ARTICLE

Perks, problems, and the people who play: A qualitative

exploration of dominant and submissive BDSM roles
Ali Hébert 1 and Angela Weaver 1
1 Department of Psychology, St. Francis Xavier University, Antigonish, NS

Many bondage-discipline, domination-submission, sadomasochism (BDSM) practitioners identify as primarily

dominant or primarily submissive. In the current study, BDSM practitioners with self-identified preferences for
dominance or for submission described the traits that they feel make them well suited for their preferred
BDSM role, their perceptions of benefits and challenges of BDSM generally, and the benefits and challenges
of their preferred role. Semi-structured interviews were completed with 9 dominants and 12 submissives and
explored using thematic analysis. Participants described dominants as empathic and nurturing, desiring and
able to take control, and attentive and responsible, while submissives were characterized as willing to give
up control and having a desire to please. Interviewees described ways in which their BDSM role fit with their
overall personality, as well as incongruities between their role in BDSM play and their day-to-day personas.
The general benefits of BDSM mentioned by the participants for both roles were pleasure from pleasuring
others, physical pleasure and arousal, fun, variety, and going beyond vanilla, personal growth, improved
romantic relationships, community, psychological release, freedom from day-to-day roles, and being yourself.
Participants also discussed the dominant-specific benefits of control or power, rewards, and confidence, and
the submissive-specific benefit of giving up control. In addition to the shared challenges and risks of stigma,
relationship problems, and accepting desires reported, dominant-specific issues of more work and respon-
sibility and possessive submissives, and submissive-specific issues of vulnerability, bad dominants, and
following orders and accepting decisions were addressed by participants. Implications and directions for
future research are discussed.

KEY WORDS: BDSM, sadomasochism, dominant, submissive, qualitative research

INTRODUCTION their sexual activity and only 11.2% engaged exclusively in

BDSM during sexual situations. Still others engage in 24/7
The acronym BDSM encompasses three subtypes of sexual relationships, that is, relationships in which the members are
variation. B/D stands for bondage and discipline, which refers constantly in role (Brame, 2000; Moser, 1988).
to the act of using restraints, both physical and psychological. According to a large telephone study conducted by Richters,
D/S signifies domination and submission and describes one de Visser, Rissel, Grulich, and Smith (2008) on a representative
person taking control while another gives over control. Finally, sample of 19,307 Australians, 2.2% of sexually active men and
S/M includes two complementary categories: sadism, deriving 1.3% of sexually active women had engaged in BDSM activities
pleasure from the pain or humiliation of others, and masoch- in the previous year. When one considers a broader concep-
ism, deriving pleasure from one’s own pain or humiliation. tualization of behaviours that could be considered consistent
Together these components create BDSM, a tremendously with BDSM, a majority of university students (65%) report
varied and often misunderstood form of consensual sexual/ fantasizing about being tied up or about tying up someone
relational expression. BDSM can be seen as anything from else (62%; Renaud & Byers, 1999).
simply an occasional sexual practice to a sexual identity or Previous research examining BDSM has tended to consider
orientation to a lifestyle (Kolmes, Stock, & Moser, 2006). Al- BDSM practitioners as a group, without delineating preferred
though BDSM is often associated with sexual activity in role in BDSM activities. Existing research tends to lump dom-
popular culture, some BDSM activities involve no sexual con- inants and submissives together and has not considered the
tact whatsoever (Weinberg, Williams, & Moser, 1984). In ways in which dominants and submissives are each unique.
Connolly’s (2006) questionnaire-based study of BDSM practi- Although submission and domination are certainly com-
tioners, 32% reported that BDSM made up less than half of plementary, those who partake in either role may do so for

Correspondence concerning concerning this article should be addressed to Angela Weaver, Ph.D., Department of Psychology, St. Francis Xavier
University, PO Box 5000, Antigonish, NS, Canada, B2G 2W5. E-mail: [email protected]

The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467 49
Ali Hébert and Angela Weaver

different reasons and experience different benefits and chal- either the dominant or the submissive role and the perceived
lenges. Also, there appear to be two, seemingly opposing, benefits and challenges of BDSM as a whole and of partici-
stereotypes associated with the congruence between a person’s pants’ preferred BDSM role. The study was intended to com-
preferred BDSM role and his or her personality outside of the plement recent quantitative studies exploring personality
BDSM context. One stereotype is that a person’s BDSM role characteristics associated with preferences for dominance or
is the same as one’s personality; thus, submissives are submis- submission (e.g., Hébert & Weaver, 2014). The qualitative
sive at all times and dominants are always dominant (Easton study was intended to give BDSM practitioners a voice in this
& Hardy, 2003). The other stereotype is that there is a mis- exploration. Our expectations about the development of partic-
match, such as the stereotype of a powerful CEO of a large ipants’ identities as BDSM practitioners, as well as their per-
company who wants to be dominated by his wife after work. ceptions of benefits and challenges of BDSM, were guided by
However, without empirical research it is difficult to deter- social constructionism (for an application of social construc-
mine whether there is any basis for these beliefs. Further re- tionism to a sexuality identity development – specifically gay
search is needed to explore the differences, and similarities, SM identity – see Chaline, 2010). Specifically, Simon and
between BDSM roles (Cross & Matheson, 2006). Two recent Gagnon’s Sexual Script theory proposes that sexual behaviour
studies, Hébert and Weaver (2014) and Wismeijer and van is shaped by, and must be understood in terms of, socio-
Assen (2013), examined personality characteristics across two cultural factors (Gagnon & Simon, 1973; Simon & Gagnon,
groups of BDSM practitioners: those who identify as domi- 1986). They further proposed that three levels of scripts shape
nant and those who identify as submissive. The results sug- an individual’s own sexual script: cultural scripts (e.g., social
gested that there are some personality characteristics that norms); interpersonal scripts (e.g., learned in specific cultural
differ between these two groups of BDSM practitioners. How- contexts); and intrapsychic (e.g., an individual’s own goals,
ever, as both of these studies were questionnaire-based and desires). Thus, we assumed that our participants would grad-
quantitative, it was desirable to provide the ‘‘voice’’ of BDSM ually have formed scripts for BDSM, and for their particular
practitioners within the current study by means of qualitative preferred BDSM roles, based on multiple sources of informa-
examination and the rich data that this methodology could tion at these three levels (e.g., media representations of BDSM,
produce to accompany the quantitative research. Therefore, connections to the BDSM community, exploring personal
the first goal of the current study was to examine the aspects motivation) and that these scripts would be complex and
of personality that BDSM practitioners feel relate to their evolving. Although themes related specifically to identity de-
preference for one role more than the other. velopment are beyond the scope of the current manuscript,
Although books written by and for BDSM practitioners we expected that participants would report diverse stories
routinely describe the positives of these practices, it is only about their identity development as BDSM practitioners. In-
relatively recently that researchers have begun to explore the deed, participants theorized about intrinsic interests as well
possible advantages. Nichols (2006), based on her extensive as interests gradually shaped later in life (e.g., due to a partner
background of more than 20 years providing therapy for initiating BDSM exploration), similar to the recent results of
kinky clients, proposed numerous advantages of BDSM, such Yost and Hunter (2012).
as personal empowerment, improved communication between
partners, excitement because of the diversity and taboo nature,
METHOD
and spiritual benefits. It has also been argued to be cathartic,
allowing for both physical and mental release; indeed, some Participants
professional dominatrices consider their role to be similar to
that of a therapist (Lindemann, 2011). Moreover, Kleinplatz The participants were 21 adults who self-identified as BDSM
(2006) and colleagues (2009) suggests that ‘vanilla’ couples practitioners; 9 identified as dominant and 12 as submissive.
can learn a great deal from BDSM practitioners, from the im- More specifically, there were three female dominants, six
portance of communication to the potential for optimal sex- male dominants, eight female submissives, and four male sub-
ual experiences. Thus, some potential benefits of BDSM have missives. Participants were not required to indicate their cur-
been suggested in popular literature and, in a few cases, within rent age, but of those who did (n ¼ 14) the average age was
empirical research. However, more research on the positive as- 30.4, with a range of 20 to 61 years. Participants described
pects of BDSM is needed, especially because previous research diverse relationship statuses (e.g., single, open relationships,
has not explored the positive aspects of the dominant and sub- monogamous marriages). Most participants were involved in
missive roles specifically. Therefore, a second major goal of the their local BDSM communities, although some reported prac-
current study was to explore perceived benefits and challenges ticing BDSM only privately.
associated with BDSM generally, and the benefits and chal- In describing the participants’ BDSM interests, one com-
lenges specific to the dominant or submissive role. plication must be discussed: many of the participants stressed
the importance of using the correct terminology, especially
The Current Study when it came to their BDSM roles. Previous research appears
to have treated dominant, top, and sadist as roughly synony-
The current study was designed to explore the characteristics mous and submissive, bottom, and masochist as equivalent
of BDSM practitioners with self-identified preferences for (e.g., Yost, 2010). Some participants preferred and identified

