“What to Say to Kids When Nothing Seems to Work is exactly the

guide that frazzled and over-extended parents need for handling

tough moments with kids. This book allows us to analyze our own
behavior and to see things from a kid’s perspective, avoiding the
knee-jerk response all of us parents later regret. Today’s parents are
often stretched very thin and running on empty, and this book can be
a great help.”
– John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work

“This is a book every parent should read! It is a down-to-earth, clear,

and creative guide for those moments when all parents feel defeated
and demoralized. And it’s fun to read. It will help you reach for your
best parenting self in difficult moments and keep that loving bond
with your child growing.”
– Dr. Sue Johnson, researcher, professor and bestselling author of
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

“Read this book so that you can learn to read your children,
responding not to their words, manner, or behaviour, but to the
hidden emotional messages they are sending you. Parenting wisdom
for those who want to connect with their children on the heart level.”
– Gabor Maté MD, co-author, Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents
Need to Matter More Than Peers

“Ashley Miller and Adele Lafrance have created a superb guide to

parenting. Their guidance is grounded in well-established, evidence-
based principles of parenting, offered in an engaging and
enlightening way full of illustrative examples. They speak to the sorts
of problems all parents encounter; most especially, those moments
when children and adolescents don’t want to talk about issues in
need of discussion. Their advice will surely prove useful across the
widest range of parenting and co-parenting situations, from everyday
matters through times of crisis. This book should be in every parent’s
home.”
 – Jay Lebow, PhD, ABPP, senior therapist, senior scholar, and
clinical professor, The Family Institute at Northwestern, Evanston,
IL, USA

“Keep it simple. Reduce the outside chatter and reconnect with your
instincts as a parent. That is what this book can offer. Full of
scenarios depicting familiar situations with simple, doable solutions,
this book provides gentle reminders on how to focus on what positive
OUTCOMES you want. Practicing these thoughtfully written scripts
will ease your mind and create long term skills that can be used in
your day to day life. What a relief.”
– Mara St. Onge, founder of Blingja Concepts and author of Blingja,
The Mindful Adventurer Ninja

“I highly recommend this excellent resource to parents or guardians

raising children of all ages. Dr. Ashley Miller and Dr. Adele Lafrance
are both leading experts in their respective fields. Their experience is
clearly demonstrated in this book, through their ability to break down
complex situations, providing information in an easy-to-use format,
and above all providing clear, concrete examples. This book helps us
to understand different types of behaviour (‘building a bridge’), what
to say (‘putting it into words’) and how to put it all together (‘getting
practical’) - just what we need!”
– Andrew Tugwell, MPH, director of Health Promotion &
Prevention, BC Children’s Hospital

“One might wonder how Ashley Miller and Adele Lafrance could
possibly tell us ‘what to say when nothing seems to work’, since we
can think of countless situations when we parents have that
experience. They would certainly fail if they focused on each specific
behavior and possible associated reasons for it and consequences
to give. Instead, these authors focus on where we get stuck (our
‘knee-jerk reactions’ and ‘common pitfalls’) as well as what we tend
to overlook (our child’s mind along with our own) and present a way
forward—a script that reaches into all manner of situations that are
proving to be extra challenging. They show us how to build a bridge
to the child’s mind, develop possible emotional translations for what
we discover in our child, and put our discoveries into practical words
that lead our child to feeling understood and being more willing to
join us in a way that works for us both.

“Miller and Lafrance suggest possible scripts for a great many

situations, while encouraging us parents to adapt them for our
unique child and family. As a bonus, they offer scripts that might be
of value in bridge-building with our partner too. After all, all family
relationships are likely to become tricky and messy. This is a good
book to take with us on our journey as we try to ‘get it right’ as well
as to engage in the ‘do-overs’ that will certainly be necessary. This is
a note of gratitude to these authors for their clearly written and oh-
so-practical book for parents everywhere.”
– Dan Hughes, PhD, founder of Dyadic Developmental
Psychotherapy (DDP) and author of many books including
Attachment Focused Parenting: Building the Bonds of Attachment
(3rd Ed.)

“In this wonderful book for parents, Drs. Miller and Lafrance share
the fruits of attachment theory and neuroscience to respond to those
parenting situations when things get tough. Blending their clinical
experience with their own humble and relatable real-life experience
as parents and (imperfect) human beings, they remind us that the
most precious gift we can offer for children (and ourselves) is our
unconditional loving presence. Not satisfied to stop there, they go on
to share practical strategies and language that can be applied today,
to rebuild and repair the bridge with our children, as well as with
ourselves and our co-parent(s).”
– Dzung X. Vo, MD, author of The Mindful Teen: Powerful Skills to
Help You Handle Stress One Moment at a Time

“Wisdom is scarce and even common sense is not that common, but
both are to be found in abundance in this gem of a book by Miller
and Lafrance. Offering both a conceptual framework and practical
suggestions, this book provides much needed answers for how to
respond supportively and constructively to a wide variety of
potentially tricky interactions with children. From day to day
interactions, to coping with difficult emotions or tough questions, to
handling moments of crisis such as a child who experiences a loss –
raising a child can often feel like walking through a minefield.
Parents will find that the advice of Miller and Lafrance provides a
uniquely effective map for navigating through it. The personal tone,
rich vignettes, and charming illustrations make the book especially
relatable and easy to read. This is surely one for every parent’s
bookshelf!”
– Eli R. Lebowitz, associate professor in the Child Study Center,
Yale School of Medicine
What to Say to Kids When Nothing
Seems to Work

What to Say to Kids When Nothing Seems to Work offers parents an

effective, step-by-step guide to some of the most common struggles
for kids aged 5–12. Written by mental health professionals with over
30 years’ experience listening to kids’ thoughts and feelings, this
book provides a framework to explore new ways of responding to
your child that will help them calm down faster and boost their
resilience to stress.
With a dose of humor and plenty of real-life examples, the authors
will guide you to “build a bridge” into your child’s world to make
sense of their emotions and behavior. Sample scenarios and scripts
are provided for you to customize based on your caregiving style and
your child’s personality. These are then followed by concrete support
strategies to help you manage current and future situations in a way
that leaves everyone feeling better. Chapters are organized by
common kid-related issues so you can quickly find what’s relevant to
you.
Suitable for parents, grandparents, and other caregivers of
children and pre-teens, as well as professionals working closely with
families, What to Say to Kids When Nothing Seems to Work is an
accessible resource for efficiently navigating the twists, turns, and
sometimes total chaos of life with kids.

Adele Lafrance, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, research scientist,

and co-developer of Emotion-Focused Family Therapy. She offers
workshops for the general public and mental health agencies
worldwide.
Ashley Miller, MD, is a child psychiatrist at BC Children’s Hospital
and a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of
British Columbia where she is co-director of family therapy training
for psychiatry residents.
What to Say to Kids When Nothing
Seems to Work

A Practical Guide for Parents and Caregivers

ADELE LAFRANCE, PHD AND ASHLEY MILLER, MD

ILLUSTRATIONS BY PATRICK CARLSON

First published 2020
by Routledge
52 Vanderbilt Avenue, New York, NY 10017

and by Routledge
2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 4RN

Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa

business

© 2020 Taylor & Francis

The right of Adele Lafrance and Ashley Miller to be identified as

authors of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with
sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. The purchase of this copyright material confers

the right on the purchasing institution to photocopy pages which bear
the photocopy icon and copyright line at the bottom of the page. No
other parts of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilized in
any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now
known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording,
or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission
in writing from the publishers.

Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks

or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and
explanation without intent to infringe.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Lafrance, Adele, author. | Miller, Ashley P., author.
Title: What to say to kids when nothing seems to work: a practical
guide for parents and caregivers / Adele Lafrance, PhD and Ashley
Miller, MD ; illustrations by Patrick Carlson.
Description: New York, NY : Routledge, 2020. | Includes
bibliographical references and index. | Identifiers: LCCN
2019046991 (print) | LCCN 2019046992 (ebook) | Subjects: LCSH:
Parent and child. | Child psychology. | Emotions in children. |
Parenting–Psychological aspects.
Classification: LCC HQ755.85 .L3324 2020 (print) | LCC HQ755.85
(ebook) | DDC 306.874–dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019046991
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019046992

ISBN: 978-1-138-34462-4 (hbk)

ISBN: 978-1-138-34463-1 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-0-429-43839-4 (ebk)
 Dedications

To Lorraine, who showed me that the surest way to help anyone

solve their problems is to first listen deeply.
– AM

To the many parents and caregivers with whom I’ve had the honor of
walking alongside – you’ve taught me more than any textbook ever
could.
– AL
Contents

Acknowledgments

A Note to Our Readers

Part I Introduction

1 A New Path

2 The Road Map

3 Potential Roadblocks

4 Staying on Track

Part II What to Say to Kids When …

5 “I Don’t Want to …”

6 “I Miss …”

7 “You Love My Sister More …”

8 “This Is the BEST!”

9 “My Tummy Hurts …”

10 “I’m Not Talking to You …”

11 “I’m so Bad/Stupid …”
12 “You Just Don’t Get It!”

13 “I Can’t Decide …”

14 “Don’t Go to Work!”

15 “I Got a Terrible Mark …”

16 “I Hate My Life!”

17 POW! (Dealing with Aggression)

18 “Don’t Make Me Go to Mom’s/Dad’s!”

19 The “Do-Over”

20 “You’re too Soft!” and “You’re too Hard!”

21 “Why Are You Talking to Me Like That?”

Part III Where to from Here?

22 New Directions

23 Practical Resources

24 Recommended Readings

Index
Acknowledgments

I would like to start by thanking my children, Noam and Maya, who

truly have been my greatest teachers. I’m grateful to my husband,
Avri, who has patiently watched me wrestle with what it means to be
a “good-enough parent” and who has kept everything functioning
while I devoted time to this project. I’d like to thank my parents,
Rhoda and Harold Miller, for their unconditional love and support.
There are so many people who encouraged me to write and helped
me through my doubts. A giant thank you to friends and colleagues:
Jessica Morrison, Mark Supino, Cailey Lynch, Alana Hirsh, Melanie
Chartier, Jennifer Russel, Muffy Greenaway, Evelyn Stewart, Patricia
Frew, Dzung X. Vo, Shimi Kang, Victoria Hurst-Martin, Amrit
Dhariwal, Rachel Armstrong, and, of course, my wonderful co-
author, Adele Lafrance.
And finally, to my mentors: Dr. E. Jane Garland, who first
introduced me to mindfulness practice when I was a new mother,
who always knows what I need before I do and who always gifts her
complete presence; and Lorraine Hathaway, my greatest role model,
whose tremendous attention, empathy, and love have helped raise a
whole generation of child psychiatrists, children, and parents. – AM

Thank you to my teachers, mentors, friends, and family members, in

particular my step-children. Special thanks to my loving husband
John and, of course, my partner in crime, Ashley. This book was so
much fun to write and I can’t wait for the next one! – AL

Finally (and for real this time!), to everyone at Taylor & Francis:
Thank you for believing in this book and supporting us to bring these
ideas to a wider audience of clinicians and parents. Sincere gratitude
to Elizabeth Budd for her assistance with copyediting. To all the
researchers, clinicians, and experts who have come before, we feel
so indebted to your contributions for parents and professionals. To
our colleagues who have taught us, offered support and helped us
along the way – many, many thanks. In these categories, we’d like to
formally recognize (in alphabetical order): Jonathon Baylin, Brené
Brown, Susan Bogels, Joanne Dolhanty, Adele Faber, John
Gottman, Daniel Hughes, Leslie Greenberg, Sue Johnson, Jon and
Myla Kabat-Zinn, Gary Landreth, Jay Lebow, Harriet Lerner, Eli
Lebowitz, Gabor Maté, Laura Markham, Elaine Mazlish, Kristin Neff,
Gordon Neufeld, Gail Palmer, Daniel Siegel, and many, many more.
Thanks also to the parents and caregivers who volunteered to review
earlier drafts of our manuscripts and who provided invaluable
feedback to make it fit better for “real life.” – AL & AM
A Note to Our Readers

To write this book, we have drawn on our training and many years
practicing as mental health professionals, as well as our own
parenting experiences. We have also been informed by our reading
of scientific books and articles. This note is to remind readers that
ideas and strategies described in this book are general in nature and
are not intended as a substitute for medical or psychological
treatment. Although we offer some suggested websites and books
as resources, we also aren’t able to guarantee their content will be
appropriate for your situation. All scenarios described in this book
are fictional but inspired by real-life events.
 Part I
Introduction
 1
A New Path

All Rachel wants to do is get out of the house and get some
groceries. It’s Sunday afternoon, so she’ll need to bring the kids
along. She already thought ahead and let them know the plan this
morning. Ten minutes before it’s time to leave, she asks her children,
who are 9 and 7 years old, to start getting ready. Five minutes later,
she sees her 7-year-old daughter humming to herself while she puts
her shoes on. Her 9-year-old son is sitting on the sofa, arms folded
across his chest. “I’m not going,” he says. Rachel has been here
before, so her pulse quickens a bit. “Stay positive,” she tells herself
silently. She says, “C’mon; it’ll be fun. You can choose the kind of
cereal you want.” Her son is not impressed and digs his heels in
further. After a few more attempts to stay calm, Rachel realizes it’s
not working; her son is stuck in resistance. Rachel decides it’s time
to take charge with a consequence: “We’re leaving. If you don’t get
up right now, there will be no video games for the rest of the week!”
Angrily, he gets up, walks over to his sister and punches her in the
arm. She starts wailing and Rachel yells: “That’s it, no video games
for the week and to your room – now!”

Whaaat just happened?!

Her partner, Jeff, watched the scene unfold from the kitchen. “I would
have handled that differently,” he thinks. A week later, it’s his turn to
do groceries with the kids in tow. “Okay, guys, we’re leaving in 5
minutes, no ifs, ands, or buts.” This time, his son makes some
moves toward the door, but then takes his sister’s shoe and throws it
outside the house. “Dad! He threw my shoe outside!” she cries.
“Listen, bud,” says Jeff tensely, “You’re coming to the store and that’s
that. Get your sister’s shoe and stop fooling around.” He throws the
shoe in the house, narrowly missing his sister with the toss. “I said
stop fooling around!” Jeff yells. “I’m not going to the stupid store, and
you can’t make me!” the boy yells back and stomps up to his room.
If you’ve picked up this book, chances are you’ve had moments
with your child when you’ve felt frustrated, exasperated, or even out
of control. Maybe you’d even like to lock yourself in your bedroom
with a good book or drop your child off at his grandparents for the
month. You’re in good company because it happens to us all.
Parenting can be hard. Really hard. And there are some common
scenarios that stump the majority of us. This book is meant to be a
resource for those difficult times, like when your child refuses to put
on his shirt and you’re already half an hour late for work, when your
daughter is losing it over a low mark for the fourth time this month, or
your son tells you “you’re the worst parent ever.” And if you’ve ever
felt like you must be doing everything wrong or your child is headed
towards disaster, we’ve been there with you. We may be clinicians,
but we have both struggled in our parenting roles, and so we’ve only
written about the stuff that’s actually been helpful in our own
personal lives. Not to say that you can’t use the concepts in this
book when things are going smoothly (in fact we hope you do!), but
we also want to offer you something practical to try in those more
challenging circumstances too. For those of you dealing with
nonstop challenges, this book is also for you. We both work with
families where one or more children and their parents are dealing
with mental health concerns and major life stressors, and we find the
approach outlined in this book to be helpful even when the problems
have been around for a long time.
Obviously, there is no single, perfect manual for parenting. We are
mental health professionals; you are the expert on your child. If
some of our ideas strike you as useful, that’s great. If others don’t fit
for you or your family, feel free to skip over to the next chapter.
Parents these days can be faced with a constant sense that there is
“one right way” to do things, and that simply isn’t the case. It’s also
true that “timing is everything” and so we want to encourage you to
sort out what might be best for your child in the way that feels most
comfortable for you right now. You may even find that you feel
differently about some of the content after you’ve been trying the
skills for a while.
We also don’t want to pretend that helping kids when they are
most upset is a neat and tidy process. Life with family is messy at
best, and sometimes it feels like total chaos. That’s why we are ultra-
motivated to share ideas and concrete strategies that we’ve found
can actually help make a difference for you and your kids, whether
they turn things around or even just take the edge off in the moment.
We hope you’ll customize them to fit your family’s unique personality
and your child’s specific needs as a complement to the tools you
already have. The framework is the roadmap, and your gut is your
guide.
Finally, it is so important for you to know that you don’t need to
apply any of these ideas exactly for them to be effective. Not even
close. The content of this book is grounded in the spirit of “effort
counts twice” and “a little goes a long way.” We’ve found that using
any small bits from this book can amount to significant changes for
your family over the course of days, weeks, and months together.
Besides, there is no precision in parenting: We can only ever do our
best to show up and be there for our kids, especially in the toughest
of moments.

How to Use This Book

In our clinical practices, parents ask us every day, “But what do I say
when … ?” or “Could you please write that down for me?” For
parents of little kids, this may be ideas for getting through tantrums,
like “I want a cookie!” while for parents of older kids, it can be staples
like “I can’t decide” or “I hate you.” When we offered guidance to
parents and caregivers, we used to tell them not to worry about the
exact words they used and instead to embody a stance of validation
when responding to these types of statements. In other words, it’s
not what you say, it’s what you convey – and although that’s true,
parents would continue to ask for some scripts to help them to get
started. In honor of these parents, we’ve organized the rest of the
book into scenario-chapters, each starting with something your child
may say, such as, “You love my sister more” or “I’m so stupid.” The
idea is that you can just flip to the section relevant to your family’s
life and get some ideas for now or later. We will provide a couple of
possible response options for you to choose from, as well as tips for
increasing the effectiveness of your efforts.
Each of these chapters will follow a similar pattern so that with
repetition, it becomes more familiar to you, even second nature. For
example, at the beginning of each scenario-chapter, we’ll start by
identifying the common knee-jerk response that many parents
express when in that situation (ourselves included!). We’ll then invite
you to get curious about your child’s perspective. We call this
building a bridge, and it’s a mental exercise that involves temporary
entry into your child’s world. Building a bridge may also require using
what we refer to as an emotion translator to make sense of your
child’s experience. The emotion translator can come in handy when
parents just don’t understand what’s going on with their children or
there seems to be a disconnection between how they are behaving
and what they really need (picture a kid screaming “You’re not my
real mom” but actually feeling vulnerable). Then it’s time for putting it
into words to validate their experience. This involves voicing a few
reasons why it might make sense for your child to think their
thoughts or feel their feelings. It helps to use kid-friendly language,
or at least language friendly to your kid. The capacity to reflect
someone else’s internal experience, and without judgment, is a skill
at the heart of all healthy relationships. It also happens to be the
interpersonal process that has the most powerful effect on calming
their brain in the moment, meaning it will also be easier to comfort
them or even set limits once you’ve done so. Win–win. To help you
with this step, we will present different options so that you can find
the words that you think will work best in your situation. And by the
way, you can communicate understanding of your child’s point of
view even if you don’t agree with it in the slightest (picture a 5-year-
old who is upset because the juice is red and not blue!). In other
words, it’s not the truth. It’s their perspective, and this is an important
distinction to carry with you. Which brings us to the final component
of the model: getting practical. It’s possible that the steps you’ve
already taken are enough to prevent or calm the storm. If not, we’ll
propose solutions that you can choose from that are emotional
and/or practical in nature and that help you and your child move
forward together in a good way (and on to the next thing!). To
demonstrate how to put it all together, we’ll then include a full script
of an interaction between an adult caregiver and a child, followed by
common pitfalls that we’ve either experienced ourselves or
encountered when supporting parents in our work. Finally, because
this book is only one slice of the larger parenting pie, we’ve also
included a list of resources and references that professionals and
parents have found helpful to deepen the learning.
Here is a simple example of the approach “in action” to give you a
sense of what we mean:
Remember the earlier scenario about the grocery store? Using the
framework above, the knee-jerk response was reflected in the mom’s
initial reaction of: “C’mon; it’ll be fun. You can choose the kind of
cereal you want” and the dad’s more hard-line approach: “You’re
coming to the store, and that’s that.”
Once we build a bridge into the child’s world, however, we may
discover that their son is easily bored at the grocery store, or he is
embarrassed to be seen there with his parents and younger sibling.
In other words, if we were to use an emotional translator, we’d hear
something different from what was actually said, reflecting potentially
vulnerable feelings that lie underneath, like “I’m worried my friends
will make fun of me if they see me with you,” for example.
To put it in words, you might then say:

I can understand why you might not want to go to the grocery

story. It’s not the coolest place to hang out for a kid your age
(Reason 1) and it might feel like an adult chore (Reason 2). I
can also imagine there are a million things you’d rather do
today (Reason 3).
 Why do we suggest offering a few reasons as above? When the
external environment (parents or other caring adults) reflects a
child’s inner thoughts and feelings with sincerity (sorry in advance to
those who like to use sarcasm!), it activates a chain of brain-based
events that decreases the intensity of their emotional experience –
even if you don’t agree with their experience and even if the bottom
line is going to stay the same (going to the grocery store). In other
words, when we as parents are able to voice what’s going on inside
of their head, the emotional orchestra in their brain actually quiets
down. It’s a neurobiological response that involves different
chemicals and parts of the brain that basically work together to send
a signal to the child that “Okay! I’ve been heard! I can cool my jets!”
And so we have to admit upfront that we don’t teach this style of
responding just for the warm and fuzzies. Although that’s often a
bonus, our reasons are very practical too. We want to invite you to
try this out because of the brain-calm it will create in your children,
making them more likely to hear you, cooperate, and even come up
with their own solutions to problems.
Enter the final step of our approach – getting practical. If you can
relate to the preceding example, the truth is, you are going to the
grocery store and that’s not going to change. That being said, you
can offer your child some compassion (emotional support) and a
suggestion to help him pass the time (practical support): “I feel for
you, bud. I really do. I can promise we won’t be there all day. Why
don’t we figure out something for you to bring to help pass the time
in the car, like your book or your music.”
If you’ve already encountered the scenario described and it didn’t
go so well, there’s always another chance to go back to your child
and try again using the structure provided. We call this a “do-over,”
and it can be just as powerful as getting it right the first time. We
actually can’t emphasize this point enough. Whether your child is 9
or 49, it is never too late to try a new way of relating to them and with
positive effects. Although this book is targeted to parents and
caregivers of children, the principles can generalize across the life
span with some tweaks.
 All of this is what we refer to as “simple but not easy” because of
those pesky knee-jerk responses that can make this new style of
responding to our kids super uncomfortable. It’s not uncommon for
parents and caregivers to express reluctance when we provide them
with strategies like the one we just outlined. Some worry about
feeding the emotion or reinforcing it in an unhealthy way or giving
their child too much power. These fears are normal, which is why
we’ve dedicated Chapter 3 to addressing some of the most common
concerns or potential “roadblocks.” We’ve also devoted the whole of
Chapter 4 to “staying on track” so that you don’t forget to look after
yourself when handling situations that might be triggering or just
plain unpleasant.
The list of possible parenting scenarios is endless, so we
encourage you to integrate the concepts for use in order to apply
them when faced with a range of parenting challenges. We’ll
specifically address disagreements between partners in caregiving
too. For example, how do you handle your child’s other parent
criticizing him or parenting in a way you don’t like? Huge landmine.
We’ve got you covered. After parents work with us using this
method, whether individually or in groups, they often appreciate
using the same skills with their partners, colleagues, and even their
own parents. So, we hope these simple and effective strategies help
you feel more confident getting through tough moments with your
kids and beyond.
In the last few chapters, we offer recommendations for situations
that require more intensive support as well as worksheets and
handouts so you can take the ideas in the book a step further. While
human emotions are universal, practical support strategies can vary
according to the issue at hand, the age of the child, and other
individual factors, so we aim to direct you towards references for
some of our favorite resources.
By the way, throughout this book, we alternate between pronouns
she, he, and they. We use the words kid, child, and preteen to refer
to children of any gender. The words parent and caregiver are also
used to describe any adult who is engaged in a caregiving
relationship with a child. Likewise, we acknowledge that this adult
may be of any gender and may be a biological or non-biological
parent, family member, or other important adult in the child’s life.
Lastly, we know most parents don’t have a lot of spare time, and so
we’ll say now that we are grateful that you’ve chosen to spend some
of yours with us.
 2
The Road Map

We invite you to let the following question anchor you during this
next section: How many minutes would you be willing to invest to
increase cooperation and collaboration with your child? What about
to avoid a meltdown? What’s reasonable to expect given your
schedule and competing priorities? Twenty minutes? Ten minutes?
Two minutes? Hopefully this is good news – the structure we are
proposing can take as little as 90 seconds. That’s right – less than 2
minutes. Now, it can take longer too – and sometimes a 5- or 10-
minute investment yields the greatest reward, but we want you to
know that we are proposing a brief approach to interaction that is
most likely to calm the brain enough (not 100%) so that your child
becomes more flexible in the moment and open to move on to the
next thought, feeling, or activity.
Each of the chapters that make up the core of the book will follow
the same general outline. Here we’ll give you some additional
background information on the steps we’ve outlined thus far so that,
with practice, you will be able to apply them to your unique situations
with flexibility. The framework includes first recognizing your knee-
jerk response, then making a conscious choice to respond a little
differently from what you may be used to, guided by these three
components (in order): (1) building a bridge, (2) putting it into words,
and (3) getting practical. These steps are considered in the context
of a “calm-enough” parent-mind. In other words, you may not be
totally calm, but you are calm enough to implement the steps with
some degree of connection.
Recognizing the “Knee-Jerk” Response
Imagine your child comes home from school and says, “I suck at
math. I will never get it.” The almost universal response is to say
something like: “No you don’t,” followed by something positive or
uplifting or with a solution to the problem. We’ve surveyed literally
thousands of parents, teachers, even clinicians, and these types of
response are far and away the most common. Why? Because knee-
jerk responses are usually borne out of our best intentions to care for
our children: to protect them from harm and help them grow up to be
happy, independent and productive adults. Unfortunately, we have
been conditioned to believe that in order for this to happen, it is best
to lean away from emotional discomfort and help others to do the
same (more on that later). In addition to this powerful sociocultural
influence, whether our children are in physical pain or emotional
distress, most of us want it to go away as soon as possible,
especially if their pain triggers within us feelings of helplessness (I
have no idea how to help her!), anxiety (What if she disengages from
school?), or other unpleasant emotional reactions (If she’d only
study!). Regrettably, putting voice to those reactions doesn’t help
children move through the experience, and the last thing we want is
for them to get stuck in the emotional quicksand. The more
awareness you have of your knee-jerk responses, the better you will
be able to pivot away from them to try something different. For
example, in the face of your child’s distress, are you more of a joker,
a cheerleader, or a bright-side enthusiast? When it comes to your
child’s anger, do you get smaller or puff up? Take a moment to reflect
on your go-to when one of your children is upset. Try to think of a
specific child and a specific incident.

Categories of Knee-Jerk Responses

The following are categories of potential knee-jerk responses when
in relationship with others. Can you recognize yourself in any one (or
more) of these categories?
 Reassuring Downplaying Problem-solving Distracting
Telling them Helping them see the Giving them Changing the
everything is problem is not that advice or topic to
going to be okay. big of a deal. suggestions about something less
what they could stressful or
do. painful.

Cheerleading I-dentifying Questioning Shoulding

Helping them to Telling them about Trying to get more Suggesting that
focus on similar or worse details so you can they shouldn’t
their positive things that have understand the feel a certain
qualities and happened to you. situation. way.
potential.

Content adapted with permission from The BC Children’s Hospital

Mind–Body Connection Group Treatment Manual by A. Dhariwal, A.
Chapman, T. Newlove, & E. Stanford. Unpublished treatment
manual.

My knee-jerk response when my child is anxious is:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

My knee-jerk response when my child is sad is:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

My knee-jerk response when my child is embarrassed is:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

My knee-jerk response when my child is mad is:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 You may have noticed a different knee-jerk response depending
on the feeling expressed by your child. This is because we’ve been
socialized to respond to different emotions differently. You may have
been taught to avoid anger in your own childhood home, or your
avoidance of anger may have developed in reaction to having been
exposed to too much anger as a child or teen. Either way, it can be
helpful to be aware of your patterns of response to your child’s
expressions of vulnerability or her frustration and anger. That way,
you can understand your patterns and have compassion for where
these expressions come from. They do say that “the first 50 years of
childhood are the hardest,” and we’re inclined to agree!

Step 1. Building a Bridge

Now it’s time to build the bridge to lay the foundation for a new way
of responding to situations that carry an emotional charge. What we
need to remember, even during the worst times, is that we are not
our children and they are not us. We are separate but connected. In
moments of stress, you can think of you and your child like two
islands: Upset Child Island and Frustrated Parent Island. When
things start to go sideways and you’re really lost, take the
perspective of a curious explorer and ask yourself: “I wonder what is
going on with my child that she is acting this way?” In other words,
build a mental bridge to cross over to your child’s experience, even if
you are convinced she is being totally unreasonable. Whether you
are correct in your assessment is irrelevant for this step – and thank
goodness because a lot of what befuddles younger kids can be
irrational, to put it mildly (think meltdown because of a missing sock).
Finding a few different answers to this key question that make sense
under the circumstances, and in light of your child’s temperament,
personality, and developmental stage, is key.
In other words, building a bridge lets parents get started by
brainstorming a few educated guesses for why their child may be
feeling or acting in a certain way. When first introduced to this step of
the framework, some parents ask: “Why don’t I just ask my kid why
he is feeling this way?” If your child is in a headspace to have a
conversation, that’s great. You can ask him what’s wrong and what
he needs. That’s the most straightforward approach and takes out
any guesswork. But there are a number of scenarios in which the
best option is to make a guess. These typically fall into one of four
categories:

1. Children haven’t yet learned to identify their feelings or needs.

2. They are too upset or overwhelmed to communicate clearly.
3. They feel uncomfortable with how they are feeling and therefore
are not likely to be forthcoming.
4. They are upset with you and not in the mood to spill the beans.

In fact, we’ve found that educated guesses can be more valuable

than it may seem on the surface because they also communicate to
the child: “You are important to me and I am engaging in this mental
exercise to try to get to know you in this moment. I am willing to get it
wrong and try again.”

The Emotion Translator

When you go to a new country and don’t speak the language, you
can sometimes make guesses about what’s going on, but there will
be times when you will need a translator to make sense of what
people are saying. In an ideal world, kids would always be able to
communicate what’s wrong directly, in a nice enough way. In reality,
and in particular in the situations described above, adults might need
to mentally translate what kids say and do into something clearer or
more logical until they become more capable of articulating their
feelings and needs more directly. For example, sometimes children
say things or act in ways that are inconsistent with what’s really
going on for them. A child who feels disconnected from you may tell
you he hates you when really he is yearning for some attention and
affection. When we see difficult behavior in our children, including
harsh words or refusal to cooperate with reasonable expectations,
most often, there is more to it. The renowned family therapist Virginia
Satir described behavior as just the tip of the iceberg, with thoughts,
feelings, and more below the surface where we can’t easily see them
(see Figure 2.1). When we can see what’s underneath, even if we
imagine it to be there, we can respond from a much calmer and
connected place inside of ourselves.

Figure 2.1 The personal iceberg

Adapted from: Satir, V., Banmen J., and Gomori, M. The Satir Model Family Therapy and
Beyond. Palo Alto. CA: Science and Behavior Books Inc 1991.

Here’s an example:
After being asked to stop texting with a friend, a tween shouts: “You
ruin everything!”

Emotion translation. We could use the emotion translator to

discover that what she is really trying to convey: “I’m angry at you
because I don’t want to stop chatting with one of my best friends.”

Or another:
When Dad walks in the door after a business trip and strikes up a
conversation with his partner, his son immediately runs to his room.

Emotion translation. The action might be communicating: “I’m

really angry at you for being gone so long.” Or maybe “I’m sad
because I missed you and I want your attention too.”

Translating outbursts and tantrums, negative behavior, and harsh

words into emotions and needs can help us have the mind frame
needed to then take our child’s perspective.

When my child says/does: ________________________________

I can imagine it’s because she or he actually feels (vulnerable

feeling):_____________________________________________

In these situations, it’s possible she or he needs (vulnerable

need):______________________________________________

Don’t worry if you can’t quite generate ideas to understand the roots
of emotionally charged statements or behaviors; we will provide
many examples throughout the book to help you to get used to this
way of thinking. We invite you to consider these possibilities or allow
our suggestions to inspire you to figure out might be going on for
your child. All you need to remember right now is that the emotion
translator helps to translate words and behavior into emotions and
needs. It means not taking kids literally sometimes, especially when
they are really upset. This doesn’t mean not believing them, but
keeping in mind that all of us say and do all kinds of things when
upset that may not reflect the more vulnerable parts of ourselves.
One more thing. Once you’ve successfully built a mental bridge,
you don’t need to stay over there indefinitely. The idea is to
temporarily take the child’s perspective so that you can help her
move through her experience using the next steps (putting it into
words and getting practical). It’s a middle step in a longer process,
and, remember, it has nothing, zero, nada, zilch, zip to do with the
so-called truth.

Tips for Building a Bridge

One of the most efficient pathways for building a bridge to Child Island is by tuning in.
In the busy life of parents, this is no small task. We don’t mean you need to drop
everything and focus on their mental state every minute of the day; that wouldn’t even
be in your child’s best interest. But when children are upset and you have the
resources to connect, focused attention – even for a few seconds – can be very
helpful. To do so, we encourage you to do the following:

1. Move away from any distractions until the situation is resolved.

2. If other children are in the vicinity, let them know that you may not be able to
attend to them for a few minutes.
3. Try to be silent for a few moments, take a few breaths and go inward.
4. Observe your child with curiosity and from that vantage point, see if you can
feel what they may be feeling. It can also help to get down to their level.
5. If you can’t get a sense for your child’s experience, think about your child’s day.
Does he have a test coming up? Has she been complaining about problems
with friends? Does he generally hate getting dressed in the morning? These are
your clues.
6. Remember that they may sometimes talk like adults, but they don’t think like
adults. Four-year-olds think monsters are in their closet. Some 12-year-olds
believe in the Tooth Fairy. Ask yourself why they might be reacting this way
from their frame of mind, given their age, the circumstances, and your child’s
unique personality.
7. Think about how you may have felt as a kid if you were in your child’s shoes.
8. If you still have no idea, just hang out with your child and let her know you’re
trying to understand her point of view and you want to help. Play or join in an
activity with her for a while. Ask her for her input, or offer possibilities and see
what happens.

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Once you’ve gone through the mental exercise of building the bridge,
it is time to convey what you’ve learned on Child Island via the skill
of validation or putting it into words. There exist many definitions in
popular culture for what it means to validate someone. Some of them
even contradict one another. For this reason, it’s really important that
we start off with a shared definition in the context of this particular
framework. Whereas building the bridge is an internal exercise, our
use of the term “validation” involves communicating to your child in
words that you can imagine where they are coming from and why,
regardless of whether you agree. We’ve found that these sentence
starters can be really helpful to begin:

I could understand you …

I could imagine you …
No wonder you …
It would make sense that you …
When I put myself in your shoes I could imagine you …
… might feel/think/want to/not want to ____________________

You can use this structure to validate physical sensations (“I could
imagine you might feel jittery inside!”), thoughts (“No wonder you
think it’s not fair”), or feelings (“It would make sense that you might
feel sad”). Some kids might be more responsive to statements
relating to any one of these categories, and so it can be worthwhile
to give them all a try. That said, if you’re pressed for time or can only
remember one of the categories, research shows that the child’s
brain tends to respond best when feelings are labeled, and so we’ve
provided you with a list of potentially helpful words in Chapter 23:
Practical Resources.
Once you get started with one of these phrases, it’s then time to
offer a few possible reasons why your child might be feeling,
thinking, or acting in the way they are. For example:
I could imagine you might be feeling upset because 1 (insert first
possible reason here), because 2 (insert second possible reason
here), and because 3 (insert third possible reason here).
Each of these statements has the power to help calm your child’s
brain to create flexibility for what’s next (support, redirection, limits,
etc.). With some kids, you will see the benefit with only one because-
statement. Other kids need a bit more. For this reason, especially as
you become more familiar with the approach, we recommend aiming
for three because-statements. It will give you practice generating
possibilities, and you’ll be giving yourselves the best chance for
success. That being said, don’t worry if, in the moment, you can only
come up with one or two. It’s still going to be so different from a
knee-jerk response that it’s likely to have a positive effect.
Finally, when suggesting possibilities, it is important to reflect your
belief in your child’s “goodness.” Children can sense what we think
of them, whether we say it or not. If we interpret their behavior and
experience in a way that suggests we think well of them and we
know they want to do and be their best, this message will shine
through. It doesn’t mean false positivity, but a genuine recognition of
their competence and underlying wish to please, to be understood,
to feel accepted, to feel connected, to feel better), even if on the
surface it doesn’t always seem so. When parents can notice their
child’s good intentions and hold these in mind – through thick and
thin – their child is more likely to follow a positive path moving
forward. We not only support our child’s growth through words and
actions, but also through our belief in them.

Here is an example that highlights these ideas:

A child says: “This project looks terrible. I can’t hand this in.”
Their parent responds: “I can understand why you’d feel upset
because (1) you really wanted the drawings to look more realistic
and (2) you take your homework seriously. (3) You’ve also been
working so hard, and you want your teacher to get that.”

Notice a few things about this example: (a) the parent comments
on the child’s perspective rather than her own, (b) the parent shows
she “gets it” by giving three possible reasons why the child might be
feeling upset, and (c) the parent emphasizes the child’s positive
intention with each of the possibilities.
You might also have noticed that the parent doesn’t rush in to fix
or minimize the problem. This doesn’t mean that reassurance and
problem-solving don’t have a role to play in this framework; on the
contrary – they are crucial elements of the approach. It’s just that the
sequencing is what’s most important. When parents lead with
building a bridge and putting it into words, their efforts to comfort and
support their child more practically will be met with increased
openness and flexibility. How does it work? When you use the
structure we are proposing, the verbal and nonverbal signals that
come with validating the other’s experience activates a release of
brain-calming chemicals, including oxytocin, which then bind to
receptors in their limbic system, otherwise known as the emotional
center of the brain. It’s like putting water on a fire. Once calm, they
will be more flexible, more likely to engage in reason and problem-
solving, and therefore more connected and cooperative.

Figure 2.2 Calming the brain

Any chance you might feel a bit nervous about making educated
guesses about the possible reasons why your child might be thinking
or feeling a certain way? So normal. Some parents worry they will
implant in their child’s inner world an idea or a bad feeling that wasn’t
already there, while others worry about getting it wrong and losing
their child’s trust. They might then be drawn to engage in
“Questioning” (one of the knee-jerk responses mentioned above) like
in this scenario:

PARENT: “You look upset. What’s wrong?”

CHILD: “Nothing.”
PARENT: “Well, are you worried about something?”
CHILD: “I dunno.”
PARENT: “Is it about school? Is it friends?”
CHILD: “I don’t know!”
PARENT: “Honey, how can I help you if you don’t tell me what the
problem is?”

What to say instead? Not to worry. We will go over a multitude of

examples so that you can support your child in a positive way
without needing too many details about their specific problem. For
now, we’ve found that as long as your because-statements are
communicated in a tentative manner and with heart, they can be
effective in some way. Offering educated guesses shows kids that
parents have a handle on the situation and they are there to help
kids understand and organize their thoughts and feelings. With this
approach, parents convey that while they may not know the exact
answer yet, they are confident they can lead the process of figuring it
out with their child. They also communicate to the child in doing so
that they can handle what might be going inside for them.
On the other hand, some kids may express annoyance if you
suggest that you know exactly what they are thinking or feeling and
why (especially if they are older and in a phase of trying to be more
independent – you’ll likely have a sense if this applies to you). This is
a hazard for mental health professional parents like us who love to
validate (ask our kids how annoying it can be, especially when we
use our “therapist voice”)! And so if that’s your kid, it is important that
your guesses are communicated in a way that is truly tentative, such
as:
“I wonder if you might be feeling a little (insert emotion) or even
(insert emotion) …”
“Maybe it’s a little like …”
“I may be off here, but I could imagine that …”
“Some people would feel (insert emotion) in a situation like this …”
“I suppose that part of you might think/feel …”

Step 3. Getting Practical

Despite all this attention on validation, we are certainly not
suggesting that you spend three hours putting your child’s thoughts
and feelings into words. Validation helps kids make sense of their
inner world and calm down, but they also need your help to move on,
especially when they are younger (because of their immature brain)
or the meltdown is intense (think five-alarm fire) or you’re on the
move (life keeps going). Enter the last part of our approach: getting
practical. Underneath the anxiety, sadness, anger, and resistance
lies a hidden need for something. Sometimes the need is emotional,
like comfort, reassurance, or simply to feel heard. Sometimes the
need can only be addressed through action, such that problem-
solving or adult intervention may be required. Our “getting practical”
component of the framework generally refers to short-term
strategies, such as refocusing the child’s awareness elsewhere,
offering reassurance, supporting them with relaxation strategies, or
solving a practical problem. There are many, many longer term,
practical ways to help your child emotionally, such as doing mindful
activities together, allowing lots of time for free play, and preparing
them for tough moments in advance, but those go beyond the scope
of this book. Please see our recommended reading section for more
in-depth ideas depending on the situation with which you are faced.
Let’s go back to our example from above to demonstrate the
integration of this step.
CHILD: “This project looks terrible. I can’t hand this in.”
PARENT: “I can understand why you’d feel upset because you really
wanted the drawings to look more realistic and you take
your homework seriously. You’ve also been working so
hard and you want your teacher to get that.” (Putting it into
words)
CHILD: “Yeah, I just don’t know if I should spend time redoing the
drawings or hand it in anyways?”
PARENT: “Sweetie, I believe in you, and I have a feeling that you’ll
make the right choice. Either way, I’m pretty sure it will
work out.” (Emotional support: communicating belief in the
child)

This exchange might be enough to help the child sort it out on her
own, or she may also need some practical help. For example, she
might benefit from having the parent go through a list of pros and
cons with her, help her to remember more realistic ways of thinking,
or set a bedtime limit like this:

CHILD: “This project looks terrible. I can’t hand this in.”

