Gåhastha Ashram

Manual

Çré Çré Rädhä Gopénath Mandir,

Girgaum Chopwatty, Mumbai - 400 007.
 This manual is dedicated to
His Divine Grace
A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupäda
and
his faithful followers.
This manual was compiled under the
inspiration of
H. H. Rädhänath Swami Mahäräja
 Gåhastha ashram is an
important and integral aspect
of the Daivi Varnashram system.
This manual on Gåhastha ashram is
based on information culled from
the writings of Çréla Prabhupäda
in his valuable purports in
Çrémad Bhägavatam, Bhagavad-Gétä,
his lectures and letters and
contributions from several leading
devotees of ISKCON.

This manual is being released on 11th April 2003,

the most auspicious day of
Räma Navami
at
Çré Çré Rädhä Gopénath Mandir,
Girgaum Chopwatty, Mumbaj - 400 007.
 CONTENTS

- PART –

1. Vedic Culture and Varnashrarna Dharma 1

1.1 Vedic culture & Gåhasthasram 1
1.2 The goal of the Gåhastha ashrama and other ashramas 2
2. Differentiation of the ashramas based on the strength of renunciation
and means of livelihood 2
2.1 The Importance of Gåhastha ashrams 3
2.2 Grihamedhi vs Gåhastha 3
2.3 The status of Gåhastha ashrama and Varna ashrama systems 3
3. Duties and responsibilities in general in Gåhastha ashrama 4
4. Debts in Gåhastha Ashrama 4
5. Way of living in Gåhastha life 4
6. Gåhastha and Deity worship 5
6.1 How to earn one's livelihood in Gåhastha ashram: Do's and Don't's 5
7. Giving in charity - A sacred duty in Gåhastha ashram 6
8. Serving guests/ Dealings with others 7
8.1 How to offer hospitality? The right consciousness 7
8.2 Serving elders/parents 8
8.3 Dealing with other living entities 8
8.4 Dealing with servants/subordinates 9
8.5 Distributing prasäd to persons who have not taken to Kåñëa
Consciousness - How should Gåhasthas deal with beggars? 9
8.6 Dealings of Gåhastha Men with Women 10
8.7 Dealings of Gåhastha Men with Brahmacärés & Sannyäsés 10
8.8 Dealing of Grishastha Women with Men 10
8.9 Dealings of Gåhastha women with Brahmacärés & Sannyäsés 10
8.10 Keeping pets 11
9. What should be the consciousness of a Gåhastha Devotee about having no
children /begetting a son /daughter? 11
10. What should be the consciousness of a devotee couple who decides not to
have a child ? 11
11. Duties towards children in Gåhastha ashram 11
12. How to sustain and safeguard Kåñëa Consciousness of devotee children? 12
12.1 Parents should not allow their children to fail 13
 13. Saàskäras 13
14. The position of a woman in Vamashrama system 14
14.1 How is a woman to be treated in Vamashrama system? 14
14.2 A woman is always protected 15
14.3 Duties of a husband 16
14.4 Duties of a wife in a Gåhastha ashram 17
14.5 A wife makes Gåhastha ashram safe 17
14.6 Serving one's husband: 18
• Anusuya advises Sétä 18
• Queen Draupadé advises Satyabhämä 18
14.7 Chaste wife has a share in the spiritual advancement of her husband 20
15 Key to success in the Gåhastha ashram 20
16 Grooming children important activities for householders 21

- PART II –

™ Success in the Gåhastha Asrama 23

™ Guidelines for selecting one's partner 23
™ Six thumb rules 23
™ Understanding the Male Ego 23
™ General Psychology 24
™ Man's Psychology 24
™ Women's Psychology 24
™ Typical Challenges and situations faced by Gåhastha couples in Kåñëa
Consciousness and possible solutions 25

1. Couple married before coming to Kåñëa Consciousness 25

2. One spouse in Kåñëa Consciousness before marriage and the other not 25
3. Both devotees before getting married 27

I. Staying with parents 27

II. Lack of sensitivity 23
III. Poor communication 31
IV. Lack of respect / trust 31
V. a. Husband and wife speak with each other rudely 32
b. Husband speaks very rudely to his wife in the presence of his parents 32
VI. Only one partner wants a child 33
 VII. Complacency after marriage 34
VIII. Immature understanding of ones's social responsibility 34
IX. Mot Understanding one's role in Marriage 35
X. Imperfect understanding of devotional service/ neglecting house-hold duties 35
XI. Comparing one's spouse to other devotees 36
XII. Making the husband fee! small 37
XIII. Nagging 37
XIV. Washing dirty linen in public 38
XV. Not respecting one's wife 38
XVI. Difference of opinion in bringing up one's child 38
XVII. The husband and the wife blame each other for lack of progress in their Kåñëa
consciousness 39
 - PART I -

1. Vedic Culture and Varnashrarna Dharma

Real civilization is not concerned simply with man's animal needs - eating (ahar)
sleeping (nidrä) defending out of fear (bhayä) and mating (maithun) but with
enabling man to understand his relationship with God, the Supreme father. The Vedic
literature describes three stages of spiritual development: sambandha - to know our
relationship with the Supreme lord, abhideya - to act accordingly and prayojana, to attain
the purpose for which we establish our relationship. In the scriptures, we encounter
many principles or injunctions, which seem difficult in our modern day situation.
However, it is indeed necessary to understand the spirit behind the Vedic injunctions and
implant it in our lives. Vedic culture is so nice and perfect that we should make earnest
efforts to actually practise these principles in everyday life as much as possible.
The subject matter presented in this monograph deals with the duties and
responsibilities of a householder, Gåhastha, an integral aspect of the esteemed
Varnashram society and Vedic culture.
The çästra describes that there are 400,000 species of human life, which provides a rare
opportunity to get out of the cycle of birth and death and go back to Godhead. The Supreme
Lord Kåñëa is the creator of everything. He is the creator of Daivi Varna ashrama dharma
(divine social order) beginning with the intelligent class of men, technically
called brähmaëas due to their being situated in the mode of goodness (satva guëa).
Next is the administration/martial class, technically called the kñatriyas due to their being
situated in the mode of passion, (rajo guëa). The mercantile class called the vaiçyas, are
situated in the mixed mode of passion and ignorance and the çüdras or labour class are situated
in the mode of ignorance (tamo guëa).
Human society, all over the world can be classified in terms of one's work and
qualifications and not by birth. Then again there are four orders of life in the spiritual social
system, namely the student life (brahmacäré ashrama), the householders' life (gåhastha
ashrama), the retired life (vänaprastha ashrama) and the renunciant's life (sannyäs ashrama). It is to
be emphasized that for each and every one of the above-mentioned divisions of life, the -aim must
be to please the Supreme Personality of Godhead. This is Vedic culture.
Lord Caitanya Mahäprabhu instructed Sanatäna Goswämé that of the 400,000 species of
human life, very few are cultured, i.e. following the principles of Varna ashrama dharma. Those
who are following do not necessarily understand that the purpose is to elevate oneself
gradually to the transcendental platform, to establish one's relationship (sambandha)
with the Supreme Brahman, Lord Kåñëa.

1.1 Vedic culture & Gåhasthasram

Çréla Prabhupäda has stated that Gåhasthasram is meant for regulating the human mind
so that it may become peaceful for spiritual advancement. A human being is endowed with
a gross body and a subtle body. To maintain the gross body, there is a need for accumulating
wealth, a house, household items, grains etc. For the prospects of the subtle body, one needs
proper spiritual knowledge and occupation. Gåhastha ashram is a complete package in the
Vedic culture. Thus it is accepted that a Gåhastha earn wealth, acquire a household and other
facilities. As per the çästra, he is also allowed limited sense gratification inclusive of sex for
raising Kåñëa conscious and responsible children. Unfortunately, in the depraved society of

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today, the sex element has been separated from the Vedic package and has been made the
focus of married life. Sexual relationship between a man and a woman outside the
sanctity of marriage is considered the "in thing",

1.2 The goal of the Gåhastha ashrama and other ashramas

ƒ An ashrama is a place where one takes shelter of the Supreme Lord. Therefore the
goal of all ashramas is to take the shelter of the Lord.
ƒ Gåhastha ashrama is "griha stitha ashrama" or in other words, a place where one has
taken shelter of the Lord by staying in a home, living with family members but keeping
Lord Kåñëa in the centre.
ƒ All the four ashramas are equal in terms of importance that is given to the
principle of taking ashraya or shelter of the Lord.
ƒ Performing devotional service to the Lord Hari is the only purpose of life. There is no
other purpose.

2. Differentiation of the ashramas based on the strength of renunciation and

means of livelihood
ƒ According to Çréla Prabhupäda, what differentiates the four ashramas is the
strength of renunciation and means of livelihood. The brahmacärés, the vänaprasthas
and the sannyäsés do not possess any money, or at least are not supposed to earn money.
They depend entirely on the Gåhastha ashrama, which is the only ashrama meant to
earn a livelihood.
ƒ The brahmacäré, the vänaprasthas and the sannyäsés are symbols of renunciation and
are meant to set examples to the Gåhastha ashrama to follow. Because Gåhastha
ashrama is also an ashrama, Gåhasthas should endeavour to internally cultivate the
same spirit of renunciation that the other three ashramas have. But the cultivation
of spirit of renunciation must not be external or artificial.
In this context., the practical instruction given to a householder by Çré Caitanya
Mahäprabhu, the Supreme Lord Himself, may be cited.
The Lord said to a devotee, "Be patient and return home. Don't be a crazy fellow.
Bye and bye you will be able to cross the ocean of material existence. You should not be a
show bottle devotee and become a false renunciate. For the time being, enjoy the world in a
befitting way but do not get attached to it. Within your heart, you should keep
yourself very faithful but externally, you may act like an ordinary person.
Thus, Lord Kåñëa will soon be pleased with you and deliver you from the clutches of
Maya". [ Caitanya Caritämåita Ädi 15.26.27 }
ƒ A householder should take the principle of renunciation very seriously but should
not be a "show bottle renunciate."

2.1 The Importance of Gåhastha ashrams

ƒ The importance of the Gåhastha ashrama is because it gives birth to,
nourishes, sustains and preserves all the four ashramas. By serving other ashramas
and also brähmaëas within its own ashrama, the Gåhastha ashrama flowers,
prospers and becomes nourished in the spiritual culture of Vedic civilization.
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 ƒ It is through the Gåhastha ashrama that the Vedic and spiritual culture is best
manifested to the society.

2.2 Grihamedhi vs Gåhastha

ƒ Simply living in a home with a husband/wife and children does not make one a
Gåhastha. A grihamedhi is one who lives externally in a Gåhastha environment but
whose goal of life is sense enjoyment.
ƒ A Gåhastha lives a God centered life. He knows the ultimate goal of life but is not
able to be completely renounced. A Gåhastha is aware that the sense
ratification permitted to him will eventually lead to misery and therefore he
sincerely endeavors to overcome his tendency for sense gratification by practicing
Kåñëa Consciousness.
ƒ If a husband and wife combine together in Kåñëa consciousness and live to gether
peacefully, help each other and serve each other that is very nice. However, if one is
attracted to the opposite sex simply for sex enjoyment, then it becomes an
impediment to spiritual progress and the implications of materialistic life will again
resume.
ƒ It is a glorious combination when the husband engages himself and his wife in
devotional service, and the wife is faithful and religious according to the Vedic injunctions.
ƒ The Supreme Lord Kåñëa compassionately describes how a householder should act until
his natural propensity for sense gratification, for enjoying sense objects is overcome
and he fully attains the characteristics of a pure devotee. "Having awakened
faith in the narrations of My glories, being disgusted with all material activities,
knowing that all sense gratification leads to misery but still being unable to renounce
all sense enjoyments, My devotee remains happy and worships Me with great faith
and conviction. Even though he is sometimes engaged in sense enjoyment. My
devotee knows that all sense gratification leads to miserable result and he sincerely
repents such activities."
ƒ Within this material world, the sex impulse is so strong that even a sincere
candidate in the loving service of the Lord may sometimes be disturbed by sex
attraction or by lingering sentiments for wife and children. Although attached to
material things he can see clearly that they lead to no good because they simply
give him trouble and disturb his devotional service to the Supreme Lord. Therefore, he
sincerely repents his foolish attachment to many material things and patiently awaits
Lord Kåñëa's mercy. [Çrémad Bhägvatam, 11.20.27-28]

2.3 The status of Gåhastha ashrama and Varna ashrama systems

Çréla Prabhupäda has said that it does not matter whether one is a brahmacäré, a
Gåhastha or a sannyäsé. He must try to be a confidential servant of Lord Kåñëa.
ƒ The institution of marriage in the Vedic perspective is not to be condemned. Lord
Brahma, Lord Shiva and Yamaraja, who are described as mahajanas are Gåhasthas.
Lord Gauranga was an ideal Gåhastha and later an ideal sannyäsé. Many of the
associates of Lord Gauranga also had a married life. Arjuna was a Gåhastha, a king and a
politician. The Supreme Lord Kåñëa selected Arjuna for imparting the highest
transcendental knowledge. Çréla Vyasadeva was a householder.

