Attempted Theft of a Confection from a Minor: Prologue

(CASEY, WARWICK and CLYDE)

WARWICK: Perhaps we could begin with Clyde? I know him from our
work together at the mansion.
CASEY: Yes, bring him in!

(WARWICK enters with CLYDE)

Casey: Ah, the elusive Clyde Bartlett. Or should I say… Victor “The
Goose” Trimbleton? Or should I say Quickfingers Rockefeller? Or should
I say Bob…? Oh, that one doesn’t have a last name.
CLYDE: I kind of ran out of steam on aliases after a while.
WARWICK: You have a secret identity? How could you?! We were
friendly work acquaintances!
CLYDE: I'm sorry, Warwick. I never meant to hurt you.
WARWICK: All those times I asked you about your weekend and
you said "fine," you could have been telling me your fascinating
secrets!
CLYDE: I was trying to seem extra boring so you wouldn't notice
I'm one of the most wanted professional thieves in the world.
WARWICK: We could have had small talk, and you threw that all

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away. You disgust me.
CASEY: Well, I, Casey Neptune, just used psychology to force you to
confess that you're a thief.
CLYDE: No, no, it feels good to get it off my chest actually.
CASEY: Don't feel bad. You're the best in your business and I'm the
best in mine.
WARWICK: But pardon me, why would he kill J. Leslie Arlington?
CLYDE: I didn't! I work clean! A lot of hand sanitizer and no
murders. That's my motto.
CASEY: So, do you have an alibi for today?
CLYDE: Uhhhh I would really rather not say.
WARWICK: Well, I suppose you won't mind having your sterling
criminal reputation tarnished . . . by murder.
CLYDE: Oh geez. Okay. Maybe murder would be better for my
reputation than this. But I'll tell you how it all started ...

(CLYDE steps into Attempted Theft of a Confection from a

Minor.)

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 ATTEMPTED THEFT OF A CONFECTION FROM A MINOR by Patrick
Greene

Cast of Characters
Bonnie
Clyde
Father (or Mother)
Child

Production Notes
The genders of each character can be changed to suit your needs.
Any corresponding pronouns can be changed. Character names can
be changed to suit your needs.

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(A public park. A beautiful day. Trees. Two benches.)

(A woman in a turtleneck and sunglasses sits on the stage left bench.

She is reading a newspaper but keeps glancing over the top as if looking
for someone. There is a duffel bag at her feet. This is BONNIE LITTLE)

(A man appears upstage. His clothing matches the color of the bench.
This is CLYDE BARTLETT. He checks to make sure no one is looking and
then quickly makes his way to behind the bench where BONNIE is
sitting. He stands right behind her and reaches out his hand as if he is
going to strangle her.)

BONNIE: You're late.

CLYDE: (Throwing up his hands, frustrated:) I . . . I barely made a
sound. How did you-
BONNIE: The wind.
CLYDE: The what?
BONNIE: I have been sitting here for twenty minutes. My ears
have become accustomed to the sounds of the southwesterly breeze
through the trees behind me. Your presence disrupted the sound of
the wind through the trees.
(CLYDE comes around the bench and takes a seat beside BONNIE.
She doesn't put down her paper.)
CLYDE: You could really hear all that?
BONNIE: Yes... and also, you have a box of M&M's in your pocket.

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I could hear them rattling a mile away.
CLYDE: Aha! So, you're not so smart after all . . .
(CLYDE reaches into his pocket and takes out a box of candy.)
CLYDE: They're not M&M's, they're Reese's Pieces.
(CLYDE opens the box and empties the candy down his throat.)
CLYDE: (As he chews:) So who is the s m a r t one now?
(BONNIE puts down her paper and looks right at CLYDE.)
BONNIE: It's time to go.
CLYDE: Did you bring everything?
BONNIE: Of course.
CLYDE: Rope?
BONNIE: Yes.
CLYDE: Night-vision goggles?
BONNIE. Yes.
CLYDE: Wire cutters?
BONNIE: I got it. I got it all. It's all there. It's always all there because
I am a professional. Because I am always prepared, and I am never
late. Because when you are stealing from one of the richest men in
the world, you have to be perfect.
CLYDE: Okay, okay, I get it. And I appreciate it.
BONNIE: Good. So, can we go?
CLYDE: Yes. Of course. And to be clear, we are not late.
BONNIE: We said we would meet at exactly-
CLYDE: I know what we said, but last night I figured out a way

5
to reroute the security system from the main house to the guest
quarters. The system will still be operational, but for the wrong
building, which saves us the twenty minutes it would have taken
me to disable to system completely. So actually, we are right on time.

