EMERGENCY

Calming Techniques
A N D T H E
SAMPLER
Art of
Meeting Yourself
Where You Are

sampler package: two articles plus a teleclass transcript

With Destuckification Expert Havi Brooks

 Copyright © 2007 Havi Brooks • The Fluent Self

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced mechanically,

electronically, or by any other means, including photocopying without written
permission of the publisher. The original purchaser is authorized to make one
printed copy for personal use.

Book design by Calyx Design

Havi Brooks web: www.fluentself.com 3527 NE 15th Street #220

The Fluent Self email: [email protected] Portland, OR 97212
(rewrite your patterns)
 C o ntent s

T E L E S E M I N AR  1
In which we are graciously welcomed to the Emergency Calming
Techniques teleclass  1

In which we do a quick body “check-in” and get to connect to our

intention for the class 1

In which we define “stuckification” and have a good laugh at ourselves 3

In which we say a few words about resistance to the process 5

In which we try out a powerful calming technique and space out a little 6

In which we learn about the value of practicing when you are already calm  9

In which we learn more about the art of self-talk and how to do it right 11

In which we learn about using calming techniques to treat past

experiences 16

In which we talk about ways to use calming techniques when dealing

with other people 19

In which our hour comes to a close and we absorb what we have learned  22

In which I offer a serious discount just for the people listening or reading 25

E x p e r t a d v i ce y o u c a n feel f r ee t o i g n o r e 26
Gee, thanks for the paradigm shift 26

What’s the problem? 26

The five puzzle pieces 27

Putting it all together 28

T he s te p e v e r y o ne s k i p s o n the w a y t o c a lm  29
Step 1 on the way to calming the heck down (the one everyone skips)  29

Grumble, stooopid paradox, grumble grumble 30

Don’t make me stop and smell any roses, goshdarnit! 31

Special offer on the new Emergency Calming Techniques

e-book/audio package 33

Thanks for reading.  33

Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 1

T E L E S E M I N AR
The participants of this teleseminar are Havi Brooks,
pictured at left with her assistant Selma, and various
Audience Members who are collectively referred to as
“AM”, in a clever time-saving abbreviation.

In which we are graciously welcomed to the Emergency

Calming Techniques teleclass
Havi: Hi, welcome, everyone. Thanks for being here. This is
Havi Brooks with the Fluent Self, and we are here talking
about emergency calming techniques and smart, useful
ways to stop a freak-out moment in its tracks. We have
an hour together, maybe just a tad more if there are a ton
of questions. Keep in mind that an hour is a good chunk
of time to get some powerful work done. An hour is a
gift – you’d be amazed what can happen in an hour. But
no matter how much or how little time we get to spend
together, I always like to start out with a body check-in.

In which we do a quick body “check-in” and get to

connect to our intention for the class
We do this body check-in work for a couple of reasons.
We do it to tune in. We do it because the body stores a lot
of information and so this can be a good way to get some
answers. We do it to quiet some of the background noise,
so we can be a little more receptive to the kind of positive
patterns we want to establish.

And also – it’s a great way to come into the class. I know
it’s tempting to multi-task and have a million things
going on, or sometimes you can get into a state of physi-

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 2

cal discomfort especially if there is a phone smooshed

between your ear and your shoulder. Or sometimes the
theme we’re discussing brings up some emotional dis-
comfort which can trigger physical discomfort. So, as I
always say, we don’t want to be using our mind at the ex-
pense of the body; we want everything to be in harmony.

So… let’s just go in and take a look… grounding your feet

into the floor, consciously noticing how you are sitting,
where any tension is located in your body, and bringing
your attention to the breath.

If your body is hinting that it would like you to do some-

thing to help it feel more comfortable, then do it. Maybe
this means releasing your shoulders, relaxing any tension
in your jaw or forehead, sitting up straighter, just check-
ing in. And if you’re not getting a bunch of signals or in-
formation from the body, don’t worry about it. This isn’t
something that comes intuitively to everyone. There’s no
right or wrong, just noticing and paying attention. And
breathing.

Take a moment to smooth out the breath just a bit; your

brain waves will always synchronize themselves to your
breath. So if things are kind of busy or noisy in your head,
breathing consciously and evening out the breath will
clear away that chaos and give you some room to think.

Good. Bring your focus to what you’d like to receive or

take away from this call. We have this time together and
you know from experience that sometimes even a very
short time can be enough to set off a chain of reactions,
to plant seeds, or to make an internal or mental shift that
can lead to all sorts of wonderful things. So ask yourself,

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 3

what would you like to take away from this time together?
If you could get one thing out of this, what would it be?
Taking a moment to get quiet and allow yourself to have
this intention.

Very nice. And slowly coming back, bring your attention

back…

Any reactions? How did that feel?

AM: Amazing.

AM: Lighter, like there’s more atmosphere, more relaxed.

AM: The breath is really great.

Havi: Ah, breathing. It’s the best.

In which we define “stuckification” and have a good

laugh at ourselves
Havi: Okay, now that we’ve settled into the body a little, we
can interact with the mind. We’re here to talk about specific
things that we can do when we are dealing with what I like
to call stuckification. I made this word up because there just
wasn’t a word in English that summed up what I was look-
ing for. And by stuckification I basically mean all the things
that come together to result in our feeling like everything is
just terrible. That familiar, “here I am again” stuck place.