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 ƒ It is our sacred duty to serve the original system so that Kåñëa Consciousness pan
prevail all over the society and usher in happiness for all.

3 Duties and responsibilities in general in Gåhastha ashrama

ƒ The foremost duty of a Gåhastha is to render service. The Gåhastha ashrama is meant
to serve ail four ashramas besides serving brähmaëas within its own ashrama.
ƒ It is described that service in the Gåhastha ashrama is like crossing over a hill because
there are so many obstacles. The duties and responsibilities can be painful at times.
However the service should be rendered in a spirit of detachment, sense of duty with
proper understanding for a harmonious living in Kåñëa Consciousness.
ƒ Gåhastha ashrama is an ashrama of sacrifice. A Gåhastha works for the benefit of
everyone facing all sorts of circumstances.
ƒ Vedic culture is a culture of sharing and giving with the consciousness that
everything in the universe is controlled and owned by the Lord and that one should
accept only those things that necessary for himself, which are set aside as his quota.
ƒ A Gåhastha's main duty is to constantly chant the Holy names of the Lord, serve
vaiñëavas and the Supreme Lord, with the help of one's relatives and wealth acquired
through one's pious life.

4. Debts in Gåhastha Ashrama

It is to be remembered that when one is born and lives in the material world, one
becomes the recipient of so many benefits from different sources. Therefore, one is
indebted and all through one's life, one accumulates more and more debts. [Purport;
Caitanya Caritämåita Madhya 22.141; Lecture on Bhagvad Gétä at Los Angeles S81 211BG LA
among others.]
ƒ However, Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu has recommended for this age, the most
practical way of discharging one's debts, that is, to become a sincere devotee of the
Supreme Lord Kåñëa, perform the sanKértana yajna by chanting the mahamantra
and thus become free from all types of obligations.

5. Way of living in Gåhastha life

The scriptures prescribe many regulations (do's and don't's) for a Gåhastha. Since the
focus is on devotional service, the emphasis is clearly on becoming a good devotee of Lord
Kåñëa.
Important Do's are:
ƒ The following recommendations for making spiritual advancement, are
important because they are practical even in the present age.
ƒ Rising early in the morning and taking a bath.
ƒ Greeting and worshipping the Deities.
ƒ Chanting the prescribed number of rounds attentively and with devotion.
This is a vital aspect of devotional service.
ƒ Worshipping Tulsi Devi.
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 ƒ Hearing/ reading daily from scriptures like Çrémad Bhägvatam and
Bhagavad-Gétä
ƒ Offering bhoga and honouring prasädam, vaiñëavas and brähmaëas.
ƒ Performing charity in the mode of goodness.
ƒ Perform sacrifices, the best being the sanKértana yagna. Devotional
service unto the Lord is the most important feature of a Gåhastha's life.
In essence, "name ruci, jéva dayä and vaiñëava sevä" Some Don'ts are:
ƒ A Gåhastha should not do anything that is not related to Lord Kåñëa and he should
not unnecessarily mingle with materialistic people.
ƒ A Gåhastha devotee should perform his prescribed duties and not be indifferent in
the name of being "detached."
ƒ He should not be excessively attached to homely comforts in the company of wife,
children, relatives etc.

6. Gåhastha and Deity worship

Performance of devotional service is a prime function of Gåhastha. After çravaëaà
kértanaà viñëoù smaraëaà, päda-sevanam comes the process of arcanaà, worship of the Deity.
Çréla Prabhupäda has recommended that initiated devotees follow the principles of Närada-
païcarätra, by worshipping the Deity in the temple. Especially for house holder devotees, who
are opulent in material possessions, the path of Deity worship is strongly recommended. An opulent
householder without being miserly can collect luxurious paraphernalia for Deity worship. A less
endowed person can also perform Deity worship at home in a simple but devotional way. In
Kåñëa consciousness movement there are brahmacärés, gåhasthas, vänaprasthas and sannyäsés ,
but the Deity worship in the temple should be performed especially by the
householders.[Çrémad Bhägvatam Purport 7.5.24]
ƒ Çréla Prabhupäda has stated that Gåhastha devotees are generally engaged in material
acitvities and therefore they should take to Deity worship. Gåhastha devotees are advised
to adopt Deity worship according to the suitable arrangements and directions given by
the. spiritual master. The special purpose of Deity worship is to keep oneself always
pure and clean. Gåhastha devotees should be actual examples of cleanliness. [ Çrémad
Bhägvatam Purport 7.5.24 ]
ƒ Where should one perform Deity worship? It could be a simple process at home if
one has Deities. However, the presiding Deities at the temple take
precedence over Deity worship at home. If a Gåhastha lives near a temple, then at-
tending the temple and festivals there should be his focus.

6.1 How to earn one's livelihood in Gåhastha ashram: Do's and Don't's
ƒ A Gåhastha must earn wealth to maintain his family. But he must do it in an
uncomplicated way.
ƒ Simple living and high thinking is the motto of a Kåñëa conscious Gåhastha. He is not
an unduly ambitious individual trying to earn more money than necessary, hoarding
more goods than necessary.
ƒ In the process of teaming his livelihood, a Gåhastha should not be unfair to others,

5
 not exploit or cheat others, nor cause cruelty or injustice to others.
ƒ He must not perform sinful activities. He must work honestly according to his
qualifications and his prescribed duties.
ƒ He should not be corrupt in his earning or spending.
The guiding principle is that a Gåhastha must earn enough money in a straight
forward Kåñëa Conscious way to keep body and soul together, to serve the Supreme
Lord, to keep his family together, chant together, worship the deities together and to
call devotees home to serve them and feed them Kåñëa prasäd.
ƒ If a devotee desires to earn a large sum of money for Kåñëa's service, he should seek
guidance from a senior Vaiñëava and should be careful not to entangle himself in
dubious and risky ventures, threatening his mental peace and health.
ƒ Gåhastha ashram is full of anxieties, such as getting children married,
providing education to one's children, buying a house, etc., all of which require
certain amount of money. One should not be unduly anxious about household
affairs. While doing one's duty as a parent a Gåhastha devotes is aware that his chil-
dren have their own' karmic destiny and free will. One should simply try to
execute one's responsibilities surrendering to Kåñëa with full faith in Him. The real
meaning of the word ashraya, implicit in Gåhastha ashram, is to fully depend on the
Supreme Lord in all of one's activities taking His shelter.
Bhaktivinoda Öhäkura has sung, "chant the holy name of Kåñëa without offense.
Kåñëa is our mother, Kåñëa is our father and Kåñëa is the treasure of our life."
ƒ A Gåhastha should see his family members as Kåñëa's representatives, although
he should be doing his very best to maintain and protect them. Internally, one should
have the understanding that this is Kåñëa's family. Discharging one's duties in such a
consciousness, ushers in a feeling of trusteeship and inculcates an attitude of earning
one's livelihood iii a pious way.
ƒ How does a Gåhastha practice detachment? Detachment from one's children, wife
and home does not mean that one should have no feelings for them. They are
natural objects of our affection, but when they are not favorable for our Kåñëa
consciousness, one should not be attached to them. However, sincere efforts to make
them Kåñëa conscious should not be given up. The process of Kåñëa
consciousness is very simple and joyous to perform. Every Gåhastha should
endeavor to train his family members in Kåñëa consciousness. In such a
household, where all the members are Kåñëa conscious, there is no need to
change from family life to renounced life.

7. Giving in charity - A sacred duty in Gåhastha ashra

ƒ Giving in charity and serving guests, make Gåhastha ashram most auspicious. A
Gåhastha makes spiritual advancement by giving in charity to the other three ashram
as, which are meant exclusively for making spiritual progress. They are not supposed
to be burdened with the problems of earning a livelihood for food, clothing and
shelter. This is the inherent strength and also the beauty of Gåhastha ashram. It is a
benediction.
ƒ In the Bhagavad-Gétä, the Lord says that charity should be given in the right
consciousness (mode of goodness) to the right person at the right time and place. The
house holders should give donations on a regular basis to the temple, even very little,
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 if that is all they have. They should cultivate this habit right from the beginning of
their life in Kåñëa Consciousness . Some devotees think that they will wait until they
make a lot of money. Giving in charity regularly from whatever material wealth the
Lord provides helps us in our Kåñëa consciousness. According to Çréla Prabhupäda,
ideally, a householder should give up to 50% of his earnings to Kåñëa, 25% for family
and 25 % as saving for exigencies.
ƒ Gåhasthas should fee! a sense of responsibility and should show compassion for all
those who are suffering or are in need.

8. Serving guests/ Dealings with others

ƒ A Gåhastha should try his level best to be correct in his dealings with others. He
should serve a guest according to his capacity and means and try to satisfy the guest in
every possible way. In the Vedic tradition, a guest is a representative of the Supreme
Lord, even if he is not a devotee, (atithi devo bhäv.) Atithi in sanskrit means a person
(guest) who comes on any day ( a-tithi), unannounced. A Gåhastha is duty-bound to
look after the guest in a very nice Kåñëa conscious way.
ƒ The wife of a householder is called Dharma-patné. She is expected to assist her
husband in serving their parents, relatives and guests nicely.

8.1 How to offer hospitality? The right consciousness

ƒ Offering hospitality is not a matter of formality but one of consciousness. A
guest must feel welcome.
• A Gåhastha should ensure that his guest does not leave his home dissatisfied.
Love and warmth is the principal element in hospitality to guests. The process of
serving should not be ritualistic or mechanical. Çrémad Bhägvatam [1. T3. 5-7.] describes
how king Yudhiñöhira and his family welcomed Mahätmä Vidura to Hastinäpura after a
very long period of absence,
"With great delight they all approached him {Vidura), as if life had returned to their
bodies. They exchanged obeisances and welcomed each other with embraces. Due to anxieties
and long separation, they all cried out of affection. King Yudhiñöhira then arranged to offer
sitting accommodations and reception. After Vidura ate sumptuously and took sufficient rest,
he was comfortably seated. Then the King began to speak to him, and all who were present
there listened."
Çréla Prabhupäda in his purport says: "King Yudhisthra was expert in reception also,
even in the case of his family members. Vidura was well received by all the family members by
exchange of embraces and obeisances. After that, bathing and arrangements for a
sumptuous dinner were made, and then he was given sufficient rest. After finishing his rest,
he was offered a comfortable place to sit, and then the King began to talk about all
happenings, both family and otherwise. That is the proper way to receive a beloved friend, or
even an enemy.
According to Indian moral codes , even an enemy received at home should be so well
received that he will not feel any fearful situation. An enemy is always afraid of his enemy, but
this should not be so when he is received at home by his enemy. This means that a person,
when received at home, should be treated as a relative, so what to speak of a family member
like Vidura, who was a well-wisher for all the members of the family."

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 ƒ Hospitality should be offered with feelings of genuine love and devotion,
considering the guest to be the embodiment of the Supreme Lord. The Lord says in the
Bhagvad Gétä, " if one offers Me with love and devotion, a leaf, a flower, a fruit or
water, I will accept it."
ƒ So the Supreme Lord accepts service rendered with love and devotion and the
guest, who is a representative of the Lord must also be served with the same
consciousness. Kåñëa was invited by Duryodhana for a feast but did not go to his
house to have the kingly fare, instead, the Lord preferred to go to the home of Vidura,
His devotee, and enjoyed the simple meal served by him.

8.2 Serving elders/parents

ƒ If serving an atithi with love and devotion is a Vedic principle, how willing should a
Gåhastha be to serve his parents and elders in' the farhily with the same conscious ness?
Elders and parents should be spoken to very sweetly, politely, courteously and
respectfully, even if they are non-devotees.
ƒ Humility is a cardinal principle in Kåñëa Consciousness and there is no room for a
Gåhastha to feel superior because he is a devotee and: his family members are not! One
should not be harsh, rude or arrogant in one's behaviour, towards elders. At the same
time, one should not compromise with the principles of Kåñëa consciousness. Be firm in
your Kåñëa consciousness but sweet and respectful towards your parents and elders and
serve them nicely.
ƒ How to show respect towards one's elders? Touching the feet of one's parents is an
important aspect of Vedic culture. Gåhasthas should thrive on this culture. Just as a plant
flowers in a certain kind of soil, needs oxygen, light, similarly, the devotional creeper
of Kåñëa consciousness needs certain culture and atmosphere. What is this culture? This
culture is Vaiñëav culture in which there is respect for all living entities, what to speak of
one's elders and parents.

