GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM A Comedy by Mitch Markowitz REVISED February 10, 1987 2nd Revision February 27, 1987 3rd Revision March 4, 1987 4th Revision March 23, 1987q FADE IN: INT. CONTROL ROOM - CLOSE ON THE V.U. METER OF A 1 RADIO CONTROL BOARD OVER this, then OVER MUSIC, and as the CREDITS ROLL, we hear a dry, humorless and therefore informative radio voice say the following: INFORMATIVE VOICE Barring any change in the weather, the softball game between the 133rd and fourth infantry divisions will resume as scheduled at the Ban Mi Thout Park corner of Viet Ho and Hguen Van Theiuh Streets here in Saigon. Please make a note of it, Those men who lost equipment in last week rains are asked to contact Lieutenant Sam Scheer. Lieutenant Scheer asks those men with waterlogged mitts to make every effort to dry them out in the sun before requesting new ones. Headquarters Support Activities Saigon operates libraries at six locations in the Republic of Vietnam. American personnel can check out a book in Ku Bai, Da Nang, Phung Tao, Saigon. Bien Wah and San Treng. If you can't stop in and select your own books, write to the HSAS Library. Ask for the books, by author, tit: and subject and your selections will be’mailed to you. Those personnel wishing to send Christmas cards home to the States are asked to do so no later than August 13 due to a yearly mail rush at that time. Don't disappoint your family with late Christmas cards. Mail your holiday cards out in August. Lost luggage: ‘The Armed Forces sincerely regrets any inconvenience due to luggage lost on transport carriers. Personnel missing luggage are asked to drop a card to Major Gerald Kleiner over at the 5th. ‘The card ould be.no larger than four by five inches and should describe the contents of your duffle. (MORE) (CONTINUED)thru 10 n 2. CONTINUED: 2 INFORMATIVE VOICE (CONT'D) Major Kleiner requests that you do not describe your duffle as all Guffles look alike. Those personnel with lost bags can Feceive a stipend to cover contents such as shoes, socks, and undergarments. ‘The military requests that you do not apply for stipends if you have not lost a bag. omrrrep 2 thru 10 EXT. TAN SON NHUT AIRPORT - DC-8 - DAY a OVER the end of the last speech we see this busy, hot, relatively small airport where palm trees move casually in the soft tropical wind. A DC-8 that has just land- ed, taxis in, its huge engine and wheels FILLING THE FRAME and KILLING THE SOUND OF THE RADIO. ED GARLICK, a good-natured, young Airman of about 22 waits amid the throngs of servicemen. He peers expec- tantly toward the DC-8, carefully looking over each GI that climbs down the ladder. ADRIAN CRONAUER emerges from the plane and stands with- out conviction at the top of the gangplank, a thick wall of moist heat frying him to his spot and drenching him in sweat. He appears dazed. He sports a crazed, anaesthesia-oriented smile, and wears mirro’ , Sandals, a jacket with a name tag t! a scarf knitted by a grandmother, not Jamaican flour sack pants, a USAF hat, and a Greek peasant shirt stained with juices of many lands." He looks into the blazing sun. He and everyone he sees is sweating. reads, CRONAUER (shedding scarf) Guess I won't be needing this. He looks around and smiles, about to think some opti- mistic thought. He waits a moment, thinks better of this, and tries to head back onto the plane. A disem- barking soldier prevents that from happening. CRONAUER (continuing) Take me elsewhere. I'l] buy you a (CONTINUED)n 12 CONTINUED: 1 Suddenly Garlick spots him. Relatively short, and wearing pink, translucent glasses, Garlick has a cute, pudgy face with a small, funny nose, a practically non- existent chin, and blue, bulging eyes. He's the kind of guy who'd do you a favor no matter how much it costs him, and no matter how well he knows you. GARLICK (extends hand) Airman Cronauer? Welcome to Saigon. Warm,. huh? CRONAUER Warm?! This is the setting for London broil. GARLICK It's hot, sir, there's little question. (smiles, extends hand) Airman First Class Edward Montesque-Garlick. CRONAUER First thing you'll want to do is requisition a name change. GARLICK (starts down gangplank) I like you already. INT. COLONEL AVERY TAYLOR'S OFFICE 12 COLONEL AVERY TAYLOR, a tall, slim, distinguished man of 55 or 60, sits behind a large, dark oak desk listen- ing intently to SERGEANT MAJOR DICKERSON, 42, a stern, no-nonsense career man who stands before him, agitated. LIEUTENANT STAN HAUK, a tall, nervous, extra-concerned man, a man trying to make the world, if not a little better place for all, then a little better for himself, ina chair, preoccupied, listening. DICKERSON . Frankly, I don't understand. ‘TAYLOR Kindly lower your voice, Sgt. Major. (CONTINUED)12 13 CO CONTINUED: 12 .. DICKERSON I run this show. If something's not going well, I answer for it. Don't I deserve to be notified of any change? TAYLOR In principal, yes. But this guy had a terrific show over at AFRS in Crete which I heard when I was over there. He really made me Taugh. And the guys loved him. You were in Hong Kong, so I took it upon myself to make the change. Oh, what are you getting crazy about, Dick? “We're only talking about a DJ. DICKERSON There's no such thing as “only” anymore, Colonel. Not in this city. EXT. TAN SAN NEUT AIRPORT 13 Garlick ‘and Cronauer make it toward the Jeep with Cronauer's bags. As Cronauer rarely looks where he is walking, he nearly bumps into about 300 Vietnamese. GARLICK I'm your Armed Forces Radio-Saigon Assistant in Charge of Orientation and Billeting of Enlisted Personnel and Company Clerk. Basically, it means I take care of piddly stuff. (checks watch) Right now we've got to hightail it over to the station so you can meet the brass. After that we can have lunch. CRONAUER We should have literally no problem finding an oriental restaurant. GARLICK (taking his bag, excited) u're funny; there's no on about it. (CONTINUED)O 13 14 CONTINUED: 13 Garlick throws the bag into the back of a Jt Cronauer climbs in, and Garlick nervously climbs in. He starts the engine but it was already started. It makes a terrible GRINDING SOUND. GARLICK (continuing; shrugs sheepishly) It was already started. CRONAUER I understand. EXT. SAIGON STREET - GOLDEN MOUNT 14 Garlick puts the Jeep into gear and, with a sudden jerk, pulls through the lot and heads for traffic, testing the wheel a little, enjoying the feel of it. GARLICK I love driving. I'ma little crazy that way. I especially love making left-hand turns for some reason. Cronauer just looks at him. Garlick TURNS ON THE RADIO. Cronauer gazes into the strange heat, confusion and traffic of midday Saigon. ‘The dull, almost anachronistic SOUND OF A PERRY COMO SONG COMES OVER THE RADIO. CRONAUER (turns to Garlick, concerned) Excuse me. Is that Perry Como, or are we dead? GARLICK I believe it is Como, sir. ‘The SONG ENDS. A radio voice comes on. It's a very dry, dull voice that wouldn't be difficult to fall asleep to, even if you were very hyper: RADIO VOICE «++ that was "Papa Loves Mambo" by the wonderful Perry Como. It's 14:19 hours and this is AFRS, Radio Saigon. “Greetings” to all our servicemen in the area and thanks so heartily for joining us. (MORE) . (CONTINUED)14 CONTINUED: 14 @ RADIO VOICE (CONT'D) ] AFRS Radio is owned and operated by the United States Government, and operates on an assigned carrier frequency of 540 with effective radiated power of 7,553 