Daring Wives:

INSIGHT INTO
WOMEN’S DESIRES
FOR EXTRAMARITAL
AFFAIRS

FRANCES COHEN PRAVER

PRAEGER
Daring Wives
Daring Wives
INSIGHT INTO
WOMEN’S DESIRES FOR EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS

FRANCES COHEN PRAVER

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Praver, Frances Cohen, 1937–
Daring wives : insight into women’s desires for extramarital affairs / Frances Cohen
Praver.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0–275–98813–9 (alk. paper)
1. Adultery—United States. 2. Wives—United States—Sexual behavior.
3. Married women—United States—Psychology. I. Title.
HQ806.P74 2006
306.73'6—dc22 2005034802
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data is available.
Copyright 쑕 2006 by Frances Cohen Praver
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be
reproduced, by any process or technique, without the
express written consent of the publisher.
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2005034802
ISBN: 0–275–98813–9
First published in 2006
Praeger Publishers, 88 Post Road West, Westport, CT 06881
An imprint of Greenwood Publishing Group, Inc.
www.praeger.com
Printed in the United States of America

The paper used in this book complies with the

Permanent Paper Standard issued by the National
Information Standards Organization (Z39.48–1984).
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To all of the wives who dare to err,
repair, and create change
Contents

Acknowledgments ix

Introduction xi

1 Out of the Closet 1

2 Drastic Double Standards and Daring Wives 13

3 What a Difference a Century Makes 27

4 Not So Sweet Home 41

5 Wanderlust While They Work 63

6 Young and Restless 81

7 Older and Bolder 97

8 Remarriages and Regrets 111

9 Same-Sex Affairs 123

10 Sex Goes Awry 137

11 Conclusion 157

Notes 165

Index 175
Acknowledgments

The diverse influences on the writing of this book are multiple, stemming
from various directions—personal, sociopolitical, and professional. The first
influence began before I was born. As youngsters, my parents, Bessie, and
Sam fled the Nazis in Eastern Europe for the promise of freedom in Canada.
They were daring, indeed.
The sociopolitical climate of the sixties—the era of change and Second
Wave Feminism—had a profound influence on my sensibilities. I am indebted to
so many daring women who spearheaded the movement and changed the
consciousness of a world. I stand on the shoulders of these daring women.
In a very early phase of our relationship, my husband Bob had faith in
me. He dared to support my quest for higher learning and intellectual thought.
My son Leland has supported my creative and loving sides, just as he dares
to be true to his own creative and loving sides. I am fortunate to be the
sister of Dorothy—a woman who dares to challenge herself to grow daily.
I have also been supported and loved by my women friends—all daring,
unique women with diverse voices.
My psychoanalyst, Dr. Roberta Jelineck, has seen me through many a
trying time, encouraging me to dare to have my own voice. Debbie Carvalko,
my editor, not only dared to give me a green light to say it like it is, but
has supported my work with enthusiasm and zeal. Dr. Lew Aron has gener-
ously shared his vast insights into relational psychoanalysis and the human
condition of love. I am honored to have him support my work.
Most important, I want to thank all the daring wives in my practice who
dared to share their stories with me. It is not easy. My hat goes off to their
daring and often painful efforts to gain insight for repair of themselves and
their relationships.
Introduction

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like to keep in touch.
—Robert Orben1

The universe is made of stories, not atoms.

—Muriel Rukeyser2

Day turned into night in a matter of minutes. Turning on the lights, I

checked my watch. It read 2:00 PM. An impending storm howled through
the windows, catching me off guard. I had been lulled into thinking the un-
seasonably mild, almost balmy December days would go on and on. Spring
in winter, a tantalizing treat, turned out to be merely a hiatus. My reverie
suddenly came to an abrupt halt as reality set in. Julie had arrived. Usually
composed and dignified, but now utterly devastated, she bolted into the
therapy room.
“It’s over,” she wailed.
“Over? What’s over?” I was thunderstruck by her disheveled appearance.
She had been looking spiffy lately—svelte, coifed, and confident—a more
empowered, sexy woman.
“My life’s over,” she shouted between sobs.
Just when I thought we had turned a corner. Julie had come alive lately—
more than alive—radiant, animated, even exuberant! Our work together
seemed to be giving her a new lease on life—or so I thought. Julie and I
were on a journey to access and express her true self, her authentic self,
her innermost desires. She seemed to be making great headway.
“What happened?” I was bewildered.
xii INTRODUCTION

“He’s leaving me.” She collected herself somewhat at this point.

“Your husband’s leaving you?” I inquired.
Was her new expressiveness too much for him? Was she threatening him
with her emerging desires?
“No, it’s not my husband; he’s not leaving me. It’s Hank, my handsome
hunk; my delicious lover’s leaving me. How could he?” Her eyes welled
up again, and the tears poured relentlessly down her silk blouse. While I
felt her abject despair, other thoughts came to mind.
So, the lifting of her mood from despair to delirious joy over the last six
months was not about the work, not about a turn of events in her marriage.
What hubris to think that I had something to do with it! Her good spirits
were related to an extramarital affair with Hank. Julie had not only found
a new loving part of herself but also a new partner in love.
Julie, in the above snippet of a clinical case story, is just one of many
married women in my practice. She not only desired an extramarital affair,
but she dared to go for it. She found herself in a quandary. In the following
pages you will meet other daring wives with different stories, desires, dilem-
mas, and denouements. I hope by relating to some aspects of these wives,
you will gain insight into your self, your marriage, and your relationships.
Daring wives choose to act on their despair by engaging in extramarital
affairs. Rather than remaining inert in dead or frictional marriages and existing
in quiet desperation, discord, and emotional anguish, daring wives choose
to live more fully by engaging in extramarital affairs. Indeed, a rich life
with love, even if it means temporary pain, is a far better option than a
life not lived.
Marital strife and dissatisfaction are the most common reasons women
engage in extramarital affairs. Many wives feel helpless and hopeless prior
to an affair. Like Julie, they have not been getting their desires for attunement,
mutual power, understanding, recognition, and sensitivity met in the mar-
riage, so they seek fulfillment elsewhere. Nothing else seemed to work.
While an extramarital affair may not necessarily be the most prudent
choice, it may act as a catalyst for change in the marriage and/or the self.
People often stay in unsatisfactory marriages for the sake of their children.
Parents in miserable marriages, however, only make for miserable children.
The legacies for these children are blighted models of marital relationships.
A daring change may thus be best for both children and parents.
Not only is the act of engaging in an extramarital affair daring, but the
act of engaging in therapy is equally daring. It takes courage to enter a
course of deep analytic therapy where you face your inner demons, your
 INTRODUCTION xiii

role in the flagging marriage, and your painful past. With insight, daring
wives unravel tangled feelings of excitement and fear, joy and despair, lust
and love, so that they feel empowered to take new paths for life changes.
I, too, have lusted and longed, loved and lost, despaired and dared to
make changes. I am often plagued with the moral question of whether infi-
delity is a good or bad thing. I believe that there is no one truth about the
morality of extramarital affairs, no cut-and-dry, right or wrong truth—but
rather a relative truth. That said, most wives, however, feel their affairs em-
powered them to get on with their lives, so for them, they were a good
thing. That does not mean that affairs are a slippery slope to moral decay.
As a society we need moral judgment, but not any moral judgment. We
need fair, informed, flexible moral judgment; not arbitrary, rigid, prejudiced
moral judgment. In my practice, before placing judgment my patients and I
try to turn their infidelity inside out and derive meaning from it. Our hope
is to gain insight and garner the courage to create fresh experience.
Infidelity depends on the circumstances and the individuals involved. I
neither condone nor condemn it. Sure, some women resist their feelings,
work on their problems, and find better solutions. But, not all women are
the same; some act before they really ponder the problems thoroughly.
As we all know, we humans make plans, and God laughs. Things do not
always work out as we have planned. We cannot control all the chess pieces
on the board. The other players may have moves of their own that will
affect us. Women’s infidelity, in some cases, wreaks havoc in marriages and
may end in divorce and/or violence. It is a risk.
There is a lot to consider. When we are caught up in the passions and
pleasures of erotic desire, thinking beyond the moment of ecstasy does not
always enter our consciousness. Indeed, we are merely human, with great pos-
sibilities and weaknesses. A famous aphorism by Harry Stack Sullivan comes
to mind: “Everyone is simply much more human than otherwise.”3 So,
as diverse as we are, we are inextricably bound by our common humanity.
Diversity, multiple meaning systems and values, tolerance for differences
rather than dualities, arbitrary single-mindedness, and prejudice are themes
that reverberate throughout this book. Wives engaged in extramarital affairs
are lightning rods for discrimination and can readily be sullied with deroga-
tory terms like slut, sinner, or cheat. When you read about these daring
wives, you will no doubt see them in a different light. Each daring wife is
a unique, multifaceted person.
Just as we cannot paint all daring wives engaged in extramarital affairs
with one single brushstroke, neither can we paint a group of people of
diverse colors, races, religions, ethnicities, or sexual orientations with one
single brushstroke of prejudicial paint. Within our common humanity,
xiv INTRODUCTION

we are all different, with diverse backgrounds, personalities, and proclivities.

By grouping people into discrete groups of opposites, we fail to recognize
individual differences and run the risk of making prejudicial judgments.
I have traveled a multitude of roads to hear the many voices of daring
wives, to mine the multiple meanings of wives’ sexual experience, and to
gain insight into their diverse desires for extramarital affairs. To enrich the
journey, I have drawn on disparate disciplines that are in dynamic dialogue
with each other—psychoanalysis, feminism, postmodern philosophy, his-
tory, and pop culture. Lived experience is still one of the best guides, and
so I have illustrated these theories with vivid case studies of daring wives
in therapy with me.
As the daring wives disclose their most intimate thoughts, feelings, and
desires in the case studies, not only will you learn what makes them tick
but you will also learn a little of what makes me tick. As a contemporary,
relational psychoanalyst, I will disclose my intimate thoughts, feelings, and
desires as well. So you will be privy to the secret lives of daring wives
and one of their psychoanalysts.
To protect the confidentiality of these women, who have courageously
shared their most innermost secrets and fantasies with me, I have disguised
their identities. The case studies are composites of the interactions between
my patients and me: their relationships with others, my reactions to them,
and their reactions to me.
No matter the analytic training that emphasizes staying with the psychic
reality of patients, my own subjectivity, inevitably, enters into the analytic
dialogue. Many of the women I see are wracked with inner conflicts between
pleasurable self-indulgence—going for it—and repugnant morality, shame,
or guilt. Together these torn women and I go from side to side seeking a
balance, a way of tolerating the ambiguity, the contradictory feelings. Walk-
ing a tightrope with another person is not an easy feat. One false step, and
one of us falls. I carry with me a marginal balancing bar of theory, analytic
training, research, and clinical and personal experience.
Yet, I, too, may grope for a clearing in the fog of uncertainty. It is
unnerving to desire concrete solutions backed by certainty in the wake of
ambiguity and uncertainty—a paradox no less. We cannot, however, avoid
paradox. Paradox surrounds us, infiltrating desire, love, and human ex-
perience. The ability to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty strengthens the
balancing bar.
Note that I use the term “desire” not only as sexual desire but mainly to
signify a psychic self with will and agency. Desire and desperate need differ.
Desperate need enslaves and diminishes. Desire, on the other hand, can be
a liberating and life-expanding force. There are many times, however, that
 INTRODUCTION xv

we are desperately in need. At other times, we have the luxury to desire.

At still other times, need and desire coexist.
Many of us have had the desire for an affair. We may have harbored the
fantasy of a fling. Some women, like Julie in the above case study, have dared
to act on their desires. Other wives have not. Our desires may not be overt; they
may be secret desires. Or we may harbor unconscious desires of which we
are ashamed, so we disavow them. Like ladies-in-waiting, disavowed desires
do not really disappear; they remain out of awareness, waiting on the side-
lines ready to serve us later. Only by bringing hidden desires and lust in our
hearts into awareness and gaining insight can we make informed choices.
Many a wife has lust in her heart for the half-naked body of that sexy
film or television star. Male heartthrobs like Jude Law or Denzel Washington
are baring their brawny chests in films, much the same as women have bared
their bosoms. It seems the tables are turning. Formerly sex objects to men,
women have come into their own.
Women are expressing their erotic desires more openly. Just look at
the popularity of the Golden Globe award-winning television show Desperate
Housewives. The racy show has struck a chord with American viewers as they
identify with the dilemmas, desires, and actions of the sexy female stars.
Recent films like Unfaithful, Closer, and We Don’t Live Here Anymore also
speak to the issue of women—not only men—engaging in extramarital affairs.
More and more wives are taking lovers outside of marriage, much like
many men have done in the past. Women are catching up with men.
Estimates indicate that approximately 40 percent of women compared to
60 percent of men have engaged in an extramarital affair. The fair sex has
come out of the closet!
Women’s sexuality has shifted with the sands of time, as have their choices.
The changing roles of women have evolved over a rich historical and poli-
tical landscape. The sociopolitical constructions of oppressive eras, double
standards, artificial ideals, and unrealistic, rigid moralities lend insight into
women’s changing sexual desires.
Not so long ago, in the sexually repressive nineteenth century, the vibrator
was developed for male doctors to use to induce orgasm in female patients.
I wonder who benefited the most—the women or their doctors! You will
read about the draconian double standard and the detrimental consequences
for women’s psyches and bodies, and for society at large.
In the twentieth century, second wave feminism—a formidable force—
arrived on the scene. The movement awakened women’s consciousness of
their inner selves, allowing them agency and the will to make choices for
change. A curtain opened to a stage of female actors, diverse yet united
in their desires for recognition, autonomy, equal power, and the right to
xvi INTRODUCTION

express their sexual desires. Feminism heralded the inextricable relationship

between the personal and the political, an entwinement of individual psychic
selves with sociopolitical and cultural constructions.
Scores of married women have stepped up to the plate of economic
realities and gone back to work. You will meet working wives who shoulder
the brunt of family responsibilities in addition to their careers. You will also
meet other women who have left exciting careers to be stay-at-home wives,
often resenting their husbands and feeling unfulfilled. Within the ranks of
full-time working wives, part-time working wives, and non-working wives,
diverse voices speak out. Some are strident, some are poignant, and some
are otherwise.
Then there are younger women, older women, and women that overlap
and fall between the age lines. You will read about younger women who
define themselves as third wave feminists and their sisters steeped in traditional
moral values. Despite differences, these young wives share some similarities.
One of these similarities is the desire for personal and marital satisfaction.
Failing to achieve happiness in marriage, these wives may desire extramarital
affairs. Not only young feminists, but even conventional, religious young
wives may engage in extramarital affairs.
You will encounter older wives, influenced by second wave feminism.
These daring wives feel freer today to express their sexuality in new ways.
One of these new—and not so new—ways is by taking a younger lover.
Now, as we all well know, older men who enjoy younger women lovers
are par for the course. Times are a-changing. By taking a younger lover, an
older wife may be a daring trendsetter who deals a deathly blow to the
double standard.
Among the various wives you will meet are wives who have remarried.
They find themselves bogged down with excess baggage, stepfamilies, and
chaotic emotions. Attachments to former spouses, problems with stepchildren,
and financial concerns stir the boiling pot to overflowing. Along comes
an attentive, younger man, unencumbered, foot-loose, and fancy-free—
and bingo!
In one chapter I explore wives who take lovers of the same sex. A wife
having an affair with another woman may bear a sexual identity as bisexual
or lesbian, or she may define herself as heterosexual; it all depends on the
meaning and significance she places on her same-sex affair. Indeed, the very
definition of sexual identity varies from woman to woman.
Some wives choose variations of sexuality in which to explore their
authentic selves outside of marriage, and you will meet two of these wives.
These variations are only two of several unusual ways to express sexual
desires. The women’s behavior may seem outrageous, but if you can withhold
 INTRODUCTION xvii

judgment, I will unravel the poignant childhood trauma that spawned the
behavior. These wives are neither good nor bad, saints nor sinners, beautiful
nor ugly. They are all those things.
There are no black-and-white realities, no right or wrong answers. Each
of us is unique, and we all interpret sexual desires differently. Internal psychic
presences interact with ongoing experiences. In this book, I examine these
interacting forces—the multiplicity of experience—to glean insight into
women’s desires for extramarital affairs. My examination is written in multiple
voices: that of a clinician, a scholar, a raconteur, and a woman sharing her
personal musings and meanings.
This book is for all those wives who are thinking about having an affair,
who are having one, or who have had one or more affairs. My guess is, that
list pretty well covers most of us wives. The book is also for husbands. Every
man to whom I mentioned the topic is eagerly awaiting a copy. Husbands
want to know why wives have extramarital affairs, where daring wives are
coming from, what happens to their spouses, and what they—as husbands—
can do to prevent wives from taking lovers other than themselves.
Much like the book that features women with men as their accomplices,
I trust that women readers will also find male participants. Through a better
understanding of their wives, husbands will gain insight into their wives’
desires and inner lives. Men can also get a glimpse of the role other husbands
played in the betrayal by wives. With this book, men will better understand
what women want and need for intimacy. Regardless of gender, I believe
we all would like to feel intimate with someone and to know that we
have the ability to satisfy the intimate needs of another.
The meaning of intimacy cannot be reduced to sex. Indeed, it is so
much more. Intimacy begins with mutual understanding and recognition of
each other. I hope husbands and wives share their insights derived from this
book and together are inspired to seek honest, open, and new resolutions to
old conflicts.
I believe the book opens more questions than it answers. It may get you
thinking, questioning your desires and actions and looking for answers from
your own experiences. It is my hope that you will feel inspired to seek
creative solutions that will bring you some measure of peace of mind, love,
and fulfillment.
1
Out of the Closet
THE FAIR SEX AND INFIDELITY

We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate,
it oppresses.
—Carl Gustav Jung1

Shedding light on women’s infidelity, historically a closeted and taboo topic,

has swung into high gear. Once shameful and secreted, female indiscretions
have come out of the closet. What has happened to our demure damsels—
the fair sex? It seems wives are leading not-so-secret lives. The unspeakable
is now a hot topic of public discourse. People are talking not only about
husbands, but also wives who dare to act on their desires for extramarital
affairs.
In my practice, wives are increasingly discussing their extramarital affairs.
Of course, some wives are in therapy because of their husbands’ dalliances.
Husbands often are in therapy with problems related to their wives’ infidelity.
Although I have worked with numerous men having affairs, lately I see
more and more women having them, too.
Is the gap between men and women narrowing? What about societal
attitudes toward women having extramarital affairs? A look at pop culture
may give us some clues.

