Jewish Wedding Guide

for Interfaith Couples

 Contents

Jewish Wedding Section 1: Finding Your Officiant(s) and Choosing a Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

Guide for Interfaith Section 2: Elements of a Jewish Wedding Ceremony . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Families Ketubah signing, Processional, Circling, Blessing over the wine,

Ring Ceremony, Seven Blessings, Breaking the glass, Recessional, Yichud

Section 3: Ritual Objects and Clothing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10

www.18Doors.org
Section 4: Invitations, Programs and Food . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14

Section 5: Issues Specific to Jewish-Christian Weddings . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Section 6: Issues Specific to Jewish-Muslim, Jewish-Hindu

and Jewish-Buddhist Weddings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21

Section 7: Managing Family Dynamics

and Planning Your Wedding . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23

Section 8: Pre-marital Counseling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26

Section 9: Before the Wedding: Connecting with Other Couples . . . . . . 28

Section 10: Sample Ceremonies and Definitions

for Wedding Programs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
Section 1: Finding Your Officiant(s)
and Choosing a Date

Timing and Location of a are more flexible. If your ceremony is

Jewish/Interfaith Wedding co-officiated, make sure you clear your
If you’re thinking of having a rabbi or cantor wedding site with both officiants prior to
officiate your wedding, keep in mind that contracting for a venue. Different religious
most Jewish clergy observe a number of communities have different requirements.
limitations and restrictions on both the
location and timing of weddings they
perform. The rules vary a bit from one The Sabbath
movement of Judaism (denomination) to Traditionally speaking, in Judaism weddings
another, but here are some of the most do not take place on the Jewish Sabbath
common limitations. (Shabbat). Shabbat begins at sundown

If your ceremony is co-officiated, make sure you

clear your wedding site with both officiants prior to
contracting for a venue.

Location, location, location! every Friday and continues until a bit past
In traditional Judaism there are hardly any sundown on Saturday (Judaism regards
restrictions on where a couple can get sundown, rather than sunrise, as the
married. A synagogue, someone’s home, beginning of the day). Even rabbis of the
a park, a non-denominational chapel or more liberal Jewish movements tend to
a banquet hall are all in play, as well as decline requests to officiate during Shabbat,
just about anywhere else. Some rabbis though a growing number of rabbis are
aren’t comfortable officiating in churches willing to consider it.
or sanctuaries of other religions; others

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 if the rabbi can refer you to a colleague who
We’ll email you, free of charge, a curated list of rabbis may be willing to officiate on that day.
and cantors in your area who are likely to be a good fit.

Finding a Rabbi or Cantor to

Officiate at an Interfaith Wedding:
Using InterfaithFamily’s Clergy
Referral System
There are many ways to search for a rabbi
or cantor, including word-of-mouth or even
Google. Although the percentage of Jewish
clergy who officiate at interfaith weddings is
growing, some couples would prefer not to
start their search by asking rabbis whether or
not they officiate at interfaith weddings.

InterfaithFamily’s Jewish clergy referral

service is a resource that can help. Just visit
18Doors Officiation Referral Service and fill
out the officiation request form, and we’ll
email you, free of charge, a curated list of
rabbis and cantors in your area who are likely
to be a good fit for the type of wedding you
are planning. We also refer Jewish clergy that
may be willing to travel.

In part because of these Shabbat restrictions, of which holidays are available and which
Saturday nights are a popular choice for ones aren’t is complicated, and rabbis from Advice for Couples Working
Jewish weddings. Sundays are also popular, different movements differ in their practice. with Two Officiants in a
as are other weekdays. Most important: If a Jewish clergy member Co-Officiated Wedding
says they can’t officiate your wedding Most rabbis and cantors who officiate at
There are a lot of Jewish holidays, major and because of a Jewish holiday, they’re not interfaith weddings are not willing to co-
minor, that have traditionally been off limits fibbing in order to avoid saying no for some officiate with clergy of another faith, though
for celebrating weddings. The question other reason. If you’re set on your date, ask the number who will do so is growing. If

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The most important thing is for you and your partner to decide
whether or not you feel comfortable, supported and respected

you’re using 18Doors clergy referral service s/he is a good fit. Here are some questions
and you’re looking for a rabbi to co- you may want to ask:
officiate, please check the appropriate box
on the online form. 1. Are you willing to work with us to
craft the content of the ceremony,
Good clear communication is essential and do you have limitations on how
when working with two officiants. Many flexible you’re willing to be about the
clergy (of any faith) who are willing to co- ceremony? (For example, if you’re a
officiate may have conditions for doing so, couple that prefers little to no God
and some will want to make case-specific language, this is the time to ask.)
decisions about what they are comfortable
doing. Good communication between 2. What do you charge for a fee, and
the officiants, and between you and both when do you need to be paid? Do
officiants, is crucial so that no one feels you use a letter of agreement?
blindsided or misunderstood. Some rabbis
who co-officiate will recommend specific 3. How much time are you willing to
local clergy of other faiths with whom they spend with us and/or members of
enjoy working. our family if there are important
issues or family dynamics that
require sensitivity?
“Interviewing”
Prospective Officiants 4. How far are you willing to travel to
Your first conversation with a prospective a wedding venue, and what travel
officiant is your “interview,” and it’s your reimbursement might you need?
main opportunity to discern whether or not

