How Much Should I Share with My

Teenager?
Communication isn’t just about learning how to talk to teenagers. It’s about kids
learning more about their parents’ lives. That doesn’t mean telling them how much
better you behaved back when you were a teenager. It does mean sharing your own
teenage experiences in appropriate ways, to illustrate what you might have changed
or not if you could go back to that time.

Talk about what matters to you and why, to give your teen a sense of why you make
the choices you do. Let your teen know that you’ve gone through what they’re
going through now, and you found a way to grow from the experience. Your
experience can provide a valuable and different perspective. However, you don’t
need to share information that will needlessly upset your child.

In conclusion, no matter what circumstance, part of building a healthy relationship

with your child is learning how to get your teenager to talk to you. Keep at it, even
when it seems uncomfortable or intimidating. The more often you communicate, the
easier and more enjoyable it will become. The ultimate goal is building a stronger
parent-child relationship.

5 Ways to Be an Active Listener

for Your Teen
We listen to other people all the time, but how often do we really pause and tune in
to what they’re saying? There’s a big difference between processing information
and truly listening with our minds and hearts. That step is what takes us from
simply hearing to then being an active listener. Developing this skill is particularly
important for parents of teens.

Parents of teenagers can gain clues every day about what is going on in their
children’s lives—but you have to listen to your teen. Teens are not always going to
speak openly about their challenges and problems, especially when they may not
even realize they are problems yet. When parents take the time to actively listen,
rather than thinking about their next response or trying to compose sage wisdom to
share, they may be surprised by what teens actually do want to share.

Here are five ways to be an active listener for your teen:

1. Listen with Intent

One of the biggest complaints that teens have about their parents is “You never
listen to me!” Even when parents can recite word for word what their teens said,
they haven’t always received the message or the deeper meaning. Moreover,
parents are often busy and distracted by checking their phones, making dinner,
managing other children, and handling work or household tasks.

When parents are talking with teens, they should remove as many distractions as
possible. Sometimes the best conversations happen while driving or doing an
activity or chore together. But even then, when something is really important,
parents can stop and focus on their teens with undivided attention.

Parents always complain that kids are on their devices all the time, but parents are
guilty of this, too. When parents silence their phones and set them aside, they
demonstrate to their children that they are the most important thing in their world,
and they want to hear whatever they have to say.

2. Demonstrate Interest
Body language speaks so much louder than words. If parents show they’re
distracted by tapping their feet or shifting their weight around, that visually tells a
teen that they are not focused on them and what they are saying. If the subject is
difficult for parents and therefore, they avert eye contact, teens can become
uncomfortable as well and not want to share after all.

To practice active listening means that even when we’re not saying anything, we
demonstrate that we are actually taking in what’s being said. Eye contact is so
important, no matter how difficult it may be to maintain. This is the most important
visual cue that one can give in communication. Responding appropriately with
facial expressions, nods, and, when appropriate, a gentle touch of the hand are all
visual cues that we are listening to what the other person is saying. When parents
demonstrate their interest visually, they make it safe for their teens to talk to
them.

3. Don’t Interrupt
Far too often, we tend to interrupt others to give them advice rather than simply
listening to what they are processing. Sometimes parents forget that a big part of
adolescence is learning things for oneself. That mean parents sometimes need to
stay quiet and allow teens to talk, so they can come to conclusions themselves.

Often, the relationship between a parent and a teen is already strained. Therefore,
interrupting when they have something to say that is important to them can keep
them from talking openly in the future. When in doubt, don’t speak, simply listen to
your teen. When there is a long pause and the teen looks to you to say something,
that’s the best time to offer thoughts.

4. Listen Mindfully
Mindfulness involves being in the present moment and not judging. As a parent,
this can be very difficult. Watching a teen learn painful lessons—both big and small
—is hard. Parents often feel the need to intervene and give guidance, especially
when a teen has experienced mental health issues like anxiety and depression, and
may seem especially vulnerable. However, open parent-child communication is
proven to boost teen mental health and decrease teen substance use.

