to be printed September 17. Winner to
1. Indian guitar 26. Mamma Mia band
2. Movie house 28. Long onion-like vegie be printed October 1. See page 40 for T&Cs and the privacy notice.
 PUZZLES
PRIVACY NOTICE how you can access or correct your personal provide personal information to enter or to take be disclosed by us to other organisations for READER SUBMISSIONS
This issue of People is published by Bauer Media information and lodge a complaint. Bauer may part. Personal information collected for Reader use by them to inform you about other products, By sending us a photograph or letter, you grant to
Pty Ltd (Bauer). Bauer may use and disclose your disclose your personal information offshore Offers may be disclosed by us to service providers services or events or to give to other organisations us the perpetual, worldwide right to publish and
information in accordance with our Privacy Policy, to its owners, joint venture partners, service assisting Bauer in the conduct of the Reader that may use this information for this purpose. otherwise use that photograph or letter in all
including to provide you with your requested providers and agents located throughout the Offer and to other organisations providing special If you require further information, please media and warrant to us that doing so will not
products or services and to keep you informed world, including in NZ, USA, the Philippines and prizes or offers that are part of the Reader Offer. contact Bauer’s Privacy Officer either by email at infringe the rights of any person. You agree that
of other Bauer publications, products, services the European Union. In addition, this issue may An opt-out choice is provided with a Reader Offer. [email protected] or mail at
and events. Our Privacy Policy is located at www. contain Reader Offers, being offers, competitions Unless you exercise that opt-out choice, personal Privacy Officer Bauer Media Pty Ltd, 54-58 Park
we may edit the photograph or letter in our
bauer-media.com.au/privacy/. It also sets out or surveys. Reader Offers may require you to information collected for Reader Offers may also Street, Sydney NSW 2000. absolute discretion.

SUDOKU TERMS & CONDITIONS

5 MAXI: Conditions apply, see www.bauer-media.com.au/terms/competition-terms. Begins
on June 25. Ends with last mail received on August 3. Entry is open to Australian residents
AMESS 

aged 15 years and over. Entrants under 18 must have prior consent of parent or legal
7 9 6 guardian to enter. Multiple entries permitted, subject to each entry being posted separately.
Drawn at Bauer Media, 54 Park St, Sydney NSW 2000 11:00am AEST/AEDST on August 31.
Prizes: 1x$750 cash.The Promoter is Bauer Media Pty Limited (ABN 18 053 273 546) of 54
9 6 7 8 Park Street, Sydney, NSW 2000.Authorised under permit number: NSW: LTPM-17-02608.
The Promoter collects personal information through this coupon to conduct the Promotion
RAIN GAMEES  BRAIIN GAMES  BRAIIN GA

and for other purposes.The Promoter’s privacy policy for Australia, is available at
8 9 3 www.bauer-media.com.au/privacy, and contains information on how you can access
or correct your personal information, entities we may disclose your personal information

4 7 6 8 1 to (including overseas recipients) and how you can lodge a complaint. Entry in the
Promotion is conditional on providing such personal information.
MOVIE, BEAST, SWIRL-A-SLEB: Conditions apply, see www.bauer-media.com.au/terms/
6 1 2 competition-terms. Begins on June 25. Ends with last mail received on July 20. Entry is
open to Australian residents aged 15 years and over. Entrants under 18 must have prior
consent of parent or legal guardian to enter. Multiple entries permitted, subject to each
3 8 entry being posted separately. Drawn at Bauer Media, 54 Park St, Sydney NSW 2000
11:00am AEST/AEDST on August 3. Prizes: 1x$250 cash, 1x$150 cash and 1x$100 cash.
The Promoter is Bauer Media Pty Limited (ABN 18 053 273 546) of 54 Park Street,
1 2 5 Sydney, NSW 2000.Authorised under permit number: NSW: LTPM-17-02608.
The Promoter collects personal information through this coupon to conduct the Promotion

4 8 9 7 2 3 and for other purposes.The Promoter’s privacy policy for Australia, is available at
www.bauer-media.com.au/privacy, and contains information on how you can access or
correct your personal information, entities we may disclose your personal information to
FILL the grid so that every column, every row and every 3x3 box (including overseas recipients) and how you can lodge a complaint. Entry in the Promotion
contains the digits 1 to 9. is conditional on providing such personal information.

SWIRL-A-SLEB WIN $100

1 2 FORTNIGHTLY!
SOMEONE has taken these celebrities and messed with
their heads. Can you unswirl their faces and identify them?
First correct entry drawn after the closing date wins $100!