50 The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467
 Perks, problems, and the people who play

with specific terms, which were not only dominant or submis- larger themes. This author then began constructing a code-
sive or even only dominant, submissive, top, bottom, sadist, or book in which the meaning of the transcripts was organized
masochist. A host of different terms were used to describe their into categories based on relationships between different ex-
preferred roles, each of which means something specific and pressed ideas (Guest et al., 2012). These codes were then
complex in the BDSM community and/or to the individual. sorted and combined into potential themes (Braun & Clarke,
As such, the premise that this study looked at dominants as 2006). Once the data had been sorted into potential themes,
compared to submissives is an oversimplification. In reality, these themes were reviewed to confirm that they were coher-
the study sample represented a diverse range of BDSM roles, ent and well supported. Transcripts were re-read once again
which have been split into those at the top of the power at this point to ensure that these themes accurately reflected
dynamic (e.g., dominant, gentle dominant, sadist) and those the data and that all relevant data had been included in the
at the bottom (e.g., slave, pet, service-oriented submissive). themes (Guest et al., 2012). Using the codebook, the second
These categories will continue to be referred to as dominants author coded a five-page selection from three randomly
and submissives (the most commonly used terms) throughout selected interviews. Then the authors met to compare coding
the study for clarity and anonymity, but it is important to with the goal of consensus. Any differences between coders
note that such descriptors do not fully capture the diversity were resolved through discussion and/or through revisions to
within the spectrum of interests, roles, and practices. the themes themselves (e.g., collapsing across themes if there
was overlap) or by refining the coding manual (e.g., adding
Procedure greater detail to codes as new text relating to these themes
was encountered in subsequent interviews). This was a recur-
Following research ethics board approval, participants were
sive process in which the initial codebook categories or themes
recruited via a combination of Reddit (a social news website
were identified and defined early on to guide subsequent cod-
with several forums focused on BDSM and sexuality where
ing, but were constantly revised as each transcript was coded
information about the study was posted), word-of-mouth, and
and new connections were discovered between codes (Guest
snowball sampling wherein participants were asked if they
et al., 2012). NVivo software, a program commonly used for
could recommend the study to other BDSM practitioners.
qualitative data analysis, was used to store and organize the
Potential participants who responded to the posts were e-
transcription data.
mailed an invitation to participate indicating that choosing
to schedule and complete an interview implied consent, and
an interview time was then arranged.
RESULTS
Semi-structured phone or Skype interviews were conducted
and recorded for later transcription. All efforts were taken to Several themes were identified within each broad topic (per-
ensure that the participants felt safe and comfortable and every sonality characteristics, benefits, and challenges) and these
interview was overseen by the second author, a registered themes are described in the following sections and are listed
clinical psychologist. The interviews covered a broad range in Table 1. Note that the study resulted in additional themes
of topics, such as history with BDSM, personality and its con- that are beyond the scope and purpose of the current manu-
nection to role, and motivations for, and behaviours during, script. For each theme, it is noted whether each theme was
BDSM play. The average interview length was 50 minutes shared (relevant to both roles) or dominant- or submissive-
(range 25–77 minutes). Participants were offered the chance specific.
to enter a lottery to receive a choice of either a $50 gift cer-
tificate to Amazon.com or a $50 donation to a charity that Personality Characteristics
supports healthy sexuality.
The following characteristics were mentioned by participants
as being either ones that they possessed, ones that people they
Analysis
knew possessed, and even ones that individuals in each role
Thematic analysis, following the guidelines of Braun and should possess. Participants named a variety of their own
Clarke (2006) and Guest, MacQueen, and Namey (2012) was personality characteristics, as well as characteristics of their
used to explore the data. Thematic analysis is a widely used partners and friends who identify with the opposite role.
and flexible technique for exploring patterns in qualitative Within this topic, it is important to consider the relation-
data. It is particularly well suited for examining similarities ship between an individual’s everyday personality and his or
and differences and summarizing the most important find- her BDSM role. There are stereotypes regarding this link, but
ings of an extensive data set, which this study aimed to do. almost all participants named personality characteristics that
Each interview was transcribed verbatim and then these tran- were congruent with their roles, as well as traits that were
scripts were read repeatedly to ensure familiarity with the incongruent. Furthermore, for several participants, BDSM
data (Braun & Clarke, 2006). During this stage, preliminary simply provides a different framework to express his or her
notes were taken on coding ideas to be used in the subsequent everyday personality. One dominant in a 24/7 relationship
analysis. Next, the first author coded each interview, initially stated,
in great detail, and then with an increasing emphasis on

The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467 51
Ali Hébert and Angela Weaver

