Unit III: Building and Maintaining Relationships

Module 9: Personal Relationships

Reading: WHAT DO WE MEAN BY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS?

The concept of relationship is very broad and complex. In our model, personal relationships refer to
close connections between people, formed by emotional bonds and interactions. These bonds often
grow from and are strengthened by mutual experiences. Relationships are not static; they are
continually evolving, and to fully enjoy and benefit from them we need skills, information, inspiration,
practice, and social support. In our model there are three kinds of personal relationships:
1. Family
The concept of "family" is an essential component in any discussion of relationships, but this varies
greatly from person to person. The Bureau of the Census defines family as "two or more persons who
are related by birth, marriage, or adoption and who live together as one household." But many people
have family they don't live with or to whom they are not bonded by love, and the roles of family vary
across cultures as well as throughout your own lifetime. Some typical characteristics of a family are
support, mutual trust, regular interactions, shared beliefs and values, security, and a sense of
community.
Although the concept of "family" is one of the oldest in human nature, its definition has evolved
considerably in the past three decades. Non-traditional family structures and roles can provide as much
comfort and support as traditional forms.
2. Friends
A friendship can be thought of as a close tie between two people that is often built upon mutual
experiences, shared interests, proximity, and emotional bonding. Friends are able to turn to each other
in times of need. Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler, social-network researchers and authors of the
book Connected, find that the average person has about six close ties—though some have more, and
many have only one or none.
Note that online friends don’t count toward close ties—research indicates that a large online network
isn’t nearly as powerful as having a few close, real-life friends.
3. Partnerships
Romantic partnerships, including marriage, are close relationships formed between two people that are
built upon affection, trust, intimacy, and romantic love. We usually experience this kind of relationship
with only one person at a time.

Reading: A RESEARCH STUDY ON RELATIONSHIPS

A sample of 1,110 adolescents assessed nine aspects of their relationships with their mother, their
father, their best same-sex friend, their most important sibling, and their most important teacher. These
aspects were admiration, affection, companionship, conflict, instrumental aid, intimacy, nurturance,
reliable alliance, and satisfaction with the relationship. Early adolescents (11 through 13 years of age)
gave higher ratings than did middle (14 through 16years of age) and late (17 through 19 years of age)
adolescents for all relationships on most attributes. Except for intimacy and nurturance, middle
adolescents' ratings were higher than those of late adolescents but only for some relationships. The
observed trends are interpreted with respect to several social, social cognitive, and cognitive changes
taking place over the span of adolescence.

Reading: WHY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT

Healthy relationships are a vital component of health and wellbeing. There is compelling evidence
that strong relationships contribute to a long, healthy, and happy life. Conversely, the health risks
from being alone or isolated in one's life are comparable to the risks associated with cigarette
smoking, blood pressure, and obesity.

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Research shows that healthy relationships can help you:
• Live longer. A review of 148 studies found that people with strong social relationships are 50% less
likely to die prematurely. Similarly, Dan Buettner’s Blue Zones research calculates that
committing to a life partner can add 3 years to life expectancy (Researchers Nicholas Christakis
and James Fowler have found that men’s life expectancy benefits from marriage more than
women’s do.)
• Deal with stress. The support offered by a caring friend can provide a buffer against the effects of
stress. In a study of over 100 people, researchers found that people who completed a stressful task
experienced a faster recovery when they were reminded of people with whom they had strong
relationships. (Those who were reminded of stressful relationships, on the other hand, experienced
even more stress and higher blood pressure.)
• Be healthier. According to research by psychologist Sheldon Cohen, college students who reported
having strong relationships were half as likely to catch a common cold when exposed to the virus.
In addition, 2012 international Gallup poll found that people who feel they have friends and
family to count on are generally more satisfied with their personal health than people who feel
isolated. And hanging out with healthy people increases your own likelihood of health—in their
book Connected, Christakis and Fowler show that non-obese people are more likely to have non-
obese friends because healthy habits spread through our social networks.
• Feel richer. A survey by the National Bureau of Economic Research of 5,000 people found that
doubling your group of friends has the same effect on your wellbeing as a 50% increase in
income!

