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TSS Difficult Conversations

Difficult conversations are important for leaders to have in order to address conflicts, provide feedback, and discuss changes. They require preparation, establishing trust, and focusing on understanding different perspectives rather than blame. The conversation should involve sharing observations without judgments, exploring each person's feelings, and discussing how to move forward rather than dwelling on the past. By acknowledging contributions from multiple viewpoints, difficult conversations can lead to greater understanding between people.

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105 views

TSS Difficult Conversations

Difficult conversations are important for leaders to have in order to address conflicts, provide feedback, and discuss changes. They require preparation, establishing trust, and focusing on understanding different perspectives rather than blame. The conversation should involve sharing observations without judgments, exploring each person's feelings, and discussing how to move forward rather than dwelling on the past. By acknowledging contributions from multiple viewpoints, difficult conversations can lead to greater understanding between people.

Uploaded by

Lepus
Copyright
© Attribution Non-Commercial (BY-NC)
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Difficult conversations

Geir Kalstad
Telenor Satellite Services Psychologist & Partner
Conforte ans
International Leadership Program
2003 - 2004
Definition:
• A conversation where the leader
seeks to communicate a message,
or to focus on a theme that feels
uncomfortable for the leader and /
or the co-worker
Examples
• Feedback
– Not good enough work, bad behaviour,
alcohol
• Conversations focusing the relation
– Bad relation concerning leader and co-
worker?
• Conversations concerning change
– adjustment, relocation, dismissal
Why focus on this in
leadership?
• Many leaders underline this as a difficult part of
beeing a leader
• A lot of energy will get lost if there is an unsolved
conflict going on in the organisation
• People may question the leaders efficiency if the
leader is not capable to execute a difficult
conversation
Postponing the difficult
conversation
• Difficult conversations
have a ”use-by day”
• Some difficult
conversations have
broken the ”use-by
day” – The leader did
not execute the
conversation in time
Best before
11. 11. 03
The leadership-role and the person

• To analyse your
own role as a
leader can be
useful to get
some distance to
the situation
Look into new areas!
• The problem is not our actions – it
is our thinking!
• The conversation will reflect your
attitude towards human co-
operation!
Each difficult conversation
is really 3 conversations

1. The ”what happend”


conversation
2. The ”feelings” conversation
3. The ”identity” conversation
1. The ”what happend”
conversation
• Focus towards;
–Truth
–Intention
–Blame
The first mistake: The truth -
assumption
• We seldom question our assumption ” I am right
and you are wrong!”
• Difficult conversations is almost never about
getting the facts right! It is about different
perspectives, interpretations and values. It is not
about the truth, it is about what is important.
Different stories
• We all have different stories about the
situation because we interpret information in
our own special way.
• In difficult conversations, we usually
exchange conclusions, without sharing what
our information is and how we interpret this
information
The ladder of inference
Our conclusions

Our way of thinking

Our culture and values

Our observations
The 3-step rocket
– a way to climb down ”the
ladder of inference”
3. Invitation to dialog

2. Your observations / data

1. Your opinion
ASDF
The second mistake:
The ”intention – invention”
• We think we know the other persons intention,
without dooing so – and even worse; when we are
not quite sure we often deside that the intentions are
bad
• Intentions are invisible
• We usually invent other peoples intentions – without
asking them
• Sometimes people act from complex intentions –
sometimes without intentions or no intentions
concerning us – and sometimes the intentions are
good, but we still feel hurt
What is the focus in the
conversation?

Intention Action Consequence


The third mistake:
The Blaming
• Many difficult conversations have a lot of focus towards
who is to blame for what happend
• Blaming other people contribute to reactions of defence
• When competent and smart people do stupid things, the
smartest thing to do is to clearify what tributed to this and
how we can prevent this to happen again
• It is important to understand the difference between guilt
and contribution
Contribution is about
understanding
– and looks forward

• Good questions to find the contributions;


– How did we both contribute to this situation? –
what did we do or didn`t do, to make this
happend?
– When we have identified the contributions –
how can we change this?
2 tools to find contribution
• Reversed roles
– Ask yourself; ”What would the other person
say about my contribution?”
• The insight of the observer
– Take one step back and look at the problem
from distance– think of yourself as an
consultant – how can you describe what is
happening ?
We have to handle different
perspectives at the same time
- Express own experiences and opinions
- Search for the other persons experience
and opinion
- Acknowledge own and others experiences
Much

“John Wayne” Common


learning
Argue

Avoid Vague

Little Much
Explore
The ladder of ambition
LEVEL OF AMIBITION CHALLENGES

Gratitude and full


recovery

The message leads to Focus on solutions


real change Follow-up

The message is Stand firm on the subject


accepted and the and soft on the person.
motivation established Building relations
Get the recipient to
The message is acknowledge the problem, and
accepted to take responsibility for it

The message is Be clear, direct


understood and concrete
Manage the
The message is delivered
barricade to say it
Bang & Lindholm
Difficult conversations –
model of dialog
• Before the conversation
– Thorough preperations
– Consider thoroughly
• Entry
– Establish contact
• Announcement – be clear and concrete
– Get to the point
– Establish ”rules” for the conversation
– Describe what you know
– Describe possible consequenses if the problem continues
• Exchange
– Describe your feelings and reactions concerning the things you know
– Get the other person to describe their interpretation of the situation
– Ask as many questions as you need to understand the situation from
the other persons perspective
– Discuss possible solutions
• Exit
– Summing up

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