Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...

Disclaimer [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and

incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a
fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual
events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2022 Inksteady

All rights reserved. The moral rights of the author have been asserted.

***

Trigger Warning: The entire series will contain strong language and sensitive
themes.

Curses, foul words, violence, suicidal ideation, prejudice, self-harm, emotional

abuse, abandonment, death, political viewpoints, drug use, explicit sex scenes, and
other disturbing concepts will be displayed.

Readers' discretion is advised.

***

This book is the second installment in The Losers' Club Series. This includes
spoilers for the first book, In the Midst of the Crowd. Read at your own risk.

(You can read the series however you like, but I recommend reading it
chronologically to better understand the characters)

Also, the book cover is made only in Canva. I don't own the elements it contains.

***

Start: 05/03/22
End: 11/04/22

Prologue [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Prologue

I used to think that fathers were superheroes.

It was all clear to me — how I was envious of people who shared memes on Facebook
about their fathers carrying them to bed after they fell asleep on the couch or how
they were our first line of defense when things went wrong.

They said it was nice. They said that a father is a benchmark by which we judge all
men.

I grew up believing and dreaming of that.

But now, while looking at his deep-set brown eyes, which resembled mine, the
reality had finally awakened me.
"Mari, you have to graduate with honors. You have to be at the top of your class,"
he said. "I saw your grades. Alam kong matalino ka. It's not a surprise. Your
mother is a scientist . . ."

I breathed deeply, gulping the lump in my throat. A chemist and a scientist, that's
quite a pair.

"Nasaan po siya?" mahinang tanong ko.

I want to meet her too. I want to see how similar our features are.

"Probably in Malta with her family. I don't know." He shrugged. "Anyway, as I was
saying, my research firm needs fresh minds. But I'll only accept you if you perform
well in college."

I didn't show him how I was taken aback. It was my first time meeting him . . . and
these are the words he would tell me?

Walang 'kumusta, anak'? Walang 'proud ako sa 'yo'? Walang 'sorry, dahil inabandona
ka namin'?

He texted me months ago, and today, I wore my loveliest emerald dress and
straightened my long, wavy hair to have a nice dinner with him.

Hindi ko naman binanggit na gusto kong magtrabaho sa kanya. I just wanted to have a
meal. Maybe a talk between a daughter and a father. Between a supposed family.

I have always looked forward to this day. Hindi ako nagtanim ng galit sa kanila
kahit na alam ko ang rason kung bakit nila ako iniwan sa bahay-ampunan. I tried to
understand them. It should be like that, right? Everything has a reason . . . and
their best choice at that time was to abandon me.

"You can take any science program," marahang sabi niya, dahilan para maputol ang
iniisip ko.

I smiled a little, suppressing what I really felt. "BS Psychology po ang kukunin
ko."

"That's okay. May units naman ng natural science, so . . ." he said, chuckling,
"and my firm lacks psychology graduates. That's quite a choice."

There was a long silence after that. Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat sabihin. Hindi
naman kasi ito ang inaasahan ko.

He cleared his throat. "You need a place, right? Lalo at kalalabas n'yo lang ng
shelter." Ngumiti siya. "I have an apartment near your university. I'll lend it to
you and your three friends, but you have to always show me your grades and test
results."

I didn't want to agree. I love studying, but I don't want any pressure. Competitive
ako sa pag-aaral, pero hindi ibig sabihin noon ay grade-driven ako. Grades don't
motivate me; learning does. Kung ako ang papipiliin ay mas gugustuhin kong matuto
nang hindi iniisip ang markang makukuha ko.

But of course, not everything will go as we want it to. Especially for people like
me. Wala naman akong ibang maasahan bukod sa mga kaibigan ko na hindi rin nabigyan
ng pamilya. Ang mga ganitong oportunidad ay hindi dapat pinalalampas.
"I'll fund your place until you all finish college. Deal?"

I don't want Kat, one of my three friends who grew up with me in the orphanage, to
get even more stressed out just to make ends meet. Isang taon lang ang tanda niya
sa akin pero parang siya ang nagpalaki sa amin nina Mill at Karsen dahil sa mga
pinapasok niyang trabaho. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano niya napagsasabay-sabay ang
lahat.

Tumango ako. "Yes, dad."

He cringed, making my heart fall into the pit of my stomach.

"Don't call me that, silly!" tawa niya. "I'm Dr. Mendoza, and people know I only
have two sons."

I tried to put on a smile, not minding the disappointment that dawned on me.
"Hinahayaan n'yo po akong tawagin kayong gano'n sa text . . ."

Tumitig siya sa akin, unti-unting napapanis ang ngiti.

"Don't make things complicated, Mari." He wiped his mouth with a white cloth as he
stood.

I panicked a bit. "Aalis na po kayo?"

He nodded. "If you do well in school, I may consider introducing you to your mom."

"P-Po?"

"She didn't know I was looking for you." He glanced at his gold wrist watch. "I
really have to go. Let's just catch up some other time."

I felt a stabbing pain in my heart as I heard dismissal in his voice.

When's the other time, Mr. Mendoza? When are you going to tell me stories about my
mother? And why the hell am I so fixated on meeting you both when I don't even have
a memory of you?

Hindi na niya ako binigyan ng tyansa na makapagsalita. Isang tapik lang sa balikat
ay iniwan na niya ako.

I paused for a moment and sat there watching him walk away.

My biological parents, Percy Ezekiel Mendoza and Valeen Claire Medina, were two of
the most successful geniuses who contributed to the development of different
vaccines.

Weird and funny how they were both lovers of science, but when they had an affair,
they didn't even think of buying condoms or birth control pills.

Tapos noong nagbunga, itinapon lang naman nila ako sa Bahay Tuluyan.

Their reason? They have their own families.

And me? I'm a mistake . . . a mistake that could easily be manipulated.

A mistake that could stain their careers.

A mistake that could ruin their make-believe love for their partners.
"You'll only recognize me when I reach your level, right?" I whispered to myself as
my father get into the car.

I clenched my fist as a tear ran down my cheek. My heart was throbbing with pain.

For years, I fantasized about being hugged by him. I fantasized hearing him tell me
how proud he was of me. My fantasy . . . my greatest fantasy since I was seven, was
to be acknowledged.

Pinalis ko ang sariling luha at tumayo bitbit ang nagniningas na determinasyon. I

couldn't let my dreams die that way. Ito na 'yon. Kaunting pagsisikap lang at
magkakaroon din ako ng mga magulang na magsasabi sa akin na magaling ako . . . na
ako ang pinakamagandang regalo sa buhay nila.

I inhaled deeply and stared at the now-empty parking lot where my father had been.

I will get there, dad. Hintayin mo lang ako. Balang araw, hindi mo na ako makikita
bilang isang pagkakamali lang.

And so, with that in mind, my journey started in the most typical way possible —
the second week of college.

"The ABC model stands for Antecedents, Behavior, and Consequences," sabi ni Ms.
Lubrica, ang instructor namin sa general psychology. "Antecedents, ito 'yong
pangyayari sa buhay ng isang tao na nag-ti-trigger sa ugaling meron siya. It could
also be a series of past events that are at the root of his or her conduct."

I was jotting down notes while she was talking. Nabasa ko na ito noon kaya medyo
may ideya na ako sa sinasabi niya.

"Behavior, from the word itself, is the action that follows the antecedent. Ito
'yong tumutukoy sa kung anong ugali o kung anong ginawa natin dahil doon sa
nangyari. And consequences, napaka-self-explanatory, ay 'yong outcome ng naging
behavior natin."

She wrote "ABC" on the whiteboard.

"For example, laging nagtatalo ang mga magulang mo at dumating sa punto na

naghiwalay na sila — that's your antecedent." She gestured at A.

I nodded, taking all her words in.

"Ang ginawa mo, dahil pasan mo ang mundo, nagrebelde ka. You started taking illegal
drugs and became an alcoholic. Ito naman 'yong behavior mo," she continued as she
pointed from B to C. "As a consequence, you're now in your 40's and you feel like
your life is going nowhere."

Kasabay ng pakikinig ay ang dire-diretso kong pagsusulat. Ms. Lubrica told us from
the start that she wouldn't give us handouts. Nag-post lang siya ng PDF file ng
librong ginagamit niya sa Facebook group namin.

Tahimik lang ang buong klase. The topic seemed to pique everyone's interest.

"So, class, if I were to ask you, whose fault do you think it is?" She flashed a
smile. "The antecedent or the behavior? Your parents or yours?"

I looked around. Wala sa mga kaklase ko ang nagtaas ng kamay para sumagot. Ang iba
ay yumuko pa para hindi nila maka-eye-to-eye si Ma'am.
That was my cue.

I confidently raised my hand, just as I had done the past few days. Nakarinig agad
ako ng mga buntong-hininga. Sighs of relief or irritation, I don't know. Inignora
ko iyon lahat.

If they don't find recitation a big deal, then it's a different story for me. I
have a goal to achieve. I don't mind jumping at any opportunity to keep improving
my grades.

Bumaling si Ma'am sa akin. "Yes, Ms. Mendoza?"

I beamed as I stood up. "I think the ones to blame are the parents, ma'am. 'Yon
pong antecedent."

She nodded. "How can you say so?"

I turned to my classmates, and I noticed that they were all watching me, as if
waiting for my answer. I didn't feel a tiny bit of tension. I was used to speaking
and presenting in front of groups. Hindi na bago sa akin ito.

Being at the top, like what my father wanted, was easy. I was always there. I've
been a valedictorian since pre-school and I graduated as a gold medalist in senior
high school.

"The parents are to bear responsibility because the child may have gotten
traumatized as a result of their constant fighting, and when they went their own
ways, this trauma could've blossomed into something the child couldn't manage," I
explained. "So, 'yong pagrerebelde ng bata, is a valid response to his pain. We
have different coping mechanisms, and maybe, he found comfort in illegal drugs and
alcohol."

Muling tumango si Ma'am. "So, you're saying — for example, ikaw 'yong bata — kapag
tinanong ka kung bakit naging gan'yan ang buhay mo, ang isasagot mo ay dahil
naghiwalay at na-trauma ka sa mga magulang mo. Am I getting it right?"

"Yes, ma'am," I replied, nodding slightly.

She smiled as she looked at the class. It was then that I knew I could sit down.

"Who wants to debunk Ms. Mendoza's claim?"

I grinned to myself. I'm pretty confident with my answer. No one should be held
responsible for how they reacted to the trauma that was inflicted on them. Kung sa
pagrerebelde mababawasan ang sakit, sino ang makakapagsabing mali 'yon?

"Tama na 'yan, ma'am!" tawa ni Shaira. "Si Mari na, eh."

"True. Walang papalag at baka mauwi sa debate!" segunda pa ni Karen.

I pursed my lips. Marami akong kaklase ngayong college na kaklase ko rin noong
senior high school kaya hindi ako masyadong nahirapang mag-adjust. Especially
because they knew from the start how serious I was about my studies. Hindi na bago
sa ilan sa kanila ang pagiging 'bida-bida' ko. Kaya lang, sigurado akong pansin
nilang nadagdagan 'yon.

"Wala talaga?" tanong ulit ni Ma'am habang pinagku-krus ang braso niya. "I heard
there are two gold medalists in this class. Parang hindi ko pa naririnig 'yong
isa."

Kasabay ng pagtaas ng kilay ko ay ang pagtatapon ko ng tingin kay Zamora na mukhang

walang pakialam sa nangyayari. He was just playing with his pen, looking bored as
usual. A rectangular metal-framed glasses nestled firmly on the prominent bridge of
his nose. Sa itsura at postura niya ay mukhang ni hindi niya narinig ang sinabi ko.

"Opo, ma'am! Si Leon!" kinikilig na sigaw ni Maricar. "St. Gomez represent!"

Hindi ko inalis ang tingin kay Zamora. He came from St. Gomez, the rival school of
my alma mater, Colegio de Lopez, and just like me, he was the valedictorian of his
class. The only difference was that I graduated with a 97.5 average, whereas he got
a 98.2.

I was worried before that he would hinder my goal, but ever since college started,
I have never heard him recite in class.

He was handsome, I'd give him that. He looked like a smart guy straight out of a
manga. He wore our all-white uniform as if it was a fashion statement. Hindi na rin
nakapagtataka kung bakit marami sa department namin o kahit sa buong school mismo
ang nahuhumaling sa kanya.

"Care to share your thoughts, Mr. Zamora?" tanong ni Ma'am.

He put down his pen, and his dark eyes, much to my surprise, shifted to me. Our
gazes met in an instant. I had to tighten my fist and turn my attention to Ms.
Lubrica because I felt a sliver of tension building in my core.

Our classroom seats were arranged in a square pattern, similar to the one seen at
high school Christmas parties.

Kung tutuusin ay magkatapat lang kami. I was seated on the right side of the room,
and he was on the opposite side. Dahil sa arrangement ng mga silya namin, sa kanya
madalas napapatutok ang mata ko tuwing nag-iisip ako.

It wasn't the first time he caught me looking at him. Noong una ay nagpapanic pa
ako, pero ngayon ay tahimik na lang akong nag-iiwas ng tingin. Sana lang ay hindi
niya in-a-assume na sinasadya kong mapatitig sa kanya.

"Mr. Zamora, are you with us?"

I couldn't help but grin at our instructor's remark.

"Yes, ma'am," he answered. His voice was deep and clear.

Ms. Lubrica gave a slight nod. She peered at him with her arms crossed and her head
tilted.

"Do you agree with Ms. Mendoza?"

Dahan-dahan kong ibinalik ang tingin sa lalaki. Nakatayo na siya ngunit walang
bakas ng kaba sa mukha niya kahit pa alam ng lahat na strikta si Ms. Lubrica.

He shifted his weight, probably thinking of what to answer. It made me bat an

eyelash. The way he paused sparked my anticipation as I could feel my normally calm
nerves tense up.

I had no idea why I was the one feeling nervous. Natatakot ba ako para sa kanya o
natatakot akong hindi siya sumang-ayon sa akin? Hindi ko alam. I mean, yes, I can
defend my answer, but putting all the prejudices aside, I know I find him
intimidating.

"I don't," he answered flatly.

Two words . . . just two words . . . and my mouth sprang open.

Sabay-sabay ang pagsinghap ng mga kaklase ko. Ang iba ay ramdam ko ang pagbaling sa
akin ngunit hindi ko na sila pinansin dahil napako na ang mga mata ko sa lalaki.

"Why?" Maririnig ang pagkamangha sa tinig ni Ma'am.

I gritted my teeth and watched him closely. Wala pa man ay nanginginig na ang
kalamnan ko.

"It's our fault. Everyone has antecedents, and while our reactions to certain
situations are understandable, I don't think we should always blame the source of
our conduct."

My classmates clapped in joy, crashing my pride in an instant.

"Ang ganda no'n kahit wala akong naintindihan!"

I heard Ms. Lubrica chuckle. "Elaborate."

The guy's expression remained impassive. Nakatingin lang siya kay Ma'am at ang mga
mata ay parang inaantok.

"Yes, when our parents are at odds, it's obvious how selfish and irresponsible they
are for not thinking about our welfare." He looked at me, his gaze catching mine
for the second time today. "I understand where Ms. Mendoza is coming from. At some
point, our parents are to blame because, just like what she said, they were the
root of our trauma."

We were in a staring contest and I had no intention of losing. I knew he was just
sharing his opinion and that there was nothing wrong with it, but my ego couldn't
stomach it! Ngayon na nga lang siya nag-recite, minamali niya pa 'ko!

"But then, Ms. Mendoza, isn't it our choice to be rebellious? Isn't it our choice
to take illegal drugs and be an alcoholic?" he asked as he cocked his head, showing
the perfect cut of his jaw.

"Whoooo, sabunutan!" sigaw ng mga kaklase ko.

"Battle of the brains! Paano naman kaming masaya lang?!"

"Sana hindi na lang ako pumasok kung kayo lang naman ang magkakaintindihan!"
natatawang sabi ni Shaira.

"Ms. Chavez!" suway ni Ma'am sa babae.

"Eme lang, ma'am! Gets ko po syempre!" sagot niya.

I took a deep breath and relaxed. Hindi puwedeng ipakita ko sa lalaki na napipikon
ako sa kanya. Come on, ni hindi ito graded recitation! Why am I so pressed?

"Saying that our parents should be mainly blamed is nothing but pure
irresponsibility," muling saad ni Zamora nang tumahimik ang mga kaklase ko. "And
no, we shouldn't tolerate rebellion as a valid response to our pain."
He was really debunking my answer. That's . . . great.

Yumuko ako at nagsulat na lang ng kung ano-ano sa notebook ko. I must be nuts for
thinking he was handsome! Feeling naman niya! Pagandahan na lang kami ng notes!

"Ayaw lang nating sisihin 'yong sarili natin, pero 'yong behavior talaga natin
'yong mali. Bakit? Lahat ba ng produkto ng broken family ay naging rebelde? Lahat
ba ng naiwan ay itinapon 'yong sarili nilang buhay?" he said as he shook his head.
"No."

Okay, he has a point, but I will still stand by my answer. Pakialam niya ba kung
naging rebelde 'yong iba? People have different levels of sensitivity. Iba-iba rin
tayo ng tugon sa problema. At wala akong nakikitang mali ro'n!

"We keep on putting the blame on the antecedent because we don't want to hold
ourselves accountable for the choices we made," mas malinaw na sabi niya. "Yes, we
have different coping mechanisms, but I think it is high time for us to stop
portraying ourselves as victims when we were obviously offered a different path but
chose the one we knew was wrong," he uttered, finally putting an end to his
argument.

Our classmates applaud him again. Some even rose to their feet to show their
approval of his response.

I don't get it. Mas tama ang sagot ko!

"Ms. Mendoza, do you have anything to say?" tanong ni Ma'am.

I stood up confidently, as if my ego hadn't just been crushed a minute ago. My

heart was racing against my chest, but I didn't let it show on my surface.

"So, Mr. Zamora . . ." I trailed off as I focused my attention on him. "Are you
aware that you're invalidating others' coping mechanisms now?"

My classmates fell silent, but I could sense their excitement at the situation.

Lumitaw ang maliit na ngiti sa labi ng lalaki, dahilan para lalong mag-init ang ulo
ko. Both of us were standing, and if we were in a fantasy film, a bolt of lightning
would surely strike between our gazes.

"Really?" he sounded amused.

"Yup," I replied, smiling. "Your statement emphasizes the need to respond

positively to whatever occurs. I mean, who are we to advise people on how they
should respond to their pain? Isa pa, children whose parents often argue and
eventually split up, bear the consequences. Kailangan nila ng guidance. And if that
can't be provided by their so-called parents . . . bakit bata ang sisisihin?"

He nodded. "Children can respond to their pain in that way . . . yes, you have a
point." He paused for a moment. "But it was said that you were already in your
40's, Ms. Mendoza. What have you been doing all these years? Didn't you grasp some
sense of morality? Hindi mo ba nalaman kung ano ang tama at mali?"

I gritted my teeth. How could he sound so calm?!

"Well, that's how the environment affects and molds one's behavior, Mr. Zamora."

Inayos niya ang salamin niya. I swear to god I heard my classmates' dreamy and
silent shrieks!

My heart skipped a beat when he suddenly looked like he was in for a game. "Okay,
let me make it easy for you."

"What?" mahinang bulaslas ko.

"If the tables had turned, would you say the same?" he asked, but I just stared at
him, not understanding a thing. "If you become successful because of what happened,
will you say that your successes were achieved because your parents split up?"

"Of course not!" I answered immediately.

"Exactly."

"Lumalayo ka na sa topic," depensa ko.

He shook his head. "Ms. Lubrica said earlier that the consequences are the outcomes
of our behavior," sabi pa niya. "What? If things turned out to be good, sa 'yo ang
acknowledgement? Pero kapag pangit, you'll point fingers?"

Para akong nasuntok sa tanong niya.

No, Mari! You won't think he's making sense! Fuck, erase from your head that he's
making a lot of sense!

"That's where the problem lies, Ms. Mendoza. You are in control of your decisions.
Hindi puwedeng lagi kang maghahanap ng sisisihin. Oo, malaki 'yong kasalanan ng mga
magulang, but don't forget to look at how you behaved after the antecedent. I'm not
implying that your feelings are unreasonable; rather, I think you could have made a
better choice."

"Still . . ." I almost choked.

God, I need to say something! I need to defend myself! I can't let him eat me
alive!

"Hindi kasalanan ng bata." I wanted to walk straight out of the room when I
realized how pointless my response was. "I mean . . . they just . . . uhm . . ."
Goodness, Amari Sloane! "They did what they thought was best for them. They were
taken over by their emotions, and that's valid."

He pursed his lips. "While catering to our emotions is helpful because it makes us
feel better, I think we should set a limit on how far we should attend to our
feelings after a traumatic incident. We shouldn't allow anything to entirely
control us, because in the end, we'll be the ones to suffer."

Tuluyan akong nawalan ng sasabihin. Was he always like this? May sagot sa lahat?
Kung ganoon pala, bakit hindi siya nagsasalita noon? Bakit tahimik lang siya kapag
nagtatanong ang instructors?

I heaved a sigh. He's finally acting like a gold medalist . . . and I fucking hate
it!

"Ms. Mendoza, are you done?" untag ni Ma'am.

My lips quivered. The moment I said yes, I knew that would mean accepting defeat.
But what more can I say? I don't want to admit this, but Zamora's got a point!
I gulped as I looked over to Ms. Lubrica. "Yes, Ma'am . . ." My voice trembled a
bit.

She smiled as she motioned for me to sit down. Ganoon din ang tinging iginawad niya
sa lalaki.

"Both points are good. They shared different viewpoints and outlooks. It was the
most interactive discourse I've had in this class so far. Thank you for that, Ms.
Mendoza and Mr. Zamora," she said. "But then, I have to commend Mr. Zamora's
answer."

I muttered a curse as I focused my gaze on my notebook. I feel bad for myself. I

feel . . . defeated.

"We can only improve the antecedent if possible, but the consequences, as I've said
— thank you for pointing that out, Mr. Zamora — are the outcomes of our behavior,"
pagpapatuloy ni Ma'am.

My classmates, after being silent, came back to their squeals and cheers.

"St. Gomez, my beloved alma mater!"

Nagtawanan sila.

"Colegio de Lopez pa rin ang nag-champion sa cheerdance!"

"Edi mag-stunt ka kapag may exam!"

"Maricar, what if mag-shut up challenge ka?"

The louder they get, the more I feel ashamed. Confident na confident pa ako kanina.

"Calm down, guys. Ms. Mendoza's answer can actually win a lot of young hearts,"
sabi ni Ma'am. "Anyway, iyon ang tatandaan n'yo. Kung may option tayong piliin ang
makakabuti sa atin, bakit hindi natin 'yon piliin? We're responsible for the
choices we make."

I wrote it down. Alam kong hindi ko malilimutan ang mga sinasabi niya pero isinulat
ko pa rin. To distract myself maybe.

"But at the end of the day, even if we make tons of bad decisions, we should learn
how to forgive ourselves and for not knowing any better. Why? Because acknowledging
our mistakes will lead to a change in behavior," pagpapatuloy niya. "And come on,
class! Life can start at any age. We can never reshape the past. We cannot undo
what's been done. We cannot take back what's been said. But then, we still have a
future to plan for. So, think wisely."

Matapos marinig iyon ay nag-angat ako ng tingin. I saw Ms. Lubrica going to the
teacher's table to fix her things. Ang mga kaklase ko naman ay kanya-kanya na ang
kuwentuhan dahil malapit nang mag-time.

Just as I had expected, when Ms. Lubrica faced us, she said, "Class dismissed."

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang espiritung sumapi sa akin at lumipad ang tingin ko sa
lalaking binasura ang sagot ko.

I thought I had calmed down already. I thought I didn't take it too personally. I
thought accepting defeat would be easy for me.
But then, when I caught him staring at me as he adjusted his glasses, for some
reason, my anger flared again.

I gave him a hard look. Anong tinitingin-tingin niya? Ganoon ba siya ka-desperadong
makita ang reaksyon ko? Ganoon niya ba ka-gustong isampal sa akin na siya ang tama?
Ganoon ba siya ka-bilib sa sarili niya?

Sa mga iniisip ay lalong nanlisik ang mga mata ko. Ms. Lubrica said that my opinion
is not completely wrong! I just look at the scenario from a different perspective!
What the hell is he thinking?!

My mouth hung open when he grinned a little. He shook his head and lowered his
gaze, leaving me dying of wrath and humiliation.

My hands trembled when I realized what had happened.

Hold on tight, Mari. That asshole of a lion just declared war.

Chapter 1 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 1

I sipped on my tea as I watched the raindrops dash across the window. Some made
their way down as quickly as they could. Some paused for a moment, as if savoring
the life of being free from the clouds. And some . . . some didn't make it to the
window. They went straight out of the ground, colliding and clashing.

I took a deep breath and exhaled deeply.

Another day. Another day of stress. Another day of pressure.

Sana, gaya ng ulan, puwede rin akong dumiretso na lang sa lupa. That way, I
wouldn't have to feel awful for not achieving perfection. That way, I wouldn't have
to deal with self-disappointment.

"Anong oras ka uuwi mamaya?"

Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang marinig ang boses ni Mill sa likuran ko. I turned
around to face her, and I couldn't help but notice how attractive she was. Naka-
uniform na siya. In her left hand was a black cloth, and she was carefully pressing
it to her damp pixie-cut hair.

"Ano?" inis na tanong niya nang mapansin ang pagtitig ko.

I grimaced and tried to think of a reason not to compliment her.

"T-shirt ko 'yan," sagot ko.

She laughed. "Kaya pala amoy luom."

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "Siraulo ka ba? Ni hindi ko pa nga 'yan nagagamit!"

She is really pretty. 'Wag lang talagang magsasalita.

"Edi pangit ang laba mo."

"Ah, talaga? Itinerno ko kasi sa mukha mo," I fired back.

Lalong lumawak ang ngisi niya. "Laging may sagot amputa."

Nakasimangot kong ibinalik ang tingin sa bintana. Bwisit na babae! Ang paya-payapa
ng umaga ko pero ginugulo niya!

I felt her move closer to my side. "Ano ngang oras ang uwi mo mamaya?"

I took another sip of my tea. Alas diez ang klase ko pero dahil maaga akong
nagising ay tinulungan ko na lang si Kat na magluto ng umagahan namin. Late na rin
kasing nakauwi sina Karsen at Mill kagabi dahil sa trabaho.

"Three," sagot ko.

I put down my mug after realizing that I had already consumed my drink.

Kat, Mill, and Karsen were my childhood friends in Bahay Tuluyan, the shelter who
put a roof over our heads. Ako ang nauna roon dahil ilang linggo pa lang akong
naisisilang ay ipinadala na agad ako sa ampunan. I was one when Karsen came. Halos
dalawang buwan pa lang siya noon. Sumunod naman ay si Mill na ka-edad ko lang. We
were only three at that time. Makalipas lang din ang isang buwan ay dumating na si
Kat.

I couldn't remember how our friendship started. Iba-iba kami ng katangian kaya kung
titingnan ay parang imposible kaming mabuo. Karsen was innocent and playful, Mill
was fierce and aggressive, and Kat, well, what could I say about her? She was the
most generous and helpful person I have ever known.

I remember her giving me her revenue from selling sampaguita when I was in grade
school. Ayoko na kasing mag-aral noon. I was so close to giving up my studies. I
just couldn't bear seeing my classmates being fetched by their parents. I couldn't
stand watching them eat while my stomach tightened in hunger.

Ibinigay sa akin ni Kat ang napagbentahan niya dahil alam niyang gusto kong bumili
ng chuckie na nakikita ko lang noon sa mga kaklase ko.

It wasn't a big deal to me back then.

But now I see how much love it takes to give someone something when you're barely
surviving.

"May gagawin ka after?" untag ni Mill.

Umiling lang ako.

"Wala kang client?" tanong niya ulit.

I chuckled gently. "Hindi muna ako tumanggap. May ipon pa naman ako. Ang dami kong
inayusan last week, eh."

"O siya, sumama ka sa 'kin mamaya."

"Saan naman?"

She laughed as she put down the black cloth. "Iinom."

I frowned at her. "Hindi ka ba nanghihinayang sa pera? Ang mahal mahal ng alak

ngayon, eh."

Tinitigan ko siya nang matagal. Among all my friends, Mill was the closest to me.
Siguro dahil ilang taon din kaming magkaklase. Ngayong college lang naman kami
naghiwalay dahil magkaiba kami ng kursong kinuha.

"Samahan mo na 'ko," pamimilit niya. "Gusto ko kasing mag-inom. Two and a half
months pa lang tayong college, pagod na agad ako."

"Gagawin mo lang akong tagapag-alaga mo!"

Muli siyang tumawa. "Nadali mo!"

Inirapan ko lang siya at hindi na ako nagulat nang bigla siyang sumigaw na parang
tanga. Alam niya kasing hindi ko naman siya matitiis. Ganoon din kasi siya sa akin
kapag nala-late ako ng uwi dahil sa part-time job ko bilang make-up artist. She
would always pick me up because she knew how dangerous the streets were at night.

"Kumain na tayo!" sigaw ni Kat. "Karsen, bumangon ka na at lalagyan ko pa ng

salonpas 'yang likod mo."

"Hindi na masakit, ate!" maliit ang boses na sagot ni Karsen.

"Eh, ang tiyan mo? Humihilab pa?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Kat. "Ang kulit mo kasi.
Kailangan ko pa bang mag-alarm para ipaalala sa 'yo kung anong oras dapat kumain?
Magkaka-ulcer ka n'yan, eh."

I grinned to myself when I saw Mill scratching the back of her neck.

"Shuta, ang aga naman ng balitaktakan ng mag-ina."

Pumasok muna ako sa kwarto namin ni Kat para ihanda ang uniform ko, bago mag-
umagahan kasama ang tatlo. Karsen went on to talk about her idol in the same way
she always did, and Kat, being Kat, advised us of our daily reminder — unahin ang
pag-aaral para hindi mawala ang scholarship, huwag magpagabi sa daan kung hindi
kailangan, at huwag kalimutang kumain.

"Mari, sabihin mo sa 'kin kapag kinukulit ka pa ni Jin, ha?" saad ni Mill. "Punyeta
'yang ex mo, eh. Masasapak ko na 'yon kapag sumunod-sunod ulit sa 'yo."

I breathed deeply. "Hayaan mo na. Hindi ko naman pinapansin."

"Kahit pa! Siya na nga ang cheater—"

"Millicent," Katana cut her off. "Nasa harap tayo ng pagkain."

"Eh, gago kasi, eh."

I smiled to myself. She was more affected than I was because she introduced me to
Jin in senior high school. Our relationship lasted for four months. He was my first
love . . . But, yeah, he duped me into believing in false promises before cheating
on me.

"Basta, kapag nangulit pa, sabihan mo 'ko."

I nodded. Akala mo naman ay hindi niya ako madalas asarin do'n! She'd always say
that my ex is an asshole. Which is . . . true. Painfully true.

My mornings were always like that. These three set a model for what a family should
be like. Noon tuloy ay hindi ko maiwasang isipin kung anong saya ang dala ng
pamilyang pinagkaisa ng dugo.
They didn't know my father's arrangement with me. Ang alam lang nila ay ipinahiram
ito ni Dad bilang paghingi ng tawad sa pag-iwan sa akin sa ampunan.

I prepared for school after breakfast. Dahil may oras pa ay hindi ko naiwasang mag-
ayos.

I have naturally loose curls that fall past my waist. Some people told me how
beautiful it looked, but trust me, taking care of it wasn't easy, especially since
curls don't always look styled. Most mornings, I would wake up looking like I'd
been in a war.

Hindi rin ako kasing puti ng mga kaibigan ko. I'm not dark, but I'm not fair
either.

After refining my brows, I pulled my hair back into a high ponytail and put on my
favorite crimson red lipstick.

Ang pag-aayos ko na 'yon ay mabilis ko ring pinagsisihan nang mapansin ko kung

gaano kasiksikan ang mga jeep na dumadaan. Kitang-kita ko pa ang maiitim na usok
mula sa tambutso ng mga sasakyan. Kung kaninang umaga ay umuulan, ngayon ay parang
bumaba si satanas sa lupa dahil sa init.

I held the chain-strap of my white shoulder bag as the humid air kissed my exposed
neck.

Malapit lang naman ang school namin. Kung tutuusin ay puwede kong lakarin. Kaya
lang, dahil tirik ang araw ay mas gusto ko na lang mag-commute.

While waiting, I felt my cellphone vibrate.

From: Shaira

saan na u queen

I smiled as I replied.

To: Shaira

Pasakay na. Nand'yan na si Ma'am?

From: Shaira

wala pa pero bilisan mo at kokopya ako ng label sa gen bio wahahahahaha xd ingat

I slid my cellphone into the pocket of my bag. I didn't want to get worked up, but
I knew that the longer I stayed here, the more likely I would be late for class.

Naramdaman ko ulit ang pag-vi-vibrate ng cellphone ko, pero hindi ko na iyon

sinilip dahil may dumaang jeep sa tapat ko. The heavens might have seen my
desperation. I extended my arm as eagerly as I could, and I breathed a sigh of
relief when it stopped. It was almost ten meters away from me, so I ran a little to
get there.

Namumuo ang pawis sa noo ko nang makaupo sa pinakadulo, sa likuran ng driver. I

smiled as I glanced at my wristwatch and saw that I still had time. Terror ang
instructor namin sa general biology, ang first subject namin. Ni hindi ito
nagbibigay ng grace period.

I was about to reply to Shaira when my eyes were pulled into a DSM-5-TR book by the
person beside me. Pakiramdam ko ay nagningning ang mga mata ko roon. I felt my
blood gushing through my veins because of seeing such beauty.

I mean . . . who wouldn't?! It was the newest edition of the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders! The holy scripture of psych majors!

And the last time I checked, it was $200!

With my eyes surely gleaming, I turned and looked at the owner of the book only to
realize that it was my beloved classmate, Leon Ysmael Zamora.

His dark, cold eyes met mine in an instant. Bahagyang umarko ang kilay niya at bago
pa magtagal ang tinginan namin ay tumalikod na ako.

How come he was already reading the DSM-5-TR?! Hindi pa kami nag-ta-take ng
abnormal at clinical psychology pero nagbabasa na siya! He was too advanced!

Kaya siguro malabo ang mata niya! Basa nang basa!

I sighed harshly when his fresh scent reached my nose. He smelled like he had just
stepped out of the shower and sprinkled himself with a cool, manly fragrance.

Sa halos tatlong buwan naming pagiging magkaklase ay ito ang unang beses na
nakasabay ko siya sa jeep. Lagi naman siyang nauunang dumating sa room kaysa sa
akin. Madalas ay naabutan ko siyang tulog o kaya naman ay nagbabasa.

Yes, reading. Kahit vacant, lunch time, recess . . . I had never seen him without
his books. Maraming siyang kabarkada sa iba't ibang programs pero tuwing nakikita
nilang nagbabasa ang lalaki ay hindi nila ito pinapakialamanan.

Inabala ko ang sarili sa pagtingin sa labas. Sa lahat ng mga kaklase ko ay siya

lang ang hindi ko pa nakakausap nang hindi related sa acads. Not that I wanted to.
He always obtained the highest marks in our exams. Minsan ay tie kami, pero
kalimitan talaga ay mas mataas siya. Bilang sa daliri kung ilang beses ko siyang
nataasan. Sa minor subjects pa!

Nang matanaw ang university ay inayos ko na ang gamit ko. I tried my best not to
look at Leon because I might end up glaring at him. Simula noong nag-debate kami ay
lagi na kaming pinagsasabong ng mga kaklase ko. Tuloy ay puro inis ang nararamdaman
ko sa kanya.

As competitive as I was, nakipag-unahan pa ako sa pagbaba sa kanya kahit pa siya

naman ang nasa bukana. The silence between us was just too much for my system!

Unfortunately, before I even had the chance to get out of the jeep, the driver had
called me.

"Ineng na naka-puting bag, hindi ka pa nagbabayad!"

To say that it was groundbreakingly humiliating was an understatement.

I felt my jaw drop as I shifted my gaze back to the driver, my eyes widening each
second. Everyone's attention was drawn to me. Some squinted, as if they were
judging me.

Dali-dali akong naupo sa bakanteng upuan sa gilid ko. "Pasensya na po! Nakalimutan
ko!" I said as I panicked.

"Kung hindi ka pa tinawag . . ." naiinis na saad ng driver.

"Sorry po talaga, kuya. Ito na po."

I went over my things to get my wallet. Rinig ko ang bulungan ng mga pasahero.

"Mahal ang pamasahe ngayon tapos maiisipan n'yo pang mag-123?"

Sa sobrang pagmamadali ay hindi ko makita ang pitaka ko. Nakakapa ko iyon sa

pinakailalim ng mga gamit ko pero hindi ko naman makuha dahil sa labis na
pagkataranta.

"Ang mga kabataan talaga ngayon. Parang hindi napapalaki nang ayos ng magulang."

Bahagya akong napatigil sa narinig. I slowly lifted my head. It came from an old
lady who sat across from me.

"Excuse me, ano pong sabi n'yo?" hindi napigilang tanong ko.

Hindi sumagot ang matanda, dahilan para umahon ang inis sa dibdib ko.

Can't she see that it was an honest mistake?! Bakit kailangan pang mandamay ng
magulang?

"Magbabayad naman po ako. What's the need to say that, ma'am?" I asked again,
trying my hardest to control my anger.

"Neng, kung hindi ka nahuli, hindi ka magbabayad."

"Eh, nakalimutan ko nga po, eh. Hindi ko naman po ikakayaman ang sampung piso!" I
pointed out.

My emotions were in turmoil. Hindi ko alam kung OA lang ako o ano, pero naiinis ako
dahil kailangan niya pang makisali! At isa pa, magbabayad naman talaga ako!

"Grabe, sumasagot pa, 'no?" sabi niya sa kasama. "Iba talaga ang attitude ng mga
kabataan ngayon."

I was all set to lash out on her when Leon got in between us. Palabas na siya ng
jeep pero tumigil pa siya sa tapat ko.

"Let's go," he said, almost commanding me.

I clenched my fist. "Hindi pa 'ko tapos."

He gave me a sidelong glance. "Don't create a scene. Inaabala n'yo ang driver."

I took deep breaths in and out to relax. I pulled out my wallet and prepared to pay
my fare when he interrupted me again.

"Bayad na."

Hindi na ako pinagsalita dahil bumaba na agad siya.

Isang beses pa akong napabuntong-hininga bago humingi ulit ng tawad sa driver. I

went out, feeling ashamed and irritated. Gusto kong makipagsagutan sa matandang
babae pero tama si Leon, maaabala ang driver. Miski ang ibang pasahero.

I looked at the gate, and was taken aback when I saw him standing on its side, as
if waiting for me . . . or someone. I don't know. His hair swept in the flurry of
air, and the blazing sun rays brushed against his brown, smooth skin.

Nang makita ako ay saka siya pumasok na sa loob.

Sumunod din agad ako sa kanya pero hindi ko siya sinabayan sa paglalakad. I was
just walking behind him, a bit embarrassed about what happened. Kung hindi niya ako
pinigilan, malamang ay nakikipagtalo pa rin ako sa matandang babae.

Kumuha ako ng sampung piso sa pitaka ko at buo ang loob na tinabihan siya. He was
tall. Hanggang ilalim lang ako ng baba niya kahit na medyo mataas ang white shoes
ko.

"Oh," I said, acting confidently as I handed him the two five-peso coins.

He adjusted his specs without looking at me and continued walking.

Parang hindi niya ako narinig! Or worse, wala siyang pakialam sa sinabi ko!

I followed him again.

"Ito nga," sabi ko pa.

"Save it," he said, dismissing me.

Umiling ako habang pilit pa ring sinasabayan ang paglalakad niya. God! Ang haba-
haba ng biyas niya! Siguradong hahapuin ako sa pagsunod sa kanya!

"Pamasahe ko 'to, Zamora."

Hindi niya pa rin ako pinansin.

"Come on, just accept this!" inis nang reklamo ko.

His chest heaved against his uniform, para bang nagtitimping pagalitan ako. Tumigil
siya sa paglalakad at hindi na ako nagulat nang binalingan niya ako ng tingin.

His annoyed look scared me for a second.

I cursed silently. Fuck him and his intimidating eyes!

"I'm not gonna hold you hostage over that," he said, brows furrowed. "And I'm
running late for class. Stop being so nosy."

Para akong natauhan. I glanced at my watch and my lips parted when I saw the time.

"One minute!" I gasped.

Nauna nang maglakad sa akin ang lalaki kaya kumaripas ako ng takbo. Nalampasan ko
siya pero wala na akong pakialam. I ran as quickly as I could. Double period 'yon!
Kapag na-mark as absent ako ay parang dalawang meeting akong wala!

I almost cried in frustration. Malayo ang department namin sa gate. Marami pang
estudyante ang paharang-harang kaya natagalan ako.

To no avail, I arrived at our classroom five minutes late. Tahimik na ang mga
kaklase ko at hindi ko magawang pumasok dahil naririnig ko na ang boses ni Ma'am
Abulencia, ang biology instructor at homeroom adviser namin.

If it were Ms. Lubrica, I'd feel less nervous . . . but why does it have to be that
grumpy old maid?!

Lalo akong nataranta nang makita si Leon na dire-diretso ang lakad papasok ng room.
Ni hindi man lang ako niyaya!

Napabuga ako ng hangin bago siya sundan. This better be good!

Gaya ng inaasahan ko, nakita kong nakatayo lang sa gilid ng room ang lalaki habang
nakatingin sa kanya si Ma'am. Hindi na ako nabigyan ng pagkakataong magtago sa
likod niya dahil mabilis akong nahuli ng mga mata ng ginang.

"Ms. Mendoza, why am I not surprised?" she asked. "This is your third time coming
late to my class . . ."

I bowed my head. "I'm sorry, ma'am."

I'd admit it. Hindi valid ang rason ko ngayon hindi gaya noong naunang dalawa. May
mga kliyente kasi akong nagpaayos sa akin nang maaga at hindi ko naman magawang
tumanggi dahil malaki ang ibinabayad nila. I'm saving up for my thesis and lab
reports. Kailangan kong mag-doble kayod.

Pero fifteen minutes lang naman akong late noon! Ngayon nga ay limang minuto lang!
Ni hindi niya pa naaayos ang projector.

"Mr. Zamora, ikaw? Bakit ngayon ka lang?"

I didn't know why I felt guilty. Kung hindi niya ako kinausap sa jeep kanina ay
siguradong makakaabot siya. Sana rin ay hindi na siya tumambay sa gate. He knew he
was late . . . tapos ganoon pa ang ginawa niya.

"Pinatawag po ako sa school ng kapatid ko, ma'am," magalang na sagot niya.

"Why?"

"Misconduct."

Sumilip ako kay Ma'am at nakita ko ang dahan-dahang pagtango niya sa lalaki. She
motioned for me to stand next to Leon, which I did.

Humarap si Ma'am sa laptop niya. "Both of you, let's have a quick review. What are
the two basic ways of cellular transport?"

Hindi ko ipinahalata ang kaba ko. Ma'am Abulencia and her questions!

"Passive and active," sagot ni Leon.

I groaned inwardly. Naunahan niya 'ko!

Our instructor nodded slowly. "Give me their difference."

"The cell in passive transport does not utilize any energy to facilitate particle
movement from one place to another, but the cell in active transport does," dire-
diretsong saad ng lalaki, ni hindi ako binigyan ng pagkakataong makapagsalita.

My classmates gasped. Focus, Mari! Focus!

"In animal and plant cells, where do most of the respiration reactions take place?"
tanong ulit ni Ma'am.
"Mitochondria," I answered almost instantly, a little scared of Leon.

Tumango si Ma'am. "What is a sac-like organelle that manufactures, packs, and

transports particles across the cell?"

"Golgi apparatus," Leon responded flatly.

Kitang-kita ko ang pagnganga ng mga kaklase ko. I frowned. They must think we're in
a movie!

"What's the difference between plant cells and animal cells?"

I raised my chin. "The shape of an animal cell is typically uneven and spherical.
Dahil po ito sa absence ng cell wall, which is a hallmark feature of plant cells,"
I said. "Also, animal cells lack plastids because they are not autotrophs."

Naramdaman ko ang pagbaling sa akin ni Leon kaya napalingon din ako sa kanya. There
wasn't any expression on his face, so I wouldn't know what he was thinking. Hindi
rin naman ako interesado.

"The double-membrane structure that envelops the nucleus."

"Nuclear membrane," sagot ng lalaki, nakatingin pa rin sa akin.

Ma'am Abulencia cleared her throat. "The jelly-like substance that encloses the
cell membrane and includes all of the cell organelles."

Not breaking our eye contact, I said, "Cytoplasm."

Huh! I can answer, too! You can't intimidate me with your gaze now!

"Okay, seems like you're doing your readings. Be seated."

Ako ang naunang nagbawi ng tingin. I took my seat calmly even though my heart was
hammering from everything that happened . . . and probably because of Leon's eyes.

There was really something about his eyes that would make you shiver. Isang tingin
lang, parang malalaman niya agad kung ano ang iniisip mo. It could be one of the
reasons why he consistently wins over me. I was a little . . . nervous around him.

"As I was saying, class, uulitin ko para sa mga bagong dating, Ms. Lubrica will
handle a quiz bee about general psychology before the semester ends because we're
looking for three representatives to compete in Freshmen Affiliation this coming
summer in Davao," Ma'am Abulencia explained. "You still have a lot of time to
prepare. I'll just further announce it to our group chat because we need to proceed
to our lesson now."

Dalawang oras din ang tinagal ng klase. Maya't maya ang pagsulyap ko kay Leon dahil
sa sampung pisong gusto kong iabot sa kanya. How could I approach him? Kahit isang
beses ay hindi ko naman siya nilapitan. The closest we'd ever been was in that
jeep!

But then, even if I see him as my greatest competitor, there's something I really
want to ask him.

"Kayo lang naman ni Leon ang maglalaban sa quiz bee na 'yon," tawa ni Shaira nang
mag-lunch kami. "Corny, eh. May pa-gano'n pa. Alam na alam namang kayo lang ang
matitira."
"Malay mo naman makapasok ka. Tatlo naman ang kailangan."

Inirapan niya ako. "Hindi ako nangangarap, 'te. Marami ring magaling sa ibang
section. Ayan nga at hindi ko nalagyan ng label ang drawing ko dahil late ka!"

"Ako rin! Tapos wala pa si Leon!" singit ni Meg, isa sa mga kaklase ko na madalas
ko ring kasama.

"Nagpapakopya ba 'yon?" tanong ko.

"Ewan, wala namang nangangahas magtanong." Shaira laughed. "Kahit sina Maricar nga,
sariling sikap. Bet nila 'yon, eh. Nakakahiya raw mangopya."

Apat na mesa lang ang layo namin sa grupo nina Leon sa canteen. He was with our
classmates and some of his friends from different programs. Sa personality niya,
hindi mo aakalaing marami siyang kaibigan. Tahimik lang kasi siya at parang walang
pakialam sa paligid.

My father has no idea that the tests I gave him did not obtain the top marks. Dahil
kadalasan naman ay tatlo hanggang lima lang ang mali ko, inakala niyang
pinakamataas na 'yon. I didn't bother informing him. Hindi naman malayo ang score
ko kay Leon.

"Bagay kayo, Mari," saad ni Meg habang nakatingin din sa grupohan. "Ang cute n'yong
tingnan kanina."

I pulled a face. "Yuck."

"Ay, wow po, Ms. Beautiful!"

Sinimangutan ko si Shaira. "Mas nakikita ko siyang kasabunutan."

"Hala, I hate my mind!" she teased. "Saan po ang sabunutan? 'Wag sana sa kama."

Hindi na ako nag-abala pang sumagot. Bumaling ulit ako sa puwesto nina Leon at
kahit nagtatawanan ang mga kabarkada niya ay nanatiling seryoso ang mukha niya.
He'd fix his glasses from time to time, but other than that, wala na siyang ibang
reaksyon. If I want to approach him, maybe I should try to smile a bit? Like his
friends?

"Yuck daw pero titig na titig."

"Nakatitig din naman si Leon d'yan minsan," kinikilig na saad ni Meg.

"Huy, totoo! Akala ko ako lang ang nakakapansin!"

I huffed and rolled my eyes. "Syempre, upuan namin ang magkatapat. Siraulo ba
kayo?"

"Seryoso kasi! Tuwing sumasagot ka, tumitigil siya sa pagsusulat," giit ni Shaira.

Umiling ako. "Kasi gusto niya akong maliin! Pansinin n'yo kaya. Lahat ng claims ko,
binabaligtad niya! Partida, isa pa lang ang major subject natin ngayong sem, ha!
Wala pang masyadong debatable topics."

Napakamot sa batok si Meg. "Nakakatakot palang maging brainy. Kapag kasi ako ang
tiningnan ni Leon nang gano'n, kikiligin ako. Hindi ko para isiping gusto niyang
makipag-debate."
Shaira chuckled. "Same. Minsan nga ay gusto ko na lang mag-according to the bible
kapag nagsasabong sila."

Hinayaan ko silang pag-usapan ako at ang lalaki hanggang sa natapos ang lunch
break. The time flew swiftly until our last instructor dismissed us. A lot of
things happened today, but there was one thing I couldn't get off of my head.

Slowly, I walked towards Leon after class. Inaayos niya ang gamit niya ngunit nang
mapansing nasa tapat niya ako ay tumigil siya. He looked at me, making my stomach
churn.

"You won't stop, will you?" he asked.

Nagulat ako sa pa-galit na timbre ng boses niya. "Huh?"

Umiling siya. "Iwanan mo na lang ang sampung piso d'yan kung hindi ka matahimik."

I gritted my teeth and realized that he might notice me staring at him all day. At
syempre, iyon ang iisipin niya.

"That's not what I'm here for!" I said.

Tumaas ang kilay niya, dahilan para lalo siyang magmukha masungit. He adjusted his
glasses and tilted his head, waiting for my answer.

I cleared my throat and turned away.

God, I really hate his eyes.

"Uhm . . . 'yong DSM-5-TR mo," I trailed off. Kung kaya ko lang 'yon bilhin ay
hindi ako para lumapit sa kanya!

"What about it?"

My face was getting quite warm. Hindi talaga ako sanay na kausapin siya.

"Kapag tapos ka na . . ." I paused for a moment as I looked back at him. "Puwedeng
mahiram?"

He seemed a little surprised. "Why?"

Para makapag-advance reading din ako! You can't beat me at that, too!

I pursed my lips. "Gusto kong aralin. I'm interested in clinical psychology . . .

that's why."

Naiiling niyang ibinalik ang tingin sa mga gamit at nagsimulang ayusin iyon.
Isinukbit niya ang bag sa kanang balikat bago ipinaling ang ulo niya sa kaliwa.

"Leon, tara na!" sigaw ng mga kaibigan niya sa labas.

"Yie, Amari, ano 'yan?!" It was Karen's voice.

"Uwian na po, bukas na ulit ang debate!" sabi pa ni Maricar.

Leon shifted his attention to me. Tumayo ako nang maayos.

"I don't share my books," masungit na sabi niya.

Napatunganga ako sa kanya.

"Excuse me."

He walked past me on his way out the door. I felt a pang of shame in my chest as I
whirled around and looked at him, surrounded by his friends.

He's . . . impossible!

Saksakan na nga ng sungit, ang damot pa! How can people like him?! He's nothing
more than his brain and appearance! Talking to him is like talking to a tree!

And why the hell did I even try?!

I sneered at him when he glanced at me again.

Oh ano?! Titingin ka pa! Ang pangit naman ng ugali mo!

"'Yon si Mendoza?" Narinig kong tanong ng isang kaibigan niya bago sila sabay-sabay
na bumaling sa akin.

"Nice taste, Leon," pang-aasar pa nila.

Lalo akong mainis. Mabilis akong bumalik sa upuan ko at padabog na kinuha ang gamit
ko. Kahit nasa pintuan pa sila ay walang imik akong lumabas para lampasan sila.

"Nako, mukhang hindi kayo compatible," tawanan pa nila. "Same charges repel, ika
nga."

"She's not even my type."

When I heard that from Leon, I grabbed my cellphone angrily and texted my friend.

To: Mill

Iinom din ako. This day is nothing but stress!

Chapter 2 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 2

The following months were just as horrible. My impression of Leon was tarnished.
Kung puwede lang magpalipat sa ibang section para hindi ko na siya makita ay ginawa
ko na. Every word that comes out of his mouth annoys the hell out of me! Sa tuwing
nagtatama ang tingin namin ay halos mahilo ako kakairap sa kanya.

I swore to myself not to talk to him ever again. Kahit ang sampung pisong utang ko
sa kanya ay hindi ko na pinagkaabalahang bayaran. He doesn't want it, right? Edi,
'wag. Salamat sa ten pesos, kung gano'n. Sinisigurado ko rin na hindi na ako
magpapatalo sa kanya. I studied twice as hard. Para kay Dad, para sa 'kin, at para
sa pagpapabagsak sa posteng nakasalamin na 'yon.

"Galingan mo, Amari!" Narinig kong pag-chi-cheer ni Meg. "Isama mo kami sa Davao
kapag nanalo ka!" pahabol niya pa.

I smiled at her. Katabi niya si Shaira na malawak ang ngisi sa akin. I have no idea
what she's thinking, and I don't care. Simula noong personal kong kinausap si Leon,
na nakita niya pala, ay hindi na niya ako tinigilan sa pang-aasar. Kesyo pakipot
lang daw ako at defense mechanism ko lang ang pag-iinarte.

Huh! As if I had shown any interest in that asshole!

"We only have seven participants left," Ms. Lubrica said as she counted our heads.
"Gaya ng nasabi namin noon, tatlo lang ang matitira. Best of luck!"

I held onto my whiteboard and marker. Out of 115 participants from three different
sections of our program, kami lang ni Leon ang natira sa BS Psychology 1-A.

Lahat ng psychology major ay kasali sa quiz bee at ang tatlong mananalo ay ilalaban
sa nasabing Freshmen Affiliation — a convention for first-year psychology students
nationwide. If I get lucky, I'll have the chance to attend workshops and seminars
for four days. Magandang ilagay iyon sa credentials dahil ang pinakamahuhusay na
estudyante lang ang nakakadalo sa programang 'yon.

Alam kong makakapasok si Leon. Ngayon nga ay siya na ang may pinakamataas na score.
Sumunod ay si Zoey na dalawang puntos ang lamang sa amin ni Paolo. Those two are
from 1-B, and I had never met them before.

My father was aware of the convention and compelled me to go. Gabi-gabi niya akong
itine-text para paalalahanan akong mag-aral. I can't imagine what will happen if I
don't make it.

"For five points in the first question under the hard category, what do you call it
when someone can read and understand spoken language but struggles to speak and
write?"

I immediately wrote down Broca's aphasia.

"Raise your boards."

Lumipad agad ang mata ko sa sagot ni Leon at napahinga ako nang malalim nang
makitang parehas kami ng sagot. I caught him looking over my answer, as he had been
doing since the quiz bee began. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa akin kaya pinanlisikan ko
siya ng mata.

I grunted. Kanina pa siya! Talagang sa sagot ko lang siya tumitingin! At kahit

walang reaksyon ang mukha niya, alam kong tuwang-tuwa siya kapag nagkakamali ako!
Ganoon siya ka-gago!

"Ano?!" I murmured when his eyes lingered on me longer than they should have.

Tahimik lang siyang humarap sa unahan, hindi pinansin ang panggagalaiti ko.

"Okay, everyone got the correct answer," sabi ni Ma'am. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin kay
Leon. "Next question, what is the lobe that interprets vision?"

I answered occipital lobe, and just like earlier, it was correct. Narinig ko ang
pagsigaw nina Meg at Shaira para sa akin, pero agad din silang pinagalitan ng
facilitators. I still have the same score as Paolo, so I need to beat at least him
if I want to attend the convention.

Fortunately, I got the next questions correctly. Well, most of us did. Zoey was
smart. Pitong puntos lang ang lamang sa kanya ni Leon. Sa sunod-sunod na tanong ay
hindi rin siya nagkakamali. It would be hard for me to defeat her. Lalo at paubos
na ang mga tanong.

I sighed. Okay lang siguro 'yon. Hindi naman malalaman ng tatay ko na may mas
mataas sa akin. Basta makapasok ako . . . that's the goal.

The quiz bee continued. Kahit isa ay walang mali si Leon sa hard category. Sa
pagkakaalala ko ay sa easy pa siya nagkamali. Nalito sa pons at medulla.

"Last question."

My heart raced when I heard that. Leon's spot was secured. It would be a moment of
truth for Zoey, Paolo, and me.

"Congratulations, Mr. Zamora. You can move aside to make space for our contenders,"
sabi ni Ma'am.

All of the students applaud him. Maliban sa akin, syempre.

"Ms. Gayahan, Mr. Calong-calong, and Mr. Cabral, you can still answer, pero dahil
five points lang ito, imposible nang makapasok kayo," Ms. Lubrica said, referring
to the other participants.

"Ayoko na, ma'am!" natatawang sabi ng isa sabay tayo para pumunta sa gilid.

"Ako rin, okay na 'to."

The students laughed and congratulated them. Hindi ko naman masisisi kung sumuko na
sila. The questions were trickier and more complex than the first ones. Isa pa,
malayo ang scores namin sa isa't isa. The person in fourth place was ten points
behind Paolo and I.

"Goodluck, Mari!" sigawan ng mga kaklase ko.

Zoey, Paolo, and I were the only ones left in the center. Their classmates cheered
for them. I could feel the tension building in my core. Nag-aral naman ako . . .
pero ang hirap pa rin. I can't imagine the words I might hear if my father finds
out that I didn't make it to the summer convention. Siguradong pagagalitan niya
ako.

I turned to face my classmates to calm myself, but my gaze was drawn to the most
irritating, even beneath the glasses, pair of eyes I'd ever seen. He was leaning
against the wall with his arms crossed and his head a little tilted. Ang buong
atensyon ay nasa akin.

"Yown, oh! Mari n'yo sumusulyap sa inspirasyon niya!" sigaw ni Shaira.

My cheeks heated when I heard laughter and teasing. Tinapunan ko ng masamang tingin
ang babae pero nginisian niya lang ako. And what's more worrying was that Leon
didn't even move a muscle! Ni hindi man lang niya inalis ang tingin sa akin!

I breathed deeply to pacify my nerves before focusing on my whiteboard. It was

obvious. I-di-distract niya ako para hindi ako makapagsagot nang maayos! It was as
if he knew that I am often troubled when his eyes are set on me.

"Go, Mari! Galingan mo para makapag-bebe time kayo ni Leon sa Davao!"

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa marker ko. Bwisit na mga kaklase talaga! Baka akalain ng
mga faculty members na nandito na gusto ko nga si Leon!

Ms. Lubrica then proceeded to silence the students. Hindi ko na tinapunan ng tingin
ang mga kaklase ko lalo at ramdam ko ang nanunusok na mata ni Leon sa akin. I could
see him out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn't help but be uneasy because he
was watching me.

"Two of you should get the correct answer, pero kung pare-pareho kayong tama,
naghanda kami ng four questions pa," Ms. Lubrica explained. "Kung after four
questions ay wala pa ring nananalo, Ms. Alfaro will automatically take on the
second spot since she's two points ahead of Ms. Mendoza and Mr. Ramos. And then the
two of you," sabay turo sa amin ni Paolo, "will enter the clincher."

I nodded quietly. Paulit-ulit pa akong huminga nang malalim dahil sa nerbyos.

"Whose work influenced the behaviorist movement?"

The quiz bee continued. The first questions were simple to answer, but under
pressure, they grew more difficult. One wrong answer and I might be eliminated.

"Wow, wala pa ring nagkakamali, ah?" nangingiting sabi ni Ma'am. "If Ms. Alfaro
gets the correct answer to this question, she can move aside and join Mr. Zamora."

I gulped. The chances of me winning were getting slimmer.

"Anyway, I'll hand you over to Ma'am Abulencia because the dean has just called,
and I have an emergency meeting right now. Will that be okay?"

"Yes, ma'am," we answered in unison as Ma'am Abulencia took on Ms. Lubrica's spot.

I'm not sure what had gotten into me, but I found myself throwing a glance at Leon,
and when our gazes locked, I noticed that his eyes widened a fraction, as if
surprised that I was looking at him. Umayos siya ng tayo bago unti-unting ibinaling
ang atensyon sa unahan.

I wonder if he really wants to see me fail. Kaya siya tingin nang tingin. Para
kasing hinihintay niyang magkamali ako.

It must be the same reason why he wouldn't let me borrow his book. Ayaw niyang
maungusan siya.

"What year was the first experimental psychology lab established in Germany?"

Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang marinig ang sumunod na tanong. Tumingin pa ako sa
PowerPoint presentation para mabasa iyon nang dahan-dahan.

First experimental psychology lab. Germany. Year.

Fuck.

I don't know the answer! Mahina ako sa dates. I'm sure I read it, but the dates in
my head were all mixed up!

"Five. . . four . . . three . . ."

I wrote down 1879 without anything in mind. My heart was racing, and there was no
way I could get it to slow down. The sweat on the sides of my head was starting to
pile up.

"Raise your boards."

I made a shaky move to lift my whiteboard. Narinig ko ang pagsinghap ng mga

estudyante sa paligid kaya napatingin ako sa sagot ng mga kasama ko.
Their answers were similar to each other — 1896.

Agad na nangilid ang luha ko nang magngitian sina Paolo at Zoey kasabay ng pag-
iingay ng mga kaklase nila. I bowed my head and bit my lower lip to stop myself
from shedding a tear. Hindi puwedeng may tumulo sa mata ko. Nakakahiya. I should
demonstrate my sportsmanship. Hindi dapat iyakan ang ganito.

"Okay, it seems like we have our top three!" Mrs. Abulencia announced, making my
heart fall in the pit of my stomach.

How will I tell my father about this? Pagagalitan niya ako. Ilang gabi niya akong
pinaalalahanan na mag-aral.

"Congratulations, Ms. Alfaro and Mr. Ramos! And thank you for joining us until the
end, Ms. Mendoza."

I stood up weakly. I plastered a faint smile on my lips to show them that I'm
okay . . . that I accepted my defeat. Naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng tuhod ko, at
OA na kung OA pero alam kong sa oras na magsalita ako ay mababasag ang boses ko.

Okay lang 'yan, Amari! You did your best, and your best doesn't always have to beat
everyone else's best! Maiintindihan naman siguro ng tatay mo kung hindi ka
makakasama sa convention. You should just spend the summer working! And maybe some
studying!

You were a loser, right? You can't always win.

"Excuse me, ma'am."

Leon's voice drew everyone's attention. My thoughts instantly came to a halt. Miski
ang mga nag-ce-celebrate na estudyante ay napatigil din sa ginagawa.

"Yes, Mr. Zamora?"

Tumingin siya sa akin. His eyes were void of emotions, bagay na ipinagpasalamat ko.
That was the last thing I wanted to see — him enjoying my defeat.

"Ms. Mendoza's answer is correct."

Napakapit ako sa arm rest ng upuan ko. My eyes were locked on him.

Anong sinasabi niya? This is his chance to celebrate my loss! Isa pa, kahit ako ay
siguradong mali ako. I just wrote whatever date came to mind.

"What do you mean?" untag ni Ma'am.

Leon looked back at her. "The first experimental psychology lab at the University
of Leipzig, Germany, was founded in the year 1879."

"How sure are you? I will have to rely on Ms. Lubrica."

He nodded. "I'm certain, ma'am. 'Yong 1896 po ay 'yong year when the world's first
psychological clinic opened its doors to patients."

"I'll have to fact-check." Mrs. Abulencia turned to us. "Go back to your seats."

Everyone fell silent. I don't know what to feel. If proven right, I knew I would
have to thank Leon.
Now I'm not sure what's scarier — disappointing my father or talking to him again.

"Okay, mali nga ako, class. 1879 'yong nasa notepad ni Ms. Lubrica," Mrs. Abulencia
announced after some time. "I'm sorry about that, Ms. Mendoza. You're qualified to
take on the second spot."

Everything was a blur after that. Hindi ko alam kung paano, pero wala akong ibang
narinig kung hindi ang pang-aasar ng mga kaklase ko sa amin ni Leon.

I didn't have the chance to say my gratitude to him. It just felt different. For
months of being each other's competitors, I didn't expect him to stand up for
me . . . or do something that would help me.

So, before going to bed that night, I swallowed my pride and broke my promise to
myself not to talk to him again by sending him a message on Facebook.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Thank you.

I clenched on to my blanket as I stared at his profile picture. It looked like a

stolen shot. Naka-side view siya, nakasalamin, at suot ang all-white uniform namin.
His side profile is no joke, everyone knows that. Napatingin tuloy ako sa profile
picture ko na nakangiti lang sa camera. Like him, naka-uniform din ako.

I shook my head, dismissing any compliments I might have given him.

Siguradong sa message request ang diretso ng chat ko dahil hindi namin kami
friends. I shouldn't wait for his reply. And I think it will feel more realistic if
he doesn't reply.

But then, my heart leaped when he suddenly accepted the message request. I even saw
three dots, indicating that he was typing a reply!

"Mari, hindi ka ba makatulog? Ipagtitimpla kitang gatas?" mahinang tanong ni Kat.

Naramdaman niya siguro ang paglilikot ko.

Umiling ako. "Magpahinga ka na. May . . ." I said as I paused, "kausap lang ako."

Hindi na siya sumagot. Ibinalik ko ang atensyon sa cellphone at lalong humigpit ang
hawak ko sa kumot ko nang makitang may reply siya.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: You're still sad about it?

I wasn't sure why I was staring at his message, feeling a slew of emotions I
couldn't put into words.

Alam niyang nalungkot ako? What? Did he see me almost shed a tear too? Pero mabilis
lang 'yon at sigurado akong nakayuko agad ako bago pa bumagsak ang luha ko.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'm never sad about it. I know how to accept defeat.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: If you say so.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'm serious!

Sineen niya na lang ang message ko. I felt Kat's arms circling my body. Sumiksik pa
ang babae sa leeg ko.

"Sabi ng mga kaklase ko, ilalaban ka raw sa Davao," she muttered gently. "Ba't
hindi mo sinasabi sa 'min?"
I smiled. Ibinaba ko ang cellphone ko at hinayaan siyang sumiksik sa akin. If there
are people in the world to whom I can show my real identity, it would be the three
of them, Karsen, Mill, and her.

"Sa Summer pa naman kasi 'yon. Hindi rin naman sobrang importante."

"Ano'ng sabi ng daddy mo?"

Mabuti naman.

After telling him that I passed the quiz bee, that's all he had to say.

I faked a smile. "Ang galing ko raw. Mana raw ako sa kanya."

"Magaling ka naman talaga. Pero sa amin ka mana." She tightened her hug as she
chuckled. "Ipagluluto kita bukas. Ano'ng gusto mo?"

I felt like crying. The world is just too beautiful, isn't it?

"Kung ano'ng gusto ni Karsen," mahinang sagot ko. "Ilang araw nang humihiling ng
karne 'yon."

She chuckled. "Sige. Mamimili ako bukas ng umaga."

Her hands slid down and lightly stroked my left wrist.

That simple act moved the core of my being.

"Masakit pa?" malambing na tanong niya.

Umiling ako, pinipigilang mamuo ang luha sa mata. I hate crying. As much as
possible, I don't want people to see that weak side of me.

"'Wag mo nang uulitin, ha?" Her fingers brushed my now healed wounds. "We've made
it this far, Amari. Nagtiis tayo ng gutom, ng hirap, ng pagod. What else can't we
do? Nandito kami. We're not gonna leave you like they did."

Her words were like a lullaby . . . always so soothing . . . always so comforting.

The truth is, I'm not emotionally strong. For years, I was insecure, constantly
pointing out flaws in myself and wondering why everyone seemed to abandon me so
easily.

Ng mga magulang ko . . . ng unang lalaking minahal ko.

I know it'll be too shallow for someone with more severe problems, but there have
been nights when all I want is peace. And I believe that it can only be found six
feet under the ground.

That's the reason why I wanted to study psychology. I want a deeper understanding
of myself. I want scientific studies to validate my feelings of inferiority.

But after meeting my father, I can't seem to remember all that because I was driven
by achieving high grades.

And for now, I can say that his approval is more important than my will.

Kat's soft breath cradled my neck. Alam kong nakatulog na siya. I carefully picked
up my phone to set my alarm, but something in my heart swelled up when I realized
that Leon had sent me another message.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Sleep well, Mendoza.

Time went by swiftly. Inilabas ang Dean's Lister para sa unang semester at nag-tie
kami ni Leon. Mas mataas siya sa akin sa general psychology, pero mas mataas ako sa
kanya sa Rizal. Parehas lang kami ng average kaya wala akong narinig kay Dad nang
ipasa ko ang class list and university ranking sa kanya.

Leon and I were the top psychology students for the first semester. Zoey came
second, ang makakasama namin sa Davao.

For the whole semester break, I worked non-stop. Nag-make-up ako sa pageants,
weddings, at photoshoots. Back then, I entered beauty pageants, too. Hindi dahil
gustong-gusto ko, kung hindi dahil sa prize money na puwede kong mapanalunan. And
fortunately, hindi pa naman ako umuuwing talo.

Kasabay ng pagtatrabaho ay ang pag-aaral ko para sa mga subject na i-ta-take namin

sa susunod na sem. I busied myself. I bought a new pair of pink earphones for
Karsen, two metal piercings for Mill, and a set of acrylic paint for Kat, hoping
that my gifts would convey the words I couldn't say straight to them.

It was the last day of semester break when I decided to visit a bookstore.

"Ang mahal mo," bulong ko sa Theories of Personality book. "Saang kamay ng diyos ko
naman kukunin ang 1,500?"

Eight hundred pesos per head ang fee ko sa mga kliyente ko. Marami-rami akong ipon
dahil maraming nagpaayos sa akin, pero . . . ewan! Ang sakit sa bulsa. PDF na lang
kaya ang bilhin ko? Pero iba ang physical book! Isa pa, deserve ko naman siguro
'to? Ang sipag ko kayang magtrabaho!

"Just buy it."

Napatingin ako sa pinanggalingan ng boses. Pinigilan ko ang panlalaki ng mata nang

makita si Leon na may hawak ding libro. It was the famous Psychological Assessment
and Testing by Cohen and Swerdik.

Oh god! And advance niya talaga! Third year pa namin aaralin 'yon!

He was just wearing casual attire — gray sweatpants and a white basic tee. Ang itim
na backpack ay nakasukbit sa balikat.

"Ang mahal kaya," sagot ko bago muling minata ang libro.

He was still my competitor . . . at least, that's how I treated him.

I wasn't expecting to see him here, and I'm not sure why meeting him outside the
classroom felt odd. It wasn't the first time I'd seen him dressed casually because
we had physical education class together, but I don't know . . . he just makes me
feel different. The awkward type of different.

Hindi naman na siya nagsalita. The classic Leon. Mas magugulat pa 'ko kung
dadaldalin niya 'ko.

I looked through a few other books, but I kept coming back to Feist's Theories of
Personality. Magagamit ko kasi ito sa susunod na sem at sa pag-ta-take ko ng board
exam. It was a good investment. Isa pa, kikitain ko rin naman 'yong pera.
While contemplating, much to my surprise, Leon placed something on the book I was
holding.

Napa-igtad ako. I didn't even know he was still here!

"Ano 'to?" hindi napigilang tanong ko.

He gave me a sidelong glance. "Bilhin mo na."

Ibinaba ko ang tingin sa parihabang papel at napanganga ako nang makitang 50%
discount voucher iyon ng bookstore. Agad kong dinampot iyon at iniabot sa kanya.

"Hindi na. Ikaw na ang gumamit n'yan," sabi ko.

"I don't need it," he said flatly as he lowered his gaze to the book he was
holding.

I clenched my jaw. I knew he wasn't financially secure. Gaya ko ay working student

din siya dahil noong tinanong kami ng instructor namin kung sino ang mga
nagtatrabaho, lahat ay nagulat nang magtaas siya ng kamay. Bali-balitang
nagtatrabaho siya bilang private tutor at academic commissioner. He must've put in
a lot of effort to afford his books.

"Hindi na nga. Kaya ko namang bilhin 'tong libro nang walang voucher," I insisted.

Kahit nakayuko ay nakita ko ang bahagyang pagtaas ng gilid ng labi niya.

"Pahiramin mo na lang ako pagkatapos mong basahin," he muttered, still not looking
at me.

I glared at him. "Hindi rin ako nagpapahiram ng libro!"

Of course, wala naman kasi akong librong ipahihiram bukod sa luma kong DSM-5, ang
previous edition ng DSM-5-TR niya.

"I'm not careless."

I kept the book in my left hand and placed my right clenched fist on my waist.

"So, kaya hindi mo ako pinahiram ng DSM-5-TR mo kasi burara akong gumamit, gano'n
ba?" I frowned at him.

Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at napansin ko ang pagdaan ng gulat sa mata niya
nang makitang nakapamewang na ako sa harap niya.

"I'm afraid you're gonna scribble all over my book with colored highlighters."

Napakurap ako. "Bakit ko naman gagawin 'yon?"

"I've seen your notes."

Umirap ako sa kanya. "Bahala ka. Kunin mo na 'yang voucher mo. Hindi rin kita
pahihiramin."

Akala niya naman! Ibibigay niya 'yong voucher sa 'kin tapos dalawa kaming may-ari?
Neknek niya! Afford ko 'to! Namahalan lang talaga ako!

"Consider it as a gift."
I retained my pride. "I don't need a gift from you."

"Take it as a bribe then."

Nilingon ko siya. "What?"

He ignored me. He took the coupon and reached into his wallet for something. It was
the same size as the voucher, only in a different color. I glanced at it, and I
couldn't help but gasp when I noticed that it was an 80% discount voucher for
purchases of no more than 2,000 pesos.

"Ayaw mo pa rin?" tanong niya.

I hesitated.

God, gaano kadaming libro ang binili niya para makakuha ng ganito kalaking
voucher?!

"What the hell do you want from me, Zamora?" I asked harshly.

Hindi niya ako maloloko! Imposibleng mabait lang siya!

He tilted his head and flashed me the same look he gave me in class.

"Add me on Facebook."

It caught me off guard. "Huh?!"

"What? Your little pride can't take it?" he asked, as if posing a challenge to me

I couldn't understand! Sinong matinong tao ang magbibigay ng voucher dahil lang
magpapa-add sa Facebook?! It's not about my pride; it's about his petty request!

Then it hit me. Maybe he thought it was a huge deal for me to add someone on
Facebook because I wasn't an active user! Wala pa sa dalawang libo ang friends ko
roon, and all of my posts were private!

He wanted to crush my pride without knowing that I don't give a damn about Facebook
at all. So, kapag tinanggap ko ang voucher, it's a victory for me!

I smiled at him, and I could tell he was startled.

"'Yun lang?" I asked.

Inilabas ko ang cellphone ko at binuksan ang mobile data nito. I showed him that I
had sent him a friend request before taking the coupon from his hand.

"Okay na, ha?" sabi ko pa. "I'll pay for this on the counter. Bye!"

Hindi ko na hinintay na makasagot pa siya. Mabilis akong naglakad sa counter at

binayaran ang libro bago pa magbago ang isip niya. I was too happy that I only got
the book for 300! Ang laki ng natipid ko!

All because of Leon and his stupid mind games! 'Pride' ko para sa 80% discount? I'm
in!

When I got home and saw that he had accepted my request, I stalked his profile.
Mahirap na! Baka mamaya ay sinisiraan niya pala ako rito! And, well . . . I also
browsed through his pictures.

The stolen pictures from the seminars he used to attend, the pictures with his
mother and twin brothers, the collage pictures of his rate as a commissioner and
tutor, and our class picture taken on the last day of the first semester.

I noticed a blue circle on his profile picture, making me a bit baffled.

He has a . . . story? Wow. Hindi ko inakalang marunong siya sa ganito. I clicked on

it and was even more puzzled to see the book he was holding earlier with the
caption, "Got you."

Active pala siya sa ganito? Pinag-ipunan niya siguro ang librong 'yon dahil na-i-
story niya pa talaga.

A few seconds after I viewed it, my eyebrows arched because the blue circle
mysteriously disappeared.

Imagination ko lang ba 'yon o dinelete niya talaga? Or maybe! Maybe he hid it from
me! Puwede 'yon! I-cu-custom mo kung sino ang makakakita ng stories at posts mo!
Siguro tinanggal niya 'ko?

I breathed deeply before closing his profile.

Whatever. Basta ako, may libro!

Chapter 3 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 3

"Totoo bang bet ni Leon si Zoey?"

That was the first thing I heard when I walked into our room, one week before we
left for the summer convention in Davao.

"Hindi ko alam. Sabi lang nina Maricar. Baka napag-usapan nilang magkakabarkada."

"Sabagay, maganda at matalino naman 'yon. Hindi rin kataka-taka."

Dumiretso ako sa upuan ko. Unlike the usual days, medyo maaga ako ngayon. Ni wala
pa sina Shaira at Meg. Pagkauwi ko kasi kaninang madaling araw mula sa bahay ng
kliyenteng inayusan ko ay hindi na ako nakatulog.

Maricar entered the room and sat with our classmates who were just talking about
Leon and Zoey.

"Totoong bet!" sabi pa niya. "Nakita naming magkasama kahapon sa Sway's!"

"Oh my god!"

"Korek! Ang cute nga nila kasi para silang nasa study date."

Naiiling kong ibinaba ang tingin sa Theories of Personality book ko. Wala ba silang
ibang pag-uusapan? Ang ingay nila. Para namang maraming may pakialam sa buhay pag-
ibig ni Leon.

"Akala ko pa naman si Mari ang gusto!"

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagbabasa na parang walang narinig kahit pa alam kong sinadya
nilang ilakas 'yon para marinig ko.

"Gaga, hindi!" tawa ni Maricar. "Hindi raw niya type, eh. Okay lang 'yon kasi ayaw
rin naman ni Mari sa kanya!"

I silently agreed. Tama! Kung hindi niya ako type, mas hindi ko siya type!

"After class sila nag-date ni Zoey?"

"Hindi. Naka-shorts na si Leon no'n."

"May landi rin palang tinatago si Leon! Hindi halata!"

Muling tumawa si Maricar. "Marami pa kayong hindi alam do'n."

"Eh, 'di ba, aalis na sila next week? Mari, third wheel ka pala, eh!"

When I heard my name for the second time, I lifted my face and smiled at them.
"Okay lang! Maghahanap ako ng mga guwapong psych major do'n!"

I gripped my pastel yellow highlighter and continued to work on my readings. Tuloy-

tuloy ang kwentuhan nila at hindi ko maiwasang mainis dahil sa lakas ng boses nila.
Wala naman akong pake! Gusto ko lang maintindihan ang binabasa ko!

At dapat lang lumandi na si Leon! Doon siya mag-focus! Huwag na siyang mag-aral!

Ganoon pala ang type niya, ha? Maputi, makulit at palangiti? Edi sila na ang bagay
tutal opposite attracts, 'di ba?! Mag-date sila nang mag-date para wala na akong
ka-tie!

"Ang aga naman ng pagbusangot mo."

Napaangat ako ng tingin ako kay Shaira na inilalagay na ang gamit niya sa upuang
katabi ko.

"Hindi ako nakabusangot."

Umupo siya. "Anong oras kayo aalis next week?" tanong niya, hindi na pinansin ang
sinabi ko.

"Alas nuebe ang flight namin."

Habang sinasabi iyon ay napatingin ako kay Leon na pumapasok sa room namin. Bagong
libro na naman ang bitbit niya. He took a seat and bowed his head to read. Ni hindi
man lang tumingin sa paligid niya! Diretso basa agad talaga!

"Paano kayo naging friends n'yan sa Facebook?"

I turned to face Shaira. "Nino?"

She grinned. "Ni Leon."

Inirapan ko siya. I returned my gaze to my book. Ang babaeng 'to! Hindi ako
titigilan kay Leon!

"In-add mo o in-add ka?" she asked as she chuckled. "Parang imposibleng i-add mo,
eh. Wala ka namang ina-add sa mga kaklase natin."
This! This is what Leon wants! Kapag nalaman nilang ako ang nag-add sa demuhong
'yon — kahit hindi naman talaga big deal — iisipin nilang gusto ko ang lalaki!

"Pero parang imposible rin namang i-add ka kasi kami nga ni Meg, hindi niya ina-
accept!"

I heaved a sigh. "Ang dami mong pinoproblema. May sagot ka na ba sa case analysis
natin?"

"Ay, pota! Oo nga pala!" Naramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa bag ko. "Nasaan 'yong
iyo? Ipa-paraphrase ko na lang sagot mo, ha?"

Sinimangutan ko siya.

She laughed. "Ibibili kita ng bagong foundation!"

I didn't budge.

"Maybelline!"

Umiling ako. "Marami akong Maybelline."

"MAC?"

Umiling ulit ako.

"Estée Lauder?"

I sighed. "Dapat marunong kang mag-sagot ng sarili mong analy—"

"Alya!" she cut me off. "Tangina! Ang mahal na no'n, Amari Sloane!"

Napangisi ako. "Deal."

Still grinning, I looked up, and saw Leon massaging the bridge of his nose. Unti-
unting nawala ang ngisi ko nang mapatingin din siya sa akin. I rolled my eyes
before lowering my head to continue reading. Shaira was quiet as she started
paraphrasing my paperwork. Sinabi ko lang sa kanya na huwag kopyahin ang lahat
dahil baka mahalata kami.

Leon was nothing but a display Facebook friend. I once uploaded pictures of myself
with my friends and noticed that he liked it, but when I checked, his name had
disappeared! Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay namamalik-mata lang ako.

"Ano'ng pinag-uusapan nina Maricar?" tanong ni Shaira habang nagsusulat.

"Gusto raw ni Leon si Zoey," I answered flatly.

"Huh?!" gulat siyang napabaling sa akin. "No! It can't be!"

I made a face. "OA mo."

Ibinaba niya ang ballpen at tuluyang hinarap ako. "Ikaw ang gusto no'n! Saan galing
ang chismis na 'yan?!"

"Nag-date sila kahapon. Nakita nina Maricar." I shrugged. "At saka, ano bang
ipinuputok ng butsi mo?! Ikaw lang naman ang naniniwala sa katangahan mong 'yan."

"People are like an open book to me, Mari. Alam mo 'yan! I know how to read them!"
I squinted. "Girl, psychology is science. You can't access someone's mind just
because of their gestures and facial expressions. That's just your instinct. In
short, hypothesis lang; hindi study."

Our instructor entered the room just as she was about to lash out at me. Nagsimula
ang discussion na tumagal ng isang oras. Dumating din ang next instructor namin na
nagpa-quiz lang. Nang mag-lunch ay na-kumpirma namin ang kanina ay haka-haka lang.

"Leon, tawag ka ni Zoey sa labas!"

Maricar's voice was loud enough for everyone to hear. My gaze was instantly drawn
to the door of our room, where Zoey stood, waiting for the prick. I saw Leon
approaching her, and my eyebrows furrowed as Zoey handed him a book, the same book
I had purchased with his voucher.

"Tangina talaga," inis na bulaslas ni Shaira.

Tumayo na ako at inayos ang gamit ko. "Kasabay ko sina Mill mag-lunch. Saan kayo?"
tanong ko, hindi pinapansin ang pagmumukmok niya.

"Nakakainis. Sigurado ako, eh."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Tigilan mo nga 'yan."

"You have no idea how Leon looks at you, Amari," she insisted.

"Are you having hallucinations?" Tumawa ako. "That guy has no emotions! Anong
tingin ang sinasabi mo?"

"Ililibre mo talaga ako kapag umamin siya sa 'yo."

I sighed. "Will you stop? Kita mong may girlfriend 'yong tao." I put some strands
of my hair behind my ear. "Aalis na 'ko. Bahala na kayo ni Meg sa buhay n'yo."

"Okay! Diet din naman kami!"

I nodded to put a stop to the conversation. Nasa pinto pa rin sina Zoey at Leon,
pero wala akong pakialam. Bakit ba kasi ayaw na lang lumabas ng lalaking 'to?!
Hindi 'yong haharang sila sa daan!

"Excuse me," sabi ko bago dumaan sa gilid ni Leon.

Hindi pa ako tuluyang nakakalampas ay naramdaman ko na ang isang kamay sa

palapulsuhan ko. Agad akong napatingin doon.

"Ay, sorry!" sabi ni Zoey sabay bitaw sa akin.

I smiled. Leon was just beside me, but I could feel my boiling wrath already. Hindi
ko alam kung bakit pero kahit wala siyang ginagawa ay inis na inis ako. At hindi ko
lalo alam kung bakit mas matindi ang inis ko ngayon!

I smiled at Zoey. "Okay lang. Bakit?"

Tumingin muna siya kay Leon bago muling inilipat ang tingin sa akin. Nagkakangitian
naman kami ng babae kapag nagkakasalubong kami sa hallway. We knew each other by
name . . . but this was the first time she had talked to me.

"I-e-excuse daw tayo ngayong hapon para makapag-review. Niyayaya ko 'tong si Leon
na sa public library sa labas ng school na kami mag-aral para mas maraming libro,"
paliwanag niya. "Gusto mo bang sumama sa 'min?"

Leon? First name basis na sila? I haven't even heard Leon call me Amari! To think
na halos siyam na buwan na kaming magkakaklase! Sa iilang instances na nakausap ko
siya ay Mendoza lang ang tawag niya sa akin!

Umiling ako kay Zoey. "Hindi na. Hindi naman effective sa 'kin ang group study. I
prefer studying alone. Mas nakakapag-focus ako."

Isa pa, ayokong sirain ang date n'yo! Baka gamitin pa 'yan ng boyfriend mo against
me!

"Gano'n ba? Sayang naman." Lumungkot ang maamong mukha niya. "Paano? Uuwi ka na?"

Sasagot na sana ako nang makita ko si Ms. Lubrica na palapit sa puwesto namin. She
excitedly hurried towards us, para bang masayang-masaya na magkakasama kaming
tatlo.

"Akala ko ay isa-isa ko pa kayong hahanapin," she said, slightly panting. "Sa bahay
tayo mag-aaral. Nahiram ko na sa library ang mga librong kailangan natin."

Zoey beamed. "Wala na po kayong klase, ma'am?"

"Meron pa, pero excused ako. Inutusan ako ni Dean na i-review kayo buong week. Kaya
lang, tiningnan ko ang class schedule n'yo at puro hapon ang uwian n'yo." She
pouted cutely. "Kaya ayan, kailangan nating mag-adjust. I-e-excuse ko kayo tuwing
hapon."

I bit my lower lip. Ayoko. Mahuhuli ako sa lesson.

"Ma'am, baka po puwedeng malaman na lang 'yong mga librong kailangan? Ayoko po
kasing umabsent. Kadalasan po ng major subject namin ay pang-hapon," sabi ko.

Ms. Lubrica chuckled. "Exempted kayo sa mga ipagagawa! Ako ang bahala."

Hindi ako makampante. If we were excused every afternoon, how would I recite in
class? How would I learn? Kaya ko namang mag-self-study. Hindi ba puwedeng
magtanong na lang ako sa kanya kung sakaling may hindi ako naintindihan?

"I'll have Maricar send me the lecture points."

Hindi ko alam kung kanino sinabi ni Leon iyon kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. I
blinked to suppress my shock when I realized he was looking at me with his lips
firmly pressed. There was something in his eyes I couldn't fathom. Or maybe it was
just my imagination misinterpreting things.

Kasalanan 'to ni Shaira! The way Leon looks at me?! Wala namang kakaiba!

His Adam's apple moved. "Aaralin ko tapos i-se-send ko na lang sa 'yo 'yong summary
. . ."

Is he talking to me?

"I can provide notes, samples, and worksheets, too." His voice grew gentler as he
withdrew his gaze. "Kung . . . gusto mo."

For no apparent reason, my heart started slamming against my chest. Hindi iyon
kagaya ng tensyon tuwing nagtatalo kami o tuwing malalaman kong mas mataas ang
resulta ng exams niya kaysa sa akin. It was different. Something that I haven't
felt yet.

"Ayun! Settled na tayo?" tanong ni Ma'am. "Hanggang alas sinco lang naman. Ang
coverage kasi ng quiz bee ay General Psychology at Theories of Personality, tapos
tig-tatlong araw nating aaralin lahat ng chapters."

I gulped. Nakatingin pa rin ako kay Leon kahit na ang buong atensyon niya ay na kay
Ma'am na.

I didn't like the way my heart reacted. No! It was just because of Shaira's
remarks! Ipinipilit ng babaeng 'yon na gusto ako ni Leon kaya iyon ang naiisip ko!
Right! I have nothing but hatred for him! Kaya bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko ay
dahil sa matinding inis! He would send me his notes?! Ano sa tingin niya, hindi ko
kayang gawin 'yon?!

"Bigyan mo rin ako, Leon!" reklamo ni Zoey.

He nodded, a small smile showing on his lips. "Sure."

Doon na ako nagbaba ng tingin.

Calm the fuck down, Mari! Ikaw ang kausap niya kanina pero hindi ka man lang
nakasagot kakatitig mo sa kanya! You hate that guy! Stick to your guns!

"Ako na ang bahala sa sarili ko," saad ko nang makabawi sabay baling kay Ms.
Lubrica. "Mag-lu-lunch lang po ako, ma'am. Anong oras po tayo magkikita-kita?"

Kaya kong gawin ang notes na sinasabi niya! I don't need anything from him.

"Ala-una. Sa gate na lang tayo."

I bid my goodbye to them before walking away. Buong lunch break, kahit rinig ko ang
ingay nina Mill at Karsen, ay hindi ko magawang makisali. My thoughts were jumbled.
Sa sinabi ni Shaira, sa pagwawala ng puso ko . . . I couldn't understand. My mind
also kept replaying Maricar's words about Leon and Zoey's date. Alam ko sa sarili
kong wala akong pakialam doon kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit naiisip ko iyon
ngayon!

It just felt weird. I couldn't imagine Leon dating someone. How could Zoey like
him? He's emotionless and self-centered! Paano sila nag-uusap? Are they even
friends on Facebook? If so, who adds who? Sinabi rin kaya ni Leon na i-add siya ni
Zoey? O siya na ang gumawa ng paraan?

I groaned frustratedly. Now I don't think going to Davao is a good idea.

Hindi ba magiging awkward na nandoon ako? I mean, we'd spent days together! Kung
gusto nilang mag-solo, sino ang makakasama ko? Si Ms. Lubrica?

"Nakakatanga talaga kapag sobrang talino, 'no?" pang-aasar ni Mill. "Buti talaga
ako maganda lang."

"Hindi ka naman maganda," sabat ni Karsen.

Tumawa si Mill. "Sana mag-announce ng hiatus si Kobe tapos hindi na bumalik," tukoy
niya sa idol na idol ni Karsen.

"Ate Kat!"
Umiling si Kat. "Sinimulan mo 'yan."

Pabalang akong sumandal sa upuan ko.

"Kumain ka. Hindi ka nag-umagahan," malamyos na sabi ni Kat bago nilagyan ng sabaw
ng sinigang ang kanin ko. "Whatever you're thinking, we'll talk about it later."

I kept my mouth shut the entire lunch. Hindi ko alam kung saan kumain sina Zoey at
Leon pero nang pumunta ako sa gate ay nandoon na silang dalawa. Wala pa si Ma'am
kaya umupo muna ako sa waiting shed. They were talking . . . and I didn't expect
Leon to talk that much. Tuwing recitation ko lang naman kasi siya naririnig. The
last time I talked to him was at the book store a few months back. Matapos 'yon,
wala na.

Shaira said he looked at me differently. Siguro dahil naiinis din siya sa akin gaya
ng pagka-inis ko sa kanya? I don't know. Basta sigurado akong hindi niya ako gusto.

"Mari, make-up artist ka, 'di ba?"

Zoey drew my attention.

I nodded at her. "Part-time."

Ngumiti siya at tinabihan ako. My heart pounded when Leon took a seat across from
us.

"Kaya pala ang fresh mo lagi. Ang ganda ng kapit ng foundation mo." Zoey scanned my
face. "Pero makinis ka rin! Parang hindi mo na kailangan."

I chuckled to take my mind off the tension building in my gut. Mag-usap na lang
sila! 'Wag na nila akong pansinin!

"Hindi naman ako nagfo-foundation kapag sa school lang ang punta ko. Bukod kasi sa
sayang, hindi rin maganda sa balat kapag inaraw-araw. Okay na sa 'kin 'yong pressed
powder lang," I replied.

She nodded excitedly. "Matagal ka nang marunong mag make-up?"

Napaisip ako. "Halos apat na taon na."

"You've been working since high school?"

Sabay kaming napatingin ni Zoey kay Leon nang sumingit ito sa usapan namin.
Nakatingin lang din ang huli sa akin. I didn't know he was . . . listening.

I pressed my lips together. Pakialam niya? Relasyon nga nila ni Zoey hindi ko naman
itinatanong. At saka, bakit ba siya nakikisali? He wasn't the type to talk to me!

"Oo," sagot ko pa rin.

His forehead formed a crease. "You've been a working student since high school?"

Pinandilatan ko siya. Ang daldal! "Oo nga!"

Hindi na siya nakasagot dahil dumating na si Ma'am. O baka wala naman na talaga
siyang balak sumagot. We rode a bus to Ms. Lubrica's home, and I opted to sit next
to her to give the couple the alone time I knew they were dying to have. I was
having mental turmoil. Ang init-init ng ulo ko ngayon! Feeling ko tuloy ay
magkakaroon na ako.
It took us almost an hour to reach our destination. Natulog ako sa byahe dahil
hindi ko gustong marinig ang usapan ng dalawa na nakaupo lang sa likuran namin ni
Ma'am.

Bungalow type ang bahay ni Ms. Lubrica. May dalawang gate na hindi naman kalakihan
at isang maliit na garden kung saan nakalagay ang kulungan ng itim na aso. It
looked like a family home, only that she was living alone.

"Pasok kayo," sabi niya. "'Wag masyadong maingay at baka magising ang aso ko."

We entered her house as quietly as possible. It was easy for Leon, of course. We
removed our shoes, and I grimaced when the guy put his beside mine. Mukha tuloy
maliit ang rubber shoes ko!

Ms. Lubrica turned on the air conditioner while Leon brought the books to the
living room's center table. Umupo ako sa carpeted floor at inilabas na rin ang mga
gamit ko. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni Zoey.

"Sa Theories of Personality muna tayo, ha? Our goal is to go over the theories of
psychoanalysis and behaviorism," she explained as she distributed the books. "Bale,
ano bang gusto n'yo? Idi-discuss ko o magtatanong na lang kayo kung may hindi kayo
naintindihan?"

We were all seated on the carpeted floor, surrounding the table. Zoey was in front
of me. Sa kaliwang gilid ay si Ms. Lubrica at sa kanan naman si Leon.

"'Wag na pong i-discuss, ma'am. Na-take naman na po namin 'to. Medyo madali na
siguro," sagot ko bago lumingon kay Zoey. "Ikaw ba?"

She pouted cutely. "Discuss sana para mas ma-retain sa utak natin."

I nodded, my gaze falling on Leon.

"Ikaw?"

He moved his glasses as he blinked. "I'm okay with your suggestion."

I froze for a moment before gathering the strength to speak again.

"So . . . hindi na magdi-discuss?" I asked. My voice was faint.

"Gusto ko ng discussion," saad ni Zoey.

There was a moment of silence. Dalawa kami ni Leon na ayaw ng discussion. We should
stick to that, right?

"Mabuti pa, maghati na lang tayo," natatawang untag ni Ma'am. "Kami ni Zoey sa
kwarto, tapos kayong dalawa ni Leon dito sa sala. Okay lang ba?"

My eyes widened. "Po?"

"One-on-one discussion kami ni Zoey sa loob tapos solo reading lang kayo rito.
We'll have a practice quiz after. Tingnan natin kung ano ang mas effective."

Dinaga ang dibdib ko. Parang . . . parang gusto ko na lang din magpaturo!

"Okay po, ma'am," sabi ni Zoey.

I panicked a bit when they stood up.

"Dito na lang din po kayo!" I could hear the terror in my voice.

Dumaan ang pagtataka sa mukha ni Ma'am. "Paano kayo makakapag-focus?"

My lips parted. Ma'am, mas lalong hindi naman ako makakapag-focus kapag ang
lalaking ito lang ang kasama ko!

Zoey laughed when I didn't react. "See you later!"

Wala na akong nagawa nang maglakad ang dalawa papunta sa silid. I didn't know what
to do, especially when Leon stood up to take a seat beside me.

I wanted to curse. Hindi niya ba napapansin na natataranta na ako rito?! Hindi ba

big deal sa kanya na ilang oras kaming magkasama?! At lalong wala lang ba sa kanya
ang pagtabi sa akin?!

"Gusto kong sumandal," he said before I could even say anything.

We were still sitting on the floor, so he leaned against the lower half of the
couch.

Napakalapit namin sa isa't isa. I wanted so badly to complain. If he really needed

to lean on something, he could have sat on one of the couches! Bakit kailangan niya
pang tumabi?!

"Start reading your books, Mendoza," utos niya habang binubuklat ang isang librong
kinuha niya sa mesa.

I looked at him in disbelief.

"Do'n ka sa couch! 'Wag kang lumapit sa 'kin!" inis na sabi ko.

"I like the floor better," he murmured as he flipped through the pages.

"Nauna ako rito! Ikaw ang mag-adjust!"

He straightened his long legs, and I couldn't help but glare at him! He was
ignoring me!

"Sa taas ka nga!" pangungulit ko pa. Goodness, I wouldn't have the guts to start if
we were this close!

He shook his head, taking a glance at me. "You're so bossy."

Napanganga ako, irritation was growing. "Ayoko ngang katabi ka, eh! Ano bang
mahirap intindihin do'n?"

Hindi niya ako pinansin. Seryoso niyang tiningnan ang libro na para bang wala akong
sinasabing importante. Hindi niya ba naisip ang sasabihin ni Zoey kapag nakita
kaming magkatabi?! Wala siyang kwentang boyfriend! Thank heavens I wouldn't have
the chance to date him!

"Ayaw mo talaga, ha?"

I moved closer to him to intimidate him. I leaned against the same couch he was
leaning on, trying to get as close as possible to the point where our legs touched.
I felt him stiffen. Huh! Leave, scumbag!

Kumuha rin ako ng libro at ginaya ang posisyon niya. My heart was thumping, almost
wanting to get out of my chest, but I didn't budge. If there was someone who needed
to move out, it wouldn't be me!

But a minute passed and nothing happened.

I was dying in a rage, but I wouldn't allow my pride to be shattered! Hinding-hindi

ako aalis! Magtiis siyang katabi ako! At isa pa, siya naman ang mapapagalitan ni
Zoey! Sana nga ay makipag-break sa kanya ang babae para mawasak ang puso niya tapos
hindi na siya makapag-aral nang mabuti!

I mentally scolded myself. Are you seriously wishing someone's pain now, Amari? For
your own gain?

I sighed, but again, I didn't move. I started reading about Carl Jung's analytical
psychology, trying my best to calm myself. And my position was kind of comfortable.
Bahala siya.

After some time of promising myself not to move, I gave up. Wala kasi akong
maintindihan. I took a pad of yellow paper and a pen from the table. Dumapa ako sa
carpet at nagsimula nang magsulat. This way, I could understand things. Mas
naaalala ko kasi kapag isinusulat ko. Hindi ako kagaya niya na kayang tandaan ang
inaaral kahit nagbabasa lang.

An hour passed. Bukod sa ingay mula sa aircon at sa pagbubuklat niya ng libro ay

wala nang maririnig sa paligid. Surprisingly, it wasn't as awkward as I thought it
would be.

"Huh?" I blurted out when I read something confusing. "Nabasa ko na 'to! Ba't
paulit-ulit?" I asked myself. "Pero hindi naman collective unconscious 'yong term
no'ng isa . . ." Lalo akong nalito. "I'm sure I read something like this."

"Carl Jung?" Leon asked.

I bit my pen as I nodded. My confusion was eating me. Wala ako sa mood makipag-
bulyawan.

"You must have read it at Psychodynamic theory," he said. "The collective

unconscious is Jung's counterpart to Freud's phylogenetic endowment."

Binalikan ko ang sinasabi niya. I didn't read Freud's theory because I was too
familiar with it. Mas nahirapan ako sa theory ni Jung. When I saw the term
phylogenetic endowment, I realized that he was right.

"Hindi ko gets," bulong ko sa sarili ko. I understand that they're similar, but I
don't understand what they mean.

"Look at your hand."

Nakadapa pa rin ako sa carpet at nakaupo naman siya sa gilid ko. I didn't bother
looking at him. I just did what I was told.

"Assume that your fingers are the people and your palm is the unconscious mind."

I pouted. "O, tapos?"

"Your palm serves as the storage of the early experiences of our ancestors that we
inherited."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "It doesn't make sense. 'Yong mga napagdaanan ng ancestors
natin ay nasa unconscious mind natin? At namana natin 'yon?"

"Yeah, a part of our unconscious, as per Freud, stems from our ancestors'
experiences, which have been passed down via hundreds of generations."

I put my hand down. "I don't agree. There's no way we could have inherited their
experiences. Hindi namamana 'yon."

I heard him chuckle. "That's why it's a theory."

"At dalawa pa talaga sila ni Jung na naniwala ro'n?" I shook my head. "I like
Alfred Adler's theory better."

Hindi na siya sumagot kaya nagpatuloy ako sa pag-aaral. I'm not sure how long I've
been doing it, but whenever I don't understand something, I find myself asking him.

Napagtanto ko na mas marami talaga siyang alam kaysa sa akin. I asked him about
tabula rasa, operant conditioning, object relations theory, and everything I
couldn't understand . . . at nasasagot niya lahat! I wonder if he really needs this
review. He could win the quiz bee alone!

This is the first time I talked to him without feeling irritated. I didn't think I
would find it nice. Puwede naman pala kaming matinong mag-usap. Puwede ko kayang i-
request na 'wag niya masyadong galingan?

I sighed, put down my pen, and closed the book. Hindi na kaya ng utak ko. Masyado
nang maraming information. I want to sleep.

Ginamit ko ang makapal na libro bilang unan at inilagay ang kanang pisngi ko roon.
I was still lying face down on the floor. Slowly, I closed my eyes, promising
myself that I'd only sleep for five minutes.

Before my mind went blank, I felt someone removing the book and replacing it with a
comfortable pillow. Hindi na ako nagbukas ng mata dahil tuluyan na akong hinigit ng
antok.

Nagising lang ako sa kalansing ng mga pinggan. I was puzzled to find myself on the
couch, with a throw pillow at the back of my head. I don't recall ever getting off
of the floor to sleep here.

"Finally, gumising ka na!"

Ms. Lubrica's voice put a stop to my thoughts. Bigla akong tinamaan ng hiya.
Bumangon ako at bahagyang inayos ang buhok ko. God! How long have I been sleeping?!
It was certainly more than five minutes!

Wala sina Zoey at Leon sa paligid. Did they go home already? Bakit hindi nila ako
ginising?!

"Leon was just buying us dinner. Si Zoey naman, umuna na," sabi ni Ma'am habang
inilalapag ang pitsel ng juice sa center table.

"Sorry po, ma'am."

I felt guilty. Dapat ay may quiz pa kami pero nagtulog lang ako!
She shook her head. "It's okay. Tatlong oras ka lang namang tulog."

My lips parted. "Tatlo?!"

Tumawa siya. "Okay nga lang. Nasabi naman ni Leon na marami kayong naaral. We'll
just have the quiz tomorrow." She looked at the gate when it chimed. "Ayan na yata
si Leon." I was too stunned to utter anything. "At nga pala, baka ganoon na lang
ang set-up natin. Zoey said that the discussion was effective for her."

My heart raced. "Eh, si Leon po? Baka po mas gusto niya ng discussion din?"

I was praying she'd say yes because I couldn't go through the rest of my review
days like that! Kahit pa sabihing hindi naging madugo ang pag-aaral namin ni Leon,
parang hindi ko na kayang ulitin 'yon! He even saw me sleeping!

She shrugged. "He prefers not to join the discussion. Baka raw malito lang siya."

Eh, hindi naman siya nagre-review, eh! He was more like Ms. Lubrica to me.
Tinuturuan niya lang ako! I'm certain he doesn't need to review! He knows
everything!

Hindi ko naman maisaalang-alang ang review ko dahil hindi ko rin gusto ang
discussion!

The screen of the door made a noise, and I saw Leon walking through it, carrying a
brown paper bag and his gaze sliding in my direction.

Sana umuwi na lang din siya! Hindi niya pa sinabayan ang girlfriend niya! Hindi
talaga siya thoughtful.

I was uncomfortable, but I tried not to show it. Tahimik lang kaming kumain. Ms.
Lubrica posed questions to us, to which we just responded, but other than that,
wala na. Nahihiya ako dahil pakiramdam ko ay na-delay ko ang quiz namin. Zoey must
have seen me sleeping.

Bakit ba kasi hindi na lang nila ako ginising?

"Pasensya na po talaga, ma'am," I said. "Madaling araw na po kasi akong natapos sa

trabaho kanina at hindi na po ako nakatulog." I lowered my head and bit my lower
lip. "Babawi na lang po ako bukas."

I heard Ms. Lubrica chuckle. "Silly, there's no need to apologize. Si Leon naman
ang nagsabing 'wag ka nang gisingin kasi nga puyat ka raw."

I raised my head and looked at Leon. He blinked twice when our gazes met. Nagbawi
siya ng tingin bago kinuha ang baso sa mesa.

I didn't look away. Ba't niya alam na puyat ako?

He cleared his throat as he looked back at me, putting his glass down.

"I just assumed," he said.

Tumango na lang ako para matapos ang usapan. We helped Ms. Lubrica clean before we
went out of her house. Inihatid niya pa kami sa sakayan ng bus.

Leon and I were silent on our way home. Bukod sa pagbabayad namin ng pamasahe,
hindi ko na ulit narinig ang boses niya. Sa tabi ng bintana ako naupo at nasa tabi
ko lang siya na nagbabasa na naman. I'm thinking of the next days. I'll stay with
him for the rest of the afternoon and then return home with him. Iniisip ko pa lang
ang haba ng oras na kasama ko siya, gusto ko na agad itigil ang review.

"I woke up at 3 a.m. today and saw that you're still online," biglang sabi niya,
nakayuko pa rin sa librong binabasa. "That's why I assumed you didn't sleep."

Hindi ko pinansin ang sinabi niya dahil valid naman ang rason lalo at totoong
online ako kaninang madaling araw. I was more concerned with the light.

"Hindi ka dapat nagbabasa kapag madilim," I said carelessly. "Kaya ang labo ng mata
mo, eh."

He glanced at me. "I'm just distracting myself."

From what? Gusto ko sanang itanong, pero tumango na lang ako. Hindi ko dapat siya
pinapakialamanan. Baka pinapayagan naman siya ng girlfriend niya na magbasa kahit
pangit ang ilaw.

I heaved a sigh. Today marked a turning point for me. I was feeling things I
shouldn't feel . . . and it was scary.

Tumagal ang byahe at parehas na kaming walang imik sa isa't isa. Nagtaka lang ako
nang makitang malapit na ako sa kanto ng apartment namin pero nasa tabi ko pa rin
siya. Sa pagkakaalam ko kasi ay mas mauuna siyang bumaba sa akin.

"Saan ka ba nakatira?" hindi napigilang tanong ko.

"Lampas na."

I arched my brow. "Ba't hindi ka bumaba?"

"I'm . . ." he trailed as he pursed his lips, "gonna buy something at the
bookstore."

Sumimangot ako sa kanya. "Ginagawa mo nang droga ang libro."

Tumayo ako nang makita ang posteng palatandaan ko sa kanto namin. He moved to my
seat to give me space.

"Sir, patabi po sa kanto," may kalakasang sabi niya bago pa ako makapagsalita para
sa sarili ko.

I clenched the strap of my bag, feeling weird again.

"Mendoza."

God! I might die of a heart attack!

"Ano?" pagsusungit ko.

I wasn't sure whether I was seeing things correctly, but he seemed . . . amused.

"Ingat ka."

Chapter 4 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 4
Leon Ysmael Zamora: Lecture points:

Readings in Philippine History: Lesson_14_PHConstitution.pdf

Great Books: Lesson_15_Realism.pdf

Napabuntong-hininga ako nang makita ang chat ni Leon pagkauwi ko sa apartment mula
sa inayusan kong debutant. I messaged Shaira earlier to send me the lesson, but she
hadn't seen my message yet. It was past midnight. Malabo nang makita niya ang
message ko.

I told Leon not to send me any more notes, but he hasn't stopped giving me files
since our review started. And even if I denied it, the documents he had sent were
more informative and understandable than Shaira's PowerPoint presentation from the
internet.

I mean, thankful naman ako na nagse-send si Shaira, pero madalas ko siyang

reklamuhan na wala akong natututunan sa isinesend niya.

I pursed my lips as I typed a reply to Leon.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Thanks.

That's how our conversations always end. I appreciate what he has been doing, but I
can't help but feel nervous every time his name pops up in my notification.

Isa pa, lagi rin kaming magkasama. Out of the way ang bahay ni Zoey kaya kami lang
dalawa ang magkasabay umuwi. He never did once got off the bus before me. Tambayan
niya yata talaga ang bookstore.

Throughout the week, I made it a point not to encourage any imaginative feelings I
had for him. I didn't engage in unnecessary conversation with him and avoided
staring into his eyes. I don't like him . . . and he has a girlfriend. It was only
fair to put a distance between us.

I heaved a sigh as I had my late dinner. I wasn't sure if I was just over-analyzing
things, but I noticed his lack of affection for Zoey. O siguro hindi lang talaga
siya clingy. They never interacted casually except while discussing our review. Si
Zoey lang madalas ang dumadaldal.

If I were her, I would've ranted about it already. I want to date someone caring
and sweet. Ni hindi nga man lang nag-offer ng paghahatid si Leon. He's a boring
boyfriend.

"Pinaglaba na kita," sabi ni Mill, kapapasok lang sa apartment, dahil sinundo niya
pa ako. "Sino'ng maghahatid sa inyo bukas?"

My cellphone, which was on the table, lit up. I frowned when I noticed that Leon
had sent me another message.

Anong trip nito?

"Sa school ang assembly. Nag-rent ng van ang Psychology Society para ihatid kami sa
airport," I answered Mill as I picked up my phone to check Leon's message.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: You just got home?

I felt Mill sat in front of me. "Inayos na nina Karsen at Kat ang gamit mo pero i-
check mo rin kasi baka marami pang hindi nailagay."

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Yup.

Ibinaba ko ang cellphone at itinutok ang mata kay Mill.

"Magpa-plantsa muna ako ng uniform kasi 'yon ang suot namin bukas."

She shook her head. "Check mo na lang. Ipapaplantsa ko kay Karsen at gising pa
naman 'yon."

I chuckled. "Hindi na, gaga ka! Aabalahin mo pa 'yong bata."

"Bata amputa. Isang taon lang ang age gap, eh! Baka maunahan ka pang magbuntis
no'n!" Tumawa siya.

Umiling ako. "Mapapalo 'yon ni Kat."

"Eh, basta! Maglinis ka na ng katawan pagkatapos mong kumain at magpahinga ka na.

Maaga ka pa bukas," she said as she leaned against her chair. "Ang pangit mo pa
naman kapag wala kang tulog."

Muling umilaw ang cellphone ko kaya hindi ko na siya naismiran. Dinampot ko iyon at
may kung anong sumikdo sa sikmura ko nang makitang ang pangalan ni Leon.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: You should rest.

I was about to type a reply when he suddenly removed the pdf files he sent earlier.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Hindi ko pa na-do-download!

Binitawan ko ang kutsarang hawak at pinisil ang pang-ibabang labi ko nang

mapagtantong inamin ko sa kanya na binabasa ko ang mga sine-send niya. Very good ka
talaga, Mari! Top 1 ka sa katangahan!

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Sa susunod mo na lang aralin.

I made a face.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: At ano, ma-la-late ako? Sa four days natin sa Davao, tingin
mo ba titigil ang klase? Ayokong maghabol.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Then at least study after you sleep.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Don't worry about my sleep. Hindi naman eyebags mo ang
lalaki!

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Really? Do you think I can sleep?

Kumunot ang noo ko sa message niya. Hindi ko gets. Wrong send ba 'to?

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Whatever. Sa instructors na lang ako magtatanong. Kung ayaw
mong mag-share, edi 'wag. Lamunin mo 'yang files mo.

"Punyeta," bulaslas ni Mill kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. "Sino ba 'yang kausap mo
at hindi ka makakain?"

I paused for a moment before I answered, "Kaklase ko."

"Ganitong oras, kaklase?" Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata. "Isusumbong kita kay Kat."

"Kaklase ko nga lang, aba ka!" reklamo ko.

"Tigilan mo 'ko! Gan'yan na gan'yan ang mukha mo kapag ka-chat mo ang gago mong ex
noon." She scoffed.

"Huh? Tanga ka," sabi ko sabay hawak sa pisngi ko. "Kung ano-anong iniisip mo."

She exhaled, glaring at me. "Ayusin mo 'yan, ha? Kapag ikaw na-in-love na naman . .
. gan'yang itinatago mo, lalong nakakaalarma."

I scowled at her. "Napakaarte mo! Nagpapa-send lang ako ng na-miss kong lesson sa
klase dahil sa review namin, ang dami mo agad nasasabi!"

She brushed her hair and pushed my plate towards me. "Bilisan mo na d'yan. Langya
naman. Huhugasan ko pa 'yang plato mo! Antok na antok na 'ko." Lumingon siya sa
pinto ng kwarto nila ni Karsen. "Dawn Karsen, ipagplantsa mo si Mari ng uniform! At
hinaan mo 'yang speaker mo! Rinding-rindi na ako sa mga kanta ng Kobe na 'yan!"

"Mill, ang ingay mo," pupungas-pungas na sabi ni Kat habang lumalabas sa kwarto
namin.

Umismid si Mill. "Ay, Kat! Kausapin mo 'yang kaibigan mo at may nakaka-chat na

naman. Hindi pa nagtatanda."

Napairap ako. "Kaklase nga lang!"

"Namumula ang pisngi!"

Kat went near us. "Baka naman wala lang, Mill. Nag-iisip ka agad, eh."

Umiling ang huli. "Katana, kita mo naman ang iyak n'yan kay Jin, eh." She gave me a
sidelong glance. "Hanggang ngayon, sising-sisi ako na ipinakilala kita sa hayop na
'yon."

My heart tightened when her voice trembled a little. She rushed to Jin after
learning of our breakup and beat the crap out of him. They were friends, but when
she saw me cry, she didn't even bother asking Jin what happened. She trusted me so
much that she ended her friendship with him.

"Kaklase ko nga lang 'to . . ." I whispered. Bwisit kasi si Leon, eh!

Mill sighed. "O sige na, kumain ka na para mahugasan na 'yan."

Kat tapped her back. "Ako na. Magpahinga ka na ro'n."

"Seeing the three of you cry over a guy is the last thing I want to witness," Mill
said firmly. "Hindi nga tayo umiyak no'ng tinawag tayong walang kwenta at
palamunin, eh." She shook her head. "Mas lalong hindi worth it ang mga gagong
'yon."

Karsen, wearing her pink duster, went out of the room. She had an awkward smile on
her lips.

"Nasaan po 'yong paplanstahin?" dahan-dahang tanong niya, marahil ay napansin ang

tensyon sa amin.

Inutusan ni Kat si Mill na magpahinga na. Itinuro din niya kay Karsen ang uniform
ko at agad namang nagtungo ang babae roon.

"Mill's a little sensitive today because someone mentioned her parents," sabi ni
Kat nang makapasok si Mill sa kwarto.

Tumango na lang ako. All of us were cautious about topics that include a family.
Kaya kahit alam naming pamilya kami . . . kaibigan pa rin ang tawag namin sa isa't
isa, hindi kapatid.

I looked at my phone and saw two messages from Leon. Hindi ko muna binasa iyon
dahil kumain pa ako at naglinis ng katawan. I was thinking of Mill's friendship
with Jin which has ended because of me. Somehow, I understand her. Siya ang unang
nakakita sa aking umiiyak. And Mill, being Mill, her first response to pain is
aggression.

Nang makahiga ay saka ko binuksan ang message ni Leon na siyang puno't dulo ng
lahat ng 'to.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Just get some sleep. Health is more important than skipping a
few lessons.

Napanguso ako. The second message was sent thirty minutes after.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Why are you still online? Stop reading. It's past 1.

Dumapa ako sa kama at nagtipa ng reply sa kanya. May 'Active Now' pa sa ilalim ng
pangalan niya kaya alam kong online pa rin siya.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: O bakit ikaw online din? Pakialamero.

I bit my lower lip after sending it. Harsh yata masyado.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Nag-aaral ka?

Hindi siya na-offend sa chat ko?

Binura ko ang tinype kong "sorry" bago muling nag-reply.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Bakit ba ayaw mong mag-aral ako? Threatened ka ba?

"Mukhang tama si Mill na hindi lang 'yan kaklase, ah?" sabi ni Kat nang pumasok sa
kwarto namin. "Tama na 'yan. Matulog ka na."

"Nagpapaantok ako," pagdadahilan ko.

Humiga ako nang maayos para bigyan siya ng space. Matapos niyang magkumot ay muli
akong tumingin sa cellphone ko.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: You're still replying, so I know you're not studying. Matulog
ka na.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You don't know me.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: If you sleep now and don't reply to this message, I'll give you
my DSM-5-TR tomorrow.

Napatakip ako sa bibig ko. Is he pranking me now?!

My cellphone lit up again after only a few minutes.

Leon Ysmael Zamora. Good. Now turn off your Wi-Fi or mobile data and rest.

The next day, I felt lightheaded and jittery because of my excitement. I obeyed
Leon's guidelines and woke up feeling energized. Nauna pa ako sa van na sasakyan
namin papuntang airport dahil sa labis na saya.

I mean, who wouldn't? No'ng una, i-a-add ko lang siya sa Facebook para magkaroon
ako ng 80% discount voucher. Ngayon naman, matutulog lang ako at magkakalibro na!
May pagka-shunga rin talaga ang lalaking 'yon. Ang babaw ng mga gusto niyang
mangyari!

"Good morning, Mari," sabi ni Ms. Lubrica kasama ang Dean ng department namin.

Ngumiti ako. "Good morning po, ma'am. Good morning, sir." The latter smiled back.

"May makakasama tayong taga-Colegio de Lopez pero sa airport na natin kikitain.

Nauna na kasi kahapon ang mga kasama niya," sabi ni Ma'am. "Pamangkin ni Sir," she
added.

"Okay po, ma'am. Nag-chat po sa akin si Zoey. Malapit na raw po siya."

Tumango lang si Ms. Lubrica. Colegio de Lopez offered a BS Psychology program, but
I opted not to study there, despite it being my alma mater, because of the college
tuition fee and some personal reasons. Noong senior high school naman kasi kami ay
libre lang dahil may voucher naman kaming lahat na nag-cover ng expenses namin.

Dahil nakabukas ang pinto ng van ay natanaw ko si Leon bitbit ang itim na traveling
bag at backpack. His eyeglasses made him look serious and intimidating, like he had
always been.

Ano kayang itsura niya kapag wala 'yon? Magiging mukha kaya siyang mabuting tao?

I chuckled to myself. I doubt that.

"Good morning po," bati niya kina Dean at Ms. Lubrica.

Inilagay niya ang gamit sa compartment ng sasakyan bago pumasok sa loob ng van. I
kept an eye on him while he was doing that. Hinding-hindi ko malilimutan ang sinabi
niya!

"Nasaan?" tanong ko agad nang makaupo siya sa pinakadulo, taliwas sa akin na pinili
talagang maupo sa unahan. Lumuhod pa ako sa upuan ko para lang kausapin siya!

He locked his eyes on me. "Later."

Lumabi ako. "Bakit later? Ngayon na! Magbabasa ako sa byahe."

"Exactly."

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. Samantalang kapag naman nasa bus kami, siya 'tong basa
nang basa! Bumalik ako sa pagkakaupo na masama ang loob. I want my DSM-5-TR!

"Bakit maaga ka?" maya-maya'y tanong niya.

I crossed my arms against my chest. "Wala ka na ro'n."

There was silence after that. Ms. Lubrica's voice was the only thing that could be
heard, but it was muffled because she was still outside. I thought it would stay
that way until Zoey arrived, but after a while, he started talking to me again.

"Did you at least have breakfast?"

It was just a simple question, yet it sent my heart racing, leaving me feeling
electrified. He sounded like his usual self, bored and uninterested, but my mind
translated his words as if he was worried about me.

I cleared my throat. "Oo naman," I said, my heart still not calming down. "I've
had, uhm . . . two egg sandwiches and, well, coffee." My cheeks were burning! "I
mean, well-made coffee."

I wanted to hide, shrink, and bury myself in the seat when I realized what I had
told him. For goodness' sake, Amari! You could've just answered yes! Why the hell
did you give him the details?!

"That's good to hear," he murmured. "I have extra food . . . if you get hungry."

Parang kakawala ang puso ko sa kaba. What the fuck is happening to me? I've never
been in such an awkward situation before! So, why? Just why does my heart flutter?!
This can't be happening! I hate him! I should hate him until the end!

But, have I? Have I really hated him, or have I only made myself hate him?

Umiling ako. No! No! I can't even consider that thought! Kasalanan 'tong lahat ni
Shaira! Bwisit!

"Grabe, nakakapagod tumakbo! Ang haggard ko na agad!"

I breathed in and out to calm myself. Hinihingal si Zoey bago naupo sa likuran ko,
sa gilid din ng bintana kagaya namin ni Leon. All of a sudden, I felt guilty.
Mabait ang babae, pero pakiramdam ko ay may mali akong ginagawa sa kanya.

"May pagkain kayo? Gutom na 'ko," naiiyak na sabi niya pa.

I chuckled awkwardly. "Meron yata si ano . . ." Leon? Zamora? Ang boyfriend mo?

"Leon?" Naramdaman ko ang paggalaw niya, siguro ay humarap sa lalaki. "May pagkain
ka? Pahingi!"

"It's not for you," masungit na sabi ni Leon, dahilan para mamilog ang mga mata ko.

Pero in-offer niya sa akin 'yon kanina! Kung hindi para kay Zoey, na girlfriend
niya, bakit naman niya ibibigay sa akin na kaklase niya lang?! Tanga ba siya?!

"Napakadamot mo naman!" reklamo ng babae.

"Sabihin mo na lang sa driver na mag-da-drive thru ka," saad ni Leon.

Hindi ko napigilang lumuhod sa upuan at umikot palikod para tingnan sila. Zoey was
in the same position as I, and Leon was just sitting comfortably. Hindi ko siya
masyadong makita dahil nakaharang ang katawan ni Zoey kaya ganoon na lang ang
pagwawala ng puso ko nang iginilid niya ang ulo na para bang sinisilip ako.

Our gazes came into contact, driving me into a frenzy I wouldn't dare name.

I tried putting on a snobby expression, but I . . . couldn't. My heart won't make

it easy for me.
"Bakit . . ." My voice was weak and troubled, almost as if I was speaking in hushed
tones, "ayaw mo na lang ibigay?"

Pumungay ang mata niya. "Ibibigay ko?"

"Luh, ano 'yan?" singit ni Zoey.

I forced my forehead to crease. "Oo naman. Bakit hindi?"

"Magkausap ba kayo?" tanong ulit ni Zoey.

"Sure?"

I bit my lower lip as I nodded. Bumalik ako sa pagkakaupo ko at pilit na ikinalma

ang sarili.

"Ano'ng nangyayari? Hindi ko na-gets," untag ni Zoey. "Gutom talaga siguro ako kaya
wala akong maintindihan."

"Oh." It was Leon.

"OMG!" Zoey shrieked. "Yehey, kanin!" Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng tupperware. "Ikaw
nagluto nito? Bakit may pa-plating?" tanong niya pa habang tumatawa.

Leon grunted. "Just eat, will you?"

"Thank you!"

Hindi pa tapos kumain ang babae nang pumasok sina Dean at Ms. Lubrica sa van.
Tumabi si Dean sa driver at si Ms. Lubrica naman ay tumabi sa akin. Sinabi rin niya
sa dalawa ang tungkol sa pamangkin ni Dean na makakasama namin.

Amidst all the noise, I could feel my knees trembling even if I was sitting. Kahit
yata maka-ilang libong inhale-exhale ako ay hindi babagal ang tibok ng puso ko!

Nag-vibrate ang cellphone ko at nakita kong nag-text si Mill. I put everything

aside and opened her message.

From: Millicent

Sorry sa outburst. Hindi ko kayang sabihin sa inyo nang diretso 'to, pero ayokong
masasaktan kayong tatlo. You'r the only family I have and I can't stand watching
you cry again. I'm not good with comforting words, alam mo 'yan. Pisikal na
pananakit lang ang kaya ko. Sure, it won't help, but I have no idea what to do to
make you feel better. Mag-iingat ka. I-da-date kita pag-uwi mo dahil alam kong
naging bida-bida ako masyado. Gosh, LSM na 'to. 'Wag mong gagamitin pang-asar sa
'kin 'to, ha? Pakyu.

Napangiti ako sa nabasa. I could hear her voice in my head.

To: Millicent

You're* the only family

I chuckled after I hit the send button.

From: Millicent

Typo 'yon! Nyeta ka! Ipagdadasal kong apat na araw kang bad hair day.
I breathed deeply. This is the only way I can ensure she doesn't feel ashamed.
Nahiya pa ang bruhilda. Wala naman sa 'kin 'yon.

To: Millicent

Anyway, ilibre mo si Karsen ng pagkain mamayang lunch. Mag-send ako ng pera. Bronze
medalist yata siya. Nakita ko kanina sa Facebook.

From: Millicent

Girl, umiiyak na siya ngayon dahil d'yan. Pinapatahan nga ni Kat, eh. Nasa Shopee
ako, nagtitingin ng pink na dress pambigay. Pota, napakamamahal! Pag ako nabadtrip,
doraemon na bra na lang ang ibibigay ko rito. 'Yong second hand.

Naiiling na ibinaba ko ang cellphone.

"Pag nagkaroon ng individual quiz bee, isasalang ko kayong tatlo," biglang sabi ni
Ms. Lubrica kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. "You guys are prepared naman. I'm pretty
confident na malakas ang contenders natin this year."

"You've trained them well, ma'am," sabi ni Dean.

"Thank you, sir, pero magaling na po talaga sila bago pa kami mag-review." Ngumiti
si Ms. Lubrica bago bumaling sa amin. "And guys, there will be a lot of famous
professionals there. Make sure to leave them a good impression. Who knows? Baka may
mag-offer pa sa inyo ng trabaho after college."

"Yes, ma'am!" masayang sabi ni Zoey.

I smiled shortly before picking up my cellphone to keep myself occupied during the
trip. Binuksan ko ang mobile data ko at ganoon na lang ang pagsinghap ko nang mag-
pop up ang chat head ni Leon.

"Bakit?" untag ni Ma'am sa akin.

I shook my head nervously. "W-wala po, ma'am."

My hands were shaking as I opened Leon's message.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I still have biscuits.

If someone could die from excessive cheek burning, I'd surely be at my funeral.
Kaya ko binuksan ang data ko para mag-enjoy! Hindi para mamatay sa nerbyos!

I gripped my cellphone tightly as I typed a reply.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Okay? Bigay mo kay Zoey. Baka gutom pa.

I pressed my thumb and index finger to my lips to suppress another gasp, especially
because he was typing! Nakakahiya kay Zoey! Dapat ko pa bang replyan 'to? Alam ko
namang wala lang kay Leon 'to . . . pero ewan! Para kasi siyang siraulo!

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Ikaw?

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Hindi.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: At 'wag mo nga akong i-chat!

Sineen niya na lang ako. Tumingin ako sa labas at ngumuso. Masunurin naman pala
siya, eh!

Nang makarating kami sa airport ay nag-kape muna sina Dean at Ms. Lubrica. Naiwan
kami nina Zoey at Leon sa waiting area. Pigil na pigil akong mapatingin sa lalaki
dahil pakiramdam ko ay mahihimatay ako kapag napadaplis ang tingin ko sa kanya.

I started to look around. Sagot ng school ang lahat ng expenses namin pero syempre,
may dala pa rin akong sariling allowance. Mabuti nga at dumating ang scholarship ko
bago kami umalis.

Hindi ito ang unang beses na makakasakay ako sa eroplano dahil nailaban na rin
naman ako noong junior at senior high school sa iba't ibang sulok ng bansa. I
competed in investigative reporting, quiz bees, and debates in Cebu, Palawan, and
Bicol. Bukod pa ang ilang contest na sa Manila ginanap.

"Sure na magkaka-place kayo sa individual quiz bee," sabi ni Zoey. "Nabasa ko 'yong
reviewer n'yo . . . grabe." Umiling siya bago tumingin sa akin. "'Yong iyo may
drawing pa ng utak tapos may label lahat. Ang galing mo."

Guilt crept into my system. I felt like I was betraying her. Dapat talaga ay hindi
ko na lapitan o replyan si Leon. Respeto sa relasyon nila.

"Pina-drawing ko lang 'yon," mahinang sabi ko.

It was true. I begged Kat to draw me a detailed brain.

"Ang galing n'yong lahat. Tapos feeling ko magaling din 'yong pamangkin ni Dean."
Sumimangot siya.

"Magaling ka rin naman, ah?" I said. "Kung hindi lang ako tsumamba sa last
question, baka si Paolo 'yong kasama n'yo."

"Bida-bida 'tong si Leon no'n, 'no? Talagang hindi pumayag na mas maraming 1B kaysa
sa 1A!" Tumawa siya. "Pero tama ka naman talaga."

I faked a smile upon hearing his name.

"Hindi pa kami close no'n kaya kabadong-kabado ako!" dagdag niya pa.

"We're not close," saad ni Leon na sinamaan lang ng tingin ng babae.

I cleared my throat. "Kailan kayo . . ."

"Sembreak no'ng first sem!" sagot ni Zoey.

I felt a weird clenching in my chest. Wow. Halos patapos na ang second sem namin.
Matagal na pala sila.

Bago pa ako makapagtanong ulit, dumating na sina Dean at Ms. Lubrica. Nalaman kong
magkatabi ng seat sina Zoey at Leon habang ang katabi ko naman ay ang pamangkin ni
Dean.

Nice.

"Oh my god!" bulaslas ni Ms. Lubrica habang nakatingin sa cellphone niya.

"Bakit, ma'am?" tanong ni Dean.

"The Percy Ezekiel Mendoza will be at the convention!"

My mind went blank when I heard that.

"Sino 'yon, ma'am?"

"Oh, Zoey! He's one of the Filipino chemists who's been trying to create an anti-
psychotic drug for schizophrenia that can beat Clozapine!"

My heart hammered, but not in the same way it did for Leon. Each throb punctured my
system with needles. Masakit at nakakatakot. Hindi nasabi ni . . . Mr. Mendoza sa
akin na pupunta siya. He was excited about that, but he never mentioned going
there.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat maramdaman. I should be happy because I was about
to see him for the first time in almost a year of just exchanging emails and text
messages.

But, no. I felt pressured.

Wala pa man ay kita ko na ang dismaya sa mata niya.

What if our team fails to win? What if I don't win? The convention was open to all
top first-year psychology major students around the country. Sa school nga, hirap
na hirap na akong manalo. Iyon pa kayang marami na akong kalaban?

And to make everything worse, I saw a familiar man walking towards us . . . wearing
the same ID I have for the convention.

"Jin!" sigaw ni Dean. "Come here, I'll introduce you."

I stood up, telling myself to run, but my feet were glued to the floor. Nagtama ang
mga mata namin ni Jin at agad na naglaro sa utak ko ang lahat ng sinabi niya noon
sa akin.

"Amari," he said.

He was smiling, making my heart swell up. He was smiling as if we'd had a pleasant
breakup and that he hadn't cheated on me. . . as if he hadn't said that being with
me was an exhausting chore . . . that he had sex with a friend because I was
tiring.

Amari? He really had the guts to call my name? Matapos niya 'kong gaguhin? I've
opened myself to him! I've told him what I felt when I learned that my parents left
me in the orphanage because I was a mistake! I told him everything I was going
through, and he used it against me!

I know deep within me that I don't love him anymore, but the anger, the way he
verbally abused me, the way he gaslighted me that it was my fault that he cheated,
everything . . . they all resonated in my heart.

Someone moved next to me. I took a step back, almost wanting to collapse, but I
felt a strong arm supporting me.

"Ma'am, can I sit beside her?"

I didn't need to see who was talking to know who it was.

"Leon, bakit? Nahihilo ba?" tanong ni Ma'am.

I felt him shaking his head.

"May aaralin pa po kami," he reasoned out.

"Huh? Uhh . . . sige."

"Salamat po."

I didn't know how, but he managed to drag me towards his stuff, his arm still on my
back.

My lips quivered. Nagsinungaling siya para sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit at
paano niya nalaman na hindi ako komportable. I don't think I can endure two hours
of my life with Jin.

"Thank you for that . . . I was really uncomfortable," I whispered.

Naupo ako nang bahagya siyang lumayo sa akin. Rinig ko ang usapan ng mga kasama
namin tungkol sa tatay ko. I'm thankful that they didn't notice anything wrong with
me. Tumingin ako sa kanila at nakita ko si Zoey na nakatingin din sa amin.

"Okay ka lang?" she mouthed.

I smiled as I nodded. I must've overreacted.

My attention moved to Jin, who was watching Leon with a dark stare.

"Eyes here, Mendoza."

Agad akong napalingon kay Leon. Ipinatong niya ang DSM-5-TR sa upuang katabi ko at
umalpas ang maliit na ngiti sa labi ko nang makitang may dark chocolate bar na
nakapatong doon.

"You still have a quiz bee to win. Don't lose your focus."

Chapter 5 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 5

TW: Mention of Self-harm

Needless to say, the entire trip was a disaster for me. Jin kept talking to me as
if we were friends. Kahit si Leon ang katabi ko sa eroplano ay nakagawa pa rin ng
paraan si Jin para kausapin ako. I would just clench my fist to stop myself from
having an outburst. Ayoko kasing ipakita sa mga kasama namin kung gaano ako ka-
apektado sa presensya ng lalaki.

Ipinagpasalamat ko na lang na hindi namin siya kasama sa tutuluyan namin. If he is,

I don't think I can last a few days. Mabuti nga at tinotoo ni Leon ang pag-aaral
namin sa eroplano. Kahit papaano ay nalimitahan noon ang pag-iingay ni Jin.

Sa isang malaki at malawak na isla gaganapin ang convention. I had done some
research on the location and was blown away by its beauty. Kung hindi ko lang
nalaman na pupunta si Dad at kung wala si Jin sa paligid ay paniguradong maganda
ang mood ko. We rode a rowboat earlier, and I was thankful that Leon told me to sit
beside him.

Amidst the mixed emotions I was feeling, I couldn't deny that the island was
beautiful. The sand was golden, and the water was almost crystal clear. On the
side, there were modern nipa huts where we would all stay for the following days. A
white lighthouse stood atop the hill, and the waves crashing against the cliffs
could be heard even from a distance.

"Ma'am, mamaya pa naman po 'yong start, 'di ba?" tanong ni Zoey nang maiayos namin
ang mga gamit namin. Sila ni Ms. Lubrica ang kasama ko sa may kalakihang kubo.

"Yup." Ms. Lubrica glanced at her watch. "Five."

Zoey giggled. "Puwede pong mag-ikot muna? Magpi-picture lang."

"Ayaw n'yo bang kumain muna?"

Habang nag-uusap sila ay sinilip ko ang cellphone ko para i-check kung nagreply na
ba sa text ko si Dad. When I saw a message from him, I went outside to send a
reply. Mahina kasi ang signal sa loob.

From: Mr. Mendoza

I'll arrive there tomorrow night to watch the group and individual quiz bees the
next day. I'll text you when I get there.

I stretched my arm to find a signal, but it was too weak! Lumingon ako sa paligid
para maghanap ng puwedeng puntahan. I see the hill, and I think it would take me at
least ten minutes to get there. Siguradong malakas ang signal doon.

"What are you doing?"

Halos maibato ko ang cellphone ko nang marinig si Leon sa likuran ko.

"Papatayin mo ba 'ko?!" iritableng tanong ko bago ibinaba ang kamay. "At kung hindi
pa obvious, ayan." I waved my cellphone. "Naghahanap ako ng signal."

His brow furrowed. "Is it important?"

"Sobra," sagot ko kahit na ang ire-reply ko lang naman kay Dad ay mag-iingat siya.

Lalong kumunot ang noo niya. "Sino 'yan?"

I pursed my lips before turning my back on him. "Chismoso."

Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad pero hindi ko na itinaas ulit ang cellphone ko. I'm
sure there's a signal up the hill. I looked at the place and realized how it looked
like a paradise. The pathway towards the event hall where the convention would take
place had coconut trees and colorful plants on the sides. The way the event hall
was emphasized because of the nature made it look like a palace, even if it wasn't
too big.

Ang mga kubo naman ay magkakatabi, pare-pareho ng itsura, at sa tantya ko ay hindi

lalampas ng dalawampu. Hindi naman kasi lahat ng attendees ay dito mag-s-stay. Some
of them probably rented hotels or suites in the city.

I smiled to myself. Kat would love it here. I could imagine her sitting at the
seashore strumming a guitar or painting something on her canvas.
I took a few pictures. Ipapakita ko ito sa kanya pag-uwi ko.

"Where are you going?"

Napapikit ako nang muling marinig si Leon sa likuran ko. Bakit ba siya sumusunod?
Hindi ba siya nagsasawa sa mukha ko? Kanina niya pa ako kasama! At isa pa,
kailangan nga naming maglagay ng distansya sa isa't isa! Bakit hindi na lang si
Zoey ang kulitin niya?

"Maghahanap nga ng signal. Ang kulit naman ng lahi mo!" I said, not looking at him.

Wala pang ilang segundo ay naramdaman ko na siya sa tabi ko, sinasabayan akong
maglakad. I could see him from my peripheral vision. His left hand was in his
pocket.

We were still in our all-white uniforms. If I only knew that the convention would
start this late, I would've traveled in a different outfit. Mabuti nga at hindi
kami narumihan. Sumakay pa naman kami ng bangka.

"Why are you following me?" tanong ko habang naglalakad kami.

"Ms. Lubrica said we should look after one another," he answered blankly.

Lumabi ako. "Hindi naman ako maliligaw."

"Who knows? Hindi mo naman alam 'to."

"At ikaw alam mo?" singhal ko sa kanya bago itinuro ang lighthouse. "Do'n lang
naman ako! May pathways naman na susundan. Napakaarte mo."

Hindi na niya ako sinagot kaya lalo akong napasimangot. He was always like that.
Tuwing susungitan ko siya ay nananahimik na lang siya na para bang hindi worth it
ang pakikipagtalo sa akin. I don't want to put meanings in everything he does. I
don't want to misinterpret his actions. Kahit pa sabihin ni Shaira na gusto ako ng
lalaki, hinding-hindi ko iyon i-a-acknowledge hangga't hindi nanggagaling mismo sa
bibig niya.

After all, I realized that the only thing that connected us was our studies. Kung
hindi dahil doon ay hindi naman niya ako kakausapin. At ganoon din ako sa kanya. We
were awkward together. Well, at least for me.

"Akin na lang ba 'yong libro mo o isasauli ko pa sa 'yo?" basag ko sa katahimikan.

"Gusto mo ba talaga 'yon?"

I wanted to nod but I didn't. That book was expensive. He must've saved up to buy
that. Parang nakakahiyang basta na lang kunin . . . kahit pa gustong-gusto ko nga
'yon.

"If you do, you can have it," he said. "Tapos ko naman nang basahin."

Umiling ako. "Hindi na. Babasahin ko na lang din. May previous edition naman ako
no'n. Titingnan ko lang din 'yong difference."

"Suit yourself."

We remained silent until we reached the top of the hill. The meadows were nearly
identical to each other, and the rhythm of the waves smashing against the rocks had
become more audible. What I thought was a small lighthouse turned out to be a tall
and huge one.

"Wow," I whispered when the sea breeze brushed my skin.

Tirik pa rin ang araw pero hindi ito mainit sa balat. Smiling, I looked at Leon,
who was standing next to me, only to be dumbfounded at his appearance.

His lean, manly physique was highlighted by the sunlight gleaming over him. The
gentle wind blew his soft hair, and despite appearing cold and indifferent, his
eyes seemed to be infused with some emotion I couldn't name.

"What?" he asked, moving the bridge of his glasses.

I knew he was handsome, but today, I realized that he was beyond that.

I wonder . . . if I didn't see him as a threat to my studies, would I be attracted

to him?

Umiling ako. I'm having those weird thoughts again. Itinutok ko ang atensyon ko sa
cellphone para kalmahin ang sarili. I saw that there was a signal already, so I
typed a reply to my father.

To: Mr. Mendoza

I'll try my best. Mag-iingat po kayo.

Wala pang ilang segundo bago ko mai-send ang message ay nakatanggap agad ako ng
reply message mula sa kanya.

From: Mr. Mendoza

Don't just try your best, Amari. Your goal is to win, not to inspire.

I felt a pang of pain in my chest. Why did I even expect a good luck message?

From: Mr. Mendoza

And if someone asks you if we're related, you know the answer, right?

I fought back the tears that were dying to come out of my eyes. Sana pala ay hindi
na lang ako naghanap ng signal. That way, I wouldn't have the chance to read these.

From: Mr. Mendoza

I'll give you the money before I leave. I'll triple it if you win.

To: Mr. Mendoza

Puro top students po ang nandito. Hindi po ako sigurado kung kaya ko.

From: Mr. Mendoza

What do you mean? Akala ko ba nag-aral ka?

I put down my cellphone and watched the sea. Kung wala lang akong kasama, hahayaan
ko ang sarili na umiyak. It's strange how people think that emotional pain is
nothing compared to physical pain without realizing that when we're hurting, we can
feel it all over our bodies. It's in our bones, in our stomachs, in our
chests . . . everywhere.

I closed my eyes as the smell of the sea aroused my nose.

I remember when I first cut my wrist. It was the day I had my first client, a
debutant. I saw firsthand how much her parents adored her as she described her
childhood with images of herself flashing on the screen.

She told everyone about the playgrounds she visited, the places they traveled to,
the favorite meals her mother had cooked for her, and how her father defended her
from anyone who tried to harm her.

It was a beautiful childhood . . . too beautiful that I couldn't help but compare
it to mine.

Nagbebenta ng sampaguita bago pumasok at nagtatahi ng mga butas sa sako ng palay

pagkauwi. Those labors were not imposed, yet without them, we would not be able to
have our allowance.

When I was young, the only playground I knew was at the shelter, and the only
places I had been were the streets. I grew up without a favorite meal because no
one would make it for me. I learned how to defend myself because no one would do it
for me.

From there, I noticed how different my life is compared to everyone else's. People
would tell me that I should look for the beauty in the ugly things . . . but what
could I do if those beautiful things were so scarce that the ugly ones drowned and
overpowered them?

Lumaki akong walang hinihiling na kahit ano dahil nasanay akong hindi naman iyon
naibibigay sa akin.

So, when I learned that you could actually request a meal from a mother and that
you could hide behind your father's back when a bully came to you . . . I was so
insecure.

At that time, while watching my wrist bleed, my first thought was that I'd be
reincarnated and that I'd be fortunate enough to be born into a whole and loving
family.

That was my first of several self-harming episodes. It became physically addictive.

It became my go-to coping mechanism.

"You can cry."

Three words . . . just three words . . . and I started sobbing. Everything came
back to me — the nights I sobbed in the corner of our room with my mouth covered,
afraid that the other children would wake up, the eyes that looked at me as if I
was a pitiful orphan and the times when I sneaked underneath the bed to slit my
wrist and hoped that no one would notice.

I was such a pessimist. Hindi naman ganito ang mga kaibigan ko kahit na halos iisa
kami ng kapalaran.

Maybe Jin was right. I was overreacting. I was exaggerating things. Masyado kong
dinidibdib ang lahat imbes na tinatawanan ko lang. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was
just cutting my wrist because I wanted to show my wounds. Hindi naman daw dapat
ganito kasakit. Masyado lang daw akong malambot para sa mundo.
"Sorry," mahinang sabi ko kay Leon bago pinalis ang luha. "Napuwing lang," I added,
trying to make it sound like a joke, but failing miserably.

"No need for that."

Umiling ako. "I took so much of your time. Dapat ay nagpapahinga ka na pero
sinamahan mo pa 'ko." I gulped the lump in my throat when my voice slightly
cracked. "Sorry. I'm just having a bad day."

I heard him moving closer to me, and before I could react, I felt his large palm
pat my head. I glanced at him with another batch of tears forming in my eyes, and I
caught a glimpse of him smiling a little, his head tilted as if he'd been peeking
at me.

"You can take all my time," he whispered, his hand still on the top of my head.
"You can always cry to me."

My lips quivered. "Hindi ako iyakin . . . may naalala lang ako."

He nodded. "It's okay."

"It's not," I said, my voice cracking.

He gave me another pat on the head. "Then it will be."

"K-kailan?"

Slowly, his hand removed the few strands of hair that were covering my eyes and
tucked them behind my ears.

"Tomorrow." He brushed my tears away. "It will be okay tomorrow."

"Sinungaling ka," mahinang sabi ko.

He softly chuckled before poking my left cheek. "You're silly."

Tinabig ko ang kamay niya. "Tara na nga."

"You really are silly, Mendoza."

"Oo na."

"Do you really believe it's not okay to tumble down even after you think you've got
things under control?" he asked gently, his voice was calming me. "Hmm? Do you
think it's wrong to cry about the things you thought you'd gotten over with?"

Natahimik ako. It's fascinating to hear comforting words from the last person I
expected to hear them from.

"Healing is messy. It lures you to consider giving up everything, but you can't,
and hopefully, you won't," he added. "It's a continuous process with no fixed
deadline. Just don't damage yourself too much . . . para kapag okay na, hindi ka
masyadong mahirapang bumawi."

After that, I'm not sure how I managed to be alright. Napagalitan pa kami ni Ms.
Lubrica dahil masyado kaming nagtagal sa pag-iikot. Sabay rin kaming kumain ni Leon
lalo at tapos nang kumain ang mga kasama namin. He didn't mention it to anyone. He
acted as if nothing had happened.
Orientation at introduction pa lang ang nangyari sa convention dahil bukas pa
magsisimula ang workshops. Most of the attendees were girls, and I couldn't help
but frown when I saw most of them checking Leon.

Ipinagpasalamat ko na hindi ako inabala ni Jin. I felt his stabbing gaze almost all
of the time, but I didn't bother throwing him a glance.

"Saan kayo galing kanina? Hindi n'yo 'ko isinama," sabi ni Zoey nang patulog na
kami. "Wala tuloy nag-picture sa 'kin."

"Naghanap ako ng signal," sagot ko. "Hindi ko alam kung bakit sumunod 'yon. May . .
. ginawa rin yata."

"Nako! Saulo ko na 'yan," tawa niya.

"Ang alin?"

"Type ka no'n!"

My cheeks flushed in an instant. Ano'ng sinasabi niya?! Siya 'tong naka-date 'yon!

"Hindi!" I laughed awkwardly. "'Wag kang magselos. Hindi naman kami gano'n."

Mula sa pagkakahiga ay napaupo siya sa kama. "Selos?!"

Umupo rin ako. "Sorry. I respect your relation—"

"Huh?!" nanlalaki ang matang bulaslas niya ulit. "Hindi ko boyfriend 'yon, gaga!"

It was my turn to be surprised. "Huh?"

Ginulo niya ang buhok niya. "My gosh! Saan mo napulot 'yan?"

"Magkasama raw kayo . . ." I gulped. "Sa Sway's?"

She looked at me in disbelief. "Tutor 'yon ng kapatid ko! Kasama namin si Rey no'n!
Naki-sit in lang ako sa pag-aaral nila kasi sinabi ni Mama!"

"Kayong dalawa lang yata 'yong nakita nila . . ."

She grunted. "Tayo kasi nang tayo si Rey para um-order ng inumin! Nanghingi pa nga
ng fifty pesos sa 'kin 'yon pambili ng bamboo straw!"

I didn't know why something heavy had leaped from my chest.

"Hindi kayo?" mahinang tanong ko.

"Hindi!" she replied. "Kaya wala akong pake kung maglandian kayo nang maglandian."

Lalong uminit ang pisngi ko. "Hindi kami naglalandian."

"Tell it to the turtles!"

"Hindi nga!" I insisted.

"Jusko ka, girl! Common sense naman! Kung boyfriend ko 'yon, tingin mo ba hahayaan
kong lumapit sa 'yo 'yon? Naging kaasaran at ka-close ko na lang 'yon kasi ang
awkward naman na pumupunta siya sa bahay para turuan ang kapatid ko tapos hindi ko
kakausapin."
The first day was a total mess for me. Parang lahat ng emosyon ay naramdaman ko.
Anger, sadness, joy, and . . . a bit of relief.

The next day, Zoey and I got up early to attend the workshops. We wore our white
polo shirts with our university's logo, as instructed by Ms. Lubrica, and paired
them with jeans. Si Leon ang bumili ng umagahan namin dahil nag-jogging daw ito
kaninang madaling araw. I greeted him, and all he did was nod before placing a
glass of coffee next to my plate.

No, Mari. You can't like him. He'll be a distraction to your study . . . and you
will only tire him like what you did to Jin.

We went to a three-hour workshop where we learned about helping others in crisis

and the importance of pursuing self-actualization.

In the afternoon, we attended another workshop that focused on the technicalities

of thesis writing. Inigrupo pa kami at pinaggawa ng sample titles. We were placed
in different groups for us to learn how to interact with others we didn't know.
Hindi ko naman mapigilan ang mapatingin sa grupo ni Leon. I'm not sure if I'm just
being childish, but I saw a woman showing an interest in him.

There was nothing wrong with that. Leon is single, and women could approach men
without thinking it was inappropriate. It's the 21st century. It's unfair to shame
women who make the first move.

But why am I getting worked up?! Wala dapat akong pakialam kahit mag-hingian sila
ng Facebook at magtawagan araw-gabi! Wala dapat akong pakialam kung magpakasal sila
at magkaroon ng isang dosenang anak!

I breathed in and out to calm myself. You have a bigger problem than that, Mari.

The painfully long workshops ended. Kung hindi lang si Dr. Rovina D. Fujimoto,
isang magaling at sikat na psychiatrist at dance therapist, ang nagdiscuss ay baka
maghapon akong nakasimangot.

"Dinner na!" sigaw ni Ms. Lubrica mula sa labas ng kubo namin, isang oras matapos
naming makabalik mula sa workshop.

Nang lumabas kami ni Zoey ay sabay kaming napasinghap. Paano ba naman kasi ay para
lang kaming magpi-picnic! The picnic blanket was spread out on the seashore,
surrounded by woods lit up with fairy lights!

Ngumiti si Ma'am bago kami kinawayan. "Halika na kayo! Pinapakuha ko lang saglit ng
utensils si Leon!"

"Ano pong meron?" tanong ko nang makalapit kami sa kanya. The set-up was too
romantic for us!

"This is my good luck and congratulatory gift to you guys." Tumingin siya sa likod
namin at maya-maya pa'y lumitaw na si Leon bitbit ang mga utensils. "Whatever the
result may be, I, Ms. Vanessa Lubrica," she said as she pointed at herself, "will
always be proud of you."

Something warmed my heart. She told us to sit down, and we all did. The wind blew
and Leon's fresh fragrance reached my nose. Mukhang kaliligo niya lang. Tumingin
ako sa mga pagkain at napangiti nang mapansing ang mga pinakamahal na ulam sa
canteen ang kinuha ni Ma'am. Wala rin si Dean sa paligid, siguro ay pumunta sa
pamangkin niya.
"I realized that I've been your instructor for almost ten months now. We've spent
two semesters together and we have six more to go," Ms. Lubrica said, eyes gleaming
with joy. "Nakita ko kung paano kayo nag-aral. Nakita ko kung paano kayo nag-
tiyaga. And even if nothing has happened yet, I want you to take this time to thank
yourself."

I looked at the dark ocean and silently said my gratitude to myself.

"Don't put so much pressure on yourselves, okay? Hindi naman namin kayo dinala rito
para manalo."

"Thank you po, ma'am," sabi ni Zoey.

Napangiti ako. Ms. Lubrica will always be my favorite college instructor.

"Salamat po," magkasabay na sabi namin ni Leon. Nagkatinginan pa kami pero agad
ding naman akong nag-iwas.

"Okay, sige na. Let's eat!"

We started having dinner. Ms. Lubrica was talking casually to us. Parang hindi siya
'yong striktang teacher na nakakasalamuha namin sa school. She's still young. She's
only in her early 30's and she's been teaching since she was 24. Wala siyang
boyfriend at ang mga magulang ay sumakabilang-buhay na. She's pretty. She looks
like the type of girlfriend that will take you to museums and coffee dates.

"Pero, ma'am, na-in love ka naman?" untag ni Zoey.

"At this age? Oo naman!" Tumawa siya. "I fell in love with someone I couldn't
have."

"Relate. Na-in love din ako kay Jungkook, eh," nangingiting sagot ni Zoey.

Napalabi ako. Gaga talaga.

I was about to say something when I felt Leon move beside me. My heart clenched in
joy when I saw him putting a bowl of soup beside my plate.

"Do you want more rice?" he asked, his eyes fixed on me.

I nodded.

Nakita ko ang pag-alpas ng maliit na ngiti sa labi niya bago dahan-dahang yumuko.

"Mahilig ka sa kare-kare?"

I bit my lower lip to suppress a big smile from coming across my lips. "Medyo."

Goodness, my voice sounded so small and timid!

Kumuha siya ng kanin at inilagay iyon sa pinggan ko. "Okay na 'yan?"

"Mhmm," I hummed, nodding.

"Are you together?"

Kasabay ng pagtingin ko kay Ma'am ay ang mabilis na pag-iinit ng buong mukha ko.
I waved my hands at her. "H-hindi po, ma'am!"

She squinted. "No'ng review ko pa kayo napapansin."

"Hindi po," sabi ko habang umiiling. "Hindi po talaga."

"If I didn't know that you were just classmates, I would've assumed you were a
couple."

Pasimple kong sinuntok ang gilid ng hita ni Leon dahil hindi siya nagsasalita. I
heard him clear his throat.

"We're not like that, ma'am," sabi niya.

Tumango ang babae. "Okay." She then looked at Zoey. "But do you agree with me?"

Tumawa nang mahina si Zoey. "Opo, ma'am. Pero parang nasa ligawan stage pa lang
yata sila."

"Walang gano'n!" nakalabing reklamo ko. "May ka-ligawan stage siguro 'to pero hindi
ako!"

"I'm not dealing with anyone, Mendoza," Leon uttered.

Umirap ako. Sus! Panigurado namang nakakalandian niya na ngayon 'yong kausap niya
kanina sa convention! Okay, sige, hindi sila ni Zoey, pero malabong wala siyang
fling man lang!

The topic ended briefly. Nagsimula nang magtanong-tanong si Ma'am tungkol sa ibang
aspeto ng buhay namin. Zoey said that her mother works as a sales agent and her
father is an overseas Filipino worker. Dalawa lang silang magkapatid kaya hindi
naman sila sobrang hirap sa pera. Hindi rin naman daw kasi sila maluho.

"How 'bout you, Leon? Okay lang bang tanungin?" Ms. Lubrica asked. "Wala kasi akong
ka-alam alam sa inyo!" tawa niya pa.

I suddenly became attentive. Nakalagay na sa gilid ang mga pinagkainan namin at

lahat kami ay nakatingin na sa dagat. Pinaggigitnaan ako nina Leon at Zoey habang
si Ma'am naman ay katabi ng huli.

"I have thirteen-year-old twin brothers . . . and both of them are my mom's causes
of worry," he started. "Si nanay, may puwesto po sa palengke. She'd wake up early
to sell vegetables and get home late."

I looked at him and noticed his eyes glistening as he spoke about his family. He
seemed to have loved them.

"Every weekend, kapag wala akong kliyente, sinasamahan ko siyang magbenta.

Sometimes, she would tell me to harvest. May maliit po kasi kaming lupa . . .
tapos, doon po nagtatanim si nanay. Kapag naman pangit ang mga tanim, I'd go to
Benguet to buy crops."

I imagined him doing all of that. Kaya siguro may pagka-moreno siya. Nag-aani siya
ng mga pananim kahit mainit. Nagbebenta rin siya sa palengke tapos siguro, kapag
walang bumibili, nagbabasa lang siya ng libro.

He doesn't look like it . . . but he's a good child. I also made a mental note of
how he didn't mention his father.
"And I started taking part-time jobs before completing 11th grade."

Bumuntong-hininga si Ms. Lubrica. "Sana kapag nagka-anak ako, kagaya mo."

Zoey grunted. "Ma'am?! Ba't hindi mo sinabi sa 'kin 'yan?"

Tumawa lang si Ma'am. "Ikaw, Mari?"

"Ma'am, pansinin mo 'ko!" pag-iinarte ni Zoey.

Napangiti ako. "Wala naman pong interesting sa buhay ko."

"May part-time job ka rin, 'di ba? Make-up artist and hairstylist?"

"Opo."

Naramdaman ko ang pagbaling sa akin ni Leon kaya agad na dinaga ang dibdib ko.

"Uhm . . . I'm living with my three friends. Si Karsen, grade 12 po ngayon at ini-
announce lang kahapon na ga-graduate siyang broze medalist." I smiled upon
remembering that. "Si Millicent, journalism major po sa school natin at siya po
lagi ang sumusundo sa 'kin kapag late akong natatapos sa trabaho. Marunong po kasi
siya ng martial arts and mixed martial arts." I took a deep breath when I realized
how blessed I was to have them. "Tapos si Kat . . . she's like the mother of our
group. Parang alam niya lagi kapag may problema kami."

"Buti pinapayagan kayo ng mga magulang n'yo? Bakit? Sa probinsya ba kayo nakatira
lahat?"

Umiling ako. "We don't have parents, ma'am."

My eyes went to the boat that had just arrived, and my heart tightened in pain when
my father got off of that. He looked so high and mighty. Walang mag-aakala na may
itinatago siyang pagkakamali.

"Girl . . ." sabi ni Zoey.

I chuckled. "Don't pity me. We grew up just fine." I could feel Leon's heavy gaze
on me. "Sa Bahay Tuluyan kami lumaki . . . at ewan ko kung bakit walang umampon sa
'min. Siguro dahil itinatago kami ni Mill kapag may dumarating na prospect foster
parents o siguro dahil madumi kami."

Sinalubong si Dad nina Dr. Fujimoto at ng ilan pang VIP. I liked how Ms. Lubrica,
despite being a fangirl, didn't move to give him any attention. Parang nakikinig
lang siya sa akin.

"I despise parents who hate abortions but will treat their children like garbage
that can easily be thrown out," sabi ni Ma'am. "You grew up well, Mari. You grew up
so well that I think you can graduate with honors."

I held my wrist and patted my battle wounds. You heard that? You grew up well,
Amari Sloane.

Tumayo si Ma'am at isa isang ginulo ang buhok namin. She was smiling widely. "I'm
so proud of you three. Masaya akong naging estudyante ko kayo."

I saw my father looking over at my direction, motioning me to follow him. Tumayo na

rin sina Leon at Zoey.
"Mendo—"

I cleared my throat to stop Leon from saying something. "Uhm . . . uuna na 'ko sa
kubo. Magpapahinga na 'ko."

He nodded slightly. "Good night."

"Hoy! Tulungan n'yo kaya akong ayusin 'tong mga pinagkainan natin?" sabi ni Zoey.
"Hindi porke't ako ang pinakamapera sa atin ay gaganituhin n'yo na 'ko!"

Leon scoffed at her. "Pumasok na kayo. Ako na ang bahala d'yan."

Ngumiti ang babae. "Totoo?"

Pumasok kami sa kubo at sandali akong nag-ayos. I waited for Zoey to fall asleep,
and when she finally did, I peeked through Ms. Lubrica's room. She was sleeping as
well. Sumilip din ako sa labas para i-check kung nasa paligid pa si Leon at
nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang mapansing wala ito.

Nagsimula akong maglakad hanggang sa matanaw ko si Dad. Mag-isa na siya. Itinuro

niya ang lighthouse na ngayon ay maliwanag na ang pinakatuktok. I kept walking five
meters behind him. My heart felt like it was being punctured by needles. I couldn't
even walk beside him . . . beside my father.

When we got to the top of the hill, he immediatealy turned around to face me, his
brows furrowed and his eyes almost glaring.

"Magandang gabi po," nakayukong sabi ko.

He exhaled. "Why are you hanging out with your classmates instead of studying,
Amari?"

"Nag-dinner lang po kami."

"Dinner can be done in less than ten minutes. That's why you're not confident!
Imbes na nag-aaral ay kung ano-anong inaatupag mo."

"Isang linggo po kaming nagreview, Mr. Mendoza." Nanikip ang dibdib ko sa paraan ng
pagtawag ko sa kanya.

"And you're still not confident!" He sighed heavily. "You should be the best in
everything you do, Amari! That's the only way you can join my firm! You have to be
the best in that field!"

"I-I'll try—"

"Win the individual quiz bee tomorrow."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. "Dad naman—"

"Mr. Mendoza," he corrected me.

My lips quivered. "Paano po kapag hindi ako nanalo?"

"Don't worry. I won't disown you," he said, calming me a bit. "I'll be just
disappointed. Too . . . disappointed."

He neared me.
"Remember, I'm doing this for you. Not for myself." He patted my forearm. "And the
rules, hmm? No one should know that we're related. I'll stay as Dr. Mendoza and
you'll remain as a smart girl who will win the quiz bee."

Hindi niya na ako binigyan ng pagkakataong makapagsalita. Tinalikuran niya na ako

at nagsimula nang maglakad. He told me not to follow him right away. I just kept an
eye on his back as it faded from sight.

Lumapit ako sa cliff at pinakinggan ang mga alon na humahampas sa gilid nito.
Kailan ba ako masasanay na ganoon ang trato ng tatay ko sa akin? That not all
fathers are heroes? Okay na 'yong pinapahiram niya kami ng matutuluyan. I should at
least endure this for my friends.

"I'm sorry."

I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard Leon speaking behind the lighthouse,
leaning against it with a cigarette between his lips. Kung nasa dulo ako ng cliff
ay siguradong nahulog na ako.

"I didn't mean to hear that," he said, his eyes staring blankly at the sea.

I didn't say anything. Wala naman akong magagawa kung narinig niya. Mukha ring
nauna naman siya rito kaysa sa amin ni Dad.

Tahimik lang kami. Napagtanto ko na sa dalawang araw na nandito kami sa isla ay

marami nang nasaksihan ang lighthouse. It had seen my tears and heard Leon's
calming words. It had listened to my father's wishes and witnessed Leon smoking.

"It's getting dark. We should head back," he said, after a long silence.

I smiled faintly. "Nagyoyosi ka pala."

"Yeah . . . kapag may iniisip," sagot niya. "Why?"

Umiling ako. "Wala naman."

"You hate it?"

I chuckled as I looked at him. "Bakit? Kapag sinabi ko bang oo, ititigil mo?"

Kahit madilim ay kita ko ang paglamlam ng mga mata niya. "That's . . . hard."

"See?"

He nodded. "But I will."

Napatawa ako bago dahan-dahang umiling. "I don't hate it. I even tried it once."

We were once again consumed by silence. I returned my gaze to the sea. My father's
words rang in my head, and I realized that ever since I met him, the only thing
that mattered to me was his acknowledgment.

"Zamora . . ." I said, loud and clear.

"Hmm?"

"You'll join the individual quiz bee, right?"

"Kung ayaw mo—"

Umiling ako at muling nilingon siya. He's put his cigarette down.

"Don't go easy on me." I gulped. I knew I wouldn't have a chance against him, but
that way, my father would see that Leon existed and that I would never be the best
in this field. "Beat me in the quiz bee and show no mercy."

Chapter 6 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 6

I stayed up all night studying. While Zoey was in a deep slumber, I took a seat
next to the open window and let the moon, the stars, and the lampposts outside
light up the notepad I was using to jot down the information I needed to remember.

Students who only want to pass may think I'm trying a bit too hard. That I'm going
over the top and that I'm overacting. Lagi kong naririnig 'yon sa mga kaklase kong
madalas ma-weirdohan sa akin tuwing aral na aral na ako, tuwing makikita nila ang
index cards ko na naglalaman ng summary ng lessons namin, at tuwing gising na
gising ako sa klase habang sila ay humihikab na.

They said I was too grade conscious. They said that looking at me could generate
high academic pressure. Na para bang ang dami nilang hindi alam kapag nakikita nila
akong nag-aaral.

I get mad sometimes. I mean, it's not my fault they don't make studying a big deal
as I do. But then I realized they didn't know why I was putting up so much effort.
They had no idea that being on top was the only option available to me.

Dahil kapag hindi ako nag-aral nang mabuti, mawawalan kami ng matitirhan. Kapag
hindi ako nag-aral nang mabuti, mawawalan ako ng pagkakataon na marinig ang tatay
ko na proud siya sa akin . . . mawawalan ako ng tyansa na makilala ang nanay ko.

"Mari, gisingin mo na si Leon sa kabila," utos ni Ms. Lubrica nang makita akong
nag-aayos na.

"Po?"

Lumapit siya sa akin at kinuha ang suklay sa kamay ko. She began combing my damp
hair, and I could see her doing it gently because I was in front of the mirror.

"Natulog ka ba?" malamyos ang boses na tanong niya. "Ikaw bata ka, napaka-
competitive mo. Ano'ng sabi ko? Okay lang hindi manalo, 'di ba?"

I smiled, warmth surrounding my heart. "Hindi lang po ako makatulog kagabi kaya
nagbasa na lang ako."

Hindi na siya sumagot. She continued brushing my hair with the comb before
returning it to me.

"All good." Pinaharap niya ako sa kanya at mabilis na inayos ang ilang hibla ng
buhok ko sa noo. "Your features are well-defined."

I pursed my lips. "Thank you, ma'am."

She tapped my forearm gently. "Sige na, gisingin mo na si Leon para makapag-
umagahan na tayo."
"Wala po ba si Dean?"

Tumango siya. "Maagang umalis. May tatrabahuhin lang daw sa bayan kasi doon malakas
ang signal."

I cleared my throat. "Uhm . . . si Leon lang po ang nando'n?"

"Oo. Bakit?"

"Wala naman po!" Napakurap ako nang nanliit ang mga mata niya sa akin. "Ah, sige.
Pupunta na po ako sa kabila."

Agad ko siyang tinalikuran. Lumabas ako ng kubo namin at pinaypayan ang sarili. I'm
not sure what's making me nervous. Siguro dahil matapos ang pag-uusap namin kagabi
ay hindi na siya nagsalita. Paulit-ulit kong sinabi sa kanya na kailangan niyang
sumali sa individual quiz bee dahil maraming incentives na matatanggap ang
mananalo. He could use those to help his mother.

I walked up to the nipa hut's door and knocked. "Zamora, gumising ka na!" sigaw ko
bago muling kumatok. "Uhm . . . sa amin daw mag-uumagahan!" My heart was pounding
in my chest, as I was getting more nervous and a little bit . . . excited?

No, Mari! Kaba lang 'yan!

I knocked again, louder this time. "Bahala kang ma-late, ha! Basta ginising ki—"

My mouth dropped open when the door suddenly opened. Topless and clothed in just a
pair of rugged, tattered jeans around his torso, Leon Ysmael Zamora stood there in
flesh, brows furrowed and hair obviously damp.

"How can you be so loud in the morning?" he asked flatly.

Napalunok ako. His body . . . his body . . . it could defeat the bodies of ancient
gods!

"G-gumising ka na raw!" I almost hit myself for stuttering.

"Do I look asleep to you?"

Hindi! Pero ako ang makakatulog habambuhay kapag ibinalandra mo pa lalo 'yang
katawan mo!

I looked everywhere but him.

Wow. Biruin mo nga naman. Parang maganda ang pagkakagawa ng kubong 'to, ah?
Mamahalin ang mga materyales na ginamit at pinong-pino ang pagkakayari. Mukhang
matibay, matigas, at mukhang walang bagyong hindi kayang suungin. Parang katawan
lang!

Huh? Katawan? Kawayan yata 'yon? O . . . katawan ng puno! 'Yan! 'Yong trunk! Ha-ha!
Very good!

"What the hell is going on in your pretty little head, Mendoza?"

Hindi ko siya pinansin. Umalis na lang kaya ako bigla sa harap niya? Hindi ba
magiging awkward 'yon? Baka isipin niya ay naglalaway ako! Ang dami-dami ko nang
nakitang gan'yan sa pageant!

"Hey."
Siguro batak siya sa pagtatrabaho. May mga ano siya, eh . . . abs. May ganoon din
naman ako noon no'ng nag-workout ako. Medyo napakain lang ulit kaya nawala! Dapat
bang mag-balik alindog program ako? Para matalo ko siya sa pagandahan ng katawan?

"Mendoza."

"Ano ba?!" singhal ko bago siya galit na tinapunan ng tingin.

He was taken aback, but I noticed a glimmer of amusement passing through his eyes.

"Nag-iisip 'yong tao, abala ka!" dagdag ko pa.

"Pasok."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Pasok?! Saan?! Oh god! Ano'ng pinaplano niya?!

"B-bakit naman kita susundin?! Ano ka diyos?"

He turned his back on me, and I couldn't help but let out a breath of surprise when
I saw how sexy it was.

Hindi pa ako nakakabawi sa lahat ng nakikita ko nang magsalita ulit siya.

"Pumasok ka. I'm making something."

As if under a spell, I followed him.

The scent of the whole place was relaxing, with a mixture of pinewood aroma and a
close resemblance to that of burnt wood because of whatever he was making. I could
also smell the fresh shower gel that he had just used. It had the manly scent of
alpine wood that made it seem like he had just left the forest. It was crisp,
clean, daring, and, in a word, rough as all hell.

Sa madaling salita, lalaking-lalaki . . . at mabango.

I sat in one of the chairs as he kept doing something on the counter. Mabilis lang
namang iyong natapos dahil humarap din siya agad sa akin. Pinilit kong iwaksi sa
utak ko ang mga papuri sa katawan niya. Huh! Meron din naman ako n'yan dati!

"Drink this," he said as he put a cup in front of me.

Tumitig ako roon. It was tea. May ilang piraso pa ng maninipis na dahon.

I put my weight against the back of the chair and turned my head to look at him.
"Ayokong inumin. Baka may drugs pa 'yan."

Ipinatong niya ang dalawang kamay sa mesa. He leaned in closer to me, his glasses
slipping a little on the bridge of his nose.

The look on his face made my glare dim a little. Nakakainis! Kanina ko pa siya
sinusungitan pero hindi niya ibinabalik ang sungit sa akin! I want him to be mean
to me so that I won't have any more feelings for him than I already do!

"It's rosemary tea," he said in a raspy, throaty voice.

I mentally cursed. Why is he treating me so nicely? Hindi naman kami ganito! He

hasn't spoken to me once all semester long! He even went so far as to say that he
didn't consider me his type! Tapos ngayon, bigla siyang babait sa akin?
"Pake ko?"

The muscles in his jaw clenched. "I got up really early and asked the locals for
some rosemary I saw last night so I could make this for you."

I clenched my fist against the fabric of my clothes. The gentleness of his voice,
along with the words he had just said, made it hard for me to stay unfazed.

"Bakit naman . . . " Humina ang boses ko, tuluyan nang nawala ang pagsusungit. I
bit my lower lip to stop myself from sulking. "Hindi ko naman sinabing igawa mo 'ko
n'yan."

"You didn't sleep, did you?"

I tried my hardest to crease my forehead but failed. "W-wala ka na ro'n."

"Inumin mo 'to kahit konti. It will calm your brain by relaxing your nerves and
improving your blood flow." Napaigtad ako nang ipinatong niya ang kamay sa ulo ko
na para ba akong maliit na tuta. "You might pass out if you don't drink that, so be
a little less assertive this time, okay?"

I was too surprised to say anything. He stood properly and pointed at the tea using
his lips, urging me to drink.

Kinuha ko ang tasa at parang nahihipnotismong sinunod ang gusto niyang mangyari.
Its warmth quickly soothed my throat, and by the time it moved down my stomach, I
felt a sense of relaxation overtaking me.

A small smile formed on his lips as soon as I finished. He handed me a tissue from
the counter to wipe my lips, and I took it without thinking twice. Matapos gamitin
ay iniabot ko ulit iyon sa kanya na tinanggap niya naman.

"Bumalik ka na. Susunod ako."

Truth be told, the tea made such a huge difference in my overall mood. But then
again, it could have been because my day started by seeing the heaven's bountiful
gift to women. Kahit tuloy ramdam ko ang tingin ni Dad habang nag-qu-quiz bee kami
ay hindi ako pinangunahan ng kaba.

Ngayong umaga ang group quiz bee at sa hapon naman ang individual quiz bee. And out
of 93 universities, only 13 were left. Kasama na kami roon. Sa katabing mesa namin
ay ang grupo nina Jin na gaya namin ay wala pa ring mali. Most of the time, Leon
would say the answer while Zoey would write it down. Minsan ay ako. It was a nice
teamwork. Never have I been in a group like this before.

"For the next question, let's make it a little confusing," said the host. "What is
the term used by Adlerian psychologists to define the condition of psychological
well-being, which is characterized by a sense of social connectivity and concern
for the well-being of others?"

"Ano raw?" mahinang tanong ni Zoey.

The question was asked again, and I shut my eyes to make sure I heard it correctly.

"Luh, hindi ko naintindihan," sabi ulit ng babae. "Ano, Leon?"

"They made the question hard, but I'm sure the answer is easy."
I opened my eyes. "Isn't it gemeinschaftsgefühl?"

Ibinigay ni Zoey ang whiteboard sa akin. "Lito ako sa spelling no'n."

Isinulat ko ang sagot doon. Hindi naman sila pumalag. When we were asked to raise
our whiteboards, I noticed that almost everyone had written "social interest,"
while some had no answer.

Inisa-isa ng host ang mga sagot namin bago nakipag-usap kay Dr. Fujimoto na para
bang may itinatanong siya. Wala pang isang minuto ay humarap din agad ito sa amin.

"Okay, everyone who wrote their answers was correct."

I smiled to myself before putting the whiteboard down.

"Excuse me, Sir, this group has given a different answer."

Napatingin ako kay Jin nang bigla siyang nagsalita, ang daliri ay nakaturo sa amin.

Is he being serious?

"Hmm? What's their answer?" tanong ng host. "Can you raise your whiteboard please?"

I raised it confidently, knowing our answer was correct.

"See? Iba 'yong sagot nila," sabi ulit ni Jin.

Tumaas ang kilay ko. "Gemeinschaftsgefühl and social interest mean the same," I
said, the German word rolling off my tongue.

I heard Leon chuckle softly. "And in fact, our answer is more accurate because we
were asked for a term, not terms."

Napangisi ako. I didn't notice that. Lagi talaga siyang naka-focus sa technicality.

Dr. Fujimoto raised from her seat and a microphone was immediately given to her.

"Actually, gemeinschaftsgefühl is the correct answer," she said. "Pinagbigyan lang

namin 'yong mga nagsagot ng social interest kasi . . ." she paused before looking
closely at my nameplate, "Ms. Mendoza was right, they mean the same."

Lumipad agad ang tingin ko kay Dad at halos manggilid ang luha ko nang makitang
nakangiti siya sa akin.

Did I make him proud? Was he smiling because someone so high and influential
mentioned our family name?

I bit the inside of my lower lip before turning my attention back to the
whiteboard, feeling a surge of happiness.

"And since Mr. Zamora strikes us with grammar, I'm sorry, but I think their answer
is the only one that will do."

That made us the winner. Kahit may mga sumunod na tanong ay walang nakahabol sa
score namin dahil hindi na kami nagkamali. I could tell that Jin was getting worked
up, and the feeling of satisfaction that it gave me was overwhelming.

"Congrats," labas sa ilong na sabi niya nang magtapat kami. They won second place.
I smiled triumphantly. There's no way I'll say it back to him.

"Thanks."

"Talino mo pa rin." Ngumisi siya. "I'm wondering . . . are you up for a study date
after this? Just like the old times?"

I couldn't help but stare at him, unsure of how or why I had been so in love with
him before. Yes, he was gifted in every way possible, but he was too arrogant to be
around.

Back then, even though we dated briefly, I thought he was the one for me. Marami
kaming similarities at interests. We'd spent most of our dates studying and helping
each other. Kahit may kaya ang pamilya niya, simple lang ang mga lakad namin. He
went on giving me flowers and handwritten letters.

After being punched by Mill, personal siyang humingi ng tawad sa akin kaya siguro
iniisip niya na okay lang ang kausapin ako. But how could he have missed the fact
that I didn't say I'd be willing to forgive him? I could see where he was coming
from because I knew how tiring it was to be in a relationship with me, but I'm not
interested in seeing him again!

Sa bibig niya na mismo nanggaling na nakakaubos akong mahalin. Tapos study date? He
must be out of his mind.

"I'm not interested in spending any time with you, Jin," I replied.

His brow arched. "Why? Are you in a relationship?"

Shivers ran up and down my spine as I sensed Leon's presence behind me. Kilala ko
ang amoy niya kaya sigurado akong siya iyon. He was standing too close to me. Sa
oras na humarap ako sa kanya ay tatama ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya.

"Is he making you uncomfortable?" mahinang tanong niya.

Tumango ako. Kahit na kay Jin ang mata ko, na ngayon ay puno ng inis ang mukha, ang
buong atensyon ko naman ay nasa lalaki sa likuran ko.

"Excuse me, we've got to go," pormal na sabi niya kay Jin bago hinawakan ang siko
ko.

Jin chuckled sarcastically. "'Wag bastos, p're, magka-usap pa kami, 'di ba?"

"I'm pretty sure it's not as important as her having lunch." Bahagya niya akong
hinigit kaya napasandal ako sa kanya.

"Ikakamatay ba ni Mari kapag na-late siya ng limang minuto?" inis na tanong ni Jin.

I felt Leon's chest vibrate against my back, para bang tumawa siya.

"I don't think even an hour would be enough, given how much you're talking."

Hindi pa nakakasagot si Jin ay hinila na ako ni Leon paalis. Hinanap ko sa paligid

ang mga kasama namin pero mukhang nauna na silang makabalik sa kubo. Doon kasi kami
manananghalian.

"Ex mo 'yon?" he asked before letting go of my arm.

Sumimangot ako. "Unfortunately."

His brow furrowed slightly. "You have a thing for talkative guys?"

Napaisip ako. Jin sure talks a lot, but . . . I don't think I have such a type.

"Wala."

He squinted. "But you were smiling earlier at the quiz bee."

"Huh?"

Umismid siya at nagsimula nang maglakad. "Ano? Kinikilig ka?"

Sinabayan ko siya sa paglalakad, kunot ang noo at takang-taka kung saan siya
nanggagaling. "Ano bang sinasabi mo? Hindi kita ma-gets."

"Nakangiti ka nga kanina sa quiz bee," giit niya.

"Ba't naman ako ngingiti?"

"I don't know. Baka dahil sa ex mo," nakasimangot na sabi niya.

Napaisip ako. He must be talking about the way I smiled when I saw my proud father
smiling at me.

Nang maalala iyon ay bumalik ang saya ko. I would give anything to relive the
feeling of seeing the pride in his eyes again.

"What?"

Nakangiti akong bumaling kay Leon. "Hmm?"

Bahagyang pumungay ang mga mata niya nang magtama ang tingin namin. I was about to
ask him what was the problem but he quickly looked away as if something had pricked
his eyes.

Hindi na siya nagsalita kaya hindi ko na lang din pinansin. I kept playing my
father's smile over and over in my head as I was eating lunch to get myself
motivated for the next activity.

Masayang-masaya si Ms. Lubrica para sa amin. She said she would treat us to an
expensive dinner as soon as we returned home.

When the time came for the individual quiz bee, all I could think about was my
father's smile. Kailangan kong galingan para makita ulit 'yon. Who knows? Maybe if
I won, he'd say he was proud of me and that I was just exactly like him.

Elimination round agad ang first part at mabilis kaming nangalahati. Natanggal din
si Zoey dahil nagkamali siya sa spelling. Sa pangalawang part, mas mahirap na ang
mga tanong kaya marami rin ang agad na natanggal. Kasama roon si Jin at ang babaeng
nagpakita ng interes kay Leon.

I didn't want to get ahead of myself. Kami ni Leon ang nangunguna dahil parehas pa
kaming hindi nagkakamali. Napakatahimik ng buong lugar. It was as if they could
feel the tension between all the participants.

Tumingin ako kay Dad at kahit papaano ay lumakas ang loob ko nang tumango siya sa
akin.
"Alright, since you are the top students of your respective colleges, we'd like to
check if you're doing your advance reading." Almost everyone grunted, making the
host laugh. "Are you people practicing that?"

I cast a quick glance over at Leon, who was maintaining his composure and cool.
Gumuho ang maliit na pag-asa sa puso ko. Alam kong kahit ilang gabi akong magpuyat
kakaaral ay hindi ko siya matatalo. He was gifted; I was not. Masipag lang ako pero
hindi ako kasingtalino niya.

Umiling ako. It's okay. Basta napangiti ko na si Dad. That memory was beautiful
enough for me.

"Mike wants to do some research. He wants to find out if the way people's
favorability of the death penalty has a relationship with their gender. From what
you know about statistics, what statistical method should he use?"

I swallowed hard. Psychological statistics? Next school year pa namin pag-aaralan

'to.

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa whiteboard marker ko. I'm not completely ignorant when
it comes to this subject because I've been keeping up with my reading.

I wrote down Phi Coefficient. I'm not sure if that was right because I had a hard
time choosing between that and Pearson R. Wala pa naman kasi akong sapat na
kaalaman tungkol doon.

Pero nang makita kong parehas kami ng sagot ni Leon ay agad akong nakampante.

"Only Mr. Zamora and Ms. Mendoza got the correct answer." Ngumiti ang host. "Kanina
pa kayo, ha? Saang school galing 'to?"

Tumawa ang mga nasa paligid. Muli akong sumulyap kay Dad at ganoon na ang lang tuwa
ko nang makita ulit ang ngiti niya. It kept me going for so long that I was able to
answer all the questions hurled at us without a hitch.

I was so caught up in answering the questions that I failed to notice that out of
279 participants, only Leon and I were left.

"Grabe, ipinaramdam n'yo talaga sa lahat na taga-sulat lang ako no'ng group quiz
bee, ah!" Narinig kong sigaw ni Zoey, dahilan para magtawanan ang mga nasa paligid.

Pinilit kong ngumiti. Win or lose, this should be good enough for me. Ibig sabihin,
sa dami ng magagaling na estudyante sa buong Pilipinas, I was placed second in the
biggest and most anticipated convention.

"For our last question . . ."

Even though the room was well-ventilated, beads of sweat formed on my temples. I
knew I wasn't afraid of failing; I was afraid of taking away my dad's beautiful,
proud smile.

My greatest desire was that he would look upon me with pride and honor. . . parang
ang bigat sa akin kung mababawi agad 'yon.

"The driver who goes beyond the posted speed limit is given a ticket by a law
enforcement officer. Which one of the four quadrants of operant conditioning does
this fall into?"

I answered positive punishment immediately. Alam kong tama ang magiging sagot ni
Leon dahil siya pa mismo ang nag-explain noon sa akin. He said that the "positive"
in the idea of "positive punishment" doesn't mean it's good. He explained it to me
in a way that I would understand it easily. Ang positive ay plus sign kaya ang ibig
sabihin noon ay i-a-add ang pinaka-punishment. The perfect example he gave me was
that if I misbehaved, I might have to wash more plates.

"Both of you got the right answer!" the host said. "Matatapos ba tayo rito, guys?"

Kasabay ng tawanan ng mga tao sa paligid ay ang muling pagbangon ng kaba sa dibdib
ko. Alam kong hindi papayag ang organizers na dalawa kaming mananalo. The prize
money for this competition was over thirty thousand. Bukod pa ang iuuwi naming
thirty thousand din mula sa pagkapanalo sa group quiz bee. If Leon and I both won,
the prize would either be doubled or we would split it in half.

Malaking pera 'yon para sa amin. Kapag nanalo siya, puwede siyang bumili ng mga
kailangan niya pang libro o kaunting pananim para sa lupa nila. Kapag naman ako ang
nanalo, gagamitin ko iyon sa mga gastusin namin sa bahay.

But then, I was sure that winning the money was trivial for me because all I had
ever wanted was to live up to my father's expectations.

"Last question, hopefully . . ." sabi ng host. "Ito 'yong paniniwala natin na mahal
lang tayo ng iba kapag may nakukuha sila sa 'tin at mahalaga lang tayo kapag
naibibigay natin 'yong gusto nila."

As if on cue, my attention shifted to my father, who was seated among the most
prominent people in the room.

"We believe that our parents will adore us if we get good grades. They will look
after us, but only if we can be something of a trophy for them. They'll acknowledge
us, but only if we continue to behave like a good dog and do everything they say."

With my hands trembling, I wrote down conditions of worth.

Parang balang tumanim iyon sa puso ko. I never saw myself as someone who was worthy
because even my birth was a mistake.

Kaya ayos lang sa akin kung kailangan kong mag-aral nang mabuti para makatanggap ng
papuri. Okay lang sa akin kung maging display trophy lang ako basta maramdaman kong
ipinagmamalaki ako. I grew up being deprived of attention and love . . . at gagawin
ko ang lahat para makuha 'yon sa mga taong pinapahalagahan ko.

"Ms. Mendoza got the correct answer! At long last, we have a winner!"

Gulat akong napatingin sa whiteboard ni Leon. It was blank.

Tatanungin ko na sana siya kung bakit wala siyang sagot nang papuntahin na ako ng
host sa unahan kasama ang mga VIP. They immediately awarded me with a framed
certificate, and my father personally gave me a gold medal for my success.

"Thanks for not disappointing me," he whispered cautiously to me as he put the

medal around my neck. "You've accomplished our goal."

I waited for a moment, thinking he would tell me he was proud of me . . . but he

didn't.

My emotions were all over the place because everything happened so quickly. Napako
ang tingin ko kay Leon na bahagyang nakangiti at pumapalakpak para sa akin kasama
ang ibang estudyante. Ms. Lubrica and Zoey were yelling out my name and exclaiming
how proud they were of me.

Minsan pala, sa iba mo talaga mahahanap ang mga bagay na gusto mong makita o
marinig mula sa mga taong pinapahalagahan mo.

I sighed. Ano bang iniaarte mo, Amari? Hindi porke't nakita mong nakangiti ang
tatay mo sa 'yo ay aasa ka nang yayayain ka niyang mag-dinner, magpapakilala siya
sa mga kaibigan mo at magpapasalamat dahil inalagaan ka . . . o bibigyan ka niya ng
mahigpit na yakap.

This should be enough.

My struggle of studying so hard that it almost drained my body was worth it because
at least . . . my father wasn't disappointed.

And so, while everyone was clapping for me, I took a deep breath and allowed myself
to take in the pride of winning.

Ms. Lubrica threw a celebration for us that night. Nagpabili siya ng alak sa bayan
at ibinalik sa ayos ang picnic blanket.

"Bakit blangko ang sagot mo?" tanong ko kay Leon habang nagsasalin ng beer sa baso
ko.

He rolled his eyes jokingly. "Are you rubbing your victory on my face?"

I chuckled. "Did I just get lucky that you didn't know the answer?"

He gulped down his drink. "Obviously."

"Yabang." I scoffed.

Dalawang oras na kaming nag-iinom nang pumasok ako sa loob ng kubo para kunin ang
cellphone ko. Zoey was talking nonstop, and I thought I could sneak out to go to
the hill.

But when I opened the door to our room, my reviewers' mess cracked me up. Nandoon
lahat sa mesa kung saan ako nag-aral kagabi hanggang kaninang umaga. Hindi ko pala
naayos.

So, instead of just getting my phone, I walked towards it to start cleaning. Inisa-
isa ko ang bawat papel at napangiti. Everything was here. 'Yong mga inaral namin ni
Leon at paulit-ulit na idiniscuss sa amin ni Ms. Lubrica.

For some reason, my heart felt light when I saw Leon's handwriting on my notepad.
It was a list of terms I needed to keep in mind.

Habang binabasa iyon ay parang may sumasakal sa dibdib ko. Sa ilang araw naming
magkasama, kahit ilang libong beses kong itanggi, alam kong napalapit ang loob ko
sa kanya.

He made me feel seen in his presence. Kahit wala akong sabihin, parang alam niya
kung kailan ko kailangan ng tulong. He showered me with the rain of his efforts
without expecting even a single drop in return. Hindi niya hinahayaang malipasan
ako ng gutom at sinisigurado niyang maayos lagi ang lagay ko. He would do every
little thing for me . . . kahit hindi ko hilingin.

He had filled my heart to the brim with so much care that just for a few days . . .
just a few days . . . I didn't remember the feeling of being alone. Kasi lagi niya
akong sinasamahan. Sa pagsakay sa bus, sa paghahanap ng signal, sa pag-aaral . . .
sa pag-iyak.

Oh god, what am I admitting to myself now?

I shook my head slightly and continued reading, but just as I was about to turn the
next page of my notepad, I saw something that moved me to the core of my being
painfully.

Conditions of worth

My hands trembled as I traced his handwriting, unwanted thoughts flooding my head.

On the next page, he had written out the term's definition in full, with examples,
and it was almost identical to the question that had been asked earlier.

I forced myself to stand up and ran out the door, taking the notepad along with me.
Binabalot ng takot ang puso ko habang naglalakad papunta kay Leon na ngayon ay
nakatayo sa dalampasigan at pinapanood ang dagat.

He knew the answer. He knew the right answer, but he left his whiteboard blank on
purpose! I knew I couldn't beat him, bakit nga ba ako nakampante na natalo ko siya
nang ganoon kadali!?

Pagkalapit na pagkalapit ko sa kanya ay ibinato ko sa kanya ang notepad ko dahilan

para mapaharap siya sa akin.

I was panting and my chest felt tight as I ran out of breath. Para akong
napaglaruan. He was clapping for me in the crowd earlier, and I was taking pride in
the achievement, not knowing that he had paved the way for my victory.

Hindi ako totoong nanalo. Pinagbigyan niya lang ako.

"Alam mo 'yong sagot, 'di ba?" I asked, controlling my anger.

Kaaamin ko lang sa sarili ko na nahuhulog na ako sa kanya . . . tapos ito agad ang
malalaman ko? Akala niya ba matutuwa ako dahil sa ginawa niya?

He took a quick look at the notepad before picking it up. "Kung alam ko, dapat
isinulat ko."

My vision suddenly became blurry. Nahihiya ako sa lahat. Nahihiya ako sa sarili ko.
That was the proudest I've had so far in my life and to think that I only got it
because someone stepped out for me to win . . . I must have looked like a fucking
idiot.

"Alam mo 'yong sagot, Leon," nanghihinang ulit ko.

He was taken aback, most likely by the way I addressed him.

"Hindi nga . . ."

A tear escaped my eye. "Putangina, alam mo 'yong sagot!"

He looked unsure of what to do. Just then, he moved closer to me, placing his hand
on my knuckles. "Bakit umiiyak ka?" His voice was quivering with worry. "We both
know you won because you did your best."

I yanked his hand away from mine harshly. "Sinungaling ka! Naawa ka lang sa 'kin
kaya nagparaya ka! Nand'yan sa notepad! Sinulat mo! Kumpletong-kumpleto!"
Umiling siya at lalong lumamlam ang mga mata. "I had a mental block . . ."

"Talaga ba? Gagawin mo 'kong tanga?" My voice trembled. "Hindi mo ba naisip na mas
gugustuhin ko pang matalo at marinig na dismayado ang tatay ko sa 'kin kaysa ang
isipin ng lahat na nanalo ako?"

He stood back and watched me lash out, probably not knowing what to say.

"Bakit, Leon?"

"Let's calm down—"

I shook my head. "Bakit mo nga ginawa 'yon?! Hindi ka naman mayaman! Kailangan mo
rin 'yong pera!"

"Nakainom ka. You should slee—"

"Not until you tell me your reason! Bakit, ha? Sinadya mo ba 'to para magmukha
akong tanga sa harap mo? Ano?! Masayang-masaya ka bang panoorin akong magyabang
suot 'yong putanginang gintong medal na 'yon habang iniisip na kaya lang naman ako
'yong nanalo kasi pinagbigyan mo 'ko!"

He sighed. "No . . . alam mong hindi ko 'yan gagawin sa 'yo."

"Then why, Leon?!" I was so mad that he wouldn't admit a thing! "Do you like me?!"

His lips parted, his eyes widening a fraction.

Laughing bitterly, I shook my head. "Those two are the only possible reasons why
you let me win."

We were completely immersed in silence. Sa tagal ay bumalik ang normal na paghinga

ko. Ang hangin na humahaplos sa balat ko ay unti-unti akong pinakalma. Hindi ko
alam kung nasaan sina Ms. Lubrica at Zoey pero ipinagpasalamat ko na hindi nila
nakita ang ginawa ko. At mas lalong hindi ko rin alam kung kaya kong sabihin sa
kanila na nagparaya lang si Leon para sa akin.

"I have no feelings for you," he said clearly, breaking the silence . . . and a
piece of my heart.

Para akong natauhan sa sinabi niya Now I'm not sure which is more painful — hearing
him admit he paved the way for me or hearing him say he didn't like me. He was
staring at me, and all I could see was the heartbreaking sincerity that was etched
in his eyes.

"Are you being honest?" I whispered so lightly I could barely hear myself.

He gave me a forthright nod, crushing my heart over again. "You can calm down now."

"Are you . . . really being honest?" tanong ko ulit.

I wasn't sure if it was about the quiz bee anymore.

He sighed. "Walang dahilan para pagbigyan kitang manalo kasi hindi kita gusto."

It was like a cue to me. I smiled weakly and finally had the courage to turn my
back on him . . . to turn my back on the feelings I had for him.
 Chapter 7 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 7

After that, nothing was the same again.

Wala akong pinagsabihan ng nangyari. I buried everything in the ground . . .

including my feelings.

My performance in the individual quiz bee made me the top student in my batch in BS
Psychology for that semester. I was 3 marks ahead of Leon, who came in second.
Kahit ramdam ko ang saya ng lahat ng mga kaklase ko para sa akin, hindi ko
maiwasang itanong sa sarili kung dapat ko ba talagang matanggap 'yon lalo at alam
ko na hindi ako ang pinakamagaling na estudyante.

Ipinaabot ko na lang din kay Zoey ang DSM-5-TR ni Leon. I don't want to get
involved with him in any way. Not again. Not ever. Ayoko ng utang na loob sa kanya
at mas lalong ayokong makita sa paligid ko ang mga bagay na magpapaalala sa akin na
umasa lang ako. Kahit na kasi paulit-ulit kong sinabi sa sarili ko na baka mabait
lang talaga siya, I knew deep within me that I secretly hoped we could get
somewhere else.

"Hindi n'yo naman ako sinabihan na ganito kahirap ang college!" nakangusong sabi ni
Karsen, kasalukuyang nasa unang taon niya sa kolehiyo, bitbit ang makapal na yellow
paper kung saan nakasulat ang problem set na kailangan niyang sagutan.

"Do you need my help?" I asked.

"Or my help?" singit ni Mill.

Sumimangot si Karsen sa kanya. "Baka matanggal ang scholarship ko kapag ikaw." She
sat next to me. "Hirap ako rito," sabay turo sa isang equation.

It was a good diversion. Working, studying, and hanging out with my friends stop me
from thinking about things too much.

Leon and I were back to where we had been before. Hindi nagpapansinan at hindi nag-
uusap. I also unfollowed him on Facebook and marked our conversation as spam. It
was better that way. Mas mabilis kong malilimutan ang nararamdaman ko para sa
kanya.

Sa mga nagdaang buwan, saka ko lang napagtanto na gustong-gusto ko pala siya at

doon ko lang din naamin sa sarili kong naging pabaya ako. I became too careful to
keep my thoughts guarded, not realizing that I let my emotions go unchecked.

I sheltered my mind, but not my heart.

Sinubukan ko ang lahat para bumalik ako sa dati. Iniwasan ko siya at kahit isang
beses ay hindi na tinapunan ng tingin.

I reminded myself of my original goal — to stay at the top.

Having said that, I made sure that every time he would be called to recite, I would
raise my hand to recite as well. Every time he would solve a mathematical problem
in front of the class, I would make sure to solve another problem, one that was
harder.

Slowly, as sure as night and day, I knew I would forget all about him. Na darating
ang araw na ang matitira na lang na emosyon ko para sa kanya ay ang kagustuhang
matalo siya.

I knew I would forget the little things he did for me in the long run.

I knew I would lose interest at some point.

I knew I'd eventually get over him.

Or so that's what I assumed.

Because months into the second year of college, a myth that was confirmed right in
front of my eyes made my feelings for him eventually catch up with me.

"Totoo pala," bulong ni Shaira nang makita namin si Leon kasama ang magandang
transferee sa BS Biology.

It was Maria Psyche Alvarado, the new student who caused a stir when rumors began
to circulate that she was dating Leon. Mayaman siya, hindi mayamang-mayaman, but
she was still a class above us . . . or at least classes above me. She could have
afforded a better school, but she chose to study here for a reason I wouldn't have
the chance to know . . . I'm assuming it's because of Leon.

The beautiful woman was clutching onto his right arm and he was letting her . . .
so naturally.

They walked into the canteen without paying any attention to the stares they
received on the way. Para silang may sariling mundo na sila lang ang nakakaalam.
And even though his face showed no emotion, I knew he was feeling something by the
way he allowed her to touch him.

"Oo. No'ng last day na tinuruan ni Leon ang kapatid ko, sinabi niya sa 'min na
maaga siyang aalis kasi may pupuntahan pa siya," sabi ni Zoey na ngayong taon ay
kaklase na namin. "Tapos ayun, nalaman ko kay Mama na nakita niya raw na may
kasamang babae 'yan."

All of a sudden, I felt like I had lost my appetite. Hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko
sa kanila at ganoon na lang ang paninikip ng dibdib ko nang makitang dumulas ang
kamay ng babae papunta sa kamay niya. I watched how their fingers intertwined, but
before the pain completely engulfed my heart, I had the courage to focus my eyes on
my food.

Matagal ko nang naririnig na may girlfriend siya. Balitang-balita iyon sa

department namin. Iba lang ngayon kasi harap-harapan kong nakita at hindi ko
inaasahan na masakit pala.

Posible pala 'yon, 'no? Na kahit gaano kaikli at kaunti ang alaala n'yo, puwede
palang malalim ang maging balik no'n sa 'yo.

"Hindi ba kayo nagka-something?" untag ni Zoey sa akin. "'Yong sa Davao?"

A sharp pain stabbed through my chest as she mentioned the place where I confessed
to myself that I had feelings for Leon.

It was still clear to me. Nang huling gabi namin sa isla, itinanong niya sa akin
kung bakit hindi na ako lumabas ng kubo. Miski raw ang lalaki ay nagpaalam nang
matutulog. The time I had an outburst in front of Leon, she was in the lighthouse
with Ms. Lubrica because she'd been wanting to go there ever since we arrived.
"Kadiri, ha?" natatawang sabi ko bago nag-angat ng tingin.

This is what I mastered — concealing my emotions. Kaya nga nakahiligan ko ang make-
up dati, eh. Not only would it hide my blemishes, but it would also cover up my
fears, insecurities, and, dare I say it, even my jealousy.

"Ang ganda talaga ng friend ko," pang-aasar ni Meg na nginisian ko lang. "Anyway,
may reviewer na ako sa Purposive Comm, bet n'yo?"

The conversation moved on to the forthcoming midterm exams, but I remember being so
affected by what I had seen that I cried myself to sleep that night.

Ewan ko ba, ang babaw ko talaga lagi. Kaunting sakit lang, grabe ko dibdibin.
Sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na ayos lang 'yon kasi wala namang ibang
nakakakita. Ako lang naman ang nakakaalam na nasasaktan ako. Madali namang itago.
Madali namang idaan na lang sa tawa.

It was a mistake. Having feelings for him was a mistake.

Simula noon, lagi ko na silang nakikitang magkasama ng kasintahan niya. They were
everywhere. Sa library, sa canteen, sa hallway ng department namin, sa waiting shed
sa labas ng school, sa lahat.

I don't know if they were really everywhere or if I was just paying too much
attention to them.

Dumating sa punto na parang sa akin na lang big deal 'yon. Ako na lang 'yong
napapatingin kapag magkasama sila. Ako na lang 'yong may pakialam.

The first semester of my second year brought forth a slew of changes. Hindi na
namin kaklase si Maricar dahil napalipat siya ng section. She remained friends with
Leon, so she would visit our room from time to time.

Then there were a few moments when I could swear I saw Leon looking at me, but then
he would quickly avert his gaze. It still made my heart flutter, but I never let
myself think about liking him again.

Ngayon kasi, sigurado na ako. Hindi na tsismis lang na may girlfriend na siya.

"Mendoza, 98," sabi ng instructor namin sa chemistry nang ini-announce ang final
grade namin. "Congrats."

"Thank you po, sir," nakangiting sabi ko.

"Nuevo, 92. Palacpac, 88. Quintana, 90 . . ." he proceeded.

I mumbled a prayer to myself that Leon wouldn't end up with a better grade than I
did. Kahit kasi nasa isang relasyon siya, hindi niya napapabayaan ang pag-aaral
niya. May mga pagkakataong mas mataas pa rin siya sa akin kahit halos hindi na ako
matulog kakaaral. Hindi gaya niya. Everything he did seemed effortless to him.

"Zamora, 99."

I tightened my fists and clenched my jaw when it was announced. Agad na lumipad ang
mga mata ko sa kanya at sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ngayong semestre, hindi siya
nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin. Our gazes locked, and I felt as if he was reading me in
some way.

Ano? Mas masaya ka ba ngayon? Walang bago, 'no? Lagi ka pa ring nakakalamang. Lagi
kang mas magaling. Lagi kang . . . nauuna.

Slowly, I lowered my eyes, afraid he'd catch sight of how much I longed for him.

To: Mr. Mendoza

Good evening po. Wala po akong load ngayon kaya hindi ko mai-se-send sa e-mail n'yo
pero ito po ang grades ko:

Chemistry and Developmental Psych – 98 (1.25)

Experimental Psych – 97 (1.25)

Art Appreciation, Gender and Society, Tradition of Fiction, and Psychological

Statistics – 99 (1.00)

Average – 1.11

I lay in my bed, thinking about how long I'd be like this. Days dragged on
endlessly for me. And the more I see Leon and Psyche together, the more I realize
how much I still like him. Walang araw ang lumipas na hindi dumadaan sa isip ko
kung ano'ng ginagawa nila kapag walang ibang nakakakita.