BONNIE: You really are brilliant.

(A FATHER and a CHILD enter and sit at the stage right bench.
The FATHER takes a large lollipop out of a bag and gives it to the
CHILD. The FATHER takes out his phone and begins to play a
game or check emails or scroll through Twitter. The point is, the
FATHER is immediately completely absorbed by his phone. Mean-
while the CHILD begins to unwrap the lollipop. He licks his lips
and gazes at the candy confection. Note: The CHILD should not
be played by an actual child, but rather an adult dressed as a child.
The CHILD is maybe two or three years old, but it's just funnier
if they are played by an adult.)
CLYDE: Thank you. I'll have my candy now.
(BONNIE rolls her eyes and reaches down to the duffel bag and
unzips it.)
BONNIE: You just ate candy.
CLYDE: Don't start. You know my brilliance comes with a price. I cannot
pull off a job of this scale without my precious sweets coursing through
my veins. The remnants of some breakfast Reese’s won’t get me
through one of the most complicated jobs we’ve ever pulled off.
BONNIE: Fine. Fine. Here.

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(BONNIE hands CLYDE three boxes of Good 'N' Plenties.)
CLYDE: What is this?
BONNIE: Your precious sweets.
CLYDE: You're joking, right?
BONNIE: Just eat your candy so we can go or we really will be late.
CLYDE: These are... They're . . . Good 'N' Plenties.
BONNIE: So . . .
CLYDE: So? So? Good 'N' Plenties are not precious sweets. They
are the Devil's delights, the Candy of the Damned, the Jellies of the
Joyless ...
BONNIE: What are you taking about?
CLYDE: If Jack the Ripper had a sweet tooth, he'd eat Good 'N'
Plenties. If Mussolini needed a sugar kick, he'd eat Good 'N'
Plenties. People who talk in movie theaters, people who try to stuff
oversized luggage in the overhead bin, people who hit "reply all,"
people who take off their shoes on an airplane, people who try to
sneak in more items at the express checkout, people who don't wipe
down equipment at the gym, people who take selfies on a crowded
sidewalk, people who text while walking, PEOPLE WHO CUT IN
LINE, all of them have one thing in common... they like Good 'N'
Plenties.
BONNIE: So . . . I take it you don't like Good 'N' Plenties?
CLYDE: No, Bonnie, I do not.
BONNIE: It's all they had.

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CLYDE: What do you mean, it's all they had? What kind of terrible
store would only have Good 'N' Plenties?
BONNIE: It's was just a store. I think they were going out of
business. It was sort of picked over and it was either these or
Werther's Originals.
CLYDE: You had the choice between the worst candy in the world
and creamy, delicious Werther's Originals and you chose these?
BONNIE: Just eat them and let's go.
CLYDE: I will not.
BONNIE: You're being ridiculous. And P. S., you have definitely
talked in a movie theater before.
CLYDE: During the trailers. It's acceptable to talk during the trailers.
And you like my witty comments.
BONNIE: (Sighing:) We have a job to do. Eat the candy or don't, but
we have to go.
CLYDE: I have to find a store.
BONNIE: We don't have time for that.
CLYDE: You're right. Do you have anything else? Breath mints?
BONNIE: No. You're just going to have to suck it up.
CLYDE: I can't. We'll have to do it another night.
BONNIE: You know that is not possible. It's now or never. They are
going to move the jewels to his vault any day now. Everything is
planned for tonight.
CLYDE: So, what do we do?

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(They sit. They think. After a moment, BONNIE looks over at the
FATHER and the CHILD on the other bench.)
BONNIE: Hey . . . What a b o u t...? (She motions to the CHILD.)
CLYDE: (Looking over:) You don't mean...?
(The CHILD is taking slow, deliberate licks of the lollipop.)
BONNIE: I'll distract the father. You take the candy.
CLYDE: But he's already... eating it.
BONNIE: It's still candy, isn't it?
CLYDE: What if the kid cries?
BONNIE: Give the kid something to distract them.
CLYDE: Like what?
BONNIE: Like anything. Everything is new to a kid that age. Give
'em a shiny coin, a buck, a button, it doesn't matter.
CLYDE: I don't know how I feel about taking candy from a baby.
BONNIE: It's this or nothing.
CLYDE: (Thinks.) Okay. Let's do it.
BONNIE: I can't believe I am doing this.
CLYDE: It was your idea.
BONNIE: But it's your stupid candy obsession.
CLYDE: Don't question my methods. I didn't get to be the world's
greatest thief by NOT eating candy.
BONNIE: No, you got to be the world's greatest thief because of me.
CLYDE: (Lets that last statement slide.) Go. I'll sneak up from behind.

