Share

Developing and Maintaining a Couple Identity

Sean Brotherson, North Dakota State University

James Marshall, University of Arkansas
David Schramm, University of Missouri
Ted G. Futris, University of Georgia

Introduction

A
What Share Looks Like powerful, yet simple, idea lies at the heart of couple relationships and marriage: the sum
� Scheduling meaningful of two standing together is greater than one standing alone. Whether it is called love or
time together friendship or “we-ness,” this idea of the power of two lives shared and bonded together
� Finding common as a couple encompasses the concept of Share. The dimension of Share embraces the
interests and activities idea that trust, friendship, and love shared by two people is at the heart of meaningful,
enduring couple relationships (Gottman, 1994; Harris, Skogrand, & Hatch, 2008).
� Creating couple
Unlike Care, which focuses on what the individual can do to better the relationship,
traditions and rituals
Share emphasizes what couples can do together to promote couple well-being. It takes
� Working towards the efforts of both partners to share with each other and to create a friendship. Share is
common goals about what a couple learns together, who they become together, and how they grow in
� Nurturing positive love together. In a society that highlights autonomy and glorifies individualism, couples
interactions face particular challenges in establishing the time and trust they need for an enduring
� Sending clear and friendship framed by love (Doherty, 2001; Szinovacz, 1996). A recent groundbreaking
positive messages book by Paul Amato and his colleagues, Alone Together, charts the transformation away
from strong, institutional marriages based on mutual commitment toward weaker,
� Turning toward
individualistic marriages centered on personal fulfillment (Amato, Booth, Johnson, &
partner’s bids for
Rogers, 2007). Amato and his colleagues argue that over time “self-development and
connection
personal fulfillment came to replace mutual satisfaction and successful team effort as
� Envisioning yourselves the basis of marriage” (2007, p. 16).
as a team The Share dimension of a couple relationship emphasizes that being a couple, at
its heart, is about sharing their lives and developing a close, enduring friendship. While
feelings of romance or passion may grow or
diminish at different times in a relationship,
friendship has the capacity to provide an
enduring and stable base for couples over time.
It is a process that engages both partners as
they explore how to share their lives and how
to be meaningful companions to each other.
Share comprises at least three critical elements
that foster the development and maintenance
of a close and positive friendship and identity
as a couple: (1) spending meaningful time
together that builds the relationship, (2)
fostering a shared sense of couple identity
(“we-ness”), and (3) nurturing continuing and
positive interactions with one’s partner.

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Spend Meaningful Time Together
Couples need to give quality attention and care to their
relationships each day, as they also keep busy with work or
other activities. Some authors have noted that when couples
fail to intentionally make time to be together, they naturally
drift apart, which they refer to as the “natural drift toward
isolation” (Rainey & Rainey, 2003). Time together has been
noted as a key issue in couple and marriage relationships
from early in their development (Brotherson & Moen, 2011;
Schramm, Marshall, Harris, & Lee, 2005). Important aspects
of meaningful time together include supporting each other
in common interests or activities, spending time together in
ways that build intimacy and trust, and engaging in couple
traditions that strengthen the relationship.