watts using studio transmitter link KR 2831 at 749 megahertz. CRONAUER (concerned) What that man just said was very, very boring. GARLICK Not really. See, the purpos: RADIO VOICE Now, AFRS is proud to bring you the following uninterrupted selections by Mantovani CRONAUER Mantovanni?! That's suicide! They play Mantovanni to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs. GARLICK (protective) . Sir, the Colonel likes "easy listening." Now I'm really going to have to ask you to... 15 EXT. OLD PARLIAMENT BOULEVARD AND PAVEMENT CAFE as But Cronauer's attention is quickly diverted when he spots a young, slim, pretty Asian woman with soft, lovely features in a crowd. CRONAUER Young Asian woman with soft, lovely features at 11 o'clock. Stop the ca: Garlick doesn't; Cronauer ri CRONAUER (continuing) Are you crazy? You don't , understand. I'm attracted to very O few people. I broke up with someone last year. (MORE) : cts. (CONTINUED)15 16 wv 18 CONTINUED: 15 CRONAUER (CONT'D) It was a very heavy relationship, replete with crying. She left me for a tall person. I didn't think I could ever love again. Now that I find that I can, you won't stop? Please qo back. GARLICK We have a very important meeting with the top brass. EXT, CHAKKA PHAT PONG ROAD 16 Garlick gets into the thick of traffic. Cronauer takes a deep breath and tries to settle in for the ride. He suddenly spots another young, slim, pretty Asian woman in a crowd. CRONAUER There she is again! GARLICK That's another person! CRONAUER Ican love. That's the important thing. GARLICK Sir! This is the military... EXT. AFRS COMPOUND 7 Garlick and Cronauer are waved through at the guard gate by a South Vietnamese soldier. Garlick bucks the Jeep abruptly into a spot and CUTS THE ENGINE. GARLICK One great thing about Vietnam -- never a problem parking. Never. INT. AFRS HALLWAY 18 Garlick walks Cronauer down the cool, dark corridor. GARLICK (checking watch) Lt. Hauk is our immediate supervisor. A little goofy, but okay. (MORE) (CONTINUED)18 19 20 CONTINUED: 18 GARLICK (CONT'D) Sgt. Major Dickerson's another story. He used to be the commander of an elite, special forces unit. He developed some prostate problems and some kind of social infection that doesn't go away. (very confidentially) Plus, I think he also got shot in the behind. Cronauer's sonorous laughter booms through the hall. INT. AFRS LOBBY 1s GARLICK +++ Anyway, stay clear of him. As they move down the hall toward a door marked “Lieutenant Hauk," we see Colonel Taylor who steps it up until he catches up with the men. TAYLOR (extending hand) Airman Cronauer? Colonel Taylor. Pleasure to meet you, son. CRONAUER ICK Riya, sir. (wincing) We're not supposed to address a Colonel using, “Hiya TAYLOR Cronauer, we're counting on you. If you need anything, give a holler. INT. LT. HAUK'S OFFICE 20 Garlick leads Cronauer past Hauk's secretary, PVT. DENNIS ABERSOLD, a thin, wan, annoying creature of 32, who sits at the entrance to Hauk's office. Through a second door we see a nervous, insecure Lieutenant with large ears, worried about a million things he has no control over, giving orders to an underling. He is Lieutenant Stan F. Hauk. GARLICK That's Hauk. With the ears. (CONTINUED)20 © CONTINUED: 20 CRONAUER O If they flapped, they could lift him up and fly him to Guam. Garlick laughs. The underling exits. Garlick and Cronauer enter. HAUK (to Garlick) You know, it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once ina while. (to Cronauer) Hey. I understand you're pretty funny as a DJ and, well, humor and comedy is a kind of hobby of mine. Perhaps some night you and I could swap humorous stories together. Por fun. CRONAUER Oh, definitely. Also, you can come over to my house when my mother is gone and we can compare Hungarian stamp collections. Hauk doesn't follow. Sgt. Major Dickerson enters. The 2 large, unhappy man we saw in the first scene moves swiftly into the room and stares at the DJ, obviously disgusted by his appearance. Garlick gestures to Cronauer that this is the guy to watch out for. DICKERSON Who has this man's papers? Hauk hands them over. Dickerson peruses them. DICKERSON (continuing) Air Force. Great. (laughs with scorn) Next they'll be sending me Coast Guard people, and after that, retarded Cub Scouts (re Cronauer's duffle) Open the bag. Cronauer does. Dickerson peers inside and sees four bottles of ouzo and a sock. Dickerson holds up the sock for an explanation. i) CRONAUER A man needs something to wear, sir. (CONTINUED)O 20 10. CONTINUED: (2) 20 DICKERSON (pressing) And you are not in your military issue, Airman. (louder ) What are you wearing, Airman. Cronauer looks down at his torn, faded, but still some- how loud Greek peasant shirt and homely, baggy pair of Bermuda shorts. CRONAUER This, sir, is the evening wear of choice for the many camp counselors in Fiji, sir. It also serves as casual wear for the Postal workers of Bali and is the official, and I might add, delightful uniform of Alcoholics Anonymous in Honolulu. Hauk grimaces. Garlick shuts his eyes. There is a frighteningly tense beat as Dickerson's normally angry eyes bulge black with rage and contempt. He pushes Cronauer to the wall and grabs him. DICKERSON I don't like you, Airman, and already the feelings run real deep. You're soft. I had a guy like you out in the field one time. He got blown to pieces, but not before his stupidity took the lives of three very fine men. Cronauer is about to speak quietly. DICKERSON (continuing You shut your fucking mouth! YouTre in Soutl ie a Tow, pal. You got your comfy little assignment. You're here, and there's not much I can do about it, so in time I hope I can forget it. Stay out of my way, and you'll have no problem. Toy with Me and I*11 burn you so bad you'll wish you died as a child, Dickerson lets Cronauer go, nods to Hauk and exits. CRONAUER Be reminds me of Julie Andrews. Around the eyes, right?21 22 22a 23 a. INT. CRONAUER'S ROOM - VERY TIGHT CLOSEUP - THE 22 INNER THIRD OF A FACE saying: GARLICK Sir, it's time to rise. ON Cronauer now. His startled eyes are open very wide. CRONAUER If this is a dream, please, God, let's move on to the next series. A But Garlick props him up. A clock reads 5:12 a.m bed at the other side of the room is already made. Cronauer moves grudgingly out of bed and hobbles toward the bathroom with Garlick's help. CRONAUER (continuing) It is very, very early; I may try to hurt you. INT. APRS HALLWAY 22 Garlick and Cronauer walk down the cool, dark hallway. TELETYPE MACHINES BUZZ in one of the rooms, spitting out pages of news. INT. RADIO CONTROL ROOM AREA 22a GARLICK We still have a few minutes before your show begins. (checks watch) When it's time to read the news you just take it out of these Machines. You can edit it as you wish. INT. PUBLIC INFORMATION OFFICE 23 Garlick walks up to a door marked “OFFICE OF PUBLIC INFORMATION." Two similar looking, moustached soldiers sitting at a desk perusing various printed materials look up with no facial expressions. . GARLICK +++ But regard] read, the Depar: wants final say, so every item must be chec!23 24 12. CONTINUE: 23 There is a CAR NOISE heard through the window. The moustached men look to the right in unison, then back at Cronauer at exactly the same time, expressionless. CRONAUER (exiting; re censors) Very special individuals. INT. AFRS HALLWAY 24 Cronauer follows Garlick down the hallway to a door marked CONTROL ROOM where