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 5. H
 ow would you describe your deputized by the state to act as your officiant. craft a sensitive, respectful and meaningful
approach to working with Good communication is key when working ceremony that strives to balance the
interfaith couples? with officiants who may be unfamiliar aesthetics of Jewish ritual with the need for
with the family dynamics or other issues some cultural translation for family members
6. D
 o you have ritual limitations sometimes in play in interfaith weddings. and guests of other faiths.
or restrictions that we might not
be aware of? If you decide to go this route, there are many When they hire a rabbi or cantor, couples
resources you can consult to incorporate are choosing to pay for a professional to
7. H
 ow much Hebrew and English can Jewish ritual and cultural elements into create a sacred moment that they will
we expect in the service, and how your ceremony. See section 10, Sample remember forever. It’s useful to think
do you work to help guests who Ceremonies and Definitions for Wedding about the clergy fee alongside the other
aren’t Jewish feel included? Programs, for some good ideas. costs associated with weddings today.
The expertise and care couples look for in
8. Do you do dress rehearsals? a wedding cake, a DJ or a photographer
Costs: Clergy Fees all come with fees, and clergy also need to
9. Do you have references we can Jewish clergy fees vary greatly, though make a living.
contact (i.e. other couples)? generally they fall somewhere between
$500–$1,500, depending on many variables. Finally, for co-officiated weddings,
After your initial conversation, the most Fees may include travel costs, or reflect remember to include clergy fees for both
important thing is for you and your the amount of necessary pre-marital work. officiants in your budget.
partner to decide whether or not you feel They also vary by region. Many rabbis and
comfortable, supported and respected. cantors offer a sliding scale if finances are
an obstacle—don’t be afraid to ask for a fee
reduction if this is a factor.
When they hire a rabbi or
Another Option: Wedding
Ceremonies without Jewish Here’s what’s going into the fee: Rabbis cantor, couples are choosing to
Clergy Officiating bring years of seminary training into pay for a professional to create
You can choose to get married without their work with couples, and often spend a sacred moment that they will
having a rabbi or cantor, or any other clergy considerable time preparing the wedding
for that matter. Hiring a justice of the peace, ceremony according to the specific needs
remember forever.
judge or non-denominational officiant are all of each couple. In interfaith weddings,
options. You can also arrange to have a friend rabbis work with each unique couple to

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 Section 2: Elements of
a Jewish Wedding Ceremony
Prior to the chuppah ceremony, Jewish times, a ketubah was a legally binding Modern liberal ketubot (plural) are typically
tradition offers rituals that help mark the document, signed by witnesses, describing spiritual, not legal, covenants between both
days leading up to a couple’s wedding. a groom’s “acquiring” of a bride, and stating partners, and ketubot honoring same-sex
the amount that the groom would have to and interfaith couples abound. Several
pay the bride in case of divorce. In liberal websites, like ketubah.com, and
Ketubah Signing Judaism today, there aren’t many couples Modernketubah. com offer interfaith couples
A ketubah is a “wedding contract.” In ancient who would want to sign a wedding contract a variety of texts and artistic styles. Many
in which one partner “acquires” another. But couples frame their ketubah for display.
2,000 years ago norms were quite different.

In interfaith weddings, rabbis work with each

unique couple to craft a sensitive, respectful
and meaningful ceremony that strives to
balance the aesthetics of Jewish ritual with
the need for some cultural translation for
family members and guests of other faiths.

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 Some rabbis ask couples to have a wedding party processes down the aisle,
ceremonial ketubah signing 20 to 30 with the rabbi going first or simply starting
minutes before the beginning of the the ceremony waiting at the chuppah
wedding ceremony, though the timing (wedding canopy).
can vary. A ketubah signing is a great event
at which to have state marriage license In heterosexual weddings, the processional
documents signed as well. typically continues with the groomsmen
walking single file, followed by the best
Read more about the ketubah here. man, and then the groom with parent(s) on

Prior to the chuppah ceremony, Jewish tradition offers rituals

that help mark the days leading up to a couple’s wedding.

Bedecken (Veiling the Bride) either side of him. Then the bridesmaids
Bedecken, which means “checking to walk single file, followed by the maid of
be certain,” is a Jewish custom that, in honor, and then any other members of the
weddings between a bride and a groom, wedding party (flower girls, ring bearer, etc.).
involves the groom putting a wedding veil Finally, the bride processes with parent(s) on
on the bride shortly before the ceremony. either side. The bride traditionally stands on
The groom gets to “verify” that the bride is the groom’s right, which is the reverse of
in fact the person he means to marry. traditional Christian weddings.
There’s also a lovely version of this ritual for
lesbian weddings here. In same-sex weddings, couples use various
processional configurations. There are no
set Jewish rules regarding the processional,
The Wedding Ceremony just customs, so the processional offers
interfaith couples a great opportunity to
Processional weave in traditions from other faiths or
In traditional Jewish weddings the entire include other cultural elements. Most
couples have music during the processional.

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It’s a good idea to let rabbis or clergy blessing the rabbi invites the couple
of other faiths know beforehand what to sip from the cup. Then comes
music you plan to use. a second short blessing, called the
shehecheyanu in Hebrew. This blessing
Read more about the gives thanks for the delight of reaching
processional here. this wonderful moment.

The Ring Ceremony

Circling In liberal Jewish communities, both
In traditional Jewish heterosexual partners give each other a wedding ring
weddings, at the end of the to symbolize their love and
processional, when the couple has commitment. The rabbi guides each of
arrived at the chuppah, the bride them through a short Hebrew formula
walks slowly around the groom, that translates to: “Behold, with this ring,
circling him seven times. A popular you are made holy to me, according to
variation on traditional circling is for the laws of Moses and Israel.” In
each partner to circle the other three interfaith weddings, some rabbis use an
times, followed by a final, seventh alternative version of this formula that
circle that the couple does together. replaces the words “according
Circling symbolizes the creation of a to the laws of Moses and Israel” with
new home and the intertwining of the different wording (for example, “in
lives of both partners. the eyes of God and humankind”).
The processional
Read more about circling here. offers interfaith The ring ceremony is a good time for
couples a great couples to exchange vows with each
other—something that isn’t part of a
First Blessings: opportunity traditional Jewish ceremony, but which
the First Cup of Wine and to weave in many couples like to include.
a Blessing of Thanks for
this Unique Moment traditions from See sample ring ceremonies here.
The ceremony typically begins with other faiths or
a blessing of the first of two cups of
wine (or grape juice). Wine represents
include other
joy in Judaism, and after reciting the cultural elements.

