The Domestic Violence Sourcebook :

title:
Everything You Need to Know
author: Berry, Dawn Bradley.
publisher: NTC Contemporary
isbn10 | asin: 1565658736
print isbn13: 9781565658738
ebook isbn13: 9780071398053
language: English
Family violence, Family violence--United
States--Prevention, Victims of family
subject violence--Services for--United States,
Abused children--Psychology, Abused
women--Psychology.
publication date: 1998
lcc: HQ809.B47 1998eb
ddc: 362.82/92
subject: Family violence, Family violence--United
States--Prevention, Victims of family
violence--Services for--United States,
Abused children--Psychology, Abused
women--Psychology.
 Page i

The Domestic Violence Sourcebook

Everything You Need to Know
by
Dawn Bradley Berry

LOWELL HOUSE
LOS ANGELES
CONTEMPORARY BOOKS
CHICAGO
 Page ii
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Berry, Dawn Bradley.
The domestic violence sourcebook: everything you need to know/
by Dawn Bradley Berry.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 1-56565-873-6
1. Family violence. 2. Family violenceUnited StatesPrevention.
3. Victims of family violenceServices forUnited States. 4. Abused
childrenPsychology. 5. Abused womenPsychology. I. Title.
HQ809.B47 1995
362.82'92dc20 95-7548
CIP
Copyright © 1995, 1996, 1998 by RGA Publishing Group, Inc. All
rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or
transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or
mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by any
information storage or retrieval system, except as may be
expressly permitted by the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing by
the Publisher.
Requests for such permissions should be addressed to: Lowell
House 2020 Avenue of the Stars, Suite 300 Los Angeles, CA
90067
Lowell House books can be purchased at special discounts when
ordered in bulk for premiums and special sales. Contact
Department PL at the address above.
Published by Lowell House, Los Angeles Distributed by
Contemporary Books, Chicago Publisher: Jack Artenstein
Associate Publisher, Lowell House Adult: Bud Sperry Text design:
Laurie Young
Manufactured in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
 Page iii

For all the good people working to prevent and

put an end to the plague of domestic violence;
and in memory of Patricia White.
 Page iv
Also by Dawn Bradley Berry:
Equal Compensation for Women (Lowell House, 1994)
The Divorce Sourcebook (Lowell House, 1995)
The 50 Most Influential Women in American Law (Lowell House,
1996)
Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint
portions of the following:
"Five Minutes in Hell: Battered Woman Fights Back," by Sherri
Winston. Copyright 1994 by Sun-Sentinel, Fort Lauderdale,
Florida. Reprinted with permission. All rights reserved. Men Who
Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Dr. Susan
Forward and Joan Torres. Reprinted with permission of Bantam
Doubleday Dell © 1986. All rights reserved.
Family Violence: State-of-the-Art Court Programs by The
National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, © 1992.
Used by permission. All rights reserved.
"Remember the Children," by Rosemary L. Bray, Ms., vol. v, no.
w, September/October 1994. Copyright 1994 by Ms. Used by
permission. All rights reserved.
"To Many Teens, 'Guys Beating Girls Just Seems, Well, Normal,'"
by Bonnie Weston. Reprinted with permission of The Orange
County Register, © 1994.
Shattered Dreams by Charlotte Fedders and Laura Elliot, © 1987.
Published by Harpercollins Publishers. All rights Reserved.
"Battered Women Who Kill: The Law Still Denies Us a Fair
Hearing," by Brenda Aris, © 1994. All rights reserved. This article
originally published in Glamour.
 Page v

Table of Contents
Acknowledgments vi
Introduction vii
Chapter 1: What Is Domestic Violence? 1
Chapter 2: How Did We Get to This Point? The History of 19
Domestic Violence
Chapter 3: The Psychology of Domestic Violence 29
Chapter 4: Social Aspects of Domestic Violence 67
Chapter 5: Children, Adolescents, and Domestic Violence 117
Chapter 6: Domestic Violence and the Law 141
Chapter 7: What Works to Reduce and Prevent Domestic 193
Violence?
Chapter 8: Practical Information for Women Who Are 217
Abused and Those Who Want to Help Them
Resources and Suggested Readings 245
Appendix 259
Index 275
 Page vi

Acknowledgments
I am extremely grateful to all of those who shared their stories,
recollections, insights, knowledge, books, clippings, thoughts,
ideas, and encouraging words; in particular Dr. Bob Henry, Mary
Blick, Janet Wiederkehr, Susan Embry, Andy Martinez, Dr.
Patricia Murphy, Becca Jean Hughes, Christine L. Bailey, Donna
Ferrato, Jane Fraher, Brenda Aris, Clarette Bradley, Rae Jean
Bradley, Gary W. Markham of the National Victim Center, and
many others. While all of the stories in this book are true, a
number of contributors have asked to remain anonymous or to
be identified by pseudonyms. I am thankful to them for their
candor and willingness to share difficult memories.
Thanks also to everyone at Lowell House, especially my great
editor Bud Sperry, and to my husband, Willy Berry.
 Page vii

Introduction
Last spring while vacationing in Key West, I took a nasty spill off
a bicycle and landed on my face. The result, not surprisingly, was
a colorful assortment of bruises and scrapes, topped by the
biggest black eye I'd ever seena classic shiner.
Of course I was embarrassed by the thought that I was such a
clod I couldn't stay upright on a Schwinn. But the thing that
mortified me most was the idea that people might think my
husband had beat me up. I made a point of wearing dark glasses
around the clock, and quickly telling my story to anyone who
gave my ravaged face a second look. I wanted to make sure
nobody would think I was "the kind of woman who would let a
man beat me."
What kind of woman "lets" a man beat her? Who is the "typical"
violence victim? Is she weak? Helpless? Doesn't she have any
friends or family to turn to? Is she too ignorant or impoverished
to escape? Why doesn't she just leave? This has always been the
foremost question in my mind when I heard about women who
stayed with abusive partners. Why would any woman live with a
violent man, a man who says he loves her, yet hurts her? Why
doesn't she "just leave"?
Easy for me to ask. Easy, because I've never been there. I grew
up in a peaceful home where my parents treated each other with
warmth and respect and rarely so much as raised their voices in
argument. I never had a violent boyfriend. I married a gentle
man, who recognizes the same boundaries that I do: Yell and
scream and cuss if you have to, but never, ever, hit. Hitting is the
line you never cross, the line that ruins everything. One strike
and you're out. I've never had to cope with violence in any of my
homes. So, from this vantage point, it's been very easy for me to
ask, "Why doesn't she just leave?"
As I researched this book, I began to see just how naive I was.
Domestic violence is not a simple matter. It affects people of
astonishing diversity: rich and poor, old and young, black and
white, party animals and fundamentalist Christians. The reasons
women don't "just leave" are as diverse as the individuals
themselves. Some have no place to go. Many have left only to be
threatened, stalked, or cajoled into returning.
 Page viii
Some are afraid they can't support their children. Some have
been so psychologically damaged by years of mistreatment that
they are incapable of leaving. Some think they deserve it. And
some still love the men who batter them and can't give up the
hope they will change; that this will indeed be the last beating, as
they have promised so many times before.
Domestic violence is a plague that maims and killsnot only
women, but children, men, families. What can be done about it?
Fortunately, most victims of domestic violence today do have
one or more ways out, if they know options exist and have the
capacity to use them. The growing awareness of how pervasive
and destructive this disease is in American society, and the
outrage that accompanies this knowledge, has spawned a wide
variety of programs, shelters, educational endeavors, legal
changes, law enforcement initiatives, and other efforts to prevent
and halt the growth of this tragic epidemic.
I've learned a lot through writing this bookabout the causes of
domestic violence, what types of programs are working to stop it,
and about the "kind of woman who would let a man hit her." I
have to say I'm ashamed of my own narrow-mindedness last
spring, when I was more concerned that people would think I
was a victim of violence than a klutz who can't ride a bike.
Battered women are not weak, self-loathing, ignorant, or pathetic.
The strength many have had to draw upon simply to survive is
phenomenal.
In this book I have generally used the female gender to refer to
the victims of domestic violence, and the male gender to refer to
the abusers. This choice reflects the fact that an estimated 95
percent of the victims of domestic violence are female. The book
is not intended to be sexist, or to diminish the very real, equally
tragic problems faced by the thousands of men who are also
abused. It is my hope that those involved in any way with the
crisis of family violencevictims, friends, professionals, and
others who care about stopping the cycle of violencewill find this
information helpful and illuminating.
One of the most fundamental rights recognized in American
society is the right of every person to be free from bodily harm.
This right belongs to every human being. It is difficult for those
of us who have never suffered the horror of a violent home to
imagine the pain, the terror, the hopelessness of living with the
constant threat of attack in the one place that should feel most
safe. Perhaps one day the home will be a
 Page ix
peaceful refuge for everyone. In the meantime, dedicated people
are working to change attitudes, provide services, and hold
abusers accountable. Through their efforts, things are
changingbut we still have a long way to go. If educated
professionals like me still ask, "Why doesn't she leave?" then
there is a great deal of education yet to be done. I hope this book
will provide a few answers and a few new questions, such as
"Why does domestic violence still happen?" And better yet"What
can I do to help stop and prevent it?"
 Page 1

Chapter One
What Is Domestic Violence?
What is domestic violence, anyway? It has been called by many
names; wife beating, battering, family violence, domestic abuse.
All refer to abuse by one person of another in an intimate
relationship. This book discusses only violence between adults in
a current or former husband-wife, living together, or dating
relationship. The equally complex and tragic problems of child
abuse, elder abuse, and sibling abuse involve different issues and
dynamics that are beyond the scope of this book. While a home
in which one form of violence goes on is likely to suffer from
other kinds of abuse, the nature, causes, and types of help
available differ.
Domestic violence is not limited to physical battering, but may
include other forms of abuse as well. Psychologist and author
Susan Forward, Ph.D., has described abuse as ''. . . any behavior
that is intended to control and subjugate another human being
through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical
assaults . . . it is the systematic persecution of one partner by
another.'' An abuser often wears down his partner by unrelenting
criticism and fault-finding. This form
 Page 2
of psychological abuse is especially cruel, she says, because it is
often disguised as a way of "teaching the woman how to be a
better person."
Many experts believe that emotional abuse may have longer
lasting effects than physical abuse. When a person hears over and
over that she is stupid, worthless, or ugly, she may internalize
these things and let them become a part of her self-image. "Verbal
abuse can be more psychologically damaging in the long run than
physical abuse," says Patricia Murphy, Ph.D., a vocational
rehabilitation specialist and counselor who helps women rebuild
their working lives after suffering abuse. "When we hear over
and over that we are worthless and incompetent, we begin not
only to believe it, but to hear it repeating over and over in our
minds."
Also, emotional abuse is often one of the control tactics an
abuser employs to break the spirit of the victim and destroy her
perception of her own choices until she no longer believes she
can change her situation or leave. This is one of the
characteristics of the "battered woman syndrome" which is
discussed in greater detail later.
As Dr. Forward states in her book Men Who Hate Women and
the Women Who Love Them, "Once [a] woman accepts an attack
on her self-worth and permits herself to be demeaned, she has
opened the door for future assault." Dr. Forward describes one
woman's healthy reaction to her partner's irrational attack: "I
don't know why he thought he could get away with that kind of
stuff, but he picked the wrong girl when he pulled it on me. I
told him I wasn't going to put up with that kind of treatment, and
that if he pulled it again I was going to leave. Well, then he was
sweet as pie for a day or two, then he did it again. So I left." Dr.
Forward emphasizes the importance of standing up to any
abusive treatment as soon as it happens. If the abuse is verbal,
there must be at least an unequivocal assertion that you will not
stand for this type of treatment. If it turns violent, there should be
no second chances until you have removed yourself from the
situation and received some assistance. The relationship may still
be salvageable, but only with professional intervention.
Therefore, with the understanding that this text refers to violence
between couples, "domestic violence" is generally understood to
include:
 Page 3
Physical violence. Slapping, hitting, kicking, burning, punching,
choking, shoving, beating, throwing things, locking out,
restraining, and other acts designed to injure, hurt, endanger, or
cause physical pain.
Emotional abuse. Consistently doing or saying things to shame,
insult, ridicule, embarrass, demean, belittle, or mentally hurt
another person. This may include calling a person names such as
fat, lazy, stupid, bitch, silly, ugly, failure; telling someone she
can't do anything right, is worthless, is an unfit mother, is
undeserving, is unwanted. It also involves withholding money,
affection, or attention; forbidding someone to work, handle
money, see friends or family, make decisions, socialize, keep
property; flaunting infidelity; engaging in destructive acts; forcing
someone to do things she does not want to do; manipulation;
hurting or threatening children or pets; threatening to abandon;
threatening to take children away. It may also include refusing to
help someone who is sick or hurt; ridiculing her most valued
beliefs, religion, race, heritage, or class; insulting her family or
friends.
Sexual abuse. Forcing someone to have sex when she does not
want to, forcing someone to engage in sexual acts she does not
like or finds unpleasant, frightening, or violent; forcing someone
to have sex with others or watch others; criticism of sexual
performance; sadism; anything that makes her feel demeaned or
violated. This form of abuse may also include forcing a woman
into reproductive decisions that are contrary to her wishes; or
forcing her to have sex without protection against disease or
pregnancy.
Authors/counselors Greg Enns and Jan Black simply define abuse
as any behavior that results in the mistreatment of another.
Taking a slightly different approach, EMERGE, a Boston
counseling program for abusive men, describes domestic
violence as any act that causes the victim to do something she
does not want to do, prevents her from doing something she does
want to do, or causes her to be afraid. In many abusive
relationships, different forms of abuse are combined.
While physical abuse is generally considered the most serious
form of domestic violence because of the immediate threat to life
and limb, this
 Page 4
does not mean the other forms should be taken lightly, even if
they don't seem "serious." Other forms of abuse often precede
physical abuse and function as warning signals. Any time a
partner engages in behavior that makes a woman feel demeaned,
humiliated, and uncomfortable, whether it amounts to
roughhousing, small shoves, sexual domination, or insults, she
should tell her partner to stopand he should be willing to respect
her request. Many couples have nasty spats occasionally. The
difference in an abusive relationship is, first, the vicious, one-
sided character of the attack and, second, that while the abuser
may agree to stop the behavior at the time, the first time is never
the lastnor is the second or the third. In violent homes, one
partner dominates and controls other family members, often to
the point of creating a sort of terrorist state in which the threat of
harm is constant and unpredictable. Professor Linda Harshman
has compared the lives of battered women to the "state of war"
that exists without government protection as described by the
political philosopher Thomas Hobbes some three hundred years
ago: ''solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short."
It is no secret that violence also happens between same-sex
couples, and some studies suggest it may occur more frequently,
with as many as one in three couples involved in violent
relationships. Most of the principles applicable to heterosexual
couples apply to homosexual couples as well, though relatively
little research has been done. A brief discussion of the special
problems faced by couples in violent same-sex relationships is
provided later in the book, and sources with more detailed
information are listed in the Resources and Suggested Readings
section.
Stalking
Domestic violence is a peculiar crime with its own dynamics and
special risks. Even women who do what society tells them is
right, and leave at the first sign of violence, often fall prey to
continued harassment. Stalking is a particular problem for
women who leave, whether its sooner or later. The vast majority
of stalking crimes are committed by former husbands or
boyfriends against women who have left the relationship.
According to a 1997 study by the U.S. Justice Department,
 Page 5
one in twelve women has been stalked. Eighty percent of those
who are stalked are assaulted, and women are four times as likely
as men to be stalking victims.
Stalking involves any pattern of behavior that serves no
legitimate purpose and is intended to harass, annoy, or terrorize
the victim. The stalker is obsessed with the victim, and can't cope
with the rejection and anger he feels when she leaves. The stalker
often wants to "take revenge" on the victim, who is blamed for
causing these feelings. Typical stalking activities include repeated
telephone calls, letters or gifts by mail, surveillance at work,
home, and other places the victim is known to frequent,
vandalism of the victim's car or other possessions, and physical
encounters.
Stalking is a special problem for several reasons. First, it usually
escalates. A series of harassing telephone calls may lead to direct
threats then to violence. The National Council on Stalking
advises that a stalker should be considered dangerous if he has a
previous criminal record or history of mental instability; if acts of
vandalism or destruction have been committed; if he is unable to
control his temper; if there has been physical contact between the
stalker and the victim; if he lives in isolation; if he has a
substance abuse problem; if he has been in a violent domestic
relationship; if he has or is familiar with using guns; if threats
have been made to the victim; or if the stalker has felt humiliated
by the victim. More information on laws against stalking and
safety tips are included later in the book. Most states have
enacted specific anti-stalking laws so a stalker can be arrested
before the behavior becomes dangerous. In most areas, a good
set of laws against domestic violence and stalking is now
available. Such laws frequently distinguish between stalking and
aggravated stalking; harassment, which requires a regular pattern
of conduct; and telephone harassment, which is easier to prove.
Stalking victims can assist law enforcement and prosecutors by
keeping a written record or diary of all incidents of stalking or
harassment; including the date, time, location, and type of
incident; details of reports to law enforcement agencies; and
witness information. Some social service or law enforcement
agencies provide forms for keeping such records. Law
enforcement professionals advise that all stalkers should be
 Page 6
considered extremely dangerous, and victims should avoid any
contact or discussion with the stalkerget away from them as soon
as possible. The police should be notified of any incident of
stalking or harassment. It is essential that law enforcement be
made aware of the complete history between the stalker and
victim. Prior acts should be noted, as these can provide evidence
of a "pattern of conduct," which may effect the charges and
penalties available, and may also mean the difference between a
misdemeanor and a felony charge. Many states now have laws
that distinguish between various degrees of stalking, for example,
by providing different definitions of "harassment," "stalking,"
and ''aggravated stalking.''

How Common Is Domestic Violence?

There is no denying that the statistics on violence in families
paint a grim picture. Some experts believe domestic violence is
increasing. Others believe that there has been a slight decrease,
but that more women are reporting abuse. Either way, the
numbers prove that it still happens far, far too often. Even by the
most conservative estimates, domestic violence is a national
tragedy of staggering proportions. Each year, literally millions of
women are wounded, crippled, disfigured, traumatized, and
maimed by male partnersor they die. Donna Shalala, Health and
Human Services secretary, has frequently stated, "Domestic
violence is an unacknowledged epidemic in our society." In April
1994, she announced that there are 4 million reported instances of
domestic violence every year in the United States. Domestic
violence is not only a leading cause of injury, but also an
increasing cause of chronic medical and mental illness.
According to a study conducted in 1995 in Memphis, Tennessee,
35 percent of the victims studies suffered assault on a daily basis.
Forty-four percent had been assaulted by their partner during
pregnancy. In the same study, 75 percent of the assailants arrested
spent less than 18 hours in jail. Those who stayed longer were
detained only for the practical reason that the arrest took place on
a weekend or holiday. Sixty-seven percent of the perpetrators
were on probation or parole, but none had been sanctioned for
repeat domestic violence offenses.
 Page 7
The damage wrought by domestic violence extends far beyond
the walls of the home. It exacts a tremendous cost to health care,
criminal justice, social services, lost productivity, and perhaps
most costly of all, the physical, emotional, and behavioral
damage it inflicts on the children who grow up in a home where
the monsters are real. Domestic violence is also a major cause of
disability, homelessness, addiction, and attempted suicide. Thus,
domestic violence commands a substantial proportion of a
community's health, criminal justice, and social service resources.
Consider the following statistics compiled by sociologists,
psychologists, law enforcement agencies, scientists, private
research organizations, government agencies, and other reputable
researchers:
Each year, at least fifteen hundred women are killed by a current
or former husband or boyfriend. According to FBI data, four
women a day are murdered by a male partner. Over thirty percent
(some estimate over fifty percent) of all murders of women in
America are committed by intimate partners.
Studies of women killed by a husband or boyfriend show that 90
percent of the victims had reported at least one prior incident of
abuse. The average number of calls to a scene before a domestic
homicide is eight.
Up to 6 million women are believed to be beaten in their homes
each year. Four million incidents are reported. The National
Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that up to 90
percent of battered women never report their abuse.
Women who have divorced or separated from their abusers
report being battered fourteen times as often as those still living
with their partners. It is estimated that 73 percent of emergency
room visits, and up to 75 percent of calls to the police for
domestic violence incidents occur after separation.
According to the American Medical Association, family violence
kills as many women every five years as the total number of
Americans who died in the Vietnam War. Homicide is the second
leading cause of death for women ages 15 to 24.
 Page 8
Battering contributes to one-quarter of all suicide attempts by
women generally, and half of all suicide attempts by Black
women.
The American Medical Association reports that one out of every
three women treated in emergency rooms is a victim of violence.
At least one in five has been injured by a current or former
husband or boyfriend.
One million women a year visit physicians and hospital
emergency rooms for treatment of injuries caused by beating.
According to the National Centers for Disease Control, more
women are treated in emergency rooms for battering injuries than
for muggings, rapes, and traffic accidents combined.
In 1992, the U.S. Surgeon General reported that abuse by a
husband or partner is the leading cause of injury to American
women between the ages of fifteen and forty-four.
Medical expenses for treating victims of domestic violence total
at least $3 billion to $5 billion annually.
In one western city, domestic violence was the single most
reported crime in 1995more than assault and battery and
burglaries combined.
Ninety-five percent of the victims of battering are female. Rape is
a regular form of abuse in about 50 percent of violent
relationships.
Weapons are used in 30 percent of domestic violence incidents.
Up to 75 percent of battering victims have left or are trying to
leave men who will not let them go. A Texas study revealed that
75 percent of the women calling a domestic violence hotline had
left their abuser at least five times before.
On the average, a woman is battered in the United States by a
partner every twelve to fifteen seconds.
Between 25 and 50 percent of all women in America will be
physically abused by a partner at least once in their lives.
Businesses lose about $100 million annually in lost wages, sick
leave, absenteeism, and nonproductivity as a direct result of
domestic violence.
 Page 9
Seventy-four percent of abused women who work outside the
home are harassed by their abusers at work, either in person or
by telephone. Fifty-six percent are late for work at least five times
a month because of their abusers. Fifty-four percent miss at least
three full days of work a month, and 20 percent lose their jobs
because of abuse.
Some experts estimate that more women leave the work force
permanently because of domestic violence than leave to raise
children.
In a series of studies compiled in 1987, between 20 and 30
percent of college women reported being the victim of physical
abuse by a dating partner. In a 1990 study, more than one-third of
girls in grades 10 to 12 reported at least one incident of physical
or sexual abuse.
Twenty-eight percent of high school students have experienced
violence in a dating relationship. The Federal Bureau of
Investigation reports that 21 percent of the women murdered in
America are between the ages of fifteen and twenty-four.
Pregnant women are especially at risk. Robert McAfee, M.D.,
president of the American Medical Association, estimates that
more than one-third of pregnant women are abused. Twenty-five
percent of all women battered in America are abused while
pregnant.
According to the March of Dimes, battering during pregnancy is
the leading cause of birth defects and infant mortalitymore than
the birth defects caused by all of the diseases for which people
are routinely inoculated, combined.
Fifty to 70 percent of men who abuse their female partners also
abuse children in the home. In homes with four or more
children, the figure leaps to over 90 percent.
In one study of violent homes, all sons over fourteen attempted
to protect their mothers. Sixty-two percent were injured in the
process. Another study found that 63 percent of the males
between the ages of fifteen and twenty who are incarcerated for
homicide killed their mother's batterer.
 Page 10
More than 3 million children directly witness acts of domestic
abuse each year. Battered mothers are more likely than other
mothers to abuse their children. Children whose mothers are
abused are six times more likely to attempt suicide and 50 percent
more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.
Studies estimate that 25 to 33 percent of men who batter their
wives also sexually abuse their children. Up to one-third of
battered women were sexually abused as children, generally by a
male relative.
Between 70 percent and 87 percent of children in homes where
their mother is beaten witness the violence. Virtually all are aware
of what goes on, even if they do not see the abuse taking place.
Most men who batter women abuse more than one; in one study,
95 percent of those who sought treatment admitted to abusing
more than one woman.
An estimated 90 percent of men and 80 percent of women
currently in prison were abused at some point in their lives.
About 50 percent of all homeless women and children in
America are fleeing domestic violence.
According to a study conducted in 1991, among the men arrested,
prosecuted, convicted, and sentenced for assaulting a female
partner, less than one percent served any time in jail. The average
batterer taken into custody was held less than two hours.
In 1970 there was no such thing as a shelter for battered women.
Today there are over two thousand service programs, and over
thirteen hundred sheltersbut there are roughly 20,000 cities and
towns in America. Thirty-one percent of abused women who
sought shelter in New York City in one year returned to abusive
homes primarily because they could not locate permanent
housing. Up to 60 percent of victims are turned away in some
areas.
Despite the vast increase in attention to the problem of domestic
violence through hotlines, shelters, and public awareness, the
number of assaults has remained about the same over the last
decade.
 Page 11

Why is Domestic Violence So Common?

The studies that spawned these statistics have proven that abuse
knows no boundaries: racial, ethnic, religious, or socioeconomic.
It occurs among the very rich and the very poor, the highly
educated and the illiterate, in all parts of the world. As stated in a
1994 Newsweek article, the phenomenon is as complicated as it is
common.
The Battered/Formerly Battered Women's Task Force of the
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) says,
"Battering is an issue of crime, health, safety, ethics, politics,
systems, choices, economics, and socialization. It is an issue of
individual, institutional, and cultural significance." As the task
force points out, not only must individual thinking and behavior
change if battering is to be stopped, but social and cultural values
that allow battering and perpetuate it must change as well.
Ingrained social stereotypes support tolerance of abuse in
families. Many people still think most instances of battering are
"rare" or "minor" and don't warrant outside "interference." Others
feel men are inherently aggressive, and women naturally passive,
so abuse is inevitable due to "human nature." Some believe that
women who nag, get angry, or speak their own minds ''provoke"
violence and deserve to be beaten. Battering is viewed as a
problem caused by stress or poverty, or limited to the ''lower
classes."
Throughout history, two persistent assumptions have contributed
to society's turning away from domestic violence: first, that it was
a minor, private, and/or family matter; second, that others were
helpless to do anything about it. It is only recently that society has
begun to face the unspeakable horror of domestic violence, as
images such as photographer Donna Ferrato's portraits of the
human beings behind the headlines fill books, magazines, and
newspapers with their powerful reminder that these are not
statisticsthese are people. Yet still we turn away.
In the words of Senator Joseph Biden, "If the leading newspapers
were to announce tomorrow a new disease that, over the past
year, had afflicted from three to four million citizens, few would
fail to appreciate the seriousness of the illness. Yet, when it
comes to the three to four million women who are victimized by
violence each year, the alarms ring softly."
 Page 12

Is There Any Good News?

Definitely. One thing is certain: As the shocking numbers and
stories are made public knowledge, attitudes are changing. People
are becoming aware of the widespread nature of domestic
violence, its devastating effect on women, men, children, and
families, and the tragic consequences of turning away.
Unfortunately, it has taken events like the killing of Nicole Brown
Simpson and her history of abuse to jar the public's awareness
that domestic violence is a serious crime, and that the
consequences are tragic.
The Legacy of the Simpson Case
When O.J. Simpson was acquitted for the murder of his ex-wife
and her friend in his criminal trial, many feared that the verdict
would send a message to abusers that they can get away with
murder. Another chilling lesson of the Simpson case is that even
when women do everything right, everything society tells them
to, they can end up murderedunless outside intervention by law
enforcement, criminal justice, and other community sources takes
swift and firm action to stop the batterer. Nicole Brown Simpson
wisely kept Polaroids of her battered face and a letter O.J. had
written apologizing for (and thereby acknowledging) beating her
in a safe deposit box. She told friends and family members what
was happening, and gained their support. She divorced Simpson,
and called the police when he came to her home and attacked her.
Many feel that if Simpson had been treated as a criminal when
Nicole first called the police in 1989with a harsh fine, mandatory
counseling in a long-term batterer's program, and strong
condemnation of his behavior by his employers and
colleaguesNicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman might still
be alive.
And this is the positive lesson that has risen out of this tragedy.
Although media coverage of the case was, at times, lurid and
overblown, it drew the nation's attention to the fact that domestic
violence is a life-threatening crime that must not be taken lightly.
Calls to shelters and hotlines have steadily increased as abused
women realized that they, too, could be in mortal danger. Dozens,
possibly hundreds of
 Page 13
new organizations, shelters, and hotlines have sprung up as the
magnitude of domestic violence has come to light. October has
been declared Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The law, at
the federal, state, and local levels, has changed to strengthen
penalties against abusers and close loopholes. Police departments
have begun taking abuse cases more seriously, implementing new
protocols, improved officer training, and tougher sanctions
against batterers. Even entities not generally affiliated with the
organized efforts against domestic violence have become
involved. For example, in 1997, the Seattle Public Housing
Authority established a training program to educate its personnel,
police officers, and others who work with domestic violence
victims. In 1995, Illinois State University added a domestic
violence unit to its residential assistant training program. State
Farm Insurance, once harshly criticized for denying a woman
insurance because she was a victim of family violence, has
launched a family abuse prevention campaign.
Also, it is important to remember that while one jury acquitted
Simpson of murder, another held him accountable in a civil
action for the wrongful deaths of his former wife and her friend.
Moreover, discussion of the case has made clear that the Simpson
case cannot be considered a "normal" case indicating what would
happen under the same circumstances with a non-celebrity
defendant. As prosecutor Marcia Clark has emphasized, the
Simpson case was an anomaly. The defendant, unlike most, was
virtually unconvictable. As Clark commented in her book, "O.J.
Simpson slaughtered two innocent people and he walked
freeright past the most massive and compelling body of evidence
ever assembled against a criminal defendant." The odds of such
an outcome in a case not involving a celebrity and sports
heroespecially since the outrage, legal evolution, and change in
public attitudeare almost nil.
We now know that it is not only the poor, the uneducated, or the
underprivileged that suffer the pain of domestic violence. We
know that batterers can be successful, handsome, gifted meneven
our heroes. We know that wife beating is often treated far too
casually by the police. We know that domestic violence is often
brushed aside as "a family matter" or "no big deal" by the men
who batter, by the criminal justice system,
 Page 14
and by the public. We know that women who appear to have
ample means of escape through money, intelligence, family, and
friends remain trapped in violent relationships. We know that
even when they do try to get free and end the relationship, the
batterer often won't let go.
Perhaps, most of all, the tragedy of the Simpson family has
turned the public eye toward the crisis of domestic violence that
has become an epidemic in our nation. America can no longer
ignore the fact that domestic violence is extremely common,
extremely serious, and potentially deadly. The media have begun
to take a broad look at what is going on around the countryboth
the problem and the solutions. In the first few weeks after
murder charges were filed against O.J. Simpson and his prior
abuse of his wife, national headlines, hotlines, shelters, and
coalitions reported a tidal wave of callsfrom victims who want
help and from men who want to stop battering.
And this is the good news. People have been touched by the
horror of domestic violence, both directly and indirectly. The
problem continues, but people are tryingboth in their own lives,
to escape or repair relationships torn by violenceand in the
community, to find out what works, how to use it, and how to
make services available to all who need them.
So what can be done about a problem that is so complex, so
pervasive? Certainly, understanding what causes domestic
violence and which families are most at risk helps. Despite the
grim statistics, there is plenty of evidence that progress is being
made by those working to "wage peace" on the home front. Two
respected national studies showed a slight decrease in domestic
violence between 1975 and 1985. There is less of a stigma against
those who admit problems in the family and seek outside help, so
violence which was previously hidden is being reported more
often.
Perhaps the most important change that has taken place toward
stopping domestic violence is the way society views the problem.
Throughout most of America's history, the old adage "A man's
home is his castle" reflected the attitude that the home was
sacrosanct, not to be invaded or disturbed. Women were expected
to solve the problem themselves or simply keep it behind closed
doors.
 Page 15
Vestiges of the notion that the home is surrounded by a "zone of
privacy" that shields it from the scrutiny of the outside world
remain, but public sentiment is gradually changing as people are
made aware of how severe and how common violence in the
home has become. Finally, domestic violence is being seen more
clearly as a serious social problem. Psychologists, social workers,
and law enforcement officials are beginning to view family
violence as something that can be treated and explained, but
never tolerated. And the prevailing sense among professionals
and the general public alike is that domestic violence is
everybody's problem.
What does work? A wide variety of sources from various
fieldspsychologists, judges, law enforcement, sociologists,
activists, social workers, and the abuse survivors
themselvesalmost universally agree on two points. First, domestic
violence must be treated as a crime. The abuser should be
arrested and removed from the home immediately, and spend at
least one night in jail. For many, therapy of some kind often
helps, but most counselors agree that abusive men must first
experience some real consequences if treatment is to be effective.
They need a powerful, immediate demonstration by law
enforcement that their behavior is criminal, unacceptable, and
intolerable.
Second, all of the community institutions addressing domestic
violence and helping the victims in various ways must join in a
mutual effort to communicate, cooperate, and work together to
prevent and stop violence in families. This includes both those
organizations immediately associated with helping victims, such
as the police, hospitals, and shelters, as well as those that become
involved earlier, later, or on a more peripheral basis, such as the
courts, probation/parole officers, schools, churches, mental
health providers, child protective agencies, welfare and public
housing services, politicians, private organizations, social
workers, and physicians. Victims must receive immediate support
and information, as well as continuing service, no matter where
they turn first for help.
There are two different schools of thought within the domestic
violence community as to which of these two vital responses
should get priority. Should the first order of business be to
punish and restrain the
 Page 16
abuser, or to help the victim? Everyone seems to agree that both
of these matters must be addressed in any successful program.
Those that work the best seem to give nearly equal attention to
both concerns, often through coordinated systems that use the
same facilities to accomplish both goals. For instance, an
offender may spend a night in jail, then come before the judge to
be charged with his crime and told of the treatment options
available. Meanwhile, the arresting officer takes the victim to a
hospital. The officer or hospital staff makes sure the woman
receives information on shelters and other services available for
her in the community. She is put in touch with people who can
help her find support groups, social services, and assistance with
the court processes she will face.
When an integrated, ongoing effort is made by a coalition of
people and groups to coordinate their efforts and skills, both the
system as a whole and each component functions more
efficiently. The Miami community has made impressive strides
toward curtailing the incidence of domestic violence with model
shelter programs and a strong partnership between the police and
health care communities and other community organizations.
Perhaps because the services that are available grew out of
grassroots efforts by women with a great deal of gumption but
little money, many communities have found that such an
integrated program can be established and run for a surprisingly
small amount of funding. This type of system also allows for
tremendous flexibility according to the particular needs and
structure of each geographic area.
Private individuals and businesses are also getting involved. Ms.
has pledged to keep the issue of domestic violence in the
forefront, with its September/October 1994 issue enclosed in a
black cover, listing the names of some of the thousands of
women killed by their husbands or male partners since 1990. The
magazine also announced its pledge to donate five dollars from
each subscription to the Family Violence Prevention Fund. Other
private businesses have begun to realize their potential to help
stop domestic violence, which also promotes positive public
relations. For example, the Marshall's chain of discount stores
recently donated a percentage of all sales in its 459 stores on a
particular date to the Family Violence Prevention Fund, and gave
all proceeds
 Page 17
from a specially designed holiday pin to the Fund as well. In
1994, the U.S. Postal Service announced limited public access to
change of address information filed by individuals and families.
Later chapters describe what various communities have done to
attack domestic violence. Many have seen astounding results.
Most of the techniques that have proven effective can be
emulated by others. Several, led by the Duluth, Minnesota
Project, have expanded to provide training seminars,
curriculums, videos, books, and various other materials to
communities throughout the country wishing to establish or
improve programs of their own. Things are changing, but it took
us a long time to get here, and there is every sign that our work is
just beginning.
 Page 19

Chapter Two
How Did We Get to This Point? The History of
Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is as old as recorded history. It has been
reported in virtually all societies, and in most countries it has
been both legal and socially accepted until very recently. Through
time, physical force has been used to keep subordinate groups in
their place by the more dominant forces in society. Men have
always been physically larger and stronger than most women,
and most societies have been male dominated. So its no surprise
that women have been common victims of physical assault.
In ancient Roman times, a man was allowed by law to chastise,
divorce, or kill his wife for adultery, public drunkenness, or
attending public gamesthe very behavior that men were allowed,
even expected to pursue, on a near-daily basis! During the middle
ages, a man's right to beat his wife was beyond question, yet a
woman could be burned alive for so much as threatening her
husband.
This general idea prevailed for hundreds of years. A few
enlightened souls began to recognize the brutality of wife beating
very early on, though it took centuries before any real efforts
were made to curtail the
 Page 20
problem. In 1405, French writer Christine de Pizan complained
of the harsh beatings and injuries suffered by women at the
hands of their husbands, who had no cause or reason to inflict
such treatment. Early women's advocate and author Mary
Wollstonecraft wrote of the problems of male tyranny in
eighteenth century England. Judge William Blackstone criticized
the prevailing law in his Commentaries on the Laws of England,
published in 1799, and urged priority be given to ". . . security
from corporal insults or menaces, assaults, beatings, and
wounding." Philosopher John Stuart Mill criticized "wife torture"
as an atrocity in the nineteenth century. American colonial
women organized informal support systems to help battered
women escape brutal husbands. When the first organizers of the
American women's movement met in the 1840s for the primary
purpose of securing the right to vote, the issue of male brutality
was also on the agenda. Suffragist Susan B. Anthony is reported
to have helped battered women escape their husbands during the
same era.
The widespread acceptance of wife beating has often been
reflected in popular culture. We have all heard the expression
"rule of thumb." It is commonly used in American conversation
to describe a general guideline, a rule for everyday, routine use.
Yet this innocuous expression has chilling originsin a past that
helps explain why domestic violence is still with us.
"Rule of thumb" refers to an English common law, which was
included in Blackstone's codification of the law published in the
eighteenth century. Before the rule of thumb, a husband could
chastise his wife with "any reasonable instrument." The rule of
thumb actually represented some progress toward limiting the
amount of force a man could use. It allowed a husband to beat
his wife with any stick of his choosingas long as it was no thicker
than his own thumb.
American courts approved this rule in 1824, when a Mississippi
court held that husbands could use corporal punishment against
wives within this paltry limitation. A typical statement of the early
law declared that a man could beat his wife "without subjecting
himself to vexatious prosecutions for assault and battery,
resulting in the discredit and shame of all concerned."
 Page 21
For the next fifty years or so, court decisions varied. A North
Carolina court overturned the rule of thumb in 1864, but a higher
court in that state upheld it three years later in 1867, stating, "If
no permanent injury has been inflicted, nor malice nor dangerous
violence shown by the husband, it is better to draw the curtain,
shut out the public gaze, and leave the parties to forgive and
forget." An 1874 North Carolina court even took a giant step
backward, holding that a husband was entitled to chastise his
wife under any circumstances. Meanwhile, England passed its
first law against "aggressive assault upon women and children" in
1853. The law provided for a fine and up to six months in prison.
An interesting, though isolated, development took place in rural
Texas in 1866. Martha White McWhirter founded the
Sanctificationist religious group on the belief that no woman
should have to live with a brutal, or "unsanctified," husband. Her
followers were made up of other women escaping battering
husbands, and they founded what may be the first shelter ever
established. By 1880, fifty women lived together in a self-reliant
group that owned and operated three farms, a steam laundry, a
hotel, and several rooming houses. The Sanctificationists
sometimes had to defend against irate husbands on the rampage.
McWhirter's home still stands in Belmont, Texas, with a bullet
hole in the front door.
Alabama and Massachusetts courts handed down rulings against
wife abuse in 1871. An unusually enlightened Alabama judge
wrote that year in Fulgham v. State, "The privilege, ancient
though it may be, to beat her with a stick, to pull her hair, choke
her, spit in her face, or kick her about the floor, or to inflict upon
her like indignities is not now acknowledged by our law." By the
early 1880s, most states had laws limiting the amount of force
that could be used against a wife, but few provided any penalties
for violation. No state actually passed a law making wife beating
illegal until 1883, when Maryland finally made it a crime.
Yet few people actually saw violence in the home as a problem.
One reason for the lack of concern was the common notionin
British, American, and many other societiesthat a woman was not
a full human being, but property, first of her father, then of her
husband. In fact, this idea was so widely accepted by the
seventeenth century that
 Page 22
the early American slaveholders adopted the law governing
women to establish the legal status of slaves!
Under this system, a wife and husband became legally one
personthe husband. By law he had to answer for the misdeeds or
debts of anyone in his household, so the law delegated to him the
obligation of keeping his family in line. Accordingly, he was
allowed, and even expected, to chastise any errant child, servant,
or wife. By 1895, a number of states had adopted the Married
Women's Property Act, which gave women some rights to own
their own property and made a husband's conviction for assault
sufficient grounds for divorce. Convictions were hard to get and
seldom seen, but the act did help begin to change the concept that
women were the husbands' property.
Another roadblock in the law that has prevented battered wives
from holding their husbands accountable is the concept of
''spousal immunity.'' This is a legal principle that says wives and
husbands can't sue one another for civil wrongs, or "torts." These
are acts that give one person the right to sue another for
compensation for their losses caused by the misdeeds. Torts
include things like trespass, negligence, and assault and battery.
Thus, a woman battered by a stranger on the street could take
him to court to recover her damages, including medical bills, lost
wages, and pain and suffering. But she couldn't sue her husband
for the same behavior.
The philosophy behind this rule seems patently stupid: The idea
is to preserve harmony in the family unit. As late as 1962, the
California Supreme Court threw out a woman's assault case
against her husband on the theory that to allow the case to
proceed ". . . would destroy the peace and harmony of the home
and thus be contrary to the policy of the law." Such reasoning
ignores the obvious conclusion that a home in which the family
members are beating and suing one another is far from peaceful
and harmonious to begin with.
Though relatively uncommon today, appallingly insensitive
attitudes were frequently encountered by women who tried to
make use of what help was available. As late as the 1970s, it was
not uncommon for a prosecutor to base the decision of whether
to bring charges against the abuser on the number of stitches
required to close the woman's wounds.
 Page 23
Prosecutors joked about the "fifteen-minute rule"if, after
spending fifteen minutes with the victim, the lawyer was ready to
beat her himself, he would not pursue the case. In the late 1970s,
a Harris poll found that one out of five Americansincluding
women!still approved of a man hitting his wife under some
circumstances.
Thus, until very recently, the criminal justice system saw its task
as limiting the amount of force a man could use against his wife,
rather than recognizing spousal abuse as a crime. This very
attitude has been one of the greatest barriers in trying to end the
brutality that still goes on behind the drawn curtains. Until the
1970s, only the most extreme crimeslike murdermade it to the
courtroom. It was common for state laws to be structured in such
a way that the very same action, beating a person, was a felony if
it was committed against a stranger, but only a misdemeanor if
done to a spouse! In most cases, a woman's legal remedies were
limited to a provision in a divorce or legal separation decree
prohibiting the abuser from contacting or harassing her. It has
only been within the past twenty years that any real progress has
been made in using, changing, and expanding the law toward
greater justice for victims of domestic violence.
Until the 1970s, there were virtually no social services for victims
of domestic violence. Haven House, the first contemporary
American shelter, was opened in San Gabriel Valley, California,
in 1964, but it was one of the very few. People in violent
relationships had to depend on the police, mental health
professionals, churches, friends, and family if they needed
support or intervention.
Other sources of help began to emerge in association with the
rape crisis movement of the early 1970s. grassroots activists and
social service professionals borrowed the techniques of
organizing and counseling to address the similar plight of
battered women, creating shelters, hotlines, support groups, legal
aid centers, and advocacy projects. The first book on domestic
violence was published in 1974 in England by Erin Pizzey. It was
called Scream Quietly or the Neighbors Will Hear and a
documentary film by the same name helped draw attention to the
problem when it was broadcast in England and America. Pizzey
founded the first shelter for battered women in England, and
women's
 Page 24
groups began setting up shelters and safe houses in America at
about the same time.
Since 1974, over eighteen hundred shelters have been established
by grassroots workers in what has been described as one of the
most astonishing social reform movements in history. While child
abuse had long been recognized as a major problem that received
the attention of organized legal, political, and protective groups,
the fight against spouse abuse was almost entirely undertaken by
the victims themselves. Most of the community-based services
that now exist and work in a cooperative effort with government
service agencies, the criminal justice system, and other
institutions were created by these pioneers.
Volunteers have also set up emergency hotlines, information
services, advocacy organizations, and programs for victims, and
have successfully pushed for changes in the law. Large social
reform organizations soon took note, and became involved. In
1975, the National Organization for Women (NOW) created a
task force on battered wives. The National Coalition Against
Domestic Violence (NCADV) was organized in January 1978
when over one hundred battered women's advocates from all
over the nation attended the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights
hearing on battered women in Washington, D.C. The NCADV
was established to organize the various grassroots shelter and
service programs for battered women around the nation, and to
address the common problems of these formerly isolated
programs.
In 1980 the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project was created in
Duluth, Minnesota. It founded one of the first systems to
coordinate the efforts of the police, prosecutors, civil and
criminal court judges, shelters, legal advocates, probation
officers, social service agencies, mental health professionals, and
others involved in efforts to end domestic violence. This
program has been a model for other cities and agencies, and has
expanded its efforts to include training programs for other
communities.
Creative efforts have continued at the grassroots level. In 1987,
Rockland Family Shelter in New York established a catalog called
the Company of Women, which features a wide variety of
products, with special emphasis on goods useful to women, such
as a car emergency kit (see appendix). All profits from the sales
of goods in the catalog go to
 Page 25
support the shelter's wide variety of programs, both in the
community and beyond.
The law has, at long last, seen dramatic changes over the past
fifteen years, due in large part to the efforts of the same volunteer
organizers who lobbied for changes in social attitudes so that
domestic violence would be viewed as a serious crime, not a
"family matter." Law and police policy changes have made the
arrest of batterers mandatory in many jurisdictions. Prosecutors
have established systems in which the abuser can be charged and
even tried without the victim's direct involvement. Courts have
begun imposing mandatory jail sentences, counseling programs,
and stiff penalties for convictions or violation of orders. Civil
lawsuits by individuals and groups have held both batterers and
police who refuse to enforce the law accountable for the damages
caused by their actions or apathy, and have helped create more
legal tools for other abuse victims to use.
Yet the quality of justice a person receives often depends on
where she lives. In many places, attitudes have not changed as
quickly as the law. As recently as the mid-1980s, some judges
tended to view abuse as a symptom of a bad marriage rather than
the cause of it, and a man who admitted to being sorry was
viewed as deserving a "second chance." In some jurisdictions, a
man who could manipulate his wife into allowing him to spend
the night under the same roof could claim that the couple had
reconciled, effectively halting or at least delaying a divorce.
Today, in some areas, the legal system, social service agencies,
and other professionals work smoothly together in a coordinated
effort that efficiently deals with every reported case of domestic
violence. In other places, a double standard remains in the vastly
different way law enforcement and the judicial system treat the
same behavior, depending on whether it occurs on the street or in
the home. Abusers are still set free without suffering any
consequences for their behavior.
Why on earth should this be so? If anything, it seems more
shocking, more offensive, to think of hitting someone you love
than hitting a stranger. Again, these attitudes have deep roots in
the past that have mutated into equally unreasonable
presumptions today. One hundred years ago, a woman who left a
brutal husband was soundly criticized for
 Page 26
abandoning her "sacred family obligations." Today, we ask her
why she doesn't leave if she is unhappy. The focus is still in the
wrong place: on the woman. Society continues to place the
responsibility for change on the victim; asking why she doesn't
leave, instead of asking why the man abuses her, and why the
agencies that are supposed to protect people haven't put a stop to
it.
There is no question that, today, most people consider wife
beating wrong. We believe that women should have options, that
no one should have to live with brutality. Yet the question "Why
doesn't she leave?" is still asked over and over.
This attitude is based on mistaken assumptions. We assume that
every woman has family, friends, or a shelter in her town with
room to take her; a police officer in the neighborhood who will
assure her safety; a judge who will punish the batterer and
enforce protective orders; therapy programs; child care;
affordable housing; job opportunities; medical care; and support
groups.
Even the best programs in the country, some of which are
profiled in the last chapter, are imperfect. Virtually all suffer from
chronic underfunding. Minnesota, which boasts one of the most
progressive and generously funded anti-abuse programs in the
country, routinely spends less money to help battered women
than it does to kill mosquitoes!
And amazing ignorance persists in the attitudes of some. There
are people who still think that domestic violence is anything from
a necessary evil to an acceptable part of family life. Judge Angela
Jewell, former domestic violence special commissioner for a
New Mexico district court, tells the incredible story of a man who
was arrested for battering his wife. At the police station he kept
repeating, "But she's my wife!" He was astonished to learn that
beating his wife was a crimehe honestly thought that he had the
absolute right, as a husband, to hit his wife if he pleased. And
this occurred in 1994!
Perhaps changing ingrained attitudes will always be the most
difficult task of social reformers. Even something as innocent as
a fairy tale can help perpetuate old beliefs. Storybooks still teach
young girls that they need only wait for a handsome prince to be
assured of true love and living happily ever after. We still hear
the expressions, "Kiss and
 Page 27
make up," "All's fair in love and war," not to mention, "That's a
good rule of thumb."
Yet considering that virtually all of the progress against domestic
violence has happened in just over twenty years, there is great
reason to be proud and hopeful. Today every state has a domestic
violence coalition, at least a few shelters, and laws that make
domestic violence a crime. Much remains to be done, but much
has been achieved.
 Page 29

Chapter Three
The Psychology of Domestic Violence
It's always easier to solve a problem that can be identified,
analyzed, or isolated when we can say, "This is what causes the
problem, this is where it happens, and why." Unfortunately,
domestic violence does not easily lend itself to scientific analysis.
Victims and abusers come from all races, religions, classes, ethnic
groups, socioeconomic levels, occupations, and backgrounds.
"Intelligent people let this happen too," psychologist Robert
Geffner, president of the Family Violence and Sexual Assault
Institute of Tyler, Texas, said in a 1994 Newsweek article. "What
goes on inside the home does not relate to what's outside it."
Also, appearances of the home to the outside world may be
deceiving. Even women who appear to be strong, financially
secure, and privileged may suffer from isolation, a history of
abuse, low self-esteem, or other factors not apparent beyond the
confines of the home.
As domestic violence has at last come to be viewed as a crime
and a social problem, scientists in various fields, including
psychology, sociology, law enforcement, and medicine, have
begun to study violent homes and the people who live in them.
Many questions remain, and not all
 Page 30
the experts agree on how to interpret and apply what has been
learned. But some answers have emerged that have proven very
useful in helping to understand the tragedy of family violence,
and in determining what can work to prevent and stop it.
In 1991, the American Psychological Association established a
task force on male violence against women. The task force has
emphasized that the problem cannot be fully understood, let
alone solved, by focusing exclusively on individual psychology.
There must be changes in the social institutions that have given
rise to the problem before any lasting solutions can be achieved.
As psychologist Carolina Yahne, Ph.D., observes, "Psychology's
tradition of focusing on the individual must not obscure social
and cultural dimensions."

The Violent Home: Dynamics of the Abusive Relationship

Those in violent relationships may also fight about the same
"flash-point" topics as non-violent couplesmoney, housekeeping,
parentingbut do not draw the boundaries that healthy couples do.
Social scientists and others studying domestic abuse have
discovered certain risk factors that help predict which homes are
more likely to become violent, and which individuals have
greater tendencies to become abusers or victims. These studies
are extremely valuable in helping prevent those prone to abuse
from becoming involved in it, and in understanding what
ingredients go into making an abusive home.
But these generalizations must be approached with care. The
scientists themselves stress the need for caution in using these
models, because they are imperfect and prone to
misunderstanding, as with any method that tries to reduce the
complexities of human behavior to neat formulas. It is essential
to remember that the lists of factors predict only characteristics
that mean domestic violence is more likely to happen. They do
not mean that all homes in which the factors are found will
become violent, or that those without them never will be. As we
all know from the media, as well as from our own experience,
domestic violence happens in "ideal" families, in which all
members have education,
 Page 31
money, and professional success. And plenty of large, blue-
collar, financially strapped homes remain peaceful and loving.
Richard J. Gelles, director of the family violence program at the
University of Rhode Island, has studied and written extensively
on the issues surrounding domestic violence. In an analysis
entitled "Men who batter: The Risk Markers," released in 1994,
he and his colleagues identified eleven risk factors for future
abuse in the home. The highest risk factor is previous
involvement with domestic violence. This, more than anything
else, serves as a red flag to warn of probable future violence.
Other factors include:
1. The man is unemployed
2. The man uses illegal drugs at least once a year
3. The man and woman are from different religious backgrounds
4. The man saw his father hit his mother
5. The couple cohabits but is not married
6. The man has a blue-collar occupation, if employed
7. The man did not graduate from high school
8. The man is between eighteen and thirty years old
9. Either person uses severe violence toward children in the
home
10. Income is below the poverty level
Gelles reports that homes with two of these ten specific factors
have twice the violence of those where none of these factors are
present. In homes with seven or more of these factors, violence
is forty times more likely than in homes without any.
It appears that unemployed men batter their wives at twice the
rate of those who are employed. However, while the incidence of
violence in low-income families seems to be significantly higher,
the statistics may not be accurate because of the far greater
amount of secrecy surrounding violence in middle- and upper-
income families. Such families are also more likely to seek
counseling or other private help.
Yet much also depends on the individuals in the home, and their
own unique way of relating to one another. The relationship
between a man and woman caught in an abusive relationship is
very complex. The single most important factor, present in all
such relationships, is one
 Page 32
partner's need to feel he or she absolutely controls the other. For
most couples, the violence begins with relatively minor incidents
and escalates in both frequency and brutality over time. Some
spend several years in an idyllic closeness, then things begin to
deteriorate. Others start the cycle of abuse very early, often while
they are dating.
Newer marriages seem to have a higher risk of violence, although
it can occur at any stage. The structure of the marriage also seems
to be significant. Families in households where decision making
is shared are less likely to be violent than those in which one
partner makes all the decisions.
Abuse usually starts with degrading behavior, insults, put-downs.
The man begins to convince the woman she is causing
unhappiness in the relationship, and that she needs to change.
Isolation often comes next, along with jealousy. He insists on
knowing her every move, under the guise that he loves her so
much he can't stand to be apart from her. The jealousy often
includes not only other men, but family, work, and friends as
wellanyone who takes her attention away from him, even
momentarily.
The verbal abuse usually escalates over time. An abuser often
projects his own failures and faults onto the victim. A typical
example is screaming at her in public for embarrassing him. He
may keep her continually occupied with catering to his needs so
she is constantly exhausted. Some batterers encourage their
partners to abuse alcohol or drugs, so they will become
dependent in yet another way.
Often, he will make her financially dependent by insisting on
controlling all of the family finances. She is required to turn over
her paycheck, quit her job, sell her car. Transportation is often a
big issue. Even very wealthy women have been kept penniless,
denied money for such necessities as medical bills, made virtual
prisoners. A friend recently told me about meeting a woman who
was herself a millionaireyet she had become trapped in a
relationship so violent that she had suffered a broken jaw and
broken ribs before she finally escaped.
Abusers often refuse to allow their victims money for new
clothes, haircuts, and personal maintenance, and in turn criticize
their appearance. They may convince their partners to commit
illegal acts or run up huge bills in their own names in order to
make them more insecure and
 Page 33
dependent. Abusers wage an insidious campaign to convince
women they are stupid, worthless, and the cause of everything
that's gone wrong. Often all these steps progress before physical
abuse begins. By this time, the woman is so demoralized that she
is, quite literally, a hostage. Her self-image and self-confidence
have been shattered. Her spirit is broken. Her sense of reality has
become so warped that she does not have the emotional
equipment to leave even if she does have access to shelters,
friends, family, and other support services.
Hard to believe? For those of us who have never been mistreated
in this way, it is almost beyond comprehension that such things
go on between people who have pledged to love and care for one
another. But it happensand it happens with chilling frequency.
Carol Jarvis, a twenty-eight-year-old high school teacher,
astonished long-time friends when she returned to her native
California after spending several years in Texaswhere she had
been trapped in a terrifying relationship with a brutal man. ''My
friends knew me as smart, gutsy, accomplished, always the
leader,'' she says. "They couldn't believe that I had become
involved with a man who battered me. But he was so good to me
at first, and the abuse really crept up slowlystarting with put-
downs and small acts of unkindness. Plus we moved out of state,
so I was away from everyone I knew. I had no friends, family,
no one around I felt I could talk to about what was going on
when he started beating me. It got to the point where I was truly
in fear for my life. I had to construct an elaborate plot to get
away. I stashed some money, organized the things I would take
with me, and waited until I was sure he would be at work all day,
since he often came home for lunch. I left as soon as he was out
of sight and just kept heading west. I didn't feel safe until I
crossed the New Mexico state line."
Fortunately, Carol reconnected with friends and family in her
hometown and built a satisfying life with a loving man. With this
support, she regained her confidence and became the successful
woman they remembered, returning to work in teaching and
social services and rekindling her old love of the theater. Many
formerly abused women report gaining a new lease on lifeif they
can survive, plan carefully (as Carol did), and break free.
 Page 34
What about mutually abusive relationships? Do they exist? Of
course there are relationships in which both partners exhibit
violent behavior, but according to those who have studied all
types of domestic violence, they are rare. In a relationship based
on power and control, only one partner can dominate. It appears
that when two abusive people get together, the relationship
usually ends quickly.
Some couples occasionally brawl, but the dynamics of their
relationship do not match those of what experts traditionally call
domestic violence, in which one partner clearly dominates. As
psychologist and author Lenore Walker, Ed.D., has explained,
battering is not a "fight" that involves two people. It doesn't arise
from a rational disagreement between people. Often, violence
will be triggered by something utterly insignificant, such as
knocking a paper cup to the floor, forgetting to turn off a light, or
nothing at all. Often, the abuser will wake a sleeping woman up
to beat her.
In some abusive relationships, the woman will try to defend
herself by fighting back. However, this is not a form of mutual
combat, but rather a fear-induced reaction to being attacked. The
mutually combative relationship, involving "fair fights" between
the parties, is both very unusual and distinct from the typical
abusive home.
Fighting back usually proves either ineffective or deadly, because
most abusers become more enraged if the victim tries to fight
back. Also, the man generally has an edge in size and strength, so
a victim who tries to use physical force against an aggressor is
frequently beaten more brutally or killed. Additionally, police
who are called to a scene in which both parties show signs of
injury often arrest both, although this is changing in many areas
as police receive training on the dynamics of abusive
relationships. A battered woman often finds that the only
effective way to defend herself is with a weapon, which can land
her in prison for the rest of her life, even in cases that appear to
fit the traditional requirements of self-defense. This separate
issue is discussed in chapter 6.
 Page 35

Why Does Domestic Violence Happen?