So “stuckification” might mean feeling stressed, frustrat-

ed, annoyed, sad, helpless, furious, irritated or cranky. It
might be that we’re dealing with a particularly challeng-
ing situation or a particularly challenging person, as the
case may be . It might be that we have no idea at all what
is triggering this stuck feeling, but here we are.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 4

What’s happening here is that our “stuff” is coming up. Right?

Everyone has stuff? Everybody has stuff. Baggage, issues, the
parts of our emotional make-up, our past, our experiences
– all these hurts that come up as a reaction to whatever is
currently going on in our lives. Something pushes your but-
tons and all of a sudden things are not going smoothly. It’s
not very enjoyable and maybe even really scary.

In general, people – and by people I mean me, and my

clients and everyone I know – people react to stuckifica-
tion in different ways. Maybe you get really hyper. Maybe
you scream and yell and throw furniture. Sound familiar?
Maybe you crawl back into bed and hide. Maybe you shut
off completely.

Or maybe you bulldoze through it and pretend it isn’t hap-

pening. Never a good idea. That one will always come back
to bite you on the behind.

Or maybe you go into what I call Distractor Mouse mode,

where you become a distractor mouse and totally avoid
both the situation and the feelings that are coming up in
response to the situation. Right? You check your email a
thousand times, flip through the catalogs in your recycling
box, decide to research something random on the internet,
like how to turn your old stereo into a butter churn. Maybe
that’s just me.

So even though I talk a lot about Emergency Calming Tech-

niques, and freak-outs and meltdown moments, you’re not
always going to be dealing with that Scream Moment where
you just have to pull out your hair and have a good old-
fashioned temper tantrum. Sometimes it’s more like a slow,
steady build-up of stuck.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 5

But either way, whether your particular pattern is a slow

build-up or a moment of panic, I think we all know that
these strategies are not working for us. So I’d like to go
straight into stuff that does work for us.

Questions this far? We’re all clear on stuck?

AM: [laughs] Yeah, sounds vaguely familiar.

AM: I think we might know what you’re talking about.

Havi: Oh, yes, stuck. We’ve all been there. Once or twice.

In which we say a few words about resistance to the

process
Havi: I’d like to play a little today with the concept that
I wrote about in the last newsletter: meeting yourself
where you are. But first, before we even go there, let’s talk
a little about how much resistance we have to meeting
ourselves where we are.

There is a huge fear. A fear that if we meet ourselves

where we are, if we let ourselves be the way we are, if we
let ourselves feel safe being who we are, if we rest into
that safety, there’s a fear that everything will go horribly
wrong. There’s a fear that with this kind of permission,
we’ll just end up doing nothing. Or worse. We’ll end up
eating burritos all day and watching TV until we turn
into depressed slugs obsessing over weight issues, using
what’s left of our brain cells to mourn our wasted lives.

So first of all, we want to meet that fear. We want to

acknowledge that fear. And we want to remind ourselves
that this is really just our stuckification talking – our stuff.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 6

And we want to be clear that meeting yourself where you

are is not passive. It’s not throwing up your hands and
saying, “Oh well, whatever, I’m just going to let the world
steamroll over me.”

Instead, meeting yourself where you are is about taking a

conscious, active step. It’s not passive at all. It’s conscious-
ly, actively noticing what’s going on for you, acknowledg-
ing that and letting it be true – just a little, just for now
– so that you can get through that fear to discover what
your needs are – and what you can do to address them.

So that all makes sense logically, I hope, but emotionally

it’s still a challenge. It’s hard, scary stuff. And because
this is hard, scary stuff, we want to do it from a place of
quiet. And that’s where the emergency calm techniques
come in.

In which we try out a powerful calming technique and

space out a little
With your permission, I’d like
to try one together. So if every-
one would play along, and take
one hand up towards your face.
We always start with a physical
technique to ground it into the
body. Take one hand towards
your face, index and middle
fingers together and press them
into the center of the chin.

There’s a nice acupressure spot there that can help us go

a little deeper in this process. You don’t want too much

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 7

pressure but it should be enough that you can feel your

chin moving a little towards your chest, so that the neck
can be really long and extended.

You can also try tapping lightly on this spot with your
two fingers which is also very soothing. I would try both,
pressing and tapping, and see which one feels best. If
your hand gets tired, you can switch hands. If you don’t
need a hand for the phone, you might even want to try us-
ing both hands at the same time.

Close your eyes. Imagine that you can direct your breath
into these points where the tips of your fingers meet
the skin of your face. Notice how you’re breathing here.
Maybe you can soften the breath a little. If it feels good
to breathe through the nose, breathe through the nose.
Otherwise, just breathe in the way that is most comfort-
able for you.

Do a quick body scan to make sure that your shoulders

aren’t up by your ears. If you’re noticing any tension any-
where – forehead, jaw, neck, shoulders, hips, feet – say hi
to it, and then notice if that act of noticing was helpful in
releasing. Take several deep breaths here, imagining that
you can breathe through your fingertips into these pres-
sure points on your face.