POP CULTURE IN THE NEW “MORAL” MILLENNIUM

Pop culture reflects the trends I see in my practice. The topic of women’s
infidelity sells national magazines, television talk shows, television series,
and movies. The cover story of the July 12, 2004, Newsweek reads “The
New Infidelity: From Office Affairs to Internet Hookups, More Wives Are
2 DARING WIVES

Cheating Too.” The stars of the hit television show Desperate Housewives,
launched in 2004, have made the rounds of national talk shows. Eva Longoria
(who plays Gabrielle in the show) graced the cover of the February 2005
issue of Self magazine. The five stars of Desperate Housewives strutted their
stuff on the cover of the December 29, 2004, Newsweek. The caption on
the cover was “Mad about ‘Housewives’: Behind TV’s Guilty-Pleasure Hit:
Has Pop Culture Gone Too Far?” My clinical experience leads me to believe
that pop culture may not have gone far enough. Indeed, people are hungry
to hear and talk about daring wives who enact their desires for extramari-
tal affairs.
The December 5, 2004, cover of the New York Times, Long Island section,
reads “High Infidelity.” The story is about infidelity of “real” suburban wives
whose identities have been disguised. The cable “reality show” Diary of an
Affair, which launched in 2004, features the torrid tales of “real” people.
Unlike the New York Times story, in Diary of an Affair people’s identities
are not disguised. The participants are not just men; women are also coming
forth with their stories of infidelity.
In two award-winning television series, Desperate Housewives and The
Sopranos, the female lead characters engage in extramarital affairs. Gabrielle
(played by Eva Longoria) of Desperate Housewives is dissatisfied with her
marriage. A trophy wife, Gabrielle plays a showy accessory to her high-
powered husband. He is too busy getting ahead to get into her. Feeling
ignored and exploited, Gabrielle exploits someone else to gratify her. She
dares to act on her desires and takes up with a high school hunk who services
her lawn—not to mention her sexual desires. As an extra treat, women
viewers at home get to lust over the buff body of John, Gabrielle’s lover.
Well, Gabrielle does not really get off so easily; indeed, she meets with
retribution. Her husband is hauled off to jail for illegal dealings, the free
flow of money stops, and her lavish lifestyle comes to an abrupt halt. She has
been dealt a deadly blow. Alas, poor Gabrielle must go back to work.
Bree (played by Marcia Cross), an uptight and obsessive-compulsive
woman, has shed her inhibitions and is reaching outside of the marriage to
her pharmacist. Bree’s motivation for her choice of another man is retalia-
tion at her philandering husband. In a similar vein, in The Sopranos, Carmela
(played by Edie Falco) dares to engage in an extramarital affair out of re-
venge at her husband, Tony (played by James Gandolfini). Indeed, Tony
has engaged in numerous affairs, some one-night stands, and other more
serious involvements. In all three cases, women’s infidelity is related to misery
in the marriage. These women are feeling justified, without a morsel of
guilt. They are getting something out of their affairs—attention, romance,
revenge, sex, and empowerment.
 OUT OF THE CLOSET 3

Recent films have tried to flesh out the desires of fictional women who
dare to take lovers outside of marriage. Whereas the television characters
react to troubled marriages, in film, infidelity by women may occur even
in good marriages. In the 2002 film Unfaithful, Connie Sumner (played by
Diane Lane) has it all—a handsome, successful husband in Edward Sumner
(played by Richard Gere) and a beautiful home in an affluent suburb. To
top it off, she is happily married. Indeed, the opening scene shows Connie
and Edward in bed together, in a loving embrace, enjoying the pleasures of
marital sex.
Despite all of her bounties, Connie is smitten by Paul Martel (played by
Olivier Martinez). She simply cannot resist his seductive charms. She acts
on her desires in chancy corners like a narrow hallway in a restaurant fre-
quented by her friends. So the affair of the forbidden takes on yet another
thrilling dimension. Extramarital sex is inherently risky. To top it off, the
affair is played out in dangerous, dicey places.
Without justification for an affair, Connie ends up paying a hefty price
for her lusty self-indulgence. Her guilty conscience devastates her, and her
husband finds out about the affair. Unlike nineteenth-century heroines Anna
Karenina2 and Emma Bovary,3 who dared to have extramarital affairs and
killed themselves, Connie does not die. Her lover does. Perhaps her failing
marriage and her internal pain and guilt are punishment enough. Even here,
in the year 2002, there is a sense of moral justice.
In contrast to Unfaithful, where dysfunctional marriage is not the motiva-
tion for female infidelity, in the 2003 film We Don’t Live Here Anymore, it
decidedly is the case. The marriages here are in deep trouble—the impetus
for wives having affairs. Terry Linden (played by Laura Dern) is married
to Jack Linden (played by Mark Ruffalo). Edith Evans (played by Naomi
Watts) is married to Hank Evans (played by Peter Krause). The two cou-
ples exchange partners. The affairs act as catalysts for change. Terry’s critical
husband demoralizes her. Even though he coerces her into an affair, she is
devastated with remorse. Terry uses her affair as a signal for a marriage
overhaul.
Edith’s husband has casual affairs and ignores her. In turn, Edith has an
affair with her husband’s best friend. Rather than remorse, she feels em-
powered by the affair and decides to leave the painful marriage. The
extramarital affairs for both women were born out of flagging relation-
ships, and not undertaken just for fun.
The disturbing, sad, and salacious 2004 film Closer takes a different slant
on women’s infidelity. Here the relationships of two couples are not flawed;
instead, it is the characters who are flawed and so very vulnerable. Anne
(played by Julia Roberts) marries Larry (played by Clive Owen) and reengages
4 DARING WIVES

in an affair with the sexy Dan (played by Jude Law). Unconscious, disavowed
sadistic and masochistic traits are enacted in cruel and painful ways. Often,
the sadistic and masochistic enactments are conscious and intentional.
Larry is a crude, superficial character who functions at a primitive,
caveman level. Interestingly, he is cast as a dermatologist, where his work
is only skin-deep. Anne subjugates herself to his animalistic power. I see
similar attractions by many women in my practice. Are women still dis-
avowing their animalistic, powerful parts? Do gentle, kind women desire
rough, ruthless men in order to vicariously live through their power?
Some do.
Alice (played by Natalie Portman) is a stripper, and she strips men of their
power. She beguiles men and renders them her powerless slaves, placing
her in the one-up, powerful master role. At other times, she reverses the
roles with a man; she becomes the slave and he becomes the master. Her
sadistic and masochistic sides are always split off from each other, and they
alternate. Does any of this strike a familiar chord? Have you been on either
or both sides of a power struggle for dominance?
In the above examples, the characters and the motivations for daring to act
on their desires vary from situation to situation. Either the marriages are un-
raveling or the partners themselves are unraveling. Extramarital affairs are not
undertaken merely as an expulsion of sexual drives. It seems our pop culture
does not portray wives having affairs simply to express their sexuality—
motivations are far deeper. Another telling aspect of pop culture’s take on
infidelity is that women taking lovers are right up there with men. So, in the
media the double standard is beginning to wane. Indeed, in television and
films the fair sex has come out of the closet!
While current pop culture shows women’s desires for extramarital affairs
stemming from inner problems or interpersonal problems, a glimpse of pop
culture in the sixties and seventies tells a different story. Sociopolitical forces
have always influenced women’s sexuality, but never quite so radically as in
the sixties and seventies.

POP CULTURE IN THE SEXY SIXTIES AND SEVENTIES

Three decades ago, a sexual revelation swept the nation. At the height of
the women’s liberation movement, many women engaged in extramari-
tal sex, not necessarily as a statement of marital dissatisfaction or of internal
conflict. Women having sex outside of marriage were, in part, protesting
society’s repressive restraints on their sex lives. The unbuckling of pent-
up sexual drives was an integral part of the social climate. The double standard
in sexual matters was under attack, and women aimed their extramarital
sex at redressing sexual inequality. Emboldened by second wave feminism,
 OUT OF THE CLOSET 5

women donned a defiant “If they can do it, so can we” stance. Men were
no longer the only ones to enjoy self-indulgent pleasure; women dared to
do the same.
The “hippie” youth counterculture proclaimed a rebellious anti-establishment
cry. The social mores of free love and openness of youthful hippies filtered
into the sex lives of bourgeois couples. The freewheeling social mores of the
late 1960s and 1970s were reflected in the popular culture offerings.
In the 1969 hit film Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, Carol (played by Natalie
Wood) is married to Bob (played by Robert Culp). Alice (played by Dyan
Cannon) is married to Ted (played by Elliott Gould). The foursome tries
on the hippie cultural trends of permissiveness, free love, husband swapping,
and sexual openness. Marriage vows are not really broken; they are revised.
It is not a matter of infidelity, as no trust has been broken. Candor is the
order of the day, so women feel freer to be daring and act on their sexual
desires.
In the best-selling 1973 book Fear of Flying,4 Erica Jong coins the phrase
“the zipless fuck,” a descriptor of the open abandon of her hero Isadora
Wing. Even though none of her lovers satisfy her in ways other than sex,
Isadora dares to defy all convention. She engages in promiscuous sexual infi-
delity just for sex and the fun of it. She is a woman of her times. Throngs
of women readers were repulsed, yet riveted to Isadora’s sexy antics and
Erica Jong’s explicit, no-holds-barred language.
In a popular non-fiction 1975 book, author Linda Wolfe uses the title
Playing Around,5 suggesting that women took a cavalier approach to extra-
marital sex. Oh yes, the subtitle is Women and Extramarital Sex, suggesting
that women’s affairs are more about sex than anything else. Indeed, the au-
thor tells us that this was the zeitgeist in the seventies. It seems that women
of her time took lovers as freely as they changed hairdos.
The pop culture of the sixties and seventies presented quite a different
picture from that of our new millennium’s “moral values” message. An ethos
of free love—extramarital sex as a discharge of sex drives—has been replaced
by a new morality. Wives’ extramarital affairs reflected in the current pop
culture offerings are more about conflicts in marriage or conflicts within the
individual. Such also seems to be the case in my practice with wives daring
to have extramarital affairs. These wives are distressed about their marriages
or themselves.
Many other cultural forces of the seventies continue to influence wom-
en’s psyches today. Once women’s infidelity is out of the closet, it cannot
go back into the closet. Indeed, once a bell has been rung we cannot un-
ring it. Women who stray are causing quite a stir in our more conservative
culture.
6 DARING WIVES

Female infidelity flies in the face of the new buzzword “moral values.”
Perhaps the paradox of liberal sexual behavior in a climate of conservative
social values is part of the mystique, and perhaps the fascination has deeper
psychological meanings.

PSYCHOLOGY OF POP CULTURE: BEHIND CLOSED

PSYCHIC DOORS
Speaking of paradox and conflict, what are the psychological underpinnings
of the nation’s entrancement with women’s infidelity? What processes in our
psyches are set in motion by pop culture’s deviant characters? How does
pop culture reflect our innermost desires, attractions, and repulsions? Pop cul-
ture has exposed sexual matters that were once hidden behind closed doors.
Nevertheless, shadowy secrets may still remain behind closed doors, locked
in our minds.
Audiences love to watch others take paths they themselves secretly long
for and fantasize and dream about, but would not dare to take themselves.
Unaware of these desires, they may remain unrealized behind closed doors in
our unconscious. We may have felt dismayed, yet drawn to deviant television
and film characters living out their desires. Perhaps the paradox of disgust and
fascination is part of the intrigue of The Sopranos. Indeed, these characters dare
to act out our split-off parts, our sadistic, salacious sides.
We psychoanalysts have some thoughts on this paradoxical phenomenon.
Here is how I see it. We usually cherish our loving, kind, sweet sides and
dread our hateful, sadistic, and salacious sides.6 We like to be thought of
as “nice people”—which is in line with our sense of our ideal selves. So, at
an unconscious level, we go through uncanny transformations.
We disavow our dirty, dark sides and show the world our spotless, bright
sides. But our disavowed parts, hidden behind closed doors, are itching to
rear their ugly heads. These disowned parts may make their appearances in
disguised ways. Passive-aggressive behavior is one way of enacting split-off
sides. Another way is to spot them in others, which we call projection. Still
another way is to vicariously experience them through others who dare to
act on their detested parts. Television and film characters are perfect vehi-
cles for our split-off parts to find themselves. They act as a conduit for us
to live out vicarious thrills with impunity.
Many of us have identified with Carmela, the female star of The Sopranos. A
long-suffering mafia wife, Carmela feels stuck in her marriage. She finally
throws her husband Tony out and then proceeds to take a lover. How
many of us have rooted for her? I know I did. She dared to do what some
of us desire, but do not do. I’ll bet you were disappointed that the affair did
not work out.
 OUT OF THE CLOSET 7

As for Gabrielle in Desperate Housewives, many of us would surely like to

be in her skin when she goes for it with her sexy boy-toy. Some women
dare to go for it and identify with her, whereas others do not. Still others
may not be aware of their disavowed desires. Nevertheless, very few women
watchers turn off the tube during Gabrielle’s illicit sex scenes.
The Oedipus story that Sigmund Freud made so popular comes to mind
with Gabrielle and her younger lover, John. Freud’s version of the story
is based on a Greek myth, where Oedipus sleeps with his mother and kills
his father. Of course, his mother sleeps with him, so her behavior is equally
incestuous. Is Gabrielle’s attraction to a young high school lad partly due to
unconscious incestuous wishes toward a symbolic son? Is John’s attraction
to Gabrielle partly based on his incestuous wishes for a symbolic mother?
Indeed, John has won the oedipal battle with Gabrielle’s husband in more
than one way. A penniless high school kid claims victory over an older,
successful man. Now that has got to be a mind-boggling ego trip!
What about Connie’s daring behavior with a seductive sexy hunk in
Unfaithful? Not all of us get to meet a heartthrob like Olivier Martinez or
would carry on with him if we did. In some dark hidden recess of our minds,
the desire for such an affair may, nevertheless, be part of why we are mes-
merized by Connie’s steamy affair.
Women can also play out the oedipal family drama. The gender roles are
reversed. So, unconscious incestuous wishes for their fathers result in rivalry
with mothers and other women. We do not get to see Connie’s relationship
with her mother, but we get a glimpse of her unconscious competitive
fantasies toward women. She has a torrid sex escapade within eyeshot and
earshot of her women friends. Connie may unconsciously wish to be ex-
posed so that she can flaunt her winnings to her women friends.
For many women in unhappy marriages, the characters and situations
played by Laura Dern and Naomi Watts sure hit home. Their dilemmas are
not a far stretch for women whose marriages are failing. But not everyone in
a bad marriage takes a lover. Some women may disown their desires for a
lover, condemning them as morally repugnant. They may unconsciously live
out their disowned desires through Dern and Watts. Other women may
be more aware of their desires and openly identify with Dern and Watts.
In the film Closer, we get a close look at the dark sides of people. The
characters in the film are not exactly “nice” people. They are nasty, noxious,
conniving, cruel, sadistic; or saccharine, suffering, sardonic, masochistic, and
martyring. The characters have each split off one aspect of their personalities
and projected it onto another partner who enacts it. So, sadism alternates
with masochism, as do power with powerlessness; niceness with nastiness;
and tender, sensual sex with crude, kinky sex. This film can be a field day for
8 DARING WIVES

our disowned and despicable traits. If we are more candid with ourselves,
we can see our detested parts in these characters. There is something com-
pelling about seeing others act out our secret, or not-so-secret, dark sides.
We may harbor implicit desires, but the characters of pop culture are ex-
plicit in their daring behavior.
Pop culture, of course, is replete with sensational stories of fictional female
characters. Let us see whether statistics of non-fictional, ordinary women
can give us the real scoop.

STATISTICS OF SEX ON THE SIDE

The heightened focus on female infidelity raises still other questions. Just
how many women are engaged in extramarital affairs? Is there an increase
in the numbers of wives having affairs? Are wives catching up with husbands?
Are extramarital affairs necessarily related to marital dissatisfaction? Can sta-
tistics give us clear, consistent answers?
In researching the data, I have come across discrepant findings on the
incidence of women’s infidelity. At one extreme, Shere Hite (author of
the groundbreaking survey The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female
Sexuality7), in the more recent book Women and Love: The New Hite Report,8
claimed that 70 percent of women engaged in extramarital affairs, compared
to 72 percent of men. Hite asserted that wives were having almost as many
affairs as husbands were.
At the other extreme, the 1996 survey by the National Opinion Research
Center at the University of Chicago9 found that only 11 percent of women
engaged in extramarital affairs, compared to 21 percent of men. This study
revealed that male infidelity was twice that of women’s infidelity, which
contradicts Hite’s assertion.
Somewhere in the middle, popular book authors10, 11 estimate the preva-
lence of women’s infidelity at 30–60 percent, with male rates of 50–70
percent, only slightly higher. Similar to Hite, these authors estimated that
women were catching up with men.
In a review of the popular literature, author Carol Botwin12 reported an
increasing rate of wifely infidelity. Her evidence was based on polls taken by
Alfred Kinsey in his 1953 report Sexual Behavior in the Human Female13 and
popular magazines including Psychology Today in 1970, Redbook in 1975,
Playboy in 1982, Playgirl in 1984, New Woman in 1986, and Woman in 1989.
She found that the incidence of female infidelity over a period of thirty-six
years rose steadily from 26 percent in 1953 to 50 percent in 1989—
almost double. The author14 concluded that men were still having more
extramarital affairs than women, but that the gap between them was
closing.
 OUT OF THE CLOSET 9

The scholarly research sheds additional light. Recently, researchers15, 16 re-

ported that women engaged in extramarital affairs almost as much as men
did. One recent study17 showed that the incidence of female infidelity was
the same as that of male infidelity. With the exception of the University of
Chicago study,18 scholarly researchers corroborate the popular literature’s
assertions. They also find an increasing rate of female infidelity and a nar-
rowing of the gap between men and women.
Recently, researchers19 looked more closely at the national random data
of the University of Chicago National Opinion Research.20 Based on the
University of Chicago’s data, a new study of 4,118 participants21 found,
similar to the original study, that a greater number of men compared to women
reported extramarital sex. Upon examining the age factor, however, the statis-
tics took on a different meaning. At age forty-five and younger, the incidence
of lifetime extramarital sex was the same for women as for men. This finding
corroborated another scholarly finding.22 Why might this be the case?
The growing number of women in the workforce over the past twenty
years23 may be a contributing cultural factor that explains the increasing
rate of women’s infidelity. Indeed, women in the workforce may have more
opportunities than they previously had as stay-at-home wives. Opportu-
nity, coupled with a greater feeling of power and financial independence,
may account for some of the rise in female infidelity. Men have always had
opportunities in the workplace, and now women have them too; this may
partly explain the narrowing of the gap.
Another age and gender factor in the above study24 struck me as salient.
Whereas younger women showed the same incidence of infidelity as men,
older women did not. Women aged sixty showed a markedly lower inci-
dence of lifetime infidelity than men showed. They reported less than one
half the incidence of infidelity that men their age reported. This finding
coincides with the review of the popular literature25 cited above. The author
provided evidence that women in 1970 (approximately age sixty now)
reported considerably less infidelity than women in 1989 (approximately age
forty-five).
The wide difference between younger women (forty-five and under) and
older women (age sixty) may reflect another cultural effect. The double
standard may no longer hold as much sway in today’s cultural climate as it
did thirty years ago. So younger women today may be less influenced by
the double standard than older women were.
Women born sixty-some years ago were the first generation to experience
the women’s liberation movement. Many of these women born in the late
1930s were still steeped in cultural mores espousing the double standard.
While many women in the late 1960s and 1970s gained a new consciousness
10 DARING WIVES

of their sexuality, not all women did. A sweeping sea change takes time. It
took much longer for the notion of sexual equality to affect many a woman’s
behavior. So, this may partly explain why older women reported much
lower incidences of infidelity than men, and younger women reported the
same incidence of infidelity as men.
The candor of people’s responses to surveys may also be a confounding
factor. It is unclear whether younger women really engaged in a greater
incidence of extramarital affairs than older women, or whether they felt
freer to disclose this information than their more conservative sisters. Indeed,
the double standard may affect both disclosure and true incidence, making
it hard to tease them apart.
Perhaps the strongest finding shown by a number of researchers26, 27 is
the powerful relationship between marital dissatisfaction and infidelity. Upon
further examination of the relationship between marital dissatisfaction and
infidelity, researchers28 found that relationships were on a continuum. Cou-
ples who were “not too happy” with their marriages were almost four times
more likely to have affairs than couples who were “very happy.” Couples
who were “pretty happy” in their marriages were only twice more likely
to engage in affairs than those who were “very happy.”
In another large survey of couples, however, researchers29 failed to find
any relationship between infidelity and marital dissatisfaction. In yet another
study, the researcher30 found that the relationship of marital dissatisfaction
and infidelity was greater for women than for men.
These data suggest that marital unhappiness is a large contributing factor
to infidelity. Also, the degree of unhappiness may be related to the degree
of infidelity. The data also indicate that women are more likely than men
to have extramarital affairs because of unhappiness in the marriage.
If your head is spinning a little by now, be assured that statistics can be
mind-boggling. Taken together, in the popular and scholarly literature,
there is no consistent prevalence of women’s infidelity across studies. With
one exception,31 there appears to be an increase in the number of women
daring to engage in extramarital affairs; and women are catching up with
men. The year women were born also influences data on female infidelity.
The strong relationship between marital dissatisfaction and infidelity is greater
for women than men. So women, more than men, are likely to engage in
extramarital affairs when they are not happy in their marriages.
Still and all, the discrepancies among studies beg a crucial question. What
are some of the factors that may confound or bias statistical studies of infidelity?
Indeed, unseen extraneous factors may bias even stringent research. The na-
ture of the questions posed to participants varies from study to study. Some
studies are more rigorous than others.
 OUT OF THE CLOSET 11

Another extraneous factor may contaminate all research based on surveys

or polls. The attitude and feelings of people who respond to surveys about
an intimate matter like infidelity may very well differ from those of people
who do not respond. For example, some people who are inhibited, suspi-
cious, or too busy to respond may have engaged in extramarital affairs and
are unwilling to respond. In certain age brackets, people may be more
willing to respond candidly than in others. Whereas some women may be
less willing to disclose infidelity, some men may exaggerate or brag about
their affairs.
A different type of person may respond to a Playboy magazine survey than
to a conservative survey conducted by the University of Chicago. People may
withhold information, minimize, unconsciously forget or exaggerate, boast,
and even lie.
So, what can actually be gleaned from statistics? At best, statistics can only
be a guide, but certainly not a given. Statistical data across studies are not
always clear and consistent. What seems to have greater clarity is that the
topic of women’s infidelity is the talk of the town.
Authors are writing books and magazine stories; researchers are conducting
studies; and wives on television, in films, and in my practice are having affairs.
In our era of openness, teens talk freely about their sexual experiences. Open
a magazine, turn on the television, and sexy symbols boldly stare out at you.
Terms like transparency applied to political and business figures are on the
horizon. In an effort to provide in vivo, candid coverage of wars, reporters
are “embedded” with troops. No doubt, the zeitgeist facilitates frank, public
discourse of hush-hush, private matters; and that shows promise. Only
through open dialogue can societal change take place.
In our more open society, the influence of the double standard seems to
be diminishing somewhat, and women are becoming more daring. Indeed,
female infidelity is out of the closet. How did this all come about? To
understand the present, it is important to understand the past. Allow me
to take you on a guided tour through the pages of history. The experience
is bound to provide further insight into women’s desires for extramarital
affairs.
2
Drastic Double Standards
and Daring Wives

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
—George Santayana1

For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.