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 Rabbis or cantors traditionally sing seven blessings that give thanks for the joys of
love, intimacy and marriage, for the creation of humanity and for the community’s happiness.

The Seven Blessings (Sheva After the seven blessings, some rabbis
B’rachot) and the Second will recite another set of traditional
Cup of Wine: an Explanation blessings over the couple. These words,
The ring ceremony concludes the first of known as the “priestly blessings,” ask
two distinct parts of the Jewish wedding God to bless and protect, enlighten
ceremony. The second part of the ceremony and give peace to the couple.
showers blessings upon the couple. Rabbis
or cantors traditionally sing seven blessings Read more about the seven blessings
that give thanks for the joys of love, intimacy and sample programs here.
and marriage, for the creation of humanity
and for the community’s happiness. Most
Jewish officiants sing the blessings in the Breaking the Glass:
original Hebrew and translate each blessing An Explanation
into English. These blessings are ancient, Jewish weddings don’t traditionally end
and a lot of contemporary couples prefer to with a kiss. They end with the smashing
use modern creative translations. Also, the of a glass. In heterosexual weddings, it’s
original wording of the blessings refers only usually the groom who stomps his foot
to heterosexual weddings. Creative Jewish down on a thin glass (wrapped in a cloth
liturgists have written modified versions of for safety), though some couples will do it
these blessings, in Hebrew and in English, together. Many couples also want to have
which honor same-sex weddings. a kiss at the conclusion of their ceremony,
which can fit nicely right before or after the
At the end of the seven blessings, the rabbi smashing of the glass.
blesses a second cup of wine and invites the
couple to take a sip.

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 There are several interpretations of the Read more about breaking
meaning of smashing a glass, as well as the glass here.
There’s a Jewish tradition contemporary alternative interpretations.
called yichud, which means You can also see a fun short video taken
“alone time for the couple.” from a same-sex wedding in which we see Recessional and Alone
both grooms smashing a glass. Time (Yichud)
Right after the glass smash, guests usually
shout “Mazel Tov!” (“May you have good
fortune!”) and other congratulations. Some
couples like to have music resume at this
point, followed immediately by a recessional.
The recessional can be deliberately “messy,”
with the couple heading off down the
aisle and then everyone else simply mixing
and mingling with the guests, or it can be
structured and more formal.

There’s a Jewish tradition called yichud,

which means “alone time for the couple.”
Couples who include yichud in their
wedding take a little time to be alone
together in a private space immediately
following the ceremony. The rabbi usually
mentions, just before the glass smash, that
the couple is going to do this, and may
offer any other short practical instructions
to guests at this point as well. Taking a little
time to be alone together before returning
to your celebrating guests can be rewarding
and grounding.

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 Chuppah (Jewish Wedding Canopy)
Section 3: Ritual Objects and Clothing A chuppah (sometimes spelled “huppah”)
is a Jewish wedding canopy with four
open sides. Jewish wedding ceremonies
typically occur under a chuppah, and this
Ketubah the $250–$500 range, depending on the tradition offers great opportunities for
(For more on what a ketubah is and how degree of customization the couple wants, interfaith couples to integrate elements from
it fits into a wedding, see Elements of a the materials used and the shipping time. multiple traditions.
Jewish Wedding Ceremony.) Framing is a separate cost. Some couples
write and design their own ketubot. A basic chuppah looks like a square piece
Modern ketubot (the plural of ketubah) are of fabric supported by four poles. The poles
personalized works of art, including both stand on the ground and are often held
text and artwork. Today ketubot are typically
spiritual, not legal, covenants between both
partners. In the liberal Jewish world, couples
can consider a wide range of ketubah texts,
including interfaith ketubot, LGBT ketubot,
secular humanist ketubot and more.

Ideas for ketubah texts can be found

here, or at sites like www.ketubah.com,
www.modernketubah.com and
www.ketubah-gallery.com, as well as
in books like The New Jewish Wedding,
Revised, by Anita Diamant. In most modern
Jewish/interfaith weddings, the couple signs
the ketubah about 30 minutes before the
ceremony in the presence of witnesses,
family and the wedding party.

After the wedding, couples usually frame

their ketubot and hang them proudly in their
home. Costs for ordering a ketubah vary
widely, but typically fall somewhere within

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upright by friends of the couple. The poles A Glass to Smash Two Cups of Wine/Grape Juice
can also be free-standing and decorated Most Jewish and interfaith weddings end A typical Jewish wedding ceremony includes
with flowers. Couples can make their own with one (or sometimes both) partners two cups of wine (or grape juice). Wine is
chuppah, use a synagogue’s or rent one. smashing a glass (for an explanation of a Jewish symbol of joy. (Click here for a
There should be enough space inside a the meanings, see Elements of a Jewish description of how these two cups fit into
chuppah for the couple, clergy and a small Wedding Ceremony). You can use any glass the wedding ceremony.) You can use any
table for ritual items like wine glasses. for this purpose. Just make sure it’s thin and cups or glasses for this purpose; however,
will break easily. Wrap the glass in a cloth these cups offer an opportunity to include
The chuppah symbolizes the couple’s home. or put it in a cloth drawstring bag to avoid elements from both families’ histories or
The ancient rabbis compared it to the tent of injury from the broken shards. Some couples traditions. Also, try using white wine or juice
the biblical Abraham, who was famed for his use shops like Mazel Tov Glass or Traditions just in case of spills during the ceremony.
hospitality; his tent had entrances on all four Jewish Gifts that provide kits which allow
sides to signal a message of welcome to you to send them the broken glass shards, Some couples use only kosher certified wine
travelers coming from any direction. which they then make into artistic keepsakes. or grape juice. Most rabbis who officiate

Making or decorating a chuppah offers

opportunities to include various traditions
in the wedding. Partners who are not
Jewish can include materials and patterns
representing their heritage in the chuppah
cloth cover. Some couples use a family
heirloom, such as a grandfather’s tallit
(prayer shawl) or a prized family tablecloth
(from Irish culture), as the chuppah covering.

