Scripts.

com

Monty Python and the Holy

Grail
By Monty Python

Page 1/124
This is the official 'Unoffical' Monty Python And The Holy Grail
screenplay.
This file contains the script as it was on March 20 1974, before filming
took
place. There are many minor differences from what appears here and what
ended up on the screen.
This file also contains cut scenes and lines from the film.
I tried to preserve as much of the screenplay as possible but it isn't
easy to cross out a section and pencil in new dialogue, in ASCII.
Any Scene or dialogue that was crossed out begins with a "" before it.
Anything Penciled in has a "", I also put cut information before penciled
in.
What is interesting about a screenplay is to see what they threw out and
what "Catch Phrases" were literally penciled in. The reason I keyed in
this file was caused by me downloading current transcript going
around internet. It was an amazing job... I wouldn't want to have
attempted
what he did... But it wasn't in a good script format and I didn't like how
direction was written in. Since I HAD the real screenplay I thought...
What the hell!
After This I plan to key in "Monty Python's Second Film" it is the 1st
draft
of the Holy Grail. It is the script that eventually got canabalized into
sketches for the 4th season of Python. It Is sill quite different and well
worth a read. is anybody interested in it?????
Oh yes... I will STRESS this fact once more... THIS IS A SCREENPLAY... So
don't yell at me if a line is paraphrased in the film... This is what was
written before filming took place and it is still quite accurate.
Enough of this...
-Grue (09-Aug-92)

P.S. TO AHH:
IS?!?!?!
AND DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GRAHAM CHAPMAN SOUNDS LIKE?!?!?! Sorry I just had
to
say that... As the complete and total bastard that I am.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL"Reel 1 (1A) Page 1
00.01 is the first action frame
which is 391.00 before the first
Clear Cut, which is Scene 4
ScSpot
No. Complete DIALOGUENo.Start End Ftge.
---------------------------------------------------

Page 2/124
 1FADE IN:
Starts
00.01 TITLES ON BLACK B.G.
PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
in association with

MICHAEL WHITE:
presents

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

MONTY PYTHON:
and

THE HOLY GRAIL:

then:
M0nti Pyth0n ik den H0lie Gralen

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:
Written and preformed by:

GRAHAM CHAPMAN:

JOHN CLEESE:

ERIC IDLE:

TERRY GILLIAM:

TERRY JONES:

MICHAEL PALIN:

then:
R0tern nik Akten Di

FADE OUT:

Page 3/124
FADE IN:
with

CONNIE BOOTH:

CAROL CLEVELAND:

NEIL INNES:

BEE DUFFELL:

JOHN YOUNG:

RITA DAVES:

then:
Wik

TITLE OUT:

TITLE IN:
Also appearing

AVRIL STEWART:

SALLY KINGHORN:

then:
Als0 wik

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:
Also also appearing
MARK ZYCOONELSPETH CAMERON
MITSUKO FORSTATER SALLY JOHNSON
SANDY ROSEROMILLY SQUIE
JONI FLNNALISON WALKER
LORAINE WARD ANNA LANSKI
SALLY COOMBE VIVIENNE MACDONALD
YVONNE DICKDAPHNE DARLING
FIONA GORDON GLORIA GRAHAM
JUDY LAMSTRACY SNEDDON
SYLVIA TAYLOR JOYCE POLLNER

Page 4/124
MARY ALLEN:

then:
Als0 als0 wik

TITLE OUT:

TITLE IN:
Camera OperatorHOWARD ATHERTON
Camera FocusJOHN WELLARD
Camera AssistantROGER PRATT
Camera GripRAY HALL
Chargehand ElectricianTERRY HUNT
LightingTELEFILM LIGHTING SERVICE LTD
ANDREW RICHIE AND SON LTD

TECHNICOLOR:
Rosturm CameramanKENT HOUSTON

then:
Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer?

TITLE OUT:

TITLE IN:
Sound RecordistGARTH MARSHALL
Sound MixerHUGH STRAIN
Boom SwingerGODFREY KIRBY
Sound MaintenancePHILIP CHUBB
Sound AssistantROBERT DOYLE
Dubbing EditorJOHN FOSTER
Assistant EditorsJOHN MISTER, NICK GASTER,
ALEXANDER CAMPBELL ASKEW,
BRIAN PEACHEY, DANIELLE KOCHAVI
Sound EffectsIAN CRAFFORD

then:
See the l0veli lakes

TITLE OUT:

TITLE IN:
ContinuityPENNY EYLES

Page 5/124
AccountantBRIAN BROCKWELL
Production SecretaryCHRISTINE WATT
Property BuyerBRIAN WINTERBORN
Property MasterTOM RAEBURN
Property MenROY CANNON, CHARLIE TORBETT,

MIKE KENNEDY:
CateringRON HELLARD LTD
VehiclesBUDGET RENT-A-CAR

then:
The W0nderful teleph0ne system

TITLE OUT:

TITLE IN:
Assistant Art DirectorPHILIP COWLAM
Construction ManagerBILL HARMAN
CarpentersNOBBY CLARK, BOB DEVINE
PainterGRAHAM BULLOCK
StagehandJIM N. SAVERY
RiggerED SULLIVAN

then:
And mani interesting furry animals

TITLE IN:

TITLE OUT:
With special extra thanks to
Charlie Knode, Brian McNully, John Gledhill, Peter
Thompson, Sue Cable, Valerie Charlton, Drew Mara,
Sue Smith, Charlie Coulter, Iain Monaghan, Steve
Bennell, Bernard Belenger, Alpini McAlpine, Hugh
Boyle, Dave Taylor, Garry Cooper, Peter Saunders, Less
Sheppard, Vaughn Millard, Mamish MacInnes, Terry Mosaic,
Bawn O'Beirne Ranelagh.
Made entirely on location in Scotland at Doune Castle,
Castle Stalker, Killin, Glen Coe, Arnhall Castle,
Braklim falls, Sherroffmiur.
By Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd., 20, Fitzroy Square,
London W1 England.
And completed at Twickenham Film Studios, England.
Copyright (c) 1974 National Film Trustee Company Lt.

Page 6/124
All Rights Reserved.

then:
The producers would like to thank the Forestry Commission
Doune Admissions Ltd, Keir and Cawdor Estates, Stirling
University, and the people of Doune for their help in the
making of this film.
The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used
are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters,
or history of any person is entirely accidental and
unintentional.
Signed RICHARD M. NIXON
Including the majestic m00se

TITLE IN:

TITLE OUT:
Songs

NEIL INNIS:
Additional music

DEWOLFE:

then:
A M00se once bit my sister ...

TITLE IN:

TITLE OUT:
Costume Designer

HAZEL PETHING:

then:
No realli! She was Karving her initals on the m00se
with the sharpened end of an interspace t00thbrush given
by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and
star of many Norwegian m0vies: "The H0t Hands of an Oslo
Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge M0lars of Horst
Nordfink".

TITLE OUT:

Page 7/124
TITLE IN:
We apologise for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible have been
sacked.

then:
Mynd you, m00se bites Kan be pretty nasti ...

TITLE OUT:

TITLE IN:
We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those
responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked
have been sacked.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:
Production ManagerJULLIAN DOYLE
Assistant DirectorGERRY HARRISON
Special EffectsJOHN HORTON
Choreography
Fight Director &
Period ConsultantJOHN WALKER
Make-up ArtistsPEARL RASHBASS, PAM LUKE
PhotographyJULLIAN DOYLE
Animation AssistanceLUCINDA COWELL, KATE HEPBURN
M00se Trained byTUTTE HERMSGERV0RDENBR0TB0RDA

DISSOLVE TO:
Lighting CameramanTERRY BEDFORD
Special M00se EffectsOLAF PROT
M00se CostumesSIGGI CHURCHILL

DISSOLVE TO:
DesignerROY SMITH
M00se Choreographed byHORST PROT III
Miss Taylor's M00ses byHENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
M00se trained to mix
concrete and sign com-
plicated insurance
forms byJURGEN WIGG

DISSOLVE TO:

Page 8/124
EditorJOHN HACKNEY
M00ses' noses wiped byBJORN IRKESTORM-SLATER WALKER
Large m00se on the left
half side of the screen
in the third scene from
the end,given a thorough
grounding in Latin,
French and "O" Level
Geography byBO BENN
Suggestive poses for the
M00se suggested by VIC ROTTER
Antler-care by LIV THATCHER

TITLE OUT:

TITLE IN:
The directors of the firm hired to
continue the credits after the other
people had been sacked, with it to
be known that they have just been
sacked.
The credits have been completed
in an entirely different style at
great expense and at the last
minute.

FADE OUT:
TITLE ON YELLOW B.G
Executive Producer
JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama

TITLE OUT:

TITLE IN:
Producer

MARK FORSTARTER:
Assisted by
EARL J. LLAMA
MIKE Q. LLAMA III

SY LLAMA:
MERLE Z. LLAMA IX

Page 9/124
TITLE OUT:

TITLE IN:
Directed by
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
and
TERRY GILLIAM AND TERRY JONES
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FADE OUT:
1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY
Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence
possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".
after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.
They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR
followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts
together. ARTHUR raises his hand.

ARTHUR:
Whoa there!
SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR
peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:
castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle
battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.

SOLDIER:
Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR:
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!
Pause.

SOLDIER:
Get away!

Page 10/124
ARTHUR:
I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join
our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER:
What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR:
Yes!

SOLDIER:
You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR:
...What?

SOLDIER:
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging
them together.

ARTHUR:
(Scornfully)
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER:
Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR:
Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER:
Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR:
What do you mean?

SOLDIER:
Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR:
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin

Page 11/124
or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are
not strangers to our land.

SOLDIER:
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR:
Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER:
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR:
Why not?

SOLDIER:
I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight
inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky
to find a coconut under a pound.

ARTHUR:
It could grip it by the husk ...

SOLDIER:
It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple
matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not
hold a a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR:
Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that
Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

SOLDIER:
Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat
its wings four hundred and ninety three times every
second. right?

ARTHUR:
(irritated)
Please!

SOLDIER:
Am I right?

Page 12/124
ARTHUR:
I'm not interested.

SECOND SOLDIER:
(who has loomed up on the battlements)
It could be carried by an African swallow!

FIRST SOLDIER:
Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European
swallow. that's my point.

SECOND SOLDIER:
Oh yes, I agree there ...

ARTHUR:
(losing patience)
Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights
of Camelot?!

FIRST SOLDIER:
But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.

SECOND SOLDIER:
Oh yes.
ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn
and go off into the mist.

FIRST SOLDIER:
So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.

SECOND SOLDIER:
Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?

FIRST SOLDIER:
No, they'd have to have it on a line.
Stillness. Silence again.
2 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION
CUT TO Terry Gilliam's sequence of Brueghel prints. Sounds of
strange medieval music. Discordant and sparse. Wailings and
groanings. The last picture mixes through into live action.
BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down. A leg falls across
it. Creaking noise. The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to
reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart

Page 13/124
that is lumbering away from CAMERA. It is pulled by a couple of
ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES. Behind the cart walks another
MAN who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale
of complete and utter impoverishment. He wears a black hood and
looks sinister.

CART DRIVER:
Bring out your dead!
We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden
village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging.
In the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of
legs dangling from the ceiling. In another doorway an OLD WOMAN
is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat.
The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud. And a MAN
tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four NUNS with
huge mallets.

CART DRIVER:
Bring out your dead!
There are legs stick out of windows and doors. Two MEN are fighting
in the mud - covered from head to foot in it. Another MAN is on his
hands in knees shovelling mud into his mouth. We just catch
sight of a MAN falling into a well.

CART DRIVER:
Bring out your dead!

LARGE MAN:
Here's one!

CART DRIVER:
Ninepence.

BODY:
I'm not dead!

CART DRIVER:
What?

LARGE MAN:
Nothing... There's your ninepence.

BODY:
I'm not dead!

Page 14/124
CART DRIVER:
'Ere. He says he's not dead.

LARGE MAN:
Yes he is.

BODY:
I'm not!

CART DRIVER:
He isn't.

LARGE MAN:
He will be soon. He's very ill.

BODY:
I'm getting better!

LARGE MAN:
You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.

CART DRIVER:
I can't take him like this. It's against regulations.

BODY:
I don't want to go on the cart.

LARGE MAN:
Don't be such a baby.

CART DRIVER:
I can't take him.

BODY:
I feel fine.

LARGE MAN:
Do me a favour.

CART DRIVER:
I can't.

LARGE MAN:

Page 15/124
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes. He won't
be long.

CART DRIVER:
I promised I'd be at the Robinson's. They've lost nine
today.

LARGE MAN:
When's your next round?

CART DRIVER:
Thursday.

BODY:
I think I'll go for a walk.

LARGE MAN:
You're not fooling anyone you know.
(to CART DRIVER)
Isn't there anything you could do?

BODY:
(singing unrecognisably)
I feel happy... I feel happy.
The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment. Then they both
do a quick furtive look up and down the street. The CART DRIVER
very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot
but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)

LARGE MAN:
(handing over the money at last)
Thanks very much.

CART DRIVER:
That's all right. See you on Thursday.
They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching
forelocks etc. ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to
the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody. After
they pass, the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER.

LARGE MAN:
Who's that then?

CART DRIVER:

Page 16/124
(Grudgingly)
I dunno, Must be a king.

LARGE MAN:
Why?

CART DRIVER:
He hasn't got shit all over him.
3 EXTERIOR - DAY
ARTHUR and PATSY riding. They stop and look. We see a castle in the
distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying
to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig. ARTHUR and
PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT

ARTHUR:
Old woman!

DENNIS:
Man!

ARTHUR:
Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight live in that castle
over there?

DENNIS:
I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR:
What?

DENNIS:
I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.

ARTHUR:
Well - I can't just say: "Hey, Man!'

DENNIS:
Well you could say: "Dennis"

ARTHUR:
I didn't know you were called Dennis.

DENNIS:
You didn't bother to find out, did you?

Page 17/124
ARTHUR:
I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
you looked ...

DENNIS:
What I object to is that you automatically treat me like
an inferior ...

ARTHUR:
Well ... I AM king.

DENNIS:
Oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you've got a palace and fine
clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how d'you get that?
By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist
dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our
society! If there's EVER going to be any progress ...
An OLD WOMAN appears.

OLD WOMAN:
Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ... Oh!
how d'you do?

ARTHUR:
How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ...
can you tell me who lives in that castle?

OLD WOMAN:
King of the WHO?

ARTHUR:
The Britons.

OLD WOMAN:
Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR:
All of us are ... we are all Britons.
DENNIS winks at the OLD WOMAN.
... and I am your king ....

OLD WOMAN:
Ooooh! I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were

Page 18/124
an autonomous collective ...

DENNIS:
You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship,
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ...

OLD WOMAN:
There you are, bringing class into it again ...