Engage in and Support Each Other in

Common Interests and Activities
1996). Time spent together that is enjoyable and interactive
If you are going to live with someone in a committed tends to build greater trust and intimacy in the relationship.
relationship, common sense suggests that you need to Examples of this practice might include daily conversations
do more than love them – you need to learn how to like over a morning cup of coffee or reserving one or two nights
them. Two practices that can aid couples in building a a week exclusively for couple time.
friendship and learning to enjoy each other are (1) engaging
in common activities together, and (2) supporting each Participate in Couple Traditions that
other’s interests and pursuits. Research on this topic is quite Strengthen the Relationship
interesting. First, research shows that couples who engage
regularly in activities like working on home projects or A couple tradition is an interaction with one’s spouse or
visiting friends also tend to be happier in their marriages partner that is repeated, coordinated, and meaningful
or relationships (Zuo, 1992). However, this does not always to both persons (Doherty, 2001). Couples benefit as they
mean doing activities together. Relationships also benefit establish and participate in couple traditions that add
when one partner supports the other in interests, such as meaning to their relationship (Fiese et al., 2002). Many
when a husband stays home with children so his spouse married couples seem to lose their closeness and friendship
can go shopping with a friend. Additionally, it is important through the logistics of everyday living. Some relationship
for couples to support each other and not simply do what and marriage educators encourage couples not to get lost
one partner likes to do (Crawford, Houts, Huston, & George, in day to day logistics, but rather to grow their marital or
2002). What is most important is not simply doing things couple friendship intentionally by establishing connection
together, but how they are done together. Being positive routines and rituals in everyday life (Doherty, 2001; Fincham
and supportive of each other (see Care), whether doing an & Beach, 2010; Goddard & Olsen, 2004).
activity together or just supporting a partner’s interests, are � Couple routines represent re-occurring activities
key ingredients to this aspect of building a friendship (Berg, or daily habits between two individuals. For
Trost, Schneider, & Allison, 2001). example, couples may make a point to kiss
each other hello and goodbye. By establishing
Spend Time Together that Builds Intimacy such routines, couples make sure they are
and Trust as Partners able to maintain a connection despite other
There is a difference between time spent “hanging out” commitments (e.g., being apart from each other
together and time that builds genuine trust and intimacy when working). These instances help remind
in a couple relationship. Couples must work to share not individuals that they are valued and appreciated,
only their affection, but their time, and do so in ways that and allow for greater intimacy, trust, and
add to the quality of the relationship. Research suggests connection between partners.
that married couples have higher relationship quality if � Couple rituals represent more formal ceremonies
they spend substantive amounts of time together and if or occasions that couples celebrate or engage
each spouse feels valued and appreciated during their time in on a regular basis. These rituals can be
together (Russell-Chapin, Chapin, & Sattler, 2001; Szinovacz, connected to past events in the relationship (e.g.,

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 anniversaries), each individual’s life (e.g., getting Foster a Shared Sense of Couple Identity
a raise at work or some other accomplishment),
While individuals maintain their identities in a healthy
or national or religious holidays. The observance
relationship, a strong couple relationship is also
of meaningful traditions is positively linked with
characterized by a sense of shared meaning and identity as
relationship satisfaction.
a couple (Shapiro, Gottman, & Carrere, 2000). This sense of
Several studies have shown couples’ observance of couple identity, or “we-ness,” allows couples to establish who
meaningful traditions, whether shared daily practices or they are together and what defines their couple relationship.
celebratory events and holidays, is positively linked with For example, couples with a shared sense of identity may
couple relationship satisfaction (Fiese & Tomcho, 2001; strongly value an emphasis on a healthy, active lifestyle
Szinovacz, 1996). Couple traditions can range from everyday or enjoy a daily tradition of watching a favorite television
interactions (e.g., chatting over breakfast in the morning program together. Couples who are able to move from “you
or taking an evening walk together) to annual events (e.g., and I” to a sense of “us” benefit from the shared unity this
celebrating an anniversary or birthday in a meaningful way). provides for their relationship (Honeycutt, 1999).
Importantly, both partners must make an intentional effort
(see Choose) to understand what activities and events bring Identify Shared Values and Goals to
meaning to each partner and the relationship (see Know) Direct the Relationship
and to schedule time to engage in those activities and
Establishing some common ground and loyalty is important
events together.
as couples learn to share not only their lives but a sense
For many couples, there are a number of “time robbers”
of identity that unites them. What will they be mutually
that get in the way of spending meaningful time together
committed to? Values or goals shared by a couple tend
and establishing traditions and rituals of connections. These
to have a binding effect and allow them to focus their
may include the demands of work, children, conflicting
relationship in a common direction (Helms-Erikson, 2001;
schedules, television, mobile devices and Internet, and even
Kaplan & Maddux, 2002). Goals that a couple might establish
personal hobbies. If regular couple time is not scheduled
and share include deciding to save together to purchase a
and made a priority, other things will inevitably consume
new home, or couples with children might talk about the
that special time.
particular values they want to pass on to their children.
Spouses or partners with large differences in their attitudes,
values, or goals may run into relationship difficulties because
they tend to think about the relationship and its future from
Why Share Matters to Parenting and different perspectives (Kurdek, 1993).
Child Well-Being
Engage Together in Common Purposes
ƒƒ Engaging in shared rituals and routines can
The common purposes that unite a couple aid them in
help children feel a sense of normalcy, even
forging the sense of couple identity and “we-ness” that can
during stressful times. For example, taking
provide lasting stability and satisfaction. The importance
time to celebrate a birthday or holiday can give
of common purposes is further referenced in the Connect
children a break from otherwise stressful times.
dimension, but here we suggest that common purposes
In addition, such celebrations can help foster the
help to establish the “common ground” a couple needs to
bond between parents and children and create
positive memories of their own.

