MODULE 9: Personal Relationships

Big Question: How does knowing more about attraction, love, and commitment help you
become more responsible in a relationship?

Objectives:
At the end of this module, you will be able to:
1. discuss an understanding of teen-age relationships, including the acceptable and unacceptable
expressions of attractions,
2. express your ways of showing attraction, love, and commitment; and
3. identify ways to become responsible in a relationship.

Reading: WHAT DO WE MEAN BY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS?

The concept of relationship is very broad and complex. In our model, personal relationships refer to close
connections between people, formed by emotional bonds and interactions. These bonds often grow from
and are strengthened by mutual experiences.
Relationships are not static; they are continually evolving, and to fully enjoy and benefit from them we need
skills, information, inspiration, practice, and social support. In our model there are three kinds of personal
relationships:

Family
The concept of "family" is an essential component in any discussion of relationships, but this varies greatly
from person to person. The Bureau of the Census defines family as "two or more persons who are related
by birth, marriage, or adoption and who live together as one household." But many people have family they
don't live with or to whom they are not bonded by love, and the roles of family vary across cultures as well
as throughout your own lifetime. Some typical characteristics of a family are support, mutual trust, regular
interactions, shared beliefs and values, security, and a sense of community.
Although the concept of "family" is one of the oldest in human nature, its definition has evolved considerably
in the past three decades. Non-traditional family structures and roles can provide as much comfort and
support as traditional forms.

Friends
A friendship can be thought of as a close tie between two people that is often built upon mutual experiences,
shared interests, proximity, and emotional bonding. Friends are able to turn to each other in times of need.
Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler, social-network researchers and authors of the book Connected, find
that the average person has about six close ties—though some have more, and many have only one or
none.
Note that online friends don’t count toward close ties—research indicates that a large online network isn’t
nearly as powerful as having a few close, real-life friends.

Partnerships
Romantic partnerships, including marriage, are close relationships formed between two people that are built
upon affection, trust, intimacy, and romantic love. We usually experience this kind of relationship with only
one person at a time.

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 Reading: A RESEARCH STUDY ON RELATIONSHIPS
A sample of 1,110 adolescents assessed nine aspects of their relationships with their mother, their father,
their best same-sex friend, their most important sibling, and their most important teacher. These aspects
were admiration, affection, companionship, conflict, instrumental aid, intimacy, nurturance, reliable alliance,
and satisfaction with the relationship. Early adolescents (11 through 13 years of age) gave higher ratings
than did middle (14 through 16years of age) and late (17 through 19 years of age) adolescents for all
relationships on most attributes. Except for intimacy and nurturance, middle adolescents' ratings were higher
than those of late adolescents but only for some relationships. The observed trends are interpreted with
respect to several social, social cognitive, and cognitive changes taking place over the span of adolescence.
Source: Clark-Lempers, D., J.D. Lempers & C. Ho. (1991). Early, Middle, and Late Adolescents' Perceptions of Their
Relationships with Significant Others . Journal of Adolescent Research. 6-3, 296-315.

Reading: WHY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT

Healthy relationships are a vital component of health and wellbeing. There is
compelling evidence that strong relationships contribute to a long, healthy, and
happy life. Conversely, the health risks from being alone or isolated in one's
life are comparable to the risks associated with cigarette smoking, blood
pressure, and obesity.

Research shows that healthy relationships can help you:

• Live longer. A review of 148 studies found that people with strong social relationships are 50% less likely
to die prematurely. Similarly, Dan Buettner’s Blue Zones research calculates that committing to a life
partner can add 3 years to life expectancy (Researchers Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler have
found that men’s life expectancy benefits from marriage more than women’s do.)

• Deal with stress. The support offered by a caring friend can provide a buffer against the effects of stress.
In a study of over 100 people, researchers found that people who completed a stressful task experienced
a faster recovery when they were reminded of people with whom they had strong relationships. (Those
who were reminded of stressful relationships, on the other hand, experienced even more stress and higher
blood pressure.)

• Be healthier. According to research by psychologist Sheldon Cohen, college students who reported
having strong relationships were half as likely to catch a common cold when exposed to the virus. In
addition, 2012 international Gallup poll found that people who feel they have friends and family to count
on are generally more satisfied with their personal health than people who feel isolated. And hanging out
with healthy people increases your own likelihood of health—in their book Connected, Christakis and
Fowler show that non-obese people are more likely to have non-obese friends because healthy habits
spread through our social networks.