DENNIS:
That's what it's all about ... If only -

ARTHUR:
Please, please good people. I am in haste. What knight lives in
that castle?

OLD WOMAN:
No one live there.

ARTHUR:
Well, who is your lord?

OLD WOMAN:
We don't have a lord.

ARTHUR:
What?

DENNIS:
I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take
it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

ARTHUR:
Yes.

DENNIS:
... But all the decision of that officer ...

ARTHUR:
Yes, I see.

DENNIS:
... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority
in the case of purely internal affairs.

Page 19/124
ARTHUR:
Be quiet!

DENNIS:
... but a two-thirds majority ...

ARTHUR:
Be quiet! I order you to shut up.

OLD WOMAN:
Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

ARTHUR:
I am your king!

OLD WOMAN:
Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR:
You don't vote for kings.

OLD WOMAN:
Well, how did you become king, then?

ARTHUR:
The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,
held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by
Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ...
That is why I am your king!

OLD WOMAN:
Is Frank in? He'd be able to deal with this one.

DENNIS:
Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out
swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme
executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from
some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR:
Be quiet!

DENNIS:

Page 20/124
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR:
Shut up!

DENNIS:
I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some
moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would
put me away!

ARTHUR:
(Grabbing him by the collar)
Shut up, will you. Shut up!

DENNIS:
Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR:
Shut up!
PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching.

DENNIS:
(calling)
Come and see the violence inherent in the system.
Help, help, I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR:
(aware that people are now coming out and watching)
Bloody peasant!
(pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off)

DENNIS:
Oh, Did you hear that! What a give-away.

ARTHUR:
Come on, patsy.
They ride off.

DENNIS:
(in the background as we PULL OUT)
did you see him repressing me, then? That's what I've
been on about ...
4 EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY

Page 21/124
MIX THROUGH to ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest. They pass rune
stones. We TRACK with them. CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they ride.
MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them riding through the forest. They
come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up.
Sound FX of fight.
CUT TO their eyeline. A clearing on the other side of which is a rough
wooden foot-bridge across a stream. At the start of the bridge a
tremendous fight is going on. A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armour, his
face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT in
green armour. (Perhaps the GREEN KNIGHT's armour is identical to the
BLACK KNIGHT's save for the colour.)
CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY. They watch, growing more impressed
as they watch the fight.
CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT, who
avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword
out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand.
CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY even more impressed.
CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly nasty
mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK KNIGHT's sword.
ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive.
CUT BACK to the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT, who
ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to close
on the GREEN KNIGHT.
CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of the
fight reaching a climax. Four almighty clangs. Then Silence.
CUT BACK to see the GREEN KNIGHT stretched out. The BLACK KNIGHT
sheathes his sword.
ARTHUR looks at PATSY. Nods and they move forward.
CUT BACK TO the BLACK KNIGHT picking up the GREEN KNIGHT above his head
and hurling him into the river. ARTHUR and PATSY approach him.

ARTHUR:
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.

BLACK KNIGHT:
Who dares to challenge the Black Knight?

ARTHUR:
I do not challenge you.
The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing.

ARTHUR:
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which dosn't come. ARTHUR is

Page 22/124
only slightly thrown.
... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all
the world to join me in my court at Camelot ...
The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent

ARTHUR:
You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?
Silence.

ARTHUR:
A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all
my knights ...

BLACK KNIGHT:
Never.

ARTHUR:
You make me sad. But so be it. Come Patsy.
As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.

BLACK KNIGHT:
None shall pass.

ARTHUR:
What?

BLACK KNIGHT:
None shall pass.

ARTHUR:
I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must
cross this bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT:
Then you shall die.

ARTHUR:
I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.

BLACK KNIGHT:
I move for no man.

ARTHUR:
So be it!

Page 23/124
ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT. A furious fight
now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR delivers
a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm at
the shoulder. ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.

ARTHUR:
Now stand aside worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT:
(Glancing at his shoulder)
'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR:
A scratch? Your arm's off.

BLACK KNIGHT:
No, it isn't.

ARTHUR:
(Pointing to the arm on ground)
Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT:
I've had worse.

ARTHUR:
You're a liar.

BLACK KNIGHT:
Come on you pansy!
Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHTS's
other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm plus sword, lies on the
ground.

ARTHUR:
Victory is mine.
(sinking to his knees)
I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...

BLACK KNIGHT:
Come on then.

ARTHUR:
What?

Page 24/124
He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet. ARTHUR gets up still
holding his sword. The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.

ARTHUR:
You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT:
Had enough?

ARTHUR:
You stupid bastard. You havn't got any arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT:
Course I have.

ARTHUR:
Look!

BLACK KNIGHT:
What! Just a flesh wound.
(kicks ARTHUR)

ARTHUR:
Stop that.

BLACK KNIGHT:
(kicking him)
Had enough ... ?

ARTHUR:
I'll have your leg.
He is kicked.
Right!
The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off.
The BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.

BLACK KNIGHT:
I'll do you for that.

ARTHUR:
You'll what ... ?

BLACK KNIGHT:
Come Here.

Page 25/124
ARTHUR:
What are you going to do. bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT:
I'm invincible!

ARTHUR:
You're a looney.

BLACK KNIGHT:
The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!
ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.

BLACK KNIGHT:
All right, we'll call it a draw.

ARTHUR:
Come, Patsy.
ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT:
Running away eh? You yellow bastard, Come back here and take
what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
5 EXTERIOR - DAY
A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp
cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL
flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with
wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful
YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a
strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A
strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.

FIRST VILLAGER:
We have found a witch. May we burn her?

ALL:
A Witch! Burn her!

BEDEVERE:
How do you know she is a witch?

ALL:
She looks like one. Yes, she does.

Page 26/124
BEDEVERE:
Bring her forward.
They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up
as a witch.

WITCH:
I am not a witch. I am not a witch.

BEDEVERE:
But you are dressed as one.

WITCH:
They dressed me up like this.

ALL:
We didn't, we didn't!

WITCH:
This is not my nose, It is a false one.
BEDEVERE takes her nose off.

BEDEVERE:
Well?

FIRST VILLAGER:
... Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE:
The nose?

FIRST VILLAGER:
And the hat. But she is a witch.

ALL:
A witch, a witch, burn her!

BEDEVERE:
Did you dress her up like this?

FIRST VILLAGER:
... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.

BEDEVERE:

Page 27/124
Why do you think she is a witch?

SECOND VILLAGER:
She turned me into a newt.

BEDEVERE:
A newt?

SECOND VILLAGER:
(After looking at himself for some time)
I got better.

ALL:
Burn her anyway.

BEDEVERE:
Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest

ALL:
There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

BEDEVERE:
Tell me ... what do you do with witches?

ALL:
Burn them.

BEDEVERE:
And what do you burn, apart from witches?

FOURTH VILLAGER:
... Wood?

BEDEVERE:
So why do witches burn?

SECOND VILLAGER:
(pianissimo)
... Because they're made of wood...?

BEDEVERE:
Good.
PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

Page 28/124
ALL:
I see. Yes, of course.

BEDEVERE:
So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

FIRST VILLAGER:
Make a bridge out of her.

BEDEVERE:
Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

ALL:
Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

BEDEVERE:
Does wood sink in water?

ALL:
No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To
the pond.

BEDEVERE:
Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

ALL:
Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

ARTHUR:
A duck.
They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.

BEDEVERE:
Exactly. So... logically ...

FIRST VILLAGER:
(beginning to pick up the thread)
If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE:
And therefore?

ALL:

Page 29/124
A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.

FOURTH VILLAGER:
Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.

BEDEVERE:
We shall use my largest scales.
He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of
wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck
in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks
each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.

BEDEVERE:
Remove the supports.
Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the duck
swing slightly but balance perfectly.

ALL:
A witch! A witch!

WITCH:
It's a fair cop.
All
Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.
The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding
each other admiringly.

BEDEVERE:
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

ARTHUR:
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

BEDEVERE:
My liege ... forgive me ...
ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.

ARTHUR:
Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
and join our number at the Round Table?

BEDEVERE:
My liege, I am honored.
ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty

Page 30/124
ARTHUR:
What is your name?

BEDEVERE:
Bedevere, my Liege.

ARTHUR:
Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!
6 VARIOUS MONTAGE - ANIMATION

VOICE OVER:
And so King Arthur gathered his knights together ... bringing from all
the corners of the kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land ...
To sit at The Round Table ...
Under this voice over we have a montage of shots of ARTHUR recruiting

his Knights:
1. ARTHUR, PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE riding through hillside.

MIX TO:
2. A castle. LONG SHOT of SIR GAWAIN standing outside and ARTHUR's
group approaching and shaking hands perhaps.
3. MIX TO the group now plus SIR GAWAIN and PAGE (who is weighted
down by an enormous quantity of luggage) riding down by a stream
and approaching SIR HECTOR. ARTHUR dubs him.
4. MIX TO the group (now plus HECTOR and PAGE) approaching some group
of buildings or whatever. In the distance SIR ROBIN is being taught
the lute by one of his MUSICIANS. ARTHUR calls and SIR ROBIN
immediately reacts and hands the lute to his MUSICIAN and comes to
join ARTHUR & CO.
5. MIX TO SIR GALAHAD surrounded by chickens. He is wearing a
carpenters
apron over his immaculate armour and is finishing off a hen-house.
We see the group approach and he throws off the apron and puts down
the hen-house and goes to join them.
6. MIX TO the group riding along again.
7. MIX TO SIR LAUNCELOT handing a BABY to his WIFE (who has several
other
CHILDREN hanging about) and he strides off to join ARTHUR, leaving his
castle, WIFE and CHILDREN. The castle (Eilean Donan) has washing
hanging outside it. A real family castle. There are at least
six kids.
8. MIX TO the complete group, i.e. ARTHUR and PATSY, BEDEVERE and

Page 31/124
PAGE,
GAWAIN and PAGE, HECTOR and PAGE, GALAHAD and PAGE, SIR ROBIN and
six MUSICIANS, LAUNCELOT and PAGE.
6 CLOSE-UP of a book on which is written:
THE BOOK OF THE FILM

VOICE OVER:
The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights ...
but other illustrious names were soon to follow ...
Hand turns page.

VOICE OVER:
Sir Launcelot the Brave ...
Hand turns page.

VOICE OVER:
Sir Galahad the Pure ...
Hand turns page.

VOICE OVER:
And Sir Robin-the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Sir-Launcelot ...
Hand turns page.

VOICE OVER:
... Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor ...
Hand turns page.

VOICE OVER:
... Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol ...
Hand turns Page.

VOICE OVER:
... and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill ...
and the aptly named ...
Hand turns page.

VOICE OVER:
Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.
Hand turns page.

VOICE OVER:
Together they formed band whose names and deeds were to be retold
throughout the centuries ... The Knights of the Round Table ...
A gorilla's hand snatches away the hand.

Page 32/124
 Music swells and fades and we MIX THROUGH TO:
7 EXTERIOR - SUNSET
Fairly close HEAD-ON SHOT of the KNIGHTS riding along. BEDEVERE and ARTHUR
at the front of the group deep in conversation.

BEDEVERE:
And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

ARTHUR:
This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how
sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

BEDEVERE:
OF course, my Liege ...

LAUNCELOT:
(he points)
Look, my liege!
They all stop and look.

ARTHUR:
(with thankful reverence)
Camelot!
CUT TO shot of amazing castle in the distance. Illuminated in the rays of
the setting sun.
Music.
CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and the group. They are all staring with fascination.

GALAHAD:
Camelot ...

LAUNCELOT:
Camelot ...

GAWAIN:
(at the back, to PAGE)
It's only a model.

ARTHUR:
(turning sharply)
Sh!
(to the rest)
Knights! I bid you welcome to your new home! Let us ride ...
to Camelot.

Page 33/124
8 INTERIOR - NIGHT
CUT TO interior of medieval hall. A large group of armoured KNIGHTS are
engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up-beat
'If they could see me now' type of fast bouncy number. The poorer verses
are made clearer by CUTTING to a group of knights actually engaged in
the described task while the line itself is sung. They sing:

KNIGHTS:
We're knights of the round table
We dance whene'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are formidable
But many times
We're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
Booming basses. A routine where two XYLOPHONISTS play parts of KNIGHTS'
armour producing a pleasing effect.
In war we're tough and able.
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests
We sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot.

SINGLE MAN:
I have to push the pram a lot.
CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and COMPANY as we had left them.

ARTHUR:
No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot.

KNIGHTS:
Right!

ARTHUR:
It is a silly place.
They set off again almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal
radiance

Page 34/124
and strange heavenly choir music. The PAGES, horselike, take fright for a
moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts. ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS
fall on their knees. A holy voice booms out.

GOD:
Arthur! Arthur ... King of the Britons ...
They all prostrate themselves even further
Oh, don't grovel ... do get up! If there's one thing I can't stand,
it's people grovelling!!
ARTHUR and COMPANY rise.

ARTHUR:
Sorry ...

GOD:
And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy and ...
What are you doing now?

ARTHUR:
I'm averting my eyes, Lord.

GOD:
Well, don't.
I really don't know where all this got started.
It's like those miserable psalms. they're so depressing.
Now knock it of

ARTHUR:
Yes, Lord.

GOD:
Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, you're Knights of the Round
Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times ...

ARTHUR:
Good idea, O Lord!

GOD:
Course it's a good idea.
Suddenly another light glows beside GOD or possibly within the light which
is GOD a shape slowly starts to form.
Behold ... Arthur ... this is the Holy Grail ...
the Sacred Cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper ...

Page 35/124
The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent chalice
... the KNIGHTS gasp.
Look well, Arthur ... for it is your sacred task to seek
this Grail.
It begins to fade. Music crescendo as both lights fade.
That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ...
It is gone. All the KNIGHTS are left gasping in awe and wonderment. They
all turn and look at ARTHUR.

LAUNCELOT:
A Blessing. A blessing from the lord.

BEDEVERE:
Praise be to God!
An awed pause, then ARTHUR rallies them.

ARTHUR:
We have a task, we must waste no time! To Camelot!

GALAHAD:
God be praised!
Stirring music crescendo. They ride off.
CUT TO TITLES SEQUENCE Animation: "The Quest For The Holy Grail" After

titles CUT TO:

9 EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY
MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they
approach
a terrific castle (a little one would do too). They advance quite close to
the castle and draw themselves into a line. At a signal from ARTHUR the
two
PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare.
A MAN appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him.

ARTHUR:
Hello.

MAN:
'Allo. Whoo is eet?

ARTHUR:
I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round
Table. Whose castle is this?

Page 36/124
MAN:
This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

ARTHUR:
Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for
this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

MAN:
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.
He's already got one, you see?

ARTHUR:
What?

GALAHAD:
He says they've already got one!
They are stunned.

ARTHUR:
Are you sure he's got one?

MAN:
Oh yes. It's very nice
CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.

MAN:
I told him we already got one.
They all giggle.

ARTHUR:
Well ... can we come up and have a look?