we see a very hefty man of 30 or so with a baby face, tremendously large mouth, and a flat-top haircut booming the news into a microphone. A red light above reads "On Air." The minute the lights goes off (a brief pre-recorded public service tape is played), DREIWITZ spots a few moisture rings on his console. He frantically grabs a can of Endust and sprays it, trying to wipe the ring out of the wood. When the announcement finishes and the red light goes back on, the Engineer tries to cue him, but Dreiwitz continues wiping furiously at the spot. We hear the MUFFLED EXCHANGE through the glass in the door, as McPHERSON turns the red light off. McPHERSON I'm trying to tell you you're on the air. DREIWITZ But this console is filthy. Who on earth has the gall to place coffee cups on a console with a tosewood veneer? McPherson grabs the can of polish and the rag, puts the red light back on and again cues Dreiwitz, who begins broadcasting again. GARLICK (explaining) That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz. He's impeccably clean. He's the only NCO I know of who shipped a duffle from Wisconsin that was completely Packed: with dust mops. Also, he's your roommate, so you might want to look into suicide. Muffled, we hear Dreiwitz reading the local news, European news, and news of an impending visit by former vp Richard M, Nixon, but it all sounds like he's announcing the Top 40. (CONTINUED)24 25 13. CONTINUED: 24 Dreiwitz finishes up with info on local films for GI's, where GI's can go for reputable shoe repairs, bowling, and music lessons. INT. CONTROL ROOM : 25 The red light goes off and MUSIC GOES ON. Garlick ushers Cronauer into the Control Room. Phil McPherson, the engineer, a man of 35 who's quiet, thoughtful and shuts his eyes completely to emphasize things, rises. Dreiwitz jumps up. His voice doesn't sound so much human as it does like a radio announcement. GARLICK Gentlemen, our new DJ: Airman Cronauer. DREIWITZ Whoa! Great to meet you, even though you're short! (confidential) Hey, can you say something funny right this minute? CRONAUER I doubt it. DREIWITZ (howls) "I doubt it!" Ha ha! Hilarity! The man is naturally hilarious! 1 already enjoy him more than Joey Bishop. You know, I never could fully understand the appeal of Joey Bishop. The guy just stands up, looks into a camera, and says things that have absolutely no appeal. Yet he's on TV and he stays on. Would anyone care to explain that one to me? (beat, checks time) Incidentally, your morning show begins in eight seconds. As the song "How Do You Do What You Do to Me" by Freddy and the Dreamers ends, McPherson turns on the “record” light and Dreiwitz booms: DREIWITZ ~ (continuing; into mike) And now, direct from AFRS in Crete, the smooth, smooth sound o Airman Adrian Cronauer! 7 (CONTINUED)25 26 27 14. CONTINUED: 25 CRONAUER (into mike) Gooooccoccccced morning, Vietnam. That was "How Do You Do What You Do to Me" by Freddy and the Dreamers. Not a great song, but at least you don't have to watch him do “the Freddy." A very unenjoyable dance that is not catching on. INT. LY. HAUK'S OFFICE 26 Hauk and Abersold listen at Hauk's desk. HAUK "Good Morning, Vietnam?" What the hell's that supposed to mean? ABERSOLD I guess it means, “Good morning.” HAUK And who gave anyone permission to play modern music? That's not what we program here. CRONAUER (V.0.) Anyway, it's a delightful six aM here in Southeast Asia. I'm Airman A. Cronauer, I'm on now and again at four PM. I'm delighted to be here. I love a police action. It keeps you on your toes. In fact, a good military occupation can keep you awake much better than even a very strong cup of cappucino. ABERSOLD He's funny. Like a Marx brother. HAUK I don't find him funny at all. INT, AFRS HALLWAY 27 We hear the sonorous beat of the Dave Clark Five SING- ING "Glad All Over." Hauk, obviously reacting to this, walks quickly down the hall, an annoyed man with a mission, The salutes he receives along the way are spotty at best. Colonel Taylor comes out of his office. (CONTINUED)27 28 15. CONTINUED: 27 Hauk turns on the charm which takes a little edge off his real purpose as the SONG RIPS through the hallways. HAUK Sir, hello. TAYLOR (distracted) What? Oh. Hello, Hauk. HAUK Sir, I want you to know I'll be doing everything I can to delete just this type of modern musical aberration from future programming choices. TAYLOR What? Oh, I don't know. It's kind of interesting. I find it cheerful. HAUK (astonished) What? Please qualify, sir. I thought the Colonel preferred selections by personages such as Mantovanni. TAYLOR (shrugs) It's like Mantovanni, Lieutenant, only faster and with drums. The Colonel moves on, leaving Hauk alone and confused in the hallway. EXT. SAIGON STREET 28 Two off-duty GI's sit on a bench in the noonday heat and try to keep cool with a beer while listening to a TRANSISTOR. CRONAUER (V.0.) That was the Dave Clark Five Singing "Glad All Over" which is not exactly how I feel when I step outside. Which brings me to the weather. Here's today's forecast: : (HORE) (CONTINUED)28 28a 288 29 16. CONTINUED: 28 CRONAUER (V.0.) (CONT'D) Hot today and continued unbelievably hot with a chance of tremendous heat in the morning, cooling off to a great deal of hotness later in the day, and down to just very hot tonight. ‘Tomorrow? Searing heat in the mountains, sweltering heat in the valleys, hot as hell at the beaches. In other words, tomorrow's weather will be exactly the same as today's. EXT. SHOT OF BOAT ON RIVER - DUSK 28a EXT, MARINE ENCAMPMENT NEAR MEKONG 28B A single U.S. Army helicopter hovers overhead as a handful of U.S. soldiers dig into an installation. Several sweating men listen to a RADIO off to the side. They smoke cigarettes. CRONAUER (V.0.) We've also got music by the Shirelles, as well as some groups that sing in tune. And in about an hour, after my show, your host will be Airman Dan "Red" Levitan, a quiet, introspective man with limp, damaged hair. But first here's the news cleared specifically for your enjoyment by the U.S. Army, one of the best smelling armies in the world. DISSOLVE TO: INT, CONTROL ROOM 29 About an hour later. Cronauer starts cut of the Control Room after his show. We see through the glass window of the Control Room door that the next DJ has taken over. He is a flush-faced, slim man with dingy red hair and turns out to be the man with the informa tive voice. 7 bol +++ will be speaking informally both on that and a variety of other subjects of interest. (MORE) { CONTINUED)29 30 31 iy, CONTINUED: 29 Dg 1 (CONT'D) AFRS, however, assumes no responsibility to servicemen who miss that lecture. Those interested in attending are to send a postal card to Lieutenant Thomas Melvin, The cards should be no larger than four by five inches... ed AFRS HALLWAY 30 Cronauer opens the door to the hallway where Garlick waits for him. CRONAUER (re DJ 1) He has limp, red, severely damaged hair, but does that stop him from being a fiery ball of unbelievable excitement? Not on your life! INT. AFRS - HALLWAY - (CONTINUING) 32 Cronauer and Garlick start down the hall and are soon joined by McPherson, Abersold, and Dreiwitz. Cronauer is cheerfully greeted by two MP's as the crew files toward the conference room. MPI Good show, Airman. Enjoyed it. MP II Absolutely. “Best smelling army in the world." Funny. And tru CRONAUER (overly gracious) Thank you so very much, gentlemen. Greatly appreciate the generous vote of confidence. (confidenti. Garlick) You always want to stay on beautiful terms with guys that large. 