PARENT: “I can understand why you’d feel upset because you really
wanted the drawings to look more realistic, and you take
your homework seriously. You’ve also been working so
hard, and you want your teacher to get that.” (Putting it
into words)
CHILD: “Yeah, I just don’t know if I should spend time redoing the
drawings or hand it in anyways?”)
PARENT: “Sweetie, I believe in you, and I have a feeling that you’ll
make the right choice. Either way, I’m pretty sure it will
work out.” (Emotional support: communicating belief in the
child)
CHILD: “No, Mom! I don’t know what to do!”
PARENT: “How about this: I will give you half an hour to redo some
of the drawings. After half an hour, it’s time to stop. I will
let you know when you have 10 minutes left.” (Practical
support: providing structure and setting a limit)
CHILD: “Okay – but give me 5 minutes to get myself ready before
starting the timer!”

Here are other examples of ways you can offer emotional and
practical support to your child:

Emotional Support Ideas

Offer comfort in words or with physical affection (“Come here

and I’ll give you a hug”)
Provide reassurance (“I believe it will be OK”)
Communicate acceptance and non-judgment (“It’s totally normal
to feel that way”)
Communicate togetherness and availability (“We’re in this
together,” “I’m here for you”)
Communicate trust or belief in the child, his abilities, his good
intentions (“I believe you can get through this”)
Share enjoyment with your child (“Wow – that is so cool!”)
Allow space (space can be physical or psychological and time-
limited; the plan for reconnection must be clearly communicated
(“Why don’t I give you some space and I’ll check back in with
you in 5 minutes”).

Practical Support Ideas

Redirect your child to another thought or activity (e.g., playing a

game, engaging in a physical activity, listening to music)
Teach and practice communication and social skills (e.g.
teaching assertiveness)
Teach and practice mindfulness, self-compassion, and
relaxation skills (e.g. noticing the red objects in the room;
reminding the child that everyone struggles sometimes; belly
breathing)
Support your child to face fears (e.g. doing difficult things with
exposures to the anxiety-provoking thing or situation in a
 gradual, step-by-step way)
Use positive reinforcement (e.g. praising and/or rewarding
desirable behaviors)
Help your child to brainstorm ideas for a solution (e.g. taking
turns coming up with possible ideas)
Offer solutions to help solve the practical problem or take over
to solve the problem (e.g. suggesting that this is a problem that
needs adult help)
Offer a few choices or some degree of control over the situation
(e.g. narrowing the options for the child)
Set a limit (e.g. being clear about expectations or what needs to
happen)
Just be with your child and let the feelings run their course.

Okay, let’s summarize what we’ve covered so far. When you put into
words your child’s thoughts or feelings as if you were a mirror to his
inside voice, reflecting a few possibilities that connect with his
goodness, it helps the child’s brain get unstuck, or at least become
more flexible. Once in this more open state, it’s time to offer
emotional and practical support. It is so, so important to reiterate that
the sequencing of the steps is critical because the two steps
complement one another in the order we’ve described. It also bears
repeating that although it’s not a perfect solution, this framework
typically works much faster than if you were to jump immediately to
providing emotional or practical support such as reassurance,
offering an alternative perspective or limit-setting. Check out these
scenarios (Figures 2.3 and 2.4) to see if you can feel the difference.
Figure 2.3 The knee-jerk response
Figure 2.4 Validation and support

Getting Ready to Put It Together

Are the dialogues making you cringe because they don’t sound
realistic? Hopefully that doesn’t stop you from reading on. We’ll
provide the ideas, but we implore you to edit the language and
delivery to make it work better for you and your child. We’ll also give
you lots of workspace in the book to figure out your own version. And
we acknowledge that, to some degree, the responses aren’t fully
realistic since they’re a just a snapshot of what is possible. However,
we wish we could share with you the many anecdotes from parents
who were very skeptical at first but who made a commitment to
following the steps and were pleasantly surprised with what
transpired. There is no quick fix in human relationships, and the
structure described in this book won’t work 100% of the time. But it is
more likely to improve both your relationship with your child and your
own well-being as a parent.
Feeling overwhelmed? Forget everything we shared so far. For
now, just remember that building a bridge to speak your child’s inner
thoughts and emotions has a similar effect to the breath in calming
the brain and body. A child – regardless of their age – who receives
validation is able to think more clearly, solve problems more
effectively, and engage with others more collaboratively. Some
children may need the equivalent of one or two deep “breaths of
validation” before they can accept your emotional or practical
support, whereas others might need a bit more, but the process itself
is pretty universal.
 3
Potential Roadblocks

You may feel like this approach makes sense and you’re willing to
jump ahead to get started. Or, maybe you read our suggestions in
Chapters 1 and 2 and thought “Sure, it sounds nice on the page, but
you haven’t met my kid” or “That doesn’t sound like something I’d
ever say” or “I’m not sure this is a good idea.” Whatever you’re
thinking at this moment, we hope you’ll read on as we try to address
some of the more common reactions that may arise as you engage
with this book and try out these new strategies. We’ll handle some of
the most common ones up front in this chapter and weave others
into each scenario-chapter under the Pitfalls section.
Some of the most common concerns parents voice about using
this framework include the following:

1. Won’t focusing on negative emotions and behaviors just

reinforce them?
2. When there’s a problem or my child is upset, shouldn’t I be
focused on finding a solution?
3. Our life is too busy. I just don’t have time for this level of
engagement with my children every time they are upset.

These are totally legitimate concerns. Keeping these in mind, the

knee-jerk response makes a lot of sense because the goal is usually
to help by interrupting the child’s challenging emotion or behavior as
quickly as possible. At first glance, it addresses all three of the main
concerns just listed. So before we ask you to try something a little
different, let’s explore some of the logic behind our more automatic
responses.

When Children Have Big Feelings

Nothing quite prepares you for the intensity of feelings that comes
when you become a parent or caregiver. Every instinct tells you to
protect the child from harm, and you would do anything to keep them
safe. You probably remember the first time your child was hurt or
sick, even if it was just a cold. All we want is for them to feel better
as quickly as possible. It’s no different when our child is in emotional
pain. Try this: Your child comes home from school and cries out: “I’m
a loser and nobody likes me.” What is your automatic response?
Chances are it will sound like this: “No you’re not – you’re great!” or
“Why would you feel that way?” or “Forget them – they’re just
jealous!” All of these responses are normal. As parents, almost
nothing is more stressful than when our child is really upset. It’s even
worse when we don’t know what to do to solve their problem. All we
want to do is make it stop.
Let’s take another example, but this time instead of being sad or
worried, our child is angry or oppositional. If a child you care about
says: “I hate you! You don’t know anything!” what is your first
reaction? For most of us, it might be a version of “Don’t speak to me
that way!” or “Get up to your room!” Again, completely natural. This
time, our first concern isn’t helping our child feel less pain, but it’s still
“making it stop.” We don’t want disrespect or anger to go on or get
out of hand. We want to nip the problem in the bud so that our child
develops into a respectful member of society.
The issue is that the most recent advances in neuroscience are
suggesting that these old methods don’t work so well. Trying to stop
the storm is not as effective as hanging in there with our children and
supporting them to get through it. In fact, it can be counterproductive
to interrupt emotional processes too frequently in that kids then don’t
develop emotional self-efficacy, which is a term that refers to
confidence and skill in managing stress and distress and has been
linked to all kinds of positive outcomes later in life. In other words,
we don’t want to help our kids to feel better; we want to help our kids
to get better at feeling – as in to feel their feelings with confidence
and skill so that they eventually develop healthy coping skills (and
avoid the adoption of unhealthy strategies to avoid feeling bad). So
then why can we be so focused on wanting to make it stop?

We Are Brain-Wired to Our Children

When our children suffer, so do we. In fact, there is an old saying:
“As a parent, you are only as happy as your least happy child.”
Neuroscience is revealing the truth of that statement. Consider this:
When one of my children cuts a finger, I immediately shudder. It’s an
immediate instinct, before any time for rational thought or even
worry. How does that happen? It turns out that humans are wired for
empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
There are some interesting studies that illustrate the point.
Neuroscientist Tania Singer and her colleagues used brain scans
(functional MRI) to study what happens when you watch a loved one
experience pain. Her study showed that just witnessing the pain of a
loved one lights up the areas of your own brain involved in those
very same feelings. It’s like an internal mirror reflecting the other
person’s pain. In fact, you may have heard about the mirror neuron
system. Mirror neurons are brain cells that fire when a person
observes someone else’s action or experience. They help explain
why even young babies cry when they see another baby cry or why
we smile automatically when someone smiles at us. In other words,
these neurons “mirror” the feeling of another person, as though the
observer were itself the one feeling. The intensity of the mirror
neuron response seems to parallel the intensity of the emotional
bond with the other person. Imagine you hear that an acquaintance
from work got injured. Now imagine it’s your next-door neighbor.
What if it’s your sister or partner? Or the worst of all – your child. It’s
almost cruel of us to even suggest that, but we do so to illustrate the
point that our children draw a much stronger physical and emotional
reaction than anyone else. It may be because we love them so much
or see them as vulnerable, and it may also be because having
children actually wires our brains for caring, and especially for our
offspring. No wonder we try to show our children the bright side or
use distraction to move them to a new thought, feeling or activity!
When they feel pain, so do we. When they feel happy again, we feel
relief – for their sake and for ours.

Lucy’s 6-year-old son Oliver has always been a little on the shy side. He did pretty
well with the transition to kindergarten. But halfway through the year, the teacher went
on leave, and Oliver started having major tantrums each morning. Rationally, Lucy
knew full well that the new teacher was great and that Oliver could cope just fine, but
every morning, when Oliver started to scream and cry, she could feel her heart start
to beat faster and her muscles tensed. After a while, she started bracing herself for
Oliver’s reaction.

Why was Lucy’s body reacting so intensely to her son’s distress?

The short answer is that this is nature’s alarm system. Our ancestors needed to be
able to protect and care for their young in a variety of situations. Babies and young
children would not be able to survive alone in the wild, so their parents had to be
wired to protect them. Babies and young children also lack the verbal skills to
communicate what’s wrong – their body language, cries, and facial expressions have
to do the trick. So of course we respond when our children send off even the smallest
distress signals! Parents are nature’s megaphone for children’s cries.

We Want to Be “Good” Parents

Jenna works part time as a social worker in a downtown
neighborhood. She’s also a foster mother to two children. She
considers herself to be a compassionate and competent person and
strives to be an emotion-friendly parent. For her foster daughter
Chloe’s third birthday, Jenna decides to take her to the toy store to
pick out her own birthday gift. As they walk down the aisles, Jenna
delights in Chloe’s smile and enthusiasm. When they get to the row
of stuffed animals, Chloe’s eyes widen, and she grabs three animals
off the shelf, clutching them all tightly, and says, “I want these!”
Jenna looks at Chloe’s little face and the stuffed giraffe, pig, and dog
she’s holding. What a dilemma. Does she say yes to all three,
making Chloe happy, even though she only intended to buy one gift?
Or does she say no, risking a tantrum on what’s supposed to be her
special day? This poor little girl has already been through so much in
her young life. As Jenna takes a moment to think, an older woman
walks down the same aisle. She decides that she should stick to her
principles and tries to avoid using the word “no” by saying: “Pick the
one you love most and the other two can stay here and play with
their friends.” Not to be fooled, Chloe starts screaming, “No! I want
all of them!” Now Jenna is acutely aware of the older woman’s
seemingly disapproving stare. It gets to her, and she starts to feel
embarrassed. Now she feels more pressure as she decides what to
do next.
Nobody sets out to do a bad job as a parent. We all want to do our
best. Despite this, we all struggle with insecurities, and we want to
avoid embarrassment. We are also members of a society where
parent shaming and blaming goes on in all spheres of life, from
social media to workplaces to mommy groups and, unfortunately, in
our own families. There may even be an unwritten assumption that
parents are to blame for the negative things their children
experience, including their displays of “negative” emotion. To top it
off, our own inner critic may be loud enough for all to hear. For these
reasons, we as parents can be motivated to shut down our children’s
sadness or anger, and especially in public or in front of family or
friends. As mental health professionals, we can certainly relate to
this vignette. When going out to the mall or for dinner, our worst
nightmare is running into clients and colleagues when things are
upside down or sideways with our own family! We’re supposed to be
the pros after all! We can assure you – we are just as human as you
are, especially behind closed doors.

We Don’t Want Our Kids to Become Soft or Entitled

A common concern we hear about responding to our kids’ feelings is
that we do them no favors by making them “soft” when the world
around us is “hard.” After all, our kids’ coaches, professors, and
bosses aren’t going to validate their feelings. This isn’t how the real
world operates. And if we talk about feelings when they have just
done something wrong, there is a concern that then they are
basically getting away with the bad behavior. They need to learn
right from wrong and how to behave properly in society. Sound
familiar?
We agree fully that we need to set our sights on supporting our
children to develop resilience to manage the adversity they will
surely come across. We also agree that kids need to be taught right
from wrong. We have just learnt from research (and experience!)
that the educational messages don’t go in very well when kids are
super upset. Usually, when we give a punishment without addressing
the underlying emotions, kids then learn to behave to avoid
punishment, without having internalized the motivation to do
differently next time because it’s right or good. They also end up
feeling at odds with adults. Colleague Dr. Dan Siegel contends (and
we agree) that connection is what opens a child’s ears to redirection,
guidance, and the will to do good above all else. In other words,
when we can connect on an emotional level, it actually helps
consequences have more meaning for kids.
As to getting along in the real world, decades of research has
shown that kids who are raised with more discussion about their
emotions learn to regulate their upset feelings more easily and
function better in a number of areas, including academic
performance, social skills and physical health. These kids and teens
also experience fewer “negative” emotions overall, have greater self-
worth, and develop the ability to become more independent. It’s kind
of like armor against inner and outer adversity. When we can
accurately reflect kids’ thoughts and feelings and help them to sort
them out, they relate better to others too. Another win–win.

We Don’t Want to Make Them More Upset

There is a widely held perception in popular culture that leaning into
an emotion can create a landslide. That somehow if we acknowledge
our child’s pain, it will intensify it to the point of overflow. And to be
honest, there is a grain of truth to this. If a child’s lip is quivering and
his eyes are beginning to water, and you attend to his sadness, it is
likely that the tears will start to flow. Emotions rise, and they pass.
That is their nature. But thankfully it just isn’t true that our children
will become stuck in a never-ending cycle of feeling when we
validate them or support them to express their need – even if that
need is simply to feel heard. In fact, we are more likely to feel stuck
in our feelings when we try to push them away. When it comes to
distress, famed psychologist Carl Jung’s perspective was, “what you
resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”
Just for fun (and we fully acknowledge that we have a nerdy
definition of what it means to have fun ☺), imagine you just lost your
job, and when you tell your best friend how upset you are, she
immediately replies, “Oh, you’ll be fine. Want to go get a latte?” Even
though it’s a silly example, we know this would still feel bad. That’s
what it can feel like to kids when they’re really upset and we try to
minimize their problem or we are quick to reassure them or change
the subject. If instead we can talk about some of the painful feelings
our child is experiencing, they will feel more heard and understood,
and this will help them to ride the emotional wave.

Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you,

no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff
when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they
are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.
(Catherine M. Wallace)

Their Pain Hits Close to Home (Too Close Sometimes)

If as a child, it was difficult for you to make friends, it may be
especially hard for you to respond in an emotionally attuned way in
the event your child encounters social challenges. In other words,
when our child’s pain reminds us of our own pain, we hurt twice:
once for them in the present and once for ourselves in the past. If it’s
a particularly big hurt, we may not recognize the influence it still has
on us because our memory has a sneaky way of protecting us from
painful feelings too. So it’s a bit of a leap of faith to ask yourself: if a
situation with your child repeatedly feels really overwhelming or ends
in disaster, could it be that it’s opening up a box in your brain that
comes from the past? These hot spots are usually to do with our own
parents and families or the things that happened to us when we were
young. It certainly helps to become aware of the particular triggers
we have, and this awareness can help you with some of the
strategies we’ll discuss in the chapters ahead.

We Don’t Have Time

We are busy. We have other responsibilities. We have places to get
to. It’s unfortunate timing that many meltdowns occur right before or
during transitions. The more rushed we feel, the worse it seems to
go. How often do we say to ourselves; “I don’t have time for this!” In
these situations, we are usually less likely to feel helplessness and
worry and more impatience and frustration. Especially when the
reason behind the outburst is seemingly irrational. I’m talking about
when your 4-year-old can’t get dressed because his “underwear isn’t
comfortable” or your 12-year-old isn’t doing homework because her
“teacher is a jerk.” The more rushed we feel, the more we can kick
into high gear and repeat the same instruction over and over to get
kids moving: “Okay kids, time to get dressed please … Kids! It’s time
to get dressed … Hey! I said it’s time to get dressed … CLOTHES –
NOW!”
 You’d think that with how often we engage the strategy of
repetition, it would be a sure thing. Unfortunately – and you don’t
need us to tell you this – it doesn’t usually speed things up, at least
not without escalating to threats of consequences, which can then
further escalate the situation when your kid is feeling really stuck in
an emotional storm. And so it can actually end up taking a lot more
time not to address what might be going on underneath. If you often
find yourself in a rut with your child when there’s a time pressure, it
may be worth experimenting to see if this approach may actually
save you time or at least decrease the tension in the home while
getting the job done. Remember: How much time are you prepared
to invest to avoid a meltdown or increase engagement? Hopefully we
can convince you to give it a shot for a couple of minutes – for their
sake but also for yours!

We Were Conditioned to Do So
Remember when your child was a toddler and you would do literally
anything – including dance like a fool – if it meant she would stop
crying? This is actually a cultural phenomenon. Simple as that.
When our child is in distress – in other words – when they feel sad,
mad or afraid, we often make desperate attempts to transform their
pain with distraction or other techniques. We will even go so far as to
try to convince our children that they shouldn’t be feeling the way
they do: “There’s no need to be upset – it’s not a big deal”; “You’re
just [hungry or tired].” Why? Because this is what we were taught to
do, and for generations.
We’ve also been conditioned to be “fixers.” If a child cuts himself
badly enough to need stitches, we don’t hesitate to get him patched
up. There is a clear-cut action that fixes the problem. Similarly, with
emotional wounds and upsets, we have been socialized to take
action (don’t just stand there, do something!), with less time spent
learning how to comfort others emotionally. It can feel like just
listening or talking aren’t really doing anything or not doing enough,
and it can make parents feel ineffective, useless, or helpless to just
sit there. Yet children really value our attentive presence. Often, they
appreciate our presence and willingness to listen open-mindedly
even more than any practical suggestions about how to solve the
problem. Have you ever watched the YouTube video “It’s Not About
the Nail”? Highly recommended if you feel like your loved one just
doesn’t appreciate your advice, no matter how good it is!
To complicate matters further, even though all emotions have
biological functions, we’ve come to categorize them as “bad” and
“good,” and so emotional pain and happiness can feel like opposites
for many. Our society’s “pursuit of happiness” can also put a lot of
pressure on parents to “raise happy kids.” If the definition of
happiness is the absence of suffering, then of course we want to
make our kids’ upset feelings go away as quickly as possible. Take
for example when you bring your child to the dentist for the first time.
The first instinct can be to reassure him beforehand, “Don’t worry, it
will be okay.” Or maybe to reassure him during the procedure: “It’s
almost done!” At the heart of our efforts is a deep wish for him not to
worry and not to hurt. The same is true of emotional pain. If your
daughter comes home from school and says no one played with her
at recess or her friends insulted her on social media, you’d give
anything to take that hurt away. You don’t want her to be sad; you
want her to be happy, and the most common strategy we’ve been
taught to move from sad to happy is to reassure, distract and
problem-solve.

Take a moment, close your eyes and imagine a time when you felt rejected as a child
or teen. Remember who was there, what was said, and how it felt. Now imagine you
finally connect with a trusted caregiver, and you tell her how badly it felt to experience
the exclusion. She responds with: “I’m sure they didn’t mean it” or “Anyone would be
lucky to hang out with you.” Feel better? If so, chances are it will only be temporary.
Reassurance can bring short-term relief, there’s no doubt. But if it’s the only strategy,
children can be left feeling alone in their pain or with the impression that the adult
can’t handle “going there” with them. There is only one thing worse than being
excluded at school, and that’s having nobody to talk to about how bad it can feel.

To bring awareness to the ways in which your early experiences

shaped your response patterns, consider the following questions:

Which displays of emotion were most taboo in my home growing up?

Anxiety Sadness Embarrassment Anger Other:

_________

How did I work through my feelings of anxiety? What kind of support

did I get from the adults in my life?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

How did I work through my feelings of sadness? What kind of

support did I get from the adults in my life?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

How did I work through my feelings of embarrassment? What kind of

support did I get from the adults in my life?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

How did I work through my feelings of anger? What kind of support

did I get from the adults in my life?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

How did these experiences affect my comfort with supporting my

child’s expression of:

Anxiety:
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Sadness:
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Embarrassment:
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Anger:
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Other:
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Counter-Conditioning: Going against the Grain to

Weather the Storm Together
In the best of times, your child will respond to your new manner of
communication with love and gratitude. You will literally see the
effects of the calming neurochemicals right before your eyes, and in
seconds. When they are overwhelmed and almost overboard,
however, you may feel like you’re dealing with a hurricane. They may
literally whirl around or cry and scream and be totally out of control.
We often expect more from older kids because they may seem more
physically organized, but actually they can lose control of their
emotions too. They may swear, dig in their heels, and refuse to do
things or generally act in ways that are unpleasant. It’s during these
times that kids really need their parents to help them weather the
emotional storm. One preteen described feeling like she was
drowning in “emotion soup.” She knew something big was going on,
but she had no idea how to make sense of it, much less what to do
to make it stop. That’s because the brain structures responsible for
regulation aren’t fully developed until adulthood, and even then, the
capacity to manage one’s emotions comes from co-regulation and
practice, and some kids need more of it than others.
 This means that as much as we may all want to avoid pain and
disruption, the only way out of emotion is actually through it. Sigh –
it’s true. If we sidestep emotion, over time it may build up or come
out in other ways, usually with unhealthy behaviors like aggression,
zoning out with the Internet or food, or, in some situations, it can
increase the possibility of serious mental health symptoms like
substance use and self-harm. If, instead, we can work with our
emotions (even the unpleasant ones), we find that they eventually
pass and we gain the confidence that we can manage them in the
future. This process of working through feelings is what we want to
suggest you learn to do with your children using the easy-to-use
framework we are proposing. And by easy-to-use, we mean easy-to-
use-most-of-the-time and practice, practice, practice. And when it’s
not-at-all-easy-to-use-are-you-shrinks-for-real?, Chapter 4 can be a
really helpful resource. So now that we are committed to interrupting
these societal and intergenerational patterns of emotion avoidance
(right?), it’s good to ready our mindset. How you ask? Maya Angelou
says it best:

Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst, and unsurprised
by anything in between.
(Maya Angelou)
 4
Staying on Track

We are not exaggerating when we say that caring for a child is

probably the hardest job any of us will ever do. It is probably the
most rewarding too, but if you’re like most parents and caregivers,
that doesn’t really matter in the middle of a total crisis. And when we
are stressed, overtired, or just plain irritable, we can lose control and
say or do things we later regret. The good news is that we can
increase our capacity to choose what we say and what we do by
checking in with ourselves and engaging our nervous system to our
advantage. After this chapter, we’ll (finally!) be getting on with the
meat of this book and providing you with ways to respond to
challenging parenting scenarios. In order to do this, it is important to
be calm enough ourselves. Not necessarily peaceful and Zen, but
reasonably calm. If your head is about to explode in frustration,
trying to squeeze yourself into some recommended words probably
won’t have the desired effect.
By the way, as clinicians, parents, and fellow humans, we
have zero expectation that you will always remain level-headed. It’s
actually strange for kids when they do something really aggravating
and a parent responds with forced calm. In other words, it’s normal
to react! The key is that, while making sure the reaction is genuine,
it’s best if it doesn’t escalate your child further or hurt your
relationship. Again, nothing needs to be (or can be) perfect. You can
almost always address a reaction that’s gone awry, but we want to
set you up for a higher chance of success. So how does one keep
some balance in the face of total kid meltdowns? This chapter
reviews new and well-known strategies that can be used to refocus
or reorient when we’re on the edge ourselves. We’ll also highlight
some of the ideas we’ve found most helpful personally, with clients
and from research on parenting stress.

The Breath Is the Brain’s Remote Control

Although highly underrated, the simple act of taking a few deep
breaths does help to get the space needed to figure things out in the
middle of a chaotic situation. How? Scientists have found that the
breath is like the remote control for our nervous system. If you take a
series of quick shallow breaths, your sympathetic nervous system
will activate as if in the face of danger. Likewise, inhaling slowly and
deeply through the nose activates the parasympathetic nervous
system, which is responsible for bringing our body back to baseline.
When our nervous system calms, so too does our mind, allowing us
to regain access to the capacities for reason and logic that were
previously blocked by stress. That’s why when we are highly
emotional we are more likely to do or say something we regret once
we regain our composure. We’ve all “lost it” with our kids at one time
or another, and those memories can feel pretty bad – we have quite
a few that are cringe-worthy ourselves (and isn’t it amazing just how
incredible children’s memories can be for our bloopers?). Thankfully,
a couple of deep inhales can cut that risk dramatically. It’s also a
technique that is there for you anytime, anyplace, and in front of
anyone, and it comes with zero side effects.

Simple Breathing Exercises in the Moment

1. Belly Breathing

a. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your belly. This will allow
you to feel your diaphragm move as you breathe.
b. Breathe in slowly through your nose so that your stomach moves out
against your hand.
 c. Exhale slowly through your mouth, keeping your lips open, but close
together so that you can hear the breath escape.
d. Repeat until you feel calmer.

2. Counting while Breathing

a. Inhale for a count of three.

b. Hold for a count of three.
c. Exhale for a count of three.
d. Repeat until you feel calmer.

You can use these techniques before engaging with your child or in the heat of the
moment. Yes it may seem silly, odd, or impractical to take a breathing break in the
middle of a heated debate or while your child is having a tantrum in front of you.
However, doing so will greatly reduce your potential for reactivity, and you will benefit
from the power of mirror neurons in that your child may also calm down some by
watching you regain composure.

Self-Compassion in the Midst of Crisis

If possible, after or while breathing, notice that your child is upset
and that you are upset too. Remind yourself that it’s normal to be
upset in this situation and that many other parents would feel exactly
the same way. Tell yourself that on some level, it makes sense for
your child as well. If it feels like the right thing to do, you can
acknowledge that your internal “parent alarm” is going off. You may
even recognize one of the common triggers that set it off, like the
ones we referenced in Chapter 3. Chances are, you may not
immediately have time or space to recognize the sensations,
emotions, or thoughts that come along with your internal alarm, and
that’s okay. That may be something to reflect on after the storm has
passed. During the moment, you may, however, want to pause just
to acknowledge that you and your child are in a tough spot and that
you’re doing the best you can. Engaging in this way can help us to
find our footing again.
Dr. Kristin Neff is the mother of a child with autism and also one of
the leading experts in the field of self-compassion. She developed a
brief exercise called the Self-Compassion Break. We have found this
works well for parents and caregivers in the midst of difficult times
with their children.

Dr. Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break

To begin, say to yourself:

1. This is a Moment of Suffering

That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

This hurts.
Ouch.
This is stress.

2. Suffering is a Part of Life

That’s common humanity. Other options include:

Other people feel this way.

I’m not alone.
We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle
touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt
right for you.

Say to yourself:

3. May I be Kind to Myself

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to
myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

May I give myself the compassion that I need.

May I learn to accept myself as I am.
May I forgive myself.
May I be strong.
May I be patient.

This practice can be used any time of day or night and will help you remember to
evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

Source: www.selfcompassion.org; reprinted with permission

Briefly Focus on Something Besides the Problem

Remembering to breathe or to be kind to oneself doesn’t work for
everyone all the time. For some people, it helps to pay attention to
things outside of oneself to refocus with a new set of eyes and a
calmer mind and body. Using any of your six senses – vision,
hearing, taste, smell, touch, or the perception of your body – can
also help to trigger a reset.

Sensory Reset
1. Look around at objects in the room. Notice their color or shape. Carefully
examine a picture or plant.
2. Take out your headphones and listen to a soothing piece of music.
3. Eat a fruit slowly, taking time to notice the aroma, texture, and taste.
4. Take out some of your favorite essential oils. A simple smell can do the trick.
5. Hold a pillow and notice how it feels. Feel the fabric under your skin.
6. Stretch your arms overhead or do circles with your wrist, noticing the
movement.
7. Give your arm a gentle squeeze or wrap yourself in a hug.

You can even focus your senses on your child in this way to help you
to feel calmer in the moment (although we don’t recommend you
start to smell them!). Take a few seconds to look at your child as if
you were seeing her for the first time. Notice her appearance, the
tone of her voice. Try to pay attention to what she is saying, listening
carefully to her choice of words. Doing so will help you to feel calmer,
even in the midst of challenging interactions. It also helps to see new
possibilities for solutions for when you are ready to reengage.

Let Your Child Know a Bit About How You’re Feeling

While some parents react more strongly than they’d like to, other
parents may hold too much back. If you’re a parent who always tries
to be strong for your child and keeps your own feelings mostly
hidden so as not to burden him, it can sometimes help to share a
little bit more. We definitely don’t recommend doing so with the
expectation the child will comfort you or to relay how upset you are
so the child will feel badly, yet censoring your own feelings
completely can leave your child feeling confused (because they
sense something is going on anyway) and cause the pressure to
build up inside you even more. Saying something simple and
genuine like: “I’m struggling right now with how to be here for you” or
“I’m worried about how we’re talking to each other” can help both
you and your child feel calmer.

Take an Actual Break

Although we really encourage caregivers to stay with children as
much as possible while they are upset, sometimes parents need
some space to settle and to come back to themselves. Ideally, you
have already communicated to your children that sometimes parents
need to take breaks to calm down. That way, when it happens, there
is some point of reference for your child that can help them cope
while you’re “away.” If you use this strategy, you must also let your
child know that you will be back to reconnect with her in a few
minutes so that she doesn’t feel rejected or left alone in her distress.
She may still react to your need for a break with increased upset,
especially if she is younger, and so it is important to be aware that
this reaction is normal and to reengage as soon as possible. If your
child is of preschool age, you can say, “Mommy/Daddy needs a
break to calm down so I can help you. I will be right here – I am not
leaving.” If you need to go into another room, do not lock children
outside, as this can lead to them feeling panicked about the
separation. If your child is of school age, you can say, “I need a
break right now. I’m still with you, I just need some quiet to think and
breathe so I can help you in the best way possible. We can talk
again in 5 minutes.” Depending on their personality, it could even be
helpful to set a timer to help them to handle the stress of waiting.
Finally, it is important to remember that in these situations, the break
is for the parent. It’s not necessarily what the child wants or needs,
and so it is a go-to strategy when it’s just not possible to calm down
in your child’s presence and you are out of options.
 How to Know When You Need a Minute (or More)
1. You are debating back and forth with your child, and it isn’t going anywhere.
2. You feel yourself getting more and more frustrated (rising voice, tensing
muscles, feeling hot) or you feel overwhelmed, helpless, or hopeless.
3. Your child looks to you like they are purposely trying to hurt or manipulate you.
4. You feel the urge to hurt your child verbally or physically.
5. You start arguing with your co-parent or other adults about the child’s emotions
or behaviors in the midst of the child’s meltdown.
6. You start blaming yourself or others for your child’s upset or negative behaviors.

It’s Not Personal and the Power of the Mantra

When overwhelmed with emotion, kids (and adults) are more likely to
blame others for their pain than to reflect on their inner states. Most
kids generally haven’t learned to recognize that just because they’re
upset doesn’t mean it’s someone else’s fault. That means that in
these moments, if your child screams “I wish you weren’t my dad!”
it’s not 100% related to what you did or didn’t do. Let’s couple this
with fascinating research that shows that when we are stressed, we
are more likely to take things personally because our neurological
default mode in this state is to protect and defend. This means that
in the scenario just described, you may feel the urge rise within you
to respond with some sort of defense or counterattack. So far, we’ve
explained how parents are brain-wired to their kids. The connection
is true in reverse. Kids know they are most safe and secure with the
people who love them most, so they are more likely to let loose and
blame them most harshly. When your kid is stressed, and so are
you, it can be helpful to harness the power of the mantra. Mantras
have been used for centuries and can change mind-tracks,
especially when the record in our brain is skipping (do people still
use records?!). When we are triggered and we can’t calm our own
brainstorm fast enough, mantras can take the edge off just enough
to stay above water. The spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle shares: “It is
never the situation that cause suffering, it is our thoughts about it.” A
mantra such as “It’s not about me, it’s not about me” or “We love
each other even when we fight, we love each other even when we
fight,” or “She’s just a kid, she’s just a kid” can help you to calm
yourself enough to show up in a way that is more likely to be loving
and productive.

Phone a Friend
It’s not just a lifeline on a popular game show! Nothing compares to
the relief that comes from telling a good friend how badly things have
gone, knowing they won’t judge us or that they’ve been through the
same or worse with their own kids. During the heat of an argument
or meltdown, there often isn’t much time, but taking a few minutes to
text or call a co-parent or helpful friend or family member may be
worth it if it supports a system reset.

Marvel at the Absurdity of Life with Kids

And finally … Some people do really respond well to a comedy
break, even in the darkest times. When things are at their worst, you
may need some help to dig your sense of humor out from under the
heaps of garbage you’re living through in this moment. There’s a
reason why the parody book Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam
Mansbach became a New York Times bestseller and shelves are
lined with tongue-in-cheek books like I Just Want to Pee Alone and
The Sh!t No One Tells You. Reading and watching other parents’
stories lets us see that “we’re in this together” and gives us a little
distance from the fray. It’s not just idle distraction to watch your
favorite comedy special or sitcom; laughing is medicine. Once the
dust has settled on a difficult day, you may even want to journal or
write about the situation your own family has encountered. Many
successful blogs and parenting books have started with nothing but
a single, frustrated parent, trying to survive the day with a little bit of
humor.
 Part II
What to Say to Kids When …

As promised, the rest of this book is devoted to scenarios where

we’ll have you practice using the framework we shared with you in
Chapters 1 and 2. The more you practice, the easier this becomes,
but nothing replaces knowing your own kid. That’s why we’ll provide
examples that we’ve found to be helpful, but it’s much more
important for you to imagine what’s best for you and your child. Once
you’ve surveyed the options, we’ll invite you to adapt the model to fit
the particular needs of your child and your own unique style.
A couple of last points to ponder before we get started. There
have been thousands of parenting books published over many
decades. These often fall into two broad categories: managing
behavior or helping with feelings. Just focusing on feelings can lead
to both parent and child getting stuck on a merry-go-round of
emotion; just focusing on behavior can lead to misunderstandings
and disconnect. Our hope is to address both aspects, because both
are important. It’s helpful to think a bit about which half of the
equation is your natural comfort zone. If you are someone who feels
at home with practical parenting strategies, you’ll probably want to
pay particular attention to the parts on building a bridge, emotion
translations, and putting it into words to create some balance. If you
tend to tune into emotions and talk about feelings with your children
more easily and readily, you may want to focus on the sections
relating to getting practical, including setting limits.
 No matter what your leanings as a parent or caregiver, it’s
universal that kids are more flexible and bounce back more easily
when the basics are taken care of. We know that kids melt down
more easily when tired, stressed, or hungry. What we sometimes
forget to take stock of is the state of their “emotional cup.” Kids fill up
their cup through connection with the adults who love them. This
may be through hugs, playing together, or just spending quality time
together. Kids with a full cup will respond even more easily to the
practices ahead. But if it’s been hard or next to impossible to fill their
cup in these ways (maybe even because it’s been difficult to be
around your child lately), not to worry. The examples in the coming
pages will show how you can begin to fill your child’s cup even in the
midst of the chaos of everyday life and even during your toughest
moments together.
Alright! Are you ready? Let’s do this!
 5
“I Don’t Want to …”

Let’s jump right in with the parenting scenario that is perhaps the
most frequently encountered: asking our kids to do something and
getting a less than enthusiastic response. When we make requests
of our children, they are usually practical demands related to
activities of daily living – getting dressed, eating dinner, doing
homework, getting to bed. Because what we’re asking is so
reasonable and necessary, it makes it even more frustrating when
our children resist. If we don’t want to get stuck in the same old
power struggle, we need to try something different. How we respond
to their resistance can be a true game-changer.

Scenario A: “I Don’t Want to Come for Dinner”

In this scenario, let’s assume your child is playing outside with her
friends in the neighborhood. When you call her to come in for dinner,
she yells back, “I don’t want to! I’m not even hungry.”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Come on sweetie, you can go out and play later.”

“I worked hard on this meal – let’s go!”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Too bad! It’s time to eat.”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you his or her
version of: “I don’t want to come for dinner.”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

Imagine you worked in an environment where you were definitely the
subordinate employee. Your opinion mattered, but ultimately your
superiors got the final say. They decided when you had to work,
when you got to take a break – even when and what you ate. That
said, you love your job, and most of the time you think your bosses
are great. But sometimes it feels frustrating that you don’t have more
leeway, even if you haven’t quite got a handle on the extent of your
role. Now let’s use this frame of reference to remember what it’s like
to be a kid and to have to cooperate with umpteen requests per day,
from various adults in their life. Children, like adults, want to have
some independence. This is a normal human need. Let’s also
remember how much fun it was to play! As adults, we may no longer
have that luxury, but play is what children do. It’s their work, their
language, their joy, and something they need for their growth and
development.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m having a lot of fun with my friends!”
Possibility B: “I don’t want to miss out on the next game.”
Possibility C: “My stomach hasn’t given me the signal that I’m hungry
yet.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

*Reminder: If you are feeling stressed, upset or overwhelmed,

engaging in this mental exercise can be a real challenge. You might
find that taking a break or a couple of deep breaths might make it
easier to brainstorm possible emotional translations.

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to come in when you’re
having so much fun.”
Option 2. “Dinner is probably the last thing on your mind! Especially
that you’re just about to start a new game.”
Option 3. “I can imagine you want to wait until you’re good and
hungry before leaving your friends.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you wouldn’t want to come in for dinner because
__________, and because _________, and because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: It makes sense that a child might feel annoyed
when asked to stop something he likes doing. Validating his
perspective as demonstrated, including acknowledging his
frustration, will help. Children need to feel that parents respect their
emerging competence – that they are their own people with their
own wishes who can start to make some of their own choices.
Putting it into words shows that you get this, even though you are
still the one setting the schedule and rules for the family. If your child
is worried about missing out on something with friends, she might
also need reassurance – for example, there will be a next time
before too long. Seems simple (and perhaps totally obvious) but
when said with sincerity, it can help to make the transition an easier
one for your child’s brain.

Practical support: Competing with “fun” can be hard. This means

that even after you’ve tried to put it in words and offered
reassurance, many children will need you to repeat the request and
set a clear limit. When responding to your child in this way (and
using this sequence), you may still hear mumbles and grumbles, but
it is much more likely that they will be in the house faster and with
much less tension, if any.

Next time you need to call your son or daughter for dinner, you may
also consider giving a 10-minute warning so that your child can
mentally prepare for the upcoming transition. Some kids need a
frequent countdown, and some need an adult physically close to
help them through transitions. If it’s possible to offer them a bit more
control over their schedule, once everyone is calm, you can sit down
ahead of time and ask them what might work best to help them
change tracks. This situation is a great opportunity to work on
problem-solving together with your child.

Sample Script: “I Don’t Want to Come for Dinner.”

PARENT: “Hey sweets, what show are you watching?”
CHILD: (not looking away from the screen) The Friendly Forest.
PARENT: “What’s going on? It looks like Freda the Fox is being
silly.”
CHILD: “Yeah, she’s pretending to be a dog. She’s wagging her
tail.”
PARENT: “I can see you really like this show. We’re having dinner
soon, so you’ll have to come to the table for dinner in 10
minutes.”
CHILD: (whining) “Noooo. I want to watch the rest of the show.”
PARENT: “It looks like a good one. Spaghetti doesn’t seem as fun
as Freda the Fox, now, does it?”
CHILD: (still whining) “No. I want to see what happens next. I want
to see why she’s trying to be a dog.”
PARENT: “I bet you do! It’s hard to go from the television to the
dinner table, especially when you want to know what’s
going to happen next! I bet you wish that dinner were
later. I’ll tell you what, I’ll come back in 10 minutes and if
the show isn’t over, we can pause it so that you can finish
watching it after we eat. You can press ‘pause’ or I can.”
CHILD: “Okay, I’m going to press it.”
PARENT: “Deal. And we can try to guess over dinner why that silly
fox is pretending to be a dog.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “He shouldn’t need to be told twice.” When you tell adults, “It’s
time to go,” they usually get their shoes and coat on and are out the
door (okay – most of the time!). Kids move much more slowly,
sometimes get distracted, and sometimes get stuck. It actually takes
cognitive flexibility for a child to move one from one activity to
another, especially since the part of the brain responsible for “shifting
sets” is not fully developed until adulthood. Depending on their
developmental stage (not their age), it can be harder to do for some
kids. This is especially true when the activity to which they are
transitioning isn’t as “rewarding.” Because of this, it’s worthwhile to
expect a certain degree of resistance as part of a normal interaction
when giving a command. When it feels like disrespect, parent and
child can get drawn into a standoff where both parties lose flexibility.
When you assume your child is stuck rather than just oppositional, it
allows you to find more productive ways to help him move forward.

2. “What’s the big deal if he stays out longer? I don’t want to be

controlling.” Some of us grew up with military-style discipline and
don’t want to repeat that for our children. Or we don’t want to upset a
child who is finally having fun. If it really works for you to let your
child have dinner later, there may be no issue; however, when
children are able to refuse their parents’ requests too often, it can set
up a dynamic in which the child is in control. Children feel safer when
their parents are in charge and anxious when they aren’t, no matter
how much they act like they prefer it. Thankfully, when you can
validate your child’s perspective and stay in charge, it isn’t
“controlling” but rather teaching and guiding your child to stay on
track in a supportive way.