On the other hand, low social support is linked to a number of health consequences, such as:
• Depression. Loneliness has long been commonly associated with depression, and now research is
backing this correlation up: a 2012 study of breast cancer patients found that those with fewer
satisfying social connections experienced higher levels of depression, pain, and fatigue.
• Decreased immune function. The authors of the same study also found a correlation between
loneliness and immune system dysregulation, meaning that a lack of social connections can
increase your chances of becoming sick.
• Higher blood pressure. University of Chicago researchers who studied a group of 229 adults over
five years found that loneliness could predict higher blood pressure even years later, indicating
that the effects of isolation have long-lasting consequences. According to psychiatrists Jacqueline
Olds and Richard Schwartz, social alienation is an inevitable result of contemporary society's
preoccupation with materialism and frantic "busy-ness." Their decades of research support the
idea that a lack of relationships can cause multiple problems with physical, emotional, and
spiritual health. The research is clear and devastating: isolation is fatal.

Reading: 25 MOST COMMON RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

Here is the list of the most common relationship problems most often encountered by couples
1. Affairs / infidelity / cheating. This includes emotional infidelity, one-night stands, internet
relationships (including ‘sexting’), long- and short-term affairs and financial infidelity
2. Sexual Issues, particularly loss of libido and including questions around your gender, or your
partner's gender
3. Significant differences in core values and beliefs
4. Life stages – you have ‘outgrown’ each other or have ‘changed’ significantly for whatever reason
5. Traumatic and/or Life-Changing Events
6. Responses to prolonged periods of Stress, such as Work-Related Stress, long-term illness, mental
health issues, Financial Problems, problems with the children, infertility and many more
7. Bored in or with Your Relationship
8. Dealing with a jealous partner
9. Having 'blended' family issues
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10. Domestic violence, which includes verbal as well as physical abuse: THE most serious
relationship problem.
11. Knowing you should not have got married in the first place!
12. Lack of responsibility regarding finances, children, health and many other issues
13. Unrealistic Expectations- still thinking your partner / spouse is the princess / knight and not
seeing the 'real' human being
14. Addictions - substance abuse
15. Excessive reliance on social media, at the cost of the relationship
16. Lack of support during particularly difficult times from people that matter to you
17. Manipulation or over-involvement in your relationships with family or friends
18. Lack of communication about important matters
19. Poor division of and / or one-sided lack of responsibility for chores and tasks. It is not always
women who complain about this relationship problem!
20. Perceived lack of concern, care and consideration / attentiveness: feeling the relationship is
one-sided is a big one!
21. Significant personal disappointments and traumas that lead to a change in relationship dynamics
22. Long term depression or other mental health issues suffered by one partner or both
23. Significant differences in opinion on how to discipline / deal with the children
24. Long-term stress, particularly when not taking responsibility for doing something positive to
address the cause, or about learning to handle it if it cannot be changed
25. An unsupportive partner during pregnancy and/or significant problems after the birth of your
baby.
We wouldn’t be surprised if you have found that you are experiencing several of these relationship
problems, but you know what? However difficult this time is for you we promise you that this too
will pass. We are rooting for you and we know that you will be happy again. You don’t have to wait
and hope for better times – together we can do something about it now! The person you love (or
used to love) was always bound to hurt you - it's sadly a fact of life and we all do it to each other.
However, we can become better at solving our relationship problems by taking responsibility for
ourselves.

Reading: NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

1. Connect with your family
One of the biggest challenges for families to stay connected is the busy pace of life. But Blue Zones
research states that the healthiest, longest-living people in the world all have something in common:
they put their families first. Family support can provide comfort, support, and even influence better
health outcomes while you are sick. Relationships and family author Mimi Doe recommends
connecting with family by letting little grievances go, spending time together, and expressing love
and compassion to one another. Of course, the same practices apply to close friends as well. This is
especially important if you don’t have living family, or have experienced difficult circumstances,
such as abuse, that would make it difficult for you to connect with your relatives.
2. Practice gratitude
Gratitude is one of the most accessible positive emotions, and its effects can strengthen friendships
and intimate relationships. One 2010 study found that expressing gratitude toward a partner can
strengthen the relationship, and this positive boost is felt by both parties—the one who expresses
gratitude and the one who receives it. Remembering to say “thank you” when a friend listens or
your spouse brings you a cup of coffee can set off an upward spiral of trust, closeness, and
affection.
3. Learn to forgive
It’s normal for disagreements or betrayal to arise in relationships, but your choice about how to
handle the hurt can have a powerful effect on the healing process. Choosing to forgive can bring
about a variety of benefits, both physical and emotional. Fred Luskin, head of the Stanford
Forgiveness Project, says it’s easier to let go of the anger or hurt feelings associated with a
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 circumstance if you remind yourself that much of your distress is really coming from the thoughts
and feelings you are having right now while remembering the event—not the event itself. Don’t be
afraid to clearly articulate why you are upset, but once the other party has listened, be willing to lay
down your anger and move on.