1 to INT, DJ'S RESTROOM 32 McPherson, Abersold, Dreiwitz and Cronauer enter the meeting room. A PHONE RINGS. (CONTINUED)32 18. CONTINUED: 32 Garlick runs for it and logs the call as he thanks the caller. Hauk enters suddenly and with great pride and officiousness, as always trying to appear more important, more worldly, more wanted than he actually is. He looks around the room quickly perusing the personnel. : EAUK Where's Airman Bloom? McPHERSON Asleep, sir. He was on the air all night. Levitan is on the air at the moment. BAUK (exhales) Fine. Okay. At ease. CRONAUER (looking around) Nobody's at attention. HAUK Just cool your tongue, Airman because I intend to take issu with your performance on the air. First of all, don't make fun of the weather here. And don't say the weather is the same every day here, because it's not. In fact, it's cooler today than yesterday. CRONAUER Cooler?! It's a billion fucking degrees out there. My car melted yesterday. The others laugh. AUK I'm trying to run a meeting. Firstipe? that you people never salute. I'm a Lieutenant, and I would like salutes occasionally. That's what being a higher rank is all about. Second, Programming taste: (to Cronauer) Prank, I found your "I love a police action" comment way out of line. How can you have the gall to compare the conflict in Vietnam with a glass of cappucino coffee? (CONTINUED)oO Everyone stops. There Garlick sobers quickly. ~ 19. CONTINUED: (2) 32 CRONAUER Just trying to be funny, sir. HAUK Well, do it by using comedy, not "police action" and "cofFes* remarks. Never, ever compare a U.S. supported military action with a glass of coffee, or any other beverage. Now. Programming. You are to stick to normal modes of music. Not wild stuff. Those we find acceptable here would include Lawrence Welk, Jim Nabors, Mantovanni, Trini Lopez, Perry Como, Andy Williams, and certain songs by Frank Sinatra. Understood? CRONAUER Absolutely. BAUK Now. Former Vice President Richard Nixon will be here this week. Dreiwitz, you are scheduled to cover the P.C.? GARLICK (whispers to Cronauer) He likes to say “PC” instead of “press confer: “The Lieutenant loves abbreviations. HAUK . And if you do happen to speak with him, please be polite, and informal. Okay, who do we have slated as far as live talent for November? McPHERSON We originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns. out he won't come. GARLICK He doesn't play police actions. Just wars. He likes a big room. Everyone laughs. a long beat of silence. (CONTINUED)5 « g 32 CONTINUED: 20. (3) 32 GARLICK (very quiet now) I'm sorry, sir, You're right. It wasn't funny. CRONAUER (smiles, whispers to Garlick) What are you crazy? ‘That was hilarious. ABERSOLD How about if it escalated? AUK. (about to continue) How about if what escalated? ABERSOLD (beat) ‘The Vietnam conflict. HAUK (outraged) We are not going to escalate a whole war so that we can book a big comedian. (calms down) We can get Tony Bennett. . Or Trini Lopez. CRONAUER You want to boost morale, get the Beach Boys. DREIWITZ We tried. They're on the beach now and their agent said they won't be off the sand until November. HAUK (stands) I thought I just said that kind of music was inappropriate. Knock it off now, people. Garlick: be sure to brief those DJ's who are absent on what they missed at today's meeting. The former Vice President will be here Friday. T expect every minute of the PC to be taped and broadcast within twelve hours of his arrival. Something funny, Garlick? (CONTINUED)32 33 34 21. CONTINUED: (4) 32 GARLICK (officious) No, sir. The former Vice President is a delight, sir. Abersold follows Hauk out. DISSOLVE TO: INT. AFRS HALLWAY - DAY 33 It is afternoon. A few days later. Cronauer and Garlick walk down the cool, dark hallway. As they head outside, we see through the glass in the Control Room door that another DJ is at the mike. DI 2 +++ those uniforms are supplied by the military and are, of course, cleaned and pressed free of charge... Request: Soldiers wishing to hear requests on AFRS radio can do so by mail or by any one of several military communications networks. Please be sure to include your name ranks, and infantry division, if any. The news is up next, followed by... EXT. AFRS - DAY (CONTINUING) 34 Cronauer and Garlick emerge from the cool, dark hallway into an eye-closing blast of tropical heat which fries Cronauer to his spot. CRONAUER Pardon me, Edward. Is my hair on fire? They head toward Garlick's Jeep. CRONAUER (continuing) Let's forget this Vietnam business. You and I could go AWOL. We'll catch a flight to the States. I know we're uninformed and untalented and we have no training or intelligence, but that's okay. We could write for Tv. (CONTINUED)34 35 36 22. CONTINUED: 34 Garlick jumps into the Jeep and STARTS THE ENGINE. Cronauer hops in. Garlick nervously starts up the engine, but it's already started. It makes that GRIND- ING SOUND again. CRONAUER . (continuing) I really hate that, by the way. EXT. SAIGON STREETS 35 Garlick drives slowly down humid, crowded, flower-lined streets teeming with Asians walking, Asians selling wares and flowers. American military men are clearly in evidence, but there is a peacefulness to the street, a certain lack of general preoccupation with troubling events. GARLICK There's trouble in the north, but we're securing more areas than we're losing. Saigon's safe, but you've got to exercise caution. A claymore mine that injured seventeen soldiers in the mountains last month was set by a ninety-year-old grandmother. CRONAUER My grandmother would never explode amine. She does fart, though, and believe me, it's almost as bad. EXT. WELFARE HOUSING COMPLEX 36 GARLICK Ever see any action? CRONAUER (incredulous) In Crete? The closest I came to action was when I spilled some Baclava syrup on a cab driver. He called me a pig, so I told him I had some photos of his mother ving sex with dead camels. i threw a melon and ruined my sandals. GARLICK Interesting story. (CONTINUED)36 37 23. CONTINUED: 36 Garlick parks, jumps out of the Jeep, and Cronauer follows him into a bar marked with an ugly marquee that reads, "Jimny Wah's Bar... Featuring Cocktails." INT. JIMMY WAH'S : 37 This is a darkish Chinese restaurant/bar inhabited mainly by U.S. servicemen and B-giris. A small, smiling Chinese MAN runs toward the two from the back, yelling, "Earl" in a high-pitched voice as he approaches. GARLICK It's a popular GI hangout. That's Jimmy Wah. He owns the place. JIMMY WAH Earl! Earl! Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi est (beat) Now you say "hi" to me, then you smile. Cronauer and Garlick both say "Hi" and smile. JIMMY WAH (continuing) Hey! You two Earls, What about a couple of beers? CRONAUER Are either of our names Earl? GARLICK He calls all Americans Earl. Jimmy Wah smiles coyly, then extends his leg in a ‘strikingly feminine ballet pose, waits, then turns. CRONAUER He may be a homo. GARLICK Let's put it this way. For three years he's been trying to buy naked photographs of Doi O'Connor. He says he's weractea to Donald O'Connor and some crazy ass black guy from the First Battalion, Second Infantry swore he could get him some naked pictures of the actor. I've tried to tell him it's no-go, but he doesn't stop. (CONTINUED)37 38 39 24. CONTINUED: 37 Jimmy comes back with two beers on a tray. JIMMY WAE (real confidential) Any movement on the Donald O'Connor thing? GARLICK No, and it doesn't look good. JIMMY. WAR (serving “Ba Muy Beer, Best beer in Vietnam. EVERYONE IN BAR Only beer in Vietnam. Cronauer takes a sip of beer and spits it out ina spray. JIMMY WAY (happily explaining) Formaldehyde! We put in just a touch of formaldehyde. For flavor. Some people get sick, yes, so if you have to be rushed to a hospital, then when you return I give you a free salad. POV THROUGH WINDOW TO STREET 38 Just then, like an apparition, in POV, through the window among the throngs of Asians passing by, Cronauer sees a young, slender princess of a woman carrying books. Cronauer bolts for the door. INT.. JIMMY WAH'S 39 CRONAUER (bolting up) See you. JIMMY WAH You can't go yet. You still have to taste my specialty: spicy chicken cooked with aged fish juices, salt, buttermilk and unusual Chinese flavor pellets. Very attractive dish, Earl. (CONTINUED)39 Oo 40 au 41a 42 25. CONTINUED: 39 CRONAUER (already out the door) I'll never go near it. EXT. TU DO STREET 40 Cronauer runs for the girl with Garlick in tow. The girl gets on a bus. EXT. TU DO STREET 4. GARLICK Hey! I've got a specific itinerary here. CRONAUER She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and it's just damn good to know I can love again. Now that I know that, there are a few other things I'd like to try. GARLICK We can't catch up. CRONAUER We'll buy bikes. GARLICK That'll take too long. CRONAUER Not the way I shop. EXT. SAIGON STREETS ala Cronauer politely confronts two adult Vietnamese males and hands them clumps of money for their bikes, gives one to Garlick and jumps on the other in pursuit of the bus. Garlick's bike keeps sliding from under him. He looks down and we see that the wheels are just ri GARLICK (frantic) There's no actual rubber on my tires! EXT, AMERICAN CULTURAL EXCHANGE 42 Cronauer races his bike toward this beautiful girl as she gets off the bus. (CONTINUED)43 26. CONTINUED: 42 A sign nearby reads “American/Vietnam Cultural Center. To Promote Cultural Understanding Between Peoples. CRONAUER (to girl) Hi, My name's Adrian Cronauer. I'm the person who's currently talking to you. Incredibly delicate, she stops and locks at him. Not far away, Garlick skids through an intersection on his rims, his life nearly ended by a small foreign sub- compact that comes to a SCREECHING STOP approximately a millimeter from his eyes. : GARLICK (sweating, to driver) I really appreciate your stopping. CRONAUER (to girl) Look, I'm not great at picking up girls. I never do it. Once in L.A, I tried to talk to a girl in a Mercedes. She was cute, but when I got to the car, a closer look revealed that she has a few extra fingers I hadn't counted on. I'd rather not go into details. Would you care to go to dinner, marry, have children and move to Brooklyn where life is simple and where there are excellent bakeries? The girl keeps walking. CRONAUER (continuing) You don't want to have children with me yet; totally andable. What about Int. 43 But she keeps walking, and after a moment the angelic, waif-like creature enters the building. A tall, thin Vietnamese boy of about 17 meets her in the halivay and gives Cronauer a rather annoyed look. The girl joins the boy on their way to the classroom. The screendoor SLAMS back, hitting Cronauer in the forehead. (CONTINUED)43 a4 27. CONTINUED: 43 CRONAUER (continuing) If you're not interested, I'd rather know now than have you string me along. EXT. CULTURAL BUILDING 44 Cronauer goes back around the building to the street where Garlick, shaking from his accident on rubbery legs, pulls himself and his bike up to the curb. CRONAUER (to Garlick) You're going to need some training wheels, pal. newly reverent) I was almost killed. A car bumper was this far from my nose. My whole life flashed before my eyes, but it wasn't even interesting. CRONAUER There's gotta be a way to get into the good graces of this girl. GARLICK The whole thing zoomed right by, just the way they say it does: Stamp collections, pulling chickweed from my Dad's dichondra, arranging rakes by sizes for Mom in the garage... even encapsulated in two seconds my life is dull. I find that alarming. CRONAUER (annoyed) Will you stay with me on this! How am I going to get this girl to go out with me? GARLICK You're not. This is a very different culture. They don't have dating here. You need very specific, family sanctioned introductions.45 46 a7 48 28. INT. CLASSROOM 45 Cronauer walks over to the window and looks in. In POV we see the class in progress: the beautiful girl stands at the front, talking to the teacher, a blond young soldier named SLOAN. EXT. PORCH CULTURAL CENTER 46 CRONAUER Would the teacher be allowed to go out with her? GARLICK Possibly. But it would involve a very complicated series of... hey! INT. CLASSROOM 47 But’ Cronauer is already gone. In POV we see him enter the class. We hear a vague, muffled CONVERSATION. SLOAN It's not possible. Cronauer insists that it would mean a great deal to him. SLOAN (continuing) It's not possible. Cronauer takes out money. SLOAN (continuing) It's possible. Cronauer hands him about forty dollar: takes the money and leaves with alacrity. The soldier INT. ENGLISH CLASS - SAME 48 Cronauer's now in front of the class, having no idea what to do. His students, numbering about twelve, include LE DUC, a young man; MINE, a young girl; DUOUNG, an old man who smiles a lot; PHAN, a slim teen- ager; CHIANG; a tall gawky man; TUAN, the good-looking, 17 year-old with searching sensitive eyes we saw earlier; and TRINH, the beautiful young woman Cronauer followed, and the reason he's there. (CONTINUED)29. 48 © CONTINUED: 48 oO CRONAUER 7 Okay, first I'd like you all to write down your names on a piece of paper. (to Trinh, mostly) Be sure to include your home and work phone. TUAN | (rising angrily) Sgt. Sloan our teacher. You not suppose to being here. CRONAUER (wings it) No, I received strict orders from a colonel... All I need to know now is what subject this is. One of the kids says quietly, “English.” CRONAUER (continuing) Yes! English! Fantastic language. More emotional than German, yet cleaner than Spanish. Let's begin. DISSOLVE TO: 49 SAME - HOUR LATER 49 Cronauer prompts the class as it recites from scrawl on the blackboard. Cronauer is already laughing. CLASS “The homely bachelor came out of his house and ate a fish with his mother." (beat) “The preschooler went to the bakery and swatted a fat woman on the behind.” Cronauer laughs. CRONAUER Okay. Kitchen utensils. At the board figures are drawn: a woman, a boy, and utensils marked "boy," “mother,” “sink,” “spoon,” "fork," etc. Minh waves her hand, and stands. (CONTINUED)49 30. CONTINUED: 49 MINE The... boy... go into the. kitchen, gibh his mat! fuk. The class doesn't laugh because they don't know what it means but Cronauer does. CRONAUER You'll really want to perfect that work. It's “fcrk." Everybody. cLass "Fukh." CRONAUER “Fork.” CLASS “Fukh." CRONAUER (relents) "You." A bell RINGS. The students start cut. Some like him and exit happily shaking his hand. MINE Missa Cronopp. We liking you. CRONAUER (stops) You know what? I liking you, too. DUOUNG (smiles) You teaching us American things! Okay! Pray gamo' sohftball! CRONAUER Softball. Maybe if we can find equipment. Cronauer's e as the last is still on Trinh. He starts toward her s file out. Tuan gets between him d the girl. TUAN, You forget the girl. CRONAUER I'll wait until she says no. The girl is now gone. A door SLAMS behind her.50 EXT. CULTURAL CENTER TUAN She is saying “no.” that is what slamming doors and running away from you means. CRONAUER Hey, I'm interested in the girl. I'm not the least bit interested in your love theories. ‘TUAN I know because she is my sister. CRONAUER (quickly) I would, however, like to buy you lunch. ‘Come. We'll find a delightful buffet. ‘TUAN (beat; backs away) I not like you, sir. CRONAUER Why? I've got a lovely Personality; ask anyone. TUAN You phony, Like American and French before you. Here to get something, leaving when you not get it. You come into my class. Some many people already like you. But you come for the girl. You not get her, you go. CRONAUER (stops, sincerely) I did finagie my way in for the girl, but I like the cl I'm not leaving. Come on, let's be friends. TUAN You like me because my sister. CRONAUER (£irm) I like you because you're honest. Come on. 1'11 buy you a beer. a1. 