Table 1. Topics and Themes You may be classified as a dominant in one aspect of your life or
could be a dominant in pretty much all. Like myself, I classify as a
Topic Theme dominant personality. I’m also an incredibly laid back kind of fella,
so it’s kinda hard to put your finger on it.
Personality Willingness to Give up Control (Submissives)
Characteristics Desire to Please (Submissives)
A male submissive stated,
Empathic and Nurturing (Dominants)
Desire and Ability to Take Control (Dominants)
My submissiveness is part of who I am . . . I’ve always heard, people
Attentive and Responsible (Dominants)
heard talk about . . . having the collar put on and turning on the
Benefits Pleasure from Pleasuring Others (Both)
switch and getting into submissive mode. To me, it never turns off.
Physical Pleasure and Arousal (Both)
I’m always in that mode. I’m always in service mode, trying to
Fun, Variety, and Going Beyond Vanilla (Both)
please.
Personal Growth (Both)
Improved Romantic Relationships (Both)
Community (Both) On the other hand, there were participants who did feel
Psychological Release (Both) that their roles were distinct from their everyday personal-
Freedom from day-to-day roles (Both) ities. One female submissive explained, ‘‘Usually I’m a very
Being Yourself (Both) competitive person. I dislike orders from anyone. I’ve always
Control or Power (Dominants) been told that I’m bossy and I’ve always got high scores in
Rewards (Dominants) being a leader . . . it’s a break free from your real world.’’
Confidence (Dominants) Interestingly, however, she later described her BDSM role as
Giving up Control (Submissives) a more authentic version of herself. She stated, ‘‘I don’t really
Challenges Stigma (Both) see BDSM as much of role-playing as much as letting go and
Relationship Problems (Both)
just being who you are.’’ A submissive woman described the
Accepting Desires (Both)
relief of exploring a different aspect of self during a scene,
More Work and Responsibility (Dominants)
Possessive Submissives (Dominants)
During my day-to-day life I’m used to being the one in control. In
Vulnerability (Submissives)
fact, I don’t think anyone would know that our relationship was the
Bad Dominants (Submissives)
way it was behind closed doors just from the way we act. I tend to
Following Orders and Accepting Decisions
be very in charge and I don’t hesitate to take control. . . At the end of
(Submissives)
the day it’s so much fun to go home and, and shrug that off and just
to be able to let someone else tell you what to do for a while, even if
you may not necessarily like what they’re telling you to do. Like, you
I thoroughly enjoy having a submissive . . . I love making decisions know, maybe you don’t like cooking dinner but it’s fun to play at not
and sometimes it is a burden and I get tired and I say, ‘‘You pick having the power because you know you have to go back the next
where we go eat,’’ but mostly I do, you know, it fits in with my day and take up that mantle all over again.
personality and what I like and D/s has sort of allowed us to take
our personalities to, you know, you give it a language and take it to One female dominant captures the nuanced nature of the
a different level. comparison between a real world persona and a BDSM role
when she stated,
Another dominant said, ‘‘Who I am as a person inside my
soul is the same way that I am in my scenes, most of my I know a lot of slaves that, outside of their D/s relationship are very
scenes.’’ Similarly, another dominant said, dominant, are attorneys, are leaders in the community. So, just be-
cause someone’s a submissive slave doesn’t mean they’re mousy.
I feel that my dominatrix character, so to speak, in the scene, is very It doesn’t mean they’re always like, with their heads bowed, looking
much an extension of myself and who I am, while at the same time for direction. I know some people that are slaves that are very much
being an exaggeration of traits that might be really obnoxious or out there. Loud, you know. The centre of the party. . . attorneys,
off-putting in the right situation. . . . I don’t feel like I ever step into high-profile office managers. . . Other slaves are what you would
a different person. . . . I have natural leadership tendencies where imagine, very passive and obedient and follow orders.
submissives naturally flock to me and when I’m put into groups,
people quite often look to me to kind of direct the group. . . . As many of the personality characteristics discussed centre
around the division of power, it is important to consider the
For several of these participants, their BDSM roles were so participants’ thoughts on the relative power associated with
much in line with their personalities that even their careers either role. Within BDSM it may seem like the dominant has
were a reflection of it. For example, one submissive described all the power; however, all but one participant disagreed with
thriving on her work in a service position, ‘‘I don’t mind this idea. Most argued that the power was equal, but that
doing it, like I know a lot of people that work in service posi- power is exchanged during the scene. As one female submis-
tions don’t really enjoy it. I actually enjoy making people sive explained,
happy and doing things for them, which I think reflects really
well in my work.’’ A dominant explained,

52 The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467
 Perks, problems, and the people who play

. . . we use the term ‘power exchange’ and so what I tell people is I’m sort of conflict-averse, I would rather compromise and, you
that you can’t exchange something that you don’t have, right? So, know, take a little bit of unfair compromise than, you know, engage
if I have no power, how can I possibly give that or exchange that in a fight with someone. I’m not gonna bend on something that’s
with someone else? I can’t do it. So, I actually think that, for the very important, but being a very flexible and conflict-averse person
most part, we actually have a lot of power, both in our personal life, is part of it.
in our professional life, our spirits.
These two women demonstrate the preference to follow
Most importantly, this is a temporary power exchange and the will of a trusted partner rather than insist upon having
many participants agreed that the submissive could get this their way. Similarly, the dominants expressed that ‘‘willing-
power back. One female submissive said, ‘‘Well, it’s kind of, I ness to follow orders’’ or ‘‘obedience’’ was an essential part of
mean, a power exchange, right? So I would give up momen- being submissive.
tary power, but I have the power to get it back.’’ Nonetheless, Desire to please (submissives). The submissive partici-
dominants and submissives do have different roles and differ- pants described themselves as people-pleasers who tended to
ent types of influence. One male submissive stated, ‘‘In general, put others first. One male submissive stated, ‘‘I bend over back-
I kinda like the quote, ‘subs have the power, dom(me)s have wards for people I care about.’’ A female submissive explained,
the control’ ’’ and several other participants echoed this, using
a similar or even identical phrasing. I don’t know, I’ve just never been very much about myself, you
Interestingly, when participants did suggest that one role know, for better or worse. . . You know, from my upbringing every-
has more power, submissives were more often seen as holding one has always come first, and I think this is almost a way to put
greater power. Several dominants and submissives stated that myself first through, you know, on the other hand, someone else
subs have most or all of the power because they are typically coming first.
the ones who set the boundaries. One dominant stated, ‘‘Um,
Empathic and nurturing (dominants). Most participants,
well, they set the boundaries. They put themselves at your
including both dominants and submissives, indicated that
mercy and under your power, but they set the boundaries.
dominants should be, and usually are, empathic and under-
You do not do something to them that they don’t want done
standing. Both roles stressed that dominants need to be caring
to them.’’ Another dominant said, ‘‘The subs are the one tell-
and sensitive to how the submissive is feeling. One submissive
ing the dom(me)s their hard limits, their soft limits, what
stated, ‘‘Personally, I enjoy a more dominant person, but at the
they can and cannot do, what they want, what they don’t
same time they do need to have more caring sides, so none
want. You think the dom(me)s get to do that? No.’’
of those kind of crazy people that want the elusive ‘true sub-
Ultimately participants acknowledged that the illusion of
missive,’ then they just sound a little creepy.’’ As one male
the dominant having all the power was necessary and de-
dominant stated,
sirable. As one male dominant elucidated, ‘‘I could assume I
have all the power and control, that’s part of the illusion to
In my case, in order to keep my conscience clear, I have to under-
me, that’s what I’m after, and that’s what I get off on, that’s stand more deeply, why, and just that they are enjoying it. So I try to
what my benefit is.’’ A submissive conceded that submissives put myself in the place of the person who is being submissive or
had power, but added, ‘‘I like to tell myself that the dominant masochistic just so that I can, because I feel like if I’m not sort of
has the power because that’s the way I like it.’’ present and I don’t know where they’re coming from then I have a
Willingness to give up control (submissives). As one hard time figuring out if I have a partner really or a victim. Because
might expect, submissives reported a strong willingness and I really do not want the latter.
desire to give their control to someone else at least some of
the time. Several participants suggested that this was due to a One submissive described his ideal dominant as having ‘‘more
lack of ability or desire to make their own decisions. One sub- of like, you know, almost like a motherly kind of instinct’’ and
missive emphasized the difficulty he has making decisions, one dominant described wanting the best for her submissive
partner,
I don’t like to make decisions for myself, uh, making decisions I
always get too much, too much in my head and trying to figure out I’m very much interested in not only [submissive partner’s name]
whether I’m making the right decision and I’m too doubtful of whether serving me, but also her being the best person she can be, so part
I’m making the right decision and that’s just definitely not her. of my mastery is in helping her to be the best she can be. So it’s a
mentorship and a responsibility of helping her to fulfil her goals and
Thus, he preferred having his much more decisive dominant be all that.
choose for him. One female submissive indicated, ‘‘I’ve kind
of always been a pushover and I’ve kind of always been a Another participant insisted that a good dominant is ‘‘kind
stickler for the rules,’’ while another explained that she is very and gentle, but sometimes not necessarily in a soft way.’’ An-
conflict-averse. other dominant expressed this balance: ‘‘I’m very empathetic,