• Feel richer. A survey by the National Bureau of Economic Research of 5,000 people found that doubling
your group of friends has the same effect on your wellbeing as a 50% increase in income!

On the other hand, low social support is linked to a number of health consequences, such as:

• Depression. Loneliness has long been commonly associated with depression, and now research is
backing this correlation up: a 2012 study of breast cancer patients found that those with fewer satisfying
social connections experienced higher levels of depression, pain, and fatigue.

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 • Decreased immune function. The authors of the same study also found a correlation between loneliness
and immune system dysregulation, meaning that a lack of social connections can increase your chances
of becoming sick.

• Higher blood pressure. University of Chicago researchers who studied a group of 229 adults over five
years found that loneliness could predict higher blood pressure even years later, indicating that the effects
of isolation have longlasting consequences.

According to psychiatrists Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz, social alienation is an inevitable result of
contemporary society's preoccupation with materialism and frantic "busy-ness." Their decades of research
support the idea that a lack of relationships can cause multiple problems with physical, emotional, and
spiritual health. The research is clear and devastating: isolation is fatal.

Source: http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/relationships/whypersonal-relationships-are-
important

Reading: 25 MOST COMMON RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

Here is the list of the most common relationship problems most often encountered by couples

1. Affairs / infidelity / cheating. This includes emotional infidelity, one-night stands, internet
relationships (including ‘sexting’), long- and short-term affairs and financial infidelity

2. Sexual Issues, particularly loss of libido and including questions around your gender, or your
partner's gender

3. Significant differences in core values and beliefs

4. Life stages – you have ‘outgrown’ each other or have ‘changed’ significantly for whatever reason

5. Traumatic and/or Life-Changing Events

6. Responses to prolonged periods of Stress, such as Work-Related Stress, long-term illness,

mental health issues, Financial Problems, problems with the children, infertility and many more

7. Bored in or with Your Relationship

8. Dealing with a jealous partner

9. Having 'blended' family issues

10. Domestic violence, which includes verbal as well as physical abuse: THE most serious
relationship problem.

11. Knowing you should not have got married in the first place!

12. Lack of responsibility regarding finances, children, health and many other issues

13. Unrealistic Expectations- still thinking your partner / spouse is the princess / knight and not seeing
the 'real' human being
3

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 14. Addictions - substance abuse

15. Excessive reliance on social media, at the cost of the relationship

16. Lack of support during particularly difficult times from people that matter to you

17. Manipulation or over-involvement in your relationships with family or friends

18. Lack of communication about important matters

19. Poor division of and / or one-sided lack of responsibility for chores and tasks. It is not always women
who complain about this relationship problem!

20. Perceived lack of concern, care and consideration / attentiveness: feeling the relationship is
one-sided is a big one!

21. Significant personal disappointments and traumas that lead to a change in relationship dynamics

22. Long term depression or other mental health issues suffered by one partner or both

23. Significant differences in opinion on how to discipline / deal with the children

24. Long-term stress, particularly when not taking responsibility for doing something positive to address
the cause, or about learning to handle it if it cannot be changed

25. An unsupportive partner during pregnancy and/or significant problems after the birth of your baby.

We wouldn’t be surprised if you have found that you are experiencing several of these relationship problems,
but you know what? However difficult this time is for you we promise you that this too will pass. We are
rooting for you and we know that you will be happy again. You don’t have to wait and hope for better times
– together we can do something about it now!

The person you love (or used to love) was always bound to hurt you - it's sadly a fact of life and we all do it
to each other. However, we can become better at solving our relationship problems by taking responsibility
for ourselves.

Source: http://www.professional-counselling.com/common-relationship-problems.html

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 Activity 1 (Written Work): Reflections on Personal Relationships Write a reflection paper on
your relationships, why they are important, and how you intend to keep the good relationships strong
and healthy.

Activity: LETTER FROM MOM

Read the letter below.

Dear Shane,

P1. Right now you are upstairs in your room thinking that life is completely and totally unfair.

