Love, Attraction, Attachment

and Intimate Relationships STERNBERG’S TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE

WHAT IS LOVE? A. Passion:

 Difficult to define Is the motivational component that fuels
 special attitude with behavioral and romantic feelings, physical attraction, and
emotional components desire for sexual interaction.
 different things to different people Passion instills a deep desire to be united
 difficult to measure with the loved one.
 For how many is this true? In a sense passion is like an addiction,
because its capacity to provide intense
Our best and worst moments in life are tied to a love stimulation and pleasure can exert a
relationship. powerful craving in a person.

Rubin's "love scale" B. Intimacy:

3 components Is the emotional component of love that
Attachment is a person's desire encompasses the sense of being bonded
for the physical presence and with another person.
emotional support of the other It includes feelings of warmth, sharing,
person. and emotional closeness.
Caring is an individual's concern (Vulnerability): Intimacy also embraces a
for the other's well-being. willingness to help the other and an
Intimacy is the desire for close, openness to sharing private thoughts and
confidential communication with feelings with the beloved.
the other.
TYPES OF LOVE C. Commitment:
is the thinking or cognitive aspect of love.
1. PASSIONATE LOVE (INFATUATION) It refers to the conscious decision to love
Typically occurs early in a relationship. another and to maintain a relationship
A state of extreme absorption with and over time in spite of difficulties that may
desire for another. arise.
It is characterized by intense feelings of
tenderness, elation, anxiety, sexual Sternberg maintains that passion tends to
desire, and ecstasy. develop rapidly and intensely in the early stages
Generalized physiological arousal, strong of a love relationship and then declines as the
sexual desire (“Butterflies in the relationship progresses.
stomach”)
People often overlook faults and avoid In contrast, intimacy and commitment continue to
conflicts build gradually over time, although at different rates.
Short-lived  discover, often to their
dismay, that the only thing they ever Sternberg's triangular theory
really shared was passion. passion builds then fades
intimacy & commitment continue to build
2. COMPANIONATE LOVE variations in components yield different kinds
Less intense emotion than passionate love. of love
It is characterized by friendly affection and a deep intimacy alone = friendship
attachment that is based on extensive familiarity passion alone = infatuation
with the loved one. commitment alone = empty love
Often encompasses a tolerance for another's
shortcomings along with a desire to overcome WHAT IS INTIMACY?
difficulties and conflicts in a relationship. Reis & Shaver Definition of Intimacy
In short, understood: my partner sees me as I see myself
companionate love: enduring validated: my partner values what I am
passionate love: usually transitory. cared for: my partner likes me
Sex: associated with familiarity, security, sexual
trust  encourages experimentation. Difficult to measure.
Often experienced as richer, more meaningful,
and deeply satisfying.
Sometimes a relationship may begin with
companionate love (ie, friends) and then
transition in to passionate love.
  No simple explanation for why we fall in love with
one particular person instead of another. A
Activity # 2: number of factors are often important: proximity,
Choose 3 – 4 people in your life you are close to similarity, reciprocity, and physical attractiveness.
(these can be family, friends, lovers, significant
others, etc.) A. Proximity
Using Sternberg’s definition of:  Mere exposure effect
Passion  Familiarity breeds predictability 
Intimacy greater comfort
Commitment  Greater proximity often reflects shared
Write a P, I and/or C to categorize each of interests
the relationships. B. Similarity
Does Sternberg’s theory apply Y/N?  Same level of physical attractiveness
Comments or observations  Age, Educational Status and Religion
LEE’S STYLE OF LOVING:  Race and Ethnicity
Six different styles of loving:  Why?
1. Romantic love style (Eros):  share similar interests & activities
Look for mates who are good looking -  communicate better
emphasis on physical beauty  confirm own views & experiences
2. Game-playing love style (Ludus)  supportive of values & beliefs
“Players” – acquiring sexual conquests  Validation – mirror image of
Casual sex- “Booty Call” ourselves
3. Possessive love style (mania): C. Reciprocity
Dangerous – marked by jealousy, turmoil,  when someone shows they like us, we
obsessive love – DOMESTIC VIOLENCE tend to like them back
4. Companionate love style (Storge)  increases self-esteem
Long term relationships – stable,  increases likelihood of relationship
commitment, willingness to work on enduring
relationship – mutually satisfying.  Physical attractiveness
5. Altruistic love style (Agape)  "what's beautiful is good" belief
Selfless, patient, without expectation of  status by association
reciprocity  most important in early stages
6. Pragmatic love style (Pragma)  may be an indication of physical health
Rational, practical, business like,  heterosexual males place greater value
compatible interests
THE MYTH THAT LOVE
Falling in Love:Why and With Whom AND ANGER INCOMPATIBLE:
Activty # 3 : Write down the 5 most important
characteristics  Many people believe that if they love someone,
 you want in your ideal mate. this implies that they cannot get angry at them.
 One afternoon, according to an old Sufi tale,  When anger is withheld, it will always surface in
Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a café, other dysfunctional ways: jealousy, passive-
