Module 2

THE COMMUNICATION MODULE

WORKBOOK

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 1)

 REFLECTIVE CONVERSATION STEPS
REMEMBER: Every Reflective Conversation begins by obtaining permission to have the
Reflective Conversation. Include the specific topic or incident that you want to talk
about. E.g., “Honey, is now a good time for us to have a Reflective Conversation about last
night’s fight?” If now isn’t great, agree on a time (preferably within 24 hours) that works
for you both. Next, choose who will be in the Sender role first.

STEP 1: MIRROR (THE SENDER’S MESSAGE)

Sender: Send message with factual “I” statements. Focus on sharing your soft
feelings, your experience or your struggles. Share as vulnerably as you can.

Receiver: “If I got it…” or “If I heard you accurately…”

Receiver: “Did I get it?”

If the Sender says “No”, then the Sender helps the Receiver what was missing and the
Receiver keeps mirroring until the Sender confirms their message was heard accurately.

Receiver: “Is there more?”

If the Sender says “Yes”, then the Sender continues sharing and the Receiver continues
mirroring until the Sender says their message was heard and that there’s nothing more.

STEP 2: VALIDATE (THE LOGIC & TRUTH IN THE SENDER’S MESSAGE)

Receiver: “It makes sense, because…” or “It makes sense to me given that you…” or
“I can see what you’re saying…”

Receiver: “Do you feel validated?”

If the Sender says “No”, then the sender helps the Receiver with what was missing and
the Receiver keeps validating until the Sender confirms that they feel validated.

STEP 3: EMPATHIZE (WITH THE SENDER’S FEELINGS)

Receiver: “I can imagine that you might be feeling …” or “I imagine that you felt…”
(Describe their feeling in one word e.g., sad, scared, lonely, ashamed etc.)

Receiver: “Is that what you are (were) feeling?” or “Did I get your feeling right?”

Once the feeling has been correctly identified…

Receiver: “Is there anything else you’re feeling?”

Once the Sender’s message is completely mirrored, validated and empathized with…

Sender: “Would you like to switch roles?”

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 2)

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 3)
 REFLECTIVE CONVERSATION GUIDELINES
(Print this page out and keep it handy)

• If you’re feeling disconnected, first give each other a full-body hug for 10 seconds
and reassure your partner that you intend for the conversation to go well.

• Sit knee to knee, or side by side if possible.

• The initiator of the Reflective Conversation is usually (but not always) in the
Sender role first.

• The Sender speaks first, talking about one issue only and shares in bite-sized
chunks, giving the receiver time to absorb and mirror what was said.

• When the SENDER is speaking, the RECIEVER listens without speaking.

• The SENDER uses “I” statements to talk about themselves and their feelings. The
most useful statements are observations, feelings and needs. For example:

o I notice… (report factual observations that led you to your issue or topic)
o I feel… (report on the feelings that the observations are triggering in you)
o I need… (what need inside of you is going unmet?)

For example: “Honey, I noticed you didn’t respond to my text. I feel anxious and fear
that perhaps you’re ignoring me. I need reassurance that everything’s OK with us.”
Be very careful with “I feel…” - especially not to imply “by you” when describing
your feelings. For example, don't say “I feel abused [by you],” which is passive way
of saying “You are abusing me.” Instead, say “I feel hurt right now.”

• Use AND, not BUT. But negates what came before it.
E.g. “I love you, but…” means “I don’t love you.”

• No generalizations i.e., ALWAYS or NEVER

• No moralistic judgments i.e., no implying wrongness or badness on the part of

your partner when they don't act in harmony with your values.

• No blaming, insults, put-downs, name calling, swearing or threats of any kind.

• No labels or diagnoses e.g., “You’re such a narcissist, and you’re co-dependent too!”

• No comparisons e.g. “My ex was way more generous than you are!”

• No denial of responsibility. You are responsible for your experience.