3. “I’m starting to notice that the resistance is mainly around

food and mealtimes.” Good catch. There are many reasons for
hesitancy around eating and mealtimes that don’t have to do with
just “missing out on fun.” Some kids have trouble sitting still at the
table, some have sensory issues with foods’ tastes or textures, some
have anxiety about a part of the eating process, and some may be
developing concerns around body image or weight. Along these
lines, studies show that 25% of boys and 30% of girls aged 10 to 14
years will experiment with dieting behaviors. Dieting frequently starts
in kids as young as 8. In some cases, food resistance persists and
can have negative health outcomes for kids. Dieting can lead to
increased risk for weight management problems, even eating
disorders. If you are worried about your child’s eating behaviors,
regardless of underlying cause, it is not advised to adopt a “wait and
see approach.” Rather, check in with your primary care provider to
discuss your concerns.
Reflections

What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s

experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Scenario B: “I Don’t Want to Go to bed”

It’s bedtime. In some homes, bedtime comes with elaborate plans
and strategies, all to avoid a one-way street to meltdown city. Kids
resist bedtime for any number of reasons. They may be afraid of the
dark, they are still wired from the day, or they may simply have a bad
case of FOMO (fear of missing out). In this scenario, when you tell
your child it’s bedtime, they cry, “Noooooo, I don’t want to go to bed!”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Sorry kiddo – it’s that time.”

“Honey, you’re tired and you need good sleep to be healthy.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“If you don’t get to bed in the next 5 minutes, there’s no story and
definitely no screen time after dinner tomorrow!”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you his version of
“I don’t want to go to bed.”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

My kid once shared this with me: “It’s not fair that kids have to sleep
alone when parents always get to sleep together in the same bed!
They always have company!”
How true! I had not crossed the bridge to Child Island in that way
before! It is so easy to forget what it’s like to be a small kid in a big
world where your sense of safety comes from being with your
caregivers. Never mind the dark! Easy for us to reassure our
children, even lose patience with them, since our brains have since
evolved. It’s hard to remember what it was actually like to be alone in
our bedrooms when our parents were still going about their daily
lives without us. The same can be true with kids with older siblings.
They often struggle to understand that they have different
developmental needs, and so they can feel hurt or offended by the
different expectations.
Other children are just too revved up to go to sleep. The child who
has lots of energy before bed is no different from how we feel after
too much coffee. It can be physically hard to settle down when wired,
no matter how tired you are underneath. Kids may anticipate lying in
bed feeling jittery, physically uncomfortable, or bored and therefore
resist doing so.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m scared to be in my room by myself in the dark, and
I’m embarrassed to admit it.”
Possibility B: “It feels unfair that my sister gets to stay up and I don’t.
I feel like a baby when I have to go to bed and nobody else does.”
Possibility C: “I’m too energetic, and if I go to bed now, I’m just going
to feel very bored and very uncomfortable.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “Aw – I understand you don’t want to go to bed. It can feel
a little scary to be upstairs all alone, and that’s not a good feeling.”
Option 2. “Being the first to bed is hard. I can imagine you don’t want
to miss out on what we’re doing. It probably doesn’t feel fair that your
sister gets to stay up later.”
Option 3. “No wonder you don’t want to go to bed, you have so much
energy. It feels like we’re asking you to flip a switch and suddenly be
calm when your body wants to jump around.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you wouldn’t want to go to bed right now because
__________, and because _________, and because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: In general, bedtime can be a great time to
connect with your child. It can really help to leave some time, maybe
10 minutes, to engage in connection with your child where the only
person in the world that matters to you is her. This kind of connection
acts like a fuel for cooperation. Because it can be so hard in our
hectic lives to find the time to do so, when you build in this very
special ritual in the bedtime routine, your child may actually look
forward to getting into bed – or at least they are likely to be far less
resistant. If you have more than one kid, 10 minutes may not be
possible, but even 2 minutes of special time can help.
Children who are anxious about separation or the dark may also
need to feel your confidence in their ability to cope and manage.
Once you’ve validated their feelings, it can be helpful to provide
some reassurance – that the room is safe, that you’re nearby and
will see them in the morning – but there is also a limit on
reassurance where it becomes counterproductive. For example,
checking once for monsters under the bed can be done in a way that
is cute and supportive, but checking twice or three times can fuel the
fear.
For the child who is more energetic or disappointed about
potentially missing out on the fun, conveying that you get it and that
there is always more to look forward to tomorrow can be helpful too.

Practical support: For all kids, routine and consistency can help a
lot with bedtime. General principles are the following:

1. Restrict screens for 1 hour before bed.

2. Set the same bedtime every night (ideally on weekends too).
 3. Keep a similar routine every night (bath, pajamas, tooth
brushing, story, cuddle, etc.).
4. Use a meaningful object (e.g., blanket, stuffed toy) to help child
feel more comfortable if sleeping alone.
5. Weave relaxation and mindfulness activities into the routine.
The ol’ counting sheep strategy can also be a way to calm the
busy mind and body.
6. Remember that good sleep is vital to kids’ and parents’ health
and wellbeing. If the child’s emotions or behavior are controlling
bedtime, then additional strategies will be needed. Please refer
to the section on Sleep in Chapter 24: Recommended
Readings.

*Reminder: Your ace in the hole is sincerity. Thanks to their mirror

neurons, your child’s brain will register that your efforts are genuine,
leading to a release of calming neurochemicals regardless of how
well you follow the structure provided.

Sample Script: “I Don’t Want to Go to bed”

PARENT: “Honey! It’s bedtime. Get your jammies on, brush your
teeth, and I’ll be right there to tuck you in.”
CHILD: “Aw, can I please stay up for a while longer? We just
started a new game.”
PARENT: “No sweetie. It’s after 8pm already.”
CHILD: “You’re always ruining our fun. I’m not even tired.”
PARENT: “You know, I actually don’t blame you for not wanting to go
to bed. Adults love to sleep, but most kids don’t want to
miss out on more fun time at home. Especially since
tomorrow means the start of another school day.”
CHILD: “Exactly! So why won’t you let me stay up later?”
PARENT: “So sorry kiddo. It’s time. I promise you’ll have more
playtime tomorrow.”
CHILD: (getting angry) “I don’t want to!”
PARENT: “I bet that it’s hard to be told what to do all the time, and it
can feel lonely in bed, especially when you know Max is
still up with us. It might even make you feel like a little kid.
Tomorrow after dinner we can sit down and talk about
bedtime, but right now I bet you can’t beat me up the
stairs to the bathroom!”
CHILD: “Fine but I get a head start!”

Common Pitfalls
1. “They just need to go to sleep.” Hard to refer to this as a pitfall
because it’s true. However, if your child has been stuck in a cycle of
protesting sleep, he may need some extra support to break that
cycle. You may feel that your child shouldn’t need external support to
get to bed or be concerned he will rely on you for too long. Trust us,
kids don’t want to go to college with a stuffy, nor do they want their
parents to tuck them in forever. It is normal in many societies in the
world for children to sleep in bed with their parents for longer than
what we consider to be “normal.” Humans evolved sleeping together
for safety, and our kids’ brains are still very much wired for survival.
Therefore, kids need to be taught that it’s safe to sleep alone, and
some kids need a tad bit more of that teaching. And when they get a
bit older and feel lonely, they may need to be taught again.

2. “My child is a master at the ‘one more thing’ strategy.” First

it’s more pages of the story, then a glass of water, then a sore
stomach. When kids keep calling you back over and over again, it’s
enough to drive any parent up the wall. If you’re at the end of your
rope, it’s really important to use the emotion translator so that you
can hear what’s hidden in your child’s repeated requests: “This
transition is really hard.” As you likely figured out long ago, it’s not
about the water or the itch; it’s about missing you, or worry. If as
above you can speak to the feeling: “You’re really thirsty, and it’s also
a bit hard to say goodnight,” you can follow this up with a support
strategy: “If you miss me at night, you can squeeze Mr. Dog and I’m
giving him my special hug to hold just for you.” And by all means, set
your limit. Nothing fuels frustration like feeling like you have to give in
to every demand; it’s helpful to be clear about what you will and
won’t do at bedtime, and remember that your calm and confident
approach to your child is what’s most helpful.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Scenario C. “I Don’t Want to Do My homework”

In this next “I don’t want to …” scenario, let’s assume it’s time for
homework. Your son really struggles with reading, and that’s what’s
on tonight’s agenda. You’re already dreading it. It’s always a battle,
and you’re worried he’s going to have a really negative relationship
with reading, even homework in general. When you ask him to get
his book out, he responds, “I don’t want to! The teacher gave us the
dumbest book.”
The Knee-Jerk Response
Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“I’m sure it’s not that bad. The sooner you get through your chapter,
the sooner you can move on to something else.”

“Honey, you are doing SO well. You get better all the time but you
need to keep practicing.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Don’t be rude. Your teacher works hard to support your learning. No

book is dumb.”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“I don’t want to do my homework.”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

There are many reasons a child may not want to read. Children
develop reading skills at different paces, and sometimes the material
is just too difficult for them at that time. For children with language-
based learning differences, reading can feel like asking them to build
a bridge. There are so many invisible components to the task, and
it’s easy to get overwhelmed without the proper supports. And
imagine being asked to perform a difficult task in front of other
people (even your parents); children can feel a lot of embarrassment
at the prospect of letting on that something is hard for them,
especially if “everyone else” can do it just fine. Other children
struggle with attention span, sitting still and focusing on a less
preferred activity. Even at the best of times and with no underlying
cognitive issues, reading and other school tasks require mental
energy and the enjoyment develops over time.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “When I struggle to read, it makes me feel really bad
about myself and I don’t want to feel that way.”
Possibility B: “The content of the book doesn’t reflect my interests,
so it’s hard to stay focused.”
Possibility C: “My brain is tired after a long day at school, so the idea
of doing something mentally challenging sounds painful.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “I can understand why you wouldn’t want to dive in.
Reading is not your favorite subject, and so I imagine it’s not a lot of
fun.”
Option 2. “I bet you’re not excited to read about more farm animals;
it’s too bad the book isn’t about motorcycles.”
Option 3. “I can imagine that after a long day, the thought of reading
for homework is tiring.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you wouldn’t want to do your reading homework
because ________, and because _________, and because
__________.

*Reminder: This step is most effective when you can use one of the
sentence starters followed by three because-statements that reflect
why it might make sense for your child to feel, think or act this way.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: Kids (and all people for that matter) want to be
valued for who they are. When they feel they aren’t living up to
expectations, they can feel embarrassed or fear rejection. This is
why it’s crucial to keep the parent–child relationship positive with
patience and encouragement while working on homework (e.g.,
“you’ve worked through projects before and I’m sure we can do this
together”). We know this is a tall order, yet as soon as kids sense
criticism and disappointment, they are likely to shut down or want to
avoid homework even more than they already did in the first place.
The need here is also for acceptance of where the child is at rather
than pressure to be where we want him to be. The child struggling
with reading or homework also needs our confidence that he will
learn and grow, as all children do.

Practical support: In this scenario and others like it, getting

practical might involve some support in moving through the task.
There are many practical ways to support your child with homework,
one of which is to use what is referred to as a scaffolding technique
(in the same way scaffolding is used around a building under
construction). This means the parents or caregivers provide just
enough support that children can complete the task without the adult
taking over fully or doing for them what they can do for themselves.
For example, a parent may demonstrate how to solve a problem or
read a word, and then they step back to allow their child to give it a
try. Or a parent may let their child come up with the ideas for a
project but help spell the words. In some cases, reading instructions
aloud to the child, helping to organize the steps, or scribing their
answers may be necessary to support the child to complete the task.
Parents can also help by structuring homework time. For example,
you can spend some connecting time with kids after school before
homework (e.g., playing a game) and then set a timer for short
bursts of focused homework time with movement breaks in between.
“I’ll set the timer for 15 minutes and after that we’ll turn on the music
and dance for 5 minutes before getting back to work again.”
Because it is such hard work to be a parent and homework helper
at the same time, it may be more practical to work with a good tutor
or advocate for extra help at school if the resources are available.
You may even consider enlisting a teen from the neighborhood who
needs volunteer hours or grandparents, aunts and uncles. This may
be especially relevant for children with learning differences who may
require extra support to help them reach their potential.

Sample Script: “I Don’t Want to Do My Homework”

PARENT: “Time to do your math homework!”
CHILD: “Ugh, I’ll do it later.”
PARENT: “I don’t blame you for not wanting to do it. Word problems
are not easy, especially at the end of a long day.”
CHILD: “It’s stupid. I swear I’m never going to use this stuff.”
PARENT: “It is extra hard to feel motivated to do something that’s
tough and feels like a waste of time.”
CHILD: “Plus you’re always nagging me about it.”
PARENT: “Yeah, I know, it makes it worse when we get into it with
each other. On top of the work, we get into battles, which
doesn’t feel good. No wonder you don’t want to get
going.”
CHILD: “See! If I didn’t do homework, we wouldn’t fight! Problem
solved!”
PARENT: “Yeah, it would be awesome if there were never any
homework. I feel for you, kiddo. I really do. And I know
you can get this over and done with before too long. Do
you want to tackle it on your own or do you want to look at
the book with me first?”
CHILD: “I’ll just start.”
PARENT: “You got it. I’ll come check on you in a few.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “If I validate how hard math can be, won’t he avoid the
subject?” When your child struggles with a school subject, it can be
scary to put that struggle into words in case it somehow makes it
more likely that they will shy away from academics in general.
Parents usually take on the role of cheerleader (you’ve got this!) or
enforcer (you’ve got to do this!) instead. Thankfully you can breathe
easy knowing that responding in the ways we’ve suggested here will
actually decrease your child’s resistance, increase his engagement,
and therefore, his skill and confidence. It’s also important for kids to
know their own personal profile of strengths and weaknesses. One
of the ways you can support your child to develop healthy school-
based self-esteem is to help him to celebrate his gifts and feel okay
about his difficulties.

2. “What if she never succeeds in school?” Kids spend the

majority of their time in school, and so much can feel like it’s riding
on school performance: their self-esteem, peer group, acceptance to
college/university, career. It’s a lot of pressure on parents to choose
the right schools and programs and to help kids do their very best.
When a child is struggling with academics, this rubs up against one
of parenting’s basic unwritten rules: Don’t let your child do poorly in
school! Some of us blame ourselves for the problems or get really
frustrated at our kids that they aren’t trying harder or doing better.
Fundamentally, this goes back to not wanting to see them suffer and
worrying about a future which doesn’t yet exist, in which we imagine
them living below their potential. It can also feel embarrassing to see
one’s child fall short of our expectations or what we imagine society’s
expectations to be. This is one of those situations where we need to
find a way to shelve the worry or shame and remember that the
inherent nature of all children is to develop, learn, and grow. Once
we can get our own worries out of the way, it frees us up to continue
accompanying them on their path and supporting them in the best
way we can.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 6
“I Miss …”

With grief and loss, regardless of age, there really isn’t a statute of
limitations on how long you can be affected. The expectation that we
should “get over” a loss, doesn’t fit with human experience, even if
the loss we are experiencing appears trivial to others. For example,
before I owned a pet, I did not understand how absolutely
devastating this kind of loss could be (and for how long!). We may
adapt, but the loss remains a part of our lives. Grief can come in
waves and also be tied with other feelings like anger and regret. Kids
may sometimes show fewer external signs of grief or signs like
anxiety and behavioral changes that are less recognizable. They
may also be highly affected by the loss of someone they didn’t seem
particularly close to, especially if their main caregivers are grieving.

Scenario A: “I Miss Rosie!”

It’s been 1 year since the death of your family dog. She was an
important figure in your life, and the transition has been difficult for
everyone. Whenever your child is upset, she bursts into tears,
exclaiming: “I miss Rosie!”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Parents and caregivers will often respond with something like:
“Of course you do, but she’s in a better place now. Let’s focus on
that.”

“Honey, are you sure that’s what you’re upset about?”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“I’m really sorry but crying isn’t going to bring her back.”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“I miss Rosie!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

Children often come to understand death or loss differently with
every few years, as they mature. For example, a child under 7 likely
doesn’t understand the permanence of death. A 10-year-old starts to
make the connection that if any creature dies, all creatures, including
family members, will eventually die too. If a parent gets ill, is injured,
or away more often, this can also create worry and insecurity for the
child that they can’t yet understand or articulate. Children can also
have bonds with pets or family members that adults aren’t fully
aware of. For example, after a divorce, a family dog may be the one
who travels back and forth between homes with the child, becoming
the most constant companion in her life.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “The pain of the loss is still so big, I can hardly handle
it. Please help me to move through this feeling.”
Possibility B: “I’m so upset. When I used to feel bad, Rosie was
always there to pet. I know you love me, but it’s not the same.”
Possibility C: “Now that I’ve learned about death, I’m worried about
you dying. The thought of that is too much to handle.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “It is so hard to think about Rosie because there’s still so
much sadness that comes with the thoughts – like a humongous
wave inside your body.”
Option 2. “Rosie was a great friend. It’s so hard to go through stuff
like this without her.”
Option 3. “Since we lost Rosie, I wonder if you might even be
worried about losing me.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you’d feel sad about Rosie because _______, and
because _________, and because __________.

*Reminder: Although these statements are meant to calm the storm

in the brain, we don’t want to stop there. If we did, it could feel like a
bit of a cliffhanger. It’s once you’ve spoken their perspective that
your child be more open to your emotional and practical support.
 Step 3. Getting Practical
Emotional support: This comes pretty intuitively to parents – when
kids are grieving, what they need is comfort, comfort, and more
comfort. It helps to allow and even encourage the expression of
sadness, confusion and fear, if you think they are present. We can
never reassure kids fully that nothing bad will ever happen to those
they love, but we can put it in a realistic context and make sure kids
know they will never be alone. Kids may also need to know that they
are not to somehow at fault, because they may hold onto a version
of events in which they blame themselves (this happens to adults
too!). They may also need to know that it’s okay (and normal) to feel
mad when faced with loss. You can draw on your family’s own
spiritual beliefs for these discussions and share whatever comfort
they may provide. And with all of this, it may need to be done in
small doses so the child can handle it. A child may only tolerate a
few minutes of talking about a loss and then be eager to get out and
play. There is no need to expect a child to sit in feelings of grief for
longer than he can. He will come back to them over time in a way he
can manage, as long as you are open to it or initiating the
opportunities to circle back once in a while.

Practical support: First, kids generally benefit from talking about

death in a straightforward, developmentally appropriate manner.
Rituals, like celebrations of life, funerals, and marking anniversaries,
can be important to help the child feel they are not alone in their grief
and to make meaning of the loss. Children may not fully understand
what has happened, yet they are very sensitive to the grief of adults
around them, and they will likely sense that something major has
happened, whether you tell them all of the details or not. It is usually
better to have some explanation and participation in rituals than to
be alone with the mystery and fear of feeling something is wrong but
having no idea what it is.
Sample Script: “I Miss Rosie!”
CHILD: “I miss Rosie!”
PARENT: “Aw, Rosie was a really special dog.”
CHILD: (sobbing) “I want her to come hoooooome.”
PARENT: “Of course you do, honey. Rosie was like your protector.
And she was such a good friend to you. I bet that the
world just doesn’t feel quite right without her.”
CHILD: (sobbing) “She was my best friend!”
PARENT: (wrapping her up in a big hug) “And it’s really hard to
believe that you won’t be able to give her hugs anymore
or play fetch or even pick up her stinky poop.”
CHILD: “Don’t make jokes. It’s not funny.”
PARENT: “You’re right, of course it’s not funny. I’m sorry honey.
Losing a pet is one of the hardest things to go through,
even for adults. The sadness is so big. It can feel like a
big wave that knocks you over and that’s really hard.”
CHILD: (sniffling) “I’m really sad and mad and I just want her
back.”
PARENT: (squeezing a little tighter) “It is really sad and it feels really
unfair. I’ll tell you what – let’s draw a picture of Rosie to
put on the refrigerator. You know how much she loved
hanging out in the kitchen.”
CHILD: (giggling) “Yeah, she just wanted to steal our food.”
PARENT: “She sure did that little sneaky girl. Then, let’s go for a
walk down her favorite trail. I think that will help a lot.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “We’ve been through this so many times already.” When
children suffer a serious loss (of a pet or a family member), they may
ask the same or similar questions over and over again. If they are
younger, they may also get lost in their sadness. In these instances,
it is important to answer their questions as directly as possible,
validate their feelings (using because-statements), and offer comfort,
and then transition to offering practical support through your
presence and refocusing on the present moment. If the grief feels
stuck, there may be parts of the loss your child still hasn’t shared,
like the fact that he blames himself, even if this is irrational. Self-
blame in the context of loss is incredibly common – even among
adults – and so a good idea to check it out just in case.

2. “I don’t think it’s really about the dog anymore.” It is possible

that children use the loss of a pet or family member to discharge
sadness in general, especially if they worry that expressing
vulnerability might be regarded as a weakness or inappropriate. If
your spidey-senses are going off, you can also speak what you
believe to be the “unspoken”: “I wonder if Rosie is helping you to talk
about other things you’re feeling sad about – like how much you
miss Daddy tonight. It would be totally normal if you did. Just in case,
let me give you an extra squeeze and see if we can’t get him on the
phone for a few minutes before bedtime.”

3. “Won’t a new dog help him move on?” If you felt compelled to
bring a new dog into the family to ease your child’s suffering, you’re
not alone. It’s the ultimate fix. Although it can be a wonderful
experience to introduce a new pet, it can’t be at the exclusion of
addressing the pain of the loss. In fact, attending to the loss before
getting a new pet ensures that your child’s experience of grief won’t
be interrupted by the distraction and he can process his feelings fully
with your support. If there is already a new pet, it’s still not too late to
honor remaining feelings about the loss of the previous pet.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Scenario B: “I Miss Our Old Place!”

Imagine you got a great job, but it’s in a neighboring city and so you
decide to move homes to avoid a lengthy commute. Your child has to
go to a new school and say goodbye to neighborhood friends. For
the past 4 months since you moved, your child complains nonstop
about the decision. Today is an especially loud outburst of “I miss our
old place!”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Honey, we needed to move for my job, and you have a way bigger
bedroom now.”

“I know, kiddo. It’s a good thing there are a lot of new kids to play
with in this neighborhood. You’ll have even more friends now!”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“You’ll just have to get used to it! We all have to make sacrifices.”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you his version of
“I miss our old place!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

If you’re a parent of a school-age child, you know that social
relationships are incredibly important to children. Studies even show
that they are essential to a child’s well-being, including their sense of
satisfaction in life. Having to say goodbye to friends or even just
seeing them less often can have a big impact on a child’s mood.
Children usually understand all the practical reasons for a move, but
they have no control over it. Even positive changes cause stress for
most people.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I know that I’ll make new friends, but it’s just not the
same without my old ones. We grew up together and I don’t have to
worry about trying to impress them. It’s so much easier to just be
myself.”
Possibility B: “Even if I get to see my old friends at school, I still miss
going to the corner store together and playing in the tree house. We
can’t do those things at recess. Plus, I’m worried they’ll forget about
me or replace me with someone new.”
Possibility C: “I still miss my old room, and our old sofa. I’m worried
you’ll think that’s stupid or childish, so I don’t say anything about
these things.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “Moving was hard for all kinds of reasons but maybe most
of all because you don’t get to see your friends as often as you
would like. It’s a pain to get on your bike or organize a ride there and
back when before you could just run out the front door to see them.”
Option 2. “I can imagine you feel really sad about having to change
schools. I wonder if you’re feeling a little mad at us for buying a
house across town. Maybe you feel like we didn’t think about how
hard it would be for you.”
Option 3. “I bet you wish things could have just stayed the same.
After all, this wasn’t your choice and now it’s hard to fit in. I’d be
pretty mad too if I were in your shoes.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you’d feel upset about moving because
__________, and because _________, and because __________.

*Reminder: The idea here is to connect with your child’s good

intentions, vulnerable feelings, or need for connection driving his or
her current state of being, even if on the surface it doesn’t seem so.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: This scenario is also about loss, even though it
may come out as frustration or even criticism toward the parent. This
child needs acceptance that it’s okay to be angry and upset about
the move and to have the underlying pain acknowledged. There will
also be a need for comfort and connection because the ground can
feel shaky after a major life change. In fact, kids may also want you
around more after a big move. This is normal, and doesn’t mean
they are becoming overly anxious. We all need more comfort and
reassurance from our main people when things around us are
changing a lot.

Practical support: As all the changes and potential losses are

acknowledged, it becomes easier to help your child to start thinking
about all the exciting new elements of your life. A kid who is
screaming “We never should have moved anyway!” isn’t ready or
able to hear about the bigger newer park or the higher quality school.
That said, once she’s feeling understood, she will likely want help to
reorient her thinking toward the positives and the ways she can
adapt to her new environment. The child may also need practical
support to maintain connections with old friends. For example, as
savvy as kids are online, they may need advice and some
encouragement to reach out to old friends or transportation for play
dates. Kids who are shyer may also need some support from parents
to invite new kids to the house. All it takes is one friend with whom
they feel comfortable to make life at school manageable, but
sometimes making that first friend can take a lot of effort.

Sample Script: “I Miss Our Old Place!”

CHILD: “I can’t hang out with my friends. I hate that we moved.
Why did you and Dad have to be so selfish? I hate this
house and this neighborhood, and there’s nothing to do.”
PARENT: “I can understand why you’d feel that way. Your friends
were your world and we turned that upside down, didn’t
we?”
CHILD: “I hate it here.”
PARENT: “I bet. Life was a lot easier back at the old house. You
could just run outside and at any given time and one of
your buddies would be ready to play.”
CHILD: “Or just hang out. I’m not a little kid anymore.”
PARENT: “Right. Or just hang out. And now it’s different and the
kids are different – they’ve got their own thing going on. If
I were you, I might even feel a little awkward trying to find
my way in the neighborhood.”
CHILD: “It is awkward.”
PARENT: “I’m sorry, bud. I don’t blame you for being mad at us. You
miss your old pack. Even though they are a drive away,
it’s just not the same, and chances are it never will be.”
CHILD: “Whoa. It’s not that bad.”
PARENT: “Right – I overdid it there.”
CHILD: “It just sucks.”
PARENT: “Of course. And in the meantime, let me know if you want
to organize an afternoon back at the old place.”
CHILD: “Sure. You can leave now.”
PARENT: “Roger that. You’ve had enough. Okay – just know that
dinner is in 15.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “Maybe I shouldn’t have accepted the new job.” You may be
feeling really badly about the impact the move had on your child,
especially if it was long distance. If you’re suffering with guilt or
regret, it may make it hard to take the complaint from your child
because it just makes you feel worse. It may help to remember that
your child’s distress is temporary and colored by the lens of not
being able to see the “bigger picture.” Life can be hard, and luckily,
when it comes to emotional adaptation, it’s not what happens, it’s
how it’s handled. Focus on kindness to yourself and maybe grieving
what you’ve left behind as well. It will get easier to venture into your
child’s own sadness and sense of loss.

2. “I don’t get it. Up until today, she seemed totally fine.”

Perhaps your child acts cool as a cucumber, and it’s a total surprise
that she’s upset all of a sudden. For example, your child might avoid
talking about her friends or even insist that she is just fine. In this
case, it’s harder to build the bridge, and you’ll need to make an
educated guess that she isn’t necessarily fine but may be putting on
a brave face. You can still put into words her perspective, which in
this case is that you can understand why she would want to distance
herself from the pain or pretend the old friends never existed
“because … because … because …” (e.g., because moving away
from friends can really hurt!). Validating your child’s resistance to talk
about her painful feelings can help to open the door for her to talk
about the more vulnerable feelings she has inside. More on this topic
in Chapter 10 (“I’m Not Talking to You …”).

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
Figure 6.1 The knee-jerk response

Figure 6 2 Validation and support

Figure 6.2 Validation and support
 7
“You Love My Sister More …”

Moving on to a doozy for parents of more than one kid or who are
part of a blended family. If that’s you, chances are you’ve heard
some version of “You love ______ more.”
A similar version is “How come ____ gets to do _____ when I
don’t?” We often think of sibling rivalry as an issue between siblings,
but it’s also an issue between parent and child. This isn’t just
because the conflict affects parents; the rivalry is usually over some
aspect of the parents’ love, attention, or resources. This example is a
classic scenario in which engaging the emotion translator is just as
important as putting your child’s experience into words and offering
support.

Scenario: “You Love My Sister More …”

Imagine that your daughter has had a rough semester, and so you
set aside some special time together, including a shopping trip one
evening. You’ve had a great time together, and you’re both in a good
mood. When you walk in the door, your son sees you together, then
makes a comment about the time you’ve spent with his sister lately
and how she can stay out longer. He then asks, “Do you love Sam
more?”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Of course not, sweetie. I love you both the same. You’ll see when
you become a parent.”

“We do so much together; I’m not sure how you can ask that.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Well, she doesn’t give me a hard time as often as you do.”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“You love my sister more …”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

When we build a bridge to Child Island, we may find that our child
is picking up on subtle (or not so subtle) differences in the ways we
interact with other members of the family, regardless of whether this
is justified – say in the case of a sibling with special needs. And if
one of your daughters is more “like” you, no doubt you will “get her”
more easily. You will be better able to guess what she is thinking and
how she is feeling in a variety of situations. The same won’t
necessarily be true for this child who may resemble your co-parent
or who walks to the beat of his own drum. As a result, you will
sometimes struggle to understand why he reacts in the ways he
sometimes does. When it comes to quality time together, if you and
your daughter both enjoy shopping, relating to one another can be
effortless. On the other hand, if your son is into video games and
that is just not your cup of tea, you may struggle to connect in a way
that is meaningful for him. In other words, our children are on to
something! But their lack of sophistication to understand the bigger
picture makes it so they use very rudimentary means to
communicate that they are picking up on something that leaves them
feeling bad.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A. “I feel sad when I see how easily you get along with my
sister. It hurts me that we can’t get on as effortlessly.”
Possibility B. “I feel left out when you spend time with my sister. It’s
hard for me to admit that because I know she needs you too.”
Possibility C: “I’m hurt that you don’t seem to have as much fun
playing my games. I also can’t understand why she’s allowed to do a
lot more than I can.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “I can see how you might feel that way because your sister
and I have a lot in common: shopping, makeup, getting our hair
done. And you and I are really different, so it can feel like we are less
connected at times.”
Option 2. “I can imagine that when you see how much time I give to
your sister it tells you that she’s more important. It doesn’t matter
what the reasons are – it still hurts.“
Option 3. “Your perspective makes sense to me. You see her getting
to stay out later and you aren’t allowed yet. No wonder you feel like I
love her more. Like if I loved you as much, then I’d let you stay out
later too“.

In your own words:

I can imagine why you would feel like I love your sister more
because __________, and because _________, and because
__________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: No matter how your child communicates his
fear that you don’t love him as much as another child (or even your
partner), the emotional is need is always a vulnerable one. Now that
you’ve spoken his perspective and he can actually hear your
supportive words, it’s time to put his experience in context and
address any misperceptions. Something like this can go a long way:
“You need to know that I love you with every ounce of my being,”
topped off with the identification of something unique and special
about that child, like this: “I especially love how bold you are, and I
admire your outgoing personality. You really remind me how
important it is to get out there and have fun.”

Practical support: The practical need in this scenario is to make a

concerted effort to increase 1:1 connection time, even if for brief
moments, although a special date night can go a long way to
transform the hurt. It can also be cool for kids to have you join them
in the activities they really like, especially when they know you don’t:

I am going to make an effort for us to spend more quality

time together. And we’ll do some of the things you like to do
– even play video games together – so that I can get to know
you and your interests better.
 I worked with a set of parents who often made negative comments
about their son’s video-game playing – they really wanted him to
know the downsides of his new hobby – but it created disconnect
between them. And so you can imagine his surprise when they
asked to play with him! He had such a riot teaching them game play
strategies, and they were careful to focus on the positive aspects of
the experience. Simple but powerful.

Sample Script: “You Love My Sister More …”

CHILD: “Mom, do you love Ellie more than me?”
PARENT: “Hmm, that’s a big question, sweetie. I wonder if you’re
asking because I’ve been spending more time with her
lately?”
CHILD: “Well, do you?”
PARENT: “Honey, I can understand why you might feel like I love
Ellie more because I’ve been helping her with her
homework almost every night, and you and I haven’t had
the same amount of cuddle time we usually do.”
CHILD: “Well, yeah …”
PARENT: “And I bet that feels pretty yucky, because our cuddle time
is some of the only ‘me-and-you’ time we get in a day. You
might be thinking to yourself that maybe I’ve forgotten
about you or that I don’t care as much about our special
time together.”
CHILD: “Yeah.”
PARENT: “Aw, that’s a terrible feeling, to feel like your mom is too
busy or doesn’t care. I’m so glad you told me.”
CHILD: “You are?”
PARENT: “Yes, for sure. When I put myself in your shoes, your
feelings make a lot of sense, and so I really get to see
what needs to be done.”
CHILD: “What’s that?”
PARENT: “Well first of all, I have to remind you of how much I love
 you. Like to the moon and back and back again and back
again a hundred more times.”
CHILD: (giggles)
PARENT: Also, I have to make more of an effort to make sure our
special time happens. And if for whatever reason we have
to miss a night or cut it short, I’m going to check in with
you to see if you need another reminder or just a big ol’
squeeze. Like this! (gives her a bear hug)
CHILD: (giggles again) “Okay!”

Common Pitfalls
1. “She’s just saying that to get what she wants.” It’s true that
kids may want something and say things more dramatically to get it,
but a kid who says “You love my sister more!” is usually asking for
more connection with the parent, not attention in a random way. In
fact, we urge parents to consider revising the statement: “attention-
seeking” to “connection-seeking” – it’s far more accurate and will
help you to lead with compassion instead of annoyance. Sure, kids
can go about expressing their need in clunky or off-putting ways, but
it’s important to validate what’s there so that you can uncover the
deeper feelings under this more surface level complaint. If it’s still
hard to speak her perspective (remember, her brain is still immature,
and so her interpretations will be too), go back to building a bridge. It
may also be that something in her comment is upsetting you, and it’s
getting in the way of your ability to see the situation from where she
sits. Check in with yourself and take those few breaths to see if that
helps.

2. “I always seem to get it wrong!” Maybe your child shuts you

down or communicates some other protest when you try to put into
words their perspective. We have to remember that while we’re
making educated guesses, we can’t read our child’s mind. So we
can validate this too: “It sounds like I was way off base. And I bet
that makes it feel even worse. It’s really important for you that I get
you and it hurts when I don’t” (more on that topic in Chapter 12: “You
Just Don’t Get It!”). It may also be that your child responds this way
because what you said is bang on. And by touching into the pain, it
gives your child a bit of a shock that makes it so that they reflexively
“blast” you. That’s actually a good sign as it signals a release, and so
a good idea is to remain calm and connected until the wave passes.

3. “What if I have to deal with both of them at the same time?” In

families with more than one child, other kids may be around while
you’re having these conversations. As soon as you direct your
attention to one child and put into words his experience, the other
may react and pipe up to say something like “It’s not my fault my
homework takes so long!” That sibling may feel guilty for taking the
parents’ time or resentful because they don’t feel like they are getting
enough quality time either. In this kind of situation, you may need to
validate one child’s experience and then turn and do the same for
the other child(ren), cycling back and forth a few times. We refer to
this as “validation whack-a-mole.” It may even work well to have a
full family discussion where you can talk openly about everyone’s
feelings so they don’t carry around guilt or resentment under the
radar. This is especially important if one or more child has an illness
or disability that requires a lot of the family’s resources in an ongoing
way.

*Reminder: The proposed framework is not a magic formula. It can

also feel really awkward since it goes against so much of what we
were taught about how to respond to children’s thoughts and
feelings. We do urge you to try it out a few times following the steps
as closely as possible as practice really does make a difference over
time.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 8
“This Is the BEST!”

This chapter is a little different from the others because the child isn’t
upset – instead she may be happy, excited, or overjoyed. We
wouldn’t typically think of this as a difficult moment, yet for many of
us, responding to joy doesn’t come naturally. We may have been
conditioned to downplay our child’s excitement (e.g., don’t be
braggy!) or we see the potential downsides of its expression (e.g.,
leading to jealousy in a sibling or a “too big” expression in public) or
we may not understand nor approve of the reason for it (e.g., I just
leveled up in my game!). Who knew joy could be so complicated?
Enjoying and celebrating joy with others is one of the most
connecting experiences people can have, and yet it can be an
incredibly difficult emotion to sustain. This is especially true as we
get older and are influenced by external messaging about outward
expressions of joy and happiness. Have you ever witnessed
something really cool and looked right around to see with whom you
could relate? Joy becomes buoyant when it is shared; when there’s
no one, it can feel like the bubble deflates, even bursts. When the
people we care about ignore our joy, invalidate it or don’t share in it,
it can even lead to a sudden shift in our experience from joy to
sadness, anger, even shame. We can then end up focusing on these
negative states. The number one reason to get “good” at joy? It has
the capacity to spread far and wide, bringing more joy into our
family’s life too.
Scenario A: “This Is the BEST!”
Imagine your 11-year-old daughter comes running to you holding her
tablet and says: “This is the BEST! My favorite YouTuber just posted
three new crafting videos!!! Eeeeeeeeee!”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

(Flatly) “That’s great honey.”

“Okay, just remember you only have 10 minutes left of screen time.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Too loud! If you like these videos so much why don’t you just craft
yourself!”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“This Is the BEST!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

Think about how excited your child got about balloons or ice cream
or toy trucks when he was really little. Wasn’t it adorable? As
children get older, they convey their excitement by jumping up and
down or telling you a million details about something. The problem is
that we all have different interests and things that we’re passionate
about. What they find exciting may be neutral, boring, or even
irritating to us. They may also be taking up a lot of space in their
expression – something our culture has taught us is a no-no. The joy
for them is untainted by adult awareness of the supposed
downsides. To reconnect with our primary instincts around joy, it
helps to harness the youthful excitement and wonder you felt about
something as a child. We often get trained out of unrestrained joy as
adults, so remembering childlike joy can be really helpful.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m so excited to learn from these videos. It makes me
feel so proud to create new worlds.”
Possibility B: “I’m so happy to finally get more of my favorite thing
and I want to share my joy with you.”
Possibility C: “It feels so good to be happy and when you’re happy
for me too – it’s even better.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “Three new videos! You’ve been waiting for these for a
long time, and you love crafting so much; no wonder you’re over the
moon!”
Option 2. “Yippee!!!! I see why you’re so happy, because she is your
absolute favorite in the world and now you get to watch even more of
her awesome tips!”
Option 3. “This IS the BEST! High-five girl! So happy for you!”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you would be so excited because __________,

and because _________, and because __________.

*A note for joy: This step is most effective when you can embody
your child’s joy – in other words – when your words and your body
convey understanding of their experience. It doesn’t mean you need
to jump up on the couch to show you get it, but a little extra energy
and animation can go a long way.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: Simply put – joy wants to be joined! A happy
kid wants to connect with you and share the joy. Your connection
sustains the experience, even heightens it, and we could all use a
little more joy as armor against the challenges of life. The added
bonus – smiles are contagious; let yourself catch them! This creates
a real sense of togetherness and mutual enjoyment. Studies show
that sharing positive experiences leads to more happiness and
satisfaction with life overall – even more energy (although we may
not really want our kids to have more energy some days ☺). When
in addition to sharing the experience, we also receive encouraging,
enthusiastic, and positive messages, we are more likely to
experience even more happiness, love, and gratitude.

Practical support: Enjoying your child’s joy and making space for
her to experience it is plenty! If you have the energy to take it to the
next level, showing interest in your child’s passion (“Let me see!” or
“Oh cool – how does she do that!”) conveys your support for her
pursuing what she loves. It can be really cool if you then ask your
child to teach you something from this arena. If it’s something you
don’t enjoy, then no need to pretend, just focus on positive curiosity
(“I wonder what she’ll have up her sleeve next?”).

Sample Script: “This Is the BEST!”

CHILD: (excitedly) “Dad, I have the BEST news: Jake and I are
going to start a podcast!”
PARENT: (with enthusiasm) “No way! That’s really cool.”
CHILD: “Seriously! We’re going to interview other kids from school
about stuff and post it.”
PARENT: “That must be so exciting for you guys. You’ve always
loved talking to people and you’ve wanted to be on radio
or TV since you were little!”
CHILD: “Yep. This is the first step, Dad. And Jake’s really funny.
We already have three friends who said yes to being
interviewed.”
PARENT: “Nice. Good for you guys! Already three people! So cool
that kids will have content made by kids. You’re really
working on this! I bet that feels really exciting.”
CHILD: “We are, Dad!!”
PARENT: “Are you going to start with a certain topic or just see how
the interview goes?”
CHILD: “We don’t know yet. We’re going to ask around to see
what people want to hear about. I have a couple of ideas
already though.”
PARENT: “Oh – I can’t wait to hear them! The only thing we do need
to talk about is privacy stuff and how to get proper
permission to post about other people, especially since
they’re kids. I can help with that part.”
CHILD: “Okay. I guess that’s fine. You can be our ‘assistant’.”
PARENT: “Ha. Fair enough. You guys are the directors and I’ll get
your coffee.”
CHILD: (smiling) “That’s right!”
Common Pitfalls
1. “What if I don’t agree with the thing he’s happy about?” No
parent can or should fake happiness. Just like with all the other
emotions, understanding, accepting, and reflecting the feelings
doesn’t mean agreeing with the behaviors. Let’s take a more
extreme example: Let’s say your daughter was to come home
excited about her desire to get a piercing. We would never say you
have to agree to it because it makes her happy, nor do you need to
pretend you’re happy about her desire to get a piercing. What we’re
proposing is that you can acknowledge her happiness with
something like: “I can imagine why you’d be so happy about it,
because it would be something that’s yours and because it will make
you feel good every time you look at it.” You can still limit or say “no”
to what your child enjoys, and if you do, the validation you’ve offered
on the front end will soften the blow. The truth is, we can’t change
what other people feel happy about nor can we change our own
feelings, but we can see the positive intentions behind our child’s
motivations and communicate this to them so that they feel
respected and understood.