—Virginia Woolf

ANCESTRAL ROOTS
The years leading up to the nineteenth century revealed the roots of drastic
double standards and daring wives. Before we embark on a path to examine
the ancestry of the double standard, let us take a slight detour. One of
the factors that have profoundly influenced the double standard of infidelity
is the age-old nature versus culture debate.

Nature versus Culture

Popular wisdom tells us that men are by nature more highly sexed and
promiscuous than women. According to this logic, men must be more adulter-
ous than women. It follows then that the double standard—acceptance of
male infidelity and repudiation of female infidelity—arose out of these same,
unfounded leanings. A social construction simply followed genetic proclivit-
ies. Hormones came ahead of honor for men.
In our evolutionary past, polygamy was the rule of law for most apes.
Yet, the male gibbon, considered to be Homo sapiens’ closest relative,
practiced monogamy. Indeed, the male gibbon had a “wife” to whom he was
faithful. The chimpanzee, however, practiced polygamy, and the female
mated with several males in swift succession. What is more, she had no ties
to any of them.2
14 DARING WIVES

It is unclear whether genes or the environment led to greater promiscuity

for female chimpanzees than males. What is clear is that no double standard
existed in prehistoric times. Much to our surprise, female infidelity was
greater than male infidelity in certain ape species.
Of course, that information relates to apes. But what about Homo sapiens?
Many people have bought the notion that, even in prehistoric times, men
were more promiscuous, and in turn more adulterous, than women. I thought
so, too, until I researched the literature and found that early history does
not really support that notion. Similar to chimpanzees, at times in early
history women were more promiscuous than men.3 Scores of women died
in childbirth, leaving them in the minority and more sought after.4 Hence,
a cultural construction influenced women’s sexuality.
In the medieval period, the game of courtly love became the fashion of
the day for the upper classes. In this game, a high-ranking married lady
took a young lover of a lower rank. Does this remind you of high-ranking
Gabrielle of Desperate Housewives taking a lower-ranking young gardener as
her lover? Courtly love was a cultural construction in the twelfth century,
as it is today.
In the early era of America’s settlement, women in the Chesapeake area
were in the minority.5 Knowing that they could easily remarry, they engaged
in extramarital sex rather freely. The abundance of men gave Chesapeake
women more opportunities for affairs with laborers, neighbors, or business
partners of their husbands. Once again, a cultural construction was the
contributing factor to female infidelity.
Now, let us look at another cultural factor. Throughout history, human
beings clung to each other romantically in threatening times, and were more
promiscuous during peaceful times.6 This finding is supported by current
research. A new study on “terror management theory” indicates that romantic
commitment acts as a buffer in times of terror.7 Another study8 suggests that
close relationships regulate fear of death.
These findings led me to muse on the effect of our current era of terrorism
on monogamy. I wonder whether men and women will be more motivated
to seek greater romantic and sexual fulfillment in committed marriages,
rather than in extramarital affairs. After 9/11, throngs of people immediately
contacted their spouses. In my practice, an estranged wife contacted her
detested ex-husband, and they went home together. Some of my married
women patients who were having affairs called their husbands first and then
their lovers. Inevitably, they spent the traumatic evening of 9/11 at home
with their spouses, not their lovers.
Overall, in early history the double standard, commonly thought to
be biological, has been mainly a cultural construction. One could argue
 DRASTIC DOUBLE STANDARDS AND DARING WIVES 15

that approval of male infidelity and disapproval of female infidelity has

evolutionary roots. Indeed, the female’s estrus cycle limits her ability to
propagate the species, so, for survival of the species, males required more
females with whom to mate. But we have come a long way from that
thinking; education has rendered this notion obsolete. With a population
explosion placing a strain on natural resources, countries like China limit
birth rates. If we are to rely on archaic genetic or evolutionary theories, we
will only perpetuate gender prejudice and the double standard. We cannot
change nature, but through cultural change we can modify nature—a hopeful
prognosis for humankind.

DOUBLE STANDARDS FOR STRAYING SPOUSES

The double standard goes back to biblical times. King Solomon had 700
wives and 300 concubines. In sharp contrast, if a woman strayed she was
stoned to death. Tragically, we still hear of adulterous wives stoned to death
in some areas of Africa and the Middle East. In the second century in Rome,
Emperor Augustus instituted penalties for adultery. These penalties applied
only to women, not to men. Upon discovery of his wife’s infidelity, a
husband was mandated to divorce her. She lost her dowry and one-third
of her property and was banished. Another man wishing to marry her
risked criminal offense. Consequently, she was left humiliated, penniless,
and alone for the rest of her life.9
In ancient times, adulterous wives came to a bad end, with one exception.
If infidelity with a man of a higher rank led to a rise in her station, a
woman was rewarded.10 So, a conniving woman who bettered herself
through a man was held in high esteem. At that time, the only way a woman
could better her station, if not by birth, was through a man. So, even though
she was not punished for her infidelity, her fate was nevertheless contingent
on a man.
In ancient Assyria, adulterous wives had their noses cut off or were killed
at the behest of their husbands. But, this was not the case if the adultery
led to a rise in her class. Semiramis, married to an officer in King Ninus’s
army, took up with Ninus himself. She left her marriage and married the
king. When he died, Semiramis ruled though her young son. Following an
affair with King David, the biblical Bathsheba left her husband and married
David. Bathsheba became queen and Solomon’s mother.11 Most of the time,
however, the adulteress brought misery to herself or others.
In first-century BC Greece, excising of the clitoris was practiced to prevent
female promiscuity and infidelity. Much to our dismay, these ghastly practices
persist among fundamentalist Muslim and African women today. A shocking
16 DARING WIVES

statistic, reported in the London Observer in 1970, informs us that 90 percent

of women interviewed by the Cairo Family Planning Association had had
some part of the clitoris or labia removed.12
The Christian church from the seventh to the eleventh century had a
formidable influence on people’s sex lives. Sex was transformed into a sin,13
and society plunged into the Dark Ages. The Hebraic and Greek negative
view of women as sexually voracious temptresses of righteous men permeated
the early Christians.14 The Church denigrated women as primitive and as
seductresses. It viewed women as the “weaker vessels,” who did not have
mastery over their passions.15 The fair sex was to hide her beauty, lest
she seduce men to commit lascivious sins, as Eve did to Adam. This
double standard continues today in religious Hebrew and Muslim cultures and
to some extent influences all Judeo-Christian religions.
The twelfth century ushered in the game of courtly love. Young men
called troubadours composed love songs and wooed married women of
the noble class. Class and age distinction were central features of the love
songs. The romantic troubadour of a lower class was also younger than
the high-ranking, older married lady. Not only was the lady of superior age
and class, she was also unattainable, virtuous, and admirable.16 Her affair
with a younger man did nothing to diminish her stature; rather the affair
elevated it.
In the love song, the hero struggles to become worthy of his lady. Finally,
she falls in love with him. It is thought that in real life, the lady follows
the song and engages in an extramarital affair. Indeed, it would be naive
to think otherwise, given the love talk, illicit meetings, kisses, and ogling
of each other’s naked bodies.17 If this sounds like a reversal of the double
standard, it is not. Courtly love was reserved for high-ranking ladies. Of
course, it was her husband who provided the lady her status.
Courtly love resurfaced in France in the eighteenth century, in which
idle rich wives had affairs freely. High-ranking wives led frivolous lives,
made possible by their husbands or lovers, who escorted them.18 So, even
though women seemingly enjoyed equal sexual liberties, it was because of
men. Indeed, gender relations influenced the double standard.
The 1988 film Dangerous Liaisons, based on an eighteenth-century novel,
depicts this game of love between Valmont and Madame de Tourvel. The
film stars John Malkovich as Sébastien de Valmont and Michelle Pfeiffer as
Madame de Tourvel. The story of passion, women’s infidelity, deception,
and betrayal is still fascinating in our modern sophisticated culture.
In Turkey around 1716, wives paraded openly with their lovers and their
husbands. They were more respected by the rank of their lovers than
their husbands.19 In contrast, in England women’s infidelity was secreted, to
 DRASTIC DOUBLE STANDARDS AND DARING WIVES 17

preserve the notion of the virtuous wife. So, different cultures had different
takes on women’s infidelity.
In reviewing the literature, I noticed an intriguing contradiction. The
irreligious practice of female infidelity in courtly love flourished at the height
of the Church’s power.20 In a similar vein, exposure of women’s infidelity
thrives in our current climate of conservative, traditional “moral values.”
For a short time, among the noble classes the double standard took a hit.
Women’s sexuality was elevated, and love was ennobled. But this blow to the
double standard in the noble classes did not necessarily filter down to the
lower classes.
Women in the lower classes were still subjected to the double standard.
Middle-class merchants called burghers in the fourteenth century locked up
their money and their wives when they were away. To prevent their infidel-
ity, wives were required to wear chastity belts for which only their husbands
held the keys. Jokes about spare keys for lovers made the rounds.21 As we
well know, there is much truth said in jest. Even chastity belts did not
prevent female infidelity.
Nor did the influence of puritanical ethics in colonial times prevent female
infidelity. Records of adultery trials in the mid-eighteenth century reveal
female infidelity in the American colonies and England.22 In the tightly knit
Puritan communities, people spied on their neighbors, and their testimony
in court was enough to convict someone of adultery.23 Titillating accounts
of adultery were available for the public’s entertainment, as pornography
is today.
Although men could get a divorce if their wives were unfaithful, women
could not get a divorce if their husbands were unfaithful. It was not until 1932
that Englishwomen could get a divorce if their husbands were unfaithful.24
In 1631, Massachusetts enacted the death penalty for female adultery. In
turn, male adultery was merely considered fornication. If that is not the
double standard, I wonder what is! Nevertheless, risking severe punishment
or death, some wives dared to act on their desires.
It seems that early in our history, in moralistic or puritanical cultures, the
double standard reigned supreme. Yet, wifely infidelity found its way. If
anything, daring women have always defied their cultures’ repressive restric-
tions and acted on their desires. Risking so much could well provide
additional thrills to the forbidden act of infidelity. Will our current
culture promoting moralistic sanctions on sexuality backfire? Will history
repeat itself ?
Join me in a tour of the ghastly effects of the double standard on women
not so long ago. You may be shocked by some of the egregious acts committed
on women simply because of their gender.
18 DARING WIVES

THE NINETEENTH CENTURY

There have been women in the past far more daring than we would need to be
now, who ventured all and gained a little, but survived after all.
—Germaine Greer

Female Fate Due to the Double Standard

The double standard of the nineteenth century had horrific repercussions
on women and on society at large. Painted as a pillar of purity, middle-
class wives found it flattering to be elevated. They were revered as vulnera-
ble and virginal—as pure angels. Middle-class wives became languid, listless,
and inert—wilting creatures. Their powerful, chivalrous husbands protected
them from the vulgarities of the real world.25 In turn, wives worshipped their
godlike husbands, in whose good graces they were fortunate enough to bask.
A demure, delicate wife shuddered at the thought of sex. She only tolerated
this “disgusting” act for her husband’s gratification. She was taught—and she
bought—the idea that she was undersexed, and that sex was disgusting and
dirty. Sex, revolting as it was, had its place. A proper wife submitted to it
solely for procreation and certainly not for pleasure. No such prohibitions
on sex applied to husbands.
Making love to the gentle, pure “angel of the house” was not exactly a
wonderful sexual experience for a husband.26 Society granted license to
men to engage freely in their sexual “instincts.” The result was an explosion
in prostitution and venereal disease in Europe and America. The dichotomous
ethos of the pure woman and the fallen woman split the sex lives of women
into two distinct categories. The polarities of the virginal wife and the whore
had dire effects for all women.
The rampant spread of venereal disease led to a craze for virgins, adoles-
cents, and eventually young girls.27 At mid-century in America, some
brothels offered child prostitutes. A similar social more of wives enduring
sex strictly for procreation influenced southern plantations in America. To
protect their wives’ virtue, husbands readily took women slaves to satisfy
their sexual desires.28 How gallant!
The Mormon religion in America preached the double standard. The
founder Joseph Smith introduced polygamy for husbands in 1843; Brigham
Young made polygamy a central Mormon principle in 1852. Polygamy
advocated that men take multiple wives, but women were not to engage in
extramarital affairs. We can still find remnants of this practice here in America.
According to the influential writer Alexis de Tocqueville, the American
pioneer wife was revered because of her qualities of devotion, submission, and
self-denial.29 A few writers of the time had more realistic insights into wives’
 DRASTIC DOUBLE STANDARDS AND DARING WIVES 19

desires. D. H. Lawrence described the homestead wife as a poor, haggard

drudge.30 Hamlin Garland understood that wives’ repression cost them their
sanity, and that they filled the insane asylums.31 Unfortunately, these writers
were in the minority, and their words were overridden by the influence of
more prestigious medical physicians.
In his book The Horrors of the Half Known Life, G. J. Barker-Benfield32
describes chilling accounts of the female fate due to the double standard.
Prominent men like best-selling author Reverend John Todd and Augustus
Kinsley Gardner, gynecologist and president of the American Medical Associ-
ation, convinced the medical establishment that only men could perform
gynecology. They declared that women were just too delicate to handle the
horrors of medicine or to work with black women.
The result was that women were in the hands of male doctors with
appalling agendas of their own. Citing Gardner’s diatribe on women’s “hei-
nous sins” of masturbation, contraception, and abortion, Todd dealt a critical
blow to the female fate.33 He asserted that women’s psychological disorders
were the result of their sexual transgressions. All of women’s problems stemmed
from their physiology—their wombs. By the early 1870s, male gynecologists
began to practice surgical treatment on women’s genitals for all of their
emotional and mental health problems.34
Excision of the clitoris (clitoridectomy) to cure masturbation, and female
castration (removal of the ovaries) to cure insanity were only two of
the atrocities committed by sadistic male gynecologists. The narcissistic J.
Marion Sims, father of gynecology, by his own admission held hostile and
aggressive views of women’s sexual organs. In his role as the “architect of
the vagina,” Sims initiated cruel and inhumane surgical treatments to “help”
women heal and conceive. Sims cut into these despised female organs and
used them as material for his personal standing among men.35 He believed that
the uterus should be as pliant as its bearer was to the male will.36 The
gynecologist’s role was to surgically shape, destroy obstacles in, and redesign
the womb for optimal inward flow of sperm.37 Never was there a thought
of male infertility; the blame fell on the woman.
The Women’s Hospital was founded as a demonstration ground for
Sims’s surgical skills.38 His guinea pigs were poor, often Irish immigrant,
women. One of his hapless victims, Mary Smith, endured thirty operations
in the three years between 1856 and 1859.39
In his book A Dark Science: Women, Sexuality and Psychiatry in the Nineteenth
Century, J. F. Masson draws on original French and German medical jour-
nals published between 1865 and 1900 that were written in the physicians’
own words. Sadistic male doctors performed atrocious, cruel surgeries on
innocent women. Masson reveals how prominent men abused their power
20 DARING WIVES

to warp and destroy women’s sexual, and sometimes emotional and physi-
cal, selves.40
To treat psychological problems, male physicians performed outlandish
treatments and surgeries including castration (removal of the ovaries), excision
of the clitoris, and surgical removal of parts of the cervix. Some of the so-
called “symptoms” were vices like masturbation or an erotic smile. In one case,
the patient was an innocent ten-year-old female child. The physician both
punished and tried to cure her of what he called her perverse, evil ways
(masturbation) by administering electric shocks to her clitoris. When that
did not work, the physician cauterized her clitoris with a red-hot iron.
Another shocking true story is the amputation of the clitoris and labia
minora to treat vaginismus (a constriction of the vagina, considered to be
one of the causes of female frigidity). Similar horrific treatments were used
to treat hysteria—convulsions, agitation, and depression—found in women.
It was thought that diseased wombs caused hysteria; and so, no doubt,
castration would cure the disorder. In point of fact, repressed sexual desires
were the culprits of hysteria. Needless to say, these atrociously cruel and
barbaric methods did not alleviate psychological symptoms, but increased
and induced new and more profound psychological problems.
Part of what made this all possible was that women were convinced
that education and good breeding were synonymous with delicacy and
submission. The male establishment espoused that women were to regard sex
as something to be endured, that they had no sexual desires, and that their
sexual organs were diseased and dirty. They were shamed into accepting
men’s definition of them. To make certain of wives’ submission to these
butcheries, gynecologists got the permission of husbands, without giving full
disclosure to the wife-patients.41 After a while, the power of distorted
social beliefs spread like wildfire, and women actually came to gynecologists
pleading for castration to cure their ills.
Some women fared somewhat better at the hands of physicians, who were
more enlightened about the cause of their hysterical symptoms. They recognized
that hysteria was the result of repressed sexual desires and not diseased organs.
Daring wives latched on to the idea that they needed sexual satisfaction. Because
society foisted traits on them like purity and sex with husbands only for
procreation, they turned to their doctors for help, and doctors helped. But
whom did they help? is the question. Doctors manually massaged their female
patients’ genitals until the women reached orgasm. In 1880 the vibrator was
invented to help doctors relieve women’s hysterical symptoms.42 I wonder
who got more relief, the female patient or the male doctor!
Some even more daring wives had extramarital affairs. Mabel Loomis
Todd fully enjoyed erotic experiences in her marriage; nevertheless, she had
 DRASTIC DOUBLE STANDARDS AND DARING WIVES 21

a torrid affair with her neighbor, Austin Dickinson.43 Mabel Todd defied the
double standard in the quiet college town of Amherst, Massachusetts.
The cultural historian Peter Gay44 quoted from the diaries and private corre-
spondence where Todd recorded her plentiful orgasms with her husband
and also her erotic experiences with her lover.
Mabel Todd was hardly the only instance of a woman daring to have
extramarital affairs. Women had these affairs throughout the country in all
classes. For the most part, women did not admit publicly to their infidelities.
There were exceptions, however, even in these moralistic times. Some daring
women defied cultural norms in court cases. One example is that of Susan
Delashmutt who boldly told the court that she “preferred to live in adultery,
than to live in lawful wedlock with her husband.”45
Despite the artificial ideals and the double standard, wives dared to engage
in extramarital affairs for love or for lust. To the naked eye it may seem
like a recent trend when, in fact, wives have always engaged in affairs.
The first wave of feminists in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries
made great strides in the evolution of women’s right to vote. Between 1870
and 1910, women ran 480 campaigns in thirty-three states trying to place
women’s suffrage before male voters.46 It was not until 1920 that women
gained the right to vote in America, but sexual equality had a way to go.
I invite you to visit two visionary doctors of the nineteenth century who
held differing views about women’s sexuality. You will meet the influential
father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, who both helped and hindered
woman’s cause. More knowledgeable but less popular, his contemporary
Havelock Ellis held sway with fewer people.