4. Be compassionate
Compassion is the willingness to be open to yourself and others, even in painful times, with a
gentle, nonjudgmental attitude. When you feel compassionate toward another person—whether a
romantic partner, friend, relative, or colleague— you open the gates for better communication and a
stronger bond. This doesn’t mean taking on the suffering of others, or absorbing their emotions.
Rather, compassion is the practice of recognizing when someone else is unhappy or whose needs
aren’t being met and feeling motivated to help them. We are an imitative species: when compassion
is shown to us, we return it.
5. Accept others
It is also important to be accepting of the other person in the relationship. Obviously, this does not
apply in situations of abuse or unhealthy control, where you need foremost to protect yourself. But
otherwise, try to understand where the person is coming from rather than judge them. As you do for
yourself, have a realistic acceptance of the other's strengths and weaknesses and remember that
change occurs over time.
6. Create rituals together
With busy schedules and the presence of online social media that offer the façade of real contact,
it’s very easy to drift from friends. In order to nurture the closeness and support of friendships, you
have to make an effort to connect. Gallup researcher Tom Rath has found that people who
deliberately make time for gatherings or trips enjoy stronger relationships and more positive energy.
An easy way to do this is to create a standing ritual that you can share and that doesn’t create more
stress—talking on the telephone on Fridays, for example, or sharing a walk during lunch breaks, are
ways to keep in contact with the ones you care about the most.

7. Spend the right amount of time together

Gallup researchers Jim Harter and Raksha Arora found that people who spend 6-7 hours per day
socializing (which could mean hanging out with friends, sharing meals with family, or even
emailing a colleague) tend to be the happiest. In contrast, those who have zero interactions (or an
exhausting overload of social time) feel more stressed. Knowing when to give your time to others
and when to take some time for yourself can be crucial in maintaining balanced, healthy
relationships as well as emotional well being.

Reading: TEN RULES FOR FINDING LOVE AND CREATING LONG-LASTING

AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS
1. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST
Your relationship with yourself is the central template from which all others are formed. Loving
yourself is a prerequisite to creating a successful and authentic union with another.
2. PARTNERING IS A CHOICE MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO THRIVE
The choice to be in a relationship is up to you. You have the ability to attract your beloved and
cause the relationship you desire to happen.
3. CREATING LOVE IS A PROCESS
Moving from “I” to “we” requires a shift in perspective and energy. Being an authentic couple is an
evolution.
4. RELATIONSHIPS PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW
Your relationship will serve as an unofficial “lifeshop” in which you will learn about yourself and
how you can grow on your personal path.
5. COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL

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 The open exchange of thoughts and feelings is the lifeblood of your relationship.
6. NEGOTIATION WILL BE REQUIRED
There will be times when you and your partner must work through impasses. If you do this
consciously and with respect, you will learn to create win-win outcomes.

7. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE CHALLENGED BY CHANGE

Life will present turns in the road. How you maneuver those twists and turns determines the success
of your relationship.
8. YOU MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO THRIVE
Treasure your beloved and your relationship will flourish.
9. RENEWAL IS THE KEY TO LONGEVITY
Happily ever after means the ability to keep the relationship fresh and vital.
10. YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS THE MOMENT YOU FALL IN LOVE
You know all these rules inherently. The challenge is to remember them when you fall under the
enchanting spell of love.

Reading: KEEPING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Good relationships are fun and make you feel good about yourself. The relationships that you make in
your youth years will be a special part of your life and will teach you some of the most important
lessons about who you are. Truly good relationships take time and energy to develop. All relationships
should be based on respect and honesty, and this is especially important when you decide to date
someone.

In a healthy relationship, both partners:

 Are treated with kindness and respect
 Are honest with each other
 Like to spend time together
 Take an interest in things that are important to each other
 Respect one another’s emotional, physical and sexual limits
 Can speak honestly about their feelings

Love should never hurt

Dating relationships can be wonderful! But while it’s important that dating partners care for each
other, it’s just as important that you take care of yourself! About 10% of high school students say
they have suffered violence from someone they date. This includes physical abuse where someone
causes physical pain or injury to another person. This can involve hitting, slapping, or kicking.
Sexual abuse is also a type of violence, and involves any kind of unwanted sexual advance. It can
include everything from unwelcome sexual comments to kissing to intercourse. But abuse doesn’t
always mean that someone hits or hurts your body. Emotional abuse is anything that harms your
self-esteem or causes shame. This includes saying things that hurt your feelings, make you feel that
you aren’t worthwhile, or trying to control who you see or where you go.

