Footnote to Youth Dodong tensed with desire and looked at the

by Jose Garcia Villa muscles of his arms. Dirty. This field

work was healthy, invigorating but it begrimed you,
smudged you terribly. He turned back the way he
The sun was salmon and hazy in the west. Dodong had come, then he marched obliquely to a creek.
thought to himself he would tell his father about
Teang when he got home, after he had unhitched Dodong stripped himself and laid his clothes, a
the carabao from the plow, and let it to its shed and gray undershirt and red kundiman shorts, on the
fed it. He was hesitant about saying it, but he grass. The he went into the water, wet his body
wanted his father to know. What he had to say was over, and rubbed at it vigorously. He was not long
of serious import as it would mark a climacteric in in bathing, then he marched homeward again. The
his life. Dodong finally decided to tell it, at a bath made him feel cool.
thought came to him his father might refuse to
consider it. His father was silent hard-working It was dusk when he reached home. The petroleum
farmer who chewed areca nut, which he had lamp on the ceiling already was lighted and the low
learned to do from his mother, Dodong's unvarnished square table was set for supper. His
grandmother. parents and he sat down on the floor around the
table to eat. They had fried fresh-water fish, rice,
I will tell it to him. I will tell it to him. bananas, and caked sugar.
The ground was broken up into many fresh wounds Dodong ate fish and rice, but did not partake of the
and fragrant with a sweetish earthy smell. Many fruit. The bananas were overripe and when one
slender soft worms emerged from the furrows and held them they felt more fluid than solid. Dodong
then burrowed again deeper into the soil. A short broke off a piece of the cakes sugar, dipped it in
colorless worm marched blindly to Dodong's foot his glass of water and ate it. He got another piece
and crawled calmly over it. Dodong go tickled and and wanted some more, but he thought of leaving
jerked his foot, flinging the worm into the air. the remainder for his parents.
Dodong did not bother to look where it fell, but
thought of his age, seventeen, and he said to Dodong's mother removed the dishes when they
himself he was not young any more. were through and went out to the batalan to wash
them. She walked with slow careful steps and
Dodong unhitched the carabao leisurely and gave Dodong wanted to help her carry the dishes out,
it a healthy tap on the hip. The beast turned its but he was tired and now felt lazy. He wished as he
head to look at him with dumb faithful eyes. looked at her that he had a sister who could help
Dodong gave it a slight push and the animal his mother in the housework. He pitied her, doing
walked alongside him to its shed. He placed all the housework alone.
bundles of grass before it land the carabao began
to eat. Dodong looked at it without interests. His father remained in the room, sucking a
diseased tooth. It was paining him again, Dodong
Dodong started homeward, thinking how he would knew. Dodong had told him often and again to let
break his news to his father. He wanted to marry, the town dentist pull it out, but he was afraid, his
Dodong did. He was seventeen, he had pimples on father was. He did not tell that to Dodong, but
his face, the down on his upper lip already was Dodong guessed it. Afterward Dodong himself
dark--these meant he was no longer a boy. He was thought that if he had a decayed tooth he would be
growing into a man--he was a man. Dodong felt afraid to go to the dentist; he would not be any
insolent and big at the thought of it although he bolder than his father.
was by nature low in statue. Thinking himself a
man grown, Dodong felt he could do anything. Dodong said while his mother was out that he was
going to marry Teang. There it was out, what he
He walked faster, prodded by the thought of his had to say, and over which he had done so much
virility. A small angled stone bled his foot, but he thinking. He had said it without any effort at all and
dismissed it cursorily. He lifted his leg and looked without self-consciousness. Dodong felt relieved
at the hurt toe and then went on walking. In the and looked at his father expectantly. A decrescent
cool sundown he thought wild you dreams of moon outside shed its feeble light into the window,
himself and Teang. Teang, his girl. She had a graying the still black temples of his father. His
small brown face and small black eyes and straight father looked old now.
glossy hair. How desirable she was to him. She
made him dream even during the day. "I am going to marry Teang," Dodong said.

