Ray and Bo Look For the VP

by

Rodney Ohebsion

"Two veteran Washington DC cops team up with a rookie and a semi-delusional elderly
man in order to track down themissing Vice President."

INT. POLICE CAR - DAY

BO (40, slim, white, from Indiana) and RAY (35, black, Washington DC native) are in
uniform and on duty. Bo is driving.

RAY
Man. It's way too early in the morning to be investigating this kind of crime.

BO
What do you mean?

RAY
I mean, I just ate two bacon McMuffins not more than twenty minutes ago, and now
we're about to question a bunch of strangers about some dude's dingaling.

BO
Right. So I guess you prefer to ask about dingalings in the afternoon.

RAY
I'm one of DC's finest. I prefer to whup the behinds of drug dealers and killers.

EXT. LAUNDROMAT - DAY

Bo parks the car. Ray and Bo get out.

RAY
Listen, man. I'm not into this kind of case. Can you do me a favor and handle the
interviews? Like, I'll hang back, and you ask all the questions about the butt
nakedness and what not.

BO
Okay.

RAY
Thank you. I appreciate that, Bo. You're a great partner. In fact, I'm gonna call
you something that I've never called a white dude before. Bo Danson--you're my
nigga.

BO
Excuse me?

RAY
(explaining)
My nigga.

BO
(confused)
Um. What about him?
RAY
You. You're my nigga.

BO
(sarcastically)
Oh. Uh. Wow. That's, uh--yeah. That's powerful stuff, Ray. This is a really special
moment for me. I've always dreamed of having a black man address me by the n-word.
I think now it's time for us to do the black man's handshake.

INT. LAUNDROMAT - DAY

Ray and Bo enter the place. Bo walks up to three WOMEN who are standing together.

BO
Hi. Are you the three ladies, who, um, saw the butt nakedness of that flasher?

WOMAN 1
Yeah.

BO
Okay. Well. I'm Officer Danson. I'm just gonna ask you a few questions.
(takes out a pad and pen)
Now, um, can you describe the man?

WOMAN 2
He wasn't circumcised.

BO
Okay. But, uh, I'm really looking for info like age, gender, and race.

WOMAN 3
White.

WOMAN 2
But probably not Jewish. You know. He wasn't circumcised.

BO
Okay. I'll just put down Caucasian. Gentile.

WOMAN 1
He was, like, maybe forty. And, like, six feet tall, overweight, but muscular.

BO
Okay. And what exactly did he do?

WOMAN 3
Well. Before he flashed us, he looked at me and said, "I like biscuits."

WOMAN 2
And gravy.

WOMAN 3
Yeah. He also mentioned gravy.

BO
And did he mention coleslaw?

WOMAN 2
No.
BO
Okay. Very interesting. So, um--what did he do next?

WOMAN 1
Well, he was wearing a trenchcoat. And he opened his trenchcoat.

WOMAN 2
And he was naked, underneath. Let me describe his body. The assailant's chest hair
was abundant.

BO
Great. That's some good identificative data. So, he said some stuff, he flashed
you, and then what?

WOMAN 1
He went out that door.

BO
Okay. Well. We're gonna go out there and look for him. Thanks for your help.

WOMAN 2
Aren't you gonna collect fingerprints first?

BO
Ray. Put on your gloves, and collect some fingerprints.

RAY
(to Woman 2)
Lady--we're not investigating a homicide. Okay? We don't need to do that CSI stuff
for this. We're just gonna go old school.

EXT. LAUNDROMAT - DAY

Ray and Bo are standing outside of the laundromat.

RAY
Alright. So, you want to go to KFC? There's one at the end of this block.

BO
You think the flasher went to KFC to get biscuits and gravy?

RAY
Maybe. And while we're at KFC, I'm gonna get one of them Georgia Gold sandwiches.

BO
I thought you had two McMuffins this morning.

RAY
And now I want a chicken sandwich.

BO
Fine. Go get a chicken sandwich.

RAY
What kind of a racist statement is that?! Just 'cause I'm African-American, you're
telling me to eat chicken!
Bo spots HAL (40), who is standing around in a trenchcoat.

BO
Hal?

HAL
Bo. Hey. How's it going?

BO
Great. Wow. I haven't seen you since high school.

HAL
Yeah. Remember the time you told Mrs. Tucker that you weren't allowed to study
algebra, on account of your religion?

BO
Yeah. I said according to Bob Marley's rules of Rastafarianism, numbers and letters
are not allowed to be mixed together.
(in Jamaican accent)
"I don't do no five A plus seven C, Mrs. Tucker. One love."

HAL
Yeah. That was great.

BO
Yeah. By the way--this is my partner, Ray.

HAL
Nice to meet you.

RAY
Uh. Yeah. Likewise.

BO
(to Hal)
It's so weird seeing you here in DC. You live here now?

HAL
Yeah. Like, back when Senator Albertson was governor of Indiana, I was working for
him. And, you know. He became a US Senator. And I moved here with him. What about
you? What made you move from Indiana to DC?

BO
Well. I have some family in DC. And after high school, I went to college at
Georgetown. And I just stayed here.

HAL
Wow. I can't believe you're a DC police officer. This must be a crazy job.

BO
Yeah. I've seen all sorts of crazy stuff. Like, we just got a call about some
lunatic who's been flashing people.

SAL
Is that right?

BO
Yeah. Maybe you've seen him walking around here. The suspect is Caucasian, six feet
tall, hairy chest, overweight, muscular, and wearing a trenchcoat.
HAL
Hm. Well. That could describe lots of people.

RAY
Um. I'm pretty sure it describes one person specifically.

BO
What are you talking about, Ray?

RAY
What am I talking about? Your boy Hal here. Caucasian, six feet tall, overweight,
trenchcoat.

BO
Um. Hal. I know this is gonna sound like a strange question. But, uh, are you
uncircumcised?

Hal starts running away.

Bo and Ray look at each other, and then start chasing Hal.

Hal turns a corner and runs past a KFC.

Bo gains ground on Hal, while Ray lags behind and starts huffing and puffing.

Bo catches up to Hal and tackles him to the ground.

Bo waits for Ray to catch up.

RAY
I'm on my way. Hold up.

BO
I'm not going anywhere, Ray.

RAY
Well. Tell Hal to hold up.

BO
Hal. Don't go anywhere.

HAL
You smell really great, Bo. What brand of aftershave do you use?

BO
Um. Old Spice.

Ray catches up.

RAY
Man. I gotta work on my cardio.

Ray starts cuffing Hal, while Bo reads Hal his rights.

BO So. Uh. You have the right to remain silent.

RAY
(to Hal)
And I have the right to tell you to kiss my ass for making me run an eight hundred
meter dash. This ain't the Olympics, Hal.

INT. CAR - DAY

Hal is in the backseat.

Bo and Ray are in front.

HAL
(in a casual, chit chat manner)
So. What else have you been up to, Bo? Are you married?

BO
(a little confused)
Divorced. Uh. What about you?

HAL
I'm married. I got three kids.

BO
(sarcastically)
That's great.
(curiously)
So, what exactly is it that you do for Senator Thompson?

HAL
Let's just say he's fond of the ladies.

RAY
And?

HAL
And I find him some ladies.

RAY
In other words, Senator Thompson's got you running around DC, hunting for ho's.

HAL
Well. You guys know how politicians are.

BO
Yeah. I guess.

HAL
(change of subject)
You know--these are some good handcuffs. Not like the flimsy ones that I use.

RAY
What do you use handcuffs for?

HAL
Stuff. It's all legal. As in, it's activity between consenting adults.

BO
Yeah. You should focus on that type of activity. As opposed to taking off your
clothes in laundromats.
HAL
Well. A man's gotta have some hobbies. By the way--I don't take my clothes off in
laundromats. If you don't believe me, go ask my lawyer.

INT. CAR - DAY

[Later]

Just Bo and Ray are in the car.

BO
Alright. That was awkward. I dropped off my former classmate at the police station.

RAY
Maybe it was awkward for _you_. Hal didn't seem to find it particularly awkward. He
was busy chit chatting and catching up on old times.

INT. RAY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ray enters. His wife TANYA (35, black) is doing yoga, and is in the downward dog
pose.

RAY
Hey baby.

TANYA
Hi honey.

Ray gets down on all four and kisses her while she continues to do yoga. He gets
back up.

TANYA
How was your day?

RAY
(casually)
Oh. You know. Bo's old high school classmate from Indiana, this guy named Hal--we
arrested him for flashing women in a laundromat. How was your day?

TANYA
Uh. Fine. I sold two Corollas. So, uh--you arrested Bo's high school classmate?

RAY
Yeah. We even chased him down. I'm still out of breath.

She gets up from the yoga pose.

TANYA
Hm. Speaking of classmates, you know who I saw yesterday? Shablunty from high
school.

RAY
Tanya. You don't have to specify the "from high school" part. When you speak of
classmates and you mention a dude named Shablunty, I assume you mean the Shablunty
we went to high school with. As opposed to Shablunty the Supreme Court Justice, or
Mahatma Shablunty, the leader of India.
TANYA
(somewhat annoyed)
Fine, Ray. I'll rephrase my statement, so it'll be more suitable for your
consumption. "You know who I saw yesterday? Shablunty. The end."

RAY
That was better. ... You know, I haven't seen Shablunty in a while. Except for that
one time five years ago, when I arrested him outside of a Ross Dress For Less.

TANYA
What did Shablunty do?

RAY
He was simultaneously violating every penal code in Washington D.C. My partner at
the time, Richard, he wanted to arrest Shablunty for, like, ten different things. I
tried to talk him down from ten to one--but this Richard dude, he was like, "I'm
gonna bust this guy, and I'm gonna take that bottle of barbecue sauce and use it to
smack him in the damn head!"

TANYA
Barbecue sauce?

RAY
Well. I gave you the condensed version of the story. The full version takes about a
half hour to tell, and it puts the barbecue sauce into context.

INT. BO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Bo is seated at a breakfast table in a modest apartment, and eating a Swanson's
hungry man frozen dinner. His phone rings. He answers it.

BO
Hey. ... Uh--no, I'm not avoiding your calls. I just answered this call. ... Yeah,
well. I couldn't answer the previous calls, on account of I'm busy, you know,
protecting and serving Washington DC, and also, you know, I feel like even though
as far as ex-wives go, you're a fantastic one, I just figured that since we're not
married at this juncture in our relationship, we don't need to talk to each other
that often. ... Absolutely. Alimony. I'll get that over to you. ... I don't know.
Soon. ... Listen. I'm having a meeting with a very important person. ... The
President. I'm in the Oval Office. It's official police business. I gotta go.

He hangs up the phone.

INT. RAY'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Ray and Tanya continue to talk.

RAY
So, where did you see Shablunty?

TANYA
He just moved in to that new building on our block that your brother just finished
constructing.

RAY
That's an upscale building. I mean, if the rent in this building is eighteen
hundred, the rent over there must be twenty five hundred.
TANYA
It's forty three hundred.

RAY
You know, my brother is really a scumbag. He just goes ahead and builds the damn
Taj Mahal right on my block, just so he can show me up and let me know how rich he
is.