I wonder what happens when she starts crying. Ipinapatong niya rin ba ang kamay
niya sa ulo nito para patahanin? Sinasabi niya rin bang handa siyang samahan siyang
umiyak? Na lagi siyang makikinig? And what about if she stays up all night? Is he
going to make her a cup of tea? O baka mas espesyal. Baka hindi rin siya matutulog.

My phone beeped, cutting off my thoughts.

From: Mr. Mendoza

What about Leon and Zoey's grades? What's your class standing?

I exhaled. Nakakapagod na.

To: Mr. Mendoza

Mas mataas po ako kay Zoey. Kay Leon, hindi ko alam. Hindi ko naman po nakita.

I felt bad for them. I was having the wrong thoughts. Kapag kasi nakikita kong mas
mababa ang score nila sa akin ay sumasaya ako. Kapag naman natataasan nila ako ay
sumasama ang loob ko. It didn't feel right, yet that's how I felt.

From: Mr. Mendoza

Check the list on the online portal then. Naglalabas naman sila ng Dean's lister,
'di ba? I'll wait for your call tonight.

Pinilit kong tumayo dahil alam kong wala naman akong magagawa. Sinabi ko na ngang
wala akong load, eh.

"Mill," tawag ko sa kaibigan na nasa sala at nanonood ng TV.

"Oh?"

Umupo ako sa tabi niya. "Pa-hotspot. Titingnan ko lang 'yong mga Dean's lister sa
portal."
Walang imik niyang binuksan ang hotspot niya. She then accessed her Facebook app,
and my brows furrowed as she was directed to Psyche's profile.

"Kilala mo?" tanong ko.

Tumango siya. "Anak ng congressman ng 1st district."

Nagkunwari akong walang pakialam. I signed into the portal so that I could check
the list.

"Ano'ng meron?" I asked.

"Gagawan namin ng biography ang tatay niya," sagot niya.

I gave her a nod, ending the conversation. Akala ko naman ay si Psyche mismo ang
gagawan.

"Kaklase mo ang boyfriend nito, 'di ba?" maya-maya'y tanong niya.

Muli akong tumango.

"Ka-close mo?"

I tightened my grip on my cellphone. "Hindi."

She sighed. "Hay nako! Ba't ba ako nag-journ?"

Hindi ko na siya pinansin nang mag-load ang page. I muttered a curse when I saw
Leon's average. It was 1.07. Mas mataas na siya sa 'kin. I only came in second this
sem. He replaced me in my rank.

"Okay na. Salamat," mahinang sabi ko kay Mill bago tumayo.

Despite the fact that I was afraid of my father, with a trembling voice, I still
let him know that Leon had obtained the highest rank for the semester. Kinailangan
ko pang lumabas ng apartment para wala sa mga kaibigan ko ang makarinig ng pag-
uusap namin.

"Nagiging pabaya ka na yata?" Rinig na rinig ko ang pagpipigil niya ng inis.

"Pangalawa naman po ako," bulong ko.

"Amari, the only thing that really matters is the top rank! Ano bang hindi mo
maintindihan do'n?"

I'm really getting tired of this. Pagod ako sa trabaho. Pagod ako sa pag-aaral.
Pagod ako sa mga nakikita ko. When will this ever end?

"Gagalingan ko pa po . . ."

"Ano'ng napag-usapan natin, ha?! Kapag nawala ka sa top, babawiin ko ang apartment
sa inyo!"

Doon ako bahagyang natakot. Ngayon ko lang nakikitang nakakapagpahinga ang mga
kaibigan ko. Kapag lumipat kami, doble-kayod na naman kami sa trabaho.

"Wag naman po muna," mahinang sabi ko. "Hindi po namin kakayaning maghanap ng
malapit na dorm. Mapapamahal po kami."
"Edi galingan mo!" he shouted. "Goodness, Amari! Akala ko pa naman ay matalino ka!"

Maybe I was so drained that none of his words hurt me anymore. "Pagbigyan n'yo pa
po ako ng isang sem. Tatalunin ko po si Leon."

He ended the call after that. It was good enough for me. I waited for weeks, and
thankfully, the apartment wasn't taken away from us.

Noong una ay hindi malaking bagay sa akin ang pagiging second placer ko, pero nang
mapagtantong handa talagang kunin ng tatay ko sa amin ang apartment ay pilit kong
ipinaalala sa sarili na hindi na ako basta-basta lang dapat mag-aral.

My goal now is to beat Leon because he's the only one who can threaten my rank.

"In terms of scientific rigor, objectivity, convenience, and focus, quantitative

research is better than qualitative research. This is because quantitative research
can collect more data in a shorter amount of time," Leon said in our Field Methods
class.

I shook my head and said, "Qualitative research, I think, is better, ma'am."

"Yes, Mari?" tanong ni Ms. Lubrica. "Why?"

Tumayo ako. "If we are going to assess a person's behavior, we need a detailed
overview that can put a face to our findings and give them context," paliwanag ko.
"Yes, mas madaling gawin ang quantitative kasi mag-ba-base lang tayo sa numbers.
Quantitative, quantity." I shrugged. "Totoong mas objective 'to dahil 'yong
magiging resulta ng study ay lalabas na representation ng general population,
though it's not always the case, unlike sa qualitative na specific talaga."

"Good point," sabi ni Ma'am. "Continue."

"For example, gagawa tayo ng pag-aaral tungkol sa relationship ng hours of sleep at

score sa exam. Puwede nating masabi na kapag mahaba ang tulog ng isang estudyante,
mas mataas ang magiging score niya. That's how quantitative research works." I took
a deep breath and shifted my weight. "However, marami tayong magiging extraneous
variables. Dahil concluded ng study natin na kapag natulog nang matagal, tataas ang
score, we'll turn a blind eye sa ibang factors na puwedeng nakaapekto sa score."

"Gaya ng?" untag ni Ma'am.

"Gaya po ng motivation. What if kaya pala mababa 'yong score ng estudyante ay dahil
hindi siya motivated? May nangyari sa bahay nila or tinamad siyang mag-review?
Another one is his or her IQ. What if ito lang talaga ang intellectual capacity ng
participant natin? Kahit nag-review, 'yon lang 'yong nakayanan niya?" I noticed
that Leon was adjusting his glasses as he watched me disprove his claim. "If we use
qualitative research, totoong mas mahabang proseso, but it has better quality.
Qualitative nga, 'di ba?" I grinned. "Hindi natin ma-o-overlook ang extraneous
variables dahil in-depth study ang gagawin natin."

Ms. Lubrica smiled at me before focusing her attention on Leon. "Leon, may
idadagdag ka?"

Tumango siya at muling tumingin sa akin. I didn't bother to look away. He couldn't
intimidate me now.

Alam kong sanay na sanay na ang mga kaklase ko sa amin dahil wala na silang
reaksyon habang pinapanood kami. Of course, who wouldn't? They were witnessing this
on a daily basis.
"Magkakaroon ng problema kapag qualitative research ang ginamit natin dahil wala
tayong magiging statistical representation. It will only give us research
information from one point of view. It's subjective. If we're going to do this,
we'll need to conduct in-depth interviews with all of our participants. Iisa-isahin
nating alamin 'yong rason, from Ms. Mendoza's example, kung ano 'yong nakaapekto sa
score nila sa exam," he defended.

"Then we should," I uttered confidently. "Kaysa naman wala tayong access sa exact
and specific feedback."

Leon tilted his head. "We have the option of including even more variables in the
study. We will determine their IQ by conducting an IQ test, at bibigyan natin sila
ng point system on which they can indicate how high or low their level of
motivation is . . . kung sa sample topic mo tayo magba-base."

"IQ and motivation are just examples. Mas marami pang variables d'yan."

His brow arched. "Like?"

Like being in a relationship! Puwedeng makaapekto ang pagiging brokenhearted sa

resulta ng exam!

I chuckled sarcastically. "How will I know? That's what we'll find out if we
conduct a qualitative study."

The clap from Ms. Lubrica drew our attention to her. She was smiling and leaning
against the teacher's table, looking at us with evident amusement in her eyes.

"I so love this class. Mukhang hindi ko na talaga kailangang gumawa ng lesson plan
at magturo."

Nagtawanan ang mga kaklase ko. Nagbuntong-hininga ako bago naupo. Last subject na
namin pero ang dami ko pa ring energy maliin lahat ng sinasabi ni Leon. I wonder if
he's starting to notice it. Inaraw-araw ko kasi siya.

Ms. Lubrica summarized almost everything we said before dismissing the class. Tawa
nang tawa si Meg dahil habang nagtatalo raw kami ni Leon ay mahimbing ang tulog
niya sa likod.

"Hello, BS Psychology 2-A!" sigaw ni Maricar na mukhang hinintay munang makaalis si

Ma'am bago pumasok sa room namin. "Alam kong hindi ko na kayo kaklase pero ang
hindi pumunta mamaya sa bahay, babagsak this sem!"

"Inuman ba 'yan? Kung inuman 'yan, hindi ako interesado," sabi ni Shaira, dahilan
para magtawanan ang mga kaklase ko. Alam naman ng lahat kung gaano siya kalakas
mag-inom.

"Oo, gaga. Nirentahan ko 'yong club malapit sa 'min," Maricar replied, slightly
chuckling. "Bawal din ang may regalo! Enjoy enjoy lang tayo dahil birthday ko!"

I had no intention of going because I wanted to stay in bed and sleep. For the past
few weeks, I've been getting a total of no more than four hours of sleep each
night. Isa pa, sigurado akong pupunta si Leon . . . and I didn't want to end my day
seeing him.

"Leon, ha!" sabi pa ni Maricar, nasa hamba na ng pintuan.

"You know I can't."

Oh, hindi pala.

Umirap ang babae. "Take a break, jusko! Sabihin mo sa kliyente mo na may gagawin
ka."

I shrugged it off. Inayos ko ang gamit ko at hindi na lang sila pinansin. While
preparing to leave, I felt Zoey's elbow on my side.

"Bakit?" I asked without looking at her.

"Tara?"

Umiling ako. "Gusto kong matulog."

"Please? Sabado naman bukas."

"May trabaho ako."

She heaved a sigh. "Sige . . . hindi na lang din ako sasama."

Inis kong ibinaba ang hawak na pencil case para samaan siya ng tingin. "Kasama
naman sina Shaira, ah? Arte nito."

"Eh, hindi naman ako papayagan ni Mama kapag nalamang hindi kita kasama,"
nakangusong sabi niya. "At least, kapag ikaw, puwede kong sabihing may group study
tayo."

Hinampas ko ang balikat niya. "Gagawin mo pa 'kong sinungaling. Bahala ka. Hindi
ako sasama. Pumirmi ka na lang din sa inyo kung gusto mo."

"Mas gusto kong mag-inom." She scoffed. "Boring mo naman."

I was just about to laugh at her when I heard Maricar.

"Mari, sumama ka, ha?! Hihintayin kita mamaya."

Smiling, I stood up and carried my bag. "Happy birthday na lang."

She pouted. "Bilis na!"

Umiling lang ako. God, bakit n'yo ba 'ko pinipilit? Nasa akin ba ang spaghetti at
shanghai? Hindi ba matutuloy ang celebration kapag hindi ako pumunta?

"May ipapakilala kasi ako sa 'yo," dagdag niya.

As if a collective conditioned response, my classmates who heard that started

teasing me. They were mentioning Paolo, the smart guy from BS Psychology 2-B who
almost got into the summer convention. Hindi ko alam kung saan galing ang panunukso
nilang 'yon pero sigurado akong si Zoey ang pasimuno no'n dahil siya lang naman ang
kaibigan ng lalaki sa section namin. Syempre, naging magkaklase sila, eh.

"Mga gago," nangingising sabi ko.

"Basta, Mari, ha!" pamimilit pa ni Maricar. "Matagal ka nang bet no'n."

Napatawa ako nang nagtunog wangwang ang mga kaklase ko. Maingay talaga sila kapag
ganito ang usapan pero ang tatahimik naman kapag klase. At saka bakit ba hindi pa
sila umuuwi?!
"Sasama 'to! Ako ang bahala!" sigaw ni Zoey. "Hindi ako papayag na matatapos ang
araw na single pa 'to!" sabay akbay sa akin.

The loud thud of Leon's thick and heavy book striking the floor made us all stop
talking and laughing for a moment.

Pero maya-maya pa'y bumalik din naman ang ingay. 'Yon nga lang, naiwan akong
nakatingin sa kanya.

He got up from his chair to pick it up, but the noise the chair made along with his
heavy sigh caused him to look annoyed.

I didn't know what had gotten into me, but, while watching him put all of his stuff
into his bag with his brows firmly furrowed, I started to get the idea that perhaps
the reason I couldn't get over him completely was that I didn't allow myself to get
to know other people.

Masyado kong hinayaang mag-focus ako sa kanya. Masyado kong hinayaan ang sarili na
hanapin siya palagi ng mata ko. Kaya minsan, kahit tahimik lang siyang kumakain
kasama si Psyche, hindi ko maiwasang magdamdam. Maybe if I diverted my attention to
other things, I could finally start moving on.

"Anong oras ba?" tanong ko.

Napatili agad si Zoey. Nag-apir pa sina Meg at Shaira na para bang malaking
blessing ang pagtatanong ko noon. Goodness.

"Sasama ka na?!"

Natatawang umirap ako. "Hindi ko tatapusin, ha?"

"Yieeee," tudyo ni Meg sa gilid ko. "Bet niya rin."

I grunted. "Sino?!"

"Si Paolo," saad naman ni Shaira. "Sabagay, 'te, hindi ka na lugi ro'n. Mukhang
aalagaan ka nang tama." She stretched her arm as she walked towards the door.
"Kainis. Mali talaga ang hula ko. Pero, sige. Kay Paolo ka na kung bet ka nga. You
have my support."

I couldn't help but laugh as I followed her. "Ano sa tingin mong pake ko sa support
mo?"

Zoey let out a squeal behind me. Ang ingay. Nahahawa na siya kay Shaira. She used
to be at least sweet.

"Wait, so, kahit walang suporta namin, go ka kay Pao?"

"Depende," I joked.

"Excuse me." Leon's voice attracted my attention. "Don't block the door."

The shivers on my nape hinted to me that he was nearby, perhaps right next to Zoey.
Narinig kong inaway pa ng babae si Leon pero hindi na ako lumingon sa kanila.
Gumilid na lang ako at hinayaan siyang makadaan. His scent rekindled my emotions as
he walked by.

That night, I wore a black mini dress to the party and paired it with open-toe
sandals. Hinayaan ko lang na nakalugay ang mahabang buhok para kahit papaano ay
matakpan ang exposed kong balikat. I brushed my brows, but because they were
already arched and thick, I didn't add any more color to them. I just finished off
my look with my favorite crimson red lipstick and a soft blush.

Kanina pa nakatitig sa akin si Zoey kaya hindi ko maiwasang kunutan siya ng noo.
Tapos na kaming kumain pero hindi pa kami nagsisimulang uminom dahil wala pa ang
ilang kabarkada ni Maricar.

"Problema mo?"

She pouted. "How can you pull off any look? Kaya mong maging mukhang mahinhin, cute
. . . tapos ngayon, kaya mo ring maging sexy."

"Asus! Baka lumapad ang noo!" singit ni Shaira bago inilapag ang isang plato ng
cordon bleu sa mesa. "Gan'yan ang make-up! Tamo, hindi naman kagandahan 'yan."

Sininghalan ko siya. "Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng insecurity, 'no? Gosh, ang sama na
nga ng mundo, naisip mo pang idagdag 'yang ugali mo."

"Kumalma ka naman sa rebut, 'te. Wala naman tayo sa room, shuta ka." Tumingin siya
sa entrance ng club at kinawayan ang kararating lang na si Meg. "Tagal naman ng
boys. Balak ko pa namang landiin si Thaddeus tonight," sabay salampak sa couch.

Umiling na lang ako. Thaddeus is one of Leon's close friends. 'Yong nagtanong dati
kung ako ba si Mendoza.

"Alam mo, hanggang ngayon, nanghihinayang ako sa inyo ni Leon," Shaira muttered. "I
mean, I have nothing against his relationship with Psyche. Naiisip ko lang na bagay
sana kayo."

Like a reflex, I laughed. "Kadiri talaga.'Wag na nating pag-usapan at may

girlfriend 'yong tao."

Sumandal din si Zoey sa couch. "Ramdam kita, Shai. No'ng nasa Davao kami, pansin ko
talagang may gusto sa kanya si Leon. Iba 'yong trato, eh. Tanga na lang ang hindi
makakapansin."

Hindi ako nagsalita. Wala pang alak pero mukhang balak na agad nilang pasamain ang
loob ko.

"Bakit ba kasi hindi mo bet?" malungkot na tanong ni Shaira.

Good thing I really kept it all to myself. At least I saved my pride. Hindi ko
masisikmurang sabihin sa lahat na umasa ako sa ipinakita ni Leon tapos sinabi niya
sa akin na hindi niya naman ako gusto. That would make me look like a fool.

"Wala lang. Hindi ko lang type," sagot ko.

Hindi na sila nakasagot dahil dumating na ang iba pang bisitang hinihintay. Most
were from 2B. Hindi naman lalampas sa sampu ang mga pumuntang kaklase namin.

"Ang sabi ko, 7! Ayos ang alas otso n'yo, ah?!" reklamo ni Maricar habang inaayos
namin ang mesa kung saan kami mag-iinom.

The club was neither big nor fancy. It was just a simple place with good lighting,
a small bar counter, a few plain tables, and black monoblocs. Kumbaga, parang
inuman lang talaga siya. Hindi pa fully-developed para sa mga gustong mag-all-in
party.
"Si Paolo kasi ang tagal nag-ayos!" sabi ng isang lalaki sabay tapon ng tingin sa
akin. "Hello po, kaklase ko pala." Itinuro niya si Paolo. "Top 1 sa room namin.
Rank 4 sa batch."

Kita ko ang pamumula ng mukha ni Paolo nang tuksuhin siya ng mga kaklase. Sumama pa
sa tuksuhan sina Shaira, Meg, at Zoey.

"Sorry," Paolo mouthed to me.

I just nodded and smiled. This must be awkward for him.

May dalawang tower ng alak sa magkabilang dulo ng mahabang mesa. Kung eestemahin ay
nasa dalawampu kami. Walang nasa couch dahil sinabi ni Maricar na bawal daw
magsolo. Sa tapat ko nakaupo si Paolo at pakiramdam ko ay sinadya nila 'yon. Sa
magkabilang gilid ko naman ay sina Zoey at Shaira. Si Meg ay nasa bar counter dahil
siya ang nagtimpla ng alak. Part-time barista kasi siya.

Thirty minutes into drinking, Maricar's friends arrived. Agad na umayos ng upo si
Shaira dahil grupohan ito nina Thaddeus. They were all familiar to me, but I didn't
know their names.

"It's my time to shine," Shaira whispered.

Bumati kami sa mga bagong dating. Lima sila kaya nagdagdag pa kami ng mesa at mga
upuan. When everyone had settled down, I heard Maricar ranting at them. Napatawa
tuloy ako dahil parang stressed na stressed siya sa mga bisita.

"Susunod daw si Leon."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Ang sabi niya ay hindi siya pupunta! Kaya nga ako sumama,
eh! Ayokong matapos ang araw ko na siya na naman ang iniisip ko!

"Pinayagan ni Psyche?"

My full attention was on them. Bukod kasi sa malapit lang sila sa amin, hindi ako
mapakali sa naririnig ko.

"Para namang magpapa-under 'yon do'n," Thaddeus said, slightly chuckling.

"Hindi ba seryoso?"

I watched them in secret and saw Thaddeus shrug. "Ewan. Alam mo naman 'yon. Laging
may rason."

Binatukan siya ni Maricar. "Seryoso si Leon do'n! Tatagal ba sila kung hindi?!"

The guy scratched the back of his head. "Wala naman akong sinabing hindi, ah? Hindi
lang niya talaga naikukwento. Mas madalas niya pang mabanggit dati si ano . . ." My
eyes widened when he suddenly shifted his gaze to me. Mukha ring nagulat siya na
nakatingin ako. "Ah, basta! Hayaan na!"

"Kita ko 'yon," bulong ni Shaira sa 'kin. "Na-mine ko na 'yan, ha?"

I glared at her. "Mukha bang type ko?"

The night deepened, and after a few more drinks, I started to feel a little tipsy.
Maingay ang paligid. Kahit nasa iisang mesa kami, may kanya-kanya pa ring grupohan.
Parang nakaka-out of place tuloy. Maya't maya rin ang tingin ko sa entrance ng club
pero mukhang hindi naman na darating 'yong . . . sinasabi nila.

Paolo would sometimes talk to me, but I ended up finding him boring. There must be
something wrong with me. Maitsura naman siya at matalino. Mabait din sabi ni Zoey.
Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko lang talaga . . . tipo.

"Magpapahangin muna ako sa labas," sabi ko sa mga kanila bago tumayo.

"Samahan na kita?" tanong ni Paolo.

Kitang-kita ko ang pagsisikuhan ng mga kaklase niya. Napaisip ako. Kapag ba

pinayagan ko siyang samahan ako, iisipin niyang interesado ako sa kanya? Should I
lead him on? O baka naman assuming lang ulit ako? Baka naman inaasar lang kami
tapos mamaya, hindi naman pala totoong type niya 'ko?

He seemed to have noticed my hesitation. Napakamot siya sa batok at nahihiyang

ngumiti.

That made me feel a little guilty. "Uhm . . . sige."

"Sigurado ka? Okay lang naman. Medyo delikado lang mag-isa sa labas kasi gabi na."

I smiled awkwardly. "Tara?"

Hindi ko pinansin ang panunukso ng mga kaklase nang lumabas kami ni Paolo. They
were drunk, so their teasing was a little out of line. Bago pa kami tuluyang
makalabas ay nakita kong lumipat sa puwesto ko si Thaddeus, mukhang
makikipagkwentuhan kay Shaira. Si Zoey naman ay nakasubsob na sa mesa.

"Sorry sa asaran, ha?" sabi ni Paolo.

May mga poste ng ilaw kaya hindi naman sobrang dilim kahit na nasa looban ang club.
Sa pinakakanto nito ay may convenience store, sakto para sa mga gustong magpahulas.
May eskenita din sa gilid at papasok naman doon ang bahay nina Maricar.

"Ayos lang," maikling sagot ko.

Binalot kami ng katahimikan. It was an uncomfortable kind of silence. Hindi naman

kasi kami magkakilala. Bukod sa alam kong isa siya sa finalists ng quiz bee, wala
na akong maalalang napansin ko siya.

"Uhm . . . teacher n'yo pa rin si Ms. Lubrica, 'di ba?"

See? Ni wala kaming ibang puwedeng pag-usapan.

Tumango ako. "She's my fav."

"Naikukwento ka nga sa section namin. Kayo no'ng Leon."

Lumingon ako sa kanya. "Ano'ng sinasabi?"

He smiled. "Magaling daw kayo parehas . . . saka masipag."

"Ahh . . ." I smiled back at him before lowering my gaze to my feet. "Magaling
talaga si Leon."

"Magaling ka rin naman."

Hindi na ako sumagot kaya muli kaming nanahimik. Mula no'ng natapos ang convention
ay napalapit ako kay Ma'am. She would sometimes invite me and Zoey to eat lunch
with her. Minsan naman, kapag may estudyanteng nagbibigay sa kanya ng pagkain,
ipinatatawag niya pa ako para ibigay ang iba sa akin. Mabuti nga at wala akong
toxic na kaklase. Hindi nila naiisip na sumisipsip ako kay Ma'am.

"Ano . . . bibili ako ng kape sa 7/11 sa kanto. Gusto mong sumama?" tanong ni
Paolo.

Umiling ako. I couldn't bear to feel this awkwardness with him any longer.

"Pumasok ka na lang kapag hindi ka na komportable. Bibilisan ko lang."

Isang beses akong tumango bago siya tumalikod sa akin. I sat on the pavement and
let out a sigh of relief as he walked away from me.

Hay. Gusto ko nang umuwi. Sabi na nga ba, eh. Mas maganda talagang natulog na lang
ako. Wala naman akong mapapala rito.

"That must be Paolo."

Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko nang marinig ang boses ni Leon mula sa kung saan. I
turned around and saw him walking out of the alley. What surprised me even more was
that he was holding a cigarette, a very familiar scenario to me.

Inis akong tumayo at pinagpag ang dress ko, parang biglang nawala ang kaunting
hilo.

"Stop your habit of eavesdropping. Hindi magandang tingnan," iritableng saad ko.

He was dressed in casual clothes. Mukhang katatapos niya lang din magtrabaho. Dala
niya pa kasi 'yong bag niya. Kung kanina pa pala siya nand'yan, bakit hindi na lang
siya pumasok sa loob? Hindi 'yong makikinig siya sa usapan ng iba.

"I didn't mean to," he whispered before he tossed some cigarette ashes into the
trash bin.

I clenched my teeth and tried to keep my composure. I hate that he is the only
person who can make my heart beat so fast.

"The next time this happens, I hope you stay hidden. You don't have to show up just
to prove that you were there," sabi ko.

This is the first time we have talked since the summer convention, and I sure hope
that this will be the last time we do so. Kung wala naman kami sa room, mabuti pang
iwasan na lang namin ang isa't isa.

"Galit ka pa rin sa 'kin?" he asked slowly.

I tightened my grip on my dress and stared intently at him. No, Mari, he didn't say
it softly. Your ears just have filters when it comes to him.

Nothing about his appearance had changed. Only that this time, I knew that no
matter how much I adored him, someone already owned his heart.

"Pa rin?" I chuckled. "When did I get mad?"

He kept staring at me with the same gentle look he used to have for me. But then, I
was sure as hell he also stared at his girlfriend that way.
"Ahh . . . 'yong sa Davao ba?" I asked, trying my best not to sound pathetic. "Wala
na 'yon! Maybe you're right. I won because I did my best."

Something flashed across his eyes, and it was so sorrowful that it made my heart
swell up. If he hadn't gotten a girlfriend, I would have thought he longed for me.
Or if he hadn't said he didn't like me, I would have thought he missed me.

But then, alam kong sa mga mata ko lang naman gano'n. Kumbaga sa research, it was
qualitative. Base lang sa sarili kong pananaw.

"Pumasok ka na sa loob, Kanina ka pa nila hinihintay." That . . . I doubt. Parang

ako lang naman ang naghintay.

"Do you plan . . ." He hesitated.

"Hmm?" I hummed, making myself as casual as possible.

He breathed deeply. "To entertain him?"

My chest began to clamp, but I pushed the feeling out of my head. "Si Paolo?"

Hindi siya sumagot. Nanatili lang ang tingin niya sa akin.

"Baka," I said with confidence, even though I knew I was just trying to protect my
ego. "Ang tagal ko na ring single, eh. I miss going on dates." Tumawa pa ako. "Kaya
kung may date ideas ka d'yan, just tell me."

He adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose before slowly shaking his head.

I shrugged. "Okay." Pasimple akong sumilip sa kanto kung saan pumunta si Paolo.
"D'yan ka na. Susundan ko na muna."

I didn't dare wait for his response. Just like what I did in Davao, I was the first
one to turn away.

You act quite well, Amari.

Chapter 8 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 8

Bago pa ako makarating sa kanto ay nakasalubong ko na si Paolo. May bitbit siyang

dalawang paper cups ng city blends coffee at nahalata ko sa mukha niya ang gulat
nang makita ako.

"Bakit . . ." he trailed off, his eyes squinting. "May bibilhin ka?"

I took a few deep breaths to get my heartbeat back its normal pace. Inayos ko ang
buhok ko na dumikit sa nagbubutil kong pawis sa noo bago pilit na tumawa.

"Naiinitan kasi ako. Magpapalamig muna sana ako," pagdadahilan ko.

He smiled. "Okay, samahan na kita."

Marahan akong tumango. Iniabot niya sa akin ang isang paper cup at nagpasalamat
naman ako sa kanya. Sinabayan niya ako sa paglalakad at nang marating namin ang
convenience store ay bumili na rin ako ng candies at naupo sa isa sa benches. Kung
tutuusin, puwedeng magpasundo na ako kay Mill para umuwi. Kaya lang, nakakahiya
naman kay Maricar kung aalis ako nang walang paalam. Isa pa, nasa club pa rin ang
gamit ko.

"Sorry sa awkwardness, ha?" kuha ni Paolo sa atensyon ko.

He was sitting next to me, but our bodies were facing in different directions; I
was looking out the window, while he was oriented toward the store. Hindi ko
nakikita ang ekspresyon niya dahil magkatalikuran kami.

"Ayos lang. Hindi naman tayo personal na magkakilala." The warmth of the coffee
slowly soothed my heart. "It's normal."

I heard him exhale. "It's my fault. Kaya . . . inaasar tayo."

Tumango ako bago sumimsim sa kape ko, bahagyang natatakot sa patutunguhan ng

usapan.

The candies were all over the table, and the soft music in the store got me
wondering if I could spend more time with him here. I didn't want to mislead him in
any way. Baka kapag nagtagal kami rito ay isipin niyang gusto ko siyang masolo.
Kaso, kapag naman bumalik kami agad sa club, haharapin ko naman si Leon.

"'Yong sinasabi nilang may gusto ako sa 'yo . . ."

Napapikit ako sa narinig. No, please. We just had our first encounter a few hours
ago. Don't go there.

"I know," I said before he could utter another word. "I mean, come on! We don't
know each other at all. There's no chance in hell that you will like me."

Natahimik siya sandali bago dahan-dahang pumihit paharap sa akin. I could feel him
doing that, but I didn't turn around to look at him.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

I sat there and watched as the vehicles went by, and as the night progressed, I
became more and more convinced that I shouldn't even begin to entertain the idea of
becoming involved with other people just yet because I was sure that I was still
emotionally invested in someone.

Ano bang iniisip ko at pumasok sa utak kong mag-entertain ng iba? Am I that

desperate to get rid of my feelings for Leon?

"Wala naman . . ." nasabi ko na lang.

"Bakit?" mahinang tanong niya. "Bawal ka bang magustuhan?"

I breathed deeply. I don't like having serious conversations while I'm under the
influence of alcohol. Baka kasi may masabi akong hindi maganda. Hindi pa nakatulong
na ginulo na naman ni Leon ang utak ko.

His expression bothered me. I hate how jealous he looked when he asked me if I
would entertain Paolo. It was as though he was convincing me not to. Alam kong
imposible namang magselos siya dahil harap-harapan niya nang sinabing hindi niya
ako gusto. Hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan kung bakit ganoon ang nababasa ko sa
mga kilos niya.

"Gusto ko lang munang mag-aral ngayon," sagot ko. "Relationships might hinder me
from achieving more."

Sumandal siya sa mesa. "Puwede rin namang maging inspirasyon 'yon kapag na-manage
nang tama, Amari."

"Manage?" I laughed. "I don't trust myself in that aspect."

"Can you . . . explain?"

Umiling lang ako dahil masyadong hahaba ang usapan.

I mean, how could I be in a relationship if I couldn't even handle my own emotions?

Sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, ramdam ko ang pagbabago sa ugali at pananaw ko. I

could feel myself getting worse because of too much pressure being placed on my
back.

Noon ay ayos lang sa akin ang malamangan, pero ngayon, naiinis ako kapag may mas
magaling kaysa sa akin. Noon ay ayos lang sa akin kapag nagkakamali ako, pero
ngayon, halos parusahan ko ang sarili dahil hindi ko kayang maging perpekto.

Noon ayos lang sa akin kapag hindi ako gusto ng isang tao, pero ngayon, madalas ko
nang silipin ang mga pagkukulang ko.

I am toxic. My thoughts are. I'm a pessimist trying to act like an optimist, which
makes me a hypocrite even in my own body.

"Relationships could either serve as an inspiration or destruction, Mari. I didn't

think you were the type of person to see it as the latter," Paolo said.

Sasagutin ko na sana siya nang makita ko sina Shaira, Thaddeus, at Leon na

naglalakad palapit sa store. I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn't seeing
things. Bitbit ni Shaira ang bag ko at nakanguso siya sa akin na para bang malaki
ang atraso ko sa kanya.

"Sabi sa inyo kasama niya si Paolo, eh!" reklamo nito nang tuluyang makapasok sa
store.

Napatayo si Paolo nang makita ang tatlo. Thaddeus was standing next to Shaira with
a smug grin on his face, and Leon, as usual, didn't show any emotions at all.

"Hindi naman ako ang nagpumilit na sumunod, ah?" natatawang sabi ni Thaddeus.

"Bakit?" takang tanong ni Paolo.

Tumayo na rin ako at kinuha ang mga candy sa mesa. I opened one and popped it in my
mouth to take my mind off of things.

Just now, out of nowhere, I realized that what Leon did might have been good for
both of us.

Kung sinabi niyang gusto niya ako at alam ko sa sarili kong gusto ko rin siya . . .
saan kami pupulutin? I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I had a lot of
shortcomings, and my partner didn't deserve to be the collateral damage of my
toxicity.

Hindi ko dapat minamadali ang lahat. Hindi dapat ako pinapangunahan ng emosyon ko.

Mind over matter, Amari. Mind over matter.

I fixed myself and put on my favorite façade — a smile. My gaze was drawn instantly
to Leon, and the mere sight of him was enough to get my heart racing all over
again.

"Ang sabi kasi nitong si Leon ay mag-isa raw pumunta si Mari dito!" Shaira pouted
before facing Leon. "Tingnan mo! Naabala pa natin ang date nila."

Malakas ang pagtawang ginawa ni Thaddeus, which I found weird. Pabirong umirap ako
at naglakad palapit sa kanila.

"Para namang mamamatay ako kung sakali ngang mag-isa ako," saad ko sabay kuha sa
bag ko. "At please, magkasama lang kami. Hindi magka-date."

"Ganon na rin 'yon!"

I grunted. "Whatever, Shaira."

"Kainis si Leon, eh! Ang sarap sarap pa ng inom ko," she complained.

To get everything I was feeling about Leon out of my head, I glared at him, well
aware that he was going to spoil my night. Sinabi ko sa kanyang kasama ko si Paolo!
Ano'ng trip niya at sumama pa siya rito? Hindi ba siya nauumay sa mukha ko?!

"Pasensya na sa abala. Natagalan ba kami masyado?" nahihiyang tanong ni Paolo.

"Nagpapahulas na rin kasi ako. Saka . . . medyo nagkukuwentuhan kami ni Mari."

"Nako, hindi! May pagka-OA lang talaga 'tong kaibigan ko minsan," singit ni
Thaddeus bago umakbay kay Leon.

The latter yanked his friend's arm away from his shoulder, irritated. "Stop blaming
me. You're both so wasted that you're imagining things."

Muling tumawa si Thaddeus. Ngayong magkatabi sila ay napansin kong halos

magkasingtangkad lang sila. Mas maputi lang talaga siya nang kaunti kay Leon. His
aura was also different. He radiated an air of humor, making him appear to be the
opposite of the beast in glasses.

"Bakit, p're? Ano bang nangyari?" he asked, his smile widening.

Leon poked his tongue into the inside of his cheeks as he looked down at my neck.
Kumunot ang noo niya bago iritableng tinapunan ng tingin si Paolo.

"Maricar told me to buy more alcohol, and you came with me," he answered, almost
gritting his teeth.

I grimaced. That makes a lot more sense. Oo nga naman. Bakit ko ba iniisip na kaya
siya sumunod ay dahil totoong nag-aalala siya? Tanga rin talaga ako minsan.

Nakuha ni Shaira ang atensyon ko nang ikinaway niya ang dalawang kamay. "Hindi
kaya! Ang sabi mo ay mag-isang umalis si Mari kaya pinilit mong isama si Thaddeus
para sundan siya!"

"Why would I do that?" tanong niya sa babae.

"Malay ko sa 'yo!"

Nagkatinginan kami ni Paolo. These people were fighting over the pettiest things.
Mas posible naman talaga ang sinabi ni Leon dahil alam naman niyang may kasama ako.
Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang ipinipilit ni Shaira. Hindi na ako magugulat kung
bukas ay aasarin niya na naman ako sa lalaki at sasabihing tama siya.

I heaved a deep sigh. "Sige na. I'll text my friend to come get me. Gawin n'yo na
ang kailangan n'yong gawin." I then turned my head to look at Leon who was already
watching me. "Bilhin mo na 'yong pinapabili ni Maricar."

Napakurap siya sa biglang pagtatama ng mga mata namin bago dahan-dahang umiling.
"Hindi ka na babalik do'n?"

"Hindi na. Ipagpaalam n'yo na lang ako." I refocused my attention on Paolo and gave
him a friendly pat on the back. "Salamat sa coffee."

Napangiti siya. "Wala 'yon. Salamat sa pakikipagkuwentuhan."

"Mendoza, I'm talking to you."

Agad na napawi ang ngiti ko nang marinig ang pag-iinarte ni Leon. Pairap akong
tumingin sa kanya bago pinagkrus ang braso sa dibdib ko.

"Sinabi ko na, ah? Ipagpaalam n'yo na nga lang ako. Epal mo."

His stern expression toned down a little as he spun around and walked into the
liquor section of the store. Napailing na lang ako sa asal niya. I really don't
understand why I like him. Hindi naman maganda ang ugali niya.

"Hindi ka na talaga sasama sa 'min?" tanong ni Shaira.

"I want to sleep. Maaga pa ang trabaho ko bukas."

"Leon, paano? Dito ka na rin ba?" may kalakasang tanong ni Thaddeus sa kaibigan.

Hindi ko na sila pinansin. I just told Shaira to make sure that Zoey got home
safely. Si Paolo naman, dahil walang ka-close sa mga bagong dating ay tahimik lang
na nakatayo sa tabi ko. We waited until Leon got to the counter to pay for the
liquor.

"Paolo, sumama ka na rin sa 'min pabalik," biglang sabi ni Thaddeus.

"Huh? Hindi na," sagot naman ni Paolo. "Hihintayin kong dumating 'yong hinihintay
ni Mari."

Isang beses na lumingon si Thaddeus kay Leon bago muling hinarap si Paolo. He was
acting in a really strange way. Para bang may binabalak siyang masama.

"Hinahanap ka ng mga . . . kaibigan mo." Tumango-tango pa ito. "Kanina pa."

"Really?" takang tanong ni Shaira na nginitian lang niya.

Paolo sighed exasperatedly. "Bakit daw?"

He just kind of shrugged. "Baka kailangan ka. I'm not sure."

Huminga ako nang malalim bago tumingin kay Paolo. "Sumama ka na pabalik. Don't mind
me."

He hesitated a bit. "Hindi safe, eh."

That made me chuckle. "Ang liwa-liwanag dito. At saka, malapit lang 'yong apartment
namin. My friend will get here in no time."

He shifted his weight. "I'm sure my friends won't mind if I don't show up right
away."

"Hindi na. I've been taking too much of your time, and I will do just fine, Paolo,"
I said while shaking my head. "Salamat sa concern."

"Sigurado ka ba?" he asked, still unsure.

"Yes. A hundred percent certain."

Lumapit sa amin si Leon bitbit ang plastic bag ng alak. He looked annoyed again.
Magkasalubong ang makapal na mga kilay at mahigpit ang pagkakahawak sa plastic.

Paolo sighed. "Message me once you get home."

"Huh?" Text text na ba kami agad?!

"I . . . added you on Facebook. Kung gusto mo lang mag-chat."

"Ah!" I chuckled awkwardly. "Sure!"

Wala naman na silang ibang sinabi. Nagpaalam lang ako kay Shaira, at nang tuluyan
silang makaalis ay nakahinga ako nang maluwag. I hope Leon stop making me feel
things. Nakakainis na. It should have been a short-lived crush, but the way it went
on for too long was already wrong.

Dahil wala naman akong ibang binili kung hindi candies ay nahiya na akong tumambay
pa sa loob ng store. I could've bought more items, but I didn't want to waste my
money. Maliwanag pa rin naman sa labas at kung tutuusin ay kaya ko nang umuwi kahit
mag-isa ako kaya lang ay sinabi naman ni Mill na susunduin niya ako.

From: Mill

Wait lang. Tapusin ko lang nang mabilis 'tong report ko. Punta agad ako d'yan.

I smiled. If she wasn't here in thirty minutes, I should take a jeepney to go home
by myself.

Naupo ako sa waiting shed kung saan tumitigil ang mga jeep at naghintay na lang ng
oras. I gazed at my feet, swaying them a little, and was brought back to my
thoughts earlier. Kahit pala medyo nasaktan ako sa sinabi ni Leon na hindi niya ako
gusto, alam kong wala rin namang mangyayari kung kabaligtaran ang sinabi niya.

I was still so broken. Nalimutan ko yatang sinabi mismo sa akin ni Jin noon na
nakakapagod ako. I shouldn't want to put myself through all of that crap again. I
shouldn't want to spend time with another person because I might wear them out.

Kung totoong gusto ko si Leon, hindi ba dapat ay maging masaya ako na nakahanap
siya ng babae para sa kanya? Tama si Maricar. Hindi sila magtatagal ni Psyche kung
hindi seryoso ang lalaki rito. He was an introvert, yet he showed everyone how much
he loved her.

That should mean something, right?

Sigurado akong kung ako ang nagustuhan niya, masasaktan ko lang siya. Hindi ko siya
maalagaan. Hindi ko siya maipagmamalaki. I would constantly feel like he was taking
away my spot and that I would never get so close to his skills. Magiging lalong
masakit sa akin kapag nakita kong nalalamangan niya ako.

I closed my eyes and envisioned him with Psyche. Inspiration and destruction . . .
I was sure as hell I'd be the latter for him. Hindi ko siya puwedeng gustuhin
habang iniisip na sana ay bumagsak siya at mas lalong hindi ko puwedeng sabihing
totoo ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya kung lagi kong hinihintay na magkamali
siya.

When I opened my eyes, I felt like I saw things for what they were. There were only
two things I could do: either keep feeding my feelings or keep treating him like a
rival.

"Why on earth did you leave the store?!" the man dominating my mind came out of
nowhere, panting heavily while carrying his backpack.

I didn't know why his appearance didn't surprise me anymore. Napatitig lang ako sa
guwapong mukha niya na kahit na nagbubutil ang pawis sa noo ay parang napakabango
pa ring tingnan . . . the kind I could never have. Nakakapanghinayang kasi minsan
lang ako may magustuhan . . . kaya lang sanay naman akong hindi nakukuha ang gusto
ko kaya ano'ng bago?

"Ba't ka naninigaw?" I asked calmly.

He exhaled loudly and turned his head away in disbelief. "You have no idea how
dangerous the streets can be. What have you been thinking?" He sounded like he was
talking to himself. "Sabi sa store siya maghihintay . . . kaya nga hindi na ako
nagpaiwan," dagdag pa niya.

My heart fluttered. Ang sabi ko ay inilibing ko na ang nararamdaman ko para sa

kanya, pero ang totoo, itinago ko lang 'yon para walang makakita . . . para walang
ibang makaalam.

Now, before it blossoms into something deeper, I should cut its roots and pull it
out of my heart.

"Where's your friend?" mas kalmado nang tanong niya matapos ang mahabang
katahimikan.

I shrugged, calming my heart a little. "Pupunta 'yon kapag kaya niya na."

"Si . . . Mill? 'Yong sinabi mo dati?"

Tumango lang ako. Naramdaman ko ang pag-upo niya sa kabilang dulo ng shed. Kakaunti
lang ang mga sasakyang dumadaan dahil madaling araw na rin. Ten more minutes and
I'd go home by myself. Ayokong mangulit kay Mill. Baka mamaya ay marami pa siyang
ginagawa.

Natahimik kami parehas . . . and I found it ironic how being with him in total
silence made me feel like the whole world belonged to me. It was a genuine feeling,
but sadly, I made the wrong choice of who to share it with.

"I'm sorry for shouting," bulong niya.

I chuckled jokingly. "You lost your cool for a minute."

"Hindi ka pa rin dapat umalis sa store . . ." suway niya.

Lalo akong natawa. Hindi pa pala siya tapos. I let the silence settle in only to
realize that my treatment of him had always been illogical. Para bang sinisisi ko
siya dahil hindi niya ako gusto at lagi akong galit dahil mas magaling siya.

Amari, really . . . what have you been doing?

Things tend to work out the way that they are intended to, and that is the reality
that I shall live in. Hindi kailanman mabubura ng pagtawa at pagkukunwari ang
nararamdaman ko.

If I want to move forward, I need to put it all behind me . . . completely behind

me.

After some more moments of contemplation, I stood up and saw a jeepney heading in
our direction.

Nakatalikod ako sa kanya dahil nakaupo pa rin siya sa dulo ng shed, pero ramdam ko
ang nanunusok na tingin niya. I gave him a glance, and after what seemed like an
eternity, I mustered up the courage to flash him a smile.

I didn't know what was up with this night, but at long last, I could finally feel
my heart slowly accepting the fact that my short chapter in our shared story had
come to an end.

"Congratulations on your new relationship," I said under my breath, my heart

tightening in pain.

I saw him tighten his jaw and ball up his fist . . . para bang may sinabi akong
nakakagalit.

"I know it's late, but I just feel like I have to." I chuckled. "Naging close naman
tayo kahit papaano, 'di ba? Just take this as a congratulations from a . . .
friend." Mabuti na lang talaga at hindi nabasag ang boses ko kahit na ramdam ko ang
pagsikdo ng sakit sa dibdib ko. "Or classmate!" pahabol ko pa.

"Don't say that . . ." he said weakly.

Pabiro akong ngumisi sa kanya. "Ay, bawal ka na ring i-congratulate? Ibang level ka
na pala?"

He shook his head, his eyes blazing with pain. "No, please . . . I don't want you
to say that."

Lumabi ako. "Che! Ang suwerte mo nga, eh! Ang ganda na no'n, ha?" hindi
nagpapapigil na sabi ko pa. "Grabe kayo mag-PDA sa school tapos bawal kayong
purihin? Corny mo naman."

Your eyes are fooling you again, Amari. Imposibleng masaktan siya dahil lang dito.
You don't have that much power over him.

Nagbuntong-hininga ako dahil hindi niya man lang pinatulan ang pangungulit ko. This
was the closure my heart wanted. I need to be genuinely happy for him . . . kahit
ang kapalit noon ay ang tuluyan kong pagkalimot sa napakaunting bagay na itinanim
niya sa akin.

"You're good at taking care of people, Zamora. Don't fail your girlfriend."

I heard him whisper something, but I couldn't make out what it was because I was
already facing the jeepney that was fast approaching.

"And I'm sorry, but I can't congratulate you for being the top psychology student
in our batch," I muttered bravely. "Hold on to it with all your strength, because
I'm coming to get it."

Nang tumigil ang jeep sa tapat ko ay huminga ako nang malalim. "Please, 'wag kang
sumabay, okay? Maghintay ka ng sarili mong jeep kasi sawa na akong makita 'yang
mukha mo."

I was all set to hop aboard the jeep when I suddenly felt his hand on my elbow.
Gulat akong napatingin sa kanya kasabay ng pagdaloy ng kakaibang sensasyon sa ugat
ko dahil sa pagtatama ng mga balat namin. What was I thinking that I didn't realize
he was already behind me?

"Ano . . ." hindi ko matuloy ang pagbulyaw sa kanya dahil para akong nalulunod sa
malamlam na mga mata niya.

"Mas gusto kong galit ka," he said gently.

I tried to pull my lips apart to hold a smile. "H-Huh? Napapaano ka?"

Hinigit niya ako palapit sa kanya at itinakip ang buhok ko sa leeg at dibdib ko.
The simple act was enough to send me to frenzy.

"Just stay mad for a little while, hmm?"

I gasped sharply as my heart ran wild. "Ano ba—"

He shook his head, shutting me off completely. "Keep glaring at me, keep murdering
me in your head, keep wishing the worst for me."

I stiffened when his thumb brushed the right side of my cheek, gazing at me as if
the night sky was reflected in his eyes. "Hold on tightly. I'm coming to get
something, too."

Chapter 9 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 9

Tangina.

So, paano na? Paano na 'ko makakamove-on nito? Paano ko siya tuluyang buburahin sa
utak ko kung kaunting haplos, kaunting lambing, kaunting pungay ng mata, nag-back
to zero na naman ako?!

Eh, kasi naman! Bakit ba siya umaarteng may pakialam siya sa 'kin?! Makahawak siya
sa ulo ko parang hindi niya sinabing wala siyang nararamdaman sa 'kin, ah? Kung
hindi ba naman gago! May girlfriend siyang tao tapos ganoon niya ako tatratuhin?!
Ni hindi niya na inisip kung ano'ng mararamdaman ni Psyche!

"Mahirap talagang magmahal ng syota ng iba. Oh, sakit ng ulo maniwala ka . . ."

Nagsalubong ang kilay ko sa labis na inis. "Manahimik ka nga, Karsen! Wala ako sa
mood marinig ang pagiging sintunado mo!"

She threw me a glare, her pinkish lips protruding. "Ang sungit! Ipinagluto pa naman
kita ng corn soup para mawala 'yang hangover mo!"

I exhaled sharply. "Eh, kanta na lang ni Kobe ang kantahin mo. Hindi 'yang mga
gan'yan."
"Ingay n'yo." Mill walked out of the room looking as if she'd just woken up. "Hindi
ba tayo puwedeng magkaroon ng mapayapang umaga kahit isang araw lang?"

"Si Mari kasi, ang aga-aga, badtrip agad," reklamo ni Karsen.

"Ayun na nga, eh. Ang aga-aga tapos ang taas agad ng energy mo!" segunda ko.

Mill yawned. "Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed."

Mula sa pagkakaupo ay tuluyan akong humiga sa sofa. My head was throbbing, but I
knew it wasn't because of the alcohol I had last night. May kliyente ako ngayong
umaga pero parang wala ako sa wisyong magtrabaho. Ni hindi pa nga ako nakakapaligo
gayong dapat ay naggagayak na ako.

My thoughts were clouded by Leon's words and actions, which made it difficult for
me to focus. I just couldn't stop thinking about him. He said he'd come to get
something, but what was it? At na kanino? Isa pa, he looked at my neck as if he
wanted to devour it. Wala naman siguro siyang lahing bampira, 'di ba?

Jusko, ang gulo-gulo niya! Kung mas gusto niyang galit ako, dapat na ba akong
magdala ng kutsilyo at saksakin siya?! He was wreaking havoc on my train of
thought! Sinabi niyang hindi niya ako gusto! Tapos na dapat doon ang usapan! Bakit
may pagpapanggap pang may concern siya sa 'kin?! Gawin niya dapat 'yon sa
girlfriend niya!

"Argh!" I grunted as I covered my eyes with my lower right arm. "Upcoming finals
dapat ang pinoproblema mo ngayon, Amari Sloane!"

"Bakit, ano bang pinoproblema mo?" tanong ni Mill.

The side of the sofa a little below my feet slumped a little, indicating that she
had sat there.

Umiling ako. "Boses ni Karsen."

"Ate Kat!" agad na sigaw ni Karsen kaya napangisi ako. "Si Amari ampangit na naman
ng ugali!"

"Hija, napakaligalig mo," panunukso pa ni Mill.

My grin widened. I could already imagine Karsen sulking.

Napaigtad ako nang biglang hampasin ni Mill ang hita ko.

Inalis ko ang braso na nakatakip sa mata ko at pinandilatan siya. "What?"

She shook her head as if I had disgusted her. "Kumilos-kilos ka na. Alas otso na,
oh." Itinuro niya ang orasan. "May kliyente ka ng 9:30, ah?"

I scratched my head for a while before getting up reluctantly. I could feel my face
being framed by my loose, untamed curls.

Wala ako sa mood umalis ng bahay dahil gusto kong humilata na lang maghapon at mag-
isip. Kaya lang, hindi naman haciendera at tagapagmana. Hindi ako puwedeng
magpalamon sa katamaran dahil marami akong gastusin. Isa pa, tuwing weekends na nga
lang ako nakakapagtrabaho nang diretso, mag-iinarte pa ba ako?

"Mari," tawag ni Kat sa akin mula sa kusina. "Puwede mo ba akong ibili ng kangkong
at labanos bago ka umuwi? Mag-sisinigang kasi ako mamayang gabi."

"Yown . . ." Karsen whispered excitedly.

I stood up and nodded. "'Yon lang?"

Nag-isip pa siya saglit bago dahan-dahang tumango. I let out a sigh of resignation
and gave the sofa one last look before deciding to go do the things I needed to
accomplish today. I got ready for work and tried my best not to think about what
happened last night. Hindi puwedeng maghapon akong ganito. Maaapektuhan nang sobra
ang trabaho ko.

While I was getting dressed, I received a message from Shaira saying that she
wanted to come with me because she had a lot of things she couldn't wait to tell
me. Um-oo ako dahil mas madali para sa 'kin ang pagtatrabaho nang may kasama lalo
at marami akong dala.

"Lasing na lasing ako kagabi, tangina, nasukahan ko yata si Meg," Shaira told me
while we were walking on our way to the hotel where I would meet my client. "Si
Zoey, hindi ko na naasikaso. Umiiyak pa si gaga kasi gusto niya na raw mag-shift sa
dentistry."

I chuckled as I gazed at her.

Ako ang may dala sa make-up trolley at foldable chair ko habang bitbit naman niya
ang ring light at ang duffle bag kung saan nakalagay ang hair accessories ko. Kung
hindi niya ako sinamahan at tinulungang magbuhat ay siguradong ma-de-delay ang
trabaho ko. Full package kasi ang in-avail ng client.

"Nakauwi naman ba?" tanong ko.

"Oo. Ipinahatid yata ni Maricar sa tatay niya." Natatawang napailing siya. "Langya,
bigla kasing nawala si Leon, eh! Sina Thaddeus at Paolo na lang tuloy ang nag-
asikaso. Grabe nga! Halos lasing kasi talaga lahat!"

Napaiwas ako ng tingin nang mabanggit niya ang pangalan ng kinaiinisan ko simula pa
kagabi. Kung bigla siyang umalis sa club, hindi naman siguro dahil sinundan niya
ako, 'di ba? I mean, sino namang tanga ang aalis sa masayang inuman para lang
sabihin sa 'kin na panatilihin ko ang galit sa kanya?

"Ba't kasi kayo sumagad? Hindi pa tapos ang finals, nag-ce-celebrate agad kayo," I
asked after a few moments of frowning.

"That's the point! Sigurado naman kasi akong hindi celebration ang mangyayari after
ng finals."

Ngumisi na lang ako. Honestly, most of our classmates were quite intuitive and
smart. Itinuring lang nilang biro ang lahat, pero pagdating sa exams at quizzes,
kakaunti lang talaga sa amin ang bumabagsak.

Si Zoey, kahit ngayong vocal na siya na second choice niya lang ang BS Psychology,
ay hindi naman nagpapahuli sa amin ni Leon. She actually held the steady rank of
third place in our batch.

"O, kumusta kayo ni Thaddeus?" maya-maya'y tanong ko.

Doon siya biglang napamura. "Tangina, ito na nga!"

I laughed. "Ano?"
"Super chikahan kami kagabi, 'di ba?" she said, her voice tingling with excitement.
"As in, sa sobrang tagal naming magka-usap, lahat nai-topic na namin. Ang astig pa
kasi wala talagang dry air! Feel na feel ko 'yong chemistry!"

Muli akong napatawa. "Level up na ba?"

"Tanga, wait lang," she uttered, chuckling. "May sinabi kasi siya pero hindi ako
sure kung tama 'yong narinig ko dahil may amats na 'ko."

Napakunot ang noo ko nang bigla siyang tumigil sa paglalakad. Ibinaba niya ang
duffle bag sa semento at hinawakan ang palapulsuhan ko. That tensed me up a little.
I haven't done anything with my wrists for almost half a year now, but I could say
that the touch slightly caught me off guard.

She stared at me, her eyes gleaming with amusement and disbelief. "Tangina, girl.
Madalas ka raw mabanggit ni Leon . . ." dahan-dahang sabi niya.

I used the tip of my index finger to gently pry her hand off of my wrist before
frowning.

"Lasing ka nga," nakasimangot na saad ko.

Desidido siyang umiling. "Seryoso! Kaya nga nagtataka si Thaddeus kasi hindi naman
daw naikukwento ni Leon si Psyche tapos biglang naging mag-jowa! Siya lang ang
nakakaalam sa barkadahan nila pero sigurado raw siyang ikaw ang type no'n."

I gave her a sneering look. She definitely heard it wrong. Alam ko kung ano ang
totoong nararamdaman ni Leon. He said it to me out loud.

Inginuso ko kay Shaira ang duffle bag kaya nakangusong dinampot niya iyon.

"Mas sigurado akong kaya ako nababanggit ni Leon ay dahil naiirita siya sa 'kin,"
sabi ko bago kami nagpatuloy sa paglalakad.

She heaved a sigh. "Hindi naman mag-a-assume si Thaddeus na gusto ka ni Leon kung
gano'n . . ."

I laughed as I brushed off the thought. "So, ano? Pinag-chismisan n'yo lang 'yong
tao?"

She let out a flirty giggle, finally putting the topic to rest. "Oo, tapos medyo
naglandian." Rinig na rinig ko ang kilig sa boses niya. "Nag-chat nga sa 'kin
kanina ng good morning. Ni-replyan ko tuloy ng I love you."

"Bwisit ka," tawa ko.

We continued walking, and as we were about to reach the hotel, she suddenly poked
the left side of my waist. I looked at her in fury, but all she did was smirk as if
she was making fun of me.

"Paano kapag totoong bet ka nga ni Leon?"

"As if papatol ako sa may girlfriend." I grimaced. "At isa pa, wala akong time
makipaglandian. Ang dami-dami kong kailangang unahin."

She raised her chin and beamed with pride. "Good girl. Hindi tayo mababang uri ng
tao."
The rest of the walk to the hotel was her narrating the several kilig moments she
shared with Thaddeus. Pakiramdam niya raw kasi ay darating sa puntong maglalandian
sila nang todo, at baka kapag humiling ito ay maisuko niya pa ang bandera ng
Pilipinas na halos dalawampung taon niyang inalagaan.

I could only laugh at her. Thaddeus was kind of attractive, so it wasn't too
surprising that a pretty girl like Shaira would be interested in him. Medyo hindi
lang siya magandang maging kaibigan kasi baka kapag nalasing siya, masabi niya
lahat ng sikreto mo.

Pagkarating namin hotel ay dumiretso na kami sa elevator.

The client's mother was the one who reached out to me because she wanted to
surprise her daughter with a makeover. May lunch date daw kasi ang anak niya kasama
ang fiancé nito.

She didn't tell me her name or the name of her daughter, but she did provide me
with the contact information of her secretary so that I could get paid for my
service. After only a minute of talking, the secretary wired me two thousand pesos,
which was twice as much as my rate.

"Yayamanin, 'te . . ." bulong sa akin ni Shaira.

"Kaya nga," I agreed. "Nakita lang daw no'ng nanay na fino-follow ako no'ng anak
niya sa Facebook page ko kaya pinatawagan ako sa secretary niya."

"Ibang level ka na talaga. Baka mamaya ikaw na ang maging make-up artist ni Alya
Foster."

I just laughed. Nagkuwentuhan pa kami hanggang marating namin ang sinabing room sa
akin. I knocked twice, and the door opened right away.

"Good morning!" Magandang ngiti ang isinalubong sa amin ng isang may-edad na babae.
"Kayo po 'yong sa ASM Beauty?"

I smiled back. "Yes po."

Nilakihan niya ang pagkakabukas sa pinto at pinapasok kami. Agad ko namang inayos
ang mga gamit ko.

My make-up trolley was the most expensive item I bought for myself and the first
thing I invested in. Kumpleto na rin kasi ito. It has a mirror, lights, and even
built-in Bluetooth speakers inside.

"Darating na rin po agad sina Ma'am. Pakihintay na lang po . . ." sabi ng babae sa
amin.

I nodded and smiled. Hindi naman ito ang unang beses na nagkaroon ako ng mayamang
kliyente. In fact, most of my clients have complimented me on my attention to
detail and artistic sense when it comes to choosing color schemes and accents.
Nakakatuwa nga dahil noong una ay mga schoolmate at kaklase ko lang ang nagpapaayos
sa 'kin, pero dahil sa positive feedbacks, I was able to attract lots of clients.

"Nag-message si Ma'am Abulencia sa group chat. Ang final requirement daw natin sa
zoology ay written report ng lahat ng nai-discuss niya sa animal classes, minimum
of twenty pages."

Napanganga ako. "Gago?! Ang dami no'n!"

She put down her phone. "By pair naman kaya sana 'wag mo 'kong iwan."

Nagbuntong-hininga ako. Ano'ng trip ni Ma'am? Sigurado namang hindi niya babasahin
'yon kapag isinubmit namin! Kairita! Kaya ayoko kapag mag-fi-finals, eh! Back to
back na nga ang re-review-hin para sa exam, napakarami pang kailangang ipasa!

"Ma, what's wrong with you?"

Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang marinig ang boses ng isang babae. I knew right away
that it was the client, so I stood up straight and smiled as widely as I could, but
as soon as I saw who it was, my smile began to falter.

Narinig ko ang pagsinghap ni Shaira dahil gaya ko, paniguradong nagulat din siya.

"Mari?" Psyche asked, which shocked me to my core.

Kilala niya 'ko?

"Oh great! You know each other?"

Napatingin ako sa babaeng kasama niya. May katangkaran ito at pagka-morena. Kahit
may edad na ay maganda pa rin itong tingnan dahil sa pagkakapusod ng medyo kulot na
buhok.

She must be Psyche's mother. She exuded such a sophisticated and refined aura.

I chuckled to relieve the tension that was building up inside of me. "Ah . . .
schoolmates po kami, ma'am."

Tumango ang ginang bago bumaling sa anak niya. "See? Mabuti talaga at inilipat kita
sa public university. Hindi lalaki ang circle mo kapag nag-stay ka sa all-girls
school."

Circle? As far as I know, Psyche and I have never shared the same circle of friends
or acquaintances.

Hindi sumagot si Psyche kaya mabining tumawa ang nanay niya. "Come on, don't be
timid, anak. Alam kong ifino-follow mo ang ASM Beauty sa Facebook kaya ako na mismo
ang nag-reach out sa kanya para ayusan ka."

"Ma . . ." I heard a hint of resistance in Psyche's voice.

"Sige na! You're meeting your fiancé! You have to present your most attractive look
possible!"

Napakurap ako. Wait . . . did I understand things correctly? Psyche is meeting her
fiancé?

Sino? Si . . . Leon?

I felt a sharp pain ripping through my chest when the realization dawned on me. I
didn't know they were engaged! Nag-propose na ba agad si Leon sa kanya? But we were
barely twenty! Ganoon ba siya kasigurado kay Psyche?!

"Wow . . . congrats," bulaslas ni Shaira sa likuran ko habang pasikretong pinipisil

ang braso ko.

Humarap sa amin ang nanay ni Psyche. "Make her the prettiest, okay?"
Dahan-dahan akong tumango. I put on a smile and told Psyche to sit on the foldable
chair. Sumunod naman siya kahit na bahagya kong nakita sa mukha niya ang pag-
aalinlangan. I had to swallow the lump in my throat to be able to proceed to my
work.

Una kong inayos ang mahaba at tuwid na buhok niya. I made it a point to have it
look as if it had more volume than it actually did. Bahagyang nanginginig ang mga
kamay ko pero siniguro kong hindi ito makakaapekto sa kalidad ng serbisyo ko.
Shaira stood next to me, completely silent. Hindi ko alam kung ramdam niyang
kinakabahan ako o wala lang talaga siyang gustong sabihin.

Wow. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would get to the point where I
could make a woman look even more attractive to Leon . . . to the man whom my heart
secretly adored.

"You're Leon's classmate, right?" tanong ni Psyche.

I forced a smile. "Yes . . . I didn't know you'd recognize me."

Nagpaalam sa amin saglit ang nanay niya kaya kaming tatlo na lang ang natira sa
room. I pulled out my primer and carefully applied it to her silky skin. Maganda
naman talaga siya. Kutis-mayaman at alam mong alagang-alaga. Hindi na rin
nakakagulat na nagustuhan siya ni Leon.

"Do you have a preferred make-up style?" I asked as I put a thin layer of liquid
foundation on her face.

She tilted her head to the side and studied her reflection. "Well, I like what you
did to my hair, so I'll leave everything in your hands."

I breathed deeply. "Uhm . . . what does your . . . fiancé like? Baka may gusto
siyang style."

She smiled sweetly. "Si Leon?"

I mentally cursed when a searing pain shot through my chest.

Heard that, Amari? Leon is really engaged. Siguro naman ay sapat na rason na 'yan
para magalit ka lalo sa kanya, 'di ba? Hinawakan ka niya kagabi . . . tapos
nilagyan niya na pala ng singsing ang girlfriend niya.

"Yeah," I whispered.

"Hmm . . ." Napaisip siya. "I think he loves kissing me when I have red lipstick
on."

Napaubo si Shaira kaya nagkaroon ako ng tyansa na kalmahin ang sarili. I could
endure this. I'd been through hell and high water, and I'd made it out alive. Ano
pa at dalawang libo ang ibinayad sa akin kung hindi ko titiisin 'to, 'di ba? I knew
from the start that Leon was in a serious relationship with someone . . . it wasn't
like he promised anything to me.

"Kailan siya nag-propose?" biglang untag ni Shaira.

Marahang tumawa si Psyche. "Just last week."

Nanginginig ang labing ngumiti ako. "Simulan ko na, ha?"

Tumango lang siya. I held my breath and rubbed my palms together to relieve the
pain ramping up in my chest. Ayokong ipahalata sa kanya at kay Shaira na
naaapektuhan ako.

I put on my smiling façade as I began applying make-up to her face, pretending like
nothing was wrong.

Nakaramdam ako ng labis na pagkadismaya.

I just didn't know Leon could do something so . . . unfaithful.

I mean, what's up with him being so sweet to me while he's dealing with someone
else? Hindi tama ang ginawa niyang pagpapakita ng motibo sa 'kin. Sure, I wouldn't
take it the wrong way, pero ano ang mararamdaman ni Psyche kung malalaman niyang
kasama ko ang fiancé niya kagabi, hinahaplos ang pisngi ko at tinatakpan ng buhok
ang leeg ko?

"I think soft eyeshadows will look good on you," I suggested, and she broke into a
sweet smile. "Pinks, nudes . . . okay lang?"

"Gusto naman ni Leon 'yon, 'di ba?"

My heart clenched as I nodded.

Men . . . they're never content, are they?

Kagaya lang din siya ni Jin at ng tatay ko. They would act like loyal boyfriends,
but they were just dickheads who would cheat on their partners if they had the
chance to.

Para saan? Sa sex? Sa atensyon? Sa past time? Hindi ba nila naiisip ang
mararamdaman ng sinasabi nilang "mahal" nila habang may kasama silang ibang babae?

I put light brown eyeshadow in the crease of her eye as my thoughts became
cluttered with my past experiences.

Noong niloko ako ni Jin, ilang libong beses kong itinanong sa sarili ko kung hindi
ba ako maganda . . . kung ganoon ba ako kapangit para maghanap pa siya ng iba. He
had sex with his wealthy friend, who was decked out in expensive clothes and had
flawless skin.

It made me question my self-worth. He led me to believe that I didn't belong to

myself. He had me looking at my reflection only to feel nothing but disgust. Hindi
kasi maganda ang kutis ko kagaya ng mga kaibigan ko. I have stretch marks, uneven
skin tone, bruises, and cuts that I made myself.

Funny how I hated myself before he came into my life, but after he wronged me, I
grew to hate myself more.

I took a deep, slow breath before putting red lipstick on Psyche's lips.

Leon, I hope you don't mess up like Jin. I hope you won't make other women feel bad
about themselves.

"All done!" I exclaimed, almost sounding too happy. "I'm sure he'll kiss you
straight away when he sees you."

She faced me with a beautiful smile. "Thank you. Sinabi ko naman kay Mama na hindi
ko na kailangang magpaayos dahil sanay naman si Leon na makita ako . . . but she
insisted. First date daw kasi namin 'to bilang mag-fiancé."
Tumango na lang ako. I'm sure if I say one more word, manginginig lang ang boses
ko. The fact that I had to serve as a tool to make her look more attractive for
Leon was enough torture for me.

Hindi ko na hinintay na makabalik ang nanay niya. Inayos ko ang mga gamit ko at
tinulungan naman ako ni Shaira.

"Aalis na kayo? Aren't you gonna greet Leon first?" tanong ni Psyche.

Ako na ang naunang umiling. "Sa school na lang."

"Oo . . . gutom na rin kasi ako," segundo naman ni Shaira.

We left the hotel in no time. What I found out shocked me, but at least now I have
a better view of who Leon was. Balak niya na naman akong paasahin . . . buti na
lang ipinakita agad sa akin ng tadhana kung anong klase lalaki siya.

Shaira never stopped gushing to me about how surprised she was, and I couldn't help
but pretend to be having fun. Hanggang sa carenderia kung saan kami manananghalian
ay sina Leon at Psyche ang bukambibig niya, para bang hindi makapaniwala na ganoon
kaseryoso ang relasyon ng dalawa.

"Mamamalengke muna ako, ikaw ba?" tanong ko habang hinihintay siyang matapos sa
pagkain.

Ngumuso siya sa mga gamit ko. "Kaya mo bang dalhin lahat 'yan?"

I nodded. "Labanos at kangkong lang naman ang bibilhin ko. Ipapasok ko na lang
d'yan mamaya sa bag."

Uminat siya. "Oki. Antok na rin ako, eh."

Nagpasalamat ako sa kanya bago kami naghiwalay. Tricycle lang ang sinakyan ko
papuntang palengke dahil mahihirapan akong isakay sa jeep ang gamit ko.

On the way to the market, I kept thinking about how disappointing Leon was. He
wants me mad? Okay. Kagalit-galit naman pala talaga siya. Huh. I'll give you a
taste of my rage!

Hindi naman nagtagal bago ako makarating sa palengke. I had a hard time carrying
all my stuff, but I managed to do it. Sanayan na rin. Sina Kat at Karsen ang
madalas mamalengke sa amin dahil kapag kami ni Mill ang nagsama, sa Puregold kami
namimili. Mas madali kasing mahanap doon ang items.

One piece of advice Kat gave me was to avoid buying vegetables at the entrance
except if there was no other alternative. Mas marami raw kasing murang gulay sa
loob ng palengke. Minsan, mas sariwa pa ang mga ito.

I dragged along my make-up trolley, slung my duffle bag over my shoulder, and
hauled my ring light and foldable chair in both of my hands. Mabuti at itinali ko
ang buhok ko dahil nararamdaman ko na ang pagbubutil ng pawis sa leeg ko.

Pumasok ako sa loob ng palengke at napangiti naman ako agad nang matanaw ko ang mga
kailangan ko.

"Magkano po sa kangkong?" tanong ko nang makalapit sa tindahan, ang mga mata ay

nakadirekta sa gulay.
"Ten pesos ang isang tali."

Agad akong napatingin sa gilid ko nang marinig ang boses ni Leon. I was certain at
that time that my eyes were wide open. I mean, alam ko namang may puwesto sila sa
palengke, pero hindi ba at magkasama sila ni Psyche?! Bakit parang ang bilis naman
nilang natapos?!

And god! He doesn't look like he just went on a date! He looked . . . dirty!

He was just clothed in a plain white sando that brought attention to his chest and
exposed toned muscles. Pinares niya iyon sa isang tila maruming maong pants at
sipit na tsinelas.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?!" tanong ko nang makabawi.

Ibinaba niya ang buhat-buhat na sako ng carrots sa gilid ng tindahan bago iniayos
ang salamin niyang dumudulas sa ilong niya. Some parts of his tanned skin glistened
with sweat. He took a step back when he lifted his head, looking back into my eyes.

"D'yan 'yong puwesto namin . . ." marahang sabi niya sabay sulyap sa tindahan nila.
"Ikaw?"

I couldn't believe him! How come his date ended so quickly?! Halos dalawang oras
kong inayusan si Psyche, tapos ganoon lang kabilis ang lunch date nila?!

The left corner of his mouth curled up into a smile as he noticed my stuff. "You're
done working . . ."

Would it be too sensitive if I brought up Psyche? Baka nag-away sila? O . . .

siguro na-postpone?

I shook my head. Why bother? Wala namang kinalaman sa akin ang relasyon nila.

Ibinalik ko ang atensyon sa tindahan. "Dalawang tali ng kangkong at tatlong

labanos." Kinuha ko ang mga napili at ipinatong iyon sa ibang mga nakahilerang
gulay.

He unlocked the small side door before carefully placing the vegetables inside a
plastic bag.

"Sixty-five lahat," sabi niya.

Naglabas ako ng seventy pesos sa wallet ko at iniabot iyon sa kanya. Agad niya
naman akong sinuklian. I was putting the plastic in the duffle bag when its strap
suddenly slid off my shoulder and went into the crook of my arm. Napangiwi agad
ako. Ang galing! Sa harap pa talaga ni Leon!

Dinaga ang dibdib ko nang lumabas siya.

"Tulungan na kita," he offered.

Umiling ako. "Kaya ko."

"Ibaba mo 'yang ilaw, upuan, saka 'yang duffle bag . . ." utos niya na parang hindi
ako narinig. "I'll carry them."

I arched my brow. Dadali na naman siya sa mga gan'yan niya. Ano'ng akala niya?
Papatulan ko siya? He has a fiancé for fuck's sake!
"Tumabi ka na lang sa dadaanan ko para makaalis na 'ko." Tinapunan ko ng tingin ang
tindahan. "Isa pa, sino'ng tatao rito? Paano kapag may bumili?"

"Nasa court lang sa malapit 'yong mga kapatid ko. I can call them," sagot niya.
"Akin na, baka sumakit ang balikat mo."

Umirap lang ako. Tumayo ako nang maayos at nang lalagpasan ko na sana siya,
naramdaman ko ang paglayo niya sa akin, dahilan para mapalingon ako sa kanya.

"Problema mo?" tanong ko dahil parang diring-diri siya sa akin.

He sighed, impatience seeping through his eyes. "Ihahatid na nga kita kahit
hanggang sakayan."

Binago ko ang pagtayo ko at mariing tumingin sa kanya. Ano? Ikaw pa ang maiinis
ngayon?

His brow furrowed. "Bilis na. You'll strain your shoulders if you keep carrying
them around."

Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata. "Bakit hindi mo kunin sa 'kin?"

He remained silent for a short while, the look of doubt and worry washing over his
face. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa damit ko bago dahan-dahang umiling.

"Nakaputi ka," sabi niya. "Baka madumihan kita."

I mentally cursed when I felt my heart warming. Galit ka, Amari! Totoong madumi
siya at walang nakakakilig do'n! He has a fiancé! Keep that in your fucking head!

"Stop pestering me then," I said with finality as I continued walking.

Hinigit ko ang trolley habang ramdam ang bigat ng duffle bag sa balikat ko. Unti-
unting lumuwag ang pagkakahawak ko sa upuan dahil sa panginginig ng mga kamay ko. I
tightened my grip. Hindi talaga magandang combination ang pagpupuyat at
pagtatrabaho.

Bago ko pa maiayos ang pagkakahawak ko ay may kumuha na ng upuan sa kamay ko.

"Kulit," bulong ni Leon sabay kuha ng gamit ko.

The crease in his forehead deepened as he took the duffel bag off my shoulder and
slung it over his own.

"Don't come near me," aniya bago lumayo sa akin. "I might stink."

Natulala ako sandali sa kanya. He then turned around and started walking,
effortlessly carrying my stuff. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero unti-unting kumirot
ang puso ko habang sinusundan ko siya.

Hindi naman siya mabaho. I even smelled his fresh, manly shower gel as he got my
stuff. And just in case he stinks, isn't that natural because he's been working?
Bakit parang nahihiya siya?

"Sir, bumabyahe po kayo?" magalang na tanong niya sa isang tricycle driver.

"Saan 'yan, 'toy?"

Lumingon siya sa akin. "Sa apartment sa Coop . . ."

Parang nagtatanong ang mga mata niya kaya tumango ako.

His gaze lingered on me longer than it should have. Maya-maya pa ay sumilay ang
maliit na ngiti sa labi niya, dahilan para kumunot ang noo ko.

Ano'ng nakakatawa?

Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa driver. "Sa apartment po sa Coop, sir. Sa tapat n'yo po
mismo ibaba, ha? Medyo marami po kasing dala."

I chewed on the inside of my lower lip, forcing myself not to appreciate the little
things.

After talking to the driver, he loaded my stuff onto the tricycle. Lumapit ako sa
kanya, pero katulad kanina, medyo lumayo siya sa akin.

"Teka lang, neng, ha? Bibili lang ako ng buko juice," paalam ng driver bago pumunta
sa lalaking nagtutulak ng cart ng buko.

Leon cleared his throat, drawing my attention.

"I've already paid your fare," he said.

I glared at him. "Sinabi ko bang bayaran mo?"

He moved his glasses slightly. Mukhang wala lang sa kanya ang pagsusungit ko dahil
hindi naman nagkaroon ng ekspresyon ang mukha niya.

"Am I blocked?" he asked out of nowhere.

"Huh?"

His eyes were racked with annoyance, yet he lifted his lips in a smirk. "Binlock mo
'ko sa messenger?"

I was taken aback. "Hindi!"

He tasted his lower lip. "My chats weren't getting through since last sem," he said
as the frustration that was building up in his eyes grew increasingly evident.
"Hindi mo na-re-receive?"

My heart throbbed. "A-Ano namang ichina-chat mo?!"

Hindi na siya nakasagot dahil bumalik na ang driver. I got on the tricycle
immediately and didn't bother looking back at him. Sa matinding kaba ay hindi ko
namalayang nakarating na ako sa apartment. Dali-dali kong kinuha ang cellphone ko
at tiningnan ang spam messages.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Congratulations.

Para akong mahihimatay sa nabasa. He sent it to me when I was named the top
psychology student in our batch after the summer convention.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: You don't want the DSM-5-TR? I have some new books I can give
you.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Why can't I check to see if you're online?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: How come my messages aren't being delivered? I can't tell if
you're replying.

My heart hurt so much that I couldn't even take a breath. Those were all sent
before our second year started. Iba-ibang petsa. Iba-ibang oras.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Thaddeus said you blocked me.

I balled my fist. Matapos niyang sabihing hindi niya ako gusto, uulanin niya ako ng
chat? Good thing I labeled our conversations as spam! Kung hindi ay aasa ako nang
sobra sa kanya!

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Galit ka?

I could hear his voice in my head. I scrolled down until I saw his next message,
which was only a few days after the last one.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Galit ka.

Napakunot ang noo ko nang makitang removed ang sumunod at huling chat niya. He sent
it to me the first time I saw him with Psyche.

Ayokong mag-isip. It was nonsense. Sinabi niyang wala siyang nararamdaman sa 'kin.
Bakit kailangan niya pang mag-chat kung gano'n? Isa pa, nagkaroon din naman siya ng
girlfriend . . . or fiancé . . . just months after sending me those.

I was about to put down my cellphone to give my heart a break when our group chat
in general zoology flashed up in my notification bar.

Ma'am Abulencia: I already paired you up with your classmates, so don't ask me if
you'll be the one to choose your partners. Refer to this document and start working
on your report. Also, I'll be your thesis adviser next school year, so if this pair
works for you, don't be surprised if I don't change it. Good afternoon.

BSPSY2A_Partners.pdf

As soon as I opened the file, I felt like the cosmos and its mutable fates had
joined forces to make my feelings even more complicated than they already were.

Pair No. 17: Amari Sloane Mendoza – Leon Ysmael Zamora

"Hate him to the core, Amari . . . that's the best way to move on," I whispered to
myself.

Chapter 10 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 10

And so I did.

I carried a deep-seated loathing for Leon, and right now, the mere thought of being
in the same room as him makes my blood boil.

"What are you guys complaining about? I paired you all up perfectly," Ma'am
Abulencia asked as soon as she entered our room.

Some of my classmates voiced their disapproval.

Pinandilatan sila ni Ma'am. "What?"

"Ma'am, sina Leon at Mari po ba ang magka-partner?" tanong ng Meg.

"Bakit? Ano bang nakita n'yo sa file na isinend ko?"

"Hay . . . buti na lang si Zoey ang ka-partner ko," bulong ni Shaira sa tabi ko.

"Ma'am, hindi dapat top students ang magka-pair!" one of my classmates complained,
which was immediately supported by the rest of our class.

Nagbuntong-hininga na lang ako. I knew I could do all the tasks by myself, and I'd
rather be paired with a freeloader than have to work with Leon. Iniisip ko pa nga
lang na siya ang makakasama ko sa paggagawa ng thesis na halos isang taon naming
pagtatrabahuhan ay napipikon na ako.

Doing the written report for general zoology together was bearable, but the thesis
was a different story!

"That's exactly the reason why I paired most of the top students together," sabi ni
Ma'am. "Because I know you'll depend on them and might even let them do all the
work."

Natahimik ang mga kaklase ko. I massaged my temples gently as my gaze strayed
around the room. Some of my classmates looked uninterested, some were venting out
their frustrations, and some were attentively taking in everything that Ma'am
Abulencia had to say.

But then, just like what always happens, my attention was suddenly drawn to my
partner because I realized that he was already watching me. Agad ko siyang inirapan
bago mabilis na ibinalik ang tingin kay Ma'am.

God . . . I hate him. He felt like a mistake I couldn't get away from.

Hindi na rumehistro sa utak ko ang mga sinabi pa ni Ma'am. Well, I chose not to.
Mukha naman kasing sarado na ang isip niya tungkol sa pairing.

The two-hour lecture started, and Meg quietly complained the whole time because she
was paired with our classmate who was known for being a big slacker. Hindi pa
nakatulong na nagkaroon kami ng surprise quiz tungkol sa topic pagkatapos ng
discussion. Tuloy ay badtrip na badtrip siya.

"Uuwing nakasimangot," pang-aasar ni Shaira.

"Kaysa naman sa 'yo," sagot ni Meg bago tiningnan ang babae mula ulo hanggang paa.
"Uuwing pangit."

Napatawa si Zoey. "Salaw!"

I stood up after putting all my stuff inside my bag. Nagsasabong na sina Shaira at
Meg at mukhang tuwang-tuwa naman si Zoey sa nakikita. Hindi ko alam kung saan nila
nakukuha ang energy nila gayong parang kanina lang ay antok na antok sila sa
lecture.

"Shaira!" sigaw ni Thaddeus mula sa pintuan ng room.

Mukhang uwian na rin nila. Dahil malapit na ang finals, kadalasan sa mga teacher
ngayon ay abala na sa paggagawa ng exam. Marami tuloy sa amin ang tamad na tamad
nang pumapasok lalo at naibigay naman na ng teachers namin ang pointers to review.
"Pangit pero may kalandian," ngiting-aso ni Shaira bago pumunta sa lalaki.

Zoey frowned as she quickly followed her. "Hoy! Gagawa tayo ng report ngayon!"

Hindi na ako nagulat nang magpaalam din sa akin si Meg para kausapin ang partner
niya.

I looked around. Now I wonder where Leon is. Siguro naman ay kaya naming mag-
division of labor na lang. We'd work on our respective tasks, then merge them into
a single document. Hindi na kailangan maging sobrang hands-on. Hindi naman para
basahin ni Ma'am ang lahat ng report namin.

"Mari, hindi ka pa ba lalabas? Hinihintay ka ni Leon," biglang sabi ni Thaddeus na

hindi ko napansing nasa pintuan pa rin.

I frowned as I walked toward him. Leon's still out there, huh?

Shaira and Zoey were talking a few meters away from us, and well, it seemed as if
Thaddeus was right; Leon was just standing in front of the room, leaning against
the wall like he was waiting for someone.

"P're, ano? Uuna na 'ko, ha? Mukhang may gagawin pa rin si Shai, eh," paalam ni
Thaddeus sa kaibigan.

Tumango lang ang lalaki. Thaddeus then went up to Shaira, and, to my surprise, Zoey
allowed her to come with him! At magkakasabay pa talaga silang umalis! Ni hindi man
lang ako isinama!

I heard Leon clear his throat, and a new layer of rage began to build up inside of
me.

"Puwede ka ba nga—"

"Let's just split the parts and compile them once we're done," I said, cutting him
off. "Puwede naman 'yon, 'di ba? Mas convenient din."

His brow furrowed. "No, we have to brainstorm what sections we'd include and
examine each other's papers from time to time."

"I'll take care of the first half, and you'll do the remaining half," I insisted.
"Okay na 'yon."

"Kailangan nga nating i-review ang paper natin," pamimilit niya rin.

My eyebrows went up in frustration. "Edi, i-review pagkatapos!"

"Paano kapag nagkamali tayo pareho? We'll have to revise and rewrite, and it might
take twice as long."

"At saan naman tayo magkakamali?"

"I'm just talking about the possibilities," sagot niya agad.

Inis na nagbuntong-hininga ako. This talk won't be over if you stay mad, Amari. He
has answers for everything, so compromising a little will not kill you.

"Ano ba kasing gusto mong mangyari?" I asked.

He cocked his head and sighed. "We should work together after class for the next
two weeks."

"Huh?!" I yelled as the composure I'd just been practicing fled from my body.

"It wouldn't take three ho—"

I shook my head to stop him from saying another word. "Mag-isa ka! Kita mong next
month pa ang due date n'yan, eh! Masyado kang excited!"

"Do you want to procrastinate?" he asked, getting a little annoyed.

I gritted my teeth. God, I really really really hate him!

"I'd rather procrastinate than see your face for the next two weeks," I whispered
to myself.

He snickered angrily, furrowing his brows as he did so. Mukhang narinig niya ang
sinabi ko . . . at syempre, mukhang napikon siya.

"I know you don't like me, but can you at least put that aside for now?" he asked.
"Final requirement natin 'to. I don't want to make things harder for you."

I cursed under my breath. He looked mad, but why does his voice sound unbelievably
soothing?!

"Mag-research muna tayo ngayon tapos bukas na tayo magsimula," dagdag niya pa.

I chuckled sarcastically and pushed all of his buttons. "You don't tell me what to
do, Zamora. If you want us to work together without fighting, you need to be a
little less pushy. Kung sanay kang maging leader, sanay rin akong maging leader.
'Wag mo 'kong pangunahan."

Isang buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan niya bago ako tinitigan. I didn't bother
trying to take my eyes off of him. Gusto kong makita niyang determinado rin ako
gaya niya.

Come on, I just don't want to spend more time with him! Kayang-kaya ko namang gawin
ang paper namin kahit ako lang mag-isa! Why does he exaggerate and act like this
project is too hard to complete?!

My thoughts suddenly came to a halt when I noticed that his gaze had lost its
intensity. Ngayon ay para siyang batang napagsabihan dahil nawala ang inis na
kanina lang ay nakapinta sa mukha niya.

"Okay . . . what do you want me to do then?" he asked slowly.

I tried not to be affected by the way he gave in to me. I raised my chin to show
him that I had the upper hand.

"We can work on our own and then just show each other what we've finished at the
end of the week," I uttered with finality. "Kung gusto mo talagang magkasama tayong
gumawa, we can do that every Friday."

"Just . . . Fridays?"

Tumango ako. "Kung three to five pages ang magagawa natin araw-araw, I think we can
finish the report this week, so, one Friday should be enough."
He licked his lower lip and bit it as if he was in deep thought.

"There's no need to rush," he said after a while.

Agad na nagsalubong ang kilay ko. "You told me not to procrastinate!"

He shook his head and cracked a little smug smile. "Tama ka. Next month pa naman
ang pasahan. We should take our time."

"Gulo mo!" iritableng saad ko bago tumalikod sa kanya. "Bahala ka na d'yan! I-

message mo na lang ako kung may importante kang sasabihin!"

I heard him chuckling gently, and I resisted the urge to look back at him. "Was I
taken off your block list?"

"Sino ka ba para i-block ko? Masyado kang feeling special," nanunuyang sagot ko.

Hindi na ako nag-abalang maghintay pa ng sagot niya dahil mabilis akong naglakad
paalis. Bwisit! How long do I have to do this?! Kung puwede lang talagang
magpapalit ng partner ay ginawa ko na! Meg could work with him, and I'd be happy as
hell to work with the slacker!

I only calmed down when I got home. Dahil mamaya pa ang dating ng mga kaibigan ko
ay mag-isa lang ako sa apartment. Agad akong nag text kay Dad tungkol sa quiz namin
kanina para ipagmalaking perfect score ang nakuha ko . . . but of course, I didn't
tell him that Leon did too.

I know he won't reply because that's how it always is. Mag-re-reply lang siya sa
'kin kapag end of semester na lalo at alam niyang ilalabas ang Dean's lister. I
don't know why I keep doing this, but I really want to tell him about my
achievements, no matter how small they are.

Bago ako makapagpahinga, nag-shower muna ako at naglinis sandali ng apartment

namin. It was a good distraction that took my mind off Leon for some time. Nagluto
na rin ako para pag-uwi ng mga kaibigan ko ay may pagkain na sila.

However, while resting, my hands automatically went to the spam folder on my

messenger. At halos manginig ako sa gulat nang makita kong may bagong message sa
akin ang lalaki.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I hope you're not working on our paper right now. We still have
a lot of time. Get some rest first.

My heart swelled up with an emotion I was afraid to put into words. I gave myself a
mental pep talk and shook my head.

Galit ka dapat sa kanya, Amari. That's the only feeling you're allowed to have for
him.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I thought I've made it quite obvious to you that you can only
message me if you have something IMPORTANT to say. 'Wag kang feeling close.

Pagka-send na pagka-send ko pa lang ng message ko sa kanya ay nagulat ako nang

makitang na-seen niya agad iyon . . . para bang hindi siya umalis sa chat box
namin.

I stayed there for a while, too. Baka kasi i-remove niya na naman. Ang hilig niya
pa namang gawin 'yon.
"Ano'ng problema nito?" tanong ko sa sarili nang makitang binigyan niya ng "sad"
reaction ang message ko.

However, it was removed before I could tell him about it.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Define important then.

I shook my head. Baka napindot lang.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: 'Wag mo 'kong utusan.

Nang mapansin kong nag-ta-type siya ng panibagong reply ay pinatay ko na ang mobile
data ko.

I shut my eyes and sighed in frustration. Pinag-iisip niya na naman ako. Ano? Aarte
na naman ba siyang may pake sa 'kin? Iniisip niya bang may karapatan siyang
makipaglaro ng tug-of-war sa emosyon ko?

Every time he has the chance to talk to me, he will act in ways that are colored
with malice of some sort.

Kaya hindi na rin talaga nakapagtatakang iniisip ng mga tao sa paligid namin na
gusto niya ako. Paano ba naman ay nagpapanggap siyang malambing siya sa akin! He'd
stare at me with those gentle eyes and talk to me as if he'd always bow down to my
every whim! Mabuti na lang talaga at naprangka ko na siya noon sa Davao. Hindi ako
matatangang mag-isip kung ano'ng gusto niyang mangyari.

Sa inis ko ay hindi na ako nakapagpahinga. Sinimulan ko na lang ang report namin at

gumawa na rin ako ng reviewer para sa paparating na final exams dahil ayokong
lumalim ang gabi na siya ang pinoproblema ko.

The following days, I did everything I could to avoid him. I mean, napagkasunduan
naman namin na every Friday lang kami magsusulat ng report nang magkasama kaya
walang dahilan para makipag-usap ako sa kanya. Also, we don't actually pay
attention to each other very often, so that's nothing out of the ordinary either.

"Break na ba sina Psyche at Leon? Ang tagal ko na silang hindi nakikitang

magkasama," tanong ni Zoey habang nag-aaral kami sa library. Vacant kasi namin.

Meg shrugged. "Dunno. Baka hindi lang showy."

"Tigilan ako sa hindi showy! Araw-araw silang PDA noon!" singit ni Shaira. "Tirik
na tirik ang araw tapos makikita mo magka-holding hands, parang mga gago."

Zoey threw her a crumpled paper. "Pero kapag kayo ni Thaddeus ang naglalandian,
okay lang?"

Tumawa si Shaira. "Cute kami. Sila hindi."

I sighed in annoyance. "Ano, mag-aaral ba tayo o magchi-chismisan?"

"Wow, ang sungit ni queen," panunudyo ni Shaira na inismiran ko lang.

Nasuway pa kami ng librarian dahil sa ingay ng babae pero natulala lang ako sa
isinusulat ko lalo at tumatak sa akin ang tanong ni Zoey.

I didn't know how long it had been since I last saw Psyche and Leon together, so I
was shocked when I heard that they were already engaged. Hindi naman namin sinabi
kahit kanino ni Shaira ang nalaman namin dahil wala kami sa posisyong gawin iyon.
Hindi ko lang talaga maiwasang magtaka kung bakit wala pang nakakaalam ng tungkol
doon . . . considering how much buzz and publicity their relationship had gotten.

Wala rin naman akong lakas ng loob na i-congratulate si Leon para makumpirma iyon.
Saka, duh! Bakit ko siya i-co-congratulate samantalang hindi naman ako masaya?!
Malakas na sampal na sa akin ang pagbati ko sa relasyon nila. Tama na 'yon!

Habang nag-iisip ako, biglang nag-beep ang cellphone ko na nakapatong sa table

namin. Sabay-sabay kaming napatingin doon at napasinghap ako nang makita ang chat
head ng profile picture ng lalaking iniisip ko lang ngayon!

"Sino'ng nagbukas ng data ko?!" inis na tanong ko bago mabilis na kinuha ang
cellphone ko.

"Ano . . . nakiki-hotspot ako . . ." mahina at kinakabahang sagot ni Meg.

Furious, I slammed my back against the chair and opened our chat box.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: It's Friday.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: And, would you mind telling me where you are? I didn't see you
at the canteen. Sa labas ba kayo kumain?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I hope you didn't skip lunch. It's past 12.

I felt my heart fluttering, but I killed it in an instant. I let the worry I could
see in his messages fuel my wrath.

Bakit ba siya chat nang chat?! I made it clear to him that he should only talk to
me if he had something important to say! And really? He'll check to see if I've
eaten my food now?! Bakit? Kung wala talaga siyang nararamdaman para sa 'kin, dapat
ko na lang bang isipin na parte 'to ng pagiging magka-partner namin?!

He's back to his old tricks! He's being too much again! He's making me feel too
much again! Sasaya ako kapag nand'yan siya kasi parang ang lambing-lambing niya,
pero ano? Lulungkot na naman ako kapag nakita ko siyang kasama si Psyche!

Our classmates even saw that he messaged me! Ano'ng iisipin nila?! Nag-uusap kami
habang nasa isang relasyon siya?

He has a fiancé! Nag-propose siya kay Psyche! Ano pa bang kailangan niya sa 'kin?!

Seething in anger at the way he controlled my thoughts and emotions, I gripped my

phone tightly and fired back with a text message.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You never listen, do you? Ipapaalala ko lang sa 'yo na hindi
porke't magkaibigan tayo sa Facebook ay magkaibigan na tayo sa totoong buhay.
Instead of fretting about me, you should set your sights on your fiancé and get the
hell away from me. And please, know your fucking place in my life! Sino ka ba sa
akala mo?

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I know it's Friday and we'll be working together later, but
if you send me one more message, I'll block you. I can finish the report on my own.
You know I can still do well without you.

"Wow . . . sigurado akong nanginginig sa takot si Leon ngayon," sabi ni Zoey na

hindi ko napansing pinapanood na ako.
Pinakalma ko ang sarili. Hindi dapat ako ma-guilty. Tama lang naman ang sinabi ko.
Iyon naman talaga ang dapat niyang marinig dahil lumalampas na naman siya sa linya.
He was in a relationship, and as someone who had been cheated on in the past, I
didn't want other women to have to go through what I had.

"Ang kulit kasi, eh. Hindi ko naman tatakasan ang report namin," pagsisinungaling
ko para hindi nila bigyan ng meaning ang nakita. "Kayang-kaya ko ngang gawin mag-
isa 'yon."

"Ang init ng dugo mo kay Leon," natatawang komento ni Shaira. "Competitive much?"

Zoey let out a long sigh as she placed her left cheek on the book that was lying
open on the table. "Sayang. I thought we'd all be friends after the convention. Ano
bang nangyari sa inyo at parang naging mortal enemies kayo?"

"Si Mari lang naman, eh . . ." sabi ni Meg.

Umiling ako. "We're not enemies . . . I just don't like him."

Good thing they didn't push through the topic. We stayed at the library until it
was time for our last subject. Bumalik kami sa room at agad na lumipad ang tingin
ko kay Leon na ngayon ay nagbabasa lang. I turned away and sat in my chair quietly
as I waited for Ms. Lubrica.

I don't know how I'll approach Leon, but as I've said, I can do the report alone.
Kung hindi niya ako lalapitan ay hinding-hindi ko ibaba ang pride ko para kausapin
siya. I'm done playing games with him. Kung hindi niya kayang seryosohin ang
nararamdaman ko, siguro oras na para ipaalam ko sa kanya na wala siyang halaga sa
akin. He might have thought I let him flirt with me.

"Good afternoon, class," bati sa amin ni Ms. Lubrica. "We were supposed to do a
research activity, but the internet at our school just went out. Kahit sa library
at computer lab ay hindi kami maka-connect."

"Hala, ma'am, kung ako 'yon, pauuwiin ko na ang mga estudyante ko," pagbibiro ni
Shaira.

My classmates laughed. Simula kaninang alas diez ng umaga hanggang ngayong ala una
ay wala kaming teacher kaya kung i-di-dismiss na kami ni Ms. Lubrica ay para lang
kaming nagtapon ng tatlong oras dahil Field Methods lang naman ang subject namin
ngayong hapon.

"I'll let you use my time to do what you need to do."

Agad na nagpalakpakan at nagsigawan ang mga kaklase ko.

"Tapusin n'yo na ang ipinapagawa sa inyo hangga't maaga pa para hindi kayo
matambakan kapag nag-announce na ng final requirements ang iba n'yong teacher,"
dagdag pa ni Ma'am.

"Love you, ma'am!"

Of course, everyone was happy because it was a free pass to go home already. Medyo
nainis lang ako dahil dapat ay kanina pa iyon ini-announce para hindi na kami nag-
antay ng oras. Kaya lang, hindi ko naman kayang sisihin si Ms. Lubrica dahil hindi
niya naman kasalanang bigla na lang nawalan ng internet ang school.

I was tapping my fingers on the armrest of my seat because I was feeling disturbed.
Hindi ako sigurado kung lalapitan pa ako ni Leon pagkatapos ng mga sinabi ko sa
kanya. Paano na? Tutuloy ba kami o magkakanya-kanya na lang?

"Girl, gagawa na kayo ngayon, 'di ba? Uuna na kami, ha?"

Tahimik na tumango lang ako sa tatlo. Leon was still sitting in his chair, so I
didn't get up from mine either. Pinanood ko na lang ang mga kaklase kong isa-isang
umalis at halos lahat sila ay mahahalata mong natuwa sa nangyari. Kami lang talaga
ni Leon ang naiba.

"Who told you I have a fiancé?" he asked firmly when everyone left.

I clenched my fist. "Does it matter?"

"Is it Psyche?"

Pabalang akong tumawa. "Bakit ba natin pinag-uusapan 'to? I'm here for the written
—"

"Is it Psyche?" mas madiing tanong niya.

He glanced up at me, his gaze probing my soul.

Napakurap ako. He looked . . . furious.

"Hindi ko naman ipagkakalat!" my voice trembled. "B-Bakit sa akin ka nagagalit?"

He stood up, and I felt a chill run down my spine as he placed both of his hands on
the armrests on each of my sides, basically pinning me to the chair I was sitting
in.

"A-Ano?!" I panicked.

He was so close that I couldn't even breathe!

"Did Psyche tell you that lie?" he whispered, his eyes wandering around my face.

My lips parted. He wasn't engaged?

He grinned arrogantly. "For someone who's startled, you're still quite pretty,
huh?"

Naramdaman ko ang agad na pag-iinit ng mukha ko sa sinabi niya.

I tried to talk, but nothing came out of my mouth. My heartbeat was so fast that I
found it difficult to maintain a steady breath. He was just inches away from me!

His glasses were sliding down his nose bridge, and I could tell by the look in his
eyes that he was enduring a lot of pain and a bit of . . . amusement.

"I'm not allowed to tell anyone about the nature of my relationship with Psyche,
but you know how to pull my trigger, don't you?" he asked.

I swallowed hard. "Edi, 'wag mong sabihin . . ."

He chuckled as his eyes went to my lips. "Like it's easy."

He's not engaged. Leon . . . is not engaged. It was as if a light bulb went off in
my head, causing my heart to race with relief.
"Wala naman akong pakialam," I managed to say.

I stiffened when slightly he tucked a few strands of my hair behind my ear. He

stared deep into my eyes like was in a trance.

"I was only pretending to be Psyche's boyfriend," he whispered, wreaking havoc

inside me.

I shook my head. "Hindi mo kailangang sabihin sa akin 'to."

"In exchange for the parcel of land that my mother used to own but ended up losing
when my father used it as collateral to pay off his debts to Psyche's father," he
said. "Gustong-gusto 'yon mabawi ni Nanay . . . kaya pumayag ako."

Hindi ako nagsalita.

"May ibang fiancé si Psyche . . . and I can assure you it wasn't me. She doesn't
like him, so she hired me to make him break off their engagement."

"She said it was you," I said.

Umiling siya. "It was the governor's son."

"She said it was you!" I insisted. "She said you proposed to her a few weeks ago!"

"It was a cover-up . . . para walang nakakaalam na nagpapanggap lang kami."

Mind over matter, Amari. Mind over matter. Remember what you promised yourself. You
can't entertain someone because you have a lot of things to fix about
yourself . . . even if that someone is Leon.

I put my hands on his shoulders and tried to push him away, but he wouldn't budge.

"Okay, I've heard enough," I said with finality. "Hindi ko alam kung bakit sinasabi
mo sa 'kin 'to pero hindi na 'to sakop ng pagiging magka-partner natin."

"Are you sure you don't know why?" he asked.

I tightened my jaw. "Enough, Zamora!"

I pushed him hard before getting up. Magkalapit pa rin kami, kaya alam kong walang
kinalaman ang pagtulak ko sa paglayo niya. Hinayaan niya lang talaga akong
makatayo.

"Labas na ako sa kung ano'ng meron sa inyo," pagmamatigas ko. "You can make it real
for all I care!"

So much pain shot through his eyes that I had to look away.

"There's someone I really like at the moment . . . so I don't think I can do that."

I stood my ground. "Save it. Wala sabi akong pake!"

"I didn't confess because I was afraid she'd think I'd just paved the path for her
every time she would win against me." He chuckled, but he sounded gloomy. "Ganoon .
. . kababa ang tingin niya sa sarili niya. Na pinagbibigyan lang siya kapag
nananalo siya."

Tumango ako at pilit na ikinalma ang sarili. I couldn't let my heart take over me.
Not again.

"Are you done? Can we proceed to what we need to do now?" tanong ko bago muling
tinapunan siya ng tingin.

From the pocket of his uniform, he took out a flash drive. Hinawakan niya ang kamay
ko at maingat na inilagay iyon doon.

"Tapos ko na," marahang sabi niya. "I actually don't want to give it to you because
I was looking forward to spending at least two or three Friday afternoons together,
but . . . there."

My hands trembled as I looked at the flash drive. Hindi ko alam kung bakit
nasasaktan ako gayong sinabi na mismo niya sa akin na wala naman siyang kasintahan.
I knew he wasn't lying . . . but I do not have the heart to trust him . . . or
myself again.

Natatakot ako. I might like him too much, to the point where I would suffocate him.
I might want him too much, to the point where I would wear him out.

"You said you don't like me, Leon," I said, my voice trembling. "Naniwala na ako
ro'n kaya panindigan mo."

Naramdaman ko ang paglayo niya kaya nag-angat ako ng tingin. Isinukbit niya ang bag
niya sa balikat at bigong-bigong tumingin sa akin.

"Don't worry, I've taken a hint now, and I already know my fucking place," he said
in a low, hushed tone. "I'm only a rival to you . . . and I need to stay there
because that's the only way I can be a part of your life."

Chapter 11 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 11

When I saw him walk out the door, I knew that our chances of being together were
over.

Ni hindi ko alam na posible palang matapos ang isang bagay na hindi pa naman
nagsisimula.

I fixed my eyes on his chair and tried to picture him sitting there, looking at me
through his glasses while I answered back to our instructor's question. His eyes
were gleaming with joy, but as he rose, he would contradict my claim, causing me to
roll my eyes in anger.

He was right. He had always been a rival to me. Lagi kong iniisip ang masama sa
kanya. Lagi akong nagagalit kasi mas magaling siya.

That's the only way he'll ever be in my life, and that's how it should stay.

Leon is a good and smart guy. Soon, he'll see how unworthy I am of him. Kapag
nakahanap na siya ng babaeng hindi mahirap pakitunguhan gaya ko, babaeng hindi siya
mapapagod intindihin, babaeng titingnan lahat ng maganda sa kanya, mapagtatanto
niyang walang kagusto-gusto sa akin.

Ayokong maging katulad siya kay Jin. Ayokong marinig sa bibig niya na nakakasawa
ako at masyadong maarte. I don't think I can ever take hearing that from another
person. Sapat nang nalaman kong malaki akong abala para sa iba.
Masakit . . . pero alam kong ito ang tama.

Leon deserves a woman who will be proud of him every time he does something good,
not a woman who will wish him to fail so she can succeed . . . so she can get
ahead.

I don't want to take him down with me. I don't want my insecurities to bother him.

Isa pa, we had goals to attain. Kailangan niyang magpanggap na nobyo ni Psyche para
sa lupain nila, at kung magiging kasintahan niya ako ay hindi ko alam kung kaya
kong makitang may hawak siyang iba.

Sa kaso ko naman, alam kong kailangan ko siyang talunin para patuloy na manirahan
sa apartment. At kung sakaling maging kasintahan ko siya, malaki ang tyansa na
magbago ang nararamdaman ko tungkol do'n.

I might be okay with losing . . . I might be okay with him always winning.

Killing the flame before it burns is for the best. Turning him down before he
directly confesses is for the best.

Sana lang ay hindi dumating ang araw na magsisi ako.

"Congrats, Amari!" sigaw nina Shaira at Zoey habang tumatakbo palapit sa akin.

I smiled at them. "Thanks."

"Hindi ka ba manlilibre d'yan?" tanong pa ni Shaira.

I snickered. Nakaupo lang kami sa benches sa tapat ng building namin, hinihintay na

dumating si Ms. Lubrica, dahil magpapapapirma kami ng clearance. I arrived here
before them because they went to look at the bulletin board where the names of
students who had made it onto the Dean's list were posted there.

"Congrats," bulong ko kay Zoey na ngayon ay second placer na.

Matamis siyang ngumiti sa akin. "Grabe, third year na tayo."

I allowed my back to relax and watched the students stroll past the pathways.

I made it. I became the top psychology student again alongside Leon, as we both
have 1.13 general point averages. It was good enough for me. Wala naman kaming
napagkasunduan ni Dad na bawal ang may ka-tie.

I knew that if I maintained my current line of average, I would graduate as Summa

Cum Laude; yet, it wasn't even the aim, and that wouldn't make my father proud. Isa
lang ang dapat kong gawin. I have to be the batch valedictorian.

"Chapters 1-3 ang gagawin natin next sem, 'di ba? Tapos 4-5 naman sa second sem?"
tanong ni Shaira na tinanguan ko lang. "Pabuhat na lang siguro, Zoey," sabi niya pa
sabay tawa.

"Ay, hindi ko kailangan ng taga-luto ng pancit canton, ha?"

I heard them chuckle, but I didn't give them a glance.

I was thinking of talking to Ma'am Abulencia in the hopes that she would assign me
to a new partner. Alam kong hindi rin naman gugustuhin ni Leon ang magsama kami sa
isang proyekto na tatagal ng isang taon. Ayun nga at siya na mismo ang tumapos ng
written report namin sa zoology.

"Ano'ng iniisip mo?" tanong ni Zoey.

Umiling ako. "Chismosa ka."

Tumawa lang siya.

We talked until we spotted Ms. Lubrica. Agad kaming tumakbo papunta sa kanya at
nagpapirma ng clearance. Some of our classmates would just work on theirs during
the enrollment for the next semester. Kabilang na doon si Meg.

We then went to the faculty room, library, guidance office, and registrar. Hindi na
kami nananghalian dahil ang goal namin ngayong araw ay matapos ang pagpapapirma.
There were so many students that we had to wait in line for so long that I got
dizzy. Hindi pa nakatulong ang matinding sakit sa puson ko. Hindi ko sigurado kung
dahil iyon sa gutom o dahil unang araw ng menstruation ko ngayon.

"Last na!" sigaw ni Zoey. "Accounting office, here we go!"

"Tangina, ang dami mo pa ring energy," suway ni Shaira.

I kept my silence. We've been working on this for hours now. Gusto ko na lang umuwi
at magpahinga. I felt lightheaded.

Wala pa man kami sa mismong office ay tanaw ko na ang napakahabang pila. It would
take us at least an hour and a half to finish. Tirik na tirik pa ang araw. Ni wala
man lang tolda para masilungan. We only had our umbrellas to shield ourselves from
the heat.

"Nag-text ako kay Thaddeus. Nagpapadala ako ng pagkain," sabi ni Shaira habang nasa
pila kami.

I closed my eyes as I felt the clenching pain in my lower abdomen.

"Sabihin mo dalhan din ako." Narinig kong sabi ni Zoey.

"Ikaw, Mari?"

I shook my head. Pakiramdam ko ay nanghihina ako. Ayoko namang bumalik pa rito para
lang magpapirma ulit. I'm swamped with work tomorrow. Ngayon lang ako puwede.

I opened my eyes and tried to put pressure on my abdomen. Kung sa apartment lang
ako inabot ng sakit ay nakapaglagay na ako ng hot compress dito. Lagi kasing ganito
ang nangyayari. Tuwing first day ng menstruation ko ay inaatake talaga ako ng
dysmenorrhea. Malala lang ang sakit ngayon dahil sa matinding init at dahil na rin
sa pagod ng katawan ko.

"Girl, okay ka lang ba?" tanong ni Zoey makalipas ang ilang sandali.

Tumango ako. I tightened my grip on my umbrella because I thought it would fall out
of my hands.

"Mari?"

Lumingon ako sa likod ko at nakita si Paolo kasama ang mga kaibigan niya na mukhang
kararating lang. Nasa dulo kami ng pila at sila ang sumunod sa amin.
"Hi," he said when he realized it was me.

I didn't feel like talking, but I didn't want to be rude, so I just smiled. Kita ko
pa ang pagsisikuhan ng mga kabarkada niya.

"Hi," bati ko pabalik.

"Do you mind . . ." he trailed off as he offered to carry the umbrella for me.

Umiling ako at ibinigay iyon sa kanya. Wala rin kasi siyang payong. Baka gusto
niyang makisukob. Isa pa, nanghihina na rin ako para hawakan pa iyon. Mabuti nang
may ibang maghawak noon para sa akin.

Matapos ang birthday ni Maricar ay mukhang naintindihan niya ang gusto kong
mangyari dahil hindi na niya ako kinausap. Isang beses niya lang akong ichinat para
tanungin kung nakauwi na ba ako, at nang mag-reply ako ay nag-good night na lang
siya.

"Uy, pati pala pagpapapirma ng clearance by pair na rin?!" maarteng sigaw ni Zoey
nang makitang magka-share kami ni Paolo ng payong.

"Shut up," pagsusungit ko na tinawanan lang niya.

Hindi na ako nagulat nang miski si Shaira ay lumingon sa amin. She grinned widely
and wiggled her brows as if she was teasing us. Kung hindi lang masakit ang puson
ko ay nabatukan ko na siya. Mukha kasi siyang tanga sa ginagawa niya.

"Ano pang kulang n'yo?" nangingiting tanong ni Paolo sa akin.

"Ito na lang," sagot ko naman.

"Ah . . . kanina pa pala kayo. Ang dami pa naming kulang, eh."

Tumango ako. "We've been here since this morning. Ang hirap kasing hagilapin ng
ibang prof."

"Oo nga. Sa library lang mabilis ang pila," tawa niya. "Saka ano . . . congrats
pala. Nakita ko ang pangalan mo sa bulletin board. Top 1 ka ulit."

"Salamat. Congrats din . . ." sabi ko kahit na hindi ko alam kung nakasama ba siya.

"Sorry rin pala kung hindi ako nakakapag-chat, ha?" bulong niya. "Not that it's a
big deal."

Marahan lang akong tumawa. "Okay lang 'yon."

"I'm afraid you'll find it weird. Hindi naman kasi tayo close."

Parang pumalakpak ang tainga ko sa narinig. That's exactly what I want. Hindi
mapilit. Alam niyang hindi ako komportable kaya hindi niya ako pinupuwersa. He
knows exactly how far he can go and he won't push beyond it.

"Thank you for considering that, Paolo. I kind of hate it when someone I don't
personally know messages me . . . tapos hindi naman importante," sabi ko.

He chuckled. "I hope you personally get to know me then."

Ngumiti na lang ako at hindi na sumagot. The scorching heat made it hard for me to
think clearly. Hindi naman siguro niya para isipin na gusto ko siya dahil lang
pinahiram ko siya ng payong, 'di ba?

We kept talking about random things. It wasn't as awkward as the first time we
talked, but I couldn't pay attention because of the pain in my lower abdomen.
Mukhang hindi niya naman napapansin iyon. Mabuti nga at tumigil ang mga kasama
namin sa pagtingin-tingin sa amin na para bang may malisya ang ginagawa namin.

"Thaddeus, dito!" sigaw ni Shaira na agad na nakakuha ng atensyon ko.

I turned to look at Thaddeus, but my gaze was quickly drawn to Leon who was
standing next to him. Parang may kumurot sa dibdib ko nang mabilis siyang sumulyap
sa akin, dahilan para magtama ang mga mata namin. He then shifted his focus to
Paolo, and I caught sight of a grin on his face as he looked away.

"Siraulo 'yang si Thaddeus. Tinatawag daw ako ng mga kaibigan ko no'ng birthday ni
Maricar," natatawang sabi ng lalaki sa tabi ko. "Eh, pagdating namin sa club, puro
bagsak na sila. Hindi naman kita nabalikan kasi tinulungan ko si Maricar maglinis."

"Okay lang 'yon . . ." wala sa hulog na sagot ko.

I watched Leon and Thaddeus walk toward us, and as they got closer, my heart
started to swell in pain.

It has been weeks since he told me how he felt about me, and we have pretended as
if nothing had happened. He aced all of our final exams, and I'd be lying if I said
I didn't worry about my grade this semester.

Nang ma-access ko ang flash drive na ibinigay niya ay sinubukan kong hanapan ito ng
mali para naman masabi kong may nagawa ako. Kaya lang, ano pa bang aasahan ko kay
Leon? He always does things perfectly.

I've been restless ever since our encounter. Kakaunting oras lang ako kung matulog
at pakiramdam ko ay sumusuko na ang katawan ko sa akin. That feeling when you're
doing everything to keep yourself busy so you won't have to think too much.

Ramdam ko na rin ang pagbabago niya. Kahit isang beses simula nang umamin siya sa
akin ay hindi ko na siya kailanman nahuling nakatingin sa akin. Hindi niya na rin
ako ichina-chat. Minsan nga ay parang gusto kong mag-sorry. I knew that my words
were harsh and that I inflicted pain on him . . . pero para saan pa?

'Yon naman ang gusto ko. 'Yon naman talaga ang dapat.

"Thank you!" maligayang sabi nina Shaira at Zoey nang iniabot ni Thaddeus ang
pagkain sa kanila.

Leon was just behind him, now busy with his phone. The sun's beams highlighted the
nature of his tanned skin. Makinis at mukhang alagang-alaga. With his head lowered,
the height of his nose bridge was also noticeable. Talagang hawak na hawak nito ang
salamin niya.

"Tatlo 'yan," saad ni Thaddeus. "'Yong isa, may nagpabili lang sa akin. Kayo na ang
bahala kung ano'ng gagawin n'yo d'yan."

I saw Leon give him a small kick in the shoes. Hindi ito nag-angat ng tingin pero
parang nasa kaibigan naman niya ang atensyon niya.

"Kare-kare 'yon," dagdag pa ni Thaddeus.

Pumalakpak si Zoey. "Sakto! Gusto ni Mari 'yan!"

I felt Paolo move beside me, making me look at him.

"Mahilig ka sa kare-kare?" tanong niya bago ngumiti. "My mom has the best recipe
for that. Gusto mo bang dalhan kita?"

"Let's go, Thaddeus," I heard Leon say to his friend.

I smiled at Paolo, suppressing the ache that I felt. Ganoon siguro kaayaw ni Leon
na makita ako. Mukhang gustong-gusto agad niyang makaalis.

"Hindi na. Mas paborito ko ang luto ng kaibigan ko. Ayokong makasubok ng iba. Baka
mapaltan bigla . . ." pagbibiro ko pa.

Muli kong hinawakan ang puson ko nang kumirot ito. My body won't really make things
easier for me, huh? Ang init-init na nga, sumasabay pa talaga ang sakit ng puson
ko. Tapos . . . idadagdag pa si Leon na hindi ko alam kung bakit parang malaki pa
rin ang galit sa akin. Maayos naman kaming nag-usap. Wala namang dapat ikagalit
doon.

"Dalhin n'yo na 'yang excess food," I managed to say to Thaddeus after a short
while. "Hindi naman ako nagugutom. Ibigay mo na lang sa nagpabili sa 'yo."

"Luh. Kanina mo pa nga hinahawakan 'yang tiyan mo," saad ni Shaira.

Umiling ako. "I'm okay."

It was a lie, of course. I was starving, but I knew the pain in my abdomen was the
main reason why my whole body was painful. Nakakawala tuloy ng gana.

"Sigurado ka ba?" tanong ni Zoey.

"Oo."

"I'll just have it then," biglang untag ni Leon. "And let's get out of here,
Thaddeus. Ang init masyado."

The latter just grinned at his friend. "Tatag mo, ah?"

I wasn't in the mood to think of anything else. They turned their backs on us and
left. Binungangaan ako ni Shaira dahil sa kaartehan ko. Hindi na lang ako sumagot.
I tried to pay attention to Paolo, who was talking too much right next to me, but
my thoughts kept going back to Leon and why he seemed so mad.

After almost two hours of waiting, we were finally done. Paolo and his friends left
first, and he told me he would just send me a message on Messenger. Sa hilo ko ay
tumango na lang ako.

"Tara na?" pagyayaya ni Shaira.

I shook my head. "Umuna na kayo. Pupunta muna ako sa clinic."

"Bakit?!" nag-aalalang tanong ni Zoey.

I chuckled to calm her down. "Magpapahinga muna ako at hihingi na rin ng gamot sa
dysmenorrhea."

"Si gaga! Bakit hindi mo man lang sinabi sa amin na meron ka ngayon?" nakalabing
saad ni Shaira. "Edi sana ibinigay mo na lang sa amin ang ID mo para kami na ang
nakapagpapirma."

"Ayos lang. Kaya ko naman." I breathed. "Sige na. Malapit lang naman ang clinic.
Baka mahimatay ako sa jeep kapag umuwi ako ngayon, eh."

They insisted on taking me to the clinic and scolded me when we were on our way.
Nang makita ako ng nurse ay nataranta pa siya dahil namumutla raw ako. Hindi namin
napansin iyon dahil masyadong mainit sa labas para makapag-focus pa kami sa ibang
bagay.

Matapos akong makitang nakahiga sa kama ay saka lang nagpasya sina Zoey at Shaira
na umalis. I closed my eyes and surrendered to the exhaustion that filled my entire
being.

I couldn't help but worry about how Leon and I would work on our thesis given that
he looked disgusted by my presence. Pansin ko naman ang pag-iwas at paglayo niya.
Kahit nga ang simpleng pagtingin sa akin ay parang nakakapaso para sa kanya.

Thirty minutes into resting, and I couldn't bring myself to sleep. Ako lang ang
estudyante rito kaya wala akong ibang naririnig kung hindi ang pagkilos ng nurse.

I heard the door open, but I kept my eyes closed. Kapag lumipas ang isang oras at
hindi pa ako nakakatulog ay uuwi na lang ako. Napainom na rin naman ako ng nurse ng
gamot. Dinalhan niya pa ako ng hot compress.

"Good afternoon, may Mendoza po ba rito?"

I smiled to myself when I thought I heard Leon. My mind must be playing games with
me. Kakaisip ko sa kanya ay kung ano-ano nang pumapasok sa utak ko.

"Isa lang ang nasa loob. Babae ba?" tanong ng nurse. "Hindi ko na chineck ang
pangalan, eh. Mamaya pang out niya."

I'm either hallucinating or something. This had to be some kind of a dream.

"Yes. Babae po," sagot ni Leon. "Nakalugay po ang buhok tapos medyo mapula ang
pisngi."

The nurse chuckled. "Maputla 'yong nand'yan."

"Uhm . . . nabanggit po kasi ng mga kaklase niya na dinala siya sa clinic. Pansin
ko nga pong walang kulay ang labi niya kanina." I could hear frustration in his
voice. "She hasn't eaten her lunch yet. Iiwan ko na lang po siguro 'tong pagkain sa
tabi niya."

"Sige. Nand'yan sa unang kurtina. Buksan mo na lang."

I was sure it was a dream . . . a good one. Dahil sa totoong buhay, matapos lahat
ng masasakit na sinabi ko kay Leon, imposibleng lapitan niya ulit ako. Kahit pa
maayos ang naging pag-uusap namin, imposibleng mag-alala pa rin siya sa akin.

The curtains opened, yet I kept my eyes shut. Natatakot akong magmulat dahil
ayokong makumpirmang gawa-gawa lang siya ng utak ko.

"I should've forced you to eat," he whispered. "Ang kulit mo kasi."

I felt like crying. He sounded so worried . . . and it was so comforting to hear.

My heart skipped a beat when I felt him put my blanket over my shoulder. He then
carefully pulled up a chair, and in my mind, I could feel his presence next to me.

"Don't get sick. I may worry about you more than a rival should."

Mahinang-mahina ang boses niya, tila ba takot na may ibang makarinig sa kanya.
Naninikip ang dibdib ko sa panghihinayang. I want to reach out and touch his face
and beg him not to stop liking me until I am not as bothersome and tiring as I am
now.

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na hintayin niya akong ayusin ang sarili ko . . . na
hintayin niya akong alisin sa utak ko na kalaban ko siya.

"Can I stare at you for a while? Tulog ka naman." He chuckled softly. "I'll just
think of it as a reward for avoiding you so well."

If I didn't have any goals to meet and knew I wasn't as exhausting to be around, I
could have started dating him right away. Si Leon na 'yan, eh. Matalino, guwapo,
mabait. Magaling din siyang mag-alaga. Magaling siyang magparamdam na parang ikaw
lang ang nakikita niya. He never failed to make my heart react whenever he sneaked
a glance at me while we were in class.

Umingay ang upuan niya, nagpapahiwatig na tumayo na siya.

"Congratulations for being at the top again, Mendoza," he said gently. "You're
doing a good job of going head to head with me."

In that same dream, I felt him put the hot compress in the right position on my
abdomen. In that same dream, I felt him softly run his fingers through my hair. In
that same dream, I felt him whisper how much he missed me.

That's the last time I dreamed about him. Nang magising ako noong araw na iyon ay
sinabi sa akin ng nurse na dinalhan daw ako ng pagkain at gamot ng kaibigan ko. I
didn't bother asking who that was. Gusto kong paniwalaan na hindi iyon si Shaira o
Zoey, kung hindi si Leon.

Days went by and I spent my summer working during the days and studying at night.
Sometimes, I would get so annoyed with Leon's obviously inactive Facebook account
that I would fall asleep while checking it, and then when I woke up, I would sit
there waiting for him to send me a message.

Alam kong para akong tanga dahil ako naman ang nagsabing tigilan niya na ako. Alam
kong ito na 'yong paraan niya para sundin ang gusto kong mangyari. I shouldn't
bother him anymore. If I make a move, it's as if I just did to him what he did to
me. I would give him mixed signals. I would make him wonder what my real intention
was.

Sa buong summer na iyon ay madalas din ang pagcha-chat sa akin ni Paolo. I knew he
was making a move on me. Nagyayaya siya minsan mag-coffee pero hindi ako pumapayag.
I didn't want to lead him on. At kung sakali mang maging handa akong sumugal ulit,
alam ko sa sarili kong hindi siya ang una kong lalapitan.

"Kat, can I ask you a question?" I asked my friend one week before our next school
year.

Nakahiga kami ngayon, naghahanda na sa pagtulog, at nakasiksik na naman siya sa

akin na parang bata. In my head, I was thinking of different ways to approach Leon,
especially because we were going to be working together on our thesis very soon.

Baka naman nakamove-on na siya. Halata namang wala na siyang pakialam sa akin. Baka
hindi na awkward para sa kanya.

"Hmm?" Kat hummed.

My chest heaved as I let out a sigh. "Ano sa tingin mo ang pangit na ugali ko?"

I felt myself changing. When I first met my father, I was nothing like this. I
wasn't as driven. I wasn't as competitive.

Now, I feel as if I don't have control over my own life. I'm sick of going round
and round in circles, constantly reminding myself of the things I have to do while
putting off the things I really want to do.

"You're secretive," Kat whispered, tightening her arms around me. "Sa inyong tatlo
nina Mill at Karsen, ikaw ang hirap na hirap akong basahin."

I breathed deeply. I'm wondering what she'll say if I tell her about my father's
condition regarding our stay in the apartment. Baka mag-alsa balutan agad kami.
She'll work her ass off again. She'll exhaust herself just to put a roof over our
heads again.

"I don't often see you cry . . . but I always feel like you're sad . . . like you
always need to be comforted," sabi niya ulit. "You don't ask for help. Alam mo
'yon?" Tinapik-tapik niya ako. "Sasabihin mo lang 'yong achievements o problema mo
kapag tapos na . . . kapag naharap mo na nang mag-isa."

"Is that bad?" I asked in hushed tones.

I'm just trying not to bother them. My problems are mine to deal with. Ayokong mag-
alala sila lagi sa akin dahil alam kong may kanya-kanya rin silang dinadala.

"Hindi ko alam. Simula naman noon ay gan'yan ka na," sabi niya. "Mas lumala lang
no'ng naghiwalay kayo ni Jin . . . at no'ng makilala mo ang Dad mo."

My lips trembled as I smiled. Those two would always remind me how bothersome and
disappointing I was.

I mean, alam kong tama naman sila. I brought out the worst in them. Okay naman si
Jin noong nanliligaw pa lang siya sa akin pero noong maging kami ay naging mabigat
na bagahe ako para sa kanya. My cries annoyed him. My problems made him cheat. My
mere presence exhausted him.

And as for my father, all he ever wanted was for me to be successful, and the only
way to accomplish that was to be at the very top of my field . . . pero hirap na
hirap pa rin ako. Kinakailangan ko pang magsakripisyo ng pahinga at tulog para lang
marating ko kung ano ako ngayon. Umasa siyang magaling ako. It was only natural for
him to be disappointed.

"You crave praise and compliments so much that you'll go to great lengths just to
get them." I felt her kiss my temple. "That's the most toxic trait you have, Mari.
You don't live for yourself. You let other people's words get to you, making you
slowly lose touch with who you really are."

I fought back my tears as the waves of her words hit the shore of my heart.

Ganito palagi. Tuwing nagpapahinga ako kasama siya, saka ko lang nararamdaman na
pagod pala ako. I'm sick of acting like I don't want to hear from my father that
he's proud of me. I'm sick of acting like Jin's words don't keep coming back to me.
I'm sick of hiding my feelings for Leon because I'm afraid he'll be one of the men
I let down.

"I like someone, Kat," I muttered so softly that I wouldn't be surprised if she
didn't hear it.

There was a long silence between us. Kung kay Mill ko sinabi ito ay paniguradong
nabusisi niya na agad kung sino ang tinutukoy ko. She would tell me to have fun but
would surely get upset when she found out who that guy is . . . kahit gaano pa
katino. Ayoko namang sabihin kay Karsen, dahil kahit isang taon lang ang tanda
namin sa kanya ni Mill, pakiramdam ko ay masyado pa siyang bata para problemahin
ang napakababaw na problema ko.

"Did you tell him?" Kat asked.

I shook my head.

"Bakit hindi?"

I smiled before closing my eyes. "I'm too broken, Kat. Picking up my pieces will
only hurt him."

She cuddled me but didn't say anything.

"Paano kapag ipinagkatiwala ko ang sarili ko sa kanya tapos lolokohin niya lang din
pala 'ko?" mahinang tanong ko. "Paano kapag nakita niya kung gaano ako kahirap
kasama tapos sabihin niya sa aking nakakapagod ako?"

"What else?" Kat whispered.

My lips quivered. "Paano kapag naapektuhan ang pag-aaral at pagtatrabaho niya dahil
sa 'kin? Paano kapag mas unahin niya 'ko kaysa sa sarili niya?"

That sounds so much like Leon . . . that sounds like something he'll do.

"But, despite liking him this much . . . I have toxic thoughts about him, Kat. I
don't want him to be better than I am. I don't want him to outdo me." Tangina, ang
dami kong rason. "Baka ma-insecure lang ako kapag malalamangan niya 'ko . . . and
he doesn't deserve that."

"Does he like you?" marahang tanong ni Kat.

My heart clenched. "Oo yata."

"You rejected him?"

"Again . . . oo yata."

She chuckled softly. "You really like him, Mari. To ponder about it all . . ." she
said as she sighed. "You must be tired of weighing things."

"Tama ako ng ginawa, 'di ba?" tanong ko.

Tumango siya, dahilan para lalong manikip ang dibdib ko.

"You thought about yourself, yet you also thought about him," she muttered. "Tama
ka. With all those thoughts racing through your head, you shouldn't be with him."

"You think so?" paninigurado ko.

Muli siyang tumango. "But then, acknowledging your destructive viewpoints should
lead to a change in behavior, Mari. Hindi dapat natin iniisip ang makalamang sa
kapwa natin. Hindi dapat natin hinihiling na lagi tayong mas magaling."

It silenced me. I know that. I really do. May mga bagay lang akong dapat talagang
gawin.

"And no, you're not tiring, and you don't deserve to be cheated on. No one else
does," she stated before taking a pause. "Mari, a true admirer should look beyond
the surface and see the person behind. Kung gusto ka talaga ng lalaking 'yan,
kailangan niyang alamin kung bakit mo 'yan naiisip tungkol sa kanya."

Umiling ako. "That's impossible, Kat. I'm the problem here."

"Yes, and you shouldn't let those thoughts get ahead of you," sabi niya. "Kung
gusto niyang mag-next level kayo, he needs to understand that he has to meet you
halfway. He has to help you balance those thoughts. He has to soothe your
insecurities."

"That's too ideal," bulong ko.

"And that's what you deserve." She chuckled. "You come from a traumatic
relationship, Mari. Your next one should be as comforting and as reassuring as it
can get."

For some unknown reason, that talk calmed me. Nang makatulog ang kaibigan ay
nagbukas ako ng cellphone at agad na ichineck kung online si Leon. It was a night
routine. Kahit walang update sa profile niya, gustong-gusto kong mag-scroll doon na
para bang hindi ko pa saulado ang posts niya.

I knew I wouldn't message him. Hindi ako kasing tapang niya. Kahit na sinusungitan
ko siya ay patuloy pa rin siyang nagme-message noon sa akin. Minsan ay para
tanungin kung kumain na 'ko o kung nagpapahinga ba 'ko. Minsan naman ay tungkol
lang sa mga libro. Those were some of the small things I brushed off because I
thought he was just giving me mixed signals.

But then, when I opened our chat box, I saw three dots — the same three dots that
would appear when someone was typing.

Napakurap ako sa nakita. Ang huling message pa namin sa isa't isa ay noong
napagsalitaan ko siya.

I wonder if he goes over our conversation. Sana ay hindi. Noon kasing nag-backread
ako ay napagtanto kong wala man lang akong mabait na reply sa kanya. Even during
the times when he sent me his notes, minsan ay hindi ako nagre-reply at minsan
naman ay isang "thanks" lang ang sagot ko.

The three dots disappeared, and soon enough, a blue circle emerged around his
profile photo, signifying that he has a Facebook story.

Nanginginig pa ang kamay ko nang buksan ko iyon.

When the time is right, I'll knock on your door and ask for my place again.

When the time is right, I'll stand in the silence next to you to soothe the pain.

When the time is right, I won't have to hold myself restrained.

When the time is right, you'll still find me waiting for you in the lane.
Sleep now, M.

Until the time is right, my feelings for you will remain.

A tear escaped my eye when I realized that after all the things I told him, after
all the glares I threw at him, and after all the thoughts I had for him . . . he
was still there for me . . . patiently and painfully waiting for his right time to
come.

Amari, your chances of being together are not yet over.

Chapter 12 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 12

For so long, I sheltered myself behind high walls, believing that they would
protect and guard me.

I thought that if I stayed alone, no one could hurt me. I thought there wouldn't be
any room for pain to get in.

But when I took a good look at myself, I realized that those walls were just
barriers that were stopping me from growing. Those walls were built just to
suffocate me with the traumatic memories I was forced to live with inside them.

Nang nasa ikatlong taon kami ng kolehiyo ay naging matunog ang hiwalayan nina
Psyche at Leon.

It didn't affect me as much because I knew that they were just faking it and maybe
their contract had ended already. Hindi na rin naman nagulat ang iba dahil hindi na
raw nila madalas makita ang dalawa.

Leon's Facebook story, even if I wasn't sure it was for me, was enough to reassure
me. He was still cold, though. Hindi niya pa rin ako tinatapunan ng tingin at
kapansin-pansin pa rin ang pag-iwas niya.

But I knew that the walls between us would come down sooner or later . . . or maybe
even now.

"All right, class. I need at least three thesis topics from you today. Use the
library or the computer lab to get it done," sabi ni Ma'am Abulencia. "Aantayin ko
hanggang 5 p.m. sa faculty room. Good luck."

I bowed my head as I heard my classmates talking and complaining about how hard
this semester was going to be. Mabilis din ang pagkilos nila, siguro ay para mag-
unahan sa magandang puwesto sa library o para makapamili ng magandang computer sa
lab.

"Pagod na agad ako para bukas!" narinig ko pang reklamo ni Meg bago pumunta sa
partner niya.

Shaira and Zoey just gave me a tap in the back before they exited the room to start
working.
Nag-research naman na ako last week ng magagandang topic kaya puwedeng dito na lang
kaming dalawa ni Leon sa room. May mobile data rin naman ako kung gusto niyang mag-
research pa. I just don't know how to approach him.

Before long, only the two of us were left inside. Wala kaming imikan pero ramdam ko
sa paligid na wala nang ibang naroon kung hindi kami lang.

I slowly lifted my head and saw him getting his bond paper and pen. I drew a deep
breath and gathered the courage to stand up. Agad siyang napatingin sa akin,
bahagyang namimilog ang mga mata. Binigyan ko siya ng isang maliit at ilang na
ngiti bago ako naupo sa tabi niya.

My nose felt as if it was being tickled as his fresh and masculine scent filled the
air.

"Uhm . . ." I cleared my throat. "M-May mga inaral na akong topic na baka
magustuhan mo."

I almost beat myself up when I stuttered. Jusko, Amari! Masyado kang kinakabahan!

"Nasa messenger. Isinend ko sa sarili ko last week . . . wait!" I said, sounding a

little too defensive.

I opened my cellphone and quickly turned on my mobile data. Naramdaman ko ang

parang paglapit niya sa akin na parang sumisilip sa cellphone ko kaya lalo kong
naamoy ang bango niya.

I could see him from my peripheral vision. His lips were pressed together in a grim
line, and the tip of his nose was almost touching my cheeks.

"You're shaking," he said in a low voice. "Hindi ka ba komportable?"

Tanga ba siya?! Malamang hindi!

Still, I shook my head. "Ngalay lang. Ang dami ko kasing inayusan kahapon."

Hindi na siya sumagot. Hinayaan ko na lang din na ganoon ang puwesto namin dahil
mukhang wala naman siyang balak lumayo.

I opened my messenger and searched for my name. Nakatingin pa rin siya sa cellphone
ko habang ko ginagawa iyon.

"Ito," sabi ko sabay pakita sa kanya ng list. "I prepared at least five topics we
can choose from."

I looked up at him and noticed that he was already frowning.

"Wala kang gusto?" kinakabahang tanong ko.

My god! 100 ang naging grade namin sa final requirement namin sa general zoology
dahil kumpleto at organized ang pagkakagawa niya. Nakakahiya naman kung sa topic pa
lang, ligwak na agad ako!

"Una, since quantitative research ang gagawin natin, puwede nating aralin ang
epekto ng body shaming sa self-esteem ng isang tao," I explained. "We can think of
other variables like academic performance, sense of self-worth or . . . I don't
know, self-confidence? Are they the same thing? Hindi, 'di ba?"

I spoke rapidly because I was nervous he would turn down my ideas. I mean, puwede
namang mag-research kami ng bago, pero nakakahiya pa rin!

"Itong pangalawa, we'll check if the youths still hold on to the old values about
premarital sex," sabi ko ulit. "This is too simple, pero kasi, 'di ba? Nagiging
widely accepted na ang pre-marital sex and I think it's kind of interesting to look
into what causes the old values to change."

Huminga ako nang malalim. Nakatitig lang siya sa cellphone ko at walang sinasabi.

"'Yong pangatlo . . . aalamin naman natin 'yong relationship ng music at

personality. By the end of the study, we should have a good understanding of what
kind of personality our respondents have based on the music they listen to."

Lumingon ako sa kanya, naghihintay ng reaksyon o kahit isang salita man lang.

Mukhang naramdaman niya ang paninitig ko dahil napabaling siya sa akin.

"Nakikinig ka ba?" tanong ko.

He licked his lower lip before letting out a sigh. Unti-unti niyang ibinalik ang
tingin sa cellphone ko, magkasalubong pa rin ang kilay.

"The fourth one is good. We'll discover the relationship between a person's
upbringing in a broken family and their general personality," he said. "Puwede
tayong magdagdag ng variables. Other than personality, we could add academic
performance, like what you've said, and probably . . . their viewpoints about being
in a romantic relationship."

Tumango-tango ako. We finally agreed on something.

"Kapag iyan ang napiling topic ni Ma'am, ang magiging respondents natin, obviously,
ay 'yong mga young adults na lumaki sa isang broken family. To test the
personality, siguro puwede nating gamitin 'yong questionnaire ng big five inventory
dahil standardized naman 'yon. Tapos mag-device na lang tayo ng test sa academic
performance at romantic relationship," mahabang litanya ko.

"The fifth one is good, too . . . gender and prison — an assessment of the lessons
learned and experiences gained by LGBTQIA+ inmates," pagbabasa niya. "But it sounds
more like a qualitative study, so we can't conduct it."

"Yeah . . . kasi more on exploration talaga siya. Sayang," I muttered. "So, ano'ng
gusto mo d'yan?"

Napaisip siya. "How about the fourth one?"

Lumabi ako. "Tatlo ang kailangan!"

"Maganda naman lahat." From my cellphone, he then turned to look at me, startling
me a bit. "I'll let you handle the other two."

I had to shrug off the tingling in my heart that was triggered by our gazes locking
before I could pick up the bond paper and pen that were on his armrest. Isinulat ko
roon ang mga topic na napili namin. The first, second, and fourth. Ang pang-apat
ang priority namin kaya sana ay iyon ang ma-approve ni Ma'am.

"Okay na tayo," sabi ko sabay tingin sa orasan na nasa itaas ng white board. "It
took us only twenty minutes."

I couldn't help but smile when I realized that we had talked casually like normal
thesis partners do. Pagkatapos nito ay siguradong gagawa na kami ng titles at
chapters 1 to 3 ng lahat ng topic na 'to. Then we would have a title defense before
we could finally decide which of the three topics would be used to render chapters
4 and 5. Ang mapipili ang magiging final thesis namin.

Tatayo na sana ako para bumalik sa puwesto ko nang tumikhim siya.

"Nakakachat mo si Paolo?" he asked.

Agad na napaawang ang labi ko. "Huh?"

He frowned. "He greeted you good morning."

"Ah!" I chuckled awkwardly. "Oo . . . nagcha-chat siya sa 'kin nitong summer."

Lalong lumalim ang kunot sa noo niya. Great, Amari! Nasaan ang tapang mo?!

Pero kasi naman! How could I treat him the same way I did before when I knew he
really cared about me? O kahit hindi ako! Basta, 'yong nasa Facebook story niya!
Kung para kanino man 'yon! He was thoughtful! Paano ako magmamaldita?!

"Why is he given an exemption?" he asked in a grumpy way. "I thought you didn't
like getting messages that don't say anything important?"

I got up from the chair and stood in front of him, placing each of my closed fists
on either side of my waist. Is he really that jealous now?!

"Nag-reply ba 'ko?" pagtatanong ko.

He gazed up at me while maintaining his frown. "Hindi mo naman sinusungitan," sabi

niya pa.

"Ano naman?" pagmamaldita ko.

I can't help it when he's testing my patience!

He sighed before shaking his head. "Go back to your seat."

I gave him a mean look and stomped my feet as I walked to my seat to show how
annoyed I was. Hindi ko alam kung bakit naiinis ako! Eh, hindi ko naman talaga
nirereplyan si Paolo! Ano'ng isinisimangot niya?!

Our topics were approved right away, so we planned to write the necessary chapters
for each one. We will have our title defense three months from now, after our final
exams. Marami pang oras, pero hindi naman kami para magpapetiks-petiks dahil pareho
kaming may inaalagaang grades.

Mas maluwag na rin ang schedule namin ngayong sem dahil 19 units na lang kami,
hindi gaya noong mga naunang taon na hindi bumababa ng 25.

A unit is a number that shows how many college credits a course or subject gets. At
our college, one unit of credit is equal to one hour of lecture per week. Ibig
sabihin, kung 19 units kami, 19 hours of lecture iyon sa buong linggo. Kaya lang,
mayroon kaming isang laboratory na 3 units ang katumbas pero limang oras ang
itinatagal! Tuloy ay parang 21 units kami!

Our thesis course, Research in Psychology, is taught entirely on Saturdays. Monday

to Friday pa rin naman ang pasok namin pero mas maaga na ang uwian. Nakakainis lang
dahil imbes na isiksik na lang nila ang schedule namin para kaunting araw na lang
kaming papasok ay hindi pa nila nagawa! Tuloy ay may Saturday classes pa kami!

"Do the introduction, background of the study, and statement of the problem of the
first topic. I'll do the second and fourth," sabi ni Leon habang nasa library kami,
unang Sabado ng paggagawa namin ng thesis. "We'll switch our topics later."

Sumimangot ako. Ang dami naman agad!

"What?" he asked. "Did you work last night? Pagod ka?"

Agad na umiling ako. "Gusto ko lang magreklamo, bakit ba?"

Hindi na niya ako pinansin. Tumayo siya at mabilis na nilapitan ang librarian para
magpa-operate ng isang computer. Lalakad na sana ako palapit sa kanila nang umiling
siya sa akin.

"Do'n ka sa 4," he said as he pointed to the computer. "It has a softer keyboard."

Parang tuta akong sumunod sa kanya. Nakakainis na, ha! Simula no'ng nag-thesis
kami, talagang parang naging taga-sunod lang ako! Hindi naman ako makapagreklamo
kasi magaganda ang point niya!

"'Wag ka d'yan sa 3, medyo mahirap igalaw ang mouse," narinig kong saad ng
librarian sa kanya.

"Okay lang po," sagot niya.

Nakaupo na ako sa tapat ng itinuro niyang computer nang tumayo siya sa likuran ko.
I turned my body around and glanced up at him, confused as to what the heck he was
doing behind me rather than sitting at the computer that was assigned to him.

"Let's get started, shall we?" pagmamarunong ko.

He was looking at my computer screen, so I was shocked when he suddenly bent down
to grab my mouse and pressed something on the keyboard with his other hand,
trapping me in his arms.

Napaharap agad ako sa monitor habang nararamdaman ang labis na pag-iinit ng pisngi
at pagsikdo ng dibdib.

His face was on my right, close enough that if I turned my head toward him, I'd be
kissing his cheek as he integrated the computer to the internet connection. Habang
ginagawa iyon ay pinigilan ko ang aking paghinga. I felt like he would know how he
made me feel as soon as I breathed.

"B-Bilisan mo!" I grumbled, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks.

"What's your shampoo?" tanong niya na lalong nagpabilis ng tibok ng puso ko.

I gritted my teeth. "Mind-your-own-business shampoo!"

He chuckled softly as he stepped away from my back. I couldn't help but let out a
deep exhale when he drew up a chair and set it down next to me. Binuksan niya ang
computer niya at nagsimulang mag-type na parang wala siyang ginawang circus sa
dibdib ko!

"Start working, vanilla girl."

I gave him a hard look. "Vanilla girl?"

"It's the scent of your hair."

Hinawakan ko ang dulo ng buhok ko at inamoy iyon.

"Ang dami mong arte!" saad ko na lang.

I started writing on my paper, and after everything that he had done to me, I did
my best not to become overly emotional and mushy. First, he seemed to be jealous,
and now he'd sniff my hair?! Ano'ng susunod? Aamin na ako sa kanya? Wala nang
waiting game? Jusko! Balak niya yata akong gawing tangang-tanga sa kanya!

"Where do you wanna have lunch?" he asked after almost two hours of complete
silence.

I pursed my lips. "Kasabay ko sina Shaira at Zoey. Nasa computer lab lang sila."

"Oh." He cleared his throat. "Okay."

Lahat kaming magkaklase, matapos pumirma sa attendance sheet kay Ma'am Abulencia,
ay kanya-kanya na ng paghahanap ng lugar kung saan puwedeng gumawa ng research. We
would have our progress checked after that. Mayroong iba na sa bahay gumawa.
Mayroon din namang gaya namin ni Leon na nasa school lang.

Ang section lang namin ang may Saturday class dahil ang 3-B at 3-C ay tuwing
weekdays. Ang daya nga, eh! Dapat ay ganoon na lang din ang amin para
nakakapagtrabaho pa ako!

I sighed when I realized that Leon had no friends to eat with. I mean, may mga
kaklase naman kaming kaibigan niya rin pero halos lahat sila ay hindi naman
mahagilap.

"Sasabay ka?" I asked after giving it some thought.

From the corner of my eye, I saw him turn and look at me, his lips kind of part.

"Can I?" mahinang tanong niya.

I shrugged and acted as if his gentle, raspy voice didn't tug at some strings in my
heart.

"Ikaw ang bahala."

I had a firm grip on my mouse as I realized that the walls that separated us were
slowly, piece by piece, disappearing into the background.

He wasn't as cold as he used to be, and I don't think he ever was. Lumalayo lang
ako sa kanya, pero hindi talaga nagbago ang pakikitungo niya sa akin. At kung
nagbago man, alam kong dahil din iyon sa mga nasabi ko.

"Leon, sino 'yong M sa story mo, ha?!" ekseheradang tanong ni Zoey nang makaupo si
Leon sa mesa namin bitbit ang pagkain naming lahat. "Ngayon lang kita matatanong
dahil ngayon lang tayo nagka-usap ulit!"

My cheeks flushed. Unang inilagay ni Leon ang pinggan ko sa tapat ko. Nag-abot ako
kanina ng bayad sa kanya pero hindi niya tinanggap. Pero kinuha niya naman 'yong
kina Shaira at Zoey! Buo rin naman 'yon!

"May pa-delete ka pang nalalaman. Buti na lang mabilis ang kamay ko!" tawa pa ng
babae.

"Ha-ha. Can't relate," singit ni Shaira. "Isa ako sa Samahan ng Mga Hindi Ina-
accept ni Leon."

"I didn't see your request," he said as he gave them their plates.

Nagbigay siya ng tissue sa dalawang babae bago inilagay ang lahat ng natira sa tabi
ng pinggan ko, ni walang itinira sa kanya.

"Matagal-tagal na 'yon. Muntik na ngang mawala sa isip ko," pagdaldal pa ni Zoey na

parang wala si Leon sa paligid.

"Ingay . . ." suway ko.

"Ay, sorry po, Ms. Quiet," pang-aasar ni Shaira.

Umiling lang ako. While Shaira and Zoey were chatting away nonstop as if the
process of writing the thesis wasn't causing them any stress, Leon and I were
sitting next to each other and maintaining our silence.

Bicol express at hamonado ang kinuhang ulam sa akin ni Leon. Hindi ko alam kung
magkano ito pero siguradong lampas fifty pesos! Badtrip tuloy! Nagtitipid 'yong
tao, eh!

"Mamaya ko na babayaran," sabi ko sa kanya bago dinampot ang kutsara at tinidor.

Hindi naman siya sumagot.

"Ano nga, Leon?" maya-maya'y tanong ulit ni Zoey.

Tumawa si Shaira. "Get the gist of it, girl! Jusko ka!"

Lumabi si Zoey. "Huh?"

"Sino bang ex? Shunga mo," bulong ni Shaira. "Maria Psyche 'yon, ah?"

I coughed to clear my throat and then continued eating. Ako ang nahihiya sa inaasal
ng dalawa dahil kung mapag-chismisan talaga nila ang lalaki ay parang wala ito sa
harap nila!

At isa pa, nagpapanggap lang sila ni Psyche! Hindi naman para mag-story nang ganoon
si Leon para sa kanya! Bwisit!

"I wasn't referring to Psyche," Leon clarified.

"Eh?" bulaslas ni Shaira. "Nito lang kayo nag-break, ah? May affair ka?"

I swear to god, I wanted to put my hand over her lips to keep her from talking so
much!

"I never dated her," sagot pa rin ni Leon.

Goodness! He might say what kind of relationship he has with Psyche!

Shaira chuckled. "Sus, PDA na PDA, eh! 'Wag ka nang mahiya sa 'min! Magiging
gan'yan din naman kami ng bestfriend mo kapag nagtagal."

"Shaira!" suway ko.

"Hindi ko naging girlfriend si Psyche . . . at hindi rin siya ang tinutukoy ko sa
story ko," pinal na saad ni Leon.

We were silent for a while. Nagpatuloy kami sa pagkain at nagsimulang pag-usapan

ang ibang bagay kaya akala ko ay tapos na kami sa usaping iyon.

"Kung hindi si Psyche, sino?" kuryosong tanong ni Zoey.

Napapikit ako sa inis. I put my spoon and fork down and leaned back against the
chair, staring at Shaira and Zoey in distress. Sa pagiging chismosa nila ay
matatakot nang sumabay ang kahit na sino sa amin!

Leon moved his head in my direction, drawing my attention to him.

"Huh?!" Shaira exclaimed.

"Huh . . . bakit?" nagtatakang tanong ni Zoey. "Bakit ka sumisigaw, 'te?"

"Gago." Nanlalaki ang mata ni Shaira. "Si Mari 'yon?"

I could feel my eyes growing larger and my cheeks getting warmer. "Huh?! Ba't
nadamay ako?!"

She scoffed. "He gestured at you!"

"Wow!" bulaslas ni Zoey.

Lalong nag-init ang mukha ko. I was going to punch Leon in the leg under the table
because he wasn't saying anything, but to my shock and horror, he just took my hand
and lightly squeezed one of my knuckles, jolting me to the very center of my being.

"Ano ba?!" I managed to say after calming myself. "A-Ayusin mo nga 'yang mga
ginagawa mo!"

He cocked his head to one side and smiled faintly as he focused his attention on
the food in front of him. "Sorry. Nagulat lang."

"Tangina, I was right." Shaira stood up and pounded her chest with her closed fist.
"Queen Shaira was right!"

Napakamot sa ulo si Zoey, takang-taka sa nangyayari. "Ano raw?"

Tumawa si Shaira. "Hindi ko na alam kung kanino ko ishi-ship ang maganda kong
friend! Grabe na 'to!"

I couldn't say anything. I knew I didn't have to explain things to Shaira because
she quickly got that Leon's Facebook story was about me. Hindi rin naman siya
itinama ni Leon.

My emotions are all over the place. At the back of my head, I knew I should be
writhing in rage because Leon was out there, subtly exposing his feelings for
me . . . but in my heart, I knew that my doubts about him were fading away because
of his continuous assurance.

He really likes me! Gago! Ito na talaga 'yong confirmation!

That was by far the messiest lunch I'd ever had. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong
magsisi na hinayaan kong sumabay sa amin si Leon o matuwa dahil, at least, hindi ko
na kailangang magpanggap na hindi para sa akin 'yong story niya.

He'll wait for me, huh? Eh, ano 'tong ginagawa niya?! Nilalandi niya ako habang
naghihintay! Puwede ba 'yon?!

Hindi ko tuloy natapos ang pinapagawa niya! Background of the study at kalahating
introduction lang ang naisulat ko kaiisip samantalang siya ay natapos ang kanya! To
think na dalawang study pa 'yong ginawan niya!

"Hatid na kita."

See?! See?! Paano ako makakapag-isip kung gan'yan siya ka-straightforward?!

"Sorry . . . am I making you uncomfortable?" tanong niya.

Nasa waiting shed kami ngayon at naghihintay ng masasakyan. Kapapasa lang namin ng
progress report kay Ma'am Abulencia. I haven't spoken since lunchtime. Nahihiya
kasi ako. I wasn't used to him showing me this side of himself.

My gaze was drawn to him, the late-afternoon haze and the stray beam of sunlight
emphasizing his physique.

I've known him for a long time, but I've learned very little about him. Alam kong
suplado siya at tahimik pero sa iilang beses na kasama niya ako ay lagi niya akong
pinagsisilbihan. He likes it when I smile at him, as if it were a rare thing to
see. He was competitive but not overly so. Gusto niyang nananalo, pero marunong din
tumanggap ng pagkatalo.

Maybe Shaira was right from the start. Baka nga . . . gusto niya ako noon pa.

Maybe through his hidden grins whenever I rolled my eyes at him or through the
dilation of his eyes whenever our gazes crossed, he was trying to communicate
something to me that went beyond what my eyes could see.

I only know a little about him . . . yet I like him this much.

Nakakatakot na baka kapag kinilala ko siya, lalo akong mahulog sa kanya. We still
have a lot of time to spend together, and if he keeps showing me how much he likes
me, I might really, really consider falling in love with him.

I took a deep breath. "What exactly are you doing, Zamora?" tanong ko. "Kung ako
talaga 'yong nasa Facebook story mo . . . akala ko ba ay maghihintay ka? Right
time, sabi mo."

He poked his tongue against his inner cheek as he turned away. Nagsalubong ang
kilay niya na para bang may naalala siyang kagalit-galit.

"Tapos ano? Mauungusan ako ng manliligaw mo?" Rinig na rinig ko ang pagseselos sa
tinig niya.

I gritted my teeth and felt my heart pounding hard against my chest. "Hindi ko nga
gusto si Paolo!"

"Hindi mo rin naman ako gusto . . ." He chuckled as he bowed his head, a tinge of
pain visible in his eyes. "I want to be patient and wait for you, but I can't sleep
knowing that someone else was messaging you when I wasn't even allowed to."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nasaktan ako para sa kanya. It was as if he let go of his
fear of telling me how he really felt, but he got nothing in return.
Gusto ko rin naman siya. Kaya nga pinipigilan ko, eh. Kaya nga hindi ko ineengganyo
kung ano mang puwedeng mamagitan sa amin. Kasi baka magsawa agad siya sa akin . . .
baka ayawan niya agad ako.

"I like you so much, Mendoza."

The sounds of passing vehicles drowned out his words in the ocean of my heart,
pulling at all the strings that could be yanked within, probably begging for help
because they were sinking too far.

"If it isn't clear to you . . . if it isn't obvious to you . . ." he said lowly.
"Gustong-gusto kita."

I gulped. It was a beautiful late afternoon outside our university. The skies were
etched with a tinge of gold as the sun was preparing to set, and a sliver of deep
blue and purple when dusk came to unveil itself . . . and here he was, pouring his
emotions to me amid this picturesque sight.

"Kahit ang sakit mo na minsan," tawa niya. "Kahit parang diring-diri ka pa sa

'kin . . ."

"I'm never disgusted!" I said hastily.

He shook his head, smiling in disbelief. "I like you so much I can't even stay
mad."

"S-Stop," I blurted out just to say something.

"Amari . . ."

My heart constricted in both pain and joy when he finally . . . finally called me
by my first name. His dark eyes were filled with emotions as they met my brown
ones.

"Can I show you how I really feel?" he asked gently. "You can shout and even throw
things at me all you want, but can I like you without restrictions?" Bahagyang
nanginig ang boses niya. "Can I flirt with you like . . . Paolo did?"

I looked at him for a long time and realized that he always had such sincere eyes.
The same eyes that made me feel a lot of different things before I admitted to
myself that I liked him.

"Nagseselos ka ba talaga?" tanong ko, unti-unting nanghihina sa tingin niya.

He nodded like a child wanting to be comforted.

"I'll tell him to . . . stop messaging me then," I whispered.

Pumungay ang mga mata niya. "You'll do that?"

I nodded slowly. "And for the record, I don't throw things, Zamora."

Maybe there's nothing wrong with being a little less careful, right? I'm going to
take it easy, and I'm sure Leon will as well.

Because, in the end, I was the one who built those high walls, and I was also the
only one who could break them down.
 Chapter 13 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 13

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Hi, Paolo. Can we talk?

Matapos akong ihatid ni Leon sa kanto ng apartment namin ay iminessage ko na si

Paolo. I wasn't lying when I said that I don't usually reply to him. Sumasagot lang
ako minsan kapag may tanong siya tungkol sa school. But other than that, I don't
entertain his messages.

Paolo Ramos: Hi, Mari! Kauuwi mo lang ba? How's your thesis? And what do you want
us to talk about? So glad you messaged me first :)

I breathed out as I leaned back on the sofa. Karsen was on her phone next to me
while Mill was working on something with her laptop on the floor. Si Kat naman ay
namamlantsa ng uniform niya para sa Lunes.

I was glad that Mill was preoccupied because otherwise, she could have teased me
about how red I looked at the moment. Paano ba naman kasi ay hindi pa rin ako
makakalma sa pag-uusap namin ni Leon.

Umiling ako at nagtipa na ng reply kay Paolo. I shouldn't let Leon dominate my head
again. May kailangan pa akong kausapin para matigil na ang pag-iinarte niya!

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I don't want to be rude, but I'm not comfortable getting
messages from you. I'm sorry.

Paolo Ramos: Oh.

Paolo Ramos: May mali ba akong nasabi? Ayaw mo bang tinatanong ka kung ano'ng
ginagawa mo o kung kumain ka na? I'd like to know why so that I can make
improvements to the way I do things.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'm just not comfortable, Paolo. I'm sorry to be so direct
with you, but I don't see the point in getting to know you. You're a really nice
guy, but I honestly don't think we'll get there. Thank you for understanding.

I closed our chat box after I hit the send button. Maiintindihan niya naman iyon.
It wasn't like I misled him into thinking we could date. Bilang na bilang nga sa
daliri kung iilang beses kaming nag-usap . . . and I'm not feeling it.

"Amari . . ."

I felt a rush of warmth on my face when I recalled Leon calling me by my first

name. I put my hand on my chest to try to calm my heart, but nothing happened.

God, how can I stop liking that guy? We have a lot of things to work on!

"Badtrip na badtrip ako sa assignment ko tapos pag-angat ko ng tingin, makikita ko

lang na namumula ka? Parang gago amputa," inis na pagpuna sa akin ni Mill.

I felt my friends' eyes on me. Awtomatikong napahawak ako sa pisngi ko at

naramdaman ko ang init nito.

"Masama ang pakiramdam ko!" sagot ko kay Mill nang makabawi. "Lalong sumama ngayong
nakita ko 'yang mukha mo!"
Karsen let out a soft laugh, and Mill gave her a frown that immediately caused her
to bow her head while her lips were still pursed from laughing.

"Uminom ka ng gamot do'n," sabi ni Kat. "Wala ka namang pasok bukas, 'di ba? 'Wag
ka na munang magtrabaho at baka tuluyang maging lagnat 'yan."

Mill scowled. "Katana, may nilalagnat bang gan'yan ka-gago? 'Wag nang painumin ng
gamot! Sayang lang ang pera! Hayaan na lang na mag-kumbulsyon 'yan."

I made a face. Millicent just couldn't take a break, could she?

"Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng insecurity . . ." pang-aasar ko na lang.

Mula sa pagkakaupo ay tuluyan akong nahiga sa sofa. I put my legs in Karsen's lap
to straighten my body while my head was placed on the arm rest.

"Kung hindi ko lang alam na busy sa thesis 'tong si Amari, iisipin kong
nakikipaglandian 'to, eh," saad ni Mill. "Kaya lang, wala naman 'tong ibang
nakakasama bukod sa mga kaklase niya. Malabo namang may magustuhan siya ro'n at
kakaunti ang lalaki sa psychology."

I squinted at her. "Totoo pala 'yong sinasabi nilang chismosa ang mga journalism
student, 'no?"

Ibinalik ko ang atensyon sa cellphone nang maramdaman ang sunod-sunod na pag-vi-

vibrate nito.

Binuksan ko ang Facebook app at ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang tumambad sa akin
ang napakaraming notifications! I scanned through it immediately, and I forced
myself not to let out a startled gasp when I saw that they were all from Leon!

Nagmamadali akong tiningnan isa-isa iyon. He liked my old pictures! Kapag maganda
ang kuha ay ini-he-heart niya! And mind you, he almost loved all of them!

I was about to talk to him when my group chat with Meg, Zoey, and Shaira popped up.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: te @Amari Sloane Mendoza chika ka naman kung kailan ka naging
bet ni leon

Zoey Alfaro: Nililigawan ka ba? Paano kayo gagawa ng thesis n'yan? In-explain
kanina ni Shaira sa akin ang nangyari. Though I expected it before, hindi ko alam
na tutuloy ngayon. And, paano si Pao? I thought he was making a move on you.

Mary Grace Andrade: anong nangyayari hahahahaha isang araw lang akong nalayo sa
inyo hindi nyo na agad ako kaibigan

Shaira Ylane Chavez: meg shuta our ship is sailing!!!!!!!!!!

Shaira Ylane Chavez: wag puro seen mari aba magkwento ka gago kunwari ka pang di mo
type

I closed our group chat and put my phone on my chest.

It was really happening, wasn't it?

Alam na talaga nilang may namamagitan sa amin ni Leon!

I shrugged everything off. Tumayo ako at pumunta sa silid namin ni Kat para
ipagpatuloy ang nasimulang thesis kanina. This should be a good distraction to help
me stop thinking about Leon for a while. Gusto namin ang isa't isa pero hindi ibig
sabihin noon ay kakalimutan ko na ang grades ko na kailangan kong alagaan.

That night, before going to bed, I got a message from him in which he wished me
good night and apologized for the hasty confession he had just made.

Hindi ako nag-reply. If I do, I may wind up chatting with him for the rest of the
night. Pareho kaming may trabaho at ang pakikipag-usap sa isa't isa ay puwedeng
makahadlang sa amin na gawin ang mga ito.

When Monday rolled along, I felt like I'd been dragged through the mud.

I didn't sleep a wink because I was too busy with work and my thesis to keep my
mind off of Leon. Dahil late na akong nagising, wala na akong oras para magbasa pa
ng buhok. I only gave myself a quick shower before rushing to get to school because
I didn't want to be late for my class.

"Monday pa lang pero 'yong mukha mo pang-Friday na!" narinig ko pang pang-aasar ni
Mill bago ako lumabas ng apartment.

Hindi ko na siya nasagot. Madaling-madali ako papunta sa school at sa kabutihang

palad naman ay nauna ako kaysa sa instructor namin.

Nice pull, Amari. May nagkakagusto sa 'yo sa room n'yo tapos ang pangit mo ngayon.

I breathed out before taking a seat. Agad na sumiksik sa akin sina Meg, Shaira, at
Zoey na parang may dala akong chismis para sa kanila. Paano ay hindi naman ako
sumagot sa group chat namin.

"Mamaya na," sabi ko bago pa sila makapagsalita.

Tumawa si Shaira. "Hindi ko sure tuloy kung may nakakalandian ka. Hindi ka blooming
today, eh."

I frowned. "Ang dami kong ginawa, okay?"

"Feeling ko hindi ka nagbasa ng buhok. May pa-messy bun ka, eh," pang-aasar pa ni
Meg.

Zoey chuckled. "Hindi naman pumapangit si Mari."

Habang nag-iinarte sila sa paligid ko ay hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin kay Leon.

He had a book in his hands, but all of his attention was on me. When he saw me
looking at him, he grinned a little and lowered his head to the book, para bang
hinihintay niya lang na mapatingin ako sa kanya.

"'Yon, oh!" maarteng sigaw ni Shaira na tila nakita ang lahat. "Sino ba namang
makakapagpangiti sa isang Leon Ysmael nang gano'n?!"

I palmed my face in frustration. Hindi puwedeng malaman ng iba naming kaklase na

may landian nang nagaganap sa amin kung hindi ay uulanin kami ng asar! And I feel
ugly today! Sana naman ay huwag niya akong lapitan para sa thesis!

Our instructor came and got the discussion started. From time to time, I would
notice Leon looking at me. Sometimes, he'd look away and smile. Sometimes, he
wouldn't stop staring. Napapakunot na lang ang noo ko sa kalandian niya habang
pilit na itinutuon ang atensyon sa klase.
For our next class, I didn't expect it to be both fun and informative. Ms. Lubrica,
who taught one of our most important classes, Psychological Assessment, told us to
draw two people on a blank piece of bond paper for an activity. Isang babae, isang
lalaki. Nilagyan namin ng number 1 at 2 kung ano sa dalawa ang nauna naming iguhit.

Wala namang time pressure pero sa loob lang ng fifteen minutes ay tapos na kaming
lahat. We gave her our papers, and she stacked them on her table.

"So, meron akong isang folder ng interpretations dito at bibigyan ko ng oras ang
estudyanteng matatawag para i-explain o i-interpret ang nakikita nila sa drawing
gamit ang guide natin," sabi ni Ma'am.

"For example, maraming erasure 'yong drawing. From the interpretation guide, we can
say that the person who drew it was indecisive or dissatisfied sa sarili niya. We
can also say that this person might show signs of anxiety. Do you get it, class?"
dagdag niya pa.

"Yes, ma'am," we answered.

"Bubunot ako ng drawing at mag-volunteer na lang 'yong gustong mag-interpret."

"Hinding-hindi ako mag-vo-volunteer," tawa ni Shaira.

"I heard you, Ms. Chavez . . ."

Shaira chuckled nervously. "Joke lang, ma'am. Excited nga ako, eh."

Ms. Lubrica shook her head as she straightened our papers and picked up the one in
the middle.

"Mr. Zamora . . ." basa niya sa pangalan bago lumingon kay Leon.

Nanliit ang mga mata niya. She then took a quick look at me, which caught me off
guard, and then her eyes went back to the drawing.

"Hmm, interesting," she said. "Puwede bang i-interpret 'to, Mr. Zamora?"

I didn't know why it had gotten me nervous. I looked at Leon. He was now leaning on
his chair; his right calf was resting on his left knee lazily.

"Yes, ma'am," he replied.

"Thank you," sabi ni Ma'am. "Who wants to volunteer?"

"Ehem . . . Amari . . . ehem!" pambubwisit ni Shaira.

I glared at her. "Ikaw kaya?"

"Ms. Mendoza?" tanong ni Ma'am.

Great!

I faked a smile and looked at her. "Yes, ma'am?"

"Gusto mong mag-interpret?"

I took a deep breath and once again, glanced at Leon. Bahagyang napataas ang kilay
niya nang magtama ang tingin namin. He suddenly sat up straight and fixed his
glasses as if he were a good student. Well, of course . . . he is.
Recitation 'yan, Amari. Grab the chance.

I stood up and walked in front with confidence. "I think I can, ma'am."

Ngumiti siya. "As expected from you." She handed me the paper. "Okay, begin."

My eyes dropped on the bond paper, and I couldn't help but make a crease on my
forehead when I saw Leon's drawing.

Well, the woman surprisingly looked like . . . someone.

She was wearing the same all-white uniform as us. Her hair was up in a messy bun,
with a few stray curls outlining her cheeks and jaw. Her eyes were also gleaming
with joy.

And the guy he drew was familiar as well! Mas matangkad ito sa babae, nakasalamin
at may maliit na ngiti sa labi. They were standing or walking next to each other,
wearing the same uniform!

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa lalaki. He looked angry from the way his eyebrows were
furrowed, but I could see that his ears were red!

Tama 'yan! Mahiya ka! Who in their right mind would draw me for a personality
test?! At sino 'tong kasama ko?! Ikaw?!

I cleared my throat and tried not to shiver at the thought of someone drawing me.
Kinuha ko ang folder kung saan nakalagay ang interpretation guide at sinimulang i-
analyze ang drawing ni Leon.

"Uhm . . . erasures are in moderation," I started.

"Please show the drawing to the class, Ms. Mendoza."

I gulped. "B-Baka po hindi komportable si Mr. Zamora, ma'am."

"Mr. Zamora?" tanong ni Ms. Lubrica sa lalaki.

I glanced at him and then gently shook my head. He sketched both of us, and our
classmates might recognize it because he drew so well!

Mukhang nakuha niya naman ang ibig kong sabihin dahil umiling siya kay Ma'am.

"I'm not comfortable, ma'am," he answered.

Ms. Lubrica chuckled. "Okay, then."

Napabuga ako ng hangin. Isang irap pa sa lalaki bago ko muling tiningnan ang
interpretation guide.

I don't think his drawing will show how important the test was because it was
literally just us! He didn't demonstrate any creative ability at all! Idinrawing
niya lang kung ano ang itsura ko ngayon at kung ano sa tingin niyang itsura niya!

"His drawings were consistent, well-proportioned, and detailed, but not

excessively," saad ko. "This suggests that Mr. Zamora was an intelligent adult."
Para namang hindi pa given 'yon. "The figures seem like they're walking, so I think
their active movements imply that he's the type of person who is willing to work
through his problems."
"Naks, swerte ng magiging jowa!" pagpaparinig ni Meg.

I fought the urge to glare at her before continuing. "The woman figure has cupid-
bow-shaped lips, which proposes," I trailed off as I looked over at the guide,
"adolescent erotism or sexual desire . . . and youthful lust?"

Namimilog ang mga mata kong napatingin kay Leon na ngayon ay seryoso lang na
nakatitig sa akin.

Huh! I am judging you!

I flipped back to the guide and scanned it several times before putting it away.

"Ma'am, I can't tell you more about his drawing because, according to the guide,
the figures show that Mr. Zamora is healthy and normal," I said after a while.

Kinuha sa akin ni Ms. Lubrica ang bond paper, nakangisi at parang nang-aasar.

"Many different meanings can be extracted from drawings that are created by
individuals who want to express their thoughts and feelings to the people whom the
drawings depict," saad ni Ma'am sa klase. "Kumbaga, may mga taong nag-d-drawing ng
artista o isang kilalang personalidad. Puwedeng hinahangaan nila 'yon o hinihiling
nilang sila mismo 'yon. Maraming dahilan . . ."

I walked toward my seat and listened to her.

"Meron namang nag-d-drawing ng magulang, kapatid, o sarili nila," she added. "In
these cases, the examiner should ask the person who draws the figure what that
means."

She then sat a little closer to the edge of her table and looked at Leon, sending
shivers down my spine.

"So, Mr. Zamora . . ." she muttered. "'Yong drawing mo ba ay totoong tao o hindi?"

I stopped myself from looking at him.

"Totoo po, ma'am," he answered, his voice deep and clear.

"What is this person to you?" tanong pa ni Ma'am.

I lowered my gaze and pretended I was doing something in my notebook.

"The male figure was me, and the female figure was someone very . . . important to
me."

My heart hammered at his answer. Pakiramdam ko ay nagpunta lahat ng dugo sa mukha

ko. Nakakainis! Pangit na pangit ako sa sarili ko ngayon tapos lalandi siya nang
gan'yan?!

"What are the figures' moods?" pagtatanong ulit ni Ma'am.

"They're happy, ma'am." I could hear assurance in his voice. "Especially the male
figure."

Hindi ko alam kung paano natapos ang klaseng iyon na normal pa ang paghinga ko. My
classmates kept asking me who Leon drew because Ms. Lubrica laughed at his answers
the whole time we were in class, but I didn't answer them. Tanging si Shaira lang
ang nakakuha ng ideya kung sino ang nasa drawing.

Bago mag-uwian ay hinintay kong makaalis sa room ang mga kaklase namin para
mapagsabihan ko si Leon. Kung gaganituhin niya ako nang gaganituhin ay baka hindi
talaga ako makapag-focus sa klase!

Sinabihan ko ang mga kaibigan ko na hintayin ako sa labas ng department namin at

nagsinungaling na makipagkita pa ako kay Ma'am Abulencia para sa thesis namin.
Parang hinihintay din naman ako ni Leon na umalis dahil hindi siya gumalaw sa upuan
niya hanggang sa makalabas na lahat ng kaklase namin.

"May balak ka bang i-announce sa lahat na gusto mo 'ko, ha?" pagsusungit ko.

We were sitting across from each other and were only a few meters apart, so I could
see that he was surprised and delighted.

"Tingnan mo! Alam na tuloy ni Ma'am!" dagdag ko pa. "Ba't ba kasi ako?! Personality
test 'yon, hindi art class!"

He propped his elbow on the armrest and rested his jaw on his knuckles while
looking at me with a spark of happiness in his eyes.

Bigla akong na-conscious sa itsura ko. I didn't apply any makeup to my face earlier
because I was in a hurry, so I know that I look like a disaster right now.

"First of all, I didn't know the drawing would be handed in," he said calmly. "Kung
alam ko lang, hindi ikaw ang idinrawing ko dahil ayoko namang malaman ni Ms.
Lubrica kung gaano kita kagusto."

I forced myself to keep my grimace on despite the fluttering of my heart.

"Kasalanan mo pa rin!"

"I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable," he muttered. "Hindi na mauulit."

"Dapat lang!"

He let out a muffled chuckle while maintaining his intense focus on my face. His
eyes were soft, and the way he looked at me left me feeling as if I were a piece of
art on display in a gallery.

Bago pa man magreklamo ang apat na sulok ng room namin sa staring contest namin,
tumayo na ako at kinuha ang bag ko. There is no chance in hell that I'll spend
another second with him at this place! Not while I'm still looking like a mess!

"Mendoza," tawag niya sa akin bago pa ako makalabas ng room, dahilan para mapatigil
ako.

"Ano?" I asked without looking back at him.

The world had fallen silent around us. It was barely midday, quite close to the
time of lunch. Most of the students who were passing through the hallways had no
idea that there was a red-faced woman tucked away in this room.

"Ang ganda mo ngayon."

It was just one of the many times he made me feel seen and recognized. Matapos kasi
ang araw na iyon ay hindi na siya tumigil sa pagpaparamdam sa akin kung gaano niya
ako kagusto.
On a few occasions, I'd find him sneaking a chocolate bar into my bag. Sometimes it
was a book and sticky notes of his viewpoints, and other times it was a lunchbox
he'd packed himself. Kapag nakikita ko iyon sa loob ng bag ko ay napapatingin ako
sa kanya, pero mukhang wala lang naman sa kanya iyon.

"Sabado na naman!" I complained to myself.

Leon was walking alongside me as we made our way to the library to start the second
chapter of the three studies that we were working on. Dahil sa teamwork namin ng
lalaki ay natapos namin ang chapter 1 nang wala masyadong revision.

"I brought a portable pillow just in case you want to sleep," he said.

Sumimangot ako. "Ayokong maging pabigat, 'no!"

One thing that stood out to me about him was that he was too attentive when it came
to me. He was back to being himself, parang noong nasa Davao kami, only that he was
more expressive this time.

"Baka nga lang antukin ka," he insisted.

Inignora ko na lang siya. Pagpasok namin sa library ay nagtaka ako dahil kakaunti
ang tao. Our classmates, whom I thought would be here, are nowhere to be seen.

"Umuwi na ang mga nag-the-thesis," sabi ng librarian sa amin. "Walang internet ang
buong school kaya kung plano n'yong magbukas ng computer, wala kayong maaasahan."

It was as if a bomb was blasted just above our heads. Wala kaming dalang laptop
dahil nga inaasahan naming dito kami gagawa! Ilang Sabado na kaming pumupunta rito
at ngayon pa talaga nawalan ng internet?!

Matagal nang inirereklamo ng mga teachers 'to pero hindi nila magawan ng aksyon!
Ang laki-laki ng ibinabayad ng mga taxpayer para makapag-aral kami nang libre,
tapos ganito naman ang kalidad ng serbisyo?

"Thank you, ma'am," malumanay na saad ni Leon.

I waited until the librarian had left before I frowned.

"Ayokong mag-computer shop. Sakto lang ang dala kong pera. Twenty pesos pa naman
ang isang oras ngayon! Siguradong mahina ang one hundred para sa ating dalawa,"
inis na litanya ko. "Hindi rin naman tayo puwede sa Sway's. Wala tayong laptop at
mahal ang inumin do'n!"

He let out a soft chuckle. Unlike me who was fuming mad, he seemed to be amused at
our situation.

"What do you want us to do then?" tanong niya.

"Malay ko! Alangang makigawa tayo kina Zoey? Nakakahiya! Wala pa tayong dalang
gamit."

Nauna ako palabas ng library at naramdaman ko naman ang pagsunod niya sa akin.

What I liked most about him was that he knew when to make a move on me.

Kapag thesis ay thesis talaga ang ginagawa namin. Kung magpapalipad-hangin man siya
ay sisiguraduhin niyang natatapos pa rin namin ang gawain.
Bukod sa mga kaibigan ko sa room ay wala ring nakaalam ng nararamdaman niya para sa
akin. We still compete against each other head-to-head in recitations and quizzes.
Doon ko naisip na hindi niya talaga ako pinagbibigyan.

"We only have two choices," he said after a while. "Sa apartment n'yo tayo gagawa o
sa bahay namin."

Gulat akong napalingon sa kanya. I looked directly into his eyes to see if he was
joking, but he wasn't!

"Hindi puwede sa apartment!" segunda ko agad.

Jusko, nandoon ang mga kaibigan ko! Baka magulantang sila kapag nakita nila akong
may kasamang lalaking hindi ko kailanman nabanggit sa kanila!

"Edi sa bahay tayo?" tanong niya. "I'll make us lunch before we start. May isa pa
namang laptop si nanay na hindi niya na masyadong ginagamit. You can use that."

Dinaga ang dibdib ko sa kasiguruhan sa tinig niya.

Come on, Amari! Lagi namang second choice ang bahay ng ka-partner kapag hindi
puwede sa school! Hindi ka dapat mag-isip ng kung ano! Mabuti nga at nag-o-offer
siya!

"Wala bang tao ro'n? Nakakahiya yata . . ." I managed to say.

"Nasa palengke pa si nanay pero baka nando'n ang mga kapatid ko," sagot niya.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. I could tolerate that.

"Okay . . ." I agreed.

Pinauna niya ako sa paglalakad at bumuntot lang siya sa akin. Nang makalabas ng
school ay pumara siya ng jeep at muli ay pinauna akong sumakay. Siya na rin ang
nagbayad ng pamasahe namin dahil hindi ako makaimik. Eh, kasi naman! Nahihiya ako!

We were silent the whole ride. Mas malayo ang bahay nila kaysa sa apartment namin
pero hindi rin naman sobrang tagal ng byahe. Dahil hindi rush hour ay wala rin
masyadong pasahero. Tuloy ay napaka-awkward namin! Akala mo naman ay hindi pa siya
umamin sa akin!

Papasok pa sa loob ng isang barangay ang bahay nila. Tumigil muna kami sa kanto
dahil kinuha pa niya ang payong sa loob ng bag niya.

"Walk closer to me," utos niya. "The sun might hurt your skin."

Lumabi ako. "I have a lot of melanin in my skin, so I'm good to go."

Napairap siya sa sagot ko. "Having a lot of melanin doesn't mean you'll never get a
sunburn."

"Punyeta, magsukob na lang kayo!" sigaw ng isang tambay sa kantong pinagtigilan

namin. Ni hindi ko siya napansin kanina roon. "Melanin, melanin! Keaarte n'yo!"

I felt my cheeks heating up. Leon opened the umbrella and I hesitantly inched my
way closer to him. Agad niya itong inilagay sa ibabaw ng aking ulo hanggang sa
puntong halos wala nang matira sa kanya.

"Let's go," he muttered.

I moved closer to him so we could both fit under the umbrella. I felt him move
away. Nagtaka ako kaya lumapit ulit ako sa kanya, pero gaya ng nangyari kanina ay
umatras ulit siya. Kulang na lang ay ibigay na niya ang payong sa akin dahil
kalahating balikat niya lang ang napapayungan!

"Bakit ba ayaw mong lumapit?!" bulyaw ko sa kanya. "May pa-sunburn sunburn ka pa

d'yan tapos hindi ka naman pala magpapayong!"

"I have a lot of melanin," he reasoned out.

I grumpily grabbed his hand on the umbrella's handle and pulled him closer to me.
Naramdaman kong natigilan siya.

Napatingin ako sa kanya at napansin kong ang mga mata niya ay nasa magkapatong na
kamay namin sa handle. He gulped and took a deep breath as he slowly lowered his
gaze on me, jaw clenched and forehead creased.

"You're so stubborn," he said under his breath.

Naramdaman ko ang pag-alis ng kamay niya mula sa hawakan ng payong, ngunit sa loob
lang ng ilang segundo ay ibinalik na niya iyon, ang kanyang mga daliri ay dahan-
dahang binalot ang kamay ko.

I was flustered. He drew me in even closer, and when I tried to take my hand off
the handle, he just tightened his grip, as if asking me to stay put.

His nails were clean and neatly trimmed. Ang kanyang palad ay magaspang ngunit
mainit, at dahil na rin sa matangkad siya ay kapansin-pansin ang mahahaba at
balingkinitan niyang mga daliri.

I pouted. Bakit mas maganda ang mga kamay niya kaysa sa 'kin?! Pati ba naman sa
aspetong 'to ay talo niya 'ko?!

"You've got soft hands for someone who's been working since high school," he
commented.

I felt my heart flutter. "Bitawan mo kaya . . ."

He chuckled. "Tanggalin mo."

I bit my lower lip and didn't do what I was told.

"Ikaw ang bumitaw!" utos ko.

His lips curved into a playful grin. "Ayoko nga."

We were like that until we reached their home. It was a small wooden cabin with
bamboo fences in front, and some of their clothes were hung out to dry on the side,
as if they had just been laundered.

Bahagya akong sumulyap sa kanya at napangiti ako nang wala akong nakitang hiya o
pangamba sa mata niya.

Binitawan niya ang hawakan ng payong at kinuha ang mga sinampay. He draped them
over his arms before nearing me.

"Pasok ka," he instructed while opening the fences.

As soon as I stepped inside, I was struck by how clean everything looked. Ang
daanan na yari sa kahoy ay halos sampung metro lang ang haba, pero nagawa nilang
hanayan ito ng mga halaman kaya nagmukha itong maaliwalas.

May maliit silang terrace kung saan nakalagay ang mga sapatos at tsinelas nila.
Some of the shoes looked like they had been thrown together, but the ones I had
seen him wear were in order. Tumingala ako at ganoon na lang ang paninikip ng
dibdib ko nang makitang halos bumagsak na ang kisame nila.

"Aayusin ko 'yan bukas," untag ni Leon habang inaayos ang mga sapatos. Ang mga
damit na kinuha niya ay nakasukbit na sa balikat niya. "No'ng isang linggo lang
nasira. Nag-withdraw na ako no'ng isang araw para makabili ng materyales."

He was quite hands-on. He was too all-around. Paano siya nakakapag-aral kung marami
siyang ginagawa?

He cleared his throat as he stood straight. "Wala kaming WiFi pala. May tree house
kami sa farm ni nanay. May signal do'n kaya do'n tayo gagawa. May load din naman
'yong broadband . . ."

I pursed my lips and nodded slowly. Napangiti siya sa reaksyon ko.

Binuksan niya ang pinto at bumungad sa amin ang kambal na kapatid niya na
nakahilata sa banig at nanonood ng TV habang ang mga pinagkainan ay nasa paligid
lang nila.

"Kuya!" bulaslas ng isa bago napatingin sa akin.

Pasimple niyang sinipa ang kakambal na pupungas-pungas na bumangon.

I expected Leon to scold his brothers for being so lazy when there were chores to
do, but instead, he approached them and began playing with their hair.

"Ano'ng inulam n'yo?" tanong niya sa dalawa.

For heaven's sake, they're teens! They're capable of cleaning their house!

"Kumuha kami ni Nash sa pitaka mo," sagot ng isa. "Bumili na lang kay Aling Yolly."

"Akala ko nagluto si nanay bago umalis?"

"Paksiw na bangus," Nash cringed.

Hindi ko alam kung ganito talaga ang relasyon nila . . . pero naiinis ako. Kung
kapatid ko ang dalawa ay tiyak na iiyak sila sa akin. Ayoko sa mga tamad. Kita na
nilang nahihirapan ang kuya nila tapos sa mga simpleng bagay ay hindi pa sila
maasahan.

Leon looked at me as he put down the clothes on the mat. "Mga kapatid ko, sina Nash
at Nathaniel."

I tried my hardest to throw on a happy face. "Magandang tanghali . . ."

"Ate Amari n'yo," sabi naman niya sa kambal. "Ka-partner ko."

The twins returned my greeting, and it wasn't long until they locked themselves
away in their room. Leon started cleaning for a while, and as he was washing his
brothers' dishes, I decided to help him by folding the clothes.
I was good at it, so by the time he came back, I was already done.

Namilog ang mga mata niya nang makitang nakatiklop na ang mga damit. Akmang gusto
niya pa akong pagalitan pero pinagtaasan ko agad siya ng kilay.

He sighed. "I'll cook. Ano'ng gusto mo?"

Naiinis ako na masyado siyang masipag at mabait! Ba't hindi niya pinagsabihan ang
mga kapatid niya?!

"Paksiw," I answered because I didn't want him to cook anymore.

God, he needs to take a break!

He motioned me to the kitchen, and I noticed how clean it was. Humigit siya ng
isang monobloc at umupo naman ako roon. Sunod ay inihanda na niya ang pagkain na
parang sanay na sanay siyang gawin iyon. Naglagay siya ng pinggan sa harap ko at
sinalinan iyon ng kanin.

"Hindi boneless," bulong niya sa sarili na nakarating naman sa pandinig ko.

Natataranta siyang naglakad papunta sa ref nila at naghanap ng kung ano roon. He
scratched the back of his head when he closed its door, hands were free. Pakiramdam
ko ay stressed na stressed siya dahil matinik ang ipapakain niyang isda sa akin.

I noticed a few sweat drops on his forehead, probably because he was moving around
a lot. Hindi pa nakatulong na sobrang init sa loob ng bahay nila na kahit may
nakatutok namang maliit na electric fan sa amin ay iba pa rin ang singaw ng hangin.

"Can you wait?" he asked. "Bibili lang ako ng ulam sa labas."

Sinimangutan ko siya.

"Umupo ka nga!" hindi napigilang saad ko. "Kanina ka pa galaw nang galaw! Ang dami
mo nang pawis, oh!"

He touched his forehead. "Naiinitan ka?"

"Ako ba ang pinagpapawisan?" pagsusungit ko pa.

I stood up and walked up to him. Nakita ko ang pagtataka sa mukha. I moved behind
him and gave him a gentle nudge in the back to encourage him to sit down.

Tumalima naman siya.

"You're stressing me out, Leon Ysmael," I muttered as I pulled out my handkerchief

from the pocket of my uniform. "Tamo, basa na ang likod mo! Magpalit ka ng damit
bago tayo kumain, ha?!"

Nasa likuran niya ako kaya hindi ko nakikita ang reaksyon niya. I just used my
handkerchief to dry his nape and forehead while he sat upright like an obedient
soldier.

"Parang tanga kasi," I whispered as I continued to wipe his sweat. "Wala ka bang
pagod? Si Superman ka ba?"

Iniabot ko ang panyo sa kanya na kinuha niya naman. Wala siyang sagot sa akin, para
bang hinahayaan lang akong magbunganga. Kumuha ako ng pinggan para sa kanya at
naglagay ng maraming kanin at ulam doon. Naghugas na rin ako ng kamay at ramdam ko
ang pagsunod ng tingin niya sa akin.

"'Wag kang maarte, ha?" suway ko bago inalisan ng tinik ang bangus sa pinggan niya.

He was just watching me as I did that. Nakasimangot lang ako dahil ako ang napagod
sa ginagawa niya. Siguradong mag-aaral siya mamayang gabi tapos may gagawin pa
siyang kisame bukas! Private tutor pa siya tapos ang mga kapatid niyang imbes na
tumulong sa kanya ay mukhang wala man lang kagawa-gawa! Nakuha pang mag-inarte sa
ulam!

I shook off my thoughts. Wala akong karapatang mainis dahil wala naman ako sa
posisyon nila. Hindi ko lang mapigilan lalo at naaawa ako sa kanya!

"Magpalit ka na ng damit. Kapag natuyuan ka at nilagnat, aabsent ka pa,"

pagpapatuloy ko. "Paano kita matatalo n'yan? Kailangan mong maging fit and healthy
para makalaban ako! Sige ka, ikaw naman ang kawaw—"

I froze on the spot when he suddenly reached out for my hand and gently . . . so
gently . . . kissed it.

His eyes suddenly went up to me, and I got a glimpse of a powerful emotion flowing
through them, completely silencing me.

"I've hit the rock bottom now, Amari," he whispered as he was in deep pain. "You've
turned me into a hopeless case, and I'm sure I wouldn't even want to
complain . . ."

Chapter 14 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 14

I swallowed hard to slow down my heartbeat. His eyes, even with his glasses on,
show so much emotion that they cut right through me.

"B-Bakit ka nanghahalik ng kamay?" pagalit na saad ko bago bawiin ang kamay sa

kanya. "May kamay ka namang iyo . . ."

His lips curved into a smile as he stood.

"Magbibihis na 'ko."

I kept my eyes on his plate and continued taking the fish bone out even though my
hands were shaking. Nang makaalis ang lalaki ay saka lang ako nakahinga nang
maluwag.

Fuck. His soft lips just brushed against the back of my hand!

The nerve of my . . . hand!

Nauna pa sa labi ko!

Umawang ang bibig ko sa naiisip. I shook my head and breathed a lot to get my
unwanted thoughts out of my head.

Amari, it was just your flirty side coming out! Gusto mo ang lalaking 'yon kaya
syempre . . . normal ang kiligin at mag-isip ng kung ano!

"Why are you shaking your head?"

Leon's voice from behind me brought me back to my senses. Lumingon ako sa kanya at
nakitang naka-T-shirt na puti na lang siya at itim na trunks.

Lumapit siya sa akin at bago pa ako makapagsalita ay naramdaman ko ang kamay niya
sa buhok ko. Tinanggal niya ang pagkakapuyod ko at maya maya'y sinuklay iyon gamit
ang kamay niya. He clasped it all in the center and pulled it back into a ponytail,
leaving no strands hanging loose.

Iniharap niya ako sa kanya at sinuri kung maayos ang pagkakaayos niya sa buhok ko
bago dahan-dahang tumango.

"Okay na . . . let's eat."

As if hypnotized, I slowly took a seat. My heart was beating wild, and there was
nothing I could do to calm it! God! Leon would cause me my death!

Tahimik kaming kumain. Siya rin ang nagtanggal ng tinik ng ulam ko at hinayaan ko
na lang siyang gawin iyon. Pakiramdam ko, sa oras na magsalita ako ay manginginig
ang boses ko.

We finished lunch in no time. He cleaned everything before setting up the things we

needed to work on our thesis. Naghintay lang ako sa kanya sa sala dahil nabanggit
naman niyang hindi kami rito gagawa.

"Isuot mo 'to," sabi niya bago inilapag sa tapat ko ang dilaw na sipit na tsinelas.
"Baka maputik sa farm. Madudumihan ang white shoes mo."

Bitbit niya sa magkabilang balikat ang dalawang laptop bag nang tumayo siya sa
gilid ko na para bang papanoorin pa ako sa pagsusuot ng tsinelas. Tinanggal ko ang
medyas at tahimik na inilagay iyon sa bag ko. I put on the slippers and was
surprised by how big they looked on me.

"Kaya mo bang ilakad kahit gan'yan kalaki?" he asked. "Wala kasi 'yong kay nanay,
eh."

Tumayo ako. "Oo. Komportable naman. Kanino ba 'to?"

"Akin."

Naglakad lang kami papunta sa farm. He said that it was at the end of their
barangay and that we could get there in five to ten minutes.

Wala nang masyadong bahay sa looban. Dulo na rin kasi halos 'yong bahay nila.
Nearly all I saw were rice fields, and the road we were on was bordered by really
ancient and large trees.

Hindi ko inaasahan na may makikitang ganito sa isang lungsod. Para kasing nasa
probinsya na kami.

In contrast to the other farms and lands we'd seen along the way, with their
profusion of trees, their farm is home to a wide range of vegetable and root crops.
Hindi ito kalakihan, tulad ng sinabi ni Leon noon, pero sa tingin ko ay sapat na
iyon sa negosyo nila dahil sa dami ng mga pananim.

On the edge of the property was a big tree, supporting a tree house with wooden
fences and open windows. The wooden stairs looked sturdy, and I knew they were when
Leon climbed up without making them move.

Inalalayan ako ng lalaki sa pag-akyat at nang tuluyang makarating sa tuktok ay

sumabulong sa akin ang preskong hangin at sariwang amoy ng paligid. Tatlong silya
at isang parihabang mesang gawa rin sa kahoy ang naroon. With a few exterior
upgrades, I'm certain this place could be an attractive rental choice for anyone
looking for a quiet spot to work or study in peace.

The breeze whipped through my nape, drying up my sweat, and as I glanced at Leon, I
saw him watching me with his lips parted and his soft hair blowing in the wind,
too.

"Mag-start na tayo," sabi ko.

He slowly nodded. He pulled out a chair for me and set up the laptop that I was
going to use. Within a little, less than ten minutes, the only sounds that could be
picked up from the background were the chirping of the nearby birds, the extremely
faint honking of distant vehicles, and the friction of our fingertips coming into
contact with the keyboards of our laptops.

"Ask me if I can help you with anything," Leon said. "I have a water jog in my bag.
You can drink that."

I cleared my throat. "Dito ka ba laging gumagawa ng assignment?"

"Yeah," he replied, his eyes on the screen of his laptop. "Mahina ang signal sa
bahay. I could barely send a message."

I pursed my lips. Totoong mahina ang signal sa bahay nila. Kung pumupunta pa siya
rito para lang makapag-internet, ibig bang sabihin, noong mga panahong nag-cha-chat
siya sa 'kin ay pumupunta pa siya rito?

But those were almost the strokes of midnight or, if not, the break of dawn! Nagse-
send pa siya ng notes sa akin dati!

"Yes, I come here to message you if that's what you're thinking."

I bit my lower lip in frustration. "Pero madaling araw na 'yon!"

He chuckled. "Dito ako madalas mag-aral. You've seen our house. There's no quiet
place there for me."

"Tapos sasabihan mo akong matulog?! You're a hypocrite who can't walk the talk!"

His brow shot up. "I often sleep here, too."

He looked to the side, so I did, too. May nakatuping banig doon at isang itim na
unan.

"There."

It wasn't hard for me to imagine him here, squirming around on that scratchy and
uncomfortable mat. It must have hurt his back because the floor was made of wood.
Siguradong lalamukin din siya rito kahit pa mahangin naman. Kung madalas siyang
matulog dito, dapat man lang ay may maliit siyang lalagyan ng pagkain. What if he
wakes up in the middle of the night, thirsty or hungry?

I heaved out a sigh when worry flooded my thoughts. Saan ba nila ginagastos ang
pera nila? Kung may lupain sila at magandang puwesto sa palengke, tingin ko naman
ay kakayanin nilang mamuhay nang mas higit sa buhay nila ngayon.

College scholarships were no doubt in the cards for Leon because of his stellar
academic record. Bukod pa roon ay sinusuportahan niya ang pamilya sa pagiging part-
time tutor niya. With all that money, I'm sure they can afford to buy a house with
better ventilation and a firmer foundation.

"Hindi ka ba komportable rito?" tanong niya.

"Don't mind me," I replied.

Hindi na siya sumagot. I did my part as I should have. Sometimes I would ask Leon
if I could include a certain study in our paper, and sometimes he would do the
same.

Sa tahimik at bilis naming gumawa ay natapos namin ang higit sa kalahati ng chapter
two ng tatlong topic. We still have quite a few Saturdays left to work on our
paper, but if we maintain this pace, we might be able to turn it in within a little
over a month.

"It's quite a view," saad ko nang tumayo sa gilid ng bintana para tingnan ang
paligid.

It was a combination of urban and rural scenes. Such a lovely color scheme. Grassy,
golden hues from the countryside, gray, dark blue, and just a hint of black from
the city landscape. Dahil natatakpan kami ng puno, hindi naaabot ng araw ang aming
balat. If there were a few rays that could hit and reach our skin, they wouldn't be
as hot and irritating.

Mayroon pa kaming kaunting oras para bumalik sa school at ipakita kay Ma'am
Abulencia ang natapos namin. Leon saved our work on a flash drive before standing
next to me.

"Wait until the sun sets . . ."

Lumabi ako. "Imposible. Ipapasa pa natin kay Ma'am 'yan!"

"Next time," he said, chuckling.

"Hindi na ako babalik dito, 'no!" reklamo ko pa. "Ang init-init."

It was a lie, of course. I couldn't show him how the silence between us was enough
to bring me closer to him.

"Mapapabalik mo lang ako rito kung maganda at romantic na ang ilaw. Hindi naman
sapat ang lente lang," pagpapatuloy ko. "At 'yong kama mo, hindi dapat banig!
Matigas sa likod 'yan. Nakakatamad."

His head tilted to me, as if ready to watch me complain.

"Pati 'yong upuan, matigas sa pwet! Wala man lang cushion! Walang ka-design-design
'tong loob. Kung dito ka lagi tumatambay, dapat pagandahin mo naman! Masyadong
simple! Hindi puwedeng 'yong view lang 'yong maganda!" I swallowed when his eyes
glistened. "Ano bang tinitingin-tingin mo?!"

"I'm taking notes."

I grimaced. "Hindi ka naman nagsusulat!"

He stood properly, his jaw clenching. "If I make a lot of money this year, I'll buy
a solar-powered air conditioner."

My eyes widened. Nagbibiro lang naman ako!

Naramdaman ko ang kaliwang braso niya na pumulupot sa bewang ko, ang kamay ay
humawak sa bintana sa gilid ko at tuluyang hinigit ako palapit sa kanya.

Napalunok ako sa nangyari. He fucking trapped me in his arms again!

I moved a little to brush him off, but he didn't flinch.

"Nagrereklamo ako rito tapos nanghahawak ka!" My lips quivered. "Bakit ba lapit ka
nang lapit?!"

His eyes wandered over to my face.

"Let me know what you want and I'll get it for you. I'll paint the insides in the
color of your choice . . . green, perhaps? Blue? Yellow?" His voice was hushed. "As
for the romantic lights . . ." His lips twisted into a grin. "What do you need them
for? And . . . the soft mattress? Bakit? Tatabihan mo 'ko?"

Sinubukan kong kumawala sa braso niya ngunit hinigpitan niya lang ang kapit sa
hamba ng bintana. Mukhang nag-eenjoy siya habang pilit akong lumayo sa kanya.
Goodness, I was just afraid he would hear my heart beating fast, especially since
he made it sound like I was asking him something sexual!

"You don't understand, do you? This is my favorite place in the world, and I'm
willing to make changes so that you'll like it too."

I shook my head. "Nagsu-suggest lang naman ako!"

"What else? You want a personal reading nook where you can curl up with a book and
relax while I work on my commissions? You want a little room where you can practice
your make-up skills while I watch and envy your lipstick?"

His gaze fell on my lips, and I made the attentive decision to cover them with my
hand.

"Ang landi mo!" nag-iinit ang mukhang sabi ko.

"We haven't talked in more than three hours. I thought you were mad at me because I
took you somewhere you didn't like," he said.

"Nagthe-thesis tayo!" depensa ko sa sarili bago ibinaba ang kamay. "Ano'ng gusto
mo? Mag-chismisan tayo habang gumagawa ng RRL? Edi, wala tayong natapos, ha?!"

"Hindi dahil naiinis kang mainit dito?"

"Hindi! Nagbibiro lang naman ako, eh!" Umirap ako. "Ang hangin-hangin nga!"

"Boring?"

I glared at him. "Hindi nga!"

"Maganda?" tanong niya pa.

"Malamang! Ngayon nga lang ako nakaakyat sa gan'to, eh!"

He bit his lower lip in an attempt to suppress his smile. His eyes were lingering
on me. "Well, I know someone prettier."

Hindi niya tinigilan ang panlalandi sa akin hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay
nila. Para bang binawi niya ang oras na nag-thesis lang talaga kami! Kung alam ko
nga lang na magiging malandi siya, nagdala sana ako ng tangke ng oxygen para
makahinga ako nang maayos! Jusko, may balak yata siyang patayin ako!

"Next time I bring you here, I'll show you the land I'm talking about," sabi niya
pa. "Inaayos na ni Psyche ang documents ngayon para mailipat sa pangalan ni nanay."

I put on my shoes and slung my bag over my shoulder as I nodded.

I was happy enough that I didn't get to meet his mother because I probably looked
like a mess! Hindi na rin naman lumabas sa silid ang kambal kaya hindi ako
nagkaroon ng tyansa na makapagpaalam.

Leon and I had just submitted the flash drive to Ma'am Abulencia, and as on
previous Saturdays, he dropped me off on our apartment's street before going home.

The days after that were like any other. Hindi ko alam kung hindi napapansin ng mga
kaklase namin ang pagiging madikit ni Leon sa akin o sadyang wala silang pakialam
dahil wala pa namang nagtanong sa akin tungkol dito. Leon kept up his routine of
bringing me packed lunches and sneaking snacks into my bag to the point that I
started looking forward to it every day.

He was making me feel things I'd never felt before. I know it sounds cliché, but he
made me want to tell him how I felt, too. For such a long time, I fell asleep again
without thinking about the past and how it had messed up my life.

That maybe, crashing my walls a little isn't a mistake at all.

And that, like Leon, I could feel myself hitting rock bottom . . . but I wouldn't
let my feelings take over for now.

And I think I made the right choice.

"Is Zamora hitting on you?" my father asked over a phone call on a Friday night.

Umawang ang bibig ko. Paano niya naman nalaman 'to?

"Hindi ko pa po alam ang class standing ko," I answered instead. "Hindi pa naman po
tapos ang sem. Wala pa pong list."

"Oh, he is." He chuckled. "Akala ko ay namalik-mata lang ako nang madaanan ko kayo
sa university n'yo. He was carrying your bag for you. Isn't that sweet?"

"Dad!"

"The guy knows how to play his cards, Amari! He's flirting with you, so you'll get
distracted!" pagalit na sabi niya.