One of the most perplexing questions about domestic violence is
why? Most people today agree that men do not have the right to
beat their wives, and that those who do are committing a heinous
act. We realize that it is dangerous and emotionally destructive for
children to grow up in a violent home. We condemn family
violence, and praise the shelters, hotlines, and volunteers that try
to help the victims. We recognize it as a social problem. We want
the problem to go away, and wonder why it does not.
Dr. Walker has been one of the pioneers in the study of domestic
violence. Currently director of the Domestic Violence Institute in
Denver, she has been collecting and analyzing information since
the 1970s, and has conducted extensive research on the
psychology of battered women and the dynamics of abusive
relationships. She has authored many books on domestic
violence, including several editions of her landmark work, The
Battered Woman. One of her most famous discoveries, now
accepted by most experts, is the cycle of violence.
The Cycle of Violence
Dr. Walker found that in about two-thirds of violent homes, there
are three phases the couple goes through over and over, in a
circular pattern. The aspects of the violence may vary from home
to home, but the cycle almost always has these ongoing
components. First, tension builds. The man becomes edgy,
critical, irritable. The woman may go out of her way to try and
keep the peace during this period, "walking on eggshells" to try
and pacify him. She avoids anything she fears may set him off on
a tirade.
Meanwhile, he becomes gradually more abusive, often with
"minor" incidents such as slapping, verbal abuse, and increased
control techniques. The woman allows this behavior in a
desperate attempt to keep the abuse from escalating. Yet docile
behavior tends to legitimize his belief that he is all-powerful and
has a right to be abusive. She continues to try to control the
environment and the people around him, and her isolation
increases as she tries to keep things on an even keel. This
 Page 36
uncomfortable stage may last from a few days to a period of
years. Usually, both can sense the impending loss of control and
become more desperate, which only fuels the tension. Many
women feel that the psychological anguish of this stage is the
worst.
Then comes the second stage, the violent outburst with acute
battering. Often the man will fly into a rage and become violent
for no apparent reason, or a stated reason that seems petty or
irrational, such as his wife's cooking. Anything can be the catalyst
for the explosion, and the woman may not even be involvedshe
may be asleep or just walking in the door. The man flies into a
savage, destructive rampage, a total loss of control. Men in this
stage are extremely irrational. They often turn on anyone who
intervenes. This is one reason police are sometimes reluctant to
answer a domestic violence call, and another reason for good
police training.
After the brutality comes the loving contrition. It is a period of
profound relief for both partners. The man is remorseful and
apologetic, or, at the very least, nonviolent. He may beg
forgiveness, swear it will never happen again, and go out of his
way to be kind, tranquil, and loving. He will often promise to
change, bring his wife gifts, shower her with attention and
romantic gestures. As one woman said with the contempt of
hindsight, "He thought he could beat me, then take me to bed and
have sex with me, and that would make everything all right."
This phase explains a great deal about why women stay with
abusers. A woman will often believe the man is sincere, that this
is his "real" character, which he may himself believe at this time.
She sees what appears to be an ideal and loving partnership. Her
dreams are fulfilled, and she wants to believe it can work. Many
women feel that they are the sole source of the abuser's emotional
support, and feel responsible for his well-being. Dr. Walker
believes this phase may be the most psychologically victimizing,
because it perpetuates the illusion of interdependencehe depends
on her for forgiveness, she depends on the "real" man coming
back.
As the cycle repeats itself, denial plays an increasingly important
role. The woman may also believe that this really will be the last
time, that her partner will change. But unless something
changessuch as
 Page 37
intervention by someone outside the homethe cycle will start
again, and the abuse will almost surely become more severe.
These relationships rarely change for the better on their own.
Behavior scientists have long known that one of the best ways to
change behavior is through intermittent reinforcementoccasional,
unpredictable rewards. A batterer who intersperses abuse with
loving acts, courtship, and gifts is unwittingly using one of the
most powerful techniques for convincing the woman to stay with
him. Behavior that is intermittently reinforced is often the hardest
to stop.
Learned Helplessness
Learned helplessness is a psychological term first identified under
this name by psychologist Martin Seligman of the University of
Pennsylvania and used extensively by Dr. Walker and others
working with battered women.
Dr. Seligman studied both animals and people who had been
placed in environments where they were trapped without the
possibility of escape, and then subjected to random,
unpredictable torment. In one experiment, dogs were locked in
cages where they received occasional electric shocks from the
floor. At first, as would be expected, they tried to find a way to
escape. Eventually, however, they completely stopped trying to
find a way out and instead developed coping skills to try and
minimize the discomfort. These activities included things that
would otherwise be considered unhealthy or bizarre, such as
lying in their own excrement for insulation from the shocks and
curling into uncomfortable positions on the area of the floor
where the shocks were the weakest. Eventually, the coping
mechanisms completely replaced the normal escape responses.
Even when the doors were opened so the dogs had an immediate
means of escape, they did not leave the cages, but instead kept
using the coping responses. They had to be retrained to learn the
normal escape response. Once they did, the coping behaviors
disappeared.
With humans, thoughts play a larger part in the way people deal
with stressful situations, but the responses are similar. Constant
degradation,
 Page 38
unpredictability, and insecurity in the face of ever-increasing
violence is bound to distort the way a person views the world. A
woman who appears to have control over a situationa car in the
driveway and an unlocked doorbut who has been "trained" to
believe that she does not have choices, is more likely to try to
cope than to escape.
"Learned helplessness" is a somewhat misleading term because
the person does not actually learn to be helpless. Rather she
learns that she cannot predict the effect of her behavior, so she
must develop new coping skills. People experience great anxiety
in situations where they do not know what is expected of them or
what will happen from one moment to the next. Therefore, she is
likely to do what will give her the most predictability within a
known situation, and to avoid things that can send her into the
unknown. The familiar demons become less threatening than
those that are unknown.
The control skills used by a batterer have been found by
researchers to strongly resemble the brainwashing techniques
practiced by Nazi concentration camp soldiers and prisoner of
war guards. They include many of the behaviors identified by
Amnesty International as psychological torture, including
isolation, monopolization of perception, induced exhaustion and
debility, threats, occasional indulgences, demonstrations of
complete power, degradation and humiliation, and enforcing
trivial demands.
Of course, most batterers have no formal awareness of the
techniques they are using, yet they know how to use isolation,
torture, and violence to destroy the will and spirit of another
human being. As Dr. Richard Gelles stated in a 1994 Newsweek
article, "There's no better way to make people compliant than
beating them on an intermittent basis."
Victims of this kind of relentless torment understandably live in a
constant state of terror, which also contributes to learned
helplessness. They do not believe that any action they take will be
effective in stopping the violence, and their fear becomes so all-
encompassing it often crowds out other reactions, such as anger,
that would be natural under the circumstances. The fear is not
irrational; it is based on repeated brutality, and a very real fear for
their very lives. At the same time, their partners are terrified of
abandonment and willing to do anything to trap
 Page 39
their women. It is common for battered women to believe that
their abusers are capable of coming after them and finding them
no matter where they go.
Different Homes and Different Dynamics
These models are extremely helpful in understanding how
domestic violence happens, and especially in explaining why
women often believe they cannot leave. Again, however, it is
important to remember that the dynamics are somewhat different
in each family. In many, both a cycle of violence and learned
helplessness are present. In others, it seems one or the other is
present, but not both. It is likely that in those families where the
beatings occur more frequently, with little or no remorse or
respite for a honeymoon phase, learned helplessness plays a
greater role. Some experts believe that the honeymoon phase
would be better characterized as a period of acceptance, because
many men show no remorse after the beating, and instead adopt a
strong position of blaming the wife for "bringing on" a "justified
punishment." Not surprisingly, such men have the least chance of
benefiting from therapy or counseling, and seldom seek help
unless ordered to do so by a court.
In other families, beatings may happen as infrequently as every
two or three years, with long periods justifying the label,
"honeymoon phase." Yet these abusers proceed into an equally
long tension-building phase, in which they may become sullen,
angry, demanding, and verbally and emotionally abusive.
In addition to the psychological patterns and family dynamics
that go into making a violent home, there are many individual, as
well as practical, factors that contribute as well. Financial fears
are often crucial, especially when a woman has been kept out of
the work force or prevented from getting education or training.
Many women find themselves in a position in which they feel
they will be damned if they do and damned if they don't. People
keep saying "Why don't you leave?" and yet women on welfare
or public aid are also criticized for "milking" the system. There
should be no shame in turning to social supports when they are
neededthat is precisely why they existyet society
 Page 40
sometimes unfairly ostracizes those who take advantage of the
programs created to help them.

What Makes a Man Abusive?

Unlike victims, most abusers tend to share quite a number of
common traits, background factors, and behavior patterns.
Virtually all of the experts in the various fields who have studied
the dynamics of domestic violence and the abuser personality
agree that the goal of the abuser is power and control over his
partner. Also, abusive men almost universally deny or minimize
the abuse and blame the woman. As one psychologist
commented, "Abusers always make excuses. None are valid." A
batterer tells himself, his friends, the police, prosecutors, and his
victim that she was the instigator, that she brought it on, that if
not for her "bad" behavior, he would not have "had'' to beat her.
Acts of violence may be preceded by the absurd admonition,
"Don't make me hurt you."
Men who batter tend to be highly dependent on female partners
for emotional support, though most subscribe to the traditional
notion that men should not express emotions, and to do so
indicates weakness. Thus, the man who adopts a macho stoicism
that erupts into violence may actually be among the most
emotionally needy. The abusive man tries to take away his
partner's power, while at the same time giving her the ultimate
power to grant or deny him happiness by expecting her to make
everything in his world perfect. No woman can live up to the
expectations of a batterer, because they are, by definition,
impossible. When she "fails," he becomes enraged. This also
explains why the point of separation is often the most dangerous:
Abusive men have a terrible fear of abandonment, and become
desperate when they feel they could lose their partner. Over and
over, studies find that the men who exhibit dominating behavior
are in fact extremely insecure, vulnerable, and dependent. They
tend to be unreasonably jealous, both of other men and of
anyone or anything else that takes a partner's attention away from
themfamily, friends, work. One batterer threw a religious candle
that had special meaning for his wife through the screen of her
computer after he became irrationally convinced that she was
having an affair with another man via
 Page 41
the Internet. Another grabbed his girlfriend by her long hair and
cut it off because he believed another man was admiring it.
Abusers often have trouble accepting responsibility for their own
behavior, abusive and otherwise. They feel guilt and shame when
they lose control, yet try to justify, minimize, or deny their
behavior. They often come from families that were isolated and
cold, if not actually abusive, in which they learned to mistrust
outsiders and keep family business strictly private. Many were
raised to equate respect with fear. About half have chemical
dependencies of some kind, and many exhibit mental or
personality disorders such as lack of empathy, depression,
general hostility, and feelings of victimization. They tend to
invest their whole beings in their families, and virtually all are in
some kind of pain.
Researchers have found that many violent men lack basic social
skills, though they appear to function well outside the home.
They interpret innocent situations that arouse their jealousy as
having been done with hostile intent on the part of their wivesfor
example, when they see their wives talking with other men at
parties. They lack the ability to trust, often because they did not
have a secure attachment with a parent. They believe they can
only gain security against abandonment through control.
Those who abuse adult partners often grew up in homes marred
by violence between the adults, against the children, or both.
However, it is essential to remember that growing up in a violent
home does not guarantee that a man will become abusive. Many
violent homes produce children who grow up to be kind, gentle
adults. Many, many factors go into making up the personality of
the man with the potential to be brutal. The difficulty lies in
identifying what these factors are, and what combination
produces the violent individual. The patterns that do exist do not
cover all abusive homes. For example, Dr. Gelles has found that
men with less education and a lower income are more likely to be
abusers, but notes that some white-collar men also beat their
partners.
Dr. Walker has discovered that most batterers have a poor self-
image and low self-esteem, traits that are often found in battered
women, as well. Many abusive men are severely depressed. She,
too, has noted that many have traditional ideas about male
superiority and stereotypical sex
 Page 42
roles. They tend to be chronically jealous, react abnormally to
stress, and some are compulsive drinkers.
Some psychiatric researchers are experimenting with Prozac and
other antidepressant drugs to help abusers. Many do exhibit
symptoms of clinical depression, and early trials with these drugs
hold some promise. But most therapists agree that neither drugs
or therapy alone will cure an abuserthere must be accountability,
and acceptance by the abuser that he is responsible for his
actions. He must understand that his actions are wrong, and he
must recognize the need to change.
Another troubling but interesting factor that has been discovered
by psychologists studying batterers is the high incidence of head
injuries among these men as children. One study found that a
history of head injuries may increase the likelihood of abuse by
six times. However, researchers are quick to point out that
biological factors do not cause abusive behavior. Again, this is
but one factor in a complicated mix, and does not operate as an
excuse for violent behavior. A recent article in Psychology Today
compared domestic violence to "a very strange onion." It is a
product of many forces, operating at many levels, between the
individual abuser and his environment. Biological, cognitive,
psychological, behavioral, and cultural forces may all play a part
in shaping the man who batters.
Some psychologists who have studied men who batter divide
them into two or three groups, depending upon their patterns of
abusewhether they are intermittent or nearly constantand their
personality traits. Family psychologist and behaviorist Neil
Jacobson, Ph.D., of the University of Washington, has studied the
physical reactions of couples in violent relationships as they
discuss topics that generally lead to violence. He found that in
one group of batterers, about 20 percent of those he studied seem
to get inwardly calm when they become abusive. Their violence
is not triggered by rage or emotion. Most of these men identified
in Dr. Jacobson's study witnessed extreme violence between their
parents.
The National Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta has
been conducting a detailed study on what actually helps batterers
stop abusive behavior. The study has classified three types of
abusers. First is
 Page 43
the traditional batterer, who follows the cycle of violence. Second
is the episodic batterer, who erupts into violence on rare
occasions. Third is the rapid cycler, whose violent incidents
escalate rapidly. This is the group that is often violent outside the
home, and includes those who get into bar fights, and commit
sexual assaults and other violent acts. The third type is the least
likely to benefit from counseling.
Other psychologists identify a small but dangerous group, similar
to the CDC's third category, as men who have an antisocial
personality disorder and are frequently violent with others
outside the home as well. Several leading scientists, using
different theories and methods, have found the same number of
men, about 20 percent, that are somehow different from the
others in their reactions, their behavior outside the home, and
high degree of dangernot only to their female partners, but to
others as well. This seems to be the main characteristic that sets
this group apart. The vast majority of batterers are only violent at
home, against their wives and often their children.
Both those who have studied abusers and those who have lived
with them almost always recognize a ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"
aspect to the man's personality. Abusers often seem to be two
different people. Many are successful on the job, handsome,
well-liked, charming, and kind in public. Usually, both sides are
seen in the home, but only the pleasant, "regular guy" is seen by
outsiders. Abusers often work hard to hide their battering from
the outside world. ''He'd hit me where it wouldn't show, or if it
did, he wouldn't let me leave the house until the marks were
gone," says one woman who was married to an abusive man for
over twenty-five years.
Many abusive relationships also have another side, one that is
very positive, romantic, and loving, whether or not they follow
the cycle of violence with its characteristic honeymoon phase.
Couples in abusive relationships sometimes have the sense of
having a very deep and special connection. Ironically, this
positive side of the abuser's personality actually may contribute to
the continuing violence in two ways. First, friends of the couple
who have never seen the man's "Mr. Hyde" persona may not
believe the woman when she tells them he beats her. Second, she
herself falls prey to his loving side, which often makes its
strongest
 Page 44
appearance after an attack, when he is apologizing, trying to
make it up to her, swearing it will never happen again.
Some experts also believe abusers have a kind of "radar" that
enables them to spot women they will more likely be able to
abuse. Both professionals and abuse survivors have pointed to
this odd quirk over and over. It does make sense that a man with
a strong need to control a partner, one who has traditional ideas
about the dominant role of the male in the family, would tend to
seek out a partner who, at least on some level, exhibits traits of
passivity or vulnerability.
There is a persistent myth that stress turns men into abusers; that
men under pressure from financial strain, emotional upheaval,
unemployment, or other difficulties hit a breaking point and start
lashing out at whoever is handy. While it is true that stress often
contributes to the tension that leads to an outburst in a violent
man, stress does not make otherwise peaceful men suddenly
become abusers. The explosive combination of a need to control,
dependency, domination, and the other ingredients that make up
the abuser personality must already be in place before stress
ignites the fuse that leads to battering.
An otherwise stable, nonviolent man does not become an abuser
because of difficult circumstances. Men do not batter because
they're insecure, angry, facing financial difficulty, poor
communicators, or feel trapped in an unhappy marriage. Plenty
of men with these problems never beat their mates. Most
batterers are selectively abusive. At least 80 percent are not
violent outside the home. Rather than turning their anger toward
the real source of their frustration, such as the company that laid
them off or the driver who hit their car, abusers select the people
they believe they can control.
A batterer has his own warped agenda, in which he places the
full responsibility for his happiness or unhappiness on the
woman in his life. He feels that by controlling "his" woman and
"training" her to do what he wants, all his needs can be met.
Obviously, a woman living with such a man is in a no-win
situation. No matter how hard she tries, she can never make the
world perfect for him. Yet he expects no less.
Ironically, while violence can certainly be an effective way for an
abuser to gain short-term control over his partner, it usually fails
in the
 Page 45
long run, because most women do eventually break free of
abusersor are killed. Thus he ultimately brings about the one
thing he fears most: abandonment.
The Battered Woman
Unlike abusive men, battered women share few common
characteristics. Low self-esteem, a poor self-image, and a
childhood marred by abuse or neglect are found in many abuse
victims, but not all. Women with little education or work
experience, who married young, who have small children, or
who have limited earning capacity may be more susceptible to the
practical, economic constraints of an abusive home. Yet women
with high-powered, lucrative, successful careers and plenty of
friends, money, and prestige also fall prey to abusive partners. It
happens to women of remarkable talent, fame, and achievement,
like Tina Turner, who endured nearly twenty years of brutal
abuse from her husband Ike before walking out in an unfamiliar
city with thirty-six cents in her pocket. Sometimes victims who
are educated in the dynamics of battering even recognize the
cycle, see the typical behavior of the victim in themselves, yet
still believe the abuse is their fault.
Psychologists who have worked with battered women say that
the stereotype of the victim as fragile, passive, docile, and self-
deprecating is often inaccurate. In many abusive homes, the
woman is by far the more functional of the partners. Many do
stand up to violence, try anything they can think of to try and
stop it, but discover they cannot.
Furthermore, most battered women do not stay. Up to 75 percent
of those reporting abuse have left and are being stalked,
harassed, and assaulted by former husbands or boyfriends. Yet
many women do remain or leave and then go back; it often takes
a battered woman several tries to leave a relationship for good. A
popular (and degrading) myth is that women who stay must be
masochists who enjoy being abused. This is one factor the
experts agree is not common in battered women.
One very rational reason why women stay is fear. A battered
woman is more likely to get killed when she tries to leave than at
any other time in the relationship. Sherry, a social worker now in
her forties, says that
 Page 46
her first husband only beat her when she threatened to leave him.
She was still in her teens when they were married, and they lived
in a remote rural area. She had no car of her own, so she had to
play the role of loving wife until he was away and she could
arrange for a family member to come pick her up. Her story is
very common.
Abusers often tell their victims, "If you leave, I'll see that you
never see your kids again." Abusive men are almost never
awarded sole custody of their children, but women who have not
had the opportunity to learn about the law often don't realize this.
Some of the most evil abusers use their own children as a
weapon against their wives or girlfriends, threatening or actually
abusing the children if the woman does not meet their ideal
standards. One survivor recalled that her abuser threatened to kill
or injure not only her, but her children and other family members
as well if she tried to leave him. He also refused to let her work
outside the home, and controlled what little money she earned
sewing for others. Yet she was still asked why she didn't leave
him sooner.
Social factors must also be considered. Most women are raised to
believe that the woman is the primary caretaker of the family, the
member responsible for "holding things together." We are also
taught from the days of childhood that "Love conquers all."
Many women believe on some level that if only they love a man
enough, they can "save" him and he will change. Those who stay
learn that he will not.
Women who find themselves in an abusive relationship with a
man they know was mistreated as a boy often feel sorry for him,
and want to help him heal. Such nurturing comes naturally for
most women, and fits the role most were taught. Yet with an
abuser, it will never work. The only thing that will help him is to
hold him accountable and insist the abuse stop. To allow it to
continue only perpetuates the misery.
Again, it is difficult to separate the psychology behind abuse
from the cultural and social influences that shape us all. Many
women still feel they must have a man to be a whole person.
Social pressures also subtly encourage women to stay with their
abusers. Despite the fact that only about 10 percent of American
families today consist of the traditional mother, father, and their
natural children living under the same roof, this remains the ideal
to which we aspire, and anything else seems less
 Page 47
desirable. Our culture places a great deal of importance on
"having a man." Ridiculous rumors about a desperate shortage of
men, such as the myth that circulated a few years ago that the
likelihood of marriage for a woman over forty is about the same
as a terrorist attack, feed not only the fear of loneliness but the
disproportionate importance of being a part of the traditional
family. Especially if an abusive relationship follows the cycle of
violence that includes a honeymoon phase, some women come to
believe it's worth putting up with the abuse because there's
nothing better available. Others believe that their children will
suffer if the parents divorce, and that any father is better than no
father at all. Research and experience have shown that such
assumptions are wrong, yet they persist.
Women in violent relationships often use a special coping
mechanism, a particular species of denial called "minimizing."
They downplay the serious nature of their circumstances, tell
themselves: It's no big deal; nothing's wrong that I can't fix; I can
hold things together. The victim's family may also deny or
minimize the abuse, as a coping mechanism of their own.
Virtually all experts agree that if family violence is ever to be
stopped, prevention is key. Dr. Gelles suggests several specific
changes in social attitudes that could help achieve this goal,
recognizing that these require fundamental, long-term efforts.
First, elimination of norms that tolerate or glorify violence as
acceptablespanking, media violence, acceptance of guns, capital
punishment. Second, reduction of contributing stresses such as
poverty, inequality, discrimination, unemployment, and lack of
basic human needs. Third, reduction of social isolationmore
integration of families into community and kinship networks.
Fourth, changed concepts of sexist roles delineating "men's
work" and "women's work." Fifth, breaking the cycle of violence
in the family by the elimination of physical punishment and other
means of teaching children that violence in the home is
acceptable.
Financial pressures are also a very real obstacle for many women
who want to leave, but question their ability to provide for
themselves, and especially for their children. In the first year after
divorce, a woman's standard of living usually drops, some
estimate by as much as 73 percent,
 Page 48
while a man's improves by up to 42 percent. Forty-five percent of
all families headed by single mothers live below the poverty line.
The persistent wage gap between the earnings of men and
women, the problems faced by working mothers, and the glass
ceiling that shuts women out of more lucrative positions still
plague women in the work force. Even among professionals,
many families today need two incomes to maintain a comfortable
standard of living.
Yet most women who leave, even those with limited job skills,
find ways to make ends meet and build a new and much better
life for themselves and their children. When women are freed
from the demands and exhaustion of simply surviving in an
abusive relationship, their energy can be put to better use. Many
experience the freedom to find their true calling for the first time,
and amaze themselves with what they learn they can accomplish.
More and more services are becoming available to help women
who are suddenly single, not only to survive but to flourish.
It appears that some professional women, or those married to
white-collar males, may be less likely to leave than their more
impoverished counterparts. Dr. Lenore Walker has studied
battered women at all socioeconomic levels and has found that a
poor woman is more likely to have contact with community
social service agencies, and to be more aware of the help that is
available. She may also have prior experience using such
services, and finds a much lower stigma attached to seeking help
in her community than a middle- or upper-class woman.
In contrast, women who are themselves professionals or are
married to men who are successful, respected, and visible in the
community are less likely to seek outside help for several
reasons. Many fear that no one will believe them, or that a
powerful husband will be defended by those with ties to him.
This is a rational fear; police officers in some communities have
complained that men with power or political ties do not get
prosecuted after arrest. This image of the husband as all-
powerful also feeds the perception that the wife cannot leave, and
if she does, he will track her down or use his connections to
bring her back.
Also, affluent women are more ashamed to admit to problems in
the family, fearing they will be condemned or ostracized by the
social community. Mary Blick, R.N., an obstetrical nurse in a
prosperous,
 Page 49
small midwestern city works in a hospital that serves a large
number of middle- and upper-class women, plus a group of
public-aid patients. "The women from white-collar homes are
very unlikely to say that they are abused," she says. "They're
ashamed. The public-aid patients are more apt to admit to being
battered, and usually do so earlier, because they are screened for
abuse when they visit our free prenatal clinics. Many private
physicians don't ask about abuse unless there is some indication
of a problem and, even then, many don't screen for battering. So
our public-aid patients actually get better screening, care, and
services when it comes to abuse."
Also, the white-collar world tends to have an insular effect.
Charlotte Fedders, a battered wife who was married to a high-
powered government lawyer, writes in her book, Shattered
Dreams that other families she knew looked fine from the
outside, she had never encountered family violence, and she
couldn't imagine any other husband hitting his wife. This
reinforced her isolation, and her belief that she must be a terrible
wife who somehow brought her problems on herself.
One survivor from a middle-class family discussed her reaction
to persistent inquiries of "Why didn't you leave?" from those who
learned after she was divorced that she had been battered for
many years. "Number one is pride. You have all this self-
recrimination. You don't want to admit to anyone that this goes
on in your home. Number two is that he's such a nice guy to the
outside world, nobody would believe you if you did try to tell
them."
Some experts say the risk of being battered has little to do with
the woman and nearly everything to do with who she chooses as
a mate. Professionals who work with battered women report
treating professors, models, professional athletes, heiresses,
lawyers, doctors, actresses, royalty, psychologists, and business
executives. The only trait all share in common is that they are
female.
Karla M. Digirolami, managing director of Digirolami Associates,
a consulting firm specializing in assisting public agencies,
nonprofit organizations, and the corporate and business
communities in domestic violence training and program
development, has written that there is no profile that will predict
whether a woman will be battered, and that any
 Page 50
self-esteem problems observed in battered women are likely the
result of the battering by a partner who has so degraded,
criticized, and manipulated his partner that she has come to
question her competence or value in the world. She urges us to
consider the remarkable degree of strength and resiliency it takes
to calmly show up at a job, child's school function, or other
everyday event and perform as if life is normal only hours after
surviving unspeakable brutality in one's own home.
However, scientists have learned that women who stay in abusive
relationships for long periods tend to share certain personality
traits and risk factors. According to Robert Geffner, Ph.D., these
may include low self-esteem, a background of an abusive family
life, alcohol or drug abuse problems, passivity in relationships,
dependency, and a high need for approval, attention, and
affection. The more of these factors an individual has, the more
likely she will be a candidate for an abusive relationship. Yet
women who have few or none of these characteristics also
become abuse victims.
Dr. Lenore Walker has found that many abused women have a
poor self-image and low self-esteem. They also tend to have
traditional ideas about what constitutes a woman's achievement,
and base their feelings of self-worth on how they view their
capacity to be a good wife and homemaker, even if they have an
outside career as well. Many abused women were battered or
neglected as children, many were victims of incest. These women
had little or no concept of normal family intimacy developed in
childhood that they could bring to adult relationships. Being hurt
by those who were supposed to love and protect is nothing new.
Yet girls raised in loving, peaceful families also grow up to be
abused women. One of my friends has often expressed her
frustration over her inability to understand how her sister could
have become an abused woman, when the family was stable and
close, and the other siblings would never tolerate abuse from a
partner. "Something in her is different, or something happened to
her in her life that affected her in ways we don't know about,"
she says. "I guess all we can do is keep telling her she shouldn't
take it, we're here for her when she needs our help and is ready
to accept it."
 Page 51
Women who are candidates for learned helplessness often share
common traits in their histories. Through her research, Dr.
Walker has identified five factors from childhood and seven from
adulthood that can help predict and identify learned helplessness
in individuals. The five childhood factors include:
1. Witnessing or experiencing battering in the home
2. Sexual abuse or molestation as a child or teenager
3. Critical periods in which the child experienced a loss of
control due to such things as the loss of the alcoholism of a
parent, frequent moves, or situations such as poverty that caused
shame
4. Stereotyped, rigidly traditional sex-role training
5. Health problems or chronic illness
The adult factors that usually occur during the battering
relationship are:
1. A pattern of violence, especially one that follows the cycle of
violence and/or an escalation in the frequency and severity of
abuse
2. Sexual jealousy
3. Other jealousy, mistrust, possessiveness, and isolation
4. Threats to kill or injure the woman
5. Psychological torture (as defined by Amnesty International)
6. Knowledge of other violent acts by the man, including
violence toward children, pets, other animals, or inanimate
objects
7. Alcohol or drug abuse by the man or the woman
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and the Battered Woman
Syndrome
People who experience severe and unexpected trauma or
repeated, unpredictable exposure to abuse often develop
psychological symptoms that may affect their ability to function
long after the original trauma is over. They may believe that they
are essentially helpless, that they lack the power to change their
situation. They often develop coping responses that take the place
of the type of active response that would normally be expected
under the circumstancesfor instance, escaping a
 Page 52
painful situation. The world stops making sense, and the person
becomes literally incapable of trying to change it; she chooses
only the responses she believes will protect her from further
suffering. This can lead to a learned helplessness response, as
discussed throughout the chapter, or another syndrome, called
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This type of psychological
injury is often seen in people who have suffered prolonged
isolation and mistreatment in an abnormal situation, such as
combat veterans and hostages. PTSD may be brought on by a
single, extremely traumatic event. Yet its consequences are often
more severe in people such as battered women, prisoners of war,
abused children, and hostages because of prolonged terror and
abuse.
The battered woman syndrome (BWS) has been considered by
Dr. Lenore Walker as a subcategory of PTSD. It is marked by
significant changes in the way victims of the syndrome think, act,
and behave.
For a clinical diagnosis of the battered woman syndrome, Dr.
Walker states that four criteria must be met:
1. A traumatic stressor exists, which is a source of extreme stress
outside the scope of the unhappy, but common experiences most
people face in life, such as the death of a loved one, illness, or
the breakup of a relationship. Spouse abuse is accepted as such a
traumatic stressor.
2. The individual experiences past-traumatic events again without
intentionally thinking about them, in the form of nightmares,
flashbacks, or intrusive thoughts about the previous trauma.
When this happens, the person feels a loss of control and a sense
of powerlessness.
3. There is a numbness of emotions and an avoidance of
anything that reminds the person of the abuse. Not surprisingly,
this can lead to problems in relationships with others, isolation,
and a loss of interest in other people and social activities. Victims
come to believe that their abuser will find out everything they do
and think.
4. The presence of any two or more specific symptoms indicating
a higher than normal arousal response, such as generalized
anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, sexual problems, hypervigilance
to cues of further violence (indications of being easily startled,
such as jumping when touched), suspiciousness, sleep problems,
irritability, and outbursts of anger.
 Page 53
Dr. Walker explains that it is essential to recognize the battered
woman syndrome as a terrified human being's normal response
to an abnormal, dangerous situation. It is not a form of mental
illness.
Another interesting theory, noted by psychologist Susan
Forward, suggests that women who stay in violent relationships
may be suffering from what is known as the ''Stockholm
syndrome.'' This is a syndrome that was first identified by
sociologists who studied a group of people who had been held as
hostages during a bank holdup in Sweden. Oddly, when the crisis
was over, the hostages defended their captors, and projected
positive motives onto them for their crimes. The sociologists
found a tendency in such people to do this in order to try and
find safety in a dangerous situation. This could help explain why
battered women sometimes buy into their abuser's statements that
he is trying to make her better, punishing her for "her own good"
so that she can become a better person.
People suffering from these disorders are not considered
mentally ill, though many psychologists feel that professional
counseling is important to help the victim fully recover and begin
to enjoy life again. Usually, when a woman gets free of the
abusive home, the "abnormal" coping behavior disappears,
although she may suffer other long-term effects of having been
traumatized.
Looking at the psychological effects of prolonged battering adds
a whole new dimension to the question, "Why doesn't she leave?"
A woman living in an abusive home may be subjected to both
intermittent reinforcement and learned helplessness, two of the
most powerful control techniques, either of which could be
sufficient to distort her perception of reality to the point that she
is completely unable to do what is generally considered to be
"normal" behavior. This enhances the common belief among
abused women that there is something wrong with them. PTSD
can cause severe difficulty in coping with everyday challenges.
Psychologists have described PTSD as one of the most accurate
diagnoses to explain common aftereffects of domestic violence. It
is not a form of "craziness," but rather a normal response to
abnormal life events. Yet it can render a person incapable of
accessing her inner resources to make a change.
 Page 54
A woman living with a batterer is caught up in a very complex
relationship that can trap her emotionally. The "honeymoon
phase" of Dr. Walker's cycle of violence can be every bit as
insidious as the violence. A woman who wants to hold her family
together is presented with the ideal manthe ardent lover, the
generous provider, the Prince Charming of her girlhood dreams.
It is easy to see how she can become blinded by the false hope
that this time he means it, he really will change. Then the tension
starts building again.
Even when the honeymoon phase is brief, or where there are
merely short respites from violence, it allows the woman an
opportunity to become numb to the reality of the situation. As the
cycle continues, the woman becomes physically and mentally
exhausted. The control tactics can virtually destroy her ability to
think clearly. Her perceptions are distorted to the point where she
believes she is incompetent, she deserves to be abused, and that
she can't leave.
Battered women who manage to keep an optimistic outlook may
have an even more difficult time breaking free. They often keep
hoping, praying, and trying to change themselves, convinced that
the relationship will get better and the abuse will stop. One
woman compared loving an abuser with the love a mother feels
for her childreneven when they're "bad," you still love them.
Having come from an unstable background, this woman found it
especially difficult to leave her abuser when he offered her two
young sons attention and affection and 95 percent of the time
made her happier than she had ever been. He worked two jobs to
support the family, and still found time to clean the apartment
and take the boys to the park. But when his brutality surfaced, he
became a monster who left her with a broken eardrum and scars
covering her body. When she finally left him for good, this
woman acknowledged that she was better off, even lonely and
living in a homeless shelter.
What about women who do get out? Is there one particular event
that triggers their decision to leave? Many do leave at the first
sign of violence. For others, there is a last straw, some specific
action or information that changes their perception of the
situation. Often, it is a direct threat to their children. One woman
decided to leave when her husband began beating her as she held
their two-month-old baby.
 Page 55
Another heard her husband making inappropriate remarks about
sex to their thirteen-year-old daughter, and when she confronted
him, he threw an iron skillet at her headat which point she left
forever with her purse, her daughter, and a little over a dollar in
change. One woman began taking steps toward leaving when her
eight-year-old son started making degrading, disrespectful
remarks to herjust like he heard his father doing.
Other women take action when they suddenly realize their life
could be in danger. One began packing after a friend showed her
a news story detailing the gruesome murder of a woman by her
abusive husband and bluntly stated, "This could be you." Time
reported that in the week after O. J. Simpson was charged with
the murder of his ex-wife and her friend, calls to domestic
violence hotlines across the nation surged to record numbers. In
Los Angeles, calls increased by 80 percent. Sometimes a dramatic
event is required for a woman to realize the potential meaning of
"Til death do us part."
For some, a new sense of empowerment from getting a job,
earning a degree, or improving their financial resources triggers
the change. Some concrete achievement gives them the
confidence that they can survive on their own. The first time a
woman stands up to her abuser and demands he stop may give
her a sense of power, something to build upon until she has
gathered all the resources she needs to leave.
Sometimes it happens when an acquaintance or physician sees
the scars and bruises and expresses horror, or doubts the old
story about walking into a door. Some seem to hit an emotional
rock bottom, then slowly find the light at the surface that draws
them out. "I felt dead insideI couldn't fight back, and I couldn't
feel sorry for him any more," said one woman.
Not all women pack up and flee the moment this new reality hits
them. But most take some positive step that signals a turning
pointcalling a hotline, seeking counseling, filing for divorce,
picking up a book on domestic violence at the library. The most
important aspect is the altered view of her life, which many
compare to an awakening, that leads to the first step taken toward
change.
Dr. Gelles found that women who sought help or left violent men
 Page 56
tended to experience more frequent or severe violence,
experienced less violence as children, and usually had more
education or job skills than those who stayed. Yet all who have
studied family violence caution against oversimplification, and
stress the fact that many factors go into the making of a violent
home: personal, cultural, social, learned behaviors, the
environment inside and outside the family, expectations, and
history.
Women who suffer abuse over long periods of time can be
injured in many different ways. Death and severe physical injury
are not unusual, with battering now the number one cause of
injury to all American women between the ages of fifteen and
forty-four. Extreme psychological damage is also possible, and
may be so severe that it is utterly debilitatingespecially when
post-traumatic stress syndrome occurs.
Even women who have left violent relationships early, and who
appear to have none of the more severe problems, report various
aftereffects that mar their ability to enjoy life. Many suffer from a
vague fear of nonthreatening situations, overreaction to minor
disturbances, or the feeling of being stalked by a known or
unknown menace. Many remain anxious, jumpy, sick with fear,
and terrified of men for months or even years after getting the
abuser out of their lives. When they are able to form new
relationships with men, many react with involuntary terror at
innocuous or even affectionate gestures, such as when the man
walks up behind them and touches them. Therefore, most experts
recommend some form of therapy as beneficial for any woman
who has suffered domestic abuse.
Complicating Factors in the Abusive Relationship
Domestic violence occurs in all kinds of homes. In some, other
factors, such as geographic location, race, immigrant status, or
sexual orientation, present special complications that change the
picture in some way. Many of these families face special
challenges.
 Page 57
Rural Women
Women in rural areas are presented with a host of unique
circumstances. In addition to a lack of special services for
domestic violence victims, such as shelters, many suffer from a
lack of basic amenities such as reliable telephone systems, 911
service, reliable roads, available transportation, sources of child
care, social services, even gas for vehicles. Those who have
spent their lives in rural settings or small communities often feel
uncomfortable or intimidated by larger cities, and may be
reluctant to travel to seek help. In some areas, the criminal justice
system remains mired in a "good old boy network" that condones
inefficiency, backward attitudes, and resistance to change.
Women in farm or ranch families may also be concerned for land
or livestock that depend on them for care. Sparse population
means a long distance between neighbors, and contributes to
psychological feelings of isolation. Just getting around may be
difficult and, in many places, mobility ceases in bad weather.
Migrant farm workers face all of these problems, in addition to
the stress and isolation of constantly moving, long hours,
poverty, substandard housing, and language barriers.
Yet grassroots organizers in rural areas continue the pioneer spirit
of their forebears in new ways. The strong women who settled
outlying areas and adapted to the harsh conditions provide an
inspiring heritage that is still evident in many country
communities. Volunteers in rural areas are usually sensitive to the
special needs of the women they serve. Community spirit tends
to be strong when people decide to work on a problem together,
although most programs have only a few volunteers who must
wear many hats.
Cooperation between various public and private agencies is
especially important in rural programs, as is training that stresses
what has changed, and what works, in other communities with
similar needs and problems. Communication and rapport among
different individuals and groups seem especially important in the
neighborly yet skeptical atmosphere of many small towns. One
advocate from a small southern rural community reported that
the volunteers spent a good deal of time just "hanging out
 Page 58
with the good old boys," building relationships that ranged from
tolerance to friendship. As in most settings where people with
diverse views must work together, rapport and a constant
building of trust are essential. Local power structures need to be
shown that ending violence in homes is an important, common
goal, that domestic violence is indeed a serious problem in the
eyes of their fellow professionals as well as the people of the
community, and that something has been done about it in similar
areas.
Rural communities often take pride in self-reliance and may be
reluctant to seek government funding for local projects, so local
involvement and support become especially crucial. One rural
Virginia group effectively used a community development
approach to set up a shelter in only three months. It approached
individuals, civic clubs, merchants, and other local groups for
both financial and volunteer support. Even the most conservative
groups came forth with help, and together the community
provided a house, renovation materials, food, clothing, utilities,
furniture, and human services. Not only did the town experience
pride in its ownership of the project, it also became aware of the
problem of domestic violence and its importance, as well as the
need for continuing education and attention.
Older Women
According to an AARP report, older women who are abused by
their husbands or partners face the problems of both battered
wives and abused elders, yet may be falling through the cracks in
both the elder abuse and domestic violence communities. When
the AARP planned a forum to bring together professionals from
both areas to discuss how to constrain this problem, a small
article in the AARP forum seeking input from older battered
women drew an alarming response. More than five hundred
letters arrived during the first month, including letters from
women in their 80s who had suffered abuse for as long as 50
years. Many reported that they had sought help from various
professionals, including the police and the clergy, only to be told
the abuse was their fault. Abused elders are more likely to
continue to live with their abusers than younger victims. Older
women of color reported additional barriers and greater difficulty
getting help.
 Page 59
Following the forum, the AARP urged that certain changes be
made to make assistance more available to older women,
including shelters that take into account the special needs of older
women, with special attention to rural communities and
multicultural considerations; better outreach and dissemination of
information to older women through such places as senior
centers, health clinics, and public benefits offices; coordination
between the elder abuse and domestic violence communities; and
advocacy programs to provide a supportive sister-to-sister or
"buddy" network between recently and formerly battered women.
The AARP Women's Initiative has developed a directory of
services for older battered women, "Spouse/Partner Abuse in
Later Life: A Resource Manual for Service Providers." The
manual, which provides information on domestic violence and
offers strategies for outreach, detection, and intervention as well
as program development and a listing of resources, is available
from the AARP Women's Initiative (see the appendix).
Battering in Black Relationships
In her book Chain, Chain, Change: For Black Women in
Abusive Relationships, Evelyn C. White says that the experience
of domestic violence is different for Black women. She explains
that in the African American culture, women are often viewed as
both subhuman and superhuman. They are expected to be
monoliths of strength, yet are scorned as inferior. These
stereotypes can contribute to a woman's feelings of confusion,
insecurity, and inferiority caused by abuse. Unfortunately, Black
women, perhaps more often than battered women of other races,
often see the abuse as something to be ashamed of, rather than
something to overcome. White urges Black women to look at the
situation differently, and to realize that no amount of good
cooking, love, or attention will stop an abusive man.
Many Black women have a tendency to put the needs of others
before their ownespecially the needs of their male partners. White
points out that Black men are more scarce in the community than
Caucasian men due to the higher incidence of early death, plus
unnaturally high rates of unemployment and incarceration. Black
women may
 Page 60
be more likely to endure an abusive relationship to keep a man.
White emphasizes that remaining in such a relationship does
neither partner any favor. She states that it is important to hold a
partner accountable for the injuries he inflicts, both to end the
woman's own pain and to stop him from engaging in behavior
that is destructive to her, the family, and himself. She urges
women to move beyond a victimized status, to take responsibility
for themselves, and to make their partners do the same.
Also, the presence of racism, especially in institutions designed to
deal with domestic violence such as law enforcement, courts, and
social service agencies may add to the tension and frustration.
Some research suggests that women of color are less likely than
White women to use shelters and similar services, relying instead
on family, friends, or the health care system. Other societal
factors unique to the Black experience may also be partially to
blame. White says that Black men often experience a sense of
powerlessness in society, which contributes to an abuse of power
in the family.
Black author Rosemary Bray, writing in Ms. about growing up in
a violent home, describes how her father used to say that
"nobody was ever going to run all over him." Yet, at that time,
she says, White people were free to run all over him, and by the
time the changes of the 1960s began, his hopes and possibilities
were behind him. All that remained was his familythe only
people he believed he could control.
Recent statistics indicate that domestic violence in Black homes is
declining. Yet it is still far too common. Black women are three
times more likely to be murdered in domestic violence than white
women. Evelyn White urges abused Black women to talk about
the pressures they feel and share experiences with other Black
women who have enduredand overcomesimilar issues. Support
groups that meet at shelters or other social service centers in
predominantly Black areas can provide this type of interaction.
 Page 61
Other Minorities
Battered women in other minority groups also face special
problems. Cultural factors, ethnic traditions, and isolation may
contribute to abuse in relationships. For example, Jewish women
sometimes face both stereotyping within their own community as
well as anti-semitic attitudes and accusations. Traditional Jewish
religious law may also pose obstacles for a woman seeking
separation or divorce, yet wishing to remain a part of her
religious sect. Many of the groups listed in the appendix provide
special materials, information, referrals, and assistance targeted
toward minority women, including Latinas, Jewish women,
Asians, and Native Americans. Domestic violence coalitions in
states with large populations of specific ethnic groups often
provide special services and materials as well. The Duluth
Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, for example, publishes a
wealth of materials about violence in Native American families.
Additionally, articles and books dealing with the special needs of
minority women are listed in the Resources and Suggested
Readings section.
Immigrant and Refugee Women
Women who are not legal U.S. citizens are sometimes reluctant to
seek services because they believe they will be sent away or
turned over to the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS).
However, shelters and medical providers generally keep
information provided to them confidential, and police seldom
turn in a woman reporting domestic violence to the INS. A
woman need not be a citizen or legal permanent resident to get a
protective order. In addition to shelter workers, court personnel,
and legal aid providers, immigrant women may be able to get
help from an immigrant advocacy group. Public aid, housing,
food, and other services should also be available regardless of a
woman's status, though laws may vary from state to state. An
immigrant woman can also get a divorce, although this may
affect her residency status, depending upon the circumstances.
Under the 1994 Federal Violence Against Women Act, special
protections are provided for aliens, including suspension of
deportation for battered spouses and children. Any woman
 Page 62
concerned about her current status and how various steps she
may wish to take could affect that status should consult an
immigration attorney or other qualified advisor. The National
Coalition Against Domestic Violence produces a pamphlet
especially for immigrant and refugee women. The National
Network for Battered Immigrant Women trains service providers
to help battered immigrant women identify lawyers who will
work pro bono (without charge) to help them gain legal status to
remain in the United States. For more information, contact the
National Immigration Project at (617) 227-9727. The address and
telephone of the NCADV, and other organizations that can help,
are listed in the appendix.
Battering in Same-Sex Relationships
Many of the experts studying the widespread nature of domestic
violence believe the problem may be even more common among
gay and lesbian couples. The National Coalition Against
Domestic Violence estimates that battering may occur in as many
as one in three same-sex relationships.
According to a report published by the National Lesbian and Gay
Health Foundation, battering in same-sex relationships is similar
to violence in heterosexual relationships in many ways. Abuse in
homosexual relationships can be physical, sexual, or emotional; it
often occurs in a cyclical fashion; it can be lethal; its purpose is
power and control of one partner over another; routine
intimidation may be used to gain power; the abused person feels
isolated; and the victim often believes it is his or her fault.
However, important differences exist. Gays and lesbians in
violent relationships usually have much more difficulty in finding
appropriate support. Those who do use existing services must
necessarily reveal their sexual preference to others, although most
shelters and related services will keep information about those
who seek help confidential. However, this may still mean
confronting a major life decision an individual may not be
prepared to make. For those who have not yet "come out," the
threat of publicly revealing a partner's homosexuality, especially
to
 Page 63
parents, employers, and relatives can give the abusive partner
another weapon for control.
Social attitudes against homosexuality also make it difficult for
battered gays and lesbians to find support and compassion.
Stereotypes and bigotry against homosexuals persist. Even within
the homosexual community, there may be a reluctance to
acknowledge social problems, which could further fuel prejudice
and homophobia among the heterosexual community.
Isolation is a special issue for abused gays and lesbians. In an
area where there are few other homosexuals, the abused partner
may feel very alone. Even in areas with large gay populations, the
community tends to be small enough that people know one
another, so it is difficult to find support yet maintain privacy.
There is also a persistent myth that battering in same-sex
relationships is mutual ''fighting,'' as opposed to one partner
dominating and battering the other.
Fortunately, information and special services for gays and
lesbians in violent relationships are becoming more abundant.
Several books dealing with the unique circumstances faced by
battered gays and lesbians are now available, and a number of
organizations, including the National Coalition Against Domestic
Violence and other local and national groups, offer assistance.
Additional information is listed in the appendix and Resources
and Suggested Readings section at the end of this book.
Battered Men
What about men who are battered? Certainly some men are
physically abused by partners, especially in gay relationships, and
some are battered by women. According to the U.S. Justice
Department, as many as 24,000 men per year report being
physically assaulted by intimate partners. Yet this accounts for
only two to five percent of the battering in abusive relationships,
so the emphasis of study and services has been, understandably,
on battered women. However, the suffering of abused men
should not be ignored simply because their numbers are
relatively small.
The limited amount of research that has been conducted shows
that
 Page 64
while psychological traits of battered men and battered women
are similar, there are key differences that make the nature and
severity of the abuse different for men. Male victims suffer fewer
physical injuries from abuse, at least in heterosexual
relationships, simply because most women can't hit as hard as
men. Also, it appears that men are less likely to stay in abusive
relationships for a long period. This is partially due to social and
cultural factors, such as boys being raised to be self-reliant, the
primary child-rearing responsibilities being placed on women,
and the greater financial resources generally available to men.
Yet, the dynamics of the relationship in which men are abused
appear to be similar to that of the more common male-
abuserfemale-victim relationship. Abusive women tend to be
controlling, possessive, unpredictable in their outbursts, and very
jealous. Some believe that while physically abusive women are
comparatively rare, many more psychologically or emotionally
abuse their male partners, which can be as devastating, if not as
immediately dangerous.
Men tend to suffer the same torments as women as long as they
stay in abusive relationships, including shock, unexpressed anger,
misplaced guilt, and agony over whether to stay or go. One man
who spent three years with a woman who was both emotionally
and occasionally physically abusive reported suffering many of
the same aftereffects common to women who have left, such as
fear, mistrust, and the inability to establish another intimate
relationship. Those who stay generally stay for the same reason
women dofear, dependence, or a desire to keep the family
together for the children. Men too can be beaten and tortured into
a state of learned helplessness, as the tragedy of war has shown.
When abused men leave, their experiences tend to be much
different that those of their female counterparts. They are less
likely to tell anyone the truth about the breakup, and must face
sexist attitudes from many sources. Police tend to disbelieve the
male victim or expect any man to be able to protect himself from
any woman. In our society there is still criticism of men who
seek help for "personal" problems and, again, there is the
lingering perception of domestic violence as a "family matter."
Men who do speak up risk scorn, gossip, and the public
spotlight. Because such abuse is relatively unusual, or at least
unreported, the cases
 Page 65
that do come before the public eye are often sensationalized.
Consider the case of Lorena Bobbitt, who cut off her husband's
penis, claiming he had abused her for years and raped her earlier
in the day. The story was exploited worldwide. TV actress
Shannen Doherty has been accused of assault by a former
boyfriend, and this, too, made international headlines.
The media frenzy that often accompanies reports of male abuse is
detrimental not only to the victim, but to other men who become
reluctant to seek help, and especially to women, who are
portrayed as equally likely to be perpetrators as victimsa gross
distortion of the real picture.
Unfortunately, there are few services for battered men, and some
end up in homeless shelters, which may or may not offer
additional assistance. One shelter for battered men opened in
Great Britain in 1992, but closed its doors before long,
presumably due to few users. Communities with a large gay
population are beginning to establish services for gay males, but
the heterosexual man abused by a female partner may find little
help available. Also, due to the way boys are socialized in this
culture, an abused man will often be ashamed and embarrassed
to seek help from law enforcement, social service agencies, or
other sources. Of course, private psychologists and counselors
can provide confidential help, and most social service agencies
are open to all who need them. More and more male support
groups are being established to help men with a wide variety of
problems. Admitting personal difficulties and seeking help no
longer carries such a strong stigma of weakness or failure.
The suffering of abused men should not be taken lightly, and all
services to victims of abuse should be free of sex discrimination.
Yet it makes sense that the majority of resources and programs
are geared toward women, when they account for 95 percent of
the victims. In the final analysis, it comes down to the simple
right of all people to live lives free of brutality, and this right
should be applied equally to everyone by those working to end
domestic violence.
 Page 67

Chapter Four
Social Aspects of Domestic Violence
Much of what goes on outside the home also has a hand in
shaping the conditions that allow domestic violence to
continueand those that work toward its demise. A wide range of
social and cultural forces help shape the attitudes of individuals.
Chapter 2 outlines the role history has played in both
perpetuating domestic violence and setting the stage for change.
Today's world continues to affect our opinions and behavior in
both positive and negative ways.
Some believe people today have become desensitized to violence
by the common occurrence of all types of brutality. We are
surrounded by violence on the street, in the media, on the news,
in sports, in war, virtually everywhere. The pervasiveness of
violence outside the home may make it more acceptable in the
home as well.
The way children in American culture are raised is also an
important factor. Despite the changes of the past few decades,
our educational, religious, military, and recreational institutions
still tend to encourage boys to be aggressive, authoritarian, and to
refrain from showing emotion. Such conduct is considered
"manly." The sports culture had been
 Page 68
accused of having a hand in encouraging violence. Certain sports
do emphasize physical force and domination of opponents. Yet
others believe that sports provide a healthy outlet for male
aggression.
At the same time, girls are raised to be passive, submissive, and
gentletraits traditionally considered feminine. Women's roles have
changed dramatically over the past century, yet women are still
denied equal access to many of the opportunities available to
men. Women still suffer from discrimination on the job, and only
earn an average of seventy-four cents for each dollar earned by
men. There are very real financial barriers to economic stability
for many women, and many in abusive relationships stay because
they do not believe they can support themselves and their
children independently.
Cultural attitudes toward domestic violence itself also contribute
to its proliferation. We are trained to respect our neighbor's
privacy, which gives us a good excuse to look the other way
when we suspect something ugly may be going on behind the
drawn curtains. We tell ourselves we're "minding our own
business" when we ignore crashes and screams, perhaps even
police cars late at night.
There are many social factors and institutions that contribute to
society's behavior and attitudes toward domestic violence, in both
good and bad ways. A few of the more important influences are
discussed below. The civil and criminal justice systems, which of
course play a huge part in both social attitudes about domestic
violence and what isor is notdone to stop it, are discussed in the
next chapter.
Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence
What about drinking and drugs? Many women report that their
partners only become abusive when under the influence, leading
some to conclude that substance abuse causes domestic violence.
But the experts agree that while there is often a connection
between the two, alcohol or drugs do not cause domestic
violence. That there is some relationship between alcohol abuse
and violence is clear, but what the relationship is remains
puzzling.
Alcoholism and drug abuse do increase the risk of domestic
violence.
 Page 69
But as with the other factors that contribute to chances of
violence happening in a home (like unemployment, for example)
they are separate problems. Many abusers never use drugs or
alcohol; many who are addicted never become abusive. Men who
batter women while under the influence of intoxicants have to be
abusive people to begin with. Alcohol or drugs can remove the
inhibitions that keep them from beating their partners when
they're sober, and do tend to increase the risk of severe injury or
death during battering episodes. But they can't turn peaceful
people into abusers without the traits that make a person violent
already in place. Above all, intoxication should never be accepted
as an excuse for battering.
Undeniably, the connection between substance abuse and
domestic violence needs further study. A team of physicians who
worked with the Memphis police department in conducting a
1995 study of domestic violence calls found that two-thirds of the
assailants had used a combination of cocaine and alcohol on the
day of the assault. The team recommended greater attention to the
connection between substance abuse and battering, including
evaluation of the batterer at the scene or after arrest by police.
Many physicians emphasize that integration of legal intervention
and counseling to stop substance abuse by perpetrators is
overdue.
The Media
The entertainment and news media have been alternately cursed
and blessed in recent years for their treatment of domestic
violence issues. Certainly this powerful institution can be an
extremely valuable tool for disseminating information on
services, reporting crimes and consequences, educating a broad
segment of the public, raising money and volunteer support for
shelters and other organizations, and shaping public attitudes.
Battered women's advocacy groups have launched their own
media campaigns to make victims of abuse aware of their legal
rights and remedies, to educate the public about domestic
violence, to publicize hotlines and shelters, and to warn batterers
that family violence is a crime. Newspapers that move stories of
domestic violence to the forefront
 Page 70
contribute to a public perception that it is an important issue. In
1994, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani launched a poster
campaign using photographs provided by Domestic Abuse
Awareness, Inc. to educate subway and bus passengers about
domestic violence. Television stations frequently air programs
that portray the gritty reality and potential consequences of
domestic violence, and broadcast public service announcements
at appropriate times, such as during the Super Bowl (various
reports show that, for some reason, Super Bowl Sunday is the
most violent day of the year).
Of course, there is a flip side. The downside of extensive media
coverage cannot be ignored. Abusers very often use death threats
to control and terrorize their victims, and many report being told
that what happened to Nicole Brown Simpson or other women
who died will happen to them if they don't "shape up" or "behave
themselves." Movies and music videos in particular have been
criticized for mixing violence with sex and portraying women in
inaccurate, inappropriate ways.
But today, the scope of the media is nearly boundless, with new
newspapers, magazines, and cable TV channels appearing almost
daily. The best way to deal with negative or false messages is
usually to counter them with the truth. Publicity about domestic
violence, what it is, the damage it causes, and, perhaps most
important, what works to stop it, can be an extraordinarily
powerful tool for change. Popular media figures, such as Malik
Yoba, of the TV drama "New York Undercover," have become
involved. Yoba did a 1997 radio spot in which he urged listeners
of a popular Los Angeles radio talk show to refrain from
violence against women and each other and offered suggestions
for more positive ways to channel negative energy. Actor Ben
Savage donated his time to narrate the video for children entitled,
"It's Not Ok: Let's Talk About Domestic Violence," produced by
the American Bar Association in conjunction with the Walt
Disney Company. Actor Danny Glover has lent his support to
help raise funds for the Family Violence Prevention Fund.
High-profile court cases also draw attention to needed changes in
social and government policy. After a battered woman named
Tracy Thurman won a landmark civil rights case against the
police department
 Page 71
that failed to protect her and a TV movie was made chronicling
her story, policies and practices changed in police stations across
the nation. Much of the news regarding domestic violence issues
does not get the publicity it deserves, but anyone can help
remedy this by writing letters to the editors of local newspapers,
contacting television stations about stories, and making other
small efforts. The public appetite for a good story is insatiable,
and reporters are always looking for a scoop.
There is a tremendous emphasis today not only on protecting
victims and punishing offenders, but on changing the attitudes
that permit violence against women to continue. The efforts of
ordinary people who spoke out, wrote letters, campaigned, and
worked deserve credit for getting us this far. Such efforts can
continue to move us toward the day when domestic violence will
be a part of our historynot our future.
The Internet
According to Robert E. McAfee, M.D., past president of the
American Medical Association, every 12 seconds a woman
suffers from some sort of violence or abuse at the hands of her
spouse, boyfriend, or significant other. McAfee, who has
characterized domestic violence as terrorism in the home, notes
that more years of life are lost to violence in American society
than to heart disease, cancer, and stroke combined.
The Internet is a remarkable resource for information, guidance,
and shared ideas on domestic violence. Many of the organizations
listed in the appendix have their own web sites with links to other
sites with related materials. Additionally, more and more state
and local coalitions are developing sites to help individuals and
other groups connect with local sources of information and
assistance.
For those without personal access to the Internet, many public
libraries offer free use of their computers to access the world
wide web, as well as brief classes that teach the basics on how to
use the vast array of resources on the Internet. Bookstores,
community centers, schools, and computer shops also offer
classes, many free of charge.
 Page 72