MAN:
Of course not! You are English pigs.

ARTHUR:
Well, what are you then?

MAN:
I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
silly king.

GALAHAD:

Page 37/124
What are you doing in England?

MAN:
Mind your own business.

ARTHUR:
If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.
Murmurs of assent.

MAN:
You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your
bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called
Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.
He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

GALAHAD:
What a strange person.

ARTHUR:
Now look here, my good man!

MAN:
I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal,
food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother
was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

GALAHAD:
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

MAN:
No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

ARTHUR:
Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonab...

MAN:
Fetchez la vache!

GUARD:
Quoi?

MAN:
Fetchez la vache!
CUT BACK TO battlements. A cow is led out of a stall.

Page 38/124
CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.

ARTHUR:
Now that is my final offer. If you are not prepared to agree to my
demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!
A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow
lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.

ROBIN:
What a cruel thing to do.

BEDEVERE:
(Choking back tears)
It hadn't even been milked.

ARTHUR:
Right! Knights! Forward!
ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle. Various shots of them battling
on,
despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.

ARTHUR:
(as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep)
Knights! Run away!
Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the
odd
cow or goose hitting them still. The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover.

LAUNCELOT:
The sods! I'll tear them apart.

ARTHUR:
(restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go)
No!

BEDEVERE:
I have a plan sir.
CUT BACK TO battlements of castle. FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously peering
towards the English lines. Wind whistles.
Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the castle.
Emptiness. Wind. More shots of the FRENCH SENTRIES peering into the dusk.
As night falls. MIX THROUGH TO night On the battlements a brazier burns
or
torches on the wall as the SENTRIES peer into the dark. Shots of the

Page 39/124
 woodland with fires burning where the English lines are.
During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been herd,
followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts or activity.
CLOSE-UP FRENCH looking very nervous. Dawn breaking. Shot of woodland.
Nothing. Wind. Dawn still breaking. Shots of the FRENCH. They suddenly
hear something. A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder.
CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland. Squeaking getting louder. Shot
of
the FRENCH TAUNTER pointing. WIDE SHOT again. The squeaking gets louder
an enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the
undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle. The ENGLISH
scuttle
back into the undergrowth. The rabbit has a large red bow tied round it
and a rather crudely written label, which reads "Pour votres amis
Francais". The CHIEF TAUNTER looks at it, narrowing his eyes. Then he
turns and leaves battlements.
CUT TO ARTHUR and COMPANY watching from the bushes. The main gate of the
castle opens a little and the CHIEF TAUNTER's head sticks out, then
another
Froggie head, then another. They mutter to each other in French, look
rather pleased, then rush out and start to pull the giant rabbit in.
CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching.

ARTHUR:
Now what happens?

BEDEVERE:
Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall
and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise,
not only by surprise but totally unarmed!

ARTHUR:
Who ... Who breaks out?

BEDEVERE:
Er ... We ... Launcelot, Galahad, and I ... Er ... leap out of the
rabbit and ...
LAUNCELOT covers his eyes.

BEDEVERE:
Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger...
ARTHUR cuffs him. ARTHUR looks at the battlements. There is a loud twang.
Look of horror. The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements.

Page 40/124
ARTHUR:
Run away!
More shouts.
Run away!

SIR GAWAIN:
(to his PAGE as they run away)
It's only a model.

ARTHUR:
Sh!
They continue to retreat. The rabbit lands on GAWAIN'S PAGE
(who is already weighed down by enormous quantity of luggage).
10 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY
CUT TO a MAN in modern dress standing outside a castle. He speaks
straight
to CAMERA in a documentary kind of way.
SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION: A Very Famous Historian.
HISTORIAN'S SPEECH
Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
King Arthur ... The ferocity of the French taunting took him
completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest
knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
individually. Now, this is what they did. No sooner...
A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground. He rides off.
We stay for a moment on the glade. A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. & A.
twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her
HUSBAND.

MRS HISTORIAN:
FRANK!
CUT TO animated frame, with the words "The Tale of Sir Robin" on it.
Pleasant pastoral music. MIX THROUGH TO:

VOICE:
11 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY
A KNIGHT is trotting along through a wooden sun-dapled glade, followed by
his trusty PAGE banging the usual half coconuts. As we see them approach
we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music, and see that
the KNIGHT is followed by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in
thirteenth-century courtly costume, one sings, and plays the tambourine,
one bangs at a tabor (A small drum O.E.D) and one plays the pipes.

Page 41/124
 The KNIGHT looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the
song,
but the combination of the lyrics and the large signs they pass, start
to have their effect ...

SONG:
Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot,
He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin,
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.
His head smashed in, and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
And his penis split ... and his ...

ROBIN:
Er, That's ... That's enough music for a while, lads.
It Looks as though like there's dirty work afoot.

SINGERS:
Brave, Sir Rob ...

ROBIN:
Shut up.
They have ridden past the following signs, all in triplicate:-
------------------------------------------------------
CAMELOT 43CERTAIN DEATH I
CAMELOT 43CERTAIN DEATH I
CAMELOT 43CERTAIN DEATH I
------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
BEWAREGO BACKDEAD PEOPLE ONLY
BEWAREGO BACKDEAD PEOPLE ONLY
BEWAREGO BACKDEAD PEOPLE ONLY
------------------------------------------------------------
12 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY
They now pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree. With their feet off the
ground, with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up
like a barbecue.
Then they pass three KNIGHTS sitting on the ground with one enormous axe

Page 42/124
through their skulls. They look timorous.
Then a huge tree is absolutely packed with MAIDENS tied to it. They all
look fed up. SIR ROBIN calls out cheerfully as he passes.

ROBIN:
Morning.

ONE LADY:
Bye.
SIR ROBIN rides on a little way with the music building up enormous and
terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an
enormous THREE-HEADED KNIGHT.

THREE HEADS:
Halt! Who art thou?

SINGERS:
He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ...

ROBIN:
(to SINGERS)
Shut up. Oh, nobody really. just passing through.

THREE HEADS:
What do you want?

SINGERS:
To fight and ...

ROBIN:
Shut up. Nothing really. just to pass through, good Sir knight.

THREE HEADS:
I'm afraid not.
This is my bit of the forest. Find your own bit.

ROBIN:
I am a Knight of King Arthur's Round Table.
I seek the Holy Grail - Stand aside and let me pass.

THREE HEADS:
You are a Knight of the Round Table?

ROBIN:

Page 43/124
I am.
From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually.

SECOND HEAD:
Shit.

FIRST HEAD:
In that case I shall have to kill you.

SECOND HEAD:
Shall I?

THIRD HEAD:
Oh, I don't think so.

SECOND HEAD:
I'm not sure.

MIDDLE HEAD:
(to FIRST)
What do I think?

LEFT HEAD:
I think kill him.

SECOND HEAD:
I'm still not sure.

THIRD HEAD:
All right. How many of me think I should kill him?

FIRST HEAD:
I do.

THIRD HEAD:
One.

SECOND HEAD:
That's not a quorum.

FIRST HEAD:
It is if I'm the Chairman.

THIRD HEAD:

Page 44/124
 Oo, it's not.

SECOND HEAD:
I'm the Chairman this week.

FIRST HEAD:
You're not.

SECOND HEAD:
Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me.

THIRD HEAD:
To kill him.

SECOND HEAD:
Yeah.

THIRD HEAD:
(tuts)
Oh, damn.

FIRST HEAD:
(to SIR ROBIN)
Knight, I have decided to kill you.

THIRD HEAD:
With one absenting.

FIRST HEAD:
Knight, I have decided to kill you with one absenting.

THIRD HEAD:
(to SIR ROBIN)
Sorry about this but I have to be fair.

ROBIN:
Oh, that's all right. So you are going to kill me with your big axe.

FIRST HEAD:
Er no, with my sword.

SECOND HEAD:
Dagger.

Page 45/124
THIRD HEAD:
Mace is quicker.

FIRST HEAD:
No, no, the sword, it's easier.

THIRD HEAD:
He said axe.

ROBIN:
Look, hurry up six eyes, or I shall cut your head off.

THIRD HEAD:
(to SIR ROBIN, referring to FIRST HEAD)
For God's sake, CUT that one off, and do us all a favour.

FIRST HEAD:
What do you mean?

THIRD HEAD:
Yapping on all the time.

SECOND HEAD:
You're lucky, you're not next to him.

THIRD HEAD:
What do you mean?

SECOND HEAD:
You snore.

THIRD HEAD:
Oo, lies. Anyway, you've got bad breath.

SECOND HEAD:
(aspirating heavily)
I haven't.
Both THIRD and FIRST HEADS turn away slightly, making faces.

SECOND HEAD:
It's not my fault. It's what you both eat.

FIRST HEAD:
Look, stop this bitching. We've got a knight to kill.

Page 46/124
SECOND HEAD:
He's buggered off.

THIRD HEAD:
So he has. He's scarpered.

FIRST HEAD:
That's all your fault.

THIRD HEAD:
No, it's not.

FIRST HEAD:
(swipes at himself)
Take that.

SECOND HEAD:
Ow.

FIRST HEAD:
I'm sorry.

THIRD HEAD:
'Ere, stop it. I'll teach you.
The BODY starts laying into itself with sword and mace, while the HEADS
argue and shout with pain. We PAN gently across to the MAIDENS on their
tree. They are still very fed up.

MAIDEN:
I suppose we're lucky he's only got three heads.

LOVELY:
Chance would be a fine thing.

THIRD HEAD:
Oh! let's be nice to him.

FIRST HEAD:
Oh shut up.

ROBIN:
Perhaps I could ...

Page 47/124
FIRST HEAD:
Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off.

THIRD HEAD:
Oh, cut your own head off.

SECOND HEAD:
Yes - do us all a favour.

FIRST HEAD:
What?

THIRD HEAD:
Yapping on all the time.

SECOND HEAD:
You're lucky, you're not next to him.

THIRD HEAD:
What do you mean?

SECOND HEAD:
You snore.

THIRD HEAD:
Ooh, lies! anyway you've got bad breath.

SECOND HEAD:
Well only because you don't brush my teeth ...

THIRD HEAD:
Oh! stop bickering and let's go and have tea and biscuits.

FIRST HEAD:
All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea
and biscuits.

SECOND HEAD:
Yes.

THIRD HEAD:
Oh! not biscuits ...

FIRST HEAD:

Page 48/124
 All right! All right! not biscuits - but lets kill him anyway ...
WIDE-SHOT THE 3-HEADED KNIGHT is alone.

SECOND HEAD:
He's buggered off!

THIRD HEAD:
So he has! He's scarpered.
13 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY
Quick sequence of SIR ROBIN. The music is jolly and bright, as if
triumphant. ROBIN is not at all happy with the lyrics.

SINGERS:
Brave Sir Robin ran away.

ROBIN:
I didn't.

SINGERS:
Bravely ran away, away.

ROBIN:
No, no, no.

SINGERS:
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
Petrified of being dead
Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin
Turned away and fled.
They disappear into distance.

ANIMATION:
14 EXTERIOR - STORM - FOREST - DUSK
As the storm rages we pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles and
over slippery rocks. Progress is hard. He pauses and at this moment
we hear the howling of wolves. GALAHAD turns, then hurries onward even
more urgently. Another louder, closer howl is herd and GALAHAD stumbles
and falls heavily. Though obviously injured he bravely struggles

Page 49/124
forward a little and regains his feed reacting with pain. More louder
closer howling. He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around
a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying castle,
perhaps looking rather derelict. He makes up his mind in an instant and
stumbles manfully toward it. More louder howling. He reaches the
forbidding and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the
handle of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while. Pause.
He beats again, shouting:

GALAHAD:
Open. Open the doors. In the name of King Arthur. Open the doors.
I am Sir Galahad, a knight of the Round Table.
Some suitable noises are herd inside.
I am on a quest for the Holy Grail. I seek shelter.
Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being
drawn. The wolves' howling is very close. As the door creaks
open GALAHAD steps quickly inside.
15 INTERIOR - CASTLE - NIGHT
From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn
as the door crashes behind him. GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the
fact he is trapped.
ZOOT (OUT OF VISION)
Hello!
GALAHAD turns back. We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him
smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped
around in the seductively poulticed room. They look at him smilingly and
wave.

GIRLIES:
Hello!

ZOOT:
Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

GALAHAD:
The Castle Anthrax?

ZOOT:
Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? But we are
nice and we shall attend to your every ... every need!

GALAHAD:
Er ...
You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

Page 50/124
ZOOT:
The what? But you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget!
Crapper!
MIDGET AND CRAPPER
Yes, O Zoot?

ZOOT:
Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET AND CRAPPER
(grovelling with delight)
Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.

ZOOT:
Away varletesses!
(to GALAHAD)
The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

GALAHAD:
Well, look er, I ...

ZOOT:
What is your name, handsome knight?

GALAHAD:
Er ... Sir Galahad... the Chaste.

ZOOT:
Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot
(she is very close to him for a moment)
But come.
She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner leading
to the bedchamber

GALAHAD:
Well Look, I'm afraid I really ought to be ...

ZOOT:
Sir Galahad!!
There is a gasp from the other GIRLS

ZOOT:
You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS. They are clearly on the verge of

Page 51/124
being offended.

GALAHAD:
Well ...

ZOOT:
(she moves off and GALAHAD unwillingly follows)
I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes, all between
sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no
one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life ... bathing ...
dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear....
They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber.
ZOOT turns

ZOOT:
We are just not used to handsome knights ...
(she notices him limping)
But you are wounded!

GALAHAD:
No, It's nothing!

ZOOT:
You must see the doctors immediately.
(she claps again)
You must lie down.
She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the
room. They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically. They
approach GALAHAD.

PIGLET:
Well, what seems to be the trouble?

GALAHAD:
They're doctors?

ZOOT:
They have a basic medical training, yes. Now you must try to rest.
Dr. Winston! Dr. Piglet! Practice your art!!

WINSTON:
Try to relax.

Page 52/124
GALAHAD:
No look, really, this isn't nescess ...

PIGLET:
We must examine you.

GALAHAD:
There's nothing wrong with ... that.

PIGLET:
(slightly irritated)
Please ... we are doctors.
ZOOT reappears. GALAHAD tries for one brief moment to relax. Then there
is
a sharp boing from the lower part of his armour. WINSTON glances quickly
in the appropriate direction as GALAHAD sits up and starts getting off the
bed and collecting his armour, saying:

GALAHAD:
No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity!

PIGLET:
Back to your bed! At once!

GALAHAD:
I'm sorry, I must go.
GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it. As he leaves the room
we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing
and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful. They smile
enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by
the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs. He nods to them stiffly once
or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY.
He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and cannot resist saying:

GALAHAD:
Good evening ... Ah, Zoot! Er ...

DINGO:
No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

GALAHAD:
Oh. Well, I'm sorry, but I must leave immediately.