Huminga ako nang malalim at bahagyang lumayo sa apartment para pakalmahin ang
sarili.

"Hindi na po kami mga bata para pag-isipan nang gan'yan ang isa't isa."

"Bakit? Simula ba nang nilandi ka niya ay nataasan mo na siya?" he asked. "Simula

ba nang nilandi ka niya ay nagpatalo na siya sa 'yo?"

"Dad naman . . ."

"You don't know what's going on inside a man's head. Kung totoong gusto ka n'yan ay
pagbibigyan ka niya. He would move aside so you could go first, but based on your
test scores, I think he's still better than you!"

I balled my fist. "Hindi ko po gustong nagpapatalo si Leon para sa 'kin. I want to

win fair and square."

"If you let your feelings get in the way, Amari, you'll never win. Trust me. I used
to really like your mom. Just look where it gets us," litanya niya. "Separated with
an unwanted child."

Para akong nasuntok sa sinabi niya. I quickly covered my mouth so that he wouldn't
hear the sudden gasp that I let out because of the sudden tightening in my chest.

"The guy is just using you. Come to think of it, wala naman siyang makukuha sa 'yo.
You're almost homeless and penniless," he added. "Zamora will most certainly fall
in love with someone who is well-established and who comes from a reputable
family."

Nanghihina kong inilayo ang cellphone sa tainga ko.

"Amari, think wisely. Hindi ka tanga. Love is an illusion, and he's clever enough
to realize that you are unable to experience it, so he is using that to his
advantage in order to exert control over you."

Those were the last words I heard before I dropped the call. My hand was gripping
my phone as if I needed it to hold me up.

Nasa labas lang ako ng apartment at kahit gustuhin kong pumasok sa loob ay hindi ko
maihakbang ang mga paa ko. I felt like I was being ushered into this area against
my will as my father's comments played over and over in my head.

What are you sad about, Amari? The fact that you're an unwanted child, penniless,
homeless, or love deprived?

Totoo naman, ah? Hindi ka dapat nasasaktan dahil hindi naman 'yon gawa-gawa lang.

Ilalagay ka ba sa ampunan kung gusto nilang palakihin ka? Magkakayod ka ba sa

katatrabaho kung may pera ka? Tatyagain mo bang mapagod kakaaral kung may bahay ka?
At . . . manlilimos ka ba ng pagmamahal sa tatay mo kung hindi ka nauuhaw ro'n?

I heaved a sigh. 'Yan kasi! Masyado akong nagsaya nitong mga nagdaang buwan! Nabawi
tuloy!

Leon deserves better . . . he should look for one. Alam ko naman na 'yon. Wala
naman talaga siyang mapapala sa akin. Sinusungitan ko pa nga siya, eh. Kaya dapat,
maghanap na lang siya ng bagay talaga sa kanya. Someone who is loved, has money and
a place to live, and is wanted by others.

Hindi niya naman ako para gamitin. He could easily defeat me without making such a
move on me. But if he is . . . well . . . then there's nothing more heartbreaking
than realizing someone is manipulating you for their own ends.

My cellphone rang, and as I looked down at it, I realized that it was the person I
was having head-over-heels thoughts about.
Nagpalitan na kami ng number at minsan ay tumatawag talaga siya. Pinapaalala niya
sa akin ang mga assignment, kung meron man, o ang updates sa thesis namin.
Sometimes, he'd call just to check up on me; sometimes, just to ask if I had eaten
already.

"Hello?" I said as I answered the phone.

"Hi."

His voice was so soft that it was easy for it to get to my core. In the back of my
mind, I kept hearing my father say that Leon just used me, but in my heart . . . I
wished he hadn't. At kung totoo naman, sana ay hindi niya ito ipinaalam sa akin.

"Where are you?" tanong niya.

"Nasa apartment," saad ko.

"In your room?"

"Oo . . ." pagsisinungaling ko.

There was such a long pause between us that I thought he had already hung up. I
could picture him in his tree house, looking out at the view after setting up his
mat and pillow.

"I miss you," he whispered.

My heart clenched. "Nagkita tayo kanina sa klase."

"I know . . . I just miss you."

Tears clouded my vision as I realized how much I needed to hear those words from
someone . . . that's the first time I've ever heard somebody say those words to me.
Hindi ko iyon narinig kay Jin, sa mga kaibigan ko, at kahit sa sarili kong tatay.
No one misses me because I don't usually stand out. My presence isn't the one
you'll miss at parties or the one you'll notice.

I'm the crowd's least favorite. I noticed it even before. Karsen often does cute
things that make people like her. Mill is the fiercest and has the strongest vibe,
so you'll want to take a second look at her. And Kat, since she's always going from
place to place, she is the type of person who draws attention to herself. She makes
her presence known and demonstrates her generosity.

The seven-year-old Amari used to be envious of her friends. She must be out of her
mind.

"Are you crying?" Leon asked gently.

Something tugged at my heart.

"Hindi . . ."

"Are we . . . okay?"

I gulped. "Bakit naman hindi?"

"You sound cold."

"I'm just thinking about random stuff," I replied.

"Like?"

"Like . . ." I closed my eyes. "Like where we're heading."

Should I communicate? I know Leon better than my father. Should I tell him my
doubts?

I gulped as I made my choice. "I know you like me because you've shown it to me,
but where are we headed? How do you want us to end?" I breathed deeply. "Because if
you're just playing around, I want you to stop now, Leon. I've been to hell and
back. I don't want to go through that again."

I heard his breathing on the other line.

"I don't want you to think I'm in a hurry because I can wait until you're ready,"
aniya. "But since you asked, you're the one I could picture myself marrying in the
future, Amari."

Hindi ako nakasagot agad.

"Kapag may nagtanong sa 'kin kung sino'ng gusto kong pakasalan, pangalan mo ang
isasagot ko," saad niya pa. "For now, your hands are the only ones I can imagine
myself holding, your lips are the only ones I can imagine myself kissing, and you
are the only one I want to fall asleep next to," marahang sabi niya. "You have no
idea how excited I am to wake up every day because that means I'll see you at
school and how I'll be over the moon when Saturday comes because I'll get to spend
the whole day with you."

With all those words . . . I felt so bad and guilty for even considering the idea
that he was just using me.

"Kung naipaparamdam ko sa 'yong wala ka lang sa 'kin . . . I'll do better."

Umiling ako. "You don't have to. I'm just having doubts."

"Tungkol sa 'kin?"

His voice was so soft that it made me feel worse about myself. I shouldn't really
let what my father says bother me.

"Nakausap ko lang si . . . Mr. Mendoza," I admitted. "You're not using me, right?"

"No, of course not. Is that why you're crying?"

I smiled sadly. "Hindi naman ako umiiyak."

"Look to your side."

Out of curiosity, I looked to my right and was shocked to see Leon standing there,
four blocks away from me! He had a brown paper bag with him and was wearing shorts
and a plain white T-shirt.

"Sorry . . . is this creepy? I don't usually do this." Hindi siya lumapit pero
nakita ko ang pag-iling niya. "I told you I missed you. Dadalhan din sana kita ng
kare-kare. Niluto ko 'to kanina kasi maraming dalang gulay si nanay."

"Kanina ka pa d'yan?"
He nodded. "I saw you crouching and thought you looked sad. Hindi naman ako
makalapit dahil ayokong maabala ka."

"So, you called instead?"

"Puwede ba akong lumapit?"

"At kapag nakita ka ng mga kaibigan ko?"

"I can tell them I'm here to deliver the food you ordered."

The doubts in my heart were completely washed over. Puwede pala 'yon. With proper
communication and understanding . . . it was made possible.

Maybe Leon does not deserve better because, in his eyes, I am the best. Maybe he's
not looking for someone with money or a house because he knows he'll find what he
needs and a home to stay with me. Maybe he isn't looking for someone who is filled
with love because he knows he can give me all the affection I long for.

Ako na ang nagkusang maglakad papunta sa direksyon niya. I didn't end the call as I
approached him, and as I drew closer, I could see how surprised he was.

No. I shouldn't let my father's words affect my growing relationship with him. If I
were to do that, I would have to start all over again. Ako ang nakasama ni Leon,
hindi siya. Ako ang nakakaalam kung sino si Leon, hindi siya. All he cares about is
my class standing, not the content of my heart.

"Hug me," utos ko.

He was dazed for a second, his eyes gleaming in disbelief, before he stepped
forward and pulled me into an embrace. He rested my head on his chest, and I could
hear his heart pounding as he cradled me. Naramdaman ko ang paghalik niya sa tuktok
ng ulo ako, para bang pinapawi ang lahat ng agam-agam ko tungkol sa aming dalawa.

"Thank you for telling me what's bothering you right away," bulong niya. "That's a
brave step. You did well."

Days after that, we were asked to write the documents needed for the preliminary
pages of our thesis. Leon took the initiative of writing the table of contents
while I volunteered to do the acknowledgment. Tig-isa kami ng dedication at dahil
hindi pa naman kumpleto ang buong paper, wala pa kaming gagawing abstract.

"Jusko, kahit sa preliminary pages, ako pa rin ang gagawa! Bwisit na ka-partner!"
reklamo ni Meg habang papunta kami sa library. "Kapag ganito pa rin next sem,
isusumbong ko na 'yan kay Ma'am!"

"Tulungan ka namin kapag maaga kaming natapos ngayon," suhestyon ni Zoey. "Madali
lang naman 'yan. Nakakainis nga lang talaga kapag may inaasahan kang tumulong tapos
hindi naman gumagawa."

"Ay wow, I felt attacked!" ekseheradang saad naman ni Shaira.

Nauna na sa library si Leon. He said he'd prepare the computers we'd use. Marami
kasing estudyante ngayon lalo at hindi naman Sabado. We were only given enough time
to do this because, just like Zoey said, it was easy to do. Hindi na kailangang
maglaan pa ng isang buong araw para tapusin.

"Sana all guwapo ang ka-partner," pang-aasar ni Shaira nang marating namin ang
library at ang lalaki ang bumungad sa amin.

"Sana all masipag ang partner," pagpaparinig naman ni Zoey na tinawanan ko.

"'Te, tumulong naman ako, ah? May galit ka ba sa 'kin?! Mas marami ka lang nagawa.
Kaya nga kita ibibiling milktea, 'di ba? I love you, please . . ."

Naiiling na nilayuan ko na lang sila. I went to where Leon was and began to work
with him. We were quiet, just like the other times. If it weren't for the other
students, we would have been engulfed in complete silence.

Fifteen minutes into working, he moved his chair close to me.

"Ano'ng kailangan mo?" tanong ko habang iniisa-isa ang mga kailangan naming ilagay
sa acknowledgment.

He was kind of clingy when we were alone, so I kind of got used to him. But still,
his breath tickling my neck was wreaking havoc in my system.

"I've sent my dedication file to you. Pa-check."

"Later . . ."

"Ngayon na."

I rolled my eyes. "Kulit, ah? May ginagawa pa 'ko."

"Please?"

Bwisit!

I closed the document I was editing in anger and went to my email. He was still
looking at my computer screen as I downloaded his file.

"Buksan mo."

I sighed. "Bakit ba ang excited mo?"

I clicked on his file and waited until it was done loading.

"This research paper is dedicated to the following people who gave me the drive and
motivation to finish this thesis," mahinang basa ko.

I gave the document a brief scan, and when I saw that it followed the format, I
just nodded.

"Okay na 'to," I said.

"You didn't read my dedication to you."

I glared at him. "'Wag mo 'kong landiin. Nasa library tayo."

"Just read it for me, please."

I heaved another sigh. "Some people are just too demanding!"

I scrolled down to the bottom of the document, and what I read rocked me to the
very core of my being.
To my thesis partner, Amari Sloane Mendoza;

Can I court you?

"Matagal ko nang ginagawa 'yan pero gusto ko lang siguraduhin sa 'yo . . . kasi
tinanong mo sa 'kin kung ano tayo."

I took a deep breath and clutched the mouse in my fist. My heart was racing wildly
again, but I was able to come up with something to say that still sounded like me.

"Wala sa format, Zamora!"

When he chuckled, I knew he understood.

Chapter 15 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 15

"Class, we'll be having an educational camp," sabi ni Ms. Lubrica. "Alam kong
kasabay 'to ng exams at title defense n'yo, but the camp is mandatory and is
included in the curriculum."

Narinig ko ang pagrereklamo ng mga kaklase ko. Of course, who wouldn't? Most of
them were still having trouble with their manuscripts, and the exams that were
coming up were no laughing matter. Tapos mag-ca-camp? Saang kamay ng diyos naman
namin kukunin ang oras?

"Dahil hindi tayo nagkaroon ng tour no'ng mga nagdaang taon, the Psychology Society
proposes this two-day and one-night camp," pagpapaliwanag pa ni Ma'am. "But don't
worry, I'll ask the dean if we can move it before your title defense."

Iyon lang ang huling sinabi ni Ma'am bago siya nagsimulang magklase. I felt my
cellphone vibrate, but I didn't check it because I knew it was Leon. Kita ko kasing
nag-ce-cellphone siya.

I furrowed my brow at him. He just pointed to his cellphone to show that it was him
who texted me.

"Mamaya," I mouthed. "Ang landi mo na naman," dagdag ko pa.

His lips curled into a grin before he turned his attention to Ms. Lubrica. I did
the same.

Nitong mga lumipas na buwan ay halos nasasabayan ko ang performance niya. I'm not
sure if he's just paving the way for me or if I just really enjoy the topics we're
covering this semester.

Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung paanong nasabi ni Dad na mas magaling pa rin ang
lalaki sa akin. It's not like I'm always the second best.

I have a strong feeling that we will end up being tied again. Our midterm grades
were quite comparable to each other.

If both of us perform well on our defenses and final exams, there is no question
that our names will appear at the top of the dean's list.

Nang matapos ang klase ay saka ko lang binuksan ang messages ni Leon.

From: Leon Ysmael

Sabay tayong maglunch.

From: Leon Ysmael

Please.

Napairap ako. Vocal ang lalaki pagdating sa mga ganitong bagay. Hindi ko alam kung
paano at bakit, pero kapag kasama niya ako ay nawawala ang supladong Leon na kilala
ng lahat.

Pero kahit na madalas na kaming magkasama ay pribado pa rin ang panliligaw niya. It
was my personal request. Ayoko kasi ng atensyon.

After he informed me that he would pursue me, I felt as if I had the upper hand,
especially because he was unaware of my feelings for him.

Natutuwa nga ako dahil kahit wala akong ibinibigay na assurance sa kanya ay hindi
naman siya tumitigil. Ayoko kasing nilalapitan lang ako ng isang tao dahil lang may
inaasahan siya sa akin.

To: Leon Ysmael

Kasabay ko sina Karsen. Next time ka na.

I looked up at him and his eyes were on me, as usual. Napansin niya sigurong
nagreply ako dahil agad niyang kinuha ang cellphone niya. Kitang-kita ko ang
pagsimangot niya nang tuluyang mabasa ang mensahe ko.

From: Leon Ysmael

When's the next time?

I frowned as I typed.

To: Leon Ysmael

I hate demanding guys.

Tiningnan ko siya at napangisi ako nang makitang lalong kumunot ang noo niya.

From: Leon Ysmael

I'm kidding. Just take your time and enjoy lunch with your friends.

To: Leon Ysmael

Good. We have a few Saturdays left to spend together. Magsawa ka naman sa mukha ko.

From: Leon Ysmael

Are you serious? You're too pretty. I can't imagine not wanting more.

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa cellphone ko at nag-iinit ang mukhang sinamaan siya ng

tingin. Mukha namang tuwang-tuwa siya sa nangyayari.

"Fuck off," I mouthed before I slid my phone to my bag.

Naramdaman ko ang pagsiko sa akin ni Shaira kaya tinapunan ko siya ng tingin. Hawak
niya ang printed copy ng paper nila ni Zoey, tila inaaral ang mga revisions na
kailangang gawin.

"Dahan-dahan naman sa landian," pang-aasar niya. "Ibunyag ko kayo, eh."

I made a face. "Siya ang pagsabihan mo."

She chuckled. "Ganda mo naman, ma'am."

"I know," I answered while laying my hand in front of her.

Agad niya namang ibinigay sa akin ang hawak. Dumikit siya sa akin at sinabi ang
revisions na hindi niya maintindihan kung bakit pinapapalitan.

I instructed her what I knew about some things, and she just nodded, showing that
she understood what I meant. Their paper was almost finished, so her partner was
busy helping Meg.

Kami naman ni Leon ay nakatapos na rin. Wala kaming revisions kaya puwedeng hindi
na kami pumasok every Saturday. But, of course, we still have to get ready for the
title defense and watch out for any problems that might come up. Iyon ang
pinagkakaabalahan namin ngayon. Kahit wala naman kaming nakikitang butas sa studies
na ipepresent namin ay kailangan pa rin naming mag-ingat.

I've actually been hoping that our research would be eligible for the best thesis
award because it would guarantee a medal in the graduation ceremony, and I was kind
of expecting it because we were both the top students.

Isa pa, kahit walang sabihin si Dad, alam kong inaasahan na niya ito sa akin. At
kahit hindi naman si Leon ang ka-partner ko, kailangan kong makamit ang award na
'yon.

Getting that award means I'm one of the best students, which was something I really
wanted to show my father. Baka kung sakaling hindi ako ang maging top psychology
student ng batch namin ay matuwa pa rin siya sa akin kung makukuha ko naman ang
best thesis award.

"Bet ko talaga si Leon for you," biglang bulong ni Shaira. "At alam kong bet mo rin
siya."

Umirap ako. "Siraulo ka."

"Seryoso. You glow differently around him," she insisted. "Alam mo 'yon? 'Yong
shortcomings n'yo . . . parang kayang punan ng isa't isa. Leon is quiet, but with
you, he's talking a lot. Tapos ikaw, medyo maldita, pero kuha naman niya ang ugali
mo."

Lihim akong napangiti sa sinabi niya. Leon never lost his temper with me. Kaya
niyang intindihin ang pagsusungit ko at hindi siya nagsasawang alagaan ako kahit na
hindi ko naman ipinapakita sa kanya kung gaano ko nagugustuhan iyon.

I don't know. Natatakot ako na baka kapag nalaman niya ang nararamdaman ko para sa
kanya, magbago ang pakikitungo niya sa akin. I wanted to move slowly with him
because that would give me more time to feel like he was interested in me.
But for now, I could see myself naively surrendering myself to him.

Sana lang hindi pa siya magsawa sa akin.

"Mari at Leon, pumunta raw kayo sa faculty office sabi ni Ma'am Abulencia! Tungkol
daw sa thesis!" sigaw ni Zoey mula sa pintuan ng room.

Kumunot ang noo ko pero hindi na ako nagtanong. I handed Shaira their paper and
stood up to see what was going on. Sumunod naman agad ang lalaki sa akin.

Dahil nasa iisang floor ang room namin at ang faculty office ay mabilis kaming
nakarating doon.

I was a little concerned that our paper would need changes because we had already
been practicing for defense. Kung may revision man ay baka mahaba-habang re-writing
ang mangyari.

"Good morning, ma'am," bati namin ni Leon kay Ma'am Abulencia nang makapasok kami
sa faculty office.

Tumango siya at inilahad ang dalawang upuan sa harap ng mesa niya. I sat down right
away, and so did Leon.

"I've been eyeing your paper for quite some time," she said that immediately
doubled my heartbeat. "May prefer ba kayong study sa tatlong 'yan?"

I cleared my throat to let Leon know that I was going to answer. Mukha namang na-
gets niya ako dahil hindi na siya nagsalita.

"Nag-meeting na po kami ni Leon, and what we wanted to find out was how growing up
in a broken family affects a young adult's personality, academic performance,
social life, and romantic relationships. We think it's timely and interesting," I
replied confidently.

She was in charge of our section's thesis, and she would decide who would have the
opportunity to get the award. She would meet with the other consultants, and the
final choice would represent our program.

She was my least favorite teacher. Madalas kasi niyang suwayin ang make-up ko at
ilang beses din akong na-late sa klase niya kaya napapagalitan niya ako. Even so, I
knew she was fair. She had our program's success in mind at all times.

"Okay, I'm gonna be straightforward," she said as she put her left elbow on her
table and rested her chin on her knuckles. "You guys have good topics, and I'm
pretty sure you'll do well at the defense, so I've been wanting to present your
study at the research congress."

I tried my hardest not to gasp when I heard that.

God, I was just thinking about it!

"Kapag maayos n'yong natapos ang chapters 4 and 5, kayo na talaga ang isasalang
ko," she added.

Participation in the research congress ensures that our study has the potential to
be the best thesis! I knew it! I knew she was fair! And she didn't even consider
the possibility of including other sections! Baka nanalo talaga sa kanya ang thesis
namin!
Hindi ko naitago ang pagngiti. "Yes, ma'am. We'll surely give it our all."

"Thank you, ma'am," saad naman ni Leon.

I was too delighted. Wala pa man ay nakikita ko na ang ngiti ng tatay ko kapag
sasabitan niya ako ng medal. Alam kong maraming magandang thesis, pero mas
naniniwala ako sa kakayahan namin ni Leon! We'd give justice to our study!

Tumango-tango si Ma'am. "However, sa research congress, isa lang 'yong puwedeng

mag-defend."

I tilted my head up. That's inarguably me! Mas magaling ako sa public speaking
kaysa kay Leon! Mas madadala ko ang thesis namin!

"And I actually want Mr. Zamora to do that."

Mabilis akong napatigil sa pag-iisip nang marinig iyon.

"Po?" tanging nasabi ko.

"Ma'am, it's Ms. Mendoza's forte," sabi ni Leon.

"I mean, nasa sa inyo pa rin naman ang desisyon kasi titingnan natin kung sino'ng
mas may alam ng study, pero based sa ibang panelist na uupo sa defense n'yo, we
need someone who is calm and can go through every hole we may have missed."

Wait . . . and I can't do that?

What does she think of me?! I'm a top student as well! I can check every problem
that may arise even without the help of Leon! Ako pa nga ang nag-isip ng topic
namin, eh! Nagdagdag lang ng variables ang lalaki!

"Ms. Mendoza is a good speaker, but, of course . . ." She shrugged. "We need more."

Parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko nang tuluyang maproseso ang ibig niyang sabihin.

Wow. What an insensitive blow.

"Ma'am, mas magaling po sa 'kin si Mendoza sa public speaking. She's very hands-on
when it comes to preparing our paper, and she's well-versed in how to respond to
any question that is posed to her, so I have no doubt that she'll defend our
research more effectively than I can," mahabang litanya ni Leon.

I breathed as I put on a fake smile. It's okay! It's not like I'm completely
ignorant that Leon is everyone's favorite. Thesis pa rin naman namin 'yon. Hindi
lang ako kasali sa mag-de-defend sa congress. Of course, it shouldn't be a big
deal.

"Okay, ma'am. We'll consider everything you've said," I said.

"Amari," si Leon.

Umiling ako sa kanya at bahagyang tumawa. "Mas okay nga 'yon! Ikaw ang mas busy!
Bahala kang gumawa ng script mo kapag nag-defend ka ro'n!" pagbibiro ko pa kahit na
pakiramdam ko ay isinampal sa akin ng tadhana kung saan ko dapat ilagay si Leon sa
buhay ko.

The Psychology Society needed more . . . and I couldn't give that.

He was the only one they believed could represent our program. Even if I put forth
double the effort, wala namang mangyayari. Alam naman kasi ng lahat na mas magaling
si Leon. He was the full package. Kung hindi lang ako masipag ay hindi ko naman
siya matatapatan.

I took another gulp. Ang sabi ni Kat, hindi ko dapat hilingin ang makalamang sa
ibang tao. I should keep that in my head.

I couldn't possibly beat everyone. I could never be the most intelligent and the
most capable. Laging may mas hihigit . . . at hindi naman ibig sabihin noon ay
hindi na ako magaling.

But hell, she didn't teach me how to not think about it!

"Then, it's settled," kuha ni Ma'am sa atensyon namin. "Pangalan n'yo pa rin naman
ang lalabas sa best thesis award kung sakaling manalo kayo, pero syempre, meron din
tayong best presenter. So . . . I'm expecting you guys to do your studies
thoroughly and best of luck, I guess."

Masama ang loob ko nang lumabas kami ng office. I was compared to Leon . . . to the
guy I like . . . again.

Gaano ba kalayo ang agwat namin? Nag-aaral naman ako, ah? Nagbabasa rin naman ako
gaya niya. My life is as inspiring as him. Ano pa ba ang kailangan kong gawin para
maging first choice kapag nandiyan siya?

"Kapag napili ang study natin, ikaw na ang mag-present. Hindi naman ako magaling
do'n," sabi niya habang pabalik kami sa room.

Lalong bumigat ang pakiramdam ko. Ano 'to? Pampalubag-loob? Ayan na naman siya sa
pagbibigay ng daan para sa 'kin. Nakakabastos.

I chuckled sarcastically. "Didn't you hear Ma'am? I don't need your pity, Zamora."

"I'm not trying to sympathize with you," he said. "This is for our study, and I
really think you can do better than me."

I slowed down and turned to face him.

"The society needs more. Hindi mo ba naintindihan? Iniisip ni Ma'am na ikaw lang
ang may kaya no'n." I clenched my teeth when I felt a slight pinch in my heart.
"Tingin mo ba, matapos kong harap-harapang marinig na mas magaling ka sa 'kin, kaya
ko pang i-present ang punyetang thesis na 'yan?"

He was taken aback. "You know I'm not better than you. Hindi ko para isipin 'yan,"
malumanay pa ring sabi niya.

"Bullshit," natatawang sagot ko. "If this is your way of calming me, you are not
helping. Mas gugustuhin ko pang makitang nagsasaya kang napili ka kaysa iparamdam
mo sa 'king nagpaparaya ka."

Umiling siya. "Hindi naman ako nagpaparaya. I just know that you're good at
this . . ."

I tightened my hand into a fist. "Well, you're making me feel that you are!" galit
na anas ko. "Just enjoy your victory and stop looking out for me all the time.
Dahil kung ako ang nasabihang mas magaling kaysa sa 'yo, I'll wear it like a
fucking medal!"
He seemed to be in pain, but he took a deep breath and tried to reach out to me, as
if he wanted to help calm me down. Agad kong tinapik ang kamay niya at mabilis na
gumuhit sa mukha niya ang gulat at sakit.

"Bakit sa 'kin ka nagagalit?" mahinang tanong niya.

"Just leave me alone for now. Please!" I blurted out. "Masama ang loob ko ngayon.
You'll hear a lot from me . . . and you wouldn't want that!"

Tumalikod na ako bago pa siya makapagsalita ulit. I was so frustrated that he was
making me feel the same way I did when we were in Davao! Kahit harap-harapang
pagbibigay-daan para sa akin ang ginawa niya ay itinatanggi niya dahil lang ayaw
niyang sumama ang loob ko! How could he not realize that he was making me feel
worse by doing that?!

Hindi ko na siya pinansin hanggang matapos ang klase. I felt terrible. Hindi ko
inaasahan na kahit gusto ko siya ay mananaig pa rin sa akin ang mithiing maging mas
magaling sa kanya.

I hate it. I hate that my father's words got to me so much that I had no control
over my own thoughts anymore. Simula noong itinatak niya sa isip ko na kailangan
kong maging pinakamagaling ay iyon na ang naging pangunahing pangarap ko.

How can I be happy for Leon's successes if I wish I had gotten them first? Bakit ba
kasi! Bakit ba ikinukumpara na lang siya sa akin ng lahat?! Kailangan ko ba
talagang marinig na mas kaya niyang gawin 'yon?!

I want more than anything in the world to excel academically so that I can please
my dad with my accomplishments. I want to win the award for best thesis because I
know it will make him smile just a little bit . . . kagaya noong nanalo ako sa quiz
bee.

Gusto ko lang namang maging proud siya sa akin . . . bakit ba ang hirap?

From: Leon Ysmael

Nauna ka na palang umuwi. Ingat ka.

I shook my head and hugged my pillow. Ever since he said he was courting me, this
was the first time he hadn't taken me home.

Hindi ko lang talaga kayang makasama siya ngayon. Ayokong siya ang makatanggap ng
lahat ng sama ng loob ko. Baka mamaya ay may masabi pa akong hindi na tama. Baka
mamaya ay tuluyan na talaga siyang magsawa sa akin.

My cellphone beeped, and my uneasiness increased when I saw it was a message from
my father.

From: Mr. Mendoza

If Zamora is courting you and you think he really likes you, you should use that to
your advantage, Amari. Be smart enough to make use of the opportunity.

See? Even my father thinks I should play dirty just to get ahead.

I shook my head again. Don't even think of considering that, Amari. Walang
ginagawang masama sa 'yo 'yong tao.
I clenched my hands around my hair and pulled it because I didn't want to think
anymore. I felt guilty for having bad thoughts about Leon when all he did was
reassure me, protect me from everyone, and take care of me.

Kung sakali namang thesis namin ang mapipili, dalawa pa rin naman kaming may medal.
Ano bang iniaarte ko?

Pero ano bang sasabihin ni Dad kapag nalaman niya 'to?

He would get disappointed for sure. He would say that Leon did keep me from doing
what I needed to do.

My heart throbbed. But what if he was right? What if Leon was really only trying to
divert my attention to something else? What if he took pleasure in watching me feel
like crap in the face of his achievements?

I winced in pain as the pressure in my head worsened.

Hindi ko na alam . . . at ayoko nang alamin.

But then, whatever this is, I have to stay in the lane.

Maging kami man ni Leon o hindi, kailangan kong matalo o mapantayan siya.

From: Leon Ysmael

Are you still mad? Tell me what you want me to do.

From: Leon Ysmael

Let's talk tomorrow morning, alright? I'll listen to whatever you want to say.
Kahit masakit 'yan. You have to let it out. Please don't ignore me.

I bit my lower lip and put down my phone so I wouldn't answer his texts.

Amari, your emotions shouldn't cloud your judgment, and Ma'am Abulencia's comments
were the smack in the face that you needed to bring you back to your senses.

The next day, I got to school early so I could use our room to read and study. In-
off ko ang phone ko para hindi ako ma-distract.

I have to get back on track.

Hindi dapat makuntentong nasasabayan ko ang performance ni Leon.

I should get ahead. That's my goal.

So, when he arrived an hour late for our class today, I shook off the worry that I
initially felt and replaced it with fulfillment instead.

"I'll consider you absent today," sabi ng instructor namin sa kanya.

He didn't budge. I caught him glancing my way, and a pang of disappointment painted
his face when our gazes met. Tinaasan ko lang siya ng kilay. Hindi naman ako para
magmakaawa sa instructor namin na papasukin siya dahil totoo namang halos isang
oras siyang late.

And after some thinking last night, I think we needed a little break from each
other, lalo na at hindi maganda ang naiisip ko tungkol sa kanya.
"I'm sorry, ma'am," he said before turning away from the class.

The sadness on his face reached my heart, but I didn't let it affect me. Habang
wala siya sa klase ay mas ginalingan ko sa pagre-recite at nang magkaroon kami ng
short quiz ay sinigurado kong wala akong naging mali. I did all of that flawlessly,
and it somehow made me feel better about myself.

"Umuwi na yata si Leon," saad ni Shaira na nakakuha ng atensyon ko.

"Huh?" hindi napigilang sabat ko. "Bakit daw?"

She shrugged. "Sabi lang sa 'kin ni Thaddeus. Nakasalubong niya raw palabas ng
school. Hindi naman siya pinansin."

"Wow, first absent niya 'yan if ever," sabi ni Meg. "Eh, kahit yata may trangkaso
'yon, papasok pa rin siya!"

Shaira chuckled. "Syempre, nandito ang bebe simula first year, eh!"

"Simula first year?" tanong ni Zoey. "Akala ko nito lang."

"Sus . . . sigurado akong matagal nang umiibig dito kay queen 'yon!"

Hindi ko sila pinansin. My heart started to fill with worry, so I grabbed my phone
and walked out of the room. Binuksan ko ito para mai-text siya, pero nang lumiwanag
ang screen ko ay lumabas ang mga mensahe mula sa kanya.

From: Leon Ysmael

Good morning. I'll pick you up as usual, okay? But if this makes you uncomfortable,
you can just let me know.

From: Leon Ysmael

You didn't say anything. You're not too mad :)

From: Leon Ysmael

Nasa kanto n'yo na 'ko. I'll wait for you here.

From: Leon Ysmael

Where are you? Did you oversleep?

From: Leon Ysmael

I think we'll be late for class. I'm still here. Papasok ka ba?

From: Leon Ysmael

Papasok na ako. Just take it easy today. I'll take care of your notes.

From: Leon Ysmael

Nice game, Mendoza. Iba ka talaga.

My chest tightened up after reading everything. Naka-off ang cellphone ko! Hindi ko
naman alam na naghihintay siya! Kahit pa sabihing hatid-sundo niya nga ako, hindi
ko naman naisip na susunduin niya pa rin ako kahit wala akong chat o text!

I closed my eyes, and I thought about how disappointed he had looked earlier. Hindi
ko na alam ang dapat maramdaman. Habang nagsasaya ako kanina dahil walang
nakikipag-kumpentsiya sa akin ay iniisip ako ni Leon . . . na kung sakaling ako ang
umabsent ay bibigyan niya pa ako ng notes ng mga napag-aralan namin.

I felt guilty that I wasn't able to pay attention during the rest of our classes.
Hindi na nga rin siya tuluyang pumasok. He was mad at me . . . at hindi ko naman
siya ma-i-text para sabihin ang rason ko.

Dahil kahit totoong hindi ko alam na hinihintay niya ako, may bahagi pa rin sa akin
ang natuwa na hindi siya nakadalo sa klase.

He didn't send me any messages over the next few days. Pansin ko rin ang pag-iwas
niya dahil hindi niya na ulit ako sinusundo at inihahatid. Hindi rin naman ako
nagparamdam. Kung hindi lang sa mangilan-ngilang palitan ng chat para sa thesis ay
hindi pa kami makakapag-usap.

I wanted to cry because I felt like I was losing him . . . but no . . . I knew he
was just taking a break. Hindi naman agad siya para sumuko nang gano'n, 'di ba? He
would listen to me. I've said worse. He wasn't going to let this small fight come
between us.

But when Saturday came and I received a chat from him, I realized that we were
really having a serious quarrel.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Let's not meet up today. Ma'am Abulencia told us that we don't
have to go to school every Saturday anymore because we're done.

It would be a lie to say that I wasn't sad. I kind of wanted to apologize to him
today, but it was clear that he didn't want to see me.

'Yong araw na excited siya dahil makakasama niya ako, nilagyan niya na ng dahilan
para hindi kami makapagkita.

Sinabi ko na lang sa mga kaibigan kong absent ako nang tanungin nila ako kung bakit
nasa apartment ako gayong alam nilang may Saturday class ako.

I spent the whole day wondering if the fleeting memories I had of Leon would come
to an end again . . . only this time, I knew I was a part of the problem.

Chapter 16 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 16

After giving my self-destructive thoughts a great deal of attention over the

weekend, I woke up on Monday morning with a strong desire to apologize to Leon.

"Wow, ang bango ng niluluto mo, ah? Ano 'yan?" tanong ni Mill habang sinisilip ang
ginagawa ko.

"Not for you . . ." mahinang saad ko.

"Spam at sinangag?"
Sinubukan niyang kumurot sa spam pero tinapik ko lang ang kamay niya.

"Hindi nga para sa 'yo!"

Sumimangot siya. "Isa lang, eh!"

"Nagtira ako ng para sa inyo. Ikaw na ang magluto," agap ko. "Dadalhin ko 'yan sa
school."

"Girl, ako na ang nagsasabi sa 'yo. Mas makakatipid ka kung bibili ka ng pagkain sa
school kaysa gan'yang magluluto ka. Ang mahal-mahal ng spam!"

I know . . . but it's for Leon. I should take the initiative to apologize to him.

Ayoko nang tumagal ang away namin. Ako ang may kasalanan kaya dapat lang na ako ang
maunang lumapit.

Iniisip ko pa lang na magpapatuloy ang pag-iwas niya sa akin ay lumulubog na sa

sakit ang puso ko.

I couldn't imagine living another day feeding my guilt . . . and not being with
him. I was wrong. I really shouldn't have made him the recipient of my emotional
pain.

Dahil kung gusto ko pa siyang makasama, hindi dapat ako gumawa ng bagay na
makapagtutulak palayo sa kanya.

"I'm craving, bakit ba?" sagot ko na lang bago inginuso kay Mill ang natirang
sinangag. "Sige na. Mag-umagahan ka na. Hindi ko alam na maaga kang magigising kaya
hindi ko agad niluto lahat ng spam. Hindi naman kasi masarap kapag malamig na."

She tousled her hair as she fixed her gaze intently on me as if reading my
thoughts.

"Ba't maga ang mata mo?" biglang tanong niya.

Pilit kong ikinunot ang noo para hindi niya pagsuspetyahan na umiyak ako.

"Ang dami kong inaral kagabi," I replied. "Sa puyat siguro."

She shook her head, not buying my answer. "Sino'ng nagpaiyak sa 'yo?"

Iniiwas ko ang tingin sa kanya at nag-focus sa pag-aayos ng pagkain na dadalhin ko

kay Leon. She was my friend ever since I was young. Of course, she would know.

"Si Jin? Ginugulo ka pa?" pangungulit niya. "Putangina talaga 'yang ex mong 'yan,
ha? Kailangan niya pa ba niyang ma-ospital para manahimik?"

Umiling ako. "I have no issues with him anymore, Mill. Matagal na kaming hindi nag-
uusap."

"Eh, bakit nga maga 'yan?! Buong weekend kang tahimik. Ano'ng iniisip mo?" she
asked firmly. "'Yan ka na naman. Hindi ka na naman nagsasabi. Hihintayin mo pang
ma-tanga ka bago ka magsalita."

Huminga ako nang malalim nang marinig ang pag-aalala sa tinig niya.

"Ako ang may kasalanan nito, Mill . . . 'wag mong masyadong isipin. I brought this
to myself, okay?" I said casually.

Hindi siya sumagot kaya ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang bigla niyang kinuha ang
kaliwang kamay ko at mabilis na tiningnan ang pulso ko.

"Ano?" I asked as I tried to get my hand out of hers.

Kung titignan niya ito nang mas matagal . . . sigurado akong makikita niya ang
ilang mga sugat na ginawa ko noon.

"You know I'll beat whoever tries to hurt you three, right?" she asked, staring
deeply at my wrist.

"I'm not always the victim, Mill." I shook my head. "Hindi porke't umiiyak ako ay
ako na ang tama."

At this point . . . I only wanted to apologize to Leon. Sure, I don't want him to
leave me, but if he ever realized that I was toxic for him . . . I wouldn't force
my way in.

I sighed as Mill left me in the kitchen.

Ipinagpatuloy ko ang ginagawa at sising-sisi sa naging kasalanan ko sa lalaki.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pinasok ko pa 'to. Una pa lang naman, sigurado na akong
masasaktan ko lang si Leon.

I had a lot of issues, and he shouldn't be the one who helped me deal with them.

Hindi ako dapat nagpadala sa kilig at saya lang. There are many moving parts in a
relationship, and even if I think I'm falling in love with him, the fact that I
have negative thoughts about him is just wrong.

Hindi ko puwedeng sabihing mahal ko ang lalaki kung malulungkot ako tuwing
makukumpara siya sa akin. Hindi ko puwedeng sabihing dalisay ang nararamdaman ko
para sa kanya kung patuloy ko siyang itatrato bilang kalaban.

Love isn't supposed to be like that.

Love is the sound of applause that may be heard in the background while someone is
delivering a speech in front of a crowd. Love is smiling to yourself in private
while your partner is being praised and complimented by others. Love is a symbol of
pride, the silent cheers, and the hidden anchoring . . . not the deep-rooted
jealousy.

Kaya wala akong karapatang sabihing mahal ko si Leon kung hindi malinis ang
nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

To: Leon Ysmael

Hi. The exams are approaching. Do you want to study with me? I'll be at the library
after our class. Nagdala rin ako ng lunch kung sakaling sasabay ka.

Pikit-mata kong isinend iyon. It was during our break time, and he was seated
directly across from me; yet, I couldn't get up and ask him directly.

Mula sa pagbabasa ay sumilip siya sa umilaw na cellphone sa tabi ng libro niya. He

then raised his head and looked at me with a blank expression. Sinubukan kong
ngumiti, ngunit bago ko pa tuluyang magawa iyon ay yumuko na ulit siya.
I felt a slight pinch in my heart, but I disregarded it right away.

Wala pa 'yan sa mga nasabi at naisip mo tungkol sa kanya, Amari.

Nag-vibrate ang cellphone ko at dali-dali kong tiningnan ang naging reply niya.

From: Leon Ysmael

Just do your thing. I'm not interested.

Parang may sumakal sa dibdib ko nang mabasa iyon. Hindi agad ako nakapag-angat ng
tingin sa kanya dahil pakiramdam ko ay makikita niya ang sakit sa mga mata ko.

To: Leon Ysmael

Okay. Aral ka nang mabuti.

I forced myself to take a few deep breaths to relieve the heavy feeling that was
building up in my chest. I felt dismissed and rejected, but again, wala iyon
kumpara sa ginawa ko.

To: Leon Ysmael

Just let me know if you still want the packed lunch, and I'll give it to you later.

From: Leon Ysmael

No, thank you.

Tuluyan kong ibinaba ang cellphone. Wala akong lakas ng loob para tingnan siya kaya
hanggang sa makarating ang instructor namin ay nakayuko lang ako. I would just text
him again later. Siguro ay kapag hindi ko na siya kaharap.

"Do you remember the ABC model of psychology I taught you before?" tanong ni Ms.
Lubrica sa klase. "A is the antecedents, B is the behaviors, and C is the
consequences."

"Yes, ma'am," the whole class answered.

"Well, I want to address it more thoroughly this time because our subject is
psychological assessment and we need to understand the basis of one's behavior,"
she said. "So . . . aside from Mr. Zamora and Ms. Mendoza, do you guys think that a
person's trauma, fears, and past are valid reasons for his or her bad behavior?"

Nagtaas ng kamay si Zoey.

"Yes, Ms. Alfaro?"

She stood up. "Ma'am, I think that a person's trauma is not an excuse to keep
inflicting pain on others," she said. "Yes, it's not your fault if everyone around
you tells you that you're nothing and will never amount to anything, but it's up to
you to figure out how to make peace with that pain, how to move on from it, and how
to create a life that is rewarding for you despite it."

I gulped as a familiar chord started to pluck at my chest.

"Good point," tumatangong sabi ni Ma'am.

"People today fear taking responsibility. Hindi naman porke't nasaktan tayo dati ay
may karapatan na rin tayong manakit ng iba. Be responsible for your actions,
because even though your trauma wasn't your fault . . . it wasn't another person's
fault either. Syempre bukod do'n sa totoong nagdala sa 'yo no'n," Zoey added as she
shrugged. "The fundamental line is that we cannot let our grief and pain transform
us into demons that leave a trail of damage in all that they do."

"True!" pagsang-ayon ni Shaira. "Marami po sa social media ngayon na vina-validate

na lahat. I mean, serial killers usually have bad upbringings, but does that give
them the right to kill?" Umiling siya. "Hindi puwedeng intidihin na lang lagi sila,
lalo na kung nakakasakit na sila sa iba."

"Well said," sabi ni Ma'am. "You guys are showing me that you're indeed in your
third year."

"Naks, may recitation ako," natatawang bulong ni Shaira.

Hindi ako makangiti. Somehow, the quick rundown of opinions struck something deep
within my being. My antecedent was my father putting weight on my shoulder, and my
behavior was bringing Leon down . . . kaya kami nandito ngayon.

Should I blame my dad? No . . . I was the one at fault.

Ako ang nagsabi ng masama kay Leon. Ako ang may naisip na hindi tama.

I should know how to deal with my father's pressure, put it behind me, and build a
good relationship with someone who did nothing but take care of me.

"Keep in mind that just because we tell them to take accountability doesn't mean
we're dismissing their trauma," sabi ni Ms. Lubrica. "Just don't give other people
wounds to heal, because you know that it takes time to get better."

Hindi iyon nawala sa isip ko hanggang sa matapos ang klase. I remember Leon saying
that we should be responsible for the choices we make . . . and I think it is time
for me to really apologize to him for making such a bad choice.

To: Leon Ysmael

Hi, uuwi na rin ako. Puwedeng sumabay?

Nauna siyang umalis ng room at hindi ko naman siya nahabol dahil nakita kong
naghihintay na ang mga kaibigan niya sa labas kanina. I want to ask him again to
have lunch with me or study with me, but it was quite clear that he was upset with
me, and I don't want to make things worse between us.

Naghintay ako ng tatlumpung minuto pero wala akong natanggap na reply. After giving
the packed lunch I prepared earlier to a homeless child outside our university, I
went home feeling hopeless.

Unang araw pa lang naman ng paghingi ko ng tawad. Leon was patient all this time.
Hindi ako dapat magsawa.

I did the same thing the next few days. I cooked food even though it always ended
up going to a homeless child or elderly person because Leon often managed to dodge
my bullet.

Para kaming nagkapalit ng posisyon . . . at napagtanto kong hindi madali ang

ginagawa niya.

To: Leon Ysmael

I made a copy of my notes. Would you like some?

From: Leon Ysmael

I have my own.

To: Leon Ysmael

Baka lang may na-miss ka rin. I reviewed all the pdfs back to back. You can check
mine. Just say a word and I'll give it to you now.

From: Leon Ysmael

No need. I went over everything too.

"Mari, pahiram na ng notes mo, please!" sabi ni Meg. "Alam kong hindi ka basta-
basta nagbibigay ng reviewer pero parang awa mo na! Ililibre kita ng lunch buong
linggo!"

I took a quick glance at Leon once more, and my heart throbbed in pain when I
realized that he really didn't want my notes.

Syempre, mas may tiwala siya sa gawa niya. Hindi niya kailangan ang akin.

"Oh . . ." saad ko bago iniabot kay Meg ang folder. "Na-highlight ko na rin d'yan
'yong mga posibleng lumabas sa exam."

"Yey! Hulog ka ng langit!"

Hindi ko na alam kung ano pang gagawin kong paglapit kay Leon. I wanted to
apologize to him, but I didn't want to do it over a text message.

Kahit hindi niya na ako gustuhin ulit . . . basta makahingi lang ako ng tawad, okay
na. Mukha namang wala na rin siya pakialam sa akin. The only thing I could ask for
was for him to know I was sorry.

To: Leon Ysmael

Ang bilis mong nakasakay ng jeep. Sayang at hindi kita naabutan. Hahaha. Ingat ka.

I sent it after rushing after him. I kept calling him, but a lot of students were
between us, so my voice got lost in the crowd. Pagkalabas naman ng university ay
nakasakay na agad siya sa isang punong jeep. I couldn't do anything but watch him
leave while wiping the sweat off my forehead.

To: Leon Ysmael

I saw that you were still online. Nasa tree house ka?

To: Leon Ysmael

Malamok ba d'yan kapag ganitong oras? You should get yourself a mosquito repellant.

To: Leon Ysmael

Did you bring any food or water? I'm still wondering how you slept there, knowing
you might get hungry.
He did not respond to any of my messages, so I had no choice but to let it go.

To: Leon Ysmael

Good night. I hope you sleep well on your mat. I'll bring some relieving patches
tomorrow if your back hurts.

Pinilit kong huwag umiyak dahil kasalanan ko naman, at ang hindi niya pagpansin sa
akin ay resulta ng naging ugali ko.

I deserve this. I have earned the pain of missing him. I deserve to suffer from my
longing for him.

I wonder, after all this . . . if he would still want me. Kahit naman kasi paulit-
ulit kong itatak sa isip ko na ayos lang sa akin na ayawan niya ako, alam kong may
parte pa rin sa puso ko ang gustong ipagpatuloy ang relasyong binubuo namin.

That if I were given a choice between hating or loving him . . . I knew I would
fight my own feelings just to let the latter win.

Maaaring matisod ako habang ginagawa iyon. Maaaring mag-isip pa rin ako ng hindi
maganda. Maaaring maulit ang pananakit ko sa kanya.

But at the end of the day, I knew I wouldn't be able to let go of the feelings that
I had for him.

Even if he decides to leave. Even if he regrets ever liking me. And even if he
realizes that he deserves better.

Days passed and nothing had changed. Tuwing sinusubukan kong lumapit sa kanya ay
bigla kong naiisip na baka mainis siya kaya nababahag ang buntot ko. Hindi ko na
alam kung ano pang gagawin ko para makausap siya ulit. Bihira naman kasi ang pagre-
reply niya.

"Mari, may nag-text sa 'yo," sabi ni Zoey habang inginunguso ang cellphone ko.

Thinking it was Leon because he was currently on his phone, I excitedly opened it .
. . only to be disappointed.

From: Mr. Mendoza

Meet me at the Grand Hyatt after your class. We have a lot to talk about.

I'm not sure what to say. He was the last person I wanted to talk to because I knew
that a single word from him could destroy all of the progress I had made in getting
my thinking right. Baka kapag nakausap ko siya ay maligaw na naman ako . . . baka
maging makasarili na naman ako.

To: Mr. Mendoza

May group study po kami mamaya. Exam week na po kasi namin.

From: Mr. Mendoza

Lay off the excuses, Amari. If you don't show up, I'll have to ask you all to leave
my apartment.

From: Mr. Mendoza

I'm doing this for you.

I clenched my fist hard and gritted my teeth when I realized I had no choice but to
meet him. Kaya naman pagkatapos ng klase ay paulit-ulit kong sinabi sa sarili na
hindi ko dapat hayaang maapektuhan ako sa mga sasabihin ng tatay ko.

"Mendoza."

Halos mapako ako sa kinauupuan ko nang marinig ang boses ni Leon sa tapat ko. I
instantly turned my head to look at him, and my chest burst with joy when I saw
that he was, indeed, standing in front of me, clutching a stack of papers while
staring at me with no expression on his face.

I cleared my throat as I stood.

"Hi . . ." I managed to say.

Ipinatong niya ang mga papel sa ibabaw ng armrest ko. "Review those. Para sa title
defense natin."

"Ah, okay!" I chuckled awkwardly. "'Y-Yon lang ba?"

My heart was beating so hard that it hurt. Hindi niya ba ako yayayaing kumain o
mag-aral kasama niya? Hindi niya ba ako . . . nami-miss? We haven't had any real
communication since I made a mistake . . . wouldn't he at least try to listen to
me?

I felt a sharp pain in my chest when he nodded.

I put on a smile. "Okay . . . ingat ka pauwi."

Ako na ang naunang magbawi ng tingin. Nagmamadali kong inayos ang gamit ko dahil
pakiramdam ko ay sasabog ang emosyon ko sa harap niya. I felt bad about what I had
done, but I didn't know what to do anymore. I'm used to being turned down and
ignored . . . hindi lang talaga ako sanay kapag si Leon.

"Uuna na 'ko," sabi ko dahil nanatili pa rin siya sa harap ko. "Aaralin ko lahat
'to mamaya," sabay taas sa mga papel.

I gave him one last smile before walking past him. Nang tuluyang makalabas ng
university ay sumakay agad ako ng bus patulak sa Grand Hyatt kung saan kami
magkikita ni Dad.

My emotions were all over the place, but at least I heard Leon call me Mendoza
again. At least I got to talk to him again, even if it was only for a short time.

Babawi ako sa kanya. Isang mahabang pag-uusap lang . . . aaminin ko sa kanya ang
lahat.

Ang pagsasaya ko noong na-late siya dahil nakakapag-recite ako nang walang
kakumpitensya, ang kondisyon ng tatay ko kapalit ng pananatili namin sa apartment,
at ang totoong nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

I would be completely honest with him. Just one talk . . . and things would get
better.

"Did you do what I asked you to do?"

Iyon ang bungad sa akin ni Dad nang makaupo ako sa harap niya.
"Ang alin po?" kalmadong tanong ko kahit na alam ko naman ang tinutukoy niya.

"I did a background check on your boy and found out that he was in the middle of
transferring land titles." His lips arched into a smug grin. "He had a lot on his
plate at the moment. And if you can keep him in check, you'll beat him to the top."

I knew it. I knew that talking to him would be pointless.

"Hindi ko po gagawin 'yon kay Leon, Mr. Mendoza," I said firmly. "He worked as a
private tutor and an academic commissioner while dealing with land titles and
keeping up with his studies. Kung mayroong isang taong karapat-dapat na maging
valedictorian ng batch namin . . . alam kong hindi po ako 'yon."

Nakita ko ang pagdaan ng labis na galit sa mga mata niya pero hindi siya
nakapagsalita agad dahil dumating ang server para ilagay ang pagkain na siguro ay
inorder niya kanina.

"I see," he muttered. "Things were going in the opposite direction."

Tinibayan ko ang loob ko.

Yes, I'm a crappy person, but I will never use dirty tricks to get what I want.

"It looks like you've forgotten my rules . . ." He smiled. "Kung wala pala sa isip
mo ang pagiging top psychology student ng batch n'yo, I don't see the reason why
I'm talking to you."

I bit my lower lip when a sharp pain stabbed my heart.

"I told you. I'll only acknowledge you as my daughter once you prove yourself to me
. . . but so far, all you've done is disappoint me." He chuckled sarcastically. "My
firm needs the brightest students, not those who are vulnerable to irrational
impulses."

I felt like crying . . . but I couldn't. Not in front of him.

I know right now that my dream of hearing that I'm making my father proud is over.

"Dahil mukhang sinusuway mo na 'ko at wala ka nang paggalang sa akin, mabuti pang
putulin na natin ang ugnayan nating dalawa."

I put my hands together to collect my thoughts. It should be okay, Amari. You have
lived this long without him. You'll get by just fine.

"Do what you want, Mr. Mendoza," I whispered bravely. "If getting your recognition
means I'll have to reshape myself and create a monster within me . . ." Huminga ako
nang malalim nang maramdaman ang muling pagguhit ng sakit sa dibdib ko. "Inyo na ho
'yan."

Lalo siyang napangisi. "You're an idiot for falling in love with that guy."

I gulped the lump in my throat. "I'd rather be an idiot than a demon created by my
own destructive thoughts, Mr. Mendoza."

"Then I think you'll be okay without my apartment?"

I tightened my grip on my fist as I tried to keep a tear from coming out of my eye.
Amari, you're in control of your decisions. Hold yourself accountable for the
choices you make.

And so, slowly, I gave him a nod, breaking my heart a bit more.

"Kung 'yon po ang gusto n'yo . . ." marahang saad ko.

I don't want to change myself for him anymore. I don't want to make things worse by
continuing my damaging ways.

Baka makasakit ako lalo . . . baka hindi ko na mabawi ang totoong ako.

I am not competitive. I'm a lover of learning . . . but I'm not this competitive. I
am not driven by grades. Hindi ako 'to. Hindi ako ang tipo ng tao na magpapakalunod
sa pag-aaral at mananakit ng iba para lang umangat.

Ayoko nang magbago. Ayoko nang masaktan ko si Leon lalo.

I didn't want to be hunted down by my demons again. Ngayong ramdam na ramdam ko ang
paglayo ni Leon ay alam kong malaki ang naging pagkakamali ko. If this doesn't stop
now, I will surely destruct myself.

At hindi ito ang natutunan ko sa sikolohiya. Hindi ito ang itinanim sa akin ni Ms.
Lubrica.

My dream is to be a psychologist who will help people get over their trauma, and
for now, this is my first and most vital step to get over mine.

"Do you really think Leon is in love with you?" natatawang tanong niya. "You are
too hard to deal with, so it's only fair that your first boyfriend cheated on you."

Hindi ako umimik. Of course, he did a background check on me too.

"Lahat ng lalaking mapupunta sa 'yo ay mapapagod sa ugali mo. You're insecure,

toxic, and overreacting. You think you know everything, but in reality, you're just
too draining to be around," he said, with the goal of hurting me . . . and he was
doing quite a good job. "Sinasabi ko 'to sa 'yo bilang tatay mo. I've been with you
for only a few years, pero masasabi kong mahirap kang pakisamahan. Puro ka sarili
mo. You never think of others."

"H-Hindi po totoo 'yan," sabi ko, bahagyang nanginginig ang boses.

Tumawa siya. "Syempre hindi mo naman mapapansin 'yon. Hindi ba at kaya hindi mo
sinabi sa mga kaibigan mo ang kondisyon ko sa 'yo ay para maipakita mo sa kanila na
sinuwerte ka? Para isipin nilang nakakaangat-angat ka?"

I gritted my teeth. "Hindi ko po sinabi dahil ayokong masira kayo sa kanila."

"Liar . . ." he said, shaking his head. "But okay. If you want to keep this game,
I'll let you stay in my apartment, but the rent will be 8,000 per month." He stood
up and chuckled. "I thought you were different, but it turned out that you were
just a whiner with a high IQ but bad decision-making skills."

He left, and I sat there processing what happened.

Today, I lost my father . . . even before I had the chance to experience having
one.

Hindi ko alam kung paano, pero nagawa ko pang ipabalot sa server ang pagkaing hindi
namin nagalaw para iuwi iyon sa mga kaibigan ko.

"Itira natin ang iba kay Karsen, ha?" sabi ni Kat nang makita ang pagkaing dala ko.
"Mill! Kumain ka na rito! Sabayan mo 'ko!

And as I watched them eat, I made a promise with myself that I would work three
times as hard to ensure that they lived a stress-free life in this apartment.

Hindi ko sasabihin sa kanila ang tungkol sa renta. I knew Kat would take on the
responsibility again, and I didn't want that to happen, especially because she was
a graduating student.

Walong libo . . . kung gusto kong makuha iyon ay kailangan ko ng hindi bababa sa
labingtatlong kliyente buwan-buwan. Bukod pa ang sariling panggastos.

It will be hard . . . but I'll be better. I'll do better.

To: Leon Ysmael

Hello, I did something today that will make you proud. I'd tell you about it one
day . . . kapag siguro magkaibigan na tayo? O kapag hindi ko na makikita ang inis
sa mukha mo kapag nagtetext ako? Hahaha. Kidding. But really, thank you for making
me see things so early, Leon. Everything we did together will be remembered fondly
because I realized that your absence from my life is a huge step toward my personal
growth. Hindi ko masasabi sa 'yo lahat ng 'to sa personal, pero ang dami kong
kailangang gawin ngayon. Another obligation has been placed on my shoulders.
However, my heart feels lighter . . . and I want to thank you for being the
contributing factor to my development. I'm sorry for everything I did. Babawi ako
sa 'yo. Miss na kita. Sana hindi mo na ako iwasan . . . but take your time.

Napapapikit ako sa inis ako nang makitang hindi iyon nag-send dahil naubusan na ako
ng load. Sighing, I opened my messenger intending to message him there, but when I
saw that he had a Facebook story, I changed my mind.

I clicked on it and saw a picture of an old but beautiful woman walking on a

property with the caption, "You<i> deserve the world, nanay. I'll accomplish more
things for you. I promise."</i>

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa simpleng larawan at mga salitang iyon ay bumuhos ang
luha ko. It hurt my heart so much that it was hard for me to breathe.

Leon was a good son, a good student, a good brother, and a good person in general,
but I was so mean to him. . . I hurt him so much that I don't think I deserve him
anymore.

Habang iniisip kong maging magaling para kay Dad ay iniisip niyang maging magaling
din para sa nanay niya. We both had antecedents, but my behavior in the situation
was so bad that I no longer knew how to deal with consequences.

Maybe this is another important thing the universe is trying to tell me.

I deleted my supposed message and cried a little bit more.

Amari, you fell in love with the right person, but sadly, you will never be the
right person for him.

Chapter 17 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 17

That mindset was a game-changer.

In the days that followed, I got so busy with my work that I would often fall
asleep in class.

May mga pagkakataong madaling araw ako kailangan ng kliyente at tumatagal ako
minsan hanggang umaga kaya wala na akong pagkakataong matulog. I'd go straight to
school afterwards and would only sleep when the instructor couldn't see me or when
we had a break. Kadalasan ay pumupunta ako sa puwesto ni Meg at siya ang pinapaupo
ko sa upuan ko para doon ako makapagpahinga.

"Hindi ko pa rin gusto ang kulay ng eyeshadow," my client complained. "Ulitin mo

'yan."

"Ma'am, ang sabi n'yo po ay soft gray at deep purple," I said calmly as I picked up
my makeup remover. "Ikatlong ulit na po natin 'yan. Ginagaya ko naman po ang mga
ipinapakita n'yong eye look."

She frowned. "Paanong hindi uulit? My lipstick doesn't match my eyes."

"We can change your lipstick po."

Umiling siya. "I like my lips pink all the time."

"Mas ma-a-achieve po ang look na gusto n'yo kung may mas emphasized na eyeliner at
glamour na fake lashes," sabi ko habang tinatanggal ang eyeshadow niya.

"No."

I sighed. "Ma'am, kung gusto n'yo ng fierce look . . . we have fundamentals, and
your requests kinda don't match. Ayaw n'yo pong magpalagay ng falsies at eyeliner.
Ayaw n'yo rin ng mas matingkad na lipstick. Ang magiging resulta po talaga ay
natural look."

She shook her head again. "Just do what I told you to do."

Napatingin ako sa relo ko at pilit na itinago ang dismaya nang makitang isang oras
na lang ay kailangan ko nang tumulak papunta sa school. We have our camp today and
our instructors specifically told us not to be late. Hindi ko pa rin dala ang mga
gamit ko. Iuuwi ko rin kasi ang makeup trolley at ring light ko.

"Ma'am, pack up na po tayo after thirty minutes," hindi napigilang saad ko sa

kliyente.

She raised her eyebrows. "What?"

"May camp po ako, sinabi ko naman po sa inyo bago tayo mag-start. Three hours na po
ang session natin at kapag po hindi n'yo pa rin nagustuhan ang gawa ko, 'wag n'yo
na lang po akong bayaran."

She made a face, but she didn't say anything.

I did everything she asked, even though it wouldn't give her the look she wanted.
Mas bagay sa mukha niya ang light makeup, pero dahil sinabi niyang fierce look ang
gusto niya ay iyon ang hinahabol ko. Kaya lang ay masyadong magulo ang instructions
niya.

It wasn't new to me. I have worked with a few clients like her. May mga pagkakataon
pa ngang tumatagal ako ng apat na oras sa isang kliyente pero hindi man lang
dinadagdagan ang rate ko.

Hindi naman ako makapagreklamo dahil wala iyon sa terms and agreements ko. I know I
have to do something about it by now, lalo at malaki na ang mga bayarin ko. Hindi
ko lang magawang taasan ang rate ko dahil naririnig ko minsan sa ibang kliyente na
hindi high-end ang cosmetics na gamit ko.

I mean . . . they are paying me less than a thousand for a hair and makeup service,
and they expect that the cosmetics I used were from luxurious brands?

Mabuti nga at kapag ka-shade ko ang kliyente ay inuunti-unti ko sa kanila ang

ibinigay na Alya Foster foundation sa akin ni Shaira!

"Curl my hair before you go and I'll double your rate," nakangiting saad sa akin ng
kliyente, mukhang nagustuhan ang ginawa kong "no makeup" look, taliwas sa request
niya.

Pinigilan ko ang mainis. She said she wanted her hair straight!

"Hindi na po. Kailangan ko na talagang umalis, ma'am."

That was the last thing I could say before hurriedly packing up my things. Hindi na
ako nakapagpaalam nang maayos dahil kinailangan kong magmadali pauwi para ibaba ang
gamit ko at para kunin ang backpack na inihanda ko kagabi para sa camp.

Tumahip ang puso ko sa kaba nang makita ang napakaraming missed calls mula kay
Zoey. I was already thirty minutes late, and I wasn't even there yet! Nang
makarating ay tumakbo na ako mula sa gate hanggang sa tapat ng department namin
kung saan naghihintay ang lahat ng third year psychology students.

Nakita ko si Ma'am Abulencia na umikot ang mata nang mapansin ako.

"You're late again, Ms. Mendoza," suway niya sa akin na alam kong narinig ng mga
estudyante.

I wiped away the sweat that was trickling down the sides of my face, embarrassed
that everyone could see how haggard I looked in the morning and that I had kept
them waiting!

"I'm sorry po, ma'am," sabi ko.

Umiling siya na para bang dismayado sa akin. Hindi na siya nagsalita kaya kinuha ko
ang pagkakataong 'yon para makapaglalakad papunta sa pila ng mga kaklase ko.

Nararamdaman ko ang mga mata ng lahat sa akin, at ang ilan pa sa mga estudyante ay
nagpahayag ng kanilang pagkadismaya. Hindi ko naman sila masisisi dahil nakakairita
naman talaga kapag may late comer.

I went to the end of the line, but my friends couldn't come to me because Ma'am
Abulencia had already begun giving instructions in the front. Nagparinig pa siya
tungkol sa punctuality at nilunok ko ang hiya dahil totoo namang late ako.

I looked at the line for my male classmates. Dahil iilan lang sila, kitang kita ko
ang likod ni Leon lalo at nasa dulo din siya ng linya. Kapantay niya sina Zoey na
nasa bandang unahan.

He stood the tallest in the psychology department, and with his muscular, lean
body, physical attractiveness, and intellect, I'm sure no one from our department
hadn't noticed him.

Kung hindi lang siya mukhang masungit, siguradong maraming magfi-first move sa
kanya. I wonder what will happen if people find out that he's actually kind and
family-oriented. He has everything a person could want, and I'm glad I once
experienced being liked by him.

Titig na titig ako sa likuran niya nang bigla siyang lumingon sa direksyon ko. The
lens of his eyeglasses gleamed over the sun rays that were hitting its frame, and
as our gazes connected, I felt my heart fluttering in a mixture of surprise and
yearning.

Bago pa man niya mapagtantong pinapanood ko ang likuran niya ay nag-iwas na ako ng
tingin.

The scene was so familiar that I was slowly getting used to it. Sa tuwing
magkakaroon ako ng pagkakataon na titigan siya ay ginagawa ko, pero sa sandaling
naramdaman kong papalingon na siya sa akin ay mabilis akong umiwas ng tingin dahil
ayokong maweirduhan siya sa akin.

I heaved a sigh.

May mga araw na ipinagpapasalamat kong naging abala ako sa maraming bagay dahil
naging daan iyon para hindi ako makalapit at makapagpapansin sa kanya.

After we got the results of our final exams, the fact that he got the highest
scores wasn't a big surprise to me. Kaunti lang ang lamang niya sa akin, pero hindi
ko na labis na pinagnilayan iyon. It still made me sad, but not to the point that I
punished myself for it. Bawas na rin kasi ang oras ng pag-aaral ko dahil mas
maraming oras na akong inilalaan sa pagtatrabaho. Mabuti nga at maaga ang uwian
namin.

I wouldn't lie. I still miss him. I still look at his Facebook account and read our
old text messages and chats. I still find myself wondering late at night if he
still had feelings for me, but I always end up thinking that he may have realized
that he was better off without me.

He deserves better . . . and I'm far from being one. Kahit anong gawin kong
pagbabago. Hinding-hindi ako magiging karapat-dapat para kay Leon.

Nakukuntento na ako kapag minsan ay nahuhuli ko siyang nakatingin sa akin. Minsan,

kapag gigising ako mula sa mahimbing na tulog habang nagkaklase. Minsan naman ay
kapag nag-s-swatch ako ng lipstick at eyeshadow sa kamay ko.

Masaya na ako sa mabibilis na pagtatama ng mga mata namin. Ilang gabi ko na agad
iisipin 'yon. I would make up stories in my head and smile as I went to sleep,
thinking they were true.

"I'll assign the seats," sabi ni Ma'am Abulencia. "Jumbled 'to, ha? I'll mix all
the sections so that you'll get acquainted with your batchmates."

I kept my mouth shut while everyone complained. Sa ngayon ay gusto ko na lang

mapatapat sa upuan sa tabi ng bintana para may sandalan ako sa pagtulog. The camp
would be held at a campsite in Tagaytay, which is a few hours' drive from here, so
I would have the chance to catch some sleep on the way.
"Seats 4 and 5 in bus A, Ms. Alfaro and Mr. Palacpac . . ." pagsisimula ni Ma'am.
"Mr. Lupena, Ms. Umali, Ms. Bueno, and Ms. Casino, respectively, will occupy seats
6, 7, 8, and 9."

Ma'am Abulencia has a thing for arranging and matching things. Siya lang ang guro
namin na nausuhan ng seating arrangement at pairing. Kadalasan kasi ay hinahayaan
na kaming mamili kung sino ang gusto naming makatabi o makagrupo.

"Mari."

Napatingin ako kay Ms. Lubrica nang bigla siyang lumapit sa akin.

"Nag-work ka?" tanong niya.

I smiled as I nodded. "Ang daming request ng client ko kanina, ma'am."

"Mahaba naman ang byahe, makakapagpahinga ka." She tapped my shoulders. "Kung saan
kang bus mapapatapat, do'n ako magfa-facilitate. May dala rin kasi akong neck
pillow."

It warmed my heart. "Salamat po, ma'am."

Tumango siya bago ako muling tinapik sa balikat. Simula noong nalaman niya ang
tungkol sa amin ni Leon ay hindi siya nangahas na magtanong. Sa mga klase niya ako
madalas makatulog pero kahit isang beses ay hindi niya ako pinagalitan. Hindi ko
alam kung hindi niya ako nakikita o hinahayaan niya lang talaga ako.

I looked at the bus and saw that most of the students had already gotten on it.
Miski ang mga kaibigan ko ay hindi ko man lang namalayang natawag na.

The bus only had 45 seats, so we had to rent three of them to accommodate all the
students and faculty. Pinagbayad lang kami ng anim na daang piso para dito.

Team building at group dynamics ang gagawin namin dahil parte ng industrial
psychology ang human resource and management. It was a good strategy for
cultivating our leadership and engagement skills, both of which would come in handy
for those who planned to work in HR in the future.

"The last five seats at the back will be occupied by Mr. Calong-calong, Mr. Ramos,
Ms. Mendoza, Mr. Zamora, and Ms. Gatchalian . . ."

Kasabay ng pagtahip ng dibdib ko ay ang kaunting asaran mula sa kabilang section.

Napatingin ako kay Leon na parang walang pakialam na ako ang tatabi sa kanya, tapos
kay Paolo na inaasar na ng mga kaklase niya.

I grunted. Sa gitna pa talaga nila?

I kept a straight face to hide the growing tension in my chest. Nakakahiya! Baka
mabahuan si Leon sa akin! I was literally sweating earlier!

"Sino'ng pipiliin ko? Mahal ko o mahal ako?" pagkanta ni Shaira nang makitang
papasok kaming limang tinawag sa bus.

Katabi niya ang pinakatahimik naming kaklase pero ang ingay niya pa rin!
Nakangising-aso pa siya sa akin na parang tuwang-tuwa siya sa nangyayari. Paano ba
naman kasi ay matagal niya na siyang nagtatanong kung magkagalit kami ni Leon.
Hindi na raw kasi kami nagpapansinan.
"Leon, palit tayong puwesto!" narinig kong sigaw niya. "Gusto kong katabi si
queen!"

"Bawal daw," maikling sagot ng lalaki.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago naglakad papunta sa pinakadulong upuan. I sat down in
the middle of the five seats and grimaced a little because I knew it would be hard
for me to sleep in this situation. Bukod sa walang bintanang puwedeng sandalan ay
katabi ko pa sina Leon at Paolo.

"Late ka, ah?" saad ni Paolo nang makaupo siya sa kanan ko.

Tipid akong ngumiti. Matapos ang chat ko sa kanya noon ay hindi na kami nagkaroon
ng tyansa na makapag-usap ulit. Good thing he understood what I said right away.
Hindi naman siya nangulit . . . at sa paraan ng pakikipag-usap niya sa akin ngayon,
mukhang hindi rin naman masama ang loob niya sa akin.

"Oo, sorry . . . may ginawa lang," sagot ko.

"Wala 'yon!" tawa niya. "Imposible namang umalis din tayo on time. Nauna ka pa nga
kay Dean."

"Wala pa rin hanggang ngayon?"

"Kararating lang."

Tumango ako at pilit na pinigilan ang sariling mapatingin kay Leon . . . pero agad
din namang nabigo. Inilagay niya ang backpack niya sa head compartment, katabi lang
ng gamit ko. His gaze met mine briefly before he sat to my left.

As soon as I smelled his familiar scent, it brought back so many fond memories of
him that I couldn't help but feel a pang of longing.

Sabagay . . . sino ba naman kasing hindi makakamiss sa kanya?

He touched the deepest part of me, and for a short time, I knew I was the lucky
one.

Masarap magmahal si Leon . . . o magkagusto. Mararamdaman mo talagang aalagaan at

pagsisilbihan ka niya.

However, I'm not sure if I can hope for him to find someone deserving of his love
yet. Hindi ko pa kayang magsinungaling sa sarili ko ngayon, at kung sakali mang
makahanap siya, sana ay hindi ko na lang malaman.

Not sending the message was a smart move. At least, even after we slowly went our
own ways, he wouldn't know that he had a meaningful place in my heart. He wouldn't
feel guilty for not wanting me anymore. Malaya akong susulyap sa kanya nang hindi
niya iniisip na nanghihinayang ako sa aming dalawa.

"Gusto mo?" tanong ni Paolo habang inilalahad ang sandwich sa harap ko.

I hadn't eaten anything yet, but I shook my head.

"Thank you."

Wala akong dalang kahit anong pagkain dahil hindi naman ako nakabili. Nag-grocery
kahapon sina Shaira at Meg pero hindi ako nakasama. Bukod kasi sa may kliyente ako
ay matindi rin ang ginagawa kong pagtitipid. My first rent payment was approaching,
but I still had a lot to earn. Paano pa kaya next sem kapag nag-conduct na kami ng
thesis talaga?

"Kunin mo na," Paolo insisted. "Late ka. Siguradong hindi ka na nakapag-umagahan."

I smiled. "Oo nga, eh. Pero hindi pa naman ako nagugutom. Mamaya na lang."

"Sige, ha? Ire-reserve ko na," natatawang sabi niya.

I heard Leon sigh deeply, which took my mind off of Paolo. Nilingon ko siya at
napansin kong nagsisimula nang magsalubong ang mga kilay na parang naiinis siya sa
nangyayari.

Pasimple kong inamoy ang sarili sa takot na baka hindi niya nagustuhan ang amoy ko.
I don't smell weird, but I did feel a little self-conscious. Umisod ako palayo sa
kanya at bahagya akong kinabahan nang pairap siyang tumingin sa akin, lalong
lumalim ang kunot sa noo.

"All right, psychology students, I'll be your facilitating instructor, and if you
need anything, I'll be here at the front," saad ni Ms. Lubrica na pumutol sa
tinginan namin ni Leon.

I settled my head on the backrest of the chair and took a few slow, deep breaths.
Gumawa ako ng maliit na agwat sa pagitan namin ni Leon, dahilan kung bakit tumama
ang balikat ko sa balikat ni Paolo.

Nang umandar ang bus ay saka ko ipinikit ang mata. My position was uncomfortable
and awkward, but I knew I needed to close my eyes if I wanted to keep my sanity.

Hinihigit ni Leon ang atensyon ko at kapag hindi ako nakapagpigil ay baka panoorin
ko lang siya buong byahe.

"Mari—"

"Shhh . . ." suway ni Leon kay Paolo.

My lips twitched. Pakiramdam ko ay inis na inis si Leon sa akin. Hindi naman ako
ang pinatahimik niya, pero hindi ko maiwasang mag-isip lalo at nitong mga nagdaang
linggo ay halata ko ang pag-iwas niya. His text messages were dismissive, and if it
weren't for our paper, I knew he wouldn't talk to me.

With those thoughts in my head, I bowed as I allowed myself to fall into a deep
slumber.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal ngunit nang buksan ko ang mata ay alam kong may
mali akong nagawa.

"Asus!" sabi ni Shaira nang magtama ang tingin namin. She was standing in the
center of the bus, and of course she could see me because I was sitting at the
middle end!

Agad akong napabalikwas nang mapagtanto ang posisyon ko. Paano ay nakapatong na ang
ulo ko sa balikat ni Leon, at ang mga kamay ko ay nakakapit pa sa kanang braso
niya!

"Sana hindi na lang tayo nag-restroom break! Edi sana hindi ko nakita ang showbiz
happenings sa likuran!" pang-aasar pa ni Shaira, dahilan para maglingunan sa amin
ang ilang estudyante.
I could feel my cheeks heating up as I turned to look at Leon. Mukhang nagulat siya
sa pagbaling ko dahil bahagyang lumaki ang mga mata niya kasabay ng pag-aayos niya
ng salamin.

"Sorry!" I said defensively as I wiped some invisible dirt from his shoulder.
"Hindi ko sinasadya! Nako . . . sa susunod, itulak o gisingin mo na lang ako.
Kanina pa ba?" I panicked. "Sorry . . . nangalay ka? May dala naman akong first aid
kit. Gusto mo ng salonpa—"

My voice trailed off as he held my wrist and put it away, causing another wave of
panic and pain to wash over me.

"Sorry . . ." mas mahina nang sabi ko nang mapagtanto ang ginawa.

Bakit ba kasi hinayaan niyang makatulog ako sa balikat niya? Puwede niya naman
akong gisingin o itulak. Maiintindihan ko naman.

Nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. Sigurado akong naiinis ko siya. Pinagpagan ko pa

ang balikat niya kahit na wala naman akong nakikitang dumi.

God, Amari, what have you been doing?

"It's okay," he said coldly.

Umiling ako. "Hindi na mauulit . . . sorry."

He exhaled. "Para saan ba?"

Napakurap ako. "Huh?"

Blangko siyang tumitig sa akin.

"Para saan ka nagso-sorry?"

Natahimik ako. I wasn't too ignorant to understand what he was implying, but before
I could even process my words, he went back to leaning on his chair as if he was
done with me.

Hindi na ako nakabalik sa pagtulog matapos iyon. Paolo kept me entertained, but I
couldn't help but think about Leon and when I would get the chance to apologize to
him, especially because it looked like he was still mad at me . . . which was
something really understandable.

My apology was long overdue, and I couldn't think of ways to do it properly without
telling him everything.

Kung sakaling magkakaroon ako ng pagkakataon, mas mainam sigurong aminin ko na lang
sa kanyang nagkamali ako, taliwas sa una kong planong sabihin ang lahat sa kanya.
I'm sure he wouldn't be interested in my father's mandates or . . . how I feel
about him. Wala naman kasi iyong koneksyon sa pagkakamali ko.

When we finally arrived at the campsite, the first thing we did was unload all of
the supplies that we would need. I did all in my power to pull my thoughts away
from Leon because I didn't want to carry a sense of guilt with me throughout the
day.

"Mari, kunin mo na 'to," muling saad ni Paolo bago iniabot sa akin ang sandwich na
kanina niya pa ibinibigay. "Ayokong magkasakit ang happy crush ko," pambobola niya
pa.
I chuckled at his humor as I accepted it. "Salamat dito, Paolo. Sakto, nagugutom na
rin ako."

Tumingin ako sa paligid at gaya ng laging nangyayari ay nahigit na naman ni Leon

ang atensyon ko. May dala siyang tent bags ngunit ang ulo niya ay nakapaling sa
direksyon namin, magkasalubong ang kilay at bahagyang nakaawang ang namumulang
labi.

Pinanood ko kung paanong lumapit siya sa isang facilitator at parang may sinabing
importante rito. Maya maya pa ay lumingon ang kausap niya sa puwesto namin at
tinawag si Paolo para tumulong sa pagbubuhat ng iba pang gamit.

I took a deep breath and just surveyed the surroundings.

Nakahanda na ang obstacles para sa team building namin dahil may nauna nang
facilitators dito. The area was studded with towering trees, and the landscapes
were neatly tended all around. Mayroon ding maliliit ngunit wala pang sinding mga
poste para magsilbing ilaw namin mamaya. Towards the end of the trail, I could see
a little, still lake bordered by a few more bushes.

It wasn't long before the tents were set up and we were called to prepare for our
first activity. Pabilog kaming umupo sa damuhan at dahil marami kami ay malaking
bilog ang nagawa namin. A facilitator and a game master were stationed in our
center, explaining what would be our activities.

"First of all, since this is a supposed part of your group dynamics subject, all
the activities will be in groups or pairs," saad ng game master. "Nasa one hundred
plus kayo, so we'll have to create at least 10 groups with 10-11 members each. You
can expect that we'll mix up the sections so that everyone can get to know their
fellow students."

Pinigilan ko ang mapasimangot. Ayan na naman sa ibang section. Nakakaconscious!

Bitbit ang isang box ng mga papel ay lumapit sa amin ang facilitator. We were told
to pull out a piece of paper with a number on it, and I ended up with number 4.

Pinagsama-sama ang magkakagrupo at hindi ko alam kung anong sumpa ang ipinatong sa
akin ng mundo dahil kagrupo ko sina Leon at Paolo! I mean, the latter would be okay
as a groupmate . . . but Leon?!

"Shet, secured!" sigaw ni Shaira nang makitang magkagrupo kami. Lumingon siya sa
mga kasama pa namin at napangisi. "Maricar, sinuwerte ka rin, ah?"

Tumawa ang babae. "Kung quiz bee 'to, oo."

"Lipat ka ng ibang group. Baka matalo kami," pang-aasar pa ni Shaira na tinawanan

ng iba naming kagrupo.

Nanatili akong tahimik. Aside from Maricar, Shaira, Paolo, and Leon, I know no one
from our group. Puro sa section C at B na kasi sila. Anim na lalaki at apat na
babae kami. Sina Zoey at Meg ay mukhang sinuwerte rin dahil magkagrupo sila.

"Okay, for the first activity, you'll have to create a flag with your group name on
it.," paliwanag ng game master habang nag-iikot na ang facilitator para ibigay ang
mahabang stick, katsa, at acrylic paint kung saan namin gagawin ang flag. "Hindi
n'yo 'yan puwedeng iwan kahit saan or else, the other group will get it and you'll
immediately lose 20 points in your overall score."
"Uunahan ko na kayo, hindi ako magaling mag-drawing," sabi ni Shaira nang maiabot
sa amin ang gamit. "Magaling lang akong magmahal ng bestfriend ng isa d'yan!"

I threw her a disgusted look as she chuckled. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung dapat kong
ipagpasalamat na kagrupo ko siya o ano.

"Ikaw, Leon? Magaling ka bang magmahal ng bestfriend ko?"

I grunted.

"Luh, queen! Feeling ka." Tumawa siya. "Si Meg ang bff ko!"

"Shut up, Shai. Magsimula na tayo."

Ngumisi si Paolo. "Medyo maalam ako . . . ano bang concept ang gusto n'yo?"

"I can draw and paint, too," Leon said as he picked up the brush.

"Ay, oo! Magaling 'yan!"

Pinag-usapan namin kung ano ang gusto naming nakalagay sa flag. Paolo and Leon were
in charge of it, and the rest of us just gave ideas.

"Dark blue yata ang magandang color para sa background . . ." I suggested.

Napatigil si Paolo bago nag-angat ng tingin sa 'kin. "Baka hindi bagay sa yellow."

"Oo nga, dapat light colors lang para di masakit sa mata," saad naman ng isa naming
kagrupo.

Tumango-tango ako. "Okay . . ."

Leon put down his paintbrush and looked up at me.

"Blue and yellow go together."

Napakurap ako. Ako ba ang sinasabihan niya?

"'Wag na, mag-beige na lang tayo," sabi ulit ni Paolo.

Leon shook his head. "We need contrasting colors to make our flag stand out. Yellow
for warm tones, tapos blue for cool and deep tones."

I bit my lower lip to suppress a smile when I realized that we had the same opinion
. . . and that he was agreeing with me.

"Landi," bulong ni Shaira sa akin na hindi ko na pinansin.

We ended up with a deep blue background and yellow, and a few warm colors for our
emblem, with the group name "Skinner's Boxers" suggested by, of course, Shaira.

"Pick a leader," said the game master after seeing that all the groups were done.

"Si Leon na," agad na saad ng mga kagrupo namin.

Napatingin ako sa lalaki na ngayon ay mariing nakatitig sa akin. The intensity of

his eyes made me shiver.

I gulped as I looked away. "Oo nga . . . si Leon na."

He must have assumed that my competitive ass would want to take the lead and that I
would lose my mind if I was not selected to do so.

"Or si Paolo!" sabi ni Shaira.

I nodded slowly. "P-Puwede rin."

"Kahit sino basta 'wag si Maricar."

"At ikaw, gaga!"

"Si Leon na lang." Tumawa si Paolo. "Basta kapag pairing, baka puwede n'yo kong
pagbigyan kay Mari."

My cheeks warmed. "Sira."

"Minsan lang, eh," natatawa pa ring saad ni Paolo.

"Punyeta, team building 'to, huy!" reklamo ni Maricar.

Nagtawanan ang mga kagrupo namin. I just smiled. Alam ko namang nagbibiro lang si
Paolo . . . at kung sakali mang tototohanin niya ay alam naman niyang walang
posibleng mamagitan sa amin.

Amidst the laughter of our group, Leon, with furrowed brows and tightened jaws,
snatched our flag harshly and shoved himself in between Paolo and me.

"You chose me as your leader, and I'll decide who pairs up with who," he said
firmly, lowering his eyes to mine.

Shaira laughed hilariously. "Shet, exciting 'to!"

Chapter 18 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 18

Matapos naming kumain ng tanghalian ay nagsimula na ang team building.

Each team had a facilitator who would show us where to go next. The first ones
focused more on mental challenges like puzzles and problem solving than on actual
physical activities.

Ang grupo namin ang unang nakatapos kaya kami ang naunang mag-proceed sa iba pang
obstacles. We then passed a hurdle through sack racing, climbed a spider web made
of rope, and went to a maze of bottles where we were asked to walk through it while
wearing blindfolds.

Kalahati pa lang ng obstacles ang nalalagpasan namin ay nananakit na ang likod ko.
That spider web was a daredevil! Masakit sa kamay ang lubid at hindi naman ako
sobrang flexible para mabilis na makaakyat!

"Kaya pa?" tanong ni Paolo sa akin habang papunta kami sa susunod na obstacle.

I was out of breath, panting, and I could feel sweat dripping down my forehead.
Itinali ko na nga ang buhok ko dahil dumidikit ito sa batok ko!

God, I should've gotten enough sleep if I knew this was going to be this tiring!
"Matagal pa 'to, 'no?" I asked, almost breathless.

He chuckled. "Oo. Mga tatlong obstacles pa tapos 'yong isang major game mamaya."

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and let out a long sigh. Kahit si Shaira na
kanina pa daldal nang daldal ay nananahimik na. Mabuti nga at magaling ang mga
kagrupo namin. We didn't have to do much over because we got through all the
obstacles on the first try.

"We can take a break if you're tired," biglang sabi ni Leon.

He cast a swift glance in my direction as he ruffled his soft hair.

"We can't," Paolo replied. "Mauunahan tayong matapos ng ibang team."

The facilitator chuckled. "You're two obstacles ahead of the second one. Puwede
namang mag-water break."

Leon looked at our teammates. "Guys?"

I was hoping they'd say yes because I really needed a break! Hindi ko lang masabi
dahil mukhang ako lang naman ang may gusto no'n.

"Tapusin na muna natin para dire-diretso ang pahinga," sagot ng isang lalaking
kagrupo namin.

"Oo nga. Mabilis naman na 'yan," sang-ayon pa ng isa.

The rest of our group agreed. Ako lang ang hindi nagsalita. Wala na rin naman akong
laban. Majority wins.

"Mendoza?"

Napabaling ako kay Leon. "Hmm?"

"You want to rest?" kunot-noong tanong niya.

Dahan-dahan akong umiling. "Tama sila . . . tapusin na lang muna natin."

He tightened his jaw before he turned around and continued walking. Siya at ang
facilitator ang nauunang maglakad pero ilang hakbang pa lang ang nagagawa namin ay
tumigil siya sa gilid at pinauna ang mga kagrupo namin.

I was walking alongside Paolo and Shaira when he went behind us.

Naging conscious ako bigla sa paglalakad ko lalo at ramdam ko ang nanunusok niyang
tingin sa likuran ko. If Shaira wasn't too tired, I'm sure she would tease me about
it already. Good thing we reached the hurdle right away. Kung hindi ay baka
nahimatay na ako sa pagkailang.

"Okay, the next obstacle is called the Human Knot," sabi ng facilitator. "We can
actually do this anywhere, but you need a quiet place to get this done."

Totoong tahimik sa paligid dahil sa dulo ng campsite na kami dinala. Mayroong

obstacle #5 na nakalagay sa malaking puno kaya alam kong dito talaga dadalhin ang
lahat ng grupo.

"This obstacle will help you communicate better, solve problems better, and get to
know your teammates better," dagdag niya pa. "Now, I want you to arrange yourselves
in a circle and stand closely together."

Dahil sina Shaira at Paolo ang katabi ko ay dumikit agad sila sa akin. I looked
behind me only to see Leon frowning already. Paano ay wala pa kasi siya sa bilog.
Kunot na kunot ang noo niyang tumayo sa tapat ko at kung hindi pa ako nagkakamali
ay nabasa ko sa labi niya ang pagmumura.

I pursed my lips. Ang sungit.

"I-stretch n'yo ang mga braso n'yo at ilagay ang kanang kamay n'yo sa gitna ng
bilog," sabi ng facilitator na agad naming sinunod. "Now, randomly grab someone's
hand, but don't grab the hand of the person next to you."

Akmang kukunin ko na ang kamay ni Maricar nang agad kong maramdaman ang kamay ni
Leon sa akin.

Magkasalubong pa rin ang mga kilay niya ngunit ang mata ay nakatutok sa akin na
para bang may ginawa akong hindi niya nagustuhan.

Para akong mawawala sa wisyo sa paraan ng paghawak at pagtingin niya sa akin. He

was just grabbing my palm at first, but then, I felt his fingers gently making
their way to intertwine with mine.

I swallowed and turned away before he could see the emotions that were surely
present in my eyes. Ang init ng palad niya ay sapat na para lalo kong hilingin na
sana ay bumalik na kami sa dati . . . o sana ay hindi na siya magalit sa akin.

I don't know how long my feelings for him will last, but for now, I don't think I'm
ready to move on just yet.

"Okay, 'yong kaliwa naman."

Leon took my hand again, making our facilitator laugh.

"Magkaibang tao dapat ang hawak," sabi nito.

Pakiramdam ko ay umakyat lahat ng dugo sa mukha ko. Hindi ko sigurado kung napansin
ng mga kagrupo namin na kami ang tinukoy ng facilitator pero halos mapapikit ako sa
hiya nang marinig ko ang mahihinang tawanan ng mga babae naming kagrupo.

I nervously took Maricar's hand while Leon quickly reached out and held Shaira's.

"Kung alam ko lang na bawal ang katabi, sana hindi ako tumabi kay Mari,"
pagpaparinig ni Paolo na nagpatawa sa group namin.

Leon's hand on me tightened.

Lumabi ako. Kanina pa siya naiinis sa amin ni Paolo. Kung hindi ko lang alam na
galit pa rin siya sa akin ay iisipin kong nagseselos siya.

Ang kaso ay parang imposible naman 'yon dahil kung gusto niya pa rin ako ay hindi
naman para tumagal nang ganito ang away namin.

I tried to talk to him a few times, but he turned me down. Siguro ay kulang pa ang
effort ko o siguro ang pagtanggi sa mga paanyaya ko ang paraan niya para sabihing
tapos na kami.

"So, the trick of the game is that you have to untangle yourselves without
releasing your hands," nakangiting sabi ng facilitator.

"Ah, parang doctor quack quack!"

"Masakit-sakit sa katawan 'to," reklamo ni Shaira.

Tumawa ang facilitator bago tumingin kay Leon. "Mas magiging madali kung normal na
holding hands lang. No need to get your fingers intertwined."

Lalong nag-init ang mukha ko habang inaayos ni Leon ang pagkakawak sa kamay ko.
After that, he started giving orders to our group so that they could get themselves
untangled.

"Lumusot ka rito," sabi niya sa babeng kagrupo namin na sinunod naman nito. "Umupo
ka, Paolo. Tapos, padaanin mo pabalik 'to," dagdag niya pa.

My arms were crossed. I was holding Leon in my right hand and Maricar on my left.
Sinubukan kong mag-isip ng paraan para maalis ko ang buhol ko pero wala akong
makitang ibang daan nang hindi ko kinakailangang mapatapat kay Leon!

Maricar should sit down so that I could step over, but that would bring me closer
to Leon!

"Maricar, upo ka," Leon said, as if he knew exactly my dilemma! "Mendoza, hakbang."

I didn't want to do that, but I did it anyway, and now . . . I'm just one arm away
from his body! Mukhang napagtanto niya rin naman iyon dahil narinig ko ang
pagtikhim niya. I tried so hard not to turn my head toward him because I didn't
want him to see how red I was!

Nagpatuloy siya sa pagbibigay ng instructions sa mga kagrupo namin hanggang ang sa

natira na lang ay ang buhol sa pagitan namin.

He was still holding Shaira and me, and I don't know what happened, but I ended up
in between his arms! Nakasiksik ako roon habang hinihintay siyang tapusin ang mga
inuutos niya na hindi ko na naiintindihan!

Halos masubsob ako sa dibdib niya. Ang mga kamay naming magkahugpong ay nakababa at
kung wala kami sa activity ay para kaming magkayapos. I could hear his heart
beating quickly, at the same speed I heard when he first hugged me.

"Usap tayo mamaya . . ." palihim na bulong niya sa akin.

Napakurap ako kasabay ng pagbalot ng takot sa puso ko. "B-Bakit?"

Pagsasalitaan niya na ba ako? Sisisihin? Sasabihang mag-move on?

I chuckled nervously. "Ah! Sa . . . thesis, 'no?"

He was still giving out instructions when his gaze lowered to mine.

"No," he replied firmly.

Lalo akong kinabahan. "Okay . . ."

We were able to untangle ourselves before moving on to the next obstacles, but
then, Leon's words were still playing havoc with my head. Hindi ko alam kung ano
ang pag-uusapan namin, pero kung magkakaroon ng tyansa ay mabuting humingi na ako
ng tawad sa kanya. Kahit harapin ko pa ang galit niya.
We were granted some time to rest because we had to start the last activity at the
same time as the other teams. Kami ang naunang matapos sa lahat ng obstacles at
kapag kami rin ang nauna sa last activity ay kami na ang mananalo.

The prize money was a good 5,000 pesos, so even though my teammates don't seem to
be interested, I am. Limang daang piso rin iyon kapag napaghati-hatian.

"Sakit ng likod ko," reklamo ko kay Shaira habang minamasahe ang balikat ko.
"Lagyan mo 'ko ng patches mamaya, ha?"

"Okay, basta pahingi rin."

Tumango ako. "Maraming ipinadala sa 'kin si Kat."

Nakaupo lang kami sa isang putol na puno ng kahoy habang ang mga kagrupo namin ay
nagpapalit na ng damit. Shaira and I agreed not to change our clothes just yet
because the last activity could also be physical. Sayang lang kapag nadumihan ulit.

"Putangina si Leon," bulaslas niya, dahilan para sundan ko ang tingin niya.

Pinigilan ko ang mapasinghap nang makita ang lalaki na naglalakad palabas ng maliit
na banyo, nakaputing sando na hakab na hakab sa maskuladong katawan niya. He didn't
bother changing his denim jeans, and considering that he was the one who
practically did all the leading, they were starting to look a little bit ragged and
dirty.

"Grabe, ang init!" tawa ni Shaira. "Thaddeus, come pick me up. Inaagaw ako ng bff
mo!"

I couldn't react. Napako lang ang tingin ko sa lalaki. On his shoulder was the
black T-shirt he had worn during the obstacles. Ang backpack naman ay bitbit niya
lang gamit ang isang kamay.

He started to stroke his damp hair with his free hand and slowly scanned the area
as if looking for something. Nang madaanan ng tingin niya ang puwesto namin ay
napatigil siya. Bahagyang bumagal ang paggalaw ng kamay niya sa buhok nang magtama
ang mga mata namin.

"'Te, sabihin mo lang kung kailangan kong umalis, ha?" pang-iinis ni Shaira.

Tumikhim ako. Nakita kong inayos niya ang salamin bago ako nag-iwas ng tingin.

"Magsasando na lang din ako," I announced as I stood up.

My body suddenly feels hot for some reason I don't want to fucking admit!

"Gusto ko rin!" sabi ni Shaira.

I nodded. "Tara."

Sumimangot siya. "Hindi naman ako nakapag-shave ng kili-kili."

"So?"

"Hay nako, believe me! I'm all for body positivity, but I'm not comfortable showing
off my body hair. Saka na kapag may confidence na 'ko."

Nagkibit-balikat na lang ako. Kinuha ko ang gamit ko at nagpalit ng itim na sando.

Mabuti at mga sports bra at tube bra ang dala ko. Hindi ko na para problemahin ang
strap.

I let my loose curls fall to my waist and brushed the ends with a comb. I didn't
put on any makeup because I knew I would sweat again. Kinagat ko lang nang paulit-
ulit ang labi ko para mamula ito. I didn't change my ripped denim jeans either.
Wala naman kasi ako masyadong dalang bottoms. Just one sweatpants and denim jeans.
Gagamitin ko pa bukas.

"Ang sexy naman!" malakas na sigaw ni Shaira nang makalabas ako ng banyo.

I could feel the heat rising from my cheeks as everyone turned their attention to
me. Nakabalik na kasi ang ibang team at ang game master ay mukhang ipinaliliwanag
na sa lahat kung ano ang last activity dahil lahat sila ay nakabilog na.

I pursed my lips as I approached Shaira, feeling the heavy gazes that were aimed at
me. Sinubukan kong hanapin kung sino ang nakatingin sa akin at lalo lang akong
nailang nang makitang si Leon iyon. Paolo was sitting next to him. He smiled at me,
and feeling a little self-conscious, I returned his smile.

"Warm up muna tayo," sabi ng game master nang makaupo ako sa tabi ni Shaira.

"Ganda ng boobs mo," bulong ng babae sa akin.

"Shaira . . ." pagalit na saad ko.

"Sa 'yo lahat 'yan? Pahingi naman."

I glared at her in response.

Pumunta si Ms. Lubrica sa gitna ng malaking bilog at pinalitan ang game master.
Pasimple kong itinaas ang tela sa bandang dibdib ko sa takot na sumilip ang
cleavage ko. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung tama ba ang desisyon ko na magpalit pa ng
damit!

Si Leon kasi, eh!

"Before we do our last activity, we'll play a short game that will help us get to
know ourselves," nakangiting sabi ni Ma'am.

It was nearly the end of the afternoon, so the sun rays weren't too harsh on our
skin. There were only a few slivers of light that could pierce through the dense
canopy of trees.

Ang laro na iho-host ni Ms. Lubrica ay hindi magsisimula hanggang sa matapos ang
mga facilitator na mag-set-up ng campfire sa likod niya.

Once everything was ready, Ms. Lubrica stepped to the side, and the rest of us
waited as the flame grew.

"Our mini-game is called Flashback Highlights," sabi ni Ma'am. "Now, my dear BS

Psychology students, I want you to close your eyes and think about the best parts
of your life. The best highlights. The ones you'll want to experience over and over
again."

With the shallow heat from the campfire slowly getting in our skin, I closed my
eyes and take a trip down memory lane.

Best parts . . . I think I have a lot of them.

The best parts of my life were when my friends and I left the shelter and ate
together for the first time without thinking about going back.

Those times when I became thrilled because my father had gotten in touch with me,
as well as the hours leading up to our first dinner together. Kung paano ako nag-
ayos at nagpaganda, iniisip na totoong hinahanap niya ako.

Those times when a client tells me I'm a good makeup artist.

Those times when I went to college and learned from Ms. Lubrica. Pinagtibay niya
ang pagmamahal ko sa sikolohiya, at sa mga itinuro niya, pakiramdam ko ay nakilala
ko ang sarili ko.

Those times when I went to Davao and my father smiled at me for the first time, as
well as the realization that I'm developing romantic feelings for Leon. Kahit
masakit dahil hindi naging maganda ang mga araw na kasunod noon, the fact that I
liked him and then slowly fell in love with him is something that I'll continue to
consider one of the greatest moments of my life.

The heated arguments we've had, the sneaky looks we've shared, the back-and-forth
of text messages and personal conversations, the times we've spent quietly studying
next to each other, the tears I've shed, and the gentle, small hug we've given each
other.

"Now, guys, let's say the world was going to end in thirty minutes . . . what would
you like to do?"

Mag-sorry kay Leon. Sabihin sa kanyang gusto ko rin siya . . . na siya rin ang
nakikita kong pakakasalan ko pagdating ng araw.

I would kiss him, and let myself be swept away by life.

I would send "I love you" messages to my friends and tell them how grateful I am
that they traveled through this lifetime with me. Na kahit minsan ay mahirap akong
pakisamahan, hindi nila ako tinalikuran.

They took in the shattered pieces of me that I abandoned and made a home for them.

I want to end my life by holding Leon's hand while I watch the world come crashing
down around us.

That in our next lives, I wouldn't have as many wounds to heal because he had been
such a big part of my healing in this one.

"Alam kong lahat kayo ay may naisip na gawin, and so the question now is that . . .
what's keeping you from doing so?" tanong ni Ms. Lubrica. "Naisip n'yong mag-I love
you sa mga magulang n'yo? Sa mga kaibigan n'yo? Naisip n'yong umamin sa crush n'yo?
Mag-sorry sa mga nakasamaan n'yo ng loob?" she continued. "Why not right now? Why
would you do that only if you were about to die?"

I bit my lower lip when I realized that I haven't been sweet to my friends and that
it was still hard for me to say how I feel.

At . . . si Leon. Kailan ko ba balak umamin sa kanya?

Tama si Ms. Lubrica. Bakit hindi ngayon? Should I wait until the end of the world
before letting my guard down? Kung hindi na ako gusto ni Leon, edi makakapagsimula
na akong mag-move on.
I would forgive myself for not being enough. I would reward myself for not giving
up.

"Do that . . ." saad ulit ni Ma'am. "Whatever you're thinking right now, do that."

I opened my eyes, and as I did, my focus went straight to Leon, who was also
looking at me. His eyes were gentle, a stark contrast to the angry look he'd been
giving me ever since I'd done him wrong.

Mag-uusap kami mamaya at sisiguraduhin kong makakapag-sorry ako. If given the

chance, I'd say how I feel about him, too.

Whatever happens next is up to the whims of the universe.

"For your last activity, your group must make your own campfire somewhere in this
area using the resources you'll find," sabi ng game master na nakaputol sa tinginan
namin ni Leon. "Make sure na hindi kayo mag-isa sa paghahanap ng puwedeng gamitin.
Work in pairs. Hindi naman kasi puwedeng grupohan, 'di ba? I recommend that our
gentlemen go with our ladies."

Tumayo kaming lahat at pumunta sa kanya-kanyang grupo. Leon was holding our flag as
he made his way to us.

"The first one to finish will receive 200 merit points, and because the Skinner's
Boxers group was leading . . ." Tumingin sa amin ang game master. "Kapag kayo ang
nauna, kayo na agad ang panalo. Just shout your group name and raise your flag."

Nagtilian ang mga kagrupo kaya napangiti ako. I somehow feel confident that we'll
make it because of Leon. Hindi ko alam. Basta kapag kasama ko si Leon, pakiramdam
ko ay imposible ang pagkatalo. The sound of his name is almost identical to that of
the king of the jungle, and winning came easily to him . . . unlike me, who was a
loser from the start.

"Kami na lang ni Mari," sabi agad ni Paolo.

Leon poked the inside of his cheek with the tip of his tongue.

"Sino'ng may sabi?' masungit na tanong niya.

I bit the inside of my lower lip when I felt my cheeks getting hotter again. Jusko,
nakailang blush na ako ngayong araw! Wala ba siyang balak na patahimikin ako?!

"Ang ganda, grabe!" ekseheradang sigaw ni Shaira. "Lord, no'ng nagpaulan ng talino
at ganda, bakit rainbow lang ang naabutan ko?!"

I scoffed at her. Mabuti pa talagang pagod na lang siya para hindi siya nakakaimik.

Tumikhim ako. "Ano . . . kami na lang ni Shaira," saad ko. "We'll look for a great
spot for our campfire and figure out how to light it," dagdag ko.

Sumimangot ang babae. "Idinamay mo pa 'ko."

I lowered my gaze when I felt Leon's heavy gaze on me. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay
nilalapitan niya lang ako dahil nagseselos siya kay Paolo. If he didn't feel
threatened, he wouldn't even dare talk to me.

Pero okay na 'yon! Mag-iinarte pa ba 'ko? Ang tagal-tagal niya 'kong hindi
pinansin. I'd gladly take advantage of every chance to get his attention. Alam
naman ni Paolo na pinutol ko na kung ano mang gusto niyang mangyari sa aming
dalawa. He wouldn't assume I was entertaining him.

"Mamaya na kasi ang selos, Leon," natatawang sabi ni Shaira habang pinagpapares ng
lalaki ang mga kagrupo namin.

He rolled his eyes while shaking his head. "Kanino naman ako magseselos?"

Nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi sa naging sagot niya. I consciously adjusted the
strap of my sando, even though it was already in place.

"Kay Mari," matapang na sagot naman ng kaibigan ko.

Napanganga ako. "Shaira!"

"Wow, anong tsismis 'to?! May something kayo?" usisa ni Maricar.

I looked at Leon, hoping he'd confirm or deny something, but he didn't seem
interested. Naramdaman ko ang mga mata sa akin ni Paolo pero hindi ko siya
tinapunan ng tingin. I just kept my eyes on Leon.

"Leon, akala ko ba ay hindi mo type si Mari?!" Tumawa si Maricar. "Sinabi mo noon

sa tropahan natin na hindi siya ang babaeng tipo mo!"

Leon moved the bridge of his glasses. "Hindi naman talaga."

I felt like a fool at that time. Kasabay ng pagkirot ng puso ko ay siya ring pag-
ahon ng inis sa loob ko.

Pinaglalaruan ba niya ang nararamdaman ko? Habang sinusubukan kong maghanap ng

paraan kung paano kami magkakaayos . . . sasabihin niya lang na hindi ako ang tipo
niya sa harap ng mga taong 'to?

If he hates me that much, he should have told me. Hindi niya na kailangang ipahiya
ako.

"The feeling is mutual." I chuckled sarcastically. "Hindi rin ang mga kagaya niya
ang tipo ko."

"Mari . . ." si Shaira.

I shook my head. "Inaasar lang kami ng mga kaklase namin pero walang namamagitan sa
'min, Maricar. Imposibleng magkaro'n dahil hindi naman namin gusto ang isa't isa."

I could tell he was looking at me from the corner of my eye, but I didn't bother to
give him a peek in his direction.

"Leon could be with whomever he wants, and I won't give a fucking damn about it."
My lips quivered as I grinned. "And I'm sure he feels the same! Kahit
makipaghalikan ako sa kahit na sinong lalaki rito, walang pakialam 'yan."

Pumalakpak si Shaira na parang hindi siya ang pasimuno ng lahat ng 'to.

"Totoo! Saka may nagcha-chat sa 'yo, 'di ba? 'Yong haciendero? Akala ko ba ay
naghihintay ka na lang ng araw bago mo sagutin 'yon?"

"Really?" Paolo asked.

Tumango ang babae. "Oo kaya! Chix 'to, eh. Kaya nga madalas na siyang makatulog sa
klase namin! Labas nang labas at nakikipag-date do'n!"

I'm sure she was just lying because I don't remember talking to anyone. Siguro ay
naintindihan niya lang ang sitwasyon ko kaya binu-boost niya ang ego ko para
ipakita sa lahat na wala lang sa akin ang sinabi ni Leon.

"Sino?" untag ni Paolo. "Taga-school?"

"Ay nako, basta!" sagot ni Shaira. "Magugulat na lang kayo next month."

"Eh, gaga ka pala, eh! Bakit mo pa inaasar kay Leon kung meron na palang boyfriend
'yang si Mari?"

Lumabi ang huli. "Hindi ko naman kasi alam na seseryosohin n'yo."

I put on my blank expression and lifted my chin. Mag-uusap pa rin kami ni Leon
mamaya. Sigurado 'yon. Pero sa ngayon, ayoko muna siyang makita. I had enough pain
and rejection from him anymore. Mabuti pang ihanda ko na ang sarili ko sa
mangyayari mamaya.

"Paolo, saan ba tayo magsisimula?" tanong ko sa lalaki. "I saw an oak tree near the
lake. It can make good firewood."

"You're not going anywhere with him, Mendoza."

Tumaas ang kilay ko bago tinapunan ng tingin si Leon. "Says who?"

"Says the leader."

Napatawa ako. "Nice try."

"Mas sanay ako sa gan'yang Mari at Leon!" sigaw ni Maricar. "Mga halimaw sa debate
at sa totoong buhay!"

Hindi ko na siya pinansin. I walked toward Paolo, who looked confused about what
was going on. Tinanguan ko lang din ng isang beses si Shaira bago hinigit ang
lalaki palayo roon.

"What the hell was that?" maya maya'y tanong nito.

I sighed. "Sorry . . ."

"Seryoso, Mari. I don't know what happened." Puno ng pagtataka ang inosenteng mukha
niya. "Something is going on between you and Zamora, and you're currently in a
quarrel. That's my hypothesis."

We were that obvious, of course. Nadamay pa siya sa kaartehan namin.

"Well, hypothesis accepted, Paolo."

Napatigil siya sa paglalakad kaya napatigil din ako.

"Kayo?" tanong niya.

Umiling ako. "Muntik lang."

He narrowed his eyes on me. "Is he the reason why you rejected me?"

"Yeah . . . and I really don't see us going somewhere."

His lips curved into a grin. "Sakit mo naman."

Muli akong nagbuntong-hininga. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this."

"It's okay. I'm cool, you know? I accept rejections quite easily . . . and I find
you pretty so it's really okay."

Ngumiti ako. "Thanks . . ."

We started picking up firewood from the surrounding area. Marami kaming kasabay at
kaagaw mula sa ibang group kaya nakikipag-unahan talaga kami. We also got small
pieces of cardboard, twigs, and branches.

May iilang beses na nakasalubong namin sina Leon at ang ilan naming kagrupo pero
hindi ko siya tinapunan ng tingin.

I'm still hurt by how blunt he was. Alam kong hindi naman magbabago ang pananaw ko.
I would still apologize to him and would tell him what I really feel about him.
Magpapahinga lang ako saglit at bubwelo. Iyon ngang sinabi niyang hindi niya ako
tipo ay nasaktan na ako. Ano pa kaya kapag harap-harapan niya na akong inayawan?

Shaira found the perfect spot for our campfire, so after we got all the supplies,
we started putting it together. May lighter si Leon kaya hindi namin poproblemahin
ang apoy. I'm not sure if it's allowed, but because it's not addressed in the
regulations, I think it is.

"If looks can kill, I'm probably on my way to the funeral now," natatawang saad sa
akin ni Paolo. "You could've chosen me over that guy, Mari. Hindi ka niya type,
pero type kita."

Umirap ako. "Shut up, Paolo."

Matapos ilagay ang lahat ng nasimot namin sa gitna ay naupo ako sa putol na puno ng
kahoy. Leon then picked up a stick and started to light it with his lighter. His
muscular arms tensed as he split a twig into smaller pieces.

"Ba't kay may lighter?" tanong ng isa naming kagrupo. "Nagyoyosi ka?"

"Minsan," sagot niya.

Maricar chuckled. "Sus! Lagi kaya! Lalo nitong mga nagdaang linggo! Nakakaisang
kaha ka sa isang upuan."

Napailing ako. He said he only smokes when he has something in his head. I'm all
for supporting him in that, but if he smokes frequently . . . that will be a
problem.

"Mari, samahan mo 'ko," saad ni Paolo. "Kukuha pa tayo ng kahoy."

I sighed. "Ang sakit na ng likod ko. Ayoko na."

Tumawa siya. "Wala kang choice. Come on."

Leon threw down his lighter and the twigs he was furiously holding as he grabbed
the knife from one of our groupmate's hands.

Hindi ko alam kung saan galing 'yong kutsilyo dahil wala naman kaming ginamit na
ganoon ni Paolo kanina. We used nothing but our bare hands to cut through some thin
wood!

"Ako na," inis na saad ni Leon.

Napangisi si Paolo. "Do the honor then."

"Bumalik ka agad," sabi ko. "Maggagabi na. Baka mahirapan ka sa daan."

Tumango siya at pinanood ko lang ang pag-alis niya. Medyo padilim na ang langit
kaya nagdala siya ng flashlight. Hindi naman siya para maligaw rito dahil hindi
naman ito gubat.

Everyone in our group tried to light the fire. Tuwang-tuwa naman si Paolo nang
makita niyang napabaga niya ang isang kahoy.

"Saan mo pala nakuha 'yong kutsilyo?" tanong ni Maricar sa kaklase niya.

"Dinampot ko lang malapit sa lake." The guy shrugged. "It's around the area, so
it's valid."

We've already made a tinder bed out of the cardboard we've collected, and we've
even put kindling on top of it. Ngayon naman ay hinihintay na lang naming tuluyang
umapoy ang baga. Leon's lighter came in handy. Kita kasi namin sa ibang grupo na
nahihirapan silang magpaapoy.

Palingon-lingon ako sa paligid dahil sa tantya ko ay tumatagal masyado si Leon sa

pagbalik. Hindi ko naman masabi sa mga kagrupo ko lalo at nakita nila ang pagtatalo
. . . o palihim na pagtatalo namin kanina.

"Hoy, patapos na 'to," sabi ni Shaira. "Dala ni Leon ang flag natin. Nasaan na ba
'yon?"

I clenched my fist. "Naghahanap pa ng kahoy."

"Okay na 'to, ah! Ang dami-dami na, eh."

"Sabi ni Paolo kulang daw . . ." I said, looking at Paolo.

"Akala ko kanina kulang, eh. Estimate lang," depensa ng lalaki.

Naghintay pa ako ng ilang minuto pero hindi naman dumating si Leon. Tuluyan nang
nagdilim ang langit at alam kong hindi siya ganoon katanga para hindi malaman ang
daan pabalik. Sigurado naman akong darating din siya agad. I mean, he's Leon! He
couldn't have been hurt in any way!

But, fuck!

"Hahanapin ko na. Medyo nasaulo ko naman ang daan kanina. I'm sure he's just
somewhere around," hindi napigilang sabi ko sabay tayo.

"Baka magkasalisi kayo," sagot ni Shaira.

Well, I can't just sit here and wait for him when I know that he's probably been
caught up in something that's keeping him from getting here!

Desididong umiling ako. "Babalik ako after ten minutes kapag hindi ko siya nakita."

Kaya lang, bago pa ako makaalis ay naaninagan ko ang bulto ni Leon na papalapit sa
amin. He was holding what I think were bundles of wood in his left hand. Medyo
madilim kaya hindi ko makita nang maayos ang itsura niya.

"Leon, ano'ng nangyari d'yan?!" bulaslas ni Shaira kaya bahagya akong nataranta.

I rushed up to him right away and saw that his right arm was bleeding! Sira ang
dulo ng sando niya dahil itinapal niya ang kaunting tela sa braso niya.

"Here are the woods you need," he said like he wasn't hurting at all!

Sa galit at pag-aalala ko ay inis kong inagaw sa kanya ang mga kahoy at padabog na
itinapon iyon sa lupa.

Mabilis ngunit marahan kong inabot ang kanang pulso niya para suriin ang sugat.
Sigurado akong sa ilalim ng tela ay patuloy ang pagdugo noon. It wasn't too big,
but it definitely hurt!

"Sa kutsilyo ba 'to?" nagngingitngit na tanong ko.

"It's okay."

"It's okay mo mukha mo!" sigaw ko sa kanya. "Dumudugo, oh! Ano'ng okay d'yan?! Baka
mamaya ay magka-infection 'yan kapag hindi nalinis nang maayos!"

Galit akong tumingin sa lalaking kinuhanan niya ng kutsilyo.

"Hindi mo man lang ba chineck kung maayos 'yon?" pigil ang iritang tanong ko.
"Nagamit mo ba muna bago mo ipinagamit sa iba?"

"Mendoza, don't blame him . . ."

I faced Leon. "Ano bang ginawa mo at nagkagan'yan? Hindi ka naman tanga! I'm sure
it's the knife!"

Bumibigat ang paghinga ko. It was just a small wound, but the fact that he was
bleeding was scaring the shit out of me!

"May first aid kit ako sa bag! Kukunin ko muna para malinisan ko 'yan!" dagdag ko
pa, wala nang pakialam sa mga kagrupo kong marahil ay nagtataka sa kilos ko.
"Parang tanga! Nagdudugo ka na, nagdala ka pa ng mga punyetang kahoy na 'yan! Pa-
volunteer volunteer pa kasi!"

"I'll come with—"

"Maupo ka d'yan!"

Leon blinked once as he obediently sat down in the trunk.

I turned around to face the rest of our group, almost practically out of breath.

"Shout our group name and raise that flag! Kukuha lang ako ng gamot!"

Hindi ko na sila hinintay na makasagot. Tumalikod na ako at nagmartsa papunta sa

mga gamit ko.

My hands were shaking with worry, but what worries me even more is that Leon
doesn't seem to care about his wound! Puwede siyang magkaroon ng tetanus kapag
hindi niya 'yon nilinis! To think na sa tabi-tabi lang 'yon nakuha ng kagrupo
namin!
"Hey."

I gritted my teeth when I heard him behind me.

"Sinabi kong maupo ka, 'di ba?! Bakit ba hindi ka nakikinig?!"

Kinuha ko ang first aid kit ko at sa nagngingitngit na galit ay hinarap ko pa rin

siya. I'm not sure what's making me so mad. Hindi dapat ganito katindi ang pag-
aalala ko.

Kami lang ang nandito kaya hindi ako naiilang na sumigaw. We were beside the tents
because this is where we stashed our bags. Several muffled sounds of students
laughing and a guitar being played softly could be heard coming from the
background. But even so, I was so angry and concerned that I couldn't really care
about it.

Naupo kami sa lupa, sa likod ng malaking tent. Pinasandal ko siya sa isang puno at
pinatuwid ko ang mga hita niya. He just let me. Pumunta ako sa kanan niya at
tinanggal ko ang tela sa sugat niya. My heart almost sank when I saw it.

"Kung aalis ka nang mag-isa, 'wag ka namang babalik nang may sugat," nanghihinang
sabi ko habang binabasa ng tubig ang sugat niya. "Puwede namang kami na lang kasi
ni Paolo ang kumuha . . . bakit ba ang kulit mo? Just because you're the leader
doesn't mean you have to always volunteer."

I felt him brush the hair framing my face, but I didn't look at him.

"Galit ka?" he asked softly.

Hindi ako sumagot. I carefully rubbed the cotton swab with an antibiotic ointment
on his wound as my heart tightened in pain.

"Amari . . . galit ka?" mas malambing na tanong niya.

I shook my head in a response, trying not to get too emotional. Ang lambing lambing
na naman ng boses niya. Ang sarap na namang umasang gusto niya pa rin ako.

He heaved a sigh. "Umiling ka kanina no'ng nalaman mong napapadalas ang pagyoyosi
ko . . . ayaw mo?"

For some unknown reason, my eyes started to well up with tears.

I hate it. I hate that he sounded so much like my Leon. 'Yong Leon na hindi ako
kayang tiisin. 'Yong Leon na laging sinisigurado sa akin na ako lang. 'Yong Leon na
may pakialam pa sa akin. He sounded so much like him.

"Leon, 'wag mo na 'kong paasahin . . ." My voice cracked, eyes still on his wound.
"A-Alam kong galit ka sa 'kin, at may karapatan kang maramdaman 'yon. I-I was
harsh. I blamed you for something you couldn't control."

Binalot ko ng bandage ang sugat niya. Hindi ako makapag-angat ng tingin dahil
ayokong makita niyang may luha sa mga mata ko.

My lips trembled. "K-Kaya nga ako lumapit sa 'yo, 'di ba? I want to apologize . . .
I want to make things right . . . but you always ignore me, and again, that's
okay."

Parang may tinakalang sumasakal sa dibdib ko. I must have missed him so much that
it was painful to breathe.
"I'm so sorry, Leon . . . I'm so so sorry," I finally said, tears escaping my eyes.
"Alam kong imposible na. Alam kong hindi na tayo babalik sa dati. A-Alam kong na-
realize mo nang hindi ako ang . . ." I whispered as I swallowed hard, ". . . tamang
babae para sa 'yo."

"Amari."

Umiling ako. "L-Leon, no'ng absent ka, nagsaya ako kasi wala akong kaagaw sa
recitation," pag-amin ko. "Hindi ko alam na naghihintay ka sa 'kin sa waiting
shed . . . pero kasalanan ko pa rin kasi hindi ko man lang naisip na susunduin mo
'ko . . . kagaya ng lagi mong ginagawa."

Nagbagsakan ang luha ko sa labis na pagsisisi. I realized again that Leon would be
too close . . . yet not too close for me to hold. Na darating ang araw na may
makikilala siyang mas higit kaysa sa akin. Mas maganda. Mas matalino. Mas mabait.
Mas tipo niya.

He would forever be the goal I could never attain . . . dahil masyado siyang mataas
para sa 'kin.

Lumunok ako, naghahanda sa mga gusto ko pang sabihin, naghahangad na hindi ako
tuluyang iwan ng mga salitang gusto kong makarating sa kanya.

"G-Gusto kita, Leon . . ." I felt a tear come out of my eye. "Gustong-gusto rin
kita . . . kahit nahuli ako."

I was still not looking at him. My head was just bowed, my shoulders slumped, and
my tears were hitting the ground.

"I know . . . I know you don't feel the same anymore." Dahan-dahan akong tumango.
"A-Ayos lang. I have no expectations. I just want to let this off my chest . . .
kasi ang bigat-bigat."

Huminga ako nang malalim at buong tapang na nag-angat ng tingin. I met his gaze in
an instant. He looked like my words had made him drunk, as his eyes were so gentle
and full of emotions that the stars in the sky would be embarrassed by how brightly
they shone.

"You have no idea how much you've helped me grow." I smiled at him. "A-Ang dami
kong gustong i-kuwento sa 'yo . . . but I can't stay your friend. I can't just be
your friend, Leon." The weight in my chest slowly went away. "Someday, maybe. Kapag
naka-move on na 'ko . . . at kapag may lakas ng loob na ulit akong harapin ka."

I tried to stand, but before I could even do so, I felt his large hand grab mine
and pull me back down to the ground.

Nakatuwid pa rin ang mga hita niya at nasa kanan pa rin niya ako. He was leaning
against a tree, but I could feel his right arm slowly wrap around my waist.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked coldly.

"'Y-Yong sugat mo . . ." dinadaga ang dibdib na saad ko.

Inis niyang tinanggal ang salamin niya at inilagay ito sa kaliwa niya, dahilan para
makita ko ang madilim na mga mata niya.

My heart beat fast and hard in my chest. It was the first time I'd seen his eyes
without his glasses, and they were deep and almost . . . too beautiful.
"You like me?"

Napaiwas ako ng tingin.

"Eyes on me, Mendoza," he ordered.

Umiling ako. "It doesn't matter now."

Naramdaman ko ang paghigit niya sa baywang ko kaya napalapit ako sa kanya. I let
out a gasp as he gently took me off the ground and set me down on his lap.

"Leon!" I yelled out in a low voice.

Pagilid akong nakaupo sa hita niya. Ang isang kamay niya ay inilagay niya pa sa
baba ko para dahan-dahan akong iharap sa kanya. My gaze once more fell upon the
most exquisite eyes. Mapungay na ang mga ito habang nakatitig sa akin.

"Hindi ko hahayaang makalimutan mo 'ko, Amari," hirap na hirap na bulong niya.

"Nagtampo lang ako . . . pero hindi kita sinukuan."

Sumubsob siya sa leeg ko at naramdaman ko ang marahan niyang paghalik doon. Dahil
nakasando ako ay dama ko ang pagtama ng mainit niyang hininga roon.

"Baby, your sorry is all I want . . . bakit ang tagal mo?"

Another wave of tears had blurred my vision. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, pero
hindi na sa masakit na paraan. His words made my chest swell up, and I felt a surge
of relief rush over my worries.

"S-Sorry, Leon . . . sorry . . ." hikbi ko.

He chuckled lowly. "Yeah, you should apologize for making me miss you so much."

Mabilis niyang iniangat ang tela sa dibdib ko, dumidilim ang mga matang nakatingin
doon.

He lifted his head and wiped the tears that were falling down my cheeks with his
thumb.

"Nilapitan mo lang ba ako ngayon kasi nagseselos ka kay . . . Paolo?" hindi

napigilang tanong ko.

His brows furrowed. "While it's true that I'm jealous, I'm actually planning to
make it up to you since last week, but you're always too tired that I don't have
the heart to disturb you."

"B-But you said I'm not your type . . ."

He worked his way down my face, gently brushing my cheekbones, jaw, and lips.

"Hindi naman talaga."

My lips trembled, drawing his attention there.

"You're not my type because I know you can ruin all of me," marahang sabi niya.
"Kaya mong iparamdam sa akin na imposibleng maging masaya ako nang wala ka . . ."
He swallowed as his thumb brushed against my lower lip. "You have me under your
control, Amari . . . and I won't even complain."
Napatitig ako sa mga labi niya habang sinasabi niya iyon. Alam kong anumang oras ay
may maaaring makakita sa amin . . . but that was my least concern now. Leon was
here again, cradling me in his arms.

"I missed you," I whispered.

Lalong pumungay ang mga mata niya. "You do?"

Instead of answering, I placed my hands on his cheeks and pushed his face closer to
mine so that I could plant a kiss on his lips.

I felt his grip tighten on my waist.

Ipinatong ko lang ang labi ko sa kanya. Nakapikit at dinadama ang lambot at init
noon.

It wasn't too long. Humiwalay agad ako sa kanya, tila nalasing sa mabilis na halik
na pinagsaluhan.

I gulped. "S-Sorry . . . I got carried away."

His eyes grew darker. He started tracing circles on my waist, triggering a lot of
tremors to travel away from my body.

"Kiss me again if you're sorry."

Umawang ang labi ko. "M-May pag-uusapan pa yata tayo, Leon . . ."

His lips curved into a dangerous grin.

"Yeah, next time."

He didn't wait for me to answer. Impatient, he grabbed the back of my head and
pulled it toward him in a rush. I closed my eyes when he started kissing me
passionately, unlike the shallow kiss I had given him earlier. Naramdaman kong
kinagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi ko, dahilan para mapasinghap ako. His tongue
then continued to probe the inside of my mouth.

"Leon . . ." I moaned as he lifted the fabric that was covering my chest for the
second time.

Napahalinghing ako nang maramdaman kong dumampi ang gitnang daliri niya sa cleavage
ko habang ang isang kamay niya ay lumipat sa gilid ng leeg ko.

"You can't get away from me now, Mendoza," he panted. "I won't let the world end
without making you a Zamora."

Chapter 19 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 19

Dedicating this chapter to my angel baby, Dei (@deilydose). Thank you for always
being so patient with me. I really appreciate how you worked everything out for me.
I love you!
***

We wouldn't have stopped kissing if I hadn't realized that we were in a public

place. Dahan-dahan kong tinulak ang mga balikat niya at sinalubong ang namumungay
niyang mata.

"B-Baka hinahanap na tayo . . ." I said, still intoxicated with the kisses he gave
me.

Isang beses pa niyang inilagay ang mga hibla ng buhok ko sa likuran ng tainga ko
bago ako pinatayo. Isinuot niya ang salamin at walang kahirap-hirap na tumayo rin.
Parang hindi man lang nangalay sa pag-upo ko sa hita niya.

"Magbibihis muna ako," marahang sabi niya.

Tumikhim ako. "Ano ba kasing nangyari d'yan sa sugat mo?"

My heart was pounding in my chest but I made my voice sound like I wasn't nervous
at all. Ang mata ko ay nakatutok lang sa dulo ng sando niya, hindi magawang
makapag-angat ng tingin sa mukha niya.

I'm afraid he'd make fun of me. Ako ang naunang humalik sa kanya. He must be
thinking that I kiss people whenever I feel like it!

"Bumigay 'yong bolster ng kutsilyo. Humiwalay 'yong handle sa blade mismo . . ."
sagot niya habang humahakbang palapit sa akin.

He lifted my chin and made our eyes come into contact.

"Selos na selos ako sa inyo ni Paolo na hindi ko napansing may nakaangat na sanga
sa pinuputol kong kahoy," aniya. "Ewan. May it be the knife or the wood, I don't
know. Hindi ako sigurado kung ano ang eksaktong nangyari dahil nagseselos
ako . . ."

I felt my blood rushing through my veins when his eyes grew darker.

"Balik na tayo. We'll talk after we get our heads straight, hmm?" he asked gently,
contrasting his look.

Lumunok ako. "Why . . . not now?"

He shook his head as he let out a chuckle.

"Your lips are all I could think of. Baka hindi ako tumigil sa paghalik sa 'yo."

"Leon!" nag-iinit ang mukhang suway ko sa kanya.

Muli siyang tumawa. "Sige na. Pumunta ka na sa mga kagrupo natin. I'll change."

After that, everything was a blur.

Hindi ko alam kung paano kami nakabalik sa mga kagrupo namin. Hindi ko rin alam
kung paano ako nakipagsabayan sa tawanan nila na parang hindi ko iniisip ang mga
salitang nasabi at halik na napagsaluhan namin.

I'm not sure if anyone noticed us. Buong gabi, kasabay ng pagkanta at palitan ng
kwentuhan ay nakatago ang magkahugpong na kamay namin ni Leon. Sa ilalim ng kinuha
niyang hoodie nang pabilog nang nakaupo ang lahat, sa ilalim ng mesa kung saan kami
naghapunan, at minsan, kapag nakatayo kami, ay sa likuran namin.

Ang grupo pa rin namin ang tinanghal na panalo kahit na may minus points kami dahil
sa paggamit ng kutsilyo. It was owned by our game master, who placed it near the
lake as a mark in one of our earlier games. Palatandaan daw iyon ng mga facilitator
para malaman kung doon ba ang tamang puwesto para sa team building.

"Hindi ka inaantok?" mahinang tanong niya.

Sakay na kami ng bus pabalik sa school. Aside from Leon tailing me around like a
puppy, I don't remember anything related to the camp. Hindi rin kasi maalis sa utak
ko ang halikan namin. I felt like I would lose my mind any minute.

Nag-request din si Leon kay Ms. Lubrica na sa tabi ng bintana ako paupuin. Siya pa
rin naman ang katabi ko. 'Yon nga lang, wala na sa paligid namin si Paolo.

I shook my head in response to his question.

"Ikaw?" I asked back. "Malayo pa tayo. Matulog ka muna."

Umiling din siya habang dahan-dahang dumudulas ang kamay sa tuhod ko. Thank
goodness I'm wearing jeans. Kung hindi ay siguradong mawawala ako sa wisyo. The
warmth of his palm could easily penetrate into my being. Paano pa kung exposed ang
hita ko?

"Hindi naman ako makakatulog, eh," sagot niya.

"Bakit naman?"

He took a few deep breaths and leaned back in his chair. Ipinikit niya ang mga mata
bago umalpas ang maliit na ngiti sa labi.

"I'm too happy."

Warmth illuminated my heart right away. Matapos ang maikling pag-uusap namin
kahapon ay napansin ko ang gaan ng awra niya. He seemed . . . carefree. Hindi ko
naman masabing dahil iyon sa akin dahil ayokong isiping may ganoong akong epekto sa
kanya.

We have a lot to talk about. My insecurities about him, my father's conditions on

me, and our . . . label? Kung ano kami talaga? Hindi ko alam. For me, after the
kiss, I think we're together. Pero syempre, hindi ko naman puwedeng asahang ganoon
din ang tingin niya.

I cleared my throat, drawing his attention to me.

"Nauuhaw ka?" he asked, his eyes fixed on me.

Umiling ako. "I'm . . . thinking."

"Of?"

Huminga ako nang malalim at ibinaling ang katawan sa kanya.

"Us," sagot ko. "I'm thinking of us, Leon," pagkaklaro ko pa.

Fear flashed across his eyes for a split second. Unti-unti niyang tinanggal ang
kamay niya sa tuhod ko at umayos ng upo.
"Let's hear it," he managed to say.

Ikinunot ko ang noo. "Ba't mo inalis ang kamay mo?"

He looked surprised but slowly put his hand back on my knee.

"Akala ko lang ayaw mo," sagot niya. "Saka para makapag-concentrate ka."

Mahina ang boses naming dalawa, takot na marinig kami ng mga kasama namin sa bus.

"Sinabi ko bang tanggalin mo?" pagtataray ko.

Nangingiting umiling siya.

"And what? Para makapa-concentrate? Kahit saang parte ng katawan ko nakalagay ang
kamay mo, kaya kong mag-focus."

Lalong lumawak ang ngiti niya na para bang aliw na aliw siya sa nangyayari.

"Looks like I'll need to have a lot of patience in this relationship," he joked.

Umirap ako at bumalik na lang sa pagsandal. Gusto ko pa naman sanang itanong sa

kanya kung ano ang label namin! Kaso, mukhang malayo naman siya sa pagseseryoso.

I heard him chuckle. "Shut up, Leon."

"Make me."

I groaned in frustration.

Natatawang sumiksik siya sa leeg ko at marahang hinalikan ang panga ko.

"Sungit ng girlfriend ko."

Natigilan ako.

"Girlfriend?" I asked, heart was pounding heavily against my chest.

He nodded with his face still on my neck. "Kung gusto mo lang syempre. I can still
wait."

"Hindi ka ba nabibilisan?" mahinang tanong ko.

His warm breath was hitting the sensitive spot in my neck, but that was the least
of my concern now!

"I've liked you since the first day you walked into our class," bulong niya.
"Mabagal pa lahat ng 'to sa 'kin."

I was so happy that my heart hurt from all the happiness.

"Really? Gusto mo na 'ko simula first year?"

Muli siyang tumango. Inilagay niya ang ulo niya sa balikat ko at inilipat ang kamay
niya sa kamay ko.

"Sinong hindi?"

"Marami," sagot ko. "Saka, hindi mo naman ako pinapansin. How would I know you like
me?"

He heaved a sigh. "You're so clueless."

"Totoo naman," giit ko.

"Ikaw ang hindi pumapansin sa 'kin." May bahid ng pagtatampo ang boses niya. "If I
didn't recite in class, you wouldn't even know I was existing."

Listening to him, I realized that nobody has ever made me feel this way before —
visible and valued. Nang mga oras na 'yon, ni hindi ko na naisip na baka mapalingon
sa amin ang mga kaklase naming nakaupo lang sa kabilang seat.

Buong buhay ko, paulit-ulit akong akong kumatok sa maling bahay, umaasang may
magbubukas ng pinto para sa 'kin.

If it rained, I'd be soaked, and if it were sunny, I'd get too hot.

Sometimes, people would look at me strangely because I was still waiting like a
fool, yearning to be embraced and held on the roof. They'd find me weird for
wanting my father's recognition and staying with my ex-boyfriend for quite a while.

"November 18 . . ." bulong ko.

"Hmm?"

"That's our anniversary, Zamora."

Kay Leon, napagtanto kong hindi ko naman pala kailangang kumatok. Hindi ko
kailangang maghintay na pagbuksan. Hindi ko kailangang mabasa at maarawan.

Kasi may susi ako. I would walk in the door, be myself, and he would immediately
greet me with a hug.

That's how he makes me feel — secure and at home.

"Congrats sa successful na title defense! See you next semester!" pagbati ni Ms.
Lubrica sa amin matapos ang grade giving sa title defense.

I smiled to myself.

Totoo talaga 'yong sinasabi nilang kapag nagsasaya ka, ang mga linggo at araw ay
parang lumilipad lang. Matapos ang camp namin ay nagbago ang lahat sa pagitan namin
ni Leon. We didn't keep our relationship a secret, but we did make efforts to
protect our privacy.

Hatid-sundo niya ulit ako. Sa school at sa trabaho. Hindi ko pa sinasabi sa kanya

ang pagbabayad ko ng renta at ang kondisyon sa akin ng tatay ko dahil ayokong
ulanin agad siya ng problema ko.

We had just started dating, and I really wanted this to be one of the most
memorable times in both of our lives.

Lagi rin siyang nagdadala ng packed lunch para sa amin. Minsan ay sumasabay siya sa
pagkain namin nina Shaira dahil kasama niya rin naman si Thaddeus. Minsan naman ay
kaming dalawa lang. I'm sure that our friends have an idea that we're together.
Hindi lang talaga sila nagtatanong.

"May gagawin ka bukas?" he asked over a phone call.

It was late at night, and he was in his treehouse while I was standing outside our
apartment. Nang makita kong tumatawag siya kanina ay lumabas talaga ako dahil
mahimbing na ang tulog ni Kat sa kwarto namin.

My first and second rent payments went through fine, but I needed to buy some new
cosmetics soon. Paubos na kasi ang mga ginagamit ko.

"Isang client lang. 2 a.m.," sagot ko kay Leon. "Tumal ngayon, eh. Wala masyadong
events. 'Yong mamake-upan ko, may sunrise photoshoot lang."

"Puwedeng sumama?"

I pouted. "Akala ko ba ay paakyat ka ng Benguet? Hindi ka tuloy?"

"Tuloy. Pero mamaya 4 a.m. pa naman ang alis ko."

"Mapupuyat ka lang."

I heard him sigh. "Ang tagal na nating hindi nagkikita, Mendoza."

Sumimangot ako. "Dalawang linggo pa lang ang sembreak!"

"Exactly," he insisted. "We haven't seen each other for two weeks, and I miss you."

Nag-init ang mukha ko. Araw-araw kaming magkausap. Gusto ko rin siyang makita pero
natatakot akong baka magsawa siya sa akin. Sembreaks were the only time we couldn't
see each other. Kahit noong mga nagdaang taon.

"Plus, I want to see how my girl does her work," aniya pa. "Bawal?"

"Mapupuyat ka nga."

"Mapupuyat din naman ako kakaisip sa 'yo. What's the difference?"

I bit my lower lip to stop a smile. "Napakaharot mo!"

He chuckled. "See you later. I'll pick you up, hmm?"

"Oo na," kunwaring pagsuko ko.

There was a moment of silence before he spoke again.

"I'm not lying. I really miss you."

Between the two of us, Leon was more vocal and expressive. He was clingy, and I
often caught him looking out for me. Kapag alam niyang wala akong tulog ay
hinihiram niya ang neck pillow ni Ms. Lubrica sa faculty room. Lagi niya rin akong
pinagbubuhat ng bag dahil alam niya raw na masakit ang likuran ko. He was
thoughtful and considerate. Parang ang hirap laging tumbasan.

I'm doing my best to keep up with him. Kasagsagan ng practice namin sa title
defense ay naging abala siya sa commissions niya kaya iginawa ko siya ng outline ng
manuscript namin. Minsan, nag-vo-volunteer akong magluto para sa amin dahil hindi
naman puwedeng siya na lang nang siya ang gumagastos. We're both working students.
We have bills to pay.

Sa kanto ko siya naabutan, ala una y media ng madaling araw. Naka-gray na T-shirt
at itim na pantalon. Nakasandal siya sa poste ng ilaw, nakayuko, at nilalaro ang
luma na ring puting rubber shoes.

Gusto pa akong samahan ni Mill kanina pero tumanggi ako dahil may kasama naman ako.
Only that I didn't say that to her. Pinayuhan ko lang siyang magpahinga. Mabuti at
hindi naman siya nagpumilit.

"Hi," I greeted him.

Mabilis siyang nag-angat ng tingin at lumapat ang ngiti sa labi niya nang tuluyang
makita ako. He stood up straight, moved toward me, and kissed the top of my head.

"Okay na 'ko," sabi niya,

Tumawa ako. "Kanina ka pa?"

Kinuha niya ang mga gamit sa kamay ko pero nagpumilit akong bitbitin ang ring light
dahil magaan lang naman 'yon. I didn't know how strong his left hand was because he
was still managed hold my hand in his right.

"Ten minutes," sagot niya.

I narrowed my eyes on him. "Talaga?"

Nagbuntong-hininga siya. "Thirty, actually."

Nginusuan ko lang siya. He said he was excited to see me, but I don't know why he
had to wait that long! May pinag-usapan naman kaming oras!

Mabuti at mabilis kaming nakasakay ng jeep kahit madaling araw pa lang. Kami lang
ang laman noon kaya nagawa niya pang itali ang buhok ko para hindi raw liparin ng
hangin. I just let him. Nasasanay naman na ang katawan ko sa kanya.

"Patulungin mo kasi ang mga kapatid mo," sabi ko nang maikwento niya ang pag-ubo-
ubo ng nanay niya. "At that age, dapat hindi na nila iniaasa sa inyo ang paglilinis
ng bahay. Hindi naman pabata ang nanay mo. She shouldn't worry about the household
chores."

"I know," he said. "Pinagsasabihan ko naman sila minsan. Matigas lang talaga ang
ulo nila kaya ako na ang gumagawa." Umiling siya. "I don't have enough time to keep
bugging them. Inililinis ko na lang 'yong oras."

I pursed my lips. Kaya hindi natututo, eh. Kasi masyadong bina-baby.

"Pero, turuan mo pa rin, ha?" tanging nasabi ko. "Hindi puwedeng laging kayo.
Mahirap tumanda nang walang alam, Leon."

We kept talking about them, so I made a mental note to make his mother some ginger
soup for her cough. Madalas iyong ipainom sa amin sa shelter noon dahil hindi naman
kami para ibili ng gamot. It was effective, though. Ipapadala ko na lang siguro kay
Leon dahil baka gaya ng mga kaibigan ko ay hindi pa rin alam sa kanila na may
kasintahan siya.

"Yeah . . . ikaw naman," aniya. "How are you the past two weeks?"

Detelyado ko namang ikinuwento sa kanya ang pag-a-advance reading ko at paghahanap

ng possible respondents para sa thesis namin.

I was okay. Surprisingly. There were no traces of my father, and although my body
was tired, I knew my heart was at peace.
Pagkarating namin sa bahay ng kliyente ko ay tinulungan ako ni Leon. He quickly
understood the purpose of each thing I had and assisted me with their setup.
Matapos 'yon ay pinaupo ko na siya sa gilid para panoorin ako.

"Ayang brand ang gamit mo?" tanong sa akin ng kliyente ko nang makita ang mga dala
ko.

I nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

Kita ko ang pagdaan ng disgusto sa mukha niya. "Ang sabi sa review sa page mo ay
gumagamit ka ng Alya Foster cosmetics. Bakit ito?"

"Isa lang po ang AF ko, ma'am." Kinuha ko ang paubos nang liquid foundation para
ipakita sa kanya. "Hindi n'yo po ka-shade. Mangingitim po kayo kapag ito ang
ginamit ko."

Umupo siya sa tapat ng salamin kaya napahinga ako nang maluwag. Sana naman ay hindi
niya ako ipahiya sa harap ni Leon.

"Sure ka bang kaya mo? Hindi ba nakaka-pimples 'yang mga 'yan?" panunuri niya pa.
"'Yong brushes, nalilinis mo ba?"

Lumunok ako bago tumango. "Opo naman, ma'am. I sanitized everything after I use
them."

"Siguraduhin mo, ha? Pag ako nagkaroon ng breakout, I'll contact you."

I bit the inside of my lower lip so I wouldn't lash out at her.

"Nakalagay naman po sa Facebook page ko na hindi high-end ang cosmetics na gamit

ko."

She shrugged.

"Oo na. Bilis na. Baka ma-late pa 'ko," utos niya. "I sent you the look I was
trying to achieve. Sana naman ay tama ang nasa reviews na magaling ka."

Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. Sinulyapan ko si Leon na ngayon ay malalim na ang

kunot sa noo at masamang nakatingin sa babae. Kung hindi ko pa siya inilingan ay
hindi siya mag-iiwas ng tingin.

As I did the makeup of my client, I realized that I was used to meeting clients
like her. Some were worse. Kapag nalaman ni Leon ang mga pinagdaanan ko sa ibang
kliyente ay baka isa-isahin niya ang mga ito. They would often compare me to other
makeup artists, at kung hindi ko lang kailangan ng pera ay hindi ako para magtiis.

"Sure ka bang isang libo na ang rate mo? Hindi naman mga branded ang gamit mo,"
sabi ng kliyente ko habang nilalagyan ko siya ng blush on.

Tinaasan ko ang rate ko tatlong linggo na ang nakakalipas dahil nang tingnan ko ang
presyo ng mga ginagamit ko ay nagulat ako sa pagtaas nila. I announced the changes
on my Facebook page and no one really complained about it.

Nagmamahal naman na ang lahat. Bakit kwestyon para sa iba kapag nagtaas din kami ng
serbisyo? Wala naman kaming boses para magmakaawa sa mga korporasyon na huwag
taasan ang bilihin.

"Sure po, ma'am," magalang pa ring sagot ko. "Ayun na po ang pinakamura n'yong
mahahanap ngayon . . . at kung gusto n'yo po ng makeup artist na branded ang mga
gamit, kailangan n'yo pong magbayad nang mas mahal."

She scoffed. "Ikaw lang ang malapit kaya ikaw ang kinuha ko."

I didn't answer. Hahaba ang pagtatalo kapag sumagot pa ako. Mabilis kong tinapos
ang makeup niya at natuwa ako dahil kahit masama ang ugali niya ay nagawa ko naman
siyang pagandahin.

She didn't say anything, so I assumed that she liked what I did as well. Cash niya
naman akong binayaran kaya nang makaalis kami sa bahay niya ay malaki ang ngiti ko.
May pambayad na ako sa grocery this month.

"'Wag kang sumimangot, Zamora. Kumita ang girlfriend mo, oh." Itinaas ko ang isang
libo. "Hindi ka ba masaya?"

He clenched his jaw. "Inaaway ka."

"Inaaway?" I echoed. "Sanayan lang 'yan. Alam ko namang naiintindihan mo dahil may
siguradong may clients ka rin na mahirap pakisamahan."

"Hindi ako sanay kapag ikaw . . ." He exhaled. "Ayokong ginagano'n ka."

"Tingin mo ba gusto ko 'yon?" tanong ko. "Kapag hindi ka mayaman, kailangan mong
lunukin 'yang pride mo kasi hindi ka mapapakain n'yan."

"Alam ko naman . . ."

I chuckled. "'Wag mo nang isipin 'yon. I'm used to it."

Pinisil niya lang ang kamay ko. Madilim pa rin ang langit dahil isang oras lang
naman ang itinagal ng session ko. Ngayon ay nakaupo lang kami ni Leon sa gilid ng
daan habang nagkakape. Siya ang bumili noon sa coffee vending machine na tig-
sasampung piso. May mga poste naman ng ilaw kaya hindi rin sobrang dilim.

"Kapag madaling araw ang session mo, puwede ba akong sumama?"

Umiling ako. "That's impractical. Parehas tayong may trabaho."

"Or any time of the day . . ."

"Zamora, 'wag kang makulit," saad ko. "Kita mo ngang lagi akong nakakatulog sa
room. Kapag sumama ka sa 'kin, paano ang lessons? Paano ang grades mo? Baka hindi
mo maalagaan."

Nagbuntong-hinga siya "Paano ka naman? Sinong kasama mo? Ang bibigat ng dala mo
tapos ganoon pa ang kliyente."

"Tatagal ba 'ko sa trabahong 'to kung hindi ko kaya?"

His expression didn't change, so I thought of something to cheer him up to lift his
mood.

I smiled at him. "Uhm . . . wala na akong gagawin buong araw."

"You should get as much sleep."

I shook my head. "Hihintayin kitang makauwi. Tapos . . . date tayo? Do'n sa

treehouse mo? Magluluto ako ng dinner?"
I saw how he stiffened up. Maya maya'y ngumuso siya na parang nagpipigil ng ngiti.

"Or gusto mo samahan na lang din kita? Para may idea rin ako kung paano ka
magtrabaho . . ." I suggested. "Hindi pa ako nakakarating do'n, pero para hindi ka
rin mag-isa . . . sasama ako."

Napayuko siya at napansin ko ang tuluyang pagngiti niya.

"Sige na. Kaysa naman nag-iinarte ka d'yan tungkol sa trabaho ko," natatawang sabi
ko. "Mag-date na lang tayo."

"Nag-iisip ako, eh." Umiling siya. "Now, I don't know what I'm mad about anymore."

Inubos namin ang kape at nagkwentuhan pa. We've decided to go to Benguet together
because we could do the treehouse date anytime but not the first one. Inihatid niya
lang din ako sa kanto namin para mabilis kong maibaba ang mga gamit namin.

May nirenta siyang pickup truck para mahakot ang anumang mabibili roon. Sa norte
kasi mas mura ang gulay at mga pananim kaya doon talaga sila namimili. Aside from
that, they were a known buyer there.

"Bakit pala kailangan mong pumunta ro'n? Nasira ba ang mga pananim n'yo?" tanong ko
habang nasa daan kami.

Nakabukas ang bintana ng sasakyan dahil sira ang aircon. Maaga pa naman kaya hindi
rin mainit ang tumatamang hangin sa balat namin.

"Hindi. Nasabi lang no'ng binibilhan namin na bagsak presyo ngayon. Dahil bakasyon
naman, mas magandang hindi lang sa pananim ni nanay kami aasa. Kapag kasi naibaba
sa syudad ang mga gulay, nagdodoble ang presyo."

Tumango-tango ako.

"Farmer compensation is the problem. Sila ang nagtanim at nag-ani, pero ang baba ng
bayad sa kanila."

Mabilis siyang lumingon sa akin at napansin ko ang pagsulyap niya sa kamay ko.

"I wish I could be romantic right now, but I can't. I have to keep my hands on the
gears," sabi niya. "Manual, eh."

That made me laugh. I wasn't really lying when I said he was clingy. Pakiramdam ko
tuloy ay nahahahawa na ako.

Nag-umagahan lang kami sa nadaanan naming carinderia. Medyo mahaba ang byahe pero
kahit isang minuto ay hindi ako tinamad.

Sometimes, we'd crank up the radio and sing along when the mood struck us.
Sometimes, we'd make fun of our past debates and the pettiest mistakes we made in
some tests. And at other times, we'd talk about our hopes and aspirations, the
things that our hearts really desired.

"Gusto kong maging counseling psychologist sa ibang bansa," pag-amin ko. "Europe!
Anywhere in Europe."

"Bakit sa ibang bansa?"

"Kasi ayokong makasalamuha ang tatay ko rito sa Pilipinas." I chuckled. "Saka

maganda ang bayaran do'n. I can work at a research firm, discovering and validating
additional mental health problems, or . . . sa clinic! I can assess psychological
difficulties and behavioral dysfunctions."

He nodded, his eyes on the road. "I'm excited to witness all that . . ."

Ngumiti ako. "Ikaw? Ano'ng gusto mo?"

"Psychologist din . . . kahit saan," sagot niya. "My focal interests are in family
or developmental psychology."

"Counseling psychologist and developmental psychologist," bulong ko. "That will

make a nice couple."

He chuckled. "I think so, too."

"So, we shouldn't break up, okay?" saad ko. "Even if it will take many more years
to achieve our goals . . . dapat magkasama tayong aabutin lahat ng 'yon, ha?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he stopped at a stoplight and leaned to give me a swift

kiss.

"Hindi kita iiwan," puno ng sinseridad na sabi niya. "I know we can't foresee the
future, but I will always . . . always be there, Amari. I'm your biggest fan, and
I'll root for you no matter what you do."

The tall pine trees, the bumpy and steep roads, and the gradual color change of the
sky assured me that I wouldn't live this lifetime alone because I have Leon.

Alam kong nagsisimula pa lang kami at marami pang puwedeng mangyari, pero sa
ngayon, pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko na kayang magmahal nang ganito katindi ulit. My
love for him was growing stronger each day, and because of this, I started to
wonder whether or not the feelings I had for Jin were genuine.

Nang makarating kami sa Benguet ay nagsimula kaming mamakyaw ng mga gulay sa

talipapa. Most of them were eggplants, potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, onions, and
garlic. Sa dulo kami nagsimula dahil doon daw may kakilala si Leon.

"Singkwenta na lang ang kilo, manang," narinig kong pagtawad ni Leon. "Dalawampu
naman ang bibilhin ko."

Tumawa ang matanda. "Hay naku, Mael! Napakakuripot mo talaga! Siyang-siya ka ni

Leah!" she added, referring to Leon's mom.

"O, siya! Pumili ka na ng dadalhin mo at kukuwentahin ko na!" pagpayag din naman

nito. "Lakay! Isupot mo ang bibilhin ni Mael!" tawag pa niya sa asawa.

Lumapit ang matandang lalaki kay Leon at tinulungan ito. I neared them and helped
as well. Ayoko namang tumunganga lang habang abalang-abala ang lahat.

"Girlpren mo, Mael?" matigas ang Tagalog na tanong ng lalaki.

Tumawa si Leon. "Opo, manong. Maganda ba?"

I smiled when he looked at me.

"Kagandang bata! Mukhang artista!" may puntong sabi niya.

"Salamat po . . ." nahihiyang saad ko.

Umakbay sa akin si Leon. "Bagay ho ba kami?"

Napapalakpak ang lalaki. "Bagay na bagay! Pers time mong magdala dito ng babai,
ha?"

The morning was loud as people were busy trading products with each other. Miski
ako ay nagulat sa mura ng mga panindang gulay rito kaya kahit padala-dalawang kilo
ay bumili ako. Iuuwi ko sa apartment. Masarap din kasing mag-gulay minsan.

One thing I noticed about Leon was his passion for everything he does. He had a
knack for interacting with others and making deals. Magaling siyang makisalamuha at
minsan ay naririnig ko pa siyang nagsasalita sa dialect nila. He told me he only
knew a few simple words, but I was glad he could get by. Halos lahat tuloy ng
pinuntahan naming tindera ay mas mura ang benta sa kanya.

"May paborito akong kinakainan dito. You'll like the view for sure," sabi niya nang
maiakyat namin ang lahat sa pickup.

Nasa labas pa rin kami at tinitingnan ang mga napamili.

I looked at my boyfriend and noticed that there were beads of sweat on the sides of
his head, so I took my handkerchief and wiped them away for him. Ang guwapo-guwapo
niya pa ring tingnan. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung may filter lang ang mga mata ko o
maganda talaga ang lahi niya.

I mean, he looked hotter now that he was sweating. Posible ba' yon?

I removed his glasses and wiped his nose. Tahimik lang siyang pinanood ako, parang
naputol na ang gustong sabihin.

"Ganda mo," kumento niya na labis na nakapagpainit ng mukha ko.

Pilit kong ikinunot ang noo nang isinuot ko muli ang salamin niya.

"Nahihiya ka?" he taunted.

Ngumuso ako. "Bwisit ka talaga!"

Tumawa lang siya bago ako pinasakay sa pickup. Tumutulas na ang araw pero hindi ito
mainit sa balat. Siguro dahil magpapasko na rin.

He took me to a restaurant from which I could have a good view of the beautiful
mountains in Benguet. In contrast to the mountains I am used to seeing, these were
covered in trees. Hindi pa kalbo . . . at sana ay mapanatili nilang ganoon 'yon.

Our early lunch was served after a few minutes. Pinilit ko siyang mag-KKB kami
dahil ayokong siya lang nang siya ang gagatos. Mabuti sana kung milyonaryo siya at
maraming pera. Sa sitwasyon naming dalawa, siguradong kailangan naming magtulungan
sa gastusin kapag mag-da-date kami.

While eating, I realized that our relationship was simple. Both working students,
both have responsibilities to take care of . . . but both trying to make it a
worthwhile. Nagsisimula pa lang kami, pero siya na ang nakikita kong makakasama ko
sa huli.

Someone responsible, upholds their morals, pursues their dreams, and shares their
plans with me.
For the first time, I agreed with what Shaira said a long time ago.

Bagay nga kami ni Leon.

Chapter 20 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 20

Dedicating this chapter to Chaela, Glaiza, my dINKScord family, Mafel, Winter,

Liane, Inksteady Merch, and of course, the rest of my inks, all of whom wished me a
happy birthday, sent me letters and gifts, and shared their talents. You made my
day extra special. Very much appreciated! Mahal ko kayong lahat!

***

Christmas and the New Year came and went, and I greeted Leon over the phone on both
occasions. Naging abala kasi siya sa pagtao sa palengke dahil sa pagdagsa ng mga
mamimili kaya hindi na kami nagkaroon ng tyansa na magkita ulit.

He was announced the top 1 of our batch, and it didn't surprise me because I knew
he deserved it. I came second. Kinapa ko sa puso ang dating inggit at selos pero
wala akong ibang naramdaman kung hindi pagmamalaki para sa kanya.

I felt myself changing . . . or reverting back to my old self. 'Yong Amari na

kayang maging masaya sa achievement ng iba. 'Yong Amari na hindi iniisip ang
makalamang sa kapwa niya.

I wouldn't lie. The rental payments were still behind me. I know I need to at least
find another job. Siguro ay mag-a-apply na lang ako bilang service crew sa isang
fast food restaurant o mag-a-apply na canteener sa school namin para kapag wala
akong ginagawa ay doon na ang diretso ko.

I got everything ready. My resume and the requirements needed. Hindi ko alam kung
paano ko pagsasabayin ang thesis writing namin at pagtatrabaho. Sooner or later,
Leon needs to know what's going on. Nahihiya lang ako sa ngayon na magsabi.

"This semester will be the most crucial one for you. Bukod sa thesis ay puro major
courses na rin ang i-ta-take n'yo so, mag-expect kayo ng mas mabigat na project.
Magkakaroon din kayo ng tri-sem for your clinical internship," saad ni Ms. Lubrica
sa klase. "And guys, what you need now is to help each other. Hindi na kayo bata
para isumbong pa ng mga ka-partner n'yo na hindi tumutulong. Compromise and work
harmoniously. Okay?"

We agreed in chorus. Wala pa man ay kinakabahan na ako sa mga posibleng mangyari.

Exams, projects, thesis, reports, and my part-time job . . . how could I do all
that?

"Ma'am, kinakabahan si Mari! Naluluha na tuloy agad ako!" pagbasag ni Shaira sa

iniisip ko.

I glared at her. "Ako na naman ang nakita mo."

"Kasi naman! Ikaw na 'yan, 'te! Paano pa akong normal na tao lang?!"

Nagtawanan ang mga kaklase ko at awtomatikong lumipad ang mga mata ko kay Leon. May
maliit na ngisi sa labi niya habang pinapanood kami. Nang makitang nakatingin ako
ay lumaki ang ngisi niya, dahilan para lalo akong mapasimangot.
"Ma'am, puwede po bang magpapalit ng thesis partner?" tanong naman ni Zoey.

Nanlalaki ang mga matang napatingin si Shaira sa ka-partner.

"Grabe ka manakit, ah!"

Naiiling na lang ako sa kalokohan nila. It was no question. Sila talaga ang
pinakamaingay sa classroom. Lalo si Shaira. Unti-unti na ngang nahahawa sa kanya si
Zoey.

Nothing much happened the following days except that we were so busy with our
thesis that it was difficult for me to take clients. Sa library kami ni Leon
madalas gumawa ng thesis pagkatapos ng klase at napagkasunduan naming hanggang alas
sinco lang kami lagi ng hapon.

"Bakit ba mag-a-apply ka pa sa canteen? Baka naman mapagod ka nang sobra d'yan,"

sabi niya, isang hapon habang nagta-tally kami ng scores ng respondents namin.

I pursed my lips and nodded. "Kulang ang kinikita ko lalo ngayong nagthe-thesis
tayo. Kakaunti ang kliyenteng natatanggap ko. Eh, kapag naging canteener ako . . .
puwedeng kapag walang tao sa canteen, doon ko gagawin 'yong part ko sa thesis
natin."

He exhaled. "Hindi ka na nga nakakatulog nang maayos, eh."

"Madaling ibawi ang tulog, Mr. Zamora," nangingiting sabi ko sa kanya. "Pero 'yong
pera? Saan ko sisimutin 'yon? Hindi ako puwedeng mag-petiks."

He reached out for my hand and looked at it sadly.

"Kapag nakatapos tayo . . . bumawi ka sa date sa 'kin, ha?" marahang saad niya. "I
don't want us to celebrate another monthsary just by greeting each other over a
phone call."

Nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. Hindi siya demanding. Bilang na bilang sa daliri
ang mga lakad namin at kadalasan pa noon ay dito lang din sa school. The best date
we had was the one at Benguet. Hindi na iyon nasundan.

"I-plano na natin 'yong susunod nating monthsary. Saan mo gusto?" tanong ko.

Ibinaba niya ang magkahugpong na naming kamay sa ilalim ng mesa kung saan kami
gumagawa ng thesis.

"Really? You'll make time?"

I nodded. "Oo naman. Kaya ko na siguro 'yon. Kahit gabi. What do you think?"

Napangiti siya. "Gusto kitang ipakilala kay nanay, eh. Naikukwento naman kita . . .
pero syempre, iba pa rin 'yong magkakaharap kayo."

I was surprised for a moment. Gusto niya akong ipakilala sa nanay niya? Sa babaeng
mahal na mahal niya? That's . . . heartwarming. Ni hindi ko pa siya nababanggit
kina Mill, Kat, at Karsen. Maybe I should start by telling them that I'm in a
relationship.

"Uhm . . . masungit ba siya?"

Umiling siya. "Mas masungit ka."

"Whatever, Leon Ysmael," saad ko bago siya pabirong inirapan.

He chuckled as he pressed my hand. "She wants to meet you, too. Sana sa susunod na
monthsary natin . . ."

Tumango ako. "I'll surely make time for that."

Ganoon lang lagi ang laman ng pag-uusap namin. Sometimes, I would get comfortable
ranting to him about my clients and he would only watch me as if I was saying
something really important. Minsan naman ay siya ang magkukwento tungkol sa nanay
niya at sa mga kapatid niyang lagi na lang laman ng guidance office. He never told
me anything specific about his father, but he did hint that his family fell apart
when his siblings turned 5.

Leon had more to him than just a pretty face. Para ngang imposibleng may isang
kagaya niya pa. Family oriented, smart, and full of values. Hindi ko alam kung ano
ang nakita niya sa akin at nagustuhan niya ako. He could have any woman he wanted .
. . pero heto at nagtitiis siya sa akin.

To: Mr. Mendoza

Puwede po bang ma-late ng ilang araw ang bayad sa rent? Kahit 3 days lang.
Maghihintay lang po ako ng ibang clients na magbabayad sa 'kin.

I texted my father the night before the due. My message was a lie. Wala akong
hinihintay na bayad. Kulang lang talaga ang perang pambigay ko. What else could I
do? Hindi ko puwedeng sagarin ang sarili dahil magbabayad pa kami ni Leon sa isang
statistician.

From: Mr. Mendoza

Give it a day later and you will be taken out of there immediately. Suwerte mo nga
at 8k lang. Some people would pay me 10k for it.

Parang pumitik ang sintido ko sa naging reply niya. Gusto kong magalit, pero mas
lamang ang pagod na nararamdaman ko na inisip kong huwag na lang pumatol.

From: Mr. Mendoza

And I saw the Dean's list. Second ka ulit? Nagpapabaya ka na talaga.

I closed my phone and went to sit on the sofa to think about what I could do. Ang
tanging solusyon ko lang ay mangutang. Kaya lang . . . kanino naman?

My friends have their own expenses, too. Nag-iipon na para sa thesis si Mill
ngayon. Si Kat naman, dahil graduating, ay marami ring bayarin. At si Karsen, hindi
masyadong malaki ang kita niya sa pagiging tutor at part-time model. May
pinagdadaanan pa siya ngayon kaya lalong hindi ko siya maaabala.

Sighing, I went back to our room and picked up my jacket. It was past 12, but money
wouldn't just fall from the sky. Hindi puwedeng maghintay na lang ako rito at
tumunganga.

"Kat, aalis lang ako saglit," pagpapaalam ko sa kaibigan. Tinapik-tapik ko pa siya

para gisingin.

Pumupungas siyang tumingin sa akin. "Saan ka pupunta?"

"May client ako ngayon," pagsisinungaling ko. "Sagot niya na lahat ng gamit kaya
hindi na rin naman ako mahihirapan pagdadala."

Umupo siya sa kama at kinusot ang mata. "Gigisingin ko si Mill. Ipapahatid kita."

Sunod-sunod ang naging pag-iling ko. "Hindi na! Puyat din 'yon . . . okay lang.
Sanay naman na akong mag-isa sa ganito, 'di ba? May load naman ako. Ite-text ko na
lang kayo if ever."

"Sigurado ka ba?" Tumingin siya sa orasan sa cellphone niya. "Hindi ba puwedeng

bukas 'yan? Sino bang magpapa-makeup ng ganitong oras? Hindi man lang nila naisip
na nagpapahinga ka rin."

Pinabalik ko siya sa paghiga, bahagyang natataranta sa baka hindi niya pagpayag.

"Babalik din ako agad. Promise," sabi ko pa. "Ilang beses nang nangyari 'to,
worried ka pa rin."

Kumunot ang noo niya pero dahil marahil sa antok ay hindi na nakipagtalo sa akin.
Dinampot ko ang cellphone ko at lumabas ng apartment na tanging 200 pesos lang ang
laman ng wallet.

I was planning to borrow money from Zoey, Shaira, or Meg. Kahit tig-iisang libo.
Para lang mabayaran ko 'yong renta. Tutubuan ko na lang kung papayag sila. I don't
know where I'll get the money, but that's not my priority now. Magsisipag na lang
ako lalo. Kukulitin ko ang canteen na tanggapin ang application ko.

I texted Zoey first saying that I'd go to her place right now. Luckily, she was
still up. Hindi ko agad sinabi ang rason ko dahil gusto kong sa personal na
mangutang. Nahihiya kasi akong sabihin sa text.

Medyo malayo ang kanila kaya may kamahalan din ang pamasahe. Nang matanaw ko ang
bahay nila ay nasa labas na siya at tila hinihintay ako.

"Girl, ano'ng problema? Madaling araw na!" nag-aalalang saad niya nang makita ako.

Sa totoo lang ay hindi ko alam kung paano bubwelo. Hindi ako sanay mangutang dahil
kahit kapos ako sa buhay ay pinipilit kong pagkasyahin ang pera ko. Mas sanay pa
nga akong magbigay kahit walang-wala na rin. Kaya ngayong ako ang nangangailangan .
. . parang ang hirap.

"Zoey kasi . . . ang daming bayarin, 'di ba?" I bit my lower lip as shame flooded
my system. "Medyo na-short ako. Baka may ano . . . extra ka. Kahit magkano lang.
Tutubuan ko na lang sa 'yo hangga't hindi ako nakakapagbayad."

Mabilis na dumaan ang gulat sa mukha niya. "Bakit? Ang mahal ba ng thesis n'yo?"

"Oo, eh," sabi ko na lang kahit hindi naman iyon ang pangunahing problema ko.
"Magbabayad din kasi para sa panel members, 'di ba? Ang hirap i-budget . . ."

Napaisip siya saglit bago dahan-dahang tumango. "Paano kaya, girl? Five hundred
lang ang extra ko. Hindi pa naibibigay ang allowance ko for next month, eh."

"Okay na 'yon!" I said eagerly. "Malaking tulong na 'yon!"

"Oh, sige. Hintayin mo 'ko. Kukunin ko lang sa loob."

Hindi rin naman siya nagtagal. Iniabot niya sa akin ang limang daang piso at halos
mayakap ko siya sa pasasalamat. Sinabihan niya naman akong mag-ingat sa daan dahil
madilim pa ang langit.

Sunod kong pinuntahan si Meg na kasalukuyang gising pa rin dahil nag-e-edit pa siya
ng questionnaires para sa thesis nila. Sinabi ko sa kanya ang sinabi ko kay Zoey,
pero sa kasamaang-palad ay wala raw siyang maipahihiram sa akin dahil kalalabas
lang ng kapatid niya sa ospital.

My last resort now was Shaira. Hindi gaya no'ng dalawa na personal kong pinutahan
sa mga bahay nila ay itinext lang ako ni Shaira na magkita kami sa labas ng isang
motel. Malapit lang naman iyon sa apartment namin kaya puwedeng maglakad na lang
ako pauwi mamaya.

"Queen, dito!" tawag niya sa akin sabay kaway.

Naglakad ako papunta sa puwesto niya, bahagyang natatakot na baka wala rin siyang
maipahiram sa akin. Higit dalawang libo pa ang kailangan ko. Kung sakaling hindi
ako makapangutang ay wala akong choice kung hindi ang magmakaawa kay Mr. Mendoza.
Kung kinakailangang lumuhod sa harapan niya ay gagawin ko. It's easier to do that
than to make my friends go through homelessness again.

"Shaira . . . ano'ng ginagawa mo d'yan?" tanong ko nang tuluyang makalapit sa

babae.

Kinakabahang tumawa siya. "Sleepover!"

Napangiti lang ako at hindi na siya inusisa.

"Bakit pala?" she asked.

I took a deep breath. Bahala na.

"Manghihiram sana ako . . . kung may extra money ka. Ang daming gastusin ngayon,
eh."

Gaya ni Zoey ay mukha rin siyang nagulat.

"Urgent lang talaga. Tutubuan ko na lang kapag hindi ko agad nabayaran."

Umiling siya. "Hindi na! Magkano pa ba ang kailangan mo?"

I made a fist to tell myself I would have to swallow my pride.

"2,500 . . ." Napalunok ako. "Pero kahit magkano lang ang extra mo."

Ngumuso siya. "May 2,500 naman ako, pero nasa bahay. Kailangang-kailangan mo ba
ngayon? As in now na? Hindi puwedeng sa Monday para iaabot ko sa 'yo sa klase?"

Umiling ako. "M-May due ako ngayon . . ."

"Ano?" pagtatanong niya.

I chuckled awkwardly. "Ah, sa apartment lang."

"Siya, uuwi muna ako ngayon. Hintayin mo na lang ako rito. Keri ba?"

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag. At least, it was all settled now. Kahit hanggang alas
siete ng umaga ako maghintay rito ay walang problema. Basta ba, makapagbayad ako ng
renta ngayong araw.
"Salamat, Shai," saad ko. "Wala na lang talaga akong ibang malalapitan."

Tumawa siya. "Okay lang 'yon, ano ka ba! Ano pa at may maganda kang kaibigan, 'di
ba?"

With warmth filling my heart, I took a step closer to her and pulled her into a
hug. Naramdaman ko ang paninigas niya, marahil ay hindi sanay na ganito ako. Wala .
. . I just feel grateful that I have them. They made my college life tolerable. Na
kahit hindi ako pinagpala sa pagkakaroon ng pamilya ay nakakita naman ako ng
tahanan sa katauhan nila.

Si Kat, Mill, Karsen, Zoey, Meg, at sa kanya. They believed in me when I couldn't
even believe in myself. They were there for me when I felt the world was against
me.

Pakiramdam ko tuloy, mali ang naging pananaw ko buong buhay ko. I was so busy
looking for something that wasn't there and searching for people who were never
going to be in my line of sight. Hindi ko man lang napagtanto na maraming taong
naniniwala sa akin . . . sa iba lang talaga ako nakatingin.

"Okay ka lang ba?" tanong niya habang tinatapik ang balikat ko. "Hindi ako sanay na
may problema ang queen."

My eyes started welling up with tears, but I quickly blinked them away.

"Basta thank you, ha? Babayaran ko rin kapag nakaluwag-luwag na," bulong ko.

Lalayo na sana ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya nang matanaw ko ang pamilyar na bulto
ng lalaki na papalapit sa amin. Mukha rin naman siyang nagulat nang makita ako
dahil napatigil ito sa paglalakad.

"Si Thaddeus ba 'yon?" tanong ko sa kaibigan. "Magkasama kayo?"

Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng yakap niya sa akin kasabay ng kabado niyang pagtawa.
"Hindi kita pauutangin kapag inasar mo 'ko."

Umawang ang bibig ko. "Ba't kayo magkasama sa motel?"

"Kwentuhan lang!" sabay tawa. "Tangina naman kasi. Sinabing 'wag nang
lalabas . . ."

Humiwalay siya sa akin at inis na nilingon ang lalaki. Nakanguso namang lumapit ang
huli, walang nang nagawa dahil nakita ko na rin naman.

"May 2,500 ka ba d'yan?" tanong ni Shaira kay Thaddeus. "Akin na nga muna.
Babayaran ko mamaya pag inihatid mo na 'ko pauwi."

"Nasa kwarto . . ." Namula ang tainga niya nang mapalingon sa akin ngunit agad ding
inilipat ang tingin sa babae. "Shai naman. Hindi mo sinabing kasama mo si Mari."

"'Yong 2,500," giit ni Shaira.

"Nasa kwarto nga. Para saan ba?" tanong ni Thaddeus.

Tumikhim ako. "Ah . . . nanghihiram ako."

He nodded and didn't ask any more questions. Bumalik siya sa motel at limang minuto
lang ay dala niya na ang perang kailangan ko. I thanked both of them as I bid them
goodbye. Hindi na rin ako nag-usisa pa kung ano ang namamagitan sa kanila dahil
magsasabi naman si Shaira sa amin kapag gusto niya.

Because of the money I borrowed, I was able to pay our rent.

Gusto kong umiyak dahil ito na ang pinakasukdulan ng paghihirap ko sa pera. Hindi
ko na alam ang gagawin ko para makahanap pa ng mga kliyente. Kung puwede lang
umabsent ng isang buong linggo para makapag-apply sa mga fast food restaurants ay
ginawa ko na. Kaya lang, miski roon ay wala akong oras. Tanging ang application ko
lang bilang canteener sa school namin ang naka-prenda.

Kaya naman nang mag-Lunes ay bumisita ako sa canteen para magtanong. Dahil tatao
lang naman ako at hindi magluluto, ang alam ko ay 37 pesos per hour ang rate dito .
. . likas na mas mababa kumpara sa fast food restaurants. Dito naman kasi ay taga-
kuha lang ako ng orders ng bibili. Hindi ako para kumilos sa kitchen.

"Hindi naman kami opening ngayon, Ms. Mendoza," sabi sa akin ng head ng canteen.
"Ang dami pa naming service crew tapos inuulan din kami ng scholars. Kung mag-a-
apply ka ro'n, aabutin ka ng siyam-siyam bago matanggap."

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. "Kahit po taga-hugas, ma'am . . ."

"Naku, pasensya na, hija. Hindi talaga namin kayang magdagdag ngayon. Next school
year pa ang tapos ng kontrata ng mga trabahante namin. 'Yon, do'n ka namin puwedeng
ma-consider lang."

"Wala po?" Dismayadong umiling ako. "Kahit anong posisyon?"

"Wala, eh. Pasensya na talaga. Tawagan ka na lang namin kung meron na."

Bigong-bigo akong umalis sa canteen. Nauna na sa library si Leon pero sinabi ko sa

kanyang may bibilhin lang ako sa canteen kahit ang totoo ay kaninang umaga ko pa
naiisip ang magtanong tungkol sa trabaho. Ang kaya lang, wala. Hindi para sa 'kin.

Papunta sa library ay lumilipad ang utak ko. Kailangan ko na ulit magsimulang mag-
ipon para sa pambayad sa renta tapos babayaran ko pa ang mga kaibigan ko. Kailangan
ko rin ng panggastos sa thesis at pang-ambag sa groceries namin. Paubos na ang ipon
ko. Kapag sinagad ko ang sarili ay walang matitira sa emergency savings ko.

My body was tired. Matagal ko nang iniinda ang sakit ng likuran ko na kailanman ay
hindi ko naipahinga nang maayos. Ang bigat kasi lagi ng mga dala kong gamit kapag
may makeup session ako. Bukod pa roon ay hindi naman ako nakakatulog nang maayos
kaiisip kung saan ako kukuha ng pera.

Being poor is hard, but that statement is often taken too lightly. Kasi gamit na
gamit na. Kasi parang lahat ng tao ngayon, kapos na. Parang wala nang bigat ang
pagiging mahirap.

But then, people won't understand how much poverty can change a person's life until
they have to count every peso to make sure they have enough for a fare, until they
are willing to choke down their pride just to get by . . . until they have to work
nonstop and still don't make enough money.

I couldn't even say I was still lucky to have enough food to eat because, for
fuck's sake, that was a basic necessity that no one should be deprived of!

"May problema ba?" tanong ni Leon sa akin matapos naming ipasa sa statistician ang
data namin.

I forced a smile as I shook my head. "Wala . . . bakit mo naman iisipin 'yan?"

"Ilang araw ka nang tahimik, eh. Pagod ka? You want to rest?" He patted my head
softly. "Sabihin mo lang sa 'kin kapag may problema, ha? I'll help you in the best
way I can."

"Bakit mo ba laging iniisip na pagod ako? Haggard ba 'ko?" pagbibiro ko.

From my head, his hand went down to my cheek and poked it. "You will never look
haggard in my eyes."

I pouted. "Eh, sa mata ng iba?"

"Who cares about them?" He chuckled. "Tara, iuuwi na kita. May client ka ngayong
hapon, 'di ba? Debutant?"

I felt tired just thinking about it, but I nodded. Magkahawak-kamay kaming umalis
ng school. Isang oras lang akong gumawa ng mga assignment ko bago naghanda sa
pagpunta sa kliyente ko.

Pakiramdam ko ay susukuan na ako ng katawan ko. Some days, I'd feel like throwing
up, but nothing would come out. Kapag ganoon ay umiinom lang ako ng tubig at gamot
dahil hindi ko naman puwedeng ipahinga agad ang pagod. Ipinagpasalamat ko na lang
na madaling pakisamahan ang kliyente ko ngayon. Nagbigay pa siya ng 200 pesos na
pamasahe ko kaya tuwang-tuwa ako.

Mas mapapadali sana ang trabaho ko kung may locker ako sa school. Puwedeng doon ko
itambak ang mga gamit ko para hindi na ako pabalik-balik sa apartment kapag may
kliyente ako.

I forced myself to work too hard, even if I often felt that I was going to
collapse.

So, on Leon and I's monthsary, I wasn't too surprised when I woke up with a high
fever.

Naka-attend pa rin naman ako sa klase. Nag-jacket lang ako at nag-face mask para
walang makapansin ng pamumutla ko. Maya't maya ang pagbaling sa akin ni Leon, pero
itinext ko lang siya na saka na kami mag-usap kapag nasa bahay na nila kami. Ayoko
namang i-delay pa 'to dahil nangako ako sa kanya.

Gusto kong iiyak ang pagod at sakit ng katawan . . . pero wala akong magawa. Laging
gusto ko lang, pero hindi naman ako makahanap ng oras para gawin 'yon.

They said time is a concept and that 24 hours is long enough to make a day, but not
for me.

Dahil ayokong ipaalam kay Leon na nilalagnat ako ay hindi ako nagpahawak sa kanya.
Ni hindi ko hinayaang magdikit ang balat namin. On the way to their house, the cold
was getting to me so much that my hands were shaking. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung
mabuti bang pa-gabi na. Lalo kasi akong nanlalamig.

"You're avoiding me all day long, Amari," puna ni Leon habang naglalakad kami
papunta sa kanila. "May nagawa ba akong hindi mo nagustuhan?"

Umiling ako. "Wala, Leon . . . kinakabahan lang ako kasi makikilala ko na ang nanay
mo."

"Why do you sound different? Okay ka lang ba?"

Akmang ilalapat niya ang kamay sa noo ko nang umilag ako.

"May sipon lang, pero okay ako," sagot ko.

He seemed disappointed that I avoided his touch, but he only sighed and nodded.

"Ayaw mong magpahawak?"

"Hindi naman sa gano'n. Mamaya na lang kapag tayo na lang dalawa, hmm?"

Muli siyang nagbuntong-hininga. "Kung saan ka komportable."

Pakiramdam ko ay nagtampo siya dahil doon. Nahiya tuloy ako. Monthsary namin tapos
baka iniisip niyang ginagalit ko siya. Wala na nga akong regalo tapos hindi ko pa
siya mapahawak sa 'kin. Ayoko lang namang pauwiin niya ako kapag nalaman niyang may
lagnat ako.

When we reached their home, I was greeted by his mom. Pasasalamat kong hindi bumeso
o yumakap sa akin ang ginang dahil siguradong mararamdaman niya ang init ng katawan
ko. She only smiled at me and tapped my shoulder gently.

"Ikaw si Mendoza, 'di ba?" malambing na tanong nito. "Ang tagal ka nang naikukwento
ni Leon. Mabuti na lang at pumasa na sa 'yo ang anak ko."

"Nay . . ." suway ng lalaki.

Sa likod ng face mask ay napangiti ako. "Madalas din po kayong ma-kwento ni Leon."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "May sipon ka? Sakto at may herbal tea ako d'yan. Paiinumin
kita mamaya."

Tumango ako. "Salamat po, ma'am."

"Tita na lang. Tita Leah." She gave me a warm smile. "Wala 'yong kambal. Pinatao ko
saglit sa palengke. Nakilala mo naman sila, 'di ba?"

"Opo," sagot ko.

"O siya, kumain na tayo. Hindi ko na kayo aabalahin nang husto dahil isasara ko pa
ang palengke at alam kong magce-celebrate din kayo ng anniversary n'yo . . ."

"Monthsary pa lang, nay," natatawang sabi ni Leon bago hinalikan ang tuktok ng ulo
ng ina. "Hindi ko pa kayo naipapakilala, ang dami mo na agad nasabi sa girlfriend
ko."

"Ano ka ba! Ang tagal kong hinintay na magpakilala ka ng babae, 'no!" rinig kong
sagot nito. "Bukambibig mo na 'yang si Mendoza simula first year ka. Hindi mo na
kailangang ipakilala sa 'kin."

Muli akong napangiti sa lambingan ng mag-ina. Hawig siya ni Leon sa mata. Parehas
itim at mapungay. Kung totoong ikinukwento na ako ni Leon sa kanya simula first
year . . . ano naman kayang madalas sabihin niya? Hindi naman siguro inis dahil
lagi ko siyang nilalabanan sa debates?

I tried to chuckle at my own thoughts, but my temples throbbed in pain.

"Halika na . . ." yaya ni Leon, bahid pa rin ang pagtatampo sa mukha.

"Susunod ako," sagot ko.

Tumango lang siya.

Nang mawala siya sa paningin ko ay agad kong tinanggal ang face mask at nag-apply
ng pulang liptint para hindi ako magmukhang maputla. Naglagay na rin ako ng pressed
powder para umayos ang itsura ko. When I was done, I followed them to the dining
room.

Dalawang putahe ang nandoon — pakbet at kare-kare. Personal daw iyong hiniling ni
Leon dahil alam niyang gusto ko.

"Sayang at hindi ako makakapagtagal. Sana kapag may oras ay makabisita ka ulit dito
sa amin," sabi ng ginang habang ipinaglalagay kami ni Leon ng pagkain sa pinggan.

I couldn't focus. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako kakain gayong wala akong kagana-
gana.

"Susubukan ko po, tita," mahinang sagot ko. "Nagthe-thesis naman po kami ni Leon.
Mapapadalas po ang pagsasama namin . . ."

She smiled. "Naku, mabuti talaga at naging boyfriend mo na ang anak ko. Akala ko ay
busted na. Ang tagal kong inaasar."

Pinilit kong makatawa. "Wala naman pong bubusted kay Leon."

"Nakakatuwa. Nabanggit niyang lagi ka rin daw top 1? Mukhang maraming matututunan
ang batang 'to sa 'yo," sabay gulo sa buhok ng anak.

It was just an ordinary meal . . . only that I had a hard time eating.

Unlike Leon, his mom was talkative and full of energy given her age and despite
being busy. She looked simple. Naka-maong na tokong at t-shirt lang. Sa baywang
naman ay nakatali ang apron na nakatupi. Kung ibang araw lang ay nakadaldal din ako
nang husto. Kaya lang, pinanlalabanan ko nang husto ang sakit ng ulo at katawan ko.

Even though I wanted to throw up all the food I had eaten, I still smiled as Leon
and I took Tita Leah to the tricycle stop. Wala ulit kaming imikan pabalik sa bahay
nila kaya alam kong nagtatampo talaga siya sa akin.

We still proceeded to his treehouse. Ibinalik ko ang face mask ko at pasasalamat ko

na lang na makapal ang jacket na suot ko. I would just greet Leon a heartful happy
monthsary and I'd be okay.

Nauna siyang umakyat sa treehouse. Inilahad naman niya ang kamay para alalayan ako
at hindi ako nagdalawang isip na kunin iyon. Nang tuluyang makaakyat ay sinubukan
kong bawiin ang kamay sa kanya pero hindi niya iyon pinakawalan.

When I looked at his face, I realized that he probably had noticed that my hand was
hot. I tried again to take it away from him, but he held on to it even tighter.

"Leon . . ." kinakabahang tawag ko sa kanya.

Hindi niya pinansin ang pagdaing ko. Instead, he pulled me toward him and put his
hand on my forehead.

"Nilalagnat ka!" rinig ko ang pagpipigil niya.

I attempted to get away from him, but he reached out and put his hand on my neck.
He muttered curses as he set me down to sit. Dali-dali niyang kinuha ang kumot niya
at binalot iyon sa akin.

"Amari, ang init mo . . ." Halo-halong emosyon sa tinig niya. "Ba't hindi mo naman
sinabi?"

Hindi pa ako nakakasagot ay pumunta na siya sa bintana at pumindot sa cellphone

niya.

"Nay, nasa palengke ka na ba? Pauwiin mo nga rito si Nash. Pabilhin mo ng gamot . .
. ang taas ng lagnat ni Amari, eh," mabilis na sabi niya. "Kumuha pati ng towel at
tubig para mapunasan ko. Sabi na, eh. Maputla, eh!"

A tear rolled down my cheek when I heard how worried he was. At that time, I felt
so worthless for being so sick on our special day. Wala na nga akong naibigay sa
kanya, magpapaalaga pa ako.

"Bilisan, please . . ." puno ng pag-aalalang sabi niya. "Pati kutson. Pag-usungan
nila ni Nathaniel. Hindi ko maiiwan si Amari dito."

I covered my face when I couldn't stop crying. Iyong iyak ng pagod, sakit ng ulo at
katawan, at takot na hindi ko mapasaya si Leon, pakiramdam ko ay iniiyak kong
lahat. I could feel my shoulders moving because I had been crying so much. I felt
so bad that Leon had to deal with all my bullshit.

"Ano'ng masakit?" pagdalo naman niya sa akin.

Lumuhod siya sa harap ko at pinalis ang luha ko.

"I-I'm sorry, ngayon pa talaga ako nagkasakit," hikbi ko, ang mga kamay ay
nakatakip pa rin sa mukha. "H-Hindi ko sinasadyang magkasakit ngayon, Leon . . . S-
Sorry."

I was bracing myself for an outburst, but instead, I felt his arms wrapping around
my body, sharing some of his warmth with me and soothing the center of my being.

"Sorry pinaglakad pa kita . . ." mahinang sabi niya. "I should have listened to my
instincts that you were pale. I'm sorry for being insensitive, baby. Please stop
crying. Hindi mo kasalanan 'to . . ."

Umiling ako. "M-Monthsary natin ngayon. Dapat masaya tayo . . ."

"As long as you're healthy . . ." he muttered. "Why do you need to overwork
yourself? Hmm?"

His voice was comforting me, relieving my every nerve.

"Kailangan, eh . . ." paghikbi ko pa. "A-Ang dami kong bayarin, Leon."

"Bakit hindi ka nagsasabi sa 'kin?" malambing pa rin na tanong niya, para bang
takot na lalo akong umiyak. "Lagi mong sinasabing okay ka. Paano kita
matutulungan?"

Umiling ako. "This is my problem, Leon. May sarili ka ring dinadala. Hindi tamang
ipabuhat ko sa 'yo 'to."

Naramdaman ko ang paghaplos niya sa buhok ko at maya maya'y pagpatak ng halik sa

noo ko. He cupped my face and removed my face mask. Pinalis niya ang mga natitirang
luha sa mukha ko at nginitian ako.
"Hindi ko naman bubuhatin lahat . . . tutulungan lang kitang magdala para hindi
sobrang mabigat," aniya. "I'm your partner. Hindi lang sa saya. I'm with you even
on your most painful days."

Muling naglaglagan ang mga luha ko. "H-Hirap na hirap na ako, Leon . . . hirap na
hirap na ako."

Hinahabol ng mga daliri niya ang pumapatak na luha ko kaya lalo akong naging
emosyonal.

"T-Tinakwil na ako ni M-Mr. Mendoza . . ." mahinang sabi ko, hindi sigurado kung
naiintindihan niya pa ako. "Leon, wala na akong tatay . . . wala na akong aasahang
maging tatay."

My vision was growing hazy, but I could still see him gazing down at me while
gently caressing my cheeks.

"Kanya 'yong apartment na tinutuluyan namin . . . at kapalit ng pagtira do'n, Leon,

kailangan kong maging top student," I confessed, my voice breaking. "T-Tuwing mas
mataas ang score mo sa 'kin, tuwing mas magaling ka sa 'kin . . . sinasabi niyang
nagpapabaya ako. Sinasabi niyang hindi ako nag-aaral nang mabuti."

He pressed my head against his chest and embraced me.

"L-Leon, I'm sorry . . . ikaw ang naghirap sa kagustuhan kong maabot ang kondisyon
ng tatay ko . . . sorry. H-Hindi valid reason, at wala akong excuse para do'n . . .
kaya sorry. You don't deserve my hatred and petty arguments."

Hinaplos niya nang paulit-ulit ang likuran ko.

"Ako na ang nagbabayad ng renta namin ngayon . . . kasi pinapabayaran ni Mr.

Mendoza. K-Kaya ako kumakayod nang doble . . . kasi ambigat-bigat ng walong libo
kada buwan. May utang pa ako sa mga kaibigan ko." Patuloy ang paghikbi ko. "I'm
overworking myself not because I want to . . . but because I have no other choice,
Leon. Sana pinilit kong hindi magkasakit ngayon. P-Pasensya na."

"Shh . . ." he hushed me. "We'll talk after you take your meds, hmm? Baka mapagod
ang boses ng mahal ko. Please don't cry too much . . ."

Pinatahan niya lang ako hanggang sa dumating ang mga kapatid niya. Naging mabilis
ang mga pangyayari dahil natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili kong nakahiga sa malambot
na kutson.

Leon told me to drink the medicine before I closed my eyes to rest. Before I fell
asleep completely, I felt a damp cloth wiping across my face and neck.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal pero nang magising ako ay medyo gumaan na ang
pakiramdam ko. Leon had his arms around me, and my face was against his chest. Ito
ang unang beses na nagtabi kami sa kama . . . at hindi ko inaasahang kaya ko palang
gumising nang maluwag ang dibdib kahit na kumikirot ang ilang parte ng katawan ko.

Naramdaman niya sigurong nagising ako dahil hinaplos niya ang likuran ko.

"Tutulungan kita sa bayarin mo, ha?" panimula niya.

"Leo—"

"Shh . . . kaya ko naman, eh. Ako na ang magluluto lagi ng lunch natin para hindi
ka na gumagastos, tapos ako na rin muna ang magbabayad sa statistician para
mabayaran mo 'yong utang mo, okay?"

I knew I was starting to get emotional again because I could feel another batch of
tears forming in my eyes.

"Kaya kong mag-ambag ng dalawa hanggang tatlong libo buwan-buwan. Tapos puwede
nating ipagbenta 'yong mga libro ko para may ipon tayo . . . ano sa tingin mo?"

"Leon naman, eh . . ." My voice cracked. "K-Kailangan mo rin 'yon dito sa

inyo . . ."

"We can still manage our finances. Hindi malaki ang kuryente namin dahil dalawang
electric fan lang naman ang gumagana, isang TV, isang ref, at iilang ilaw," aniya.
"Hindi rin malaki ang bill namin ng tubig . . . at kayang-kaya 'yon ng kinikita ni
nanay. May naiipon naman ako buwan-buwan. Hangga't nand'yan kayo sa apartment,
tutulong akong magbigay sa 'yo."

Lalo kong inilapit ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya at doon tuluyang napahikbi. How can
he be so selfless? I'm not the easiest person to love . . . to be with. I'd shown
him my bad sides. I'd handed him the possible mistakes I could still make in the
future.

Still, he stayed. Still, he held my hand and continued to build his world with me.

"Kapag naibenta na natin 'yong mga libro ko, mag-avail tayo ng locker, gusto mo?
Para doon mo na lang iiwan ang gamit mo." He exhaled deeply. "I noticed that you
have a few muscle cramps on your back. Nakapa ko kanina. Hindi magandang ipilit mo
sa katawan mo ang bigat ng mga binibitbit mo, Amari. Baka lalo kang magkasakit."

"S-Sorry, Leon . . ."

"Magpapagaling ka, ha? And how many times do I need to tell you? I'm here. Kahit
kaunting sakit, sabihin mo sa 'kin. You don't have to go through much because you
can always share your pain with me."

Tumango ako. "A-Ayokong umuwi. Mag-aalala lang sila sa 'kin. Ayokong makaabala,
Leon . . ."

"Tell me who to text and what to say. I'll do it for you. You can stay the night.
Aalagaan kita para makapagpahinga ka."

"Gamitin mo ang cellphone ko. I-text mo si Kat na hindi ako makakauwi dahil gagawa
tayo ng thesis," bulong ko. "I-I'm sorry, Leon. Monthsary natin tapos ganito
ako . . ."

Inilayo niya ako sa kanya at nang bumaba ang mukha niya sa akin ay awtomatikong
pumikit ako. He gave my lips a peck and looked at me with so much adoration in his
eyes.

"I love you," he said.

My lips quivered.

"Don't feel guilty just because I'm taking care of you." Hinaplos niya ang pisngi
ko at marahang ngumiti sa akin. "Natural 'to kapag nagmamahal ka."

Nanubig muli ang mga mata ko. Sa harapan niya lang ako umiyak nang ganito. No
embarrassment. No pretensions. Just me, showing him my vulnerable side, and him,
giving it a shelter.
And so, with my remaining strength, I said it back.

"Mahal din kita, Leon. Mahal na mahal . . ."

Chapter 21 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 21

It is true what they say, that one day you will meet someone who will understand
how to really love you.

Their hands will be big enough for you to fit in between them. They will catch your
laughter in a jar and open it in the middle of the night to listen to it again.
They will remember every breath and laugh. They will pursue your heart even if you
don't know that it desires to be captured in the first place.

One day, you'll find someone . . . because right now, I know I've found mine.

Everything that Leon said and planned did come true.

Nag-avail siya ng may kalakihang locker para sa aming dalawa at doon namin iniiwan
ang mga libro at ibang gamit namin. He also put my makeup trolley and ring light
there, basically taking up all the space. Kaya kapag may raket ako ay hindi na ako
umuuwi sa apartment. He'd accompany me to carry my stuff. Hindi pa siya pumapayag
na hindi siya kasama.

Itinira lang namin ang DSM-5-TR niya at ang Theories of Personality book na binili
ko noon gamit ang voucher niya . . . but other than that, we sold all our books
together.

Lagi rin akong may libreng breakfast at lunch dahil hindi siya nakakalimot magdala
noon. He'd make sure I ate everything before we started working on our thesis.

"Thaddeus told me that you borrowed money from Shaira . . ." he said one time when
we were in the library. "Kaya tinatanong kita noon kung may problema ka. You're not
telling me anything."

I sighed. "Syempre, nahihiya ako, Leon. Bago pa lang tayo. I don't want to dump all
my problems on you."

Sumeryoso ang mukha niya bago iniayos ang salamin.

"When I fell in love with you, I was ready for all that," he said. "I didn't love
you just for convenience."

There comes the familiar flutter in my heart. Laging ganoon. Kahit gaano kaseryoso,
basta sabihin niya lang na mahal niya ako, parang nakakawala sa wisyo.

"Now you'll pout like I'm scolding you," pagsusungit niya.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. "Eh, kasi . . . okay naman na, eh. Ba't mo pa ako
pinapagalitan?"

"I'm just saying that you should practice telling me about your problems better.
Para alam ko kung paano at saan kita tutulungan."

Tumango na lang ako dahil alam kong may punto siya. Matagal na akong ganito . . .
kahit sa mga kaibigan ko. I'm not good at talking about my problems because I was
raised to think that no one cares or that they have their own problems to deal
with. Lahat naman kasi tayo ay may dinadala. Nakakahiya namang ipabitbit pa ito sa
iba.

Naging mas madalas ang pagsasama namin ni Leon. We became partners in everything.
Sabay kaming pumapasok araw-araw. Una kaysa sa mga kaklase ko. We'll have breakfast
by ourselves in our rooms and lunch with our classmates. Most of them knew we were
together already. Hindi naman kasi ma-ide-deny sa kilos namin.

After class, we'll work on our academic papers, and then we'll head to my makeup
sessions or his clients. Salitan ang ginawa naming pagtanggap ng kliyente.
Tinutulungan niya akong magdala ng mga gamit ko tuwing ako ang may trabaho at
tinutulungan ko naman siyang tapusin ang commissions niya kapag siya ang meron.

This was easier. Nakakapagpahinga ako at kahit papaano ay nakakaipon. Una ko munang
binayaran si Zoey dahil iyon pa lang ang kaya ko at nangako naman ako kay Shaira na
sa susunod na buwan ako maghuhulog sa kanya.

I was thinking of introducing Leon to all my friends at home, but I don't know how
to tell them. Gusto ko sana ay bago umalis si Kat sa apartment. She'd graduate
soon. Kapag nagkataon ay baka mahirapan na kaming magkita-kita.

"Amari, ibinili kita ng duster, oh!" sabi ni Tita Leah sa akin nang bumisita ulit
ako sa bahay nila.

She smiled broadly as she lifted the blue and red floral dusters to show them to me
and then set them back down.

"Nakita kong ibinebenta sa palengke. Naisip kita agad," dagdag niya pa.

Napansin ko ang panonood sa akin ni Leon kaya tumikhim siya.

"Hindi naman nagsusuot nang gan'yan si Mari, nay," aniya.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Agad akong umiling kay Tita Leah na mukhang anumang oras
ay madidismaya na.

"Nagsusuot po ako n'yan, tita!" halos sigaw ko. "Kapag nasa apartment . . ."

Tumawa si Leon. "Really?"

I frowned. "Really, Leon! Ang komportable kaya!"

Lumapit si Tita Leah sa akin at ipinatong sa mga hita ko ang dalawang duster.
"Kahit kapag dito ka matutulog. Puwede mong isuot para presko."

"Maraming salamat po, tita. Hayaan n'yo po at kapag wala kaming gagawin ni Leon
ngayong Sabado ay kami po ang tatao sa tindahan n'yo."

Umiling siya. "Naku, hindi na! Tapusin n'yo na lang ang thesis n'yo dahil malapit
na rin ang defense n'yo, 'di ba?"

Sumagot si Leon. "Oo, nay. Magpa-practice defense muna kami sa treehouse.

Magpahinga ka na sa kwarto at ako na ang maghuhugas ng mga pinaglutuan mo kanina."

It was a typical day. I'm getting used to seeing Leon as the best son of his
mother. Kita ko kung paano niya ito alagaan at pagsilbihan. His brothers, Nash and
Nathaniel, were really blessed to have him as an older brother. Actually, everyone
around Leon was lucky to know him.

"What are your thoughts about children not being the retirement plan of their
parents? You know . . . the thing on social media. Utang na loob daw ng anak na
tumulong sa mga magulang," tanong ko habang naghuhugas siya.

Mabilis siyang tumingin sa akin. "Well, it's not the children's job to help out
their parents. They were brought into the world, and it was the parents'
responsibility to raise them without thinking of it as an investment."

Napangiti ako sa sagot niya. "So, it's okay to not help, right?"

"Yeah . . . sure." Tumango siya. "Pero kung naging mabuting tao naman sa 'yo ang
mga magulang mo . . . isn't it nice to thank them for all they've done? Just don't
consider it as debt. Think of it as giving them what they deserve."

"Kaya kapag nakatapos tayo . . . tutulong ka pa lalo sa nanay mo?"

He nodded. "I know it's her job to make sure that I have enough to eat, drink, a
place to live in, and an education to get by, but I love her, and I want to help
carry some of her burdens." Nakita ko ang pagngiti niya. "Napakabait n'yan. My
father left us with debts, but she didn't say anything. Gusto kong guminhawa ang
buhay niya kasi nakita ko lahat ng paghihirap niya para ibigay ang lahat sa aming
magkakapatid."

Without thinking much, I hugged him from behind and laid my head on his back.

"I can't help but be proud of Tita Leah . . ." I whispered. "She raised an amazing
man."

I never thought that there would be a day when all I could feel was love. Love for
psychology, love for my art, love for my friends, love for my classmates, and love
for Leon. Ibang-iba sa pakiramdam noong una akong nagkaroon ng kasintahan.

Back then, I held all my worries to myself because I was afraid Jin would get mad
at me again for having too many problems. I would put up with his yelling because I
was too emotionally weak to defend myself. He made me feel like all the demons in
my head were right.

So, this relationship I have with Leon was like a . . . reset.

Puwede pala akong magsabi ng problema ko nang hindi natatakot na baka magalit siya.
Puwede pala akong magpakita ng kahinaan kasi hindi niya ako sisigawan; aalagaan
niya pa ako. Puwede palang sa simpleng paghawak lang sa kamay ko, sa simpleng halik
sa noo, sa simpleng pagyakap, matatahimik ang mga bulong sa utak ko.

He loved me more than words could express. He loved me even though I thought I
couldn't be loved.

"Congratulations, Mr. Zamora and Ms. Mendoza for winning our university's best
thesis award!"

Everyone applauded as we made our way to the front of the hall to receive our
certificates. It was at the flag ceremony when it was announced that we had won the
best thesis award, defeating all the programs we competed against. Si Leon ang nag-
present noon at ako naman ang sumagot sa queries ng mga panel members na akala yata
ay display lang ako.

"Thank you for this award. Our study looked at how growing up in a broken family
affects a young adult's personality, how well they do in school, and how well they
get along with other people . . ." panimula ni Leon nang ibigay sa kanya ni Dean
ang mic. "It was my partner's idea, actually," sabay tingin sa akin. "She said that
it was relevant and something that a lot of people could relate to."

Napangiti lang ako. Rinig ko ang sigawan ng mga kaklase namin. Nangingibabaw ang
boses nina Shaira, Meg, at Zoey. Miski sina Mill at Kat ay humihiyaw para sa akin.
Sayang at wala si Karsen ngayon dito. She has a date . . . or work to do with her
idol.

"Mari, best girl!" sigaw ni Shaira. "Mari, queen! Mari, slay! Mari, marry me!"

Kinailangan pa siyang puntahan ni Ms. Lubrica para patahimikin.

"Our research hypothesis was accepted, just as we thought it would be. Growing up
in a broken family can change a person's values, beliefs, and standpoints. Some of
them worked too hard at school, while others rebelled. Some turned into introverts,
while others turned into extroverts."

Habang nagsasalita si Leon ay nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. I knew he could relate
so much to our study because he grew up without his father. He was the one who
worked too hard at school . . . and became introvert. Mabuti nga at binubuksan niya
na ang sarili niya sa iba.

"For our recommendations . . ." He glanced at me. "They were all written by my
partner."