Health Care
According to Robert E. McAfee, M.D., past president of the
American Medical Association, every 12 seconds a woman
suffers from some sort of violence or abuse at the hands of her
spouse, boyfriend, or significant other. McAfee, who has
characterized domestic violence as terrorism in the home, notes
that more years of life are lost to violence in American society
than to heart disease, cancer, and stroke combined.
In 1985, U.S. Surgeon General C. Everett Koop described
domestic violence as a public health menace. The impact of
family violence on the physical, emotional, and mental health of
its victims is almost impossible to calculate because so much of
the damage goes untreated and unreported. Even if only the
reported and reliably estimated violence is considered, the
statistics are devastating. Remember, domestic abuse is the
leading cause of injury to women between the ages of fifteen and
forty-four. Between one-fifth and one-third of women who are
treated in hospital emergency rooms are there because of
battering. Between 20 percent and 50 percent of the women
admitted to hospitals for emergency surgery have been hurt by a
male partner.
According to the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons,
"Violence is a disease with many causes, and the medical
community is uniquely positioned to have an important role in
reducing its prevalence and the pain and suffering that results.
Because the incidence of violence continues to increase, it is
imperative that physicians increase their efforts to curb this
epidemic."
Battered women have unique needs that require special attention
from health care professionals in prevention, screening, and
treatment. Yet many physicians have little or no training in the
area of domestic violence. Two emergency medicine specialists I
spoke witha doctor and a nursecomplained that their efforts to
get the dean of a major medical school to require more specific
training on domestic abuse in the curriculum for all medical
students have fallen on deaf ears.
However, there is every indication that positive changes are
occurring in the medical community, as both individual care
providers and organizations become more aware and sensitive to
the unique needs of domestic violence victims. In 1994, the
American Academy of Facial
 Page 73
Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery (AAFPRS) entered into a
unique partnership with the National Coalition Against Domestic
Violence to assist victims of domestic abuse who have suffered
facial injuries and need surgery to repair the damage from
assaults. The service, called the National Domestic Violence
Project, founded by plastic surgeon Dr. Lori Hansen, provides
reconstructive surgery for victims of abuse without charge. As of
early 1996, some five hundred women had been helped. Such
surgery can free women from the constant reminder of the
violence they have suffered, and help to restore their self-esteem.
A toll-free number has been set up for use by advocates and
victims (see appendix). The Project will refer victims to
participating physicians in the victim's local area, whenever
possible.
More and more emphasis is being placed on the danger of
strangulation in domestic violence cases. Choking is peculiarly
common in domestic violence cases, far more so than in stranger
assaults. What form of control could be more intimate than
controlling a person's ability to breathe? Strangulation is both a
serious warning sign that this is an extremely vicious abuser and
a potential medical crisis that must be monitored closely. A victim
who has been strangled may exhibit only mild injuries at first,
then die within 36 hours as internal swelling increases.
An attempt by an abuser to strangle his victim is taken very
seriously by most prosecutors. Such cases can be prosecuted as
aggravated battery with intent to cause great bodily harm, which
is a felony. Officers need to be trained to understand the medical
aspects of such injuriessuch as the fact that marks on a victim's
neck may not appear for several hours after the assaultand to ask
the right questions, such as whether she became dizzy, saw stars,
or lost consciousness, in order to correctly define the crime.
Medical personnel, too, must be aware of the peculiar nature of
strangulation injuries. A victim who does not seem to be
seriously injured yet speaks in a raspy voice, has red eyes or
broken blood vessels in her cheeks, or has trouble catching her
breath may have suffered extremely severe injuries which will
manifest over the next day or so as internal swelling occurs in the
neck. Some physicians are routinely ordering cat scans for all
choking victims, and/or admitting them to intensive care units for
48 hours of close observations. In some areas,
 Page 74
physicians are presenting seminars to teach police officers how to
recognize symptoms of strangulation in a victim that is too hurt
or terrified to give an account of what happened.
The emergency room is the first place many abused women find
themselves after an outburst of violence. Sensitive treatment and
communication is especially critical at this stage. Bob Henry,
M.D., an emergency medicine specialist who has worked in
Albuquerque, New Mexico, for twenty years, believes that one-
on-one intervention is essential.
In his practice, a specific procedure is followed when a domestic
violence victim enters the emergency room. First, a nurse screens
the patient and reports the nature of the injuries to the doctor.
Next, Dr. Henry calms the patient with a bit of casual
conversation and asks what happened. The patient usually states
that she and her husband or boyfriend had an argument or that he
beat her up. ''These patients show an incredible mix of emotions,''
he says. "They're usually crying, and experiencing
embarrassment, anger, fear, and frustration. Their emotional
suffering is often worse than the physical pain. I tend to see
relatively minor injuries in my practice, primarily bruises and
cuts. But they feel so demeaned in many ways, similar to rape
victims."
After examining the patient and treating her injuries, Dr. Henry
makes notes and documents injuries. He is careful to note the
cause of injury on the medical report as assault by husband or
boyfriend when the patient so states. While medical reports are
not given to the patients, they are made available to the police,
the district attorney, or the patient's private attorney. Dr. Henry
has never personally been questioned by a district attorney or
called to testify in court on a domestic violence case, though he
has testified in a number of rape cases.
The woman is asked whether she has called the police, and while
the majority still report that they have not, Dr. Henry has found
that the number of victims who do seek to press charges has
increased to nearly 50 percent over the past five years. If the
woman hasn't yet reported the crime but wishes to do so, the
hospital calls the local Domestic Abuse Intervention Unit (DART)
of the Albuquerque Police Department, and a specially trained
police officer comes to the hospital.
 Page 75
Dr. Henry also asks whether the abuser is at the hospital (which
he rarely is, in the doctor's experience) and whether this has
happened before. Most report that it has. "I believe we see just
the tip of the iceberg," he says. "Women rarely come in the first
time they are assaulted, unless their injuries are very severe."
Dr. Henry also asks his patients if they are going to return to the
home upon being released from the hospital. If they have another
place to gosuch as patients who show up with a friend or
relativethey will be discharged. If not, the situation becomes
trickier. "We have two options in that case. The local women's
shelter has been a marvelous ally. We call to see if they can take
the patient, and I don't recall a single instance in which someone
has been turned away. We get a cab or the police to take her
there. But it's more tricky if children are involved. If there are
children still in the home with a dangerous man, we call child
protective services, who investigate with the police. A social
worker and an officer usually go get the children. Or we can call
adult protective services, especially if the victim is an older
person. But we can only offer this help when the woman wants
it."
One of the greatest frustrations faced by health care professionals
lies in deciding how to help the patient who admits being
battered, yet declines offers of help. "In this case, we call
psychiatric nurses who come in and meet with the patient, and act
as a liaison with the doctors," he explains. "Sometimes we're so
busy and overwhelmed, it's hard to get our empathy across and
spend the time with the woman that she needs. The nurse can sit
down and talk to her, and try to come up with a treatment plan
that will at least get her some counseling and support." The final
backup is provided by a hospital social worker, who can help
develop a discharge plan that may include site visits to the home.
If a woman has been sexually assaulted, the rape crisis center
may also be called.
New Mexico physicians have another alternative to which they
can turn as a last resort when a patient is distraught and believed
to be in great danger. "Under the mental health code, all I have to
do is document that a patient is emotionally impaired, and we can
hold her at the hospital until some form of intervention arrives,
with hospital security standing by. It's a valuable tool in extreme
cases."
 Page 76
Dr. Henry has been the chair of the emergency medicine
department in his hospital for fourteen years. He is disturbed by
statistics that suggest physicians very often misdiagnose or fail to
recognize domestic abuse in a high percentage of cases. "At least
in emergency medicine, the physicians and nurses take a very
active approach to screening for domestic violence, and we do a
lot of intervention. I think most health care professionals have
the capability and capacity to determine abuse has occurred and
to intervene in the vast majority of cases. In emergency medicine,
we've always been very aware of the indications of abuse. It's
very difficult to miss the signs if you're aware of what to look
for. The victim is usually crying, withdrawn, and frightened. Her
injuries tend to have a characteristic pattern, including multiple
contusions all over her body that indicate an assault rather than a
fall or other type of injury. There are subtle cues you learn to
pick up, too. I think it's relatively rare to see someone who has
just been beaten up and not know. Occasionally, there will be an
aberrant situation in which it's hard to tell what's going on. But
these cases are rare."
Dr. Henry believes that direct, one-on-one intervention and
follow-up are essential. "We tried handing out brochures for
awhile, but found them out in the parking lot. We need to involve
all of these resource people, and give them time to work with the
patient. Once I know or have a high suspicion that a woman has
been battered, I alert them and let them delve into how to best
help the patient. We have to be sure her safety is a priority before
she is released."
Hospital personnel often follow up to check on a woman's safety
after she is released and to remind her of her options.
"Sometimes we arrange for a nursing visit two or three times
after the woman leaves to make sure she is in a safe environment.
First and foremost, she needs to be told that this is not her fault.
Along with the embarrassment, anger, and frustration, so many
of these women feel guilt. Sometimes on a busy night, where
someone is having a heart attack in the next cubicle and someone
else is bleeding across the hall, I simply can't take the time to sit
down and talk with a victim at length. But I always make a point
of telling her that the abuse is not her fault."
Beyond these preliminary steps, Dr. Henry has to rely on his own
 Page 77
instincts to determine how to best help each woman. "I see a lot
of the same women in here over and over. You have to try and
decide what will work with each individual. Sometimes a very
gentle approach is required; but others need someone with a take-
charge attitude to give them the tough facts so they'll accept help.
Sometimes I tell a patient that if she returns to her abuser, I will
see her in here again, or see her dead. It's a balance you have to
have throughout emergency medicine. Emergency room doctors
are great manipulatorswe have to manipulate patients and other
doctors and get coercive sometimes to get our job done. I'm
fortunate to have great partners, and a wonderful community
support system."
Though Dr. Henry has not extensively studied the social and
psychological research on domestic violence, his own
experiences tend to parallel most of the commonly accepted
findings. He believes 99 percent of his domestic abuse patients
are women, and has seen only two to three male abuse victims in
his twenty years of emergency practice.
Likewise, Dr. Henry often sees the cycle of violence in his
practice. "I ask women how their partners are treating them now,
and most report that they are remorseful, loving, and sorrywhich
naturally makes many of them go back, which starts the whole
process over again. I see some women over and over, though not
as many now that more support services are available. There are
certainly no cultural, ethnic, or economic boundaries. Domestic
violence tends to be universal." Like obstetrical nurse Mary Blick,
he believes that women in white-collar families and in small
communities or rural areas tend to be less likely to report abuse
than lower-income women living in cities. "There is more
anonymity in a big city hospital," he says. Also, he notices a good
many of his patients have a very distorted view of the reality of
their lives. ''Many are psychologically incapable of leaving unless
they get intervention and support."
Dr. Henry says the greatest change he has witnessed in his years
of emergency practice is the increase in community awareness
and resources for his domestic abuse patients. "All we had for
many years was the shelter. Now, there are many services, and
they are coordinated very well. I can see why the integrated
efforts are so important." Dr. Henry is
 Page 78
involved in one such effort, conducting a training class to teach
police officers how to recognize signs of potentially life-
threatening strangulation injuries in domestic violence victims.
Yet he sees room for improvement. "We aren't all aware of what
the others in the system provide, or well versed about other
aspects of the overall problem. For example, I never deal with
batterers in my practice, so I really know nothing about them
beyond the basic behavior patterns that affect my patients, such
as the likelihood it will happen again and the way they coerce the
women into returning."
He also feels that services should be more accessible to victims.
"It's too cumbersometoo hard for the victims to get into the
medical system," he says. "They have to be hurt so badly that
they really must have immediate treatment, or they have to have
reached that turning point where they are ready for attention and
help in changing their situation." He believes that many of the
women who come to the emergency room with fairly minor
injuries do not necessarily require medical attention. Instead, they
are seeking intervention, a way to get into the network of services
available.
There should be an easier way, he believes, for women to access
both medical treatment and other services. "I believe that the vast,
vast majority of abused women do not seek medical care," he
says. "We estimate that at least 90 percent of all maladies are self-
treated, mostly because of the expense and difficulty many
people find in getting to a hospital or clinic."
Dr. Henry has also served as medical director of the Albuquerque
Ambulance Service since 1976, and believes that there is much
room for expansion of services to domestic violence victims on
the scene. "Currently, paramedics can give victims only two
choicesgo to the hospital or sign a letter of refusal. But with
today's computerized communication systems, better mobility,
and state-of-the-art equipment, paramedics and nurse
practitioners can work under the supervision of physicians and
begin to offer more services. New ways of using localized clinics
and mobile services can make health careand connected
servicesmore available, affordable, and accessible to victims."
Physician education is also placing more emphasis on domestic
 Page 79
violence. Dr. Henry, who studied before emergency medicine was
a recognized specialty, says he received no training on domestic
violence in medical school. He is now involved in the teaching
program at the University of New Mexico (UNM) medical school.
"Those of us who helped usher in the specialty had to learn
through conferences and study on our own," he says. "There was
no board specialty until 1980, and no residency program at the
UNM medical school until 1985. But all that has changed. The
UNM program, now one of the most sought-after in the country,
places a great deal of emphasis on domestic violence, and it is
covered extensively on the written and oral parts of the board
exams. The American College of Emergency Physicians is very
active in studying what actually goes on in the trenches, and has
produced a position paper on treatment of domestic violence
victims, with more study and work in the area going on all the
time."
Dr. Henry, like many professionals who work with victims of
abuse, expresses frustration in trying to help victims, while at the
same time understanding the nature of their psychological
circumstances and carefully avoiding placing any blame on the
victim. "I know it happens to people from all cultures, walks of
life, and economic levels," he says. "But it seems there would
have to be something that makes a woman more susceptible,
more liable to be victimized. I believe that low self-esteem does
play a large part, and I realize that many of these women are
incapable of leaving, and that to do so could be dangerous. But I
can't help wanting to yell, 'Get out!'"

Battering and Pregnancy

Domestic violence poses a special risk to pregnant women.
Battering often escalates when something changes in the violent
home, and pregnancyespecially the firstmay trigger an increase in
abuse. According to a recent report in the Journal of the
American Medical Association (JAMA), as many as 37 percent of
all obstetrical patients may be abused while pregnant.
Physicians who ask patients about abuse can make an enormous
difference in their lives. At the 1996 meeting of the American
College of
 Page 80
Obstetricians and Gynecologists, the attending physicians were
encouraged to routinely screen for abuse by carefully framing a
series of brief questions designed to open the door for abused
women to seek help, learn about resources, and shake off the
stigma that may have kept them from asking for the assistance
they need. The doctors were also advised that patients who often
miss appointments, especially pregnant women, may be under the
control of an abuser, and should be questioned further rather
than automatically labeled "noncompliant."
Pregnant trauma victims need specialized care for two reasons.
First, the physical changes a woman experiences during
pregnancy may require adjustment in the usual methods of
diagnosis and treatment. Second, the survival and recovery of the
other patientthe fetusdepends on the health of both of the
patients. Battered women are four times more likely to have low
birth weight babies, and twice as likely to miscarry as other
women. Abuse of pregnant women is a leading cause of infant
mortality and birth defects. Yet prenatal and obstetrical health
professionals have only recently begun to emphasize the
importance of screening pregnant women for this risk, and such
screening is not yet routine.
As a registered nurse with a certified specialty in obstetrics, Mary
Blick only began asking patients about abuse after attending a
March of Dimes seminar in 1993. "I was shocked to learn how
common the problem is. Within the first day or two after
returning to work after the seminar, I asked a woman who had
come in with preterm labor about abuse. She told me her
boyfriend had battered her, and she had taken out a restraining
order against him."
Injury can trigger premature labor and other problems in the
early stages of pregnancy. Women who are admitted to the
hospital before their due date are given special attention. "Most of
the time it comes to light when they come in with preterm labor,"
she says. However, Blick and many other obstetrical health care
workers have begun screening all patients for abuse as a part of
the general admission assessment. "I just ask them point blank,
'Does anyone hit you in your home?' or 'Does anyone ever hurt
you?'" she says. "We have to ask a lot of very personal questions,
so it's not hard to fit in one more. I do make sure to wait until the
woman is alone. The biggest problem sometimes is getting the
 Page 81
husband or boyfriend to leave, now that all the admission forms
can be completed in one place. Some men won't leave, some
even answer all of the questions for the woman and won't let her
speak for herself. Since I've had the training to recognize that this
may be a sign of the type of controlling behavior that occurs in
abusive relationships, I make a special point of talking to the
woman later, whenever possible, or sending our hospital social
worker or pastoral care counselor to see her."
Blick described one couple that really worried her. The woman
was from a Central American country, spoke only Spanish, and
her husband would not allow her to take English lessons. He had
a dominating manner, stayed with his wife throughout the
screening and admissions process, and answered all of the
questions for her, rather than interpreting. Blick was concerned
for the woman's safety, but could not get an opportunity to speak
with her alone. She had to wait until the woman was checked in,
then she called the social worker.
The hospital where Mary Blick works employs a full-time social
worker who visits any patient who may be at risk. She explains
the services available in the community, and makes referrals if
needed. Occasionally, a patient may be sent directly to a shelter or
safe house if she is afraid to return home when she is discharged.
Yet the social worker is not available around the clock, and her
services must be requested by someone in direct contact with the
patient.
Blick also expressed her concern that the hospital has no formal
policies requiring screening for domestic violence. "After the
March of Dimes presentation, I discussed what I learned with the
other nurses at a unit meeting, and emphasized the importance of
screening for abuse. But a lot of the nurses still don't ask. There
isn't a specific question about violence on the assessment form,
and the hospital doesn't have any specific protocol or policy on
this issue. We do ask about the home environment, but that can
be interpreted in different ways." She explained that for most of
the fifteen years she has been working with obstetrical patients,
the emphasis was placed on screening for drug or alcohol abuse.
"After the March of Dimes seminar, I realized I hadn't been
screening as I should have. A lot of health care workers still
aren't."
Blick also feels that more screening should occur earlier in a
 Page 82
woman's pregnancy. "We don't see patients until they're ready for
delivery or have a preterm problem. Many women aren't
questioned about battering during their prenatal exams. Earlier
screening would really help. A woman in danger could at least be
warned about the risk to herself and her baby and be told about
the resources in the community so when she's ready to leave, or
if she has a crisis, she will know she has somewhere to go."
Blick is frustrated by her patients' reluctance to admit they are
battered. "We try to do all we can, but we can't offer professional
intervention and safety assistance unless the woman admits it.
Many claim to have fallen down the stairs. A few probably did,
but now that I know the other signs, especially in the batterer's
behavior, I know a lot of the injuries come from a direct assault.
Even when they do acknowledge abuse, many go back. All we
can do is talk to them, tell them about services, encourage them
to file a police report, and make sure they know the man won't
necessarily find out. We make sure they're familiar with the help
available, and deal with related issues, like urging the young
women to finish high school, that sort of thing."
This lack of required screening by all health care providers is one
of the most often cited problems in the overall medical care of
abuse victims. According to one survey, only half of the medical
schools in the United States and Canada provide any special
training on domestic assault, and those that do seldom require
more than one ninety-minute session. Some estimates place the
number of battered patients correctly diagnosed by physicians as
only one in twenty-five. Even in cases identified as assaults, three
out of four doctors do not ask the patient about her relationship
to the assailant. Up to half of the nation's emergency rooms have
no protocol for dealing with domestic violence victims. One
hospital emergency room found that when it added a line on its
intake chart requiring routine screening for domestic violence,
the number of recognized cases doubled in one month.
Many recommendations have been made by organizations such
as the American Medical Association and other family violence
professionals as to how the health care profession could improve
its response to the victims of family violence. Education is at the
top of every list, both
 Page 83
direct education for health care professionals at the
undergraduate, graduate, and continuing education levels, and
public education through community programs. All facility staff
should be trained in interview techniques, risk assessment, safety
planning, and procedures for linking medical services to other
community resources. All staff, especially nurses, should be
trained to identify abuse victims and invite them to share their
stories, with assurances of privacy. All facilities should have
protocol for the screening and treatment of domestic violence
victims. Battering should be treated as a serious health problem,
and any past or present abuse should be recorded on the patient's
medical historyagain, with special attention to confidentiality.
Patients should be referred to appropriate social services, and
given choices where different kinds of services are available.
Emergency and urgent care facilities, in particular, should
provide patients with information on battered women's rights and
services available in the area. Doctors and nurses can often
establish a rapport with a patient to help empower her to seek
help, to reassure her that she is not to blame, and to raise her self-
esteem by reminding her that she is a valuable, worthwhile
person. The overuse of tranquilizers to mask the constant anxiety
of living with the threat of abuse should be avoided. However,
this area is controversial. Many battered women suffer from
depression, both during the relationship and after they leave.
Antidepressant drugs such as Prozac have helped some pull out
of their desolation and go forward with their lives. "I couldn't
have made it through this without the help of my good friends
and the antidepressant drugs," said one woman who recently
broke free of an abuser. Most agree that such drugs should be
prescribed with caution, and any use which would make a
woman more likely to tolerate or stay in an abusive situation
avoided.
Some hospitals have taken innovative steps in working with
victims of family violence. The Children's Hospital in Boston, for
example, started a program called AWAKE: Advocates for
Women and Kids in Emergencies. AWAKE offers support
services including counseling, help finding emergency shelter
and housing, court assistance, referrals for legal and medical
care, and support groups. It also consults and conducts training
for health care professionals.
 Page 84
The medical profession is gradually becoming more actively
involved and organized in its efforts against domestic violence.
In 1991, the American Medical Association (AMA) announced a
campaign to combat family violence as a public health menace. A
national conference on family violence was held in March 1994
which was organized by the AMA and attended by professionals
in the health and justice fields, including nearly one hundred
groups representing physicians, lawyers, law enforcement,
parents, teachers, social service agencies, and others concerned
about domestic violence.
The importance of prevention was one of the topics emphasized
at the conference. It was recommended that physicians become
more involved in the prevention of domestic violence, with
training in how to intervene a part of every doctor's education.
Reviving the practice of home health visits was also encouraged
as a means of helping families get the services that are available.
Violence was recognized as a disease with many causes, an
epidemic the medical community is uniquely positioned to help
reduce. The conference attendants drafted a set of strategies for
addressing the needs of the victims of family violence, including
the recommendation that communities across the nation create
''family violence coordinating councils" with the single goal of
protecting and supporting victims of family violence. They also
proposed development of an effective assessment process for
patients which would promote the safety of all family members.
The AMA has stated its commitment to helping stop the epidemic
of domestic violence. A follow-up meeting is scheduled for the
spring of 1995.
Domestic Violence and Women at Work
Abuse has a tremendous impact on women as workers. As the
statistics set out in chapter 1 indicate, women who are abused
have a very difficult time maintaining their work identity and
keeping their jobs. Violent men often resent a woman's job
because it is an area they cannot control. Abused women miss
many days of work due to both physical injury and psychological
coercion. They have far greater prob-
 Page 85
lems with lateness, interruption, distraction, and harassment on
the job than other workers.
Dr. Patricia Murphy, a vocational rehabilitation specialist,
counsels women on rebuilding their work lives after they have
suffered various kinds of abuse. "Abuse survivors have many
different problems that affect their identities and abilities as
workers," she explains. "Many suffer from post-traumatic stress
disorder. This can cause problems with memory and
concentration, personality problems, sleep disorders, and a
distorted perception of the future. Not all abused women exhibit
symptoms of PTSD, but the victims suffer from other disorders
as well that can interfere with their ability to function in the
workplace. Some have substance abuse problems, others are in
denial about their mental and physical injuries. Many have been
permanently injured and may not be able to do the kind of work
they were once able to do."
In her book Making the Connection: Women, Work and Abuse,
Dr. Murphy quotes former U.S. Surgeon General C. Everett
Koop, who said, "It's an overwhelming moral, economic, and
public health burden that our society can no longer bear. Battery
is the single most significant cause of injury to women in this
country." Dr. Murphy points out that the physical injuries these
women suffer may produce lifelong disabling effects, continuous
pain, and chronic discomfort that interfere with a woman's work
options and performance. Spinal injuries are common in victims
of domestic violence, as are head injuries. "Head injury, in
particular, can cause many diverse problemsphysical, cognitive,
behavioral, and emotional. Plus, women who deny or minimize
abuse are often misdiagnosed as mentally ill when in fact they
suffer from PTSD or the effects of head injury," she explains.
"Medical and psychological injuries must both be addressed, yet
many women can't afford complete medical care, and even those
shelter budgets that provide for medical attention are seldom
sufficient to provide for a complete examination. Few doctors or
nurses are specifically trained to treat these populations of abuse
survivors.''
The distortion in a woman's view of her life caused by living in a
violent home can have a serious effect, as well. "Continued abuse
can result
 Page 86
in denial of painone of the body's most important defense and
alarm mechanisms," she says. "Also, women in abusive homes
often don't see doctors and dentists for the preventative care
necessary to stay healthy."
Dr. Murphy also feels the legal system needs to pay more
attention to the impact of abuse on women's losses in their work
lives. "The no-fault divorce process has effectively excluded the
battered or raped wife from compensation for her injuries within
the divorce process." Murphy sees the implementation of no-fault
divorce laws as perhaps one of the most important changes in the
work lives of women in this century. "Courts mandate that all
spouses who appear able to do so should seek employment. Yet
many of these women have never worked outside the home, and
their work in the home has not been valued. A forty-year-old
woman may be no more advanced in her work life than an
eighteen-year-old. And the special circumstances of battered
women are not considered. They need rehabilitative support.
Battered women often exhibit fear, passivity, learned
helplessness, depression, and low self-esteem. This kind of
trauma can interfere with a woman's ability to solve problems
and cause her to turn to self-destructive coping mechanisms. The
battered woman syndrome can obviously lead to vocational
impairment that precludes a woman from fully participating in
the work world."
Domestic tort law allows the victim to sue outside the divorce
process in a civil suit, and may help fill the gap left by no-fault
divorce, by providing her with a means of getting financial
compensation for her injuries. Dr. Murphy notes that vocational
analysis and expert testimony on a woman's ability to work and
earn money is sometimes allowed in such a suit. "Vocational
impairment should be an element of damages, but testimony by
experts on this issue is still rare. The value of unwaged work
should also be considered, as should hedonic damages to
compensate a woman for her loss of life enjoyment, pain and
suffering, loss of life expectancy, and loss of ability to pursue her
chosen vocation."
She points out that while no amount of money can make up for
the damage to a woman's humanity caused by abuse, money can
help pay for therapy, rehabilitation, and vocational training, and a
damage award can send a message. "Abuse survivors, like all
victims of war, deserve war reparations," she explains.
 Page 87
Dr. Murphy stresses the importance of work in the lives of
abused women and abuse survivors. ''Work can be a lifeline for
self-respect, role models, and contacts with friends who can help.
On the other hand, the loss of a person's work identity, which
often accompanies abuse, is a sort of death, a soul murder."

Social Services
Through the grassroots efforts of the battered women's
movement, a wide variety of services are now available for
everyone damaged by domestic violencethe victims, the abusers,
and the children. All states now have domestic violence
coalitions (see appendix) that provide assistance, information,
and referrals. Yet where a battered woman lives can make a
world of difference in how she is treated by police, courts, and
other institutions, as well as what services are available and how
accessible they are. Fortunately, help for those in abusive
relationships is becoming more abundant and more effective.
Coordination of efforts between the various helping
agenciespolice, shelters, courts, and othershas greatly improved
overall, so more of the available services are streamlined and
communicating with one another. Even small, rural communities
are beginning to establish shelters and safe house networks,
counseling programs, and other services. Many of the older
programs with proven track records have begun producing low-
cost training materials and conducting seminars to teach people in
other communities how to use the same techniques in their own
areas.
Battered Women's Shelters
There are over eighteen hundred shelters for battered women in
America today, and countless other safe houses (private homes)
or temporary facilities in churches, community centers, and
YWCAs across the nation. The shortage of shelters for battered
women and their children is still desperate. In 1996, there were
only about eighteen hundred shelters nationwide. For every two
women accepted, five were turned away. And for every two
children sheltered, eight were refused. The locations of shelters
are usually kept secret to protect the residents from angry
 Page 88
husbands. Telephone numbers are listed in local directories under
"Shelter," "Social Services," ''Women's Services," "Crisis
Intervention," or similar headings. Numbers are also posted in
areas such as women's bookstores, libraries, Laundromats, bus
stops, and other public places.
Shelters are best known for what their name impliesemergency,
short-term housing for women in a crisis. Shelters usually allow
residents to stay for thirty days. The average length of stay is
about two weeks.
First and foremost, shelters save lives. Yet most shelters, and the
organizations that run them, provide far more than crisis
intervention. For example, the Women's Community Association
in Albuquerque, New Mexico, provides a shelter for battered
women and their children free of charge; a twenty-four-hour
crisis hotline; emergency transportation; food, clothing and
medical attention; individual and group counseling; employment
and housing referrals; legal advocacy; counseling for children;
battered women support groups; and parenting programs. For a
low fee, it also offers a twenty-four-week program for abusers,
which includes a crisis hotline; group, individual, children's, and
partner counseling; and parenting programs. All services of the
Women's Community Association are also offered in Spanish.
While the Albuquerque shelter offers more services than many,
especially those in smaller communities, nearly all shelters
provide some kind of individual and group counseling, as well as
referrals to other agencies. These services are generally available
to women who are not staying in the shelter, as well as those who
are. Other shelters may offer housing assistance, legal assistance,
and on-site help with public aid and other social service
applications. Most shelters today are part of a larger system of
services that work together to help a woman face the complex
array of legal, social, and personal needs she encounters when
fleeing an abusive marriage. Sometimes court or victim advocates
visit shelters to let women know their rights, and to help them
pursue prosecution of the abuser and/or obtain a protective order.
Research by law enforcement agencies has shown that when
more shelters are available for battered women, fewer male
partners are killed by women defending themselves.
Some abuse survivors and the professionals who work with them
believe the support of other women who have survived abuse is
the
 Page 89
single most important key to recovering from the damage caused
by violence. Women who meet in shelters very often develop a
sense of sisterhood with others who have suffered in similar
ways. Women who share housework, child care, and a common
plight often find a strong bond that leads to ongoing support and
friendship lasting well beyond the duration of the shelter stay.
Many lifelong friendships have been forged beneath the roofs of
emergency housing facilities.
Today, most larger cities have shelters or safe houses, and many
programs centered in cities serve outlying areas as well. In
Albuquerque, for example, the Women's Community Association
serves a tri-county area. Through two outreach sites, the program
has expanded its services to accommodate a vast, sparsely
populated rural area, including transportation of victims to the
shelter at any time of the day or night. "Sometimes we have to
drive 150 miles to go get someone at three o'clock in the
morning, but if that's what it takes, we'll do it," says Catherine
Chaney, director of the programs. Women's shelters are also
beginning to address the common problem of substance abuse
among battered women, rather than enforce blanket rules that
those who use alcohol or drugs will be evicted. Women may react
differently to traditional treatment methods, most developed for
men, and need a different kind of treatment. Their practical
problems must also be considered. For example, a woman who
can't get child care and misses a meeting as a result might be told
she is in denial, when she is not. Female alcoholics suffer more
stigma than males, and abused women often face a double
stigmathey are asked why are they using, and why don't they
leave. The right question would be how can we help her stop and
leave. A victim who conquers her substance problem is more
likely to stay out of an abusive situation.
The University of New Mexico has begun research to determine
what works for women with both domestic violence and
substance abuse problems. Working with the Women's
Community Association, the study seeks to identify the resiliency
that keeps the survivors out, and what aid from the community,
peers, and treatment programs best helps them stay both sober
and free. As part of the study, one shelter plans to implement a
program that will offer resident special substance-abuse
counseling.
 Page 90
Support is also essential for women who have left a shelter for
alternative housing, those trying to make this transition, and those
who have never been in a shelter. Many shelters and social
service agencies provide such support as counseling and group
therapy, information and assistance on such issues as housing,
and referrals to all who need it.
Diverse needs should also be recognized in addressing the
question of how to help battered women. As the NCADV's
Battered/Formerly Battered Women's Task Force emphasizes,
there are many ways abuse survivors work to empower and heal
themselves, and while traditional mental health approaches do
work best for some, the importance of alternative methods such
as art, spirituality, political involvement, study, and physical
achievements should not be discounted.
The services provided by shelters is invaluable. Women who stay
in a shelter or safe house are more likely to leave their abusers.
Even the most basic shelters serve not only as a refuge, but as a
community where women find support, encouragement, and an
end to isolation and helplessness. Shelters often serve as a point
of entry into the system of services for women who are leaving
abusive marriages, whether or not they stay at the shelter. Police
in many cities provide transportation to shelters for women
fleeing the scene of a domestic assault.
Most shelters receive some funding from the state, local, or
federal government. Some states use part of the fees charged for
marriage licenses to fund shelters. Others contribute from fines
charged as part of abuser sentences, or charge fees to abusers in
related counseling programs. All, however, must rely on private
sources as well.
Shelters are chronically underfunded, understaffed, and
incapable of serving all of the women and children who need
them. In some cities, as many as six out of seven must be turned
away. Most shelters must rely, at least in part, on volunteer help
and donations. Many former shelter residents go on to volunteer
or work in a paid capacity for the shelter, and find such work a
rewarding part of building a new life.
In many areas, better assistance to victims is needed after the
initial escape, for example, after her time limit at the shelter runs
out. This is when many women return to their abuser because
they feel they have no place else to go. Ironically, many victims
feel safer if they return to a dangerous home than if they must
continually be on the lookout for a stalker.
 Page 91

Counseling
Most professionals agree that mental health counseling can be
beneficial to any family member who has lived through the
trauma of domestic violence. Many believe that for perpetrators
and children, it is almost essential. For victims, the role of
psychological counseling is more controversial.
Mental Health Treatment for Abused Women
In the past, it was not uncommon for even psychiatrists and
psychologists to take part in the "blame the victim" mind-set.
Women were commonly diagnosed as masochists, in keeping
with the notion that any women who didn't leave must enjoy
being abused. Psychiatrists and other medical professionals have
also been known to diagnose "hysteria" and prescribe
tranquilizers. Sometimes women were told they had a personality
disorder. Fortunately, as mental health researchers and society in
general have learned more about the real nature of domestic
violence and the dynamics of the abusive relationships, such
practices are becoming uncommon.
Yet many people are troubled by the suggestion that seems
inherent in recommending mental health treatment to an abused
woman. Telling a woman she needs counseling seems to imply
there is something wrong with her, something she needs to fix in
herself. This is of special concern to some of the professionals
involved with court programs that order both batterers and
victims to complete a program of therapy. The benevolent intent
of these programs is seldom questioned, and most victims find
the counseling helpful. But the mandatory nature is somewhat
troubling.
Others, however, believe everyone who has been through trauma
or difficult change of any kind can benefit. I tend to agree.
Counseling does not have to focus on changing something that is
"wrong." On the contrary, it can help a person see that she is
perfectly fine, that she deserves a good life and has the inner
strength to find it. It can help her access her own healing abilities,
and reassure her that her feelings are normal.
One of the most common and highly recommended forms of
therapy for abused women is group therapy that involves others
who have shared similar experiences. This type of counseling is
often available in shelters, as well as through public and private
organizations. Some of the groups
 Page 92
are formally structured and led by professionals, while others use
trained volunteers or simply represent a gathering of women who
want to share feelings, ideas, and encouraging words. "Some of
my best therapy has been helping other women," says Jane
Fraher, who found the "aftershocks" of the abusive relationship
she endured for three-and-a-half years almost as difficult as the
actual relationship. "When I go to my support group and the new
women say how they admire my strength and courage, I know
I'm helping someone else get to where I am now." Guides are
available for those wishing to start self-help groups (see
Appendix and Resources and Suggested Readings section).
For most women, the healing process begins as soon as they get
free. A great many battered women exhibit amazing resilience,
and literally blossom when they are able to focus all the energy
formerly used in simple survival on efforts to start a new life.
This does not mean guidance of some form is not beneficial, but
for many it is not really necessary.
For others, especially for those who have suffered years of abuse
or have themselves been abusive to their children, some form of
help in restructuring a shattered life may be essential. Women
suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, which can have
long-term, devastating effects that seriously impact their ability to
work and form new relationships, often testify that they simply
couldn't have rebuilt their lives without therapy. Depression is
also a frequent problem for women who have been abused, and
plus traditional therapy and drug treatment (which must be
prescribed by a physician or psychiatrist) have been beneficial to
these women. Even those who do not experience severe distress
often report residual problems that can interfere with their
enjoyment of life and new relationships.
Also, many battered women have a history of abuse both during
the relationship and prior to it, as children, for instance. This can
establish a pattern of other behaviors and characteristics in a
woman, such as low self-esteem and mental "tapes" that play
over and over, telling her she is weak, is not good enough, has to
please others first and herself second. Counseling can help
replace these learned thought patterns with more positive
messages. Therapy can be helpful in this and other components
of building a new life.
 Page 93
Women who need counseling can find help from shelters (many
have long-term support services), community mental health
providers, churches, medical providers such as hospitals and
HMOs, and private counselors. Some psychologists specialize in
working with abuse victims. Private counselors sometimes
conduct support and therapy groups as well, often charging on a
sliding fee scale based on the participants' income. Some groups
address recovery issues in general, while others use a specialized
approach to treat specific problems. For example, as a vocational
rehabilitation counselor, Dr. Patricia Murphy conducts career and
life planning support groups for abuse survivors in Santa Fe,
New Mexico. Her groups help women learn or regain the skills
they need to be confident and successful in their careers, and to
establish plans for their futures.
When choosing a counselor, it is important to find someone with
whom you feel comfortable speaking openly and intimately.
Some women prefer female counselors, and there are many
excellent therapists of both sexes. The most important criteria is
finding someone who makes you feel better, more hopeful, more
certain you are healing. Don't feel disheartened if you have to
visit several people before you feel this rapport. Ask for
recommendations from others with similar experiences. There are
two red flags that should make you not only run, but report the
counselor to your local mental health association: Anyone who
tells you you deserve abuse or should accept it; or anyone who
approaches you sexually. This type of behavior is always
inappropriate in a counseling context.
Batterer's Programs
Over the past twenty years, many community mental health
agencies have developed treatment and education programs for
abusive men, often with the help of other such groups that have
been through a trial and error period and learned what types of
help are most likely to be effective. Many of these programs
started in conjunction with new approaches to domestic violence
in the criminal justice system. Today, men who plead or are
found guilty of battering are often required to choose between
treatment or jail.
 Page 94
The approaches of these programs, and their success rates, vary.
Generally, the longer programs, which require abusers to attend
therapy sessions for at least six months, have better results over
the long term than those that require only a few sessions. Some
combine group and individual counseling, some break the
program down into separate components such as education,
dynamics of the violent relationship, and anger management.
Many require screening for substance abuse, and separate
treatment for alcoholism or drug abuse if necessary.
There do seem to be three points that virtually all experts agree
are necessary for successful treatment of abusers. First, the man
must admit to his responsibility for the abuse. He must realize
that it was wrong, accept that he cannot control other adults with
equal rights, and want to change his behavior. Second, there must
be some demonstrated consequences for the abuse. Many
programs require all abusers to spend at least one night in jail,
some longer, depending on the circumstances of the case. Even
one night behind bars can make a strong impression. Third, there
must be accountability that continues beyond the mandatory
treatment periodthrough continued group support, court
monitoring of a longer term of probation, or a court order strictly
prohibiting harassment or violence and providing strict penalties
for violation.
Any abuser's program will be most effective if it starts promptly
after arrest and lasts several months or longer. The Duluth,
Minnesota program, recognized as one of the best, lasts twenty-
six weeks. Sixty percent of the men who go through the program
have not been charged with assault again, according to a follow-
up study. Men who enter programs under court order, with
sanctions for unexcused absences and automatic jail time for
quitting continued abuse, seem to achieve better results. Also, the
earlier this intervention happens, the greater the chance of
success: a man who gets into counseling after the first or second
assault is more likely to reform than one who has been battering
and getting away with it for twenty years.
An ongoing study on batterer intervention that works, conducted
by the National Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, has
confirmed the long-held view that the earlier intervention occurs,
the easier it will be to change a batterer's behavior. The study has
also found that substance
 Page 95
abuse treatment must be combined with violence treatment where
it is required, and that programs that allow the batterer to choose
any counselor are not effectiveit takes 6 months to 2 years of
work with a trained counselor. Some programs are beginning to
use peer sponsorship, similar to that used by Alcoholics
Anonymous, which hasn't been studied extensively, but appears
to be helpful for some.
Programs for abusive men have several advantages over
incarceration alone. Sentencing of abusers has the greatest effect
if it includes both sanctions and treatment. A man who feels
guilty and remorseful after the battering will often be responsive
to counseling if he can start while still in this part of the cycle. He
can keep his job, and if the woman wants to maintain the
relationship, the couple can have a better chance of a safe and
successful attempt to salvage it.
Couples Counseling
There is a great deal of controversy surrounding the question of
whether a family torn by violence can ever really be mended.
Psychologists, social workers, sociologists, and survivors all
have differing opinions. Some simply say get outdo whatever it
takes to get free, and give up the relationship. Dr. Lenore Walker
has concluded after years of research and therapy, including
couples therapy, that battering relationships rarely change for the
better. Even when both people truly want to change, she believes
that the inherently unequal balance of power is resistant. Violence
tends to become ingrained in the relationship, although it may
abate in frequency or severity. She feels that the best hope for
ending the violence is to end the relationship.
Many women believe that if they are willing to work hard
enough, things can change. But there is no way a woman can
change an abusive man's behavior by changing her own.
"Batterers are violent for their own personal reasons, not because
of anything their women do or do not do," Dr. Walker explains.
Others have found that while physical violence may be stopped,
the psychological abuse generally continues after a brief respite.
Couples counseling, in which both abuser and victim attend
therapy
 Page 96
sessions together, is illegal in some states because of the
suggestion that the woman is partially to blame and needs to fix
something in herself; the philosophy that she has some power to
change the relationship; and the risk of additional violence,
harassment, or intimidation inherent in bringing the couple
together. Many feel that at least a limited period of absolute
separation is crucial if the abuse is to stop. Also, a court order
requiring the abuser to have no contact with the victim is
included in most cases in which a batterer is found or pleads
guilty.
When an unequal power balance remains, couples counseling
cannot work. Most professionals agree that a couple should never
attempt counseling or mediation together until the abuser has
completed a program on his own, refrained from abusing his
partner for a significant period of time, taken responsibility for
his past wrongdoing, and committed himself to building a
relationship based on equality and respect.
Yet some family therapists, like Virginia Goldner and Gillian
Walker, believe battering can be successfully stopped in some
families through couples counseling that tries to rebuild the
relationshipwhile not letting the batterer get away with anything.
In reality, many women keep returning to abusive relationships,
with the ongoing hope that they can keep the good part and end
the battering. Goldner and Walker do not feel their program is for
everyone, and have strict requirements for couples who wish to
enroll. First, the violence must absolutely stop. Safety is a
priority, and some couples are required to live apart for a period.
Second, the abuser must take complete responsibility for his
actions. Finally, there must be a strong and loving side to the
relationship.
Goldner and Walker believe that allowing a woman who wants to
save the relationship to do so in a professionally controlled
setting helps remove the shame she feels when she goes back,
restore her dignity, and avoid secret alliances between the couple.
Women are freed to begin asserting more power and pushing for
new terms in the relationship. Men are required to spend time
alone, to learn they can survive without relying on their wives to
cure their loneliness and fill all their needs. They are also taught
to recognize the steps that end in violence and how to take charge
to stop the progression. Women are required to develop outside
interests and build a life of their own as well. Goldner and
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Walker believe that rather than a ''honeymoon phase," the ties that
bind people in abusive relationships are based on acceptance.
They found that many women in such alliances were neglected as
girls, and the men were often abused as boys. This can lead to a
sense of two lost souls finding each other, the one person who
can be trusted, at least until the stresses of real life intrude on this
secure world and shatter the illusion.
Couples counseling remains controversial, but many
professionals believe that with a lot of work, a strong desire to
salvage the relationship on the part of both parties, and a strict
requirement that the violence stops and the abuser admits his
accountability, some families can rebuild a peaceful home. Jackie
Moise, probation and parole officer, says that judges need to
order family counseling for all members if the family is going to
stay together. All must understand what roles they are playing,
and how the cycle of violence is perpetuated. Also, all must be
committed to change and participation. The story of one couple
who successfully rebuilt their lives through long-term dedication
and commitment is told later in this chapter.

The Church
Different churches follow drastically different doctrines
regarding domestic violence. Some fundamentalist sects believe
that divorce is a sin, and will always counsel a couple to stay
together, regardless of the situation.
But most churches today recognize that a violent marriage is far
from a holy institution. In 1992, the U.S. Roman Catholic
Bishops produced their first official statement on spousal abuse.
They issued a document proclaiming that the Bible does not
require a woman to submit to an abusive husband or stay in an
abusive relationship. The bishops condemned sexism and stated
their concern that certain biblical passages have been taken out of
context to justify wife beating. The bishops urged the parishes to
educate their members about domestic violence and offer refuge
to battered victims, as well as help to abusers.
Other churches have long been leaders in the effort to end
domestic violence. Some of the first shelters were established on
church property, and many still offer emergency services as well
as counseling and assistance of various kinds. The clergy can
offer personal support,
 Page 98
counseling, help in coordinating community efforts, and teach
that violence is morally wrong. Many churches help distribute
materials about violence and local services. The church has
traditionally been one of the most important influences in
shaping the values of young people and teaching respect for
others. The Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic
Violence, a national organization listed in the appendix, provides
materials and training for clergy and religious institutions with
the goal of preventing domestic violence and child abuse.
Some victims feel awkward discussing intimate family matters
with clergy members who have known them since childhood, or
have established a relationship with the whole family, including
the abusive husband. Some clergy, too, find this difficult as they
may perceive competing interests. Women who face this problem
but desire counseling or support from the church may find it
helpful to ask their own or another minister, rabbi, or priest for a
referral to someone outside the immediate community who can
provide spiritual counseling within the same denomination, but
without the personal history.
Like other services, clerical counseling varies greatly. Some
religious practitioners provide extremely helpful support,
spiritual guidance, and assistance, while others may be of little or
no help or actually detrimental. Much depends on the individuals
involved and the program offered by each church. As with other
counseling, it is generally best to try anything that seems helpful,
but be willing to change if it does not seem to be workingand run
as fast as you can from anyone who tells you to accept abusive
treatment, no matter what reason is given.
Schools
Educational institutions at all levels can help put an end to
domestic violence by teaching that abuse is wrong, that it is
detrimental to all of society, and that there are better ways to
resolve personal disagreements than with fists. Many schools
have begun teaching peaceful methods of dispute resolution.
School nurses and guidance counselors can provide information
and advice to children from violent homes. High schools,
especially, have become aware of the growing problem of
violence
 Page 99
between adolescent couples, and some of the programs that were
started with prevention in mind have expanded to focus on
intervention as well, as rates of dating violence and rape soar.
Many of the efforts in the field of education have been made by
battered women's groups at the grassroots level. In Boston, an
improvisational theater group puts on skits for area high schools
as a joint project of a local women's shelter and a men's therapy
group. A four-week course on the prevention of family violence
was developed in Louisville, Kentucky, and adopted by other
public school systems in Illinois, Arkansas, and Ohio. Several of
the national and state coalitions have developed brochures
especially for teens who live in violent homes or are involved in
violent dating relationships. In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, a course
called Violence-Free Healthy Choices for Kids is run by the
Women's Center and Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh and is a
required course in conflict resolution for fourth and fifth graders
in five schools. The group also offers a three-day dating violence
prevention program for adolescents that distinguishes abusive
behavior from healthy relationships.
Many believe that the education and prevention of domestic
violence should start much earlier than high school. It has been
suggested that a public awareness campaign to reduce domestic
violence should be structured in a way similar to the recent
programs to reduce drunk driving, or the D.A.R.E. programs to
prevent drug abuse. All children should be educated both in
preventing violence in various contexts and in how to avoid
becoming victimized.
Schools can also provide counseling for children traumatized by
violence in the home. School guidance counselors at all levels
can help children deal with the trauma of living in a violent
home. One man who grew up in an abusive home says he always
thought of school counselors as purely academic advisors, but
when his home life became unbearable in junior high and he felt
he had no one else to turn to, a school counselor helped him
tremendously.
Volunteer programs are also provided by many high schools and
colleges, which give credit to students who serve internships
assisting at shelters or other social service organizations.
 Page 100

One Woman's Story: A Woman Who Stayed

Like many abused women, M'Liss Switzer grew up in a home
marred by tragedy, neglect, and abuse, in which she was made to
feel worthless and incompetent. When she met the man that
would become her husband, she felt valuable and appreciated for
the first time. Things were wonderful for the fourteen months
they datedthen, on their wedding night, he hit her for the first
time. A twenty-year pattern of abuse was to follow.
Chuck Switzer, too, had been abused as a child. Like many men,
every time he beat his wife he apologized profusely and swore it
would never happen again. But he was locked into a pattern of
taking his anger at himself out on her. Typically, he blamed her
for pushing him beyond his limits, for anything that went wrong
in his world. Chuck and M'Liss fell into the common cycle of
violence, marked by tension building, a violent attack, then a
period of remorse and kindness.
As the years went by, M'Liss became more and more convinced
that the violence was indeed her fault. When she tried to talk to
friends or members of her family, she was confronted with
attitudes of indifference or even accusations that she was the
cause of the violence.
In her book Called to Account: The Story of One Family's
Struggle to Say No to Abuse, M'Liss describes one of the greatest
frustrations of an abusive relationship: the fact that it is good,
loving, and comfortable except for the episodes of abuse. Yet she
compared the marriage to living in a terrorist state, in which a
woman's whole life can become dedicated to keeping things on
an even keel and avoiding anything that could cause an outburst.
M'Liss understood the importance of keeping a sense of at least
partial control over her life, and though she does feel she was
brainwashed, she finally decided to take action, with the goal of
forcing Chuck to seek help.
She invited two couples she knew and trusted as friends of the
Switzers to be there when she told Chuck she had filed charges.
They stated to him that they would support her. This turned out
to be a smart move. Predictably, Chuck became angry. The others
helped him calm down, and the couple separated.
 Page 101
The Switzers were fortunate to live in Minnesota, a state with a
strong cooperative system of impartial laws; a competent police
force; a dedicated judicial system; and a strong family-based
domestic abuse counseling program that included individual and
group therapy, couples counseling, children's groups, and family
sessions. The program, Minneapolis' Domestic Abuse Project
(DAP), also used different types and combinations of therapy as
time progressed.
Like many other women, M'Liss was amazed to learn in group
therapy that others had lived with the same terrors and
experiences in the context of different families. Her group was
composed of some women who were divorcing their abusers and
some who were trying to work it out. One thing all the women
shared was a sense of self-blame. Over and over she heard, ''If I
had or hadn't done this. . ." Her feelings are expressed in Called
to Account, "We accuse ourselves, our husbands blame us,
society condemns us. As unreasonable as it seems, abused
women are denounced as the ones responsible for the violence
by themselves, by their husbands, and by society."
One of the main tasks of the therapist is to dispel this myth. In
therapy M'Liss learned about Dr. Lenore Walker's cycle of
violence, and saw that it applied to her marriage. The therapist
recommended calling a "time out" early in the tension-building
phase to try and diffuse tension, and to work out a personal
protection plan. The women helped one another obtain protective
orders, and take other necessary steps. They encouraged each
other to stick to their guns, stay strong and determined, and not
give in to men pleading to come home. The group also provided
a forum to express feelings others might not see as clearly, such
as their resentment at having to be the ones to shoulder the
burden of strength, do all the work and, in some cases, flee the
home.
Meanwhile, Chuck attended a men's group. They, too, learned
about the cycle of violence, and that violence is learned behavior,
usually in a violent family, and further influenced by our culture
in which brutality is accepted on the playground and the athletic
field. The "macho image" men are pressured to emulate
discourages them from developing a softer, gentle side. They
learned that while the choice to be abusive is theirs alone, their
history and cultural context may help explain why they
 Page 102
made this choice. The men learned how anger is often used to
mask other feelings, such as fear, hurt, inadequacy, and
confusion. They were taught that while it is difficult for abusive
men to admit and accept responsibility for their violence, it is
essential they do so if they have any hope of changing. They also
learned to watch their own cues for tension building, and to take
time out. While the men were held fully accountable for their
wrongdoings, there was also a focus on the good and potential
that can exist in the abuser.
M'Liss emphasized that such programs are no quick fix, but
involve a long, drawn-out, and often painful process. It required
a great deal of soul-searching, in which she had to gradually
accept the possible price of her decision in a positive, yet realistic
manner; to think carefully about what the future may hold. She
found that the separation, though temporary, freed a lot of her
energy to do this.
She also found, as many others have, that it can be very good for
a man who has never lived on his own to have the full
responsibility of taking care of himself. Chuck grew during this
period, and learned to appreciate what M'Liss had been doing for
him. The experience also increased his confidence and gave him
time alone to plan, set goals, and adopt reasonable expectations
for coming home.
M'Liss experienced other benefits of therapy. One exercise the
women were asked to do involved writing a letter to someone
they were angry with, not necessarily their spouse. She chose her
older sister, who had raised M'Liss after her parents died, and had
been resentful, abusive, and unloving. She finally confronted her
sister, who apologized and admitted she had been unkind. Thus
another relationship was healed as an indirect result of the
program. A similar project for the men's group resulted in Chuck
rebuilding a relationship with his mother and making peace with
his father, who had been brutal to him as a child.
M'Liss, like many other battered women, had been programmed
to judge herself as a success or failure based on how well she
lived up to the expectations of others. She learned she had to
change the "tapes" that played over and over in her head and
controlled her feelings about herself. Both she and Chuck learned
the necessity of reprogramming these
 Page 103
"tapes" that control reactions.
The program also stressed the importance of each person
building friendships and interests outside the marriage, and
advised each to take at least one night a month to go out with
friends. M'Liss learned the importance of a support group
composed of close friends, professionals, and caring clergy. They
were encouraged to keep the growth going when Chuck moved
back, and to keep attending counseling sessions. The continued
therapy helped them establish new methods of dealing with
difficulty and conflict, such as family council meetings in which
everyone could share schedules, divvy up chores, and air gripes.
The change was not easy, especially dealing with confrontations.
"He had to lose his life in order to find it," M'Liss says.
The couple's children had displayed problems seemingly
unrelated to their parents' conflicts. This is common, with
behaviors such as shoplifting, delinquency, and eating disorders
frequently occurring. The Switzers learned that the problems
usually are interrelated and the children, too, can benefit from
counseling. They were also surprised to learn that misbehavior
can be a good sign, demonstrating that the children no longer feel
they need to tiptoe about for fear of triggering their father's
violence. The Switzers progressed to family therapy, which they
found painful but also very healing, especially for Chuck.
M'Liss emphasizes that therapy is not a panacea, but can give a
family a new set of tools for meeting their challenges. As a part
of their maintenance program, she and Chuck help others now
enrolled in the program. Though the Switzers stayed together,
M'Liss emphasizes in her book that divorce should not be seen as
failure; rather, accepting abuse is failure. She also stresses the
importance of support from friends and family membersbut only
those who are trustworthy and able to keep a confidence. She
also feels that a successful outcome depends on both people
changing. The man must be willing to do whatever it takes to
stop the violence; the woman has to regain a sense of
empowerment and self-respect.
The Switzers' experience proves there are no easy answers. Even
with all the services offered, it took a tremendous amount of
perseverance just
 Page 104
to make use of them. M'Liss says she "wore a groove" in the road
driving her children and herself to the various sessions. But, in
the end, M'Liss says every hour she spent working on herself and
her family was worth the time. Both she and Chuck went on to
become group leaders at DAP.