50 Cronauer give Tuan a-playful jostle and strikes what is supposed to be an endearing, sympathetic, puppy-like pose he considers hard to resist. (CONTINUED)50 52 q a2. CONTINUED: . 50 His face contorts, and it looks pretty strange, but it is kind of hard to resist. Tuan looks at him with steely eyes. ‘TUAN Your face now looks like many of the fish that is swimming in the Gulf of Thailand. Cronauer laughs good-naturedly, and gives him another jostle. Tuan tries to walk off, but Cronauer continues te block his way, with the hard to resist face. Finally the boy laughs and gives it. Cronauer takes him around the shoulder and they walk around the building as we PULL BACK. CRONAUER The tropical fish comment was an insult; don't think I didn't notice. EXT. A SAIGON STREET 51 Cronauer and Tuan walk amid the throngs of Asians. There are many food vendors in evidence. Cronaue: watches a woman serve up a dish of noodies fried with a variety of things that he does not understand. CRONAUER Is there anything on this street that doesn’t increase diarrhea? Tuan orders some in Vietnamese. A bowlful is handed to him which Cronauer pays for. TUAN You wanting some? CRONAUER No, no. I already ate this month. TUAN You can buy me lunch, but please forget about my'sister. I know Americans. They see a girl with the type breasts they like and they put her in a fancy car, then they buy her some expensive foods, and lie about money, and then try to take her into a bed. (CONTINUED)(ay 51 52 33. CONTINUED: 51 CRONAUER (about to argues then) What's wrong with that? TUAN More devout here. (frustrated) I don't know what you believe in America. But here, you must learn before you try things your way. (calmer now) What do you believe, Cronow? What do your people believe where you come from? CRONAUER I come from Long Island. we believe in shopping. INT. MARKET - DUSK 52 Cronauer spots another food vendor who spills a dark liguid sprinkled with carrot shreds and ground red chili on rice. CRONAUER What in the hell is that? TUAN He pour "Nuoc mahmm" on rice. It fermented fish juice. Very famous. You eat some? CRONAUER I'd rather die. ‘TUAN Nol It okay. TI not tell you "okay" otherwise. You like it. (smiles scornfully) You see? You don't trusting me. CRONAUER It's not you, man. I don't lik. eating anything after it ferments. ‘TUAN You mad I not trust you, but truth, you not trust me. If you want be my friend you trusting me, you would eat it. Cronauer is between a rock and a hard place. (CONTINUED)52 53 34. CONTINUED: 52 CRONAUER (looking closer) This is already fertilizer. (resigned; to vendor) Okay, one order. A large amount is handed to him in an unfortunate look- ing bowl. Cronauer puts some in his mouth and immediately grabs at his scalp, repressing a scream. ‘TUAN Good? Cronauer nods affirmatively, though we see the food is very hot. Juice spills from his nostrils. TUAN (continuing; disappointed) You not like. CRONAUER What?! Are you crazy? You can't see that I love this?! This is some beautiful sauce! Cronauer can't keep this ruse up. He begins to cough. The juice spills. CRONAUER (continuing; looking down, panicky) It's eating through my shoes! Tuan howls with laughter. So does the vendor. Passersby love this, too, many patting Cronauer af- fectionately. INT, JIMMY WAH'S - NIGHT 53 Cronauer holds the door open for Tuan. The place is packed with U.S. servicemen in a room filled with smoke and an air of chery everywhere except at the AFRS table manned by Garlick, Dreiwitz, Abersold, and McPherson. Jimmy Wah starts over. CRONAUER You know a food is too hot when you require emergency skin grafts. (calls out). Hey, Jimmy! Beers for every serviceman! (CONTINUED)35. 33 CONTINUED: 53 oD JIMMY WAH (peruses room) Two hundred fifty people. Beer two bucks each... 500 dollars. CRONAUER Beer for every Jewish serviceman. JIMMY WAH (looks around, disappointed) Four bucks. Cronauer starts over to the AFRS table. Jimmy Wah follows attempting jocularity. JIMMY WAH (continuing) Cronolousky! You're Polish! Ha ha! Cronofilli, Italian. I just joke. (suddenly sotto) I can confide in you. Look at the shape of that Master Chief Petty Officer's ankles the way they so elegantly curve into his work boots. Help me get some photos of those ankles. 1'11 give you my bar. CRONAUER You are one, crazy motherfucker. Dreiwitz notices that Cronauer has entered. His voice booms above all others. DREIWITZ Ladies and gentlemen and B-girls. Author of the comment: “Vietnam keeps you awake better than a cup of cappuccino"... Adrian Cronauer! The bar cheers. Servicemen yell comments like, "Funny, pal. You were hilarious.” "Good going" and "He's pretty short." Cronauer shakes a few hands and receives congratulatory comments from several groups of somewhat drunk servicemen. Cronauer, in an effort to extricate himself from the embraces of drunk admirers, steps on the foot of one very large, unappreciative SERGEANT. (CONTINUED)53 36. CONTINUED: (2) 53 SERGEANT 1 Hey, jerk. What the hell do you think this is. Cronauer stands only as high as his chin. CRONAUER (re: chin) This? acne. And he moves to the AFRS table. The guys are con- spiring to meet girls. McPHERSON GARLICK You were great, man. (fixated on girl) Really. Those are gorgeous gals, but it could never work DREIWITZ out. I've always had Real primo work, you trouble meeting gals. combine comedy with Especially as a young laughs as well as child. spills! McPHERSON CRONAUER Who the hell gets laid as (to Dreiwitz) a young child? And stop Why must you talk calling them "gals." like you're a Cowgirls are called documentary? "gals." Those are (re: Tuan) gorgeous French- Guys, this is a Vietnamese B-girls. student in a class I Don't ruin it by started teaching conjuring up images of today. ‘Tuan, the Dale Evans. guys. The guys, Tuan. They AD LIB greetings. GARLICK Can you believe the shape of those girls? Cronauer sees the three young, attractive Asian women who are now talking to the Sergeants we saw earlier. They have smooth legs and perfect behinds. CRONAUER Those behinds were developed by Jewish scientists in a special laboratory in Switzerla: (CONTINUED)37. 