TANYA
Well, I mean, of course your brother's gonna do stuff like that. After all--the guy
is a raging douchebag.

RAY
Honey. You're black. Black people don't use the expression "raging douchebag."

TANYA
Race should not dictate what words a person does and doesn't use.

RAY
Excellent point. You're right. You know what? You got a nice, broad mind.

TANYA
I see. So, does that mean you're also gonna start using the expression "raging
douchebag?"

RAY
Hell no! As a black man, I prefer the expression "rat soup eating, junkyard jive
ass turkey."

INT. BO'S APARTMENT - DAY

Bo is seated at his kitchen table. On the table, he has an iPhone stand that has
his phone propped up, and he's using the phone to watch Larry Bird in an old NBA
basketball game. Also on the table is a jar of peanut butter, as well a plate with
a microwaved hamburger on it.

Bo uses a knife to put peanut butter in the hamburger. He then takes a bite of the
hamburger.

His cell phone rings. The caller ID says "Mom." Bo answers the call.

BO
Hey, mom.

BO'S MOTHER (ON PHONE)

Bo. Don't talk with your mouth full.

BO
You called me while my mouth was full.

BO'S MOTHER (ON PHONE)

What are you eating?

BO
Why do you want to know?

BO'S MOTHER (ON PHONE)

Because I'm your mother.
BO
Well. If you must know, I'm eating some PB 'n' B.

BO'S MOTHER (ON PHONE)

You eat peanut butter burgers for breakfast?

BO
Of course I do. I'm an Indiana boy. PB 'n' B is an Indiana classic.

BO'S MOTHER (ON PHONE)

Yeah. I know. But I figured when you moved from here to DC all those years ago,
someone in Washington would teach you that peanut butter has no business hanging
out in a hamburger. Anyways, that ex-wife of yours called me yesterday. She said
you're always late on the alimony payments.

BO
She told on me? Where does she get off calling you?

BO'S MOTHER (ON PHONE)

Bo. Are you having financial problems?

BO
Listen, mom. The next time my ex-wife calls you, just tell her, "Jose no esta
aqui," and then hang up the phone.

BO'S MOTHER (ON PHONE)

Fine. By the way--can you go visit your Aunt Iris today?

BO
Yeah. I'll go.

BO'S MOTHER (ON PHONE)

Alright. Bye, honey.

BO
Bye, mom.

Bo eats his peanut butter burger while watching Larry Bird on his iPhone. Larry
Bird scores. Bo cheers.

INT. POLICE CAR - DAY

Bo and Ray are in uniform and on duty. Bo is driving.

BO
Yesterday was kind of crazy.

RAY
What--you mean when we saw Sandra Bullock buying ice cream?

BO
Uh. No. I mean when we arrested a guy I went to high school with.

RAY
So what? Half of the people I've arrested are people I went to school with at
Washington High.
BO
Like who?

RAY
Like Shablunty. I arrested him five years ago. Right before you and me became
partners.

BO
You went to high school with someone named Shablunty?

RAY
That was his nickname.

BO
Oh.

RAY
His real name was Jequanday. Let me tell you something about Shablunty a.k.a.
Jequanday. Our senior year, he was twenty four years old. He went to high school
for the entire nineties. The whole decade. I think he was going for his doctorate
degree in highschoolology. Anyways, one day, me and Shablunty--we're chilling in
the cafeteria. And he's talking about some girl in our social studies class. He's
saying some graphic stuff. And I'm
like, "Dude--you can't be saying things like that. I mean, considering how old you
are, that's a statutory remark. If you want to say dirty stuff, say it about Vice
Principal Franklin. Bring her some tater tots and lowfat milk from the cafeteria,
and wine and dine her. Don't be going after no high
school girls." So, yeah. That's the story of Shablunty.

BO
That's a great story.

Ray sees a PROTESTER (male, 30) standing outside of a marijuana dispensary.

RAY
That dude over there is protesting something. Maybe we should tell him to stop.

BO
Uh. No. I think he can do that.

RAY
Says who?

BO
Um. I think the First Amendment. Anyways, don't have time to deal with him. I gotta
go visit my aunt for a few minutes. My mother keeps on telling me to visit her.

RAY
Where is she?

BO
She's at this senior citizen's home. It's, like, a mile from here.

RAY
Cool. Let's do this.

INT. SENIOR CITIZEN'S HOME - DAY

Bo and Ray enter. The manager JANICE (50) sees them.

JANICE
Is there a problem, officers?

BO
No. I'm just visiting someone.

JANICE
But you're in uniform,
(points out the window)
and you came here in a police car.

BO
So?

JANICE
You're on duty.

BO
And?

JANICE
You're supposed to be doing police work while you're on duty.

RAY
Lady. Have you ever heard of Washington DC's MYDB law?

JANICE
Uh. No. What's the MYDB law?

RAY
Mind your damn business.

JANICE
Excuse me?

BO
Uh. Listen, miss. We're here visiting someone that we need to question, regarding
some official police matters pertaining to, um, confidential police matters of a
policified nature.

JANICE
You need to question someone here?

RAY
Indeed we do, lady! Now would you do me a favor and stop interrogating us?

JANICE
... I'm gonna go help Mrs. Anderson with her knitting. Try not to harass anyone.

Janice walks away.

Bo spots his AUNT (80) seated on the other side of the room.

BO
There's my aunt. You want to meet her? By the way--she's, uh, slightly racist. You
know. She was raised in a different era.

RAY
Hm. I'm gonna go hang out near the oatmeal.

Bo walks away.

Ray walks up to a buffet-like table with breakfast food. He pours himself a bowl of
oatmeal and sits down at another table. THOMAS (80) is seated across from him.

THOMAS
Police? What are you doing here? Is this a drug bust?

RAY
Not quite. My partner just dropped by here to visit his aunt.

THOMAS
Oh. That's nice. I got a nephew who visits me every once in a while.

HARVEY (80, Native American) walks by them.

THOMAS
Harvey. I know you stole my trousers yesterday, you piece of garbage.

HARVEY
What the hell are you talking about, Thomas?! I didn't steal anyone's trousers, you
paranoid lunatic.

THOMAS
You did too! The white man stole your ancestors' land, so now you're trying to get
reparations by stealing the white man's
trousers, i.e. my grey Dockers.

Harvey scoff and walks away.

THOMAS
(to Ray)
That Indian stole my trousers! Anyways, I was telling you about my nephew. He comes
here every once in a while. Great guy. Except
for how he's involved in a plot to kidnap the Vice President.

RAY
(sarcastically)
You don't say.

THOMAS
Yeah. I overheard him the other day. He's working for the Ecuadorians, and he's
gonna kidnap America's Vice President.

RAY
Is your nephew Ecuadorian?

THOMAS
No. He's one of those American leftists who watch CNN and MSNBC. You see, my nephew
went to college. Colleges all promote a bunch of leftist garbage.

Janice walks up to Ray.

JANICE
Are you eating our food?

RAY
Ma'am. This is official police business.
JANICE
Oats are police business?

RAY
Do you want me to pay you for the oats?

JANICE
We don't serve the general public.

RAY
I'm not the general public. I'm the partner of a man whose aunt stays here. Now
will you please leave me alone?

JANICE
Fine.

She walks away.

RAY
That woman is a real piece of work--you know what I'm saying?

THOMAS
Absolutely. Furthermore, she has Nikola Tesla's documents tucked away in her
girdle.

Bo walks up to them.

BO
Ray. Uh. You ready to go?

RAY
I'm still working on my oatmeal. By the way--I'd like you to meet my friend Thomas.
Thomas--this is my partner Bo.

BO
He's your homosexual partner?

RAY
Police partner.

THOMAS
You can tell me if you're homosexuals. I mean, even though I'm a Republican, I vote
yes on gay props. If gays want to marry other gays, I have no qualms with that--as
long as they dress appropriately when they go the beach. A beach is not a place for
the frolicking of homos in Speedos.

BO
That's, uh, a very fresh take on the matter. But, you know. Me and Ray are just
police partners. I don't even own a pair of Speedos.

RAY
(to Thomas)
Say--why don't you tell Bo about your nephew who stole your trousers, and the
Indians who are gonna kidnap the Vice President?

THOMAS
It's the other way around! My nephew is working for the Ecuadorians, and they're
gonna kidnap the Vice President. The Indian stole my trousers.
BO
Right. Yeah. That makes more sense.

A bell rings on someone's phone.

Thomas pops up from his char.

THOMAS
What round is it?

BO
Um. That wasn't a boxing bell.
(takes his phone out of his pocket)
That was my phone.
(looks at screen)
I got a text from my ex-wife.

THOMAS
You know, I used to be a prizefighter. They called me Tommy Two Guns. I once fought
Roland LaStarza. And I sparred eight hundred rounds with Jersey Joe Walcott. He had
a fantastic left hook. He was the best left hooker in our gym.

Harvey walks by him.

THOMAS
Harvey! Where are my pants?!

HARVEY
On your legs!

Thomas walks towards Harvey aggressively.

THOMAS
Look me in the eye when you say that.

Bo gets between them.

BO
Whoa. No need to fight over pants.

THOMAS
I want to do it anyways!

He moves forward, and sends Bo back a little.

BO
(to Ray)
Man. This guy is strong.

THOMAS
Of course I'm strong. I eat oatmeal four times a day.

EXT. RAY'S CAR - EVENING

Ray is in plain clothes and driving home from work. He passes by the luxury
apartment building on his block that was mentioned earlier.
A WORKER is using a hammer to nail a sign onto something near the building's
entrance.

RAY
(annoyed)
What are you doing, man?

WORKER
I'm working.

RAY
Who says you gotta work here?

WORKER
The guy who hired me.

RAY
This is a nice quiet neighborhood. And now you gotta be making all that noise.

WORKER
How about you shut your damn mouth?

RAY
You're lucky I'm a police officer. Otherwise I'd get out the car and whup your ass.

INT. RAY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Tanya is watching TV. Ray enters.

TANYA
Hi, honey.

RAY
Let's move.

TANYA
Uh. What?

RAY
You know. I was just thinking. This apartment ain't big enough for the two of us
and the baby that's on the way.

TANYA
Baby? I'm not pregnant.

RAY
I'll impregnate you after we move to a new apartment. There ain't enough room for
me to impregnate you here. Let's move to some other place on some other street.

TANYA
Let me guess. You're still annoyed that your brother's expensive building is on our
block.

RAY
I'm not annoyed. I'm aggravated.
TANYA
What's the difference?

RAY
The difference is, there's no such thing as annoyed assault. There is such thing as
aggravated assault.

TANYA
So... if we don't move... you're gonna assault... your brother?

RAY
That's correct. Anyways--how was your day?

TANYA
Okay. You know, I saw Shablunty again.

RAY
How the hell do you keep on coming across that dude? Is he stalking you?

TANYA
No. It's just, he was out jogging, and so was I. Anyways, we started talking. And
he said something about how he wants to have a hot tub and a payphone installed in
his apartment. He said the hot tub is for the ho's. And the payphone is for the
fellas. ... How is a payphone for the fellas?

RAY
Beats me. But I understand how a hot tub is for the ho's.

TANYA
Ray. Don't refer to women as ho's.