8.3 Dealing with other living entities

The following verse appears in the Pancha Tantra:

ayaà nijaù paro vaù iti gaëaëä laghuchetasämù

udäracharitänäà tu vasudhaiva kuöumbakamù
One who is narrow-minded, (laghu cetasäm) thinks in terms of this is mine, and I must
use it for myself. But one who is broad-minded (udar caritanarn), considers the whole
universe as his family, Kåñëa's family. In the Bhagvad-Gétä, the Lord says, " it should be
understood that all species of life are made possible by birth in the material nature and that!
am the seed-giving father."
ƒ A Gåhastha should accept all living beings as his own family, not just human beings in
the form of guests and near and dear ones!
ƒ A question may arise as to what we should do when we encounter pests like
rodents, cockroaches, mosquitoes etc. in our dwelling places? We must adopt
methods to keep away these pests, especially by maintaining high standards of

8
 cleanliness.
ƒ A Gåhastha is naturally kind to all animals, especially the cow, who gives milk and is
therefore a mother to mankind. Obviously, a Gåhastha who keeps Kåñëa in the centre of
his life fosters the Vasudhaiva kuöumbhakaù culture. This indeed was the culture,
before the advent of nuclear families and TV-Video culture!

8.4 Dealing with servants/subordinates

It is stated that one should treat one's servant like one's own son, keeping in mind the
principle of broad-mindedness. The servant should be as happy in your home as your son .
Give the servant your love, gifts and he will reciprocate with his service.
ƒ A Gåhastha should have a provision to serve prasäd to the servant before he himself
honours it. Otherwise, there is a possibility that there is not enough food for the
servant. Also the Gåhastha would know how much prasäd is to be cooked to keep
everybody satisfied

8.5 Distributing prasäd to persons who have not taken to Kåñëa Consciousness -
How should Gåhasthas deal with beggars?
Prasäd is Kåñëa's mercy and this should be distributed as much as possible to those
who have not taken to Kåñëa consciousness. People in general may be eating so many
materialistic foodstuffs but one little grain of Mahaprasäd connects them to Kåñëa! This is how
Çréla Prabhupäda made devotees in the beginning. The devotees who honored prasädam kept
coming back and were purified. If a materialistic person takes even one grain of prasäd, he is
assured of human birth because he is connected to Kåñëa. Whenever a grihasta / devotee is on
the street and a beggar comes asking for something, he should never be allowed to leave empty
handed. If someone approaches a Vaiñëava and asks for something, whatever he is asking for, a
Vaiñëava gives him Kåñëa. One must make it a regulation in one's life that one should
always keep a nice supply of prasäd, maybe even In small packets or something and give to
anyone who comes begging. Factually, when anyone begs, we have a chance to give him
Kåñëa.
If a beggar comes to a grihasta and if he does not have prasäd then he should
be given some money. One should not go away without giving anything. ; Even if
the person is not hungry, he is just being a show bottle, how does one know? Give
him some prasäd. If you don't have prasäd, give him some paise / rupees. One does
not know what the beggar is going to do with rupees and paise but if he receive prasäd
one knows for certain that he is going to become purified. Not giving prasäd and
sending a beggar away creates hardness of heart. Distribute prasäd and pray that
Kåñëa's mercy be upon the receiver. This is a regulation which all devotees / grihastas
should follow. It will increase an individual's Kåñëa Consciousness and allow him to
be a real vessel of Kåñëa's mercy.
While giving prasäd one should not consider oneself to be a big person or a
benefactor but a servant of the beggar. That is a Vaiñëava. One should not serve at
beggar by giving him something that he will misuse. Instead, in a humble way one
should request him to honor prasäd. If the beggar says, I do not want prasäd. I want
something else, one should just go ahead with one's activity. The beggar has been
given what he needs, whether he understands it or not.

9
8.6 Dealings of Gåhastha Men with Women
In everyday life Gåhastha men have to deal with women and vice versa. There are
also dealings with brahmacärés and sannyäsés. It is very important that the sanctity of
every ashram is preserved nicely. The following guidelines have been found to be
practical by devotees:
a. Consider a woman other than one's wife, to be one's mother.
b. It is good to be aware well that Gåhastha ashram is not a licence to deal
freely with women. Çréla Prabhupäda would often remark that contact
between a man and a woman is akin to that between fire and butter. Avoid
physical contact. This applies even after marriage 1
c. Be respectful and not frivolous.
d. Talking to other women should be need based, preferably in
presence of one's wife.
e. Take counselling from men counselors.
f. Services that involve too much interaction with women should be done
through the wife.

8.7 Dealings of Gåhastha Men with Brahmacärés & Sanyaasis

ƒ Be friendly but respectful. Give respect to their act of renunciation.
ƒ Not having a feeling of superiority by looking down on them for not being mate;
rially productive people in society.
ƒ The human society needs the service of brahmacärés and sannyäsés. Act in a
protective way so that brahmacärés and sannyäsés can be helped to maintain their
vows of celibacy in this difficult age of Kali Yuga.

8.8 Dealing of Grishastha Women with Men

ƒ Talking with men should be need - based and preferably in presence of one's
husband. Gåhasthashram is not a licence to deal freely with men. Avoid physical
contact. The rule - fire and butter applies even after marriage.
ƒ Take counselling from other women counsellors or if required from men
counsellors in presence of the counsellor's wife.
ƒ Services that involve too much interaction with brahmacärés, other men should be done
through the husband.

8.9 Dealings of Gåhastha women with Brahmacärés & sannyäsés

ƒ Frivolous behavior and or talk or attempts to attract attention e.g. giggling, laughing
loudly etc., should be avoided and proper dress code according to Vaiñëava etiquette
should be observed at all times.
ƒ Married Gåhastha women should be escorted by their husbands when they meet
sannyäsés/bramhacharis. If not, they must be escorted by another lady. This guideline is
also applicable to unmarried matajis. The dignity and sanctity of the bramhacari and
10
 sannyäs ashrams must be preserved for the spiritual well-being of the society.

8.10 Keeping pets

ƒ A Vaiñëava is naturally kind by disposition. Çivänanda Sena, an intimate disciple of
Caitanya Mahäprabhu, allowed a dog to join the party of devotees who traveled
from Bengal to Jagannath Puri to have the darshan of the Lord Caitanya Mahäprabhu.
Lord Gauräìga personally fed the dog and sent him back to Godhead. However for the
sake of cleanliness, it is advised that one not keep pets inside one's house.
ƒ In an era just gone by, Gåhasthas would have cows and oxen and take tender care of
these. Go-pälän and Go-raksha are important Vedic principles, which all
Gåhasthas should cherish and honour,
ƒ Imbibing the spirit of broad-mindedness and serving all living entities is an
important aspect of Gåhastha life. Since Kåñëa is in the center of Gåhastha ashram, the
Gåhastha life is a godly way of living. However, there are other responsibilities.

9. What should be the consciousness of a Gåhastha Devotee about having no

children /begetting a son /daughter?
For a Gåhastha devotee it does not matter whether he has a son or a daughter or no
children at all. Why is it so?
ƒ Because a devotee understands that the will of the providence is supreme and one
must be satisfied with that.
ƒ A devotee is aware that he is not destined to travel in this material world after his
death. His aspiration is to go back home back to Godhead.
ƒ A devotee does not hanker for a son or a daughter, if they come he is happy and he or
she endeavors to make them Kåñëa conscious.
A devotee does not depend on his son or daughter. He depends totally on Kåñëa, any
child born in a devotee family is a special gift.

10. What should be the consciousness of a devotee couple who decides not to have a
child ?
Gåhastha ashram means expansion. It is normal to have a child. The couple has to
determine for itself why they do not want progeny, is it because of laziness? Raising children
may mean hard work to earn more money. The wife may not want to go through the ordeal
of child bearing, keeping awake at night. If this is the cause for not having children, then it is
not renunciation .The couple should seek advice from senior Vaiñëavas and give proper
orientation to their married life.

11. Duties towards children in Gåhastha ashram

Young children are like sponges. They soak up Kåñëa consciousness and there is
practically no need to expose them to anything but Kåñëa consciousness. Children
should be protected from worldly pleasure by cultivating a joyous Kåñëa conscious
atmosphere in the house so that the children are completely satisfied and their creative
abilities are properly channelised. Unfortunately, in the modern society, parents have

11
no time for their children. They give them comforts but not abundant affection and
concern, which are needed at all the stages in their life. Children should be handled with
affection and discipline. Cäëakya Paëòita's instructions that children be given abundant
affection till the age of five, disciplined, if necessary, till they attain the age of ten and a
child be treated as a friend once he attains the age of sixteen, should be used with
circumspection.
ƒ Parents should not subject their children to excessive academic pressure. Every child
has God given intelligence and ability. The parents should constantly endeavour to
create the right conditions for a child's physical, intellectual and spiritual progress.
Parents should try to bring out the best in their children by developing a relationship of
love and trust, respect the feelings of the children and at all times and make sincere
efforts to inculcate good values in life.
ƒ Never humiliate a child in presence of others or make odious comparisons. This can
have adverse psychological influence on the child.
ƒ Parents should not fight or argue in the presence of the child and also not criticize other
devotees. A child has a natural instinct for admiring his/her parents and often a child
regards parents as role models. Therefore one should not have arguments in the first
place and most certainly not in the presence of the child.

12. How to sustain and safeguard Kåñëa Consciousness of devotee children?

ƒ One of the major concerns of devotee parents is to provide a conducive spiritual
environment to facilitate the child's Kåñëa consciousness. Every living being is a
child of Kåñëa and has an independent free will. One cannot force one's child to
serve Kåñëa. The best and the most merciful thing one can do is to be as perfect an
example as possible in one's own life. Then the child will take the instructions of
parents seriously. Parents must preach to their children and do everything in
their power to attract them to Kåñëa. The children will take your instructions
seriously to the degree that they see, their parents seriously following the
principles of Kåñëa consciousness in your own life.
ƒ If somehow or the other the children become attracted to friends who are devotees,
that would be a great benefit to them. One should orient them in this direction and
place them in a proper environment by which they become pure devotees of
the Lord. This is the foremost responsibility of the parents. However, it must be
realized that as a child gets older and reaches his mid-teenage, he may develop
the ability to do what he wants independently. The child who once
accompanied his parents to the temple in a disciplined manner may now not
cooperate. If one tries to force the child to be Kåñëa conscious, he may rebel against
Kåñëa consciousness and even reject it. It is possible that such a child may visit the
temple with his parents but will internally resent it. So the parents have to use their
intelligence and assess whether by enforcing discipline the child is coming closer to
Kåñëa or going away from Kåñëa.
ƒ If the child is really fixed on materialistic association, all that the parents can do is to
explain to the child what is right and what is wrong in a loving way. The parents
through their words and example can point out to their children what is best for
them and what will be the consequences of their going astray. Parents as a society
should work together to create an environment for Kåñëa consciousness in such an
attractive, exciting and dynamic manner that the children will be attracted to it. If
after this, the child does go astray, all that the parents can do is to be a
12
 good example, give good instructions and pray for their children. One may also
consider moving the family to a more conducive location.
ƒ It has been found that children raised in Kåñëa consciousness, who at some stage in
their life go astray to experience first hand what is material life, come back to Kåñëa
consciousness and become excellent devotees appreciating that Kåñëa consciousness is
a matchless gift.
ƒ If the parents do not give their child proper affection and concern, then the child will
feel an emptiness within his heart rather than fullness, even in the
environment of Kåñëa consciousness. Therefore, giving care, time and affection to
ones child is one of the most important aspects of raising a child in Kåñëa
consciousness. However, if the parents do not have time for their own sädhana, do not
have time to attend satsangs and associate with devotees they will not be able to inculcate
a high quality Kåñëa consciousness in their child despite their affection. There fore
raising children in Kåñëa consciousness is a matter of an intelligent and mature
balance.'
ƒ Çréla Prabhupäda in his Çrémad Bhägavatam purports [1.5.24] has stated that an
irresponsible life of sense enjoyment was unknown to the children of the
followers of the varnasrama system. The boy was even injected with spiritual
acumen before being placed by the father in the womb of the mother. Both the father
and the mother were responsible for the boy's success in being liberated from the
material bondage. That is the process of successful family planning. It is to beget chil-
dren for complete perfection. Without being self-controlled, without being
disciplined and without being fully obedient, no one can become successful in
following the instructions of the spiritual master, and without doing so, no one is able
to go back to Godhead.
ƒ In one letter (To Bhaktin Toni; Sydney 73-02-18], Çréla Prabhupäda has compared the
children of one of his disciples to the Deities in the temple. Just as some devotees have
to devote full-time to taking care of the Deities in the temple, some devotees have to
dedicate much time to taking care of their small children; and they are not ordinary
children, they are devotees. Serving, guiding, and training Kåñëa's devotees will make
you very dear to' Lord Kåñëa.