And still tapping or pressing, moving into self-talk. Here’s

where we start talking to ourselves, self-talk is the best
way to respond to your doubts, fears and worries so you
can practice meeting yourself where you are right now
with compassion and patience.

Even though I have this fear, this is my fear, here it is, it’s
not the end of the world, I’m allowed to be afraid. Even

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 8

though I’m afraid that if I let myself be the way I am, ev-
erything will go horribly wrong, I know that the methods
I’m using right now aren’t working either.

This is my fear, this is my stuff, it does not define me, it’s

not who I am. This fear is just a temporary part of what’s
going on for me right now. It’s not going to be around for-
ever. It’s just right now. And the better I get at noticing my
stuff, acknowledging, witnessing, comforting… the easier
it is for me to let it float away and drift off. My fear wants
my attention. If I ignore it and tell it to shut up and leave
me alone, I can’t learn the lesson that will help me resolve
this pattern.

Even though I have all this resistance, tension, stress in

my mind, my life and my body, I’m just going to notice
that it’s there and let it be there so I can let it slip away.
I’m practicing helping myself release the stuck places. I’m
getting better at noticing when I need attention, shelter,
support. I am getting better at releasing. If there is any-
thing I’m ready to let go of, let it go now.”

I want to remind myself that I am bigger than my frustra-

tion, I am bigger than my fear, I am bigger than my hurt
and my annoyance. These are just a temporary part of
me and I am getting better at talking to them and moving
through these emotions.

I am allowed to have these feelings. They don’t define

me or say anything about who I am. I’m a person, this is
my stuff and I’m entitled, I’m allowed to have stuff. Even
though I’m still working through these stuck places, I’m
doing the best I can with the tools I have. I trust myself to
get better at this process.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 9

This is where I happen to be right now and I’m doing my

best to recognize what’s going on, and to meet myself
right here with kindness, compassion and patience.

And if there is anything that can help me in this moment,

asking for it. Ask yourself. Seriously. Anything you want.
Ask for kindness. Ask for the ability to receive kindness
from yourself and others, ask yourself for patience, trust,
support and quiet. Ask yourself for the ability to receive
all the help that you need. Ask yourself for the ability to
notice when you need attention, kindness and compassion.

Now breathing into this spot where your fingers meet

your chin, and then moving your fingers slightly away
so they are only barely, barely touching, maybe only
touching the tiniest bit. Maybe you can feel a faint vibra-
tion or a buzzing feeling. And move them the tiniest bit
away again. And slowly, release your hands. Take a deep
breath. Have a deep, happy yawn here, and when you’re
ready to come back, blink a few times, bring your atten-
tion back, take another breath here.

In which we learn about the value of practicing when

you are already calm
Havi: Now that you’re back, how about checking in with
yourself again. Ask yourself, what are you feeling and
where are you feeling it? Check in with the rest of us…
how did that feel for you? What kind of experience was
that? Any reactions?

AM: Wow, that was great… really, really relaxing.

AM: Mmmmm. Yes.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 10

AM: It’s so nice to have the guidance, and then I go back to,
maybe this is me, I go back to those moments, right now
it’s really good, I want to learn to use that voice, like you
said, that voice, that self-talk, talking to yourself. Do you
recommend practicing it when you’re calm, so that it be-
comes normal or familiar?

Havi: Absolutely. That’s a terrific question. I’m so glad you

brought that up. I absolutely would.

AM: Mmm, yeah.

Havi: Because I think what happens is, sort of a big mistake

we make, we wait for the moment. And not just with
these techniques, with any technique, whether it’s Non-
violent Communication or yoga or meditation or more
cognitive tools or whatever it is. We wait until everything
has gone horribly wrong. And then it’s a lot more work to
remember exactly how you do it… and to bring yourself
into the moment. It’s harder that way.

I would recommend practicing as often as possible and

especially when you’re not having a freak-out. Keeping in
mind that it doesn’t have to be a fifteen minute practice.
It can be a one minute practice, very brief.

It might even just be “Right now I’m going to say some-

thing nice to myself.” Or it might even be, “Right now I’m
going to notice that I’m feeling uncomfortable. And I’m
going to recognize that discomfort”.

So it doesn’t have to be, the way people tell you to say

affirmations and repeat, “I am universal perfection, ev-
erything I do is perfect”. That might not be good for you.
That might not be what you need to hear right now. It

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 11

might be triggering resistance for you. What might be

good for you might actually be something like, “Right
now I’m feeling uncomfortable being kind to myself,
that’s where I am. Here I am noticing my discomfort.”

Definitely… practicing when you’re not freaking out is

really valuable.

AM: Yes, freaking out. That’s funny, I used to say “freak-out”

all the time, I’m from Seattle originally, people don’t say
that in the Midwest.

Havi: Oh, really? What do people say in the Midwest?

AM: Hmmm, I can’t think of anything at the moment.

Havi: Oh, come on, you said you’ve got teenagers at home.
What do they say?

AM: There was a word my daughter used the other day, now
you’ve got me on the spot. It will come to me.