I gulped as he handed me the mic. Wala 'to sa plano!

"Queen!"

"Ms. Chavez!" suway ni Ms. Lubrica kay Shaira.

I blinked as I looked at the crowd, the pool of people eyeing me. My eyes found
Kat, who was looking at me like a proud mother watching her daughter receive her
first award . . . and then to Mill, who was looking at me with a small smile on her
lips, nodding, and encouraging me to talk.

"First of all, for every child who grew up witnessing their parents fight,
listening to shouts and screams, celebrating holidays with different families they
know nothing about, understand that when life tumbles down at your feet, sometimes,
we shouldn't always pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. Maybe
life was teaching us that we should just start over and make something new,"
mahabang litanya ko.

Nakatingin lang ang lahat sa akin.

"For parents, you bring your children into the world . . . so, even if you're no
longer with your partner, please guide them in the best way possible," dagdag ko.
"A family is not a connection based on genetic ties. It was conceived from within.
Hindi naman kailangang magkaroon ka ng nanay, ng tatay, at ng mga kapatid, para
masabing may pamilya ka."

I looked at Kat again and smiled.

"Sometimes, a family can be found in the eyes of the people who will hug you at 3
a.m. when your world seems to be crumbling apart." I then glanced at Mill. "A
family can be found in the arms of the people who will shelter you when you're too
vulnerable to protect yourself."
I took a deep breath and thought of Karsen.

"A family can be found in the shared smiles, tiny cute voices, pink hairclips, and
tight hugs when you feel so tired."

I felt like a veil had been lifted from my eyes when I suddenly realized that I did
not come from a broken home. I am blessed with a full and loving family who would
go to any lengths for me.

After I finished my third year of college, Kat left the apartment and started
working in the province. Uuwi-uwi raw siya para tingnan kami . . . lalo si Karsen
na alam naming magiging komplikado ang buhay dahil sa pakikipagrelasyon niya sa
isang sikat na personalidad.

"Titingnan-tingnan n'yo si Karsen, ha?" bilin niya pa sa amin ni Mill nang makipag-
video call siya.

"Sapak sa 'kin ang boyfriend no'n kapag hindi siya umayos," sagot ni Mill. "Ba't ba
kasi hinayaan mong mag-boyfriend agad 'yon? Dapat after college na, eh."

Natutop ko ang bibig. After college pala dapat mag-boyfriend.

"Ikaw ang laging kumukunsinti sa bata, Millicent," saad naman ni Kat.

"Bata," she echoed.

Tumikhim ako. "It is best if we just let them be. Hindi naman kasi mapagsasabihan
si Karsen kapag si Kobe ang usapan."

"Isa ka pa, Amari. Dati ay tinatakot mo 'yong isa sa posibilidad ng pagpasok sa

relasyon . . . what is happening to you?" suway ni Kat. "You're growing softer, not
that it's a bad thing. Pero may dapat ba kaming malaman?"

Halos mapaubo ako. "Uhm . . . maaga pa ang clinical internship ko bukas. I should
sleep now."

Mill glared at me. "May itinatago ka talagang gaga ka!"

"We'll talk about this again, Mari. Hindi pa tayo tapos," sabi pa ni Kat.

Tumawa lang ako. One day, I'll find a way to introduce them to Leon. Kapag hindi na
kami masyadong nag-aalala sa estado ni Karsen.

The pursuit of fame is not something that I will ever regard as a good thing
because it will put you in a place where others are free to criticize you. Your
life will be observed with the keen vision of an eagle, and they will sift through
every crumb of information there is to find out about you.

At hindi sanay sa ganoon si Karsen. She's just a simple girl who likes pretty and
shiny pink things. Tuloy ay kinakabahan na ako para sa mga puwedeng mangyari.

Naging madali lang ang clinical internship namin. May suweldo pa ang napuntahan
naming mental hospital, ang Valencia-Desamero Mental Hospital o mas tinatawag na
VDMH, kaya mas lalo kaming nakaipon ni Leon.

VDMH offered my boyfriend work right away after he graduated, which he was happy to
say he would consider. Dr. Fujimoto saw that he could help clients feel at ease, so
she wanted to employ him to the best of the hospital's ability.
Nagustuhan din naman ako ni Mrs. Dela Paz kaya kinausap niya akong magtrabaho rin
doon. She told me that if I came back to her after college, she would help me get
my master's degree.

"Ang galing natin," bulong ko kay Leon nang i-celebrate namin ang monthsary namin.
"We secure work after graduation. Hindi na tayo mahihirapan mag-apply."

Dito kami lagi sa treehouse niya nagce-celebrate ng monthsary dahil ito ang afford
namin. Magluluto lang kami nang magkasama, kakain, at matutulog nang magkatabi.

We also put money aside until we had enough to buy a soft mattress and a portable
electric fan. Bukod pa roon, nakakapagbayad kami ng renta. We have a small piggy
bank where we put anywhere from twenty to fifty pesos every day, and we have both
agreed that we will use those funds to celebrate our graduation together.

Kakain kami sa isang steak house at mag-s-staycation sa isang hotel. Buong relasyon
kasi namin ay kung hindi lutong-bahay ay sa carinderia kami kumakain.

"Mag-fo-fourth year na tayo." Yumakap siya sa likuran ko. "Once you move out of the
apartment, do you want to move in with me?"

Hinawakan ko ang braso niya at humilig sa dibdib niya. "Saka na . . . kapag may
kasama na rin ang mga kaibigan ko. I don't want to leave Mill and Karsen. Tatatlo
na nga kami sa apartment, eh."

Hindi siya nagsalita.

"At isa pa, wala ka rin namang bahay, ah? Saan tayo mag-s-stay?" tanong ko pa.

His chest heaved. "We'll rent. Mas malapit sa VDMH."

Ngumuso ako. "Baka mabuntis mo 'ko . . ."

"Mendoza," suway niya. "We won't have sex until we get married, remember?"

"Old school," pang-aasar ko.

"Don't test me."

Tumawa ako. "How can you be so confident you can resist me when we live together
when I can already feel your throbbing cock on my behind now that you're just
hugging me?"

He sighed. "God . . . you are so stubborn."

Hindi na ako nagulat nang iniharap niya ako sa kanya. His lips went right through
mine, and if he hadn't promised to have sex with me when I became a Zamora, we
could have owned each other's bodies already. Laging hanggang makeout lang kami.
When he felt we were being too aggressive, he would pull away and close his eyes in
an attempt to avoid contact with me.

Wala kaming matinding pinag-aawayan. Hindi ko lang maiwasan minsan ang magselos kay
Psyche dahil ichina-chat siya ng babae minsan para sa lupain nila na matagal naman
nang nai-transfer sa pangalan ni Tita Leah.

I can tell that the girl likes him, but luckily, she knows that Leon is taken, so
she doesn't try to get it on with him.
Months into our fourth year in college, Karsen faced a crisis that eventually
forced her to stay with her boyfriend. Naging maingay iyon sa buong school at miski
kami ni Mill ay nasabihang nanto-tolerate ng cheater at manggagamit. Mayaman daw
kasi si Kobe kaya pumapayag kaming maging kabit ang kaibigan namin.

It was messy, but all we could think of was Karsen. Binili ko ang hairclips niya na
iniisip kong ibigay kay Tita Leah kahit na alam kong wala naman siyang hilig doon.
I just want to help my friend out. She was struggling so much.

"Mari, 'yong nasa alkansya natin ang ginamit mo?" tanong ni Leon habang
nagtatanghalian kami sa garden ng school. "Akala ko ba ay para sa celebration ng
graduation natin 'yon?"

I bit the inside of my lower lip. "Babayaran ko naman. Saka, nag-text ako sa 'yo,
'di ba? Ayoko lang din kasing walang ibigay kay Karsen. She needs help—"

"And you don't?" he cut me off.

Natahimik ako.

"You gave her half of our savings, Mari." He sighed.

"Kaibigan ko si Karsen, Leon. Natural lang na tutulong ako," giit ko. "She starved
herself and she faced a lot of bullshit."

Yumuko siya.

Nagbuntong-hininga ako. "I'm sorry . . . babayaran ko rin naman agad."

He shook his head. "You'll save your scholarship stipend for our educational and
industrial internship next semester."

"I'll figure it out, Leon . . ."

"Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan mong magpanggap na meron ka, Amari,"
aniya. "You can offer her moral support . . ."

"Moral support? Mapapakain ba n'yan si Karsen?" Tumaas ang boses ko. "Babayaran ko
nga bago tayo gumraduate, 'di ba? Ang tagal-tagal pa no'n. Ano bang pinoproblema
mo? It's just money! Maiipon ko ulit 'yon!"

"It's not just money, Mari," sagot niya. "It's you, trying to help other people
when you know you need help yourself."

I felt like he was feeling sorry for me . . . and I hated it.

"Hindi ko pinipilit na tumulong ka sa 'kin, Leon, kaya sana 'wag mong pakialamanan
kung saan ako gagastos," saad ko. "Iyo na 'yong natira sa alkansya. Tig-kalahati
naman tayo ro'n, 'di ba? I only spent half."

Fear passed across his eyes.

"That's not what I mean . . ."

I stood up and gathered my stuff.

"Mari naman," tawag niya.

Umiling ako. "You don't understand, Leon. Karsen is my family. At gaya ng turing mo
sa pamilya mo, uubusin ko rin ang sarili ko para sa kanila."

Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. "Yeah . . . sit down please. Sorry na. Let's talk
about this more calmly."

That was by far the worst fight we ever had, but we solved it right away, just like
we did with other small fights. Nakukuha ko ang punto niya, pero nanindigan ako sa
pinaglalaban ko. Hindi niya naman pera ang ginamit ko . . . at gaya ng sinabi ko,
ibabalik ko naman 'yon. I just couldn't sit still while my friend was struggling.

We celebrated our first anniversary, but since we were still having trouble with
money, we didn't do anything too special . . . or at least what society has labeled
"special."

Araw-araw naman kasi, basta kasama ko siya ay espesyal para sa akin. Kahit na hindi
kami nakakabili ng bagong gamit para sa sarili. Kahit na hindi kami nakakakain sa
mamahaling kainan. Kahit na parang ang mahal mabuhay.

May mga pagtatalong hindi maiiwasan . . . pero kahit isang beses ay hindi namin
napag-usapan ang maghiwalay.

I know that we still have a lot to go through in life, but as long as he's by my
side, I'm ready for anything.

Chapter 22 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 22

"Eighty pesos para sa itim na slacks?" Nag-thumbs up pa ako sa kanya. "Good

choice!"

He grinned as he checked the slacks. "You think this will fit me?"

Tumango ako. "Tapos white or gray na long sleeves na polo."

"Eh, sapatos?"

Tumingin ako sa estante ng mga lumang sapatos at agad na nakuha ng atensyon ko ang
isang kulay tsokolate na sperry top sider.

I strolled over there and showed it to him.

"Ito?"

He squinted. "White long sleeves ang hahanapin ko kung ayan . . ."

"White long sleeves it is!"

Nangingiting nilapitan niya lang ako.

Nagpaalam siya sa akin para isukat sa fitting room ang mga napili ko para sa kanya.
Naupo lang ako sa monobloc na naroon. Para akong bulateng sabik na sabik na makita
siya. I never imagined that going shopping with him would be so much fun . . .
kahit pa hindi naman mga mamahalin ang binibili namin.

I sighed as I leaned back in the chair.

Matapos ang mabilis na pagtatalo ay naging mas masinop kami ni Leon sa pera.

Imbes na bumili ng mga bagong damit at sapatos para sa nalalapit naming graduation
ay napagpasyahan na lang naming pumunta sa ukay-ukay. Nag-canvas din naman kami ng
mga puwedeng gamitin sa ibang boutique. Kaya lang ay pareho kaming nanghinayang sa
gastos.

I want a new dress. I really do. I want to have the money to buy Leon everything he
wants. Kung ako ang papipiliin ay gusto kong regaluhan namin ang mga sarili ng mga
bagong bagay.

But then, if you were poor, you wouldn't have as many options. Hindi naman kasi
lahat ng gusto mo ay mabilis na lalapag sa palad mo.

You want a pair of shoes? Fucking work to get them. You want a new set of
wardrobes? Again, work your freaking ass. Kung kinakailangang halos masubsob ka sa
kakatrabaho para lang mabili mo ang gusto mo, gawin mo.

However, in some situations, like ours . . . even if we work, even if we burn

ourselves out, material things would be our last priority because we have
responsibilities to take care of.

Because that is the reality of having luxury and wealth — those who do not have
them are forced to just glance at the nicest things and smile to themselves because
they know they cannot buy them.

"Bagay ba?"

Napatingin ako sa lalaki nang lumabas siya ng fitting room. And my eyes, being the
biased ones that they were, thought that he was really handsome. Parang kahit
basahan yata ang isuot niya ay hindi siya papangit sa paningin ko.

Nothing has changed. Even though we've been together for a long time, I still feel
attracted to him. Mas lumala pa nga. Nariyan pa rin ang kilig kapag makikita ko
siyang guwapong-guwapo tuwing sinusundo ako. Nariyan pa rin ang patagong ngiti
kapag may ginagawa siya sa akin na hindi ko naman hinihingi.

"Pogi mo," I said, smiling.

He poked his tongue into the inside of his cheeks, fighting the urge to smile back.

"Okay na 'ko. Hanap na tayo ng iyo?" malambing na tanong niya. "I think a white
dress will suit you. It'll complement your color."

Ngumuso ako. "Gusto mo lang na parehas tayong nakaputi, eh."

Tumawa siya. At habang nagbabayad siya sa counter ay taimtim akong nagpasalamat sa

langit dahil kahit gaano kahirap ang buhay, binigyan Niya ako ng Leon na
makakatuwang ko sa lahat ng bagay.

Leon could have bought himself new things, but instead he gave me his savings so I
could pay my rent.

Hindi niya iyon kailanman sinumbat sa akin. He never made me feel like I owed him.
Buwang-buwan, tuwing monthsary namin, imbes na mag-celebrate kami sa mga mamahaling
restaurant gaya ng ibang magkasintahan, iaabot niya lang sa akin ang ambag niya,
sasabihing mahal niya ako, at ipapaalalang darating ang araw na matatapos din ang
mga bayarin namin.
"Let's go."

He smiled, and at that very moment, I vowed that one day I would look in the mirror
and see a woman worthy of him.

Weeks went by until it was our last day as college students.

Parang imposible. Parang ang layo-layo. Pero kapag nand’yan siya, parang wala akong
hindi kayang gawin. Hindi ako sigurado kung paano ko nagawang mag-aral at
magtrabaho habang emosyonal na pagod sa lahat.

I wouldn't lie. There were still traces of my father deep within me. Hindi na yata
mawawala 'yon. Iyong kagustuhan na ipakita sa kanya na 'yong anak na iniwan niya,
nandito, nakakatayo nang mag-isa. I wanted him to shift his attention to me. Kahit
isang minuto lang. I wanted to see him smile while I achieved many things.

Ang hirap burahin sa utak ng kinalakihang paniniwala ko. As a child, I saw my

father as my hero. I thought he would keep me safe no matter what. I thought he'd
be just like how fathers were described in books — strong and compassionate.

Akala ko, basta magaling ako, hahanapin nila ako ng totoo kong nanay. They would
eat a meal with me and then tell me how much they hated themselves for ever having
to leave me.

Lumaki akong pinapangarap at hinihiling iyon.

Kaya ngayong alam kong malabo na ‘yong mangyari . . . parang ang hirap baliin ng
nakasanayan.

"I can't believe we're down to our last session already," Ms. Lubrica said during
our mock review for the board exams for psychometricians.

Tuwing Sabado ay may ganoon kaming subject. Virtual review for boards. Hindi iyon
graded pero required kaming umattend dahil tulong ito ng school sa mga graduating
student na hindi kayang mag-review center pagkatapos naming maka-graduate. So,
every Saturday, I'd go to Leon's treehouse, where we'd spend hours listening to Ms.
Lubrica. Tutal ay online naman . . . at doon din malakas ang signal.

"Congratulations, guys, for making it through college," sabi pa ni Ma'am. "Parang

dati lang, kinakabahan pa kayo kapag nasa paligid ako kasi iniisip n'yong strikta
ako . . . pero ngayon, konti na lang, panonoorin ko na kayong mag-martsa."

Naramdaman ko ang paghilig ni Leon sa balikat ko at ang pagdulas ng kamay niya sa

akin.

Nag-init agad ang mukha ko. Buti at naka-off cam kami!

"I still remember getting stressed out because some students were smarter than me."
Tumawa si Ma’am. "Parang wala na akong dapat ituro kasi puwedeng makinig na lang sa
debates ang klase."

"That's us," bulong ni Leon sa akin.

"You guys are the best students I've ever had." Nakangiti si Ma’am sa screen.
"Mamimiss ko ang batch n'yo."

"Mamimiss ka rin namin, ma'am!" It was Shaira's voice. "Isasama po kita sa caption
ko sa graduation picture ko kapag nagpalit na ako ng profile picture," sabay tawa.
Napatawa rin si Ma'am. "Ms. Chavez, kahit virtual review, ang ingay mo."

Nakita ko ang paglawak ng ngiti ng mga kaklase kong naka-open cam. Laptop ni Leon
ang gamit namin pero nasa meeting din ako gamit ang cellphone ko. Nakabukas ang
notepad sa laptop para doon ako mag-t-type ng mga aaralin namin ngayon. May
commissions kasi si Leon kaya baka hindi siya makapag-focus.

"Simulan mo na 'yang i-pu-proofread mong thesis," saad ko sa kasintahan.

He shook his head as he sniffled at my neck.

"Mamaya."

He likes my neck. There's no question about that. I think it's his favorite part of
my body. Gustong-gusto niyang isiksik ang sarili niya roon.

"Okay, let's get started," sabi ni Ma’am. "Mamaya na ang lambingan, ha? Review
muna."

My cheeks warmed up.

"Ay, Mari, pinaparinggan ka!" wika ni Meg. "Ma'am, baka naman hindi niya kasama si
Leon."

"Open cam nga!" segunda agad ni Zoey.

Sunod-sunod ang pagcha-chat ng tawa sa chat box ng meeting. Napanguso na lang ako
lalo ay mukhang aliw na aliw rin ang katabi ko sa nangyayari.

"I like it when they tease us," he said, confirming my assumptions. "Kaysa kay
Paolo ka nila inaasar. This is better."

"You were jealous when they teased me before with Paolo, right?" I asked, smiling.
"But you were with Psyche then."

"You know I don't like Psyche," aniya.

"Pero hinahawakan mo ang kamay."

He sighed. "It's a part of the deal."

"Bakit hindi mo tuluyang ginusto? Sa akin, wala kang mapapalang lupa. Puro sakit
lang ng ulo."

"Kulit mo." He chuckled, kissing the side of my head. "Ikaw nga ang gusto ko. What
else do you want to hear?"

I just smiled to myself while feeling his warmth beside me. Nang magsimula ang
discussion ay pinilit ko siyang simulant na ang trabaho niya. He still worked as a
private tutor, but was more focused on being an academic commissioner. And I'm
telling you, he's the favorite of the clients! Nag-uunahan pa silang i-book siya!

"Everything that is learned can be unlearned . . . and then relearned," kuha ni Ms.
Lubrica sa atensyon ko. "Alam kong sawang-sawa na kayong marinig sa akin ito dahil
paulit-ulit ko 'tong sinasabi sa inyo."

Itinype ko iyon sa laptop ni Leon na ang gamit ngayon ay ang lumang laptop ni Tita
Leah.
"Natutunan ng dila mo na hindi masarap ang sinigang kasi nagsuka ka no'ng unang
beses mo siyang kinain, but after many years, habang nasa school ka, 'yon lang ang
ulam sa canteen kaya 'yon ang binili mo. Surprisingly . . . you have found it
delicious. So, na-unlearn mo na hindi naman pala masama ang lasa ng sinigang.
Nasuka ka lang talaga noon kasi siguro, nagkasakit ka," litanya pa ni Ma'am.

I nodded. I remember that there was a term for this — conditioned taste aversion.

"Ang relearning process, magsisimula ka nang kumain ng sinigang. Bakit?" she

probed. "Because you realized that it wasn't as bad as you thought it was."

Sumandal ako sa upuan at hinayaan ang hanging pumapasok sa bukas na bintana na

humalik sa balat ko.

"So, class, in order to learn, you must first engage in the process of unlearning.
In life, it is important to keep an open mind toward different perspectives and
have the ability to change your opinions when new knowledge is obtained," saad ulit
ni Ma'am. "Hindi natin puwedeng irason na, ito 'yong natutunan ko noon, ito na ang
paniniwalaan ko habangbuhay."

Huminga ako nang malalim, maraming napagtatanto sa sinasabi ni Ma’am.

If I can unlearn my need to make my father happy, then the process of relearning
might be painful for me . . . but it will be well worth it in the end. Hindi ako
puwedeng mabuhay nang iniisip ang mga taong wala namang pakialam sa akin.

"Unlearning means forgetting. Sa mga nagsasabing hindi mo kayang i-unlove ang isang
tao . . . I'm sorry but that's nonsense," she said. "You can't instantly fall in
love with someone. You probably just learned how to love them because you spent
time with them or anything like that, but believe me when I say that you can
unlearn it."

"No unlearning for you, Mendoza . . ." Narinig kong sabi ni Leon kaya napatingin
ako sa kanya.

Seryoso pa rin siyang nagtitipa sa laptop niya.

Ngumuso ako. Para namang may plano ako.

"You can't unlove someone?" Ms. Lubrica chuckled. "Imagine saying that to the
abused victims of their loved ones."

Umiling siya. "Even if that person is related to you by blood, you have the ability
to stop loving them if all they do is hurt you. Huwag kayong makikinig sa sinasabi
ng iba na imposibleng makalimutan natin ang pagmamahal natin sa kanila. It was like
saying that your love for them locked you up for life."

I knew Ms. Lubrica and her words would be imprinted on my mind and heart for a long
time. It was as if she always had the right words ready to go. Kahit hindi niya
alam ang nangyayari sa buhay namin, parang may ideya siya kung ano ang mga dapat
sabihin.

That was the last lesson we had with her. We waited for another three weeks, and
now we were getting ready to be called for our graduation. Si Kat ang magsasabit sa
amin ni Mill at gaya ng nakasanayan na namin ay hindi makakapunta si Karsen.

It made me sad, really. Kami-kami na lang ang magkakasama at wala pa siya sa

espesyal na araw namin ni Mill.
But then I realized that she was dealing with something we didn't know about. Hindi
naging madali ang pinagdaanan niya . . . at sa ngayon, ang kailangan niya ay pang-
unawa.

"Congrats sa aming bitchesang Mari," masayang-masayang sabi ni Mill habang iniaabot

sa akin ang isang bungkos ng rosas.

Beside her was Kat who was also smiling at me with visible unshed tears in her
eyes. Dahan-dahan kong kinuha ang bulaklak habang pinipigilan ang sarili na maging
emosyonal.

The last time I got flowers was when I used to compete in beauty pageants. Naging
hilig ko kasi iyon noon lalo at nagustuhan ko ang mag-makeup. Bukod pa roon ay may
kalakihan ang monetary award.

"Congrats din, Millicent," nakangiting sabi ko. "Wala akong regalo . . ." Said na
kasi ang pera ko dahil sa binayarang renta.

"Ba't hindi ang tatay mo ang magsasabit sa 'yo?" tanong niya. "Gusto ko pa namang
magpasalamat kasi pinatuloy niya tayo sa apartment."

I just smiled. They didn't know because I never told them. Si Leon lang ang
nakaalam sa sikreto kong iyon. Kung alam nila, siguradong mahihirapan silang
magtrabaho habang nag-aalala sa akin. Ayoko nang ipadala sa kanila ‘yon. Ayokong
magtrabaho sila habang iniisip ako.

Kat walked up to me and gave me a hug.

"Mabuti na lang at hindi siya pumunta," bulong niya. "Gusto kong ako ang magsabit
sa inyo."

I hugged her back, the bouquet pressing against her body. She was the skinniest of
us four. Mukhang ang lakas-lakas ng katawan dahil sa mga pinapasok na trabaho, pero
ang totoo ay siya ang pinakasakitin sa amin. Dahil kami ang nagkasama sa kwarto,
madalas ko siyang makitang magpahid ng kung ano-anong healing cream bago matulog.
Tuloy ay nag-aamoy efficascent oil ang silid namin.

"Thank you for being a mother to me, Kat . . ." I muttered. "Hindi ko alam ang
gagawin ko kung wala ka."

Mill was just watching us with a small smile on her lips.

"Ako ang best friend mo, ah? Wala akong yakap?" she teased when she caught me
looking at her.

Siya na ang lumapit sa amin at nang balutin niya kaming dalawa ni Kat sa yakap ay
naramdaman ko ang pag-alpas ng isang butil ng luha sa mga mata ko.

"Parang ang layo n'yo nitong huling taon, ah?" sabi ni Mill, bahagyang nabasag ang
boses. "Si Karsen, hindi na natin kasama. Hindi na rin natin masyadong nakakausap.
Ito namang si Kat, syempre, may trabaho na. Hindi na puwedeng laging abalahin."

May bahid ng pagtatampo sa tinig niya.

"Tapos ikaw naman . . ." Tinapik niya ako. "Lagi kang wala sa apartment. Kapag wala
sa trabaho, nasa school lang." She breathed heavily. "I felt like I was missing out
on your lives, guys . . . pero tangina, proud na proud ako sa ating lahat."

Muling nagbagsakan ang mga luha sa mata ko.

"Parang dati, pangarap lang nating makaalis sa Bahay Tuluyan. Pero ngayon, may mga
natapos na tayo," she added. "We were losers who finally won something."

We probably look like fools to the people who see us. Hindi pa man kasi nagsisimula
ang programa ay nag-iiyakan na kaming tatlo sa gilid ng activity center. Everything
came flooding back to me. The things that we had to go through, the tears and blood
that we had to cry, and the suffering that we had to put up with.

Ngayon, tapos na.

Ngayon, masasabi kong malayo-layo na.

"Mendoza, Amari Sloane D., Best Thesis, Dean's Award, Academic Scholar, and BS
Psychology Magna Cum Laude," the emcee announced.

It was the proudest moment I have ever had in my entire life. Para akong inihehele
sa ulap. Ito na ‘yon. ‘Yong lakas ng palakpak na gusto kong marinig. ‘Yong
pakiramdam ng pagbalot ng tela ng medalya sa leeg. ‘Yong dampi ng diploma sa
magaspang ko nang palad.

Ang galing-galing mo, Amari. Ang galing-galing mo.

"Zamora, Leon Ysmael A., Best Thesis, President's Award, Academic Excellence Award,
and BS Psychology Summa Cum Laude."

I felt a surge of pride well up within my chest as my boyfriend . . . my

supportive, loving boyfriend walked up to the front alongside Tita Leah, who was
sobbing uncontrollably.

"Graduates, let's all give a big round of applause to our Batch Valedictorian."

Ako ang naunang pumalakpak. Marahil ang may pinakamalakas din.

My eyes were moist and my vision was hazy because all I could think about was how
proud I was of him.

Kita ko ang pagpapagod niya. Kita ko ang paghihirap niya.

And to witness him receive the honor that was justly bestowed upon him . . . I
realized how blessed I am to be loved by someone so mighty and noble like him.

He gave his valedictory speech and nothing seemed to enter my head because I felt
like crying. Parang ang bilis. Parang kailan lang ay pinipilit ko pa ang sarili na
kamuhian ko siya. Parang kailan lang ay umiikot ang mata ko kakairap sa kanya dahil
lagi niyang minamali ang sinasabi ko.

"Over the course of the past four years, we experienced both triumphs and setbacks,
and we want to extend our gratitude to our friends and family members who have been
there for us at every turn, supplying us with the support and inspiration that we
needed. Thank you, nanay. Without you, I would not be standing here today," he said
as he smiled at Tita Leah.

"This was a team effort, nay, and we accomplished so much together that it feels
like we're both graduating. Thank you for being there for me as I learned to wander
and navigate my way through the world," dagdag niya pa.

He took a long, deep breath, and then his eyes shot straight to mine.
"And of course, to a very special person in my life, Amari Sloane Mendoza . . ."

Nagtilian ang mga tao.

He smiled, and contentment went all the way to his eyes.

"Meeting you is the highlight of my college," he said, earning another batch of

cheers from the crowd.

Tutok na tutok lang ang mga mata ko sa kanya. My heart was so full of happiness
that it hurt.

"I want everyone to know what a great woman you are . . . but I know that my words
will only fail me because nothing can ever do justice to you." His smile widened.
"Congratulations, Mendoza. The amount of pride I have for you exceeds the amount of
pride I have for myself."

That day was so emotional for me. Gulat na gulat sina Kat at Mill na may boyfriend
na ako. I introduced him to them, and while we were talking, I overheard Mill
making some threats to him . . . na pinakinggan niya naman.

"Siya 'yon?" palihim na tanong ni Kat sa akin.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango.

"Did he prove himself to you?"

Pinanood ko si Leon na nakikipagtawanan sa mga kabarkada niya sa iba’t ibang

program. There were a lot of students who asked him for pictures, and he would look
at me first, almost as if he wanted my approval before granting their requests.
Tumatango lang naman ako dahil punong-puno ng kaligayahan ang puso ko para sa
kanya.

"Sobra, Kat," napapaos na sagot ko. "Sobra, sobra si Leon para sa ‘kin."

She leaned on my shoulder and sighed. "Basta masaya ka . . . basta napapasaya ka

niya. 'Yon lang ang sa 'kin."

I couldn't remember well what happened after that. Ang alam ko lang ay nag-Jollibee
kami nina Mill at Kat para ipagdiwang ang graduation namin. Si Leon naman ay umuwi
sa kanila para maghanda sa maliit na pagsasalo.

I recall putting our things in boxes in the apartment because we were moving in a
few days. At last, natapos na ang mabigat na walong libo buwan-buwan. Hindi na
kailangang mag-abot si Leon ng tulong sa akin dahil katuwang ko na si Mill sa
pagbabayad.

Pumunta pa ako kina Leon nang gabing iyon kung saan ipinakilala niya ako sa buong
angkan niya. Everyone loved me. It was just a simple get-together with people I had
just met but with whom I already felt at ease.

And at exactly 12 a.m. that day, I received a message that got me crying for nights
. . . and even days.

From: Mr. Mendoza

Congratulations, Amari.

Sa gitna ng paglilipat namin ng gamit, kapag naaalala kong may ganoong mensahe ang
tatay ko sa 'kin, napapahagulgol ako. Miski tuwing magkasama kami ni Leon, basta
maalala ko lang ang dalawang salitang 'yon, maninikip na sa saya ang dibdib ko.

I haven't unlearned how to stop loving him yet. I haven't unlearned how to stop
expecting that he and my mother will one day visit me and eat a meal with me.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan ko malilimutan iyon . . . pero sana, malapit na.

Sa ngayon, habang nagtatrabaho bilang assistant Human Resource personnel sa VDMH

kasama si Leon ay nag-aaral din kami para sa board exam for psychometrician. Minsan
ay nakakalibre kami ng review session kasama sina Dr. Fujimoto at Mrs. Dela Paz.
Kapag busy naman sila ay kami lang ni Leon ang nagtuturuan sa isa't isa.

I felt like a grown-up. I felt like I had matured over the years.

It was a slow process . . . but I'm proud of myself for making some progress.

Chapter 23 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 23

Note: Mistakes We Can't Laugh About is the second installment in The Losers' Club
Series, hence there will be spoilers from the first book, In the Midst of the
Crowd, particularly in this chapter.

Trigger Warning: Sensitive language and suicidal ideations. Read at your own risk.

***

"If you pass the board exam, we will send you to the Psychological Alliance of
Italy next year. Hindi in-demand ang psychometricians sa Pilipinas, pero maganda
ang job offers sa ibang bansa. You can work there and get your Master's degree at
the same time if you want to."

I could already feel my heart pounding against the corners of my chest as I

listened to Dr. Fujimoto.

Italy . . . Europe. And PAI! The biggest psychological organization in the world!
They help write books about psychology, run their own medical office, and their
researchers came up with almost half of the medications used to treat mental
disorders!

"We see a lot of potential in you two, and we want you to take advantage of any
opportunity that comes your way. Kung hindi n'yo naman magustuhan do'n, pagbalik
n'yo, the VDMH will still welcome you with open arms," dagdag pa ng doctor. "I'm
only saying this because I worked in America, and if your goal is to make money,
the best place to do that is abroad . . . ganoon kabagsak ang ekonomiya ng
Pilipinas."

VDMH was still a catch. Ang original branch nito na clinic ay nasa Isabela pero ang
mga ospital ay nakatayo sa malalaking syudad sa Pilipinas. Dr. Vina Fujimoto and
Mrs. Elora Chin Dela Paz established this. Naging mabilis ang pag-asenso nito dahil
na rin sa dami ng mahuhusay na mental practitioners na nagtatrabaho rito.

"Kaya mag-review kayo nang mabuti, okay?" nakangiting saad ni Mrs. Dela Paz. "It
was a rare offer, and we would be glad to give it to you. One of our friends works
there as a person in charge of human resources, so the process shouldn't be too
hard."

Tumawa si Dr. Fujimoto. "Knowing Anne . . . it really shouldn't be too hard."

Hindi ko na nasundan ang pinag-usapan ng magkaibigan. My thoughts were straying.

Italy. Europe. PAI. And all I needed to do was pass the board exam!

"Tahimik mo," pansin ni Leon sa akin nang magtanghalian kami. "Iniisip mo 'yong
offer?"

I nodded as I smiled. "Ikaw, hindi mo gusto?"

"Hindi ko pa alam." Yumuko siya at nagpatuloy sa pagkain. "Hindi ko pa naiisip

ngayon ang pag-iibang bansa, Mari."

Tumikhim ako. "Next year pa naman."

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. "We'll see. Hindi ko rin naman kayang hayaan kang mag-
isa ro'n."

With the offer in mind, I did a thorough review. Napakalaking oportunidad no'n para
sa fresh graduate na kagaya ko. Kahit na tapos na ang review session namin ni Leon
ay pinagpapatuloy ko ang pag-aaral sa gabi. I didn't take on too many clients
because my salary at VDMH was quite enough to pay my bills. Kaunting tipid nga lang
din dahil minimum wage earner pa rin ako.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Sleep now.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Nag-aaral ako.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Can I call? Sabayan kita.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Okay. Love you.

He reacted "heart" to my message and said "I love you too" before calling. Halos
gabi-gabi kaming ganoon. Walang sawaan. Magkasama sa trabaho at magkatawagan
pagkauwi sa bahay. It was almost as if he were an essential piece of my being.

"Yayain mo minsan si Leon. Hindi pa 'yan kilala ni Karsen," saad ni Mill isang gabi
nang makita akong katawagan ang lalaki.

As soon as I heard the name of my friend, my heart hurt.

Our Karsen . . . Life made her grow up faster than she wanted to.

Kaya hindi rin ako makapagsabi sa kanya ng mga nangyayari sa akin, kahit pa sa
iisang apartment kami nakatira. Umalis na kasi siya sa poder ng nanay ng boyfriend
niya. I don't know exactly what happened, but I'm sure they hurt our baby. Mabuti
na ring nandito siya sa amin. Kahit na mahirap, at least, hindi naman namin siya
hahayaang masaktan.

I couldn't mention Leon to her because I felt like she had a lot on her mind, and I
didn't have the heart to tell her something good about my life. Gusto ko,
maramdaman niya lang na hindi namin siya iiwan. I don't want to take up her
remaining emotional space.

Leon can wait. My happiness can wait. She needs guidance now . . . they need
guidance now.

"Next time na lang siguro. Kapag may oras na siya," sagot ko kay Mill. "At kapag
nakapag-ibang bansa ako, sila ang priority ko."

Tumango siya. "Mas malaki na ang maiaabot mo sa kanila. Ako muna ang mag-aalaga . .
. kung matutuloy ka."

We gave each other a knowing look when we heard a baby cry. Kahit nasa loob ng
kwarto si Karsen ay rinig namin ang pagtayo niya sa upuan . . . marahil ay nasa
tapat na naman siya ng laptop at nagtatrabaho. She hummed and hushed the baby.

Hindi na ako nagpapigil. Tumayo ako at binuksan ang pinto ng kwarto niya.

There she was, holding Gayle, her child, in her arms.

Karsen looked different. Her body matured after giving birth, but her complexion
was almost pale. She had veins protruding in her arms and hands because of too much
physical activity. And her eyes . . . there were dark circles under them. Halata
ang pagod at puyat, pero nakangiti pa rin siya sa anak niya.

"Ang ganda ganda ng baby ko. Tatahan na 'yan . . ." she said softly.

I sighed as I neared her. "Magtrabaho ka. Ako na muna."

Umiling siya. "Baka naglalambing. Kanina pa ako nakatutok sa laptop, eh."

Pumasok si Mill sa kwarto. "Ano ba 'yang trabaho mo? Ako na muna ang gagawa. Puwede
ba?"

Tumawa lang si Karsen. "Ako na! Kaya ko 'yan."

Nahihiya siya sa amin . . . hindi iyon maitatanggi. Kung hindi pa kami magpumilit
ay hindi siya hihingi ng tulong. So, sometimes, while she was asleep, I would carry
Gayle outside their room. Para kapag umiyak, hindi siya magigising. Makulit pa
naman ang batang 'yon. Gusto lagi sa nanay niya.

Ganoon din ang ginagawa ni Mill. Minsan ay magugulat na lang si Karsen na

napaliguan at nabihisan na namin si Gayle. The baby can't say a word yet. She can
only cry and giggle with her tongue sticking out.

My main goal right now is to help Karsen at least raise her child. Sa pinansyal
sila kulang kaya doon ko gustong tumulong. I knew Gayle would need therapy someday,
and they would need money to pay for it.

Money . . . it has always been money. It dominates the world. It fuels people. May
pumapatay para sa pera. May nagiging gahaman para yumaman. But when they say that
money is the root of all evil, I just can't bring myself to agree with them. Money
is an inanimate object, and it is up to us to decide how to spend it.

The ultimate root of evil can be traced back to us, humans.

"Thank you, Mari," sabi ni Karsen sa akin nang makitang buhat ko si Gayle. "Hindi
ko alam ang gagawin ko kung wala kayo."

I kissed Gayle's cheek before smiling at her. Napahagikgik naman ang bata.

"Anong thank you? Ang bigat ng anak mo!" I joked. "Kung hindi ko lang 'to mahal . .
. nako!"
I worked and studied twice as hard . . . na kinasanayan ko na. Hindi ako
makapagpahinga nang maayos dahil iniisip kong may kailangan akong gawin. I
pressured myself. Minsan ay magigising ako sa kalagitnaan ng gabi at imbes na
bumalik sa tulog ay mag-aaral ako. I felt like I couldn't rest until I reached my
goal.

Nakasanayan ko na ang pagurin ang sarili. It was easier than hurting myself. Dahil
minsan, tuwing naiisip kong napakalayo ko pa sa gusto kong abutin . . . I had
thoughts of damaging and punishing my wrist. I had thoughts of wanting everything
to end.

Kasi alam kong kahit lumuha ako ng dugo, hindi pa tapos ang pagpapagod ko.

When that happens, I will only think of the many reasons why I should be here.
Leon, Kat, Mill, Karsen, Gayle, Shaira, Zoey, Meg, Ms. Lubrica . . . and me.

I already had a lot of good reasons to be alive, but life gave me another one.

"Whatever the outcome may be . . . we gave it our all, okay? 'Wag mong iisiping
hindi ka magaling," pagpapakalma sa akin ni Leon habang nakatutok kami sa laptop,
naghihintay ng announcement ng board passers.

Hindi ako makatango. I know I'll fall apart if I don't pass. Sigurado akong pasado
siya . . . pero ako? Yes, I did my best, but . . . I know myself. I answered all
the questions to the best of my ability, but I'm not confident that I'll pass.
Hindi naman kasi kami nag-review center kagaya ng karamihang examiner. Self-study
lang ang ginawa namin.

I stopped thinking for a while when Leon kissed the side of my head.

"Why do I feel like you're already criticizing yourself?" he asked, his voice deep
and gentle.

I clenched on his shirt. "Kinakabahan ako."

"Of course," aniya. "But this test shouldn't be so important for you to start
second-guessing your abilities."

"But this test is that important, Leon . . ." giit ko.

He shook his head. "Not as important as you."

I heaved a sigh, understanding his point. "Thank you . . . ikaw rin, ha?"

Marahan siyang tumawa. "Ready?"

Nang tumango ako ay lumapit siya sa laptop at may pinindot doon.

I bit my lower lip as hard as I could, all of my nerves straining against my body.
As we waited for the browser to load, he returned to my side and held my hand as if
he was soothing me.

A few more seconds passed and there it was, the result that moved me to tears.

The successful examinees who received the top ten (10) scores on the
Psychometrician Licensure Examination are as follows:

Rank 1 – Amari Sloane D. Mendoza – Central State University – 96.20

Rank 1 – Leon Ysmael A. Zamora – Central State University – 96.20

Labis na nanghina ang tuhod ko kaya naluhod ako sa sahig ng treehouse. Nang dumalo
siya sa akin ay agad akong yumakap sa kanya. I was so filled with happiness that I
couldn't stop crying.

"We made it, Leon . . . we made it!" pag-iyak ko.

"Sa list ng top 10 na ako dumiretso . . ." bulong niya sa akin. "I know your name
will be there."

I sobbed. "Our names."

Parang nagsaya ang lahat para sa amin. Our faces were on tarpaulins that were hung
up in front of our university. Even VDMH hosted a big party for us. Inulan kami ng
long messages at appreciation posts sa social media accounts namin.

From: Karsen

Congrats, ninang! Yabyu!ߒ

-Pink babies, Gayle and Karsen.

From: Mill

Expected ko na 'to kaya hindi kita i-co-congratulate. Sayang, perfect ka na sana.

Ang kaso, may attitude ka.

From: Kat

Excited na akong umuwi. I'm pretty sure you need a massage and a warm hug. Give
Leon my regards. Ang galing n'yo.

Happiness had overtaken me. It was perfect . . . just like the future I imagined
for myself.

Shaira and Meg said that they would take the board exam next year because they were
taking a break. Si Zoey naman ay kasalukuyang nag-aaral ng dentistry.

And of course, the best part of topping the boards is that Leon and I have been
getting a lot of job offers.

Maayos kami sa VDMH. Kahit makatanggap kami ng iba't ibang trabaho mula sa iba't
ibang kumpanya, hindi namin iniwan ang ospital. Mrs. Dela Paz and Dr. Fujimoto were
getting our papers ready to transfer us to PAI. Ang go-signal na lang namin ang
hinihintay nila.

Leon and I decided to have a private celebration with our families. Sasabihin niya
rin sa nanay niya ang planong pag-alis. In my case, well, my friends already knew
about my plans to work abroad.

I planned to get food from a five-star restaurant to celebrate with my friends,

lalo at pauwi si Kat. I was excited because that would be the first time we'd eat
something expensive together.

But then, we can never predict life. We can never hope to experience happiness
without also experiencing sadness afterward. Iyon ang tinuro sa akin ng buhay.
Nothing is permanent. Masaya ka ngayon? Then expect problems on the way. It was a
never-ending cycle . . . and it was a painful one.

Because no matter what we do or where we go, some remnants of our past can't just
stop following us around.

"Amari, it's been a while."

He was smiling at me as if the wound he had left deep within my heart had been
healed.

"Mr. Mendoza . . ." napapaos na sabi ko. "Ano pong kailangan n'yo?"

I was in the parking lot where the jeep dropped me off when he suddenly pulled up
his car in front of me.

He has already abandoned me. What else do I need to hear from him?

"Hop in the car," nakangiti pa ring aniya. "We have a lot to catch up on."

Umiling ako. "May pupuntahan pa ho ako . . . at wala naman akong naalalang dapat
pag-usapan natin."

He chuckled. "Nagtatampo ka pa rin dahil sa pagbabayad ng renta? Come on!"

I clenched my fist.

"Sige, ibabalik ko ang binayad mo. Okay?" he muttered, glancing at my balled hand.
"Just hop in. I'll bring you to my firm."

I exhaled deeply, wrath rising in my chest.

"Ibabalik . . ." mahinang saad ko.

Bugbog na bugbog ang katawan ko sa pagtatrabaho habang nagbabayad sa kanya . . .

tapos ibabalik niya?

"Yeah. I can give it to you right away. Magkano lang naman 'yon."

I wanted to cry so badly. The money Leon and I paid him caused us so many burnouts
and breakdowns! Nagtipid kami! Bawat piso ay mahalaga sa 'min! Hell, we didn't even
buy new clothes for our graduation! Tapos ano? Ipapamukha niya sa akin na barya
lang ang lahat ng 'yon sa kanya?!

He doesn't need our money, that's for sure. Gusto niya lang talaga akong pahirapan.

Sa naiisip ay lalong nag-alab ang galit ko.

I am almost done unlearning to love him, and I don't need any of his acceptance
anymore! Kung puwede lang, sana ay hindi na magkrus ang landas namin . . .
especially because he would always remind me of my past self, the one who was
willing to give up anything just to catch a glimpse of his smile.

And so, with so much anger welling up inside me, I chuckled.

"Well, I don't give a flying fuck about your firm," I said.

Namilog ang mga mata niya. The very same eyes that I got from him.

"You're ordering me to get in your car." Muli akong tumawa. "Bakit? Sino ka ba?"
"Amari! Dala mo ang apelyido ko! I even gave my wife's last name to you as your
middle name!" sigaw niya.

"Oo! Para hindi kayo mahuli ng nanay ko, 'di ba?" I shot back. "You didn't let me
use Medina because it reminds you of your fucking awful affair! Idinamay mo pa ang
asawa mo!"

"You're talking back to me!" His nostrils were flaring in anger. "Valeen invited
you to dinner because we have a deal for you, but based on how you've been acting,
we can't give you the offer! Ungrateful child!"

Bahagya akong natigilan.

Valeen . . . a name I know, but a face I've never seen.

Kasabay ng paninikip ng dibdib ko ay ang pagkawala ng mahinang tawa sa bibig ko.

Little Amari, did you hear that? You're supposed to have dinner with your parents.
Do you remember how much you longed for this before?

"Putanginang offer 'yan," I managed to say.

Hindi ko napigilan ang pagtulo ng luha ko.

"Unang beses mo 'kong nakita, offer! Sa lahat ng pag-uusap natin, offer! Sa chat,
offer! Sa text, offer! Tapos ngayon, tangina! Offer na naman?!" I shouted.
"Trabahador n'yo ba ako ha?!"

We were creating a scene, but I was so angry that my chest felt like it was going
to explode through my skin.

"Simula nang makilala kita, kahit isang beses . . . kahit isang beses, ni hindi mo
ako nakumusta!"

I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me crying, but I couldn't stop
my tears.

"Hindi ba kayo nahihiya sa sarili n'yo?! You and that Valeen fucked each other, and
then what?! Itinapon n'yo 'ko para walang makaalam ng mga kaputahan at kaimoralan
n'yo!"

"Amari‫ע‬#"

"Oh, bakit?! Totoo naman! You only want me now because I've achieved many things!
You only want me now because you can already use me!" I shouted at the top of my
lungs. "You only want my outcome . . . but you weren't there for me through the
process."

Puno ng matinding galit ang mga mata niya, pero wala na akong pakialam.

"You're making a big mistake talking back to me now, Amari Sloane!" he said,
gritting his teeth.

"I've been through hell, and you think I'd care about that?" I swallowed hard.
"Where in the hell did you get the nerve to come anywhere near me as if you'd been
a father to me?"

I pointed to myself.
"I did a lot without your help, and companies are lining up to employ me." Tumawa
ako. "You've got an offer for me?" I shook my head to show him how disappointed I
was. "I'm sorry, but I have to check my schedule, Mr. Mendoza."

He was about to say something else to me, but the door to his car opened, and a
woman—a familiar woman—gave me a disgusted look.

"Valeen, isarado mo 'yan! Baka may makakita sa 'yo!"

She looked familiar, and I wasn't too stupid to know who she was.

"Percy, you said that our daughter was a good girl who did what she was told," she
said angrily. "Kung alam ko lang na bastos na bata na pala ang makakaharap natin,
sana ay tinutukan ko na lang ang pag-aaral ni Psyche."

I couldn't move a muscle. Valeen. She's Valeen.

Why didn't I see our resemblance before? Skin color, hair, and lips — nakuha ko
iyon lahat sa kanya.

"You're the girl who did my daughter's makeup," komento niya, puno ng paninibugho
ang mga mata.

"Valeen, isarado mo sabi 'yan!"

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Shut up, Percy! This girl called me immoral!"

"Valeen!"

"Laking kalye naman pala 'to, eh! She can't work for our firm!" iritableng saad
niya habang pinapasadahan ako ng tingin. "I would never allow someone as dirty as
her to set foot in my office!"

I bit my lower lip. I thought I was used to pain . . . but right now, all I could
feel was the stabbing in my heart. Gusto ko na lang umalis. Gusto kong lumayo sa
kanila.

But I couldn't move my feet. I felt like I was nailed to the ground, watching my
parents argue because of me.

"I hate you, Percy! Bakit ba kasi hinanap mo pa 'yan?!" my mother . . . or Psyche's
mother yelled. "Sumasagot-sagot na sa 'yo! Imagine what she can do with that rotten
attitude of hers!"

"Calm down," pagpapakalma sa kanya ni Mr. Mendoza.

"No! We were called immoral by someone who doesn't have even an ounce of our
success!" She returned her gaze to me. "Nakapila ang kompanya sa 'yo?! Ang hangin
mo, ah? Where do you live? Or do you even have a house?! O renta-renta lang ulit?"

I clenched my jaw. Don't get distracted, Amari. They're strangers. You can cry
later. Just . . . don't give them the pleasure of seeing you beaten up.

"Isn't it your duty to give me all that?" I asked. My voice was low.

She laughed sarcastically. "Like giving birth to you is not disgusting enough for
me."
Another pang of pain went right through my chest.

"'Yon na 'yon?" I asked, chuckling.

Laugh, Amari. Laugh it off as though their words hadn't struck you in the heart.
Laugh as if they haven't beaten it into your head that your mere existence is a
mistake.

"Well, news flash! I'm disgusted that you're my mother, too! I couldn't imagine how
I lived in your tummy for nine months when I couldn't stand to look at your face
for a minute!" I managed to say.

"Amari, that's enough!" bulyaw sa akin ni Mr. Mendoza.

Hindi ko siya pinansin.

"Madumi ako? Gano'n talaga! Nagtatrabaho ako, eh! Binigay ko sa sarili ko 'yong mga
bagay na hindi n'yo nagawang ibigay sa 'kin!" My vision was once again becoming
hazy because of tears. "Kayo? Hindi ba kayo narurumihan sa mga sarili n'yo? May mga
pamilya kayo! Ang kakati n'yo!"

Isang sampal sa pisngi ang muling nagpabagsak ng luha ko.

"You are saying too much!" Mr. Mendoza's voice roared. "Kung alam ko lang na lalaki
kang gan'yan, sana ay hinayaan ko na si Valeen na ipalaglag ka!"

I tried my best to hold back the sob that was trying to escape my mouth. Mind over
matter, Amari. They don't know you. They don't know what you've been through.
They're . . . nothing.

I chuckled . . . probably my favorite mask of pain.

"Living a life of sin, huh? Ano kayang magiging reaction ng respetado n'yong
pamilya kapag nalaman nilang may Amari Sloane na nabubuhay?" I taunted.

"Don't even try—"

"Then, stop fucking bothering me!" Pinandilatan ko ang sariling ama. "Kung gusto
n'yong ituloy 'yang kagaguhan n'yo, tigilan n'yo 'ko! You want my brain for your
little firm? Bakit? Stupido ba ang mga anak n'yo at ako ang inaabala n'yo?" paos
kong sigaw. "Kung magpapakita kayo sa 'kin para lang babuyin ang pagkatao ko,
putangina, kalimutan n'yo na lang na anak n'yo 'ko!"

"Don't worry, we've been doing that for all these years, so it's pretty easy,"
singit ng nanay ni Psyche. "I can't believe I made a fool of myself. A child left
unguided will always behave badly. Why did I even think things would be different?"

Gusto ko siyang saktan. Gusto ko siyang sugurin. She was my mother! She was the one
responsible for my needs! Paano niya nagagawang sabihin 'yan? They abandoned me in
a shelter with no food or money . . . and I achieved a lot. Bakit hindi na lang
sila maging masaya para sa 'kin.

"At huwag kang umarte na parang ikaw ang pinakamagaling," dagdag niya pa. "Percy
said that your boyfriend is smarter than you. Nadadala ka lang siguro ng
accomplishments niya."

"Close the door, Valeen," utos ni Mr. Mendoza. "And don't expect to hear anything
from us ever again, Amari. You asked for this."
Hindi na ako nakasagot. I felt like the world was getting so small that it would
suffocate me.

Nang makaalis sila ay natulala lang ako. I was panting, almost out of breath. Hindi
ko alam kung gaano katagal pero sigurado akong hindi agad ako nakabawi.

Sumakay ng jeep at nagmadaling pumasok sa apartment. I was lucky enough because my

friends weren't there. Si Karsen ay nasa kwarto niya at si Mill ay paniguradong
sinusundo si Kat sa terminal.

I didn't waste any time getting to the bathroom. I felt a sob rising up from my
chest to my throat. So, when I got to the bathroom, I sat down on the floor with my
back against the door. Mabilis na tumulo ang mga luha ko kaya tinakpan ko ang bibig
para walang makarinig ng pag-iyak ko.

The first thought that came to my mind broke me even more.

I saw my mother today.

The one I wished would do my hair because everyone else was tied up. The one I
wanted to cook my meal so I could have a favorite dish. The one I dreamed about
sitting next to me and listening to all my worries.

I clenched my left hand around my loose curls, which looked so much like hers. I
pulled it off with anger, almost as if I wanted it off my head. Halos maglaglagan
ang ilang hibla nito, pero wala na akong pakialam. The weight in my chest was so
heavy that I wanted everything to disappear.

Little Amari, I'm sorry for disappointing you.

Your mother is not at all like the mothers portrayed in the books you've read, the
mothers you've seen in your classmates, or the mothers you've imagined her to be.

Still covering my mouth, I bit the side of my palm until my teeth hurt.

Hindi ako puwedeng sumigaw. Baka natutulog si Gayle. Baka nagpapahinga si Karsen.
Hindi nila ako puwedeng marinig.

Ang babaw ko. Putangina, ang babaw ko. Hindi ko na dapat iniiyakan 'to. Hindi ko na
dapat hinahayaang masaktan nila ako nang ganito.

I wish I could just tell my younger self to just fucking hate them all! Para hindi
ganito kasakit! Para kahit durugin nila ako nang paulit-ulit, hindi nila ako
maaapektuhan kasi wala akong inaasahan sa kanila!

I should have told my younger self not to read books where the main character has a
whole family! I shouldn't have let my younger self watch movies with perfect
mothers and fathers! I should have stopped my younger self from praying to all the
falling stars every night, wishing for a meal with them!

Valeen Claire Medina thought it was a mistake to have me! Well, including them in
my dreams was a mistake, too! Sana ay hindi ko na lang sila minahal dahil hindi ko
naman sila nakikita! Sana ay hindi na lang ako bumuo ng mga kwento sa utak ko na
hindi naman mangyayari! Sana ay hindi na lang ako naghangad na makilala sila!

Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng kalamnan ko. The scene was so familiar that I knew I
had to stop now before I started doing something in my body again.

So, with my remaining strength and courage, I looked up at the mirror and rose to
my feet to see my reflection.

At that very moment, I wanted to smash the mirror and stick a piece of glass in the
back of my neck. I wanted to split it into tiny fragments and force them all down
my throat until I died.

But I didn't.

Instead, just like the days I've survived and the days I thought I wouldn't . . . I
smiled.

Kahit magmukha akong tanga sa sarili kong repleksyon, ngumiti pa rin ako.

Little Amari, you're all grown up now.

Ngayon, hindi mo na kailangan ng mag-aayos ng buhok mo kasi kaya mo nang gawin

'yon. Hair stylist ka pa nga, eh! Ngayon, hindi mo na kailangan ng magluluto para
sa 'yo kasi marunong ka nang gumalaw sa kusina. Naipagluluto mo pa nga ang mga
kaibigan mo, 'di ba? Ngayon, hindi mo na kailangan ng tatabi sa 'yo kasi kahit
kailan naman, hindi mo binitawan ang sarili mong kamay.

You've come this far by holding yourself up, Amari. There was nothing they could
say that would bring you back to where you started.

Your boyfriend and friends love you, and someday . . . you'll fully love yourself
too.

"Mari, nand'yan ka?"

It was Kat's voice.

"Matagal ka pa? Iihi raw si Mill."

I forced a smile and combed my hair with my hands.

"K-Kapapasok ko lang!" I reasoned out. "Tatawagin ko na lang siya pag lalabas na

'ko!"

Pulang-pula ang mata at buong mukha ko. Kapag lumabas ako ngayon ay siguradong
malalaman nila ang pag-iyak ko.

"Okay. Sa kwarto n'yo muna ako. Matutulog lang," pagpapaalam pa ni Kat.

"Mari, pag ako nagka-UTI, sasampalin ko si Leon!" sigaw ni Mill. "Kainis! Sa

kapitbahay nga muna ako!"

I waited until they all went silent. Sumilip muna ako sa pinto at lumabas para
kunin ang gamit ko. I fixed my hair and face as if nothing had happened.

"Pulang-pula ang mata mo," sabi ni Kat habang kumakain kami.

My plan to buy food for them was canceled. Mabuti na lang at naka-order agad sila.

Tumawa ako kahit na bahagyang kinabahan sa pagbaling ng mga kaibigan sa akin.

"Tinesting ko kasi 'yong mga inorder kong contact lens. Eh, mas sanay akong
maglagay sa iba kaysa sa 'kin." I shrugged. "Mawawala rin 'yan."

Nawala ang atensyon sa akin nang umiyak si Gayle. Agad namang tumayo si Karsen para
kargahin nang maayos ang bata.

"Teka, sa kwarto lang kami. Baka mag-ingay pa. Patutulugin ko muna para dire-
diretso ang celebration natin," aniya.

We all watched her go. Alam kong iisa kaming lahat ng naiisip.

Mill cleared her throat, drawing my attention to her. "Tuloy kayo sa Italy?"

"Ako, tuloy. Si Leon, nagpapaalam pa."

"Paano kapag hindi pinayagan?" tanong ni Kat. "LDR kayo?"

Tumango ako.

"Wow, ang tapang."

Umirap ako. "I trust our love, Millicent."

"Kabahan ka na!"

But that night, I received a chat from Leon that made my worries . . . or Mill's
worries . . . fade away.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Pinayagan na ako ni nanay. She wants me to explore, and well,
she's a little worried that no one will look after you :)

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You're happy?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: My favorite girls love each other. Sinong hindi sasaya?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I tried imagining waking up without seeing you, and it's
terrifying. Alam ko namang papayag si nanay, ako lang talaga ang mag-iisip. But she
said I could help her more if I worked abroad and that I shouldn't waste the chance
to work there and be with you.

Shame on you, Valeen and Percy. For you, I'm a mistake, but for someone else, I'm a
treasure.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Let's accomplish things together, okay? We'll probably live in
the same house there. Para makatipid. Hahaha.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I won't do bad things to you. I'll keep my promise.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Tagal mong mag-reply :(

May umalpas na luha sa mata ko. I couldn't help but feel grateful that, despite my
mistakes, I still have him.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'm just happy that you're a part of my life, Leon.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: May nangyari?

I let out another tear. He knows me too well.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'll tell you about it tomorrow or next week, okay? I'm just
too tired to talk about them right now.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: And yes, we'll accomplish more things together.
 Chapter 24 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 24

I'm growing used to dedicating chapters to people whose kindness and support mean a
lot to me. And now, I want to dedicate this chapter to Sean Kurt, who was trying to
get into college with a BS Psychology program after being inspired by DOS and this
novel. Good luck on your journey, future mental health practitioner! See you sa
field!

***

Mabilis naming naproseso ang mga kailangang dokumento. Mrs. Dela Paz was kind
enough to shoulder our plane tickets. May nahanap na rin kaming apartment na
malapit sa PAI. It was pricey, but it was the cheapest apartment we had seen
online.

Dahil maganda ang transcript of records namin ni Leon ay magtatrabaho kami bilang
psychometricians doon. We'll validate psychological research tests and
questionnaires. Isa sa mga pinagpopokusan ng PAI ang research kaya may kataasan ang
salary grade namin.

"Are you scared?" tanong ni Leon habang hinihintay namin na tawagin ang flight
namin.

Umiling ako. "I'm excited."

"Me, too," he said. "My only concern is how we'll manage our time. Baka wala ka na
namang maging pahinga."

I pursed my lips. "Para namang bago sa 'tin ang pagiging working student."

He breathed. "Still . . ."

Ngumiti lang ako. Dahil Lunes hanggang Biyernes ang trabaho namin, tuwing Sabado at
Linggo lang kami makakapag-aral. We'll work while studying for a Master of Arts in
Psychology at an international school there. Kaunting units lang ang kukunin namin
dahil baka hindi namin mabalanse ang oras.

I knew it would be difficult, but I taught myself that the road to success has
always been narrow. Walang instant na pagyaman. Even those who won the lottery must
have sat tight for years before their numbers were drawn. At sa mga napagdaanan ko,
napakalaking oportunidad na nito sa akin.

I went from being a child who wanted a chocolate drink but couldn't afford it, a
child who longed for her parents, and a child who thought that makeup could conceal
her sadness, to becoming a woman who was now creating her own mark in the industry
she had chosen to work in.

Nang tawagin ang flight namin ay napabuga ako ng hangin.

I'll walk down yet another narrow road, but I'm glad I have someone to hold my hand
along the way.

"Leon, sigurado ka na ba sa 'kin?" I asked while we were snuggling in our bed on

our first night together.
Maliit lang ang apartment namin. It only has one small bedroom with a double-size
bed, a small bathroom, and a small kitchen. Ang pabilog na mesa ay parang isang tao
lang din ang puwedeng makakain.

"Oo naman," sagot niya. "Years . . . and you're still the one I can see my future
with."

I breathed deeply as I pressed my cheeks on his chest, erasing the picture of our
apartment in my head for a while.

"Pero hindi ako madaling mahalin, 'di ba?" bulong ko. "You've known me for years.
Nakita mo kung paano ako magalit . . . kung paano ako pangunahan ng emosyon ko.
You've seen all the best and worst parts of me. Baka may mga araw na masigawan kita
at hindi agad ako makakahingi ng sorry kasi hindi ko agad makikita na mali pala
ako."

I gulped as I clenched on his shirt. The words of my parents haunt me even if I am

miles away from them.

"I'll need a lot of patience and understanding, Leon," I added. "Baka maubos kita.
Baka makampante akong nand'yan ka lang lagi para sa 'kin. Baka dumating ang araw na
mapagod ka."

Just thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

"Sinusubukan ko, Leon. I'm trying very . . . very hard." Humigpit ang yakap niya sa
akin nang mabasag ang boses ko. "I wake up every day telling myself that I should
be better because you don't deserve a broken me."

Tumingin ako sa kanya at agad na nanikip ang dibdib ko nang makita ang pagmamahal
sa mga mata niya.

"'Wag mo muna akong iiwan, ha?" I begged. "This is such a selfish request, but
please . . . please wait for my healed version."

Buong pag-iingat niyang hinawakan ang likod ng ulo ko at itinulak iyon pabalik sa
dibdib niya. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me securely, as if he was
holding a child.

"I'm sorry they hurt you so much . . ." he whispered. "And no, you don't have to
beg me to stay with you, because that was my plan from the start."

I bit my lower lip to keep my emotions within me.

"I guess you still don't know how much I love you." I felt him kissing the top of
my head. "Durog o buo . . . mahal na mahal kita, Amari."

I was speechless. He said those with so much sincerity in his voice.

"I'm happy enough that I could hold you like this when all I pray is for you to
look at me," he said. "Ang pag-intindi sa 'yo, ang pagtityaga sa 'yo . . . handa
ako sa lahat ng 'yon. Gano'n din naman ang ginagawa mo sa 'kin, 'di ba?"

"I don't compromise as much as you did . . ." I replied.

"Our love is not a contest. Hindi tayo dapat magparamihan ng isasakripisyo."

"Kahit na."
Naramdaman ko ang pag-iling niya. "We don't keep track of our sacrifices, Amari . .
. we keep track of our memories."

At that moment, I realized that I've never been this loved and assured all my life.
Alam kong kapag may nakakilala sa amin ni Leon, masasabi nitong swerte ako sa
lalaki.

That same night, I told him that I had an encounter with my parents. Tahimik lang
siya habang ibinubulong ko ang masasakit na salitang narinig sa mga taong itinago
ko sa puso ko. I told him that Psyche was my half-sister, and although I knew he
was surprised, he didn't ask too many questions. He just told me that it doesn't
matter who my parents are because I've grown up to be an amazing woman all by
myself.

"Isinilang ka lang nila, pero ang totoo mong magulang ay ang sarili mo," aniya pa.
"You did a great job of letting out your pain. You're getting better at
communicating. Kahit parang gasgas na dahil paulit-ulit ko nang sinasabi . . . I'm
proud of you, Amari."

What we had was so good.

It was a healthy relationship . . . probably one for the books.

We have never wavered in our belief that, as long as we were together, nothing bad
could ever happen. We walked through storms and wars, but we never abandoned each
other.

And when I had a lot on my mind, he would just kiss the top of my head, as if
putting an end to my self-destructive thoughts and internal monologues.

Pero minsan, may ibang paraan talaga ang mundo para sirain kayo.

"I didn't think a topnotcher would write a paper like this!" malakas na sigaw sa
akin ng professor namin sa Advanced Psychometrics bago pinilas sa harap ko ang
papel. "The university gave you a 50 percent scholarship because we thought you
would do better!"

Yumuko lang ako. Hindi ko mabilang kung ilang beses akong napagalitan ng mga
professor dito. I wouldn't dare lie. Hindi ko inaasahang mahihirapan ako sa pag-
intindi ng mga itinuturo nila. Minsan, kahit anong basa ko ay hindi pumapasok ang
lessons sa utak ko. It's just too hard. Almost beyond my capacity.

"Sir, Ms. Mendoza was tryin—"

Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Leon para pigilan siyang sumagot para sa akin. Ayokong
madamay siya.

"We don't need someone who was just trying, Mr. Zamora. We want to mold someone who
can thrive. But her paper . . . god! Even a high school graduate could write it!"

Kinagat ko ang labi. "I'm sorry, sir. I'll do better."

"You really should! So far, only Mr. Zamora has lived up to all the expectations we
set for you both. Don't make us regret ever accepting you!"

"Sir—"

"Leon, please . . ." bulong ko.

Narinig ko lang ang pagbuntong-hininga niya.

Ilang beses pa akong pinagsabihan ng professor namin at tinanggap ko lahat ng

salita niya. Here, gentle teaching is not a thing. If you can't make it, your only
option is to leave. Para sa kanila, hindi na kami mga bata para pagsabihan sa
mahinahong paraan.

"Rewrite this paper and submit it to me tomorrow!"

That was the last thing he told me before he dismissed the class. Hiyang-hiya ako
sa mga kaklase namin. Parang kalahati kasi ng oras ay napunta sa panenermon sa
akin.

"Saang part ka nahihirapan?" tanong ni Leon nang makauwi kami. "Tutulungan na

kita."

Umiling ako. "May tatapusin kang trabaho, 'di ba? Unahin mo 'yon."

Napatingin siya sa orasan. He still has to finish validating some papers from our
work and send them to the company before 5 p.m.

Napansin ko ang pagkabigo sa mga mata niya nang makitang ilang oras na lang ang
meron siya para gawin ang trabaho.

"Sige na. Kaya kong tapusin 'to." I smiled to assure him. "May notes ka naman, 'di
ba? Pahiram na lang, ha?"

He sighed as he took his bag off the floor and went to get his notebook. Nang iabot
niya iyon sa akin ay pumasok lang ako sa kwarto namin at napaupo ako sa kama dahil
sa naramdamang dismaya sa sarili.

But I have no time to ponder about it and cry.

Marami pa akong kailangang gawin na mas importante kaysa sa nararamdaman ko.

"Are you sure questions 2 and 6 are related to what we want to study?" my
supervisor asked first thing in the morning when I got to work.

It took me by surprise. She was enraged, as if I had done something terrible.

"Ms. Mendoza, why did you validate questions that were irrelevant?!" sigaw pa niya.

I looked around us and saw that everyone was lowering their heads, probably afraid
of the anger directed at me.

Napatayo ako nang tuwid nang ihagis ng bisor ang maraming papel sa dibdib ko.

"Repeat this if you don't want to be fired! And no! You can't let Mr. Zamora do the
job for you again!"

Umiling ako, nanginginig ang tuhod at kalamnan. "I-I don't let anyone do my work
for me—"

She scoffed, cutting me off. "Your colleagues told me that they saw Mr. Zamora look
over your papers before you gave them to my office!"

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. Hindi ko alam 'yon. Hindi ko sinabi kay Leon
'yon.
"Ms. Mendoza, why don't you just do your job like Mr. Zamora?"

It struck me in a million pieces.

It is happening again. I am being compared to him again. The insecurities I thought

I had left in the past were following me around like a shadow again.

Tumunog ang glass door ng conference room at iniluwa noon sina Leon at ang mga boss
namin. They were laughing, probably because Leon did an outstanding presentation.

Nang makita ang estado namin ng bisor ko ay napatigil sila. Leon's face was
suddenly full of worry.

Umiling lang ako sa kanya.

"What's going on there?" tanong ng isa.

Leon came up to me and picked up the papers at my feet. Pinagpagan niya pa ang
sapatos ko na parang may madumi roon.

It made me so mad that I pushed my shoes away from him so he couldn't touch them.

I felt pathetic. It's not his fault . . . but I felt fucking small.

"Ms. Mendoza, you again?" natatawa pang sabi ng isa. "You're stressing your
supervisor too much. Do better or you'll have to be suspended."

I clenched my fist. "I-I'll do better, ma'am and sir. I'm so sorry for all the
inconveniences."

Tumaas ang kilay ng lalaki. "You and Mr. Zamora went to the same college, right?"

Tumayo si Leon, ang mga mata ay tutok na tutok sa akin.

I nodded. Disappointment was seeping into my soul. Hindi ko maintindihan. Bakit . .

. bakit laging kay Leon? Why does everybody compare me to him? I'm done putting
myself up against him! I'm done questioning my skills! Pero . . . bakit? Bakit
kailangan kong masaktan dahil lang mas magaling siya sa akin?

"Then learn from him. He just gave an excellent presentation while you were here,
causing your supervisor a lot of trouble."

I'm trying hard not to be mad at everyone. I'm just an employee. Sila ang
nagpapasweldo sa akin. Sila ang dahilan kung bakit ako nandito. I can't be mad. I
had to gulp down their sharp words, not minding if they could wound my heart and
ego.

"Yes, sir. I'll . . . learn from him." My voice broke slightly. "Again, I'm sorry
for the inconvenience."

They left without saying anything more to me. Natira lang si Leon sa tapat ko at
dahil punong-puno ng sama ng loob ang dibdib ko ay nilagpasan ko lang siya.

Amari, calm down. You can't hold a grudge against Leon again just because he's
better than you.

"Mari . . ."

Sinundan ako ni Leon sa cubicle ko.

"Leave," I said. "I don't feel like talking to anyone right now."

I looked at him and saw that he was very nervous.

"Pero sabay pa rin tayong maglu-lunch, 'di ba?"

He sounded hopeful, causing my heart to tighten.

I went back to looking at the papers on my table and forced myself not to be mad at
him because he couldn't control this.

But it was too hard. Pakiramdam ko ay walang-wala ako kapag siya ang kasama ko. I'm
always in the background, watching him and waiting for people to notice my skills,
too.

Gusto kong umiyak. Tapos na ako rito. Matagal ko nang inilagay ito sa likuran ko. I
became genuinely proud and happy for his successes . . . but why do I feel like I'm
coming back?

"Leon, please . . . mamaya na tayo mag-usap. I'm collecting my thoughts."

Naramdaman ko ang malamig niyang kamay sa braso ko. He leaned forward and kissed
the top of my head gently.

"Tawagin mo lang ako kapag may gusto kang sabihin, ha? Nasa cubicle ko lang ako."

He stayed for a while before leaving, maybe hoping to hear something from me, but
to no avail.

Ayoko nito. Ayokong bumalik sa pagkukumpara ng sarili ko sa kanya. I had long

accepted that he was better than me in every way, and there's nothing wrong with
that. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nagngingitngit na naman ako sa inis.

What if Psyche's mom was right? What if I just accomplished all these things
because of Leon?

Totoo naman . . . nasaan ba ako kung wala siya? I wouldn't probably have the chance
to step into this country. Siya ang kasama kong nag-review para sa board exam
namin. He had taught me a lot of things. Baka nga nadadamay lang ako sa galing niya
. . . nadadala.

All those thoughts restrained my heart.

For the next few weeks, I did my best not to think about it. Ayokong madamay na
naman si Leon sa gulo ng utak ko. He doesn't deserve it.

"Hello, nay? Kumusta kayo?" I heard him talking to Tita Leah on a video call, gaya
ng nakasanayan.

Nakapikit na ako noon at nakatalikod sa kanya kaya marahil ay iniisip niyang tulog
na ako.

"Okay lang kami, anak! Salamat sa padala mo! Tuwang-tuwa ang kambal!" pasigaw na
sagot ni Tita.

Tumawa ang lalaki. "'Wag kang masyadong maingay, nay. Tulog na si Mari."

"Ay naku, pasensya. Kumusta siya d'yan? Inaalagaan mo ba nang mabuti?" tanong nito.
"Naku, Leon, ha! Huwag mong dadagdagan ang stress n'yan. Intindihin mo hangga't
kaya mo. Alam mo naman ang pinagdaanan ng batang 'yan."

I felt my heart clench at Tita Leah's words.

"I'll take good care of her, nay. Kaya nga ako nandito, 'di ba?" he whispered. "I
don't want her to feel like she's alone."

Umubo si Tita.

"Mabuti naman," sabi niya nang makabawi. "Gustong-gusto ko 'yang batang 'yan para
sa 'yo."

"Ba't may ubo ka pa rin? Iniinom mo ba ang gamot mo? Pabalik-balik 'yan, ah?" ani
Leon, hindi na pinansin ang sinabi ng ina.

"Magpapacheck-up na ho ako, sir!" tawa ng ginang. "May pinadalang pera ang anak ko,
eh. Bibili ako ng mga gamot."

"Siguraduhin mo, nay, ha? Wala ako d'yan. Sabihan mo rin ang kambal na 'wag
masyadong pasaway."

"Ay naku! Parang sasabog ang ulo ko sa mga kapatid mo! Minsan ay madaling araw nang
umuuwi!"

"Hayaan mo, pagagalitan ko rin. Unahin mo muna ang check-up mo."

They talked more, and when it ended, I felt Leon hugging me from behind. He put his
chin on the top of my head as he held me firmly in his arms, pulling me closer to
him.

"I love you," he whispered. "Sana paggising mo, okay na ulit tayo."

That made me tear up. Hindi ko alam na pansin niya 'yon. We were treating each
other normally. Hindi ako nagpapakita ng galit o tampo sa kanya . . . dahil wala
naman dapat akong ikagalit. It was not his fault that he shone so brightly that
everyone else around him seemed to fade.

Para ipakita sa kanyang ayos lang ang lahat ay maaga akong gumising para ipaghanda
siya ng umagahan. We ate together like we always had, and even though I had a
million awful thoughts, I knew he was the only one I could see myself waking up
with.

Like him, I also sent money to my family . . . to Karsen and Gayle. Akala ko noong
una ay malaki ang maipapadala ko dahil nasa ibang bansa ako at mas mataas ang
sweldo rito. But then, the money I gave her wouldn't even be enough to feed both of
them for a month.

Napakamahal kasi ng mga bilihin dito. Kahit anong pagtitipid ang gawin ko ay sapat
lang ang sweldo ko pambayad ng gastusin ko sa graduate school, renta, at pagkain.
May 50 percent scholarship kami ni Leon sa school at sinagot naman nina Dr.
Fujimoto at Mrs. Dela Paz ang natirang kalahati kaya wala kaming tuition fee.

But still, we have a lot of expenses. Hindi naman tuition lang ang bayarin namin sa
school . . . at hindi ganoon kakapal ang mukha ko para humingi pa sa mga dating
employer gayong napakalaking tulong na ang naibigay nila sa amin.

"I would like to commend Mr. Zamora's case analysis," nakangiting sabi ng prof
namin. "You're indeed a topnotcher. Continue the good work."
"Thank you, sir," sagot naman ni Leon.

I was about to smile at him when our prof cleared his throat.

"However, the manuscript of the following people needs to be done again," he said,
his eyes drawn to me. "Lee, Murphy, Walsh, Mendoza, Byrne . . ."

It was too exhausting. Months into Italy, and I was this tired already. Parang
walang may gustong naroon ako. Parang lahat ng puntahan ko ay nagugulo ko lang. The
whole situation got me questioning myself again. Paulit-ulit . . . nakakarindi.

Because of this, I've been waking up every day feeling nervous. Sa trabaho at sa
graduate school. I would get out of bed every morning, fearing the risk that I
would be scolded and ridiculed again in front of everyone.

Nakakatakot kasi wala akong magagawa kung hindi tiisin ang sinasabi nila. I'm
underqualified . . . and I only realize it now. They want Leon, but not me. Hindi
ko alam kung saan ako nagkukulang. I've been studying and working really hard, but
nothing I do is enough.

"Mr. Zamora, are you still living with Ms. Mendoza?"

Napatigil ako sa pagpasok sa loob ng conference room nang marinig iyon. It was one
of our bosses.

"Yes, sir," Leon answered.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kinabahan ako. I'm holding a stack of papers because
that's where our bosses will have a meeting, and I'm going to hand out the agenda.

"I met with the board, and they want to move you to a different department. You're
far too qualified to just validate tests. We want you to assist our researchers in
collecting data and writing articles."

My lips parted. That was a good offer!

"If you accept this, you'll have to live in the penthouse we built for our
researchers and get a small raise in pay, but only for a while. You'll be observed
for six months, and if you do well, we'll double your pay."

Natahimik si Leon, marahil ay nag-iisip ng isasagot. He should accept that! It's a

good opportunity for him! He was the smartest in our department, and it was only
fair that he would be promoted right away.

"How about Ms. Mendoza, sir?"

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa papel nang marinig ang tanong niya.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Zamora, but Ms. Mendoza still has a lot of things to work on," our
boss said, crushing my already bruised ego. "This is a one-time offer, so if you
don't take it, we won't give it to you again, especially because a lot of
researchers are lining up to work for PAI."

I want him to accept the offer. I want him to hone his skills. Kaya kong tumira sa
apartment nang mag-isa. Kakausapin ko na lang si Karsen na uunti ang padala ko
dahil ako na lang ang magbabayad ng renta.

"If that's the case, then I'll have to stay here, sir."
I gasped.

"I can't just leave my girlfriend in our apartment by herself. I'll just teach and
train her for a while because I want us to progress and move forward together."

Hindi ko alam ang dapat maramdaman. Gusto kong maging masaya kasi iniisip niya ako
pero lamang sa puso ko ang panghihinayang. He couldn't fly because his love for me
had clipped his wings. May pamilya siyang kailangang tulungan. Hindi dapat sa akin
umiikot ang mundo niya.

"You're throwing away a chance, Mr. Zamora, but it's up to you. You're not on the
same level as your girlfriend, but you don't see that yet."

"No offense, sir, but please stop comparing Amari to me."

Our boss chuckled. "That's why you shouldn't bring a lover to work, but okay."

When their conversation ended, I felt like I was the one who was drained. Marahan
akong kumatok para kunin ang atensyon nila at nang makita ako ni Leon ay agad
siyang dumalo sa akin para tulungan akong magbuhat ng mga papel.

Our boss had a disappointed look on his face . . . and it stayed in my head the
whole day.

Kaya nang makauwi kami ni Leon ay hindi na ako nagdalawang isip na komprontahin
siya tungkol doon.

"Narinig ko ang offer sa 'yo," panimula ko.

Inilapag niya muna ang gamit niya sa upuan bago tumingin sa akin.

"Hmm?"

I cleared my throat. "'Yong offer sa 'yo . . . 'yong ililipat ka ng department."

"Ah . . . that." Tumango siya. "Ayoko muna. I'm still adjusting, so I can't take
too much work right now. Marami tayong kailangang tapusin sa school, eh."

He was lying. The only reason he couldn't accept the offer was me. At alam iyon ng
boss namin . . . kaya hindi na ako magugulat kung iniisip niyang pinipigilan ko ang
lalaki. Leon was too good at handling two things at once. Sisiw sa kanya ang
pagsasabay ng trabaho at pag-aaral. He was excelling at both.

"Tanggapin mo na. Sayang naman," sabi ko. "Kailangan ni Tita, 'di ba? Sabi mo ay
lumalala ang ubo niya. She needs to have a more thorough check-up."

"Naka-schedule na ang general check-up ni nanay . . . don't worry about that."

"Pero kailangan mo rin ng pera, Leon," giit ko. "Luma na ang mga damit at sapatos
mo . . . at hindi ka makabili. You have to prioritize earning and saving up.
Magandang opportunity 'yon sa 'yo."

His face hardened. "We're not having this conversation, Amari."

"But you're wasting it! Akala ko ba nandito tayo kasi mag-e-explore ka?"

Umiling siya. "I won't leave you alone in this apartment, Amari. If that's what you
want to happen."
Frustration filled my heart. This is what I feared so much! Na nagiging hadlang ako
sa pag-abot niya sa lahat!

"Hindi ako mamamatay rito, Leon! Stop treating me like a child who needs immediate
care!" I yelled. "Stop trying to defend me from everyone because it makes me feel
pathetic about myself!"

Huminga siya nang malalim. "Ano'ng gusto mong gawin ko? Tumayo lang at panoorin ka
habang pinapagalitan ka nila?"

"Yes! Because I don't always need help, Leon!" I answered. "Magaling ka na, eh!
Hayaan mo na lang ako! Kailangan bang lagi kitang pagsabihan at ilingan para hindi
ka makisabat kapag may nagagalit sa 'kin?"

His lips parted when he realized I was frustrated.

"I can't stomach watching you being scolded, Mari . . . I'll never get used to it."

"Nakakainis ka naman, eh!" sigaw ko. "You always make me feel small and weak! You
always make me feel like I need your help! Hihingi ako ng tulong kung gusto ko!
Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan 'yon?! Tapos ngayon, ano'ng rason mo kung bakit
hindi mo tinanggap 'yong offer?! Ako?! Kasi hindi mo ako maiwan?! Langya naman,
Leon!"

Tumitig siya sa akin bago dahan-dahang umiling.

I looked away when pain passed across his eyes.

"I'm not a jail, Leon, and you're not my prisoner." I swallowed the lump in my
throat. "Kung makukulong ka lang sa pagmamahal mo sa 'kin . . . kung matatakot kang
lumayo dahil lang iniisip mo 'ko . . . tigilan na lang natin 'to."

"Don't you dare say that, Amari!" His voice thundered.

I held back my tears. My heart was pounding in so much pain that I could feel a
lump building in my throat.

"I'm trying to stay sane even if I feel like you don't want me anymore! I'm trying
to be as patient as possible until you smile at me again when I accomplish
something!"

Hindi ako makasagot. Rinig ko ang mabibigat na paghinga niya.

"Akala mo ba gusto kong ikinukumpara tayo?" he asked. "You don't know how scared I
am when people praise me and you're around. Natatakot ako kasi baka maging rason
'yon para makipaghiwalay ka sa 'kin."

"You know I'm not that shallow, Leon!" I said. "Yes, I'm jealous! But not because
you keep achieving things, but because I felt like your fucking shadow!"

"Ano'ng gagawin ko, Amari?" He sounded hopeless. "How much more can I assure you?
What else do you want me to do? Gusto mo bang hindi na ako mag-aral? Magtrabaho?
Kasi matatanga na ako kakaisip kung bakit parang ang layo-layo mo sa 'kin!"

"Hindi ako lumalayo sa 'yo, Leon!"

He shook his head. "Ewan ko na, Mari. Nahihirapan na akong kapain ka."
Tears welled up in my eyes. "I'm trying to put it behind me! Hindi mo ba nakikita?"

"Then why do you want to break up with me? Why does my love have to make you feel
insecure?" Nabasag ang boses niya. "Ang hirap naman nito, eh. Kaya kong ipagtanggol
ka sa lahat . . . pero ang sakit naman na pati pala ako kalaban mo."

"Hindi nga, Leon . . ." Nanikip ang dibdib ko. "I just want you to achieve things
without thinking of me."

"Ngayon ngang ang lapit natin, parang hindi na kita maabot, eh." He gulped as he
looked away. "Bahala na. Sa susunod na tayo mag-usap. Gusto ko nang magpahinga."

Chapter 25 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 25

Magkatalikod kaming natulog nang gabing iyon.

I had to cover my mouth as I cried because I was scared I would wake him up. Iyon
ang unang beses na hinayaan niyang matapos ang araw na may tampuhan kami . . . at
iyon rin ang unang beses na nasabi niyang nahihirapan siyang kapain ako.

Those were just simple words, but they pierced right through my heart.

Pakiramdam ko ay dumadating na ang puntong napapagod ko siya. I had too much going
on in my head, and my feelings were all over the place. Ang tapang kong magyaya ng
hiwalayan gayong alam kong hindi ko naman kakayanin kapag wala siya.

I really should stop talking when my emotions are bursting at the seams. Wala akong
magandang nasasabi. If I want Leon to be patient with me, I shouldn't give him any
more reasons to leave.

Maaayos namin 'to. Sigurado ako. We've lived through a lot of hurricanes already.
With our love, there's nothing we couldn't conquer.

"What?!"

Ang malakas na sigaw ni Leon ang nakapagpagising sa akin. Pupungas-pungas akong

sumandal sa headboard ng kama at tiningnan siya.

Alas kwatro pa lang ng madaling araw iyon. He had his back turned to me and was
sitting on the edge of the bed while holding his cellphone up to his ears.

"Nay naman! Ano'ng gagawin ko?" he asked, frustration dripping from his voice.
"Kaka-18 lang nila. Puwede na talaga silang makulong!"

Nawala ang antok ko sa narinig.

"Anak, hindi ko nga alam na ganoon ang mga kapatid mo," naiiyak na sagot ni Tita.

Leon brushed his hair angrily, and although I wanted to ask what was going on . . .
I felt like I wouldn't be much of a help. Isa pa ay kausap niya si Tita. I don't
want to interrupt them.

He took a deep breath. "Nasaan sila? Kakausapin ko."

Hikbi lang ang naisagot ni Tita.

"Nay . . . nasaan sila?" mas madiing tanong niya.

"G-Gusto ko silang itakas, Leon!" tumatangis pa ring sabi ni Tita.

Umiling ang lalaki. "Kapag napatunayang nagdo-droga nga sila, kailangan nilang
managot sa batas, nay."

I gasped, drawing Leon's attention to me.

"Kapatid mo sila! Paano mo nasasabi 'yan?!" sigaw ni Tita. "Eighteen lang sila,
Leon! Hindi mo ba naiisip kung ano ang mangyayari kapag nakulong sila?! Mawawalan
sila ng kinabukasan!"

Huminga siya nang malalim bago tumayo at lumabas ng kwarto. I was left alone there,
surprised by what had happened.

Nash and Nathaniel were involved in drugs, and it was possible that they would go
to jail.

Dati pa man ay sakit na ng ulo ni Tita Leah ang kambal . . . pero hindi naabot ng
isip kong ma-i-involve sila sa droga. Ngayong hindi na sila mga menor de edad ay
malaki ang tyansang makulong sila, lalo kung may witnesses.

Hindi na ako nakatulog. I was worried. I waited for Leon to come back so I could
ask him what happened, but he never did. Nang mag-alas sais ay saka ako bumangon at
naaabutan ko siyang nakasubsob sa mesa, mahigpit ang hawak sa cellphone.

My heart clenched at the sight. He looked . . . helpless.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at humigit ng upuan. Ang pag-ingit noon ang nakapagpaangat ng
ulo niya.

His eyes were almost bloodshot, probably because he was crying. There were tears in
his cheeks and his lips were quivering.

Hindi ako sanay na makita siyang ganoon. I could feel my heart sinking into my
stomach because I knew how much he loved his family.

"M-Mari . . ."

Wala na siyang ibang kailangan pang sabihin. I opened my arms wide and moved closer
to him so that I could give him a hug. Mabilis niyang isinubsob ang mukha sa leeg
ko at parang bata na tumangis doon.

His cries felt like a chain that was tightening around my throat. Ito ang unang
beses na nakita kong umiyak siya. I've seen him in pain, but I've never seen him
shed a tear.

Leon has always been a family-oriented man. Si Tita Leah at ang mga kapatid niya
ang dahilan kung bakit siya nagsusumikap. His family was his driving force. Dala na
rin ng kahirapan ay nagsipag siya sa layuning matulungan sila.

"Gusto mo bang mag-day off tayo?" mahinang tanong ko habang tinatapik ang likod
niya. "Pag-usapan natin tapos mag-isip tayo ng puwedeng solusyon. Gusto mo?"

I was never good with words. I'm not a sweet talker. But at that moment, I meant
it. I wanted him to stop crying. I wanted him to be the Leon that I knew — fearless
and always logical.
Naramdaman ko ang pagtango niya kaya hinigpitan ko ang yakap sa kanya.

Wala kaming ibang masasandalan kung hindi ang isa't isa. We were in a foreign
country without our friends or family. He was the only person I could talk to about
my pain, and I was the only person he could talk to about his.

That day, I made us instant noodles because it was the only thing we had in our
apartment, and I didn't want to go get groceries because I didn't want to leave
him. Nag-email din ako sa trabaho namin na hindi kami makakapasok.

"Gusto mong pag-usapan?" tanong ko sa kanya.

He didn't eat. Lumamig lang ang noodles dahil wala siyang gana.

"Hinahanap na ng mga pulis ang kambal," hinang-hinang aniya. "May mga nakapagturo
sa kanila . . ." His voice trembled as he looked at me. "Mari, ano'ng gagawin ko?
Ang bata-bata pa nila . . ."

I didn't know what to say. All I could offer him was my ears.

Hindi ko maintindihan. Here we are, clinging to life by the skin of our teeth, and
the money that he sent them was only used to buy illegal drugs? Hindi ba nila
naisip na matinding pagpupuyat at pagpapagod ang ginagawa ng kuya nila para lang
makapagpadala sa kanila?

"Nakausap mo na ba?" I asked instead.

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. "Umamin sila sa 'kin."

We fell silent again. What should I tell him? Comforting words or the painful
truth? I don't know.

Hindi ako umalis sa tabi niya. He spent that day reading about the law and other
related cases. Nakatulog na ako at lahat, nandoon pa rin siya sa gilid, nagbabasa.
Magkasalubong ang kilay at malalim ang kunot sa noo.

However, in the days that followed, he burst into tears again because his siblings
were sent to prison.

It was the most painful thing to see. Wala akong magawa kung hindi ang yakapin siya
at sabihing nandoon ako para makinig sa kanya.

I felt useless. Noong mga panahong ako ang may dinadala ay binuhat niya ang
kalahati ng pasanin ko . . . pero ako ay walang maitulong sa kanya. He spent days
and weeks talking to his mother and lawyer, but nothing seemed to work out.

Hindi na namin napag-usapan ang napagtalunan dahil naging abala siya sa kaso ng mga
kapatid. There were times when I woke up in the middle of the night only to find
him smoking in our small kitchen. Titingin lang siya sa akin pero hindi naman siya
titigil.

"Mr. Zamora, this is not the way a case analysis should be done! Are you sure
you've read this thoroughly?!" our professor shouted.

"Sir, I think mine is worse," I said as I stood up.

"I'm not asking you, Ms. Mendoza!"

He looked at Leon, who seemed out of it as he was just staring at the blank white
board.

"Mr. Zamora, are you even paying attention?!"

I wanted to cry. Leon . . . was out of focus. Para siyang walang buhay. Kung hindi
ko lang siya naririnig na kausap si Tita Leah ay hindi ko na maririnig ang boses
niya.

He doesn't feel like Leon, but I know I have to understand because he is going
through hard times.

Para akong may inaalagaang bata. I prepared meals for him. I reminded him that we
needed to work or study. I did his assignments because he sometimes forgot to do
them. I even did his work in secret because he was so disconnected from reality.

Parang nandito siya . . . pero hindi ko siya kasama.

Hindi niya ako kinakausap. Alam kong hindi niya iyon sinasadya, pero tuwing
tinatanong ko siya ay isang tango o iling lang ang isinasagot niya sa akin. Ako rin
muna ang nagbayad ng renta namin dahil buo niyang ipinapadala ang sweldo niya sa
pamilya.

It was hard. I was barely surviving, too. Pero wala akong dahilan para magreklamo.
Leon did this for me when we were in college. Hindi ko siya para pagdamutan.

"I'm glad you turned down the offer because you don't deserve it!" our supervisor
yelled at him. "These were due last week, and you were there on your phone?"

It was the lowest point of his life. Siguro ay gusto niyang makasama ang pamilya
pero ni wala kaming pambili ng ticket pauwi sa Pilipinas.

In just a snap, my Leon felt different. Lagi siyang tulala, parang walang pake sa
lahat. Sa trabaho, sa pag-aaral, sa sarili . . . at sa akin. Para akong hangin na
dinadaan-daanan niya lang.

"Happy monthsary," I greeted him first thing in the morning. "I love you. Ano'ng
gusto mong iluto ko?"

He stood up, and my arms that were around his body fell to the bed.

"Ikaw ang bahala. Pupunta ako sa bangko ngayon."

Mapait akong napangiti.

"No . . . baby time?" tanong ko.

Napabuga siya ng hangin. "I hope you understand, Mari. My brothers are in jail, and
my mom hasn't been taking her medicine because she's so stressed out. No one is
looking out for them."

I felt a pang in my chest. I should understand. May pinagdadaanan siya . . . at

hindi dapat ako nanggugulo. The last thing I want him to think is that I've made
him even more tired.

Pero sa loob ng dalawampu't apat na oras sa isang araw, gaano ba kahirap bigyan ako
ng kahit isang minuto lang?

Gaano ba kahirap batiin ako? Sabihing mahal niya rin ako?

Tinutulungan ko naman siya. Ginagawa ko naman ang lahat para gumaan ang mga
responsibilidad niya. Bakit naman parang hindi niya na ako nakikita?

It went on for weeks. Siguro nga ay makasarili ako dahil noong mga panahong 'yon,
ang nakikita ko lang ay ang paghihirap ko.

Leon and I became so detached from each other that I couldn't remember the last
time we slept hugging each other. Parang magkasama lang kami sa iisang bubong dahil
kailangan. He felt so distant . . . parang hindi niya na ako mahal.

"Mari, ang payat mo na!" nanlalaki ang mga matang sabi ni Mill nang makita ako sa
video chat.

I miss home . . . I miss them. Naging madalang ang pagpapadala ko kay Karsen dahil
ubos na ubos din ako rito. All we ate here were frozen food and instant noodles.

"Nasaan si Leon? Aba! Parang hindi ka pinapakain d'yan, ah?!" dagdag pa ni Mill.

Wala sina Karsen at Kat sa tawag na 'yon. Karsen said that she was putting Gayle to
sleep while Kat was busy with something.

I tried my best to smile. I'm living my dream . . . right? Amari in a European

country working for a well-known company.

"Nagpapahinga sa kwarto," sagot ko sa kaibigan.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Maputla ka ba o filter 'yan? Sure ka bang wala kang sakit?"

I pouted. "Baka namumuti. Remember . . . nasa Italy ako."

"Ayoko. Ang pangit mo. Mukha kang pagod." Umiling siya. "Magpahinga-pahinga ka
d'yan, Amari Sloane. Gisingin mo si Leon at kakausapin ko."

I took a deep breath. I don't want to talk about him.

"Eh, ikaw? Bakit maga ang mata mo?" pag-iiba ko ng topic.

Mukha siyang nagulat sa tanong ko. Napahawak siya sa mata at marahas na kinusot
iyon.

"Halata?!" bulaslas niya.

I laughed. "Interesting."

"Gago, wala akong iniyakan! Kadiri!" sigaw niya. "Tagal-tagal na no'n, eh!"

I leaned back in my chair and stared at her. I'm pretty sure she was hiding
something. She was talking too quickly and saying things she shouldn't have. In
psychology, the Freudian slip.

Kinakabahang tumawa siya. "Saka, jusko! Puyat lang ako, 'no! Pinangarap ko dating
maging chinita at ngayon ay mukhang na-a-achieve ko na! Puyat lang pala ang
kailangan!"

I squinted. "May boyfriend ka ba, Mill?"

"Wala! Hindi ko naging boyfriend 'yon!"

I crossed my arms. "MU?"

"Hindi rin!" She was panicking.

"Are you okay?" tanong ko.

Her lips quivered. "Sino bang tinutukoy mo?! Wala akong kilalang lalaki! Wala akong
kilalang gago at tarantado na sasama sa ibang babae matapos akong putukan ng
semilya niya!"

I talked to her about it . . . and surprisingly, she gave me all the details. She
even cried while screaming and cursing the guy's name.

Talking to a home friend distracted me for a while. Sa dalawang oras na 'yon,

nalimutan ko ang mga responsibilidad ko at ang pagiging hangin sa mga mata ni Leon.
I was thinking about doing makeup commissions again to get my finances in order.
Baka makapagpadala rin ako kay Tita Leah kung magkakataon.

Kaya lang ay hindi ko alam kung saan ko pa iyon isisingit. Punong-puno na ako ng
gawain at kapag nadagdagan pa ay baka dito na ako mamatay.

"Leon . . . may 150-euro ka ba?" tanong ko sa kasintahan nang dumating ang bills
namin. "Na-short kasi ako, eh. Kukulangin 'tong pambayad natin sa renta. Nagpadala
kasi ako kay Mill. May butas kasi 'yong bubong sa apartment nila, eh, mahirap kapag
umuulan. May bata pa naman do'n."

He didn't look at me. Pinanatili niya ang mga mata sa binabasa.

"Sa wallet ko," aniya.

I swallowed hard as I walked over to his wallet on the bed. Binuksan ko iyon at
pinigilan ko ang umiyak nang makitang larawan naming dalawa ang nandoon. It was
taken during our graduation. Pareho kaming naka-toga at nakangiti na parang walang
dinibdib na problema.

I miss him so much that it hurts. Miss ko na 'yong Leon na lagi kong nahuhuling
nakatingin sa akin. 'Yong Leon na mapapansin ang malalaki hanggang pinakamaliliit
na pagbabago sa akin. 'Yong Leon na madaldal at malambing. 'Yong Leon na mahal ako.

I know. I know I have to understand him more. Masyado siyang maraming iniisip para
problemahin pa ang nararamdaman ko.

I just . . . miss him. Tuwing sinusubukan ko kasing lumapit sa kanya ay natatakot

ako. He might turn me down. He might scold me for being so clingy.

Tumikhim ako. "Fifty-euro lang ang nandito . . ."

"Then that's the only money I have, Mari." Hindi pa rin siya tumitingin sa akin.
"Lumalala ang ubo ni nanay. Hindi pa rin tapos ang hinuhulugan ko sa abogado ng
kambal."

I nodded. "Okay na 'to!"

Hindi siya sumagot. Ako naman ang nag-volunteer na bayaran muna ang renta. Hindi
ako dapat magreklamo. Isa pa, may rason naman siya.

Muli akong tumikhim. "Uhm . . . kumusta si Tita? Ano raw resulta ng check-up niya?"

"Hindi siya nakapagpa-check-up. Kinuha ni Nash ang pera pambili ng drugs,"

diretsong sagot niya.
"Ahh . . ." Napalunok ako. "Dapat ngayong month, 'yon ang i-prioritize mo. Hindi na
bumabata si Tita. Tapos madumi pa sa palengke, 'di ba? Dapat everyday siyang may
vitamins."

He nodded, not taking his eyes off the book.

"Eh, ikaw? Kumusta?" pagtatanong ko ulit. "Nahihirapan ka ba sa trabaho?

Pinapahirapan ka ba ng bisor natin? Nako! Hayaan mo! May attitude lang talaga 'yon!
Mahirap silang i-please . . . matataas ang standards!"

I chuckled, but I felt pathetic afterwards because he didn't even react.

"'Y-Yong prof natin . . . may ipinapagawa, 'di ba? Natapos mo na ba? Gusto mo bang
tulungan ki—"

"Nag-aaral ako, Mari. Matagal pa ba 'yan?" pagputol niya sa akin.

My chest tightened. I felt rejected. Pinigilan ko ang mapahawak sa dibdib nang

maramdaman ang matinding pagkirot nito.

"A-Ano'ng inaaral mo?" I still asked. "Hindi ba ako puwedeng makisabay? Like the
old times?"

I was so stupid. Miss na miss ko na si Leon. He just changed. Hindi ko alam . . .

pero hindi ko gusto ang pagbabago niyang 'to. He was so busy with his problems that
he forgot about me.

Alam kong maling isipin 'to . . . pero paano ako? Kailan niya ulit ako titingnan?
Kailan niya ulit ako ituturing na girlfriend niya?

"Please, I have a lot of things in mind. 'Wag ngayon, Mari."

At that time, I was just thankful that he couldn't hear my selfish thoughts. I'm
sure my complaints were the last thing he wanted to think about.

Hindi rin kita susukuan, Leon . . . gaya ng hindi mo pagsuko sa akin.

Mabigat ang loob kong lumabas ng kwarto at pumunta sa maliit naming banyo.

There, I cried like a loser.

Wala pa man ay iniiyakan ko na ang pagkawala ni Leon sa buhay ko. Nakikita ko pa

siya, pero hindi na siya maabot ng kamay ko. Para kaming nagkapalit ng posisyon.
Ang sabi niya sa akin ay lumalayo ako sa kanya, pero ngayon namang lumapit ako ay
tumalikod na siya.

Problems . . . They could really cloud people's minds. Minsan, nakakagawa tayo ng
masama kapag marami tayong iniisip. We want an immediate solution, even if that
means hurting and disregarding others. Nalilimutan ang prinsipyo at minsan . . .
ang pinagsamahan.

Inutang ko kay Shaira ang kulang na pera. She didn't ask much about it . . . kahit
pa sinabi kong pambayad lang ng renta. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ko mababayaran sa
kanya 'yon. My life here was far from what I imagined.

"Leon, hindi ba puwedeng idagdag na lang natin sa pambayad 'tong ibinibili mo ng

yosi?" hindi napigilang tanong ko nang makita ang isang kaha ng sigarilyo sa mesa.
"Nagkakaubo na nga si Tita tapos bili ka pa nang bili nito. Hindi mo na inisip na
masama rin 'yan sa baga mo."

"Bigay lang 'yan sa 'kin ng katrabaho natin, Mari."

"At tinanggap mo naman? Ilang buwan ka nang walang palya sa paggamit n'yan, ah?
Alam ko namang marami kang iniisip pero alagaan mo naman ang sarili mo, Leon."

Tumalikod ako sa kanya, takot na mabasa niya ang sakit sa mata ko.

"Please . . . this is my only way to relieve my stress. Hayaan mo na ako."

Napakasimpleng salita pero para akong nadurog.

"Your only way?" tanong ko, unti-unti nang nanunubig ang mata.

"Mari . . . please."

"M-Mas madalas mo pang makasama 'yang yosi mo kaysa sa 'kin." I took a deep, long
breath. "Your only way? Ano palang silbi ko rito? Taga-dagdag ng stress mo?"

"Pagod tayo sa trabaho. Let's not argue about this."

Yumuko ako at hinayaan ang luha na tuluyang bumagsak. Mabuti na lang at nakatalikod
ako sa kanya. Hindi niya makikita kung gaano ako kahina.

I felt like I was a cloud, just waiting for all of my raindrops to fall to the
ground. Punong-puno na ako. Gusto kong iiyak na lahat sa kanya. Gusto kong sampalin
siya pabalik sa realidad dahil pakiramdam ko ay nawawala siya sa wisyo. This isn't
him. His problems turned him into this . . . but he's not my Leon.

Parang nagpatong-patong ang problema namin. Ni hindi namin napag-usapan ang unang
napag-awayan. We didn't have a chance to say sorry to each other for the hurtful
things we said. Tapos ngayon, dumagdag pa 'to.

Nandito naman ako, ah? Bakit niya isinasarado ang pinto niya sa 'kin? Sinabi ko
namang makikinig ako. Isang daing niya lang, dudulog agad ako. Yayakapin ko rin
naman siya kapag hindi niya na kaya. Pero bakit? Bakit parang pawala na?

He taught me to communicate my problems to him, but he couldn't do it himself.

"What's happening to us, Leon?" My voice broke. "A-Akala ko ba mag-uusap kapag may
problema?"

"We're too tired, Mari."

"And we can't be each other's rest?" I whispered.

There was a long silence between us. Ang tanging maririnig ay ang mabibigat naming
paghinga.

"I'm sorry." Nabasag din ang tinig niya. "Pero sa ngayon . . . hindi tayo ang
prioridad ko."

I bit my lower lip to stop a sob from coming out. Fuck! Fuck! I wasn't even asking
to be his priority! Tangina! Kahit pangalawa . . . pangatlo . . . o kahit panghuli!
Basta isipin niya lang din ako! Kasi napapagod na rin ako! Kasi kaunti na lang,
bibitaw na rin ako!

I . . . laughed.
My utmost mask of pain. My ultimate concealer.

"Okay, Leon. Do what you need to do." I smiled despite the tears. "Ako naman ang
maghihintay sa 'yo."

Chapter 26 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 26

It was hard. I could feel him slowly drifting away from my grip. I could feel him
getting farther and farther away from me. Kahit anong higpit ng kapit, parang
gumagawa ng rason ang tadhana para paglayuin kami.

"Madami ka pa bang pending work?" I asked as I stood beside him in front of the
mirror. "Tinapos ko kahapon 'yong akin at kung may madadagdag ngayon, konti lang
siguro 'yon. Do you want me to help you?"

I was trying. We've been through a lot together, and I don't want this to be the
cause of our breakup. Masyado ko siyang mahal. Hindi ko kakayanin kapag umalis
siya. He has been my rock of strength for many years, and now that he is weak, I
want to be his strength as well.

Kasi ganoon ang isang relasyon. Ganoon ang itinuro niya sa akin. Na kapag mahina
ang isa, puwede mong ibigay ang balikat mo para may masandalan siya. Na kapag
lumuluwag ang hawak ng isa, puwede mong higpitan ang kamay mo para hindi siya
tuluyang makabitaw.

"No, I can manage," he said as he glanced at our reflection. "Thank you."

Humarap ako sa kanya at tumingkayad para mapatakan ng halik ang pisngi niya.

He stiffened but didn't say anything.

"I love you," bulong ko sa kanya.

Naninikip ang dibdib ko dahil sa labis na pagmamahal at pag-aalala sa kanya. I want

him back . . . every waking day. Umaasa akong balang-araw ay gigising ako na
nakayakap ulit siya sa akin . . . na nakangiti na ulit siya sa akin.

Yumuko siya. "I-I . . . love—"

Umiling ako at sumandal sa braso niya. "Don't force yourself, Leon. Alam kong mahal
mo 'ko. You don't have to say it out loud."

He kissed the top of my head, taking away all the pain I was feeling.

"I'm sorry," bulong niya. "Babawi ako sa 'yo, ha?"

Sapat na sa akin 'yon. At least, mayroong kumpirmasyon na kasama pa rin ako sa

plano niya. Gaya ko, alam kong sinusubukan niya rin. Masyado lang talaga siyang
inuubos ng mundo.

His brothers were drug dealers and users. Kung hindi ko pa nakausap si Tita Leah ay
hindi ko malalamang nagawa iyon ng kambal dahil gusto nilang tumulong sa pagbabayad
ng mga gastusin sa bahay. Kahit iyong pang-check-up sana noon ni Tita ay ginawa
nilang puhunan para makabili ng droga.
"Wala na akong puwesto sa palengke, Mari," sabi ng ginang. "Nahihirapan kasi akong
magbayad ng renta buwan-buwan tapos pinagchi-chismisan pa ang kambal . . ." Umiling
siya. "Hindi ko kayang marinig."

I may never understand how much a mother loves her children because I've never
experienced it, but as she narrates the things that have been going wrong for her,
her eyes are brimming with pain, and her face is worn down.

"Lagi namang nagpapadala si Leon kaya kahit papaano ay may nagagastos ako. Hindi ko
na rin kasi maalagaan 'yong mga tanim ko sa bukid." She breathed deeply. "Pasensya
na, anak, ha? Imbes na nakakapag-ipon na kayo para sa kinabukasan n'yo, ako pa ang
iniisip n'yo."

Umiling ako at ngumiti sa kanya. Lunch break namin ngayon at hindi kumain si Leon
dahil sa dami ng kailangan niyang tapusin.

"'Wag n'yo pong isipin 'yon, tita. Maayos po kami rito. 'Yong pag-iipon naman po ay
kaya naming gawin sa mga susunod pang taon," I assured her. "Kapag po may sobra ako
. . . magpapadala rin po ako sa inyo. Kailangan n'yo pa pong magpa-check-up. Iyon
po ang unahin n'yo."

Kahit sa cellphone lang kami magkausap ay nakita ko ang panunubig ng mga mata niya.

"Nag-iipon na ako . . ." Her voice cracked. "Tinitipid ko 'yong padala ni Leon kasi
pinapagalitan na rin ako no'n. Saka . . . 'wag mo 'kong isipin! May sinusuportahan
ka rin dito, 'di ba?"

We talked a bit more. Paubo-ubo siya habang nakikipag-usap sa akin kaya sinabihan
ko siyang magpahinga na lang. Now that I know what was going on with Leon's family,
I could see why he was so stressed out. Siya na lang pala talaga ang inaasahan sa
kanila. Masyado pa siyang maraming iniisip lalo at nasa malayong lugar siya.

"Nay, sinabi ko namang magpatingin na kayo. Bakit ba ayaw mong makinig sa 'kin? Ang
tagal na ng ubo mo," narinig kong saad ni Leon sa ina ilang oras lang nang makauwi
kami.

"Anak, ibinili ko ng tsinelas at mga gamit ang kambal. May kumuha kasi. Ang hirap
pa naman do'n. Kapag hindi sila sumunod sa sinasabi ng matatandang preso, baka
mapaaway sila," sagot ni Tita. "Tapos alam mo ba? Nakaupo lang sila matulog.
Masyadong masikip at mabaho . . . baka magkasakit sila."

Lumapit ako sa likuran ni Leon at niyakap iyon. Gusto kong iparamdam sa kanya na
magiging maayos din ang lahat . . . kahit parang ang hirap-hirap.

"Eh, ikaw? Hihintayin mo pa bang lumala ang sakit mo?" nagtatampong sabi ni Leon.

"Kapag nga nakaipon."

"Nay naman . . ."

"Ako na ang bahala sa sarili ko, Leon."

Tinanggal niya ang braso ko na nasa baywang niya.

"Teka lang," sabi pa niya bago tumayo at lumabas ng kwarto.

Ganoon lagi ang nangyayari. Hindi ko alam kung ayaw niyang iparinig sa akin ang
pagtatalo nilang mag-ina o ayaw niya lang sa pakiramdam na nakadikit ako sa kanya.
Pero hindi ko na para isipin pa 'yon. Sapat na sa aking kasama ko pa rin siya.
Kahit parang nagbago, alam ko namang babalik din ang lahat sa dati.

I lay down in bed and picked up my phone to take my mind off things. Nakita kong
may chat si Karsen kaya binuksan ko iyon.

Dawn Karsen Navarro: Still up? – Kat

Napanguso ako. Bakit wala siya sa probinsya?

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Bakit ka nand'yan at bakit account ni Karsen ang gamit mo?

Dawn Karsen Navarro: China-charge ko ang cellphone ko.

Dawn Karsen Navarro: And I'm here because I want to.

I chuckled. She must probably miss them.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Okay. What do you need from me? Miss mo 'ko?

Dawn Karsen Navarro: Nah. Just checking on you because Mill mentioned you've lost
weight. Part ba 'yan ng diet mo o may problema ka?

Warmth immediately filled my heart. Kahit chat lang, naririnig ko sa utak ko ang
boses niya. It was full of concern and worry.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'm with Leon, so I'm pretty sure I'm okay.

Dawn Karsen Navarro: Sure na sure?

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Yup. Ikaw? What's going on there?

She told me that Mill was so busy at work and that Karsen was the same as always.
Lumalaki na rin si Gayle kaya alam naming kailangan na rin ni Karsen maghanap ng
mas stable na trabaho. Naaawa na nga siya sa babae dahil nahihiya na itong
manghingi sa amin.

Dawn Karsen Navarro: I'm practicing some songs for my gig. Cover lang. Gusto mong
marinig? Hindi ako confident, eh.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You still do gigs?

Dawn Karsen Navarro: Kapag free.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Okay, let me hear it.

Ilang minuto lang ang hinintay ko hanggang sa nag-send siya ng isang black screen
na video. Akala ko pa naman ay makikipag-video call siya.

Dawn Karsen Navarro: Just this song. Tell me your thoughts after.

Kinuha ko ang earphones ko sa bedside table. I've always liked Kat's voice, so I
knew this would be good.

Sa umpisa ng video ay narinig ko agad ang pag-pluck niya sa gitara. It was a

familiar song. Intro pa lang ay alam ko na agad kung ano ang kantang iyon.

Pumasok sa kwarto si Leon, kunot ang noo at mukhang malalim ang iniisip.
He didn't even throw me a glance. Tinanggal lang niya ang salamin at patalikod na
humiga sa tabi ko.

I sighed. Nakakasanay nang ganito siya.

"When I look into your eyes, it's like watching the night sky . . . or a beautiful
sunrise. Well, there's so much they hold."

Kat's soothing voice and the comforting melody directly struck a chord in my heart.
Hindi ko alam kung masyado lang akong nag-iisip pero nang mga oras na 'yon ay
nanumbalik sa akin ang paraan ng pagtingin sa akin noon ni Leon.

That even behind his glasses, I was sure he had always been looking out for me.
That even behind his glasses, I could see the love he had for me.

"And just like them old stars, I see that you've come so far, to be right where you
are. How old is your soul?"

Pumikit ako at tumalikod din sa kanya. Ang dami na naming napagdaanan para bumitaw
pa ngayon. From those heated debates, secret glances, packed lunches, library
escapades, treehouse and work dates, littlest and biggest accomplishments, to being
here . . . living in the same apartment, trying our best to survive.

It's been a long road. Not sleeping with our backs against each other could make me
love him less.

"I won't give up on us . . . even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my
love. I'm still looking up." Kat's voice clenched my heart. Parang nangungusap ito
sa akin. "And when you're needing your space to do some navigating, I'll be here
patiently waiting to see what you find . . ."

Umiling ako. I can't give Leon space. Magsusumiksik ako sa buhay niya. Kahit maliit
na puwang lang. Kahit masikip na espasyo. I'll be with him.

At kung aalis man siya . . . I'm sure . . . I'm sure I'll wait for him. Kasi ayoko
ng iba. Kasi hindi ko nakikita ang sarili kong nagmamahal ulit nang ganito katindi.

He could be wherever he wanted to be, and I'd be at the sidelines, waiting for him
to look at me. He could shut his doors and let me get drenched in the rain and
burned in the sun while I waited for him to open them back up again.

"'Cause even the stars they burn. Some even fall to the earth. We've got a lot to
learn. God knows we're worth it. No, I won't give up." A tear escaped my eye
because the lyrics were speaking right through my soul. "I don't wanna be someone
who walks away so easily. I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can
make . . ."

Our love is worth it . . . even the heavens know that. Ang pinagdadaanan namin
ngayon ay pagsubok lang para sukatin ang pagmamahalan namin.

I was sure to pass this test . . . like all the other tests we've aced.

Huminga ako nang malalim at pumihit paharap sa kanya.

To my shock, he was also there, looking at me. Hindi ko naramdaman ang paggalaw
niya dahil ang atensyon ko ay nasa kanta.

My lips quivered as he extended his right arm, as if asking me to move closer to

him.
With the earphones still in my ears, I let myself find the comfort I needed in his
chest. Paulit-ulit niyang hinalikan ang tuktok ng ulo ko habang ang kamay ay
humahagod sa likuran ko.

No words were said. Just the right amount of heat in his body, and all my pain was
soothed.

"I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm
still looking up."

Nang matapos ang kanta ay saka ko narinig ang tahimik na pag-iyak niya. Isinubsob
ko ang mukha sa dibdib niya at ipinalibot ang isang kamay sa baywang niya.

My baby is having a hard time, too . . . ano'ng gagawin ko? I'm pouring everything
I have in my cup, and I'm more than willing to even give him my cup. Basta tumahan
lang siya. Basta maging maayos lang siya.

"Kahit anong mangyari, mahal na mahal kita, Mari . . ."

I didn't know what he meant by that back then, but it gave me more reasons to hold
on to him.

I was content. Kahit unti-unti, alam kong sinusubukan niya. He started telling me
about his day again and we often slept hugging each other . . . or at least, he was
letting me.

"Nice work, Mr. Zamora," sabi ng professor namin.

Hindi ko alam na sa apat na salitang iyon ay magiging puno ng kasiyahan ang puso
ko. I felt like he was coming back and regaining himself.

Kahit na madalas kaming ikumpara sa isa't isa ay nagagawa ko pa ring ngumiti. Mas
gusto ko 'yon kaysa ang marinig na pinapagalitan siya dahil mali ang ginawa niya.
It was better, right? I'm used to being compared to him, but I'll never get used to
people looking down on him.

ABC model of psychology. Right now, his antecedent is the problem of his family,
and his behavior toward that dilemma is reasonable. Syempre uunahin niya sila. So,
as a consequence, he's disregarding me and his other responsibilities. Natural lang
'yon. If I were in his shoes, I would probably be the same.

I thought things were looking up. I thought we would get through it like we did
with all the many problems we had.

Mahal niya ako at mahal ko rin siya. Our love could endure anything. Hangga't
kayang magtiis at umunawa. Hangga't kayang manatili at maniwala. Basta may isang
nakakapit, malalagpasan namin 'yon.

"Mari, I have to go home."

It was like a bomb to me . . . but I foresaw it happening. Wala rito ang utak niya.
At ang tanging paraan para maging maayos siya ay ang pisikal na makita ang
kalagayan ng pamilya niya.

Hindi ko siya para ikulong at pagbawalan. Gaya ng sabi ko, hindi ko siya preso. His
family would always be his home.

"May . . . pneumonia si nanay." Nabasag ang boses niya. "Kailangan niya ako ro'n."
Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang kamay niya kasabay ng paninikip ng dibdib ko. His hair
was a mess, and he had two dark circles under his eyes. He was in deep pain . . .
and at that time, all I wanted was to carry his burden for him.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango sa kanya.

"It was long overdue, Leon. Umuwi ka na muna sa pamilya mo."

Everything was a blur after that. I gave him all my savings so that he could buy a
plane ticket. Nag-cash advance din ako sa kumpanya para may maiabot kay Tita.
Itinakbo kasi ito sa ospital ng mga kapitbahay niya. She had a high fever and her
body was shaking non-stop. May mga pagkakataon ding nagha-hallucinate ito dahil sa
taas ng lagnat.

Ilang beses kong naabutan si Leon na umiiyak nang mag-isa sa mesa. I knew he wanted
some time alone, so I didn't bother him. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako kukuha ng pera
dahil said na said na rin ako, pero ang importante ngayon ay ang makaalis siya.
Naghahanap-hanap na ako ng malilipatang apartment. 'Yong mas maliit at mas mura.

Leon fell apart . . . and I had to watch that.

Wala akong alam sa bigat na nararamdaman niya pero ang makita siya sa ganoong
estado ay sapat na para malaman kong hindi na niya kaya.

His brothers were imprisoned, and their reputations had been tarnished. Their means
of financial support were no longer being provided. They spent every last penny of
their savings. And now his mother . . . his dear mother . . . was in the hospital,
alone.

Utang ang uuwian niya roon. Sigurado ako. Sa private hospital naka-confine si Tita
at hindi biro ang gastos doon. He wasn't telling me his plans, but I was certain
he'd figure it out.

Kaya ko naman. I just needed to be strong for him. Everything would fall into
places . . . but when it did, I knew sure this wasn't the place I was pertaining
to.

Dahil isang araw bago siya umalis ay nagising ako sa pagri-ring ng cellphone niya.

"Leon, may tumatawag sa 'yo," saad ko habang tinatapik siya.

"Hmm?"

"Cellphone mo . . ."

Hindi siya kumibo kaya ako na ang kumuha noon. Madaling araw iyon at pareho kaming
pagod. Ako sa trabaho at siya sa pag-aasikaso ng mga dokumento niya.

I looked to see who was calling, and my drowsiness vanished when I realized it
was . . . Psyche.

"Leon," sabi ko.

"Mamaya na 'yan, Mari. Matulog muna tayo."

I shook my head. "Look who's calling."

"Sino?" His voice was slurred.

Sinubukan kong huwag pangunahan ng selos at galit. Huminga ako nang malalim at
paulit-ulit na ipinaalala sa sarili na wala sa lugar ang nararamdaman ko.

Nagbuntong-hininga si Leon nang umupo ako sa kama. Hawak ko pa rin ang cellphone
niya at nang tumabi siya sa akin ay nakita ko ang bahagyang pamimilog ng mga mata
niya.

His reaction hurt me.

What? Ayaw niya bang malaman ko na may komunikasyon sila ng babae?

"Dito mo sagutin 'yan," utos ko. "Loudspeaker."

He nodded. Kinuha niya ang cellphone sa kamay ko at sinagot ang tawag.

"God, you took so long to answer," sabi ni Psyche.

I heaved a sigh as the stirrings of jealousy emerged in my chest. Kailan pa sila

nag-uusap? At . . . bakit hindi ko alam?

"Natutulog ako, Psyche. What do you need?" diretsong tanong ni Leon.

"Ah, right! Madaling araw na d'yan." Tumawa ang babae. "Kailan ka uuwi?"

Naramdaman ko ang pagbaling sa akin ni Leon pero hindi ko siya tinapunan ng tingin.
My eyes were focused on his cellphone.

"Why do you need to ask? It's none of your business."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako nakumbinsi sa sagot niya.

"Sungit!"

"Look, I'll just get in touch once I'm there, Psyche. No need to call me."

"Okay, then. I'll see you soon."

The call had ended almost immediately, but my jealousy continued to linger in my
core. Why did he have to get in touch with her? Tapos na ang kontrata nila. There's
no reason for them to talk to each other.

"Are you cheating on me, Leon?" I asked, not prolonging my thoughts.

"No," he replied. "Kinuha lang niya akong tutor dahil nag-aaral siya ulit ngayon ng
psychology. The amount was good . . . and I needed money to pay the hospital
bills."

Humarap ako sa kanya. "Ba't hindi mo sinabi sa 'kin?"

"No'ng isang araw niya lang ako tinanong . . ."

"At sa loob ng dalawang araw, hindi ka nakahanap ng oras para sabihin sa 'kin?!" I
clenched my fist on the blanket. "Gaano kahirap sabihin sa akin na, Mari, tuturuan
ko 'yong pinagseselosan mong kapatid kasi may pera 'yon at kailangan ko ng pera?"

Pain passed across his eyes. "Mari . . . hindi naman ako gano'n. Kailangan lang
talaga ni nanay."
"Oo nga! Nando'n na 'ko! Ang tinatanong ko, bakit hindi mo nasabi sa 'kin? Eh, kung
hindi ko pa nakitang tumatawag 'yan sa 'yo, baka nakauwi ka na't lahat, hindi ko pa
rin alam!" sigaw ko. "Hindi naman kita pipigilan! Syempre, pera 'yan, eh! Ang sa
'kin lang, i-update mo naman ako sa buhay mo! Hindi ko na alam kung kanino pa ako
makikibalita!"

I yanked off the blanket that was covering my legs with force and stood up. I could
feel tears coming to my eyes.

I looked at him and my heart hurt when I saw how scared and nervous he was.

"Mari, sorry . . ." nakayukong aniya.

Naghintay ako ng paliwanag . . . pero wala.

I bit my lower lip. "'Yon na 'yon?"

Umiling siya. Mabigat ang mga paghinga niya at mahigpit ang hawak sa kumot na
parang doon siya humihingi ng lakas.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla akong kinabahan habang nakatingin sa kanya. He
looked extremely and unusually . . . apologetic.

"M-Marami akong ginawa, Mari . . ." Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. "Magagalit ka
sa 'kin . . ."

Lalong dinaga ang dibdib ko sa sinabi niya. Parehong may luha ang mga mata namin
ngunit nanaig ang takot sa puso ko.

"Ano'ng nangyayari, Leon?" Pinatatag ko ang boses.

Nakaupo siya sa kama, puno ng pangamba ang mukha, habang nakatingin sa akin. Now
I'm sure it's not only about Psyche and that phone call. He was this scared because
he knew our relationship would be at risk.

I swallowed hard. "Tell me . . . hangga't nandito ka pa."

"Magagalit ka sa 'kin," nanginig ang boses na aniya. "H-Hihiwalayan mo 'ko."

"Ano nga 'yon?!" I shouted as anticipation ate my system.

Tumayo siya at lumapit sa akin. His hands were trembling as he got down on his
knees. Parang sinasakal ang puso ko habang pinapanood siya. Gumagalaw ang balikat
niya sa labis na paghikbi at doon pa lang, alam ko na may ginawa siyang tuluyang
wawasak sa akin.

"Forget it. Ayoko palang marinig," sabi ko. "Tumayo ka d'yan. Kalimutan mo nang
nagtanong ako."

I grabbed his arms and forced him to stand, but he only took my hand and kissed it.

Lalo akong napaiyak. "T-Tama na, Leon. Aalis ka na bukas. Sigurado akong hindi mo
sinabi 'yan sa 'kin kasi ayaw mong masaktan ako. Let's leave it that way, okay?
Hindi mo kailangang sabihin lahat sa 'kin. I'm sorry for shouting."

Umiling siya. "Tinanggap ko ang offer ni Mr. Mendoza . . ."

"Hindi ko nga gustong marinig, Leon! Isikreto mo na lang 'yan sa 'kin!"

My chest was getting tighter as more tears ran down my face.

"M-Mari, ano'ng gagawin ko? Kapag daw doon ako nagtrabaho, mapapalabas niya ang mga
kapatid ko," pagpapatuloy niya.

Binawi ko ang kamay sa kanya at mabilis na itinakip iyon sa tainga ko. No, I don't
want to hear it. I don't want to hear my boyfriend work for the person who abused
me.

"And your mother . . ."

"Stop fucking talking!" sigaw ko.

"B-Babayaran niya raw ang hospital bills basta i-tutor ko si Psyche." Humikbi siya.
"Tinanggap ko pareho, Mari. K-Kahit alam kong masasaktan ka, tinanggap ko . . ."

It was like a trigger to me.

"Sorry ngayon ko lang sinabi. A-Ayokong gawin 'to . . . pero kailangan ng pamilya
ko. I have no reason, Mari. I have no reason. Alam kong masasaktan kita kaya hindi
ko sinasabi, but I just can't keep lying to you."

Bigla ay nawalan ako ng pakialam. Ang paninikip ng dibdib ko ay sapat na para

isampal sa akin ang katotohanan na walang hindi nabibili ang pera.

Kailangan kong intindihin . . . pero napapagod na akong umintindi.

At that point, all I think about is that, maybe this is the world's way of telling
me that our time together is over. Na ipinahiram lang nila sa akin si Leon para
maranasan ko ang mahalin at magmahal.

It may be shallow, but I know deep down in my heart that I can't be with someone
who will work with the people who abused me, the people who made me suffer, and the
people who hurt me to the point where I'm not even close to recovering from the
trauma they caused me.

Ayoko siyang bitawan. Mahal na mahal ko si Leon . . . pero magiging alaala lang
siya ng mga magulang ko sa akin.

That with money, they bought my greatest love. That with money, they sent me back
to the mud where I belonged.

"Pati ikaw nakuha nila sa 'kin . . ." bulong ko.

"Mahal kita, Mari." He sobbed. "Marami akong naging pagkukulang sa 'yo . . . pero
mahal na mahal na mahal kita."

I shook my head. "Tama na. Ang mahalaga, sinubukan natin."

Tumayo siya at agad na yumakap sa akin. "Baby, please . . . no. Don't say that."

Hinayaan ko lang siya. It would be the last time we'd be this close. It would be
the last time I'd hugged him. Susulitin ko na. Kahit parang wala nang init ang
yakap niya. Kahit parang wala na sa akin ang pagtangis niya.

"'Wag mo kong iwan, Mari. Please. Hindi ko kaya." Nabasa ng luha niya ang damit ko.
"Babawi lang ako . . . hindi naman ako magtatagal sa pagtatrabaho ro'n. 'Wag namang
ganito. H-Hindi ko kaya, Mari. Parang awa mo na."
My lips trembled. "Nakakapagod kalaban ang mundo, Leon."

Mas sumiksik siya sa akin na para bang anumang oras ay mawawala ako.

"I know I need to understand. I know that my pain is your least priority now."
Parang may tanikalang sumakal sa puso ko. "'Yong panlalamig at pagbabago mo, kaya
kong tiisin. Kasi alam kong babalik ka naman sa dati. Kasi alam kong may dinadala
ka lang pero mahal mo pa rin ako."

I was trying my best to strengthen my voice. This isn't the end I envisioned . . .
but this is the end the world has in store for us.

"L-Leon, hindi ko kayang mahalin ka habang iniisip na nakikipagtrabaho ka sa mga

taong nanakit sa 'kin," I muttered. "You know my pain. You know what I've been
through . . . and you still get in touch with them."

"Please . . . kailangan ko lang. Konti lang. M-Mailabas ko lang ng ospital si

nanay. Makalaya lang ang mga kapatid ko."

Hinang-hina ako. Gusto ko siyang itulak pero mas gusto ko siyang higitin palapit sa
'kin. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. Hindi naman kasalanan ni Leon na sinaktan ako
ng mga magulang ko. Labas na dapat siya roon. Wala rin naman akong pera para
maitulong sa kanya . . . para hindi niya na kailangang tumanaw ng utang na loob sa
kanila.

Love isn't supposed to be like this. Love shouldn't make you choose between your
family and your partner. Love shouldn't wear you out because you'll feel at peace
when you're with each other.

But right now, all I can see is the reason why I should let go. Ubos na kami pareho
para bigyan pa ang isa't isa.

"Umalis ka na," saad ko.

Umiling siya.

"Leon, umalis ka na."

"Ayoko, Mari. Iiwan mo 'ko . . . ayoko."

I clenched my fists and used every ounce of strength that was left in me to push
him.

"Umalis ka na!" My voice broke. "Wala na tayong magagawa, Leon! Sirang-sira na tayo
pareho!"

"Magalit ka na lang . . . basta 'wag mo 'kong hiwalayan, Mari. P-Parang awa mo na."

Sinubukan niyang hawakan ulit ako ngunit tinabig ko lang ang kamay niya.

"Magsimula ka ng bagong buhay sa Pilipinas nang wala ako."

Lumatay ang matinding sakit sa mukha niya.

"Kung kanino ka makikipagtrabaho, wala na akong pakialam." I shook my head. "Take

care of Tita Leah. You are so . . . so blessed to have her."

"M-Mari . . ."
"Masyado nang masakit, Leon. Ikaw na lang 'yong meron ako tapos nakuha ka rin nila.
. . at hindi kita masisisi kasi alam kong kailangan mo 'yon." Humikbi ako. "Kaya
umalis ka na. Let's start unlearning the love we have for each other."

Yumuko siya, tila sumuko na rin sa pagmamakaawa sa akin. "Kaunting pag-intindi lang
ang hinihingi ko, Mari. Why are you being so selfish?"

Parang nagpantig ang tainga ko. "Ano'ng sinabi mo?"

He looked up at me, and fear passed through his eyes again.

"Selfish ako?" tanong ko. "Tangina, ilang buwan na ako ang nagbayad ng renta! Ilang
buwan kong tiniis na lumalayo ka! Ilang buwan kong tiniis ang panoorin lang ang
likod mo kapag natutulog ka!" I panted. "Kaunting pag-intindi?! Leon, ubos na ubos
na ako kakaintindi!"

"Kailangan ko lang," hinang-hinang sabi niya.

"Alam ko! Hindi naman kita pinipigilan, ah?!"

"Pero makikipaghiwalay ka sa 'kin . . ."

"Dahil hindi ko kayang mahalin ang taong kayang harapin ang mga taong nanakit sa
'kin!" buong lakas na sigaw ko. "Kaya kung makasarili ako dahil nakikipaghiwalay
ako sa 'yo, mas makasarili ka kasi hindi mo iniisip ang mararamdaman ko kapag hindi
ko gagawin 'to!"

He didn't move an inch as he watched me sob right in front of him while I tried to
catch my breath. Nanaig sa amin ang katahimikan at ang tanging maririnig lang sa
loob ng apat na sulok ng kwarto namin ay ang pigil na paghikbi niya at ang sunod-
sunod na paghinga ko.

"Ba't kaya mo nang wala ako?" tanong niya. "Bakit ako . . . hindi ko kaya?"

Umiling ako at dumiretso sa mga maleta niya. Hingit ko iyon palabas ng kwarto at
naramdaman ko lang ang pagsunod niya habang tinatawag ako.

Itinapon ko ang maleta niya sa sahig.

"Umalis ka na!" sigaw ko. "Bago pa tayo lalong magkasakitan, umalis ka na!"

Kasabay ng pagdampot niya sa mga gamit ay ang pagpasok ko sa kwarto para kunin ang
nakahandang jacket niya. I was heavily panting, but all I wanted was for him to
leave. Hindi ko na kayang makita siyang umiiyak habang nagmamakaawa sa akin.

Baka . . . pumayag ako. Baka pilitin kong kumbinsihin ang sarili na intindihin siya
kahit ang kapalit noon ay ang pagpikit ko sa mga makakatrabaho niya.

Ibinato ko sa maleta niya ang jacket at buong tapang na hinarap siya.

"I love you," buong lambing na sabi niya bago pa ako makapagsalita.

Muling nalaglag ang luha ko. "Tama na!"

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. "I promised myself that between the two of us, if
there's someone who'll walk away, it wouldn't be me . . . but I guess, I couldn't
fulfill even that. Sinabi ko ngang hindi kita sasaktan, eh . . . pero pinapaiyak
kita ngayon."
He picked up his things. Nabitawan niya pa ang jacket niya kaya sinimot niya ulit
iyon.

"Sige na. Aalis na 'ko," sabi niya. "Tumalikod ka na kasi hindi ito ang alaalang
gusto kong iwan sa 'yo."

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. A part of me wanted to stop him, but a bigger part
of me knew that being together wouldn't be good for us. I can't trick myself into
thinking that his relationship with my parents won't affect me, and I can't force
him to decline the offer because I know how much he needs money.

Unti-unti akong tumalikod sa kanya at nang marinig ko ang pagbukas at pagsarado ng

pinto ay tuluyan akong napaupo.

No, I didn't make the mistake of letting him go.

I made the mistake of loving him . . . because I knew I damaged him as much as he
damaged me.

Chapter 27 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 27

I didn't know how I managed to go through the days like nothing had happened.

Every morning, I'd cry because his side of our bed was empty and his scent in the
pillowcases was the only thing left for me to remember that he was once there.

Hindi ko man lang nasabing mahal ko rin siya.

Hindi man lang ako nakapagpasalamat. Hindi man lang ako nakahingi ng tawad sa mga
nagawa at nasabi ko sa kanya.

Ngayon lang siya napagod . . . pero sinukuan ko agad siya. Maybe he was right when
he said I was selfish. He helped me through all my problems, but when he needed me
most, I forced him to leave.

Pero ano ang gagawin ko? Hindi ko kayang ipilit sa sarili ko na ayos lang kahit pa
may rason naman siya.

We needed this. Kahit masakit. I knew that some people would only come into our
lives to either stay or teach us a lesson.

And Leon was the latter.

He entered my life and taught me how I should be loved . . . how I should be taken
care of.

For years, he did nothing but endure my wrath. Kahit kalaban ang turing ko sa
kanya, tiningnan niya ako nang may pagmamahal. Kahit nasisigawan ko siya, kahit
kailan ay hindi niya ako napagsalitaan.

He treated me in a way I longed to be treated . . . at hindi ang isang pagkakamali

niya ang magbubura ng magagandang nagawa niya para sa akin.

I should never hate him because that would mean I'd still keep him in my heart, and
doing that would stop me from growing. Trying to hold onto our memories would make
me stagnant.
He helped me heal my scars before, and now I have to learn how to treat the wounds
he left me.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Mari, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for
saying you were selfish. I'm sorry for invalidating your pain. I'm sorry for making
you feel unseen and undervalued. I'm sorry for being so distracted that I didn't
realize I was already treating you badly. I'm sorry for coming into your life only
to leave.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: It's been a month. Nasa Pilipinas na ako. I'm in our treehouse
while typing this. Nanay is sleeping and I just had a talk with her a while ago.
Nasa bahay na kami. Bumili na lang kami ng oxygen tank kasi hirap pa rin siyang
huminga. I'm sorry for having the guts to even send these chats to you now. I know
you hate getting unnecessary messages.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I realized how much of a jerk I was to you. I wish I could turn
back time so I could make better choices. I wish I could turn back time and say
things differently. Miss na miss na kita, Mari. I've loved you for years and I
still do. You're not only the highlight of my college; you're the best part of my
life.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Someday, the memories we shared will be nothing but a distant
memory. I'm sorry I couldn't keep our promise to accomplish more things and stay
together. Sa ngayon, wala akong ibang gugustuhin kung hindi ang maging masaya at
malaya ka. This is too painful to ask you, but I hope you forget about me. I hope
you meet a man who deserves you more than I do. Goodbye, Mendoza. Thank you for
loving me.

Those were the messages that broke my heart even more. I miss everything about him,
too. Sana hindi na lang kami tumanda. Sana hindi na lang bumigat ang mga
responsibilidad namin. Sana hindi na lang kami pinaghiwalay.

I read them again and over, memorizing every word and punctuation, imagining how he
must have looked as he typed them.

I'm glad I did because the following day, I found out that he had deactivated his
account.

That was the last time I ever heard from him. Hindi ako nag-reply dahil hindi ko
nakikita ang dahilan para gawin 'yon. Isa pa ay hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang
dapat sabihin.

Hirap na hirap akong magsimula ulit. I was penniless and had a lot of bills to pay.
May bawas pa ang sweldo ko dahil sa pagca-cash advance ko. Lumipat na rin ako sa
mas maliit na apartment. Halos parang dorm lang. Pinagkasya ko ang sarili sa
pagkain ng mga mumurahing pagkain dahil kailangan kong magtipid. I'm still sending
a few euros to Karsen because I don't want them to worry about me.

"Ms. Mendoza, I'll give you Mr. Zamora's papers since he didn't take them with him
when he left," sabi ng professor namin habang inilalapag sa armrest ko ang isang
brown envelope. "He was a bright student. It was sad he had to leave."

Nandoon lahat ng mga dokumento ni Leon. Ang sulat-kamay, ang 2x2 picture na ipinasa
noong nag-a-apply pa lang kami sa school, ang recommendation letter, at health
records.

I hid it away in my closet and shed tears over it for several days. Minsan siyang
naging parte ng buhay ko . . . at gusto kong itago ang lahat ng bagay na
makakapagpaalala sa akin na minsan ay minahal niya ako.

Ngayon ko lang ipinagpasalamat na marami akong kailangang gawin. At least, hindi

ako magkakaroon ng maraming oras para isipin siya. At least, hindi ko kailangang
magkulong sa kwarto para lang alalahanin na hindi na siya babalik.

"Wala na kami ni Leon, Mill," I said over a video call.

Nanlaki ang mata niya. "Huh?! Bakit? Kailan pa?!"

I shrugged. "Matagal na. Nakauwi na rin siya d'yan. Wala, eh. It didn't work out."

"Ulol!" sigaw niya. "Nagloko ba gaya ng hayop mong ex?!"

Umiling ako. "Hindi 'yon magagawa ni Leon."

"Sabi na, eh! Wala talaga akong tiwala sa mga lalaking 'yan! Sino'ng
nakipaghiwalay?"

The breakup, even though it happened months ago, was still fresh in my head. Ang
mabibigat na paghinga. Ang pagmamakaawa at pagluhod. Ang takot sa mata noong umamin
siya. At ang huling beses na narinig ko ang paglalambing niya.

"Ako," I replied. "Let's just say I can't be with someone who'll work for people I
hate."

Bahagya siyang naguluhan. "Si Leon?"

Tumango ako. "He is probably working with them now."

"At alam niyang ayaw mo sa kanila?"

"Alam na alam, Mill." I smiled. "At ayun 'yong hindi ko kayang tanggapin. He
witnessed how I cried about them. He saw me endure a lot because of them.
Pero . . . wala." Tumawa ako. "Hindi ko naman siya masisisi kasi pera 'yon, eh. And
we both know what money can buy."

Umiling siya. "Kung nabili ng pera ang pagmamahal niya sa 'yo, gago siya."

"It was too complicated to leave it at that, Mill. Naiintindihan ko si Leon," I

assured her. "It's for his family. Hindi ko para kwestyunin 'yon. I know how far
someone will go to help their family."

"Gago pa rin siya," she insisted. "Kung kailangan niya ng pera, ang dami-daming
puwedeng utangan! Bakit sa mga nanakit pa sa 'yo? At sino ba 'yang mga deputang
'yan? Bakit hindi ka nagsasabi sa 'kin?!"

Having a friend is truly a blessing. I felt heard and understood. Hindi niya alam
ang buong pangyayari, pero parang kinakampihan niya pa rin ako. Basta makita niya
lang na nasasaktan ako . . . kami . . . kahit na minsan ay kami ang mali,
ipagtatanggol niya pa rin kami.

"Thank you, Mill." My eyes turned hazy. "Kapag umuwi ako, 'wag mo muna akong
awayin, ha? I badly need a hug."

Hindi na ako nagulat nang makatanggap ako ng mga chat kina Karsen at Kat matapos
'yon. Kat said I could call her any time, and Karsen said that she would forever be
grateful that I raised Gayle with her.
I lost count of the days. They felt painfully slow to me, but I knew that the world
wouldn't stop spinning just because I was going through something.

Gaya ng dati, mas pinag-igihan ko na lang ang trabaho at pag-aaral. I learned how
to do my job properly and how to write better for my master's degree.

I realized that I was lacking in many areas, so I tried to read Leon's notes to
mentor myself. Nakita ko ang pagkakaiba ng mga gawa namin kaya siguro ay madalas
kaming maikumpara.

Several months passed, and somehow, I saw the world from a different perspective.
Na kung hindi ko tatatagan, hindi ako makakasabay sa pag-ikot nito. I came to terms
with the fact that no one would cradle me and that the criticism I received from
others was meant to encourage me to break through my barriers so that I could do
more.

Kasi kung titingnan ko lang sila bilang walang lamang galit at panghuhusga, hindi
ako lalago. I had grown too used to receiving gentle love, and the world kept
convincing me that I needed to experience tough love as well, because there were
things that could only be accomplished by someone with a more resilient heart.

Hindi na ako bata para umiyak kapag sinabihan akong hindi magaling. Hindi na ako
bata para magdamdam kapag napapagalitan dahil may mali akong ginawa. Instead, I
should start looking at things from a different angle and take them as a sliver of
hope to get better.

"Are you Amari Mendoza?" tanong sa akin ng isang babae habang nag-p-print ako ng
documents sa trabaho.

She looked very sophisticated in her expensive-looking coat. She doesn't look
Italian and I'm assuming she's Asian.

"Yes, ma'am," I answered.

Ngumiti ito sa akin. "I'm Anne, the one who processed your paper . . ."

My lips parted. She was the reason why we made it to PAI! She's a Filipino who also
has a degree in psychology!

"Ma'am! It was nice meeting you po!" saad ko nang makabawi.

"I'm sorry it took me a while to introduce myself. No'ng nagsabi kasi si Mrs. Dela
Paz sa akin ay nagbabakasyon ako sa Rome. Also, I look after the branch in
Ferrara," pagpapaliwanag niya.

Ngumiti ako. Ferrara is a city in northern Italy known for its churches and
heritage.

"Okay lang po, ma'am. Naging maayos naman po ang pagtatrabaho ko rito."

"You didn't find the environment toxic?" Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata. "That's
new."

Kinakabahang tumawa ako. "No'ng una po . . ."

Napatigil ako nang pumasok sa printing office ang bisor ko. Kinabahan agad ako
dahil baka maisip niyang nakikipagkuwentuhan lang ako imbes na magtrabaho.

But then, when she saw who I was talking to, her face lit up.
"Anne!" she exclaimed. "I didn't know you were back from Ferrara already!"

Nakipagbeso si Ma'am Anne. "Just today."

"What's your business here?"

Mabining tumawa ang ginang. "We need additional workers, so I'll get some from
you."

It felt illegal to be there. Hindi ko na dapat naririnig ito. It was between them,
the higher-ups. Sa main branch ako nagtatrabaho at maraming nagsasabing mas maganda
ang pamamalakad sa PAI-Ferrara kaysa rito sa Milan kahit na last year lang ito
naitayo.

As far as I know, the counseling and mental health clinic were there. Kung ang
focus namin dito sa Milan ay research, paggawa ng psychological tests, at
pagdiskubre ng mga bagong mental health disorders, sa Ferrara naman ay paggagamot
talaga. PAI was the largest and most organized psychological association worldwide,
so it was only fair for it to have two branches.

"You should've met Mr. Zamora! I could vouch for that kid!" sabi ng bisor ko.

Itinutok ko ang mata sa printer nang maramdaman ang pagkirot sa dibdib ko. Leon was
really someone who was hard to forget. Miski ang bisor namin ay tanda pa rin ang
galing niya kahit na napakarami nang buwan ang lumipas simula noong umalis siya.

"Yeah, Dr. Fujimoto loved that guy's wit," natatawang sagot ni Ma'am Anne. "She
said he was a genius."

"Well, that girl, too."

Hindi ako nakatingin sa kanila pero agad na nag-init ang puso ko sa narinig.

Are they talking about . . . me?

"She had a hard time adjusting in her first few months, and she was a real pain to
take care of, so I couldn't recall how many times I scolded her, but she kept
improving, and I think with the right training, she could reach her maximum
potential."

Ma'am Anne scoffed. "I'll take her even without your compliments because Mrs. Dela
Paz has already told me a lot about her."

Tumawa ang bisor ko. "Ms. Mendoza."

I gazed up at them, nervous and overwhelmed.

"Are you interested in moving to Ferrara?"

For the first time since Leon left, I felt genuinely happy. It's okay for me to
work here in Milan because I think I'm growing used to what I do, but hearing them
praise and believe in me seemed as if all of the years I'd spent working on myself
were finally acknowledged.

Hindi napawi ang ngiti ko hanggang sa makauwi. I told my friends about it, and they
pushed me to go through with it, saying that if I wanted to be a counseling
psychologist, I shouldn't hide behind cubicles approving and making documents.
Psychological Alliance of Italy – Ferrara Branch Application

Greetings.

This is Stefany Anne Lupena, the Human Resource Director of PAI-Ferrara. I'd like
to know if you agree to move to our branch until next week. Considering that PAI-
Milan originally handled the entire corporation, the fact that we moved to Ferrara
only a year ago makes it a relatively recent development, and up until now, we've
been looking for qualified people from the main office to work for us.

If you're interested, please reply to this email and I'll tell you everything you
need to know about the job, including how much you'll be paid and what benefits
you'll get.

Thank you.

Nang matanggap ko ang email na iyon ay may isang taong pumasok agad sa utak ko.

Kung nandito lang siya, siguradong parehas kaming kukunin at sabay kaming
magdedesisyon. O siguro . . . baka hindi siya papayagan ng main branch dahil
malaking kawalan siya.

I looked at the time the email was sent, but my eyes were drawn to the date.

18.

Lumunok ako nang maramdaman ang bikig sa lalamunan ko. After responding to the
email, I closed my laptop and lay down in bed.

Leon told me I should forget about him, but just seeing the date makes me want to
message him. Gusto kong kumustahin siya. Kung maayos na ba si Tita Leah at kung
nagawa niya na ba lahat ng kailangan niyang gawin.

Is he happy? Is he earning and making it big already? Is working for my parents . .

. worth it?

Gabi-gabi ko pa rin siyang naiisip. I'm trying not to, but our memories were taking
a toll on me. Ano kayang mangyayari kung tinanggap ko na lang ang dahilan niya?
Kung nagtiis na lang ako? It must've hurt, but at least we're still together,
right?

Nagbuntong-hininga ako.

Today should be the last day you'll consider this date special, Amari. Today should
be the last day you'll think of all the should-have-beens. Today should be the last
day you'll remember him.

"You're in good hands."

Iyon ang huling sinabi sa akin ng bisor ko bago ako na-transfer sa Ferrara ng taon
ding iyon.

Mas maliit ang suweldo ko pero mas marami namang benepisyo. They had a staff house,
so I didn't have to rent an apartment, as well as a pantry where breakfast and
lunch were free.

"Aminin mo, mas magandang magtrabaho rito," nakangiting sabi sa akin ni Ma'am Anne.
"You'll face a lot of changes, but you'll make it for sure."
"Thank you, ma'am."

Kami lang ang Pinoy rito at kalimitan sa mga katrabaho ko ay hindi masyadong fluent
mag-english, dahilan kung bakit wala rin akong maka-close. Kaya naman bukod sa
paglipat ng school para ituloy ang master's degree ko ay kumuha rin ako ng mas
advance na kurso sa lenggwahe nila kahit pa may certificate na ako doon dahil isa
'yon sa requirement para makapag-aral abroad.

Ma'am Anne was right. There were a lot of adjustments made, but I didn't punish
myself for not getting everything right on the first try.

I still fail, and I have thoughts of hurting myself every now and then, but the
universe has given me enough strength to know that it's okay.

It's okay to fall down after getting up. It's okay to still have scars in the same
spot after the wound has healed. It's okay to not be good at everything. It's okay
to get lost on your journey and take a break, because it's your life and the rest
of the world shouldn't care how long it takes you to get where you're going.

'Yong mga bagay na hindi ko matanggap noon sa sarili ko, ngayong mag-isa ako,
niyayakap at hinahayaan ko na.

My mistakes, tears, and meltdowns are all parts of who I am.

At hindi ko naman pala kailangang labanan ang mundo kasi darating ang araw na
maiintindihan ko kung bakit nangyari sa 'kin ang lahat ng 'to.

Me, being left alone in the orphanage was meant to happen so I could meet Karsen,
Mill, and Kat.

Me, meeting my parents and hearing those harsh words were all meant to happen so
that I could see how much I could do on my own.

Me, falling in love with someone was meant to happen so I could learn that people
have to make a choice and it should be okay that their choice didn't include you.

I stopped worrying about everything, and now that I'm here, I can't believe I'm
already making it.

Maraming nangyari. Hindi lang sa buhay ko pero maging sa buhay ng mga kaibigan ko.
Some of my classmates started their own families including Shaira and Thaddeus who
were expecting a baby. Hindi pa sila kasal, pero sinabi sa akin ng kaibigan na
matapos daw ang panganganak ay itatali niya na ang lalaki.

"Kailan ka ba magbabakasyon dito? Ikaw ang gusto kong paglihian," sabi niya pa.
"Bwisit, eh! Si Meg ang lagi kong kasama. Baka mamana ng anak ko ang kapangitan!"

Tumawa ako nang makita ang pagnguso ni Meg.

"Ang kapal ng mukha mo! 'Wag mo 'kong ime-message kapag gusto mo ng ice cream, ha!"

"Ako ba hindi n'yo bibisitahin? Marami akong chika! May crush akong dentist dito!"
singit ni Zoey.

Sumimangot si Shaira. "'Wag ka na, be. Ilang taon na tayo tapos crush crush ka pa
rin. Ano ka, 13?"

Pinanood ko lang silang magbulyawan doon. Many things may have changed, but our
bond and their personalities have not. Hindi ako pinalad sa ibang aspeto ng buhay
pero biniyayaan naman ako ng tunay at maraming kaibigan.

"I'll be there soon," I announced after their banters.

"How soon?!" tanong ni Shaira. "Ang dami mo nang achievements, 'te! Uso
magpahinga!"

I chuckled. "Basta uuwi ako, okay?"

It wasn't a lie. Ilang buwan na akong kinukulit nina Karsen at Mill tungkol sa pag-
uwi kaya inihahanda ko na rin ang mga dokumento ko. Ayaw ko man dahil marami pa
akong kailangang gawin ay pumayag na rin ako.

I've said no to a lot of other invitations, but I can't say no to this one.

Isa pa, nami-miss ko na rin sila. I'd like to recharge my batteries before starting
on the next step of my professional development.

"Amari, I heard that you're already planning to take classes for a doctorate in
counseling. Is that true?!"

Iyon ang ibinungad sa akin ni Ma'am Anne nang pumasok ako sa trabaho.

Tumango ako. "Sì, signora," nangingiting sabi ko pa.

"But you just got your master's degree last year and had your license three months
ago!" kunot-noong saad niya. "If you keep studying at that rate, you'll be the
youngest to have a Ph.D. in psychology in Ferrara!"

I squinted as I put my bag on my table. "That's a good thing . . . right?"

"Well, yeah . . . I'm just a little worried because you're working and studying
non-stop." Ngumuso siya. "It's only been four or five years since you moved to
Italy, but you've already done a lot. Kaya mo bang pagsabayin ang pagiging licensed
psychologist and counselor habang nag-aaral?"

Napangiti ako. I wasn't alone in this country during my first year, but I kept
stumbling and moving slowly. Now that I have nothing but myself . . . parang
masyado naman akong mabilis?

I worked while getting my master's degree, so it took me almost three years to

complete it instead of two. Thus, I won't waste any time getting my doctorate
because I knew it would be a long process.

"Kaya po, ma'am," sagot ko. "But maybe after I'm back from the Philippines."

Nakita ko ang gulat sa mukha niya nang ilapag ko ang leave of absence letter ko sa
tapat niya.

"Uuwi ka?!" bulaslas niya.

"Wala po akong absent at leave simula no'ng nagtrabaho ako rito," sabi ko. "My
friend is getting married, so as her maid of honor, I need to be there."

Yes, after years of suffering alone, Karsen was finally marrying Gayle's father.
Magtatampo pa raw ito sa akin kapag hindi ako umuwi. Ayoko namang ma-miss ang
espesyal na 'yon sa buhay niya. Who would have guessed that the youngest among us
would be the first to get married and start a family?
Ma'am Anne nodded slowly, taking in my words.

Well, totoo naman ang sinabi ko sa kanya. Kahit nagkakasakit ako ay pinipilit kong
pumasok. Kahit marami akong kailangang gawin sa graduate school noon, pinipilit
kong isabay ang pagtatrabaho.

"I guess I'll have this approved then," sabi niya. "Congratulazioni al tuo amico,"
she added, congratulating my friend.

"Grazie, signora," nangingiti namang pagpapasalamat ko.

"Stop calling me that." Pabirong umirap siya. "While you're there, why don't you
have a look at some of the universities?"

"Para saan po?"

She shrugged. "Your doctorate."

Umiling agad ako. "I'll be back in nine weeks, ma'am. I have no plans to study
there."

She leaned back in her chair and looked at me with amusement.

"Your credentials as a topnotcher, psychometrician in PAI-Milan and PAI-Ferrara,

registered psychologist and counselor with a master's degree from an international
university . . ." Umiling-iling siya. "I can't imagine how big you'll make it in
the Philippines, Amari."

"Italy is where I plan to stay permanently, ma'am," giit ko.

She chuckled. "Okay, then. I don't want you to finish Vina and Chin's careers
either," tukoy niya kina Dr. Fujimoto at Mrs. Dela Paz na matalik niyang mga
kaibigan.

Tumawa lang ako. Those two were well-established. Nothing could ruin their names.

"Now, do everything you need to do, take on the clients you need to take on, and
talk to the employees with irregularity reports." She looked at my letter and
nodded. "After that, you can pack your bags."

Chapter 28 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 28

Tuwang-tuwa si Karsen nang ibalita ko sa kanya ang pag-uwi ko dahil wala raw siyang
maisip na papalit sa akin.

Mill would be the reporter for Karsen's wedding because it would be televised as
she was marrying Kobe, a well-known public personality in the Philippines. Si Kat
naman ang maghahatid sa kanya sa altar kaya wala na talagang ibang magiging maid of
honor kung hindi ako.

While on the airplane, thinking about what I would do during my nine-week stay
there, I calculated the number of days I've spent in Italy.

4 years, 8 months, 1 week, and 6 days.

No breaks. No time off. Matagal-tagal din. Halos limang taon.

The first year when I transferred to Ferrara was hard because I was still
adjusting, but with Ma'am Anne's help, I managed. Sinabi niya sa akin kung saan pa
ako dapat mag-improve. She provided feedback on my work, but I didn't let it affect
how I felt about myself. Mahirap ding isabay ang pag-aaral, pero dahil sapat naman
na ang kinikita ko at ang oras na mayroon ako, nagawa ko naman.

Akala ko noon ay mabagal ang pagtakbo ng oras pero napagtanto kong sa bawat
paghakbang ko ay unti-unti ko ring naaabot ang pangarap ko.

I was an emotionally weak, barely 23-year-old woman who was too dependent on
others' words before. But now that I'm 27, I can say that I'm an accomplished woman
who has learned from life. I felt like I'd matured and grown into the person the
young Amari wanted to be.

Ganoon yata talaga. For us to move forward, we have to let go of things that slow
us down, weigh us down, and make it hard for us to get where life wants us to go.

Mahirap 'yon. Walang sapat na salita ang makakapaglarawan kung gaano kahirap alisin
ang mga nakasanayan, kung gaano kahirap ibaon sa limot ang mga alaala.

But if doing and going through that will make you the version of yourself you've
always desired to be, then screw everything and everyone. At the end of the day,
wala kang ibang aasahan kung hindi ang sarili mo. We can't wait for others to wipe
our own damn tears because we were given the hands to do it ourselves.

"Mari!"

Ang pamilyar na boses ng mga kaibigan ko ang sumalubong sa akin nang makalabas ako
ng airport. I looked over and saw them coming toward me. Buhat ni Karsen ang
ngayo'y may kalakihan nang anak. Nakangiti ito at kumakaway sa akin. Si Mill naman
ay tumatakbo na para bang may humahabol sa kanya. At si Kat ay malamlam ang tingin
sa akin habang may maliit na ngiti sa labi.

Their faces immediately warmed my heart.

I am home now.

After making my way through life on my own, I am finally home.

Hindi na ako nagulat nang si Mill ang unang makalapit sa akin. She cradled me
tightly in her arms, granting my request for a hug that I asked her a few years
back. Niyakap ko siya pabalik at naramdaman ko ang lalong pagsiksik niya sa akin.

"Na-miss mo 'ko, 'no?" nangingiting tanong ko.

"Maldita ka kasi!" tanging naisagot niya.

Nang makalapit sa amin sina Karsen at Kat ay para kaming mga tangang nag-iyakan
doon. I felt like I was back where I belonged. Na kahit nasa Italy na ang buhay ko,
uuwi at uuwi ako para sa mga taong 'to.

"Danda mo, nangnang," sabi sa akin ni Gayle habang nasa sasakyan kami. Titig na
titig pa siya sa akin na para bang namamangha siyang nakikita niya ako.

Driver ni Kobe ang sumundo sa akin, at sa ngayon, dahil nakalipat naman na sina
Karsen at Gayle sa bahay ng lalaki ay sa apartment muna ako ni Mill mag-s-stay. It
was more practical than having to check into a hotel. Isa pa ay gusto ko rin silang
makasama nang mas matagal.
"Gayle, hindi ka namin pinalaking sinungaling . . ."

I rolled my eyes. Of course, Mill has to say something!

"Sus, Millicent. Buong linggo ka ngang puyat kasi excited kang makauwi 'yan," pang-
aasar naman ni Kat.

"Yuck!"

I laughed at them, shaking my head slightly, as I bent down to kiss Gayle's cheek.

"You're a big girl na, baby," bulong ko. "Nagiging kamukha mo na ang mommy mo."

Her smile widened and her chubby cheeks reddened a bit. Sumandal siya kay Karsen
kaya pasimple kong hinaplos ang tuktok ng ulo niya bago umayos ng upo.

"Mimi, danda nangnang, 'no?" narinig ko pang tanong niya sa ina.

Tumawa si Karsen. "Grabe, gandang-ganda siya sa 'yo."

I shrugged. "Nasanay yata sa kapangitan ni Mill, eh."

"Grabe, lalong sumama ang ugali mo! Bumalik ka na nga sa Italy!"

Buong byahe yata kaming nagtawanan at nagkwentuhan. We talked about the wedding and
listened to Gayle's stories about her dolls. Malaki na ang naging improvement niya.
Parang dati ay pag-iyak lang ang kaya niyang gawin. Pero ngayon, nakakaintindi na
siya at nakikisabay pa sa tawanan namin.

Mabilis kaming nakarating sa apartment at pinagpahinga muna ako ni Kat habang

inihahanda ang kakainin namin. Dito rin muna siya mag-s-stay hanggang sa maikasal
si Karsen.

Everything had changed, but it still felt the same. Siguro ay dahil sa mga taong
kasama ko. I missed out on too much of their lives, but I didn't feel like I did
because they treated me as if I had never left. Parang kahit gaano kalayo ang
marating ko, may tatakbuhan pa rin ako.

Sa ikaapat na linggo ko rito magaganap ang kasal kaya ginawa ko na ang mga gusto at
plinano kong gawin.

I ate all the street food I had missed, went to some old libraries to get ideas for
my future dissertation, and practiced for the wedding. Sa gabi naman ay ginugulo ko
sina Mill at Kat kaya madalas ay nauuwi kami sa pagtulog sa iisang kwarto kahit na
may isa pa namang bakante.

It was warm and homey . . . unlike my place in Italy.

I had met Karsen's fiancé before when they were still in the getting-to-know-you
stage, and I couldn't blame her for falling head over heels for that hunk. I mean,
aside from being a good person in general . . . he was freaking hot! And god!
Seeing him look at my friend with such fondness makes me feel a deep sense of
gratitude for him.

Our youngest . . . our baby . . . deserves nothing but happiness. At kung si Kobe
ang taong nakapagbigay noon sa kanya, hindi ko para kwestyunin ang relasyon nila.
I'm sure he had proven himself worthy of Karsen's love already.
"Ang aga nga nilang ikasal, eh! Dapat kapag teenager na si Gayle!" reklamo ni Mill
habang nakatingin sa DSLR camera niya.

Tumawa ako. Para kaming nagkabaligtad. Noon ay siya ang kumukunsinti kay Karsen,
pero ngayon ay parang ayaw na ayaw niya sa nangyayari.

"Napakabitter mo," sabi ko pa. "Maayos naman si Kobe, ah? Saka mukhang masaya naman
sa kanya 'yong mag-ina."

"Ewan ko nga d'yan kay Mill! Nasuntok niya na't lahat, galit na galit pa rin," saad
naman ni Kat.

"Nasuntok?!"

Napalingon ako kay Mill. I didn't know that!

"Ano na namang sumapi sa 'yo at nanakit ka?"

Ngumisi siya, tutok pa rin ang mga mata sa camera. "Deserve niya."

"Napakabayolente mo talaga . . ." umiiling na sabi ko.

Her grin widened as if she was thinking of something horrible. "May isa pa nga
akong gustong sapakin, eh. Hindi ko lang alam kung nasaan."

"Sino naman?"

Ibinaba niya ang camera at tumingin sa akin, para bang hinihintay niya lang akong
itanong iyon.

"'Yong hinayaan kang mag-isa sa Italy."

"Millicent . . ." suway ni Kat. "Be sensitive, can't you?"

Sumandal ako sa upuan ko at ngumiti. "Kat, it's okay! Si Leon ba?"

Mill laughed. "Ang kaswal, ah!"

Nagkibit-balikat ako. "I don't think I still have feelings for him."

"Narinig ko na 'yan . . ." pang-aasar pa niya.

"I'm serious! I have nothing against him! Pagmamahal, galit, panghihinayang."

Umiling ako. "Wala."

It was true. I no longer think about him . . . ngayon na lang ulit dahil napag-
uusapan. Ni hindi ko na maalala kung kailan ko huling nasabi ang pangalan niya.
Well, I still hear his name every now and then because of Shaira and Thaddeus, but
there is no trace of him left in my heart.

I'm done dwelling on that chapter of my life . . . really.

Isa pa, ngayong umuwi ako rito ay handa akong marinig nang paulit-ulit ang pangalan
niya. I know my friends will bring him up. Especially my college friends. Iisang
batch naman kasi kami. It's not like I can avoid him forever.

"Hindi mo na iniiyakan?" Tinaasan ako ng kilay ni Mill. "Hindi ako naniniwala."

Napairap ako. "Excuse me? Simula no'ng lumipat ako sa Ferrara, hindi na, 'no! At
saka ano ba?! There's no point in crying over spilled milk! Mas umayos pa nga ang
buhay ko no'ng umalis siya."

The last sentence made my heart react a bit. Alam ko namang mas mabuting wala kami
sa buhay na isa't isa . . . I just never said it out loud before. Parang
nakakapanibago tuloy sabihin.

"I'm happy for you if that's the case, Mari," untag ni Kat. "Hindi mo na siya
nababanggit sa 'kin kaya akala ko ay hindi ka pa nakaka-move on."

I smiled. "Kaya hindi ko na siya nababanggit kasi hindi ko na siya naaalala."

I've unlearned how to love him, just like how I've unlearned how to love my
biological parents. Kung maayos ang lagay nila, edi okay. Kung hindi naman, edi . .
. wala akong pakialam. I have myself to focus on. Ni wala nga akong makapang galit
para kanila. I'm just grateful they're no longer in my life.

"Ipagdadasal ko na hindi ka magaya kay Karsen na nakikipagbalikan sa ex!"

pambubwisit ni Mill. "Madaming guwapo sa Italy. Ayusin mo ang mga desisyon mo sa
buhay at 'wag nang magmamahal ng ka-level mo ng talino."

I scoffed. He was smarter than me . . . but I'll take that.

"You didn't see me reuniting with Jin, did you?" I said. "Why do you think I'll
make a difference for Leon?"

"Sabi mo 'yan, ha?"

I just rolled my eyes in response.

Needless to say, Karsen and Kobe's wedding was spectacular. It took place in the
largest cathedral nationwide, and the theme was rose gold and silver, with most of
the attendees dressed in pale tints of the same colors. Even Karsen's wedding gown
was a soft shade of pink, studded with Swarovski crystals.

Naka-live ito sa lahat ng social media platforms at piling television channels.

Ipinagpapasalamat kong sanay ako sa crowd dahil alam kong maraming manonood ng
kasal. Fans of Kobe were waiting in lines outside the church, and the number of
people watching the live stream was way more than I expected.

"I love you so much, Kobe. I will always and forever be your number one fan . . ."

Sinubukan ko ang hindi umiyak habang pinakikinggan ang wedding vows ni Karsen para
sa lalaki. Na kahit parang ayaw silang tanggapin ng mundo ay nagawa nilang ipanalo
ang pagmamahalan nila.

I've seen firsthand how Kobe's songs have been her go-to method for relieving
stress, and to learn that she was seen by her idol . . . the young Karsen must be
really happy.

Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang ma-miss ang pakiramdam ng ganoong katinding pagmamahal.

For the past few years, I came home to an empty house and slept on an empty bed. Na
noong ini-announce na kasama ako sa list of graduates para sa master's degree ko ay
wala akong mapagsabihan at mapaglabasan ng saya.

I wanted to talk about it all day, but everyone was busy and the world didn't
revolve around me. I wanted to talk to someone who knew how hard it was for me to
achieve that, but I realized that no one had really seen my struggles.
Alam ng mga kaibigan kong pagod ako . . . pero pakiramdam ko ay wala na 'yong bigat
dahil pinagdadaanan naman 'yon ng lahat. Pagod ka, pero sanay naman ang lahat na
pagod ka. It wouldn't have much impact. Kaya minsan, mas mabuti pang sarilinin na
lang. At least you won't tire your loved ones more.

How many times do I have to tell you? I'm here. Kahit kaunting sakit, sabihin mo sa
'kin. You don't have to go through much because you can always share your pain with
me.

Agad akong umiling nang awtomatikong naglaro iyon sa utak ko. It was just a
freaking wedding, Amari! Stop making it about you! Remember how much that type of
love wore you down! And god! What happened to not remembering a thing about him?!

Gabi nang matapos ang kasal ay inulan ako ng chats ng college friends ko.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: potacca! kung hindi pa kita nakita sa tv, hindi ko man lang
malalamang nakauwi ka na! kaibigan mo ba talaga kami, ha?! hindi ka na queen!
dethroned ka na! @Amari Sloane Mendoza

Zoey Alfaro: Ikaw ba 'yong nasa TV sa kasal ni Kobe? Kailan ka pa umuwi at bakit
hindi mo sinasabi sa 'min?! Ang ganda mo lalo pero ang maldita mo pa rin!

Mary Grace Andrade: *same sa chat nila dahil tinatamad ako hahaha*

Zoey Alfaro: Ang daming nagtatanong ng pangalan mo sa comment section ng live

stream!

Shaira Ylane Chavez: may nakita akong pamilyar na pangalan na nanonood kanina
hahahahaha

Zoey Alfaro: Sino?

Shaira Ylane Chavez: secret, feeling ko nire-rewatch no'n ang live ngayon

Mary Grace Andrade: wow sino bang relevant sa buhay ni mari??? si leon???

Napanguso ako.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Tigilan 'yan.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: si ms. lubrica 'yung sinasabi ko 'te 'wag kang assuming hahaha

Naiiling na nagtipa na lang ulit ako ng chat.

Sinadya kong hindi ipaalam sa kanila na nandito na ako dahil plinano kong ilaan ang
unang apat na linggo ko kina Karsen, Gayle, Kat, at Mill, lalo at iyon lang ang
oras na mayroon sila para sayangin sa akin. Karsen has to leave for her honeymoon,
Kat has to return to the province, and Mill has a lot of paperwork to deal with.

Marami pa akong natitirang araw at doon ko binabalak ang pakikipagkita sa iba pang
mga kaibigan. Nalaman lang talaga nila nang mas maaga pero sasabihin ko rin naman
sa kanila.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: i-mo-move ko ang gender reveal party ko for u, @Amari Sloane
Mendoza

Amari Sloane Mendoza: No need. We can still hang out without doing that.
Shaira Ylane Chavez: nope. i want to celebrate it with u <3

Mary Grace Andrade: translation: bumili ka ng gift na mamahalin <3

The following days flew by like a dream. Pakiramdam ko nga ay ngayon lang ako
nakapagpahinga nang ganito katagal. I've been busy all my life, at ngayon ko lang
naintindihan ang mga taong gustong-gustong magbakasyon. I had become a workaholic,
so I didn't think that a break would be so refreshing.

Puting blazer dress ang isinuot ko para sa gender reveal party na sinasabi ni
Shaira . . . which I regretted. Bukod kasi sa hindi ko alam na dalawang oras pala
ang layo ng resort sa apartment ay hindi ko pa naisip na iba ang init sa Pilipinas.

Zoey Alfaro: Nasaan ka na? Shaira was livid.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Wait. Ang traffic. Will be there in 30.

Nag-iinit na ang puwit ko sa tagal ng byahe. Nakakainis! Ngayon ko na nga lang ulit
makikita ang mga kaibigan at nagawa ko pang ma-late! Nakakahiya tuloy kay Shaira na
sinadyang itapat ngayong araw ang gender reveal party dahil nandito ako. The
original date was two days after I left for Italy.

Mabuti na lang at marami akong skincare products na binili para sa kanya! She had
been complaining about her pregnancy skin for weeks!

I got there in exactly twenty-seven minutes, almost an hour late for the event.
Inipon ko ang hanggang baywang na buhok sa kaliwang balikat ko at sinuklay iyon
gamit ang kamay. Bahagya ko ring pinaypayan ang leeg lalo at ramdam kong medyo
pinagpapawisan ako.

I was still outside the resort when the door of a car in the parking lot slammed
shut. Agad akong napatingin sa pinagmulan noon. It was a red car with a heavily
tinted windshield and windows. Magtatagal pa sana ang titig ko roon ngunit mabilis
na umalis ang driver na para bang nagmamadali siya.

"Shit," kinakabahang bulong ko sa sarili.

Sigurado akong bisita iyon nina Shaira at Thaddeus. Pero . . . bakit paalis na
siya? Tapos na ba ang program? Ganoon na ba ako ka-late?!

I breathed deeply to calm myself. Mas magagalit si Shaira kapag nag-inarte pa ako
rito sa labas kaya nagdesisyon akong pumasok na sa loob. Dumapo agad ang tingin ko
sa mesa nina Zoey at Meg kasama ang iba pa naming schoolmate noong college.

"Thank you for coming and seeing our first steps as parents of our son," sabi ni
Shaira sa mga bisita.

Oh, son . . . tapos na nga?! Pero isang oras pa lang! Wala bang program?!

I looked at Shaira, feeling a bit frustrated. There was a hazy blue smoke in the
background as she was talking. Malaki na ang tiyan niya na bumagay naman sa awra ng
mukha niya. She was glowing. Hiyang siya sa pagbubuntis.

"Thank you for giving us time—"

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad papunta sa mesa nina Zoey, sinusubukang huwag gumawa ng
ingay, nang mapatigil si Shaira sa pagsasalita kaya muli akong napatingin sa kanya.

And yes, she was already glaring at me!

"Unlike my college friend, Amari Sloane Mendoza, who was late again, like she was
in some of our classes and even at camp before!" she ranted. "Ikaw ang dahilan kung
bakit ko inagahan 'tong party party na 'to tapos hindi mo naman pala makikitang
umulan ng asul dito!"

Tuluyan akong napatigil sa paglalakad nang lumingon ang lahat sa likuran kung saan
ako nakatayo. I heard my classmates laugh and call my name right away, but I was
left standing there, giving Shaira a hard look.

Bwisit na babae talaga!

"Ay nako, 'wag akong panlisikan ng mata ng mga late!" dagdag niya pa kaya lalong
lumakas ang tawanan.

I pursed my lips as I continued walking toward my classmates' table. Mamaya na lang

ako hihingi ng paumanhin dahil hindi naman talaga tamang na-late ako!

Mabilis na kumustahan lang ang nangyari sa mga kasama ko sa mesa dahil madalas din
naman kaming magkakausap online. Nothing remarkable had changed about anyone's
appearance, but our features had matured. Especially those who had given birth.

"Kuminis ka," komento ni Zoey na kanina pa sinusundot ang pisngi ko. "And your
curls become bouncier."

"Maganda ang European skin and hair care products. Tell me your skin type and I'll
send you some once I go back."

"Ay grabe, kayo lang ang friends?" singit ni Meg.

Napatawa ako. "Oo na. Pati ikaw."

Pumalakpak ito. "Iba ang nagawa ng hangin sa 'yo ng Italy. Parang kami lang ang
tumatanda!"

"Right? Ang unfair!" sabi naman ni Zoey.

Inirapan ko sila. "I don't have any money. Wag n'yo akong bolahin."

But of course, they didn't stop. Lalo si Zoey. She said that my figure had an
hourglass shape and that my skin was so radiant that she couldn't help but stare.
Sinisimangutan ko na lang siya. Paano ay parang hindi niya ako nakaka-video call.

However, Zoey was always like that. She kept giving me praise and compliments like
she didn't know me. Kahit naman kasi noong college ay gustong-gusto niya ang mukha
ko.

I tried to blend into the crowd. Sumasagot ako sa mga tipikal na tanong tungkol sa
trabaho ko. If it weren't for Shaira, Meg, and Zoey, some of them wouldn't know
that I was already a licensed psychologist. Hindi ko naman para i-announce 'yon
gaya ng ginawa ng tatlo nang malaman nilang naipasa ko ang exam.

"Nakita n'yo ba si Leon?"

Thaddeus' question drew my attention to him. Nakatayo siya sa gilid ng table namin
habang si Shaira ay nakikipag-usap na sa ibang mga bisita.

Ramdam ko ang pagbaling sa akin ng mga nakarinig noon.

I bit my lower lip. For some reason, after hearing he was actually here, I felt a
little self-conscious.

Alam ko namang hindi imposibleng magkrus ang landas namin lalo at may mutual
acquaintances kami. Handa naman ako kung sakaling magkita nga kami. It shouldn't be
much of a problem. It's been years and I'm sure we're both doing well, so I don't
know why I'm feeling a bit uneasy.

"Oo nga, nasaan 'yon?" Zoey asked, finally getting over her minor habit of
lavishing praise upon me.

Lumingon siya sa paligid.

"Nandito lang siya kanina pero no'ng dumating 'tong si Mari, hindi ko na napansin."

I swear, I saw how surprised some of our schoolmates were when Zoey brought me up.
Malamang, alam nilang mag-ex kami! Hindi ko sigurado kung sinong nagsabing break na
kami . . . pero obvious naman 'yon!

I protruded my lips to stop my thoughts.

"Yeah, I didn't see him either," sabi ko pa. "Baka nand'yan lang 'yon. Hindi naman
siguro siya aalis nang hindi nagpapaalam sa inyo."

Our relationship was private, but it wasn't a secret, so everyone who heard me
talking about him looked at me as if I had said something strange.

Pinandilatan ko sila ng mata. "What?"

Thaddeus just laughed. "Tatawagan ko na lang. Thank you."

Ipinagkibit-balikat ko na lang ang nangyari. We ate, and nothing much happened,

aside from Shaira's banter about me.

Dahil majority ng mga bisita ay relatives nina Thaddeus at Shaira ay nag-swimming

agad ang mga ito matapos ang event. Ang iba naman naming kaklase at ka-batch ay
nagpaalam nang umuwi. Meg, Zoey, and I were the only ones left in there. Even
Thaddeus' closest friends chose not to stay longer.

Pinapunta kami ni Shaira sa isang private room doon. There was wine and alcohol in
there, but, of course, she wasn't allowed to drink. Good thing I was wearing a
bikini underneath my dress, so I took it off and put on a robe. Masyado kasing
mainit at wala naman akong dalang damit.

"Nag-text si Leon kay Deus," sabi ni Shaira nang makalabas ako ng banyo. "May
emergency raw sa trabaho."

I just nodded. Hindi ko naman siya hinahanap . . . at wala naman akong pakialam.

"Akala ko nag-leave siya ngayon?" tanong ni Zoey.

I climbed into bed with them and quickly poured some wine into the glass that was
sitting on the bedside table. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni Meg.

"Hindi ko nga alam, eh. Feeling ko kaya umalis 'yon kasi alam niyang paparating si
Mari," sagot ni Shaira na nakapagpasimangot sa akin.

I took a sip from the glass and glared at her.

"Matagal na kaming tapos kaya tigilan mo 'yang ilusyon mo," sabi ko.

Ngumuso siya. "Naiinis kasi ako! Excited pa naman akong magkita kayo!"

"Same!" singit ni Meg. "Ang galing nga nitong si Mari, eh! Hindi man lang nagbago
ang itsura no'ng nabanggit ni Thaddeus si Leon!"

"Ba't naman magbabago ang itsura ko? It's not like our breakup happened yesterday."
I rested my back on the headboard of the bed. "Ba't ba parang bago sa inyo na naka-
move on na 'ko? Hindi ba kayo sanay na makitang maayos ang relasyon ng mag-ex?"

"Well, your name is like a curse whenever we're with Leon. Umaalis talaga siya
kapag ikaw ang napag-uusapan," sabi naman ni Zoey na ngayon ay nagsasalin na rin ng
wine sa glass niya. "Or . . . parang nagbabago 'yong mood niya. Hindi ko lang din
sure kasi hindi naman ako magaling mag-observe."

I couldn't help but laugh at what she said.

"You guys are clearly overthinking things," nangingiting saad ko. "Maayos kaming
naghiwalay ni Leon. There's no reason for us to be bitter."

"Sabagay . . ." Shaira muttered.

"Right?"

"Years and I still can't believe you broke up. Kasi to be honest, I can't picture
you with anyone else but him . . . or maybe it's just my young heart still rooting
for you two." She sighed. "Nasaktan din ako no'ng nalaman kong naghiwalay kayo.
It's hard to see a love so great and rare come to an end."

"Hayaan na. Matagal naman na. Hindi lang talaga natin napag-usapan . . ." saad ni
Meg.

"Alam ko naman. Eh, bakit ba? Affected din ako, eh!" sagot ni Shaira. "I literally
cried at Leon's graduation speech!"

"Huy, pati 'yong debates na mapapa-shut up ka! Grabe, ang tagal na pala no'n?!"

Natahimik ako.

Shaira's words took me back to the times when she constantly paired me with Leon.
Simula first year kami, sa lalaki niya na ako ipinagtutulakan. Her trolling was one
of the major factors that led me to fall in love with him. Nabigyan ko ng ibang
kulay ang mga ginagawa nito dahil sa pang-aasar niya.

At some point . . . I missed it. I miss hanging out with everyone and I miss the
feeling of being in love. Okay naman ako. Ramdam kong may kulang, pero kuntento.

I mean, what more could I ask for? I have a long list of successes that I
accomplished entirely on my own, and I can now buy everything I want instead of
having to deprive myself.

"Tama na nga! Mari has moved on! Cheers to the healed hearts na lang!" sigaw ni
Meg. "Maging masaya na lang tayo dahil naging mas maayos sila."

Sa palitan ng kwentuhan ay hindi naalis sa utak ko si Leon. Ngayon ko na lang ulit

napagnilay-nilayan ang simula, gitna, at naging wakas ng relasyon namin. Hindi ko
inaasahan na sa kaunting pakikipag-usap lang sa mga taong nakasaksi ng pagmamahalan
namin noon ay mapagtatanto kong may kirot pa rin . . . na may maliit ngunit pinong
sakit pa rin.

I never entertained suitors after breaking up with him. May mga ilang nagpaparamdam
pero hindi na ako sumubok ulit. I gave myself the improvement I needed and
nourished my broken inner peace.

"Queen . . ." mahinang tawag sa akin ni Shaira nang makatulog ang dalawa.

"Hmm?"

"Are you happy?"

Napangiti ako. She was serious. Hindi ako sanay.

"Oo," sagot ko. "I'm living out my dreams, getting many things I worked hard for,
buying—"

"I mean . . ." Her voice was hushed. ". . . without all of that, are you really
happy?"

It was just a simple and overused question, but it struck a chord with my being.

"Don't get me wrong, okay? Proud ako sa lahat ng accomplishment mo at alam kong
pinaghirapan mo 'yan . . . but all these years, kapag naaalala kita, ang naiisip ko
lang . . . nakakapagpahinga ka kaya? May napagkukwentuhan ka kaya kung gaano
kapangit ang araw mo? May nag-aalaga kaya sa 'yo kapag may sakit ka?"

I gulped as my chest tightened. Ayoko nito. Thinking about what is missing in my

life will only make me sad.

"I know you're an independent woman, but I can't help but wonder how your heart
really is." Nagbuntong-hininga siya. "Ewan, it must be my hormones speaking. 'Wag
mo na lang akong pansinin."

But, no. It stayed with me. It touched a nerve so deep within my being that I
couldn't ignore it. It made me rethink my intention to go back to Italy, where I
had nothing but my successes to fall back on. Wala akong uuwian doon. Walang
sasalubong sa akin sa airport. Walang gagawa ng adjustments para lang makasama ako.

Without even realizing it, I started looking into different universities to see if
they offered doctoral programs. Wala akong detelyadong plano, pero sinubukan ko. I
even sent an email to VDMH asking if they have any openings for psychologists or
counselors.

From: Unknown Number

Hi, Mari. This is Ms. Lubrica. Kilala mo pa ba 'ko?

From: Unknown Number

Kay Zoey ko nakuha ang number mo. I'm just wondering if I can meet you.

One week before my flight . . . which I wasn't sure if I'd push through . . . I
received those messages.

To: Ms. Lubrica

Sure, ma'am! Sa university na lang din po ba?

From: Ms. Lubrica

Thank goodness. Yes! Sa classroom n'yo na lang siguro since vacant naman na 'yon.
Is tomorrow okay?

We set the schedule, and I don't know what got into me, but I was a little excited
about going back to my old school.

I found the answer when I walked into the familiar university. Ang waiting shed,
ang tarpaulins namin ni Leon na nakadikit pa rin sa gate, ang building ng library,
ang activity center kung saan kami gumraduate . . . lahat. It triggered such strong
feelings of nostalgia in me that I couldn't help but think back on everything that
happened there.

At sa lahat ng alaala ko, may isang taong palaging nandoon.

Nasa pinto pa lang ako ng classroom namin ay kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa pamilyar
na tunog sa loob. I could hear the soft hymn from Karsen and Kobe's wedding being
played, particularly the part when I was walking down the aisle.

"Ma'am?" I muttered as I knocked on the door.

Pinapanood niya ang live stream ng kasal? What for? Ang sabi ni Shaira ay napanood
niya naman 'yon.

Hinawakan ko ang doorknob at unti-unting binuksan ang pinto.

The old yet comforting smell of the whiteboard markers, wooden armchairs, and the
overall scent of the classroom greeted me.

I looked around only to find an unexpected person sitting there, lips slightly
apart while holding a cellphone with my . . . face on it . . . the exact moment
when the cameraman got a close-up shot of me.

Hindi agad ako nakagalaw. We were only a few chairs away from each other, and I
could see how his eyes, even beneath the glasses, reflected a range of emotions I
wouldn't dare name.

The scene was too familiar. Saksi ang apat na sulok ng classroom na 'to kung paano
kami nagsimula . . . at hindi ko inaasahan na magiging saksi rin 'to sa unang
pagkikita namin.

I said I'd be ready when I saw him. I said I was prepared because I had already
moved on.

Pero ngayong kaharap ko siya, ni wala akong masabi. Parang inalisan ako ng
kakayahang makapagsalita.

"Sit down," he said faintly, turning his cellphone off. "You're wearing heels. Baka
mangalay ka."

Tumayo siya at kinuha ang isang electric fan. He plugged it in, and I just stood
there, watching him do it.

"Dito ka ba uupo?" he asked as he motioned to my usual seat.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. Itinapat niya roon ang electric fan bago muling bumalik
sa upuan niya.
Habang naglalakad papunta sa puwesto ko ay naninikip ang dibdib ko.

I had only been here for a few minutes . . . I had only seen him for a few
minutes . . . but the years I spent convincing myself that I had forgotten about
him just forced me to travel back to the beginning, slapping me with the truth that
deep within me, there was still a tiny piece of my heart that couldn't let go of
him.

Chapter 29 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 29

We were engulfed by an awkward silence.

Hindi ko siya magawang kumustahin. My mind was all screwed up. He talked to me
casually . . . and he watched the live stream! At talagang nagkataon pa na mukha ko
ang nakabalandra doon! It must be a coincidence . . . or maybe it just happened to
show up in his newsfeed. Wala namang rason para sadyain niyang panoorin iyon.

I didn't know he had social media accounts already. Hindi naman kasi siya kasali sa
group chat naming magkakaklase. Isa pa, I didn't look up his name on any social
media platform. Gaya ng sabi ko, matagal-tagal na rin noong huli siyang dumaan sa
isip ko.

So, being in the Philippines and hearing people talk about him kind of made me
think of him from time to time. Ewan ko ba. Parang pilit ipinapaalala ng mga tao sa
paligid ko na minsan siyang naging parte ng buhay ko.

"Mari, hi!"

Nakuha ni Ms. Lubrica ang atensyon ko. She closed the door behind her with a huge
smile on her face.

"Sorry, medyo na-late. May isinubmit lang ako sa dean's office," aniya pa habang
naglalakad patungo sa mesa sa unahan.

Despite the tension building in my core, I smiled at her.

"Nice seeing you again, ma'am."

Mabini siyang tumawa. "It's my pleasure, madame."

My smile turned into a soft laugh. She then turned to face Leon, and I had to fight
the urge to follow her gaze.

"Kanina ka pa?" tanong niya sa lalaki.

"No, ma'am," he replied, his voice clear and deep, just like how I remembered it.

Tumango-tango si Ms. Lubrica. "Okay, lapit kayo rito. You don't have to sit across
from each other because we're not going to have lessons, you know." She chuckled
but stopped midway. "Oh, Mari . . . will that be alright?"

I breathed deeply, trying to kill the pressure within me. Tumayo ako at walang
pagdadalawang-isip na pumunta sa unahan.

"Of course, ma'am," I said confidently as I pulled up a chair in front of her

table.
"If that's the case, I must have asked the wrong person . . ." Sumilip siya sa
puwesto ni Leon. "Ikaw? Will you be comfortable?"

Hindi ko binigyan ng kahulugan ang sinabi niya. She was aware of our past
relationship because of that silly drawing Leon did on a personality test. At
syempre, sa pag-akto namin ngayon, imposibleng hindi niya malaman na hiwalay na
kami.

Narinig ko ang pagtawa ni Ma'am kahit na hindi naman sumagot ang lalaki. From my
peripheral vision, I could see him pulling up a chair in front of the table, and
just making sure that there was a distance between us.

Naamoy ko agad ang pamilyar na bango niya. That manly, crisp, but fresh scent.

I could remember waking up to that smell . . . the only thing he left behind for me
to remember him before.

"I wouldn't beat around the bush," Ms. Lubrica said. "The board exam for
psychometricians is approaching, and I'd like you to review our graduating students
because we want to produce more students like you two."

Napakurap ako. "But . . . I'm leaving in six days, ma'am."

"Babalik ka sa Italy?" She looked like she was taken aback. "You're not here for
good?"

"Pinag-iisipan ko pa po," pag-amin ko. "I actually want to start a career here, but
I've grown to love working in Italy, so I'm a little confused."

"Mari, trust me. You're a big deal already. Ikaw ang hahabul-habulin dito," saad
niya.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. In fact, a lot of companies and clinics had sent
me emails and messages, but I kept ignoring them because if I were to work here, I
would choose VDMH, where the environment was healthy.

Isa pa . . . hindi rin talaga ako sigurado. The only reason I didn't tell anyone
why I intended to work here was that I wanted to feel something again.

"I'm sure she has made a name in Italy as well, ma'am," biglang sabi ni Leon.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. He had a serious look on his face, and his eyes were fixed
on Ms. Lubrica.

"I know, okay?"

Huminga ako nang malalim at muling ibinalik ang atensyon sa unahan.

What does he mean by that? Alam niya bang maayos na ang buhay ko ro'n o ayaw niya
lang na tanggapin ko ang offer dahil ayaw niya akong makatrabaho?

"Our students are unmotivated to review, and this is the only way I can get them to
do it." Ms. Lubrica heaved a sigh. "Maraming nag-enroll sa BS Psychology dito
pagkatapos n'yong maka-graduate. The admins were expecting these students to not
only pass the board exam but also follow your steps, pero so far . . . wala pa."

Tumikhim ako. "Ma'am, all students have different levels of intelligence. They
should make their own paths, not follow ours."
She nodded. "Alam ko . . . pero ngayon, kinukwestyon ng admins ang credibility ng
ibang teachers. Only Leon was spared."

"Spared?" I asked, a bit surprised. "He's teaching here?"

"Part-time, yes." She glanced at him. "Every weekend, actually. Katatapos lang ng
klase niya kanina. He's handling four sections."

Parang wala ang lalaki sa paligid dahil hindi naman siya nagsalita. I didn't bother
to look at him because that was just an irrelevant piece of information. Nagulat
lang talaga ako. I never pictured him standing in front of a class, teaching.

"Well, I have to think about it, ma'am. Hindi pa rin po kasi talaga ako sigurado sa
mga plano ko," sabi ko.

Ngumuso siya. "Ikaw ba, Leon?"

"I'll accept, ma'am," tipid na sagot nito.

"Hindi ka naman na mahihirapang mag-adjust. The students know you already," she
said. "And Mari, kung tatanggapin mo ang offer, know that the students will be
divided into two batches. Ikaw ang magre-review sa isa at si Leon naman sa isa.
Same schedule but different rooms, of course."

Tumango na lang ako. Hindi ko talaga alam. I wanted to help Ms. Lubrica because she
was like a mother to me and was one of the reasons I became more interested in
psychology. Kaya lang, paano naman ang trabaho ko sa Italy? Shall I quit?

"I guess I'll just wait for your confirmation?"

"Yes, ma'am," sagot ko.

"Okay, then . . . thank you for giving me time. I know you're both busy, so this
means a lot to me." She took a deep breath and stood up. "Leon, ikaw na ang
bahalang magsarado ng classroom, ha? And Mari . . ." she trailed off, "I hope to
see you again."

Ibinalik ko ang upuan sa dating puwesto nito. Nauna nang lumabas si Ms. Lubrica ng
classroom dahil may tatapusin pa raw siyang lesson plan. It's Saturday so I think
her classes are over . . . same goes with Leon.

There comes the awkward silence again. Pilit kong ikinakalma ang sarili dahil wala
namang rason para kabahan ako. I mean, I imagined seeing him and having a casual
conversation with him. Sigurado naman kasi akong wala na kaming pakialam sa isa't
isa.

Also, he might be in a relationship now. With Psyche, perhaps. He tutored her

privately. Who knows what happens behind closed doors, right? And if he's happy
with her, then that's . . . great. The girl is beautiful and well-off. Probably the
perfect girl for him.

"About the live . . ." he said, drawing my attention to him.

My heart hammered, but I didn't let the tension show on my face. Tumingin ako sa
kanya. Nagtaas din ako ng kilay habang naghihintay sa susunod niyang sasabihin.

He looked away as he aligned the chairs. "It was just a cropped clip that randomly
showed up in my news feed. Pinanood ko lang. Hindi ko alam na nandoon ka."
Okay, question answered. That made more sense than just assuming that he watched it
for me.

Nagkibit-balikat ko. "The explanation is not needed, but thank you for that."

Naglakad ako papunta sa pinto. There was no way I'd stay here for another minute.
He felt suffocating to be with. Hindi kasi ako nakapaghanda ng pagkikita namin
dito. I thought that if I ran into him again, it would be because of Shaira,
Thaddeus, or one of our classmates. Wala naman kasing ibang nagkokonekta sa amin
bukod doon.

"Don't feel pressured to accept the offer," pahabol niya pa bago ako makalabas. "I
think you'll do better in Italy."

I chuckled sarcastically. Malakas ang kutob kong ayaw niya akong makatrabaho.
Siguro nga ay tama ang sinasabi nina Zoey na lumalayo siya kapag naririnig ang
pangalan ko. I wonder what I ever did to him. It wasn't like I broke up with him
for nothing.

"Again, the opinion is not needed . . . but thank you for that."

Hindi ko na siya hinintay na makapagsalita pa. Lumabas na ako ng silid at diretsong

naglakad papunta sa gate.

"I'll do better in Italy?" I whispered to myself. "Huh! I'll do better everywhere!"

Sino ba siya para magbigay ng opinyon sa buhay ko? We just saw each other, and his
suggestion was that I fly back to the country where our breakup took place? He must
be nuts! Para namang hindi niya ako kilala. My confusion is a sure sign that I
wasn't content in Italy! Alam niya na dapat 'yon! Siguradong-sigurado siya na
maayos ang buhay ko ro'n na parang hindi niya ako iniwan na walang-wala!

Kung ayaw niyang nandito ako, puwede niya namang diretsong sabihin sa 'kin. I
wouldn't take it against him. Ayoko rin namang makita siya.

I grunted. Why was I even mad?

Napatigil ako nang makita si Leon na naglalakad papunta sa isang pamilyar na pulang
sasakyan. Binuksan niya iyon at walang kahirap-hirap na sumakay roon.

If I remember correctly, that was the same car from Shaira's gender reveal party.
'Yong matuling na umalis at parang nagmamadali.

It was . . . his? So, sinadya niyang umalis no'ng araw na 'yon? Totoo kayang dahil
alam niyang . . . paparating ako? May point naman kasi si Zoey! Simula no'ng
dumating ako ay hindi na siya nakita ng mga kasama namin! Ano?! Totoong bitter siya
sa 'kin?!

I shook my head. May emergency sa trabaho, Amari. 'Wag kang tanga.

When I got home, there was no one there. Nakabalik na kasi si Kat sa probinsya at
si Mill naman ay nasa trabaho. Gustuhin ko mang hiramin si Gayle sa mga magulang
niya ay hindi ko naman magawa dahil kasama nila ang bata sa honeymoon nila. Ayaw
raw kasing magpaiwan.

Dumapa ako sa kama at nag-cellphone na lang. Shaira was too busy with her growing
baby bump, Meg and Zoey were both working, and so I had no one to hang out with.
Hindi ko naman masyadong ka-close ang iba kong kaklase.
I stalked my friends' Facebook accounts. Si Mill ay puro share lang ng mga balita,
chismis, at kritisismo sa gobyerno. Si Kat naman ay iisa lang ang post simula no'ng
ginawa niya ang account niya. Picture namin iyon noong mga bata pa kami. I was
behind Karsen, doing her messy braids. Mill was grinning at the camera and making a
peace sign on the top of my head as if it was a horn, and Kat’s head was resting on
Karsen's lap with a pencil and paper in her hands.

Kat doesn't even have a profile picture or a cover photo. Halatang ginawa niya lang
ito para masabing may account siya.

Karsen's account was packed with beautiful memories of her family. Kobe's
achievements and Gayle's improvements. May mga shared post din ito na naka-tag sa
amin. Most are friendship quotes.

Sunod kong tiningnan ang kina Zoey, Meg, at Shaira. Meg and Shaira were active, but
Zoey wasn't. Ang dalawa lang din ang madalas na magka-comment-an. Parang hindi
nagsasawa sa isa't isa. Most of their posts contain funny memes.

Shaira Ylane Chavez

welcome back sa fb world Leon! sorry kung hindi na-record ng tv namin, ha? napauwi
ka tuloy at napagawa pa ng account kahit meron naman sa youtube hahahaha :D

Napatigil ako sa pag-s-scroll nang mabasa iyon. It was posted the day Karsen got
married.

Shaira Ylane Chavez

ba't ka nag-a-angry sa mga nagtatanong ng pangalan huy hahahahahaha grabe kayo ang
happy pill ko talaga maliban kay baby daddy labyu Thaddeus

There were a few comments asking Shaira what she was talking about, but I think she
was just teasing Leon with me. Hindi ko alam na hindi pa pala siya tapos sa pagpu-
push sa amin. She was putting malice into everything! At hindi na ako dapat
magpadala!

Huminga ako nang malalim at tuluyang nagpatalo sa kuryosidad ko. I clicked on

Leon's account, and found nothing but a single shared post.

"All I want is one more day with you.

To talk about life, dreams, and hopes. To wake up in the morning with your hair all
over my arms. To feel the warmth of your presence in my chest. To be amazed
because, even at 3 o'clock in the morning, you look like a dream. To take your hand
in mine and gently kiss each one of your knuckles. To see many places only to
witness the whole world in your eyes.

I won't ask for a lifetime. I just want one more day. Just one more day with you."

Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko nang maramdaman ko ang pagkirot noon. It doesn't have a
caption, but the message of the post hit me deep in my soul.

It could be for anyone. He could have shared it with a person in mind.

Hindi ko malalaman kung sino 'yon . . . at hindi ko na rin gugustuhing malaman.

I closed the application and decided it would be better for me to go to some

libraries instead of just lying down here worrying about things I shouldn't be even
thinking about.

I was too lazy to do much more than throw my hair into a messy bun and put on some
jeans and a basic t-shirt. Dinala ko ang laptop ko at nagtungo muna sa malapit na
café para bumili ng iced coffee. I then went to public and academic libraries to
get as much information as I could. I even came upon an old book that had
confessions written by people who had been victims of unethical research practices.

"How long can I keep these?" tanong ko sa librarian habang ipinapatong ang mga
libro sa mesa.

"Three weeks," sagot nito. "Pa-fill out na lang nito at patingin ng ID . . ."

I handed her my ID and she took it right away. Yumuko na lang ako at nagfill-out ng
ibinigay niyang card.

Hindi pa naman ako aalis. I just wanted to borrow the books now so I wouldn't have
to wait in line later. This was the fourth library that I had visited, but it was
the only library in which I was able to find books that were suitable for my
reading preferences.

Sabagay, malaki rin naman kasi ito kumpara sa iba. Probably the biggest public
library in the region.

"Same old?" narinig kong tanong ng librarian sa bagong dating na borrower. "Tingnan
mo ang hiniram niya. Halos kapareho ng mga hinihiram mo."

After I finished filling out the card, I looked up and gave it to her. Naramdaman
ko ang nanunusok na tingin ng katabi ko kaya napalingon ako rito.

And of course, it has to be the one that my brain is trying so hard not to think
about!

He was still dressed in the same outfit. Dark denim jeans and a black long-sleeved
polo folded up to his elbow.

Tumikhim ako bago nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya.

Ano bang dapat sabihin kapag ganito? Long time no see o ikaw na naman?

"Magkakilala kayo?" usisa ng librarian.

She put aside the books I had borrowed, indicating she was done checking them out.

"Yes po," sabi ko dahil mukhang wala namang balak sumagot si Leon.

Kinuha ko ang mga libro at binitbit iyon sa bakanteng mesa. I glanced at the huge
glass windows and noticed that the sun was about to set, casting its rays into some
parts of the library.

Dahil weekend, marami ang estudyante sa loob. Most of the tables were occupied.
Maswerte nga ako at nakahanap ako ng puwesto.

Without looking back at Leon, I took a seat and started reading the Filipino
Psychology book that piqued my interest. Binuksan ko rin ang laptop ko para doon
ako makapag-take ng notes. I had a portable WiFi, so I could find related studies
online or look for dissertations that were connected to what I was reading.

"Sir, dito!"
"Shh!" suway ng librarian sa sumigaw na estudyante.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at mabilis na nakuha ni Leon ang atensyon ko. He was
carrying a stack of books and a laptop bag on his shoulder that I hadn't noticed
earlier. Naglakad siya patungo sa grupo ng mga estudyante na dalawang mesa lang ang
layo sa akin at tahimik na naupo roon.

Judging from their all-white uniforms and ID laces, they were obviously from
Central State University. Mga estudyante niya siguro.

Ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang mula sa librong binabasa ay bigla siyang nag-angat
ng tingin. He caught me looking at him in an instant, making my cheeks flush with
shame. It was just a sidelong glance, but I'm sure our eyes met! Siguradong iisipin
niyang pinapanood ko siya!

My heart hammered in my chest. Ako ang unang nagbawi ng tingin at nagpatay-malisya

sa nangyari. I did my best to ignore the discomfort I just felt and give my
undivided attention to the books. Inilipat ko rin ang upuan sa kabilang parte ng
mesa para matalikuran si Leon . . . and I think it helped.

