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 BDSM Jumpstart
How to Enter the BDSM Lifestyle & Community

Table of Contents
Table of Contents 2

Introduction 4

Guidelines & Disclaimers 4

Risks of Engaging in BDSM 4

Vetting 101 6
How to Vet 6
Vetting Practice #1: Observation 6
Vetting Practice #2: Inquiry 7
Vetting Practice #3: Become Vettable 8
More on Vetting 9

Social Media 9
Fetlife 10
What is Fetlife? 10
What is Fetlife best used for? 10
Top Features 10
Setting up your Profile 11
Fetlife Best Practices 12
Alternate Social Media Profiles 12
Facebook 12
Instagram 13
Mainstream Social Media Best Practices 13

Education 15
Reading is FUN-damental 15
Research 15
Reach Out 16

Real Life Kink 17

Safety 17
Safety Philosophies and Practices 18
Safe Calls 20

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 Events 21
Munches, Parties & Classes Oh My 21
Event Best Practices 23
Play Time 24
Tools & Toys 25
RED - If and WHEN things go Wrong 27

Closing 28

Coaching, Appearances, Workshops & Retreats 29

Coaching 29
Coffee & Cocktails Conversations 29
BDSM Jumpstart Coaching 29
Vision Setting for Your BDSM Journey 29
Appearances 30
Workshops & Retreats 30

About 31
The Author, majordomo, slave Sassy Nikki Nia 31
The House of Nia 32
Master Seykou Nia 33

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Introduction
This BDSM Jumpstart Guide is for those who are ready to enter into the BDSM lifestyle,
real time, and don’t know where or how to start. As well as for those who have been out
of the community/lifestyle for some time and/or those who perhaps did not get the best
start and would like to restart their journey. This guide covers the basic foundations of
vetting, social media, educational resources, attending events, negotiating scenes,
consent and more.

Guidelines & Disclaimers

Copyright © 2021 by L.Evans dba Sassy Nikki Nia

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or

transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other
electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher
(Sassy Nikki Nia), except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and
certain other non commercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests,
write to the publisher via: [email protected]

While this guide has been written by me, slave Sassy Nikki Nia, a verified, vettable,
experienced and successful person within the BDSM Community (see About section), all
information is to be utilized at your own risk. I, nor any person, product or organization,
referenced in this guide assume any liability for the use of the information contained
herein.

Risks of Engaging in BDSM

First, please note that in all 50 States of the United States of America and in the majority
of countries around the world, the practice of BDSM activities is considered illegal,
regardless of consent, although prosecution is rare. For example, impact play is
essentially assault and one cannot, legally, give consent to assault.

Secondly, your employer may or may not have policies that govern your employment
such as morality clauses or other policies, stated or unstated, in which your participation
in or association with BDSM activities could adversely affect your job status.

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Thirdly, your participation in or association with BDSM activities could adversely affect
the outcome or disposition of any family court matters, now or in the future. While not
necessarily legal grounds for legal decisions, BDSM involvement has made these types
of proceedings very difficult for many.

Please practice responsibly, safely and with discernment and discretion. It is not only
YOU who may be affected, but all those you engage with as well.

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 Vetting 101
To Vet, or Vetting is a common term used within the BDSM to describe a method of
safeguarding oneself within this lifestyle, but it is even more common for people to
misunderstand, misuse or misconstrue what vetting actually is.

Vetting is the act or process of appraising or checking a person or thing for suitability,
accuracy, or validity.

Full Stop.

Vetting is NOT a relationship or dynamic status

Vetting is NOT a milestone in one’s journey
Vetting is NOT an interview phase
Vetting is NOT a synonym for a “consideration” phase
Vetting is NOT just for a potential partner or playmate

Vetting is to be utilized for EVERY person, place, thing, organization, event, presenter,
teacher, book, social media page, group etc you encounter, especially within BDSM.

And no one needs to know you are doing it because you should be doing it continuously.

How to Vet
You will need to apply these vetting best practices to each of the sections in this guide.

When vetting, you are simply determining if the person, place or thing IS what it says it is
and is about what it says it’s about. Is the person, place or thing suitable for what you are
looking for? Is the person, place or thing accurate in their knowledge and practices? Is
the person, place or thing validated by or supported by other ‘reputable’1 & vettable
sources?

Vetting Practice #1: Observation

The vetting practice of observation is rarely taught or recommended to those in BDSM

but is more effective in vetting than asking 20 questions, initially.

If you observe a person, group, venue or event, over enough time, both virtually AND in
real life, you will be able to determine not ONLY their suitability, accuracy, or validity but
also their knowledge, likes, dislikes, preferences, experience, skills, desires, kinks and
fetishes.

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Reputable is subjective to individual perspective, bias, experience, exposure and other factors.
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In order to vet via observation, you must actually be in the spaces those or that which
you are vetting are in, consistently. This allows you to obtain more and more information
about the person, place or thing, including their interactions with others, giving you the
ability to compare and contrast what you are hearing and seeing for yourself, and what
others are doing and saying regarding the same topic, person, place or thing.

Vetting via observation is NOT stalking or lurking, it is not a private investigation either.
There should be no shame or secret in wanting to know more about someone or
something.

Observation also allows you the opportunity to ask questions and seek clarity on that
which you have observed in order to assist you in making determinations of suitability,
accuracy, or validity.

Vetting Practice #2: Inquiry

Now that you have observed a person, place or thing that you are interested in, from afar
and/or up close, and are still interested in learning more, begin asking questions.
Through the process of observation, you should have some information that will allow
you to ask pertinent questions.

And it can be very, VERY simple to begin:

“Hi, my name is ___________ and I am interested in ____________.

Would you mind sharing your thoughts or experiences with ____________________?”

Or

“Hi, my name is ___________ and I am interested in ____________.

Do you know who I could contact or where I could learn more about ______________?”

Or

“Hi, my name is ___________ and I heard, read, saw ____________.