12.1 Parents should not allow their children to fail

Parents should make sure that their child brought up in a Kåñëa consciousness
environment does not get the label of being a "failure" in his studies or chosen field of
activity. Such a child tends to seek a new identity and success by taking to activities of the
wrong kind. If a child has satisfactorily functioned for five years within his family, he comes
to school confident that he will continue to succeed, he hopes to gain the love and respect
of teachers and classmates through ways similar to those that have worked with his parents.
Parents should instill confidence in their child.

13. Saàskäras
Saàskära means "purificatory rite." To make their child Kåñëa conscious, the
Gåhastha couple joyfully imparts the Vedic saàskäras, right from his/her birth and thus
help the child to eventually attain the spiritual platform.
It should be realized that spiritual health and hence the well-being of the human

13
society is greatly affected by the saàskäras imparted to the child.
janmanä jäyate çüdraù saàskäräd dhi bhaved dvijaù.
By birth, everyone is a çüdra, but by performance of saàskäras one becomes a
brhamana. Mahäbhärata (Shanti parva) mentions that there are 48 saàskäras to be
performed on every human being. Çréla Gopal Bhaööa Gosvämé has considered 10
saàskäras to be of prime importance for Gauòéya Vaiñëava and also described how to
perform them in his book, entitled "Satkriya sar dépikä," regarded by Çréla Bhakti
Siddhanta Sarasvati Öhäkura as the most authoritative book on this subject of saàskäras
for Kali-yuga. In this write up, only Garbhädäna samskar will be dealt with.
Garbhädäna saàskära: Purification of a human being starts even before his birth and
this saàskära is called Garbhadan samskar. By the performance of this saàskära, the
physical contact between a man and a woman is sanctified. Also intelligent, pious and God-
conscious children are born by the strength of performance of Garbhadan saàskära. This
is the most important saàskära which Çréla Prabhupäda has emphasised in all his purports on
the subject. Grihastas should produce children as a sacérifice to Lord Vishnu. Gåhasthas
give birth to children to make them Kåñëa conscious and liberate them.
ƒ Çréla Prabhupäda has said that before performing this saàskära, the husband and wife
should each chant 50 rounds of Hare Kåñëa Maha mantra [Letter to Çyama, Los
Angeles, 18th January, 1968], and through out the day, engage in various devotional
services, like reading and hearing. This will help purify their consciousness.
ƒ It must be noted that 50 rounds are to be chanted each time the couple unites.
Prabhupäd's explicit instructions are that a couple must individually chant 50 rounds
on the very day of Garbhädäna Saàskära.
ƒ The contention that we have become devotees though our parents did not chant
should not be used as an excuse for diluting the principles of Garbhädäna Saàskära.

14. The position of a woman in Vamashrama system

A woman in the role of wife occupies a position of pre-eminence in ancient Vedic
tradition. The Vedas place woman on a high pedestal of sublimity as indicated in the
following verse:
yatra nariyastu poojayante raniante tatra devah.
"Where woman is worshipped, demigods preside there."

14.1 How is a woman to be treated in Vamashrama system?

The success of Gåhastha ashram depends on how a woman is treated. What is the
position of a woman? In the Mahäbhärata Bhéñmadeva instructs Yudhiñöhira Mahäräja on this
very subject. This important subject is also dealt with Manu in his Manu-saàhitä.
Bhéñmadeva states:
ƒ It is very important that every single woman must be given love, adored and
honoured and the shatra says that where women are honoured, even the demigods are
pleased. Bhéñmadev states:
ƒ A home in which the women folk are not honoured, all acts become fruitless.
ƒ If the women in a family live in grief, then that family will become extinct, the -
house will be destroyed. Such is the power, unleashed when a woman is displeased or
14
 dishonored.
ƒ Women are deities of prosperity. They are the very embodiment of Laxmé devi.
Dishonoring a woman is like disrespecting Laxmé devi, who will then not cast her
benign glance on such a home.
ƒ The virtue of men depends upon women. Men are dependent on women because
whatever virtues they have is simply because these were inculcated in them by the
women-folk-by the mother, by the sister, by the wife. Hence women are worthy of
love, adoration and respect from all men.
ƒ The Vedic injunction is that all men should look upon all women, except their wife,
as their mother.
ƒ Çréla Prabhupäda said that within ISKCON, a woman should be addressed as mataji, which
is a term of respect that we show to our own mother, in Vedic society a woman is a symbol
of awe, reverence and worship.
ƒ A woman in Gåhastha ashram imparts saàskäras to the children. Thus good children are
generated, good population ensured, conducive for a God-conscious happy and
prosperous human society, Chaste and pious women can transform the condition of the
society into the mode of goodness, which is a platform for spiritual progress. Otherwise, a
hellish condition would be created in the society.
ƒ It must be concluded that the woman is always an object of warship in the Vedic society and
not an object of exploitation. Lack of this Vedic perspective is the source of many ills in the
so called "modern" society,

14.2 A woman is always protected

ƒ One who accepts a wife must be faithful A woman is physically weak and therefore, prone
to be exploited by unscrupulous elements. A woman, by nature, tends to be devoted, trusting
and faithful and likes to follow and therefore, should at all times be under the protection of a
man. According to the Vedic system, no girl should remain unmarried. A woman must be
protected in her childhood by her father, in her youth by her husband, and in her old age by
her son. So according to the Vedic system, there is no independent life for a woman.
ƒ In today's society, there is an idea of women's liberation, of the independent woman. Çréla
Prabhupäda has said that women's liberation means a woman becomes independent, is
exploited by man, has an illegitimate child, aborts the child and the exploitation continues.
ƒ When a woman is shy, chaste and restrained, she cannot be exploited because she is under
the protection of her men-folk, the father, husband and family. So at all costs, the
chastity and purity of a woman must be protected. This is the sacred principle of
our çästras. In the Bhagvad-Gétä, it is stated that with the destruction of the family
tradition, the family becomes involved in irreligion. When irreligion is
prominent in the family, the women of the family become, polluted and from
the degradation of womanhood, come unwanted progeny and this leads to hellish
conditions of life. The ancestors of such corrupt families also fall down because the
performance of rites of offering them food and water are entirely stopped.
ƒ It is therefore, necessary for women to be protected for their own happiness and for the
happiness of their family and society.
ƒ When a woman has purity, chastity and shyness, and uses these qualities in the service
of Lord Kåñëa, she is in a happy situation and earns respect from a man. Çréla

15
 Prabhupäda said "We give Kåñëa consciousness both to the woman and man equally
without distinction but to protect them from exploitation by man, we teach them to
get married and settle down.
ƒ Man, whatever he may say externally for his own sense gratification, does not
respect the so-called liberated woman.

14.3 Duties of a husband

ƒ A natural quality of a real vaiñëava is to understand how much his wife is
helping him in his devotional service, protecting him from mäyä. Then there will
be true appreciation and gratitude.
ƒ If one reads about the lives of great vaiñëavas in the scriptures, one does not find
them neglecting, demeaning or casting ill remarks on their wives. Instead one
finds great vaiñëavas to be caring and protective husbands while strictly following
the principles of Kåñëa consciousness.
ƒ According to Vedic wisdom, a good wife is a great asset for material and spiritual
prosperity.
ƒ The bodily relationship between the husband and the wife is secondary. The
primary factor is that both should help one another in the matter of advancement of
Kåñëa consciousness.
ƒ Marriage between a husband and a wife means that the husband should be
responsible for the wife's well being and protection in all cases.
ƒ As the husband, one should see that the wife is trained nicely in Kåñëa consciousness. If
one has a child it is the husband's responsibility to see that his family has no longer to
come back and take a material body in this world of birth and death.
ƒ Lord Rishabdev instructs his hundred sons that one who cannot deliver his
dependents from the cycle of repeated birth and death should never become a
Spiritual Master, a father, a husband, a mother or a worship able demigod.
ƒ Therefore, if one is not able to liberate one's wife from the cycle of birth and
death, one should not become a husband. So the husband should become qualified
spiritually and must be properly in Kåñëa consciousness to be able to guide his wife -
properly and protect her on the spiritual platform. This is the most important
responsibility that a husband has to shoulder.
ƒ Protection also entails providing all facilities to one's wife, which means that she
should not have the problem of how and where to get the food, clothes, shelter,
maintaining the home and children. The husband must shoulder the burden. The
husband must not neglect his duty and provide food, clothes, house, ornaments and
other necessities in reasonable quantity. Çréla Prabhupäda explains that providing for
the wife and children may involve hardships on the part of the husband and the wife on
her part can make it comfortable for the husband by not demanding too much.
ƒ Humility, tolerance and understanding are important attributes in performing
duties of a husband.
ƒ The husband should be faithful, devoted and dutiful. Çréla Prabhupäda explains
that one should try to be a husband like Çré Rämacandra. When Lord Rämacandra
performed the pastime of searching for Sétädevi, it was not that He was lamenting like
an ordinary person. He is the Supreme Personality of Godhead. He could have
16
 generated any number of Sétäs from His internal energy. The pastime of Rävaëa
kidnapping Sétä and Räma going in search of Sétä sets an example. Çréla Prabhupäda
states that there are two morals to be learnt from this pastime :
I. Better not to marry because so many hardships are entailed and
II. If one does marry, one must be a dutiful husband like Lord Ram and
take all kind of pains to protect one's wife, whatever the hardships. One
has to undergo, as Lord Ram is demonstrating "ek patné vratä".
ƒ A husband should not see his wife as an object of sense gratification, even though she
is his wife. A Gåhastha should be aware that just as he belongs to Lord Kåñëa,
similarly, his wife, children, wealth, are all the property of Lord Kåñëa. The husband
should therefore respect and care for his wife and children as the sacred property of
Kåñëa entrusted in his care.
ƒ A Gåhastha may tend to develop pride because he is the one who provides for the
family, he is the one who protects the wife. The husband has this service of providing
for the family but he is not meant to be a dictator or an autocrat. He should not ill-
treat his wife, beat her or be insensitive about her feelings. He must ensure that his
wife is fully satisfied in the house and is happy in every way. The husband should
protect his wife physically, emotionally and spiritually.
ƒ A husband has to be especially kind, considerate and loving when his wife is
pregnant. While he should create conditions for the wife to hear Çrémad Bhägvatam
and other scriptures so that the unborn child has the right saàskäras, he must extend
his full cooperation.
ƒ A husband should be especially considerate, compassionate and helpful when his
wife gives birth to a child and has to pass through the difficult phase of mother
hood, which can disturb her physical and mental state and also her devotional service.
A husband should rise to the reasonable expectations of his wife and should do his
very best to help his wife in every possible way.
ƒ Humility, tolerance and understanding are important attributes in performing
duties of a husband.

14.4 Duties of a wife in a Gåhastha ashram

From the viewpoint of religious duties, a husband and wife are considered one
entity, one identity in body and mind and they should serve Lord Kåñëa as one being.
The woman in a Gåhastha ashram is called “ardhäìginé”, which means half the body of
the husband. According to Vedic injunctions, the wife is accepted as the better half of
the man's body because she is responsible for discharging half the responsibilities of
the husband in all religious observances. The husband is incomplete without the wife.
Being one with her husband and being protected and guided by him, she can be happy. If
she tries to be independent, she will be unhappy.

14.5 A wife makes Gåhastha ashram safe

Though the husband protects the wife, the latter protects the husband in a very
important way. This is nicely illustrated in the story of King Puraïjana described in the Çrémad
Bhägvatam. Çréla Prabhupäda explains in his purport that the body is like a fort, the senses
are like plunderers and the wife is the commander of the-fort. In other words, when one's

17
consciousness is attacked by the call of the senses, then the wife, commander of the fort
(durgä-pati), comes to one's rescue. She is the protection of the husband who would
otherwise go astray and perform irreligious activities. She controls her husband not by
harsh words, not by challenging him, not by arrogance but by her affection, her chastity,
and her serving spirit. This way, she makes the Gåhastha ashram safest among the ashramas.
The wife can advise her husband when he is going on a wrong track. Mandodari, who
was epitome of a chaste wife gave good advice to Rävaëa who did not heed her good advice.
Similarly, Dhåtaräñöra received good counsel from Gändhäré. Vali's wife, Tära, knew there was
danger for Vali when Sugréva challenged him but the arrogant and proud Vali disregarded
his chaste and wise wife's advice and was killed.
The wife should give good counsel to her husband in a humble and sweet way without
bruising his feelings. If he stubbornly disregards her good advice, then he alone has to suffer
the results of his karma.