DINGO:

Page 53/124
 (very dramatically)
No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot.

GALAHAD:
Er, why?

DINGO:
She has been lying again ... she told us you had promised to
stay for ever!

GALAHAD:
Oh!

GALAHAD:
Oh ... will you excuse me?

DINGO:
Where are you going?

GALAHAD:
I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!

DINGO:
No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot!

GALAHAD:
What is it?

DINGO:
Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot! She has been setting fire to our beacon,
which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ... It is not the
first time we've had this problem.

GALAHAD:
It's not the real Grail?

DINGO:
Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the
penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment
... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come!

GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking!

Page 54/124
DINGO:
You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you
may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.

AMAZING:
And spank me!

STUNNER:
And me.

LOVELY:
And me.

DINGO:
Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS:
A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.

DINGO:
And after the spanking ... the oral sex.

GALAHAD:
Oh, dear! Well, I...

GIRLS:
The oral sex ... The oral sex.

GALAHAD:
Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.
At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and CONCORD,
possibly plus GAWAIN, burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and
form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS.

LAUNCELOT:
Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD:
Oh ... hello ...

LAUNCELOT:
Quick!

GALAHAD:

Page 55/124
Why?

LAUNCELOT:
You are in great peril.

DINGO:
No he isn't

LAUNCELOT:
Silence! Foul temptress!

GALAHAD:
Well, she's got a point.

LAUNCELOT:
We'll cover your escape!

GALAHAD:
Look - I'm fine!

GIRLS:
Sir Galahad!
He threatens DINGO.

GALAHAD:
No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

GIRLS:
Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed!

LAUNCELOT:
Come Sir Galahad, quickly!

GALAHAD:
No, really, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

DINGO:
Yes, let him handle us easily.

LAUNCELOT:
No sir. Quick!
He starts pulling GALAHAD away.

GALAHAD:

Page 56/124
No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred.

GIRLS:
He will beat us easily. We haven't a chance.

DINGO:
Oh shit!
By now LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE have hustled GALAHAD out of the bathing
area and are running through the outside door.

LAUNCELOT:
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

GALAHAD:
(dragging his feet somewhat)
I don't think I was.

LAUNCELOT:
You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril.

GALAHAD:
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?

LAUNCELOT:
It's too perilous.
They are right outside the castle by now.

GALAHAD:
Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.

LAUNCELOT:
No, no, we must find the Grail.
The thunderstorm is over. A bunch (sic) of PAGES are tethered to a tree
with
more MEN waiting. Their tethers are untied and the PAGES start banging
away
with their coconuts. GALAHAD is swept along with them as they ride off.

GALAHAD:
Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?

LAUNCELOT:
No. It's unhealthy.

Page 57/124
GALAHAD:
... I Bet you're gay.

LAUNCELOT:
No, I'm not.
GAWAIN or CONCORDE gives a knowing glance at LAUNCELOT. VOICE comes in as
they ride off.

VOICE OVER:
Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain
temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal
of their search for the Holy Grail. Only Bedevere and
King Arthur himself, riding day and night, had made
any progress.
16 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION
ARTHUR and BEDEVERE in the depths of a dark forest with an old blind
SOOTHSAYER. He lies in a broken down old woodman's hut.

ARTHUR:
And this "Enchanter" of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
The SOOTHSAYER laughs forbiddingly, adding to the general spookiness of
this encounter.

ARTHUR:
Where does he live?
(he stares into the blind eyes of the OLD MAN)
Old man ... where does he live ...

SOOTHSAYER:
He knows of a cave ... a cave which no man has entered.

ARTHUR:
And ... the Grail ... The Grail is there?
The BLIND MAN laughs again to himself.

SOOTHSAYER:
There is much danger ... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed.

ARTHUR:
But the Grail ... where is the Grail!?

SOOTHSAYER:
Seek you the Bridge of Death ...

Page 58/124
ARTHUR:
The Bridge of Death? ... which leads to the Grail?
The OLD MAN laughs sinisterly and mockingly. They look down and he is
gone. They stand up. Suddenly behind them is a noise. They turn sharply
in the door of the little hut is a cat. It miaows and is gone. They
slowly back out of the hut. As they touch the doorposts they just flake
away into dust. The whole hut is rotten. It collapses
Spooky music. They are thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear noises of
people moving in the forest around them. They start to back cautiously
away from the hut, suddenly there is heavy footfall behind them. They
turn in fear and:
Sudden CUT TO BIG CLOSE-UP of a frightening black-browed evil face.
TALL KNIGHT OF NI
Ni!
ARTHUR and BEDEVERE recoil in abject fear. PATSY rears up with coconuts.

ARTHUR:
(to PATSY)
Easy ... boy, easy ...
ARTHUR peers into the darkness.
Who are you?
SIX VOICES FROM DARKNESS
NI! ... Peng! ... Neeee ... Wom!
An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black (possibly John with Mike on his
shoulders) walks out from the dark trees. He is extremely fierce and
gruesome countenance. He walks towards KING ARTHUR and PATSY, who are
wazzing like mad. (Salopian slang, meaning very scared. almost to the
point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or
prior to a postering. Salopian slang meaning a beating by the school
praeposters. Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction - Ed.)

ARTHUR:
(wazzed stiff)
Who are you?

TALL KNIGHT:
We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

BEDEVERE:
No! Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

TALL KNIGHT:
The same!

Page 59/124
ARTHUR:
Who are they?

TALL KNIGHT:
We are the keepers of the sacred words. NI ... Peng ... and Neee
... Wom!

BEDEVERE:
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

TALL KNIGHT:
The Knights Who Say "Ni"! demand a sacrifice.

ARTHUR:
(to the TALL KNIGHT)
Knights Who Say "Ni" ... we are but simple travellers. We seek the
Enchanter who lives beyond this wood and who ...

TALL KNIGHT:
NI!

ARTHUR:
(recoiling)
Oh!

TALL KNIGHT:
NI! NI!

ARTHUR:
(he cowers in fear)
Oh!

TALL KNIGHT:
We shall say Ni! again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR:
All right! What do you want?

TALL KNIGHT:
We want ... a shrubbery!

ARTHUR:
A what?

Page 60/124
TALL KNIGHT:
Ni! Ni! Ni ... Peng ... Nee ... Wum!
The PAGES rear and snort and rattle their coconuts.

ARTHUR:
All right! All right! ... No more, please. We will find you
a shrubbery ...

TALL KNIGHT:
You must return here with a shrubbery or else ... you shall
not pass through this wood alive!

ARTHUR:
Thanks you, Knights Who Say Ni! You are fair and just. We will
return with a shrubbery.

TALL KNIGHT:
One that looks nice.

ARTHUR:
Of course.

TALL KNIGHT:
And not too expensive.

ARTHUR:
Yes ...

TALL KNIGHT:
Now - go!
ARTHUR and BEDEVERE turn and ride off.

OTHER KNIGHTS:
Ni! Ni!
Shouts of "Ni" and "Peng" ring behind them.
17 EXTERIOR - DAY
CUT BACK TO the HISTORIAN lying in the glade. His WIFE, who has been
kneeling beside him, rises as two POLICE PATROLMEN enter the glade.
They bend over her HUSBAND. One takes out a notebook.
CUT TO and animated title - "The Tale of Sir Launcelot"
18 INTERIOR - PRINCE'S ROOM IN CASTLE - DAY
A young, quite embarrassingly unattractive PRINCE is gazing out of a castle
window. His FATHER stands beside him. He is also looking out. The

Page 61/124
PRINCE wears a long white undershirt (like a night shirt).

FATHER:
One day, lad, all this will be yours ...

PRINCE:
What - the curtains?

FATHER:
No! Not the curtains, lad ... All that ...
(indicates the vista from the window)
all that you can see, stretched out over the hills and
valleys ... as far as the eye can see and beyond ...
that'll be your kingdom, lad.

PRINCE:
But, Mother ...

FATHER:
Father, lad.

PRINCE:
But, Father, I don't really want any of that.

FATHER:
Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing. All I had when
I started was swamp ... other kings said I was daft to build a
castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em.
It sank into the swamp. So I built a another one ... that sank
into the swamp. I built another one ... That fell over and THEN
sank into the swamp .... So I built another ... and that stayed up.
... And that's what your gonna get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in
this island.

PRINCE:
But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...

FATHER:
Rather what?

PRINCE:
I'd rather ... just ... sing ...

MUSIC INTRO:

Page 62/124
FATHER:
You're not going to do a song while I'm here!
Music stops.
Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to
a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

PRINCE:
I don't want land.

FATHER:
Listen, Alice ...

PRINCE:
Herbert.

FATHER:
Herbert ... We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all
the land we can get.

PRINCE:
But I don't like her.

FATHER:
Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful ...
she's rich ... she's got huge tracts of land ...

PRINCE:
I know ... but ... I want the girl that I marry to have ...
a certain ... special ... something ...
MUSIC INTO FOR song.

FATHER:
Cut that out!
Music cuts off abruptly.
You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!
Guards!
TWO GUARDS enter and stand to attention on either side of the door
One of them has hiccoughs and does so throughout.

FATHER:
Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until
I come and get him.

Page 63/124
FIRST GUARD:
Not ... to leave the room ... even if you come and get him.

FATHER:
No. Until I come and get him.

SECOND GUARD:
Hic.

FIRST GUARD:
Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER:
No ... You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

FIRST GUARD:
... and you'll come and get him.

SECOND GUARD:
Hic.

FATHER:
That's Right.

FIRST GUARD:
We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
entering the room.

FATHER:
Leaving the room.

FIRST GUARD:
Leaving the room ... yes.

FATHER:
Got it?

SECOND GUARD:
Hic.
FARTHER makes to leave.

FIRST GUARD:
Er ... if ... we ... er ...

Page 64/124
FATHER:
Yes?

FIRST GUARD:
If we ... er ...
(trying to remember what he was going to say)

FATHER:
Look, it's simple. Just stay here and make sure he doesn't
leave the room.

SECOND GUARD:
Hic.

FATHER:
Right?

FIRST GUARD:
Oh, I remember ... can he ... er ... can he leave the room with us?

FATHER:
(carefully)
No .... keep him in here ... and make sure he doesn't ...

FIRST GUARD:
Oh, yes! we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
to leave and we were with him.

FATHER:
No ... just keep him in here.

FIRST GUARD:
Until you, or anyone else ...

FATHER:
No, not anyone else - just me.

FIRST GUARD:
Just you ...

SECOND GUARD:
Hic.

FIRST GUARD:

Page 65/124
Get back.

FATHER:
Right.

FIRST GUARD:
Okay. Fine. We'll remain here until you get back.

FATHER:
And make sure he doesn't leave.

FIRST GUARD:
What?

FATHER:
Make sure he doesn't leave.

FIRST GUARD:
The Prince ... ?

FATHER:
Yes ... make sure ...

FIRST GUARD:
Oh yes, of course! I thought you meant him!
(he points to the other GUARD and laughs to himself)
You know it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when
he's a guard ...

FATHER:
Is that clear?

SECOND GUARD:
Hic.

FIRST GUARD:
Oh, yes. That's quite clear. No problems.
FATHER pulls open the door and makes to leave the room. The GUARDS follow.

FATHER:
(to the GUARDS)
Where are you going?

FIRST GUARD:

Page 66/124
We're coming with you.

FATHER:
No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave
the room until I get back.

FIRST GUARD:
Oh, I see, Right.
They take up positions on either side of the door.

PRINCE:
But, Father.

FATHER:
Shut your noise, you, and get that suit on!
He points to a wedding suit on a table or chair. FATHER throws one last
look at the BOY and turns, goes out and slams the door.
The PRINCE slumps onto window seat, looking forlornly out of the window.
MUSIC INTRO to song ...
The door flies open, the music cuts off and FATHER pokes his head in.

FATHER:
And no singing!

SECOND GUARD:
Hic.

FATHER:
(as he goes out.)
Go and have a drink of water.
FATHER slams the door again. The GUARDS take up their positions. The SON
gazes out of the window again ... sighs ... thinks ... a thought strikes
him
... he gets up, crosses to his desk and scribbles a quick note and impales
it on an arrow ... takes a bow down from the wall ... and fires the arrow
out of the window.
He looks wetly defiant at the GUARDS, who smile pleasantly.
15 EXTERIOR - A FOREST - DAY
CUT TO the middle of the forest. SIR LAUNCELOT is riding along with
a trusty servant, CONCORDE.

LAUNCELOT:
And ... o v e r ... we go!
He strides over a big tree trunk ... his "horse" does run and jump ...

Page 67/124
LAUNCELOT:
(enthusiastically)
Well taken, Concorde!

CONCORDE:
Thank you, sir, most kind ...

LAUNCELOT:
And another!
CONCORDE misses a beat.
Steady! Good ... and the last one ...
CONCORDE does the run-up with the coconuts. He does the break for the
leap ... there is a thwack. SIR LAUNCELOT is waiting for the horse
to land.

CONCORDE:
Message for you, sir.
He falls forward revealing the arrow with the note.

LAUNCELOT:
Concorde - speak to me.
He realises he might be in danger and so starts to crawl off ...
when he notices the note. He takes it out and reads it.

LAUNCELOT:
(reading)
"To whoever finds this note -
I have been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry
against my will. Please please please please come and rescue me.
I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle."
SIR LAUNCELOT's eyes light up with holy inspiration.

LAUNCELOT:
At last! A call! A cry of distress ...
(he draws his sword, and turns to CONCORDE)
Concorde! Brave, Concorde ... you shall not have died in vain!

CONCORDE:
I'm not quite dead, sir ...

LAUNCELOT:
(a little deflated)
Oh, well ... er brave Concorde! You shall not have been fatally

Page 68/124
wounded in vain!

CONCORDE:
I think I could pull through, sir.

LAUNCELOT:
Good Concorde ... stay here and rest awhile.
He makes to leap off dramatically.

CONCORDE:
I think I'll be all right to come with you, sir.

LAUNCELOT:
I will send help, brave friend, as soon as I have accomplished
this most daring, desperate adventure in this genre.

CONCORDE:
Really, I feel fine, sir.

LAUNCELOT:
Farewell, Concorde!

CONCORDE:
It just seems silly ... me lying here.
SIR LAUNCELOT plunges off into the forest.
20 EXTERIOR - CASTLE GATEWAY - DAY
Two hanging banners one each side of the gate with the monogram:
"H & L".
TWO SENTRIES with spears ... slightly weddingly ... red ribbons on their
right spears. We can hear from inside revelry and celebration music.
We hear LAUNCELOT's footsteps. The TWO SENTRIES are watching him. One of
them raises his hand.

FIRST SENTRY:
Halt, friend ...
LAUNCELOT leaps into SHOT with a mighty cry and runs the GUARD through and
hacks him to the floor. Blood. Swashbuckling music (perhaps).
LAUNCELOT races through into the castle screaming.