Would you mind expounding on, helping me understand, explain _________________

or direct me to someone who could?”

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Many who are active in the BDSM lifestyle and especially those active in various
communities are typically approachable for vetting. Whether you are vetting them,
someone or something close to them or if through your observation, you believe they are
a good source of information.

You may also use the vetting practice of inquiry to verify the suitability, accuracy, or
validity of a person by asking them, where or who they learned a specific thing from (if,
through observation you have not heard /seen them cite who they learned from). And if
from a person, asking that person directly if in fact they shared with or taught that person
that thing. If from a book or other resource, researching and reading that resource for
yourself and vetting the author(s).

One of the BIGGEST RED FLAGS is if someone cannot or will not cite who or where
they learned a thing from. If someone “can’t be vetted” it’s because they can’t be
determined to be suitable, accurate, or valid.

Vetting Practice #3: Become Vettable

A final uncommon vetting practice is becoming vettable yourself. This guide will assist
you with establishing yourself, both on and offline, in the BDSM lifestyle and community
in such a way that others may get to know you, observe you and inquire about your
suitability, accuracy, or validity.

Finally, and MOST IMPORTANTLY:

VET LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, BECAUSE IT DOES

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 More on Vetting

When you are newly interested in or introduced to BDSM, CONTEXT MATTERS! Don’t
just take the advice of the first kinky person you encounter, the first person to speak to
you at a munch or event or from the first page you find on the interwebs.

In this CONTEXT, BDSM isn’t any different than your “regular” life. If you were
considering doing something new and risky, would you take the advice of a stranger off
of the street? NO you wouldn’t (or I hope you wouldn’t). You’d take the advice of
someone who has done what you are looking to do and have had positive results. You’d
ask them questions or listen to them speak or observe how they move through that
environment to determine a few things:

● They have experience doing the thing you want to do, not just able to talk about it. Do
they do the thing IN REAL LIFE or do they just post about it on social media?

● They give references to who taught them, mentored them or helped them on their
journey. If they can’t give you references or citations to where they learned or who can
vouch for what they say they know, RED FLAG!

● They have references for those who have engaged or interacted with them in a similar
capacity. If they can’t give you ANY positive references, RED FLAG!

● They are able to ask YOU questions to determine if they are the best resource for you or
if someone else may be better able to give you the direction you seek. Asking questions
is a sign of a good listener and one must be able to listen well in order to respond well.

Additionally, all vetting is not the same or for the same purpose.

Vetting an individual for their particular skill set for a BDSM activity, such as whips,
paddles, canes or floggers, or bottoming for a type of BDSM activity is different from
vetting a person for a dynamic or relationship.

Ms. Toppy Top, may not be great at having successful relationships, but she may be a
Master at throwing whips.

Mr. subby submissive, may seem kind of brash and standoffish, but is highly skilled in
areas of service and LIGHTS UP when able to share his LOVE for it.

The older couple hanging around may not play often, or intensely, but they have been in
a Master/slave dynamic for 20 years!

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Social Media
In this current time and space, the Internet and social media are the dominant means by
which people learn, connect and gain access to the BDSM lifestyle and community. This
section will guide you to the most popular/common social media sites used for this
purpose and how to best navigate them.

The first thing you want to do before you even begin utilizing social media for BDSM and
Kink, is to have a separate email account that you will use in general for BDSM/Kink.

Fetlife

What is Fetlife?
Fetlife is a website and social media platform geared towards all alternative lifestyles,
such as kink, BDSM, Leather, Swing, Poly, etc. Also commonly referred to as “fet” or the
“red & black site” as the exact web address and name can be flagged on other social
media platforms. (www.fetlife.com)

What is Fetlife best used for?

Fetlife is best used for reading and research, finding events (on and offline), connections
and establishing your BDSM footprint.

Top Features

1. Glossary: If you scroll to the bottom of any fetlife page you will find a glossary
that contains A LOT of BDSM/Kink terms and phrases. And you don’t have to
sign in/up to access it.
2. Sexy Photos and Videos Allowed: Unlike most mainstream social media
platforms. However, do read the Terms, Guidelines and Policies
3. More Freedom of Speech: You won’t get flagged for standard curse words or
other words that are now flagged on mainstream social media. However, again,
do read the Terms, Guidelines and Policies, especially on group pages.
4. An ABUNDANCE of information to read: Yet, realize that this platform is
accessible to any and everyone who signs up for an account, not all information,
opinions and perspectives are accurate, safe or sane. Vet, Vet, Vet

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Setting up your Profile

Profile Names: If you plan on going out and about in the BDSM community and want to
use your fet profile as a means of making connections and/or as the name you would
like to be addressed as, I recommend selecting a profile name that 1) is easy to refer to
you as and 2) that it is not already being utilized by long-standing community members,
THE SEARCH BAR AND GOOGLE ARE YOUR FRIEND!!!!!

Profile Picture: NOT A CLOSE UP OF YOUR GENITALS or NAKED CHEST or ASS.

While you do not HAVE to post a face pic as your profile pic, it’s best to select a photo
that gives other users the confidence that you are a REAL person. Your profile pic will
be what other users see EVERY TIME you post anything or message them.

Location: You will notice A LOT of people who are located in Antarctica on fetlife. For
most, they are not interested in being discovered or engaged with based on their
location, for whatever reason. However, I recommend using an accurate location, even
the nearest big city or town as it will help you navigate events and highlight other people
near your area that you may want to connect with.

Age/Gender: You will notice A LOT of 99 year old folks on fetlife, well at least that is
what their profile says. This is because many people do not want to input their actual
age or birth year on the website for whatever reason. It’s not a critical component of your
profile UNLESS you are specifically interested in certain age groups. As for your gender,
there are several options that you may select which is best for your most authentic
expression.