RAY
Baby. That word is not part of my personal vernacular. I was just quoting
Shablunty. I don't call women ho's. Women are not ho's. My brother--_he's_ a ho.

TANYA
Ray. You need to do the mature thing and not talk about your brother and how he's a
ho.

RAY
That's the mature thing?

TANYA
Yeah.

RAY
And you want me to do the mature thing?

TANYA
Yes.

INT. POLICE CAR - DAY

Bo is once again driving while Ray is in the passenger's seat.

BO
...So, yeah. Her new protocol is, when I'm late on an alimony payment, she calls my
mother. ... That ex-wife of mine. She's really something.

RAY
Yeah. Well. You gotta get a woman like the one I got. She's great. I love her. A
lot. Go get a girl like her, Bo.

BO
Well. The thing is, my relationships, they get off to a nice start. But then, you
know. Things don't move along so smoothly.

RAY
So what? I mean, in a relationship, it's not always gonna be smooth sailing. Like,
me and my wife, we don't always agree on stuff. But, it's all good. You know. Like,
when it comes to relationships, that's the attitude you gotta have sometimes.

BO
Right. Yeah. You disagree--but it's all good.

RAY
Exactly. Anyways--I need to handle some business for a few minutes. Turn left at
that next light.

BO
Where are we going?

RAY
Well. You see. I gotta go handle some business. And, you know, this actually ties
into what I was just saying about relationships. Like, I mean, my
wife, she says I should be mature. But the thing is, I disagree. And like I said,
when you're in a
relationship and there's a disagreement, it's all good.

BO
So, you're saying that when your wife tells you something, you basically disregard
it.

RAY
Well. The thing about me is, I'm all about my wedding vows. The vows say "to have
and to hold." The vows don't say nothing like, "If your wife says you should be
mature, you should listen to her."

BO
Wedding vows say "to honor and obey." As in, you obey your spouse. As in, you do
what she says.

RAY
Bo. I'm a Baptist. In a Baptist wedding ceremony, they don't mention "obey." Y'all
Presbyterians and Lutherans and Episcopalians--you got that obey thing. Obedience
in marriage is not Baptist. That's why us Baptists have lower divorce rates.

INT. OFFICE (RECEPTIONIST'S ROOM) - DAY

Ray enters and walks up to the RECEPTIONIST.

RAY
I need to talk to Charles Robeson.
INT. CHARLES'S OFFICE ROOM - DAY
CHARLES (40, black, well dressed) is seated at his desk.

Ray barges into the room and closes the door.

RAY
Why don't you get your damn building off my block, Charles?

CHARLES
Uh. That's not really how real estate works, Ray. When you build a multi-story
building, it's not feasible to relocate it.

RAY
Well is it feasible for me to relocate my foot up your black ass?

CHARLES
... Am I gonna have to call security?

RAY
Don't sass me, boy. You had to build your damn luxury building right by my
building, because that's the kind of person you are.

CHARLES
I'm a real estate developer. Now how about you get out of here and go grab a few
donuts and work your beat? I'm busy. Are you familiar with the concept of busy,
Ray? That's what got me rich. Being busy with an important job. That's what us one
percenters do. People become rich through doing
something other than scarfing down Krispy Kremes and handing out traffic tickets. I
have actual work I need to do. Work of the one percent variety.

RAY
It's amazing how arrogant you are.

CHARLES
Why shouldn't I be arrogant? I work hard, and I have a net worth of fifteen million
dollars.

RAY
Who the hell goes around announcing his net worth? If I was white, I would be
calling you a douchebag right now, you junkyard jive ass turkey.

CHARLES
Ray. This is a place of business. Go play your police game somewhere else.

RAY
Game?! You think I play games? You know what police work involves? We the police be
working hard, taking down killers and drug dealers and men in trenchcoats who
frequent laundromats.

CHARLES
Congratulations. Enjoy your sixty thousand dollar a year salary.

RAY
Enjoy your multimillion dollar douchebaggery.

INT. POLICE CAR - DAY

Ray and Bo
RAY
That brother of mine. He builds a damn building on my block. He refuses to relocate
the building. And to top it off, he told me I should go get some donuts. You know.
As in, the policeman stereotype about donuts.

BO
Yeah. I'm familiar with it.

RAY
I'll be damned if I'm gonna get some donuts right now! I'm gonna get a non-donut
snack. Like chicken fingers.

BO
Yeah. that's a good idea.

RAY
Damn it, Bo! I keep telling you. You cannot agree with a black man when he says he
should eat chicken.

BO
Calm down. I'm still learning the black man white man rules

INT. SMALL DINER - DAY

Ray and Bo are at a table. Ray is eating a grilled cheese sandwich and French
fries.

RAY
You see that? Cheese sandwich. I actively combat stereotypes.

BO
Congratulations. You're a modern day Frederick Douglass.

The Diner's TV is on.

TV NEWS ANCHOR
And in other news, the Vice President did not show up for a scheduled meeting
earlier today with the Prime Minister of Canada. When White House Press Secretary
Lisa Swift was asked about his absence, she stated that the Vice President had to
attend to some personal matters.

RAY
(to Bo)
... Hm. Very interesting. The Vice President. He didn't show up to a meeting with
that Canadian dude.

BO
Yeah.

RAY
I wonder if, maybe instead of having a meeting with that Canadian, the VP is with
some Ecuadorians.

BO
Ecuadorians.

RAY
As in, the Ecuadorians who was mentioned by that charming gentleman at the senior
citizen's center.

BO
You mean the gentleman who fought eight hundreds rounds with Jersey Joe Walcott and
also had his pants stolen?

RAY
Yeah. That would be the one, Bo.

BO
Well. Let me ask you this. Do you think his pants were stolen?

RAY
Maybe.

BO
Well. Yeah. Maybe.

RAY
Yeah.

BO
Yeah.

RAY
... What the hell are we talking about right now?

BO
I don't know.

RAY
Me neither. But, like, isn't it interesting that that dude said his nephew would
kidnap the VP, and now the VP didn't show up to a scheduled meeting?

BO
How interesting is it?

RAY
That's tough to say.

BO
It is. Can I have some of your French fries?

RAY
Rule number one seven eight of racial relations. Don't be poking your nose in a
brother's fries.

INT. RAY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Ray is watching TV. Tanya walks up to him.

TANYA
Your mother called me today. She said that you got into an altercation with Charles
at his office.

RAY
He told on me to my mama?
TANYA
Ray. Have you lost your mind?

Ray's attention is on the TV.

RAY
Baby. Hold on. The news is talking about the Vice President.

NEWS ANCHOR (ON TV)

...the Vice President has not been heard from in all that time. Rumors have been
circulating that no one knows where he is--but White House Press Secretary Ashley
Michelson stated earlier today that the Vice President is merely attending to some
personal matters, and he'll address the public within a few days.

RAY
Whoomp--there it is! The VP was kidnapped by the Ecuadorians.

TANYA
Wow. You really have lost your mind. What in the hell are you talking about?

RAY
My insider source.

TANYA
Who?

RAY
This dude at the senior citizen's center. He gave me the four-one-one on the VP.
You see, this dude's nephew--he's in cahoots with the Ecuadorians. They got the VP.

TANYA
Listen, Ray. I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But let me just say this.
When you confiscate drugs, you're not supposed to _smoke_ those drugs.

INT. BO'S APARTMENT - DAY

Bo is eating potato chips and watching TV.

DIFFERENT NEWS ANCHOR (ON TV)

...and the White House is reporting that the Vice President is handling some
personal matters.

He answers a call from Ray.

BO
Hey.

RAY
Did you hear about this VP thing? The dude still ain't been seen by no one.

BO
I know. Maybe that Thomas guy really does know something.

RAY
Damn skippy he does. We'll tell the chief.

BO
But, you know. We gotta tell it to him in a way that'll make him take the whole
thing seriously.

RAY
Why wouldn't he take it seriously?

BO
Because he thinks we're basically a couple of goofballs who don 't know their heads
form their behinds.

RAY
Don't worry about that. I got this one.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Ray and Bo walk up to the CHIEF.

RAY
Chief. I need to talk to you about something.

CHIEF
What is it now, Ray?

RAY
Listen. I have a lead on the missing Vice President case. You see, me and Bo, we
was at a senior citizens' center the other day. And there was this dude. Thomas. I
was chilling with him, eating oats and stuff. And he was telling me all kinds of
stuff. He was just unfiltered. He even mentioned how
some Indian stole his trousers. And then later, he told me how his nephew was
involved in an Ecuadorian plot to kidnap the Vice President. You
know what I'm saying? He told me all about that. And then lo and behold, a day
later, where's the VP? The dude is missing.

CHIEF
The VP isn't missing. Your brain is missing.

RAY
Chief. We got a legitimate lead on this missing Vice President case.

CHIEF
One--you don't have a lead. Two--this isn't your case. And three--it's not a case
at all. The White House is saying that the Vice President is just handling some
personal matters.

RAY
And you believe them?

CHIEF
Yes.

RAY
That's for suckers. Only suckers believe the government. I don't trust none of
that. Anything governmental, I don't believe in that. If any government employee or
any government run organization says "See Spot run" you know what I do? I see Fido
walk.

CHIEF
So, you don't trust any government employee or any government run organization.

RAY
Exactly.

CHIEF
Ray. You're a police officer. You're a government employee, and you're part of a
government run organization.

BO
(to Ray)
Uh. He got you there, Ray.

RAY
You guys are talking about semantics right now. I'm not. I'm talking about a lead
in the...

CHIEF
Just do your job. Okay? No need to get involved in a missing Vice President case
where the Vice President isn't even missing. And even if he were missing, you two
derelicts wouldn't be the ones to crack this case. Now go do your job.

The CHIEF points to a ROOKIE COP (young, Asian).

CHIEF
By the way--that guy over there is Officer Yamata. He's in training. He's gonna
ride with you guys today.

BO
Why would you want us to train him? You just said that we're derelicts.

CHIEF
This is my new genius system. I have rookies ride with two of our best cops, and
then I have them ride with two derelicts like you. That way, they can note the
differences.
(to Rookie)
Yamata! You're riding with these two.

INT. POLICE CAR - DAY

Ray and Bo are in front. The Rookie is in the backseat.

RAY
So, what's the plan, man?

BO
Well. Um. I don't know. What's the plan?

RAY
I don't know. I mean, we gotta look into the case.

A few seconds pass.

ROOKIE
What case are you talking about?

RAY
Listen, Rookie. When we want input from you, we'll ask you for it! Okay? Right now,
me and my partner is doing some serious strategic discussions regarding something
that's totally over your head, since you don't know jack about didley.
(to Bo)
So. I'm saying, man. I know that that senior dude was talking all that jive about
the Indian and the trousers and what not. But still. We gotta talk to him.

BO
Well. I guess.

DISPATCHER
Car nine nine seven, we have a domestic dispute at nine nine seven Oak Street.
Over.

RAY
Yeah. Um. I guess we'll handle it.

DISPATCHER
You guess?

RAY
We'll do it. Chill.

EXT. HOME - DAY

Ray, Bo, and Rookie are at the front door. The door opens to reveal a FRENCH GUY.
FRENCH GUY 2 is a few yards behind him.