SECOND SENTRY:
Hey!
He looks down at his mutilated comrade.
21 EXTERIOR - DAY
CUT TO inside of the castle grounds or courtyard.

Page 69/124
in the sunlight beautifully dressed WEDDING GUESTS are arriving.
Converging on a doorway. A country dance in progress.
SIR LAUNCELOT rushes towards them.
CUT TO HAND-HELD CLOSE-UPS as he charges through the crowd, hacking
right and left a la Errol Flynn at all who come in his way.
He fights his way through the country dance. Blood. Shrieks. Bemused
looks of GUESTS - not horror so much as uncomprehending surprise.
Possibly Errol Flynn music.
One COUNTRY DANCER is left holding just a hand.
Right and left the GUESTS crumple in pools of blood as he fights his
way through the door and into the main hall.
22 INTERIOR - DAY
CUT TO interior of main hall. Sound of busy preparations. MEN setting
up huge hogsheads of wine. MEN putting up last minute flower arrangements.
COOKS bearing huge trays of food, pies, suckling pigs, a swan, boar's
head, etc.
The BRIDE being dressed by several ATTENDANTS. FATHER ordering SERVANTS
around - organizing the STEWARDS etc.
SIR LAUNCELOT bursts through the middle of them, slashing heroically,
hacking, wounding and killing. Again fairly CLOSE-UP chaotic SHOTS.
We see GUESTS stagger back wounded - a COOK bites the dust, etc.
SIR LAUNCELOT eventually reaches the staircase ... runs up it and
into a small door.
23 INTERIOR - DAY
CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT running up spiral staircase. He reaches the door
of the PRINCE's room. he flings it open.

FIRST GUARD:
Ah! Now ... we're not allowed to ...
SIR LAUNCELOT runs him through, grabs his spear and stabs the other
guard who collapses in a heap. Hiccoughs quietly.
SIR LAUNCELOT runs to the window and kneels down in front of the PRINCE,
averting his head.

LAUNCELOT:
Oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot,
from the Court of Camelot. I have come to take you ...
(he looks up for the first time and his voice trails away)
away ... I'm terribly sorry ...

PRINCE:
You got my note!

LAUNCELOT:

Page 70/124
Well ... yes ...

PRINCE:
You've come to rescue me?

LAUNCELOT:
Well ... yes ... but I hadn't realised ...

PRINCE:
(his eyes light up)
I knew that someone would come. I knew ... somewhere out there ...
there must be ...
MUSIC INTRO to song.

FATHER:
(suddenly looking in the door)
Stop that!
Music cuts out.
FATHER sees SIR LAUNCELOT still kneeling before his son.

FATHER:
Who are you?

PRINCE:
I'm ... your son ...

FATHER:
Not you.

LAUNCELOT:
(half standing self-consciously)
I'm ... er ... Sir Launcelot, sir.

PRINCE:
He's come to rescue me, father.

LAUNCELOT:
(embarrassed)
Well, let's not jump to conclusions ...

FATHER:
Did you kill all those guards?

LAUNCELOT:

Page 71/124
Yes ... I'm very sorry ...

FATHER:
They cost fifty pounds each!

LAUNCELOT:
Well, I'm really am most awfully sorry but I ...
I can explain everything ...

PRINCE:
Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I've got a rope here all
ready ...
He throws a rope out of the window which is tied to a pillar in the room
He looks rather pleased with himself that he has got it all ready.

FATHER:
You killed eight wedding guests in all!

LAUNCELOT:
Er, Well ... the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady.

FATHER:
I can understand that.

PRINCE:
(half out of the window)
Hurry, brave Sir Launcelot!

FATHER:
(to his SON)
Shut up!
(to LAUNCELOT)
You only killed the bride's father - that's all -

LAUNCELOT:
Oh dear, I didn't really mean to...

FATHER:
Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head!

LAUNCELOT:
Gosh - Is he all right?

FATHER:

Page 72/124
You even kicked the bride in the chest! It's going to cost
me a fortune!

LAUNCELOT:
I can explain ... I was in the forest ... riding north
from Camelot ... when I got this note.

FATHER:
Camelot? Are you from Camelot?
The PRINCE's head peeps over the windowsill.

PRINCE:
Hurry!

LAUNCELOT:
I am, sir. I am a Knight of King Arthur.

FATHER:
'Mm ... very nice castle, Camelot ... very good pig country....

LAUNCELOT:
Is it?
PRINCE (out of vision)
I am ready, Sir Launcelot.

FATHER:
Do you want to come and have a drink?

LAUNCELOT:
Oh ... that's awfully nice.
PRINCE (OOV)
(loud and shrill)
I am ready!
As they walk past the rope, the FATHER nonchalantly cuts with his knife.
there is no sound except after a pause a slight squeal from very far away
as the PRINCE makes contact with the ground.

LAUNCELOT:
It's just that when I'm in this genre, I tend to get over-excited
and start to leap around and wave my sword about ... and ...

FATHER:
Oh, don't worry about that ... Tell me ... doesn't Camelot own
that stretch of farmland up by the mountains?

Page 73/124
He puts his arm round LAUNCELOT's shoulders as they go though the door.
24 INTERIOR - DAY
CUT TO the great hall. GUESTS wounded and bloody, are tending to the dead
and injured, sighs and groans, the PRINCESS in her white wedding dress is
holding her chest and coughing blood.
People dabbing the stains off her dress.
FATHER and SIR LAUNCELOT start to walk down the grand staircase. Talking
to each other.
One of the GUESTS notices and points to SIR LAUNCELOT.

GUEST:
There he is!
As one man all remaining able-bodied MEN look up and make for the
staircase,
muttering angrily. SIR LAUNCELOT grabs his sword.

FATHER:
Hold it!
But it is too lake. SIR LAUNCELOT cannot be stopped. With fearless
abandon
he throws himself into the CROWD and starts hacking and slashing. He has
carved quite a number up before the FATHER can stop him and pulls him back
onto the stairs. Renewed groans and cries.

FATHER:
(shouting above noise)
Hold it! Please!

LAUNCELOT:
Sorry! Sorry ...
(with bitter self reproach)
There you See ... I just got excited again and I got carried away ...
I'm ever so sorry.
(to the CROWD)
Sorry.
CROWD kneeling round their wounded again. Moans etc.

GUEST:
He's killed the best man!

SECOND GUEST:
(holding a limp WOMAN)
He's killed my auntie.

Page 74/124
FATHER:
No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who ... We
are here today to witness the union of two young people in
the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one
of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.
Murmurs from CROWD; the BRIDE smiles with relief, coughs.
But I don't want to think I've not lost a son ...
so much as gained a daughter ...
Smattering of applause.
For, since the tragic death of her father ...

SHOUT FROM BACK:

He's not quite dead!

FATHER:
Since the fatal wounding of her father ...

SHOUT FROM BACK:

I think He's getting better!
FATHER nods discreetly to a SOLDIER standing to one side. The SOLDIER
slips off. FATHER's eyes watch him move round to where the voice
came from.

FATHER:
For ... since her own father ... who ... when he seemed about to
recover ... suddenly felt the icy ... hand of death upon him.
A scuffle at the back.

SHOUT FROM BACK:

Oh, he's died!

FATHER:
I want his only daughter, from now onwards, to think of me as her
old dad ... in a very real and legally binding sense.
Applause.
And I'm sure sure ... that the merger ... er ... the union
between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Launcelot
of Camelot ...

LAUNCELOT:
What?
Gasp from the CROWD.

Page 75/124
CROWD:
The dead Prince!
There is CONCORDE holding "THE DEAD PRINCE" in his arms.

CONCORDE:
He's not quite dead!

PRINCE:
I feel much better.

FATHER:
You fell out of the Tall Tower you creep!

PRINCE:
I was saved at the last minute.

FATHER:
How?

PRINCE:
Well ... I'll tell you ...
MUSIC INTRO to song. CONCORDE stands the SON on his feet and adopts cod
"and now a number from my friend" pose.

FATHER:
Not like that!
But the music doesn't stop and the CROWD starts to sing.

CROWD:
He's going to tell.

FATHER:
Shut up!

CROWD:
He's going to tell ...

FATHER:
(screaming)
Shut UP!
As the song starts the FATHER tries yelling at them and eventually gives
up. SIR LAUNCELOT joins CONCORDE in the CROWD.

LAUNCELOT:

Page 76/124
 We must escape. Quickly before the song.

CONCORDE:
Come with me, sir.

LAUNCELOT:
You're not right for this genre ... I must escape more dramatically.

CONCORDE:
Quickly, sir, come this way!

LAUNCELOT:
No! It's not right for my idiom. I must escape more ... more ...

CONCORDE:
Dramatically, sir?

LAUNCELOT:
Dramatically.

CROWD:
He's going to tell
He's going to tell
He's going to tell about his great escape.
Oh he fell a long long way
But he's here with us today
What a wonderful ... escape.
CONCORDE goes. SIR LAUNCELOT runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope
of the wall and swings out over the heads of the CROWD in a
swashbuckling manner towards a large window. He stops just short
of the window and is left swing pathetically back and forth.

LAUNCELOT:
Excuse me ... could somebody give me a push ...
25 EXTERIOR - A DESERTED VILLAGE - DUSK
Toothless old CRONE by the roadside. ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and two PAGES
ride up and draw up alongside the CRONE.

ARTHUR:
Is there anywhere where we could buy a shrubbery?
The OLD CRONE crosses herself with a look of stark terror.

CRONE:
Who sent you?

Page 77/124
ARTHUR:
The Knights Who Say Ni!

CRONE:
Aaaagh!
(she looks around in rear)
No! We have no shrubberies here.

BEDEVERE:
Surely, there must be.
ARTHUR restrains from threatening the LADY.

ARTHUR:
(aside)
It will be not good to argue. These simple people are terrified
of the Knights Who Say Ni!

CRONE:
(she cowers)
Ohhh!
ARTHUR takes BEDEVERE further aside.

ARTHUR:
There is only one way to get the information we want ...

BEDEVERE:
Send her a letter from a long way away?

ARTHUR:
Er, no ... no, we must ...

BEDEVERE:
Talk to her in funny voices?

ARTHUR:
(slightly crossly)
No ...

BEDEVERE:
How about trying ourselves to a tree?

ARTHUR:
(grittily)

Page 78/124
 No. Our only hope is to make her as afraid of us as she is of
the awful Knights Who Say Ni!

BEDEVERE:
(sagely)
Ah! Hit ourselves with a big rock ...
He nods knowingly.

ARTHUR:
(tolerantly but firmly)
No. Nothing we do to ourselves will frighten her as much as
what we can do to her ...

BEDEVERE:
Ah!

ARTHUR:
We must threaten to say "Ni"!

BEDEVERE:
(terror)
Oh, no.
They reapproach the OLD CRONE who is cowering more than ever.

ARTHUR:
Listen, old crone! Unless you tell us where we can buy a
shrubbery, my friend and I will ... we will say "Ni!"

CRONE:
Do your worst!
I have herd the Knights say "Ni"! in the night. I have herd the
hideous Peng! and they have said "Nee-wum"! to my sister but still
I have not revealed ...

ARTHUR:
Very well, old crone. Since you will not assist us voluntarily
... "Ni"!

CRONE:
No. Never. No shrubberies.

ARTHUR:
Ni!

Page 79/124
BEDEVERE:
Nu!

ARTHUR:
No. Ni! More like this. "Ni"!

BEDEVERE:
Ni, ni, ni!

ARTHUR:
It's not working.
You're not doing it properly. Ni!

BEDEVERE:
Ni!

ARTHUR:
That's it. Ni! Ni!
A PASSER-BY on a horse is observing them.

ROGER:
Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?

ARTHUR:
Erm, yes.

ROGER:
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni"
at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land!
nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design
shrubberies are under considerable economic stress
at this point in time.

ARTHUR:
Did you say shrubberies?

ROGER:
Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name
is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

BEDEVERE:
(rather aggressively, to ROGER)
Ni!

Page 80/124
ARTHUR:
No. No. No!
26 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DUSK
CUT TO the glade in the forest again.

ARTHUR:
Oh, Knights of Ni, here is your shrubbery. May we go now?

TALL KNIGHT:
That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly -
But there is one small problem.

ARTHUR:
What is that?

TALL KNIGHT:
We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni!

ONE KNIGHT:
Ni!

OTHERS:
Sh!

ONE KNIGHT:
(wispers)
Sorry.

TALL KNIGHT:
We are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

OTHERS:
Ni!

OTHERS:
Ni!

ONE KNIGHT:
Peng!

OTHERS:
Ni!

OTHERS:

Page 81/124
Sh! Sh!

TALL KNIGHT:
Therefore ... we are no longer contractually bound by any agreements
previously entered into by the Knights Who Say Ni!

ONE KNIGHT:
Ni!

ANOTHER:
Peng!

ANOTHER:
Sh!

TALL KNIGHT:
Shut up!
(to ARTHUR)
Therefore, we must give you a test, a Test to satisfy the Knights who
say Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

OTHERS:
(terrific chorus)
Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

ARTHUR:
What is this test, Knights of N...
(can't say it)
... Recently Knights of Ni!

KNIGHT:
Ni!

TALL KNIGHT:
Firstly. You must get us another shrubbery!

OTHER KNIGHTS:
(half seen)
More shrubberies! More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni!

ARTHUR:
Not another shrubbery -

TALL KNIGHT:

Page 82/124
When you have found the shrubbery, place the shrubbery here,
beside this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a
two-level effect with a path through the middle.

OTHER KNIGHTS:
A path! A little path for the late Knights of Ni!
Chorus of "Ni! Ni!"

TALL KNIGHT:
When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut
down the mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring.

OTHER KNIGHTS:
Yes! With a herring! With a herring! Cut down with a herring!

ARTHUR:
We shall do no such thing ... let us pass!

TALL KNIGHT:
Oh, please!

ARTHUR:
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!

OTHER KNIGHTS:
(they all recoil in horror)
Oh!

TALL KNIGHT:
Don't say that word.

ARTHUR:
What word?

TALL KNIGHT:
I cannot tell you. Suffice to say is one of the words
the Knights of Ni! cannot hear!

ARTHUR:
How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is?

TALL KNIGHT:
(cringing in fear)
You said it again!

Page 83/124
ARTHUR:
What, "is"?

TALL KNIGHT:
(dismissively)
No, no ... not "is"!

OTHER KNIGHTS:
Not "is"! Not "is"!
Suddenly singing is heard from deep in the forest.
SIR ROBIN'S SINGERS
Bravely good Sir Robin was not at all afraid
To have his eyeballs skewered ...

TALL KNIGHT:
(irritated)
"Is" is all right ... You wouldn't get far not saying "Is"!

BEDEVERE:
My liege, it's Sir Robin!

TALL KNIGHT:
(covering his ears)
You've said the word again!
SIR ROBIN and his SINGERS appear in the clearing. The SINGERS are going on
cheerfully as usual and ROBIN walks in front of them, continually
embarrassed at their presence.

