Revision Matrix

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I made to what How this change
WP submission: (Note question I received I initially wrote: impacts my paper:
which WP) (from
whom/where?)

WP2: Doyle, Michael, Bocchino: Citations Michael Doyle and Kris This change makes
and Kris Peterson, not formatted Peterson, “Re-Entry and my citations follow
“Re-Entry and correctly Reintegration: Returning Home the Chicago style
Reintegration: after Combat,” Psychiatric format properly.
Returning Home after Quarterly 76, no. 4 (December
Combat.” Psychiatric 2005): 363.
Quarterly 76, no. 4
(December 2005): 363

WP2: The two Bocchino: Thesis The two disciplines are split This change makes
disciplines are split into looks good - I like into two articles and they use my thesis more
two articles and they how you define the different conventions such as strong and clear on
use different types of disciplines but will types of evidence, jargon, and what I am about to
evidence—Sociology you address genre organization discuss for the rest
uses tables and Venn conventions other of my writing. It
diagrams while than types of provides a better
Psychology uses evidence? overview of
statistical evidence. everything.

WP2: Writing Project 2 Hannah: Have a Sociological and Psychological This change makes
better title. Aspects on Soldiers Post-War the title relate to the
overall writing
better. It makes it
more interesting.

WP2: Two academic Bocchino: Some Two academic disciplines that This change helps
disciplines that capitalization post-war soldiers struggle with make my writing
post-war soldiers problems - are related to sociology and improve because it
struggle with are sociology and psychology. avoids incorrect
related to Sociology psychology are not capitalizations. I
and Psychology. proper nouns and now know that
should not be sociology and
capitalized when psychology are not
not at the beginning proper nouns.
of a sentence.

WP2: The sources they Bocchino: For the The sources they use for This change is
use for evidence are example you evidence are “Studies in important to my 1st
“Studies in Military provide, perhaps Military Peacekeepers,” “New body paragraph
Peacekeepers,” “New you could be more England Journal of Medicine,” because it includes
England Journal of specific, especially “Textbook of Military specific information
Medicine,” “Textbook when discussing Medicine,” etc. For example, on the secondary
of Military Medicine,” their secondary “New England Journal of sources that the
etc. sources. Medicine” uses information article uses to
about a scientific study that support their claims.
discusses “symptoms of I elaborate on
posttraumatic stress disorder in information from a
Soldiers and Marines recently source and why it is
involved in OIF/OEF(3).” important for a
This is crucial for the sociology article. I
sociology article because it is do the same for the
not quantitative facts like a 2nd body paragraph.
psychology article but
qualitative, broader
information on soldiers and
marines as a whole.

WP2: Two academic Bocchino: Sounds Two academic disciplines, This change helps
disciplines that odd. sociology and psychology, make the original
post-war soldiers discuss the hardships soldiers sentence become
struggle with are face post-war. more clear and
related to Sociology concise. I
and Psychology rearranged the
wording which
makes a huge
difference in clarity.

WP2: The Venn Bocchino: “and” The Venn diagram gives By adding “and,” it
diagram gives readers a readers a descriptive visual to becomes clear that it
descriptive visual to see see the overlap between is reaching the
the overlap between “Major War,” “Limited War,” conclusion to the
“Major War,” “Limited and “Rapid Deployment list.
War,” “Rapid Operation.”
Deployment
Operation.”

WP2: Specific jargon Hannah: Set the Specific jargon may drive By adding more to
may drive away readers sentence better so away readers but general the second sentence,
but general readers are the idea I want to readers are still welcome to it helps set up the
welcome to read convey can be read sociology articles. following idea.
Sociology articles. better understood. Although they are welcome, it Originally, I did not
Although they are may be difficult for general clearly set up why
welcome, Doyle and readers to understand because general readers can
Peterson assume that Doyle and Peterson assume read but may have a
the readers have basic that the readers have basic hard time
knowledge on societal knowledge on societal topics understanding.
topics such as “Limited such as “Limited war require[s] Hopefully it
war require[s] only a only a fractional commitment becomes more clear
fractional commitment of national resources and [is] now.
of national resources conducted in a different
and [is] conducted in a psycho-political climate than
different major war (4).”
psycho-political climate
than major war (4).”