2. “I don’t want him to be disappointed.” As adults, many of us

have lost some of our idealism. We want to protect our kids from
pain and disappointment. We may believe that it’s better to dampen
their enthusiasm proactively rather than see them hurt later. That’s
why parents often express caution in the face of joy (“don’t get your
hopes up”) or jump to getting practical (“but realistically, how are you
ever going to that?”). The downside is that cautioning usually makes
the child feel less creative and adventurous. Children want their
parents to believe in them. It is through this belief that they develop
more belief in themselves. When you can join in their joy, children
are more likely to feel confident. They are also likely to be more
receptive to your emotional and practical support, including the good
advice you have to offer.
3. “I was always taught humility. I don’t want her joy to be
hurtful or off-putting to others!” This is a really good point. We
agree that humility is a crucial value. Some parents have also shared
that they feel anxious when one of their kids expresses “big” joy in
case it triggers bad feelings in another. For example, a child might be
super excited about an invitation to a party in front of a sibling who
hasn’t yet found her tribe. It’s really difficult to simultaneously join in
your child’s joy and be sensitive to your other child’s pain, and often,
joy gets the cut. In this scenario, you might choose to celebrate first
with your joyful child and then connect one-to-one with the other later
so that both their needs can be met.

A final note on joy: Do you ever feel like too much joy is frivolous,
unproductive, or self-indulgent? If so – join the club. There are deep
historical roots to the suppression of joy. Some scholars believe that
joy blocks date back to ancient times when royals would forbid
commoners to be festive in case their celebrations lead to uprisings.
Others believe the Industrial Revolution cultivated a belief that work
and productivity held more importance than frivolity (to keep us on
track!). However, like with other emotions, if children are taught to
suppress joy, they are at risk of developing problematic patterns of
relating to others and the world. In other words, we need to strive for
a “happy” medium where joy is cultivated to create resilience, just
like other emotions.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 9
“My Tummy Hurts …”

We’ve started this chapter with a physical complaint because it’s

really common for children (and all people, in fact) to feel their
feelings in their body. Sometimes a spade is just a spade and it’s
purely physical, and so you don’t want to start by assuming all pain
or bodily symptoms are caused by emotions. Young kids often get
stomachaches with viruses, for example. However, if your child
repeatedly complains of physical symptoms, especially right before
school, bedtime, or high stress events, you may consider that some
anxiety or other strong emotion may be contributing to the
symptoms. The mind and body are intricately connected so that
feeling unwell physically can cause emotional stress and emotional
stress can cause physical symptoms. It’s not an either–or situation
but a “both–and.” Just think of how you get “butterflies in your
stomach” before public speaking or your cheeks flush red when
angry or embarrassed. For the purpose of this chapter, let’s assume
your health care provider has confirmed there is no purely physical
cause to explain the degree of your child’s symptoms, and there is at
least some part better explained by the expression of emotion
through physical feelings and complaints.

Scenario: “My Tummy Hurts …”

In this scenario, it’s a Monday morning before school and your child
says, for the fourth time this month: “My tummy really hurts.”
The Knee-Jerk Response
Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“You probably just have to go to the bathroom.”

“Where does it hurt? Do you need a tummy massage”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Right. Just like last night when it was time to clean up, you suddenly
have a tummy ache.”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you his version of
“My tummy hurts …”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

Kids who complain of pain most often do feel pain, whether or not it’s
triggered or increased by anxiety. Pain is complex, and even the
discomfort associated with well-known medical illnesses is often
worsened by stress for example. It’s really not “all in their head”; the
pain kids feel with stress can be just as real as the pain of a skinned
knee. Children who feel tense in the morning before school are likely
anticipating being uncomfortable. It may only be their body reacting,
or there may be thoughts about the anticipated stress. Kids of all
ages, from toddler to young adult, can have physical symptoms of
anxiety that affect their seeming willingness to go to school. Kids
may fear having to do something they struggle with in class, having
to interact with adults they don’t know well, peer rejection and
embarrassment, or just being away from home. They may be highly
motivated to get to school or their activity, but the anxiety and related
physical symptoms are so strong that they make it look like the child
is unwilling, stubborn, or not motivated.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m worried I’ll feel overwhelmed with missing you!”
Possibility B: “I’m scared Mrs. Ambrose will be upset with me.”
Possibility C: “My best friend was away all last week and I’m
stressed that I’ll have no one to play with at recess again. It’s so
uncomfortable when that happens!”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “Oh, dear. It’s that tummy again. It’s really bugging you. I
wonder if it’s a ‘missing-hurt.’ It seems to hurt when you’re worried
you’ll miss Mommy. It would make sense if it did.”
Option 2. “That pain is telling us something really important. I wonder
if it’s telling us that you’re worried about Mrs. Ambrose or about what
could happen at recess if Paige is away from school again today.”
Option 3. “I can see from your face that it really hurts. And maybe
you worry that when you get to school it will get even worse and you
won’t be able to manage.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you would have a sore tummy because
__________, and because _________, and because __________.

*Reminder: This is another scenario where we don’t stop here. While

acknowledging the child’s feelings and experience may help her feel
to better, she is likely to need our emotional and practical support to
move forward.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: Kids who frequently complain of physical
symptoms often have a harder time noticing, recognizing and talking
about their feelings. They may also hesitate to ask directly for
emotional comfort. Parents can help by offering a hug, a cuddle, or
soothing and reassuring words. For example, “Sounds like you need
a big hug from Mommy. I am never far away, and I believe in you so
much.” Parents can also show kids through their words and their
presence that it’s ok to show “negative” emotions (“I might even feel
like crying if that happened to me. It would be totally normal to feel
sad”). When you target the emotions, because they naturally rise
and pass, your child is more likely to feel better faster, even if
butterflies remain.

Practical support: Assuming the child is anxious because of a

situation like those above, it’s important to support her in facing her
fear. Protecting her from a situation is helpful for a real danger, but
not as a response to anxiety or physical discomfort. The more
children avoid something, the more anxious and avoidant they
become. When children get anxious or feel unwell, they almost
always need their caregivers to use kind firmness to help them get
through it. Parents can show confidence in the child and
determination about getting the child where they need to be. The key
here is for parents to take the lead in moving forward, rather than
waiting for the child to be “ready.” Anxiety and physical discomfort
can be very persuasive, but they shouldn’t take over the family. Here
are some examples of ways to communicate this:

Lots of kids miss their mommies at preschool. Let’s pack a

stuffy with you today and I’ll give the stuffy a big hug. If you
miss me, you can hug the stuffy, and I will see you right after
dress-up time.

As much as your tummy hurts right now, I know that it usually

gets better once you’re outside and on the walk to school.
We can figure out a way for you to deal with Mrs. Ambrose
while we walk, and if you need me to help to speak with her, I
will.

Although a list of behavioral strategies for anxiety is beyond the

scope of this book, here are a few basic ideas:

During the episode:

1. Help the child focus on something they like that will come during
or after the activity (e.g. “don’t forget you get to see Marnie after
school today”).
2. Change scenery (e.g. “let’s go outside and check out the pond”).
3. Mentally break the task into smaller, more manageable steps,
and start with the first step. (e.g. “let’s focus on getting dressed
for right now and then we’ll see how you’re doing”).
4. Offer two choices for how to proceed (e.g. “you can get your
backpack or water bottle and I’ll get the other”).
5. Set clear expectations and time limits (e.g. “Time to get dressed.
I’ll set the timer for 5 minutes”).

Before next time:

1. Practice mindfulness and relaxation strategies like noticing body

sensations and belly breathing (it really does work!).
 2. Have a good routine in place and ensure you have enough time
around the tough spot.
3. Sit down with your child and list the parts of the task, easiest to
hardest. This is often done by drawing a “challenge ladder” or
thermometer. When everyone is calm, practice the easier parts
before moving one by one to the more challenging ones. This is
called “gradual exposure.”

You can check out Chapter 24: Recommended Readings for

resources to help kids with anxiety, avoidance and stress-sensitive
physical symptoms.

Sample Script: “My Tummy Hurts …”

CHILD: “My tummy hurts.”
PARENT: “Oh, dear. It’s that tummy again. It’s really bugging you.”
CHILD: “It just really hurts, Mommy. I can’t go to school today.”
PARENT: “I wonder if it’s a ‘missing-hurt’ or a ‘worried-about-what-
might-happen-today-hurt’.”
CHILD: “I just don’t want to go.”
PARENT: “I can see from your face that it’s really painful. And
maybe you’re worried that when you get to school, it will
get even worse. Or maybe that you won’t be able to
manage.”
CHILD: “Yeah, Mr. Jones won’t listen if I tell him it hurts.”
PARENT: “I wonder if there’s a way you can feel a little better about
telling Mr. Jones if you need to. Do you have any ideas?”
CHILD: “Can you write him an email?”
PARENT: “I can do that. And I’ll tell him that usually when your
tummy hurts, a little walk and some water can help a lot.
Does that sound good?”
CHILD: “Okay, but when are you going to be home from work?”
PARENT: “I’ll be there to pick you up from after-school care. I
wonder if you’re a little worried about missing me.”
CHILD: (tears up a bit) “Can we play a game after school?”
PARENT: “Absolutely, sweetheart. It’s a long day, and I’ll be thinking
about you too, and we’ll be sure to snuggle and play after
school.”
CHILD: (starting to get out from under covers) “Okay. I’m going to
put on my blue shirt today.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “What’s the big deal if she takes a ‘mental health day’”? The
occasional day off for a child isn’t the end of the world, BUT once
children figure out that it’s possible or acceptable to stay home from
school, it becomes much more likely they will expect to again in the
future. It is worth the effort to get young kids to school when they’re
anxious or a little unwell because it teaches the child and family how
to cope with the child’s distress. This is a tough issue, and it may
require the support of a mental health or other health professional,
but it’s worth getting to the bottom of school resistance when kids
are young to get the tools they need. It is not a pattern that kids
easily grow out of without support.

2. “He’s just faking it!” The line between “faking” and stress-
sensitive pain is a hard one to figure out. Actual “faking” means
purposely deceiving an adult to get something you want (or avoid
something you don’t want). Kids absolutely do “fake” illness and
injury to get out of chores, school, and other stuff they don’t want to
do, but you need to ask yourself why they are doing it. Based on one
of our guiding principles that “kids will be good if they can be,” we
can assume that a kid who is “faking” is still communicating a
problem. It is still likely to be stress about something they want to
avoid. It may be anger at you or someone else or just not enough 1:1
time. Either way, you won’t lose anything by validating their behavior.
If you call the child’s bluff directly and he snaps into action, then
great. That may work well when the child doesn’t want to do
something (e.g., clean his room) but when the avoidance is based on
anxiety (e.g., fear of public speaking at school), insinuating the child
is “faking” or saying it’s “all in his head” will usually only lead them to
dig in further and become even more avoidant or defiant.

3. “She’ll be fine. She needs to just suck it up.” Many parents will
tell us that their own parents would have never stood for this kind of
thing and just sent them to school no matter what. There are benefits
to a harder line, and it can be effective for some kids. However, there
are kids for whom the “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” approach
doesn’t work as well. These are usually kids who are “super-feelers,”
in that they experience emotions in a bigger way – their own and
those of others, and/or who have more significant anxiety, mental or
physical health issues, or who have already been in a pattern of
avoiding school for a while. In these instances, emotional support is
key. There may also be a danger (physical or emotional) that your
child is avoiding. If the child’s stress or anxiety is related to
mistreatment or bullying, getting practical is essential. No amount of
comfort, reassurance, or encouragement will be enough to help a
child feel comfortable going to school when he is faced with bullies
or mistreatment by an adult. The first steps may include talking to
your child about his experience and encouraging him to stay nearby
other helpful students and adults. The action plan may also need to
include speaking to the teacher or principal to escalate the attention
to the problem. With peer conflict, it’s fine to teach kids how to be
more assertive; for true bullying (a persistent pattern of unwelcome
or aggressive behavior that involves an imbalance of power or the
intention to harm or humiliate someone), adults do need to become
involved. We’ve included additional resources at the end of the book
for this situation should it be the case for your child.

What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s

experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
What might make it hard for me to get practical in this situation?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with this situation more confidently in the

future is?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
Figure 9.1 The knee-jerk response
Figure 9.2 Validation and support
 10
“I’m Not Talking to You …”

Some of you may be reading this book and feeling like this approach
won’t work because “my child just won’t talk to me about certain
things.” How can you connect emotionally with a child who isn’t even
giving you fodder to translate? Thankfully, we can use the same
framework with silence and we’ve found it to be more likely to open
up those lines of communication than using more forceful language
such as “That’s not nice – I’m talking to you,” or, on the other end of
the spectrum, – leaving the ball entirely in their court, since it may
take forever for them to volley back.

Scenario: “I’m Not Talking to You …”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Honey, don’t be rude. I asked you a question.”

“How I can help you if you won’t even tell me what’s wrong?”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t try!”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“I’m not talking to you …”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

When a child is silent or refuses to engage, the disconnection can be
painful for all involved, especially if you interpret their behavior as
disrespectful or rejecting. The first thing to remember is that children
have much less verbal capacity than adults. Even ones who make
really cute and precocious comments don’t necessarily understand
all our words. Some school-age kids (and some adults!) still find
talking about feelings really hard. Play is the easiest and most
natural language for kids. Drawing and other art forms may come
next. So when a child says he doesn’t want to talk to you, he may
simply be saying, “Talking about ___(specified topic)___ is too hard
for me right now.” If this is the case for your child, you may find
playing with them, drawing together or even writing to each other
much more successful. It’s amazing that children will inevitably “bring
up the topic” that needs to be discussed in drawing or play if given
enough time in your presence to do so (usually 20 minutes is
enough).
If, on the other hand, you have a child who normally talks, and this
is a clear signal that something’s up, read on. Although your child
may come across as “wanting space,” be assured that there are
strong (and often vulnerable) underlying emotions that need
attention. Often, a child is angry with the parent but worried that the
expression of anger will lead to trouble. On the other hand, some
children resist revealing what’s going on for them if they worry about
their parent’s capacity to handle what they have to share. They don’t
want to overwhelm or hurt their parent. They also don’t want to be
met with attempts to correct their experience or solve the problem.
You know your child best, so it will be important for you to connect
with that wisdom to sort out which of the scenarios is most likely at
play.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m really mad at you, and the only way I can show you
just how upset I am is to shut you out.”
Possibility B: “I want to talk to you, but I’m scared you’ll be upset with
me or you’ll tell me to change the way I’m feeling or push me to find
a solution.”
Possibility C: “I’m overwhelmed and wish I could make this problem
disappear. When you talk to me about it, it brings it to the surface
and I get even more overwhelmed.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to me. Sometimes
I rush to fix or try to convince you to feel a different way. It might feel
like there’s no point.”
Option 2. “I can see you need some space. That makes sense
because what I did really upset you. You didn’t think how I handled it
was fair.”
Option 3. “I know that sometimes when we talk about things it can
feel even worse. I can imagine that not talking about it gives you a
break from the feelings.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you’d not want to talk to me because

__________, and because _________, and because __________.

*Reminder: First, try to guess the context: Did something just happen
recently? Does your child have a pattern of getting upset in similar
situations? They key is to ask yourself: What is the most vulnerable
explanation for my child’s silence?

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: If children don’t want to talk because they feel
hurt, sad, or anxious, then saying they don’t want to talk is more
often a way to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable.
Overwhelmed children also need your calm presence, but with less
pressure to resolve anything quickly or verbalize emotions. They
need things to go slowly and to face problems in small bits at a time.
That may mean that sitting with you quietly fidgeting or playing with
something is all they can tolerate at first.
If you suspect the silence reflects feelings of anger, the emotional
need for this one is a little counterintuitive. On the one hand, the
angry child is clearly saying “I need space”; on the other hand, no
child ever really wants to be left totally alone. If she’s mad at you,
then being left alone for a bit makes sense so she can cool down,
while knowing you are around and will return in a specified amount
of time to keep working through the disconnection. It can also be
important to consider that the distance each kid needs may be
different. For some, distance means in the same room but without a
ton of talking or connection. For others, staying just outside the door
of the bedroom or bathroom or even all the way across the room is
as close as they can tolerate in the short term.
 If it makes sense to do so, you may even consider offering an
apology to let your child know you’re invested in his feelings and you
recognize that whatever pattern you were in together didn’t unfold as
you would have wanted. Apologies can be incredibly powerful, so
long as they come from a place of calm, compassion, and
confidence – in other words, you’re neither self-flagellating (“It’s all
my fault; I keep messing up”) nor “wordsmithing” to get out of
actually taking a share of the responsibility (“I’m sorry you feel that
way”). An effective apology communicates remorse and
responsibility (“I’m sorry my actions hurt you”) and leaves out
explanations, justifications or blame.

Practical support: My wise coworker said that if she ever wrote a

book on parenting, it would be called Mothers Not Allowed;
Daughters Always Welcome. She was referring to the fact that even
if her daughter shut her out and didn’t talk about things, as a mother,
she would always be open to when her daughter wanted to talk. She
recognized that it’s not meant to be an equal relationship and that
when children are hurt and try to push parents away, they still need
to know we can’t ever fully be pushed away. At the same time, to
allow us to be close, kids need a way to assert their boundaries. It’s
almost impossible to teach this while the child is angry, shutdown, or
refusing to talk, so once things are calm again, you can figure out a
way to let your child know that he’s allowed to have some space and
that you aren’t too fragile to be told what’s bothering him, even if it’s
about you. It has to be genuine, of course, because despite what you
say, if you react strongly to whatever she tells you, she is likely to
clam up again. If your child has been withdrawn, shutdown, or
refusing to talk to you for weeks or months, then it may take a third-
party or professional to help open the lines of communication. If
that’s the case, don’t despair, we help parents and kids reconnect all
the time, and it can be fairly straightforward.

Sample Script: “I’m Not Talking to You …”

PARENT: “Hey, hon. How was your visit with Mom?”
CHILD: (clearly fighting back emotion) “Fine.”
PARENT: “What’s up? What happened?”
CHILD: “Nothing. And I don’t want to talk about it.”
PARENT: “I see. Well if something happened, I can’t help you
unless you tell me.”
CHILD: “It’s fine, Dad.”
PARENT: “Ah, I think I know what’s going on. When I put myself in
your position, I wouldn’t want to tell me either. For many
reasons.”
CHILD: (silence)
PARENT: “Well for starters you’re a kid who appreciates privacy,
and I know that talking about your feelings is not your
favorite thing to do.”
CHILD: (silence)
PARENT: “And we’ve been butting heads a lot lately, so you might
expect more of that. Like I might lecture you or tell you not
to feel the way you do.”
CHILD: (silence)
PARENT: “And if something happened with Mom or you two got in a
fight, I imagine you would be hesitant to tell me in case I
got mad at her too. As much as you might want to vent,
you probably don’t want me to jump on the bandwagon –
especially since you know that she and I sometimes don’t
get along so well.”
CHILD: (nodding)
PARENT: “Before we got divorced, I was a lot better at listening to
your feelings and helping you to see her side too. As
much as you didn’t like it that I sometimes ‘defended’ her,
I bet that it felt better than when I just join you in your
frustration.”
CHILD: “Or that you’ll send her another one of your emails and
then make it awkward for me next week! I love Mom –
even when I’m mad at her – and I need that to be okay!
 And if it is okay – then I can tell you when she does
something to make me feel sad or mad without worrying
what you’ll think of her or what you’ll do to try to fix it. I just
want it to be normal.”
PARENT: “Of course you do, my love. And no wonder you didn’t
want to talk to me about whatever happened. It makes
total sense to me.”
CHILD: (silence)
PARENT: “And the truth is, even though your Mom and I are in a
rough patch – we’re going to figure this out in a good way,
and I am going to do my part to remember what I need to
do – support you and think the best of mom. Okay – let’s
try this again … What happened this weekend, sweetie?”
CHILD: “Fine – I’ll tell you, but please don’t make it a thing!”
PARENT: “I’ll tell you what – as long as your safety isn’t at risk – I
promise not to make it a thing.”
CHILD: “Dad. My safety is not at risk. Geez!”
PARENT: “Okay then – we’ve got a deal!”

Common Pitfalls
1. “But what if she’s hiding something terrible?” When your child
refuses to speak to you it can be really unnerving – even scary –
especially if your imagination leads you to believe that something
really bad happened. This can lead one to respond with a high
degree of stress: “You have to tell me what’s going on!” The child
who is already shut down and overwhelmed will likely get even more
closed off and resistant when he feels the intensity of the stress.
Your best tool here is calm, patience and – you guessed it –
validation using a few because-statements to put their thoughts or
feelings into words.

2. “I would never have dared give my parents the silent

treatment.” If you interpret the silence as disrespectful, you might
react with anger. It’s true – shutting someone out isn’t necessarily
respectful, especially in some cultures. The problem is, even if you
demand respect or implement consequences for refusing to talk,
children may only tell you what they think you want to hear or what is
most likely to minimize the chance of punishment. We would never
suggest that you should allow insults or language that crosses your
line, but being curious about why your child is refusing to talk tends
to yield more in the long run than reacting with anger or
consequences. In our experience, when parents get angry at a kid’s
refusal to talk, this adds more fuel to the fire within the child who is
already weighted down by some other emotional issue.

3. “I’m devastated. He should be able to talk to me about

anything.” Some parents forget about how strong the
neurobiological bond between parent and child really is, and that a
small bump in communication or even a brief total breakdown isn’t
going to cause lasting damage. This comes up a lot in split-family
situations or when your child goes through the different phases of
preferring one parent’s company to another. It also starts to come up
more in the preteen years as your child starts developing normal
needs for independence. It can feel like his temporary refusal to talk
to you is a reflection of your overall relationship (“He doesn’t love me
as much as he used to”/“He doesn’t trust me”) or your parenting
abilities (“See, I’m getting it all wrong; otherwise why would he refuse
to talk to me?”). If you think you may have done something that the
child is angry about, you can always apologize, as described above;
however, sometimes the child’s refusal to talk isn’t about the parent
or the quality of the parent–child relationship at all. It really can be all
about the child feeling too overwhelmed to be able to put thoughts
into words. If you notice lots of self-blame in your mind or a strong
feeling of rejection when you child shuts you out, that may push you
to want to reconcile with your child ASAP so you can feel better. This
is totally normal but needs to be balanced with your child’s need for
time; otherwise, he’s likely to feel pressure to “make up” with you
before the feelings have run their course.
Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 11
“I’m so Bad/Stupid …”

We all have moments when we’re not proud of something we’ve

done. A rare statement from your child like “I’m such an idiot” isn’t
usually a cause for concern. However, some children get into a
pattern of putting themselves down or have major episodes of self-
criticism. When a child engages in harsh self-criticism, once she is
calm, you can help her see all the great things about her, but in the
heat of the moment, reassurance is unlikely to have the desired
effect. Self-blame can also be a way to deal with negative feelings. It
can feel better for children to blame themselves than to get blamed –
at least there’s more control in it. Regardless of the fuel for the self-
blame, our task is to help our children find a better way to express
their negative feelings.

Scenario A: “I’m so Bad …”

Let’s say your child breaks one of his parents’ belongings or gets in
trouble for something he’s done wrong. It can be right away or later
on that they say some version of “I’m a bad kid.”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:
“No, you’re not! You’re a good boy/girl.”

“Honey, you shouldn’t think that; it was your behavior that was bad.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Yes, you were bad. You need to do better next time.”

Imagine a scenario where your child says to you his version of

“I’m so bad …”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

At their core, kids want to be accepted by their parents. When
they’ve behaved badly, they often worry they will be rejected or that
their parents won’t love them anymore. Children who insult
themselves are usually feeling shame. They can’t separate out the
fact that a negative behavior doesn’t make someone a bad person.
Especially when children are repeatedly struggling with their
behavior, they may feel like they are doomed to continue losing
control and hurting others or getting in trouble. Sometimes they fear
punishment and would rather criticize themselves as a shield from a
parent’s criticism or to show that they are remorseful. Other times,
their self-criticism is an expression of feelings like guilt, anxiety or
anger that they just don’t know how to communicate in a more
appropriate or direct way. They don’t yet understand that almost any
situation can be worked through with some support.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m worried that I’ll never stop misbehaving/hurting
others/getting in trouble.”
Possibility B: “I’m ashamed at how I just behaved and I want to show
you badly I feel about it so that you won’t be as mad at me or love
me less.”
Possibility C: “I’m so upset about the mistake I made that I can’t
stand it.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “Oh, honey. I see that you feel badly about yourself, maybe
because you worry this will keep happening or that there must be
something wrong with you to keep getting in trouble.”
Option 2. “You’re really regretting what you did.”
Option 3. “Sounds like you’re worried I’ll think less of you for this.
You want to make sure we’re okay.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you would feel “bad” because _________, and
because _________, and because __________.

As in other chapters, it may feel pretty icky to make these kinds of

statements in case it conveys agreement, especially with something
so hurtful for the child. Remember that validation isn’t agreement.
This is the first step in helping your child feel understood so that he
can be open to what’s coming up next – your support.
 Step 3. Getting Practical
Emotional support: In response to shame and anxiety about being
“bad” or defective in some way, children do need to know that you
see their goodness and that their actions don’t define them.
Providing validation first will open the door for this kind of support to
make its way into their inner world.

For example:
“I might be angry, but I will always love you no matter what.”
or
“All people, even adults, make mistakes and break things/hurt
people.”

We want our children to learn self-compassion: to be loving and

accepting toward themselves. The easiest way to learn this is by
experiencing compassion from caregivers. When children feel good
about themselves, they’re also way more likely to “do good” too. It’s
a simple equation that’s pretty predictable, although hard to
remember when things get really tense, especially when you want
them to learn a lesson.

Practical support: When a child does something hurtful or harmful,

most often, the practical need is to make amends. Even young
children can participate in a process of reconciliation. Doing so
teaches our children that it’s possible to repair ruptures and
strengthen relationships; that most often there is a solution. For a
young child, making amends may be helping to repair something
broken or with the clean-up. Older children can be involved in all
aspects of this process. I once worked with a child who broke the
classroom computer. He felt extremely ashamed. His teachers
worked with him on a plan to make amends that included
volunteering for duties around the school to earn some of the money
to pay for the computer. When I saw him weeks later, he felt
extremely proud of his contribution. No written or verbal apology
could have affected his sense of self like the practical work he did to
improve the situation.

Sample Script: “I’m so Bad …”

Your child is banging his truck on the pavement, and a wheel falls
off. He starts to sob.

CHILD: “No! I broke my truck! I am a bad boy! I am a very bad

boy!”
PARENT: “Oh dear, let me see what happened. I bet you feel really
bad about that.”
CHILD: (nodding in agreement)
PARENT: “I wonder if you’re also a little scared that you’re going to
get in trouble for breaking your toy.”
CHILD: (nodding in agreement)
PARENT: Maybe when you say that you’re a bad boy, it’s a way to
show Mommy that you feel bad that you were banging
your toy and that you’re scared about what I will say.”
CHILD: (nodding in agreement)
PARENT: “Looks like that broken truck taught you a hard lesson
about being more gentle. Now that you’ve learned the
lesson, it will be easier to remember the next time. Making
mistakes doesn’t make you a bad boy, though. It really
doesn’t. It wasn’t a good choice, but you’ve learned from
it, and now we can figure out what to do next.”
CHILD: “What do you mean?”
PARENT: “Well, we can pretend the truck needs to go to the garage
for repairs and see if glue will work to get that wheel back
on. Or we can say thank you to the toy for the fun and see
about recycling it.”
CHILD: “If the wheel is stuck on with glue, it won’t turn. (sigh) I
guess we can recycle it.”
*Reminder: Your ace in the hole is sincerity. Thanks to their mirror
neurons, your child’s brain will register that your efforts are genuine,
leading to a release of calming neurochemicals regardless of how
well you follow the structure provided.

Common Pitfalls
1. “Wait – isn’t feeling bad about bad behavior a good thing?”
Yes, the experience of guilt after we’ve done something hurtful or
harmful is actually an adaptive response. Healthy guilt is a built-in
signaling system letting us know that we’ve gone against our values
or the values of the group with which we belong (like our family, our
class or our peer group). In other words, guilt helps us to learn how
to navigate future challenges in a way that is respectful to ourselves
and others. However, when children feel shame, it can be corrosive
to their sense of self. Among other possibilities, they are more likely
to withdraw or act out – including with aggression. As Brené Brown
made clear in her TED talk “Listening to Shame,” guilt is related to a
behavior, whereas shame is a focus on self. In other words, guilt is,
“I did something bad” (and I need to learn from it), whereas shame
is, “I am bad” (and I am unworthy).

2. “That sounds like my inner critic! What have I done to my

child?” If a parent has struggled with a harsh inner critic, hearing a
child criticize herself in this way can trigger self-blame (it’s my fault
that she thinks so negatively about herself) or worry that the child will
develop low self-esteem or depression. It can feel paralyzing –
sometimes to the point that it’s hard to focus on what’s going on for
the child, including what to say and do. See Chapter 4: Staying on
Track for ways to manage the worry and self-blame that may come
up so that you can regain access to your instincts and what you’ve
learned.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like
this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in
the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Scenario B: “I’m so Stupid …”

In this situation, imagine an older child impulsively tells a friend a
secret she was supposed to keep for another girl. When the girl finds
out, she disinvites your daughter from her birthday party. She’s now
at home, crying in her bedroom. When you come in to check up on
her, she responds with “Leave me alone! I am so stupid!”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Why don’t you try calling her? Or I can call and talk to her mother?”

“Everyone makes mistakes. There will be other birthday parties.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Yeah, that was a bad move. I hope you learned your lesson!”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“I’m so stupid …”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

With older kids, the mishaps are often a bit more complicated. It may
be losing at a game, getting rejected by a crush or not knowing
something their older sibling does. When children call themselves
“stupid” or some other insult, they are usually struggling to deal with
the bad feeling that comes from making a mistake, whether that
evaluation is objective or through the eyes of the child.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I should have been able to do better. Messing up like
this makes me question how good I am.”
Possibility B: “I’m so embarrassed by what happened, and mad at
myself for not knowing better. I wish I could go back in time and act
differently.”
Possibility C: “I’m worried that no one will forgive my mistake. I’m
scared I’ll be excluded from the group forever.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 Step 2. Putting It into Words
Option 1. “No wonder you feel bad for telling the secret. You never
meant for it to go this far and you think you should have known
better.”
Option 2. “You can’t let yourself off the hook for this one. I think I get
it. Maybe you’re worried that she won’t forgive you and you feel like
it’s all your fault.”
Option 3. “I can see why you’re upset. You really care about her and
you want things to be okay between you.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you would feel stupid because _________, and
because _________, and because __________.

*Reminder: Although these statements are meant to calm the storm

in the brain, we don’t want to stop there. If we did, it could feel like a
bit of a cliffhanger. It’s once you’ve spoken their perspective that
your child will be more open to your emotional and practical support.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: Self-criticism and obsessively thinking about
mistakes are ways the brain tries to cope with big feelings that feel
bad. In Chapter 4, we talked about self-compassion for parents; this
is a situation where we can help kids develop perspective and self-
compassion. It’s possible that your child hasn’t yet examined all the
factors and is unrealistically putting all the blame on herself. You can
help her see her own actions as a smaller part of the whole. You can
remind your child that everyone does something they wish they
hadn’t from time to time; it’s part of being human. In this situation,
your child will likely to be able to work it out with her peer group, so
you can give her some realistic hope around this. You can also
remind your child that just like criticizing others isn’t a great strategy
to motivate people to do better (would they want their coach or
teacher to speak to them in this way?), when we criticize ourselves,
we end up intensifying the weight of the stress and feeling even less
capable of finding a way forward.
If the situation can’t be easily remedied, then you can still help
your child think kind and compassionate thoughts for herself and the
person or people she feels she may have hurt or wronged. There are
many books and apps for teaching mindfulness and self-compassion
to kids (see Chapter 24: Recommended Readings). Being with her
and helping her sit with her tough feelings is a huge amount of
emotional support and demonstrates the compassion you hope she
will one day learn to show herself.

Practical need. Once you’ve provided some orientation to the big

picture, the practical strategy that will help the most involves getting
back on the horse – in other words, to face people again. Peer
relationships and acceptance are extremely important to older kids.
Your role can be to help your child make amends by brainstorming
and problem-solving with her how to approach the situation and then
helping her practice what to say to the person she feels she’s
wronged. For example:
“As bad as this feels, I’m pretty sure that your friend will forgive
you. Let’s sit down together and think of some ways to reach out to
her?”
or
“Absolutely everyone messes up in friendships. (Insert your own
embarrassing story.) Let’s think of some options for dealing with the
situation now.”
When kids are stuck on replay for big feelings or self-criticism and
we’ve gone through the framework once or twice, sometimes the
most helpful thing we can do is to get them off their current brain-
track. A short-term distraction can get the child “unstuck.” Suggest
something active like going for a walk, something connecting like
playing a game of cards, or something easy and enjoyable like
listening to music. Once your child has settled a bit, she may then be
more able to try the other ideas above.
Note: If your child is feeling “stupid” about academic achievement,
then there may or may not be a need to redo a test or assignment or
to help the child have more realistic expectations for her
performance. In these cases, refer to Chapter 15: “I Got a Terrible
Mark …” for more tips to navigate these types of interactions.

Sample Script: “I’m so Stupid …”

Imagine that 12-year-old Sonia has forwarded a social media survey
to a boy she likes. It has options to check mark questions like: “Do
you like me?”; “Are we friends?”; “Do you want to meet at recess?”
He checks the box for “no” for every single one. She runs down from
her room crying.

CHILD: “I’m so stupid! I should have never sent it!”

PARENT: “Sent what?”
CHILD: “Never mind, you’ll never understand!”
PARENT: “No wait, come here. You sound furious at yourself for
something that obviously didn’t go well.”
CHILD: “Yeah, well I’m a total idiot! Anyone else would have
known better. Kayden basically told me he hates me.”
PARENT: “Oh that’s terrible. What happened?”
CHILD: The child recounts the incident.
PARENT: “Aw, and now you can’t let yourself off the hook for this
because it seems like everyone else would have seen this
coming.”
CHILD: “They would have! Sydney told me he didn’t like me, and I
still wanted to find out for myself.”
PARENT: “Of course you’re upset – it hurts so much when someone
says they don’t like you back. Even worse when it’s right
in front of your face.”
CHILD: (crying now) “I really liked him.”
PARENT: “Oh honey, I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Can I give you a
hug?”
CHILD: (comes closer) “Okay.”

*Reminder: The proposed framework is not a magic formula. It can

also feel really awkward because it goes against so much of what we
were taught about how to respond to children’s thoughts and
feelings. We do urge you to try it out a few times following the steps
as closely as possible as practice really does make a difference over
time.

Common Pitfalls
1. “If I say: ‘I can understand why you’d call yourself stupid … ’,
won’t I give him the message that he is?” Sounding like you
agree with the child’s criticism of himself is a common concern
among parents, and that’s exactly the opposite of what you want to
do! There is no need to repeat the exact name the child calls himself,
just to put the underlying feelings into more descriptive words. Also,
if you put into words your child’s feelings or perceptions of himself
without then offering the emotional and practical support – then yes,
you run the risk that the child misunderstands your intentions.
However, when the because-statements are then followed by the
support strategies, in particular reassurance and big-picture
orientation, what we have found is that doing so doesn’t actually
make the child think the parent agrees. Instead it helps the child feel
less badly about himself because he feels loved and understood
even in his dark place. Once you join him there, your offers to help
will actually have the desired effect, although you may need to offer
a couple of rounds of because-statements and emotional support
depending on the severity of the issue.

2. “She should have known better. Now she has to face the
consequences.” When your child behaves really badly, especially if
she hurts someone else, it can feel like the most important thing to
do is to draw the child’s attention to her mistake and correct the
misbehavior. This is important, but some children need us to attend
to their feelings of hurt, shame, remorse, or anger before they can
learn anything new about how to treat others better. If their emotions
are high, their capacity to learn or engage in problem-solving is
equally low. Attending to your child’s distress by putting it into words
will help calm her brain to help her to get to a place of being able to
have more empathy for the other person.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 12
“You Just Don’t Get It!”

When our kids are infants, we constantly have to guess what they
need, and even then, it’s trial and error. The older and more complex
their thoughts, feelings, and lives become, the more often we
struggle to know exactly what’s going on. The truth is that children
may also understand some aspects of culture, especially youth and
school culture, that we simply do not. Preteens may start holding
back more in their attempt to be independent. Part of this normal
development may also include rejecting some of what parents think
and believe. Yet when children yell “You just don’t get it,” they usually
mean more specifically that we aren’t getting something important
about their feelings, thoughts or experience.

Scenario A: “You Just Don’t Get It!”

Your rules about screen time are clear: no screens before homework
on weekdays. You find your child on his device right after school and
ask him to take a break. He powers off and angrily yells, “You just
don’t get it!”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:
“Honey, the rules are for your sake. That much screen time isn’t
good for you.”

“I was a kid too. I didn’t like when my parents told me what to do, but
I didn’t talk back.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

(sarcastically) “You’re right, when I was a kid we played a game

called ‘outside’.”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you his version of
“You just don’t get it!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

The hidden gem in “you just don’t get it” is a genuine wish to be
understood, and by you. It sounds like a criticism (and really not the
best way for them to go about it), yet it’s actually an invitation to keep
trying. It also implies that the child likely hasn’t felt understood on
this topic or other topics in the past. You may understand her
extremely well most of the time and in hundreds of ways, but it’s all
about the child’s perception in that moment. What’s it like to not feel
understood? Frustrating. It can make you feel angry or disappointed
or even hurt or alone. These are the possible feelings under the
criticism.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I feel alone with this, and I really want you to join me
where I’m at.”

Possibility B: “This topic is a really hard one for me. When you don’t
get it exactly right on the first try, it hurts and I worry it won’t go well.”

Possibility C: “I want you to know that my feelings are so big and

complicated right now that it seems like no one could ever possibly
understand them.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “It might feel like every time you want to play, I tell you to
shut it off. It might be like I don’t get how important the game is to
you.”
Option 2. “I guess it feels impossible to get through to me because
you keep trying to explain, and I keep setting the rules. I don’t blame
you for feeling frustrated.”
Option 3: “You’re absolutely right. There is no way for me to fully
understand what it’s like for you and that’s really tough.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you’d feel like I won’t ever get it because
__________, and because _________, and because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: “You just don’t get it” is an invitation for
conversation and connection. You may communicate to them that
you are willing to try again. If they are still angry or shut down, it may
mean that there’s been a history of feeling alone or misunderstood
that needs to be addressed; we cover this in more detail in Chapter
19: The “Do-Over.”
The relationship may also benefit from an apology such as:

I know that I wasn’t able to understand the last time we tried

to talk about this. I get that it would seem like there’s no point
trying again because it didn’t go well before and I’ve been
quick to set the limit. I’m really sorry for (being distracted/not
giving you air time/not finding a way to get to the bottom of it)
and I’d like to try again.

There is always another chance, as long as we’re sincere in our wish

to understand. You may not be able to have the conversation right
then and there, but you can always set a time to discuss it further a
little later.
“Zoe, I can see this is really important to you. I have to go out this
evening, but how about we talk it over during dinner tomorrow?”

Practical support: In this scenario and others like it, the practical
need can involve teaching direct and assertive communication.
Parents are encouraged to take the lead on the conversation and
encourage kids to explain themselves. It really helps here to convey
genuine curiosity and a sincere desire to understand their
perspective. It’s also important to assume that the child has a
positive intention. In this scenario, the positive intention is the desire
to socialize with friends online. On the other hand, kids don’t always
spontaneously have the ability to understand their parent’s
perspective. To this child, it may be obvious that a video game isn’t
all bad: It’s fun and it’s social. He doesn’t know that his parents didn’t
have online games growing up. So our job is to figure out where the
child is coming from and help him do the same with us.
 Usually, once there is a deeper level of mutual understanding, a
reasonable negotiation follows. Even if nothing changes in the
practical limits you set, your child will feel better understood and
build confidence by learning to state his point of view.

*Reminder: Your ace in the hole is sincerity. Thanks to their mirror

neurons, your child’s brain will register that your efforts are genuine,
leading to a release of calming neurochemicals regardless of how
well you follow the exact structure provided.

Sample Script: “You Just Don’t Get it!”

CHILD: “You just don’t get it!”
PARENT: “It must feel like I really don’t get how important the game
is to you.”
CHILD: “Well, you don’t!”
PARENT: “I’d be angry too in your shoes. You have a lot of fun with
it and I probably don’t understand all the parts of it.”
CHILD: “So why don’t you just let me play, then?! My friends are
all online and they’re allowed.”
PARENT: “Yeah, I guess it feels crappy to have to miss out.
Technology really is more social than it used to be when I
was a kid. It makes sense that you’d want to keep playing
to be with them too. Okay – let’s talk about this at dinner
tonight so we can find a solution that works. We’re not
going to let you play nonstop, but we can figure something
out.”
CHILD: “Fine.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “But I really don’t ‘get it’.” Fair enough. We’re not often going to
understand our kids completely. Here’s a trick: validating the fact you
don’t actually get it and how that’s frustrating to them is actually
“getting it,” at least the most important part of it. Conveying
understanding of their frustration with you may be enough to break
the ice and lead to more connection. It may even open the door to
your child trying to tell you more of what’s going on. Your child will
also appreciate you trying to understand better, especially if this is a
new way of relating to each other.

2. “My parents never fully understood me, and I turned out

fine.” This is true for lots of us. Thankfully, full understanding isn’t
possible or necessary. The main component of understanding here
is really seeing that the child’s motivations are inherently normal and
good. In the extreme situation, when children feel rejected by their
parents, this has a profound impact on the emotional health and
well-being of all involved. As professionals, we see this often with
2SLGBTQ+ children, teens, and adults and their loved ones. If
gender identity or sexual orientation is a relevant topic for your
family, let us first acknowledge that this is new territory for so many
adults in caregiving roles. Even if you don’t understand fully your
child’s experience or identity, making an effort to educate yourself
can show that even if you don’t quite get it yet, you care deeply
about getting to know them better. In fact, when parents make the
effort to learn more about their children’s inner world more generally,
it leads to more connection for everyone involved, even if there is a
road ahead in terms of the understanding piece. In this domain,
effort really does count twice.