The costs of making your own chuppah can

be modest, especially if you keep things
simple. You can get everything you need
in one trip to a building supplies store for Most Jewish and interfaith
$100 or less (www.apracticalwedding.com
has a great DIY page called “How to build a
weddings end with one
chuppah”). Prefab kits available online run (or sometimes both)
from about $130 to $250. Rental costs vary partners smashing a glass.
but are often under $100.

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at interfaith weddings don’t require kosher weddings in order to support the industry, finest formalwear. There are some traditional
wine. The rationale behind what makes or in case they have guests who only drink ritual garments that one or both partners
wine kosher goes back to very ancient times kosher wine. may want to wear, and we recommend
when Jews were concerned that wine they discussing your options with a rabbi or
cantor. Some of these items include:

Kippah (Jewish head covering, a.k.a.

“yarmulke”). Traditionally worn by Jewish
men, but sometimes by women too, either
or both partners can don a kippah for the
wedding. You can also request that your
guests wear kippot (plural of kippah), though
if you do you’ll want to provide them with
some. You can order from wholesalers like
www.kippot.com and spend anywhere
from $50 to a few hundred dollars (for
personalized embossed kippot).

There are some traditional

ritual garments that one or both
partners may want to wear, and
we recommend discussing your
options with a rabbi or cantor.

Jewish partners, particularly men,

might buy in the marketplace could have What to Wear at a sometimes like to wear a tallit (ritual fringed
been ritually dedicated to the polytheistic Jewish/Interfaith wedding prayer shawl) during their wedding. In
gods of their neighbors. Today, most liberal There really aren’t any rules here. You can traditional
Jews don’t check whether wine is kosher, get married on a beach with everyone in
but some choose to buy kosher wine for swimwear, or you can tie the knot in the

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Judaism, the tallit symbolizes the commandments of the Torah and the
enveloping and protective presence of the Divine, though not all Jews
who wear a tallit practice traditional Jewish lives. Wearing a tallit that
belonged to a deceased relative, for instance, can add meaning. Some
people take the opportunity of getting married to buy themselves a new
tallit that they plan to use in the future, perhaps in the hope of passing it
down to future generations.

A kittel is a ritual garment that is typically worn by more traditional

grooms. A kittel is a belted white robe, usually made of linen,
symbolizing purity.

A kittel is a ritual garment that is typically worn by

more traditional grooms. A kittel is a belted white
robe, usually made of linen, symbolizing purity.

Finally, some brides wear a bridal veil (and at same-sex weddings,

sometimes both partners do). For info about a fun Jewish wedding
veiling tradition, click here.

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 You can also use your program to share
Section 4: Invitations, Programs and Food other kinds of important information. Some
couples include things like: special thanks
to specific people; dedications in memory
of loved ones; acknowledgments of ritual
Invitations so can help many Jewish guests understand items that are family heirlooms; poems;
Invitations offer a great opportunity to those elements better. For example, popular or even practical things like directions to
communicate some of what you both Christian wedding rituals like reciting vows the reception. You can also get creative
appreciate about each other’s backgrounds (“I dos”), lighting a unity candle and reading with your program’s format and packaging,
and traditions. Whether you’re using an from scripture aren’t necessarily familiar to or use it to give guests a chance to do
online vendor or crafting your own from some Jewish guests. Simple definitions of something active to participate in your
scratch, you can use this first “official” any religiously specific elements of your ceremony (like write down personal wishes
expression about your wedding to ceremony, offered in a warm, inclusive tone, on a provided blank page or use an
share a taste of the interfaith aspects of can help everyone feel welcome. attached bottle of “blowing bubbles” to
your wedding. How you do that really create a flurry of bubbles during the
depends on what best suits the two of you You can search online for wedding recessional). Websites like www.bridalguide.
specifically. Phrasing like “as we honor our program definitions and find many examples. com have some fun ideas.
two faiths” or “we welcome friends and Some of these sites are from vendors who
family of different traditions” can set a hope you’ll use them for your programs. Finally, for guests who are hearing impaired,
tone of inclusion and welcome. Pinterest and Tumblr, and similar online your program can offer information that
interest blogs also offer examples of what helps everyone stay connected to what’s
others have done. happening during your ceremony. Your
Programs program can also help communicate
If you’re having printed programs at your
wedding, they offer an opportunity to
help guests understand aspects of your
service that may be new to them. If you
are including some of the classic Jewish Including simple definitions in your program of any
rituals and blessings in your ceremony, you religiously specific elements of your ceremony can help
can use your program to provide short everyone feel welcome.
definitions of those parts of the service.

