Emergency deprogramming course

WORKSHEET 1: Moments of choice

Moments of choice are those times when there is an opportunity to either strengthen or
weaken a limerent bond. To overcome limerence, every conscious choice to weaken the
bond is a decisive step up and out of the pit. It’s therefore very important to learn to
recognise when these moments of choice arrive, how to anticipate them, and how to
prepare yourself mentally for the purposeful step up, rather than the easy and self-
defeating step down. 

Here are a few examples of common moments of choice. Some, you should already have
experienced, others may be coming ahead. The key thing is to be mentally prepared when
they arrive. 

1. The conversational pause 

As trivial as it may seem, a simple pause in an otherwise freely flowing conversation is a

moment of choice. What will you do next? Will you initiate a new topic of conversation to
keep the happy chat going? Or let a silence fall and wait to see how they react? If you carry
the conversation on, what will that topic be? Will it be a topic that just so happens to be
rather emotionally loaded and so lead to greater intimacy? Or will it be neutral or
negative?
1 Worksheet 1: Moments of choice
In this sort of scenario, a step up would be to take it as an opportunity to end the
conversation (“oh, well, better get back to work”, “I’ve got an assignment that won’t write
itself”, or “I’d better make a move - good to see you though”), or steer it on to neutral topics
(work, hobbies, films/books etc.). The real high achievers could even use it as a way of
reinforcing their resolve (“my kids are great, I really love them”).

The step-down are topics that deepen intimacy (love, life dreams and ambitions, past love
affairs, marital worries, emotional wounds), or are seeking to find out more about LO’s
hope and dreams.

2. The ambiguous comment

There is often a temptation to use ambiguity to probe the strength of LO’s regard, in the
search for sweet, sweet reciprocation. This could be a comment that is turned to (usually
embarrassingly clumsy) innuendo:
LO: “Urgh, it’s hot in here”
Limerent: “Well I don’t mind if you want to take some clothes off!”

When a chance for a slightly racy response to an ambiguous comment pops into your mind,
choose not to express it.

A similar principle applies to ambiguous moments where LO is hesitant about doing

something (transferring to your team, accepting an invitation, rescheduling an
appointment) and you decide in that moment to try and persuade them to take the path
that gives you more contact. That’s another downwards step.
 3. The dangled carrot

Sometimes LO is (consciously or not) reinforcing the limerence through deliberately

ambiguous comments or statements. Maybe they hint at a special connection (“Of course,
you’d know because I tell you everything!”, “Ha! Reading my mind again, I see”), or maybe
they leave an opportunity for you to come to their rescue (“I never seem to meet good
men”, “my wife forgot my birthday again”).  

Again, this is a moment of choice: do you take the bait and reciprocate (“Well we do
understand each other very well”, “God she’s hopeless, she doesn’t deserve you.”), or do
you rebuff the offer (“Just a lucky guess, really”, “Oh dear. Have you spoken to her about
it?”)?

Steps up are choices where you ignore or dismiss the offered carrot. It may help to
remember that dangled carrots are traditionally used to motivate donkeys. 

4. The special event

It could be a birthday, it could be Christmas. It could be any number of special events

through the year where getting in touch with LO and letting them know you are thinking of
them has a thin social veneer of acceptability that provides plausible deniability that you
are not overstepping the bounds of simple friendship. Again, it is often used as an attempt
to gauge how interested and responsive LO is to a slightly-romantic overture. 

The step up here would be to let the event pass unremarked, or to make a simple neutral
comment (“Happy Birthday”). A step down would be to hint at a depth of emotional
2 connection (“Thinking of you on your special day”) in the hopeWorksheet
of provoking a similar
1: Moments of choice
response from LO.

5. The invitation
There’s a party, or coffee morning, or drinks after work, or weekend away, and you’re
invited. LO will be there. LO might even have invited you themselves. What do you do?