Havi: Okay, no worries. You’ll let me know if you think of

something. In case I ever encounter a Midwesterner in
freak-out mode. I’m teaching in Germany next week where
I believe to flip out – “ausflippen” – is still okay to say.

AM: [laughs]

In which we learn more about the art of self-talk and

how to do it right
Havi: So in terms of what we just did in the exercise, I don’t
know if you noticed, but we did some work on a couple of
different levels at the same time.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 12

There was a physical aspect for grounding, that was using

the fingers. We also used breath and paying attention to
the body, that’s more of an energy component. We used
self-talk as an technique for the emotional side of things.
There was also some mental reframing. It was subtle, I
don’t know if you picked up on it, but I used some cogni-
tive ideas or concepts to help us shift some things around.
And then when we asked ourselves for various things,
that was an awareness technique.

So we were working on five different levels at the same

time, and of course everyone responds differently to
different things. For example Suzette just said that the
self-talk was really helpful for her, that was the thing
that stood out for her. Earlier someone else said that the
breath was incredibly useful. Everyone has a favorite
– that’s one of the reasons that I used several techniques
at the same time, so that no matter how your brain works
or no matter how you work, there would be something
that you personally could plug into, something that would
be useful and helpful for you.

Any questions about that process or any reactions?

AM: Yeah, I’m wondering with the self-talk. Do you have

any… I mean, that was really good. I’m wondering, when
we do it on our own, how we can remember what to tell
ourselves with the self-talk part?

Havi: Yes, that’s good. It’s definitely practice. Let me give you
a few things, a few different suggestions. One thing, you
may have notice that I use “even though” statements a
lot, I begin a lot of phrases with “even though”. That’s
a little trick that helps your mind resolve dissonance or

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 13

resistance. You start out by saying, “Guess what? I’m

not going to fight with you.” As soon as you say “even
though”, you pretty much have to stop fighting with your-
self. Instead of saying, “Gosh I’m so depressed” on the
one hand, or you force yourself to repeat affirmations you
don’t believe – “Everything is fine, everything is great, re-
ally, I mean it”, now that creates resistance. But when you
say, “Even though I’m dealing with frustration, stress and
tension, I’m just going to let it be there”, all of a sudden
you aren’t in resistance. You’re not fighting with yourself.
It opens up some space.

Another thing you can do is find the words – sometimes

you can even come up with a phrase that you really like.
For me, I like saying “it’s temporary”. It’s temporary.
That’s a good reminder phrase for me and I use it a lot.
You might have noticed that I use words like “allowing”
and “entitled”. I’ll say, “Okay, you’re allowed to be feel-
ing what you’re feeling, it’s not the end of the world, this
feeling is temporary and allowing it to be there is going to
help you let it go”.

Again, it’s not passive but active. You can find phrases
that really work for you. You can just create one sentence,
memorize it, and have it become your reminder. So even
if you can’t come up with something brilliant and perfect
to say, that sentence will help you plug in to that state of
quiet and self-understanding. And if you’re using a physi-
cal technique at the same time, as you experienced, that
will put you into this quiet, meditative, intuitive place
where stuff will just come. I mean, everything I said just
now came right off the top of my head. I was able to do
this because I was in a state of quiet where I could access
what needed to be said.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 14

So part of it is just trusting yourself to be able to say the

right thing when you need it, and part of it is practicing.
So you might want to write down five or ten sentences that
you find helpful. and practice using them. And also, the
practice of asking for things, that’s always good. Asking
yourself for patience and understanding. The other thing
is, I would ask you specifically about which part, which
level, which aspect of that exercise was most helpful for
you, what was your thing? What do you respond to most?

AM: Me? Sorry. Well, I think a big part of it was the physical
part of the exercise because so often you can just go into
the emotion of the thing, so I think just slowing down and
getting into the body like we did, and then the other part
for me was this mental and emotional self-talk which gets
you to think constructively and not just be stuck in the
feeling. The talking through really brings you into a dif-
ferent place of thinking constructively.

Havi: Oh, that’s true, it’s nice, it’s like you’re using your
brain to talk to your heart. And vice versa.

AM: Yes, yes, exactly.

Havi: So I would recommend in this case coming up with a

few words that you find helpful – or phrases or maybe
even a sentence – that can work as a reminder or a trigger
so you can have them ready to use. Because you’re going
to find yourself in situations; emotionally-charged situa-
tions where you’re just on autopilot where stuff is coming
up and it’s so loud and saying whatever it always says
about how terrible you are and how everything is horrible.
So having a word or a phrase and a movement. It doesn’t
have to be complicated, You could just press on your chin
as we did, there are really so many physical techniques.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 15

But the idea is that you have something physical with

the mental reminder phrase. A movement and a word, to
remind yourself, “Oh right, I can slow down this process.”

And not to blame yourself at all, because a lot of times we

go into blame, especially those of us who work with medi-
tation or yoga or therapy or any of these different forms of
self-work. Ironically, because we know so many techniques
and have studied with so many different people and so on
and so forth, we have more guilt than everyone else.