ƒƒ When parents decide to introduce children to a

new partner, they can also help to foster a strong
bond between them by creating rituals within
that relationship that are special to the child(ren)
and partner.

ƒƒ Helping parents feel supported and fostering

open and positive communications can assist
co-parents in working together as a team to meet
their child’s needs.

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feel they are working together at something larger than
themselves. For example, research suggests the stabilizing
relationship value of shared religious commitments may Cultural Considerations
reflect this pattern of “common ground” between partners
(Call & Heaton, 1997). Also, research on the transition to ƒƒ Participating in couple-only activities may not
parenthood shows that couples who are united in their be highly valued in all cultures. For example,
commitment to become parents at a particular time have Skogrand, Hatch, and Singh (2009) found that
much more stable relationships than couples who cannot Latino couples with strong marriages preferred
agree on the common purpose of becoming parents to spend time with the entire family instead of
(Belsky & Kelly, 1994; Lawrence et al., 2008). A marriage spending time alone as a couple. In fact, the
or couple relationship allows partners to work together family relationships were considered more
to bring important aims and ideals to life. Couples in important than the couple relationships.
healthy marriages have goals and ideals that give their ƒƒ Friendship also assumes that the relationship
marriages purpose and meaning. A good marriage or couple between partners is equal. That is not true of
relationship can be built on the pursuit of any number of couple relationships in all cultures. For example,
worthy goals, such as: raising responsible children; being some couple relationships are not equal in
actively involved in the community, school, or church; caring power and often the man has more power than
for the environment; or developing shared talents and using the woman. When that is the case, then time
them in the service of others. together may be less about friendship, and more
about accomplishing tasks.
Protect the Relationship From Negative
Contributed by Dr. Linda Skogrand, Professor and
or Disruptive Influences
Extension Specialist, Utah State University
A healthy couple relationship is defined not only by what
couples do together, but also to a degree by the things
they limit in their relationship. This can include influences
both within and outside of the relationship. For example, Nurture Positive Interactions as Partners
couples can benefit as they promise to limit negative
influences within their relationship, such as using “divorce Couples who develop patterns of positive engagement
threats” on each other if relationship challenges occur. with each other over time benefit from more closeness,
Additionally, couples may also benefit as they define limits greater trust, and resiliency in times of relationship
on outside influences that might affect their relationship, difficulties (Karney & Bradbury, 2000). This aspect illustrates
such as efforts by in-laws to speak ill of a partner or spouse. the application of constructs previously discussed in
Couples who let others know they are loyal to each other other dimensions, such as Choose (e.g., demonstrating
and their relationship send a message their “we-ness” is commitment; focusing on strengths) and Care (e.g., taking
central in their lives and identity (Honeycutt, 1999). This is an a positive orientation). Both partners in a relationship
important message to share with extended family members, commit to establishing continual patterns of positive
as discord with in-laws can play a negative and powerful interactions and developing supportive exchanges of
role in marital stability over time (Bryant, Conger, & Meehan, affection and intimacy. Cycles of negative interaction can
2001). Spouses can show their loyalty to each other and in dramatically harm a couple relationship while couples who
front of others by keeping promises and confidences, not establish continuing patterns of positive interaction tend
speaking poorly of their partner, and keeping the intimate to be much more happy and stable in their relationships
details of their relationship to themselves. Other potentially (Canary, Stafford, & Semic, 2002; Gottman & Levenson, 1992).
disruptive influences might include infidelity, addiction, or Recommended practices focus on developing positive and
workaholism. Spouses and relationship partners seek to reciprocal exchanges of love with one’s partner.
know that their partner values the couple relationship as
a priority over such potential disruptions, and emphasize Talk With Each Other and Learn to Communicate in
that such commitment to a spouse is strongly related to Supportive Ways
their satisfaction in the relationship (Clements & Swensen, Good, supportive communication is often the lifeblood of
2000). This aspect of a relationship must be balanced to a meaningful and close relationship. Communication itself
avoid draining time away from the couple relationship. For is central to our interactions with others. Research has long
example, one must be careful not to become overly involved suggested that quality communication matters in marriage,
with a co-worker’s problems or limit time spent in individual particularly for women (Litzinger & Gordon, 2005; Thomas,
hobbies. 1990). Research also suggests that it is not how much talking