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Ali Hébert and Angela Weaver

without always being sympathetic.’’ Participants expressed the The idea of not wanting to make their attention too obvious
belief that this empathy was founded on a deep connection during a scene to maintain the illusion of control was a senti-
that helps dominants to intuit when something goes wrong ment echoed by a few of the dominants, although always
during a scene and teaches dominants to be nurturing and accompanied by a description of their concern and caring for
encouraging, with several dominants emphasizing the impor- their submissive partners.
tance of praise and positive reinforcement. Participants agreed
that while dominants who did not embody these characteristics Benefits
might exist, submissives likely would not stay with them.
Participants were able to identify various benefits to engaging
Several participants suggested that dominants could enhance
in BDSM that they, their partners, or their friends had expe-
or reinforce their empathy for a submissive partner by switch-
rienced; all interviewees stated that BDSM had improved
ing roles from time to time to learn what it feels like to be the
their lives in some ways. Interestingly, although the current
submissive partner.
study set out to look at the benefits that might be particular
Desire and ability to take control (dominants). Accord-
to each end of the BDSM role spectrum, most of the benefits
ing to individuals of both roles, dominants want to have the
described by participants were mentioned by dominants and
control. Dominant participants vocalized their desire to be in
submissives alike.
control in a variety of ways, including, ‘‘I’ve always enjoyed
Pleasure from pleasuring others (both). Most of the par-
things being done my way,’’ ‘‘I love making decisions,’’ and
ticipants suggested that one of the best parts of BDSM play
‘‘I’m very Type A.’’ Both submissives and dominants also in-
was that it gives them an opportunity to please their partners
dicated that confidence, decisiveness, and assertiveness were
in some way. This was a very exciting prospect to many of the
important aspects of their dominants’ personalities because
participants, as epitomized by a female submissive who stated,
dominants needed to not only wish for power within a scene,
‘‘God, I jump at the opportunity to do anything he wants um
but also reach out and grab it. As one submissive insisted,
[laughs] just ’cause it’s so satisfying.’’ Although it could be
dominants ‘‘. . . have to be able to take a hold of their role
expected that this would be primarily submissives focusing
as a firm, strict, and demanding dominant person.’’ Several
on pleasing their dominants, this was not the case. This was
participants mentioned that they had natural leadership ten-
surprising to some of the submissives themselves, as indicated
dencies such that people were likely to follow their directives.
by one submissive who said,
One male dominant stated, ‘‘People always just have re-
sponded to me in that manner, I guess. I have a personality When I came into this lifestyle I was always just, my head was
that when I walk into a room, people tend to pay attention.’’ always, like, ‘‘Man, I really want to make my master or my mistress
Finally, another male dominant summarized, ‘‘I would say happy’’ and then all of a sudden I realized: they want to make sure
that one of the other qualifiers for me being a dom would be I’m happy too! They like to spoil me.
the desire to want to exercise this command or control over
another person.’’ This sentiment was echoed not only by other submissives, but
Attentive and responsible (dominants). Dominants were also many dominants. One described his emotions with his
described as being committed to paying attention, looking girlfriend as ‘‘a feeling of elation that this control is pleasing
out for a submissive’s safety and happiness, and subsequently the one that I love.’’ One male dominant said, ‘‘It’s just an
taking responsibility for the submissive’s needs. Dominants added benefit that we can get what we want from giving the
emphasized the importance of their submissives knowing submissive what it is they want.’’ Indeed, participants of both
that they could come to the dominants with their needs and roles suggested that in many relationships ‘‘the dom(me)’s
that these needs would be taken into account. They pointed doing all the work and topping the bottom and giving them
out that even though they are the ones who make the deci- all the good stuff.’’ As one male dominant explained, ‘‘It’s icing
sions, they want to represent the best interests of their on the cake whether I orgasm. Whether they orgasm is abso-
partners. One dominant said, ‘‘It’s important for me to please lutely vital.’’ Despite this, many insisted that ‘‘the fantasy is
[submissive partner’s name], you know, so even though I’m that the dom(me) is basically the only one being pleased,’’ to
the one making the decisions, a lot of the decisions I make the point that if the submissive got the impression that the
are what’s in her best interest, what would make her happy.’’ dominant was ‘‘doing it just to please [them], that sort of just
As one submissive in a 24/7 relationship explained, ‘‘Part of kills it,’’ even though the reality was quite different. Participants
the 24/7 aspect for me is not just that I serve 24/7, it’s that gave the impression that both partners’ pleasure was valued
I’m also taken care of 24/7.’’ Finally, many dominants re- and roughly equal numbers of participants stressed the im-
ported paying close attention and checking in with their portance of their partner’s pleasure, often over their own
submissives a lot, especially during scenes. One dominant pleasure. As one submissive asserted, ‘‘I sort of find it almost
mentioned, ‘‘I pay a lot of attention. Generally I try not to let more satisfying when he comes than [when] I do.’’ Overall, it
them know that I am, but I keep an eye on them and if I feel was implied that the beauty of BDSM may be that the roles
like maybe it’s getting a little too much, you know, I’ll ask.’’ are naturally complementary such that