Listening mindfully means tuning in to the words you are hearing right now,
regardless of past issues or future fears. Moreover, it means abstaining from making
any judgments about what is being said. The time for parenting comes after the
listening.

Yes, there will be conversations that are like broken records, revisiting past
behaviors and events. However, allowing teens to speak and learn from their own
words is more effective than anything parents could say or do at that moment. The
importance of being heard is immense for teens and giving them respect without
judgment is far more empowering than any kind of instruction or advice that
parents may be tempted to offer at this point.

5. Ask Thoughtful Questions

When the time comes for asking questions, they should be thoughtful,
compassionate, and directly related to what the teen is saying. These may be
clarifying questions that to elicit more information about a teen’s feelings or fears.
In addition, parents can ask thought-provoking questions that give teens the
opportunity to think about something in a new way or explore potential next steps.

Asking thoughtful questions, listening mindfully, not interrupting, visually

demonstrating interest, and listening with intent are all ways that parents can
practice active listening. Being an active listener shows a teen that they are
respected, and that their thoughts and feelings are valid and worthwhile.
Sometimes, the best parenting is not saying anything at all.

How to Talk to Your Teenager

About Anything
How do you talk to teens? Parents have been trying to figure this out for a long
time. Talking to teens isn’t always easy. But it’s a huge part of building a great
relationship with your child.

Moreover, an ongoing, meaningful connection between kids and parents is one of

the most powerful factors in supporting teen mental and physical health. That
includes open communication in which teens feel safe talking with parents about
what they’re thinking and feeling.

Key Takeaways
 Research shows that positive communication with teens supports their
mental health.
 Talking to your teenager about limits may be necessary as they develop
independence.
 Parents need to stay calm when talking to teens and avoid judgment or anger.
 Parent coaches, therapists, or counselors can help families improve
communication skills.

Research on the Impact of Open

Communication with Teenagers
Specifically, researchers have found that communication between parents and teens
has a number of evidence-based effects. For one, it decreases risk-taking
behaviors during the teen years. Ongoing parent-child communication
also reduces adolescent substance abuse and decreases teen sexual activity.
Overall, a healthy relationship with their parents, which includes lots of positive
communication, is proven to support teen mental health.

Clearly, communication with parents has a significant impact in keeping teens

happy and healthy. But having deeper conversations with your teen isn’t always
easy. In fact, having any sort of conversation can be difficult with a moody teen.
Therefore, here are some suggestions for clearing the path to open communication
with your adolescent.

How to Get Your Teenager to Talk

to You: Do’s and Don’ts
Sometimes the toughest part of communicating is figuring out how to get your teen
talking. Whether you want to address something significant or just have a friendly
chat, breaking the ice with a teen can be tough. Here are some do’s and don’ts for
how to get your teenage daughter to talk to you and how to get your teenage son to
open up.

What Not to Do
Don’t ask “So is everything fine?” When you ask your teen if everything is fine,
you’re giving them the message that you want everything to be fine. They doesn’t
want to disappoint you, so they’re more likely to just nod in response and let you
believe that everything’s fine, even if it isn’t.

Don’t ask questions that are too general, like “How was your day?” often produce
one or two words that don’t give you any information about your teen’s life or what
your child is really feeling. This phrase is a conversation killer with adolescents.

What to Do
Do ask specific yet open-ended questions like “How was your get-together with so-
and-so?” or “How did that test go?”

Do give your kids the sense that you’re open to anything they have to say, whether
positive or not so positive. And try to avoid offering unsolicited advice. Thus,
they’re more likely to share what’s going on in their lives.