53 CONTINUED: (3) 53 ~ GARLICK ¢ We've been trying like crazy to meet them. But we haven't developed any real good opening lin CRONAUER Girls! C'mon overt! McPHERSON (slaps his head) We never tried "C'mon over.” The incredibly well structured Asian women politely leave the company of the Sergeants and amble over to the AFRS table. ABERSOLD We're not supposed to fraternize with these types. We were warned about this in a memo. DREIWITZ Relax, silly jerkoff. The girls walk right over to Dreiwitz and Garlick and o McPherson who are a little stunned. One sits in Dreiwitz' lap. DREIWITZ (continuing) Wow. Thanks for sitting on just that spot! GARLICK I don't know what to say. McPHERSON Just don't bring up anything about your coin collection. As the girls begin to settle in the two angry Sergeants we saw earlier walk over. SERGEANT 2 (ze: Tuan) Hey, who brought in the “gook"? I id who brought in the fuckin CRONAUER (MORE) I did. (CONTINUED)Cc 38. CONTINUED: (4) 53 CRONAUER (CONT'D) Hey, you fellows could make a fortune in the midwest modeling sport jackets in large men's sizes. Let's be friends. The . beers are on me. SERGEANT 1 (incredulous at his gall) What are you, crazy? Shut up. Just get him out. The Sergeant pushes Tuan in the direction of the door. Tuan accidentally hits a table leg, trips and falls. witz helps him up and wipes a drink and cigarette ash from his face. Now there is silence. Tuan rises angry but silent. Jimmy Wah, sensing difficulties, scurries over. The situation has become quite tense. TUAY (to Cronauer) We should leaving now. TIMMY WAH Good suggestion! I can make your beers "to go." Plus, free peanut butter for each of you any Tuesday. (no takers) Also, I throw in fresh egg yolks in a nice dark sauce from Thailand. (nothing) Plus money. CRONAUER McPHERSON (to Sergeant 1) Now's when I'd stop You look like you talking. just walked out of "The Great Escape." GARLICK But why do you look I'd already be home. like the Germans? JIMMY WAH (quickly interceding) He just kidding! Make jocularity. Also, he a lunatic. Just escape from big, ugly mental institution in Korea. Ha ha! Funny! (MORE) (CONTINUED)53 ~ 39. CONTINUED: (5) 53 JIMMY WAH (CONT'D) (angry, to Cronauer) Go to Milwaukee. I'm serious. I'll pay. SERGEANT 1 Look, pal. Let's avoid trouble, okay? This is a GI bar. It's the only time we get away fron "gooks." We don't like "gooks” and don't want them here, okay? JIMMY WAH (poo pooing) Everybody say “gooks." But then they buy many hors d'oeuvres from me and I go out and buy a Peugot. (putting arms around the warring factions) Let's all be swell companions! CRONAUER (long beat; to Sergeant 1) You know, I've traveled far and wide. Been all over the world. Seen lots of people in lots of places. People in a variety of different shapes and sizes and colors. But regardless of where you go you rarely ever see a man this large, with this deep a voice, and this much muscle who has absolutely no penis. But the Sergeant is incredulous. JIMMY WA Wait! He means that as a compliment! And in this instant Cronauer uses all his might to smash the Sergeant squarely in the abdomen. McPHERSON (shuts his eyes) Not the right move. The Sergeant falls back. His friend grabs Cronauer nd throws him halfway across the room. Dreiwitz punches at the Sergeant but hits him in the neck. The Sergeant grabs Dreiwitz and breaks a mirror with him. In short order the bar is one, large mess. A brawl. (CONTINUED)Sa 54 55 40. CONTINUED: (6) 53 Furniture and bottles are hurled with speed and regularity. The place is out of control in no time, JIMMY WA (running, screaming) Men! Men! Be nice! Please! Don't throw chairs. You ruin interior design when you break my Walls. Stop! Thieves! Catastrophe! EXT. JIMMY WAH'S 54 MP's eject a soiled Tuan, a bruised and bleeding Cronauer and a dozen others. They lie in the street. TUAN (giving in) Okay, you can meet my sister. INT. SGT. MAJOR DICKERSON'S OFFICE 35 Dickerson sits at his desk looking down at some papers ina file. Cronauer stands before him, bruised and cut below his eye. Dickerson looks up at Cronauer with a smile that you know is not connected to anything pleasant. DICKERSON Real predictable. Cronauer is about to speak. DICKERSON (continuing; rising, enraged) You shut your fucking hole You don't talk, you don't speak, you Hon" ven Teun Getll F tell sou that it's all right, AND IT'S NOT FUCKING ALL ATGaR Dickerson slams his chair against his desk. He walks from his desk halfway around the room and turns as fast as a rocker arm. ; DICKERSON (continuing) Talk... (CONTINUED)41. $5 CONTINUED: 55 CRONAUER Couple of guys provoked me. Pushed around my friend. He was defenseless... DICKERSON So you start a brawl. Turn a Place upside down. The intelligent way of handling it. (thunders) Do you know how ridiculous it makes me look that a man under my command starts a fucking bar brawl? You're not going to last here, pal. CRONAUER Send me back to Crete. I'll get back to work on my tan. DICKERSON You think this is a joke? I can certainly come up with alternatives other than Crete. I'm real good with stuff like that It took some doing but I've So gotten people stuck in places they : haven't even considered how to get out of yet. You don’t think I can come up with something good? Can ou_envision some fairl Hiacersceive-aleernstivee? CRONAUER (quietly) Yes, sir. DICKERSON A restaurant brawl; that's one. Stay cool, Cronauer, because if youire involved in anything again, £ you're even within range of something that happens, 1°11 show you how much a debt to me can cost. Am I being fairly clear? CRONAUER Yes, sir. DICKERSON Now get the hell out of my sight. Cronauer exits.56 57 58 59 42, INT. CRONAUER'S ROOM - EARLY 56 CLOSE ON Marty Dreiwitz's large face as he stares into the face of the sleeping Cronauer. CRONAUER (re: Dreiwitz' face) I don't believe this face! I was having a nightmare that was much more enjoyable. DREIWITZ Get up, sleepyhead. You're late. CRONAUER Late?! It's still yesterday in a lot of places. DREIWITZ The last guy who was late was shipped up north. And he just sent us a very ugly card from somewhere in Cambod: INT. BATHROOM 37 Dreiwitz heads downstairs. Cronauer jumps up, grabs his shirt and shoes and starts through the hallway in his shorts, throws water on his face, putting some water in his mouth from one sink and spitting the water into another sink on the way. GARLICK You should wear pants, sir. Very basic requirement. INT. HALLWAY AND STAIRS 58 Cronauer grabs pants and puts them on as he runs down the hall and downstairs. He grabs the news from the teletype machines, reads it over, then runs the sheets quickly into. INT. CONTROL ROOM AREA 59 +, the moustached GUYS in the Office of Public Information who peruse it for content. CRONAUER ‘Morning, guys. (CONTINUED)59 So 60 61 43. CONTINUED: 59 Guy 1 Guy 2 ‘Morning. Hello. CRONAUER Are these guys amazing or what? The Public Information officers continue to scan the sheets, circling sections in red. SOLDIER I The stuff circled in red you don't read. CRONAUER Why the heck not? SOLDIER I Because it's what's going on here, and that's unofficial news, that's why not. (£irm) Okay? Cronauer is a little taken aback. The sheets are handed back to him. Upset by this, he is about to say something, but thinks better of it, checks his watch, and leaves. INT. CONTROL ROOM 60 ‘The end of the song "Expressway To Your Heart." McPherson cues Dreiwitz who has just made it into the room. The red light goes on. DREIWITZ It's six a.m.; here's Adrian Cronauer. Cronauer runs through the door in the nick of time, initialed news sheets flying through the air with him, He jumps at the mike. CRONAUER Goooocced morning, Vietnam! Delightful day