Doll Unhaunted

__________________________

By Joseph Frost

For Dan Buck, and the Curio Podcast

Contact:
Joseph Frost
710 Newland St
Jackson MS 39211
[email protected]
Member, Dramatist's Guild
 The sound of a door buzzer.

Lights up.

A man, TERRY, in his early 50’s, in a small

shop. By the number of boxes and haphazard
organization, it would seem like his business is
primarily online or mail-order.

Terry is scooting his way through the boxes and

inventory with some difficulty.

TERRY
Coming. Hold on.

Buzz.

TERRY
Shoot--

Terry falls down in the mess.

Buzz.

TERRY
(on the floor, hidden)
I’m on my way, just hold up.

Terry emerges from the pile near the door.

Buzz.

He realizes he can’t open the door with boxes in

front of it.

TERRY
Hey. Let me just--

He pulls a box or two away from the door so it

can open.

TERRY
There we go.
 2.

Terry pulls the door open.

Standing there is ALICE, a woman that’s either

40 or possibly 80. She stands there with her
hands behind her back.

TERRY
Hey there. Sorry about that. I... there’s a lot of stuff in the way of the door. I don’t
usually have people meet me here--

ALICE
Did we or did we not agree to meet at 9:45?

TERRY
Yeah, like I said, I don’t usually do appointments. This isn’t like, an active shop that
people stop in and browse.

ALICE
When I make appointments, I keep them.

TERRY
And you did. I mean, here we are. Look at us.

A moment.

ALICE
Shall I come in?

TERRY
Well, I suppose, if you have to. Um...

Terry tries to clear enough space for Alice to

follow him in.

TERRY
Watch your feet, though. I don’t worry about the stuff, more worried about you, ma’am.

ALICE
My worries are entirely focused on one thing, sir.

TERRY
Ah. Right. You said there was something wrong with the merchandise you ordered.
 3.

ALICE
There is. And I expect you to correct it at once.

TERRY
Well, I strive for customer service.

Alice takes a heavily judgmental look around

the room.

TERRY
You know, you could have filled out an online feedback form. Or requested a return.

ALICE
Even in our age of electronic solutions, I still believe that presence... is paramount.

TERRY
Oh.
(how do you respond to that)
What exactly is the nature of your concern?

ALICE
I believe our issue to be one of false advertising.

TERRY
False advertising?

ALICE
Precisely.

TERRY
I don’t--

ALICE
You made claims that I’m afraid are untrue.

TERRY
Look--

ALICE
You lied.

TERRY
Whoa. That’s a bit much, Misses....

ALICE
Alice.
 4.

TERRY
Alice. I don’t want to get into the nature of internet sales or anything, but I’ll say that, in
my experience, being a little... creative with the product descriptions has always proven
to generate more interest in some of the more... niche products I sell. So, if something
there misled you, I’m sorry, but being a little loose and jokey has been a successful
strategy for me.

ALICE
Am I a joke to you?

TERRY
Oh no. That’s not what I meant. At all. No.

ALICE
I assure you that I am not accustomed to being made fun of.

TERRY
Certainly not, Alice. I promise. I do not think you are a joke. I meant that I tend to joke
around as I write the descriptions of products. So if you took something I meant
facetiously as honest, that’s where there’s a misunderstanding.

ALICE
Ah. I see. Cheek.

TERRY
What?

ALICE
You intended to be cheeky in your writing.

TERRY
Yes. Sure.

ALICE
I do not find your cheek amusing.

TERRY
Can I ask what it was you bought?

ALICE
I purchased...
(pulls a doll from behind her back)
This doll.
 5.

The doll is certainly an antique. Ceramic face

and an outfit from the early 20th century. It’s
bright eyes are wide open, with a fixed red
smile. It is creepy, but not in a way any
different from any other doll from that era.

TERRY
Ah. Yes. I shipped this last week. I took a little bit of a loss on it, I’ve had it for so long.
Yeah.
(beat)
What’s the problem?

ALICE
Your description of the doll itself was reasonably accurate.

TERRY
There were like ten pictures of it.

ALICE
Yes. So there was no dissatisfaction in its appearance.