Freud Faces Off on Femininity

By treating hysteria and women’s psychological problems with psychoanaly-
sis, Sigmund Freud succeeded in taking women out of the cruel clutches of
their doctors and moving them onto comfortable couches. In his therapy
room, troubled women engaged in the “talking cure.” Nevertheless, Freud’s
distorted views of women as inferior and castrated had resounding effects
on the image of women. So, did Freud render women a favor or a disservice?
I would weigh in on both. He advanced women’s plight while maintaining
nineteenth-century sexist views—a paradox indeed.
Freud brought sexuality out of the Victorian closet. His theories of
infantile sexuality, sexualized family dramas, and unconscious erotic conflicts
were revolutionary at the time. They are still controversial in our contempo-
rary culture. He laid bare the centrality of sexuality in human experience. We
cannot talk about sexuality without talking about Freud. His contributions to
our insight into the human psyche are invaluable.
22 DARING WIVES

The first word on sexuality and the unconscious, Freud was not the last
word. The field of psychoanalysis stands on his shoulders, with feminism using
him as a springboard to launch new thought. Yet, his views on femininity left
something to be desired. While he exposed the hypocrisy of the bourgeois
pretensions of female purity, he did much to perpetuate the double standard.
Freud47 described the inherent disposition of little girls as less aggressive,
defiant, and self-sufficient. By nature, her greater need for affection (greater
than little boys’) leads her to be more dependent and pliant. He then went
on to modify his sexist words by stating that individual differences outweigh
these gender differences, so they are of no great consequences. But they
have been of very great consequence for women.
As to psychological feminine development, Freud wrote that little girls
started out as little boys until they discovered that they lacked a penis.
Girls recognize this difference and “are overcome by envy for the penis.”
Freud goes on to explain that “women no less than men originally had a
penis, but they have lost it by castration.”48 If you think this is derogatory,
it is just the tip of his iceberg. Freud goes on to explain the dire consequences
of penis envy and female castration. According to him, a woman’s wish to
hide her deformity is the cause of her shame and modesty. Penis envy leads
to jealousy, passivity, masochism, narcissism, lower intellectual ability, and
a deficient moral conscience.49
If so, what is a little girl to do? She does what any sensible little girl would
do. Lacking a penis, the castrated girl turns to her father in hopes of receiving
his phallus. Her father is the actor, and she is his passive receiver. She is
not her own subject.50 Femininity then means passive submission, whereas
masculinity means active agency. The term penis envy does, however, have
some validity when seen as a metaphor for women’s envy of male status.51
To his credit, Freud qualified his lack of knowledge of female sexuality,
referring to women as the “dark continent.” So why expound on ignorance
in the first place? He went on to show more of his ignorance when
he explicated the role of the clitoris in female sexual desire. Freud asserted
that the clitoris was an infantile organ, and only with the vagina could women
achieve mature sexual orgasm. Of course, his theory on the clitoris has
since been debunked, and the clitoris has been reclaimed as the organ of
mature orgasm. Nevertheless, Freud’s pronouncement did a lot to maintain
women’s labels of “frigid” and “undersexed.”
While Freud was certainly a groundbreaker, he also brought grief to a
lot of women. Despite his erudite and revolutionary thought, Freud’s take
on the sexes was not very far from the Victorian double standard—the inferior
woman and the superior male. Visionary as he was, Freud was nevertheless
 DRASTIC DOUBLE STANDARDS AND DARING WIVES 23

a product of his sociopolitical time. Now, meet Havelock Ellis, a more

enlightened doctor in the nineteenth century.
Havelock Plays Havoc on the Double Standard
In Freud’s time, Havelock Ellis, a doctor and sexologist, countered Freud
and the double standard. Contrary to Victorian public opinion, Ellis held that
women were not undersexed and had healthy sexual desires at any age.52
He understood that society influenced women to repress their sexual desires.
Ellis recognized that “undersexed” women were not born that way, and
that they were not frigid or lacking in sexual impulses. Instead their
undersexed states were cultural constructions.
To demonstrate just how natural sexual desire was for women, he observed
naive young nurse-girls and adolescents whom constrictive social mores
had not yet affected. These nurse-girls readily initiated sexual practices with
young boys in their charge. Unlike Freud’s little girls who were passive and
submissive, Ellis’s little girls were sexually active and agents of their own
desires. Ellis also wrote about the pleasure women derived from sex, and
argued that it was not merely for procreation.
If you remember, earlier in history, women were thought of as seductresses
with voracious sexual desires. Like Eve, they were destructive to men.
Ellis commented on just this cultural construction of women’s sexual im-
pulses. “Whereas in earlier ages there was a general tendency to credit women
with an unduly large share of sexual impulse, there is now a tendency to
unduly minimize the sexual impulse in women.”53
Unfortunately, the astute and radical thinker Ellis was not well known
among the powers that be. Unlike Freud, his work did not take root with
wide audiences. His writing style was more stilted and formal than Freud’s;
that coupled with an anti-status quo message may have hindered wider
influence.
Not only did the nineteenth century spawn important new thinking about
women’s sexuality, it also spawned a rich body of literature depicting women’s
infidelity. Join me to peruse some of the literature of the time.
Ladies with Lovers in the Literature

Art copies life, but life also copies art.

—Angus McLaren54

Contrary to Ellis, whose writings did not reach the greater populace, writers
of fiction did. Indeed, what better way to reach a lot of people than through
stories? For many authors, storytelling was used for cultural criticism and
moral improvement. Daring wives who act on their desires for extramarital
24 DARING WIVES

affairs are the subjects of some of the great classic works of literature. There are
truths in fictions.55 Through these enduring works of the nineteenth century,
we can get an idea of where the writers are coming from, historically, mor-
ally, and critically.
In The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne56 tells the tragic story of shame,
sin, and redemption. Hester Prynne, a married woman, dared to act on her
desires and to take a lover. Hester was forced to marry an older, deformed
man whom she did not love, so in a sense she was a victim of her times.
Her desire for passion and love were motivations for the affair. In current
times, some women like Hester still marry for money and have extramarital
affairs for passion and love.
The punishment for Hester’s sin is to wear a scarlet letter A on the bodice
of her garment. Her sentence includes standing on a scaffold for three hours
to be shamed by the community. As a result, she is alienated from them and
suffers in solitude. Hester’s wild and rebellious illegitimate daughter Pearl is
the permanent embodiment of her shame. In my practice, women still suffer
guilt and shame when their husbands uncover their affairs.
The Scarlet Letter is set in 1642 Boston, a puritanical stronghold with strong
double standards on infidelity. Hawthorne is delivering a moral message,
but more importantly, his work is a cultural criticism. Yes, Hester is shamed
and pained. But it could have been far worse. The sexist town fathers
could have sentenced her to death. Due to her spotless background, she
is spared the death gallows for her sin of adultery. Also, she finally redeems
herself by devoting herself to community service with other women, suffer-
ing at the hands of sexist men.
You could say Hester was an early feminist. Indeed, Hawthorne is sympa-
thetic to women subjected to the cultural double standard. Hester dares to
go for it and loses in love, but gains in internal strength. Women in my practice
also go for it, suffer, and may end up feeling empowered to make changes.
In Madame Bovary, Gustave Flaubert57 writes a “realistic novel” in which
he tries to depict characters who are true to life. Heroine Emma Bovary is
the original material girl, who marries for money and dies for lack of it. In
between she is bored with the ordinariness of her middle-class life. She
indulges in inane romantic and sentimental daydreams. These fantasies
provide her with an erotic and exciting existence to transcend her dull day-
to-day existence. A sensual, but superficial, self-absorbed bourgeoisie woman,
Emma cannot stand her marriage to a dull, plodding older man. With him,
she fails to find bliss, passion, and rapture that she has read about in cheap
romantic stories. She despairs and dares to look elsewhere.
Emma neglects her household duties and tries out different activities to
fulfill her sensual desires. She gets bored quickly, so none satisfy her needs for
 DRASTIC DOUBLE STANDARDS AND DARING WIVES 25

erotic excitement. How is she to make her dreams come true? She could
try taking on a lover or two to spice up her life. Her extramarital affairs are
daring revolts at her tedious provincial life and her unsatisfactory marriage.
Alas, Emma discovers that affairs are as banal as her marriage, and she fails
to make her dreams come true.
Flaubert paints a portrait of a mediocre women reaching for the moon
and for men outside of marriage. Both Emma and Hester have affairs; how-
ever, the likeness stops there. Unlike Hester, Emma has no redeeming
qualities. She is selfish, shallow, and insensitive to others’ feelings.
Flaubert delivers a scathing social commentary on the pretentious bour-
geoisie, but signs of a double standard are decidedly there. Indeed, Flaubert
is a man writing about a woman who dares to have extramarital affairs. His
male supporting character Charles has a redeeming quality, but the heroine
Emma has none. And Flaubert deals harshly with Emma by killing her off.
Shamed and penniless, she takes poison and suffers a disastrous death. Flaubert
makes sure Emma gets her just desserts for her adultery, materialism, and
failure to live in reality.
Leo Tolstoy in Anna Karenina58 gives us an up-close look at the double
standard in nineteenth-century Russia. The passionate, intensely emotional
Anna is unhappily married to Alexei Karenin, a rational and dehumanized
man. In her quest for personal meaning she looks for true love with Count
Vronsky. Anna dares to act on her desires for a lover, but her downfall is
predetermined. Alas, she is still only a woman whose place is in the home
caring for the household and children, not cavorting with a handsome count.
Anna is more victimized by culture than her male foil, Konstantin Levin,
who finds salvation in nature and God. Whereas Tolstoy punishes Anna for
her indiscretions, he elevates Levin. Anna grows cruel, vindictive, and self-
destructive in her relentless pursuit of the illicit love affair with Vronsky.
Tragically, Anna ends her life in a dramatic, desperate act by throwing herself
in front of a train. This epic novel depicts the inner conflict of author Tolstoy
between a higher moral ground for personal meaning and the desire for
passion, love, and self-gratification. In this novel, Levin, a male, takes the
high road and Anna, a female, takes the low road. A double standard if ever
there was one!
The awe-inspiring novel The Awakening59 by American Kate Chopin was
published in 1899 to scandalized audiences. Libraries, including the author’s
hometown St. Louis library, banned the exquisitely sensitive, protofeminist
book. The heroine, Edna Pontellier, is a woman way ahead of her times.
Chopin draws on nature for symbolic imagery to describe Edna’s strivings. “She
grew daring and reckless . . . she wanted to swim far out where no woman
had ever swum before.” Indeed, Edna longs to have an independent life, with
26 DARING WIVES

control over her own destiny and her erotic self. She dares to go for it, too,
much like women today do.
Her infidelity is not born of dissatisfaction with her marriage; neither is
it for true love, like with the other fictional heroines I have described. Her
affairs are in response to her internal despair at the restricted life that culture
has imposed on her. Through her extramarital affairs Edna is finally able to
experience her authentic, free, passionate, and erotic self. Her lovers serve
to awaken her sensual body and to empower her soul. The author describes
Edna’s response to her infidelity as “neither shame nor remorse.”
Léonce Pontellier, Edna’s husband, is the conventional nineteenth-century
man who treats his wife paternalistically. Her husband’s possession, Edna is
required to submit to his commands. Her place is in the home. Edna, however,
is not cut out for the role of mother and homemaker dictated by society.
Edna recognizes the paradox of her life, “that outward life that conforms and
the inner life that questions.” Edna not only questions but also defies convention,
and she explores her sensual erotic desires with lovers. Her death is a triumph
of will over her limited life. She drowns herself in the waters that first awakened
her. So she is willing to lose all in order to find her true self.
Women in my practice also dare to take lovers and are willing to risk
losing marriages, financial means, and security. Under the spell of the affair,
they do not always take into account the pain suffered by their husbands
and children. Rage at their circumstances or their spouses continues to
motivate women’s infidelity.
The portrayal of Edna is sympathetic and poignant. Chopin addresses the
double standard and the plight of women, forced to conform to roles for
which they are not suited. The author attacks the sexist standards of the
nineteenth century in this visionary, early feminist work.
In all three novels, The Scarlet Letter, Madame Bovary, and The Awakening, the
heroines’ desire for extramarital affairs is about self-fulfillment and authentic
erotic expression. They are all victims of society, marrying men they did
not love, and desirous to survive on their own terms. The harsh judgment of
women engaging in extramarital affairs is conveyed by the authors’ treatment
of the heroines. Indeed, death to the adulteress is meted out as punishment.
Despite the artificial ideals of the Victorian age, daring wives in history and
fictional literature have defied the double standard and have engaged in extramari-
tal affairs. Nevertheless, the double standard survived well into the twentieth
century, with the help of Hollywood and television. Remnants remain today.
The published researches of Kinsey and Hite, the women’s liberation movement,
and the counterculture’s sexual revolution all helped to undermine the double
standard. Join me to trace highlights of the twentieth century that will illumi-
nate how far women have come, and how far we still have to go.
3
What a Difference a Century
Makes
FEMALE INFIDELITY AND THE DOUBLE STANDARD

One faces the future with one’s past.

—Pearl S. Buck

THE TWENTIETH CENTURY

The sexual mores for women in the twentieth century shifted from sexual
inhibitions to free-for-alls. Cultural and political forces influenced these extremes,
with women responding to changing sexual standards. Some conformed to con-
strictive conventions, while others dared to defy, much as they still do. Female
erotic expression came out of the closet in the Roaring Twenties, only to retreat
behind closed doors in the prudish fifties. The late sixties and seventies saw
a backlash of seismic proportions. The second wave of feminism and the sexual
revolution redefined women’s erotic desires, only to be curtailed in the eighties.
The AIDS crisis, aided by the morally conservative “New Right” wing of
politics, contained much of the previous promiscuous sex outside of marriage.
Under the sway of social mores, women bobbed and weaved. They made
strides in significant spheres, most importantly, the right to vote in 1920. Never-
theless, it took another forty years for female sexuality to enter the public eye.
Yet, the double standard lingered on. While women forged ahead in the modern
world, one foot stayed fixed in the repressive nineteenth century. Women’s
erotic desires are still seen through the lens of a male-dominated culture.
Roaring Twenties
Radical thinkers, bohemians, feminists, Freud, Ellis, and Margaret Sanger
led the way to a new sexual era on the eve of World War I. Margaret
Sanger’s radical platforms for birth control, women’s autonomy over their
28 DARING WIVES

bodies, and sexual expression helped set the stage. Freud’s and Ellis’s writ-
ings about the centrality of the sexual impulse sent shock waves through the
Victorian age. William J. Robinson, an avant garde editor of two medi-
cal journals, weighed in on the issue of marital infidelity. He wrote that
extramarital affairs might be imprudent, but they were not more sinful than
the gratification of other natural instincts like eating or drinking.1
The progressive and liberal twenties roared in and broke with the past.
In 1917, World War I sent men to war and women to work. Hence,
women’s wartime labor brought greater economic autonomy to women.
Initially, most women lost their jobs to men returning from war in 1918.
Nevertheless, in a short time, the post–World War I burgeoning economy
provided sufficient work for both men and women. The war also facilitated
women’s right to vote as suffragettes joined the war effort and proved
themselves equal to men in patriotic terms.2
Women continued to forge ahead in the sexual arena. Liberating their
bodies from tight corsets and constricted sexual ideals, women expressed
their sexual desires openly. Flappers with bobbed hair and skimpy, loose
clothes symbolized loose erotic desires. A far cry from their buttoned-
up Victorian sisters, flappers nevertheless remained unflagging wives and
mothers. Cavorting freely with men in speakeasies and jazz nightclubs,
wives smoked, drank, and danced the wild and woolly Charleston. All the
while, these wives continued to cater to husbands and children.
People flocked to see Hollywood’s new moving pictures that featured
women in sensual and erotic roles. Clara Bow, the “It Girl,” was sexy, hip,
and wild. Bad and baby-faced Jean Harlow, in the film Red-Headed Woman,
was shown in sadomasochistic scenes sleeping her way to the top. Greta
Garbo was a glamorous, elusive, mysterious sex goddess who bewitched men.
Mae West, the incomparable sex symbol, was right out there. She burles-
qued sex with her promise of sexual sin, her double entendres, and her
buxom body. “Come up and see me sometime” was just one of her quips
with which she taunted the censors.
The once shockingly explicit novel Lady Chatterley’s Lover 3 by D. H.
Lawrence (1928) was banned from America until 1959. Female infidelity by
an unfulfilled upper-class woman and her gamekeeper is not so far-fetched
in our contemporary culture. In my practice, I hear similar torrid tales of
well-to-do wives in dull marriages having affairs with their carpenters and
painters. Then there are Gabrielle and her gardener in Desperate Housewives.

Conflicts Continue
Contradictory and shifting sexual roles of female sexuality continued beyond
the twenties. The traditional wife and mother conflicted with the sensual,
 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A CENTURY MAKES 29

erotic, and daring woman. The sexual liberalism of the twenties came to
a fast halt in the thirties. The power of Hollywood, unprecedented in
the thirties, helped to bring the free sexual era to a close, for a short while
anyway.
In 1930, a self-regulating censorship known as the Hays Code was adopted
by Hollywood to screen out movies with any type of “licentious” relation-
ships. Banned subject matter included homosexuality, biracial male-female
relationships, adultery, and even childbirth. After 1930, films were required
to foster the sanctity of marriage; the double standard was back in full
force. Long after women had shed the restrictive sexual mores of the past,
Hollywood continued to condition women to believe that their place was
in the home.4 Women were pressured to conform to male standards of
beauty and youthfulness, and obedience—the prototype for the Stepford
Wives. Young men going off to war were buoyed by nude pinup calendars
objectifying women’s sexuality. Notably, Hollywood did a great public rela-
tions job on the psyche of women until the power of television took over
in the fifties.
It did not take long before Hollywood abandoned its hegemony on fe-
male traditional roles. Perhaps the artificial morality backfired. Films soon
featured tough-talking, bold, and bad girl types indulging in extramarital
affairs, premarital sex, and murder. Joan Crawford in the 1931 film Possessed
defies the double standard as she boldly states, “A woman can do anything,
say anything, as long as she doesn’t fall in love.”5
Bette Davis plays yet another daring wife whose extramarital affair ends
with murder. In the 1946 film Deception, she shoots her lover when her
long-lost husband shows up.6
In the 1949 film Beyond the Forest, Davis plays the infamous unfaithful
Rosa Moline. The film is an exposé of the drastic effects on women of the
double standard in the twentieth century. Rosa is branded as evil simply
because she refuses to accept the role society has foisted upon her. Refusing
to passively accept her “natural” job of mother and wife to a boring, sexless
husband, she takes action by seeking an escape. Rosa constantly bemoans her
limitations as a woman; she knows that the only way out is through a man.
She turns to a rich and powerful lover so that she can escape her dull tradi-
tional life. Driven to distraction by her powerful and ruthless lover, she
commits murder. In the end, she dies as well.7 So even in the late forties,
the death sentence was dealt to women who dared to engage in infidelity.
Other actors portrayed passionate, empowered women. In the 1950 film
Paid in Full, Lizabeth Scott sleeps with her sister’s husband after she acci-
dentally kills her niece. Olivia de Havilland, in the 1946 film To Each His
Own, has a child born out of wedlock in a one-night stand with a war hero.
30 DARING WIVES

Barbara Stanwyck, in the 1933 film Baby Face, turns tricks and succeeds by
sleeping her way to the top. Other films of the era that depict women
exploiting men using their sexual powers include The Strange Women with
Hedy Lamarr and Forever Amber with Linda Darnell. A far cry from the
selfless wife and mother, these women struck out in bold, ruthless, self-
serving ways.
World War II brought a different spin to female infidelity. The End of
the Affair, Graham Greene’s 1951 novel,8 and the 1942 classic film Casablanca
examine the pathos of relinquishing a great love affair for more noble ideals.
In both cases, wives are forced to give up their adored lovers for the love
of God or the love of country. In The End of the Affair, the heroine Sarah
Miles mysteriously leaves her lover as she has a spiritual awakening and
cannot live with her sin. In the classic film Casablanca, Ingrid Bergman tear-
fully gives up her lover Humphrey Bogart at his behest. She realigns with
her husband Paul Heinreid for patriotic ideals. In both cases, higher ideals
eclipse a woman’s fulfillment in infidelity; she must give up her deeply felt
desires for her obligatory pulls of morality.
The twenties roared, the thirties waxed and waned. In the next era, you
will become acquainted with the prudish fifties, where the pendulum swung
in the direction of conservative, prudish moral values.

The Prudish Fifties

The Depression and the horrors of World War II left Americans yearning
for economic security. The American Dream of young veterans entailed a
conventional wife, children, and a home in the suburbs. Eager to get on
with their lives, the rush to have children resulted in the Baby Boomers.9
The fifties age of general goodwill implied conformity, consumerism, and
prudish sexual mores. The security of a middle-class living standard was a
tradeoff for blind acceptance of the conservative status quo.10
America’s innocence was yet to be tested. Americans trusted their govern-
ment to bring them out of the war.11 Innocent Americans got caught up
in the rhetoric of the government. Paranoia about the communist specter
resulted in the ruthless McCarthy era. By and large, Americans went along
with the witch hunts; however, some radical thinkers tried to speak out.
Arthur Miller, in his play The Crucible, used a disguise to expose the horrors
of conformity lest he be jailed as a communist. All of this in the guise of
traditional values and protecting the innocence of America!
America’s innocence met with a rude awakening in the next decade. The
Baby Boomers grew into the youth who led the sexual revolution. They
protested the Vietnam War and rejected their parents’ middle-class affluence
and prudish sexual mores.
 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A CENTURY MAKES 31

The postwar definition of femininity described a devoted wife as someone

who raised her family, supported her husband, cooked, cleaned, and remained
attractive and optimistic. Husbands braved the corporate world and wives
maintained the homestead.12 The false front of femininity was not too far
removed from the Victorian age. Sex went underground, and conformity to
artificial ideals surfaced.
Sadly, behind the closed doors of this sunny façade, a dark reality emerged.
Not all men wore condoms, and women were taught to please their husbands.
The result was many unwanted pregnancies. Abortions were outlawed, and
pregnant women were forced to seek help to end their pregnancies in unsafe
and unsavory methods. They resorted to back alley abortions or knitting
needles. The 2004 movie Vera Drake presents a poignant depiction of this
dire dilemma.
In the fifties, America became wired for television.13 Family sitcoms pro-
moting the bliss of traditional marriages were the rage. Television wives
were not subjects of their own desires, nor did they dream of extramarital
affairs. Self-sacrificing objects to their husbands and children, wives were
under the dominion of their husbands.
The family sitcoms shaped and were shaped by the social and sexual
conformity of the times. As mistresses of their homes, wives never worked.
They were nice and neat and gratefully accepted their lives as perfect home-
makers. June Cleaver in Leave it to Beaver wanted her son to marry a girl
who cooked, cleaned, and saw to it that her hubby was happy, much the
same as she did.14 Harriet Nelson of The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet shared
the same noble role to make life better for her family. June Cleaver and
Harriet Nelson were role models for American wives. Their purpose was
to please their men. They did not question their second-class status or the
double standard.
The all-American girl was pert, pretty, and not too sexy—good marriage
material. Her sexual desires were not spoken about. Crinolines, circle skirts,
and perfectly coifed pageboys—not a hair out of place—were the hallmarks of
the sexless wife. In contrast, men’s sexual desires had their day.
The vulnerable sex goddess Marilyn Monroe provided men with titillating
fantasies. Although she was the antithesis of their wives, she nevertheless
perpetuated the double standard. Traditional men were enthralled by this
wanton/waif womanchild. They fantasized about protecting her innocence
as they were bedding her. With Monroe, a virile man could instantly be
transformed into a combination of Casanova and Sir Galahad. What better
fantasy for a macho man of the fifties?
Hugh Hefner launched his multimillion-dollar sex empire using Monroe’s
nude calendar pose. The double standard allowed him to buy the rights for
32 DARING WIVES

only $500, while Monroe got nothing.15 A descendent of Midwest puritans,

Hefner was dedicated to a more open sexuality and to exposing the hypocrisy
of the period. While Hefner’s slick, upscale Playboy nudes furthered male
sexual fantasies, they also treated women as sex objects.
Then, along came a daring woman who had a different approach to female
sexuality. Grace Metalious in her best-selling book Peyton Place16 helped to
debunk the double standard and the puritanical views of women. She exposed
the sexual hypocrisy of a typical staid small American town by revealing a
hotbed of sexual intrigue and female infidelity. Her women characters had
sexual desires that contrasted sharply with the attitudes women were sup-
posed to have.17 They were not passive receptacles for men, but self-fulfilling,
erotic, and independent women. Her breakthrough work helped pave the
way for the second wave feminist movement.
Alfred Kinsey’s landmark 1953 study Sexual Behavior in the Human Fe-
male18 tore down the false façade that women hid behind. He shocked the
nation by exposing what women were really doing between the sheets. Like
men, women were erotic, sexual beings who engaged in extramarital affairs,
masturbation, and same-sex erotic behavior. Although his previous study
of male sexuality was explosive, it did not compare to the outrage that the
study of female infidelity caused. Unfortunately, Kinsey was accused of de-
teriorating the morals of decent Americans and lost the Rockefeller grant
for his new book.19
The double standard and artificial ideals continued to do their dirty work.
The seeds of discontent and dissent were sown in the fifties. It took feminism,
the Pill, and the politics of war for the inequality of women’s sexuality to
reach the public eye.