I put in so much time reading and studying until my eyes hurt. Isinarado ko ang
laptop at tumayo para pumunta sa mga shelves. Sumilip ako sa puwesto nina Leon at
ng mga kasama niyang estudyante pero wala na sila roon. Hindi ko man lang napansin
na nakaalis na sila.

"Fuck," I murmured to myself as I lightly massaged my temple with the index and
middle fingers of my right hand.

It was past dinnertime and I was still here! Nakakainis talaga kapag nagugustuhan
ko ang mga binabasa ko. I wouldn't care about the time until my body asked for a
break. Mabuti na lang at 24/7 bukas 'tong library. Kung hindi ay siguradong
nasaraduhan na ako.

When I got to the very last shelf in the library, I made a phone call to Mill.

"Amari Sloane, may balak ka pa bang umuwi, ha?!" bungad niya.

Napatawa agad ako. "Nasa apartment ka na?"

"Hindi ba obvious?"

Hindi ko pinansin ang pag-aalburoto niya. "Sa labas na tayo mag-dinner. Chicken
wings? Samgyup? Steak and wine?"

"Nasaan ka ba?"

"Library."

"Library, eh. Punyetang 'yan." Tumawa siya. "27 ka na, 'yan pa rin ang me time mo?!
Maging unproductive ka naman, lintek ka!"

Napairap ako. "Okay, mag-c-club ako bukas at maghahanap ng prospect guy na puwedeng
maka-sex. Happy ka na?"

"Miss mo?" I could imagine her wiggling her brows.

"Shut up, Mill! I'm a virgin!"

"Gago? Halos isang taon kayong magka-live in ng ex mo, walang nangyari sa inyo?"

"Wala, okay? We didn't go further than kissing." I grunted. "At ano ba? Sunduin mo
na lang ako! Ang dami mong sinasabing walang kwenta!"

Lalo siyang tumawa. "Gentleman naman pala kaya ka nakuha. 'Wag na lang talaga
kayong magkikita ulit at baka matuloy pa ang naudlot."

"Ilang beses ko bang uulitin sa 'yo? I don't give a shit about Leon. Magkita man
kami, wala akong pakialam. I don't love him anymore, and I've known for a long time
that he's nothing but a phase in my life," litanya ko. "Sinabi niyang kalimutan ko
siya . . . so I did."

A fraction of my heart objected, but my brain, which governed everything, agreed.

We tried and we failed. It was as easy as that. 'Yong mga nararamdaman ko ngayon ay
epekto lang ng mga tao sa paligid ko.

The pounding in my chest, the twinge of nostalgia, the ache of longing . . . they
were all signs that the world was testing me to see if I had really moved on.

"Defensive mo, gago. Inaasar ka lang, eh." Narinig ko ang pagsarado ng pinto. "On
the way na 'ko. Saang library ba 'yan?"

I gave her the exact address before ending the call. Ibinulsa ko ang cellphone at
nagdesisyon nang bumalik sa mesa ko.

Two shelves away from where I made the phone call, I heard a faint sound of paper
being crumpled. Lumingon ako sa pinanggalingan noon at nakita si Leon na nakaupo sa
sahig. Nakayuko siya at nagbabasa habang may mangilan-ngilang nakabilog na papel sa
paligid niya. He must be making notes. There was also a small box of relieving
patches in his lap . . . probably because his head was spinning too.

Hindi ko alam na nandito pa pala siya. His glasses were sitting securely on the
prominent bridge of his nose even though his head was lowered. Naramdaman niya
sigurong may nakatingin sa kanya dahil bumaling siya sa akin.

His eyes were devoid of emotion, causing a hollow feeling to grow in my chest.

"Uhm . . ." I cleared my throat. "I'll go ahead."

I buried my finger in the seam of my jeans to avoid being embarrassed. Good thing I
didn't stutter.

Isang beses siyang tumango bago ibinalik ang tingin sa libro.

"Ingat," mahinang sabi niya pa.

I kept walking, and when I finally reached the table, I opened my mouth and let out
a shaky breath.

Narinig niya ba ang pinag-usapan namin ni Mill? He was too close not to! Sigurado
naman akong nauna siya sa puwestong 'yon . . . pero narinig niya kaya? He may have
accidentally eavesdropped . . . just like the old times. Ba't ba kasi ang hilig-
hilig niyang pumunta sa mga sulok?!

I fixed my things and got my head straight. Eh, ano naman kung narinig niya? Mabuti
nga 'yon! At least, alam niyang tapos na ako sa kanya. He wouldn't assume I still
had feelings for him with all the glances we'd shared.
Isa pa, wala na rin namang bigat sa kanya 'yon. Sooner or later, we might start
treating each other with a lot more informality, and after that, who knows? We
might even wind up becoming friends. Mukha namang casual lang siya sa 'kin. Ganoon
din dapat ako sa kanya.

I bit my lower lip frustratedly. Amari, stop fucking thinking, will you?!

Lumabas lang ako nang mag-text si Mill na nasa labas na siya. We ate at a barbecue
restaurant because she was in the mood for alcohol.

Pilit kong binura sa isip ko si Leon. For heaven's sake, today was just the first
time I've seen him after all these years! Give my brain a freaking break!

"Maging magaling lang akong journalist, magkakaroon ako ng sarili kong show,"
aniya. "Hindi ko kailangang magmakaawa kay chief na bigyan ako ng assignment."

I pursed my lips. "May attitude problem pa rin?"

Lagi niyang reklamo ang matandang lalaki tuwing magkausap kami noon. He was
basically the reason why Mill was stressed out at work.

"Oo!" sabi niya. "Pasasalamat ko pa ngang binigay niya sa 'kin 'yong kasal ni
Karsen. Pinakamahabang TV exposure ko 'yon tapos nangarag pa ang boses ko." Kinuha
niya ang baso at diretsong ininom ang alak sa loob no'n. "Tangina kasi! Hindi ko
alam kung reporter ba 'ko o taga-timpla lang nila ng kape!"

She went on ranting about her work, and I listened to her all night, fighting the
urge to get mad at her chief. Sigurado akong kung puwede lang ay matagal niya nang
nasapak ito. It must have taken her a lot of effort to resist her aggressive
impulses.

Nang mga sumunod na araw ay ganoon ulit ang ginawa namin. We spent our nights in
the barbecue restaurant, drinking and talking about everything. Tuwing umaga naman
bago siya pumasok sa trabaho ay sinasabayan ko siyang magwork-out. She would do
boxing since she had a punching bag and gloves, and I would do yoga on her yoga
mat.

Sa ilang araw na 'yon ay ipinagbaon ko rin siya ng packed lunch dahil puro cup
noodles at instant food lang daw ang nakakain niya. So, every time she would see me
preparing her meal, a goofy grin would spread across her face.

"Bumabait ka," sabi niya pa. "Sino ang dapat kong pasalamatan sa character
development mo?"

I glared at her. "You know I can poison you, right?"

On my last night, she helped me pack my things, but I noticed how unusually quiet
she was. Katatapos lang naming kausapin sina Kat at Karsen na sinabihan kong huwag
na akong ihatid sa airport. Marami na rin akong na-receive na messages mula sa iba
pang mga kaibigan, wishing me a safe trip and telling me how much they'll miss me.

I still had doubts in my heart, but Italy was the best place where I could get a
lot done without being distracted. Mag-e-enroll ako para sa doctorate degree ko at
mas paglalawakin pa ang kaalaman ko sa sikolohiya.

I consider myself a lifelong student because I think that knowledge is the ultimate
goal of existence.

Kahit pakiramdam ko ay may kulang pagbalik ko doon, at least, mas makakapag-focus

ako. I don't have any friends or family waiting for me there, so I only have myself
to rely on. Hindi naman 'yon bago . . . kaya ayos lang.

"Aalis ka pa?" tanong ko kay Mill nang makita siyang palabas ng apartment.

"Beer."

I frowned. "Hindi na puwede! Flight ko na bukas!"

"Sinabi ko bang iyo?" masungit na sabi niya.

"Aba!" Pinandilatan ko siya. "Mag-a-attitude ka pa, paalis na 'ko!"

Hindi niya ako pinansin. She turned her back on me and walked out of the apartment,
leaving me upset.

Problema no'n? Imbes na naglalambing na, nagsusungit pa!

I shook my head. Baka napagalitan lang, Amari. Try to understand her situation.
Hindi laging maganda ang araw ng pangit na 'yon, okay? Just hug her when she
returns. She needs that.

I was preoccupied with my internal monologues when my messenger beeped to let me

know I had a new message.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang si Shaira iyon. Tatlong oras na kaming magkausap
kanina. Ano pa naman kayang sasabihin niya?

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Take care.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Girl, you've told me that too many times already! I'll
message you, okay? Stop worrying and get some rest. It's not like I won't call you
or anything.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Have you brought any meds with you? Baka mahilo ka sa byahe.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Yup. All good.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Update your Facebook every once in a while. Post your
pictures, your achievements, or just anything. Share memes if you're happy or poems
if you're sad. Just post anything.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero pakiramdam ko ay may tanikalang sumasakal sa dibdib
ko. She sounded too worried, as if she had already missed me.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You know I'm not a social media girl, right? Bakit? May
problema ba? Gusto mong pag-usapan bago ako umalis? I'm free. You can call me if
you want.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: I'm just very proud of you, Amari.

Napangiti ako. She was so serious. Must be her hormones again.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I love you, Shai. Thank you for not leaving me.

It took so long for her to answer. Hindi yata siya sanay na naglalambing ako.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: I love you.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: So much.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Always remember that.

Magre-reply pa sana ako nang bigla siyang nag-out.

I ended up leaving heart reactions in her last messages, wondering what had gotten
into her that she was being so sweet.

Tumayo ako at nilibot ang tingin sa buong apartment. It was smaller than our staff
house, but I knew it had witnessed and held thousands of memories. Dito kami tumira
noong nakaalis kami sa una naming apartment. This is where Gayle grew up. This
witnessed Mill's joy and sorrow, heard Karsen's nurturing words to her child, and
gave a home to Kat whenever she was around.

Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto at agad na lumapat ang ngiti sa labi ko nang
makita si Mill.

"'Yong mga librong hiniram ko, ha? May photocopy ka naman ng ID ko, 'di ba?
Nakakainis. Hindi ko pa tapos basah— Huy, bakit?!" bulaslas ko nang makitang
nanunubig ang mga mata niya.

Lumapit ako sa kanya.

"Halika nga," I said as I embraced her. "Pag-usapan natin mamaya, gusto mo? Sige
na. Sasamahan na kitang mag-inom."

I thought she would say something about her work. I thought it was the reason why
she was crying.

But then, what she said not only struck a blow to my heart . . . but also changed
the course of my life.

"'Wag ka nang umalis. Please, 'wag ka nang umalis . . ." she murmured. "K-Kapag
umalis ka, wala na . . . mag-isa na ulit ako rito. Hindi ko naman puwedeng laging
papuntahin sina Kat at Karsen." She sobbed. "W-Wala naman akong ibang kaibigan.
Kayo lang naman kasing tatlo ang nakakatiis sa ugali ko."

Mas humigpit ang kapit niya sa akin habang gumagalaw ang balikat niya.

At that very moment, I knew she had a drink so that she could have the courage to
say this to me.

"It was selfish, Mari. May iba kang buhay ro'n at maraming magagandang bagay ang
naghihintay sa 'yo," she continued. "Pero, sige na, oh . . . dito ka na lang din."

Parang nabura lahat ng pag-aalinlangan sa dibdib ko. The doubts about where I
should go, the second thoughts about leaving . . . they vanished right away.

Someone wanted me here. She wanted me to be here so much that she was crying.

Dito, may pamilya ako . . . kaya saan ba ako dapat umuwi?

"Magagalit ka ba kapag hindi ako pumayag?" I asked, a small smile creeping into my
lips.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtango niya. She was still sobbing.

"Isang buwan kitang hindi kakausapin."

"Isang buwan lang?" tanong ko ulit.

"Syempre," masungit pero ngarag ang boses na sagot niya. "Kukulitin mo ako nang
kukulitin hanggang sa bumigay ako. M-Maldita ka, eh."

I laughed and pulled her closer to me. "Sige na. Tumahan ka na. Hindi na 'ko
aalis."

"Promise?" she asked like a child.

"Oo . . . promise."

We stayed like that for a few more minutes.

"Mari."

"Hmm?"

"'Wag mo 'kong aasarin, ha?"

I could only laugh.

Chapter 30 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 30

I texted my friends about the sudden changes in my plan. It earned phone calls from
Kat and Karsen, and I had no choice but to tell them that Mill ugly cried for me
not to leave. Bwisit na bwisit naman ang huli sa akin.

"It's okay, Amari. Guess I'll just send you your certificate of employment,
alright?" Ma'am Anne said over a video call when I told her my decision. "Best of
luck in your future endeavors."

Wala akong naging problema sa biglaang pagre-resign sa PAI-Ferrara. Ma'am Anne said
she saw that coming, so she kind of prepared for it. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung
nahalata ba niya sa akin na hindi ako masayang-masaya sa Italy o alam niya lang ang
pakiramdam ng isang OFW. She also told me that I'd be more successful here,
especially because the need for psychologists was growing. Hindi ko nga lang
sigurado kung magandang balita ba 'yon o hindi.

Mayroon kasing hindi masira-sirang paniniwala sa Pilipinas na kapag nagpa-consult

ka sa isang mental health professional, awtomatikong "baliw" o may "sayad" ka na.

Most individuals don't understand that having a checkup on their mental health is
the same as having one on their physical health. Kapag may ubo, sipon, o lagnat ay
normal lang na magpatingin sa physicians. Pero kapag may problema sa ibang aspeto
ng buhay at nagpatingin ka sa psychiatrist o psychologist ay biglang iba ang
nagiging tingin sa 'yo ng lipunan.

All of a sudden, it wasn't normal . . . as if mental disorders were nothing but a

make-believe condition. Parang hindi totoo. Parang gawa-gawa lang.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: omgggg! dito ka na lang?

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Yeah, so your drama last time is uncalled for. Hahaha.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: huh?

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Now you want to forget about it?

Shaira Ylane Chavez: ahhhh oo hahahahaha ano ngang napag-usapan natin no'n?

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Whatever, Shai. I'll just see you with the girls next time.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: oki oki secret muna natin 'to, ha? di ko rin sasabihin kay
thaddeus hahahahaha shet excited na 'ko

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You are so weird.

Meg and Zoey were also delighted to know I would stay here for good. Nag-set na
kami ng date kung kailan ulit magkikita-kita, at syempre, dahil may kasama kaming
buntis ay sa bahay lang din kami maghahang-out.

I let myself rest for at least a week before I told Ms. Lubrica that I would take
the job. Tuwang-tuwa siya at agad na in-email sa akin ang syllabus na ituturo sa
mga estudyante. Apat na subjects ang ituturo ko — Psychological Assessment,
Theories of Personality, Abnormal Psychology, at Industrial Psychology. They were
my favorite subjects, and I never stopped reading, so I don't think I'll have any
trouble teaching them.

"Mill, uuna na 'ko sa 'yo, ha?" sabi ko sa kaibigan habang isinusuot ang pearl
earrings ko. "I have a job interview in VDMH."

"Hindi ka na magpapahatid?"

"Nope." I picked up my white Chanel flap bag before facing her. "How do I look?"

Pinasadahan niya ako ng tingin mula ulo hanggang paa. I was dressed in a charcoal
gray pencil skirt and blazer with a white polo as the inner material. I completed
the look by pairing it with my white pumps and pulling my hair back into a sleek,
high ponytail.

"You look intimidating," she said, chuckling.

Napangisi ako. "Then, goal achieved."

Tinanggal ko muna ang blazer ko dahil magco-commute lang ako papuntang VDMH. I was
thinking of buying a car, but that would be a long process since I didn't even know
how to drive. Wala rin akong lisensya. Ang hirap pa namang kumuha ng lisensya rito
nang hindi dumadaan sa fixer. It was almost impossible to pass the tests and get an
ID without paying them.

I didn't waste any time getting to the human resources office where the interview
would be held. I could hear the sound of my heels hitting the marble floor as I
walked. Ramdam ko pa ang pagsunod ng tingin ng ibang nurses sa akin.

"Ms. Amari Mendoza?" a woman holding a clipboard asked.

Ngumiti ako. "Yes."

"Come in."
Sumunod ako sa kanya. I entered the office and was amazed by the interior design.
Malawak ito at maaliwalas. There were a pair of chocolate brown couches, a glass
coffee table, and a door leading to what seemed to be the main office. May mga
paintings na nakasabit sa puting dingding kaya lalo itong nagmukhang elegante.

If I hadn't read on the door that this was the office of the chief human resources
officer, I would have assumed that it was the office of the CEO.

"Paakyat na po si Sir," sabi ng babae. "Katatapos lang po ng meeting nila."

"Sure," I replied. "Uhm . . . he's the CHRO, right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And he still does interviews?"

As far as I know, hindi na dapat ito sakop ng trabaho niya. Among human resources
officers, he held the most senior position possible. The interviews should be done
by the people under him.

Ngumiti ang babae at isang beses na tumango. "Sa specific positions lang po."

I smiled back. "Okay, thank you."

She asked if I wanted a drink, but I declined. Naupo lang ako sa isang couch at
tahimik na pinagmasdan ang buong silid.

Dr. Fujimoto and Mrs. Dela Paz were traveling abroad with their husbands, so it may
take a while before I see them again. Hindi tuloy ako personal na makapagpasalamat
sa mga tulong na ibinigay nila sa akin. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have
gotten where I am now.

Tanda ko pa ang pagtatrabaho ko rito at ang paggabay nila sa akin para makapasa ako
sa board exam. They believed in me and even transferred me to Italy, where I could
hone my skills . . . and thankfully, I did.

"Good morning."

A raspy voice from behind me caught my attention in an instant. I smiled and stood
up to face him, but my smile faded away immediately when I saw who it was.

"Good morning . . ." I muttered slowly, "Mr. Zamora."

Mula sa clipboard na binabasa ay dahan-dahan siyang nag-angat ng tingin sa akin.

Just like me, he was taken aback. His pinkish lips parted slightly, and his eyes
widened a fraction.

Hindi ko alam kung pinaglalaruan kami ng tadhana dahil parang biglang sumikip ang
mundo para sa aming dalawa. I knew I'd see him again, especially because we'd be
working together at the university, but how come he was also here at the VDMH?!
Parehas kami ng field na tinahak pero masyadong malaki ang possibility na
magtrabaho kami sa iisang lugar!

And how come he's the chief human resources officer already? Ang iba ay kailangan
ng halos isang dekadang experience para mailagay sa posisyong 'yon!

He licked his lower lip, taking a deep breath as he did so.

"Akala ko . . ." he whispered as confusion reflected in his eyes.

"Hindi ako tumuloy," saad ko dahil hindi naman niya maidiretso ang gustong sabihin.
"I'm sorry for denying your opinion that I'll do better in Italy."

Hindi agad siya nakabawi. He stared deeply at me as if I would disappear any

minute.

"Shall we start?" I asked, breaking the silence.

Napakurap siya. "Yeah . . . sure."

Sinundan ko siya papasok sa mismong opisina at agad na bumalot sa ilong ko ang

pamilyar na amoy niya. The walls, just like the outside, were painted white, and
framed charts of brain structures were hung on them. A pane of glass ran from floor
to ceiling along one wall, providing a panoramic view of the city.

"Have a seat."

Tumingin ako kay Leon at agad niyang iminuwestra ang upuan sa harap ng table niya.

I did what he said, and even before I got to his desk, I noticed him taking the
picture frame off the surface and putting it away in a drawer.

Hindi ko iyon pinansin dahil halata namang ayaw niyang makita ko 'yon. Huh. Para
namang interesado akong malaman kung sino o ano ang nandoon.

I sat down and tried to stay as calm as possible, even though my heart was beating
hard against my chest.

Sa dinami-rami kasi ng panahon at lugar, laging sa mga hindi ko inaasahan ko pa

siya makikita. University, library, and now, VDMH. It was as if there were
invisible forces pushing us to see each other. Hindi naman ako para gumawa ng
adjustments para lang hindi siya makasama.

I read the words on his glassed-up nameplate, and I felt a fleeting pang of
confusion in my gut.

Leon Ysmael A. Zamora

Chief Human Resources Officer, Psychometrician

Psychometrician? Hindi pa ba siya psychologist? He had already completed around 20

units for our master's degree . . . hindi niya ba itinuloy o hindi niya pa
natatapos?

"Tell me about yourself," kuha niya sa atensyon ko.

Tumikhim ako. "I'm Amari, 27, and for the past few years, I've been working for the
Psychological Alliance of Italy. I worked as a psychometrician in the Milan office
for two years before I was transferred to the Ferrara branch, where I worked as a
counselor and psychologist during my final year of employment."

Nakatitig lang siya sa akin habang nagsasalita ako, dahilan kung bakit lalong
dinaga ang dibdib ko.

"Uhm . . . I did all these things while studying for my master's degree and
reviewing for my licensure exams, which helped me learn how to manage my time well.
My employers constantly complimented my work ethic and how I efficiently got things
done on time."
He tilted his head. "You seem to be doing well in Italy. Why did you choose to stay
here?"

Alam kong itatanong niya iyon. Halata naman kasing gustong-gusto niya akong itulak
pabalik sa Italy. Hindi na nga rin ako magugulat kung hindi ako matatanggap. He
seemed uncomfortable having me around.

"In all honesty, I don't see myself settling down there. Having no relatives or
friends in Italy has made me realize how empty my life has become . . . and for me,
my desire to be at home has always outweighed my desire for professional success."

He swallowed as he bowed his head. "You didn't make any friends . . . there?"

Umiling ako. "Being social is time-consuming, so I don't want to make any new
acquaintances."

"When you don't have work . . . what do you do? Who do you meet?" mahinang tanong
niya, nakayuko pa rin at pinapasadahan ng basa ang resume ko.

"I've never had a day of—"

"What?"

Umarko ang kilay ko nang mag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. Our eyes immediately
met.

"I've never had a day off. I've never wasted my leave. And I worked all through the
holidays, too," I continued. "But if I had any free time, I would definitely spend
the whole day at the library, hanging out with my friends, or maybe going on some
blind dates."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Blind dates are dangerous, Amari."

"I only want to give it a shot, but of course, I won't do it without taking any
safety measures first," sagot ko. "And it was hypothetical. Kapag lang may . . .
day off."

Lalong nagsalubong ang mga kilay niya. "Kung matatanggap ka, limang araw lang ang
trabaho mo rito. So, during the weekends, you'll go on blind dates?"

"Depends." Nagkibit-balikat ako. "Does this have anything to do with the job I'm
applying for? Is it against the law for a psychologist to go on blind dates? If so,
is there research to back up that claim?"

Nagtagis ang bagang niya. "Just go back to Italy."

Napairap ako. "For someone who's already a chief officer, your lack of
professionalism is surprising, Mr. Zamora." I could feel the sarcasm rising in my
chest as I let out a chuckle. "You have no right to pry into my personal life or
meddle with the decisions I make."

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. "I know . . ."

"Of course, you know." I sighed. "Ano? Itutuloy pa ba natin ang interview o hindi
na?"

Wala na akong pakialam kung nagtutunog bastos ako sa harap niya. He was acting
weird . . . and I hated it. Wala siyang puwang sa buhay ko para bigyan ko pa ng
importansya ang mga opinyon niya.

"Tell me about the time you made a mistake . . ." pagpapatuloy niya.

I put everything aside and just answered every question he had for me. This time,
he was more relaxed and in control. Kahit na mayroong tensyon at kaba sa loob ko ay
sinigurado kong hindi iyon magpapakita sa mukha ko. Good thing I've gotten good at
hiding how I really feel . . . especially in front of the people who don't deserve
to see my heart.

Hindi dapat ako magalit kay Leon. That was what I promised myself. Naiintindihan ko
ang dahilan kung bakit kami naghiwalay. He apologized. He said he loved me. There
was no reason for me to get mad.

Ngunit ngayong nakikita kong parang isinusuka niya ang presensya ko ay hindi ko
maiwasang baliin ang pangako sa sarili. I didn't do anything to disgust or irritate
him. Inilaban ko rin naman siya hanggang maubos ako . . . bakit parang ayaw na ayaw
niya sa akin?

"You can start on Monday," he said, concluding the interview.

"Thanks."

I stood up and fixed myself. Ganoon din ang ginawa niya.

There was an obvious tension between us throughout the interview, so it was a

relief that it ended well. Hindi na siya nagtanong ng tungkol sa personal na buhay
ko . . . which I think is a good thing. I also have a lot of questions for him, but
I wouldn't let my confusion get the best of me. I was no longer a part of his life,
and I think that should stay that way.

"We'll work together," he said gently. "Is that really . . . really okay with you?"

I could tell there was something off about his tone, so I looked into his eyes to
see what he was trying to convey. Titig na titig siya sa akin na parang tinitimbang
ang mga emosyong nakikita niya sa mukha ko.

I'm not sure why, but I could feel a constriction in my chest, probably a twinge of
. . . yearning driven by the way he stared at me.

"Bakit hindi?" I asked casually. "It's been years. I think we'll do fine working
together." Tumawa ako para maibsan ang kaba. "It's not like we still have those
shallow feelings for each other, right?"

I wasn't sure if I was seeing things, but I saw a pang of sharp pain in his eyes as
he gave a forced, awkward chuckle. Inayos niya ang salamin at tumingin sa glass
wall kung saan tanaw ang buong syudad. His lips began to tremble, and he had to
bite his lower lip to stop them.

"Y-Yeah . . ." He gulped hard. "Shallow . . . really shallow."

Seeing him in pain was a sight I could never get used to. Hindi dapat siya
nasasaktan ngayon dahil imposibleng mahal niya pa ako. Or perhaps, like my heart,
my eyes were just playing games on me. Hindi naman talaga siya nasasaktan. I was
just imagining he was. At hindi ko dapat iniisip na may ganoon pa akong epekto sa
kanya.

Maybe using the word "shallow" was a bit of a low blow. What we had was deep and
anchored. I shouldn't have said that just to prove a point . . . I shouldn't have
lied about that.

"See your way out, Ms. Mendoza," he ordered, his voice assertive and low.

Wala na siyang iba pang kailangang sabihin para hindi ako sumunod. Tapos naman na
ang interview. I got accepted and that was it.

Naglakad ako papunta sa cafeteria ng ospital dahil lunch break na rin. There was a
little regret in my heart, but I tried not to think about it. Hindi ako puwedeng
bumalik sa umpisa. I had made progress in forgetting our memories and cutting him
out of my life. It wouldn't be fair to toss away all my hard work just because I
met him again.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto akong tulala. I just picked whatever looked good on
the menu, but time went by and I didn't even eat a bite. I was thinking of Leon and
the way he reacted. Kahit ayaw ko. Kahit pigilan ko.

"Mari?"

Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang may tumawag sa akin. I looked around and was
surprised to see someone familiar sitting at a table not far from me.

"Paolo, hi!" I exclaimed.

"I knew it!" He chuckled as he stood up, carrying his tray. "Puwedeng tumabi?"

Hindi natanggal ang ngiti ko. "Yeah, of course."

Inayos ko ang pagkain ko at hinayaan si Paolo na ilagay rin ang tray niya sa mesa.
Umupo siya sa tapat ko, malaki ang ngiti at maaliwalas ang mukha.

"How long has it been?"

We weren't friends . . . that's for sure. But there was something about seeing a
familiar face that brought back old memories. Sa kanya noon selos na selos si . . .
Leon. Maybe because he was brave enough to tell me how much he liked me, while Leon
couldn't because I warned him not to.

"Graduation?" I chuckled. "Kumusta ka?"

He shrugged. "I'm an intern here. Nagme-med ako, eh."

"Really? Hindi ko alam na may plano kang mag-doctor."

"Hindi ka naman kasi interesado." Tumawa siya kaya nahawa rin ako. "Ikaw? The last
time I checked, you're quite big in Italy."

"Not really . . ." I shook my head. "Pero dito na ako mag-s-stay. I just applied
for work here, and I can start next week."

"Oh . . . kasi nandito si Leon? That's fair. Ang tagal n'yo ring LDR."

I focused my gaze on my plate before picking up the spoon.

"Matagal na kaming break ni Leon, Paolo," saad ko. "I didn't even know he was
working here . . . until today."

"Are you joking?"

I rolled my eyes playfully. "Do I look like I am?"

"He's like the most trusted employee here. Highest-paid psychometrician . . . at

nag-a-assist sa mga psychologists at minsan, sa research at seminars. Kind of a big
shot. Hindi rin naman nakakagulat 'yon." Tumango-tango siya. "I didn't know you
broke up."

"Well, we did." I chuckled. "It wasn't too ugly, but we did."

Nagpatuloy kami sa pagkukwentuhan habang kumakain. He was still the same — fun to
be with. He was a really good conversationalist, which made me temporarily set
aside my thoughts and pay attention to what he had to say.

Halos walang nagbago sa pangangatawan niya. He was still lean and fit and would
have passed as a Korean model. He looked kind and gentle . . . unlike Leon, who
seemed to personify ruthlessness in its purest form. Lalo ngayon. I don't remember
him having shoulders that were as broad as they were now, and the way his sleeves
fit on his arms gave off an air of strength and firmness.

Napabuga ako ng hangin nang mapagtanto ang tinatahak ng isip. Paolo was talking,
and here I am, thinking of someone . . . irrelevant! Eh, ano ngayon kung mas malaki
na ang katawan ni Leon? It's not like he was going to fuck me or anything.

What?! No, I mean, I don't even care about his goddamn body!

"Mari?"

"H-Huh?" I blinked. "Ano'ng . . . sinasabi mo? I'm sorry I was spacing out."

He chuckled. "What are you thinking? Ang pula mo."

"May naalala lang ako."

I took long, deep breaths to pacify my dirty thoughts. Kagagawan 'to ni Mill! She
told me outright how nice Leon was for not sleeping with me, and now I can't stop
thinking about it! Na para bang hindi ko sinabi kanina sa kanya na "shallow" lang
ang naramdaman namin sa isa't isa! Or perhaps he didn't have sex with me because I
wasn't attractive enough to him! We shared an apartment, yet he never touched me!

Fuck . . . where are your thoughts heading now, Amari?

"Can I sit here?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at hindi na nakapagpigil na mapasinghap nang makita ang

lalaking laman ng utak ko sa gilid ng mesa namin ni Paolo. May bitbit siyang tray
at mariin ang tinging ibinibigay sa akin.

Tumingin ako sa paligid para tingnan kung wala nang bakanteng mesa . . . pero
napakarami!

"We're talking, Mr. Zamora," sagot ni Paolo, marahil ay napansin ang pananahimik
ko.

"I see that," Leon said. He didn't even bother to look at Paolo. "Ms. Mendoza, can
I sit here?"

My heart was pounding. What the hell is wrong with him?! Nakakahiya kay Paolo! We
were just catching up! Isa pa, hindi ba at galit siya kanina noong umalis ako sa
opisina niya? What's with acting casual now?!
Nakita ko ang pagbuntong-hininga niya. Walang salita niyang kinuha ang isang
mangkok mula sa tray niya at ipinatong iyon sa gilid ng pinggan ko. It was . . .
kare-kare. Hindi ko napansin na may ganoon pala sa menu.

Dahil hindi ako sumagot ay sa katabing mesa namin siya naupo. Hindi ko agad
naproseso ang nangyari dahil halos mabingi ako sa lakas ng tibok ng puso ko.

Paolo squinted at me. "You sure you broke up?" mahinang tanong niya.

I looked down at the bowl Leon gave me and nodded. "The last time I checked, we
did."

"I guess someone hasn't moved on yet." Tumawa siya. "Good luck dealing with that,
Mari."

Napangiti na lang ako . . . kahit wala namang kangiti-ngiti sa nangyari. I just

didn't know how to react. Leon was mad at me earlier! I was sure of that! Halos
isuka niya ako palabas ng opisina niya tapos nakita niya lang akong kasama si Paolo
ay aarte siya nang ganito?

I tried to focus on Paolo as we talked more. Mabuti na lang at hindi na siya

nagtanong tungkol sa lalaki dahil hindi ko alam ang isasagot kung nagkataon.

"I have to go now," maya maya pa'y pagpapaalam niya. "Ang daming kailangang gawin."

I nodded. "Patapos na rin naman ako. Go ahead."

He stood up. "We'll continue next week, okay?"

Pinanood ko siyang umalis. Kanina ko pa nararamdaman ang nanunusok na tingin sa

akin ng lalaking nasa kabilang table kaya nang mawala sa paningin ko si Paolo ay
binalingan ko siya.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked Leon.

"I just want to apologize for my behavior earlier," he replied, eyes dropping on
his food.

"At hindi mo puwedeng gawin 'yon ng ibang araw?" I breathed deeply. "Now Paolo
thinks you still haven't gotten over me."

Hindi siya nakasagot agad. Kinuha ko ang pagkakataong 'yon para tumayo at ilagay sa
tabi ng pinggan niya ang mangkok ng kare-kare na ibinigay niya kanina sa akin.

"We're too old to play games, Mr. Zamora. I don't know what your plans are or why
you hate me so much, but can we at least be casual?"

"I'm not playing games and I don't . . . hate you," sagot niya.

Nagbuntong-hininga na lang ako at naglakad na paalis doon. Talking to him was

nonsense. Hindi niya ba naiisip na mas mapapadali ang buhay naming dalawa kung
aarte siya na hindi kami mag-ex? We'd see each other more often. We had to get
along!

Nang mga sumunod na araw ay inabala ko na lang ang sarili sa pagbabasa. I took
pictures of some of the pages in the books I wasn't done reading yet before
returning them to the library. Nagpatuloy rin ang routine namin ni Mill. After our
workouts, I would make her lunch, and before we went to bed, we would either drink
beer or tea.

She had so many stories and rants about her work. Pansin ko ring may text nang text
sa kanya na hindi niya naman pinapansin.

"May trabaho na 'ko bukas," sabi ko sa kanya habang nakahiga kami. "Tapos next
month, mag-s-start na 'yong review."

"8-5 ka, 'no?"

"Yup. Kailangan nating mas agahan ang workout natin. Magdadala na rin ako ng lunch
ko para hindi na ako lumabas ng office."

She chuckled. "Salitan tayo kung sinong magluluto. Nakakahiya naman sa 'yo."

"Thank god you finally suggested that!"

Dahil Linggo ay binisita lang namin ngayong araw sina Karsen at Gayle.
Nakakapanibagong hindi na laging nakalabas ang dila ni Gayle dahil na rin sa
therapies na ginagawa niya. She was also becoming more talkative, like her mom.
Bulol pa rin ang pagsasalita pero mabilis naman nang maintindihan.

"Nangnang, may napindot po ako . . ." sabi niya habang tinitrintas ko ang buhok
niya.

Sumilip ako sa kanya. Pinahiram ko kasi ang cellphone ko para hindi siya maglikot
habang inaayusan ko siya. Naghahanda ng pagkain sina Mill at Karsen kaya sa akin
naiwan ang bata. Gusto ko rin naman 'yon lalo at napakabibo ni Gayle.

"Bigay mo kay ninang ang cellphone," saad ko habang inilalahad ang kamay.

"Gagalit ka po?"

I chuckled and kissed her chubby cheeks. "Hindi."

Ngumiti siya at ibinigay sa akin ang cellphone. Hinanap ko kung ano ang sinasabi
niyang napindot niya pero hindi ko naman nakita.

"Gayle, saan dito 'yong napindot mo?"

She pointed at the text message. "Paktis po ako spelling, nangnang."

I checked my messages, and my mouth opened in shock when I saw what she was talking
about.

From: Unknown Number

Good morning. This is Leon. Your office is currently under renovation, so following
instructions from the higher-ups, I will be sharing my office with you for the time
being. We'll make changes to suit your preferences.

To: Unknown Number

Yabyu

From: Unknown Number

Ms. Mendoza? Is this your number?

To: Unknown Number

Hikari Gayle N. Gallardo Prep Misis Don Karsen N. Gallardo

From: Unknown Number

Gallardo? Nasaan ang tita mo?

To: Unknown Number

Nangnang mari mendosa

From: Unknown Number

Yeah. Nasaan ang nangnang mo?

To: Unknown Number

Priti nangnang

From: Unknown Number

That's true, Hikari.

Nag-init ang mukha ko sa hiya. Doon natapos ang usapan nila at kung hindi lang
nakangiti si Gayle sa akin na parang proud siya sa mga spelling niya ay
makakalimutan ko talagang bata siya. I kissed her cheeks once more before calling
Mill to look after her.

Lumabas ako at agad na tinawagan si Leon. I wasn't thinking clearly, but I had to
at least apologize for the messages.

"I'm sorry about that. Pinahiram ko 'yong cellphone ko kay Gayle. I didn't know you
texted. Naka-silent kasi," I explained when he picked up the call.

Hindi agad siya sumagot kaya nagpatuloy ako.

"About the office, sure. You don't have to change anything. Temporary lang naman,
'di ba?"

I heard his breathing on the other end of the line, making my heart beat a little
faster for some reason.

"You're with your friends?" he asked softly.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi bago dahan-dahang tumango. "Yeah . . ."

"You didn't go on blind dates?"

Para akong hinahalina ng lambing ng boses niya kaya imbis na magsungit ay tumango
ulit ako na para bang nakikita niya ako.

"No," sagot ko.

"That's . . . good." Tumikhim siya. "So, you're just spending your Sunday hanging
out with your friends and niece? Taking a break before starting work?"

I chuckled awkwardly. "Y-Yes. Kauuwi lang kasi nila. Honeymoon."

May kung anong kumirot sa dibdib ko nang mapagtantong ito ang unang beses na
nakausap ko ulit siya sa cellphone. It brought back so many memories of the times
when we were still dating as well as the times after our breakup when I waited for
him to call me, even though I knew he wouldn't.

"How about yesterday? What did you do yesterday?"

Lumunok ako. "Uhm . . . I studied, took a long nap, worked out with Mill, had
coffee, I don't know . . . just random things. Hindi ako lumabas ng apartment."

"And the days before?"

I pursed my lips. "G-Gano'n din. I didn't do much."

"Thank you for answering," he whispered. "About what Paolo thinks . . ."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Huh?"

"He's right. I still haven't . . . and I have no plans to."

Hindi pa ako nakakasagot ay nagsalita ulit siya.

"Ingat pauwi. I'll see you tomorrow."

Chapter 31 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 31

Hindi ako nakatulog nang gabing 'yon kaiisip kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin. I
tried to think of my conversation with Paolo, but all I remembered was that he said
Leon hadn't moved on from me yet . . . which didn't make sense.

Sinabi ni Leon na kalimutan ko siya. Wala kaming naging balita sa isa't isa sa mga
nagdaang taon! He had changed! I have changed! Imposibleng mahal niya pa 'ko kahit
na wala naman siyang inaasahan sa akin.

I mean, he couldn't have possibly waited for me, right? He hadn't seen me for
years.

Pero . . . kung 'yon nga ang ibig niyang sabihin, siguro nabulag lang siya sa ganda
ng pinagsamahan namin noon. Maybe he hadn't moved on from our memories . . . pero
sa 'kin, tapos na siya.

"Mari, kumain na tayo," saad ni Mill nang buksan niya ang pinto ng kwarto. "First
day mo pa lang pero parang pagod ka na, ah?"

Nagbuntong-hininga ako bago siya samaan ng tingin. "May iniisip kasi ako! Hindi ka
lang makaka-relate kasi hindi naman uso sa 'yo 'yon!"

Bumangon ako at mabilis na ipinusod ang buhok. Narinig ko pa ang mabilis na pagtawa
ng babae kaya sinundan ko na siya palabas ng kusina. Ni hindi ko na siya nasamahang
mag-workout dahil sa iniisip.

Chicken adobo ang niluto niya. Nasa tupperware na rin ang packed lunch namin.
Talagang naihanda niya na lahat.

"Kasama ko si Leon sa trabaho," kaswal na sabi ko habang sumasandok ng kanin.

Naramdaman kong natigilan siya. From the corner of my eye, I even saw her putting
down her fork and turning to glance at me.

"Leon na ex mo?" paninigurado niya.

I shrugged. "Yup."

Humigit ako ng upuan at inilagay ang pinggan ko sa mesa. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni
Mill. She sat in front of me, her brows furrowed. Parang anumang oras ay
bubungangaan niya ako.

"Kasama ko rin siyang magre-review sa graduating students," dagdag ko.

"Kaya ka puyat?" tanong niya. "Astig mo, ah? Talagang sinundan mo kung saan
nagtatrabaho?"

Namilog ang mga mata ko.

"Excuse me? Hindi ko siya sinundan, 'no! Sa VDMH ko talaga balak magtrabaho!"
depensa ko. "Malay ko bang maganda na ang posisyon niya ro'n? At saka . . . hindi
naman ako makakatanggi kay Ms. Lubrica sa review! Ang bait-bait no'n sa 'kin!"

She narrowed her eyes at me. "Affected ka?"

"Hindi!"

"Saulong-saulo ko na 'yan, Amari Sloane," nailing ngunit may ngisi sa labing aniya.

"Hindi naman talaga!" I insisted. "May sinabi lang siya sa 'kin kahapon kaya
napapaisip ako . . . pero wala naman 'yon! Hindi importante!"

Her brows arched. "Mabait si Leon, pero hindi ko gusto ang pag-iwan sa 'yo."

I dropped my eyes to the food. "Well, technically, pinaalis ko siya."

"Dahil may mali siyang ginawa," sagot niya. "I don't expect him to be perfect, but
given his intelligence, I expect him to make better decisions."

Hindi ako nakasagot doon. Iyon din kasi ang sinabi ni Leon sa akin isang buwan
matapos naming maghiwalay noon.

"Pero . . ."

Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kaibigan. She just looked at her food and pushed it
around on her plate, as if she was thinking about something.

Nagbuntong-hininga siya. "Alam kong pagsisisihan kong sinabi ko 'to, pero may mga
pagkakataon talagang kahit gaano katalino ang isang tao, kapag 'yong mahal na nila
sa buhay ang pinag-uusapan, natatanga."

Umawang ang labi ko. She sounded very serious.

"We have strengths, but we also have our limits. And maybe . . ." She put down her
spoon and turned her attention to me. "The universe has a reason for connecting
your paths again."

Nagtagal ang mata ko sa kanya. She didn't sound like the cynical and sarcastic Mill
I knew.
"Hindi mo naman sinasabing . . . makipagbalikan ako sa kanya, 'di ba?" dahan-dahang
saad ko.

Pairap niyang ibinalik ang tingin sa pagkain. "Ano'ng magagawa ko? Halata namang
mahal mo pang tanga ka."

My heart hammered in my chest. "Hindi ko na nga mahal si Leon!"

"You still love him, believe me," she insisted. "Distracted ka lang nitong mga
nagdaang taon kaya akala mo ay wala na."

"Millicent Rae!" I cried out in despair. "You're not helping!"

"Magtatatlong dekada na ako sa buhay mo, Mari. Tingin mo ba hindi ko napapansin ang
pagbabago sa mukha mo kapag nababanggit namin ang pangalan ng gagong 'yon? Lalo
ngayong magsasama na naman kayo! Kaunting pag-uusap lang, tamo, ulol na ulol ka na
naman d'yan."

I stomped my feet. "Hindi nga!"

"Pustahan, ano?"

"At ano? Peperahan mo pa 'ko!"

She chuckled sarcastically, shaking her head as she did. "See? If you're confident,
that's easy."

Sama ng loob ang inumagahan ko. I defended my feelings like my life depended on it.
I don't love Leon anymore! I wasn't just distracted! Hindi ko na talaga siya mahal!
After all these years, I was sure I hadn't kept him in my heart! I . . . shouldn't!

Kaya ko pa naman sinabi kay Mill na makakasama ko ulit si Leon ay para maipaalala
niya sa akin ang dahilan ng paghihiwalay namin! I needed her bitterness, not her
subtle conviction that I hadn't moved on yet! I needed her to be irrational, not to
be some clone of Katana!

Parang kakawala ang puso sa dibdib ko nang makarating ako sa VDMH. It was just a
typical morning, with some of the patients roaming around the garden with their
nurses. Even though it was early in the day, the sun was already warm enough that
some were lounging under the canopy of the little trees.

May mangilan-ngilang kagaya ko na papasok pa lang sa establishment at mayroon

namang mga palabas na, siguro ay tapos na ang shift.

I dressed as intimidatingly as I could. White corporate dress, gold necklace and

stud earrings, and white Louboutin heels. Para lang hindi halatang kinakabahan ako.

I made my way to Leon's office. Now I'm not sure if sharing a room with him is a
good idea. Iniisip ko pa lang na maghapon kaming magkasama ay parang gusto ko nang
tumakbo pauwi. Hindi pa nakatulong na nababagabag ako sa sinabi ni Mill!

Pagkarating ko roon ay hindi na ako nagulat nang siya agad ang nakita ko. He was
sitting on his swivel chair, pinching the middle of his lower lip while flipping
some documents over on his table. Kunot ang noo niya at dahil sa suot na salamin ay
lalo siyang nagmukhang seryoso.

I cleared my throat, instantly drawing his attention to me. The crease in his
forehead deepened as our gazes connected, his fingers letting go of his lower lip.
Pasimple ko pang kinurot ang sarili nang tumayo siya at naglakad palapit sa akin,
hakab na hakab sa dibdib at balikat ang kulay abong polo na nakatupi hanggang siko.
His black pants hung over his waist and covered the hem of his polo. His hair was
disheveled but styled, exuding an air of command.

As if that weren't enough, his deep, dark eyes traveled over my entire body, making
me shiver all the way up to my spine.

"Good morning," malalim ang boses na aniya.

I forced myself to keep my head up, ignoring the creeping tension in my core. "Good
morning."

He licked his lower lip, slightly biting it in the process. "I've set up a table
and a swivel chair inside. Wala ka pa namang masyadong gagawin ngayon. Just . . .
familiarize."

Tumingin ako sa paligid. We were outside his main office, the one with the couches
that seemed to be the lounge area.

"Hindi ba ako puwede rito?" tanong ko.

"No," mariing pagtanggi niya.

My brow arched. "Bakit hindi?"

A ghost of a smile flashed across his lips, but it vanished as soon as he tilted
his head. "You're a psychologist, and I'm the psychometrician assigned to you. Mas
tamang tingnan kung nasa loob ka."

Pinagkrus ko ang braso sa dibdib at tinitigan siya. He looked like he was enjoying
himself or something! May nakakatawa ba?!

"How will things work if I have a patient or client?" I managed to ask. "Kapag
magkasama tayo sa loob . . . ano 'yon? Makikinig ka sa counseling session? Sa talk
therapy?"

"I'll go outside."

I scoffed. "And postpone your work?"

Huminga siya nang malalim. "Then I'll be the one working here. You can have my
table. Ililipat ko na lang 'yong isang nilagay ko sa loob."

My lips parted. That's not what I mean! Ako ang lilipat dito sa labas!

"That's your office, Mr. Zamora," I said, trying to get him to see my point.

"Our office . . ." The corners of his mouth curled slightly. "For the time being."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya lalo at naramdaman ko ang muling pagsikdo ng kaba
sa dibdib ko. We were just having a casual conversation . . . why the fuck was my
heart racing like this?!

Bwisit kasi! Bakit niya ba sinabi pa sa akin ang tungkol kay Paolo! He just made
things more awkward for us!

"Aayusin ko na," kuha niya sa atensyon ko.

I looked back at him and just slowly nodded to end our conversation. "I'll help."

"No need. Just sit there on the couch, stay clean, and . . ." He took a deep
breath, his eyes gleaming as he stared closely at me. "Pretty."

Napakurap ako. "H-Huh?"

Kinagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi at marahang umiling. "Wala . . . maupo ka na

lang."

I didn't say another thing . . . I wasn't able to. I nervously sat on the couch and
pulled out my cellphone as a way to distract myself.

'Wag kang mag-isip ng kahit ano, Amari. If you entertain your thoughts, you'll be
damned again. You've moved on, okay? Don't listen to anyone else but yourself.

"You want something to drink?" narinig ko pang tanong niya pero hindi na ako nag-
angat ng tingin.

I chewed the insides of my cheeks. "You're not my secretary, Mr. Zamora."

"Kung may . . . gusto ka lang."

"Wala," tipid na sagot ko.

"Oh . . . okay."

It was so uncomfortable that I didn't think my heart would survive. Mabuti nga at
mabilis niyang nailipat ang mesa at upuan. Miski ang mga gamit niya ay nailagay
niya agad sa isang kahon. I was trying hard not to watch him do all that.
Nakakahiya. Pakiramdam ko ay pulang-pula ang mukha ko.

Pero . . . hindi dapat ako ang mahiya! Siya 'tong kung ano-ano ang sinasabi!

"11-12 ang lunchbreak natin. We can eat in the cafeteria or . . . outside. Kung
saan mo gusto," he said. "Do you think an hour is long enough?"

Umarko ang kilay ko. "We?"

Ano, sabay kami?! Bakit, kaibigan ko ba siya?!

He stiffened. "I mean . . . you."

Nagkibit-balikat na lang ako. "An hour is enough, and I don't need to go anywhere
because I'll stay here."

Tumayo ako at naglakad na papasok ng opisina.

"You'll not skip lunch, Ms. Mendoza," pahabol na saad niya pa.

I pursed my lips. "I brought my food."

Hindi na siya sumagot. Inilagay ko ang gamit sa mesa ko . . . na dating mesa niya.
I didn't bring much. Just my necessities. Saka ko na lang siguro gagawing "Amari
Sloane vibe" ang table ko kapag nakalipat na ako sa opisina ko.

Binuksan ko ang isang drawer doon para sana ilagay ang memo pad ko nang makita ang
nakataob na picture frame — the one he put away before my interview started.
"May natira ka pang gamit dito," may kalakasan ang boses na saad ko dahil nasa
labas siya.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa utak niya at talagang magkatapat na
magkatapat ang mesa namin. If I left the door open, we could literally see each
other.

"What's that?" he asked as he marched toward me.

"Frame."

His eyes widened a fraction, but he kept his composure. Pumunta siya sa gilid ng
swivel chair na inuupuan ko at halos mapapikit ako sa pagdampi ng amoy niya sa
ilong ko. Ni hindi ko man lang nakita kung sino ang nasa picture dahil naabala ako
ng bango niya.

"Don't close the door. Walang aircon sa labas. Let the cool air circulate."

It was an emotionally exhausting morning for me. I looked over everything I was
responsible for and noticed that the job description mentioned that every
psychologist had an accompanying psychometrician, and in my case, it was Leon.

He was in charge of administering tests and making written notes in the medical
record so that I would know how referrals were going. Siya rin ang magre-report sa
akin ng status ng magiging inpatients namin.

Wala naman masyadong pinagkaiba ang trabaho ko sa PAI. Only that I didn't have a
psychometrician to work for me there.

Dahil walang ginagawa ay hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin kay Leon na seryosong-

seryoso ngayon sa trabaho niya. I was starting to wonder how he balanced his roles
as a chief human resources officer, a psychometrician, and a part-time college
professor.

Hindi pa rin siya nagbabago. Not one second of his time was wasted. Mula Lunes
hanggang Linggo ay may trabaho siya.

How does he handle his relationships and social interactions? Paano si . . . Tita?
Ang mga kapatid niya? Ang . . . girlfriend niya? How does he fit them into his
schedule?

So, while I was busy in Italy, he was busy here as well. Obviously, we both had a
lot on our plates. Parang . . . kagaya lang ng dati. Hindi kami masyadong
nagpapahinga dahil gusto naming kumita ng pera.

Even his wardrobe improved. Puro bago at branded na ang mga damit niya. Hindi na
siya para magtyaga sa ukay at palengke. Hindi niya na rin para ulit-uliting isuot
ang luma niyang sapatos. Each time I saw him, he was sporting a nice pair of shoes
from well-known designers.

I wonder how Tita Leah is. She must be over the moon for her son. Kahit nga akong
hindi nakasama ni Leon sa pag-abot ng mga pangarap niya . . . just seeing how far
he'd come filled me with pride.

We did what we set out to do, right? Not together . . . but at least.

Those fresh graduates, Leon and Amari, who were having a hard time then, would be
very proud of us now. From having very little to none to establishing a name for
ourselves . . . we sure came a long way.
Hindi ako nakaiwas nang biglang mag-angat si Leon ng tingin sa akin. The second our
gazes met, I felt a tug deep within me — something I thought had vanished into the
mists of time, something I thought I had forgotten about.

What we had wasn't shallow. It penetrated so deeply into my being that even now,
its roots are in the softest area of my heart.

Tumayo siya at naglakad palapit sa puwesto ko. I didn't move a muscle. I just
stared at him, and a whole chapter of my life flashed before my eyes.

The sweet and cheap dates, the snuggles, the coffee breaks, the stolen glimpses in
class, and the overall warmth of our relationship had given me.

"Come on," marahang sabi niya nang makalapit sa akin. "I'll tour you around the
hospital."

Walang salitang tumayo rin ako. Inipon ko ang nakalugay na buhok at inilagay iyon
sa kaliwang balikat ko.

I saw his gaze drift down to my neck. Tumikhim siya bago nag-iwas ng tingin sa
akin.

Nauna siyang lumabas kaya sumunod lang ako. He began to explain each departmental
function and introduced me to other psychologists, psychometricians, psychiatrists,
and nurses. Ipinakita niya rin sa akin ang opisina ko na kasalukuyang
pinipinturahan at nilalagyan ng aircon.

Dahil nasa industrial at clinical department siya ay hindi imposibleng kilala siya
ng lahat ng employee. He carried himself with the utmost professionalism, earning
the respect of those around him.

"Where are the interns?" tanong ko nang pabalik na kami sa opisina niya.

Binuksan niya ang pinto. "In the same room as the nurses. Why?"

"I didn't see Paolo."

Bahagyang napaawang ang labi ko nang pairap siyang tumingin sa akin. "Bakit mo
hinahanap?"

I hesitated a bit because he looked annoyed. "Uhm . . . dahil siya lang 'yong
kilala ko rito?"

"And me?"

"Kilala rin . . . syempre." Tumikhim ako. "Pero bakit naman kita hahanapin kung
kasama kita?"

Naglakad siya patungo sa mesa niya kaya humakbang na rin ako papunta sa akin.

"Ms. Mendoza, are we done talking?" masungit na sabi niya.

Sighing, I leaned against the main office's door and turned around to face him. I
crossed my arms over my chest to intimidate him, but he seemed to be taking the
situation so seriously that he didn't even flinch.

"Ano?" tapang-tapangan na saad ko.

He frowned. "Why do you want to see Paolo?"

"Pake mo ba?"

Lalong nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Do you like him?"

Umahon ang inis sa dibdib ko. "Again . . . ano'ng pake mo?"

"Did you stay in touch with him?" pagtatanong niya ulit na parang hindi ako
narinig.

Inirapan ko siya. "We're not having this personal conversation, Mr. Zamora."

"Is he trying to cou—"

I turned my back on him, cutting him off. Dumiretso ako sa mesa ko kahit na ramdam
ko ang nanunusok na tingin niya sa akin. My heart beat faster than it should
because he sounded jealous . . . and at the back of my head, I knew I liked the
rush it gave me.

Naramdaman kong nag-vibrate ang cellphone ko kaya pasimple kong sinilip iyon.

From: Mr. Zamora

Lunch break na. What do you want to eat?

Kumunot ang noo ko. God . . . he was just mad three minutes ago!

To: Mr. Zamora

I have food nga.

Ibinaba ko ang cellphone para tingnan siya. Ang mata niya ay nakatutok lang sa
screen ng cellphone niya at kahit may malaking distansya sa pagitan namin ay alam
kong nagtatagis ang bagang niya sa galit.

I pouted. Galit naman talaga . . . bakit nag-iinarteng mabait sa text?

From: Mr. Zamora

Dessert?

To: Mr. Zamora

Stop bugging me. This isn't related to work.

From: Mr. Zamora

I'm sorry.

Hindi pa ako nakakapag-reply ay nag-text na ulit siya.

From: Mr. Zamora

I'll bring you ice cream because I'm sorry.

Pakiramdam ko ay mawawalan ako ng dugo sa kanya. Kahit nang makaalis siya ay

nagngingitngit ako sa inis.
Naisahan niya 'ko! And what game is he trying to play?! Ano 'to . . . ligawan
stage?! He was up to something again! Alam na alam ko ang mga padali niyang ganito!
Lagi na lang siyang concerned sa pagkain ko na parang siya ang may-ari ng bituka
ko! Sa ganito niya ako nakuha noon . . . at hindi puwedeng makuha niya ulit ako sa
kaartehan niya ngayon!

I ate my lunch angrily. Naubos ko ang kanin at ang maanghang-anghang na luto ni

Mill ng adobo. I was still hungry after that, so when Leon brought me another rice
meal and ice cream, I ate it all up.

Mukhang tuwang-tuwa naman ang lalaki sa nangyari dahil maghapong hindi natanggal
ang maliit na maliit na ngiti niya. Mabuti nga at pinatawag siya dahil hindi ko
kakayanin kung matatapos talaga ang araw ko nang siya ang nakikita ko!

From: Mr. Zamora

You went home already?

Hindi ko siya nireplyan. Huh! Ano siya sinuswerte?! Siya na nga ang kasama ko
maghapon tapos gusto niya pa ay textmates kami hanggang gabi?!

At isa pa . . . nalimutan niya ba ang dahilan kung bakit kami naghiwalay? Does he
think I'll accept him just because years have gone by?

From: Mr. Zamora

Good night, Ms. Mendoza. I'll see you tomorrow.

From: Mr. Zamora

Good morning, Ms. Mendoza. Take care.

But . . . how?! How the fuck would I work and function normally if I had to start
and end my day with his messages?!

From: Mr. Zamora

May kare-kare dito. Hindi ko pa binibili kasi baka nagsasawa ka na.

To: Mr. Zamora

I have food. Just how many times do I have to explain this?

From: Mr. Zamora

You're eating it though.

To: Mr. Zamora

I've gained 4 pounds and it's only been two weeks, Mr. Zamora! Feeding me is not a
part of your job!

Needless to say, my first full month of working at VDMH was a disaster. Leon
clearly had moved on from being friendly with me, because he was openly being
flirty! Ni hindi na siya nag-iiwas ng tingin kapag nagtatama ang tingin namin!
Hindi na rin siya naiilang kapag tinatarayan ko siya!

And it bothered me even more that he was right! I ate everything he gave me because
I didn't want to waste it, and it was delicious! As if he knew what the best meal
for me was!

Kahit tuloy may dala akong pagkain ay hinihintay ko pa rin ang dadalhin niya sa
akin. In the third week, he went so far as to pack our lunches himself. Dalawang
beses tuloy akong kumakain!

"Let's go."

Nagbuntong-hinga agad ako nang marinig ang boses niya. "Hindi naman ako sasabay sa
'yo."

"Rush hour na. You'll be late . . . at baka masikip sa bus. You'll sweat."

"Sweating is a part of our lives, Mr. Zamora," I said as I stood up. "At isa pa,
dahil first day, hindi naman mahaba ang lecture. I'm sure I'll have enough time to
finish the review."

Hindi ko na siya hinintay na makasagot pa dahil sa huli, baka pumayag lang ako na
sumabay na sa kanya.

It was the first day of review, and we only had two hours of class time to get
through everything. Alas sais hanggang alas otso ng gabi ang itatagal noon.
Theories of Personality ang una naming ituturo at na-i-email na rin ni Ms. Lubrica
ang room number kung saan ako naka-assign.

I waited for a bus, a cab, or just about anything to take me to the university, but
it appeared that Leon was right . . . rush hour na at mahihirapan talaga akong
makasakay.

Namuo ang pawis ko sa noo kaya marahang pinunasan ko iyon ng panyo ko. I'm sure I
made the right choice by deciding not to go with Leon, right? First day pa lang
naman . . . baka maintindihan nila kapag na-late ako.

I sighed. Pagiging late na yata talaga ang magiging trademark ko sa mundo.

My cellphone beeped, and although I didn't want to check it, I knew I had to
because it might be something important or urgent.

From: Mr. Zamora

Text me when you stop giving in to your pride. I'll be waiting.

From: Mr. Zamora

And stop pouting.

Lalo lang akong napanguso. I looked off to the side and immediately saw his car.
Sinamaan ko iyon ng tingin kahit na heavily tinted ang windshield noon.

He sure tried hard to beat me, didn't he? Gusto niyang makita sa mukha ko na talo
ako dahil ang tanging choices ko lang ay ang ma-late o sumabay sa kanya. And of
course, he knew I couldn't bear to be late for this! Nakakahiya kay Ms. Lubrica!

To: Mr. Zamora

Fine, but don't say anything funny.

As if on cue, he started driving in my direction and pulled up in front of me.

Nakasimangot akong nagbukas ng pinto dahil hinayaan na naman ng mundo na siya ang
manalo.

Pagkapasok ko pa lang sa loob ay sumalubong na sa akin ang bango ng sasakyan niya.

His car was not fancy or made by a renowned manufacturer, but he took great care to
keep it spotless. It wasn't so surprising though . . . malinis naman kasi talaga
siya.

Walang imik niyang ini-adjust ang slider ng aircon para itapat sa akin. He also
grabbed his bag from the back seat, opened it, and took out a gradient of soft
yellow, blue, and purple . . . scrunchie?

Iniabot niya iyon sa akin bago muling inilagay ang bag sa likod.

I held the scrunchie tightly. Bakit siya may ganito? Was he trying to tell me that
he was dating someone? Hindi naman naggaganito si Tita! At saka, kung may
girlfriend pala siya, dapat ay hindi niya na ako hinaharot! He was sending me mixed
signals again! Mabuti na lang talaga at isinasarado ko na ang puso ko para sa
posibilidad na magkabalikan kami!

"Stop having those inner monologues and just ask me," he said, breaking off the
silence.

"Wala akong tanong," agad na sagot ko. "At ayokong mag-ipit! Iyo na 'yang panali mo
ng buhok."

Inilagay ko ang scrunchie sa glove compartment niya.

"Pinagpapawisan ka." Sumulyap siya sa akin habang nagmamaneho. "Some of your hair
is sticking in your neck."

So? Hindi ko pa rin gagamitin ang ipit ng iba, 'no!

"Ayaw mo ng kulay?" tanong niya pa. "I thought you'd like it because those are the
colors you usually use on your clients' eyes."

Natigilan ako. "What are you saying?"

"Dati . . ." His eyes were on the road.

"Ano?"

"You like those colors," he said. "Even your highlighters are yellow, light blue,
or pastel purple . . ."

I clenched my fist in my lap. "I don't have a particular favorite color, Mr.
Zamora."

"You liked them before . . . trust me." He chuckled. "Now, you're into monochromes,
golds, and browns."

Tumingin na lang ako sa labas. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I did
know that there were yellow, light blue, and pastel purple highlighters on my table
in his office. Hindi ko lang alam na pati iyon ay . . . napapansin niya. Ni hindi
ko iyon napapansin sa sarili ko.

"Sige na, magtali ka na ng buhok. I bought it in case you needed it."

He was making me fall in love with him again. I was sure of that. He was doing all
these things to win me back.
I had to stay grounded. Baka magkasakitan lang ulit kami. The more I prolong his
feelings, the more I prolong his pain. And that would be a vicious cycle. Wala na
dapat kaming asahan sa isa't isa. I could live my life thinking he was with
someone. I could go on with my life not giving a shit about him.

Kahit alam kong mayroon pa rin akong natitirang pagmamahal para sa kanya . . .
hindi ko dapat hayaang pangunahan ako ng damdamin ko.

"You told me we should forget about each other . . ." I whispered, eyes still on
the road. "And I did."

There was a long silence between us. Naramdaman ko ang unti-unting pagbagal ng
sasakyan at maya maya'y pagpatay niya sa makina.

We were now in the university's parking lot, but no one was getting out of the car,
as if we had all the time in the world.

"Wala naman akong sinabing kakalimutan kita."

My chest tightened up from the pain and the suppressed . . . happiness.

"At hangga't hindi pa 'ko nauubos, hangga't wala pang iba, hangga't natitiis mo pa
'ko . . ." He looked at me, the longing in his eyes clear to see. "Sana hayaan mong
ipaalala ko muna sa 'yo."

Chapter 32 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 32

We fell into such a deep silence that all I could hear was his heavy breathing and
my own racing heart.

The sun was setting, and the sky was a kaleidoscope of colors — the same sky I'd
been gazing at when he first told me he liked me.

Sa labas 'yon ng university noon kung saan naghihintay kami ng jeep, mga nakaputing
uniporme, barya ang nasa bulsa, at parehong wala pang alam sa mundong naghihintay.

A lot of things had really changed.

Ngayon, nasa parking lot kami dahil may sasakyan na siya, nakasuot ng mamahaling
damit at sapatos, may mga dolyar sa branded na bag at pitaka, at parehong
pinagtibay na ng panahon.

"Don't think about anything, Amari," he said after a long pause. "I know you're
over me . . . I'm just shooting my last shot."

Parang may kung anong kumirot sa dibdib ko. Isang tango lang ang nagawa ko bago
hinawakan ang door handle. My mind and my heart were arguing about which one of
them I should listen to, but my lips were having a hard time saying anything that
would make sense.

"Thank you for the ride," was all I could say.

Binuksan ko ang pinto at hindi na naghintay na makababa pa siya. I almost ran to

the department to keep him from getting to me. Gusto kong patigilin na siya sa kung
ano mang pinaplano niya pero may kung malaking parte sa puso ko ang gustong makita
kung ano ang magiging dulo ng ginagawa niya.

This was his last shot. Kaya siguro mas naging makulit siya . . . mas naging
diretso at mas naging malambing.

"Mari, dumiretso ka na sa room. The students are waiting," saad ni Ms. Lubrica sa
akin nang makita ako. "Si Leon ba?"

I took a deep breath as I forced a smile. "Nagpa-park lang po, ma'am."

"Okay. Nakaset-up na ang projector. Go ahead," she dismissed.

The review was a blur to me. I put everything aside to impart all my knowledge upon
the class. Kahit nang maramdaman ko ang pagdaan ni Leon sa room kung saan ako
nagtuturo ay pinigilan ko ang mag-isip ng ibang bagay na makakaabala sa akin.

I focused on my work and did it well because I wasn't getting paid to think about
my ex-boyfriend, who was having trouble getting over me. Mali talagang sumabay pa
ako sa kanya. My productivity would surely collapse if he were around; his words,
his being, his presence . . . would distract me.

"Next meeting, we'll have a mock exam that will cover what we discussed today, and
then look into an overview of Alfred Adler's Individual Psychology," sabi ko sa
klase. "Reading in advance is recommended. Hindi puwedeng umasa lang tayo sa
ganitong mga review. You guys have to dig into things yourselves, do you
understand?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"I'll send you the relevant files, but remember that not everything I discussed,
including the sample scenarios I presented, will be reflected there," dagdag ko pa.
"Kaya kailangan n'yong mag-take notes at makinig nang mabuti kapag may nagtuturo."

Nakita kong pumasok si Ms. Lubrica sa likuran ng room, nakangiti at handang

panoorin ako.

"Do you have any questions?" I asked the class.

"None po, ma'am," they answered in chorus.

I nodded as I kept my straight face. "Okay, then class is dismissed."

I grabbed my stuff and walked out of the room to get to Ms. Lubrica. Rinig ko pa
ang pagbuntong-hininga ng ilang estudyante at ang mga bulungan nila dahil masyado
akong diretso at strikta.

I didn't mind it. Marami kasing estudyante ang nag-iingay sa klase kapag wala
silang takot sa instructor. I'd rather be strict than have them not learn anything.

"If I were your student, I'd be scared," nangingising saad ni Ma'am habang patulak
kami sa faculty room.

"That's the goal, ma'am," tawa ko. "Baka po hindi sila makinig sa 'kin kapag hindi
ako naging strikta."

She nodded slowly. "Well, I'm pretty sure your class is direct and informative."

"It is," sagot ko. "The board exam is coming up. They can't afford to waste time."
Bahagya akong napatigil sa paglalakad nang makita si Leon na nakasandal sa dingding
at naghihintay na sa labas ng faculty room. Ilang estudyante rin ang bumati sa
kanya at tinanguan niya lang naman ang mga ito.

He looked lazy and bored as if he couldn't handle the night anymore.

Ilang estudyante pa ang dumaan sa harap niya, at agad na napataas ang kilay ko nang
kausapin niya ang isang babae. It was a student I handled. They talked briefly, and
as soon as the girl pointed in my direction, his eyes went right to me.

He straightened up and moved the bridge of his glasses as he watched us approach

him. Nag-init naman ang mukha ko nang marinig ang mahinang pagtawa ni Ms. Lubrica.
She didn't say anything, but I was sure she saw what that jerk did.

"Kumain muna tayo sa loob. I ordered," sabi ni Ma'am nang tuluyan kaming makarating
sa pwesto ni Leon.

Tumango lang ako. I mean, I hadn't eaten dinner yet, and it was already past 8. My
stomach was already grumbling in protest. Ramdam ko ang presensya ni Leon sa tabi
ko pero hindi ko siya tinapunan ng tingin. We were at work. We should exercise
professionalism. Isa pa, ang gutom ko ang gusto kong unahin ngayon . . . hindi ang
nararamdaman niya.

Kumuha si Leon ng isang upuan at inilagay iyon sa tapat ng mesa ni Ms. Lubrica. I
thought he'd sit there himself, so I pursed my lips when he pulled out another
chair. Tinulungan niya rin si Ma'am na ilabas sa supot ang mga pagkain. He placed
one of the meals in front of me and then laid the spoon, fork, and tissue next to
it.

Parang wala lang sa kanya ang ginagawa. It was like his reflex . . . his nature.
Kahit naman kasi noon ay lagi niya akong inaasikaso. Para bang bawal akong kumilos
kapag nand'yan siya.

Tahimik akong umupo at hinayaan siyang buksan ang lalagyan ng pagkain para sa 'kin.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman. Years had passed, and he still
treated me the same way he did in college. Mas mahirap lang na panoorin siyang
pagsilbihan ako ngayon lalo at marami na ang nagbago sa amin.

I looked over at Ms. Lubrica, and my heart constricted into a knot of pain when I
saw her gazing at Leon with sorrow in her eyes. Sinundan ng mata niya ang pag-
aasikaso sa akin ng lalaki na para bang nahahabag siya rito.

I cleared my throat as I dropped my eyes to the food. "I can manage, Mr. Zamora.
Thank you."

Marahan kong itinulak ang kamay niya na ngayon ay naglalapag na ng inumin sa gilid
ko. Pasimple akong tumingin sa pagkain niya at nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi
nang makitang hindi niya pa nagagalaw iyon.

"Kumain na tayo. Maaga pa ang trabaho n'yo bukas."

Ipinagpasalamat ko ang pagsasalita ni Ms. Lubrica. Still keeping my silence, I ate

everything that was there. May mangilan-ngilang tanong si Ma'am kay Leon at
sinubukan kong huwag na lang pagtuunan ng pansin iyon. Hindi ko kasi gusto ang
lagay ng dibdib ko. Hearing his voice makes me want to forget about the past and
start over with him.

And it was futile. Hindi dapat mahilom ng pag-aalaga niya sa akin ang sugat na
iniwan niya. He worked for the people who mistreated me. He teamed up with the
people I cried to him about. He accepted help from the people who had wronged the
woman he said he loved.

I was on the verge of becoming better . . . I couldn't let him stop me from getting
there.

"A master's degree is the next logical step for you, Leon," saad ni Ms. Lubrica.
"Many universities and institutions are willing to fund your education completely
through your doctorate. 'Wag mong sayangin ang opportunity."

"Wala pa po akong oras, ma'am. I'm working from Monday to Sunday," sagot naman
niya.

"That's why I've been telling you to stop working part-time. You have a good-paying
job. Hindi mo naman kailangang magturo dito dahil lang ayaw mong ako ang mag-cover
no'n." She sighed. "Just reviewing the students is good enough for me, Leon. You
don't need to help teach them every weekend because I can do it myself."

Hindi ko alam ang konteksto ng pinag-uusapan nila pero hindi ako tanga para hindi
maintindihan 'yon. Leon must be teaching here to help Ms. Lubrica. May shortage
kasi rito ng psychology instructors kaya kadalasan ay si Ms. Lubrica lang ang
naghahandle sa mga major subjects. Mahirap nga naman kasing magturo ng maraming
subject sa iba't ibang section.

"Pagkatapos na lang ng review, ma'am," sagot ng lalaki. "Kaunting units na lang

naman po ang i-ta-take ko."

Walang nagawa si Ma'am kung hindi ang tumango. They talked a bit more before she
turned to me.

"Ikaw ba, Mari? When do you plan to get your Ph.D.?"

Binitawan ko ang kutsara at tinidor dahil tapos na rin naman akong kumain. I leaned
back in my chair and focused my attention on her.

"I'm taking a break, ma'am. Baka po next semester or next year na," sagot ko. "But
I've started looking for good universities, and a few of them have already offered
me scholarships."

Agad siyang napangiti. "I'm sure you do. You'll bring honor to any university, so
this opportunity shouldn't surprise you."

My heart fluttered. "I doubt that, ma'am, but thank you. Mag-e-enroll na po sana
ako sa isang university sa Italy kung hindi ako nag-stay rito. I just had to change
my plans, but I'll still get that Ph.D. at the end of my name."

I could feel Leon's intense gaze penetrating me, but I chose not to look at him.

So, he really did stop working on his master's degree and take as many jobs as he
could. Sayang naman. Madali lang sana sa kanya iyon.

After we ate, we did a little cleaning. I texted Mill to pick me up, and she
agreed. Alam niya kasing ngayon ang umpisa ng review kaya gagabihin ako ng uwi.

"Uuna na ako sa inyo, ha? Hindi pa kumakain ang aso ko," pagpapaalam ni Ms.
Lubrica.

We bid her goodbye as she gave us a few more reminders about being on time for the
review before she left. Tuloy ay kami na lang ni Leon ang natira sa labas ng
university. Hindi ko nga alam kung ano pang hinihintay niya. May sasakyan naman
siya at pupuwede na siyang umalis.

"Hatid na kita."

Ah, okay. That immediately explains why he's still here.

Umiling ako. "Don't mind me."

"It's getting dark . . ."

"I can see that."

He sighed. "If this has anything to do with what I told you earlier, I won't open
it again. I'll take you home without saying a word."

"About that . . ." I looked at him. "Stop, okay?"

I saw how he was taken aback. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat isipin o gawin . . .
pero hanggang maaga pa ay kailangan niya nang tumigil. Getting back together with
him was out of the question. If I let him do all kinds of things for me . . . baka
umasa lang siyang posible pa. We were a closed case. Kailangan naming tandaan 'yon.

"Magkasama tayo sa trabaho," I continued. "I'll let you off the hook for now, but
keep in mind that jokes like that can make things awkward."

Dumaan ang sakit sa mata niya ngunit mabilis din iyong nawala. It happened so
quickly that I thought it was all just in my head.

Bago pa siya makasagot ay muli akong nagsalita.

"That is the last time I want to hear you say anything funny like that, do you
understand?"

He turned his head away, a forced smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"You found that funny?" he whispered.

My heart throbbed. "Let's just keep our relationship on a professional level. It

will be easier that way."

Muli kaming natahimik. Hindi ko alam kung tama 'tong ginagawa ko, pero ayokong
sumunod lang lagi sa emosyon ko. Our love was doomed from the start, and the only
way to move on was to pretend we didn't share so many beautiful memories together.

"Halika na . . . ihahatid na kita," he said softly. "Don't worry, I won't say

anything funny again."

Umiling ako. "May susundo sa 'kin kaya umuna ka na."

I turned to gaze at my feet, but before I could, I caught a glimpse of his closed
fist, with veins bulging through his skin.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin doon. Now I wasn't so sure where to look anymore. Lagi
kasing hinihigit ng presensya niya ang mga mata ko.

Sampung minuto kaming walang imik sa isa't isa. Hindi pa rin siya umalis sa tabi ko
kahit na sinabi kong may susundo naman sa 'kin. Inisip ko na lang na ginawa niya
iyon para makita kung nagsisinungaling ako o hindi.
"Mari!"

Mula sa kabilang kalsada ay narinig ko ang boses ni Mill. I searched all over to
see if I could find her, and as soon as I did, a smile formed on my lips.

Lumipad ang tingin niya sa kasama ko. Her brow furrowed almost in an instant, and I
could swear that if looks were capable of killing, Leon would be found dead.

"Siya ang susundo sa 'yo?" tanong ni Leon sa akin.

"Yeah . . ."

Hinintay kong makatawid si Mil. Kunot na kunot ang noo niya at masama ang tingin sa
lalaki.

"Ba't kasama mo 'yan?" tanong niya, ni walang pakialam kung narinig siya ni Leon.

Pinandilatan ko siya. "Katrabaho ko, Mill, 'di ba?"

"Ano naman? Ang dilim-dilim dito tapos kayong dalawa lang. Baka mamaya kung ano'ng
gawin n'yan, eh."

"Mill!" I yelled out.

"I'd never hurt her . . ." singit ni Leon na lalong nagpalisik sa mata ng kaibigan
ko.

"Talaga ba, ha?"

Hinawakan ko ang braso niya nang humakbang pa siya palapit dito.

"Millicent, I'm tired. Let's go home," I said.

Hindi nagpatinag ang babae. She was just glaring at Leon as if her anger had
finally come out of hiding.

"Sinabi mo rin sa 'kin no'ng graduation 'yan, ah? Sinabi mong hindi mo sasaktan
pero ano'ng ginawa mong tanga ka?"

"Mill!" I shouted. "It's done! Get over it!"

"Tigas ng mukha mong lumapit pa kay Mari. Kailangan mo pa bang masapak para maalog
'yang utak mo?"

Out of frustration, I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of there. Naglakad kami
palayo kay Leon na higit-higit ko siya. She was sulking, almot throwing a tantrums.
Nang tuluyang makalayo ay galit na hinarap ko siya.

"Why are you being irrational?!"

Umirap siya. "Akala ko ba hindi mo na mahal? Ba't kasama mo?"

"Dahil nga magkatrabaho kami! Gaano ba kahirap intindihin 'yon?!" sigaw ko. "At isa
pa, hindi ba at ikaw naman ang nagsabi sa 'kin na baka may rason kung ba't nagkita
kami ulit?! Get your head straight!"

"Mari, it's only been a month since you started working together! Punyeta,
pahirapan mo naman!" sagot niya. "Alam kong mahal mo pa pero 'wag kang magpadalos-
dalos. Eh, ni hindi ka nga niya na-contact no'ng nasa Italy ka!"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya nang tinamaan ako sa huling sinabi niya.

"I don't understand you, Mill. One time you were totally on board with my so-called
feelings for him, and now you're freaking out over nothing."

She heaved a sigh. "Mari, my point is that you shouldn't be so soft on him."

"Oh, god! I just turned him down by saying that his feelings were a joke, okay? I'm
not soft on him!"

Napatigil siya. "Totoo?"

"Yes!" I answered.

"Then, good job. As much as possible, layuan mo. Ipakita mong wala ka nang
pakialam. See if he'll chase you. See if he'll care." She grinned. "If he didn't,
good riddance. If he did, you can let your guard down and give in to your
feelings."

"Hindi ko na nga mahal, Mill . . ."

Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko nang sinabi 'yon at hindi ko alam kung ano ang
gusto kong patunayan. Maybe it was just my way of protecting my ego. Hindi ko kasi
kayang tanggapin na may natitira pa . . . na may maliit pa rin siyang parte sa puso
ko.

"Okay, sige na. Hindi mo na mahal." Isang hakbang siyang lumapit sa akin at
iniangkla ang kamay ko sa braso niya. "Basta dahan-dahan. Things that are rushed
usually end badly, and after everything you've been in, you don't deserve to cry
over him again. Kung may iiyak man sa dulo . . . hindi na ikaw 'yon."

That same night, I thought about what she said and let them seep into my chest.
Hindi ko nga alam kung dapat ba akong makinig sa kanya gayong madalas namang
magkaiba ang opinyon namin tungkol sa mga ganitong bagay.

But then, what she said struck a chord in my being.

Sa relasyon namin ni Leon . . . I wonder who cried longer, who cried more, who
cried harder.

Puno ng luha ang mata niya noon nang umalis siya sa apartment. Maybe his choice
might have hurt him, too. He did what a son and a brother would do. At kung ako ang
nasa posisyon niya, baka ganoon din ang gawin ko. I'd probably risk him for my
friends, too. Ano ba naman 'yong isuko ang isang tao para sa kalagayan ng mga mahal
mo, 'di ba?

"Amari's over me, Thaddeus."

That was the first thing I heard as I was about to enter our office. Napatigil
tuloy ako sa pintuan dala ng kuryosidad. I was an hour early today because I
couldn't bring myself to sleep . . . I didn't know Leon was here already.

"I took your advice. I've been vocal and expressive. I didn't hold back. I just did
what I wished I'd done for her all these years we haven't been together . . ."

I clenched my fist and tried not to have any emotional reaction to that. Ngayon ko
lang siya narinig na magkwento sa kaibigan niya tungkol sa akin.
"Nahihiya ako sa kanya, Thaddeus."

He chuckled, but I was sure it was a fake one.

"Sabi na, eh. Dapat hindi ko na sinubukan. She's doing well on her own. She's
thriving, beautiful, and strong-willed. Sana wala na lang akong ginawa. Baka lalo
lang akong layuan."

There was a long pause before he spoke again.

"I don't know. Lie low?" he muttered. "Nahihiya rin ako sa kaibigan niya. I
promised her I'd take care of Amari. I promised her I wouldn't hurt her . . . but I
didn't keep my word."

He heaved a sigh that seemed to squeeze my chest tighter. Though his tone was
casual, his words were loaded with emotion and sadness.

"Hindi ko talaga alam, Thaddeus. I wish I could just call Nanay and ask her. She's
always got the best advice."

Agad na dinaga ang dibdib ko sa sinabi niya, ngunit hindi pa iyon tuluyang
napoproseso ng utak ko ay muli siyang nagsalita.

"What's more to lose? I'll just wear myself out and give it all I've got until I'm
done." Mahina siyang tumawa. "Easy for you to say I should move on. Try it in
Shaira, and then we'll talk. You know I can't love anyone else but Amari."

For some reason, I felt tears clouding my eyes.

Bakit ganito si Leon? I was purposely hurting and avoiding him . . . hindi niya na
dapat ako mahal.

I sent him out the door of our apartment at the crack of dawn, even though he was
only wearing thin clothes. I threw him his luggage! Hindi niya ba naaalala 'yon? He
lost so much strength in his hand that he couldn't pick up his jacket that I flung
on the floor!

Nasaktan ko na siya. Nasaktan niya na 'ko. I've given up hope for us, so what the
hell is stopping him from doing the same?! Hindi dapat ganito katindi ang
pagmamahal niya sa 'kin. He should stop because I could never shrug off our past.

"She'll be here in 30. Mag-aayos muna ako."

Tumalikod ako sa pinto at naglakad papunta sa cafeteria para bumili ng tubig.

Kumikirot ang dibdib ko dahil alam kong walang ibang magmamahal sa akin katulad ni
Leon. And yet, being with him would be a constant battle for my head and heart.

Umakyat lang ako limang minuto bago ang simula ng trabaho ko. I even ran into Paolo
in the cafeteria, but he was so busy that we didn't talk much. Nasa sariling mesa
na si Leon at gaya ng nakasanayan kong makita tuwing umaga ay nagbabasa na siya ng
mga dokumento.

"Good morning, Ms. Mendoza," bati niya nang makita ako.

Gone was the talkative Leon who was just ranting at his best friend.

"Good morning," sagot ko. "We have a patient in two hours referred by Dr. Manzano.
Have you checked the report?"
"Yes. Good prognosis."

Tumango ako. "She's an in-patient subjected to discharge. I need the results of the
tests she took printed out in 15."

He stood up, preparing to follow my orders.

"Send me her mental health history after that. We'll also have our scheduled
counseling sessions within the hospital later. How many signed up and in what
department?"

"Two nurses," agap niya. "Both are scheduled for the afternoon."

"Okay. I'll be setting up long-term plans for counseling with three of the patients
we saw last week. Are you done scoring their evaluations?" I asked. "And, have you
done inventory checks on the needed forms and tools? No shortages?"

Bahagya siyang natulala sa akin bago tumango. "The evaluations are on your desk.
And yes, I did an inventory check yesterday before leaving."

He was so passionate about his job. If not for my license, he could have easily
gotten the upper hand. Ngayon ngang psychometrician pa lang ang lisensya niya ay
maganda na ang posisyon niya. Just imagine if he shared my credentials.

Gusto kong itanong ang tungkol kay Tita Leah. Why couldn't he call her . . . and
what exactly happened. May naiisip akong sagot sa mga tanong ko pero parang hindi
ko matanggap. I've never thought about that until now. And if my gut feeling was
right, I wouldn't dare imagine what Leon had been through.

"You'll have a long day . . ." mahinang sabi niya. "Do you want green tea?"

Matigas ang pag-iling ko. Accepting tea from him wouldn't be so professional,
right?

"Why not check the progress of my office? Hindi pa rin ba tapos ang renovation?"
tanong ko.

Ibinagsak niya ang tingin sa mga papel sa mesa niya. "Gusto mo nang lumipat?"

"Doon naman talaga dapat ako, 'di ba?"

He nodded. "Check ko mamaya."

As if in a hurry, he gathered all the documents, and since there was a lot on his
table, his knuckles bumped into his picture frame, causing it to fall to the floor.

Kasabay ng pagkabasag ng salamin noon ay ang panunuyo ng lalamunan ko dahil agad

kong nakilala ang naroon.

A two-photo collage of me and Tita Leah.

One was when Tita Leah was smiling at the camera and their store in the wet market
was in the background. The other was my current Facebook profile picture, which was
taken when I was wearing a toga to celebrate getting my master's degree.

"Please go inside your office," he said, his eyes on the frame. "And please . . .
don't ask me to remove this."
Huminga ako nang malalim, pinipilit na huwag makaramdam ng kaunting tuwa sa nakita.
"Why that picture?"

Mukha siyang nagulat sa tanong ko pero nang mag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin ay
mapungay naman ang mga mata niya.

"Because it could have been us. I could have been there with you. I could have been
the one behind the camera," he replied with such softness in his voice.

Hindi ako nakasagot lalo at naramdaman ko ang pagtama ng pangungulila sa puso ko.

"I chose that picture because I could have had the loudest clap among the crowd
when your name was called . . . I could have been the one you'd run to after
receiving your diploma . . . I could have been there, hugging and telling you how
proud I was of you."

The sides of his lips curled a bit.

"As your rival, I admit defeat . . ."

Chapter 33 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 33

That day was a total disaster for me. I couldn't focus on my work because his words
kept echoing in my head.

He was still in love with me . . . kahit na sinasadya ko siyang saktan para matapos
na siya sa akin. I said our feelings were shallow. Na ang nararamdaman niya ay
nakakatawa at isang biro lang.

I didn't mean that . . . I never would.

Pero imposible na. Kahit gaano pa namin kagustong balikan ang isa't isa, nasubok na
kami ng panahon . . . at kahit gaano katindi ang pagmamahalan namin, alam kong
hindi kailanman magiging sapat 'yon.

If it was, then we shouldn't have broken up. Mahal din naman namin ang isa't isa
noon. Inilaban din naman namin ang isa't isa noon. Nasasaktan . . . pero niyakap
din naman namin ang isa't isa noon.

And yet . . . we still failed.

We made the mistake of going against our fate. We disobeyed the laws of nature, and
that was our downfall.

Hindi ko dapat hayaang magkamali ulit kami. Kasi siguro nga tama si Mill. The
universe has a reason for connecting our paths again, and that reason could be to
show us where we went wrong when we loved each other.

Hindi ko alam kung pagsisisihan ko 'to . . . pero sa ngayon, alam kong ito ang
tama. A month of his playful antics and sincere efforts to restore what we once
shared was more than enough for me to make it through this life.

Tama na siguro 'yon. At least, hindi ang paghihiwalay namin ang huli kong maaalala
sa kanya.

Mind over matter, Amari. Letting your heart win means giving him another chance to
hurt you.

"I'll go ahead," saad ko sa kanya nang matapos ang trabaho.

Tahimik lang kami buong araw at hindi na rin naman siya sumubok na lapitan ako.

From the documents he was reading, he lifted his head. "Ingat ka."

I nodded. "You too."

Pagkauwi ko no'ng araw na 'yon ay agad kong hinanap sa Facebook si Tita Leah, pero
wala namang lumabas na kahit ano. I wanted to ask Shaira what happened because I
was sure she knew, but it didn't feel right.

Ayokong malaman sa ibang tao ang pinagdaanan ni Leon . . . pero wala rin naman
akong lakas ng loob para matanong nang diretso.

"May number ka ba ni Leon?"

Napatingin ako kay Mill na abalang-abala sa pagta-type sa laptop niya. Kanina pa

ako nandito at iyon ang una niyang tanong sa akin.

"Aanhin mo?"

"In case of emergency," sagot niya, ni hindi na lumingon sa akin. "Maganda na ring
may contact info ako ng mga nakakasama mo para kapag hindi ka matawagan ay siya ang
kakausapin ko."

Ikinunot ko ang noo. "At ano, aarte kang hindi mo siya pinagsalitaan? News flash
lang, ha? Minura-mura mo 'yong tao. You can't expect him to do us favors."

Matagal siyang hindi nagsalita kaya akala ko ay tapos na ang usapan naming iyon.
She continued typing on her laptop but suddenly stopped midway. Umarko ang kilay ko
nang humarap siya sa akin, seryoso ang mukha at tila malalim ang iniisip.

"I-text mo. Itanong mo kung puwede kong makuha ang number niya."

I sighed. "Hindi ka ba nahihiya?"

"He broke his promise to me, nahiya ba siya?" ganti niya. "Sige na. I-text mo na.
It's not like I'm gonna swallow him alive or anything."

Umiling lang ako. Baka kung ano pa ang masabi niya sa lalaki. Unang beses nga
nilang nagkita at kung ano-ano nang lumabas sa bibig niya. Iyon pa kayang may
kakayahan siyang makausap ito sa isang tipa niya lang sa cellphone.

"Amari, i-text mo."

"Eh!" tanggi ko. "Hindi kami close."

"You seem casual to him. Ba't hindi mo na lang gawin?" pangungulit niya pa. "Hindi
ko siya kakausapin kung hindi importante. Hindi lang talaga ako makakauwi next
month kaya kapag ginabi ka ay hindi kita masusundo."

"At saan ka naman pupunta?"

She rolled her eyes. "Trabaho."

"You'll be busy with your work, and you'll trust me to Leon?" takang tanong ko.
"Hinding-hindi ko talaga maiintindihan ang takbo ng utak mo."

"Siya ang nakakasama mo. Ano'ng magagawa ko?"

I frowned. "You scared him! Tapos pababantayan mo 'ko?! May pasabi ka pang huwag
akong lapitan! Walk the talk, Mill!"

"Fine!" She breathed deeply. "I just said that to show how much damage he has done
to you! I want to hurt him, okay?! I want justice for your fucking swollen eyes
every time we had a video call! I want to make fun of him so that I can take
revenge for your pain over the years!"

"I don't need to take revenge! And please . . . hindi lang ako 'yong nasaktan!" I
closed my eyes for a while to calm myself. "Sinabi ko na sa 'yo, 'di ba? Leon has
his reasons. Alam kong naintindihan mo 'yon. Gaya mo, gagawin niya rin ang lahat
para sa mga mahal niya."

Tumayo ako nang hindi siya nagsalita.

"I'll cook our dinner. Gawin mo na 'yang trabaho mo at 'wag mo na akong

problemahin. I lived on my own abroad for years. I can look after myself now," saad
ko. "At saka, ano ba? I know you love me, but getting even is a waste of time,
Mill. I've learned, grown up, and accomplished things . . . my successes are my
ultimate revenge."

Nang mga sumunod na araw ay hindi naman na ako kinulit ng kaibigan tungkol doon.
Siya na rin ang nagluto ng tanghalian ko dahil baka matagalan daw bago siya makauwi
kapag nagsimula na ang field work niya at mag-iisa ako sa apartment.

We were back to normal . . . hindi naman ako para magalit sa kanya dahil sa sinabi
niya kay Leon. Mga bata pa lang naman kasi kami ay ayaw niya nang may nagpapaiyak
sa amin. She sees us as people who can't do anything bad. Kaya kahit kami ang mali
ay nakikipag-away siya para sa amin. Ang dahilan niya, kami-kami lang din naman daw
ang magkakakampi sa huli.

A tear in our eye could send her over the edge. That was her trigger. She was ready
to toss the whole reason out the window just to punish anyone who made us cry.

Seeing my red, puffy eyes on the screen of her laptop may have pained her deeply,
especially because she couldn't reach out to me . . . kasi malayo ako at hindi niya
alam kung sino ang dapat niyang saktan para sa 'kin. It must've frustrated her.

"Your office reeks of paint," sabi ni Leon habang inilalapag ang mga psychological
test ng isang pasyente sa mesa ko. "I could work there until the smell clears
up . . . kung gusto mo."

I shook my head. This is his office, and just because I'm not at ease having him
around doesn't mean he has to make any adjustments to accommodate my needs. Kung
may mag-a-adjust man sa aming dalawa, ako 'yon.

"Thank you for letting me use your office, Mr. Zamora. Let's keep this until things
are sorted out."

Tumango siya. "I'll keep you updated."

For the past few days, he has done nothing out of the ordinary. Napansin kong hindi
na rin siya umaalis kapag lunch break at mukhang nagbaon na rin siya ng packed
lunch niya. He stopped giving me food, but every morning before we started working,
he would always bring me coffee. Pansin ko ring hindi umaalis ang sasakyan niya
kapag hindi pa ako nakakasakay. I wouldn't assume he was waiting for me.

Sometimes, I would notice he was looking at me. Sa university, kapag nauna siyang
matapos sa review ay dadaan siya sa room kung saan ako nagtuturo at panonoorin ako.
Kung hindi pa ako titingin sa kanya ay hindi siya magkukunwaring napadaan lang.

"May something ba si Sir Zamora kay Ma'am?" narinig kong tanong ng estudyante sa
dalawang kaklase niya. They didn't know that I was behind them. "Iisang batch sila,
'di ba? Summa Cum Laude si Sir tapos Magna Cum Laude si Ma'am. Parehas pang
topnotcher."

"Hindi ko lang alam. Parang meron, 'no?" sagot ng kaklase. "Laging nagtatanong si
Sir kung tapos na ang klase natin kay Ma'am, eh. Baka magkaibigan?"

"Girl, ang awkward nila bilang friends," tawa ng isa. "Feeling ko nagka-something
sila pero naghiwalay at si Sir ang may kasalanan. Mukhang irita si Ma'am sa kanya,
eh."

I pursed my lips. I'm not annoyed! This is just my normal face!

"Ang guwapo ni Sir. Parang kahit sampalin niya ako, patatawarin ko pa rin." They
laughed. "Same lang kay Ma'am. Isang arko lang ng kilay, feeling ko nababakla ako."

Napailing na lang ako. Siguro ay dapat kong kausapin si Leon para hindi kami pag-
chismisan ng mga estudyante. Baka akalaian nilang naglalandian kami at hindi pa
kami seryosohin. Our relationship was the last thing that should concern them.

"Jusko! Kung totoong may past sila, ang hot siguro nila noon, 'no?! Imagine,
parehas silang mukhang masungit pero soft sila sa isa't isa?! Magkasalubong ang
kilay pero magka-holding hands! Magkagalit pero nagki-kiss!"

I cleared my throat loud enough for them to hear. Agad silang napalingon sa likuran
at nawalan ng kulay ang mukha nila nang makita ako.

"M-Ma'am!"

I arched my brow. "Since you have a lot of time to chitchat, I assume you've read
about our topic in advance?"

Umawang ang labi ng isa. "S-Sorry po, ma'am!"

I breathed deeply. "Make sure you give the board exam the same amount of energy,
okay?"

"Yes po, ma'am! Sorry po ulit!"

Tumango na lang ako at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Nakita ko pa si Leon na papasok

din sa room kung saan siya magtuturo. He looked at my room, but since I wasn't
there yet, he just went into his. Ipinagkibit-balikat ko na lang iyon.

Like the other days after the review, we ate in the faculty room at Ms. Lubrica's
table. Nauna ring umuwi si Ma'am at tahimik namang naghintay si Leon hanggang
makasakay ako. Kahit noong ilang beses pa akong sinundo ni Mill ay hindi siya
umaalis hangga't hindi pa kami nakakaalis. Mabuti nga at hindi na siya pinansin ng
babae.
I watched as he took a picture of the plate number of the vehicle I was in and then
walked back to his car.

He was always like that . . . hindi ko tuloy alam kung tama bang ipagtulakan ko pa
siya o ano.

"ABC model of psychology . . ."

Isang beses ay napadaan ako sa room kung saan siya nagtuturo at hindi ko maiwasang
mapatigil nang marinig iyon mula sa kanya. He wasn't aware of my presence because
his full attention was on his class. Sandali ko kasing iniwan ang klase ko para
sana magbanyo.

"A, antecedent. Mga pangyayari sa buhay natin na hindi natin maco-control. B,

behavior. Naging ugali o response natin sa antecedent. C, consequence. Resulta ng
naging behavior natin."

He walked around, and his students followed him with their gaze.

"Let's say your family had an ugly past. Your father was a gambler, and he left
your mother with a lot of debts and no money to feed you and your younger siblings.
That's the antecedent," he said. "Behavior, your younger brothers grew up to become
drug addicts. Consequence, they went to jail, and now that they're out, no one
wants to work with them. No school wants to accept them. They now only have a small
store with little to no money coming in."

Tahimik lang ang mga estudyante kaya lalo akong nakapakinig. Something about the
example was too familiar to ignore.

"When I was in first year, I was asked which of the antecedent and the behavior was
to blame for an ugly consequence."

He moved the bridge of his glasses.

"Ang sagot ko . . . behavior. The antecedent only serves as a catalyst, but in the
end, our choice is what matters. Kasi ikaw . . . lumaki ka naman nang maayos, eh.
Instead of taking drugs like your siblings did, you helped your mother make ends
meet. You didn't just sit around and think about the past; you did something to
prevent it from affecting your future."

Muli siyang naglakad pabalik sa mesa niya at tiningnan ang mga estudyante.

"Class, do you agree? Na behavior natin ang dapat sisihin?"

"Yes, sir," they answered in chorus.

Napangiti siya bago dahan-dahang umiling.

"You shouldn't."

Kumunot ang noo ko. I'm sure I've been standing here for a while, but I couldn't
help but pay close attention to what he was saying. Tama naman siya. Magkaiba ang
naging buhay nila ng mga kapatid niya o . . . magkaiba ang naging buhay ng mga
tauhan sa kwento niya.

"One of the girls in my class pointed out that this kind of thinking invalidates
coping mechanisms."

My heart clenched when I realized who he was referring to.

"Hindi ko pa naiintindihan 'yon noon. My point back then was that if we had a
choice, why pick the wrong one? Why would you risk your future just because you had
a bad past?" Muli siyang umiling. "But as I grew up . . . as we grew up, I realized
that she had a point. Na hindi lang kasalanan ng mga nakakabata mong kapatid kung
bakit sila lumaking ganoon. Why? Because while you and your mother were so busy
making money, you neglected to influence and nurture them as children in need of
guidance."

"Eh, sir, may point din naman ang argument n'yo. They need to adjust to the
situation. Hindi naman po tamang sabihing ayos lang ang ginawa nila. Just because
we're in pain doesn't mean we have to add to the misery of others," sabi ng isang
estudyante.

Tumango si Leon. "Yes . . . But who are we to tell them that their way of dealing
with the problem was wrong? That their reaction to pain wasn't right?"

"But using drugs to cope shouldn't be seen as normal," giit ng estudyante.

"Agree." He nodded again. "Pero kapag may pinagdadaanan ka, are you sure you can
make good decisions all the time? That you won't give in to your impulses? That
you'll always know what's best for you?"

Humarap siya sa whiteboard at nagsulat ng A at B doon.

"That's why these two are to blame," he said. "We're in the field of psychology.
Paano kapag may lumapit sa atin na ganito ang pinagdadaanan? Should we persecute
them? Should we tell them they deserve it?" Umiling siya. "No . . . we'll look into
their history. We'll try to find out what makes them behave that way. We won't
approve of what they did, but we'll understand where it came from."

For some reason, amusement filled my heart. Nalimutan ko yatang magaling siya . . .
at ngayong naririnig siyang magsalita nang ganoon ay bumabalik ang dahilan kung
bakit niya nakuha ang atensyon ko.

"People's lives are like trees. Antecedents are the roots, behaviors are the
branches, and the consequences are the fruits. If a branch produces rotten fruit,
instead of cutting it off, you could just uproot it and replant it with a new,
stronger tree. Get rid of the overgrown grass around it and water it
regularly . . . 'yan ang role natin bilang mental health practitioners. We help
people uproot themselves from their bad upbringings. In this way, we show them that
it's never too late to start anew."

Pakiramdam ko ay natuto rin ako sa narinig. I never thought about it again over the
years. Iyon ang una naming debate . . . at iyon ang unang beses na natalo niya ako.
But right now, he was here, teaching and saying, I had a point . . . we both had.

"Sir, sino 'yong girl?" panunukso ng isang estudyante matapos ang mahabang
katahimikan. "Si Ma'am Mendoza ba?"

Nagtawanan sila at agad kong naramdaman ang pag-akyat ng dugo sa mukha ko.

"Don't tease me with her . . ." suway ni Leon. "Baka magalit."

"Hala, si Ma'am nga!"

Umiling siya. "Class, turn down your voice. Baka marinig tayo sa kabila."

"Yie . . . takot si Sir!"

Umalis na ako roon bago niya pa malamang huli na ang lahat . . . na narinig ko na
ang panunukso sa amin. When I got to the room, my cheeks were all warm. Mabuti at
takot sa akin ang mga tinuturuan ko dahil hindi sila nakapagtanong. I just
proceeded with what needed to be done.

Naging palaisipan sa akin ang sample situation na binigay ni Leon. If it was based
on his experience, then Nash and Nathaniel should be out of jail by now. Ilang taon
na rin naman ang lumipas. Mga binata na rin sila. It would be just a little sad if
they didn't have a job to pay their bills. Siguro ay tumutulong pa rin si Leon sa
kanila.

From: Katana

Mill called me. Tawagan mo 'ko paggising mo.

I got that message the first Saturday after Mill left for her field work.
Nagpaplano akong bumisita kina Karsen at Gayle ngayong araw dahil wala naman akong
gagawin bukod sa Saturday and Sunday weekly itinerary ko sa public library.

Nakanguso akong nagtipa ng reply sa kaibigan. Panigurado kasing nagsumbong na naman

si Mill sa kanya.

To: Katana

Gising na 'ko. Pero kung ano man ang sinabi sa 'yo ni Mill, she's lying.

Bumangon ako at naghanda na sa pagsisimula ng araw. I went for a run and then drank
some tea. I also checked if I had any work that was waiting for me, but thankfully,
there was none. Natapos ko na ang lesson plan, reviewers, at presentations para sa
buong linggo. I had the whole day to myself.

Maliligo na sana ako para maaga akong makapunta sa library nang mag-ring ang
cellphone ko. It was, of course, Kat.

"Hello?" Ini-loud speaker ko ang cellphone.

"Pinapatawagan ka sa 'kin ni Mill," bungad niya.

I pulled up a chair and sat there. "Bakit daw?"

"You tell me."

I scoffed. "I'm safe, okay? If she's that worried, she shouldn't have left me
here."

"Mari . . ." Sumeryoso ang boses ni Kat. "She said I should talk to you because she
wasn't the best person to help you."

Bahagya akong natigilan. "Tulungan saan? I'm okay."

"I don't know. She sounds guilty when she calls me. Nagtalo ba kayo?"

I shook my head. "Hindi."

"Then I'm guessing it's about Leon," she blurted out. "Magkasama kayo sa trabaho,
'di ba? Ano'ng ginawa ni Mill?"

I sighed when I realized what she was referring to. Hindi ko alam na iniisip pa rin
iyon ni Mill.

"You know Mill . . ." I sighed as I answered. "She's irrational at times."

"Sinuntok si Leon?"

"No. She just said something . . . really rude."

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga niya. "Nagalit si Leon?"

Dahan-dahan akong umiling. "I don't think so. Hindi naman nagbago ang pakikitungo
niya sa akin sa trabaho." Hindi na lang talaga niya ako nilalapitan . . . which I
guessed I asked for. Iyon din naman ang tama.

"Are you okay working with him? Hindi awkward?"

"Awkward," I admitted. "But manageable."

"How do you treat him?"

"Just . . . casually."

"Sinusungitan mo?"

I pursed my lips. "Sometimes."

"I'll take that as always," she muttered.

"Kat, tapos na kami ni Leon. Hindi na dapat siya umaasang magkabalikan kami. I need
to keep my distance and make him feel that he no longer has any place in my life,"
depensa ko. "He still loves me . . . if that helps."

There was a long pause before she spoke again.

"Eh, ikaw?"

I bit my lower lip and shook my head. "Tapos na kami, Kat."

"I understand Mill now." She sighed. "Kaya sinabi niyang hindi ka niya matutulungan
kasi parehas kayong matigas na ang puso . . . and she knows that hiding your
emotions deep down is no path to joy . . . because she's been doing that for
years."

I chuckled. "Matigas ang puso? I'm not. If I am, edi sana hindi ko rin nagustuhan
si Kobe para kay Karsen, 'di ba? I supported their relationship."

"Life is short, Mari. Protecting yourself from pain is good, but as you keep your
guard up, you also make it harder for happiness to come in," aniya. "I don't know
if you're lying about your feelings for Leon, but I hope you figure it out. 'Wag
kang gumawa ng bagay na pagsisisihan mo."

I heaved a sigh. "I don't know, Kat. Hindi ko 'to napaghandaan. I thought he'd
moved on . . . mas magiging madali sa akin kung ganoon."

"Really? Can you handle the pain of knowing that he doesn't care about you anymore?
Can you see him dating another woman?"

I clenched my fist. I don't want to think about it.

"If yes . . . then congratulations." She chuckled softly. "If not . . . think of
your choices. Hindi katangahan ang pagpapatawad. And I hope you and Mill live your
lives not fearing pain. Kasi parte 'yan ng buhay."

Pumikit ako at inisip ang mga ginawa at patuloy na ginagawa ni Leon para sa akin.
Ngayon, naghihintay na lang akong mapagod siya. Kapag nahuhuli ko siyang tumitingin
sa akin ay umiiwas lang ako. Hindi ko rin siya kinakausap kung hindi tungkol sa
trabaho. I'm just waiting until he gives up . . . but if that happens, I'm not sure
what to do next. Hindi ko pa iniisip.

"I miss you, Mari," Kat whispered. "If there's one thing we really regret, it's not
being there for you when you needed help."

"Hindi n'yo kasalanan 'yon . . ."

"Be a little more patient with Mill, okay? She worried about you for months when
she found out you were alone abroad. Kung may pera lang 'yon, napuntahan ka na
no'n," she muttered. "And please, just this once, do what makes you happy. Kapag
nasaktan ka ulit . . . we're here to cry with you."

After that call, I felt renewed. Kat has that power. She will make you look at
things from different angles, and you won't even realize that she's already getting
you to choose happiness.

Ni hindi ko nga napagtantong tama siya . . . na naduduwag lang akong masaktan ulit.

I wonder if my fear of pain is greater than my feelings for Leon.

Kaya ko ba siyang patawarin? I don't know. I'm not even mad at him . . . I'm just
scared.

Kaya gusto kong kalimutan niya na ako . . . kasi siguro, natatakot akong unti-
unting matunaw ng pagmamahal niya ang ibinalot kong proteksyon sa sarili ko.

Kina Karsen na ako nagtanghalian. Isang oras lang ang tinagal ko dahil may pasok pa
si Gayle at dahil si Karsen din naman ang teacher niya, kinailangan nilang bumalik
agad sa school. Gayle wanted me to come along because she said I was a doll she
wanted to show off to her classmates. Natawa lang ako lalo at muntik na silang ma-
late sa pangungulit sa akin ng bata.

I spent the whole afternoon reading at the library. Maraming mga bagong study ang
lumalabas at ikinatuwa ko iyon dahil marami akong magagamit na related literature
kapag sinimulan ko ang dissertation ko.

"A prominent research institute is conducting experiments on humans to evaluate the

efficacy of its medical discoveries," mahinang basa ko. "The institute has been
bringing in patients who are abandoned at mental health facilities in the knowledge
that no one will care if they die from exposure to chemicals and experim—"

Napatigil ako sa pagbabasa nang marinig ang paghigit ng isang upuan sa mesang
katabi ko. I raised my head to see who was there, and when I realize that it was
Leon, my heart immediately began to flutter. Nang magtama ang mga mata namin ay
wala akong nabasang pagkagulat sa kanya.

"There's no vacant table . . ." sabi niya.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. Hindi ko naman pagmamay-ari ang library para pagdamutan
siyang umupo malapit sa akin.
Katatapos lang siguro ng klase niya. He had his laptop and bag with him. Ayaw niya
bang dumiretso na sa kanila para magpahinga? His brain needed a break.

Isinarado ko ang librong binabasa at kumuha ng isa pa. I continued reading, taking
note of the page numbers where I found useful information. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni
Leon. He wrote down everything he needed in his notebook.

I pursed my lips when I felt the urge to talk to him. Nakakahiya . . . baka isipin
niya ay gusto kong makipagbalikan.

"Lagi kang ganitong oras pumupunta rito?" marahang tanong niya bago pa ako
makapagsalita.

Something within me seemed to be rejoicing, and I had to swallow hard to calm it.
"Oo . . . every weekend. This is the only free time I have."

Nasa screen ng laptop ang atensyon niya pero kapansin-pansin ang pag-angat ng sulok
ng labi niya. "And you still study?"

"Ikaw rin naman, ah? You should go home and . . . rest. You're working nonstop." I
pinched myself when I realized that it sounded too worried. "I-I mean, ikaw ang
bahala."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kinakabahan ako. Maybe because it's outside our working
hours . . . and I'm talking to him about something not related to work. We were
being so professional these days that it was a little scary to talk to him like
this.

"Nagbaka-sakali lang."

Lalong dinaga ang dibdib ko. "Na?"

Umiling siya. "Na . . . may matututunan akong bago."

I nodded as I dropped my eyes on the book I was reading. Sa totoo lang ay puwede na
akong umuwi dahil wala na rin namang pumapasok sa utak ko. Ilang oras na rin kasi
akong nagbabasa.

"You can go to your office anytime now," he muttered. "Just tell me and I'll help
you transfer your things."

"Okay . . ."

"Lilipat ka na sa Monday?"

I bit my lower lip. "I'll check."

Tumayo ako at inayos na ang mga gamit ko. The longer I stayed here, the more I
wanted to sit and talk to him. I wanted to ask about his family, but I felt like I
had no right to do so. Gusto ko siyang kumustahin, alamin kung ano ang mga
pinagdaanan niya nang hindi ako kasama, tanungin kung ayos lang ba siya at kung ano
pang mga plano niya.

But I was scared. I was scared to even admit I still love him. I was scared to know
what he'd been through because I might feel the need to be with him again.

"Aalis ka na?" tanong niya. "Magdidilim na. Susunduin ka ba ni Mill?"

I shook my head. "S-She's at work."

Natahimik siya sandali. "Puwede kang . . . ihatid?"

I muttered curses. I hated how soft-spoken he was. I hated that he was so good at
me, because it made me feel bad that I'd hurt him. Kahit alam niyang wala na siyang
pag-asa sa akin ay patuloy pa rin siya sa pagmamahal at pagtingin sa akin.

I looked into his eyes, and at that moment, I realized how much I missed him. How
much my heart yearned to be with him again. How much I wanted to hug him and tell
him how painful my life had been. How hard it was to forget him just because he
told me to. How scary it was to accomplish many things and still feel like
something was missing.

"You look like my college Amari . . ." he said gently.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi at huminga nang malalim. My heart was racing
because of the realizations that dawned on me.

"Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo," kinakabahang sabi ko.

"What's in your head just now? Your favorite book? Lipstick? Kare-kare?" He
chuckled. "Because you can't be thinking about me when you look like that."

Kahit nagwawala ang dibdib ko ay tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "L-Look like what?"

His eyes glistened. "Like you miss me."

I glared at him to cover up my feelings. "You're dreaming."

He nodded slowly. "Yeah . . ."

Sari-saring emosyon ang nananalaytay sa dugo ko. Why I'm talking to him . . . I
don't know. I've been avoiding him quite well. Pero dahil sa nangyayari ngayon,
parang bumalik na naman ako sa una. Sa dami ng iniisip ko, sa mga salita ni Kat, sa
presensya ni Leon . . . parang binigyan ako ng tapang ng mundo. Parang naipaalala
sa akin ang mga natutunan ko nang mag-isa.

It's like a never-ending tug of war between us . . . but right now, I don't care
who wins anymore.

"Ano'ng tinutunganga mo pa d'yan? Ihahatid mo ba 'ko o hindi?" tanong ko. "Also,

tell someone to repaint my office. I like the dark brown along the edges."

I'm still scared, but I'm never a coward.

And if slowly destroying my defenses is the price I have to pay to let happiness
in, then so be it. I'd rather risk the pain of opening myself up to love than the
safety of keeping myself closed off.

Chapter 34 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 34

Puno ng gulat ang mukha niya. Sa likod ng salamin ay kita ko ang pamimilog ng mga
mata niya, para bang hindi makapaniwala sa narinig sa akin.
Seeing that look on his face was priceless to me because I'd always known that only
a few people get to see that side of him.

"You'll let me take you home?" he asked weakly like I wasn't supposed to hear that.

Parang may tanikalang sumakal sa dibdib ko. He was that . . . shocked? I wonder
what he'd look like if I started opening up to him again.

Tumango ako. "Ayaw mo ba? Sabihin mo lang. I can take a cab from here."

"Hindi." Agad siyang umiling. "I mean . . . ihahatid kita."

I pursed my lips when he quickly got his things together, as if he was in a rush.
Nalaglag pa ang ballpen niya sa ilalim ng mesa sa bilis ng pagkilos niya.

"Take your time," hindi napigilang saad ko. "Hindi naman ako aalis."

Lumingon siya sa akin. His chest moved as he took a deep breath. Hindi ko alam kung
bakit parang wala na siyang pakialam sa mababasa kong emosyon sa mukha niya. His
expression gave away his feelings. Gulat, takot, saya . . . they were all painted
in his eyes.

"I said you can take your time . . . pero hindi ko sinabing tumigil ka." I
swallowed hard to get the lump out of my throat. "Bakit ka ba natutulala?"

Isang buntong-hininga at tuluyan na siyang lumapit sa akin. He took my laptop bag

and carried it himself. Kahit maraming bitbit ay dinala niya rin ang mga librong
hiniram ko.

Ngumuso ako. I'm a strong, capable woman who doesn't need a man to help me carry my
belongings! Hindi niya kailangang gawin 'to para sa 'kin!

Isa pa, may mga dala rin siya! Kagagaling niya lang sa pagtuturo tapos magpapagod
siya sa mga ganitong bagay! He hadn't changed at all. Feeling niya ay si Superman
pa rin siya.

"May kamay ako," pagrereklamo ko nang magsimula kaming maglakad palabas ng library.
"Kaya ko rin 'yan . . ."

"I know," he muttered, glancing at me. "I just don't want my hands to be free
because I might hold something I'm not allowed to."

Mabilis na nag-init ang mukha ko. I shouldn't assume he was talking about my hands,
right?! There were a lot of things he couldn't hold! Like . . . like his penis!
Because we were out in public! It would be weird to hold . . . it.

I let out an exasperated sigh. What the fuck are you thinking again, Amari?

Nang makarating kami sa kotse niya ay binuksan lang niya ang backseat para doon
ilagay ang mga gamit namin. He also opened the door for me, and as I slid myself
into his car, I noticed him putting his hand over the top of my head, as if to keep
it from hitting anything.

Hindi naman ako makapagsalita dahil sa pagwawala ng puso ko. I watched him get into
the driver's seat, and as soon as he did, his scent invaded the inside of the car.

I breathed deeply. Paano niya nagagawang maging mabango pa rin kahit na galing siya
sa trabaho?
Inilagay niya ang cellphone sa phone holder at nang umilaw iyon ay nanlaki ang mata
ko nang makitang ang homescreen wallpaper niya ay ang picture namin noong
graduation. Mukha namang nataranta siya dahil agad niyang kinuha ang cellphone at
inilapit iyon sa kanya.

"Address . . ." bulong niya.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. God . . . he was all over me! Talagang hindi siya
makaka-move on kung sa lahat ng gamit niya ay nandoon ako! I was in his picture
frame at work, and now I am even a wallpaper on his cellphone!

"So, I'm gonna pretend I didn't see your wallpaper?" I asked.

His ears were all red, and his brows were furrowed as if he was trying so hard not
to lose it.

Tumikhim siya, ang mga mata ay nasa telepono. "Yeah . . ."

Pinigilan ko ang mapangiti. Bukod kasi sa wala namang nakakatawa ay baka makita
niya pa ako!

"Okay . . ." I replied as I gave him my full address, which he typed into his
phone.

He turned the key in the ignition of his car and started driving. Hindi naman
malayo ang apartment namin sa library. With his usual speed, we could get there in
30 to 45 minutes.

Kahit Sabado ay may klase ang ibang estudyante, at dahil magdidilim na ay marami
rin sa kanila ang naghihintay ng masasakyan pauwi. Some students were laughing
around with their friends, some were hurrying to find seats in the jeepney, and
some were just waiting, listening to music in their earphones as if they had an
eternity to spare.

"Traffic . . ." bulong ni Leon.

I glanced at him and noticed how tense he was. Tahimik siya . . . pero mukhang
kinakabahan.

"Nagmamadali ka ba?" tanong ko. "It's rush hour. Baka ma-stuck talaga tayo rito."

Lumingon siya sa akin at nang makitang nasa kanya ang atensyon ko ay nagbawi agad
siya ng tingin. He moved the bridge of his glasses and held the wheel with more
strength, making his veins protrude through his skin.

"Hindi ako nagmamadali . . . Amari." He cleared his throat. "Baka lang mainip ka."

I was used to him calling my name, but every time he did, I got the feeling that he
was being serious . . . like he wanted something to break through the barriers that
existed between us . . . like saying that would bring us closer together.

"Wala naman akong gagawin, Leon." I bit my lower lip when I called him by his name,
too. Itinutok ko ang tingin sa daan para kalmahin ang sarili. "And if I'm bored . .
. may libro naman akong hiniram."

He made a soft, almost inaudible chuckle. "You and your books."

Nag-init ang mukha ko. "You have more books than me."
"I've found a cheap bookstore where they sell used psychological books," he said.
"I've bought ten pieces for 4,000."

That made me look at him. "Saan?"

"Benguet," sagot niya. "You'll like it there."

Lumabi ako. "Can I have the exact address? Pupuntahan ko kapag may free time ako.
I'm almost done reading everything in the psychology section of the library. Baka
may makuha akong bago."

There was a hint of a smile on his face when he glanced at me. "That's my hidden
treasure, Amari. Uubusan mo pa 'ko."

Ikinunot ko ang noo. "Sana hindi mo na lang ako ininggit kung hindi mo naman pala
sasabihin!"

Tuluyang umalpas ang ngiti niya. His eyes were on the road, but I could tell he was
having fun.

"You have a lot of money. You can surely buy brand-new ones," aniya.

"Sino'ng may ayaw sa murang libro, Leon? Everything is so expensive now! You know
I'm a sucker for a good discount." I scoffed. "At mas marami kang pera sa 'kin,
'no! You have a car and most of your clothes are from DB!"

"I'm still paying for this car monthly," sabi niya na bahagyang nakapagpagulat sa
'kin. "And for the clothes, I just bought them when I had some extra money."

"Hindi ba mahal ang ganitong sasakyan? This will take at least 30% of your salary."

"Mahal, pero maunti na lang naman ang balance ko." Mahina siyang tumawa. "I've
always wanted one and it's automatic . . . and red."

Bahagya akong nagtaka. "Ano naman kung automatic at red?"

Umiling lang siya kaya napanguso ako. I really don't understand his tactics
sometimes.

"If you want to go to the bookstore," he said, "I can come with you."

Inilipat ko ang tingin sa bintana sa gilid ko at pinanood ang unti-unting pagkagat

ng dilim sa langit.

"You barely had any free time, Leon. I'd rather let you sleep than go book shopping
with me."

I meant it. Lunes hanggang Linggo ay nagtatrabaho siya. Dahil sa review namin ay
gabi pa siya madalas makauwi. Working at that rate, he may easily burn himself out.

"Basta sabihan mo lang ako kung gusto mo. Kung hindi naman, dadalhin ko na lang sa
'yo ang ilang librong nabili ko. Just . . . ask."

Tumango na lang ako at itinutok ang buong atensyon sa nadadaanan namin. I didn't
think our conversation would go this smoothly. Dahil sa bookstore na nasabi niya ay
mabilis niyang nagiba ang tensyon sa pagitan namin. He just knew exactly how to get
my attention.
"About your office . . . ano pang gusto mong gawin do'n? I told the staff to get
you a comfortable chair that could be turned into a bed so you could rest when
there were no clients. In the meantime, I'll have it moved to our office."

His worry touched my heart, but I couldn't help but find him amusing.

"I was there to do my job, not to slack off, Leon. A swivel chair is more than
enough."

Lihim akong napatawa nang magsalubong ang kilay niya na parang hindi niya
nagustuhan ang sinabi ko. He didn't say anything else, so I just let the silence
between us wash over me.

Mabagal ang pagpapatakbo niya . . . na ipinagpasalamat ko. Natatakot kasi ako na

ang lakas ng loob na mayroon ako ngayon ay baka mawala sa mga susunod na araw.
Right now, I just want to fulfill the desire of my young heart and be with him.

"We're here," I said when I saw our small gate.

Itinigil niya ang sasakyan sa tapat nito at tiningnan ang kabuuan ng apartment. It
was small, but it gave us a place to sleep. Saksi ito sa pinagdaanan nina Karsen,
Gayle, at Mill. I wouldn't ask for anything else. Hindi rin naman mahal ang renta.
Still, if I were to have a talk with Mill, I might ask her if we should start
buying our own. Unti-unti . . . pero kaya naman siguro.

"Wala kang kasama?" tanong ni Leon. "Where's Mill?"

Tinanggal ko ang seatbelt bago siya sagutin. "Fieldwork. Hindi ko alam kung kailan
makakauwi. Lagi rin namang tumatawag kaya okay lang."

"Mag-isa ka?"

I chuckled. "Oo nga."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Is it safe?"

"I'm sure it is." I pursed my lips. "At saka, ano bang meron sa inyo ni Mill at
worried na worried kayo sa pagtira ko rito nang mag-isa? I lived abroad alone for
years. Mas maliit pa nga dati d'yan ang tinirhan ko. Isang sipa lang sa pinto no'n,
puwede akong mapasok. 'Yon talaga. Isang maliit na kama lang saka banyo. Buti nga
ang pintuan namin d'yan at may tatlong loc—"

I cut myself off when his eyes started to look dim and lifeless . . . like what he
just heard was something he'd rather not know.

Para akong tinamaan ng hiya.

That wasn't something to share, Amari. You should have just kept it to yourself.

Tumikhim ako. "I mean, my point is . . . kaya ko, okay?" bawi ko. "There's no need
to worry."

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. I could tell he was guilty . . . but it wasn't my

intention to make him feel that way. Gusto ko lang ipakita ang punto kong kaya kong
mag-isa.

He looked at the steering wheel and sighed, clenching my heart more. Should I say
sorry? Hindi ko sinasadyang ikwento 'yon . . . pero mali ako, 'di ba? It might make
him regret choosing his family over me, but he couldn't change what happened . . .
and I didn't want him to change anything.

"Your friend . . ." he whispered before I could even make up my mind. "She came to
see me three weeks ago."

My lips parted. "S-Si Mill?"

He nodded, and a smile crept onto his lips. "She told me she doesn't care about me,
my choices, or my experiences."

Napayuko ako at mariin na napapikit. "I'm sorry . . . ganoon lang talaga si Mill."

"No." I heard him chuckle. "She . . . apologized."

Parang may bikig na namuo sa lalamunan ko.

"She said she was sorry for her behavior. That when she saw me, all she wanted to
do was hurt me . . . but I told her it wasn't necessary because I understand her,"
he continued. "And before she leaves, she . . ."

Marahan siyang tumawa kaya napatingin ako sa kanya.

"She slapped me."

Hindi ko alam kung ilang gulat pa ang mararamdaman ko ngayon . . . but I knew he
wasn't lying. That was something Mill would really do.

"She said I didn't deserve her words, but she also said I deserved at least a slap
because I made her best friend cry . . . and that if I tried to hurt you again, it
wouldn't just be a slap." Lumingon siya sa akin at ngumiti. "Her slap stings . . .
but I'm really glad you have someone like her."

Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa kamay ko, at kasabay ng panunubig ng mga mata ko ay ang
pagkibot ng labi ko. Mill was unreasonably loyal to us . . . at hindi ko alam kung
gusto kong baguhin 'yon.

"Amari . . ." Leon called me softly.

Hindi ako makapag-angat ng tingin sa kanya dahil pakiramdam ko ay babagsak ang luha
ko.

"Hmm?" I said instead.

For a full minute, we were bathed in peaceful silence. It was just him, the sound
of his car, and the fast beating of my heart.

"Thank you for spending time with me," puno ng lambing na sabi niya. "You made me
really . . . really happy."

What happened kept me awake all night. Nagpagulong-gulong ako sa kama dahil sa
kiliting nararamdaman. I was happy . . . wasn't I? I couldn't even stop smiling.
Mabuti at mag-isa ako rito. Walang maninita sa akin kung bakit ako nakangiti.

From: Mr. Zamora

Are you still up?

Halos maisubsob ko ang mukha sa unan dahil sa bigla. My heart was racing and I felt
like I couldn't breathe.
To: Mr. Zamora

Yup. Why?

I made it sound like I wasn't hyperventilating. I could feel the excitement

building up in my body, and I knew for sure that it had been years since I had
experienced something like this.

At . . . sa parehong tao lang din.

From: Mr. Zamora

What are you doing?

Nag-isip ako ng puwedeng isagot doon. I couldn't just tell him I was thinking about
us, right? Nakakahiya!

To: Mr. Zamora

Watching documentaries.

From: Mr. Zamora

What documentaries?

I pouted as I typed another reply. Para namang interview 'to.

To: Mr. Zamora

Kahit ano lang. Why are you asking? I won't send you the link. It's past 1. You
have to work later. Why not put down the phone and get ready for bed instead of
texting me?

Medyo pinagsisihan kong isinend ko iyon dahil nagtunog masungit na naman ako.
Mukhang tama nga si Kat na lagi kong sinusungitan si Leon.

From: Mr. Zamora

I will, Ms. Mendoza.

From: Mr. Zamora

Good night. I'll see you at work.

Nang sumunod na araw ay sina Gayle at Karsen ulit ang inabala ko. I couldn't just
stay at the apartment because I was losing it over Leon! Tumawag din ako kay Mill
tungkol sa sinabi ni Leon at hindi naman niya iyon itinanggi. Kung ibinigay ko raw
ang number ng lalaki ay hindi niya na iyon pupuntahan. Hindi na raw sana niya
nasampal.

"Bakit gan'yan ang itsura mo?!" bulaslas ni Karsen nang makita ako sa sala nila na
punong-puno ng hairclip sa ulo.

Inginuso ko si Gayle na ngayon ay kinukutinting na naman ang cellphone ko.

"Sa tingin mo?"

Tumawa siya at tumingin sa anak. "Baby, kunan mo ng picture si ninang."

"Dawn Karsen . . ." suway ko. "Kumbinsihin mo na lang siyang tanggalin ko ang
hairclips, please?"

Naglakad palapit sa akin si Gayle at hindi na ako nagulat nang itapat nito ang
camera sa akin.

"Nangnang, one, to, ti . . ."

Sumimangot ako. "Matapos kitang i-braid."

She giggled. "Si Mimi 'di magaling mag-tintas, nangnang. 'Di kaya pishtail."

"Kamot ka lang nang kamot kaya nagugulo," sagot naman ni Karsen. "Halika nga rito.
Pa-kiss si mommy."

Agad na lumapit ang bata sa nanay niya at inilahad dito ang bilugang pisngi niya. I
just smiled as I watched them because I realized how much their lives had changed.
Malaki ang bahay na tinutuluyan nila ngayon at hindi na rin nila problema ang pera.
Ibang-iba sa senaryong nakita ko bago ako tumulak pa-ibang bansa.

Tumayo ako at dinampot ang cellphone kong nabitawan ni Gayle sa carpet. Sakto rin
naman ang pagdating ni Kobe bitbit ang grocery na iniutos ni Karsen. Ayaw kasi ng
kaibigan kong kumuha sila ng kasambahay dahil aksaya lang daw sa pera. It just made
me laugh because Kobe was a multi-millionaire but he did everything she told him to
do.

Dahil Sunday ay family day ay tumulak na rin agad ako pauwi. Talagang hinintay ko
lang namang dumating si Kobe.

When I got home, I was surprised to see what happened to my cellphone . . . and I
really promised myself not to let Gayle touch it again.

To: Mr. Zamora

uwhduweihfwiufhuqi

To: Mr. Zamora

Elow

To: Mr. Zamora

Barbie coloring book

I scrolled down to see all the pictures from her coloring book that she sent to
Leon. May selfie pa siya na halos mawala ang mata dahil sa laki ng ngiti niya. She
looked adorable, but to hell with it, because even the picture of me pouting with a
lot of hair clips in my head was there!

Why did I trust Gayle with my phone again? Ganitong-ganito rin ang ginawa niya
dati! Bakit ba hindi na ako natuto?!

My phone beeped and I felt my cheeks warming because it was from Leon.

From: Mr. Zamora

You're as lovely as your coloring book, Hikari. 'Wag kang magse-send ng

importanteng details ng nangnang mo sa iba, ha? And please don't share that
beautiful picture of her with anyone else, okay? Thank you for the gift. If we meet
in the future, I'll buy you whatever you want.

Nasapo ko ang noo bago nag-type ng sagot sa kanya.

To: Mr. Zamora

Do you really think she'll understand you? Hirap pa siyang magbasa. And please
delete my picture. I didn't know she sent that.

From: Mr. Zamora

Hi.

"God, Leon . . ." bulong ko sa sarili. "You'll be the cause of my death."

Thankfully, hindi naman niya ako harap-harapang nilandi habang nasa opisina kami.
Patuloy lang ang pagbibigay niya ng kape sa akin tuwing umaga na para bang naging
routine niya na iyon. Sabay na rin kaming pumupunta sa university kapag may review
dahil hinahayaan ko siyang ihatid na ako. It was easier and made me a little . . .
happier.

Kahit madalas ay tahimik lang kami dahil mayroon pa ring ilang . . . I felt like I
was really living.

We hadn't really talked much about the past . . . about the experiences we had away
from each other. Siguro hindi pa ako handa. Ayoko pang malaman na nakipagtrabaho
talaga siya sa . . . kanila. Ayoko pang malaman na marami rin siyang iniiyak sa
nasirang relasyon namin.

I wasn't sure if I could forget that we broke up because of his decision, but at
that moment, I didn't care about logic or reason . . . I just surrendered to my
heart and allowed myself to feel vulnerable again.

"Tapos ka na?" tanong niya nang makalabas ako ng opisina.

"Yup. Ikaw?" Nag-inat ako. "Nag-overtime ako . . . daming pending."

He chuckled as he carefully took my bag from me. "Nag-overtime na rin ako.

Sinabayan kita."

Ngumuso ako. "Ihahatid mo 'ko?"

"Puwede?"

I rolled my eyes. "Drive thru tayo. Gutom na 'ko."

I wouldn't say we were getting there because we still had a lot to talk about. I
just went with the flow. I just let things happen. Kahit nang makauwi si Mill at
nakikita niyang inihahatid ako pauwi ng lalaki ay wala siyang sinasabi. Ni hindi na
nga niya ako sinusundo kapag ginagabi ako ng uwi dahil alam niyang ihahatid naman
daw ako ni Leon.

Nang makapanganak si Shaira ay sabay rin kaming bumisita sa ospital. Zoey and Meg
gave each other knowing looks when they saw us together, but Shaira just wiggled
her brows at Leon.

"Habang nanganganak ako, ipinagdadasal ko talagang makuha niya ang talino nina
Ninang Mari at Ninong Leon niya. Kasi kapag kay Ninang Meg . . . nako! Magiging
sakit ng ulo ko panigurado."

I laughed at Shaira's banter. Buhat niya ngayon ang anak at nasa tabi naman niya si
Thaddeus na maya't maya ang punas sa noo niya. Kulang na lang ay kunin niya rito
ang bata at siya na mismo ang magbuhat para lang hindi mahirapan si Shaira.

"Sabi nila, makikita mo ang ganda ng isang babae pagkatapos niyang manganak. Grabe,
Shai? Ang pangit mo pala talaga?" ganti ni Meg.

Suminghal naman sa kanya ang babae. "Ang sad naman na hindi namin makikita ang
tunay na ganda mo kasi walang willing makipag-sex sa 'yo."

"Shai . . ." suway ni Thaddeus.

I tried to stifle a chuckle by pressing my fingers against my bottom lip, but I

failed. Ang kulit kasi!

"Baby, baby . . ." parang walang pakialam sa mundong sabi ni Zoey habang nakatingin
sa bata. "'Wag kang makikinig sa kanila, ha? Bad influence 'yang mga 'yan. Kay
Ninang Zoey ka lang sasama, ha?"

"Ay, 'te! Gumawa ka ng iyo!" saad ni Shaira.

Habang nagkakatawanan ay naramdaman ko ang paggalaw ni Leon sa tabi ko. I looked at

him and noticed that his arm was resting on the back of my chair . . . parang
nakaakbay sa akin. Tiningnan ko iyon pero kahit alam niyang nakita ko ang ginagawa
niya ay hindi naman niya iyon tinanggal.

"Inom tayo," pagyayaya ni Meg. "Inggitin natin 'yong mga bawal . . ."

"Huy, parang gusto ko. Kahit bote bote lang," sabi naman ni Zoey. "Ikaw ba, Mari?"

Napaisip ako. Biyernes naman ngayon at wala akong pasok bukas. I think I could skip
my Saturday library itinerary.

"Okay lang."

Sumimangot si Shaira. "Queen, ikaw ang inaasahan kong hindi papayag kasi alam mong
maiinggit ako. Ano'ng klaseng pagkakaibigan 'to?"

I chuckled. "I'll pay 50% of your hospital bill . . . how 'bout that?"

Namilog ang mga mata niya kasabay ng tilian nina Meg at Zoey. Miski si Thaddeus ay
napatawa sa reaksyon ng mga babae.

"Queen, gamitin mo 'ko habangbuhay!" madrama pang saad ni Shai.

I just laughed at them. It was actually my plan. Noong walang-wala ako, isang lapit
ko lang sa kanya ay napapautang niya na agad ako. She never pressured me to pay.
Kahit noong nasa Italy ay sa kanya ako lumapit. Doing this was no match compared to
the help she gave me when I had nothing.

"Eh, si Leon din daw sa isa pang 50%," nakangising saad ni Thaddeus. "Nag-usap ba
kayo?"

Napatingin ako kay Leon. "Totoo?"

He just nodded.
"Grabe, mag-iipon na ako at baka kapag nagbuntisan na kayo ay sa amin n'yo rin ipa-
shoulder."

Malakas ang naging pagtawa ni Thaddeus kaya nag-init ang mukha ko. I looked away
from Leon and just kept my straight face.

"My guy's traditional, Shai. His self-control is way out of this world."

"Shut up, Thaddeus," Leon said.

Pakiramdam ko ay pulang-pula na ang mukha ko ngayon. Shaira was laughing, but not
too hard because of her stitches. Meg was grinning, and Zoey, being Zoey, was still
trying to figure out what we were talking about.

"Kung kami ni Thaddeus ang nag-live in, baka lima na ang anak namin," sabi pa ni
Shaira.

Naiiling na napatayo na lang ako. "Tara na nga, Meg, Zoey. May convenience store sa
baba. Do'n na lang tayo uminom."

"Uy . . . iwas sa topic. O siya sige, labas ang mga virgin."

Zoey stood up. "Bakit lalabas? Naglilihi ka pa rin ba?"

"Ay, 'te, ewan ko sa 'yo! Nakakapagod na."

Hindi ko na sila pinansin at lumabas na ako ng private room. Leon gestured me to

call him because he would stay at the room for his friend. Tumango lang ako at
hinayaan siya. Hindi rin naman siya puwedeng mag-inom dahil mag-d-drive pa siya
mamaya.

"Nagkabalikan kayo?" tanong ni Meg sa akin habang bumibili kami ng alak.

Sa table sa labas ng convenience store lang din kami mag-iinom. Hindi naman kasi
kami sosobra.

"Hindi . . ." sagot ko.

Ngumisi si Zoey. "Nililigawan ka?"

Napakurap ako bago dahan-dahang umiling. "Wala naman siyang sinabi."

"Eh, ano'ng ginagawa n'yo?"

Meg chuckled. "Edi, 'yong dati nilang ginawa. Landian nang walang label."

Ipinatong namin ang pinamili sa labas. I don't know whether we can drink here, but
it's not like we're going to get drunk.

"Masaya ako na masaya kayo, Mari," saad ni Zoey. "Sa totoo lang, ngayon ko na lang
ulit nakitang parang may buhay si Leon."

Something in me warmed up because I felt the same way . . . I felt alive.

Meg exhaled. "Just go with it. Your story is long overdue."

We talked about random things. Kung paanong si Zoey ay babalik sa probinsya para
mag-internship sa crush niyang dentista. Next year kasi ay magtatapos na rin siya.
Sooner or later, I'd have a dentist friend. Si Meg naman ay nag-a-apply abroad.
Pakiramdam niya raw kasi ay walang patutunguhan ang career niya rito lalo at hindi
naman ganoon kalaki ang sweldo niya.

"College pa lang tayo, alam ko nang maganda ang future mo, Mari," sabi ni Meg.
"Napakasipag mo. Bonus na lang ang pagiging matalino."

Zoey nodded. "Like you can do whatever you set your mind to. Kapag plinano mo,
gagawa ka ng mga paraan para maabot mo. Kaya nga ako nag-dentistry, eh. I saw how
passionate you are about psychology, and I know in the back of my mind that I can
also do well in my chosen field."

Uminom muna ako bago nagsalita. "Hindi mo gusto ang psychology, pero Cum Laude ka.
Paano pa kapag ginawa mo pa ang gusto mo, 'di ba?" I chuckled. "At ikaw, Meg, hindi
sipag o talino ang kulang sa 'yo; opportunity. Kaya suportado kita sa desisyon mong
mangibang bansa. Get out there and see the world, because success will be on your
way."

I only got lucky because opportunities came knocking on my door, but I don't think
I could succeed just by working hard. Kasi kung sipag at tiyaga lang din, edi sana
ay hindi na kailangang maghirap ng marami. Farmers, vendors, and breadwinners
worked tirelessly, but some still struggled to make ends meet. Oportunidad ang
kulang.

Inabot ni Zoey ang kamay ko at marahang hinaplos iyon. "For an orphan, you sure
left your stamp on the world, Mari. Nakakaproud."

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal nag-inom doon. I realized that without
Shaira, we could actually get serious. Kapag kasi kasama namin ang babae ay
napakagaan lang ng mga kwentuhan namin. We could talk seriously, but only for a
short while.

Hindi pa sana kami titigil kung hindi pa kami binaba ni Leon. I started to feel a
little off, and I knew right away that I'd had too much to drink. Hindi ko naman
kasi naramdaman iyon noong nakaupo lang kami. Ngayong nakatayo ako ay ay parang
nagdadalawa ang paningin ko. Goodness . . . traydor talaga ang alak.

"M-Magpapaalam ako kina Shaira . . ." My voice was slurred.

Pagkarinig pa lang sa akin ay nagsalubong na ang kilay ni Leon.

"Galit ka?" I asked him. "Tibay mo naman."

Umiling siya. "Kaya mong maglakad hanggang sasakyan?"

"Kahit tumbling pa."

He sighed. "You don't."

"Kaya ko! Marunong ka pa sa 'kin!" I ranted. "Kaya ko pa ngang mag-take ng board

exam ngayon, eh. Try, gusto mo?"

He sighed and tried to reach out to me, but I took a step back. "Mamaya . . ."

"Zoey, 'wag kang matulog d'yan," narinig kong suway ni Meg. "Halika na, uuwi na
tayo."

Dizzy, I put my head down and closed my eyes, but before I could even start to fall
asleep, Leon put his arm around my waist and cursed.
"Akala ko ba hindi kayo iinom nang marami . . ."

I chuckled as I pressed my face against his chest. Agad naman siyang napayakap sa
akin.

"Si Zoey kasi!" sigaw ko. "Ang daming binili!"

"Amari, tone down your voice."

"'Wag mo 'kong patahimikin, hindi mo 'ko estudyante."

"Please?"

I laughed as I placed my index finger on top of my lips. Hinarap ko siya at

nginitian.

"Shhh?"

The sides of his lips curled a bit. Tumango siya at ibinalik ang ulo ko sa dibdib
niya. "Yes. Shhh . . ."

The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the passenger seat of his car, and I had no
idea how I got there. Meg and Zoey were sitting in the backseat. Nakasandal si Zoey
kay Meg habang si Meg naman ay mukhang pagod na pagod sa nangyari. Kulang na lang
ay itulak niya ang babae palayo sa kanya.

I looked at Leon and found it amusing how his jaw was clenched. Without giving it
any thought, I traced it with my index finger, and I noticed how shocked he was.

"Oh god, Mari! Don't do anything you'll regret tomorrow!" reklamo ni Meg.

Bumalik ako sa pagkakasandal at pumikit. "Gisingin n'yo na lang ako kapag nasa
apartment na."

Muli akong nakabalik sa pagtulog, at nang makabalik ako sa ulirat ay wala na sina
Meg at Zoey sa likod. Marahil ay naihatid na ni Leon.

Humampas ang hangin sa mukha ko at doon ko lang napagtantong bukas pala ang
bintana. From the side mirror, I could see how pink my cheeks and lips were. And
with just one look, I knew I was drunk.

"Leon . . ." mahinang tawag ko sa lalaki.

"Matulog ka muna. Gigisingin na lang kita."

I pouted and let the air brush against my hair. Hindi ko alam kung anong oras
na . . . pero alam kong malalim na ang gabi.

"Sorry, naabala kita," sabi ko. "May trabaho ka pa bukas . . . jusko, trabaho na
naman. Hindi ka na natapos d'yan. Tinalo mo 'ko sa pagiging workaholic." I laughed.
"Hindi ka ba napapagod? Hinahatid mo pa 'ko. Hinahayaan mong tarayan kita. Tapos
nagluluto ka pa ng tanghalian mo araw-araw. God . . . give yourself a break, Leon."

Tahimik lang siya, hindi pinapatulan ang panenermon ko. Mula sa bintana ay humarap
ako sa kanya at malayang tinitigan ang mukha niya.

"Patingin nga ng mukha mo ulit kapag walang salamin . . . miss ko na 'yon, eh."

He slowed down a bit and removed his glasses without saying anything.
Napangiti ako. Isinuot ko iyon sa akin at ngumiti sa kanya.

"You're the most handsome guy I've ever met, Leon Ysmael," I muttered. "The
sweetest, the sincerest, the smartest . . . tapos mahal ako." I laughed as I threw
my head back into the seat. "D'yan ka nagkamali. From the start, you knew I was
cruel, but you didn't run away. Dapat no'ng pinag-iisipan kita nang masama noon,
naghanap ka na lang ng iba. Edi sana, hindi ka nagtitiis sa 'kin ngayon."

Tinanggal ko ang salamin niya at ipinatong iyon sa hita niya.

"Isuot mo . . . gabi na. Nag-d-drive ka pa. Mamaya ibangga mo pa 'to kasi na-
realize mong malaki ang galit mo sa 'kin."

Pumikit ako. "Ang tanga mo, Leon. Sinabi mong kalimutan kita . . . pero ngayon,
gusto mong ipaalala? Matapos kong iyakan 'yon . . . matapos kong kumbinsihin ang
sarili ko na tapos na 'ko, papasok ka ulit sa buhay ko na parang wala lang
nangyari." I breathed deeply. "Ang tanga mo, pero mas tanga ako sa 'yo . . . kasi
hinahayaan kita."

"Amari, get some sleep first. We'll talk when you're sober . . ."

Nagmulat ako at umiling. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit sa 'kin noon na . . . hindi
mo na 'ko niyayakap? Na nakakatulog ka na hindi mo na sinasabing mahal mo 'ko? Na
magigising na lang ako na wala na 'kong katabi? Na mas madalas mo pa ngang
kahalikan 'yong yosi mo kaysa sa 'kin." I chuckled softly. "Sabi sa 'yo, tanga ako,
eh. Pati yosi kinainggitan."

He pulled over to the side of the road and looked at me. I just stared back at him,
feeling a lot of things.

"Leon . . ." tawag ko sa kanya kahit na nasa harap ko lang naman siya.

Nanatili ang titig niya sa akin. His eyes were full of guilt, sorrow, and pain.
Marami akong gustong itanong at sabihin sa kanya, pero isa lang ang pinakananaig sa
puso ko.

The reason why he left. The reason why he tossed my feelings out the window. The
reason why he was here. The reason that deep down in my heart, I knew I would
always cherish.

"Is Tita Leah still with us?"

His eyes watered in the brisk night air, as if he wanted someone to ask him that
question. At sa dahan-dahang pag-iling niya ay naramdaman ko rin ang pagguho ng
isang parte sa puso ko. His lips trembled as he continued to shake his head.

"I-I'm sorry for failing you two . . . I'm sorry."

With all my remaining strength, I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry on my
shoulder . . . and as if waiting for it, he grieved.

Chapter 35 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 35
The universe fell silent as if the heavens were opening to make way for the sound
of his cries . . . the sight of his tears . . . and the weight of his sadness.

Nakayakap lang ako sa kanya, hinahagod ang likuran at hinahayaan siyang tumangis.
Parang nawala ang tama ng alak sa sistema ko. At that moment, all that mattered to
me was hearing his heart break and feeling the burn of his tears on my skin.

He must've been so sad. He must've cried a lot.

Mahal na mahal niya si Tita Leah. Hindi man maaabot ng hinagap ko ang lalim ng
samahan nila, alam ko naman kung gaano katindi ang pag-ibig niya rito. She meant
the world to him. He worked so hard to give her the kind of life he knew she
deserved.

And knowing she was gone . . . I couldn't imagine how painful it was for him to
watch the world go by without any other option but to let things happen.

Dahil ganoon ang buhay.

Hindi titigil sa pag-ikot ang mundo dahil lang umiiyak ka. Hindi matutuldukan ang
mga responsibilidad mo dahil lang nalulungkot ka. Hindi hihinto ang oras sa
pagtakbo dahil lang nagluluksa ka.

In the end, the only thing we could do was to accept that it had happened.

"You've endured a lot, Leon . . ." bulong ko. "I'm here now . . . you don't have to
carry all that pain alone anymore."

Humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin, parang bang anumang oras ay mawawala ako. He was
crying, almost stifling his sobs. Ang bigat-bigat siguro ng dibdib niya. To shed
tears over a question . . . it must have been so heavy. Para bang hinihintay niya
lang na may isang taong lumapit sa kanya para magtanong kung kumusta siya . . .
kung kaya niya pa ba.

When Tita Leah died, he must have wished for someone to sit next to him. Iyong
mapagkukwentuhan niya ng lahat ng pinagsamahan nila. Iyong maglalaan ng oras para
makinig sa pag-iyak niya. Iyong sasamahan siya habang tinatanggap na wala na ang
unang babaeng minahal niya.

Unti-unti ko siyang itinulak palayo sa akin. I put my hands on his cheeks and
looked directly into his eyes, letting my deepest thoughts and feelings pour out.
Kung makita man niya sa mga mata kong mahal ko pa siya, wala na akong pakialam.

All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and cradle him to my chest so that
he could forget about the time we'd spent apart . . . so that he could find comfort
in my embrace.

Pinalis ko ang mga luhang sa pisngi niya. Dahan-dahan at puno ng pag-iingat.

"Kailan pa?" mahinang tanong ko.

I watched his lips quiver. "T-Two months after we broke up."

Agad na nanubig ang mga mata ko. It was so heavy for him . . . I'm sure it was.

"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa 'kin?" My voice was so soft because I was afraid of
hurting him even more.
"G-Gusto ko." Muling nalaglag ang luha niya. "But you've been through enough
because of me . . . I don't want to bother you anymore."

My thumb wiped away his lone tear. Wala akong masabi. Hindi ko mahanap ang mga
tamang salita. If he'd told me about Tita Leah's death years ago, I could have gone
home to be with him. Mahal ko siya . . . at noong mga panahong 'yon, alam kong
isang tawag niya lang sa akin ay ibabagsak ko ang mga prinsipyo at pangarap ko para
masamahan siya.

"Ang tagal kong hiniling na yakapin mo ulit ako . . ." he whispered. "Akala ko
mamamatay akong pinapangarap lang 'yon."

He brought my hand to his lips, gently kissing it.

"You're drunk. Baka makalimutan mo na lahat 'to bukas . . . at kung maalala mo man,
magsisisi ka rin."

Nanikip ang dibdib ko nang ipinikit niya ang mata at marahang dinampian ng halik
ang kamay ko.

"Miss na miss na kita, Amari. Miss na miss ko na kayo ni Nanay."

What happened next was a blur. Tumitibok ang sintido ko nang magising ako at halos
mapamura ako nang makitang ala una na ng hapon. Hindi ko alam kung gaano kahaba ang
tulog ko o kung paano ako napadpad sa kama ko. Suot ko pa rin ang damit ko kahapon
kaya pawis na pawis ako kahit pa nakatutok naman sa akin ang electric fan.

"Gising na ba ang prinsesa?" narinig kong tanong ni Mill.

I groaned in response.

Tumawa siya. "Inom pa."

Lumapit siya sa kama at naupo sa gilid ko. She looked at me with disgust and a hint
of humor.

"Tumayo ka na d'yan. May ibinigay na pagkain ang ex mo kaninang umaga,"

I gulped as I sat on the bed, feeling the throbbing of my temples.

"Nag-away kayo?" tanong ni Mill.

Isinandal ko ang ulo sa headboard. "Paano mo naman nasabi 'yan?"

"Medyo mapula ang mata niya no'ng inihatid ka, eh. Sa maldita mong 'yan, hindi
imposibleng ikaw ang nagpaiyak do'n."

I breathed deeply as memories of what happened last night came back to me.

Tanda ko lahat . . . at kahit na nahihiya ako sa mga ginawa at sinabi ko ay hindi

naman iyon ang prayoridad ko. Maybe I'd go visit Tita Leah one of these days. I
don't know if I still had that right, but she was so kind to me that her death was
something I never thought about all these years.

Hindi ko alam na posibleng mangyari 'yon . . . hindi ko naisip. I can't even begin
to imagine how difficult it must have been for Leon to deal with her death so soon
after our breakup.

Naligo muna ako bago kumain. Pakiramdam ko ay marami akong kailangang gawin. I
didn't know what that was, but I knew I had unfinished business with Leon. Hindi
ako sigurado kung dapat ko bang buksan ulit ang usaping iyon. It was sensitive and
too personal. Baka . . . wala naman akong karapatan.

But still, I just couldn't disregard the truth, right? Hindi ko puwedeng ipagkibit-
balikat na lang ang narinig kay Leon. He needed comfort . . . and I wanted to at
least give that to him. Kahit parang huli na.

To: Mr. Zamora

Hi. Are you free later?

Nagwawala ang dibdib ko habang naghihintay ng reply niya. Sigurado akong tapos na
siya sa klase dahil hapon na rin.

Texting him first felt weird. Kahit na ginawa ko naman na ito noon . . . noong
nagalit siya sa akin. I texted him nonstop because I made a mistake and I wanted to
say sorry in person. But other than that, I couldn't remember texting him first.
Kahit gaano ko siya kagusto o ka-miss, laging siya ang nauunang lumapit sa akin.

From: Mr. Zamora

Hikari?

May kung anong kumirot sa dibdib ko nang makitang ganoon ang reply niya. Maybe he
thought I couldn't be the first to message him because I always put my pride first.
Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay napakarami kong pagkukulang sa kanya.

To: Mr. Zamora

I'd like to borrow, rent, or buy the books you mentioned getting in Benguet.
Puwede? Also, thanks for the food.

Pumikit ako nang mariin bago nag-send ng panibagong message.

To: Mr. Zamora

If we meet, I'll cook you whatever you want or buy you a meal, as a thank you for
taking care of me last night.

Obviously, the books were just a reason to see him. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. I
felt like we needed to talk . . . or at least see each other. There was a lingering
feeling in my chest that I couldn't pinpoint. Basta gusto ko siyang makita, at sa
palagay ko ay hindi na ako makakapaghintay pa hanggang Lunes.

From: Mr. Zamora

The books are in the treehouse. As for the meal, I promised my brothers I would
cook for them tonight. If you don't mind eating with them, I'll pick you up right
now.

Huminga ako nang malalim at pilit na ikinalma ang sarili.

To: Mr. Zamora

I'll go there myself.

Hindi ko na hinintay ang reply niya. Agad akong nagbihis at nagpaalam kay Mill na
kikitain ko ang lalaki. I was nervous about meeting his brothers again for the
first time in years . . . but I just couldn't wait to see him again. Paulit-ulit na
naglalaro sa utak ko ang pag-iyak niya at ang pagsasabing matagal na niyang
hinihiling na mayakap ako. Pakiramdam ko ay matatahimik lang ang utak ko kapag
nakikita ko siya.

God . . . his tears were really taking a toll on me. Kahit talaga itanggi ko sa
sarili kong hindi ko na siya mahal, saulo pa rin ng puso ko ang bawat kirot kapag
nasasaktan siya. I'd seen him break down before, so I couldn't just stand on the
line and watch him have another one.

Binagtas ko ang pamilyar na daan papunta sa kanila. I just wore sneakers to be

comfortable and brought a cake because I couldn't just go there empty-handed. Nag-
text ako kay Leon na malapit na ako, at nang matanaw ko siya na naghihintay sa
tapat ng bahay nila ay parang may tinik na natanggal sa dibdib ko.

Okay, calm down now, Amari. Leon is okay. You're overreacting again.

"Hi . . ." I said awkwardly as I neared him.

Lumingon siya sa akin at bahagyang pumungay ang mga mata nang makita ako. His eyes
traveled all the way down to my toes, sending a chill up my spine.

"Wala ka nang hangover?" he asked, his voice gentle. "I . . . didn't expect you'd
actually come."

Lumapit siya sa akin at hindi na ako nagulat nang kunin niya ang box ng cake sa
kamay ko.

"I'm . . ." Huminga ako nang malalim. ". . . here for the books."

He chuckled. "Of course."

Almost nothing had changed about their house. Maliban sa mga gamit na halatang
bago, malinis pa rin ito at ang mga halaman na nadaanan ko ay buhay na buhay. Kung
noon ay sa itim na plastic lang nakalagay ang ilan sa kanila, ngayon ay may sarili
na silang mga paso na gawa sa luwad. Even the wooden fences around their house
looked new, or at least newly polished.

"Pinataasan mo ang kisame n'yo?" tanong ko habang nagtatanggal ng sapatos.

He looked up, and the sides of his lips curved slightly. "You noticed?"

Tumango ako bago sinundan ang tinitingala niyang kisame. "Hindi na masyadong mainit
kapag gan'yan kataas. That's a good investment."

I couldn't help but feel proud when I realized how far he had come. Noon ay halos
mahulog na ang kisame nila . . . pero ngayon ay gawa na ito sa mamahaling materyal.
It was built with high-quality gypsum wallboard, and the monobloc chairs on their
terrace were replaced with furniture made of Narra.

"Dito ka nag-s-stay?" tanong ko ulit.

He shook his head. "Sa treehouse."

Bahagya akong nagulat doon. The last time I checked, it wasn't possible to live
there.

Natawa siya sa reaksyon ko. "Renovated na 'yon, Amari. Hindi pa sobrang ganda . . .
pero kaya nang tirhan."
Binuksan niya ang pinto, at halos matulala ako nang makitang ang loob ng bahay ay
ibang-iba na. The floor was already tiled, and the cool air coming from the air
conditioner made me wonder if that was really their house. Mukhang sa labas lang
pala walang masyadong nagbago.

"Pasok ka."

I nodded as I made my way in. Everything was spotless . . . and the furniture
looked like it came from high-end brands. Parang lumawak din ito dahil hindi na
masyadong marami ang gamit. If Leon hadn't told me that it was his siblings who
lived here, I would have assumed he was the one who did so.

"Pauwi na sila . . . nagsasarado lang ng tindahan," sabi niya.

"Sa palengke?"

Umiling siya. "Hindi sila pinayagang makakuha ng puwesto ro'n. Sa terminal sila . .
. may maliit na sari-sari store."

"Ahh . . . okay rin 'yon. May commuters naman araw-araw. Magandang puwesto rin."

He breathed deeply as he smiled a bit. "Umupo ka muna d'yan. Maghahanda lang ako ng
maiinom mo."

Isang tango lang at nagtungo na siya sa kusina bitbit ang box ng cake. I sat down
and took a good look around the space where their family portrait and Tita Leah's
picture were hanging. Batang-bata pa ang mga kambal doon at halatang nagmula sila
sa iisang bunga dahil may mga pagkakahawig sila.

"Kasama raw ni Kuya si Ate Amari, 'no?"

Napalingon ako sa pinto nang makarinig ako ng ingay sa labas. I immediately

recognized it as the twins. Malagong ang mga boses nila . . . halos kasingtimbre ng
kay Leon.

"May pabango ka? Nakakahiya," sabi pa ng isa.

"Nagpabango ka na, ah?"

"Amoy usok pa rin." I heard laughter. "Maliligo muna ako. Mamaya pa naman, 'di ba?"

"Tumulong muna tayong magluto at nakakahiya kay Kuya. Saka mo na problemahin ang
amoy mo. Hindi ka naman sisinghutin ni Ate Amari."

Kumunot ang noo ko sa naging takbo ng usapan nila. Narinig ko pa ang ilang tawanan
bago bumukas ang pintuan.

Namimilog ang mga mata nila nang makita akong prenteng nakaupo sa sala. Their white
T-shirts were stained, and they reminded me so much of young Leon. Ngayong mga
binatang-binata na ay naging kamukha nila ang kapatid. If they got older, I was
sure they'd look just like Leon. Salamin at kaunting sungit na lang sa itsura ang
kulang.

"Ate Amari . . ." bulaslas ni Nathaniel.

I could easily distinguish them apart by the placement of their moles on their
faces. Ang kay Nathaniel ay nasa sintido habang ang kay Nash naman ay nasa gilid ng
labi. Magkasingtangkad lang sila ngunit mas mapusyaw ang kulay ni Nash.
"Magandang hapon po," halos magkasabay na bati nila.

I wanted to be angry at them because they were the reasons why Leon had started
discarding me and Tita Leah had been so stressed out, but I couldn't find the rage
in my heart. Wala akong karapatan . . . at wala ako sa posisyon nila para
manghusga. Kung si Leon ngang nagawa silang tanggapin matapos ang lahat ng
kalokohan nila, sino ba naman ako para makisawsaw at makisali?

I gave them a small smile. "Good afternoon."

Sakto namang dumating si Leon bitbit ang isang pitsel ng juice at tray ng mga baso.

"Magpalit muna kayo ng damit," utos niya sa dalawa. "Bibili ako ng bigas sa
palengke. Hindi n'yo naman sinabing ubos na pala."

Nagsikuhan ang kambal kaya lihim akong napangiti. Mukha kasi silang takot kay Leon.

"Si Nash ang huling nagsaing, kuya. Hindi pala sinabi?"

Umiling si Nash kay Leon. "Binigyan mo kami ng rice cooker, 'di ba? Hindi ako
marunong magsaing do'n . . . ewan ko kung sinong marunong," aniya sabay tingin sa
kakambal. "Basta sa terminal ako nag-umagahan kanina."

"Magsisisihan pa kayo?" striktong tanong ni Leon. "Kita n'yong may bisita . . ."

Agad na lumipat ang tingin sa akin ng kambal at kita ko ang pagbalatay ng hiya sa
mukha nila. Ngumiti lang ako para siguruhin silang ayos lang iyon sa akin. Naupo si
Leon sa tabi ko at nagsalin ng juice sa isang baso.

"Magbihis na kayo," he dismissed the two.

Tumalima sila at kulang na lang ay magtulakan sila papunta sa kwarto. I liked how
innocent they looked. Hindi man maganda ang nangyari sa kanila, mabuti na lang at
nagsisimula na silang bumawi.

"It's refreshing to see you scolding them," saad ko.

I turned to face him, and my heart jumped when I realized how close we were.
Mukhang nagulat din siya sa biglang pagharap ko dahil bahagyang umawang ang labi
niya.

"You want . . . juice?" he whispered, his gaze traveling across my face.

I licked my lower lip and reached out for the glass. Sa mabilis na pagdadampi ng
kamay namin ay agad akong nakaramdam ng kiliti sa sikmura ko. I tried blinking it
all away, but my eyes wouldn't leave him. Para bang kahit nasa akin naman na ang
baso ay nahihigit ng mata niya ang atensyon ko.

My chest felt like it was going to explode at the unexpected turn of events. We
were in a staring contest . . . and I wanted to be the last one to look away. His
gaze lingered on my neck, and I felt a pit in my stomach as I noticed his eyes
getting darker.

He liked that part of me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Kahit noon ay doon niya ako
madalas halikan. Something about my neck seemed to have an addicting effect to him.

"Leon . . ." bulong ko nang alisin niya ang ilang hibla ng buhok ko na nakaharang
sa leeg ko.
Nang umangat ang ngayo'y madilim nang mga mata niya sa labi ko ay humigpit ang
hawak ko sa baso. With that kind of look . . . I knew what was going to happen.

Lalong dinaga ang dibdib ko nang dahan-dahang lumapit ang mukha niya sa akin. One
second, I was just smiling at his brothers, and now, I was anticipating a kiss. I
could hear how hard he was trying to hold his breath . . . which made me wonder if
I was holding my breath too.

But then, just as I was about to close my eyes, I heard the clatter of the door
being opened.

"Kuya, ito pala ang pambili ng—"

Napatikhim ako nang lumabas sa kwarto si Nathaniel, tuluyang naputol ang sinasabi
dahil sa naabutang puwesto namin.

". . . bigas," pagtatapos niya.

I gulped down the juice and poured myself another glass when I felt my throat
getting dry. Goodness, Amari! You're here to check on Leon! Not kiss him!

"Ako na, Nathaniel," mariing saad ni Leon sa kapatid.

"Hindi . . . may ipon kami ni Nash, kuya."

"Ako na nga," iritableng sagot niya. "Pumasok ka na sa kwarto mo."

Pakiramdam ko ay pulang-pula ang mukha ko. Umisod ako palayo kay Leon dahil hiyang-
hiya ako sa nangyari. We were just about to kiss! Ni hindi ko na inisip na nandito
ang mga kapatid niya! At . . . at hindi pa naman kami nagkakabalikan! Ni hindi niya
nga ako . . . nililigawan! Kung kailangan pa ba no'n.

He cleared his throat. "Bibili muna ako . . ."

"O-Okay," mabilis na sagot ko.

"Sasama ka?"

Matigas ang pag-iling ko. The last thing I wanted was to be in that small space
with him! Baka kung saan pa mauwi 'yon!

He stood up. "Mabilis lang ako."

Oh please! Kahit tagalan mo!

"S-Sige . . ."

Nakahinga lang ako nang maluwag nang mawala siya sa paningin ko. My adrenaline was
still rushing, and if not for Nathaniel, I would have already made out with Leon!
That would mean . . . we were together again! Ganoong-ganoon ang nangyari sa amin!
Naghalikan lang at kami na agad!

Mabuti na lang din at lumabas ang kapatid niya . . . kahit nakakahiya! Masyado pang
maaga para magkabalikan kami.

I picked up my cellphone and focused there when the twins went out of their room.
Wala naman silang sinabi sa akin pero pakiramdam ko ay lalabas ang puso ko sa
dibdib ko dahil sa labis na kaba. I mean, they weren't kids anymore! They could
have easily figured out what we were trying to do earlier!

"Ano'ng iluluto ni Kuya?" narinig kong tanong ni Nash sa kapatid. "Hindi pa

nagagayat ang mga gulay, oh."

"Menudo yata at sweet and sour na tilapia. I-check mo nga kung linis na ang isda."

I heard some noises coming from the kitchen, like pots and pans rattling together.

"Tanga, Nash! Dahan-dahan naman! Patay ka kay Kuya!"

"Hindi pa linis ang isda. Marunong ka ba? Aalisan pa yata ng bituka 'to."

"Hindi ba naalisan sa palengke 'yan?"

"Aba, malay ko. Hindi naman ako ang bumili, eh."

Ibinaba ko ang cellphone para makapag-focus sa pakikinig sa kanila. They were still
a pain in the neck.

"Kunin mo ang chopping board at simulan na nating gayatin 'tong mga gulay para
magluluto at magsasaing na lang mamaya."

"Eh, itong isda?"

"Ikaw na ang bahala. Basta may kinukuha d'yan sa loob. Search mo na lang."

"Lalabas pa ako para makakuha ng signal? Itong mata na lang ang tanggalin. Nilinis
naman siguro 'to."

"Ewan ko sa 'yo." Nakarinig pa ako ulit ng ingay. "May bell pepper pala ang menudo?
Paano ang gayat nito?"

Hindi ko na napigilan ang tumayo at puntahan sila. Kahit kasi hindi naman ganoon
kalakas ang pag-uusap nila ay rinig ko pa rin iyon dahil hindi naman malaking-
malaki ang bahay nila. I looked at them and saw a bit of a mess they made. Ang
tubig mula sa buntot ng mga tilapia ay tumutulo sa sahig at ang mga gulay ay parang
ikinalat lang sa mesa.

"Ate . . ." pansin sa akin ni Nash. "Upo ka na lang do'n. Kami na rito."

Napalingon din sa akin si Nathaniel, at pilit kong binura sa isip ko ang senaryong
nakita niya kanina.

"Alam n'yo ba ang gagawin?" tanong ko habang lumalapit sa isda.

"Lilinisin . . ." mahinang sagot ni Nash.

"Paano? Sasabunin mo?"

Bumulanghit ng tawa si Nathaniel kaya napasimangot ang kakambal.

"Tatanggalin 'yong nasa loob . . ." nakangusong sagot nito.

Ngumiti lang ako. I gathered my hair and put it in a messy bun without anything to
tie it. That was a perk of having long hair. Kahit na walang ipit ay kaya 'tong
maitali.

"Pahinging gunting," sabi ko na agad naman nilang ibinigay sa akin. "Hindi pa

nalilinis 'tong isda. Kita n'yo oh, nandito pa ang mga fins."

Maingat kong tinanggal ang mga palikpik habang tahimik silang nakasilip sa ginagawa
ko.

"Tinatanggal 'to kasi nandito 'yong lansa kaya kailangan ay maayos 'yong
paggugupit. No excesses," I continued as I cut the fins. "Tapos ito . . . hasang.
Tatanggalin din 'to."

Kinuha ko ang kutsilyo at inilapag sa chopping board ang isda para tanggalin ang
hasang at ang nasa ilalim ng ulo nito.

"Ahh . . . ayan 'yong sinasabi kong inaalis. Parang bituka," saad ni Nash.

Marahan akong napatawa. "Oo . . . tapos pahingi na lang ako ng kutsra para maalis
ko 'yong kaliskis. Okay lang naman kung kutsilyo 'yong gagamitin, pero mas mabilis
ako kapag kutsara."

Inabot ni Nathaniel sa akin ang kutsara kaya ibinaba ko sa lababo ang isda para
doon ito tanggalan ng kaliskis. Nanonood lang ang dalawa sa akin na para bang may
ginagawa akong makakapagpabago sa buhay nila.

"Pati ulo may kaliskis, ha? So . . . hanggang dito 'yong aalisin."

Nang matapos ay humingi naman ako ng kutsilyo na mabilis naman nilang ibinigay sa
akin. I made a slit in the fish's side and pulled out its organs.

"Hindi dapat sumabog 'tong apdo. Papait pag nagkataon . . ." sabi ko pa. "Pero may
ibang kumakain no'n. Hindi sila napapaitan. Tapos, sa palengke, kapag bibili,
hinihila lang nila mula sa ulo 'yong mga lamang-loob, kaya 'wag kayong magtataka
kapag nakita n'yong iba 'yong way ng paglilinis nila."

I continued to clean it and eventually soaked it in salt to get rid of the fishy
odor before washing it in running water.

"Gets n'yo ba? Kaya n'yong gawin sa ibang isda?" tanong ko.

Napakamot sa ulo si Nash. "Nakakaawa, ate."

That made me chuckle. "Ikaw, Nathaniel?"

Umiling ang huli. "Maggagayat na lang ako. Puwede?"

"Kaya mo?" tanong ko.

"Square 'yong cut ng patatas, 'di ba? Eh . . . 'yong bell pepper kaya, ate, paano?
Nakikita kong niluluto noon ni Nanay, pero hindi ko maalala kung paano niya
ginagayat," tawa niya.

Tumango ako at naglakad papunta sa mesa. "Nash, tulungan mo ang kakambal mo at

medyo marami 'to. Lilinisan ko lang 'yong mga isda tapos tutulungan ko na kayo."

Itinuro ko sa kanila ang tamang gayat ng mga gulay at taimtim naman silang nakinig.
After they got the hang of it, I returned to the sink to finish cleaning the fish.
Dahil sanay naman na ay mabilis din akong natapos. Bumalik din agad ako sa mesa
para tulungan sila sa ilan pang gayatin.

"Hindi naman kailangang pantay-pantay . . ." natatawang saad ko kay Nathaniel nang
mapansing halos magkakasukat ang mga patatas. "Just cut it. You don't have to
measure every piece."

"Tinanong pa nga ako kung vertical o horizontal daw ang gayat, ate," sumbong ni
Nash. "Akala mo talaga alam 'yong pinagkaiba no'n."

"Sus, ibinalik mo pa sa 'kin. Hindi ka nakasagot kasi ikaw ang may hindi alam!"

Napatawa na lang ako sa kalokohan nila. Nagpatuloy kami sa paggagayat, at halos ako
rin naman ang gumawa noon dahil hindi pa sila sanay. They were just laughing and
lightening the mood . . . which I didn't really expect from them.

"Pasensya na, ate, ha? Hindi talaga kami sanay sa gawaing bahay. Laging sina Nanay
at Kuya lang ang kumikilos, eh . . ." maya maya'y sabi ni Nathaniel. "Marunong
naman na kaming magkumpuni ng mga ilaw, lababo, electric fan, at ibang appliances.
Pero 'yang mga pagluluto at pagtitiklop ng damit . . ." Umiling siya. "Medyo hirap
pa."

Something in my heart hurt when I realized that they spent most of the peak of
their youth in prison. Kung hindi sila gumamit ng droga noon, baka nasa huling taon
na sila ng college . . . o baka naka-graduate na. They could've made lots of
memories with their friends and classmates.

"Tinuturan naman kami ni Kuya lalo at kami lang ang nandito. Hindi naman kasi
puwedeng instant noodles lang lagi," sabi naman ni Nash. "Marunong kami ng ibang
luto. Mga hotdog, itlog . . . gano'n."

Ngumiti ako bago inilagay ang mga nagayat na gulay sa pinggan.

"Proseso 'yan syempre. We can't learn things overnight. Saka . . . magandang bagay
rin 'yong willing kayong matuto. Cooking is an important life skill. Mag-practice
kayo ng mga paborito n'yong ulam. Ang daming recipe sa internet. Just don't stop
trying, and you'll get a hold of it," I said. "Also . . . ask. Don't be afraid to
ask. It's easier than trying to figure things out on your own. Minsan, kailangan
talaga natin ng tulong. Imagine what would happen to you two if I just sat down
there."

Natahimik silang dalawa . . . pakiramdam ko tuloy ay na-offend sila sa sinabi ko. I

looked at them and noticed that the humor had completely disappeared from their
faces, making them look a lot like Leon.

"May problema ba?" hindi napigilang tanong ko.

Huminga nang malalim si Nash at unti-unting ngumiti sa akin. "Thank you, ate."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Hmm?"

Umiling siya. "Sa mga nakakakilala sa amin noon . . . ikaw lang ang hindi nandiri
sa amin."

Parang nalaglag ang puso ko sa narinig, dahilan kung bakit hindi agad ako
nakapagsalita.

"Pinagsisisihan naman namin . . . pero masyado nang huli. Nasisi pa ng mga tao si
Nanay kasi adik ang mga anak niya. Hindi raw napalaki nang maayos," aniya pa.
"Nawala siyang dala ang kahihiyan na 'yon."

Nathaniel chuckled lowly. "Kahit nga si Kuya, eh. Kung hindi pa kami nagmakaawang
'wag kaming pyansahan, baka hanggang ngayon, baon pa rin siya sa utang. Nagkamali
kami . . . at kailangan naming pagbayaran 'yon. Nakakalungkot lang kasi nadamay
sila."

I looked down at the plate when I felt a lump in my throat. Kapag nagsalita ako,
alam kong mababasag lang ang boses ko.

"Kaya salamat, ate, ha? Ang bait mo . . . tapos tinuturuan mo pa kami."

My lips quivered. "A-Ano ba kayo? Ayoko rin kaya sa inyo . . . una pa lang. Mga
tamad kayo at pinapahirapan n'yo si Leon . . ." Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanila.
"Pero hindi ang mga pagkakamali n'yo ang magdidikta kung anong magiging buhay n'yo.
Seeing how much you've grown was the best prize for Leon and Tita Leah. 'Wag n'yo
na lang uulitin, okay?"

After sharing a smile, my heart felt lighter. Wala akong inaasahan sa mga kapatid
ni Leon, pero ang makitang nagbago sila ay sapat na para maging masaya ako para sa
kanya.

"Ayaw mo pa rin ba sa amin, ate?"

Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Nathaniel. "Kapag nailuto n'yo 'ko ng kare-kare, saka ko

lang kayo mapapatawad. Tandaan n'yo . . . isa kayo sa dahilan kung bakit naghiwalay
kami ng Kuya n'yo."

"Naghiwalay kayo?" gulat na tanong niya. "Eh, kanina . . ."

I gritted my teeth. "Shut up."

Nagkwentuhan pa kami tungkol sa pagtitinda nila sa terminal, at sa ganoong ayos

kami naabutan ni Leon. Agad na pumunta ang kambal sa kotse para ibaba ang apat na
sako ng bigas kaya naiwan kaming dalawa sa loob. Pansin ko ang panonood niya sa
akin habang malaya akong gumagalaw sa kusina nila. Sinimulan ko na rin kasi ang
pagluluto.

I crossed my arms against my chest and looked at him.

"Don't just watch, help me. Baka gutom na ang mga kapatid mo. Hirap na hirap pa
naman silang maggayat."

Pumungay ang mga mata niya kaya tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. He then lowered his head
as he chuckled softly, almost as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Tumingin ako sa paligid at napanguso. Bakit siya tumatawa? Dahil ba madumi ang
pagtatrabaho namin? Lilinisin ko naman mamaya!

He started to help me cook, but his small smile didn't fade away. Pinalinis ko sa
kambal ang mga tinalupan namin at sumunod naman sila sa akin. Inasar pa nila ako
tungkol sa kaliskis sa damit ko na hindi ko napansin kanina kaya sinimangutan ko
sila. Kung hindi naman kasi ako tumulong ay baka nga nasabon nila ang isda!

Leon was just quiet as he watched me glare at his brothers, who were teasing me.
Kahit habang kumakain kami ay tahimik lang siya samantalang kaming tatlo ay
daldalan nang daldalan.

"Sige . . . gan'to na lang. Ano bang gusto n'yong program? Maghahanap ako sa
library ng related studies tapos igagawa ko kayo ng reviewer," saad ko. "Grade 11
kayo, 'di ba? STEM? Kung gusto n'yo, i-e-enroll ko kayo. Madali lang 'yon. Tuturuan
ko kayo sa calculus."

"Eh, ate! Nakakatamad na! Itong si Nathaniel, ewan ko lang kung gusto pa. Pero ako,
ayos na ako sa natapos ko," tawa ni Nash. "Baka maligawan lang ako ro'n, eh."

I scoffed. "Hindi sapat na gwapo lang. Kailangan may substance."

"Gaya nino?" panunukso ni Nathaniel.

I rolled my eyes because I knew he was referring to Leon. "Gaya ng lalaking version
ko. If I were a guy, I'm more handsome than you two."

Sumimangot si Nash. "Ngayon ko lang na-gets, ah. So . . . wala akong substance?"

Because of our nonstop chitchat, the dinner took longer than expected. Nag-
volunteer ang kambal na maghugas lalo at kailangan pa naming pumunta ni Leon sa
treehouse dahil . . . well . . . nandoon nga pala ang dinayo ko.

Dahil tahimik siya ay tahimik lang din ako habang papunta kami roon. I retouched my
face earlier and sprayed a bit of perfume because I was afraid to smell fishy . . .
lalo at siya ang kasama ko. I also asked him for a spare toothbrush . . . kasi wala
lang! Gusto ko lang mabango ang hininga ko! Isda ang kinain namin kaya medyo
malansa!

"Did you have a good time?" basag niya sa katahimikan.

I nodded. "Masayang kasama ang mga kapatid mo. They have a lot of energy."

His eyes were on the road. "That's . . . really good to hear, Amari."

Hindi na ako sumagot dahil mabilis lang din naman kaming nakarating sa farm. It was
so close to their house that it only took a few minutes in a car to get there.

Leon lied when he said that the treehouse wasn't beautiful yet, because from where
I stood, it was like an urban paradise. The bright yellow lights, sturdy wooden
ladders, and intricately carved roof made it look like something out of the
internet, like a hotel in a tree.

The treehouse's roof and railings were a rich chocolate brown, while the rest of
the structure was a bit lighter. Ang pinto at mga hamba ng bintana ay itim. There
was a separate, smaller cabin next to it, which I believed was the bathroom, and on
the other side was an elegant grilling space.

"Tara . . ."

Para lang akong tutang sumunod sa kanya. Kung noon ay kailangan pa akong alalayan
para makaakyat sa taas, ngayon ay para lang akong umaakyat sa normal na hagdan. It
even had a sturdy handrail!

Pagkaakyat namin ay binuksan niya ang pinto. The lock was electronic and had a
password that needed a 4-digit pin. Hindi ko inaasahan na ganito na kaganda ang
magiging itsura ng paborito niyang lugar. Para bang dito niya ini-invest ang mga
pera niya.

The interior was even more beautiful. There was a tiny kitchen off to the side, a
flat-screen TV, a sofa set, and a ladder leading up to the open attic, where his
large bed was placed. A glass door spanning the whole height of the area served as
the gateway to his balcony, where he kept a coffee table and two matching chairs.

"Wow, Leon . . ." I blurted out. "I could live here . . ."

Narinig ko ang marahang pagtawa niya. Umakyat siya sa attic at pinanood ko ang
pagkilos niya roon. It was so spacious that he could even stand up and walk around
there!

"Ito 'yong mga libro," aniya bago bumaba sa attic.

Inilagay niya sa tapat ko ang eco bag, pero hindi ko iyon tinapunan ng tingin. I
was so amazed by the beauty of his home! Nag-ikot-ikot ako sa paligid hanggang sa
mapadpad ako sa estante ng mga picture frames niya.

A smile crept up to my lips when I saw our graduation picture, the one from his
wallpaper. Nandoon din si Tita Leah, ang mga kapatid niya, sila ni Thaddeus, at ang
diploma niya. It was probably the heart of his favorite place, with pictures of the
people he loved . . . and I was there.

Hinawakan ko ang larawan namin habang inaaalala ang nangyari ng araw na 'to. I
introduced him to my friends, and in his graduation speech, he mentioned me as the
highlight of his college.

At that moment, all I could think about was taking him back to that time when he
was truly happy . . . when Tita Leah was still there to give him his medal . . .
when we still thought our relationship wouldn't end.

"Gusto mo ng maiinom?" tanong niya na nakakuha ng atensyon ko.

I shook my head as I put down the frame. Naglakad ako papunta sa sofa at tahimik na
naupo roon. He then opened the glass door, and the wind immediately swept my hair.

He came over and sat down next to me as we glanced up at the moon and the few stars
that were visible in the night sky. Tahimik lang kami parehas, nagpapakiramdaman. I
knew I could just go home because I wasn't really supposed to be here, but I hadn't
given him what I came here for yet — a hug.

But . . . how? I was sober, and he might be surprised if I just wrapped him up in
my arms. Hindi niya rin naman binubuksan ang usapin tungkol kagabi . . . baka hindi
niya gustong balikan namin.

Isinalampak ko ang likuran ko sa sofa ngunit nagulat ako nang masandalan ko ang
braso niya. I immediately turned around and saw his arm behind me. The same thing
that happened last night in the hospital . . . para siyang nakaakbay sa akin.

I pursed my lips and just let him. A few more blows from the wind and my hair were
completely messed up.

"Where's the scrunchie I gave you?" he asked in a raspy voice, sending shivers down
my veins.

"Nasa sasakyan mo, ah?" I pursed my lips. "Hindi ko naman ginamit."

Naestatwa ako nang ayusin niya ang buhok ko. He tied it in the same way I tied it
earlier . . . a messy bun that didn't require anything. Dumaplis ang kamay niya sa
batok ko para sikupin ang lahat ng hibla ng buhok ko, at sa bawat pagtama ng balat
niya sa akin ay nagwawala ang dibdib ko.

Bahagya akong gumalaw para sana lumayo sa kanya, pero napagtanto ko rin agad na
wala naman na pala akong iipuran. I tried to get up, but his arm was already on my
shoulder, making it impossible for me to do so. Agad ko siyang nilingon at ganoon
na lang ang pag-iinit ng sistema ko nang makita ang pamilyar na dilim ng mga mata
niya.
His eyes were on my jaw, but when I looked at him, his gaze moved to my lips.

"I came here for a . . . hug," nanginig ang boses ko. "You said you wanted
it . . ."

He removed his glasses and carefully tossed them on the floor.

"I want something else . . ." he said, eyes locked on my lips. "Red, plump, and
addicting . . ."

Umawang ang labi ko. "A-Ayaw mo ng hug?"

"Later."

He wasted no time in grabbing my head and slamming his lips into mine. He didn't
even bother with a soft introduction; his first kiss was already hungry,
passionate, and demanding. His fingers then moved down my neck, tickling a tender
spot there. And when I kissed him back, his patience ran out quickly.

Pinutol niya ang halikan namin at agad akong binuhat papunta sa hita niya. I was
too drunk on his kisses to do anything but go with the flow. I spread my legs apart
and sat on his lap while he ran his tongue around my mouth. One of his hands was on
the back of my head, and the other was working its way down my chest.

"Leon . . ." I whimpered when I felt his palm on my breast, with all of my clothes
still on.

Bumaba ang halik niya sa leeg ko at wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang pumikit at
damhin ang init ng labi niya. He started kneading my breasts, making me moan with
pleasure. He nibbled on my neck, and I was sure it would leave a mark, but I didn't
say anything because I liked it.

Ang mga kamay ko ay nakatuon lang sa dibdib niya. I could feel his growing manhood
on my bum, and I knew that if we didn't stop immediately, his old promise would be
shattered.

And as if the heavens could hear my thoughts, his cellphone rang.

Hindi niya pinansin iyon at nagpatuloy sa paghalik sa akin. He kissed my lips

again, this time . . . wanting more. Palipat-lipat ang kamay niya sa dibdib ko. My
nipples were swelling, and I was glad I was still wearing my bra so he wouldn't
really see how aroused I was.

"Cellphone mo . . ." I panted.

Hindi niya ako pinansin. He pulled up the bottom of my shirt and began drawing
circles on my belly. Namatay ang tunog ng cellphone niya, pero ilang segundo lang
ay muli iyong tumunog.

"Leon . . . sagutin mo muna. Baka importante."

I stopped and looked at him. I immediately felt heat rising in my cheeks because of
our position and how red his face was. Magulo ang damit at buhok niya . . . at alam
kong ako ang may gawa noon. He looked like he was drunk because his eyes were only
half open and his lips were red and spread apart.

"Cellphone . . ." I said.

Nagbuntong-hininga siya at pairap na tiningnan ang cellphone na nasa gilid lang

naman ng inuupuan namin. Hindi ako umalis sa ibabaw niya dahil ipinalibot niya ang
isang braso sa baywang ko.

I looked over to see who was calling him, and when I realized who it was, it felt
like someone splashed cold water on my face.

Pinilit kong tanggalin ang kamay niya sa akin at pabalang na tumayo.

"Years, and you're still in touch with Psyche?" I scoffed, not wanting him to say a
word. "What's with her and her late-night calls, Leon?"

"Amari—"

"She always seems to mess things up. First, she hired you to be her fake boyfriend
when we were developing feelings for each other. Then, when we were in Italy, she
called in the middle of the night . . . and you know what happened next." Umiling
ako. "I know I'm being unreasonable, but I can't think straight. Saka na lang ulit
tayo mag-usap."

"Amari naman . . . let me—"

"I'm going home, and if you follow me, I'll stop whatever we have right now."

Chapter 36 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 36

I walked along the street cursing myself. Alam kong hindi dapat ako magalit kay
Leon dahil hindi ko naman hawak ang buhay niya. I had no control over who he got
along with . . . at wala rin namang ginagawang masama sa akin si Psyche. It was
just my jealousy acting up.

Alam kong mahal niya ako pero hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang mayroon ang babae
na hindi niya maiwan-iwan. He knew I was mad at her . . . at them. Why would you
get in touch with people who hurt the one you love?

I sighed. Wala, balik na naman sa umpisa. It was a vicious cycle that could only be
broken by me, but why did I find it so painful to deal with the fact that at some
point in his life . . . he betrayed me?

From: Mill

Susunduin kita.

I was too preoccupied to reply. Naghintay na lang ako sa kanto at ilang minuto lang
ay nakarating din naman agad siya. She didn't say anything. We just went home
quietly. I pretended like everything was fine, but I couldn't help but go to sleep
thinking about how I should never have kissed the man who had hurt me.

Kakausapin ko siya . . . pero hindi ngayon. I knew deep down that I wasn't mad; I
was just disappointed.

Nang dumating ang Lunes ay naabutan ko siya sa labas ng opisina namin, may hawak na
dalawang tasa ng kape at parang naghihintay sa akin.
When he saw me, he put out his arm to hand me the other cup, as if he wanted to say
something, but I just shook my head.

"Not today, Leon," I dismissed.

Hindi ko na hinintay na makapagsalita pa siya. I opened the door to the office and
made my way in. Oras ng trabaho ngayon. Our personal issues should be set aside.
Maraming pasyente at kliyente ang kailangang unahin.

Mukhang naintindihan niya naman ako dahil hindi niya ipinilit ang gustong mangyari.
While working, I kept wondering if I could handle knowing that he was still in
touch with not only Psyche, but also my biological parents.

Alam kong mas mabigat ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya kaysa sa galit ko sa mga magulang
ko kaya alam kong kakayanin ko 'yon. Just . . . not today. Malaking sampal pa sa
akin ang pagtawag sa kanya ni Psyche. And learning that she must have done that for
years, as if calling him was a normal thing, made me feel . . . insecure.

Wala na akong pakialam sa mga magulang ko, pero mahal ng nanay ko si Psyche. She
took care of her, treated her gently, and loved her in every way. Saksi ako roon
nang inayusan ko siya noon, at sa mga nagdaang taon, hindi ko kinainggitan 'yon.

May mga tao rin naman kasi akong matatawag kong akin. I had Karsen, Mill, Kat,
Shaira, Meg, and Zoey. I had friends who bound me in ways that went beyond blood;
they tied me in knots of shared laughter and bled with me in my deepest grief.

Kaya siguro ganito kasakit at kabigat . . . kasi inaasahan kong kabilang si Leon sa
kanila.

'Yong may kasiguraduhan ako na akin siya at wala akong kaagaw sa kanya.

Gusto kong ako naman ang unahin niya. Ang nararamdaman ko, ang opinyon ko. I wanted
him to be so loyal to me to the point where he could never cross paths with anyone
I was jealous of . . . where his anger was directed at those who had hurt me.

Gusto kong kampihan niya ako . . . piliin. Na bago siya gumawa ng isang bagay,
gusto kong itanong niya muna sa sarili niya kung masasaktan ba ako.

It was selfish . . . but that was what I wanted. I wanted his loyalty only to me. I
wanted the assurance that he was mine and that he would never sell my emotions
again. I wanted him to make a stand, and I wanted that stand to be where I was.
Hindi siya gigitna sa akin, sa mga magulang ko, at kay Psyche.

Gusto ko . . . ako lang. Hinayaan ko na siyang piliin sila noon dahil kailangan . .
. hindi ko na masisikmura kung isasantabi niya ulit ako ngayon.

"Amari . . ." he called.

Hindi ko inalis ang tingin sa mga dokumentong binabasa.

"Umuna ka na. I'll just take a cab."

Hindi siya sumagot kaya nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. He was looking at me, as
if pleading, but I stood my ground. He had to let me process things on my own.
Ayoko pa siyang marinig.

"I said not today, right?" I said. "I'm thinking, so give me time and space to do
that."
He heaved a sigh. "Thinking of?"

"Of my decisions . . ." sagot ko. "I'm trying to figure out if it's worth it to
have you back in my life."

Dumaan ang takot sa mukha niya. "Amari naman . . ."

Ibinaba ko ang tingin sa mga dokumentong nakalatag sa mesa ko.

"If you want to keep them in your life, then let me go," I said, heart bursting at
seams.

Ang lakas ng loob kong maghamon kahit na alam kong ako lang din naman ang iiyak sa
dulo. Isinantabi niya na ang nararamdaman ko noon . . . why would I even think he
couldn't do that now?

"I'm trying to weigh things, Leon, and so should you."

Natahimik siya saglit bago muling nagsalita. "I don't need to weigh things. There's
nothing heavier than my love for you, Amari."

Mapait akong napangiti. "I wish I could believe that now . . ." bulong ko. "Sige
na. Umuna ka na. Let's not prolong this conversation . . . marami pa akong
trabaho."

He looked like he had a lot to say, but in the end, he just nodded and left
quietly. Ganoon din noong mga sumunod na araw. Hindi ko siya inimikan dahil gusto
kong iparamdam sa kanya na dismayado ako sa mga desisyon niya. Hindi rin naman na
siya nagpumilit na kausapin ulit ako.

I'm sure he had an explanation, but I didn't want to hear that yet. Sigurado kasi
akong kapag mabigat ang rason niya ay mabababawan lang ako sa naramdaman ko. I
would condemn myself for thinking illogically . . . at ayokong gawin 'yon ngayon. I
wanted my disappointment to be taken seriously. I wanted to know that the way I
felt was okay.

"Get one and pass," saad ko sa klase sabay abot ng text papers nila. "This is our
last practice test, so give it your all. Our review is almost over, and I hope you
learned a thing or two from me. Good luck."

Tahimik na sumunod ang klase. They were sitting one seat apart from each other and
had folders on their desks to keep their papers hidden.

Naupo muna ako at nagbasa ng isang librong hiniram ko rin sa library. It was,
again, the book where the victims of unethical research projects recounted their
experiences. Ang pinakamalalang nabasa ko ay ang paggamit sa mga taong may mental
health disorder para i-test ang mga bagong gamot. Some people died, some had severe
episodes, and some managed to get better.

Napatigil lang ako sa pagbabasa nang mag-vibrate ang cellphone ko. I looked at the
class first before checking who the text was from, and I couldn't help but smile
when I read it.

From: Unknown Number

Hello, ate. Si Nathaniel 'to. Kinuha ko sa cellphone ni Kuya ang number mo. Tungkol
sana doon sa offer mong mag-enroll. Sa tingin mo, puwede kaya ako ro'n? Nahihiya
akong magsabi kay Kuya, pero gusto ko sana ulit mag-aral. Nakakatakot lang na baka
pag-usapan ako ng mga magiging kaklase ko.
Hindi pa ako nakakapag-reply ay may bagong text na ulit siya.

From: Unknown Number

'Wag ka munang maingay kay Kuya, ha? Susuportahan naman ako no'n. Nahihiya lang
akong siya pa ang magtutustos sa akin. May kaunting ipon ako ngayon kaya pinag-
iisipan ko rin, ate. Gusto ko sanang maging doctor ng mga bata, kaso alam kong
mahal kaya kahit anong program na lang. Basta makapagtapos. Pangarap din kasi 'yon
ni Nanay para sa 'kin.

Some strings tugged at my heart. Kung nandito lang si Tita . . . she must have been
so proud of her boys.

To: Unknown Number

I'll meet you tomorrow. Lunch time. Pag-usapan natin 'yan sa personal.

Ibinaba ko ang cellphone, may ngiti pa rin sa labi. It just warmed my heart to see
how full of optimism and ambition Nathaniel was. Sana nakikita 'to ni Tita Leah . .
. sana alam niyang napakabuti niyang ina dahil kahit mag-isa ay napalaki niya nang
maayos ang mga anak niya.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at agad na nakuha ni Leon ang atensyon ko. He was leaning
against the frame of the back door, looking at me with furrowed brows. Bumaba ang
tingin niya sa cellphone ko bago muling ibinalik ang mga mata sa akin.

"Pahiram ng key to correction," aniya.

Agad na naglingunan ang mga estudyante sa kanya. Kapansin-pansin ang pagngingisian

nila at pagpapalitan ng makahulugang tingin kaya napairap ako. These students
really thought that our lives were like a soap opera.

"Where's yours?" I asked as I reached into my file cabinet.

"Nasa office. Hindi ko nadala."

I took the key to correction and put it on my table. Dumaan naman siya sa pagitan
ng mga estudyante na hindi pa rin binubura ang mga malisyosong ngiti sa labi nila.

"Class, are you done?" tanong ko.

"Hindi pa po, ma'am."

I arched my brow. "Then, eyes on your work. Sa mismong board exam, hindi puwedeng
gan'yan kayo." Agad silang nagyukuan. "You should focus on your exam instead of
waiting for rumors to happen so you can have something to talk about."

Halos itago nila ang sarili sa folder na hawak. I sighed as Leon walked up to my
table. Kinuha niya ang papel na kailangan at inusisa iyon.

"No cellphones during class, right?" he whispered.

I scoffed. "Isusumbong mo 'ko kay Ms. Lubrica? Go ahead. She'll know about the
person who forgets an important document too."

Tumingin ako sa klase na mukhang hindi naman narinig ang sinabi ko.

"Your textmate can't wait?" tanong niya ulit, mas mahina ang boses.
I slammed my back against my chair when I realized that he wanted to know who I was
talking to. Hindi ko naman sasabihin 'yon sa kanya. Hindi niya nga sinabi sa 'kin
na may number pa rin siya ni Psyche.

"If you're done, please leave. I have a class to observe."

He licked his lower lip, and I could see how frustrated he was. I just shrugged it
off. Hindi ang nararamdaman niya ang makapagbubura ng mga agam-agam ko.

Nagbuntong-hininga siya bago naglakad palabas ng silid. Hinayaan ko lang siyang

umalis, walang pakialam kung nagtatampo siya o ano. At hanggang sa maghapunan kami
sa opisina ni Ms. Lubrica ay tahimik lang siya. Ganoon din naman noong mga nagdaang
araw. Alam kong iba lang ngayon dahil mukha siyang nababahala.

"Briefing na lang tayo next week. Report n'yo rin sa 'kin kung ano'ng resulta ng
exams nila at kung ano'ng estimate passing rate," sabi ni Ms. Lubrica habang
kumakain kami.

"Okay, ma'am," sagot ko.

"Ikaw, Leon? Malapit na ang finals ng mga tinuturuan mo. Tapos ka na bang gumawa ng
exam?"

"Sa Theories of Personality pa lang, ma'am. Wala pa sa Developmental Psychology."

"Okay. You know what to do, right? Ipapa-check pa 'yan kay Dean kaya as much as
possible, ayusin mo na. Baka mahuli ka sa grading."

"Yes, ma'am. I'll start later."

Nagpatuloy sila sa pag-uusap tungkol doon. I put down my spoon and fork and combed
my hair using my hands. Mill had been so busy with work lately that I didn't bother
calling her to pick me up anymore because I wanted her to get some rest. Hindi
naman kalayuan ang apartment. I could go home on my own.

Habang nag-uusap ang dalawa ay umilaw ang cellphone ko. A quick look told me it was
from Nathaniel, and sure enough, it was.

From: Nathaniel

Ate, good evening. Sorry makulit. May mga alam ka bang website or online library na
puwede kong pagkuhanan ng files? Mas maganda sigurong mag-advance reading na.
Ayokong mangulelat sa klase.

I smiled. He was this excited?

To: Nathaniel

I'll send you the links later. I-check mo muna 'yong curriculum ng Grade 11 STEM
para alam mo kung ano ang mga subjects na uunahin.

From: Nathaniel

Okay, ate. Kinausap ko na si Nash na siya muna ang tumao sa tindahan bukas. Saang
school kaya tayo mag-e-enroll? Public lang sana.

To: Nathaniel
I have a few schools in mind. Ikaw ang mamimili bukas kung saan mo gusto.

From: Nathaniel

Salamat, ate. Nakakakaba. Hahahaha.

Hindi ko maiwasang matawa sa naging reply niya. I could hear him in my head.

"Wow, it was nice hearing you laugh, Mari," kuha ni Ms. Lubrica sa atensyon ko.

Ibinaba ko ang cellphone at nagkibit-balikat. "Natawa lang po ako sa reply ng

kausap ko."

Tumango-tango siya. "I'll assume that's your friend," aniya pa sabay baling kay
Leon.

I shook my head, still smiling. "Hindi po, ma'am."

"Oh . . ." Umawang ang labi niya. "Okay . . ."

Leon stood up, his chair clanging. Dinampot niya mula sa gilid ng mesa ang paper
bag at tahimik na inilagay roon ang mga wala nang laman na food containers. His
face was blank as he did that.

"I've got to go, ma'am," pagpapaalam ko bago kinuha ang bag ko. "May gagawin pa po
ako sa bahay."

Nathaniel was waiting for the links. I should send those as soon as possible.

Napakurap si Ma'am. "Ba't hindi ka pa magpahatid kay Leon? Delikado . . ."

Umiling ako. "No need, ma'am. Sanay rin naman po akong bumyahe nang mag-isa . . .
at hindi rin naman po malayo ang apartment."

She cast a wary glance at Leon, still unsure. Isang pagpapaalam pa ay lumabas na
ako ng office at mabilis na naghintay ng masasakyan. I was so quick that I had
already taken the jeep when Leon exited the university. Lumabi lang ako nang
makitang hinabol niya ng tingin ang sinasakyan ko.

As soon as I came home, I did some research on reliable online libraries and
forwarded the links to Nathaniel. Masayang-masaya naman siya at sinabi pa sa aking
mag-aaral siya buong gabi. I realized that he might have been lurking outside their
home while waiting for me to send the download links so that he could start
reading. Mahina pa rin kasi ang signal sa kanila.

From: Nathaniel

Maraming salamat, ate. Ako ang unang tatakwil kay Kuya kapag iniwan ka. Hahahaha.

To: Nathaniel

We're not together. Be open to the possibility of having another ate.

From: Nathaniel

Mukha mo ang naka-display sa bahay niya. Imposible.

To: Nathaniel
Just focus on your readings, will you? Stop pairing me with your brother. I hate
him atm.

From: Nathaniel

May LQ kayo? Hahahahaha. Kaya pala nandito ngayon at masama ang timpla.

From: Nathaniel

Pasok na ako sa loob, ate. Tinatawag na ako ni Kuya. May dalaw talaga siya.
Hahahahaha. Salamat ulit! See you bukas.

I pouted. What's wrong with Leon? 'Wag niya naman sanang pagbuntunan ng inis ang
kambal.

To: Nathaniel

Text me if he gets mad for no reason. That's not healthy.

From: Nathaniel

Nako. Hindi ganoon si Kuya. Nagpapalamig lang 'to ng ulo kaya nandito. Gusto ng
kakwentuhan.

To: Nathaniel

Okay. Good luck with your studies. Bukas na lang.

I heaved a sigh as I stared at the ceiling, imagining those three grown-ups in a

small home, talking to each other.

Alam kong sa pagitan namin ni Leon ay ako pa ang mas may kakayanang magalit nang
walang dahilan. I mean, I had a reason . . . but sometimes, it was shallow. Between
the two of us, I was the more emotional one. Kaya nga alam kong may paliwanag siya
kung bakit may koneksyon pa rin sila ni Psyche.

The following day, I got up early and decided to go to work already. Hindi na rin
ako nagdala ng packed lunch dahil magkikita naman kami ni Nathaniel mamaya. I went
straight to the cafeteria and bought myself a cup of coffee and a slice of red
velvet cake.

Minutes into eating, I saw a bunch of interns entering the place. Mabilis na naagaw
ni Paolo ang atensyon ko nang malawak na ngumiti at kumaway ito sa akin. I waved
back a bit, and I wasn't so shocked when he came over to my table.

"Good morning," nakangiting aniya. "Ang aga mo, ah?"

I smiled back. "Good morning. Tapos na ang shift mo?"

Tumango lang siya. He told me to wait while he ordered his breakfast, and I did.
Madalas ko rin naman siyang makasalubong dito. Talagang hindi lang magpanagpo ang
oras namin. Laging tanguan at ngitian lang ang nangyayari. To be honest, I'm
relieved we didn't have a love connection because we got along well. Hindi kami
awkward. Or maybe he was just a really good conversationalist.

"Naabutan din kita," sabi niya bago inilapag ang tray ng rice meal sa table ko.
"Tagal kong pasilay-silay lang, eh."

I scoffed. "Don't test me."

"Alam ko." Tumawa siya. "Hirap mong biruin."

Natatawang umiling na lang ako. I kept eating my cake while silently scolding
myself for having carbs for breakfast.

"Hindi ba magagalit ang boyfriend mo na kumakain ka kasama ako?" maya maya'y tanong
niya.

I pursed my lips. "Meron ba?"

"Oh . . . you didn't get back with Zamora?"

Nagkibit-balikat ako. "Hindi . . . at talaga bang chichismisin mo 'ko tungkol

d'yan?"

He chuckled. "Well, the nurses are talking about your relationship. Nag-internship
pala kayo rito dati kaya maraming nakakaalam na mag-ex kayo."

I rolled my eyes at him. "You're so nosy."

Napabulanghit siya ng tawa. "Kaya hindi mo 'ko type, 'no? Mahilig ka sa tahimik."