14.6 Serving one's husband:

It is very important that a wife should always serve the husband faithfully, devotedly and
sincerely. We find this counsel in the Rämayana and also Mahäbhärata.
ƒ Anasüyä advises Sétä: When Lord Räma and Sétä were in exile, they visited the
beautiful ashram of Atri muni and his chaste wife Anasüyä. During this stay, Anasüyä
advised Sétä thus:

nagarastho vanastho vä päpo vä yadi väshubhaù .

yäsän stréëäà priyo bhartä täsäà lokä mahodayäà
Worlds that are attended with great prosperity await those women to whom their
husband is dear no matter whether he lives in a city or a forest , whether he is propitious
or adverse. This instruction is at the very root of a successful Gåhastha life, Husband's honor
must be wife's honor, his joy her joy.
ƒ Queen Draupadé advises Satyabhämä: Queen Draupadé was a chaste wife who had to
serve five husbands. In this context the advice given by Draupadé to Satyabhämä, the wife
of Lord Kåñëa is indeed very instructive.
The Päëòava Princess and their wife Draupadé had been exiled from their kingdom and
were now living in the forest. One day. Lord Kåñëa and His wife Satyabhämä chanced to
visit them. Draupadé and Satyabhämä had riot seen each other for a long time and after some
pleasant conversation, Satyabhämä asked, "Draupadé, 1 know that you are able to rule your
husbands, who are as strong and handsome as the chief gods put why are they so obedient to
you and never upset by you ? Please explain what you are doing so I may get Kåñëa to
always obey me also."
Queen" Draupadé replied, "The eternal virtue for a woman is based on her concern for
her husband. The husband is the wife's god or master and her shelter. Truly she has no other
refuge. Why then should she hurt her husband in even the slightest degree?-Whether I am
sleeping, eating or ornamenting myself, I never act against the will of my husbands. Always
directed by them, 1 never speak badly about my mother-in-law." Satyabhämä asked, "Is that
all?"
Draupadé replied, "No, there are also other things - such as the way I act towards my
exalted husbands. For example, I lay aside my vanity, restrain my desire and anger and always

18
wait on them and their other wives with devotion. I control my jealousy and with love in my
heart and without feeling humiliated with the work I do, I serve my husbands. I am afraid to
say what is wicked or untrue, or to look or sit or walk improperly, or to glance at them in a way
that reveals the feelings of my heart. My heart is not disposed with any other male, be he
human, celestial, Gandharva, young, ornamented, wealthy or handsome. I never bathe, eat or
sleep till my husbands and our servants have. Whenever my husbands return from the field,
woods or towns, I immediately get up and offer them my respects by providing them with
water and a seat. I am always busy serving my husbands and I never desire to be away from
them. When my husbands leave home to visit some relatives, I don't wear any kind of flowers or
scented paste and practice austerities. Whatever my husbands don't drink, eat or enjoy, I also
don't. I always seek the good of my husbands and always wear ornaments and follow
instructions. Day and night, without the slightest idleness, 1 always discharge those
obligations of which my mother-in-law informed me, namely, those regarding
relatives, charity, worshipping the gods, offering to the ill etc. With humility and under
accepted regulations, I attend to my modest, truthful, ever virtuous husbands, as if they
were poisonous snakes that could easily be agitated."
ƒ Bhéñmadeva says in the Mahäbhärata that for men many kinds of religious sacrifices
have been ordained. He has to give in charity, he has to fast. But these things are not
ordained for women. She is ordained to just serve her husband.
ƒ Even if she is not a devotee or the husband is not a devotee, the wife can attain the
heavenly planets just by serving her husband in a chaste way. Imagine the benefits that
will accrue if both husband and wife are devotees, the wife serves the husband
submissively with chastity, humility and sweet words!
ƒ When the wife comes in front of her husband, she should be jolly and cheerful, clean
and well dressed. She should be clever in household management; keeping things neat and
clean and economical in her expenses. On the other hand, the husband should provide
sufficiently. In this arrangement there will be money saved for rendering service
to Lord Kåñëa and His devotees.
ƒ Even if the husband is irritable, does some things a little off, she must be
understanding and take these tendencies in her stride and adapt herself to her
husband's situation to the best of her ability.
ƒ The wife can draw inspiration from the role models described in the Çrémad
Bhägvatam. Devahüti served her husband, Kardama Muni in the forest, sensing and
understanding what her husband wanted and what was his mood, what was his
consciousness, and thus as a chaste wife, she was successful in pleasing her husband.
ƒ Çréla Prabhupäda explains in one purport that for a woman, the first principle of
religion is to serve her husband.
ƒ Both husband and wife must follow their Guru's instructions and the husband must
follow the Spiritual Master so nicely that he can create the right atmosphere for
Kåñëa consciousness.
ƒ The wife should not expect her husband to be like Lord Räma if she is not
following the footsteps of Sétä and vice versa.
ƒ Both, husband and wife should try to follow in the footsteps of ideal Gåhasthas, serve
each other and be happy in Kåñëa Consciousness,
ƒ Even if the husband is a neophyte devotee, still the wife should serve him.

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14.7 Chaste wife has a share in the spiritual advancement of her husband
ƒ A wife shares the spiritual advancement of her husband, simply by serving him. Even
if she is not a devotee, she gets all the benefits that the husband gets, simply by serving
him. Chastity and service to the husband, have such power that the wife
automatically shares in the spiritual advancement and piety of her husband. In this
regard, the example of Devahüti is very instructive. Devahüti was the most beautiful
and virtuous daughter of the great King, Svayambhuva Manu. After the marriage to
Kardama Muni, she stayed in the forest with him, as a mendicant, undergoing so many
hardships. She lost her beauty and her body luster, became frail and thin, but seeing
her chastity and her service attitude, Kardama Muni's heart softened and he blessed
her. Not only did Devahüti regain her beauty but she also received Lord Kåñëa's
grace through her husband. She became spiritually advanced imperceptibly, gradually
but surely.
ƒ However, in spite of the husband being in proper spiritual knowledge, in spite of the
husband having trained his wife very carefully according to religious principles, if she
commits sin and is disobedient, then the husband is not responsible.
ƒ It is described that a chaste wife and her husband go to the same destination. She gets the
same husband in the next birth. The examples are Sutapä and Prishni, Aditi and
Kashyap, Devaké and Väsudeva. If the husband is devout, very spiritual, he will attain
higher and higher destinations and simply on the strength of her chastity, the wife will
follow. A wife can save her husband who indulges in sinful activities by the power of
her chastity.
ƒ It must be noted that the above discussion is on the platform of dharma, artha, käma,
mokça based on material considerations and religiosity. The chaste wife will have
even more power if she is a devotee of Lord Kåñëa.
ƒ A man gets power by celibacy (brahmacharya) and woman gets power by chastity
from being faithful to her husband.
ƒ When a man sees chastity, shyness and innocence, he becomes inspired to drop his own
barriers and respect her in return. This encourages the natural tendency on the part
of the male to be protective and chivalrous. Shyness is a gift of nature to the fair sex.
[Çrémad Bhägvatam 1.10,16]

15. Key to success in the Gåhastha ashram

ƒ The key to success in the Gåhastha ashram is to keep Lord Kåñëa in the centre.
Man is like butter and woman is like fire. So it is but natural that when a man and
woman come together, there is an attachment on the bodily platform. If this
attachment is diverted (deflected) towards Lord Kåñëa, then it can become perfect
Gåhastha life.
ƒ Married life is not for sex indulgence. The principle of marriage is on the
background of getting good children. The house-holder is allowed to have sex life once a
month, just after the wife's menstrual period, which prolongs for at least for five
days. So after these five days, one can have sex life provided the Gåhastha desires to get
a child. As soon as the wife is pregnant, no more sex life until the child is born and
becomes at least 6 months old. After that one may have sex-life on the same principle. If
one does not want more than one or two children, he should voluntarily stop sex life. But
one should strictly not use any contraceptive method and at the same time indulge
in sex life. That is very much sinful. [ Çréla Prabhupäda's letter to Satsvarüpdas 68-09-20
20
 San Francisco]
ƒ There is a saying that "A family that prays together, stays together". Therefore, a man
and woman should live together only in relation to Kåñëa, understanding from a
spiritual point of view that this is not my husband or my wife and we are all parts and
parcel of Lord Kåñëa.
ƒ Externally, we should perform our duties of husband and wife very nicely but our
consciousness, the purpose of our lives should be to help each other to love and serve
Lord Kåñëa. A family means to come together, chant Hare Kåñëa, serve the Lord,
hear Çrémad Bhägavatam, honour prasädam and be happy. This holds good for any
family - the family of Gåhasthas, family of devotees or the family of the human species
in the entire Universe.
ƒ Do sankirtan yagna every day, hear and chant about Lord Kåñëa, distribute
prasädam, serve the devotees, thus keep Kåñëa in the centre and make our life
perfect.
ƒ If we want a plant to grow, it is not enough just to sow the seed, one requires
proper soil, air and water. Similarly, if we want the creeper of devotional service to
Kåñëa to grow, it is necessary to provide proper Vedic culture and environment in our
homes, in the temple, in the community. It is then possible to lead a happy Kåñëa
conscious life and create a Kåñëa conscious society.

16. Grooming children important activities for householders

The following activities should engage the attention of householders:
Festivals: They are very important for householders. Men should try to take time
off from work. Women should dress nicely. Plan these activities ahead of time even with the
whole family doing the planning. Make sure that the children are included and get great
spiritual taste. Festivals done properly leave deep saàskäras in children's mind, very important
in their becoming devotees.
Hearing: The house can be filled with transcendental sound vibrations. Lectures can
be played while cooking, cleaning, bathing etc. Kértan tapes can always be played. Children
enjoy listening to Kértans.
Rising early: With love and affection children can be trained to rise early. They can
develop quality of determination. If the children get up early then they can be trained to
chant, recite çlokas etc.
Using science and technology: We are living in an era of science and technology.
While we can use everything in Kåñëa's service, we should be careful that technology does not
distract our Kåñëa consciousness. Turn off mobile phones during Ärotik and Kértana
performed at home/temple. And while honouring prasädam. Use internet only when needed
In work or in Kåñëa's service. Avoid T.V. altogether, if not practical, use it wisely and train
children to watch T.V. in a responsible way.
Attachmment to Sadhus: The family should develop deep attachment to Kåñëa's
devotees, especially, advanced devotees. This could be accomplished by inviting sadhus and
advanced vaiñëavas home for prasäd, organizing satsangs etc. Children, while not forced,
should also be encouraged to develop such relationships.
Following Vedic culture: As far as is practical, Gåhasthas should follow the standards
of Vedic culture. Still having said that, another principle is: "Somehow or the other, have a

21
successful householder life." Even if all the culture is not there, there should be peace and
Kåñëa consciousness which will please Guru and Kåñëa.