What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s

experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Scenario B: “You’ll Never Understand”

Your child wants to participate in an event scheduled during an
important religious or cultural celebration. It’s very important to you
that your children honor their tradition. When you say he can’t go to
the event, he says, under his breath: “You’ll never understand.”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Come on, it won’t be that bad. You can see your friends another
time.”

“The whole family is going; this is nothing new.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“You need to respect your traditions!”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“You’ll never understand.”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

It’s clear that family and community values are important. But what is
the child’s point of view? Children are usually focused on what they
think will be most fun and can’t see the wider importance of tradition.
Especially if their family isn’t from the dominant culture, they can feel
like it’s “weird” or embarrassing to do something their friends don’t
do. They may not know how to explain this to their peers. Children
worry about being left out of their group of friends or seen as
“different,” especially as they reach middle childhood and preteen
years. Children who grow up in a different culture from their parents
often feel a bit misunderstood by both the dominant culture and their
parents’ cultural community. It can be quite lonely to straddle both
worlds. They may have siblings or cousins who really “get it,” but it’s
still difficult to have religious or cultural barriers between parent
and child.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m worried that if I miss this event, I’ll miss out on
what my friends are doing, and being included is really important to
me. You always say family matters most, but my friends count too.
I’m worried that if I say that you’ll just get mad at me.”
Possibility B: “When you grew up, everyone went to this traditional
festival, but here, no one even knows what it is. I’m worried it will
make me look different and that feels vulnerable.”
Possibility C: “It’s hard for me to feel so different from you in this way.
I’m not sure I believe what you believe, but I’m worried that if I don’t
accept your ways, you’ll be really disappointed in me.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “I get why you think I wouldn’t understand. It seems like
we’re always dragging you to these events when you’d rather be with
your friends. Your friends mean a lot to you and you don’t want to
miss out.”
Option 2. “I understand that you think since Mom and I grew up in a
different country/time, we can never really get what it’s like to grow
up here and now. It might feel like we can never really get what it’s
like to be you.”
Option 3. “I can imagine it would feel pretty lonely when we go to
these events. It’s our world, but it’s only partly your world.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you would feel we don’t understand because

_______, and because _________, and because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: This is one of those situations where
acknowledging your child’s point of view may be the most important
factor because the whole thing is about connecting through feeling
more understood. It’s also about accepting your children even if they
are different from you and have a different point of view. Offering
them comfort won’t hurt either, so that they can feel your love across
the current divide. You can also remind your child that feelings pass.
The truth is, as much as we focus on attending to emotions, they rise
and they fall and that can be really helpful for kids to know when they
are at the peak of their “feelings mountain.” Time really does help to
feel better, whether inside or within the family or between friends,
especially at this age. It’s only if you lead with reassurance and
perspective-giving that it will fall on deaf ears. The validation
statements need to come first to open the door.

Practical support: Young children will, of course, need to follow

along with their parents. As your child gets older, you may consider
negotiating around some of your expectations. For example, you
may allow your child to bring a friend along with the family or to meet
up with their friends after the main part of the event. You may allow
for missing certain family events as long as others are attended. If
there are no points for negotiation around attendance, then maybe
what the child does at the event can be negotiated.

Sample Script: “You’ll Never Understand”

PARENT: “Saturday, we are going with the family to celebrate the
holiday.”
CHILD: “No, it’s Ava’s birthday party! Ugh! You’ll never
understand.”
PARENT: “I get why you think I wouldn’t understand. It seems like
we’re always dragging you to these events when you’d
rather be with your friends. Your friends mean a lot to you
and you don’t want to miss out.”
CHILD: “It’s not just that! Ava is one of my best friends!”
PARENT: “It sounds important to you to be there for her. You don’t
want to let her down, and it would be really fun. It’s pretty
hard to have a holiday and an important birthday party on
the same day.”
CHILD: “I know the holiday matters too, but isn’t there any way I
can do both?”
PARENT: “Well, the holiday ends at sundown. I know it isn’t perfect,
 but do you want me to drive you to Ava’s after dinner?”
CHILD: “I guess it’s better than nothing. What am I supposed to
tell her?”
PARENT: “Well, let’s figure that out together.”

*Reminder: The proposed framework is not a magic formula. It can

also feel really awkward since it goes against so much of what we
were taught about how to respond to children’s thoughts and
feelings. We do urge you to try it out a few times following the steps
as closely as possible as practice really does make a difference over
time.

Common Pitfalls
1. “There is nothing to negotiate here.” If a family tradition is
extremely important, it may feel like there is no room to negotiate.
There may never have been negotiation around issues in your
family. Some children will get through adolescence going along with
the family’s tradition. It is more difficult when in a non-dominant
culture because kids see their friends living very differently and feel
misunderstood. When this happens, children can become more
disconnected from parents emotionally, even if they are following the
rules on the surface. They may feel angry and resentful or become
more anxious and unhappy or complain of physical problems to get
out of going with the family. Small amounts of negotiation can help
kids feel more connected and onboard. It may not have been
necessary or possible in your own family growing up, yet it may
make a big difference in your child’s sense of well-being today.

2. “This is disrespectful. He doesn’t value our tradition.” If you

were raised in a family where children did not question or oppose
parents’ wishes, then asking to go to a birthday instead of a family
holiday or religious event can seem very disrespectful. It can also
feel like the child doesn’t value the family’s culture. This is already a
fear many people have when moving to a new country or community,
and the child rejecting the family culture can be a painful reminder.
So, if you notice some anger (which is totally normal when we feel
disrespected or rejected), take a moment to acknowledge this to
yourself and be kind to yourself. It is painful when children don’t
appreciate the importance of our religion or culture. There may be
quite a bit of grief, and you can’t gloss over that. Then go back to
step 1 of building a bridge to understand what your child’s point of
view may be. It is normal for children to think of their own self-
interest first. This is a situation where it is helpful to recognize that
the child’s wish is not a wish against the parent. It is a difference in
life experience and preferences and with time, it will be possible to
smooth out these edges.

Reflections

What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s

experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
Figure 12.1 Knee-jerk response

Figure 12.2 Validation and support

 13
“I Can’t Decide …”

Kids get stuck for many reasons, and one of them is indecision.
We’ve seen many kids freeze, shut down, and meltdown because
they are overwhelmed with choice or don’t know what exactly to say
or where to start. These days, there are so many products, clothes,
and options in every department of life, it’s no wonder choosing is
often a source of distress. It doesn’t help that their brain isn’t the
most flexible for much of childhood and adolescence, especially
since when a child gets stuck, it can affect the whole family. If there’s
a major time crunch or the choice offered is unreasonable for your
child’s developmental level, then of course you may need to step in
and choose for him. However, choice is part of growing up, and
learning to make choices also builds confidence.

Scenario A: “I Can’t Decide …”

Let’s say a child has to pick a small toy at the dentist or a color of an
ice pop at a birthday party, and he gets overwhelmed with the
choices in front of him. He says to his parent, “I can’t decide …”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:
“Hurry – just choose the one you like better.”

“I think you should just pick the red one.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

That’s it. If you can’t choose, I’ll do the choosing for you or you won’t
get to have one.

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you his version of
“I can’t decide …”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

Decisions are hard! It actually takes a lot of mental energy to make
choices and the more options we have, the more stressed we can
become. We have often been taught that making decisions is a
logical process, but decisions are often made on an emotional level,
at least to some degree. Kids who have a harder time tuning into
their own emotions and body sensations can have a harder time
choosing. More empathic, perceptive, perfectionistic, or anxious kids
may also fear making a choice that displeases their caregiver or isn’t
the “best choice.” FOMO affects kids too (Don’t remember what that
means? Ask your kids – they will be happy to educate you as we
were educated ☺).

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I like how cool the sticker looks, but I’m worried that if I
choose it, I’ll regret it because it won’t last as long as the dinosaur.”
Possibility B: “I want the chocolate ice pop but I know adults think a
fruit popsicle is better. I don’t want anyone to be disappointed in me.”
Possibility C: “I’m overwhelmed because I just can’t tell which one I
want and I definitely can’t do it fast. My brain is too full of pros and
cons.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “It is a tough choice! You like so many of them and don’t
want to feel like you picked the wrong one.”
Option 2. “Yeah, it would be easier if they just had one color, so you
wouldn’t have to pick! It’s so hard to know which will be the best.”
Option 3. “I bet you can imagine having every one of them – it might
be hard to settle on just one, especially if you are feeling pressured.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you would have a hard time choosing because
__________, and because _________, and because __________.

*Reminder: Your child’s brain will be far more open to your emotional
and practical support, including the setting of limits, when you first
put into words their perspective.
 Step 3. Getting Practical
Emotional support: Having trouble choosing is a common
experience for so many kids, especially younger ones. Once you’ve
put into words their experience as just described, you may want to
just be with your child patiently while they manage their own choice
process. Tolerating doubt (did I pick the best one or not?) and
uncertainty (“what if I’m upset with what I chose?”) are skills we
teach our children through our calm presence. We can communicate
that it’s normal to have a hard time choosing and that you believe in
their ability to make a good choice. You can also let them know that
you are for them in case they want your help to work it through.

Practical support: When possible, we suggest resisting the urge to

force a choice immediately or pick for the child. We want children to
have the opportunity to work through the dilemma. However, no one
has all day to wait around, and if they are really stuck, it helps kids to
have clear limits as to how long they can take. Reducing the number
of choices to a smaller unit (e.g. offer only 2 instead of 4 options)
may also be necessary. If the child is really out of sorts, you might
encourage taking a temporary break from the decision by redirecting
him to something else, like a game or another activity.

A note on choice: A little choice is helpful for kids; too much choice
can really increase anxiety. If at all possible, we suggest giving two
or at most three choices to young children, and only about things
that make sense. For example, asking a child to choose the family’s
activity for the day or what to eat for dinner is usually much too
difficult a decision. Sometimes, caregivers hope that letting the child
decide what she wants to do will make her happy, but more often
than not, the pressure that results has the opposite effect. As kids
get older, they can be engaged in family decision-making and have
input (this is really helpful in the older childhood and preteen years),
but always in the way that makes sense for their age and
developmental level. For example, a child who starts restricting her
eating will need parents to step back in and choose meals for her
until she’s able to make good choices once more.

Sample Script: “I Can’t Decide …”

You’re at an open house for your stepchild’s new daycare, and she is
presented with a bucket full of stickers and toys to choose from. She
looks up at you with worry in her eyes and says:

CHILD: “Hena, I can’t decide!”

PARENT: “It is a tough choice! They all look like fun and you don’t
want to feel like you picked the wrong one.”
CHILD: “Uhuh. I want the sticker and the frog and the ruler.”
PARENT: “I bet you do – it’s really hard to imagine only choosing
one when they all look so cool.”
CHILD: “Yes! I just don’t know which one to pick!”
PARENT: It’s so hard! You don’t want to be upset with your choice. I
know you can figure this out and I can help. Well, you
already have a ruler at home, and so why don’t you pick
between the sticker and the frog. Stickers are fun and
flashy, but the frog will last longer. What do you think?
CHILD: “Frog.”
PARENT: “You did it! Great job deciding! Okay, let’s go see your
dad. What are you going to name your new little buddy?”

Common Pitfalls
1. “I don’t want to stress my child out over something so
small.” There is truth to this. It won’t always be worth it to work this
type of thing through. The issue is that when some kids get to
routinely avoid decision-making, it can keep the avoidance going and
they come to rely on others around them to make decisions. It’s
much easier to practice occasional decision-making with a stuck
child when young than have to tame the beast later. The stress will
only really lessen with practice and seeing that everything was okay
after making the choice or at least not that bad! That being said, we
encourage you to pick your battles. If you’ve got a lot going on, it
may not be time for this kind of coaching.

2. “Are you really suggesting we use a strategy for such a

minor issue?” Remember in the first part of the book when we
talked about the rationale for this kind of approach? Not only does it
help to increase cooperation and decrease the likelihood of a
meltdown in the moment, it also supports the development of brain
structures that are responsible for coordinating emotion and rational
thought. Every time you use the approach, you are supporting brain
growth between the parts of the brain that work together to make
choices and to regulate big feelings. This means that interactions like
these – even if they aren’t necessarily a big deal – serve to build and
strengthen your child’s capacity to tolerate stress in a variety of
contexts and situations. And so, in a way, you can think about it as
an awesome investment in your child’s development of very
worthwhile abilities.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in
the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Scenario B: “I Just Don’t Know Which One to Choose!”

Let’s say an older child has a school assignment with a list of 10
topics she can select from. She’s been stuck, staring at the paper for
an hour. On the verge of tears, she says, “I just don’t know which
one to choose!”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Just pick any one. I’m sure you’ll do well.”

“Well, you like sports, so why don’t you do that sports one?”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“It’s not that hard, just make a decision!”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“I just don’t know which one to choose!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 Step 1. Building a Bridge
Imagine you are offered three jobs in your field. They are slightly
different, and each comes with unique advantages and
disadvantages. Which one to pick? If you’re like me you might ask
people for advice or you might create a spreadsheet, ranking each
job on various factors to compare them in more detail. You might
even ask for more time to decide. When we call an example like this
to mind – and then morph it into an example with your child and their
unique way of being in the world – we can more easily imagine what
it’s like for them to pick from a list of 10 topics for something that
might feel really important to them. In their little world, everyday
choices do feel like big decisions, and it can help them to navigate
these dilemmas when we acknowledge their stress and support
them through it.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m worried that if I pick the wrong one, I’ll get a bad
mark, and I won’t be able to handle my anxiety and shame over
that.”
Possibility B: “If I pick the wrong one, it may be too hard, and then I’ll
never get it done. And I don’t want to regret my choice – that’s a bad
feeling too.”
Possibility C: “What if my teacher doesn’t like the essay I write and
thinks I’m stupid?”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

*Reminder: The idea here is to connect with your child’s good

intentions, vulnerable feelings, or need for connection driving his
current state of being, even if on the surface it doesn’t seem so.

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “It’s really hard to choose between so many topics,
especially when you think you need to pick a certain topic to do well.”
Option 2. “No wonder this list is giving you a hard time! You like to do
your best to make your teacher happy and it must be tough to know
which one she’ll like.”
Option 3. “I can imagine it’s a lot of pressure to choose only one
topic. You might worry you’ll regret not choosing the other one and
get stuck on that.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you’d feel stuck about which to choose because
__________, and because _________, and because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: Similar to the previous scenario, children in this
situation need your trust that they can figure out some of their
problems independently. They also need to learn to manage the
anxiety and uncertainty that are part of school and life. We
recommend conveying to them your confidence in their capacity to
manage whatever comes up, regardless of their decision. It may also
be helpful to remind them that making choices is a way to learn
about ourselves, and so regardless of their choice they will be better
equipped the next time. If your child does feel regret, you can remind
her that (1) the feeling will pass, (2) we can use regret to learn about
what’s really important to us, and (3) we can never predict or know
exactly what is going to happen, but we can have faith in our ability
to cope with whatever happens.

Practical support: As in the scenario just described, many children

who ask for help with decision-making don’t actually need practical
support. More often, what they need is the emotional support to calm
their brain from the stress of the decision so that they can think more
clearly about what to do. For those who do need a little help in the
practical domain, you can consider going through the options with
them and having the child notice which ones feel more appealing. It’s
less about thinking it through and more about noticing which topics
bring out the child’s natural sense of interest, curiosity, or
enthusiasm. For example, you can suggest to your child that he
imagine he’s chosen a topic and is about to write about it and then
ask: “how does it feel?” You can ask more specifically what the child
notices in his body. It may take a few moments and a few deep
breaths to tune into sensations, especially for a child who isn’t used
to doing so, but it’s worth the effort. Our bodies are extremely reliable
sources of information on how we feel. For example, if he notices a
heaviness or tightness with one topic but lightness or calm with
another, then he’ll have his answer. Once kids are able to tune in to
their gut reaction and trust it, the decision-making process becomes
much more straightforward. There is also the traditional approach of
helping you child create a list of pros and cons or brainstorming
where he may get the information he needs to make a decision. It
usually helps to do a little bit of research on a couple of the choices
to see what you like more, but many kids will need some prompting
to figure out the smaller steps to do so.

Sample Script: “I Just Don’t Know Which One to

Choose!”
You walk past your child’s bedroom and notice her head down on her
desk when she’s supposed to be doing homework. When you ask
what’s wrong she says:
CHILD: “My teacher gave us this paper! I just don’t know which
one to choose!” (flings the paper in your direction – you
see it’s a list of 10 topics for an opinion essay)
PARENT: “Oooh! That’s a lot of choice. None of them probably
seem very appealing, huh?”
CHILD: “I don’t even know what they mean!”
PARENT: “Well, let’s look at these ones. You start to read: ‘Impact of
social media on kids’ …”
CHILD: “Mom! They’re all stupid! You don’t need to read them!”
PARENT: “Okay, I get it now. It’s stressful to have to choose one of
these topics because you want to do well and because it’s
hard to tell which one is going to go best.”
CHILD: “I don’t know anything about ‘Paper vs. Plastic’ or any of
these things.”
PARENT: “It’s so tough to choose when you don’t think you know
enough about the topics, and you don’t want to waste time
on one that won’t work out. Let’s look up a couple of them
to see.”
CHILD: “But then how do I pick?”
PARENT: “Well, I’ve seen you choose projects you like before, and
I’m sure you can do it now. You know what you’re
interested in and a little pre-research might do the trick.”
CHILD: “But what if the teacher doesn’t like it?”
PARENT: “I get why you’d worry about her opinion because she
marks the essay and you want to do well. Do you think
she’d give these topics if she weren’t okay with them?”
CHILD: “I guess not. Okay, well I’ll look at them again. Can you
look at them with me?”
PARENT: “I’ve got to get dinner ready. Why don’t you have a go
first? It’s your topic and I trust you to figure out one that’s
good enough.”
CHILD: “Fine.”
CHILD: (30 minutes later, yelling from upstairs) “Mom, I’m going to
do it on women who’ve won the Nobel Prize.”
PARENT: “Glad you figured it out! Should be interesting too – you
could teach me a thing or two.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “But I want her to do well. She might choose something she
can’t handle.” Standing by and watching your child make a less
than great decision is one of the most difficult things to do as a
parent. We have so much experience and wisdom (often learned the
hard way) that we want to share with our children. When we see
them making a choice we wouldn’t make or that might make life
harder (for her and for us), it’s natural to want to help steer the ship
in a better direction. Children can pick up on the parent’s strong
desire to shape the process, and while they may follow along in the
short term, it can make it more difficult for the child to trust her own
instincts in the long-term. As you give her more opportunity to make
her own mistakes, you may be surprised to find her becoming more
decisive and feeling proud of her growing competence.

2. “It’s important to meet real-world expectations.” There can be

a sense that kids today are being taught to over-focus on doing what
they feel is right for them. While we certainly believe in the
importance of “following your heart,” it is both useful and important to
help children consider other perspectives too. After all, maybe the
teacher really does prefer students do their science experiment on a
legitimate chemical reaction and not how long you have to chew gum
for it to lose its flavor. Decisions may also need to be in the best
interest of the team, group or community. Decision-making can lead
to a discussion about what the child values. In our experience, when
helped to explore their own thoughts and feelings about the possible
outcomes, most kids will make positive choices that benefit both
themselves and others.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 14
“Don’t Go to Work!”

The ultimate trigger (at least for us): “Don’t go to work!” Can you feel
that visceral response bubbling below the surface? And when it
happens, it can sometimes seem like kids are being overly dramatic
or even bossy, which doesn’t make it any easier to stomach. In our
experience, this isn’t intentional “manipulation” or “controlling” but
trying to influence a situation that’s causing them stress in the best
way they know how. Sometimes the worry they experience makes
them feel uncomfortable in their bodies (for more on this topic, refer
to the Chapter 9: “My tummy hurts …”) whereas other times it’s a
mask for anger they may not feeling comfortable expressing –
especially toward the person they want around them the most.

Scenario A: “Don’t Go to Work!”

Let’s say you’re getting ready to go to an evening work function.
You’re getting dressed and your child bursts into the room and flops
onto your bed exclaiming: “Please don’t go to work!”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:
“Sweetie, be a big boy and go play – mommy needs to go to work
tonight.”

“You’ll be fine, Grandma will take good care of you!”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“You didn’t seem to care all afternoon when you were playing
outside!”

Some parents may even try to sneak out the door, so as not to cause
too much of a fuss.

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you his version of
“Don’t go to work!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

Children depend on their parents for a sense of safety and security.
Many feel a little uncomfortable with separation well into
adolescence. Some kids, those with a more anxious temperament or
those who may have experienced more stress in the past, may even
become quite anxious or angry when primary caregivers are away
for a period of time. They may feel like you don’t care about them or
they may worry that they will be flooded with sadness or that
something bad might happen to them or to you. Younger children
also don’t have a very good sense of time so it can be difficult for
them to understand what to expect.
*Reminder: First, try to guess the context: Did something just happen
recently? Does your child have a pattern of getting upset in similar
situations? They key is to ask yourself: what is the most vulnerable
explanation for my child’s complaint?

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m going to miss you too much and that feeling is too
big for me!”
Possibility B: “I don’t want something bad to happen to you or me.”
Possibility C: “I’m mad that you have to leave again.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “No wonder you don’t want me to go. I can imagine you’re
worried that you’ll miss me and it might be hard without me there to
help you with the sad feelings.”
Option 2. “It must feel like it will be too long before you see me next.
And maybe you’re scared something bad might happen while I am
away. I get that you wish I could stay with you instead.”
Option 3. “I bet you’re mad at Mommy for leaving again. I can
imagine it doesn’t feel good that work is so important.”

In Your Own Words:

I can imagine why you wouldn’t want me to go to work because

__________, and because _________, and because __________.
*Reminder: It’s important not to stop here. Getting practical is
essential for anxious kids; otherwise validating their experience can
keep them stuck in a loop of worry. Putting in words their experience
creates the brain flexibility that will be helpful for the next steps.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: Kids need to feel safe and cared for even when
their main caregiver isn’t around. Most of the time, showing your
confidence in the alternate care provider is the strongest way to help
your child feel safe. The message here is: “I trust this person.” They
also need to feel secure in your relationship even when you aren’t
there. They need to know that out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind
and that you are still thinking about them even if you aren’t present in
the same room. Finally, expressing your confidence in your child’s
realistic ability to manage goes a long way. You might say something
like, “I was so impressed with how last time I went out, you read a
story to your stuffies” or “I know that since you’re getting older you’re
going to find it even easier this time to spend the evening with
grandpa.” Refocusing from your child’s anxieties to your child’s
capacity helps him shift focus too. You might also remind your child
that feelings do eventually pass (they really do rise and fall!). A few
minutes of 1:1 time can also ease the transition.

Practical support: If your child struggles with anxiety about

separating from you, in addition to some reassurance that they are
safe, they also need help to face their fear in ways appropriate for
their age. Whether it’s a daycare drop-off, taking the bus for the first
time or a birthday party, separation fears will happen at some time
for most children. Planning ahead of time can make things much
easier. Here are some things to consider ahead of the separation:

1. Tell children the truth. As tempting as it may be to sneak away

while they are happy or to tell a white lie, children become more
 anxious if and when they realize they’ve been deceived. They
will expect to be deceived in the future, which will increase their
vigilance.
2. Practice with small separations first and gradually work your
way up to the bigger ones.
3. Show your confidence in your child’s ability to handle the
separation. As you prepare them, use positive language like
“You and your babysitter are going to have so much fun,” or
“Let’s plan some extra special things you can do with Papa on
Friday night.” Minimize checking and questioning like “Are you
worried?” and “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

Even if you’ve done all you can to prepare your child, the anxiety will
still surface some of the time. In these instances, you will still need to
support your child by ensuring a trusting handover to the other
responsible adult, perhaps even using rewards for steps in the right
direction, and staying the course. In other words, it is just as
important to remain consistent and firm with respect to the plan as it
is to be comforting.

Sample Script: “Don’t Go to work!”

CHILD: “Don’t go to work, Mommy!”
PARENT: (turns to child, gets down to her level and holds her
hands) “Oh, sweet pea. It’s not fair that I have to go to
work and you don’t get to come.”
CHILD: (turns away) “It isn’t fair! I don’t want you to go. I’m mad at
you.”
PARENT: “I think sometimes you worry it will be too long before you
see me and that makes you really upset. I bet you wish
that it could just be me and you all day long.”
CHILD: “I don’t even know when you’re coming home.”
PARENT: “Right – that’s a yucky feeling! Well you do know that
Mommy always comes to get you from daycare, and we
 walk home together. I come after 2:30. How about I show
you how to know that time on the clock? But even if I’m a
little after that, I’ll always come.”
CHILD: “Okay, Mommy.”
PARENT: “Let’s have a big hug. Let’s get your backpack ready and
you can tell me about the rocket ship you are making.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “I’m a terrible parent. Maybe I shouldn’t go back to work?” It’s
pretty hard as a parent to escape the pressure to give 100% to our
children and to work and to be social and to take care of ourselves,
and, and, and … This is extra hard in separated families where there
may be less day-to-day time with kids. Despite making the best
choices possible, many parents still feel badly about being torn in
several directions. If you can relate, go back to Chapter 4 to practice
the strategies for self-compassion. It will make it so much easier to
stand back and not take this comment personally. When it comes to
caregiving, research has shown time and time again that quality
matters more than exact quantity. We can all experience shame as
parents and worry that we aren’t doing enough for our children. We
need to recognize when these feelings pop up so we don’t let them
make our parenting decisions for us. Kids may complain when you
go out, but they benefit from seeing their parents happy and fulfilled
too. There needs to be a balance within your current reality –
whatever that may be.

2. “I miss my kiddos too, and I definitely worry about their well-

being when I’m not with them.” Some of us really want the extra
time with our kids and worry they may feel alone or left behind. This
is especially difficult if we’ve ever felt that way in our own childhoods.
If you can relate to that feeling, it’s possible that every time you leave
your child, you relive your own pain. Even if you say nothing, kids
have antennae to pick up on caregivers’ fears. It becomes a cycle in
which a child seems anxious about separation, so then the parent
becomes more anxious and then the child, sensing that, becomes
more anxious still. Caregivers can take the lead in breaking this
cycle by setting a step-by-step plan to gradually increase separation
and showing kids this is okay. There are great books and websites in
the appendix that explain how to do this. Having brief separations
from parents is a vital part of development for older kids. As they
master some independent time, you’ll also see kids’ confidence and
sense of mastery grow.

3. “I don’t want to damage our attachment.” Some books and

websites about “attachment” seem to suggest that it is harmful for
children to experience distress when separated from their parents.
Of course we don’t want to cause our children harm and kids who
have separation fears can be in a lot of distress, reinforcing the idea
that leaving them temporarily can cause damage. Our best research
information on attachment suggests that while appropriate care and
comfort are essential to a child’s well-being, developing emotional
health requires a balance of closeness and separateness between
parent and child. Healthy attachment is about being there for comfort
as much as it is helping them to let go for periods of time. When
children have enough of their primary attachment figures and good
quality support at daycare, school, or other environments, they do
well. In other words, they don’t need their main caregivers all the
time, especially after age 5 or 6. This means that it’s absolutely,
totally, 100% okay to be away from your child for periods of time. In
fact, what can be more important to the child’s adjustment is whether
their emotions about the separation are expressed and worked
through.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Scenario B: “You Care More about Your Job than You Do

about Me!”
Your child made the basketball team this year. He’s really excited
about it, and every Wednesday evening his team plays another team
in the school district – the same day you lead a weekly staff meeting.
You can make arrangements once in a while to get coverage to see
him play but not as often as you (or he) would like. Another Tuesday
night rolls around, and your son asks you if you’ll be coming to his
game, and you give him the bad news. He turns around and walks
away, muttering under his breath: “You care more about your job
than you do about me.”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“That’s just not true. How can you say that?”

“You are very important to me, but the meetings were already
scheduled.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Someone needs to pay for the roof over your head, never mind your
sports equipment that cost me over a hundred dollars!”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“You care more about your job than you do about me!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

This is one of those accusations that can really sting. Some parents
really take it to heart; others might find it over the top. It depends on
you, your child, and the context. In any case, it will likely take a
moment to check in with yourself about your reaction before building
the bridge to understand your child’s point of view. Usually when kids
level this accusation or complaint, they are feeling left out, are
missing you, or are disappointed about missing out on something
else because you are not available. They often hide their sadness in
anger.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “When you spend so many hours at work, I miss seeing
you but I’m too embarrassed to admit it.”
Possibility B: “I would love to have you at my basketball game, and
I’m angry at you and your work for making that impossible.”
Possibility C: “I’m sad because even if I don’t show it, your approval,
time, and attention mean a lot to me. I worry that I’m not worth it to
you.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

*Reminder: The idea here is to connect with your child’s good

intentions, vulnerable feelings, or need for connection driving their
current state of being, even if on the surface it doesn’t seem so.

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “I don’t blame you for being angry at me, because work got
in the way again. You want me to show more interest, and it’s got to
hurt when I don’t show up.”
Option 2. “You have every right to be upset. You really needed my
support and I wasn’t there. It must have felt like you didn’t matter. I’d
feel bad too if I were in your shoes.”
Option 3. “I can imagine that it’s probably a little bit embarrassing
when your friends’ parents are there and we’re not. Maybe you feel
awkward explaining why we aren’t there. I bet that’s upsetting too.”

In Your Own Words:

I can imagine why you wouldn’t want to be at work because

__________, and because _________, and because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: This scenario is a little different from the first
one in this chapter. In the former, the parent is consistently there and
the child is mostly anxious; in the latter, there has been a
disappointment, and the child is angry and hurt rather than worried.
Although it isn’t realistic or helpful for parents to always put their
children first, if you feel comfortable doing so, it can help to
apologize for the hurt. You may also want to reassure your child with
your words and actions that you love him, want to connect with him,
and that he matters to you. Each of us has a different way of
showing this. For some people, this may be verbal – for example,
saying something like the preceding sentences and then adding “I
wish I could have been there. I love to see you in action.”

Practical support: This type of complaint may signal that the child
feels there’s a lack of quality time. We can all be busy and distracted
such that we don’t spend much time truly together. If you can relate,
you may want to take some responsibility for the lack of connection
and offer a realistic way to course-correct the feelings with a special
date or a plan for next time. The good news is that it doesn’t take
much in the way of absolute time to strengthen the bond with a child.
Even as little as 30 minutes of undivided attention a week has been
shown to strengthen the parent–child relationship. This is like putting
money in the emotional bank. A child will tolerate separation and
missed commitments better if she feels like he is getting enough
connection on a routine basis.

A note on new partners and remarriage: For those of you in new

relationships, you may also hear “you care more about (your new
partner) than you do about me!” This can be painful as you try to
juggle everyone’s feelings and can’t seem to please anyone. It may
also be relevant to go back to the Chapter 7: “You love my sister
more …” and to reread the earlier section of this chapter substituting
new partner for work. Kids desperately value 1:1 time with their
parents; new partners and family members often change that
dynamic. It’s not a question of right or wrong (parents are allowed to
find love and happiness for themselves) but of openly acknowledging
the child’s perspective and feelings about the change. The good
news is that you don’t actually need to clone yourself, but rather
attend to your loved ones’ feelings and to support them over the
hump of hurt.

Sample Script: “You Care More about Your Job than You
Do about Me!”
CHILD: “You care more about your work than you do about me!”
PARENT: “I don’t blame you for being angry at me, because I
promised to be there as often as I could and work got in
the way again. I get why it would seem like I don’t care.”
CHILD: “That’s lame, dad. Don’t try to agree with me.”
PARENT: “It may seem lame if it feels like I’m just trying to say what
I think you want to hear. You have every right to be upset.
All you want is for your father to pay attention and show
interest, and it’s got to hurt when I don’t show up.”
CHILD: “The science fair was a big deal. We got second prize.
Jack’s dad was there and he’s the president of his
company!”
PARENT: “Ouch. That would have made it extra hurtful. It might feel
like I should have made it happen too. I wish I could have
been there, and I would really love to see the project and
hear all about the fair.”
CHILD: “Well, you’re probably too busy.”
PARENT: “I am often busy, but I’ve got a couple hours tonight after
dinner, and I’ll turn off my phone so no one can interrupt
us. Your brother can watch a video.”
CHILD: “Fine, we’ll see if you know anything about digestion”
(smiling).
PARENT: “Does burping count?”

Common Pitfalls
1. “Aren’t they too old for this kind of behavior?” It may feel too
“needy” or “clingy” for an older child to ask for more attention. Similar
to what we discussed earlier, the main emotional need here is one of
connection with the parent and to feel like they matter. These are
totally normal human needs. Depending on how we were raised, it
may feel excessive or clingy, but in fact, adults throughout life need
connection with their significant others. Also, the more children feel
their parent pulling away, the more “clingy” they will become. This is
the natural pattern in relationships. You may find that a little more 1:1
time is all it takes for things to settle down. And if you find yourself
struggling with the boredom that often comes with kid-related
activities, try to find something that would be enjoyable for both of
you.

2. “My job is really important. My child needs to understand

that.” This is 100% true, and over time, your child will absolutely be
able to look back and understand the logic of you being temporarily
unavailable or away for periods of time. The thing is that children just
don’t have that perspective when they are children. Their brains
aren’t yet mature enough to handle that kind of big picture stuff. It’s
also normal for them to see their own needs as most important;
believe it or not, that’s not abnormal selfishness, it’s developmental.
It will help them to understand logically the importance of your work
(or new partner) if you can first acknowledge that their emotional
reaction to your being away is normal and acceptable. In fact, it’s a
compliment to you as a person and your relationship that they value
you and want you around. It may come out as criticism, but it’s
actually an expression of love.

3. “I show my kid that he matters is so many ways. This feels

disingenuous.” As parents, we can’t even keep track of the many
ways we care for our children and put them first. If they only knew
the extent of the sacrifice that comes with being a parent. It can feel
silly to need to reassure a child about your commitment to him, but
it’s common for kids to worry about whether a parent is really there
for them or even cares. This is the most important concern for most
kids, so they continually test it and ask about it. Parents may have
many connections, a partner, other kids, family members etc., but no
one is more important to a kid than his parents.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 15
“I Got a Terrible Mark …”

Because school is a big part of children’s lives, so is classroom

achievement. It’s no secret that within each classroom there is a
range of abilities, with about 50% of students performing in the
average range, 25% performing better than their peers, and 25%
struggling to keep up. By about the second grade, kids also start to
recognize and care about how they are the same or different from
their classmates, and they compare themselves to their peers to
learn about themselves and the world. This means that when they
struggle to succeed, it can feel even worse if they are also aware
that they find themselves in the bottom of the grade pile. Unlike
hobbies, where if you don’t have natural talent or interest you can
move on to another, school is a non-negotiable – and for a long time.
Therefore, when kids struggle with performance, it’s important to
help them work through the associated emotions so that they don’t
end up with low academic self-esteem or low motivation. If you are
reading this and thinking to yourself: “Too late! My kid already hates
school/thinks he’s stupid” – don’t despair. These strategies can help
to turn the ship around. Bad feelings fuel low academic self-esteem
and low motivation. When we can help kids move through feelings
like frustration, shame or sadness, they spontaneously feel better
about themselves and school.
In other cases, kids will feel like they did terribly on a test or an
assignment when objectively, they did okay, even quite well. Many
children struggle with perfectionism, and it almost always comes out
related to schoolwork and grades. A child with perfectionistic
tendencies has a keen ability to notice and focus on mistakes. She
tends to be hard on herself and expect herself to avoid mistakes and
displeasing others at all costs. We will tackle both situations in this
chapter.

Scenario A: “I Got a Terrible Mark …” (F)

In this scenario, let’s assume your son did poorly on a spelling test.
When you get home from work and ask about his day, he
begrudgingly admits that he failed his test, spelling only 9 words
correctly out of 20. He is sulking in front of the TV and avoids eye
contact.

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Aw, sorry honey you’ll do better next time.”

“Well, now you know that we have to do more practice together after
dinner.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Did you even try? What happened? Were you fooling around?”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“I got a terrible mark …”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 Step 1. Building a Bridge
Shame. It’s one of the most noxious human experiences. It’s a really
hard emotion to manage for adults – imagine for kids with
underdeveloped brain structures for regulation! When people feel
shame – no matter their age – the impulse is to withdraw (hide their
mistakes) or attack (it’s your/the teacher’s fault this happened). Poor
grades inevitably trigger shame. Even if your child acts like she really
doesn’t care, there’s a high chance she does. Children care much
more about what parents and teachers think than they’d like to
admit.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I feel embarrassed. I’m scared I’ll never be good at
spelling.”
Possibility B: “I’m mad at myself, and I’m worried you will be too.”
Possibility C: “I’m fed up. No matter how hard I try, I feel like I’ll never
succeed.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “I can imagine that it feels pretty bad, especially if other
kids did well on the test.”
Option 2. “I bet you feel disappointed. Maybe you’re even worried
that you’ll get in trouble.”
Option 3. “It’s probably feels lousy to have to think about it. Failing
feels bad, even if it’s something like a spelling test.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you would feel bad about your mark because
__________, and because _________, and because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: Whatever your child throws your way like anger
(“it was a stupid test anyway!”), other-blame (“my teacher didn’t even
tell us about the test”), or denial (“what test? I didn’t have a test”),
underneath it all is shame. Humans will do anything to avoid shame,
so it’s no wonder that some kids routinely try to avoid discussing
poor grades, lie about them, or avoid the work they worry they’ll do
poorly on. What they need is communication of acceptance. They
want to know that school performance doesn’t affect how much you
love them or care about them. It definitely helps some children to tell
them that your love for them is not conditional on academic
performance, but they also read your facial expression and body
language. This means that if you notice that your own stress,
embarrassment, or frustration with your child keeps surfacing, that
has to be addressed first or attempts to do things differently with
your child will backfire.

Practical support: Once your child feels reassured (and this may
take more than a minute), only then is it time to help him face the
situation. You can help children to do this by looking over a test or
assignment together, talking to the teacher, changing some
expectations at school, getting extra academic help, or a
combination of these options. Heads up – if you choose the first
option, it will take some creativity to look over a failed test without
overwhelming the child with bad feelings. Other tactics that can help
are asking the child to teach you the material, modeling the right
approach without putting them on the spot to demonstrate what they
can’t yet do, and playing a game with the content without directly
looking at the “mistakes” on the test.

Sample Script: “I Got a Terrible Mark …”

PARENT: “Hey Jer. How was school today?”
CHILD: “Bad.”
PARENT: “Why – what happened?”
CHILD: (avoids any eye contact) “I failed my spelling test.”
PARENT: “Oh no. I bet that’s pretty disappointing.”
CHILD: “No. I hate spelling. A lot of other kids failed too.”
PARENT: “In that case, I could imagine you might feel frustrated.”
CHILD: “I do. The words were too hard. It wasn’t fair.”
PARENT: “Makes sense you’d be upset. Maybe it feels like you
didn’t get a fair shot to do well, and you want to get a
decent grade. Maybe it just feels lousy to have to share
your mark with me.”
CHILD: “Well it’s not the end of the world.”
PARENT: “You’re right, it’s not. I’m glad you can see that.”
CHILD: “So, wait – I’m not in trouble?”
PARENT: “No, son, you’re not in trouble. The most important thing is
to learn from the experience and move on. And I’m here
to help. We can practice for the next spelling test together
if you want. Of course I’ll do my best to make it tolerable –
I can imagine practicing spelling words with your dad isn’t
very high on your bucket list.” (smiling)
CHILD: “Thanks, Dad.”

*Reminder: The proposed framework is not a magic formula. It can

also feel really awkward because it goes against so much of what we
were taught about how to respond to children’s thoughts and
feelings. We do urge you to try it out a few times following the steps
as closely as possible as practice really does make a difference over
time.

Common Pitfalls
1. “He needs to feel the sting so he’ll work harder next time.”
You want him to learn his lesson so that he does better next time.
After all, academic success is a buffer in life and you want him to be
a productive member of society – for his own sake! Although your
motivations are very good, we now know that kids are rarely
motivated by a sense of failure or by shame or fear. Rather, these
experiences can lead to a desire to withdraw and hide. Over time,
your child might then be triggered to pull back when faced with more
challenging situations, rather than pushing himself to try again. Your
child might even become critical of the teacher or adopt the position
that school sucks. Good news though: When you can use the
structure we’ve outlined, you can help your child move through the
tough feelings so that they don’t interfere with his natural inclination
to keep at it.

2. “He’s not going to succeed in life if he can’t manage in

school.” When a kid comes home with a low mark, it makes sense
that it can trigger our own fears for his future. It puts pressure on us
to figure out a solution, and that’s hard too. The issue is that our
fears for the future can become a huge weight on our kids’
shoulders. We absolutely need to act to help our kids manage
academically, but the worry can get in the way of productive action. If
kids sense that you don’t believe in them, it affects their confidence.
So we need to find our own practical action plans and ways to
believe in our kids’ successful future.

3. “Well, then, it’s time to buckle down and study harder.” You
may feel anxious about this setback and decide that your child needs
to increase homework time to help him to do better. You may even
consider a tutor. While doing so may be necessary, it is important to
maintain a balance between structured time that involve
expectations (homework and chores) and unstructured time.
Research shows that free play/free time is linked to a range of
positive outcomes in child development and an absence of adequate
time for child-led activities may be contributing to higher rates of
depression and anxiety seen in children and teens over the last
decade. So if more time is needed on after-school academic
enrichment, then some other expectations may have to be
decreased so there is still enough time for relaxing and having fun.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Scenario B: “I Got a Terrible Mark …” (A)

In this next scenario, your daughter calls you from school and bursts
into tears. She is devastated that she only earned an 88% on her
science project. She usually strives for an A+ in every subject and
was hoping to win the science fair. Someone else in her class
earned a 94%.