I threw him my tissue, which made him laugh more. Sumimangot lang ako at hinintay
siyang matapos doon.

"Kung na-gets ko lang agad noon na mga introvert pala ang gusto mo, sana nagpanggap
ako," pagpapatuloy niya pa.

"Hey, I thought you were an introvert before! You were so shy!" saad ko.

"Syempre no'ng una lang 'yon. Hindi pa tayo close, eh." He shrugged. "I bet if
Zamora hadn't pursued you before, you'd consider dating me."

"You wish, Paolo."

He grinned. "Thank goodness, I can take rejection pretty well. I used to like you a
lot."

"Sino bang hindi?" I joked. "It's in the past now. You know we can be good
friends."

"At ano? Hahayaan ko pang masuntok ako ng lalaki mo?" he asked, chuckling.
"Seriously, I haven't thanked you before . . . but I'm grateful that you've turned
me down immediately. I've avoided a heartbreak."

I took a sip of my coffee, staring intently at him. Nang ibaba ko ang tasa ay
sinimangutan ko siya.

"Why are we talking about this again?" tanong ko. "Are you sure you've moved on
from me? I mean, a lot of people are having a hard time doing that."

Napangisi ako nang muli siyang tumawa.

"Show me your arrogance again, and I might end up having my first real heartbreak,"
he said. "Stop showing me your dominant sides. Mahirap na. Baka magustuhan ulit
kita."

Umiling ako. "You can never handle me, Paolo."

"Try me."

Umawang ang labi ko kasabay ng pagdaan ng disgusto sa dibdib ko. "You're kidding,
right? Ew . . . hindi tayo talo. I can't imagine dating you."

"Tangina, swerte talaga ni Leon." He touched his lower lip and looked at me with
such amusement. "Women who know what they want are attractive, and in our next
lives, you have to want me, Mari."

Inirapan ko na lang siya. I highly doubted that. I knew my love for that particular
guy was so strong that I thought it could be passed down from generation to
generation. Walang puwang ang ibang lalaki sa puso ko dahil puno ito ng pagmamahal
sa . . . kanya. I was just too disappointed now to move forward again.

"Speaking . . ." bulong ni Paolo.

My heart started to thump right away. I looked where he was looking, and my chest
tightened when I saw Leon settling down at an empty table. Madilim ang mukha niya
habang mariin ang tingin sa pagkain. I slowly sat up straight, calming my racing
adrenaline.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit lagi na lang akong natataranta kapag nand'yan siya. Kahit
noong maayos kami. My chest would always react as if seeing him were something
new . . . like a young girl experiencing her first crush.

"Magkagalit kayo?" tanong ni Paolo.

I shook my head slowly. "Hindi . . ."

"Ba't hindi lumapit sa 'yo?"

"Ba't naman siya lalapit sa 'kin?"

He squinted. "Imagine having an LQ and seeing your girl having a meal with a man
who used to like her . . ." Umiling siya. "You'll drive him mad, Mari."

Well, imagine being in the midst of making out only to be cut off by a phone call
from a woman who used to be his fake ex-girlfriend.

Tahimik na lang kaming kumain ni Paolo. I gulped down my remaining cake and bid him
goodbye as I walked up to the office. Ramdam kong nakasunod si Leon sa akin dahil
amoy ko ang pamilyar na bango niya. He wasn't saying anything, but I could hear his
footsteps and feel his searing glare on the back of my head.

Wala akong narinig sa kanya hanggang sa mag-lunch break. Nag-ayos ako saglit dahil
nakatanggap ako ng text kay Nathaniel na naghihintay na siya sa restaurant na
kakainan namin. Nang lumabas ako ng opisina ay kunot-noo nang nakatingin sa akin si
Leon. Sumilip siya sa mesa ko, at lalong nagsalubong ang kilay niya nang ibalik ang
tingin sa akin.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

My chest hammered. "Lunch out."

He chuckled sarcastically as he bowed his head. "Enjoy."

"I will."
Lumabas ako ng opisina namin na naninikip ang dibdib sa kaba. He looked . . .
jealous. Pero ang kapatid niya naman ang kikitain ko! At . . . wala naman siyang
karapatan. He didn't think I'd be jealous either when he kept talking to Psyche. He
should get his own taste of medicine . . . para hindi niya na ulitin . . . para
malaman niyang hindi masarap sa pakiramdam ang may pinagseselosan.

"Amari!"

Napalingon ako sa opisina nang marinig siyang tumawag sa 'kin. He was already
outside.

"Ano? Aalis ka talaga?" may panunumbat sa tinig niya.

"Hindi ba halata?" tanong ko, pinipigilan ang manghina sa nakikitang selos sa mukha
niya.

Tumitig siya sa akin. "Do you hate me that much?"

"No!" I replied. "What's wrong with having lunch with . . ." With your brother who
wanted to keep this a secret from you?! ". . . someone?"

He sighed as he shook his head. Walang imik siyang pumasok sa loob ng opisina at
iniwan ako roong nakatunganga sa saradong pinto. Part of me wanted to reassure him,
but I didn't have time because I only had an hour for lunch! At naghihintay na sa
akin si Nathaniel!

Lumabas ako ng building at nag-taxi na para mas mabilis akong makarating sa

restaurant. It only took me 10 minutes as I quickly ordered food for two to be
served to Nathaniel's table. Umupo ako sa tapat ng lalaki at ngumiti sa kanya na
parang hindi ko ginalit na naman ang Kuya niya.

"Let's go directly to business, okay? Isang oras lang ang break ko," saad ko sa
kanya habang iniaabot ang folder. "Nakalagay d'yan ang public schools na puwede
mong lipatan. They're all convenient. Malapit lang sa terminal tapos well-equipped
din ang teachers. There were hardly any signs that students were being picked on. I
called the guidance offices for that."

Bumaba ang mata niya sa listahan. "Ise-search ko 'to mamaya, ate."

"Okay . . . tapos kailangan na rin nating i-process ang transcript of records mo.
By tomorrow, we can go to your previous school and have it requested. You're not a
minor anymore, so you can get it yourself, but I'll go with you because some people
who work at the registrar are rude."

"Nako, hindi na, ate. Ako na!"

Umiling ako. "You have a prior misconduct . . . baka kailanganin mo ng guardian.

Same time tayo. Tapos, ang alam ko, 3-5 working days ang itinatagal bago ma-process
ang documents. We'll meet again by then."

Dumating ang order namin at inasikaso ko ang pagkain niya. I handed him the cutlery
and cut the steak for him while he read the required credentials.

"Hindi ko sigurado kung ma-c-credit ang subjects na na-take mo na dati. You didn't
finish the second semester, right? Kakausapin natin ang lilipatan mo para mabawasan
ang loads mo. Baka naman payagan ka . . ." dagdag ko pa. "Pero kapag hindi, mag-a-
apply tayo ng scholarship. If you still think about money, puwede kang mag-part
time sa guidance office or canteen. Sigurado namang may vacant ka."
Tumatango siya. "May isa akong subject na nahihirapan ako, ate. Literature . . ."

"Forte 'yan ng Kuya mo."

He chuckled. "Forte no'n lahat."

I pursed my lips as my insides agreed. "Dahil hindi mo pa ipinapaalam 'to kay Leon,
ako muna ang magtu-tutor sa 'yo. At since nag-a-advance reading ka, we can meet
this week, same time. I'll prepare worksheets for you. Hindi kasi ako puwede ng
weekends. I have to do my weekly library getaways."

"Nagbabasa ka sa free time mo, ate?"

"Yup."

"Parehas na parehas kayo ni Kuya." Ngumiti siya. "Nasaulo niya ang periodic table
no'ng nasa kindergarten siya tapos no'ng nag-grade 1, kaya niya nang magsagot ng
quadratic equations. Grade 4, nakapagsulat siya ng summary ng Noli Me Tangere at El
Filibusterismo. Ang sabi ni Nanay, puwede raw siyang ma-accelerate, pero hindi siya
pumayag kasi ayaw niyang madaliin ang paglaki ni Kuya."

Napakurap ako sa mga sinabi niya. I've always known Leon was smart, but not to this
degree.

I was in grade 5 when I got to memorize the periodic table, and I started getting
good at basic calculus when I was in grade 7. Hirap akong magsaulo ng dates noon
kaya hindi ko sinubukang magbasa ng history. I never thought of reading Rizal's
books because I was more interested in human anatomy when I was in grade 4.

"Bakit mo sinasabi sa 'kin 'yan?" I asked. "Ganoon din naman ako. My guardians
before used to call me a child genius."

"Guardians? Parents mo?" tanong niya bago sumubo ng pagkain.

Umiling ako. "Mga caretaker sa ampunan."

Kitang-kita ko ang pamimilog ng mga mata niya. "Shit, sorry, ate! Hindi ko alam!"

"Sa tanda kong 'to, tingin mo big deal pa rin 'yan sa 'kin?" I chuckled. "I lived
in an orphanage until I turned 17."

He seemed to feel bad about bringing that up. Sanay naman na ako sa ganoong
reaksyon. They would feel sorry for me, like my life was a tragedy.

"Pero 'yong ginagamit mong pangalan . . ." he trailed off.

Tumango ako. "Oo. Sa mga magulang ko. Amari Sloane D. Mendoza. D is for dela Vega,
which is the maiden name of my biological father's wife, and Mendoza, which is his
last name."

"Mendoza ka?"

"Unfortunately." I chuckled. "My middle name was supposed to be Medina, but my

parents were messed up, so they kind of messed up with my name, too."

Tumigil siya sa pagkain at pinakatitigan ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit noong mga
oras na 'yon ay dinaga ang dibdib ko. He looked like he was about to say something
that would change my views . . . my life . . . and the way I saw Leon.
"Alam kong maraming Mendoza at dela Vega sa mundo . . ." His gaze remained intense,
almost identical to Leon's. "Pero related ka ba kay Percy Ezekiel Mendoza, ate?"

I was taken aback. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa tinidor at hindi makapaniwalang tumitig
din sa kanya. My heart was beating so hard it hurt. How did he come to know him?
Dahil . . . siya ba ang tumulong sa kanila noon?

That was . . . possible. Si Mr. Mendoza naman talaga ang nag-offer kay Leon na
palalabasin sila. Nawala iyon sa isip ko. I should have kept my mouth shut. I
shouldn't have said anything about my past!

"'Yong mga anak no'n ang nagpasok sa 'min sa pag-d-drugs, ate. Tatay mismo nila ang
supplier nila."

Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip. "W-What?"

"Naging kabarkada, eh . . . pero no'ng nagkahulihan, kami lang ni Nash ang

nakulong. Sila 'tong talamak na, pero ikinanta nila kami." Umiling siya. "Okay
lang. Dapat lang din naman sa 'min 'yon dahil gumamit din kami."

My mind completely went blank. I had so many questions, but all of them seem to
have disappeared. It was such a big revelation to me that I couldn't think of
anything to say. Bago kami maghiwalay ni Leon, klaro niyang sinabi sa akin na
tutulungan siya ni Mr. Mendoza para palabasin ang kambal. He didn't tell me . . .
this. And all these years, I've cried about his betrayal.

"Kahit nga si Kuya, eh. Kung hindi pa kami nagmakaawang 'wag kaming pyansahan, baka
hanggang ngayon, baon pa rin siya sa utang."

I was rooted to my seat when Nathaniel's words rang in my head. Hindi sila
pinyansahan ni Leon. They served their time in jail!

"N-No'ng umuwi ang Kuya n'yo . . . hindi kayo nakalaya?" I asked in my small voice.

Umiling siya. "Hating-hati siya no'n . . . pero hindi. Nakinig siya sa 'min no'ng
sinabi naming kailangan naming managot sa batas, kaya kahit kita niyang may mga
pasa at sugat kami tuwing dumadalaw siya sa presinto, tinitiis niya lang. Ginagamot
niya lang kami kasi alam niyang kahit may medic do'n, hindi naman kami mapapansin."

My lips quivered. This . . . wasn't what I envisioned. Kung hindi siya

nagpyansa . . . did it mean he didn't ask my dad for help? He didn't work for him?

But he said he would! Pinaniwalaan ko 'yon! It even made me question his love for
me now! Dahil tinalikuran niya na ako noon . . . I was afraid he'd do the same
thing again!

"Hanga ako kay Kuya kasi hanggang ngayon, hindi niya sinusukuan ang kaso namin.
Kahit nakalabas na kami, gusto niyang managot din sa batas ang mga anak ni Percy.
Nag-petition siya, pero iba ang nagagawa ng pera, ate. Back-up din kasi nila ang
tatay nila." Mapait siyang ngumiti. "Kulang pa rin siya sa mga ebidensya. Hindi
naman kami pakikinggan ng mga pulis. Sabi ko nga, tama na. Malaking mga tao kasi
ang binabangga niya."

I could feel tears coming to my eyes. Bakit hindi niya sinasabi sa 'kin 'to?! We've
been okay for weeks! He had plenty of time to tell me he didn't work for the people
who hurt me!

"I . . . I have to go, Nathaniel."

"Ate?"

Huminga ako nang malalim. "I-I have to talk to your brother."

"Ate . . ." Umiling siya. "'Wag mong sasabihin na sinabi ko. Pagagalitan ako no'n."

I looked right into his eyes and felt a surge of emotions rising inside me.

"Leon cried so much when we were in Italy. He cried when Tita Leah died. He must
have cried when he saw your bruises."

I shook my head as needles of pain stroked through my heart.

"I'm not as powerful as them, but your brother won't have to fight against
injustice by himself, Nathaniel."

"Ate, hindi na . . . ayokong madamay ka pa rito."

Mr. Mendoza . . . you fucking dickhead. You put Leon's siblings behind bars and
offered to let them out. You know Leon couldn't resist them, and you know that it
will hurt me. You really are a genius . . . you attack the weak.

But unfortunately, you were wrong in one thing — you've brought a genius into this
world, too.

"Even if I have to spend everything I own to put that asshole in jail, I wouldn't
bat an eyelash, Nathaniel." I gritted my teeth. "I'd look into his past, his
research firm, and his extramarital affairs . . . I'll be the living witness of the
mistake he shouldn't have made."

Chapter 37 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 37

Halos tumakbo ako papunta sa opisina namin ni Leon. My chest was heaving because I
wanted to know the truth about what had happened. Gusto kong makumpirma na hindi
siya nagtrabaho kay Mr. Mendoza. Because if he really didn't, then I wouldn't be
having any of these doubts in the first place.

Alam kong marami pa akong dapat itanong. Tungkol kay Psyche . . . at sa nanay niya.
The last time we talked about this, he said he'd be working for them. Magiging
tutor siya ni Psyche at tutulungan naman siya ni Valeen sa pagbabayad ng hospital
bills ni Tita Leah.

He might have worked for my biological mother . . . but if he didn't ask for my
father's help, then why didn't he tell me? We were in the same circle. Madaling
mahanap ang contact info ko. He could've reached out . . . kaya kong maintindihan.

"Leon!" I shouted when I reached the office.

Tumambad sa akin ang bakanteng mesa niya. His swivel chair was tucked under the
table, and his documents were piled on one side. Pumasok ako sa loob at sinilip ang
opisina ko, nagbabaka-sakaling mahanap ko siya roon . . . pero wala. There were no
traces of him anywhere.
Hinahapo akong naupo sa couch. He must be at the cafeteria, having lunch. I don't
know. The lunch would be over in 10 minutes, and I had to pull my shit together and
not let my emotions get in the way.

I breathed deeply to calm myself. We'd been through enough . . . at lahat 'yon ay
dahil sa sarili kong ama. Nagkasakit si Tita Leah dahil sa stress na ibinigay sa
kanya ng kambal. Sure, Nathaniel and Nash could have stayed away from illegal
drugs, but they were so young and didn't know any better. They were aggressive. At
pinagbayaran na nila 'yon.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasa isip ng magaling kong ama. I wasn't sure if he knew
that Nathaniel and Nash were Leon's brothers, and that Leon would always choose his
family over me . . . I don't know. Kung ginawa niya lang 'to para parusahan ako . .
. masyadong mababaw . . . masyadong walang laman. Pero kung sakali mang nadamay
lang ang pamilya ni Leon dahil sa 'kin . . . I don't know if I still had the guts
to face them.

To: Mr. Zamora

Where are you?

Sumasakit ang sintido ko kakaisip. Sana . . . hindi dahil sa 'kin. Sana may mas
malalim na rason si Mr. Mendoza sa mga kagaguhang ginawa niya. Hindi ko mapapatawad
ang sarili ko kung sakali mang ako ang puno't dulo ng paghihirap ng lalaking mahal
ko.

But then . . . I was, right?

Umpisa pa lang, napakarami ko nang kasalanang nagawa sa kanya. I treated him like a
rival I had to beat, even though all he did was help me. Gusto kong matalo siya
para lang mapangiti ang isang taong wala namang pakialam sa akin. Na habang
pinagsisilbihan ko ang tatay ko, habang sinusunod ko ang mga kondisyon niya para
kilalanin ako, para hindi kami mapalayas sa tinitirahan namin . . . Leon just
patiently waited for me to see things from a different point of view.

And despite my shortcomings, he poured his love and attention into me so that I
would never feel like I was lacking. He put his arms around my thorns, even if he
knew they would prick his skin and make him bleed.

If he suffered because my father wanted to hurt me . . . I'd know in my heart that

he deserved a better woman than I could ever be.

Lumipas ang tatlumpong minuto na walang kahit na anong reply mula sa kanya. Hindi
ko maipaliwanag kung bakit kinakabahan ako. Sinubukan ko siyang tawagan pero
nakapatay ang cellphone niya. Bumaba na rin ako para hanapin siya sa cafeteria,
nurse's station . . . pero wala.

"Ma'am, nag-half day po si Sir," saad sa akin ng isang nurse, marahil ay napansin
ang pag-iikot ko. "Hindi po ba nagsabi?"

I slowly shook my head, feeling a bit of disappointment in my core.

"Sige, thank you."

Bumalik ako sa opisina namin at unti-unting naglakad papunta sa mesa niya. The
picture frame was pushed down on the table as if he didn't want to look at it.
Iniayos ko iyon at nanikip ang dibdib ko nang muling makita ang larawan namin ni
Tita Leah. Bago na ang frame pero hindi niya pinalitan ang pictures. It was still
the collage photo of his . . . favorite girls.
Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at muling nag-text sa kanya.

To: Mr. Zamora

Are you busy? Hindi mo nasabi kanina na magha-half day ka. If you have time and you
see this message, call me, alright? I have something to ask you.

Pinilit kong magtrabaho buong hapon. I met with the clients and did my best to pay
attention to their problems as they told me about them. I gave advice and planned
for treatment intervention. I stopped thinking about everything because I had to
work.

I sent numerous text messages to Leon. Tuwing napapasulyap ako sa bakanteng mesa
niya ay awtomatikong gumagalaw ang kamay ko para magtipa ng mensahe sa kanya. I was
worried, and at the same time, I had too many questions to ask him.

Kaya naman nang matapos sa pagtatrabaho ay hindi na ako nagdalawang-isip na tumulak

papuntang treehouse niya. I couldn't just go home because I would lose my mind with
all these questions in my head.

Wala pa rin siyang reply at naka-off pa rin ang cellphone niya. I couldn't wait for
tomorrow. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko kayang itulog ang mga naiisip.

Sarado ang treehouse nang makarating ako roon kaya naupo muna ako sa hagdan.

I played with my hands, realizing that we had lived a really, really difficult
life.

Ang sabay naming pagtatrabaho para may maipambayad sa renta, ang pagtira namin sa
maliit na apartment na iisa lang ang kama, ang pagbili namin ng mga lumang damit
dahil wala kaming pera . . . those were the memories I could never look back on
without crying.

Kasi sa dami ng pinagdaanan namin . . . bakit pa kami pinaghiwalay? At kahit

ngayong mayroon na kaming mga bagay na hirap na hirap kaming makuha noon . . .
bakit hindi pa rin kami magkasama?

I wanted a restart. I wanted to meet him again for the first time and feel all the
excitement of falling in love once more. I wanted to begin again without all these
doubts following me around.

Tatlong oras akong naghintay hanggang sa matanaw ko ang pulang sasakyan niya.
Kumakalam ang sikmura ko sa gutom dahil hindi ko naman naubos ang tanghalian namin
ni Nathaniel kanina. Hindi na rin ako nakapag-hapunan. Hindi ko naman kasi
inaasahang wala siya rito. There were mosquito bites on my legs, but that was the
least of my worries now.

I wanted to talk to him . . . about the past . . . his plans . . . everything. Just
a talk with him would make me okay, and make all these doubts go away. Wala na
akong pakialam kung sisisihin ko ang sarili dahil masyado akong naging mababaw. I
just needed answers.

The beams of his car's headlights struck the ladder I was perched on, so I slid my
hand over my face to cover my eyes. Pinatay niya ang makina ng sasakyan bago
tuluyang lumabas.

Sa oras na nagtama ang mga mata namin ay mabilis na nagwala ang dibdib ko . . .
hindi dahil sa pamilyar na saya kung hindi dahil sa matinding kaba at . . . takot.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit. The adrenaline surged through my veins, and the tremors I
felt from looking into his piercing, cold eyes made me want to retreat, made me
lose the purpose of why I was here.

He looked . . . mad. Magulo ang buhok niya at namumula ang leeg. His clothes were
all wrinkled, and it seemed as if he had been out all day.

Kahit na blangko lang ang mukha niya, may kung anong kumirot sa puso ko dahil alam
kong galit siya. The anger was too intense for his face to express, but after
knowing and loving him for so long, all his expressions were already tattooed in my
mind.

May kaunting gulat sa mga mata niya pero mas pansin ko ang kawalan ng interes sa
kanila . . . that if they could only talk, they could have told me to get lost.

I was nervous, almost sweating. I had a feeling that I shouldn't be here. Tila
lumipad lahat ng rason kung bakit ko siya pinuntahan dito. Hindi ko gusto ang
itsura niya . . . parang may baon siyang isang bagay na makakasakit sa 'kin.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?" tanong niya, ni hindi na nag-abalang lumapit sa 'kin.

Floods of fear started to cause havoc from within me. His coldness hit me right in
the core.

No, he wasn't mad . . . he just didn't care.

"May . . . itatanong sana ako."

He breathed. "What?"

Parang lalabas ang puso ko sa kaba pero sinubukan ko pa ring ngumiti sa kanya. Baka
pagod lang. Our work has been too much these days.

"Uhm . . . saan ka galing?" I asked.

He scoffed. "Why do you care?"

I felt a sharp pain shoot through me as he walked slowly toward me, looking bored
and dull. Napakurap pa ako nang dumaan siya sa gilid ko, hindi malaman kung ano ang
susunod na dapat gawin.

The strong smell of alcohol caught my attention, and so in reflex, I turned around
and grabbed his wrist to stop him from climbing up to his house.

Napalingon siya sa akin, puno ng inis ang mukha. My heart began to beat brutally,
forcing my knees to tremble.

"U-Uminom ka?"

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa kamay kong nakahawak sa kanya at walang pagdadalawang-
isip na tinanggal iyon.

"L-Leon . . ." I almost gasped. "I-I'm just asking."

I was scared for some reason. Gone was the Leon who loved me. At kahit ilang minuto
pa lang kaming magkausap ay ramdam ko na ang distansya niya niya.

It was familiar. Iyong pakiramdam na tapos na bago pa tuluyang matapos. The

impending doom before the break-up . . . it felt too familiar.
Parang dati lang . . . bago kami nasira.

Noon, habang nasa kalagitnaan siya ng problema, inalis niya rin ang braso kong
nakayakap sa kanya.

For months, I endured the pain of watching his back on the nights when I wanted to
comfort him. I put up with his indifference and detachment. Na kahit ramdam ko ang
paglayo niya, para akong tangang nagkukumahog sa atensyon niya.

I was there, but to him . . . I wasn't.

And right now, it was all the same again.

Nanginginig ang labi kong ngumiti sa kanya. "Y-You're drunk, right? Ang mabuti pa,
magpahinga ka na. Bukas na lang tayo mag-usap."

He chuckled sarcastically and shook his head. Sa paraan ng paggalaw niya ay parang
napakalaking kaaksayahan ng oras ang pakikipag-usap sa akin.

"Worry about yourself, Mendoza . . . because I'm done doing that for you."

Agad na namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko nang. Tumalikod siya at nagpatuloy na sa pag-
akyat.

Without thinking, I rushed to him and grabbed his wrist again, terrified of what he
said and wishing he didn't mean it.

"Leon . . ." I muttered. "W-What's our problem?"

Pilit niyang tinanggal ang kamay ko ngunit hinigpitan ko lang ang hawak ko sa
kanya. I felt like the bottom of the ground had opened up and swallowed me whole
because he looked so disgusted by me, and I knew damn well it wasn't from the
alcohol.

Nagbuntong-hininga siya bago nag-angat ng tingin sa akin. I stared at him

pleadingly because this wasn't what I thought he would do. I just wanted to know
what happened . . . bakit niya ako itinatapon nang ganito?

"I'm done . . . ano'ng hindi mo naintindihan do'n?"

Umiling ako. "Done from what?"

"We're going in circles . . . nakakapagod." He rolled his eyes, chuckling. "I've

given it some thought earlier. I've fired my last shot. Pinakita ko sa 'yong mahal
kita, ginawa ko na lahat, tiniis ko ang paglayo at pananakit mo . . . but it still
didn't work out, so I'm done."

Tuluyang pumatak ang luha ko. "L-Leon . . . don't say that."

"Don't use your waterworks on me, Mendoza," he said coldly. "You've called our
memories shallow. You've called my feelings a joke. Naiintindihan ko naman 'yon
dahil nagkamali ako sa 'yo . . . but the constant fear that you'll leave me . . ."
He shook his head. "I can't take it . . . so just leave all at once. Para tapos
na."

Nothing came out of my mouth, but the tears continued to stream down my cheeks.
Ramdam ko ang ang unti-unting pagguho ng pag-asa sa dibdib ko. It hurt so much that
my heart felt like it had been torn apart into a million tiny pieces.
 "When I thought things were looking up, you go and knock some sense into me. Ayaw
mo 'kong magsalita? Hindi ako magsasalita. Ayaw mo 'kong gawin 'to? Hindi ko
gagawin 'to. Ayaw mong nasa paligid ako? Aalis ako. Just tell me what to do . . .
and I'll obey you like a dog."

He looked at his feet and let out a low chuckle.

"Mahal na mahal na mahal kita. Isang ngiti mo lang sa 'kin . . . tangina . . .

maghapon ko nang iniisip."

My grip on his wrist loosened until I slowly let it go.

"No'ng pinayagan mo 'kong ihatid ka, kahit gabi na, nilinis ko 'yang kotse kasi ang
saya-saya ko . . . kasi kapag sumakay ka ulit d'yan, gusto ko komportable ka. Isang
reply lang, hindi na ako nakakatulog. Tapos isang yakap mo lang, nawala lahat ng
bigat na tiniis ko . . ."

His voice broke as he looked at me, sincerity mirroring his eyes.

"Pero nakakapagod ka nang mahalin, Amari. Kasi alam kong kung gugustuhin mo,
mabilis mo 'kong mapapalitan. Kasi kung gugustuhin mo, kayang-kaya mo 'kong durugin
. . ."

I could do nothing but stare at him, mourning for the slow but sudden death of our
love.

You made him think he was worthless, Amari. You made him feel like his affection
for you was just taken for granted.

"I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of waiting, of just watching and reaching
out. I'm tired, really tired, of being in love with you . . . so I'm raising my
white flag now. I've fought hard and long enough. Gusto ko na lang magpahinga."

Patuloy ang pagbagsak ng luha ko. I wanted to tell him that I wouldn't leave him,
that I wouldn't trade him for anyone else, that I was just having doubts but that I
still loved him . . . pero walang lumabas sa bibig ko kung hindi mahihinang hikbi.

Trademark ko na yata talaga ang pagiging late.

After all, he was right. We were going around in circles. Magmamahalan,

magsasakitan, magmamahalan, magsasakitan. It was a never-ending cycle. May mga
pagkakamali siya . . . may mga pagkakamali ako. We just couldn't make it work. We
just couldn't meet halfway.

Good game, Amari. May pinagod ka na naman . . .

I knew what to do. I'd memorized this already. I'd gone through so much of this,
heard so much of this, that the pain was all too familiar.

"I'm sorry, Leon . . ." I whispered, bowing my head. "I-I'm sorry for wearing you
out."

A lone tear escaped my eye.

"But you're right. If someone has drained your energy and made you question your
worth . . . leave them. No matter who they are, no matter if it's . . . me."

Nanginginig kong inabot ang kamay niya at marahang hinawakan iyon. The pattern with
people and the way that they grew tired of me was the same — there was nothing I
could do but leave and let them heal without me.

"There's one thing I want to do for you, so consider this my last shot, okay?" I
held back a sob. "I'm sorry . . . I hope you can have your rest."

Kasabay ng pagtalikod ko sa kanya ay ang pagragasa ng luha ko. I heard him call my
name softly, but I ran down the ladder as quickly as I could, thinking about how
scared he looked earlier when I said I'd eat lunch outside and how upset he
appeared when he saw me with Paolo.

Those were just small issues that could simply be clarified. Puwede kong sabihing
si Nathaniel ang kasama ko at walang ibang lalaki sa buhay kung hindi siya. I could
easily assure him . . . but I was sure it wasn't the only case.

Siguradong bago siya napagod, ilang libong tyansa ang ibinigay niya para isalba ang
relasyon namin. Bago siya napagod, ilang boltahe ng sakit ang naiparamdam ko.

He must have been keeping all his pain to himself. Masakit na nga ang pinagdaanan
niya sa pamilya, dinagdagan ko pa.

Sure, he had his shortcomings too. Umpisa pa lang, puwede niya nang sabihin sa akin
na may komunikasyon pa rin sila ni Psyche at hindi niya itinuloy ang pagtatrabaho
kay Mr. Mendoza. He could've easily removed my doubts . . . but he didn't.

We could have solved it like how A+ students handle the most difficult problems
with ease, like how professionals analyze issues with skills, like how wounded
couples communicate and understand one another with depth . . . but no. Same test,
same partners, same issues, yet we failed again.

And for people who thought they were smart, we were fucking dumb in love.

I let out another tear.

Don't worry, Zamora. I'll avenge the death of our love . . . I'll avenge your pain.

Dumiretso ako sa opisina at agad na gumawa ng resignation letter. I slowly packed

my things as tears streamed down my face for the part of me that I would be leaving
behind. I sat in his swivel chair and told the heavens how much I loved him and how
sorry I was. Nang magkalakas ng loob ay binalikan ko pa ang lahat ng text messages
na isinend ko kanina sa kanya.

To: Mr. Zamora

Bakit ba naka-off ang cellphone mo? Are you okay?

To: Mr. Zamora

Nasaan ka ba kasi? I'm gonna ask you something. It can't wait.

To: Mr. Zamora

I'll listen to whatever you have to say now. I'm done prolonging this. If I feel
disappointed in any way, we have to make each other understand, okay? We'll take it
from there. We'll decide from there. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting, but you
should also apologize to me for not saying that! Hindi mo gets, 'no? That's why we
have a lot to talk about, Zamora. I won't go easy on you.

To: Mr. Zamora

Come home quickly. I'll be there.

To: Mr. Zamora

I'm here. I'll wait.

Wow, Amari. Those were . . . pathetic. Ipagdasal mo na lang na hindi niya ma-
receive 'yan.

With blurry sight, I deleted our conversation and call logs and blocked his number.
Natatakot akong baka tawagan ko siya. Baka . . . magmakaawa ako, magtanong,
mangulit. I could never tire him out more than he already was. Hindi naman ako
ganoon kasama.

Ibinaba ko ang cellphone at kinuha ang picture frame niya. I took the picture out
and used the scissors he had on his table to cut my own face. Itinira ko lang ang
larawan ni Tita Leah bago muling ibinalik iyon sa frame.

Forget me, Leon. Don't leave any traces of me. It was way too late for you to
realize that you deserved more than I could give you . . . but at least you could
take a break from me now.

Habang binabagtas ko ang daan palabas ng VDMH ay nilulunok ko ang mga hikbing
gustong kumawala sa lalamunan ko. I would still keep my promise to Nathaniel to
help him enroll. Iiyak lang ako saglit . . . pero ako ang magtutuloy ng
ipinaglalaban ni Leon.

Bitbit ang kahon kung saan nakalagay ang mga gamit ko at ang isang bagong biling
sim card ay narinig ko ang pagri-ring ng cellphone ko. I didn't want to pick it up,
but when I saw that it was Mill, I didn't hesitate to answer it.

"Hello? Nasa apartment ka naman na siguro, 'no? Mala-late ako ng uwi. Kumain ka na
ba?" dire-diretsong saad niya. "Dami ko pang isusulat at i-e-edit. Nagyo-yosi lang
ako rito sa labas."

"Pauwi na 'ko . . ."

"Anyare sa 'yo? Umiyak ka ba?" tanong niya agad.

"Hindi." I chuckled. "Ang lamig sa office . . . sinipon lang."

She laughed. "Ang arte kasi ng mga outfit mo! Kulang na lang mag-backless ka, eh!
Mag-jacket ka bukas. May gamot pa naman sa sipon sa medicine cabinet. Inumin mo
pag-uwi. Kaliwang pinto, dulo, green na lalagyan," aniya pa. "Baka madaling araw na
'ko makauwi. May ipabibili ka?"

I bit my lower lip to stop a tear from falling. Basta talaga si Leon at ang mga
kaibigan ko, nagiging iyakin ako.

I looked at the cars going by and realized that I didn't want to spend the night
alone. Mag-iisip lang ako nang mag-iisip. Iiyak nang iiyak.

"Baka puntahan ko si Gayle . . ." sabi ko.

"Aba, gabi na! Baka natutulog na 'yon!"

"Si Karsen."
"Nakikipag-sex 'yon nang ganitong oras, maniwala ka sa 'kin."

I chuckled weakly. "Cockblock . . . deserve naman 'yon ni Kobe, 'di ba?"

"Bet ko 'yan!" Tumawa siya. "Text mo na si Karsen para makapag-ayos if ever. Kadiri
naman at baka maabutan mo pa sa akto."

Napailing ako. "Ang dumi ng utak mo talaga."

"Eh, paano! Kakanood ni Gayle ng mga kung ano-anong video, humihingi ng baby sa
tatay niya! Edi paniguradong nag-g-grind sila!"

Kausap ko siya hanggang sa makasakay ako. Itinext ko si Nathaniel na next week na

kami mag-meet dahil sa isang emergency, at pumayag naman siya.

I gave the taxi driver Karsen's address, and as her friend, I had an ID to get into
their exclusive subdivision. Naghihintay na ang babae sa akin sa labas ng bahay
nila nang bumaba ako. She helped me with my things and got them all inside the
house.

"Nangnang!" tili ni Gayle.

Agad na lumapat ang ngiti sa labi ko nang tumakbo siya papunta sa akin. Binuhat ko
siya at para siyang kiti-kiting naglikot sa braso ko.

"Baby, bakit gising ka pa?"

"Nako, binuhay ko lang ang ilaw, sumunod na sa 'kin," sagot ni Karsen. "Big girl na
pero sa kwarto pa rin namin ng Daddy niya natutulog."

Nakita ko sa hagdan si Kobe. Tumango siya sa akin at bumati naman ako pabalik. Kung
sa kwarto nila natutulog si Gayle, imposible ang sinabi ni Mill . . . and me, being
here, might actually be the counterpart of being a cockblocker.

"Gayle, magwa-wash lang ako tapos sa kwarto mo tayo, ha? Tabi tayo. Samahan mo si
ninang, okay?"

She giggled cutely and kissed my cheeks. "Opo, nangnang."

Nangingiting ibinaba ko siya. Beside my belongings were Karsen's clothes. Napansin

kong nakatitig siya sa akin at parang binabasa ang mukha ko.

"Ano?" I asked.

She pursed her lips. "Buti at ako ang nakakakita sa 'yo ngayon . . . hindi si
Mill."

"At bakit?"

"Maga ang mata mo. Masasapak no'n ang nagpaiyak sa 'yo." She glanced at Kobe. "'Di
ba?"

Napatawa ako nang sumimangot ang lalaki. Walang kahirap-hirap nitong binuhat ang
anak bago nilapitan si Karsen. Kinuha ko naman ang damit ng kaibigan at nagpaalam
na sa kanila para makapaglinis ng katawan. I took a shower and tried not to cry
more as I thought about everything Leon had said.

Nang lumabas ako ng banyo ay nandoon ang kaibigan ko. She was pouting, almost
glaring at me.
"Ano na naman?" natatawang tanong ko.

Unti-unting lumamlam ang mga mata niya. "Kailangan mo ng hug?"

Bago pa ako makasagot ay lumapit na siya sa akin at agad na pinaikot ang braso niya
sa katawan ko. She rested her head on my shoulder and patted my back.

"Be gentle with yourself, Mari. Not everything that goes wrong is your fault, and
even when it is, you shouldn't let it define who you are. You've made it through
before, and now that you're stronger, this time will be much easier," she
whispered. "Kung gusto mo ng makakausap . . . hindi na ako bata, okay? Kaya ko nang
makinig. I can offer you a shoulder to cry on, too. Malakas na rin ako. Pinalakas
n'yo 'ko."

I shut my eyes and let myself find comfort in her arms. I realized that in all
these years, I hadn't really shared my problems with her. Kasi iniisip kong may
Gayle siya at mahirap nang dagdagan pa ang pasanin niya. Kasi iniisip kong siya pa
rin ang bunso namin, 'yong tinitrintasan ko lang noon at inaayusan, 'yong iyakin at
madungis na bata lang.

"Karsen, raise your daughter as gently as you can. Don't pressure her into having
good grades or being the best at something. Hold her close and protect her from
wishing she had a different life," saad ko. "Remind her that she should never get
tired of herself . . . even if everyone else around her does."

Tumango siya. "Hanggang huling hininga ko, ipaparamdam ko lahat kay Gayle 'yan."

"Good . . ." At least she wouldn't grow up like me. "Now, let's rest. Masyado nang
mahaba ang araw na 'to."

She agreed, and guided me to Gayle's room. Nakahiga na roon ang bata habang yakap
ang kulay rosas na stuffed toy niya. Her dolls were lined up, and it was so obvious
that it was her room.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at napangiti nang makitang mahimbing na ang tulog niya. I
lightly kissed the side of her head as I watched her sleep.

Mabuti na lang at hindi siya lalaking kulang. With her sweetness and kindness, no
one could ever get tired of her. She would be raised with a lot of compassion, and
she wouldn't be scared to express her emotions or take chances.

Tumayo ako at nahiga sa tabi niya. I took out my phone and looked for an email
address that had been given to me a long time ago. I still had a lot of questions,
but I knew for sure that my father was doing something wrong and needed to be
punished. As his loving daughter, it was my job to show him the right way.

And like the adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Dear Mr. Mendoza,

How are you? Do you still remember me? I'm Amari Sloane D. Mendoza, your ungrateful
kid. I know I did some bad things the last time I saw you, and I've been sorry for
it all this time. You're my father, and I owe my life to you. You were right; I
should not have let my emotions leave me so fragile and incapable of making
rational decisions.

So, here I am now, like what you predicted — poor and penniless. Because of my
pride and arrogance, none of my achievements mattered to anyone. I had a job in
Italy, but I developed an unhealthy obsession with status symbols, which caused me
to blow through most of my funds and rack up mounting debt that I could not repay.

I also worked at VDMH, and you could find that on my resume. I worked there as a
psychologist, but a nurse told me that the same job at your research firm paid
more.

I would like to beg you to hire me for any job you have available. I would accept
anything. The things I've told you before weighed too heavily on my chest, so I
wanted to do something for you.

I miss you so much, dad. I hope it's not too late for me.

Warm regards,

Amari

I had the extra sim card I bought earlier attached to my cellphone as my character
reference for VDMH. Kung sakali ngang tumawag siya, ako na mismo ang sasagot noon.
I would use a voice changer and answer all his questions because there was nothing
I didn't know about VDMH.

Kung i-email niya naman ang PAI ay wala rin akong magiging problema dahil may
access ako sa email address noon. I would just tell Ma'am Anne that I would check
the email address because I had lost some files, and I could easily reply and
delete his email afterward. It wasn't right . . . but to hell with right anymore.

And if ever they did an investigation, I wasn't lying. Totoo namang nagtrabaho ako
roon. They could ask anyone to confirm my identity.

Once I was certain that it was him who was responsible for all of these, I would
take him down. I would complete every bit of investigation, even if that meant
kissing his ass and throwing all my successes in the mud.

Hindi ako papayag na hindi siya makulong. Ang pag-aabanduna sa 'kin, ang emosyonal
na pananakit, ang pagmamanipula . . . I could deal with that. I even let him off
the hook.

But if it was him who caused my Leon's pain . . . I would show him the Mendoza he'd
planted deep inside me, and the tears I cried today had already watered its seeds.

Pinikit ko ang mga mata kasabay ng muling pagtulo ng luha ko.

I'm finally facing him head-on, Leon. I'll do the fighting now.

Chapter 38 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 38

Percy Ezekiel Mendoza

You've got some nerve. The last time I checked, you were all over your boy toy. And
what made you think I'd accept you? There was nothing you could offer me but
headaches. Just do your own thing and stop bothering me. You've been doing that for
years.
Also, you worked as a psychologist at VDMH, but you'd take whatever position I
offered you? The salary for psychologists at that company should be big enough for
you to pay off your debts, so what exactly do you want? I don't believe you're just
guilty.

Iyon ang bumungad na email sa akin kinaumagahan. I expected it already. Hindi naman
siya ganoon katanga para agad na payagan ako. But of course, begging was a part of
my scheme. At least, letting him know he had the upper hand would make him assume
he could use me however he wanted.

Dahil ganoong uri ng tao siya. He wanted people to worship him as if he were a god.
He was a conceited and manipulative jerk who could not acknowledge his mistakes.
Kapag nagpakita ako ng takot at pagsunod sa kanya . . . he wouldn't think I had a
trick up my sleeve.

Amari Sloane Mendoza

I am guilty. I've been seeing clients and patients every day, but I can't shake
this heaviness in my chest. I want to work as a psychologist for your firm, not
just for the higher pay but also for this feeling.

Kung sakaling sa ibang posisyon ninyo ako ilagay, ayos lang po sa akin. Kahit mas
maliit ang sweldo. I will just look for a job that I can do part-time to cover my
debts. Basta maalis ko lang po ang bigat sa dibdib ko. I couldn't live longer with
these regrets.

"Nangnang, dito ka ulit tulog mamaya?" tanong ni Gayle na halos kagigising lang
din.

Ngumiti ako. "Gusto mo?"

"Opo, nangnang. Pasok lang ako school tapos play na tayo, ha?"

Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata. "Sure na ba 'yan? Tinulugan mo nga ako kagabi, eh."

Ngumuso siya. "Sabi ni Mimi po, eh. Bawal daw ako makulit kasi po sad po ikaw."

Like a storm's leftover debris, the painful memories of last night poured down on
my head. Kung paanong ang mga tanong sa utak ko ay napalitan ng takot, kung paanong
ang mga sagot na hinahanap ko ay natagpuan lang sa pamamaalam . . . at kung paanong
ang nag-iisang lalaking nagtyaga sa akin ay napagod na rin.

Dumamba sa akin si Gayle at pinugpog ng halik ang pisngi ko.

"Yabyu, nangnang. Pag nag-play po tayo, pahilam ko sa 'yo peybolit ko na

doll . . ." aniya pa.

I forced a smile before pulling her up into my chest. "I love you, Gayle. Na-a-
appreciate ka ni ninang."

"Pishtail mo po ako?"

I chuckled. "Oo . . . kaya tawagin mo na ang mommy mo para mapaliguan ka na niya."

Excited na excited siyang tumalon sa kama. She even swayed her hips and shouted
"Mimi" as she walked out of the room.

Nang mawala siya sa paningin ko ay muli kong sinilip ang cellphone ko. Hindi naman
ako nabigo dahil nakita kong may email na si Mr. Mendoza.

Percy Ezekiel Mendoza

We're not hiring psychologists at the moment. With your poor credentials and
reputation, you could only get into the janitor's wards.

I sighed when I realized that he wasn't going to make things easy for his own
daughter.

Amari Sloane Mendoza

Kahit anong trabaho po.

Percy Ezekiel Mendoza

What a shame.

Amari Sloane Mendoza

I'm really sorry. I wish I could just take back all the words I said before, but I
can't. The only way I can fully express my regret is by making myself available to
you in every manner possible. Kung gusto ninyo po akong maging janitor, ayos lang.
Kayo naman po ang bumuhay sa katawang ito. Just, please. Give me a chance to show
you how sorry I am.

Percy Ezekiel Mendoza

You're just sorry because you need me, and what made you think you're useful? I
can't find a reason to hire you.

Asshole. Kung wala lang akong plano ay puwedeng-puwede ko siyang i-blackmail na

magpapakilala ako sa lahat bilang anak niya sa business partner niyang pamilyado
rin.

I could easily expose them, but I knew they could easily get away with adultery.
They could even kill me if they wanted to. Napakabilis kumitil ng buhay ngayon.
Kaunting bayad lang at puwedeng-puwede nila akong ipatumba. Kaya kung gustuhin kong
magbulok sila sa kulungan, kailangan ko ng mas malalim na rason.

And if the police were on their side, I would never consider going to them for
help.

Amari Sloane Mendoza

If I ever do something that you don't approve of, I will legally change my name to
something other than Mendoza and keep my existence a secret until I die.

Percy Ezekiel Mendoza

But haven't you been doing that? It's been so long that I've completely forgotten
about you.

Hindi na ako nagulat sa nabasa. I expected nothing from him ever since I cut ties
with him. Hindi imposibleng involved sa drugs ang kompanya niya. He was a chemist
and a researcher. He could easily get drugs and narcotics.

I sighed again as I composed another email that I knew would grab his attention.
Amari Sloane Mendoza

Just try me, please? I'm a good employee. Kahit saan n'yo po ako ilagay. I'll help
with brainstorming and planning. I can edit, proofread, and conduct a comparative
study on some of your written work.

I've also written a lot of academic articles, research papers, and journals that
you might be interested in. When I turned in my dissertation to receive my master's
degree, it was commended by a group of experts based in Europe, and it was even
selected for inclusion in a prominent library. You can have them all.

Sa sinabi kong iyon ay natagalan bago siya nag-reply. I grinned to myself because I
knew he was weighing his options. He wanted my ideas even before. Hindi ko alam
kung bakit, pero ulol na ulol siya sa mga top psychology students noon. Gusto pa
nga niyang magtrabaho para sa kanya si Leon.

He knew what I was capable of. Hindi man ako kasingtalino ng lalaki ay kaya kong
makipagsabayan sa kanila.

Kung kinakailangang lumuhod, magmakaawa, at halikan ang sementong dinadaanan niya,

gagawin ko. I needed to get to the bottom of this. I needed him to make up for the
years I'd lost and the tears I'd shed throughout my life.

I wouldn't let Leon's pain be in vain.

Because he was right.

For the branches to stop bearing rotten fruits, I had to pull them out of the
ground . . . I had to uproot myself.

Percy Ezekiel Mendoza

Now we're talking. I'll set the date to meet you. Prepare your proposals.

Napailing na lang ako. With just a little pity playing and clever proposals, I
could sneak into the lion's den without anyone noticing.

Amari Sloane Mendoza

Thank you so much po. This means a lot to me. And I'm really sorry for causing you
trouble before. I would never do anything like that again.

Percy Ezekiel Mendoza

Don't get your hopes up. I'll still hire you as a cleaner if ever, so aside from
pumping the toilet bowl and letting all the dirt out, there was no bigger trouble
you could do.

Sabay-sabay na kaming umalis nina Karsen, Gayle, at Kobe. Ibinaba nila ako sa
apartment dahil kailangan na nilang pumasok sa trabaho. Pinapasama pa ako ni Gayle
sa school niya pero tumawa lang ako at nangakong bibisita na lang ulit.

Nang makarating sa apartment ay wala na si Mill. May pagkain lang sa mesa na alam
kong iniluto niya para sa akin at sa tabi noon ay ang gamot sa sipon.

I ate everything I could to fill the void in my stomach. I felt empty as if

something had gone missing . . . and I knew exactly what it was.

Hindi ko alam kung handa na akong makita ulit si Mr. Mendoza. For years, I thought
I was done with him. Matagal na kaming walang komunikasyon at hindi rin naman
naging maganda ang huli naming pagkikita. Ibang-iba sa pakiramdam noong unang beses
kong nalaman na hinahanap niya ako.

Before, I wanted nothing but to please him. I put on my best dress and practiced my
smile in the mirror so that I would look nice. Excited na excited pa ako noon.
Akala ko ay matutupad na ang mga tahimik na hiling ng batang ako.

But the truth hit me in the face.

Now, I wanted nothing more than to see him taste my wrath.

To: Ms. Lubrica

Good morning, ma'am. Since briefing na lang naman po tayo sa review, baka hindi na
rin po ako maka-attend. I have to work on something right away. Pakibawas na lang
po sa sweldo. Thank you.

Sa totoo lang ay puwede naman akong pumunta pa rin sa university. But thinking
about seeing Leon kind of scared me. He was tired, and seeing me might have been
too much for him.

Klarong-klaro ang sinabi niya sa akin kagabi. I didn't care if he was drunk. That's
what he was thinking, and loving me drained him. Hindi ko naman siya magagawang
sisihin. It wasn't like it was the first time it happened to me.

Buong araw akong nagbasa tungkol sa Mendoza Research Institute, ang

ipinagmamalaking negosyo ng tatay ko.

It was a research and pharmaceutical company working to find breakthrough

treatments for illnesses. It made an important contribution to the research that
eventually led to the creation of vaccines and stem cell therapies for Alzheimer's
disease, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, and Type 1 diabetes.

Affiliated din ang kumpanya sa isa sa mga pinakamalaking mental hospital sa bansa.
Tumutulong kasi sila sa pag-aaral at paggawa ng treatment intervention sa
schizophrenia, post-traumatic stress disorder, neurodevelopmental, eating, at
anxiety disorders.

They had a clean record. Walang kahit na anong anomalya. Still, I couldn't help but
wonder what kind of methods went into these kinds of studies.

May mga psychologists at psychiatrists sila sa kasosyong mental hospital. Mayroon

din silang mga kilalang researchers at scientists. My father was the head of the
pharmaceutical formulation department, and my mother directed the research arm.

What a great team.

Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang magtaka kung bakit sa dami-rami ng pera nila ay sa state
university nag-aaral si Psyche. I mean, there was nothing wrong with it . . . but
Valeen had the means to enroll her to the best university and even hire the most
qualified tutor.

Their history and track record were so perfect that I found it hard to believe.
Hindi ko alam kung dahil may negative connotation sila sa akin o dahil masyado lang
talagang malinis ang trabaho nila.

Ganoon ulit ang ginawa ko sa mga sumunod na araw. I looked into the company, the
alliances, the top researchers, and even its floor plan. Halos hindi ako matulog
kakabasa at kakahanap ng sources para makakita ng kahit isang dumi . . . pero wala.

I guess I really had to plan and see it for myself. Dahil kung walang kahit na
anong makukuha sa secondary sources . . . I had to be the primary source myself.

And the only way to check whether their records were really clean was to inspect
them from within. Taon nang nilalabanan ni Leon ang mga ito pero naibabasura lang
ang petition niya.

So, if facing them head-on wasn't going to work, then I guess stabbing them in the
back would.

"Kikitain ulit kita after 5 days. Ipapasa natin sa lilipatan mo 'yong documents
para makapagsimula ka na agad next school year," sabi ko kay Nathaniel habang
kumakain kami.

"Thank you, ate. Saka ko na sasabihin kay Kuya kapag okay na para wala na siyang
magawa," tawa niya.

Ngumiti ako at ibinagsak ang tingin sa pagkain.

Ang lapit lang ni Leon . . . pero ramdam ko na ang layo namin. Heto at nakakausap
ko ang kapatid niya, pero siya? Imposible na. I would have to satisfy myself with
asking about him to those who were close to him because I couldn't do that on my
own anymore.

"Kumusta siya?" pasimpleng tanong ko.

He chuckled. "Parang hindi kayo iisa ng pinagtatrabahuhan, ah!"

Dahan-dahan akong umiling. "Nag-resign na 'ko. May natanggap kasi akong mas
magandang . . . offer."

"Seryoso ba?"

I looked at him. "Oo. I need it for my career advancement."

Lumabi siya. "Akala ko tutulungan mo si Kuya sa kaso?"

"Eh, 'di ba, sabi mo 'wag na akong mangialam?" pagbibiro ko. "Saka hindi naman
nabanggit sa akin ni Leon 'yan. Sigurado akong ayaw niyang makisawsaw pa 'ko."

"Sabagay," he agreed. "Losing case na rin 'yon. Hirap matalo ng may pera, eh. Kahit
anong ilapag na ebidensya . . . kaya nilang bayaran." Napailing siya. "Narinig pa
namin na usap-usapan ng mga pulis na gusto lang naming humuthot ng pera sa mga
Mendoza."

I gritted my teeth as anger stirred in my heart. Alam kong nababayaran ang hustisya
sa Pilipinas kaya karamihan sa mga nakabilanggo ay ang mga mahihirap na walang
laban, pero ang marinig na miski ang inatasan ng lipunan na magprotekta sa mga tao
ay tuta ng mga makakapangyarihan at mayayaman . . . hindi ko na alam.

"Pero, hindi naman lahat ng pulis, ate. May mga ilan din na naniniwala . . . pero
'yun nga, walang ginagawa."

"Hindi lahat," I echoed, chuckling sarcastically. "Pero wala dapat."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Huh?"

"Wala dapat gano'ng pulis, Nathaniel. Kaunti o marami . . . hindi dapat sila
gano'n." I sighed. "But it's impossible to remove the evil. It's impossible to
uproot the system."

"Ewan ko na, ate. Nakakapagod sila." Ngumiti siya. "Gusto ko na lang pagbayaran ng
mga Mendoza lahat. Sila ang isa sa pinakamayamang drug lords sa bansa.
Nakakalungkot kapag marami pa silang naakit na gumamit din. Mahirap kasing maadik .
. . mahirap mag-rehab."

I had never hated being a Mendoza more than I did now. Hiyang-hiya ako na ang dugo
nila ang nananalaytay sa ugat ko.

"Kapag nakapagpasa na tayo ng requirements mo, bawal na tayong magkita, Nathaniel,"

saad ko.

Namilog ang mga mata niya. "Huh? Bakit naman, ate?"

I needed to be careful. Hindi puwedeng malaman ni Mr. Mendoza ang kaugnayan ko sa

kambal. If I were to work for him, I needed to be as clean as their records now.

"Basta . . . you can't contact me anymore, okay?"

Dumaan ang lungkot sa mukha niya. "Bakit? May nagawa ba 'ko?"

I thought about the best reason I could come up with. Kapag sinabi ko sa kanyang
magtatrabaho ako para sa mga Mendoza ay may posibilidad na pigilan niya pa
ako . . . and I couldn't let that happen. This was my last shot at showing Leon
that our real rival was my father . . . my biological family.

"Kailangan kong mag-move on kay Leon," nangingiting sabi ko. "At kapag nakikita
kita, naaalala ko lang siya."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Ba't ka magmo-move on? Mahal ka rin naman ni Kuya . . ."

I know. I know that so well. He loved me so deeply that he lost himself to prove
it.

Umiling ako. "Hindi kami para sa isa't isa. May mas maayos na babae para sa Kuya
mo. Tapos ako . . . may iba pang plano. Basta, hindi laging sapat ang pagmamahal
lang, Nathaniel. Leon and I had failed in so many ways that our relationship could
only be fixed by separation."

Tahimik siya hanggang sa nagkapaalamanan kami. Dumiretso ako sa apartment at muling

nagsaliksik tungkol sa kumpanya. I also made the proposals and academic articles. I
even changed some of them to fit Mr. Mendoza's interests.

Karamihan sa mga iyon ay mga theory pa lang na puwede niyang i-practice. Medical
advances, new diagnostic methods, therapeutic procedures . . . lahat ng posibleng
i-conduct ay inilagay ko sa proposal.

I provided every bit of knowledge I had about medicine, psychology, and therapies.
Kailangan ko siyang pabilibin. Mabuti na lang at hindi ako tumigil sa pag-aaral. I
was updated on the most recent findings, which I could now improve and adapt based
on my own expertise.

Percy Ezekiel Mendoza

Be a minute late, and you will never have the chance to step into my firm.
I heaved a sigh as I put on my makeup. Naglagay ako ng manipis na waterproof black
eyeshadow sa ilalim ng mata ko para magmukha iyong eyebags. I also gave myself
subtle age lines, contact lenses that made my eyes look tired, and anything else I
could think of to make it look like I was under a lot of stress.

Ngayong gabi kami magkikita. I had already bought, practiced, and prepared
everything I needed. Wala pa man ay paulit-ulit ko nang pinaalalahanan ang sarili
na huwag magpapadala sa emosyon. Kailangan ko siyang mapaniwala na sunod-sunuran
ako sa mga sasabihin at gagawin niya.

I listed down all the possible questions he might ask. Kilalang-kilala ko na siya.
He would certainly ask about Leon, so I prepared an answer for that. Sigurado akong
hindi lingid sa kaalaman niya ang ginagawa ng lalaki kaya kailangan kong mag-ingat.
I needed to make it sound like I was over him.

I still wore designer clothes. Sinabi ko sa email ko sa kanya na naging hilig ko

ang pamimili ng mga ganitong bagay kaya ayoko namang magtaka siya sa itsura ko.
Also, I made it look like I covered my fake age spots with makeup. Ni hindi ko nga
inaasahan na magagamit ko sa ganitong bagay ang dati ay part-time job ko lang.

Nang makarating ako sa hotel kung saan kami magkikita ay tahimik lang akong
naghintay. I was scared, but the strongest emotion I had was anger. Nakakatak pa
rin sa utak ko kung paanong nag-offer siya ng trabaho kay Leon. Miski ang mga pagod
na ininda ko para makapagbayad ng renta sa kanya ay malayang naglaro sa isip.

I hated him to the core. Sila ni Valeen. They were the root of all my trauma.

I stood up straight when I saw him step into the room, looking proud and high. Nag-
alab ang poot sa dibdib ko nang makitang maayos na maayos pa rin ang lagay niya.
With only a few wrinkles, he still looked like a respectable human being.

Mind over matter, Amari. You practiced this.

I was about to wave at him when I noticed a woman walking behind him. Umawang ang
labi ko at naibaba ko ang kamay sa gulat nang makilala iyon, pero nang lumingon
sila sa direksyon ko pinilit kong huwag magpakita ng kahit na anong emosyon.

My hands were getting sweaty as they got closer. Hindi naabot ng hinagap ko na
makakasama niya iyon. The woman was dressed in a burgundy silk dress and silver
stilettos, making her look taller than she already was.

I put in a lot of work to make sure I didn't get angry in front of my dad, but I
didn't practice doing that with Psyche.

Tumayo ako nang makalapit sila, pilit na isinasantabi ang mga agam-agam.

"Good evening, Mr. Mendoza," I said with such gentleness that I almost believed
myself.

Ipinaghigit ng lalaki si Psyche ng upuan at nagpasalamat naman ang huli rito. My

father gestured me off without a proper greeting, so I sat down. Hindi ko inalis
ang maliit na ngiti sa labi kahit na nagngingitngit ang galit sa dibdib ko.

I was done with them. I was sure of it. Ever since I lost contact with my father,
I've never wanted to get back in touch with any of them. Miski ang marinig ang
pangalan nila ay hindi ko inaasahang maririnig ko pa. Our worlds were so different
that I thought it was impossible that they would ever collide . . . but I was
wrong.
Because here I am, sitting next to these two people who sparked my nightmares.

"This is Psyche, my secretary," pagpapakilala ni Mr. Mendoza. "I'm sure you know
her. You went to the same school."

I gave her a friendly smile. Yes, I know her . . . but not for that petty reason.

"Good evening, Psyche," I said softly. "I'm Mari."

Tumaas ang isang sulok ng labi niya, para bang natatawa sa akin. I wasn't sure why,
but I still held a welcoming smile on my face.

"You're Leon's ex-girlfriend."

Kasabay ng mahinang pagtawa ni Mr. Mendoza ay ang pagkokontrol ko ng gulat at inis

sa babae. She sure knew how to make me mad, but if her goal was to see me lose my
cool, she picked on the wrong girl. Hindi siya o si Mr. Mendoza ang makakagulo sa
plano ko.

Of course, she knew who I was. She obviously liked Leon before. Isa pa, she
purposely lied to me that Leon proposed to her . . . and that he liked kissing her
when she had her red lipstick on.

Ambisyosa.

I chuckled. I was over Leon. They needed to believe that.

"Well . . . we all make mistakes, right?"

Mr. Mendoza laughed again, and he looked like he was having fun. Parang tanga lang.
Ano'ng nakakatawa sa pagiging ex-girlfriend ako ni Leon? Eh, mas nakakatawa ngang
hindi niya alam na ang magaling sekretarya ay may tinatawagan kapag gabi.

"Psyche, you're doing your job properly. What else did you find about this girl?"
he asked.

Ngumisi ang babae. "She was here for her friend's wedding, but instead of going
back to Italy, she stayed and worked at VDMH, where her ex-boyfriend was."

I tried my hardest not to roll my eyes.

Looks like someone has been keeping tabs on me. Hindi ko naman alam na may interes
pala siya sa buhay ko. If she did, why the hell did she call Leon while we were
together? She also had the guts to call him in Italy when she knew he was dating
me. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya kumukuha ng lakas ng loob para gawin iyon . . .
and did Leon even know that she was working with Mr. Mendoza? She was twisted for
all I care.

"Hindi ko alam na doon nagtatrabaho si Leon," saad ko bago pa makakuha ng maling

impresyon sa akin si Mr. Mendoza. "As you've said, mag-ex na kami. There's no
reason for us to talk to each other. Kung may ex-boyfriend ka, maiintindihan mo
'yon. You know better than to pry into their whereabouts . . . lalo kung may
girlfriend na."

Lalong lumawak ang ngisi niya. Kung naiisip niyang pinariringgan ko siya . . .
hindi siya nagkakamali.

She shrugged. "Well, Mr. Mendoza told me that you had lots of debts. Can we look at
your bank statements?"
"Sure," I said calmly as I handed her my forged bank details.

Inisa-isa niyang tingnan iyon at pinanood lang siya ni Mr. Mendoza. I thought he
would do all the talking, but he seemed more like Psyche's secretary than Psyche
herself.

Nakahinga ako nang malalim nang ibaba ng babae ang ibinigay kong dokumento dahil
lumapit ang isang sever sa amin. Ang mga kamay kong nasa ilalim ng mesa ay
nakasarado na dahil sa pagpipigil ng inis. I wasn't expecting such a heated start.
Hindi ko naman kasi alam na kasama pala ng tarantado kong tatay ang babaeng 'to.

Mr. Mendoza clicked his tongue. "Let's cut this and get down to business. Where's
your proposal?"

I almost thanked the heavens for that. My proposal was my best chance to get his
attention and remind him that I was still the daughter he wanted to work for him
before. Ito ang ipinunta ko . . . hindi ang pagna-narrate ng love story namin ni
Leon.

Psyche cleared her throat, making me almost roll my eyes. Ano na naman ba?!

"Sir, we have to be careful about who we let into the firm because there are people
who keep sending malicious complaints to the authorities hoping to bring you down."

I pulled the folder out of my bag and laid it on the table. Ayoko siyang pansinin
dahil hindi naman siya ang pakay ko. Isa pa, ayokong mahalata niyang may alam ako
sa mga sinasabi niya.

"Nand'yan po lahat. I can present it to you in more detail if you want," saad ko
pa.

Nakita ko ang pag-iling ni Mr. Mendoza sa babae.

"Chill. I got this. She's just Amari."

I never thought that my self-control was this reliable. If I was in my usual frame
of mind, I would have flipped the table and hollered insults at him that I would
never regret.

I was just Amari? Just? If given the same privilege, I could have surpassed your
achievements!

Hindi pa rin talaga siya nagbabago. He still considered himself superior to anyone
below him.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung saan nagmula ang galit nila sa akin ni Valeen gayong
sila ang may kasalanan sa akin. But then, I wouldn't spend my life trying to look
for answers. Dahil kung ayaw nila sa akin, hindi na ako para magpumilit pa. The
young Amari who dreamed about being with them was long dead.

Binuksan ni Mr. Mendoza ang folder at tahimik lang akong pinanood siya. I could
sense Psyche's watchful gaze upon me as the waiter set down our plates. Hindi ko
alam kung paano ko nagagawang pakalmahin ang sarili lalo at ang dalawa sa mga
pinakakinasusuklaman ko ay nasa harap ko lang.

I chuckled inwardly. I guess I must love Leon a lot to be able to bear the pain and
fury now.
"Hepatitis C drugs in PTSD?" kunot-noong tanong ni Mr. Mendoza.

I grinned to myself. Finally, my most-awaited moment. Alam kong hindi imposibleng

may magustuhan siya sa mga journals na nakapaloob sa ipinasa ko. I memorized and
studied them all from beginning to end in case he had any questions about them.

I lifted my chin to show my confidence.

"Yes, Mr. Mendoza. Among the direct-acting antivirals most often prescribed in the
military veterans, the mixture of glecaprevir and pibrentasvir, na Hepatitis C
drugs, ay may great link sa PTSD symptom improvement."

Ibinaba niya ang papel at tuluyang tumingin sa akin. The gesture made me feel good
because I knew I finally had his undivided attention . . . exactly how I had
envisioned it.

"Maraming tao ang may PTSD, pero limited lang ang drug development para d'yan. Kung
may treatment man, usually ay therapies . . . and well, it's time consuming. Kaya
marami ring sumusuko along the way," I explained.

I could see that he was listening intently, so I continued.

"The study was conducted by researchers at Boston University School of Public

Health, and the initial findings were published in the scientific journal,
Biological Psychiatry. Inaaral pa rin nila hanggang ngayon, pero nakatanggap na
sila ng funding from Department of Defense."

Tumango-tango siya. "So, what do you suggest?"

"Try it yourself? Check its validity?" Nagkibit-balikat ako. "You've been

developing drugs for decades. Madali lang po 'yan sa inyo."

"And then, what? Claim that the idea was ours?" Umiling siya. "We can't do that."

He was challenging me. I was sure of that.

I chuckled. "Cultural diversity. Americans ang researchers at Americans ang

magiging target scope nila, or at least, priority."

Inilapit ko ang katawan sa mesa para ipakita sa kanya na interesado ako sa topic.

"And well, psychologically speaking, cultural values influence one's mental

functioning, so saying that you have different target scopes, such as Filipinos or
Asians, is something that can be deemed relevant," saad ko pa.

I caught a look of approval on his face. Way to go, Amari!

I smiled. "Pero, hindi pa rin puwedeng sabihing original siya. It can be a

replication study, and who knows? Baka maging effective . . . o kung hindi nila
priority 'yan, mauuna ka. Just cite them in the paper, if ever. Also, you can use
multicultural approaches to prove that, unlike them, whose focus was on veterans."

Halos palakpakan ko ang sarili nang makita ang pagngiti niya. If not for Psyche, I
knew I could easily hook his interests. Sinadya ko kasing ikonekta ang mga proposal
sa nabasa kong current focus ng research firm nila.

Napabuga ako nang hangin nang ibaba muli ng lalaki ang mata sa mga papel. He read
quietly, and I just waited for him to have another focal interest.
"How about this one? Diagnostic wearables that can reveal hidden health problems,"
he sounded like he was challenging me.

Tahimik lang si Psyche sa tabi niya habang pinapanood kami. Tumikhim muna ako bago
nagsimulang magpaliwanag. Don't you dare interfere!

"Look around you," I said. "Almost everyone has their own watches, jewelry, and
such. Kung made-detect ng isinusuot nila ang atrial fibrillation and let them know
if their heartbeat is a little off . . . it can be a good invention. These
wearables could come with an ECG and a range of sensors to measure things like
blood pressure, temperature, stress, and more."

"That's hard," he said.

I shrugged. "But conducive . . . and innovative."

"I agree."

Kita ko ang pagtaas ng sulok ng labi ni Psyche pero wala na akong panahon para
kainisan pa siya. I wanted Mr. Mendoza to decide based on what I could do and what
I was good at instead of digging into my past.

Nalinis ko naman na ang record ko . . . and the fact that he claimed I was too weak
to present much of a challenge made it more likely that he'd accept me.

"Mayroon din po d'yang stem cell model . . ." sabi ko. "Page 102."

He flipped through the pages.

"It has the potential to help us understand the biological causes of

neuropsychiatric disorders, gaya ng autism and schizophrenia. I know that your firm
has first-hand experience with stem cells, which is helpful," I said, boosting his
ego.

Mukha namang success iyon dahil nahuli ko ang mahinang pagtawa niya. "It's MRI's
pride."

"It is, Mr. Mendoza." Ngumiti ako. "Kadalasan sa mga researchers at scientists, ang
nagagamit lang ay inactive neurons mula sa brain sample ng mga taong namatay na.
So, sometimes, they overlooked enhancers that function only when induced."

Ramdam ko ang mabigat na tingin sa akin ni Psyche. Para bang binabasa at sinusuri
niya ang nasa isip ko.

"This strategy is used to model cis-regulatory features in pluripotent stem cells

from human neurons. Sa pamamaraang 'yan, puwede nating ma-replicate ang neurons sa
utak ng tao na vulnerable sa mga neuropsychiatric disorders. With this model, the
disorders could be detected long before they manifest in patients, allowing for
their onset to be postponed or . . . even prevented," I continued as I grinned.
"It's a major advancement, isn't it?"

Isinarado ni Mr. Mendoza ang folder at pinakatitigan ako. I smiled as sweetly as I

could handle and bowed a little to show my total submission. Body language. Good
thing I learned about it.

"You were a smart kid," he stated. "Bakit nga ulit kailangan mo ng trabaho? You can
propose this to research firms and get millions."

Mas binabaan ko ang pagyuko.

"Sinabi ko naman po sa inyo . . . I bought too many luxurious items. Naibenta ko
naman po ang iba pero marami pa rin akong utang sa bangko." I sighed and made it
look like I was really regretful. "Isa pa, hindi ko po nagustuhan ang naging ugali
ko sa inyo. And to be honest, I still feel bad about how cocky I was back then."

That was . . . disgusting. I'd never felt prouder of myself than when I told him
and Valeen to fuck off years ago.

"It was obvious. You look terrible. To think na isang taon lang naman ang tanda mo
kay Psyche." Tumawa siya. "Malabo namang patulan ka ng ex-boyfriend mo ulit . . . o
ng mga lalaking ka-edad mo. If you were seen with an older man, people could easily
think you were his wife."

Empty insults. I look terrible? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree,
right?

Tumikhim si Psyche. "Sir, kailangan pa rin po nating mag-ingat. She was affiliated
with Mr. Zamora."

Napatawa lang ang lalaki. "Come on, Psyche, look at her. She lost her youth. She
was even willing to work as a cleaner. 'Wag kang masyadong nag-aalala. I know her.
She looked intimidating because she was smart . . . but she follows orders. Isang
sabi ko lang d'yan, susunod 'yan sa 'kin."

He was talking as if I wasn't there. I hadn't eaten a thing yet, but I was already
full of their nonsense.

"She was scared of me. I could see it in her eyes before . . . at nandoon pa rin
ang takot hanggang ngayon," aniya pa. "She's gonna be useful."

Lihim akong napangiti. Good . . . I like where this is going. Tanga yata talaga ang
lalaking 'to. He was so easy to fool.

"If that's what you want, sir," saad naman ni Psyche.

"Ikaw ba? What do you think?"

Umarko ang kilay ko nang marinig iyon. Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Psyche,
naghihintay sa puwede niyang sabihin. If my father would base on her opinion, then
my application might not get through!

"Malinis po ang record niya, sir."

I tried hard not to gasp. Wow. Did I fool her, too?

"The bank statements look like they are authentic, and I checked that she did work
for the companies on her resume."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa harap ko nila ito pinag-uusapan. As someone who once
worked in human resources, this wasn't ethical. Kung may nag-a-apply ng trabaho,
hindi dapat ganito ang approach nila.

Pero ano pa nga bang aasahan ko? He was a chemist, and Psyche was a secretary. They
knew nothing about human resources.

"She's clean," Psyche concluded.

"Then, we'll have no problem," ani Mr. Mendoza. "Make her sign a contract for
cleaners or whatever. I'll wait for you in the car."

Hindi pa ako nakakapag-react ay tumayo na ito at walang lingong naglakad paalis.

Bitbit niya ang folder ko at mukhang naroon ang interes niya. Like me, he didn't
bother eating his meal. Parang inorder lang para may masabing may order siya.

My lips almost broke into a grin, but I stopped myself. I gave that idiot too much
credit. Madali lang naman pala siyang mapapayag.

Tahimik lang kami ni Psyche. There was an obvious tension between us, but I
couldn't care less.

As I've said, hindi siya ang pakay ko. Hindi rin ako para magpasalamat sa sinabi
niya kay Mr. Mendoza. I worked hard to make sure my records matched what I said,
and I even edited the fake bank statements to be the most legit-looking they could
possibly be.

Ibinigay niya sa akin ang kontrata at walang imik ko iyong binasa. It was a
standard contract for a cleaner, and I'd be working the night shift. Puwede na agad
akong mag-start next week. With all the ideas I proposed . . . talagang hindi
pumayag si Mr. Mendoza na pagtrabahuhin ako kahit man lang bilang psychologist.

But well, I'm already prepared for the worst.

"What's your plan, Mari?" diretsong tanong ni Psyche.

I signed the contract before answering. "What do you mean?"

Her lips curved in a smirk, and I found myself wishing I could put off my plans
until I could get rid of that expression.

"You're not dumb. You sure know what I mean."

Sumandal ako sa upuan. Would she blackmail me? May hawak din naman ako sa kanya.
She was either working for Leon or Mr. Mendoza. May plano rin siya.

"I don't," I replied.

"Nakakausap mo pa si Leon," aniya. "And you know I'm in touch with him as well."

Sinubukan kong huwag magpakita ng kahit na anong emosyon sa sinabi niya. Ang lakas
talaga ng loob niya.

"So?" I asked.

She scoffed. "Leon has been sending petitions to rave the firm. Are you working for
him?"

I shook my head. I was working because of him . . . there was a difference.

"Hindi ako interesado," saad ko pa. "Kaya ikaw, kung nakikipagsosyo ka sa kanya,
wala akong pakialam. I just want to work peacefully."

Matagal siyang natahimik. I waited for her to say something, but nearly three
minutes passed and nothing happened. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin, para bang
tinitimbang ang mga dapat sabihin.

I rolled my eyes and slid the contract toward her.

"Mr. Mendoza is waiting for you. I got to go."

I stood up, but as I was about to leave, she said something my mind couldn't
process right away.

"I'm working with Leon."

Halos mapasinghap ako kahit na isa naman 'yon sa mga posibleng rason na nasa isip
ko. I stopped dead in my tracks right away. Nakatayo ako sa gilid niya pero hindi
ko siya magawang lingunin. She sounded so much like she wanted to manipulate me
earlier! She sounded like a goody-goody secretary!

"We've been searching for evidence to put Mr. Mendoza in jail, but after working
under him for almost five months, I knew nothing but his schedule," she muttered.

My thoughts were all over the place. That clearly explained why she called Leon in
the middle of the night.

"That has nothing to do with me," I managed to say. "Just don't tell Leon I'll be
working at the firm. Tapos na kami."

She chuckled. "Look, I don't care about your relationship with him, but this isn't
your playground, Mari. Wala akong ibang gusto kung hindi ang maikulong silang
dalawa ni Valeen."

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. Her mother?

"I can see that you're playing the same cards as me. You act as if you don't find
Mr. Mendoza disgusting."

"I'm not acting," I insisted.

"Only that old hag will believe that." She laughed softly. "Mukha lang matalino
'yon, but he's actually gullible. I can see that you have a slight advantage over
me. You can use your brain to find out more about the company. You talked so much
like those scientists."

Hindi ako nakasagot agad. The words she said were clear, and I didn't know why, but
part of me wanted to . . . believe her. Maybe because she was still in contact with
Leon . . . and I knew Leon wouldn't put his faith in her if she was caught lying.

"Mr. Mendoza trusts me, but he's never shown me the same interest he's showing you
now."

Huminga ako nang malalim. I needed to collect myself.

"Bakit mo sinasabi sa 'kin 'yan?" tanong ko.

She sighed. "Work with me. I'll build up your reputation with Mr. Mendoza while you
gather your ideas to present to him."

I clenched my fist. I'm not sure if I was doing it right or if it was a good idea.
Ayoko sa kanya. Umpisa pa lang, kaagaw ko na siya sa lahat. And no, it wasn't her
fault . . . but the thought of working with her never struck me.

I gritted my teeth. "I'm a cleaner, Psyche . . ."

"Endure it for a month. Hindi ko puwedeng sabihin agad na papasok ka sa research

department, 'di ba? I'll suggest it slowly . . . I'm sure he'll ask more about you
later."

Hindi ako makasagot. It was so tempting.

"We don't have the relationship you thought we had," she said all of a sudden.
"We're not sisters."

Agad na naputol ang naiisip ko. Siguradong namimilog ang mga mata ko nang bumaling
ako sa kanya.

"What?" I almost gasped.

Umiling siya. "I'm not Valeen's biological daughter, and if anyone shares your
hatred for her, it's me." She clenched her jaw. "Work with me, Mari. Leon can't do
anything outside the firm . . . and I need your help."

Tumayo siya at inilapag ang isang maliit na card sa mesa.

"If you're interested, just call me."

She walked by me, and I just stood there, trying to figure out what had just
happened. Nang makabawi ay kinuha ko ang card niya at isinilid iyon sa bag ko. I
called a cab to drive me home, but my thoughts were still scattered. Hanggang sa
makarating ako sa apartment ay tulala lang ako. Iniisip ko ang rason kung bakit
galit si Psyche sa kanila . . . at alam kong ang tanging paraan lang para masagot
ang tanong ko ay ang diretsong pakikipag-usap sa kanya.

I got ready for bed even though my temples were already hurting from too much
thinking. Pipikit na sana ako nang marinig ko ang pagri-ring ng cellphone ko.

I looked at it and saw Shaira's name on the screen. Agad ko namang sinagot iyon.

"Hel—"

"Tell her she has no right to mess with my things!"

My heart skipped a beat when I heard Leon's voice.

"Call her, Shai! Tell her I haven't been thinking about her! Tell her I was mad
because she took the photo!"

"Leon, halika na. Lasing ka na." It was Thaddeus.

Rinig ko ang mabibigat na paghinga ni Leon. He was panting.

"Do'n ka magwala sa apartment nila! Magpapadede pa ako ng anak, Leon!"

"Shai . . ." suway ni Thaddeus.

There was a long pause after that.

"I don't miss Amari," Leon whispered weakly. "I don't miss her at all."

That was the last thing I heard before the call ended. Ni hindi ko man lang
namalayang namumuo na ang luha sa mata ko.

I closed my eyes, and the words to an old poem came to me. The images of Mr.
Mendoza and Psyche faded into the background, and what took their place was
something that would remain imprinted in my heart for the rest of my life.
When the time is right, I'll knock on your door and ask for my place again.

When the time is right, I'll stand in the silence next to you to soothe the pain.

When the time is right, I won't have to hold myself restrained.

When the time is right, you'll still find me waiting for you in the lane.

Rest now, L.

Until the time is right, my feelings for you will remain.

Chapter 39 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 39

In the following days, I continued digging deeper into Mr. Mendoza's research firm.
Ganoon din sa pag-aaral ng mga makabagong medical technology at psychological
discoveries. It was the best strategy to get his attention and approval. He wanted
my knowledge? Then he could use it for all I care.

Hindi nawala sa isip ko ang sinasabi ni Psyche pero ayokong magtiwala agad sa
kanya. Good thing I didn't act on impulse. Baka mamaya ay sinusubukan niya lang ang
loyalty ko sa matanda.

But then, I couldn't brush off the possibility that she was indeed working with
Leon. Wala naman kasing ibang dahilan para mag-usap pa sila. Not unless Leon liked
her . . . which I doubt.

Ako lang ang mahal ni Leon, well, at least, for now.

"Sorry, medyo nagtagal 'yong process ng transcripts mo," I told Nathaniel. "Ilang
araw din palang busy ang accounting at student affairs dahil nag-aasikaso na ng
clearance ang mga estudyante."

"Ayos lang, ate. Hindi mo naman kasalanan 'yon. Ako na nga 'tong nagpapatulong."
Tumawa siya. "Saka, medyo busy rin sa tindahan. Maraming nire-request ang mga suki
namin na meryenda. Nag-aaral kami ni Nash gumawa ng mga kakanin. Eh, ayun . . .
medyo mahirap pala."

It sparked something in me.

"Tulungan ko kayo?"

Napakurap ako nang agad na mapagtantong hindi na pala puwede 'yon. I had to be
careful . . . and it was obvious that Leon didn't want to see me. Kailangan kong
putulin ang kahit na anong ugnayan namin. Ayoko namang dumating sa puntong miski
ang presensya ko ay kainisan niya na.

"I mean . . . meron namang recipe and procedures sa internet," bawi ko.

Ngumiti lang siya at yumuko. Nagbuntong-hininga ako bago pinasadahan ng tingin ang
mga dumadaang estudyante sa harap namin.
We were sitting on a bench outside the registrar's office because we had just filed
his application and were getting ready to enroll. Pagkatapos nito, kaya niya nang
asikasuhin ang pagpapasa ng requirements nang mag-isa. May mga to-follow pa rin
kasing minor documents.

"Ate . . ." tawag niya.

"Hmm?"

Huminga siya nang malalim, para bang mayroong malaking tinik sa dibdib niya. Hindi
siya nagsalita agad kaya binalingan ko siya.

"Ano 'yon?" tanong ko. "May problema ba?"

Tumingin siya sa akin at bahagyang pinagsalubong ang mga kilay.

"Wala na ba talaga kayo ni . . . Kuya?"

Umawang ang labi ko sa tanong niya. I bowed my head and looked down at my hands,
hoping he wouldn't see my reaction.

"Bakit ba lagi mo na lang bini-bring up si Leon?" I joked. "Sabing nagmo-move on,

eh." Tumawa pa ako.

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga niya.

"Sayang kasi. Pinag-uusapan namin ni Nash . . ." he said softly. "Ikaw sana ang
gusto naming mapangasawa ni Kuya."

My heart clenched with pain and a bit of happiness. Pain because it was almost
impossible and happiness because I was considered.

"No'ng umuwi si Kuya rito, tinanong ka namin sa kanya. Tapos sabi niya lang, wala
na kayo . . . at 'wag na namin kayong problemahin," aniya pa. "Hindi ka na niya
ulit nabanggit. Kahit no'ng nakalaya kami. Alam ko lang na mahal ka pa niya no'ng
nakita ko 'yong picture n'yo sa treehouse."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya at marahang ngumiti.

"Nakita ko rin 'yon . . ." saad ko. "Ewan ko ba sa kapatid mo. Ang dami ko nang
nasabi at nagawang hindi maganda sa kanya pero minahal niya pa rin ako." I lifted
my hand and pat his head gently, imitating the way Leon used to calm me. "He loved
me in the same manner he loved you. He overlooked my shortcomings and
mistakes . . . kaya maging mabait kayo sa kanya. 'Wag n'yo na akong gayahin, okay?"

He bit his lower lip and nodded. Dahan-dahan kong ibinalik ang kamay sa hita ko
bago muling humarap sa opisina ng registrar.

"Nathaniel, maniwala ka sa 'kin . . . hindi ako ang pinaka-deserving para kay Leon.
Alam ko na 'yon noon pa. College pa lang kami."

Mapait akong ngumiti. I was always too broken for him. My sharp edges always ended
up giving him wounds.

"Kung ako lang ang magdedesisyon, gusto kong siya rin ang mapangasawa ko. Gusto
kong balikan 'yong dating kami . . . kahit walang pera, kahit wala pang
nararating . . . at least, magkasama kami," pagpapatuloy ko. "Pero tuwing
sinusubukan namin, laging mali. Laging may hadlang. Laging may nangyayari. Parang
gumagawa talaga ng dahilan ang tadhana para ipaalala sa amin na hindi kami puwede."
I wasn't sure how long I would love Leon or if there would come a day when I could
move on. Sa ngayon kasi, ayoko pa. I wanted to nurture my love for him because I
had denied it to myself for years.

Or maybe, I really did unlearn how to love him — I just relearned it.

"Pasensya na, ate. Lagi ko na lang ipinipilit kayo ni Kuya," sabi ni Nathaniel.
"Narinig ko lang kasi siya kagabi kaya hindi na nawala sa isip ko."

I pursed my lips. "Ano'ng narinig mo?"

He exhaled. "Sinabi niya kay Kuya Thaddeus na magsisimula na raw siyang mag-meet ng
ibang babae . . ."

My fingers slowly pulled on my hand, squeezing my clothes together. I forced a

smile on my face and tried my best not to get hurt.

"T-Talaga?" I gulped the lump in my throat. "May sinabi kung . . . sino?"

Naninikip ang dibdib ko. I felt so dead these days that I thought nothing could
hurt me anymore. Akala ko, immune na ako . . . pero iba nga pala ako kapag si Leon
na.

"Wala, pero na-realize ko lang na tapos na talaga," he said that made my heart
bleed even more. "Kaya, ate . . . salamat, ha? Kasi ipinaranas mo kay Kuya kung
paano magmahal at paano mahalin. Sabi mo, ito na 'yong huling beses na puwede
tayong magkita. Kahit mabilis lang, salamat kasi naalala ko si Nanay sa 'yo.
Maasikaso rin kasi 'yon, eh . . . Kung buhay siya, hindi kita aabalahin."

Naramdaman ko ang paglingon niya sa akin.

"Mag-aaral ako nang mabuti, ate. At sana dumating 'yong araw na totoong masaya ka
na."

That was the last thing he told me. Sinubukan kong umaktong hindi nasaktan sa
sinabi niya . . . pero alam ko sa loob ko na may malaking parte sa akin ang
tuluyang gumuho na.

In the end, I cried myself to sleep, scared of the possibility that Leon would come
to love someone deeper and stronger than he loved me. He was ready to start a new
life without me . . . and I couldn't lie to myself that it was okay . . . but I
knew it should be.

"Ito 'yong mga gagamitin mo," saad sa akin ng head cleaner. "Dito ka naka-assign sa
first floor. Linisin mong mabuti ang cubicles, 'yong lobby, at saka 'yong pantry.
Kapag may kailangan ka, nasa fourth floor lang ako."

Tumango lang ako. "Salamat po."

Unang araw ko sa Mendoza Research Institute ay itinutok ko ang atensyon sa

pagtatrabaho. 'Yong sama ng loob at bigat ng dibdib ay itinuon ko na lang sa
orihinal na plano. I didn't call Psyche even though she gave me her number because
I didn't want to mess things up. Hindi ako puwedeng magtiwala na lang sa kanya. I
couldn't find a reason to do so.

I put my hair in a messy bun before I started cleaning. Inuna ko ang lobby.
Carpeted ang buong sahig kaya medyo nahirapan ako. Mas mabilis kasing linisin ito
kung may vacuum cleaner.
The head cleaner showed me around the building earlier. Kahit hindi naman na
kailangan iyon dahil saulo ko ang buong floor plan. I acted dumb and submissive.
Marami kami, at napansin kong kadalasan sa mga naglilinis ay matatanda na . . . mga
senior citizen. It bothered me a little because the company could have given them a
different schedule. Hindi 'yong ganitong hatinggabi na.

Wala pa akong gagawin ngayon. The first floor was mostly the reception area and the
employees' workspaces. Wala rito ang gusto kong malaman. I had to be at the lab or
at least a few floors up.

The entire building was quiet. Nakakabingi. Bukod sa mga security guard at cleaner
ay wala namang nagtatrabaho nang ganitong oras dito. Dahil matatanda rin ang mga
kasama ko, hindi ko magawang makipag-usap . . . o magtanong-tanong. They seemed
closed off and aloof.

I looked around the whole lobby and saw a magazine lurking under the center table.
Mayroong mga CCTV sa paligid kaya hindi rin ako basta-bastang kumilos na lang. I
needed to act like I was really cleaning.

Dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa center table at pinunasan ang salamin noon. After
that, I wiped its feet and quietly lifted the magazine.

Halos mapairap ako nang makita ang mukha ng tatay ko roon. I got up and went to the
magazine rack to put it back. Napansin kong maraming series iyon kaya lalo akong
napasimangot.

Many print publications, including interview magazines, had focused on him, but
these articles were hard to come by on the internet.

Sa tagal kong nag-research, hindi ko naman alam na nausuhan pala ng mga ganitong
bagay ang matandang 'yon. I just learned everything about him through the
headlines, his firm's breakthroughs, and his accomplishments. Bukod pa roon ay ang
ilang taon niyang pagpapanggap na may pakialam siya sa akin kahit na ang totoo
naman ay gusto niya lang akong gamitin. Pero itong interview sa isang magazine?
Never heard of.

I opened the magazine to the page containing his interview and read a couple of his
statements.

"The mission of the Mendoza Research Institute is to find treatments for diseases
once considered incurable and to implement interventions that improve the quality
of life for those who suffer from them. We accomplished a lot just by risking a
drop in the ocean."

"Kaplastikan . . ." bulong ko sa sarili.

It was funny because if I only knew him through the media, I could've been a fan, a
supporter. Kung hindi ko alam kung gaano kasama ang ugali niya, baka isa ako sa
libo-libong humahanga sa kanya. He really did look like a genius who cared about
the well-being of others.

It shook my faith in the majority of media personalities. They projected their

best, most phony selves to the world, regardless of the rotten reality hidden
beneath them.

"The company was confidential as it held some information that hadn't been exposed
to the public yet, so if we were to hire people, we would make sure that they kept
their lips sealed and only did what they were ordered to do. So far, so good. We'd
been in the industry for decades and there hadn't been problems about that."

Alam kong walang kwenta ang magazine na 'to. It would be filled with Mr. Mendoza's
gibberish and made-up remarks, but I needed it for research purposes anyway. Ayoko
ring may palampasin.

"Ano 'yan?"

Halos mapaigtad ako nang marinig iyon. I looked behind me and saw a woman staring
at me. Based on the polo shirt she was wearing, I could say she was a cleaner as
well. Kunot ang noo niya at halos nanlilisik ang mga mata sa akin.

I forced a smile. "Ipinapatas ko lang po 'tong magazines. May mga pakalat-kalat po

kasi sa couch . . ."

She looked at me from head to toe, and even though my heart was bursting at the
seams, I kept a smile on my face.

"Akala ko magbabasa ka pa, eh. Tumulong ka ro'n sa banyo mamaya para mabilis tayong
matapos."

Lumunok ako bago dahan-dahang tumango. "Opo."

Nang umalis siya ay napabuga ako ng hangin. I shouldn't look too nervous. Baka
mahalata ako. Although, mukhang wala namang pakialam ang mga cleaner sa akin. I
just needed to get my work done.

I returned the magazines to their racks, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed
at the realization that Mr. Mendoza was a successful jerk. Kayang-kaya niya akong
buhayin. He could even find a family to adopt me . . . but he didn't. Instead, he
abandoned me to an orphanage. Ni hindi man lang ako nagawang silipin at kumustahin.

Dahil sanay sa linisan ay hindi ako masyadong nahirapan. The restrooms smelled bad,
but I'd been to so many places that smelled worse that it didn't bother me anymore.
Ilang oras din akong naglinis. It was exhausting, but it was nothing compared to my
commitment to get to the bottom of this.

"Uhm . . . excuse me po," saad ko sa head cleaner nang bumisita siya sa floor namin
para tingnan ang progress namin.

I couldn't waste any time. Hindi ako puwedeng umuwi ngayong gabi na walang bitbit
na kahit ano.

"Ano 'yon?" striktang tanong niya.

I pursed my lips and bowed my head a little, acting like a shy puppy.

"May mga nakita po akong magazine sa lobby," mahinang saad ko. "Limited edition po
ba 'yon? Hindi ko po kasi nababasa 'yon sa internet."

"Alin do'n? 'Yong interview ni Dr. Mendoza?"

Tumango ako.

"Hindi limited edition 'yon. Printed publication lang talaga at hindi released
online kaya gano'n. Bilang na stores lang din ang may copy no'n. Kadalasan,
bookstores sa norte. Doon kasi naganap 'yong interview," sagot niya. "Bakit mo
tinatanong?"
I looked at her and smiled a little. Goodness, I could get an Oscar for this
acting.

"Mahilig po kasi ako sa mga scientific discoveries. Nagbabasa po ako tungkol sa

company . . . pero hindi ko po nakita 'yong magazine kaya nagtaka lang ako," sagot
ko.

She nodded. "Sige na. Bumalik ka na sa trabaho. Kung gusto mong mabasa nang buo,
edi, bumalik ka rito kapag hindi mo na working hours."

Nagpasalamat lang ako sa kanya bago nagpatuloy sa paglilinis. I wanted to read the
magazine, but I couldn't be caught reading it here. Nasabi naman niyang may mga
stores na nagbebenta noon. Pagkatapos ng shift ko ay hahagilapin ko iyon sa mga
posibleng stores.

Mabuti na lang din at available ako mula umaga hanggang hapon. I could just sleep
for two to three hours. Sanay naman ako sa ganoon.

I had no desire to look at those magazines because I knew they were full of
nonsense. Kailangan ko lang talaga ng kopya.

Kaya naman buong linggo, matapos ang shift, ay natutulog lang ako ng ilang oras.
After that, I spent some time commuting to a few locations in the north. I went to
every bookstore that could be found on the internet and browsed over their shelves
to locate at least one shop that stocked those magazines.

"Aanhin mo ba 'yan?" tanong sa akin ni Mill nang pakisuyuan ko siya.

"Basta. Kapag may nakita ka lang."

She chuckled. "Mukha ba akong pumapasok sa bookstore?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "Kapag nga, eh!"

When Saturday came and I didn't have any work until Monday, I decided to go
further.

Sa paglilinis buong linggo ay wala akong napalang kahit ano. Still, I brought in
some shredded bond papers that I needed to put back together so I could read what
was written on them. Mula iyon sa cubicles ng mga employee. I knew it could be a
waste of time, but I couldn't risk missing out.

"Ang dami mong kalat. Hindi ko alam kung bahay pa ba natin 'to o bodega mo na,"
saad ni Mill.

Hindi ko siya pinansin. I put everything I needed in my bag and packed it up so I

could start my trip to the north.

Hindi ko inaasahan na mahihirapan ako sa paghahanap ng magazine na 'yon. Kahit kasi

online ay wala talagang nagbebenta. Of course, who would be interested in an
interview with a science techie? Kadalasan sa mga hilig ng mga tao ngayon ay trends
at social media affairs. No one really cares about science anymore. Kung mayroon
man, hindi pa rin 'yon sapat para maging patok.

"Sa Sunday night na ang balik ko or Monday morning," sabi ko sa kaibigan.

She squinted. "Nakakatakot ka na. You seem obsess."

I heaved a sigh. "Basta . . . just tell me if you find anything like that, okay?
Hindi ko rin alam kung anong mahihita ko d'yan. I just need to do something."

Hindi ko na hinintay na makasagot pa siya. I took my bags out of my apartment and

called a cab to take me to the bus terminal. Nakita ko pang abalang-abala ang
kambal sa pagtitinda roon. I didn't bother them because I had nothing important to
say. Pinanood ko lang sila hanggang sa tuluyang makaalis ang bus na sinasakyan ko.

While I was on the road, I applied patches to the joints around my wrists and
wherever on my back that I could reach with my hands. Nagtapal din ako ng maliit na
ganoon sa sintido ko bago nagsuot ng itim na cap para itago iyon.

The cleaning was getting to me. Hindi ko nakikita sa loob ng firm sina Mr. Mendoza
at ang mga researcher. Sometimes, people worked the graveyard shift, but they were
just regular employees.

At this rate, hindi ko alam kung ano pang magagawa ko. I was just waiting for
something that I didn't know about. Kaya ito, para akong tangang naghahabol sa
magazines . . . o kahit anong source.

From: Nathaniel

Nakita kita kanina, ate. Ingat ka.

From: Nathaniel

Sorry, nag-text ako. Hahaha. Hindi ka kasi lumapit sa amin. Napadalhan ka sana
namin ng meryenda.

I smiled as I typed a reply to him.

To: Nathaniel

Thank you. Busy rin kasi kayo. Hindi naman tamang mang-abala pa ako. Galingan n'yo,
ha? Fighting.

Pasalampak akong sumandal sa upuan ko at pinanood ang binabagtas na pamilyar na

daan. Going to all these different places, especially bookstores, couldn't help but
remind me of someone who had the same interests. Magugustuhan niya rin 'yon. Baka
sabay pa kaming magbasa. Baka nga may voucher siya na puwede ko pang gamitin.

I wonder if he had already found someone to date. Nasabi niyang handa na siyang
makakilala ng ibang tao. He deserved that. He loved me ever since we were 18. First
year college. Isang dekada na rin.

He had put himself in a prison, with me working as the barrels and his love serving
as the lock. Now that he was ready to break out and be free, then I guess we were
really over.

I pursed my lips as tears started to hurt my eyes.

Kumusta na kaya siya? Kagaya ko . . . iniisip niya rin kaya ako ngayon? Galit pa
rin kaya siya sa 'kin? Nagsisisi kaya siya na ako pa ang minahal niya?

He said I could destroy him, that with one blow, I could break him apart. 'Yon pa
lang . . . sobrang nakakahiya na. He was there for me while I was healing, but now
he was scared of me . . . scared because I hadn't given him enough assurance that
I'd stay.

Hindi ko masisi nang buo ang sarili ko. I knew I tried . . . I just failed. We were
both victims, and pointing fingers at who was to blame was useless. Tapos na, at
ang tanging magagawa ko na lang para sa kanya ay ang tulungan siyang mabigyan ng
hustisya ang pagkakakulong ng mga kapatid niya.

Although they earned their punishment, nobody in jail should be harmed in any way.
The sight of his siblings' bruises may have pushed him to wonder how and why the
real drug smugglers were living with such ease and freedom.

Sana naitanong ko. Sana nakapag-usap pa kami. Sana hindi ako pinangunahan ng selos.

Ilang oras din ang itinagal ko sa byahe. Hindi na ako nag-aksaya ng oras at inisa-
isa ko na ang mga bookstores na puwedeng puntahan. I asked about the magazine with
each retailer, and a few of them said they had stopped stocking it because
customers weren't buying it. May mga itinuro silang bookstores pero noong puntahan
ko naman ay wala rin.

"Last one," I whispered to myself as I panted.

Nakatingin ako ngayon sa isang bookstore na halos tagong-tago na. It wasn't on any
maps or websites, but the locals suggested I give it a shot. Umakyat pa ako ng
halos limang daang hagdan para lang makarating dito.

I walked into the store and was surprised by how cozy it was inside. May coffee
shop sa gitna habang ang mga shelves ay nakapaligid dito. There was also an attic
that you could go up to and a nook where you could read. The entire facility had an
interesting balance of modern and vintage decorations, from the sleek coffee bar
and furniture to the antique bookcases and wooden floors.

"Good morning," I said as I walked up to the counter. "Do you sell scientific
discovery magazines of Mr. Mendoza?"

Nag-angat ng tingin ang babae sa akin. "'Yong maraming volume po?"

"Yeah."

She gave it some thought for a while. "I-check ko po sa inventory. Upo po muna
kayo."

Napahinga ako nang malalim. "Uhm . . . pa-order na rin ng iced americano."

"Okay, ma'am. Serve ko na lang po."

I thanked her before I settled myself at a table. Manghang-mangha ako sa ganda ng

paligid, at kung normal na araw ay kaya kong magtagal dito ng ilang oras. I would
have come here on the weekends if it wasn't so far from home.

Coffee shop sa loob ng library. That was smart. I wonder if they had book
suggestions as well. That would easily make the store perfect.

Dahil pagabi na ay wala na ring tao bukod sa akin. After looking around tomorrow,
I'd go through those bookcases and give in to my personal urges. Wala na akong
pakialam kung wala akong makuhang magazine o ano. This search took me all week, and
I wasn't able to get much done because of it.

While sipping my coffee, my interest was drawn to a sign in the psychology section
of the bookshelves. Iniwan ko ang kape sa mesa at tumayo para maglakad papunta
roon. My heart was racing with anticipation as I neared it, but my excitement
quickly subsided when I recognized a man leaning against a shelf, his head bowed
over what he was reading.
"Leon?" I said under my breath.

Nagwala ang dibdib ko nang nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. His brow furrowed a
little, but his expression smoothed as soon as he stood up straight and moved the
bridge of his glasses.

"What are you doing here?" he asked in his usual low, deep voice.

I felt a pang of yearning hit the shore of my heart. Pinigilan kong ngumiti dahil
wala namang kangiti-ngiti sa sitwasyon namin . . . pero parang mayroong sariling
utak ang dalawang sulok ng labi ko dahil hindi ko sila napigilan.

I missed him. I missed him so much that just seeing him could make me smile this
much.

Gusto kong umiyak at magsumbong sa kanya na masakit ang katawan ko at napapagod na

akong matulog gabi-gabi habang iniisip na napagod ko siya. Na kung may malaki akong
pagsisisi, 'yon ay ang hindi ko naiparamdam sa kanya kung gaano ko siya kamahal. I
wanted to cry because I missed him so much, but I knew I had no right to do so.

"M-May . . ." I pointed at the back. "Ano . . . binibili lang."

He was staring at me intently, but there was no emotion on his face.

I chuckled awkwardly. "Ikaw? Uhm . . . ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?"

Isinarado niya ang librong hawak. His chest heaved as he took his eyes off of me.

"Benguet," tipid na saad niya.

For a second, I was confused, but then I realized that this was the bookstore he
had told me about before. The one he discovered.

"Ah, right!" natataranta kong sabi. "Okay . . . tama ka. Maganda nga at uhm . . .
maraming choices."

If only I could laugh at myself right now, I would. Hinarap ko si Mr. Mendoza, si
Psyche, at ang mga cleaner na parang wala akong binabalak. I put on my makeup and
tried to look stressed out like a true damned actress.

Pero ngayong si Leon ang kaharap ko, ni hindi ko magawang magkunwaring hindi ako
kinakabahan sa presensya niya.

"Ma'am, may copy pa po kami," the woman said as she walked up to me.

Napalingon ako sa kanya. The relief I should feel for finally finding the magazine
was nowhere to be found.

"Okay, thank you. I'll buy . . ." I said as I gulped, "each volume."

My lips were trembling. Alam kong dapat ay bumalik na lang ako sa mesa ko kaysa
ganitong mukha akong tanga sa harap ni Leon. But then, my feet were stoned to the
floor, making it impossible for me to move.

Muli akong napalunok nang iwan kami ng babae.

Siguro . . . sa kaibuturan ng puso ko, alam kong mas gusto kong maramdaman ngayon
na nasa iisang lugar kami ni Leon. That we were this close. That before he could
find someone to replace me in his life, we breathed the same air from the same
narrow space again.

"Excuse me," he said.

Sa gulat ay naramdaman ko ang pag-awang ng labi ko. "Huh?"

His jaw clenched. "Dadaan ako."

Dumaan ang panghihinayang sa dibdib ko. "Aalis ka na?"

He breathed deeply as he nodded.

"S-Sabagay. Madilim na rin. Uuwi ka pa," dagdag ko pa.

Marahan akong tumawa, pilit na itinatago ang kaba.

"Ingat sa . . . ano . . . sa pagd-drive."

Hindi na siya sumagot kaya gumilid ako para makadaan siya. His familiar fragrance
reached my nose, and a jolt of nostalgia shot right through me.

Hinabol ko siya ng tingin. Pinanood ko kung paanong kinuha niya ang isang basket na
punong-puno ng mga libro at binayaran iyon sa counter.

All of a sudden, the magazines, psychology books, and Mr. Mendoza's plans didn't
seem to matter.

I was just watching the greatest love of my life walk away from me, acting as if we
had never lived under the same roof . . . as if he hadn't spent the nights cuddling
me . . . as if I hadn't once become a part of his future.

Hindi na niya ulit ako tinapunan ng tingin hanggang sa makalabas siya ng store.

Out of reflex, I rushed to the door, watching his back move away from me. Nakasilip
lang ako sa kanya habang bumababa siya ng hagdan. His strong arms, which I used to
lean against when I slept, and his broad back, which I used to hug, were now too
distant . . . too impossible for me to get ahold of again.

"Kilala n'yo po si Sir Leon?" tanong ng babae sa 'kin, ni hindi ko namalayang

pinanonood niya na pala ako.

Mapait akong ngumiti bago dahan-dahang umiling. Naninikip ang dibdib kong bumalik
sa mesa para kunin ang kape ko. Binayaran ko lang ang mga magazine at mabigat ang
loob na lumabas ng store.

As I walked down the stairs, I realized that if Leon ever met someone, I wouldn't
be able to talk to him in that manner again. Hindi lang dahil hindi na tama . . .
kung hindi dahil na rin sa alam kong hindi ko kaya.

Kaya siguro, kapag may nabalitaan akong bagong kasintahan niya, lalayo na lang ako.
O . . . kahit pagkatapos ng plano ko. Igaganti ko lang siya . . . kami. I would go
back to Italy and try to convince myself to move forward in life the way he did.

I chuckled. I was just so pathetic. Years and I still couldn't handle my emotions
well.

Nang tuluyang makababa ay agad na naagaw ng isang resto bar ang atensyon ko. May
live band doon, tila ba nagkakasiyahan ang mga lokal habang kumakain at
nagkakantahan. I could hear their laughter even from my distance.

Attracted by how busy it was, I walked toward it and decided to check it out.
Pumasok ako sa loob at mabilis na dumalo sa akin ang isang server. She asked me in
their dialect, but seeing how confused I was, she smiled and asked me in Tagalog
instead.

"Pang-ilanan po?"

Napatango ako. "Isa . . ."

She motioned me to a wooden table and chair. "Okay po, ma'am. Dito po tayo."

It happened pretty quickly. Nang makaupo ay inilapag niya sa mesa ko ang menu at
sinabihan akong tawagin na lang siya kapag may order na. There were a lot of dishes
I hadn't heard of before, but the basic descriptions written beside them made them
sound delicious.

After I placed my order, I just looked around and heard people laughing and talking
in a dialect I couldn't understand.

Yellow and white lamps bathed the whole area, and the floor was basically just
gravel and pebbles. Ang mga upuan at mesa ay gawa sa kahoy. Ganoon din ang maliit
na stage kung saan nagpe-perform ang banda. It was just a beatbox, an acoustic
guitar, and a microphone, but the music they made brought life to the entire
vicinity.

"Ma'am, baka may request kayong kanta," saad ng server nang ilapag niya ang orders
ko.

I chuckled and shook my head. "Wala . . . salamat."

I started chowing down on whatever was in front of me and smiled at the delightful
combinations of flavors. Original recipe ito ng mga lokal. Mabuti na lang at dito
ako kumain. For a while, I felt a little less lonely . . . siguro dahil maingay ang
paligid at nakakahawa ang tawanan ng mga tao.

I was enjoying my meal when the guitarist played the intro of a familiar song.
Napatigil ako sa pagkain para ibaling doon ang atensyon.

"Chill muna tayo," saad pa ng vocalist.

And if my fate wasn't already making fun of me, I saw Leon standing at the
entrance, still looking like the guy I couldn't stop thinking about.

Agad ang pagragasa ng emosyon sa loob ko. Kaba . . . saya . . . sakit. Kaba dahil
baka umalis siya kapag nakita niya ako, saya dahil napupunan ng presensya niya ang
malaking panghihinayang sa dibdib ko, at sakit dahil alam kong hindi ko na siya
puwedeng lapitan.

Hindi niya ako nakita agad, pero nang pumasok siya sa loob ay nalaglag ang tingin
niya sa akin.

His lips parted almost instantly, and I was sure as hell that I was looking at him
with so much love in my eyes. Hindi ko iyon nagawang itago. Hindi ko inasahan na
mahahanap ako ng mga mata niya. I was mesmerized . . . I was longing.

"When I look into your eyes, it's like watching the night sky or a beautiful
sunrise, well there's so much they hold . . ."
Gusto kong matawa dahil parang pinaglalaruan kami ng tadhana. The song fit the
scene well, like the soundtrack to a viral video.

Kung hindi ko lang alam na pagod na siya sa akin, baka nakatayo na ako . . . baka
natakbo ko na siya.

I would drag him to sit beside me so that I could stare at his eyes as long as I
wanted to. Those eyes that I used to wake up to. Those eyes that once looked at me
like they could see the universe in me.

Tama nga si Nathaniel — sayang nga kami.

Nakita ko ang paglapit sa kanya ng server. But unlike me, who couldn't understand
their dialect, he answered her just fine. The server led him to a table that,
thankfully, wasn't near me. I was just staring at him while he didn't seem to mind
that I was there. Wala na ang gulat o pagtataka, hindi gaya ko na hindi magawang
maalis ang tingin sa kanya.

"And just like them old stars, I see that you've come so far. To be right where you
are. How old is your soul?" the vocalist sang. "Well, I won't give up on us even if
the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up . . ."

Ibinaba ko ang tingin sa pagkain.

Bullshit. People gave up . . . and it was okay.

If it was too draining, if it was too exhausting . . . it was okay.

Letting go was a part of our journey.

"And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently
waiting to see what you find."

I hummed along with the song, realizing that it used to be the same song that I
held so close to my heart. Na noong nanlalamig siya sa akin, isang kanta lang ni
Kat, napagtanto ko kung gaano ko siya kamahal . . . at ganoon din siya sa akin.

At some point in my life before, I thought that no matter how far apart we were, no
matter how far we traveled, we would always find our way back to each other's
arms . . . but now, I didn't think it was possible anymore.

Dahil 'yong pangako naming hindi pagsuko . . . nasira din. 'Yong pagod, hindi na
namin kayang ipahinga. 'Yong mga sugat, naging peklat na.

I realized that maybe we couldn't wind up with the person our hearts desired. Baka
masyado nang demanding para sa mundo kung paulit-ulit kong hihilingin si Leon. Baka
kapag ipinilit ko na naman, lalo ko lang siyang masaktan.

"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily, I'm here to stay and make the
difference that I can make . . . our differences they do a lot to teach us how to
use, the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake . . ."

Inilaban naman namin. Okay na siguro 'yon. Baka tama si Leon. Wala na kaming dapat
pagsisisihan kasi sinubukan naman namin.

We fought until we bled. We fought until our shields became our bodies. We fought
until one of us raised the white flag.
"Well, I won't give up on us. God knows I'm tough enough. We got a lot to learn.
God knows we're worth it . . ."

I just finished the song before asking for a bill. Hindi na ako tumingin ulit kay
Leon dahil nahihiya ako sa sarili ko . . . sa kanya. If I wanted him to completely
give up on us, I shouldn't give him more reasons to hold on.

But then, as I gathered my belongings, I casted one last glance at him, and my
heart skipped a beat when I saw him staring me like he had been watching me for a
while.

I swallowed hard before averting his gaze. Walang nang kwenta ang pag-aasam ngayon.
Lumabas na lang ako at hindi na muling pinagbigyan ang sarili na tingnan siya ulit.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Although I was sure I should take a cab to the
hotel where I was staying, a part of me wanted to stay.

Naglakad-lakad na lang muna ako. I needed some time to sort things out in my head .
. . or maybe, I just wanted to feel the same breeze that was swirling against Leon.

Wala na, ayon na 'yon. Salamat na lang siguro sa regalo. Okay na 'ko. I was only
looking for a magazine but I found more than just that. I think I can make it
through another week or maybe even a few months.

Who would have thought that I would see him here? Na na-discover ko rin 'yong na-
discover niyang bookstore. Kung maayos lang ang lahat, baka naiyabang ko na sa
kanya na kaya ko rin ang ginawa niya. That he didn't have to take me here anymore
because I could get here by myself.

"Amari . . . paano ka makakamove-on?" I asked myself as I walked. "Tangina mo naman

kasi. Lahat na lang ng tao pinagod mo."

No'ng sina Jin at Mr. Mendoza ang nagsabing nakakapagod ako, may maliit na parte sa
'kin ang hindi naniwala . . . ang sinisi pa rin sila.

Pero no'ng gabing narinig ko 'yon kay Leon . . . pati 'yong maliit na parteng 'yon,
sa kanya kumampi. It abandoned and convinced me that I was really, really tiring.

At ako 'yong totoong problema, hindi sila.

I was enjoying the fresh air when a red car pulled up next to me. Hindi ko na
kailangang magtanong kung kanino iyon. I recognized it at first sight, putting my
thoughts into a halt, making my heart start beating fast again . . . bringing it
back to life after being dead for so long.

When the windows rolled down, I saw him inside right away.

Pakiramdam ko, nabura lahat ng nasa isip ko. At that time, all that matter to me
was him and the way he was looking at me.

"Hop in," Leon ordered.

Gusto kong magtanong kung bakit. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanyang may hotel akong
pupuntahan, at puwedeng umuna na siya para hindi siya lalong gabihin . . . pero
alam kong walang-wala ang mga 'yon sa kagustuhan kong sundin at makasama siya.

And so, without a word, I opened the door and slid myself into his car. I was so
happy that I wanted to cry. Hindi ko alam na puwede palang manikip ang dibdib mo sa
labis na saya. Something in my chest felt like it was celebrating . . . like a
puppy seeing its owner after a long day . . . like a warrior putting his armors
down after announcing a victory.

"Seatbelt," he said.

Nahihipnotismo akong sumunod sa kanya. I fastened my seatbelt and leaned against

the chair as quietly as I could.

Magkasalubong ang kilay niya kaya mayroong malalim na kunot sa noo niya. He looked
handsome nonetheless. He looked so much like the Leon who used to frown whenever I
did something he didn't like.

"Ang dilim-dilim na, naglalakad ka pa . . ."

Seven . . . just seven words . . . and my eyes began to well up with tears.

"Hindi mo naman kasama si Mill. Walang susundo sa 'yo," pagpapatuloy niya. "Hindi
ka na nagtanda, eh. Alam na alam mo namang delikado na kapag gabi."

I looked out the window. Miss na miss ko na siya. Miss na miss ko nang pagsabihan
niya nang ganito . . . na marinig siyang may pakialam pa rin sa 'kin.

We sank into a deep silence when he started driving. Suddenly, I couldn't remember
any of the questions I had planned to ask him. Gusto ko lang damahin na magkasama
ulit kami . . . na katabi niya lang ako.

Because maybe this wouldn't happen again, so I had to seize the moment while I
could.

Matagal kaming tahimik. The hotel texted me that my reservation was nearing its
schedule, but I decided to cancel it anyway, despite having already paid for it.
Ewan ko. Mas gusto ko 'to. Kasama ko si Leon at nagmamaneho siya para ihatid ako.
Nabili ko naman na ang dapat bilhin. Wala na ring dahilan para mag-stay pa ako
rito.

I was afraid of making any noise. Baka may masabi akong hindi tama . . . baka may
masabi akong makapagpagalit sa kanya.

"Hindi ka uminom ng tubig pagkatapos mong kumain," aniya matapos ang mahabang
katahimikan. "Nauuhaw ka?"

I tried to smile, but a cry wanted to come out of my lips. Nagsusungit na naman
siya. It was evident in his voice.

I glanced at him and nodded slowly. Mabilis siyang tumingin sa akin bago ibinalik
ang tingin sa daan. Mas malalim na ang kunot ng noo niya kaya hindi ko maiwasang
hindi magsaya.

He was worried, wasn't he? Hindi naman talaga ako nauuhaw. Gusto ko lang mag-alala
siya . . . gusto kong makita ulit 'yon. Ewan ko ba. Ganoon na yata ako kadesperada.

Tumigil kami sa isang convenience store. He removed his seatbelt and took a
sidelong glance at me.

"What else do you want?"

"W-Wala na." My lips quievered as I shook my head. "Sabihin mo na lang sa 'kin kung
magkano."
He rolled his eyes and scoffed before getting off the car. Pinanood ko ang paggalaw
niya sa loob ng convenience store at kung paanong natulala pa sa kanya ang cashier.

I heard the unfamiliar sound of my chuckle at that. I would have had the same
reaction.

Bago siya sumakay ng kotse ay kinuha niya ang itim na panyo sa bulsa ng pantalon
niya at ipinaikot iyon sa bote. Nang tuluyang makapasok sa loob ay binuksan niya pa
iyon bago iniabot sa 'kin. He turned his body to me and stayed like that for a
while.

"Bakit . . ." my voice was faint.

He didn't say a word. He just looked at the bottle I was holding as if he was
waiting for me to drink.

My hands were shaking a little when I brought it to my lips. Pinapanood niya lang
ako na para bang magagalit siya kapag hindi ko naubos 'yon.

"Okay na," bulong ko nang makakalahati.

Hindi niya inalis ang tingin sa akin kaya napakurap ako.

"Mamaya na lang ulit kapag . . . nauhaw."

There was a sudden look of approval in his face . . . although his brows were still
furrowed. Umayos siya ng upo at nagsimula na ulit magmaneho.

Hindi na nasundan ang pag-uusap namin. We were silent the whole ride, and I kept
praying and praying that the road would be longer so that I could spend more time
with him. I prayed for heavy traffics, red stoplights, and gas refills. Basta hindi
muna matapos.

But of course, nothing in this world was permanent. Nang matanaw ko ang apartment
namin, kahit nasa loob pa ako ng sasakyan niya . . . nakaramdam na ako ng matinding
dismaya. I wished I had the guts to invite him inside. I wished I had the courage
to ask him to come see me again.

He parked his car outside the apartment . . . at hindi agad ako nakababa. Tahimik
lang din naman siya, para bang pinakikiramdaman ako.

It was a long drive. Hindi ako natulog. Kahit hindi kami nag-uusap, gising na
gising ang diwa ko. I looked at the clock of his car and saw that it was almost 2
in the morning. Uuwi pa siya sa bahay niya . . . magpapahinga.

"Thank you," I managed to say . . . or at least, whisper.

Hindi siya sumagot, nakatingin lang sa daan kung saan tumatama ang liwanag ng
headlights niya. My heart was starting to swell, not with happiness this time. Alam
ko kasing imposible nang mangyari ulit 'to . . . imposible nang maging ganito ulit
kabait ang tadhana sa 'kin.

But right now, I didn't want to be selfish. Pinagbigyan na akong makasama ulit si
Leon. I should be content with that.

Pinakatitigan ko siya. Alam kong ramdam niya 'yon. I memorized the frame of his
glasses, the curl of his eyelash, the soft pointed tip of his nose, and the moist
of his lips. I memorized everything there was to memorize about him. Every line,
pore, and mole. Every vein, gesture, and curve.
Huli na 'to. Huling beses na maaamoy ko ang nasaulo ko nang natural na bango niya .
. . huling beses na may laya pa akong pagmasdan siya.

"Leon . . ." I called his name like it was my first time saying it.

Napatingin siya sa akin. Unlike earlier, his expression was softer. Walang kunot ng
noo, walang magkasalubong na kilay. It was just the gentleness in his eyes and the
little part on his lips.

At that moment, I didn't know what had gotten into me. Parang binigyan ako ng
tapang ng langit para dahan-dahang abutin siya . . . para ikulong ang isang kamay
niya sa akin . . . para higpitan ang hawak doon dahil ang totoo, ayoko na siyang
bitawan.

I held onto his hand tightly, almost squeezing it. My vision was blurry but I could
see him, confused, sad, and longing.

"Thank you for everything . . ." I chuckled despite the unshed tears in my eyes.
"You're also not only the highlight of my college . . . you're the best part of my
life."

Tuluyang nalaglag ang luha ko pero hindi ko pinalis iyon. Nanginginig ang kamay
kong nakahawak sa kanya. I didn't want to let him go. Hell, I didn't want to give
up on him. I wanted another shot. I wanted another chance. I wanted to kneel before
God and ask Him to make our paths cross again, to align our fates, to finish our
story with us ending with one another.

"Live well and be happy . . ." I slowly let go of his hand. ". . . Zamora."

Sa kagustuhang humikbi ay tumalikod na ako sa kanya at tuluyang lumabas ng

sasakyan. I ran to the apartment, locked myself in the bathroom, sat in the floor,
and wept for the lost love we could have taken care of.

Chapter 40 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 40

TW: Mention of Abuse

That encounter with him strengthened my desire to punish the real rival, the root
of my behavior and my terrible, wicked antecedent.

Buong araw ng Linggo ay nagbasa ako ng interview ni Mr. Mendoza sa magazines. They
were full of crap, but I stomached the disgust that was crumbling within me. Nagawa
ko ngang harapin siya . . . ano pang hindi ko makakaya?

I looked back on every muscle cramp I had before just to pay the rent; the
sleepless nights I endured just to search for someone who could lend me money; and
the decent and expensive dates that could have happened if Leon and I didn't
sacrifice all our earnings.

Mr. Mendoza played me dirty. Siya ang nagtanim sa 'kin ng galit at ng paniniwalang
dapat ay mas magaling ako sa lahat. He killed the young Amari who used to believe
that her father was a superhero. The young Amari who wanted nothing but to hear him
say he was proud of her.

He murdered my innocence, stained my goodness . . . but I knew at some point in my

life . . . I let him.

But then, I was now paying the consequences of my behavior, and it was high time
for him to pay his.

"The world is like an ocean and we, people, are its drops. Some were in the deeper
part, while others were in the shallow. Some were dancing with the waves, some were
playing with the whales. Some were stagnant, some were flowing continuously. Some
stayed, enjoying the sea breeze, and some needed to be consumed to save humanity. "

Pumitik ang sindito ko nang basahin ang laman ng magazine. My asshole of a father
was playing the poet.

"To achieve great change is to sacrifice. And I, myself, had sacrificed a lot to
keep our firm steadfast in the industry. With the help of my co-founder, Mrs.
Valeen Claire Medina-Alvarado, we were able to do that. We sacrificed tears, blood,
and sweat. Was it worth it? Always had . . . always been."

Hindi ko maiwasang mapatawa. Ang lakas ng loob niyang tawagin sa ganoong pangalan
si Valeen na para bang wala silang itinatagong karumihan. It was funny, but at the
same time, disgusting. Marami silang napapaniwala na mabuti silang tao.

"We searched for researchers all over the country. We offered jobs to those who had
the potential to continue the innovation. We were rejected by a few aggressive and
arrogant geniuses, sadly . . . but it was their loss, not ours. We catered to a lot
of ideas. Most of them are from Valeen and me, but those of the researchers are
helpful as well."

Nagbuntong-hininga ako bago isinarado ang magazine. Availing and looking for it was
pointless. Puro pagyayabang lang ni Mr. Mendoza ang nandoon. I put every volume
aside and realized how much time I wasted reading them.

"Papasok ka na?" tanong ni Mill nang makitang bihis na ako.

I just nodded in response. She didn't know a thing or two about my family, just
like I didn't know anything about hers. Sinabi ko lang sa kanya na nagbago na ang
trabaho ko at graveyard shift ako kaya hindi na siya nagtataka kapag umaalis ako ng
hatinggabi. Kadalasan naman ay wala rin siya dahil sa trabaho.

"Ba't ka naglalagay kanina ng efficascent oil at pain relief patches? Masakit ang
katawan mo?" tanong niya ulit, titig na titig sa akin na para bang binabasa niya
ako.

I sighed. Hindi biro ang paglilinis ng mga banyo at cubicle pero wala akong ibang
magagawa kung hindi ang magtiis.

My goal destination to clean was the uppermost floor of the firm where the
laboratory was located. Walang ibang naglilinis doon bukod sa head cleaner. Hindi
rin puwedeng makapunta roon nang walang keycard.

The head was assigned to clean the whole floor every single day while the rest of
us were deployed to different lower floors. Hindi naman kwestyon iyon sa mga
cleaner dahil sino ba namang mangangarap na magsolo sa paglilinis ng isang buong
floor?

Sa 16th floor ang office ni Mr. Mendoza habang sa 14th floor naman ang conference
room ng researchers. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako i-a-assign sa mga 'yon. Sa isang
linggo ko kasing pagtatrabaho roon ay sa baba lang ako lagi. Kung hindi naman ay sa
2nd at 3rd floor.

Mukhang matatagalan ako kapag dadaan ako sa proseso.

"Mill . . . you're a journalist, right? A reporter?" wala sa hulog na tanong ko.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Hindi ba obvious?"

Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang may isang ideyang pumasok sa isip ko.

"How do you record conversations?"

Lumabi siya bago pasalampak na sumandal sa sofa. "Cellphone or recorder. Bakit?"

"Hindi ba kayang mag-record ng conversation without the other party knowing?"

"Aba, Amari Sloane." Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. "I don't think that's legal."

I smiled to myself. "So, it's possible?"

She squinted at me. "Ano'ng naglalaro sa utak mo?"

"Hindi mo pa na-try mag-record secretly?"

"Na-try. College. Sariling gawa ko 'yong recorder." She shrugged. "I was desperate.
Pinagsisihan ko rin agad."

Huminga ako nang malalim at pinakatitigan siya. "Nasaan ang recorder mo?"

"Nasa akin, bakit?"

I pursed my lips. "Can I have it?"

Umiling siya. "No, you can't. It's not legal, Mari. Respeto na rin sa kakausapin mo
. . . saka sa sarili mo."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya bago marahang napatawa.

"Does everyone deserve respect, Mill?" tanong ko pa.

"Ako ang tinatanong mo? Malamang, hindi . . ." sagot niya. "My point is that
listening in on other people's conversations or secretly recording them could hurt
you. Some truths are better kept hidden, Mari. Maniwala ka sa 'kin."

I looked at her and smiled. "To conceal the truth is to conceal evil."

Hindi siya sumagot.

"I want my father in jail, Mill," pinal na saad ko.

Agad na bumalatay ang gulat sa mukha niya.

"No'ng college tayo, sa tingin mo, bakit para akong tanga sa kakatrabaho at
kakaaral?" tanong ko. "Kasi kung hindi ako magiging consistent top student,
mapapalayas niya tayong lahat sa apartment. And when I cut off contact with him, he
started making me pay the rent. 8,000 monthly."
I gulped as anger rushed within me.

"Kung hindi ako tinulungan ni Leon, hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin. 'Yong
dapat na ipanggagastos namin sa date namin, ipinambabayad na lang namin ng renta.
'Yong kalahati ng kinikita niya, imbes na ipunin niya sa bangko . . . tangina, Mill
. . . isinusulit niya sa 'kin." I chuckled. "'Yong ipambibili namin ng graduation
attire kasi may Latin honor naman kami at deserve naman namin 'yon . . . wala.
Ipinambayad na lang namin. Nag-ukay na lang kami."

I thought Mill would lash out at me and ask why I didn't tell them . . . but she
didn't. Nakatitig lang siya sa akin, para bang inaalam kung ano ang nasa isip ko. I
didn't move an inch. I wanted her to feel my sincerity.

"Leon's brother tipped me off that Mr. Mendoza was a drug dealer, but he could
avoid being jailed because of his influence and money," dagdag ko pa.

Tumayo siya at tinabihan ako sa tapat ng salamin. She stared at me deeply,

penetrating my soul. Maya-maya pa ay dumulas ang kamay niya papunta sa akin at
marahang pinisil iyon.

"Alam ni Leon 'tong ginagawa mo?" she asked.

I shook my head slowly.

"Pero okay kayo?"

My heart clenched before shaking my head again.

"Hindi na 'ko babalikan no'n, Mill. Ayaw na niya sa 'kin." Mapait akong ngumiti.
"Napagod ko na."

She glared at me. "Kaibigan mo ba 'ko? Ba't ngayon ko lang nalalaman 'yan?"

"Masaya ka, eh. Ayokong sirain." I laughed. "Pati . . . okay lang naman. Sanay
naman ako sa gan'yan."

Napailing siya bago binitawan ang kamay ko.

"Kailan mo kailangan ang recorder?"

It was more than enough for me. Huminga ako nang malalim at pinasalamatan siya.

I was nervous . . . but the thought of being in pain for so many years just because
of an evil man outweighed it.

I just couldn't believe myself . . . kung bakit hinayaan kong sila ang makasira sa
amin ni Leon . . . kung bakit hinayaan kong lamunin ako ng galit ko sa kanila.

Leon and I broke up because they offered him help . . . and he said he accepted it.
Dapat hinayaan ko na lang pala. Dapat hindi ako pumayag na sila ang maging dahilan
ng paghihiwalay namin.

They controlled my college life, and ever since I was young, all I hoped for was to
share a meal with them. Iyon lang. Putangina . . . iyon lang. Isang hapunan lang.
Isang paliwanag kung bakit nila ako iniwan, at isang tapik sa balikat kasi nakaya
ko kahit wala sila.

But no. They were far from what I dreamed of. Percy Ezekiel Mendoza and Valeen
Claire Medina brought nothing but nightmares to me. Gusto lang nila akong tanggapin
kapag may maitutulong ako. Gusto lang nila akong kilalanin kapag may maibibigay
ako.

Conditions of worth. For me to be deemed worthy, they laid their conditions on me.

Pero . . . natanggap ko na 'yon, eh. Natanggap ko nang hindi ko kayang ipilit ang
pagmamahal at pagkilala. I was okay with that.

Pero idinamay nila si Leon. Idinamay nila ang nag-iisang lalaking ipinaranas sa
'kin ang kalinga at lambing na hindi nila naibigay sa 'kin. Idinamay nila ang nag-
iisang lalaking nagpuno ng pagkukulang nila sa 'kin.

And I would never ever be okay with that.

Maaga akong pumasok noong araw na iyon. I didn't do anything. I just looked around,
the same as what I did last week. Tuloy rin ako sa pagkuha ng mga shredded
documents sa cubicles kahit na napakatagal na proseso bago ko mapagtagi-tagpi iyon.

It was a long process. I felt like I wasn't close enough to what I wanted to know.

Or so I thought.

"Good evening," bati ni Psyche sa aming mga cleaner, ika-sampung na araw ng

pagtatrabaho ko sa firm.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya nandito nang ganitong oras. Usually, it was just us,
the maintenance. Kahit ang mga researchers ay hindi namin naaabutan. In my pocket
was the small bug of a recorder that Mill handed me. Hindi ako makahanap ng tyempo
kung saan ko ito ilalagay. Hindi pa rin kasi ako na-a-assign sa matataas na floors.

"I need someone to clean Dr. Mendoza's office," Psyche announced.

Agad na dinaga ang dibdib ko. I wanted to volunteer but I didn't want her to know
that I was interested.

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin, para bang hinihintay na may gawin ako. Some of the
cleaners were bowing their heads, showing that they didn't want to clean that
floor.

Nagtagal ang tingin sa akin ni Psyche bago siya unti-unting napangisi, marahil ay
napagtantong wala akong balak gawin.

"Ikaw na," aniya sabay turo sa akin. "Bago ka, 'di ba? Mas magandang ma-explore mo
bawat floors para ma-familiarize ka sa lugar," dagdag niya pa.

I was surprised, but I didn't let it show on my face. I was about to answer when
the head cleaner interfered.

"Ako na po, ma'am. Tatapusin ko na lang po agad 'yong paglilinis ng lab."

Umiling si Psyche sa kanya. "Okay lang, ate. Babantayan ko naman."

Nagbuntong-hininga ang huli. "Sigurado po ba kayo, ma'am? Alam n'yo naman pong
mapili si Dr. Mendoza sa mga naglilinis."

"Bakit? Hindi ba siya magaling?" tanong ni Psyche habang iminumuwestra ako. "If she
isn't, then we should fire her, right?"

"Nako, ma'am! Hindi naman po!" kinakabahang sagot ng head cleaner. "Maayos naman po
siyang maglinis. Wala rin pong reklamo!"

I wanted to roll my eyes at that sight. Naiinip na 'ko. I'd been working here for
almost two weeks and nothing was happening yet. Ngayon namang may nakikita akong
awang ng pag-asa ay pinipigilan pa ng iba.

"'Yon naman pala, eh," Psyche said with finality before looking at me. "Let's go."

Hindi na ako nag-aksaya ng oras. Alam kong may pinaplano si Psyche pero wala akong
pakialam. Bahala siya. Given how easily she had granted me this opportunity, the
odds were in my favor. Basta huwag niya lang akong pipigilan sa gusto kong
mangyari.

"No thank you's?" tawa niya habang nasa elevator kami.

Hindi ko siya pinansin. Tutok lang ang mata ko sa number 16 na ngayon ay kulay
dilaw na dahil sa pagpindot niya.

"I figured I should tell you my plan so that you could work with me," she added.
"Na-realize mo naman sigurong hindi madaling mahanap ang baho ng firm na 'to."

I breathed deeply. "Wala akong pakialam sa 'yo at sa plano mo, Psyche. Leave me out
of it because I have more important things to do."

Narinig ko ang marahang pagtawa niya pero hindi naman siya nagsalita hanggang sa
makarating kami sa 16th floor. Nauna siyang lumabas habang tinutulak ko ang cart
kung saan nakalagay ang mga panlinis.

When I stepped outside, I was taken aback by how big the office was. At one end
were a makeshift laboratory, equipped with a swivel chair and a table. It was
modest and spacious. There were intricate paintings and sculptures featuring
skeletal forms. Mayroon ding mga white wooden cabinets kung saan kita ang iba't
ibang laboratory equipment.

May kinutinting si Psyche sa monitor. I gazed at it and realized it was the CCTV.
She turned it off before turning her attention to me.

"Feel free."

Nakahilig siya sa mesa ni Mr. Mendoza, nakatingin sa akin habang may maliit na
ngisi sa labi. At that time, I wondered what she was up to. Kung totoo mang gusto
niya ring pabagsakin ang lalaki ay kayang-kaya niyang gawin iyon sa koneksyon na
meron siya.

She turned off the CCTV. I was sure she was waiting for me to do something.

"Now you're curious," biglang saad niya.

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa cart at hindi inalis ang tingin sa kanya. I hated
her . . . almost all my life. Simula noong ipinagkalandakan niyang boyfriend niya
si Leon, malaking parte sa akin ang tuluyang umayaw sa kanya. Yes, it was shallow,
but she was the only woman I felt jealous of, and I didn't want to associate myself
with her.

"I told you . . . if there's someone who shares your anger towards them, it's me,"
she muttered. "Kaya gawin mo kung ano ang gusto mong gawin. Sa 'yo si Percy . . .
akin si Valeen."

I could feel her rage as she uttered those names. Seryosong-seryoso ang mukha niya
kahit pa may maliit na ngisi sa labi niya.

"Bakit naman kita pagkakatiwalaan?" hindi napigilang tanong ko. "You played a part
in why Leon and I broke up. Sino sa tingin mo ang kinakausap mo?"

I didn't want to trust her, but she was right. Mahirap malaman ang itinatago ng
firm. Hindi ako puwedeng maging pabaya. I had to be as careful as I could if I
didn't want to blow my cover. Kaya hindi ako makakilos nang basta-basta lang. I was
taking a calculated risk.

"Kung 'yan lang ang dahilan mo kaya ayaw mong makipagtulungan sa 'kin, ngayon pa
lang, sasabihin ko na sa 'yong wala na akong pakialam kay Leon." She chuckled
sarcastically. "I loved him, yes . . . but I have someone else in mind now."

Umiling ako. "I still can't see any reason why we should work together."

"Para mapabilis, Mari," she insisted. "Your father trusts me, but even though I
know everything about him, I can't understand his stupid studies because I'm not as
smart as you."

Napatawa ako. "Then you're the stupid one."

"You think it's funny?" She scoffed.

Kinuha ko ang isang panlinis sa cart at inignora siya.

"You think you can get by in this company just by being a cleaner?" tanong niya pa.
"If you'll work with me, I'll convince your father to ask your opinion from time to
time. Lalo ngayon na namomroblema siya sa matatandang researchers. They can't give
him fresh ideas."

I grinned at her, not letting my guard down. "I don't trust you, Psyche. Gawin mo
ang gusto mong gawin, wala akong pakiala—"

"I'm a victim of physical and verbal abuse, Mari!" she shouted.

Napatigil ako sa paggalaw, hindi alam kung ano ang dapat gawin. I observed her, and
as a psychologist and counselor who had worked for a long time, I could tell she
was frustrated. Mabigat ang paghinga niya habang nakasarado ang mga kamao.

"I don't know what you're saying, Psyche," mahinang saad ko.

Without a word, she pulled up the bottom of her shirt.

Pinigilan ko ang mapasinghap nang makita ang pagpapatunay ng sinabi niya.

A scar.

It was so long that it ran from under her boob pass all the way to her belly
button.

Nakatitig pa rin siya sa akin nang pinasadahan niya iyon gamit ang daliri niya.

Like she knew where it was. Like she knew where the scar started and where it
ended.

"I got this from your mother, Amari . . ." she said.

Umiling ako. "S-She's never been a mother to me . . . you know that."

"Lucky you."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Hinihigit ng peklat na iyon ang atensyon ko. It was long,
deep, and harsh. Like, at a glance, you'd know how painful it was.

"Alam ng tatay kong nabuntis ni Percy si Valeen. Alam ng tatay ko na may anak sa
iba ang putanginang 'yon."

She put her shirt down.

"And you know what people do when they get hurt?" she asked. "They get even."

I was speechless. I wanted to stop listening to her, but I couldn't. Hindi ko alam
kung bakit ayokong marinig na ang babaeng pinagseselosan ko lang noon ay may hindi
magandang nakaraan.

For me, she had everything, and with a snap of her fingers, she could get anything
she wanted.

Kaya ngayong sinasabi niya sa aking biktima siya ng pang-aabuso . . . parang hindi
iyon maabot ng hinagap ko.

The woman I was jealous of was hiding something ugly . . . rotten.

"My father had an affair with a maid . . . you finish the puzzle," pagpapatuloy
niya.

I gritted my teeth, still trying to hold my senses.

"I have nothing to do with that, Psyche."

Her eyes were brimming with wrath as she glared at me. "Binubugbog ako ni Valeen
simula no'ng bata ako, Mari!"

Mariin akong napapikit.

"Buong araw niya akong ikinukulong sa cabinet kapag masama ang timpla niya!
Pinapaso niya ako ng upos ng sigarilyo kapag naaalala niyang anak ako ng
kasambahay! Tangina, kung hindi ko pa ako umiyak noon, ipapagahasa niya 'ko!" she
continued shouting as if she wanted me to realize how heavy her life had been.

My heart was pounding. I wasn't sure if it was because the psychologist in me was
already empathizing with her or what, but I was hurting . . . picturing what she
had gone through.

"Wala pa akong kamuwang-muwang, gusto na nila akong ipakasal sa lalaking hindi ko

naman kilala! How would you feel if you were in my shoes?! They controlled my life!
My father impregnated a maid, at nadurog ang pride ni Valeen! Kanino ibinuhos ang
galit? Sa akin!"

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi lalo at nakakarating sa akin ang gusto niyang
mangyari. My heart was clenching. I could imagine a little girl, innocent and
helpless, crying in the dark.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla kong naalala ang batang ako. That young Amari who
used to hide under the bed to cut her wrist. That young Amari who covered her mouth
so that her sobs wouldn't be heard.
Psyche and I lived in different worlds, yet our lives remained the same.

Binuksan ko ang mga mata ko at tumingin sa kanya.

She looked so angry . . . and pained. Pula ang mata niya at nag-aalab ang tingin sa
akin. She was heaving, panting. Like she was trying to control her emotions, but
she couldn't.

"For once in my life, I want to stand up for myself, Amari," mahinang sabi niya.
"Gusto kong tuparin 'yong pangako ko sa batang ako na kapag tumanda na 'ko, hindi
ko na kailangang umiyak . . . kasi kaya ko nang ipagtanggol ang sarili ko. Gusto
kong kapag humarap ako sa salamin, masabi ko sa taong nakikita ko na hindi niya na
kailangang matakot kasi malakas na 'ko . . . kasi kaya ko na."

A tear escaped her eye.

"Kaya kung ipinaglalaban mo ang pagmamahal mo kay Leon . . . ipinaglalaban ko naman

ang buhay ko, Mari."

I clenched my fist when my logic began to fall apart.

"I know that this firm is related to illegal drugs. Wala lang akong makuhang
ebidensya dahil magaling magtago sa mga salita si Percy. I don't understand him."
Umiling siya. "Leon isn't much of help. Hindi siya kagaya mo na agresibo. Hindi
niya sinuong ang dagat na sinusuong natin ngayon."

I stayed silent. I couldn't find the right words to say.

At mukhang napansin niya iyon.

"You know what? I don't care if you believe me or not. Sinabi ko na ang gusto kong
sabihin at wala na akong magagawa kung hindi mo pa rin ako paniniwalaan."

Ibinaba niya ang mga susi sa mesa.

"If you don't want to help me . . ." she whispered. "Please, just let me help you."

She walked by me, and before I could say anything, she got on the elevator and gave
me a nod as if she wanted me to proceed.

Ilang segundo pa akong natulala. Parang hindi ako binigyan ng mundo ng pagkakataon
para maproseso kung ano ang mga nangyari. Ni hindi ko manlang siya nasagot . . .
nakausap. Her experiences made me speechless and stoned to my feet. Kung hindi ko
pa naalalang may kailangan akong gawin ay hindi ako magsisimulang kumilos.

Idinikit ko ang maliit na recorder sa ilalim ng paa ng skeleton para hindi iyon
mapansin. It was voice-activated, so it would only start recording when a voice was
detected.

Gustong-gusto kong pagnilay-nilayan ang mga sinabi ni Psyche, pero ayokong mag-
aksaya ng oras. I knew she was being honest. Hindi niya ako para tulungan nang
ganito kung hindi.

I opened all the cabinets with the keys she gave me, and took as many pictures as
possible.

"Drop?" bulong ko nang makita ang kataka-takang pangalan ng envelope, taliwas sa

mga disorders na kadalasang pamagat ng mga nauna kong nakita.
Binuksan ko iyon at bumungad sa akin ang psychological reports and profiles ng mga
pasyente sa ka-partner na mental hospital ng firm. I was certain it was from that
hospital because it had their logo at the top of the paper.

Hindi ko alam kung para saan 'yon pero hindi ako nag-atubiling kuhanan iyon ng
litrato. There were many of them. Kung iisa-isahin ay lampas ng isang libo. The
envelope had sections for years, mental disorders, and prognosis.

Kung aaralin iyon ni Psyche na walang background sa psychological report

writing . . . hindi niya nga iyon maiintindihan. Most of the prognosis of the
patients was guarded. Kumbaga, mahirap ang mga case nila. Severe. Kung hindi
matutukan ay malaki ang posibilidad ng paglala.

"No visits," I whispered to myself.

Tinamaan ng lungkot sa nabasa. I realized that the patients had been abandoned by
their families. Walang bumisita sa kanila sa nakalipas na mga taon. May mga contact
information doon kaya minabuti kong picturan iyon isa-isa. I would try to contact
them.

Bubuklatin ko na sana ulit ang mga profile nang marinig ko ang pagtunog ng
elevator. Dali-dali kong ibinalik ang envelope sa cabinet at agad iyong isinarado.
I picked up the feather duster and pretended I was dusting the surface of the
table.

"Why did you assign her here, Psyche? Iniwan mo pa talaga! You know that this
office is the backbone of the firm."

My heart hammered at Mr. Mendoza's voice . . . but I could tell from the worry in
his tone that I had done something big. Hindi siya mag-aalala nang ganito kung wala
lang sa kanya ang mga dokumentong nandito.

"She's okay, sir. Kayo lang naman po ang may susi. Isa pa, kayo na rin po ang
nagsabi, 'di ba? What damage can she cause? She's just Amari."

Pinagpapasalamat ko na malawak ang office dahil hindi agad nila ako nakita.
Nagkaroon pa ako ng tyansang magpanggap na naglilinis talaga ako.

Psyche was doing her job . . . and she was really doing it well.

When I felt their presence, I put on my submissive, scared façade . . . just like
how Psyche put on her goody secretary mask.

We exchanged a knowing look, and right there and then, I knew I trusted her.

Mr. Mendoza . . . or dare I say, Percy, started looking at everything. Pilit kong
itinatago ang ngisi ko. Kung si Percy lang ang may susi . . . then why the hell
Psyche had one with her?

"Leave this floor now, Amari."

I wanted to scoff, but I knew I couldn't.

"Sorry po," I said instead.

Kinuha ko ang cart at itinulak iyon palapit sa elevator. I could hear my own
heartbeat. Excitement or fear. . . hindi ko alam. Marami akong nakuhanang
dokumento. Ang problema ko na lang ngayon ay kung paano ko makukuha ang recorder
pakatapos ng dalawang araw. Kusa kasing mamatay iyon dahil lowbatt na.
"Is everything okay, sir?" si Psyche.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I overreacted."

That was the last thing I heard before the elevator door closed.

Chapter 41 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 41

Dedicating this chapter to Pam! Thank you sa earrings and necklace! Nagamit ko siya
sa Boracay trip namin. Labyu!

***

From: Unknown Number

This is Psyche. I hope you get everything you need to start. I tried to open the
cabinet on my own, but I don't know what any of the papers say. Ayokong i-send kay
Leon dahil hindi naman iyon related sa kaso na gusto niyang buksan. Also, kahapon
lang ako nagkaroon ng chance na makuha ang susi ni Percy. I had every single one of
them replicated. Use them to help yourself.

Hindi ako lumabas ng apartment buong Sabado at Linggo. I tried to call the families
of the patients whose names were on the envelope, but none of them answered. Ang
iba, unattended pa.

Pinagtagpi-tagpi ko rin ang mga shredded documents na nakuha ko. It was dizzying to
do, but I did it anyway. Alam kong matagal bago ko pa matapos iyon kaya sinasabayan
ko ng pagbabasa ang pagdidikit. I had pictures of the documents printed, and most
of them were useless. Puro tungkol sa research na halos makikita rin naman online.

The only thing I was curious about was the profiles of the patients and why Mr.
Mendoza had copies of them. As far as I know, confidential ang mga ganoong
information. Kahit pa sabihing magka-partner ang firm at ang mental hospital, the
latter lacked the legal right to disclose the patients' personal data.

It was a big warning sign for me.

Paulit-ulit kong binasa ang research tungkol sa schizophrenia, PTSD, at iba pang
disorders. Sa ilalim ng methodologies ng bawat pag-aaral ay nakatala ang mga numero
na hindi ko malaman kung saan nanggaling. I just knew that it was a code . . . for
something.

Pabalik-balik ang isip ko kay Psyche at sa abusong natanggap niya. I wondered if it

was true, but based on the rage I saw in her eyes . . . I knew it was. Hindi niya
rin naman ako para tulungan nang ganito kung wala siyang galit kina Mr. Mendoza at
Valeen. Even the way she called their names was full of hatred.

At some point, I knew a part of me believed in her.

From: Psyche

Tell me if there's anything you want me to do. The company will celebrate its 35th
anniversary in about three months. I hope we're finished by then.

To: Psyche

How about the CCTV? Did he ask for it?

From: Psyche

I said I'd take care of it. Hindi naman siya pumalag.

I bit my lower lip. Percy really put his faith in her. Gaano kaya kasakit kapag
nalaman niyang niloloko siya nito?

To: Psyche

I'm trusting you, Psyche.

From: Psyche

I'll give you the right to kill me if I betray you. Hindi ako pagkakatiwalaan ni
Leon kung sinungaling ako. Siya ang unang nakaalam na nakapasok ako sa firm. I
promised him I'd collect evidence, but so far, all I've given him was Percy's
schedule.

Isang basa ko lang sa pangalan ng lalaki ay parang may tanikalang sumakal sa dibdib
ko.

To: Psyche

Stop mentioning him every time you have the chance to.

From: Psyche

You don't have to worry about a thing. Hindi ko naman aagawin sa 'yo.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi sa inis.

To: Psyche

I said, stop mentioning him.

From: Psyche

Leon is in love with you, Amari. Why are you so bitter?

To: Psyche

Hindi tayo close para alamin mo ang parteng 'yan ng buhay ko, Psyche. Don't ask
irrelevant questions.

From: Psyche

You don't realize how lucky you are to be loved like that. No'ng minahal ko si
Leon, ikaw ang mahal niya. Ngayon namang mahal ko si Juancho, may mahal din siyang
iba. Hahaha. The world hates pretty girls, I guess.

Kumunot ang noo ko sa nabasang pamilyar na pangalan.

To: Psyche
Juancho?

From: Psyche

My ex-fiance. 'Yong inayawan ko dati.

To: Psyche

You are so complicated.

From: Psyche

I know.

From: Psyche

And oh, I received an earful from Leon when I called him late at night before. He
said you were mad and he wanted me to apologize to you because you wouldn't listen
to him.

From: Psyche

It's late, but I'm sorry for everything, Amari. I hope you don't hate me too much.

Ang kasunduan namin ni Psyche ay isang bagay na hindi ko inaasahan. I wanted to

work alone because I didn't want to mess up my plans, but I knew that everything
would be sorted out easily if I had someone who could roam around the firm without
much trouble. Kung kikilos ako nang mag-isa ay baka taon ang abutin bago ko malaman
kung ano ang mga kabalbalang ginagawa ni Percy.

"You should've put the bug in the conference room or lab. Mas may makukuha ka roon.
Wala namang nangyayari sa opisina ni Percy. Aside from the documents . . . wala
nang importanteng nandoon," ani Psyche sa akin nang ipakuha ko sa kanya ang
recorder halos anim na araw matapos kong ilagay iyon sa opisina.

It was a smooth deal. I thought I was going to get caught like in the movies, but
with a mole on the inside, everything went without a hitch.

"Sa laboratory talaga dapat . . ." saad ko. "Pero wala naman kasing ibang
nakakapunta roon bukod sa head cleaner."

She nodded. "Kahit ako, hindi puwede roon. Scientists lang talaga. 'Yon na lang ang
parte ng firm ang hindi ko napupuntahan."

We were currently in her pad, talking about what we would do next. Hindi kami
puwedeng makita nang magkasama lalo at wala namang nakakaalam ng koneksyon namin.
Mahirap na. Baka mahalata kami.

Percy trusted her. Malaking bagay iyon. Ni hindi na nga personal na ichineck ng
lalaki ang CCTV noong nasa opisina niya ako. Hindi tuloy niya nalaman na walang
record noon.

"I can plant the bug in the conference room," suhestyon ni Psyche. "Ang alam ko ay
magkaka-meeting ulit sila this month."

I nodded. "Ilagay mo sa sigurado kang walang makakapansin."

"I could actually record the meeting with my phone. Nasa loob naman ako during the
meeting, so . . ." She shrugged. "Nag-mi-minutes ako."

Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. "Nasa meeting ka at wala kang naiintindihan?"

Sumimangot siya. "Don't use that tone on me! Masyadong scientific ang terms nila.
They're even using codes! Hindi ko talaga maiintindihan!"

I rolled my eyes in frustration. "Ganito, ilagay mo pa rin ang bug sa conference

room. Siguro naman ay may mga pumapasok doon kahit na walang meeting. We can
eavesdrop."

Tumango siya. "Tapos kukunin ko after two days, right?"

"Oo."

Nagpatuloy kami sa pagpaplano. She was sincere and a bit . . . innocent. Bagay na
hindi ko inasahan sa kanya. She smiled with her eyes. Kapag nag-iisip ay
nagsasalubong ang mga kilay niya at nagkakanda-haba-haba ang nguso.

"Paano mo nalamang involved ang firm sa illegal drugs?" I asked after a while.

Tinutulungan niya akong magdikit ng shredded documents at nakikita kong may talento
siya roon. Mabilis niyang napagtagpi-tagpi ang mga iyon. In just an hour, she
completed around 15 papers.

"I overheard . . . sa phone call," sagot niya. "Pinapagalitan ni Percy ang isa sa
mga anak niya na humihingi na naman ng cocaine. He said he didn't have 500 grams on
hand yet because his son had just asked about 700 two days ago. Mga ganoon. Hindi
ko na tanda . . . pero 'yon ang narinig ko."

I cursed under my breath. That was a lot.

"Makakuha lang tayo ng ebidensya na gumagamit din si Percy, puwede tayong mag-
request ng search operation."

"Do you think he doesn't have any informants working for the prosecution?" Umiling
ako. "We have a terrible legal system here, Psyche. We can't trust anyone because
justice is for sale."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

"Isa pa, hindi lang ebidensya ang kailangan natin," I continued. "Biktima."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "What do you mean?"

"Nathaniel and Nash were victims . . . voluntary victims," I replied. "Mahina ang
laban nila dahil ginusto rin nilang gumamit ng droga. They were influenced, yes,
but they shared the same guilt from the offenders because they made a pact with
them. Nagbenta pa sila."

"So . . . we need more victims?"

"Sana wala. As much as I wanted this to be done, I was kind of hoping this wouldn't
end up too badly. More victims mean more injustices." I shook my head. "Pero may
parte sa akin ang naniniwalang hindi lang ang kambal ang nakuha nilang
impluwensyahan. The fact that the police are turning a blind eye to Leon's appeal .
. . this has obviously been going on for a while."

Buong araw kaming magkasama ni Psyche sa pad niya. I didn't ask her more about the
abuse because it was a sensitive topic for her. Naka-shorts lang siya, at hindi ko
maiwasang malungkot tuwing nadadapuan ng tingin ko ang mga peklat sa itaas na
bahagi ng hita niya. They were ancient, but I was sure they weren't from an
accident but rather from years of abuse and maltreatment.

Umaarte siyang ayos lang ang lahat sa kanya. She even talked to Valeen on the phone
like she was an obedient daughter. Hindi ko tuloy maisip kung paano niya nagagawang
sikmurain ang pakisamahan ito.

"Bukas na lang ulit. I'm tired," pagpapaalam ko sa kanya bago kinuha ang mga gamit
ko.

"Uuwi ka na?"

I shook my head. "Baka sa library muna ako. I want to read."

Her expression soured. "Ayaw mong mag-sleep na lang? If you're tired, you need rest
. . . hindi information."

"Reading is my kind of relaxation, Psyche. Make it your habit, too. Baka

maintindihan mo ang meeting ni Percy."

She glared at me, but I was too worn out to argue. Mabilis kong nilisan ang lugar
para dumiretso na sa library. Mabuti na lang at iniwan ko sa pad niya ang mga na-
retrieve naming documents. Kung hindi ay kailangan ko pang bitbitin ang mga 'yon
papunta rito.

Percy and Valeen were hiding something. Sigurado ako roon. Hindi ko alam kung bakit
may ganoon akong naiisip, pero sa ugaling mayroon sila . . . parang lahat ng bagay
ay kaya nilang gawin. They abandoned me, their own daughter, for the sake of
keeping their reputations clean. Kung sila ang isa sa biggest drug dealers sa bansa
. . . it would make the headlines.

Imagine . . . a research firm operating as a ruse for drug trafficking. That would
be huge.

I took a deep breath when I reached the library. Doon lang naalis ang dalawa sa
isip ko nang makita ang estante ng mga libro.

I walked over it like a child in a candy store and grabbed half a dozen books.
Three were about psychology, one was about unspoken controversies, and the other
two were novels. Mabilis akong magbasa pero alam kong hindi ko matatapos lahat
iyon. Hihiramin ko na lang siguro 'yong hindi ko mababasa.

I didn't bother looking around the library or at everyone who was there. I sat down
and began reading right away, giving in to the desire for the written word and the
magic of literature.

I felt rested. Hindi talaga nagbago ang parteng iyon sa akin. I will always and
forever be a lover of learning. I was a student at heart . . . simula noon.

And I knew that my past relationship with Leon fueled that fire within me even
more. Na kahit na wala na siya sa buhay ko, naiwan naman sa akin ang isang bagay na
nagkonekta sa amin — ang kagustuhang matuto.

Matapos ang pagkikita namin sa Benguet at ang paghatid niya sa akin sa apartment ay
pinilit kong huwag nang makibalita pa sa kanya.

Sometimes, I would see him in Thaddeus' Facebook and Instagram stories. Sometimes,
in Shaira's. Hindi ako nagtatanong sa kanila. Kahit nang imbitahan nila ako para sa
isang hapunan ay tumanggi ako. I knew Leon would be there.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniiwasan ko. Si Leon ba . . . o ang posibilidad na may
iba na siya.

Gusto kong ang huling alaala niya sa akin ay ang mga panahong ako pa ang mahal
niya. I didn't want to go on living knowing that he had loved someone other than
me. I was his first and greatest love. I wanted to take that with me.

I couldn't help but chuckle. Tangina talaga. Kapag wala akong ginagawa, siya pa rin
ang laman ng utak ko. Miski sa pagbabasa, siya ang naiisip ko.

"Sir, nandito lang pala kayo! Hinanap po namin kayo sa office. Magpapapirma po kami
ng clearance. Kayo na lang po ang kulang nam—"

"Shh!"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa apat na bagong dating na estudyante. They had a funny
look on their faces after being scolded by the librarian. Dahan-dahan pa silang
naglakad papasok sa loob ng library, takot na gumawa ng kahit na anong ingay.

With a small smile on my lips, I looked at the teacher they were talking about, and
I knew that my fate was trying to play cupid again when I saw the man who had been
on my mind just a little while ago.

Wala akong nakuhang emosyon sa mukha niya nang magtama ang tingin namin samantalang
ako ay halos mapanganga na sa gulat. My heart was racing, and if not for the
aircon, I knew my forehead would be filled with sweat. I mean . . . he was just two
tables away from me! Magkaharap kami . . . at higit isang oras na ako rito!

"Sir, pasensya na po," saad ng isang babae.

I gulped when Leon's eyes remained fixed on me. Hindi namin naging estudyante ang
apat sa review kaya hindi ko sila agad nakilala.

"Alam po naming busy na kayo sa pag-aasikaso ng master's n'yo, pero kailangan po

naming makatapos," dagdag pa ng isa.

I lowered my gaze as my heart started to hurt again. There go the familiar needles
again. Nagtatampo na naman dahil walang balita sa lalaki.

"I signed everything already. Bakit ngayon lang kayo nagpapapirma?" I heard Leon
ask.

He sounded strict and scary. I would've run away if I were his student.

"Sorry po, sir."

"It's past my working hours," he continued. "Sinabi kong last week ang due date ng
pagpapapirma sa 'kin, 'di ba?"

"Working students po kami, sir. Naging busy po kami sa pagse-settle ng balance

namin sa accounting. Hindi na po namin naisip ang pagpapirma sa mga prof. Pasensya
na po."

There was a bit of silence before he spoke again.

"Na-settle n'yo ba?"

"Opo, sir. Kanina lang po."

I heard him sigh. "Give me your clearance. Pipirmahan ko na."

Pasimple akong sumulyap sa kanila at napangiti ako nang makita ang tuwa sa mukha ng
mga estudyante. Leon signed their forms, and when he was done, I returned my
attention to the book.

"Sir?"

"Sige na. Mag-dinner na kayo."

"Hindi na po kailangan . . ." mahinang saad ng isa. "May pera pa naman po kami."

"Sige na . . ." Leon said in a dismissive tone.

Warmth surrounded my heart when I realized what was going on. The students thanked
him non-stop before leaving the place.

Isang oras pa akong nanatili sa library. This time, my focus was not directed at
the book.

Gayunpaman, natapos ang araw na hindi kami mag-usap ni Leon. Ni hindi ko nga siya
nahuhuling nakatingin sa akin. He was just studying and reading, not minding my
presence. Siguro ay kanina niya pa rin ako nakita. Wala lang talaga siyang dahilan
para lapitan ako.

Akala ko ay isang beses lang mangyayari iyon, kaya ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang
makita ulit siya roon noong sumunod na Sabado . . . at noong sumunod ulit na
Sabado.

Same time. Same seat. Same nostalgic feeling.

His eyes were the first thing I always saw when I walked into the library. Paano ay
nakatingin agad siya sa entrance . . . na para bang may inaabangan siyang pumasok.
I would like to assume he was waiting for me if I didn't know he was tired of me.

Naupo ako sa dating upuan at pinilit ang sarili na huwag magpaabala sa presensya
niya. Hindi ko alam kung dapat bang maghanap na ako ng ibang library . . . o kung
baguhin ko ang oras ng pagpunta. Baka kasi ayaw niyang nandito ako.

Kung mayroon nga lang ibang library na bukas 24/7 ay hindi ako mag-aatubiling
lumipat. Hindi rin kasi ako makapag-focus kapag nandito siya.

Gaya ng una at pangalawang beses ay hindi naman kami nag-usap. Not that I was
expecting it. Mabuti nga 'yon. Hindi ko rin naman kasi kayang humarap sa kanya nang
walang nararamdamang hiya. I cried in front of him the last time we talked. Dapat
ay hindi na lang ulit ako nagpakita.

Pasulyap-sulyap lang ako sa kanya tuwing mapapagod ako sa binabasa. Seeing him that
close was enough to make my week. Pakiramdam ko ay siya ang regalo sa akin ng
langit. Every time he was near . . . it always felt like I had finally won a
victory over my inner demons. Parang ayos lang na mapagod ako buong linggo kung
siya naman ang makikita ko sa dulo.

"Nandito ka ulit sa Sabado?" tanong ng librarian nang pumunta ako sa desk niya para
mag-fill out ng form.
Nagbuntong-hininga ako bago umiling. Gusto ko sana, dahil siguradong nandito si
Leon . . . but seeing him three times in a row was enough for me. Gaya ng sabi ko
noon, ayokong pati sa presensya ko ay mapagod siya.

"Magbabago po ako ng schedule of visit," sagot ko. "Kahit weekdays. Monday or

Tuesday siguro. Bago ako pumasok sa trabaho . . ."

Nahihiya ako kay Leon. As much as possible, I wanted the world to be big enough so
that our paths would never cross again. Hindi para sa akin . . . kung hindi para sa
kanya. Kasi kung ako lang ang papipiliin, gusto kong laging nakikita siya. Kung
puwede nga lang ay hihilingin kong makasama ulit siya . . . kahit sa isang hapunan
lang. Kumustahan. Tawanan. Kuwentuhan.

But that was too demanding to ask for. Kailangan kong makuntento sa kung ano ang
ibinibigay ng tadhana sa amin.

A few days went by quickly. Araw-araw, pagkagaling sa graveyard shift ay tatlong

oras lang akong nagpapahinga. Matapos iyon ay magsisimula na ulit ako sa pag-aaral
ng mga study ng firm. Malaking tulong sa akin si Psyche dahil siya ang laging
nagbabalita sa akin kung ano ang nangyayari sa loob.

From: Psyche

Nailagay ko na ang bug. They're currently talking about another batch of drops,
probably about the medicine or something, and severe schizophrenia. I don't
understand a thing, but I'm recording everything using my spare phone.

To: Psyche

'Wag kang mag-text. Baka may makahalata sa 'yo. I'll be at your pad later. Parinig
ako.

Hindi naman na siya nag-reply. The shredded papers had already been glued, and the
more I learned about the experiments, the more doubtful I became.

From what I knew, drug development was a time-consuming, complex, and costly
process. Kaya hindi ko maiwasang magtaka kung gaano ba kagaling si Percy at
nagagawa niyang i-conclude agad-agad na good for consumption o hindi ang isang
gamot.

There wasn't enough information about the preclinical and animal trials for
effective medicines . . . hindi ko alam kung sa akin lang. Parang may kulang.
Parang masyadong minadali. There was also a lot of redundancy in the data, and I
couldn't help but wonder if some of the approaches used in the trials had just been
paraphrased. Para kasing kinokopya lang ang methods sa mga naunang
experiments . . . o baka ganoon lang talaga ang technique ng firm?

Hindi ko alam. Baka masyado lang akong nag-iisip. I wanted to find something dirty
so badly that I was already using confirmation bias. Naniniwala akong may masama
silang ginagawa kaya ang tinatanggap ko lang na impormasyon ay ang magkukumpirma sa
paniniwala ko.

And if I wanted to aim for something, I shouldn't be like that.

"We carried out a focused mass spectrometry examination of sphingolipids in the

cortex and corpus callosum of brain samples collected from people who had
schizophrenia . . ."

"See? First line, and I don't understand a thing," reklamo ni Psyche nang pakinggan
namin ang record ng meeting.

"Shh . . ." suway ko.

"And?"

It was Percy's voice.

"It is possible that patients with schizophrenia have overexpression of genes that
code for S1P-degrading enzymes, which results in lower quantities of S1P in the
corpus callosum. Increased gene expression for S1P receptors provided evidence for
the existence of a hypothetical therapeutic option in response to the decreased S1P
levels."

I sighed. Isang beses ko pang pinlay ang part na 'yon para intindihin pero walang
pumasok sa utak ko.

"Cut to the final findings."

It was Percy . . . again.

Muling sumagot ang scientist pero dahil hindi ko makuha ang sinasabi niya ay pinili
kong huwag na lang iyong pagtuunan ng pansin. His words were too complex and
technical. Kakailanganin kong basahin ang buong study kung gusto kong maintindihan
ang experiment.

"How many drops did you use?"

"180."

"Success rate?"

"37%."

"Stupido."

I heard a noise. Parang may itinapon si Percy sa lalaking nagsasalita.

"Yup. Nagkagulo kanina sa meeting. Nagalit ang magaling mong tatay."

"Bakit?"

Psyche shrugged. "Hindi ko alam. Basta hindi siya natuwa sa success rate."

"Don't bother reporting to me. Research that barely scrapes 50% is unacceptable to
me!"

Marami pang mga ingay sa record pero hindi na iyon importante. Bigo kong ibinalik
kay Psyche ang cellphone dahil wala akong nakuhang puwedeng i-relate sa mga pag-
aaral. Tuloy ay may maliit na parte sa akin ang naniniwalang malinis ang ginagawa
nila. Well, if it weren't for the illegal drugs . . .

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagpapanggap bilang cleaner sa firm. Hindi pa rin ako inilalagay
sa matataas na floors kaya wala akong napapala. Bukod sa mga shredded documents ay
wala na akong ibang naiuuwi.

I felt exhausted from everything. Pamilyar ang sakit ng katawan at pagkirot ng

sintido ko. Hindi ko rin naman kasi hinahayaan ang sarili na makapagpahinga.
Mahirap na. Baka dumiretso sa lagnat kapag pinansin ko. I was just being keen in
taking my vitamins.

"Hindi ako makakauwi mamaya," saad ni Mill. "May lakad ako."

Tumango ako. "Enjoy."

She pursed her lips. "Kumusta 'yong . . . sa tatay mo?"

Umiling lang ako dahil wala namang mahalagang nangyari . . . at para matapos na rin
ang usapan. Mukha namang naintindihan niya ako dahil hindi na siya nagtanong ulit.

Nang makaalis siya, imbes na magpahinga sa apartment ay pumunta ako sa library para
makahiram ng mga bagong libro. Napapagod na ang katawan ko sa mga ginagawa, pero
wala sa hinagap ko ang pagsuko. I just knew I needed more books because it was my
only hobby. Kapag naubusan ako ng binabasa ay tuluyan akong mawala sa wisyo.

I sighed as I took a good look at myself. I had paper cuts on my hands and dark
circles under my eyes. Kung makikita lang ako ng mga kaklase ko noong college ay
iisipin nilang walang nagbago sa akin — mukha pa rin akong walang pahinga.

I silently thanked the heavens when I didn't see Leon sitting on his spot. Hindi ko
kasi alam kung kaya kong pigilan ang sarili kapag nakita ko siya.

Baka magsumbong ako . . . magreklamo. Gustong-gusto ko pa namang makita ang pag-

aalala sa mukha niya.

When I took a seat, my back immediately began to tense up. Namanhid ang paa ko at
parang bawat parte ng katawan ko ay kumikirot sa sakit.

I heaved a sigh. Ngayon ko naramdaman ang sobrang pagod. Sa paglilinis at walang

tigil na paghahanap ng dumi ng firm.

Kaya minsan, hindi ko rin talaga gusto ang pagkakaroon ng maraming oras. Having
free time meant I could check on myself, and checking on myself meant I needed to
listen to my body and rest.

Hindi siguro maiintindihan ng iba, pero hindi ko kayang magpahinga kapag alam kong
marami pa akong dapat gawin . . . kapag alam kong hindi ko pa naibibigay ang lahat
ko. For me, resting felt like a sin when you had to do something.

From: Psyche

I think I saw something. Will keep you posted.

Sumubsob ako sa mesa at inignora muna ang mensahe niya para matulog saglit. Mabuti
nga at wala masyadong tao. Tahimik ang buong library kaya may pagkakataon akong
magpahinga. I knew this wasn't the place for that, but I had to go to work in six
hours, and going back to the apartment now might make me want to stay home instead.

Hinang-hina ako nang magising. It was already dark outside, and aside from the
librarian, I was the only person left inside. Walang laman ang tiyan ko pero hindi
ako nakakaramdam ng gutom. Sigurado akong magkakasakit ako bukas kung hindi ako
magpapahinga ngayon.

But then, may ilang oras naman ako para magpahinga bukas. Hindi ako puwedeng um-
absent na lang ngayon. Baka may importanteng mangyari sa firm. I couldn't afford to
take a break.

"Fuck," mahinang bulaslas ko nang mapaupo ako ulit. I couldn't stand on my knees!
Huminga ako nang malalim at itinuon ang kamay ko sa mesa. I stood up slowly,
supporting myself with the table. Tagumpay naman akong nakatayo dahil doon.

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad papunta sa desk ng librarian para ilista ang mga librong
hihiramin ko. I could feel my vision being hazy from the nausea I was feeling, but
I shrugged it off. Uupo na lang ulit ako mamaya at magpapatay ng oras. I've been
through this hell a lot of times. Madali na lang 'to.

But then, before I could even get to the desk, my knees gave out on me again,
forcing me to collapse to the floor. Isang malalim na hininga pa at tuluyang
nagdilim ang paningin ko.

My entire body was aching when I came back to consciousness. Hindi agad ako
nagmulat ng mata. Pinakiramdaman ko muna ang sarili. I was lying down on a mattress
with a comforter around me and a folded cold towel on my forehead. It was soothing
the heat in my body . . . bringing me to the realization that I was supposed to be
at the library.

Dahan-dahan kong minulat ang mata at halos mawalan ulit ako ng malay nang
mapagtanto kung nasaan ako.

I had only been here once since the renovations, but I was sure as hell this was
Leon's treehouse!

Kahit masakit ang ulo ay pinilit kong sumandal sa headboard ng kama. I took a deep
breath and tried to calm down because I thought I might be seeing things.

I mean . . . I was at the library! I was . . . reading, borrowing books! This must
be a dream or a hallucination! Imposibleng mapadpad ako rito! Maybe I was so dizzy
that I made up what I wanted to happen!

Pumikit ako at sinabunutan ang sarili. The comforter that had been covering my body
earlier rolled down to my thighs. Kahit ang towel na nasa noo ko ay tuluyang
nalaglag.

Goodness . . . even the surroundings smelled like him! Kung panaginip man 'to,
masyado naman 'tong detailed!

I heard footsteps that sounded like someone was climbing up to the attic to get to
the bed where I was resting.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kinabahan ako. Unti-unti akong nagmulat ulit ng mata at
nakumpirma kong hindi ako nananaginip nang tuluyang makita si Leon bitbit ang isang
tray. He was wearing a plain black sando and gray sweatpants as he placed the tray
on the bedside table. Walang mababasang kahit anong emosyon sa mukha niya kahit pa
nakita niyang gising na ako.

I cleared my throat nervously. "A-Ano'ng ginagawa ko rito?"

Parang sasabog ang puso ko sa kaba. Ramdam kong mainit ang buong katawan ko dahil
sa lagnat pero hindi ko magawang bumalik sa paghiga lalo at nasa gilid ko lang
siya.

"You passed out," he replied, his brow furrowed. "Sa library."

Napakurap ako. "Wala ka naman do'n . . ."

Umupo siya sa kama at kinuha ang tuwalyang nakapatong sa hita ko. Para akong
naestatwa. He folded it properly before putting it to the table. Magkasalubong pa
ang mga kilay niya habang ginagawa iyon. Tuloy ay hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng
hiya. Ang laking abala ko na naman.

"Sorry," bulong ko. "Hinayaan mo na lang dapat ako ro'n. Kaya ko naman."

Lalong lumalim ang kunot sa noo niya. Hinarap niya ako at walang salitang ipinatong
ang kamay niya sa noo ko.

"Mainit ka pa. Magpahinga ka muna," he said in a monotone.

Kung hindi lang maganda ang sinabi niya ay iisipin kong galit siya.

Umiling lang ako. I couldn't stay here any longer.

Magsasalita na sana ako nang muling kumirot ang sintido ko. I creased my forehead
in the hopes that it would help the pain subside a little.

Tumikhim ako. "U-Uuwi na lang ako, Leon. Maayos naman na ang pakiramdam ko."

"Mainit ka pa, Amari," agad na saad niya.

I chuckled gently. "H-Hindi! Okay lang. Mawawala rin 'yan agad. Hindi pa pati ako
nakakapagsabi sa head na wala ako ngayon sa trabaho. Kailangan ko silang i-
contact."

Agad na dumaan ang galit sa mga mata niya. "You fainted . . . hindi mo ba
naiintindihan?"

Umawang ang labi ko. "N-Naiintindiha—"

"I was observing you at the library for an hour, and you couldn't even stand on
your feet . . ." he muttered, cutting me off. "Tapos sasabihin mong okay ka lang?
You were pale then, and you are still pale now. Alam na alam mong kailangan mong
magpahinga kapag hindi na kaya ng katawan mo, Amari. Bakit ba inaabuso mo ang
sarili mo?"

I just watched him as he scolded me. Punong-puno ng pag-aalala ang mukha niya. His
voice was soft, but the way he said those words showed that he was, somehow . . .
in charge . . . of me.

"Simula college, gan'yan ka na. Trabaho ka pa rin nang trabaho kahit na alam mong
hindi mo na kaya. Eh, sa sobrang hilo mo kanina, hindi mo 'ko nakita . . ." dagdag
niya pa, mas malumanay at malambing na. "And now you'll laugh like seeing you pass
out didn't almost kill me."

Tahimik lang ako habang pinakikinggan ang mabibigat na paghinga niya.

Yumuko ako at pinaglaruan ang mga kamay ko. It was nearly midnight, but instead of
resting, here he was, taking care of me. Kaya siya napapagod, eh. Kahit hindi naman
kailangan, ginagawa niya. Hindi niya naman ako responsibilidad. Hindi rin ako para
magalit kung sakali mang iwan niya lang ako roon . . . o kung paupuin niya lang ako
sa isa sa mga silya sa library.

"Ayoko lang makaabala, Leon . . ." nanghihinang saad ko.

Silence engulfed us. Alam kong marami pa akong kailangang gawin. Psyche said she
saw something, and I needed to know what it was. I also had to tell the head
cleaner that I was sick so she wouldn't be confused as to why I wasn't at work
today. Dumagdag pa 'tong si Leon . . . todo iwas nga akong mag-krus ang landas
namin tapos lumalapit pa siya.

"Saka na tayo mag-usap kapag maayos na ang pakiramdam mo."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya at agad na nagsalubong ang mga mata namin.

At that moment, I felt like I was looking at the same Leon who used to hold me
close to his heart . . . the Leon who loved me. Mapungay ang mga mata niya at
nakaawang ang labi habang pinagmamasdan ako. He seemed intoxicated . . . pleading
and longing for something.

Inalalayan niya ako pahiga, ang mga mata ay tutok pa rin sa akin. He fixed my hair
so gently and covered my body with his comforter as if he couldn't stand seeing me
cold. Nilagay niya rin ang bagong hugas na tuwalya sa noo ko bago itinuon ang kamay
niya sa gilid ng ulo ko.

He looked at me for a long time, as if he were trying to remember every part of my

face. Naninikip ang dibdib ko sa saya at sakit. Saya dahil pakiramdam ko ay mahal
niya pa ako. Sakit dahil hindi ako sigurado.

Tired and sick, I closed my eyes and just felt the world's another gift to me.
Sulitin ko na 'to ulit. Baka hindi na ulit mangyari. Baka ito ang daan ng tadhana
para regaluhan ako dahil masyado akong napagod sa mga nagdaang araw.

But then, before I fell unconscious, I heard him say something that left me
confused.

"Live well and be happy?" he whispered. "I'm sorry, but there's only one way I can
do that, Amari . . ."

Chapter 42 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 42

The humid air combined with the faint sounds of laughter awakened me from my
slumber.

Unti-unti kong binuksan ang mga mata at agad na napagtantong maayos na ang
pakiramdam ko. There were beads of sweat on my neck and forehead. May nakatalukbong
pang makapal na kumot sa akin kaya lalo akong nainitan.

"Lower your voice. Magigising ang Ate Amari n'yo . . ." narinig ko ang boses ni
Leon mula sa baba.

Hindi muna ako bumangon. I was still feeling myself.

Alam kong nasa treehouse ako ni Leon at siya ang nag-alaga sa akin buong gabi. I
could still remember him waking me up so that I could take my medicine. I also felt
him replace the towel on my forehead several times during the night. Nasa bedside
table pa nga ang thermometer at ang pinagbabanlawan niya ng tuwalya. Ang pagkain sa
tray ay hindi ko na rin pala nagalaw.

"Nag-a-advance reading ako, kuya. Puwede akong magpaturo kaya sa kanya?"

I smiled to myself. I was assuming it was Nathaniel.

"Sa akin ka na magtanong. Inabala mo na siya sa pag-e-enroll mo . . ."

"Luh! Nag-volunteer kaya siya!"

"Kahit na," sagot ni Leon. "Tingnan mo. Nagkakasakit na sa pagod."

Sumandal ako sa headboard ng kama at pinagpatuloy ang pakikinig sa kanila.

So . . . Nathaniel already told Leon he would start schooling again? That's good.
Susuportahan naman siya ng lalaki sa gusto niya. I'm sure Leon was glad to hear
that his brother wanted to return to school . . . despite what happened in the
past.

"Namayat nga siya . . ." It was Nash. "Kasalanan mo 'yon, kuya."

Nag-init ang mukha ko nang marinig ang pagtawa ni Nathaniel.

"Hindi naman sila, Nash. No'ng nakausap ko si Ate Amari, parang malabo nang
magkabalikan sila."

I bit my lower lip when I noticed they were talking about us like we weren't there.
Inalis ko ang comforter sa katawan at gumilid na para maghanda sa pagbaba. I should
let them know I was awake already.

"Ang sabi pa niya, parang okay na siya na wala si Kuya."

Napatigil ako sa pagkilos nang marinig iyon. I didn't say that!

"Eh?" si Nash.

"Oo. Kaya ayos lang din kahit 'wag na silang magkabalikan. Masaya naman na si Ate."
Tumawa pa siya. "Mukhang ayaw na rin naman ni Kuya . . . 'wag na nating ipilit."

Gustong-gusto ko siyang babain at bungangaan pero hindi pa sapat ang lakas ko. I
was just writhing with confusion and anger. Wala naman kasi akong sinabing ganoon!

Tahimik lang si Leon. Hindi rin naman ako umaasang may sasabihin siya tungkol doon.
I mean, Nathaniel made it clear to me that he would start meeting other women
again. Syempre, hindi na big deal sa kanya kung malaman niyang ayos lang sa akin
ang . . . pagtatapos namin.

"May i-da-date na rin yatang iba si Kuya . . ."

Well, speaking.

"Seryoso ba?! Ayoko!" sigaw ni Nash.

Leon didn't say anything, confirming my thoughts.

Sino kayang minamata niyang babae? Was she . . . prettier? Kinder? May bahagi sa
puso ko ang umaasang hindi. Parang ayokong pumayag na may mas hihigit sa akin sa
mata ni Leon kahit pa sabihing hindi naman ako . . . mabait.

"Kuya?! Hindi puwede. Hindi ko papayagan 'yan! Bahala ka," pagpapatuloy ni Nash.
"Aagawin ko sa 'yo si Ate Amari."

"Hindi ka papatulan no'n!" natatawang saad ni Nathaniel. "Gusto no'n matalino,

guwapo, at marunong sa gawaing bahay. Sablay ka sa lahat."

I heaved a sigh as I stood up. They were having a great morning . . . ayokong
sirain 'yon ng pag-iisip ko. I should be happy that Leon was open to meeting new
people. Hindi naman tamang ikulong niya lang ang sarili sa akin.

Tahimik kong niligpit ang pinaghigaan ko kahit may kaunti pang bigat ang katawan
ko. Must be from lying for too long. Hindi naman kasi ako sanay na magpahinga nang
matagal. Which reminded me to thank Leon later. Siya na naman ang naabala ko sa
pagkakasakit ko . . . gaya lang noong nag-monthsary kami noon. Instead of
celebrating, he spent the night taking care of me.

I chuckled inwardly. Kaya siya napapagod, eh. Lagi na lang siya ang nag-aalaga.

I was about to go down the attic because they hadn't noticed I was awake yet when I
heard Leon talk.

"Sino'ng may sabing malabo kaming magkabalikan, Nathaniel?"

Agad kong tinakpan ang bibig nang kumawala roon ang may kalakasang pagsinghap. My
eyes widened as my heart beat furiously against my chest.

He said it so casually . . . so sudden. Hindi ko alam kung tama bang lagyan ko ng

ibang kulay ang sinabi niyang iyon.

"Kuya?" It was Nathaniel's voice.

"Wala," sagot naman ni Leon. "Bumalik na kayo sa terminal. Ayokong maabutan kayo ng
Ate Amari n'yo rito at kung ano-ano ang lumalabas sa bibig n'yo."

"Eh, narinig ko naman talagang gusto mo nang makipag-date, eh!" Nathaniel argued.

"Tara, bal. Kulit mo na masyado," pang-aasar naman ni Nash. "Iwan na natin muna ang
mag-asawa."

I went back to bed and laid down so they wouldn't know I was awake. From the attic,
I saw the twins leave the place. Higit-higit pa ni Nash si Nathaniel na mukhang
gusto pang makipagtalo kay Leon.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko kakalmahin ang sarili. I might be overthinking things,
but at some point, I saw a bit of hope in working things out with Leon again. Alam
kong hindi dapat umaasa sa mga bagay na wala pa namang kumpirmasyon, pero hindi ko
maiwasang mag-isip kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin.

So . . . unlike me, he didn't think it was impossible for us to get back together,
right?

Akala ko . . . pagod na siya sa 'kin? Akala ko ayaw niya nang mahalin ako? He made
it clear to me. Ang pag-iwas at panlalamig niya ay malaking sampal sa akin. He said
I was tiring . . . and for me, it was the final nail in the coffin of our
relationship.

Umiling ako bago bumalik sa pagkakaupo sa dulo ng kama.

Ayan ka na naman, Amari. Masyado ka na namang nag-iisip. Maybe he was just

genuinely interested in who asked that question. Hindi naman dapat nilalagyan ng
malisya. You were tiring, and you couldn't keep hoping that someone who was fed up
with you would love you again.
Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagninilay-nilay nang makita ko si Leon na umaakyat sa
attic. Our gazes met in an instant, and I noticed a trace of shock in his eyes as
he realized I was awake . . . and that I had already made the bed.

Isang segundo lang ng tinginang iyon ay bumalatay sa puso ko ang labis na

pangungulila sa kanya.

Hindi ko alam . . . nasisiraan na yata ako ng bait. He was standing right in front
of me, his eyes soft and kind, but I still felt he was out of my reach.

Lagi ko na lang siyang . . . miss. Malayo o malapit. Miss na miss ko siya.

"Worry about yourself, Mendoza . . . because I'm done doing that for you."

"I can't take it . . . so just leave all at once. Para tapos na."

"I've fought hard and long enough. Gusto ko na lang magpahinga."

"Nakakapagod ka nang mahalin, Amari . . ."

I tried my best to give him a smile. He deserved at least that. Inalagaan niya ako
buong gabi. Hindi tamang magdrama ako sa kanya ngayong umaga.

"Hi," I said. "K-Kagigising ko lang."

Lumapit siya sa gilid ng kama at inayos ang mga gamit sa bedside table. Inilagay
niya ang lahat ng nandoon sa tray bago humarap sa akin.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, his voice weak and gentle.

I checked on myself. Maayos na ang pakiramdam ko. Hindi na masakit ang ulo, pero
may kaunting bigat pa rin sa katawan. One bath could soothe all this pain.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango sa kanya. "Okay na . . ."

His chest heaved as his gaze fell to the tray, poking his tongue against the inside
of his cheek. Ipinaling ko ang ulo sa kaliwa at malayang pinakatitigan siya.

He was so handsome and kind and gentle and . . . just perfect. Ilang taon din akong
gumising na siya ang nakikita ko. It was such a treat to see him first thing in the
morning again.

"Wala nang masakit sa 'yo?" walang tinging tanong niya.

"Wala na . . ." Umiling ako. "Thank you. Ang galing mo talagang mag . . . alaga."

I chuckled nervously after saying that. Ibinaba ko ang tingin sa mga kamay at
paulit-ulit na huminga nang malalim. I was sure I looked like a total mess, but
that was the last thing on my mind now. Talking to him in the morning, being
casual, and smelling his natural scent, similar to what he left on our pillowcases,
felt like a dream.

It was funny because you could only really appreciate someone once they left your
life. Noon namang nilalapit-lapitan niya pa ako ay hindi ganito katindi ang
pangungulila ko sa kanya. Now, the only things left for me were the "what ifs" and
"should have beens."

"Nagluto ako ng kare-kare . . ." biglang aniya. "May mushroom soup din."
I felt a warm embrace in my soul. Alam niya pa rin.

"Okay," bulong ko. "Iwan mo na 'yong tray d'yan. Ako na ang magbababa."

I lifted my head and immediately caught him eyeing me. Lumunok ako bago ibinaling
ang tingin sa tray.

"Sorry pala sa ano . . . sa abala," dagdag ko. "Hayaan mo, hindi na mangyayari ulit
'yon."

"Hindi na talaga dapat," may kariinang sagot niya.

Isang beses akong tumango. "Sige na . . . mag-aayos lang ako saglit. Susunod ako sa
'yo sa baba."

I heard him sigh. "You want to take a bath first?"

Namimilog ang mga mata kong napatingin sa kanya kasabay ng agad na pagdapo ng ilang
sa sistema ko.

"Mabaho na ba 'ko?" I asked tensely as I sniffed my top.

Amusement passed through his eyes for a second before he shook his head.

"Vanilla," he replied.

Napakurap ako. "Huh?"

Muli siyang umiling. Naglakad siya papunta sa dulo ng hagdan ng attic bago tumingin
ulit sa akin.

"Sumunod ka agad sa 'kin. Paiinumin pa kita ng gamot mo."

Hindi pa ako nakakapag-react ay bumaba na siya. I watched his broad back disappear
from my line of sight before I put my hand over my chest to feel the rapid beating
of my heart. Pumikit ako at paulit-ulit na ikinalma ang sarili. May kirot ng sakit
at . . . saya. The latter felt forbidden to feel, but something in my core was
really, really happy.

I finger-combed my hair before keeping it up in a messy bun. Walang nagbago sa suot

kong t-shirt at pantalon kaya hindi ako masyadong komportable. Hindi ko naman
kayang manghiram ng cotton shorts kay Leon dahil siguradong hindi iyon kasya sa
akin. Isa pa . . . nahihiya ako.

I looked around and saw a white t-shirt folded up nicely on the small chair next to
the bedside table. Walang pag-aatubiling kinuha ko iyon at binuksan. It was big and
loose . . . puwede nang gawing bestida. Hindi naman siguro magagalit si Leon kung
gagamitin ko muna 'to. Lalabhan ko rin naman.

Without thinking, I took off my top and pants.

"Amari!"

Napaigtad ako sa sigaw ni Leon sa baba.

"Nakikita kita!" pahabol niya pa.

Agad kong isinuot ang t-shirt, bahagyang natataranta pa.

"Sorry!" I shouted back. "Nalimutan ko."

"Bilisan mo na d'yan."

Lumabi ako. "Ang arte. May underwear naman."

I heard him curse a few times, and when I peeked at him, he was already glaring at
the attic where I was. May dala siyang pinggan at baso.

Lalo akong napanguso. It wasn't like it was his first time seeing me in my
underwear. Ang tagal-tagal naming nagsama sa iisang bubong.

"Bababa na . . ." I said, sulking a bit.

Napansin ko ang pag-irap niya bago siya lumapit sa mesa para ilagay roon ang
utensils. Magkasalubong ang mga kilay niya na para bang malaki ang atraso sa kanya
ng mga kutsara.

I helped myself by sitting down on a chair. Magkatabi niyang inilagay ang pinggan
namin kaya hindi na ako nagulat nang higitin niya ang silya sa gilid ko para
makaupo na rin.

Walang imikan sa pagitan namin. Aabutin ko na sana ang plato niya para lagyan iyon
ng pagkain nang ibaba niya ang kamay ko. He grabbed my wrist and put it on my lap,
his brows still furrowed.

"Ako na," saad niya. "May sakit pa, eh . . ."

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. "Wala na."

"'Wag munang pasaway, Amari."

"Para namang ang hirap magsandok ng pagkain," giit ko.

Lumingon siya sa akin at sinamaan ako ng tingin. "Nahimatay ka kahapon. Paano kapag
nabinat ka?"

I sighed as I slowly leaned back against the chair.

"Hindi mo naman ako kailangang alagaan, Leon. Kapag nabinat, edi iinom ng gamot.
Magpapahinga," I answered. "Sa susunod, 'wag ka nang mag-abala."

Hindi na siya sumagot. He took my plate and put food on it. Nilagyan niya rin ng
tubig ang baso ko at mushroom soup naman sa mangkok.

We ate our breakfast in utter silence. Being together for years, he knew the exact
amount I could eat. Kapag nauubos ko pa ang laman ng baso ay nagsasalin agad siya
ng tubig doon. Pinainom niya rin ako ng gamot na nakahanda na agad sa mesa.

It was by far the most appetizing breakfast I'd had in weeks. Hindi ko alam kung
dahil ba iyon sa na-miss ko ang luto niya o dahil siya ang kasama ko sa pagkain.

The last time I'd been here in his treehouse, he shoved me away. Tinutubuan tuloy
ako ng hiya. Baka isipin niyang masyadong makapal ang mukha ko para bumalik pa sa
lugar niya.

While he was cleaning our plates, I looked around and noticed that our pictures
weren't there anymore. Bakante na ang picture frame kung saan nakalagay ang larawan
namin.
Hindi ko maiwasang masaktan sa kakarampot na detalyeng iyon.

He removed it for sure. Mali pala talaga ang pag-iisip kong hindi imposible sa
kanyang magkabalikan kami. Kasi syempre . . . sino ba namang gugustuhing makasama
ulit ang isang taong pinagod ka na, 'di ba? Hindi naman tanga si Leon.

"Aalis na 'ko," I said after a while.

Mula sa lababo ay tumingin siya sa akin. "You won't rest here?"

Bahagyang umawang ang labi ko bago unti-unting umiling.

"May kailangan pa akong gawin." I heaved a sigh, remembering Psyche and her text
message. "Thank you sa pag-aalaga. I feel better now."

Lumapit siya sa hand towel at ipinunas ang kamay roon.

"Ihahatid na kita," saad niya bago pinasadahan ng damit ang suot ko. "You can't
leave wearing only that."

I shook my head instantly. "Magbibihis ako!"

"Hindi na. Mas komportable ka d'yan," he uttered with finality. "I'll just put your
clothes in a paper bag. Sit on the couch first. Hintayin mo 'kong matapos."

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi sundin ang gusto niyang mangyari. Isa pa, tinatamad
din naman akong magbihis. The thought of putting on my pants already exhausts me.

My eyes followed Leon as he moved around the house. Bukod sa mga damit ko ay
naglagay rin siya ng mga kung ano-ano pa sa paper bag. If I wasn't seeing things,
he also included a tumbler inside. Hinayaan ko lang siya dahil alam kong hindi
naman siya magpapapigil.

"Let's go," he said after closing the doors and windows.

Sumunod lang ako sa kanya. He opened the door of his car for me and assisted me
inside. Siya na rin ang nagsuot sa akin ng seatbelt, at kung nasa katinuan lang ako
ay iisipin kong itinatrato niya ako na para akong paralisado.

"'Wag ka munang gumawa ng kahit ano. Hindi kita isinugod sa ospital kahapon dahil
baka mahawahan ka pa ro'n. Hindi naman kita maiwan sa apartment n'yo lalo at sarado
ang mga ilaw," litanya niya habang nasa byahe kami. "Sino ang titingin sa 'yo? Nasa
apartment na ba si Mill?"

I bit my lower lip to suppress a smile. He sounded so worried.

"Kaya ko naman."

"I know. I just hate it when you don't get as much rest. Hindi madaling magkasakit
ngayon." Hindi pa rin siya nagpatalo.

His concern now was a surprise to me . . . kahit pa natural naman sa kanya ito. He
was always serious and gentle with me. Nakakapanibago lang dahil sinabi niya nang
tapos na siyang mag-alala sa akin.

Nakakainis. Mukhang matatagalan yata talaga ako sa pagkalimot sa kanya. He was

giving me far too many things to remember. Kapag kasama ko siya, parang ang sarap
umasang puwede pa.
Ang dami na naming napagdaanan. He was there when I had nothing. He empowered me as
a partner would, and cherished me in a manner that I had never been cherished
before. Minahal niya ako sa paraang nagawa ko ring mahalin ang sarili ko. My heart
had been shattered ever since we broke up, and I was certain that he had taken
every last piece of it with him when he left.

"Alam kong paulit-ulit na, pero salamat sa pagtingin sa akin buong gabi, Leon," I
muttered after a while, realization finally setting in. "I slept on your bed, tapos
. . . hindi ka pa nakapasok ngayon sa trabaho dahil sa 'kin. I appreciate it, but
at the same time, I don't want you to do that again."

Huminga ako nang malalim. A small part of me was still hoping for a second chance,
but a bigger part was slowly accepting our fate. Mahihirapan akong makaahon.
Sigurado ako roon. Pero ngayon pa lang, ipinapangako ko na sa sariling babaunin ko
ang mga alaala namin.

"You're tired of me, Leon . . ." I said weakly. "You have to remember the pain of
being with me . . . para sa susunod na makita mo 'ko, hindi mo na ako papansinin,
hindi mo na kailangang mag-alala."

Nakatingin lang ako sa bintana ng kotse habang patuloy siya sa pagmamaneho. The
scene was too familiar and the feeling was still the same. Masakit . . . pero hindi
gaya dati, hindi na sobrang bigat. I didn't know what happened to me. Siguro dahil
sa ngayon, kuntento na ako sa kung anong kayang ibigay sa akin ng mundo.

If Leon was too much to ask for, at least, the world had granted me a decade to be
loved by him.

"Instead of taking care of me, take care of yourself, too," I whispered, slowly
setting my eyes on him.

He had a serious expression again. Mariin ang hawak niya sa manibela at madilim ang
mga matang nakatutok sa daan.

"Make your own happiness a priority instead of worrying about pleasing others," I
continued. "Tapos kapag okay ka na . . ." I breathed deeply as I smiled at him.
Kahit hindi siya nakatingin. I just gave him my warmest and sincerest smile.
"Magmahal ka ulit."

His lips parted instantly. Bahagyang bumagal ang takbo ng sasakyan bago siya dahan-
dahang lumingon sa akin.

I kept my smile. I meant it. I didn't know if it was the meal, our conversation,
the beauty of the morning, or just the way he talked to his brothers that made me
say that. Basta ang alam ko, kailangan niyang sumaya. He went through a lot because
of me, and all he deserved was peace. Naging mabuti siyang anak, kapatid,
estudyante, at kasintahan. If he ends up falling in love with someone . . . sige
na, kahit hindi na ako . . . basta masaya siya, okay na rin ako.

I don't really get myself sometimes. May mga oras na gusto kong akin lang siya,
pero may mga ganito ring pagkakataon na gusto kong makalayo na siya nang tuluyan sa
akin. It was like my id and superego were in a battle. My id wanted to be selfish
and keep him, but my superego wanted him to be free from the pain I caused him.

And right now, the latter was winning.

I saw him gulp as he returned his gaze to the road.

"Ikaw . . ." he said, his voice faint.

"Hmm?"

He moved the bridge of his glasses as his chest heaved.

"Magmamahal ka . . . ulit?"

Bahagya akong natulala sa tanong niya. It took me a minute before I could answer.

"H-Hindi ko alam . . ." I tried to chuckle, but failed. "Puwedeng oo, puwedeng
hindi. Bahala na . . ."

Lalong nagdilim ang mga mata niya. A side of his lips rose a bit, but I knew he was
serious.

"You have someone in mind?"

Agad akong umiling. "W-Wala!"

He chuckled sarcastically. "Bakit parang sigurado ka?"

I swallowed hard as I held onto my seatbelt. "We don't know what the future holds,
Leon."

"Pero sinabi mo kay Nathaniel na imposible nang magkabalikan tayo?"

Umawang ang labi ko. "W-What . . ."

He shook his head, still wearing the cynical grin on his lips. He didn't find the
situation funny. I was sure of it. He was . . . upset.

"I understand. I'm going to take my time and improve myself. I'll try to make
myself a priority, too."

Hindi ako makabawi agad. Para akong mahihimatay ulit dahil sa mga sinasabi niya. My
eyes were slightly hazy because of my racing heart. And at that moment, I saw
nothing but him. Nakakabingi ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko na para bang anumang
oras ay kakawala iyon sa dibdib ko.

Nang tumigil ang sasakyan ay hindi agad ako nakakilos. He looked at me, and I felt
like everything around me crumbled down.

"And yes . . . I'll love again," he said in a low, commanding voice. "And when that
time comes, I'll make sure I've had enough rest."

I didn't know how I managed to get home safe and sound that morning. I took a
shower to forget all the hopeful thoughts lingering in my head and tried to focus
on what needed to be done. Wala si Mill sa apartment, siguro ay nasa trabaho na.

Nang binuksan ko ang paper bag na padala ni Leon ay nakita ko ang mga gamot roon
na, sa palagay ko, ay good for 1 week. The tumbler was also full of mushroom soup
that he made. May pabaon pang kare-kare sa may kalakihang tupperware.

I thought about taking the day off, but the world wouldn't let me, because as soon
as I sat down on the couch, my phone started to ring.

I grunted. Kacha-charge ko lang!

"Hello, who's this?" I asked as I picked up the call from an unknown number.

"Hi, tumawag po kayo sa akin nang ilang beses noon . . . hindi ko alam kung tanda
n'yo."

Kumunot ang noo ko at muling napatingin sa numero. It was the voice of a girl . . .
probably in her early or late 20's.

"I'm sorry?" I said because I didn't remember calling her.

"Ngayon lang po ako nakatawag dahil ngayon lang po ako nakapagpa-load. Hindi ko
naman po nasagot ang tawag n'yo kasi wala ako sa bahay no'ng tumawag kayo."

Napaisip ako kung sino-sino ba ang mga tinawagan ko. This girl was unfamiliar, and
I was sure I hadn't met her yet.

Tawag . . . tawag. Who did I call?

Mabilis na nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang mapagtanto ang kung sino ang posibleng
tumatawag. I went straight to my stack of papers and began to go through them.

"Hi, yes! I'm sorry about that," natatarantang saad ko. "I was sick yesterday.
Nawala sa isip ko."

Hinalughog ko ang mga profile at report ng mga pasyenteng nakita ko sa cabinet ni

Percy at inisa-isa iyon. I made a mental note of the calling number and quickly
scanned the papers to find it.

"Uhm . . . I'm Ms. Mendoza, and I'm a licensed psychologist, psychometrician, and
counselor," pagsisimula ko habang hinahanap pa rin ang dokumento. "My supervisor
handed me your contact info," pagsisinungaling ko. "You haven't visited the
hospital, 'no? Gusto lang naming malaman kung kailan ka puwedeng makabisita . . ."

Halos mapasigaw ako sa tuwa nang makita ang contact info niya sa papel ng isang may
katandaang lalaki. Hinanap agad ng mata ko ang relationship nila bago bumalik sa
sofa bitbit ang profile nito.

I scanned the document immediately, my heart racing with tension.

The patient was diagnosed with schizophrenia and had a guarded prognosis. He had
severe symptoms such as auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations, grandiose and
persecutory delusions, abnormal psychomotor behavior; and disorganized speech,
specifically incoherence.

Tiningnan ko ang assessment measure ng clinician tungkol sa psychotic symptom

severity ng pasyente at may kumirot sa dibdib ko nang makitang matataas ang rating
sa kanya ng clinician.

"Hindi ko po kayo maintindihan," saad ng babae sa telepono.

I had to blink to get my mind back on track.

"Walang nakatalang record kung kailan mo nabisita si Mr. Bargola. Do you plan to
visit anytime soon?"

"Huh?! Nakita na po ba siya?"

Kumunot ang noo ko.

"Dadalaw po ako kung nakita na! Sigurado po ba kayong ang tatay ko 'yan?! Kailan pa
po nakita?!"

"W-What do you mean?"

"Labing dalawang taon nang nawawala ang tatay ko, doc! Paano namin mabibisita kung
tumakas siya, 'di ba?! Kailan pa po siya nakita at bakit ngayon n'yo lang 'to
sinasabi sa akin?!"

Pakiramdam ko ay nawalan ako ng kulay sa narinig.

"I'm sorry, I-I think I might need some details, ma'am . . ."

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga sa kabilang linya. "Bago ka ba d'yan at hindi mo

alam?"

My lips quivered. "Y-Yeah."

"Tatlong taon pagkatapos naming i-confine si Tatay d'yan sa ospital, tumakas siya .
. . naglayas. Maghahabla sana kami ng kaso laban sa inyo dahil sarili n'yong
kapabayaan 'yan, pero binayaran si Nanay nang malaking halaga at nag-hire din kayo
ng mga pulis para tulungang mahanap si Tatay," pagkukwento niya. "Hanggang ngayon,
walang lead kung nasaan siya. Sumuko na kami dahil lampas isang dekada na."

I clenched my fist as my heart began to sink.

"Kaya ngayong sinasabi mong bibisita kami . . . sigurado ka ba sa mga pinagsasabi

mo? Nakita na ba talaga ang tatay ko?"

I slowly shook my head, not knowing what to say.

"I'm . . . I'm sorry," I breathed out. "I-I mixed up my documents. Dito ko nailagay
ang file ng tatay mo sa no visits. Hindi pala dapat."

"Paasa."

Mariin akong pumikit. "Sorry."

Hindi ko alam ang dapat maramdaman nang ibaba niya ang tawag. I had a lot of
thoughts . . . negative ones. Hinang-hina kong nilapitan ang envelope ng mga
pasyente at dinala iyon sa sofa. I tried calling the numbers that were there again,
but just like before, no one answered.

I just don't get it. Kung nawawala ang pasyente . . . bakit nasa opisina ni Percy
ang profiles nila? It should be at a hospital or a police station, not at a
research firm. And if one of these patients had gone missing, what about the other
patients? Lahat sila ay severe ang case. Ang iba ay marami pang diagnosis.

Binalikan ko lahat ng pag-aaral at miski ang interview ni Percy . . . umaasang may

makuhang kahit ano roon.