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occurs that strengthens a couple friendship, but rather he might ask to postpone communication about
if each person is satisfied with his/her own and his/her kids’ homework until after a meal and some brief
partner’s level of communication (Erickson, 1993; Rosenfeld down time. Also, communicating about feelings
& Bowen, 1991). Additionally, it is critical that a partner feels and moods can let each partner know how their
listened to and understood (Acitelli, Douvan, & Veroff, 1997). messages may be received. A spouse might say,
Real, genuine communication makes it possible for a partner “Hey, I just finished a really frustrating phone call
to feel cared for and listened to and assures them that their with my sister. I might listen better if you want to
thoughts and ideas have been clearly understood. discuss finances if we can wait for an hour or two
until I calm down a bit.”
� Non-verbal communication is as important as what
is said. Communication is the process or way we � Share helpful messages. Supportive communication
transfer information and feelings between each also includes being an active listener and only
other so that it is received and understood. A giving helpful messages and abstaining from
smile, a hug, a kind word, an angry stare, a wink unhelpful messages. An unhelpful message may
across the room, a warm tone – all of these actions include giving advice, sharing personal experiences,
combine with our words to either build up or shutting down the partner’s feelings, or correcting
tear down a relationship. It is important that each the person’s account. In contrast, helpful messages
partner is careful about how they communicate include acknowledging the partner’s feelings and
information and feelings to each other. Non- pain and inviting more discussion. Research with
verbal communication refers to messages sent couples indicates that social support is a powerful
and received through non-verbal means such as factor in helping spouses to deal with times of
gestures, touch, body posture, facial expressions, or distress and maintain marital satisfaction (Bradbury,
eye contact. Research with couples suggests that Fincham, & Beach, 2000). Helpful messages that
most information about a relationship “is contained convey empathy and support can include careful
in the nonverbal behavior that accompanies verbal listening, affirming a person’s feelings, showing
messages” and the success of spousal efforts to affection, and being responsive to requests for
negotiate issues in the relationship “depends on assistance (Bodenmann & Shantinath, 2004).
the spouses’ accuracy in decoding each other’s
nonverbal communication” (Koerner & Fitzpatrick,
2002, p. 35). In essence, spouses who are able
to accurately understand the message a partner
is communicating when using nonverbal skills
and also how a partner will perceive a message
tend to have higher levels of marital satisfaction
(Burleson & Denton, 1997). A spouse can increase
the effectiveness of communication by clearly
linking verbal and nonverbal messages, such as
saying “I love you” and also smiling at a partner and
squeezing his or her arm affectionately at the same
time.
� Filters can affect the way we communicate. Having
a bad day, feeling hungry or tired, or just being
frustrated can cause an individual to take any type
of communication the wrong way. In other words,
an individual’s current mental and emotional state
can create a negative filter, which distorts the way
we send or receive messages. A person’s positive
mood can also act as such a filter (Bradbury,
Fincham, & Beach, 2000). Each partner should be
careful how their mood affects how they send and
receive communication. For example, if a spouse
had a busy day at work and skipped lunch and
is both hungry and irritable upon arriving home,