1
His father looked at him silently and stopped -------------------------------------------
sucking the broken tooth. The silence became
intense and cruel, and Dodong wished his father Dodong stood in the sweltering noon heat,
would suck that troublous tooth again. Dodong was sweating profusely, so that his camiseta was
uncomfortable and then became angry because his damp. He was still as a tree and his thoughts were
father kept looking at him without uttering anything. confused. His mother had told him not to leave the
house, but he had left. He had wanted to get out of
"I will marry Teang," Dodong repeated. "I will marry it without clear reason at all. He was afraid, he felt.
Teang." Afraid of the house. It had seemed to cage him, to
compares his thoughts with severe tyranny. Afraid
His father kept gazing at him in inflexible silence also of Teang. Teang was giving birth in the house;
and Dodong fidgeted on his seat. she gave screams that chilled his blood. He did not
want her to scream like that, he seemed to be
"I asked her last night to marry me and she rebuking him. He began to wonder madly if the
said...yes. I want your permission. I... want... it...." process of childbirth was really painful. Some
There was impatient clamor in his voice, an women, when they gave birth, did not cry.
exacting protest at this coldness, this indifference.
Dodong looked at his father sourly. He cracked his In a few moments he would be a father. "Father,
knuckles one by one, and the little sounds it made father," he whispered the word with awe, with
broke dully the night stillness. strangeness. He was young, he realized now,
contradicting himself of nine months comfortable...
"Must you marry, Dodong?" "Your son," people would soon be telling him.
"Your son, Dodong."
Dodong resented his father's questions; his father
himself had married. Dodong made a quick Dodong felt tired standing. He sat down on a saw-
impassioned easy in his mind about selfishness, horse with his feet close together. He looked at his
but later he got confused. callused toes. Suppose he had ten children... What
made him think that? What was the matter with
"You are very young, Dodong." him? God!

"I'm... seventeen." He heard his mother's voice from the house:

"That's very young to get married at." "Come up, Dodong. It is over."

"I... I want to marry...Teang's a good girl." Suddenly he felt terribly embarrassed as he looked
at her. Somehow he was ashamed to his mother of
"Tell your mother," his father said. his youthful paternity. It made him feel guilty, as if
he had taken something no properly his. He
"You tell her, tatay." dropped his eyes and pretended to dust dirt off his
kundiman shorts.
"Dodong, you tell your inay."
"Dodong," his mother called again. "Dodong."
"You tell her."
He turned to look again and this time saw his father
"All right, Dodong." beside his mother.

"You will let me marry Teang?" "It is a boy," his father said. He beckoned Dodong
to come up.
"Son, if that is your wish... of course..." There was
a strange helpless light in his father's eyes. Dodong felt more embarrassed and did not move.
Dodong did not read it, so absorbed was he in What a moment for him. His parents' eyes seemed
himself. to pierce him through and he felt limp.

Dodong was immensely glad he had asserted He wanted to hide from them, to run away.
himself. He lost his resentment for his father. For a
while he even felt sorry for him about the diseased "Dodong, you come up. You come up," he mother
tooth. Then he confined his mind to dreaming of said.
Teang and himself. Sweet young dream....

2
Dodong did not want to come up and stayed in the Teang did not complain, but the bearing of children
sun. told on her. She was shapeless and thin now, even
if she was young. There was interminable work to
"Dodong. Dodong." be done. Cooking. Laundering. The house. The
children. She cried sometimes, wishing she had
"I'll... come up." not married. She did not tell Dodong this, not
wishing him to dislike her. Yet she wished she had
Dodong traced tremulous steps on the dry parched not married. Not even Dodong, whom she loved.
yard. He ascended the bamboo steps slowly. His There has been another suitor, Lucio, older than
heart pounded mercilessly in him. Within, he Dodong by nine years, and that was why she had
avoided his parents eyes. He walked ahead of chosen Dodong. Young Dodong. Seventeen. Lucio
them so that they should not see his face. He felt had married another after her marriage to Dodong,
guilty and untrue. He felt like crying. His eyes but he was childless until now. She wondered if
smarted and his chest wanted to burst. He wanted she had married Lucio, would she have borne him
to turn back, to go back to the yard. He wanted children. Maybe not, either. That was a better lot.
somebody to punish him. But she loved Dodong...