RAY
Yeah. We got some reports of a domestic dispute.

French Guy 1 turns and yells in French at French Guy 2.

French Guy 2 yells back. French Guy 1 yells in return.

BO
What language is that?

FRENCH GUY 1
French.

BO
Well can you give us a translation of what you just told that guy?

FRENCH GUY 1
No.

BO
Well can you argue with him in English?

FRENCH GUY 1
No.

The two French Guys continue arguing loudly in French.

RAY
(to Bo)
Wait. I think I can figure out what they're saying.

BO
You speak French?
RAY
Pretty much. I mean, I took two years of Spanish in high school.

ROOKIE
Even if you can speak Spanish--which I seriously doubt you can--that's not much of
an asset if you're trying to understand a fast argument in French.

RAY
Listen, Rookie. I’m bilingual. Which is more than I can say about you.

ROOKIE
I'm trilingual.

RAY
Well do you parlevue whatever these French dudes is saying?

ROOKIE
No.

RAY
Then shut your trilingual mouth while I translate this dialogue.

He listens to the French Guys arguing for ten seconds. They stop.

RAY
(to Bo)
So, yeah. From what I can gather, these two gay French dudes have been dating for
three years, and they've both also been dating the same guy on the side.

FRENCH GUY 1
We are not gay.

RAY
No need to get all homophobic.

FRENCH GUY 1
We are not homophobic, we are not gay. He is my girlfriend's brother.

BO
And what is the dispute between you and this fella?

FRENCH GUY 1
It is like we said. [Starts speaking in French]

Bo spots a bag of white powder.

BO
(to French Guy 1)
Is that cocaine?

FRENCH GUY 1
None of your business!

RAY
You know what, Frenchie? I'm getting mighty sick of your attitude. Now, we gotta go
handle something else. So, what you need to do right now is kiss and make up with
this other French dude. Capiche?

FRENCH GUY 1
May I quote your American Bart Simpson in saying, "Eat my shorts!"

He bumps into Ray.

RAY
You can eat your own shorts. And let me give you some pepper with them shorts.

He maces French Guy 1.

FRENCH GUY 1
Ah! You are a crazy cop!

FRENCH GUY 2
(to Ray and Bo)
Are you even police?!

RAY
Damn right we're police.
(to Bo)
Chi Chi. Get the yayo.

BO
Chi chi?

RAY
It's a Scarface reference. Just, you know. Get the cocaine.

BO
Roger that.

INT. CAR - DAY

RAY
Alright, Rookie. Now that's how you deal with Europeans.

ROOKIE
Are you saying you deal with Europeans one way, and you deal with Americans another
way?

RAY
Yeah.

ROOKIE
Isn't it against policy to racially profile people?

RAY
Bo--what the hell is this Rookie talking about? Policy?

BO
I don't know. Maybe he's high.

RAY
(to Rookie)
You been doing some yayo?

ROOKIE
Speaking of yayo, where did you put the drugs you just got?
RAY
In my pocket, man.

ROOKIE
Um. I hate to be a broken record. But, you know. Putting a bag of drugs in your
pocket. Isn't that against policy?

RAY
Say "policy" one more time, Rookie! I dare you. I double dare you!

BO
That's Pulp Fiction.

INT. SENIOR CITIZENS' HOME - DAY

Bo, Ray, and Rookie enter.

ROOKIE
What are we doing here?

RAY
Are you familiar with Washington DC's MYDB law?

ROOKIE
No. What's that?

RAY
Mind your damn business.

Janice walks up to them.

JANICE
What are you guys doing here?

RAY
Mind your damn business, lady.

They see Thomas sitting in a chair and watching TV. They walk up to him.

RAY
Hey, Thomas. Um. You remember me?

THOMAS
Certainly. You're the black fella who has a penchant for oats.

RAY
I have a penchant?

THOMAS
You eat oats like a horse.

BO
Listen, fella. We ain't here to talk about no oats. We're here to talk about the
Vice President.

THOMAS
Speaking of the Vice President, I got a nephew, he was hired by the Panamanians to
kidnap the Vice President.

RAY
Panamanians? The other day you said it was the Ecuadorians.

THOMAS
I said Panamanians!

RAY
Buddy. I heard you say Ecuadorians. I know. I got a great memory.

BO
(to Thomas)
That's true. He has the memory of an elephant.

THOMAS
And he has the oat eating ability of a horse. And again--my nephew is working for
the Panamanians! I never said Ecuadorians. Why would the Ecuadorians want to kidnap
our Vice President?

RAY
Why would the Panamanians want to kidnap our Vice President?

THOMAS
Why _wouldn't_ the Panamanians want to kidnap him?

RAY
I don't know.

THOMAS
Neither do I. By the way--
(referring to Rookie)
Who is this Chinaman?

RAY
Thomas. "Chinaman" is one of them words in the 1950s Klansmen-approved dictionary.
Call the man a Chinese American.

ROOKIE
I'm _Japanese_ American.

RAY
Nobody asked you, Rookie. If you want to talk about yourself, how about you get rid
of that badge and uniform, you rent a loft in the village, and you start working on
your autobiography? Right now we're trying to perform a police investigation.
(to Thomas)
Now, this nephew of yours--can you tell us more about him?

THOMAS
Sure. But first bring me that blonde from Baywatch.

BO
Pamela Anderson?

THOMAS
Any blonde from Baywatch. You bring a blonde Baywatch bimbo here, and I'll tell you
coppers about that nephew of mine.

BO
Well can you just tell us a little something about your nephew?

THOMAS
Bring the bimbo! You deliver her according to my specifications, and I'll deliver
the intel.

BO
We'll, uh, try to track down that Baywatch actress. But can you just tell us your
nephew's name?

THOMAS
The ball's in your court, buster. No bimbo, no dice. You got that, copper?

EXT. SENIOR CITIZEN'S HOME - DAY

Ray, Bo, and Rookie walk to their car.

ROOKIE
Who the hell was that guy?

RAY
Listen. All you need to know is that yesterday, he told us that his nephew was
finna to kidnap the Vice President. And then today, that Vice President
disappeared.

ROOKIE
Does the Chief know about this?

RAY
The Chief knows about this. Furthermore, the Chief got his head buried three feet
deep in his own white rectum.

BO
I don't see how race has any relevance to this.

RAY
Touche.
(to Rookie)
The Chief got his head buried three feet deep in his own rectum, and the fact that
he's white has no relevance to any of that. Anyways, if we want to
solve the VP case, first things first, we gotta, um, you know. We gotta track down
Pamela Anderson.

BO
Thomas said any blonde woman from Baywatch.

RAY
Right. Yeah. That makes our task much easier. Instead of going to Hollywood and
finding one specific white ho, we gotta go to Hollywood and find one of _ten_
specific white ho's.

BO
"White ho" is a racist term.

RAY
Not when _I_ use it. I'm not racist. After all--I got a gay cousin; plus, my wife's
sister's husband is half white.
ASIAN ROOKIE
Is this how you guys do police work?

RAY
Yes, Rookie! It's all about effective communication. Me and my partner--we're
discussing how we gotta deliver one blonde Baywatch ho to Thomas.

BO
Listen. We can just deliver _any_ blonde ho, and we'll tell Thomas she was on
Baywatch.

RAY
... Hm. I guess that'll do the trick. Rookie--what do you think?

ROOKIE
I think...

RAY
It doesn't matter what you think!
(to Bo)
What reference was that?

BO
Uh. Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men?

RAY
Pretty close. It was The Rock, before he whupped Stone Cold Steve Austin.

INT. FLOWER SHOP - DAY

Bo, Ray, and Rookie enter. KATE (40) is standing behind the counter.

BO
Hi, honey.

KATE
Don't call me honey.

BO
I have to call you honey. After all--I'm extremely fond of you.

KATE
Is that right?

RAY
It's right, Kate. My boy Bo--I'm telling you, this man, he always says good things
about you. We're busy driving around, doing our police work and what not, and Bo
just goes on and on about how, "Oh, you know, my ex-wife, she's really something.
She's, uh--she has a great smile, and a great personality, and she cooks a mean mac
and cheese, and she arranges flowers in an extremely artistic manner." I'm telling
you--Bo always says stuff like that.

KATE
And does he also explain why he cheated on me?

RAY
Well. I mean, you know. Bo--help me out here.
BO
(to Kate)
We've been over this a hundred times, honey. I cheated on you because of the
intimacy drought we had.

KATE
Two weeks is not a drought! Other couples a month without sex, and that doesn't
make the husband feel compelled to cheat.

BO
Ray. Help me out here.

RAY
(to Kate)
You see, it depends on what you mean by the word "compelled." I mean, the same term
can have different meanings.

ROOKIE
That's true. Just a few minutes ago, we were exploring the term "white ho."

KATE
Who is he?

BO
He's Rookie.

ROOKIE
My name is Robert.

RAY
Listen, Rookie. We're not interested in hearing your recitation of your name. If
you want to say your name, put it in your autobiography.

BO
(to Kate)
Anyways, Kate. It's really great to see you.

KATE
And what do you want?

BO
I just want to see you. Also, if you're not busy, do you want to go down to the
senior citizens' center?

KATE
What for?

BO
We can eat some oats and talk to my cousin Thomas.

KATE
You don't have a cousin Thomas.

BO
He's, you know--my second cousin. He's a great guy. And he's a big fan of yours.

KATE
Why would he be a fan of mine?
BO
Well. You know.
(to Ray)
Help me out, Ray.

RAY
(to Kate)
Listen. This Thomas fella, he seems to be under the impression that you was on
Baywatch.

KATE
Why's he under that impression?

RAY
I don't know. Why's he under the impression that _an Indian stole his trousers_?

KATE
What the hell are you guys talking about!?

BO
Kate. Just do me a favor.

A DISPATCHER is heard on Ray's radio.

DISPATCHER
Car one twenty seven, we have a domestic dispute at three three seven Oak Lane.

BO
(into handset)
We're busy handling another domestic dispute. This one's a real doozy. We might be
here for a few hours.
(to Kate)
Honey. Can you just go to the senior home?

KATE
Stop calling me honey.

BO
Fine. Kate. Listen. When we got divorced, I agreed to give you our cat, and our
daughter, and our apartment, and our TV. So, yeah. I agreed to that, and you agreed
to be a cooperative ex-wife.

KATE
I'm a very cooperative ex-wife. Any time you want to see Lizzie, I let you see her,
no questions asked.

BO
Indeed. Yes. You know what? I was just telling Ray what a great ex-wife you are.

RAY
(to Kate)
He talks about that all the time. All day, every day, he's all like...

KATE
I get the point. Okay, guys.

JEN (30) is also working in the flower shop.

KATE
Jen. I'm gonna go assist my lunatic ex-husband with whatever lunatic plan he has in
mind. I'll be back in a half hour.

BO
It might take longer than that.

KATE
I'll be back in a half hour.

INT. CAR - DAY

Bo is driving. Kate is sitting in the front passenger's seat. Ray and Rookie are in
the back.

RAY
You know, the correct police procedure is for officers to sit in the front of the
car.

KATE
Thanks for sharing that info with me, Ray. Now do me a favor and shut your mouth.