Role: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE A ROLE THAT DESIGNATES YOU AS A

D-TYPE (Dominant/Master/Mistress/Left Side of the slash) or s-TYPE (submissive,
slave, girl, boi/boy, babygirl, right side of the slash). Especially if you are not sure yet or
just getting started. There are PLENTY of other roles to choose from and if none fit,
Exploring or Kinkster are great starts.

About: The About section of one’s profile often seems intimidating at first. What do you
put in there??? I recommend browsing a few profiles to get a feel for what you may want
to include in your about section. Find me as SassyNikki_Nia on fet. But moreso, I
recommend putting SOMETHING in your ‘about’ section, even if it is as simple as “I’m
new to this.” Other users want to get some sense of who you are and what you are
about when they visit your profile page.

Additionally, I highly recommend stating how you prefer to be engaged with on fetlife, if
at all, in terms of friend requests, messages and comments on your posts. For example,
you may follow me, SassyNikki_Nia but DO NOT friend request me, please and thank
you.
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Fetlife Best Practices
1. Introductory Messages: It is very much appreciated and respectful to send
someone a message before requesting them and asking if you may do so.
Especially if you have not met or engaged with them previously.
2. Groups: There are TONS of fetlife groups created by users for various lifestyles,
kinks, fetishes, topics, organizations, events etc. Be mindful that the groups you
join are visible on your profile page. For example, if you want to be taken
seriously, don’t join the group named “DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY”
3. Vetting: Fetlife is a great way to find people to vet other people, places and
things, as well as establish yourself so that you may be vettable. You can also
read through someone’s profile to observe who and what they are and what they
are about.
4. Events: Many BDSM events rely on fetlife as one of their main means to
promote and invite others to their events. Your location will determine which
events show up first under the Events section of fetlife.
5. Safety: Refrain from sharing personal and sensitive information about yourself
and your life. Refrain from getting “caught up” in drama, pseudo
dynamics/relationships and/or arranging to meet people in non-public places or at
un-vetted events.

Alternate Social Media Profiles

With the ‘popularity’ and some acceptance, BDSM and Kink has found its way to a lot of
mainstream social media platforms, including Facebook, Instagram and TikTok. And
while these platforms have explicit terms, conditions and community guidelines that
hinder or censor a lot of BDSM information and activities, some kinky users have
managed to use these social media sites successfully, with lots of caution.

Facebook
You may or may not be able to create a separate “kink” facebook profile. Currently,
Facebook requires a verifiable, actual name/person to create new accounts. However, if
you can manage to create a new profile, using a version of your preferred “kink” or scene
name or nickname, that ‘looks’ like a regular name, do so. Again, use that dedicated
email address to set up your profile.

From here, you may not find the BDSM/Kink gates wide open and easily discovered, you
will now have a profile in which you can connect with others in this lifestyle who are on
Facebook, as well as follow reputable pages and events through Facebook.

Be mindful that Facebook has strict terms and conditions and community guidelines
concerning speech and photos.

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Instagram

Most of the above applies to Instagram as well since they are owned by the same
company. Yet, Instagram DOES allow you to select a profile name that doesn’t have to
be a “real” or verifiable name.

Mainstream Social Media Best Practices

If you do manage to create alternative, BDSM/Kink profile pages on either Facebook or

Instagram, here are some best practices.

1. DO NOT use your face or other identifiable photo as your profile pic. Profile pics
are public for all to view.
2. Make your account PRIVATE
3. BLOCK your main/vanilla profiles. This helps to prevent the algorithms from
suggesting your kink profiles to those on your vanilla profiles, as well as, prevent
your kink profile from suggesting friends, family and co-workers from your vanilla
profile. Especially if you are using the same device to log in and out of both
accounts.
4. BLOCK EVERYONE you DO NOT want to discover your alternate pages.
5. Don’t request/friend random profiles because they seem kinky or because you
saw them in a kink group.
a. Just Ask - in a public forum, such as commenting on a post, if you may
inbox or request
b. Read their profile/public information to determine if they have preferred
methods of contacting them
c. The majority of BDSM/Kink pages, groups and individuals on mainstream
social media keep their accounts private. It is very much appreciated and
respectful to send someone a message before requesting them and
asking if you may do so. Especially if you have not met or engaged with
them previously.

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Reputable PUBLIC Social Media Pages to follow:

Instagram
1. Perverts of Color - @pervertsofcolor
2. Carter Johnson Library -@cj_library
3. Orpheus Black - @orpheus.black.12
4. Surrender & Mastery - @surrenderandmastery
5. The House of Nia - @thehouseofnia
6. Casey Carter - @thecaseycarterexperience
7. The Kink Hub - @thekinkhub
8. Kink Academy - @kinkacademy
9. Karada House - @karada_house
10. Mister Solomon Abrams - @mistersolomonabrams

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Education
Reading is FUN-damental
One of my first recommendations to BDSM newbies for education are BOOKS, actual,
hard-copy books. The reason for this is that when one has published a book through
traditional means, that book has been vetted and has received review and critique, both
from a literary standpoint but also from peers within this lifestyle. If a book is horseshit,
you will be able to find those reviews quite easily. Invest in a few BDSM focused books
to begin reading. This will give you a foundational knowledge of terms and concepts to
better prepare you to engage/connect with others.

Recommended Authors

Non-Fiction
Dr. Robert J Rubel (Dr_Bob on fetlife)
Orpheus Black (www.orpheusblack.com)

Fiction
Laura Antoniou (www.shop.lantoniou.com)
Shakir Rashaan (www.shakirrashaan.com)

Recommended Titles

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, Molly Devon & Philip Millers
Slavecraft, a grateful slave with Guy Baldwin, M.S.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink, Tristan Taormino
Playing Well with Others, Lee Harrington & Mollena Williams-Haas
The Loving Dominant, John Warren
To Love, To Obey, To Serve, V.M Johnson
Erotic Surrender - The Sensual Joys of Female Submission

Research

Yes, reading is fundamental, but it's like a foreign language if you don't understand the
terminology, concepts or real world application. Utilizing the fetlife glossary & search bar
and other known kink resource guides, such as The Ultimate Guide to Kink, will help you
learn the common definitions/descriptions of what you may come across while reading.