P2. The whole world is against you because there is not a single person in it that understands you. You
would say that you love your friends, but the truth is that you love them more on Facebook, Tweeter and
Instagram than you do in real life. In real life, you can only handle spending so much time with them before
they start to annoy you because, as I mentioned before, no one really understands who you are.

P3. Your room is a mess. The clothes that you beg for me to buy you are crumpled in a heap in the corner.
When asked to clean – when asked to do anything, really – you roll your eyes (not to my face, because you
are smart enough at this point to know that will set me off) because you have a thousand more important
things to do like watch Pangako Sa ‘Yo or check your phone.
P4. You are both obsessed with and terrified by boys.

P5. Some days you think you are pretty. Some days you are certain you are the ugliest person on earth.
You are sure you are being left out of something. Some party, some conversation, some sleepover is
happening and you were deliberately excluded because no one cares how you feel. You have every right in
the world to be moody because life is hard. Grade 11 is pointless. There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t been
able to get into the college they wanted to because they got poor grades in Grade 10. Mostly though, life is
just hard and complicated and difficult and confusing. Despite this, you are never given the credit you
deserve for always knowing what’s what. You know what is best for you and there is nothing more irritating
than someone else (like me) presuming that they know.

P6. I realize that when I raise these topics with you, you will not hear me. Despite all appearances, you are
not a small adult. You cannot reason like an adult and so it is impossible for you to understand that I am
trying to help you and guide you and not, ruin your life. This privilege I exert does not necessarily come from
biology, it comes from the fact that I have been exactly where you are and I have been navigating this life
for a lot longer than you. It is true that everyone has a story, and everyone’s story is unique, but loss, pain,
anger, confusion and sadness are universal. These feelings don’t separate you from the world, but rather
they bind you closer to it. Someone out there is feeling the exact same way you do right now, including me,
my dearest girl, and I am only a few feet away. There will never be and can never be another you, but you
are part of a magnificent community of humans. Humanity at times can be brutal and petty and mean-
spirited, but that’s never an excuse for you to be that way. You are so much more and so much better than
a bad day.

P7. I am not your friend. I don’t care what you think about me. I am not aiming for popularity in our house.
Most importantly, we are not equals. Think about it: how can we be equals if you depend on me for
everything? If you’re going to ask for extra money for whatever you want to buy, then you have to take my
rules. Some people call it parenting. Greedy me, I call it authority. When you don’t need me for things, only
advice and counsel, then we can explore a friendship.

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 P8. When I ask you to do something right now, I am trying to teach you something about success.
Procrastination is a dream killer. No one ever became a grand success by doing it later. You’re right, your
room is yours. I am less concerned with the state of it than I am of your mind. Ever see a happy person on
Hoarders? It sounds ridiculous to you, but a clean space makes it easier to be creative and productive. When
you let your room slide, you are likely to let everything else slide too, like homework.

P9. I am not a Tiger Mom. I am not interested in you getting straight A’s (though, of course, that would be
great), I am interested in you doing your absolute best. Sometimes you do your best and you fail, and you
need to learn to be okay with that, too. You must learn to be good AT school, so it will be easier for you to
be good AT college and AT work. Yes, of course, it’s pandering to a system, but everyone, regardless of
status has to work within a system, unless you’re becoming a hermit which let’s face it, is never going to
happen. When you become overly concerned with pleasing your friends and making them happy it takes
away from your focus, your job, which right now is school. The balance you learn to strike right now will carry
you through your entire life where friendships can be vital. But, you cannot rely on a great friendship to buy
you a house.

P10. I don’t tell you often enough how beautiful you are. Even though you are stunning, I do guess I do this
on purpose. Being beautiful should never be the most interesting thing about you. A girl who relies on her
looks is setting herself up to be a woman lost at sea as she gets older. We live in a world where beauty can
and will open many doors, but how you choose to open them and what you do inside becomes about
character. Character, moral aptitude, empathy, grace- these are the traits that will carry on your beauty far
after your looks are gone. You aren’t anywhere near understanding this right now, even though I am trying
to lead this change by example. When you look at me all you see is old, and mom.

P11. Unbelievably though, I was young (and not so long ago, I might add) once, and nothing you can say
will shock me. In point of fact, if I was to over share and talk about some of the things I’ve done, or still do
actually, on a pretty regular basis with your step dad, it is you that would be shocked. Don’t worry, I would
never, because like I said, we are not friends. I promise you this, though: as long as you tell me the truth,
you will never get into trouble, though I can’t promise I won’t be disappointed.