"We searched for researchers all over the country. We offered jobs to those who had
the potential to continue the innovation. We were rejected by a few aggressive and
arrogant geniuses, sadly . . . but it was their loss, not ours. We catered to a lot
of ideas. Most of them are from Valeen and me, but those of the researchers are
helpful as well."

"To achieve great change is to sacrifice. And I, myself, had sacrificed a lot to
keep our firm steadfast in the industry. With the help of my co-founder, Mrs.
Valeen Claire Medina-Alvarado, we were able to do that. We sacrificed tears, blood,
and sweat. Was it worth it? Always had . . . always been."

"The world is like an ocean and we, people, are its drops. Some were in the deeper
part, while others were in the shallow. Some were dancing with the waves, some were
playing with the whales. Some were stagnant, some were flowing continuously. Some
stayed, enjoying the sea breeze, and some needed to be consumed to save humanity."

Napatigil ako sa pagbabasa nang makita ang pamilyar na salita.

"Drop?"

I gulped as I continued scanning through the pages of the magazine.

"The mission of the Mendoza Research Institute is to find treatments for diseases
once considered incurable and to implement interventions that improve the quality
of life for those who suffer from them. We accomplished a lot just by risking a
drop in the ocean."

Unti-unti akong umiling, hindi nagugustuhan ang takbo ng sariling utak.

"The world is like an ocean and we, people, are its drops," I read out loud, trying
to dissect every word.

For Percy . . . people were like drops. The same name of the envelope in which the
profiles and psychological reports of the patients were kept.

"Some were in the deeper part . . ."

The ones who were protected.

"While others were in the shallow."

The ones who got swept by the wind . . . the ones who endured the heat of the sun.

"Some were dancing with the waves."

The ones in the shallow.

"Some were playing with the whales."

The ones in the deep.

"Some were stagnant."

The ones that were trapped so that they couldn't move.

"Some were flowing continuously."

The ones who cleaned themselves and deposited all the dirt they carried.

"Some stayed, enjoying the sea breeze."

The privileged.

"And some needed to be consumed to save humanity."

The . . . victims.
Naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng luha ko nang mapagtanto ang mga naiisip. I looked at
the number codes at the bottom of each study and saw that they matched the dates on
which the psychological reports of the patients were written.

"W-We accomplished a lot just by risking a drop in the ocean," I whispered the
words written in the magazine as tears continued to escape my eyes. "Was it worth
it? Always had . . . always been."

Tiningnan ko ang cellphone ko para i-check kung paano nagkabukod-bukod ang mga
report.

And at that moment, I realized that the sections on the envelope weren't just based
on their disorders, but also on the time they were used as drops. Magkakasama sa
bawat parte ang mga sabay-sabay na ginamit sa eksperimento.

Paulit-ulit akong umiling. No . . . no. Baka sobra lang akong nag-iisip. I might be
looking at things too much. Hindi ko dapat i-overanalyze ang lahat.

My . . . parents . . . they were horrible . . . but they wouldn't actually use

patients with severe mental disorders for their research and experiment . . .
right?

Kaya maikli 'yong preclinical and animal trials, kahit parang paulit-ulit . . .
hindi naman siguro iyon dahil sa dumidiretso sila sa human trials, 'di ba?

Tuluyan akong napahagulgol dahil miski ang sarili ko ay hindi ko magawang

kumbinsihin. My hands got so weak that I lost control of everything I was holding.
Nagtunugan ang mga ito nang tumama sila sa sahig ngunit wala nang mas lalakas pa sa
tuluyang pagtangis ko.

Here I am, a licensed psychologist, with the goal of helping as many people as
possible, making sure they never lose hope, reminding them that they can lead a
normal life despite the severity of their mental disorder, provided they receive
the right treatment.

And knowing that these privileged researchers could easily exploit them, the people
I was trying so hard to save, for the benefit of their own firm . . . I don't think
I could handle it.

The patients . . . they more than a thousand. One had gone missing . . . and I
wasn't sure what happened to the rest of them.

And so, even without confirmation, I wept.

To conceal the truth is to conceal evil. To deny the truth is to deny justice.

My parents . . . they were criminals. Recently, a study used 180 drops and only 37%
had a success rate. Gumamit sila ng isang daan at walumpong pasyente . . . isang
daan at walumpo . . . mga posibleng ina, ama, kapatid, o anak . . . mga posibleng
may uwian . . . posibleng hinahanap.

All for that fucking drug intervention! All for those selfish jerks! All for that
fucking, fucking, people who stayed and enjoy the freaking breeze!

I was heaving and panting because my moral outrage was rushing through me. If
asked, I could kill my parents with ease. I swore to god, once everything was set
in stone, I would take off my armor and put it around their neck with my bare
hands. They'd bury themselves in code, and I'd bury myself in knowledge.
Nanginginig kong inabot ang cellphone ko nang magsimula ulit itong mag-ring. My
heart was so heavy because I could hear the pleas and cries of the victims who
didn't know they were about to be used for experiments . . . that they were bound
to save whatever the fucking humanity Percy was referring to!

"Hel—"

"Mari . . ." It was Psyche. "Nasa firm kahapon si Valeen. I saw her get off a big
truck that said the name of the mental hospital they worked with."

Hindi ako makasagot agad. Hearing her name set off a turmoil within me.

"It was around 6, and I stayed until 10 because I wanted to know what was going
on . . ." Her voice broke. "And there were . . . patients. Uniformed. Mga in-
patients mula sa ka-partner nilang mental hospital."

I could tell from her tone that she was crying, almost the same as me.

"I was calling you last night, but you were unattended. I was calling you again
earlier, but your line is busy . . . Mari, what are we gonna do? The CCTV was shut
down at 9, and there are no records of the scientists entering the patients into
the firm. It was led by Percy and Valeen . . . and I'm thinking they're gonna use
them for another drug trial. Hindi ako sigurado . . . pero walang dahilan para
magkaroon tayo ng pasyente sa firm."

I was just silent, taking in all the words she said.

It was the confirmation I needed . . . hindi ko alam na ganito kaagang dadalhin

iyon sa akin ng mundo.

Rinig ko sa kabilang linya ang paghikbi niya at kung hindi ko lang takip-takip ang
bibig ay siguradong rinig niya rin ang pagtangis ko.

"Psyche . . ." I called her, my voice was faint. "Percy trusts you, right?"

"Y-Yeah . . ."

"Stay put. Don't do anything that will make him think you know something. Do you
understand?"

"M-Mari . . . there are victims."

Tumango ako. "I know. Kaya kailangan nating mag-ingat."

"What's your plan?"

"Attack on the inside. Itutuloy natin 'yon." I breathed heavily. "But this time,
use your charm and convince my asshole of a father to get me a seat in the
conference room."

"You'll help with the research and experiment?"

My voice wavered, but my resolve was firm.

"Well, what trouble can I do?" I asked. "I'm just Amari, right?"

Chapter 43 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 43

Matinding pag-aaral at pagbabasa ang ginawa ko. I looked into new drug developments
and wrote down any research that might be of interest to Percy.

Pinigilan kong pagnilayan ang nangyayari sa loob ng laboratory . . . sa uppermost

floor ng Mendoza Research Institute. I couldn't believe that behind its good
reputation were rotten methods of how experiments were done.

"These are the records of the new patients." Inilapag ni Psyche sa harap ko ang may
kakapalang folder. "I can't understand how serious their cases are, but I think
it's those with schizophrenia again."

I breathed deeply as I flipped through the pages of the psychological reports.

Sinabihan ko siyang kunin ang mga iyon sa cabinet ni Percy, at mabilis naman siyang
nakakilos. Wala rin naman kasing kaalam-alam ang lalaki na may duplicate keys si
Psyche.

"Gustong-gusto ni Percy maka-develop ng bagong antipsychotic drug na makakatalo sa

Clozapine," maya-maya'y saad ko.

"Clozapine?"

Tumango ako. "It's an antipsychotic drug for those who have schizophrenia na hindi
nagre-respond sa ibang treatments. Highest-rated 'yon kahit na hindi maganda ang
history, at first year college palang kami, narinig ko na kay Ms. Lubrica na
sinusubukang talunin 'yon ni Percy. It's been a decade, and it looks like he
doesn't have any improvements yet."

Pinagpatuloy ko ang pagbabasa. Psyche was just beside me, highlighting all the
"drops" in the documents.

"Si Mr. Bargola . . . he has a severe case. Look at this."

Iniabot ko sa kanya ang report ng pasyente na nakausap ko ang anak.

"Auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations. Ibig sabihin, may mga naririnig,
nakikita, at nararamdaman siya na hindi nag-e-exist para sa 'tin. Persecutory
delusions. Nasa isip niya, may mananakit sa kanya. Grandiose delusions. Pakiramdam
niya, superior siya sa lahat."

"Abnormal psychomotor behavior?" basa ni Psyche sa papel.

Muli akong tumango. "Nothing was specified, but people with psychomotor problems
can be messy. May mga strange habits sila at kadalasan sa behavior nila,
repetitive. Their actions deviate from others. Tapos 'yang disorganized speech,
incoherence, ibig sabihin, walang pagkakatugma o koneksyon manlang 'yong sinasabi
nila. In other words, they don't make sense."

Bahagyang natahimik si Psyche bago siya nagpakawala ng buntong-hininga.

"Naging . . . drop siya?"

I pursed my lips, slowly feeling the heaviness in my chest.

"Oo . . . at kadalasan sa mga pasyente ay kagaya niya. Those were symptoms of

schizophrenia. Kaya kung sakali mang ginagamit sila sa experiment, puwedeng hindi
nila ma-distinguish agad 'yon. Their psychotic symptoms made them lose touch with
reality. Perfect subjects . . . kasi hindi makakapagreklamo."

"Oh my god . . ." Her voice trembled.

"We need to save these patients, Psyche," I told her. "Pagkatapos no'n,
kakailanganin nilang dumaan sa trauma counseling o mas focused na treatment. The
experiment will be conducted after the 35th anniversary of the firm, right?"

She nodded, her face tense.

"We need to be done with everything by then."

I reached for her hand and gently squeezed it, hoping she'd calm down a little.

"You're scared?"

Her lips quivered. "Y-Yeah . . ."

Umiling ako. "Think about how those asshats do things without fear. You can't face
them trembling. Remember . . . wala kang alam."

"T-There are victims. Many . . . many victims."

"Yes, and there will be more if we don't expose them." Muli kong pinisil ang kamay
niya. "We were their first victims, Psyche . . . and we need them to realize that
they messed up with the wrong women."

She gulped as she nodded. "Ano'ng gagawin natin?"

I told her the plan that was going on in my head. She was giving suggestions that
we both took into account. Malaking bagay ang tiwalang ibinigay sa kanya ni Percy.
Magagamit namin 'yon para malayang makagalaw sa loob ng firm.

"Percy trusts me not only because I was a good secretary, but also because I caused
a rift in my father and Valeen's relationship."

That was her answer when I asked her about that. It made sense to me. Percy was in
love with Valeen to the extent that he listened to her when she ordered him to
abandon me in an orphanage. Ang pagsilang kay Psyche ang nagmarka ng hindi
magandang relasyon ni Valeen sa asawa niya.

Hindi muna ako gumawa ng kahit anong ingay sa sumunod na dalawang araw. Nagpanggap
akong ulirang cleaner kahit na parang sasabog ang puso ko sa takot sa bawat
segundong lumilipas.

The patients' lives were in danger, and their families needed to know what was
going on. Hindi ako puwedeng dumiretso sa awtoridad dahil sigurado akong mababasura
lang ang impormasyon doon.

May mga contact information ng pamilya ng mga bagong pasyente sa report. Kaya
naman, gamit ang spare phone ni Psyche, hindi kami nag-atubiling padalhan sila ng
mensahe.

We introduced ourselves as psychiatrists at the mental hospital and encouraged them

to visit their loved ones, emphasizing the importance of seeing them face to face.
Inilagay rin namin sa mensahe na huwag silang papayag na hindi makita ang kapamilya
o kaibigan dahil karapatan nila iyon.
The total number of new patients was 150 . . . making up for those drops that
didn't survive the recent study. Naniniwala akong hindi sila sabay-sabay na kinuha
sa mental hospital dahil malaking gulo iyon kapag nagkataon. They did it gradually,
probably sneaking out 2-5 patients every week. Nakaplano. Kahit bago pa nagawa ang
recent study, may balak na talaga silang magpasok pa ng maraming pasyente.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo d'yan?"

Naestatwa ako nang marinig ang boses ng head cleaner sa likuran ko. I was at the
cleaner's quarters, planting a bug in her cleaning materials. Siya lang ang
nakakapunta sa laboratory, at kailangan kong malaman kung ano ang nangyayari doon.

I cleared my throat as I stood up. I already put the bug at the bottom of her cart.

"Pasensya na po . . . naghahanap po ako ng basahan. Medyo manipis na kasi 'yong

akin," pagpapalusot ko nang humarap ako sa kanya.

"Walang basahan d'yan sa cart ko. Ayan at nasa mga estante," sagot niya sabay turo
sa mga lalagyan.

Sinundan ko ng tingin ang itinuro niya at umaktong nagulat sa nakita.

"Hindi ko po napansin. Madilim kasi," pagdadahilan ko pa. "Hindi ko rin po alam na

cart n'yo 'yan. Malaki po kasi kumpara sa mga cart na ginagamit namin. Akala ko
storage talaga siya . . ."

My heart was racing, but I made sure that it didn't show on my face. Ayokong
mahalata niya na may inilagay ako sa ilalim ng cart niya. Kung dumating nga agad
ang inorder namin ni Psyche na hidden camera ay nailagay ko na rin iyon sa mga
gamit niya. Kaya lang, sa isang linggo pa iyon mai-de-deliver, at hindi ako
puwedeng tumunganga lang.

Lumapit siya sa estante at kumuha ng bagong basahan doon. She then came over in my
direction and gave it to me.

"Bilisan mo na ang paglilinis at tumatakbo ang oras," aniya. "Sa 7th floor ka, 'di
ba? Halika na. Sumabay ka na sa 'kin pataas . . ."

I breathed deeply when she went to her cart and started pushing it outside. Ang
akin ay iniwan ko sa labas ng silid kaya agad din akong sumunod sa kanya. Dinadaga
pa rin ang dibdib ko pero malaking alwan sa akin na hindi niya ako pinaghinalaan.

"Ikaw 'yong mahilig sa scientific discoveries, 'di ba?" tanong niya habang
hinihintay naming bumukas ang elevator.

Bahagya pa akong natulala sa tinutukoy niya ngunit nang maalala ang pagtatanong sa
kanya tungkol sa magazines ay napatango ako.

"Magaling ang mga scientists at researchers dito sa MRI. Kung hilig mo pala 'yon,
dapat nag-aral ka nang mabuti. Hindi 'yong ganitong cleaner ka lang."

I scrunched up my lips, wanting to retaliate. Her point was well taken, but I
thought there was no need to insult the cleaners. Sa pagtatrabaho ko rito ay nakita
ko kung gaano kasipag ang mga kasamahan namin. Kahit na halos lahat sila ay may
edad na, nagtatrabaho pa rin sila. I was still against the working hours though.
Hindi dapat sila graveyard shift.

Hindi na ako sumagot dahil hindi ko rin naman alam ang dapat sabihin. Isa pa, gusto
kong mag-ingat. The less I talk, the fewer mistakes I make. Hindi ko pa naman gusto
ang tabig ng dila ko minsan. Mahirap na, baka maprangka ko siya.

I watched until the elevator's floor number was altered to indicate our location.
Nang tumunog iyon ay tumayo ako nang maayos para maghanda nang pumasok.

Ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang makita sina Percy, Valeen, at Psyche sa loob nito.
The latter gave me a knowing look, but I bowed my head immediately to greet them. I
could feel my heart racing again, but this time, it wasn't from fear, but from
rage.

Natural na reaksyon iyon ng puso ko kapag naiisip ko sina Percy at Valeen. I

couldn't feel the desire to be with them anymore because all I could feel was
anger.

I clenched my fist, realizing that their blood was living within me. Kuhang-kuha ko
ang hugis at kulay ng mga mata ni Percy. Deep-set and brown. I could remember being
so amazed at that when we first met. Kahit ang hulma ng ilong ko ay alam kong sa
kanya galing. Ang buhok at kutis ko naman ay nakuha ko kay Valeen. With loose curls
and skin slightly lighter than tan, it was impossible to deny that I was hers.

"Good evening po," halos magkasabay na bati namin ng head cleaner.

"Good evening," pormal na tugon ni Percy.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagulat pa ako gayong nasabi naman sa akin ni Psyche na
mag-s-stay ang mga ito sa firm dahil sa ginagawang mga bagong pag-aaral.

Lumabas ang tatlo sa elevator, ang mga mata ni Percy ay nakatutok sa akin. Gumilid
lang kami ng head cleaner para makadaan sila.

"Umuna ka na, Matilda. I still need to talk to Mari."

Lalong dinaga ang dibdib ko sa narinig. I acted as if I was surprised, widening my

eyes and parting my lips.

"A-Ako po?" saad ko sabay turo sa sarili.

"Yes, doc," sagot naman ng head cleaner.

Wala nang ibang salita pang sumakay ang head cleaner sa elevator at iniwan kami
roon. I could feel Valeen's intense glare on me, but my eyes were fixed on Percy.
At their back was Psyche.

"Follow me," Percy said as he started walking.

Tahimik kaming sumunod sa kanya. He was walking with Valeen while I was walking
with Psyche. We were both quiet, but I could tell our hearts were beating with rage
and terror.

Naupo kami sa lobby. I maintained my show of being a submissive cleaner who would
do anything to please them. My head was down, and my hands were clasped.

"A-Ano pong nagawa ko?" I made sure that my voice was trembling.

I was facing my demons now . . . there was no turning back.

Narinig ko ang malalim na buntong-hininga. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay nakita

kong si Valeen iyon. She gave me a disgusted look as she scanned me from head to
toe. Napagtanto ko agad na ito ang unang beses na nakita ko siya simula noong
nagkasagutan kami ilang taon na ang nakalipas. Her, being mad at me, was only
reasonable.

"You're a psychologist, right?" biglang tanong ni Percy.

Right there and then, I realized that Psyche had already convinced him to give my
ideas a shot.

Unti-unti akong tumango. "Yes po . . ."

Umayos siya ng upo at pinakatitigan ako. "What are your thoughts about handling
people with schizophrenia?"

Bumaling ako ng tingin kay Valeen na mukhang tamad na tamad sa akin. I didn't even
know why she was there. Mukha namang si Percy lang ang makakausap ko.

I breathed deeply. Time to impress them, Amari.

"Schizophrenia was mostly treated by psychiatrists. Pang-support lang po usually

ang psychologists. However, every person with a mental disorder deserves a
personalized treatment plan," saad ko. "Hindi naman kasi porke't gumana sa isa ay
gagana na rin sa isa. Intervention programs that include both therapy and
medication should be tailored to each individual's symptoms and medical condition."

Tumango si Percy. "Of course."

"However, the most recommended therapy for schizophrenia is Cognitive Behavioral

Therapy. It seeks to teach people how to recognize the ways of thinking that lead
to their undesirable emotions and behavior and how to replace those ways of
thinking with more productive ones," I added. For example, CBT can help you
recognize delusional thinking patterns. You can then get help on how to deal with
these delusions. Para kung mangyayari ulit, malalaman mo kung paano mo sila maha-
handle."

"As a psychologist, you don't use medications, right?" tanong ni Percy.

"Yes. Hindi po kami medical doctors," I replied. "But right now, the most effective
antipsychotic drug for treatment-resistant individuals is clozapine."

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "I know . . . and it has to change."

Pinigilan ko ang mapangisi.

"The firm has been working on a more advanced and effective antipsychotic medicine
for schizophrenia that has fewer to no side effects," pagpapatuloy niya.

"That's good po . . ." I said.

Umiling siya. "We need new sets of young researchers. The ones with passion.
Kadalasan sa researchers namin ay matatanda na. They're working and studying so
hard that their dedication has already died. No one is giving me new ideas, and
most of what they suggest is garbage."

"Hindi mo na kailangang sabihin 'yan sa kanya, Percy. It was such a private infor—"

"Shut up, Valeen," Percy cut her off. "Tama si Psyche. We need to let go of our old
researchers if we want to develop something that will improve our standing in the
industry. We've been working on this for a decade, and if we don't come up with
something soon . . . you know what will happen."

Hindi ko alam kung tanga ba sila o ano, pero ang mga ganitong pag-uusap ay hindi
dapat ipinaririnig kahit kanino. They must think that Psyche and I were both
harmless because we weren't as powerful as them.

"At ano? Tatanggapin mo 'yang babaeng 'yan?" bulaslas ni Valeen.

I bowed my head so that they wouldn't see the sarcasm in my face. They were so
gullible . . . mukhang matalino lang sila sa papel.

Percy was stressed out. I could see that. Hindi naman katagalan noong huli ko
siyang nakita pero kapansin-pansin ang pagpayat niya. He didn't even bother shaving
his unsightly stubble or brushing his hair. Kung hindi lang branded ang mga suot
niya ay mapagkakamalan siyang hindi naliligo.

And it was a good time for us to attack. Their defenses were down . . . and our
acting was convincing. Hanggang ngayon ay nagtataka pa rin ako kung paano niya
naisip na totoong pinagsisisihan ko ang pagsagot sa kanila noon.

"Psyche, what do you suggest?" Percy said instead of answering Valeen.

The old woman grunted. "Bakit ba si Psyche ang pinakikinggan mo? She's just your
secretary!"

"She helped me out more than you do, Valeen! So, if you don't want me to lose
respect for you, let's not argue in front of them."

I looked across at Psyche, who had a slight grin on her face. She did a great job
of brainwashing Percy. Parte iyon ng plano namin . . . pero hindi ko inaasahang
mapag-aaway niya ang dalawa.

"Sir, I still think it's worth seeing if Mari can spark some new ideas for
you. . ." saad ni Psyche matapos ang mahabang katahimikan. "Let her make a
proposal, just like she did the last time. Mas mabuti po kasi kung ang researchers
na kukunin natin ay galing din sa loob. Trusted na . . . and who knows? We might
not need new sets of researchers if Mari has all the knowledge."

Muli akong umaktong nagulat sa nalaman.

"E-Excuse me?"

Bumaling sa akin si Psyche. "We are considering letting you take a spot on the
research team, Mari."

Pinalaki ko ang mga mata ko at pinag-awang ang labi. "Pero . . . cleaner lang ako.
Sure, I'm still studying, but . . . MRI is such a huge research firm."

"Tatanggapin mo ba o hindi?" pagsusungit pa niya.

It took me a lot of courage to show happiness and excitement on my face.

"T-Tatanggapin ko! It's an honor!" bulaslas ko.

"The last time we talked, you didn't like working for us," singit ni Valeen.
"What's with the sudden change of mind?"

Muli akong yumuko para ipakita sa kanya ang pagpapakumbaba ko. I was getting tired
of acting submissive to them, but I knew it was the only choice I had.
"Sinabi ko na po kay Mr. Mendoza . . ." I whispered. "Nagsisisi po ako sa ginawa ko
noon, at kung bibigyan lang ako ng pagkakataon na mabago ang lahat ay hindi ko po
kayo para pagsalitaan nang ganoon."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

"Valeen, she's paying off her debts. I have Psyche look into it, and she said that
Mari has been diligent about paying her bills . . . kahit pa mas malaki naman ang
kita niya sa VDMH," saad ni Percy. "Now is not the time for pride to get in the
way."

Tumango ako. "Naging . . . malaking aral po sa akin ang pagiging cleaner dito, Mr.
Mendoza. I learned how to value my money."

"I don't really care . . ." He scoffed. "Prepare your proposal. I'll hear it next
week."

Naputol doon ang usapan namin. It was good enough for me. We were making progress.
Percy was hopeless and desperate. The combination of those two emotions made him
lose his logic. Malaking tulong ang labis na pagtitiwala niya kay Psyche . . . and
the latter was doing a good job manipulating him.

That same day, I managed to get the bug under the cart of the head cleaner. Hindi
ko agad pinakinggan iyon dahil alam kong mas kailangan kong mag-focus sa paggawa ng
proposal. Mabuti nga at mabilis kong nakuha iyon nang walang nakakahalata. I got it
while the head cleaner was busy checking the floors.

Sinabihan ako ni Psyche na huwag nang pumasok hanggang sa araw ng pagpepresent ko

ng proposal. It was beneficial to me since it allowed me to concentrate.

In the following days, I made the library my home. Gigising ako ng alas sais ng
umaga, kakain, maliligo, at didiretso na sa lugar. I would leave only when it was
already time for dinner. Ni hindi ko na inisip ang pagkain ng tanghalian. I became
as focused as I could be, keeping in mind the patients that needed to get out of
the firm.

From: Psyche

Our plan worked. May mga bumisitang family members sa hospital. Everyone was
stressed out, especially Percy. Ibinalik muna ang ilang pasyente dahil nag-demand
ang visitors na makita sila face-to-face. Hindi ko alam kung kailan sila ibabalik,
pero gaya ng utos mo, nakuhanan ko ng litrato at video ang pagta-transfer ng
pasyente sa truck. May dashboard camera din ang sasakyan ni Percy at sigurado akong
kita roon ang ginagawa nila. I'll email everything to you.

To: Psyche

Good job, Psyche. That was more than enough proof. Mag-iingat ka. Make sure not to
get caught.

From: Psyche

Sooner or later, they'll find out that someone has been leaking information. Hindi
malabong malaman nila na may nag-text sa mga family members na 'yon. Kinakabahan
ako sa 'yo, Mari. Do you really need to help the research team? We have proof
already. Hindi pa ba sapat 'to?

To: Psyche
Baka malusutan nila 'yan. We need stronger proof that the patients were being used
as guinea pigs. 'Wag kang mag-alala sa 'kin. I'm doing the proposal and giving it
my all. Now is the perfect time to attack, Psyche. Habang namomroblema sila.

From: Psyche

I've been brainwashing Percy to despise Valeen to the core, just like our plan. It
worked because Valeen has been traveling and hasn't been able to help him.
Naririnig ko silang nagtatalo. Valeen doesn't want you on the team, but Percy has
lost his mind and wants so badly to put you out there.

To: Psyche

Kaya kailangan ko pang paghusayan. I can't lose his approval.

From: Psyche

You will be their greatest downfall, Mari. I can't wait to see that.

To: Psyche

We will, Psyche. You're doing a good job, too. The younger you will be so proud.

From: Psyche

Thank you. Let's put those fuckheads behind bars.

I wouldn't lie. Part of me was afraid of the outcome because it could have cost us
our lives, but what else do we have to lose? Hindi na lang ito tungkol sa
pagmamahal ko kay Leon. Hindi na lang ito tungkol sa illegal drugs. It was my aim
at first, but we managed to uncover something bigger . . . and more wicked.

This was my quest for justice, not only as an abandoned daughter but also as a
mental health professional.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-aaral ngunit parang lahat ng ideyang nakikita ko ay nagawa na

ng firm. Percy was expecting fresher ideas from me, so I needed to give him just
that. Halos mabaligtad ko na ang library pero nahihirapan pa rin akong gumawa ng
interesting na proposal. If I didn't amuse Percy, I might end in a muddle.

Well, that was the case until help came . . . the help from the person who had
always been there for me.

"Can I sit here?"

It was Saturday, and after saying that he would prioritize himself, I didn't expect
to see him again . . . at least, not this early.

Tumingin ako sa paligid at napansing marami pang bakanteng mesa. Puwedeng doon siya
umupo, pero ayokong sabihin iyon sa kanya dahil alam kong alam niya naman na 'yon.

I looked down at my laptop and nodded gently. Agad naman siyang umupo sa tapat ko
at inayos din ang gamit niya.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat maramdaman. I'd been so preoccupied with my
parents' case that I'd somehow forgotten about him. Pero ngayon namang nandito siya
at malapit sa akin ay hindi ko maiwasang hindi maging . . . masaya. It was always
like that. Parang alam niya kung kailan dapat pumasok sa eksena. Parang alam niya
kung kailan ko siya kailangan.

"Kumusta ang pakiramdam mo?" marahang tanong niya.

Hindi ako nag-angat ng tingin. I just kept my eyes on the screen of my laptop, but
I could see him in the background, staring at me.

"Maayos na," mahinang sagot ko.

Tumikhim siya. "Iniinom mo ang gamot mo?"

"Oo." Tumango ako. "Saka . . . 'yong tea."

Hindi ako direktang nakatingin sa kanya pero nakita ko ang pagyuko niya. He smiled
a little as he did this, and it warmed my heart to know that someone was watching
out for me . . . and that nothing had changed — it was still him.

Naalala ko tuloy ang rosemary tea na ginawa niya noon sa akin sa Davao. Sinabi pa
niyang nakuha niya iyon sa mga lokal. He woke up early so he could give me tea to
help me perform better in the quiz bee, knowing that I was competing against him.
At kahit gusto niya ako ay hindi niya iyon inamin sa akin dahil ayaw niyang magduda
ako sa sarili kong kakayanan.

He knew that my self-esteem was low at the time, so he didn't rush to tell me how
he felt.

He took his time. Minahal niya ako nang dahan-dahan . . . nang puno ng lambing at
walang pagmamadali. He freed my fragile parts from the stone shackles that had
imprisoned them. He walked right with my sorrow and filled the empty places in my
soul.

"You're studying schizophrenia?" tanong ulit niya matapos ang mahabang katahimikan.

Tumango ako at hinayaan siyang kunin ang notes ko.

"Drug development . . ." basa niya. "This isn't your expertise. Para saan?"

I took a deep breath and came up with a lie.

"Wala lang . . . curious lang."

Marahan siyang napatawa. "You'll never get tired of discovering new things, will
you?"

"D'yan lang naman 'yong masasabi kong magaling ako," I answered back. "Other than
studying . . . I have nothing to offer."

"To what end are we striving so hard?" He shook his head. "Being mediocre is not a
bad thing, Amari. Awards and recognitions aren't something we always need to chase.
Yes, changes are needed, but sometimes, it's okay to not do your best. It's okay to
slack off and just rest."

Umiling din ako bago direktang tiningnan siya.

"That's easy for you to say because you excel at everything, Leon. Madali sa 'yong
makuha lahat ng bagay na gusto mo."

Inayos niya ang salamin bago ibinaba ang tingin sa notepad ko.
He chuckled lowly. "I hope that's true."

Hindi na ako sumagot. We stayed like that for two hours straight. I kept looking
and putting studies together in the hopes of coming up with something new. Tanging
ang pagtama lang ng daliri namin sa keyboard ng laptop namin ang maririnig.
Sometimes, I would see him glancing at me, but I didn't bother looking at him
again. Madi-distract lang ako.

"There's no cure for schizophrenia," biglang saad niya, dahilan para mapatigil ako
sa pagtitipa sa laptop ko. "The side effects of the current medicines are so bad
that most patients stop taking them."

"I know," I replied. "That's why I'm studying drug developments that have positive
results but have fewer to no side effects than the ones we already have."

Tumango-tango siya. "Instead of medicine, why not brain scans?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. "What do you mean?"

"Most doctors and general practitioners give antipsychotic and serotonin reuptake
inhibitor medicines without doing any kind of neuroimaging. Hanggang ngayon, wala
pa ring brain scan na makakapag-determine kung may schizophrenia ang isang tao. It
will be a huge undertaking, kahit pa may fMRI naman. fMRI alone is not enough for
diagnosis."

"I'm looking for a cure, not an easy diagnosis, Leon."

Umiling siya. "Then, it will take you forever, Amari. This problem does not have a
single solution. Lahat ng case ng schizophrenia ay magkakaiba. Instead of trying to
find a cure, try to find a way to recognize it easily. I know you already know
this, but early diagnosis is helpful in the field. Mas mabilis malalaman ng host
kung paano ma-manage ang symptoms niya."

"But relying on a device alone can lead to misdiagnosis," sagot ko. "Paano tayo
makakasiguradong schizophrenia ang sakit ng isang tao kung ang resulta lang ng
brain scan ang titingnan natin? We still need to conduct a series of therapies,
tests, and analysis."

"Gaya lang din 'yan ng drug development. Gaano tayo kasigurado na ang effective na
gamot sa isang pasyente ay effective din sa isa? Mahirap pa 'to kasi in-intake. The
body will react to the medicine, and who knows if it will be a good thing or not?"

"Kaya nga may clinical trials, Leon."

He nodded. "You've answered your own question."

I squinted. "Huh?"

"Paano tayo makakasiguradong schizophrenia ang sakit ng isang tao kung ang resulta
lang ng brain scan ang titingnan natin?" he stated. "Trials. Hindi naman isasabak
agad ang device. It will undergo a series of tests. "

Para kaming nagdedebate sa ginagawa namin. I understood his point, and I was
considering it as a viable option. Since the brain scans would be done outside the
body, no patients would be affected by the medicine.

"Natahimik ka," he commented.

"I'm . . . thinking."
"If not a device, since fMRI is already a good one, you can use advanced methods,
Amari," dagdag niya pa.

I nodded. "Yeah . . . we can include a system that will tell medical professionals
whether or not the present treatments are effective. Para kung hindi, magkaroon
agad ng ibang treatment plan."

Bahagya siyang natahimik bago unti-unting sumulyap ang maliit na ngiti sa labi
niya.

"Smart," he said.

Lumabi ako. "Smarter than you?"

He chuckled as he dropped his eyes on the screen of his laptop.

Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. "Hey, I'm asking you."

Hindi nawala ang ngiti sa labi niya. "Oo na."

"Ba't parang napipilitan ka?"

"You still see me as your rival, don't you?"

"I'm joking!"

He fixed the bridge of his glasses and shook his head. Mula sa laptop ay ibinalik
niya ang tingin sa akin. He was serious earlier while we were debating, but now,
all of a sudden, his face looked like the college Leon who was staring at me after
I recited in class, his eyes full of intensity and a touch of . . . admiration.

"If that's the only thing the world has to offer now," he whispered, lowering his
gaze to the laptop again. "I can settle with that, Amari."

Everything that happened after that was a blur to me. Alam kong sabay kaming
lumabas ng library at inihatid niya pa ako pabalik sa apartment namin. We didn't
talk much, but I somehow felt connected to him. We felt like long-lost friends who
had accidentally run into one another, but instead of exchanging pleasantries, we
quietly basked in the warmth of our mutual company. Parang hindi na namin
kailangang magsalita para magkaintindihan.

When the day of the presentation of the proposal came, I didn't expect Percy to
actually put me in front of the whole team.

But instead of feeling nervous, the shared discussion I had with Leon fueled the
fire within me.

"Most doctors and general practitioners give antipsychotic and serotonin reuptake
inhibitor medicines without doing any kind of neuroimaging," saad ko habang
inaalala ang sinabi ni Leon sa akin. "To me, this is a major issue, as it would be
wise to check for neurotransmitter imbalance before making a diagnosis. However,
they rely solely on the patient's report in the diagnosis process rather than
conducting any kind of genetic analysis."

"You're not wasting anyone's time here, Mari. Go direct to the point!" iritableng
sabi ni Valeen.

I breathed deeply and nodded. "Instead of developing new medications, I think that
more time and effort would be better spent upgrading fMRI and applying systematic
approaches for the easier diagnosis of schizophrenia."

"We need a cure. Not some mere diagnosing tool," one of the researchers debated.

"Well, schizophrenia does not have a single solution, sir," I replied confidently.
"As I've said to Mr. Mendoza before, each treatment plan should be personalized.
So, instead of looking for a cure, we should focus on developing reliable
diagnostic devices because early diagnosis can minimize symptoms."

I saw a look of approval on Psyche's face.

"Ang sabi n'yo po, maraming taon na ang lumipas sa pag-aaral ng epektibong gamot sa
schizophrenia. But even if we make a medicine that works well for a lot of people,
we can't be sure that it will work for everyone. Why?" I lifted my chin to assert
poise. "Because, again, treatment plans are not one size fits all."

"Relying on a single device can lead to wrong diagnosis," saad pa ng isang

researcher, dahilan para mapangiti ako.

The very same debate I had with Leon.

"Of course. Kaya nga aaralin. To determine whether or not schizophrenia is present,
we will create new assessment methods. And with these methods, we can now say for
sure that a patient's brain activity is linked to their diagnosis. Puwede pa nating
i-further ang study na 'to hindi lang sa schizophrenia, kung hindi para din sa
ibang mental health disorders."

"That's a good suggestion, but that's not what we're looking for," Valeen said.

"Well, ma'am, what we're looking for will take us nowhere," I uttered frankly.
"We're looking so hard in a specific direction that we're missing out on the chance
to make something that will get us to the same place. Early diagnosis means that
symptoms can be lessened, and lessened symptoms make life easier for people who
really suffer."

Ibinaba ni Mr. Mendoza ang folder kung saan nakalagay ang proposal ko. Bahagyang
dinaga ang dibdib ko dahil kanina pa siya tahimik.

"How do you plan to execute this?"

I kept my blank face. "It's in the proposal, sir."

Tumango siya at inisa-isang tingnan ang mga researcher.

"What do you think?" tanong niya sa mga ito.

Umiling ang isa. "A brain scan isn't a cure."

Huminga ako nang malalim nang marinig ang pagsang-ayon ng iba. There was a
discourse, and I just stood there, waiting for my judgment.

Tumingin ako kay Psyche na ngayon ay mukhang kinakabahan din sa resulta ng proposal
ko. Only the researchers could enter the laboratory, and if I failed, I wouldn't
have the chance to collect evidences.

And so, with that in mind, I spoke again.

"We were so driven by seeing outcomes that we often neglected improving our
processes."

Nagtiningan sila sa akin, may kaunting bulungan pa rin.

"Sure, a brain scan isn't a cure, but in all your years of studying, have you
developed one?" I asked in a monotone, not minding if they found me disrespectful.
"The only choice we have now is to reduce the symptoms and determine whether the
treatments are effective or not. Hindi gamot lang ang sagot sa mga mental
disorders, and I'm saying this as a licensed psychologist myself."

I made sure to emphasize every word I said.

"It is my duty to devise treatment programs for patients, and I can tell you right
now that every medicine you were dying to develop is not effective for everyone.
Hindi lagnat ang mental disorder na kayang pagalingin ng paracetamol. Hindi ubo o
sipon na mawawala rin paglipas ng ilang linggo. Hindi sugat na kayang pahidan ng
antibiotic," mas madiing saad ko. "Mental disorders should be treated with both
medications and therapies, and trying to treat them with a mere drug is a piece of
crap."

Tuluyan silang natahimik.

"Instead of waiting for nothing, the least you can do is to assure these people
that they can live a normal life despite having such conditions."

I stood there, thinking about the patients who lost their lives in their hands.

"The only time we can say that we have completed our job is not when we have
invented a new medication or medical gadget." I shook my head. "It's when we have
succeeded in instilling a sense of hope in the hearts of those who are depending on
us."

Naghari ang katahimikan sa buong conference room. My insides were trembling, but
this time, it wasn't because I feared rejection, but because I wanted so badly for
these people to pay for the drops they wasted.

Tumayo si Percy at sa muling pagkakataon, gaya ng ibinigay niya sa akin nang manalo
ako sa quiz bee noon . . . ngumiti siya.

But unlike before that it made my day, right now, all I wanted was to wipe it off
his lips because he didn't deserve to have that smile after every crime he
committed.

"Let's move forward with that. Amari put all the ways to carry out the plan in the
proposal. No one should complain, because I think she's already made her point," he
announced as he glanced at me. "Good job, Amari. Meeting adjourned."

I smiled victoriously to myself.

Someone has made a mistake again.

Chapter 44 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

TW: Sensitive content. Self-harm.

Chapter 44

Needless to say, I worked for the research team in the following days, devising the
approaches that would be used and even talking about the design of the brain scan.

Nakita ko kung paano sila magtrabaho, at kung wala lang akong alam sa pamamalakad
nila ay wala akong maiisip na mali. They were just a bunch of smart people who
liked to read and argue among themselves about the discoveries.

Pagkatapos pa ng 35th anniversary ang pagsasagawa ng advance fMRI. Hindi naman kasi
madali ang proseso. We would need to assess the device thoroughly to ensure it
accurately identified the disorder. Hindi man ako kasama sa mismong pagbuo noon,
patuloy pa rin nilang itinatanong ang opinyon ko lalo at ako ang principal author
ng idea.

However, being on the research team was harder than I thought.

This was the work of a scientist . . . something that was too far from my
expertise. Psychologist ako at counselor, hindi taga-gawa ng devices at medicines.
Still, I knew I had to extend all my resources for my plan to work out.

"Isang proof na lang, Mari," saad ni Psyche. "A video clip, picture . . . kahit
ano. Basta pagpapatunay na may mga ginamit silang pasyente para sa research. It's
in the laboratory for sure."

Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang mga nakolekta namin. The documents, the folder
entitled "drops" from Percy's cabinet, and the video clips of Valeen and some
researchers putting the patients back on the truck.

The past few days, ichineck namin kung ano ang estado ng ilan sa mga naunang
pasyente, at gaya ni Mr. Bargola, halos lahat sila, kung hindi namatay, ay
nakatakas sa mental hospital. Some of the cases even happened more than a decade
ago, and we had no right to inquire about them because we were not the police nor
family members.

Ang iba ay nakita lang namin online nang i-search namin ang pangalan ng mga
pasyente. Ang ilan ay pinuntahan naman namin ni Psyche sa address na naka-indicate
sa profile. Five out of the twelve houses we checked out were sadly abandoned, yet
all of them had posters in the doorway advertising a missing relative — the patient
themselves.

Ang ibang pinuntahan namin ay hindi namin tinanong tungkol sa kaso. We weighed
things down, and we got so scared of being caught that we retreated. Baka kasi may
contact ang mga ito sa kinauukulan . . . at mabuti na lang ay naisip agad 'yon ni
Psyche dahil kung hindi, baka na-interview ko na sila.

"After pa ng anniversary sisimulan ang paggawa ng brain scan. Hindi agad ako
makakaakyat sa lab," I told Psyche after a long silence. "If we successfully
uncovered this, hindi lang sina Valeen at Percy ang makukulong. Their accomplices
needed to be jailed, too."

Tumango si Psyche. "Hindi pa rin ako makahanap ng tyempo para ma-check ang
dashboard camera ng sasakyan ni Percy. Kapag na-check ko, ipapadala ko agad ang
footage sa 'yo," aniya. "We should make as many copies as we can."

I sighed and just nodded. I could feel it in my bones — my body was starting to get
tired of the process, and I might need to take a break after all of this.

It was so hard to pretend I could handle the disgust I felt every time I saw my
biological parents. It was so hard to take in all the information I didn't learn at
school.

Kaya lang, sa ngayon, wala akong karapatang mapagod. Psyche was working hard, and
Percy and Valeen needed to pay for their crimes. I was motivated by everything, but
also overwhelmed by it.

"Matagal ko nang napapansin na hindi ka masaya kapag nakikita mo ang tatay mo, Mari
. . ." saad ni Kat nang makausap ko siya via video call.

It had been so long since she called. Abala kasi siya sa trabaho at sa . . .
manliligaw.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Nasa apartment ako, kauuwi lang din mula sa pad ni
Psyche.

I told Kat about my past because I needed to vent and check in with someone I
trusted about whether or not I was making the right choices. Hindi ko detelyadong
sinabi sa kanya ang mga posibleng krimen na ginawa ng mga magulang ko at ang bigat
ng mga ito pero hindi ako nag-atubiling ikwento ang mga pinaggagawa ni Percy noon
sa akin.

"He committed a crime . . . and I know about it. I just don't have enough proof,"
was all I could say about the felony.

She stared at me for a few minutes before sighing.

"You want to expose him?"

Tumango ako. "Sobra. Medyo napapagod lang ako sa proseso. And reality check, my
father isn't an easy prey. This . . ." I trailed off as I heaved another deep
breath, "is going to be ugly, Kat. I don't know what will happen, but the day I
scheduled to expose them is nearing, and I don't have stronger proof yet."

Dumating na ang hidden camera na inorder namin ni Psyche pero dahil hindi ako
makapunta sa laboratory ay hindi ko mailagay iyon doon. I had no access yet. Hindi
ko alam kung kailan ako puwedeng makaakyat doon.

"Napapagod ka na?" malumanay na tanong ng kaibigan. "It's all over your face. You
want to give up."

I nodded. "A part of me does."

"Go and quit then."

Yumuko ako at dahan-dahang umiling.

"I can't do that," I whispered. "We can't turn a blind eye to injustices. Alam mo
'yan."

At that time, I knew I had to evaluate myself. I played with my shaking, trembling
fingers and took countless deep breaths. Doon ay napagtanto kong bukod sa pagod ay
may mas malaking emosyon ang nananaig sa dibdib ko.

Something heavier. Something that was pushing me to retreat.

"It's . . . scary," mas mahinang saad ko.

Matagal siyang natahimik, parang hinahayaan lang akong magpatuloy sa pagsasalita na

hindi ko naman ginawa.

I just sat there, exposing my most vulnerable side to her. That after all these
years, behind the mask I wore was the young Amari who was terrified . . . the young
Amari who was crying. My healed wounds were reopening and starting to bleed again.

I was strong . . . but I knew deep down that I wasn't.

"Ano'ng maitutulong ko sa 'yo, Mari?" Kat asked gently. "You want me there? I'll do
whatever you ask me."

Umiling ako, dahan-dahang nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya.

"I just need to vent out. Everything's overwhelming me."

"I'll be there soon. Uuwi ako," aniya.

"No need, Kat."

She shook her head. "You're scared, Mari . . . and I will not take your fear
lightly."

"Hindi na nga. I'm happy that you're enjoying your life there. 'Wag ka nang bumalik
sa stress." Mahina akong tumawa. "I'll be safe and sound. I promise."

"Uuwian ko kayo d'yan," she said with finality. "At isa pa, you deserve a warm,
thankful hug for giving us a roof over our heads during college."

Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang dapat kong gawin. Ang akala ko, kapag nakapasok ako
sa research team ay mas magiging madali sa akin ang pagkolekta ng mga pruweba. Kaya
lang, hangga't hindi sinisimulan ang paggawa ng brain scan ay hindi rin ako
makakakilos.

From: Psyche

Nakakatunog na si Percy. He knew there was a mole in the firm. He suspects Dr.
Talavera because he's convincing Percy to let go of the patients. Though we're
safe, we still need to be more careful.

Hindi na ako nagulat doon. Sa pagsasabi palang namin sa pamilya ng mga pasyente,
alam ko nang mangyayari iyon. Our text messages to them surely reached Percy. I
just didn't think he'd already have a person in mind.

Dahil doon, naging mas maingat nga kami ni Psyche. Pinatahimik muna namin ang ingay
sa firm. Hindi ko rin muna ginamit ang bug. The whole maintenance team looked into
the possibility of those and such. Tuloy ay mas lalo akong nahirapan kung paano
ipupuslit ang biniling hidden camera. Mas pinaghigpit din kasi ang security. There
were metal detectors before you could enter the premises, and the bags were
thoroughly inspected.

"Dr. Talavera was fired because of misconduct."

That was what Percy told us when we had a meeting. He looked even more stressed out
now. Tanging ang mga matatandang researcher lang ang nakakaalam ng totoong rason
kung bakit natanggal ang lalaki . . . ni hindi nila alam na may ideya rin ako sa
nangyayari.

I continued being the innocent researcher of the firm. Alam kong wala nang panahon
pa para tumunganga ako. I'd gathered enough evidence, and I observed that most of
the old researchers didn't give a hoot about the methodology used in the
experiments. Pansin na pansin ko iyon — gusto lang agad nilang makita ang resulta
or, at least, makapagpakita ng update kay Percy.

I needed to work things out on my own. I made it into the research team already.
Might as well manipulate everyone here into thinking that I was really harmless . .
. but I had to do it in a slow, quiet way.

"To see if the scan will work, we'll have to find people with and without
schizophrenia and compare their brain activity," I said in front of the
researchers, stating the obvious. "From what I know, we have a partnership with a
mental hospital. We can ask them to lend us some patients and make sure that
everyone involved signs an informed consent. Families, patients themselves . . .
everyone."

"We have brain samples, Ms. Mendoza," saad ng isang researcher.

I paused for a bit. Brain samples were donated by the families of the deceased, not
for organ transplantation but rather for scientific study. Kung mayroong ganoon sa
lab, magiging malaking tulong iyon sa research.

But then, it wasn't what I wanted.

Umiling ako. "This scan is crucial. Kailangan, buhay ang pasyenteng ite-test natin.
Hindi naman makakaapekto ang scan sa pasyenteng kukunin natin . . . and I think the
process I just said is ethical. We'll disclose every piece of information to all
parties involved, so we'll not have a problem."

"Saka na 'yan. Huling proseso pa 'yan. Creating the scan itself should be our
primary concern now," sabi ni Percy.

"Sir, with all due respect, you know that getting informed consent is a lengthy
process. Kakausapin pa natin ang mga pasyente at ang pamilya nila," sagot ko naman.
"One million Filipinos have schizophrenia, and with a 95% confidence level and a 5%
margin of error, we'll need 384 samples. With that number, hindi lang ang ka-
partner na mental hospital ng firm ang kailangan nating kausapin."

I breathed deeply as I thought of more ways to convince them how urgent the brain
scan was . . . kahit hindi naman.

"But if we're aiming for a 99% confidence level and a 1% margin of error, we'll
need more." I did the math in my head. "Probably around 16,300 . . ."

"95% is good enough," sabi ni Percy. "Madali na ang 384 samples. I can get it done
right away."

I clenched my fist subtly. Of course, you can. You have drops in your lab.

"Okay . . . where are these brain samples then?" I asked as if I didn't know where
it was.

"Lab," sagot niya.

My heart hammered when the laboratory was finally brought up. Malapit na ang 35th
anniversary ng firm at abala ang lahat sa pag-aasikaso noon, lalo si Psyche.
Invitations were already distributed to the leading businesses and organizations.
Kung hindi ako kikilos para makapunta sa laboratory ay hindi madadagdagan ang
ebidensyang hawak namin ni Psyche.
These days, I'd been thinking of methods to show Percy that I needed to see the
laboratory, but because of the leakage of their confidential information, I had a
hard time doing so. Naging maingat ang lahat lalo at hindi maibalik ang mga bagong
pasyente sa laboratory. Everyone at the company seemed to be working in relative
silence. You wouldn't even realize something was happening if you didn't know what
it was.

"If that's the case, then . . ." I stood upright, asserting dominance and
authority, "I might need to check some brain samples of those with schizophrenia."

I couldn't waste more time. Lumilipas ang mga araw at hindi puwedeng panoorin ko
lang ang pagtakbo noon. Wala naman na si Dr. Talavera . . . they should be more at
ease now.

Sa pagkunot ng noo ni Percy ay agad na tumahip sa kaba ang dibdib ko.

"What for?" he asked.

I held my chin up. I needed to show him I was confident.

"Do we have an fMRI?"

Tumango siya. "Of course."

"Good," I replied right away. "If you let me look at the brain samples of those
with schizophrenia, then I'll be able to write down as many details as possible so
that we can compare the results of the fMRI . . . at saka no'ng brain scan na
gagawin natin."

Sandali siyang natahimik bago pinasadahan ng tingin ang folder sa harap niya. It
was the progress of my work. Everything I knew was written there, and the models
were thoroughly debated with the team. Ang kailangan ko na lang ay ang mga
detalyeng makikita ko sa fMRI.

Mukhang hindi pa rin siya kumbinsido kaya muli akong nagsalita.

"We'll start devising the brain scan after the anniversary and if I wait 'til then,
then it'll take us more time to be done. Kakailanganin ko ring alamin ang
pinagkaiba ng neuroimaging ng taong may schizophrenia na buhay pa . . . sa brain
sample na meron tayo. If we want no less than a 5% margin of error, we need to
study everything from different angles."

He heaved a sigh of defeat, finally realizing my point. Of course, alam niyang tama
ang sinasabi ko. Hindi naman sa kanya bago ito.

Tinanggal niya ang salamin at minasahe ang sintido.

"Dr. Draanen," he said, calling the attention of an old researcher. "Guide her with
your team next week."

"Yes, doc."

I did my best to suppress my smile. Hindi ko alam kung uto-uto ba siya o magaling
lang talaga ako. I couldn't even believe I made it here with all my well-thought-
out plans. Kahit pa may ibang napagbintangan sa plano namin ni Psyche ay wala akong
pakialam. He shouldn't have asked Percy's permission to let go of the patients.
Dumiretso dapat siya sa awtoridad.

Malaking bagay na hindi nila ako pinaghihinalaan. It was as if, for the first time,
the world was in my favor. My father didn't have the slightest idea that his
secretary and his own daughter were plotting against him.

But I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Kung sa akin man gawin iyon, baka hindi
ko rin agad malaman. He trusted Psyche, and he thought lowly of me. He wouldn't
even dare suspect us.

It wasn't easy. Psyche and I were living in constant fear of being exposed. Gamit
na gamit din ang utak ko sa nangyayari kaya madalas ay ang bigat-bigat ng
pakiramdam ko. Hindi ko puwedeng hayaang may pumalpak sa plano namin. We'd made it
this far already. We couldn't get caught.

Hinayaan ko lang lumipas ang mga araw. I told Psyche that I'd be going into the lab
next week, and she was just as thrilled and nervous as I was.

I prepared everything I needed. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipupuslit ang hidden
camera sa lab lalo at mahipit pa rin ang security. I was thinking about using my
phone, but I couldn't leave it there . . . kaya hindi puwede. Hindi naman ako
puwedeng pumasok doon nang walang kahit ano. I needed an indisputable
evidence . . . hindi magiging sapat ang makikita lang ng mata ko.

I was deep in thought when my cellphone chimed. Napatingin ako roon. It was a text
message. Huminga ako nang malalim bago sumandal sa sofa para buksan iyon. I was
reading documents here in the living room while Mill was already asleep in the
bedroom. Malalim na rin kasi ang gabi.

From: Unknown Number

How's your research going? -Leon

Halos manlaki ang mga mata ko sa nabasa, sandaling nawala ang naiisip. I checked
the number and saw that it wasn't the same number that I had blocked before. Ano
'to? Bago niya?

To: Unknown Number

Zamora?

I put aside the documents I was reading and focused on the sudden emotions rushing
through me. The text message was so unexpected . . . may problema ba siya? Kahit pa
casual kami sa isa't isa no'ng huli kaming nag-usap, hindi naman naabot ng hinagap
ko na magte-text siya. I mean, we were still ex-lovers . . . at hindi naman naging
maganda ang hiwalayan namin.

From: Unknown Number

Yeah. You haven't visited the library lately. I'm just wondering why.

Para akong hihimatayin sa nerbyos. I took deep breaths in an attempt to calm my

heart, but it didn't work out. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang mapagtanto kung gaano
kalaki ang epekto niya sa akin. One moment, I was drowning in my thoughts, and now,
I was . . . thrilled.

To: Unknown Number

Busy lang.

From: Unknown Number

In your research?

I bit my lower lip before typing a reply.

To: Unknown Number

Yeah.

From: Unknown Number

How is it going? I had some extra time the next day after telling you about the
brain scan, so I conducted some research as well. Hindi ko lang naibigay sa 'yo
'yong files na-compile ko kasi wala ka sa library.

Parang may kiliting bumalot sa dibdib ko. He did . . . what?

To: Unknown Number

It's okay. My research has been going well. Continuous study rin.

From: Unknown Number

That's great.

Hindi ko alam ang ire-reply roon. Should I ask him how he was? Pero baka isipin
niya ay . . . interesado ako. He might think I was trying my luck again. Hindi rin
iyon related sa research. Nakakahiya namang manguna.

While thinking of a response, my cellphone chimed again.

From: Unknown Number

Hindi mo na kailangan? I can still give it to you. Additional related studies.

Huminga ako nang malalim at mas lalong sumandal sa sofa. My heart was still
thumping with joy and excitement. Naaalala ko sa kanya ang Leon na nililigawan
palang ako noon. He was consistent and his ways were similar . . . laging tungkol
sa libro at pag-aaral.

To: Unknown Number

I have a lot of things at hand. Baka matagalan kung kailan ko makukuha 'yan. Thank
you, Leon. I appreciate it.

One minute after I sent that, he replied again.

From: Unknown Number

I can bring it to you now. Nasaan ka?

Lalong tumahip sa kaba ang dibdib ko. Napahawak ako roon, pilit na pinapakalma ang
pagwawala nito. He'd been a great help with my presentation. He was the real
principal author of the idea. Tama na 'yon. He didn't need to do the research with
me. Wala naman siyang alam kung para saan 'yon.

And he could have sent that to me in a lot of different ways! Hindi naman mahirap
mag-email o i-message ako sa messenger.

To: Unknown Number

You can just send it to my email. Hindi naman ako nagbago ng email address.

From: Unknown Number

It's printed.

To: Unknown Number

Nasaan 'yong file?

From: Unknown Number

I deleted it.

Sandali akong nag-isip. Hindi na talaga kailangan ang file. I have already done the
presentation. Magsisimula na rin ang production ng scan.

Kaya lang . . . ginawa niya 'yon. In his free time. Imbes na magbasa gaya ng lagi
niyang ginagawa kapag may bakante siyang oras . . . he conducted research to help
me. Even if it wasn't important anymore, he still did it, and it would be heartless
of me to let his hard work go to waste.

To: Unknown Number

Okay.

From: Unknown Number

Okay?

To: Unknown Number

I'll come get it to you. Nasaan ka ba ngayon?

My heart was pounding. Sandali kong ibinaba ang cellphone para suklayin ang buhok
gamit ang daliri. Good thing I liked using argan oil in my hair. Hindi ako
masyadong nahirapang alisin ang mga sabit-sabit noon.

From: Unknown Number

Ako na. It's dark outside. Nasa apartment ka ba?

To: Unknown Number

Hindi, ako na. It's already too much trouble for you.

From: Unknown Number

Nasa apartment ka?

Napanguso ako. Hindi niya pinansin ang sinabi ko.

To: Unknown Number

Yeah. Magbibihis lang ako at pupuntahan na kita.

From: Unknown Number

Stay put. I'll be there in a bit.

To: Unknown Number

What do you mean?

Hindi na siya nag-reply kaya paulit-ulit kong binasa ang palitan namin ng mensahe.
If I was thinking straight, he'd come over to my place now.

Tumayo ako at humarap sa salamin. I was in my sleeping jammies and my face was
bare. Namumula ang pisngi ko mula sa text messages namin . . . at hindi ko
maiwasang maalala ang kadalasan niyang paglalarawan sa akin. He knew when I was
pale . . . he knew when my cheeks were red. Ngayon ay kailangan kong kalmahin ang
sarili kung ayaw kong maabutan niya ako na namumula dahil lang sa pag-uusap namin.

For heaven's sake, two more years and you're already in your 30's, Amari!

I knew that seeing Leon wasn't my biggest problem right now and that I should focus
more on finding ways to smuggle the hidden camera into the firm . . . pero paano ko
naman gagawin 'yon kung alam kong papunta siya rito? We were just texting . . . and
now, he was on his way to see me. I mean, to give me the file.

Magbibihis at mag-aayos pa sana ako nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. I checked his
reply, and I was shaken to my core when he said he was already outside the
apartment.

Sumilip ako sa labas at naramdaman ko ang panunuyo ng lalamunan ko nang lumabas

siya ng pulang sasakyan. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and black sweatpants.
Hindi gaya noon na lumang puting sapatos ang suot niya, ngayon ay kapansin-pansin
ang branded na tsinelas niya.

Isang beses ko pang tiningnan ang sarili sa salamin bago buksan ang pinto.
Tumatahip ang puso ko sa halo-halong emosyon. Kaba, saya, takot . . . lahat. I felt
like the entire circus had been crammed into my system, and I realized right away
that the emotions I felt while presenting to the researchers were nothing compared
to the surge of emotions Leon could give me.

Nagtama ang mga mata namin habang binubuksan ko ang maliit na gate. Parang gusto
kong maiyak sa tuwa dahil nandito siya . . . pero gusto ring mabasag ng puso ko
dahil alam kong hindi naman siya nandito para yakapin ako at sabihing kaya kong
gawin ang lahat . . . that I'd figure things out . . . that I was doing my best and
it was more than enough.

"Uhm . . ." Tumikhim ako. "Hindi na ako nakapagbihis. Naghahanda na rin kasi akong
matulog."

I almost praised myself for not stuttering. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin, malamlam
ang mga mata at bahagyang nakaawang ang labi.

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay niya at napansin ang scrunchies na noon ay ibinibigay
niya sa akin. Napansin niya siguro ang pagtingin ko roon dahil iniangat niya ang
braso para iabot iyon sa akin.

"Nakita ko lang sa bag ko kaya dinala ko na rin," mahinang aniya. "Hindi ko naman
'yan magagamit. Kunin mo na."

I pursed my lips before reaching out for the three scrunchies. Walang ibang nasa
kamay niya kung hindi iyon.
"'Y-Yong . . ." Hindi ko matuloy ang sasabihin. I was at a loss for words.

Napatango siya. "Nasa . . . kotse. Kukunin ko lang."

Napabuga ako ng hangin nang lumapit siya sa sasakyan niya. Kinuha niya ang brown na
folder bago muling tumapat sa akin.

"These were the related studies I collected. I also put a few insights in there . .
. baka makatulong," sabi niya habang iniaabot sa akin ang folder.

I almost gasped when I realized how thick it was.

"A-Ang kapal . . ." mahinang saad ko. "Isang araw mo lang ginawa 'to?"

Ikinunot niya ang noo. He then moved the bridge of his glasses and shifted his
weight, as if I had asked him something that made him tense up.

"Kapag may free time, Amari," mariing sagot niya.

I bit my lower lip as guilt started to cripple me. Hindi niya naman dapat gawin
'to. Ang laking abala panigurado sa kanya.

"I did it in my own will. You don't have to be guilty," aniya na para bang nabasa
niya ang nasa isip ko.

"You're exerting too much effort, Leon. Hindi naman . . . kailangan." Umiling ako.
"Thank you for this . . . and I'm sorry for troubling you. Alam kong marami kang
ginagawa."

He stared at me fiercely. Para akong mauupos na kandila sa harap niya. I didn't

know if it was the night breeze or the way he towered over me, but I felt a sliver
of shiver down my spine.

"Kailan ka babalik sa library?" he asked after a long pause.

Lumunok ako bago sumagot. Pakiramdam ko ay may bikig sa lalamunan ko at anumang

oras ay mahihimatay ako sa harap niya.

"H-Hindi ko alam," nanghihinang sagot ko. "I'm . . . busy. Lalo ngayon."

He took a step closer to me, making my heartbeat double.

"You need help?"

Mabilis ang pag-iling ko. Peke akong tumawa bago ibinagsak ang tingin sa paa ko
dahil hindi ko kayang harapin ang talim ng mga mata niya.

"Have you been eating? Pumapayat ka."

The worry in his tone was visible. Isang beses akong tumango. Sa bilis ng tibok ng
puso ko, pakiramdam ko ay mababasag lang ang boses ko kapag nagsalita pa ako.

"You've got problems?"

I just shook my head in response. Hindi ako nag-aangat ng tingin sa kanya dahil
alam kong malapit lang siya sa akin. I could even smell his fragrance.

We fell into silence . . . that same, familiar, comfortable silence. Rinig ko ang
malalalim na paghinga niya at ang mabilis na pagtahip ng dibdib ko. It was an
amazing feeling . . . if only I could see him everyday after working for people I
loathed, I probably wouldn't be this tired.

Wala akong ideya sa gusto niyang mangyari . . . o kung bakit hinahayaan kong
magkrus ulit ang landas namin. For me, seeing him was a gift from heaven. At gusto
kong paulit-ulit na matanggap ang regaling 'yon hangga't puwede pa . . . hangga't
nagpaparamdam pa siya.

I looked at the scrunchie I was holding, and all of a sudden, like the way we met
today, an idea hit me like a bolt of lightning.

Bago pa ako malunod sa naiisip ay halos maestatwa ako sa pagdampi ng kamay ni Leon
sa ulo ko. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya at hindi agad ako nakabawi sa lamlam ng
mga mata niya habang pinapanood ako. His eyes were so kind and gentle as he lightly
tapped my head, as if he was trying to calm my thoughts.

"Whatever that was . . ." he whispered. "You've got it."

Umawang ang labi ko sa sinabi niya. He still could read right through me.

"Don't block my number again. Call me if you need someone, okay?"

Hindi ako makasagot. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. He was so stunning to look at, a
sight to behold, and I could only assume that fate had made us meet tonight so that
I could gain inspiration on what I should do next.

"Okay?" pag-uulit niya.

Tumango ako habang dahan-dahan niyang inaalis ang kamay sa ulo ko.

He smiled softly. "Go back inside. Ipagpabukas mo na ang pagbabasa n'yan. Just rest
already."

Nahihipnotismong sumunod ako sa gusto niyang mangyari. I could feel him watching me
until I inside the apartment. Dumungaw ako sa bintana para panoorin din ang pag-
alis niya. He stayed for a few minutes, staring at the apartment, before sliding
himself into his car. Malakas pa rin ang pintig ng puso ko pero hindi gaya kanina
ay magaan na ang pakiramdam ko.

Leon would always be a help to me . . . even without his knowledge. He had helped
me grow as a person before, and now, he was giving me ideas just by letting me see
him.

To: Unknown Number

Thank you, Leon. Mag-iingat ka sa daan. Good night.

Imbes na magpahinga nang gabing iyon ay tinanggal ko ang stitches ng scrunchie na

ibinigay niya at inilagay roon ang maliit na camera. The security guards' metal
detectors only went from our necks to our shoes. If I pulled my hair back into a
ponytail next week, no one would think there was something in my scrunchie.
Tinahian ko rin iyon ng zipper para mabilis kong makuha ang camera kapag nagkataon.

When the day finally arrived, I was writhing with fear in security, but I kept a
straight face like I always do.

"Check po ng bag, ma'am," saad ng lalaki sa akin.

I handed over my bag as the metal detector swept across my body. Ang hikaw,
kwintas, pulseras, at relo ay ichine-check din. Even the cellphones. Nakaboknay ang
buhok ko at sinigurado kong ang scrunchie ay nakatago sa ilalim ng mga hibla nito.

"Pataas po ng dalawang kamay . . ."

I raised my arms sideward at my shoulder level and let the security guard scan my
clothes and all. Tumaas ang metal detector sa balikat ko at pakiramdam ko ay
pinagpapawisan ako nang malamig dahil parang anumang oras ay iiikot niya ang
detector hanggang ulo ko.

"Ms. Mendoza!"

Napabuga ako ng hangin nang tawagin ako ni Dr. Draanen. Ibinaba ko ang kamay at
tumingin sa security guard na bumaling din sa tumawag sa akin.

"Good to go na ba, kuya?" kuha ko sa atensyon niya. "Tinatawag na po ako . . ."

dagdag ko pa para mataranta siya.

It was effective. Ibinaba niya ang metal detector at iniabot ang bag ko sa akin.

"Okay na po, ma'am. Thank you po."

Isang beses akong tumango. I was relieved. I knew it would work, but I was
preparing for the worst. May mga unforeseen events kasi na puwedeng mangyari.

"We'll go into the laboratory at 9. My team has already prepared everything you
need. Sila na rin ang bahala sa documentation," saad ni Dr. Draanen sa akin nang
makalapit ako sa kanya.

"I don't know how to use an fMRI. Hindi po ako doctor," sagot ko. "I'd appreciate
it if you'd help me."

He nodded. "Of course."

Sabay kaming umakyat sa office. I fixed myself up when I got to my seat and took my
comb out of my bag. Nagpaalam ako saglit sa kanya na kailangan kong pumunta sa
banyo para mag-ayos at hinayaan niya lang naman ako. When I got inside a cubicle, I
removed my scrunchie and pulled out the small camera in there. Matapos iyon ay
paulit-ulit kong sinuklay ang buhok ko. I also stayed there for a while, so no one
would think I was hurrying.

Inilagay ko ang camera sa bulsa ng suot kong blusa. I would take it out later, once
we were at the laboratory.

Bumalik ako sa upuan ko at inasikaso ang mga dokumentong dadalhin ko sa loob. My

heart was pounding against my chest, but I knew I wouldn't mess things up. I was
shaking my legs, trying to remove the tension in my system. Nakita ko pa si Percy
na kinaukausap si Dr. Draanen, at sa likod niya ay si Psyche na nagmamasid lang sa
paligid.

When our eyes met, she gave me a nod.

Hindi na ako nagulat nang makalipas lang ang ilang minuto nang makaalis sila ay may
mensahe na sa akin ang babae.

From: Psyche

Percy told Dr. Draanen to remind you of all the precautions before entering the
lab. No biggies. Mag-iingat ka.
I was nervous as hell. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa natatakot akong mahuli o dahil
sa natatakot akong malaman kung ano ang nasa taas. I knew this company had deeper
ethical issues... and the only way I could make them pay for what they did was to
do this right.

I took deep, long breaths. I thought of Leon to pacify myself. Pagkatapos ng lahat
ng 'to . . . I'd give him a hug. Wala na akong pakialam kung ano ang iisipin niya.
I just needed to hug him. My heart . . . needed it.

"Let's go."

I tried not to collapse while I was in the elevator with Dr. Draanen and the other
three researchers who would assist me. Mag-o-observe lang ako dahil sila naman ang
gagawa ng halos lahat. I would just write down everything I saw on the scan . . .
and that was it. Sa pagkakaalam ko pa ay isa hanggang dalawang araw bago mukha ang
buong resulta kaya baka hindi rin kami magtagal sa laboratory. I would just . . .
act and probably buy my time.

Pinagsuot muna ako ng lab coat, mask, at safety glasses bago kami pumasok sa loob.
My heart was still in disarray. Nang buksan ni Dr. Draanen ang pinto ay tuluyan
akong huminga nang malalim.

As soon as we entered, I noticed how spotless everything was. The lab equipment was
set up nicely in glass cabinets, and the machine we'd be using was already set up.
Malawak ang paligid . . . too extensive for its use.

I continued to look around the area, and I felt a pang of pain in my gut when I saw
a white door at the end of the corridor. I didn't know if it was my instinct or
what . . . but I was certain that it was where the patients were placed.

"Let's start."

Hindi agad ako nakakilos. There was a seething stench of blood and the sound of
cries for help that I could almost taste in my mouth.

No, this place isn't a laboratory . . . this is hell.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawang umarte na parang walang kaalam-alam sa

nangyari sa lugar na 'to. I wanted to cry because I couldn't understand why these
criminals were wearing tailored suits while the people they killed were wearing
hospital gowns. Instead of getting help, innocent, defenseless patients' lives were
taken. Instead of finding hope, they died at the hands of the people they trusted.

Amari . . . you can't let your emotions win. You have a goal. Keep that in mind.

My anger was bubbling up in my bones, tightening every muscle and trying so hard to
get out. Nagpatong-patong ang galit ko na tuluyang nawala ang takot na kanina lang
ay nananahan sa loob ko.

Why should I be afraid now that I've gotten this far and they're still clueless
about my plans? Why should I be afraid of those fucking murderers who didn't bat an
eye when they killed the patients we were desperately trying to save? Why should I
be afraid of them when all I have to lose is my life?

"While waiting for the complete result, we can get down to continue our work. We
can get the result later in the afternoon," saad ni Dr. Draanen habang inilalabas
ang brain sample.
I kept my straight face. "How long does it take to scan the brain?"

Pinanood ko kung paano niya inilagay sa loob ng machine ang sample. One of the
researchers took photos while the other two helped Dr. Draanen. I wrote down
everything I could see and asked Dr. Draanen all the questions I had in mind. I
kept an eye on everything, planning where to position the camera for the optimum
angle.

"Can I ask something?" tanong ko.

"Yes?"

Tinuro ko ang researcher na kumukuha ng larawan.

"Why does he need to take pictures? We have CCTV to record everything. And . . . it
isn't like I'm not here to observe."

Tumawa ang lalaki. "The entire lab doesn't have CCTV, Ms. Mendoza . . . and we need
close-up shots of the whole process."

Pinigilan ko ang magpakita ng tuwa sa narinig. Iyon lang ang pumipigil sa akin na
kumilos.

I chuckled. "Right . . . I just got curious. Sorry."

Tumango lang siya bago muling binalingan ang machine. A few more minutes passed,
and his attention drifted back to me.

"Puwede na tayong bumaba. My team will take care of the results. Tatawagin na lang
tayo kapag ready na," saad nito matapos ang scanning.

"Can't I stay?" I asked, making sure that disappointment was written on my face.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Why?"

"Because I want to watch everything," diretsong sagot ko naman. "I can wait with
your team. I'll look into the machine as well, just in case I need to make any
adjustments to my article."

"Is it necessary?"

I sighed. "I want to make sure I don't miss anything, Dr. Draanen. This is the only
project I have, and I need to do it well if I want to stay at this firm as a
researcher." Pinalungkot ko ang itsura. "I can't work as a cleaner again. Alam kong
dito ako hahatulan kung mananatili ba akong researcher . . . o taga-linis."

Nakaiintinding tumango siya. "Okay, then, I'll wait with you. Para kapag may tanong
ka, ako 'yong makakausap mo. I'm still training my team. They can't give you
precise answers."

Ngumiti ako sa kanya. "Thank you, doc."

I was furious, so furious that I would do anything to find proof. Wala ang takot sa
dibdib ko. It had been completely overshadowed by my fury.

"You should also get an fMRI, Dr. Draanen. We need to compare the results, right?"

The doctor chuckled. "We prepared it already. Nag-undergo kahapon 'yong isa sa team
ko. You want to see the process, too? Parehas lang naman."
Umiling ako. "No need. Puwedeng patingin na lang ng resulta?"

He told one of the researchers to get the results, and that person did as he
directed. Ilang minuto lang ang lumipas ay bumalik ito sa puwesto at iniabot sa
akin ang image.

Sinilip ko ang nag-uusap na mga researcher at si Dr. Draanen bago pasimpleng

inilabas ang camera sa bulsa ng suot kong blusa. It was so small that I could hide
it in my palm.

I walked back and forth to make sure I got to the front of the door at the end of
the hallway. Malayo iyon sa amin pero sigurado akong kayang kunan iyon ng camera.

If I could hide this in one of the glass cabinets, I could watch the whole thing on
my laptop later . . . pero parang mas maganda yata ang anggulo kung sa microscope
na nasa mesa ko ito ilalagay. Ideal place iyon dahil may objective lens ang
microscope kung saan ko puwedeng idikit ang camera.

"Why are you walking?"

Halos mapaigtad ako sa biglang pagsasalita ni Dr. Draanen. Beads of sweat started
to form on my forehead, but I just shook it off and immediately came up with a
reason.

"Ganito po talaga ako kapag nag-iisip," saad ko. "I'm trying to analyze the result
of a normal person's brain neuroimaging on my own."

He nodded. "Just don't move around too much or touch anything."

"Yes, doc."

Wala namang suspetya sa mga mata niya kaya nakahinga ako nang malalim. I waited for
a few minutes before walking up to the table where the microscope was. Inilapag ko
pa roon ang image at nagpanggap na inaaral iyon.

"Doc, can I sit here?" may kalakasang tanong ko.

Lumingon si Dr. Draanen sa akin.

"Magsusulat lang po ako," dagdag ko pa.

Isang beses ulit siyang tumango. Nang masigurado kong walang matang nakatutok sa
akin ay agad kong ikinabit ang maliit na camera sa isa sa mga objective lenses at
iniikot iyon para maitutok sa tapat ng pinto kung saan ko hinihinalang may
nakakulong na mga pasyente.

I did it so quickly while keeping an eye on the researchers who might suddenly look
at me.

Saktong pagkababa ng kamay ko ay nilingon ako ni Dr. Draanen. I was practically

gasping for air, and my heart felt like it was going to burst. That was fucking
close!

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo d'yan?"

My lips trembled. "I-Inaaral pa rin po."

Damn, Amari! Don't fucking stutter!

"Come up here. The results are ready."

Hindi ako nakapagtrabaho nang maayos buong araw. I wanted to go home already and
check my laptop so that I could watch what was going on inside the lab. Hindi ako
pinagsuspetyahan manlang ni Dr. Draanen o ng mga kasama naming researcher. I played
curious the whole time I was there.

I wanted to shout, cry, and just curse the freaking entire firm. I did it . . .
successfully. Without a fucking hitch! I knew it was my anger that drove me to do
that. Kung kinakabahan ako kanina ay malaki ang tyansa na nahuli ako . . . but
then, they didn't deserve my fear. No criminals did.

Itinext ko agad si Psyche tungkol doon pero hindi siya nag-reply. The worst-case
scenario was for someone to see the camera and link it to my IP address. I had to
make sure I had the evidence I needed before that happened.

Nang makauwi ay dali-dali akong tumakbo papunta sa silid ko. I opened my laptop and
watched the silent, dark laboratory. Bumaba rin ang tingin ko sa bug na ilang
linggo ko nang hindi nagagamit kaya ichinarge ko iyon habang naghihintay.

With bated breath, I waited, eyes glued to the screen. I cried for hours, offering
up prayers to the saints I knew, and sharing the depths of my heartache and
despair.

I was prepared for the worst. Kung mahuhuli ako . . . I wouldn't bring Psyche down
with me. Walang naging sagabal sa akin para isagawa ang mga plano ko, at makuha ko
lang ang isang record na may mga pasyente nga sa loob ng laboratory . . . wala na
akong pakialam sa puwedeng mangyari.

But then, for the first time in a long time, the heavens listened to me.

Nanakit ang mata ko sa haba ng panonood, pero wala akong naramdamang pagod. I
picked up the already fully charged bug and listened to it alongside watching.

Nahigit ko ang hininga nang makita ang pagpasok ng head cleaner. She turned on all
the lights, and my vision of the laboratory became clearer.

She started by cleaning everything, which made me realize why the area was so
clean. Walang audio ang camera pero dahil sa bug na itinalagay ko noon sa ilalim ng
cart niya ay para ko rin siyang naririnig.

"Aalis na kami?"

Napatingin ako sa bug nang marinig iyon. My eyes were wide open and my lips were
parted as I stared at the bug I had unconsciously ignored for . . . weeks.

"Pahinging pagkain . . ."

Napatakip ako sa bibig ko kasabay ng pagragasa ng luha sa mga mata ko.

"Ate, siguro kaya kami nakakulong kasi masama kami, 'no?"

I clenched my heart against my chest, feeling the pain from the innocent voices of
the patients. Mula sa screen ng laptop ko ay pinanood ko kung paanong binuksan ng
head cleaner ang pinto . . . at doon ay nasaksihan ko ang mga kamay ng pasyente na
pilit na inaabot siya. The camera was too far away for me to see their faces, but I
could see so clearly that their hands were reaching for her, as if grabbing her
would set them free.
I stomached the pain of watching and hearing everything.

"Ayoko na rito. Ahhhh! Naririnig n'yo 'yon? May papatay sa 'kin!"

"Ate, gutom na 'ko. Kailan ulit kami kakain?"

"Manahimik kayo! Kaya tayo ikinulong dito kasi may mananakit sa atin!"

Those were the voices of the patients . . . some were hallucinating and having
delusions. Hindi sumasagot ang head cleaner. Nililinis niya lang ang silid nila.
There were a lot of voices . . . and thinking that they were shouting for help
earlier while I was there . . . I couldn't . . . I just couldn't.

When the lights went out again, I started crying all over again.

"Putangina n'yo!" I yelled so loudly that I think everyone on the street heard me.
"Mga demonyo kayo!"

Hindi ko alam kung paanong nangyaring yakap-yakap na ako ni Mill habang nagwawala
ako. I flung my phone against the wall and yanked my hair out, realizing I had the
same hair as the woman who had imprisoned the patients there.

"Mari, ano ba!" natataranta nang sigaw ni Mill habang kinakalma ako.

I didn't listen. I scratched my skin with my nails because the blood that was
pouring over me was from devils! I rubbed my eyes so hard that all I could see was
dark because my eyes were so much like Percy's!

I hate myself! I hate that I resemble them! I hate being the product of those
fucking monsters!

"Mari . . ."

Umiling ako at patuloy na sinabunutan ang sarili. My knees buckled under the weight
of the pain. There on the floor, with Mill's arms around me, I grieved.

For the voices that were silenced. For the lives that were lost. For the hopes that
died. I grieved.

Para akong nabibingi dahil wala akong ibang naririnig kung hindi ang takot na boses
ng mga pasyente. Some were even having their episodes . . . some were hungry . . .
some were just crying.

"M-Mill . . ." nanghihinang tawag ko sa kaibigan.

"P-Please, Mari. Calm down, please. Tumawag na ako ng ambulansya . . . help will be
here soo—"

Umiling ako. "T-The 35th anniversary of that fucking firm will be in two weeks."

Paos na paos ako. I knew I shouted so loudly.

"Magpahinga ka na muna. Sige na, please . . ."

I reached for her hand and squeezed it tightly. I couldn't wait until then. Baka
mahuli kami ni Psyche. All the evidence was at hand already. Kailangan naming
kumilos agad.
I couldn't submit these to the police . . . so I needed to turn to the one I knew I
could trust.

"I'll give you an exclusive story to cover," I whispered weakly. "Make it trending.
Make it the top search. Make it the talk of the town."

Muling bumagsak ang luha ko.

"Mill . . . make my parents realize that I am not just Amari."

Those were my last words until I passed out . . . unaware of another nightmare that
was waiting for me.

Chapter 45 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 45

In humanistic psychology, it was believed that people were inherently good. That if
their lives weren't so full of shit and junk, they wouldn't make morally wrong
decisions.

Hindi ko kinuwestyon iyon noon man. At some point, I believed it too. Na kung hindi
dahil sa nangyayari sa atin, hindi tayo gagawa ng mali. Our choices were influenced
by the society we were raised in. Dapat ganito . . . dapat gan'yan . . . at kapag
hindi mo naabot ang pamantayan nila, magiging sanhi ka lang ng dismaya.

That's why a lot of people tend to do bad things. They tell blatant lies to gain
mercy. They changed themselves to fit in. They sell their morals to buy the
approval of others.

But then, if we kept taking these people in, they wouldn't realize what was wrong.
If we kept agreeing with their reasons, they wouldn't think about the results of
their actions. If we kept looking the other way when they did wrong, they would
think that justice was just a myth.

Mabigat ang pakiramdam ko nang magmulat ako ng mata. My vision was still blurry,
but I knew I wasn't in the apartment. Tumingin ako sa gilid ko at napansin ang
nakayukong lalaki. Hawak niya ang kamay ko at hindi ko na kailangang magtanong pa
kung sino siya gayong kilalang-kilala ko ang init ng palad niya.

"Leon . . ." I said weakly.

Agad ang pag-aangat niya ng tingin sa akin. The moment our gazes locked, I saw the
extreme fear in his eyes. So extreme that it broke through his glasses.

Wala siyang inaksayang panahon. He called a nurse and told her to inform a doctor
to come see me right away, as if my case were an emergency. Pinanood ko lang siya,
puno ng pagtataka ang dibdib kung bakit siya ang kasama ko gayong si Mill ang huli
kong kausap.

"She's over fatigue."

Bukod doon ay wala na akong naintindihan sa sinabi ng doctor. My attention was

drawn to Leon and the way he asked everyone what measures should be taken to ensure
that this would not happen again.
Naramdaman ko ang pagkirot ng puso ko.

Alam ko namang pagod na ang katawan ko. All my life, I worked nonstop. No'ng bata,
sa ampunan, para may maibaon sa eskwela, kailangan naming magtinda ng sampaguita o
magtahi ng mga butas sa sako. No'ng mag-highschool, nag-aral akong magmake-up para
magkaroon ng sariling pera dahil maraming gastusin at wala naman akong puwedeng
daingan. No'ng college, hindi ako tumigil sa pagtatrabaho para may matirahan kami .
. . para may maipambayad sa pag-aaral at maipanglaman sa sikmura. At no'ng
makapagtapos . . . hindi pa rin ako nakahanap ng oras para makapagpahinga.

I worked so hard for myself. To become better. To improve.

Wala akong tigil. Hanggang ngayon. Kahit may kakayanan na, masyadong malupit ang
mundo sa akin para hayaan akong makahinga manlang.

I was so used to being tired that resting felt illegal anymore.

"Amari . . ." Leon called me, his voice soft and kind.

My lips quivered . . . and before I knew it, I broke down into tears . . . again.

Naalala ko lahat. Mula sa mga pinagdaanan ko hanggang sa naging dahilan kung bakit
ako nandito.

The hands reaching for the head cleaner. The pleas asking for help. The delusions
and hallucinations. The hunger and innocence.

Naramdaman ko ang mahigpit na yakap sa akin ni Leon. I was shaking, trembling in

horror. A lot of people died, thinking that they were in that fucking laboratory
because they were bad! A lot of them starved! A lot of them asked for help but
nobody . . . nobody in that firm listened!

"L-Leon . . ." hikbi ko. "H-Hindi dapat ako nandito. May mga . . . may mga pasyente
sa loob ng lab. Humihingi sila ng pagkain. Humihingi sila ng tulong. Narinig ko
sila, Leon. B-Baka kung ano pang gawin sa kanila. Exposed sila sa chemicals . . .
kailangan kong tawagan ang pamilya nila. Kailangan kong pumunta sa fir—"

Leon cupped my face and gently stroked my cheeks. I was panting, remembering all
the things that were going on inside the firm.

"Leave everything to me, hmm?"

Puno ng lambing ang boses niya pero umiling ako.

"Amari, listen . . ." he whispered, holding my face tighter so that I couldn't

shake it anymore.

"H-Hindi, Leon. Ikaw ang makinig sa 'kin . . ."

Pinalis niya ang luhang tumulo sa pisngi ko. His lips were shaking, and there was a
visible stinging pain in his eyes.

"My . . . parents," I muttered. "D-Demonyo sila . . . lahat ng ebidensya laban sa

kanila, nakuha namin ni Psyche. Walang makikinig na pulis sa 'min kaya kailangang
dalhin 'yan sa media. Everything is on my laptop. Recorded lahat. 'Yong plano na i-
expose sila sa anniversary . . ." Umiling ako. "Hindi ko puwedeng sundin. It has to
be done as soon as possible. At kapag nandito ako, wala akong magagawa . . ."
Patuloy ang paghaplos niya sa pisngi ko. He was doing it gently as if he was afraid
I would break.

"Habang nandito ka . . . ako muna, okay?" His voice cracked. "Tulungan ulit
tayo . . . gaya ng dati. You can depend on me. Kung ano'ng gusto mo, gagawin ko.
Basta, magpahinga ka. Promise me that."

Umiling ako. Paulit-ulit. Tuloy ang pag-agos ng luha sa pisngi.

"Amari naman, please . . ." he pleaded.

"Ayoko, Leon," iling ko ulit.

He breathed deeply. "Okay, then at least rest for a while, hmm?"

Tumitig ako sa kanya at kahit alam kong gustong-gusto niya akong tulungan ay
sumilip ang maliit na takot sa puso ko. He was always concerned about me. Always
too worried. Parang kaya niyang ibigay ang lahat ng hilingin ko.

"Leon, hindi mo 'ko kargo," bulong ko. "If you keep pushing this . . . you'll get
tired again."

I felt him stiffen as his eyes welled up with tears. Ibinuka niya ang bibig, parang
may gustong sabihin, pero walang lumabas na kahit anong salita mula roon. He ended
up biting his lower lip, as if trying to hold back his emotions. Ramdam ko sa kamay
niyang nakahawak sa akin ang panginginig niya, at nang mag-iwas siya ng tingin ay
bumitaw siya nang tuluyan sa akin.

Hindi ko alam kung paanong nakatulog ulit ako matapos iyon. Hindi ko alam kung
ilang oras, pero nang magkamalay ako . . . napagtanto kong hindi pa tapos ang mundo
sa pagpaparusa sa akin.

"Nakita ko sa laptop niya. Kasama niya sa lahat ng 'to si Psyche . . ."

It was Mill's voice. She was talking to someone.

"Kung nagkataong wala ako sa apartment kagabi . . . kung nagkataong nag-overtime

ako sa trabaho . . . kung hindi ako nakatawag agad ng ambulansya, baka kung ano na
ring nangyari sa kanya!"

Her tone sounded thick with worry, almost like she was frustrated.

"Kat, Psyche was found unconscious in her pad just this morning!"

Para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa narinig.

"Sira lahat ng gamit niya, at hanggang ngayon, hinahanap pa rin kung sino'ng
sumaksak sa kanya. She's in a coma . . . she has bruises of abuse all over her
body. Kung hindi kami nakarating agad sa ospital, baka isinunod na nila si Mari."

Unti-unti akong nagdilat ng mata, tahimik na ipinagdarasal na panaginip ko lang ang

lahat. It felt like the weight of the world had been placed on my heart, and now,
every muscle and joint in my body was in deep pain.

Sana panaginip lang . . . sana guni-guni ko lang . . . pero hindi.

The sun's rays hurt my eyes while Mill's shadows cast a silhouette on the window.
She was holding a phone up to her ears, and I could see that she was panting,
almost out of breath.
"C-Comatose si Psyche?" nanghihinang tanong ko.

Napatingin siya sa akin. She dropped the call right away and rushed to me, her face
full of worry.

"Papunta na sina Kat at Karsen. Over fatigue ka raw sabi ng doc—"

"Comatose si Psyche?!" pag-uulit ko.

"Mari, kailangan mong makinig sa 'kin. Your safety is my number 1 priority no—"

"Sagutin mo 'ko, Mill! Comatose ba si Psyche?!"

Yumuko siya. "I'm sorry . . . Mari."

Paulit-ulit akong umiling. "No . . . you're joking, right?"

Psyche's face flashed in my head. Ang pagtataray kapag inaasar ko siya at ang
pagnguso kapag hindi niya naiintindihan ang binabasa. She was so determined to put
an end to all of this. Hindi siya nagsawang bigyan ako ng update . . . malaki man o
maliit. She trusted me so much even though she knew I could easily turn my back
against her.

The world hates pretty girls, I guess.

"N-No . . ." Nabasag ang boses ko. "Psyche . . . no."

You will be their greatest downfall, Mari. I can't wait to see that.

Tuluyang nalaglag ang luha ko. I looked at the dextrose that was stuck in my hand
and took it off right away. I was thinking about Psyche and how she had to stay
with me until our plan was over.

"Mari, ano ba?!"

Hindi ako nakinig sa sigaw ni Mill. I needed to see Psyche. Hangga't hindi ko siya
nakikita, hindi ako maniniwalang may sumaksak sa kanya! We were hiding so well! We
were attacking from the inside! Imposibleng mahuli kami nang ganoon na lang!

"Bitawan mo 'ko, Millicent!" I shouted with all my might when Mill pinned me down
on the bed, stopping me from standing. "K-Kausap ko lang si Psyche kahapon bago ako
pumasok sa lab! Sinungaling ka!"

"Mari, makinig ka muna sa 'ki—"

"Hindi mo 'ko naiintindihan, Mill! Psyche wants nothing but to put Percy and Valeen
in jail! She was abused and beaten up as a kid! Ang dami niyang peklat!" I cried
out. "N-Nakuha na namin lahat ng ebidensya! Madali na dapat 'to lahat! Makikita
niya na kung paanong makukulong ang mga putanginang 'yon, kaya ano'ng sinasabi mong
nasaksak siya?!"

"Kumalma ka muna!"

Muling nagbagsakan ang mga luha ko. "How can I calm down, Mill?! How?!"

Sa lakas ng boses ko ay dumalo sa akin ang ilang nurse. With all that was left in
me, I screamed and sobbed, furious at the cold, merciless world for how it had
abused me and Psyche. Nahirapan silang ibalik ang dextrose ko, pero wala akong
pakialam. I wanted to see Psyche. I wanted to be sure that she was safe.

Tinurukan ako ng pampakalma o pampatulog . . . hindi ko na alam. Basta sigurado

akong mabigat ang puso ko nang mawalan ulit ako ng malay.

It was so tiring . . . the whole thing was sucking the crap out of me. Sa loob ng
dalawa at kalahating araw na nasa ospital ako ay wala na akong ibang ginawa kung
hindi ang umiyak. There were bodyguards outside my room, hired by Karsen's husband,
Kobe. Palitan din sina Karsen at Kat sa pagbabantay sa akin dahil inaasikaso ni
Mill ang mga ebidensyang nakalap namin.

Ang sabi ni Kat, bumibisita rin daw sa akin si Leon pero lagi akong tulog. Hindi
naman na iyon ang naiisip ko dahil punong-puno ako ng pag-aalala kay Psyche. I
advised everyone not to tell my other friends about it because the criminal was
still at large and we still needed to work as quietly as possible.

Sa bahay nina Karsen muna ako inuuwi ng mga kaibigan ko. Ngayon, alam kong alam na
ni Percy kung sino ang katulong ni Psyche sa paglalabas ng baho niya. Bukod sa
posibleng nakita niya sa mga files ng babae, I'm sure my sudden disappearance
raised suspicions.

But then, unlike Psyche, I had friends who could make sure I was safe. Lahat kaming
magkakaibigan ay may sari-sariling bodyguards lalo at alam namin kung gaano
kalaking tao si Percy. We were protected by money. Mula sa asawa ni Karsen, sa
manliligaw nina Kat at Mill . . . kay Leon.

But Psyche . . . she had none. I failed to protect her when I was the one who
assured her not to be scared.

I let another day go by, allowing my friends to finish what I started. Malaking
tanong sa akin kung bakit hindi ako personal na inaatake ni Percy. Not me . . . not
even my loved ones. Sinabi sa akin ni Mill na katu-katulong niya si Leon sa pag-
aasikaso ng lahat. They were working as silently as they could. They watched
Percy's every move and even hired people to keep an eye on the ones who might have
helped him.

Everything was a blur to me. Apat na araw palang ang nakakalipas, pakiramdam ko ay
ang dami nang nangyari. Psyche was still in a coma and was facing a lot of organ
complications. Ininterview ang mga nasa firm pero lahat sila ay may alibi. Even
Percy.

Akala ko ay matatapos na lang ang lahat na ganoon ang estado ko. I was still in
shock and my body was all tired from all the shit I went through.

But then, it all came back to the reason why I did this.

"Leon was taken to the police."

Sa sinabing iyon ni Mill ay para akong natauhan.

"What?" I asked through my teeth.

"May mga eyewitness na nagsabing si Leon daw ang huling nakasama ni Psyche bago
siya nasaksak. Sinabi rin ng mga residents sa katabing pad ni Psyche na nagtalo
'yong dalawa," mas detelyadong aniya. "Someone told the police that they were
lovers . . . and Psyche was trying to break up with him. May motive."

I clenched my fist. "Hindi totoo 'yan, Mill. Hindi gusto ni Psyche si Leon!"
"I know," sagot niya.

"It's Percy!" mariing saad ko. "I'm sure it's him.'

Tumango ang babae. "Psyche contacted Leon the night she was attacked. Totoong
nagkita sila."

Huminga ako nang malalim, hindi makatingin nang diretso sa kanya. "Why?"

"Sinabi ni Psyche lahat kay Leon. That you're working with her and that she's
worried about you . . . being exposed," aniya na lalong nagpakirot ng dibdib ko.
"Silang dalawa ni Leon ang sumira ng lahat ng gamit. Nakakatunog na raw kasi si
Percy lalo at maraming CCTV footage ang hindi recorded. With Leon's help, they
destroyed the evidence, making sure that you already had copies. No'ng naghiwalay
sila, sa 'yo na dapat didiretso si Leon . . . pero nasa ospital na tayo."

I pictured everything in my head. Ang huling pag-uusap pa namin ni Leon ay noong

nasa ospital ako. He said he'd help me, but I turned him down because I didn't want
to wear him out. From time to time, during the past week, kapag pupunta siya rito
at magbibigay ng update kay Mill ay nahuhuli ko siyang nakatingin sa akin. I knew
he wanted to talk to me, but we both didn't have the energy to do so.

Gusto kong alisin siya sa gulong 'to. He was the reason why I worked for the firm.
This was my last shot of love for him.

At ngayong nadadamay siya sa bagay na wala naman siyang kinalaman . . .

nararamdaman ko ulit ang pagsiklab ng apoy ng galit sa puso ko para sa mga taong
naglagay sa amin dito.

Kami ni Psyche ang nagsimula ng lahat kaya kami rin ang dapat tumapos. At habang
hindi pa kaya ni Psyche . . . ng ka-partner ko . . . walang ibang magtutuldok dito
kung hindi ako.

Hindi si Mill. Hindi ang pera ng iba. Hindi si Leon.

Ako.

"I need to talk to him," saad ko bago tumayo. "Nasa station siya?"

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Sino?"

"Si Leon."

Huminga siya nang malalim at tumango. "I'll come with you. Nasabi niya na lahat sa
'kin, pero alam kong kailangan mo rin siyang makausap."

I was nervous as hell, pained at the thought of seeing Leon being held up in a
prison cell. May mga kasama kaming bodyguards pagpunta roon, at habang nasa byahe
ay sinabi sa akin ni Mill na isa hanggang dalawang araw puwedeng i-hold ng mga
pulis si Leon. I'm sure he could easily get away with this because I knew he was
innocent, but still, the thought of seeing him in jail, not as a visitor of his
siblings but as an offender . . . my heart couldn't take it lightly.

Nang makarating kami roon ay si Mill ang nakipag-usap sa mga pulis. My eyes were
directed immediately at a cell. Nakaupo siya sa sahig at may dalawang lalaki pang
kasama sa loob. His head was bowed, glasses were on the floor beside him, as he
massaged the bridge of his nose. Gusot ang damit niya at magulo ang may kakapalang
buhok. Even without seeing his full face, I knew it was him.
Walang pagdadalawang-isip akong lumapit selda. There were noises around me, but the
sound of my heart breaking drowned them.

"Zamora," I said, controlling the emotions that were curling in my tone.

Agad ang pag-angat niya ng tingin sa akin. His eyes widened a bit.

"Ilalabas kita d'yan," mas mariing saad ko. "Don't lose your guard."

Kinuha niya ang salamin sa sahig at isinuot iyon. He stood up and walked over to
me, his eyes full of care and worry. Gusto ko siyang sigawan at sumbatan kung bakit
siya pumayag na malagay sa loob ng selda gayong wala naman siyang kasalanan. Gusto
kong magalit dahil imbes na nagpapahinga siya . . . ako lagi ang inaalala niya.

"Kumusta ang pakiramdam mo?"

I clenched my fist on the softness of his voice. Ang isang kamay ko ay humawak na
sa bakal ng selda para humingi ng suporta roon. There he was, locked up in a cell,
and still . . . he wanted to know how I was feeling? He was really, really . . .
silly.

"O-Okay lang," mahinang sagot ko bago yumuko. I couldn't stand his eyes. "Ikaw?"

"Okay lang din."

I breathed deeply, forcing myself not to cry. "I'll get through this, right?"

"Oo naman," sagot niya. "After all, the ball was yours to hit now."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. "What do you mean?"

"Tingin mo ba papayag akong makulong dito kung alam kong hindi ka ligtas sa labas?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. "I don't understand."

"I estimated the time. Alam kong darating ang oras na mapagbibintangan ako. I just
didn't tell anyone that yet because I had to assure your safety first." He smiled a
little. "Sige na. Umalis ka na rito hangga't hindi pa pumupunta si Mr. Mendoza."

"Leon . . ." Umiling ako. "Hindi kita naiintindihan."

Lumapit siya sa selda, halos nakadikit na ang katawan sa bakal.

"Hindi niya alam na kasama ka ni Psyche."

Doon nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "Huh?"

"Kaya hindi ka nila ginagalaw, Amari . . ." aniya. "He thought she was working with
Dr. Talavera or . . . me."

Napasinghap ako nang ilagay niya ang kamay sa ilalim ng kamay ko. Sinadya niyang
banggain iyon . . . para bang sinusuportahan iyon mula sa ilalim.

"Leon . . . hindi ganoon katanga si Percy. I disappeared without saying anything,

and he knew you were my ex-boyfriend. Si Psyche rin ang nagpasok sa akin sa firm at
sa research team. Imposibleng hindi niya natunugan 'yon! He might have noticed the
camera I put inside the lab now. He could easily link it to my IP address!"

"I cracked your email. Nahulaan ko ang password mo. I sent them a leave of absence
letter and your medical certificate," he confessed. "I'm sorry. Wala akong binasa
ro'n. I just used it to email them."

"Still . . . that doesn't make sense. Malabong hindi nila ako pinaghihinalaan."

Umiling siya. "He can't think straight. Mrs. Alvarado has been losing touch with
him, and he isn't doing very well."

"What?"

"Why do you think he was so eager to create a medicine that would cure
schizophrenia?"

I breathed, not knowing where the conversation was heading.

"Because he wanted to beat Clozapine. Makapagmayabang."

"No." He shook his head again. "It's because he was suffering from it."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "S-Schizophrenia?"

Tumango siya. "I've been looking at that for years because the firm was too focused
on making drugs for that specific disorder. I followed him for years, too, and I'm
not too dumb to figure out that he had symptoms. I've seen him take Clozapine, but
even that didn't help him well."

Naramdaman ko ang kamay niya sa akin.

"Let's distract him. I'll act like I really did plan everything with Psyche," he
said. "Now's the time to do what you planned, Amari. Don't let your efforts go to
waste."

I didn't know how I managed to digest all that information. Alam kong hindi
magsisinungaling sa akin si Leon at hindi rin ako para magduda sa kakayanan niya.
It answered all my questions right away. Kung bakit hindi ako ginagalaw ni
Percy . . . at kung bakit parang ang dali-dali ng lahat.

All my plans worked out . . . except keeping Psyche safe. Sa pangongolekta ng

ebidensya, kahit namuhay sa kaba, ay hindi ako nahuli.

It explains everything. Percy's defenses were starting to drop, and he was losing
sight of reality. Nagagalit siya kay Valeen . . . which was new. Hindi lang pala
iyon sa pangmamanipula ni Psyche. Dahil din iyon sa pagma-manifest ng kondisyon
niya.

However, I couldn't help but be afraid for Leon. Kung si Psyche ay nagawang saktan
ni Percy . . . how much more damage could he do to Leon? Kahit pa nasa loob ng
selda ang lalaki ay hindi ako makakampante. I really needed to act now.

And fate, that funny fate, was clearly playing with me again, for I met the demon
right before he was sent into the fires of hell.

"Amari, what are you doing here?"

I felt like the world had stopped spinning when I heard Percy's voice. Akala ko
noong una ay guni-guni ko lang iyon kung hindi ko pa narinig ang pagsinghap din ni
Mill. Kabababa niya lang ng sasakyan habang papalabas kami sa police station. He
still looked the same the last time I saw him — dirty and unhygienic.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit awtomatikong naglaro sa isip ko lahat ng duming ginawa
niya. Mula sa pangmamanipula sa akin hanggang sa paggamit ng mga pasyente para
gawin ang gamot na para sa kanya. I understand it all now.

He doesn't know a thing, Amari. Act again . . . and this time, give it your all.

I smiled despite the thumping of my heart. "Tungkol po sa kaso ni Psyche. I was

interviewed."

"Nahuli na ang gumawa no'n sa kanya. Your ex-boyfriend, right?"

Umakto akong nagulat sa narinig. "Si Leon po?"

"You don't know?" he asked. "Those two are in a relationship, and Psyche attempted
to offer him the firm's private information. Ginamit ka no'ng gagong 'yon noon, at
ginamit niya rin si Psyche ngayon. Some people just don't change, do they?"

Nagngingitngit ako sa galit sa kanya. He might have schizophrenia, but his crimes
weren't valid. Hindi ako para magpakita ng awa sa taong walang naitanim na
kabutihan sa akin. Hindi ako para maawa sa taong walang habas na gumamit ng iba
para sa sariling kapakinabangan niya.

Dahil siya ang nagpatunay sa akin na hindi lahat ng tao ay likas na mabuti. For me,
he was the other way around. He was hiding behind his good name but was actually
pure evil.

"Just like you. You're still irrational and selfish. Tingnan mo, sa akin din naman
ang bagsak mo. You got over your pride and came to me. Eh, kung umpisa palang ay
pinakinggan mo na 'ko, hindi ka na para magpakatanga sa lalaking 'yon," aniya pa.

Naramdaman ko ang paggalaw ni Mill sa likod ko pero sinenyasan ko lang siya. I even
saw Percy laugh at her reaction.

Sarkastiko akong napatawa. Masyado ko siyang inilagay sa pedestal. He was smart, a

genius. He was a respectable chemist and was the owner of a research firm. Akala
ko, wala na siyang pagkakamali. Akala ko, imposible nang mapabagsak siya.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" biglang tanong ko.

Umiling siya. "No, but you could've been smart if you weren't so emotional."

"Intellectual quotient and emotional quotient should be balanced, sir." I smiled.

Humalakhak siya. "You don't have the right to preach to me about the things I
already know, Amari. I may believe in your intelligence, but you're still a big
disappointment to me."

Oh . . . should I be sad now? Funny how it didn't irk me a bit.

Tinitigan ko ang mukha niya at umapaw ang paninibugho sa dibdib ko. I just couldn't
believe I used to dream about being recognized by him. I couldn't believe I loved
him.

He shrugged. "Anyway, I don't want to waste any more time here. I've got to go
inside. See you in the firm."

Lumampas siya sa gilid ko ngunit nagsalita ulit ako.

"Sigurado ka bang si Leon ang gumawa no'n kay Psyche?"

Nakita kong natigilan siya.

"Is it the truth or just your . . . delusion?"

Marahas ang paglingon niya sa akin. I saw him breathe heavily like I had hit a
nerve.

Hinarap ko ang galit sa mata niya, walang takot o pangamba. I thought so highly of
him . . . and he thought so lowly of me. Ni hindi niya naisip na ang may
pinakamatinding motibo para pabagsakin siya ay ako.

Hindi ko tuloy alam kung matatawa ako o maiinis. Until the end, he believed I was
inferior to him . . . that I was no match for him.

I chuckled. "I'm sure, I'll see you around, sir."

Wala na akong inaksayang oras matapos iyon. I felt a sense of pride rushing within
me as I knew that everything would end today.

"Let's release all the evidence now, Mill. I'll do an exclusive interview."

Psyche was in a coma, and now, Leon's name was being tarnished.

Masyado nang maraming nadadamay. The evidence gathered was already on hand. There
wasn't any time for me to waste.

She stared deeply at me.

"Are you sure?"

Tumango ako. "I can't waste any more time. Hangga't nananahimik 'yong kabila,
kailangan ko nang kumilos."

I remembered everything I saw. I knew I needed to keep my anger . . . my wrath. I

wasn't facing a human; I was facing a demon.

Alam kong ang go-signal ko lang ang hinihintay nila para mailabas sa publiko ang
kaso. Ayaw ni Mill na magsalita ako agad dahil natatakot siyang maging inconsistent
ang mga sasabihin ko. She told me that I was prone to acting on impulse, and given
the gravity of the case, I should keep my feelings in check.

"Hindi puwedeng si Mill ang mag-report nito, Ms. Mendoza. You're affiliated with
her, and she might get emotional or biased while reporting," saad sa akin ng chief
ni Mill.

"I'm not a direct victim. I'm just an eyewitness. Ano'ng bearing no'n?" tanong ko.

"It's okay, Mari."

Umiling ako sa kaibigan. "It's not, Mil. Sa ilang araw na paghahawak mo ng mga
ebidensya, alam kong alam mo na rin ang grounds ng kasong 'to. It's easy to talk
about the details, but I want a reporter who can get at the heart of the case."

Hindi naging mahirap ang proseso ng pagkumbinsi ko sa chief. Even though he was
hesitant, he still gave in to my demands. Of course, it was a big scoop. A
respectable research firm using patients with mental disorders as guinea pigs. It
would be fucking huge.
I told them everything from the bottom of my heart. I held back my emotions as I
watched and listened to the videos and recordings again, thinking about Psyche, who
was supposed to be with me, and Leon, who took the blame for me. Hinayaan niyang
siya ang mapagbintangan para magawa ko ang plano ko. He didn't even tell me his
plans . . . he just let me rest and do what I wanted.

"Ang Mendoza Research Institute na itinatag nina Percy Ezekiel Mendoza at Valeen
Claire Alvarado, ay inakusahan ng pagsasamantala sa mga taong may mental disorder
sa mga clinical experiment nang walang pahintulot ng mga naaangkop na partido.
Bilang ebidensya ng mga naitalang dokumento na nagdedetalye ng kanilang mga
internal operation, hinihinalang halos dalawang dekada na nilang ginagawa ang
krimeng ito. Tinatayang mahigit isang libong tao ang namatay dulot sa chemical
exposures at drug trials, at marami pa ang pinaniniwalaang nasa loob ng mga
pasilidad ng kompanya."

Needless to say, the news spread widely throughout the country. Mill reported it
the way I wanted it to be done. Several families had come forward with reports of
missing loved ones, and a sizable crowd had gathered outside the firm to demand
explanations.

Ang dapat na pagdiriwang ng ikatatlumpu't limang anibersaryo ay nauwi sa

pagkakaaresto nina Percy, Valeen, at lahat ng taong nanahimik ukol sa krimen. Hindi
naging sapat ang yaman nila para pagtakpan ang ingay na nilikha ng balita lalo at
galit na galit ang publiko. Some people wanted them to be killed. Some people were
hurling shit around the firm. Ligtas ding nakauwi ang mga nagsisipayatang mga
pasyente, at kasama ang masa, ay isa ako sa mga lumuha para sa paghihirap na
naranasan nila sa loob.

Pero hindi pa ako tapos. Hindi ko hahayaang ganoon kadali ang sasapitin nila.
Psyche was still in a coma, and despite the fact that Leon had been freed and
proven innocent due to their exchange of messages . . . my rage remained in hell.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the entire truth, and nothing but the truth in
your testimony before this court?" asked the bailiff.

"I do," I replied as I raised my right hand.

"Please state your name to the court."

My name . . . my name that I'm disgusted about. Isang beses akong sumulyap sa mga
magulang ko na parehong nakatingin sa akin.

"Amari Sloane Mendoza," I said, still looking at them.

The prosecutor turned to the judge. "Your Honor, we are giving the testimony of
this witness to authenticate the substantial allegations filed against the accused.
She will testify that she has witnessed the internal operations of MRI. She will
also name the accused, verify pertinent materials, and testify on other related
things. May I proceed?"

"Proceed," said the judge.

"Amari Sloane Mendoza, are you related to Percy Ezekiel Mendoza?"

I breathed deeply. Nagbayad kayo sa kasalanan n'yo sa iba . . . at hindi ako

papayag na hindi kayo magbabayad sa kasalanan n'yo sa akin.

"Yes."
Nakarinig ako ng mga pagsinghap.

"What's your relationship with him?"

"He's my father," sagot ko. "I'm Percy Ezekiel and Valeen Claire's daughter."

The growing levels of the gasps prompted the judge to hush the courtroom. Nakita ko
pa ang pagtitig sa akin ng judge at ang paglipat ng tingin nito sa mga magulang ko.

I just smiled to myself. No one could deny it now that we were in the same room.

"Do you have a document to support your claim?"

I nodded. "Yes, I have submitted to this court my birth certificate. However, I was
written there as the daughter of Percy's wife. And you can ask her now if it's
true."

"Objection, Your Honor. That was not taken up during the direct examination!" the
defense attorney said.

"Sustained."

Napangiti lang ako. I expected it. It wasn't related to the case, so of course, it
was dismissed. Wala naman akong pakialam. I just wanted, for once, to make them
feel terrible about themselves. Masyado nila akong minaliit, minata, at hinusgahan.
It was only right to talk shit about them in their faces.

"Did you work for the Mendoza Research Institute?"

Tumango ako. "Yes. First as a cleaner, and later as a researcher."

"If you were their daughter, why did you have to start working as a cleaner?"

"It's Percy's command. I can't do anything about it." I chuckled. "Objectively

speaking, do I look like someone they'll acknowledge? They abandoned me in a
shelter, and looking at them now, I thanked God for that."

It was dismissed again, but to hell with it.

Tahimik lang sila. Syempre, the more they talk, the more mistakes they are likely
to commit. Imposibleng hindi 'yon naituro ng abogado nila.

"You're a psychologist, a counselor, and a psychometrician. Why did you work for
the firm as a cleaner?"

I balled my fist, remembering the twins.

"Dahil may nagsabi sa 'kin na malaking drug dealer si Percy. That his sons were
going around the city, influencing vulnerable teens to take illegal drugs. I just
want to check if it's true . . . and I discovered something bigger than I
expected."

"Who is it?"

Umiling ako. "To protect his name, I prefer not to disclose."

Tumango naman ito. "What did you discover then?"

"They have coded the patients as drops, and they've been using these drops for drug
development. I was the one who gave out all the documents, videos, and information
about the case, and it was the best thing I've ever done in my life." I gritted my
teeth. "As a mental health professional, it is my duty to assist these drops in
transitioning to a normal life. However, Percy, Valeen, and the rest of their team
viewed these drops as expendable in the name of the greater good."

"I'm showing you a document that was originally labeled as Exhibit A. Please review
this document and inform this honorable court if it is the one you are referring
to."

I nodded. "Yes, it is."

The videos and recordings, no matter how compelling they were, could not be
presented as evidence because they were obtained illegally. Pero dahil sa search
operation sa buong firm, maraming nakolektang mas matitibay na ebidensya laban sa
kanila. Even the drugs were discovered.

"We're using the annotations made on these documents at the pre-trial session as
our Exhibit A for the prosecution, Your Honor."

Nagpatuloy ang trial. I gave honest answers to all of the questions that were asked
of me. It felt so good to see how quiet and defenseless they were as if their
thorns had been cut off. I was subjected to cross-examination, but I knew that the
most they could do were ask for a reduced sentence, which I seriously doubted they
would get.

"You said you're the one who leaked the confidential documents. Why did you not
submit them first to the police?"

"My ex-boyfriend has been sending petitions to the police about the firm's
involvement in illegal drugs for years, but no one has paid attention." Pinigilan
ko ang mapatawa. "Percy and Valeen . . . you've had enough fun. Iabandona n'yo 'ko,
wala akong pakialam. Paulit-ulit n'yo 'kong minaliit, wala akong naging reklamo.
Pandirihan n'yo 'ko, wala kayong maririnig sa 'kin."

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Pero idinamay n'yo 'yong alam n'yong importante sa 'kin. Idinamay n'yo 'yong alam
n'yong iniingatan ko. Idinamay n'yo 'yong alam n'yong mahal ko . . ." Umiling ako.
"I'm sorry, my lovely parents, but I can't tolerate that."

"Prosecutor, do you have any re-direct questions?"

"No, Your Honor."

Tumingin sa akin ang judge. "You may step down."

I smiled widely, eyes set on Percy and Valeen.

"Thank you for bringing me into the world. I'm sure that of all the mistakes you've
made, I'm the one you regret the most."

Chapter 46 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 46
After everything that happened, I was at a loss for action.

Dr. Talavera came forward as a witness, too. He said he wanted to tell the truth
because the guilt was eating him up. He also admitted to writing a book about it,
that book of confessions about confidential scientific methods that I'd been
reading in the library.

Miski ang pamilya ng mga pasyenteng nadamay ay nagsampa ng kaso laban sa firm.
Percy and Valeen tried to use an insanity plea, but that wouldn't work because the
public wanted them to be held accountable and because they knew exactly what they
did. Kahit pa may medical record na ipinakita si Percy, nag-testify ang mga
scientists na wala namang episode si Percy nang isagawa ang krimen.

Alam kong matatagalan ang proseso ng paghuhukom sa kanila pero wala na akong
pakialam. I was happy enough that they were in jail and that, with all the evidence
gathered, they would stay there until they were convicted along with all their
accomplices.

I was so dumb for thinking so highly of them. Akala ko ay matalino sila at mababasa
nila ang mga galaw ko. Valeen could see right through me, but she was so full of
herself, and from what I saw while working for them, she didn't really care about
the firm. Lagi siyang wala, at kung nandoon man, tagapakinig lang siya ng proposal
ideas. She seemed to be there purely for show. Hindi na rin nakapagtatakang galit
sa kanya si Percy lalo at hindi naman talaga siya tumutulong kapag may problema
roon.

All the things fell into place, yet I still didn't want to celebrate my life
because there was someone who should have been celebrating with me but . . .
couldn't.

"Psyche, gising na . . ." bulong ko habang hawak-hawak ang kamay niya. "Everything
is okay now. Natapos na natin. You don't have to live in fear anymore."

I looked at her calm, sleeping face. The marks from being punched and beaten were
less visible, but the bruises on her jaw and cheeks were still there. She
reportedly suffered four stab wounds, the one to the lungs being the most serious.

"I stood in court . . . you should too. You should see their funny faces." I tried
to chuckle. "Marami na tayong kakampi. Hindi na lang tayong dalawa ang lumalaban."

Her odds of waking up were slim. She was unresponsive and making no progress.
Maraming tubo ang nakakabit sa katawan niya at hindi ko kayang panooring ganito
siya. Her body had been through a lot already. She didn't deserve this.

Iniisip ko na lang . . . baka nagpapahinga siya. Baka ito 'yong paraan ng mundo
para makatulog siya nang walang takot at pangamba. In this room, she was calm and
at peace. She could sleep as much as she wanted without worrying about being beaten
up or being seen as less important than others. Hindi niya kailangang magpanggap.
Hindi niya kailangang magsungit para ipakita sa lahat na wala siyang kinatatakutan.

She said we weren't sisters . . . but in my heart, we were.

"I'm very, very, very proud of you, Psyche. Your younger self must be too."

Kinausap ko ang tatay niya. He was so hands-on, and he regretted being so blind to
Psyche's suffering. Wala ako sa lugar para ikwento sa kanya ang pinagdaanan ni
Psyche sa kamay ni Valeen, pero alam kong sapat na ang mga sugat at peklat ng babae
para ipakita sa kanyang naabuso ang anak niya.
"Bakit hindi niya sinabi sa 'kin?"

Hindi ko masagot ang tanong niyang iyon. Maybe Psyche did . . . maybe she didn't.
Nanirahan sa takot si Psyche. Having the courage to tell someone about her abuse
experiences must be a horrifying thought for her. She might have had signs of being
beaten up, but people were too busy with their own lives to dig deeper.

Basta ang alam ko . . . nagpapahinga si Psyche. Sa takot. Sa pag-iyak. Sa problema.

And without lying, I knew I needed it for myself, too.

That being said, I enrolled at a university for my doctorate. I also started

working online for the Psychological Alliance of Italy – Ferrara. Work from home
iyon at sa akin unang nag-offer si Ma'am Anne dahil nalaman niya ang nangyari sa
akin dito. The PAI wanted to launch a company here in the Philippines, and I would
have to look into it while also working with international clients who preferred
online counseling.

Slowly, after months of fighting for others, I felt like the holes in my heart were
starting to close up. Para akong nagpaalam sa isang mahaba at masakit na kabanata
sa buhay ko. Kumuha rin ako ng sarili kong pad dalawang oras ang layo mula sa
dating apartment dahil maayos naman na ang mga kaibigan ko. I stepped away from
everyone for a moment. I detached myself. Gusto kong huminga muna at mabawi ang
sarili ko nang mag-isa.

"How short, ma'am?"

I pointed at my neck. "Bob cut."

Ngumiti ang babae. "Ang ganda ng kulot mo, ma'am. Hindi masyadong textured pero
bagay na bagay sa inyo. Sigurado po ba kayong gusto n'yong i-rebond natin 'to?"

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. "Yeah."

She started to do my hair, and I just watched as each strand fell to the floor,
taking at least a little bit of my mother with it. I also started using skin
whitening products, and I didn't know if I should be thankful for the slight
blurring of my vision because I was able to get glasses . . . covering the eyes my
father had given me.

I wanted to be done with them. I wanted to see myself in the mirror, not their
reflection.

I took my time regaining myself. Wala na akong pakialam sa magiging resulta ng

paglayo ko sa lahat. I had not completely cut off communication with my friends,
and I knew they would understand my need for a break. I went to a lot of bookstores
and bought a lot of books. I danced alone to music in my pad, smelled my morning
coffee, and breathed the mist of my healing.

Hindi ko inaasahan na magagawa ko ang lahat ng 'to. I'd done so well . . . so

fucking well that I couldn't help but be proud of myself.

Nakabili na ako ng sarili kong pad, samantalang dati, kailangan pang manginig ng
kamay ko sa ngalay mula sa pagmamake-up sa mga kliyente ko para lang makapagbayad
ng renta. Nabibili ko na ang mga gusto kong libro, samantalang dati, ni wala akong
pambili ng chuckie. Nakakatulog na ako ngayon nang hindi nag-iisip kung ano ang
kakainin ko bukas o kung magkano ang ibabaon ko.
I had made so much progress. I walked so far away from my miserable life.

Hindi muna ako nakibalita kay Leon. Sa dami ng nangyari sa buhay ko, sa kanya lang
ako hindi nagpaalam na lalayo ako saglit. Hindi ko alam. Mas lamang sa akin ang
hiya. Pakiramdam ko, hindi ko siya kayang harapin nang hindi umiiyak . . . nang
hindi nagsusumbong. Baka kung kinausap ko siya bago ako lumayo, baka hindi na ako
tumuloy. Baka isinama ko pa siya sa pagpapahinga ko.

The road ahead of us was unknown to me. I wasn't sure what our future held.
Puwedeng kami sa dulo . . . puwedeng hindi.

Regardless . . . I knew that he would always be my greatest love, and if I had the
chance to make three wishes, all three would be for a life spent with him.

Hindi na ako nakipagkita sa kanya nang makalaya siya. I was worried at first that
something bad would happen to him at the prison, but thankfully, he was safe.
Dalawang araw lang din naman kasi siyang nagtagal doon lalo at naisapubliko agad
ang krimen ni Percy. Nahihiya ako sa kanya. Even while resting, he cared about me.
Kailangan kong lumayo sa kanya. From there, he would realize that the world wasn't
all about me.

I did it for six months and a half after standing in the witness stand. Psyche was
showing signs now, as per Mill. Mabagal ang paggaling niya at habang patagal nang
patagal ay mas bumababa ang tyansa na magigising siya, pero wala sa isip namin ang
pagsuko.

I celebrated the holidays alone. Monthly rin ang pagpapa-trim ko ng buhok, at kapag
umaalis ng bahay ay natatagalan ako sa pag-aayos noon. I started wearing glasses,
which made me look more mature and professional. Somehow, I felt like a new person,
one with a stronger backbone and a bolder heart.

Nathaniel Zamora: Hi, ate! Thank you sa pag-accept. Kumusta ka?

I received that chat one morning while I was preparing for my class. Hindi muna ako
nag-reply dahil ayoko namang ma-late. I knew I needed time to reply to him because
I didn't want to give him divided attention. Nang makauwi naman galing school ay
nag-reply rin ako.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Hi, Nathaniel. I'm good. Currently taking my doctorate. How
'bout you?

Nathaniel Zamora: Tagal mag-reply, ate! Hahaha. Okay lang din ako rito. Pang-umaga
ako kaya si Nash muna ang tumatao sa tindahan, tapos pinapalitan ko na lang siya
kapag hapon para makapagpahinga siya. Ngayong tapos na ang klase, tandem kami. Mas
dumami na ang tinitinda namin. Mas malaki na rin ang puwesto.

Napangiti ako. I could hear his voice through his chat.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Mabuti naman. Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?

Nathaniel Zamora: Top 1 ako sa klase, ate. Kinausap ako ng instructor namin. I-
maintain ko raw ang performance ko hanggang next school year kasi may chance na
maging valedictorian ako ng batch namin.

Warmth and pride filled my heart. Pakiramdam ko ay ako ang nagpapaaral sa kanya.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'm happy for you, Nathaniel. Nag-e-enjoy ka ba? Saang
subjects ka pa nahihirapan?
Nathaniel Zamora: Sobra, ate. Ang babait ng mga kaklase ko, tapos nakasama rin ako
sa fieldtrip namin gamit ang sarili kong pera. In-e-encourage ko nga si Nash na
mag-aral din pero saka na raw siya kapag nakatapos na ako. Hindi raw kami puwedeng
magsabay kasi baka mahirapan si kuya.

Bahagya akong napanguso sa nabasa. Sabi na at mame-mention niya si Leon.

Nathaniel Zamora: Ikaw, ate? Kailan ka ulit bibisita? Tagal mong MIA. Hahahaha.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: MIA?

Nathaniel Zamora: Missing in action po.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Ah, right. Hahaha. I don't know. I'm working and studying,
eh. Although, marami naman akong course na online ko lang inaaral at ganoon din
naman ang trabaho ko. I'm just resting. Why?

I saw that he was typing, so I didn't leave our chat box.

Nathaniel Zamora: May kaunting celebration kasi ako next month. Gold medalist ako
ngayong school year, eh. Kaya mong pumunta?

Napakurap ako sa nabasa. I was happy for his achievement . . . but being invited to
his celebration? Nakakahiya.

Nathaniel Zamora: Just trying my luck, ate. Hahaha. Basta kung pupunta ka,
ikalawang Sabado next month, ha? 5 pm. Dinner lang. Out na 'ko. Ingat ka lagi!

It made me a little nervous. I wanted to go and give him my personal greetings, but
I was flustered knowing that Leon would be there, too. Hindi niya naman ako kino-
contact kaya alam kong naiintindihan niya ang ginagawa ko. We haven't really talked
for months . . . and I wasn't sure how to approach him again after everything.
Masyado na siyang maraming naisakrispisyo sa akin. Parang . . . nakakahiya.

Naging laman iyon ng isipan ko hanggang sa mga sumunod na araw. Marami akong
imbitasyon na natanggihan, pero itong kay Nathaniel . . . hindi ko alam kung bakit
may pumipigil sa akin na humindi. Saka wala naman sigurong mali, hindi ba? Hapunan
lang naman. It wasn't like I would stay there for hours. Uuwi rin naman ako. Okay
lang naman siguro kay Leon 'yon.

Nagsisisi tuloy akong hindi ko nakumusta ang lalaki sa kapatid. In fact, there were
times when I walked to bookstores hoping, perhaps naively, that I would run into
him again, like I did in Benguet. Tuwing may nakikita akong nakasalamin, naiisip ko
agad siya. Kahit sa pakete ng yosi, siya ang naaalala ko. He was the anchor of my
memories. And up until now, I still thought that no distance could ever separate my
love from him.

"Bahala na . . ." I whispered to myself as I typed the message I'd been dying to
send.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'll be there, Nathaniel.

Kabadong-kabado ako nang dumating ang araw ng selebrasyon ni Nathaniel.

I did my hair and makeup longer and with more care than usual. Along with these, I
also dressed as nicely as I could, donning a beige crocheted halter top tucked into
dark brown wide-leg trousers. Nagdala rin ako ng blazer na kakulay ng trouser ko
kung sakali mang lamigin ako sa byahe. My outfit was then finished off with an
ivory Rapsly Cameron designer wedge, a Cali Osio-Martinez pearl jewelry collection,
and a Clifford Barrera shoulder bag.

Kahit hanggang leeg na lang ang buhok ko ay mas hirap akong ayusin ito. It wasn't
naturally straight, so I had to use argan oil and sometimes a straightening iron to
tame the freshly-grown hairs. Mabuti at maayos ang pagkaka-rebond sa akin dahil
papasok ang dulo ng buhok ko at hindi ko kailanman naranasang tumikwas 'to.

Habang naglalakad papasok sa kanto ng bahay ng mga Zamora ay dinadaga ang dibdib
ko. There was a part of me that wanted to retreat, but I had already spent too much
time buying a present and traveling to be here. Binisita ko rin muna si Psyche
kanina bago ako pumunta rito. Akala ko ay maiibsan noon ang kaba ko.

"Queen?"

Napaigtad ako nang marinig ang boses ni Shaira sa likuran ko. I looked behind me
and saw that her eyes were wide in shock. Nakasakay siya sa isang kotse at kita ko
sa driver's seat si Thaddeus.

"Oh my god, queen!" tili niya pa.

Agad niyang tinanggal ang seatbelt at binuksan ang pinto sa gilid niya. I gave
Thaddeus a nod as she did that. Nang makababa ang kaibigan ay napatawa na lang ako
sa higpit ng yakap niya sa akin.

"Alam kong maganda ka na no'ng college, pero grabe naman yata ang paghahasik mo
ngayon?!" mangiyak-ngiyak na saad niya habang mahigpit akong ikinukulong sa bisig
niya. "Na-miss kita, punyeta! Ang tagal mong hindi nagpakita!"

I could only chuckle. Sunod-sunod ang pagsasalita niya na hindi ako makasingit. She
then grabbed me by the shoulders and examined me with her mouth slightly ajar.
Halata rin sa mukha niya ang gulat at saya.

"You're still weird, Shai," I commented.

Her face soured, parang maiiyak. Narinig ko ang pagtawa ni Thaddeus sa loob kaya
lumawak ang ngiti ko. Hindi na rin ako nagulat nang yakapin ulit ako ng babae. This
time, she was really crying. Humihikbi pa.

"Na-miss talaga kita!" iyak niya. "Proud na proud kaming lahat sa 'yo rito! Kung
alam mo lang!"

Nag-init ang puso ko. I hugged her and tapped her back. Nasa gilid lang kami ng
daan dahil ayaw naman naming makaabala sa ibang residente. May ilang napapatingin
sa amin dahil sa pag-iyak ni Shaira pero wala naman akong pakialam. I missed being
hugged by a friend.

Pinasakay na nila ako sa sasakyan. Iisa rin naman kasi ang pupuntahan namin. Shaira
was babbling on and on, telling me how fortunate I was that she had left their son
with his lola and that she could go out for drinks with me tonight. Hindi ko naman
alam kung dapat ko bang tanggihan 'yon. Ngayon ko na lang din kasi siya nakita.

"Bakit . . ." nanghina ang boses ko nang lampasan namin ang bahay ng mga Zamora.

"Ah, sa tree house tayo ni Leon! Hindi mo ba alam?"

My heart pounded against my chest at the mention of his name. Pakiramdam ko ay

nataranta ang buong sistema ko kahit na alam ko namang makikita ko talaga siya
ngayong gabi.
Tumikhim ako. "Hindi nabanggit ni Nathaniel."

Thaddeus laughed, making my heart race even more. Sumilip siya sa akin sa rearview
mirror, bahagyang nakangisi pa rin.

"What?" pagsusungit ko.

God, I could feel my cheeks heating up!

"Hindi yata alam ni Leon na pupunta ka." Rinig ko ang panunukso sa tono ng
pananalita nito.

I pursed my lips, tightening my hold on my bag and the gift I bought. "Ano naman?
Si . . . Nathaniel naman ang ipinunta ko. I want to congratulate him."

"Close pala kayo?" tanong ni Shaira.

I nodded. "Tinulungan ko siyang mag-enroll . . ."

"Saka pumupunta siya dati sa bahay. Tinulungan niyang magluto 'yong kambal,"
pagpapatuloy ni Thaddeus.

Napanguso ako nang magtawanan sila. I looked out the window, trying to calm my
heart. Para nila akong tinutukso . . . at sa pag-iinit ng mukha ko, alam kong
nahahalata nila sa akin na apektado pa rin ako.

It wasn't so long until we reached the tree house. Buhay na buhay ang mga pananim
ni Tita Leah at hitik din sa bunga ang mga puno sa paligid. A lit lamppost gleamed
through the plantation, showcasing the beauty of some parts of the property. Sa
dulo ay ang tree house ni Leon at sa tapat nito ay ang kotse niya. Hindi pa naman
sobrang dilim dahil hindi pa tuluyang lumulubog ang araw. It was almost 6 o'clock,
and the sky was still drenched in orange, violet, and pink hues as the night and
day fought for control.

Kahit nasa sasakyan pa kami ay rinig ko na ang ingay ng party. There was some loud,
soothing music playing, and you could hear people laughing in the distance.

Lalong dinaga ang dibdib ko. Alam kong hindi iyon dahil sa posibleng dami ng tao
kung hindi dahil sa katotohanang makikita ko si Leon. I wonder how he would react
if he saw me. Especially now that I look and dress a little differently. Baka tama
pa ang sinabi ni Thaddeus na hindi niya alam na pupunta ako. Hindi naman kasi niya
ako personal na inimbita.

Kung alam ko nga lang na sa tree house niya pala gaganapin ang celebration . . .
sana nakapagpaalam ako kung puwede akong dumalo.

I put the blazer on my shoulder without actually wearing it when I got out of the
car. The cold breeze of the sunset blew into my nape.

"Sa likod yata gaganapin," saad ni Shaira. "Nag-extend si Leon, 'di ba? Binili niya
rin 'yong katabing property?"

Tumango lang si Thaddeus bago inakbayan ang babae. Napanguso lang ako sa nakita.
They started walking, and I just followed them as quietly as I could. Parang may
karerang nangyayari sa dibdib ko at kinakailangan ko pang huminga nang malalim para
kalmahin ito.

Nilagpasan namin ang tree house at dumiretso nga sa lupang sinasabi ni Shaira. I
was taken aback by the arrangement of the entire event. May mga mesa at upuan na
nakabalot sa pulang tela habang nasa gilid naman ang mga unipormadong caterer. The
celebration was simply a weekend getaway in the backyard, and its simplicity blew
me off. May videoke sa gilid at rinig ang tawanan ng mga bisita na sa palagay ko ay
kaklase ni Nathaniel.

I bumped up the bridge of my glasses when I noticed that some of the guests were
already looking at me. Kita ko ang pagsisikuhan ng ilan at ang bahagyang pagtigil
ng mga babae para tingnan ako . . . o kami nina Shaira at Thaddeus. I just lifted
my chin, trying to look confident.

"Ate Amari!"

Sa pagsigaw ng kambal ay lalo kong nakuha ang atensyon ng mga bisita. Pakiramdam ko
tuloy ay overdressed ako. Paano ay simleng T-shirt at pantalon lang ang suot ng
karamihan. Ang ilang babae ay nakabestida . . . pero ako lang yata ang mukhang a-
attend ng thesis defense.

I smiled at the twins when they neared me. Iniabot ko sa kanila ang regalong dala
ko. Hindi lang kasi si Nathaniel ang binilihan ko ng sapatos. I wanted Nash to have
new kicks, too. I figured they would be about one size smaller than Leon.

They led us to a vacant table and even told us to just sit down because they would
serve us meals. Hindi naman ako makatanggi lalo at marami pa rin ang nakatingin sa
akin.

I made the headlines a few months back. Malaking gulat siguro sa kanila na nandito
ako.

I consciously removed the blazer and put it on my lap. Dahil naka-halter top lang
ay agad na dumampi sa balat ko ang lamig ng hangin. There were trees and plants all
over the place. Of course, it would be a little cold.

"Ang ganda niya . . ." rinig kong bulungan ng ilang bisita.

I bit my lower lip, not assuming it was me. Naiilang ako sa atensyon dahil . . .
come on! Hindi naman ako ang bida sa okasyon na 'to! Saka, bakit ba sila
nakatingin?! Alam ba nilang kinakabahan ako ngayon?!

"Pumapatol kaya 'yan sa mas bata?"

Napalingon ako sa nagsabi noon, at agad na nagtawanan ang grupo ng mga binatilyo.
Inasar nila ang lalaki kaya nahihiyang nag-iwas na lang ako ng tingin.

"Ganda problems?" nangingiting sabi ni Shaira. "Blooming ka kasi, queen. Actually,

sa sobrang ganda mo ngayon, pumapangalawa ka na sa 'kin."

Sabay kaming napatawa ni Thaddeus. I could see amusement and love in his eyes as he
looked at Shaira. It was the kind of look I knew would last forever. Halata ring
magkahawak ang kamay nila sa ilalim ng mesa, at alam 'yon dahil ganoong-ganoon kami
noon ni . . . Leon.

Sumandal ako sa upuan at lumingon sa paligid. Siya ang unang hinanap ng mata ko sa
dagat ng mga tao . . . pero mukhang wala siya rito sa labas. I was thinking he was
still at the tree house. Baka wala siyang balak makihalubilo sa mga bisita dahil
halos lahat naman ng nandito ay mga kaibigan ni Nathaniel. Wala si Zoey dahil nasa
probinsya siya at nagtatrabaho. Ganoon din si Meg na nasa ibang bansa na.

Leon had a lot of friends when we were in college. Siya ang tipo ng taong
kakaibiganin mo kahit na madalas ay tahimik lang siya at nakikinig sa grupo. He
used to have circles of friends from different departments and programs, but as we
got older . . . si Thaddeus na lang ang nakikita kong kasama niya.

I readjusted the bridge of my glasses when I sensed someone giving me a long,

intense look. Lumingon ako sa pakiramdam ko ay pinagmumulan noon . . . sa
taas . . . sa balcony ng tree house, at doon ay napagtanto ko kung bakit ako ilang
na ilang.

Leaning against the railings with a wine glass in his hand, Leon stood there, dark
eyes set on me. He was clad in a pair of faded blue trousers and a black collared
shirt that complemented his toned arms, chiseled chest, and broad shoulders.

Umawang ang labi ko nang ayusin niya ang salamin, ang mata ay nakatutok pa rin sa
akin. It was as if he'd been watching me for a while.

A pang of yearning and love, along with a bittersweet mix of happiness and pain,
arose in me. Dahan-dahan kong ibinaba ang tingin sa mesa, hindi kayang tagalan ang
titig niya. My heart was bursting with a lot of emotions, and I didn't think I
could handle them well.

Patuloy ang kwentuhan ng mga tao sa paligid ko. The twins had already served us,
but I was too stunned to react.

"Akala ko hindi ka na bababa."

Pakiramdam ko ay mawawalan ng hangin ang baga ko nang sabihin iyon ni Thaddeus. His
eyes were behind me, and I wasn't dumb enough to know that Leon was already there.

Hinigit niya ang upuan sa tabi ko dahil iyon na lang naman ang bakante sa mesa. I
tried not to seem awkward as he sat down next to me, his familiar manly scent
reaching my nose in an instant.

"Akala ko rin."

I must've missed him so much that even hearing his baritone made me nervous.
Sinimulan ko ang pagkain kahit na nanginginig ang kalamnan ko. I felt like I was
seeing Leon for the first time, but my strong attraction to him hadn't changed at
all.

"Kumusta kayo ng nililigawan mo?"

Nagpantig ang tainga ko sa tanong ni Shaira. I immediately looked at her, brows

furrowed.

Nanliligaw na si . . . Leon? Kanino?

I mean . . . of course. It was normal. Nagulat lang ako. Hindi naman ako nakibalita
sa kanya kaya hindi ko inasahang maririnig ko 'yon. Hindi naman puwedeng umasa
akong hihintayin niya ako. Isa pa, ako rin naman ang nagsabing magmahal siya ulit.
Tama lang naman 'yon. Hindi ko lang talaga siguro inaasahan na ganoon . . .
kabilis.

"Wala naman akong nililigawan, Shaira."

I breathed deeply, feeling a sense of relief in my system. Kung manliligaw man

siya, ayoko na sanang makarating 'yon sa akin.

"Ay, wala ba?" tawa ng babae. "Pero, soon, 'no?"

Thaddeus chuckled, too. "Stop playing cupid, babe."

Kinagat ko lang ang pang-ibabang labi. Pansin ko pa rin ang tingin sa amin ng mga
bisita, at kung kanina ay nasa akin lang ang atensyon nila . . . ngayon ay nahahati
iyon sa amin ng katabi ko.

I blinked a couple of times to pacify the fast beating of my heart. Alam kong
masaya ako sa buhay ko ngayon nang mag-isa . . . but at this moment, with Leon
seated beside me, I felt alive.

It was like how I had stumbled onto a bookstore filled to the brim with books I had
been looking for . . . like how I was waking up in the early morning and the first
thing I could see was the sun streaming softly through my sheer curtain . . . like
how I imagined I was cradled in the midst of my breakdowns . . . like how I was
drinking my coffee and its aroma soothed my wounds.

Katabi ko lang si Leon . . . pero ramdam ko lahat 'yon. The shattered pieces of my
heart finally felt like they belonged together.

Alam kong kaya ko nang mag-isa. Alam kong hindi sinuman ang makakapaghilom ng sugat
sa puso ko.

But it was just funny to feel everything in the form of a person. Na kahit wala ako
sa pad ko, pakiramdam ko . . . kumpleto ako.

Tapos na, eh. I had everything I wanted in life — a place I could call home, a
private room with its own little library where I could curl up with a book, a
dressing table with a mirror where I could do my makeup, an impartial punishment
for my parents' misdeeds, and a life where I didn't have to worry about money
because I was earning euros every month while I was studying for my highest degree.

Masaya na rin ang mga kaibigan ko. I couldn't ask for anything more.

"May boyfriend ka ngayon, Mari?" biglang tanong ni Shaira.

I put down my spoon and fork before shaking my head.

"Ayos, ah? Imposibleng walang nanliligaw sa 'yo." Tumawa pa siya.

I pursed my lips. "Wala naman akong in-e-entertain . . ."

"Si Paolo? Nagchachat pa sa 'yo?"

I fought the urge to glare at her. Talagang ngayon siya nangungusisa!

"Nangumusta lang. Wala namang . . . something." I shrugged.

"Eh, 'yong ex mo?! Sabi mo, in-add ka!"

I exhaled harshly. Read the room, Shaira Ylane!

"Oo . . ." I replied under my breath. Totoong in-add ako ni Jin matapos ang trial
noon. He asked me for a coffee date, but I declined because I couldn't find a
reason to be with him.

"Pero wala naman 'yon. Hindi naman ako interesado," pahabol ko.

Shaira chuckled. "The years are treating you well, Mari. You're getting better with
age."
I reached for a tissue and wiped it across my lips. Tahimik lang ang mga lalaking
kasama namin sa mesa kaya lalo akong nahihiya sa pambobola ng kaibigan.

"Kaya kung ako lang ang tatanungin, dahil mataas ang competition sa market, kumilos
na ang mga dapat kumilos. Hindi na uso ang maginoo ngayon!"

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up, Shai. You know I'm not on the market for sale."

Tumayo si Leon kaya naputol ang usapan namin.

"Iinom ba kayo?" tanong niya sa . . . akin? Sa akin siya nakatingin, eh.

"Oo!" sagot ni Shaira.

Umiling naman ako. "Uuwi pa 'ko."

"Puwede namang ihatid!" pangungulit pa ng babae.

I looked at her. "I'll stay, but I won't drink. May aaralin ako bukas. Ayoko ng
hangover."

Umasim ang mukha niya. "Puta. Aral na naman?! Jusko, 'te! Ayan ka na naman! Pinapa-
realize mo na naman sa 'kin na bobo ako!"

"I'm studying for my doctorate," nakangusong sagot ko.

Tumikhim si Leon kaya naibalik ko ang tingin sa kanya.

"Kung iinom kayo, sa taas na lang tayo. Mas tahimik do'n."

Ganoon nga ang napagkasunduan namin. Nagpaalam lang kami sa kambal na sa tree house
kami mag-s-stay. Pumayag naman sila dahil marami-rami pa silang bisita na
kailangang asikasuhin.

Kami lang ni Shaira ang dumiretso sa tree house dahil bibili raw ng alak sina
Thaddeus at Leon. My friend couldn't stop gushing about her son and how quickly he
changed over time. Hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti sa mga kwento niya dahil nanay na
nanay na talaga siya. Na-i-imagine ko rin ang saya ni Thaddeus kapag nakikita ang
mag-ina niya. Kay Shaira pa nga lang, halata nang aliw na aliw siya. Ano pa kaya
kapag kasama na nito si Austin.

Wala namang nagbago sa loob ng tree house. Malinis ang mga gamit at halata mong
alagang-alaga ang mga muwebles. It wasn't new to me. Pareho naman kasi kaming
malinis ni Leon sa bahay.

"May itatanong ako," biglang sabi ni Shaira.

Nakaupo lang kami sa couch, hinihintay na dumating sina Leon at Thaddeus. May mga
inayos na kaming pagkain sa center table para sa pulutan.

Sumandal ako sa couch at binalingan ang kaibigan. "Ano 'yon?"

"Akala ko nagkakamabutihan na kayo ulit ni Leon . . ." she trailed off. "Bakit
hindi na naman kayo natuloy?"

I took a deep breath and shrugged. "Timing."

"Huh?"
I smiled at her. "Timing . . . laging mali 'yong timing namin. Kapag ayoko pa,
gusto naman niya. Kapag ako naman 'yong may gusto, ayaw niya na. Basta. Not the
exact thing . . . but same context."

"Si Leon? Aayaw?" Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. "Sayo?!"

"Ano'ng tingin mo sa 'kin? Perfect?" Pabiro ko siyang inirapan. "Syempre, may limit
din 'yong tao. Nagsasawa . . . napapagod. Ewan ko. Baka hindi kami para sa isa't
isa." Tumawa ako para ibsan ang kaunting kirot sa dibdib. "Ang tagal na, eh . . .
pero hindi lagi tumutuloy. I feel like every time we try, we just end up making a
mistake. Nagkakasakitan lang kami."

"Sinabi ni Leon sa 'yo 'yon? Na napapagod na siya at nagsasawa?"

I chuckled. "Chismosa mo."

Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata. "Sinabi nga?"

"Oo!" I said jokingly. "Nakakapagod daw akong mahalin."

Hindi siya agad nakasagot.

"Kaya, sa totoo lang, Shai . . ." I sighed, still keeping a faint smile on my lips.
"Kahit gusto ko pa, nahihiya na 'ko. Nakita mo naman 'yon, 'di ba? Ang bait no'n sa
'kin. Ang tiyaga. Pero . . . wala. Napagod din."

Agad kong pinalis ang luhang biglang tumulo sa pisngi ko.

"Ano ba 'yan!" tawa ko. "Okay na 'ko, eh. Kainis ka."

"Mari . . ."

Umiling ako. "Don't worry about me. I love Leon . . . and I think I forever
will . . . but I already accepted our fate. Our love was doomed to be a mistake
from the start. Masyado siyang maayos para sa 'kin. Alam ko naman na 'yon noon.
Ewan ko kung bakit hinayaan ko pa rin."

"Ang galing mong magtago ng nararamdaman. Akala ko, wala ka nang pakialam kay Leon.
O kung meron man . . . at least, hindi na pagmamahal."

Nagbuntong-hininga ako. "Mahal ko si Leon, Shai. If I could choose one person to

spend the rest of my life with, it would be him. Sinubok na kami ng panahon. My
love for him was already rooted in my soul. Kaya sarado rin ako sa pagmamahal ng
iba . . . kasi si Leon lang ang gusto ko. I made a bargain with God. Kung hindi si
Leon ang para sa 'kin, ipinagdasal kong huwag na Niya akong bigyan ng iba."

Nagtagal ang titig niya sa akin, para bang binabasa ako.

"What?" I joked.

"Wala lang. Queen things," sagot niya naman na nakapagpatawa sa akin.

Sandali kaming natahimik.

"Pero alam mo, Mari, normal naman ang mapagod sa relasyon. Nakakapagod 'yong away,
'yong maliliit na bagay na pinapalaki, 'yong selosan . . . lahat," litanya niya.
"We're humans. Our energy will be used up one way or another. So, when people say
that the right person will never get tired of you, they are lying. Mapapagod at
mapapagod ka, kahit ano pang gawin mo."

"Napagod ka na rin kay Thaddeus?"

"Aba, oo naman!" sagot niya. "Ang immature kaya namin dati! Kaunting away lang,
break. Kaunting lambing, balikan. Cycle 'yon. Nakakasawa."

"Eh, bakit kayo pa rin?"

She laughed. "Mahal namin ang isa't isa, eh. Lalo ngayon." Her eyes glowed. "I
tried to picture my life without him, but every time I did, I burst into tears.
Tinitimbang ko lagi. Kaya ko bang mahalin siya kahit nakakapagod na minsan o mas
kaya kong mabuhay nang wala siya pero masakit? I tried the latter, but I failed.
Masaya ako nang mag-isa, pero alam ko sa sarili kong mas masaya ako kapag kasama ko
si Deus."

"You're dependent on him . . .?"

"'Yan! 'Yang pride mo! Wala namang masama kung dumepende tayo minsan sa iba, 'no!"
Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin. "Deus is not the only thing that makes me happy, but
he's a big part of it! At ngayon, kapag napapagod kami, inaalala namin lahat ng
nalagpasan namin. Mararamdaman ko na lang na nililigawan niya ulit ako . . .
nilalandi. Parang ibinabalik niya lahat sa dati. Doon ko marerealize na . . .
shet . . . this is the only person I want to tire me out."

Her words somehow spoke to me. Gusto ko rin 'yon. Gusto ko ring si Leon lang ang
papagod sa 'kin kasi alam kong irerespeto niya ang pagpapahinga ko. Gusto kong siya
lang ang makakaaway ko sa maliliit na bagay . . . at ang makasama ko sa malalaki.
He was the only person I didn't mind getting hurt by . . . because I knew he
wouldn't do something like that on purpose. He was the only one I wanted to receive
cold shoulder from . . . because I knew he would still sleep at night, hugging me.

Sasagot pa sana ako kay Shaira nang dumating sina Leon at Thaddeus. Agad na napako
ang tingin sa akin ni Leon at ganoon din ako sa kanya. My heart was pounding
because I wanted him all to myself, but I was afraid he would push me away again.
Ayoko nang maramdaman ang pag-alis niya sa kamay ko kapag hawak ko siya. Ang
pagtanggal niya sa braso kong nakayakap sa kanya.

Nagsimula ang inuman nila at hindi naman sila nagpumilit na painumin ako. I noticed
that Leon was just taking his time drinking a can of root beer . . . na kinainisan
naman ni Shaira dahil nakaubos na silang dalawa ni Thaddeus ng isang bote ng Jack
Daniel's.

"Daya ni Leon!"

"Ihahatid ko pa kayo," sagot naman nito.

'Yong root beer nga lang ang inubos niya. Ni hindi niya na hinatian ang dalawa sa
ilan pang bote ng alak. Malakas mag-inom si Shaira, pero dahil si Thaddeus lang ang
katulong niya ay nalasing siya. She fell asleep on her partner's shoulder, and
Thaddeus was just hugging her, his face all red from cracking up with Leon.

Kwento lang ang ambag ko roon. Ilang na ilang pa ako dahil nahuhuli ko minsan ang
titig sa akin ni Leon. Halos alas dose na nang matapos sa pag-inom ang dalawa kaya
tinulungan ko na si Leon sa pag-aasikaso sa kanila. Wala na ang mga bisita at
tanging ang caterers na lang ang natira sa buong lugar. Naghahanda na rin ang mga
ito sa pag-alis.

"Hintayin mo na 'ko. Ihahatid ko lang sila," sabi ni Leon sa akin nang akmang
dadamputin ko na ang bag ko.

"H-Hindi na . . ." natatarantang sagot ko. "May masasakyan pa naman . . . okay

lang."

Umiling siya. "D'yan ka lang. Mabilis lang 'to."

Hindi pa ako nakakasagot ay tumalikod na siya. Napanguso tuloy ako. Parang hindi
niya na ako binigyan ng tyansa na makapili, ah!

Ginamit niya ang sasakyan ni Thaddeus at pinasunod naman niya si Nash gamit ang
sasakyan niya. Dahil ayokong matengga, tumulong na lang ako kay Nathaniel sa
paglilinis ng paligid. Hindi naman naging mahirap iyon dahil sa mga kasama naming
caterers.

Nang matanaw ko ang sasakyan ni Leon ay saka ko lang binitawan ang walis. Kukunin
ko na sana ulit sa tree house ang bag ko nang inilingan ako ni Leon . . . para bang
pinipigilan akong umakyat doon. Pumirmi na lang ako at sinamahan siyang magpaalam
at magpasalamat sa caterers.

"Uwi na rin kami, kuya, ate," sabi ni Nash. "Baka hindi na kami magbukas ng
tindahan bukas. May tama si Nathaniel, eh. Pahinga muna kami."

"Magdadala ako bukas ng corn soup sa inyo," saad ni Leon.

Umiling naman si Nash. "Hindi na, kuya. Ako na ang bahala ro'n," sabay tingin kay
Nathaniel. "Hoy! Tara na! 'Wag kang matulog d'yan!"

Pahirapan pa bago nakauwi ang kambal. Kahit malapit lang ay napilitan si Leon na
ihatid sila kaya naiwan akong mag-isa sa tree house. Umakyat ako roon dahil hindi
naman naka-lock ang pinto, at naupo sa couch habang hinihintay siya, takang-taka sa
sarili kung paanong ako na lang ang natira sa mga bisita.

It wasn't long until I heard the door open. Iniluwa noon si Leon na medyo magulo
ang buhok. Tumayo naman ako agad bitbit ang bag ko, bahagyang natataranta sa
presensya niya.

"Coffee?" he asked.

My lips parted a bit. "Hindi pa ako . . . uuwi?"

Hindi siya sumagot. I moved the bridge of my glasses, and he did, too . . . making
my heart beat aggressively again. For fuck's sake! Nagkasabay lang kami! Calm the
hell down!

"Napagod ako sa paghahatid . . ." sagot niya bago dumiretso sa kusina. "Maya-maya."

"Ahh, okay," maliit ang boses na saad ko naman.

Naamoy ko ang kapeng tinitimpla niya. I just stood there in the middle of the
living room, staring at his back and carrying my bag on my shoulder. Nilingon niya
ako at bumaba ang tingin niya sa bag ko kaya dahan-dahan kong ibinaba iyon sa
couch. Baka isipin kasi niyang minamadali ko siya.

"Mainit d'yan. Tara dito . . ."

Naglakad siya papunta sa balcony, at hindi ko malaman kung dapat ko ba siyang

sundan o hindi. We didn't really talk much when Shaira and Thaddeus were here, so I
didn't know what to do now that he was talking to me. Actually, we didn't talk
earlier. At all.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago siya sundan sa balcony. He leaned against the
railing, so I did, too. He then handed me the cup of coffee, and I just gently
reached for it. Tahimik kong sinimsim iyon habang pinakikiramdaman ang banayad na
paghaplos ng hangin sa balat ko.

I never knew that happiness could be this quiet.

Tuloy ay hindi ko maiwasang hindi maalala ang pangako sa sarili na kapag natapos na
ang lahat . . . yayakapin ko siya. Walang pakialam sa puwede niyang isipin, basta
yayakapin ko siya.

I wasn't able to bear that promise. Sa dulo, nanaig pa rin ang hiya at takot sa
dibdib ko sa magiging reaksyon niya.

For as long as I could remember, Leon was like coming . . . home. Being with him
felt like slipping into the worn leather of my favorite pair of old shoes, reading
the most comforting part of the book, or wrapping myself in a thin blanket on a
cold night.

Ibinaba ko ang tasa sa coffee table na naroon at muling bumalik sa paghawak sa

railings. It was a beautiful, silent night. Bonus pa na kasama ko siya.

From my peripheral vision, I saw him putting his mug on the coffee table, too.
Napangiti lang ako dahil napagbigyan ko ang sarili na makita at makasama ulit siya.

"Bagay sa 'yo ang buhok mo."

I tightened my grip on the railings when he said that.

"T-Talaga?" Halos mamura ko ang sarili nang mautal ako. "Ano . . . medyo mahirap
ngang i-maintain."

Muli kaming natahimik at ang tanging naririnig ko lang ay ang malakas na tibok ng
puso ko. It was beating so fast and hard that I thought I would pass out.

"You should take vitamin A for your eyes, though. Mahirap ang malabo ang
mata . . ."

Tumango ako. "I'm taking multivitamins."

Naramdaman ko ang pagbaling niya sa akin at mula sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay pansin
ko ang maliit na ngiti sa labi niya.

"Your figure is nice, too . . ." he commented. "Looks like you're taking care of
yourself now."

Parang may bumikig sa lalamunan ko sa narinig. I felt his concern and worry just by
saying that.

"Nagwo-workout ako. May gym sa taas ng condo," mahinang sabi ko bago mabilis na
sumulyap sa kanya. "Ikaw rin. You look better and healthier now."

Pinaglaruan ko ang kamay ko sa railings. The sky was brimming with stars, and the
moon was at its fullest. Kung bibigyan lang ako ng tapang ng buwan, hihingi ako ng
yakap kay Leon. I just felt like I needed his warmth and comfort . . . kahit pa
okay naman na ako.
"I overheard your conversation with Shaira . . ."

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Why did I forget about his habit of unintentional
eavesdropping?!

"Uuwi na ako," saad ko, hindi gustong ipagpatuloy ang pag-uusap. "Malalim na ang
gabi. Malayo pa 'ko."

Humarap ako sa kanya at halos mahigit ko ang hininga nang mahuli siyang nakatingin
na sa akin. His lips no longer bore the little smile he had previously held, and
his eyes had taken on a sterner expression.

"Hindi ka dapat nakikinig sa mga ganoong usapan," suway ko.

He chuckled sarcastically. "I'll apologize if I regret it, but I don't."

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi nang lalong nagwala ang dibdib ko. Isang beses
kong inayos ang salamin at matalim siyang tiningnan.

"Aalis na 'ko," matigas na saad ko.

I turned my back on him, overwhelmed by my feelings.

"Amari."

Napapikit ako nang marinig iyon sa kanya. It sounded like an order for me to stop
walking right away.

"Bakit kasi nakikinig ka sa usapan nang may usapan?!" Nanginig ang boses ko. "Lagi
mo na lang ugali 'yan! Wala akong pakialam kung sinasadya mo o hindi!"

"Hindi ko sinasady—"

"Ewan ko sa 'yo, Zamora!" I bit my lower lip again, wanting so badly to fight my
tears from falling.

Hiyang-hiya ako. Narinig niya ang mga sinabi ko kay Shaira . . . I poured my heart
and soul into answering my friend's question, and he heard all that!

Naramdaman ko ang paglapit niya sa akin, at hindi na ako nagulat nang makita siya
sa tapat ko. I was being dramatic, wanting to yell out of fury because I didn't
want to tell him how I felt about him in that way. Ni hindi ko nga siya nayakap
noong panahon na kailangang-kailangan ko 'yon, tapos sa ganoong paraan niya lang
pala malalaman ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya.

He bent down a little to meet my gaze at eye level.

Nang magtama ang mga mata namin ay sunod-sunod na nagbagsakan ang luha ko. Hindi ko
alam kung bakit. Hiya, takot, sakit . . . halo-halo lahat.

"A-Ano?" pagsusungit ko nang hawakan niya ang pisngi ko.

He wiped my tears away gently, his eyes locked on me as if he could see everything
in me.

"Mahal mo 'ko?" puno ng lambing na tanong niya.

Another wave of tears stung my eyes, and my searing glare softened toward him.
"Amari . . ."

Pinalis ko ang sariling luha. I rubbed my eyes so that I could see him better.
Mapungay ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa akin at bahagyang nakaawang ang
mapupulang labi.

"Sumagot ka . . . mahal mo 'ko?"

Dahan-dahan akong tumango dahil alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ko na kayang

magsalita. There was a lump in my throat, and I knew I could only get rid of it if
I cried more.

A tear dropped from his eye as a small smile flashed across his lips.

Tuluyan lang akong napahikbi nang hinigit niya ako para yakapin.

"Mahal din kita." I could tell from his voice that he was crying, too. "Amari,
mahal na mahal na mahal kita . . ."

Chapter 47 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 47

I buried my face against his chest, my shoulders shuddering from sobbing.

"S-Sabi mo, pagod ka na," nanghihinang bulong ko.

Naramdaman ko ang pag-iling niya. Humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin na para bang
takot na takot siyang mawala ako. His heart was pounding hard, and I could feel his
chest heaving with each breath.

"No'ng nakapagpahinga ako, ikaw pa rin ang hinahanap ko."

Nanikip ang dibdib ko sa narinig na pag-iingat sa tinig niya. He said it softly, as

if he didn't want his words to break me.

"No'ng nakapagpahinga ako . . . ikaw pa rin ang mahal ko."

Muling umagos ang luha ko. This time, I knew it was because of happiness. Tuluyang
tinangay ng hangin ang mga agam-agam ko. Ang kaba, ang hiya, ang takot, ang sakit.
All of them vanished into thin air because of the assurance that he was still in
love with me.

Ang dami kong gustong itanong, sabihin, ikwento . . . pero lahat 'yon, walang-wala
sa kagustuhan kong manatili kaming malapit sa isa't isa. I wanted to feel his
warmth, knowing how its comfort would soothe the shattered pieces of my heart. I
wanted to feel a sense of his safety, knowing that he would be by my side no matter
what.

"I-I'm sorry for everything." His voice cracked. "I'm so, so sorry for leaving
you . . . for giving up on us . . . I'm sorry for not being with you when you're
going through something. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry, Amari . . . I'm
sorry for always failing you. I'm sor—"

"Shh . . ." I cut him off.

Bahagya akong lumayo sa kanya para makita ko ang mukha niya. The tears were
streaming down both of our faces, and I couldn't help but be grateful that no one
else had ever seen this vulnerable side of him.

"Ang dami ko ring pagkukulang sa 'yo," I told him. "Ang dami kong nasabi at
nagawang hindi tama." I cracked a faint smile, feeling the relief in my chest.
"Sorry din . . ."

I reached for his face and wiped it gently. Malamlam ang mga mata niya, taliwas sa
matalim na tingin niya kanina sa akin.

"We have to make up for the years we've lost, Zamora . . ." I said. "I have you
locked up now."

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na magkayakap. Aside from the times we
cuddled in bed, it was the longest hug I'd ever gotten. The wounds that had turned
into scars were kissed by the way he held me. The exhaustion I thought would never
go away with rest was cradled by the way we found each other again.

Inalala ko lahat ng nangyari sa amin. Mula sa pagtatalo sa klase, sa hulihan ng

tingin dahil magkatapat lang ang silya namin, sa pagiging magkapartner sa school
activities at thesis, sa ligawan at tampuhan, sa mga simpleng date, sa pagtatapos
nang sabay, sa pangangarap nang magkasama, hanggang sa matatalas na salitang
nabitawan sa isa't isa.

Still, despite our flaws, the love we had for each other remained unwavering and
soothing. Malayo na ang narating namin at marami na rin kaming nakilala. He
could've been in a relationship with another girl and built a future with her . . .
but he was here, not breaking his promise of waiting for me until the time was
right.

"Magpapahatid ka pa?" tanong niya.

We were now facing the property he had just bought. He was behind me, and both of
his arms were on my sides, trapping me in them.

I bit my lower lip to suppress a smile. I liked our position. I liked his question.
I liked everything we had now.

Humilig ako sa dibdib niya at bahagyang humawak sa braso niya. My Zamora was
working out for sure. He had tight muscles in all the right places. Pakiramdam ko
tuloy ay ang liit-liit ko kapag kasama siya . . . kahit pa sakto lang naman ang
tangkad ko para sa edad ko.

I poked his biceps.

"Kaya mo pang mag-drive?" I asked, slightly hoping he'd say no.

I felt his chest quiver as a deep, low chuckle came out of his mouth.

"Hindi na, eh." There was humor in his tone.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango, pinipigilan pa rin ang pag-alpas ng ngiti. My heart

sounded like it was about to burst from the excitement and happiness I was feeling.

"Okay . . ."

Muli siyang tumawa. Ang brasong hawak ko ay ginamit niya para higitin ako palapit
sa kanya. Bahagya akong napaigik.

He leaned in close, and before I could even react, I felt his lips gently brush
across the side of my neck. His sharp nose grazed against my collarbone, and his
breath tickled my flesh.

Nag-init ang mukha ko. "Hey . . ."

Hindi niya ako pinansin kaya wala akong nagawa kung hindi damhin ang lapit namin.
His touch had me intoxicated . . . hypnotized. Nakatuon pa rin ang isa niyang kamay
sa gilid ko, tila ba sinusuportahan niya ang bigat niya. Tumama ang salamin niya sa
panga ko, at halos bumigay ang tuhod ko nang muli niyang patakan ng halik ang leeg
ko.

"You sure you'll sleep here?"

The sound of his baritone shook me to my core. Mula sa mata ko ay bumaba ang tingin
niya papunta sa ilong at labi ko. Nakakalasing ang paraan ng pagtingin niya roon.
It seemed like he was being enticed and lured in.

"Yeah . . . but I don't have extra clothes," halos ibulong ko ang mga salita sa
hangin.

Parang hindi niya naintindihan ang sinabi ko. I felt him pull me gently by the
waist again, closer this time, as he leaned forward and gave me a swift kiss on the
lips.

"I still have the dress nanay gave you," aniya habang nakatingin pa rin sa labi ko.
"And as for your underwear, I'll look for my smallest boxer . . ."

Hindi ako makapag-focus. He spoke to me in a deep, hushed voice, yet his gaze on my
lips was filled with a piercing desire.

I swallowed hard before pulling him close by the collar. Itinagilid ko ang ulo at
agad na ipinikit ang mata nang magtama ang labi namin. His body tensed up a little,
but I didn't care. I just kissed him softly, showing all the care and love I could
muster. Dahan-dahang naalis ang kamay niya sa baywang ko at naramdaman ko na lang
na isinasandal niya ako sa barandilya.

He was unresponsive, so I stopped. Nagmulat ako bago bahagyang lumayo sa kanya.

Both of his arms were pinning me against the railings, so there wasn't much space
between us. Madilim ang mata niya nang tanggalin ang salamin ko at ganoon din ang
ginawa niya sa kanya.

Ipinaling ko ang ulo sa kamay niya kung saan niya hawak ang mga salamin namin. He
had them in one hand while still trapping me between the railings.

"Do your thing again, Mendoza."

Pagharap na pagharap ko sa kanya ay agad niya akong sinalubong ng halik. I was so

surprised that I let out a gasp, but all he did was use that as a chance to deepen
the kiss. Napapikit ako kasabay ng pagkapit ko sa braso niya habang ang isa ko pang
kamay ay nakapatong lang sa dibdib niya.

Unlike mine, he didn't waste his time giving me soft kisses. He started off in an
intense and penetrating manner. Kinagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi ko at
pinaglaruan ang aking dila, dahilan para maghari sa paligid ang banayad ngunit
senswal na tunog ng paghahalikan namin. The feeling of his mouth parting my
shivering lips sent pulses through my senses and triggered a twinge of excitement I
had never felt for so long.

Ramdam ko sa palad ko ang pagkarera ng dibdib niya. Instinctively, my hands found

their way to his nape, pulling him in closer, begging him to make the most of our
kiss. Naramdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng katawan ko sa tunog ng mahinang halinghing
niya. I imitated the motion of his lips toward mine to express how long I'd been
pining for him.

"You have to stop kissing me," he panted as he buried his face in my neck, planting
soft and wet smooches there.

I was gasping for air, catching my breath. I felt hot all over, and I didn't think
I could get enough of him.

"If I don't?" I asked.

Tumaas ang halik niya sa panga ko. Gaya ko, mabigat din ang mga paghinga niya.

"I don't want to break my long promise to you just hours after we made up," bulong
niya. "If we don't stop now, I might lose control . . ."

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa pantalon niya at lalong nag-init ang katawan ko nang makita
ang . . . senyales . . . niya.

"You're . . ." Ngumuso ako, hindi mapagpatuloy ang sasabihin.

"What?"

Lumunok ako nang muli kong naramdaman ang labi niya sa leeg ko. He was biting a
sensitive part of it like he knew it would make me want more of him.

"Hard?" he whispered, his voice sensual. "You showed up here really pretty and
hot . . . hindi ka na dapat nagugulat."

I let go of my inhibitions. I didn't really care about his promise because I was
sure of loving only him.

Akmang hahalikan ko na ulit siya nang makarinig kami ng mahihinang katok sa pinto.
Sabay pa kaming napatingin doon.

"Kuya?"

"Fuck . . ." bulong niya.

Nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi bago dahan-dahang ibinaba ang kamay sa dibdib
niya. I pushed him a little, but he didn't budge.

"Hayaan mo siya. Let them think I'm already asleep."

He leaned in again, ready to kiss me, when the soft knocks persisted.

"Kuya . . ."

Muli siyang napamura.

"Nathaniel, sa balcony mo nga tawagin. Bukas pa ang ilaw, eh. Imposibleng tulog na
'yon."

I pursed my lips to keep myself from chuckling. Pakiramdam ko ay nabitin ako, pero
mas lamang sa akin ang aliw sa reaksyon ni Leon.

"Sige na. Puntahan mo na muna. Baka importante."

Kitang-kita ko ang pag-aatubili sa mukha niya. I pushed him again, and he rolled
his eyes as he finally gave in. Isinuot niya sa akin ang salamin ko bago niya
isinuot ang kanya.

Inayos ko ang sarili nang pumasok kami sa loob. Umupo muna ako sa couch para pilit
na kalmahin ang nagwawala ko pa ring dibdib. Pakiramdam ko ay pulang-pula ang mukha
ko sa nangyari. I finger-combed my hair over and over again, feeling a little shy
about how aggressive I was.

"Ano?"

Yumuko ako para itago ang ngisi sa narinig na pagsusungit sa boses ni Leon nang
pagbuksan ang mga kapatid.

"Naiwan namin ang gamit namin d'yan sa loob. Eh . . . nasa bag 'yong cellphone."

It was Nathaniel's slurred voice. Halata mong may tama na.

"Hindi ba puwedeng mamaya? Madaling araw na, ah?" sermon ni Leon.

"Sorry, kuya—"

"Kaninong sapatos 'to?" putol ni Nathaniel kay Nash. "Kay Ate Amari ba?"

I heard a few noises.

"Ate? Nand'yan ka pa? Ba't hindi ka pa umuuwi? May ginagawa ba kay—"

Tinakpan ko ang bibig para hindi nila marinig ang pagtawa ko dahil sa pagsasarado
ni Leon ng pinto.

"Maghintay kayo d'yan. Ako na ang kukuha ng gamit n'yo," masungit na sabi pa nito.

"Nand'yan nga si Ate Amari, kuya?" tanong ni Nash.

Humalakhak si Nathaniel. "Malamang! Ito ang suot kanina no'n, eh. Talagang hindi
pinauwi!"

"Tanga ka. 'Wag kang maingay. Baka natutulog na."

"Nako, gumising ka, ate! Gumawa na kayo ng pamangkin namin!"

Binuksan ulit ni Leon ang pinto at pinanood ko kung paanong iniitsa niya ang bag ng
kambal sa labas. Magkasalubong ang kilay niya at iritableng-iritable sa mga
kapatid.

"Umalis na kayo. Hindi ko na kayo ihahatid. At kapag bumalik pa kayo, hinding-hindi

ko na kayo pagbubuksan."

Hindi pa nakakasagot ang dalawa ay muli na niyang isinarado ang pinto. Naglakad
siya palapit sa akin nang nakakunot ang noo kaya hindi maalis-alis ang ngiti sa
labi ko.

"Good night, kuya! Good night, ate!" sigaw ni Nathaniel.

"Huling inom mo na 'to. Patay ka kay kuya bukas . . ."

Nagbuntong-hininga si Leon.

"I'm sorry about that."

I chuckled. "They're cute."

Umiling siya, salubong pa rin ang kilay. "Not in my eyes."

Natatawang tumayo ako. I looked at the attic before returning my gaze to him.

"'Yong damit . . ." I said. "Maliligo muna ako."

He sighed again, showing a bit of reluctance. Tumitig siya sa akin bago muling
napabuga ng hangin. He went to his closet and got the blue and red floral dusters
that Tita Leah had given me before. Napagkasunduan naming iwan na lang iyon noon sa
bahay nila kung sakali mang may mga pagkakataon na sa kanila ako matutulog.
Nakakatuwa lang na kahit ilang taon na ang nagdaan ay nandito pa rin iyon.

"Which one do you want?" he asked.

Ngumiti ako. "Blue."

He grinned slightly before returning the red duster to the closet. He then took the
smallest boxer he had, as well as a white towel, and walked over to me.

Nagkatitigan kami at bahagya akong nailing doon. Hindi ko alam. Parang panaginip
lang ang lahat at sa oras na magising ako ay mawawala siya sa harap ko. We had been
through so much already that I didn't think we would ever be together again.

Sa pagkislap ng mga mata niya ay alam kong iisa ang nasa isip namin. My mind was at
ease, and my heart felt as if it understood that everything had been put back where
it belonged.

"Maliligo na 'ko . . ." pagpapaalam ko.

Isang beses lang siyang tumango. Kinuha ko sa kanya ang mga gamit at tahimik na
lumabas ng bahay. Nasa maliit na cabin kasi sa tabi nito ang banyo niya.

I walked into the cabin and was stunned by what I saw inside. It had a walk-in
shower with glass walls and a soaker tub underneath. Off to one side was a sink
with a mirror above it, and only a meter or so away was the toilet.

Hindi ko na pinatagal ang pagmamasid. I started showering with all of Leon's

products, making me smell like him. Napapangiti ako habang sinasabon ang katawan
dahil pakiramdam ko ay dumidikit ang amoy niya sa akin. Hindi na ako nag-abalang
magbasa ng buhok para hindi ako mahirapang patuyuin iyon. Leon also had a spare
toothbrush, so I didn't have any trouble getting myself clean.

When I finished, I went back inside the house. Si Leon naman ang nagpaalam para
makapaligo rin.

I looked at his clock and realized that it was almost 3 in the morning. Kadalasan
ay tulog na ako nang ganitong oras pero ngayon ay wala sa hinagap ko ang antok.
Umakyat na ako sa attic at inihanda ang tutulugan namin . . . kahit pa malinis
naman iyon. For some reason, the thought of falling asleep next to Leon again had
me smiling from ear to ear.
Nahiga ako sa kaliwang bahagi ng kama. My cheeks were flushed from the kiss we had
shared. Hindi pa nakatulong na kahit ang mga punda ng unan at comforter ay kaamoy
niya.

It wasn't long before he climbed into the attic too. Humiga siya sa tabi ko at
awtomatiko ang paghigit niya sa akin para yumakap. I cuddled up to him, using his
arm as a pillow as he spooned me on his chest. Naramdaman ko pa ang banayad na
paghalik niya sa tuktok ng ulo ko.

"Sleep now. We'll have a lot to talk about later."

And so I did. I closed my eyes and silently thanked God for giving me the chance to
be with Leon again.

Magtatanghali na nang magising ako. Amoy ko ang niluluto ni Leon sa baba kaya
sumilip ako roon at nakita nga siyang nasa kusina na. The sun was streaming in
through the glass door of his balcony, lighting up practically half of his house as
he was listening to soothing, classical instrumental music.

Nakaayos na rin ang mesa. The dishes and utensils were already there. Para bang
kakain na lang ako kapag bumangon na ako.

Inayos ko muna ang kama namin bago bumaba. Narinig niya naman ako dahil agad ang
pagbaling niya sa akin. I approached him and kissed him on the cheek before
greeting him good morning. Ganoon din naman ang ginawa niya. Hinalikan niya ang noo
ko at pinapunta na sa mesa para doon maghintay ng umagahan namin.

Needless to say, it was a peaceful breakfast. He said he would take me home

afterward so I could get some clothes for him to wear in the treehouse. Magdadala
rin siya ng gamit sa pad ko para kapag doon naman siya natulog ay may pamalit din
siya. We didn't question it because we'd already lived under the same roof before.
Mas sanay kami sa ganoong set-up. Lalo ngayong ang dami naming na-miss sa buhay ng
isa't isa.

"Why didn't you tell me that you didn't work for my parents?" tanong ko.

I knew that his reason no longer mattered to me, but I still wanted to know what it
was. Kung nalaman ko agad na wala siyang koneksyon kina Percy at Valeen ay baka
hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na makipagbalikan sa kanya.

Nagbuntong-hininga siya. Magkatapat kami at kitang-kita ko sa mga mata niya ang

sinseridad.

"I still consider it. Hindi ko nga ginawa . . . pero inisip ko pa rin." He shook
his head. "It doesn't make it less of a mistake."

I pursed my lips. "Kahit na. At least, hindi mo ginawa . . . o kung totoo mang
ginawa mo, maiintindihan ko na. You needed it before. I was just too hurt to
understand you."

"People who hurt you don't deserve your understanding, Amari," he said. "Just
because you're in a relationship with me doesn't mean you have to rationalize my
mistakes. Mali ako kahit ano pang rason ko . . . and I only realized it when you
broke up with me."

"ABC model of psychology . . ." I gave him a small smile. "When we're in pain, we
tend to act differently, and I can never blame you for that. Mahal mo ang pamilya
mo, at no'ng mga oras na 'yon, ayun lang ang nakita mong paraan para tulungan
sila."
He reached for my hand and gently kissed it.

"Sorry . . ." bulong niya. "I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for not paying
back the money you had given my family."

His chest heaved.

"No'ng unang beses na sumweldo ako, itinabi ko na 'yong pambayad ko sa 'yo. Hindi
ko lang alam kung paano ko iaabot . . . o kung paano ko sasabihin sa 'yo nang hindi
ipinapaliwanag lahat," pagpapatuloy niya. "I left you alone and penniless, Amari,
and it hurt me because there was nothing I could do about it. Gustuhin ko mang
balikan ka sa Italy . . ." Umiling siya. "Wala pa akong pera at kailangan ako ni
nanay at ng mga kapatid ko."

Something clenched at my heart. Sa totoo lang ay hindi ko na naisip ang perang

ipinadala ko sa kanya nang iwan niya ako. Hindi ko kailanman kinwenta ang tulong na
naibigay ko sa kanya dahil mahal ko siya . . . at napakalaking tulong din naman ang
naibigay niya sa akin noon. We loved each other so much that we didn't need to
count up who gave more.

"Kaya sinabi mong kalimutan kita?"

He nodded slowly. "Kasi . . . wala kang mapapala sa 'kin. You have a bright future
ahead of you. I don't want you to be tied down to someone with a lot of baggage.
Malayo ang mararating mo . . . hindi ko kayang higitin ka pababa kasama 'ko."

His voice was full of pain, and the way he firmly held my hand told me that he was
still thinking about it.

"When I learned that you earned your master's degree . . ." His lips trembled a bit
as he kissed my hand again. "Proud na proud ako. Gusto kong isigaw sa lahat na ako
'yong kasama mong nangarap . . . at sa unang pagkakataon, nasabi ko sa sarili ko na
tama lang 'yong ginawa kong paglayo sa 'yo."

I bowed and focused on my plate, thinking about everything I'd gone through without
him.

"You didn't reach out to me during those years . . ."

"I'm undeserving of you, Amari. Wala akong lakas ng loob para kausapin ka," agap
niya. "You were far up there while I was still struggling to make ends meet. No'ng
ibinalitang ikakasal sina Karsen at Kobe, nasa isip ko, sana hindi ka umuwi . . .
kasi kapag nakita kita ulit, baka kumapal 'yong mukha ko . . ." He chuckled lowly.
"And it really did happen."

"Struggling to make ends meet," I echoed as I looked back at him. "But most of your
clothes are branded and you have a car."

"Sinabi ko naman sa 'yo, 'di ba? Hulugan lang 'yon, pero fully paid na ngayon."
Ibinaba niya ang kamay ko pero hawak niya pa rin iyon. "At hindi lahat ng damit ko
ay branded. I still go to thrift stores sometimes. Isinusuot ko lang 'yong mga
mamahalin kapag alam kong makikita kita . . . o kapag pupunta ako sa library."

Nag-init ang mukha ko sa narinig. So, he'd been dressing up for me? That's . . .
cute.

"Nag-invest din ako noon sa stock market. Inaral ko para may passive income ako. It
went up so much last year that I could afford to buy the land outside. Matagal ko
nang minamata 'yon. Bukod sa gusto kong i-extend ang plantation ni nanay, puwede
ring magtayo ng bahay roon para sa magiging pamilya ko."

"May treehouse na, ah?"

Tumingin siya sa paligid. "It only has one bedroom. Walang matutulugan ang mga
magiging anak natin kapag nagkataon."

Bahagyang namilog ang mga mata ko. "Mga?"

He looked back at me and nodded. "I want three children, but of course, you get to
decide in the end. It's your body after all."

Napatawa ako. "So, you're already preparing even though you don't know what might
happen? Paano kung hindi tayo nagkabalikan?"

"Edi para sa mga kapatid ko. I'll just expand the plantation and make a living for
them." Tumawa rin siya. "It's you or no one for me, Amari. Gaya mo, ayoko na ring
magmahal ng iba."

We talked a lot more that day. Sinabi ko sa kanya ang pag-aaral at ang pagtatrabaho
ko ulit sa PAI dahil nagpaplano ang kompanya na magtayo ng branch sa Pilipinas. He
asked me about the books I was reading and some other random stuff. Tinanong ko rin
siya tungkol sa master's degree niya at nalaman kong kasalukuyan niyang inaasikaso
ang dissertation niya. Kasabay pa ng pagiging businessman dahil marami na rin
siyang kausap na papakyaw ng mga pananim sa plantation ay ang pagpapart-time niya
pa sa VDMH bilang psychometrician. He resigned as a chief human resources officer
because he couldn't do everything at once.

Hindi man malaking-malaki ang lupa ni Tita Leah ay sapat na iyon para maging stable
ang income niya. He surely was a smart guy who could make a living out of a small
thing.

Kapag kasi may bakanteng oras ay umaakyat siya sa Benguet para mag-angkat ng mga
gulay na ibinebenta niya naman sa mga tindera sa palengke. May iba pa na siya na
ang ginagawang direct supplier. Minsan ay si Nash ang nakakatulong niya sa
pagkausap sa mga kliyente o pagbebenta, lalo kapag may pasok siya sa graduate
school o may trabaho sa VDMH. Mukha namang interesado roon ang nakababatang
kapatid. Si Nathaniel kasi ay magtutuloy ng pag-aaral at balak talaga nitong mag-
diretso sa pagdo-doctor.

I realized that nothing had pretty much changed in our lives. We were still busy.
Lalo na siya. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano niya napagkakasya ang dalawampu't apat
na oras sa isang araw sa dami ng ginagawa niya. He also told me he'd hire farmers
to help him with the plantation, especially after the expansion. Hindi naman kasi
kaya nang mag-isa lang siya.

Tatlong linggo akong naglagi sa treehouse niya. Tuwing umaga, tinutulungan ko

siyang suriin ang taniman at tuwing gabi, magkasama kaming nag-aaral sa attic.
Dahil work from home ang setting ng trabaho ko ay hindi ako umaalis sa bahay niya.
Minsan, pinapanood ko lang siya sa balcony habang ginagawa niya ang trabaho niya sa
plantation o hihintayin na lang siyang makauwi kung may schedule naman siya sa
VDMH. Kapag kailangan kong mag-report sa school ay inihahatid niya ako at sinusundo
rin.

"You're ready?" he asked while looking at me.

I nodded before standing. "Upo ka rito. I'll dry your hair."

Tumalima naman siya. We turned toward the mirror, and I started combing his hair as
I dried it with my blower. Titig na titig lang siya sa akin habang ginagawa iyon.

"What?" natatawang tanong ko.

"Your lips are naturally red," he commented. "Ang ganda."

I pouted. "Nilagyan ko na ng lipstick 'yan."

Umiling siya. "Kahit no'ng college. Pula na talaga ang labi mo kahit wala kang
inilalagay."

"Ba't mo tinitingnan?" Pinandilatan ko siya.

Napangisi siya. "They're full and kissable. I can't help it."

Pabiro ko lang siyang inirapan. We would go see Tita Leah at her new home today and
spend the whole morning with her. Pagkatapos noon ay uuwi kami sa pad ko para doon
maglagi ng ilang linggo. It would be my first time seeing Tita Leah after such a
long time. Wala pa man ay inaatake na ako ng lungkot dahil hindi ko kailanman
naisip na sa ganitong paraan ko ulit siya makikita.

I knew that Leon was still sad about it. He cherished his mother so much and would
go to great lengths to make her life a little easier. Kaya siya nag-aral at
nagtrabaho nang mabuti noon ay para din kay Tita. He told me he wanted to make up
for all the things she gave up for their family . . . and the fact that she died
before he could do it was surely a burden to his heart.

"Good morning, tita . . ." I whispered in the wind as we put the flowers on her
grave.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtabi sa akin ni Leon. He wrapped his left arm around me and
drew me in.

"Binalikan na ako ni Amari, nay," marahang wika niya. "Sana hindi ka na galit sa
'kin . . ."

I put my right arm around his waist and gazed at him. "Bakit naman siya magagalit
sa 'yo?"

Hindi niya ako binalingan. Ang mga mata niya ay nanatiling nakatutok sa puntod ng
ina.

"Ayaw niya sa ginawa ko. Nagalit siya no'ng nalaman niyang iniwan kita para sa
pera." Niyakap niya pa ako palapit sa kanya. "She said she'd rather die than get
better with the money of people who hurt you."

I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in my heart. I'd always known that Tita Leah was a
good woman, but I never thought she would care about me that much.

"Siya ang nagpa-realize sa 'kin na hindi tama ang ginawa ko. Na kung kaya kitang
ipagpalit sa pera, wala raw akong karapatang sabihing mahal kita."

"Your reason is valid, Leon."

"Nanay showed me many other options. Puwedeng ibenta 'yong lupa niya na naibalik sa
amin ni Psyche. Puwedeng mangutang sa ilang kaibigan. Puwedeng isangla ang bahay."
He shook his head. "Hindi dapat kasama sa pamimilian ang paghingi ng tulong sa mga
taong nanakit sa 'yo."
I sighed before leaning against his chest. "It's done. I'm okay with everything now
. . . kaya 'wag mo nang sisihin nang sisihin ang sarili mo. I have my shortcomings,
too. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang may pagkakamali sa relasyon natin."

Umihip ang hangin. I saw how the plants and trees moved in sync with it as if it
was a musical instrument humming a lullaby.

"Rinig mo 'yon, nay? She still forgave me . . ." Leon chuckled lowly. "I wonder
what your reaction will be if you're here."

Nanatili kami ng higit tatlong oras doon. The sun was hiding behind the clouds, so
it wasn't too hot. Ipinagpasalamat ko kay Tita Leah ang pagiging mabuting ina kay
Leon at sa kambal. We also told her that those two had learned their lessons and
were now moving forward with their dreams that had been put on hold.

Kita ko sa mga mata ni Leon kung gaano niya ka-miss si Tita. Even while we were
howling with laughter together, his eyes would get sentimental whenever he gazed at
the grave.

"Proud siya sa 'yo . . ." saad ko sa kanya nang sumakay kami sa kotse niya.

We were still at the cemetery, looking over the grave from his car.

"You managed to rise from all the crap life had thrown at you. Sigurado akong kung
nandito siya ngayon, paulit-ulit niyang sasabihin kung gaano siya kasaya na naging
anak ka niya." Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at hinawakan iyon. "So, forgive yourself,
too, Leon. You didn't fail anyone. You are not to blame for what is bound to
happen."

Matagal na naiwan ang atensyon niya sa puntod ni Tita bago siya dahan-dahang
bumaling sa 'kin.

"I didn't fail you?" he asked.

Umiling ako. "We needed to go our separate ways to heal, Leon. Hindi kita puwedeng
mahalin habang sugatan ako at hindi mo rin ako puwedeng mahalin habang marami ka
pang dala-dala. We can't really love each other if we don't know how to love
ourselves first."

"So . . . now . . ." he trailed off, finding something in my eyes.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, now's our time, Leon. Mahal na kita noon . . . pero mas
mahal na mahal kita ngayon."

Nanubig ang mga mata ko nang makita ko sa mukha niya ang labis na pagmamahal sa
akin.

"I'm so proud of us," I whispered.

Hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa kamay niya at inilagay iyon sa pisngi ko habang

nakatingin pa rin sa mapupungay niyang mata.

"No more waiting, okay? I don't really like my last name, so you have to keep your
promise and make me a Zamora."

Chapter 48 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 48

Nagpatuloy ang ganoong set-up namin ni Leon. Minsan ay sa treehouse kami

nagpapahinga at minsan naman ay sa pad ko. We could live separately, of course, but
we couldn't get enough of each other and we'd been apart for so long that I wanted
to keep him as close to me as possible. Tuwing Saturday, Sunday, at Monday lang
kami naghihiwalay para solong gawin ang mga trabaho.

"May grand reunion daw tayo, ah? Pupunta kayo?" tanong ni Meg habang nagvi-video
call kaming apat nina Shaira at Zoey.

"Ako, baka hindi. Dami kong work." Humikab si Zoey. "Kayo ba, Mari? Shai?"

Nakita ko ang pagngisi ni Shaira sa akin. "Pupunta ako. Si Mari ang hindi ko alam.
Nando'n si Leon, eh. Ang awkward nila last time." Tumawa pa ito.

Pinigilan ko ang mapahalakhak. No one knew that Leon and I started dating again,
aside from Nash and Nathaniel. Kahit kina Mill, Karsen, at Kat ay hindi ko pa
binabanggit. We just wanted to enjoy our time alone first before telling our
friends about it.

"Ano'ng meron?" usisa ni Meg. "Hindi pa ba kayo nagkakabalikan?"

Zoey pouted cutely. "Oo nga . . . akala ko okay kayo."

"Hay nako! Magkakasama lang kami no'ng celebration ni Nathaniel, 'di ba? Hindi nag-
uusap 'yong dalawa!" sagot ni Shaira. "Taka nga si Thaddeus na hindi pa sila
nagkaayos samantalang nauna naman kaming umuwi raw kay Mari. Siguradong hinatid
'yan ni Leon sa tinitirahan niya ngayon at gabing-gabi na kami natapos!"

I rolled my eyes jokingly to suppress my laughter. "Lagi n'yo na lang kaming

pinagchi-chismisan."

Meg chuckled. "Aba, Mari, kilos-kilos. Kung gusto mo pa si Leon, akitin mo na!
Patay na patay pa rin naman 'yon sa 'yo."

"Si Leon dapat ang lumapit kay Mari," saad ni Zoey. "Hindi na natuto 'yon. Ang
torpe pa rin."

"Zoey, sino bang hindi matotorpe kay Mari? Nakakatakot tumingin, eh. Parang
lalabanan ka lagi!" agad na sagot ni Meg.

Shaira laughed. "Korek! Mata palang, basted ka na agad! Hindi mo rin talaga
masisisi si Leon."

My laptop was just on my bedside table and the camera was pointed at me, but I
ignored my friends' banter . . . kahit pa kita nila ang ginagawa ko. Sumandal na
lang ako sa headboard ng kama at itinuon ang atensyon sa cellphone ko. Ka-text ko
rin kasi si Leon.

"Tingnan mo 'tong gagang 'to!"

I heard Zoey laugh. "Sawa na 'yan sa 'yo, Shai."

"Umay na sa topic. Puro tayo Leon, eh!" sabi pa ni Meg.

Hinayaan ko lang silang mag-usap doon. Ganoon yata talaga ka-bored si Shaira at
wala na siyang ibang ginawa kung hindi ang mangusisa sa estado namin ni Leon. Pikon
na pikon siya na hindi pa kami nagkakabalikan. May parte tuloy sa akin ang gustong
sabihin sa kanya na maayos na kami. Kaya lang, mas masarap siyang panoorin na ma-
stress sa amin.

From: Zamora

What do you want for dinner? Mag-grocery ako pagkatapos ng class ko.

To: Zamora

Hindi naman tayo magkikita ngayon, ah? You should rest. I'll just re-heat the food
I cooked earlier.

From: Zamora

D'yan ako magpapahinga. May ginagawa ka ba?

To: Zamora

Wala naman. Ayoko lang na mag-drive ka pa papunta rito. Puwede namang ipahinga mo
na lang 'yan sa treehouse. Magkikita rin naman tayo sa Tuesday.

From: Zamora

:(

Napatawa ako sa reply niya. I pinched my lower lip to keep it from protruding too
much.

"Kinikilig ka ba, queen?! Sino 'yan? Si Leon?!" narinig kong bulaslas ni Shaira.

Napatingin ako sa laptop ko, ang ngiti ay hindi naalis sa labi.

"Chismosa . . ." saad ko. "Babye na. Masyado na kayong maingay."

Namilog ang mga mata ni Zoey. "Si Leon 'yon?"

"Isa ka pa. Nahawa ka na kay Shai." Umirap ako.

"A-attend ka ba ng reunion, Mari?" untag ni Meg.

I shrugged. Hindi pa namin napag-uusapan ni Leon ang tungkol doon kahit na noong
isang linggo pa iyon ini-announce ng dating president ng department namin.

"Balitaan ko na lang kayo. Baka naman hindi marami ang dumalo d'yan. Busy na ang
mga ka-batch natin," saad ko.

"Huy, marami kaya! Active ang Psychology Society sa mga ganito! Talagang hindi ka
lang nakakapunta at ilang taon ka rin sa Italy!"

"Ah, basta. Bahala na. Wala naman akong masyadong ka-close sa department natin,"
pangangatuwiran ko. "D'yan na muna kayo."

"Teka lang! Si Leon ba 'yang ka-text mo?"

Pinandilatan ko si Shaira. "Tigilan mo 'ko! Bye!"

Isang beses pa akong nagpaalam sa kanila bago tuluyang ibinaba ang tawag. Dire-
diretso agad ang chat nila para mangusisa kung sino ang ka-text ko pero hindi ko na
sila pinansin. I turned off my laptop and lay down completely in bed so I could
focus on talking to Leon.

To: Zamora

We'll see each other soon. 'Wag mo 'kong artehan.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago hinigit ang kumot ko. Wala akong gagawin buong araw
dahil natapos ko na lahat ng kailangan kong tapusin kahapon.

From: Zamora

May hindi pala ako naintindihan sa lesson namin last meeting.

Kumunot ang noo ko. He was so random.

To: Zamora

And? As if naman magiging problema mo 'yan.

Isang minuto ang lumipas bago siya makapag-reply.

From: Zamora

Can I go there so I can ask you about it? Tapos mo naman na ang lesson na 'to. You
can explain it to me in more detail.

Napakurap ako sa nabasa. Sigurado akong dahilan niya lang 'yan! Eh, halos degree na
lang talaga ang kinukuha niya dahil basic na basic sa kanya ang mga itinuturo!

From: Zamora

Also, what dinner do you want?

I pursed my lips at the confirmation. Pakiramdam ko ay bumalik ako sa pagiging

teenager sa mga patutsada niya! Hindi pa rin talaga siya nagbabago ng istilo ng
panlalandi. Ginagamit niya ang lesson, ang mga libro, at ang mga interest ko para
makuha ang atensyon ko! And he was doing it well!

To: Zamora

You are so silly, Leon Ysmael.

From: Zamora

:)

From: Zamora

I love you.

My heart thumped in joy. Gusto ko rin namang kasama siya lagi. Ayoko lang talagang
nagpapagod siya para lang makita ako. Hindi ko rin naman para iwan ang pad ko dahil
gustong-gusto ko ang tumambay rito kapag wala akong masyadong ginagawa.

To: Zamora
Ako na ang magluluto ng dinner natin. Ingat ka sa pagmamaneho.

From: Zamora

Yes, ma'am.

To: Zamora

Okay, see you later, love.

Hindi na siya nag-reply kaya napasimangot na lang ako kahit pa wala naman nang
dapat isagot sa text ko.

Buong araw ay ang pagdating niya lang ang ni-look forward ko. I cleaned my whole
pad even though it was already spotless because I wanted him to get the rest he
needed. Namili na rin ako ng groceries para maipagluto siya ng chop suey at garlic
parmesan-flavored fried chicken. Nang matapos ang iniluluto ay nag-ayos na rin ako
ng sarili.

It was 7 in the evening when he arrived. Pagkabukas ko palang ng pinto ay

sinalubong niya ako ng maliit na ngiti habang hawak ang isang long-stemmed red rose
at may kakapalang libro mula sa paborito kong Filipino psychologist.

"Nakita ko sa prof ko," sabi niya pa. "Tinanong ko kung saan niya nabili kaya
dumaan muna ako sa bookstore na sinabi niya."

Nangingiting ngumuso ako. "Para sa 'kin?"

He chuckled. "Bawal hiramin?"

Pinapasok ko muna siya sa loob bago sinimangutan.

"Nasa bahay mo pa ang tatlong libro ko. Ang tagal mong magbasa." Bumaba ang tingin
ko sa bulaklak. "May pa-rose pa . . ."

Muli siyang humalakhak. He put the book and the flower on the table before walking
over to me.

"You're complaining about your three books when you have half of my collections,"
he muttered.

Napanguso ako. Syempre! Ang dami niyang libro na hindi ko pa nababasa! Kaya ayokong
tumatambay masyado sa treehouse niya, eh! Gusto kong kunin lahat 'yon at iuwi!
Mabuti nga at hinayaan niya akong hiramin ang annotated books niya.

Yumuko siya at mabilis na hinalikan ang labi ko.

"As for the rose, I just bought it because it reminded me of your lips."

Nag-init ang mukha ko. Aliw na aliw naman siya habang nakatingin sa akin.

"And what did you call me? Love?" panunudyo niya pa.

I glared at him. "Ang daldal mo."

He stood up straight, a gleam of happiness still showing in his eyes. Magaan ang
awra niya at parang hindi napagod sa maghapon gayong nagtrabaho siya kaninang umaga
at pumasok sa graduate school noong hapon.
"I wonder how I'll feel when I hear you say that to my face."

Pabirong umirap na lang ako sa kanya. Wala naman kasing nagbago sa relasyon namin.
He was still sweeter, clingier, and more expressive. Bago kami matulog ay hindi
siya nakakalimot magsabing mahal niya ako at tuwing maghihiwalay kami ay humihingi
siya ng halik. Kahit pa sumasagot o pumapayag naman ako lagi, hindi pa rin ako ang
madalas na mag-initiate ng lambing. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ako masanay-sanay.

I walked up to the book and flower so I could take them into my room. Inilagay ko
ang rosas sa flower vase sa gilid ng kama ko bago ipinatong ang libro sa tabi ng
picture frame kung saan nakalagay ang larawan namin ni Leon.

"I ironed your clothes kanina," saad ko sa kanya habang kumakain kami. "Bakit ang
unti? Iniuwi mo ba 'yong iba?"

He nodded as he watched me put more chop suey on his plate.

"Nilabhan ko lang. Ibabalik ko naman next week." Ngumiti siya nang matapos ako.
"Thank you."

Napansin kong paubos na ang cucumber juice sa pitsel kaya tumayo ako para kumuha
naman ng tubig.

"Iwan mo na lang dito next time. Ako na ang maglalaba," sabi ko sa kanya habang
inilalapag ang pitsel ng tubig. "'Wag mo na ring balaking magpa-laundry. Bukod sa
sayang ang pera, may instances na nagkakaroon ng damage ang mga damit. Marami naman
akong oras kapag umaga. Kakamayin ko ang t-shirts at mga polo mo. 'Yong mga denim
lang ang ilalagay ko sa washing machine."

Pinanood niya ako hanggang sa makaupo ako ulit sa tapat niya.

"Nagsisimula na rin pala akong maghanap ng university para kay Nathaniel. Kung
balak niyang magtuloy sa med school, kailangan niya ng matibay na backbone sa pre-
med niya. At saka, si Nash ang kumakausap sa buyers minsan, 'di ba? Ayaw mo bang
mag-focus na lang muna siya d'yan at isarado muna ang tindahan? Para hindi rin
pagod na pagod ang katawan niya," litanya ko. "Kung hindi naman kaya, mag-hire kayo
ng nakakatulong niya. Kapag nag-college si Nathaniel, mas magiging busy 'yon. Mas
hindi na siya makakatulong sa pagtitinda."

His eyes were focused on me as I talked.

"Aasikasuhin ko na rin ba ang insurance nila? Ano sa palagay mo?" tanong ko pa.
"Mas maaga kasing kumuha, mas maganda. Tapos hangga't wala pa silang stable na
source of income, tayong dalawa muna ang magbayad. Puwede namang magbayad online.
Hindi na natin kailangang pumila nang mahaba kapag nagkataon."

Napansin kong nakatingin lang siya sa akin at hindi na ginagalaw ang pagkain niya.
I sighed heavily, realizing that I was talking too much.

"Kumain ka pala muna . . ." maliit ang boses na sabi ko.

He bowed his head, smiling. Nag-init naman ang mukha ko roon. Baka sabihin niya ay
masyado ko silang pinapakialamanan.

"Keep going, please," he said.

I pursed my lips. "Ayoko. Pinagtatawanan mo ako."

Umiling siya bago nag-angat ng tingin sa akin.

"Hindi kita pinagtatawanan."

"You're smiling!" I insisted.

Muli siyang umiling.

"Masaya lang ako na naiisip mo ako at ang mga kapatid ko, Amari," pahayag niya.
"Masaya ako na mahal mo rin sila . . ."

Isang beses niyang hinaplos ang kamay ko na nakapatong sa ibabaw ng mesa bago
nagpatuloy sa pagkain. Nahihiyang ibinaba ko naman ang tingin sa pinggan ko at
napansing hindi pa rin nangangalahati ang kanin ko. I was really talking too much.

Nag-volunteer siyang maghugas ng pinagkainan namin dahil ako na raw ang nagluto.
Gusto ko nga sanang makipagtalo lalo at wala akong ibang hiling kung hindi ang
makapagpahinga siya kapag nasa pad ko. Kapag kasi ako ang nasa treehouse niya ay
mata lang talaga ang gumagalaw sa akin. Kung hindi pa ako magpupumilit ay hindi
niya ako papayagang kumilos sa bahay. Kaya lang, ayoko namang pagalitan siya sa
maliit na bagay. Mas hindi siya makakapagpahinga kapag inaway ko pa siya.

"Ihahanda ko na lang ang panligo mo," anunsiyo ko.

Narinig ko ang malalim ngunit marahang pagtawa niya. "Kulit. Ayaw maupo na lang."

Hindi ko siya pinakinggan. I prepared his towel and clothes. I even set up the
heater.

"Bathtub?!" sigaw ko mula sa banyo.

"Hindi po. Shower lang."

Napanguso ako. Mas masarap kayang magbabad sa tubig kapag pagod.

"Magbabasa ka ba ng buhok?! Ihahanda ko na rin ang blower para makahiga ka agad?"

tanong ko ulit.

Narinig ko ang ingay sa pinto ng banyo kaya napalingon ako roon. He was already
standing there, watching me arrange all the things he would use.

"Cleanser, toner, moisturizer . . ." I enumerated as I returned my gaze to the

sink. "Gusto mong mag-facial mask? May nabili ako kanina no'ng nag-grocery ako."

Humilig siya sa hamba ng pinto at pinakatitigan ako. Amusement was all over his
face. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay may mali na naman akong nagawa.

"OA ako?" I asked. "Sorry. Gusto ko lang talagang makapagpahinga ka. Wala ka kasing
tigil simula kaninang umaga . . ."

My heart hammered when he approached me. Sa harap ng salamin ay pinanood ko kung

paano siya pumunta sa likuran ko at niyakap ako mula roon.

"Sarap mong uwian," bulong niya.

Nakita ko ang pamumula ng pisngi ko sa repleksyon ko sa salamin.

"Ang ganda mo pa."

"Leon!" reklamo ko nang lalo akong mamula.

He chuckled. "Labas ka na. Maliligo na muna ako saglit."

"Sure? Wala ka nang kailangan?"

Huminga siya nang malalim bago ako pinakawalan. Nakita ko ang pagdaan ng ngisi sa
mukha niya kaya alam kong may naiisip na naman siyang hindi maganda.