His father thrust his hand in his and gripped it Dodong whom life had made ugly.
gently.
One night, as he lay beside his wife, he rose and
"Son," his father said. went out of the house. He stood in the moonlight,
tired and querulous. He wanted to ask questions
And his mother: "Dodong..." and somebody to answer him. He w anted to be
wise about many things.
How kind were their voices. They flowed into him,
making him strong. One of them was why life did not fulfill all of Youth's
dreams. Why it must be so. Why one was
"Teang?" Dodong said. forsaken... after Love.

"She's sleeping. But you go on..." Dodong would not find the answer. Maybe the
question was not to be answered. It must be so to
His father led him into the small sawali room. make youth Youth. Youth must be dreamfully
Dodong saw Teang, his girl-wife, asleep on the sweet. Dreamfully sweet. Dodong returned to the
papag with her black hair soft around her face. He house humiliated by himself. He had wanted to
did not want her to look that pale. know a little wisdom but was denied it.

Dodong wanted to touch her, to push away that When Blas was eighteen he came home one night
stray wisp of hair that touched her lips, but again very flustered and happy. It was late at night and
that feeling of embarrassment came over him and Teang and the other children were asleep. Dodong
before his parents he did not want to be heard Blas's steps, for he could not sleep well of
demonstrative. nights. He watched Blas undress in the dark and lie
down softly. Blas was restless on his mat and
The hilot was wrapping the child, Dodong heard it could not sleep. Dodong called him name and
cry. The thin voice pierced him queerly. He could asked why he did not sleep. Blas said he could not
not control the swelling of happiness in him. sleep.

“You give him to me. You give him to me," Dodong "You better go to sleep. It is late," Dodong said.
said.
Blas raised himself on his elbow and muttered
------------------------------------------- something in a low fluttering voice.

Blas was not Dodong's only child. Many more Dodong did not answer and tried to sleep.
children came. For six successive years a new
child came along. Dodong did not want any more "Itay ...," Blas called softly.
children, but they came. It seemed the coming of
children could not be helped. Dodong got angry Dodong stirred and asked him what it was.
with himself sometimes.
"I am going to marry Tona. She accepted me
tonight."

3
Dodong lay on the red pillow without moving.

"Itay, you think it over."

Dodong lay silent.

"I love Tona and... I want her."

Dodong rose from his mat and told Blas to follow

him. They descended to the yard, where everything
was still and quiet. The moonlight was cold and
white.

"You want to marry Tona," Dodong said. He did not

want Blas to marry yet. Blas was very young. The
life that would follow marriage would be hard...

"Yes."

"Must you marry?"

Blas's voice stilled with resentment. "I will marry

Tona."

Dodong kept silent, hurt.

"You have objections, Itay?" Blas asked acridly.

"Son... n-none..." (But truly, God, I don't want Blas

to marry yet... not yet. I don't want Blas to marry
yet....)

But he was helpless. He could not do anything.

Youth must triumph... now. Love must triumph...
now. Afterwards... it will be life.

As long ago Youth and Love did triumph for

Dodong... and then Life.

Dodong looked wistfully at his young son in the

moonlight. He felt extremely sad and sorry for him.

4
Wedding Dance he said, “as if–as if nothing had happened.”
By Amador Daguio He looked at the woman huddled in a corner
Awiyao reached for the upper horizontal log of the room, leaning against the wall. The
which served as the edge of the headhigh stove fire played with strange moving
threshold. Clinging to the log, he lifted shadows and lights upon her face. She was
himself with one bound that carried him partly sullen, but her sullenness was not
across to the narrow door. He slid back the because of anger or hate.
cover, stepped inside, then pushed the cover
back in place. After some moments during “Go out–go out and dance. If you really
which he seemed to wait, he talked to the don’t hate me for this separation, go out and
listening darkness. dance. One of the men will see you dance
well; he will like your dancing, he will marry
“I’m sorry this had to be done. I am really you. Who knows but that, with him, you will
sorry. But neither of us can help it.” be luckier than you were with me.”
“I don’t want any man,” she said sharply. “I
The sound of the gangsas beat through the don’t want any other man.”
walls of the dark house like muffled roars of
falling waters. The woman who had moved He felt relieved that at least she talked: “You
with a start when the sliding door opened know very well that I won’t want any other
had been hearing the gangsas for she did woman either. You know that, don’t you?
not know how long. There was a sudden Lumnay, you know it, don’t you?”
rush of fire in her. She gave no sign that she
heard Awiyao, but continued to sit She did not answer him.
unmoving in the darkness.
“You know it Lumnay, don’t you?” he
But Awiyao knew that she heard him and repeated.
his heart pitied her. He crawled on all fours
to the middle of the room; he knew exactly “Yes, I know,” she said weakly.
where the stove was. With bare fingers he
stirred the covered smoldering embers, and “It is not my fault,” he said, feeling relieved.
blew into the stove. When the coals began to “You cannot blame me; I have been a good
glow, Awiyao put pieces of pine on them, husband to you.”
then full round logs as his arms. The room
brightened. “Neither can you blame me,” she said. She
“Why don’t you go out,” he said, “and join seemed about to cry.
the dancing women?” He felt a pang inside
him, because what he said was really not the “No, you have been very good to me. You
right thing to say and because the woman have been a good wife. I have nothing to say
did not stir. “You should join the dancers,” against you.” He set some of the burning