drinking tea, and talking about life and love. aggressiveness, etc
“How come you never got married, Nasruddin?”  However, Love NEVER involves threats, put-
asked his friend at one point. “Well,” said downs, verbal, physical, emotional and sexual
Nasruddin, “to tell you the truth, I spent my violence!!!!!
youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo, I  Those kinds of behaviors are dangerous and are
met a beautiful and intelligent woman, with eyes behaviors found in batterers and in domestic
like dark olives, but she was unkind. Then in violence cases.
Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful
and generous soul, but we had no interests in Authentic vs. Inauthentic Love
common. One woman after another would seem  Authentic Love:
just right, but there would always be something  Enhancing, empowering, affirming
missing. Then, one day I met her. She was  Inauthentic Love:
beautiful, intelligent, generous, and kind. We had  Crippling, stifling, paranoid, controlling
everything in common. In fact, she was perfect.” INAUTHENTIC LOVE
“Well,” said Nasruddin’s friend, “what happened?  Rigid unrealistic expectations
Why didn’t you marry her?” Nasruddin sipped his  Conditionally loving – “strings attached”
tea reflectively. “Well,” he replied, “it’s a sad  Dishonest
thing.  Threatened by other relationships/interests
 Possessive
 Seems she was looking for the perfect man.”  Utterly dependant – to fill void (I NEED YOU!!)
 “Love isn’t finding the right person, it’s being the  Lacks commitment.
right person.”  Guarded with feelings, thoughts – won’t allow
vulnerability
  Controlling, manipulative and punitive: wants to  Fear of rejection.
change the person  Lack of ability to appropriately self-disclose.
AUTHENTIC LOVE  Cynicism and sarcasm.
 Unconditional acceptance and love  Too demanding.
 Caring - not smothering, or possessive.  Pessimistic attitude.
 Respectful, responsive and encouraging:  External Locus of Control. (Victim Role)
 I can see you as a separate person
 I can encourage you to stand alone and to
be who you are SOLITUDE: is something that we often choose for
 I avoid treating you as an object ourselves.
 I will be there for you when you need me,
and give you your space as well.  In solitude, we make the time to be with
ourselves, to discover who we are, and to renew
 Delight in each other’s growth
 Letting go of fear : ourselves.
 Solitude can become an antidote to loneliness.
 Risk taking – vulnerable
 We are committed by choice  Many of us fail to experience solitude because we
allow our life to become more and more frantic
 I choose to be with you
 I want to be with you and complicated.
 We may fear that we will alienate others if we ask
 If you leave I will still be able to survive
for private time, so we alienate ourselves
instead!!
 Mutual trust
 You trust the person will not deliberately  Aloneness can become the source of your
strength and the foundation for the relatedness
hurt you or manipulate you
 Accepting imperfections: no need to change to others.
 Choosing time to be alone gives us the
 Willingness to work things out
 Encourages and supports other relationships opportunity to think, plan, imagine, and dream; it
allows us to listen to ourselves and to become
 Selfish
 I take care of “me” first sensitive to what we are experiencing.
 In solitude we can come to appreciate anew both
 I am complete and worthwhile on my
own our separateness from and our relatedness to the
important people and projects in our lives.
 Each is able to talk openly with the other about
the relationship
Activity # 4: When was the last time you did something
 Playful and fun
 The two persons are equal in the relationship alone (by choice) and truly enjoyed it?
Why haven’t you? What are you afraid of?
 Each person recognizes the need for solitude and
creates the time in which to be alone
Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
 They are able to cope with anger in the
relationship  Ingredients in lasting love relationship
 self-acceptance
What is the difference between LONELINESS and  appreciation of each other's qualities
 commitment
SOLITUDE?
 good communication, realistic
expectations and shared interests
LONELINESS: (Def.) A state of painful isolation, of feeling
cut off from others.  ability to face & deal with conflict
 Characteristics of high quality relationships
 Results from certain events in our life: the death
of a spouse, divorce, empty-nest syndrome, etc.  Supportive communication
 Companionship
 Loneliness is generally something that happens to
us, rather than something we choose to  Sexual expression and variety
 Seeing partner as best friend
experience; we can choose the attitude we take
toward it!  Maintaining frequent positive interaction
 If we allow ourselves to experience our
loneliness, even if it is painful, we may be Satisfying Sexual Relationships
Respect for choices (including declining “sex”)
surprised to find within ourselves the sources of
strength and creativity. Sexual Variety
communication is critical
 Loneliness may peak in adolescence:
 begin to differentiate from the family of be spontaneous
plan for intimate time
origin.
don't worry about frequency "standards"
What Causes Loneliness?
Causes of Loneliness: “It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.” ~Lawrence
(lonely people share these Durrell,
common characteristics)
 Lack of social skills
 Lack of interest in other people. “The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to
 Lack of empathy. themselves.  “~William Penn,
“Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a
microscope.  “~Josh Billings

Name: _________________________________________
Grade & Section:________________
Date:____________
P#:______
Teacher:_________________________________________
Subject:______________________________