Study as much as you can about a particular kink, fetish, person, group, role you identify
with AND it’s counterpart (if there is one) that interests you. Go beyond JUST social
media and fetlife… find websites, ACTUAL books and classes. Buy a nice BIG journal,
take lots of notes and journal your thoughts on the subject matter.
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Use what you have studied to find the authors and learn more about them (vet them),
find others who have similar and opposing thoughts, lifestyles and philosophies and
learn more about them (vet them), continue to research the labels, related topics and
language used.

Research Recommendation: BDSMwiki.info

Reach Out
Reach out to others about that which you have studied and researched. That which has
captured your interest most or that which you understand the least, yet desire to.

Ask questions, engage in discussions, post comments, share your thoughts and notes in
order to gain clarity, as well as ensure how you are communicating your understanding
and desires is clear to others.

As with all interactions with others in this lifestyle, being Respectful, Receptive &
Responsible will be more effective and beneficial to you on your journey than anything
else.

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Real Life Kink
Now that you have a kinky online profile somewhere and have obtained some book
knowledge, you may be ready to get out into the community.

When thinking about actually stepping out into the BDSM community, IN REAL LIFE, it
may make you want to VOMIT! You haven’t been this nervous about meeting new
people since your first day of middle school. But every time you even THINK about going
to that local munch or BDSM event your stomach flips and you talk yourself out of it.

All types of thoughts run through your head:

🤢 I don’t want to go by myself, I’m scared. I don’t know what to expect

🤢 What if I say or do the wrong thing? What do I wear?
🤢 What if someone I know is there?
🤢 I just want to see what it’s like, I don’t want nobody touching me
🤢 What do I do if I’m uncomfortable?
Trust me when I say, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Many folks felt the same nervousness, excitement AND anxiety, but it doesn’t have to be
that way.

Safety
Staying safe while exploring BDSM spaces is part standard safety practices, such as:

● Know where you are going

● Have reliable transportation to and from the event
● Bring your phone charger
● Stay aware of your surroundings
● Letting someone know where you are going (which can be tricky for BDSM, more
below)

Yet, there are additional safety practices specific to BDSM that can add an extra layer of
protection and reassurance to those new to the real time community.

Vet, Vet, Vet

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 Use your vetting practices to:

● Research the venue, hosts and presenters/teachers

● Contact the Host and let them know you are new and if they would share
information that may be helpful; especially regarding location, attire, what you’ll
need to gain access to the event and what you can expect overall

● Browse the attendee list; you may even contact some to vet the event, venue,
hosts etc

● Ask the host or an attendee to connect you with someone to be your “tour guide”
- they may greet you, walk you in, show you around and give you information to
help you have the best time possible. Many events have volunteers who
specialize in assisting new folks.

Safety Philosophies and Practices

Another way to help ensure one’s safety and health within the BDSM lifestyle is to
practice and adhere to one of the following acronyms:

S.S.S - Safe, Sane & Consensual

In the BDSM community, safe, sane and consensual (SSC) are common
principles guiding relationships and activities.

The principles are that BDSM activities should be:

Safe: attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health

Sane: activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible frame of mind
Consensual: all activities should involve the full consent of all parties involved.
Note, though, that legal consent may not create a defense to criminal liability for
any injuries caused; furthermore, this is not necessarily limited to physical injury.
Most attribute the term SSC to David Stein, who coined it in August 1983 for
GMSMA. In his essay entitled Safe Sane Consensual: The Evolution of a
Shibboleth, Stein states that the term was created “to distinguish the kind of S/M I
wanted to do from the criminally abusive or neurotically self-destructive behavior
popularly associated with the term ‘sadomasochism’.”2

2
Leatherpedia.org
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R.A.C.K - Risk Aware Consensual Kink
Risk-aware consensual kink (RACK, also risk-accepted consensual kink) is an acronym
used by some of the BDSM community to describe a philosophical view that is generally
permissive of certain risky sexual behaviors, as long as the participants are fully aware
of the risks.

RACK’s tenets are best described by a deconstruction of the acronym:

Risk-aware: Both or all partners are well-informed of the risks involved in the proposed
activity.
Consensual: In light of those risks, both or all partners have, of sound mind, offered
preliminary consent to engage in said activity.
Kink: Said activity can be classified as alternative sex.
While “Safe, Sane and Consensual” (SSC) attempts to describe and differentiate BDSM
from abuse in ways that are easy for the non-BDSM public to comprehend, RACK differs
from it in that it acknowledges that nothing is ever 100% inherently safe. By
acknowledging that what may be safe or sane to one person may not be considered the
same to another, the RACK philosophy tends to be more inclusive of activities that
others may consider as edgeplay. There is no “safe” or “not safe” within RACK, only
“safer” and “less safe.”
RACK can also be described as a mindset which pays more attention to perhaps
unexpected consequences of BDSM play. Its theory revolves around reasoned, ex-ante
commitment, including the possible consequences of riskier play. In contrast, SSC
revolves around the end results of play, or the ex-post. It tries to minimize any potential
harm despite the risks BDSM players might be willing to partake in. Both philosophies
aim to minimize foreseeable harm, but RACK puts more emphasis on individual
commitment to possible risk, beforehand, while SSC tries to minimize total harm
foreseeable over the longer term. Thus, RACK adherents stress the value of individual
prior consent to even risky fun, while the SSC contingent counters that people often do
not choose as freely as they seem, they might behave irrationally at times, and so the
consequences of rash individual choice perhaps ought to be mitigated from the start.3

P.R.I.C.K - Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink or Personally Responsible

Informed Consensual Kink

PRICK came about as an improvement to RACK. It states if everyone takes personal

responsibility by informing themselves of the risks involved, then you can have
consensual kink.4

3
Leatherpedia.org
4
https://kinkycuriosity.com/
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Safe Calls
A Safe Call is a safety practiced utilized by many in alternative lifestyles, such as BDSM,
Kink, Sex Work, Swing etc. especially when meeting someone privately. A designated
person of your choosing can act as your Safe Call. Their purpose is to know where you
are going, the actual location, and who you are going to be with, and not just their “scene
name” but identifiable, verifiable identity. This information can include a photograph,
their full name, address, license plate, phone number etc. You should be willing to
provide the same type of information.