P12. Until you have children of your own, you won’t realize the depth in which I love you. I would do anything
for you and it is the great irony of life that the person I love most, I get treated the worst by. I am your greatest
cheerleader and your biggest fan. Sometimes you scream “Why do you hate me!” when I am doing my job
as a mother. You don’t understand that if I indeed hated you, or felt a far more heinous thing, indifference, I
simply wouldn’t bother. I would let you get on with it and shrug my shoulders and not say a word. When I
stand my ground and open myself up to your vitriol and disregard and general railroading, that, my dear, is
love.

P13. The most important thing for you to understand is though you may be convinced otherwise, whatever
happens in this crazy, upside down life, you will never, ever be alone. So maybe, just once in a while, will
you keep this in mind and be a little kinder to me.

Your ever loving,

Mom

After reading the letter, be ready to answer the following questions in class:
1. What kind of relationship does the letter describe?
2. Who are involved in the relationship? Describe each character.
3. What roles does each character play in the relationship?
4. Are you satisfied with this type of relationship? Explain your answer.

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 5. Do you agree that this type of relationship can be improved? Explain your answer.
6. In what ways can the characters show they are responsible to maintain a good relationship?

Reading: NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Connect with your family

One of the biggest challenges for families to stay connected is the busy pace of life. But Blue Zones research
states that the healthiest, longest-living people in the world all have something in common: they put their
families first. Family support can provide comfort, support, and even influence better health outcomes while
you are sick. Relationships and family author Mimi Doe recommends connecting with family by letting little
grievances go, spending time together, and expressing love and compassion to one another. Of course, the
same practices apply to close friends as well. This is especially important if you don’t have living family, or
have experienced difficult circumstances, such as abuse, that would make it difficult for you to connect with
your relatives.

Practice gratitude
Gratitude is one of the most accessible positive emotions, and its effects can strengthen friendships and
intimate relationships. One 2010 study found that expressing gratitude toward a partner can strengthen the
relationship, and this positive boost is felt by both parties—the one who expresses gratitude and the one
who receives it. Remembering to say “thank you” when a friend listens or your spouse brings you a cup of
coffee can set off an upward spiral of trust, closeness, and affection.

Learn to forgive
It’s normal for disagreements or betrayal to arise in relationships, but your choice about how to handle the
hurt can have a powerful effect on the healing process. Choosing to forgive can bring about a variety of
benefits, both physical and emotional. Fred Luskin, head of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, says it’s easier
to let go of the anger or hurt feelings associated with a circumstance if you remind yourself that much of
your distress is really coming from the thoughts and feelings you are having right now while remembering
the event—not the event itself. Don’t be afraid to clearly articulate why you are upset, but once the other
party has listened, be willing to lay down your anger and move on.

Be compassionate
Compassion is the willingness to be open to yourself and others, even in painful times, with a gentle,
nonjudgmental attitude. When you feel compassionate toward another person—whether a romantic partner,
friend, relative, or colleague— you open the gates for better communication and a stronger bond. This
doesn’t mean taking on the suffering of others, or absorbing their emotions. Rather, compassion is the
practice of recognizing when someone else is unhappy or whose needs aren’t being met and feeling
motivated to help them. We are an imitative species: when compassion is shown to us, we return it.

Accept others
It is also important to be accepting of the other person in the relationship. Obviously, this does not apply in
situations of abuse or unhealthy control, where you need foremost to protect yourself. But otherwise, try to
understand where the person is coming from rather than judge them. As you do for yourself, have a realistic
acceptance of the other's strengths and weaknesses and remember that change occurs over time.

Create rituals together

With busy schedules and the presence of online social media that offer the façade of real contact, it’s very
easy to drift from friends. In order to nurture the closeness and support of friendships, you have to make an
effort to connect. Gallup researcher Tom Rath has found that people who deliberately make time for
gatherings or trips enjoy stronger relationships and more positive energy. An easy way to do this is to create
7

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 a standing ritual that you can share and that doesn’t create more stress—talking on the telephone on
Fridays, for example, or sharing a walk during lunch breaks, are ways to keep in contact with the ones you
care about the most.