For everyone else – when their stuff comes up, there they
are in their stuff. But when our stuff comes up, we have
our stuff and we also have this added layer of guilt – “Oh,
I should be able to know better, I should know how to
fix this, I’ve studied meditation and all these techniques,
I should know how to do this.” Should, should, should,
should, should. We have extra layers of guilt that say,
“If I know how to do meditation and this, that and the other,
I should be able to take care of this.” And of course the guilt
and self-recrimination just get in the way of the work.

So that’s when you want to meet yourself where you are

and say, “Hey, this is where I am. I’m having this difficult
moment, this hard time, it doesn’t say anything about
me, but that’s where I am right now, and I can’t be some-
where else. This is it, and I’m going to do what I can to
acknowledge that and practice being where I am so I can
let it pass.”

And once you get to that kind of logical thinking, the

physical techniques are going to work better, it will be
easier to breathe slowly, easier to come up with a smart,
believable thing to say to yourself. And that’s the most
important thing, that it’s believable.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 16

Not “Just get over it already!” or “I am happy, happy,

happy!” or anything like that. You don’t want to lie to
yourself because that will create more resistance. Keep-
ing in mind that it will vary from day to day. One day you
might be able to say, “Even though I’m feeling horrible
right now, I can love and accept myself anyway.” And
the next day it might not be true for you anymore. You
might not be able to say it that day. You might want to say
something like, “Even though I can’t like myself anyway
right now, even though I can’t give myself compassion
and understanding, I’m working on it, I’m doing my best,
paying attention to what’s going on for me, that’s the
work and I’m going to try to be satisfied with that.”

Or you might want to try saying something like, “Okay,

even though I can’t say anything nice to myself right now,
I’m not impressed. Oh well. So I can’t say anything nice
right now. That’s where I am.”

The more believable it is, the more powerful it will be for

you. Does that make sense?

AM: Yes, yes.

Havi: Any other questions about this aspect of the work, or

anything else you want to ask? Or anything you’d like to
work on right now, to play with or practice with?

In which we learn about using calming techniques to

treat past experiences
AM: When you’re in the middle of something that maybe
happened a few days ago, hours ago, years ago. So it’s not
a present thing, but it’s revisiting you, or you might want

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to revisit it so you are prepared, you can see how you’ve

grown? Is that a question?

Havi: You mean, how do you do it? How do you go about it?
Can you work on old stuff? Is that what you’re asking?

AM: Yes, when you bring up that stuff… will these techniques
work for that?

Havi: Yes, it works great. The way I would do it, when I work
with people I always like to do this work very carefully.
It’s always good to do a calming technique first, some-
thing physical to help you to get into that quiet place first.
You want to remind yourself beforehand that you’re in
charge of the whole process, maybe even write it down
if you like to do journaling. You want to be able to say to
yourself as a reminder: “I don’t have to stay there. I can
go in and come back out whenever I need to.” This is a
reminder that you are in control of the situation.

You want to feel safe. This is really important. You don’t

have want to start out revisiting horribly traumatic expe-
riences; you want to choose something that is work-able.
Think small. Start small. Do it in little chunks, and always
come out if you find yourself getting worked up.

A great way to do it is to go back into the past experience

as you are now. In other words, you picture the memory
of where you were when it was happening, and then you
can imagine that you are there now, whether it’s actually
now five minutes later or twenty years later, you’ve kind
of jumped in there and you’re standing there watching it
and you can freeze it, stop the scene whenever you want
and talk to the people in the situation. You can actually

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 18

communicate with the you from five minutes ago or twen-

ty years ago. You are in control of this scene.

You can actually freeze the action at any moment and say
to yourself, “Hey, I see that you are really feeling hurt
right now, I can tell you’re having a hard time, and I just
want you to know that I really love you and I am sorry
you’re hurting, this is temporary, it’s not going to last for-
ever, and even though you are feeling this hurt, pain and
distress right now, you are allowed to have it, and we’re
going to work through this.”

So you are actually talking through this situation with

what you know now. It’s as if you are talking to yourself
from now. You don’t have to go back and relive it person-
ally – instead it’s almost as if you’ve sent yourself into the
past as a third party to meet yourself where you are. Be-
cause if you couldn’t meet yourself where you were then,
the you from now can meet yourself where you were then,
with more affection and compassion.

The other way to do this work on past experiences is

through meditation where you sink into the memories.
In this case you return to the situation armed with these
phrases, this physical sensation and this energy sensa-
tion. It’s a little like time-machine healing. You go back in,
talk to the hurt, experience the calm and release the pain
trapped in the memory, which helps you alter your pat-
terns in the present. Again, this kind of work is very power-
ful, so this isn’t something I would necessarily try alone at
first. If you have a coach or a therapist or a good friend who
can guide you through it, that might be better. But if you
are already used to doing a lot of work on yourself and you
know you can handle it, these techniques are very useful.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 19

Some of my clients specifically use the audio recordings

for that as well, as a way to go and review a past situation,
and let the audio do the calming and clearing work, so
they don’t have to think about what to say.

How is that working for you? Does that answer your

question?

AM: Yes, thank you. That’s great.

In which we talk about ways to use calming techniques

when dealing with other people
Havi: That was a terrific question. Anything else people are
wondering about?