If someone who wants to meet you, in a non-public setting, privately, but is unwilling to
provide you with this type of information, to keep you BOTH safe, RED FLAG. DO NOT
MEET THEM.

To fully enact a Safe Call, you and the designated person must agree on what type of
action and support to provide. Typically, a Safe Call person will check in with you via
phone or text at a specific time or intervals that requires you to either have an actual
voice/video conversation with them or a specific text response that only you two know
what it is and what it means.

For example, your Safe Call Texts: “What do you like on your pizza?”
Your Response: “I LOVE PINEAPPLES!” (this is to mean you are safe and feel secure
with the person you are meeting with)

Or

You respond with: “I HATE PINEAPPLES!” (this is to mean you don’t feel secure and
may be in danger)

If you do not respond to the agreed upon method of contact and checking in, confirming
your safety and security or your need & ability to leave safely, your Safe Call MUST be
willing to call local authorities IMMEDIATELY and provide them with the information you
obtained from the person you are meeting with, as well as, your information.

If you do not have a person currently in your life who you feel comfortable and confident
in being your SAFE CALL, you may inquire in your local community or with those you
have met, either online or in person, if they would be willing to be your Safe Call or
recommend someone who can. Remember to VET VET VET!

Safe Calls are SERIOUS and should be treated as such. Do not be irresponsible and
inconsiderate if you have elected to use a Safe Call by ignoring check-ins, allowing your
phone battery to die or be out of your possession during the check-in time(s) agreed
upon.

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Events

If your local area has events you should definitely consider attending them, even if they
may not seem like what you are most interested in. Local events not only cater to
specific lifestyles, kinks and fetishes, but they are attended by people who may have
knowledge of even more events or groups you may not have come across.

If your specific area does not have events or groups that you can begin engaging with,
look at surrounding areas and nearby larger cities.

Munches, Parties & Classes Oh My

Munch: A low-pressure, social gathering at a restaurant or bar (or other public venue)
for people into BDSM. Particularly intended for people new to the scene who might be
intimidated by a play party or a dungeon or larger event.

Typically, attire for a munch is street clothes, those you would wear for meeting friends
out for drinks or dinner. Some may feel comfortable enough to wear some “light” kink
wear or dress a little “edgy”, but it all depends on the individual, the venue and what the
host of the munch recommends.

There should not be play or other BDSM activities at a munch. Sometimes, groups will
use the word “Munch” in their event title even though there is play or other BDSM
activities that occur. In my opinion these “munches” are suspicious and I’d advise against
attending them as it does not promote the purpose of a munch.

Use your vetting practices to be sure.

If you enjoyed your first munch, I recommend you attend regularly, as well as, find other
munches to check out. Munches are also an excellent way that you can vet others and
they can vet you.

Again…

As with all interactions with others in this lifestyle, being Respectful, Receptive &
Responsible will be more effective and beneficial to you on your journey than anything
else.

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Play Party/Dungeon Event: This is exactly what it sounds like, an event in which
BDSM activities will take place, along with socializing or other activities. For this type of
event, most hosts/venues require that you be “vetted” according to their vetting
standards. Remember, there are risks to participating in or being associated with BDSM
activities (see Guidelines and Disclaimers). This may include signing up for an email list
or “membership”, giving a referral of someone who has met you or has had interaction
with you (i.e. why attending munches and reaching out online to people in your area is a
great idea!), verifying your real name and that you are of age, according to their policies,
reading and agreeing to rules, signing waivers, or even meeting an agent of the venue or
group at a munch or in a public place for coffee, for example, or requiring you to attend
an orientation class.

Regardless of your level of experience, BDSM Play Parties/Dungeon Parties and Events
do not require you to participate in or view anything you do not expressly choose and
consent to. No one is going to touch you, coerce you or do anything to you. The host or
venue should be readily accessible and provide attendees with how and who they can
bring any concerns to before, during and after the event.

Observe, Observe, Observe. Vet, Vet, Vet.

Ask questions and share with others who you are and what you are interested in at
appropriate times and to the appropriate people. How do you know when and who?
Take advantage of the resources available to you, such as the host, volunteers and
attendees in designated social areas.

Classes: Hopefully your local or regional area offers classes and discussion groups that
you can attend. These are great opportunities to learn more about what you’ve read in
books or online, or have observed at munches or parties/dungeons. It is also a great
way to meet other like-minded people, vet people, groups and events and allow yourself
to become vettable.

And if your local or regional area does not offer classes or discussion groups, there are
plenty of online classes, discussion groups and gatherings that you can attend. Social
Media is great for finding these as well.

Regional/National/International Events: These large events are often referred to or

named Conferences, Intensives, Weekends, Contests etc. and take place over a full day
or two, a long weekend or even a full week in or near a host hotel. Just like any other
special interest group conference, you will find lots of classes, events, parties, meals and
other activities, as well as, attendees, presenters and vendors from all over the world.
Even some whose books you may have read or social media pages you’ve come across,
and even more, you will find people of all levels of experience, skills and knowledge who
are eager to connect.

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These larger events require a larger investment for travel, lodging, meals and other
incidentals associated with attending an event over a few days, as opposed to local
munches or parties which only last a few hours.