Another Woman's Story: A Woman Who Left Sooner

Sarah Engels typifies the woman you would never expect to be
abused. A tall, strikingly attractive woman, she presents an image
of strength, confidence, and success. Yet Sarah found herself in a
relationship that typified the dynamics of domestic violence.
Sarah had enjoyed the benefits of a good education, with a
bachelor's degree plus graduate credit, and an interesting, varied
career. She was a teacher for many years, then she went to work
in the alumni affairs department of a major university raising
revenue. She supervised forty volunteer boards, wrote for the
alumni magazine, and did other work that comprised an average
work week of over sixty hours. She thrived on the job's
challenges, yet the exhausting pace, along with personal
difficulties, eventually began to take its toll. When a family-
owned commercial truck dealership began floundering, she took
over the management of three departments. Within two years, she
streamlined operations and made the company profitable again.
Once the company was back on its feet, Sarah wanted a change
in both career and location, but was unsure of her next move. "I
had been through a divorce several years before, my mother had
passed away, and I was having some health problems. At work, I
was under the gun more than ever. I was feeling depression,
anger, and a general malaise that wasn't like me at all, so I started
seeing a counselor."
Neither Sarah's parents nor her ex-husband had ever abused her,
but alcohol had been a problem in both homes. Sarah's parents
had been distant and emotionally detached. She went into therapy
wondering what she should do next, and learned to grieve, to
deal with her unfulfilled dreams, and to get on with her life. She
felt her therapist helped her a great deal, and led her to find a
new direction that involved get-
 Page 105
ting out of a situation that no longer worked for her. "I wanted to
get out of the big city, away from the stress of my high-pressure
job, the problems that continued with my family, a whole
situation that seemed toxic to me. I had cleared up my health
problems, and felt very strong. I decided to go to graduate school
in counseling, and located a good university in Idaho, in a clean
and beautiful environment."
Sarah had saved enough money to live on while she pursued her
degree, and set out with high hopes. But once in Idaho, she had
second thoughts about attending the graduate program. "I loved
Idaho, but I was beginning to realize that my heart wasn't totally
in going to school; I'd just used it as an acceptable reason to get
away from Houston. I really wanted some time to relax and take
stock of my life before I found the right direction."
During her relocation, Sarah had become acquainted with John,
the man who moved her furniture. "This friendly and charming
guy came in and gave me a big rush. I had just started the
university orientation program, but I was feeling that I had made
a decision that wasn't really right for me. Since I had been in the
trucking business and he knew the area, we found plenty in
common to talk about. He asked me to dinner after he unloaded
my things. We went out and had a really nice time."
Over the next few weeks Sarah saw John occasionally when he
was in the vicinity, though he was on the road most of the time.
When he was gone, he would call her three or four times a day.
"I know now that this was too much, he was probably trying to
keep track of me all the time," she says. "But I was feeling
renewed and independent, and I liked him. He seemed
trustworthy. I hadn't been in a relationship for five or six years,
and needed someone in my life. I left myself open, and now I
think he picked up on the fact that I was vulnerable, even if I
didn't know it."
As Sarah was coming to a final decision not to pursue graduate
school, John asked her to accompany him on a three-week drive
on a route that would take him through beautiful country. "I
thought, why not?" Sarah says. "I had worked all my life, with
little chance for fun and adventure. I had the time, some money
saved, and John and I had fun together. We were always carefree
and laughing, the chemistry was great,
 Page 106
that was all there was to it. So we went and had a wonderful
time. The trip was very relaxed, though I did check in with a
friend every couple of days, because she was worried about me
going on a journey with a man I didn't know that well."
Shortly after their trip, John asked Sarah to move to Carson City,
Nevada, with him, where his children from a prior marriage lived
and he felt his job prospects were better. He spoke of its
mountains, beautiful lakes, and clean air. Sarah liked the idea of
living in a smaller town. She found out she could attend a similar
graduate program there if she decided to continue with school, so
she agreed to move.
"I can see now that there were signs early on that John had
problems, but since I had never been involved with someone like
him, I didn't see them," Sarah says. "He knew my situation, that I
had no friends or close ties in either Idaho or Nevada."
Sarah soon noticed a change in John. "The minute he no longer
had to pursue me, things were different. His level of stress
escalated. I don't know if his first marriage was violent, but there
was always some crisis with his ex-wife, and a lot of screaming
over the phone."
John's job opportunities in Carson City didn't pan out as he had
hoped. "He either couldn't or wouldn't keep a job, and stopped
going on the road," Sarah recalls. "He started getting paranoid
and jealous. I would go to the grocery store, and he would
demand to know where I'd been, saying he was afraid something
had happened to me. He didn't want me to make new friends or
talk to my old ones, and found fault with everyone except meat
first. It all happened so fastthings started changing before we
moved, but really got rolling as soon as we got to Nevada. The
minute we were in the house, he came up with all of these rules,
like no one comes in unless he is home, and we had to go
everywhere together. None of it made sense to me."
Sarah had learned that John was badly abused by both parents as
well as his siblings as a child, and that all of the ten children in
his family had grown up with emotional problems. She thought
his strange behavior was temporary because he was still insecure
about their relationship, and because no one had ever really cared
about him. She believed that once he was convinced she truly
cared for him, he would calm down and act
 Page 107
the way he had at first. ''I tried to be gentle, use humor to get him
to relax," she recalls. "I asked him how he thought I got to be this
age without someone taking care of me all the time."
Part of her hopefulness and rationale came from her own
background. "I'd learned in therapy that some abused and
neglected people practically have to be hit on the head to feel
anything, and I had seen some of this in myself. Although I
wasn't abused, I had been neglected. I remember a lack of feeling
from very early on. My parents were subtle in their behaviorno
affectionbut they were very authoritarian and verbally critical.
John seemed to push the button on some of these old feelings I
had inside that made me want to please everyone and get
attention, and to make it all right with Daddy."
But things got worse instead of better. "He got more and more
paranoid and angry. He was completely self-centered, constantly
complaining that there was something wrong with the food, or
that we didn't have sex enough even when we had plenty. He
would come through the door and be set off by absolutely
nothing. He would lie all the timeeven when the truth would have
served him better. He was so compulsive about it, I began to
wonder if he even knew the difference. I had experienced
problems in relationships, but nothing like this. I had always
been with people who were truthful and more trustworthy, and I
didn't know how to act with him. I can see now that his behavior
was completely irrational, but back then I was always walking on
eggshells, trying to placate him."
Over the seven months she lived with John, Sarah saw the toll
the relationship was beginning to take on her. "I started smoking
just to have something to do during his long tirades. My energy
level was down and I was sleeping more than usual. I didn't feel
well, and I was looking for a job, but hadn't found anything. He
wanted to keep me isolated, make me stay home all the time."
John's tirades would start with an outburst of yelling and
swearing, directed at some real or imaginary enemy. "If I didn't
go along and agree with him, pat him on the back like a three-
year-old, he would turn his rage against me, telling me I was
supposed to be on his side. He would call me 'bitch' and 'whore',
other names I've never been called before, accuse me of all kinds
of crazy things. He would ask me if I thought I was
 Page 108
better than him, then turn around and call me stupid. He never hit
me directly, but he did increasingly violent things. He hit my cat,
grabbed a book out of my hands, burned my furniture with
cigarettes, and smashed pictures. He was terrified I would leave,
and of course, the irony is that he drove me to do just thatit was a
self-fulfilling prophecy."
John's tirades would go on for two or three hours. "He would get
a crazy look in his eyes and go completely out of control," Sarah
says. "Then he would be exhausted and remorseful. I tried
several times to sit him down and tell him that I couldn't deal
with his anger. I told him in no uncertain terms that I would leave
if this didn't stop. A couple of times, he seemed to understandit
was as though another person came into his body and became
rational for awhile."
After these outbursts, John would make an effort to control his
temper for several days. "But he was a time bomb, and I never
knew when he would explode again," Sarah explained. She was
beginning to believe she was in danger. "I was starting to realize
that you can't be rational with an irrational person," she says. ''He
demanded I 'pay him back' for money he'd supposedly
contributed, when I had supplied all of the furniture and bought
a second car for him to use. I gave him most of the money I had
saved, and I was beginning to feel very used."
John's last explosion was the firstand the lasttime that he
physically attacked Sarah. "He was in a rage, and I tried to sit him
down and talk rationally, as usual. He started hitting my cats
again, and I tried to leave the room. As I walked by him, he
grabbed me by the tank top I was wearing and yanked the fabric
so hard he tore it right off of me. That was it. I remember telling
myself, 'Sarah, you may be a very smart girl, able to deal with a
lot, but this is beyond what you can handle.' I stood up to him
and told him to get out. I put on a strong front, but I was scared
to death. But he loaded some clothing and belongings into his
pickup, then left in the car. I knew he would come back for his
things, and I didn't know what to do next."
Sarah changed clothes and called a paralegal she'd become
acquainted with for advice. "She had been in a similar situation,
and was afraid for me. She told me to stay put, she would call the
police, then she called me back right away and said they were on
the way."
Carson City had been John's home town for many years, and
Sarah
 Page 109
later learned that the police were familiar with John and his
temper. However, before they arrived, John returned and flew
into another rage. Sarah calmly told him she was going for a
walk, and left until the police arrived.
"The officers were wonderful. One stayed outside with me, while
another took him inside to get his things and made sure he left. I
got a restraining order the next morning, which was very easy.
But as I stood in the office filling out the forms, I kept thinking,
'I can't believe this is me.'"
Sarah received continued attention from the police until she left
town several days later. "They told me to leave my porch light
on, and they would patrol the street. If anything was wrong, I
was to turn off the light as a signal. They also helped me program
my telephone to automatically dial 911. They really gave me a
sense of security."
John, however, had disappeared and the sheriff could not locate
him to serve the restraining order. John called Sarah every day,
but she refused to talk to him. He even had his young children
call her and cry on the phone for her not to leave. "It was
pathetic," she said. She listened to John just once, when he talked
about getting counseling, and urged him to go. Yet she received a
message on her answering machine from a counselor who
wanted her to come in for couples counseling the next day with
John. She didn't return the call, but John's calls continued.
Finally, she reported his calls to the police, who advised her to
tell him about the restraining [protection] order, which had not
been served because John kept changing his location. When she
did, the calls stopped. Sarah also found the community support
she received heartening, though she knew few people.
"Everybody was so helpful. The moving people knew him to be
a 'hothead', with a long history of this kind of behavior, and said
they were sorry this had happened. They provided an unmarked
vehicle to move my things. I had to sell a lot of my furniture to
raise the money to move what I was going to keep, and even the
used furniture people went out of their way to help me take care
of business and get out of town."
Six days after John's last outburst, Sarah left Carson City. She
told no one of her destination. "I was lucky that I had a vehicle,
and enough money from selling the furniture so I could get out
fast. I was also lucky that I had been through counseling before. I
knew I could make rational
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choices, that it was all right to leave people I cared for when I
couldn't live with them. I had done it before and survived."
Sarah relocated to Arizona, where she now works on the staff of
an art magazine. She is content with her new life, but still jumpy
about things like hang-up telephone calls. She reflects on the
relationship with some regret, but sound wisdom. "I got one
letter from John, which was forwarded from the old address. He
said he was getting counseling, he loved me, he just needed time
by himself, lots of mea culpas. Yet he never took responsibility
for his actions, never saw the gravity of what he did to the
relationship. I can't give any second chances to someone like
that."
Like many women, Sarah caught herself placing some of the
blame on her own supposed shortcomings. "I know the problems
were all his, yet I thought, if I have so much going for me, if I'm
so strong, how could I be so stupid? But women are raised to
think they can make everything right. We take responsibility for
trying to help others, even when we simply cannot."
Sarah was astonished to learn how closely John's behavior fit the
typical pattern of most abusers. She now knows she was not part
of the problem, nor could she be a part of the solution. "I know it
wasn't my fault. Yet I still wonder how I could have let this
happen. But I know now that he is mentally ill. I knew I was in a
crazy, toxic situation, and I had to leave or I could go crazy too.
His violence was bringing out responses I didn't know I had in
me. But I had a choicewe all do. Women must know this. It may
not be the ideal choice, but I would tell any woman who finds
herself in this type of situation to run for her lifeit only gets
worse."
Another Woman's Story: A Woman Who Left Later
From an outward appearance, Charlotte Fedders seemed to have
the classic American dream, the storybook marriage. At the age
of thirty-nine, her husband, attorney John Fedders, had worked
his way up to the powerful position of chief enforcement officer
at the U.S. Securities and
 Page 111
Exchange Commission. They lived in a mansion, raised five
boys, and traveled the circles of Washington's power elite. Yet
while they were still newlyweds, John hit Charlotte so hard he
broke her eardrum. And the beatingsas well as emotional
abusecontinued until Charlotte finally divorced him nineteen
years later.
In her book Shattered Dreams, Charlotte described her strict, yet
affectionate and privileged Catholic upbringing. Unlike many
battered women, she was neither abused nor neglected as a child,
though her father dominated the family and had a volatile temper.
However, her upbringing was very traditional, discouraging
individual thought and rewarding conformity. Charlotte was
taught to be dependent, to accept her father's word as gospel, and
to feel guilty for any breach of the rigid code of conduct.
Obedience and respect for authority were prime virtues, and her
religion taught her to turn the other cheek, accept injustice,
forgive, and endure. She and her sisters were sheltered and
insulated, "prepared to be princesses," she explains. She attended
a Catholic women's college where she studied nursing, and only
dated one other man before meeting John Fedders.
John was everything Charlotte had been raised to admire in a
man. He was tall, handsome, ambitious, and also a devout
Catholic, raised with traditional values. From the day they met,
Charlotte says her life revolved around him. And from that first
day, he began trying to control her.
When they were still dating, he sometimes criticized her in front
of her friends, who teased her about being "blinded by love."
From the time they married, John insisted they live beyond their
means. Although Charlotte did very well as a nurse, earning high
praise and a good salary, her world centered around John. He
insisted she turn over all her earnings to him. She was also
responsible for all the housework, and their homes always had to
meet his obsessive standards, which sometimes included an
actual "white glove test."
Yet Charlotte wrote of good times in which the couple shared
great joy. As she says in Shattered Dreams, "When things were
bad they were very, very bad, but when they were good they
were perfect." John exhibited typical Jekyll and Hyde behavior.
He also followed the common pattern of controlling Charlotte
emotionally through brutal criticism
 Page 112
and authoritative behavior before he started battering her. Like
many battered women, Charlotte started making mental lists of
things that were likely to set John off, and blamed herself when
he abused her.
On one occasion, Charlotte left John for several days and
returned to her parents' home. But although her father tried hard
to convince her to leave John, she felt guilty and worried that she
would be shunned by other Catholics, since her church still
considered divorce a sin, though this was the late 1960s.
Charlotte returned to John, but things did not improve. She
learned that anger did not trigger the abuse; on one occasion he
beat her without provocation while she was pregnant. She also
noticed that John's mother was also obsessive about having a
spotless house, and tried to exert complete control over everyone.
John's behavior reflected his upbringing. He was becoming more
controlling, critical, and obsessed with power and discipline in
the home. While he did not routinely batter his sons, he forced
them to follow rigid household rules, demanded athletic prowess
and manly stoicism. Punishment was harsh for any transgression,
and usually involved beating with a wooden fraternity paddle.
Throughout these periods, Charlotte said their sex life remained
the healthiest part of the relationship. John still went through
periods of kind, normal behavior. Yet he would sink into black
moods for no apparent reason and withdraw into silences that
sometimes lasted weeks. Charlotte found these silences to be the
hardest part of the abuse to endure, and described them as
psychological torture.
John also moved the family frequently, and seemed to become
more dictatorial with each new, larger house. The ritualistic rules
increased, and some areas of the homes were off-limits to the
family. Charlotte became more and more isolated as John gave
her no privacy, screened her mail, and refused to give her any
help with the home or children, so she was constantly exhausted.
She received one savage beating simply for writing a check
without John's approval.
Yet the cycle of violence continued. John took her on a
wonderful trip to Europe at one point, and was especially loving
and supportive when the couple lost a young child. Yet the
violence always returned. Charlotte would run to her sisters and
pour out her sorrows, then she
 Page 113
and John would make up and she would pull away from them,
not wanting to be reminded of the bad times. Naturally, this put a
strain on her relationship with her sisters.
Finally, however, Charlotte began to pull out of her isolation. The
catalyst for the change was as simple as joining a book club in
which she and other women would meet to discuss books they
had read. For the first time in many years, her opinions were
considered valid and worthy of listening to. The book club gave
her a support group that encouraged her and built her self-
esteem. John disapproved, but she handled him and kept going.
For over two years, there was no violence. Then, after an
especially bad beating when Charlotte called the police, who did
nothing, she fell into a serious depression that left her
immobilized. In Shattered Dreams, she describes her feelings as
"deadened."
Charlotte had sought therapy several times throughout her
marriage, but had found little help until she consulted a female
therapist during this especially black period. For the first time,
she was told that John's behavior was unacceptable.
Like many women, the final turning point came when Charlotte
thought her children were in danger. John reacted in sudden
anger at one of their sons, who had left his skates in the wrong
place. He threw the skates at the boy, who got a black eye.
Charlotte left and decided to get a divorce. She recalls, "You may
not have enough self-esteem left to know you deserve better, but
you know your kids do." As she told John in a letter asking for a
divorce, "No woman deserves to be beaten by her husband, not
ever . . ."
Reconciliation and therapy were attempted, but it didn't take long
for the old control and violence to appear. When Charlotte left
for good, the publicity, as well as the court battles, were ugly.
John claimed he could not afford to pay adequate support to
allow Charlotte and the boys to meet their expenses. Although he
could have earned far more in the private sector, he refused to
give up his prestigious government job. At one point during the
trial, after testimony on the years of brutal abuse, John decided
he wanted to reconcile. The judge halted the proceedings and
suggested they "go to dinner and talk things out."
Yet the publicity had a positive side. Charlotte received many
 Page 114
encouraging letters and calls from other battered wives, many of
whom were educated, wealthy, or professionals. But the trial was
extremely long and difficult. John did everything he could to
drag it out, and to resist paying reasonable child support,
eventually driving Charlotte into bankruptcy.
During the trial in early 1985, John Fedders admitted on the
witness stand to beating his wife fifteen times over the course of
their marriage. He said, "There was no justification for hitting
Charlotte . . . I am forever remorseful about it . . . Yes, I
demeaned her. I did a lot of stupid things."
The Wall Street Journal carried the story, and Washington
society was shocked. Typically, Charlotte was the one who was
interrogated. She had to explain to the press over and over why
she stayed with him.
Charlotte's divorce seemed to be finalized at last, but after
Shattered Dreams was published, John sought a share of the
book's royalties because of his "participation in the story."
Amazingly, a court master awarded him a 25 percent share. Mary
McGrory, an outraged reporter for the Washington Post,
compared the ruling to awarding Adolf Hitler a share of the
proceeds from The Diary of Anne Frank. Subsequently, the
decision was overturned by a higher judge.
Today, Charlotte still struggles to make ends meet, but knows she
and her children are free and strong.
Another Woman's Story: One Who Left to Become a Leader
Prosecutor Sara Buel is an especially brilliant example of the
many former victims who have risen to become leaders in the
fight to end domestic violence. Buel's credentials combine the
prestige of an honors degree from Harvard Law School and
practical training from the school of hard knocksliterally. With
this combination, Buel is uniquely qualified to present herself as
not only an expert, but a symbol of hope for others in need of
help. Buel never intended to reveal her own background as a
battered woman until one day when a fellow prosecutor
advanced the stereotype that smart women don't become victims
of abuse; that it would never happen to a woman like her.
 Page 115
When Buel left her abuser, she struggled desperately to make
ends meet, collecting welfare, paying the price of poverty for
safety. Through firsthand experience, she learned that women
often return to abusive men because they find they cannot
support their children alone, because the men, who control the
money, threaten to use all their resources to take the children
away, and because they have been conditioned to blame
themselves for the failure of the relationship, to believe that there
is a magic formula they can find to stop the violence.
With the help of a federally-funded job training program, Buel
escaped welfare and began working in a legal services office
where she eventually advanced to the role of paralegal and began
assisting domestic violence victims. It took her seven years of
hard work to earn her undergraduate degree while continuing to
work helping battered women. Then, fueled by her anger when
colleagues tried to tell her she wasn't Harvard material, she not
only won acceptance at Harvard but was given a full scholarship.
While there, she started a pro-bono advocacy program for
battered women which is now Harvard Law's largest student
program, with 25 percent male volunteers. When Buel graduated
cum laude in 1990, she sent a copy of her transcript to a junior
high teacher who once told her she wasn't smart enough to be in
the school's secretarial training track, with the suggestion she not
judge the future of twelve-year-old girls.
In addition to her duties as head of domestic abuse prosecutions
unit of the Norfolk County District Attorney's Office, the
indefatigable Buel teaches a class on domestic violence at Boston
College Law School; crisscrosses the country training judges,
advocates, police officers, and medical professionals; speaks to
various groups working to end domestic violence; and has served
on the multidisciplinary ABA Commission on Domestic
Violence. An article in Psychology Today called Buel "possibly
the country's sharpest weapon against domestic violence."
Buel is not only a tireless worker, she is an optimist who believes
that with the conviction of whole communities to put a stop to
domestic violence, it can end. She emphasizes the importance of
ending silence about spousal abuse, more sensitivity among
probation officers to the
 Page 116
safety needs of victims and monitoring of offenders, mandatory
treatment of at least a year's duration for batterers, sanctions for
those who do not comply with probation and protection orders,
greater use of advocates to follow cases, and improved training
for police in investigation and evidence gathering in domestic
violence cases.
 Page 117

Chapter Five
Children, Adolescents, and Domestic Violence
Battered women are not the only ones who suffer devastating and
permanent injury as a result of abuse. Children who grow up in
violent homes are tragically affected in many different waysfrom
the womb through adulthood. Dr. Richard Gelles, one of the
leaders in the study of domestic violence, has been quoted as
stating that the worst thing that can happen to children is to grow
up in an abusive family.

Children in Abusive Homes

Children living in homes in which there is violence between
adults are two to three times more likely to be abused than other
children. Even if they are not direct targets of violence, they
suffer terribly. Children are often injured in the cross fire of the
violence, when furniture and other large objects are thrown or
overturned. Young children are especially at risk and sustain the
most serious injuries, including broken bones and concussions.
Older children often try to intervene, and one study found that 62
percent of sons over fourteen who tried to intervene were hurt
 Page 118
trying to protect their mothers. Girls frequently try to shield
younger siblings from the violence, and may delay leaving home
for college or work. Also, battered mothers are more likely to use
harsh or abusive punishment than mothers who have not been
abused.
Children who aren't physically injured still suffer severe trauma
from growing up in a violent home. Each year, millions of
children witness their mothers being emotionally abused,
physically battered, even sexually assaulted by their fathers or
other men in the home. Even parents who try to shelter their
children from the violence are seldom successful. Children hear
screams, see injuries, live in an atmosphere of terror and tension.
And they learn that this is what home is like. That humiliation,
disrespect, and beating are normal in a home. That violence is the
appropriate way to solve problems. One police officer reported
hearing a three-year-old boy say to his mother, ''If you don't stop
that bitch I'm going to shoot you.'' An eight-year-old boy began
beating his six-year-old sisterjust as he had observed his father
doing to his mother.
The damage to these children is appalling. A mother who must
focus on her own survival or grapple with the depression and
other problems that accompany battering is unlikely to be
available to her children for their emotional support. Children in
violent homes live in a constant state of uncertainty and
instability. In one study of children living in battered women's
shelters, 85 percent had been sent to stay with friends or relatives
during the previous year, and 75 percent of those over fifteen had
run away twice. Psychologists and social scientists who have
worked with children who witness battering have found that a
high number suffer from guilt, anger, depression, anxiety,
shyness, nightmares, aggression, disruptiveness, irritability,
problems getting along with others, and "acting out" with parents
and siblings.
Children may blame themselves for the violence, or devote all
their own energy to whatever they think will keep their parents
from fighting. They also exhibit poor health, low self-esteem,
poor impulse control, difficulty sleeping, and feelings of
powerlessness. Problems at school often include difficulty getting
along with others, fewer interests and social activities,
misconduct, and poor academic performance. They are at risk for
drug and alcohol abuse, inappropriate sexual behavior,
 Page 119
running away, isolation, suicide, and extreme loneliness and fear.
Some become withdrawn, others rebel. Most feel that they have a
shameful secret to hide, that they are somehow different than
other children. All suffer in some way.
Most human learning is based on modelingnot on what we are
told, but on what we see and emulate, especially in childhood.
Adults frequently underestimate the level of suffering and
damage inflicted on children who witness domestic violence.
Some studies even suggest that children who are exposed to
violence early in life experience altered brain developmentfor
example, exaggerated reliance on the primitive "fight or flight"
response which causes hypervigilance, difficulty sitting still and
concentrating, and learning problems. Preschoolers have been
diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, and boys as young
as two have been observed expressing inappropriately aggressive
behavior. Young children from routinely violent homes have
been found to have elevated blood pressure and pulse rates as
much as ten points higher than others.
Both physical and intellectual growth may be slowed in children
from violent homes. It is not difficult to see how this should be
so, considering that some of the most widely-known and
accepted psychological research, characterized by Maslow's
hierarchy of needs, shows that human beings must feel a sense of
safety before self-esteem and self-actualization may take place.
Some psychologists have found that even indirect exposure
(hearing rather than seeing) a single episode of violence between
parents can be very traumatic for a child. And some say that the
younger a child is, the more profound the impact, because young
children have not yet learned the coping mechanisms that older
children and adults use.
Boys and girls differ to some extent on the specific psychological
or social handicaps they develop and the age at which they occur,
but all are at risk for a wide variety of problems. Boys may learn
that men have the right to beat women. Girls may learn that it is
appropriate for women to accept abuse. It is no surprise that
children from violent homes have seldom learned constructive
ways of resolving conflicts and tend to choose either passive or
aggressive strategies when trying to
 Page 120
resolve disputes rather than more assertive, constructive, and
effective methods. Children from such homes also show
problems with empathy (identifying with the feelings of others)
and trouble developing intimate relationships.
Children who grow up in violent homes often suffer from
physical symptoms such as colds, sore throats, insomnia, and
bed-wetting more than others do. In most cases, the symptoms
disappear soon after the children are removed from the violence,
though some children who have witnessed battering, especially
over a long period of time, have been found to suffer from a
form of post-traumatic stress disorder.
I recall the anguish of a friend, years ago, who felt torn between
her desire to get free and remove her children from the influence
of her husband, a man who was violent perhaps once every two
or three months, and her fear that she would not be able to
adequately support her children. She was also reluctant to
remove them from the comfortable farm home they loved, and
deprive them of the parenting of a man who was, the vast
majority of the time, kind to her and to them. Two events finally
helped her leavefurthering her education, which had the positive
effect of boosting her self-esteem and confidence in her earning
capacity, and watching her oldest son begin to emulate his
father's abusive ways.
Abused women often recognize the trauma their children endure,
yet they feel that they are in a dilemma. Others mistakenly believe
that it is better for the children to keep the family together. Many
abused women were neglected as children, and fear they will
harm their children if they have to take a job or work longer
hours to support them on one income; that they could lose
custody; or that they will be depriving them of stability. In fact,
children are much better off in a peaceful, loving, one-parent
home than a violent, threatening two-parent home. Yet it is easy
to see how a woman might have these fears. "I was shuffled
around from relative to relative when I was a child," one woman
explained. "Even though I had to put up with a lot from my
husband, I was determined that would never happen to my kids.
Until he threatened to kill my daughterthen the way I saw things
changed." Though some women stay for the sake of the children,
it is for the children that others flee.
 Page 121
Perhaps the most disturbing effect of family violence is the way
in which it teaches children that this is the way a family
functionsthat violence is an acceptable way to solve problems,
that men should dominate and abuse women, that women should
submit. Children from violent homes have a much greater chance
of growing up to be abusers or victims themselves, thus
perpetuating the cycle of violence over and over through the
generations. According to one major research study, sons who
witnessed their father's violence had a 1,000 percent higher
battering rate as adults than sons who did not witness violence.
When a teenage boy assaults or kills his father, the most common
motive is to stop the father's battering of the mother or other
children.
It is beyond dispute that many children who grow up in violent
homes go on to become violent adults, both in and out of their
own homes. Even those who react in the opposite manner suffer
problems such as an inability to deal with conflict in a healthy
mannerany confrontation makes them flee in fear. Professionals
from all fields emphasize that if domestic violence is to end,
families and children must unlearn old, violent patterns of
resolving disputes and learn new methods. The most powerful
teaching tool for children is their parents' example. "The number
one priority in eliminating domestic violence is changing what
children are taught in the home," says Judge Diane Dal Santo.
"Children who witness violence, even though they are not
abused, learn and repeat what they see at home. They start acting
out when they are very young. We must teach our daughters to
protect themselves and to choose nonviolent men to date, and
educate our sons in peaceful ways to solve problems."
Judge Angela Jewell, former special commissioner for domestic
violence cases for Bernalillo County, New Mexico, told of one
afternoon when a father and son were both brought into custody
for battering their wives. While the families went through the
intake process, the son's wife led her small boyabout four years
oldinto Jewell's office through a narrow hallway. The little boy
bumped his head against the wall and immediately blamed his
mother. He began slapping her thigh as hard as he could. Already
the message was ingrained: If you are hurt or upset, it's a
woman's fault and you should hit her. Jewell believes violence is
 Page 122
learned behavior that must be addressed as early as possible. "To
prevent people from learning domestic violence it is easier if you
begin to educate at an early age, rather than trying to fix it when
someone is fifty years old and has been doing it for decades."
As this heartbreaking story demonstrates, most domestic violence
is part of a generational cycle. Dating violence is epidemic. A boy
who watches his father beat his mother often learns that abuse
against women is acceptable, normal behavior, and the way to
treat his girlfriend or wife. Former U.S. Surgeon General C.
Everett Koop recognized this cycle that reappears through the
generations, and emphasized that if the chain is to be broken, it
must be broken at the childhood level.
Furthermore, children must contend with the same myths and
prejudices about battering that confront their mothers. People
turn away from what is still viewed by many as a personal,
private matter. The problem is trivialized, treated as a "family
spat." Children are told not to worry, that it will be alright, when
they know darn good and well that it will not.
Society has accepted the fact that direct child abuse should be
considered a serious and unacceptable social issue, but few see
these "secondary" victims in the home where only the mother is
battered. Definitions must change. Spousal abuse in the presence
of a child is child abuse. As stated in the NCADV Voice, "If we
look at nothing else except the number of children entering
shelters because of domestic violence, then it seems imperative
that we recognize who these children are, what they have
survived, and what it is they need from us."
Children's lives are disrupted in other ways as well. Frequently, a
woman escaping an abusive relationship is at an even greater risk
for assault by her ex-partner after she leaves. It's no surprise
abusive men often stalk and attack women who leave, and
frequently terrorize children, directly or indirectly, as well. Many
women flee with their children, sometimes leaving behind birth
certificates, medical records, and other paperwork required for
school enrollment and social services. Abusers sometimes
destroy these records, too. Often a terrorized woman moves
several times a year, making a consistent education almost
impossible. Since school records are available to parents, abusers
have sometimes used their children's records to track down the
mother or
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kidnap the child, and mothers who fear such actions sometimes
keep children out of school to try and protect the family.
Other women are virtually penniless when they run from men
who have controlled all of the household finances, and ill-
equipped to find employment and housing after years of
isolation.
Women who seek a divorce or legal separation from their abusive
husbands face special concerns in dealing with child custody
arrangements. Laws and social attitudes are changing, but serious
problems in custody and visitation policies remain. Abusers
sometimes fight for custody of children as another means of
controlling and antagonizing a woman who left them; or they
abduct their children. Custody is further discussed in chapter 6.
One 1991 study found that more than 50 percent of child
abductions were the result of domestic violence. Not surprisingly,
this type of power play with a child as pawn causes the child
tremendous anxiety and, in many cases, prolonged emotional
trauma. Many professionals recommend that violent men be
required to attend and participate in counseling as a condition of
continued contact with their children.
Additionally, abusive men often withhold child support payments
to try and punish or control the mother. Children must also
contend with the same stereotypes and ignorance about domestic
violence that their mothers face. Both adults and other children
can be vicious toward a child who doesn't "fit in" with
community presumptions.
Battered women are often blamed for the trauma their children
suffer from living with abusive fathers. This is both inaccurate
and unfair. Battered women usually go to great lengths to try and
protect their children from the violence, and strive to be good
parents in spite of the circumstances that make this
overwhelmingly difficult, including their own physical and
psychological injuries. In many cases, when a woman becomes
aware of the damage being done to her children by exposing
them to violence she leaves the relationship.
Shelters and other service agencies try to serve both battered
women and their children, and many do an excellent job. But it is
a sad reality that there is simply not enough space in most shelters
for all that need help, and many communities still have no space
at all. A few shelters
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reportedly admit only adult victims, though most will take
women and their children, and many even allow victims to bring
pets.
Just one warm, caring adult to love the child and say, "What's
happening to you isn't right, it isn't fair, it's not your fault, and it
won't always be like this" can make a huge difference. Many
shelters and social service agencies have also established support
groups for children who have experienced the trauma of a violent
home, and many find this type of sharing tremendously helpful.
However, children are unique individuals, and it is important to
keep an open mind and offer alternative forms of help. The most
important factor, however, is removing the violence from the
child's home.
It is estimated that up to 50 percent of all homeless women and
children in America are on the run from domestic violence.
Battered women and their children make up a large portion of the
residents of homeless shelters. Like battered women's shelters,
the existing number of homeless shelters is inadequate to serve
all those who need them, so many women return to their abusers
because they cannot find another place to live or their time limit
has run out. In 1991, children made up 50 percent of the people
living below the poverty line in America. Some social service
professionals argue witnessing violence should be considered a
special form of child maltreatment, requiring changes in the law
and the focus of social service programs. Such changes are
starting to happen, but far more reform is crucial.
Adolescents in Abusive Homes
Adolescents from abusive homes run a much higher risk of
substance abuse, suicide, or running away. The trauma continues
through adulthood. Many men in prisonsome estimates place the
figure as high as 90 percentwere abused or witnessed abuse in the
home while growing up.
Even children who break the pattern and don't grow up to be
violent themselves suffer terribly. According to a Baltimore study
conducted in 1992 and 1993 at the Johns Hopkins Children's
Center and described in a 1993 Washington Post article,
teenagers exposed to violence, especially in the home, are more
likely than others to become depressed or hopeless. Of the two
hundred randomly selected adolescents, whose median
 Page 125
age was sixteen, nearly 60 percent reported having witnessed
threats or acts of violence in their own homesfrom threatening to
hit to shooting or stabbing. The study found that violence
witnessed in the home greatly affected their outlook on life and
carried a strong association with depression and emotional
distress.
In comparisons between adolescents who had witnessed violence
outside and inside the home, the prevalence of depression and
hopelessness was higher among those who saw violence in their
homes. "It seems as though taking away the protective effect of a
stable home makes teenagers less able to cope with the violence
they see in the community," says Robert A. Pendergrast, an
assistant professor of pediatrics who led the research. This is not
surprising. A home is supposed to be a refuge, a haven from the
threats of the outside world. Yet it is the second most violent
institution in American society, second only to the military in
times of war.
The good news is that children who escape violent homes and
find healthy adult models are remarkably resilient. Often, women
who divorce batterers go on to remarry kind, gentle husbands
who help heal the damage done to both the woman and her
children. More and more research is being conducted on such
"blended" or step-families as their numbers increase. These
studies reflect that in situations where continued contact with the
children is allowed, the best way a mother who has left an
abusive relationship and married a gentle man can balance the
needs of her children, particularly sons, to maintain a relationship
with the biological father, is by allowing them to sort it out for
themselves, which most will do admirably. As hard as it may be,
if she allows the child to love both the biological father and the
stepfather, most children will take notice of the difference in the
way each treats them, their mother, and other people. Long-term
observation of sons of abusive men who abandoned the family,
after which the mother remarried a kind man who became a
stable father figure, indicate that these boys soon begin to model
his appropriate behavior and eventually become as healthy as
those who never witnessed abuse. The important factors seem to
be a strong male role model with whom the boy is allowed to
develop a positive relationship at his own pace.
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Dating Violence
A chilling "new" form of domestic violence is beginning to
surface, though there is every sign it has been around for years:
violence that occurs during a dating relationship, otherwise
referred to as "dating violence." It occurs at an alarming rate
among adolescent couples, with some experts estimating that
between 20 and 30 percent of teenage dating couples experience
violence.
Violence between couples who are not married or living together
has happened for centuries, but has only recently begun to get
nationwide attention. It manifests in all the same forms as
violence between spouses, with one exception: Rape and other
sexual abuse is much more common, or at least more frequently
reported, among dating couples.
Violence is a special problem among teenage couples. Teenage
abuse victims may also have a more difficult time getting free of
an abusive relationship for several reasons. Teens have less
knowledge of available resources. They may find those they are
familiar with, such as police and school counselors, to be
unresponsive or intimidating. Unfortunately, many adults see
teenage dating relationships as frivolous or naturally volatile, and
do not take the risk of violence seriously.
Yet the problem is both widespread and potentially deadly.
Studies indicate that at least one in ten teens will be involved in
an abusive relationship and, as with other forms of domestic
violence, in 95 percent of the cases it is the male who is the
abuser. Pregnant teens are especially at risk, with one study
finding 32 percent of the girls surveyed reporting physical or
sexual abuse in the prior year. Also, both teenagers and adults
who are abused tend to enter prenatal care later in the pregnancy
than nonabused women.
Dating violence has been described as an epidemic among
teenagers. On June 24, 1994, fourteen-year-old Rosie Vargas of
Santa Ana, California, was murdered by her sixteen-year-old
boyfriend. This tragedy has brought to light chilling statistics on
the extreme and widespread nature of violence among teen
couples.
The most common trait of this form of violence is the need to
control and possess the victim just as in the violent adult
relationship. An abusive boyfriend often forces his girlfriend to
abandon other friends,
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become alienated from her family, spend all her time with him, or
even, as in Rosie Vargas' case, quit school.
The abuse generally starts with intimidation and verbal abuse,
including name-calling, put-downs, and exploiting insecurities
that are magnified during adolescence, such as the fear that no
one else will want to date the girl. It often involves the familiar
control issues, such as activity control and isolation from family
and friends. The abusive teen often displays the characteristic
"Jekyll and Hyde" personality swings. Physical violence may
follow the cyclical pattern, with tension, explosion, then promises
to change. The violence is often blamed on the girl, or
characterized as "no big deal." Forced sexual activity is often a
feature of these relationships. And, as in adult abusive
relationships, the violence often escalates when the woman
asserts her independence or tries to break off the relationship.
Yet there are special factors that may make teenagers more
susceptible to violent relationships than adults. As most of us
recall, self-esteem is especially vulnerable during adolescence.
There is probably no other time of life when self-image is so
shaky, and peer acceptance is crucial to a person's sense of self-
worth. People who work with teens in violent relationships
repeatedly hear statements like, "I feel like nobody without him."
Additionally, teenagers simply lack life experience. They do not
have the perspective of adults in making decisions. Young
women tend to be susceptible to romantic notions that "true love"
means an all-encompassing passion that allows for jealousy,
possessiveness, and aggression as a demonstration of devotion
and commitment. According to Barrie Levy, author of several
books about battering and teens, "They're more apt to think that
violence is what happens in a relationship. They tend to minimize
or romanticize it." Levy also notes that teens tend to subscribe to
more rigid gender roles and treat nonconformists harshly. Girls
feel they need to have a boyfriend to have a social identity, and
boys equate aggressive behavior with manliness.
Levy believes that even those with a mature perspective, who
know jealousy is not love and realize their abusive boyfriends are
not likely to change, still have a hard time leaving the
relationship. Many are afraid to tell their parents, so they turn to
friends for support. Yet their friends
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are likely to be in the same position or equally inexperienced in
dealing with such trauma.
It is easy to see how teens from homes in which the mother is
battered would have a distorted view. Yet the problem is not
limited to couples from violent homes. Studies estimate that as
many as two out of every five girls will be emotionally or
physically abused by a boyfriend or date. Few report the abuse to
parents or other adults. And the pattern starts when people are
very young. According to a study conducted at the University of
Illinois, fourteen-year-old girls suffer as much violence as
eighteen-year-olds. The limited research that has been done on
dating violence indicate the sad, but not surprising, fact that boys
who beat their girlfriends are the adult batterers of the future, and
girls who accept abuse as teenagers are far more likely to tolerate
it as adults.
Part of the blame has to rest with social attitudes toward
appropriate roles and behavior of children. Girls on grade school
playgrounds often think if boys hit or shove them, it means they
like them. Boys are expected to be tough; schoolyard fights are
considered normal, even a necessary rite of passage, by some.
Most parents still consider spanking an acceptable form of
discipline. Popular fiction aimed at teens, rock and rap lyrics,
movies, and music videos often mingle violence with depictions
of passion and sex. One California teen, quoted in an article that
appeared in The Orange County Register after the Vargas murder
said, ''Guys beating girls just seems normal. It starts when you're
thirteen or fourteen. The guys brag about it.''
"It drives me crazy," said Gina Philbert-Ortega, of the Southern
California Coalition on Battered Women, quoted in the same
article. "Adults want to dismiss it all as puppy love. But it's not.
It's deadly." She describes one teenage girl she counseled. The
fourteen-year-old dated a high school football star who beat her,
yet she was the envy of her friends. One day he pulled a knife
and nonchalantly sliced her arm for speaking to another boyas
though it was okay. Philbert-Ortega laments, "In a sense it was.
Adults aren't stopping it, and girls don't know how."
Another alarming aspect of violence among teens is the
prevalence of guns in the hands of increasingly younger
adolescents. This is of special
 Page 129
concern in areas plagued by gang violence. Cases in which
boyfriends or ex-boyfriends use guns to frighten, injure, or kill
young women and bystanders are becoming increasingly
frequent.
Young women face more obstacles when they do try to use the
resources available to adult victims. In many states, a minor will
have a more difficult time getting a protective order, especially if
she does not have an adult to support her in the process. Many
shelters and counseling programs also require adult permission.
Schools that do intervene often transfer the victimsreinforcing
the "blame-the-victim" mentality and making the girls perceive
they have done something shameful for which they are being
punished.
Violence, including rape, stalking, and battering, is also on the
rise on college campuses and among younger women in general.
A recent Canadian government study found women between the
ages of eighteen and twenty-four were twice as likely to report
having been the victims of violence during the year before the
study than older women.
Fortunately, more services geared toward young victims are
becoming available. In 1994, the National Coalition Against
Domestic Violence announced a teen dating violence resource
project to collect national information for a Teen Dating Violence
Resource Manual. The NCADV produces a video on dating
violence entitled "Rough Love" and other materials especially for
teen education and intervention. Many local groups, churches,
and schools have also begun to establish programs to prevent and
reduce violence among young couples.
One form of violence especially prevalent among young women
is as misunderstood as it is common. In her book Sexual
Violence: Our War Against Rape, Linda A. Fairstein reports that
over 50 percent of rapes are assaults by men who know their
victims. This statistic includes any case which involves previous,
nonviolent interaction between the people involved, so it
includes rapes by acquaintances, co-workers, and others as well;
but there is no question that a high number of these assaults
happen between dating couples.
There are two factors that make it difficult to stop this form of
abuse. First, many people think it is less traumatic or serious than
rape by a stranger; that it is not "real rape." In fact, it may be
more damag-
 Page 130
ing to a woman's long-term psychological health to be treated
brutally and violated in the most intimate way possible by
someone she knows and trusts. Studies of women who have
endured such assaults indicate they often suffer guilt, self-blame,
and social isolation, and doubt their ability to determine who can
be trusted. Second, when a woman is raped by a stranger the
main issue in the criminal prosecution is the identity of the rapist,
the assumption being that of course she was raped, but is the
accused the one who did it? A woman raped by someone she
knows must face additional questions regarding whether she was
raped at all. The most common defense to this type of rape is that
it was consensual.
Yet those who rape girlfriends, co-workers, and friends are
beginning to be convicted more often. As in any other criminal
case, what is required to convict a rapist is ample evidence to
prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. Credible testimony from
the victim can be enough. However, it is essential to have as
much evidence as possible. For this reason, and for the health of
a victim who may have suffered greater injury than is
immediately apparent, it is crucial that any rape victim seeks
immediate medical attention. The information she provides will
be kept confidential by the doctor unless the patient consents to
its release, and many hospitals have special advocates to help and
counsel all rape victims. Additionally, rape crisis hotlines and
centers provide services for victims of date or acquaintance rape,
as well as for those raped by strangers. Some young women, in
particular, are not aware of these sources of help.
If the victim decides to prosecuteas she shoulda medical report
can provide powerful evidence, even if there is no serious
physical injury. When sex is nonconsensual, there are
physiological differences that a doctor may be able to note.
If sexual assault between dating couples is to be treated as the
serious crime that it is, certain myths about rape, particularly rape
by husbands or boyfriends, must be shattered. Everyone must
learn what rape is and what it is not. Rape is not sex. The goal of
rape is not an expression of love, desire, or affection. Rape is an
act of violence. It is about control, degradation, hatred,
humiliation, and terror. Victims of rape include tiny infants to the
very elderly.
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Rapists are not all underprivileged, unattractive, or uneducated.
Highly publicized rape cases have involved doctors, judges,
politicians, professors, dentists, priests, men in stable marriages.
Againit can't be overemphasizedrape is not an act of sex. Men do
not rape because they cannot find a willing sex partner. They rape
a woman to hurt and degrade her.
I've heard men complain that charges of date rape are "unfair"
because many women play games, say no when they mean yes
because they think a struggle adds to the excitement; or "nice
girls" can't just consent, they have to be persuaded. I say baloney.
No means no. One wise man I know, who is now married, says
that in his dating days he occasionally ran across a woman who
seemed to be teasing when she said no. His response? "As soon
as I heard the word no, I stood up, zipped up, and headed
straight for the door. It was just a matter of respecting a person,
of decent behavior. And if she meant something other than no,
I'd find out soon enough!" A very smart policy.
Fortunately, law enforcement, the courts, and those in the social
service fields are beginning to see rape by acquaintances and
partners as the serious crime it is. As Linda Fairstein explains, the
goal and reward of people who work in these difficult jobs is to
be able to give the victims what they least expect and most
deserve: a just verdict in the courtroom and a more comfortable
path navigating through the criminal justice system.
Likewise, violence between adolescents is finally being taken
more seriously. Experts on dating violence generally agree that
the best way to keep adults from becoming batterers and rapists
is to attack the roots of the problem before and during
adolescence, through education and treatment; and that parents
and other authorities must snap to attention and recognize how
serious the problem really is. Professionals urge that girls be
taught what constitutes healthy and unhealthy dating behavior,
along with some basic techniques of self-defense and safety.
Boys must learn to treat their girlfriends with respectand that no
always means no. They must learn very early that power and
control over women are not positive masculine traits. Besides
direct education of the potential or current victims, school
authorities, social service workers, and other adults need to
develop programs for those involved in violent relationships that
do not make the victim feel she is being punished.
 Page 132
A few of the leading coalitions against domestic violence have
developed presentations on teen dating violence and date rape
that are provided to teens in schools. These groups may also
provide materials and assistance to teens for creating their own
groups to work against dating violence, train teachers to present
more extensive programs in the classroom, and distribute posters
and brochures. Health care professionals can intervene by
making victims aware of services and discussing their options
and alternatives. Shelter experience can be especially appropriate
for an adolescent, because she will hear the stories of older
women and learn that the violence does not end if she marries the
abuser, loves him more, or keeps forgiving him.
One thing that needs to be emphasized above all else: Men who
are violent in dating relationships do not change with
marriageexcept, very often, for the worse.
Special Programs for Children and Adolescents
In some areas, treatment programs are offered for the "forgotten
victims." Minnesota's Domestic Abuse Project (DAP),
headquartered in Minneapolis, has been a leader in this effort. It
offers support groups for children ages four to five, six to eight,
nine to twelve, and separate male and female groups for
adolescents. The groups meet for ten weeks, with a team of male
and female therapists. The program's goals are to help the
children:
1. Give responsibility for the violence to the appropriate person
2. Relieve feelings of shame and isolation
3. Deal with loss or separation from the abusive parent
4. Protect themselves from violence in the home
5. Express their feelings openly and appropriately
6. Resolve conflicts nonviolently
7. Cultivate healthy sex roles
8. Develop a healthy self-image
 Page 133
The group's most important overall goal is to break the cycle of
violence that repeats through the generations so the children can
resolve their trauma and grow into healthy individuals. DAP
offers manuals and training to other communities wishing to
establish groups for children (see appendix).
Unfortunately, Minneapolis is the exception, rather than the rule.
Children who witness violence tend to be the ignored victims,
unless they are also directly abused. Those social services that do
exist for children in or escaping violent families tend to focus,
understandably, on short-term emergency needs like food and
shelter. Given the severe trauma and ongoing psychological and
social problems these children faceincluding a greatly increased
likelihood of falling into patterns of violence themselvesgreater
attention to helping them is essential. Of course, not all children
who witness violence in the home grow up to be abusers or have
severe psychological problems. But even those who grow into
exemplary adults suffer. President Bill Clinton has spoken of the
anger he felt when he saw his stepfather abuse his mother.
Parents can help reassure children by explaining what is going on
and acknowledging that violence is a problem, that abuse is not
okay, and things need to change, but that it is not the children's
fault. School personnel, teachers, counselors, psychologists, and
social workers can also provide reassurance, comfort, and
counseling. Many local mental health organizations offer
counseling free or on a sliding fee scale according to income.
More and more of the same organizations that help abused
womenshelters, community programs, social service agencies,
private organizations like the YWCAare beginning to emulate
Minneapolis with similar programs. Most can at least provide
referrals to other services for children.
One Woman's Story
Author Rosemary L. Bray grew up in a home with a violent
father who battered her mother. Writing in Ms., she describes the
effects of this trauma on her life as an adult, wife, and mother.
She describes the way
 Page 134
her father kept the family "suspended in a state of terror," and her
mother's hopeless efforts that became the single goal of her life:
not to "get your father started."
Bray points out the absurdity of the fact that the most dangerous
place for a woman in the United States is the very place she
should feel safest, as should the forgotten victimsthe children
who grow up witnessing such a twisted version of the male-
female relationship.
She also confirms that even children who do not witness the
violence directly virtually always know ". . . the sound of every
blow, the vibration of every wall as their mothers' bodies hit, the
pitch of every voice raised in anger . . . those children lie crying
in their beds, praying (if they have words for prayers), begging
God or someone to make Mama and Daddy stop fighting, to
make Daddy stop hitting, to make Mama stop crying."
Bray says that though children may forgive, they never forget,
and the memories color their intimate relationships forever. She
speaks of the automatic terror that made her jump away when her
husband removed his belt one evening while changing clothes
and folded it in the same way her father did when he was about
to use his belt as a weapon. She writes of the difficulty of
allowing her husband the freedom to be angry, even though he
gently reminded her over and over that he was not her father, and
nothing like her father.
Parenthood is a special challenge, says Bray. She is the mother of
a young son, and describes how she wants, with all her heart, for
the cycle of violence to end with her. Yet she expresses a fear
common to children raised in violent homes, the constant worry
about whether they will eventually end up like their parents. She
wants her son to see parents who can become angry at one
another and resolve the problem with communication and
humor. Bray says she knew she would never allow a man to beat
her, yet she worries about whether she has learned enough about
handling her own anger. However, she says that to react toward
her son with violence would have been her father's final
victoryand she will not have it.
Bray also writes poignantly of the pain and loss she feels when
she hears her friends describe loving relationships with gentle,
protective
 Page 135
fathers. She says, "[I] would give anything to think of my daddy
the way other women do."