54 The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467
 Perks, problems, and the people who play

. . . a sub is being dominated and the dom(me) is dominating the what’s more fun or what’s exciting.’’ Another stated, ‘‘I think
submissive, you know, they are both doing exactly what they it just adds a spice to life [laughs], I really do. I think, um,
wanted to be doing right then. And just by carrying on, doing what vanilla sex is boring.’’ One dominant female asserted that
they’re doing, they’re satisfying each other’s needs.
there are ‘‘so many things you can do in the S&M world . . .
it’s impossible to get bored of S&M.’’ In addition to describ-
Pleasure and arousal (both). The majority of participants
ing benefits of BDSM itself, participants contrasted those
described BDSM as physically pleasurable and often specified
benefits with what was possible with vanilla sex and relation-
that this pleasure was sexual in nature. Some mentioned that
ships. One submissive recalled being in ‘‘two vanilla relation-
orgasm was considered unnecessary but was often experienced
ships that were so vanilla it was just, ugh, like, they were
during play. Several participants suggested that their main
wonderful women, beautiful, amazing, talented, incredible
motivation for engaging in BDSM play was simply ‘‘sex
women and I just couldn’t stand having sex with them ’cause
drive.’’ Some felt that this was so obvious that it should not
it was so boring.’’ This idea that vanilla is boring was also
even have to be explicitly stated. For instance, one male sub-
colourfully captured by a male dominant: ‘‘I’d get on, I’d ride
missive declared, ‘‘Well I mean obviously, you know, it’s a
for a while, and I’d be done.’’ Similarly, a male submissive
sexual experience,’’ and a male dominant asserted, ‘‘there’s
said, ‘‘My last relationship was a vanilla relationship and. . .
obviously the sexual.’’ However, several of the submissive par-
the sex was great at the beginning, but it kind of tapered off
ticipants focused more on the physical pleasure they felt from
towards the end because it was just kind of becoming stag-
pain, especially the accompanying endorphin rush. A male
nant.’’ Other participants did not detail why they felt vanilla
submissive described getting ‘‘high off the pain’’ and a female
would be so wrong for them, but expressed that they could
submissive indicated that burning was her favourite type of
not imagine ever going back to a vanilla relationship. One
play because ‘‘it just feels like pleasure concentrated so strongly
male dominant described this:
that it hurts, um, but it feels just so good.’’ One dominant
female described sexual pleasure as a common motive, but
It’s given us tools to show affection to one another that we never
also described this shift from an initial emphasis on the sexual could have shown each other before. I mean there’s only so much
aspects of BDSM to the recognition of broader benefits. that a kiss, roses, chocolates, are going to get over the course of
15, 20, 30, 40 years, but giving yourself completely to this other
I think for a lot of people the sex is the primary mover, you know, the person, and I really feel that the submissive gives themselves
mover and shaker, because it’s by breaking the boundaries and completely to the dom(me) and the dom(me) gives themselves
exploring this sexually, um, you know, when you fly and you’re out completely to the submissive, it gives a new kind of depth to that
exploring and there’s so much to explore and try, so much newness, love and affection you show each other.
I think a lot of the fun and excitement has to do with the play. . . I see
a lot of the new couples that are already a couple, they started out Personal growth (both). Not only did participants state
as a vanilla couple, they’re exploring. . . and then now they’re that BDSM enriched their lives, many also insisted that they
exploring BDSM and they’re exploring some play, and now they’re
were becoming better people. Submissives and dominants
exploring kink and the dominance outside the bedroom.
alike commented on the role that dominants could play in
Participants described how sexually exciting BDSM play is, motivating their submissives. The submissives greatly valued
asserting that it is ‘‘hot’’ and ‘‘a turn on.’’ One dominant having their dominants encourage them and care about all
suggested that ‘‘the fear is part of what the turn on is’’ and a the little things. One said, ‘‘. . . maybe it’s the interest, maybe
submissive explained that, ‘‘I can be receiving pain from it’s the fact that all the little detailed things like me eating
someone I’m not attracted to at all and have no plans to three meals a day and what color my nails are matter to
have sex with and still get physically aroused just from the him.’’ This type of attention made them feel nurtured by,
pain.’’ and accountable to, another person, which encouraged them
Fun, variety, and going beyond vanilla (both). One of the to thrive and ‘‘become a better person.’’ Some of the submis-
most commonly mentioned benefits was simply that BDSM sive participants even learned very specific new skills due to
play is fun. As one male dominant summed up, ‘‘We’re all either the teaching or motivation that their dominants pro-
doing it for fun.’’ Another stated, ‘‘Well, it’s exciting! It turns vided for them. One male submissive described how he learned
me on. . . I mean, when it really, really works, it’s tons of fun.’’ to play the guitar, something he had wanted to do for years but
Participants often said that they simply enjoyed doing it with- never did until he was encouraged by his dominant. However,
out specifying what exactly made it so enjoyable. Several sug- these personal growth benefits were not limited to submissives;
gested that BDSM play made them feel ‘‘happier in general,’’ individuals with each role preference recounted their journeys
‘‘euphoric,’’ and ‘‘just awesome,’’ adding ‘‘enthusiasm’’ and of introspection that led them to new discoveries about them-
‘‘playfulness’’ to their lives. Many participants mentioned the selves. One submissive described being very happy and satis-
incredible diversity of BDSM play and BDSM practitioners as fied with who she had become. Although the changes and her
a benefit. One dominant said, ‘‘So there’s this freedom to personal growth transcended her BDSM play into all aspects
explore anything that you want and so when you do that it of her life, she attributed much of her growth to her explora-
becomes easier to identify what you’re comfortable with or tion of BDSM with her partner and her connections with the

The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467 55
Ali Hébert and Angela Weaver

community. Similarly, one male dominant described the in- ticipants enjoyed meeting new friends and getting out more.
crease in awareness that occurred throughout his life because One dominant said, ‘‘Part of the motivation is having the
of his exploration of his BDSM role, group acceptance or group validation.’’ One male submissive
reflected on the effects of this community support, ‘‘I’m get-
I have noticed that since we have been in this relationship, my ting out more, I’m being more active, I’m happier in general.’’
attention to how I portray myself to others is a lot more keen. I never Participants were excited to be able to express themselves and
realized how authoritative I can be with other people until I entered not ‘‘be made fun of or be told I’m a freak or something like
into this. that.’’ One female dominant found this benefit to be very
powerful:
Improved romantic relationships (both). The majority of
participants described ways in which incorporating BDSM
What I found in the dungeon very quickly was, um, kind of self-
improved their romantic relationships. One male dominant acceptance really. Before that, anybody I dated seriously had told
stated, me that what turned me on was wrong and, I mean, explicitly told
me that what turned me on was wrong. And so I was filled with a
Every day you wake up, you look at this person and you know good lot of self-loathing towards my sexuality. I didn’t date very frequently
and well that their lives are one of the most important things in the or, if I did, I was very guarded and then I found the dungeon and
world to you, not just because they’re your wife or your husband, people said, ‘‘Oh, you’re not weird, you’re a sadist, you’re a domi-
but because they’ve given everything, their whole life is yours and nant female. That’s okay and I can respect that, and we can show
yours theirs. It’s a different connection. you how to do that safely’’ . . . So, literally within a month of setting
foot into a dungeon, a whole lifetime of self-loathing almost com-
Some of these participants were in relationships that had not pletely vanished.
always included aspects of BDSM play and they recounted the
ways in which adding that dynamic helped them. A female Psychological Release. Many participants explained that
submissive stated, ‘‘It’s enhanced my relationship. We were they used BDSM play to handle daily life stresses and frustra-
on, you know, on the rocks, so to speak, and this has helped. tions. Playing offered an emotional release for both domi-
Brought us closer. I really wasn’t expecting that either.’’ A nants and submissives, so much so that one dominant pro-
male dominant recalled that he and his wife often ‘‘got into nounced it ‘‘therapeutic.’’ One woman described how this
these little head butts.’’ He described the effects of their explo- worked from the perspective of a submissive,
ration of BDSM, ‘‘It’s kind of a natural cure to the issues that
we were running into. . . it gave us new tools to resolve con- I think subs, you know, agree to sign over their control and power
flicts.’’ Other participants stated that the level of connection, and I think that is very healing for a lot of us. You feel the burden
intimacy, trust, and communication that BDSM play fosters of decision-making and choices and leading all just lifted off of you
and it makes you feel a lot lighter.
was greater than that which was typically achieved in a more
conventional relationship, perhaps partly out of necessity. In
A female dominant illustrated BDSM’s ability to facilitate
addition, BDSM dynamics offered participants new ways to
calm or release by recounting,
express these feelings with their romantic partners. One male
submissive describes the emotional connection that he felt
Sometimes if my partner is having a hard time, there are things that
BDSM helped him achieve, we’ll do if she gets on her knees, you know, at my feet, that helps
her. It sort of calms her. So there are things that we do or you
I feel like all of the BDSM couples that I’ve met are very open com- know, my putting a collar on her that, that has a calming or settling
municating because, you know, that’s very important to begin when, effect, that, that somebody else might have from drinking a glass of
just to make sure that everyone’s needs are taken care and no wine.
one’s getting hurt, but, you know, the level of communication I feel
like is always higher. People become closer a lot quicker and I feel One submissive confessed that she will sometimes disobey so
like people would be surprised by how strong of a connection is cre- that she will get punished,
ated by BDSM relationships. Whereas I think a lot of people view it
as maybe that it’s, you know, just a sex thing that, you know, they’re
I really like the punishment, especially if it has a mental breakdown.
people are just doing it for fun kind of thing, where it’s also very
Because, um, it allows me to express my emotions a little bit. I’m
emotional, it’s a very emotional, uh, emotional extremes for both
kind of a person who bottles up a lot of emotions and when I actually
partners.
break down from a punishment it’s like an emotional release.

Community (both). Although not all participants reported

Another participant told the story of a day he finished a
active involvement within the BDSM community, many of stressful day at work,
those that did described it as being very rewarding in a variety
of ways. The community was described as so open and I went to my Sir’s apartment after work and he saw that I was all up-
friendly that one submissive stated, ‘‘I’ve never been more tight and, you know, nervous and crap, and he lined me up against
welcome anywhere at all, period, in my life’’ and ‘‘I mean the wall and gave me a good flogging. And it flogged the stress right
just from the first day, I knew that it’s where I belonged.’’ Par- out of me.