Event Best Practices

Follow some of these best practices when attending events in person:

1. Bring ID & CASH: One, the hosts need to verify you are who you say you are
and are of age and Two, if there is an admittance fee, not all events are able to
take electronic payment.
2. Contact the host (see Vetting 101 and Safety) to ensure you are aware of all
requirements and feel comfortable.
3. Many local area groups and venues have specific “Newbie” nights that are great
to attend and meet others that are also new and probably feel exactly like you.
4. Attire/Gear - Don’t overspend. Munches should not require specific attire, neither
should classes or discussion groups. Parties or other specific events may
require a certain dress code, typically the same as any social venue whether that
is a dance club or upscale restaurant, based on their preferences. I’d refrain from
investing a lot of money into attire until you are more familiar with that particular
area or group or event.
Tip: Dressing your best for an upscale nightclub is always a great option.
5. “Collars” are both a great kinky accessory as well as a significant status symbol
or statement within the BDSM Lifestyle. Some simply like the “look” of wearing a
collar while for others it signifies their relationship/dynamic status, or their
role/identification. If you are unpartnered and lean toward the right side of the
slash (submissive, slave, service-oriented etc) and choose to wear a collar to any
BDSM/Kink event, be aware that others may assume you are in a relationship or
dynamic and may not choose to interact with you. Of course, sometimes that’s
exactly what you want.
6. Consistency in showing up: By showing up regularly to events, you will get to
know lots of different people, perspectives, lifestyles and gain a lot of knowledge
that you simply can’t get online. Additionally, it is one of the TOP ways to vet
others and become vettable.
7. If you feel a little awkward or uncomfortable at an event the first time or it wasn’t
what you expected/wanted, I encourage you to give it a few chances (as long as
you were safe and not threatened or vehemently offended).
8. Don’t limit yourself to seeking events that are a specific type of group or
demographic. Your goal is to find QUALITY, REPUTABLE groups, events and
people to engage with.
9. Again…As with all interactions with others in this lifestyle, being Respectful,
Receptive & Responsible will be more effective and beneficial to you on your
journey than anything else.
10. HAVE FUN!!!!!!

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Play Time

Once you are attending real time events where BDSM activities, often referred to as
“play” or “scenes” or even skill classes and demonstrations, are taking place, you may
desire to experience those things as well. Sometimes even before you have learned
thoroughly about a particular activity or how to negotiate. Therefore, I am going to give
you a FEW tips and best practices on how to more safely engage in “Pick up Play.”

Pick Up Play is defined by most as either engaging in BDSM activities with someone for
the first time or with someone who you are not in a relationship/dynamic with. The best
way to do this as a person new to BDSM and real time interactions is to ASK and have a
conversation FIRST. Ask someone who you’ve gotten to know (VETTED) through
munches, classes or events.

This person could be the person you’d like to experience the activity with. Approach
them and let them know you are new and would like to experience ___________. Ask,
would they be willing to have a conversation with you about possibly doing that now or in
the future?

This person could be someone who you feel comfortable getting a recommendation
from. Again, approach them and let them know you are new and would like to
experience ___________. Ask, would they be willing to recommend someone who
would possibly be interested in doing that with you now or in the future for you to have a
conversation with?

These “conversations” are essentially vetting practices to determine if there is a good

match, vibe and interest of all parties and happen before anyone agrees to anything.

Once this conversation takes place and all parties are in agreement that they would like
to CONTINUE discussing and possibly begin negotiations.

Negotiations for BDSM activities, in short, clearly state what each person would like to
experience, how, why and when. Negotiations are also a time to get very explicit in
detail about those things and clarify any confusing points or statements. Negotiations are
also to divulge ALL pertinent information of both parties, including but not limited to
physical status/disposition, boundaries, restrictions, limitations, mental state, medical
history and emotional state.

Being new to BDSM activities, there is a good chance that you do not know ALL the
types of activities or implements or scenarios that COULD occur with play on in a scene.
In order to mitigate not knowing what you don’t know, I recommend those new to BDSM
activities utilize “On the Table” negotiation practices.

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This means that ONLY what you specifically discuss and agree to (consent to) is what
can occur during play or a scene or is “on the table.”

On the Table negotiations can include specifics such as:

● Only these specific implements or “toys”
● Only on my butt or back
● Don’t touch my breasts/chest or genitals
● Only spanking
● My feet and face are OFF the table

This way you know EXACTLY what will occur and how. Now you can confidently consent
to the play or scene. (Of course proper vetting of the person you are negotiating with has
taken place, RIGHT?)

During Play or Scenes: Once you have negotiated a scene and begin, avoid
“mid-scene” negotiations or renegotiations during play. Many BDSM activities promote
and amplify our bodies’ chemical responses, including adrenaline and endorphins.
These chemical reactions alter our mental, emotional and physical states in such a way
that may cause us to agree to things we normally wouldn’t or act in a way that is not
typical for us.

Communication keeps everyone safe. Agree upon how, when and why a safeword is to
be used and USE IT. Check in regularly with your play partner. Adjust or stop the scene
whenever necessary.

After Play or Scenes: After engaging in BDSM activities, either the Top or bottom, need
recovery time. This is often called aftercare. However, the term and act of aftercare has
many different meanings, expressions and purposes to various people. This should be
discussed during negotiations. However, you do not have to do aftercare like other
people do aftercare. The point of aftercare is to ensure that all parties can mentally,
physically and emotionally recover from the activities. Give yourself enough time and
space after a scene before doing any other activity that requires your full alertness and
abilities i.e. negotiating another scene, engaging in another scene, driving.

If you are not “ready” to experience a “scene” but are curious what certain implements or
“toys” feel like, either giving or receiving, you can simply ask that specifically.

Approach them and let them know you are new and would like to experience
___________. Ask, would they be willing to show you or allow you to see what
__________ feels like?

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You should read and research all you can about BDSM activities, scenes, negotiation
and consent through the resources and recommendations previously discussed in this
guide. Attend as many classes, discussions and other environments (i.e. munches,
virtual gatherings) where you can learn these critical and crucial skills from those more
experienced.