Spend the right amount of time together

Gallup researchers Jim Harter and Raksha Arora found that people who spend 6-7 hours per day
socializing (which could mean hanging out with friends, sharing meals with family, or even emailing a
colleague) tend to be the happiest. In contrast, those who have zero interactions (or an exhausting overload
of social time) feel more stressed. Knowing when to give your time to others and when to take some time
for yourself can be crucial in maintaining balanced, healthy relationships as well as emotional well being.

Source: http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/relationships/nurtureyour-relationships

Reading: TEN RULES FOR FINDING LOVE AND CREATING LONGLASTING AUTHENTIC
RELATIONSHIPS

1. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

Your relationship with yourself is the central template from which all others are formed. Loving
yourself is a prerequisite to creating a successful and authentic union with another.
2. PARTNERING IS A CHOICE MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR
IT TO THRIVE
The choice to be in a relationship is up to you. You have the ability to attract your beloved and cause
the relationship you desire to happen.
3. CREATING LOVE IS A PROCESS
Moving from “I” to “we” requires a shift in perspective and energy. Being an authentic couple is an
evolution.
4. RELATIONSHIPS PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW
Your relationship will serve as an unofficial “lifeshop” in which you will learn about yourself and how
you can grow on your personal path.
5. COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL
The open exchange of thoughts and feelings is the lifeblood of your relationship.
6. NEGOTIATION WILL BE REQUIRED
There will be times when you and your partner must work through impasses. If you do this
consciously and with respect, you will learn to create win-win outcomes.
7. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE CHALLENGED BY CHANGE
Life will present turns in the road. How you maneuver those twists and turns determines the success
of your relationship.
8. YOU MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO THRIVE
Treasure your beloved and your relationship will flourish.
9. RENEWAL IS THE KEY TO LONGEVITY
Happily ever after means the ability to keep the relationship fresh and vital.
10. YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS THE MOMENT YOU FALL IN LOVE
You know all these rules inherently. The challenge is to remember them when you fall under the
enchanting spell of love.
Source: http://angellovecards.com/assets/luminaries/drcherrieLOVEposter.pdf

1.
8

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 Reading: KEEPING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Good relationships are fun and make you feel good about yourself. The relationships that you make in your
youth years will be a special part of your life and will teach you some of the most important lessons about
who you are. Truly good relationships take time and energy to develop. All relationships should be based
on respect and honesty, and this is especially important when you decide to date someone.

In a healthy relationship, both partners:

• Are treated with kindness and respect

• Are honest with each other
• Like to spend time together
• Take an interest in things that are important to each other
• Respect one another’s emotional, physical and sexual limits
• Can speak honestly about their feelings

Love should never hurt

Dating relationships can be wonderful! But while it’s important that dating partners care for each other, it’s
just as important that you take care of yourself! About 10% of high school students say they have suffered
violence from someone they date. This includes physical abuse where someone causes physical pain or
injury to another person. This can involve hitting, slapping, or kicking.

Sexual abuse is also a type of violence, and involves any kind of unwanted sexual advance. It can include
everything from unwelcome sexual comments to kissing to intercourse. But abuse doesn’t always mean that
someone hits or hurts your body. Emotional abuse is anything that harms your self-esteem or causes
shame. This includes saying things that hurt your feelings, make you feel that you aren’t worthwhile, or trying
to control who you see or where you go.

Remember, you deserve healthy, happy relationships. Abuse of any type is never okay.

ABUSE AND ASSAULT

Love should never hurt. But sometimes it does:
• 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime
• 1.5 million women are sexually assaulted or otherwise physically abused by their partners each year.
• Over 800,000 males are sexually or physically abused by partners.
• Abuse can occur in any type of relationship--gay and straight, casual and long-term, young and old.
• About 10% of high school students say that have suffered violence from someone they date.

If you are – or have been – in a relationship where you were mistreated, it’s very easy to blame yourself.
The problem is with the abuser, though, not you. It’s not your fault! Anyone can be abused – boys and
girls, men and women, gay or straight, young and old – and anyone can become an abuser.

Break the Silence: Stop the Violence

It may shock you to know that one out of every eleven teens reports being hit or physically hurt by a boyfriend
or girlfriend in the past twelve months. But why is that, and how can we change it? In "Break The Silence:
Stop the Violence," parents talk with teens about developing healthy, respectful relationships before they
start dating.