AM: I’d like to add on to that last question. If you need to re-
visit an old memory or a freak-out moment with someone
else – something that involved another person. Do you
have any added tips for doing that in a safe place?

Havi: Yes, for one thing I would definitely incorporate the freeze
option. Where you know you can freeze the scene at any time.
Sometimes I even like to “mute” the other person. You know,
in my mind, when I’m revisiting the memory, I’ll say sort of
say something to the other person like, “Okay, we’ll deal with
your issues in a minute, but I’m just turning you off for now
because I need to deal with my old self and own stuff.

So you want to go into this situation feeling like you have

a lot of power over this memory. You can stop it, you can
freeze it, you can mute one person and so on. If you feel
like it’s too much for you and you won’t be able to do this
here, choose a different memory. Start small, as I said be-
fore. Choose things that aren’t huge for you.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 20

Again, the principle is meeting yourself where you are.

You don’t want to force it. A lot of times people think, “Oh,
I have to face my issues. I have to face my fears.” And you
really don’t. You really don’t. There is no need to do that.
Why torture yourself? Why abuse yourself? There is no
reason to revisit painful situations just to experience the
pain again. There is no absolutely reason for that.

You can release pain without having to re-experience it.

You are only going in there, into the memory, as a healer
to work through some of that old stuck stuff. So choose
something where you feel like you can do the work safely.
And have some sort of sign or symbol or ritual for when
it’s time to come out. A good way to do it is to think of five
things that separate you, five differentiators, what are five
things that are different between me and this other person.

And do the opposite when you start out. When you go

into the memory with this other person, think of five
things you have in common with this person. This is if
you want to work through the situation, if you’re deal-
ing with someone where you just don’t understand their
motivation, or you don’t get where they are coming from,
and you have so much hurt and so much fear and so
much anger that you can’t meet them where they are.

What happens is that you can’t listen and you can’t pay
attention to their stuff because you really need to deal
with your own stuff. You just can’t meet them where they
are right now. Deal with your own stuff. Give yourself
that love and attention. Take care of yourself, and when
you feel more calm with yourself, think of five things that
you and this person have in common.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 21

For example, I’ll give you an example from my own life.

Sometimes when I work with different organizations,
places where I do workshops or lecture, sometimes they
don’t get back to you or return calls. And I find myself
thinking, “Oh, people are irresponsible, people are flakes,
people are unprofessional.” So I stop and say, “Okay,
what are at least five things I share with this woman who
hasn’t called me back, where is our common ground?
We both run our own businesses, we both are crazy-busy
with a million things, we both have worries about how
other people interact with us, we are both in helping
professions, we care about people, I bet she is also really
passionate about what she does.” And so on.

As soon as I have done that, I realize that I’m not angry,

because it’s all just a misunderstanding. And sometimes
just that work, clearing the misunderstanding in the head,
just the work that I’ve done in my head is enough. That’s
the crazy part – I’ll just get an email and it will all have
sorted itself out all by itself.

But the important thing is that you make this connection

where you can have empathy with this person. You don’t
have to forgive, you don’t have to let go of your anger,
because like I said, you’re meeting yourself where you are.
If you’ve got anger you’re allowed to have it. If you have
annoyance you’re allowed to have it. You’re not fighting
with these things. But once you’ve allowed them to be
there, you can create that kind of understanding where
you can think, “Okay, we have these thing in common and
a misunderstanding or a miscommunication has come up
that I’m willing to work through.”

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 22

And then it’s a little less tangled, a little less fraught with
emotional energy and there’s a lot more room for com-
munication – real communication – to take place. How
does that sound?

Does that answer your question?

AM: Yeah. Yes, thank you.

In which our hour comes to a close and we absorb what

we have learned
Havi: Well, like I said, this process does take some learning
and take some practice. Once you can do this work and
get in the habit of calming yourself down and quieting
this chaos, everything works. Everything works. You
get more stuff done and you get it done faster. You stop
worrying about why you’re distracting yourself. You stop
saying, “Why am I sitting here watching TV and staring at
my belly button?” Instead, you step out of it. Because you
are regularly meeting yourself where you are.

This is very counter-intuitive. You know, we’re not

trained to be able to do that, to meet ourselves where we
are. We’re trained to criticize and berate ourselves. “How
come I’m annoyed?” and “I wish I weren’t frustrated!”
and “Get over it already!” and “What’s wrong with you?”

You really want to be able to turn around and say, “Okay,

here I am” and then apply the techniques. Something
physical, something mental, something emotional, a com-
bination of techniques that together allow you to dissolve
it. Something to ground and calm and say, “All right, I’m
not perfect. I don’t have to be perfect. This is what’s going

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 23

on for me right now, this is just where I am. And even

though that’s not okay for me right now, I’m just going to
practice seeing what it would feel like to letting it be okay
for me right now.” That is probably the most valuable and
underrated skill that I can think of. Worth working on.

So let’s do just close by doing a quick body check again.

Tune in and see if you can remember where you were at the
start of our class and if there is any difference. If you return
to your intention or you return to your body, noticing what
has moved or changed as we have worked through these
different ideas and themes. Taking some time to let it sink
in and grow, giving yourself time to absorb all of this infor-
mation, and knowing of course that you can always send
me an email. If you have a question about any of things
things I’m always happy to help out and give some ideas.