1
2
N GAMESS  BR

3
Controversial 2Day FM breakfast host. Played a daughter on now-axed Roseanne.
4
3 4 Clip out this coupon – OR PHOTOCOPY THIS PAGE – and send to:
Swirl-A-Sleb No. 14, c/– People, PO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001.
NAME:
ADDRESS:

POSTCODE: PHONE:
BRAIN

Swirl-A-Sleb entries close July 20 Answers to be printed Sept. 17.

Winner to be printed October 1. See page 40 for terms and
Oz tennis star doesn’t like talking to media. British brain hosts ABC’s Stargazing Live. conditions and the privacy notice.
6
AL CAPONE
$ DID
The 1920s Chicago crime
boss evaded the cops for
everything…till he was locked
up in 1931 for tax evasion.

YOU
KNOW Live to 100 and you don’t have to pay
any taxes in New Mexico!

+ BILLION
Will be collected
by the Aussie
government in
ALCOHOL TAXES
this year. And more
? Get
smarter
and shit
than $10 billion will
be collected off This week:
TOBACCO. TAX

OZ VS

A E x than
the Yanks. We pay 24 4% onn
average of our tottal
income, while they
pay 26.4%.

JANINE LINDEMULDER
The porn queen went to jail for SIX MONTHS
in 2009 for failing to pay nearly $300,000
in federal income tax.

BAHAMAS
THE
BELGIUM
For an annual fee of $1300, you can
become a temporary resident and pay Has the HIGHES ST average income
ZERO INCOME TAX. tax rate in the
e world at 40%.
FUNNY SHIT WIN!
$20 LETTERS $50 PICTURES

Dog days
JOKES Q. WHAT has four legs and It’s good news
Bust a nut
an arm?
A. A very happy pit bull.
for some
A NURSE at the nuthouse walked into Kenny’s Beth, Vic “I’VE got some good news and some
room and found him sitting on a chair, jiggling BEST bad news,” said the doctor to his
an imaginary steering wheel and pulling on JOKE patient. “The bad news is that you
the cord of an imaginary air horn. The $10,000 have cancer and you’ll be dead within
“Kenny, what are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m driving my truck to Melbourne,” Kenny
question a month.”
“Fucking hell!” replied the patient.
A BLOKE woke up in the hospital one day,
replied with an insane grin. bandaged from head to toe, and saw a “What’s the good news then?”
The nurse told him to carry on and walked doctor standing over him. “You know my new receptionist, the
over to Stevo’s room across the hall, only to “You were in a horrible car accident,” the blonde with the big tits, hot arse and
find him humping his pillow. GP said. “You’re going to be OK, but there’s cock-sucking lips?” asked the doctor.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” one small problem. Your dick was damaged “Yeah, sure,” said the patient.
she barked. beyond repair.” The GP grinned and leered, “Well, I’m
“Shhhhhh,” replied Stevo. “I’m shagging “Oh no!” cried the bloke. fucking her!”
Kenny’s wife while he’s away in Melbourne.” “It’s OK,” the doc reassured him. “You’re DeeDee, NSW
Frank, Qld eligible for $10,000 in compensation. With
that amount of money we can build you a Send your gags to Funny Shit, c/- People,
Working hard bionic cock any size and shape you want. So GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001, or email
MARY’S television had stopped working so have a chat to your wife about how big you it to [email protected] (include
she asked her husband Ralph to fix it. want it and I’ll come back tomorrow.” Funny Shit in the subject line).
“Hell, no!” he replied angrily. “Do I look The next day, the doc returned and asked,
like a fucking TV repairman?” “Have you spoken to your wife?” There was no response so the bloke tried
A little later the dunny also broke and “Sure have,” he said glumly. again: “Oi! Wanna come to the boozer?”
she asked him to fix it. “Have you two decided what you want?” There was still no response, so the bloke
“Piss off!” he responded. “Do I look like “Well,” came the sad reply, “apparently, yelled, “I’m going right now, do you wanna
a fucking plumber?” we’re getting a new kitchen.” come or not, ya cunt?”
The next day, Ralph returned home to find SC, Qld “For fuck’s sake, mate!” the centipede
the TV and dunny back in working order and yelled back. “I heard ya the first time. I’m
his wife sporting a satisfied smile.
“You finally got off your arse and organised
Leggin’ it just putting my shoes on.”
Iggy, NSW
A BLOKE was feeling a bit lonely so he went
some repairs?” he asked. to a pet shop to buy something to keep him
“No, I was chatting to our neighbour Fred,
and he said he’d fix everything if I either
company. The owner suggested he buy a Hide and seek
talking centipede and the bloke agreed to Q. HOW come you never see
baked him pie or had sex with him.” give it a go.
“You baked him a pie?” asked Ralph. Later that day he was heading to the pub,
elephants hiding in trees?
“Hell, no!” answered Mary. “Do I look like so he opened the centipede’s box and said, A. Because they’re really
a fucking pastry chef?” “I’m going to the local for a drink – do ya fucking good at it.
HL, NSW want to come?” RN, Qld