One Man's Story

Andy Martinez is a man I know to be gentle, fun-loving, quick to
laugh. He is a successful attorney in his early thirties, married to a
social worker/therapist and is the adoring father of a young
daughter. I have long been aware that he grew up in a violent
home, but I could never see how profoundly his background had
affected him until he agreed to share his experiences for this
book.
Andy's father grew up in a large southwestern ranching family,
the only one of eight children who went to college, which he
accomplished on the GI bill. His mother was raised in a poorer
family, more so after her father died when she was a young
teenager. At a very young age she became responsible for earning
money to help keep the family afloat.
Andy says his mother's first warning sign came the night before
her wedding, when his father demanded she give him her
paycheck. She also had a car she had shared with her sister and
planned to give back to her family after the wedding, but he
would not allow it, insisting she keep it for use as a family car.
Soon after the marriage, he decided they would move from New
Mexico to Los Angeles. "He cut her off from all her family and
friends, wouldn't let her keep in touch with them. It was like a
prison," Andy says.
Andy isn't sure when the physical abuse started, but believes it
began early in the marriage, and continued consistently
throughout. He is also uncertain when he first knew something
was wrong, but believes children are aware of discord between
their parents at a very young age. "My daughter is only sixteen
months old, and when my wife and I were arguing the other
night she picked up on the tone of our voices. She started patting
me on the leg, as though she was telling me to stop."
He recalls a terrifying nightmare he had at the age of four or five,
in which he dreamed he saw his mother's decapitated head rolling
around the living room floor. The first time he clearly remembers
seeing his father hit his mother was shortly after the family had
moved back to
 Page 136
New Mexico, when Andy was six. He awoke to hear his mother
screaming, felt frightened, and walked into the living room to see
what was happening. His father was on the floor on top of his
mother, strangling her. "She was begging him to stop, saying,
'The babywhat are you doing?' He looked up and saw me and
told me to go back to my room. I did, but I knew something was
very wrong. Later, my mother told me I probably saved her life
that night."
Andy, like many others in abusive families, learned to recognize
his father's slowly building anger. "We knew it was comingit was
like a tornado warning. The waiting was the worst part. My
mother and I would be walking on eggshells. My father had all
kinds of rules we had to obey. I had to have my hair combed at
the dinner table, things like that. We were always living in fear,
measuring our words. Little things could set him offleaving the
shampoo in the bathtub was a big deal."
A younger sister was born when Andy was eight. While the
abuse continued, the family dynamics had a different effect on
his sister. "She never would play his game," Andy says. "She
always spoke her mind and confronted him. And she never got
hit." Andy also says his father would occasionally beat his
mother in front of him, but never in front of his sister.
Andy's father would go on a severe rampage every two months
or so, but the violence did not follow the classic cycle. "He
usually showed no remorse. I remember a couple of times after a
bad episode my parents would sit down with me and try to
explain that they loved each other and these things 'just
happened.' But usually we just hoped he would get it over with
and be in a good mood for awhile."
Andy's father did demonstrate other typical characteristics of an
abuser, however. "We never had major problems with money, but
he was always miserly," Andy recalls. "He had to be in control of
everyone and everything. He was always reclusivehe had no
relationship with his family, no friends, no social life. He was
bitter about the people he had to work withthe family was all he
had. I don't doubt he was afraid of being abandoned. He and I
both enjoy following politics and current events, but at home he
would do the talking and my mother and I would listen."
Fortunately, Andy's mother did have a life outside the home.
"She was his oppositevery outgoing, had many friends, her
family was
 Page 137
important to her." Andy grew up much like his mother. He
remembers a few good times when the family seemed close, but
describes them as "only a fraction of the sad times." Even his
proudest childhood achievements were bittersweet. "When I was
in ninth grade, I won a rotary club speech contest. There was a
ceremony where all the kids who won gave their speeches and
received a prize, and parents were invited to attend. My mother
had to work, and my father didn't show up. I was the only one
there alone."
When Andy was fourteen, he began to intervene in the beatings
to try and protect his mother. Not surprisingly, his father then
turned his fists against his son. "I would step in and he would go
after me. Then he would stop, or at least focus his attention on
me so my mother had enough time to leave." This pattern
continued until his parents separated for the first time.
"My mother had tried to leave before," he recalls. "She would go
to the Laundromat, or get in her car and drive to the police
station and sit in the car. They knew what was going on, but
didn't do anything. She went to the local shelter two or three
times, but that saddened her. It was so hard for hershe was
afraid, but also embarrassed." Andy says his mother felt it was
important to keep the family together, and there was a stigma in
the community to being divorced. "We just wanted to live a
normal life," he says. ''Also, my mother worried about making
enough money to support us, and my father threatened that if she
left, he would provide no money."
Andy's parents finally separated when he left for college, but
reconciled after a couple of months. "I was really sad when my
mother took him back; sad to see him back in our home." Several
more separations and reconciliations followed over the next few
years.
Andy spoke to his father for the last time when he was in law
school and decided to get married. "I got engaged in January, but
didn't tell him until April. I couldn't share this with him. When I
finally went to give him the news, he just listened to me a few
moments and then left the room."
The final split between Andy's parents came when his mother
went to see his father to discuss plans for Andy's wedding. He
was waiting for her, and grabbed her by the hair and threw a jar
of urine and excrement
 Page 138
into her face. He beat her severely, and kept her up all night,
forcing her to listen to his abuse.
At this time, Andy was working as a summer law clerk. His
mother asked him to prepare a restraining order to keep his father
away from her and out of the home. With the assistance of one of
the lawyers at the firm, he drafted the papers and helped his
mother get one of the area's top family law firms to handle a
divorce. ''There was a moral victory of sorts in the divorce. My
mother got better than a 50-50 split on the property division, and
also recovered some compensation on a personal injury claim she
brought for the abuse. But it was sickening to see my father lie
under oath in his deposition, claiming he never hit her."
Fortunately, Andy's father agreed to leave the house and get his
own apartment, and has left his mother alone for the past six or
seven years.
"She's very happy now. No one will ever again tell her how to
run her life. She's more assertive, and doesn't take guff from
anyone. I'm proud of her. She's in her mid-fifties now, and she
regrets the time she lost, but the fact that she could get out and
start over after 32 years of abuse speaks volumes."
Andy reflects on the pain of his childhood with difficulty, even
now. "For the first eight years, I was an only child. It was hard
not having anyoneI always wondered what it would be like to
have an older brother or sister. I had no close friends that I felt
would understand. I thought this was a rare thing. Although we
were raised Catholic, we weren't a particularly religious family,
but I had no one to turn to but God. So I started praying a lot and
going to church on my own. I just wanted the hitting to stop,
wanted things to get better. I remember when I was in fifth grade,
I tried to make a deal with GodI would stop cussing if He would
make my father stop hitting my mother." He recalls many nights
alone in his room, praying and hoping.
Andy sees several traits in himself he believes to be a result of
growing up in a violent home. "I have problems dealing with any
conflict in my relationships with people. It's ironic that I became
a litigator, because I can't avoid discord in my work. But I never
want to address conflicts in my personal lifeI just hope they'll
blow over. It drives my wife crazy. That was always the bottom
line at homeI didn't care about finding a solution, I just wanted
the problem to go away."
 Page 139
Andy knew early on he would never be abusive like his father,
yet he feels his upbringing has influenced the kind of women he
has chosen as partners. "I've always been attracted to strong
women who wouldn't allow anyone to boss them around," he
says. "All the women I've loved have been very smart, tough,
bright, and independent. My wife works with children who have
been sexually abused, and adult incest survivors. She would
never put up with being abused herself."
Andy also sees the effect of his background in his relationship
with his daughter. "I was really afraid to be a parent. I want to do
everything right. I want her to grow up in a peaceful home, and
it's really important to me that she always sees her mother and I
showing respect for one another."
He also believes it is very important for both parents to be a part
of the child's life. "When my wife and I decided to have children,
I was really hoping to have a son, so I could do all the things for
him that my dad never did for me. I was hung up on providing
what was missing in my life to a son of my own. But now I know
that all children need a good father, and I can give as much to a
daughter, too. Plus I'm so in love with her that I can't imagine
having had any other child. We plan to have one or two more,
but now I don't care if they are girls or boys."
Andy feels a void in not having had a good father to guide him in
how to be a father to his own children. Yet he has always
remained very close to his mother, and is grateful to have had
good men, counselors, and close friends in his life to serve as
role models.
"A school counselor gave me a lot of support in ninth grade. She
had a really positive effect on me. My best friend's father was a
strong influence, too. In high school, I made several close friends
who were high achievers and showed me the importance of
college," he remembers. "Sports became very important to me,
too. Baseball and football gave me a chance to gain some self-
confidence, and be around other people who encouraged me."
Andy continued professional counseling as an adult. "I think
therapy is important for people who grew up around abuse. My
therapist really helped me come to terms with the past. Yet I
know the violence will always affect the way I look at things. For
instance, when I heard O.J. Simpson had been charged with
murder, I was really saddened. He had
 Page 140
been a big hero of mine when I was growing up. Then I heard
those 911 tapesheard the fear in Nicole's voiceand it brought back
my Mom's fear. I instantly lost all respect I'd ever had for O. J.
Anyone who beats their wife is a coward and should be locked
up."
Recently, Andy feels more sorrow than anger when he thinks
about his father. "I saw him once, not long ago, at the legislatureI
was lobbying, and he was there watching the session, as he has
always liked to do. It was sad and strangewe were standing 20
feet apart, but neither of us acknowledged the other. I've done
well in my life. I have a good career and a great family; I would
think he would be proud, that he would want to make some
attempt to know me. I can't understand why I'm not important
enough to him."
Andy also feels frustration when he hears about the continuing
widespread incidence of domestic violence. "We assume that if
we offer help and services they will be accepted and used. This
isn't necessarily true. People trying to help sometimes have no
concept of what emotional wrecks the victims are, or how hard it
is to pull out. These people are so damagedmany are just too
screwed up to take advantage of the help that's there. But we
have to try." Andy plans to volunteer for a local domestic
violence hotline that provides free legal advice to the victims. He
also feels personal intervention by friends who know of abuse in
a home can make a big difference. "Some of the peoplelike
coacheswho knew what was going on in my family could have
helped when I was growing up, but didn't do anything. So a
couple of times when I knew friends were abusing their wives
and subjecting their kids to this, I told them I had first-hand
knowledge of what abuse can do to a family and that they had
better get help. A couple of them did. So it can be done."
Andy has become an exceptional person with a stable and
rewarding life. Yet the emotional scars remain. "I've had a
recurring nightmare for five or six years now, that I go home to
see my mother and he's thereshe has let him come back again.
I've had that dream hundreds of times. I don't know if it will ever
stop."
 Page 141

Chapter Six
Domestic Violence and the Law
Ironically, some of our most cherished ideals of personal liberty
and individual freedom have helped create a climate in which
abuse of family members has flourished. Since the Declaration of
Independence, Americans have fiercely opposed government
interference in private life. Limited political power and strong
individual rights have been espoused as ideals since the dawn of
our nation. Yet the words of the Declaration of Independence
declaring "all men are created equal" are not without significance.
Throughout the nineteenth and well into the twentieth century, all
the rights belonged exclusively to mennot to women and children
who were considered the chattel of males.
As recently as the 1970s, most judges followed the predominant
social trend, and ultimately based their decisions on the idea that
"family matters" were outside the jurisdiction of the court. They
felt (as some still do) that the power of the law ended at the
threshold of the home.
However, great changes have occurred over the past twenty
years. During the 1980s, nearly all states enacted domestic
violence reform statutes which, among other things, set
procedures for obtaining a civil
 Page 142
protection, or restraining, order. This was, in many cases, the first
tool offered to victims besides filing a criminal complaint or
getting a divorce.
Today, there are three basic areas of the law in which victims of
domestic violence can find help. These include criminal law, civil
law, and family law. Most of the laws involved are state laws,
although in some instances federal law or local (city and county)
law may come into play, especially in large cities. However, most
of the concepts discussed in this chapter with regard to state law
apply to the other laws as well.
Criminal Law and the Criminal Justice System
Often, the first place a woman turns to stop immediate abuse is
the police department. The police enforce criminal laws, and also
provide referrals to available services such as shelters, medical
treatment, and counseling programs.
Criminal law refers to laws against crimes such as assault, battery,
and murder. These laws give police the authority to arrest a
person reasonably believed to have broken the law. Then the
state, through its prosecutors (district or state's attorneys),
prosecutes the crime in the court system.
The goals of criminal law are deterrence (discourage the offender
and others from committing the crime); rehabilitation
(counseling, therapy, and education programs that teach
offenders why and how to change their behavior); victim
protection (in the case of domestic violence, helping the victim
terminate the relationship and keep the abuser away, plus
financial and psychological support); and punishment. Most
sentences try to achieve all or most of these goals.
The law continues to evolve, with many new innovations and
ideas being discussed and implemented. Some advocates urge
strict application of the "three strikes, you're out" felony
conviction laws that provide life imprisonment for anyone
convicted of three felonies. Others promote a graduated penalty
system, similar to that used against DUI (Driving Under the
Influence of alcohol or drugs) offenders, in which each
subsequent conviction brings a stiffer penalty. Efforts are also
underway to invoke the same public outrage against domestic
violence
 Page 143
as has grown against DUI, another crime that kills and injures far
too many innocent victims.
The Criminal Justice System
The "criminal justice system" refers to the different people and
systems that work together to enforce the criminal laws. It usually
includes police, prosecutors, and judges. It may also include the
corrections system, which is made up of jails, prisons, probation
departments, and parole boards.
The crime victim is never charged a fee in a criminal case, but
under the traditional system, she must cooperate with the police
by signing a report and with the prosecutor by pressing charges,
appearing in court as a witness, and providing evidence of the
crime. If the person accused of the crime pleads guilty or is
convicted, he or she will be sentenced to various penalties, which
may include paying a fine, spending time in jail or prison, serving
a period of probation (supervised release with restrictions on
behavior), and/or paying restitutionthat is, paying the victim
money to cover the damage caused by the criminal actions. In
domestic violence cases, convicted abusers are also often
required to obey orders to stay away from their victims, complete
a program of counseling or treatment, or perform community
service.
Both the criminal laws and the way in which they are enforced
have been the target of serious reform efforts by advocates
against domestic violence at all levels, from local groups and
individuals who speak out to state legislatures and the United
States Congress. Much remains to be done, but tremendous
progress has been made, especially since the message is getting
across that one of the best ways to put an immediate stop to a
domestic assault, and to make a lasting impression on the abuser,
is for the police to arrest him and take him to jail.
Domestic Violence Laws
All states now have special laws setting criminal penalties for
domestic abuse. Some local jurisdictions (cities and counties)
have these laws on the books as well, often to incorporate special
services that are available locally, such as batterer treatment
programs.
 Page 144
These laws are patterned after the traditional assault and battery
laws, which make threatening or striking a person a crime. Most
have both felony (serious crimes that can result in a prison
sentence) and misdemeanor (minor crimes that bring a fine or jail
sentence) classifications. They also provide for different degrees
of the crime, depending on circumstances such as whether a
weapon is used, the age of pregnancy of the victim, and the
severity of the injuries inflicted.
Many of these laws contain special provisions to insure that the
abuser can be immediately jailed for the victim's protection then
swiftly brought before the court for arraignment. In this
procedure, the person charged with a crime is brought to court,
enters his or her plea, and is advised about alternatives. A
separate hearing is usually scheduled for setting bail or denying
release, but some domestic violence laws combine these
proceedings. Often, a protection order (also called a "restraining
order," "protective order," or ''stay away order") prohibiting
contact with the victim will be issued and an offender will be sent
into a treatment program, with the provision that he obey the
order and attend the program or return to jail.
One of the most important changes that has come about as states
have modified or enacted laws specifically addressing domestic
violence is the exception to the usual requirement that a police
officer must witness a misdemeanor in action to make an arrest.
In most states, an officer on a domestic call need only see some
evidence that a crime has been committed, and a woman's
injuries will suffice.
Many states now have mandatory arrest laws, which require a
police officer to arrest the abuser if he or she has good reason to
believe there has been a criminal domestic assault. Until recently,
the usual procedure in most domestic violence cases was to try
and mediate the dispute, or convince the man to calm down.
However, arrest is the preferred response today. Some police
departments require officers to complete an incident report even
if no arrest is made, so the department can monitor the officers'
response, share information with others in the system, and keep
records and information about domestic abuse.
In June, 1994, the Family Violence Prevention Project of the
National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges unveiled
the Model Code on
 Page 145
Domestic and Family Violence, the culmination of a three-year
endeavor funded by the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation. "Model
laws" such as this one may be adopted in whole or in part, or
declined, by each state. The council is also developing computer
data bases and publications for state, community and individual
use.
Laws Prohibiting Insurance Discrimination
According to an informal survey conducted in 1994 by the U.S.
House Judiciary Committee, up to half of the nation's largest
insurance companies have routinely used domestic violence as a
factor in deciding whether to approve applicants for insurance
coverage and how much to charge for premiums. Some insurers
refusing coverage to victims or denying their claims have
characterized abuse as a "pre-existing condition." Other
companies have denied health, life, and disability insurance to
victims of domestic violence on the absurd ground that abuse is a
"lifestyle choice"like smoking or skydiving. In the words of
Congressman Bernard Sanders, who introduced federal
legislation to prohibit such discrimination, "Domestic violence is
not a choice, but a crime.''
Fortunately, both the law and the insurance industry have
responded to put a stop to such unfair practices. Many states have
passed or introduced legislation prohibiting insurance companies
from discriminating against abuse victims. As of 1996, thirteen
states had already passed such laws, and bills were pending in
about a dozen others. Most of these laws prohibit insurers from
using domestic violence as a basis for refusing to insure an
individual or from charging a higher premium because that
person has been or might become a domestic violence victim.
Legislation is also pending at the federal level. Congressman
Sanders' Victims of Abuse Insurance Protection Act, which has
been endorsed by many national advocacy groups, would
prohibit discrimination against abuse victims in all lines of
insurance, including health, life, property, disability, and casualty.
The National Association of Insurance Commissioners has also
responded by adopting a model act prohibiting unfair
discrimination against abuse victims in health benefits plans. It
prohibits denial or
 Page 146
termination of health insurance on the basis of abuse status;
exclusion of coverage for losses incurred by an insured as a
result of abuse; termination from group coverage of a victim who
was insured in the name of her abuser, whom she has divorced
or left, or who terminated her coverage; and disclosure by an
insurer of any information about the insured's abuse status.
Rape and Sexual Assault
All states have laws against rape and other forms of sexual
assault. Penalties for this type of abuse vary depending on the
degree of the crime. Until recently, men who raped their wives
could not be criminally prosecuted. This distinction was based on
the ancient belief that marriage itself implied consent to any form
of sexual activity at any time during the marriage. A few states
still follow this ludicrous assumption.
In most states, however, these laws have been reformed as horror
stories of terrifying, degrading, and truly sick sexual assaults by
abusers on their wives have come to light. Now, men who rape
their wives can be criminally prosecuted, although all but a few
states consider marital rape a less serious crime than stranger
rape. In some places, a man cannot be convicted of raping his
wife unless they are living apart.
Stalking Laws
According to several credible estimates, at least half of the
women who end abusive relationships are later followed,
harassed, or threatened by their abusers.
"Stalking" may include following, spying upon, or harassing
another person with unwanted attention, often involving
telephone calls, visits, and letters. Until 1990, no state recognized
stalking as a separate crimethe behavior had to cross the line to fit
within one of the other recognized crimes such as trespassing,
assault, or theft. Today, most states have enacted laws that give
the police the power to arrest, and judges the power to punish the
act of stalking itself.
Stalking is a frequent problem for women who have left a violent
relationship. Dr. Lenore Walker has stated that she considers
stalking a
 Page 147
part of battering behavior. Others estimate that as many as 90
percent of the women who are eventually murdered by former
husbands or boyfriends are first stalked.
Stalking laws are difficult for legislators to draft, and sometimes
for police to enforce, because of the fine line between making the
law broad enough to be effective against stalking behavior,
without violating important individual rights of free speech,
movement, privacy, and association. For example, people
generally have the right to go where they please and speak to
whomever the wish. But if a person persists in following,
watching, and calling another who has asked to be left alone,
such behavior goes beyond constitutionally protected activity and
becomes a crime. The difficulty arises in trying to write a law that
draws the line at the right place. Some states have had to rewrite
their laws after court challenges, others are watching to see what
happens as the existing laws are modified. The laws and the
penalties they provide vary greatly. In California, for example,
stalking may be either a felony or a misdemeanor, depending on
whether a restraining order is being violated or how serious the
threat or activity is.
The Police. Women are frequently advised to call 911 when
attacked. This is good advice, and can save lives. But it shouldn't
be the only part of the rescue plan. Depending on the community,
the chances of prompt, effective, serious attention from the
police range from outstanding to just about none.
Most departments now recommend or require police to arrest an
abuser rather than try to mediate the dispute or make him leave
for awhile to ''cool down." Until recently, however, many police
officers, prosecutors, and judges believed that arresting an
assailant was not the most desirable alternative, and could
actually make matters worse. The primary concern was to try and
reduce the trauma to the family and the risk to the abuser's
reputation, and perhaps his job, by avoiding the stigma associated
with arrest. Furthermore, the victim was usually required to
decide whether or not to press charges. Many were either
intimidated or cajoled into not signing charges in the first place,
or dropping them later.
 Page 148
These old methods remain in place in some areas, but important
changes have been happening in the last ten to fifteen years as
people are taking a closer look at the issue of family violence and
learning that the old ways don't work. In 1980, the National
Organization of Police Chiefs, a police executive research
organization, studied the problem of domestic violence and
issued a recommendation that police arrest batterers rather than
attempt mediation. A landmark study conducted in Minneapolis
in 1984 that compared three typical police responses to domestic
abuse found that arrest was the most effective in stopping
subsequent violence. This led to a recommendation by the U.S.
Attorney General that arrest should be the standard police
procedure when officers respond to domestic assault calls.
Today, even states that do not have mandatory arrest laws often
have departmental policies requiring arrest. A highly publicized
lawsuit found that a police department that ignored a woman's
pleas for help was in violation of her civil rights, and had to pay
her $2.6 million dollars in 1985, helped spur widespread
adoption of arrest policies.
Twenty-five states now require by law that police make an arrest
when called to the scene of a violent domestic dispute in which
there is "probable cause" to support criminal charges. That means
enough evidence at the scene to support the reasonable
conclusion that a crime has been committed. A woman's injuries
will usually satisfy this requirement.
Other states have laws that require police to remain at the scene
of a domestic violence call until the victim is safe, and to help her
get medical treatment, shelter services, and/or a protective order.
In some places, police call a shelter advocate who contacts or
visits the victim. Still other officers carry written information for
victims about their legal rights and social service options. Some
police departments forward domestic assault reports directly to
prosecutors who obtain a protection order for the victim and
proceed against the criminal without her involvement.
Technology has also assisted in the battle against domestic
violence. Batterers may be required to wear an electronic bracelet
as a condition of a restraining order. The victim carries a beeper,
which will go off if the abuser comes within one hundred yards.
Although this is not widely used yet, such options are becoming
increasingly available.
 Page 149
Better technology also allows expansion of services to victims by
allowing certain procedures, which formerly had to wait until
business hours, to be completed at night or on a weekend,
sometimes still at the scene of the crime. For example, on-call
judges, prosecutors, and advocates can work with police via fax
to obtain immediate protection orders.
Cambridge, Massachusetts, and thirty other cities now have
"panic buttons" that are made available to women who are
especially at risk for domestic violence. Such people include
women who are being stalked by a former abusive partner after
leaving the relationship, those who have received threats from an
abuser, those with a protection order against an abusive partner,
and those whose former abuser is about to be released from jail.
The button is a small electronic device that can be carried around
the home and out into the yard. It gets a message to the police
more quickly than a telephone call, and the message is registered
as an immediate priority. Cambridge police respond to button
calls within two to three minutes.
Many states and communities have undertaken valiant efforts to
improve police response to domestic violence. Such efforts
include training programs to teach officers the dynamics of the
abusive relationship and how to best handle family violence calls,
and changes in the law so police will treat domestic violence calls
as seriously as they treat calls reporting violence between
strangers.
Problems sometimes arise in conjunction with mandatory arrest
laws. Women may be arrested too, if they are trying to defend
themselves against the batterer. In one case, a man who beat his
pregnant girlfriend was arrested for aggravated assault. She threw
a bottle at his truck, and was charged with assault with a deadly
missile and violently resisting arrest. His bail was set at $3,000;
hers was $10,000.
Mandatory arrest must also be followed by consistent
prosecution. In some areas, as few as five percent of the
offenders arrested are prosecuted. Furthermore, policy does not
guarantee practice, and arrest rates are still not consistent in some
areas, although law or policy mandates arrest. In a 1994
Associated Press news story, it was reported that a man convicted
of beating a stranger in Cook County, Illinois (Chicago and
 Page 150
vicinity), is 50 percent more likely to go to jail than if he is found
guilty of beating his wife or girlfriend.
Most police officers in America have no special training in
handling domestic violence, yet as many as forty percent of all
calls requiring police response are domestic disturbances.
Training programs such as one developed by the San Francisco
Family Violence Prevention Fund are becoming widely available
to teach officers both the dynamics behind the violent
relationship and the practical aspects of how to handle
enforcement challenges in these difficult situations.
In some areas, special domestic violence units have been
established. Albuquerque, New Mexico, was one of the first U.S.
cities to create a special team of police devoted exclusively to
dealing with domestic violence calls. This unit, called the DART
(Domestic Abuse Response Team), is composed of officers
specially trained in the nature of the violent relationship, the
psychology of abusers, effective communication with victims,
and the steps necessary to get the abusers into court and make the
charges stick. Officers not only respond to family violence calls
and arrest abusers, but offer transportation for victims who need
to go to a hospital or shelter, assistance with protection orders,
and even on-the-spot counseling. In one case, a woman who
mentioned marriage counseling after an attack was told by an
officer that she didn't need marriage counselingbecause she was
not the problem. The officer explained that the abuser had the
problem with power and control, and needed domestic violence
and anger management counseling. Victims are often surprised
but appreciative when they receive such advice, especially if, as
with the case of this abused woman, they have not been treated
well by the police on past calls.
These specially trained officers often find themselves having to
educate not only victims and abusers but their fellow police
officers as well. Even those in the front lines of law enforcement
still ask the woman, "Why didn't you leave?" instead of asking
the criminal, "Why are you beating her?"
DART officers also carry tape recorders on all calls. Because so
many victims recant charges (one officer estimated the figure
may be as high as 95 percent), Albuquerque has instituted a
mandatory prosecution policy.
 Page 151
Once an abuser is arrested, charges will be filed regardless of
whether or not the victim changes her mind. The district attorney
can rely on the tape recording and the officer's written statement
as evidence. According to former District Attorney Bob
Schwartz, who instituted the policy, this mandatory prosecution
also acts as a preventive measure, designed to stop the violence
early before it escalates, as is often the case when abusers receive
the message they are above the law and will not be punished.
An ongoing partnership between police and social services is,
police officers stress, absolutely crucial. Police emphasize that
they must have the tools to make the situation safe for the victim
and children not just immediately, but on a long-term basis as
well. This requires a coordinated commitment involving the
criminal justice system, civil domestic violence commissioners,
and others involved in education, services, and enforcement of
the laws against family violence. Police stress that intervention
needs to be strong and immediate the first time a perpetrator is
caughtbecause that is seldom his first offense. As one member of
Albuquerque's DART team remarked, "It's frustrating when you
put your life on the line to save someone, then you go to work
the next day and find out they're dead." Officers stress that all
offenderswhether male, female, or juvenile, must be held
accountable with real consequences.
This type of joint effort between police and prosecutors is
essential if mandatory arrest laws are to have a meaningful effect.
Dedicated police officers who follow arrest policies are
understandably frustrated when perpetrators are set free and
cases are never completed.
Two things seem to be necessary to assure law enforcement
follows arrest rules: first, disciplinary action against officers who
violate the rules and, second, training of police in the dynamics
of the violent relationship so they understand why mediation
doesn't work and why arrest is so important. Communities that
have a coordinated program in which police, courts, and social
services work and train together generally have the highest levels
of arrest and overall success in lowering rates of domestic
violence.
Criminal justice is changing as society finally begins to see
domestic violence as a serious crime. States are also getting
tougher with abusers who violate protective orders. Colorado
recently passed a law that not
 Page 152
only requires police to take an abuser into custody at the scene of
the violence, but also mandates arrest for the first violation of a
protection order. Subsequent violations bring mandatory jail
time.
In a national crime survey conducted between 1978 and 1982,
nearly half of all the incidents of domestic violence discovered
had not been reported to the police. Many women do not call the
police due to fear, distrust of the system, or shame, or because
they do not know that domestic violence is a crime.
Understandably, many fear that if they do call the police, their
abusers will become more vicious. Yet the same study showed
that 41 percent of the married victims who did not call the police
were assaulted by their abusers again within a six-month period,
while among those who did call only 15 percent were battered
again within six months.
If you are given the option of whether or not to press charges so
the abuser can be arrested, realize that by doing so you will be
doing the best possible thing for both you and him. Some studies
have shown that police arrest of batterers can cut repeat offenses
in half.
If you live in an area where the police are known to respond
more slowly to domestic calls, some experts suggest there is no
need to state that it is your partner who is beating you when you
call for help. Simply state that you are being attacked or beaten
up.
Be sure the officers see your injuries and note them in the report,
even if you don't think they are severe or you are not going to
seek medical attention. Point out damage to property, and give
them broken dishes or torn clothing as evidence if they don't ask.
Be sure to tell the officers if the abuser has a history of violence,
or if there is a protection order in effect. If there are witnesses
such as neighbors, tell the officers their names and addresses.
It's best from both a medical and legal standpoint to get your
injuries checked even if you don't think they are serious. You
may be injured internally and, even if your injuries are minor, the
fact that you sought medical aid for domestic abuse can be
powerful evidence in later legal proceedings.
Effective police training must involve not only departmental
procedures, but the rationale behind them. Officers need to
understand the dynamics of the abusive home and the pressures
on battered women,
 Page 153
which may effect their willingness to be cooperative in matters
such as leaving the home and pressing charges.
Prosecutors. Prosecutors are the attorneys who work for the state
to put criminals behind bars. They may be called district
attorneys ("DAs"), state's attorneys, city attorneys, or simply
prosecutors, depending on the location. According to traditional
procedures, a prosecutor could not proceed with a case against a
batterer unless the victim signed a complaint against him, or
pressed charges, as it was called. This was often a problem,
because the victim was frequently intimidated or charmed into
dropping charges. However, since domestic violence is a crime
against society as well as the victim, many jurisdictions have
adopted new policies that allow prosecution of the abuser
without requiring the victim to press charges. These "no-drop"
policies allow the prosecutor to make a strong statement to the
offender and the public that domestic violence is a crime and will
be treated accordingly.
In some places, prosecutors employ advocates to help victims
understand and use the judicial system, to provide emotional
support, and to be certain important information is exchanged
between the victim and the prosecutor. Advocates help victims
navigate their way through the civil and criminal court systems,
coordinate with social service programs according to what each
victim needs, and be sure the others in the process, like
prosecutors and judges, are aware of special circumstances, such
as threats and danger to victims who plan to testify.
The prosecutor usually has choices about what penalties to seek
against an offender, depending on the circumstances of the
individual case. Some states allow the option of sending the
abuser to a treatment program, either along with some jail time or
instead of incarceration. Treatment may also be a condition of
probation. In most of these programs, the charges against the
offender will be dropped if he successfully completes the
program and obeys the court's other orders (such as staying away
from the victim). If he does not finish the program, commits
another crime, or violates a court order, the prosecutor can refile
the charges. The programs are generally not offered to repeat
offenders or those with very violent histories.
 Page 154
Given the increasing efforts to strengthen laws against domestic
violence throughout the 1990s, most prosecutors feel that the
laws on the books are now adequate, for the most part. What is
needed is better application and use of these existing laws. Many
areas are developing standard operating procedures for police
responding to a domestic violence call, often including special
tools such as Polaroid's photo kit and a checklist prepared by the
prosecutor's office, so police won't overlook any important
evidence and will be sure to include all appropriate charges.
Also, some areas have developed special protocols for situations
in which the perpetrator is a police officer. Police trainers
emphasize that there should be no "professional courtesy" and
that these abusers should be treated like others. The decision on
what charges to file can also be crucial.
Most prosecutors believe that officers should bring felony
charges where appropriate, for several reasons. In many areas,
resources are limited and felonies are more likely than
misdemeanors to be quickly and carefully prosecuted,
investigated, and documented. The "three strikes, you're out"
felony laws, which provide for life imprisonment after the third
felony conviction, may be a powerful deterrent for batterers who
are made aware that such laws will be strictly enforced in their
jurisdiction.
What appears at first blush to be a misdemeanor battery may
support felony charges upon closer examination. Everyday
objects may become weapons every bit as deadly as a gun or
knife in the hands of an enraged batterer. The use of an object
such as a lamp, chair, or cord against a victim may constitute
assault with a deadly weapon, which can raise available charges
to the felony level. Also, threats or orders to a child to keep quiet
about what happenedwhich batterers frequently make in front of
police officersamount to intimidation of a witness, and this, too,
is usually a felony. Interfering with a 911 call, or any other
interference with one trying to contact law enforcement about the
commission or possible commission of a felony is also a felony
in most states.
Judges. Judges who are committed to giving domestic violence
priority as a serious crime can have a tremendous effect on both
criminal justice and public attitudes. When men started
murdering womenone every
 Page 155
nine daysin Massachusetts in 1992, Governor William Weld
proposed a change in the bail system. In this state, judges are
allowed to consider both the traditional primary question in
setting bail, namely whether or not the offender is likely to show
up for trial, as well as whether or not the defendant poses a threat
to any individual or the community.
Judges can make a difference in the community in several distinct
ways. First, a judge who consistently holds offenders accountable
by stiff, yet fair penalties, with opportunities for treatment where
appropriate, sends a powerful message to other offenders and the
community in general that domestic violence is serious and will
not be tolerated. Second, a judge who follows through on
enforcement of orders gives the victims a sense of power and
security, and emphasizes the underlying message that violence
will not be tolerated. Third, judges are community leaders whose
opinions tend to be respected and followed. A judge can do
much to influence community attitudes, both by setting an
example on the bench and by actively becoming involved in
domestic violence councils, education programs, and task force
groups. Many training programs for judges who hear domestic
violence cases are available, and some states now require them.
When the criminal justice system works as a true system, it saves
lives, makes the jobs of all those participating easier and more
rewarding, and increases public respect for the police, because
the real consequences of their efforts are visible.
In some states, writing a bad check for twenty-five dollars is a
felony, while beating a spouse nearly to death is a misdemeanor.
The injuries typically suffered by a battered woman are as serious
as those inflicted in 90 percent of violent felony crimes, yet,
under state law, domestic assault is classified as a misdemeanor
in the vast majority of cases. These laws must change. Batterers
must be treated as the dangerous, violent criminals that they are,
and made to answer for their crimes in the same way as other
criminals. This means calling a felony a felony, with all the
appropriate consequencesincluding life imprisonment for the
third conviction in jurisdictions with the ''three strikes" rule. The
wisdom of such severe sanctions is supported by studies that
show most batterers who are not stopped go on to abuse woman
after woman.
 Page 156

Civil Law
Civil law involves disputes between private parties. Various types
of civil proceedings may be used in domestic violence cases.
Protection Orders
A civil protection order is a legally binding court order that
prohibits a person who has committed an act of domestic
violence from further contacting, abusing, or harassing the
victim. The procedures for obtaining these orders are set up
under state law. They may be issued by a state or local court,
depending on the jurisdiction. They are also called restraining
orders, protective orders, or stay-away orders, depending on the
court that issues them. In the interest of clarity, this chapter refers
to all of them as protection orders.
In addition to providing that the perpetrator must stay away from
the victim, a protection order may (depending on the law of each
state) divide a couple's property, require the abuser to leave the
home, pay his victim's medical bills, make restitution for damage
to property, and pay spousal and child support.
There are two types of protection orders. Ex parte orders and
usually considered emergency orders that can be quickly issued
to a woman on her own, without bringing her abuser into court.
The victim generally files papers stating the facts of the case and
providing other information, then a hearing is scheduled quickly.
She appears in court, and if the judge is satisfied that there is a
good reason to proceed with the order, he or she issues the order
with specific rules that must not be violated. If the order is not
obeyed, the abuser usually can be arrested immediately and taken
to jail, as well as face additional penalties. These orders always
expire after a fairly short period of time, usually thirty or sixty
days. During that period, a hearing is scheduled at which both
parties are ordered to appear. The court hears both sides, then
decides whether or not to drop the order, extend it for another
temporary period, or issue a full or permanent orderthe second
type. This order remains in effect much longer (up to three years
in some areas) and can be renewed if the threat of violence
continues. Such orders are sometimes called injunctions.
 Page 157
When the perpetrator appears for a hearing on a civil protection
order, the proceedings are held generally on the record and under
oath, with parties advised of their Fifth Amendment rights.
Records of these proceedings is can be extremely helpful to
prosecutors, who often admit the abuse but try to make excuses
for it. When perpetrators make statements under oath in a civil
hearing, prosecutors may use these statements if the victim or
perpetrator recants in the criminal trial.
In most states, the judge may add various provisions besides the
order to stay away. He or she may make temporary provisions to
evict the batterer from the home, set child custody, and order
child or spousal support. The primary goal is to keep the couple
apart and prevent future harm, rather than punishing the
abuserthat will be up to the criminal court.
The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges
recommends that civil restraining orders (protection orders)
should be available to everyone, and issued ex parte (without
requiring the other party, the abuser, to be in court) in cases
where violence has happened or has been threatened. The
Council believes orders should address:
1. The safety of the victims at home, school, work, and other
places they could be subjected to harassment or potential
violence
2. Child custody and visitation
3. Telephone threats or harassment
4. Removal of the perpetrator from the home
5. Financial support and maintenance for the victim and children
6. Weapons in the home or in the possession of the abuser
7. Physical description of the abuser
8. Expiration date
9. Instructions addressing how to modify the order
10. Service upon the abuser by a law enforcement officer, with
notice and the opportunity for a speedy hearing
The order should remove the abuser from the home and allow
the victim and children to remain with protection, safety plans,
and support. Judges should not issue ''mutual" protection orders.
 Page 158
Protection orders may also be issued by a criminal court as a part
of the batterer's arraignment or sentencing. They are often
imposed as a condition of bail or pretrial release. A divorce
decree can also incorporate such an order. Prosecutors, other
attorneys, victim advocates, or court office staff can provide
information about the types of protection orders available in each
jurisdiction.
Protection orders are important for several reasons. Obtaining
such an order is often the first step a woman makes toward
protecting herself, entering the network of helping agencies, and
getting free of abuse. Also, police response is often quicker and
immediate arrest more likely if the abuser is violating a court
order. The law generally provides separate penalties for violating
a protective order, in addition to the penalties a person faces for
assault or stalking.
In many places, anyone found violating a protection order is sent
immediately to jail. In most places he or she can be charged with
civil contempt of court, and some courts allow criminal contempt
charges. Others have mandatory periods of time in jail, which
often increase with each new violation. Some courts order
counseling and restitution for damage to the victim, as in a case
where the abuser destroys a victim's property.
However, protection orders are not bulletproof. While many
abusers take them seriously, many others ignore them or become
more enraged. Any woman who has taken out such an order
should be especially conscious of her safety. Tips on safety are
listed in chapter 8.
Many women find the court system difficult and the procedure
for getting a protection order intimidating. In response, many
court systems have developed simplified forms, bilingual
assistance, trained court employees who can help, and social or
legal advocates. More progressive communities, generally in
larger cities, have offices with trained personnel who do nothing
but work with women seeking protection orders. Often, all that is
required to set the process in motion is filling out a simple form.
For example, in Albuquerque, two domestic violence special
commissioners now work with victims seeking civil protection
orders. The commissioners act as an arm of the district judges,
under the auspices of
 Page 159
the state Family Violence Protection Act, primarily in family
court. In other areas, court advocates or other court staff assist
victims in completing forms and provide other forms of help.
The roles of such individuals vary. For example, the
Albuquerque commissioners are attorneys and are empowered to
conduct hearings and make recommendations to judges. Others
merely assist victims, the majority of whom represent themselves
without a lawyer, in completing the steps required to apply for an
order. According to a study published in 1997 in criminal justice
literature, efforts to make civil protection orders more user
friendly have worked, with more and more victims completing
the process.
In others, however, loopholes and unnecessary complexity
remain. Some court personnel are unable or unwilling to help
women with forms and procedures. Some areas pose logistical
problems such as great distances between outlying towns and the
county seat, short court hours and no emergency services, and
time-consuming processes that make it difficult for women who
must take time off work or find baby-sitters. In other areas,
systems remain complicated and require the help of an attorney.
They simply aren't as "user-friendly" as they need to be if they
are to fill the needs they are designed to serve. Not surprisingly,
communities with coordinated systems in which all participants
help and communicate have fewer problems making protective
orders useful, effective tools available to all who need them.
Under the Constitution's Full Faith and Credit clause, all states
must give full faith and credit to protection orders issued by
courts of other states. Also, the federal Violence Against Women
Act mandates that an out-of-state order of protection be
"enforced as if it were the order of the enforcing State," yet
problems remain. Some states still lack effective procedures to
implement this federal guarantee. For example, some require that
the order be filed with the court in the new state, and notice
provided to the battererwhich may thwart the victim's efforts to
escape and start overand may immediately jeopardize her safety.
Efforts are underway to remove the remaining glitches, but those
who may need to enforce an out-of-state order would be well
advised to contact a local agency soon after relocating to ensure
problems won't arise later. Federal law requires that all who may
have a say in enforcing a
 Page 160
protective orderpolice, lawyers, judges, and court clerksshould
treat an order that appears to be valid and current as though it
had been issued by a court in that state.
Many states are developing statewide registries for protection
orders, and work is underway to develop a system to bring all
orders of protection into the National Crime Information Center,
run by the FBI, so officers may verify an order's validity
immediately from anywhere in the country. In the meantime,
advocates urge that there should be a presumption of validity
whenever an order is presented, because it probably is, and the
risk of harm and police liability is far greater if a valid order is
not enforced than if an invalid one is.
Another problem in some places is the tendency of judges to
issue mutual orders declaring that both parties stay away from
each other. Mutual protection orders are undesirable for several
reasons. First, they trivialize the nature of domestic violence by
suggesting both parties are to blame. Second, they are confusing
to police, who often do nothing or arrest both partieswhich can
result in children being placed in foster care. Judges often believe
that dual charges "wipe each other out." Such results discourage
the victim from counting on the justice system for help.
Gaps do remain in the law, and advocates must be resourceful.
For instance, in New Mexico, commissioners have no jurisdiction
to issue civil protection orders against juveniles. Yet a
commissioner in Albuquerque reports encountering a case
involving two fourteen year olds with a one-and-a-half-year-old
child! Until such shortcomings are changed through legislation,
commissioners must seek the assistance of children's court or try
to work informally with the parents. While they can't issue an
order, they can talk to those involved about options or try to
make the parents responsible. For example, a girl's parents may
have an order issued against her boyfriend.
Also, enforcement of protection orders by the justice system is
one of its primary weaknesses. Orders have more teeth when
they are personally served upon the abuser by a uniformed police
officer; when the abuser is required to report to authorities
periodically (as though on probation); and when they are in effect
in areas where response to reports of violation is immediate.
Most jurisdictions now have mandatory arrest rules, which
 Page 161
require an officer to arrest the violator when he or she is satisfied
a violation of an order has been committed, whether or not the
officer witnesses the violation. Consistent and strict punishment
for violation of orders is important both to stop the abuser and to
send a message to others.
Protection orders can usually be obtained in a separate civil
proceeding, even if criminal charges are not filed. However, it is
more effective to pursue criminal charges at the same time the
victim seeks the protection order, if at all possible. A combined
package that blends the traditional legal remedies with social
services and other programs available in the community has the
best chance of succeeding in protecting the victim, controlling the
abuser, and changing both behavior and public opinion over the
long run. In most areas, someone can be found to help women
through the legal maze, whether it is a legal hotline, a court
advocate, a shelter worker, a counselor, a legal aid clinic, or
another battered woman who has been through the process.
Some have expressed concern over the lack of due process
protection for the rights of the accused abuser as the law evolves
to make it easier for victims of domestic violence to obtain
protection orders, criminal penalties against their abusers, and
other relief. Yet the traditional legal rules designed to make sure
the legal process is fair to the accused remain in place. The courts
recognize the special circumstances that make certain exceptions
to the general rules appropriate, as they do in other types of
cases. For example, in jurisdictions that allow "victimless
prosecution," where the victim is not required to press charges or
be directly involved in the process, other strong evidence is
required before the abuser can be convicted or lose civil rights.
The prosecution may use tape recordings of 911 calls, recordings
by officers on the scene, photographs and physical evidence,
medical records, and witness reports.
In many places, courts apply the "excited utterances" exception to
the hearsay rule to allow a police officer to tell the court what the
victim said at the scene. The hearsay rule says that testimony by
one person about what was said to him or her by another
person"hearsay"generally is not admissible in court. However, the
court recognizes exceptions under certain circumstances that
make it highly likely that the person is stating the truth. One such
exception is a person who is
 Page 162
highly agitated because of a recent traumatic experience. Thus, if
an officer finds a woman who has just been assaulted and is
extremely upset, her statements are considered "excited
utterances." The excited utterances of a woman at the time of
abuse can thus be repeated in court by an officer who was
present at the scene. This is very powerful evidence.
Tort Law
Civil law also includes "tort" law. A tort is an act by one person
that hurts another, either intentionally or due to unreasonably
careless behavior. The law recognizes the right of the injured
person to collect money "damages" from the other to compensate
for his or her losses. Common torts include assault, battery,
negligence, and wrongful death. As chapter 2 explains, it used to
be the general rule that wives and husbands could not sue one
another for tort claims. Today, nearly all states allow spouses to
sue one another, at least for intentional acts such as battering.
Therefore, a woman injured by a husband or partner can recover
her medical costs, property damages, and compensation for
emotional injury as well. Punitive damages, which courts award
in cases that are especially outrageous, or in which the
wrongdoer's behavior was deliberate and extreme, may be
recovered in this type of lawsuit as well. In a Georgia case, a
woman was awarded $10,000 in compensatory damages (to
compensate her for medical costs, lost wages, and other
expenses), plus $20,000 in punitive damages against her husband,
who dragged her down a stairway by her feet because he thought
it was "comical."
Most tort suits that are filed in domestic violence cases involve
assault and battery. However, another tort, called "intentional
infliction of emotional distress" is now available in most
jurisdictions. This tort is defined as conduct that is "so
outrageous in character, and so extreme in degree, as to go
beyond all possible bounds of decency, and to be regarded as
atrocious, and utterly intolerable in a civilized community." Just
how outrageous the conduct must be to meet this standard varies
among the courts, but much of the behavior commonly directed
against battered wives, including severe psychological abuse
without any physical battering, satisfies this standard. Threats,
destruction of property, and stalking have also been held to
amount to intentional infliction of emotional distress.
 Page 163
In cases where a woman is stalked or harassed by a man she has
left, she may also file a tort claim for invasion of privacy.
Invasion of privacy involves interfering with another person's
right to be left alone if he or she wishes to be. There are several
types of invasion of privacy. The one that applies the most often
to abuse cases is called "intrusion upon seclusion." This may
include spying on someone, reading her personal mail, or
telephoning her repeatedly after she has made it clear the calls are
not welcome.
Other legal claims may fit unique circumstances. For example, in
one case, a battered woman took her boyfriend's car to flee his
violence because hers was not running. She returned it a short
time later. He accused her of stealing the car and cash from the
apartment. She was arrested and charged with larceny and auto
theft. He eventually dropped the charges, but harassed her and
had her car towed and repaired without her permission. When
she didn't pay the repair bill he sent, he sold the car. The woman
hired a lawyer and sued him in a civil tort action for assault and
battery, false imprisonment, malicious prosecution, intentional
infliction of emotional distress, and unfair trade practices. The
legal process was long and difficult, but she was eventually
awarded over $75,000 in compensatory and punitive damages.
In most cases, a person has to hire a private attorney to handle a
civil tort or other civil case, although, depending on the case, a
person can handle his or her case "pro se" (by the person him- or
herself), or with help from a legal aid or court-supported
program.
Civil Rights Law
The existing laws protecting citizens against civil rights violations
by the government can be useful to battered women. However,
these laws only work in specific circumstances, and have many
limitations. They are often very complicated, and require the help
of experienced legal advisors. Yet in the right situation, these
laws can be powerful tools for justice and change.
42 U.S.C. Section 1983. "Section 1983" is a federal civil rights
law that gives citizens the right to sue any "person," including the
states and their subdivisions (counties and municipalities), who
violates their
 Page 164
constitutional rights "under color of state law." This means that if
someone employed by the government treats you in a way that is
prohibited by the constitution, you may be able to sue that person
and possibly the government agency that employs him or her as
well.
One of the rights protected by the Constitution and enforced
under Section 1983 is the right to "equal protection of the law" as
guaranteed by the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments to the
United States Constitution. Equal protection requires equal
application of the laws to all citizens, regardless of race, gender,
or other neutral characteristics. Battered women have sued law
enforcement officers and agencies that failed to treat them in the
same manner as other crime victims, for violation of the right to
equal protection. These cases are very hard to prove, but some
amazing victories have been won.
The equal protection approach has been used by battered women
to require cities and their officers to apply laws equally to
violence between strangers and violence between intimate
partners. In one especially disturbing case, a woman who had
suffered years of brutal abuse from her husband, a police officer,
showed statistics at trial demonstrating that during a certain
period of time, there was an arrest rate of 31 percent in cases of
stranger assault by a known perpetrator, but only a 16 percent
arrest rate in cases of domestic assault. The court found that these
statistics, as well as the woman's own personal history of
receiving no assistance from the police department ("deliberate
indifference"), were sufficient to show the type of custom or
policy required for this kind of lawsuit and discrimination against
domestic violence victims.
Some cases have also been brought to court for violation of the
right to due process, guaranteed by the same constitutional
amendments. Due process requires that officers who are aware of
an individual's particular dangerous circumstances take
reasonable steps to protect that person (substantive due process)
or that a state that has established avenues of help, such as
protection orders, follow their own rules and procedures and
supply the protections they and the law say they will (procedural
due process). For example, in a 1990 case, a woman who was
shot by her husband after police had repeatedly failed to enforce
a protection order, brought a substantive due process suit against
the police department in her Pennsylvania town. The court
emphasized that a special relationship
 Page 165
had been created because the police had authority to regulate a
dangerous situation, had knowledge of the situation, and had the
ability to do something about it. In fact, under the state's
protection order law, the order stated that it ''shall" be enforced
by the police, and though the woman had called them several
times when her husband harassed and assaulted her between the
time the order was issued and the shooting, the police department
never arrested or restrained him.
Section 1983 suits are very complicated, and have several
drawbacks. Only certain individuals can be sued; there are special
restrictions on suing municipalities and police departments (there
must be a policy, custom, or pattern of behavior, not just an
isolated incident); and they involve complex matters of sovereign
immunity. A 1983 suit almost always requires the assistance of an
attorney well versed in civil rights law.
Yet Section 1983 can be a powerful remedy when all of the
pieces fall into place. Battered women have brought several class
action suits for injunctions against police departments that had
non-arrest policies, would not enforce protective orders, or did
not follow the state domestic violence statutes. Usually, these
cases settled in exchange for reforms in police procedures. In
some cases, women have collected money damage awards by
proving a government agent or department deprived them of a
constitutionally protected right.
Successful civil rights lawsuits can have a powerful impact on
other areas of the legal system. In 1984, a woman named Tracy
Thurman won a verdict of $2.6 million against the police
department of Torrington, Connecticut, after they repeatedly
failed to protect her from her husband's escalating brutality. The
long history of abuse culminated in a severe beating in the front
yard of Thurman's apartment, in which her estranged husband
broke her neck as a police officer stood by, doing nothing. This
lawsuit, plus a television movie made about the case, led to much
greater adoption and enforcement of mandatory arrest policies.
Section 1983 seems destined to remain in a constant state of
change and uncertainty. The United States Supreme Court hears
many civil rights cases, and each new decision often brings a
substantial alteration to the law. For this reason, it is essential to
work with legal professionals actively involved in civil rights law
who are aware of its constant evolution.
 Page 166
State Tort Claims
Traditionally, the state, like the husband, was considered
practically infallible. The law would not allow a citizen to sue the
state for wrongdoing, primarily because of the concept of
paternalistic benevolence, but also because it was considered
better for the state coffers to be used for the benefit of all citizens
rather than to right a wrong committed against just one.
Some vestiges of this principle of sovereign immunity remain,
but most states have enacted laws allowing citizens to sue the
state for certain torts. For example, in most states, you may sue if
your car is hit by a negligent driver employed by a state agency.
In the domestic violence arena, states have sometimes been sued
when government employees negligently fail to protect victims,
especially where there is a "special relationship" created by a
protection order, or other promise of protection. Like civil rights
suits, state tort actions are subject to many obstacles and barriers,
but are worth considering. The same tort claims that can be
brought against an individual may also be brought against the
state, where immunity is waived by the state's tort claims statute.
The Family Violence Prevention and Services Act
In 1984, Congress passed this act into federal law. It does not
give individuals any specific rights or remedies, but rather works
to aid victims of domestic violence by providing federal funds to
help states and local communities develop and support shelters,
coordinate research efforts, conduct training, and continue
related activities. A companion act, The Victims of Crime Act,
sets aside federal money to compensate crime victims and to fund
state agencies that provide assistance to victims of family
violence and other crimes. In addition to allocating more money
to help stop domestic violence, these acts represent the first
official statement by the federal government that domestic abuse
is a serious and intolerable crime.
The Violence Against Women Act of 1993. Until very recently,
women had special civil rights remedies for gender crimes
committed against them at work, but few to protect them at
home.
 Page 167
A great victory in the struggle against domestic violence (and
other crimes against women) recently occurred with the passage
of the Crime Act of 1994. The bill includes the Violence Against
Women Act, which was first introduced into Congress in 1990
and has been debated ever since. The act also established a new
civil rights claim for women who are victims of crimes motivated
by gender. The act says that such crimes violate a woman's civil
rights, and she can sue the perpetrator who violates this law for
compensatory, punitive, and other damages. This part of the act
is modeled on the Civil Rights Act of 1964. One part of the act
aims to deter, punish, and rehabilitate batterers in order to
prevent future abuse by increasing grant funding for shelters and
related programs. It also makes spouse abuse during interstate
travel a federal crime, and makes it illegal for abusers to cross
state lines to commit domestic violence or to violate a protection
order, which must also be honored by other states when a
woman travels or moves. It makes protection orders enforceable
across state lines, and allows federal criminal penalties for
interstate stalking. Criminal violations under the act require full
restitution to the victim, in addition to other criminal penalties.
Repeat offenders may be punished by a term of imprisonment up
to twice the term authorized. This act also allocates money for
programs to encourage the arrest of batterers; to train police
officers; to help establish coordinated programs between police,
prosecutors, and judges; to educate those working in the justice
system about domestic violence; and various other projects to
combat violence against women. Grant money and other
assistance is available to states, local governments, Indian tribal
governments, and in some cases, private nonprofit organizations
that serve victims.
The act represents an interesting combination of traditional
government remedies, including grant money for programs,
changes in laws, and government recognition of citizens' own
efforts to find solutions to problemswith the commitment to
support what people have shown to be effective. It makes
available funding for state and local educational efforts, rape
prevention programs, counseling for victims, local and national
hotlines, training programs for judges and police, and special
units of police and prosecutors to deal with family violence. It
mandates confidentiality between victims and counselors. It
affords grants for
 Page 168
shelters, youth education, rural programs, and other community
programs. It requires states to show a strong commitment to
arresting and prosecuting offenders in order to receive funds; and
allocates grant money to help police, prosecutors, and nonprofit
organizations establish the kind of coordinated community
programs that have been working in communities like Duluth,
Minnesota. Special protections are provided for immigrant
women and children. Some believe that the most important thing
about the act is not what it does, but what it saysone of the first
statements by the federal government that violence in the home is
a serious crime which is unacceptable.
President Clinton has committed his support to the struggle to
end domestic violence, which he has called ''the enemy from
within." In 1996, Clinton established the first Violence Against
Women office in the Justice Department to coordinate the various
federal efforts in support of the Violence Against Women Act. He
also assisted in achieving expansion of the Brady Bill to make it
illegal for those convicted of domestic violence crimes to
purchase a handgunboth to reduce the incidence of partner
deaths, and to protect police officers responding to domestic
violence calls.
Family Law
Although family law is a species of civil law, it is generally
considered a separate, special area covering the legal
relationships between family members. Family law includes
divorce, legal separation, child support and custody, and support
enforcement. Some special laws dealing with domestic violence
may fall into this category as well. As with other civil cases,
either a private attorney or the assistance of someone in a legal
aid, court assistance, or advocacy program is generally (though
not always) required.
Divorce
Divorce laws vary from state to state, especially with regard to
issues of property division, child custody, and support. Legal
separation laws generally parallel the state's divorce laws, and
accomplish the same goals without legally ending the marriage.
 Page 169
A divorce decree provides a legal ending to a relationship, which
allows a woman to get on with a fresh start. Other advantages to
getting a final decree of divorce include settling matters of child
custody and visitation, support, and division of property and
debts.
Seeing a tangible, official end to an abusive marriage can be a
great psychological boost. A divorce decree may also include an
injunction that orders the former spouse to stay away. Although
other types of protection orders are easier to enforce and carry
more severe penalties for violation, the statement in the final
decree can provide a powerful sense of closure.
One of the main disadvantages to the divorce proceeding is its
tendency to drag on, and that it can be subject to manipulation by
an abuser. Many favor faster divorces in cases where abuse has
been involved, and some states are beginning to make special
changes in their laws to speed up the process.
Generally, a woman has to hire a private attorney to handle a
divorce action, although some courts, legal aid clinics, and law
schools provide free representation or assistance in handling a
simple procedure yourself. Naturally, the process is much easier
when children are not involved. If at all possible, a woman with
children should get an experienced family attorney to be sure her
rights and her children's interests are protected. Some domestic
violence programs have legal advocates available to refer women
to attorneys who work free of charge or base their fees on sliding
scales according to income. Some advocates assist with divorce
petitions as another part of the process of freeing women from
domestic violence. When choosing any attorney or other legal
advisor, make sure he or she is well versed in local family and
divorce law, and that he or she treats the issue of battering
seriously.
Mediation has become increasingly popular in divorce cases as a
means of encouraging couples to come to a mutually agreeable
division of property and other terms of the divorce. However,
most experts in domestic violence feel that mediation is not
appropriate in an abusive relationship, and can even contribute to
greater exploitation of the victim by the abuser.
In order to be effective, mediation must involve people of
relatively
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equal bargaining power. In the abusive relationship, this essential
assumption simply does not exist. The mediation process
involves getting the divorcing couple to sit down with a mediator,
usually (but not necessarily) a lawyer, psychologist, or other
professional, or a team of two professional mediators. The leader
may advise the couple about their legal options or make
suggestions, but does not push either party to agree to any
particular terms. Consequently, if one partner is bullied or
intimidated by the other, she may be coerced into agreeing to
terms she does not really want. The process cannot be fair if both
people do not have an equal say in what goes into the agreement.
While mediation can be a wonderful tool for reaching agreements
in other situations, it is best avoided when the relationship is
violent. Mediation has become increasingly popular as an
alternative to court in many types of cases because it relieves the
overburdened court system, is less expensive, is faster, and is
frequently less traumatic than a trial. Yet mediation throws the
batterer into a situation he may perceive as threatening to his
control over the victim, which may make him even more violent.
It always forces the victim into his presence. She is often
terrified, and unable to state her needs in front of someone who
has brutalized her. She will be forced to listen to "his side." While
a good mediator does not allow either party to become degrading
or abusive toward the other, there are reports of abusers being
allowed to "speak their minds" in the name of ''fairness" which
results, not surprisingly, in a tirade of verbal abuse and blame
that the victim should not have to endure.
However, the issue of whether mediation should ever be used in
formerly abusive relationships is controversial. Some experts
believe it can be empowering for a former abuse victim, if the
abuse has ended, both parties are in counseling, and the abuser is
willing to participate in a fair manner as well as avoid outside
contact with the victim, according to a current protection order.
In some areas, cases with a history of abuse are immediately
screened out of mediation. But not all court systems are so
enlightened. If you are forced to use mediation in a divorce, you
may wish to try and get a lawyer or advocate from a battered
women's program to intervene. You or your representative may
be able to get a waiver from the mandatory
 Page 171
mediation due to a history of abuse. If mediation can't be waived,
a lawyer or advocate may be able to go with you, or at least talk
to the mediator about the violent history of the relationship and
educate him or her about the dynamics of the abusive
relationship. Remember, if you do go to mediation, nothing is
going to be final until you agree. If you don't agree, the case will
progress to court, where the judge will decide upon a fair decree.
Be sure you have a protection order in place before mediation
starts, and insist on a permanent protection order as part of the
settlement. Also insist the batterer agrees to a fair division of your
assets and debts, and that he reimburses you for the cost of any
injuries he caused.
Child Custody
One of the most controversial areas of family law in battering
situations is the issue of child custody and visitation rights.
Matters involving children are difficult in any divorce, and
become even stickier when abuse has been involved.
As is the case for the adult victims, the effect of domestic
violence on children frequently continues or gets worse after the
family parts. In some jurisdictions, a temporary protection order
sets out custody arrangements and provides for a penalty if they
are not followed. Yet this is the exception rather than the rule.
Often, a mother must wait until the hearing on the temporary
order, or a divorce or separation proceeding, until any formal
custody arrangements are made.
Frequently, abusers use children as pawns in the power play
against the mother. Batterers use child visitation to gain access to
the mother to terrorize her; they fight for custody to retaliate
against the woman or to try and force a reconciliation; they
abduct children; they refuse to pay child support. For one woman
I spoke with, this was the greatest frustration she faced in trying
to end the relationship. Although a protection order was in place
and a divorce pending, no formal, enforceable visitation schedule
had been established for the couple's young son. The father
frequently promised to return the boy at a certain time, then
would disappear with the child for several days. The mother did
not believe the boy was endangered, but understandably suffered
extreme
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anxiety when she didn't know the whereabouts of her child or
when he would be backprecisely, she believed, the father's intent.
Many people argue that not enough attention is given to abuse of
the mother in determining custody matters. Unbelievably, courts
in Illinois and New York have ruled that a man cannot be
considered an unfit parent "merely" because he has murdered the
mother of his children! Courts are supposed to give first priority
to the best interests of the child when deciding custody, yet
family violence is frequently given little or no weight unless it is
directly aimed at the child.
Activist and author Ann Jones, who has studied and written
extensively on domestic violence, believes that courts ruling
upon custody should truly consider the best interests of the child
by including a thorough examination of the effect of what goes
on between the parents upon the child. Courts should look at the
history of exposure to abuse, whether or not the child is trapped
between parents in conflict, use of the child as a weapon by one
parent to harass the other, and whether or not safe visitation
options exist.
Many states have laws that create a presumption in favor of joint
custody of children whenever parents divorce. "Joint custody"
does not mean a 50/50 division of the child's time between the
parents, but it does mean that both parents take an active part in
raising the child, sharing major decisions, and dividing the child's
time according to a visitation schedule set or approved by the
court. In cases where there is a legal presumption of joint
custody, this is the assumption the court starts with, then it is up
to the parent to convince the judge that such an arrangement
would not be in the best interest of the childthe standard that is
always supposed to be the bottom line.
When a peaceful marriage between two good parents ends, joint
custody usually is the best choice for the child. However, when
the home was violent, joint custody can create tremendous
problems for both the mother and her children. Many experts,
such as Dr. Lenore Walker, believe that any form of joint custody
should not be allowed in violent homes. She believes, and many
others agree, that sole custody should go to the woman.
Battered women also face cultural stereotypes in custody cases.
They
 Page 173
may be viewed as weak, dysfunctional, and unfit to be good
parents. Women may find themselves in a Catch-22 situation. If
the child was shielded from the battering, the judge may decide
that the violence was not harmful to the child, so joint custody
may be awarded. If the child did witness the abuse, the old
blame-the-victim mentality kicks in, and the mother may be
questioned as to why she "let" the child be exposed to violence.
Yet changes are happening. Most states now have laws that
require the court to consider domestic violence in making
custody decisions. Some legislatures have created a presumption
against any award of custody (including joint custody) where
there is evidence of domestic violence.
The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges has
recommended that each state legislature enact laws requiring the
courts to consider family violence in any case relating to the
family, especially child custody and visitation. For example, in
1992 Louisiana enacted a law creating a rebuttable presumption
against any award of sole or joint custody of a child to a parent
who had committed acts of physical, sexual, or other violence
against the other parent or any of the children. In order to have
visitation, the abusive parent must attend and complete a
treatment program and visitation with the child must be
supervised. The law also states that an injunction against family
violence must be included in all divorce, separation, custody, or
visitation orders where there has been family violence. The
abuser must pay all court costs and expert fees related to custody
or visitation in a family litigation case, plus medical and
psychological treatment costs for victims.
Special care should be taken when joint or shared custody
arrangements allow the children to visit the abuser's home.
Children may witness the batterer abusing a new partner. Or
some abusers use the children to try to control or harass the
former partner-by refusing to follow schedules for returning
them, by forcing them to miss counseling sessions, or by
badmouthing their mother, continuing the cycle of blaming the
victim. A majority of states now have laws requiring courts to
consider the negative impact on the child who witnesses spousal
abuse in making custody determinations.
Most judges today consider spousal abuse a serious matter that
needs
 Page 174
to be taken into consideration in custody determinations. In New
Mexico, for example, exposing a child to violence by battering a
spouse in the child's presence can be considered child
endangerment, a crime that carries penalties of its own. In other
places, it can be grounds for a claim of abuse or neglect. Some
courts appoint a special person (usually a social worker or lawyer
called a guardian ad litem) to represent the children's interests
when a violent marriage ends. All jurisdictions are served by
child welfare agencies that can be called in to advise the court on
the child's best interests under circumstances where a child is
reported to be endangered. Often judges appoint psychologists to
evaluate children and parents in custody disputes and make
recommendations to the court.
Of course, such laws and services can be a double-edged sword.
The woman may be condemned for not leaving the relationship,
instead of blaming the man who perpetuates the violencethe same
old song and dance. But a good advocate, either a family law
attorney, a court-appointed legal advocate, or a shelter counselor,
can help a woman be sure her side of the story gets fair
consideration.
It is usually illegal for one parent to take a child across state lines
or otherwise defy custody or visitation orders in a way that
prevents the other parent from knowing where the child is or
having contact with the child. Mothers fleeing violence have been
accused of child abduction. However, in the majority of states,
spouse and/or child abuse is a defense to family kidnapping,
child abduction, or custodial interference offenses. Most states'
laws provide that when one parent believes the child is in danger
of harm (including witnessing violence), he or she is usually
justified in taking the child and fleeing. Even in states that do not
make a specific exception for abuse to their kidnapping laws,
many judges consider abuse as a general "good cause" defense to
such charges.
In 1990, the United States Congress approved a resolution which
calls for each state to create a presumption in its law that spouse
abusers should not get custody of their children, but only
supervised visitation. Many judges today are taking a stand
against abusers in custody matters, often awarding sole custody
to the mother, at least until the abuser completes a treatment
program and demonstrates that he can obey the law,
 Page 175
refrain from further violence, and follow court orders. Sole
custody does not mean the father will have no visitation rights,
nor that the decision must be permanent. Unless parental rights
are terminated, a parent can always ask the court to modify a
custody order when circumstances have changed. Others order
supervised visitation, or require arrangements that do not include
any contact between the abuser and the mother. A few
communities with coordinated programs against domestic
violence are coming up with truly innovative solutions, such as a
community center where abusers can visit with their children in a
subtly supervised setting, without having to see the mother.
For example, in Duluth, Minnesota, the local YMCA provides an
area in which men with a history of abuse can visit their children
in a comfortable setting with recreational facilities, yet be
supervised and have no contact with the mother. In Albuquerque,
New Mexico, ''The Neutral Corner" provides a safe place where
parents can exchange children without seeing one another, so
both parents and children avoid emotional turmoil during the
transfer. In any situation, the safety of the child and his or her
mother must be a paramount concern in determining what is in
the best interest of the child.
Welfare Reform
While its goals are admirable, the time limits imposed by the 1996
welfare reform laws may remove a vital safety net that allows
women to leave abusive relationships. Abusers, seeking to
perpetuate their control and isolation of their partners, often
sabotage women's efforts to find work or complete job training
programs. Many families desperately in need of a second income
are kept on the welfare rolls by an abuser who prevents his wife
from getting or keeping a job or studying for training classes. A
comprehensive study conducted by the Washington State Institute
for Public Policy found that 60 percent of women on A.F.D.C.
reported that they had been abused by a partner, a statistic
paralleled a similar study in Massachusetts. The new laws also
include residency requirements that penalize battered women
who flee to another state seeking safety.
 Page 176
Activists are urging states to adopt the Family Violence Option,
an amendment that urges states to identify victims of family
violence, refer them to counseling, and waive any requirements
that unfairly penalize them. Proponents of the Family Violence
Option emphasize that they do not urge that battered women on
welfare be permanently exempted from work; on the contrary,
jobs offer such women a vital tool for rebuilding self-esteem and
staying free from abuse. However, such women often need
additional time and specific services not provided by the new law
if they are to escape the cycle of abuse.
Experts urge that states must address the special problems faced
by victims of domestic violence if their welfare-to-work
programs are to succeed. According to Martha Baker, who runs a
Manhattan-based program to train women for blue-collar jobs
that serves a large number of abused women, if the issue of
violence is not confronted before a woman joins the work force,
she will be in danger of losing her job due to not showing up or
arriving injured, or because her abuser stalks her on the job.
As of early 1997, 24 of the 40 states that had submitted welfare
plans had included all or part of the amendment or taken steps of
their own to address domestic violence. Advocates applaud the
amendment as the first time that the connection between violence
and poverty has been recognized in federal law.
Evidence
Evidence is crucial in any court case, civil or criminal. In some
areas, the police, prosecutors, and attorneys involved are
dedicated and expert in gathering evidence. In others, the
indifference or incompetence is beyond belief.
Sherri Winston, who was severely beaten by her boyfriend in
Miami in 1991, reported that after she went to the police station to
file a report (the police refused to take her report over the
telephone), she was amazed to learn two days later that a criminal
charge would not be filed for lack of evidence. She asked if they
had asked the neighbors about her screams, if they asked the
assailant how he got scratches on his face and chest. They had
not. So she went to the state's attorney's office, where
 Page 177
she was told the case would be assigned to an investigator. The
boyfriend made a statement in which he admitted the attack. Yet
the prosecutor declined to file charges, supposedly because there
were no witnesses, the man was "sorry," and he was concerned
he might lose his job. Winston's final statement, in an article she
wrote for the Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, sums up a common,
ironic sentiment well: "Nancy Kerrigan got her knee bruised by a
stranger and that was enough to warrant an FBI investigation.
Good thing she didn't know the guy."
Winston's story also illustrates the importance of evidence in the
criminal justice system. Unfortunately, victims often have to do a
good deal of the work on their own. Yet it can be well worth the
effort. The following list includes items that can be crucial in any
legal case connected with domestic violence: criminal
prosecution, civil suit, child custody hearing, divorce case, and
others. Most of this evidence is free and you are entitled to have
it by law:
1. Be certain to get a copy of any medical report prepared at the
emergency room, as well as any reports on treatment you get
later. Some physicians and hospitals do not give patients copies
of the report, but retain it in case it is requested by a lawyer or
law enforcement agency. Any medical records indicating
treatment for battering injuries can be important. Make sure they
list the cause of the injuries and the name of the treating
physician. Whether you seek medical treatment or not, have
someone take photographs of your injuries. Police, shelter
workers, or someone at the hospital may be able to do this. If
not, get a friend or family member to help.
2. If you receive counseling or psychological or psychiatric
treatment for problems associated with abuse, be sure to get some
record indicating the purpose of this treatment. Some mental
health professional may be reluctant to give you your records, at
least while your treatment is continuing, and there can be valid
reasons for this. But you should have billing records or some
type of paperwork showing when you were treated, and most
counselors and doctors should be willing to provide a statement
of the reason for the treatment.
3. Be sure to get a copy of the police report. Read it to be certain
it is
 Page 178
complete and correct. If there are other things the police should
knowsuch as prior calls you have made for domestic violence to
the same or another department, or if your abuser has a record of
prior abuse or other crimestell them. Get the names and badge
numbers of the officers who are present and ask for a copy of
each report that is made. Find out who is in charge, and be sure
you have his or her name, telephone number, and badge number.
4. Talk to anyone who may have seen or heard the violence. If
you locate any witnesses, ask them to call the officer in charge of
the case and make a statement. If they seem reluctant to get
involved, give their names, addresses, and/or telephone
numberswhatever information you haveto the officer in charge of
your case.
5. If the officers investigating the case do not gather any physical
evidence, such as torn clothing, broken dishes, or blood-stained
rugs, on their own, point these things out and ask them to take
them as evidence. They need to be taken from the scene by the
officers and kept according to police procedures to be admitted
in court as evidence, so make sure they do so immediately. Such
evidence is crucial in any type of case.
Photographs taken at the scene of a domestic assault provide
powerful evidence that is extremely difficult to discredit at trial.
They record the terror, pain, and rage. Nothing is equal to this
kind of proof. Photos are especially essential when the victim has
been intimidated into refusing to testify. Judges appreciate such
clear and indisputable evidence, which makes conviction of a
perpetrator far easier.
Polaroid has recently implemented the Polaroid DV100 program
in which it provides its Spectra Law Enforcement Kits for those
responding to family violence. The program requires that
community agencies or groups purchase a minimum of one
hundred kits at a discounted price and provide the recipients the
time to attend a hands-on training workshop on effectively
collecting photographic evidence of family violence. Polaroid
offers a larger discount when groups of small communities or
cities get together to purchase larger quantities. In addition to
initial training sessions for the law enforcement officers and
health care
 Page 179
professionals who will use the cameras, Polaroid offers free
training videos and ongoing assistance. The training emphasizes
not only techniques in how to best document injuries, but also
teaches the importance of preserving other evidence of violence,
and how to gather photographic evidence in a manner that is not
threatening to the victim or the children, who may also be
photographed. In turn, recipients agree to share protocols,
statistics, and information on their use of the cameras.
The camera kit is specially designed for gathering the type of
evidence that is most important in domestic violence cases. A
special box included in the kit is used to take very close shots of
wounds. Officers are encouraged to take broad photos of the
scene then focus in on details such as broken dishes and toys.
The kit also provides a mechanism for duplicating photos, and
information on how the photos may be enlarged and put on
transparencies. One particular advantage to using an instant
camera is that the officer will know how the photos came out
while still at the scene, and whether additional photos should be
taken. Officers say that the cameras are an excellent resource,
because with up to ten photos they can depict the entire crime
scene. Photos of the offender when he is dirty, drunk, and
enraged are also important, some say, because batterers nearly
always put on a neat, charming, "choir boy" image for court
appearances.
Photographs of the batterer can also provide local police
patrolling the areas where the victim lives, works, and frequents
with an immediate tool to enforce a restraining order against him.
With the victim's approval, these photos can also be distributed to
the victim's neighbors, employer, and children's school, for
example.
The Los Angeles police department now places a camera in every
active patrol car, and city attorney James Hahn, who believes
there is no better evidence than good photos of injuries, reports a
90 percent conviction rate in cases his office handled during
1996. San Diego, which has also placed a camera in every car,
likewise boasts a 90 percent conviction rate in domestic violence
cases.
Polaroid has made a broad-based commitment to assisting in the
battle against domestic violence. In addition to its special camera
kits, the company has produced videos to train law enforcement
and health care
 Page 180
professionals in appropriate first-response procedures in assisting
domestic violence victims and successfully documenting
evidence of violence, as well as checklists and other printed
materials to aid in identifying and documenting important facts.
Audio tapes, often carried by responding officers in a shirt
pocket or belt unit, also serve several purposes. They preserve
the impact of the victim's terror and pain at the scene. They
provide solid evidence that is not subject to the limitations of the
hearsay rule, and will remain even if the victim is intimidated into
recanting her story or refusing to testify. Officers can also
preserve the statements of children and other witnesses at the
scene. Trained officers recommend telling medical personnel on
the scene that they have a recorder turned on, to cue their
comments on the victim's injuries.
Prosecutors, including San Diego City Attorney Casey Guinn, a
nationally recognized leader in the field of family violence
prosecution, urge police officers to bear in mind when
investigating such cases that the prosecutor may have to prove
the case without the participation of the victim. Thus, photos,
audio tapes, and other visual evidence (such as a destroyed
telephone bearing the perpetrator's fingerprints) are often crucial.
Blood-stained clothing may also provide DNA evidence, which
has become increasingly important in criminal prosecutions. In a
domestic violence case, it may prove that the perpetrator was
covered with the victim's blood, as well as disprove the type of
stories batterers often concoct, such as claiming that he was the
victim and the blood is his own.
Both photographs and audio tapes can be essential in providing a
clear, objective picture of the scene without having to put the
victim on the stand. As one police officer whose own sister was
killed in a domestic violence homicide explained, policemen
often become frustrated when they are repeatedly called to the
same address, often only to find that the victim won't cooperate
or even tries to prevent them from arresting the abuser. Yet they
must realize that victims are in survival mode. The police are
there momentarily, but the abuser is there for the duration. Many
fear that they will be more severely battered or killed if they
cooperate with law enforcement. Therefore, one goal must be to
prosecute the offender as effectively as possible with as little
assistance from the victim as possible.
 Page 181