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 4)

 REFLECTIVE CONVERSATION ASSIGNMENTS
Solo Participants: Ask a close friend or family member to help you with these exercises.

ASSIGNMENT #1: HAVE THREE PRACTICE REFLECTIVE CONVERSATIONS

Have three Reflective Conversations with your partner about something non-threating
and that won’t trigger either of you.

Here are some conversation starters that you can choose from. Alternatively, you can
make up your own topics together:

1. Something I love about us as a couple is…

2. A beautiful memory from my past is when…

3. When I was a kid, I used to dream of one day being…

4. One thing that I greatly admire about you is…

5. Three things I find very romantic are…

6. The best thing about my mom (or dad) was…

7. Something that helps me feel close to you is…

8. One experience I’d love to share with you is…

9. If I could have dinner with one famous person, it would be… (explain why)

10. The person I most miss having in my daily life is… (explain why)

In each conversation, switch roles at the end of Step 3 (Empathize). Taking turns as the
Sender and the Receiver will help to get you comfortable in each role.

By the end of your third practice Reflective Conversation, you should have memorized all
the Reflective Conversation prescribed responses (e.g. “Did I get it?” “Is there more?”) and
be feeling a lot more confident and comfortable using the format. If not, keep practicing
until you have them down.

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 5)

ASSIGNMENT #2: HAVE THREE REFLECTIVE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT REAL ISSUES

Once you feel comfortable with the basic format of the Reflective Conversation, have
three Reflective Conversations about increasingly difficult topics.

STEP 1: CHOOSE YOUR TOPICS TOGETHER

First, collaborate with your partner and together, agree on three topics to talk about that
have historically been risky to talk about.

• For your first conversation, choose a topic that feels only slightly risky discuss
together. Don’t tackle the scariest conversation first. You want your first
experience of Reflective Conversation to be a positive one.

• For your second conversation, choose a topic that feels a little riskier talk about.

• For your third conversation, choose a topic that feels scary to talk about together.

Now, list your three topics you agreed to talk about below:

Topic for Conversation 1:

Topic for Conversation 2:

Topic for Conversation 3:

STEP 2: PREPARE WHAT YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH YOUR PARTNER

Before diving right in, we’re going to prepare ourselves so that we maximize the odds
that these potentially risky conversations go well for you both.

The sentence stems on the following three pages are designed to help prompt you (as
the Sender) and help you get clear on what you want to share with your partner in each
Reflective Conversation.

STEP 3: HAVE YOUR THREE REFLECTIVE CONVERSATIONS

Finally, one of you requests permission to have a Reflective Conversation about the first
topic you chose together. Decide who will begin in the Sender role and off you go!

Then complete the remaining two Reflective Conversations.

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 6)

 PREPARATION FOR REFLECTIVE CONVERSATION TOPIC 1:
Plan on taking no more than 5 minutes to complete this page.

I get upset when…

Write down factual observations (events) that led to the issue you want to talk about.

When this happens, I tell myself…

Share your interpretation about what happened. What did it mean to you?

When I imagine this, I feel…

Report on the softer feelings that your interpretation triggers. (e.g., hurt, lonely, sad, scared,
ashamed, unimportant, helpless, rejected, inadequate, unwanted etc.)

When I imagine this, I get scared that…

Share the scary future that you’re secretly afraid might come true as a result of this incident.

What I need most right now is…

Share what you most need to feel better right now. Use positive language and refer to a need
within you. e.g., “I need a hug.” or “I need reassurance that you love me.”

Now, go and request permission to have a Reflective Conversation

with your partner about this topic.

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 7)

 PREPARATION FOR REFLECTIVE CONVERSATION TOPIC 2:
Plan on taking no more than 5 minutes to complete this page.

I get upset when…

Write down factual observations (events) that led to the issue you want to talk about.

When this happens, I tell myself…

Share your interpretation about what happened. What did it mean to you?