INT. SENIOR CITIZEN'S HOME - DAY

Ray, Bo, Rookie, and Kate enter. Janice approaches them.

JANICE
It's you guys again?

RAY
We're working on a very important case. Now where's Thomas?

JANICE
He's probably playing Bingo. What do you want from him?

RAY
Miss. That's classified information. Okay?

JANICE
(notices Kate)
I see you've added a new member to your gang.

KATE
(with hostility)
I'm not part of this gang of misfits.

JANICE
(to Ray and Bo)
I like her.

INT. ROOM - DAY

Ray and Bo enter. A Bingo game is taking place, and the participants include an
ANNOUNCER (80), Thomas, and Harvey.

ANNOUNCER
B Fifteen.
HARVEY
Bingo!

THOMAS
Let me see your card, Harvey.

HARVEY
You're not the verifier.

THOMAS
Anyone can verify anyone's Bingo ticket. That's the first rule of Bingo.

HARVEY
That's not a rule!

RAY
Uh. Listen, y'all. We're the police. We, um, we got jurisdiction over this Bingo
game. And, um, let me see that ticket.
(examines Harvey's ticket)
(examines Thomas's ticket)
You both won.
(takes money out his wallet and hands them each a dollar)
You both get a dollar. Now, um, Thomas--we gotta borrow you for a sec.

INT. SENIOR CITIZEN'S HOME (MAIN ROOM) - DAY

Bo, Ray, and Harvey enter the room and walk up to Kate.

BO
Thomas. I'd like to introduce you to Baywatch babe Kate Danson.

KATE
Actually, Danson was my name when I was married, and now I go by my maiden name.

RAY
McGillicuddy?

KATE
Clemens.

BO
Yes. Kate Clemens.

THOMAS
Nice to meet you, Miss Clemens. So. You're single?

KATE
Yes.

THOMAS
Fantastic.

KATE
It's quite delightful.

BO
(to Thomas)
Okay, Thomas. We delivered the bimbo.
KATE
Bimbo?

BO
(to Thomas)
Now tell us about your nephew.

THOMAS
Well. First tell Miss Clemens to put on a bathing suit.

BO
The terms of the deal didn't state anything about a bathing suit.

RAY
Hey. Let's not be so quick to dismiss the idea. Miss Clemens did a lot of great
acting on Baywatch--so it makes sense that she should reprise the role by using the
original wardrobe from her show.

KATE
I'm not gonna wear a bathing suit in a senior citizens' home.

BO
Well. I mean, it's not like you have to put on a bikini. It's just a one piece
bathing suit.

RAY
That's true. They wore one pieces on Baywatch. Ain't that right, Rookie?

ROOKIE
I'm only twenty three years old. Baywatch is a bit before my time.

RAY
Nobody asked for your age, Rookie. Put it in your autobiography. Right now we're
doing police work.

KATE
Guys. I'm not gonna wear a bathing suit--whether it's a one piece or a bikini.

RAY
How about some kind of a tube top?

KATE
Will you please drive me back to the flower shop?

BO
Sure. Let me just question the witness. Thomas. Can you just, um, give us some info
on your nephew?

THOMAS
His name is Bill. He used to work at Shakey's Pizza. He knows all sorts of stuff
about Karl Marx. And he plays chess. I'll tell you more. But first take me out for
taters. French fried taters.

BO
Screw the taters!

THOMAS
I need me some taters. No taters, no info.
BO
If we take you out for taters, will you give us the info?

THOMAS
Yes. In fact, I'll start giving you some info on the way to the tater place.

Bo looks at Ray.

BO
Alright. let's go.

As they head out, Janice stops them.

JANICE
Where are you going with Thomas?

RAY
We need to question the witness at an undisclosed location that's none of your damn
business.

JANICE
You can't just take him.

BO
Miss. He said he wants to go with us. Right Thomas?

THOMAS
You're darn tootin I do. I love them taters.

JANICE
(to Ray and Bo)
You can't take Thomas out.

RAY
Listen, Janice. A--we're investigating a case, and we need this dude. B--he said he
wants to go. So we can take him.

JANICE
You're not taking him anywhere.

RAY
We're taking him out for taters.

Janice walks up to Ray and bumps him.

JANICE
Over my dead body!

Ray maces Janice.

JANICE
You psycho.

KATE
Ray. Are you supposed to mace people like that?

RAY
Absolutely. It's a nonviolent solution. I use it all the time. In fact, I need to
get a refill on my mace bottle.
(to Janice)
Listen, Janice. We gotta go. In the meantime, you can go ahead and wash your eyes
out with milk.

EXT. FLOWER SHOP - DAY

Ray, Bo, Rookie, Kate, and Thomas are in the police car.

Kate exits.

BO
Okay, honey. thanks again. I'll call you later.

KATE
Don't call me honey, and don't call me later.

Ray gets out and reenters via the front passengers seat.

BO
What a nice girl.

RAY
Yeah. You got yourself a good one. Good ex-wife.

THOMAS
Half of women are golddiggers.

RAY
Is it half? I thought it was twenty five percent.

THOMAS
Let's say thirty five percent. Now how about them taters?

[Later]

Thomas is eating fries.

THOMAS
So like I was saying. My nephew Bill--he visits me all the time. He also plays
chess. He's really good with those pieces, what do you call them? Bishops? You know
what show I used to watch on TV a lot? The Joey Bishop Show. I really didn't like
it that much. But for some reason, I watched
almost every episode. That's what we did back in the old days. We only had three TV
channels--so we just watched whatever they showed. It was really quite ridiculous.

BO
And this nephew of yours--does he have a name or a phone number or an address?

THOMAS
He has a name. Bill.

BO
Bill what?

THOMAS
Bill my nephew. He has a red white and blue tattoo on his arm.

BO
A tattoo of a US flag?

THOMAS
No. It's a tattoo of something else.

BO
Well. You know what, Thomas? Could you put me in contact with, um, your wife, or
your kids, or your siblings?

THOMAS
My wife is my ex-wife, and she's in some other country. I think Canada, or maybe
Naples. My brother Bart passed away five years ago. And my son Fred--he's in
Baltimore. His number is 410-923-1111.

Ray calls the number

CHINESE MAN ON PHONE

Ling Long Chinese Food.

RAY
Uh. Ling Long Chinese Food?

CHINESE MAN ON PHONE

Yeah. You want to order?

RAY
Uh. There wouldn't happen to be a man named Fred there.

CHINESE MAN ON PHONE

No Fred. No bread. Our special is chicken lo mein. You want?

RAY
What--just 'cause I'm black I gotta eat chicken?

CHINESE MAN ON PHONE

We have beef lo mein also.

RAY
No thank you. I just ate.

Ray ends the call.

RAY
(to Thomas)
Uh. Thomas. That was a Chinese restaurant.

THOMAS
Order the chow mein.

BO
Thomas. Where does your nephew live? Is he also in Baltimore?

THOMAS
No. Phil is here in Washington.

RAY
I thought you said his name was Bill.

THOMAS
I said Phil. Phil lives near here. Look him up. Phil D'Agostino.

Ray enters the info into the in-car police computer.

RAY
Okay. We got two Phil D'Agostino's in the neighborhood. One is at four five two
Everlane Avenue.

THOMAS
Yeah. I think that's it. Four five two Candy Cane Avenue.

RAY
I said Everlane.

EXT. HOME - DAY

Ray, Bo, Rookie, and Thomas are standing outside the front door. The door opens to
reveal PHIL.

PHIL
Hello?

BO
Hi. We're looking for a Phil D'Agostino.

PHIL
I'm him.

RAY
Is this your Uncle Thomas?

PHIL
Yeah.

RAY
Okay, Phil. Start telling us what you know. We're the police, and we got mace and
guns.

PHIL
What do you want to know?

RAY
That depends. What do you know?

PHIL
About what?

RAY
You tell me. I mean, your Uncle here, he says when you visit him, he hears some
mighty interesting stuff.

PHIL
Visit? Thomas--what are they talking about?

THOMAS
I don't know. The white one's high on amphetamines, and the black one's high on
_meth_amphetamine.
RAY
We ain't high, Thomas! We're very anti-drug. We tell Frenchmen not to do yayo. Now,
listen. This is the dude you was telling us about. Your nephew. The one who's in
cahoots with the Panamanians.

THOMAS
This isn't him. This isn't Bill.

RAY
We know it ain't Bill. It's Phil.

THOMAS
Why are we visiting Phil? Bill's the one you want.

RAY
Bill or Phil?

THOMAS
Bill. My nephew Bill. He's the one who went to the leftist university with all
those liberals, and he started watching all that MSNBC jazz. This guy here, Phil,
he's not in the same boat. He graduated from the University of Hard Knocks and
Cheap Whiskey.

BO
(to Phil)
Sir. Do you have a degree from the University of Hard Knocks and Cheap Whiskey?

THOMAS
I have a degree from Georgetown. But, I think I know what's going on here. You guys
want Bill.

BO
There's a Bill?

PHIL
There is in fact a Bill.

RAY
And you're Phil?

PHIL
That's correct. I'm Thomas's nephew-in-law. As in, Thomas was married to my Aunt
Jane, who passed away. Thomas also has a nephew named Bill.

RAY
Fine. Whatever. Give us Bill's info.

PHIL
Well. I mean, I don't really know Bill.

RAY
Why not?

PHIL
Because. You know. He's not really that close to me. He's my, um--he's my cousin's
cousin.

RAY
So?
PHIL
Do you know all your cousins' cousins?

RAY
I got a cousin named Plaxico, and I know his cousin Jardanian.

PHIL
Be that as it may, I hardly know my cousin's cousin Bill.

RAY
What's Bill's last name?

PHIL
Um. Let's see. He's, uh, Bill Baldwin. Wait. No. Baldwin is the other side. Um.
Let's see. Yeah. Smith. Bill's last name is Smith.

RAY
Bill Smith?

PHIL
Right. Bill Smith.

RAY
William Smith?

PHIL
Uh. Yeah.

RAY
Now, this fellow, this William Smith. Is he the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?

PHIL
No.

RAY
Okay. Great. So we can rule out that William Smith. As in, the William Smith who's
one of three million William Smiths in this country. Let's see if we can keep this
momentum going, and narrow down our search a little more.

ROOKIE
(to Phil)
How about we contact one of your cousins who's cousins with Bill?

RAY
Listen, Rookie. We can handle this.
(to Phil)
Alright, Phil. Now. You mentioned how Bill is your cousin's cousin. So, now we need
to contact one of your cousins who's cousins with Bill.

PHIL
It's just one cousin. Alex.

RAY
Can you call him up for us?

PHIL
Sure.
Phil dials and gets a voicemail greeting.

PHIL
He's not picking up. I figured he wouldn't.

BO
And why's that?

PHIL
Well. I went on a few dates with his ex-girlfriend.

RAY
Phil. This is not the Maury Povich Show. We just want to reach Bill, by getting in
touch with his and your cousin, what's-his-name?

PHIL
Alex.

BO
What's Alex's number?

PHIL
(looks at his phone)
Let's see. 428-097-9343.

Ray calls the number. It rings and goes to Voicemail.

RAY
He didn't pick up.

