Union Biblical Seminary
Pune, India
Presentation Topic:
Pastoral Theology of Understanding in Marriage
Presenter: Seikhochon Hangshing
Subject: Marriage and Family Counselling
Class: M.Th 1 (NT)
Faculty: Dr. Sunita Noronha
3rd August 2022
1
Contents
Introduction
1. Definition
2. Factors Causing Problems in Marriage
3. Theologians’ views on Understanding in Marriage
3.1. Gary Collins
3.2. Everett L. Worthington Jr.
3.3. Dhruv Tanwan
4. Implication of Pastoral Theology of Understanding in Marriage
5. Evaluation and Conclusion
Bibliography
Introduction
Marriage is the union of a man and woman who makes a permanent and undivided
commitment to each other. Marriage often starts with a huge celebration. The couples hope
and expect to have a happy life together in future, but it’s not often the way couples want or
expected. It is a combination of happiness and unhappiness within and without between the
two couple which is evident from what we see and heard and the testimony of some of the
married couples themselves. However, problems in marriage tend to get more weight than the
happy side as John Gray states, “No Marriage is free from problem; problem is universal.” 1In
fact, problems are inevitable in Marriage. As couples with different backgrounds,
expectations and interest with each other they experience disagreements and conflicts.
Therefore, as understanding between the two couple plays important role for a healthy
relationship in marriage; this paper aims to present the definition of marriage, problems,
views and then focus to some of the pastoral theology in relation to “understanding” in
marriage.
1
John Gray, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus (New York: Harper Collins, 2004), 28.
2
1. Definition of Marriage
Marriage is understood as a union of male and female, having religious and social sanctions
to share a common abode, beget and rear offspring, and fulfill the responsibilities of mutual
care, honor, and nurture.2 It is a union of domestic, social, spiritual and physical bond. It is a
fusion of two hearts- the union of two lives; the coming together of two tributaries, which
after being join in marriage, will flow in the same channel, in the same direction, carrying the
same burden of responsibility and obligations. 3
2. Factors Causing Problems in Marriage
Among many other factors, here is some of the possible factors that cause problems arising in
marriage life: lack of time for each other, child bearing and rearing, lack of spirituality, in -
laws interference, unsatisfactory sexual life, finance, unfulfilled expectations, lack of
communication, lack of fulfilling responsibilities.
3. Theologians’ views on Understanding in Marriage
3.1. Gary Collins, a licensed Psychologist with a PhD. in Clinical Psychology from
Purdue University states that, “it is the mutual effort to adjust, willingness to
compromise, the experience of learning conflict resolution all help couples to get
along well and also mold a loving and a smooth marriage.”4
3.2. Everett L. Worthington Jr., a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a professor of
Psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University states that, “misunderstandings
are interpreted as lack of valuing. People often assume that if one’s partner really
cared, then the partner would exert whatever effort is required to try to understand.” 5
3.3. An Indian author, Dhruv Tanwan states that, “it is an adoption between husband and
wife to the point where there is companionship, agreement on basic values of
affection, intimacy, and accommodation on certain other unidentified factors.”6
4. Implication of Pastoral Theology of Understanding in Marriage
2
Gideon Sobhanam, United to Adjust: A Sacrament Theology of Marriage for Marital Counseling
(Delhi: ISPCK, 2007), 14.
3
Peter Marshall, “Marriage,”, edited by Gordon Marshall (New York: Oxford Union, 1994), 306.
4
Gary Collins, Christian Counselling: A Comprehensive guide (Texas: World Books, 1980), 169.
5
Everett L. Worthington Jr., Hope – Focused Marriage Counseling: A Guide to Brief Therapy
(Illinois: IVP, 2005), 65.
6
Dhruv Tanwani, Marital Adjustment in Tribal and Non-Tribal Working Women (New Delhi: M. D,
1997), 23.
3
In Christian understanding, marriage is not just a social relationship but a solemn agreement
where husband and wife promise and take vows in the presence of God as a ‘covenant’
(Malachi 2:13-16) till the end of life. It is an honorable estate, instituted by God and a
structure of human relationships in creation. 7 The importance of Pastoral Theology is
inevitable in marriage as it includes the specific act of helping people in crisis using the
knowledge of theology, behavioral science, and counselling. 8 Knowing the fact that we are
needy people, we need God at the center of our lives. God created us with a fundamental
yearning for permanent, intimate and productive fellowship with him, and our natures reflect
this need. Created for love and eternal fellowship with God, we want to do something with
our lives, something lasting, something eternal, while on earth. God created us with his nature
stamped upon us that is “in his image”, we strive to fulfill healthy and productivity in our
relationships with other people as we do to God. Unfortunately, since the fall of Adam and
Eve, people have failed to live to the image of God within them. It is not through lack of
knowledge about what we should do but is through willful perversion of our God-Given
needs for permanence, intimacy and productivity that we fall short of what God intended for
us. We substitute immediate selfishness for permanence, we opt for cheap sexual
relationships and illicit romance rather than for fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy, and
we desire power and influence rather than productivity in marriage. These substitutions
constitute sin in our lives and lead to hurt, blame and estrangement from God and from
people especially to our spouse. Therefore, we need God’s forgiveness for willingly turning
our backs on his design for fruitful living, and we need the forgiveness of others especially
the others with whom we live closely for exercising our selfishness, lack of intimacy and
power at their expense. 9 The vertical and horizontal healthy relationships can thus impact
others and future generation.
5. Evaluation and Conclusion
Marriage is a constitution inaugurated by God between man and woman. However, the
possibility of making a happy and purposeful marriage depends not only from God but also
from the two married couple. Lots of problems and crisis between a couple in marriage
happens because of the lack of proper understanding of the definition and purpose which God
7
Margaret Sinker, Christian Marriage Begins (Nagpur: CHCNCC, 1953), 2.
8
J.W. Ewing, “Pastoral Counselor,” in Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling, ed. Rodney J.
Hunter (Bangalore: Theological Publications of India, 2014), 859.
9
Everett L. Worthington Jr., Hope – Focused Marriage Counseling: A Guide to Brief Therapy
(Illinois: IVP, 2005), 28.
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intended. The presenter suggests that a proper re-examination of the definition, re- evaluation
of the factors causing marital problems, and the understanding of God’s intended purpose in
marriage should be kept in mind. So that it would enhance a fruitful understanding between
the two couple in their marriage life thus bring glory to God.
Bibliography
Gray, John, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. New York: Harper Collins
Publisher, 2004.
Sobhanam, Gideon, United to Adjust: A Sacrament Theology of Marriage for Marital
Counseling. Delhi: Indian Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge, 2007.
Marshall Peter, Marriage. edited by Gordon Marshall. New York: Oxford Union Press, 1994.
Tanwani, Dhruv, Marital Adjustment in Tribal and Non-Tribal Working Women. New Delhi:
M. D Publication, 1997.
Collins, Gary, Christian Counselling: A Comprehensive guide. Texas: World Books
Publication, 1980.
Sinker Margaret, Christian Marriage Begins (Nagpur: Christian Home Committee National
Christian Council, 1953.
E.Oates, Wayne., The Christian Pastor. Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1964.
Ewing, J.W., “Pastoral Counselor,” in Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling, Edited
by Rodney J. Hunter. Bangalore: Theological Publications of India, 2014.
L. Worthington Jr. Everett. Hope – Focused Marriage Counseling: A Guide to Brief Therapy.
Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 2005.