5
wood in place. “It’s only that a man must Awiyao went to the corner where Lumnay
have a child. Seven harvests is just too long sat, paused before her, looked at her
to wait. Yes, we have waited too long. We bronzed and sturdy face, then turned to
should have another chance before it is too where the jars of water stood piled one over
late for both of us.” the other. Awiyao took a coconut cup and
dipped it in the top jar and drank. Lumnay
This time the woman stirred, stretched her had filled the jars from the mountain creek
right leg out and bent her left leg in. She early that evening.
wound the blanket more snugly around
herself. “I came home,” he said. “Because I did not
find you among the dancers. Of course, I am
“You know that I have done my best,” she not forcing you to come, if you don’t want to
said. “I have prayed to Kabunyan much. I join my wedding ceremony. I came to tell
have sacrificed many chickens in my you that Madulimay, although I am
prayers.” marrying her, can never become as good as
you are. She is not as strong in planting
“Yes, I know.” beans, not as fast in cleaning water jars, not
as good keeping a house clean. You are one
“You remember how angry you were once of the best wives in the whole village.”
when you came home from your work in the
terrace because I butchered one of our pigs “That has not done me any good, has it?”
without your permission? I did it to appease She said. She looked at him lovingly. She
Kabunyan, because, like you, I wanted to almost seemed to smile.
have a child. But what could I do?”
“Kabunyan does not see fit for us to have a He put the coconut cup aside on the floor
child,” he said. He stirred the fire. The spark and came closer to her. He held her face
rose through the crackles of the flames. The between his hands and looked longingly at
smoke and soot went up the ceiling. her beauty. But her eyes looked away. Never
again would he hold her face. The next day
Lumnay looked down and unconsciously she would not be his any more. She would
started to pull at the rattan that kept the go back to her parents. He let go of her face,
split bamboo flooring in place. She tugged at and she bent to the floor again and looked at
the rattan flooring. Each time she did this her fingers as they tugged softly at the split
the split bamboo went up and came down bamboo floor.
with a slight rattle. The gong of the dancers “This house is yours,” he said. “I built it for
clamorously called in her care through the you. Make it your own, live in it as long as
walls. you wish. I will build another house for
Madulimay.”

6
“I have no need for a house,” she said She thought of the seven harvests that had
slowly. “I’ll go to my own house. My parents passed, the high hopes they had in the
are old. They will need help in the planting beginning of their new life, the day he took
of the beans, in the pounding of the rice.” her away from her parents across the
roaring river, on the other side of the
“I will give you the field that I dug out of the mountain, the trip up the trail which they
mountains during the first year of our had to climb, the steep canyon which they
marriage,” he said. “You know I did it for had to cross. The waters boiled in her mind
you. You helped me to make it for the two of in forms of white and jade and roaring
us.” silver; the waters tolled and growled,
resounded in thunderous echoes through
“I have no use for any field,” she said. the walls of the stiff cliffs; they were far
away now from somewhere on the tops of
He looked at her, then turned away, and the other ranges, and they had looked
became silent. They were silent for a time. carefully at the buttresses of rocks they had
to step on—a slip would have meant death.
“Go back to the dance,” she said finally. “It
is not right for you to be here. They will They both drank of the water then rested on
wonder where you are, and Madulimay will the other bank before they made the final
not feel good. Go back to the dance.” climb to the other side of the mountain.