Lawyers
Choosing a Lawyer
As in many situations, victims of domestic abuse may need to use
several different laws to gain all of the legal remedies that are
available. For example, a woman often calls the police, gets a
civil protection order, files for divorce, and sues her abuser for
compensation for the injuries he caused her. For this reason,
unless you are lucky enough to live in an area with excellent legal
advocacy services, it is to your advantage to consult with an
attorney if at all possible. A lawyer can advise you on the claims
you have under the law, and help you pursue all of your
remedies for protection and compensation. Complex actions (like
a Section 1983 suit) may require expert representation, but the
results can be well worth the time and expense involved. Also,
many lawyers often handle good cases on a contingency basis, so
you pay only the out-of-pocket costs until the case is won or
settled.
If you hire a lawyer, make sure you understand fee arrangements
and costs from day one, including hourly rates, retainers, extra
expenses, and when and how fees will be billed. Many lawyers
take credit cards or work out payment plansa good attorney is
generally flexible with methods of payment. Ask about the
amount of time he or she expects to be involved in the case, and
the total cost estimate. You may be able to help keep costs down
by doing things such as running errands, picking up police
reports, and making copies yourself.
Some unions and employment benefit packages provide prepaid
legal service plans. These programs are also starting to become
available to individuals. Essentially, they are a form of ''legal
insurance," in which members receive free or low-cost legal
services through membership.
Be sure you choose a lawyer who is familiar with domestic
violence and the different legal areas it can involvecivil, criminal,
and family law. Don't feel awkward about changing attorneys or
taking the time you need to visit with several before you choose
one. You may need to spend a great deal of time working on
difficult issues with this person, and you need someone you feel
is trustworthy and with whom you can establish a comfortable
rapport. An attorney should always be willing to answer your
questions and explain matters so you understand what is going
on.
 Page 182
Realize that lawyers are usually working on many different cases
at the same time, and be aware that most of their work is done
outside the courtroom. Sometimes clients are surprised when
they are billed for large chunks of time associated with preparing
written work and getting ready for court appearancesyet these
steps are every bit as important as the more dramatic time in front
of the judge. Allow him or her a reasonable time (forty-eight
hours or so) to return calls, and be understanding if you have to
wait a few days for an appointment if someone else's case is
going to court or in a crisis mode. You will want the same
priority when your case reaches the critical stage. Be
consideratedon't hesitate to call anytime if you have a true
emergency, but don't take advantage of your lawyer, for example,
by calling him or her at home when it isn't urgent. Feel free to
ask for referrals to other kinds of helpcounselors, housing
authorities, or vocational therapistsbut don't expect the attorney
to fulfill these roles or provide general advice on issues not
directly related to your case.
Make a list of your questions or concerns and cover several in
one call or visit (this can save you money as well, since many
lawyers bill a set amount per call). Ask for help preparing your
testimony if you need to testify in court. Giving testimony
requires only that you tell the truth, but the experience can be
intimidating. Going through what to expect can help you stay
calm. It may also be helpful to have a friend or family member
there when you take the stand. Don't hesitate to talk to your
lawyer about any concerns you have about your case, or to bring
up anything you think might be important.
Lawyers Working to Stop Domestic Violence
During the mid-1990s, the American Bar Association (ABA) took
a strong stand against domestic violence under the leadership of
Roberta Cooper Ramo, the ABA's first female president. Ramo
crisscrossed the country during her tenure, sounding a call for an
end to domestic violence through awareness, education, and
action. Ramo urged that the problem is not indifference to
domestic violence, but rather that our entire society has been
taught to ignore it.
 Page 183
In 1994, then President-elect Ramo spearheaded the creation of
the ABA Commission on Domestic Violence, a multidisciplinary
commission composed of attorneys, doctors, educators, social
workers, law enforcement officials, and national leaders. The
Commission seeks to increase both public awareness of domestic
violence and create awareness of concrete methods that work to
eradicate it. As one of its first acts, it co-sponsored a series of
regional conferences on domestic violence, along with the
American Medical Association, the U.S. Department of Justice,
and the Department of Health and Human Services.
Ramo emphasized that such an initiative had never happened
before on a national level. She expressed particular concern
about childrenup to 10 millionwho witness domestic violence in
their homes. A separate program was held at the ABA's midyear
meeting in which lawyers, judges, and psychologists stressed the
importance of healing the children if domestic violence is to be
stopped. To actively address this concern, the commission
worked with the Walt Disney Company to develop a children's
video, entitled "It's Not OK: Let's Talk About Domestic
Violence," which has won national acclaim for its sensitive,
practical approach toward helping professionals assist children in
learning how to respond to and protect themselves from violence
in their homes. The video serves dual roles by sensitizing
professionals to a child's perspective on family violence, and by
giving children specific information. The video is also designed
to be shown to children who accompany their mothers to places
such as police stations, shelters, and courts. It's mission is to tell
children three key messages: Violence at home is not the child's
fault; it is not right for people who love one another to be violent;
and there are ways a child can try to be safe when violence
occurs. It includes narratives by children who have survived life
in violent homes, so the viewers know they are not alone. The
video is presented in a calming tone, geared toward children ages
five to eleven in language they can understand. It has also been
used to train police and distributed to school counselors by the
U.S. Department of Education.
The Commission has also been active in working with insurance
companies to urge change in policies that discriminate against
domestic violence victims, and developing programs to educate
high school
 Page 184
students about domestic violence in conjunction with sports
programs. It has developed a clearinghouse of information on
various domestic violence programs, developed a
multidisciplinary blueprint for communities seeking to improve
their response to domestic violence, sought to educate judges and
those working in the various service fields, and developed a
lawyer's handbook to educate lawyers on the impact of domestic
violence in various legal fields. It has also worked with law
schools to assist professors in incorporating domestic violence
training into their curricula. Additionally, the Commission has
published a manual for lawyers on how to contend with violence
in their practices, entitled The Impact of Domestic Violence on
Your Legal Practice.
Copies of this manual, the children's video, and other materials
may be ordered by calling the ABA Services Center at (800) 285-
2221.
In late 1995, New Mexico Attorney General Tom Udall convened
a statewide task force on violence against women, including
concerned citizens and professionals with expertise in criminal
justice, victim services, education, public health, and physical
and mental health care. The task force held town hall meetings
throughout the state asking local participants to share information
on what worked in their communities in the effort to prevent and
intervene in violence against women. A multidisciplinary
conference with workshops targeting various professional groups
was held in 1996, and a final report with findings, goals, and
recommendations was published in 1997. The concise, nine-page
report contained a wealth of ideas and information, both general
and targeted to specific professions.
The Double Victims: Women Who Kill Their Abusers
While the law is evolving in other areas to become more sensitive
to the special circumstances of domestic violence victims, one
area in particular remains in the grip of injustice. Women who
kill the men who batter them frequently receive extremely harsh
sentencesmuch longer than men who kill their wives or
girlfriends. One expert who studied sentencing in domestic
homicides found that the average sentence for a woman
 Page 185
who is convicted of killing her spouse is fifteen to twenty years,
while a man's average sentence is two to six years.
Several explanations for this double standard have been offered.
Traditionally, society has permitted violence from men but
frowned upon women who take up weapons, even in self-
defense. The tired refrain, ''Why didn't she just leave?" still
echoes through police stations and jury rooms. But some of the
worst problems are found in a judicial system that long ago
fashioned a narrow definition of self-defense based on men of
roughly equal size and capability fighting in the streets or bars.
And this definition is not flexible enough to encompass different,
yet equally compelling, circumstances.
In 1993, a documentary film entitled Defending Our Lives won
an Academy Award for its stark profile of women who suffered
brutal abuse in their homes but were offered no effective help or
protection, then were sent to jail for defending their lives. When
a woman kills her abuser, "Why didn't she just leave?" may be a
legitimate questionbut only if the justice system truly listens to
her answer. A woman claiming self-defense under circumstances
outside the rigid boundaries traditionally recognized should be
given the opportunity to explain why she reasonably believed
herself to be in imminent danger of death or serious injury. And
her story should be supported by expert testimony to add
credibility to her perception in the eyes of those who have never
experienced the damaged, distorted world in which she lives.
Experts can also explain why a woman may reasonably believe
that calling the police is futile (especially if it has proven so in the
past); why her ability to leave may be thwarted by financial and
social considerations; why she may fear certain death or more
serious injury if she tries to leave; as well as the psychological
effects of the cycle of violence, learned helplessness, and the
battered woman syndrome. For example, in People v. Reeves, an
Illinois case, an expert explained to the jury how the defendant
had reasonably come to believe that her husband was capable of
killing her or causing her great harm despite his lack of a
weapon, based on her knowledge of his ability to inflict severe
injury in the past.
The battered woman syndrome, defined by Dr. Lenore Walker
and discussed in some detail in earlier chapters, holds special
importance in
 Page 186
the cases of women who kill. Women suffering from the
syndrome often kill men who would not appear to outsiders to be
threatening their lives. But women living with abusers over long
periods often learn to pick up cues that tell them that a severe
attack is on the way. Others suffer from such a distortion of
perception that they see things in their world in a way completely
foreign to othersbut no less accurate under the circumstances.
Brenda Aris' case is fairly typical. She endured years of beatings
from the man she married at seventeen. She had left her husband
many times and always returned, either because he cried, begged,
and promised to change, or because he threatened to track her
down and kill her if she did not return. Her three daughters
would cry and beg her to hurry at the supermarket, for fear that
she would be beaten for taking too long with the grocery
shopping. By the time ten years had passed, he was battering her
almost daily and she suffered from the familiar symptoms of the
battered woman syndrome. She felt worthless, saw her husband
as all-powerful, and believed her life depended on her ability to
placate him. Writing for Glamour, she said, "On the day I was
arrested for killing my husband, I was black and blue from head
to foot."
One night, after repeated beatings throughout the day ended with
an especially brutal attack, she went to a neighbor's house to get
some ice for her injuries. Seeing a gun on the top of the
refrigerator, she took it, with the idea that she could use it to
intimidate her husband, now drunk and passed out, and stop him
from hurting her anymore when he awoke. He had threatened to
kill her and she believed him. She perceived he was coming after
her, so she shot him on the bed.
Despite widespread acceptance of the battered syndrome by the
vast majority of professionals working in the domestic violence
field, many courts do not allow expert testimony on the battered
woman syndrome in the cases of women accused of murdering
their abusive mates. Dr. Lenore Walker agreed to testify in Brenda
Aris's trial, but the court allowed only general testimony about
the syndromeno discussion of how it applied to Aris. As a result,
jurors were confused, with one later stating that because Walker
did not say Aris suffered from the syndrome, the jury concluded
that she did not. The appellate court found that the judge
committed an error in refusing to allow Walker to offer testimony
 Page 187
on Aris' state of mind, but found the error "harmless"so the
verdict was allowed to stand. Fortunately, California Governor
Pete Wilson, responding to a growing movement for clemency
for battered women, who were denied the benefit of unfettered
expert testimony at trial subsequently reduced Aris' sentence and
recommended parole.
In most places, the law says that a person is justified in using
some form of physical force in self-defense if he or she
reasonably believes that force is necessary to prevent an
imminent threat of unlawful physical force against him or her. In
others, there are additional requirements; for example, that retreat
is impossible. A woman is usually allowed to use deadly force if
she reasonably believes that her attacker is using or is about to
use deadly force against her. How much force is reasonable is
supposed to depend on the circumstances, including the size and
strength of the attacker compared to the victim.
Things are changing, and today many women who kill their
abusers in self-defense are never charged with a crime or are
found innocent when the facts come before a court. However,
some judges refuse to believe that self-defense can be explained
in any other way than the traditional scenario, and that the
"reasonable apprehension of imminent death or great bodily
harm" required for the defense can never occur in a home with
an unlocked door. Traditionally, the law required a battered
woman who killed to satisfy three conditions for a successful
claim of self-defense: first, the abuser attacked her with a deadly
weapon or in a way that she reasonably interpreted as an
immediate threat of death; second, she did not provoke the attack;
and third, she could not retreat.
Battered women face special problems meeting these
requirements because of the psychological damage inherent in
most abusive relationships. A man who has repeatedly beaten a
woman nearly to death in the past may put her in very reasonable
fear for her life by menacing, giving subtle cues only she can
recognize as a threat, or striking a single blow. Fists can be a
deadly weapon, as thousands of dead victims could testify if they
were still alive to do so. Yet many judges cannot see justification
for using a gun against an "unarmed" person under any
circumstances.
Moreover, many battered women are quite literally unable to
escape, even if the door is unlocked. They may be
psychologically paralyzed,
 Page 188
or they may know that walking through the door would be
tantamount to suicide. Yet some judges still refuse to admit expert
testimony, arguing that it "invades the province of the jury," it is
irrelevant, or it is prejudicial. Even worse, some judges have
refused to allow testimony of past abuse as a "mitigating
circumstance"a factor that can help shed light on why a crime
was committed and give a reason for a more lenient sentence.
Fortunately, things are changing, and as the scientific community
gives increasing recognition to the battered woman syndrome,
such as its endorsement by the American Psychological
Association, it has become more common for testimony to be
admitted. Explanation of the battered woman syndrome can
support a standard claim of self-defense within the context of the
abused woman's own world. It can show the reasonableness of
the woman's belief that she was in imminent danger when she
killed her abuser in a setting that does not look to the outside
world like a confrontation. It can explain why she did not, and
could not, flee the relationship.
By 1993, nine states had passed laws expressly allowing expert
testimony on the syndrome. Some women who were convicted
of murder or manslaughter when the testimony was not allowed
have filed suit to try and obtain new trials.
Social taboos against women who kill are surprisingly powerful,
even when women present evidence of the men's behavior that
should warrant extreme disapproval. Many women who kill do
so after their abusers endanger or sexually abuse their children.
For the majority of these women, killing their partners was their
first criminal act.
Yet women who plead guilty to murder often get shorter
sentences than those who try to prove they acted in self-defense.
There is a persistent myth, even among those in a system that
sees the terrible toll taken by domestic violence, that any woman
can "just leave"; that she always has a choice. Most women who
kill have left, been found, and been beaten senseless. They have
been told over and over that they (and often their children as
well) will be beaten again or killed if they try to flee. Most have
tried to use the available services and have been failed by themby
police who do nothing, courts that set abusers free, social
services powerless to protect women from men determined to
find them
 Page 189
and drag them back. Women who kill their abusers do so as a last
resort to save their lives or the lives of their children. These are
not women with choices.
Even more puzzling is the fact that some women have been
sentenced to life imprisonment for murder, even when all of the
traditional elements of self-defense, and more, have been present.
Consider the case of Becca Jean Hughes. After years of terror,
broken bones, and skull fractures, she found herself in her
husband's truck with his hands around her throat. This man had a
history of extreme violence, including shooting up a house while
his wife and children were inside, during his first marriagea fact
Becca was unaware of until she saw the police report at her own
trial. When she told him she wanted a divorce, he tried to strangle
Becca in the cab of his pickup truck. She managed to get a hold
of the pistol she knew he kept under the driver's seat. She even
let him see it with the hope he would stop, but he continued
trying to choke her to death. Finally, she pulled the trigger.
The judge refused to allow any evidence of abuse in her trial, and
the prosecutor managed to convince the jury that she had carried
the gun and planned to kill him. At the end of the week-long
trial, she was sentenced to life in prison without parole for
premeditated murder.
Becca emphasizes that the justice system must recognize the way
the battered woman syndrome robs a victim of options. "A
battered woman can't leave, she can't even think for herself any
more. She has no choices. I've been through it. It's not safe to
leave. Divorce is a death wish! Yet the courts misunderstand or
overlook the truth, and believe a battered woman can leave
anytime."
When police and prosecutors do not enforce the laws against
domestic violence, battered women can only protect themselves
by taking justice into their own hands. Becca explains that killing
an abuser in self defense is a last resort by women who must act
to save their own lives. "Because no one else will. It is an
unthinking act you do just to survive, The abuser's death is a
repercussion of his own actions. Yet when you defend yourself,
it's like you're already dead, you just haven't been buried yet. But
you will be, by the abuser or by the system."
Becca believes that women who plead guilty instead of arguing
self
 Page 190
defense often get shorter sentences because they don't insist the
justice system live up to the standards we have been taught to
believe in. "They don't demand that the system prove itself fair,
just, and honest," she says.
But there is hope on the horizon that this unspeakable tradition of
injustice is finally crumbling. In 1977, after enduring twelve years
of brutal abuse to herself and her children, Francine Hughes
burned the home where her husband Mickey Hughes slept after
exhausting himself by battering and raping his wife. Francine
spent eight months in jail after being charged with first-degree
murder and was held without bail, but at trial she was found not
guilty by reason of temporary insanity. The case became the
subject of a book, The Burning Bed by Faith McNulty, and a
television movie of the same name which starred Farrah Fawcett.
These dramatizations helped heighten public awareness of
domestic violence and sparked change in both professional and
general attitudes toward the terrifying world inhabited by battered
women, and how it can drive them to kill.
Becca Jean Hughes and another inmate who killed her ex-
husband worked with Missouri attorneys from prison to help
them draft new legislation regarding battered women who kill
their abusers. The legislation, passed in 1987, allows a woman
charged with murder to testify about the battering she endured
and to present expert testimony on the special conditions faced
by battered women. A growing clemency movement has led
several governors to order releases, reduced sentences, or new
trials for women who were denied fair trials.
Ironically, many women who go to prison feel profound relief in
a setting most of us would find horrifying. For many of these
women, their lives are predictable for the first time. They find
themselves in a community of mutually supportive women, with
periods of time alone to think, away from the constant,
exhausting threat of violence. Many receive counseling or therapy
for the first time in their lives. Vocational training and education
may also be available, which gives many women a sense of self-
worth. Yet it is tragic that a person would have to go to prison to
obtain these services. Prison is still prison, and women who are
incarcerated experience the grief of losing their children,
degradation, isolation, and despair.
 Page 191
Many victims' advocates see a paradox in working for clemency.
On one hand, they feel women who kill their abusers should
receive a fair defense or early release, but on the other, they don't
want to advocate additional violence in a society that is already
plagued by far too much. Clemency advocates emphasize that
their efforts to free these women should not be interpreted as
approval of a ''license to kill" because each case must be
considered on its own merits, with no blanket rules. And few
would argue against allowing women who kill in self-defense the
same right as other criminal defendants to present a full and fair
defense and allowing women who were denied such rights the
chance for a new, more just trial.
If domestic violence is ever to effectively end, values, laws, and
attitudes that go to the very roots of our culture must be changed.
While the law has at last begun to recognize that domestic
violence is both a crime and a violation of civil law, such changes
are remarkably recent, many only occurring over the last two
decades. It takes time to implement legal evolution in a workable
way, and even more time to change deeply ingrained attitudes.
 Page 193

Chapter Seven
What Works to Reduce and Prevent Domestic
Violence?
People involved in trying to end domestic violence agree that, not
only the individual abusers, but society itself needs help.
Violence against women is still subtly allowed, even encouraged,
some say, by various institutions that give it tacit approval.
Entertainment that glamorizes the abusive treatment of women.
Police that still ignore or trivialize domestic violence. Judges that
release abusers without penalties.
How can these attitudes be changed? Does anything work?
Duluth, Minnesota, has been a leader in both intervention efforts
that serve families on an individual basis, and attempts to educate
people in all walks of society with two goals: prevention of
domestic violence, and improvement of programs and services
seeking to end it. Duluth's education programs include seminars
to train judges, prosecutors, and law enforcement officers;
programs for advocates, counselors, and administrators of
services for victims, abusers, and children; and presentations in
high schools. Initially, the high school program was intended to
be geared toward prevention, but the participants were shocked
to learn how violent some of the relationships among dating
teens had already become. So intervention was offered as well.
 Page 194
Many psychologists stress the importance of teaching children
that violence is not an appropriate way of solving problems. One
of the key components of such efforts must be parents who live
by the same rule and set a positive example. Dr. Carolina Yahne,
a psychologist and professor, believes all children should be
taught nonviolence, however, it is especially important to educate
children who have witnessed violence in the home. "We need to
inoculate them against violence like we do against disease," she
states. Dr. Yahne believes the media can play an important role in
educating children and adults about the consequences of
domestic violence, the effects of family discord on children, and
subsequently the alternatives.
Education is also accomplished by changes in public policy and
practices. When communities establish mandatory arrest and
prosecution policies, a message is sent from the police and courts
that domestic violence is a crime that society will not tolerate.
When coupled with counseling programs for abusers, the
message is that those who want to change will be given a fair
opportunity. Those who do not will be treated like the criminals
they are and incarcerated. Some of the most skilled and valuable
counselors in these programs are formerly battered women and
formerly abusive men.
Grassroots efforts to educate and capture the attention of the
public continue, often in unique and creative ways. The
Clothesline Project is such an effort. This nationwide project was
organized with the theme of airing dirty laundry, of taking dark
secrets out of the closet and into the sunlight. From 1990 to 1994,
the survivors around the country set up local displays of T-shirts
decorated by abuse survivors to carry their messages of anger,
hope, and pain. The shirts are color-coded to indicate different
forms of domestic violence. Through the project, organizers hope
to heighten public awareness about crimes against women and to
find some personal healing, as well as establish sisterhood with
other survivors. As of the summer of 1994, more than two
hundred different clotheslines bearing 20,000 shirts had been
displayed across America. A national exhibit was held in the
spring of 1995 in Washington, D.C. It continues to sponsor local
workshops and exhibits.
Communities with the greatest success in lowering rates of
domestic
 Page 195
violence are those in which the various public and private
agencies work together in a collective effort to tackle the
problem. In these communities, diverse talents and services can
be combined to offer those in need of help an organized system,
rather than existing as piecemeal groups only vaguely aware of
what else is available. Successful programs vary in their structure
and scope, but all share two key elements: communication and
cooperation.
Ideally, all of the entities and agencies that are involved in
domestic violence issues within a given community or region
should meet and interact on a regular basis to share ideas, plan
strategies, develop protocols, and promote an ongoing dialog
with one another and with the public. Practically, this may not
always be possible. In many areas, the key participants are
already spread so thin they cannot even serve all who need them.
However, simple solutions have been discovered by innovative
communities. One city responded to the pleas of already
overworked professionals by instituting a monthly lunch
program in which a task force compiled of individuals and
representatives from the various groupspolice, social services
workers, teachers, victim advocates, medical professionals,
preventionists, prosecutorsmeet for lunch for an informal
opportunity to tell each other what they have been doing, what
they need, and how they can help others. As one shelter manager
commented, "What we need is not more meetings, but more
dialog." Even one or two gatherings a year, in which
collaborators can compile a list of names, roles, and numbers so
professionals can call each other and make referrals to service
providers can make a huge difference. It is also important to
consider players in the system who might not come to mind
immediately because they are not in one of the traditional victim-
contact roles. For example, I recently heard a criminal defense
attorney comment that he, too, needs to be aware of the available
resources, so he can refer the abusers he represents to qualified
counselors and appropriate programs. In turn, he can make
others aware of the many legal alternatives available to deal with
abusers, such as electronic monitoring, work release, community
service plus mandatory counseling.
As one police officer stated, "It is not fair to expect law
enforcement to be district attorney, for a social worker to be a
copwe all need to do
 Page 196
our jobs well and work together. The peculiar nature of the
victim-offender relationship makes this crime different from
others, combining love, terror, confusion, and other intense
emotions.'' Everyoneespecially those likely to be a victim's first
contact, such as emergency room physicians, police officers, and
shelter staffneed to be aware of the places available to refer the
victim for various types of help. Communities can easily and
inexpensively print and distribute small booklets or even
business cards listing the most crucial names and numbers. For
example, the Family Crisis Unit of the Albuquerque Police
Department distributes a small booklet entitled, "Pocket Guide
for Victims of Domestic Violence," which tells victims how and
where to get help. This compact but thorough resource contains
information to help victims understand and identify abuse;
statistics on the prevalence of domestic violence; a summary of
the effects of domestic violence on children; advice on what to
do before, during, and after an attack; and concise information
on how the different components of the legal system can provide
help. Telephone numbers for sources of legal, social, medical,
counseling, housing, and other areas of helpeven education and
child careare provided.
Model Programs
In 1992, the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court
Judges published a book entitled Family Violence: State-of-the-
Art Court Programs, describing eighteen court-annexed
programs dealing with domestic violence throughout the United
States, which they considered "state-of-the-art." While no one
program was perfect, the Council chose programs it believed had
outstanding attributes that could be considered by all
communities.
The Council also noted that some of the programs took different
approaches to controversial issues surrounding the legal response
to family violence, including: Whether or not a victim should be
required to do certain things such as appear in court, attend
counseling, or meet with the abuser in attempting to resolve such
issues as child custody; whether or not batterers should be
diverted out of the criminal justice
 Page 197
system into treatment programs and, if so, when; and whether or
not the court system should focus primarily on the needs of the
adult victim of domestic violence or the needs of children in the
family.
The Council worked with an advisory committee of national
experts in the field of family violence who had a wide variety of
backgrounds and perspectives. The eighteen programs selected as
the best represented those who had been effective in reducing,
intervening, and controlling family violence. The Council found
that many of the programs attributed a large measure of their
success to their ability to borrow good ideas from other
programs. Some also stressed the importance of a leader within
the community dedicated to the growth of the program. Others
emphasized the necessity of community commitment, noting the
efforts of the women who have carried on grassroots services for
years. All emphasized the importance of a continuous,
coordinated effort between law enforcement, prosecution, the
courts, and treatment programs; as well as the involvement of
more indirectly related providers such as public housing and the
medical community. All found that each separate component
benefitted from its regular interaction with the others. The
successful programs also shared a willingness to change, and a
flexibility to allow for ongoing improvement.
Although the study was published in 1992, these programs are
still going strong today, following the same principles that
established them as cornerstones of their communities. Several of
the leading programs are described in some detail below; others
are listed in the appendix. Unless otherwise stated, the views
expressed in the program descriptions are those of the programs
and not necessarily the policy of the Council. All have expressed
a willingness to work with individuals and groups from other
communities; and some publish reports, brochures, and training
materials.
In another publication, Family Violence: Improving Court
Practices, the Council pointed out that judges can also make a
huge difference in both community attitudes and the
effectiveness of the law. Judges must treat domestic violence as a
serious crime, and not only issue strong orders but follow up to
make sure batterers comply or face serious consequences,
including jail time if any provision is broken. Judges who have
 Page 198
made it clear that they mean business have found that batterers
are much more likely to stay away from their victims, attend
counseling and education programs, and comply with the order's
other provisions. As one experienced judge pointed out, abusers
are experts in control, and will be quick to detect whether their
victims and the judges who sentence them mean what they say.
Victims are safer and feel empowered to stand up to their abusers
when the court puts its strength behind them.
Moreover, compliance reviews that make sure offenders are
obeying protection orders and other court mandates take
relatively little time. One judge who handles such reviews once a
week for an hour and a half finds he can take on fifteen to twenty
reviews per week in that time; and that time is saved in the long
run by far less repeat filings. The batterer gets the message that
there will be more hearings, and more penalties, until he
complies.
Comprehensive Programs
The Council first described in its study what it called
"comprehensive" programs. These are private, nonprofit
organizations operating independent of the court system or
government agencies, and funded by a variety of public and
private sources. The programs provide direct services to victims,
including immediate aid, court advocacy, shelter, counseling,
therapy, and referrals to other sources for needs such as housing
and legal assistance.
Many of these programs also provide individual and group
treatment, legal assistance, intervention, outreach, detention
screening, and other services for batterers. All of the
comprehensive programs develop close working relationships
with judges, prosecutors, and law enforcement. They provide
feedback and make sure critical information is exchanged
between the various people involved in individual cases. They
also provide training for agency and judicial personnel, and act as
conduits for information that needs to be shared by the courts
and other agencies. Comprehensive programs are frequently
involved in a community domestic violence task force, composed
of representatives from the various court and community
agencies.
 Page 199
Several different types of comprehensive programs the Council
recognized are profiled below. Although they vary in scope and
their particular approach, they share characteristics unique to
comprehensive programs. Each program appreciates the
importance of working to change the "big picture," and takes
various steps toward improving the social and legal structure that
affects its clients. These efforts include research, amending
legislation, speaking, and directly working toward legal and
social changes. Each program strives toward the recognition of
family violence as serious criminal conduct, and tries to see that
victims have the opportunity to use all the available legal
remedies, without having to choose between them.
The Domestic Abuse Project (DAP)
204 West Franklin Avenue
Minneapolis, MN 55404
(612) 874-7063
Founded in 1979, DAP is one of the oldest programs against
domestic violence. It serves Hennepin County, Minnesota which
includes Minneapolis. DAP has two community intervention
projects that work directly with prosecutors, one for felony cases
and one for misdemeanors. It also has a therapy unit, which
provides group, individual, couples, and family therapy services
for women and children who are victims, as well as for abusive
men. A unique feature of this unit is its group therapy programs
for adolescents; one for boys who have been in abusive family or
dating relationships, and a similar one for girls.
DAP's training program offers education and training to mental
health and social service professionals and to the criminal justice
system. It also gives public presentations in schools, in churches,
and for community organizations. It publishes an adult treatment
manual for male and female clients, publishes a children's
treatment manual, and conducts training sessions and workshops
tailored for different communities across the country.
DAP also has an evaluation and research program that collects
follow-up data on the men's and women's therapy programs to
assess their
 Page 200
success. The program evaluates different approaches in working
with abusive men, comparing education, process/self-help, and a
combined approach. The children's program has also been
evaluated, with published research reports available from DAP.
Like most programs, DAP relies on extensive assistance from
volunteers. Some work directly with victims of domestic
violence, while others serve as facilitators with self-help support
groups.
Minnesota police are required by law to make a written report on
every incident involving a domestic assault, and officers report
all arrests by telephone to DAP's twenty-four-hour crisis line. In
the Minneapolis program, an advocate then calls the victim and
advises her of services and legal options. The next day the
advocate prepares a memo for the city attorney (the prosecutor)
stating the victim's concerns and requesting a no-contact
(protection) order if needed. The prosecutor brings domestic
assault charges, and the victim is required to appear as a witness
at the pretrial (where the man may enter a guilty plea) and the
trial, if the case proceeds. The advocate assists the victim
throughout this process.
The advocate also works with the prosecuting attorney in the
courtroom, in staff meetings, and on a multi-agency task force
that examines how the criminal prosecution and the civil
protective order process can be improved. The advocate may
continue to work on the case after the trial to make sure the
victim's concerns about sentencing are considered by the court.
He or she may also remain involved if probation is ordered and
later, if the conditions of probation are violated. A similar
program is provided to Hennepin County residents, with
advocates working out of the county attorney's office.
One of the strengths of DAP is its funding from a wide variety of
sources, including the Department of Corrections, the United
Way, client fees, Hennepin County, the city of Minneapolis,
private funding, and federal funds under the Family Violence
Prevention and Services Act.
No program is perfect, and DAP, like others, still grapples with
various problems. Not all area police are as sensitive to the
victims as they should be, and funding must be sought
continually. Yet DAP has proven to be one of the most
impressive and effective coordinated projects in the country, and
has been used as a model by many other communities.
 Page 201
House of Ruth, Inc.
Domestic Violence Legal Clinic
2201 Argone Drive
Baltimore, MD 21218
(301) 889-0840
The House of Ruth operates five direct service programs,
including a shelter, individual and group counseling for women
(including long-term group counseling for abuse survivors), a
volunteer-run, twenty-four-hour hotline, a children's program for
children in the shelter, and a domestic violence legal clinic. It also
has an outreach program, which arranges media events, provides
a speaker's bureau, and produces educational videotapes and
publications for both the public and legal professionals.
One of the most unique features of the House of Ruth is its legal
clinic. Staffed by four attorneys and five support professionals, it
provides legal representation and advocacy, primarily for low-
income victims. Based in the shelter, its main goals are to ensure
the safety of its clients and to improve the laws affecting battered
women. The clinic provides information, referrals, and advocacy
in criminal court. Its staff directly represents women seeking
protective orders, divorce, child custody, and, occasionally, in
criminal defense. In especially dangerous cases, an attorney will
help a woman obtain name changes, new birth certificates, and
relocation. The legal clinic also helps link clients to trained pro
bono (free) attorneys who volunteer their services.
The legal clinic has undertaken a number of unique projects in its
efforts to change the law in favor of battered women. In 1990, it
successfully represented Maryland's battered women in a class
action suit against the Public Service Commission to obtain
protection against a telephone system that allows the listener to
locate the caller, posing a substantial threat to battered women
and those who help them. It has worked hard to improve access
to the civil system for low-income women, filed amicus curiae
(friend of the court) briefs in cases involving such issues as
expert testimony on the battered woman syndrome and evidence
of violence in custody cases. These briefs educate the court about
laws supporting the point of view of some person or group not
 Page 202
directly involved in the case, and urge the judge to hand down a
decision that will change or support the law in a way favorable to
its goals.
One of the clinic's most impressive achievements was the
Clemency Project, in which the clinic, working with the Domestic
Violence Task Force, undertook various efforts to help women
charged with killing or attempting to kill their abusers who were
routinely denied the opportunity to present evidence on the
battered woman syndrome at their trials. A class action suit was
being prepared when the matter came to the attention of
Maryland Governor William Donald Schaefer, so a special report
was prepared for him. As a result, in February 1991, Governor
Schaefer commuted the sentences of eight women incarcerated
for killing or injuring their abusers. Three more women were
later released, and another had her conviction overturned on
appeal.
The House of Ruth is also notable for providing comprehensive
services at one location. A victim can find legal assistance,
shelter, counseling, parenting services, children's services, and
batterer treatment all in one place. It works closely with other
agencies and in 1989, worked with the city to publish Domestic
Violence Policies and Procedures, a manual representing the
cooperative efforts of each branch of the legal system to
disapprove of and work to end domestic violence.
At the House of Ruth, counseling and legal activities support one
another. Legal services are free to low-income clients, but the
clinic believes it is beneficial to charge clients who can pay a
small fee, ask them to assist with volunteer work, or ask them to
help with investigation and legal work on their own cases, so
they stay directly involved.
Templum/East Cleveland Domestic Violence Project
P.O. Box 5466
Cleveland, OH 44101
(216) 634-7501
Templum is another pioneer among domestic violence centers.
Established in 1978, it provides shelter, counseling, outreach,
community education, children's services, and legal advocacy.
The East Cleveland Domestic Violence Project was established by
Templum in 1986 to provide court advocacy for victims in
misdemeanor domestic
 Page 203
violence cases in the East Cleveland Municipal Court. It offers
crisis intervention, hospital visitation, court accompaniment, help
with temporary protection orders, individual counseling, group
therapy, referrals to legal assistance, and referrals to safe housing.
It also provides services for the perpetrators, including
information about pending charges, court procedures, sentencing,
work release, and counseling services. Its philosophy supports
the criminal justice system's refusal to tolerate domestic violence,
but also the belief that abusive men can end their violence and
learn to be respectful partners and effective parents.
The project also facilitates coordinated efforts among the East
Cleveland police, prosecutor's office, probation and parole
department, judges, bailiffs, court clerks, community hospitals,
social service agencies, and pastors. It is a center for information,
consultation, and support for each component of the court-based
intervention system. Police respond immediately to domestic
violence calls. The local judge considers domestic violence a
serious crime and believes the abuser is solely responsible for his
conduct. A conviction often brings thirty days in jail.
The entire program is housed in the city hall, so social services
and the criminal justice system share one location. While safety
of victims is a priority, men are encouraged to seek help and end
violence in the family.
The project works to educate the community and change attitudes
about domestic violence and family life in general. People of
color, mainly African Americans, comprise 99 percent of the East
Cleveland jurisdiction. Participants in the project share a goal of
creating a community where Black families can live free of
violence and realize their potential. Working with community
leaders and at the street level, its goal is to achieve a community
opposed to violence and supportive of relationships based on
respect and equality.
Several components of the project are rather unique. A wider
variety of punishment and treatment alternatives are available for
offenders than in most programs. For example, work release with
electronic monitoring is an option in appropriate cases. Long-
term, periodic contact with the victim provides support for her in
assuring her safety and encouraging her to work toward goals
such as education, while probation and parole authorities track
the abuser's compliance with sentencing conditions such as
desisting from violence and continuing treatment.
 Page 204
The judge and project coordinator are highly visible leaders in
the community, and information is widely distributed. The
project routinely evaluates its own effectiveness and that of the
criminal justice system, and has participants complete a
questionnaire when their case is closed.
The project does extraordinary work with very little money. The
project coordinator, municipal court judge, and mayor of East
Cleveland share the vision of creating an African-American
urban community that is safe, empowering, and economically
supportive of all members.
The Family Court of the Second Circuit
2145 Main Street, Suite 226
Wailuku, Maui, Hawaii 96793
(808) 244-2290
Alternatives to Violence
P.O. Box 909
Wailuku, Maui, HI 96793
(808) 242-9559
This unique family court is part of a court system with
jurisdiction over all family matters, including civil restraining
(protection) orders and criminal misdemeanor domestic violence
cases. The court has been praised for its unusual way of offering
domestic violence victims easy access to the courthouse, its
ability to issue protection orders within two or three hours, and
for being one of the few formal systems in the country that
monitors abusers under protection orders. Much of the credit
goes to an enlightened group of judges, who are willing to try
new ideas and change what is not working. The Family Court
works closely with Alternatives to Violence (ATV), an
independent organization that offers group treatment for abusive
men, programs for women, treatment for juvenile offenders, and
advocacy services. The treatment programs all have very high
success rates.
The process of ending domestic violence often begins at ATV.
Advocates review the police report, which must be filed even if
no arrest is made, and accompany the victim throughout the court
process. One prosecutor works on the case, and charges are not
dropped at the
 Page 205
victim's request. Hawaii's law requires a minimum forty-eight-
hour jail sentence, one-year probation, and participation in court-
ordered counseling for convicted abusers.
During hearings, a secure and serious atmosphere prevails in the
courtroom. All judges are trained in the dynamics of an abusive
relationship. The court staff makes sure both victim and offender
understand everything that happens. Usually, the victim is
required to attend a twelve- or fifteen-week counseling program,
and the batterer is ordered into a twenty-four-week program at
ATV. A voluntary group serves men who wish to continue
treatment after the mandatory period. An adolescent's group for
young abusers provides a sixteen-week education program
toward ending the use of violence in relationships. An anger
management group is a one-day education and prevention
program for adolescents involved in school or street fights. ATV
also holds group sessions for children of adult clients, and the
judge may order parents of children who have witnessed
violence to bring their children to ATV for assessment. A
domestic violence task force meets monthly with representatives
from the police, prosecutor's office, shelter, family court, ATV,
and the city council.
The unified family court system allows one judge to deal with all
aspects of a case, civil and criminal, and to create remedies that
serve the needs of all family members. Other effective features of
this system include all police carrying cards about services for
victims and cameras in their cars for evidence, and ''Sky Bridge,"
a video link between the islands which is used along with fax
transmissions for civil restraining order hearings.
Statewide Court Programs
The Council also looked at family violence programs serving
entire states. These programs are somewhat different in that they
operate inside the government system with public funds. The
main advantage to such programs is that the policies and
procedures for preventing and reducing family violence are set
by the state legislature, and the same rules apply to all
communities and citizens of the state. Also, some consistent
funding is assured. However, state programs are urged to allow
local communities to
 Page 206
act independently to develop strong systems tailored to their
specific needs and to locate additional sources of funding. The
Council profiled the Hawaii and Connecticut systems as state-of-
the-art.
Connecticut Superior Court
Family Violence Intervention Units
& Domestic Violence Projects
28 Grand Street
Hartford, CT 06106
(203) 566-8187
In 1986, Connecticut passed a law creating Family Violence
Intervention Units (FVIUs). This law established these special
units in the Family Division of the Conneticut Superior Court in
each of the twenty-two geographical areas of the state. The
legislation also established a statewide advocate program to be
operated by the Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence
under a contract with the state. The courts also contract with
private, local mental health organizations for counseling and
treatment services.
In most misdemeanor cases, courts issue criminal protection
orders for victims and refer first-time abusers to the six-week
pretrial education program, along with supervised probation for
at least three months. The law also requires arrest for family
violence crimes and arraignment within twenty-four to seventy-
two hours after charges are filed. Before arraignment, both victim
and abuser are interviewed by a family relations counselor, who
prepares a report for the judge. The report contains general
information about the family, documents any prior history of
abuse, and may include recommendations for services or
sentencing. The victim is referred to the family violence advocate
program, and offered information on a broad range of family
protection and support services. She also receives information on
the court process and how to protect her rights during and after
the case.
At the arraignment hearing, if eligible defendants apply for
referral to the pretrial education program, the prosecutor often
dismisses the case with the condition that the offender
successfully completes a treatment
 Page 207
program and abides by other conditions set by the court. A
protection order remains in effect, and the defendant is
supervised. The victim and abuser are then referred to the FVIU,
and a counselor completes interviews and prepares an in-depth,
final report for the court, including an assessment of the abuser's
risk to the family.
The twenty-two FVIUs employ full-time victim advocates, who
provide emergency shelter, court assistance, referrals to
community services, and assistance to the victim in planning for
her safety. The advocates and the programs they work with also
provide a twenty-four-hour hot-line, a children's advocate
program, and other services for children.
The Connecticut program is fortunate to be backed by state
policy declaring that family violence is a crime best treated as
such in conjunction with services to both victims and offenders,
and backed by legislation and funding. Research is ongoing, and
when the studies suggest recommendations for improvements,
changes are implemented.
Another unique feature of the Connecticut system is the
continual, mandatory training programs for police, judges, and
service providers. Public education about domestic violence and
the state's response is another effort. There is also a strong
partnership between the Family Division of the Superior Court
and the Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The
court staff, including counselors and advocates, is professionally
trained. In its study, the Council stated, ''Connecticut's public
policy of reinforcing the seriousness of domestic violence issues
with mandatory arrests and accelerated arraignments should be
essential elements of all legislation."
Rural Programs
Rural courts and others involved in domestic violence issues in
country areas face special challenges. The small-town setting in
which nearly everyone knows one another makes victims
embarrassed to seek help, and police and judges sometimes
reluctant to hold neighbors accountable for their violence.
Traditional views about families and gender roles persist in some
rural areas, and isolation can be an additional problem.
Yet rural folk are known for working together to solve local
problems,
 Page 208
and community disapproval is a strong deterrent in areas with
close interpersonal ties and shared values. If county sheriffs and
other law enforcement agencies give priority to training officers,
promptly responding to calls around the clock, providing
necessary transportation to victims, and serving protection
orders, excellent results can be achieved. Courts in rural areas
must also make protection orders available without charge.
Someone in the system, either an advocate or court employee,
must also provide support to the victim. The Council found that
attitude, training, and assistance for victims at the courthouse
were the most fundamental elements in rural communities with
effective services. Thus, each successful program listed has a
strong partnership between the court and community-based
programs that offer protection to victims, punishment and
treatment of abusers, coordinated community work, and attention
to the necessary details. Each part of this network must be well
trained and serious about preventing and responding to family
violence.
Tri-State Coalition Against Family Violence
P.O. Box 494
Keokuk, IA 52632
(319) 524-4445
This coalition serves both victims of domestic violence and
victims of sexual assault. It provides a crisis hotline, a shelter, a
crisis intervention service, community outreach, court and legal
advocacy, sexual assault services, child advocacy, out-client
services, a women's group, and a batterer's group.
Iowa passed a mandatory arrest law in 1986, which the coalition
credits with substantially changing police attitudes and
responsiveness. In most cases, assault charges are filed and
police call victim advocates at the time of arrest. The advocate is
given a police escort and meets police at the site of the assault,
even if it means an hour's drive. Defendants are held in jail until
an arraignment and hearing, which is scheduled within twenty-
four hours of arrest. Courts treat all domestic violence cases as
potentially lethal.
 Page 209
The parties have assistance at every step. All defendants have
attorneys and all have advocates. The prosecutor will not drop
charges. A no-contact (protection) order is usually issued as a
condition of release on bond. If the batterer is convicted, this
protection order will remain in effect for one to two years.
Sentencing of a first-time offender usually means two to five
days in jail, court costs, restitution to the coalition for service
costs, participation in the sixteen-week men's group, and
probation. This sentencing is supported by Iowa's state
legislation.
The coalition, the courts, law enforcement, and the community
see themselves as partners in a "get-tough" approach to stop
domestic violence. The new law plus the partnership between the
coalition and the police appears to be having a real deterrent
effect, and police feel the presence of the victim's advocate is
helpful to their ability to respond effectively to difficult cases.
The word is out in the community that wife beating means jail.
The local prosecutor has found that the policies of mandatory
arrest, no-drops, and automatic requests for no contact orders
have made management of family violence cases much easier for
his office.
Rural neighborliness is reflected in the twenty-four-hour, "go-
any-where-we-must-philosophy." The coalition's board of
directors is representative of the broad community, and members
are very active. Mutual evaluation and feedback between the
coalition, the police, and social service agencies are given on a
regular basis.
Civil Protection Order Programs
Today, all fifty states have enacted legislation providing for
protection orders, which are the most available remedies for
domestic violence victims. To be effective, such orders must be
easily accessible, be consistently enforced, and provide detailed
relief. A major weakness in many areas is monitoring compliance
with these orders, and few courts have developed formal
methods, such as those used to track offenders on probation.
Those that do have found the use of victim advocates to be an
effective method of assisting the victims and the court, screening
for any ongoing violence, and making sure children in the home
are safe.
 Page 210
Committee to Aid Abused Women
Second Judicial District Court
Protection Order Program
Washoe County Courthouse
75 Court Street, Room 103
Reno, NV 89520
(702) 328-3468
This program is noted for its streamlined procedures and
dedicated judicial support. A concerned judge developed forms
and procedures to make protection orders readily available.
When it was deluged with applicants, the Washoe County Second
Judicial District Court hired a special master (a judge with limited
duties) to hear these cases full-time.
A special office for the protection order program is located in the
Reno courthouse with three private interview rooms, a waiting
room, a staff office, and a children's play area. Well-trained
clerks and advocates assist the victim, and a bilingual advocate is
available. An intake interview is conducted and detailed
information is collected. The victim is given basic information
about domestic violence, the court system, and community
services, and views a videotape. An appointment with the special
master is set, and the hearing is usually held in his or her
chambers. Applications for protection orders must be heard
within one day of filing, and the victim does not need an
attorney. This judge is very well trained and sensitive to domestic
violence issues, and generally reminds the victim that it is not her
fault and that nobody deserves to be abused.
About 80 percent of the orders requested are granted. They often
prohibit the abuser from any personal or telephone contact with
the victim, remove him from the residence, prohibit him from
going to the victim's place of work or children's school, award
temporary child custody, and address other matters. When she
receives the order, the victim takes it to the clerk's office for
filing then to the sheriff's department. She pays a twelve-dollar
fee if she can, and the sheriff's deputies serve the order on the
abuser. The deputies also help the victim carry out provisions of
the order such as escorting the person leaving to retrieve
belongings from the home. They may assist the victim in getting
custody of children, confiscating weapons or house keys, or
getting an
 Page 211
abuser out of the home. Service of a protection order by a peace
officer helps convey the message that domestic violence is a
crime.
The victim is usually ordered to attend the domestic violence
education program. This one-session, two-hour class provides
information about family violence, legal options, related issues,
and community services. Each victim receives a self-help and
reference manual. After a hearing at which both parties are
present, generally two to four weeks later, the order may be
extended for up to one year.
If the order is violated, arrest is mandatory. The abuser may be
charged with violating the order or held in contempt of court,
either of which can mean a fine and jail. The Committee to Aid
Abused Women works under a contract with the court, and its
advocates help women prepare forms, provide information about
court procedures, and provide other services the victims need.
The system has been praised by victims for helping themand for
working. One unique feature is gold star pins provided to
victims, which help create a network in the community.
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence
2505 North Front Street
Harrisburg, PA 17110-1111
(717) 234-7353
The Council also praised the Pennsylvania Coalition Against
Domestic Violence as one of the oldest and strongest state
coalitions in the country. The coalition has been in place since
1976, when Pennsylvania passed the first domestic violence
coalition in the United States. Since its beginning, the
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence has been
committed to four principle goals:
1. The development of a statewide network of direct services for
the safety and welfare of victims
2. Advocacy efforts to improve the various systems and
institutions directly involved with domestic violence victims
3. Community education and prevention programs
4. Providing training personnel both statewide and in different
communities
 Page 212
The program has always focused upon a blend of services to
victims and advocacy toward social change. It developed one of
the first training manuals for police officers, as well as training
for virtually all of the other professionals involved in the public
and private systems. Today, the Pennsylvania Coalition produces
a wide variety of videos, manuals, handbooks, and course
curriculum materials for courts, police, family lawyers, victims,
children, and the public. Its legal advocacy office assists other
attorneys, advises legislators, and works with public agencies and
other professionals. Pennsylvania's own laws reflect the
dedication of the state toward ending domestic violence,
including, among many other provisions, funding for advocacy
and the requirement that domestic violence be considered in child
custody cases. The first priority when committing resources is the
safety of the victims.
Prosecution Programs
The Council also looked at successful prosecution-based
programs. As changes in law enforcement and public attitudes
have led to a dramatic increase in arrests for domestic violence,
prosecutorsstate, district, or county attorneyshave been faced
with new challenges. Not only has the increased workload from
these cases proven difficult, but the changing view of family
assault as a serious crime and the lethal nature of many such
cases have forced prosecutors to find new ways of responding
promptly and effectively.
The Domestic Violence Unit
Office of the San Diego City Attorney
1010 Second Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, CA 92101-4903
(619) 531-4040
The Domestic Violence Unit of the San Diego City Attorney's
Office, under the guidance of Deputy City Attorney Casey G.
Gwinn, has developed a strong, energetic, and well-organized
system for dealing with domestic violence which has been used
as a model for prosecutors across the country. The prosecutor
takes full charge of each case. The
 Page 213
victim is not required to sign a formal complaint; it will be signed
by a deputy city attorney. The decision whether or not to file
charges is made by the prosecutor. If there is sufficient
independent evidence, charges can be filed without the victim's
full involvement, though she may be subpoenaed to appear and
testify at trial.
The prosecutor views all of the cases in which charges are filed
as serious, violent criminal behavior. Charges are not reduced to
lesser offenses. The city attorney staff notifies the victim of all
hearings and outcomes, explains procedures, and tries to
maintain a rapport with her throughout the prosecution of the
case.
The Domestic Violence Unit has also produced a manual,
Domestic Violence Misdemeanor Prosecution Protocol, for all its
attorneys, which is an excellent resource on domestic violence
dynamics, policies, requirements, and sample court forms. The
unit works closely with the county attorney's office, the San
Diego Domestic Violence Council, the San Diego Task Force on
Domestic Violence, and many professionals who work under the
guidance of the task force. Some of the accomplishments of the
task force include the creation of a protocol for all law
enforcement agencies, training sessions for judges and their
staffs, a protocol for hospitals and physicians who treat domestic
violence victims, standards for those treating batterers,
advocating for funding for the Domestic Violence Unit, and
helping to create a special unit in the county probation
department. It also assisted in the creation of the Family Violence
Project at Children's Hospital to establish a national model for
intervention in cases involving both spouse and child abuse,
produced a training video for law enforcement agencies, and
helped reduce the 1990 domestic homicide rate in the city by 61
percent. Eighty-eight percent of the cases prosecuted are resolved
with a conviction.
In all cases set for trial, the prosecutor prepares a trial brief from
samples available in the training manual and on computer, which
sets out the facts of the case and the applicable law that supports
the prosecutor's case, as well as addresses other legal issues. This
brief is a part of the thorough preparation which contributes to
the high conviction rate. Sentencing following a guilty plea or
conviction at trial includes jail time, a one-year treatment
program, and other orders.
 Page 214
The Council suggested that other jurisdictions, as a starting point
toward developing such a program, assign one prosecutor to
specialize in domestic violence cases. This can generally be done
through reallocation of staff and existing resources from non-
violent misdemeanors to crimes of violence and the gradual
addition of staff over time. As stated by John J. Witt, San Diego
city attorney, in the Council's book, Family Violence: State of the
Art Court Programs, "Comprehensive misdemeanor prosecution
of domestic violence cases will save lives, break the generational
cycle, and dramatically reduce the number of felony burglaries,
assaults, rapes, kidnappings, and murders that often result if the
violence is allowed to escalate. Few crimes are as central to the
destruction of the American family as domestic violence. Early
intervention is the only strategy that will stop the violence before
it can replicate itself in the lives of the children who witness the
violence."
Offender Accountability
The Council took a close look at the difficult problem of holding
offenders accountable for their actions. There is substantial
controversy over whether or not such programs really work, the
best format for the programs, and how much time is required of
the participants. Most programs work with the courts under
mandatory treatment orders. Supervising a large number of cases
is a difficult task for any court system. Yet a number of programs
have been very successful.
The Council recommended that every sentence in a family
violence case should order the offender to be involved in
activities specifically designed to reduce future violence,
including alcohol and drug evaluation and treatment if necessary;
formal supervision and monitoring of compliance, with
substantial penalties for repeat violations; diversion into treatment
only after an admission of responsibility and in extraordinary
cases; maximum supervision by probation departments; and
specific standards for batterer's treatment and education
programs.
 Page 215
Stipulated Order of Continuance Program
Bellevue Probation Department
P.O. Box 90012
Bellevue, WA 98009-9012
(206) 455-6956
This program, called ''SOC," is the effort of four public and two
private agencies which meet regularly to provide a coordinated
and immediate response to domestic violence cases in the
community. Each agency becomes involved right after an arrest.
The agencies involved in the program include the police
department, prosecuting attorney, district court, probation
department, Eastside Mental Health Agency, and Eastside
Domestic Violence Program. The probation department has a
unique program comprised of volunteer probation officers who
are continually trained and closely supervised.
To be eligible for the SOC program, an offender must
acknowledge his abusive behavior and be found amenable to
supervision and treatment. The victim is also consulted for her
opinion. If the batterer successfully completes the program, the
complaint is dismissed; otherwise, he continues in the court
system.
Washington has a mandatory arrest law where there is probable
cause to believe a crime occurred. Officers also give each victim
a fifty-page booklet that explains domestic violence, police
procedures, security, emotional support services, and other
resources. The defendant is taken to jail, booked, and if he is to
be released on bail, a no-contact order is issued. If the charge is a
felony or the abuser has never been arrested before on assault
charges, he is not considered eligible for the SOC program.
Before any abuser can be admitted, he must convince a probation
officer that he understands his responsibility for the crime and
really wants the treatment.
Offenders who go into the program are given the same
monitoring and services as a defendant on probation. The abuser
must attend individual and group therapy programs at Eastside
Mental Health for at least six months. Therapy includes anger and
violence counseling. Each
 Page 216
participant is also evaluated for drug, alcohol, or mental health
problems, and referred to other treatment if necessary.
Defendants pay for the program on a sliding fee scale. If the
abuser successfully completes the program with all required
treatment and no new arrests, the complaint is dismissed after
twelve months.
Two factors, in particular, make the SOC program successful:
first, the high degree of cooperation by the six agencies; and,
second, the immediate, coordinated response to each case. The
quick response helps protect the victim and assure that the abuser
will be held accountable, as well as receive the best chance to
change his life.
Diversion programs are controversial, and many police and
prosecutors oppose them. However, the Bellevue SOC program
is strongly supported by the local criminal justice system, as well
as local mental health advocates. Also, some feel that the
defendants may be strongly motivated by the desire to keep a
clean criminal record.
 Page 217