56 The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467
 Perks, problems, and the people who play

The dominants who mentioned this benefit tended to empha- given the male-dominated culture in which she was residing.
size the relaxation that comes from having exerted oneself A male dominant asserted, ‘‘A lot of people go through their
and the accompanying rush. One female submissive described whole lives hiding from who and what they are, but when it’s
the release she experiences after a scene, you and your sub and there’s no one else around, you can be
you.’’ Another male dominant stated,
When I can take a really hard beating, like a super heavy whip
scene, the next day I feel like I have been in the deepest most in- It’s liberating because you’re expressing yourself in a way that is,
tense meditation. I am so connected to my body . . . I didn’t realize you know, true. . .There’s no substitute for the feeling you get when
that I was not connected to my body. I walked around for years you’re able to be yourself like that and the search for that feeling is
thinking I was totally connected to myself. And then I had this entirely worth maybe being a little embarrassed about how you go
experience. I started having these experiences and they were very about it.
regular and the next day I wake up and I feel so connected to my
Several participants proposed that it might be even be
body. Literally, I can feel my toes and my heels and my ankles and
like places like, even like the little webbing between your feet, it’s a healthier way to explore personality traits, such as being
like, who knew? I was like, ‘‘Oh my gosh!’’ You know, I just felt so indecisive, that might be more challenging to express in other
really connected to myself and, physically and mentally and emo- situations.
tionally and, and it was amazing. And I understand why people One of the more general, but commonly reported, benefits
meditate now. I just choose not to meditate, I get beat up instead was a feeling of ‘rightness.’ A dominant described the first time
[laughs]! And it works almost like, it seems to me from what I’ve she walked into a dungeon when ‘‘everything just kind of
read, it seems to work in the same way. The connectedness is very clicked and made sense.’’ Another participant simply stated,
different and I had no idea that would happen. ‘‘it was something that, that just felt normal, it felt right.’’
Others spoke of how well the BDSM dynamic works in their
Freedom from day-to-day roles (both). Many of the par-
lives and how it is essentially just the perfect fit for them.
ticipants stated that one of the motivating factors for engag-
Control or power (dominants). The majority of partici-
ing in BDSM was that it allowed them to take a break from
pants agreed that the main benefit that is specific to domina-
their everyday life. As one submissive succinctly declared, tion is a sense of control or power. Dominants expressed a
‘‘It’s a break free from your real world, you know. It’s like
desire to have things done their way and make all the deci-
giving yourself a freaking break.’’ This benefit was often, but
sions. As one dominant simply stated, ‘‘There’s a big thrill to
not exclusively, reported by participants who felt that their
being in charge of a situation.’’ A submissive participant postu-
BDSM role was distinct from their role in everyday life. A
lated that for her master, ‘‘Having some part of the world that
submissive male explained,
is so totally under his control just makes him feel calmer about
life.’’ A dominant male stated, ‘‘. . . the reaction to me is more
Ninety per cent of the day time . . . I’m expected to be headstrong
and deciding things for myself. And . . . that 10% of the time that I,
based in [pause] raw primal need to control my environment
you know, I really yearn for . . . I want to be out of control and want
and being able to, to make this scene an extension of that.
to be, um, dominated, basically. And it’s very empowering.’’ Participants also explained that
being dominant made them feel like causal agents, not only
For others, however, it was less about taking a break from having the power to physically control their partners, but
their personality and more about an escape in the context of also ‘‘just being able to observe reactions and knowing that
stressful life circumstances. One dominant who was experi- you caused them.’’ Finally, they enjoyed the amount of trust
encing the break-up of a romantic relationship at the time of their partner put in them: as one dominant affirmed, ‘‘Oh
his interview explained that for him, ‘‘Dominance is not so my gosh – this person is like entrusting me with their entire
much a craving for superiority, it’s so much a craving for being.’’
control and having it reciprocated.’’ Another male dominant Rewards (dominants). Several of the dominants experi-
stated, ‘‘I have always felt that my preference for dominance enced satisfaction at having things done for them, particularly
really does come from a sense of helplessness in daily life.’’ A household chores. As one dominant in a 24/7 relationship
female submissive explained, ‘‘I can draw on a more animalistic described, ‘‘It’s wonderful to have someone that’s willing and
side of myself where I don’t have the pressures of feeling dedicated their life to pleasing me and meeting my needs.’’
human all the time.’’ The dominants mentioned several duties that their submis-
Being yourself (both). In seemingly direct opposition to sives consistently did for them, such as giving them foot rubs,
the previous described benefit, many participants mentioned opening doors, making the coffee, making dinner, and even
how nice it is that BDSM play allows them to be themselves giving them presents. Another dominant in a 24/7 relationship
completely. As one dominant expressed, ‘‘There’s a real free- described, ‘‘Because he’s a service-oriented submissive, certain
dom to, you know, to, to be your way, you know, do it your acts of service like chores and things that are specifically his,
way and that’s nice.’’ One submissive woman said, ‘‘I get to be like I haven’t washed a dish in three years.’’ A few dominants
myself. I get to do everything that I cannot do in my life,’’ a also emphasized the sexual rewards, like ‘‘sexual favours’’ and
freedom that she described as particularly significant to her ‘‘sex on demand.’’

The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467 57
Ali Hébert and Angela Weaver