here in Southeast Asia, home of rice. EXT. TAN SON NHUT AIRPORT 61 There are twice as many transport carriers on the runway as we last saw. (CONTINUED)61 62 62a 623 44, CONTINUED: 62 Several score Marines and Army combat troops disembark from each. Supplies are unloaded. Air traffic needs to be directed by ground workers with ear protectors and paddles. Helicopters land. Over this we hear: CRONAUER (V.O.) Now, the headlines. England sentenced two spies yesterday. EXT. MEKONG DELTA 62 Units composed of perhaps 25 men construct a supply depot, as other materials are flown in by Navy choppers. Over this, we hear: EXT. SHOTS ON BOAT 62a CRONAUER (V.O.) Ivan Penkovsky, a former Soviet official, and Grenville Wyatt, an English businessman, confessed to passing British secrets to the Soviet Union. Penkovsky was sentenced to be shot. Wyatt was ordered to hang around undressed for a few weeks with naked Ukranian women. “It's not fair,” Wyatt was reported saying, "that he gets to be shot and I don't." EXT. MEKONG DELTA 628 An army exercise is taking place in this quiet, marshy area along the Mekong River. Ground forces set up a supply depot as helicopters hover overhead. U.S. Navy gunboat floats downriver. Several men listen to a large transistor as Cronauer's VOICE BLARES over this. CRONAUER (V.0.) Now, here's Walter Cronkite with the latest from Weather Central. Walter? (as Cronkite) Thank you, Adrian. Hot and shitty weather ten for today with a chance of continued hot and shitty weather tomorrow. A couple of men laugh. A couple of other men try to get closer to the radio to hear what they're missing.45. 63 INT. CONTROL ROOM (CONTINUING) 63 Cronauer at the mike. McPherson at the turntable. CRONAUER: +++ continued crappy and uncomfortable tomorrow, with a chance of annoying weather on the weekend, followed by pain-in-the- butt weather early next week... Now, "Chapel of Love" by the Dixie Cups. “A super "Oldie" even though they just recorded it three weeks ago. The song goes on, and Hauk enters frantically. AUK (referring to notes) What the hell was that... "Crappy weather, Shitty weather,” convicted spies sleeping with overweight women. CRONAUER It's comedy, sir. EAUK Comedy?! ‘This is not comedy. o Comedy is fun. Antics. Hysterical type things. CRONAUER “Hysterical type things?" Airman Cronauer requesting you to elaborate, sir. HAUK Antics, dammit. Comedy of errors. Like Reystone Kops. Falling down. General wackiness like that. CRONAUER McPHERSON ABERSOLD Falling down, sir? That definitely I don't think Would anybody see you wouldn't work on a anybody'd see a if you fell down on radio. person fall through radio, sir? a field radio, sir, EAUK (to Abersold) Shut up. (to Cronauer) You are a maniac. And you'd better start changing your life. (CONTINUED)q 63 64 65 66 46. CONTINUED: 63 CRONAUER Sir, I don't agree with your judgments or sensibilities and I'm fot sure I like all that you stand for. But that doesn't change the way I feel about your pompadour; you have a very nice one; it's a delight. McPherson can't help spitting coffee out of a laugh at this one. Hauk, about to leave, turns red with rage and storms out. INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM 64 This is a large room furnished with desks, chairs, phones and maps. Several GI's answer phones in an attempt to keep up with the large volume of calis. Gil GI2 Thank you, sir. I'11 No, I'm sure. I'm pretty let him know. positive that wasn't (picks up) Walter Cronkite, sir. AFRS. Thanks, sir. (beat) I'll be sure to tell Because Walter Cronkite hin. is not in the mountains (takes another) above Ban Me Thout. Thanks for holding. (beat) Yes, sir, I checked. I don't know, sir. The Soviet penal think he lives in system never Westchester. sentences convicted spies to time in bed with fat, Ukranian women. It was a joke, sir. EXT. AMERICAN CULTURAL EXCHANGE 65 It's a beautiful, sunny, clear day. The skies are bi Asians pass quickly on the streets with carts and loads of wares and food. EXT. PLAYGROUND 66 A BELL RINGS. Cronauer and his cli building. The class laughs playfu: hysterical. emerge from the + Trinh's (CONTINUED)47. CONTINUED: 66 MINH OLD MAN Mr. Cronow! We like Yes! yes! your lessons. - Better than the book! PHAN When you teaching us softball? CRONAUER When there's time. MINE Where you come from? CRONAUER Queens. Bayside Queens. TUAN What are Queens? CRONAUER Tall men with moustaches who wear macrame skirts. The class just looks at him. Tuan translates this into Vietnamese and falls on the floor, howling with laughter. The Old Man coughs, then burps. CRONAUER (continuing; to Old Man) You're really picking up this language beautifully, Nguyen. Cronauer is about to approach Trinh. ‘Tuan blocks his way. ‘TUAN Be relax, already, nervous and anxiety American. I make the Proper-arranging for you with Trinh. You meet her tomorrow on Tu Do Street near the "Viet Hoa," by the food and flower vendors where you burn your mouth on the noodles. But I warn you, you not like it when you get there; you say, "It ridiculous." CRONAUER Why? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.67 68 48. EXT, TU DO STREET 67 Cronauer stares without expression or enthusiasm. After a moment we see what he's unenthusiastic about: Trinh is there, flanked, surrounded by chaperones. Relatives, old and young, in front and behind her, to each side of her; there are about nine Asian flankers. TRINE (explains quietly) Chaperone. CRONAUER (mutters) This is very, very ugly. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SAME - HOUR LATER 68 Cronauer walks somewhere near Trinh her chaperones close at hand. ‘TRING In Vietnam... family often come... you meet someone... you meet Someone... CRONAUER An added advantage is that at any _time during the date, we can field a ball team. How are your great- grandparents in the infield? The city is hot and damp. The entourage walks past a street vendor selling unspeakable foods -- fish drip- pings, unappetizing, sweltering things, crumbly things on rice, dried rodents. Most of Trinh's group orders food. Trinh too. Not Cronauer. She holds some up for Cronauer. CRONAUER (continuing; backing away) As they say in Texas -~ El Paso. It is incumbent upon Cronauer to pay for everyone; he does. ‘The group continues on munching. Cronauer and Trinh walk in front now. He peers back at the vietnamese nine. CRONAUER (continuing; mumbling) This'll be a tough nut to crack sexually. (CONTINUED)49. 68 CONTINUED: 68 ‘They. walk. CRONAUER (continuing) You are very beautiful. I'm not used to such a quiet girl. In New York it's different. One girl I went out with from Long island talked so much they connected her to a wind turbine. She now creates enough electricity to power a small New Hampshire town. TRINE You talk, I think, very much. CRONAUER Because your beauty makes me nervous. TRINH I don't want make you nervous, Cronow. I know you very nice and for trusting you is the best on the gently of what you say or never to be for this for both the same and another. CRONAUER = I lost you there at the end, babe. ‘TRINH (laughs) What you do in america? CRONAUER (shrugs) We wait inside until things go on sale. ‘TRINE (laughs) No! Imeani Girls! CRONAUER Dating rituals? You want me to familiarize you with American : dating rituals? First we sleep together. Then we eat a salad. Then, if there's time, we go to a movie. That way you're not always going out-with strangers. (CONTINUED)