22
 - PART II –

Success in the Gåhastha Asrama : Though there are so many guidelines and role
models in the çästra for making the Gåhastha ashrama successful, why is it that there are
increasing number of failures in marriages even within ISKCON, not to mention marriages
of convenience outside ISKCON, for sheer sense gratification? This question certainly
needs to be addressed, It must be admitted that while keeping Kåñëa in the centre of one's
lives is an important criterion for success, there are several other factors, which must be
taken into consideration. Unlike marriages in the Vedic times, the husband has not been
trained as a perfect bramhacari. Further, minds of the present day partners in marriage have
already been conditioned to a large extent by the stresses and strains of modern day
education, life style and defects which can only be erased when one reaches the near
perfect stage in Kåñëa consciousness. For success in Gåhastha ashrama, the psychology of
the individuals concerned and reasons for a particular bent of mind are very important.
For Gåhastha ashram to be successful, It is essential that a proper choice of partners be
made. The guidelines are indicated below:
Guidelines for selecting one's partner :
ƒ He / she should be a devotee of good standing, that is, chanting fixed number of
rounds everyday. Associating with devotees regularly, aspiring to take initiation from
a bonafide spiritual master in ISKCON.
ƒ The woman should be submissive and chaste and the husband to be of good
character.
ƒ Importance should be given to his / her spiritual commitment; Physical appearance
(external beauty), education, and money earning capacity are not the most im-
portant criteria.
Six thumb rules :
The following six thumb rules, not necessarily spiritual in their character, are
useful in leading a happy Gåhastha life
ƒ Do not nag.
ƒ Do not forcefully try to change the nature of your partner. Be exemplary.
ƒ Do not criticize.
ƒ Give honest appreciation.
ƒ Be attentive to small acts of kindness and be a good listener.
ƒ Be courteous, respectful and honour each other.
In his illuminating purports in Çrémad Bhägavatam, Çréla Prabhupäda helps us to
understand the psychology of men and women.
Understanding the Male Ego :
Devahüti served her husband in two ways, viçrambheëa and gauraveëa. These are two
important processes in. serving-the husband or the Supreme Personality of Godhead.
Viçrambheëa means "with intimacy," and gauraveëa means "with great reverence." The
husband is a very intimate friend; therefore, the wife must render service just like an
23
intimate friend, and at the same time she must understand that the husband is superior in
position, and thus she must offer him all respect. A man's psychology and woman's
psychology are different. As constituted by bodily frame, a man always wants to be
superior to his wife, and a woman, as bodily constituted, is naturally inferior to her
husband. Thus the natural instinct is that the husband wants to post himself as superior to
the wife, and this must be observed. Even if there is something wrong on the part of the
husband, the wife must tolerate it, and then there will be no misunderstanding between
husband and wife. Viçrambheëa means "with intimacy," but it must not be with
familiarity, that breeds contempt.
According to the Vedic civilization, a wife cannot call her husband by name. In the
present civilization the wife calls her husband by name, but in Hindu civilization she
does not. Thus the inferiority and superiority complexes are recognized. Damena ca: a wife
has to learn to control herself even if there is a misunderstanding. Sauhådena vaca
madhurayä means always desiring good for the husband and speaking to him with sweet
words. A person becomes agitated by so many material contacts in the outside world;
therefore, at home, he must be treated by his wife with sweet words.
General Psychology :
The basic psychology of a man and woman are different, One is not better than, or
inferior to the other; just plain old different - apples and pears, peaches and
bananas. When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love
has a chance to blossom. We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react
and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
Man's Psychology :
ƒ A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.
ƒ To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or
that he can't do it on his own. Generally speaking when a woman offers unsolicited
advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she
may sound to him.
Women's Psychology :
ƒ A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her
relationships.
ƒ If a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse
when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems
to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.
So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her
husband thinking that he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of
solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn't pleased.
Typical Challenges and situations faced by Gåhastha couples in Kåñëa Con-
sciousness and possible solutions :
A Gåhastha couple has to face several challenges and situations in their every day fives
which make their existence miserable and thus not conducive to Kåñëa Consciousness.
A general problem is that every wife thinks that her husband is not giving her time
and every husband thinks "I am doing so much for her, what else can I do?" The situation
arises due to high expectations from each other. The general solution is to accept one's
partner as he / she is and carry out duties by mutual consultation rather than dictatorial
attitude. Labeling a woman as less intelligent and trying to lord it over her is the biggest

24
impediment in the Gåhastha ashram.
The fabric of Gåhastha ashram becomes stressful, gets weakened, jaded and often
times torn apart due to several but totally avoidable reasons. In the following
discussion, a few typical situations / challenges in Gåhastha life have been identified with
their possible solutions.

1. Couple married before coming to Kåñëa Consciousness

Surendra and Sunita were married for 3-4 years before they came into Kåñëa
consciousness through the efforts of a family friend, Arjun. They had many problems after
marriage and thought that having a child would help. But this did not happen. Though
they were becoming Kåñëa conscious gradually, the couple was drifting apart and their
son Ashok getting neglected. Until one day,
Surendra: I was thinking that you would change your ways after you came into Kåñëa
consciousness. But you have remained the same.
Sunita: How about you? Because we have constant quarrels, our son, Ashok does not
like to stay in the house. For God's sake, if you have a problem in the office, don't take it
out on me!
Surendra: I have had enough of you. I want to quit.
Suniti; What will happen to our son? What will happen to me ?
Surendra: Kåñëa will take care of the situation. (Sunita in great distress, Surendra grave
and unsure of himself)
Arjun, the family friend who had introduced them to Kåñëa Consciousness, took them
to a Counselor, whom both respected. The role of a husband and a wife in Kåñëa
consciousness was explained to them and also how their behavior would adversely
influence Ashok. Both were allowed to express themselves freely in the presence of an
impartial authority. All the differences could be sorted out. They were specifically
advised to sit together, chant together and read Kåñëa book every day. The family is
happy today!

2. One spouse in Kåñëa Consciousness before marriage and the other not
(a) Kåñëa das (Rohit) and Shilpa have been just married. Kåñëa das has been
following the process of Kåñëa consciousness since the last five years and has taken initiation
last year. Shilpa comes from a typical conservative Maharashtrian family and she has had
no exposure to ISKCON other then visiting the Juhu temple a couple of times along with
some relatives who had come from Calcutta and wanted to see the sights of Mumbai.
Kåñëa das, to please his parents has agreed to marry Shilpa rather than go through the
temple marriage board. He was convinced that it is only a matter of time before which Shilpa
also becomes a devotee.
He had explained to Shilpa before marriage about his connection with ISKCON and
had also taken her to Rädhä Gopénath Mandir in Chowpatty for darshan. She had apparently
not minded and did not object at all. The day after marriage :
Shilpa : Rohit, where are we going for our honey moon? My parents have decided to
give us air tickets to anywhere in the world. Please, let's go to Paris and then to London. I
have heard that the sights in Italy are worth seeing. Please Rohit, when are we leaving?
Rohit : Honey moon !! What are you talking, Shilpa? Don't you know that it is all
25
maya and these places you are talking about are the most sinful places on earth. No! No!
Please don't ever talk to me about honey moon. Don't you know that sex should be only for
procreation? I will come back as a die hard Karmi. I will tell you what. We will go to
Mayapur and Vrindavan and take the blessings of Their Lordships Çré Çré Rädhä Madhav and
Çré Çré Kåñëa Balaram. What better way then this to begin our married life! When we enter
Grahastha Ashram (Rohit preaches to Shilpa for over half an hour on the do's and don't's
within the Grahstha Ashram.)
Shilpa : But Rohit… everyone. goes for a honeymoon' immediately after marriage.
What will I tell my parents? They will think I am crazy going to Mayapur and Vrindavan.
Please Rohit try to understand. I have been so much eagerly waiting to go along with you to all
these wonderful places. (And then Shilpa begins to cry loudly) The situation does not
improve immediately; 6 months later.... Telephone bell rings:
Shilpa: Hello, Hi Meena, How is life? What is the latest thing happening? Really!
You'll are going to Lonavala on 15th August for 3 days! GREAT! I’ll be most happy to join.
I'll ask Rohit and call you back as soon as possible. Rohit is chanting the Hare Kåñëa
Mahamantra
Shilpa: Rohit, do you remember my friend Meena? One who gave me that big photo
frame.
Rohit: Oh! That big disfigured frame of Lord Ganesh!
Shilpa: (Angrily) Yes, the same friend! She along with my other friends is going
to Lonavaia for 3 days from 15th August. Meena is very keen that we join them. Since I have
not spent sny time with them for a very long time, I am also very keen to go.
Rohit: But I have already made some other plans, There are some special programs
in the temple on those three days, which will be very inspiring.
Shilpa: You always want me to come to the temple and programs. Same people,
same programs and late nights!
Rohit: But these three days are very important for me and you had promised
before marriage that you would take interest in Kåñëa Consciousness.
Shilpa: I am coming to the temple every Sunday and started chanting also. I am
doing all this just to please you, can't you do something to please me? Besides, you never
told me about all this before marriage.
When Rohit got married, he should have realized that he has to make
certain compromises in his life. Why get married and make another's life miserable. If
you are fixed in Kåñëa Consiousness then it is far better to displease one's parents and get
married to devotee who will afterwards please the parents rather than having a daily
fight in one's hands throughout the life.

(b) Mohandas was an initiated devotee before he married Malati. Mohandas was
expecting that Malati should take to Kåñëa consciousness like a fish takes to water. He
never bothered to spend quality time with Malati , nor did he explain the tenets of
Kåñëa consciousness and Vaiñëava etiquette to her. This resulted in daily problems and
unpleasantness.
Mohandas: There you go again! How many times must I tell you that you have to
offer obeisances to a devotee, when you see him? This morning Locandas prabhu met us on
our way to the temple and you just smiled at him!
Malati: I was dressed in a Jhari sari and besides I did not know that I had to offer
26
obeisances on the road.
Mohandas: What do you know any way? Yesterday, while cleaning the house you
placed the photograph of Çré Çré Rädhä Gopénath on the floor. You have committed an
offence; there is a limit to the nonsense I have to tolerate from you! I have half a mind to
send you back to your parents.
Malati: (Fearful and in tears)Please do not torture me like this. I really do not know
how to conduct myself.
Patience is the name of the game. Counseling involved educating the husband to show
patience, which in any case is required in one's spiritual life. The husband realized his mistake over
a period of time and became patient with her and explained to her the principles and etiquette
in Kåñëa consciousness.
Marry a devotee. If not, show patience and give enough time to one's partner to
take to Kåñëa consciousness. Do not be judgmental.

3. Both devotees before getting married

(i) Staying with parents:
When the newly married couple is staying with his parents, and they are not interested in
Kåñëa Consciousness (in fact, they think that has caused more problems), and if the son is not
able to "stand up" to his parents, then the wife really suffers. She finds her devotional
service dwindling, her own sädhana affected, and this brings resentment, frustration and
depression. She feels her husband has 'cheated' her in marriage. While the husband, not
wanting to have problems at home, expects his wife to please his parents, who "have done so
much for me". The wife thus finds herself trapped.
Satya: How was the day today? Have you chanted your rounds?
Sädhana: (virtually in tears) This is the first question you ask me every day on returning
from office. I feel like crying. Your mother keeps giving me work as soon as I sit for
chanting my rounds. I finish my cooking the first thing in the morning, so that I can give you
your breakfast prasäd and also pack your lunch. As soon as I sit for my chanting your mother
gives me some other assignment.
Satya: Somehow try to please them. Why don't you do your chanting in the
afternoon?
Sädhana: I have tried that. They want to watch the afternoon serials on the TV and
keep inviting me to see them and are upset when I give an excuse.
Satya : Why don't you finish all your house work and chant in the evenings?
Sädhana: Your mother goes for evening walks and gossips. She wants me to go with
her! Please! Why don't you speak up and tell your parents that you want to lead a Kåñëa
conscious life. Otherwise, I don't see any solution to my problem.
Satya: I do not want. to upset my parents. After all they took care of me all these years,
educated me, I owe everything to them. .
Satya has to perform his duty by his parents. But at the same time, if he and his
wife are being obstructed in their Kåñëa consciousness, Satya should speak to his parents
boldly and explain nicely what the problem is. If the parents persist in obstructing
their pursuit of Kåñëa consciousness they should, if financially independent, even
consider having a separate establishment, while retaining loving relationship with their
parents.
27
(ii) Lack of sensitivity:
The husband / wife is insensitive to emotional needs of the partner, that is, he / she
takes partner for granted. Partner does not feel cared for, though he / she may be
performing his / her duties mechanically. For example, providing money in case of
husba nd / taking care of t he house in case of wife but not trying t o
understand what will make the partner feel happjy and cared for.
(a) A week after their daughter Sétä was born, Laxmé and Kåñëadas were
completely exhausted, Each night their new-born daughter, Sétä, kept waking them up.
Laxmé' s delivery had been a difficult one and she was taking painkillers. She could
barely walk. After five days of staying home to help her, Kåñëadas went back to the
temple. Laxmé seemed to be getting better.
While Kåñëadas was away Laxmé ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling Kåñëadas at
the temple, she asked one of the brothers of Kåñëadas, who was visiting, to purchase
more. Kåñëadas's brother, however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she
spent the whole day in pain, taking care of the new-born.
Kåñëadas had no idea that her day had been so awful, When he returned home she
was very upset. Kåñëadas misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was
blaming him.
Laxmé: "I've been in pain all day. 1 ran out of pills. I've been stranded in bed and
nobody cared!"
Kåñëadas (defensively,): "Why didn't you call me?"
Laxmé: "I asked your brother, but he forgot! I've been waiting for him to return all
day. What am I supposed to do? I can barely walk, I feel so deserted!
At this point Kåñëadas exploded. His fuse was also very short that day. He was
angry that she hadn't called him. Kåñëadas was furious that she was blaming him when he
didn't even know that she was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, Kåñëadas
headed for the door. He was tired, irritable, and had heard enough. Both of them had
reached their limits. Then something started to happen that changed Kåñëadas's life!
Laxmé: "Stop! Please don't leave. This is when I need you the most. I'm in pain. I
haven't slept in days. Please listen to me." Kåñëadas. stopped for a moment to listen.
Laxmé: "Kåñëa Das, you're a fair weather friend! As soon as I'm sweet, loving Laxmé
you are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk, right out that door." Then she
paused, and her eyes filled up with tears, her tone shifted.
Laxmé: "Right now I'm in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the
most. Please come over here and hold me. You don't have to say anything. Please don't
go." Kåñëadas walked over and silently held her. She wept in his arms. After a few minutes,
Laxmé: Thank you very much for not leaving. I just needed to feel you holding me.
Kåñëadas confesses: "At that moment I started to realise the real meaning of love-un-
conditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right i had been a
fair-weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she was unhappy or
upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.
That day for the first time, I didn't leave her. I stayed and it felt great I succeeded in giving to
her when she really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting in our
love. Being there at her hour of need. I marveled at how easy it was for me to support her when I