Do choose moments when your teen seems relaxed and open, rather than trying to
push them to open up when they seem stressed or irritable and don’t want to talk.
5 Secrets to Communicating with
Your Teenager
1. Talk about trivial things sometimes. Not every conversation has to be
about the important stuff. Watch a movie or TV show together and discuss it.
Read the same book and compare your views. Talk about the latest celebrity
gossip or fashion. Anything that engages your teen—without being overly
negative or critical—is fair game. The idea is to stay in practice so that
deeper conversations don’t feel like as much of a stretch.
2. Build in regular family time. Spending time together specifically to talk
and catch up can nip potential conflicts in the bud. Set a time that works well
for everyone and don’t rush through the conversation. Try asking questions
like, What worked well for us this week? Does anyone have particular
requests or needs this week? It’s a lot easier to process issues when you’re
not at a crisis point.

3. Play a sharing game at the dinner table. Go around the table and play the
game known as “Rose, Thorn, and Bud.” Each person shares their rose (the
best moment of the day), their thorn (the most challenging moment of the
day) and their bud (something they’re excited or hopeful about). This can be
a great way to start a longer conversation or just keep communication open.

4. Find places for communication in your daily routine. Driving in the car,
walking, shopping, or saying goodnight to your teen are all opportunities for
low-pressure conversations. Sometimes it’s easier for a teen to open up when
they’re not in face-to-face contact (as when driving or walking), or when it’s
dark in the room before bed. This is a particularly effective approach if
you’re wondering how to talk to your teenage son. That’s because boys are
still socialized to “be a man” and thus a teen boy or young man often feels
less comfortable talking about feelings or hard topics.
 5. Write to your teen. If talking is a bit tough for you and/or your child, try
using texts or e-mails to communicate occasionally. The written word is
sometimes easier to absorb for teens—whether it’s an explanation of why
you’ve set a limit, or simply an expression of love and appreciation. And
teenagers might appreciate the opportunity to talk about their life in writing,
rather than trying to find the right words in the heat of the moment.

How to Talk to Teenagers About

Discipline and Limits
The teenage years can be rocky as teens struggle to build autonomy
and independence—while also dealing with raging hormones and tumultuous
emotions. It’s important to let them be their own person and have their own life.
However, establishing limits for an adolescent is often necessary. It’s important to
set boundaries around issues like technology use, going out on school nights,
chores, using the car, or staying over at a friend’s house.

But parents also need to respect teens enough to explain the reasons behind their
decisions. “Because I said so” or “You’ll understand when you’re a parent” are not
helpful statements when communicating limits to a teen. On the contrary, these
classic parental fallbacks are guaranteed to increase a teenager’s frustration and
make them not want to talk to you.

Instead, try these four steps for communicating limits to your child.

1. Start with love, and listen closely. Most important: Always begin the
conversation with an attitude of loving acceptance. Before you talk, let your
teen say their piece, and don’t interrupt. Listen patiently and show with your
facial expression and with a nod or two that you care about what they have to
say.
2. Acknowledge how they feel and what they want. It’s critical for
adolescents to feel understood and validated. Once they’ve presented their
case, make it clear that you believe their request or complaint is important
and worth addressing. Make sure they know that you’re not angry with them
 because of their request. Your teenager’s request can be quite valid for them,
even if it doesn’t seem that way to you. You might even bounce ideas off
each other for how to find a satisfying compromise.

3. Explain why you don’t think it’s the right thing. Tell your teen, “I
understand why you want to do this, and here’s why I don’t think it’s a good
idea.” (Using the word “and” rather than “but” is a good way to honor their
feelings.) Then list the reasons. But don’t go into too much detail: The
prefrontal cortex—the reasonable, responsible part of the brain—is still
developing in adolescents, so trying to appeal to their common sense doesn’t
usually work.

4. Clarify how it’s going to work. Lay out clear expectations, and explain the
consequences if they choose to ignore those expectations. Remind them that
they have the choice to respect or reject the rules, but rejection will lead to
appropriate consequences. You might even consider drafting a written
agreement so you’re both on the same page. And negotiation is acceptable if
you feel there’s room for compromise. In addition, avoid power struggles at
all costs.

How to Talk So a Teenager Will

Listen
Talking to teenagers can be stressful. But if you’re able to regulate your own
emotions during a charged discussion, chances are your teen will do better, too.
Consequently, the conversation will go better for both of you. Try these methods
for keeping your cool so your teen won’t tune you out.