THE GAG REEL The best one-liners from professional jokers

BILLY CONNOLLY KEN DODDD PETER KAY

“If Jesus was “Do I believ
a Jew, how in safe sex??
Of course
‘IF QUIZ ES
come he
has a I do. ARE
Mexican
first
I have a
handrail QUIZZIC L,
name?” around
the bed.”
WHAT A
TEST ’
44
Tastes like piss
A MEXICAN was walking along the street
when he stumbled over an old bottle and
CAUGHT IN THE NET FOR MORE FUNNY PICS, GO TO
FACEBOOK.COM/AUSSIEPEOPLE
a genie appeared. The genie said, “OK, you
know the drill. What do you want for your
one wish?”
“Well, I really like tequila and I’d love to
have a never-ending supply. Can you fix it
that I piss tequila?”
The genie nodded and disappeared in
a cloud of smoke.
The Mexican rushed home and pissed
in a glass. He peered at it and it looked like
tequila. He sniffed it and it smelled like
tequila. He finally took a swig and it was
the best tequila he’d ever tasted.
He called out to his wife, urinated into a
glass and told her to drink it. She reluctantly
Burial and cremation aren’t your only options...
took a sip, then started gulping it down and
the two of them partied all night on the
tequila this bloke kept pissing out. The
couple partied the next night, too.
However, the following evening the bloke
set out only one glass on their kitchen table
when he got home.
“Why only one glass tonight, darling?” his
wife asked.
“Because,” he laughed, “tonight you drink
from the bottle!”
Cambo, WA

Sting in the tail

A COUPLE were sunning themselves on
a nude beach when a wasp flew into the
woman’s vagina.
Her horrified husband covered her up
with a towel and rushed the panicked
woman to the nearest hospital.
After doing an examination, the doc said,
“I’m afraid it’s gone in too far to be removed It’s called fashion... look it up.
with forceps. Perhaps your husband can put
some honey on the tip of his dick and insert
it, then tempt the wasp outside with it.”
The couple agree to the unorthodox plan Why pay for removalists?
but, with all the pressure, the husband was
unable to bar up.
“No problem,” said the doc. “If you don’t
mind, I’m happy to put the honey on my
penis and do it.”
The husband was a bit unsure about this,
but his wife was freaking out about having
a wasp in her twat, so they agreed.
The doctor quickly barred up and stuck
his honey-covered boner into her. He took
a couple of long slow strokes, then began
pumping away like there was no tomorrow.
“Hey,” said the husband, “what the hell’s
going on here?”
“Change of plans,” the doc panted. “I’ve
decided to drown the little bastard.” Priorities – he’s got them right. Find us next to the Butt Plug Store!
Kev, Qld
45
 MAMMARY LANE
JAIME & KOBE | AUSTRALIA! | CENTREFOLD, APRIL 9, 2007

BLISS These gals supported marriage

equality…and so did our knobs!
 FEMME FACTS
FROM the look of things,

‘THE FIRST TIME Jaime and Kobe were

being psychic and

WE MET, WE ROOTING for marriage

equality a decade before
it became legal here.

COMPARED BOOBS’ Laughed Kobe at the

time, “Jaime found the
veil, so she became the
– KOBE bride.” Her mate added,
“We were pretty comfy
’cos we always hang out
and we’ve seen each
other’s bits’n’pieces.”

47
 MAMMARY LANE
JAIME & KOBE | AUSTRALIA! | CENTREFOLD, APRIL 9, 2007

‘I’D MARRY LEONARDO

DiCAPRIO…HE HAS
A BOYISH CHARM’
– JAIME

48
 IMPORTANT!
Send entries to: Win!, c/- People

GIZ! Reviews and giveaways on things YOU need! magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney,
NSW 2001. Entries close 5pm,
Friday, July 27.

WIN!