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(CLYDE gets up and exits upstage. BONNIE waits a moment
before getting up and going over to the FATHER. She stands right
in front of him, but the FATHER, too consumed with his phone,
doesn't look up.)
BONNIE: Excuse me, sir. I was wondering if you could help me out.
(Behind the bench, CLYDE appears. He crouches down and slowly
makes his way downstage towards the CHILD.)
BONNIE: You see, the thing is I am not from around here. Im
visiting my great aunt Gladys. Her apartment is a bit dank and I
decided to come outside for a stroll. To get some fresh air, you know.
And I've found myself quite hungry.
(The FATHER hasn't even looked up from his phone. By now,
CLYDE is right behind the bench. He nods to BONNIE.)
BONNIE: So, I was wondering, is there anywhere around here that
you would recommend?
(CLYDE rises behind the CHILD. He has in his hand a shiny coin.
He holds the coin out and it catches the attention of the CHILD
who stops licking. The CHILD reaches out his free hand to grab
the coin. CLYDE releases the coin to the CHILD and grabs onto
the lollipop. The CHILD doesn't let go of the candy. In fact, he has
a vice grip on it and as CLYDE tries to dash off with the lollipop,
he is unable to get it from the CHILD and CLYDE goes crashing
back against the bench and the CHILD, now with the coin, goes on

10
licking the lollipop.)
BONNIE: Um... but you see, I do have a few dietary restrictions to
consider, like, uh ... gluten. Definitely no gluten, and ...
(As BONNIE speaks, CLYDE is behind the bench trying to find
something else to entice the CHILD with. He pulls out his keys,
wallet, phone, but realizes he can't give any of those away. He finds
the empty box of Reese's. CLYDE goes to the side of the bench
holding out the empty box. He shows it to the CHILD and points
to the CHILD's lollipop and mimes the trade. The CHILD smiles.)
BONNIE: Tomatoes. I can't have those or I break out in hives. And
no shellfish or even shell-less fish, basically nothing from the sea,
except seaweed in sushi, but again, no fish, so it has to be fishless sushi,
but I tried some vegetarian sushi, and I didn’t like it and uh…uh…no
dairy…
(CLYDE holds out the empty box. The CHILD holds out the
lollipop. The CHILD takes the box. CLYDE takes the lollipop. The
CHILD smiles. CLYDE smiles. The CHILD snatches the lollipop
back from CLYDE, who is totally caught off guard. He tries in
vain to snatch the lollipop back. The CHILD keeps it out of reach
and takes another lick, all while looking right at CLYDE.)
BONNIE. And nothing with sugar because sugar is basically like
eating death and no high-fructose or even low-fructose corn syrup
and as far as meat goes, I do very much enjoy meat, but it has to be
meat raised responsibly within 25 miles of here and . . . uh... so if
you have any, uh, recommendations, I would very much appreciate

11
it, sir.
(The FATHER still has not looked up from his phone. BONNIE
looks over at CLYDE and shrugs. CLYDE looks over at the
grinning CHILD and lunges for the lollipop. The CHILD fends
him off for a bit. There is a struggle. BONNIE does her best to
block the FATHER's view of the struggle, but again, the FATHER
is too consumed with the phone to notice.)
CLYDE. Give me that sweet, precious candy.
BONNIE. (Trying to talk over CLYDE:) Give me that sweet, precious
recommendation.
CLYDE. I need it or I won't be able to steal the jewels.
BONNIE. I need it or I won't be able to steal away back to my Aunt
Gladys.
(Finally, CLYDE comes away with the lollipop. He holds it up,
victorious, grinning. He looks over at the CHILD, who is not sad
or on the verge of tears. The CHILD is angry. And this CHILD's
anger is terrifying. CLYDE leaps up from the bench and back
away.)
BONNIE. Oh, what does it matter, you're not paying any attention
anyway.
(The CHILD rises. CLYDE slowly backs away. CLYDE runs. The
CHILD runs after him. They race around the stage.)
FATHER. (Still not looking up from his phone:) Don't go too far.
(BONNIE gives the FATHER a look. She waves a hand in front