WP3: The success of Bocchino: I’m Through this article, it is clear The change in all
the deployment cycle confused in several that the success of the my tweets help form
for soldiers is through instances; what is deployment cycle for soldiers a more specific
reentry and the important is through reentry and approach on the
reintegration. information you reintegration. I will mainly return process for
Key: want your audience discuss the returning home soldiers. I went
-Inclusion early into to be aware of? process to help military with the approach of
reentry and families. Here is the link to the my tweets
reintegration original article. informing and
-Normalization https://ucsb-primo.hosted.exlib guiding military
-Access to help risgroup.com/permalink/f/12e9 relatives/families on
-Educate families on sm9/TN_proquest233312414 supporting the
resources soldier in the family
with reintegrating.

WP3: All three Twitter Bocchino: Maybe All three Twitter users are It is helpful to
users are tweeting provide examples tweeting about global or political include Barack
about global or political of a few of the issues that are currently occurring. Obama’s tweet as an
For example, in Barack Obama’s
issues that are currently conventions. example. The
most recent tweet, “Politicians
occurring. shouldn’t be picking their voters.
example brings in a
Voters should be picking their tweet that readers
representatives. But unless we act, can have for
the status quo will remain in states reference purposes.
all across the country. Let's make I expand on his
sure maps are drawn fairly when writing style and
redistricting happens again in explain its
2021.” If his Twitter profile is
importance which
viewed, it is clear that he mainly
discusses political topics because
helps strengthen my
he is a former U.S. President. position about
While discussing political topics, threads.
Obama writes in short but formal
language. The writing style is
perfect on Twitter because of the
character limit and the big chance
of getting scrolled past. Users
prefer to read tweets that are short
and direct rather than ones that are
long and will be ignored. The
profession that a Twitter user has
plays a big role on the content that
they will tweet about.
WP3: Common Bocchino: Expand Common conventions for threads I became specific on
conventions for threads on the genre on political topics are that even the type of Twitter
are ideas are simplified conventions of though the platform is not threads I wanted
academic, they maintain formal
into shorter sentences Twitter threads. because there are so
language in order to keep
so the text can fit into credibility and state the political
many types of
the character limited. information properly. Political threads that it was
Images or quotes are threads must be formal because better to narrow it
often included to the topic is a serious matter and down to one. After
provide visuals or can be sensitive if written narrowing it to
improve credibility. incorrectly. Within the threads, political threads, I
images or quotes are often was able to go more
included to provide visuals or
specific on the
capture users’ attention on a
pressing political topic.
conventions.

WP3: In real tweets, Hannah: Since I I made sure to avoid lengthy By adding more
users are not able to discuss political sentences to capture general details about the
tweets specifically, Twitter users' attention as they approach I took for
go over the limit so I scroll through their feed. I decided
made sure to shorten go more in depth my thread, I was
to approach my thread as if I was
my sentence while about the approach a politician using the academic
able to include more
still presenting I used while article to assist military families in specifics on my
correct information. making the thread. helping the soldiers reintegrate translation creating
into society. I use the tweets to process. This
inform users about potential relates better to my
services soldiers can receive for overall writing
their mental health. process.

WP3: Many of them Hannah: The style Many of them were written in Through this
were written in bullet of threads changed short sentences that still provide change, my writing
so adjust my serious information. For example, became more clear
point form because
politician, Bernie Sanders,
they were kept simple writing. for political threads.
tweeted, “We need to end hunger
and easy to read. This in America and repeal the Trump
Including an
meant that I had to tax breaks to the rich and the example helps
simplify Doyle and powerful,” which is a prime support my claim as
example of discussing a serious well. It is better for
Peterson’s words into
topic but breaking it down to a me to include more
short bullet points for short sentence. The tweet received examples to my
users to easily read. over two thousand likes because it writing.
went straight to the point and
discussed a popular, current issue.

WP3: This meant that Hannah: Go more Discussing well known topics are This change helped
I had to simplify in depth about the guaranteed to bring more bring in more details
process. attention, but smaller issues can about my thought
Doyle and Peterson’s
gain attention if evidence and
words into short process while
proper language is given. During
bullet points for users the process of creating the
translating. It also
to easily read. translation, I knew it was discusses the
important to discuss the topic in a relationship between
 non-offensive manner and to what I learned and
provide useful information to help how I applied it.
the thread gain attention.

WP3: With all Hannah: Fix the With all conventions and styles By relating it back
conventions and styles conclusion to in mind, I was able to to my thesis, it helps
in mind, I was able to match the thesis successfully create a strengthen my
successfully create a better. translation from the academic conclusion. I
translation from the article to a Twitter thread by remind readers of
academic article to a changing the jargon, visual my thesis while
Twitter thread while aspects, and tone. concluding my
maintaining the correct overall point.
sociology information.