PHIL
Yeah. I figured he wouldn't.

RAY
Hm. And why's that?

PHIL
Well. Alex, uh, he's one of those conspiracy theorist types. He doesn't trust...
anything. So if, like--let's say he gets a call from a number he doesn't recognize,
he's not gonna answer that call. And if you leave a voicemail saying you're the
police, he won't call you back.

RAY
Fascinating. I can't wait to meet this individual. Do you know where he lives and
where he works?

PHIL
Uh. Yeah. I can get his home address for you. And he works over at that sushi
restaurant--it's like a half mile from here.

THOMAS
Sounds good. Let's get some more taters!

INT. POLICE CAR - DAY

RAY
So Thomas. What's your last name? Is it also Smith?
THOMAS
No. It's Jones.

RAY
Thomas Jones. I'm gonna need more than that if I want to identify you.

THOMAS
I'm Thomas N. Jones.

RAY
What does the N stand for?

THOMAS
Nothing.

RAY
Your name is Thomas Nothing Jones?

THOMAS
No. I mean, the letter N doesn't stand for anything.

RAY
Thomas. You can't have a middle initial that doesn't stand for anything.

They notice two men fighting outside of the marijuana dispensary: the Protester
from before, and ANTOINE (30,
black).

BO
Hm. Those guys are fighting.

RAY
Yeah. I suppose we ought to break them apart.

They pull up next to the Fighters and get out.

EXT. MARIJUANA DISPENSARY - DAY

BO
Okay, fellas, break it up.

The Protester and Antoine continue fighting.

Ray maces both of them.

They stop fighting and react to the mace.

RAY
What y'all fighting about?

ANTOINE
(rubbing his eyes)
Damn, man. Can you wait for me to get the pepper out of my eyes before you start
asking questions?

RAY
At the police academy, they mace us in the eyes, and then they make us recite
Shakespeare and fight a dummy. And we do it. So don't act like you can't answer my
questions with pepper spray in your eyes! What are you guys fighting for?

ANTOINE
My boss. He told me to get rid of the protester. I told him to leave. But he
didn't. So we got to scrapping.

BO
Where's your boss?

ANTOINE
He's inside. The marijuana place.

BO
Rookie. Watch these guys and while we go inside.

INT. MARIJUANA DISPENSARY - DAY

Ray, Bo, and Thomas enter. SHALBLUNTY (35, black) is working behind the counter.

RAY
Shablunty?

SHABLUNTY
Ray. What the hell are you doing here? Are you gonna arrest me again?

RAY
I didn't arrest you. That was my hard ass white boy partner.

SHABLUNTY
(referring to Bo)
Well who's he?

RAY
That's my new white boy partner.

BO
How you doing there, Shablunty?

SHABLUNTY
I'm doing just fine, Mr. White Police Officer. I'm exercising my legal right to
sell marijuana in a licensed dispensary.
(sniffs)
That's weird. I smell cocaine. And this ain't a cocaine dispensary.

RAY
Well I mean, I happen to have some confiscated cocaine on me. But, like, how in the
hell can you smell cocaine?

SHABLUNTY
Can a drug dog smell cocaine?

RAY
Yeah.

SHABLUNTY
Well there you go.
RAY
_Where_ I go? Shablunty--you're not a dog.

SHABLUNTY
I'm a mammal--just like a dog. By the way--how much do you want for that cocaine?

RAY
I'm not selling it, Shablunty. And FYI--it's against the law to purchase cocaine
from a police officer

SHABLUNTY
Man. You ain't no real police officer.

THOMAS
He _is_ a real police officer.

SHABLUNTY
(to Ray)
Who the hell is this dude?

THOMAS
Don't worry about who I am, buster! All you need to know is that I don't like your
attitude.

SHABLUNTY
You can't be talking to me like that in my own dispensary.

THOMAS
Listen, sweetcake. I don't like the jib of your jibber jabber.

SHABLUNTY
Jibber. That sounds like it's code for nigga! Are you calling me a nigga? 'Cause if
you is, I'm about to bring out the barbecue sauce,
homey!

RAY
Oh, great. Here we go with the barbecue sauce.

SHABLUNTY
(to Thomas)
Listen, old fella. You better get to steppin--or else I'm about to raise a mad
ruckus up in this joint.

THOMAS
I don't know what the hell that means. But I do know this. I don't like your tone.

SHABLUNTY
Well then what are you gonna do about it?

THOMAS
Well.

He walks up to Shablunty, throws two quick punches at his face, and knocks him
down.

SHABLUNTY
You just assaulted me. Officers. Arrest that crazy old man.

RAY
Uh. You two. Uh. Settle down.

SHABLUNTY
What you mean settle down? This dude just busted me in my head and got my nose
bloody.

RAY
Yeah. Well. You know. You had a little scuffle. And, the police don't need to get
involved in this matter.

SHABLUNTY
I'm pressing charges, Ray!

Shablunty gets up.

RAY
Listen, Shablunty. You press charges on him, and I'm gonna press charges on _you_.

SHABLUNTY
For what?

RAY
You know. That thing you did, uh, last week.

SHABLUNTY
Listen, homey. I didn't know that woman was a prostitute.

RAY
Well. yeah. But, I mean. What about that _other_ thing you did last week?

SHABLUNTY
What? That? Come on, Ray. That's not breaking and entering. After all--I'm cousins
with one of owners of that convenience store.

RAY
Yeah. Well. You still can't um, do that. So, don't do it no more.

BO
Ray. What about the _other_ thing Shablunty did? You know. Last month.

SHABLUNTY
Ah! You trippin, jack! I didn't even break that bus driver's window. Don't believe
Cornelius.

BO
We believe Cornelius! Alright?! So, um, you know. Stop doing crimes, Shablunty.

RAY
(to Shablunty)
And by the way--what about that group of Panamanians who kidnapped the Vice
President? You're working with them!

SHABLUNTY
Listen, fellas. I didn't know that dude was the Vice President. I just thought he
was, um, uh... wait a second. I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Kidnap the Vice President?

RAY
Yeah.
SHABLUNTY
Uh. I don't think I was involved in that one.

RAY
Oh. Well. Okay. I thought I'd throw that one in there, just to see if you're paying
attention.

SHABLUNTY
I'm telling you, man. All I did was the solicitation and the B and E and the whole
thing with the window. I didn't kidnap nobody.

BO
Okay. Just make sure you keep on not kidnapping people.

INT. CAR - DAY

Bo, Ray, Rookie, and Thomas

THOMAS
You know, Ray. I am very fond of negroes.

RAY
Uh. What?

THOMAS
Negroes. You know. The blacks. They are a welcome addition to this fine nation of
ours.

RAY
Yeah. I think so, too.

THOMAS
I applaud Frederick Douglass for removing his shackles and escaping the bonds of
slavery.

RAY
Amen, brother.

THOMAS
Also, I truly admire the ingenuity of George Washington Carver.

RAY
Preach on, Thomas.

THOMAS
I enjoy the musical stylings of Cab Calloway.

RAY
No doubt.

THOMAS
Furthermore, I did not vote for that Barack Obama character.

RAY
Uh. Hold the phone, Thomas. If you're trying to illustrate your fondness of
negroes, why are you mentioning how you did not vote for Obama?
THOMAS
Because. Obama is not an authentic negro. Why would I want America's first black
President to be an unauthentic negro?

RAY
Hm. I don't know.

THOMAS
Well. If you don't know, now you know.

RAY
Did you just quote Biggie Smalls?

THOMAS
Who's he?

RAY
He's a famous negro poet. Anyways. tell us about this nephew of yours, Alex.

THOMAS
My nephew Alex watches Fox News. As opposed to my nephew Bill, who watches leftist
networks, and is working for the Bolivians.

RAY
Bolivians? Last time you said Panamanians.

THOMAS
I said Bolivians.

INT. MARIJUANA DISPENSARY - DAY

Shablunty is icing his nose. He answers his phone. The caller is DeAndre (30,
black).

DEANDRE (On PHONE)

Shablunty. Where you at, man?

SHABLUNTY
What you mean?

DEANDRE (ON PHONE)

We're about to go on a crime spree. Remember?

SHABLUNTY
Man. I can't make it. Some dude just busted me in the nose.

DEANDRE (ON PHONE)

Who?

SHABLUNTY
Like. It was this three hundred pound dude. Um--straight out of prison. You know
what I'm saying? I got into it with this dude. 'Cause, like, I mean, he was running
his mouth about something I didn't want to hear. So, yeah. I whupped his ass. But,
you know. As I was whupping his ass, his, um, his head hit my nose. So, yeah. I'm
just gonna chill for a while. I'll kick it with y'all at the next Black Panther
meeting.
DEANDRE
Alright. Cool.

INT. ROOM - DAY

DeAndre is in a room with JOSE (30, Mexican) and JACK (30, white).

DEANDRE
Shablunty said he can't make it today.

JOSE
Good. We don't need that loco idiot at our meeting. Besides, now we have racial
balance. One white guy, one Mexican, one black guy. That's good. Now people will
really understand how we're trying to bring an end to racism.

JACK
Is that what we're doing? I thought we were just getting together to do crimes.

JOSE
Well. We're robbing places, but we're also letting people know that you don't have
to commit crimes with members of your own race. You can also be a criminal with
people of other races.

JACK
Right. Yeah. We're against racism. Like Martin Luther King. Now let's go on a crime
spree.

DEANDRE
Martin Luther King didn't commit crimes.

JACK
Well. When I said "Martin Luther King," I was talking about the Boulevard.

DEANDRE
Okay. Yeah. Let's do this.

INT. ALEX'S WORKPLACE - DAY

Ray, Bo, Rookie, and Thomas walk up to a FEMALE EMPLOYEE.

RAY
We're looking for Alex.

FEMALE EMPLOYEE
(points)
That's him.

ALEX is working behind the counter.

THOMAS
Hey, Alex.

RAY
Alex. We need to ask you a few questions about your cousin Bill Smith.

Alex takes out a cell phone and begins recording Ray.

ALEX
What is this pertaining to?

RAY
Well. It has to do with an investigation. We can't tell you the details.

ALEX
Am I being detained?

RAY
Uh. No.

ALEX
Then I refuse to answer any questions. Uncle Thomas--I don't know what these
officers have been saying to you. But don't tell them anything.

RAY
Whoa. Slow your roll, Alex. We're just looking for your cousin Bill.

ALEX
I don't have to show you my ID.

RAY
That's good--because I'm not interested in seeing your ID.

ALEX
I do not consent to any search and/or seizure.

RAY
Great. I ain't looking to do no searching or no seizing.

ALEX
Have you read the Constitution?

RAY
I don't see what that has to do with anything.

ALEX
Let me educate you for a moment, if I may. Your role in this situation is that of a
public servant who has sworn to uphold and defend the Constitution. I am a citizen
of the United States. A citizen's Constitutional rights are inalienable and should
not be violated by an officer of the law. By violating my rights, you are making
yourself a domestic enemy of the United States of America, and you should therefore
be jailed for treason and/or domestic terrorism.

RAY
Bo. What in the hell is this guy talking about?

BO
I don't know.

ALEX
I do not consent to any search and/or seizure.