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Cultivate and Express Appreciation for
Each Other in the Relationship
William James, the father of modern psychology, once stated
that “the deepest principle of human nature is the craving to
be appreciated” (James, 1900). In a couple’s friendship, trust
is established and maintained as partners feel respect and
appreciation. Research suggests two simple but powerful
ways to cultivate and express appreciation between partners
in a couple relationship: (1) look for and see positive qualities
in a companion, then express and remember them, and
(2) seek to maintain a positive view of one’s partner when
challenges occur. Psychologist John Gottman calls this
“nurturing the fondness and admiration system” couples
have for each other (2004, p. 61). How individuals think
about their partner can dramatically affect how they feel
about their partner – so think positive. These attitudes and
behaviors are reinforced in the dimensions of Choose and
Care. Importantly, and specific to the principle of Share,
expressing positive thoughts and feelings with each other
strengthens the couple friendship (Gottman, 2004). Examples
of this practice might include always acknowledging a gift
from a partner or discussing positive ways that each partner
enriches the relationship.

Develop Positive and Mutual Exchanges of Love and Affection

The formation of a trusting companionship rests largely upon a couple’s ability
to share positive exchanges of love and establish a high degree of mutual
trust with each other. While individual partners in the relationship have the
responsibility of fostering positivity (see Care), the partners together must
reciprocate positive exchanges. The balance between positive and negative
exchanges in couple relationships has been called the “magic ratio.” Research
suggests that it is the balance between positive moments of support or

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 affection and negative moments
of callousness in relationships
Working with Youth that highly predict a relationship’s
success. In stable marriages and
ƒƒ Adolescents can relationships, there tend to be
be helped to build four or five positive exchanges for
skills toward healthy every negative interaction, thus
sharing in romantic filling the relationship with positive
relationships feelings and energy (Gottman,
through what they 1994). Dr. John Gottman has noted,
learn in their family “Your marriage [or relationship]
relationships and needs much more positivity than
friendships. They also negativity to nourish your love.
can be taught and Without it, your relationship is in
shown that healthy danger of withering and dying
romantic relationships . . . positivity acts as a nutrient,
have at their core a nurturing the affection and joy that
friendship between are crucial if your love is to weather
the partners (Collins & the rough spots” (Gottman, 1994,
van Dulmen, 2006). p. 58). A spouse can take individual
ƒƒ Provide opportunities for youth to discover their values and interests. action to generate positive
Having clarity about one’s values and interests increases the likelihood of interactions by intentionally doing
meeting and forming relationships with others who share similar values something positive for a partner,
and interests. Shared values and interests offer a strong foundation for a but also by being attentive to and
solid friendship. responding with support or love
when a partner reaches out in a
ƒƒ Focus on the development of interpersonal competence. Effective
small way for connection. This
sharing of one’s views and feelings are facilitated with interpersonal
behavior is commonly referred to
skills. Adolescents vary in their interpersonal competence (Paulk,
as making a “bid for connection”
Pittman, Kerpelman, & Adler-Baeder, 2011). Interpersonal competence is
(Gottman & DeClaire, 2001).
comprised of skills (e.g., listening, clear communication, effective conflict
Facilitating positive and mutual
management) that can be taught.
exchanges with a partner can range
ƒƒ Sometimes adolescents may feel uncomfortable sharing their feelings from verbal expressions of love to
with another person or they may lack the capacity to detect when they acts of service or acceptance of
are sharing too much about themselves too quickly. It is important to a habit that bothers you. Specific
teach adolescents about appropriate levels of self-disclosure. Based on examples of this may include
how well another person is known, and the trust that has been developed remembering to say “I love you”
in the relationship, the amount of self-disclosure in which the adolescent and briefly connecting with a
should engage varies (Derlega, Winstead, & Greene, 2008). partner before leaving the home
ƒƒ Encourage youth to choose friends and dating partners who facilitate or exchanging simple notes of
their feeling good about themselves. Sharing positive experiences appreciation once a week.
together, and supporting each other when challenges arise are how
relationships help sustain an individual’s emotional health. In contrast,
when friends and dating partners engage in actions that diminish one’s
self-esteem and capacity to cope, such relationships are detrimental to
the health of the individual.
ƒƒ Youth need opportunities to practice skills for building and maintaining
friendships. This is particularly important for youth who have problems
establishing and sustaining healthy close relationships.
Contributed by Dr. Jennifer Kerpelman, Professor and Extension Specialist,
Auburn University