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“But honey – an A is a great mark! You should be proud of yourself.

So many kids would be happy with that mark.”

“Sweetie – you have to see the big picture. It’s okay! It’s more than
okay!”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“You’re being ridiculous. Stop being so dramatic.”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you his version of
“I got a terrible mark …”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

At first glance – this reaction to an A seems outsized and over-the-
top. You may wonder where your child got this skewed perspective
or how she can be so hard on herself. Many kids today feel a
pressure to succeed academically that goes beyond anything we felt
as children. Sometimes, they sense that it’s hard “out there” to get
into good programs and get well-paying jobs and so it can feel like
the stakes are high. Some kids base self-worth on achievement, so
mistakes are seen as a sign that they aren’t “good enough.” Others
are simply wired for perfectionism.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m worried this mark will bring down my grade and I
won’t be allowed to stay in the gifted program.”
Possibility B: “My academic reputation means a lot to me. Being the
best academically is part of my identity and so this feels really
embarrassing.”
Possibility C: “You are always so proud when I come home with a
great mark. I’d rather put myself down than risk feeling your
disappointment in me.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

*Reminder: If you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, engaging in

this mental exercise can be a real challenge. You might find that
taking a break or a couple of deep breaths might make it easier to
brainstorm possible emotional translations.

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “I can understand why you’d be upset with your mark.
Doing really well at school is really important to you and you don’t
want us to think you’re not capable.”
Option 2. “I’m thinking that maybe you’re scared that you’ll lose
you’re A+ average that you’ve worked so hard to achieve. Especially
since you have your sights set on an Ivy League school.”
Option 3. “No wonder you’re upset. You worked so hard on that
project! You really gave it your all, and so I could understand that
anything less than an A+ is hard to stomach.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you’d feel upset about your mark because
__________, and because _________, and because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: The first thing to do is to recognize the genuine
pain your child may feel in this situation. On some level, there is
probably shame about her degree of perfectionism also (“I shouldn’t
be so upset; what’s wrong with me”), so part of the task is to really
understand how deeply wounded she really is and to be with her in
that experience.
Then – if you first felt tempted to reassure your child about their
mark or your impulse was to help them to see that “it’s not such a big
deal,” it’s now time to do just that. Remember that showing your child
that you are with them with validating statements makes it possible
for them to internalize your supportive words and see the “big
picture.” The way they are thinking about their problem becomes a
lot less rigid too.

Practical support: Believe it or not, the way to help kids with

perfectionistic tendencies is to help them to become more
comfortable with making mistakes, including not knowing everything.
You can do so by sharing your own experiences of imperfection,
emphasizing any vulnerable feelings (anxious, embarrassed) that
came alongside, and how you were able to use these experiences to
learn about yourself and life. You may even make a point of
highlighting when you don’t know something or laughing at yourself
with kindness when you make mistakes.
For parents who have children who can’t help but put undue
pressure on themselves, you may consider setting some limits
around time spent on homework or participation in achievement
focused extracurricular activities. Just like too little focus on
achievement can signal underlying fears and shame needing
attention, so too can perfectionism and overachievement. You may
need to take the lead in setting time aside for slower paced activities,
like time in nature, family meals, or time with friends. If you
determine limits are in fact required to protect your child from
wearing out from overdrive, don’t forget to use this framework to
respond to your child’s stress or distress that will likely result: “I don’t
blame for being angry with me about the limits because … because
… because …”

Sample Script: “I Got a Terrible Mark …” (A)

CHILD: “I basically failed my project!”
PARENT: “Huh? Really? What mark did you get?”
CHILD: “An A. I know what you’re going to say: “It’s a great mark.
I should be sooooo proud.” (in a mocking tone)
PARENT: That is the way I’ve responded in the past hasn’t it. You’re
right, it hasn’t always been helpful. I was trying to make
you feel better and instead I just made you feel like you
couldn’t talk to me about your feelings.
CHILD: “Yup.”
PARENT: “Well, I did miss the boat on this one in the past. But if I
put myself in your shoes, I see very clearly why you’d be
upset. You worked really hard on your project and you
were really proud of what you came up with. And marks
matter to you. Not just because they make you feel good
but because you’re known for your ability to do well at
school. It’s like a part of who you are. And so it’s maybe a
 bit embarrassing when you earn anything less than an A+.
And when I rush to reassure you, without at least
acknowledging what it’s like for you, it can feel really
unhelpful. Because I think you already know that in the
end, it’s going to work out, but it still feels crappy to feel
like you’re off course and that’s just as important to you
right now.”

CHILD: “Oooookayyyy.”
PARENT: (with a laugh) “Bet you don’t recognize me, do you?”
CHILD: “Not really, no.”
PARENT: “Is that better?”
CHILD: “Only if you mean it.”
PARENT: “Well that’s the best part. I do mean it. An old dog can
learn new tricks.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “It’s so illogical – isn’t this feeding into it?” In the example
where your school-age child is worried about getting into an Ivy
league school, you may be very tempted to dismiss their feelings
because they aren’t exactly grounded in logic. In a way it doesn’t
make sense for them to worry so much about their grades when
they’ve got a ways to go before they even reach high school.
However, as we’ve illustrated throughout the book, your efforts to
help to correct the reality won’t be effective without first putting into
words their perspective. Besides, once they learn to harness the
power of their drive, it will likely serve them very well in the future.

2. “She’s the one who wants to stay up late improving her

project.” Children who are high achievers and perfectionistic are at
risk of going to extreme lengths to “do their best,” to the point where
it can go overboard. We’ve encountered many instances where kids
who put all their focus into school were at greater risk of breakdown
once they entered college because they simply couldn’t deal with all
the competing demands. These kids can also lose sight of the
importance of cultivating other areas of life, like their social
relationships or leisure activities. Although they may act like they
want to be driven to perfectionism, it is usually more about feeling
compelled to do things to feel less anxious or better about
themselves. When perfectionism is causing distress or disturbing a
child’s life, parents can intervene, just as they would with any other
less socially acceptable or unhealthy behavior.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
Figure 15.1 Knee-jerk response

Figure 15.2 Validation and support

 16
“I Hate My Life!”

When kids make comments like “I hate my life!” they can be said
with different levels of despair. Healthy and generally well-adjusted
kids will routinely say something like this when very upset but so
may kids who’ve really been struggling. If you have any sense that
your child is truly despairing about life, then it’s important to ask
directly and specifically about whether he has any thoughts of
wanting to harm himself. If you have any concerns that your child
may have thoughts of suicide, you do need to get professional help
on an urgent basis. You may also wish to refer to Chapter 24:
Recommended Readings for links to additional resources. The rest
of this chapter is intended for parents of kids who say “I hate my life!”
or some version of that comment when you are confident there is no
actual intent for the child to harm himself or end his life.

Scenario: “I Hate My life!”

Your 10-year-old son has been getting into lots of trouble lately. He’s
in a pattern of acting out in class and losing privileges. At home, he’s
often fighting with his younger siblings and you’ve been butting
heads. To make matters worse, he just found out he didn’t make the
city’s competitive baseball team. While walking by you in the hallway
later that evening, he mutters under his breath, “I hate my life …”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“You don’t really mean that. You were just fine 5 minutes ago.”

“What? You have a great life. Other kids would give anything for the
life you have.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Too bad. You’ll have to learn to make better choices then.”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“I hate my life!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

Think of the last time you said something dramatic. Maybe it was “I
want a divorce!” Or “I swear I am quitting my job!” Connect with the
part of you that can relate to feeling so overwhelmed that you
couldn’t see clearly for a moment and these phrases – or ones like
them – popped out of your mouth. Now with that sentiment in mind,
cross over to Upset Child Island and apply that blueprint over there.
Saying that “I hate my life” often means feeling so upset that all
systems are overloaded, with no ability to communicate something
more rational. Even adults get stuck in believing that there is no way
out of a terrible situation, especially when very upset and solutions
seem non-existent. It is even more difficult for kids to have longer-
term or “big picture” perspective. Your child isn’t able to hold in mind
how lucky they are in the overall scheme of the world; they are
focused on their own immediate problem and don’t see a solution.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m frustrated that I didn’t make the baseball team.
That was the one thing I thought might go well this year.”
Possibility B: “I feel like nobody likes me anymore, not even you. I
can’t exactly come ask for a hug since we’ve been arguing non-
stop.”
Possibility C: “I am embarrassed for getting in trouble at school and
now this let-down. It feels like I can’t catch a break. The only way I
can show you just how upset I really am is to tell you that I hate my
life.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “It must feel like everything’s going wrong no matter how
hard you try! No wonder you hate your life right now.”
Option 2. “I wonder if you might be really disappointed about not
making the team, and you want me to know just how upset you are.”
Option 3. “Maybe it doesn’t seem like I get how fed up you are. You
really need me to know how serious this is.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you’d hate your life right now because
__________, and because _________, and because __________.

*Reminder: Although these statements are meant to calm the storm

in the brain, we don’t want to stop there. If we did, it could feel like a
bit of a cliffhanger. It’s once you’ve reflected their experience that
your child will be more open to your emotional and practical support.

Step 3. Getting Practical

In this scenario, it’s important to help your child find more specific
words for his feelings. Kids usually use these sweeping general
statements (“I hate my life,” “I hate you,” or “nothing ever works out,”
etc.) when they can’t make sense of their feelings.

Emotional support: Once you can break down their state of

overwhelm into words using because-statements like in Step 2, you
(and they) will start to feel better – even if just enough to see that
there are solutions and better days ahead. For example, the child in
this situation is likely experiencing a mixture of frustration, sadness
and embarrassment.
Validating his feelings will likely help to diffuse them. Underneath it
all, he likely also wants comfort. Sometimes kids are like porcupines,
and it doesn’t feel natural to offer a hug when they show their
prickles, yet that may be exactly what they need. Children who say
they hate their life also want to know that you take their feelings
seriously, that you’re in this together and that you have hope that
things will get better. We can also reassure our children that no
matter how big a problem, you will always love them, you will always
be there with them, and the intensity they are feeling won’t last
forever.
If your child says he hates his life and you believe it’s primarily
because he’s overwhelmed with shame at his own behavior and
perceived failures, reassurance can help (check out Chapter 11: “I’m
so Bad/Stupid …” for a refresher), and separating the problem
behavior from the child’s self-concept can help even more. One way
to do this is to talk about the problem as something outside the child.
This is called “externalizing the problem.” Instead of the child being
“bad” for disruptive behavior in class, you can talk about how the
behavior itself is the problem and “takes over”. Younger children like
it when you make up a silly name (e.g., “squiggle-man”) and vow to
work with him together. For example: “When ‘squiggle-man’ shows
up at the park, he’s a lot of fun, but when he shows up at dinner, it
can really upset the family. How can we all do something to help
him?” Older kids still respond well to talking about the behavior as a
separate entity. You might say: “Something has clearly been bugging
you at school and getting you in trouble. Let’s try to figure it out
together.”

Practical support: A potential strategy in this situation involves

brainstorming ways your child can signal his upset to you earlier next
time, before things go too far. Kids usually use these sweeping
general statements (“I hate my life,” “I hate you,” or “nothing ever
works out,” etc.) when they can’t make sense of their feelings. Once
everyone is calm, you can practice other ways to communicate when
really upset, like through drawing or learning more specific feeling
words. It’s also helpful to show the child how to think through the
problem and possible solutions. For example, when the child first
learns he didn’t make the team, he may be so overwhelmed that he
can’t think of the other teams or activities he can sign up for. Once
you’ve helped him sit with his disappointment for a long enough time
to honor it, you can redirect him to consider a few other options and
look at what he might enjoy in each. There is almost always a
solution and almost always another opportunity.
A child who is more chronically seeing the world and her life as
“glass half empty” can benefit from writing what she’s grateful for
each night before bed. This is a nice family activity that helps expand
the focus on the good things. Volunteering or helping out in the
neighborhood also builds appreciation in a way that just talking can’t.
Ultimately, most children who say: “I hate my life” don’t feel that way
on a regular basis, and once provided with some emotional support,
they are able to remember that things are actually going just fine.
A child who mentions hating their life frequently and with a lot of
distress may be in a different boat. They may be signaling that
something in their life is feeling out of their control. Parents will then
want to get to the bottom of what else might be going on. For
example, if a child is in a difficult academic program and feeling
overwhelmed or he is being bullied at school, those issues need to
be addressed head on to help him feel better. Children have little
control over their lives and often don’t recognize that there are
options and so they don’t always think of asking for help. We also
need to be willing to take an honest look at the home environment
for situations that feel to the child like there’s “no way out.” Some
situations where practical changes would be needed include: when
parents are in serious conflict (whether together or separated), when
experiencing any kind of mistreatment (including repeated teasing by
a sibling) and when a parent is seriously struggling with mental
health or substance use issues. If any of these are the case, then the
main problem will need to be addressed to lower the pressure and
sense of overwhelm felt by the child. Don’t hesitate to reach out for
support. Dealing with any of these situations is highly stressful for
parents, and self-care strategies alone aren’t usually enough.

Sample Script: “I Hate My life!”

Imagine a scenario where an 11-year-old girl gets placed in a class
without any of her close friends. The next morning, she finishes the
last muffin in a batch – the one her sister had been saving. Her
father reprimands her for her behavior:
PARENT: “June! Ruby was looking forward to that muffin. You
should have asked her.”
CHILD: “Seriously? Ugh! I hate my life!” (storms off)
PARENT: (a few minutes later after taking some time to breathe)
“Hey, what you said before – sounds like you’re pretty fed
 up with everything.”
CHILD: “Go away!”
PARENT: “I know things have been really hard at school with your
new class, and I get that you’d be super mad at me for
making it worse.”
CHILD: “Duh!”
PARENT: “Well, it must feel like you can’t get a break no matter
what you do.”
CHILD: “It’s so unfair! How come Ruby never gets in trouble when
she eats what I’m saving?”
PARENT: “Yeah, it must seem like I’m just blaming you and don’t
even notice what a bad day you’re having.”
CHILD: “You don’t even seem to care that I’m with no friends. Not
even one.”
PARENT: “When all I focused on this morning was the muffin, you
wondered if I even cared. No wonder you feel bad,
because it seems so unfair and like I’m missing the real
problem.”
CHILD: “I can’t go today, Dad! I can’t!”
PARENT: “I know it’s really hard to be in this new class without your
friends at school. It’s so bad that you don’t want to go at
all. Honey, it’s totally normal to feel this way. This is a big
change.”
CHILD: “I don’t, Dad.”
PARENT: (gives a hug) “I really appreciate you telling me how you
feel about what’s really going. When you’re ready, I’m
here to help think of ways to deal with the situation. I’ll
check in again a bit later too.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “If I pay a lot of attention to this kind of comment, won’t he
say it more?” Some parents worry that comments like these can
lead us to a bit of a bottomless pit and that offering sympathy will
only create more drama. What we’ve found is that kids who talk in
more sensational terms often feel things very deeply and don’t have
a better way to ask for what they need (remember the concept of
super-feelers in Chapter 9?). Unfortunately, ignoring it often leads to
more dramatic language and escalation. Listening to his perspective
and then helping to translate it into emotion words is the way to
decrease the “drama.” This is one where building a bridge is so
important: It may take really having to imagine what it’s like to be that
age, in his body, in this world. We also don’t encourage focusing on
the words exclusively (e.g. “I hate my life!”) because we want to
focus on the feelings behind the words (e.g., sadness, shame,
frustration, hopelessness) and other ways of expressing distress. So
it’s about the kind of attention you pay to the child. The middle
ground is honoring the thoughts and feelings while redirecting the
conversation to more helpful and realistic ways of communicating,
and/or making practical changes if needed.

2. “Isn’t this just being oversensitive?” It can be annoying to see

your child upset about something that seems like a normal part of
childhood for so many kids. Especially if we’ve had a hard day (or
much bigger problems over the course of our own lives). It may be
true that a child who has witnessed more of the human condition will
be less likely to say he hates his life, but maybe not, since it’s usually
less about hating his actual life and more about being very upset
with his current situation. Even when children do truly hate their own
life, it is less a comparison or comment on anyone else’s experience
and more a reflection of how upset they are in general with
themselves or their own particular situation. Thankfully, the biggest
problem is not that life throws us curveballs, it’s that sometimes the
stress or distress that come alongside feels too much to bear alone.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 17
POW! (Dealing with Aggression)

As we’ve discussed so far, not only is it possible to slow things down

and put your child’s experience into words before intervening, doing
so can prevent emotions from escalating to the point of total
meltdown. But there are exceptions. What if it all happened too
quickly to attend to the first signs of their distress or you turn the
corner and they are hurting themselves or others? In instances of
aggression in particular, getting practical may have to come first to
ensure everyone’s safety. Sometimes the line is obvious (serious
physical fighting) and sometimes it’s not (throwing a pillow around
the room). Parents have to make their own decision about what’s
considered serious enough to require immediate action. It can also
depend on your child’s needs. In some families, throwing a pillow is
not okay, but for another family, this may be acceptable because it’s
a step in the right direction from throwing breakable objects and
unlikely to cause serious harm. So how can you still help your child
with difficult emotions even in the case of aggressive behavior? Let’s
go through a scenario to illustrate.
Imagine your 7-year-old grandchild is hitting her 4-year-old brother
after he takes her favorite toy.

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:
“Stop hitting him right now!”

“Get away from your brother!”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might forcefully grab the

child who is being aggressive, physically remove her from the
interaction or space, and punish her.

Imagine for a moment that your child does their version of

sibling aggression.

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

The sequence is different in this situation so that you can deal

practically with the situation first. We recommend thinking about it in
this order:

Step 1. Getting practical

Step 2. Building a bridge, with emotional translations as needed
Step 3. Putting it into words
Step 4: Getting practical (again)

Step 1. Getting Practical

A child who is using aggression is operating from their more
reflexive, automatic “reptile brain.” The front part of the brain that
helps control impulses and behavior isn’t strong enough yet to help
her hold back and express herself in a more mature way. This child
needs an adult’s help to rein herself in and organize her emotional
experience. It is an important aspect of connection for caregivers to
realize when their child needs help and to provide it.
Practical support: In the preceding scenario, the grandfather can
step in here and help the child by doing any of a number of things,
such as telling the child to stop, physically separating the children, or
redirecting her to another activity. The words he uses to set the limit
can also be helpful. Simple words and short sentences are best. For
example:

“Sophie, stop hitting Arjan.”

Or

“Don’t hit. Hitting hurts.”

If the child doesn’t respond well to words like stop or don’t, You can
use alternatives such as:

“Come here, you can hit this pillow.”

Taking charge in this situation also supports the child by preventing

her from doing more damage that she’ll later regret or that might add
to a negative image of herself.

Step 2. Building a Bridge

Imagine you’re walking in the park and you stop to write an important
message on your phone. As you’re typing away, someone comes
and grabs the phone out of your hand and starts to run away. You
want to yell for it back but you’re totally overwhelmed and have
completely lost your voice! How do you get the thief’s attention, call
for help, and get your phone back? It probably feels like way too
much all at once!
As long as kids have seen the adults around them use
nonaggressive strategies, they will use other strategies besides
aggression when they can (using their voice, asking an adult for
help). But there are many times when the brain short-circuits and
children lose their ability to put thoughts into words, especially in
younger kids and those with developmental differences (e.g.
language delays). Most often this occurs when they feel threatened
or overwhelmed with distress. You can think of it as the “fight mode”
in the “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction to stress model.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m so mad at him for taking my toy and I want him to
hurt!”
Possibility B: “I want it back right now!”
Possibility C: “I love my toy, and I’m so upset not to have it I can’t
stand it!”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 3. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “You were so mad at your brother for taking your toy!”
Option 2. “I get why you’d be mad because he wouldn’t give it back
and nothing you said was working.”
Option 3. “You wanted your toy back so badly and you wanted to
make him give it to you!”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you’d want to show your brother how mad you are
because _________, and because _________, and because
__________.

Step 4. Getting Practical (Again)

Once the dust settles, you can continue with practical strategies that
go beyond addressing immediate safety issues.

Emotional support: You’ll notice that even though the child is

behaving in a negative manner, the grandparent isn’t suggesting a
punishment or criticizing the child. It can be tempting to say
something like “What’s wrong with you?” or “Stop being so mean to
him.” The absence of criticism is a step toward emotional support.
Over the generations, we’ve learned that using the old strategy of
shaming children when they act out aggressively just doesn’t work,
and instead can have the opposite effect: When kids believe they are
bad, they take on that persona much more readily. If they understand
that they are good, but can lose control when they feel bad, they will
be much more likely to accept your help to learn strategies to remain
in control when big feelings come. You can also use the same
strategy of “externalizing the problem” that we mentioned in Chapter
16: “I Hate My Life!”

Practical support: It may be necessary to ensure a cool-down

period for everyone before going any further. Instead of time-outs,
which used to be widely recommended, we now recommend “time-
ins,” where you spend some time with the child, helping her settle.
This could mean playing a game together or doing some other quiet
activity. Parents often worry that this is a “reward” for negative
behavior. We see the time with a parent as a way to refill the child’s
emotional cup and get back on track. Once settled, making amends
in some way helps everyone to feel better and provides an
opportunity for a valuable lesson to be learned. Simply saying “I’m
sorry,” especially if an adult is insisting on it, doesn’t usually teach
the child as much as being asked to think about the other person’s
perspective and what he would need to feel better. It’s very hard for
children to consider someone else’s perspective when they’re angry,
and that’s one of the reasons it’s so helpful for you to attend to the
feelings of the child who did the hitting before asking him to think
about the child he hit. Some practical ideas for making amends
include: making a genuine apology, talking out the original problem,
working on a compromise, or offering the injured party something
they find meaningful.

Sample Script: POW!

Grandma is making dinner in the kitchen. Nine-year-old Kate loses a
game of cards with her sister Emily, who then teases her for being
the “loser.”
Kate picks up a glass and threatens to throw it across the table at
her sister. She has broken things before in a rage.

GRANDMA: (in a clear and strong voice) “Kate put that glass down
now. [getting practical] You have every right to be angry
with Emily because she’s teasing you. I see that.”
[putting it into words] (comes a bit closer to Kate)
CHILD: (angrily puts down the glass on the table) “She’s such
an idiot!”
GRANDMA: “I’d be angry too, Kate, because it really hurts when
Emily teases you and you don’t want her to get away
with it. You want her to pay for her teasing.” [putting it
into words]
CHILD: Nods. “Isn’t she going to get in trouble?”
GRANDMA: “I can understand why you’d be upset. We don’t call
each other names in this family, and we don’t throw
things at each other. We need to find a better way. Let’s
take a few minutes to settle down, and we can talk
about it after dinner. Right now, I’d like both of you to
help set the table, and we can listen to some music.”
[getting practical]
Another option to “put it in words” includes validating the child’s
frustration in a way that redirects their anger toward you – the
caregiver – instead. It can be helpful to get children off their current
brain track, especially if you aren’t currently the “bad guy” in their
eyes. This is not so that you can end up being the punching bag but
so that you can hold the punching bag so to speak (that is if you are
calm enough yourself). If we look at the example above, Grandma
could instead say, “Kate put that glass down. I get why you’d be so
angry – especially because I wasn’t around to stop her from teasing
you.” This type of validation highlights what the caregiver did or
didn’t do, rather than focusing on the person (sister) who is the most
activating. This can be really effective in the heat of the moment to
neutralize the situation.

Common Pitfalls
1. “He’s just being a brat.” When kids act out, we tend to assume
they have more control over their behavior and therefore are being
willful or purposefully defiant or threatening. There’s no doubt that
humans are wired for aggression and that sometimes the child’s true
intent is to harm or hurt another person. Even in these situations, it
isn’t just a characteristic of the child but a misguided response to
something. All mammals have the fight or flight response, and many
will try to fight when they feel threatened (humans included). It can
be hard for parents to recognize the threat because it often isn’t a
physical threat but an emotional one. Usually, with kids, it’s a threat
to their self-esteem (like a perceived insult), their belongings or a
threat to their perceived safety (like making them do something
they’re afraid of) that can trigger an aggressive response.

2. “She can’t take anything in when she’s like that.” Some kids
can’t deal with many words at all when they’re angry and out of
control. It’s another reason why “putting it into words” may need to
come later. That being said, it is possible that they are taking in the
message even when they seem not to be listening, and so it’s a
worthwhile practice just in case. To increase the effectiveness of
your efforts, when you are using words, try to say them with some
energy. Brain science shows that when you can validate your child’s
really big feelings (“No wonder you’re frustrated!”) with some energy,
even facial expressions and hand gestures, it can help the child calm
down even more quickly. It shows them that you understand their
distress in a totally different way. The trick is to make sure that your
mirroring of their energy is coming from a place of genuinely showing
that you get it, and that you’re not teetering into anger yourself.

3. “When she gets angry, I just lose it.” The honest challenge for
most of us is that our kids’ aggression can be triggering. Their
aggression can set off our own alarm bells so intensely that we enter
into fight, flight or freeze ourselves. Half the battle is recognizing that
we’ve been triggered and taking a moment to settle as soon as
possible. A parent who freezes and tries to act unnaturally calm or
who gets really angry in response to their child getting angry can’t
help the angry child. If you’ve had a history of traumatic events in
your life and your child’s aggression triggers those feelings or you
notice yourself routinely freezing or fighting back, it can be really
helpful to seek out support from a therapist who can help you to
disentangle your past from the present (check out Chapter 22: New
Directions for ideas that may fit for you).

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with this situation like this more confidently in
the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 18
“Don’t Make Me Go to Mom’s/Dad’s!”

Ouf. This can be a tricky one. Split families and shared custody can
bring all kinds of unique challenges. This scenario is meant for
situations where both parents share parenting time and there are no
concerns around child protection or safety in either home. We
included this scenario because we see it often in our practices, and it
causes everyone a lot of distress. It’s not uncommon for kids who
have a good relationship with both parents to express reluctance to
spend time with one or the other, and for a number of reasons we
will discuss. Regardless of the issue, it is vital for co-parents to
respond to their child’s feelings while also supporting their life with
the other parent. To do so, we must resist the temptation to take on
or even relish in the role of “favorite,” even if you see your co-parent
as less competent or committed or you don’t agree with how they are
managing their time with your child.

Scenario: “Don’t Make Me Go to Dad’s!”

In this scenario, let’s imagine that your child is meant to spend the
long weekend with her dad, your co-parent. He recently introduced
his new partner and they are headed out of town for her family
reunion. Your child is already feeling a little uncomfortable about the
“girlfriend” situation, let alone going to a reunion with a bunch of
people she’s never met.
The Knee-Jerk Response
Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Let’s see what I can sort out to switch weekends.”

“You’ll be fine. I am sure they’ll be other kids your age.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“That’s so soon! Why is your dad doing that to you?!”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“Don’t make me go to Dad’s!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

From the child’s perspective, both parents are important, although
they may not always feel comfortable expressing that out of loyalty.
They may sense conflict between the parents and feel the need to
side with one parent or the other. Children usually want to please
whoever is right in front of them, and will often hide their own needs
to make sure they aren’t upsetting their parent. Other children have a
hard time with transitioning back and forth between homes. Think of
yourself travelling; it’s tough to bring clothes and books back and
forth, to sleep in a different bed, to possibly be further from friends or
school. Sometimes it’s as simple as not wanting to do what’s on the
agenda for the upcoming week or weekend. A child with only one
home may not like the family plans, but doesn’t have a choice; the
child with two homes may feel like it’s not fair to be forced to do
something when, in her mind, she could just go to her other parent’s
home instead.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m nervous about being in a crowd of people I don’t
know, and I’m worried Dad won’t notice because he’ll be paying
attention to his girlfriend.”
Possibility B: “Transitions are hard no matter what’s going on. And
most of my stuff is here so that’s hard too.”
Possibility C: “I’m still heartbroken about your separation, and this
weekend will make it feel too real. And what if I like these new
people? I don’t want to betray you.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “I can imagine you might feel a little uneasy about being in
a crowd of strangers who all know each other. You might be worried
that Dad won’t have time to hang out with you.”
Option 2. “Transitioning between homes is hard for so many kids,
especially since then your stuff is split between two homes too.”
Option 3. “Sounds like an out-of-town family reunion wasn’t on the
list of things you wish you were doing this weekend. In your shoes, I
might also be feeling pretty sad, maybe even mad, that Dad and I
are moving on with our lives with different people.”
In your own words:

I can imagine why you wouldn’t want to go to your dad’s this

weekend because _________, and because _________, and
because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: Although it may seem counterintuitive, most
often, the child needs you to reassure them that their feelings are
valid and that you can imagine a scenario where they might actually
have some fun with their parent, their new partner, and their family. It
might also be helpful to show your child that you are supportive of
the cultivation of new relationships. This can be especially relevant if
you don’t currently have a new partner as your child may worry
about you being lonely or jealous. Children who’ve experienced
parental separation can worry that their relationship with each parent
may also be fragile or end unexpectedly. They may need extra
reminders, with words and actions, that the parent–child relationship
is a different situation and that your bond is too strong to break, no
matter how many days or weeks you may be apart at a time.

Practical support: In this scenario, there are several possibilities

when it comes to practical needs. One possibility could be to suggest
an activity to do together to distract from the anticipatory anxiety, in
other words, to help the time go by. If the child’s level of unease is
more intense, you might work with them to brainstorm strategies to
deal with potentially awkward situations. This may include practicing
a couple of things to say in the future and encouraging a
conversation between the child and your co-parent ahead of time.
You might also offer to give your co-parent and his partner a heads
up so that they can be “in the know” about your child’s feelings and
be a part of the solution if the need arises. If you do connect with
your co-parent ahead of time, know that they are likely feeling a little
anxious too, and so it can wise, kind, and helpful to approach the
conversation clearly but also delicately.

Sample Script: “Don’t Make Me Go to Mom’s!”

CHILD: “Ugh! No! Mom just moved into an apartment in Spring
Meadows! With Jamie! Please don’t make me go there
this weekend!”
PARENT: “Whoa – that’s news to me too. Sounds like you’re pretty
upset about it.”
CHILD: “No duh. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t want to live in an
apartment with them – and especially not across town. I
don’t want to have to spend the weekend unpacking! All of
my friends are going to the mall!”
PARENT: “Okay – makes sense to me. I could imagine why you’d
be upset. Sounds like it’s a big change, the timing is tricky,
and you’re not sure yet how you feel about Jamie.”
CHILD: “Not sure? No – I’m sure. One hundred percent sure. I
hate it.”
PARENT: “I don’t blame you sweetie. Children want their family
together. It’s the most normal thing in the world. I can
imagine that this move makes it all feel very real. If I were
you I’d feel sad, mad, scared – all of the feelings.”
CHILD: “It’s just going to be so complicated. Jamie isn’t like you.
And Mom gets all weird and lovey when she’s around. It’s
gross.”
PARENT: “Yup. I can see how it might be awkward for you to see
Mom with someone else. There are going to be a lot of
firsts for a while, for all of us. I’m glad that you’re talking
about it. You know what I think? I think that every person
who comes into our family has the potential to make it
richer, even if there are some pretty big bumps in the
beginning. And even though it’s complicated, I am glad
your mom has found someone who makes her happy. I’ve
 heard Jamie is a pretty cool person. Give her a chance.
You might be surprised.”
CHILD: “What? Who are you?! You mean – you want me to like
her?”
PARENT: “It makes sense that you’d be surprised to hear that. I bet
it’s not always felt that way. You know what – I do. Your
family is still evolving, and we don’t know yet how it will all
unfold. One thing I do know, however, is that your mom
loves you deeply, and if she thinks it’s time, we’ve got to
trust her decision. Now, it doesn’t mean that we can’t try
to figure out some of the practical details that are
overwhelming. What’s top on your list?”
CHILD: “Everything! This feels like too much!”
PARENT: “Okay let’s break it down. What’s the most stressful? Wait
– let me put myself in your shoes for a second. Is it that
you’ll live further away from your school? Or you’re
worried about having enough privacy or maybe enough
alone time with mom? Or the questions from your
friends?”
PARENT: “Neither! All of my friends live here!”
CHILD: “In that case, I have an idea. When you come home next
week, let’s ask one of your friends if they want to come
with us, and we’ll practice riding the bus from Spring
Meadows to here.”

*Reminder: The proposed framework is not a magic formula. It can

also feel really awkward because it goes against so much of what we
were taught about how to respond to children’s thoughts and
feelings. We do urge you to try it out a few times following the steps
as closely as possible as practice really does make a difference over
time.

Common Pitfalls
1. “I secretly don’t want my child to like my ex’s new partner.”
There’s no doubt that one of the most vulnerable moments post-
separation is when you hear about or meet the “new partner.” If you
are like me, I wanted to know everything and anything about them,
and nothing at all – at the same time! Talk about bringing up all kinds
of old insecurities to the surface. It can also be a really vulnerable
thing to have to share your child with other adult caregivers,
especially when you don’t have choice in the matter. And while these
thoughts and feelings may signal that it’s time for some extra support
from family, friends, or maybe even your therapist, it’s also a normal
process that takes time to sort out. The key is to be patient with
yourself and to find small ways to communicate to your child that you
support their relationships with other adult caregivers, until you feel
more comfortable with the new reality.

2. “I don’t want to support my ex’s choices – I don’t agree with

her decisions.” Kids are pretty savvy and will develop their own
feelings and opinions about their parents’ behavior, especially when
things get hard. Usually their conclusions will reflect the upset
feelings they feel, in combination with the love that will always be
there for both their parents. If you’re criticizing your ex to your child
with the hope that she will see it your way, it can actually backfire. If
children don’t get sucked into a loyalty trap, they are more likely to
feel the need to defend the parent being criticized and feel bad about
the interaction with you. The main thing is that kids feel stressed and
caught in the middle if the disagreement involves them, even in small
ways. So if providing outright support for your ex’s plans is way too
much, then maybe you can talk to them directly about the concerns,
and out of earshot. If your child is the one expressing concerns
about the visit and he is old enough, you can also encourage your
child to share his concerns with the other parent. This way, you are
supporting your child to develop healthy communication strategies. If
you suspect it will be difficult for your child’s voice to be heard and
your relationship with your co-parent is too conflictual, a therapist
can help your family to develop healthier ways of sorting through
these types of difficulties.
3. “Too late. I already fell into the trap. What do I do now?” You
and thousands of others! Divorce is a relatively new phenomenon in
our society and goodness knows, just like there’s no handbook for
parenting, there’s certainly no handbook for navigating the intricacies
of family reconstruction. The good news is that it’s never too late.
You can start off as simply as “Kiddo, I realized that I made a
mistake when I criticized your mom” and take it from there. Kids so
appreciate it when we show up as normal, flawed human beings,
and however the conversation goes, you now have a framework to
respond to their feelings. For more on this style of responding, check
out the next chapter: The “Do-Over”.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 19
The “Do-Over”

Maybe you’ve had a conversation with your child about school or

homework and you realize you missed an opportunity to connect
with them using this new style of communication. Or maybe, it’s a
scenario where things really fell apart and you’re both fed up and
exhausted. You know, the situation where you’re left feeling awful,
maybe even with a shame-hangover for things you said or did? For
me, it’s like a sinking pit. In the moment, it can feel bad or like there’s
been irreparable damage or that you’re doomed to repeat the cycle
forevermore. Although things eventually calm down and smooth
over, it can still feel awkward and unfinished, and the regret for not
having handled things more calmly and productively can linger.
Whether a minor slip or a major miss, one of the most liberating
things we’ve learned is that it’s always possible to have a “do-over”
in parenting. That is an opportunity to replay the scene – with much
less of a charge – and with more conscious participation. Not only
that, the do-over can actually strengthen the adult–child relationship
even more than managing every situation smoothly the first time
around. Not that we want to screw up on purpose, but the process of
missing the mark with your child’s emotions and then going back to
repair the rupture really does build resilience and trust. Thank
goodness! You see, it’s really true that we are not striving for
perfection here. In other words, it’s not what happens, it’s what
happens next!
Scenario: The “Do-Over”
Your 10-year-old is yelling at his 7-year-old brother – again. You’ve
been alone with both kids all weekend and have had to separate
them multiple times for fighting. This time, it’s over a video game
controller. You’ve had enough. Your interaction with Kyle goes
something like this:

PARENT: “Kyle, I’ve had enough of you! You’re 10 years old! You
know better, and you’re acting like a jerk. Get up to your
room!”
CHILD: “You can’t make me!”
PARENT: “That’s it! Get up to your room or you’re not going to that
birthday party!”
CHILD: “I hate you.” (sulks away)
PARENT: “I really don’t care right now!”

Step 1. Rebuilding the Bridge

The child in this scenario is upset twice over. The first time, he was
upset by something to do with his brother and the game controller,
but the second time was with the interaction with his parent. We
would argue that it’s the second upset that needs to be dealt with
first. The 10-year-old here will feel hurt that his mom sees him in a
negative light and is saying she’s had enough of him and that she
doesn’t care that he hates her. He may understand that’s it just
something said in anger and frustration in the moment, but it’s also
possible he may not. As we’ve mentioned, kids just don’t have the
same ability for complex thought required to appreciate the bigger
picture. That’s why sometimes they can come to believe that their
parent sees them as “bad” or worse, doesn’t love them. Nothing else
is likely to go in until the hurt with the parent is addressed. Why?
Because the parent is the guide, and when you’ve had a falling out
with your guide, you care less about the path toward “Calm Child
Who Behaves Maturely”. It’s also because your child is most wired to
you, and at that age, when things fall apart between you, it can be
the most destabilizing.
To that last point, no matter how defiant, angry, and uncaring kids
act, they care deeply about how we see them. This may be hard to
believe when they send multiple messages to the contrary or when
they come at us toe-to-toe. Kids may act big and tough, but
compared with us they are small and vulnerable in that, at the most
basic level, they depend on us for their survival.
Even though we can’t fully take back what we say, it can be so
powerful to go back and address what happened. For so many
reasons! First, when you go back and work through the feelings
related to a challenging interaction – even if years later, the memory
of the interaction gets moved from the brain’s long-term storage “I’ll
never forget what my parent once said to me” cabinet to the one that
stores the more mundane memories categorized in the “things that
happened in the past” cabinet. In scientific terms, memories are
made up of different parts. The emotional tags of memories are
found in cells of the limbic system and in particular, the amygdala.
Research has shown that these emotional memory “tags” can be
modified after the fact in that when they are targeted and processed,
that particularly memory loses its super-charge. In fact, if you’re
lucky, the do-over can upgrade the memory of the event to the highly
coveted “times when my parents modeled the value of taking
responsibility when mistakes are made” cabinet or better yet, the
“even more proof my parents really care about me and our
relationship” cabinet.

Step 2. Putting It into Words

After the 10-year-old sulks up to his room and the 7-year-old is
content playing video games, the parent finally has a few minutes to
herself to catch her breath. She realizes she spoke harshly to her
son and wants to make it right. She thinks about ways to start the
“do-over.” She decides to give herself a few more minutes to breathe
her way back to earth and then goes up to her son’s bedroom to
apologize and give examples of what could have been said or done
instead:

Option 1. “Hey, bud. I’m really sorry for how I talked to you before. It
really wasn’t fair. No kidding you were mad at me, and probably even
more so after I said I didn’t care that you hated me in that moment. I
could imagine that part really stung because I’m your mom and I’m
supposed to see the good in you, even when things get out of hand.
What I should have done was help you to calm down and solve the
problem.”

Option 2. “Kyle, you have every right to be upset. I’m sorry I said I’d
had enough of you. It wasn’t okay for me to say that. I should have
stayed calmer or found another to say that I was frustrated. What I
should have said was ‘Kyle, I’m really struggling to keep my cool
right now. I want to help you but I’m going to need a minute. Turn off
the console, and we’ll all sit down to figure this out in a little while.’”

Option 3. Slips a note under Kyle’s door that says:

Dear Kyle, I am really sorry for what I said. I imagine that

really hurt. I got really upset, and I should have found
another way to handle the situation. What I should have
done was listen to your frustration and offered you some
support to figure out the problem. I care a lot about your
feelings and our relationship. I will do my best to remember
the steps from that parenting book the next time. ☺

In your own words:

I’m sorry for what I said because _________, and because

_________, and because __________. What I should have
said/done was _________.
 3. Getting Practical
Emotional support: Reconnection is primary here. When we say
something insulting or hurtful to someone we love, it temporarily
shakes their trust in us as someone who is emotionally safe.
Acknowledging the hurt followed by a clear description of what else
could have been said or done helps to rebuild trust – and quickly. It
also helps to keep children from blaming themselves or others
(depending on how they are wired) or thinking they “deserve” to be
put down. The other important needs here are to feel loved, valued,
and respected by one’s primary caregivers. When a parent or
caregiver can apologize and try again or offer an alternative, it sends
the message to the child that “you are important to me.” A hug or
some other show of love and softness will help ease the situation
once the child is ready.

Practical support: Once the storm blows over and you and your
child are back to baseline or close to it, you can talk about the next
time. For example, I have asked my kids to let me know when I’m
falling off the tracks. Although it’s not their responsibility to regulate
us, when you can agree beforehand on a sentence or a code word, it
can help prevent a blastoff. It also gives your child a feeling of
control in a moment when it feels like the relationship is in a tough
spot. In the meantime, it’s also our job to work toward a change to
reduce the likelihood of a recurrence.
Okay – those are some points to ponder for the first part of the
“do-over.” The first incident is still unresolved in this scenario, and so
now it’s time to address the initial issue of the fight over the
controller.
The parent here can now put into words her understanding of her
child’s initial distress with something like “And no wonder you were
upset with your brother because …”:

Option 1: “You’ve been trying to play your game all afternoon, and
he keeps wanting you to play with him.”
Option 2: “I could imagine it’s getting on your nerves because I bet
you’d rather play alone.”
Option 3: “It might feel like he’s doing it on purpose, and you want
your turn with the good controller.”