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 HOW TO COMMUNICATE
Talking openly makes relationships more fun and satisfying; especially when you both talk about each other’s
needs for physical, emotional, mental and sexual health. You can’t expect a partner to know what you want
and need unless you tell them. The simple fact is that none of us are a mind reader--so it's important to be
open about your needs and expectations.

In a romantic relationship, it is important to communicate openly on issues of sex and sexual health. The
decision to enter into a sexual relationship is entirely up to you, and you always have the right to say "no" at
any time to anything that you don't feel comfortable with. Remember, there are many ways to express love
without sex. If you do decide to become sexually active, there are things about which you do need to
communicate.

Though talking about sex can feel a little scary, many people find that when they get up the nerve to talk
about sex, their partner really appreciates it. Most likely they've been trying to work up the nerve, too! Many
respect a partner even more once they've brought up the topic of sex. It is ok to be nervous--that lets you
know that what you are doing is both important to you and also exciting.

Remember though: it is a good idea to talk about any sexual subject before you get all hot and bothered,
but this is especially important for topics which require logical thinking skills, like safer sex expectations.
Most of us don't act rationally in the heat of the moment. Think about your boundaries ahead of time, and
discuss them with a partner when you are not currently in a sexual mood. If you are turned on, you are less
likely to make the decision to use a condom or another barrier if your partner has a different agenda. Having
the conversation before you are in a sexual situation makes it more likely you will be able to act according
to your own boundaries and preferences.

So what's to talk about?

• Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs): This is actually an issue that all teenagers and adults
must be aware of. Anybody who engages in sexual activity is prone to have this one.
• Possibility of Pregnancy: Females who engage in sex have a high percentage of putting
themselves in this kind of situation.
• Right time for sex: You can consider your current status as a student if it is really high time to be
involved in this kind of activity. Will this make or break your future?
• Boundaries: Making the decision to set your limits in a relationship shows your maturity to assert
your priorities and respecting yourself.

MAKING THE DECISION: DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO HAVE SEX The decision of whether or
not to have sex is up to you, and you alone. Therefore don’t be afraid to say "no" if that’s how you feel.

Having sex for the first time can be a huge emotional event. There are many questions and feelings that you
may want to sort out before you actually get "in the heat of the moment." Ask yourself:

• Am I really ready to have sex?

• How am I going to feel after I have sex?
• Am I doing this for the right reasons?
• How do I plan to protect myself/my partner from sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy?
• How am I going to feel about my partner afterwards?

10

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 The best way to prepare for the decision to have sex is to become comfortable with communicating about
your needs. If you don’t feel right about something, say so! Anyone who challenges your choices about
whether or not to have sex is not giving you the respect that you deserve. Pay attention to your feelings, and
don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for making decisions that are right for you.

There are countless nonsexual ways to show someone you love them. You can show a person you care for
them by spending time with them. Go to the movies. Or just hang out and talk. If you are with someone you
really like, then anything can be fun.

There are also ways to feel physically close without having sex. These include everything from kissing and
hugging to touching each other. Just remember that if you're not careful these activities can lead to sex. Plan
beforehand just how far you want to go, and stick to your limits. It can be difficult to say "No" and mean it
when things get hot and heavy.

TALKING TO YOUR PARENTS

You probably think that talking to your parents about sex is impossible. You're not alone; 83 percent of kids
your age are afraid to ask their parents about sex. Yet 51 percent of teens actually do. So... kids are not
only talking to their parents about sex, they're also benefiting from conversations they were afraid to have
in the first place! Lucky them, right? The truth is that most parents want to help their kids make smart
decisions about sex. They know it's vital for teens to have accurate information and sound advice to aid the
decision-making process.

If you think your parents are really nervous about raising the issue, you're probably right. Many parents think
that if they acknowledge their child as a sexual being, their son or daughter will think it's okay to go ahead
and have sex. They might also be afraid that if they don't have all the answers, they'll look foolish. Some
parents have said they're afraid kids will ask personal questions about their sex life, questions they won't
want to answer.

Think about all the adults in your life. Is there someone else's parent . . .a teacher or guidance counselor,
coach, aunt, uncle, neighbor or another adult you instinctively trust? That's the person who will give you
straight answers.