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 Implications for Practice

ƒƒ Motivate couples to find

opportunities to spend
meaningful time together on a
daily basis through continued
courtship and shared couple
activities.
ƒƒ Have each partner list 10 activities or interests
that he or she finds most meaningful and
enjoyable. If couples need help, brainstorm with
them or provide them with a list of potential
activities, interests, and hobbies they can
participate in together. Ask partners to share
their lists with each other and encourage them to
support each other’s involvement in some of the
pursuits.
ƒƒ Foster a shared sense of couple identity by asking
couples to list and discuss routines and rituals
that give meaning to them as a couple and
Conclusion family.
Research shows that couples who establish loving
ƒƒ Facilitate opportunities for couples to engage in
interactions and work to maintain those efforts rather than
common purposes that are meaningful to them,
drifting into ambivalence do much better over time in their
such as service opportunities or expressions of
relationships (Huston, Coughlin, Houts, Smith, & George,
their lives together.
2001). Thus, it is what a couple shares – of themselves, with
each other, and together – that largely defines the quality ƒƒ Ask couples to define the boundaries for their
and value of their relationship as a couple. Indeed, a wealth relationship. What behaviors will they limit
of research studies demonstrate that a consistent effort by in their interactions with each other? What
both spouses over time to show affection, focus on positive are boundaries they feel would benefit their
interactions, and be open and supportive very strongly relationship and commitment to each other?
predicts both marital satisfaction and quality (Canary, ƒƒ Educate couples about healthy and constructive
Stafford, & Semic, 2002; Huston, Coughlin, Houts, Smith, & communication patterns versus unhealthy and
George, 2001; Shapiro, Gottman, & Carrere, 2000; Szinovacz, negative communication patterns. Help them
1996). A stable and lasting friendship is central to how understand the importance of sending clear (not
most couples define what kind of relationship they want mixed messages) through their verbal and non-
and why the relationship is valued. Friendship is not simply verbal communication. Have couples practice
about love for each other, but about liking and trusting each sharing helpful responses and using active
other (Sternberg & Barnes, 1988). Rather than living “alone listening skills.
together” (Amato et al., 2007), couples can share the richness
of a deep and loving relationship as they develop a close
friendship, nurture positive interactions with each other,
build a meaningful sense of couple identity, and spend
meaningful time in each other’s presence.

How to Cite: Brotherson, S., Marshall, J., Schramm, D., & Futris, T.G. (2013). Share:
Developing and Maintaining a Couple Identity. In T.G. Futris & F. Adler-Baeder (Eds), www.nermen.org
The National Extension Relationship and Marriage Education Model: Core Teaching
©2013 University of Georgia
Concepts for Relationship and Marriage Enrichment Programming (Publication No.
HDFS-E-157). Athens, GA: The University of Georgia Cooperative Extension. Available HDFS-E-157
at www.nermen.org/NERMEM.php.

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