THE avenging
types at Eagle
have provided
FIVE DVDs for this
contest. To enter,
Eagle Entertainment, rated MA, out now, just tell us IN ONE
RRP: $29.95 (DVD) SENTENCE the
What’s the guts? After university student Noelle last time you
got revenge on
is raped by a classmate, she returns to confront
someone. The five
her attacker, but accidentally kills the bastard in
most righteous
the process. The budding artist tries to return to
answers will win
a normal life, but when she learns she’s just one
a prize. Mark your
of many sexual assault survivors on her campus,
entries “Revenge
Noelle decides to become a vigilante and get
Artist comp”.
revenge on every one of the scumbags.
Anything else? Francesca Eastwood is
compelling as the damaged-yet-dangerous
Noelle in Revenge Artist, a fillum that was
described by one critic as “dark, devastating
and yet empowering”.
Final word: Someone’s gonna pay…in blood.

King Of Ashes Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid &

Last Remake Of Beau Geste
By Raymond E. Feist defeat the Sandurans and
HarperVoyager, out now, their even nastier allies, the
RRP: $39.99 fanatical Church Of The One? Shock, both rated M, out now, films. It’s clever, funny stuff and Martin
What’s the guts? Blacksmith’s You’ll have to read the book RRP: $9.99 (DVD)/$14.99 (Blu-ray) was at the top of his game at this time.
apprentice Declan to find out! What’s the guts? Shock is gonna tickle your Anything else? Last Remake Of Beau
lives in the Covenant, Anything else? This funny bones with the release of two classic Geste (1977) is a spoof of the 1924 novel
neutral land stuck is the first in the comedies, kicking off with Dead (and 1939 film) about brothers finding
between two warring sweeping Firemane Men Don’t Wear Plaid adventure and romance in the
kingdoms. But peace Trilogy, written by one (1982), starring Steve French Foreign Legion. Beau
in the Covenant is of the best-selling Martin. When a famous Geste (Michael York) heads to
shattered when masters of fantasy, cheese maker dies in a the desert along with goggle-
Sanduran slavers Raymond E. Feist. If freak car crash, his daughter eyed Feldman, who plays his
arrive to kidnap all this new epic series (Rachel Ward) is convinced he “identical” twin brother Digby.
the young men and is half as good as was murdered, so she hires Feldman co-wrote, starred and
make them soldiers in their his Riftwar and Serpentwar wacky private dick Roy Reardon directed the flick which, as the
evil army. Can Declan escape sagas, then it’s gonna be (Martin) to solve the case. During title suggested, aimed to destroy
and ally himself with the good very bloody good indeed! the film the detective comes face to face the romance-adventure genre by
guys of Mawrquensas to Final word: All hail the King! with Hollywood legends Humphrey Bogart, jamming as many crude and tasteless jokes
Alan Ladd and Burt Lancaster, via carefully into its 85-minute running time as possible.
WE’RE giving away THREE copies, thanks to our mates at spliced footage from various crime noir Final word: You’ll bust a gut.
HarperVoyager. To get yours, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE
WIN! what you’d do if you were king for a day. The three most
outrageous answers will get a book. Mark your entries “King WIN!
THE funny folk at Shock have sent us FIVE DVD packs for this comp. To enter, just tell us
IN ONE SENTENCE the funniest gag you know. The five most hilarious answers will receive
Of Ashes comp”. a pack. Mark your entries “Shock Comedy Pack comp”.
 MODEL
CITIZENS
Where local girls do
their nude duty!

| SABRINA | Canada Bay

GISELLE | Mile End

KETTLE | Sydney KYLIE | Rochedale
MODEL CITIZENS

DIRTY 30s
‘MY SEXUAL
FANTASY
VANESSA | 33 IS TO BE
Stanmore | NSW GANG-BANGED’

Tell us your ultimate sexual fantasy.

“Being gang-banged while blindfolded
and not knowing who’s fucking me.”
What’s the biggest number of guys
you’ve had at the one time?
“Four, but generally I like to have two
guys at once. Sometimes, even three
who make me airtight – every hole filled.
I feel powerful.”
How do you not get tangled up with all
those limbs and cocks flailing about?
“Because I’m flexible.”
Have you filmed yourself doing it?
PICS BY PHIL INGRAM

“Yeah, there’s an amateur clip on

Pornhub, but I can’t give you the URL.”
Damn. What was it like being filmed?
“I felt powerful – and I was never looking
at the camera.”
52
 ‘TO FEEL A
GIRL’S TITS
WOULD BE
A TURN-ON’