12
of him. Still no reaction. The CHILD and CLYDE have raced
offstage. BONNIE gives up and sits down on the bench next to the
FATHER. The FATHER shifts in his seat and his leg brushes
BONNIE's leg. He looks up from his phone.)
FATHER. Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
BONNIE. (Looking into his eyes. Clearly something has shifted in her.)
It's
...it's it's okay...
FATHER. I was so focused on my phone, I didn't see you there.
(BONNIE takes off her sunglasses.)
FATHER. I'm finishing up a research paper on the negative effects
of candy on our society. My wife, when she was still alive, began this
groundbreaking work with me and sometimes I get too focused on
finishing her legacy.
BONNIE. It's quite all right.
FATHER. I'm here with my son. We were going to get something to
eat. Would you like to join us?
BONNIE. I would love to.
FATHER. Come along, Cornelius.
(The CHILD enters from upstage. He holds the lollipop. He takes
a lick. BONNIE looks over at him.)
FATHER. Oh, don't worry. It's not actually candy. It's a specially
formulated nutritional supplement that I developed. I just sold the
recipe for millions, so I am rich. Shall we?
(FATHER holds out his arm. BONNIE takes it. The CHILD

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follows behind and they all head stage right. CLYDE enters from
upstage, stumbling and his clothes disheveled.)
CLYDE. Wait... Bonnie... where are you going?
(BONNIE looks over her shoulder and shakes her head at him.
BONNIE and FATHER exit. The CHILD stops far stage right
and turns around.)
CLYDE. Stay away from me, kid.
(The CHILD reaches into his pockets and pulls out CLYDE's
wallet, keys, and phone.)
CLYDE. Hey, that's . . .
CHILD. Mine.
(The CHILD smiles, turns, and exits.)
(CLYDE sighs. Walks over to the stage right bench and sits.)
End of Play

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Interlude 1 - Attempted Theft of a Confection from a Minor: Epilogue

(CASEY, WARWICK and CLYDE)

CLYDE. So, you see, I couldn't have committed the murder!
CASEY. Because you were busy attempting theft... of a confection
. . . f r o m a minor.
CLYDE. It's the "attempted" that's really embarrassing. Please don't
tell anyone I was bested by a child!
WARWICK. The youth did seem to wipe the floor with you, sir.
CLYDE. If word gets around that I couldn't pull it off, it would be
curtains for my reputation.
CASEY. Your candy situation is out of control, Clyde. First you hit
rock bottom, and then you got a jackhammer and kept going. But
the fact remains: You couldn't have killed J. Leslie Arlington.
CLYDE. How about t h i s . . you promise not to tell anyone what
I told you about my situation, and I'll give you some information
about what ol' Arlington was up to in the last days of his life.
CASEY. I'll bite. I'm a loose cannon who doesn t play by the rules.
WARWICK. I also agree, since I feel slightly sorry for you.
CLYDE. So, the day before the party, Arlington told me he was onto
my false identity. He knows the criminal underworld backwards
and forwards, most of it works for him. He must have figured out

15
that I was casing the joint. I was ready to make a run for it, but
then . . . he invited me to join the Arlington crime syndicate. Or as
he called i t . . . the Family.
CASEY. Wait, wait, wait. Back up. There's an Arlington crime family?
WARWICK. (Deeply offended:) And I WASN'T INVITED?
CLYDE. He said he was starting one up, beginning at his birthday
party tonight. I thought he was just doing normal shady billionaire
crimes with hedge funds and lobbyists, but I guess he was looking
to branch out, and he was recruiting.
CASEY. And what did you say?
CLYDE. I said I'd think about it. So look, Detective, now you have
i t all
WARWICK. Really, we could have been having so much better
small talk.
CLYDE. How about this, Warwick, I'll buy you lunch next week if
I'm not in jail.
WARWICK. It's a deal!
CASEY. Thank you, Clyde, this has been very illuminating.
(CLYDE exits.)
(CASEY and WARWICK go straight into the next Prologue.)

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