Tools & Toys

BDSM implements, tools or commonly referred to as “toys” are exciting and fascinating.
They can also be expensive for quality, custom made items. As you enter the BDSM
landscape, don’t overspend on items initially through your excitement, especially if you
have not secured learning how to use them appropriately, safely and effectively.

Yet, when it comes to actual BDSM implements and tools, you get what you pay for. The
quality of an item will very much affect the safety and effectiveness of an item. Stay
away from Wish, Amazon and other off brand websites for either toys or attire.

Additionally, there are many “everyday” items that are FANTASTIC BDSM implements.
These are often called “pervertables.” If you are being mindful of how much you are
investing in BDSM gear, ask around for suggestions of regular items that are good to use
in BDSM activities.

Use your vetting practices to inquire with others about reputable vendors, craftspeople
and teachers, as well as, recommendations for someone of your experience and skill
level to begin assembling your “toy bag.”

The above applies whether you identify as a Top (someone doing the things to someone
else) or a bottom (someone getting things done to them) or a Switch (someone who likes
both positions in a scene).

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Play/Party Bag

When you are attending BDSM parties, dungeons or events where BDSM activities take
place, I always recommend that you bring a Play or Party bag. This bag could include
the following items:

● Implements, Tools & Toys

● Change of clothes: Whether you are changing INTO your kink outfit after you
arrive at the event or if you would like to change OUT of your kink attire after the event
● Blanket or something to cover up/keep warm: Whether the space is chilly, often
they are, or if there is an outdoor area for socializing or smoking, you’ll want to be warm
or cover up your kink attire from the public.
● A drink and snack: Not all events have access or provide drinks, food or snacks.
Hydration and ensuring one has nutrients available is a great idea for before and after
play.
● Phone Charger
● Necessary Medications - Use an epipen? Have severe allergic reactions? Use
Insulin?
● An Emergency Contact Card
● Anything else that you think you need to be prepared for what you intend to
happen at the event.

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RED - If and WHEN things go Wrong

This guide is not fully comprehensive to everything that BDSM has to offer or that one
could encounter when engaging in these types of activities or with this lifestyle’s
community members.

Unfortunately, many new people in this lifestyle have an unfounded trust and belief that
this lifestyle and those involved are somehow more altruistic, honorable, respectful and
safer than the vanilla population. That is completely FALSE. We are all simply humans.

If and WHEN something happens that you did not anticipate or intend to occur there are
several ways to process those things, inform others and shift how you interact or engage
with others to minimize the chance of it happening again.

Consent Violations - These are VERY serious and should not be taken lightly. This is
when a person’s consent was NOT obtained for something or the person withdrew their
consent but the other party did not stop the activity or interaction. No means No. Stop
means Stop. Safeword often means Stop.

Consent Incidents - These are less clear cut. Accidents and mistakes happen. A
consent incident is when something occurs that no one intended or anticipated, yet the
outcome requires unforeseen attention or mitigation.

Accountability & Responsibility - Take full accountability and responsibility for yourself
and your actions. Yet, also know who you are engaging with and who they are
accountable to and responsible for (VET).

Outing & Doxxing: Outing is the public disclosure of a person's secret or largely
unknown activity or interest, especially when thought to be embarrassing or
compromising. Including disclosing a person’s government name, employment, family
relationships, school or other non-Kink affiliation or association and vice versa.

Similarly, Doxxing is a type of cyber attack that involves discovering the real identity of
an Internet user. The attacker then reveals that person’s details so others can target
them with malicious attacks. Doxxing is analyzing information posted online by the victim
in order to identify and later harass that person.

THIS IS NEVER, EVER, EVER OK. And should be reported to any and all BDSM
associates who may be compromised and/or are responsible for vetting for events &
groups in which the person who committed the outing or doxxing, if known, interacts
with.

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Additionally, many new and even some not so new people in the BDSM lifestyle believe
that there is some type of governing body that can mediate, rectify violations and
incidents or mandate/dictate the actions of others as a result of an incident or
accusation. This is also completely FALSE. Regardless if it is a host, venue, group
organizer, popular or influential person, they are ONLY accountable and responsible for
what they have consented to be accountable and responsible for. No more, no less.

Closing
Thank you for purchasing this guide to jumpstarting your BDSM Journey. My hope for
you is that you are able to utilize this information, effectively, now and long into your
journey. Any questions or feedback is welcome and you may direct them to
[email protected]

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 The House of Nia

Coaching, Appearances, Workshops & Retreats 5

Coaching

Coffee & Cocktails Conversations

Relax with a cup of coffee, tea or a cocktail during an open conversation answering all of your
questions, giving you guidance and providing perspective on BDSM, Power
Exchange/Authority-based Dynamics, Leather, Service, Surrender & Mastery
$111

BDSM Jumpstart Coaching

A month of One-on-One guidance as you jumpstart your BDSM Journey. For those who are
committed to diving into the journey of self-discovery through BDSM. Receive experienced and
expert guidance on the who, what, when, where, why and how of incorporating BDSM into your
lifestyle and/or lovestyle. For both the novice and experienced.
$1111

Vision Setting for Your BDSM Journey

In order to achieve any goal one must be clear on what that goal is, what it looks like and
determine best steps/practices for success. In this self-paced course, you will learn why having
a personal vision for your BDSM journey is a critical component to optimize experiences,
dynamics and relationships, while also creating focus and establishing boundaries. You will
walk away with tools to help you create your own vision and how to utilize it to minimize risks,
disappointments and effectively vet.
$222

S&M Immersion Experience

Do you want to have a kinky weekend getaway? Or learn and experience a REAL LIFE 24/7,
Master/slave Leather Household? Immerse yourself in a PRIVATE, covid safe, sex-positive,
body positive, inclusive, clothing optional envirorment at The House of Nia.
Receive personalized service training, S&M/play tastings and teaching, rest & relaxation.

