LESSON 9: LOVE, INTIMACY, AND RELATIONSHIP

Lesson Objectives:

When you finish reading this chapter, you should be able to:

1. define terms such as "love," "attraction," "intimacy," "relationship," and other related terms;
2. discuss different theories of love;
3. identify needs, issues, and concerns experienced by people who are in a romantic relationship; and
4. reflect upon one's attitudes towards love, intimacy, and relationship.

Definition of Terms:

 Love - a complex phenomenon characterized by an affective and cognitive inclination to someone and a set
of social behaviors geared towards cohesion.
 Intimacy - the psychosocial component of love; knowing and being known by someone in a deeply personal
level, emotional closeness and connection.
 Passion - the emotive and physical component of love; drive towards sexual and romantic attraction.
 Commitment - decision to engage and maintain a loving relationship.
 Relationship - social bond between and among individuals manifested through communication and other
forms of interaction. This bond may be biological or determined by social contracts such as social consensus
or laws.

INTRODUCTION

In February 15, 2015, an article featuring a study by McCann World Group, among 30,000 respondents from
29 countries, came out of a national newspaper, bannering the title "Filipinos most expressive about love among
Asia Pacific countries-study" (Hegina 2015). The article presented an interesting result: The Filipinos say "I love you"
approximately 17 times in a week, making us sixth among the countries in the survey, which are most articulate and
expressive.

Robert Sternberg, a psychologist renowned for his theory of love asked, in his 1986 paper: "What does it
mean "to love" someone? Does it always mean the same thing, and if not, in what ways do loves differ from each
other?" In this chapter, we will tackle, perhaps, one of the most complex and celebrated human emotion and
experience: love.

CONTEMPLATE. Write down words/phrases or draw symbols which show what comes to your mind when you hear
the word

Love:

Intimacy:

Relationship:
LOVE AS A HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Love is a human experience differently defined and conceptualized.

Love as a culture universal

Love is construed as a culture universal. A culture universal is a phenomenon experienced similarly by

people across time and cultures. This means that humans, whether those who lived in the past or who are living now
and regardless of their geographic location and socio-cultural identities, have experienced love, in one way or
another. Said differently, love is an experience that transcends time and culture. People before us, such as our
grandparents, parents, and other adolescents like us who live in other countries, are believed to know and
encounter love as we do. The way we appreciate and experience this phenomenon may be unique, but it is a similar
phenomenon altogether.

Love as a social phenomenon

Likewise, love is viewed as a social phenomenon. Social phenomena are events or experiences which ensue
within our interaction and relationship with other people. Loving entails communication-the process of giving and
receiving information between and among people. It also entails the use of a language symbols that are culturally
agreed upon as possessing certain meanings and that are used by people to express certain realities and worldviews.

Love as an emotion

Love is also construed as an emotion. Emotions are physiological responses that we evaluate psychologically
as we experience particular life events. There are basic emotions such as joy, sadness, fear, disgust, and anger
among others. There are also complex emotions. which is a combination of basic emotions in varying magnitudes
and are made intricate by circumstances surrounding the experience (e.g., the people involved, the place and time
where the emotion is experienced, etc.). Love, as we know it, is a complex emotion.

Love as a neurobiological event

With recent advancements in science, love, now, can be studied as a neurobiological event. Every split of a
second, information is being passed on within our nervous system-a conglomerate of organs (including our brain,
our spinal cord, and our nerves, among others) responsible for our ability to process and transmit essential
information among the many organs in our body. The information comes in the form of electrical signal running
along our neurons (nerve cell), which movement is facilitated by our neurotransmitters-a variety of chemicals found
in our nervous system.

Neurobiologically, the experience of love is associated with various parts of our brain. For instance, the
loving experience is commonly associated with the activation of the ventral tegmental area (VTA) of our brain which
is just right behind our left eyes. It is also associated with the increased amount in endorphins hormones believed to
provide humans a good mood.

THEORIZING LOVE

Since love is a rather complex idea, which can be described, defined and experienced in myriad of ways,
several theories and frameworks offer diverse perspectives on how it can be understood and explained.

PSYCHODYNAMIC VIEW ON LOVE

Psychodynamic theory is a collective term, which pertains to the psychoanalytic tradition forwarded by
Sigmund Freud (a Viennese neurologist), as well as the succeeding theories that support, redefine, or refute his
propositions.