RAY
Well by any chance do you consent to me telling you to stop talking like a jackass?

ALEX
I do not consent to anything.

BO
Listen. We're just trying to talk to Phil. That's it.

ALEX
That's not it. You work for the government. Therefore, I don't trust you.

RAY
I'm the same way. Only suckers believe the government. I don't trust none of that.
Anything governmental, I don't go along with at all. If any government employee or
any government run organization says "See Spot run" you know what I do? I see Fido
walk.

ALEX
Your Jedi mind tricks aren't gonna work on me.

BO
Thomas--can you please tell your nephew here that we just want to interview Bill?

THOMAS
Alex. We just want to talk to Bill.

ALEX
About what?

THOMAS
Don't worry about what! You say one more word, and I will knock you into next
Tuesday!

ALEX
Uncle Thomas...

Thomas grabs a bottle, breaks it, and points it at Alex.

ALEX
You police officers--what are you gonna do about this?

RAY
(unemphatically)
Uh. You two, break it up. You know what I'm saying? No more skirmishes. Break it up
you two.

ALEX
Make him put the weapon down.

RAY
That's exactly what we're gonna do. However, if we do that, we will have to
interview you about the incident afterwards and see your ID.

BO
(to Alex)
Yeah. And we're really gonna look at that ID. We're gonna look at it very closely.

ALEX
I am not gonna show you my ID!

THOMAS
Where the hell is Phi1!
RAY
(to Alex)
This ruckus is really starting to escalate. I think me and my partner, we need to
step in, and then take everyone down to the police station, and ask them all sorts
of questions, and photocopy everyone's ID. And we're gonna get duplicates of them
photocopies. And distribute them to all kinds of people who work for the
government.

ALEX
Listen. That won't be necessary. I mean, I'll tell you about Bill. He moved in with
his girlfriend a while ago. They live at, um, that fourplex on the corner of Park
and Missouri.

INT. POLICE CAR - DAY

Ray's phone rings. He answers it.

RAY
What the hell do you want, Charles?

CHARLES
Listen, tough guy. You came to my office, and you really wanted a piece of me.
Right?

RAY
Yeah.

CHARLES
Well. You know what? I got to thinking. I really want a piece of you. Let's do
this.

RAY
What are you talking about?

CHARLES
Rutger's Park. One on one. B-ball. Today. I'll meet you there, and we can ball it
up.

RAY
You can't be serious, bro. Listen. I got work to do. Are you familiar with that
concept? Work. I can't be dilly-dallying like you once percenters. I got some
ninety nine percent stuff to do. So why don't you put that in your pipe and smoke
it, asshole?

CHARLES
Alright. I thought so, Ray. You don't really want none of this. You just want to
come into my office, with your uniform and badge, and start acting all hard. But
that's it. That's all you got,

RAY
You know what? It's on, Charlie. Rutger's Park. You want me. You got me.

CHARLES
Good. I'll be there in ten minutes.

RAY
I'll be there in _five_ minutes.
He ends the call.

RAY
(to Bo)
So, uh. Yeah. We gotta go to Rutger's Park.

BO
For what?

RAY
Well. you know. I gotta go play b-ball against my brother.

BO
Ray--we're investigating the missing VP case.

RAY
Yeah. No doubt. But, like, you know. I um--I gotta get my cardio in. I gotta be in
shape, if, you know, I want to beat the asses of those Panamanians or Mexicans or
whatever.

THOMAS
They're Peruvians.

RAY
Right. Yeah. I gotta play some basketball, so I can be fit, so I can mess up them
damn Peruvians.

BO
Ray. Are you seriously gonna play basketball right now?

RAY
Listen, man. It'll take ten minutes. In and out. I gotta beat my brother's ass. He
built a damn luxury building on my block.

EXT. PARK - DAY

The Four Guys arrive. Charles is already at the park.

CHARLES
I didn't think you'd show up.

RAY
Well here I am. Let's do this.

CHARLES
ALright. Get a ball.

RAY
Do I look like a member of the Harlem Globetrotters? I ain't got no ball.

He turns to a GIRL.

RAY
Little girl. Can I borrow your basketball for ten minutes?

GIRL
What do you want to do with it?

RAY
Play basketball.

GIRL
Shouldn't you be doing police stuff?

RAY
This _is_ police stuff. I need to play basketball. Otherwise there's gonna be
crime in Washington DC.

GIRL
There already _is_ crime in Washington DC.

RAY
Just, that guy over there is my brother, and he's a pee pee head, so I gotta play
him in basketball, so let me borrow that ball.

She hands it to him.

He dribbles over to Charles.

RAY
Okay, tough guy. Let's see what you got.

CHARLES
Every shot is one point. Winner takes out. Game's to eleven. You gotta win by two.

RAY
I'm planning to win by eleven.

THOMAS
(to Bo)
I got twenty dollars on the negro.

BO
They're both negroes, Thomas.

THOMAS
That's the beauty of my bet. I can't lose. It's like they say. "Always bet on
black."

BO
Did you just quote Wesley Snipes?

CHARLES
(to Bo)
Take the ball out.

BO
I will.

CHARLES
When?

BO
When I feel like it.
They play for while, and the game is even: Ray has the edge at times, and Charles
has the edge at times.

After a while, Ray looks tired and pauses before taking the ball out.

CHARLES
You can't take a damn break in between points so you can catch your breath.

BO
Sure I can. This is streetball. Which means there ain't no time limit on taking the
ball out.

They play some more. Charles makes a shot.

CHARLES
Eleven to ten. Game point.

Ray takes out the ball and makes a shot.

RAY
Eleven eleven.

Tanya walks up to Ray.

TANYA
(annoyed)
Hey Ray.

RAY
Uh. Hey honey. Uh--what are you doing here?

TANYA
I came to watch the game.

RAY
How did you know about the game?

TANYA
It's being broadcast on the internet.

A MAN is recording the game on this phone.

RAY
Right. Yeah.
(to camera)
Uh. Yeah. This is part of the DC Cops and Citizens Unite Fitness Program. You got
cops and citizens coming together to do fitness and what not. Because it's good for
our cardiovascular systems, and furthermore, it's good for the community.

Tanya takes him aside.

TANYA
Ray. Can you stop this stupid thing with your brother?

RAY
No problem, honey.

TANYA
Okay. So, I guess you'll be heading out now.
RAY
Uh. No. I gotta finish the game.

TANYA
You said you would stop this whole thing with your brother.

RAY
Yeah. I will. After I beat him in basketball.

TANYA
Ray. Don't you get it? Whether you win or lose, it'll lead to you doing some other
petty thing later, and then something else, and then something else. That's the
game you're playing right now. Not basketball. All you need to do is walk out of
here. Do something else. Your brother is your brother. He's gonna act this way.
There's no point in you getting involved in this kind of nonsense. I know you're
better than this. I married you because you're not that kind of guy. All you need
to do is walk away.

Ray looks at CHarles. He looks back at Tanya. He walks over to Charles.

RAY
You know what? You win. I got work to do. I'm done.

He begins to turn away.

CHARLES
Oh. I see. When the going gets tough, you quit.

RAY
I ain't interested in any of this. This whole thing between me and you, it's making
me a sucka. Ain't no maturity in that. My wife knows.

CHARLES
In other words, you're whipped by your woman. What she says, you do.

RAY
No. I don't roll like that, homey. I'm a Baptist. You know what I'm saying?

CHARLES
No. I don't know what you're saying.

RAY
Well. It don't matter what I'm saying. I mean, why would I explain stuff to someone
who's messed up in the head like you. All I gotta say is, to have and to hold. I
only listen to my wife thirty percent of the time. This is part of that thirty
percent.

CHARLES
You done lost your mind, Ray. That's what happens when you work this stupid ass job
and down all those donuts. You ain't nothing. You got your dumb ass job and your
sixty thousand dollar salary, and you're quitting this game, 'cause you don't want
none of this.

RAY
I definitely don't want none of you--'cause believe it or not, I got better things
to do than mess with your petty ass.

Ray turns and walks away.

CHARLES
Don't you turn your back on me, man!

Charles walks up to Ray and grabs his shirt.

Ray elbows Charles in the face.

Charles backs up for a moment. He then puts up his fists and throws the first
shot--a punch that misses.

The two men fight for 30 seconds. Ray eventually lands a one two, knocking Charles
down.

Ray starts to walk away. Charles slowly gets up. He looks wobbly, and he's
bleeding.

CHARLES
Hey! the fight's not over! Get back here, Ray! Get your minimum wage earning black
ass back over here so I can whup it!

Ray turns around, and then turns again and starts to walk away.

Charles follows him and grabs his shoulder.

Ray turns around and maces Charles in the eyes.

Charles reacts.

CHARLES
What the hell, man?! You maced me.

RAY
All you gotta do is put some milk in your eyes.

CHARLES
Where the hell am I gonna get milk?

Ray sees a WOMAN bottle feeding a baby.

RAY
Miss. What in that bottle?

WOMAN AT PARK
Breast milk.

RAY
Let me see that.

Ray grabs the bottle and then hands it to Charles.

RAY
There you go, Charles.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

Jack, DeAndre, and Jose are wearing masks and robbing the CLERK (Male, Korean).

JOSE
Yeah. Put the cash in the bag. And make sure you let everyone know that you were
robbed by a gang of people who aren't all the same race. Black, Hispanic, and
white. You got that?

CLERK
Um. Yeah. Okay.

JOSE
And also, lower some of your store's prices. Just because you're Korean, that
doesn't mean you have to rip off your customers.

JACK
Bro. That's racist to say.

JOSE
No it's not. Even if this guy were an Indian convenience store owner, I'd be saying
the same thing. Koreans rip people off just as much as Indians do.

EXT. FOURPLEX - DAY

The Four Guys walk up to a door. Ray rings a doorbell. The door is answered by
VANESSA (30).

BO
We're looking for Bill Smith.

VANESSA
Let me tell you something about Bill. He's a damn bum. Bill lives here with me. And
Bill doesn't pay any bills. He works twenty hours a
month. And he occasionally chips in fifty dollars for rent. Do me a favor and help
me kick that deadbeat out of my apartment.

RAY
Listen. I have a better plan. What you need to do is tell him, "Can you pay my
bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Do you pay my
automo' bills? If you did then maybe we could chill. I don't think you do. So you
and me are through."

BO
Destiny's Child.

RAY
Yeah. You got that one. You're my nigga.

BO
Indeed.

VANESSA
Are you two guys real policemen?

ROOKIE
Technically, they are.

THOMAS
You're damn right they are!

VANESSA
Who's he?

RAY
That's Bill's Uncle Thomas.

VANESSA
Oh. Nice to meet you.

THOMAS
Likewise. You know--you remind me of that Baywatch bimbo. The brunette.

VANESSA
Excuse me?

RAY
Listen. Can you get Bill on the phone for us?

She calls him and gets his Voicemail.

VANESSA
Bill. Call me back.

She ends the call.

VANESSA
You know what? We got into a big fight earlier today. We're not really talking to
each other. I don't think he's gonna call me back.

RAY
Well do you know where we can find this Bill fella?

VANESSA
Yeah. He's always at that stupid donut shop, talking to his degenerate friends,
acting like they're gonna start a revolution or something.