Similarly, you can offer brief definitions of

other religious or cultural rituals, and doing

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 useful information for guests who practices, but also in terms of other issues.
are alter-abled, such as a simple map Some couples, for instance, don’t offer
highlighting wheelchair accessible alcoholic beverages if that is helpful in
pathways to the reception, etc. supporting guests who are dealing with
alcoholism. Many wedding caterers will offer
to label food items according to different
Food and Drink guests’ needs.
Food choices at your wedding are
another opportunity to express If you want to have kosher food available
values of inclusivity and to educate at your wedding, plan ahead for what can
guests who may not be familiar with sometimes be a much higher cost. This is
specific religious food practices. especially true for kosher catered meals
Some couples have decisions to involving any kind of meat or poultry. Going
make regarding whether to have
certified kosher food or food that is
limited to other religious traditions’
practices. Some couples opt to limit
Food choices at your wedding are
the food and drink at their wedding another opportunity to express values
to a “common-denominator” set of inclusivity and to educate guests
of foods, offering items that are
who may not be familiar with specific
acceptable to the widest possible
range of anticipated guests. Others religious food practices.
decide to serve what they want while
making sure appropriate alternative
food options are available for guests vegetarian, or just steering around meat
who follow religious or health dietary and poultry, can help reduce costs. If your
practices (like food allergies). desire to have kosher food is based on the
needs of specific guests, talking with them
It’s important to think through in advance can be helpful in determining
your food and drink plans, not just the specifics of what they can and can’t eat,
in terms of honoring sensitivities and what alternatives to kosher catering
to guests with different religious might work for them. At the end of the day,

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 the decisions are yours, and it may not be
possible to fully meet every guest’s optimal
food practice criteria, but as with most issues,
honest and thoughtful communication
usually helps. Your wedding invitation may
be a good place to say what the food and
drink will be like – “all food will be vegan” or
“contact us if you have special dietary needs”
lets guests know that you care about their
food concerns.

Finally, a word about kosher wine. Outside of

the Orthodox Jewish community, few Jews
follow traditional practices regarding kosher
wine. Nevertheless, some interfaith couples
like to include kosher wine, or even limit their
wedding to only kosher wines, in order to
honor Jewish traditions or accommodate
specific guests.

It’s important to think through your

food and drink plans, not just in terms
of honoring sensitivities to guests
with different religious practices, but
also in terms of other issues.

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Section 5: Issues Specific Some Common Elements
of Christian Weddings
to Jewish-Christian Weddings that are Different than
Jewish Weddings

The Procession
In many Christian heterosexual weddings,
the groom does not walk down the aisle,
but waits with the clergy and the
groomsmen at the altar. After the
bridesmaids enter, the bride’s father walks
her down the aisle to her new husband,
and sometimes ministers use the language
of the father “giving away” the bride.
Mothers are usually accompanied down
the aisle just before the formal procession
begins. Same-sex Christian weddings adapt
these traditions in various ways.

Jewish heterosexual weddings usually

start with the chuppah-bearers processing,
followed by the rabbi, the groomsmen, the
groom and his parents, the bridesmaids, and
finally the bride and both of her parents.
Same-sex Jewish wedding processions also
generally begin with the chuppah-bearers,
and continue with each partner being
walked down the aisle by his/her parents.

Vows
In many Christian ceremonies, both
parties recite vows (“I do’s”). This isn’t part

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of a traditional Jewish ceremony, though
similar promises often are part of the
couple’s ketubah.
Jewish-Christian weddings offer many opportunities for couples
to honor both traditions and make their guests feel welcome.

The Kiss and the Pronouncement

Lots of Christian weddings end with a kiss
and the officiant publicly declaring the
new couple to be officially wed. While
there isn’t a kiss in the traditional Jewish
wedding “script,” today most Jewish
weddings include one.

Scripture Readings
Some Christian communities include one
or more readings from the Old or New
Testaments of the Christian Bible. Jewish
wedding ceremonies don’t include any
scriptural readings.

Common Ritual Ground

for Jewish-Christian Weddings
Jewish-Christian weddings offer many
opportunities for couples to honor both
traditions and make their guests feel
welcome. One way to do this is to have
your officiant(s) open the ceremony
with a reading acknowledging both
faiths. 18Doors has several examples
that you can share with your officiant(s)
for discussion.

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There are several Christian and Jewish are now legally wed. And the kiss–everybody sometimes acknowledge both partners’
wedding rituals that emphasize the specific loves a joyful wedding kiss! faiths and their aspirations for how they
theology or beliefs of each faith, and seek to honor their traditions.
some Jewish-Christian couples have The assent of the congregation.
reasons for wanting to include them. This Christian tradition of asking the Circling. The circling of one member of
Often, however, Jewish-Christian couples guests whether they support the couple. the couple around the other, or each
seek out traditions from their respective circling around the other, is a beautiful
faiths that are theologically “neutral” or Vows. Spoken vows, whether in a classic ritual that can be done with music playing,
universal. Here are several examples of “I do” format or personally written and singing or in silence.
Christian and Jewish wedding traditions spoken by each partner to the other.
that are well suited to creating a sense of
universal welcome and respect. Potential Sensitive
From Jewish tradition: Issues in Planning a
Breaking the glass. The groom (or Jewish-Christian Wedding
From various Christian traditions: sometimes either or both partners)
Lighting of a Unity Candle. This tradition concludes the ceremony by stomping Some potential sensitive issues are:
involves three candles. Usually, the mothers on a glass. Use of names of God that are very specific
to either Judaism or Christianity (like
“Adonai” or “Jesus”). Some guests may
feel uncomfortable due to their personal
There are several Christian and Jewish wedding rituals that religious beliefs, a sense of historical
persecution, ideas about closed community
emphasize the specific theology or beliefs of each faith.
or a sense of exclusion. Referring to God as
“God,” “the Creator,” “Source of Life,” etc.
can help bridge the different theologies.
Clergy with interfaith wedding experience
of the couple each light one of the taper Chuppah. The wedding canopy creates a can help you plan the God-language of
candles. During the ceremony, the couple cozy and often beautiful visual framing for your ceremony.
each take one of the taper candles and the wedding.
light the pillar candle together. 18Doors has Christian clergy sometimes tell guests
sample unity candle ceremonies. Ketubah. Many interfaith couples “let us pray,” ask them to bow their heads,
now incorporate ketubahs into their or ask them to kneel. These are ritual
The kiss and the pronouncement. wedding ceremony and have it read moments that aren’t familiar to many Jewish
The announcement that the two partners aloud. Contemporary interfaith ketubahs guests, and they may feel uncomfortable