PICS BY IDARE PHOTOGRAPHY

PICS BY LESLIE DWIGHT

LALA | 25 SABRINA | 28
Banksia Grove | WA Canada Bay | NSW

What’s your ideal night out? What a great arse. Do you like
“Dark rooms filled with techno music.” getting it slapped?
What’s the raunchiest thing you’ve “Love it. The sting sends tingles
done inside a club? down my spine. I’m a submissive,
“I used to hang out in strip clubs when so giving that control to someone
I was younger, so sitting in a room else turns me on.”
full of girls doing private dances is How do you enjoy being dominated?
the raunchiest thing. Nothing like the “Being told what to do; pulling my
frustration of not being able to join in.” hair to where my partner wants me.”
You’ve never tempted to strip and Do you like a guy cumming on you?
get on stage? “Yes – all over my tits, then I like
“Always, but only when they’re him to watch me struggle licking it
completely naked; the sparkles up. The face is good, too.”
mesmerise me.” Ever made another girl climax?
Are you sexually adventurous? “No, but I want to. To feel another
“Yes, but no. I don’t like putting girl’s boobies, to lick her out and
things in my mouth, but I’m pretty taste her on my lips would be such
adventurous with everything else.” a turn-on.”
53
MODEL CITIZENS

KETTLE | 28
Sydney | NSW ‘POSING NUDE
When did you last flash your boobs in
IS QUITE
public, buddy? FREEING AND
“When I was being photographed on a EMPOWERING’
beach last year. Posing nude is always
quite freeing and empowering. I had a
group of girls who were topless tanning
up on higher rocks and shouting down
encouragement, which was fun.”
Could you not convince them to come
down and lez up on camera with you?
“Haha, no. I was already posing with
another girl.”
We’re not great with maths, but we’re
pretty sure three nude chicks are
better than two.
“With nude shoots I find two is
great. Any more and you can feel the
awkwardness. But with two you can
really relax and let the chemistry hit.”
What do you fantasise about?
“I’m normally pretty occupied with a
partner. You kinda just go with the flow
and whatever they’re into, you go with.”

BOOBS
WE LOVE

54
 GISELLE | 20
‘WE HAD A Mile End | SA
THREESOME IN
THE BATH...WE When did you last root in a bath?
“Maybe a few weeks ago. We all enjoyed
WERE DRUNK’ the cramped space, because we got to be
intimate and touch each other even closer.”
Erm…does that mean there were more
than two people in the bath?
“Yeah, it was a threesome, haha. We’d got
pretty drunk, so me and the girl started
dancing together in a really intimate and
hot way.”
What happened next?
“The guy ended up joining in and one thing
led to another. We decided to take a bath
and things got pretty steamy thereafter.
I got the most attention, which was nice.”
How did they shower this sexy attention
on you, Giselle?
“They focused on pleasuring me heaps
with lots of kisses on the mouth and other
places. It was my first time getting licked
by a girl, which was exciting.”
We hope you returned the favour.
“Ca A at point we were all
to g e
vour next time.”

CLEAN
FREAK!
MODEL CITIZENS
KYLIE | 22
Rochedale | QLD

Tell us the advantages of having

a nice bum.
“It always fills out my jeans nicely
and it’s great for long car rides.
It’s one of the main things people
compliment. I can always count on
my booty to make me feel more
confident.”
What do you like done to it in bed?
“A bit of rough play is always fun.”
What gets you off about anal sex?
“It just feels great! I do have to be
in the right mood, though. If I’m not
feeling it, then it’s a no-go zone.
But if I am, then anal feels amazing.
It also feels really good for the guy;
making them feel good makes me
feel even better.”
When did you last moon someone?
“Ha! Yesterday afternoon – I wasn’t
wearing any undies under my dress,
so I flashed my butt to my best
friend when he walked through the
front door.” ARSE WITH
CLASS

56
 ‘A BIT OF
ROUGH PLAY
IN SEX IS
ALWAYS FUN’
MODEL CITIZENS READER
REQUEST

58
MOMO
JAPAN

“MOMO! Give me Momo!” cried

Patrick of WA. Alright, already!
We get the message. Here is the
lovely MOMO, a long-time fave
of the magazine. This particular
appearance comes from our
October 22, 2012 issue. When we
called her, she revealed, “I’ve just
taken off all my clothes and about
to have a hot shower, if you’d like
to join me?” Now, THAT was a
tempting offer.
MODEL CITIZENS RETRO
CITS!

LARA
Sydney, NSW
Sept. 29, 2014
THIS babe had a
funny story: “I went
shopping and got a
lot more attention
than usual. It wasn’t
till later I realised my
T-shirt was see-thru,
so my boobs were
totally on display!”

MIA
Avoca, NSW
August 31, 2015
CINDY
MIA preferred visual Noosa, QLD
stimulation when August 31, 2015
it came to erotica:
“Films turn me on BEING a bartender
A LOT more than meant Cindy got
novels. I like seeing chatted up: “There’s
the action.” Last a proposal EVERY
crazy thing she did? night.” But she was
“I prepared dinner already taken: “I
for my man while work at a strip club
wearing my favourite and I’m dating one
sexy outfit.” of the strippers.”