SINGERS:
... and his kidneys burnt and his nipples skewered off ...
ROBIN holds his hand up for silence.

ARTHUR:
Sir Robin!
He shakes his hand warmly.

ROBIN:
My liege! It's good to have found you again ...

TALL KNIGHT:
Now he's said the word!

ARTHUR:

Page 84/124
 Where are you going good Sir Robin?
ROBIN'S SINGERS
(starting up again)
He was going home ... he was giving up,
He was throwing in the sponge.

ROBIN:
(to SINGERS)
Shut up! No ... er ... no ... I ... er ... I ... er ... I certainly
wasn't giving up ... I was actually looking for the grail ...
er thing ... in this forest.

ARTHUR:
No ... it lies beyond this forest.

TALL KNIGHT:
Stop saying the word!

OTHER KNIGHTS:
Stop saying the word! The word we cannot hear! The word ...

ARTHUR:
(losing his patience with the fearful KNIGHTS OF "NI")
Oh, stop it!
Terrific confusion amongst the KNIGHTS OF "NI", they roll on the ground
covering their ears. The TALL KNIGHT remains standing trying to control
his MEN.

OTHER KNIGHTS:
They're all saying the word ...

TALL KNIGHT:
Stop saying it. AAAArghh! ... I've said it ...

OTHER KNIGHTS:
You've said it! Aaaaarghhh! ... We've said it ... Wwe're all saying it.
ARTHUR beckons to BEDEVERE and ROBIN and they pick their way through
the helpless KNIGHTS OF "NI" and away into the forest.
27 EXTERIOR - HISTORIAN'S GLADE - DAY
We CUT TO an almost subliminal shot of the HISTORIAN'S WIFE being shown
into a police car, which then roars off out of the glade
CUT BACK to the forest. The Knights of "NI" are slowly recovering.
they
get up.

Page 85/124
TALL KNIGHT:
Well, At least We've got ONE shrubbery.

OTHER KNIGHTS:
Yes, Yes ... We've Done very Well ... NI!

TALL KNIGHT:
Ssh! I think somebody's coming. We'll get them to give us
another shrubbery.

OTHER KNIGHTS:
Good Idea. More shrubberies. As many as possible.
Perhaps we start to TRACK BACK from the scene as they go on talking.

TALL KNIGHT:
What shall we call ourselves this time?

KNIGHT:
How about "The knights of Nicky-Nicky"?
28 EXTERIOR - DAY
A Small group of PEASANTS are being shuffled into a group formation, at
the
apparent direction of someone behind the camera. A Few coughs
as they shuffle together. a moment of silence. then they burst
into pleasant (melliflubus) song.

Song:
and all the hills are green
Oh! Oh! We sing
hey! hey! We sing
our count....ry Song...
A hail of arrow hits them and they crumple up. sound of raucous
laughter OFF CAMERA.
CUT TO Reveal a firing squad of ARCHERS kneeling not ten feet away from
the group of SINGERS.
Sitting on the throne on a dais is KING BRIAN THE WILD. He is roaring
with
roaring with laughter. and his court is slightly shabby - bearing all
the
marks of a faded richness. it is a court without women, and nobody
does the washing or shaves very well. perhaps there is washing however
on the line over the castle. KING BRIAN'S ADVISERS stand around
him. Everyone bears the signs of past injuries (Except for BRIAN

Page 86/124
 himself) I.E. they have an arm in a sling or head bandaged; all the
people
at court, except for BRIAN have their left arm missing (possibly
the result of some violent edict a few years back)

KING BRIAN:
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Oh! Very good! Next!

FIRST ADVISER:
(a Little uncomfortably - perhaps his arm is in a sling obviously
giving him some pain)
There are no more, Sir.

KING BRIAN:
(grabbing him by the collar)
What do'you mean you filthy dog!

FIRST ADVISER:
There are no more close harmony groups in the kingdom, Sir.

KING BRIAN:
No more close harmony groups!!!

FIRST ADVISER:
We have scoured the kingdom.

KING BRIAN:
(lifting him bodily into the air and breaking his
arm again slightly)
You Miserable worm! you wretch! You Walking son of a dunghill keeper!
Guards!
Two Rather shabby looking GUARDS approach. (as everyone else they also
have their left arms missing)

FIRST ADVISER:
have mercy your MAJESTY!

KING BRIAN:
GUARDS! Take him away and suspend him by his nostrils from the highest
tree in the kingdom!
The Guards grab him unmercifully and drag him off. he whines piteously.
29 EXTERIOR - DAY
CUT BACK to the glade where the KNIGHTS OF NI! were. A police car

Page 87/124
 roars up. Two PLAIN CLOTHES DETECTIVE and a CONSTABLE get out, look
around suspiciously, perhaps kneel and examine the ground. one POLICEMAN
finds PATSY's shoe and the other finds a strange scientific instrument
that
was hanging from BEDEVERE.
They nod grimly to each other. Climb back in the car and drive off.
30 EXTERIOR - DAY
Back in KING BRIAN's Court. the FIRST ADVISER has been dragged off.
there
are muffled screams coming from the nearby tree. the FIRST ADVISER
is being hauled up it on pulleys.

SECOND ADVISER:
Your Majesty, I can Find you a Lute player, whose music is passing
sweet.

KING BRIAN:
It's not the same, You thick-headed fool!
(KING BRIAN hits him on the back of the head. he falls.)
There's no fun in killing soloists!

SECOND ADVISER:
(picking himself up)
He may have a friend...

KING BRIAN:
GUARDS!

SECOND ADVISER:
Oh Please your majesty! Please!

KING BRIAN:
Take him away and tie his kidneys to the longest hedge in the kingdom!
The GUARDS drag the ADVISER roughly away.

SECOND ADVISER:
No!
(he is dragged off screaming and protesting)

KING BRIAN:
(roaring at the rest of the court)
I will personally disembowel the next little bastard who tells me that
there are no more close harmony ...
At this moment we hear faintly the sound of singing. KING BRIAN stopped

Page 88/124
 to listen. The entire COURT turns thankfully towards the mellifluous
sounds.
We're the knights of the round table
our shows are formidable
but many times we're given rhymes
that are quite unsingable...

KING BRIAN:
Wait a minute! Five point harmony with a counter-tenor lead!
Various members of the COURT sigh and breathe more easily.

CREEP:
Thank goodness.

KING BRIAN:
Shut up!
(punches him right on the end of the nose and shouts to the
SECOND ADVISER)
Oy you!

SECOND ADVISER:
(doubled-up, Surrounded by soldiers busy with his stomach)
Yes, Your majesty?

KING BRIAN:
Go and get 'em!

SECOND ADVISER:
(gratefully)
Thank you sir!
(He staggers off with some difficulty)

GUARD:
'ere... We'd just started taking his kidneys out.
CUT TO ARTHUR,BEDEVERE,GALAHAD and LANCELOT. (Garwin,thrstam, Hecrot)
plus all their pages. there are riding along singing cheerily.

KNIGHTS:
We're baby mad and Camelot
we nurse and push the pram a lot
in war we're tough and able
quite indefatigable
between our quests we sequin vests
and dress like betty gable

Page 89/124
 it's a...

SECOND ADVISER:
HALT!

SIR GALAHAD:
Who are you who dares to halt the knights of king Arthur's round table
in mid-verse?

SECOND ADVISER:
I bring greetings from the court of king Brian.

SIR LANCELOT:
King Brian the wild?

SECOND ADVISER:
Some call him that, but he's calmed down allot recently.

SIR GALAHAD:
Are those YOUR kidneys?

SECOND ADVISER:
(covering his stomach)
No no... It's nothing - just a flesh wound.
(The KNIGHTS look at each other)
he has herd your beautiful melody; and wishes you to come to his court,
that he may listen at his ease ooh!

SIR LANCELOT:
You must be joking!
(general murmur or agreement from the other KNIGHTS.)
Go to the court of king Brian the wild and sing close harmony!

OTHER KNIGHTS:
No fear etc.

SECOND ADVISER:
(in increasing pain)
It need not be close harmony oooh agh!

SIR GALAHAD:
Ah but it would get round to close harmony, wouldn't it?

SECOND ADVISER:

Page 90/124
 Not necessarily ... As I say king Brian is much more relaxed than
he used to be.

SIR GALAHAD:
I mean could we just stick to one line of plainsong with a bit of
straight choral work?

SECOND ADVISER:
Well obviously he'd prefer a bit of close harmony arghhh!

KNIGHTS:
Ah! There you are!

SIR LAUNCELOT:
We'd end un-like the Shalott Choral Society.

SECOND ADVISER:
Oh that was an accident - honestly he's so calm now oh!

ARTHUR:
No we must be on our way.
They start off.

SECOND ADVISER:
(by now lying on the ground at his last gasp but still trying to
sound threatening)
If you don't come and sing for him ... ah ... he'll drive ... oh
... iron spikes though your heads.

KNIGHTS:
Ah! That sounds more like Brian the wild!

SECOND ADVISER:
(looking helplessly at his intestines)
He ... he ... still gets irritable occasionally.

SIR GALAHAD:
Like with close harmony groups.

SECOND ADVISER:
Ooh ... Look if you're scared ...

SIR LANCELOT:
We're not SCARED!

Page 91/124
SECOND ADVISER:
(With his last ounce of strength)
Very well! King Brian challenges your to sing before him in close
harmony!

ARTHUR:
A challenge?
The KNIGHTS look at each other rather taken aback but an idealistic glow
suffuses KING ARTHUR's eyes as he looks heaven-wards. The other KNIGHTS
look at him rather fearfully.

ARTHUR:
(majestacally)
It is a challenge. We cannot refuse.

SIR GALAHAD:
King Brian's a fucking looney.

SECOND ADVISER:
Great!
(dies)

SIR GALAHAD:
Are you all right?
CUT TO KING BRIAN the wild on his dias. he sees the KNIGHTS enter
the arena.

KING BRIAN:
Ah good!
CUT TO TRUMPETERS who executes a rather bad fanfare full of missed
notes. meanwhile various SHOTS of preparation.
KING BRIAN settling down.
KNIGHTS being led up to the podium. the last of the previous close
harmony
group is being loaded onto a cart and pushed away by the cart driver
from scene tow (Perhaps we see him being paid off)
SHOT of KING BRIAN on his podium and the HERALD being untied and having
his gag removed.
SHOT of ARTHUR and KNIGHTS getting into a group on the podium still
rather nervous.
The fanfare comes to an end, and several wrong notes.

KING BRIAN:

Page 92/124
 (who can't wait)
RIGHT! Carry on gentleman.

HERALD:
KING BRIAN SAYS CARRY ON!

ARTHUR:
(wispering)
All right ... two tenor lines - I'll take the base.
They all nod.
One... Two... Three...
Sound of Bows being drown very near by.
ARTHUR looks up and frowns.
CUT to reveal a line of twenty ARCHERS they all have their left leg
missing, but they DO have two arms.
Their arrows are drawn back and point directly at ARTHUR & CO.

ARTHUR:
Hold it! Err ... King Brian!

HERALD:
(Louder than ever)
ARTHUR OF CAMELOT ADDRESSES THEE OH MIGHTY KING BRIAN!

KING BRIAN:
(trueulently)
What?

ARTHUR:
What are THEY For?
(Indicates the archers)

KING BRIAN:
Them? they're... just to show you where the audience would be.

ARTHUR:
Well we'd prefer to do it without an audience.

KING BRIAN:
Oh you've GOT to have an AUDIENCE!

HERALD:
KING BRIAN THE WISE AND GOOD RULER OF THIS LAND SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO
HAVE AN AUDIENCE!

Page 93/124
ARTHUR:
We'd rather give a private recital.

HERALD:
THEY SAY THEY'D RATHER GIVE A PRIVATE RECITAL! O WISE GOOD AND JUST
KING BRIAN AND NOT THE LEAST BIT WILD!

KING BRIAN:
(to himself)
Turds...
HE nods to the ARCHERS who turn and hop smartly off in step.
ONE-LEGGED RSM
Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left
Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left.
They hop round behind a long fence and disappear from sight
(Fence needs to be about 7 or 9 feet high)

KING BRIAN:
Right! Ready when you are.

HERALD:
KING BRIAN IS READY!

ARTHUR:
And ... One ... Two ... Three ... Four ...
They are just about to sing when the ARCHERS, bows read and arrows
points,
peep over the top of the fence.
HOLD IT!

SIR GAWAIN:
(singing)
We're
Quick flash of ARCHERS sensed to fire, one tires to hold his shot back
but
fails and fires his arrows by accident in the air.
Quick flash of FIRST ADVISER who is hanging by his nostrils from the
highest tree in the kingdom, moaning, getting hit by the arrow.

KING BRIAN:
What is it now?

ARTHUR:

Page 94/124
 We're not entirely happy with the acoustics.

HERALD:
THEY'RE NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY WITH...

KING BRIAN:
(impatiently)
Oh Sod the acoustics! Get on with the singing!

HERALD:
KING BRIAN SAYS SOD THE ACOUSTICS!

ARTHUR:
In that case we shall just have to perform elsewhere.
(turns to his knights and begins to usher them off)

HERALD:
THEY SAY IN THAT CASE THEY SHALL HAVE TO PERFORM ELSEWHERE, O RICH,
FAMOUS AND EXTREMELY CALM KING!

KING BRIAN:
(getting very angry and dribbling slightly)
NO! you've GOT to sing on the target are - er - convert ... er ...
thing ...

HERALD:
KING BRIAN HAS STUMBLED OVER HIS WORDS! WHAT A WONDERFULLY HUMAN
INCIDENT.

KING BRIAN:
Don't editorialize!

HERALD:
SORRY, KING.

KING BRIAN:
Come on you bastards! Sing close harmony!
KING BRIAN snaps his finders and the ARCHERS rise above the fence
without
any pretence it concealment - fitting arrows into their bows.

HERALD:
KING BRIAN CALLS THEM BASTARDS AND DEMANDS TO HEAD CLOSE HARMONY!
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

Page 95/124
KING BRIAN:
I said don't.

HERALD:
Sorry, King.

KING BRIAN:
Right! On the count of three ... one ...

HERALD:
THE KING'S SAID ONE!

KING BRIAN:
Two!

HERALD:
THE KING'S SAID TWO! THEY'VE ONLY GOT ONE LEFT!
We hear the sound of bows being drawn back. Tension mounts. the
KNIGHTS
all look pretty grim. The end is clearly pretty near.

KING BRIAN:
(face in a paroxysm of blood-lust)
Three!

HERALD:
THREE!
Sound in the distance of beautiful close harmony singing
"Bravely, good sir robin was not at all afraid..."
CUT TO see SIR ROBIN and his MINSTRELS approaching from round a corner
of the castle. SIR ROBIN walks a few feet in from of the them looking
rather embarrassed.