In a nutshell, the psychodynamic theory posits that we have desires and motives fueled by our life (eros) and
death (thanatos) instincts. For instance, desirable behaviors that promote positive relationship with others might be
viewed as influenced by our life instincts, while aggressive behaviors that hurt, manipulate, or harm ourselves and
others might be viewed as influenced by our death instincts. Both the life and death instincts are thought to stream
from our unconscious— the province of our mind which we are highly unaware. thought to Likewise, the
psychodynamic view puts prime on the influence of our early life experiences (from conception to around six years
old) — referred to as formative years — in our personality development. Crucial to this life stage is our relationship
with our primary caregiver— typically the mother. It suggests that the kind of attachment (psychic bond) with our
primary caregiver/s, influence our relationships in later life, including our choice of romantic partners and the way
we relate and operate within this partnership.

Hence, from a psychodynamic view, love can be seen as a manifestation of our eros and the placement of
our libido (life energy) unto an object (a thing or a person towards who we transfer our psychic energies to ease pain
or achieve pleasure).

COLOR WHEEL OF LOVE

John Alan Lee (1973), a Canadian psychologist, suggested that there are different types of love. The primary
types are: eros (sexual and romantic), philia (friendly), and storge (parental/filial love). The secondary types are:
pragma (practical love), agape (universal love and philautia (self love). It is possible for us to experience not just one,
but two or more of these types of love in our lifetime. A child who loves her parents (storage) might eventually find
new friends whom to like once they go to school (philia) and then experience romantic love (eros) especially during
her youth.

TRIANGULAR MODEL OF LOVE

One of the most popular theories of love is the triangular model by Sternberg (1986) a psychologist. This
theory looks at love from a psychometric stance, which means that it is generally concerned about trying to measure
love as a psychological variable and in determining the various dimensions and facets that love has as experienced
by people.

According to Sternberg (1986), love has three interlocking dimensions-passion, intimacy, and commitment,
Passion refers to the physical/emotional aspect. Intimacy pertains to the psychological/relational aspect.
Commitment pertains to the agency component, that in the choice we make with regards to engaging and
maintaining the loving relationship. The combination of these dimensions yields a particular love type. For instance,
when there is only passion but no other components, infatuation is formed. When there is only intimacy but no
other components, there is liking. When there is only commitment, there is empty love. However, when there is
passion and intimacy, there is romantic love. When there is passion and commitment, there is ludic love. When
there is intimacy and
commitment, there is friendly love. When all three components are presents, then we can say that consummate love
exists.

ROMANTIC AND COMPANIONATE LOVE

Hatfield and Rapson (1978, 1993), on the other hand, suggests that there are two general types of love:
romantic love and companionate love. Romantic love is characterized by intense passion "a state of intense longing
for union with your partner" (Hatfield and Rapson 1987, 1993). Companionate love, on the other hand, is
characterized by intense intimacy emotional closeness which is also characteristic of liking.

Love Languages

Gary Chapman, a world-renown author, suggested that people have various ways through which we give and
receive love. He referred to these unique ways as love languages. Chapman (1995) posited that there are generally
five love languages, namely, words of affirmation, touch, time, gifts, and acts of service.

People whose love language is words of affirmation tend to verbally express their thoughts and feelings of
love towards the people they love. They may be comfortable saying "I love yous" and articulating other words of
endearment. They also seem to be generous in expressing through words their appreciation of others' presence in
their lives. as well as the positive impact their loved ones have in them. Those whose love language is touch, on the
other hand, express love non-verbally through hugs, kisses, or, simply, a tap on the back. They value proximity
(nearness) and yearns for physical contact (not necessarily sexual in nature) with their partners. Those whose love
language is time tend to value quality moments with their loved ones. They are much willing to create memories
with the people they love. Those love language is gifts, want to show and receive affection through material objects,
especially during special occasions. Finally, those whose love language is act of service, are much willing to serve the
other person by helping her or him in things that they do.

COMMUNICATE. With 1, being the most descriptive to 5, being the least descriptive of you, rank the five love
languages according to

1. how you express your love to others.

2. how you want to receive others' love.