Taking the time to figure out or decide on – whatever it

is you have taken from this class, something you have
learned or picked up, even a hint of an idea you’d like
to work on, something you’d like to play with, or think
about or start incorporating into your life. And then mak-
ing that commitment to yourself, to practice, even if it’s
something tiny, even if it’s just one idea or one concept or
something you want to think about, making that commit-
ment to yourself. Sealing it in.

And yawning. Because it always feels really good to yawn.

Especially if you’re on the east coast and it’s almost bed-
time. Yawning is a great release.

AM: Haarlawarlawarrrawarramffflghaaamph

Havi: Haarlawarlawarrrawarramffflghaaamph

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques Teleseminar transcript • 24

Good. Good yawning. Any questions, reactions, themes

for next time?

Alright. Thank you. Thanks for being here today and tak-
ing this time for yourselves. And like I said, feel free to
email me whenever you’d like if you have any questions.
And I hope you all have a wonderful, wonderful evening.

AM: Thank you!

Havi: Of course. Thank you. Take care, everyone and

good night!

AM: Good night. n

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques article: expert advice you c an feel free to ignore • 25

Want more on the theme of Emergency Calming Techniques?

Enjoy these two bonus articles below…

B o n u s A r t i cle # 1 :

E x p e r t a d v i ce y o u c a n feel
f r ee t o i g n o r e

Gee, thanks for the paradigm shift

Hanging out in the waiting room of my doctor’s office the other
day, I meant to catch up on some work. Instead, I got distracted
by a handout called “The Top Ten Ways to Calm Down and Get
Rid of Stress”. Or something like that. I don’t remember the
exact wording, but it was definitely ten and definitely calm.

My first thought was, Neat! Right up my alley. Especially

since I spend a great deal of my time talking people down
when they’re having a “moment”, and teaching them little
tricks so they can do it to themselves. I’m always curious as
to what else is out there, and like to keep my eyes open in the
hopes of picking up a new angle.

Well, I can’t tell you now off the top of my head what any of
the ten were, just that they were all equally useless. Things
like, “Don’t worry about things you can’t control” and “Focus
on the positive”. Ugh. Nothing sets off my inner sarcastic
smart-alec like inane bits of inadequate wisdom.

What’s the problem?

You know a piece of advice isn’t working when the only pos-
sible response is rolling your eyes. As in, “How on earth am

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques article: expert advice you c an feel free to ignore • 26

I supposed to do that?” Or, “If I were able to instantly stop

worrying about things I can’t control, I wouldn’t need a top
ten list, would I?” It’s hard to imagine anyone saying, “Oh,
what a relief. Thank you, I’ll just focus on the positive then.
I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of that myself.”

I know, it’s well-meant. And I appreciate the intention. Inten-

tion is awesome. Yet intention is only part of calming down.
To be specific, it’s one of five parts. And each of these parts is
more effective in conjunction with the others.

The five puzzle pieces

A lot goes into quieting the thoughts and calming the mind. One
piece of it is intention – the energy behind the desire to tune into
yourself and get quiet. Call this important bit the awareness piece.

Another piece is the cognitive angle. A choice bit of advice

(not for the commonsensically-challenged) or a good way to
reframe the situation. This is the mental piece.

There’s also meeting yourself where you’re at with a healthy

dose of kindness and compassion, and then talking through
your “stuff”. That’s the emotional piece.

And of course you want to do something with your body. First

of all, just to help you get focused and grounded, but also be-
cause of all the “fairy dust” you can access through using pres-
sure points to stimulate nerve endings. Using your body helps
you talk to the brain. That’s the physical piece.

Then there’s all the stuff you can do that isn’t visible, like con-
scious breathing techniques that help the brainwaves synch up
to the breathwaves, or using perception or visualization tech-
niques to enter a state of calm. That’s the energy piece.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques article: expert advice you c an feel free to ignore • 27

Putting it all together

It sounds like a lot, but that’s the way it works best.

Try it:

Starting with the physical piece, plant your feet on the floor
and sit up straight. Take your index and middle fingers to-
gether, and press gently but firmly right on the filtrum (the
spot right under your nose and above your mouth). Keep it
there as you move through the rest of the steps.

Moving to the energy piece: let your breathing slow and become
more conscious. Do a quick body scan and find out if there’s any
tension in the shoulders, neck or jaw you can let go of.

Now the emotional piece. “Even though there is stress in my

life, and I have plenty of reasons to be freaking out right now,
I’m allowed to be stressed. I want to remind myself that I’m
human, I have stress like everyone else, and that I’m doing the
best I can. This temporary moment of stress does not define
me. I am getting better at noticing when I need support and
kindness.”

Onward to the mental piece: “What would it feel like to be

able to let go of some of this stress? Is it possible that there
is something my stress is trying to tell me? Do I need to slow
down? Do I need some more people on my team? I’m willing
to use this moment to learn something useful about myself.”

Straight to the awareness piece – ask yourself for the qualities

that would be most useful for you right now. Or affirm that
you are open to receiving the help, strength and support that
you need.