Getting Practical
Emotional support: As in the aftermath of all child misbehavior, one
of the primary needs for the child is your continued love and
acceptance – similar to Chapter 11: “I’m so Bad/Stupid …” Then,
engaging your child in a conversation in what happened for him can
help him to clarify the layers of his experience, therefore helping him
get closer to finding words to handle the situation next time rather
than fighting. Depending on your child’s age and personality, you
might also give them some space to let them cool down. Doing so
can also convey that it’s okay for them to be upset with you. Do
remember, however, that “giving space” looks different for different
kids and a plan for reconnection is always important to
communicate.

Practical support: Now it’s possible to go back and problem-solve

around the sibling fight and find a compromise or solution.
Depending on the severity of the conflict, it may also be necessary to
separate the brothers, or to increase supervision for a while, or to
structure some other kind of family activity where fighting is less
likely. It is equally important to look at what you need as a parent to
get through the rest of the day. Finally, when kids repeatedly act out,
it can be also be a sign that their parent needs more support, and so
it can be really helpful to focus on yourself to see what kind of help
you might benefit from in order to get through this tough phase.
The beauty of the “do-over” lies in the fact that when you go back
and put into words the child’s initial hurt and then offer support, it can
still have the same effect as if you’d done it in the moment. It may
even be more effective because the child is a lot calmer than he was
before. In fact, we’ve witnessed ourselves (and heard from other
parents too) that when this happens, children are more likely to then
try to right their own wrong – either with you or their sibling in this
example – and often without prompting. It can lead to a pretty cool
domino effect.

*Reminder: Your ace in the hole is sincerity. Thanks to their mirror

neurons, your child’s brain will register that your efforts are genuine,
leading to a release of calming neurochemicals regardless of how
well you follow the exact structure provided.

Sample Script: The “Do-Over”

PARENT: “Kyle, I’ve had enough of you! You’re 10 years old! You
know better, and you’re acting like a jerk. Get up to your
room!”
CHILD: “You can’t make me!”
PARENT: “That’s it! Get up to your room, or you’re not going to that
birthday party! You’re driving me crazy!”
CHILD: “I hate you.” (sulking away)
PARENT: “I really don’t care right now!”
PARENT: (an hour later) “Hey bud. I’m really sorry for how I talked
to you before. I don’t blame you for saying that you hate
me, because what I said really wasn’t nice. And it wasn’t
fair to say that I didn’t care. That must have made it feel
even worse. I should have found a way to calm down
before reacting.”
CHILD: “Mom – you called me a jerk.”
PARENT: “Yeah and I really shouldn’t have said that. You’re not a
jerk; you’re a frustrated kid who’s had to deal with too
many arguments with his brother. Sometimes moms and
dads get angry and say or do something hurtful too. We
all need to learn to treat each other well even when we’re
super frustrated. Next time I lose my cool, you have my
 permission to say: Mom – you’re not acting like an adult!
How about that?”
CHILD: (smiles) “Sure, but now you should get grounded from
your phone!”
PARENT: “Good one. Okay – now back to what got this going in the
first place. When I saw how upset you were, what I could
have said was: No kidding you’re mad! It’s hard to deal
with little brothers, and sometimes it feels like you can’t do
anything else to make it stop.”
CHILD: “Exactly! It’s like you always take his side.”
PARENT: “I get it. Sometimes I see you as the big guy and him as
the little guy, and I forget you’re both still kids. I get how
much that must hurt, because you’re my little guy too. I do
know he has a part to play in the fights. It sounds like we
may also need to sit down and figure out a system for
those controllers. Let’s give it a bit more time and go to
the pool together before dinner to change things up.”
CHILD: “Okay.”
PARENT: “Good. But first, I have to find your brother because he
probably has hurt feelings too. You might also want to say
something to him. What do you think?”
CHILD: “Yeah, I will. I’ll apologize in the car on the way to the
pool.”
PARENT: “Good idea.” (leans in for a hug)

Common Pitfalls
1. “I shouldn’t have to apologize to my child.” It’s not the first
time we suggest an apology. An apology can be a meaningful
component of the “do-over.” However, if you were raised by a parent
who didn’t apologize or admit to mistakes (it was a cultural thing for a
looong time), then this whole idea may feel foreign. It can feel like it’s
messing with the right hierarchy where the parent is in charge. Some
people think apologies show weakness, but in relationships, they
usually show strength. An apology from parent to child doesn’t mean
parents are blaming themselves or focusing on their own “mistake” –
it’s actually a deep validation or acknowledgment of the fact that the
conversation or interaction didn’t go well. It shows the parent has
self-awareness. It’s because the parent is in charge that she is also
most responsible for the emotional climate between parent and child
and can model taking responsibility for losing their temper. Kids will
learn that they, too, can have “do-overs” in relationships when their
parents show them how to admit mistakes or address conflict
constructively. If an apology still feels too vulnerable, then you can
circle back to address the missed opportunity for validation using this
sentence starter: “Remember when X happened, and I said Y? What
I should have said was Z.”

2. “What if she doesn’t forgive me?” Many kids will act like a turtle
when hurt and retreat into their shells. They may need time to be
open to your attempts to repair the rupture. Rest assured, however,
that even when the child is silent, they can still hear and take in your
words. If you can wait through this (and not interpret it as defiance or
rejection), it will pay off. Children desperately want to make up after
arguments with their parents. They need you, depend on you, want
to please, and the pit they feel inside after a meltdown may be even
bigger than the one you feel. They may deny this to save face and
not let you see they’re hurt, but it’s likely there. Few kids won’t soften
after a parent makes a genuine attempt at a “do-over.” Even those
kids who stay quiet or shut you out will eventually come around in
time. If the silence persists, you can go back to Chapter 10: “I’m Not
Talking to You …” for inspiration.

3. “My partner in caregiving always blows up then apologizes. I

don’t think that’s good enough.” This is an important point.
Apologizing and showing we understand our child’s hurt isn’t enough
if we keep repeating the same hurtful behaviors. We all get “do-
overs.” However, if we find ourselves needing them multiple times a
week, it is likely a sign that there’s too much stress on the family
system and more support is needed. It may be that co-parenting
tensions are feeding into the problem or it’s a matter of everyone
being exhausted with the stressors of life. It may even be one’s own
mental health issues creeping in. Whatever the case, caregivers
needs to find a different answer if the same thing keeps happening.
A partner in caregiving may get very defensive if you try to point this
out, and so we strongly encourage the use of this framework to get
the message across in a way that is loving and productive (for more
on this topic, check out Chapter 20: “You’re too Soft! and You’re too
Hard!”). You may even choose to enlist the support of a therapist to
get help to bring up your concerns about your partner’s struggles
since your own unresolved feelings might also be tangled in the web
of the family’s pain (see Chapter 22: New Directions for more
information regarding possible avenues for support).

A situation from the past where I could practice a “do-over”:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to initiate a “do-over”?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to make it more likely that I will try a “do-over”?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 20
“You’re too Soft!” and “You’re too
Hard!”

This chapter is a little different. Instead of focusing on statements

commonly made by kids, this one tackles exchanges that are all too
common between parents or between any two caregivers for the
same child (for example, mom and grandma, parent and stepparent,
or between exes). In every co-parenting relationship, both parties
come with their own set of values, beliefs, and tendencies. Our
unique parenting style is most influenced by the way we were raised
– either we adopted a learned pattern of behavior, or we developed a
style in reaction to what we experienced or a little of both. We’ve
also seen over the years that when it comes to parenting, the adage
“opposites attract” is perhaps more common than “birds of a feather
flock together.” This means that you may often find yourself at
loggerheads with your partner in caregiving at exactly the time when
you most want their support.
It’s also very rare that co-parents always agree on discipline and
childrearing. When kids are struggling, it’s even less common. More
often than not, they get polarized into two camps: “too soft” and “too
hard.” For example, when one parent is softer in their approach to
parenting and the other is tougher, there is a risk that both parents
end up polarizing in their tendencies. For example, if I am softer, and
I see you as too tough, I will become softer still, to compensate for
your toughness. When you see me get even softer, that has the
potential to make you even tougher, again to compensate for my
softness. This cycle can go on and on to the point where the kids are
being cared for in the “extremes” and the conflict between you is so
high, you can hardly address each other, let alone identify the
problem that got it going in the first place. Sometimes, just knowing
about this phenomenon is enough for both parents to come a little
ways towards the middle. Other times, it can be useful to be more
active in interrupting the cycle using the framework we’ve been
working with throughout the book.
But first – warning! It’s definitely more challenging to use this way
of relating to your partner in caregiving. That said, it can be just as
effective. The same principles apply with respect to the power of
validation and support on the brain no matter with whom you’re
talking. Remember: When the external environment (you) can speak
the internal experience of the other (your partner), their brain’s alarm
bells will reduce in intensity – whether the alarm is ringing because
of your child’s meltdown or the start or a disagreement with you. In
other words, your partner will be calmer, more flexible, and more
reasonable, and you might feel like you are on the same page
(despite perhaps being on different lines of that page).

Scenario A: “You’re too Soft!”

In this scenario, let’s assume it’s your child’s bedtime, and she’s had
a hard day at school. She is begging you to stay up just a little later.
You agree to 15 more minutes. Later on, when your child is in bed,
she yells down to you for a glass of water. You get up from the couch
and hear your co-parent mutter under her breath: “You are too soft!”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, partners in caregiving will respond with something
like:

“Please don’t. Your criticism isn’t helpful.”

“I’m exhausted, and I just want bedtime to be over.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Yeah, well, you’re too tough. It would be nice for all of us if you were
a little softer once in a while.”

Imagine for a moment that your partner in caregiving says to

you her version of: “You’re too soft!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

If your co-parent complains about you “being too soft,” it is likely that
they really value qualities such as independence and resilience. In
fact, it may be one of the reasons why you were attracted to this
person in the first place! Across many cultures around the world
these values are held in high regard. Why? Well, some argue that
after World War II, a military mentality seeped into the realm of
parenting. As such, it is not unusual for our parents (and theirs) to
have instilled in us the need to be mentally and physically tough.
Another reason some parents want to ensure their child is
independent as soon as possible is out of fear and love. Fear that as
young adults, they won’t make it on their own or that they will be
more vulnerable when faced with challenges. Some parents are also
keenly aware that they won’t be around forever and so – from a
place of love – they do their best to prepare their child with as many
practical skills to ensure their child is successful and that they are
well equipped to navigate life’s ups and downs with relative ease.
We’ve observed that when a child is affected by a physical,
cognitive, or emotional challenge, this drive can become even
stronger.
There’s another possibility we’d like to propose in the context of
couples. Is it possible that when your partner complains that you’re
too soft with the kids, he may be yearning for some of that softness
or caretaking himself? This may not apply to all readers who can
relate with this scenario but under the surface of the criticism and
complaint can lie a vulnerable longing for a little extra TLC. Similarly,
when your partner sees you getting up again – especially if he knows
you’re tired – he may be concerned for you, especially if he feels like
you’re less emotionally available in the relationship when you are
burnt out. Consider the possibility …

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m worried that if you are always too accommodating,
our child won’t learn to survive without us.”
Possibility B: “I’m worried you’ll burn yourself out if you’re always
catering to so many of the demands our child makes.”
Possibility C: “I miss you. Our time together is always cut short by
the children’s needs, so it hurts when it seems like more precious
time is slipping away.”

Translations for your partner in caregiving:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

*Reminder: First, try to guess the context: Did something just happen
recently? Does your co-parent have a pattern of getting upset in
similar situations? The key is to ask yourself: What is the most
vulnerable explanation for their complaint?
 Step 2. Putting It into Words
Option 1. “I can understand why you’d object – it might seem like
she’s got me wrapped around her little finger and that would be a
problem.”
Option 2. “I can see how you might be worried that now she’ll try to
get more time every night and that bedtime will become even more
of a challenge.”
Option 3. “It must be frustrating when it looks like I’m choosing to do
more for her and sacrificing some of the precious little time we have
together.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you would think I was too soft because
_________, and because _________, and because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: In this scenario, although it may not seem like it
on the surface, the co-parent’s need is usually in the domain of
comfort and reassurance. This can be surprising because the
delivery can feel a little prickly. Since we know that “fighting back”
only sets you up for a duel – and a much less pleasant evening – we
strongly recommend that you look beyond the surface and offer your
partner in caregiving the emotional support for the vulnerable need
that lies beneath the prickles. If it feels genuine, you can say
something like, “I can assure you honey, I want this kid to become
independent as much as you do!” or “Don’t leave that spot, I’ll be
there as soon as I can. I really want to hang out with you tonight.”
Your co-parent also wants to know that you don’t think she is a
meanie. There can be shame in feeling like the “bad guy”; co-parents
want acceptance from each other, a belief in their positive intentions,
and respect for the unique gifts they bring to the family.

Practical support: First, an exhausted parent is inevitably less

flexible and less able to stick to limits. In this case, the practical need
may be sleep or just a break. Second, co-parents are often too tired
to nurture their own relationship. When kids are having a tough time,
it leaves even less time for the adults. Yet we know that kids thrive
when their parents are doing well, and so just from the point of view
of helping kids emotionally, devoting time to the co-parent
relationship is a sound investment. You may even get more “bang for
your buck” focusing more on the relationship between caregiving
partners than the parent–child relationship in some circumstances.
So when factoring in the pros and cons of any parenting decisions,
like a firmer bedtime routine, your own well-being and the health of
the co-parent and/or couple relationship do come into play.

Sample Script A: “You’re too Soft!”

PARENT Getting up to make their 12-year-old son toast: “Do you
1:
want butter or peanut butter?”
PARENT (mumbling under breath) “Really?”
2:

Later, when the children are off to school:

PARENT “You are way too accommodating. He’s old enough to get
2:
his own toast.”
PARENT “Yes he is. I can imagine when you see me cater to him
1:
like this, that you might worry that he’s going to become
spoiled.”
PARENT “He’s already too spoiled.”
2:
PARENT “We do give him way more than what we got as kids that’s
1:
for sure. And it makes sense to me that you’d want him to
grow up to be a responsible, self-sufficient adult.”
PARENT “I do. Don’t you?”
2:
PARENT “I do too. For many reasons, including that we’ll have more
1:
time together when that time comes. And I don’t blame
you for being worried about the kids and their capacity to
be independent. It’s such an important life skill; we won’t
be around forever, so they need to figure it out. I want you
to know that we do want the same thing, and I am
committed to getting there. I’ll tell you what – I’ll recruit
those little gremlins to help me with dinner and clean up.
And it’s time we line up a babysitter for a date night.”

Common Pitfalls
1. “His parents weren’t very patient with him, so he doesn’t
know any better.” It may be true that the person with the “harder”
stance was raised in a more authoritarian home or got less comfort
as a child. It may even be true that he doesn’t have a good sense of
developmental norms. Don’t get us wrong, it’s really great to have
compassion and understanding about the reasons why your partner
in caregiving has adopted certain parenting patterns. However, if you
don’t address your concerns, you are more likely to get stuck in the
pattern of overcompensation. Each parent will bring their own values
to the situation, and it is more helpful to start from a place of
respecting and addressing differences of opinion.

2. “You don’t know my ex/partner. He/she is just difficult.” On

the flip side, it can be very easy to see the worst in a co-parent when
we disagree on issues in parenting (guilty!), especially when we are
doing our very best or when we feel like we are carrying more of the
load. However, as soon as one parent feels his or her opinion is
devalued, it will be hard to stay calm enough to have a productive
conversation or learn more about how you see things or what else
might be helpful in the moment. Just like with kids, validating
someone doesn’t mean agreeing. It’s all about temporarily taking
their perspective to help their brain to calm. People of all ages
respond to validation in this way and because increased calm equals
increased flexibility, they are then more open to perspective taking,
feedback, and creative problem-solving. Parenting is hard, and
feeling supported is half the battle. Sometimes we need to be the
first domino to create the mindset that is necessary to get things
moving in a better direction for all involved.

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my co-parent’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Guidelines for Co-Parents in Times of Stress

Whatever is going on between you, it can be helpful to agree on a set of guidelines to
follow in the heat of the moment. Here are some suggestions:

1. It can be helpful to acknowledge that arguing between co-parents only makes

things worse for the child and harder for each parent to act calmly and
decisively.
 2. It’s generally better for only one parent to manage an upset child at a time.
3. The other parent can jump in when asked for help or if there is danger of
physical or emotional harm.
4. When help is requested, it is useful to be specific. Do you want emotional
support, backup that the co-parent is on the same page, or for the co-parent to
take over?
5. The definition of serious emotional harm may need to be discussed and agreed
upon. Kids and relationships are resilient and most arguments cause no lasting
harm, but it is good to have a plan in place if things start to get out of control.
6. Each parent will learn more quickly when allowed to sort things out with the
child without the other co-parent jumping in.
7. It you feel a need to intervene that can’t wait, you can step away from the
situation briefly to offer your co-parent emotional support or commiseration and
share any concerns that you may have (just remember to avoid criticism as a
strategy to course-correct).
8. Make time to debrief afterward. This makes it easier to save any concerns or
requests until after the child has settled. Then you can plan for next time.

If, for whatever reason, one or both of you get total amnesia about any or all of this
and you erupt in front of the kids (this will be an issue of when, not if!), then we
remind you that the “do-over” can be a powerful practice between co-parents and with
the child/ren. Although we aim to protect kids from our conflicts as much as possible,
it is true that what happens next can be what’s most influential.

Scenario B: “You’re too Hard!”

Okay – flip side of the coin! Say your 6-year-old lies about breaking
your favorite mug. You love that mug, but you value honesty even
more. And this isn’t the first time; he’s lied about not brushing his
teeth, sneaking screen time and having no reading homework. You
think age 6 is plenty old enough to know right from wrong and to
learn the consequences of lying to your parents. Once you find out
the real story behind your shattered mug, you say to him:

Joey, it’s not okay to lie, and you need to be more careful.
I’ve told you this before. I’m taking away your building set for
2 weeks, and you need to do some chores to pay me back
for the mug.
You see your partner eyeing the conversation. Later that night, after
Joey’s in bed, he comes to you and says: “You were way too hard on
Joey today. He’s only 6!”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, partners in caregiving will respond with something
like:

“Yes, but he has to learn his lesson somehow!”

“I don’t think we’re doing him any favors by handling it this way.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Maybe if you didn’t let him walk all over you, he wouldn’t try to pull
the wool over our eyes.”

Imagine for a moment that your partner in caregiving says to

you his or her version of “You’re too hard!”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

*Reminder: If you are feeling stressed, upset, or overwhelmed,

engaging in this mental exercise can be a real challenge. You might
find that taking a break or a couple of deep breaths might make it
easier to brainstorm possible emotional translations.

Step 1. Building a Bridge

Part of our role as parents and caregivers is to ensure that kids grow
up to be competent and productive members of society. Another part
is to protect them for harm and support them to develop a healthy
identity. It’s important to believe that your co-parent truly does want
the best for your child. Even if sometimes they behave in ways you
don’t like (or often behave in ways you don’t like), underneath it is
almost always a desire to teach the child something helpful or
protect what she believes to be the child’s best interests. Just like
the parent whose tough stance is fueled by fear, so is the parent who
tends toward softness. The parent who criticizes you for being “too
hard” is likely afraid that the child will be pushed beyond what he can
cope with at his age. They may be concerned that the child will be
harmed emotionally or that your approach will damage your
relationship with them. Their instinct will be to protect the child and
protect your relationship with the child, even if in ways that don’t feel
so supportive.

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m worried our kid will feel so overwhelmed by the
punishment that he misses the point.”
Possibility B: “I’m worried he will resent you for being too tough or
grow distant from you and that could lead to even more acting out.”
Possibility C: “I’m worried he won’t be able to cope without his
building set for all that time and I’ll end up being the one to deal with
it since I’m home more often.”

Translations for your partner in caregiving:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

*Reminder: The idea here is to connect with their good intentions,

vulnerable feelings, or need for connection driving their current state
of being, even if on the surface it doesn’t seem so.
 Step 2. Putting It into Words
Option 1. “I get why you’d think I’m too hard on him. He’s a little guy,
and you don’t want him to get overwhelmed, shut down, or act out
even more.”
Option 2. “Sounds like you’re worried he’s going to take it personally
and feel worse about himself.”
Option 3. “I see that it bothers you, and that makes sense to me. I
know how much you want Joey and I to have a good relationship,
and you worry that he’ll get distant or shut down.”

In your own words:

I can imagine why you would think I was too hard on him because
_________, and because _________, and because __________.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: The parent who says, “you’re too hard” usually
wants to protect your child from too much distress or low self-worth.
Therefore, the emotional need is conveying to them – genuinely and
convincingly – that you would never want to cause harm to your
child. They also want to know that you are making a rational decision
and not one fueled by anger or vengeance. Perhaps most important,
they want to know that you also value and are committed to
maintaining, even fostering closeness and connection with your
child, despite your inclination for a tougher stance.

Practical support: Once you’ve provided your partner in caregiving

with emotional support, it can be helpful to listen to his or her point of
view about discipline and discuss your differences of opinion when
you are both calm. Chances are really good that you want similar
things, but have different ways of achieving those goals. You may
create a plan to communicate love and connection to your child
during or after conflict, including when setting limits. It also helps to
set limits that you can personally enforce so that your co-parent
doesn’t feel burdened by having to set limits which they didn’t
particularly endorse.

Sample Script B: “You’re too Hard!”

PARENT “Honey, Leo broke his tablet last night. He asked me if we
1:
could help him to pay for the repair. What do you think?”
PARENT “No chance. That tablet is his responsibility, and so getting
2:
it fixed is his concern. He shouldn’t have been so
careless.”
PARENT “Seriously? He’s only 12 years old!”
1:
PARENT “Okay … I’m taking it you think I’m being too hard on him?”
2:
PARENT “Well, yeah! How’s he supposed to make enough money
1:
to pay for that? He’s had such a rough go the past few
weeks. He needs to spend time on homework.”
PARENT “Ah – I’m guessing you don’t want to make his life
2:
unnecessarily hard, especially since school has been
getting him down. I could imagine that you’d be worried
that he’ll lose it if we don’t help him to catch a break.”
PARENT “I am worried that he’ll get even more stressed and refuse
1:
to do his homework and I don’t want to go there again.”
PARENT “I see where you are coming from, especially since you’re
2:
doing more of the heavy-lifting with school. Okay, well I
know it would make life easier in the short-term to just
replace the screen, but I think he’ll feel better and more
competent in the long run if he can pay for the fix himself. I
can assure you, I’m not just trying to be a jerk. Sounds like
I should also check in with him a bit more often to see how
he’s doing. And don’t worry – I’ll be patient with him.”
PARENT “Fine. But we need to help him figure out some realistic
1: ways to earn money if he gets overwhelmed.”
PARENT “That’s fair. Okay – when do you think is the best time to
2:
break the news?”

Common Pitfalls
1. “He’s disrespecting me when he questions my parenting.”
You may feel annoyed, disrespected, criticized, and/or judged by
your co-parent when she accuses you of being too tough on your
kid. You need to honor those feelings. They are legitimate. However,
any of the knee-jerk reactions we described will usually lead down a
spiral of blaming each other and miss the point of figuring out what to
do to help your child. Your co-parent’s reaction may feel like she
doesn’t trust or respect you, but it is actually much less about you
and more about her fear of your child feeling too much pain. Parents
will do anything to prevent harm to their child; it’s the most basic
instinct, and while your intentions are good, your firmer stance can
set off alarm bells for your co-parent so that she jumps in to protect
the child from perceived emotional harm. It still doesn’t feel good that
your co-parent might see your interaction this way, but it is better to
understand that it’s her fear at play. You can also let your co-parent
know you feel badly when she jumps in, and that will diffuse the
situation far more than fighting back.

2. “I hate always having to be the ‘bad guy’.” It can be endlessly

frustrating for the stricter parent to be the one who consistently has
to set the limits. It’s enough to have the child push against them, but
even worse if you feel like your partner in caregiving contradicts you.
It doesn’t feel good, and it also makes it harder to manage the child’s
behavior. It can feel like, “if only my co-parent just toughened up,
everything would be better.” As we explained earlier, the more you
try to suggest she parent more like you or you defend your firmness,
the more anxious she will get. Showing that you get her perspective
will lower her anxiety, decrease her need to “balance things out” or
“protect,” and put her in a better position to maintain firmer limits. It’s
also possible that, on the flip side, your partner does more of the
heavy lifting with the emotions or perhaps she is the family’s
“manager.” Consider that as a team, you are better together, and it
will make it easier to play off each other’s strengths and weaknesses
as you sort out a more balanced approach to collaborative parenting.

Reflections

What might make it hard for me to put into words my co-parent’s

experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
Figure 20.1 Knee-jerk response

Figure 20.2 Validation and support

 21
“Why Are You Talking to Me Like
That?”

We saved the best for last! Over the years, some parents have
shared with us that their child (or co-parent) initially responded to
their efforts to implement these communication and support
strategies with surprise, suspicion, and even full-on rejection. Others
were worried about how to navigate such a response, making it so
they were less likely to try out the approach. If the manner of relating
to your loved ones outlined in this book is really different from your
norm, you can probably bet someone in your family will react when
you first try it out. Families tend to behave in predictable patterns;
when someone breaks the mold, the reaction is to be expected and
doesn’t mean what you’re doing is wrong or unhelpful. You can be
guided by the ideas in this chapter regardless of how your loved one
responds, and it can sometimes take more than one “round” of doing
so for your loved one to settle. At first it can feel a bit like “whack-a-
mole” where a new reaction pops up as soon as you validated the
last one, except that with this version every player is a winner …
eventually!

Scenario A: “Why Are You Talking to Me Like That?”

In this scenario, let’s assume a stepmom used the framework as
described in the book to respond to her stepchild’s refusal to
cooperate. She validates the child’s resistance, offers support, and
then the kid looks at her incredulously and exclaims, “Why are you
talking to me like that?”

The Knee-Jerk Response

Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with
something like:

“Hey – It’s supposed to feel better when I talk like that!”

“Never mind, I guess it doesn’t work.”

Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:

“Well forget that. I won’t even try to understand your feelings

anymore.”

Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of
“Why are you talking to me like that?”

What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 1. Building a Bridge

This bridge is easily built with a look back at our own childhood. Can
you imagine if your parent came home one day and, instead of
getting defensive or shrinking in the face of your resistance or anger,
they validated it! Or when you dared tell your teacher you didn’t feel
like more homework, she could understand your point of view (even
if she still assigned you those dang verb tenses!). Given that most of
us were raised during a time when resistance and anger were
considered “bad,” and parents and other adult influencers were
strongly advised to maintain an authoritarian stance, it makes sense
that we’d find it totally bizarre if they suddenly responded this way.
Even though parenting trends have shifted in a generally “softer”
direction, validation and “being with” difficult feelings is still not the
norm. Not just with anger, with other feelings too (refer back to the
various knee-jerk responses in Chapter 3: Potential Roadblocks –
they come from somewhere!)

Possible Emotion Translations

Possibility A: “I’m surprised by your response because it’s so
different from what I’m used to.”
Possibility B: “I’m not sure I trust the sincerity of your words. It feels
like you’re trying to trick me into feeling better or doing something
you want me to do.”
Possibility C: “I’m worried this is a temporary change, and I’d better
not get too used to it.”

Translations for your child:

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

Step 2. Putting It into Words

Option 1. “I don’t blame you for reacting this way – it’s really different
from what usually comes out of my mouth.”
Option 2. “I can imagine you might be suspicious, like maybe I’m
trying to make fun of you or trick you.”
ption 3. “It’s got to be confusing that I’m not talking like I usually do.
You might wonder if I really mean what I’m saying.”
In your own words:

I can imagine why you would react this way because _________,
and because _________, and because __________.

*Reminder: The idea here is to connect with your child’s good

intentions, vulnerable feelings, or need for connection driving their
reaction, if on the surface it doesn’t seem so.

Step 3. Getting Practical

Emotional support: Meeting the emotional need in this context can
be a really awesome opportunity to deepen your relationship with
your loved one, whether it’s your child or your partner reacting to
your new style of communication. In this instance, you can
acknowledge that, yes they are in fact picking up on a new style, and
that it might be a bit choppy or feel unnatural for a while as you try it
out. You can follow that up with a commitment to increase the
frequency with which you connect on a more emotional level when
things are stressful or hard between you. One parent shared that she
simply told her child that: “This is going to be our new normal, and I
am going to keep working at it so that our family can grow even
stronger together. Even if it feels awkward at first!”

Practical support: Once your loved one can feel that your intentions
are genuine, you can invite him to give you feedback on your style.
For example, as we mentioned earlier in the book, some older kids
who are trying to sort out who they are as individuals might prefer
you to use the phrase “I imagine you’d feel” versus “I can
understand,” because it helps them to feel like the separate
individuals they are truly becoming; or better yet, “When I put myself
in your shoes, I can imagine that from your point of view, you might
feel ___________.” Kids who are already competent at figuring out
their own feelings might feel like it’s overstepping for you to make an
assumption. Other kids are happy for you to “understand” how they
feel or to help them figure it out. It makes them feel heard and seen.
In some cases, we just won’t know which style fits best until it
happens and the other person reacts. That’s all part of the process.

Sample Script: “Why Are You Talking to Me Like That?”

PARENT: “… And so it makes sense to me that you’d feel worried or
even upset about the change in plans.”
CHILD: “Huh? Are you being serious?”
PARENT: “What do you mean, love?”
CHILD: “What you said. Do you actually mean that?”
PARENT: “I can understand why you’d question me. It’s a really
different thing for me to say – especially when you’re not
happy about something. You might worry that I’m just
making fun or trying to stop you from feeling your
feelings.”
CHILD: “So do you actually mean it?”
PARENT: “I do mean it. The truth is, I’ve been thinking about how I
react when there is stress or upset feelings in the family. I
realized that I’m not always so caring in that way,
especially when things are busy. It’s something I really
want to change. It will feel awkward at first but I’m going to
keep practicing because you – my little pixie – are very
important to me, and so are your feelings.” (reaches out
for a tickle)
CHILD: “Ha – stop it”
PARENT: “So – what do you think? Think you can handle it? Any
special requests?”
CHILD: “Just don’t do it in front of my friends! And make sure you
mean what you say!”
PARENT: “Now that is something I can happily do!”

Common Pitfalls
1. “This sounds like a fairytale. I just don’t think it’s realistic.”
When we started to write this book, we really wanted it to be less
“pie-in-the-sky psycho-babble” and more “true-to-life.” It didn’t take
long to realize though that every family has its unique way of being
together. For example, some families are more comfortable with
verbal expressions of love than others who may show affection in
more physical ways or with humor. Families even have vocabularies
that are unique to them. This means that it is vital for you to adapt
the structure in a way that fits your personality and your family’s
culture. We’d still recommend you follow the framework (I can
imagine you might feel ________ because × 3 + emotional and
practical support) but to do so in a way that feels authentic. That
being said, if part of the discomfort lies within the approach – for
example, validation is not something you typically offer in certain
situations – then we’d urge you to see how you can integrate this
skill in a way that feels more comfortable.

2. “I don’t think my kid will buy it.” Because this is likely to be a

very new style of relating to your children, it is possible they may
experience it as odd or unnatural, especially if they are older (the
younger ones usually eat it up). Sometimes that’s just because this
new way of communicating is so different, sometimes it’s because
there’s something a little too rehearsed or stilted about the delivery,
and sometimes it really is that some older children don’t like you
trying to understand them so carefully (as you probably already
know, it can feel really vulnerable for others to enter into our
emotional world). You aren’t trying to be a therapist for your kid; you
want to have a normal conversation. Unfortunately, for it to become
natural, you need time and practice. Sometimes being upfront about
that reality can help your loved tolerate the discomfort during the in-
between phase.

3. “What if I respond in this way, and they still don’t settle?” First
things first: Try to compare notes with how it went with the framework
as described. If you’re confident that your technique was in the
“good-enough” domain, then it’s possible that a little time and some
distance from the issue can help. As much as we believe in the
approach, we would be remiss to suggest that it works 100% of the
time. It does promote flexibility and connection, though, and so you
can count on the fact that your efforts are still helping in some way
(that you may not see until later), and at least they aren’t hurting. If,
when you compare notes, you see that perhaps you were a little off
the mark or you missed a step, not a problem – give yourself a bit of
a break and circle back for a “do-over.”

Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s
experience in a situation like this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like

this?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in

the future?
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
 Part III
Where to from Here?

Parenting is a practice. We learn it though experience – both what

we experienced as kids and our own experience as caregivers. What
happens once you put down this book? How might you transform
what you learned into action? This last section is meant to help you
integrate the ideas from the preceding pages into your everyday life.
You’ll find a summary followed by lots of extra ideas and resources
for where to go from here, from suggestions for extra support to
opportunities to practice your new skills. Just like children, we
parents and caregivers also benefit from having trusted others help
us as we navigate the twists and turns and sometimes total chaos of
family life. As you read through these next chapters, consider who
you already talk to about some of these challenges and whether
you’d like to add anyone to your own circle of support.
 22
New Directions

We really hope that you’ve found parts of the book to be applicable

to your family life. We set out to capture common parenting
moments, since it’s usually helpful just to know that these issues
arise in households around the world multiple times a day. Parents
and caregivers don’t often share their kids’ worst moments with each
other. No one posts a family picture of their kids screaming or
fighting each other on social media. Some parents can have honest
conversations with their very closest friends and family. Others can
only really share the hard stuff anonymously online or in the security
of a confidential office with a medical or mental health professional.
Many battle through their own daily trenches largely alone. It’s only
because we have the luxury of talking privately to families every day
that we see how universal these struggles are. We can reassure you
that no family is as perfect as it seems, no children are as well
behaved, and no parents, stepparents, grandparents, etc. have it all
figured out. We also have the privilege of seeing the unbelievable
dedication and love that parents and caregivers have for their
children. Reading this book is just one of the millions of ways, small
and large, that you are caring for the young people in your life.
Neither of us ever expected to write a parenting book. We both
went into mental health fields wanting to help children. What we
discovered professionally is that one of the best ways to help
children is to help families get out of stuck patterns of relating to one
another – sometimes dating back generations. When we started
raising our own children and stepchildren, it became even more
obvious how much everyone in the family suffered when our kids
were struggling. We also learned that, most often, our kids couldn’t
change without us taking the lead, and that sometimes meant first
getting on the same page with partners in caregiving. It didn’t matter
how much schooling we had, how many friendships we had with
other mental health professionals, or even how much time we’d
spent helping other people’s kids – nothing could have prepared us
for being with the kids in our own lives! Nothing can bring you the
same level of joy or frustration or fear or awe. It can be so amazing
that we want to hold on forever or so overwhelming that we want to
turn away (even run away). When we broke it down into smaller
parts, we realized that there were some universal thoughts and
worries that get in the way for parents and caregivers, and also
some concrete steps to being with a child through all of his or her
feelings and behaviors. Inspired by our mentors, colleagues, and the
great minds who came before us, we developed the framework
outlined in this book to put into words some of those central ideas.
We can attest that these practices have definitely made our lives at
home easier, and that’s why we were so motivated to share them
with you.
It’s always touching for us to hear parents’ stories after they’ve
taken the risk and tried out some of these ideas at home. They often
come back and report how their child finally opened up or softened
and actually accepted their support. Sometimes, the benefit isn’t as
obvious, but parents are still trusting in the approach and using the
skills. I can think of a mother who recently told me:

It didn’t work. She didn’t calm down at all. But I just told her
that was okay and that I didn’t expect her to be cheerful after
such a horrible day. The next day she stayed in the kitchen
with me instead of going up to her room and shutting the
door like usual. So maybe I did something right?

It’s also normal for it to take a few weeks of relating in this new way
to notice a difference. Change doesn’t tend to happen in a straight
line; you may even feel temporary blips or setbacks before things
improve, but when parents persist, there is almost always a positive
change. You just can’t change one part of a relationship pattern
without other parts responding in turn. Every action has a reaction,
and we count on it!
Figure 22.1 Climbing the mountain of change

Let’s review a few of the main takeaways. First, it’s important,

especially at first, to emphasize the use of the three because-
statements to pivot from the culturally conditioned responses to try to
make our kids’ feelings go away. They let your children know that
you get them and you’re paying attention to their lives. They deepen
the validation. They also keep you focused on staying in your
children’s reality rather than prematurely trying to lead them out of
their feeling state.
It’s also important that, as much as possible, the because-
statements reflect your child’s goodness or positive intention. Even
when the behavior isn’t so good (e.g., hitting a sibling to get a turn on
a video game), you can still reflect the underlying feelings, wishes, or
needs (e.g., you were so angry because you felt left out or because
you really wanted to have a turn after waiting so long). Reflecting
your child in a positive and healthy light lets them see themselves
that way. You are their greatest mirror.
The order we’ve outlined of validation before reassurance or
problem-solving (whenever safe to do so) also seems to matter a lot
to kids of all ages. In fact, older kids tell us they are much more
willing to listen to their parents’ advice when they feel understood or
accepted first. You can think of it as “Feelings Before Fixing” or
“Support Before Solutions.” There’s the well-known Sylvia Boorstein
quote (and book title): “Don’t just do something, sit there.” She
meant to sit first and be with one’s own experience before acting,
and we essentially mean the same thing for parents with their
children. Sitting and listening to them first then providing validation
before offering advice is doing something invisible, yet meaningful
and powerful.
We recommend following the structure provided until you get your
feet under you and then making it your own. Once the principles feel
solid (regulate yourself first, see the goodness, feelings before
fixing), and you’ve wrapped your mind around the framework (build a
bridge, putting it into words, getting practical), you will automatically
convey what you mean to and the details won’t matter so much. In
other words, don’t worry about getting it just right, especially in the
beginning when you are acquiring the new skills. It can also be off-
putting to kids to see their parent trying to speak to them “perfectly.”
The focus is best placed on tuning in to yourself and your child, not
on the “perfect words to say.” If your child feels you are genuine in
your efforts, that vulnerable expression of love is the greatest gift you
can give your kids, even if you stumble on your words or forget what
comes next. And remember, no matter how bad things get – they
want you and only you as their mom or dad or stepparent or
grandparent. When there is conflict, the intensity of the discord
reflects the intensity with which they want you to join them, and help
them to get through their toughest moments.
Just like any other new practice, it helps to start with something
relatively easy. For example, if you routinely love celebrating your
child’s joy with her, you can just tack on some of the “putting it into
words” stuff. If you’re more comfortable with your child’s anxiety, start
with applying your new tools in these situations before moving into
the more angry zones. If you have more than one child, it can also
work well to start with the child whom you think will respond better.
It’s not always going to go well, but every time you do it, you are
making a long-term investment in your relationship with your child
and their brain development. Not only will this way of responding
help your children in the moment, but, over time, they will internalize
the framework, and this will help them tremendously in their life as
they use it themselves and with the other people around them. In
other words, when you change your way of being with your child, you
change the DNA of the relationship, and that gets passed along the
generations. Sometimes – when I am tired and frustrated and the
last thing I want to do is build a bridge (never mind put it into
words) – I think of the generations past who did their best to parent
us with the little science and support they had access to at the time.
Then I get back up again in their honor to untangle some of those
intergenerational cycles. Now if that doesn’t resonate with you,
totally okay, find the meaning in your efforts so that you can draw
from that well when you are struggling with the day-to-day.
Sometimes consciously bringing to mind the big picture can give us
perspective and take the edge off in the moment.
If you’re a bit hesitant about how this will all go, please don’t forget
the “do-over.” At the start, 95% of your efforts may be “do-overs.”
The first step is realizing that the interaction didn’t go as hoped after
the interaction. We’re serious – that’s awesome. “Do-overs” can
honestly be just as good as staying calm or present the first time. It
would be weird to always be fully tuned into your child’s feelings or
needs. It’s neither possible nor good for children if you “get it” all the
time. Those gaps when parents are out of sync with their child help
build a child’s autonomy and resilience to stress, and reconnection
teaches the child that the parent–child bond is strong enough to
withstand everyday wear and tear. In other words, healthy
relationships are all about missing the mark and then course
correction. This can mean a “do-over” with a specific interaction or
even a commitment to a new way of relating altogether. These are
helpful in all relationships, whether at home or elsewhere. They are
especially useful in co-parenting where emotions tend to run pretty
high when the going gets tough or when the family structure is
changing. You can use these principles to work more effectively as a
team with your partners in caregiving, and it will lower not only your
stress but your child’s as well. In fact, sometimes co-parenting
disagreements or stress are one of the main factors that get in the
way of parents being able to build a bridge to Child Island. Your mind
can only be in so many places at once! It is much easier to parent
when you feel supported (or at least not distracted by) your co-
parent. If you don’t feel your co-parent’s support, we urge you to “be
the first domino.” It doesn’t always feel good or “fair,” especially if
you feel like you’re always the one to have to take the lead, but
every action really does have a reaction and your efforts will prove
fruitful over time, especially if you are sincere in your intentions.
Trust us on this one – we have had the opportunity to work with
many partners in caregiving who were struggling to be in the same
room, never mind “get on the same page” with respect to their kids
and what we’ve learned is that the pain fueling both sides is most
often rooted in vulnerability – fear, hurt, even shame. When this
vulnerable pain can be met with kindness and support, and with no
expectation for anything in return (even if just for the kids’ sake at
first), magic can happen.
As parents start to focus in on listening to their children differently,
they often become aware of all the inner and external distractions:
work stress, overscheduling, electronics buzzing. The pace of life
and the overall stress load starts to feel at odds with the deep desire
to connect with our children in a helpful and meaningful way. Many
parents start by focusing on communication with their children and
develop more interest in knowing more about stress reduction for
themselves. If you’re in this boat, you are not alone. Our generation
of parents have so much on our minds. There are constant demands
on our resources and attention. There are also new challenges (like
our children’s digital immersion) and anxieties (like our kids’
economic and environmental future). Fortunately, we are also at a
time when mindfulness practice has become mainstream, and there
are many options for busy parents. All of the ancient traditions teach
a form of mindfulness or “paying attention, on purpose,
nonjudgmentally.” Nowadays, it is possible to find guidance around
mindfulness practice from many sources: podcasts, books, secular
teachers, religious teachers, and retreats. When I (Ashley) was first
having a hard time as a new parent, my mentor and colleague
suggested mindfulness practice. Of all the things I’ve learned and
tried, mindfulness meditation has been the simplest, cheapest, and
most helpful approach to managing my own stress as a parent. Our
favorite title for a mindfulness book is Dan Harris’s Meditation for
Fidgety Skeptics because, in real life, who likes the idea of sitting still
and having to focus on your own breathing with so much going on in
the background? Not too many parents, especially parents who are
already tearing their hair out. If you can relate, we want you to know
that there are many ways to practice mindfulness in daily life that
don’t involve sitting still for 30 minutes at a time (for real!). For more
information, check out the resources section for some recommended
books and websites. One we particularly love is Mindful Parent,
Mindful Child: Simple Mindfulness Practices for Busy Parents, an
audiobook by Susan Kaiser Greenland.
If you’re interested in a group format program (a good excuse to
get out of the house once a week), there are several options.
The first secular mindfulness program was pioneered by Jon
Kabat-Zinn and is called Mindfulness-based stress reduction.
This course is available in many urban centers and some online
formats. It’s a great introduction to mindfulness practice and helps
participants become more aware of and less reactive to everyday
events.
Mindfulness-based parent training is an offshoot of
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction designed specifically for
parents. This can be especially useful if your child is suffering from a
medical or mental health condition or you are dealing with stress that
is particularly related to parenting.
Mindful self-compassion deepens practices that are usually
introduced in other mindfulness training. As we discussed in Chapter
4, self-compassion practices can help us deal with parenting
challenges, as we aren’t easily able to take space away from the
issue. It is the antidote to all the unrealistic expectations faced by
many parents today. We highly recommend it.
Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy is geared toward people
with anxiety or depression. It has been shown to be helpful for new
parents and for anyone with recurrent bouts of depression.
Maybe you’re looking for something more in terms of parenting
support or your child is struggling with a behavioral issue or mental
health issue and you could benefit from “advanced caregiving skills.”
If so, we agree with other authors like Brené Brown who suggest that
parents don’t need “experts” to give advice so much as they need
space to uncover and listen to their own inner wisdom. I (Adele) am
definitely biased in thinking that emotion-focused family therapy
(EFFT) can be helpful, as I am a co-developer of the approach. The
framework captured in this book shares common roots, and the
focus of EFFT is to support parents with skills and strategies to help
their kids with behaviors, emotions, and their relationship. Should
parents’ efforts to support their child get blocked by their fear (of
making things worse), self-blame (for their child’s struggles), or other
thoughts or feelings (hopelessness, grief, etc.), the EFFT therapist
helps the parent to reconnect to their caregiving instincts and get
back on track. Check out www.emotionfocusedfamilytherapy.org for
links to a number of free videos for parents and caregivers inspired
by the approach.
Traditional family therapy (where two or more members of the
family typically come together) is another way to get “in-person”
support to have more understanding and less conflict in the family
and to put into practice some of the ideas and tools described in this
book. Many parents worry that a referral for “family therapy” means
“it must be the parents’ fault.” We believe just the opposite: Parents
can be the biggest part of the solution, even if things have been
really hard for a long while. Family therapy helps parents and kids
get out of stuck patterns of relating and connect with each other in
ways that better meet each family member’s needs.
Many communities offer parent guidance and support, either
through in-person groups or telephone/video-coaching. You can
always ask your primary care provider, health unit and/or local
school for recommendations. These resources are often convenient,
affordable and based on sound research evidence.
Finally, parenthood can really shake things up emotionally, so it’s
not surprising that parents often become interested in understanding
more about themselves or their other relationships. There is a wide
range of support out there for parents, from online peer support
groups to counseling and psychotherapy. For example, individual
psychotherapy can be really helpful to become more aware of your
thoughts and feelings and improve relationships with your kids, your
co-parent, and other important others. Contrary to popular belief,
psychotherapy doesn’t have to be a deep exploration of your own
childhood unless you want it to be. Those interested in how
childhood experiences may influence their current efforts as a parent
or who are now trying to give their children experiences that they
never received but wished they had, psychodynamic
psychotherapy may be an ideal choice. Cognitive behavioral
therapy is also widely available, is usually short-term, and focuses
on “here-and-now” issues, such as negative thinking patterns and
how to change them in day-to-day life. Interpersonal
psychotherapy helps parents identify their feelings in the context of
important relationships and improve communication with significant
others. Couples therapy can be especially useful for co-parents and
may center on supporting each other in your parenting role. Working
on the couple relationship is often helpful to children but doesn’t
need to be the main focus if you don’t want it to be. There are many
other forms of psychotherapy, and in the end, the relationship with
the therapist is probably the most important factor in getting the
support you want.