Obviously the most decisive step up is to politely decline the invitation, but this isn’t always
practical or desirable. Another upwards step would be to go to the party, but seek out other
company while there. Downward steps would be to enthusiastically accept LO’s invitation,
spend the time beforehand ruminating about LO and planning how you can maximise time
together at the event, and then go along, get drunk and declare your undying devotion.
There are plenty of other less extreme outcomes, but the basic message is that seeking to
avoid LO in social settings as far as possible is the right choice.

If you are a generally agreeable person, and find it very hard to decline an invitation for
fear of offending the host (whether or not they are LO) here are a few perennial polite
excuses: “I’m sorry I have a family event that I’ve promised I’d go to”, “Thanks so much,
but I’m already tied up that weekend”, “Sounds fun, but I’m behind on work so I’d better
get this finished. Thanks, though.” A particularly effective one if LO is offering the
invitation is “Thanks, but I have a date night planned with my spouse”.

The key is to be polite, thankful, and unambiguous. There’s no need to go into detail or
make up lies about where you will be or why you can’t attend. Most people will accept a
polite demurral without offence.
 6. The bored moment

Never underestimate the power of boredom to derail your plans. When you are bored,
restless or craving stimulation, your limerent brain has a well-established plan for what to
do: contact LO, or fantasise about LO. Before you know it, you’ve texted them a hilarious
meme that you know will crack them up. Or you’ve started daydreaming about ways that
you could get together in a stolen moment away from the world and all its mundane
concerns. Or you’ve opened your photo library to scroll towards that photo of them at the
work Christmas party when they looked really happy. 

This particular moment of choice is the one that is most amenable to reprogramming (see
Module 2), and the key to mastering it is to find new ways to relieve boredom that don’t
involve LO. You need new goals to work towards. The upward steps here are the choice to
not contact or daydream about LO, and to instead seek healthy sources of stimulation. 

These private moments of choice are the commonest ones that you will face, and many of
the steps you have already taken down into the pit were carved from the choice to indulge
the daydreams. 

7. Stress and sadness 

The more active form of the moment of boredom. When stressed, anxious or depressed,
your mind is again likely to lead you to thoughts of LO to try and seek pleasurable relief.
The same principles apply as for boredom. Be aware that the stress is pushing you towards
an unhealthy coping strategy, and try to actively intervene before you slip into reverie,
photo-gazing, or attempts to contact LO.
3 Worksheet 1: Moments of choice
8. The late night text (or DM)

Linked to the previous moment of choice is the temptation of the late night text. Whether
you initiate it, or receive it, a message outside work hours or otherwise outside the normal
context of your relationship, is a definite downwards step. Some limerents get caught up in
an almost constant texting habit, keeping LO up to date on everything that is going on in
their lives. This is not the behaviour of even most good friends, this is obviously the
product of infatuation. 

Steps up are to delay responses, progressively cut down the frequency, and ultimately
eliminate texting altogether. If you carry on the I’m always in touch with LO, even
just before bed habit, you are running downhill, creating limitless moments of choice
that lead always to a poor choice. 

There are many moments of choice in life. Although these are a few of the commonest,
there are many more. A good exercise is to review the recent past of your interactions with
LO and see if you can come up with more that you have experienced. Record these on the
next page.

In each case, the choice that will lead you up and out of limerence is usually clear. It’s the
choice that your limerent brain resists and complains about. It’s a step up, and so it can
feel like work in the short-term - especially compared to the easy pleasure of the lazy step
down. But the long-term benefits of stepping up are health, fitness, and a lasting happiness
 that you are free from a hell of your own making and striving towards a peak of
achievement. 

Some of my recent moments of choice:

4 Worksheet 1: Moments of choice

One last tactic: Given the seduction of cheap thrills compared to the slow virtue of doing
the right thing, try to give yourself a quick reward for taking an upward step. Maybe it’s
chocolate, maybe it’s a movie, maybe it’s a coffee, or an hour to walk in the park. Whatever
works for you – be sure to recognise, praise and reward yourself when you anticipate and
master a moment of choice, and take a decisive step upwards. Even the smallest step in the
right direction is something to celebrate.