The S&M Immersion Experience includes 4 days/3 nights at The House of Nia, just outside of
Denver, Colorado, USA. All meals/snacks, alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages provided.
Additional amenities include: Full Dungeon, Cigar Lounge, Bar, enclosed jacuzzi hot tub, large,
spacious kitchen, dining room and living room. Available March, April & May of 2022
$2222 Email [email protected] to book.

5
This information is currently accurate and applicable for the year 2022. Contact Us to inquire about
further availability.
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Appearances

Surrender & Mastery Weekend at Oklahoma Power Exchange

Enjoy an EXCLUSIVE weekend of focused education and kinky fun with The House of Nia!
Through discussion, classes, demonstrations and fellowship, Master Seykou Nia and His slave
majordomo sassy nikki nia, along with Master Ricardo and esclava_bathory, will share their
perspective, philosophies and guidance on BDSM, M/s, Play, Service, Surrender & Mastery.

This weekend intensive will include: Cigar Social Meet & Greet with The House of Nia, A Full
Day of Classes covering Relationships/Dynamics, Mastery & Dominance, Service & Surrender,
Cigar Play & Service, S&M Fetish Ball Dungeon Party and Sunday VIP Brunch.

February 11-13, 2022 , Oklahoma City OK.

Space is limited. Register here: www.ope.ticketleap.com/surrender

Leather & Leaf

A bi-weekly virtual (Zoom) gathering aimed at bridging these two intertwined cultures, Kink &
Cigar, hosted by Master Seykou Nia. Featuring attendees from both lifestyles and all identifiers.

Follow @surrenderandmastery and @thehouseofnia on Instagram for instructions on how to join

the conversation.

BDSM, Kink, Fetish Bookings

The House of Nia is available to provide BDSM education, presentations & demonstrations for
your event, group, conference, workshop, retreat or podcast, both virtually and in-person (fees
vary). Email [email protected] to book

Available Topics: BDSM (General), Impact Play, Cigar Service & Play, Service, Edge Play,
Authority-based Dynamics, Surrender & Mastery, Authenticity

Workshops & Retreats

The House of Nia hosts private workshops and retreats for individuals, dynamics and groups,
both in the US and Internationally. Email [email protected] for availability

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About
The Author, majordomo, slave Sassy Nikki Nia

slave Sassy Nikki Nia, aka “major”, is the owned and collared slave
of Master Seykou Nia and majordomo for the House of Nia. She is a slave and Leatherwoman
who began her exploration into BDSM over 15 years ago. Slave Sassy Nikki Nia is the recipient
of the 2019 Pantheon of Leather Award for the Midwest region, bottom, service Top and proud
slut slave.

She became co-Leader of the submissives of the Ozarks based in Springfield, Missouri shortly
after entering the real time BDSM community in 2016.

slave Nikki Nia is a former member of the HardPink Sisterhood, an international women’s
support group and sat on the Board from 2017-2019. She is also the proud recipient of the 2019
Pantheon of Leather Award for the Midwest Region.

slave Sassy Nikki has immersed herself in the Leather community by traveling to conferences
and events throughout the US as an attendee, volunteer and willing servant to this tribe and
those she has come to know as Family. Sassy Nikki has an affinity for encouraging both
un-partnered and partnered submissives and slaves to see the value, opportunity and
limitlessness of the exploration, experiences and progression available to them in this Lifestyle
through her active participation in local, regional and national communities, online and offline
education/discussion groups.

Currently, slave Nikki Nia is the creator and curator of "Surrender & Mastery" - an online
community offering guidance and support for those in or who seek an Authority-based
Relationship. You may connect with Surrender & Mastery on Facebook and Instagram.

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The House of Nia

The House of Nia is a 24/7 M/s protocol-based Leather household headed by Master Seykou
Nia. The House of Nia is served and supported by two Leather slaves, alpha & majordomo
slave sassy Nikki Nia and slave little onyx.

Our Mission:

● To be the mental, emotional, spiritual home and/or resource to those who seek to
embody their Nia (purpose) as a life's work both within and outside the BDSM/Leather
culture.

● To birth an expansive, pervasive, perverse, multi-generational Leather House composed

of lifetime family, mentors, mentees and associates.

● To ensure our Leather path is honored historically, lived authentically and permeates
perpetually in the BDSM landscape.

● To house a physical communal living space where members and invitees may
fellowship, live and love freely in accordance with their most authentic expressions.

You may follow The House of Nia on Instagram - @thehouseofnia

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Master Seykou Nia

Master Seykou
Nia is the Head of the House of Nia, a 24/7 M/s Leather household currently based outside of
Denver, Colorado. He is a covered Leatherman, active lifestyle Dominant and Sadistic service
Top. The House of Nia is a co-founding member of LHOCC (Leather Houses of Color
Coalition), ½ of the former Colorado Master/slave pair for 2016, Pantheon of Leather Award
nominee, BDSM Educator, lover of the leaf (cigars anyone?) and overall Kinky fucker.

Master Seykou, began His journey in 2014 and soon found Himself on the Leather path and has
never looked back. His formal training includes intensive study under the Masters of the MTTA
Academy, formal mentorship with the House of Blue, and observation of the conduct of many
other leaders of the Leather and general BDSM Community.

Master Seykou’s core philosophy for Himself and the House of Nia is "find your center and
operate from there on all you do." This, in part, led to His coining of the phrase “Shoulder to
shoulder, Hide to hide” in 2016, as He sees Leather and the fellowship that can come from living
it, as his center. His embodiment of the what some describe as “traditional leather values” of
honor, authenticity, integrity, transparency, respect, and trust (to which he adds- inclusion and
tolerance) has helped Master Seykou gain respect and recognition throughout the community,
including receiving His Masters’ cover from his Denver community in 2016.

Master Seykou has traveled extensively throughout the country with his slaves to participate in
both Leather and non-Leather lifestyle events in which they teach, volunteer, support and lead
lead in order to facilitate growth in the BDSM and M/s journeys of others.

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