Chapter Eight
Practical Information for Women Who Are Abused and
Those Who Want to Help Them
Today, more than ever before, women who are living with
domestic violence, as well as those who care about them and
want to help prevent and put an end to the tragedy of family
violence, have a wide array of resources available. Following is a
collection of information and ideas from many different sources.
For the Abused Woman
Women today who are abused or at risk for abuse have more
options than ever before. Coalitions, shelters, programs, books,
hotlines, advocates, and many other resources are available to
nearly all women through national, state, and local services.
However, before a woman can choose and locate the type of help
best suited to her circumstances, some self-examination to get a
clear picture of those circumstances may be required.
 Page 218
Are You Abused or at Risk for Abuse?
According to the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project of Duluth,
Minnesota, certain behaviors of abusive men have been identified
as characteristic of the early stages of abuse that often precedes
physical battering. These personality traits are combined with
information on the predictors of domestic violence, as identified
by the National Technical Assistance Center on Family Violence
and published by the National Coalition Against Domestic
Violence. Women who recognize several of these traits in their
partners should take a careful look at the relationship, and
carefully consider getting out before it becomes violent.
1. Your partner has a history of growing up in a violent family, a
setting where he learned that violence is normal behavior.
2. He has a tendency to use force or violence to try to solve
problemsas indicated by behavior such as a criminal record for
violence, a quick temper or tendency to overreact to minor
frustrations, fighting, destructive behavior when angry, cruelty to
animals.
3. He abuses alcohol or drugs.
4. He has a poor opinion of himself, often masked by trying to
act tough.
5. He often exhibits jealousy, not only of other men, but also of
friends and family members.
6. He exhibits hypermasculine behaviorhe feels he should make
all the decisions, tell you what your role as a woman and his as a
man must be. He has very traditional ideas about appropriate
roles and behaviors of men and women, and thinks women are
second-class citizens. He expects you to follow his orders and
advice and may become angry if you can't read his mind and
anticipate what he wants.
7. He emotionally abuses you or other women with name-calling,
putdowns, humiliation, and attempts to create guilt.
8. He isolates you by telling you who you may see or talk to,
controls what you do and where you go, even what you read. He
keeps tabs on your every move, and wants you with him all the
time.
9. He intimidates you and makes you afraid through looks, anger,
actions, a display of weapons or gestures. He destroys your
property or abuses your pets. He enjoys playing with lethal
weapons, and
 Page 219
threatens to use them against those he feels wronged him. You do
what he wants you to do, and constantly work to keep him from
getting angry.
10. He portrays ''Jekyll and Hyde" behavior. He goes through
highs and lows, as though he is two different people, and he
swings from extremely kind to extremely cruel.
11. He uses coercion and threats. He tells you he will hurt you,
leave you, or kill himself if you leave. If you file charges against
him he makes you drop them by threatening violence or suicide.
Have you changed your life so you won't make him angry?
12. He treats you roughly, and physically forces you to do things
you do not want to do.
13. He often denies his actions, minimizing or making light of his
own abusive behavior, refusing to take your concerns seriously,
and blaming you for his behavior.
14. He economically abuses you by preventing you from getting
or keeping a job, controlling all the money in the household,
making you ask for money, or concealing his income.
Women in relationships where these behaviors regularly take
place are already abused, even if the physical violence has not
started. These signs should be taken very seriously.
Sometimes people are occasionally nasty, but generally treat their
partners well, so it is not so clear as to whether the behavior is
abusive or merely the less pleasant side of normal human nature.
Often the way a victim feels or acts can be a clue that occasional
moodiness has crossed the line into abuse. Ask yourself if you
have begun to doubt yourselfdo you wonder if you are crazy? Do
you look at yourself and what you do in a different way? For
example, if you once considered yourself a good cook, a talented
singer, a competent worker, has this changed? Do you doubt your
own judgment? Are you afraid of your partner? Have you
stopped expressing your opinions? Do you hesitate to make
decisions before asking your partner's permission? Have you
stopped seeing friends, taking classes, going out when you
choose? Do you spend a lot of time watching your partner's
moods? One of the simplest things a woman can
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do to begin the process of change is to begin to say different
things to herself. Reassure yourself that you do not deserve
abuse, that you do not have to tolerate mistreatment. Remind
yourself of your positive traits, your accomplishments, all the
things you can do and have done.
We all have human imperfections. Sometimes we can benefit by
working, either on our own or with the help of others, to make
changes in ourselves that will improve our lives. Everyone has
room to grow. But nothing gives one human being the right to
use violence against another except in self-defense to stop
violence. Even if you have behaved in a way toward your partner
that you or he does not consider rightsuch as yelling, nagging,
engaging in infidelity, or criticizingthat does not give him the
right to hurt you. It may give him the right to get angry, to tell
you to stop, to argue, or to leave you. It does not, ever, justify
violence. You may have provoked his anger. But you did not
provoke his violencethat is his choice, and his problem. Healthy
menthe vast majoritydo not hit women who make them angry.
They have other ways of managing and expressing their anger. If
he abuses you, it is not your fault, you did not "cause" the abuse.
There is no shame in seeking assistance. And most, if not all,
programs protect your privacy. The Women's Community
Association of Albuquerque characterizes respect and
confidentiality as mainstays of their programs.
Battery is against the law. You are not responsible for your
partner's violent behavior, even though he probably tries to
blame you. No one deserves abuse. You have the right to insist
that you live in a peaceful home, and your children grow up in a
home free from violence. Nothing justifies abuse, and if your
partner is truly sorry, he needs to get help to learn alternatives to
abusive behavior. As Ginny NiCarthy writes in Getting Free: A
Handbook for Women in Abusive Relationships, you have certain
fundamental rights: "The right to speak your mind. The right to
privacy, choices, some free time, some money of your own,
friends, work, bodily integrity, freedom from fear, treatment with
respect and dignity."
Breaking Free from an Abusive Relationship
Women who are abused often feel that they have no choices. But
all have at least some options, though they may be unaware
alternatives
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exist, either because they lack the information or have been so
severely abused that they are literally paralyzed. Yet women can
escape. In the words of one survivor quoted on a public
television announcement, "You can't change other people, but
you can change yourself."
Following is a list of options experts in the field suggest
considering. If you are an abused woman, not all of these choices
may be right for you, nor all of them available. But at least some
of them are worth considering, and even a small step toward
taking control of your life can be the first step toward complete
freedom and healing. While some women flee all at once, leaving
does not have to be a snap decision, and advance planning can
make separation both easier and safer.
The idea of finding another place to live, supporting yourself and
your children, and changing your whole life in one fell swoop
can be overwhelming, even without the added complication of
living in a violent home. Add the uncertainty, psychological
damage, and terror that come from constantly existing in a
dangerous setting, and the situation can be almost paralyzing.
Yet there is an old saying that holds a lot of truth: Yard by yard
it's hard, but inch by inch it's a cinch. You can accomplish a
tremendous amount by taking small steps toward freedom so
when you feel ready to leaveor when an emergency arisesyou
will be better prepared and it won't be such an ordeal.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has prepared a
list of recommendations on what a woman can do if she decides
to stay for the time being, based on NiCarthy's Getting Free. The
following list includes the recommendations of NiCarthy and the
NCADV, plus ideas and suggestions from various other sources.
1. Get information. By reading this book you are taking a step
toward freedom and a new life. Read othersmany more are listed
in the appendix. Learn about your situation and what options you
have. Many of the organizations listed in the back of this book
will send you free brochures and information if you write or call.
Your state domestic violence coalition is a good place to start.
Gather up the telephone numbers of all the people and agencies
you could call
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upon for help in an emergency and afterward: hotlines, the
police, shelters, friends, the sheriff, family, the church, the
prosecutor's office, the public library, the YWCA, the Salvation
Army, state and local domestic violence coalitions, and general
crisis or self-help lines.
2. Go ahead and call the local crisis line, hotline, shelter, or
coalition for help and information. Even if you don't want to
leave the relationship now, even if you truly believe what
happened was an isolated incident that will never happen again, it
is a good idea to find out what services are available in your
community in case there ever is a second time. Ask about crisis
accommodations for you, your children, and even your pets. Will
they come pick you up in the middle of the night if necessary?
Find out how long you can stay. Do they provide, or give
references to, other services, such as counseling, legal assistance,
court advocates? If you would have to travel to another town to
reach a shelter, find out how to get there. Remember that shelters
aren't only for poor people, they help women of all income
levels. Also, be aware that most shelters offer support to women
not living in the shelter as well. Most provide counseling, group
sessions, and referrals to anyone who needs them.
3. Pack a bag with emergency supplies such as a change of
clothing for yourself and your children, a toothbrush, some cash,
canned and nonperishable food, and telephone numbers for
friends, the local shelter, taxis, and anyone else you may need to
turn to in an emergency. Try to leave it at the home of a trusted
friend or family member who lives nearby. If no one you trust
completely is close, you may want to consider a locker at a bus or
train station or the airport.
4. Tell trustworthy, supportive friends and family members what
is going on. They can be prepared if there is a crisis, offer
emotional support, and help in many different ways, from simply
listening to providing transportation and child care. Tell your
children's teachers and school principal about your situation. If
you have a protection order, give them a copy and ask them not
to release the children to the abuser. Write a letter in your
handwriting to someone you trust detailing what your abuser has
done to you, his full name, when
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incidents occurred, and sign and mail it. It may be useful later as
evidence. Do be careful to confide only in those who truly care
about your well-being. If anyone tells you the abuse is your fault
or that you should accept abusive treatment, that person does not
have your best interest at heart. Never listen to this kind of talkit
is flat out wrong.
5. Many professionals recommend self-defense training. This
type of class can also help you build self-reliance and emotional
strength. However, don't count on such training alone to make
you safemany women can still be overpowered by an enraged
man and end up getting more seriously injured if they try to fight
back. Also, most say to avoid bringing weapons into the home.
Far too often, weapons, especially guns, are used against the
victim or end up in the hands of children.
6. Talk to a legal advisor. Find out about restraining orders,
divorce, and other legal concerns. Many communities have legal
advocates, lawyer hotlines, or legal aid groups that can provide
free advice and referrals to lawyers.
7. Talk to your children about what is happeningthey are almost
sure to know what is going on, or at least that things aren't right,
even if you don't think they have ever witnessed the violence
directly. Make certain they understand that the violence is not
their fault.
8. Prepare a safety plan for yourself and your children. Make list
of telephone numbers of people you are sure you can depend on
in an emergency, preferably people you have talked to about the
violence and who have offered to help. Include the phone
numbers of shelters, and keep this list in your wallet. If someone
you trust lives close to you, ask if you could have keys to his or
her house in case of emergency. Have an extra key for your
house and car made, and keep them in your wallet as well. You
may also want to line up people who can loan you money in an
emergency.
9. Begin thinking about what it will be like to live independently.
Consider whether or not you will want to change jobs, if you are
employed, or what kind of work you would seek if you are not.
Look into job training programs, apprenticeships, classes in your
community, public aid programs. Acquire new job skills. Learn
about community
 Page 224
college or extension courses, teach yourself to use a computer,
find out where to sell garden products, handcrafts, baked goods,
or other things you know how to make. Your public library can
help you get this information, as can women's self-sufficiency
programs, the YWCA, local schools, and state job training and
employment programs. Find out what is out there.
10. Be aware that leaving is going to be hard, stressful, and
emotionally draining. Take care of your health. If you start to
have doubts or fears about getting out of the relationship, keep
yourself focused on why you have to go. Remember the worst of
the violence. Remind yourself that women die by the thousands
every year at the hands of men who claim to love them. Look at
the statistics at the beginning of this book again.
11. Get important documents together, such as your driver's
license, birth certificates for you and your children, insurance
papers, passports, social security cards, wedding and baptism
records, school records, investment records, documents from any
public assistance program, leases, titles to your car and other
property, savings account books, checkbooks, credit cards,
paycheck stubs, tax returns, and medical records. If you think
moving or removing these things will cause suspicion, make
photocopies. Copy machines are available at public libraries, post
offices, and copy shops.
12. Gather up the possessions that have special sentimental value,
such as family photos, heirlooms, children's drawings, jewelry.
Vengeful partners often destroy a woman's property when she
leaves. Also consider petsabusers often turn on them.
13. Don't tell anyone where you plan to go unless you trust them
completely. Remember, abusers often become the most
dangerous when women try to leave. Try not to leave any
evidence of the changes and preparations you're making where
he could find them. Have plausible excuses ready in case he does
find cash you've hidden, for example. Say you were saving for a
present for him, a special dinner out for the two of you,
something for your child.
14. Become familiar with your monthly expenses. List what you
spend for groceries, rent, medical care, child care, transportation
to and
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from work, insurance, and any other fixed expenses. You may
need this information to complete forms for restraining orders,
social assistance programs, or other purposes. It's also a good
way to assess how much you will need to earn on your own.
15. Go ahead and do things on your own. Get a new job, make
friends, hire a sitter, and go out now and then. Some partners
won't notice the newfound behavior or will grudgingly put up
with it. Some partners bully only those who are afraid of them. It
may be best to make these changes during a ''honeymoon phase."
Do consider the risk involved, and proceed with caution.
16. Start changing your life secretly, a little at a time. Save money
out of the grocery fund, garage sale proceeds, or any separate
funds you may have. Even a small amount can make a big
difference. Try to keep enough money with you all the time to
pay for a cab to a safe place and, if you don't have a trustworthy
friend nearby, enough to pay for one or more nights in a motel.
Keep small change in your purse or pocket at all times for pay
phones. Get a credit card in your own name, and have statements
sent to your workplace or the home of a trusted friend.
17. Don't tell the abuser you're going to a daytime class or
support group, but go. Join a battered woman's groupyou don't
have to be out of the relationship first. Get out and meet new
people. Rekindle old friendships.
18. Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of leaving
and staying.
19. Learn the signs of coming violence. Work on sharpening your
observation skillsDoes he drink more, find petty things to
complain about, want to go out everynight, sit morosely in front
of the TV more than usual? Notice changes in your partner before
he goes into a violent rage. . .his tone of voice, what he says, his
habits, his behavior toward you and the children. Know and be
as certain as you can whether these changes take place weeks or
merely hours or minutes before the violence.
20. Write down these clues in his behavior. You will have a sense
of the pattern and you will feel more self-confident of what you
observe.
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21. When you see the signs coming, or preferably before, get out.
Go to a trusted friend's or relative's housea place where there is
plenty of room for you with people who care about you. Be
careful not to go back too soonhe may be hanging on to the rage
until you return. Stay until you can be sure the rage is spent. Use
a third party to speak to your partner periodically so you can
avoid being talked into returning too soon, and you'll get more
reliable information.
22. Know which motel you might go to and how to get there.
Travel from your house to it several times for practice so, in a
time of high stress, you will be familiar with the route and the
location. You may want to scout out parking that will be out of
sight. It's also a good idea to consider several alternatives in case
one motel is full.
23. Develop the habit of backing your car in the driveway. Leave
the driver's door unlocked, but be sure to lock the other doors.
Make sure your abuser doesn't block you inin that case park on
the street and make up an excuse.
24. Work out a signal system with a neighbor (preferably one
who is home a lot) in case you need help, for example, a
designated window shade in the down position means for him or
her to call the police. Make sure the neighbor knows the signal
and what to do. Some women also develop a code word to tell
children, neighbors, and friends that they need to call the police
and help you get out.
25. Remove from the wall or countertop any knife rack with
knives in it. Get rid of the rack or put the knives in a hard-to-
reach place, or give them to someone else for safekeeping. Also,
put scissors, letter openers, and other sharp objects in hard-to-
reach places.
26. Make a plan so you know what you can do if the phone wires
are cut or if you find yourself without electricity. Keep flashlights
handy and batteries fresh. Know where the closest pay phone is
located and how to get there by either walking or driving. Locate
the closest all-night store and other places you could go where
there are people.
27. If there are guns in the house have someone teach you how to
safely unload them. Keep ammunition in a separate place, or if
you anticipate coming violence get rid of it. Lock it in a file
drawer or put it in some out-of-the-way place. Unload any and all
firearms.
28. Try not to wear scarves, long necklaces, loose clothing, or
jewelry.
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Clothes can be grabbed and anything around your neck can be
used to strangle you.
29. Keep a good supply of gas in the car and try to have it in
working order at all times. Learn to drive if you do not know
how.
30. Rehearse your departure. Be sure not to tell the abuser you
are leavingto protect yourself. He will probably become more
enraged and try to stop you if you do. Anticipate the violence
early enough so you can slip away while he is at work, or if he
does not leave the home to work, say you have to go out for a
common reason, like you need to get milk, groceries, diapers, or
a prescription. Offer to pick something up at the store for him.
You might want to tell him you promised a neighbor you'd bring
her a recipe, a book, or a scarf she asked to borrow. Have several
plausible reasons for leaving at different times of the day or
night.
31. If the rage builds up at night, plan to have a reason to go
outside. Start to do the laundry, walk the dog, or throw out the
garbage late at night. Keep things in the garage or your car that
you might need inside, extra garbage bags or light bulbs, for
instance. Keep coats, hats, and gloves close to each door.
32. Keep those extra keys and telephone numbers, as well as
some extra cash, in your wallet purse at all times. Always know
where it is and keep it within grabbing distance so you can get it
on your way out.
33. Once outside the door, just keep going. Get into the car and
drive away as quickly and quietly as possible. If you don't have a
car, get on a bicycle, go on foot, whatever it takes.
34. Plan to take your children. They are probably terrified by the
current or coming violence. They may be less frightened at
getting up and being rushed away from a threatening person than
finding out in the morning that you have disappeared without
saying goodbye. Even if the abuser has never battered the
children, you can't be sure he won't start now, especially when he
discovers you have left the house.
35. Plan how you will make your escape with your children. It is
more complicated than making it alone, but good preparation can
make things easier. Talk with them periodically about the
importance of safety. Teach older children to call a relative, a
friend, or the police
 Page 228
when they hear or see violence. Teach them to go next door to a
neighbor's house, business, or some place close to call the police.
36. If you have a baby, tell your partner you hear him or her
crying. Take the baby out of the crib and go out a back door or
window before your partner realizes what is happening. Keep
extra blankets close to all doors.
37. If the events happen so fast that you have to leave without the
children, arrange to go back for them as soon as possible. Either
pick them up at school or return to the house with a police
officer.
38. Ensure the children's physical safety. Let them know you
have not abandoned them. You are also protecting your right to
custody by getting them as soon as you can.
In addition to taking active steps toward ending an abusive
relationship, a woman in this difficult situation needs to look
within herself to begin rebuilding her sense of value as a human
being, her self-image, her self-worth. Ginny NiCarthy's
handbook Getting Free includes a series of simple exercises for
women who are on this path, as well as practical ideas and
advice.
Dr. Susan Forward's book, Men Who Hate Women and the
Women Who Love Them, also contains helpful suggestions and
sound advice. Among other things, Forward recommends
adopting what she calls a "personal bill of rights," which
includes:
1. The right to be treated with respect
2. The right not to take responsibility for anyone else's problems
or bad behavior
3. The right to get angry
4. The right to say no
5. The right to make mistakes
6. The right to your own feelings, opinions, and convictions
7. The right to change your mind or decide on a different course
of action
8. The right to negotiate for change
9. The right to ask for emotional support or help
10. The right to protest unfair treatment or criticism
 Page 229
One of the most basic rights of every human being lies at the
heart of the domestic violence problem. As stated by Ann Jones,
author of many books and articles on battering, ''All women, like
all men, have a right to live free from bodily harm."
"It does not get any better, they don't changeask one of us. Living
in fear is not living," says abuse survivor Jane Fraher.
Safety
As mentioned before, a woman is often in the greatest danger
when she leaves a violent relationship. Many women are stalked,
attacked, even killed by former intimate partners. The following
safety and security recommendations can help protect you when
you feel you may be at risk from someone you have left. Some
are merely precautionary measures, while others can be effective
if you know you are being stalkedand by whom.
Safety Plans
Safety plans have gained a great deal of attention in recent years.
A simple, concrete planwith telephone numbers, step-by-step
instructions, and alternatives listed in one placecan be a life-
saving tool to a victim who may not be able to locate or
remember vital information in the midst of a crisis. Advocate,
prosecutor and former battered woman Sara Buel often stresses
the importance of a safety plan, which she describes as an action
plan detailing how to stay alive, as the victim's top priority.
There are many, many forms and lists for drafting safety plans,
available to those who need them. Your local shelter, police
department, or domestic violence coalition may have a checklist
you can use to formulate your plan. It's Not Okay Anymore, by
Greg Enns and Jan Black, a book widely available at public
libraries, includes detailed instructions on building a safety plan
to suit your needs. Consider the tips listed throughout this
chapter as you formulate your safety plan.
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Residence Security
1. Be alert to any suspicious persons. Don't ignore "funny
feelings." If a noise or just the atmosphere makes the hair on the
back of your neck prickle, be especially cautious. Trust your
intuition.
2. Ask anyone who knocks at the door to identify him- or herself
before you open the door. Always ask service people, delivery
workers, sales-people, charity collectors, even police for
identification. Install wide-angle viewers on main entries.
3. Install a porch light at a height that makes it hard to reach. Put
in other outside lighting as well. Trim and illuminate shrubbery.
4. Make sure you have dead bolts on all outside doors. If you
cannot account for all the keys, get the locks changed. Have only
the spare keys you absolutely need, and keep them secure. Make
sure windows have sturdy locks. Put a dowel rod in all sliding
glass doors and windows. Install locks on outside gates. Keep
doors and windows in other rooms locked even when you are at
home.
5. Keep the garage door locked at all times. If possible, get an
electric door lock and opener. Always park in a secured garage if
available.
6. Keep your fuse box locked. Keep flashlights and battery
lanterns handy in the house and garage, with spare batteries
nearby.
7. Consider installing a loud outside alarm bell that can be
activated in several places inside the house.
8. Get an unlisted telephone number. Make sure your employer
and all receptionists know it's unlisted and that your telephone
number and address are not to be given to anyone. Get a caller
identification box and an answering machine. With these tools,
you never need to pick up the phone without knowing the caller's
identity.
9. Make sure all members of your household trade information
about suspicious calls or activity. If odd calls or activity
continues, notify a local law enforcement agency. Ask about
"panic buttons" or other special protections they may have.
10. Keep in touch with neighbors, ask them to call you if they
notice suspicious vehicles or people, especially when you aren't
home. Form and/or join a neighborhood watch group. Your local
police department can help you set up such a group and provide
training and support.
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11. If there are firearms in the house, all adults should know how
to use them. Store ammunition in a separate but nearby location.
Be sure any guns or other weapons are stored out of the reach of
children and preferably locked.
12. Report any direct threat against a member of your household
to a law enforcement agency. Never dismiss a threat as just talk.
Listen carefully, record it if possible, or write it down so you
recall exactly what was said. If anyone else witnessed the threat,
tell the police. Police officers say they would rather answer one
hundred calls that turn out to be nothing than one that involves a
homicide.
13. Thoroughly check out anyone employed to work in your
home before you hire the person. Make sure he or she
understands all security rules. Have a strict policy that the
employee does not discuss family business or schedules with
anyone.
14. If anything suspicious shows up, such as a box or package
that you did not order or expect, do not move it. Call the police.
15. Keep fire extinguishers and smoke detectors handy in all
main areas and keep them in good working order.
16. Tape emergency numbers to all telephones.
17. Get an automatic timer for your lights. Use it when you are
going out for the evening, not just for extended absences.
18. Make a safe evacuation plan, make sure all household
members know about it, and practice it occasionally.
19. Get a dog. A family dog is one of the least expensive and
most effective alarm systems. Some breeds are considered better
watchdogs, but any dog will bark at an intruder.
20. Know the whereabouts of family members at all times.
Children should be accompanied to school or bus stops. Be sure
children are taught basic safety rules, such as never to take rides
or gifts from strangers.
21. Vary regular routes for driving and walking from time to
time.
22. Keep trusted friends and neighbors informed about what's
going on. Give them a photo or description of the suspected
stalker and his vehicle. Be sure to tell them if you are going away
on any trips. Have neighbors pick up mail and newspapers or
have delivery suspended while you're gone.
23. If you live in an apartment or condominium with an on-site
manager,
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door attendant, or valet, give him or her a picture or description
of the suspect.
24. If you are moving into a new apartment or condominium,
check security features carefully and inquire about past problems.
An upper floor apartment is considered safer. Insist that all
windows and doors have sturdy locks.
Public housing authorities sometimes move people with orders of
protection to another apartment or change their locks free of
charge. For example, the Victim Service Agency in New York
City employs four locksmiths who change some three hundred
locks per month for crime victims, one-third of whom are
battered women. New York also has a progressive human rights
law that forbids landlords from discriminating against a battered
woman or requiring her to divorce her abuser.
Work Security
1. If there is a receptionist, or you have a secretary, he or she
should screen all calls, visitors, mail, and packages. Do not
accept packages you didn't order or do not recognize.
2. Keep staff or security alerted to all suspicious people and
packages that turn up somewhere they don't belong.
3. Pay attention to keys, locks, and security codes. All should be
changed from time to time, especially after employee turnover.
4. Park in a secured area if possible. If you have to park in a lot,
be sure there is adequate lighting. Leave the building with others
if possible. If your name is on a reserved space, have it removed.
Be alert to anyone watching or following you on foot or by car.
5. If there is a security director or guard on site, be sure he or she
is aware of your situation and has information about the suspect.
Personal Security
1. Remove your home address from personal checks and
business cards. Use your work address or get a private mailbox
service (not a U.S.
 Page 233
Postal Service box) if necessary. Have all personal mail sent
there. Make this your official address. Destroy all your discarded
mail. File a change of address card with the post office listing this
as your new address. Send cards with the new address to friends,
creditors, and business associates, and request they remove the
old address from their personal address books, files, and
directories. Be careful who knows where you live.
2. Request that credit reporting agencies remove past addresses
from your credit history. File a change of address with the
Department of Motor Vehicles and get a driver's license with your
new address. Do this for other identification or membership
cards as well.
3. You can place your real estate in the name of a trust, and put
your utilities and tax identification in the name of the trust.
Lawyers who deal in real property matters can take care of this
simple procedure for a low fee.
4. File for confidential voter status or register with a private
mailing address.
5. Telephone services, such as call forwarding, caller ID, and
answering services are now relatively inexpensive. Call your
local service providers to find the right service for you.
6. Place residential rental agreements in another person's name.
This person's name should not appear on service or delivery
orders to the residence. You can use a business or other name for
such purposes.
7. Notify your local law enforcement precincts about your
situation. Ask for periodic police drive-bys. Some departments
provide a free home security checkup.
8. Document and report any instances of harassment. Note the
date and time of any telephone calls. Get statements from any
witnesses. Keep mail correspondence or any notes delivered to
you. If the stalker shows up, take pictures, use a video camera,
and call the police every time.
9. There are support groups in some areaslook into this option.
Discuss your fears and exchange ideas with people you trust.
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Vehicle Security
1. Park in well-lit or secured areas. Avoid lots where doors must
be left unlocked or keys surrendered; if necessary, just give the
attendant or valet the ignition key. Do not allow items to be
placed in or removed from the trunk except in your presence.
2. When you are parking in your residence garage, turn the light
on, and lock the car and the garage doors.
3. Install a locking gas cap. The hook-locking device should be
controlled from inside the vehicle.
4. Always check the back and front passenger areas before
getting into your car.
5. Find a reliable service station and mechanic for service,
maintenance, and repairs.
6. Keep your doors locked while you're driving.
7. Be alert for vehicles that appear to be following you. If you
believe you are being followed, drive to the nearest police or fire
station. Sound the horn to attract attention. If a police station isn't
easily accessible, drive to a heavily populated area such as a mall.
Plan ahead and know where these places are located.
8. Vary your schedule and routes.
9. Do not stop to assist stranded motorists. Drive to the nearest
safe telephone and call someone to help.
10. Get a car phone. Many cellular phones can also be carried in a
purse when you're out of the car. Service packages are available
that can keep the monthly maintenance cost fairly low if the
phone is not used often.
11. Shop at stores and shopping centers with security personnel.
Ask them to escort or watch you as you go to your car. Many
libraries, health clubs, and other businesses provide escorts. Find
out and use their services. If your stalker tries to approach you in
public, scream and run to the nearest populated area.
What Can a Friend or Family Member Do?
Often those people who care about a woman in an abusive
relationship want desperately to help her, yet feel at a loss as to
just what to do. Many
 Page 235
times the victim seems reluctant to accept help, and this can be
extremely frustrating. Yet there are ways to make it easier for her
to make the final decision, which can only be hers, to do
something to change her life.
Above all, if she says she is being abused, believe her! Much of
what she tells you may be hard to believe if you've never been in
an abusive situation yourself. But women very, very rarely make
these stories up. Realize that by her telling someone, she has
made a tremendous step in the direction of freedom.
Offer her help whenever she needs it, day or night. Stash a bag
of clothing and other emergency supplies for her. Open your
home to her and her children if they need temporary shelter when
fleeing violence or when their time limit at a community shelter
has run out. Help her find a better job, a place to live. Give her
books, pamphlets, hotline numbers, and other information on
domestic violence. Provide her with a safe place to keep these
things, such as at your home, the library, school, work, a church,
or a counselor's office. Emphasize that it is not her fault, and that
she has a right to a safe and peaceful life.
One action that does not help a battered woman is to push her or
badger her to leave before she is ready. Remember, the point of
departure is often the most dangerous for her and for her
children. If she hides injuries or denies abuse, don't challenge
her. Offer a friendly ear and an open door, but don't try to force
her to talk about it or drag her out of the relationship, or you may
drive her away. Respect her decisions and her sense of timing.
Yet, keep in touch, even if she doesn't seem to want to maintain
the friendship. Keep your presence gentle, yet visible. Avoid
calling or stopping by when the abuser is likely to be there, but
find a way to contact her on a regular basis, just to say hello and
remind her you're there. You may be her only lifeline to the
outside world.
It is essential not to be judgmental of a woman who is not ready
to leave. Sometimes well-meaning friends or counselors berate a
woman for staying, which only damages her self-esteem further
and makes it more difficult for her to make the break. A ''tough
love" approach may be effective in some instances, but only
within the context of building, rather than putting down, a
woman's self-image. Tell her she IS strong enough to make it on
her own and that you don't want to get a telephone
 Page 236
call that tells you she has been murdered. It is her responsibility
to make the decision.
Let her know that she does not have to put up with mistreatment,
that you value her, that you are afraid for her safety, and how you
are ready to help her. Research what is available in the
communitydo her homework for her. Call the shelter, hotline,
and state or local domestic violence coalition. Learn about police
and prosecutor policies on arrest and prosecution. Find out what
programs for victims and abusers are available locally, or if none
are, where the closest services are offered.
Realize that she is confused. As Ann Jones expresses, having a
person beat you up and then say he loves you may be the single
most confusing situation in the world. Sometimes your support
will make a tremendous difference, though you may never know
about it. Jones, who has interviewed hundreds of battered
women, has heard many express gratitude toward such friends
who made a difference, even though the woman did not feel
ready to act on the help offered at the time.
Battered women need support and the reassurance that there is
nothing wrong with them. Tell her she did not bring on the
abuse, she did nothing to deserve it. No one does. Make her
aware that she does have options. Remind her of her talents,
successes, skills, and abilities. Keep letting her know what
specific help you will providea ride, a place to stay, money.
Remember that she may have been truly brainwashed. Don't
expect a sudden change, though you shouldn't be surprised if she
does change abruptly. If you have offered assistance, be prepared
to drop everything and follow through no matter when her call
for help may come.
It's also essential to remember that a woman suffering from the
battered woman syndrome may say things or exhibit behavior
that seems crazy or senseless. These actions are survival
techniques that have their own logic and purpose in the context
of a life filled with violence and terror. Try not to judge and,
remember, once she is free, the bizarre behavior stops and her
old self usually returns.
Also be aware that for some battered women, the most difficult
step is not leaving but staying away. Offer her whatever support
you can to help her remain free from her abuser. Simple
friendship can make all the difference. For one woman, the
crucial factor was the kindness of a gentle man who befriended
her while she and her children were staying at a
 Page 237
shelter, wondering whether to return home. He told the woman
she was worthwhile, pretty, a good personexactly the opposite of
the things she had been hearing for years from her abuser.
What Helps Abusive Men Change?
Men's groups seek to prevent the recurrence of violence in the
relationships of the the men who have come to the group as
batterers, and many also work to stop new violence before it
starts through education and changing community attitudes.
This can be difficult work in a society in which many men are
taught over and over that violence is an acceptable, manly
response to anger. Most children receive little or no training in
how to have successful relationships or deal with anger in
healthy ways. Boys are taught they must "act like a man," which
means being tough, dominating, and in control. They are
expected to fight to solve problems. Many men's groups discuss
these roles and expectations, and the effect they have on men.
The group setting allows the participants to see that they are not
alone, that other men have suffered from similar fear, confusion,
and lack of comfort in intimate relationships. While the men are
always required to take responsibility for their actions, they are
also recognized as human beings who have the potential to
change if they are committed to doing so. They are helped to heal
and learn how to have healthy relationships based on equality
and respect. Some of the leading men's programs in the country
are listed in the appendix.
Men who admit that they are responsible for abusing their
partners, who realize that they did something wrong and want to
change, have the best chance of successfully turning their lives
around. Most batterer's programs are open to any man who wants
to enroll. Most are either free or charge on a sliding fee scale,
according to income. Private therapy is also available in most
communities, and free or low-cost counseling is offered by many
churches, community mental health organizations, and other
sources. State domestic violence coalitions and local
organizations can provide referrals.
The earlier a man gets treatment, the better chance he has of
changing his behavior. Sometimes an older brother, trusted
friend, or other
 Page 238
male the abuser looks up to can convince him he has a problem.
If someone you know or care about is abusive to his wife, try to
talk to him and urge him to get help, or discuss the problem with
someone else you think might be able to get through to him.
Domestic violence is not a "natural" behavior. It is a learned
behavior that takes years of trainingmost often years spent in a
violent home where the father controls other family members
through intimidation and abuse. Not surprisingly, it takes time to
unlearn such ingrained behavior and to replace it with positive
relationship skills. According to EMERGE, a leading Boston-
based men's program, successdefined as the total elimination of
violenceis most likely for those men who complete at least an
eight-month counseling program.
Batterer programs are expanding and improving as more is
learned about why the batterer behaves as he does and what
works to change this behavior. Many programs today cover
subjects such as developing better communication and coping
skills to prevent the cycle of violence from starting up again,
building self-esteem, stress management, setting boundaries,
anger management, and parenting skills.
San Diego County has one of the most effective batterer
treatment programs. There, prosecutors enforce a mandatory
treatment program, which requires at least six months of
treatment (up to two years) taught by certified, trained
counselors. Over the two years that followed the activation of
this program, the female homicide rate was cut in half.
Men who aren't willing to seek help on their own must suffer the
consequences. If they get treatment, it is often by court order.
Abusers are manipulative by nature, and quickly learn whether or
not they can get by with their behavior without suffering any real
punishment. The most successful programs combine at least a
taste of jail, some individual therapy, and group counseling that
covers education about the abusive relationship, behavior
modification training, anger management, and separate treatment
for substance abuse, if necessary. Above all, the abuser must be
held responsible and admit that the abuse is his fault, not his
partner's, if he is to make any meaningful changes. Sometimes,
helping to see that an abuser is arrested can be the kindest act you
can do for him, as well as for his victims.
 Page 239

What Can Citizens and Communities Do?

One of the most unique features of the movement to end
domestic violence is that it came about almost entirely due to the
efforts of the victims themselves. Beginning in the early 1970s,
women who had lived with the tragedy of abuse, and others who
cared about their efforts, decided to do something about the
problem. They were fed up with the lack of response from the
criminal justice system, the scarcity or nonexistence of social
services, and the prevailing social attitudes that ranged from
apathetic to accepting violence in the home. So they began to
organize shelters, support groups, and safe houses; pressure
legislature and law enforcement for changes in law and policy;
and spread the word that domestic violence is a serious social
problem, not a ''private family matter."
The changes made by these dedicated individuals have been
phenomenal. Many of the programs started at the grassroots level
now receive support from government agencies. Yet the plauge
of domestic violence continues, especially in areas where few or
no programs have been established at the local level to attack the
problem. Community involvement and support is crucial.
Virtually all shelters, community associations, hotlines, advocacy
programs, and counseling groups depend on volunteers.
Volunteers need not have any special skills or education. You
may be surprised at the variety of talents and services shelters
and community groups are in need of. For example, the Women's
Community Association in Albuquerque, New Mexico, puts out a
brochure listing some of the most common volunteer jobs: crisis
phone workers, intake and case-worker assistants, child care
workers, children's activities coordinators, field trip chaperones,
receptionists and clerical workers, gardeners, maintenance
personnel, painters, plumbers, drivers, public speakers, computer
operators, and electricians. Donations of money, household
goods, food, and housekeeping supplies are also needed.
Everyone willing to volunteer can provide something a local
program needs.
Those who work with victims need to remember to keep sight of
her perspective. For example, many are in desperate need of
simple, practical matters that are essential if they are to take the
initiative to change their lives. Instructions on how to replace lost
or destroyed identification, where to park to go to the
courthouse, and the availability of child
 Page 240
care during counseling sessions can make all the difference for a
person so close to despair that she may give up if she cannot
cope with the details incidental to getting the help she needs. As
one police officer stated, "An uninformed victim is at greater risk
for further crime."
Don't be afraid to "get involved." If you hear your neighbors
screaming and furniture breaking, call the police. True, you may
be wrong, but respect for your neighbors' privacy is not as
important as their lives, which could very well be at stake.
Over and over, victims tell chilling stories of being stalked in
public and begging for help from strangers who did nothingoften
because the abuser offered a pat explanation or told them they
didn't need to get involved. The obvious moral of this story is
that anyone witnessing violence or hearing a plea to call the
police should do soimmediately! I have heard police officers
state that they would much rather respond to one hundred false
alarms than to one homicide.
People can make a difference in other ways, as well. Lobbying
and political advocacy are always needed at the local, state, and
national levels. Big Brother/Big Sister and similar programs can
provide nonviolent role models for children from abusive
homes. Opportunities abound both to support existing programs
and start new ones.
The same kind of grassroots efforts that began the first wave of
awareness about domestic violence are still vitally important.
Fortunately, it's much easier to get involved today due to the
efforts of those who not only pioneered the movement, but took
steps to see that it would keep its momentum. Individuals and
groups working to fight domestic violence have an enormous
amount of information available, and numerous sources of
assistance, including the national and state coalitions. The names,
addresses, and telephone numbers of these organizations are
listed in the appendix.
These groups vary with regard to the materials they make
available and the services they provide, but all can supply basic
information and referrals to other groups that handle specialized
needs. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
provides a free information package and membership for a low
annual fee, which includes a newsletter.
Mike Jackson and David Garvin of the Domestic Violence
Institute of Michigan developed a "Community Accountability
Wheel" to illustrate
 Page 241
the appropriate community response to domestic violence. The
gist of the wheel is to demonstrate that community opinion must
strongly state that battering is unacceptable, thereby leading all
off our social institutions to hold the batterer accountable by
applying appropriate consequences. The wheel calls for
consistent, coordinated efforts toward education, outreach, and
sanctions against batterers from the media, social service
providers, government, employers, the justice system, men,
clergy, and the education system. Additional information is
available from The Domestic Violence Institute of Michigan, P.O.
Box 130107, Ann Arbor, MI 48113-0107, (313) 769-6334.
Find out what goes on in your community. Work with others or
on your own to support those people who are helping to bring
public pressure onto those who are still stuck in the Dark Ages. If
you or someone you know has been treated unfairly, the local
police refuse to make an arrest, the prosecutor won't follow
through, or judges refuse to enforce the law, go to the local news
media.
Call (800) 777-1960 to get a community action kit that includes
information on how to help someone who is being abused, and
what you can do to help reduce and prevent domestic violence in
your community. Check the blue government pages, white pages,
and yellow pages of your telephone directory for hotlines,
shelters, and victim services. This information is often posted on
community, hospital, government office, YWCA, Salvation
Army, and clinic bulletin boards. A call to these agencies can be a
way to learn about services available in your community. You
can share this information with others who need it, and find out
what goods and services are lacking in your communityperhaps
things you can help locate or provide.
Working directly with victims through local programs does not
usually require any extensive training. Many programs require
several nights plus one weekend, or something similar. And
involvement from men, as well as women, is essential. While
men may not be directly involved in working with victims, due to
the victims' recent trauma with male violence, there is ample
room and a great need for male volunteers in virtually every
other area of the campaign against domestic violence. "We need
to engage the help of the good menthe vast majorityto help make
the world safer," says civil rights attorney Randi McGuinn.
 Page 242
Students can sometimes earn class credit hours through such
work.
The Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project has a national
training program that provides seminars and training materials
for shelter advocates, police officers, prosecutors, probation
officers, judges, counselors, group facilitators, human service
providers, and Native American service providers. Duluth,
Minnesota, has been widely recognized as a leader in confronting
the problem of domestic assault in a coordinated effort by the
police, courts, and service providers in both the public and
private sector.
The national training program holds week-long training institutes
several times a year for representatives from communities
interested in developing a coordinated response to domestic
assault cases. The institutes include seminars, observation of the
programs in action, and training. The program also offers on-site
training in the community. Consultation is also available for both
new and established programs.
Specialized, shorter seminars are offered in Duluth for people
already working with, or interested in learning how to work with,
women's or men's groups. These programs may also include a
session on cultural issues for communities with large populations
of African Americans, Lations, and Native Americans. Short
seminars are also given for law enforcement officers,
administrators, and trainers, and prosecutors, lawyers, and legal
advocates. A special seminar is also available for people working
to end violence in the Native American community, conducted by
the Intertribal Council to End Violence in Families.
The project also maintains a speaker's bureau so programs and
associations wishing to set up conferences in their communities
may be provided with speakers associated with the project, who
offer training and expertise on a broad range of issues. A broad
variety of materials are available from the project, including
videos, manuals, books, articles, and educational curriculums.
Included are manuals for those wishing to organize various types
of community support groups. A free brochure detailing the
project and its many offerings is available on request. See the
appendix for the project's address and telephone number.
Lawyers can help the effort to end domestic violence in several
ways. When important cases on domestic violence come before
the higher courts, with the potential to "set precedent" (create a
legally binding
 Page 243
decision that lower courts will be required, or may choose, to
follow), lawyers can write amicus curiae or "friend of the court"
briefs. These briefs argue that the court should decide in a certain
way based on both the law and public policy. Psychologists,
sociologists, and other professionals often work with the
attorneys preparing such briefs so that statistics and scientific
findings may be added to the other facts the court will consider.
Lawyers, paralegals, and others in the legal profession are also
needed as volunteers to perform pro bono (free) legal services.
There are opportunities for lawyers to work directly with clients
through programs that provide legal aid to low-income persons.
Some of the leading coordinated programs described in chapter 7
use volunteer attorneys to help both victims and those charged
with abuse make use of the legal system. Other communities
have programs offering free advice, such as the New Mexico
State Bar Association's statewide, tool-free domestic violence
legal hotline. This service allows victims to receive free,
anonymous advice on legal issues associated with domestic
violence, such as protection orders, divorce, alimony, child
support and custody, criminal procedures, even bankruptcy.
Volunteers are given training and a manual that contains
information on social services such as shelters, support groups,
emergency rooms, and counseling. Volunteer lawyers receive
credit toward required continuing legal education, and are asked
only to take at least one four-hour shift a montha good way for
those who don't have time to help out on an entire case. And this
type of projectfunded by local, state, and national attorney's
organizationsis relatively inexpensive to establish and administer.
Similar efforts have been made by other professionals, including
psychologists and physicians. There is both ample room and dire
need for anyone who wants to help make a difference.
Starting Over
In the words of Dr. Lenore Walker, "Better behavior exists
between people." Even if an alarmingly high percentage of
people inflict or encounter abuse at some point in their lives, the
vast majority never do, or escape before becoming trapped. Most
men are kind and fully capable of loving,
 Page 244
caring for, and respecting women. Even if 15 million American
men are abusive, that leaves about 110 million who are not. Most
men want to share a loving and harmonious relationship with an
equal partner.
Dr. Walker has found that, contrary to what many women fear,
once a battered woman gets free of the abusive relationship, she
is unlikely to become involved in another relationship with an
abuser. Women do not become addicted to violent relationships.
Once they are free, most can lead satisfying lives and form good
relationships with gentle, nonviolent men. Ginny NiCarthy's
book, Getting Free: A Handbook for Women in Abusive
Relationships, includes a very good section on rebuilding a new
life after escaping an abusive relationship.