When I imagine this, I feel…

Report on the softer feelings that your interpretation triggers. (e.g., hurt, lonely, sad, scared,
ashamed, unimportant, helpless, rejected, inadequate, unwanted etc.)

When I imagine this, I get scared that…

Share the scary future that you’re secretly afraid might come true as a result of this incident.

What I need most right now is…

Share what you most need to feel better right now. Use positive language and refer to a need
within you. e.g., “I need a hug.” or “I need reassurance that you love me.”

Now, go and request permission to have a Reflective Conversation

with your partner about this topic.

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 8)

 PREPARATION FOR REFLECTIVE CONVERSATION TOPIC 3:
Plan on taking no more than 5 minutes to complete this page.

I get upset when…

Write down factual observations (events) that led to the issue you want to talk about.

When this happens, I tell myself…

Share your interpretation about what happened. What did it mean to you?

When I imagine this, I feel…

Report on the softer feelings that your interpretation triggers. (e.g., hurt, lonely, sad, scared,
ashamed, unimportant, helpless, rejected, inadequate, unwanted etc.)

When I imagine this, I get scared that…

Share the scary future that you’re secretly afraid might come true as a result of this incident.

What I need most right now is…

Share what you most need to feel better right now. Use positive language and refer to a need
within you. e.g., “I need a hug.” or “I need reassurance that you love me.”

Now, go and request permission to have a Reflective Conversation

with your partner about this topic.

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 9)

 ONE-WAY REFLECTIVE CONVERSATIONS
This cheat sheet will only make sense if you’ve watched the training video first.

STEP 1: MIRRORING (EVERY COUPLE OF SENTENCES)

Repeat the last three or four words of what your partner says (every couple of
sentences when it feels natural too). They will likely say “yes” and keep talking.

Doing this lets them know that you’re paying attention to what they are saying. It will
feel awkward at first. Stick with it until it becomes natural. Practice makes perfect here.

Don’t mirror the end of every sentence they say, because that will just sound weird. 90%
of the time, you’ll be able to mirror the last 3 words of a phrase. But sometimes it will be
more natural to mirror just 2 words or maybe 4 words.

Perhaps they say, “Jeez, I had such a rough day at work today. My boss humiliated me in
front of everyone. It was so embarrassing.” You’d say, “So embarrassing…”

STEP 2: SUMMARIZE AND EMPATHIZE (EVERY COUPLE OF MINUTES)

Once there’s a natural pause in the conversation, you’re going to empathize with your
partner by briefly summarizing what they said.

Begin your summary with:

“It seems…” “It sounds…” “It looks…” or “You seem…” “You sound…” “You look…”

E.g., “Wow, babe, it sounds like you had a crappy day at work…”

As part of your summary of what they said, you’ll say out loud what your partner shared
they were feeling. E.g., “Wow, babe, it sounds like you had a crappy day at work and you’re
scared that your boss might fire you?”

This is called labelling emotions. Research shows that labeling your partner’s negative
emotions reduces the intensity of their negative emotions. So, don’t be afraid to label
their anger or frustration or contempt. Doing so will actually help reduce those
emotions. Research also shows that labeling positive emotions increases the intensity of
those positive emotions.

When the person I’m speaking with hasn’t shared a feeling, I like to say, “I imagine you
must have felt…” and then share my best guess at what they are feeling.

At the end of your summary, you’ll imply a question by inflecting the pitch of your voice
up. E.g., “…fire you?”

STEP 3: VALIDATE
Much like Reflective Conversation, validate why what they have shared makes sense to
you until you hear a “That’s right”. E.g., “It makes sense that you’d be scared of being fired. I
know how much this debt is like carrying a weight on your shoulders every day.”

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 10)

 ONE-WAY REFLECTIVE CONVERSATION ASSIGNMENT
ASSIGNMENT #3: HAVE FUN LEARNING EACH OF THE ONE-WAY CONVERSATION SKILLS.
Solo Participants: Ask a close friend or family member to help you with this exercise.