One additional form of support I may pursue is:

A Final Word
When it feels like you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work,
it’s easy to lose hope. It can make you worry that something is really
wrong with your child, yourself or your relationship. Hopefully, as
you’ve used some of the ideas in this book, you’ve seen more
glimmers of connection and calm. If not, then rest assured that
change can take time. Children are incredibly resilient creatures. So
are parents and caregivers. We are programmed to learn and grow
together. No matter what your child has been through or how she is
reacting right now, there is always, always hope. The bond between
a child and their primary caregiver is stronger than it seems, and
children want things to get better. Your child likely won’t yet be able
to thank you for all that you are doing or to tell you that even when
things go sideways, he appreciates how you stick by him again and
again. We hope that in the meantime, you can give yourself credit for
being willing to try out new things, fall, and get back up again. It is a
tremendous gift you are giving yourself and your child and we so
firmly believe that your efforts are incredibly meaningful.
 23
Practical Resources

In case you’d like a little more practice to figure out what will work
best for you and your child, we’ve included a template to build your
own road map. It can be applied to any situation that might arise. In
this chapter, you’ll find a brief summary and then a few pages of
examples for different situations. At the end of the chapter, you can
also find tables with more information relating to feelings with more
information on how to adapt this content to your child or family’s
unique needs.

1. Your Quick Guide for What to Say to Kids …

Once you’ve built a bridge to Child Island and you have at least a
couple of ideas to make sense of your child’s experience, you can
use the following guide to figure out how you might want to approach
any given situation:

Putting It into Words

A. Convey understanding of their experience:

I could understand that you …

I could imagine that you …
No wonder you …
It would make sense that you …

When I put myself in your shoes, I could see why you …

… might feel/think/want to/not want to ___________________

B. Demonstrate that you “get it”:

because 1: __________ because 2: __________ because 3:
__________

Getting Practical

Emotional Support Ideas

Offer comfort in words or with physical affection (“Come here

and I’ll give you a hug”)
Provide reassurance (“I believe it will be okay”)
Communicate acceptance and non-judgment (“It’s totally normal
to feel that way”)
Communicate togetherness and availability (“We’re in this
together,” “I’m here for you”)
Communicate trust or belief in the child, his abilities, his good
intentions (“I believe you can get through this”)
Share enjoyment with your child (“Wow – that is so cool!”)
Allow space (space can be physical or psychological and time-
limited; the plan for reconnection must be clearly communicated
(“Why don’t I give you some space and I’ll check back in with
you in 5 minutes”)

Practical Support Ideas

Redirect your child to another thought or activity (e.g., playing a

game, engaging in a physical activity, listening to music)
 Teach and practice communication and social skills (e.g.
teaching assertiveness)
Teach and practice mindfulness, self-compassion and relaxation
skills (e.g. noticing the red objects in the room; reminding the
child that everyone struggles sometimes; belly breathing)
Support your child to face fears (e.g. doing difficult things with
exposures to the anxiety-provoking thing or situation in a
gradual, step-by-step way)
Use positive reinforcement (e.g. praising and/or rewarding
desirable behaviors)
Help your child to brainstorm ideas for a solution (e.g. taking
turns coming up with possible ideas)
Offer solutions to help solve the practical problem or take over
to solve the problem (e.g. suggesting that this is a problem that
needs adult help)
Offer a few choices or some degree of control over the situation
(e.g. narrowing the options for the child)
Set a limit (e.g. being clear about expectations or what needs to
happen)
Just be with your child and let the feelings run their course

2. Guideposts
Some of the examples in this section will be familiar from the book
and others are meant to represent common parenting situations that
we didn’t include. They are organized by the child’s communication
into a few sections: refusals, wishes, feeling states and relationship-
based comments.

I Don’t Want to…

I don’t want to get out of bed.
Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might not want to get out
of bed):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
I can understand why you might not want to get out of bed because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

I don’t want to go to school.

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might not want to go to
school):
1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
I could imagine you might not want to go to school because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

I don’t want to come for dinner.

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might not want to come
for dinner):

1.

2.

3.
Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
No wonder you might not want to come for dinner because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

I don’t want to do my homework.

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might not want to do
homework):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
It would make sense to me why you might not want to go to do your
homework because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

I don’t want you to have another baby.

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might not want you to
have another baby):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
Of course you might not want us to have another baby because:
1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

I don’t want …
Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might not want
_______):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
When I put myself in your shoes, I can see why you might not want
_______ because:

1.
2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

I Want To …

I want to stay up later.

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might want to stay up

later):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
I can understand why you would want to stay up later because:

1.
2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

I want that toy.

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might want that toy):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
I can imagine why you would want that toy because:

1.

2.

3.
Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

I want to run away.

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might want to run away):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
No wonder you would want to run away because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:
Practical support suggestions:

I Want …

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might want _______):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
I can understand why you would want _______ because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

 I feel …
Mad

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might feel mad):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
When I put myself in your shoes, I can see why you might feel mad
because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

 Sad

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might feel sad):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
I can understand why you might feel sad because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

 Scared

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might feel scared):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
I can imagine why you might feel scared because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

Embarrassed
Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might feel embarrassed):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
Of course you might feel embarrassed because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

Happy

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might feel happy):

1.
2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
No wonder you might feel happy because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

… (Other Feeling Word)

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might feel _______):

1.

2.

3.
Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
I get why you might feel _______ because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

Relationship with Parent/Caregiver

I hate you.

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might be angry with you):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
It makes sense to me that you might be angry with me because:

1.
2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

Why are you talking to me like that?

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might respond with

discomfort or mistrust to your efforts to validate their perspective):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
I can understand why you would say that because:

1.

2.
3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

Silence

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might not want to talk to
you about this topic):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
When I put myself in your shoes, I can see why you wouldn’t want to
talk to me about this because:

1.

2.
3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

Building a Bridge (reasons why your child might …):

1.

2.

3.

Putting It into Words (using language that suits your child’s age
and personality):
I could imagine why you … because:

1.

2.

3.

Getting Practical
Emotional support sentences:

Practical support suggestions:

3. Feelings Quick Sheet

Here are some examples of the types of physical sensations and
actions that come along with different core emotions. Research has
shown that these physical elements are similar across genders and
cultures, even though the ways we show them on the outside may
vary from person to person. Kids may not notice emotions as easily
as adults or think of them as clearly separate from each other. They
learn that as they grow and with adult support.

Feelings In the Body

 It can be helpful to run through this table adding or deleting
sensations that apply to you, so you can become even more aware
of how emotions show up in your own body. This will also help you
teach your child to do the same.
An extra tip: If your child doesn’t yet identify with a certain
emotion or might be overwhelmed or embarrassed by you naming it
– for example, with anger – it’s okay to tone down the intensity of the
word you use to describe it. Instead of saying, “I can understand why
you’d be angry …,” you can say, “I can imagine why you’d be
upset/annoyed/frustrated.” You can also take the word and separate
it from the child; for example: “Anyone would be
angry/upset/annoyed/frustrated in this situation.” You can also avoid
the feeling word altogether at first and comment on the body
sensation or action: “If I put myself in your shoes, I’d want to throw
that paper in the garbage!” or “I can imagine it would make your fists
curl/blood boil/head explode to think that …” You can express also
your understand of their thoughts, beliefs, or what they say rather
than feelings. For example: “No wonder you think Annie is annoying,
because …” or “I can imagine why you’d say Jess doesn’t like you
because …”
Ideally, you can aim to increase your use of “feelings words”
because these will give children more specific language to describe
their own experience. As we mentioned earlier in the book, when
children can identify the body sensations linked to their emotions and
use feelings words (in their own minds or to communicate them to
others) enough of the time, it’s likely that the outbursts, behavior
problems, and meltdowns will fade away. This is a lifelong learning
process for most of us.

Sample Feelings Words

 24
Recommended Readings

This chapter lists a number of resources for different issues faced by

families with kids of varying ages. They are organized according to
different categories and we made efforts to include resources that
we believe are useful and that families have appreciated. We hope
they will provide you with a starting point for a variety of challenges
common to families today. That being said, this list is not meant to be
comprehensive, and over time, new and more up-to-date resources
will be published that reflect advances in clinical science and
practice.

Anxiety and School Refusal

Parents
Chansky, T.E., 2004. Freeing your child from anxiety: Powerful,
practical strategies to overcome your child’s fears, phobias, and
worries. Harmony Books.
Eisen, A.R. and Engler, L.B., 2006. Helping your child overcome
separation anxiety or school refusal: A step-by-step guide for
parents. New Harbinger Publications.
Haarman, G.B., 2011. School refusal behaviour: Children who can’t
or won’t go to school. Education and Consultation Press,
Louisville.
Lebowitz, E.R. and Omer, H., 2013. Treating childhood and
adolescent anxiety: A guide for caregivers. John Wiley & Sons.
Manassis, K., 2008. Keys to parenting your anxious child. Barron’s
Educational Series.
Rapee, R., Wignall, A., Spence, S., Lyneham, H., and Cobham, V.
2008. Helping your anxious child: A step-by-step guide for
parents. New Harbinger Publications.
Spencer, E.D., DuPont, R.L., and DuPont, C.M. 2003. The anxiety
cure for kids: A guide for parents. John Wiley & Sons.
Wagner, A.P., 2002. Worried no more: Help and hope for anxious
children. Lighthouse Press.

Children
Bains, G.A., Bains, P., and Gianoglio, J. 2009. A child’s story: Going
to school with anxiety. AuthorHouse.
Crist, J.J., 2004. What to do when you’re scared & worried: A guide
for kids. Free Spirit Publishing.
Garland, E.J. and Clark, S.L. 2000. Taming worry dragons: A manual
for children, parents, and other coaches. Mood and Anxiety
Disorders Clinic, Department of Psychiatry, British Columbia’s
Children’s Hospital.
Huebner, D. and Matthews, B. 2006. What to do when you worry too
much: A kid’s guide to overcoming anxiety. Magination Press.
Lavallee, K., and Schneider, S. 2017. What to do when you don’t
want to be apart: A kid’s guide to overcoming separation anxiety.
Magination Press.
Penn, A. 2007. The kissing hand. Tanglewood.
Spencer, E.D., DuPont, R.L., and DuPont, C.M. 2014. The anxiety
cure for kids: A guide for parents and children. John Wiley &
Sons.

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and

Learning Differences

Parents
Barkley, R. 2013. Taking charge of ADHD, Third Edition: The
complete, authoritative guide for parents. Guilford Press.
Dawson, P., and Guare, R. 2009. Smart but scattered: The
revolutionary “executive skills” approach to helping kids reach
their potential. Guilford Press.
Franklin, D. 2018. Helping your child with language-based learning
disabilities: Strategies to succeed in school & life with dyslexia,
dysgraphia, dyscalculia, ADHD & processing disorders. New
Harbinger.

Children
Esham, B., Gordon, M., and Gordon, C. 2015. Mrs. Gorski, I think I
have the wiggle fidgets. Little Pickle Press.
Miles, B.S., Patterson, C., and Heinrichs, J. 2014. How I learn: A
kid’s guide to learning disability. Magination Press.
Taylor, J. 2013. The survival guide for kids with ADHD (updated
edition). Free Spirit Publishing.

Assertive Anger

Parents
Golden, B. 2006. Healthy anger: How to help children and teens
manage their anger. Oxford University Press.

Children
Schab, L. 2009. Cool, calm, and confident: A workbook to help kids
learn assertiveness skills. Instant Help.
Whitson, S. 2011. How to be angry: An assertive anger expression
group guide for kids and teens. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Blending Families
Parents
Deal, R.L., and Olson, D.H. 2015. The smart stepfamily marriage:
Keys to success in the blended family. Baker Books.
LeBey, B. 2005. Remarried with children: Ten secrets for
successfully blending and extending your family. Bantam.
Mullineaux, T.C., and Karinch, M., 2016. Blending families: Merging
households with kids 8–18. Rowman & Littlefield.
Shimberg, E.F. 1999. Blending families: A guide for parents,
stepparents, grandparents and everyone building a successful
new family. Penguin.

Children
Harris, R.H. 2012. Who’s in my family: All about our families.
Candlewick.
Ricci, I. 2006. Mom’s house, Dad’s house for kids: Feeling at home
in one home or two. Touchstone.
Winnett, E. 2014. Mom or Dad’s house?: A workbook to help kids
cope with divorce. Counseling with HEART.

Bullying

Parents
Anthony, M., and Lindert, R. 2010. Little girls can be mean: Four
steps to bully-proof girls in the early grades. St. Martin’s Griffin.
Borba, M. 2016. UnSelfie: Why empathetic kids succeed in our all-
about-me world. Simon and Schuster.
Dellasega, C., and Nixon, C., 2007. Girl wars: 12 strategies that will
end female bullying. Simon and Schuster.
Goldman, C., and Postel, D. 2012. Bullied: What every parent,
teacher, and kid needs to know about ending the cycle of fear.
HarperOne.
Gordon, M. 2009. Roots of empathy: Changing the world child by
child. The Experiment.
Hurley, K. 2018. No more mean girls: The secret to raising strong,
confident, and compassionate girls. Penguin.
Rigby, K. 2008. Children and bullying: How parents and educators
can reduce bullying at school. Blackwell Publishing.
Simmons, R., 2002. Odd girl out: The hidden culture of aggression in
girls. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Children
Criswell, P.K. 2009. Stand up for yourself & your friends: Dealing
with bullies & bossiness and finding a better way. American Girl.
Lohmann, R.C., and Taylor, J.V. 2013. The bullying workbook for
teens: Activities to help you deal with social aggression and
cyberbullying. New Harbinger.
Simmons, R., 2004. Odd girl speaks out: Girls write about bullies,
cliques, popularity, and jealousy. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Whitson, S. 2011. Friendship and other weapons: Group activities to
help young girls aged 5–11 to cope with bullying. Jessica
Kingsley Publishers.

Challenging Behavior

Parents
Greene, R.W., 2014. The explosive child: A new approach for
understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically
inflexible children. HarperCollins.
Greene, R.W., 2009. Lost at school: Why our kids with behavioral
challenges are falling through the cracks and how we can help
them. Simon and Schuster.

Children
Cook, J. 2015. But it’s not my fault. Boys Town Press.
Smith, B. 2016. What were you thinking?: Learning to control your
impulses. Boys Town Press.

Co-parent/Couple Relationships
Gottman, J and DeClaire, J. 2002. The relationship cure: A 5 step
guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships.
Three Rivers Press.
Johnson, Sue. 2008. Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a
lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
Lerner, H. 2017. Why won’t you apologize?: Healing big betrayals
and everyday hurts. Gallery Books.

Depression and Suicide

Parents
Barnard, M.U. 2003. Helping your depressed child: A step-by-step
guide for parents. New Harbinger.
Cartwright-Hatton, S., 2007. Coping with an anxious or depressed
child. Oneworld Publications.
Eyers, K. and Parker, G., 2010. Navigating teenage depression: A
guide for parents and professionals. Routledge.
Fitzpatrick, C. and Sharry, J., 2004 Coping with depression in young
people: A guide for parents. John Wiley & Sons.
Riley, D.A., 2001. Depressed child: A parent’s guide for rescuing
kids. Taylor Trade Publishing.
Serani, D., 2013. Depression and your child: A guide for parents and
caregivers. Rowman & Littlefield.
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 2019.
Suicide resource center. [online] Available at:
www.aacap.org/aacap/families_and_youth/resource_centers/Sui
cide_Resource_Center/Home.aspx#getting_help
Centre for Suicide Prevention. 2019. Youth at risk: How to talk to a
suicidal teen. Centre for Suicide Prevention [online] Available at:
www.suicideinfo.ca/youth-risk-adults [Accessed 20 April 2019].
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry “Threats by
children: When are they serious?” [online] Available at:
<www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Familie
s/FFF-Guide/Childrens-Threats-When-Are-They-Serious-
065.aspx≥ [Accessed 19 April 2019].
Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre, 2019. Suicide. BC Children’s
Hospital. [online]. Available at:
<https://keltymentalhealth.ca/node/4096≥ [Accessed 20 April
2019].

Children
Cook, J., 2012. Blueloon. National Center for Youth Issues.
Foley, J., 2016. Danny and the blue cloud: Coping with childhood
depression. Magination Press.
Fusek, A. and Peters, P., 2014. The colour thief. Hachette Children’s
Group.
Greive, B.T., 2005. The blue day book for kids. Andres McMeel
Publishing.
Hamail, S.W., 2004. My feeling better workbook: Activities that help
kids beat the blues. Instant Help Publications.
Toner, J., 2016. Depression: A teen’s guide to survive and thrive.
Magination.
Weissman, J., 2009. Can I catch it like a cold? Coping with a
parent’s depression. Tundra Books.

Eating Disorders

Parents
Boachie, A. and Jasper, K., 2011. A parent’s guide to defeating
eating disorders: Spotting the stealth bomber and other symbolic
 approaches. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Bryant-Waugh, R., 2019. ARFID Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake
Disorder: A guide for parents and carers. Routledge.
Lock, J. and Le Grange, D., 2015. Help your teenager beat an eating
disorder. Guilford Publications.

Gender and LGBTQ+ Issues

Parents
Dohrenwend, A., 2012. Coming around: Parenting lesbian, gay,
bisexual, and transgender kids. New Horizon Press.

Children
Gino, A. 2015. George. Scholastic Press.
Thorn, T. 2019. It feels good to be yourself: A book about gender
identity. Henry Holt and Co.

General Parenting and Emotion Regulation

Brown, Brené. 2015. The gifts of imperfect parenting: Raising
children with courage, compassion, and connection. (audiobook).
Sounds True.
Chapman, G. and Campbell, R., 2016. The 5 love languages of
children: The secret to loving children effectively. Moody
Publishers.
Hoffman, K., Cooper, G., and Powell, B., 2017. Raising a secure
child: How circle of security parenting can help you nurture your
child’s attachment, emotional resilience, and freedom to explore.
The Guilford Press.
Gottman, J.M., 2004. What am I feeling? Parenting Press, Inc.
Gottman, J., 2011. Raising an emotionally intelligent child. Simon
and Schuster.
Faber, A. and Mazlish, E. 1980. How to talk so kids will listen and
listen so kids will talk. Scribner.
Harvey, P. and Penzo, J.A., 2009. Parenting a child who has intense
emotions: Dialectical behavior therapy skills to help your child
regulate emotional outbursts and aggressive behaviors. New
Harbinger Publications.
Kang, S. 2014. The dolphin way: A parent’s guide to raising healthy,
happy, and motivated kids-without turning into a tiger. Viking
Canada.
Neufeld, G. and Maté, G., 2004. Hold onto your kids: Why parents
need to matter more than peers. New York, NY: Vintage Canada.
Paley, V.G., 2009. A child’s work: The importance of fantasy play.
University of Chicago Press.
Siegel, D.J. and Bryson, T.P., 2012. The whole-brain child: 12
revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind.
Bantam.
Siegel, D.J. and Bryson, T.P., 2016. No drama discipline: The whole-
brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing
mind. Random House.
Siegel, D.J. and Bryson, T.P., 2019. The yes brain: How to cultivate
courage, curiosity, and resilience in your child. Bantam.
Siegel, D.J. and Hartzell, M., 2004. Parenting from the inside out:
How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children
who thrive. Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin.
https://www.mentalhealthfoundations.ca
https://www.emotionfocusedfamilytherapy.org
https://www.ahaparenting.com/

Grief

Parents
Balk, D. 2010. Children’s encounters with death, bereavement, and
coping. Springer Publishing Company.
Coloroso, B. 2000. Parenting through crisis: Helping kids in times of
loss, grief, and change. HarperCollins Publishers.
Emswiler, M.A., and James P.E. 2000. Guiding your child through
grief. Bantam.
Fitzgerald, H. 2013. The grieving child: A parent’s guide. Simon and
Schuster.
Manning, M., and Patterson, J. 1999. 35 Ways To Help A Grieving
Child. Dougy Center.
Schaefer, D. 2011. How do we tell the children?: A step-by-step
guide for helping children two to teen cope when someone dies.
ReadHowYouWant. com.
Silverman, P.R. and Kelly, M. 2009. A parent’s guide to raising
grieving children: rebuilding your family after the death of a loved
one. Oxford University Press, USA.

Children
Cook, J. 2011. Grief is like a snowflake. National Center for Youth
Issues.
Leutenbergm E. and Zamore, F. 2012. GriefWork for teens: Healing
from loss. Whole Person Associates.
Leeuwenburgh, E. and Goldring, E. 2008. Why did you die?:
Activities to help children cope with grief and loss. New
Harbinger Publications.
McWhorter, G. 2005. Healing activities for children in grief. Gary
McWorter.
Schmidt, R. 2011. 65 Healing activities and CD. Marco Products.

Media and Electronics

Parents
Lloyds Lender, W. 2014. A practical guide to parenting in the digital
age: How to nurture safe, balanced, and connected children and
teens. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Uhls, Y.T. 2016. Media moms & digital dads: A fact-not-fear
approach to parenting in the digital age. Routledge.

Mindfulness and Mindful Parenting

Parents
Kaiser Greenland, Susan. 2019. Mindful parent, mindful child:
Simple mindfulness practices for busy parents. Sounds True.
Stiffelman, S. 2015. Parenting with presence: Practices for raising
conscious, confident, caring kids. New World Library.
Willard, C. 2017. Raising Resilience: The wisdom and science of
happy families and thriving children. Sounds True.
Kabat-Zinn, J and Kabat-Zinn, M. 1998. Everyday blessings: The
inner work of mindful parenting. Hachetter Books.

Children
Garcia, G. 2017. Listening to my body: A guide to helping kids
understand the connection between their sensations (what the
heck are those?) and feelings so that they can get better at
figuring out what they need. Skinned Knee Publishing.
Vo, Dzung X. 2015. The mindful teen: Powerful skills to help you
handle stress one moment at a time. Raincoast Books.

Perfectionism

Parents
Adderholdt, M. and Goldberg, J. 1999. Perfectionism: What’s bad
about being too good? Revised and updated edition. Free Spirit
Publishing Inc.
Homayoun, A. 2012. The myth of the perfect girl: Helping our
daughters find authentic success and happiness in school and
 life. Penguin.
Jay, M. 2017. Supernormal: The untold story of adversity and
resilience. Twelve.
Smith, J. 2017. Untying parent anxiety: 18 myths that have you in
knots – and how to get free. Familius.

Children
Adderholdt, M. and Goldberg, J. 1999. Perfectionism: What’s bad
about being too good? Free Spirit Publishing.
Burns, E., 2008. Nobody’s perfect: A story for children about
perfectionism. Magination Press.
Greenspoon, T. 2007. What to do when good enough isn’t good: The
real deal in perfectionism: A guide for kids. Free Spirit
Publishing.
Pett, M., 2011. The girl who never made mistakes. Sourcebooks
Jabberwocky.
John, J. 2019. The good egg. HarperCollins Children’s Books.

Physical Symptoms and Mind–Body Connection

Parents
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 2017.
Physical symptoms of emotional distress: Somatic symptoms
and related disorders. [online] Available at
<www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Familie
s/FFF-Guide/Physical_Symptoms_of_Emotional_Distress-
Somatic_Symptoms_and_Related_Disorders.aspx> [Accessed
20 April 2019].

Children
Green, K. and Penner, C. n.d. Sam’s Journey: A Story of
Somatization [online] Available at:
https://keltymentalhealth.ca/sites/default/files/resources/Sam%27
s%20Journey.pdf

Resilience and Self-Compassion

Parents
Brown, B. 2015. Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable
transforms the way we Live, love, parent, and lead. Penguin
Random House.
Carlsson-Paige, N. 2008. Taking back childhood: A proven roadmap
for raising confident, creative, compassionate kids. Penguin.
Siegel, D.J. and Hartzell, M. 2013. Parenting from the inside out:
How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children
who thrive. TarcherPerigee.
Young-Eisendrath, P. 2008. The self-esteem trap: Raising confident
and compassionate kids in an age of self-importance. Little,
Brown.

Children
Bradshaw, C.M. 2016. How to like yourself: A teen’s guide to
quieting your inner critic and building lasting self-esteem. New
Harbinger Publications.
Gadeberg, J. 1997. Brave new girls. Fairview Press.
Garcia, G. 2017. Listening with my heart: A story of kindness and
self-compassion. Skinned Knee Publishing.
Krouse Rosenthal, A. and Rosenthal, P. 2017. Dear girl.
HarperCollins.
Moss, W.L. 2010. Being me: A kid’s guide to boosting confidence
and self-esteem. Magination Press.
Taylor, J.V. 2014. The body image workbook for teens: Activities to
help girls develop a healthy body image in an image-obsessed
 world. New Harbinger Publications.
Tyler, M., 2005. The skin you live in. Chicago Children’s Museum.
Zobel-Nolan, A. 2005. What I like about me! Reader’s Digest
Children’s Books.

Sleeping Problems

Parents
Walker, M. 2018. Why we sleep: Unlocking the power of sleep and
dreams. Scribner.
Weissbluth, M. 2015. Healthy sleep habits, happy child, 4th edition:
A step-by-step program for a good night’s sleep. Ballantine
Books.

Children
Bell, A. and Naidoo, S. 2017. The quest for rest – Polly & Pickles: An
innovative two-part sleep guide that empowers and educates.
Paper Clouds Project Ltd.
Huebner, D. 2008. What to do when you dread your bed: A kid’s
guide to overcoming problems with sleep. Magination Press.
Index

academic achievement 30, 112, 151–163; see also homework

acceptance 21, 153, 189, 227
affection 13, 21, 227; see also love
aggression 108, 171–177
Angelou, Maya 36
anger 26, 34–35, 82, 236, 240; academic achievement 153;
aggression 176, 177; assertive 248; child’s response to validation
210; emotion translation 14; family culture/traditions 124–125;
feelings in the body 244; feelings words 245; grief 63; knee-jerk
responses 11; missing a parent 139, 146, 147; not “getting it” 116;
parental 186; refusal to talk 97, 98, 99; self-criticism 105, 114
anxiety 34–35, 156, 244–245; avoidance 93; bedtime 55; bullying 94;
feelings in the body 244; feelings words 245; grief 63; indecision
129, 131, 134, 135; knee-jerk responses 11; mindfulness-based
cognitive therapy 223; partners 206; physical complaints 88, 89,
91–92, 93; self-criticism 105, 106; separated families 181;
separation 55, 139–145
apologies 99, 147; aggression 175; “do-overs” 187–188, 191, 192;
not “getting it” 117
assertive communication 118
attachment 144
attention, parental 13, 149, 169
availability 21, 227

because-statements 16–17, 19, 218–219

bedtimes 52–57, 195
behavior 45; challenging 247; “externalizing the problem” 167;
iceberg model 13; self-criticism 105
big-picture orientation 72, 112, 113, 159, 165, 221
blame 42–43, 153, 188, 205; see also self-blame
blended families 246
body language 84, 154, 220
Boorstein, Sylvia 219
brain processes 7, 17–18, 27; aggression 172; cognitive flexibility
50–51; decision-making 132; emotional regulation 36; memories
187; see also calming the brain; mirror neurons
breathing exercises 38–39, 92
Brown, Brené 108, 223
building a bridge 5, 6, 12, 15, 17, 23, 45
bullying 93–94, 168, 246–247

“calm-enough” mind 9
calming the brain 7, 16, 17–18, 23
caution 86
“challenge ladders” 92
change 218, 219
cheerleading 10, 61
choice 128–138
“clinginess” 149
co-parenting: disagreements between partners 8, 194–208, 221;
family stress 192; recommended reading 247–248; separated
families 102, 143, 178–184
cognitive behavioral therapy 224
cognitive flexibility 50–51
cognitive therapy 223
comfort 19–20, 227
common pitfalls 6
communication skills 21
compassion 7, 11, 106, 112, 199
conditioning 32–33, 82
confidence 86, 128, 144, 155
connection-seeking 70, 79, 134, 146, 149
consistency 55
counter-conditioning 36
couples therapy 224
cultural celebrations 120–126
curiosity 85, 118, 135–136

death of a pet 63–68

decision-making 128–138
depression 108, 156, 223, 248–249
despair 164–170
dieting 51
disagreements between co-partners 8, 194–208, 221
disappointment 86, 116, 153, 166, 167
distraction 10, 32–33, 112, 227
divorce 64; see also parental separation
“do-overs” 7, 185–193, 201, 214, 221
doubt, tolerating 130
downplaying 10

eating disorders 251

educated guesses 12, 18, 19
embarrassment 28–29, 34–35, 89, 121, 238; academic achievement
153, 154, 157, 160–161; despair 165, 166; homework issues 58,
59; knee-jerk responses 11
emotion-focused family therapy (EFFT) 223
emotion translation 5–6, 13–15
emotional self-efficacy 26
emotional support 7, 19–20, 21, 227; academic achievement 153–
154, 158–159; aggression 174; celebrating joy 84–85; despair
166–167; disagreements between co-parents 197–198, 201, 204;
“do-overs” 188, 189; grief and loss 65; homework issues 59–60;
indecision 130, 135; missing a parent 141–142, 147; moving home
70; not “getting it” 117–118, 122–123; physical complaints 90–91;
refusal to come for dinner 49; refusal to go to bed 54–55; refusal
to talk 98–99; self-criticism 106, 111–112; separated families 180–
181; sibling rivalry 78; “Why are you talking to me like that?” 211–
212
emotions 244–245; “emotional cup” 45–46; “feelings mountain” 122–
123; “good” and “bad” 33; iceberg model 13; impact on problem-
solving 114; knee-jerk responses 10, 11; losing control of 36;
managing 45; physical complaints 88, 91; refusal to talk about 97;
regulation of 30, 36, 132, 249–250; separation from parents 144;
sharing your own 41; validating 16
empathy 27, 114
enjoyment 21, 227; see also joy
excitement 82, 83
“externalizing the problem” 167, 174

“faking” illness 93
family events 120–126
family therapy 223
fear 21, 227, 237–238; bedtimes 55; feelings in the body 244;
feelings words 245; parental 196
“feelings mountain” 122–123
“fight, flight, or freeze” reaction 173, 176, 177
FOMO (fear of missing out) 52, 129
food 51
friends: cultural difference 121; despair 168–169; moving home 69–
70, 71, 73–74; phoning a friend 43; self-criticism 109–114
frustration: academic achievement 151, 154; aggression 176;
bedtimes 57; despair 166, 169; knee-jerk responses 11; moving
home 70; not “getting it” 116, 117, 119; parental 3–4, 37, 42, 47,
154, 186; time pressures 31; validation 49

gender identity 119, 249

genuineness 220
getting practical 6, 7, 19–22, 45, 227; academic achievement 153–
154, 158–159; aggression 172–173, 174–175; celebrating joy 84–
85; despair 166–168; disagreements between partners 197–198,
204; “do-overs” 188–190; grief and loss 65–66; homework issues
59–60; indecision 130–131, 135–136; missing a parent 141–142,
147–148; moving home 70–71; not “getting it” 117–118, 122–123;
physical complaints 90–92; refusal to come for dinner 49–50;
 refusal to go to bed 54–55; refusal to talk 98–100; self-criticism
106–107, 111–112; sibling rivalry 78; split families 180–181; “Why
are you talking to me like that?” 211–212; work good intentions,
recognizing 17, 21, 211
“gradual exposure” 92
gratitude 85, 167
Greenland, Susan Kaiser 222
grief 63–68, 72, 124–125, 223, 250–251
guilt 72, 80, 105, 108

happiness 33, 82–87, 239

Harris, Dan 222
helplessness 10, 31, 42
homework 57–62, 155–156
hopelessness 169, 223
humility 86–87
humor 43–44

I-dentifying 10
iceberg model 13
indecision 128–138
inner critic 108
instincts, trusting 137
interpersonal psychotherapy 224

joy: celebrating 82–87; feelings in the body 244; feelings words 245
Jung, Carl 30

Kabat-Zinn, Jon 222

knee-jerk responses 5, 6, 8, 23, 25

laughter 43–44
learning differences 58, 60, 245
LGBTQ+ issues 119, 249
limits, setting 6, 22, 45, 49, 227; aggression 172; bedtimes 57; co-
parenting 204; indecision 130
listening 219, 222
loss 63–68, 70, 72
love 85, 188, 189, 196, 220

Mansbach, Adam 43–44

mantras 43
mealtimes 51, 131
media 251
memories 187
military mentality 196
mindfulness 21, 39, 55, 92, 111–112, 222–223, 227, 251
mirror neurons 27, 39, 55, 108, 190
missing a parent 139–150
mistakes: academic achievement 151, 159; acknowledging your own
183; decision-making 137; “do-overs” 185, 187, 191; self-criticism
104–114
moving home 68–74

Neff, Kristin 39–40

negotiation 118, 123, 124
neuroscience 26, 27; see also brain processes
new partners 148, 182–183
not “getting it” 115–126

parent guidance and support 224

parent training, mindfulness-based 223
parental separation 102, 143, 178–184
partners, disagreements between 8, 194–208, 221
peer conflict 93–94
perfectionism 129, 151, 156–161, 251–252
pets, death of 63–68
phoning a friend 43
physical complaints 88–95, 252
play 97, 156
positive reinforcement 22, 227
practical support 7, 21–22, 227; academic achievement 154, 159;
aggression 172–173, 174–175; celebrating joy 85; despair 167–
168; disagreements between partners 198, 204; “do-overs” 188–
190; grief and loss 65–66, 67; homework issues 60; indecision
130–131, 135–136; missing a parent 142, 147–148 missing a
parent 142, 147–148; moving home 70–71; not “getting it” 118,
123; physical complaints 91–92; refusal to come for dinner 49–50;
refusal to go to bed 55; refusal to talk 99–100; self-criticism 107,
112; sibling rivalry 78; split families 181; “Why are you talking to
me like that?” 212
problem-solving 10, 17, 20, 23, 219; conditioning 33; “do-overs” 189;
impact of high emotions on 114; transitions 50; validation 199
psychotherapy 224
punishment 29, 171
putting it into words 6, 7, 16–19, 45, 226; see also validation

quality time 78, 143, 147–148

questioning 10, 18
reassurance 10, 17, 33, 49, 219; bedtimes 55; changing
circumstances 70; despair 167; emotional support 19–20, 21, 147,
227; grief 65; not “getting it” 123; partners 197; self-criticism 104,
113; separated families 180; short-term relief 34

reconciliation 107
refusal to talk 72, 96–103, 242
refusals 47–62, 228–232
regret 135
relaxation skills 21, 55, 92, 227
religious celebrations 120–126
remarriage 148
resilience 29, 87, 185, 221, 224, 252–253
rituals 65–66
roadblocks 8, 25–36
routine 55, 92
sadness 34–35, 82, 236–237; academic achievement 151; despair
166, 169; feelings in the body 244; feelings words 245; grief and
loss 65, 66, 67; knee-jerk responses 11; missing a parent 146;
refusal to talk 98; separation anxiety 140
sample scripts 6; academic achievement 154–155, 159–161;
aggression 175–176; celebrating joy 85–86; despair 168–169;
disagreements between partners 198–199, 204–205; “do-overs”
190–191; grief and loss 66–67; homework issues 61; indecision
131, 136–137; missing a parent 143, 148–149; moving 71; not
“getting it” 118–119, 123; physical complaints 92–93; refusal to
come for dinner 50; refusal to go to bed 55–56; refusal to talk 100–
101; self-criticism 107–108, 112–113; separated families 181–182;
sibling rivalry 78–79; “Why are you talking to me like that?” 212–
213
Satir, Virginia 13
scaffolding technique 60
school performance 30, 112, 151–163; see also homework
school resistance 88–95, 244–245
screen time 115–119
self-blame 65, 67, 102, 104, 108, 188, 223
self-compassion 21, 39–40, 106, 111–112, 143, 223, 227, 252–253
self-criticism 104–114
self-efficacy 26
self-esteem 61, 62, 108, 151, 176
sensory reset 40–41
separated parents 102, 143, 178–184
separation anxiety 55, 139–145
sexual orientation 119, 249
shame 29, 62, 82; academic achievement 151, 152, 153, 155;
despair 167, 169; feelings in the body 244; feelings words 245;
indecision 134; parental 143, 221; self-criticism 105, 106, 108, 114
shared parenting 178–184
shoulding 10
sibling rivalry 75–81
Siegel, Dan 29
silence 96–103, 242
sincerity 7, 49, 55, 108, 190
Singer, Tania 27
sleep 55, 56, 253
smiles 84
social media 29, 33, 112, 217
social skills 21, 30, 227
solutions, offering 22, 227
space 21, 227
stress 43, 69; academic achievement 159; bullying 93–94; co-
parenting 221; decision-making 129, 132, 134; despair 170; family
192; “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction 173; guidelines for co-parents
200–201; mindfulness-based stress reduction 222; parental 154,
222; physical complaints 88, 89, 93; refusal to talk 101
suicide 164, 248
“super-feelers” 93–94, 169

taking a break 41–42

tantrums 5, 14
time: homework time 60; setting time limits 92; time pressures 31–32
“time-ins” 174–175
togetherness 21, 227
Tolle, Eckhart 43
transitions 50, 179, 180
triggers, awareness of your own 31
trust 21, 141, 185, 188, 227
tuning in 15

uncertainty, tolerating 130, 135

validation 5, 6, 16–19, 23–24, 195; academic achievement 159, 163;

aggression 176; anxiety 141; apologies 191; because-statements
218; child’s negative response to 210; despair 166; grief and loss
67; moving 74; not “getting it” 119, 123, 126; partners 199–200,
208; physical complaints 93, 95; refusal to come for dinner 49;
refusal to talk 72, 101; self-criticism 106; sibling rivalry 80; see
also putting it into words
video games 76, 78, 118–119

Wallace, Catherine M. 30