Feminism and False Fronts

A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women
and men.
—Gloria Steinem

Betty Friedan was one of the early voices to challenge the false front. In her
groundbreaking 1963 book The Feminine Mystique,20 Friedan revealed that
thousands of women were dissatisfied with their subordinate roles of dutiful
mothers and wives, propagated by women’s magazines. Friedan’s work began
to transform women’s consciousness and launched second wave feminism.
She exposed the fallacy of branding women with penis envy if they showed
dissatisfaction with their traditional sexual roes. Friedan went on to launch
the National Organization of Women (NOW) in 1966. Women now gained
a forum to lobby against the sexual discrimination of women. Gloria Steinem,
 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A CENTURY MAKES 33

editor of Ms. magazine, provided feminism with a voice. Ms. magazine was
influential in reaching masses of women who resonated with the magazine’s
messages of sexual inequality and the erotic desires of women.
Hordes of women joined “consciousness raising” groups and discovered
that the way to orgasm was not necessarily the vagina, but more likely the
clitoris. Masters and Johnson’s empirical research gave impetus to the second
wave of feminism. Their report Human Sexual Response21 showed that orgasm
was achieved by stimulation of the clitoris.
Ann Koedt, in her article “The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm,” put the
nails in the coffin.22 She dealt a deathly blow to the vaginal orgasm and
reclaimed the clitoral orgasm. With the discovery of the Holy Grail for
women, Koedt helped to galvanize the feminist movement. Women were
not really frigid; they just needed stimulation of the proper erogenous
zone. Women could now satisfy their sexual desires with or without men.
Or so they thought. In their zeal, some feminists failed to recognize the
psychological needs of women for connections, relatedness, and intimacy
with loved ones.
Radical feminists declared that sexual intercourse was simply a way that
women subordinated themselves to men and that men exploited women’s
sexuality. Kate Millet23 and Shulamith Firestone24 asserted that women’s sex-
uality served the purpose of patriarchy and that men controlled women’s
sexuality. The women’s liberation movement, with the slogan “the personal
is political,” was on the march to liberate female sexuality and power from
the male-dominated culture.
I will take a moment to explain just what was meant by “the personal is
political.” That which seems to be personal, individual experience—cleaning
dirty dishes after a hard day’s drudgery while your husband leisurely watches
TV—does have sociopolitical resonance. These personal experiences are part
of a societal pattern of male dominance and female subordination.
Second wave feminists stood on the shoulders of their earlier psycho-
analytic feminist sisters. Karen Horney25 and Clara Thompson26, 27 criticized
Freud’s phallocentric views of sexuality. Freud claimed that women were
deficient in lacking a phallus and thus were secondary to men. Horney
contested Freud’s description of women as penis envying, castrated beings.
She asserted that femininity was as primary as masculinity. Simone de
Beauvoir, in her celebrated book The Second Sex,28 asserted that women sub-
ordinated themselves to men and were regarded as the “other” in men’s
consciousness. She maintained that female sexuality was a male construction.
Melanie Klein29 replaced Freud’s centrality of the penis with that of the
breast. She believed that early childhood experiences at the breast, and not
with the penis, determined the psychology of people.
34 DARING WIVES

Second wave feminism paved the way for greater recognition of wom-
en’s sexual desires. Soon you will see the role played by two other pivotal
sociopolitical forces in women’s sexuality.

Politics and the Pill

Eager to defy their parents, the children of the staid fifties formed the
counterculture of the sixties. The sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll flower children
protested the Vietnam War and prudish sexual mores. With slogans of “make
love, not war,” the youth counterculture rebelled against the establishment
and the false fronts of sexuality. The youth of the counterculture gave free
vent to open and promiscuous sex. Older Americans emulated the sugges-
tive dress, drug use, and sexual promiscuity of their children. An era of
sexual permissiveness swept across the prudish landscape of America.
The advent of the contraceptive pill fueled the women’s liberation move-
ment. The Pill helped to liberate women so that they could begin to take
control of their own bodies. No longer having to rely on men to wear con-
doms, they gained greater autonomy and sexual independence. What is more,
they could satisfy their erotic desires freely without other messy methods
that required planning. But women were still not in total control of their
bodies until the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision. The U.S. Supreme Court held
that a woman’s right to privacy—freedom of choice—overrode existing laws
against abortion.

Feminine Sexual Freedom

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

—Mae West

Sexual promiscuity, the writings of feminists, the Vietnam War, and the
birth control pill advanced the goals of the women’s liberation movement
to gain sexual and economic independence. In response to male domination,
masses of women sought independence by going into the workforce. Married
women now had more opportunities for extramarital sex. The Pill gave
them the green light.
The desire to claim sexual liberation fueled some women’s engagement
in sex for lust, not love. Pure pleasure divorced sex from intimate relating.
Women’s infidelity was not in response to marital dissatisfaction, but, for
the most part, was in response to the period of sexual permissiveness.
Married and single women experimented with casual sex in orgies, group
sex, and sex binges. Sex became impersonal—merely for expansion of sex-
ual pleasures. Could this polymorphous hedonism really last? Not really.
Unbridled, impersonal sex was not an enduring phenomenon. Women, then
 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A CENTURY MAKES 35

and now, desire love along with erotic expression. Most desire the com-
mitment of marriage and motherhood. When they stray, their desires are
psychological and relational, and not strictly for sexual expression. With
the exception of seriously disturbed women, few wives today desire imper-
sonal sex; they desire sex with a specific person.

Pullback to More Prudent Sexuality

Reacting to the galloping sexuality of the sixties and seventies, forces in the
eighties pulled in the reins. Alarmed by the corrupting power of sex and
the gains of feminism, sexual conservatives fought for the return of traditional
moral values. Political and sexual conservatives joined religious fundamen-
talists to form the New Right. They went on a crusade to purify the nation’s
erotic lives. Ronald Reagan ran for re-election and adopted a platform ac-
cusing liberals of promoting casual and cheap sex. He described the sex act
as “the means by which husband and wife participate with God in the
creation of a new human life.”30 Does that sound familiar? Indeed, old
habits die hard, and the repressive sexual restraints of the nineteenth century
lay waiting just beneath the surface.
The National Right to Life Committee voraciously attacked women’s
right to choose abortion and control of their own bodies. Female sexual gains
of the twentieth century were in peril in the eighties, much as they are cur-
rently in our political climate of conservative “moral values.”
To clinch the sexual panic, AIDS made its lethal appearance in the eighties.
AIDS—originally thought to be sexually transmitted by gay men—did not
bypass women. Thousands of women were infected. Needless to say, fe-
male prostitutes were accused of transmitting the disease to men. In fact,
men transmitted the disease to them.31
Monogamy was one form of protection against the virulent AIDS epi-
demic. One is less prone to be infected if in a longstanding sexual partnership.
Before having sex with new partners, people were cautioned to practice
prudence and to disclose tests to their partners stating that they were not
infected with the AIDS virus.
The scourge of AIDS put a damper on casual and carefree sex. Women
were at risk just as well as men, so women’s infidelity became more prudent.
Conservative sexual mores also appealed to some of the female population,
including religious wives and wives who wished to stay home and devote
themselves to their families. Overall, the sexual revolution of the sixties met
with a sexual counterrevolution in the eighties.
Women began to rethink the sixties notion of sex without intimacy. They
found that sex lost its allure without the substance of love, romance, and
commitment. Hence, the desire for women to engage in extramarital affairs
36 DARING WIVES

has become a more serious matter. The lure of free sexual expression out
of marriage has undergone a transformation.
The desire of women for extramarital affairs in our current climate is
mainly in response to unresolved childhood issues, marital problems, and
fear of intimacy, or as a catalyst for change. I say mainly because some women
still desire extramarital affairs as an escape from internal demons, or to ex-
perience novelty in sexual expression. Indeed, there does not appear to be
one single portrait of women who dare to engage in extramarital affairs.
What does seem clearer is that the double standard persists, and female
infidelity is judged more harshly than male infidelity. Not so long ago, in
1990, a woman in Wisconsin escaped a criminal trial for infidelity by agree-
ing to perform community services and attend parenting classes.32 Can
you imagine this sentence for an unfaithful husband in 1990?
It does not take much imagination to shudder at the travesty of the Anita
Hill case of 1991 when she accused Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment.
By discrediting Hill, male supremacy and male power won, and Hill lost.
Thomas was successfully appointed to the Supreme Court.
Despite second wave feminism’s identification of gendered power relations
as key to the subordination of women, male power continues to dominate
in the twenty-first century. What did traditional “moral values” do for
the nineteenth and twentieth centuries? I would say not much, other than
harm.
We are now in the twenty-first century, and “moral values” threaten
to undermine gains made by second wave feminism. In response, a third
wave of feminism is peeking through to assert female sexual power. A
daring, frank, in-your-face sexuality is brewing. Let us take a glimpse at
these young women, moral values, the threat of terrorism, and women’s
infidelity.

THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY

Third Wave Feminism
After thirty years of feminism, the world we inhabit barely resembles the world we
were born into. And there’s still a lot left to do.
—Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards33

Loose collections of young women born around 1970 have emerged with
a goal of furthering women’s equality. They call themselves “third wave
feminists.” These young feminists of the new millennium stand on the shoul-
ders of second wave feminists of the sixties and seventies. Like their second
wave feminist mothers, they have adopted a platform of gender equality
and women’s rights, and abhor male domination of women. In some ways,
 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A CENTURY MAKES 37

however, they are rebelling against their feminist mothers. In yet other
ways they are pushing the envelope of female sexual power.
Second wave radical feminist slogans resonated loudly with statements
from some little known feminist rebels like Irina Dunn. She wrote, “A
woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” In contrast, third wave femi-
nists believe women do need men. They hold that women desire romance,
commitment, and marriage. The difference is that their desires are based
on choice and not need. They do not need to rely on a man to be valued or
to survive economically.34 They desire love, family, intimacy, and erotic sex
with men. This all sounds great to me, but it does not always work out
this way. In my practice, many women intellectually know all of this, but
emotionally, a part of them still defers to and depends on a man.
The new feminist in the postmodern world describes herself in multi-
ple terms, including feminine sexual power, girlie, pro-sex, Prada, working class,
Marxist, lesbian, married, transsexual, young, old, and feminist. She wants to be
described broadly rather than constricted by the narrow term women’s rights.35
In a similar vein, the women in my practice who have extramarital affairs
are much more than straying wives. They also want to be understood,
described, and recognized in multiple terms.
The new feminist takes a surprising stand on the objectification of
women’s sexual bodies. Rather than feeling like sex objects, they feel em-
powered by showing their bodies and rendering men powerless. So men be-
come women’s objects; and women, by virtue of their sexuality, are subjects.
Madonna, a powerful sex symbol, exploited men by packaging her sex-
ual power. She was assertive, self-reliant, and ruthless. Sound like a man?
You bet. Attacking the double standard, Naomi Wolf wrote about how slut
should be recast as rebel.36 My young women patients are in accord with
these sentiments and complain that promiscuous males are described as “play-
ers” and females as “sluts.”
The new feminist contention is that when women show themselves in
seductive ways, it makes them feel powerful. Sexuality is not aimed at getting
a man to desire them; rather it is because the new feminist desires a man.
What a fantastic about-face! In my experience, however, it is still hard to
get this reversal of sexual power across to women. So many of us revert to
experiencing ourselves as objects and not subjects, as you will see shortly.
Now let me try to explain the term girlie, to which Arnold Schwarzenegger
erroneously referred. A girlie is not a silly, childish, giggly girl. “Girlie”
power is a rebellion against the false idea that if a woman does not want
to be exploited, she does not want to be sexual.37 Indeed, new feminist
women desire to be sexy, tough, and to speak their minds; they can show
cleavage, skin, piercings, and tattoos. “Putting out makes you smart, in
38 DARING WIVES

control of your sexual power, rather than a victim of it,” wrote Elizabeth
Wurtzel.38
The new girlie culture is also stereotypically feminine, with manicures,
hairdos, cooking, and domestic duties. Girlies want to reclaim the feminine
trappings that their mothers discarded during second wave feminism.39
So, the new feminist movement is both a rebellion against their mothers
and a tribute to them.
As an aside, some second wave feminists struggling against a sexist society
in the seventies hung on to their feminine, sexy styles. Sexuality was a stamp
of power and not submission for some women back then. We all differ from
each other with multiple expressions for power, conformity, and sexuality.
Indeed, not all wives in the twenty-first century subscribed to feminism.
Some wives were swayed by the current culture of “moral values.”

Moral Values and the New Millennium

Although not a part of the platform, third wave feminism may be partly a
rebellion against the ominous artificial ideals of traditional “moral values”
propagated by right wing factions in the twenty-first century. The right
wing conservative branch of the Republican Party aligned with religious
fundamentalists to elect and re-elect George W. Bush president. The specter
of repression hovers overhead.
A woman’s right to control her body by choosing abortion is currently
in peril. A billion-dollar federal program, paid by taxpayers, discredits con-
doms and advocates “abstinence only.” How unrealistic and dangerous!
Instead of less government, there is more; not for social, welfare, or environ-
mental programs, but for intrusion into our private sexual lives. Yet, some
wives adhere to the rigid, unrealistic, conservative “moral values”; and they
follow the traditional gender split of homemaker wife and breadwinner
husband.
In our era of greater openness, we run the risk of turning back the pages
of history to dark and dire periods. Should female infidelity go back behind
closed doors, punitive and pernicious measures threaten. As I have re-
counted, throughout history some women refused to conform to unrealistic
traditional sexuality advocated by the status quo. There has never been a
match between women’s true sexual desires and the artificial ideals of “moral
values.” To shed light on women’s desires for extramarital affairs, it can-
not be shrouded in secrecy and shame. We have been there, done that; it
did not work then, nor will it now.
Engaging in extramarital affairs may not be a prudent choice, but it is not
a moral flaw, nor is it a sin. It is a human reaction to multiple factors. In
our postmodern world, women’s desires for extramarital affairs are related
 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A CENTURY MAKES 39

to various factors. Partly a cultural construction that shifts with the social
and political climate, partly a desire for personal fulfillment and sexual
expression, and partly in response to marital problems, women’s infidelity
has always been on the American scene.
Join me in my therapy room as I work with wives who dare to act on
their desires, throw caution to the wind, and chance hurting husbands and
children to pursue fulfillment with extramarital affairs. I have found that
extramarital affairs rarely last after they have been exposed. The affairs
that seem so romantic, exciting, and fulfilling lose their allure once reality
hits home. Yet, daring wives over the centuries risk so very much for so
very little.
In our post-9/11 age of terrorism, the security of attachment is comforting,
so women’s infidelity is, for the most part, not just for fun. Marriages
missing attunement, mutuality, or reciprocity seem to be central factors in
wives’ decisions to have affairs. Internal conflicts, fear of loss of identity,
existential angst, unresolved early faulty relationships, escape from boring
lives, depression, anxiety, and fear of intimacy are other problems you will
encounter. You may find aspects of yourself in these case studies, and
hopefully be inspired by the solutions that we attempt.
4
Not So Sweet Home
STAY-IN-THE-ABODE WIVES

Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair, and devastating, it will

be that much easier.
—Mae West

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
—Mahatma Gandhi

DOMESTIC DISCONTENTS
While many wives today have children and go back to work, many wives
make other choices. Some prefer part-time work, and others choose to stay
home. Stay-at-home wives may fantasize about idyllic lives—the joys of
motherhood and marital bliss, along with the high art of homemaking a la
Martha Stewart. Then reality sets in, and home sweet home may not be
so sweet.
Twenty-first-century housewives, influenced by feminism, want more
out of marriage than their grandmothers did. For starters, they want under-
standing, romance, and sex. Stay-at-home wives may have left fun social
lives and jobs where they felt valued, recognized, and empowered by earning
their own money. Giving all of that up is giving up a lot. Indeed, housewives
often feel theirs is a thankless job, with no power, no pay, and not much
pleasure.
Stuck at home, they exist in tedium with one day not too different than
the one before. The same drudgery—food shopping, cooking, cleaning,
chauffeuring—stretches on ad infinitum. Many housewives feel trapped, pow-
erless, bored, lonely, depressed, or anxious. They fear losing their identities
in children and husbands.
42 DARING WIVES

When husbands come home from work, they feel tired, stressed, and just
want to crash. They regard home as a safe haven from the busy, competitive
world. They look to their wives to provide this type of solace. Wives look
to their husbands for excitement, fun, and games. After dinner, wives may
find their hubbies glued to the TV instead of them, or worse still, asleep
on the sofa. At the end of a dull day of diapers and dishes, housewives are
itching to go; they want attention and validation. Instead they feel neglected
and emotionally empty. Mutual recognition of needs and desires has gone
out the window. Instead of attunement and intimacy, there is separateness
and distance. The magic of marriage has worn off.
To top it off, their husbands are out in the exciting world, where they
experience autonomy, independence, and power. Not so for housewives.
They feel dependent on their husbands and tethered to the needs of their
families. Feeling powerless, stay-at-home wives could easily grow envious
of their husbands.
Misunderstanding his wife’s frustration, a husband may grow critical of
her. He is under the illusion that she has it easy. He just does not get it.
The wife’s resentment and envy of her husband turns to rage. She may
withdraw or strike out. Communication has broken down, and alienation
has taken its place. Trapped wild animals have been known to chew off
their own limbs in a desperate attempt to release themselves from their traps
to gain their freedom. Now modern desperate housewives would certainly
not consider losing a limb for freedom’s sake. So to what could a desperate
housewife resort?
Along comes an attentive, sexy admirer, and bingo! A passport to freedom;
he is the answer to her despair. An exciting adventure into the forbidden
and dangerous promises, a spicy distraction from a humdrum, frustrating life.
Imagine being transformed overnight from a drab housefrau to an exciting,
colorful woman!
An act of passive aggression never felt so good. Indeed, the best revenge
is a good life, and she seemingly has it all. Not only that, her affair is a hot
power play where she is in charge, leaving her husband out in the cold.
Can this fantasy really work? The following case study of a daring wife will
tell us more.