60
RUBY
rankston VI
September 29, 2014
RUBY was on a road
trip: “I packed three sex
toys. I chucked them in
my bag and hopped
into the car.” When was
her last shag? “A month
ago…when I broke up
with my boyfriend. We
had ‘farewell sex’.”

ROZ
Miami, QLD
August 31, 2015
THIS Cit was into
more mature
blokes: “I do have a
tendency towards
older men. You can’t
beat experience.”
But younger guys
were fine, too, as
long as they were
“fit, healthy and
well-endowed”.

RHIANNA
Melbourne, VIC
September 29, 2014
“I’M AN adventurous,
confident and outgoing
girl who’ll try anything
once,” said Rhi. She’d
recently “slipped a vibe
up my bum while having
sex. It was REALLY good.”
MODEL CITIZENS

CITIZEN OF
THE WEEK

KENSY | 22
Padstow | NSW

IF YOU could choose a car to fuck in, which one

would it be?
“I’m not fussed, as long as there’s plenty of room
in the back seat. I’ve had a few bad experiences
in tiny cars.”
Give us your worst example.
“I once hooked up with a guy and we did it in the
back of his Ford Laser. That was bad enough, but
there was also a baby capsule in the back, so
yeah… cramped AND a mood-killer.”
Fark. What’s your fave sex toy at present?
“I don’t use them much, but the last one I played
with was a gift from my boyfriend to celebrate
Australia Day. It’s a vibe with the Aussie flag
printed on it. So I could have an orgasm and be
patriotic at the same time.”

62
 ‘I USED A BECOME A
VIBE WITH AN
AUSSIE FLAG
MODEL CIT
ON IT’ JUST LIKE
KENSY
Hey, ladies! Pose topless and you’ll score
a cool $100. Get completely starkers
and receive $150! Citizen Of The Week
receives $400!
Our favourite Model Citizens have the
chance to pose again as a Harem or
Centrefold model and score up to $1000!

OFFICIAL MODEL CITIZENS

ENTRY COUPON
SEND this coupon to: Model Citizens, c/-
People, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001.
Once we receive it, we’ll put you in touch with
one of our ace photographers, who’ll take
lovely pics for use in our mag!
■ Yes, I want to be a Model Citizen (please
tick). I hereby give People the right to use
my photos on the internet, and on MMS,
SMS or DVD.
■ I am over 18 years of age and attach a
photocopy of photo ID (eg. driver’s licence).

NAME:

ADDRESS:

PHONE (Home):

PHONE (Work):

SIGNATURE:

By signing this agreement, I signify I have

read, understand and agree to be bound by
the important terms and conditions below.
Important terms and conditions:
1. I acknowledge and agree that the publisher of People magazine, Bauer Media
(Bauer), its licensees or assigns may publish or authorise the publication of the
pictures of me in any layout or format, in whole or in part, without restriction as to
changes or alterations made from time to time and accompanied by any text and/
or graphics it chooses without further reference to me.
2. I hereby assign to Bauer Media the worldwide copyright to the photographs and
acknowledge that Bauer Media may exercise all of the rights of the copyright owner in
respect of the photographs, including using or licensing the publication of the photos in
other publications and using or licensing the publication of the photographs in any
format including (but not limited to) DVD, MMS, CD-ROM or the internet.
3. I release Bauer Media, its employees, agents, related companies and assigns from
all actions, suits, causes of actions, claims and demands whatsoever which I may
have at any time in connection with the photographs or arising from or relating to
their publication in print or electronic media, including and liability by virtue of any
blurring, distortion, alteration, context or otherwise, including (but not limited to) any
action for defamation.
4. I acknowledge that persons sending Model Citizens photos without the written
permission of the subject will be liable to criminal prosecution.

63
SUE | 19 | MINSK, BELARUS

The carpe
oesn’t matc
the curtains and
we don’t care
M
EET Sue, a gal who gives
g
NO FUCKS about ble eaching
her pubes to match her
long blonde locks. And
A why
should the Belarus beauty care when
w
she’s copping PLENTY OF FUCKS S from
ussed
random pick-ups. If they’re not fu
about Sue’s mismatched hair colour,
then neither are we!

HEY, Sue. We couldn’t help notic cing

that you’re not a natural blonde..
“Haha. What was the giveaway, ggood
sir: my eyebrows or my pussy hair?”
Both, actually. Why go for that look?
“Partly because I DON’T GIVE A S SHIT
ark
– I like having blonde hair AND da
pubes and eyebrows. Also, I wasn’t
keen to have chemicals anywhere near
my eyes and VAGINA.”