Your friends really don't know any more than you do, no matter what they say about their sexual experience.
The Internet, and other media, can't give you everything you need. Only people who know you can do that.
Peer pressure is always tough to deal with, especially when it comes to sex. Some teenagers decide to
have sexual relationships because their friends think sex is cool. Others feel pressured by the person they
are dating. Still others find it easier to give in and have sex than to try to explain why not. Some teenagers
get caught up in the romantic feelings and believe having sex is the best way they can prove their love.

But remember: Not every person your age is having sex. Even if sometimes it feels like everyone is
"doing it," it is important to realize that this is not true. People often talk about sex in a casual
manner, but this doesn't mean they are actually having sex.

Knowing how you feel about yourself is the first big step in handling peer pressure. It's OK to want to enjoy
your teen years and all the fun times that can be had. It's OK to respect yourself enough to say, "No, I'm not
ready to have sex."

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 How to avoid peer or date pressure

If you're worried about being pressured or you are currently experiencing it, know that you are not alone
and there is something you can do about it.

• Hang out with friends who also believe that it's OK to not be ready for sex yet.
• Go out with a group of friends rather than only your date.
• Introduce your friends to your parents.
• Invite your friends to your home.
• Stick up for your friends if they are being pressured to have sex.
• Think of what you would say in advance in case someone tries to pressure you.
• Always carry money for a telephone call or cab in case you feel uncomfortable.
• Be ready to call your mom, dad or a friend to pick you up if you need to leave a date.
• Never feel obligated to "pay someone back" with sex in return for a date or gift.
• Say "no" and mean "no" if that's how you feel.

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

In a survey of young people ages 15-24 by the Kaiser Family Foundation, 9 out of 10 people surveyed
reported that their peers use alcohol or illegal drugs before sex at least some of the time. Seven out
of 10 also reported that condoms are not always used when alcohol and drugs are involved. Twenty-nine
percent of those teens and young adults surveyed said that they've "done more" sexually while under the
influence of drugs or alcohol than they normally would have when sober.

The effects of drugs and alcohol can make it hard to think clearly, let alone make the best possible decisions
about sex. While you're under the influence of drugs or alcohol it is easy to make a decision you'll regret
later--decisions that can lead to a sexually transmitted infection or an unwanted pregnancy. Even worse,
there are some people who will use the effects of alcohol and other drugs to force you into having sex with
them.
Source: http://www.iwannaknow.org/teens/relationships/healthyrelationship.html

Reading: BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

• The right to emotional support

• The right to be heard by the other and to respond
• The right to have your own point of view, even if this differs from your partner's
• The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real
• The right to live free from accusation and blame
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
• The right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered
In addition to these basic relationships rights, consider how you can develop patience, honesty,
kindness, and respect.

Patience: Patience is essential to a healthy relationship. There are times when others will respond to us in
a way that is disappointing. When this occurs, it important to communicate our disappointment, but also to
give the other person space. Be willing to give the person some time to reflect, indicating that you are ready

12

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electronic or mechanical including photocopying – without written permission from the DepEd Central Office. First Edition, 2016.
 to talk when they are ready. If the person is never ready to discuss the situation, you may need professional
help to resolve the issue, or ask yourself whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

Honesty: Honesty is another essential quality in healthy relationships. To build honesty in a relationship,
you should communicate your feelings openly, and expect the other person to do the same. Over time, this
builds trust.

Kindness: Kindness is extremely important to maintaining healthy relationships. You need to be considerate
of others' feelings and other people need to be considerate of yours. Be kind when you communicate.
Kindness will nurture your relationships. Note that being kind does not necessarily mean being nice.

Respect: Respect is a cornerstone of all healthy relationships. If you don't have respect for another person,
it will have a negative impact on all of your interactions. Think of a time when you encountered someone
who didn't respect you. How did it feel? What are some ways that you show respect to others?
Source: http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/activities/basic-rights-relationship

Activity 2(Performance Task): Poster on Basic Rights in Relationships

On a piece of paper (bond paper), sketch, draw, or design a poster which shows one’s basic rights in a
relationship. Here’s a sample:

“There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some
who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.”
- Daphne Emmett

13

All rights reserved. No part of this material may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means -
electronic or mechanical including photocopying – without written permission from the DepEd Central Office. First Edition, 2016.