Remember, you deserve healthy, happy relationships. Abuse of any type is never okay.
ABUSE AND ASSAULT
Love should never hurt. But sometimes it does:
 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime
 1.5 million women are sexually assaulted or otherwise physically abused by their partners each year.
 Over 800,000 males are sexually or physically abused by partners.
 Abuse can occur in any type of relationship--gay and straight, casual and long-term, young and old.
 About 10% of high school students say that have suffered violence from someone they date.

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If you are – or have been – in a relationship where you were mistreated, it’s very easy to blame
yourself. The problem is with the abuser, though, not you. It’s not your fault! Anyone can be abused
– boys and girls, men and women, gay or straight, young and old – and anyone can become an abuser.

Break the Silence: Stop the Violence

It may shock you to know that one out of every eleven teens reports being hit or physically hurt by a
boyfriend or girlfriend in the past twelve months. But why is that, and how can we change it? In
"Break The Silence: Stop the Violence," parents talk with teens about developing healthy, respectful
relationships before they start dating.

HOW TO COMMUNICATE
Talking openly makes relationships more fun and satisfying; especially when you both talk about
each other’s needs for physical, emotional, mental and sexual health. You can’t expect a partner to
know what you want and need unless you tell them. The simple fact is that none of us are a mind
reader--so it's important to be open about your needs and expectations.
In a romantic relationship, it is important to communicate openly on issues of sex and sexual health.
The decision to enter into a sexual relationship is entirely up to you, and you always have the right
to say "no" at any time to anything that you don't feel comfortable with. Remember, there are many
ways to express love without sex. If you do decide to become sexually active, there are things about
which you do need to communicate.
Though talking about sex can feel a little scary, many people find that when they get up the nerve to
talk about sex, their partner really appreciates it. Most likely they've been trying to work up the
nerve, too! Many respect a partner even more once they've brought up the topic of sex. It is ok to be
nervous--that lets you know that what you are doing is both important to you and also exciting.
Remember though: it is a good idea to talk about any sexual subject before you get all hot and
bothered, but this is especially important for topics which require logical thinking skills, like safer
sex expectations. Most of us don't act rationally in the heat of the moment. Think about your
boundaries ahead of time, and discuss them with a partner when you are not currently in a sexual
mood. If you are turned on, you are less likely to make the decision to use a condom or another
barrier if your partner has a different agenda. Having the conversation before you are in a sexual
situation makes it more likely you will be able to act according to your own boundaries and
preferences.

So what's to talk about?

 Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs): This is actually an issue that all teenagers and adults must
be aware of. Anybody who engages in sexual activity is prone to have this one.
 Possibility of Pregnancy: Females who engage in sex have a high percentage of putting themselves
in this kind of situation.
 Right time for sex: You can consider your current status as a student if it is really high time to be
involved in this kind of activity. Will this make or break your future?
 Boundaries: Making the decision to set your limits in a relationship shows your maturity to assert
your priorities and respecting yourself.

MAKING THE DECISION: DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO HAVE SEX

The decision of whether or not to have sex is up to you, and you alone. Therefore, don’t be afraid
to say "no" if that’s how you feel. Having sex for the first time can be a huge emotional event.
There are many questions and feelings that you may want to sort out before you actually get "in the
heat of the moment."
Ask yourself:
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 Am I really ready to have sex?
 How am I going to feel after I have sex?
 Am I doing this for the right reasons?
 How do I plan to protect myself/my partner from sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy?
 How am I going to feel about my partner afterwards?

The best way to prepare for the decision to have sex is to become comfortable with communicating
about your needs. If you don’t feel right about something, say so! Anyone who challenges your
choices about whether or not to have sex is not giving you the respect that you deserve. Pay attention
to your feelings, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for making decisions that are right for you.
There are countless nonsexual ways to show someone you love them. You can show a person you care
for them by spending time with them. Go to the movies. Or just hang out and talk. If you are with
someone you really like, then anything can be fun.
There are also ways to feel physically close without having sex. These include everything from kissing
and hugging to touching each other. Just remember that if you're not careful these activities can lead to
sex. Plan beforehand just how far you want to go, and stick to your limits. It can be difficult to say
"No" and mean it when things get hot and heavy.