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 Scriptural readings from the Hebrew
Bible (a.k.a. the Old Testament) and
the New Testament. Having a reading
from both sources follows the pattern
many Christian denominations use in
Sunday services and at weddings. The

Each couple needs to decide

what’s right for them, and
experienced clergy who are
caring and sensitive to interfaith
couples can help think these
issues through with you.

being asked to do these things. Talk through any translation or explanation makes main sensitivity arises for some Jewish
the elements of your ceremony with each some guests feel left out or lost during guests who feel uncomfortable with New
other and your officiant(s) and consider the ceremony. Translations and little Testament texts that refer to Jesus or use
giving your guests a little advanced notice explanatory blurbs in your program can be other Christological language. And of
of ceremonial elements that might be very helpful. If you’re working with a rabbi course, there may be Christian guests who
outside their comfort zones. You can do or cantor, ask them for a sense of how they feel uncomfortable if there’s no mention of
so by offering a brief explanation in your work with Hebrew and how they help foster Jesus at all. Each couple needs to decide
program or having your officiant(s) say a feeling of inclusion for Christian guests what’s right for them, and experienced
something. Giving guests permission to and family members. clergy who are caring and sensitive to
participate or not in these kinds of ritual interfaith couples can help think these issues
moments can also be helpful. Jewish weddings often include the sharing through with you.
of wine. Some Christian traditions don’t
Jewish weddings often include a fair allow the consumption of alcohol. Grape
amount of Hebrew. Using Hebrew without juice is a great substitute!

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 are a few resources for some of the more
Section 6: Issues Specific to frequently occurring pairings.

Jewish-Muslim, Jewish-Hindu
and Jewish-Buddhist Weddings Muslim-Jewish Weddings
As a religion of over a billion people, Islam
incorporates a tremendous variety of
Although the majority of interfaith weddings people of many different religions is growing. cultural and religious practices. The best way
involving a Jew are Jewish-Christian While we can’t offer advice about all the to learn about the specific traditions, rituals
weddings, the number of Jews marrying possible combinations in this guide, here and beliefs that are relevant to your wedding
is for both partners to talk and learn together,
and, whenever possible, to include family
members in those conversations.

That said, there are some basic elements

to most Muslim weddings. Just as there
is a ketubah signing in traditional Jewish
weddings, the signing of a wedding contract
is a key element of Muslim weddings.
There’s a ceremony known as nikah in
which a groom proposes to the bride in
front of two witnesses and the bride publicly
assents to be married three times.

The assumption in most online resources

about Muslim weddings is that the couple
is heterosexual. For same-sex weddings
between Jewish-Muslim couples, finding
supportive clergy and/or friends in both
religious communities may be essential to
planning your ceremony. One potentially
helpful resource is the LGBTQI resource
section of Muslims for Progressive Values’
website.

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Because of the ritual simplicity of most ceremonies. There are many customs and As we become aware of good online
Muslim wedding ceremonies, there’s lots of rituals involved in Hindu weddings, and the resources for same-sex Jewish-Hindu
room for creative blending of Jewish and specifics of how both partners relate to their couples, we’ll be happy to add links here.
Islamic traditions. Some Muslim weddings respective families may be a big factor in
include the recitation of the first chapter your wedding planning.
(sura) of the Qur’an, which is a brief set of Buddhist-Jewish Weddings
verses asking God for guidance and offering There are some Hindu wedding rituals that Buddhism is practiced in dozens of
devotion and commitment to God. One resemble Jewish ones, such as a wedding countries by half a billion people. Buddhist
popular custom before the wedding, is canopy and a ritual involving the couple wedding ceremonies contain little in terms
for the bride to have a party in which her circling around a fire seven times. Colorful of required rituals, but the specific culture of
hands and feet are painted in henna: a traditional clothing and the symbolic offering a Buddhist family can have many beautiful
traditions and customs. A Buddhist wedding
doesn’t require a monk, nun or other clergy,
Many rabbis, including those who co-officiate with clergy of though couples may visit with a monk or
nun prior to their wedding for guidance.
other faiths, may have issues with polytheistic ceremonial
elements of a wedding that blends Jewish and Hindu traditions. Because simplicity characterizes the
Buddhist religious elements of a wedding,
there’s lots of room for Jewish wedding
custom also popular among Jews of Middle of gifts to some of the Hindu gods are also customs and rituals to weave into a shared
Eastern origin. aspects of the Hindu rites. Because Judaism ceremony. If you’re hoping to involve
is a monotheistic religion that traditionally a rabbi, be aware that some rabbis are
frowns on “graven images” and making uncomfortable with the presence of statues
Hindu-Jewish Weddings offerings to multiple deities, Jewish-Hindu representing the Buddha in ceremonies
Classically Hindu weddings are officiated by couples might need to do some theological they are helping to officiate, because
a priest and can average three days, with negotiating to plan a ceremony that works of traditional Judaism’s prohibition on
different ceremonial elements taking place for them, and potentially for their respective representing the Divine with images.
on successive days. In North America these families. Also, many rabbis, including those
weddings can be much shorter, though they who co-officiate with clergy of other faiths, As we become aware of good online
are likely to last at least a few hours. As with may have issues with polytheistic ceremonial resources for same-sex Jewish-Buddhist
Muslim weddings, many brides are painted in elements of a wedding that blends Jewish couples, we’ll be happy to add links here.
henna before the main wedding and Hindu traditions.