$
6
 THE HAREM
SUE | 19 | MINSK, BELARUS

Do you get people commenting on

your striking look?
“No. Most people are too polite to
mention it.”
Oh…righto.
“Besides, if I’m in bed with a guy and
we’ve reached the point where he’s
looking at my NAKED CUNT, then
we’re both beyond the point of caring
about hair colour, don’t you think?”
Fair call, Sue. Do you cop plenty of
the VEINY BEEFSTICK?
S
“If you mean do I have lots of one-
night stands, then YES. I enjoy the
thrill of meeting someone in a club
or bar who I’m physically attracted to,
talking to them for hours over drinks,
then making that final decision to go
home with them for SEX.”
You’re not interested in anything
long-term, mate?
“No, I love them and leave them. I’m
too young to worry about silly things
like boyfriends. I just want KNOBS to
satisfy my desires.”

$
$ $
$$$
$$$ $$ $$$
HOBART nights can be cold this
time of year, but I’ve got a
special someone who keeps
me warm in bed – and she’s
a TOP ROOT, too!
I’m a 55-year-old divorcee
and got fleeced for everything
I had by my BITCH of an
ex-wife. In desperation, I turned
to an old friend and
asked if I could rent
her granny flat till
I was back on
my feet.
Miriam’s my
age – she
shares the
main house
with her 19-year-
old uni student
daughter, Stef.
As I settled into the
new place, I found
myself being drawn
more and more to
Miriam, who’s a VERY
FOXY lady for her age,
and I was sure the
feeling was mutual.
Recently, I went
to bed in the
granny flat and
was half-asleep
when I heard the
door quietly open,
then close again.
Next thing I knew,
someone slid under
the doona and snuggled
into my back while a
female hand grasped my
rapidly swelling KNOB.
Soft lips peppered my neck
and upper back with kisses
while the hand steadily JERKED
ME OFF till I blew my BEEF
STEW with a shudder.
I rolled onto my back to give

TWAT WATER BOTTLE

Miriam a thankyou kiss and
gasped with surprise when
I watched her dark brown hair
sway in time with her massive,
Stef and I fucked for HOURS
and she now spends every night
I saw it was Stef! She laughed
and climbed on top, rubbing
‘STEF HAD A PENDULOUS BOOBS, I was
suddenly very bloody interested
in my BED.
I don’t know what her mum’s
her WET CUNT on my dick, THING FOR OLD indeed! Hypnotised, even. gonna make of it when she
which was rapidly reinflating
to its FULL SEVEN INCHES.
I’d never really shown much
GUYS’ COCKS’ “I’ve got a thing for old guys,”
she shrugged, then moaned
quietly as I penetrated her
eventually finds out about our
relationship, but we’ll cross that
bridge when we come to it.
interest in Stef before, but as STEAMY CREVICE. Steve, Tas

68
 SEND IN A YARN AND
SCORE $50!
Post it to: True Blue Confessions
c/– People magazine, GPO Box 4088,
Sydney, NSW 2001.
Or email your filthy story to
[email protected]!

