A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, Ive come to activate your phone lines." Mexican Smuggler Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "Whats in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them

onto the mans shoulders, and lets him cross the border .A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico."Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles." Farmer and the Cow A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was filled, the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt. As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain! Name That Animal, Kids Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job! Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard!" called out Eddie. All Lies in the Eye of the Beholder and In the Eye of the Beholder All is Lies. Tiff With Riley

''''My God! What happened to you?'''' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. ''''I got in a tiff with Riley.'''' ''''Riley? Hes just a wee fellow,'''' the barkeep said, surprised. ''''He must have had something in his hand.'''' ''''That he did,'''' Kelly said. ''''A shovel it was.'''' ''''Dear Lord. Didnt you have anything in your hand?'''' ''''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley''s left boob.'''' Kelly said. ''''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.'''' Tough Love A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: "No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!" Chastity Belt A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity

belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life." So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks. "You gave me the wrong key!" The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they're gone. The Wrinkled Nightgown A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!" My Father, The Whorehouse Piano Player A grade school teacher was asking students what

their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? Little Nancy's Pet Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat." The Local Strip Club Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.'' When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!'' Totally Bats Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?" The second bat replies "Follow me. I`ll show you." After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't." New Improved Lawnmowers

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass". The man replied, "I'm so poor I can't afford a thing to eat." So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house; it is so kind of you." The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."