TERRY
No?

ALICE
No.

TERRY
Then...

ALICE
There were some other elements of its description that were, indeed, deciding factors in
its purchase.

TERRY
Oh. I mean... Yeah, I don’t remember what I said.

ALICE
You claimed that it was from upstate Michigan.

TERRY
Oh. Yes.

ALICE
I had inquired what exactly you meant by that, for I was unfamiliar with the term.
 6.

TERRY
Michigan?

ALICE
Upstate Michigan. Upper Peninsula, Michigan, or the tip of the mitten - Mackinaw City,
Indian River, Petosky, Rogers City...

TERRY
Yeah, I don’t know. I was told something about Michigan, and I don’t remember
specifically what neighborhood it was from.

ALICE
You claimed it’s original owner, a young child you called “Regina” had been given the
doll as a St. Swithin’s Day gift when she was eight years old.

TERRY
(chuckles)
Yeah.

ALICE
This is untrue, I take it.

TERRY
It could be true.

ALICE
Fine.

TERRY
Look, I gave it a backstory so it’d seem more intriguing.

ALICE
You succeeded mightily, sir.

TERRY
Awesome.

ALICE
Is there even a St. Swithin’s Day?

TERRY
Yes, but I don’t remember when it is. June or July something.

ALICE
And I assume there is no Regina.
 7.

TERRY
I’m sure there is one, but no clue if she owned this creepy little thing.

ALICE
Sir.

TERRY
Sorry. I’m sure they’re totally cool to own. Maybe there’s clubs of old ladies like you
that own a ton of them.

ALICE
That is not the last claim you made.

TERRY
Oh?

ALICE
You insinuated... that the doll... was haunted.

Terry can’t hold in his laughter.

ALICE
I’m sure you find this all very amusing...

TERRY
Yeah, I said it... wrote it flat out. This doll is haunted.

ALICE
Indeed. However, the doll is, in fact, not haunted.

TERRY
How... how do you know?

ALICE
I have had this doll for exactly one week, and there has not been a single sign of
supernatural activity, extra-human interference, or an ounce of haunt within.

TERRY
(after a very slight pause)
Did you watch it twenty-four seven?

ALICE
I purchased this doll for very specific reasons...

TERRY
And being haunted was one of them?
 8.

ALICE
What ever happened to the customer always being right?

TERRY
I have no idea. What did happen to customers being right?

ALICE
Sir...

TERRY
Look, I said it was haunted to make it more interesting, but I wasn’t serious.

ALICE
You lied.

TERRY
Sure. I lied.
(she just looks at him)
What do you want me to do about it?

ALICE
I paid for a haunted doll. I want a haunted doll.

TERRY
I sold you the doll I have. You expect me to haunt it for you?

ALICE
I expect a haunted doll!

TERRY
Look at it’s creepy-ass face, lady! It don’t get any more haunted than this!
(beat)
I don’t care. I’ll give you a refund.

Terry has managed to get past Alice and is

backing her up toward the door.

ALICE
And I have returned the doll to you.

TERRY
No no no no. I do not want this freaky thing in my shop. You bought it, you keep it. I’ll
refund you electronically, but you, and it, have got to get out of here.

Terry continues to get her to the door.

 9.

ALICE
I have my integrity sir. You refund my money, I will not be considered a thief.

TERRY
You’re not a thief! I give you this doll. Freely. Consider it a St. Swithin’s Day gift.

ALICE
That’s in July.

TERRY
It’s early.
(beat)
For next St. Swithin’s Day.

He has her at the door. She has the doll in hand.

Alice stands at the open door.

Terry takes a few steps back.

ALICE
Well, thank you. But I will have to re-gift this to some other unsuspecting person, for I
have absolutely no use for an unhaunted doll!

Alice turns to go out the door.

She stops and bends her ear to the doll.

ALICE
(quietly)
What?
(beat)
I told you it would work
(beat)
Maybe next time you won’t doubt me.
(beat)
Yes, let’s go home and have a tea party... Regina.

Alice shuts the door behind her.

Terry stares at the door a moment.

Lights down.

End.
10.