“I would feel better if you could come, and She looked at his face with the fire playing
dance—for the last time. The gangsas are upon his features—hard and strong, and
playing.” kind. He had a sense of lightness in his way
of saying things which often made her and
“You know that I cannot.” the village people laugh. How proud she had
been of his humor. The muscles where taut
“Lumnay,” he said tenderly. “Lumnay, if I and firm, bronze and compact in their hold
did this it is because of my need for a child. upon his skull—how frank his bright eyes
You know that life is not worth living were. She looked at his body that carved out
without a child. The man have mocked me of the mountains five fields for her; his wide
behind my back. You know that.” and supple torso heaved as if a slab of
shining lumber were heaving; his arms and
“I know it,” he said. “I will pray that legs flowed down in fluent muscles–he was
Kabunyan will bless you and Madulimay.” strong and for that she had lost him.
She flung herself upon his knees and clung
She bit her lips now, then shook her head to them. “Awiyao, Awiyao, my husband,”
wildly, and sobbed. she cried. “I did everything to have a child,”
she said passionately in a hoarse whisper.

7
“Look at me,” she cried. “Look at my body. “If I fail,” he said, “I’ll come back to you.
Then it was full of promise. It could dance; Then both of us will die together. Both of us
it could work fast in the fields; it could climb will vanish from the life of our tribe.”
the mountains fast. Even now it is firm, full.
But, Awiyao, I am useless. I must die.” The gongs thundered through the walls of
their house, sonorous and faraway.
“It will not be right to die,” he said,
gathering her in his arms. Her whole warm “I’ll keep my beads,” she said. “Awiyao, let
naked naked breast quivered against his me keep my beads,” she half-whispered.
own; she clung now to his neck, and her
hand lay upon his right shoulder; her hair “You will keep the beads. They come from
flowed down in cascades of gleaming far-off times. My grandmother said they
darkness. come from up North, from the slant-eyed
people across the sea. You keep them,
“I don’t care about the fields,” she said. “I Lumnay. They are worth twenty fields.”
don’t care about the house. I don’t care for
anything but you. I’ll have no other man.” “I’ll keep them because they stand for the
love you have for me,” she said. “I love you.
“Then you’ll always be fruitless.” I love you and have nothing to give.”

“I’ll go back to my father, I’ll die.” She took herself away from him, for a voice
was calling out to him from outside.
“Then you hate me,” he said. “If you die it “Awiyao! Awiyao! O Awiyao! They are
means you hate me. You do not want me to looking for you at the dance!”
have a child. You do not want my name to
live on in our tribe.” “I am not in hurry.”

She was silent. “The elders will scold you. You had better
go.”
“If I do not try a second time,” he explained,
“it means I’ll die. Nobody will get the fields I “Not until you tell me that it is all right with
have carved out of the mountains; nobody you.”
will come after me.”
“It is all right with me.”
“If you fail–if you fail this second time–” she
said thoughtfully. The voice was a shudder. He clasped her hands. “I do this for the sake
“No–no, I don’t want you to fail.” of the tribe,” he said.

“I know,” she said.

8
He went to the door. The call for him from the outside repeated;
her grip loosened, and he buried out into
“Awiyao!” the night.