KING BRIAN:
(turning to the sound)
FANTASTIC!
CUT BACK TO ROBIN'S MINSTRELS
"To have his eyeballs skewered and his kidneys ... argh!"
They are suddenly pin-cushioned with arrows.

KING BRIAN:
HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!
Oh bloody marvellous!

Page 96/124
 ROBIN turns and looks at the decimated remains of his MINSTRELS,
surprised
but relieved.

ARTHUR:
Sir Robin! this way!
ARTHUR leads is MEN off the platform and they are joined by their PAGES
and
make good their escape.

KING BRIAN:
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!

HERALD:
KING BRIAN'S SHOT THE WRONG GROUP!

KING BRIAN:
Shut up!
HE swings his sword and slices the HERALD'S head off.
HERALD'S HEAD
(as it rolls away)
PRESS FREEDOM INFRINGED!
28 EXTERIOR - BEYOND FOREST - DAY - ANIMATION
Shots of ARTHUR etc. Riding out of the forest. They leave the forest and
they meet LAUNCELOT and GALAHAD.

VOICE OVER:
And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to
find the Enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four.
Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
rejoicing.
29 EXTERIOR - ANOTHER LANDSCAPE - DAY - ANIMATION

VOICE OVER:
In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's
minstrels ... And there was much rejoicing ... A year passed ...
MONTAGE of shots of the KNIGHTS.
Autumn changed into Winter ... Winter changed into Spring ... Spring
changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and
went straight on into Summer ... Until one day ...
30 EXTERIOR - WASTES - DAY
The KNIGHTS are riding along the top of a ridge. The country is wild and
inhospitable. Suddenly some of them see fire in the distance and ride
towards it. As they approach they see an impressive WIZARD figure striding

Page 97/124
around conjuring up fire from the ground and causing various bushes and
branches to burst into flame.

ARTHUR:
What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint
or tinder?

TIM:
I am an enchanter.
ARTHUR looks at BEDEVERE.

ARTHUR:
By what name are you known?

TIM:
There are some who call me Tim?

ARTHUR:
Greetings Tim the Enchanter!

TIM:
Greetings King Arthur.

ARTHUR:
You know my name?

TIM:
I do.
(does another fire trick)
You seek the Holy Grail.

ARTHUR:
That is our quest. You know much that is hidden O Tim.

TIM:
(does another fire trick)
Quite.
Ripple of applause from the KNIGHTS.

ARTHUR:
Yes we seek the Holy Grail.
(clears throat very quietly)
Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.
ONE OR TWO KNIGHTS

Page 98/124
Yes it is.

ARTHUR:
And so we're looking for it.

KNIGHTS:
Yes, we are.

BEDEVERE:
We have been for some time.

KNIGHTS:
Yes.

ROBIN:
Months.

ARTHUR:
Yes ... and obviously any help we get is ... is very ... helpful.

GALAHAD:
Do you know where it ...
TIM does another fire trick.
ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
Sssssh!

ARTHUR:
Fine ... well er ... we mustn't take up anymore of your time ...
I don't suppose ... sorry to sort of keep on about it ... you
haven't by any chance ... aaah ... any idea where one might
find ... a ... aaa ...

TIM:
What?

ARTHUR:
A G...g...g...

TIM:
A Grail?
They all jump slightly and look about apprehensively.

ARTHUR:
Er ... yes ... I think so.

Page 99/124
ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
Yes.

TIM:
Yes.

KNIGHTS:
Fine.

ROBIN:
Splendid!

OTHERS:
Yes, marvellous.
TIM looks thoughtful and they all stand around a little. Then TIM produces
another fire trick producing several different colours.

ARTHUR:
Look, you're a busy man ...

TIM:
Yes, I can help you with your guest.
Slight pause.
ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
Thank you. Yes, thank you very much.

TIM:
To the north there lies a cave, the cave of Caerbannog,
wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock,
the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged ...
There is a thunderclap and a wind starts. They KNIGHTS get nervous.

TIM:
... make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

ARTHUR:
How shall we find this cave, O Tim?

TIM:
Follow!
The KNIGHTS register delight and wheel round on themselves.
But follow only if you are men of valour. For the entrance
to this cave is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul
and cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived.

Page 100/124
Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair ...
therefore sweet knights if you may doubt your strength or courage
come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty pointy teeth.

ARTHUR:
What an eccentric performance!
31 EXTERIOR - DAY
CUT TO impressive rock face with caves in it. The KNIGHTS are 'riding'
towards it. A foreboding atmosphere supervenes. TIM gives a signal for
quietness. ARTHUR shushes the 'horses'.

ARTHUR:
Shhh!
The PAGES decrease the amount of noise they are making with the coconuts
for a few seconds. Then there is a burst of noise from them including
whinnying.

BEDEVERE:
(to ARTHUR)
They're nervous, sire.

ARTHUR:
Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.
TIM takes a strange look at them. They walk on leaving the PAGES behind.
After a few more strides TIM halts them with a sign.

TIM:
Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!
CUT TO shot of cave. Bones littered around. The KNIGHTS get the wind
up partially. A little dry ice, glowing green can be seen at the
entrance. Suddenly we become aware of total silence. Any noises the
KNIGHTS make sound very exaggerated. They unsheathe their swords.

ARTHUR:
Keep me covered.
Stir among KNIGHTS.

BEDEVERE:
What with?

ARTHUR:
Just keep me covered.

TIM:

Page 101/124
Too late.

ARTHUR:
What?

TIM:
There he is!
They all turn,, and see a large white RABBIT lollop a few yards out of the
cave. Accompanied by terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise.

ARTHUR:
Where?

TIM:
There.

ARTHUR:
Behind the rabbit?

TIM:
It is the rabbit.

ARTHUR:
... You silly sod.

TIM:
What?

ARTHUR:
You got us all worked up.

BEDEVERE:
You cretin!

TIM:
That is not an ordinary rabbit ... 'tis the most foul cruel
and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on.

ROBIN:
You tit. I soiled my armour I was so scared!

TIM:
That rabbit's got a vicious streak. It's a killer!

Page 102/124
GALAHAD:
Oh, fuck off.
Get stuffed.

TIM:
He'll do you up a treat mate!

GALAHAD:
Oh yeah?

ROBIN:
You turd!
Mangy scots git!

TIM:
Look. I'm warning you.

ROBIN:
What's he do? Nibble your bum?

TIM:
Well, It's got huge ... very sharp ... it can jump a...
look at the bones.

ARTHUR:
Go on, Bors, chop its head off.

BORS:
Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming up.

TIM:
Look!
As TIM points they all spin round to see the RABBIT leap at BORS'
throat with an appalling scream. From a distance of about twenty feet
there is a tin opening noise, a cry from BORS. A quick CLOSE-UP
of a savage RABBIT biting through tin and BORS' head flies off. The
RABBIT leaps back to the mouth of the cave and sits there looking
in the KNIGHTS' direction and growling menacingly.

ARTHUR:
Je...sus Christ!

TIM:
I warned you!

Page 103/124
ROBIN:
I done it again.

TIM:
Did I tell you? Did you listen to me? Oh no, no, you knew better
didn't you? No, it's just an ordinary rabbit isn't it. The names you
called me. Well, don't say I didn't tell you.

ARTHUR:
Oh, shut up.

TIM:
(quietly)
It's always the same ... if I've said it once.

ARTHUR:
Charge!
They all charge with swords drawn towards the RABBIT. A tremendous twenty
second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also on the
Kung Fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some four KNIGHTS are
comprehensively killed.
Run away! Run away!

ALL KNIGHTS:
(taking up cry)
Run away! Run away!
They run down from the cave and hide, regrouping behind some rocks. TIM,
some way away, is pointing at them and laughing derisively.

TIM:
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

ARTHUR:
Who did we lose?

LAUNCELOT:
Sir Gawain.

GALAHAD:
Ector.

ARTHUR:
And Bors. Five.

Page 104/124
GALAHAD:
Three, sir!

ARTHUR:
Three. Well, we'll not risk another frontal
assault. That rabbit's dynamite.

ROBIN:
Would it help to confuse him if we ran away more.

ARTHUR:
Shut up. Go and change your armour.
ROBIN leaves, walking strangely.

GALAHAD:
Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make
a mistake.

ARTHUR:
Like what?
GALAHAD cannot find a suitable answer to this.

GALAHAD:
Do we have any bows?

ARTHUR:
No.

LAUNCELOT:
We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

ROBIN:
The what?

ARTHUR:
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. 'Tis one of the sacred
relics Brother Maynard always carries with him.

ALL:
Yes. Of course.

ARTHUR:
(shouting)

Page 105/124
Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
Slight pause. Then from the area where the 'HORSES' are, a small group
of MONKS process forward towards the KNIGHTS, the leading MONK bearing
and ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying MONKS chanting and
waving incense. They reach the KNIGHTS. The hand grenade is suffused
with the holy glow.
ARTHUR takes it. Pause

ARTHUR:
How does it ... er ...

LAUNCELOT:
I know not.

ARTHUR:
Consult the Book of Armaments.

BROTHER MAYNARD:
Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One.

ANOTHER MONK:
(reading from bible)
And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying
"O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow
thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and
people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies
and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...

BROTHER MAYNARD:
Skip a bit brother ...

ANOTHER MONK:
... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou
take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more,
no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the
number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count,
neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number,
be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

ARTHUR:
Right.
He pulls Pin out. The MONK blesses the grenade as ...

Page 106/124
ARTHUR:
(quietly)
One, two
, three ...
, five ...

GALAHAD:
Three, sir!

ARTHUR:
Three.
ARTHUR throws the grenade at the RABBIT. There is an explosion and
cheering
from the KNIGHTS.

ALL KNIGHTS:
Praise be to the lord. Huzzah!
32 INTERIOR - CAVE - DAY
MIX THROUGH TO the KNIGHTS entering the cave. It is a large cave and as
they walk inside it we see in the darkness at the side of the cave
a fearsome looking CREATURE which watches them with some surprise
as they walk to some writing carved on the back of the cave wall.
The KNIGHTS are accompanied by BROTHER MAYNARD.

ARTHUR:
There! Look!

BEDEVERE:
What does it say?

GALAHAD:
What language is this?

BEDEVERE:
Brother Maynard, you are a scholar.

BROTHER MAYNARD:
It is Aramaic!

GALAHAD:
Of course. Joseph of Aramathea!

ALL:

Page 107/124
Of course.

ARTHUR:
What does it say?

BROTHER MAYNARD:
It reads ... "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
Aramathea."
Excitement.
"He who is valorous and pure of heart may find the Holy Grail
in the aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

ARTHUR:
What?

BROTHER MAYNARD:
"The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

BEDEVERE:
What's that?

BROTHER MAYNARD:
He must have died while carving it.

BEDEVERE:
Oh, come on.

BROTHER MAYNARD:
That's what it says.

ARTHUR:
(miming)
But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".
He'd just say it.

BROTHER MAYNARD:
It's down there carved in stone.

GALAHAD:
Perhaps he was dictating.

ARTHUR:
Shut up. Is that all it says?

Page 108/124
BROTHER MAYNARD:
That's all. "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

ARTHUR:
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

BEDEVERE:
Do you think he meant the Camargue?

GALAHAD:
Where's that?

BEDEVERE:
France, I think.

LAUNCELOT:
Isn't there a St. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh's in Cornwall?

ARTHUR:
No, that's Saint Ives.
A muffled roar is heard.

ROBIN:
Hey!

BEDEVERE:
No, that's in Herefordshire.

ROBIN:
(more urgently)
No ... HEY!!!

LAUNCELOT:
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... "

ROBIN:
No! "Hey"! is surprise and alarm!

BEDEVERE:
Oooooh!

LAUNCELOT:
No "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " at the back of the throat.

Page 109/124
BEDEVERE:
No! "Oooooh!" in surprise and alarm!
He indicated the entrance of the cave. They all turn and look. There in
the opening is a huge, unpleasant, fairly well drawn cartoon beast.

ARTHUR:
Oh!

GALAHAD:
My God!

LAUNCELOT:
What is it?

BEDEVERE:
I know! I know! I Know!

ARTHUR:
What?

BEDEVERE:
It's the ... oh ...
(snaps his fingers as he tries to remember)
it's the ... it's on the tip of my tongue ...
Another hideous roar.
That's it!

ARTHUR:
What?

BEDEVERE:
It's The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
At that moment there is a yell and a scream OUT OF VISION. ARTHUR turns.

ARTHUR:
Who was that?

HECTOR:
(from back of group; northern and helpful)
It was Sir Alf.

ARTHUR:
I didn't know we had a Sir Alf.

Page 110/124
HECTOR:
He was feeding it bread.

ARTHUR:
(shouting back)
Well, that was a very silly thing to do. Now the rest of you stand
well back from the BLACK BEAST of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

HECTOR:
Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

ROBIN:
Look out.
The animation MONSTER starts lumbering towards them. The KNIGHTS retreat
into the darkness of the cave.

GAWAIN:
(as they run)
It's only a cartoon.

ARTHUR:
Sh!
They run off. Darkness. The MONSTER lumbering through on animation.

VOICE OVER:
As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur
and his knights seemed hopeless, when, suddenly ... the animator
suffered a fatal heart attack.

ANIMATOR:
Aaaaagh!

VOICE OVER:
The cartoon peril was no more ... The Quest for Holy Grail
could continue.
ANIMATED SEQUENCE. Leads through to the group reappearing and seeing a
distant opening to the cave. They reach the opening. It is day.
33 EXTERIOR - DAY
The KNIGHTS emerge from the mouth of the cave to find themselves in a
breathtaking, barren landscape. Glencoe. They are half they way up
the side of a mountain. They rest a few seconds and get their breath
back.

GALAHAD:

Page 111/124
 Look!

GALAHAD:
There it is!

ARTHUR:
The Bridge of Death!

ROBIN:
(to himself)
Oh! Great ...
They look and see on the side of the mountain there is a sort of
milestone
which bears the words: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! 5 miles" and an arrow.

ARTHUR:
God be praised. This must be the gorge of which the old man spoke
in scene twenty-four.
The KNIGHTS set off along and rather perilous track edging along
the side of the mountain. GALAHAD is leading.
MIX THROUGH they are climbing higher. The path gets more and more
slippery and dangerous. They reach another milestone which says:
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! 4 miles" and an arrow, and "Ni! 82 miles" and
an arrow pointing in the opposite direction. They go on. It is
dangerous and difficult. Tension in their faces.
As they are climbing, BEDEVERE turns to ROBIN and ARTHUR.

BEDEVERE:
We must find the bridge ... the Bridge of Death ...

ROBIN:
(to himself)
Oh, great!

BEDEVERE:
The Bridge is guarded by a bridgekeeper, who asks each traveller
three questions. And he who answers the three questions can
cross in safety.

ROBIN:
(warily)
And if you get a question wrong?