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Other Combinations!
The internet offers a wealth of resources Section 7: Managing Family Dynamics
describing the traditions and customs
of weddings in every part of the world. and Planning Your Wedding
Sometimes culture is an even bigger factor
than religion. For example, Mexican or Most families are complicated, and when with key family members in mind can
Japanese cultural wedding practices cover two people decide to marry, they face require a lot of thought and energy. Planning
everything from clothing to music to food. important questions involving their relatives. a wedding is one of the first major joint
While there can be complexity involved in A wedding brings two of these complex projects a lot of couples take on together,
planning your wedding, the opportunity and sometimes messy family systems into and by communicating honestly and
for learning, curiosity, joy and excitement relationship with each other. compassionately with each other, they
is remarkable. A number of websites can build strength and confidence.
offer general information about wedding Because families have histories, traditions
traditions, including advice on etiquette for and sometimes also misunderstandings or When people of different faiths marry,
wedding guests. feuds, navigating your wedding planning sometimes the interfaith aspect of the

A Final Thought: Should We Have

Two Ceremonies?
Some couples decide to have separate
wedding ceremonies in order to allow both
of their traditions to be fully expressed.
Sometimes couples do this if the family
of one partner lives overseas and can’t
travel. Other couples do it if they find they
aren’t able to blend traditions into a single
ceremony that satisfies them and/or other
important people in their lives. This is a
personal decision that comes with its own
challenges and expenses.

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wedding adds more layers of complexity, and identify where the challenges are. If the couples to think of the talents and creative
and sometimes disagreements with family challenges include issues related to your skills their relatives have to offer, and, based
members about faith issues mask or distort being an interfaith couple, make a note of on those skills, come up with projects that
other underlying family issues. that. Remember to also identify strengths are part of the wedding itself. Baking, singing,
within your families. Who are the relatives jewelry making, embroidery, quilting and
So what can you do to approach the family who could potentially help you navigate a even puppetry can all be woven into a
dynamics that are in play as you plan your tricky family situation? Who could you ask to creative wedding ceremony or a festive meal
wedding? Here are several strategies that be in your corner for advice? following a wedding. If you know you have
may be helpful: relatives with complex or conflicted feelings
about your interfaith wedding, sometimes
Invite People inviting them to contribute something to
Make a “Family Issues and Strengths” to Get Involved Creatively your wedding based on a talent of theirs can
Inventory Together Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer, the author of The help create an emotional opening for them.
Chart out your extended families together Creative Jewish Wedding Book, encourages
If you are “blending” families and bringing
children from previous relationships into
your marriage, it’s important to offer
meaningful opportunities for them to
participate in the planning of your wedding
and the ceremony itself. Pinterest has a
great collection of ideas for including kids
from previous relationships in weddings.

“Surrender” Parts of
Your Wedding to Relatives
Some family members can’t help but want
to take control of your wedding. One
strategy that sometimes creates a “win-win”
in these situations is to offer to let this family
member be in charge of a part of your
wedding that isn’t centrally important to you.

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Patiently “Love Bomb” a your lives. Of course, even though patience same time. Couples who can work as a
Difficult Relative and acceptance often help soothe family team to determine what they’re willing to be
18Doors has a great personal story conflicts, sometimes it’s important for flexible about and what they need to be firm
describing a couple faced with a Jewish couples to set boundaries with difficult about will find that that skill set is important
grandmother who was not initially accepting family members. for family life in general, and especially
of their interfaith wedding, and who planned helpful in planning a wedding!
to skip it. Having her be present was deeply
important to the couple. Accepting that they Humility, not Humiliation
couldn’t make her feelings change, they Humility is a good human quality, but
sought out repeated opportunities to spend humility is not the same as humiliation.
time with her, and the partner who wasn’t If you face relatives who treat either of
Jewish went on a charm offensive that you with deliberate malice, or who seek
ultimately worked. Sometimes being wanted to embarrass or shame either of you, If you know you have relatives
and being loved patiently shifts the heart. sometimes the healthy thing to do is decide with complex or conflicted
Sometimes not. But sometimes it’s worth not to continue being treated that way. That
a try. And remember, even a relative who might involve both of you respectfully telling
feelings about your interfaith
doesn’t attend a wedding can have a shift in the person how you feel or it might involve wedding, sometimes inviting
feelings later. distancing yourselves. These are painful them to contribute something
decisions. One of the most important things
to your wedding based on a
interfaith (or any) couples can do for each
Ch-ch-ch-changes… other is make their dignity and emotional talent of theirs can help create
Rabbi Julie Greenberg writes,“Families security their top priority. an emotional opening for them.
are constantly re-configuring.” Cultivating
acceptance, openness and compassionate
understanding for the different ways family “Flexigidity”
members initially respond to big changes in Flexigidity is a term coined by Gidi Grinstein,
their families is good life prep for the greater and it basically means what it sounds like:
reality that family life will bring many the quality of being flexible about some
emotionally layered changes throughout things and rigid about other things at the

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Section 8: Pre-marital Counseling

Seeking out some wisdom and advice about thought that was important?
healthy and successful marriages is good
common sense, regardless of whether a How do you feel about having and raising
couple is interfaith or not. Even if a couple children? What values do you want to teach
rarely has disagreements or fights, marriage them, and what religious choices do you
is such a big life decision that everyone want to make in raising them? If you face
planning a wedding can benefit from some infertility, how do you feel about adoption?
pre-marital counseling, whether with a Are you aware of the importance of genetic
clergy person or a therapist. testing for interfaith couples? (An easy way
to get tested is with JScreen.) If either of you
Clergy tend to draw on their experiences already have kids, how are you planning to
working with couples and families at every co-parent them?
stage of life, and they look to the core
values of their traditions when they How do you both work through issues
advise couples. Therapists tend to approach relating to finances, sex and tidiness in
pre-marital counseling based on their the home? These are areas that many
training in psychology and family dynamics, couples find challenging at times.
as well as their experiences working with
couples and families navigating different Illness and death aren’t fun to talk about,
challenging situations. but they’re important parts of family life. Are
you going to set up a will and an advanced
Some of the questions couples typically directive/living will?
explore in pre-marital counseling include:
What are your life goals? Where do they
How do you communicate, especially about overlap and where might they be in tension?
sensitive or difficult topics? If either of you
felt your marriage was in crisis, what would How do each of you relate to your
you do? Would you agree to go to couples’ respective families, and what do you need to
counseling in the future if either of you prepare for in that regard?