STICK IT TO I’VE been nailing my wife’s

OLDER SISTER Terri for three
months. I should feel bad ‘TERRI LICKED
THE BOSS
JULIE was a 45-year-old
about it…but I don’t. It began
’cos the missus was pregnant
and had GONE OFF SEX.
Despite pulling the pud in the
AND JERKED
MY STIFFENING
brunette battleaxe with BIG
HOOTERS…and a bigger
shower every day, I was always
HORNY and irritable. I was at
TOOL’
appetite for SEX. She made the pub one evening when Terri
it really obvious to me when joined me for a drink.
I applied for the job that she Seeing my gloomy look she started making out. My knob
had the hots for me, and asked what was wrong, so I my stiffening tool till it was
was fit to burst and she knew
I didn’t knock her back ’cos told the petite blonde stunna ROCK-HARD again.
that, so she RELEASED THE
I needed the money. and her answer totally caught Next, she got nekkid and
BEAST from my jeans, then
The next day, Julie sucked me by surprise. rode me to another orgasm.
started tugging on it.
me off in the DISABLED “Let me help,” she smiled. It felt amazing when she
“Stop,” I begged her, “or I’ll
TOILET at work during my “I hate to see my brother-in-law climaxed seconds later while
shoot my load too soon.”
lunch break. That became suffering from BLUE BALLS.” I was still INSIDE her.
She smiled and cooed, “Well,
a daily occurrence. She gave my aching nads Terri and I now meet for a
if that happens, we’ll just have
Within a week, I was a PLAYFUL SQUEEZE, then HOT ROOT SESH a few times
to do it a second time, eh?”
regularly “working back late”, licked her lips as my jaw a week.
Sure enough, I blew seconds
which usually ended with her RICOCHETED off the floor. I know I’m a cunt, but I just
later, but Terri was true to her
BENT OVER THE DESK in We went to Terri’s flat and don’t care.
word. She spent several
her office and copping my tumbled into her bed and Godbolt, Vic
minutes licking and jerking on
SCHLONG from behind.
She’d shriek and holler, then
stop me before I blew inside
her, so she could scoot down
and GOBBLE UP MY JIZ-WHIZ
as I spoofed.
DAT WHITE LINE FEVER
SOME weekends, when I’m Al Pacino in Scarface, flashing
‘SHE COPPED really FUCKED UP, I go online
and pretend I’m a retired porn
a bottle of Patrón and the coke.
“Derek is high and HORNY!” ‘I LICKED OFF
MY SCHLONG stud called “Derek”. I’ve She looked at me oddly, then
THE VODKA
ON HER DESK’ SCORED with a few chicks
thanks to my bullshit patter.
Recently, I got chatting to
laughed and invited me in.
“Derek has fucked many, many
women. Derek LOVES to fuck.
BETWEEN HER
The sex was great – Julie
Belinda, who seemed more
interested in the drugs I was
Derek wants to drink and party
with you, then FUCK.”
BOOBS’
even let me fuck her up the offering rather than my Belinda giggled and said,
SHITTER – but after seven X-RATED COCK. Anyway, she “You’re weird, but I like weird.” clothed, and poured vodka
months things turned CRAZY. invited me over to her flat. We did a few lines, then she BETWEEN HER BOOBS, then
I went to her office after I was in FULL DEREK MODE stripped and invited me into the licked it off.
work one arvo and Julie when I arrived, sporting spa with her. I jumped in, fully “Derek will fuck you like he
greeted me naked wearing slicked-back hair, a fake d in his MANY PORNOS!”
did
a STRAP-ON DILDO. moustache, an open-necked And I did. Thankfully, I was
“I thought it’d be fun if we Hawaiian shirt and gold soo MESSED UP that I pumped
tried something different chains. I looked RIDICULOU US. aww for ages and made her
way
today, darling,” she cooed. Belinda greeted me at cuum TWICE.
“Er…fuck no!” I stammered, the door. The 30+ babe “Derek is fucking king!”
then bolted down the corridor. was wearing a bikini and I roared as I blew my wad
I shrieked, “I QUIT!” I didn’t her HUGE WHOPPERS deep inside Belinda.
need the money THAT bad. had me mesmerised. Jesus! Maybe I could’ve
Zed, ACT “Hello!” I bellowed in been a real porn star, eh?
a bad Latino accent, like SB, Qld

69
 THE BACK DOOR
CANDY | 26 | THE HAREM, JUNE 11

IS BETTER
WHAT do you think of butt-fucking, Candy?
“It’s a lot of fun when you’re with the right guy who knows what he’s
doing…like my BOYFRIEND.”
What’s his secret to giving your bum a good seeing to?
“He tongues my STARFISH till it’s nice and relaxed, then he coats
dickk with
his di ith BUTTER bbefore
f penetrating
t ti me.””
Buttter? Really? Is it any good?
“Tha at’s what he reckons – I think the truth is he was influenced
a feww years ago after watching the DVD of Last Tango In Paris and
seeing Marlon Brando use it on
Maria Schneider. I’m not overly
fussed, but it makes my
boyfriend happy to use it –
and when both people are
totally happy, then sex is
EVEN N BETTER.”
Hone estly, we prefer
using g butter on our
crummpets.

SEX IS EVEN BETTER’

NEXT ISSUE ON SALE JULY 9

 INTRODUCING

G R I P

CLASSIC FLESHLIGHT
QUALITY AT A LOWER PRICE

CONTROL TIGHTNESS
AND INTENSITY
ULTRA DISCREET
AND COMPACT

ONE SIZE
FITS ALL

LEARN MORE AT FLESHLIGHT.COM

THE #1 SELLING MALE SEX TOY IN THE WORLD!

©2018 Interactive Life Forms, LLC. All rights reserved. Fleshlight, the stylized G logo and all associated logos and designs are trademarks or registered trademarks of Steve Shubin,
used under license. All other trademarks or registered trademarks are property of their respective owners.