Daring Debra
Long, streaked blonde hair cascaded over a blue-gray sweatsuit that matched
her eyes. With little to no makeup, Debra looked unpretentious and natural—
like many a young housewife in the suburbs. She could be your next-door
neighbor. Nothing about her appearance stood out, until you looked
further. Her left hand sported a sparkling diamond ring (at least five carats)
 NOT SO SWEET HOME 43

and a designer watch. Well, come to think of it, she still looked like the
girl next door—in an affluent suburb, that is.
Married for eight years, Debra was the proud mother of two young
children. She described her husband Don as a good guy who worked long
hours to provide his family with a comfortable life. Debra decided to be a
stay-at-home mom, which met with Don’s approval. They had purchased
a beautiful home, with two acres of grassy land, a swimming pool, and lots
of playground space.
“My life’s perfect. I don’t have to work and I’ve got time for my ador-
able children. My kids are great. I can’t understand why I have these panic
attacks,” Debra told me. She looked perplexed.
“Can you describe your panic attacks?” I asked.
“My heart pounds very fast, I can’t catch my breath, and I’m sure I’m dying.
I’ve tried everything and nothing works.” Her clear eyes clouded over.
“What have you tried?” I inquired further.
Her rapid-fire explanation quickly switched to a helpless cry. “I breathe
into a paper bag, and tell myself it’s just anxiety, and that I won’t die. I
went to a cardiologist; he said my heart was in excellent shape, and that it was
due to stress. So I went to yoga, tried meditation—not for me. I’m just too
anxious. So I’m here. Can you help me?”
“Maybe we’ve got to dig deeper to see what’s going on,” I suggested.
She whispered like a little lost girl. “Is it going to hurt? Actually, it
doesn’t matter. I’ll do anything you suggest. I’m desperate.”
“The process of getting to understand yourself can be painful at times,”
I explained in candor, hopefully setting the tone of the relationship.
“I’ll take it. Bring it on,” she said without flinching.
She’ll do anything that’s painless. But she’s daring. In desperation, Debra
is willing to submit to my power and probable pain in the therapeutic
process for possible gain. Does this dynamic play out in her marital rela-
tionship? Does she submit to her husband’s power for gains, like material
ones? A twenty-first century Madame Bovary?
I inquired about her relationship with her parents. As a child, Debra’s
mother and father worked hard. She remembered crying bitterly when
her mother went off to work. Although she had fun in daycare, she was
nevertheless traumatized every morning when she separated from her
mother. She pleaded with her mother to stay with her, but her childish
efforts were spent in vain. Her mother prevailed; Debra conformed. In tears,
Debra revealed that she wet her bed well into her preteen years. Other than
her mother, I was the first person to whom she disclosed her humiliating
experience.
44 DARING WIVES

A shameful, painful revelation that she hid all these years! And she’s en-
trusting me with her secret! I’m encouraged with the budding trust, candor,
and her bravery. Looks promising.
“I wonder if this has something to do with the choice you made to stay
home and not work?” I ventured.
“You’re right; it fits. I want to give my kids everything I didn’t have.
I want to be a full-time mom who’s with them when they go to school and
when they come home. I want to give them a home where each kid has
her own room, the schools are good, and it’s safe. Don wants the same
things I want. We’re in agreement on this. So why do I have these panic
attacks?” she implored me.
Slowly, Debra revealed her inner feelings of boredom and feeling trapped
by the sameness of her existence. Every day was similar to the one before.
“I miss the exciting life I led before moving to the suburbs. I held a
powerful position on Wall Street, where the market went up and down,
and every day was different from the one before. You never knew what
to expect. That’s where I met Don—he’s still working there with all the
adventure. I got stuck here in suburbia, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and
carting my kids around. I’m at everyone’s beck and call. I feel like I’m los-
ing my identity. Is that all there is?” Her anxiety mounted as she began to
articulate her dilemma. At thirty-eight, Debra sounded like a disenchanted
older woman facing an existential crisis. She also feared losing herself as a
separate person.
“How would you identify yourself ?” I continued to probe.
“I’m Charlie and Allison’s mother and Don’s wife.” She looked dismayed
as she began to gain insight into her problem.
“Not a very powerful place for you,” I interpreted.
“Don gets a lot of power in his job, people value him, he gets good
feedback, and it makes him feel good about himself. I remember how it felt.
My kids don’t exactly give me thanks; it is a thankless job.” Long strands
of hair covered her face as she lowered her head.
“It sounds like you resent your husband’s power that he derives from his
achievements,” I interpreted.
“I don’t resent him—you’re wrong.” Brushing her hair away from her
face, she bolted upright. Her face turned red with rage.
So she’s resisting, maybe afraid of losing her identity here? She’s clearly
angry with her husband. Is she angry with me, too? Does she envy my power,
my life as a married woman with her own identity and career?
Before exploring her feelings about her husband further, I went for her
feelings about me. We found that she did indeed envy what she considered
 NOT SO SWEET HOME 45

my “having it all.” Part of her wanted to write me off as a tough career

woman, but the other part felt warm feelings toward me. The latter seemed
to win out, for now at least. Debra told me I was a good role model that
she could aspire toward eventually.

Debra’s alternating feelings of envy and admiration seem to be a common-

enough conflict with which other women patients struggle. Often I hear
their projections—that I am envious of them and hate them. Tolerating the
ambiguity of hating and loving is part of the therapeutic process for both
of us. I too must tolerate their shifting feelings and projections toward me.
“Now that we’ve begun to talk about our feelings toward each other,
maybe it’s time to talk about your real feelings toward Don,” I suggested.
“Don works real hard for us, but I feel like it’s not all just for us. A lot
of it’s for him.” She was getting warm.
“How’s that?” I wanted more.
“Don gets off on his success. His achievements make him feel important;
like a somebody.” Debra brushed her hair back defiantly and took a deep
breath.
“And you?” I turned the dialogue to her.
“I feel like a nobody.” Her defiance was dashed. “Making a lot of money
and providing a good life for his family’s a power trip for him.” Eyes spar-
kling, Debra smiled as she glanced at her dazzling diamond.
“You have good insight into your husband’s feelings. What about your
feelings?” I asked.
“I have it good, and I should appreciate it all, and I do. But, I feel lonely
and undesirable,” she whispered shyly.
“So you have mixed feelings,” I suggested.
“They’re not so mixed.” She resisted my interpretation.
“Hmmm,” I uttered.
“Don’s too tired and involved with his career to pay much attention
to me. He comes home late, eats, and watches TV. Most of the time, he
falls asleep on the sofa. Not too romantic. Don used to be fun, and I felt
sexy with him. Now I feel dead. I miss feeling alive.” A tear trickled down
her cheek.
“So, you don’t like his neglect of you.” I tried to give her greater agency.
“No, I don’t like it at all. He has all the fun. It’s not fair.” Debra pouted
like a petulant child. Suddenly she broke out into a nervous giggle.
“I see tears and rage behind the laughter,” I commented.
“I’m sad and annoyed with him.” Clenching her fists, she tried desperately
to control herself. Her shaking torso gave her away. Silence filled the room.
46 DARING WIVES

“Annoyed? How about enraged?” I chose to break the silence and confront
her authentic feelings. Finally, Debra responded.
“I don’t know what else to say,” she uttered quietly.
“Are you afraid to disclose more of your angry feelings?” I suggested.
“It may be too much,” she replied.
“Too much? For you or for me?” I asked.
“Maybe both of us.” Debra’s authentic response was refreshing.
“How was anger handled by your parents when you were little?” I
wondered.
“When I lost my temper, my mother burst out in tears, and enlisted my
father. He hit the roof, screaming at the top of his lungs, and threatening
me with his belt. Sometimes he hit me.” Debra’s sobs were, undoubtedly,
a replay of early childhood feelings of helplessness.
“Where was your mother in this scene?” I asked.
“She fell apart. Mom wasn’t strong enough to stand up to him,” she
replied sadly.
“We can see from where fear of aggression stems. Your father abused his
power, and your mother collapsed. He was too much for you and for her.
It seems that you believe your aggression is destructive, like your father’s,”
I interpreted.
“I’m not comfortable with aggression. I can’t even assert myself,” she
explained meekly. The good little girl showed her face.
“So you’ve learned the hard way that girls ought to be good little girls,
or else. But boys can be bad as bad can be. They sure have the better deal.”
I interpreted her internalizations.
“I like to think I’m a good woman. Aggression doesn’t fit the picture of
a good woman,” she concurred.
“How’s Don with assertion?” I queried.
“Great,” she quipped.
“How is that?” I inquired.
“Well, he’s ambitious, powerful, a little macho, but I kind of like that.
He’s used to calling the shots at work, and he does that with me.” She
showed her displeasure.
“How do you feel about that?” I asked.
“I don’t like it.” She seemed clear about that. “I’ve tried standing up for
myself, but he always wins. He reminds me of everything that he gives me—
the jewelry, a BMW, a gorgeous home, and private schools for the kids.
He yells and threatens to leave me penniless if we split. I’m scared and I
end up apologizing. So, he wins all the time. He’s so controlling.” She was
clearly perturbed.
“A little like your mom and dad.” I made the connection.
 NOT SO SWEET HOME 47

“Yeah, I married my dad. They both have explosive tempers. I guess

I’m a little like my mother.” She confirmed my thoughts.
“How do you mean?” I inquired.
She shuddered. “She didn’t know how to assert herself and neither do I.
I never thought I’d turn into my helpless mother.”
“How are you feeling right now?” I wanted her to articulate her feelings.
“I feel very, very sad,” Debra reflected.
“It sounds like you’re enraged with him and yourself.” I wanted to ferret
out more of her rage.
“I don’t know; all I know is I’m not happy. I’m afraid my marriage
isn’t going to make it.” Debra’s worries took center stage, leaving her angry
feelings in the wings. She was not ready to address angry feelings just yet.
“Would you consider some marital therapy for both of you?” I suggested.
“I don’t want him in therapy with me. I’ve got to be honest with a
therapist, and if he comes in I can’t do that. I haven’t told you everything,”
she blurted out.
“Honest?” I asked.
“I’m having an affair. If Don ever found out, he’d divorce me. I’m ter-
rified about what could happen. Will I lose my kids? Will I really be
penniless?” Her anxiety mounted and she began to gasp for breath.
“I see we’ve hit a sore spot that’s bringing you a lot of anxiety,” I remarked.
“Well, the affair’s not making me anxious. The affair’s my salvation. Without
Rob I’d go crazy. I’m just scared the affair will get out,” she continued.
“Tell me more about how the affair’s your salvation,” I inquired.
“I couldn’t stay in this marriage without Rob—he’s my lover. He’s saving
my marriage. Don gives me all the material things, but I feel empty, dead,
and insignificant with him. Rob makes me feel important, like a somebody.
Rob listens to me; we communicate and he’s so romantic. He’s into me,
and he lets me know it. I get so excited with butterflies in my stomach
when I’m going to see him. He takes me away from my boring life, and I
feel desirable and sexy.” Debra’s bluish-gray sweatsuit seemed to take on a
clear blue-sky hue.
“Wow, this affair’s heady!” I joined her enthusiasm.
“Yeah, like I said, Rob’s great. But, I’m scared Don will find out. My
friend had an affair, and her husband found out. He wants a divorce, and
she stands to lose a lot,” Debra explained, looking down at her bejeweled
left hand once again.
“Any misgivings about the affair?” I wondered.
“No, I wouldn’t say that. I don’t feel guilty, if that’s what you mean.
Don is just not there for me the way Rob is. I’m in seventh heaven with
Rob.” She waxed rapture.
48 DARING WIVES

“How often do you see him?” I asked.

“I only get to see him once a week, but we talk every day. He calls and
listens to me. He can tell what mood I’m in as soon as I say hello. Sex is
over the top, everything goes, and I lead. Can you believe that?” she asked.
“Why not? I’ll bet there are many ways you can lead,” I ventured.
“I don’t know. I feel on top of the world with him, and then I feel down
in the dumps. I’m scared.” Debra was gaining insight into her dilemma.
“So, there’s no free lunch,” I remarked.
“No,” she agreed.
“Rob’s like a vacation, an exciting adventure, a fantasy. Unfortunately,
you have to come back to reality. And you go up and down like the stock
market when you worked on Wall Street,” I interpreted.
“Lately, I’m more down than up. I’m so scared that Don will find out.
And I can’t give Rob up either. I tried and I was miserable. I’m stuck.”
Debra was torn between the devil and the deep blue sea.
“What a dilemma,” I commented.
Amazing! Where are her guilty feelings? Diane Lane in the film Un-
faithful was rent with guilt. Debra’s only concern is fear of her fate. What
about Don? What about hurting him? What about hurting her children?
Is her anger toward Don split off, so she enacts it in this passive-aggressive
way? Is her concern for others obliterated by her rage?
As we continued on our journey together, Debra began to see that her
anxiety was related to her inner conflicts. She got in touch with her rage and
envy of Don’s exciting life. Direct expression of her aggression was not her
strong suit; it was Don’s. In childhood, she failed to get the message that
love could be greater than aggression. When her parents fought, her mother
caved in, her father was the winner, and the marriage was the loser. Her parents
knew no mutuality or understanding of each other’s feelings. So, aggression
was dangerous for Debra.
As Debra began to articulate her mixed feelings, magically her anxiety
and panic attacks subsided. She remembered her volatile father throwing fur-
niture and punching holes in walls while yelling invectives at her mother.
Her mother did not respond outwardly, but she did inwardly. Turning her
aggression inward, she suffered from depression.
As a little girl, Debra cringed and tried in vain to tune them out. At
times, she tried to intervene by pleading with them to stop fighting. They
simply ignored her; she was a mere child. Debra felt powerless in her efforts
to help her parents. Her feelings of insignificance in early childhood were
replicated in her marriage with Don.
 NOT SO SWEET HOME 49

She had always thought she would not become her helpless mom, and
that her children would not suffer like she did. But, unwittingly, Debra
did repeat the pattern from her childhood. She internalized a self that was
helpless. Reenacting the past, Debra felt powerless in her attempts to reach
her husband, so she gave up. But internally, she remained enraged with
him. Disavowing her feelings of rage, Debra enacted them by engaging
in infidelity.
Rob, her personal trainer, came to the house when her husband Don
was not home. One day, Don came home unexpectedly for lunch and al-
most caught Debra and Rob in the act. Debra had managed to get her
shorts on, but her top was unbuttoned. She explained that she was sweaty
and had to change her top. Rob was not quite dressed either. Don did not
really buy the story; he was suspicious, constantly checking on her. It was
just a matter of time before Don would discover the affair.
In therapy, Debra began to explore what could happen to her children.
She feared the consequences of exposure of the affair on her children. Debra
worried that her children would hate her, that they would lose respect for
her, and that they would stop trusting others. Her worries were not exactly
warranted. I have found that children react in the moment, but with good-
enough parenting, they can soon see the bigger picture. Indeed, in the long
run, a child will love and trust her mom more for standing up for herself
than if her mom continues to live in quite desperation. Instead of relating to
a weak, ineffective, helpless mom, when her mom takes a stand—even if it
is with an extramarital affair—her mom is doing something to end the marital
strife. So, a child has a more powerful, effective mom with whom to identify.
Daring Debra did do something drastic to end the marital strife. While
her solution for saving her marriage with an extramarital affair was not
working, it empowered her to make changes. She became aware that she
had to save herself. Then she would tackle her marriage. We worked on
articulating her desires as a separate, active subject, and not merely as a self-
sacrificing object serving the needs of her family. That was her mother’s
self-definition, but it need not have been hers. This approach helped her
allay her fears of getting swallowed up by her powerful husband and the
needs of her children. Together, we found avenues of expression where
Debra would begin to feel autonomous and independent and still devoted
to her family.
Aggression was still a stumbling block. Debra kept protecting us from her
rage. We worked on channeling her aggression into assertion of her passions
and accomplishments. It proved to be an arduous journey.
One of Debra’s buried treasures turned out to be her passion for the arts.
Upon the discovery that her heart and soul soared at the prospect of sculpting,
50 DARING WIVES

she decided to give it a try. A beginner’s sculpting course offered in the lo-
cal museum was just the right thing. The joys of molding something out of
nothing provided her hope of molding her own self. She wanted to be a
somebody, not a nobody. By sculpting massive women with powerful limbs,
she began to recreate herself symbolically. The process and the product of
Debra’s art were active expressions of her inner strivings that helped to
contain and transform her anger.
In time, Debra dared to express her anger directly, which freed her to
express her sexual desires. She began to tell Don what she desired in sex,
what turned her on, and what he could do so that she would orgasm. Don
did not know what had hit him, and he resisted at first. While he was
suspicious of Debra, Don was also intrigued by the change.
Slowly, Debra began to feel more independent, empowered, and responsi-
ble for her actions. Her guilty feelings emerged, and she began to hate what
she was doing with Rob. After all, Don was trying to be a better lover, and
she was enjoying sex with him. That was a plus for the marriage. Their
relationship, however, still had a long way to go.
Debra realized that the affair was a passive-aggressive power play. She
desired more intimacy, but the affair was no way to arrive at it. Her affair
was not about intimacy; it was an escape from reality, her boring life, and
her domineering and neglectful husband. Alas, her affair was not realistic.
Debra and her lover did not share the same toothbrush, nor did they wipe
snotty noses, or throw out the garbage.
A real intimate relationship may not be as glamorous as a forbidden
affair, but there are comforts and joys—even romance and sex—couples
can share. Debra had built a life with Don that needed repair. She and
Don had created history together, with good times and, lately, not such
good times. They had never really tried to work out their differences. She
held on to her frustrations, let them simmer, and acted out secretly. Don
maintained his power by ignoring her and demeaning her, much as her
father had done.
She realized that before she could embark on marital therapy, it was
crucial that she end the affair first. After numerous stops and starts, Debra
finally ended the affair with Rob. Debra and Don have entered marital
therapy where they are learning how to understand each other, and how to
meet each other’s needs.
Intimacy means openness and honesty. A secret act, infidelity is a betrayal
of trust. Infidelity is also a power play for the betrayer, as it leaves the
betrayed spouse disoriented.1 Debra’s greatest fear was exposure of the affair,
so honesty as the road to intimacy was exceedingly dangerous. She showed
her daring side and disclosed the truth in marital therapy.
 NOT SO SWEET HOME 51

Not so surprisingly, Don’s fury and humiliation knew no bounds. He

vowed revenge. Debra was soon able to recognize that rage was Don’s
antidote for the terrible pain she had inflicted upon him. In tears she begged
forgiveness, but Don was not ready to forgive her. He needed time to process
his anger, and Debra understood she would have to bear up and withstand
his assaults. The affair was devastating for both, but it also provided a platform
from which a more meaningful relationship could spring.
As hurtful as the affair was to Don, it was also a wakeup call. He loved
his wife, but he was not aware of the emotional impact of his neglect and his
controlling ways. In marital therapy, Don is learning how to listen, and
Debra is learning how to communicate in direct and assertive ways. Mostly,
they are beginning to gain mutual understanding and empathy. They are
still in marital therapy, and Debra sees me individually. She is calmer these
days, more assertive, and more hopeful.
Like Debra, many wives find that they are not satisfied with domestic
life, and they miss the excitement of their careers in the outside world.
Debra partly used the affair as an exciting escape from her boring existence.
She also envied her husband’s powerful position as the provider. Debra
submitted reluctantly to her husband’s power as she had done in her
childhood with her father. Fearing her aggression, she disavowed it and
then enacted it with an extramarital affair. The affair was a daring attempt
to empower herself.
Debra desired—but did not enjoy—a romantic, exciting, sexually satisfying
marriage. So another motivation in reaching outside of the marriage was
satisfaction of her desires. She believed the extramarital affair made it possible
for her to tolerate the marriage and used the affair to save her marriage. Ironi-
cally, she was almost right—the affair brought everything to a head. Once
the affair was relinquished, Debra was able to work on herself and her
marriage. She came into therapy looking for painless fixes, only to find that
pain and suffering were an integral part of living life fully. In marital therapy,
Debra and Don are working on transforming the pain into a more pleasur-
able life together.

SUBJECT OR OBJECT?
Wives today are grappling with feminist thought advocating that they be
subjects of their own desires, sexual and otherwise. We are not merely objects
to children, or sex objects to men, but desiring sexual subjects in our own
right.2 I use the word grappling because so many of us wives are in conflict
about our desires and our needs. We got a glimpse of this conflict in the
above case study, where Debra desired an equal relationship, but was caught
up submitting to her husband and serving as an object to her family.
52 DARING WIVES

Indeed, wives need nurturance and devotion to loved ones—this is central

to femininity—but, they also need power and achievement—traditionally the
domain of men. The desire for power and achievement, however, is not a
gendered one, but a human trait of both men and women.3
For some wives, the desire for power, independence, and separateness—
to be a desiring subject—conflicts with the wish for the protection, comfort,
and security provided by powerful husbands. In an abortive attempt to have
both, a wife may forgo her desires, submit to an idealized powerful man,
and derive her power vicariously through him. This is a setup for male
domination and abuse of power.4
The more he dominates, the less she has of her own self, her own sub-
jectivity, her own autonomy, and her own power. He becomes the master
and she becomes his slave. Disappearing in him, she ceases to exist, and he
remains alone. Merged without separateness, there are no longer two peo-
ple in the relationship, but one. Erotic relating, however, requires two equal
subjects who are separate and interrelated.
Erotic union is achieved in the tension of separateness and fusion—
where two subjects lose themselves in each other, without loss of self. The
experience of erotic merging achieves its intensity precisely because self and
other are not merged.5
Wives today desire to be recognized and acknowledged, not only to
recognize and acknowledge their husbands as they did in the nineteenth
century. Nevertheless, history has left some indelible marks, and continues
to color intentions of wives. So wives may still desire to be protected, but
not want to be dominated. How does one manage this sweet deal?
In the following case study, you will meet a housewife who marries a
submissive man, dominates him, and pushes him to achieve, so that he
can provide her with comfort and security. Then she lives vicariously
through her achieving, powerful husband. His dependability and reliabil-
ity provide the safety and protection for which she longs. But human
nature is complex and fine-grained, with nuance. Alas, she finds that she
is not so thrilled with her construction. So, what does a girl do for thrills?
She looks elsewhere.