Confidence (dominants). Some of the dominants explained that one role, more often the dominant role, was more diffi-
that BDSM offers ‘‘a heck of a confidence boost.’’ Participants cult, while the submissive role might be riskier.
reported that this confidence allowed them to do everything Stigma (both). A prominent challenge for many of the
from being able to use their sex toys better, to better job participants was discrimination, even if the participant had
performance, to feeling safer walking alone in big cities. One reached a point where they reported fully accepting their
dominant explained, ‘‘When you come fresh from a scene or own desires. One submissive expressed anguish at the unkind
a weekend where you were with your sub and jump back into words of an acquaintance who mocked BDSM practitioners
the work week, um, you know, you’re pretty much untouch- to her face without knowing that she shared such proclivities.
able.’’ Another dominant stated, One man simply stated, ‘‘I’ve been told that I’m going to
Hell.’’ Fear of being mocked, persecuted, or even ‘‘witch-
There’s that confidence, you know. Once you tie someone up, and hunted’’ led participants to feel that they had to hide their
beat them, and take them into that subspace, and bring them out, sexual preferences and even had the power to influence their
and cuddle with them, and have them crawl all over you because, judgments of ‘‘whether it’s overall worthwhile’’ despite the
you know, that’s a great confidence builder. benefits. In some cases, the consequences of the stigma sur-
rounding BDSM were even greater, including the loss of jobs
Another described the thrill they got from knowing they were
and an avoidance of doctors who were perceived as judgmen-
having a strong effect on their submissive partner, ‘‘It’s an ego
tal. One female submissive described an upsetting doctor’s
boost. . . just being able to observe reactions and knowing that
appointment where she was told, ‘‘You can’t possibly have a
you caused them is a huge part of what fuels the desire for
healthy sexual relationship with pain and I think you need to
dominance.’’
bring this up with your therapist.’’ A female dominant indi-
Giving up control (submissives). In direct opposition to
cated, ‘‘I’ve seen people lose their jobs, I’ve seen people’s mar-
the main benefit for dominants, the sole benefit consistently
riages fall apart, I’ve seen people’s kids stop talking to them.’’
expressed as specific to submission was giving up control.
One male dominant indicated, ‘‘I’ve lost jobs because people
Submissives reveled in ‘‘giving power to someone else to just
found out I was in BDSM and they just didn’t want me
let them make the decisions for a couple minutes.’’ One male
around.’’ One participant speculated about why people would
dominant described, ‘‘Every sub I’ve ever talked to has had
have issues with submission, her preferred role,
the same thing to say in that they feel absolute freedom in
relinquishing control to their dom(me),’’ which is what draws I feel like society’s a little bit conditioned to say that you need to
them to being subs in the first place. They want to give up that have these freedoms and you need to have this control over things
control to someone they can trust and they want to have fun and when you say that you want to give those up, it makes people
doing it.’’ Being submissive allowed them to let go; ‘‘Well, very uncomfortable sometimes.
another part of why I like submission is, you know, having to
make sorts of decisions in life is stressful for me and being Relationship problems (both). Although many partici-
submissive allows me to just let it all go and enjoy the pants reported that BDSM improved relationships, several
moment.’’ As one submissive explained, ‘‘There’s no room also stated that it was associated with relationship challenges.
in your head at that point for any other worries,’’ which is A couple of participants explained that while they thoroughly
important because, ‘‘The idea behind topping someone is to enjoyed their BDSM play, they would not want to be roman-
make them not think.’’ tically involved with their play partners. A submissive de-
scribed a master as ‘‘. . . someone who is having all the control
Challenges and all of the respect. It’s not someone that you’re just gonna
snuggle and just love and kiss.’’ Several expressed other con-
Despite the numerous benefits identified for BDSM play, par- cerns regarding the boundaries of the relationship, such as
ticipants also identified some challenges and even potential making sure you do not let BDSM ‘‘override your initial rela-
dangers. Once again, some of these were shared, while others tionship dynamic.’’ In addition, several participants claimed
were specific to submissives or to dominants. As a female that finding partners with similar tastes could be very chal-
submissive summarized, ‘‘It’s hard for both parties and every- lenging. One participant clarified, ‘‘It’s hard finding someone
one has to work really hard and, you know, communicate that I actually get along with that’s also sexually compatible
very clearly to make things, make sure things don’t go sour.’’ with me.’’
Participants advised that ‘‘You have to practice caution and Accepting desires (both). Another reported challenge that
safety regardless of what your title is.’’ Another commonly is often associated with stigma was some degree of difficulty
expressed sentiment was that the relative difficulty of either accepting one’s own desires. As one submissive stated, ‘‘I was
role depended upon whether or not it was the role one felt too negative to actually see anything good of it and too
most comfortable assuming. Thus, one submissive explained ashamed actually to look at it.’’ Several suggested that the
that being dominant would be very difficult for her ‘‘because shame and guilt could be particularly strong for submissive
that’s such a foreign concept to me. Like how to be bossy and women in heterosexual relationships because they often felt
in control. I could never do that for long periods of time.’’ like they were being anti-feminist. One woman in such a
However, a few participants did somewhat hesitantly suggest

58 The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467
 Perks, problems, and the people who play

situation asked, ‘‘How do you reconcile being a feminist with Vulnerability (submissive). The majority of both domi-
being a female submissive?’’ She ultimately found comfort in nant and submissive participants believed that the vulnerabil-
the knowledge that as a woman she had the right to choose, ity of the submissive position could open submissives up to
physical and emotional harm. One submissive described it as
And it’s my right to choose, you know, if I’m this way I can choose to giving ‘‘my willpower and my physical well-being over to this
act on it or not, I can choose how important it is to me, and then, one person for them to do with as they please.’’ Another sub-
once I’ve made those choices, well it’s my choice to have the kind missive expressed concern, ‘‘I do think that submissives tend
of sex life I wanna have. to get, um, tend to put themselves in positions where they
could be used and harmed.’’ Submissives were seen as partic-
Most of these participants reported that they had been able to
ularly vulnerable in contexts were restraints were involved.
gradually overcome challenges of this nature. One female
One submissive stated, ‘‘It’s not so figuratively your ass on
submissive stated, ‘‘I thought maybe there was something
the line.’’ A female submissive explained, ‘‘When you’re first
wrong with me for being this way. It took me a long while to
meeting them, you have to be really careful ‘cause you have
actually realize it’s okay to be like this.’’
no idea what they’re going to do. For all you know, you could
More work and responsibility (dominants). Just because
end up locked in their basement for a couple months.’’ Given
dominants desire to take charge does not mean that oversee-
these vulnerabilities, both submissive and dominant partici-
ing many details of the scene is not a lot of work. The majority
pants emphasized the need for submissives to take care to pro-
of both dominants and submissives suggested that so much
tect themselves, particularly with new or less familiar partners.
work can be ‘‘a burden.’’ Furthermore, dominants must con-
Bad dominants (submissives). While participants stated
stantly come up with new scenes, new punishments, new re-
that most dominants can be trusted to not take advantage of
wards, etc. One dominant acknowledged: ‘‘It can be hard to
even the most vulnerable submissive, they also stated that
stay innovative, I guess, and make it interesting and not fall
some cannot. These dangerous dominants were described in
into the same patterns.’’ On top of all of this, dominants
two distinct ways: those that simply lacked the experience or
must maintain the illusion that BDSM play is all for their
knowledge to know what they were doing and those lacking
pleasure and not for that of their submissives, a task that one
empathy who seek to harm others. Most of these are what
submissive referred to as a very delicate balance. As one
one participant called ‘‘self-styled dom(me)s,’’ ‘‘There are, you
female submissive stated,
know, a fair number of people out there not that are actively
It must be incredibly difficult to walk that line where you are pleasing
dangerous, but who are just sort of self-styled dom(me)s who
your sub, but you also can somehow cast it as being selfish. I think
don’t really know what they’re doing.’’ However, there are
there’s, like, a sort of delicate balance there that is, requires sort of some so-called dominants who take their partner’s submis-
a lot of artfulness to do right. sion ‘‘as an invitation to do whatever they want.’’ Participants
noted that such dominants were rare and that they were not
Ultimately this caused a few submissives to agree that ‘‘The actually practicing BDSM, but sexual assault and/or psycho-
dom(me) is probably doing more of the work and the sub is logical abuse. As one dominant expressed with disgust, ‘‘If
probably getting more enjoyment out of it.’’ One female sub- you betray the trust that [submissives] give you in that situa-
missive reflected on the dynamic with her dominant partner, tion, then you’re not being a dom(me), you’re just being a
bastard.’’ One male dominant described this risk,
My job is to kind of show up and get my rocks off (laughs) and really
that’s kind of the bottom line. I mean, I always make sure that she But there are some people who are thrilled by the notion of control.
has pleasure and that she’s happy and stuff, but really if you kind They’re thrilled by the notion of inflicting minor harm or major harm
of boil it down: she does all the work and I get all the results on another individual, but, um, without that empathy, without that
(laughs). awareness of the wants and the dangers posed to the submissive
individual.
Possessive submissives (dominants). Several of the partic-
ipants mentioned that the biggest danger for dominants was Following orders and accepting decisions (submissives).
possessive submissives who become overly invested in the re- The main challenge for submissives specifically was also ac-
lationship. One female dominant stated, ‘‘Submissives can get cepting the consequences of their chosen roles. Submissives
really possessive and crazy. And I’ve had stalkers and I’ve had mentioned that although they want to give up their power, it
somebody give me a ‘marry me or else’ ultimatum.’’ Partici- can be difficult to have to do what their dominants command.
pants suggested that, on a rare occasion, submissives may be As one submissive explained, ‘‘It takes a lot of strength, I
somewhat mentally unstable and end up stalking or black- think, to be able to do completely what another person asks
mailing dominants with whom they became involved. Ac- of you.’’ Participants also reported that it could be really
cording to one submissive ‘‘an unsafe sub is just as dangerous, hard to drop whatever they are doing to attend to their
if not more so’’ than an unsafe dominant. However, it is im- dominants’ wishes. One submissive revealed that, ‘‘There’s
portant to note that such people are relatively rare and, as one also times like where I’m tired or I don’t want to do some-
participant explained, ‘‘They need like more professional help thing or [laughs], but, you know, it’s kind of not within the
than domination, but they’re looking for domination anyway.’’ terms of the relationship I’m gonna say no to things’’ and