BEDEVERE:

Page 112/124
 You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
34 EXTERIOR - DAY
CUT TO them struggling along. Perhaps downhill now. It is growing
misty.
SIR LAUNCELOT stops them and points. They peer.
CUT TO see in the mist ... a weird bridge with mist swirling up from the
gorge below. We cannot see the other side.
Beside the bridge an OLD MAN stands, he is the blind soothsayer they
met earlier in the forest.

ARTHUR:
(to BEDEVERE)
He's the Keeper of the Bridge. It's the old man.

BEDEVERE:
(swallowing hard)
Who's going to answer the questions?

ARTHUR:
You go, Robin, and God be with you.

ROBIN:
(looking round wildly)
Er ... I tell you what -
(lowering voice)
Why doesn't Launcelot go?

ARTHUR:
(considering a moment)
Very well ... Sir Launcelot. Brave Sir Launcelot. This is the Bridge
of Death ...

LAUNCELOT:
Oh, yes sir ... I will take it single-handed.
(drawing his sword)
I will ...
ARTHUR restrains him.

ARTHUR:
No, hang on. All we want is for you to approach the old man
and he will ask you three questions. Answer those question as
best you can, and we will watch ... and pray.

LAUNCELOT:

Page 113/124
 Yes, my liege ...

ARTHUR:
Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot! Be careful ...
They shake hands, Arthur's eyes moisten. LAUNCELOT approaches the
Bridge of Death.

ARTHUR:
Listen to the questions.

BEDEVERE:
Look! It's the old man from scene 24 - what's he Doing here?

ARTHUR:
He is the keeper of the Bridge. He asks each traveler five questions ...

GALAHAD:
Three questions.

ARTHUR:
Three questions ... he who answers the five questions

GALAHAD:
Three questions.

ARTHUR:
Three questions, may cross in safety.

ROBIN:
(warily)
And if you get a question wrong?

ARTHUR:
You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

ROBIN:
Oh ... wacho!

GALAHAD:
Who's going to answer the questions?

ARTHUR:
Sir Robin, Brave Sir Robin you go.

Page 114/124
ROBIN:
Hey! I've got a great idea!
Why doesn't Launcelot go?

LAUNCELOT:
Yes. Let me. I will take it single-handed ...
I will make feint to the north-east ...

ARTHUR:
No, hang on! Just answer the five questions ...

GALAHAD:
Three questions ...

ARTHUR:
Three questions ... And we shall watch ... and pray.

LAUNCELOT:
I understand, my liege.

ARTHUR:
Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot ... God be with you.
LAUNCELOT APPROACHES THE BRIDGEKEEPER.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
Stop!
SIR LAUNCELOT stops. The KNIGHTS watch anxiously. ARTHUR sniffs briefly
and glances momentarily down at SIR ROBIN's lower armour.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
Who approaches the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three!
Ere the other side he see.

LAUNCELOT:
Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
What is your name?

LAUNCELOT:
My name is Sir Launcelot.

Page 115/124
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What is your quest?

LAUNCELOT:
To find the Holy Grail.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
What is your favorite colour?

LAUNCELOT:
Blue.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
Right. Off you go.
SIR LAUNCELOT runs across into the mist. The bridge perhaps disappears
into the mist and we cannot see the other side. ARTHUR and SIR ROBIN
exchange glances. ROBIN breathes a great sigh of relief.

ROBIN:
That's easy!

BRIDGEKEEPER:
Stop!
Who approacheth the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three!
Ere the other side he see!

ROBIN:
Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
What is your name?

ROBIN:
My name is Sir Robin of Camelot!

BRIDGEKEEPER:
What is your quest?

ROBIN:
To seek the Grail!

BRIDGEKEEPER:

Page 116/124
What is the capital of Assyria?

ROBIN:
(indignantly)
I don't know that!
He is immediately hurled by some unseen force over the edge of the
precipice.

ROBIN:
Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
35 EXTERIOR - DAY
CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT who is only just arriving on the other side. He looks
back across the invisible chasm. Dimly in the distance he hears:
GAWAIN (OUT OF VISION)
Sir Gawain of Camelot!
BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV)
What is your quest?
GAWAIN (OOV)
To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV)

What goes:
GAWAIN (OOV)
Oh, er ... Babylon! er ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
SIR LAUNCELOT stands on the other side of the bridge. In the
distance we hear the ritual of questions and then a scream and thud,
suddenly a hand lands on LAUNCELOT's shoulder.
POLICEMAN (VOICE OVER)
Just want to ask you some questions, sir.
LAUNCELOT turns and reacts. He is led away.
36 EXTERIOR - LAKE - DAY
CUT TO ARTHUR, GALAHAD and BEDEVERE struggling towards the lake.

BEDEVERE:
(to ARTHUR)
How did you know how many wing-beats a swallow needs to
maintain velocity?

ARTHUR:
Oh ... when you're king you know all those things.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
What is your favorite colour?

Page 117/124
GAWAIN:
Blue ... No yelloooooww!
ARTHUR and BEDEVERE step forward.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
What is your name?

ARTHUR:
It is Arthur, King of the Britons.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
What is your quest?

ARTHUR:
To seek the Holy Grail.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

ARTHUR:
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

BRIDGEKEEPER:
Er ... I don't know that ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
BRIDGEKEEPER is cast into the gorge.

BEDEVERE:
How do you know so much about swollows?

ARTHUR:
Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
Suddenly they appear at water's edge. They look across the water. A huge
expanse disappearing into the mist. How can they cross?
Suddenly the air is filled with ethereal music, and out of the mist
appears a wonderful barge silently and slowly drifting towards them.
They gaze in wonder. The mysterious boat comes to where they are standing.
As if bewitched, they find themselves drawing closer
to the boat. As they are about to step in, a ragged figure looks
up at them.

BOATKEEPER:
(he is the same as the BRIDGEKEEPER and the SOOTHSAYER)
He who would cross the Sea if Fate
must answer me

Page 118/124
 these questions twenty-eight.
He fixes them with a baleful eye, ARTHUR and BEDEVERE exchange glances,
then turn, with minds made up, pick him up bodily and throw him in the
water. They climb into the boat and the boat moves off into the mist

FADE OUT:
37 ANIMATION
A wondrous journey in animation carries them across the lake.

MIX TO:
38 EXTERIOR - DAY
The boat carries them across a magical lake. They land and get out of
the boat, their faces suffused with heavenly radiance, and fall to their
knees.
Crescendo on music.

ARTHUR:
God be praised! The deaths of many find knights have this day
been avenged.
Music swells. They bend their heads in prayer, before the castle for
which they have searched for so long. Suddenly a voice comes from
the battlements.
Music cuts dead.

FROG:
Ha ha! Hello! Smelly English K...niggets ... and Monsieur Arthur
King, who has the brain of a duck, you know.
The KNIGHTS look up.

FROG:
We French persons outwit you a second time, perfidious English
mousedropping hoarders ... how you say: "Begorrah!"
ARTHUR stands and shouts.

ARTHUR:
How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command
you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, open the door to the
Sacred Castle, to which God himself has guided us!
(he turns to the KNIGHTS)
Come.
ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS advance towards the castle.

FROG:
How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you,

Page 119/124
sons of a window-dresser, so, you think you could out-clever us French
fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing
behaviour.
(blows a raspberry)
I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-coloured,
mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters.
By this time ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and GALAHAD have reached the door.
ARTHUR bangs on the door.

ARTHUR:
In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred
castle.
Jeering from the battlements.

FROG:
No chance, English bed-wetting types. We burst our pimples at you,
and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained
wipers of other people's bottoms!
French laughter

ARTHUR:
If you do not open these doors, we will take this castle by force ...
A bucket of slops land on ARTHUR. He tries to retain his dignity.

ARTHUR:
In the name of God ... and the glory of our ...
Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits ARTHUR.
... Right!
(to the KNIGHTS)
That settles it!
They turn and walk away. French jeering follows them.

FROG:
Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or
we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets
of your testicles already.

ARTHUR:
(to KNIGHTS)
Walk away. Just ignore them.
ARTHUR, BEDEVERE and GALAHAD walk off. A small hail of chickens,
watercress, badgers and mattresses follows them. But they are on their
dignity as they try to talk nonchalantly as they walk away into the trees.

Page 120/124
FROG:
And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think
you got a nasty time this taunting, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy
k...niggets, and A. King Esquire.
CUT BACK TO the drenched BRIDGEKEEPER/SOOTHSAYER beside the lake He
rises up into SHOT.

BRIDGEKEEPER:
He would cross the sea of fate,
Must answer me these questions
Twenty-eight.
CUT TO see he is talking to two PLAIN-CLOTHES POLICEMEN and two
CONSTABLES.

INSPECTOR:
All right, put him in the van.
THE BRIDGEKEEPER is led away and put into a police van.
CUT BACK TO ARTHUR still walking away. French taunts still audible in
the distance.

FRENCH:
You couldn't catch clap in a brothel, silly English K...niggets ...

ARTHUR:
(to BEDEVERE)
We shall attack at once.

BEDEVERE:
Yes, my liege.
(he turns)
Stand by for attack!!
CUT TO enormous army forming up. Trebuchets, rows of PIKEMEN, siege
towers, pennants flying, shouts of "Stand by for attack!" Traditional
army build-up shots. The shouts echo across the ranks of the army.
We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness.

ARTHUR:
Who are they?

BEDEVERE:
Oh, just some friends!
We end up back with ARTHUR. He seems satisfied that the ARMY is ready.
PANNING down the serried ranks, pikes ready, pennants flapping in the
wind. Some of the horses whinny nervously, and rattle their coconuts.

Page 121/124
ARTHUR is satisfied at last. He addresses the castle.

ARTHUR:
French persons! Today the blood of many valiant knights shall
bee avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight
until each one of you lies dead and the Grail returns to those
whom God has chosen.
ARTHUR lowers his visor, turns to have a last look at ARMY, then:
CHARGE!
The mighty ARMY charges. Thundering noise of feet. Clatter of coconuts.
Shouts etc.
The charge towards the castle.
Suddenly there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police cars roar
round in front of the charging ARMY and the POLICE leap out and stop
them. TWO POLICEMAN and the HISTORIAN'S WIFE. Black Marias skid up
behind them.
The ARMY halts.
HISTORIAN'S WIFE
They're the ones, I'm sure.
INSPECTOR END OF FILM
Grab 'em!
The POLICE grab ARTHUR and bundle him into the maria.
SIR BEDEVERE is led off with a blanket over his head. They are bundled
into the black maria and the van drives off.
The rest of the ARMY stand around looking at a loss.
INSPECTOR END OF FILM
(picks up megaphone)
All right! Clear off! Go on!
A few reaction shots of the ARMY not quite sure what to do.
INSPECTOR END OF FILM
Move along. There's nothing to see! Keep moving!
Suddenly he notices the cameras.
As the black maria drives away QUICK SHOT through window of all the
KNIGHTS huddled inside.
INSPECTOR END OF FILM
(to Camera)
All right, put that away sonny.
He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens.
The film runs out through the gate and the projector shines on the
screen.
There is a blank screen for some fifteen seconds.
Suddenly jazzy music. Animated titles. (A new film completely free
with the Monty Python film.)
"THE CREDITS"

Page 122/124
 Four of five minute film (mainly animated) about the credits, i.e it
includes the actual credits for the film but is really elaborate.

THE END:
Slushy organ music starts and the houselights in the cinema come on ...
organ music continues as the audience leave.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cast list:
GRAHAM CHAPMAN PLAYED:KING ARTHUR. HICCOUGHING GUARD,
THREE-HEADED KNIGHT
JOHN CLEESE PLAYED:SECOND SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,
LARGE MAN WITH DEAD BODY, BLACK KNIGHT,
MR NEWT (A VILLAGE BLACKSMITH INTERESTED IN
BURNING WITCHES), A QUITE EXTRAORDINARILY
RUDE FRENCHMAN, TIM THE WIZARD, SIR LAUNCELOT
TERRY GILLIAM PLAYED: PATSY (ARTHUR'S TRUSTY STEED), THE GREEN
KNIGHT SOOTHSAYER, BRIDGEKEEPER, SIR GAWAIN
(THE FIRST TO BE KILLED BY THE RABBIT)
ERIC IDLE PLAYED:THE DEAD COLLECTOR, MR BINT (A VILLAGE NE'ER-DO
-WELL VERY KEEN ON BURNING WITCHES), SIR ROBIN,
THE GUARD WHO DOESN'T HICOUGH BUT TRIES TO GET
THINGS STRAIGHT, CONCORDE (SIR LAUNCELOT'S
TRUSTY STEED), ROGER THE SHRUBBER (A SHRUBBER),

BROTHER MAYNARD:
NEIL INNES PLAYED:THE FIRST SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MONK, ROBIN'S LEAST
FAVORITE MINSTREL, THE PAGE CRUSHED BY A
RABBIT, THE OWNER OF A DUCK
TERRY JONES PLAYED:DENNIS'S MOTHER, SIR BEDEVERE, THREE-HEADED
KNIGHT, PRINCE HERBERT
MICHAEL PALIN PLAYED: 1ST SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,
DENNIS, MR DUCK (A VILLAGE CARPENTER WHO IS
ALMOST KEENER THAN ANYONE ELSE TO BURN
WITCHES), THREE-HEADED KNIGHT, SIR GALAHAD,
KING OF SWAMP CASTLE, BROTHER MAYNARD'S

ROOMATE:
CONNIE BOOTH PLAYED: THE WITCH
CAROL CLEVELAND PLAYED:ZOOT AND DINGO
BEE DUFFELL PLAYED:OLD CRONE TO WHOM KING ARTHUR SAID "NI!"
JOHN YOUNG PLAYED:THE DEAD BODY THAT CLAIMS IT ISN'T, AND THE
HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR AT ALL
RITA DAVIES PLAYED:THE HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR

Page 123/124
(HONESTLY)'S WIFE
SALLY KINGHORN PLAYED:EITHER WINSTON OR PIGLET
AVRIL STEWART PLAYED: EITHER PIGLET OR WINSTON
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
Registered Address: 20 Fitzroy Square, London W1P6BB
Registerd Number 1138069 England
August 5th, 1974.
Dear Mike,
The Censor's representative, Tony Kerpel, came along to Friday's
screening at Twinkenham and he gave up his opinion of the film's
probale certificate.
He thinks the film will be AA, but it would be possible, given
some dialogue cuts, to make the film an A rating, which would
increase the audience. (AA is 14 and over, and A is 5-14).
For an 'A' we would have to:
Lose as may shits as possible
Take Jesus Christ out, if possible
Loose "I fart in your general direction"
Lose "the oral sex"
Lose "oh, fuck off"
Lose "We make castanets out of your testicles"
I would like to get back to the Censor and agree to lose the
shits, take the odd Jesus Christ out and lose Oh fuck off, but
to retain 'fart in your general direction', 'castanets of your
testicles' and 'oral sex' and ask him for an 'A' rating on
that basis.
Please let me know as soon as possible your attitude to this.
Yours sincerely,
Mark Forstater.

Page 124/124