Breathe and Relax

Stay calm! Take long, slow, deep breaths, which activates your parasympathetic
(“relaxation and recuperation”) nervous system and slows your heart rate. As you
breathe, notice where you’re holding tension in your body and consciously release
it.

Don’t Take It Personally

Young people are developing their own lives, their own identity, and their own
opinion. And part of that is disagreeing with and pushing back against what they
perceive as parental control. Remember, this is not about how good or bad of a
parent you are.

Remind Yourself That You Are a Role Model

The way you conduct yourself in a conversation shows your child how productive
—or how messy—communication can be. Remind yourself how important it is for
you to serve as a positive example during the teenage years. And let this be an
incentive to avoid yelling, getting overly emotional, or blaming your teen.

Take a Timeout If You Need It

If you sense that you’re not getting anywhere, or either you or your teen is too
worked up to continue talking, take a timeout. Tell your teen you’re going to pause
the conversation and revisit it later.

How to Get a Teenager to Talk

About Their Feelings
Teens may not find it easy to talk about their emotions and fears. Therefore, when
talking with your teen, it’s helpful to pay attention to their nonverbal
communication. Often, the words that come out of our mouths aren’t expressing
what really underlie them. Pay close attention not only to the content of a
conversation, but also to your teen’s body language and tone.

What desire, fear, sadness, or insecurity can you intuit beneath what might seem
like an angry or resistant attitude? If you think you sense something that isn’t being
said, speak to it gently. If they’re sad or angry, let them know that’s okay and those
feelings should be honored. Make sure they know that you won’t judge them, no
matter what they tell you. Practicing active listening is the most effective way get a
teen talking.
How to Talk to Teenagers About
Depression and Suicide
Staggering statistics recently released from the Center for Disease Control (CDC)
reveal that 17 percent of high school students have contemplated suicide. And 8
percent made an attempt to take their own lives in the past 12 months.

Obviously, the reality is that teens are under extreme duress. Therefore, parents
need to be aware of the symptoms and talk to their teens. Find a safe environment to
talk face-to-face, in person. Listening is key; lecturing will shut down a teen’s
ability to respond.

Make a real effort to understand what they are feeling and why. Then assure them
that you will find solutions together and make sure they get the help they need. You
can start with your family doctor, a high school counselor, or another mental health
professional.

10 Signs of Teen Depression

1. Avoidance of social situations and a loss of interest in favored activities
2. Exhaustion, constant fatigue, and a generalized lack of energy

3. Sense of despair, sadness, and hopelessness (sometimes escalating into

suicidal thoughts)

4. Lack of motivation for school work or other projects

5. Unexplained aches and pains, headaches, stomach problems

6. Hard time concentrating (particularly for teens who used to be focused)

7. Feeling worthless, irritable, frustrated, or having an extreme case of low self-

esteem

8. Disturbed sleep patterns (taking naps during the day, insomnia at night)

9. Changes in appetite and weight (including not eating on a regular basis or

binge eating)
 10.Abusing alcohol or drugs to cope with the pain as a form of self-medication

How Much Should I Share with My

Teenager?
Communication isn’t just about learning how to talk to teenagers. It’s about kids
learning more about their parents’ lives. That doesn’t mean telling them how much
better you behaved back when you were a teenager. It does mean sharing your own
teenage experiences in appropriate ways, to illustrate what you might have changed
or not if you could go back to that time.

Talk about what matters to you and why, to give your teen a sense of why you make
the choices you do. Let your teen know that you’ve gone through what they’re
going through now, and you found a way to grow from the experience. Your
experience can provide a valuable and different perspective. However, you don’t
need to share information that will needlessly upset your child.

In conclusion, no matter what circumstance, part of building a healthy relationship

with your child is learning how to get your teenager to talk to you. Keep at it, even
when it seems uncomfortable or intimidating. The more often you communicate,
the easier and more enjoyable it will become. The ultimate goal is building a
stronger parent-child relationship.