Feel just a tiny bit better? Good. n

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques article: the step everyone skips on the way to c alm • 28

B o n u s A r t i cle # 2 :

T he s te p e v e r y o ne s k i p s o n the
w a y t o c a lm ( i ncl u d i n g me )

Step 1 on the way to calming the heck down

(the one everyone skips)
Whenever you’re flipping out or just having a bit of a “mo-
ment”, the tendency is to jump in right away and search for
the way out. And when you don’t find it, you feel more an-
noyed, more frustrated, more helpless. It happens even to
those of us who have been working on these issues for years.

You want to fix the situation so you can feel better. And may-
be part of you also feels guilty about the fact that you’re even
having a freak-out. Or angry about not being in control. And
that’s when all the shoulds start showing up:

“I should be able to handle this. It’s not even such a

big deal.”

“I should know better.”

“I should be able to just snap out of this already.

What’s wrong with me?!”

And it’s all because you’ve skipped the most important step,
which is meeting yourself where you are.

Meeting yourself where you are means that you stop and say
to yourself:

“You know what? Where I am, right now, is in this freak-out

moment. The freak-out is temporary, of course, and it doesn’t

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques article: the step everyone skips on the way to c alm • 29

define me, but it’s happening. This is what is going on for me

right now. I’m allowed to be here.”

When you’ve recognized and acknowledged that you are in

the middle of the meltdown, take a second to be there. Re-
mind yourself that you are allowed to be feeling whatever it
is you’re feeling.

You don’t have to fix anything yet.

Grumble, stooopid paradox, grumble grumble

I know, it’s pretty counter-intuitive. And probably kind of an-
noying, given that you understandably want to get out of the
moment as soon as possible.

However, consciously acknowledging what’s going on with-

out trying to bulldoze through it is the key to being able to let
it go. If you skip this step, it’s just too easy to start fighting
with yourself and forcing things on yourself. You’re in a state
of resistance. And when you’re in resistance, techniques and
advice are seeds that just can’t grow.

I teach all kinds of calming techniques that you’ve probably

never heard of: bits of acupressure magic, little-known yoga
secrets, unconventional cognitive tools, advanced self-talk
techniques, plus a whole set of very powerful perception and
meditation exercises. And with every single technique, it’s vi-
tal to start with the concept of meeting yourself where you are.

None of these techniques works in a vacuum. In fact, every

one of them is based on the idea that we’re not trying to
change the situation; it’s about helping you be in the situa-
tion. Once you’re there, you can use the techniques to their
full effect and enjoy the results.

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques article: the step everyone skips on the way to c alm • 30

Don’t make me stop and smell any roses, goshdarnit!

A lot of times when we get stuck and try to cheer ourselves up,
we fall back on the same useless, irritating phrases that other
people use on us (they do mean well, but somehow don’t re-
member that this kind of thing doesn’t actually work).

Why do these phrases get on my nerves?

“Oh, don’t cry.”

“It’s not that bad, don’t feel bad.”

“Come on, you need to pull yourself together and snap out
of it.”

“You’re bigger than that.”

“You know, in ten years you won’t even remember this.”

“Look on the bright side.”

You probably felt it as you read them; all of these phrases

create resistance.

And they do this because they don’t meet you where you’re
at right now. They’re trying to yank you right past your
“stuck”... but “stuck” doesn’t work that way. If you are feeling
sad, frustrated, hurt, fearful, upset, angry or resentful, these
emotions are trying to tell you something. Instead of finding
out what that thing is so you can give yourself comfort, these
phrases act to suppress them. Your feelings are being told
that they don’t have a right to exist.

It’s not until you give your feelings acknowledgment and legiti-
macy that you’re ready to move forward – to use helpful tech-
niques, to interact with good advice, to take positive action.

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The real work is getting there. Sure, silver linings abound,

but you have to experience the cloud first. When life gives
you lemons, you’re allowed to feel sad, frustrated and an-
noyed before you decide to squeeze them on your salad,
plant the seeds in your yard, or ask your friend’s mother for
her iced tea recipe. Before you ask “what can I do with what
these cards I’ve been dealt?”, feel what you are feeling. Once
you allow yourself to be where you are, you’ll be able to start
taking steps towards someplace better. n

L OV E T H i s s t u ff ? Int r i g u ed ?

Awesome. Come hang out with me and Selma on the blog –

www.fluentself.com/blog

W A N N A PRA C T I C E SO M E

E M E RG E N C Y C A L M I N G T E C H N I Q U E S ?

Let me invite you to be my guest for the next Habits Detec-

tive open teleseminar where we’ll be breaking out the fairy
dust. In addition to practicing some techniques, we’re also
going to be talking about what to do when stress kicks in,
how to deal, and the one thing to remember when you’re
“having a moment”.

There’s no cost to join in, but I do need you to save your

place by registering here: www.fluentself.com/teleclass

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques 32

Thanks for reading.

Hope to hang out with you on the
next teleseminar!
Stay well and be in touch.

Warm wishes,

– Havi (and Selma the duck)

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Emergenc y C alming Techniques 33

www.fluentself.com