The Power behind the Throne

A downpour threatened floods in the neighboring oceanfront town where
Tara lived. Drenched and shivering, Tara bolted into my office. She refused
my offer for a dry towel. I had been seeing Tara for the last four months,
trying to help her cope with alternating states of despair and hope. Her
feelings about her housewifely role went from fulfillment to frustration. She
either experienced admiration for, or fierce envy of, her husband Roland.
 NOT SO SWEET HOME 53

Tara either loved or she hated. She had not developed the capacity to
hold onto ambiguity, the tension between contradictory feelings of love/
hate, good/bad, separateness/difference, self/other, and subject/object. So
she veered from one pole to the other. Tara’s world was black and white,
with no grays, no nuance, only binaries.
“So you want to suffer today. You refused to dry yourself,” I com-
mented.
Short, cropped dark hair, now soaked, framed the contours of her sculpted
face. A wet lace-trimmed prim frock clung to her body, revealing ample
curves. Her olive skin was flushed, and her dark eyes sunk like black coals
in a red-hot fire. Something was smoldering.
“No, I hate suffering. It’s against my religion,” Tara quipped sardon-
ically.
“I see you brought your sense of humor along with the rain,” I com-
mented.
“Yeah, I’m gonna need it.” She burst into uncontrollable sobs. “I’m miser-
able,” she moaned.
“Miserable?” I asked.
“I’ve always loved the rain; it matches my sad feelings, but today I
can’t stand it; I can’t stand anything.” She continued to shiver as the water
dripped down from her head.
“Like what?” I inquired.
“Like myself. I can’t stand myself,” she responded.
“Hmmm,” I said.
“I hate myself. You see, I’m cheating on my husband, and I hate myself
for it.” Anguished cries swept over her. Salt and rainwater mingled.
“Let’s talk about it further,” I suggested.
“My father warned me that pretty girls had to be very careful, to look
ladylike, not trampy or sexy, because boys would take advantage of us. I
dress down, if you notice,” she explained.
“I notice. So your Dad didn’t validate your sexuality; instead he encour-
aged you to hide behind a demure woman’s skirts. Maybe your mother’s
skirts?” I interpreted and queried further.
“I don’t know much about my mother, but she was anything but de-
mure. Mother was a wild, wanton, evil woman. And I’m following in her
footsteps. When I was two, my mother left my father for another man.
Dad never got over it. I later found out Mother was a junkie, and she
ran off with her drug-pusher boyfriend. Dad was strict, and raised me
to be a good girl: no drugs, no sex before marriage, and no bad boys.
He loved Roland.” Tara’s pensive mood placed her need for self-blame
on hold.
54 DARING WIVES

“I think you told me Roland’s like your father—responsible, dependable,

and sober,” I offered in an attempt to soften her punitive superego.
“Yeah, they’re alike, so what I’m doing is even more despicable.” She
was determined to punish herself.
“Why do you think you’re like your mother?” I asked.
“My mother, my horrid mother. We’re both cheats.” She blushed in
shame.
“She abandoned you for another man. Do you think you’re abandoning
your family by having an affair with another man?” I inquired.
“No way. I’d never leave my kids, but what I’m doing’s still a sin.” She
continued on her path of self-destructive punishment.
“A sin?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m Catholic and adultery’s a sin,” she explained.
“Uh, huh,” I uttered.
So today she’s all bad and Roland’s all good. She’s punishing herself and
sparing me. I guess I’m all good today. Just three days ago, she was yelling
at me for not understanding her. Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe we co-constructed
an impasse. I darted and she dodged. I didn’t stay with her; instead I
proclaimed my separateness by pointing out her resistance. It led to an
argument, maybe a power struggle. Today she’s letting me into her world, and
we’re in a more mutual power place. She’s piqued my curiosity. Can I
pique hers? Can we go for some nuance?
“Roland’s such a good guy?” I tried to engage her curiosity.
“Well, yeah, he is, sort of,” Tara said thoughtfully.
“Sort of ?” I asked.
“Actually, Roland is boring. And I don’t respect him,” she revealed.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Roland’s a wimp,” she responded.
“A wimp? I don’t get it. You’ve told me he’s a successful businessman.”
I was baffled.
“Well, he didn’t want to go to business school, so I pushed him. Then
he went to business school and got his MBA. When he graduated he took
the first job offered to him, even though it was a lousy job. I insisted that
he leave and take this other job. If not for me, he’d still be there, pushing
papers around and making $40,000 a year. He listened to me. And see what
happened? He’s doing great, making five times that much now.” She beamed.
“So you’re in charge, and he abides by your dictates. And you derive
material benefits from his power. How does that make you feel?” I inquired.
“Good. I like being in control. I feel powerful. But he doesn’t always
listen to me. Like now, he’s afraid to go the next step, to move up to upper
 NOT SO SWEET HOME 55

management. He doesn’t like to make waves, except with me.” Tara spewed
out her angry words.
“How is that?” I inquired.
“He controls me when it comes to spending money. He wants me to
give him a written account of every penny I spend—even for groceries. He
calls me a spendthrift. Sure I like nice things. So what? What else can I do
for fun? Roland’s not fun; he’s boring. And he’s so stingy.” She bemoaned
her fate.
“How do you address your discontents with him?” I was curious to see
how she asserted herself.
“I try to hash it out with him, but he ignores me. I can’t get him to
listen to me. He controls the relationship,” she complained bitterly.
“So you’re the power behind the throne. Only, the king has a mind of
his own. And he defeats you. He takes center stage. How’s it to be backstage,
directing a defiant actor?” I interpreted and inquired further.
“I see where you’re going. He’s really got the power, not me.” Tara
sighed wistfully.
“He’s the powerful actor after all, and you’re the powerless reactor. He
dominates you and you’re forced into submitting. And you don’t like it.
Living vicariously through his power’s not working.” My interpretation was
a reach. But then again, why skirt the issue?
“He’s abusive verbally. He calls me lazy, frivolous, that I spend his hard-
earned money recklessly. Maybe he’s right,” she chimed in, while rearranging
the folds in her dress. Ignoring my interpretation, she continued her lament.
“I feel worthless. Maybe I’m really lazy. After all, he’s competing in a
tough, rough world, and I get to stay home, safe and sound.” She was
entertaining a new thought. “But why don’t I like it?” she inquired in bewil-
derment.
“Perhaps his world out there’s giving him more satisfaction than yours,”
I suggested.
“Roland’s life is exciting. I’m left at home, bored and unappreciated. He
comes home after a satisfying day where he’s appreciated, so I resent him.”
She certainly was not skirting any issues.
“You look angry and miserable,” I noted.
“Why shouldn’t I be? He comes home late, tired from work, and
doesn’t talk to me. I have his dinner ready and waiting for him, the house
is spic-and-span, and the kids are bathed and ready for bed. I feel like a
servant. I wait on him hand and foot. He plays with the kids if they’re
still awake, and after dinner, he’s ready to conk out. He’s so boring,” she
complained.
“Sounds frustrating, to say the least,” I said.
56 DARING WIVES

“I also work hard, but he doesn’t recognize me. I’m alone with the kids
all day, and I’m bored. I want adult company, some excitement, and some
romance. And I’m going for it.” Her dark eyes danced as she smiled mis-
chievously.
“Anyone I know?” I wondered about her reverie.
“No, but I know.” She was teasing me.
“Want to let me in on the secret?” I went along with it.
“I’m not fooling you. You get me, Carl gets me, but Roland doesn’t. Oh
yes, Carl’s my lover,” she explained.
She’s getting it, and letting me in, so we’re both in on it. It’s nice to be
on equal footing with her. It doesn’t sound like she feels equality in power
with Roland. Is her affair a means of gaining power?
“Tell me more about your affair,” I suggested.
“Carl’s so different from Roland. Carl’s cool. He’s a lead guitarist in his
own rock band. He’s exciting and fun. I always loved to sing, but Dad
wouldn’t give me lessons. He was afraid I’d land up singing in a nightclub
like a floozy. Carl lets me sing with his band once in a while. That’s the
greatest!” Tara sighed dreamily. She waxed exhilaration.
“Sounds like you two make beautiful music together. I notice that you
said, ‘He lets me sing.’ So he’s in charge. Sound familiar?” I asked.
“No, Carl’s not anything like Roland. Carl’s tattooed with pierced eye-
brows and nipples. He fascinates me. Carl does coke. I tried it, and I like it.
With coke, I feel confident and alive.” Tara was telling all, or was she?
“So, he’s showing you another side of life,” I interpreted.
“Carl is sexy and a risk taker. He’s been arrested a few times. Tells me
jail’s not so bad, that the drug highs are worth it. I don’t know about that.
The idea of jail freaks me out.” Fascination, then disgust, filtered through
as she cringed. The jail she constructed in her marriage was enough. She
did not need another one.
“So, you’ve split your men into good boys and bad boys. Roland’s the
good boy and Carl’s the bad one. It sounds like you love Roland, but you
desire Carl,” I interpreted.
“Yeah, I do love Roland, even though I don’t respect him. I desire Carl,
and I respect that he takes risks.” Tara confirmed my thoughts.
She reminds me of the madonna/whore complex that was so powerful a
force in Freud’s nineteenth-century world—the split between the angel of
the house and the prostitute. Only now, the genders have been reversed.
So many women today struggle with a similar split between love for men
they see as good, dependable, and reliable, and desire for men they see as
 NOT SO SWEET HOME 57

exciting, reckless, and dangerous.6 It’s amazing how countless good women
want bad boys!

“You’ve split love and desire,” I interpreted.

“I really want both, bur I can’t get it from Roland, so . . .” She stopped
to consider my interpretation and continued. “If my father ever knew about
Carl, he’d turn over in his grave.” She squirmed, scrunching her eyes into
tiny dark dots.
“What about Roland? What would he do if he knew?” I asked.
“I think he knows, or at least suspects it. He’s asking me a lot of questions
lately,” she explained.
“So you’ve got him off guard. Now, that’s got to be a powerful place
for you. You’ve got a secret, you know about it, and he’s left guessing,” I said.
“It’s not right, not fair to Roland. I do love him, and I wish I desired
him. I feel like telling him the truth.” She was on the right track.
“For whose sake would that be? Yours or his?” I asked.
“For mine, I guess. It’d help ease my guilty conscience.” She was candid,
all right.
“Maybe your confession would help Roland to feel relieved that he’s
not crazy, that something’s really going on. It could also help the marriage
to become more honest, more open, and more intimate. You might get to
really understand Roland and he’d get to understand you. Who knows? You
might find Roland to be stronger and sexier,” I suggested.
As we continued to work, Tara began to gain more insight into her
desires for an extramarital affair. We mined multiple layers of meaning for
her decision. There was no one answer or one solution. Clarity came at a
price, a path on which she dared to embark. Alas, Tara was about to discover
that clarity was muddled with murky waters of ambiguity and uncertainty—
a central goal in our work.
Tara decided that she would weather the storm with Roland for the
possibility of peace of mind. After ending the affair with Carl, Tara confessed
to Roland about her infidelity. Roland was not really shocked, as he’d
suspected it all along. He felt vindicated, and determined to punish Tara for
her infidelity. In his mind, he was upright and moral; she was decadent
and immoral. Roland called Tara every name in the book, cursing and com-
paring her to her “adulterous, dirty, junky, whorish mother.” Nothing
could be more painful. By meting out the ultimate punishment, he felt
somewhat vindicated.
Valiantly, Tara suffered his vitriolic onslaughts and begged to be redeemed.
She did not counterattack or construct excuses for her behavior. Finally,
Roland found forgiveness in his heart and he joined Tara in marital therapy.
58 DARING WIVES

Tara remained in individual therapy as well, whereas Roland refused to do

any individual work. He was not ready yet.
In therapy, Tara recognized the affair for what it was—mainly a vehicle
for her to embrace her raw sexuality, her daring, dangerous, and dark
side. She had split off her vivacious, desiring subjectivity and enacted it with
exciting and dangerous Carl. Her marriage became lifeless and dull. Excite-
ment was split off from security, and love from sexual desire. Indeed, people
in our time, like in Freud’s time, may find it hard to see that two oppos-
ing emotional states can coexist. So they split love from sexual excitement,
and commitment from passion.7
As the power behind the throne, Tara was left holding the crown for
Roland. He wore the crown and she resented his power. Roland was the
subject of his own desires, and Tara was his handmaiden. Despite efforts at
dominating Roland in order to live vicariously through him, she remained
at his mercy. He was not such a benevolent dictator. He held onto his sov-
ereign power by criticizing her and treating her like a servant.
Another one of Tara’s conflicts revolved around her dependent house-
wifely role and her desires for independence. She struggled with seeing
herself as an active subject of her own desires, and not a passive object to her
husband. Wishing to flee from the clutches of her constricted childhood and
controlling husband, she escaped with an extramarital affair. Her defiant act
did not really do the trick.
She decided to pursue an old interest of hers where she would derive
separateness and fulfillment. Singing lessons, forbidden by her father, were
now a godsend. Tara is beginning to feel more comfortable about exercising
her own autonomy.
The affair brought Tara and Roland closer and they worked at hearing
each other’s perspective. Nevertheless, trust had eroded. Roland was in-
sanely jealous of Tara’s voice teacher and the prospects of her performing to
admiring men. A little like her father? Indeed, with the extramarital affair,
Tara unwittingly recreated the possessive, jealous relationship with her
father. Only this time, she saw her role in the construction and felt remorse.
We worked on tolerating the ambiguity and uncertainty of two opposing
feeling states that existed simultaneously. In childhood, Tara experienced
her mother as the irresponsible, decadent, self-indulgent one and her father
as the responsible, innocent, moral one. On the surface, she identified with
her proper father and married a proper husband. Deep down, Tara disavowed
her exciting, self-indulgent parts and enacted them by having an affair
with a risky, dangerous man.
A goal of marital therapy was to arrive at a relationship where Tara and
Roland could endure the tensions of commitment and passion, comfort and
 NOT SO SWEET HOME 59

erotica, security and excitement, love and desire. Another goal was to learn
mutual recognition and empathy for one another’s desires. In communica-
tions work, Tara and Roland took turns listening to each other, paraphrasing
what the other said and responding. This exercise helped them to place
themselves in each other’s shoes—the basis of empathy.
The communications exercise also highlighted how the couple wanted
sameness by obliterating differences. In the marriage they had taken turns
in the dance of power, domination, and submission. In marital therapy,
Tara and Roland are working on articulating differences and bridging them
without assigning a right or wrong to either one. And that is pretty much
where they are now.
The struggle for power—who is to blame, who is taking advantage of
whom, who is exploiting or exploited—is exceedingly difficult. Fighting for
who is in the right places the marriage in the wrong. Who is right or wrong
does not matter in marriage; what matters is getting along.
Tara resisted the reinstatement of romance that they had enjoyed early
in the marriage. She felt tied to her children and reluctant to leave them
overnight with a baby sitter. They decided to go slowly and start with
romantic dinners and dancing. One evening, Tara got up and sang with the
band. Guess what? Roland applauded proudly. Sure, he watched the men
watching his wife and felt insanely jealous. But he contained himself and
they talked about it afterward. The marriage survived this act of separateness.
Though tempted, Tara did not run off with the winsome piano player. She
returned to her husband’s embrace.

BOTH SIDES OF A COIN

When I’m good I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.
—Mae West

Do you see any of yourself in the above cases? How about fears of losing
your identity in your housewifely role? What about power, domination,
and submission? Or frustration in not getting your emotional or sexual needs
met in the marriage?
Feeling unfulfilled in marriage was a prime motive for infidelity in the
above cases, which is consistent with recent research.8, 9 Neither affair was
intended to augment the marital relationship, but rather to supplement it.
The affairs were mainly attempts to get the missing elements in the marital
relationship. Nor were the affairs merely for expulsion of sexual desires as
in the 1960s. Sex was a part of it, but not the prime motivator.
The housewifely role in which women stand to lose their autonomy,
separateness, and identity may be a source of fear, anxiety, malaise, and
60 DARING WIVES

existential angst. Like other wives in past history, many housewives today
devote themselves to nurturing their families while their husbands make
their marks in the business world. Rather than being subjects of their own
desires, they become objects to others.
In our current culture, however, housewives hold other expectations
from marriage. They desire mutual understanding and power. They also de-
sire sexual and emotional engagement with husbands. They want romance
and intimacy, yet it seems to evade them in the marriage. So they may turn
to an affair. Alas, securing romance and intimacy in an affair is a myth. Why
then are romance and intimacy so hard to sustain?
A chief factor in maintaining romance and intimacy is the ability to be
comfortable with ambiguity. The arena for romantic, erotic excitement lies
in the tension between separateness and merger, sexual passion and com-
mitment, excitement and security, love and hate. Unfortunately, difference
may signify separateness, and separateness signifies loss of the other and
the relationship.10 To avoid abandonment, one partner dominates and the
other submits.
In both the past and the present, housewives are most often the partners
to sacrifice themselves. Indeed, male domination with female submission
has been coiled into women’s experience over the years.11 A dynamic of
power and submission, however, is not where we find the other and the
relationship. Rather, it is how we lose the other, and how both partners
are left lonely and isolated.
Unconscious templates of early patterns of relating interfere with our
ability to sustain intimacy and romance. Women continue to disavow their
aggression, as seen in Debra’s story. Not so for men. Women tend to split
off their detested traits like hate, envy, and bad-girl aspects. For many of us,
bad girl parts are discordant with our culture, our internalized childhood
templates, and how we wish to be seen by others. Negative qualities, how-
ever, do not disappear; they are biodegradable. They go underground, only
to resurface in other forms. Bad-girl parts stay behind closed doors, only to
come out to play with bad-boy lovers, as seen in Tara’s case.
Muriel Dimen,12 the brilliant relational psychoanalyst and feminist, writes
about the importance of multiplicity to replace dualisms in sexuality and
women’s development. She tells us that aggression, hatred, envy, competi-
tion—bad-girl parts—must come forward lest we remain locked in a false
good girl model of femininity.
How can you resolve some of these dynamics? There are multiple con-
structions and equally multiple solutions. I have found that many housewives
need a “room of their own”—a separate place where they can experience
their authentic, creative, and powerful selves. They need a sphere where they
 NOT SO SWEET HOME 61

can be subjects of their own desires and passions without resorting to extra-
marital affairs.
Infidelity may threaten the marriage and needs to be examined carefully.
The affair, however, may be a catalyst for marital repair, as in the above stories.
Marital therapy is essential for healing from hurts, and to restore romance
and passion. Most often, couples have not learned to articulate their feelings
and work them through without help. Their parents did not leave them
with a working model for resolving differences and for intimacy.
Can you fall in love with your husband again, and can he reciprocate?
For the most part, I believe it is possible. To increase the probability of
success, you and your spouse must commit to some hard work; and hard
work never hurt anyone. Working through adversity can strengthen the
marriage and result in mutual understanding, openness, love, and desire—real
intimacy. Not every marriage, however, can be repaired. Nevertheless, hard
work will strengthen the partners to go on with their lives separately. They
will acquire the tools for love and fulfillment in or out of the marriage.
Speaking of hard work, how about wives in the workplace? Are they
feeling more autonomous, independent, and powerful? Do working wives
have it all, achievement and families? Not necessarily, as you will see in the
following chapter. Indeed, working wives may have their own issues, feel
desperate, and also dare to engage in extramarital affairs.
5
Wanderlust While They
Work
WORKING WIVES AND OUTSIDE ROMANCE

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

—Mae West

DUELING ROLES
Too many women still martyr themselves rather than risk upsetting the marital
apple cart.
—Karen J. Maroda1

Scores of wives have assumed working roles in and out of the home. Notwith-
standing the stress, strain, and drain of the workplace, wives derive certain
benefits. In the workplace, they get satisfaction by recognition and validation
of their work and their personalities. Earning one’s own money can also be
empowering. Unlike their stay-at-home sisters, at the workplace, wives fulfill
desires for autonomy, independence, and separateness. At work, they feel
freer to compete and assert themselves.
At a deeper level, however, wives may still be ill at ease with these cultur-
ally defined masculine traits. For eons, women have been more comfortable
with cooperation than competition.2 Across the generations, wives have
opted for gentleness over toughness, nurturance over aggression, and devo-
tion to loved ones over achievement in the world. It is easy to see how
some modern-day working wives may feel conflicted about their dual roles
of power and devotion.
Historically, husbands have been threatened by wives’ separateness, power,
and independence. By assuming powerful roles, working wives may fear re-
jection by their husbands. Husbands may wish to assume power over their
64 DARING WIVES

domestic diva wives. By tending to husbands’ needs before their own, wives
may unwittingly collude with their hubbies’ needs.
In order to preserve the marital status quo, wives may feel compelled
to conceal their desires for power and success.3 Working wives often feel
guilty about deserting children and household duties. So, after a hectic day
at work, they go overboard at home, frenetically cooking, picking up
messes, chauffeuring children, checking on homework, and comforting
bruised knees and feelings. While they are knee deep in drudgery, their
hubbies are free to watch the network news. Essentially, husbands are off
the hook, and wives are left sinking. In silence, working wives struggle to
be heard.
In the sixties, when wives went back to work en masse, husbands promised
to help with parenting and household chores. They did not help then, nor
do they help now.4 Indeed, even among young couples today, in 70 percent
of cases, wives do 70 percent of the work whether they are working or
not.5 So, the burden falls on working wives, with untold pressures.
With wives feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and fed up with husbands,
romance and sex are degraded. Collapsing in the arms of a willing, comforting,
and convenient co-worker promises a romantic respite; and romance in the
workplace is not hard to find. The workplace offers tempting opportunities
for racy romances. Suddenly, lagging spirits are revived. The following case
study depicts a working wife’s stresses, the fading of romance in her mar-
riage, and the temptations in the workplace for a convenient and romantic
extramarital affair.