The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467 59
Ali Hébert and Angela Weaver

this sentiment was echoed by other submissives. Finally, cussed in detail, comments from participants would suggest
although the submissives often did not like making decisions, that their preferred BDSM roles were the result of a combina-
they still struggled to accept some of the decisions made for tion of social norms both within and outside of the commu-
them. These challenges were also recognized by dominants, nity and their own desires, as Sexual Script theory postulates
who realized that putting someone else’s needs first can be (Gagnon & Simon, 1973; Simon & Gagnon, 1986). As would
difficult, ‘‘I think it’s harder to be a submissive, you know. be expected, the personality characteristics of submissives in-
You have to take care of your own needs, but you’re putting cluded a strong willingness to give up control and a powerful
someone else’s need first.’’ desire to please. The most commonly-reported personality
In summary, all of the interviewees identified multiple characteristic of a good dominant was empathy and nurtur-
benefits and challenges of BDSM generally, or specific to their ance. This was followed by a desire and ability to take control
preferred role. However, several emphasized that, despite very of people and situations. Finally, dominants are very respon-
real challenges, the benefits as described above and the sense sible and attentive toward their submissive partners. When
of being authentic to one’s true desires outweighed the discussing the illusion of power, participants appeared to
challenges. Several participants actively counterpoised bene- agree with the popular literature on BDSM stating that domi-
fits and challenges in their interviews. For instance, although nants do not, in fact, hold more power (Easton & Hardy,
stigma was readily identified by several participants as a 2001). Instead, the majority of participants insisted that both
negative of BDSM, several participants weighed this against roles had their own equal, but different, power. Among the
the strong sense of community and acceptance they experienced minority who felt the power was not equal, all but one in-
from the other members of the BDSM community and felt that sisted that it is the submissives who hold more power because
this outweighed this drawback. Others, as they discussed nega- they set the limits and can stop the scene at any time. Despite
tive aspects, concluded that the benefits outweighed costs for this, the illusion of power is necessary for both roles to opti-
them primarily because pursuing their BDSM desires meant mally enjoy the scene.
that they were being true to themselves. A female submissive All participants indicated that their BDSM play improved
stated, ‘‘Well there are challenges, but it’s worth it and I’ll tell their lives, with diverse benefits ascribed to both roles. Several
you what, it makes me a better person all around just to try to of the identified benefits had been previously suggested to be
meet them and change the challenges.’’ One participant benefits of BDSM by other researchers, clinicians, and authors.
linked all of these together in the following statement: The benefits of communication, trust, and intimacy discussed
by Nichols’ (2006) all made up facets of improved romantic
But I knew that if I didn’t at least figure what this thing was that I relationships, which also supports Kleinplatz’ (2006) recom-
was never gonna be happy again, alright. So, um, the stigmas are
mendation that traditional couples could learn a lot from
important, but you can’t go to bed with that. They don’t lick my
BDSM practitioners. Participants in the current study also
skin, so I gotta do what’s right for me.
commonly reported that great sex was a benefit (subsumed
under pleasure and arousal), which is congruent with Klein-
DISCUSSION platz et al.’s (2009) finding that sadomasochism practitioners
report that they are in a particularly good position to experi-
The current exploratory study attempted to elucidate some of ence optimal sex due to skills learned from BDSM play. The
the benefits and challenges of BDSM from the words of par- benefit of psychological release was also found by Lindemann
ticipants with the seemingly opposite, but complementary, (2011) in her study of professional dominatrices and Moser
role preferences of dominance and submission. Participants and Levitt’s (1987) finding that a majority of BDSM practi-
described a variety of benefits and challenges, as well as tioners enjoy BDSM as much as or more than vanilla sexual
personality traits that were common to their role. Participants activity was supported. What Nichols (2006) called explora-
listed aspects of their personality that were congruent and tion and excitement roughly map onto the benefit of fun,
those that were incongruent with their role, suggesting, in variety, and going beyond vanilla, as well as pleasure and
some cases, that BDSM play allowed them to be more them- arousal. Similarly, what she called empowerment was men-
selves and to explore novel aspects of themselves that do not tioned by dominants in the categories of control or power,
see expression in their day-to-day lives. In addition, even confidence, and freedom from day-to-day roles, but was not
those who did feel their personality was primarily congruent a theme for submissives. However, it is important to note
or incongruent with their BDSM role tended to also mention that Nichols (2006) identified benefits of BDSM practice
that they knew BDSM practitioners who fit the opposite overall, and was not necessarily suggesting that these benefits
stereotype. Thus, it would appear that the reality is much applied to both roles equally. Moreover, submissives may be
more textured and complex, with participants identifying empowered by being able to give up control as they are
aspects of both of these views in their assessment of themselves choosing to follow their desire to be dominated. Finally,
and other BDSM practitioners, a finding that highlights the Baumeister (1997) proposed that people are drawn to sexual
diversity and complexity of BDSM practitioners and the risks masochism partly by means of a desire to escape the stresses
inherent to oversimplifying or dichotomizing. and limitations of one’s ordinary identity. Our results both
Although the development of BDSM identity was not dis- support and diverge from this perspective. Although some

60 The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467
 Perks, problems, and the people who play

participants (both submissive and dominant) clearly ex- and sexual orientations were interviewed, men in BDSM rela-
pressed a benefit of escaping their daily role, interviewees tionships with other men may have been underrepresented.
also described being able to be themselves in a different con- In addition, the current study focused on participants who
text, to be more of themselves, or to express different aspects identified primarily with one role; thus no self-identified
of themselves. Some described expressing themselves differ- switches were able to participate. It was decided that a focus
ently based on their play partners or their needs at the time. on those with strong preferences for one role in the power ex-
Thus, even within the same participant’s interview, some change would allow an exploration of the potentially unique
BDSM practitioners discussed their roles (e.g., dominance) as aspects of these distinct roles. It is not our intention to sug-
being an escape from their typical roles (e.g., at work), but gest that research does not need to be inclusive of the full
also being more true to their authentic selves. Thus, it may spectrum of diversity of BDSM; rather, given the tendency of
be more accurate to think of BDSM as providing an opportu- previous empirical studies to typically lump all roles together,
nity or context to freely explore aspects of oneself – whether this unique look at seemingly ‘‘opposite’’ roles was intended
this means being more dominant if one is dominant in day- to be a good initial exploratory step and means of illuminat-
to-day life, or exploring aspects of self that are different, but ing shared and distinct messages coming from each group of
still part of the Gestalt of the entire person. Some participants practitioners. As switches are a very important part of the
implied that their BDSM roles were actually more similar to BDSM community, future research should include them as
who they really are than their everyday personas are, so per- well. For the purposes of this exploratory study, different
haps BDSM allows people to explore different dimensions of forms of dominant roles (dominant, top, sadist) and different
themselves and, in doing so, enact more complex and authen- forms of submissive roles (submissive, bottom, masochist) were
tic selves. considered together. However, future research could be done
Like any activity, BDSM has its challenges and most par- on how these, and other roles mentioned during the interviews
ticipants agreed that there are unique challenges for each role (master, slave, brat, gentle dominant, etc.) differ. These labels
and shared challenges as well. For dominants, the two main were important to the participants and conveyed different
challenges reported were that dominance involves more work meanings, yet research to date has not been so nuanced.
and responsibility, which can be taxing even if one wants such
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62 The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 2015, pp. 49–62; doi:10.3138/cjhs.2467
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