He stopped as if suddenly hit by a spear. In Lumnay sat for some time in the darkness.
pain he turned to her. Her face was in Then she went to the door and opened it.
agony. It pained him to leave. She had been The moonlight struck her face; the
wonderful to him. What was it that made a moonlight spilled itself on the whole village.
man wish for a child? What was it in life, in
the work in the field, in the planting and She could hear the throbbing of the gangsas
harvest, in the silence of the night, in the coming to her through the caverns of the
communing with husband and wife, in the other houses. She knew that all the houses
whole life of the tribe itself that made man were empty that the whole tribe was at the
wish for the laughter and speech of a child? dance. Only she was absent. And yet was she
Suppose he changed his mind? Why did the not the best dancer of the village? Did she
unwritten law demand, anyway, that a man, not have the most lightness and grace?
to be a man, must have a child to come after Could she not, alone among all women,
him? And if he was fruitless–but he loved dance like a bird tripping for grains on the
Lumnay. It was like taking away of his life to ground, beautifully timed to the beat of the
leave her like this. gangsas? Did not the men praise her supple
body, and the women envy the way she
“Awiyao,” she said, and her eyes seemed to stretched her hands like the wings of the
smile in the light. “The beads!” He turned mountain eagle now and then as she
back and walked to the farthest corner of danced? How long ago did she dance at her
their room, to the trunk where they kept own wedding? Tonight, all the women who
their worldly possession—his battle-ax and counted, who once danced in her honor,
his spear points, her betel nut box and her were dancing now in honor of another
beads. He dug out from the darkness the whose only claim was that perhaps she
beads which had been given to him by his could give her husband a child.
grandmother to give to Lumnay on the
beads on, and tied them in place. The white “It is not right. It is not right!” she cried.
and jade and deep orange obsidians shone “How does she know? How can anybody
in the firelight. She suddenly clung to him, know? It is not right,” she said.
clung to his neck as if she would never let Suddenly she found courage. She would go
him go. to the dance. She would go to the chief of
“Awiyao! Awiyao, it is hard!” She gasped, the village, to the elders, to tell them it was
and she closed her eyes and huried her face not right. Awiyao was hers; nobody could
in his neck. take him away from her. Let her be the first
woman to complain, to denounce the

9
unwritten rule that a man may take another and the stream water was very cold. The
woman. She would tell Awiyao to come back trail went up again, and she was in the
to her. He surely would relent. Was not their moonlight shadows among the trees and
love as strong as the river? shrubs. Slowly she climbed the mountain.

She made for the other side of the village When Lumnay reached the clearing, she
where the dancing was. There was a flaming cold see from where she stood the blazing
glow over the whole place; a great bonfire bonfire at the edge of the village, where the
was burning. The gangsas clamored more wedding was. She could hear the far-off
loudly now, and it seemed they were calling clamor of the gongs, still rich in their
to her. She was near at last. She could see sonorousness, echoing from mountain to
the dancers clearly now. The man leaped mountain. The sound did not mock her;
lightly with their gangsas as they circled the they seemed to call far to her, to speak to
dancing women decked in feast garments her in the language of unspeaking love. She
and beads, tripping on the ground like felt the pull of their gratitude for her
graceful birds, following their men. Her sacrifice. Her heartbeat began to sound to
heart warmed to the flaming call of the her like many gangsas.
dance; strange heat in her blood welled up,
and she started to run. But the gleaming Lumnay thought of Awiyao as the Awiyao
brightness of the bonfire commanded her to she had known long ago– a strong,
stop. Did anybody see her approach? muscular boy carrying his heavy loads of
fuel logs down the mountains to his home.
She stopped. What if somebody had seen She had met him one day as she was on her
her coming? The flames of the bonfire way to fill her clay jars with water. He had
leaped in countless sparks which spread and stopped at the spring to drink and rest; and
rose like yellow points and died out in the she had made him drink the cool mountain
night. The blaze reached out to her like a water from her coconut shell. After that it
spreading radiance. She did not have the did not take him long to decide to throw his
courage to break into the wedding feast. spear on the stairs of her father’s house in
token on his desire to marry her.
Lumnay walked away from the dancing The mountain clearing was cold in the
ground, away from the village. She thought freezing moonlight. The wind began to stir
of the new clearing of beans which Awiyao the leaves of the bean plants. Lumnay
and she had started to make only four looked for a big rock on which to sit down.
moons before. She followed the trail above The bean plants now surrounded her, and
the village. she was lost among them.

When she came to the mountain stream she A few more weeks, a few more months, a
crossed it carefully. Nobody held her hand, few more harvests—what did it matter? She

10
would be holding the bean flowers, soft in
the texture, silken almost, but moist where
the dew got into them, silver to look at,
silver on the light blue, blooming whiteness,
when the morning comes. The stretching of
the bean pods full length from the hearts of
the wilting petals would go on.

Lumnay’s fingers moved a long, long time

among the growing bean pods.

11