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For further reading, Meg Keene has a meaningful pre-marital counseling. If that’s a saying: ‘If we spent half as much time
great article on how she and her husband not a part of what they do in preparing for planning our marriages as we do planning
benefited from pre-marital counseling with a wedding, finding another option for this our weddings, there’d be a lot less divorce.’”
her rabbi. important work is a good idea. We agree, and wish you good fortune,
wisdom and insight as you plan for your
marriage as well as your wedding!
An Opportunity to Learn More Finding Pre-Marital Counseling
about Each Other Resources Near You
For interfaith couples, pre-marital counseling 18Doors offers some wonderful local
is an opportunity to take the time to talk resources in several of our Innovation Hubs
in depth about how you both feel about and Fellowship Cities. If you live in one of
religion, spirituality, family and rituals. these metro areas, check out the web page
Discovering what you each think about associated with your city for information
these issues is important, but so is learning about courses, meet-ups, social gatherings
and opportunities to be connected
with other interfaith couples, including
“mentors.” Several of our regions offer
“If we spent half as much time Love and Religion classes for engaged or
planning our marriages as we seriously dating couples. If you don’t live
do planning our weddings, in one of these cities, feel free to contact
18Doors' national office at
there’d be a lot less divorce.” [email protected] if you have questions or
are looking for local resources for pre-
marital counseling. Many local Jewish
how you process these issues together. It Federations and Jewish Community
takes practice to learn the communication Centers also offer excellent pre-marital
and negotiation skills that are important for workshops and resources for interfaith
any successful marriage. couples.

If you’re having a rabbi or other clergy A final thought: One graduate of a recent
person officiate your wedding, hopefully Love and Religion class told an
they will seek to involve you in some interviewer, “My grandfather used to have

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Section 9: Before the Wedding:
Connecting with Other Couples
Connecting with other interfaith couples and Feel free to contact InterfaithFamily’s national social events and classes for interfaith
families is a great way to share experiences, office at [email protected] if you have couples. More and more synagogues have
wisdom, questions and mutual support. questions or are looking for local resources social and support groups for interfaith
Whether it’s through a religious organization for connecting with others. couples too.
or through friends, finding people who
understand some of the dynamics interfaith Many local Jewish Federations and Jewish
couples often navigate can help in many Community Centers also offer workshops,
ways. Workshops and classes offered by
synagogues, community centers and other
religious communities can sometimes
be terrific—the key is to make sure that
whomever is offering these sessions is
genuinely supportive and affirming of
interfaith couples, and not pursuing a
conversion agenda.

18Doors offers some wonderful local

resources in several cities. If you live in one
of the metro areas our offices serve, check
out the web page associated with your city
for information about courses, meet-ups,
social gatherings and opportunities to be
connected with other interfaith couples
including “mentors.” 18Doors also offers
practical and invaluable Love and Religion
classes for seriously dating or engaged
couples.

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 We offer examples of different options
Section 10: Sample for several components of the wedding

Ceremonies and ceremony, including:

Definitions for Blessings over the Wine

Wedding Programs Exchange of Rings

The Seven Blessings: Alternative Wordings

We live in a time when couples have a huge and Explanations
range of choices about the words and
rituals they can choose from in planning Breaking the Glass
their wedding ceremony. If you’re working
with a rabbi, cantor or officiant of another We also have examples of ceremony
faith, s/he will probably provide you elements that come from outside Jewish
with some specific ceremony texts and tradition, but which are popular among
outlines to consider, as well as ideas for many interfaith couples, such as:
incorporating specific elements you may
want. Many clergy are open to suggestions Lighting a Unity Candle
or changes from the specific words and
rituals they typically use, though some are Exchanging Vows
more flexible than others, so it’s a good
idea to find out early on if the person If you’re looking for examples of full
you’re working with is a good match wedding ceremonies to explore, consider:
for your needs.
Many clergy are open to A Jewish-Catholic Ceremony from
suggestions or changes from We have many samples of different Rabbi Devon Lerner
parts of Jewish and interfaith wedding
the specific words and rituals
ceremonies that you may want to browse, The Knot’s “Sample Wedding
they typically use, though some including alternative English translations to Ceremony Scripts”
are more flexible than others. some of the traditional Hebrew blessings.

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There are also books with sample Seid, Judith. God-Optional Judaism:
ceremonies, including: Alternatives for Cultural Jews Who Love
Their History, Heritage and Community
Diamant, Anita. The New Jewish Wedding, (Citadel Press, 2001) (Specifically the
Revised. (Scribner, 2001) chapter on weddings, p. 165–179)

Foley, Michael P. Wedding Rites: You can also always ask an officiant you’re
The Complete Guide to Traditional considering working with if they would be
Vows, Music, Ceremonies, Blessings, willing to show you examples of
and Interfaith Services. (Eerdmans, 2008) ceremonies or rituals that they have used in
the past.
Kaplan-Meyer, Gabriele. The Creative
Jewish Wedding: A Hands-on Guide to
New & Old Traditions, Ceremonies &
Celebrations. (Jewish Lights Publishing,
2004)

Lerner, Devon. Celebrating Interfaith

Marriages: Creating Your Jewish/Christian
Ceremony. (Owl Books, 1999)

Matlins, Stuart M., ed. The Perfect

Stranger’s Guide to Wedding
Ceremonies. (Skylight Paths Publishing,
2000)

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