Decide who is going to speak and who is going to practice the One-Way Reflective
Conversation skills first.

The Speaker chooses any non-threatening topic (use the list one the next page for ideas)
and starts talking about it. If the speaker runs out of things to say about one topic, they
pause allowing the Listener to summarize. Then the Speaker just starts talking about
another topic.

What is important is that the Speaker keeps talking, giving the Listener lots of
opportunity to practice the one-way Reflective Conversation skills:

ROUND 1: The Listener attempts to mirror what the Speaker is saying, repeating the last
three or four words of what they say every couple of sentences when it feels natural too.
Do this for a few minutes until it feels comfortable mirroring like this.

ROUND 2: Next, the Listener practices mirroring and summarizing what the speaker has
said every minute or two when there is a natural pause in the conversation. Begin with:
“It seems…” “It sounds…” “It looks…” or “You seem…” “You sound…” “You look…” Do this for
a few minutes until it feels comfortable mirroring and summarizing like this.

ROUND 3: Next, the Listener practices mirroring, summarizing and labelling the Speaker’s
emotions in their summary, as well as implying a question at the end. Do this for a few
minutes until it feels comfortable mirroring and summarizing and labelling emotions.

ROUND 4: Finally, the Listener practices mirroring, summarizing, labelling, implying a

question and then wraps up the conversation by validating what the Speaker said. You
should already have this down from the Reflective Conversation exercises earlier. Do this
for a few minutes until the whole one-way Reflective Conversation feels comfortable.

When you’re comfortable enough with one-way Reflective Conversation, switch practice
roles with your partner until you’re both good enough at the skills.

ASSIGNMENT #4: PRACTICE ONE-WAY CONVERSATION WITH EVERYONE, EVERY DAY.

Mastery will come by practicing on anyone you speak with including your partner, your
kids, work colleagues, checkout clerks -anyone!

Mastery may take some time (or not). If it does, be patient. It will be worth the effort and
you’ll have this life-changing listening skill for the rest of your life.

Solo Participants: When you talk about “issues” with your partner, bring the issue up gently
and then use one-way Reflective Conversation to make your partner feel heard.

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 11)

CONVERSATION STARTERS
Here are some conversation starters that you can use in Assignment #3.

Alternatively, the Speaker can make up their own topics.

What is important is that the Speaker keeps talking, giving the Listener lots of
opportunity to practice the one-way Reflective Conversation skills:

• What's the most interesting thing you've read about lately?

• Where do you feel most at home (and why)?
• Share a story about a time when you were the recipient of an act of generosity.
• What's the best gift you've ever received? From whom? Why was it meaningful?
• What's your favorite part about living in [city]? Why? Least favorite? Why?
• What's the most interesting place you've travelled to and why was it interesting?
• What makes you feel nostalgic? Is there a place or a time in your life you wish you
could return to?
• What was the most significant trouble you got into in school?
• Is there anyone you don’t talk to anymore that you wish you still did? Would you
like to invite them over for dinner or plan an outing with them?
• How do you feel about being an organ donor? Why?
• If a relative needs financial help, how would we handle that? Are there situations
where we would or wouldn’t help? What stipulations would we make?
• What conspiracy theory do you secretly think is true?
• What personality trait do you wish you could pass down to your kids?
• Would you rather be a millionaire and have to go back to high school or be a
millionaire and have to give 90% of your income to charity?
• What did you think of your partner when you first met them?
• What did you do for fun as a kid?
• Who was your best friend when you were 10? Are you still friends?
• Do you ever experience imposter syndrome? What do you do?

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 12)

 REFLECT ON MODULE 2
Write down your biggest insights or “aha moments” from Module 2 of
The Conflict Cure.

How did your Reflective Conversations go? What can you do to make them go
even better in future?

What questions do you have about this week’s material?

How has your relationship improved applying what you learned this week?

© 2012 Bruce Muzik – www.LoveAtFirstFight.com – Module 2 Workbook (Page 13)