28
was shown the way.
How had I missed this? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would
have instinctively known what Laxmé needed but as a man, I didn't know that touching,
holding and listening were so important to her. By recognizing these differences 1 began to learn a
new way of relating to my wife. I would have never believed we could resolve conflict so easily.
In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times,
simply because I didn't know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very
painful and difficult This incident with Laxmé revealed to me how I could change this pattern.
By learning in very practical and specific terms about how men and women are different, 1
suddenly began to realise that my marriage did not need to be such a struggle. With this new
awareness of our differences Laxmé and I were able to improve dramatically our communication
and enjoy our life together in Kåñëa consciousness."
(b) Neela: Prabhu, please do not go to the temple today, Stay back. I am feeling
unwell.
Nilesh : Take rest and come later on for the programme.
Neela : Please stay back today. I don't think I will be able to come.11 am feeling
feverish.
Nilesh: This is how maya tricks. If you aren't well, don't come, lam not forcing you.
Why are you stopping me?
Neela: The other day when your friend needed some help, you missed the
programme to spend time with him.
Nilesh: I knew it. You are envious when I do anything for other devotees.
Neela: Please, I didn't mean that. I meant that why cant you show the same concern
for me.
Nilesh: All of you women are the same, you are not satisfied with what you have,
you will always grumble arid complain. Nilesh leaves for the temple.
The husband doesn't consider the wife to be a devotee, feels it below his dignity
to serve his wife.
(c) Bhakti comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her
feelings about the day.
Bhakti: "There is so much to do; I don't have any time for myself.
Deva: "You should quit that service. You don't have to work so hard. Find some-
thing you like to dc."
Bhakti: says, "But I like my service. They just expect me to change everything at a
moment's notice,"
Deva says, "Don't listen to them. Just do what you can do'."
Bhakti says, "I am! I can't believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today."
Deva says, "Don't worry about it, she'll understand."
Bhakti says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me."
Deva says, "You worry too much, that's why you're so unhappy."
Bhakti angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can't you just listen to me?'
Deva says," I'm listening,"
29
 Bhakti says, "Why do I even bother?"
After this conversation, Bhakti was more frustrated than when she arrived home
seeking intimacy and companionship. Deva was also frustrated and had no idea what went
wrong. He wanted to help, .but his problem - solving tactics didn't work.
Without knowing about the needs of-women, Deva didn't understand how
important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things
worse. You see, women never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of
honoring another woman is to listen patiently with empathy. Seeking truly to
understand the other's feelings.
Deva had no idea that just listening with empathy to Bhakti express her feelings
would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Deva heard about how much
they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.
When Bhakti now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are
quite different. They sound like this:
Bhakti says, "There is so much to do. I have no time for me."
Deva takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, "Humph, sounds like you had a
hard day."
Bhakti says, "They expect me to change everything at a moment's notice. I don't
know what to do." Deva pauses and then says, "Hmmmmm."
Bhakti says, "I even forgot to call my aunt."
Deva says, with a slightly wrinkled brow, "Oh, no."
Bhakti says, "She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad."
Deva says, "You are such a loving person."
Deva gives Bhakti a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She
then says," I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I
feel much better."
Not only Bhaltti but also Deva felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his
wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differ-
ences, Deva learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Bhakti
learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or
criticism.
To summarise, the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:
1) A man tries to change a woman's feelings when-she is upset by becoming "Mr.
Fix - It" and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
2) A woman tries to change a man's behaviour when he makes mistakes by
becoming the home - improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or
criticism.
ƒ When a woman resists a man's solutions he feels his competence is being questioned.
As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willing ness to
listen understandably lessens.
ƒ A women under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her
problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood,
ƒ Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a

30
 problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems,
ƒ It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed
because he feels like a failure.
ƒ Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed.
ƒ Women are motivated and empowered when-they feel cherished.

(iii) Poor communication :

Poor communication between husband and wife is one of the main causes of
disharmony. Husband / wife may act in a particular way with good intention but the
partner resents it because the purpose behind the action has not been communicated or not
communicated well in time: At other times husband / wife may care for the partner but
is not able to communicate feelings.
When the husband/wife marry at a late age eg.35+, their views/attitudes are more
inflexible, due to having lived a long period of adult life alone, thus causing friction.
Their willingness to compromise, change, give in, forgive & forget problems between
them, is much less. Their expectation is more from their partner, and they themselves are
unwilling to adjust. This leads to strong clashes, which makes things even more difficult
to forget. This results in almost no communication between them, thus increasing
resentment towards their partner. The fault is usually the other one's!
Suresh has undergone financial setback, in his business but has not communicated it
to his wife Surekha.
Surekha: Can you give me some extra money this month? I need to buy some
curtains for the house.
Suresh: No, the old curtains are good enough.
Surekha: You always say that. You never see the need to buy anything for the
house,
Suresh: You women just think about buying this and that. There is never an end to
your needs.
Surekha; I don't understand what is your problem. Every time. I ask you for money,
you crib. I don't know what you do with the money and for whom you are earning. I
would have been better off if I had not given up my job - a fight ensues.
If the husband had explained his financial problem to his wife and not argued,
maybe she would have been more understanding and helped him.

(iv) Lack of respect / trust:

Sumitra: Prabhu, I want to go and spend a few days at my mother's place. The
children have holidays. It will be a nice change for them.
Dinesh: Say that you want a change. The children are quite happy at home. Your
parents are not even devotees. They don't follow the principles of Kåñëa Consciousness or
chant. What is the need to go there? In fact I doubt whether you follow all the rules when
you go there.
Sumitra: How can you say that!! I am an initiated devotee. I know my responsibili-
ties.

31
 Dinesh: If you really know, you would not go there. You go there because you can
enjoy freely without me to watch over you.
Sumitra: The problem is you have no faith in me.
Dinesh: You have not behaved in a way as to gain my faith - a fight ensues.
The husband could have handled the situation differently by telling his wife to
go but asking her to be careful to ensure that her spiritual life is not disturbed and the
children chant their rounds. He could have asked her to be loving to her parents
but not to compromise on the principles of Kåñëa Consciousness and preach to her
parents by her own example.

(V.a) Husband / wife speaks very rudely to his / her partner in presence of other
devotees/ family members without any consideration for the feelings involved.
Shankar: (Loud) How many times have I told you not to do this. You never seem to
learn.
Uma: Please cool down. You can talk later. There is no need to discuss in front of
others.
Shankar: Don't tell me what is right and what is wrong. First you change and then
try to change others. The biggest and the only mistake I made in my life is that I
married you.
Uma: Highly embarassed and deeply hurt walks away.
Even if the partner is wrong, there is a way of conveying without embarassing or
hurting the person. Give the benefit of doubt to the partner, hear him/her patiently
before unleashing your anger. Respect and trust your partner just as you would like to be
respected and trusted. Remember Lord Caitanya says, "AH respect to others (that
includes your spouse) and none for oneself.

(V.b) Husband speaks very rudely to his wife in the presence of his parents
without consideration of her feelings.
Aarti and Rajesh have been married for five years. Rajesh's parents, who are re-
tired stay with them. Rajesh's mother is quite domineering and Rajesh is very much
attached to her. Rajesh's father is a meek and mild man completely dominated by his wife.
One day; Rajesh comes home tired and irritated from office quite fate in the evening.
Aarti is talking to her friend Priya on the telephone regarding some devotional service.
Rajesh's parents are also in the hall waiting for their son to come as he is later than usual,
Rajesh enters the flat:
Aarti: Priya, Rajesh has just come, 1 have to attend to him now. f will call you tomor-
row, (she disconnects the phone)
Rajesh: (in an angry voice) I knew you were on the telephone. The whole day I have
been trying to contact you as I had something very urgent to tell you regarding Puneet. The
phone was continuously engaged. I am sure you must have been gossiping with your
friends the whole day. No wonder our telephone bills are sky-high. 1 can tell you that for
this month's bill I am going to send it to your dear father. As it is he did not give any dowry
when I married you. At least let him take care of the telephone bill every month.
Aarti: Please, Rajesh. Control yourself. We can talk later separately. There is no

32
need to discuss this in front of others.
Rajesh: Who are these others that you are talking about? My parents? Why should
they not hear? Remember, I am first their son and only thereafter I am your husband. Do
not ever forget this. Let them also know what sort of a foolish girl I married.
Aarti: Rajesh Please, for my sake control yourself.
Rajesh: Will you please shut up and lay the table for dinner.

Ideal situation
One day; Rajesh comes home tired and irritated from office quite late in the evening.
Aarti is talking to her friend Priya on the telephone regarding some devotional service.
Rajesh's parents are also in the hall waiting for their son to come as he is later than
usual. Rajesh enters the flat:
Aarti: Priya, Rajesh has just come. I have to attend to him now. I will call you
tomorrow, (she disconnects the phone). Haribol Rajesh.
Rajesh: (smiling at Aarti) Aarti, there is something that I need to talk to you
urgently about. Can we go to the other room for sometime.
Aarti: Sure. Rajesh.
Rajesh then takes Aarti to the other room and firmly explains to her how much
inconvenience it causes to everybody on account of her being continuously on the
phone. Aarti listens attentively and promises Rajesh not to spend so much of time on the
telephone.

(vi) Only one partner wants a child :

Sindhu: All my relatives and friends keep asking me whether there is any good
news.
Çrédhar: Not again!
Sindhu: Why do you get irritated when I broach this topic?
Çrédhar: Because I am sick and tired of hearing the same thing.
Sindhu: Well, 1 have to keep telling you till my desire is fulfilled.
Çrédhar: Now I know what it is. It is not that others ask, actually you want a child.
Sindhu: Okay. So what is wrong?
Çrédhar: What is wrong? I don't think we are strong enough in Kåñëa Consciousness
to have a child. I don't want to hear anymore.
Sindhu: What if the desire arises later and it is too late?
Çrédhar: It is never too late. Don't you know Çrénivas äcärya was born to his father
when he was eighty years. We will wait till Kåñëa reveals.
Sindhu: We are not pure devotees that Kåñëa will reveal to us.
Çrédhar: Exactly, so then we don't have a child.
Sindhu: walks out frustrated.
It would be ideal if the partners decide on a policy of begetting children or not

33
before their marriage. Alternately, the couple should take counseling from senior
Vaiñëavas or their spiritual master,

(vii) Complacency after marriage:

Triloknathdas visits his good friends, Sudhir and Sunita, who were chanting 16
rounds before their marriage and following the regulative principles. Triloknath das has
not met the couple at the temple for many days. One day....
Triloknathdas: It is 9 a.m. I hope I have not come at a wrong time! Have you
chanted your rounds?
Sudhir and Sunita both: It is wonderful meeting you! As for our rounds, we finish
them by the time we go to bed. Somehow, getting up early seems so difficult now.
Triloknathdas: But Sudhir prabhu,! remember you were so particular about your
japa, and so were you Sunita mataji. What has happened now?
Sunita: Nothing really, but there are so many things to do.
Triloknathdas: We missed you on Rädhä-asthami day. There was a wonderful spiri-
tual treat for all the devotees.
Sudhir: We could not come because we had to attend a Satyanäräyaëa puja at my
friend's place.
Marriage has this bewildering potency. Both the husband and wife were coun-
seled" about the real goal of Gåhastha ashram, which is to help each other to make
progress in Kåñëa Consciousness,

(viii) Immature understanding of one's social responsibility:

(a) The wife wants to go her mother's place frequently for social reasons. The hus-
band is justifiably irked by her behavior.
Gayatri: I want to go to Pune tomorrow and stay with my parents for 8 days.
Gangadhar: Please don't go now. You had been there last month and I had great
difficulty to manage cooking bhoga, offering to the Deities and later attending the
office.
Gayatri: You are unreasonable, What if! had gone to Pune last month? The point is
that I want to go now. My sister's friend', s cousin is getting married. I must go. Why
don't you eat at the temple? That will solve the problem.
Whereas the husband should understand and accept the natural affection his wife may
have for her parents, the wife should be sensitive to her husband's needs, convenience and
comfort.
(b) Uma: Please don't forget to come to my parents' place in the evening after your
office. We have been invited for the 60th appearance day of my father. We will be able to meet
many relatives.
Umesh: I don't want to come. It is an out and out "karmi" affair.
Uma: If we do not go when we are in town, my parents will misunderstand and feel
bad about it.
Umesh: If you are so anxious you go. Don't involve me!