Inis ko siyang inirapan bago nagmartsa palabas ng banyo. Narinig ko naman ang
paghalakhak niya kaya lalo akong napikon. He wasn't taking me seriously! Ang landi-
landi!

Pumasok ako sa kwarto at sumandal sa headboard ng kama para simulang basahin ang
librong dinala niya. I scanned a few paragraphs and I knew it would be a good read.
Kung nga hindi lang ako pagagalitan ni Leon ay baka basahin ko pa iyon hanggang
mamaya. Nagkasundo kasi kami na ang oras ng pagbabasa ay tuwing umaga hanggang
hapon lang.

I was contemplating whether I'd continue reading or not when my cellphone beeped.
Sinilip ko naman iyon at agad ang pagtaas ng dalawang sulok ng labi ko nang
makitang si Karsen 'yon.

From: Karsen

Hello, ninang ganda. May gagawin ka ba ngayong gabi?

Hindi ko pinansin ang tanong niya. I closed the book and put it back on the bedside
table.

To: Karsen

Where's my Gayle?

From: Karsen

Yehey. Wala kang gagawin?

Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. Yehey?

To: Karsen

Wala. Nasa pad lang ako. Bakit ba?

To: Karsen

And show me Gayle.

I was expecting she'd send me a picture, so I was kind of surprised when she
requested a video call. Walang pagdadalawang-isip ko namang sinagot ang tawag at
hindi ko naman pinagsisihan iyon dahil ang bilugang mukha ni Gayle ang bumungad sa
akin.

"Hi, big girl!" I greeted her. "Did you miss me?"

"Sagot, baby. Si ninang Mari 'yan . . ." bulong ni Karsen sa bata na nakatitig lang
sa camera, para bang minumukhaan pa ako.

"Nangnang?" tanong niya sa ina.

Karsen chuckled. "Oo, ah?"

"Gayle, bakit hindi mo 'ko tanda?" kunwaring pagtatampo ko. "Ang ganda-ganda ng mga
braid ko sa 'yo."

"Anong hindi tanda? Hinahanap nga kayo lagi nito!" natatawang sabi ni Karsen.
"Hindi ka lang yata nakilala at nakasalamin ka."

I instantly removed my eyeglasses.

"Gayle?" I tested.

Lumiwanag ang mukha niya at bahagyang bumuka pa ang bibig sa pagngiti nang malapad.

"Nangnang!" she squealed.

I chuckled at her cuteness. "Big girl na ang baby namin . . . saan ang punta mo at
bihis na bihis ka?"

Ibinalik ko muna ang salamin ko bago muling ibinalik ang atensyon kay Gayle.

She looked at her mother, her tongue sticking out a bit. Nakita ko namang marahang
ipinasok iyon ni Karsen pabalik sa loob ng bibig niya kaya muling napangiti ang
bata. Hindi ko naman maiwasang hindi maalala sa kanya ang batang Karsen dahil
habang lumalaki ay mas nagiging kahawig niya ito. Even the way she dressed was the
same as her mom's.

"May event ang YN Organization bukas ng madaling araw. Isasama ko sana si Gayle
dahil may buddy walk din naman . . ." It was a walk to establish relationships,
inclusion, and compassion for people with Down syndrome. "Kaya lang, na-extend
hanggang hapon 'yong convention. Ayoko namang isama 'to ro'n kasi tatamarin lang at
magliligalig."

Tumango ako. "Oo nga. Ano'ng sabi ni Kobe?"

"Isama na raw namin at maghi-hire na lang muna ng taga-bantay. Mag-s-speak kasi

kami ro'n." She pouted. "Eh, alam mo namang ayokong ipaalaga sa iba si Gayle, 'di
ba? As much as possible, gusto ko ay kami lang ni Kobe ang hands-on sa kanya. No'ng
unang beses na kumuha kami ng taga-bantay kasi wala kaming choice, nagsumbong lang
si Gayle na inaway raw siya . . ."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Did you file a complaint?"

"Oo naman," aniya. "Ayun . . . suspended yata. Hindi ko alam."

I sighed heavily. "Stop beating around the bush. You want me to look after her
muna?"

She smiled awkwardly as she nodded.

"Ngayong gabi na sana. Maaga kasi ang alis namin ni Kobe bukas. Ayoko namang
abalahin ka ng madaling araw." Muli niyang itinapat kay Gayle ang camera na ngayon
ay bitbit na ang maliit na kulay rosas na backpack niya. "Actually, kanina pa kami
ready. Hinihintay na lang namin na pumayag ka."

Papayag na sana ako nang pumasok si Leon sa kwarto namin. The sweatpants were
firmly clinging to his torso, and he was freaking topless! Tinutuyo niya ang buhok
gamit ang tuwalya at bahagya pang nakaawang ang namumulang labi.
Goodness! I had always known that he was well-built, but seeing his body without a
shirt on was always a surprise to me!

"Mari?"

I cleared my throat before putting my attention back on Karsen.

"Yeah, sure. Ihahatid n'yo ba rito o ako na ang susundo d'yan?"

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "May kasama ka?"

"Oo . . ." Dahan-dahan akong tumango. I couldn't lie to her!

"Sino?"

I pinched my lower lip, feeling a bit embarrassed. Mag-iisip 'yon panigurado kung
bakit magkasama kami nang ganitong oras!

"Si Leon," mahinang sagot ko. "Pero . . . puwede naman siyang matulog sa sofa bed
ko sa sala! Or sa guest room ko . . . lalagyan ko lang ng bedsheet 'yong kama! Kami
pa rin ni Gayle ang magtatabi kapag nagkataon!"

Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata. "At kung hindi ko dadalhin d'yan ang anak ko? Saan
siya matutulog?"

Gumalaw ang kama at mula sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay nakita kong nakaupo na roon si
Leon. Wala pa rin siyang suot na pang-itaas.

"K-Kahit saan, Karsen . . ." I bit my lower lip.

"Nagkabalikan ba kayo?"

Sinamaan ko ng tingin ang kaibigan. "Dalhin mo na lang dito si Gayle! Bakit ba ang
dami mong tanong?!"

Her lips parted a bit. "Nagkabalikan nga kayo?"

My cheeks heated up when I felt Leon's eyes on me.

"Malamang . . ." I admitted. "Patutulugin ko ba rito kung hindi?"

Kitang-kita ko kung paanong namilog ang mga mata ni Karsen. Ibinuka niya ang bibig
na parang may gusto siyang sabihin ngunit wala namang salitang lumabas doon.

"Isusumbong kita kay Ate Kat," pananakot niya.

Napairap ako. "I'm not 16."

"Kahit na! Hindi ka nagsasabing nagkabalikan na kayo! Wala na ba kami sa buhay mo,
ha, Amari Sloane?!"

Mahaba-habang paliwanagan pa bago ko siya napakalma. Even Leon talked to her,

apologizing for not saying anything. Nagkakilala naman na sila noong na-ospital
ako. Ngayon lang talaga sila nagkaroon ng tyansa na makapag-usap ng tungkol sa
akin.

"Bilisan mo na. Mahaba-haba ang byahe papunta rito. Dalhin mo na si Gayle . . ."
were my last words before dropping the call.
Naramdaman ko agad ang paglapit sa akin ang tuluyang paglapit ni Leon.

"Dito matutulog si Hikari?" tanong niya.

"Yup," I replied. "Kaya magdamit ka na. Nakakahiya na nga kay Karsen at

paniguradong nahalata no'n na wala kang pang-itaas!"

He laughed. "Bakit nakakahiya?"

"Ikaw, papayag ka bang maka-video call ko si Thaddeus na wala akong suot kahit bra
manlang?"

Bahagya siyang napasimangot. Hindi na siya sumagot at dinampot na lang ang puting
t-shirt na katabi bago iyon isinuot. He then went to our dresser, sprayed perfume
on himself, and put lotion on his arms.

"What are you doing?"

Tumikhim siya. "Pupunta si Hikari. "I don't want her to think her nongnong stinks."

"Nongnong?"

"Nangnang ka raw niya, eh . . ."

Hindi ko maiwasang mapangisi. "You want to impress the kid?"

"Hindi, Amari," masungit na sagot niya. "Ayoko lang na ayawan niya ako para sa
'yo."

"You'll impress her nga." I chuckled.

"Hindi nga," giit niya.

Umiling ako, natatawa pa rin. "And since when did you become her nongnong? Wala ka
naman no'ng bininyagan siya."

Tuluyang nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Are you teasing me?"

"Are you teased?"

He walked over to the bed and lay down next to me. Napatili ako nang higitin niya
rin ako pahiga para ikulong sa braso niya.

"Leon!" I yelled when he started showering kisses all over my face. "Baka mabasag
ang salamin natin!"

Walang pag-aatubiling tinanggal niya naman ang mga iyon at mabilis na ipinatong sa
bedside table. He then went back to me and buried his face on my neck, breathing
lightly against my skin. Ang braso niya ay pumaikot sa baywang ko at hinigit pa ako
lalo palapit sa kanya.

Wala naman siyang ibang sinabi kaya nanahimik na lang din ako. He just cuddled me,
planting soft kisses on my neck and jaw from time to time.

At that very moment, I didn't know what had gotten into me, but I started praying
that we would stay this way. Araw-araw kasi naming ipinararamdam na mahal namin ang
isa't isa. We missed each other so much that just a few days apart felt like a
lifetime. I knew we'd have disagreements and days when neither of us felt like
ourselves, but I hoped that we could still find a way to work things out.
"I miss you," he whispered.

"You're hugging me, Leon . . ."

"I don't know." His chest heaved. "Even though you're right here in front of me, I
still miss you."

Warmth filled my heart. Sumiksik pa ako lalo sa kanya para maramdaman niya ang
pagsang-ayon ko sa sinabi niya.

"I'd give anything to have my days end like this . . ."

I smiled. "Me, too."

We continued cuddling and talking about random things while we waited for Gayle. He
told me about his day, and all I did was listen and ask a few questions.
Napagkasunduan din naming dumalo sa grand reunion para makumusta na rin ang ilang
instructor. Sinabihan din daw kasi siya ni Ms. Lubrica na magpunta.

Bumangon lang kami nang marinig na naming tumunog ang doorbell. I peeped to check
who was outside and was delighted to see the whole Gallardo family. Buhat ni Kobe
si Gayle habang nakatayo naman sa gilid niya si Karsen na bitbit ang mga gamit ng
anak. They were even wearing face masks.

Pinagbuksan namin sila ni Leon at kitang-kita ko kung paanong lumipad agad ang
tingin ng kaibigan ko sa lalaki.

"Nangnang!"

Nagpumiglas si Gayle kaya walang nagawa si Kobe para ibaba siya. She then rushed to
me and gave me a hug. Lumalaki na talaga siya. Bago ako tumulak papuntang Italy
dati ay ni hindi pa siya marunong maglakad.

"Thank you," Kobe said in a formal tone.

Tumango ako. "Just inform me an hour before you pick her up."

Lumipat ang tingin ko sa katabi niya na ngayon ay ibinaba na ang suot na mask.

"Mag-uusap pa tayo nina Ate Kat at Mill, Mari . . ." nakangusong sabi ni Karsen.
"At pakiingatan ang anak ko. 'Wag mong gagawing maldita kagaya mo."

Kobe and Leon chuckled. Sinamaan ko naman ng tingin ang huli dahil nakitawa pa
siya.

"Ikaw na nga ang humingi ng pabor, ikaw pa ang matapang . . ." I muttered. "Sige
na. Umalis na kayo. Maaga pa ang alis n'yo bukas."

Hindi na rin naman sila nagtagal. Nakaakbay si Kobe sa asawa at pinanood ko lang
sila hanggang sa mawala sila sa paningin ko.

"Nangnang . . ."

I looked over at Gayle, who was hiding behind me. Her eyes were locked on Leon, and
she seemed . . . scared of him.

Napatawa ako.
I stooped a bit to meet her eyes. "Boyfriend 'yan ni ninang . . . si ninong Leon."

I was taken aback when she shook her head. Ang isang kamay ay kumapit sa damit ko
at ang isa ay sa braso ko.

"Akin nangnang!" sigaw niya kay Leon.

Magsasalita na sana ako nang ikulong ni Gayle ang mukha ko sa maliliit niyang
kamay.

"Nangnang . . . 'wag." Umiling siya. "Tayo po play . . . pahilam ko sa 'yo peybolit

ko na doll."

Hindi ko maiwasang matawa sa asta niya. I carried her in my arms despite her weight
and let her nuzzle my chest.

"Love ka pa rin naman ni ninang kahit na may boyfriend ako," I told her. "Ayaw mo
ba no'n? May isa pa tayong kasama mag-play."

"Akin po nangnang, ih . . ." she whispered.

Tumingin ako kay Leon na ngayon ay tulala lang sa bata, parang hindi alam ang dapat
sabihin.

"Kay Gayle daw ako," natatawang sabi ko.

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. "Sure . . ."

"Baby, sure daw," sabi ko naman kay Gayle.

She lifted her head and looked at Leon.

"Pamis?" maliit ang boses na tanong niya.

"Yes, Hikari."

Muntik na akong mapatawa sa kung gaano kapormal si Leon pero pinigilan ko ang
sarili ko. God, he was so stiff!

Dahil malalim na rin ang gabi ay sinabihan ko ang bata na bukas ng umaga na kami
maglalaro. Mabuti nga at wala akong masyadong gagawin. I could fit in some playtime
with her while still getting my work done.

Magkatabi kami sa kwarto kong natulog. Si Leon naman ay nagboluntaryong sa sofa bed
na lang siya para hindi na ako mag-abalang ayusin pa ang guest room. I just put
Gayle to sleep and gave Leon one last kiss before going to bed myself.

Tanda kong ayaw ni Gayle kay Leon bago kami matulog kaya ganoon na lang ang gulat
ko nang makita silang magkasama pagkagising ko. Nakatirintas na ang buhok ng bata
habang nakadapa ito sa carpeted floor at nagkukulay ng coloring book na hindi ko
alam kung saang lupalop ng mundo niya nakuha. Si Leon naman ay nagmistulang
personal assistant niya dahil naging taga-abot ang lalaki ng color na hinihingi
niya.

"Bulu po," sabi ni Gayle at agad namang ibinigay ni Leon ang blue rito.

They were so engrossed in their tiny little time alone that they didn't notice I
was already watching them from the door of my room.
"Led po . . ."

Sinilip ni Leon ang kinukulayan ng bata bago inabot ang pangkulay na pula rito.

"Kamukha nangnang po 'yong peybolit ko na doll," Gayle said.

"Really? Nasaan?"

"Bag po."

Kinuha ni Leon ang maliit na backpack ni Gayle.

"Puwedeng buksan?" he asked.

Isang beses lang na tumango ang bata. He took that as a cue to open the bag and
take out the curly-haired doll. Kitang-kita ko ang aliw sa mata niya habang
tinitingnan ang manika.

"Hindi na ganito ang buhok ng ninang mo, Hikari . . ." sabi pa niya. "But, I agree.
They have the same lips," dagdag niya na parang sa sarili niya lang iyon sinabi.

"Danda nangnang po, 'no?"

Humilig ako sa pintuan at pinagpatuloy ang panonood sa kanila. I couldn't figure

out how Leon was so easy to win over my goddaughter's heart after being so stiff
and awkward to her last night!

"Oo naman . . ." malambing na sagot ni Leon.

Umupo si Gayle at tiningnan ang lalaki.

"Yab mo po nangnang ko?"

Ngumiti si Leon at hinaplos ang ulo nito.

"Opo." Pumungay ang mga mata niya. "Mahal na mahal po."

Hindi na ako nakapagpigil na lapitan sila. Leon's gaze darted to me in an instant,

slightly taken aback by my presence. May kakaibang ningning doon na para bang
magandang-maganda ang umaga niya.

Tumayo siya at naglakad palapit sa 'kin. He gave me a smile and a kiss on the side
of my head.

Hindi pa man siya nakakapagsalita ay naramdaman na namin ang pagsingit ni Gayle sa

gitna namin na parang pinaghihiwalay kami. Napatawa naman si Leon bago walang
kahirap-hirap na binuhat ang bata.

"She's possessive of you," he told me.

I just chuckled in response. Paano ay hawak na ni Gayle ang mukha ko at pinapatakan

na ako ng halik sa ilong.

"Pishtail po ako nongnong!" pagyayabang niya pa.

"Nongnong?"

She nodded. "Bili niya po ako cololing book, nangnang! Luto din po ng bekpast.
Hindi pa po kami kumakain kasi po wait ka po namin . . ."
Gayle did all the talking that morning. Kahit medyo bulol pa siya ay kita ko ang
seryosong pakikinig sa kanya ni Leon na para bang kasamahan niya sa trabaho ang
kausap niya. Pagkapaligo ay nagpatuloy pa sila sa paglalaro. Hindi na rin nakaalis
si Leon para i-check ang plantation dahil ayaw siyang paalisin ni Gayle.

I realized that day how good of a father Leon would be. Every time Gayle would
throw a tantrum, he would tell her exactly what she did wrong and how to do it
correctly the next time. Pagkatapos noon ay tatango lang ang bata at tatahan,
marahil ay napagtatantong mali nga ang ginagawa niya.

I was reminded of his dream of becoming a family or developmental psychologist.

Bagay na bagay iyon sa kanya. He worked well with people of all ages.

"Can we tell her parents she'll be staying here for another day?" tanong niya sa
akin habang pinapanood namin ang natutulog na bata. Napagod yata kalalaro maghapon.

I chuckled. "Ang lambing niya, 'no?"

"Yeah . . ." There was a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Does she have ASD?"

Tumango ako. "Mabuti at maagang na-diagnose. Maaga ring naha-handle."

He put his arm around my shoulder and planted a kiss on the side of my lips.

"Tara na. Let her sleep."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Anong tara? Saan tayo pupunta?"

"Anywhere but here."

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.

Tumawa lang siya. "Come on. I can't kiss you here."

I didn't say anything. He just led me out of the room, and while Gayle was sound
asleep, we talked about building our own family soon . . . and almost did the first
part of it.

"We can't go on," he panted as we stopped making out.

I just giggled. Goodness, I really fell in love with a traditional man.

Chapter 49 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Chapter 49

Hindi na ako nagulat nang sandamakmak na messages ang natanggap ko kina Mill at Kat
noong sumunod na linggo. Karsen obviously spilled the beans and told them Leon and
I were seeing each other again! Hinding-hindi ko maiintindihan ang pang-uusisa nila
gayong masikreto rin naman sila sa mga relasyon nila! Lalo si Mill!

"Wala kang balak sabihin sa 'min?" tanong ni Mill sa akin, magkasalubong ang kilay
at halos nanlilisik ang mga mata.
Nakatambay sila ngayon ni Karsen sa pad ko kasama si Gayle na nagkukulay lang sa
isang tabi. Ang laptop ko ay nakapatong sa center table kung saan ka-video call
namin si Kat na mukhang nagulat din sa nalaman.

I looked at Karsen and saw that she had a proud look on her face. Parang
ipinagyayabang na nagsumbong siya!

"Meron, syempre. Hindi naman namin itinatago, eh."

"Sinabi mo na kina Shaira, 'no? Nauna nilang malaman, 'no?" untag ni Mill.
"Kaibigan mo ba kami, ha? Kami 'yong kasama mo simula no'ng bata ka pa, Amari.
Sabay tayong niregla! Ako ang sumusuntok sa mga umaaway sa 'yo! Sa akin ka pa unang
nag-practice ng make-up mo!" panunumbat niya.

Narinig ko ang pagtawa nina Kat at Karsen kaya napasimangot ako.

"Napakaarte mo!" bulyaw ko kay Mill. "Wala pa akong pinagsasabihan! Gusto ko lang
naman ng alone time muna kasama ang boyfriend ko! Eh, gano'n ka rin naman! Kung
hindi pa nagkanda-letche letche, hindi namin malalaman na nililigawan ka ulit ng ex
mo!"

She frowned. "Hindi siya nanliligaw sa 'kin at hindi ko siya ex! Saan mo nasimot
'yan?!"

"Eh, ba't magkasama kayo?" Pinandilatan ko siya.

"Trabaho ko siya, eh. Tanga ka?"

"Mill, ang bibig mo. May bata kayong kasama d'yan . . ." suway ni Kat.

Mill and I were in a staring contest. Both of us were mad at each other . . . for
no reason at all. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung paano kami naging magkaibigan gayong
salungat na salungat ang ugali namin.

"Ang iisip-bata . . ." bulong ni Karsen na pareho naman naming narinig.

"'Yang si Millicent ang pagsabihan n'yo. Sinampal nga n'yan si Leon!"

"Mill?" tanong ni Kat.

Tumango ako. "Oo, Kat!"

"Aba, edi 'wag kang iiyak-iyak sa 'kin kapag sinaktan ka ulit n'yan!" depensa niya
sa sarili.

I glared at her. "Bakit ba galit na galit ka kay Leon?"

"Hindi ako galit kay Leon. Mas gusto ko nga 'yan kaysa kay Kobe."

"Hoy!" agad na reklamo ni Karsen. "Bakit n'yo idinadamay ang asawa ko?!"

"Didi?" sabi pa ni Gayle.

Hindi sila pinansin ni Mill. Ang mata niya ay nanatiling nakatutok sa akin.

"Naiinis ako kasi hindi ka na naman nagsasabi sa 'min. Tingnan mo no'ng college,
imbes na sama-sama tayong namroblema, sinarili mo lang."

"Ikaw rin naman . . ." pagdadahilan ko. "Hindi naman lahat sinasabi mo, ah?"
"Kasi kaya ko pa."

"Eh, kaya ko rin!"

"Wala talagang magpapatalo sa inyo?" striktang suway ni Kat sa amin.

I sulked as I leaned against the couch. Ganoon din naman ang ginawa ni Mill.

"Mill, sinabi naman na ni Mari na wala siyang balak isikreto 'yon, 'di ba? Saka,
labas naman tayo sa relasyon nila. There isn't much we can do if they like to keep
it private for the time being. Hindi ka ba masaya na masaya ang kaibigan mo?"

I lifted my chin. Right! Her blabbing was really unnecessary! Para namang end of
the world na kung masumbatan ako sa hindi agad pagsasabi sa kanila!

"Ikaw naman, Mari . . ."

Agad akong napatingin sa screen ng laptop. May mali ako?

"Walang mali sa pakikipagbalikan mo kay Leon kasi totoo namang mahal ka no'ng tao.
Nakita naming lahat 'yon," paninimula niya. "Pero kailangan mo ring intindihin si
Mill. Nagtatampo 'yan kasi kayo ang magkakasama d'yan pero hindi ka nakakapagsabi
kapag may nangyayari sa buhay mo. Worried lang din 'yan sa 'yo. Alam mo namang ayaw
niyang nasasaktan ka, 'di ba?"

Bumaling ako kay Mill na ngayon ay may maliit nang ngisi sa labi.

"Ayaw sila, mimi?" rinig kong tanong ni Gayle kay Karsen pero hindi ko inalis ang
tingin kay Mill.

"Away, Gayle. Say it. A . . . way," pagtatama ni Karsen.

"A . . . yaw."

Nagbuntong-hininga ako at napanguso na lang. Lahat naman kami ay . . . masikreto.

Marahil ay nakatanim na sa amin iyon noon pa man. We all grew up in the same
shelter, and although we could have talked about our problems, sometimes . . . we
chose not to.

Kahit si Karsen na pinakabibo at masiyahin sa amin ay itinago ang pinagdaanan niya

sa pamilya ni Kobe, at hanggang ngayon, hindi niya pa rin detelyadong ikinukwento
sa amin ang tungkol doon. Alam kong ganoon din sina Kat at Mill. May mga laban
silang sinasarili at problemang dinadala nang mag-isa. It was something that
everyone who didn't grow up depending on others had in common.

Or . . . maybe all humans have inner struggles that they don't share with anyone,
not even their closest friends. Maaaring dahil ayaw natin silang abalahin o iniisip
natin na hindi ito ganoon kahalaga. Maaari ding may pinoprotektahan tayong tao na
ayaw nating masira sa kanila o natatakot tayong ipayo nila ang taliwas sa gusto
nating mangyari.

But among the four of us, Kat said that I was the most discreet and the hardest to
read. Kasi kahit achievements, itinatago ko raw. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay mali ang
naging propesyon ko. I mean, I was a psychologist and a counselor. I talked to
people about their problems and how important it was to share them with someone
they trusted . . . pero madalas ay hindi ko rin ginagawa.

"Marami tayong hindi sinasabi sa isa't isa. Ako, aaminin ko, may mga pinagdadaanan
akong hindi ko naikukwento sa inyo dahil kaya ko namang dalhin," saad pa ni Kat.
"Alam kong ganoon din kayo. Ang importante naman, alam dapat natin kung kailan tayo
hihingi ng tulong o kailan tayo magsasabi."

"Tama . . ." maliit ang boses na sabi ni Karsen.

"Tama," panggagaya ni Gayle sa kanya.

"Fine, may mga sinisikreto rin ako, okay?" nakangusong saad ni Mill bago ako
nilingon. "Pero sana naman, sa susunod, i-share mo sa 'min kahit 'yong happy
moments mo. Mas gusto mo siguro 'yong mga kaibigan mo no'ng college, 'no?"

Binatukan ko siya. Napakaselosa!

"Ang arte mo! Pare-parehas ko naman kayong kaibigan!"

"Kahit na. Lamang dapat kami."

"Grade 2 ka ba?"

She chuckled sarcastically. "Bakit hindi mo masagot? Totoong mas gusto mo sila
kaysa sa 'min? Sige . . . sino'ng sumusundo sa 'yo dati kapag ginagabi ka? Sino'ng
naglalaba ng mga damit mo kapag pagod ka sa trabaho? Sino'ng nakikipagsuntukan sa
mga kaklase mo noon kapag may tumatawag sa 'yong maarte?"

Napairap ako. "Gusto mo talaga 'yan? Okay!" I sat up straight. "Sino'ng nagre-
review ng articles mo noon para i-check ang syntax kasi hindi ka pa confident mag-
english? Sino'ng kinokopyahan mo no'ng high school kaya ka naka-graduate? Sino'ng
gumagawa ng papers mo noon kapag absent ka kasi napaaway ka na naman?"

"Babye na. Marami pa akong gagawin. Wala akong oras para pakinggan ang pagtatalo
n'yo," sabi ni Kat. "Ang tatanda n'yo na para sa gan'yan."

"Si Mill!"

"Ako?! Ikaw!"

"Isip bata ka!" bulyaw ko pa.

"Edi ikaw na ang mature! Ano'ng gusto mo? Medal?"

"Gusto ko? Ang manahimik ka!"

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na nagtalo. Kahit nang magkulong na sina
Gayle at Karsen sa kwarto ko ay nag-aasaran pa rin kami. Akala mo naman ay hindi
siya nagmakaawang manatili ako rito sa Pilipinas dahil ayaw niyang mag-isa! Akala
mo ay hindi niya ako iniyakan!

"Tara kain," yaya niya sa akin na parang walang nangyari.

"Okay," sagot ko naman.

Namalengke muna kami ng ingredients para sa iluluto namin sa pad. We didn't bother
inviting Gayle and Karsen because they were resting in my room. Nang makapagluto ay
saka lang namin sila tinawag.

"Nasaan si Leon ngayon?" tanong ni Karsen.

"Trabaho."
Tumango-tango siya. "Dadalaw ka sa ospital ngayon, 'di ba? Sumabay ka na sa 'min.
Susunduin kami ni Kuya Enzo," tukoy niya sa driver nila.

I just nodded. Pupuntahan ko si Psyche ngayon dahil matagal-tagal na rin noong huli
akong nakabisita sa kanya. I was wondering how she was doing. Hindi pa rin siya
nagigising at tuwing lumilipas ang araw ay mas lalong bumababa ang tyansa na
magkamalay pa siya.

"Gagabihin ka sa ospital? Sino'ng kasama mo pabalik dito?" Mill asked.

"Sa bahay ni Leon ako matutulog."

Ngumisi siya. "Virgin pa rin? Hindi ako naniniwala."

"Seryoso?" usisa ni Karsen.

I rolled my eyes in response. Hindi ko kasalanang masyadong maginoo si Leon!

"Kapag daw ikinasal na lang kami . . ." sagot ko.

"Sus!" tawa ni Mill. "Parang hindi ka naman gan'yan!"

"'Yon ang gusto ni Leon, Millicent," giit ko.

Mas lalo siyang tumawa. "So, ayaw mo?"

I just scoffed, sending her into another fit of laughter. Kita ko rin ang ngisi ni
Karsen na para bang malaking kahibangan ang hindi namin pagse-sex ni Leon!

I mean . . . ano'ng masama ro'n?! Kahit pa matagal kaming tumira sa iisang bahay at
nagtabi sa iisang kama, hindi naman kakulangan ang hindi pagtatalik sa relasyon
namin! Of course, I mean, there were days when I wished he wasn't such a gentleman,
but every time I thought about it, I fell in love with him even more because I knew
that my body wasn't the only thing he wanted!

"Nirerespeto ka raw?" pang-aasar ni Mill. "Hindi kaya hindi ka lang maganda?"

Pinanlisikan ko siya ng mata. "Alam mo, kung wala lang si Gayle sa harap natin,
babaon 'tong tinidor ko d'yan sa leeg mo."

Tumawa siya. "Kaya pala madalas kang badtrip. Wala palang nagpapasaya sa 'yo kapag
gabi."

"Masaya ako kahit walang nangyayari sa 'min!"

"And all the lies you tell yourself . . ."

Alam kong inaasar niya lang ako, pero hindi ko alam kung bakit nanggagalaiti ako sa
galit.

"Hindi 'yon ang habol sa 'kin ni Leon," pamimilit ko.

"Sure. Gentleman, eh." She had that smug grin on her face I wanted to wipe off.
"Pero kung ako 'yon, magdududa na 'ko. Baka sa iba ginagawa, eh . . ."

"Millicent Rae!" I yelled.

Lalo siyang tumawa. "Joke lang! Inaasar lang, eh. Masyadong pikon."
"Kanina mo pa 'ko binubwisit, ha!"

"That's my golden goal, Amari Sloane."

"Galing ni Leon. To think na ang tagal n'yo na rin . . ." singit ni Karsen.
"Gan'yan din si Kobe."

My brows furrowed. "Ano'ng sinasabi mo? Ayan at kumakain sa tabi mo ang pruweba na
hindi ganoon ang asawa mo."

"Pero hindi halata kay Leon na gano'n siya. Mukhang agresibo, eh."

Mariin kong kinurot si Mill sa tagiliran kaya napaigik siya.

"Proud na proud kang may experience ka. Hindi ka naman pinili!"

That was the most chaotic lunch I've had in ages. Even though I knew my friends
were just making fun of me, the thought that Leon wouldn't want to have sex with me
rang in my head like a bell the whole time. Laging siya ang nagsasabi kung kailan
kami titigil . . . o kapag masyado na kaming nagiging . . . marubdob. Alam ko
namang kinokontrol niya lang ang sarili niya kaya ngayon ay hindi ko maintindihan
kung bakit naiinis ako.

Isinantabi ko ang nararamdaman nang makarating ako sa ospital. I walked directly to

Psyche's room and found her still laying on her bed, eyes closed and clueless as to
what was going on around her.

It had been months since she fell into a coma, and up until now, she was still
unresponsive. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang hindi maisip kung ano ba ang panaginip niya
na hindi na niya magawang gumising.

Mr. Alvarado told me that she once raised a finger when he asked if she could hear
him. Akala namin noon ay tuloy-tuloy na ang paggaling niya at nalalapit na ang
tuluyang paggising.

However, days turned into weeks, and she never woke up.

"Hey."

I put my hand on hers as I sat on the chair next to her bed.

"You're resting too much." I cracked a smile. "Hindi ba nananakit ang likod mo?"

There was no response from her . . . as expected. Hindi ko alam kung gaano pa siya
katagal na ganito. Pero kahit gaano kaliit ang tyansa ay aasa akong magigising ulit
siya. She was a strong woman who endured a lot of painful things in her life. Hindi
ito ang tatalo sa kanya.

"You need to wake up, Psyche. Hindi puwedeng hindi maganda ang mga alaalang
babaunin mo . . ." bulong ko. "We're gonna fight for you, okay? I'll be waiting. Be
strong."

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong nanatili roon. Alam ko lang na matagal dahil
nagulat pa si Mr. Alvarado na naabutan niya ako roon.

I just smiled at him. Hindi ko rin kasi namalayan ang oras. I just told Psyche
everything that was going on with me. I told her that Leon and I had gotten back
together and that I was studying for my doctorate. I also told her that her father
was holding out for her. I talked to her as if she would respond at any moment.

Nang mapagsawa ang sarili sa pagkukwento sa nakaratay na kaibigan ay saka lang ako
nag-text kay Leon na papunta na ako sa treehouse niya. Isang beses pa akong
nagpaalam kay Psyche at sa tatay niya bago tuluyang umalis ng ospital.

Wala si Leon sa treehouse nang makarating ako, pero dahil sinabi niyang ang
birthday ko ang passcode niya ay nakapasok naman ako. Agad akong nagluto ng hapunan
para handa na ang lahat pagdating niya. Nagsalin na rin ako noon sa food container
para maibigay sa kambal. Siguradong pagod ang dalawa. Mas mabuting huwag na silang
magluto.

"Where are you?" I asked Leon over a phone call. Nandito na kasi dapat siya nang
ganitong oras lalo at alam naman niyang darating ako.

"On my way," he replied. "May inasikaso lang."

"Okay." I put the food containers in a paper bag. "Pupunta muna ako sa kambal."

"Why?"

"Naparami ang luto ko ng dinner," pagpapalusot ko.

"Really?" I could hear him crack a smile.

I pursed my lips. Ayokong isipin niya na . . . malapit nga sa loob ko ang mga
kapatid niya. I mean, I hated them before! Napakatatamad at lahat ng bagay ay
iniasa na sa kanya at kay Tita Leah! Mabuti nga at natuto na siyang hindi sila i-
pamper nang sobra. They wouldn't learn if they were cradled all the time.

"Nand'yan na kaya sila? I can't reach Nathaniel so I'm thinking they're home. Wala
lang signal."

"Oo, nasa bahay na 'yong mga 'yon. Nash texted me earlier that they had already
closed the store."

Lumabas ako ng treehouse at nagsimula nang maglakad. Hindi naman sobrang dilim
dahil sa mga poste ng ilaw na lumiliwanag sa paligid. I stayed on the phone with
Leon until it ended on its own because I had already arrived at his siblings'
place. Nawalan ng signal.

Nasa pinto ako at naghahanda nang buksan iyon nang mapansin ko ang hindi pamilyar
na sapatos. Lalapitan ko na sana iyon para i-check nang marinig ko ang boses ni
Nash.

"Umuwi ka na, tay."

Agad na dinaga ang dibdib ko.

"Nangungumusta lang naman," baritonong sagot ng lalaki.

Parang napako ang paa ko sa semento dahil hindi ako makagalaw. I just stood there
helplessly, unsure of what to do. Pakiramdam ko ay mali ang oras ng pagpunta ko
lalo at hindi ko kailanman nakita ang . . . tatay nila.

"Maayos ho kami. Makakaalis na kayo," sabi ulit ni Nash.

Alam kong dapat ay umalis na ako rito . . . pero hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko
magawa.
I only knew a few things about their father. Leon told me that he abandoned them
when they were young and that Tita Leah was forced to work tirelessly because her
husband was a gambler and couldn't help the family financially.

Batang-bata pa raw noon ang kambal kaya marahil ay hindi pa nila iyon natatandaan,
pero madalas umuwi ang tatay nila para lang kupitin ang perang pinagtrabahuhan ni
Tita.

Leon did not hold a grudge against his father. However, he didn't care about him
either. Parang walang importansya sa kanya kung buhay o patay ito. I couldn't blame
him, especially since he saw how hard his mother worked to support him and his
siblings. For him, the fact that their parents had separated was a blessing in
disguise because their father was nothing but a burden.

"'Wag ka nang manggulo, tay."

"Hindi ako nanggugulo, Nash. Bumisita lang ako dahil gusto ko kayong makita."

"Eh, kami ho ba? Tinanong n'yo ba kami kung gusto namin kayong makita?"

Natutop ko ang bibig sa unang beses na naging sagot ni Nathaniel. Naghari ang
katahimikan sa kanila kaya mas lalo kong narinig ang tibok ng puso ko.

"Paprangkahin ko na ho kayo . . . wala po kayong uuwiang mga anak dito," dagdag pa

niya. "Hindi ko alam kung kailangan n'yo ng pera pero wala po kayong mapapala sa
amin."

"Nag-aalala lang naman ako sa inyo dahil wala na ang nanay n'yo . . ." mahinang
sagot ng tatay nila.

"Nahuli na ho ang pag-aalala n'yo. Hindi na kami mga bata," mariing saad ni Nash.
"Kaya hangga't may natitira pa ho kaming respeto sa inyo, umalis na lang po kayo."

Napakurap ako nang marinig ang sarkastikong tawa ni Nathaniel. He was starting to
sound . . . scary. Kanina ay si Nash lang ang umiimik, pero noong siya na ang
nagsalita ay ramdam ko ang poot niya sa ama.

"Ni hindi ka nga nakabisita no'ng namatay si Nanay . . ." I could sense mockery in
his tone. "Kung wala kang narinig kay Kuya, ibahin mo kami. Natutunan naming
makipag-agaw buhay sa mga kriminal . . . hindi ako magdadalawang-isip na gawin ulit
'yon sa isang taong wala namang ambag sa buhay namin."

"Nathaniel . . ."

Muling tumawa ang huli. "Totoo naman, Nash, 'di ba? Sino ba 'yan?"

Hindi sumasagot ang tatay nila. Gustuhin ko mang umalis ay lalo lang akong napako
sa kinatatayuan ako. I was afraid they'd fight, especially since Nathaniel sounded
furious . . . taliwas sa karakter niyang tumanim sa akin.

"Umalis ka na. Ayokong maabutan ka rito ni Kuya. Ang dami nang pinagdaanan no'ng
isa para makita pa 'yang pagmumukha mo."

"That's enough, Nathaniel."

"Natatakot ka rito, Nash?" He scoffed. "Tanda mo no'ng na-late ng uwi si Kuya kasi
naglako siya ng mga kakanin tapos binugbog lang ng gagong 'yan kasi ayaw ibigay ni
Kuya 'yong napagbentahan?"
A searing anguish pierced my heart. Hindi iyon nabanggit ni Leon.

"I'm sorry, mga anak . . ."

"Umuwi na lang ho kayo, tay. Maayos na kaming tatlo rito. Hindi namin kailangan ng
pangungumusta n'yo," ani Nash.

"Hihintayin ko lang si Mael. Aalis din ako agad."

Hindi ako makasabay sa usapan nila. I could imagine the young Leon being beaten up
by his father after working . . . at a very young age. Hinigpitan ko na lang ang
kapit sa paper bag para kahit paano ay manumbalik sa akin na maaayos ang naging
pagpapalaki ni Tita Leah sa kanya at sa mga kapatid niya.

"Amari."

Dinaga ang dibdib ko nang marinig ang pagtawag ni Leon sa akin. I looked at him and
saw him opening the fences with a small smile on his lips.

"Ba't hindi ka pumapasok?" tanong niya pa.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Kung pipigilan ko ba siyang pumasok sa loob o
hahayaang magkaharap silang apat. I felt like it was a family matter and I had
nothing to do with it.

Hindi pa man ako nakakapagsalita ay binuksan na niya ang pinto ng bahay, at doon ay
tumambad sa amin ang nakatayong sina Nash at Nathaniel habang nakatingin sa
lalaking nakaupo sa sofa sa sala.

Agad itong naalarma nang makita si Leon at pansin na pansin ko ang pagdaplis ng mga
mata nito sa akin. He rose from his seat, looking a little stiff.

He stood at a good height, but I knew Leon and the twins would tower over him.
Malaki ang pangangatawan niya ngunit bahagyang hupyak ang mukha . . . marahil ay
dala na rin ng edad.

I felt like I was staring at the old version of Leon because he looked exactly like
him. The dark, hooked eyes that seemed to peer right into your being, and the sharp
nose that was clutching his glasses so firmly.

"Mael . . ."

I couldn't take my eyes off him. Akala ko noon ay kahawig ni Leon si Tita Leah sa
mata. Both of their eyes were black yet gentle . . . but now that I'd seen his
father, I realized I was mistaken.

Sa kanilang tatlong magkakapatid ay si Leon ang pinakakawangis nito. The twins

inherited some of Tita Leah's softer features, but Leon took after his father in
every way.

"Nathaniel, Nash . . . samahan n'yo ang Ate Amari n'yo sa kusina. Ipinagluto niya
kayo ng hapunan," matigas na utos ni Leon sa dalawa. Gone was the ghost of a smile
that he had given me just a few seconds ago.

I clutched the paper bag and walked over to the twins, who motioned me to follow
them. Hindi ko alam kung bakit dinadaga ang dibdib ko gayong sigurado naman akong
walang mangyayaring hindi maganda.
Tahimik lang ang dalawa nang makarating kami sa kusina. I took the food containers
out of the paper bag and put them all on the table. Binuksan ko ang kaldero ng
kanin at napahinga ako nang malalim nang makitang wala silang sinaing. Mabuti na
lang at nagdala ako ng extra . . . iniisip ko ay pang-umagahan na sana nila bukas.

"Maghahain na 'ko. Gutom na kayo?" tanong ko.

Hindi sila sumagot kaya bumaling ako sa kanila. Their faces remained stoic, and
they seemed upset about the situation. Siguradong kung wala ako rito ay pupuntahan
nila ang dalawa . . . kahit pa rinig naman namin ang pupwede nilang pag-usapan
dahil hindi naman kalakihan ang bahay.

I pursed my lips. "Kauuwi n'yo lang ba? Magsasaing ako bago umalis para hindi na
kayo mag-aabala bukas ng umaga."

Tumingin sa akin si Nash. "Kami na, ate. Salamat."

Isang beses lang akong tumango. Kumuha ako ng mga pagkakainan nila at isinalin na
rin sa mangkok ang ulam at kanin. I washed the food containers myself and put them
back in the paper bag.

"Girlfriend mo?"

I stopped a little when I heard their father talk.

"Opo," sagot ni Leon.

"Mabait sa inyo?"

Sarkastikong napatawa si Nathaniel.

"Opo," saad ulit ni Leon.

"Mukhang ka-close ng kambal. Lagi bang nandito?" pangungusisa pa ng lalaki. "'Wag

mong mamasamain ang tanong ko, ha? Masaya akong malaman na may nakakasama kayong
babae rit—"

"Mawalang-galang na po, pero puwede po bang umalis na lang kayo?" Leon cut him off.
"Estranghero po kayo sa bahay na 'to at hangga't maaari, ayaw naming magpatuloy ng
mga hindi namin kakilala."

"Mael . . ."

"Sa oras na manggulo ulit kayo sa mga kapatid ko, hindi po ako magdadalawang-isip
na ipa-blotter kayo." I bit my lower lip when I realized that he and his brothers
were the same when they were talking to him.

"Pasensya na, anak. Gusto ko lang talagang makita kay—"

"Bukas po ang pinto. Umalis na lang kayo kung anong oras n'yo gusto," muling putol
niya sa lalaki. "Kahapon ko pa po hindi nakikita si Amari. Ayokong mag-aksaya ng
oras dito para lang makipag-usap sa inyo."

Pinanlamigan ako nang marinig ang mabibigat na paa ni Leon papunta sa kusina. I
waited until he moved in our direction, and when he did, I just felt him walk
toward me and kiss the side of my head.

"What did you cook?" malambing na tanong niya na parang walang nangyari.
I gulped as I pointed at the dish. "Uhm . . . may mga . . . gulay sa ref mo kaya
nag-pinakbet ako. May pinrito rin akong isda para ka-partner . . ."

Kumuha siya ng kutsara na nasa mesa lang din bago tinikman ang niluto ko.

"Sarap. Uwi na tayo. Doon ko gustong kumain," aniya pa.

Hindi pa ako nakakapag-react ay bumaling na siya kay Nathaniel.

"Silipin mo nga kung nasa sala pa si Tatay."

Tumalima naman ang lalaki.

"Wala na, kuya."

Leon nodded. "Labasin mo, Nash. Ihatid mo ng tingin. Maraming kagalit 'yon sa
kanto. Baka mapaaway."

"Sige, kuya." Tumayo si Nash. "Samahan mo 'ko," sabi pa nito sa kakambal.

"Eh," masungit na pagtanggi ni Nathaniel.

Hinampas ni Nash ang braso nito. "Bilis na."

Sasagot pa sana si Nathaniel nang tanguan siya ni Leon. Kakamot-kamot sa batok

naman itong tumayo para samahan si Nash.

In that short time, I realized how good of people the three of them were. Alam kong
hindi maipipilit ang pagpapatawad at hindi naman lahat ng tao ay karapat-dapat na
patawarin . . . pero hindi lingid sa kaalaman ko na busilak ang puso nila kahit pa
galit sila sa ama.

Hindi na namin pinag-usapan ang tungkol doon kahit na nakauwi na kami sa treehouse.
Inobserbahan ko siya kung may nagbago ba sa kanya matapos ang pakikipag-usap sa ama
. . . pero wala naman. He seemed glad to be with me and went on telling me about
his day as if nothing had happened.

"Are you okay?" paniniguro ko.

"I don't care about him, Amari. Walang galit o ano sa puso ko." He chuckled. "So,
yeah. I am okay."

Later that evening, I got texts from Nash and Nathaniel saying they were sorry for
what had occurred. Hindi naman na iyon kailangan pero pakiramdam ko ay nahiya sila
sa akin kaya biniro ko na lang sila na kaya pala nilang magsungit at . . . mga
devoted pala silang kuya's boys.

I made a pact with myself that night that the three of them would never again have
to endure a string of abandonments. . . dahil kahit anong mangyari, hinding-hindi
ako gagaya sa ama nila.

Chapter 50 [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Last Chapter
Warning: R-18

"Umuna ka na mamaya," Leon told me while he was getting ready for work.

Mula sa librong binabasa ay nailipat ko ang tingin sa kanya. He was facing the
mirror, brushing his hair.

"We'll not go together?"

Lumingon siya sa akin, marahil ay napansin ang pagtatampo sa boses ko.

"We can't. Mala-late ka kapag sa 'kin ka sumabay. My class ends at 4, and you have
to be at the venue at 1, right?"

Napanguso ako. "Then I'll tell Shaira I'll be late. Hindi naman ako kailangang-
kailangan do'n. We can even go at 4. 'Yon naman talaga ang oras ng start."

He shook his head as he furrowed his brow.

"You promised the officers of the org that you'd help the committees supervise the
decorations, Amari," striktong saad niya. "Magkikita naman tayo ro'n. Susunod din
ako agad after class."

I put my head down and dropped the book on my lap.

Ngayon ang grand reunion ng batch namin at pinlano ko na sa utak ko na sabay kaming
pupunta roon ni Leon. I wanted to make fun of Shaira and Thaddeus who didn't know
we had gotten back together. Kung hindi lang siya nagkaroon ng biglaang trabaho sa
VDMH ay hindi niya na sana kailangang i-reschedule ang pasok niya sa graduate
school. The original schedule was this morning. Sabay sana kaming makakapunta sa
venue ng 1.

"Hey."

I sighed. I knew I was being shallow. Walang dahilan para magtampo ako dahil wala
namang matibay na rason para magsabay kami. Isa pa, hindi niya naman kasalanan na
marami siyang ginagawa. Kung alam ko lang ay hindi na sana ako nag-volunteer na
mag-assist sa decorations dahil may kinuha rin namang event organizer.

"Galit ka sa 'kin?" tanong ni Leon. Ni hindi ko namalayang nasa gilid na siya ng

inuupuan kong couch.

I shook my head before grabbing the book on my lap.

"Ingat ka," walang tinging saad ko sa kanya.

Naglakad siya papunta sa harap ko at hinalikan ang tuktok ng ulo ko.

"I love you," he whispered.

I pouted even more. I was acting like a spoiled brat, and he responded well to it.
Nakakahiya ang kababawan ko.

"I'll see you later. Text me when you leave, okay?"

Isang beses akong tumango. Marahan naman siyang napatawa bago ginulo ang buhok ko.

"Someone's being clingy."

I gritted my teeth. "I'm not clingy, Leon."

Muli siyang tumawa kaya lalo akong napasimangot. He was clearly having fun while I
was sulking! I knew I was shallow, but he shouldn't have mocked me for it! Gusto ko
lang namang sabay kaming magpunta sa venue para makita nina Shaira at Thaddeus na
kami na ulit . . . at para mapuri kami ng mga ka-batch namin na . . . na matibay
ang relasyon namin!

Sure, we could just tell or show everyone that we were still together, but I
pictured us walking into the school gym holding hands! Alam kong hindi namin
kailangang ianunsyo ang relasyon namin . . . pero ewan ko ba! I wanted people to
tell me I was a lucky girl! I wanted everyone to know that the batch valedictorian
was still in love with me after all these years!

"Aalis na 'ko. I already cooked your lunch. Make sure to eat before you leave."

"Yeah, sure . . ."

"Are you serious?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. Nasa pinto na siya at kunot-noong nakabaling sa

direksyon ko.

"What?" I asked.

"Galit ka?"

Umiling ako. "Don't mind me. It's just my immature side showing up. I'll work on
it."

"Are you sure?" paninimbang niya.

I nodded, giving him a small smile. "Take care."

He seemed reluctant to leave, but I gestured for him to go ahead and leave so that
he wouldn't be late. Nang tuluyang makalabas ay sinilip ko siya sa bintana hanggang
sa sumakay siya ng sasakyan. I sulked the entire time, knowing that we wouldn't be
able to go to the school gym together where the grand reunion would be held.

Ginawa ko na lang ang mga pending na trabaho habang hinihintay ang oras. Nag-text
na si Shaira sa akin na on the way na siya sa school at bilisan ko raw ang kilos
ko.

I decided to wear a pair of high-waisted denim jeans to emphasize my curves and

paired them with a black sweetheart neckline velvet top. I also curled the ends of
my bob cut to clear the way for my firm jawline and high cheekbones. Hindi na ako
nag-abalang maglagay ng maraming make up sa mukha ko. I just brushed my eyebrows
into an arch and put on red lipstick.

When I checked myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but think of what Ms. Lubrica
had told me before. Ang sabi niya ay well-defined daw ang features ko. I mean,
yeah, it was true. My eyes, lashes, cheeks, jaws, nose, and lips started clearly
defined, but as time went on, I noticed that they sharpened up even more.

Unlike my friends, I didn't have the most outstanding feature on my face. Mill's
pixie haircut and fiery hazel green eyes gave her an appearance of seductive
allure. She had snow-white skin as well. Si Karsen naman ay hindi nakakasawang
titigan dahil inosenteng-inosente ang ganda niya. Her smile and little chuckles
could easily turn her from a blank canvas into a work of art. And Kat, as opposed
to modern beauty, possessed a more traditional look. She had the most beautiful,
long black hair, and her expressive gray eyes were sure to get everyone's
attention. Habang tinititigan siya ay lalo siyang gumaganda.

As for me, I possessed nice features that harmonized well with each other but
lacked one thing I could call my asset. Wala akong strongest point . . . or maybe
it was my full lips. Still, kung hindi ako mag-aayos ay baka ni hindi ako lingunin
ni Leon.

"Queen, dito!" tawag sa akin ni Shaira nang makarating ako sa school gym.

I walked over to the table where she and the other people in our batch were
sitting. Kita ko agad ang pagbaling sa akin ng ilang kaklase na nagboluntaryo rin
sa pag-aayos ng decors.

"Mari?" sabi ng papalapit na si Maricar. "Mari!"

Halos malukot ako sa higpit ng yakap niya sa akin. Hindi ko pa man nararating ang
mesa ay sinalubong na ako ng mga kakilala.

"Hindi ka tumatanda! Grabe, bigtime na bigtime ka talaga!" sigaw pa ni Karen,

dating kaklase.

"Pride ka ng school na 'to, jusko! May pinsan akong psychology student ngayon dito
at talagang kilala ka niya kahit na napakalayo na ng batch nila sa 'tin!" I could
remember her as Ms. Gayahan, but I didn't really know her name.

"Ilang taon ka sa Italy? Buti naman at nakapunta ka na! Sana maging aktibo ka rin.
Marami kaming activities every quarter."

"Hindi kita nakilala sa buhok mo!"

Hindi ako makasabay sa usapan nila. I was overwhelmed with everything. Marami-rami
na rin kasi silang nandito. Gaya nga ng sinabi ni Maricar, maraming ka-batch namin
ang aktibo sa mga ganitong bagay.

Most of them remained friends. Kapag hindi abala sa personal na buhay ay pumupunta
pa sila sa mga nasasalanta ng iba't ibang kalamidad para tumulong. Marami na rin
kasi sa amin ang registered psychologist. They offered psychological first aid to
the survivors.

"Hoy, paupuin n'yo naman muna ang kaibigan ko!" bulyaw ni Shaira.

I chuckled at that. Sinamahan nila akong maglakad patungo sa mesa habang inuulan pa
rin ako ng mga tanong.

"Nagtrabaho ka sa PAI, 'di ba? Hiring ba sila?"

"Nako, Karen! Tigilan mo ang pangangarap at hindi ka makakapasok do'n!"

Muli akong napatawa. "Kapag nagkaroon ng job opening, sasabihan kita. I'm still
working for them now. Online set-up."

"Shet, ang sarap ng work from home!"

Maricar grunted. "Hindi rin. Depende sa oras. Kadalasan ay panggabi ang shift dahil
sa time difference. Masarap lang ang ganoon kapag wala kang anak na inaalagaan!"

"I'm not married yet, so . . ." Nagkibit-balikat ako. "Mas madali sa akin 'yong
ganitong set-up."

Namilog ang mata ng ilang kasama namin. Kahit ang mga nag-s-skirting ng mga upuan
ay napalingon sa akin.

"What?" I asked.

"Iilan na lang kayong hindi pa kasal sa batch natin. Nakakagulat lang," sagot ni
Karen.

"Hindi pa rin naman ako kasal!" singit ni Shaira. "Live-in lang kami ni Deus,"
sabay tawa.

Pabirong umakbay sa akin si Maricar. "Ang mga ganitong tipo ng babae, hindi
puwedeng putchu-putchu lang ang mapapangasawa! Siguradong pila ang manliligaw
nito."

Umiling ako. I don't remember ever entertaining a suitor. Si Leon lang.

"Kung single ka pala, open for reto ka ba?" natatawang tanong ng isa sa mga nag-
aayos ng upuan.

Hihindi na sana ako nang maunahan akong umimik ni Shaira.

"Please!" ekseheradang aniya. "May iba sana akong gusto para sa kanya kaso mukhang
hihintayin pa ang pagbabalik ni Hesus bago kumilos!"

Pinanlisikan ko siya ng mata. She really couldn't keep her mouth shut!

"Sino?" tanong ni Karen. "Ang tanda ko, ex mo si Leon, 'di ba?"

"Leon Zamora?" usisa ng isa pa naming ka-batch. "'Yong Summa Cum Laude?"

"Oo, ah! Ini-announce pa ang pangalan ni Mari no'ng nag-speech siya!"

Dinampot ko ang cutter sa mesa na gusto ko sanang isaksak sa mga leeg nila pero
huminga lang ako nang malalim at tumulong sa pagcu-cut ng styrofoam na hindi ko
alam kung saan gagamitin. May pattern naman na susundan kaya ginaya ko na lang ang
ginagawa ni Shaira.

"Nagkagusto rin si Paolo sa 'yo, 'di ba? Doctor na 'yon, ah? Pumasa sa licensure
exam."

Humalakhak si Shaira. "Maraming nagkagusto rito no'ng college pero wala siyang
kaalam-alam! Ang sungit kasi!"

Siniko ko siya. "Imbento ka na naman . . ."

"Seryoso ako, 'no! Focused ka kay Leon noon kaya hindi mo napapansin. Dense ka pa
naman sa mga nagpapalipag-hangin sa 'yo."

Ngumuso ako. "Malamang. Si Leon ang boyfriend ko. Kanino ako magfo-focus?"

She rolled her eyes before turning her attention to the decorations.

"Ex na lang? Wala nang chance? Sayang din kayo. Bagay na bagay . . ."

"Hind—"
"Oo, break na! Pikon na pikon pa rin ako hanggang ngayon!" putol sa akin ni Shaira.
"Sana ay pumunta si Leon! Ipa-realize natin sa shungang 'yon kung sino ang
isinasantabi niya!"

Not wanting to prolong their gossips, I just shrugged. Bahala kayo sa buhay n'yo!
Ayaw n'yo akong pasingitin? Magulat na lang kayo mamaya pagdating ng boyfriend ko!

Naging taga-pakinig na lang ako ng usapan. Minsan ay sumasali ako sa kwentuhan

kapag tungkol sa trabaho, pero kapag tugkol sa love life ay nananahimik na ako.
Maricar even talked about her sex life openly. Wala rin namang lalaki sa paligid
kaya malaya silang nakakapagtawanan.

"Iba ang nagagawa ng sex sa relasyon, 'no! Parang mas nagiging intimate kayo ng
partner mo talaga," aniya pa. "Mabuti nga at nag-family planning kami ni mister!
Regular ang pagta-take ko ng pills dahil regular din talaga ang . . ." She wiggled
her brows.

Rinig ko ang pagtawa ni Shaira sa tabi ko.

"Sabi nila nakaka-blooming 'yon. Ano'ng nangyari sa 'yo?" pang-aasar niya.

"Ikaw ang mag-alaga ng dalawang anak, gaga!" Sumimangot si Maricar. "Palibhasa,

mukhang wala nang pakialam si Thaddeus sa 'yo at hindi ka na ginagalaw!"

"Excuse me?! Hindi ako kayang i-resist no'n, 'no! Invite kita minsan! Panoorin mo
kami nang live!"

"Parang mga bata . . ." natatawang saad ng isang babae sa mesa namin na hindi ko na
rin matandaan ang pangalan. "Dati, hiyang-hiya kapag nalamang hindi na virgin pero
ngayon, nakakahiya na ang walang experience?!"

Yumuko ako para hindi nila makita ang pagsimangot ko. Paano ay naalala ko na naman
ang pang-aasar nina Mill at Karsen sa akin noong nalaman nilang wala pang
nangyayari sa amin ni Leon!

"Ang sarap kasi sa pakiramdam kapag alam mong naaakit pa sa 'yo ang partner mo,"
sabi naman ni Karen.

"Totoo!" si Maricar. "Napapangitan pa nga ako minsan sa sarili ko kapag hindi ako
pinapansin ng asawa ko."

"Kapag sexy time, feel na feel mo talagang ang ganda mo," pagsang-ayon ni Shaira.
"Hay, Deus. Later ka sa 'kin."

Nakuyom ko ang kamao. Hindi ako maka-relate sa pinag-uusapan nila. Lalo tuloy akong
natahimik.

At that moment, I started to wonder if Leon didn't think I was beautiful. Hindi ko
alam kung dapat ko bang lagyan ng ibang kulay ang hindi namin . . . pagtatalik. I
mean, sure, he was being respectful, and he believed that sex was a gift for
married couples only, but after living under the same roof for so long . . . hindi
ko maiwasang mag-isip. Totoo bang nirerespeto niya ako o ayaw niya lang talagang
gawin ang bagay na iyon sa 'kin?

Maybe I wasn't attractive enough for him. O baka naman . . . kulang ako sa lambing?
Sa pagpapakita ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya? I don't know. Hindi ko naman 'to para
diretsong masabi sa kanya dahil magmumukha lang akong uhaw sa sex!

"Ikaw, Mari?"
Namilog ang mga mata ko. Anong ako? Alam ba nilang hindi pa kami nagtatalik ni
Leon?!

Maricar laughed. "Hindi mo ba naitaas ang bandila natin sa Italya?!"

I didn't know that this was a typical subject of conversation. I thought it was too
private and shouldn't have been shared with just anyone. But I guess that things
have already changed. Gaya nga ng sabi ng isang ka-batch namin . . . parang
kahihiyan na ang umabot sa ganitong edad na walang ganoong karanasan.

I just shook my head, upset by the subject. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling
ang inis ko. Sa pagtatanong ba nila o sa katotohanang wala akong maikukwento.

In my opinion, sex between consenting adults is fine as long as it is not forced

upon either partner. The idea that women should remain virgins until marriage
originated in our culture and grew as the norm over time. Walang kaso sa akin kung
magpapakasal kami ni Leon na virgin ako o hindi. As long as I made it with him, I
would be okay.

Still, wala rin namang masama kung wala pang karanasan tungkol doon . . .
regardless of age. Hindi ko dapat bini-big deal ito. Leon had made it clear to me
that we'd only do that after we tied the knots. Nakakahiya namang i-bring up ko sa
kanya ang tungkol dito.

"Dalagang Pilipina 'to," may pagmamalaki sa boses ni Shaira.

Pinanood ko ang reaksyon ng mga kasama at pansin ko ang gulat sa mga mata nila.
Some just smiled with a bit of approval on their faces.

"Talaga? Hina pala ni Leon."

Nagtawanan sila sa sinabi ni Maricar. I forced a smile, too.

"I mean, no offense, okay? Matagal kong naging kaibigan 'yon at nasaksihan ko naman
kung paano siya lapitan ng mga babae noon. He was the mysterious type . . . kaya
lalong napupukaw ang interes ng iba," sabi niya pa. "Mabarkada pero madalas ay
tahimik. I often picture men like him to be aggressive. Parang nasa loob ang kulo,
ganoon. So . . . I guess I just didn't expect him to be a gentleman type. Wala sa
awra ng mukha niya."

"Napakabait no'n, 'no! Kung ako lang ang magdedesisyon sa buhay ng kaibigan kong
'to, siguradong si Leon ang ipakakasal ko!" wika ni Shaira.

I scoffed. Si Leon naman talaga ang pakakasalan ko kahit na hindi siya ang
magdesisyon sa akin.

Hindi na nasundan ang usaping iyon bagaman tumimo sa isip ko ang usaping
pagtatalik. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay may mali pa akong ginagawa. I tried not to dwell
on the idea that I wasn't beautiful enough to get his attention, but it kept coming
back to me. Baka nagsasawa na siya sa mukha at katawan ko kaya hindi na siya
naaakit sa akin.

Maybe I should work out every day instead of just three to five times a week. Gusto
rin ni Leon kapag pula ang lipstick ko dahil napapansin ko ang pagtitig niya rito
kapag ganoon ang ayos ko. He told me it suited my lips. Kailangan kong mas maging
mapanuri kung kailan siya nagagandahan sa akin . . . o kung nagagandahan pa nga
siya sa akin.
We continued decorating the tables, chairs, and stage. Patuloy ang usapan ng mga
batchmates ko tungkol sa kanya-kanyang ganap sa buhay. Mabuti nga at hindi mainit
sa lugar dahil sa malalaking industrial ceiling fans. Hindi na rin naging problema
ang pagkain dahil may kinuha namang caterers. May mga alak pa ngang binili ang
sponsors kung sakaling gustong mag-inom ng ilang magpapaiwan.

Nagsimula nang magdatingan ang ilang kaklase. Nagpalitan kami ng pagbati at

kaunting kumustahan. Gaya ng reaksyon ng mga kasama ko kanina ay nagulat din sila
sa pagdalo ko kahit pa nagsabi naman na ako sa officers na pupunta nga ako.

"Si Leon!"

Agad na lumipad ang tingin ko sa entrance ng school gym para makita ang kasintahan.
Pero mabilis din ang pagkunot ng noo ko nang mapansing may kausap siyang babae.

"Uy, sino 'yon?" usisa ni Karen na pinapanood din ang dalawa.

"Hindi natin 'yan ka-batch. Hindi ko kilala, eh," saad ni Maricar.

I looked at my colleagues and noticed that some of them were watching Leon and the
girl. They looked amused because Leon wasn't too fond of talking to other people.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit may kung anong kumirot sa dibdib ko nang ibalik ko ang
tingin sa dalawa. I just stared at Leon while he was talking to a woman who I think
was about two or three years younger than us. They were serious and professional,
but given the ideas running through my head, I couldn't help but be jealous.

Maganda ang kausap niya at balingkinitan ang katawan. It was my first time seeing
her . . . but I was thinking she was a teacher working here, base na rin sa
unipormeng suot niya. Marahil ay hindi ko lang siya nakadaupang-palad dahil hindi
naman ako naging regular dito. Nagturo lang talaga ako para sa review ng board
exams ng mga psychology students.

Leon then turned to look at me, but I just dropped my eyes to my cellphone. Ni wala
manlang siyang text na papunta na siya. Hindi na nga kami nagsabay . . . hindi pa
siya nag-u-update. Siguro ay nakalimutan niya na ako sa dami ng ginagawa.

"Leon, hinihintay ka na nina Thaddeus do'n sa kabila," saad ni Shaira.

Hindi ako nag-angat ng tingin. I knew he was just near our table.

"Amari."

I almost shivered at his baritone. Pansin ko ang pananahimik ng mga kasama ko.
Kahit sina Shaira, Maricar, at Karen na maingay na nagkukwentuhan ay napatigil para
tumingin sa amin. And so, without much haste, I turned my head and gave Leon a
casual glance.

"Yes?"

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya.

I pursed my lips at how immature I was. Alam kong hindi tamang pagbuntunan ko siya
ng inis dahil lang sa mga iniisip ko . . . pero ewan ko ba! I was annoyed! Magso-
sorry naman ako mamaya . . . I just wanted some time to be frustrated!

"Let's just talk later. Umupo ka na ro'n," I said, dismissing him.

Lalong lumalim ang kunot sa noo niya. Ilang segundo pa siyang tumitig sa akin bago
pairap na tumingin sa mesa ng mga kaibigan niya. He nudged the tip of his tongue on
the insides of his cheeks, obviously agitated by the situation.

Napanguso na lang ako at dahan-dahang ibinalik ang mata sa cellphone. This was
supposed to be a happy day for us, but I was messing things up.

The event started shortly after that. Walang naging tanong sina Shaira at ang mga
kasama ko sa table tungkol doon kahit na batid ko ang kagustuhan nilang mangusisa.
I just sat there with my arms crossed, staring at the stage, and wishing
desperately for everything to be over.

Walang dahilan para magselos ako. Wala ring dahilan para isipin kong hindi
nagagandahan sa akin si Leon. Alam ko lahat ng 'yon . . . kaya hindi ko
maintindihan ang sarili kung bakit ako nag-iinarte! What if Leon got sick of my
attitude again? Nakakahiya. Lagi na lang siya ang nag-a-adjust sa 'kin.

From: Zamora

What's up with you?

Dinaga ang dibdib ko nang matanggap ang message na iyon. I took a quick look at him
and got even more nervous when I saw that he was looking at me intently.

To: Zamora

Don't mind me.

From: Zamora

I can't just do that, Mendoza. You've been acting weird since this morning.

I bit my lower lip as I felt a pang of guilt.

To: Zamora

I'm being immature. I'm sorry.

From: Zamora

It has a root cause. Tell me what's bothering you.

To: Zamora

Mamaya na lang. I don't want to ruin the mood.

Natagalan siya bago mag-reply kaya muli akong napatingin sa kanya. He looked mad,
even though the people at his table seemed to be having fun. Kinakausap siya ni
Thaddeus ngunit sa akin mariin ang tingin niya.

From: Zamora

You want to keep our relationship a secret.

Namilog ang mga mata ko sa sagot niya. It wasn't even a question! Talagang nag-
conclude na siya! Ako nga 'tong gustong sabay kaming pumunta rito nang . . .
magkahawak-kamay! Para ipakita sa lahat na kami pa rin! I wanted to shout out that
he was my boyfriend and be proud of it! Hindi gaya noong college kami na pribado
ang relasyon namin! I mean, it was better that way, but . . . I wanted to broadcast
my love for him!
To: Zamora

Where did you get that, Leon?

I didn't know what was going on inside his head right now. Lalo tuloy akong
nabahala. I don't want him mad at me . . . kaya hindi ako nagsasabi ng kahit ano. I
wanted to calm down first because my thoughts were jumbled up. My insecurities were
getting to me, at hindi tamang siya ang tumanggap ng inis ko sa sarili.

Hindi na siya nagreply kaya mabigat ang loob kong inilagay ang cellphone sa bag. I
knew I was being shallow again. Pagod si Leon at ganitong ugali pa ang ipinakikita
ko.

"Pahangin lang ako sa labas," pagpapaalam ko kay Shaira bago tumayo.

Hindi ko na hinintay na makasagot pa siya. The gym's lights were now on, and they
blinded me as I left the premises.

"Amari?"

Napatingin ako kay Ms. Lubrica nang makasalubong ko siya. Parang papasok sa loob ng
gym.

"Amari . . . it's nice to see you," she said slowly. "Mabuti at nakapunta ka."

I took a few deep breaths, letting the haze of the early evening settle into my
lungs. The sun hadn't gone down all the way yet, so it wasn't too dark outside, but
I could tell that night would soon be upon us.

"Yes, ma'am. Actually, kanina pa po ako nand'yan. Nag-decor po kami."

Hindi natanggal ang ngiti niya. She looked at me with a bit of surprise and
happiness in her eyes, as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"Ma'am?"

Napapiksi ako nang ilagay niya ang kamay sa kaliwang balikat ko.

"It is really, really nice to see you, Amari."

The sincerity in her words instantly brought a warm fuzzy feeling to my chest. Only
then did I realize that she'd been there with me from the start and that she still
served as a driving force behind all I could do now. Siya ang isa sa mga unang
naniwala sa akin . . . at hanggang ngayon, nandito pa rin siya.

"Thank you, ma'am," I said with the utmost honesty.

"You reminded me so much of why I was in this field. I'm sorry. I'm just so proud
of what you've become." She heaved a sigh. "Kung may oras ka minsan, dalawin mo 'ko
sa bahay, okay? I'll cook for you."

I didn't know what had gotten to me that I took a step closer and just embraced
her. Nanumbalik sa akin ang lahat ng itinuro niya at lahat ng kabutihang ginawa
niya sa akin. She always asked me how I was feeling before. Sa mga klase niya,
hindi ko nagiging problema ang pagtulog dahil hindi niya ako pinapagalitan. It was
as if she knew I was tired. She silently rooted for me from the sidelines. Kahit
hindi ko madalas marinig. Kahit madalas ay hindi ko napapansin. She helped me fall
in love with psychology and watched as I grew in the field.
Ms. Lubrica felt like a mother to me. She believed in me even when I thought I
couldn't make it.

"Maraming salamat po, ma'am," bulong ko. "Dadalaw po ako sa inyo lagi."

Hindi agad siya pumasok sa loob ng gym. We took a seat on a bench outside and just
casually talked to each other. She asked me about Psyche, so I informed her that my
friend was still getting better. Sinabi ko rin sa kanya ang tungkol sa pagdo-
doctorate ko at masayang-masaya siya sa pagtimo ng mga itinuro niya sa akin. I told
her about my favorite lessons I learned from her and some of the words she said
that resonated with me.

"Do you mind me asking . . ." she stalled a bit.

"Ano po 'yon, ma'am?"

"I saw Leon behind you earlier. Parang susundan ka," she said. "May naabala ba
'ko?"

Napakurap ako sa tanong niya. Agad na lumipad ang tingin ko sa entrance ng gym at
nakitang wala namang tao roon. From where we were sitting, only the faint traces of
music and laughter could be heard.

"Wala po, ma'am," saad ko. "May maliit na misunderstanding lang po. Kasalanan ko
naman."

She chuckled. "Really? I had no idea you guys were back together. Akala ko ay buong
buhay na lang matotorpe si Leon."

"Hindi naman po 'yon torpe . . ." I almost lost my voice while talking. Hindi naman
kasi talaga. May ibang paraan lang siya para makuha ang loob ko. "At saka, ako rin
naman po ang madalas na may maling nagagawa sa kanya kaya natakot na sigurong
sumubok ulit. Buti nga po at tinanggap niya pa rin ako."

"Because he saw something good in you that you don't see in yourself, Amari," she
replied.

"But the thing I'm only good at is fighting him, ma'am." Tumawa ako. "Kaya ngayon
nga po, as much as possible, I want to meet him halfway. Sagabal lang po talaga
'yong ugali ko minsan . . . pero I'll do my best to work on it naman. I don't want
Leon to break up with me."

Sumandal siya sa bench kaya ganoon din ang ginawa ko. This time, the darkness
painted across the entire sky, and the stars looked like they'd been poked with the
tips of brushes. Maliit, makinang, at tila wala sa ayos. They just kept gleaming
where they were placed, as if someone had ordered them to.

"You know, I got closer to Leon these past few years. Simula noong nawala ang nanay
niya, madalas ay ayaw niyang umuwi sa kanila. He'd come to my place and hang out
for hours without saying a word. Tahimik na siya noon . . . pero pansin kong mas
naging tahimik siya."

My attention was on her. It was the first time I had heard that. All this time, I
only knew that Leon had faced his demons, but I had no idea how they showed
themselves in his life.

"He kept a picture of you in his wallet, and I've seen how much he loved you. Kapag
makakatulog siya sa sala, makikita ko lang na nakabukas 'yong pitaka niya sa dibdib
niya. Doon ko lang mare-realize na . . . natulog siyang ikaw ang tinitingnan."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit may tanikalang sumakal sa dibdib ko. While I was busy
forgetting about him, he remembered me.

"When I asked him about you . . . umiling lang siya." She sighed. "He then said he
only loved two women, but he lost and failed them both."

I clenched my fist, not knowing what to say. Sabay kaming nawala ni Tita Leah sa
buhay ni Leon. I couldn't even imagine how much pain he had been through.

"Kaya no'ng bumalik ka, gumawa ako ng paraan para magkita kayo."

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

She chuckled. "I can do the review on my own."

"Ma'am . . ."

"Takot si Leon na magkita ulit kayo. Kasi kahit marinig ang pangalan mo, ayaw
niya." She shook her head. "I don't know what pushed him to start pursuing you
again . . . pero no'ng nakita ko kung paano ka niya pagsilbihan tuwing kakain tayo
sa faculty room, napagtanto kong hindi siya nagbago. I still remember seeing him
serve you first before he started eating back then in Davao."

Hindi pa ako nakakapagsalita ay naramdaman ko ang marahang paghawak niya sa kamay

ko.

"I know that you love him in your own way, but I hope you stick with him until the
end. Hindi maiiwasan ang mga pagtatalo, pero sana, 'wag mong kalilimutang ipakita
sa kanya na mas mabigat ang pagmamahalan n'yo kaysa sa anumang away na dadaan sa
buhay n'yo. Love each other gently. You both had gone through many harsh things
already."

Kaunting pag-uusap pa tungkol kay Leon bago kami pumasok sa gym. My heart was
beating fast, and the thoughts going through my head made me nervous. Si Leon lagi
ang nagsasabing mahal niya ako. Walang takot at walang pakialam kung sino ang
makaririnig. He even announced it in his valedictory speech.

Hindi na ako nakasali sa kwentuhan ng mga ka-batch namin. Nang pumila na sa buffet
para sa pagkain ay agad akong tumayo para kumuha ng dalawang pinggan.

"Wow, per plate ang bilangan tapos gan'yan ka kasakim," pang-aasar ni Shaira na
hindi ko naman pinansin.

I held the plates as carefully as I could. Kita ko sa dulo si Leon na nakapila rin
kaya bahagya akong lumayo kay Shaira.

"Saan ka na naman pupunta?" malakas ang boses na tanong niya.

I fixed my gaze on Leon. Hindi siya tumitingin sa akin. Talagang nagtatampo.

"To my boyfriend," I replied casually.

"Huh?!"

Hindi ko na siya sinagot at nagsimula nang maglakad papunta sa puwesto nina Leon. I
knew that Shaira's squealed caught the attention of everyone near her.
"Ano raw?! Boyfriend?!" sigaw pa niya.

Sa lakas ng boses niya ay napatingin sa akin ang mga tao sa pila. Lalo lang dinaga
ang dibdib ko. Hindi naman kasi malakas ang tugtog sa buong lugar para hindi ko
marinig ang pangungusisa nila. Hindi pa nakatulong na sinisigawan din ako nina
Maricar at Karen.

My heart felt like it was going to burst through my ribcage as the men around Leon
looked at me. Kahit si Paolo na nasa dulo ng pila ay saka ko lang napansin. He had
a small smile on his lips, and he looked more reserved now. I tore my gaze off him
and continued walking toward my boyfriend. Nang tapikin siya ni Thaddeus ay saka
lang siya napalingon sa akin.

Basa ko agad ang gulat sa mga mata niya nang makalapit ako.

"I don't plan to keep our relationship a secret, Zamora," I said, loud and clear
enough for him to hear.

Halos mabingi ako sa tili ni Shaira at ng ilang babaeng sigurado akong mga kasama
namin kanina sa table. Kahit ang mga lalaking nasa likuran ay nakisali sa pang-
aasar.

Hindi ko sila pinansin. Iniabot ko lang kay Leon ang pinggan at tulala naman siyang
kinuha ito mula sa 'kin.

"Sabay pa rin tayong uuwi, 'di ba?" masuyong tanong ko.

He clenched his jaw as he nodded. Still sulking, huh?

Kinagat ko ang labi ko bago tumingkayad at patakan siya ng halik sa pisngi.

"Thank you, love," I whispered.

Hindi ko na tiningnan ang reaksyon niya dahil sa hiya ko. I looked at no one as I
walked through the crowd to get to my seat. Kung hindi ko pa maririnig ang pang-
aasar nila kay Leon ay hindi ko ulit sila lilingunin.

"Namumula amputa!" sigaw ni Shaira. "Highschool ba kayo?!"

"Umalis ka na sa pila, Zamora! Naabutan na, eh!" tawa ng isang hindi ko kakilala na
nasundan din agad ng mga asaran.

"Teka, starstruck pa!"

"Namumula talaga siya!"

"May emosyon ka pala?!"

And all those banters.

Hiyang-hiya ako sa ginawa ko lalo nang makabalik ang mga kasama ko sa table. They
started asking me when we started dating again and why I hadn't said anything.
Kahit si Shaira ay halos hindi ako tigilan. She said we shouldn't be friends
anymore because I was keeping secrets from her! Parehong-pareho sila ni Mill na
nanumbat pa dahil lang doon!

Nang i-announce ang after party ay tumingin lang ako sa direksyon ni Leon. We gave
each other a meaningful look, and we knew right away that we wouldn't stay for
drinks.
Tatayo na sana ako para lapitan siya nang tapikin niya si Thaddeus. I watched as he
said goodbye to the men at his table, and I felt my cheeks heat up when they all
gave me teasing and playful glances.

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa bag ko nang maglakad siya papunta sa 'kin. Sigurado at
mabibigat ang hakbang. Dahil kami ang laman ng asaran kanina ay kitang-kita ko kung
paanong lumingon ang batchmates namin sa kanya, tila ba naghihintay sa gagawin
niya.

"Let's go."

Two words and the women at our table went frantic again. Of course, it was led by
Shaira.

"Ang tagal n'yo na, grabe! Baka sa susunod na magkikita-kita tayo, sa kasal na,
ha?"

"Bold of you to assume na invited ka, Maricar!"

"Whatever, Shai! Kahit hindi nila ako papuntahin ay pupunta ako!"

"Habol-habol na!" pang-aasar pa ng ilan. "May expiration ang matres!"

I gritted my teeth as I stood up. Ayan na naman ang topic na 'yan! Iniiwasan ko na
ngang isipin, eh!

"We'll go ahead. May trabaho pa kami bukas."

"Saan ka mag-stay?" tanong ni Shaira.

I pointed at Leon using my lips. "Sa kanya."

I grew even grumpier when Maricar and Karen wiggled their brows at me, as if
implying something sensual. Bago pa nila ako maasar ay lumapit na ako kay Leon na
tahimik lang na hinihintay akong matapos. Nakita ko rin si Thaddeus na nakarating
na pala sa table namin at kasalukuyang kinukumbinsi si Shaira na umuwi na rin. Ni
hindi ko nga alam kung bakit gusto pang mag-stay rito ng babae! Parang hindi niya
iniwan sa mga magulang ni Thaddeus ang anak niya!

Tahimik kami ni Leon sa kotse. I could hear my own heart beating because shame was
washing over me. Ayoko lang namang isipin niya na ikinahihiya ko siya. Alam kong
naging mababaw ako . . . pero hindi ko naman hahayaang matapos ang gabi na may
pagtatampo pa rin siya sa akin.

But then, a few minutes went by and I ate my words again.

Paano ay hindi kami nag-usap hanggang sa makarating kami sa treehouse. Hindi ko

maintindihan. I erased his doubts! I even walked up to him to show that I was proud
to call him my boyfriend! Bakit galit pa rin siya? Nag-sorry din naman ako. Why was
he avoiding me? Ayaw niya ba sa ginawa ko? Nainis ba siya dahil inaasar kami? But I
wanted him to know he had gotted it all wrong! Hindi ko gustong isikreto ang
relasyon namin!

Hanggang sa makapaglinis ako ng katawan ay naiiyak ako sa inis. He was extremely

quiet, and I felt like he was still mad. Baka ayaw niya nga sa nangyari. How would
I apologize again? What if he decided he didn't like my attitude and broke up with
me? What if he grew tired of my immaturity and how I handled things?
I didn't want our night to end like this. Babalik na ako sa pad ko bukas at ilang
araw na ulit bago kami magkita. Ayokong galit siya sa 'kin. I really hated the
feeling it gave me.

Naupo ako sa kama habang pinanonood siyang kumilos. Katatapos niya lang din maligo
kagaya ko. He was getting dressed for the night, so I asked him that one question
that kept going through my head.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

Agad siyang napalingon sa akin.

"No! Of course not!" matigas na sagot niya.

"Then why are you giving me the silent treatment?"

My heart clenched. Ayokong nag-aaway kami.

"I'm not giving you the silent treatment. I'm just thinking."

"Of what? Of breaking up with me?"

"Amari, no!" he insisted, getting a little worked up. "I will never break up with
you."

"I'm sorry. I know I'm immature at times. Nagselos ako sa kausap mo kanina kaya
hindi agad kita pinansin. I'm sorry." Nanginig ang labi ko. "Don't be too quiet
around me. Ayokong galit ka sa 'kin. I'm scared."

Bahagya siyang natulala sa 'kin.

"She's a co-teacher. She knows you. Nagtanong lang tungkol sa masters ko dahil mag-
e-enroll din siya," he explained. "I'm sorry. I should have told you about it
instead of fretting."

Umiling ako. "Do you find her prettier?"

Namilog ang mga mata niya. "Why are you asking such questions?"

"Bakit hindi mo na lang sagutin?"

"Because I don't want you comparing yourself to others!" he said, frustrated at my

train of questions. "I don't want your feelings for me to make you doubt yourself!"

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths.

Amari, you've got to get your shit together. You're being irrational again.

"I'm sorry . . ."

"No, tell me what made you think that way. Hindi ka ganito, Amari."

I just shook my head. There was no way in hell I'd tell him my reason.

"I'm okay. I'll work on my attitude—"

"Why am I making you feel self-conscious, Amari?" mas mariing tanong niya.

"Wala nga—"
"You never question your beauty. Alam mo namang ikaw ang pinakamaganda para sa
'kin. Bakit mo itinatanong pa 'yon?" he said, almost out of breath.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. "I'm just . . . curious. Syempre, dahil lagi mo 'kong
nakikita, baka hindi na ako maganda para sa 'yo. Baka nagsasawa ka na."

Natahimik siya kaya sumulyap ako sa kanya. He looked confused and pained.

"Why would you say that?" he asked. "What did I do? Do I make you feel ugly?"
Umiling siya. "Mahal kita. Bakit mo sinasabi 'yan?"

"Don't blame yourself, please! Those are just my thoughts, okay?"

"It's not okay."

I gulped. "Please. Don't make me say it."

His brows furrowed even more. "Say what?"

"Leon naman. Let's just forget it, hmm? I won't think of anything about who's
prettier or what again."

He locked his gaze on me, penetrating to the core of my being.

"Say what, Amari?"

I almost shivered at the intense authority I heard in his baritone.

"Wala nga . . ." I drowned out my own voice.

"You have a reason. Tell me."

"Sabing wala nga. Bakit ba ang kulit mo?"

"Hindi tayo matatapos hangga't hindi mo sinasabi sa akin kung ano'ng naging dahilan
ng pagtatampo mo, Amari."

"No."

"We'll not resolve this misunderstanding if you don't tell me," puno pa rin ng
awtoridad na wika niya, parang hindi manlang nababagabag sa pagtanggi ko.

I mean . . . how the hell would I tell him that the reason I felt insecure was that
he wouldn't have sex with me?! That sounded so fucking wrong!

"Amari . . ."

"Leon, there are things we share with others and things we don't."

"Not when I'm making you lose your confidence. You've been beautiful ever since.
You know that."

Umiling ako. "Hindi ko na nga uulitin."

"Ang alin?"

"Ang pag-iisip . . ."

"Ng ano?"

"Leon . . ."

He shook his head, not giving in to me. "Tell me what's making you insecure.
Ayokong ganito ka."

"Wala nga!" inis nang saad ko. "Nakakainis ka na!"

"Communic—"

"I just feel ugly, okay? Hindi ba puwede 'yon?!"

He fixed his gaze on mine, determined to get to the bottom of this.

"Hindi ka ba talaga titigil?!" panunuya ko kahit na rinig ko ang dagundong ng

sariling puso.

"Hin—"

"Fine!" I stood up. "My friends are teasing me . . . and I'm pissed!"

Hindi siya nag-react. I was just breathing heavily, not knowing what to tell him.

"T-They mentioned that doing it shows that your partner is attracted to you . . .
and that I might not be attractive to you enough because we haven't done it yet."

"Done what?"

My lips trembled. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin dahil naramdaman ko ang pag-akyat ng dugo
sa mukha ko.

"T-That . . ."

"Ano nga?"

I closed my eyes and lowered my head. Fuck, this was so awkward!

"Sex . . ." I breathed out.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence before he spoke again.

"What?"

Inis akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya.

"Sex, Leon! We haven't done it yet, and I think it's because you don't think I'm
pretty enough! Okay ka na?"

The intensity in his eyes heightened the growing tension between us. He stepped
closer to me, staring deeply into my soul.

"Come again?" he whispered in a raspy voice.

Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng tuhod ko. I just couldn't believe what I'd said!

"Say it again . . ."

Napasinghap ako nang maramdaman ang paglapit ng mukha niya sa akin. He gave me
small, teasing kisses on my jaw and up to the corners of my lips. I felt like my
feet were stuck to the floor as I thought about how he was making me feel.

"Baby, say it again please . . ."

My heart skipped a beat. Bumaba ang halik niya sa itaas na bahagi ng leeg ko
kasabay ng paghila niya sa baywang ko.

Nang tanggalin niya ang salamin naming dalawa ay lalong rumagasa ang kaba sa dibdib
ko. I knew what this was.

"I'll show you how beautiful you are in my eyes."

Napatili ako nang walang kahirap-hirap niya akong dinala sa kama. He got on top of
me, and before I could react, he attacked my lips. Agad kong ipinikit ang mga mata
habang tumutugon sa halik niya bago ikinulong ang aking mga braso sa batok niya
para hatakin siya lalo palapit sa akin.

I could feel his tongue caressing the inside of my mouth as he fought with mine and
nibbled at my upper and lower lips. Soon after, he kissed my neck once more,
leaving his minty breath on me.

"I fantasized about making love with you . . ." he whispered, still nipping at my
neck while his right hand tugged at the hem of my shirt. "God, you don't know how
much I want you, Amari . . ."

I felt hot all over. Naramdaman ko ang tuluyang pag-akyat ng kamay niya patungo sa
dibdib ko.

"Leon . . ." I whimpered when he started fondling my right breast through my bra.

He was teasing me. Putting soft kisses on my neck while tugging his fingers on the
top of my nipple. I opened my eyes slightly to see what he was doing and got even
more aroused when I noticed his hand moving beneath my shirt.

I moaned again when he stuck a finger inside my bra.

"Just fucking remove it," I grunted.

Marahan siyang napatawa. Muli niyang hinalikan ang labi ko bago itinaas nang konti
ang katawan ko para tuluyang tanggalin ang suot kong bra.

I felt the cold instantly. While he was kissing me, he played and teased me by
letting his fingers hover near but not touch my nipples. My fury with the world had
reached epic proportions. I swear he was trying to avoid touching my breasts on
purpose!

Bago pa ako makapagreklamo ay tila nadinig niya ang daing ko. He held my right
breast in his hand, making me moan with pleasure. And while his lips were working
their way down, his middle finger circled its nipple.

I was so engrossed in my desire that I didn't know how he managed to take off my
shirt. I saw thick lust in his eyes as he stared at my now exposed breasts, and so,
without saying anything, he bent his head and put one of them in his mouth.

"Leon . . ." halinghing ko.

He was cupping one in his hand while kissing the other. Ang kamay niya ay naglakbay
sa garter ng suot kong pajama. Puro ang mahihinang pagdaing ko lang ang naririnig
sa buong bahay. I had no idea that he could make me feel this good. I felt like
fainting.

Gaya ng ginawa sa dibdib ko ay tinukso niya rin ng daliri niya ang pagkababae ko.
All I did was moan and watch him please me. He pulled off my pajamas and
immediately kissed me through my undies. Nakagat ko ang labi para pigilan ang
sarili sa paghalinghing. It was too much! I felt like something was going to
explode inside me, and I knew exactly what that was!

Nang hindi nakuntento ay tumaas ulit ang halik niya sa tiyan ko habang ang kamay ay
malayang naglalaro sa pagkababae ko. He dropped sexy kisses on the top of my
abdomen and bit the garter of my undies.

"Can I?" he mumbled, his voice hoarse.

I just groaned in response. Dahan-dahan niyang tinanggal ang telang humaharang sa

labi niya at sa ari ko. The hunger in his eyes doubled as he saw my folds, making
my body burn even more. Kahit na kaunting awang lang ng mata ko ang nakabukas ay
kitang-kita ko kung paanong nagdilim ang itsura niya.

"Leon!" I shouted. "Fuck!"

He began planting small, teasing kisses on me there, flesh to flesh while stroking
my clit. He hardened his tongue and penetrated my folds, literally fucking me with
it! Nagsalitan ang sila at daliri niya roon kaya lalo akong nagdeliryo. Napasabunot
ako sa buhok niya dahil hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko! My other hand
tightened around the blankets as I arched my back to indulge in the pleasure he was
giving me.

"I'm . . ." I cried out.

One swift glide of his tongue and I felt an inside explosion that sent chills
through my body. Kinailangan kong takpan ang bibig para lunurin ang sariling
halinghing.

I could feel Leon licking me clean, but the orgasm had exhausted me. Hinang-hina
ako nang pumikit. If I didn't realize that he needed to get off too, I would have
driven myself to sleep immediately.

Nang magmulat ako ng mata dalawang minuto matapos iyon ay nakita ko siyang nakaupo
sa dulo ng kama at nakatalikod sa akin. I was still naked, but instead of being
cold, my body was burning.

Hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na yakapin siya mula sa likuran, wala nang pakialam kung
nagkita niya man ang lahat sa akin. He stiffened and muttered a lot of curses.

"Baby, please, I'm calming myself," he said in a controlled voice.

Hindi ako nakinig. I kissed the back of his ears while my fingers were making their
way through his nape. Rinig ko ang mabibigat at malalim na paghinga niya sa
ginagawa ko kaya mas lalo kong pinag-igihan. I teased his jaw, the side of his
neck, and his ears. Nang makitang bumibigay na siya ay hinawakan ko ang baba niya
at iniharap sa akin.

He groaned sexily when our lips touched. I slowly glided myself to sit on his lap.
Napakapit naman siya sa baywang ko para suportahan ang likod ko at para lalo akong
mahalikan.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I just went with my gut. I moved my lips to his neck
and kissed him in the same way he had kissed my body earlier. I nibbled on it,
making sure to leave a mark.

Tinanggal ko ang damit niya at bahagya pa akong natulala sa ganda ng katawan niya .
. . kahit pa madalas ko namang makita iyon.

"Amari . . ." his baritone sounded like an invitation to my ears.

I leaned in and began kissing his chest, exploring its contours with my lips. Dahil
na rin siguro sa panghihina ay naalis niya ang kamay na nakapalibot sa baywang ko.
Itinuon niya iyon sa magkabilang gilid ng katawan niya para suportahan ang sarili.
I softly licked his sculpted abs as well, eliciting a deep sigh from him. Ni hindi
niya na ako pinipigilan. It was as if he had completely surrendered to me.

I looked into his eyes, my hand on the garter of his shorts. His eyes looked like
they were dying of thirst, and I knew that feeling too well.

Slowly, I touched his manhood through his garments, and for a split second, I
wanted to retreat. Bahagyang umawang ang labi niya sa ginawa ko kaya sandaling
nawala roon ang atensyon ko.

Leon looked so hot and seductive. His chest was heaving, and his face was somewhat
flushed. Madilim ang inaantok niyang mga mata habang nakatingin sa akin.

I ran my fingers along his swollen, thick, and long shaft, forcing him to take a
deep breath and close his eyes. Humalik ako sa labi niya pero hindi na siya
nakatugon sa akin kaya bahagya akong napangisi.

He was heaving, obviously out of breath, when I pulled down his shorts. Napatitig
ako sa underwear niya kung saan nagkukumawala ang pagkalalaki niya na hindi ko alam
na posibleng ganoon pala . . . ang itsura. Our sexes were almost touching, and I
knew I wouldn't dare get close to him. I wouldn't go that far! And so, at that, I
got off the bed to fully remove his shorts.

"Don't . . ." hirap na hirap na saad niya nang hawakan ko ulit siya.

I looked at him innocently. "Really?"

There was reluctance all over his face.

"We should . . ."

"Not after you get off, okay?" I teased his inner thigh. "What goes around comes
around, Zamora."

He let out a rumbling howl when I started stroking his thing through his only
garment. I felt my body start to heat up when I saw that he was pleased. His head
was thrown back, and both of his arms were supporting his weight.

After a little interlude, I cautiously pulled his underwear only to suck in my

breath as his manhood protruded.

I felt its flesh for the first time, wrapping it around my long fingers. If they
were shorter, I didn't think I could hold them. Ngayon ngang mahaba ang daliri ko
ay halos saktuhan lang. Lalo pang bumagay rito ang puti kong nail polish. It felt
like the meeting of opposing forces had finally taken place.

Rinig ko ang mahihinang daing ni Leon pero hindi ko na siya pinansin. My lust was
awakened by his enticing physique. And so, I kept touching him, up and down, my
fingers sliding through his tip. It was growing, throbbing against my palm.

"Mendoza . . ." Leon called out lowly when I leaned in.

Tumingin ako sa kanya at nagsalubong ang mga mata namin. Still looking intoxicated,
I kept leaning forward so I could taste the tip of his manhood.

Marahas siyang napamura doon. I carefully put him in my mouth while stroking its
body because I didn't think I could fit him all in. Hindi naman nagtagal ay
naramdaman ko na ang kamay niya sa ulo ko. He gathered my hair to the center and
slowly pushed my head to his thing, guiding me.

"Grow your hair," he commanded when he had a hard time pulling it back.

Tumango lang ako. Ang isang kamay niya ay nakatuon para suportahan ang katawan niya
habang ang isa ay nasa ulo ko. He was panting heavily as he directed my head to his
shaft. Pinagpatuloy ko lang ang ginagawa hanggang sa naramdaman ko ang tuluyan
niyang paghila sa buhok ko.

He let go of my hair and stroked his thing on his own, and after only a few
strokes, he splattered his steamy juices all over my breasts.

Nang matapos ay inabot niya ang damit at pinunasan ang dibdib ko. His eyes were
still dark and brimming with need.

"Leon—"

"Enough now. We can't go any further than that."

Umakyat ako sa kama at pinanood siyang maglagay ng underwear at shorts. Walang

paalam siyang bumaba ng attic at napanguso lang ako nang lumabas siya ng bahay.
Siguro ay para magbanyo.

I cleaned myself too, my cheeks flushing from everything that happened. Sure, we'd
kissed and touched each other before, but that was all we'd done! It was our first
time really doing that.

Bihis na rin ako nang makabalik siya, may dala nang libro. I got into bed and he
climbed in next to me.

"Galit ka sa 'kin?" tanong ko bago yumapos sa baywang niya. His upper body was
leaning against the headboard while I lay down in bed completely.

Instead of answering, he motioned for me to imitate his position, so I did.

Sumandal ako sa balikat niya at tiningnan ang hindi pamilyar na libro.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Do you want to read?"

Rinig ko ang mabibilis na pintig ng puso niya kaya napanguso ako. What was he so
nervous about? Hindi naman na namin gagawin 'yon.

"Ngayon?"

He gave a nod. "Ngayon."

Hindi ko inalis ang ulo sa balikat niya. He handed me the thick book, whose cover
was vintage and stylishly classic. There wasn't even a title on it, so I dove in
without much of a plan.

Mr. and Mrs. Zamora

I stiffened when I read the first page. Tumahip ang kaba sa dibdib ko lalo at
naramdaman ko ang marahang paghalik ni Leon sa tuktok ng ulo ko.

"What . . ." I breathed.

The words were painted in gold, and each letter was embossed. Kaya makapal ay hindi
ordinaryong papel panglibro ang gamit.

"Keep reading," he urged me.

Nanginginig ang kamay ko nang ilipat ang pahina. There, I found a handwritten
narrative of our experiences. There were chapters and page numbers . . . like it
was a real published book. I turned the pages and read that he was still gushing
over how much he loved and missed me. All those heated arguments. All those waiting
games. All those promises. Lahat ay nandoon.

My Amari felt like the brightness that follows a thunderstorm, a foggy afternoon,
an eerie calm, and a steaming mug of coffee. She was a poet's muse, a sonic
landscape of wind rushing through towering trees, a rhythmic melody of an autumn
shrub crashing to the ground, and a pressed flower kept in a book.

If loving her is a mistake, then count me among those who are happy to spend
eternity in hell.

It was just a sample passage in the book, but a tear already escaped my eye. With
my hands trembling, I continued to flip through the pages.

I want to be her sanctuary, her quiet place of peace. As she works to overcome the
wounds of her past, I want her to know how much she is loved. I want to relive the
excitement of meeting her for the first time. One myth says that once you find your
true love, time stands still. College freshman year. At the entrance of the crowded
door. In the seat across me. I was eighteen and forever will be.

Nakarating ako sa dulo ng libro kung saan nakasiksik ang isang bookmark. It was
made from resin, with the black material housing the gold letters located at its
base.

Amari Sloane Zamora, how does that sound?

Sunod-sunod na nagbagsakan ang luha ko nang makita ang singsing sa dulo ng ribbon
ng bookmark. It was made of gold and adorned with diamonds all around, culminating
in a bigger, spherical stone at the very top.

"I know I could have chosen a different day and a different place, but this is my
best way to show you that your beauty is unmatched, Amari. I don't want you to have
any doubts. I am in love with you. There is no one for me but you," Leon whispered.
"Please, marry me. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you."

I nodded eagerly, tears falling down my cheeks.

"I-I'll marry you, Leon. I'll marry you." I sobbed. "I love you, too. So much. Even
if I can't express it most of the time, know that you're the only man I want to be
with."
Muli niyang hinalikan ang gilid ng ulo ko. Hindi ako tumigil sa pagtangis sa labis
na kasiyahan.

He took the ring out of the ribbon and slowly slid it onto my finger.

It was perfect like it was made just for me.

Dinala niya ang kamay ko sa labi niya at marahang hinalikan iyon . . . gaya ng lagi
niyang ginagawa.

There were no spoken words, but I could feel the wave of tranquility and peace
washing over me.

Nang mga oras na 'yon, naalala ko ang sinabi ng tatay ko na ang pag-ibig ko kay
Leon ang pinakamalaking pagkakamaling gagawin ko. He said he'd be my downfall and
my rock bottom. He said that I'd fallen and hit my lowest point because of him.

"I love you . . ." my fiancé whispered to me.

Jokes on my father because loving Leon Ysmael Zamora was the mistake I'd commit
over and over again.

He was the one perfect answer on a multiple-choice test where everything seemed
right. The one error in the written exam I could only frown about. The one sentence
in a book that made me stop and think. The one sweet memory that resided in my
heart.

We stayed awake all night long, making plans for the future and whispering our love
to one another. It was the first time I thanked my younger self for not giving up
on me, for staying still despite the throbbing wounds, for wiping away my own
tears, because from that moment on, I knew I wasn't alone anymore.

I had made it. Leon and I had made it.

Epilogue [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Epilogue

TW: Sensitive language and content. Please be guided.

"Anak, iniwan na tayo ng tatay mo."

Iyon ang naabutan ko nang umuwi ako mula sa paglalako ng paninda ni Nanay. Her head
was bowed, and she had a piece of paper in her hand. Bakas ang luha sa mga mata
niya habang ang ilang panindang ibebenta namin bukas ay nakakalat lang sa mesa.
Halatang hindi pa nagagalaw.

I was 11, and ever since I learned what was going on with my family, I knew that I
wouldn't live my life like other kids my age. Mula sa may kayang pamilya si Nanay,
pero nang itanan siya ni Tatay ay kinamuhian siya ng ama't ina. I'd never met my
grandparents. I just knew that something bad happened to them and that they left
Nanay a piece of land so she could start a new life . . . kahit pa may pagtatampo
sila rito.

"L-Leon, paano tayo?" Kita ko ang pagbagsak ng luha sa mga mata niya. "Kukunin daw
sa 'kin 'yong lupa ni Papa. Ginawang collateral ng tatay mo. Hindi pa fully paid
'yong lupang binabayaran natin sa dulo. Wala na tayong pagkukuhanan ng pera. Pati
'yong ipon ko para sa pag-aaral n'yo, tinangay niya. Wala nang natira . . ."
Umiling siya. "Anak, wala nang natira kay nanay."

Inilagay ko ang basket ng pinagbentahan sa isang upuan at lumapit sa kanya.

"Nandito pa ako, nay." Binuksan ko ang plastic kung saan nakalagay ang mga
lulutuing kakanin. "Hindi ko po kayo iiwan."

At an early age, I knew that life wouldn't be easy for me. Nakita ko ang lahat ng
paghihirap ni Nanay para maitaguyod ang pamilya namin, at hindi ko kayang
tumunganga lang habang pinanonood siyang isakripisyo ang buong buhay niya.

Without my father, I was no longer a slave to abuse or fear, but this newfound
freedom came with a heavy burden of responsibility.

Bilang panganay, sa akin nailipat ang mga obligasyon niya sa amin. Pagkagaling sa
eskwela ay diretso na ako sa paglalako ng mga itinitinda ni Nanay. Inobserbahan ko
rin kung paano niya gawin ang mga 'yon para kapag pagod siya ay ako na lang ang
kikilos. Sa gabi ay tinuturuan ko pa ang mga kapatid ko sa assignments nila. Saka
lang ako puwedeng tumutok sa pag-aaral kapag natapos ko na ang lahat.

"Sorry, pa. Sorry . . ."

Nang makita kong nakatanaw si Nanay sa lupaing dati ay kanya, puno ng luha at
pagkabigo ang mukha, ay ipinangako ko sa sarili na darating ang araw na aanihin
niya lahat ng itinanim niyang paghihirap.

For that reason, I realized I couldn't afford to get distracted . . . and while I
thought I was doing it well, the freshman year of college rolled around.

Saktong kasasarado ko lang ng libro ay naghari sa silid namin ang klaro at

dominanteng boses ng isang babae.

"Is this the room for BS Psychology 1-A?"

Her perfect diction caught my attention. Kahit pasigaw ang pagtatanong ay masarap
sa pandinig ang tono ng boses niya. And so, I silently glanced at the door of the
room, not expecting anything.

Maraming tao ang nandoon kaya hindi ko alam kung sino sa kanila ang nagsalita. I
could hear my classmates murmuring about something, but I didn't really care. I
already had a few acquaintances and old classmates here. I knew I could get by
without conversing much.

Mag-iiwas na sana ako ng tingin sa pinto nang muling magsalita ang babae.

"Excuse me!"

I stalled a bit. Her voice sounded beautiful. Hindi matinis. Hindi rin masakit sa
tainga. It was clear, a little deep, and assertive.

I waited for her to show up at the door, but when she did . . . I was taken aback.

"BS Psychology 1-A?"

Natulala ako sa mukha niya at alam kong ganoon din ang mga kaklase ko.
No one could answer her right away. It was as if her presence in the room had
silenced everyone.

She was beautiful beyond belief . . . probably the most beautiful woman I had ever
seen. Mahaba ang bahagyang kulot na buhok niya at maganda ang hugis ng pulang mga
labi. Her complexion was an ideal blend of white and brown tones, lending just the
right amount of emphasis to her finely honed features. Mukhang intelehente . . . at
suplada.

"I'm Amari Sloane Mendoza, 18, and from Colegio de Lopez. I read in my spare time,
and I've chosen to study psychology because I'd like nothing more than for others
to know the essence of taking care of their own mental health. The brain controls
everything else in the body, so it's important to be compassionate when you think
about yourself."

I was all ears when she introduced herself to the class. Hindi ko maintindihan kung
bakit. There was just something about her that I found interesting. May it be her
voice or her beauty, I wasn't so sure.

Nang ako ang magpakilala ay umahon ang kaunting inis sa dibdib ko dahil wala
manlang siyang pakialam. She just went on scribbling in her notebook with those
colorful highlighters . . . samantalang wala pa namang itinuturo.

"Ang daming maganda sa psych," saad ni Thaddeus habang nasa canteen kami. He was
looking around, probably trying to find a woman who could pique his interest.

We were with some friends, but I couldn't help but keep thinking about that Mendoza
girl who was seated at a nearby table. She was laughing with her companions.
Sometimes, she would roll her eyes, and other times, she would tell them stories.

I was just wondering what was making her laugh . . . or what she was saying. Kung
ano ang ikinaiinis niya at napapairap siya. I don't know, really. I felt like I was
watching a good movie starring her.

"Sino'ng tinitingnan mo?"

Sa pagtatanong ni Thaddeus ay napatingin sa amin ang ibang kasama sa mesa.

"Wala," inis na pahayag ko.

Tumawa siya. "Hindi, eh. May tinitingnan ka sa table na 'yon."

"Saan, Thaddeus?" natatawa na ring tanong ni Maricar. "Kay Mari?"

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa kutsara't tinidor nang marinig ang pangalan niya.
Natatanga na yata ako. It was just the first day of college, for crying out loud!
Ni hindi ko alam ang ugali ng babaeng 'yon!

"Ganda, 'no?"

"Sino d'yan?" usisa ng iba naming kasama.

"'Yong medyo kulot."

"Type ni Leon?"

"Tinitingnan daw sabi ni Thaddeus."

I muttered a curse. There was no way I could let them know I was a little . . .
interested.

"She's not my type," I told them.

She wasn't really my cup of tea. I didn't lie about that. Masyado lang talaga
siyang maganda para hindi mapansin. Her demeanor was sophisticated, and even the
way that she behaved was refined. Pinong-pino at babaeng-babae.

But again, she was exactly the kind of girl I shouldn't daydream about. If so, I
knew she could ruin me. She exuded that aura. Parang isang utos niya lang ay
susunod ka. Isang sabi lang at mangyayari ang gusto niya.

I wasn't especially keen on dating. May iba akong prioridad sa buhay at mas marami
akong kailangang unahin. Getting into a relationship was not for me at this moment.

"Ang sarap kagrupo ni Mari," saad ng isang kaklase nang mag-groupings kami sa isang
subject.

"Kaya nga!" pagsang-ayon pa ng isa.

Hindi ako sumabat. Naghintay lang ako ng sasabihin niya. Isa pa, hindi naman ako
ang kausap niya. I just happened to overhear. Nasa likuran ko kasi sila.

"Aral na aral siya."

Nagtawanan sila.

"Biruin mo, ha? Nagpasa kami ng gawa namin tapos hindi niya nagustuhan. Imbes na
ipaulit, siya na lang daw ang tatapos."

"Gago kayo!"

"Eh, kasi naman! Perfectionist masyado."

"Tanga, okay nga 'yon. Iisa ang grade ng buong group. Effort niya, perfect grade ng
lahat."

I clenched my fist in irritation. Agad na lumipad ang tingin ko kay Mendoza na

ngayon ay nag-t-type sa laptop niya. Kanina pa siya ganoon. It was just the first
week of college . . . and she was already this stressed out. Paano ay hindi naman
pala kasi tumutulong ang mga kagrupo niya.

I then looked for the rest of her groupmates and noticed that most of them were
already taking their break. Nagkukwentuhan at nagtatawanan pa. Parang walang group
project na dapat ipasa.

Tumikhim ako. I hated to be the one to interrupt, but nobody should perform all the
work for a collective task! Yes, the members shouldn't always adhere to the
expectations of their leaders, but they couldn't just sit back and let her handle
everything!

I moved the bridge of my glasses, really annoyed at the members who were not
helping Mendoza. Naipasa na namin ang gawa namin dahil kaninang umaga pa ang
deadline nito. Nag-request lang talaga siya na pahabain pa ang due date . . . at
iyon pala ang dahilan kung bakit.

Tumingin ako sa likod ko kung saan nag-uusap ang mga kaklase.

"Tumulong kayo."
Bakas ang gulat sa mga mata nila nang sabihin ko iyon. Yeah. Of course. I hadn't
talked to them since college started, and now I was interrupting their lame,
pointless conversations.

But well, who gives a damn? Hindi nila puwedeng i-trato nang ganoon ang lider nila.

"Group project tapos isa lang ang pakikilusin n'yo?" I said flatly. "Aren't you
ashamed?"

Sasagot pa sana ang isa sa kanila nang muli akong magsalita.

"I'll ask Ms. Lubrica to have the leaders grade their members."

It was a lie. I wouldn't go that far . . . but maybe if they weren't going to help
her, I would.

They looked hopeless after that, which I believed was a victory on my part.

"Epal, eh . . ." saad ng isa sa kanila bago pairap na tumayo.

Sumunod ang mga kausap niya sa kanya, parehas sumpong. Pasimple kong pinanood kung
paanong lapitan pa nila ang ibang kagrupo. Some stared at me, probably because I
interfered, but I didn't really give a shit about that.

Lumapit sila kay Mendoza at nagtanong ng puwedeng gawin.

I felt a surge of warmth and contentment in my chest when she gave them a smile. It
was annoying. Para bang malaking bagay pa sa kanya na tutulungan siya ng mga
kagrupo niya . . . kahit pa 'yon naman talaga ang dapat.

She began assigning them duties, and as they started to work, I observed a slight
change in her mood. Her eyes gleamed, and she seemed relieved.

Napayuko na lang ako sa librong binabasa.

What a nice girl.

Sila ang may pinakamataas na grades para sa written activity na 'yon. They got a
perfect score, whereas my group got a 98. I almost felt bad for her because she was
the only one deserving of that grade, but I was glad for her accomplishment
nonetheless . . . lalo pa't ang ganda ng ngiti niya. Nakita ko pa kanina ang
tahimik at maliit na pag-"Yes" niya nang i-announce iyon ni Ms. Lubrica. She also
did a little silent dance to celebrate her triumph.

It was enough for me. Kahit pa madalas ay hindi niya ako tinatapunan ng tingin,
hindi ko alam kung bakit masaya na akong makitang nakangiti siya kapag maganda ang
performance niya.

It was the glimmer of happiness in her eyes that drew me in. The small claps she
gave herself after answering impressively on a recitation. The tiny ball fist she
made every time she got complimented by our instructor.

Dalawang linggo palang mula nang makita ko siya pero pakiramdam ko ay masasaulo ko
na ang bawat arko ng kilay niya, ang bawat kibot ng labi, at bawat kumpas ng kamay.

I tried not to watch her too much. I might creep her out.

But . . . I just couldn't.

"I think the ones to blame are the parents, ma'am. 'Yon pong antecedent."

Napatigil ako sa pagsusulat nang marinig ang boses niya. I know. I know I should
just continue jotting down notes, but then . . . she was talking! And Nanay told me
to actually listen and pay respect to whoever was speaking!

Huminga ako nang malalim bago dahan-dahang nag-angat ng tingin para panoorin ang
pagsasalita niya.

"The parents are to bear responsibility because the child may have gotten
traumatized as a result of their constant fighting, and when they went their own
ways, this trauma could've blossomed into something the child couldn't manage. So,
'yong pagrerebelde ng bata, is a valid response to his pain. We have different
coping mechanisms, and maybe he found comfort in illegal drugs and alcohol."

She knew what she was saying. I was sure of that. I just think there was a flaw in
her answer.

Inayos ko ang salamin at marahang napamura sa sarili. I wished I could transfer to

another section. Hindi kasi ako makapagfocus kapag nasa paligid siya . . . kahit pa
wala naman siyang ginagawa sa akin.

I kept my eyes on her as she recited. Baka nga hindi niya alam ang pangalan ko.
Baka hindi niya ako kilala. We were sitting across from each other, and I'm sure
she noticed me staring at her a thousand times, but she never said a word. Minsan
ay mukha pa siyang iritable kapag nakikita akong nakamasid sa kanya. She'd roll her
eyes and pucker her plump, red lips.

A small part of me was ashamed. Baka napapansin niyang lagi akong nakatingin. I
hoped she wouldn't give it meaning. Magkatapat lang talaga kami ng silya . . . kaya
ganoon.

But who was I fooling? When I was called to recite, I went against her answer . . .
kahit pa ang totoo, para sa 'kin ay wala namang tamang sagot. The antecedent and
the behavior were both to blame. Kaya lang, dahil pinapipili kami ni Ms. Lubrica,
mas binigyan ko ng pansin ang behavior.

I knew that our instructor wasn't satisfied with Mendoza's answer. Hindi naman kasi
siya maghahanap ng sasalungat dito kung hindi. She wanted another answer, so I
started to think about what I could say from that point of view.

Wala akong pakialam sa tama o mali. Her rebuttals to my arguments were compelling,
and if we weren't having a debate, I'd say she had a point. Hindi rin talaga
nagpapatalo. I liked that about her. It's just that she backed down a bit and
stuttered.

Sayang. If she made one more argument, I was sure I would give in.

Nang sabihin ni Ms. Lubrica na ako ang tama ay may parte sa akin ang gustong
magsalita pa. I really liked her as a teacher, but she was wrong this time. Nothing
should be castigated. Each situation was unique, and generalizing about what to
blame wouldn't work.

Pero hindi na ako nakaimik.

Well . . . not when someone so beautiful was glaring at me.

Iyon ang unang pagkakataon na nakuha ko ang buong atensyon ni Mendoza. Hindi ko
alam kung bakit bahagya kong ikinatuwa iyon. It may be ridiculous of me to think
so, but that was the longest time her eyes had ever been fixed on me. Kahit pa
halatang nanggagalaiti siya sa akin.

Sa ganoong bagay pala siya . . . interesado? Maybe if she didn't want to get to
know me, I should introduce myself in my own way? Should I do that? I don't know.
After all, we were classmates. Wala naman sigurong mali roon.

"Ikaw ba ang gumamit ng laptop ko?" tanong ni Nanay sa akin.

Tumango ako. "Dinala ko kanina sa treehouse, nay. Nag-search lang. Lowbatt kasi
'yong sa 'kin."

Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata. "Hindi mo naalis ang Facebook account mo."

My heart skipped a beat at that. Ibinagsak ko ang tingin sa mga hugasin at hindi na
lang siya pinansin. God, I should've been more careful!

"Amari Sloane Mendoza? Sino 'yon?"

"Kaklase lang, nay." I made sure that I didn't sound very nervous.

"Ba't nasa recent search mo?" pangungusisa niya pa.

Hindi na ako sumagot. Naramdaman ko naman ang pagtabi niya sa akin kaya alam kong
kailangan ko ring umamin agad. Hindi naman kasi niya ako titigilan kung hindi.

"Tiningnan ko. Maganda siya. Nililigawan mo?"

Kinuha ko ang basahan at pinunasan ang lababo.

"Magkaklase lang kami, nay," giit ko.

"Binata ka na talaga . . ." Humalakhak siya. "Gwapong-gwapo ang anak ko, eh. Walang
tatangging babae sa 'yo."

Napasimangot ako. Ang galing mang-asar. Paano ay alam niyang hindi naman ako
gaganti sa kanya.

"Basta't hindi mo pababayaan ang pag-aaral mo, ayos lang sa akin ang magka-
girlfriend ka. Nasa tamang edad ka na rin naman . . . at hindi na tayo hirap na
hirap. Kung kaya mong balansehin, susuportahan kita, Leon."

In spite of my rational mind's objections, I just quietly nodded. Ayoko. Hindi

dapat si . . . Mendoza. Kung papasok man ako sa relasyon ngayon, hindi puwedeng
siya ang gustuhin ko. She hated my guts. Mahihirapan akong ligawan siya. Baka
under-in pa 'ko no'n.

"At tigil-tigilan mo na ang pagyoyosi mo, ha! Amoy sigarilyo na naman ang uniform
mo kahapon!"

Nanay was the first person to know that I was interested in her. Mendoza had a
pretty name, but we weren't close enough for me to feel comfortable calling her
that. Amari Sloane.

"Kuya, pinapatawag ang magulang sa guidance . . ."

Isang umaga habang naghahanda papasok ay sinabi iyon sa akin ni Nathaniel. Sa tabi
niya ay si Nash na mukhang kinakabahan.
"Bakit?"

Nagkatinginan ang dalawa.

"Nakipagsuntukan si Nathaniel, kuya."

"What?" gulat na tanong ko. Napatigil pa ako sa paglalagay ng mga librong dadalhin
sa bag ko dahil doon.

"Si Nash ang may kaaway, kuya. Sumali lang ako kasi sinabi niyang tindera si nanay.
Nanlait . . ."

"Eh, iyakin pala." Tumawa si Nash. "Hilig mambully. Takot naman palang masapak."

I was so stressed out that morning. Hindi ko magawang pagsabihan ang kambal dahil
nakakapagod lang silang suwayin. Mga hindi rin naman kasi sumusunod. Kahit nga sa
mga gawaing-bahay, kapag nautusan ay hindi rin sila kumikilos. Sayang lang ang oras
kung pagagalitan ko sila.

They got suspended for two weeks. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin iyon kay
Nanay. She already had a lot to worry about. Hindi niya na dapat problema ito.

I was lost in my own thoughts when I saw Mendoza riding the jeep I was in. Lumampas
siya sa akin at parang mahikang nawala ang isipin ko nang maamoy ang buhok niya . .
. lalo pa't tumabi siya sa akin.

I was nervous. For no reason at all. Hindi niya yata napansing nandito rin ako.

She smelled like fresh vanilla . . . and how could someone look so pretty in the
morning? Habang ako ay baka amoy pawis na dahil galing pa ako sa school ng kambal.

I forced down a gulp of air as my attention kept coming back to her. Ni hindi ako
makapag-iwas ng tingin.

Maganda ang hubog ng panga niya at kitang-kita iyon dahil nakataas ang buhok niya.
Her sleek neck was on display, and it made a really attractive sight. Bagay na
bagay rin sa kanya ang lipstick niya. Now I couldn't help but wonder what her lips
would look like without it.

Napamura ako sa sariling takbo ng isip. Fuck, I really couldn't like her. She was
bad for me. Hindi ako kalmado kapag nasa paligid siya.

But when our gazes locked, I felt like my heart was stirring against my chest. May
kinang sa mga mata niya, ngunit nang maaninag ang mukha ko ay agad na nawala iyon.

Napataas naman ang kilay ko sa napansin. Her perfectly curled lashes suited her
almond-shaped eyes, and a fringe of baby hair had framed her forehead nicely.

She turned her gaze away, and I had to pause for a moment to collect my thoughts.

Tangina.

Walang duda.

Maganda talaga siya.

Buong byahe yata ay pigil ko ang paghinga ko. I was so conscious that I don't think
I would have been able to carry on a conversation with her. Siguradong matutulala
lang ako sa kanya. Nakakainis. I should concentrate more on the important things.
Hindi 'yong ganitong siya ang laman ng isip ko.

Hindi nga ako nagkamali na hindi ko kayang tumagal makipag-usap sa kanya dahil nang
hiramin niya ang libro ko ay kung ano-ano lang nasabi ko. I was kind of harsh, I
think. Hindi niya naman kasi dapat ako nilalapitan. Baka gawin ko lang ang gusto
kong gawin simula noong una ko siyang makita.

Baka ligawan ko lang siya.

"Nice taste, Leon . . ." pang-aasar ng mga kaibigan ko sa akin.

Umiling ako.

"Nako, mukhang hindi kayo compatible," tawanan pa nila. "Same charges repel, ika
nga."

It was embarrassing. I knew Mendoza was still watching us. She didn't like me . . .
she should understand that I wasn't into her either. Baka lalo niya lang akong
sungitan.

"She's not even my type."

Hanggang paglabas namin ng school ay inaasar pa rin nila ako pero hindi ko na lang
sila pinansin. Thaddeus was asking me about Shaira, one of my classmates and one of
Mendoza's friends. Mukhang tipo niya yata ang babae. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Ang
ingay-ingay noon.

"Pinakamaganda si Shaira sa buong department," sabi pa nito.

Kumunot agad ang noo ko. What the fuck was he saying?

"You're nuts."

Tumawa siya. "Totoo naman! Magkaroon lang ng pagkakataon ay liligawan ko 'yon."

Umiling lang ako. I couldn't accept what he said.

"Ikaw dapat ang nagsasalamin," saad ko. "Mendoza is the prettiest in the whole
school."

"Mendoza? 'Yong kaklase n'yo?"

"Sino pa?" I scoffed.

Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Shaira pa rin."

I like women with a strong personality. One who could stand up on her own and be
the hero of her life.

Marahan akong napailing sa sariling naiisip. Come on, Leon. Don't lie to yourself.
Wala ka naman talagang hinahanap na ugali ng isang babae. You just made that up in
your head because you wanted it to be about the girl you had a huge crush on.

"Maganda naman talaga si Mendoza. Mukhang nakakatakot lang siyang maging

girlfriend. Definitely not the girl for me," dagdag pa ni Thaddeus, bahagyang
umiiling.

Sarkastiko akong napatawa. "Mabuti naman."

Gulat siyang napatingin sa akin. It was as if a realization had finally clicked in
his head.

"Tangina mo! Sabi mo hindi mo type!"

I just let it pass. Wala akong ginawa sa pagkagusto ko kay Mendoza. I had decided
to content myself with just admiring her and secretly praising her achievements
whenever our instructors boasted about them in front of the class. She deserved
that. Napakasipag niyang mag-aral. Madalas siyang laman ng library at sa lahat ng
bagay, hindi siya pumapayag na hindi niya maibigay ang lahat niya.

"Bakit ka nakangiti?"

Agad akong napatingin sa pintuan ng kwarto naming magkakapatid nang makita roon si
Nanay. Kauuwi ko lang galing klase at saglit akong nagpapahinga bago tumao sa
palengke.

I was reading . . . and I didn't even realize I was already smiling.

"May convention kami sa Davao, nay."

Isinarado ko ang libro para ibigay sa kanya ang buong atensyon. Tuwing makikita
niya kasi ako sa bahay ay hindi siya nakakalimot na mangumusta. Nangyari lang
talagang nahuli niyang nakangiti ako.

Nakita ko ang pagsimangot niya. "Davao? Ang layo naman."

Marahan akong napatawa. "School naman ang magbabayad ng expenses. Ilalaban daw kasi
kami sa quiz bee."

Dahan-dahang umawang ang labi niya. She beamed and eventually walked into the room.
Nakadapa ako sa kama kaya umupo siya sa gilid ko. She then gently kissed the side
of my head.

"Ang galing naman ng Leon ko . . ." malambing na aniya.

Nag-init ang puso ko roon. "Wala pa naman, nay. Baka talo ako ro'n. Maraming
magagaling."

"Kahit na, 'no! 'Yong kinuha ka palang ng school, ibig sabihin, magaling ka!" There
was a tone of pride in her voice. "Kailan ba 'yan?

"Matagal-tagal pa. Magre-review pa kami, eh . . ."

Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at minasahe iyon. It was calloused and wrinkled. Bunga ng
walang tigil na pagtatrabaho at pagtataguyod niya sa aming magkakapatid.

"Sino-sino namang kasama mo?"

Itinutok ko lalo ang tingin sa kamay niya. "Mga teacher, nay."

"Walang ibang kaklase? Ikaw lang?"

Bahagya akong natulala nang maalala ang mukha ng makakasama kong kaklase sa Davao.

"Si . . . Mendoza," dahan-dahang saad ko. "Matalino 'yon, eh."

Nagbuntong-hininga ako nang marinig ang pagtawa niya. Simula kasi nang makita
niyang sinearch ko si Mendoza sa Facebook ay hindi niya na ako tinigilan sa pang-
aasar doon. Ngayong makakasama ko pa ang babae sa convention ay siguradong hindi
titigil si Nanay sa pang-aalaska.

"Kaya ka naman pala nakangiti!" aniya pa.

Naghanda na lang ako sa pagtao sa palengke para iwasan ang panunusko niya. Tuwang-
tuwa naman ang kambal nang makita ako. Hindi ko pa man pinapayagan ay tumakbo na
sila paalis ng tindahan para pumunta sa basketball court.

Hindi gaya nitong mga nagdaang taon, maraming nagbago sa buhay namin. We managed to
rent a retail space at a nearby market and purchase a small farm. Minsan ay
pumupunta rin kami sa Benguet dahil doon mura ang gulay. Mag-aangkat lang kami mula
roon at ibebenta namin nang mas mahal pagdating sa syudad.

I was at the treehouse that day when I received a chat that I didn't know would
make my day even better.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Thank you.

Halos matulala ako sa screen ng cellphone ko nang makita ko iyon. I felt like I was
just seeing things. Hindi kami friends sa Facebook dahil hindi ko naman siya para
i-add . . . at ganoon din siya sa akin.

We were competitors, at least in her eyes. Sa mga nakalipas na buwan, tuwing

tatawagin ako para mag-recite ay magtataas siya ng kamay para maliin ang sagot ko o
para mas pagandahin ito. Pansin ko rin ang pagsimangot niya kapag ini-a-announce na
mas mataas ang score ko sa kanya.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: You're still sad about it?

In the quiz bee earlier that day, I saw her getting really upset when she thought
she lost. She might think no one would notice it, but having watched her since the
day she walked into our room, I knew that the smile she'd given anyone was fake.
Kaunti na lang ay halatang maiiyak na siya.

Matalino si Mendoza. Hindi naman siya magiging gold medalist at top 1 ng buong BS
Psychology kung hindi. Bukod pa roon ay masipag din siya. If I didn't feel so bad
about saying it, I'd claim that she was like my girl version. We were really into
the same things. Same interests. And if I were to date her, I assumed we'd have
fun.

Hindi ako nakatulog sa kaunting palitan namin ng chat. She still didn't add me as a
Facebook friend and I did the same. Ayoko lang isipin niyang may balak akong
makipaglapit sa kanya . . . kahit pa alam kong 'yon naman ang totoo.

But then, when I saw her enter the bookstore I was in, I just found myself
surrendering to my internal monologue and letting my emotions rule me.

I made a move on her. Subtly. Kaunting pagpapahalata lang na interesado ako sa

kanya. Ewan ko ba. Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili lalo at matagal-tagal ko siyang
hindi nakita dahil sa sembreak.

"What the hell do you want from me, Zamora?"

She exuded such divine beauty that I couldn't help but be fascinated with her even
when she was furious with me. Binibigyan ko na nga siya ng voucher, siya pa ang
galit. I didn't really get it, but a part of me was happy because I could talk to
her . . . nang kaming dalawa lang.
"Add me on Facebook," I said.

Her almond-shaped eyes widened a fraction. Ang pulang labi ay bahagya ring umawang.
I had to try my best not to gaze at it too much.

"Huh?!"

Gusto kong mapangiti. She was really annoyed.

"What? Your little pride can't take it?"

Pinanood ko ang pagbabago ng ekspresyon niya nang sabihin ko iyon. From being
completely irrational to coming to some realizations . . . to finally radiating a
smile so warm it made my heart throb.

Fuck, Leon. You were so damned.

I'd always considered myself a keen observer, but when it came to her, I paid twice
as much attention. Pansin ko ang lahat sa kanya. Kapag bago ang ballpen niya, kapag
may bagong libro, kapag puyat, o kapag maganda ang gising. I looked forward to each
day of school because I knew I would see her again.

Ano kayang magiging ayos niya? Nakataas ba ang buhok o nakalugay? Would she wear
minimal makeup or go for a natural look? I was excited by all of that.

Simula rin noong maging friends kami sa Facebook ay lagi kong tinitingnan kung
online ba siya o hindi. I would go at the treehouse just to check. Kapag hanggang
madaling-araw ay online pa siya, doon ako sa treehouse natutulog. Hindi ko naman
siya china-chat. Nakakahiya kasi. Baka isipin niya ay papansin ako.

Still, I tried to find ways to chat with her. Nagboluntaryo akong mag-send ng
lecture points sa kanya kahit na alam kong hindi niya naman iyon kailangan. Her
little "thanks" was enough to make my day . . . lalo pa at sabay kaming umaalis sa
bahay ni Ms. Lubrica tuwing matatapos ang review.

I was okay with our set-up. Ayaw niya sa 'kin pero gusto ko siya. She wouldn't
think I was hitting on her because she hated me. Ayos lang sa 'kin 'yon. Basta
nakakausap ko siya at hindi niya ako tuluyang itinataboy.

I thought everything that would happen in Davao would somehow improve our
relationship. She cried to me, and I swore to myself that day that I would protect
her no matter what.

"Sorry. Napuwing lang."

At that moment, I realized that behind this strong-looking woman was a child
longing to be saved . . . waiting to be made whole again . . . wanting to be held.
I realized that, after all this time, her hostility was just a mask for the sorrow
and weight she was trying so hard to conceal.

Hindi pinatagal ng mundo ang pag-aasam kong mas makilala pa siya. It wasn't my
intention, but I overheard her and her father talking. Alam kong sikreto iyon,
ngunit hindi ko nagustuhan ang sinabi nito sa kanya. It made her really sad. The
dark gloom that was etched into her eyes was a solid proof of that.

"Nagyoyosi ka pala . . ." she told me.

She avoided the topic. I would respect that. Ni hindi ko nga dapat iyon narinig.
"Yeah . . . kapag may iniisip," sagot ko. "Why?"

May maliit na parte sa akin ang kinabahan dahil baka itanong niya kung ano ang
naiisip ko.

I mean, I was just thinking about her. Sinabi kasi niyang lumaki siya sa ampunan. I
didn't know why, but it made me even more worried about her. Kahit pa may mga
kaibigan naman siya ay hindi ko maiwasang gustuhing alagaan siya. Though my
upbringing was far from ideal, I always felt the love of my mother. Gusto kong
iparanas sa kanya 'yon. It might not be the love she was looking for, but I wanted
to give her all the love she could ask for.

'Yong pagmamahal na hindi niya na kakailanganin ang papuri ng iba. 'Yong pagmamahal
na kayang patahimikin ang ingay sa utak niya. 'Yong pagmamahal na kayang ipaalala
sa kanya araw-araw na hindi siya mag-isa.

Nakita ko ang bahagyang pagnguso niya. Napakurap tuloy ako at agad na napatigil sa
pag-iisip. Why was she pouting? She didn't like men who smoke?

"You hate it?" I asked.

She chuckled, and I was once again enthralled. I didn't even know a chuckle could
sound that beautiful.

"Bakit? Kapag sinabi ko bang oo, ititigil mo?"

I muttered a lot of curses in my head. Cigarettes had become my go-to stress

reliever. Kung hindi niya gusto . . .

"That's hard."

"See?"

I sighed. Bahala na.

"But I will."

Wala pa man ay rinig ko na ang suway sa akin ni Nanay. She told me a million times
to quit smoking, and I didn't quite listen to her. Tapos kay Mendoza . . . isang
sabi lang, parang kaya ko agad sundin. She had really cast a spell on me. Ever
since I laid my eyes upon her, alam na alam kong kaya niya akong kontrolin.

During the quiz bee, I got a glimpse of how smart she could be. She had a laser-
like focus on her goals . . . which was a big reason why I liked her. Diretso ang
tingin niya sa hinaharap. She planned out her steps to success and meticulously
fulfilled them.

"Last question, hopefully . . . ito 'yong paniniwala natin na mahal lang tayo ng
iba kapag may nakukuha sila sa 'tin at mahalaga lang tayo kapag naibibigay natin
'yong gusto nila. We believe that our parents will adore us if we get good grades.
They will look after us, but only if we can be something of a trophy for them.
They'll acknowledge us, but only if we continue to behave like good dogs and do
everything they say."

Nang itanong iyon ng host ay napatingin ako kay Mendoza. She looked sad and
confused as she wrote down her answer.

I knew the answer. I really do. Alam kong inilagay ko iyon sa notepad ko.
But I had no idea what was wrong with me because I couldn't remember it.

Ang tanging nasa utak ko ay ang tanong at kung paanong nagsakto iyon sa
pinagdadaanan niya. That must have been why she looked sad. She remembered her
father.

I hated it. I hated the sight of her gloomy eyes. It made me forget everything. I
just wanted to go over to her and sit next to her. Gusto kong malaman niya na may
ibang tao na bilib sa abilidad niya . . . na handang maghintay hanggang sa maniwala
rin siya sa sarili niya.

Hindi ko namalayan ang oras. Nang ipataas sa amin ang white board ay wala akong
naging sagot.

As soon as I saw her beam with pride as she accepted the medal for which she had
worked so hard, I realized that I was the one who won.

Sa kanya ang medalya at pagkilala, sa akin naman ang magandang ngiti niya.

At that very instance, I realized that my feelings for her had gone above and
beyond my expectations. Hindi ko na lang siya gusto. Hindi na lang ito dahil
nagagandahan ako sa kanya o dahil bumibilib ako sa abilidad na mayroon siya.

I was in love with her.

Hindi ko na para lokohin ang sarili. She had me in the palm of her hand. She had
total control over me. I didn't even know when it started. Basta ang alam ko, hindi
ito simpleng paghanga na lang.

I found it funny. Hindi kami madalas mag-usap, pero ganito na ang nararamdaman ko
sa kanya. I wondered if my attraction to her was superficial, but I was sure that
it went deeper than her looks.

Amari was perfect for me. My specific type. My ideal girl.

She was unstoppable once she set her mind to something . . . and that was
beautiful. To know what you like. To not give up on it. To continue to improve
yourself.

I wanted her to know how I felt about her. Ramdam kong umaayos na ang relasyon
namin. She was casually talking to me, and she even nodded cutely when I once asked
her if she liked more rice. Alam kong napakaliit na bagay lang noon . . . pero wala
naman sigurong masama kung sasabihin kong gusto kong manligaw, 'di ba?

I prepared myself. Lumayo pa ako kina Zoey at Ms. Lubrica para kalmahin ang sarili.
I stood in front of the sea, asking the heavens for guidance.

That was until I felt something hit my back.

"Alam mo 'yong sagot, 'di ba?!"

It was Amari. She looked furious . . . and it wasn't the same type of fury she had
given me before. Mas madilim ang mga mata niya. Puno ng poot at pag-aakusa.

Dahan-dahan kong dinampot ang notepad ko, bahagyang nanginginig ang kamay.

"Kung alam ko, dapat sinulat ko . . ." sagot ko sa kanya.

She didn't buy it. Halos manghina ako nang makita ang pagkislap ng luha sa mga mata
niya.

No, no. She was so upset with me that she would cry. What would I do? Hindi ko
naman talaga sinadyang matalo.

"Alam mo 'yong sagot, Leon!" she shouted.

Leon.

She finally addressed me by my first name, but she was enraged. It didn't sound
beautiful. Ayoko ng tunog.

I was at a loss for words. Gusto kong magmakaawa sa kanya para lang maniwala siya
sa akin.

"Hindi nga . . ." was all I could say.

A tear escaped her eye, making me lose all the hope I had kept in my heart.

"Putangina, alam mo 'yong sagot!"

I didn't know what to do. My Amari was crying because of me. Parang hindi ko kayang
panoorin.

I tried to calm her but to no avail. Galit na galit siya sa akin. My desire to
confess my feelings to her had vanished into thin air.

"Why, Leon?! Do you like me?!"

Gustong-gusto kong umoo. I liked her ever since I first heard her voice. I liked
her ever since she walked into our room. I liked her ever since she started
reciting notably in class. I liked everything about her. Kahit ang pagsusungit niya
sa akin ay hinahanap-hanap ko.

But I knew deep down that I couldn't tell her about my love for her when she was
this mad. Sa oras na umamin ako sa kanya, maiisip niyang sinadya kong magpatalo
para sa kanya. I wanted to be furious with whoever had put her in this mindset.
Matalino siya . . . bakit ba wala siyang bilib sa sarili niya na kaya niyang manalo
laban sa akin?

"I have no feelings for you."

That lie pained me. Wala na. Hindi na ako makakaamin sa kanya. Kailangan ko na
ngayong itago ang nararamdaman ko. The little budding friendship I had thought
would blossom into something more lasting had ended.

"You can calm down now. Walang dahilan para pagbigyan kitang manalo kasi hindi kita
gusto."

When she turned her back on me, I felt like she had taken a piece of my heart with
her.

Natapos na kami bago pa man kami makapagsimula.

"Leon, ito raw 'yong libro mo sabi ni Mari . . ." saad ni Zoey sa akin nang ilapag
niya sa harap ko ang DSM-5-TR.

I lost track of the days, but I knew for sure that Amari had decided to cut ties
with me . . . even if there were no ties, to begin with.

Posible pala 'yon. Posible palang ma-miss mo ang isang taong hindi naman naging sa
'yo. Kung noon ay galit siya sa akin, ngayon ay para na lang akong hangin sa kanya.

I tried to chat with her several times, but my messages never got through. Ni hindi
manlang nagde-deliver. Alam kong wala na akong pag-asa. Ayaw na talaga sa akin ni
Amari.

"Blocked ka siguro," sabi ni Thaddeus nang tanungin ko siya tungkol doon.

Lalo akong nanlumo. It was really over, wasn't it? What would I do with all these
feelings now? Ang hirap-hirap panoorin siyang walang pakialam sa akin. I hated it.
I hated the thought that I never had the chance to prove myself to her.

Gusto ko si Amari. Gustong-gusto ko si Amari. Pero ano'ng gagawin ko kung ayaw

niya?

Gagawin ko ang lahat para lang bumalik ang kahit katiting na atensyon niya sa akin.
May it be a roll of her eyes or a hard look whenever I recite in class . . . basta
kaunting emosyon lang. Ayoko nang ganitong wala lang ako sa kanya.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Hi, Leon. Are you free to chat?

Napakunot ang noo ko roon. It was so random. Nakilala ko lang si Psyche dahil anak
siya ng may-ari na ngayon ng lupain ni Nanay. Her father was the one my father got
indebted to.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Yeah, why?

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Heard you do all kinds of work.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Be direct. I have tons of duties at hand.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Hahaha. Sungit.

Sineen ko na lang siya. I had no time for her.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: I have an offer.

I sighed heavily. Ano bang gusto niya?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: What offer?

Medyo natagalan siya bago nag-reply.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: I'll transfer to your university because that's where my
fiancé was studying. I need you to act like you're my boyfriend.

I had to move my glasses to see if I wasn't imagining things. Ano ang nasa utak
niya at iniisip niyang papayag ako sa kalokohan niya? To hell I care about her and
her fiancé.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Before you turn me down, you should know that the price I
could offer you was exactly what you've wanted since you were a kid.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Your mother's property.

Doon niya nakuha ang atensyon ko. Nanay wanted that land not only because it could
give her more sources of revenue, but also because her father had given it to her!

Pero . . . paano si Amari? Kapag nalaman niyang may relasyon kami ni Psyche . . .
ano'ng iisipin niya?

I closed my eyes and thought about it thoroughly. Matutuwa si Nanay kapag nailipat
sa kanya ang pangalan ng lupa. Kung magkakataon, hindi niya na rin kailangang araw-
araw na tumao sa palengke dahil puwede na siyang magtayo ng sarili niyang
plantasyon. Mas malaki kasi iyon sa lupang tinitirikan ng treehouse.

Bahala na. Sigurado namang walang pakialam si Amari dahil hindi niya ako gusto.
Bakit ko ba iniisip na magseselos siya?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: When are you planning to transfer?

Sinubukan kong i-chat si Amari tungkol doon pero hindi siya nag-reply. I just
wanted to let her know what was going on . . . kahit pa hindi iyon puwede sa
kontrata namin ni Psyche.

Needless to say, I accepted her offer. I held her hand in public, letting everyone
know about our fake relationship. Ayaw niya sa pakakasalan niya dahil hindi niya
naman daw ito personal na kilala. She told me in no uncertain terms how much she
hated her mother's plan to marry her off.

Ayokong makikita kami ni Amari pero hindi naman malaki ang mundong ginagalawan
namin. Kahit na kasi alam kong hindi naman siya magseselos, may parte pa rin sa
akin ang gustong ipakita sa kanya na siya pa rin ang mahal ko.

I missed her so much. I missed her smiles and pouts. I missed her being near me.

Marami ang nagkakagusto sa kanya . . . at harap-harapan kong nakita 'yon nang

pumasok ako sa club kung saan ginanap ang birthday ni Maricar.

My girl was inside a club, talking to a man in front of her, looking as beautiful
as ever.

Paolo was very lucky. Sana ganoon na lang din ang pang-aasar sa akin ng mga kaklase
namin. Sana maipakita ko rin sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi 'yong ganitong ako
lang ang nakakaalam kung gaano kalalim ang pagkahumaling ko sa kanya.

I ended up not entering the club. Hindi kaya ng mata ko. I was jealous . . .
pained. Gusto kong magkapalit kami ng posisyon ni Paolo. Gusto kong malaman din ng
lahat na gusto ko si Amari. Gusto kong sa akin siya asarin. I liked her first! I
knew a lot about her that no one else did! Alam ko kapag mababaw ang tulog niya.
Alam ko kapag hindi niya gusto ang menu sa canteen. Alam ko kapag may hindi siya
naiintidihan sa discussion.

It was so unfair. Ako dapat 'yon. Ako dapat ang kausap niya. Ako dapat ang
tinutukso nila. Why did Paolo manage to take the short cut? Why was he in my place?

And if it wasn't enough torture, they went outside the club together while I was
smoking in the alley.

They talked casually. Walang sigawan o palitan ng asaran. They had a conversation
that Amari and I never had the chance to have.

"That must be Paolo," I told her when Paolo left to buy her coffee.

It was so irresponsible of him. Madilim na at hindi niya dapat iniwang mag-isa rito
si Amari.

"Stop your habit of eavesdropping. Hindi magandang tingnan," iritableng saad niya.

That was the first time we'd spoken since the summer convention, and I missed her
so much that I could stare at her for hours.

"Galit ka pa rin sa 'kin?" tanong ko.

I was hoping she'd say yes. Para kahit papaano, alam kong may pakialam pa rin siya
sa 'kin. I'd rather have her angry at me than treat me as if I didn't exist.

"Pa rin?" She chuckled, breaking my heart even more. "When did I get mad?"

Looking at her made the void between us feel deeper. Miss na miss ko na siya. Kahit
ayaw niya sa 'kin at kahit minsan ay puno ng pandidiri ang mukha niya kapag malapit
ako . . . miss na miss ko na siya.

We didn't have much to remember. Wala akong masyadong babaunin. She became my
motivation to go to school every day. Siguro ay mababaw para sa kanya ang kaunting
araw na ginugol namin nang magkasama . . . pero para sa 'kin, wala iyong katumbas
na saya.

I got to know her better. I got to serve her. I got to see her up close.

"Ahh . . . 'yong sa Davao ba?" she asked, putting a halt to my thoughts. "Wala na
'yon! Maybe you're right. I won because I did my best."

A searing pain rushed through my chest. Wala na 'yon? My happiest days meant
nothing to her? Wow. That . . . hurt.

But then again, I was always her slave.

"Do you plan . . ." I stalled.

"Hmm?"

I could hear the sound of my heart breaking even before hearing her answer.

"To entertain him?"

"Si Paolo?"

Hindi ako sumagot. I listened to how her voice sounded when she called him by his
first name and compared it to how she called me by mine. Mas may lambing ang kay
Paolo. Mas masarap sa tainga.

"Baka," sagot niya. "Ang tagal ko na ring single, eh. I miss going on dates. Kaya
kung may date ideas ka d'yan, just tell me."

Bigong-bigo ako nang pumasok sa loob ng club. Inihatid ko lang ng tingin si Amari
hanggang dahil susundan niya raw si Paolo sa convenience store.

I remember doing a lot of shit that night. Hindi ko alam kung bakit naniwala siyang
sumunod kami nina Thaddeus at Shaira sa kanila para bumili ng alak. It was a club,
for heaven's sake. Wala lang talaga akong naisip na rason.

Amari congratulated me on my relationship. I hate her . . . I really hate her. Kaya

niya akong saktan nang ganoon kadali. Totoo ngang kapag nagmahal ka, binibibigyan
mo rin ang taong 'yon ng pagkakataon para durugin ka.

And Amari had that over me. I could tell she wanted closure because the tension
between us was overwhelming . . . but I didn't! Hindi niya dapat tuldukan na lang
lahat ng 'to. I knew that our chances of being together were already over, but a
small part of me was still holding on. I love her. I'm still so in love with her.
Hindi ko pa siya kayang bitawan.

"Mas gusto kong galit ka . . ." I admitted. "Just stay mad for a little while,
hmm?"

"Ano ba?!" she dismissed.

I shivered at the coldness of her voice. Ang layo-layo na nang hahabulin ko sa 'yo,
Amari.

"Keep glaring at me, keep murdering me in your head, keep wishing the worst for
me." Please don't forget about me and the littlest memories we shared. "Hold on
tightly. I'm coming to get something, too."

Matapos lang ang kontrata ko kay Psyche, maglalakas loob akong ligawan siya. It
didn't matter if she rejected me. Basta malaman niya lang ang nararamdaman ko. I
couldn't stand seeing her with another guy. I might transfer schools if she starts
dating Paolo Ramos.

Kinulit ko siya sa chat ko . . . lalo at naalis na yata ako sa blocked list niya.
It was enough for me. At least, may paraan para kausapin ko siya. Her replies to my
chats were painful, but more bearable than not talking to her at all.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You never listen, do you? Ipapaalala ko lang sa 'yo na hindi
porke't magkaibigan tayo sa Facebook ay magkaibigan na tayo sa totoong buhay.
Instead of fretting about me, you should set your sights on your fiancé and get the
hell away from me. And please know your fucking place in my life! Sino ka ba sa
akala mo?

I was taken aback when I received that. Every word hit my heart. She really knew
how to hurt me. Hindi nga ako nagkamali. Hindi talaga siya ang tipo ko sa babae
dahil alam kong kayang-kaya niya akong patayin sa sakit.

And what . . . fiancé? Since when did I have a fiancé?

"Who told you I have a fiancé?" tanong ko kay Amari nang makaalis lahat ng tao sa
room.

"Does it matter?" masungit na sagot niya.

"Is it Psyche?"

Pabalang siyang tumawa. "Bakit ba natin pinag-uusapan 'to? I'm here for the written
—"

"Is it Psyche?" mas madiing tanong ko.

I looked at her, rage rising in my chest.

"Hindi ko naman ipagkakalat!" Huh, like it mattered. "B-Bakit sa akin ka

nagagalit?"

I stood up and marched toward her.

"A-Ano?!" she yelled.

"Did Psyche tell you that lie?" I asked, letting my eyes wander around her face.

Galit na galit ako. Hindi ko alam kung kanino. I was only a few inches away from
her, and the fact that she looked so beautiful even when she was shocked was so
calming.

Umawang ang mapupulang labi niya at namilog ang mga mata.

Yes, baby. I didn't have a fiancé. If I were to marry someone, it would be you.

I ended up telling her the nature of my relationship with Psyche. It was against
the contract, but I couldn't give her the assurance that I liked her when she
thought I was engaged! At bakit nagpapakalat nang ganoon si Psyche?! She knew I
liked Amari! She asked me about it because she caught me staring at her so many
times when we were together!

"Labas na ako sa kung ano'ng meron sa inyo. You can make it real for all I care!"

Ayan ang sinabi niya matapos kong ipunin ang lakas ng loob para umamin sa kanya.

"There's someone I really like at the moment, so I don't think I can do that."

Please, baby. Take a hint. It's you. It's always been you.

"Save it. Wala sabi akong pake!"

"I didn't confess because I was afraid she'd think I'd just paved the path for her
every time she would win against me." I felt hopeless. "Ganoon kababa ang tingin
niya sa sarili niya. Na pinagbibigyan lang siya kapag nananalo siya."

"Are you done? Can we proceed to what we need to do now?"

She was cold . . . indifferent. Hindi ko kayang tagalan.

"Don't worry, I've taken a hint now, and I already know my fucking place." I should
be fine with what she can offer. "I'm only a rival to you, and I need to stay there
because that's the only way I can be a part of your life."

It was an indirect confession. Hindi ko alam kung tama bang minahal ko siya dahil
hindi naman dapat ganito kasakit ang umpisa. I should have listened to my head, not
my heart. Hindi siguro dapat ako nagpadala sa kagustuhan kong makilala siya. Kasi
ngayong lunod na ako sa nararamdaman ko sa kanya, parang imposible nang makaahon pa
ako.

"Alangang sabihin kong hindi ikaw ang fiancé ko? Eh, ikaw ang nakakasama ko sa
school!" saad ni Psyche nang komprontahin ko siya tungkol doon. "Malay ko bang siya
ang kukunin ng nanay ko na makeup artist? She literally told everyone there that I
had a date with my fiancé!"

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself.

"What else did you tell her?"

She pouted . . . and I knew I was fucked.

"Psyche, what else did you tell Amari?"

Lalo siyang sumimangot. "Why do you even like her? She looks lifeless! She's
masungit and very formal when speaking!"

Hindi mo kasi ka-close. I wanted to answer.

"Don't talk shit about her," I said. "I'm asking you. What else did you tell her?"

She cleared her throat. "Well, uhm . . . I invented some stuff."

Muling umahon ang inis sa loob ko. "What stuff, Maria Psyche?"

"That you proposed to me last week." She smiled awkwardly. "And that you like
kissing me with red lipstick on."

Hindi ko alam kung ilang mura ang napakawalan ko nang araw na 'yon. Kung hindi lang
dahil sa lupang pangako niya ay hindi ko talaga para tanggapin ang offer. We
started transferring the land to Nanay's name, and I saw her shed a tear when she
found out she'd get her property back.

"Leon, anak ko! Maraming salamat, anak ko!" Pinugpog niya ng halik ang mukha ko. "I
love you, anak! I love you! Mahal na mahal na mahal ka ni Nanay! Pasensya na at
ikaw ang nahihirapan dahil sa atin . . ."

Niyakap ko lang siya. Hindi niya alam ang tunay na dahilan kung paano ko maibabalik
sa kanya ang lupain. Psyche and I pretended that I had pulled some strings and told
her that no one could take the property from her because she hadn't signed it as
collateral. Hindi naman na siya nagtanong ng mga detalye. She was just happy that
she would get it back.

Bukod sa pagpoproseso ng lupa, alam kong may isang bagay pa akong dapat gawin.

"I like you so much, Mendoza."

Time was ticking away too slowly with all this waiting around. Ayoko nang
paghintayin pa ang nararamdaman ko. Baka ito na ang tamang oras para sa 'min.

"If it isn't clear to you . . . if it isn't obvious to you . . ." dahan-dahan kong
sabi. "Gustong-gusto kita."

Happiness tore at my chest. God, I was so in love with her. I wish she could see my
heart.

That started everything I dreamed of ever since I saw her.

I flirted with her, and some of our classmates who were aware of my feelings for
her teased us. Tuluyang nawala si Paolo Ramos sa larawan dahil hindi rin pala siya
gusto ni Amari. I was over the moon. Pakiramdam ko ay wala nang makakaalis sa
sayang nag-uumapaw sa puso ko.

Sa bawat araw na magkasama kami, mas nahuhulog ang loob ko sa kanya. Even the
thesis writing excited me. Nadala ko siya sa bahay, sa treehouse, at naipakilala ko
pa sa mga kapatid ko.

And when I first hugged her, I knew I'd spend the rest of my life loving her.

Pero hindi pa nagtatagal ay binawi na agad ng mundo ang sayang naramdaman ko.

"Ms. Mendoza is a good speaker, but, of course, we need more," Ma'am Abulencia
shrugged as she told us that our thesis would have the chance to join the research
congress, but only one was supposed to defend it . . . and she had chosen me.

Kinabahan ako sa takbo ng usapang 'yon. I tried to tell her that it was Amari's
forte, but to no avail. Alam kong ayaw ni Amari na ikukumpara kami sa isa't isa . .
. lalo pa't 'yon din ang madalas na sabihin sa kanya ni Mr. Mendoza.

"Kapag napili ang study natin, ikaw na ang mag-present. Hindi naman ako magaling
do'n," sabi ko sa kanya nang makalabas kami sa faculty room.

I meant it . . . and I was so nervous she'd get mad.

Pabalang siyang tumawa. "Didn't you hear Ma'am? I don't need your pity, Zamora."

"I'm not trying to sympathize with you," I insisted. "This is for our study, and I
really think you can do better than me."

"The society needs more. Hindi mo ba naintindihan? Iniisip ni Ma'am na ikaw lang
ang may kaya no'n. Tingin mo ba, matapos kong harap-harapang marinig na mas
magaling ka sa 'kin, kaya ko pang i-present ang punyetang thesis na 'yan?"

It was starting. My fear was starting to unravel.

"Just enjoy your victory and stop looking out for me all the time. Dahil kung ako
ang nasabihang mas magaling kaysa sa 'yo, I'll wear it like a fucking medal!"

I was so offended. Ang talas niya talagang magsalita. Parang nalilimutan niyang tao
rin ang kausap niya.

But still, I tried to understand her. She was pressured. Talagang sa akin niya lang
naibunton ang galit dahil sa akin siya naikumpara.

I still did our routine the next day, even though that had happened, only to find
her already sitting in the room and me? Marked as absent. Na-late ako dahil
hinintay ko siya sa kanto ng apartment niya . . . gaya ng lagi naming ginagawa.

I was so disappointed. Ayoko nang ganitong ugali niya. Nakakainis. She was ready to
kick me out for a little recognition. She could celebrate my failure. I knew she
didn't actually like me. . . but that was too much.

It was wrong, and I wanted to teach her a lesson for that. Mahal ko siya pero hindi
ko kayang pahuntulutan ang ganoong ugali niya.

From: My Amari

Hi. The exams are approaching. Do you want to study with me? I'll be at the library
after our class. Nagdala rin ako ng lunch kung sakaling sasabay ka.

That was her first message after our dispute. Ni hindi manlang siya nag-sorry.

I gave her the silent treatment. I ignored her messages and her attempts to talk to
me. Ayokong masanay siya sa ganoong ugali. She didn't even bother to send me at
least an apology for acting that way.

I'd seen her effort, but I tried not to be swayed by it. Isang sorry lang ang
hinihintay ko. Hindi niya pa 'yon magawa.

I got all the meals she gave to street children, and I just paid them the right
amount. Kahit naman kasi nagtatampo ako sa kanya ay gusto kong ako pa rin ang
kakain ng lahat ng niluluto niya.

Hindi rin nagtagal ay tumigil siya sa panunuyo sa akin. I got nervous at that.
Hindi na siya lumalapit o nagte-text. Madalas ay nakikita ko pa siyang tulog na
tulog sa room. Kahit may klase. It was so unlike her that I started to worry about
her.

Bahala na. Gusto ko siyang lapitan . . . kumustahin. I couldn't let the wall
separate the two of us. Gusto ko lang namang mabasa sa text niya ang paghingi niya
ng paumanhin. Iyon lang. Hindi niya na kailangang gawin ang kahit na ano . . .
basta mag-sorry lang siya.

She looked tired every day. Parang laging kulang ang tulog. Had she been eating?
Why did she look so worn out?

Leon, it's time to let go of your pride. You can't just leave your girl like that.

"Gusto kita, Leon . . ." Nalaglag ang luha niya. "Gustong-gusto rin kita . . .
kahit nahuli ako."

I just wanted an apology, and that's what I got.

While she was looking like a dream in her black sando, she told me how she felt
about me.

Ang saya-saya ko. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi siya totoo . . . at anumang oras ay

magigising din ako mula sa pagkakahimbing.

That breathtakingly beautiful Amari Sloane Mendoza I've admired ever since I laid
eyes on her has now confessed her feelings for me. Parang panaginip. Parang malayo
sa realidad.

We kissed each other. Behind that tall tree while everyone was having a good time.
Beside those big tents while the sun was about to set. Even though the world that
we lived in was nothing but chaos, I knew I had found a little corner of heaven
right here on Earth.

Nagsimula ang relasyon naming dalawa. Hindi ko nga alam na posible palang lalo pa
akong mahulog sa kanya. She was so goal-driven and passionate. Kapag kasama ko
siya, parang kaya ko lahat. Tanggal ang pagod at mga pagdududa. Mahawakan ko lang
ang kamay o makita ang ngiti sa labi niya, pakiramdam ko ay kaya kong lupigin ang
mundo.

I loved her in a good way. It just came out naturally. As much as possible, I tried
to meet her halfway. I wanted to find a middle ground so that things could work
out.

Mahal na mahal ko siya. Natatakot akong masakal siya sa pag-ibig na mayroon ako
para sa kanya.

Our relationship was unmatched. Hindi perpekto, ngunit lahat ng maliliit na bagay,
basta tungkol sa kanya, ay mahalaga sa akin. I was her number-one fan. The biggest
supporter of her. Sa lahat ng mga ginagawa niya, sa lahat ng mga tagumpay, gusto
kong ako ang may pinakamalakas na palakpak sa umpok ng mga tao.

"Bakit hindi po Summa Cum Laude si Mendoza? Halos parehas lang naman kami ng
average . . ." tanong ko kay Ms. Lubrica matapos ang announcement ng mga may Latin
honors.
"She's short by 0.02. Sayang nga."

Akala ko ay magagalit sa akin si Amari dahil doon. Pabalik ng room ay kinakabahan

ako.

Pero hindi pa man ako tuluyang nakakapasok sa loob ay lumabas na siya at hinigit
ako sa gilid. The hallways were empty because classes were still ongoing. She
looked thrilled. May kakaiba ring kinang ang mga mata niya.

"Sorr—"

She leaned forward and kissed me on both cheeks, cutting me off completely.

"I love you," malambing na bulong niya.

My heart skipped a beat.

"I'm very proud of you, my Summa Cum Laude . . ."

Minsan lang siya maglambing kaya iba ang tama sa akin kapag ganito siya. I was so
happy that I could cry. Nakakatanga . . . pero walang mapaglagyan ang kasiyahan sa
puso ko dahil sa kanya.

"Mahal mo talaga si Amari, 'no?" tanong ni Nanay sa akin habang nasa sala kami.

Nakaupo siya sa sofa habang nasa sahig naman ako. She was softly caressing my hair.
Sa treehouse dapat ako matutulog pero naabutan ko siya sa labas na hinihintay
makauwi ang kambal. I sat and waited with her. Sa isang linggo ay alis na rin namin
ni Amari papunta sa Italy. Hindi ko man aminin sa kanya, alam kong mami-miss ko ang
lambing at pag-aalaga niya.

"Sino'ng hindi magmamahal sa kanya, nay?" Napangiti ako nang maalala ang mukha ng
kasintahan. "Pasalamat pa nga ako at pumatol siya sa akin."

Narinig ko ang pagtawa niya. "Gwapo ka, 'no! Ayan nga't kung sino-sino na sa
palengke ang nagrereto ng anak nila sa 'kin. Ipakilala ko raw sa 'yo."

"Ano namang sabi mo?"

"May maganda kang girlfriend, syempre! At hindi kayo maghihiwalay hangga't

nabubuhay ako!"

Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at marahang hinaplos iyon. Kahit na nasa amin ang lupain
niya ay wala namang nagbago sa amin. Dahil matagal nang natengga, kailangan pa
naming patambakan iyon para pumatag ang lupa. It was a major undertaking. Malaki
ang magagastos at hindi puwedeng ubusin doon ang ipon namin. Gustong mag-doctor ni
Nathaniel. Kailangan naming magtulong para makapasok siya sa med school.

I kissed the back of her hand and closed my eyes. Kaunti na lang, nay. Titigil ka
na rin sa pagtatrabaho. Ibibigay ko ang buhay na nararapat para sa 'yo. I will make
you proud . . . I promise you that.

"Alagaan mo si Amari do'n, hmm? Marami nang napagdaanan ang batang 'yon. 'Wag mo
siyang bibigyan ng sama ng loob . . . at hangga't maaari, ikaw ang umintindi. Alam
kong siya na ang pakakasalan mo. Magsimula na kayong mag-ipon para do'n."

"Magpapadala muna ako sa inyo, nay. 'Yon ang usapan namin. May mga padadalhan din
kasi siya rito."
Hinampas niya ang balikat ko. "Kahit 'wag na! Hindi naman ako hirap na hirap, 'no!"

It was a lie. Kita ko ang mahihinang pagdaing niya minsan. Ang pagmasahe sa
sariling likuran dahil sa ngalay. Ang pagtunog ng buto dahil sa pagod.

"Nay . . ."

"Hmm?"

"Alagaan mo ang sarili mo, ha?"

Hinalikan niya ang tuktok ng ulo ko. "Oo naman. 'Wag kang mag-alala sa 'kin."

"Babawi po ako sa inyo ng kambal. Pangako po 'yan . . ."

"Hindi na kailangan. Hindi na mahina at iyakin si Nanay," bulong niya. "Kailangan

mong mag-invest sa future mo, Leon. Huwag mong hahayaang pagdaanan ng magiging anak
mo ang mga pinagdaanan mo . . ."

Nanikip ang dibdib ko. "'Wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo dahil naging ganito ang
buhay natin, nay. Masaya po akong tumulong sa inyo . . . at sa susunod na buhay
natin, ipagdarasal ko pong kayo ulit ang nanay ko."

Niyakap niya ako at marahang hinalikan sa pisngi. Naramdaman ko ang luha sa mukha
niya nang gawin iyon.

"Salamat, anak ko. Ikaw ang pinakamalaking biyayang natanggap ko mula sa Diyos.
Tatandaan mo lagi 'yan."

Unang mga buwan namin ni Amari sa Italy ay inulan na agad kami ng mga pagsubok. She
turned cold again. It was like her ghosts had come back to life. Ayaw niyang
ikinukumpara kami . . . at ganoon din naman ako. Hindi niya ako kalaban. At sa
lahat ng pagkakataon, sa kanya lang ako kakampi.

We had gotten into a huge fight because I couldn't take her attitude again. Sa akin
niya na naman ibinubunton ang inis . . . ang galit. Nalaman kasi niyang may offer
sa akin ang PAI at gusto niyang tanggapin ko iyon.

How could I take that offer while our relationship was in shambles? Kapag lumayo
ako sa kanya, baka hindi magtagal ay makipaghiwalay rin siya sa akin.

"Yes! Because I don't always need help, Leon!" she shouted at me. "Magaling ka na,
eh! Hayaan mo na lang ako! Kailangan bang lagi kitang pagsabihan at ilingan para
hindi ka makisabat kapag may nagagalit sa 'kin?"

Ramdam ko ang panunuot ng sakit sa dibdib ko. My baby's demons were rising from the
dead. And at that moment, I knew I didn't have the strength to face them again.

"You always make me feel small and weak! You always make me feel like I need your
help! Hihingi ako ng tulong kung gusto ko! Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan 'yon?!
Tapos ngayon, ano'ng rason mo kung bakit hindi mo tinanggap 'yong offer?! Ako?!
Kasi hindi mo ako maiwan?! Langya naman, Leon!"

Umiling ako. Was I wrong for wanting to protect her? Nasasakal na ba siya sa
pagmamahal at pag-aalaga ko?

"I'm not a jail, Leon, and you're not my prisoner. Kung makukulong ka lang sa
pagmamahal mo sa 'kin, kung matatakot kang lumayo dahil lang iniisip mo 'ko . . .
tigilan na lang natin 'to."
That was my last piece.

"Don't you dare say that, Amari!" I shouted. "I'm trying to stay sane even if I
feel like you don't want me anymore! I'm trying to be as patient as possible until
you smile at me again when I accomplish something!"

I'm sorry, nay. I can't be the bigger person now.

Takot akong maging magaling kapag nasa paligid siya. She had so many insecurities,
and I was one of them. Hindi dapat ganoon. Ako dapat ang mag-aalis ng inggit niya .
. . hindi ang maging ugat ng lahat ng 'yon.

I held back my tears. Mahal ko siya, pero ngayon, gusto ko munang magpahinga.

But the world was too cruel to let me rest.

"Leon, anak, nahulihan ng drugs ang kambal . . ."

It was one of the lowest points in my life. Naisip ko agad si Nanay na mag-isang
hinaharap doon ang lahat, ang mga kapatid ko na sira na ang kinabukasan at ang mga
tao sa paligid nila na siguradong sila ang laman ng usapan.

Everything fell apart . . . and it was too hard for me to manage them. Halos buong
sweldo ko ay ipinapadala ko sa kanila. Nagbayad din kami ng abogado kahit na umamin
naman ang kambal sa akin na totoong sinubukan nilang mag-droga. Hindi ako makakain
sa labis na pag-aalala sa kanila. Tuluyang isinarado ni Nanay ang tindahan sa
palengke dahil sa mga bulung-bulungan. She completely locked herself in our house,
crying all day long.

Gusto kong umuwi. Kailangan ako ng pamilya ko.

I wouldn't lie, but at that time, I had totally taken my mind off Amari. I ignored
her attempts to communicate with me. I felt so bad for her because I knew she
didn't deserve to be treated this way, but my head was all messed up. Parang wala
akong karapatang sabihing mahal ko siya dahil mas naghahari ang pangamba sa dibdib
ko.

She was there for me during my lowest moments. She went alongside me, firmly
holding my hand. She soothed my fears and showed her undying love for me in the
process.

"Baby, I'm so sorry," I told her while she was asleep. "I'm not in my best shape
now . . . pero mahal na mahal kita. Please stay with me. Hindi ko kakayanin kapag
wala ka."

"Leon . . ." She grunted softly. She was dreaming.

I kissed her forehead. "I love you."

With her eyes still closed, she smiled a little.

"I love you, too. I won't give up on you."

I hugged her that night, silently thanking her for still loving me despite these
hard times.

Sinubukan kong bawiin ang sarili. I shouldn't lose my focus now. Hindi puwedeng
manghina ako nang tuluyan dahil may pamilya akong umaasa sa akin. Nagsimula ulit
akong mag-aral at magtrabaho nang maayos. Sinubukan ko ring ayusin ang relasyon
namin ni Amari.

"Leon, isinugod sa ospital si Leah! Nagkukumbulsyon at mataas ang lagnat!

Hinihintay pa namin ang doctor, pero malaki ang posibilidad na may pneumonia ang
nanay mo."

Hinang-hina ako roon. That was my last straw. Kailangan ko talagang umuwi.
Ayoko . . . not my Nanay . . . please.

I cried for days, constantly worrying about her. Walang nagbabantay sa kanya. May
sakit at mag-isa. Alam kong utang ang dadatnan ko pag-umuwi ako . . . pero wala na
akong pakialam. Gusto kong samahan si Nanay hanggang sa gumaling siya. She was my
strength. I couldn't lose her. Ikamamatay ko.

To Leon Zamora,

I'm writing to you to make you an offer. I found out what happened to your
siblings, and I wanted to do everything I could to help you get them out of jail. I
will help you financially as well. All you need to do is sign a contract and start
working for my firm.

Reply to this email if you are interested.

Dr. Percy Ezekiel Mendoza

Mendoza Research Institute

No, Leon. It was your girlfriend's father. He hurt her. He was the reason why Amari
had wounds to heal. Hindi ka puwedeng ma-engganyo sa proposal niya.

"Leon, malaki na ang bill ninyo sa ospital. Kailangan mong magpadala. Marami rin
akong trabaho, hijo. Gusto ko mang tumulong, hindi puwedeng ako ang laging
magbabantay sa nanay mo," saad sa akin ng kapitbahay namin nang mangumusta ako.
"Kung hindi nag-droga ang mga kapatid mo, hindi sana mangyayari ito! Wala sana sa
atin ang naabala at wala sana rito si Leah! Bakit ba naman kasi . . ."

"Pasensya na po. Inaasikaso ko na po ang pag-uwi ko."

Nakausap ko na si Amari tungkol doon at naintindihan niya naman ang rason ko. Hindi
ko alam. Wala na akong ibang naiisip kung hindi si Nanay at ang kambal. I became so
lost in my problems again. Hindi ko kaya kapag nasira ang pamilya ko. Kalahati ng
buhay ko ay nagsumikap akong pagtagpi-tagpiin ang bawat piraso ng nawasak naming
relasyon simula noong umalis si Tatay.

I worked hard to get where I am now. I sacrificed a lot so that my siblings could
have a fulfilled life even without our father. I tried my hardest to help Nanay.

Hindi puwedeng ganito na lang kami. Hindi puwedeng mawala lahat ng paghihirap
ko . . . ang paghihirap namin.

Hi Leon,

I'm Valeen Claire Alvarado, Psyche's mother, and I'd like for you to tutor my
daughter as she is changing programs. I ran a background check on you and
discovered that you had a great deal of potential. Also, I heard that your mother
is currently hospitalized. Once you agree, I'll pay her bills. My daughter is
equally thrilled to have you as her tutor.
Maria Psyche Alvarado: Please agree with whatever my mom would tell you. You're my
safest choice. Baka kapag hindi ka pumayag ay ipipilit niya na namang kung kani-
kanino ako ipa-tutor. The last time she did this, the tutor she hired sexually
assaulted me. Please, Leon. Just this once.

I was so hopeless. Magagalit ang mahal ko. Hihiwalayan niya ako kapag tinanggap ko
ang mga offer nila.

God . . . why is it so hard to be poor? Binuhos ko naman ang buong buhay ko sa

pagtatrabaho at pagsusumikap. Bakit parang walang balik? Bakit parang hindi
natatapos? I am so tired. Nagsasawa na akong maghanap ng solusyon sa mga problemang
ang hirap lusutan. Nahihirapan na akong akuin ang responsibilidad na hindi naman
dapat sa akin lang. Napapagod na akong ipangtapal ang sarili sa mga butas sa buhay
namin.

Ano pa bang kulang ko? Hindi naman ako nagrebelde. Bata palang naman, hindi na ako
nahihiyang maglako ng paninda ni Nanay kasi kailangan naming kumain. Bata palang
naman, natutunan ko nang magbanat ng buto. Nag-aral ako nang mabuti. Itinaguyod ko
ang pamilya namin sa paraang kaya ko. Ano pa? Ano pang dapat kong gawin para
matigil lahat ng problema?

I wanted an instant solution because I was fed up with finding the answers myself.

And so, I found myself writing Mr. Mendoza and Mrs. Alvarado emails in which I
accepted their offers.

I'm sorry, Amari. I'm very . . . very sorry. Your boyfriend is tired now.

I saw our breakup coming. Wala pa man, sigurado akong haharapin ko ang galit niya.
I was so scared to be honest with her. Kung puwede lang ay itatago ko iyon sa
kanya. Ayokong hiwalayan ako ni Amari. Ayokong iwan siya rito. Patong-patong ang
utang ko sa kanya at halos mangangayayat na siya sa pag-aalaga sa akin.

Leon, what have you done to your girlfriend?

"Pati ikaw nakuha nila sa 'kin . . ."

Nabasag ang puso ko sa mahinang daing niya. It was happening. Our break-up was
happening.

Lord, please. Ayoko po. Mahal na mahal ko si Amari. Bakit kailangan kong masaktan
siya nang ganito?

"Tama na. Ang mahalaga, sinubukan natin."

Humikbi ako at nagmakaawa sa kanya. I know. I know I was at fault. Wala akong
karapatang makasama pa siya gayong magtatrabaho ako sa mga taong nanakit sa kanya.
'Yong sinabi kong lagi ko siyang kakampihan . . . sinira ko rin. I wasn't her
enemy, but I'd work for her enemies. Wala akong pinagkaiba sa kanila.

Pero ano'ng gagawin ko? Nakaratay si Nanay sa ospital. Nakakulong ang mga bata kong
kapatid. My family was breaking apart . . . and all I needed was instant
money . . . bagay na parehas na wala sa amin ni Amari.

My pain clouded my rationality. Sa kagustuhan kong huwag akong hiwalayan ni Amari

ay kung ano-ano nang lumabas sa bibig ko. I called her selfish . . . fuck . . . I
called her selfish. After everything she did for me . . . putangina, ano'ng ginawa
ko?
"Selfish ako? Tangina, ilang buwan na ako ang nagbayad ng renta! Ilang buwan kong
tiniis na lumalayo ka! Ilang buwan kong tiniis ang panoorin lang ang likod mo kapag
natutulog ka! Kaunting pag-intindi?! Leon, ubos na ubos na ako kakaintindi!"

All I did was cry. Wala na. Pati ang babaeng mahal na mahal ko, dumulas din sa
hawak ko.

"I love you . . ." I whispered to myself.

"Tama na!" galit na galit na sigaw niya.

Take your time to look at her, Leon. Pag-alis mo, hindi mo na maaabot 'yan. She
would have a great life because she had always been like that, right? She was goal-
oriented, and once she set her sights on something, she could do anything. At ikaw?
Maiiwan ka lang na nanghihinayang.

So, look at her. Look at your greatest love drifting away from you.

Sa gitna ng paghahanap ko ng solusyon sa mga problema . . . naiwala ko siya.

I walked along the streets of Italy, crying and sobbing pathetically. Wala na akong
pakialam sa mga tumitingin sa akin. I felt like I had lost everyone important to
me.

Outside the locked doors of Milan Cathedral, I asked the heavens to take care of
Amari, to grant her heart's deepest desire, and to heal the wounds I had caused.

Tumingin ako sa larawan niya sa pitaka ko hanggang sa maramdaman ko ang muling

pagbagsak ng mga luha ko.

The world will see more of your successes, my love. Go your own way without me.
Shine like the bright beacon of light that you were born to be.

"Leon? Bakit ka nandito?"

Iyon ang unang tanong ni Nanay nang makita ako. Nanaba na siya dahil sa dextrose.

I smiled at her. "Syempre. Kailangan mo 'ko, eh."

Hindi ko sinabi kina Mr. Mendoza at Mrs. Alvarado ang pag-uwi ko. I don't know. I
want to take back my word. Parang hindi ko pala kayang sikmurain na magtrabaho sa
kanila. Bahala na kung ano ang puwede kong gawin. Nandito naman na ako sa
Pilipinas. Makakampante na ako dahil kasama ko na si Nanay.

I took care of her. Nagdedeliryo siya kapag mataas ang lagnat niya. Naroon rin ang
pangangatal ng buong katawan at wala akong magawa kung hindi ang yakapin siya. I
wanted to share my warmth with her. Ipinangako ko sa kanyang hindi ko siya
iiwan . . . at hanggang sa mamatay ako ay hinding-hindi ko babaliin iyon.

"May karayom sa kama, oh . . ." aniya. "Ayun, bubuyog! Ang laki! Mag-iingat ka,
Leon! Baka kagatin ka!"

It was so painful to watch. She was hallucinating.

"Bakit ka umiiyak? 'Wag kang umiyak! Malakas ako, 'no! Kailangan kong gumaling
dahil ikakasal ka pa kay Amari! Saka . . . magdodoctor ang bunso ko! Tapos si Nash,
mag-aabogado!" She chuckled. "Kaya ko, Leon. Hindi ito ang magpapatumba sa nanay
mo."
Hindi ko alam kung paano lumipas ang mga araw. Nangutang ako kay Thaddeus, pero
alam kong hindi pa rin sapat 'yon. Naglakas-loob din akong humingi ng tulong kay
Ms. Lubrica para i-settle ang bills ni Nanay. Wala akong ibang malapitan.
Parang . . . hirap lahat. Parang may pinagdadaanan.

"Ako ang dahilan mo kung bakit nakipaghiwalay ka kay Amari?!" galit na sigaw ni
nanay nang malaman niyang wala na kami ng babae. Kauuwi lang namin noon mula sa
ospital nang magpakuwento siya. Hindi naman ako para magsinungaling.

May oxygen tank sa tabi niya pero nahihirapan pa rin siyang huminga. I shouldn't
stress her. Masama pa rin sa kanya ang mapagod.

"Mas gugustuhin ko pang mamatay kaysa magtrabaho ka sa mga magulang ni Amari!"

"Nanay naman . . ."

"Ipagbenta mo ang lupa ko! Mag-loan tayo sa bangko! Isangla natin 'tong bahay! Wala
akong pakialam! Basta, hindi mo puwedeng kalimutan ang moral na itinanim ko sa
'yo!" Tumulo ang luha niya. "Importante ang pera, pero tatandaan mong wala nang mas
hihigit pa sa pamilya . . . at hindi lang kami ang pamilya mo! Pamilya mo rin si
Amari! Paano mo nagawa 'yon sa kanya?!"

"H-Hindi po ako tutuloy, nay . . . Sorry po . . . Sorry."

Umiling siya. "Kung nababayaran ng salapi ang pagmamahal mo, hipokrito ka."

"Nanay . . ." Tuloy ang pag-agos ng luha sa mata ko. I realize everything I did
wrong now.

"Kawawa naman si Amari. Pati ikaw tumalikod sa kanya."

That same day, I went to the treehouse so that I could message Amari. Wala akong
tigil sa pag-iyak dahil hinang-hina ako. Tama si Nanay. Maraming paraan para
masolusyonan namin ang problema. Hindi ko kailangang saktan si Amari para lang
mapadali ang buhay ko.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Mari, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for
saying you were selfish. I'm sorry for invalidating your pain. I'm sorry for making
you feel unseen and undervalued. I'm sorry for being so distracted that I didn't
realize I was already treating you badly. I'm sorry for coming into your life only
to leave.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: It's been a month. Nasa Pilipinas na ako. I'm in our treehouse
while typing this. Nanay is sleeping, and I just had a talk with her a while ago.
Nasa bahay na kami. Bumili na lang kami ng oxygen tank kasi hirap pa rin siyang
huminga. I'm sorry for having the guts to even send these chats to you now. I know
you hate getting unnecessary messages.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I realized how much of a jerk I was to you. I wish I could turn
back time so I could make better choices. I wish I could turn back time and say
things differently. Miss na miss na kita, Mari. I've loved you for years and I
still do. You're not only the highlight of my college; you're the best part of my
life.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Someday, the memories we shared will be nothing but a distant
memory. I'm sorry I couldn't keep our promise to accomplish more things and stay
together. Sa ngayon, wala akong ibang gugustuhin kung hindi ang maging masaya at
malaya ka. This is too painful to ask you, but I hope you forget about me. I hope
you meet a man who deserves you more than I do. Goodbye, Mendoza. Thank you for
loving me.

My eyes were blurry when I sent those chats. I miss her . . . but I knew deep down
that I didn't deserve her. Masyado ko na siyang nasaktan. She had to start anew.
Kahit hindi na ako kasama sa mga plano niya . . . kahit hindi ko na masasabayan ang
pag-abot niya sa mga pangarap niya.

Forget about me, Amari. Hayaan mong ako na lang ang manirahan sa alaala nating
dalawa.

Ipinagbenta ko ang lupa ni Nanay. I also emailed both Mr. Mendoza and Mrs. Alvarado
about the changes in my plans. Binayaran ko ang mga pinagkautangan namin at
isinanla ko rin ang lupang pinagtitirikan ng treehouse para mabayaran nang buo ang
abogado ng kambal. Sa loob ng dalawang buwan simula noong umuwi ako, palipat-lipat
lang ako sa bahay para bantayan si Nanay at sa presinto para bisitahin ang mga
kapatid.

Nagsimula ulit akong tumanggap ng mga academic commissions para may ipambili ng
gamot at iba pang pangangailang nina Nash at Nathaniel.

Hindi ako puwedeng mapagod. Alam kong gaya ng lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, malalampasan
ko rin 'to.

"L-Leon . . ."

Ang mahinang daing ni Nanay ang nakapagpamulat sa akin. Agad na bumuhos ang pag-
aalala sa puso ko nang makita siyang hawak ang dibdib.

"Nay? Bakit?!" natataranta nang sigaw ko.

She was pale. Kahit suot niya ang nasal cannula ng oxygen tank niya ay hinihingal
pa rin siya.

"H-Hindi ako m-makahinga . . ." she panted as she puched her chest. "A-Anak . . .
nahi . . . hirapan a . . . kong hu . . . minga."

Hindi ako makapag-isip nang maayos. Lumabas ako ng bahay at nagsimulang sumigaw
roon.

"Tulong! Tulungan n'yo po ang nanay ko!" Halos katukin ko ang pinto ng mga
kapitbahay. "Hindi po makinga si Nanay! Tulungan n'yo po ako! Dadalhin ko po sa
ospital!"

There was no response from them because it was just dawn. Patakbo akong bumalik sa
bahay at tinanggal ang nasa ilong niya. I took her outside and started to run to
get her to the hospital as soon as possible.

"Tulong po! Sa mga may sasakyan, tulungan n'yo po ako!" sigaw ko pa.

"L-L-Leon . . ."

"Nay, please. Ayoko, ha? 'Wag gan'yan . . ." My voice trembled. "Tulong po!
Nanginginig na po si Nanay! Parang awa n'yo na! Tulungan n'yo po kami!"

"M-M-Mahal . . . na mahal . . . ka ni Nanay . . ."

"Nay! Tumigil ka muna! Please!" I continued running, still shouting at the top of
my lungs.
Wala akong sasakyan. Tangina. Wala akong sasakyan.

"S-Salamat, anak ko. M-Maraming m-maraming salamat . . ."

I didn't know what had happened after that. Tinulungan ako ng isang tricycle driver
na nakita ko sa kanto. Habang nasa byahe ay buhat ko lang ang katawan ni Nanay.

"'Wag mo 'kong iwan, nay . . ." I cried as I poured oxygen into her mouth. "H-Hindi
ko po kaya. Kailangan kita, nay. Kailangan kita. Parang awa mo na . . . 'wag mo
'kong iwan."

Ramdam ko ang pagbigat ng katawan niya. Ayokong tanggapin. Hindi. Hindi totoo 'to.
Hindi mamamatay ang nanay ko. Marami pa akong dapat gawin. I hadn't yet given her
the kind of life she deserved. Hindi puwede. Ayoko. Please. Ayoko.

She was announced dead on arrival.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakauwi, kung paano ako nakapamili ng kabaong at ng
isusuot niya, kung paano ako nakakuha ng litrato para sa tarpaulin, kung paano ko
nagawang tanguan ang mga dumadalaw na parang hindi namatay ang malaking parte ng
puso ko.

"Condolence, Leon . . ."

Wala na ang nanay ko. Nawala na siya bago ko pa maibigay ang lahat sa kanya. Ni
hindi siya mapuntahan ng kambal. Sinubukan kong mag-request sa presinto para makita
manlang nila ang labi ni Nanay pero hindi ako napayagan.

"Sorry, kuya. Hinding-hindi na namin uulitin 'to. Sorry . . ." umiiyak na saad ni
Nash. "Ibulong mo ang paghingi namin ng tawad kay Nanay, ha?"

Nakayuko lang si Nathaniel, kanina pa hingi nang hingi ng tawad.

Gusto kong magalit sa ginawa nila . . . pero sila na lang ang pamilyang mayroon
ako. Ayokong pati sila ay mawala sa akin.

I felt alone. Ni wala akong panahon para magluksa dahil kailangan kong bayaran ang
mga utang pa namin. Nang i-revive kasi si Nanay ay nagpatong-patong ang hospital
bills. Wala akong mapagkunan ng pera. Kung hindi dahil kay Thaddeus at Ms. Lubrica
na nag-alok ng tulong ay baka naiwan doon ang katawan ni Nanay.

I distracted myself by working really hard to avoid confronting the empty side of
our home . . . to avoid feeling the void in my heart . . . to avoid calling someone
abroad to request a hug.

Nag-apply ako bilang psychometrician sa VDMH at part-time instructor sa CSU, at

malugod naman nila akong tinanggap. I worked my way to the top while taking care of
my brothers who were being beaten up at the prison. Inamin nila sa akin na ang mga
anak ng may-ari ng Mendoza Research Institute ang una nilang nakasama sa pagdodroga
pero silang dalawa lang ang nakulong gayong ang mga ito ang pinaka-supplier nila.

"Let's put them in jail, Leon. Mahirap silang kalaban, pero kaya natin 'yon," saad
ni Psyche sa akin nang mag-send ako ng petition para i-rave ang MRI. "They had
enough fun. Masyado na silang maraming nabibiktima."

As the years passed, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing from
my heart. Kahit nang makalaya ang mga kapatid ko, wala akong nakapang kahit na
anong kaligayahan sa dibdib ko. Para akong gumigising lang dahil kailangan.
"Wala na kayo ni Ate Amari, kuya?" tanong ni Nathaniel sa akin.

Umiling lang ako para tapusin ang usapan. I lost my purpose. I lost the two women
who held such a special place in my life. Wala nang dahilan para maging masaya ako
dahil 'yong mga pinangukuan ko . . . wala na sa 'kin. Parehas ko silang nabigo. At
kahit ano pang marating ko, hinding-hindi na sila babalik sa akin.

I hope Amari is here. Siguro hindi ganito kasakit kung nasa tabi ko siya.

Kahit isang araw lang . . . gusto kong makasama ulit siya. Ikukwento ko sa kanya
ang lahat ng nangyari sa akin at hihingi ng tawad sa ginawa ko. Puwede rin akong
mangumusta at tanungin kung naging mas maayos ba ang buhay niya nang mawala ako.

Kasi ako hindi.

Kung hindi puwede . . . I would just go ahead and hug her. I would do anything to
be able to fall asleep close to her and experience the wonder of life all over
again.

Pero imposible na.

I was bitter. I didn't want to hear things about her because I kept missing her.
Tuwing pag-uusapan siya ng mga kaibigan namin ay ako na ang lumalayo. Kahit si Ms.
Lubrica na tumayong pangalawang nanay ko na ay hindi maiwasang mabanggit ang
pangalan niya.

I heard she finished her master's degree and was now a licensed counselor and
psychologist. Alam ko namang makakaya niyang abutin lahat. Sayang lang. Nasaksihan
ko sana lahat ng 'yon kung hindi ko siya sinaktan.

I hope she never comes back here. Baka hindi kasi ako pumayag na hindi siya
mapasaakin kapag nakita ko ulit siya. Baka maghabol ako. Baka malimutan kong ang
pagmamahal niya sa akin ang muntik ko nang ipambayad sa mga problema ko.

"Oh my god! Queen!"

Nasa bahay ako nina Thaddeus at Shaira nang marinig ang sigaw na iyon ng babae.
Mula sa screen ng laptop ay nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. Tutok na tutok lang
ang mga mata niya sa TV kaya napalingon din ako roon.

My heart started racing right away when I recognized who was walking down the
aisle. She looked . . . radiant. There was no trace of the pain I left behind.
There was no sign of tears or weakness. Nakahawi lang ang kanyang buhok sa isang
gilid ng balikat kaya kitang-kita ang leeg niya. She also had a beautiful, delicate
smile on her lips as her eyes glowed.

Nothing had changed. Amari Sloane Mendoza was still the loveliest woman I had ever
seen.

Ayokong makita siya nang personal. Sapat na sa aking paulit-ulitin ang live video
ng kasal ng kaibigan niya. Her body had matured. She had curves in all the right
places, and she looked healthier now. Hindi gaya noong iniwan ko siyang payat na
payat.

Ni hindi ko manlang naipadala sa kanya ang utang ko. Nakakahiya namang lumapit.
Baka . . . limot niya na ako. Malayo na ang narating niya. Malawak na rin ang
mundong ginagalawan niya.

"Nasaan na kaya si Amari?"

Nang marinig ko iyon kay Zoey habang nasa gender reveal party kami ng anak nina
Thaddeus at Shaira, hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na umalis. Nakita ko pa siya sa
parking lot kaya tarantang-taranta ako nang magmaneho. Ni hindi manlang ako
nakatagal para matitigan sana siya.

I took a deep breath, realizing there were a lot of changes in my life. I was able
to buy a red automatic car. Red because it reminded me of Amari's lips and flushed
cheeks. Automatic because I dreamed of driving her home while also holding her
hand.

Bukod sa renovation ng treehouse ay pinag-ipunan ko rin ang pagbili noon. Hulugan

lang iyon pero malaking tulong na sa akin. Lalo kapag naaalala kong wala kaming
ganoon ni Nanay noon.

I stopped smoking, too. Tanda kong pinagalitan ako ni Amari dahil sa madalas na
paninigarilyo ko. Isa pa, sakit sa baga ang ikinamatay ni Nanay. She became a
secondhand smoker. Kung nakinig lang sana ako sa kanya dati, hindi siguro siya
magkakaroon ng karamdaman.

Iiwas ako kay Amari. Iyon ang plano ko.

Pero iba pala ang gusto ng mundo.

When our gazes locked after so long of not seeing each other, I knew I had to try
again.

Sinubukan kong lumapit . . . mangumusta. She was still single, and although I knew
she wouldn't want to be with me again, I pursued her like a fucking dog.

"Ilang beses ko bang uulitin sa 'yo? I don't give a shit about Leon. Magkita man
kami, wala akong pakialam. I don't love him anymore, and I've known for a long time
that he's nothing but a phase in my life. Sinabi niyang kalimutan ko siya . . . so
I did."

It broke me into a million pieces. That was your answer, Leon. Nalimutan ka na niya
. . . gaya ng gusto mong mangyari.

Pero ewan ko ba. Pagdating kay Amari, wala akong pagod.

"Shaira, can I use your messenger?" I asked her.

"Huh? Aanhin mo naman?"

I breathed deeply. Nakakahiya.

"I'll just message Amari."

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya pero hindi naman na siya nangusisa.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Take care.

That was my first message to her. Lilipad na kasi siya pabalik sa Italy.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Girl, you've told me that too many times already! I'll
message you, okay? Stop worrying and get some rest. It's not like I won't call you
or anything.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Have you brought any meds with you? Baka mahilo ka sa byahe.
Amari Sloane Mendoza: Yup. All good.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Update your Facebook every once in a while. Post your
pictures, your achievements, or just anything. Share memes if you're happy or poems
if you're sad. Just post anything.

Because that was the only way I could see what was going on with your life. Hindi
naman na kasi ako puwedeng dumiretso sa 'yo. I already lost that right.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You know I'm not a social media girl, right? Bakit? May
problema ba? Gusto mong pag-usapan bago ako umalis? I'm free. You can call me if
you want.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: I'm just very proud of you, Amari.

It was true. Ako pa rin ang pinakamasaya kapag may mga nararating siya. Hindi man
niya kita iyon, pero araw-araw ay laman siya ng mga panalangin ko.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I love you, Shai. Thank you for not leaving me.

Natagalan ako bago sumagot. I forgot for a moment that she thought I was her
friend.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: I love you.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: So much.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Always remember that.

Naging malaking gulat sa akin ang hindi niya pag-alis. Parang umahon ang bagong
pag-asa sa dibdib ko.

Kaya naman kahit na ayaw niya, nagsumiksik ako. Kahit may pandidiri sa mukha niya,
pinagkasya ko ang sarili sa kaunting arko ng kilay niya kapag nakikita akong
nakamasid sa kanya.

It was better. Parang . . . dati lang.

She said so many painful things to me. She said our feelings were shallow, yet all
I wanted was to marry her. She said my feelings were a joke, but I've never taken
anyone as seriously as I did her.

Nakakalito. Minsan, parang gusto niya ako. Madalas, parang hindi.

I saw a sliver of hope when she started opening up to me again . . . but it all
vanished in an instant.

It felt like an endless game of tug-of-war.

Baka mali na naman ang ginagawa ko. Baka kaya lalo kaming nagkakasakitan kasi
ipinipilit ko pa kahit hindi naman na puwede.

Wala, eh. Mahal ko, eh.

Kahit na maraming taon ang lumipas . . . walang nagbago. Mahal na mahal ko pa rin
siya.

"Titigilan ko na," sabi ko kay Thaddeus.

I invited him for some drinks because I was so heartbroken by the constant push and
pull I had with Amari. Ayaw niya sa akin. Nakakapagod nang ilaban.

"You won't have regrets?" he asked.

I nodded. "Ubos na 'ko."

He tapped my back. "Good fight, man."

Hindi ko alam na may luha pa pala akong mailalabas para kay Amari. I needed to
stand my ground. Mahal ko siya pero mas lalo lang akong napapagod sa pag-ibig ko sa
kanya. I was afraid of being replaced. I was jealous because I knew I didn't have
the assurance that she'd love me again. I was so . . . so scared. She could break
me down to my bare bones as I hopelessly stitched myself back together.

Ayoko nang dumaan ulit sa pinagdaanan ko noon.

"I've given it some thought earlier. I've fired my last shot. Pinakita ko sa 'yong
mahal kita, ginawa ko na lahat, tiniis ko ang paglayo at pananakit, but it still
didn't work out, so I'm done," I told her.

She was in front of me. Hindi ko alam kung para saan pa gayong ayaw niya naman sa
'kin. Hindi na dapat siya gumagawa ng mga bagay na alam niyang aasahan ko lang.

"Naiintindihan ko naman 'yon dahil nagkamali ako sa 'yo . But the constant fear
that you'll leave me . . ." Umiling ako kasabay ng pagguho ng maliit na parte ng
pag-asa sa dibdib ko. "I can't take it . . . so just leave all at once. Para tapos
na."

I'm giving you back your freedom, Amari. You won't have to be annoyed at me again.

"Pero nakakapagod ka nang mahalin, Amari. Kasi alam kong kung gugustuhin mo,
mabilis mo 'kong mapapalitan. Kasi kung gugustuhin mo, kayang-kaya mo 'kong
durugin." Just please say that you love me, and I'll come running back to you
again. I can't risk my already shattered heart, Amari. Please love me gently. "I'm
tired of being jealous. I'm tired of waiting, of just watching and reaching out.
I'm tired, really tired, of being in love with you, so I'm raising my white flag
now. I've fought hard and long enough. Gusto ko na lang magpahinga."

Nang makita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya ay gusto kong bawiin lahat ng sinabi
ko. Bakit siya nasasaktan? Ayaw niya sa 'kin. Nandidiri siya sa presensya ko. Hindi
dapat niya ipinararamdan na may puwang pa rin ako sa buhay niya gayong ibang-iba
naman ang lumalabas sa bibig niya.

I got her messages, and when I read them, I just threw away everything I could see.
Putangina naman. Mali na naman ang timing. Kung kailang suko na ako, saka naman
siya lalaban para sa 'kin.

No. I had to stand my ground. Hindi puwedeng habambuhay kong idepende ang kasiyahan
ko sa kanya.

I tried to move on from her. Pabiro ko pang niloko si Thaddeus na magsisimula na

akong makipag-date at kumilala ng ibang babae . . . kahit pa alam kong si Amari
lang naman ang hahanap-hanapin ko.

I limited my access to her life. Kapag miss na miss ko siya, bibisita lang ako sa
library kung saan madalas siyang magbasa at pagsasawaan ko ang sarili sa pagmamasid
sa kanya.
"O, akala ko ba ayaw mo na?" natatawang tanong ni Thaddeus nang makita akong nagte-
text ulit kay Amari.

Umiling ako. "I'm kinda ready again."

"Gago!" Halakhak niya pa. "Sabi na't hindi ka tatagal, eh! Kaunting pahinga lang,
ikaw pa rin ang maghahabol."

Ipinagpasa-Diyos ko na 'yon. Bahala na. Kahit ikamatay ko. Basta si Amari.

"Leon, I'm with Mari in this. You have to protect her. Nakakatunog na si Percy sa
ginagawa nami—"

Parang nagpantig ang tainga ko sa sinabi sa akin ni Psyche.

"Who?"

Dumaan ang takot sa mukha niya. "Si Mari . . ."

"Are you serious?"

She nodded. "She did almost all the job. Siya ang kumuha ng lahat ng ebidensyang 't
—"

"Destroy them," I commanded.

"What?!"

"I'll secure every piece of information in there. We'll destroy them," matigas na
saad ko. "If everything goes wrong, I'll take the fall. 'Wag mong idadamay si
Amari."

"I'm not planning to." Nanginginig siyang tumango. "You have my word, Leon. Mari
deserves nothing but freedom."

Everything was too much for me. Halos naging sunod-sunod ang mabibigat na
pangyayari. Psyche fell into a coma while my Amari was out there, facing her demons
bravely. She didn't even flinch. I had always known she was strong . . . I just
realized that her strength was up and above what I could ever think of.

Hindi niya kailangan ng magliligtas sa kanya dahil kaya niyang iligtas ang sarili
niya. Hindi niya kailangan ng tutulong sa kanyang bumangon dahil kaya niyang tumayo
sa sarili niyang paa.

I helped her still . . . alongside. In just two tries, I was able to figure out her
email account's password.

Mind over matter

"Percy and Valeen, you've had enough fun. Iabandona n'yo 'ko, wala akong pakialam.
Paulit-ulit n'yo 'kong minaliit, wala akong naging reklamo. Pandirihan n'yo 'ko,
wala kayong maririnig sa 'kin."

Watching her stand in trial as a witness, I couldn't help but feel a surge of
pride. Gusto kong sumigaw na siya ang babaeng mahal ko. Na siya ang babaeng kasama
kong nangarap . . . ang babaeng itinago at tahimik kong minahal sa mga taong
nagdaan.
"Pero idinamay n'yo 'yong alam n'yong importante sa 'kin. Idinamay n'yo 'yong alam
n'yong iniingatan ko. Idinamay n'yo 'yong alam n'yong mahal ko. I'm sorry, my
lovely parents, but I can't tolerate that."

She still loves me. I'm sure of that. Ako ang dahilan kung bakit buong-tapang
niyang hinarap ang mga taong kinatatakutan niya dati.

I waited for her . . . kahit hindi siya nagpaalam sa akin. Sa gitna ng paghihintay,
isinulat ko ang kwento naming dalawa. I would give it to her . . . kung babalik man
siya.

I knew she needed a break. I would be the happiest if she rested. Buong buhay niya,
hindi siya tumigil sa paglaban . . . sumasalungat sa agos . . . at hindi
nagpapatalo sa nais ng puso.

It was time for her to breathe. Alam kong puno ng pag-alala ang puso niya kay
Psyche, pero hangga't may maliit na tyansang magising ito ay papanatagin ko ang mga
agam-agam niya.

I kissed her picture and thought about her. "I'll keep my promise once you come
back. I'll turn you into Mrs. Zamora you're always destined to be."

And when she returned, I had promised to never let her go again.

It was on the island where Amari claimed to have fallen in love with me that we
exchanged our vows in front of only a few of our closest friends and family. The
wedding took place at the foot of a lighthouse, and guests were treated to views of
the coastline and the soothing sound of waves.

Thaddeus was my best man, and Mill was my wife's maid of honor. Si Ms. Lubrica, at
ang kambal ang naghatid sa akin sa altar samantalang sina Karsen at Kat naman ang
kay Amari.

"I love you, Leon Ysmael Zamora," she said, small tears flowing down her cheeks.
"Every day, I keep on relearning ways on how to love you more . . . how to love you
better. You are a part of my healing. Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit natutunan ko ring
mahalin ang sarili ko. Higit pa salitang masasabi ko sa 'yo ang taos-pusong
pasasalamat ko. Thank you for holding me through the storms of my life, kissing my
wounds, and waiting patiently for me. Kahit walang kasiguraduhan. Kahit mundo pa
'yong kalaban."

A tear escaped my eye.

"My husband, my love, my favorite rival, I am eternally grateful that I have found
you."

I tried not to cry . . . but I couldn't. Nagiging iyakin ako kapag si Amari na.

My wife . . . her beauty was beyond what words could ever express. She was perfect
all the way down to her toes, much like the spines of those precisely bound books.
She smelled so comforting that you'd want to cuddle up in a corner with some old
novels or literature. She was the kind of character that no writer could do justice
to.

"Amari . . ." nanginig agad ang boses ko. "Ever since I laid my eyes on you, I knew
you had me captivated. You walked into the room, not knowing that you were taking
my breath away. Ni hindi ko namamalayan ang oras kakatingin sa 'yo. You were
clueless while I was dying of admiration for you."
Everything about her was beautiful to me, from the creases on the side of her mouth
when she laughed to the way her hair danced so gracefully when she moved.

"We've made it to our right time, Mrs. Amari Sloane Zamora. Basta ikaw ang
makakasama ko sa dulo, walang kaso sa akin ang mahabang panahon na paghihintay ko
sa 'yo."

When it came time for our first kiss as husband and wife, I lifted her veil only to
be swept away by her elegant beauty again.

"I found you attractive on our first day of college, too, Zamora."

Tumingkayad siya at habang gulat ako ay pinatakan niya ng halik ang labi ko.

"Leon, ano? Ang hina!"

"Kuya naman! Hindi ka namin pinalaking gan'yan!"

"Hala, parang hindi naman dapat 'to kasama sa tradisyon mo, Leon!"

When my wife chuckled, pleased that she had the upper hand, I grabbed her by the
waist and kissed her in front of the crowd, earning yet another round of applause.

"I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Zamora!"

My heart was fulfilled.

I couldn't see into the future, but at that moment, I vowed to myself that I would
hold her hand whenever I could. From the balcony to the kitchen, from the car to
the attic. She would turn our treehouse into a haven, and I would turn her frowns
into fits of laughter. We would be at each other's aid. We would fix what was
broken and stay. We would discover each other every day.

We had made a lot of mistakes in the past. We fell and were beaten up on the way
down. We threw sharp, hurtful things at each other. I wasn't perfect. Neither did
she. But now we knew that no matter how tough things became, we could always stay
on the same side, fight for each other, and never against.

The long-standing rivalry between us was over, as we exchanged the sacred promise
of becoming allies forever.

Note [Mistakes We Can't Laugh About...]

Thank you for sticking with me until the end. This is by far the most complicated
story I've written. I hope this was as fun to read as it was to write.

This book is for all the students who are always put under pressure to do more than
they can handle. Always keep in mind that you're the hero of your own life. You
should be the benchmark for yourself. We are all works in progress. Don't compare
the small steps you've taken to the giant leaps that others have made.

Rejoice in their success because, just like you, they did well, too. You'll shine
when it's your turn. With compassion, hard work, and courage, you'll get to where
you want to be.
Take the time to reflect and gain wisdom from your mistakes. Think about how you
can get better.

Thank you for studying and continuously learning with our Leon Ysmael Zamora and
Amari Sloane Mendoza! At the end of the road, there will always be mistakes we can
learn from, mistakes we can brush off, and mistakes we will look back on and laugh
about. Even so, each of them has the potential to strengthen the person that you
already are. Don't be afraid of making one; be afraid of not learning from it.

See you on The Losers' Club Series 3!