EXT. STREET - DAY

The Four Guys are walking to their car.

WOMAN 4 walks up to them.

WOMAN 4
Officers. A man just flashed me.

BO
Okay. Call the police.

WOMAN 4
You _are_ the police

RAY
Lady. We don't got time for this right now.

WOMAN 4
Well. Let me just describe him. He was this white hairy guy wearing a trench coat.
BO
Right yeah. That's Hal.

WOMAN 4
You know him?

BO
Yeah.

WOMAN 4
Well can you arrest him?

BO
Maybe tomorrow, or next week.

WOMAN 4
I was just sexually assaulted!

BO
That's why you should call the police.

WOMAN 4
I'm calling you right now. Stop dillydallying, and go get that sicko!

RAY
It ain't our jurisdiction, lady! Go call the cops!

She walks up inches away from him and puts her finger in his face.

WOMAN 4
Listen! You better start doing something about this, pronto!

Ray pepper sprays Woman 4.

INT. DONUT SHOP - DAY

The Four Guys enter.

Thomas sees CARLOS seated at a table with LAUREN.

THOMAS
That guy has a tattoo just like Bill's.

BO
Hm. I think that's the Puerto Rican flag.

ROOKIE
You're close. It's Cuba.

RAY
Check out the big brain on Rookie.

BO
Thomas. Is your nephew Bill working for the Cubans?

THOMAS
Yes. The Cubans hired him to kidnap the Vice President. Bill is into their leftist
movements.

BO
You mean communism?

THOMAS
Yeah. He's a communist. That's why he voted for that Marxist Muslim Hussein Obama.

PHIL exits the men's room and walks towards the table where Joe and Lauren are
seated.

THOMAS
That's him.

RAY
Phil.

PHIL
Um. Yeah.

RAY
Where's the VP?

PHIL
Um. What?

RAY
Don't BS me. You know what?

PHIL
(looks at THomas)
Uncle Thomas?

RAY
Damn right it's your Uncle Thomas. And we're the popo. And we know-know.

PHIL
You know-know?

RAY
We know. Uncle Thomas done said it all. You told him you kidnapped the Vice
President.

PHIL
I said that?

THOMAS
Yeah. You said you and the Cubans are gonna kidnap the Vice President.

PHIL
Kidnap? I said _kickback_. The Cubans are secretly giving the Vice President
kickbacks. That's why the Vice President keeps on pushing legislation to ease the
trade embargo. He wants to open trade between the US and Cuba. He's getting paid by
the Cubans.

CARLOS
Yeah. It's the cigar companies. They paid the Vice President five million dollars,
man. These freaking capitalists are taking over Cuba.
RAY
So, wait. You guys are communists?

PHIL
Yes we're communists.

BO
And you didn't kidnap the Vice President?

PHIL
No.

INT. CAR - DAY

Jose, Jack, and DeAndre are in the car and are no longer wearing masks.

JOSE
Alright. Crime spree, step two. Rob a donut shop.

ROY
Yeah. This is an interracial crime spree. We gotta rob a donut shop. We'll take all
their donuts, and their donut holes.

JOSE
And their money.

ROY
And their milk.

DEANDRE
The hell with the milk, Roy.

ROY
You want me to eat donuts straight up, no milk?

DeAndre looks in the donut shop window.

DEANDRE
Wait a sec. There are cops in that donut shop.

JOSE
So what? Are you some kind of punk--you won't rob a donut shop just because of a
few cops?

DEANDRE
Well. I mean, no. But, like, we can wait for the cops to leave, and then rob the
place.

ROY
Hell no, man! Don't be a punk. I say if we're gonna wait, we'll wait for _more_
cops to show up.

JOSE
No waiting. We go in there right now.
INT. DONUT SHOP - DAY

BO
Well. This has been a bit of a wild goose chase.

RAY
Well. Whatever. You wanna get some donuts?

THOMAS
I'll have some taters.

RAY
You gotta balance out your diet, Thomas. Taters and oats--that ain't gonna cut it.
Ask Rookie about that. His family taught him the tradition of his ancestors, and he
knows how to complete a pu pu platter.

ROOKIE
There's no pu pu platter!

RAY
Well, I'm speaking metaphorically. You can't have one dish on the pu pu platter,
because otherwise it ain't really a platter, and it definitely ain't pu pu.

DeAndre, Roy, and Jose enter. They're wearing masks and holding guns pointed at
Ray, Bo, and Rookie.

JOSE
Don't move! Nobody move!
(To Roy and DeAndre)
Take their weapons.

ROY
By weapons, do you mean just their guns, or also their batons and pepper spray?

JOSE
Everything, man!

They start to take the weapons off of Ray, Bo, and Rookie.

RAY
Fellas. Maybe instead of robbing a donut shop with three cops in it, you should go
across the street, and rob a 7-11 with no cops in it.

ROY
That's too easy. Also, this will get us more publicity.

BO
Why do you want publicity?

JACK
Because we're an interracial gang. We want to promote non-racism. We want the news
to be all like, "Three guys robbed a donut shop. The suspects are not the same
race. After all--you don't have to be the same race as other people to do crime
with them."

RAY
I'm saying, though. You also don't have to be the same race as others to go to Six
Flags with them.

JACK
Shut up, pig!

CARLOS
Aha! This is capitalism. Crime is inevitable when you have such extreme income
disparities in a country. When there's capitalism, there's crime.

JOSE
Hey! This is not an anti-capitalist crime. It's an anti-racism crime.

CARLOS
No. It's an anti-capitalist crime. You just don't know it.

JOSE
DeAndre. Hand me that mace.

DeAndre gives the mace bottle to Jose. Jose sprays Carlos.

CARLOS
Ah!

JOSE
You shut your Cuban mouth, ese. This is an anti-racism crime.

CARLOS
If you're against racism, why did you tell me to shut my Cuban mouth?

JOSE
No more talking--or I'll send your ass back to Cuba, pinche cabron!

THOMAS
Hey. Can you guys finish up in here? I got taters to eat and bimbos to meet.

JOSE
Listen, old man. We'll finish when we finish. Stop talking before I break your
face.

THOMAS
I'd like to see you try.

JOSE
Try? I don't have to try. I can do it, no problem.

THOMAS
Yeah. Well it's easy to act tough when you got the guns.

JOSE
You think I need guns, old man? I ain't no punk.

THOMAS
Sure you are.

JOSE
Listen, ese. I don't need no damn guns.

THOMAS
You wouldn't last one round with me mano-a-mano.
JOSE
I'll beat your brains in mano-a-mano.
(to DeAngelo)
Hold my gun.

He hands him the gun.

JOSE
Okay, old man. Mano-a-mano. Just like you wanted.

Thomas begins throwing weak punches at Jose.

JOSE
THat's it? Bro--this isn't a tickle fight.

Thomas proceeds to throw three hard, vicious shots in succession, knocking Jose out
and leaving him with a bloody nose.

JOSE
What the hell, ese? That's, um--you tricked me with your weak punches.

THOMAS
It's called trixie track. As opposed to this.

He lands another punch, knocking Jose unconscious.

THOMAS
That's called smack dab.

DEANGELO
Never leave a Mexican to do a black man's job. I'll knock this old dude out in five
seconds.

JACK
Bro. We're supposed to be anti-racism.

DEANGELO
Shut your white ass up, and let me knock this fool out. Hold my guns, man.

He hands his guns to Jack. Jack can no longer hold all the guns, os hpe puts some
of them on the table he's standing near.

DeAngelo approaches THomas.

DEANGELO
Okay, Gerry Cooney. Say hello to George Foreman.

DeAngelo lunges at Thomas and throws punches, but Thomas manages to for the most
part avoid them with evasiveness, foot movement, and covering up.

Bo takes a gun hidden near his ankle.

JACK
Bro. You're busy talking all that smack, and you can't even beat this old dude.

DEANDRE
He's tricky. He moves tricky. Give me a second and I'll get him.
JACK
Let me show you how it's done.

Jack puts his guns down and walks towards Thomas.

Bo gets up and points his gun at Jack.

BO
Make one move and you're dead.

RAY
That's my nigga right there.

Ray starts walking towards the table of guns.

DeAndre then tries making a move towards the table, but before he gets going,
Thomas lands a huge shot on him.

DEANDRE
Damn, man. You busted my face. That's it! I'm finna beat your brains in.

By now, Ray has reached the table of guns. He grabs a gun and points it at DeAndre.

RAY
Not so fast, homey. I'm about ready to smoke your ass.

DEANDRE
How you gonna do this to a brother?

RAY
You're not my brother.
(referring to Bo)
This white dud here--this is my brother. We are non-racism. You know what I'm
saying? You didn't need to form an interracial gang to promote that stuff. All you
had to do was look at us. Me and my partner here--and even this Chinese-American
rookie.

ROOKIE
_Japanese_-American.

RAY
You're missing the point, Rookie! We don't even have to distinguish between one
Asian and another, because we don't even see that. We don't care. You feel me?

THOMAS
Absolutely. When I sparred my eight hundred rounds with the negro Jersey Joe
Walcott, I didn't punch him harder than usual on account of his negro-ness. Whether
I'm punching a negro in the face or a Hispanic or a white or one time I even fought
a Jew, either way, I'm not punching that man's race. I'm punching his _face_.

BO
That was beautiful, Thomas.

Jose is finally getting up from the knockdown he suffered earlier, still looking a
bit woozy.

Bo's phone makes a bell notification sound.

THOMAS
Round two.

Thomas throws another punch at Jose's face, once again knocking him down.

INT. RAY'S HOME - DAY

A MINISTER is present, and RAY and TANYA are renewing their vows.

RAY
Baby. I'm here with you in the presence of this minster to renew our wedding vows,
because I hold our marriage to be sacred, and I want to let you know, that I
promise to have and to hold, to love and to honor, and furthermore, I will go along
with thirty percent of what you say, because that's how you make a relationship
work.

MINISTER
That's not really the standard set of vows.

RAY
You're sounding a little too Presbyterian right now.

INT. BOXING GYM - DAY

Two FIGHTERS are sparring.

Fighter 1 evades some shots from Fighter 2, and then lands a flurry of shots to end
the round.

The bell rings.

A TRAINER is present.

TRAINER
Time. Alright, fellas. Go get some water.

Fighter 1 exits the ring and walks up to Thomas.

FIGHTER 1
Man. That stuff you showed me--it's awesome. What do you call that again?

THOMAS
It's the double roll. That's what I used against Jersey Joe Walcott. Now let me
teach you the papaya punch. When you land this punch, the guy you punch, his head
is gonna smell like a papaya.

FIGHTER 1
Is that good?

THOMAS
It worked for Muhammad Ali. That's how he knocked out Holyfield and Tyson.

Bo enters

BO
Thomas. How's the new job going?

THOMAS
Very busy. You got me the exact job where I can impart my knowledge of boxing to
young boxers. If I were working at a car wash or Piggly Wiggly, it would be very
hard for me to do that.

BO
That's very true.

THOMAS
Now come here so I can throw some papaya punches at you and teach this kid a
lesson.

THE END

Renews vows

Arrests Shablunty
Vice President is smoking Cuba cigars
Closing scene