34
 Uma: Let us ask oar-Counselor.
The Counselor advised the couple to attend the function and make Lima's parents happy.
He also suggested that since Umesh is a good singer of Kértans, he should sing a few bhajans and use
the occasion for preaching.

(ix) Not Understanding one's role in Marriage:

Ramesh and Aarti are settled nicely in life. Ramesh is 35 years old and Aarti is 30.
Ramesh is working as a senior manager in a MNC and Aarti is a typical housewife. They
have a 3-year-old son Abhishek. About a year back Aarti met some devotees of ISKCON
through a relative and since then there has been a remarkable transformation in her life. She
took up to the process of Kåñëa Consciousness like a duck takes to water. However,
Ramesh is still extremely skeptical about the whole process as he is convinced that all
religious organizations are bogus.
One day:
Ramesh : Aarti, I have to leave very early in the morning tomorrow, as I have to
prepare for a Board presentation. Please prepare my breakfast by 6.00 a.m. sharp,
Aarti : But Ramesh, I have to go for Mangala arti tomorrow. Tomorrow is the
appearance day of Bbaktivinoda Thakur.
Ramesh: Who is Bhaktivinoda Thakur? Is he God? I don't care. I need breakfast at
6.00 sharp. How you manage is your responsibility.
Aarti: Ramesh, Please try to understand me. You don't realize how important this
day is to me. First of all I have to fast until noon. So I don't need any breakfast, Why
don't you eat in your canteen?
Ramesh : What sort of wife are you ? Don't you have any consideration forme? You
know very well that if I eat in the canteen 1 immediately get a stomach upset. For you your
temple comes first. Why you got married I do not understand. Don't you understand the
roie that a wife has to piay (Blah blah....)
Ramesh and Aarti fight until bedtime and the next day morning Aarti gets up at
4.00 am and leaves for the temple. Ramesh gets up, wakes up Abhishek, dresses him up
and drops him at the nearby creche. Abhishek creates a tantrum as he hates going to the
creche. Ramesh botches up his presentation to the Board and his boss fires him.
What a miserable situation! Ramesh will develop such a hatred for Kåñëa con-
sciousness that it will be a miracle if he ever takes up to the process. Aarti must give up
her fanatical approach to Kåñëa Consciousness and pay more attention to her husband and
son. She needs to be counseled properly that she would be pleasing Çréla Prabhupäda if
she stays at home and manages her home so wonderfully that Ramesh will be attracted to
the movement spontaneously.

(x) Imperfect understanding of devotional service/neglecting house-hold duties:

(a) The wife keeps maximum priority for temple services, even at the cost of ne-
glecting her household duties. After marriage, she does not adjust her mind-set and look
at her new role, but considers anything connected' DIRECTLY to the temple as
"devotional", and any other service as "maya". Thus, her mistaken understanding of
devotional service causes problems with husband, regarding late dinners, dirty house,
neglect of children, etc. The wife feels tired because she physically travels regularly to the

35
temple.
Çrékant: Why don't you clean the kitchen tomorrow? It has become filthy, we
really cannot offer bhoga cooked in such a dirty kitchen.
Çrékala: No way! I have to go to the temple. I have never missed a day going to the
temple. Cleaning the house and making it look beautiful is "maya." What I am doing is
devotional service, you know!
Çrékant: You have been saying this for the last several weeks. Keeping the house
clean is the duty of a housewife.
Çrékala : You don't understand the hardship I go through to go to the temple, be-
cause you are on the material platform!
A Gåhastha couple can convert their home into a temple by keeping it clean for
Kåñëa, having a nice alter and offering bhoga cooked in a clean environment and
proper consciousness to the Lord. It is a misconception that devotional service can be
performed only in the temple.
(b) The husband takes on too many services in the temple, and has no time for the
wife/children. The wife feels neglected, and thinks he gets the best of both worlds, and that
her utility is only to maintain the house, feed his belly.
Hernalata: We have to go to Vidita's school tomorrow because it is parents'day.
Girish: Oh, bother! Why don't you go with her? You must understand that it is a
mother's responsibility. You can hire a taxi and go. Here are 250 rupees!
Hemalata: Vidita really feels neglected because you never attend any Parents' day
meetings. What will Vidita's class teacher feel?
Girish: It does not matter. I have to meet my counsellees, there is a library commit-
tee meeting and I have to meet some guests in the temple, where is the time for such
"karmi" things?
A husband is not merely a provider of money. He should not neglect his duties as a
Gåhastha as he is responsible for taking care of the material, emotional and spiritual needs
of the family.

(xi) Comparing one's spouse to other devotees:

When matajis sometimes tend to compare their husbands, (and vice versa), the
wife (or husband) feels the husband/wife is "not up to the mark". He/She feels "why can't
my partner be more like so-and-so, he/she is so considerate (or
kind/generous/handsome/rich, etc).He/she falls into the "familiarity breeds contempt"
pattern, forgetting one's own weaknesses/ inadequacies, and expecting the moon from the
partner. Not getting the perfection in the other one, frustrations boil over, and
comparisons come out in the open. This makes things worse.
Both came to Kåñëa consciousness together and are good devotees. The wife is a
better preacher, the husband quiet and sober. The wife is embarrassed because her
husband is not a good preacher and is not 'dynamic'
Suchitra: Sneha's husband is an excellent preacher. He gives such beautiful-
Bhägvatam classes! I always like to preach. It is my life and soul. Why do you always keep
yourself in the background? You must be dynamic!
Sudhir: By the mercy of Çréla Prabhupäda, I have got service in the temple library. I

36
am happy doing just that or any other service that comes to me.
Preaching is not necessarily only through words. Everybody need not be an orator or
have the ability to give Çrémad Bhägvatam class. By counseling, the wife was made to realize
that her husband was every bit a preacher because he was following Çréla Prabhupäda and
preaching by his own exemplary behavior. False ego can creep in anytime. Be wary!

(xii) Making the husband feel small:

When the wife sometimes discusses loosely her problems with her husband in the
open, in front of other matajis, the husband is very upset Often he thinks she may be
doing this deliberately, which may not be correct But the damage is done by her not
keeping things confidential, and thus running down her husband in public. The
husband's ego is hurt, thus it takes very long to mend matters. Small problems get
aggravated when word gets around to the husband that others are knowing about-a,
particular problem which he thought nobody could know.
(a) Gauri and Gaurav are sitting in a fully packed reception hall.
Gauri: (indiscreetly loud) I hope you have put enough amount in the envelope as
present for the bride, at least 500 rupees; she is my best friend, you know!
Gaurav: (embarassed and shifting in his seat) Why do you speak so loud? Besides this
is the end of the month and i do not have sufficient money right now for such a good
present.
Gauri: Why don't you join a multinational company and earn more?
It is very important that a wife respects the sensitivity of her husband especially in
the public. Gauri perhaps did not mean to insult her husband but the choice of her
words and the location were wrong.
(b) Gaurav meets Gyanesh in the hustle bustle of the temple corridor.
Gaurav: What did the gynecologist say about the sterility test you underwent the
other day? Has he prescribed any treatment?
Gyanesh: (Taken aback, quickly changes the subject) Let that be. When did you
return from Patna? How was the weather there?
Later, Gyanesh confronts his wife and she sheepishly admits that she had spoken
about this problem with Gaurav's wife, though between the two of them they had
vowed to keep it confidential. Humiliating one's partner in this manner, though not
deliberately, can be the beginning of the end of relationship in marriage.

(xiii) Nagging
a) Sudhir and Suniti get up in the morning, finish their morning duties and sit to
chant. Sudhir is sitting on the bed and chanting his rounds;
Suniti; You cannot chant on the bed, the very place where we slept. Sudhir, highly
embarassed, shifts to-toe floor and commences his chanting,
Suniti: But I will sit on the bed and chant as I have a severe back-ache!
b) Suniti: I am going to my mother's house today. I want to cook for you now. How
many chapattis will you eat?
Sudhir: Since you are cooking only chapattis and sabji, I will have 10 chapattis.

37
 Suniti: My God! How much do you eat!
Sudhir highly embarassed, walks away
Nagging can assume many forms. Nagging can over a period of time create rifts in
married life and should be avoided.

(xiv) Washing dirty linen in public:

Gauri is talking to some of her friends.
Gauri: Laxmé how is your relationship with your husband?
Laxmé: Oh, it is very nice. He is a wonderful Vaiñëava and very strict in his sädhana,
Gauri: My husband, unfortunately, is completely the opposite. He has very poor
sädhana. He chants most of his rounds after 9 p.m. He also asks for sex almost every day
what to do?
Gauri and Laxmé then get lost in a discussion of no use to either of them.

(xv) Not respecting one's wife.

Navin and Taruni are with 10 devotees. Taruni makes some drink for all of them.
Navin (in the presence of everyone). The so-called drink you have made is as bland as you.
You do not even know how to make such a simple thing. What do you know?
Taruni feels completely humiliated when told in this fashion in presence of
everybody She will resent the comment made by Navin, even if it is correct.
Mutual respect is an important factor in married life. It is important to preserve
the dignity of one's partner.

(xvi) Difference of opinion in bringing up one's child:

Narayan and Sushila are married for the past fifteen years. Narayan is in anxiety
about his son Ajit deviating from Kåñëa Consciousness. Sushila is more concerned about
her son's career.
Narayan: I think Ajit is deviating...
Sushila: Why? What happened?
Narayan: Ajit is still sleeping....What nonsense! When will he chant his rounds?
Sushifa: Yesterday, he slept late.
Narayan : That is because you allowed him to go to his friend's birthday party.
Sushila : Isn't it natural ......he wants to be with his friends.
Narayan : But such association is not good for his Kåñëa Consciousness.
Sushila : What is wrong in that? Let him experience on his own. Anyway, his friends
are good in their studies.
Narayan : But he also going to learn wrong things in life. I know what they talk.. .when
they meet....girl friends
Sushila : What is wrong? Don't you want him to make a career in life. Let him
experience. He will figure out what is good and what is bad.

38
 Narayan: What career... without good character! He will be miserable. Why don't
you understand.
Sushila : I want him to be" educated, go abroad and settle down nicely. Kåñëa
Consciousness will naturally follow. Anyway he is still chanting a few rounds.
Narayan: Have you lost your intelligence?
Sushila: How dare you say that? Even I have come from a good cultured family. My
parents trained us well.
Narayan: If you were a good parent, you would have taught him Bhagavad-Gétä
çlokas, Kåñëa katha, given him nice Kåñëa conscious training. Now he has no taste for Kåñëa
Consciousness.
Sushila: You are also his father. Why did you not do that?
Narayan: I warned you five years back. I don't have the time. Can't you see me
working hard just to maintain the family?
Sushila: What can I do? Even I am busy. You told me I should do some service at the
temple.
Narayan: Not at the cost of neglecting the son,
Sushila: Should I give up my service?
Narayan: I warned you five years ago. I had told you that we will send him to
Gopal's Garden but you seemed to have some reservations. Now you have heard how the
school is doing well. ICSE curriculum., expert, kind and good teachers who impart
character. They go for yatras, attend festivals, what to speak of Kåñëa conscious training,
The parents do not have any anxiety about the children and are serving Çréla
Prabhupäda's mission without interruption. This is all because of your foolishness and
material attachment.
Sushila: If you knew that 1 was a fool that! was a fool, then why did you marry me?
Narayan: That is my bad karma.
Sushila: Yes. It is also my bad karma.
As devotees, we need to show genuine concern for our partners and try to seek
solution through compromise and understanding. Our concern may be genuine but the
way we express our concern creates conflicts. Tolerance and control of speech is
necessary. When children are born, they bring their own karma. Material education
can be imposed but Kåñëa Consciousness has to come from within. For this we have to
provide a favourable atmosphere for the children to practice Kåñëa Consciousness.

(xvii) The husband and the wife blame each other for lack of progress in their Kåñëa
consciousness:
Çréla Prabhupäda has stated that we can only improve ourselves - and that is a
gradual process. Certainly life in this world is difficult for everyone and the main
difficulty is becoming Kåñëa conscious. That is a very personal thing. Your Kåñëa
consciousness is your own responsibility. You should not blame your difficulties on your
husband/wife. Sure', things could be better if he/she was a better devotee, but you cannot
change him/her. The only person you can really change is yourself, and you don't have to
do that completely immediately. Take your time; day after day try to make a little
improvement here and there. Each morning think of some difficulty that you are having,

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and then think about how to practice overcoming it during the course of the day. In this
way by working on small things, gradually you can see the improvement, This is much
better than becoming frustrated by trying to change everything suddenly and completely.
Chant
Hare Kåñëa, Hare Kåñëa, Kåñëa, Kåñëa, Hare, Hare,
Hare Räma, Hare Räma, Räma, Räma, Hare, Hare
And be happy

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