Afterwards, pair with a classmate whom you are most comfortable to talk with. Discuss among yourselves your
rankings. Then, further discuss:

1. What are your similarities/differences in terms of your love languages?

2. What influences do you think are at play in your preferences?

LOVE AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

Love, although well-studied and variedly-theorized, remains abstract and obscure unless viewed in the
context of human relationship. The Greek philosopher, Aristotle, has been widely quoted as referring to humans as
social animals. This means that we survive, thrive, and flourish when we are together such that relating to other
humans is not only a sentimental, but also an evolutionary and a practical process.
CONTEMPLATE. Having initially explored your understanding of love, intimacy, and relationship, we will reflect
further about these phenomena by looking at your own experiences or attitudes. Below is a table with two columns.
In Column A, list down traits of a person which might potentially make you attracted towards her or him. In Column
B, list down traits of a person which might potentially make you commit to her or him at a more long-term and
stable basis. Remember that traits can be physical (ie., physical features) or not physical (i.e., values, mental or
emotional qualities).
A: Traits that might attract you towards someone B: Traits that might convince you to commit into a long-
term, stable relationship

Social connection is necessary for our growth as individuals. In certain cases, it also serves as a foundation
for family life, which then provides us humans a venue for nurturance and care and as a platform where we can
develop to our greatest potentials. In other cases, it enables us to secure our social position and provides us human
resources to implement our goals for ourselves and for the greater community.

In his analysis of close human relationships, George Levinger (1982), postulated that their stages that
intimate relationships go through: (1) acquaintance (2) buildup (3) continuation or consolidation, (4) deterioration or
decline, and (5) ending or termination Simply, the ABCDE of intimate relationships.

Acquaintance

Intimate human relationships start in acquaintanceship. We meet up through circumstances and first learn
about basic information about one another. Crucial at this stage is attraction. What does it take for a person to
actually decide to be acquainted with another? Attraction can take place in an enabling environment. It can happen
when there is propinquity or proximity —when we are physically closer to one another. It can happen when there is
exposure when due to proximity, there are repeated possibilities of interaction, can also happen when there are
similarity— common preferences, interests, and probably beliefs and values.

Buildup

Some acquaintanceships build up into deeper relationships. Frequency of interaction increases. Kinds of
activities shared become diverse. The involved parties begin to introduce one another to each other's friends and
families, thus, making the social network larger and interconnected. This is the stage when two persons test their
boundaries. They test the waters before engaging fully and so committedly in the relationship.

Consolidation and Continuation

The third stage of intimate relationship is consolidation. This stage is when people commit to a long-term
relationship with one another, either through a personal agreement (i.e., exclusivity of partnership, domestic
partnership) or a social-legal agreement (i.e., marriage). What makes people commit to a relationship, to the point
of legitimizing it through marriage? Often, people set standards that are sustainable (e.g., ability of each other to
maintain a family or a household, readiness of each other to raise children, career, and financial capacities).

Decline or Deterioration

Unfortunately, some intimate partnerships are unable to sustain and maintain their commitments or
attraction. For one, there may be a change in priorities between the individual couple, such that the conjoint value of
the partnership is not anymore sufficient. There may be infidelity-the breech of loyalty and promises as agreed upon
by both individuals (e.g., presence of a third-party, extra-marital affairs). Or, in other, there may be irreconcilable
differences which are already harming each individual and the partnership as a whole.

Ending

Finally, for those intimate partnerships who are unable to address the causes and circumstances leading to
the deterioration of their relationship, the stages culminate into ending or termination of the agreements made
(either personal or socio-legal) through informal (e.g., collective decision to end the relationship) or formal (e.g.,
marriage dissolution) means.

COLLABORATE. Form groups of at least five members. Interview your parents, grandparents or any adult in your
home or school who are in an intimate relationship. Ask them to share their "love story" (how their relationship
started, how they maintain their relationship, and how they deal with conflicts).

Make a five-minute vlog or write a song summarizing what you learned from these interviews. Present your output in
the class.

Summary

Humans are social beings and at the core of this nature, is relating and connecting with others. Central to
understanding human relationship is the concept of love, an experience so abstract, yet so meaningful to many
people. But then again, love is diversely defined inasmuch as it manifests and is experienced in diverse ways. This
chapter tackles the various theories which explain love and its types. It also tackles the stages which people who are
in love and in an intimate relationship undertake as they progress from acquaintanceship to a deeper form of
consensual relationship. Conversely, reasons for deterioration of intimate relationship, as well as its eventual
demise, are also highlighted. By and large, we are all encouraged to reflect about our human relationships with the
goal of forging healthy, successful, and nurturing connections with others.