TALKING TO YOUR PARENTS

You probably think that talking to your parents about sex is impossible. You're not alone; 83 percent of
kids your age are afraid to ask their parents about sex. Yet 51 percent of teens actually do. So... kids
are not only talking to their parents about sex, they're also benefiting from conversations they were
afraid to have in the first place! Lucky them, right? The truth is that most parents want to help their
kids make smart decisions about sex. They know it's vital for teens to have accurate information and
sound advice to aid the decision-making process.
If you think your parents are really nervous about raising the issue, you're probably right. Many
parents think that if they acknowledge their child as a sexual being, their son or daughter will think it's
okay to go ahead and have sex. They might also be afraid that if they don't have all the answers, they'll
look foolish. Some parents have said they're afraid kids will ask personal questions about their sex life,
questions they won't want to answer.

Think about all the adults in your life. Is there someone else's parent . . .a teacher or guidance
counselor, coach, aunt, uncle, neighbor or another adult you instinctively trust? That's the person who
will give you straight answers.
Your friends really don't know any more than you do, no matter what they say about their sexual
experience. The Internet, and other media, can't give you everything you need. Only people who know
you can do that.
Peer pressure is always tough to deal with, especially when it comes to sex. Some teenagers decide to
have sexual relationships because their friends think sex is cool. Others feel pressured by the person
they are dating. Still others find it easier to give in and have sex than to try to explain why not. Some
teenagers get caught up in the romantic feelings and believe having sex is the best way they can prove
their love.
But remember: Not every person your age is having sex. Even if sometimes it feels like everyone is
"doing it," it is important to realize that this is not true. People often talk about sex in a casual manner,
but this doesn't mean they are actually having sex.
Knowing how you feel about yourself is the first big step in handling peer pressure. It's OK to want to
enjoy your teen years and all the fun times that can be had. It's OK to respect yourself enough to say,
"No, I'm not ready to have sex."

How to avoid peer or date pressure?

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If you're worried about being pressured or you are currently experiencing it, know that you are not
alone and there is something you can do about it.
 Hang out with friends who also believe that it's OK to not be ready for sex yet.
 Go out with a group of friends rather than only your date.
 Introduce your friends to your parents.
 Invite your friends to your home.
 Stick up for your friends if they are being pressured to have sex.
 Think of what you would say in advance in case someone tries to pressure you.
 Always carry money for a telephone call or cab in case you feel uncomfortable.
 Be ready to call your mom, dad or a friend to pick you up if you need to leave a date.
 Never feel obligated to "pay someone back" with sex in return for a date or gift.
 Say "no" and mean "no" if that's how you feel.

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

In a survey of young people ages 15-24 by the Kaiser Family Foundation, 9 out of 10 people
surveyed reported that their peers use alcohol or illegal drugs before sex at least some of the
time. Seven out of 10 also reported that condoms are not always used when alcohol and drugs are
involved. Twenty-nine percent of those teens and young adults surveyed said that they've "done more"
sexually while under the influence of drugs or alcohol than they normally would have when sober.
The effects of drugs and alcohol can make it hard to think clearly, let alone make the best possible
decisions about sex. While you're under the influence of drugs or alcohol it is easy to make a decision
you'll regret later--decisions that can lead to a sexually transmitted infection or an unwanted
pregnancy. Even worse, there are some people who will use the effects of alcohol and other drugs to
force you into having sex with them.

Reading: BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

• The right to emotional support
• The right to be heard by the other and to respond
• The right to have your own point of view, even if this differs from your partner's
• The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real
• The right to live free from accusation and blame
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
• The right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered

In addition to these basic relationships rights, consider how you can develop patience, honesty,
kindness, and respect.

Patience: Patience is essential to a healthy relationship. There are times when others will respond to us
in a way that is disappointing. When this occurs, it important to communicate our disappointment,
but also to give the other person space. Be willing to give the person some time to reflect, indicating
that you are ready to talk when they are ready. If the person is never ready to discuss the situation,
you may need professional help to resolve the issue, or ask yourself whether or not you want to
continue the relationship.
Honesty: Honesty is another essential quality in healthy relationships. To build honesty in a
relationship, you should communicate your feelings openly, and expect the other person to do the
same. Over time, this builds trust.
Kindness: Kindness is extremely important to maintaining healthy relationships. You need to be
considerate of others' feelings and other people need to be considerate of yours. Be kind when you
communicate. Kindness will nurture your relationships. Note that being kind does not necessarily
mean being nice.
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Respect: Respect is a cornerstone of all healthy relationships. If you don't have respect for another
person, it will have a negative impact on all of your interactions. Think of a time when you
encountered someone who didn't respect you. How did it feel? What are some ways that you show
respect to others?