There is Hope
Domestic violence is a worldwide tragedy of staggering
proportions. Countless families have been, and continue to be,
devastated by its ravages. Yet there is a great deal of reason to be
hopeful. People everywhere are standing up to say, "Battering is
not right, it is not acceptable, and it is not a private family
matter." Legislators, judges, police, and prosecutors are giving an
official voice to society's disapproval. Social workers, teachers,
medical professionals, and mental health experts are speaking out
against the horrible damage caused by family abuse. The same
grassroots organizers who first brought to light the widespread
devastation wrought by such violence, many survivors of
violence themselves, continue their dedicated work to protect
victims, punish and/or treat abusers, and prevent the destruction
of more families and individuals.
Perhaps the most heartening fact is that all of these people, along
with others who care, are coming together to combine their
talents and coordinate their efforts to try and end domestic
violenceand progress is being made. Not fast enough, as the
frustrating statistics show, but change is happening. Not only
change in available services to victims, in law enforcement, and
in alternatives for people caught in the cycle of violence, but
change in public attitudes. Finally, fewer people are asking, "Why
doesn't she just leave?" and instead more want to know, "How do
we stop this?" I believe that we are discovering small answers,
and that if we keep asking this question, the final answer will
someday come.
 Page 245

Resources and Suggested Readings

Ackerman, Robert J., and Susan E. Pickering. Abused No More:
Recovery for Women from Abusive or Co-Dependent
Relationships. Blue Ridge Summit, PA: Human Services
Institute/TAB Books, 1989.
Allen, Robert L., and Paul Kivel. ''Men Helping Men." Ms., Vol.
V, No. 2 (September/October 1994): 50-53.
American Medical Association Council on Scientific Affairs.
"Adolescents as Victims of Family Violence. JAMA, Vol. 270, No.
15 (October 20, 1993): 1850-1855.
Ammerman, Robert T., and Michel Hersen. Assessment of Family
Violence: A Clinical and Legal Sourcebook. New York: John
Wiley and Sons, 1992.
Andrews, James DeWitt, and Thomas M. Cooley, eds. William
Blackstone, Commentaries on the Laws of England. Chicago:
Callahan, 1981.
Aris, Brenda. "Battered Women Who Kill: The Law Still Denies
Us a Fair Hearing." Glamour (April 1994): 160.
Barnett, Ola W., and Alyce D. LaViolette. It Could Happen to
Anyone: Why Battered Women Stay. Newbury Park, CA: Sage
Publications, 1993.
Becker-Greenfield, Judi. "Reflections from the Rural Task
Force." In Our Vision: Newsletter of Virginians Against Domestic
Violence. Fall 1993.
 Page 246
Benedict, Helen. Recovery: How to Survive Sexual Assault for
Women, Men, Teenagers, Their Friends and Families. Garden
City, NY: Doubleday, 1985.
Bernfield, Lynne. When You Can You Will: Why You Can't
Always Do What You Want to Do and What to Do About It. Los
Angeles: Lowell House, 1992.
Biden, Joseph J. "Violence Against Women: The Congressional
Response." American Psychologist 48 (1993): 1059-1061.
Blinder, Martin. Lovers, Killers, Husbands and Wives. New
York: St. Martin's Press, 1985.
Boulder County Safehouse. Guidebook for Parents, bk. 1, We
Can't Play at My House: Children and Domestic Violence.
(Boulder, CO: 1989).
Boulder County Safehouse. Handbook for Teachers, bk. 2, We
Can't Play at My House: Children and Domestic Violence.
(Boulder, CO: 1990).
Boulder County Safehouse. Handbook for Health Care Providers,
bk. 3, We Can't Play at My House: Children and Domestic
Violence. (Boulder, CO: 1993).
Bowker, Lee H. Ending the Violence: A Guidebook Based on the
Experience of 1,000 Battered Wives. Holmes Beach, FL: Learning
Publications, Inc., 1986.
Bray, Rosemary L. "Remember the Children." Ms., Vol. V, No. 2
(September/October 1994): 38-41.
Brinegar, Jerry. Breaking Free. Minneapolis: CompCare
Publishing, 1992.
Brookoff, Daniel; Kimberly K. O'Brien; Charles S. Cook; Terry
Thompson; and Charles Williams. "Characteristics of Participants
in Domestic Violence." JAMA, Vol. 277, No. 17 (May 7, 1997):
1369.
Browne, Angela. When Battered Women Kill. New York: Collier
MacMillan, 1987.
Capellaro, Catherine. "Help for Battered Immigrant Women." The
Progressive, 1997.
Cassell, Carol. Tender Bargaining: Negotiating an Equal
Partnership with the Man You Love. Los Angeles: Lowell House,
1993.
CBS News, "Sunday Morning." No. 796, Livingston, New Jersey:
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 Page 247
Clark, Marcia, with Teresa Carpenter. Without a Doubt. New
York: Penguin Viking, 1997.
Colburn, Don. "Study Ties Domestic Violence to Teen
Depression." The Washington Post 1993
Continuing Legal Education of New Mexico, Inc. Women: An
Endangered Species? Albuquerque, New Mexico: Women's Bar
Association/CLE of New Mexico, Inc., 1994.
Conway, Janelle. "Airing Dirty Laundry." Albuquerque Journal
(June 10, 1994): C-1.
Conway, Janelle. "Wounded Women Seeking Justice."
Albuquerque Journal: Sage Magazine, (September 1994): 10-12.
Davidson, Terry. Conjugal Crime. New York: Hawthorne Books,
1978.
Davis, Diane. Something Is Wrong at My House: A Book About
Parents' Fighting. Seattle, WA: Parenting Press, 1984.
deBecker, Gavin. "Security Recommendations." Albuquerque,
New Mexico: Gavin deBecker, Inc./CLE of New Mexico, Inc.,
1992.
D.G. "What's Love Got to Do with It?" Ms., Vol. V, No. 2
(September/October 1994): 34-37.
Del Tufo, Angela. Domestic Violence for Beginners. New York:
Writers and Readers Publishing, 1995.
Digirolami, Karla M. "Myths and Misconceptions About
Domestic Violence." Pace Law Review, Vol. 16:41, 1995.
Dougherty, Steve, Kristina Johnson, and Lorenzo Benet. "Bye
Bye Love." People (July 18, 1994): 48-53.
Driscoll, Lisa. "Domestic Violence Hotline Counters Victims'
Isolation." New Mexico Bar Bulletin, Vol. 33, No. 32 August 11,
1994.
Dunkin, Tish. "The Myth of the Violent Femme." Mademoiselle,
April 1994.
Dutton, Donald G. The Batterer: A Psychological Profile. New
York: Basic Books, 1995.
Editors. "Domestic Violence: Setting the Record Straight." Ms.,
Vol. V, No. 2 (September/October 1994): 33.
 Page 248
Edleson, Jeffery L., and Richard M. Tolman. Intervention for
Men Who Batter: An Ecological Approach. Newbury Park, CA:
Sage Publications, 1992.
Engel, Beverly. Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused
Woman. Los Angeles: Lowell House, 1993.
Enns, Greg and Jan Black. It's Not Okay Anymore: Your
Personal Guide to Ending Abuse, Taking Charge and Loving
Yourself. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1997.
An excellent, easy-to-use, step-by-step workbook for victims
to use before, during, and after the process of breaking free of
an abusive relationship. Included are survivor's stories, with a
photo accompanied by the date she decided that violence
would no longer be a part of her life; detailed forms for
compiling alternative safety plans; and tips for rebuilding self-
esteem and taking care of yourself. A coaching system guides
the reader through the process of living abuse-free. The book
also features a "cycle of personal responsibility" created by
survivors. This cycle illustrates a step-by-step pattern of
behavior that moves the victim away from abuse and into
personal safety and success. Key to the cycle is the first step--
turning away from fear.
Facts on File. Vol. 52 No. 2713 (November 19, 1992): 874.
Fairstein, Linda A. Sexual Violence: Our War Against Rape. New
York: William Morrow & Co., 1993.
Fedders, Charlotte, and Laura Elliott. Shattered Dreams. New
York: Harper & Row, 1987.
Ferrato, Donna, with Ann Jones. Living with the Enemy. New
York: Aperture Foundation, Inc., 1991.
Fleming, Jennifer Baker. Stopping Wife Abuse. New York:
Anchor Books/Doubleday, 1979.
Flitcraft, Anne M.D. "Learning From the Paradoxes of Domestic
Violence." JAMA, Vol. 277, No. 17 (May 7, 1997): 1400.
Forward, Susan, and Joan Torres. Men Who Hate Women and
the Women Who Love Them. New York: Bantam, 1986.
Fraher, Jane. "There Are Ways That We All Can Counter
Domestic Abuse." Letters to Editor, Daily Pantagraph,
Bloomington, IL, August 1994.
Gardiner, Jeff. "Why Did I Take It?" Mademoiselle, (April 1994):
153.
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Gelles, Richard J., and Donileen R. Loeske. Current
Controversies on Family Violence. Newbury Park, CA: Sage
Publications, 1993.
Gelles, Richard J., and Claire Pedrick Cornell. Intimate Violence
in Families (2nd. Ed.). Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications,
1990.
Gelles, Richard J., Regina Lackner and Glenn D. Wolfner. ''Men
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 Page 250
Hilton, N. Zoe. Legal Responses to Wife Assault: Current Trends
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Horsburgh, Beverly. "Jewish Law and Jewish Battered Women."
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Horton, Anne L., and Judith A. Williamson. Abuse and Religion:
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Hunsberger, Brett. "A Girl, A Boy and a Gun." Albuquerque
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"Insurance Discrimination Against Victims of Domestic
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Jaffee, Peter G., David A. Wolfe, and Susan Kaye Wilson.
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Jones, Ann. "Still Going On Out There: Women Beaten Senseless
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Jones, Ann, and Susan Schechter. When Love Goes Wrong: What
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Kaye, Alice. "The Four Words That Saved My Life." Redbook
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 Page 251
Kiley, John Cantwell. Self-Rescue. Los Angeles: Lowell House,
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Kinports, Kit, and Karla Fischer. "Orders of Protection in
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Kuhle, Shirley J. "Domestic Violence in Rural America: Problems
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Langly, Robert, and Richard C. Levy. Wife Beating: The Silent
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Levinson, David. Family Violence in Cross-Cultural Perspective.
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Levy, Barrie. Dating Violence: Young Women in Danger. Seattle:
The Seal Press, 1991.
Levy, Barrie. In Love and Danger: A Teen's Guide to Breaking
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Lewin, Tamar. "New Laws Address Old Problem: The Terror of a
Stalker's Threats." New York Times (February 8, 1993): A12.
Lutz, Victoria L., and Cara M. Bonomolo. "How New York
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"Malik Yoba Urges Male Radio Listeners in Los Angeles Not to
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49.
Marano, Hara Estroff. "Why They Stay: A Saga of Spousal
Abuse." Psychology Today (May/June 1996): 56.
Martin, Del. Battered Wives. San Francisco: Volcano Press, 1981;
New York: Pocket Books, 1983.
 Page 252
Martin, Sue, Mary McNeill, and K. Kaufmann. Domestic
Violence: A Training Curriculum for Law Enforcement. San
Francisco: Family Violence Project, District Attorney's Office,
1988.
Marwick, Charles. "Health and Justice Professionals Set Goals to
Lessen Domestic Violence." JAMA, Vol. 271, No. 15 (April 20,
1994): 1147-1148.
McAfee, Robert E. "Breaking the Cycle, Controlling the Costs:
Physicians' Role in the Fight Against Family Violence." North
Carolina Medical Journal, Special Edition, September 1994.
McDermott, Judith, and Francis Wells Burck. Children of
Domestic Violence (A Guide for Moms). Spring Valley, NY:
Rockland Family Shelter, 1990. Available from the Company of
Women (see appendix).
McGinnis, Alan Loy. The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer
to the People You Care For. Minneapolis: Augsburg, 1979.
McNulty, Faith. The Burning Bed. New York: Bantam Books,
1981.
McShane, Claudette. Warning! Dating May be Hazardous to
your Health! Racine, WI: Mother Courage Press, 1988.
"Meeting the Needs of Older Battered Women." Aging (Spring,
1996): 98.
Murphy, Patricia A. Making the Connections: Women, Work &
Abuse. Winter Park, FL: GR Press, 1993.
Murphy, Patricia A. The Making the Connections Workbook: A
Career and Life Planning Guide for Women Abuse Survivors.
Winter Park, FL: GR Press, 1995.
National Center on Women and Family Law. Assisting Rural
Battered Women. Item no. 51. New York: 1994.
National Center on Women and Family Law. Domestic Violence
as a Statutory Defense to Custodial Interference or Kidnapping.
Item No. 126. New York: 1991, 1992.
National Center on Women and Family Law. Resources on Legal
Representation of Battered Women, Item no. 59. New York:
1992, 1993.
National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women.
Double-Time (newsletter).
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. National
Directory of Domestic Violence Program. 1994. Updated every
two years.
 Page 253
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: The Voice. Special
Edition: Mediation, Winter 1988.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Battered/Formerly
Battered Women's Task Force. A Current Analysis of the Battered
Women's Movement. Denver, CO: NCADV, 1992.
National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges. Family
Violence: Improving Court Programs. Reno, Nevada: The
Council, 1990.
National Council of Juvenile & Family Court Judges. Family
Violence: State-of-the-Art Court Programs. Reno, Nevada: The
Council, 1992.
National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges. The
Model Code on Domestic and Family Violence. Reno, Nevada:
1994.
National Institute of Justice, User Guide to NCJRS Products and
Services.
Newell, Brenda. NCADV Voice, Special Edition on Children's
Civil Rights. Winter 1993.
NiCarthy, Ginny. Getting Free: A Handbook for Women in
Abusive Relationships. Seattle: The Seal Press, 1982.
NiCarthy, Ginny. Getting Free: You Can End the Abuse and Take
Back Your Life. Seattle: The Seal Press, 1986. May be ordered
from the Company of Women (see appendix).
NiCarthy, Ginny. The Ones Who Got Away. Seattle: The Seal
Press, 1987. Also available from the Company of Women (see
appendix).
NiCarthy, Ginny, and Sue Davidson. You Can Be Free: An Easy-
to-Read Handbook for Abused Women. Seattle: The Seal Press,
1989.
NiCarthy, Ginny, Karen Merriam, and Sandra Coffman. Talking
It Out: A Guide to Groups for Abused Women. Seattle: The Seal
Press, 1986.
Noel, Nancy L., and Marylou Yam. "Domestic Violence: The
Pregnant Battered Woman." Women's Health, Vol. 27, No 4
(December 1992): 871-883.
Norwood, Robin. Women Who Love Too Much. Los Angeles:
Jeremy P. Tarcher, Inc., 1985.
Note: "Developments in the Law: Legal Responses to Domestic
Violence." Harvard Law Review, Vol. 106, No. 7 (1993): 1498-
1620.
Parker, Barbara. "Abuse of Adolescents: What Can We Learn
from Pregnant Teenagers?" AWHONN's Clinical Issues, Vol. 4,
No. 3 (1993): 363-370.
 Page 254
Pascal, Harold. Secret Scandal. Canfield, OH: Alpha House,
1977.
Paymer, Michael. Violent No More: Helping Men End Domestic
Abuse. Alameda, CA: Hunter House, 1996.
Phillips, Deborah, with Robert Judd. How to Fall Out of Love.
New York: Fawcett, 1978.
Pizzey, Erin. Scream Quietly or the Neighbors Will Hear. New
York: Penguin Books, 1984.
Pratap, Natasha. "If You Are in Crisis: Resources." Ms., Vol. V,
No. 2 (September/October 1994): 64.
Ralston, Jeannie. "He's Going to Kill Me." Glamour (September
1994) 264.
Ramo, Roberta Cooper. "Ending the Violence." ABA Journal
(February, 1996): 6.
Randall, Teri. "Domestic Violence Hotline's Demise: What's
Next?" and "While National Domestic Violence Hotline's Down,
Other Resources Can Assist Physicians, Patients." JAMA, Vol.
269, No. 10 (March 10, 1993): 1224-1225.
R.A.P.P. Relationship and Abuse Prevention Project. A Domestic
Violence Education and Prevention Curriculum for High School
Students. San Rafael, CA: Marin Abused Women's Services,
1986.
Reed, Susan. "The Kindest Cut." People Weekly, Vol.45, No.16
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Reske, Henry J. "License to Kill?" ABA Journal (April 1993): 37.
Richardson, Scott. "Battling the System in Domestic Violence
Cases." The Pantagraph (June 11, 1995): A2.
Roberts, Jenny. "Domestic Violence Training for Rural Law
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Robson, Elizabeth, and Gwenyth Edwards. Getting Help: A
Woman's Guide to Therapy. New York: E. P. Dutton, 1980.
Rodriguez, Rachel. "Forgotten Pain: Migrant Farmworker
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9.
Roy, Maria. Children in the Crossfire. Deerfield Beach, FL:
Health Communications, 1988.
 Page 255
Russell, Diana E. Rape in Marriage. New York: MacMillan, 1982.
Salber, Patricia R., M.D., and Ellen Taliaferro, M.D. The
Physician's Guide to Domestic Violence.
Schaef, Anne Wilson. Co-Dependence: Misunderstood,
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Schecter, Susan. Women and Male Violence. Boston: South End
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Schoichet, Barbara. The New Single Woman: Discovering a Life
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Schuerman, Sue Ellen. ''Establishing a Tort Duty for Police
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Seidman, Carrie. "What Works." Albuquerque Journal: Sage
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Skolnick, Andrew A. "NMA Seeks Prescription to End
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Smolowe, Jill. "Sleeping with the Enemy." Time (July 4, 1994):
18-25.
Statman, Jan Berliner. The Battered Woman's Survival Guide:
Breaking the Cycle. Dallas: Taylor Publishing Company, 1990.
Highly recommended.
Stein, Robert A. "Changing Attitudes About Abuse." ABA
Journal (October, 1996): 106.
Steinmetz, Suzanne, and Murray Straus, Ed. Violence in the
Family. New York: Dodd & Mead, 1977.
Stewart, Gail B. The Other America: Battered Women. San
Diego: Lucent Books, 1997.
Stordeur, Richard A., and Richard Stille. Ending Men's Violence
Against Their Partners: One Road to Peace. Newbury Park, CA:
Sage Publications, 1989.
Straus, Murray, Richard Gelles, and Suzanne Steinmetz. Behind
Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family. New York:
Anchor Books, 1977; Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications,
1988.
 Page 256
Switzer, M'Liss, and Katherine Hale. Called to Account: The
Story of One Family's Struggle to Say No to Abuse. Seattle: The
Seal Press, 1987.
Tapp, Anne; H. David Banks; Francine Garland Stark; Rus Ervin
Funk; Eris Adams; David Houseal. "Special Edition: Men's Role
in the Battered Women's Movement." NCADV Voice, Fall 1992.
Titus, Karen. "When Physicians Ask, Women Tell About
Domestic Abuse and Violence." JAMA, Vol. 275, No. 24 (June 26,
1996): 1863.
Tomkins, Alan J., Michael Steinman, Mary K. Kenning, Somaia
Mohamed, and Jan Afrank. "Children Who Witness Woman
Battering." Law & Policy, Vol. 14, Nos. 2 & 3 (April/July 1992):
169-181.
Turner, Tina, with Kurt Loder. I, Tina. New York: Morrow, 1986.
Ungar, Alan B. Financial Confidence for the Suddenly Single: A
Woman's Guide. Los Angeles: Lowell House, 1992.
"Violence Report Finds Double Standard" (AP) Daily
Pantagraph, August 1994.
Walker, Lenore, The Battered Wife Syndrome. New York:
Springer, 1984.
Walker, Lenore. The Battered Woman. New York: Harper &
Row, 1982.
Walker, Lenore. Terrifying Love: Why Battered Women Kill and
How Society Responds. New York: Harper & Row, 1989.
Watson, Rita E. Decision Making for Women. Los Angeles:
Lowell House, 1994.
Weston, Bonnie "To Many Teens, 'Guys Beating Girls Just Seems,
Well Normal." The Orange County Register, July 3, 1994.
Winston, Sherri. "Five Minutes in Hell: Battered Woman Fights
Back." Albuquerque Journal (July 10, 1994): C2.
Woodhouse, Violet and Victoria Felton-Collins. Divorce &
Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During
Divorce. Berkeley, CA: Nolo Press, 1993.
Wsititz, Janet Geringer. Struggle for Intimacy. Pompano Beach,
FL: Health Communications, 1985.
Zorza, Joan. "Woman Battering: A Major Cause of
Homelessness." Clearinghouse Review, Special Issue, 1991.
 Page 257

Readings on Battered Women of Color

Agtuca, Jacqueline R. A Community Secret: For the Filipina in
an Abusive Relationship. Seattle: Seal Press, 1992, 1994.
Allen, Paula Gunn. "Violence and the American Indian Woman."
Working Together, April 1985.
Bachman, Ronet. Death and Violence on the Reservation:
Homicide, Family Violence, and Suicide in American Indian
Populations. New York: Auburn House, 1992.
Hampton, Robert L. Black Family Violence: Current Research
and Theory. Lexington, MA: Lexington Books, 1991.
Lai, Tracy A. "Asian Women: Resisting the Violence." Working
Together, February 1985.
White, Evelyn C. Chain Chain Change: For Black Women
Dealing with Physical and Emotional Abuse. Seattle: The Seal
Press, 1985. Highly recommended for Black women in abusive
relationships and those working to help them.
White, Evelyn C. Chain Chain Change: For Black Women in
Abusive Relationships. Seattle: The Seal Press, 1985, 1995.
Revised and expanded second edition
Zambrano, Myrna M. Mejor Sola Que Mal Acompanada: Para
la Mujer Golpeada/For the Latina in an Abusive Relationship.
Seattle: The Seal Press, 1985. Bilingual Spanish-English book
addressing domestic violence from a Latina perspective,
emphasizing alternatives for Latina battered women (including
undocumented women) and offering information for those
working with them. May be ordered from the Company of
Women (see appendix).
Zambrano, Myrna M. ¡No Mas!: Guía Para la Mujer Golpeada.
Seattle: The Seal Press, 1994. Written in Spanish. This book
provides a broad range of information for Latina women in
abusive relationships.

Violence in Gay and Lesbian Relationships

Hammond, Nancy. "Lesbian Victims of Relationship Violence."
Women and Therapy: 8 (1989): 89-105.
Island, David, and Patrick Letellier. Men Who Beat Men Who
Love Them: Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence. New
York: Harrington Park Press, 1991.
 Page 258
Journal of Gay and Lesbian Social Services: First Edition,
Same-Sex Domestic Violence. Hawthorne Press, 1994.
Kanuha, Valli. "Compounding the Triple Jeopardy: Battering in
Lesbian of Color Relationships." Women and Therapy: 9 (1990):
169-184.
Lobel, Kerry (Ed.). Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About
Lesbian Battering. Seattle: The Seal Press, 1986.
Obejas, Achy. "Women Who Batter Women." Ms., Vol. V, No. 2
(September/October 1994): 53.
Renzetti, Claire. Violent Betrayal: Partner Abuse in Lesbian
Relationships. Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications, 1992.
Robson, Ruthann. Lesbian (Out) Law: Survival Under the Rule
of Law. Ithaca, NY: Firebrand Books, 1992.
 Page 259

Appendix
National Organizations
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TDD)
The national hotline is staffed 24 hours a day by trained
counselors who can provide crisis assistance and information
about shelters, legal assistance, health care, and counseling.
During its first eight days in operation, the hotline received over
10,000 calls.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
National Office
P.O. Box 18749
Denver, CO 80218-0749
(303) 839-1852
(303) 831-9251 Fax
NCADV Membership/Public Policy Office
P.O. Box 34103
Washington, DC 20043-4103
(703) 765-0339
(202) 628-4899 Fax
The NCADV serves as an information and referral center for
victims of abuse, shelters, service programs, and others assisting
battered women and their children. It helps other agencies
develop programs; publishes information packets, service
directories, and a newsletter, The Voice; helps acquire funding for
shelters and other services; promotes community awareness and
education about domestic violence; sponsors conferences and
regional training seminars for advocates; and supports task forces
for subgroups within the battered women's movement. Those
interested in becoming members should contact the Washington,
DC office. Five categories of membership are available for
individuals, organizations, and youth.
 Page 260
Battered Women's Justice Project
4032 Chicago Avenue South
Minneapolis, MN 55407
(612) 824-8768
(612) 824-8965 Fax
This organization studies abused women in the criminal justice
system, and provides information to attorneys, and advocates for
battered women or others working with them.
Domestic Abuse Project (DAP)
204 West Franklin Avenue
Minneapolis, MN 55404
(612) 874-7063
DAP publishes treatment manuals, research reports, and other
materials. It also conducts tailored training sessions and
workshops for professionals involved in mental health, social
services, and criminal justice, as well as education for the general
public, across the country. DAP is especially active in working
with children from violent homes, and publishes reports and
manuals on children's treatment.
The Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
(415) 252-8900
(415) 252-8991 Fax
1-800-313-1310
This group runs public education programs, provides direct
services to victims, and develops public policy and training
programs for policymakers and health care providers. It also
addresses the legal rights of battered immigrant and refugee
women. It includes the Health Resource Center on Domestic
Violence.
National Council on Child Abuse and Family Violence
1155 Connecticut Avenue NW, Suite 300
Washington, DC 20036
(202) 429-6695
1-800-222-2000
Provides information and referrals on spouse, child, and elder
abuse through this toll-free helpline operated 8:00 A.M. to 5:00
P.M. Monday through Friday, Pacific Standard Time. Also gives
assistance and information for community-based programs, and
publishes brochures, periodicals, and a newsletter.
National Victim Center
309 West 7th Street, Suite 705
Fort Worth, TX 76102
1-800-FYI-CALL
The National Victim Center provides research, education,
training, advocacy, and resources for those working for the
victims of all types of crime. Its INFOLINK line (above)
provides information and referrals to victims of crime and people
who work with them. While INFOLINK is not a crisis line and
does not provide counseling, its volunteers and staff give callers
information and referrals to victim assistance agencies in the
callers' areas. Resource packages on domestic violence, stalking,
and other topics are available free of charge by calling
INFOLINK.
 Page 261
National Battered Women's Law Project
275 Seventh Avenue, Suite 1206
New York, NY 10001
(212) 741-9480
(212) 741-6438 Fax
This project serves as a clearinghouse for information for
attorneys, advocates, and others. It publishes a wide range of
information packets for those offering legal assistance to battered
women. The publications address specific issues affecting
domestic violence victims, such as child custody, litigation
strategies, case law, the special needs of rural women, and many
others. It also disseminates law, cases, model briefs, statistics,
protocol, and studies.
National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women
125 South 9th Street, Suite 302
Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 351-0010
(215) 351-0779
1-800-903-0111 ext. 3
This organization provides information and resource materials to
attorneys, advocates, and expert witnesses who assist battered
women charged with crimes, as well as the women themselves,
particularly those who kill in self-defense. It publishes the
newsletter, Double-Time, and coordinates a national network of
people working with women in prison.
National Institute of Justice/NCJRS
Box 6000
Rockville, MD 20850
1-800-851-3420
(301) 251-5500 in Maryland and
Washington, DC
The National Institute of Justice is the principal criminal justice
research agency of the U.S. Department of Justice. It develops
research and collects information about crime, its causes, and its
control; trains practitioners; and distributes information. Its
clearinghouse is the largest network of criminal justice
information in the world, and maintains a document data base,
electronic bulletin board, specialized data bases, publications, and
a reference and referral service. A user's guide is available upon
request.
Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project National Training
Project
206 West Fourth Street
Duluth, MN 55806
(218) 722-2781
(218) 722-1545 Fax
This organization publishes and distributes a wide variety of
training materials including books, curricula, research reports,
training manuals, and videotapes. It also conducts training
seminars for people involved in social programs to assist victims
of domestic violence and those in the criminal justice system. It
provides specialized training materials for those working with
Native American families. The project is especially active in
helping other communities establish or improve their own
programs. A free brochure describing these publications and
services is available by writing or calling.
 Page 262
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300
Harrisburg, PA 17112
1-800-537-2238
(717) 545-9456 Fax
This center furnishes information and resources to advocates,
policymakers, and the media.
National Clearinghouse on Marital and Date Rape
2325 Oak Street
Berkeley, CA 94708
(510) 524-1582
This business provides rape prevention education through
speakers, publications, and consultation by telephone or in
person. It produces charts and packets that answer the most
common questions and provide information on marital and date
rape.
Law Students for Pro Bono 1666 Connecticut Avenue NW,
Suite 424
Washington, DC 20009
(202) 462-0120
This group provides information on free services from law
students, and assists law students interested in starting pro bono
programs at their schools.
ABA IOLTA Clearinghouse
541 N. Fairbanks Court
Chicago, IL 60611-3314
(312) 988-5748
This office of the American Bar Association coordinates the
programs in most states which collect funds from Interest on
Lawyers Trust Account (IOLTA). The money from these
programs is distributed to legal service providers who provide
free legal services to low-income persons.
Center for Women's Policy Studies
2000 P Street NW, Suite 508
Washington, DC 20036
(202) 872-1770
This organization focuses on combatting gender-motivated hate
crimes and studies the efficacy of civil rights remedies. Its
National Program on Girls and Violence collects information
from girls and teenagers throughout America on the violence in
their lives, and studies increasing youth violence. A fact sheet on
girls and violence is available now, with more data to be
published as studies continue.
National Coalition for Low-Income Housing
1012 14th Street NW, Suite 1200
Washington, DC 20005
(202) 662-1530
Resource Center on Child Custody and Protection
National Council of Juvenile and
Family Court Judges
Family Violence Project
P.O. Box 8970
Reno, NV 89507
1-800-527-3223
(702) 784-6012
(702) 784-6060 Fax
The center, operated by The National Council of Juvenile and
Family Court Judges, provides general information, consultation,
and training related to child protection and custody issues. It
cannot provide legal assistance in individual cases. Call for a
publication list.
 Page 263
Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
1-800-313-1310
This organization is dedicated to strengthening the health care
response to domestic violence. It provides information packets,
publications, and technical assistance for those wishing to set up
programs and protocols.
Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence
936 North 34th Street, Suite 200
Seattle, WA 98103
(206) 634-1903
(206) 634-0115 Fax
This center provides educational materials for religious
organizations and institutions to use in preparing curricula for
clergy and Sunday school classes. It also trains clergy and lay
leaders in issues of child abuse, clergy sexual misconduct, and
domestic violence. It is not a direct service agency, but sometimes
provides referrals.
National Organization for Women (NOW)
1000 16th Street NW, Suite 700
Washington, DC 20036
(202) 328-5160
NOW maintains a task force on domestic violence and is active in
a broad range of issues important to women.
NOW Legal Defense and Education Fund
99 Hudson Street, 12th Floor
New York, NY 10013
(212) 925-6635
This sister organization to NOW focuses on litigation and
education in the areas of gender discrimination and related issues.
It sponsors a Family Law Project and publishes various materials,
including a state-by-state guide to womens' legal rights.
Domestic Violence Project of the American Academy of Facial
Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery (AAFPRS)
1110 Vermont Avenue NW, Suite 220
Washington, DC 20005
1-800-842-4546
In 1994, the educational and research foundation for AAFPRS, in
cooperation with the NCADV, embarked on a campaign to
provide free facial and reconstructive plastic surgery to victims of
domestic violence. For information, call the toll-free number
above or contact Rita Smith at the NCADV, (202) 638-6388.
Domestic Abuse Awareness Inc.
P.O. Box 1837
Old Chelsea Station
New York, NY 10013-1837
(212) 367-7004
This visual resource center on domestic violence provides
traveling photo exhibitions, featuring the work of renowned
photographer Donna Ferrato, who founded the organization in
1991, as well as photo archives, slide shows, and books to assist
organizations working to end domestic violence.
 Page 264
American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence
740 15th Street NW
9th Floor
Washington, DC 20005-1022
(202) 662-1737 or 662-1744
(202) 662-1594 Fax
Service Center (to order materials): 1-800-285-2221
e-mail: [email protected]
http://www.abanet.org/domviol/home.html
The Nicole Brown Simpson Charitable Foundation
15 Monarch Bay Plaza, Box 380
Monarch Beach, CA 92629
(714) 443-4200
(714) 443-4171 Fax
http://www.nbscf.org/core.html
This foundation, founded by Nicole Brown Simpson's sister
Denise Brown, raises money to fund shelters and educational
programs which help women and children who have become
victims of domestic violence. It also produces an on-line
newsletter and other information about domestic violence at its
Internet website.
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
c/o Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence
6400 Frank Drive, Suite 1300
Harrisburg, PA 17122
1-800-537-2238
Fax (717) 545-9546
National Network to End Domestic Violence
c/o Texas Council on Domestic Violence
8701 North Mopac Expressway, Suite 450
Austin, TX 78759
(512) 794-1133
(512) 794-1199 Fax
Battered Women's Justice Project c/o PCADVLegal Office
524 McKnight Street
Reading, PA 19601
(610) 373-5697
(610) 373-6403 Fax
National Network to End Domestic Violence
701 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Suite 900
Washington, DC 20004
1-800-903-0111 Extension 3
(202) 434-7405
(202) 434-7400 Fax
Legal Aid for Abused Women (LAAW)
3524 S. Utah Street
Arlington, VA 22206
(703) 820-8393
(703) 820-7968 Fax
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/laaw
LAAW provides legal aid to men and
women trying to remove themselves
from an abusive situation.
 Page 265
Women's Initiative of the AARP
601 E. Street NW
Washington, DC 20049
(202) 434-2400.
The U.S. Government Violence Against Women Act Grant Office
provides funding to qualified local domestic violence programs.
For information, call (202) 307-6026.
Polaroid DV 100 Program
For information on how local organizations or agencies can
participate, call 1-800-811-5764, ext. 163. Polaroid also prints and
distributes manuals, videos, and other training materials designed
to assist police, prosecutors, and others learn more about
domestic violence and how to respond to it in their communities.
Information may be obtained by calling the number above.
Project Protect
1-800-507-2560
Family Service America
11700 West Lake Park Drive
Milwaukee, WI 53224
(414) 359-1040

State Coalitions
Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 4762
Montgomery, AL 36101
(334) 832-4803
Alaska Network on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
130 Seward, Suite 501
Juneau, AK 99801
(907) 586-3650
Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence
100 W. Camelback Street, Suite 109
Phoenix, AZ 85103
(602) 279-2900
1-800-782-6400 (crisis line)
Arkansas Coalition Against Domestic Violence
#1 Sheriff Lane, Suite C
Little Rock, AR 72114
(501) 812-0571
California Alliance Against Domestic Violence
619 13th Street, Suite I
Modesto, CA 95354
(209) 524-1888
Northern California Coalition for Battered Women & Children
1717 5th Avenue
San Rafael, CA 94901
(415) 457-2464
Southern California Coalition for Battered Women
P.O. Box 5036
Santa Monica, CA 90409
(310) 655-6098
(310) 658-8717 Fax
Colorado Domestic Violence Coalition
P.O. Box 18902
Denver, CO 80219
(303) 831-9632
 Page 266
Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence
135 Broad Street
Hartford, CT 06105
(860) 524-5890
1-800-281-1481
Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 847
Wilmington, DE 19899
(302) 658-2958
DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 76069
Washington, DC 20013
(202) 783-5332
Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence
1535, C-5 Killearn Center Boulevard
Tallahassee, FL 32308
(904) 668-6862
1-800-500-1119 (toll free)
Georgia Advocates for Battered Women and Children
250 Georgia Avenue SE, Suite 308
Atlanta, GA 30312
(404) 524-3847
1-800-643-1212
Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
98-939 Moanalua Road
Aiea, HI 96701-5012
Idaho Coalition Against Domestic Violence
200 North Fourth Street, Suite 10-K
Boise, ID 83702
(208) 384-0419
Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence
730 East Vine Street, Suite 109
Springfield, IL 62703
(217) 789-2830
Friends of Battered Women and Their Children
Chicago, IL
(773) 274-5232
1-800-603-HELP (hotline)
Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence
2511 E. 46th Street, Suite N3
Indianapolis, IN 46202
(317) 593-3908
1-800-332-7385 (toll free)
Iowa Coalition Against Domestic Violence
1540 High Street, Suite 100
Des Moines, IA 50309-3123
(515) 244-8028
1-800-942-0333 (hotline)
Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence
820 S.E. Quincy, Suite 416
Topeka, KS 66612
(913) 232-9784
Kentucky Domestic Violence Association
P.O. Box 356
Frankfort, NY 40602
(502) 875-4132
Louisiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 3053
Hammond, LA 70404-3053
(504) 542-4446
 Page 267
Maine Coalition for Family Crisis Services
128 Main Street
Bangor, ME 04401
(207) 941-1194
Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence
11501 Georgia Avenue, Suite 403
Silver Spring, MD 20902-1955
(301) 942-0900
1-800-MD-HELPS (toll free)
Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women's Service Groups
14 Beacon Street, Suite 507
Boston, MA 02108
(617) 248-0922
Michigan Coalition Against Domestic Violence
913 W. Holmes, Suite 211
Lansing, MI 48910
(517) 887-9334
E-mail: [email protected]
http://pilot.msu.edu/user/mcadv
Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women
450 North Syndicate Street, Suite 122
St. Paul, MN 55104
(573) 646-6177
1-800-646-0994 (toll free)
Mississippi State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 4703
Jackson, MS 39296-4703
(601) 981-9196
1-800-898-3234
Missouri Coalition Against Domestic Violence
331 Madison Street
Jefferson City, MO 65101
(314) 634-4161
Montana Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 633
Helena, MT 59624
(406) 443-7794
http://www.initco.net/~mcadv/
Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition
315 South 9th, Suite 18
Lincoln, NE 68508-2253
(402) 476-6256
1-800-876-6238 (toll free)
Nevada Network Against Domestic Violence
2100 Capurro Way, Suite E
Sparks, NV 89431
(702) 358-1171
1-800-500-1556 (toll free)
New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual
Violence
P.O. Box 353
Concord, NH 03302-0353
(603) 224-8893
1-800-852-3388 (multi-issue state hotline)
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women
2620 Whitehorse/Hamilton Square Road
Trenton, NJ 08690
(609) 584-8107
1-800-572-7233 (state hotline)
1-800-224-0211 (battered lesbian crisis line)
 Page 268
New Mexico State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 25266
Albuquerque, NM 87125
(505) 246-9240
1-800-209-DVLH (legal helpline)
1-800-773-3645 (crisis line)
http://www.nmcadv.org/dv/
New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Women's Building, 79 Central Avenue
Albany, NY 12206
(518) 432-4864
1-800-942-6906 (English hotline)
1-800-942-6908 (Spanish hotline)
North Carolina Coalitions Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 51875
Durham, NC 27717
(919) 956-9124
North Dakota Council on Abused Women's Services
418 E. Rosser Avenue, Suite 320
Bismarck, ND 58501
(701) 255-6240
1-800-472-2911 (state hotline)
Ohio Domestic Violence Network
4041 North High Street, Suite 101
Columbus, OH 43214
(614) 784-0023
1-800-934-9840 (toll free)
Oklahoma Coalition on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
2200 Classen Boulevard, Suite 610
Oklahoma City, OK 73801
(405) 557-1210
1-800-522-9054 (toll free)
Oregon Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
520 N. W. Davis Street, Suite 310
Portland, OR 97204
(503) 223-7411
1-800-622-3782 (crisis line)
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence/National
Resource Center on Domestic Violence
6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300
Harrisburg, PA 17112-2778
(717) 545-6400
1-800-932-4632 (state hotline)
Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence
422 Post Road, Suite 104
Warwick, RI 02888
(401) 467-9940
1-800-494-8100 (toll free)
South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual
Assault
P.O. Box 7776
Columbia, SC 29202-7776
(803) 750-1222
1-800-260-9293 (toll free)
South Dakota Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual
Assault
P.O. Box 141
Pierre, SD 57401
(605) 945-0869
1-800-572-9196 (toll free)
Tennessee Task Force Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 120972
Nashville, TN 37212-0972
(615) 386-9406
1-800-350-6767 (toll free)
 Page 269
Texas Council on Family Violence
8701 North Mopac Expressway, Suite 450
Austin, TX 78759
(512) 794-1133
1-800-252-5400 (hotline)
Utah Domestic Violence Advisory Council
120 N. 200 West
Salt Lake City, UT 84145
(801) 538-4100
1-800-897-LINK (toll free)
Vermont Network Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
P.O. Box 405
Montpelier, VT 05601
(802) 223-1302
Virginians Against Domestic Violence
2850 Sandy Bay Road, Suite 101
Williamsburg, VA 23185
(804) 221-0990
1-800-838-VADV (toll free)
Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
2101 4th Avenue E, Suite 103
Olympia, WA 98506
(360) 352-4029
1-800-562-6025 (toll free)
West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 85
181B Main Street
Sutton, WV 26601-0085
(304) 765-2250
1-800-352-6513 (crisis line)
Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence
1400 E. Washington, Suite 232
Madison, WI 53703
(608) 255-0539
Wyoming Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual
Assault
341 East E Street, Suite 135A
Pinedale, WY 82601
(307) 367-4296
1-800-990-3877
Puerto Rico: Comision para los Asuntos de la Mujer
Calle San Francisco 151-153
Viejo San Juan, San Juan, Puerto Rico 00901
(809) 722-2907
(809) 722-2977
U.S. Virgin Islands: Women's Resource Center
8 Kongens Gade
St. Thomas, U.S.V.I. 00802
(809) 776-3699
Women's Coalition of St. Croix
P.O. Box 2734
Christiansted
St. Croix, U.S.V.I. 00822
(809) 773-9272
 Page 270

Local Programs
Local domestic violence shelters, programs, hotlines, and other
services can be found in your local telephone directory. Look in
the blue or white pages under ''Domestic Abuse Information and
Treatment Centers,'' "Social Service Organizations," "Human
Service Organizations," "Shelters," "Women's Organizations," or
"Family Services." They can help and advise you on locating
emergency and permanent housing, and provide information on
your legal rights, welfare or public aid application, counseling,
support groups, and services for children. Some have brochures
that address issues of concern and list other local resources and
services. Most of these programs offer their help free of charge
or on a sliding fee scale, according to income. Your state
coalition (see above) can also refer you to sources of information
and help in your community.

Internet Websites
Many of the organizations listed in this section have websites that
contain a wealth of information, including links to other sites of
interest. These website are listed with the information provided
on each organization, above. A few of the many, many other
websites dealing with domestic violence and related issues are
listed below. Bear in mind that website locations change
frequently, and new ones appear every day.
National Domestic Violence Hotline Resources List
http://www.feminist.org/911/crisis.html
Family Violence Awareness Page
http://www.famvi.com/
Family Violence Prevention Fund
http://www.igc.apc.org/fund/index.html
Domestic Violence Resources Page
http://www.igc.apc.org/woman/activist/domestic.html
U.S. Justice Department Violence Against Women Office
http://www.usdoj.gov/vawo/
The Clothesline Project
http://www.cybergrrl.com/planet/dv/orgs/cp.html
 Page 271

Other Sources of Information, Referrals, and Help

Black Battered Women's Project Minnesota Institute on Black
Chemical Abuse
2616 Nicollet Avenue South
Minneapolis, MN 55408
Boulder County Safehouse
P.O. Box 4157
Boulder, CO 80306
(303) 449-8623
The Safehouse publishes a series of books on children and
domestic violence, including books especially for parents,
teachers, and health care providers. The books are inexpensive
and are available in English and Spanish.
The Company of Women
102 Main Street, P.O. Box 742
Nyack, NY 10960-0742
(914) 353-0940
(800) 937-1193
This mail-order catalog business specializes in products of
interest to women, many produced by women-owned businesses.
Information on domestic violence and sources of help are
included in the catalog as well. The Company of Women is a
subsidiary of the Rockland Family Shelter in Spring Valley, New
York, which serves victims and survivors of domestic violence
and sexual assault as well as homeless women and children.
Profits from the catalog go to support its programs and services.
It also provides a community action kit for those wishing to end
domestic violence in their own community, which may be
obtained by calling (800) 777-1960.
Women of Nations
P.O. Box 4637
St. Paul, MN 55104
(612) 222-5830
Provides information on American Indian women against
domestic violence.
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
409 12th Street
Washington, D.C. 20024
(202) 638-5577
Publishes The Abused Woman for patients.
Special Resources for Immigrant and Refugee Women
Immigrant Assistance Line
(415) 554-2444 (English and Spanish)
(415) 554-2454 (Cantonese, Mandarin, and Vietnamese)
Military Family Clearinghouse
4015 Wilson Boulevard, Suite 903
Arlington, VA 22203-5190
(703) 696-5860
(800) 336-4592
Provides information on military support centers.
National Lawyer's Guild National Immigration Project
14 Beacon Street, Suite 560
Boston, MA 02108
(617) 227-9727
This group of lawyers, law students, and legal workers educates
and organizes for progressive immigration law; defends civil
liberties of foreign born people, and distributes publications.
 Page 272
Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
(800) 313-1310
Produces a brochure on the rights of immigrant and refugee
women in violent homes, which is available in Spanish, Chinese,
Tagalog, and Korean. Also produces a manual with more in-
depth coverage entitled Domestic Violence in Immigrant and
Refugee Communities: Asserting the Rights of Battered Women.
American Immigration Lawyers Association
1400 Eye Street NW, Suite 1200
Washington, D.C. 20005
(202) 371-9377
This association is composed of lawyers specializing in
immigration and nationality law. It can provide referrals to such
lawyers in local areas.
National Immigration Project
(617) 227-9727
Help for Battered Gays and Lesbians Lesbian Battering
Intervention Project
Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women
1619 Dayton Avenue, Suite 303
St. Paul, MN 55104
(612) 646-6177
National Gay and Lesbian Domestic Violence Victim's Network
3506 S. Ouray Circle
Aurora, CO 80013
(303) 266-3477
Provides support for victims and publishes a handbook on same
sex-domestic violence issues.
Family Violence Councils
The councils listed below are coordinating groups that were
recognized as notable by the National Council of Juvenile and
Family Court Judges in their 1992 publication, Family Violence:
State-of-the-Art Court Programs. Such councils have been
described as "a remarkable agent for change within a
community." Each council may be contacted for information on
how it was created, how it has been maintained, and the goals it
has accomplished.
Multnomah County Family Violence Council
c/o Multnomah County Legal Aid Service
1020 Board of Trade Building
310 SW Fourth Avenue
Portland, OR 97204
(503) 226-7991
Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Council
c/o Board of Supervisors
Attn: Clerk of the Board
70 West Hedding
San Jose, CA 95110
(408) 299-4321
San Diego County Family Violence Council
Domestic Violence Unit
Office of City Attorney
1010 Second Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, CA 92101-4903
(619) 533-3000
Human Services Roundtable King County
1220 Smith Tower
Seattle, WA 98104
(206) 623-7134
 Page 273
Baltimore City Violence Coordinating Council
500 E. Baltimore Street
3rd Floor Domestic Violence
Baltimore, MD 21202
(410) 396-3133
Project Safeguard
1207 Pennsylvania Street
Denver, CO 80203
(303) 863-7233
Hawaii Family Court First Circuit
777 Punch Bowl Street
Honolulu, HI 96813
(808) 548-6369
Alternatives to Violence: East Hawaii
P.O. Box 10448
Hilo, HI 96721-7798
(808) 969-7798
Protection Order Advocacy Program Victim Assistance Unit
King County Prosecuting Attorney
E223 King County Courthouse
Seattle, WA 98104
(206) 296-9547
San Francisco District Attorney's Domestic Violence Programs
850 Bryant Street, 3rd Floor
San Francisco, CA 94103
(415) 552-7550
(415) 553-9743
Family Violence Prevention Fund
Building One, Suite 200
1001 Potrero Avenue
San Francisco, CA 94110
(415) 821-4553
Prosecutor's Victim Assistance Program
Municipal Courts Building
1101 Locust Street
Kansas City, MO 64106
(816) 274-1517
Project Assist
Legal Aid of Western Missouri
1005 Grand Avenue, Suite 600
Kansas City, MO 64106
(816) 474-6750
Quincy District Court Domestic Violence Prevention Program
Quincy Division District Court Department
One Dennis F. Ryan Parkway
Quincy, MA 02169
(617) 471-1650
Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP)
206 West Fourth Street, Room 201
Duluth, MN 55806
(218) 722-2781
Men's Programs
These programs have been recognized as successful in working
with batterers on changing their abusive behavior. Many provide
information, publications, and assistance to other organizations
or communities seeking to establish batterer's programs.
Oakland Men's Project
440 Grand Avenue, Suite 320
Oakland, CA 94610
(510) 835-2433
 Page 274
Abusive Men Exploring New Directions (AMEND)
777 Grant Street, Suite 600
Denver, CO 80203
(303) 832-6363
Provides training programs, conventions, and publications for
others.
Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP)
206 West Fourth Street
Duluth, MN 55806
(218) 722-4134
EMERGE: A Men's Counseling Service on Domestic Violence
18 Hurley Street, Suite 100
Cambridge, MA 02141
(617) 547-9870
Serves as a model for similar groups, provides technical
assistance and training for human services and law enforcement
professionals, and distributes publications and information. Men
Overcoming Violence (MOVE)
54 Mint Street, Suite 300
San Francisco, CA 94103
(415) 777-4496
Batterers Anonymous (BA)
8485 Tamarind, Suite D
Fontana, CA 92335
(714) 355-1100
BA's publications include an annual national directory, a
handbook, and a self-help manual for batterers.
National Organization for Changing Men
RAVEN
7314 Manchester, 2nd Floor
St. Louis, MO 63143
(314) 645-2075
 Page 275

Index
A
AARP, 58-59
ABA Commission on Domestic Violence, 183-184
Abuser treatment, 93-95, 89-90, 153, 237-238
Abusers, characteristics, 8-9, 31-33, 40-45, 218-220
Adolescents and domestic violence, 99, 124-140, 160
Advocates, See Social services
A.F.D.C., See Welfare
African-Americans, 8, 59-60, 176, 203, 242
Alcoholics Anonymous, 95
Alcoholism, See Substance abuse
Aliens, See Immigrant and refugee women
Alternatives to Violence (Maui, Hawaii), 204-205
American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons, 72
American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery,
72-73
American Bar Association, 70, 182-184
American College of Emergency Physicians, 79
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, 79-80
American Medical Association, 7, 9, 82, 84, 183
American Psychological Association, 30, 163, 188
Amnesty International, 38
Anthony, Susan B., 20
Aris, Brenda, 186-187
Arrest policies, See Police policies

B
Baker, Martha, 176
Battered men, 63-65
Battered woman syndrome, 52-56, 185-188
Battered women, characteristics, 45-56, 192-194
Batterer's programs, See Abuser treatment
Biden, Joseph, 11
Birth defects, 79-84
Black, Jan, 3, 229
Blacks, See African-Americans
Blackstone, William, 20
Blick, Mary, 48-49, 78, 80-84
Bobbitt, Lorena, 65
Bray, Rosemary, 60, 133-135
Breaking off the relationship, See Leaving
Buel, Sara, 114-116, 229
Burning Bed, The, 190

C
Called to Account, 100
Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence, 98
Chain, Chain, Change, 59
Chaney, Catherine, 89
Child abuse, 8, 117-124, 156
Child custody, 123, 150, 171-175
Children from violent homes, 9-10, 37, 47, 65, 98-99, 117- 140,
171-175, 183-184, 222-223, 227-228
Children's and adolescent's counseling, 91, 97, 132-133, 139
Children's Hospital AWAKE program, 83
Choking, See Strangulation
Churches, 93, 97-98, 138
Civil Law, 156-163
Civil protection order programs, 209-212
Civil rights law, 163-165, 167, 181
Clark, Marcia, 13
Clemency, 189-191, 202
Clinton, Bill, 133, 168
Clothesline Project, 194
Committee to Aid Abused Women (Reno, Nevada), 210-211
Community programs, See Coordinated community programs
Company of Women, 24-25
Comprehensive programs, 198-205
Connecticut Superior Court, 206-207
Constitutional law, See Civil rights law
Coordinated community programs, 14-16, 20-22, 57-58, 67, 77-
78, 87-90, 151, 159, 168, 183-184, 193-216, 239-243
Counseling, See Psychological treatment
Couples and family counseling, 95-97
Crime Act of 1994, 167-169
Criminal justice system, 19-22, 25-27, 115-116, 130, 142-162, 194
Cycle of violence, 35-37, 35, 42, 45, 48, 67, 88-91, 100, 111, 185-
186

D
Dal Santo, Diane, 121
Dating violence, 9, 86-87, 122, 126-132, 193
Date rape, See Rape
Defending Our Lives, 185 de Pizan, Christine, 20
Depression, 41-42, 92, 124-125
Digirolami Associates, 49
Digirolami, Karla M., 49
District attorneys, See Prosecutors
Divorce, 113, 168-175
Doherty, Shannen, 65
Domestic Abuse Awareness, Inc., 70
 Page 276
Domestic Abuse Project (DAP), 101-104, 132-133, 199-200
Domestic Abuse Response Team (DART), 74, 150-151
Domestic torts, See Tort law
Domestic violence, definition, 1-4, 218-220
Domestic Violence Awareness Month, 13
Domestic Violence Institute (Denver), 35
Domestic Violence Institute of Michigan, 240
Domestic Violence Unit (San Diego, California), 212-214
Drug abuse, See Substance abuse
Duluth, Minnesota Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, 17, 24,
61, 94, 242
Dynamics of abusive relationships, 30-34, 39
E
East Cleveland Domestic Violence Project, See Teplum
Education, See Schools
Elder abuse, See Older women
EMERGE, 3, 238
Emergency rooms, 8, 74-79, 83,
Emotional abuse, 1-3, 28-29
Engels, Sarah, 104-110
Enns, Greg, 3, 229
Equal protection, See Civil rights law
Evidence, 150, 152, 154, 161-162, 176-180

F
Fairstein, Linda, 129, 131
Family and friends of victims, 222, 227-228, 231, 234-238
Family Division of the Connecticut Superior Court, 206
Family law, 168-175
Family Violence and Sexual Assault Institute, 29
Family Violence Program at the University of Rhode Island, 26
Family Violence Prevention and Services Act, 166
Family Violence Prevention Fund, 16-17, 70, 150
Family Violence Prevention Project, 144-145
Fawcett, Farrah, 190
Fedders, Charlotte, 49, 110-114
Fedders, John, 110-114
Federal Bureau of Investigation, 7, 9, 160
Ferrato, Donna, 11
Financial pressures, 47-48, 68, 123
Forward, Susan, 1-2, 53, 228
Fraher, Jane, 91, 229
Friends, See Family and friends
Fulgham v. State, 21
G
Garvin, David, 240
Gay battering, See Same-sex battering
Geffner, Robert, 29, 50
Gelles, Richard, 31, 38, 41, 47, 55-56, 117
Getting Free, 220-221, 228, 244
Glover, Danny, 70
Goldner, Virginia, 96-97
Goldman, Ron, 12
Grass roots organizations, See Coordinated community efforts
and volunteers
Group therapy, 91-92, 94
Giuliani, Rudolph, 70
Gwinn, Casey G., 180, 212
H
Hahn, James, 179
Hanson, Lori, 73
Harshman, Linda, 4
Head injury among batterers, 42
Health care, See Physical injury
Henry, Robert, 74-79
History of domestic violence, 19-27
Hobbes, Thomas, 4
Homelessness, 9, 124
Homicide, partner, 7, 9, 126-127, 168, 172, 184-191
Homosexual battering, See Same-sex battering
Honeymoon phase, 36, 39, 54
Hotlines, 55, 222
House of Ruth, 201-202
Hughes, Francine, 190
Hughes, Becca Jean, 189-190

I
Illinois State University, 13
Immigrant and refugee women, 61
Indians, See Native Americans
Injury, See Physical injury
Insurance Discrimination, 145-146, 183
Internet, 40, 71
Intertribal Council to End Violence in Families, 214
Isolation, 32-33, 49, 63, 113

J
Jackson, Mike, 240
Jacobson, Neil, 42
JAMA, 79
Jarvis, Carol, 33
Jealousy, 32, 40-41, 127
Jewell, Angela, 26, 121-122
Jewish women, 61
Johns Hopkins Children's Center, 124
Joint custody, 172
Jones, Ann, 172, 229, 236
Judges, 142-162, 154-155, 197-198

K
Koop, C. Everett, 72, 85, 122

L
Laws against domestic violence, 19-27, 141-191
 Page 277
Law enforcement, See Police
Lawyers and other legal assistants, 158-159, 163, 165, 169, 174,
181-184, 195, 201, 223, 242-243
Learned helplessness, 37-39, 51
Leaving the violent relationship, 54-56, 217-238
Legal assistance, See Lawyers
Legal separation, See Divorce
Lesbians, See Same-sex battering
Levy, Barrie, 127
M
Making the Connection: Women, Work and Abuse, 85
Male victims, See Battered men
March of Dimes, 9, 80-84
Married Women's Property Act, 22
Marshall's, 16
Martinez, Andy, 132-140
McAfee, Robert, 8, 72
McGrory, Mary, 114
McGuinn, Randi, 241
McNulty, Faith, 190
McWhirter, Martha White, 21
Media influence, 69-71
Mediation, 169-171
Medical treatment, 7-8, 48-49, 73-79, 152, 177
Men's programs, See Abuser treatment
Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, 2, 228
Mental health treatment, See Psychological treatment
Miami, Florida, 16
Mill, John Stuart, 20
Minority women, 59-61, 242
Model Code on Domestic and Family Violence, 145
Moise, Jackie, 97
Ms. magazine, 16, 60, 134
Murder, See Homicide
Murphy, Patricia, 2, 85-87, 93
Mutual battering, 34
N
National Association of Insurance Commissioners, 145
National Centers for Disease Control, 8, 42-43, 94-95
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 7, 11,
24, 62-63, 90, 122, 129, 221, 240
National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, 144, 173,
196-216
National Council on Stalking, 5
National Domestic Violence Project, 73
National Gay and Lesbian Health Foundation, 62
National Network for Battered Immigrant Women/National
Immigration Project, 62
National Organization of Police Chiefs, 148
National Organization for Women (NOW), 24
Native Americans, 61, 242
Neutral Corner, 175
NiCarthy, Ginny, 220-221, 228, 244
O
Offender Accountability Programs, 214-216
Older women, 58-59

P
Panic buttons, 149
Pendergrast, Robert, 125
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 211-212
People v. Reeves, 185
Pets, 51, 108, 124, 222, 224, 231
Philbert-Ortega, Gina, 128
Physical abuse, definition, 3
Physical injury, 56, 72-84, 74-76, 117-120
Pizzey, Erin, 23
Planning and preparation to leave, See Leaving
Polaroid, 154, 178
Police officers, 73-75, 109, 142- 162
Police policies, 142-162
Post-traumatic stress disorder, 51-56, 85, 92, 119
Pregnancy, 9, 79-84, 126
Preparing to leave, See Leaving
Prosecutors, 142-162
Prosecution programs, 212-214
Protection orders, 144, 149, 156-162, 222
Psychological torture, 38
Psychological treatment, 53-54, 56, 87-90, 90-97, 101-103, 132-
133, 139, 177
R
Ramo, Roberta Cooper, 182-183
Rape, 9, 74-75, 126-132, 146
Residential security, 230-232
Restraining orders, See Protection orders
Risk factors for abuse, 31-33
Rule of thumb, 20, 23
Rural areas, 57-58, 207-209
Rural programs, 207-209
S
Safe houses, See Shelters
Safety Plans, 229-234
Salvation Army, 241
Same-sex battering, 4, 55-56
Sanctificationists, 21
Sanders, Bernand, 145
Savage, Ben, 70
Schaefer, William Donald, 202
Schools, 98-99, 129, 132, 183-184, 193-194
Schwartz, Robert, 151
Scream Quietly or the Neighbors Will Hear, 23