Sarah’s Stresses
“How soon can you see me?” a soft voice beseeched me.
“What seems to be the problem?” I asked.
“Everything. I’m stressed out and ready to explode. It’s my job, my
husband, my . . . I just can’t cope.” The words tumbled out frantically over
the telephone wire. I gave her an appointment for the next day, and she
sighed in relief.
Sarah arrived a half hour early, and patiently stayed in the waiting room.
Strawberry blond hair tied back, in a cream-colored, tailored suit with con-
trasting accessories, she was outfitted for business. Her smudged mascara and
wringing hands suggested otherwise. Her shiny freckled face was yet another
tip-off. Our urbane, sophisticated lady may not have been so sophisticated
after all.
“I’m sorry I’m early, but I was afraid I couldn’t find your office, so I left
lots of time,” Sarah explained apologetically.
“How can I help you?” I asked.
 WANDERLUST WHILE THEY WORK 65

“I don’t know.” Her slim, petite body caved in.

“On the phone you spoke about your job and your husband. Why
don’t you begin by telling me more about your job? Then we can talk about
your husband.” Work for women seems to be less emotionally charged than
intimate relationships. So I inquired about her job before her marriage.
“I work for an advertising agency. Actually, I’m a vice president. I’m under
constant pressure to make tight deadlines to please my accounts and to keep
expenses down. It’s a stressful job, but I love it.” She sat up straight, filling
every inch of her five-foot, hundred-pound frame.
“What do you love about it?” I inquired.
“I like making my own money. My husband Charles makes good money,
and he doesn’t want me to work, but I need it for my sanity. I’d go crazy in
the house all day long. I tried it and we almost got divorced. So I went to
work where, yeah, it’s hectic, but I like the challenge. I like the idea of my
high-power job. Am I selfish?” She equivocated.
“Why are power and achievement selfish?” I inquired.
“Well, I should be home for my kids after school; instead they go home
to a baby sitter. I feel guilty about leaving them. I try to be a good mom
and wife, so I do what I can for my family—the grocery shopping, cooking,
cleaning up afterwards, helping my boys with the homework, and getting
them ready for bed. Then I’m pooped.” She delineated her burdensome
role at home.
“I can see why. Does Charles help you with any of this?” I wondered.
“No, he doesn’t do a thing around the house. He plays with the kids and
leaves the discipline to me. He’s a big spoiled kid himself. His excuse for
not helping is that I chose to work. It’s my problem, not his. So why should
he help? If I stayed home, I’d have plenty of time, and not be so stressed,”
Sarah blurted out.
“You seem angry with Charles,” I noted.
“I shouldn’t be angry. I chose to work; he’s right,” she replied tartly.
“How’s he right not to support your desire to achieve satisfaction as a
separate person?” I showed my anger, which she had disavowed.
“I think he’s threatened by my work, where I have a separate, independent
life. He’d like me under his thumb, where he can treat me like a depen-
dent child, dole out money to me, and keep me tied to him.” Her neat suit
began to show wrinkles.
“Now we’re getting somewhere.” I validated her candor.
“Not really. I feel like I’m stuck, going nowhere,” Sarah spoke tearfully.
“It sounds like, at home and at work, you’re Superwoman. Only you’re not
flying; instead, you’re faltering. But, Superwoman had an assistant. Do you
ask Charles for help?” I tried to get her more in touch with her dilemma.
66 DARING WIVES

“I’ve tried, but he doesn’t listen. It’s funny. At work, I’m in charge of
fifty employees, and at home I can’t get my husband off the sofa to help
me.” She was right on.
“So, you’re a lion at work and a mouse at home,” I suggested.
“You could say that,” Sarah laughed.
“It seems you’re more comfortable with devotion to your family and
nurturance of their needs than your desires for autonomy, power, and
achievement at work,” I interpreted.
“I need to think about that.” Sarah pondered my interpretation. “Speak-
ing of desires, I have a lover.” Briefly emboldened, Sarah soon retreated into
a timid schoolgirl. She meekly asked me to excuse her while she used the
bathroom.
Are my daring, frank words encouraging her to be more daring and outspo-
ken? Is she dismayed about her daring revelation? She’s been timid about
her desires with me. At home, she probably denies her desires for power,
separateness, and independence by plunging headlong into housewifely
duties. I wonder if she sacrifices her desires for fulfillment to preserve the
marriage. How about her desire for a lover? No wonder she’s stressed.
She’s a complex woman—a challenge.
“How does your lover fit into all of this?” I was curious.
“He doesn’t. Larry, my lover, works at the same agency, only he does
PR.” She wasn’t making any connections.
“So the affair has nothing to do with any problems in your marriage?” I
kept at it.
“I didn’t look for an affair; it just happened,” she replied innocently.
It just happened? Often wives feel that way. With deeper insight, however,
they uncover multiple problems that led to the affair. Then they can
see that the affair wasn’t merely a happening—a passive response—but
an active act of will and desire. That’s more hopeful. Once we acknowl-
edge agency, we’re in control, and we can make changes. A happening
places us in the back seat, whereas desire puts us in the driver’s seat. How
empowering desire can be!
I’ll try to see why she keeps herself in this powerless position. Has it
got to do with a penchant for denial of her desires? What about self-blame?
Her unnecessary apology to me for coming early may be a clue to a
propensity for self-blame. Perhaps she goes on automatic pilot to blame
herself unduly, like so many of us women. Years of society placing blame on
women for either too much or too little sexuality have their impact.
Her double load of home and work stresses may well be a part of her
desire for an affair. Her anger with Charles for not lending support to
 WANDERLUST WHILE THEY WORK 67

her desires must figure into it. We have just begun, and already so many
directions to pursue. My head’s spinning. I guess hers is too. No wonder
she’s stressed.

Upon returning from the bathroom, Sarah explained she had to leave
early and asked for another appointment soon. We made one for two
days later.
In the following sessions, Sarah let her hair down literally and figuratively.
She wanted to talk about the affair.
“I want to tell you more about my relationship with Larry. I think it’ll
be good to get it off my chest,” she explained.
“Is the affair adding to your stresses?” I wondered.
“No, not at all; it’s just weighing on me. I don’t know why. Oh, yes, I
found out that Charles is having an affair. He denies it, but I know.” She
changed the subject.
“How do you feel about Charles having an affair?” I was curious.
“How can I feel? It’s not like I’m not doing the same thing,” she ex-
plained rationally.
“I see.” I did.
“Like I said, I wasn’t looking for the affair; it just happened. It was all
just so tempting.” Sarah was determined to keep it there.
“How’d it happen?” There was no reason to fight her, so I joined her.
“We work together on certain accounts; it’s been a great working rela-
tionship. We each have a say, and respect one another’s point of view. One
day, Larry invited me to lunch to talk about a big, important, and difficult
account. We both opened up about our frustrations and how we had a hard
time dealing with stresses. One lunch led to another, when we began con-
fiding in each other about problems in our marriages. We had a real good,
close friendship before any sex happened. We met for six months before we
went to bed.” She explained the evolution of the affair, not the underlying
meaning as yet.
“So you both have problems in your marriages,” I clarified.
“I guess so. Maybe we’d just be good friends if I had a better love life
with Charles.” She thought about it.
“How would you describe your love life with Charles?” I asked.
“We don’t have one. For Charles a love life is just sex. He wants sex all
the time, only I don’t. When I’m done for the evening, I’m too tired for
sex. Anyhow, Charles doesn’t turn me on. He’s not understanding or romantic.
He doesn’t want to talk, or listen to me, to hug, or be close to me. He just
wants to do it,” she complained.
“Hmmm,” I murmured.
68 DARING WIVES

“Charles calls me frigid, that I don’t like sex, that I’m cold. Little does
he know,” Sarah smiled wryly.
“You don’t seem cold to me,” I noted. Indeed she sat on the couch close
to me and made good eye contact.
“Well, I’m not. For a long while, I believed Charles, but I found out
differently. It took Larry to open my eyes. Making love with Larry is super.
We spend time talking, laughing, and delighting in each other before any
sex. I love his sense of humor, and we have fun together. We have pet
names for each other. I’m his little cabbage, and he’s my bunny wabbit. Larry
and I kiss a lot, he caresses my body all over, goes down on me till I orgasm,
and then he enters me. I can’t even have one orgasm with Charles, but I
have multiple orgasms with Larry.” She stretched out in a catlike pose of
pure, unadulterated pleasure.
“So you feel like a desiring woman with Larry. Do you love him?” I asked.
“Yup, I love Larry. Like I said, it’s not really about sex; it’s about our
friendship. He’s my best friend.” She was intent on denying her sexual desires.
“You seem intent on denying your desires for power at work and for
an erotic relationship. I wonder how your mother handled her desires,” I
interpreted. Then I asked for greater clarification.
“I don’t think she had any desires of her own. Dad ordered her around,
and she didn’t fight him. It was his way or the highway, so she didn’t have
much of a say. Mom was a dutiful housewife and catered to her family.
Sacrificing herself for her family, she grew dependent on my Dad. That’s
partly why I work—not to be dependent on Charles.” Sarah was making
connections.
In the following sessions, Sarah and I explored more of her family history.
Her mother had suffered from debilitating depression, with several hospi-
talizations. Her dad had been a powerful trial lawyer, winning large sums
for his clients. It was well known that he carried on with his secretaries
and sometimes with his clients. Sarah harbored conflicted loyalties about
his adultery. While she admired her father’s strength, success, and achieve-
ments, she also blamed him for her mother’s illness. She abhorred her
father’s voracious desires for power and sex. Sarah also felt protective of
her weak mother. Her father was a powerful, autonomous, achieving man,
and Sarah identified with him in some ways. Nevertheless, his power and
success were dangerous and hurtful, so Sarah denied the powerful, autono-
mous parts of her own self. Hence, some of the genesis of her inner conflict
about her power and success.
Sarah’s father came home late and had little time for her. His domineering
ways were not confined to his wife, but they also affected Sarah. An authori-
tarian parent, he shouted out his commands to little Sarah. In grand lawyerly
 WANDERLUST WHILE THEY WORK 69

eloquence, her father won all disputes with Sarah. Rather than gaining
recognition of her own opinions, Sarah’s separateness and power were met
with punishment. She felt compelled to apologize to her father and beg his
forgiveness. Therein lay the origins of part of her self-negating and self-
blaming behavior.
Standing by her man, Sarah’s mother agreed with her father. In doing
so, Sarah’s mother failed to validate Sarah’s strengths, too. Her mother
encouraged her to be demure, sweet, and innocent, and said that the right
man would take care of her. Sarah did find a man to take care of her, but
dared to differ from her mother. She was determined to take care of herself
with independence at work and at home. Part of her failure in securing
Charles’s help at home was her fear of dependence.
Whereas Sarah’s mother was nurturing and gentle, her punitive and
powerful father was not. Unable to identify with her passive, submissive
mother for a sense of agency, Sarah identified with her father for subjectivity
and power. Like her father, Sarah became successful in a high-powered
job, and engaged in an extramarital affair. In her marriage, Sarah identified
more with her mother, overdid her caring, denied her power, and was
helpless in getting her needs met with Charles.
As to Sarah’s marriage, for every jar there is a lid. Charles sealed the jar.
A domineering man much like Sarah’s father, Charles did not recognize his
wife’s strengths. Instead he undermined her. His masculinity was tied into
being in charge, so that Sarah’s marriage resembled her parents’ marriage.
Fortunately, Sarah was determined not to meet the same fate as her mother.
Armed with greater insight, Sarah tried to work on the marriage. But,
one person alone does not make or break a marriage. Charles persisted in
defending himself and blaming Sarah for their problems. He was unwilling
to look at his role in the problems. He blamed Sarah for rejecting him
sexually and “making him” have affairs. Of course, no one makes anyone
do anything. Well, that was the last straw. While Sarah had an affair, she took
responsibility for it. But Charles’s arrogance was too much for her. Sarah
filed for divorce, and they are now battling it out. Seeing as the marriage
showed no promise, Sarah never told Charles about her affair.
What happened to Larry, her great love? Sadly enough, when she filed
for divorce, Larry got cold feet. He said his wife was too fragile to handle
a divorce, and that she wanted too much money. Larry promised to keep
trying and pleaded with Sarah to continue the relationship with him. Sarah
declined. She began to see that Larry was not the man she thought he was;
he simply wanted an affair, not a real relationship.
Sarah dared to take her life into her hands and make changes, but Larry
did not. She dared to let go of both men, and to go on with her life. She
70 DARING WIVES

is more confident and comfortable with her power, independence, and

separateness, as well as her nurturance, gentleness, and caring. Also, Sarah
is hopeful about finding satisfaction of her desires for a mutually reciprocal
relationship with another man. She feels she is able to make better choices
and to assert herself in an intimate relationship.
In this case study, the extramarital affair served as an illusory love to bolster
a dead marriage. An affair with a co-worker was also convenient. Indeed,
the workplace is a tempting ground for infidelity. With enough problems
in the marriage, temptation is hard to resist. Sarah’s stresses at work and home
brought her into therapy, but it was far more than that. Childhood history
had hard-wired Sarah for denial of power and success at home. Cultural
history of denial of women’s power and sexuality had its impact as well. Her
history also primed her for an intransigent, domineering man.
The above story illuminated multiple layers of meaning—cultural history,
childhood history, temptations in the workplace, problems in the marriage,
and each partner’s role in wrecking the marriage. Sarah’s daring side fueled
her desire for an extramarital affair. It also empowered her to leave both the
affair and the marriage in order to seek a more meaningful and fulfilling
relationship. Are there stresses ahead? I hope so; without stress we cannot
have success.

WHAT WORKING WIVES WANT

But why is it that some of our stars ignite and burn themselves out, falling to earth
as little more than ashen rock, while others, muted over time, continue to float
gracefully through space.
—Jody Messler Davies6

Although wives go off to the workplace to fulfill various inner desires, they
may also need the money to make ends meet. Two-income families are not
uncommon in our current economy. Desires for financial independence,
emotional independence, autonomy, separateness, and appreciation may
be still other motivators for wives working. Or, a wife may simply work to
get away from the home and her drab, dull housewife life. She and her
husband have worked on the marriage, so that there is interplay between
romance and commitment, erotic desire and love.
Then there are those wives who feel that romance in the marriage has
faded, that their lives are limited and narrow. That is not to say they do not
love their husbands. They do, but they want more, much more. Safety, se-
curity, comfort, caring, and commitment are not enough. Many a wife yearns
for adventure, excitement, novelty, passion, and sexual and personal growth.
 WANDERLUST WHILE THEY WORK 71

Frustrated in not fulfilling these desires in the marriage, the workplace beck-
ons seductively. Imagination, the handmaiden of desire, has no bounds.
A wife may fulfill herself and expand herself at work. She may also explore
new creative areas for a capacious self. By the same token, she may find
limitless romance and passionate desire in the workplace. The innocent,
young trainee may be smitten with her. Or she may attract a distinguished,
dashing older associate. The stunning sexy superior may even go for her.
So many tempting possibilities! Do you remember the movie Thelma and
Louise, which featured two daring women on the road to sexual and per-
sonal freedom and self-expansion? Much like Thelma and Louise, wives
today leave home to explore their selves. But, unlike the two movie heroes
with wanderlust on the highway, wives may remain in the marriage with
wanderlust in the workplace.
It is these wives whom I want to examine—the wives who believe that
romance in marriage does not last, that it is normal for steamy sex to cool
down and for marriage to become merely familiar and comfortable. They
believe that intense, passionate desire in the early phase of marriage diminishes
as deep affectionate love and security take over.
The sexy voice of desire and the steady rhythm of love simply cannot
coexist in one relationship. Does this discordant note sound familiar?
In his last book prior to his untimely death, Stephen Mitchell,7 a leading
figure in relational psychoanalysis, left us with some brilliant and fresh in-
sights on the topic of lasting romance. He opined that romance and erotic
relating did not diminish in marriage; they became increasingly dangerous.
So we go into a risk-management mode and degrade passion and romance
in the marriage. It is not that romance fades; it is that we, unwittingly, de-
stroy it. But why is romantic, sexual desire so dangerous?
A partner who can satisfy our desires over time is risky. We begin to need
them for fulfillment of our desires. Placing ourselves in the perilous position
of depending on our partners raises all kinds of fears. Mitchell goes on to say
that in a monogamous marital relationship you select only one partner, which
dramatically increases your dependency on your partner.
Dependency on only one person leaves you feeling vulnerable. You are
now hostage to your partner’s feelings and actions. Human nature is constantly
in flux, and people change. Knowing you well, your partner may lose interest
in you, detest your fallibilities, betray you, or leave you. There are risks,
but there are no real risk-free meaningful relationships. Yet, we try to escape
hurtful risks.
Mitchell8 argues that we struggle to curtail dependency by constructing
limited marriages. One way of achieving this is to bring mundane reality
to the foreground and push excitement and romance to the background.
72 DARING WIVES

Together with our partners, we collude to keep devotional love alive and let
sexual desire die. By focusing on commitment, safety, and stability—compo-
nents of love—we lose sight of adventure, excitement, and spontaneity—
components of desire. But real love does not lie in either love or desire; it
is in both. Real love lies in the tension between love and desire. The inability
to sustain adventure and safety, sex and security, excitement and commitment
degrades romance. By collapsing one pole into the other, we squeeze the
life out of marriage and real love.
If romance in marriage is dangerous because we become dependent on
our one and only partner, is not a second or third partner safer? As the age-
old adage goes, “It’s not safe to put all your eggs in one basket.” Which
begs the question, If monogamous marriage cannot maintain sexual desire,
novelty, and adventure, why not look elsewhere? What more enticing place
for prospects is there than the workplace?
Daring to act on desires for an extramarital affair is one way to go, but
there are others. The hopeful aspect of Mitchell’s theorizing is that once
we understand how we construct and destruct relationships, we can assume
responsibility and change our self-defeating patterns. He believes that love and
romance can endure. It is up to us.
In the next case study, meet a working wife who wanted more out of
her dead marriage and dull life. Unaware of her self-destructive efforts to
protect herself from the risks of real love in marriage, she did what many
of us do. She looked for love outside of the marriage. But if you’ve opted
for margarine over butter, we have new findings. It turns out that soft
margarine is a far greater health hazard than sweet, creamy butter. There is
something about the real thing that no substitute can replace.

Alicia in Wanderland
One of those long, twelve-hour days at the office was finally coming to
a close. Not that it was a bad day; it was simply draining. Emergencies,
trauma, and pain marked the hours, with little respite. A hot bath and soft
bed promised sweet surrender to slumber. The repeated knocks on my door
suggested otherwise. In stumbled Alicia. Wild red hair disheveled, scarlet
lipstick smeared, short wrap skirt askew, she looked like she had been
shot out of a cannon.
“I thought I should see you.” Nonchalantly, Alicia meandered over to
the couch.

No apology, no appointment, no warning, no recognition of me. As usual,

it’s all about her. Where’s she been, looking like that? Her attire’s
unusual, even for her—a hemline and cleavage that almost meet! What
 WANDERLUST WHILE THEY WORK 73

am I thinking? I feel like her protective father, or worse still, her chastising,
envious mother.
“Why now?” I asked.
“You seem angry with me.” She pouted tearfully. I thought I smelled
liquor.
“Yup, I’m angry with you, Alicia. I also have a life, it’s late, and we had
no appointment.” I tried to explain that we were engaged in a relationship,
which entailed both of us, not just her.
“I know you have a life, but I don’t.” Groggily she tried to get up, only
to fall flat on her face. On her descent, she threw up on my new rose-
colored carpet. Then she passed out.
So, I’m not only her parents, I’m her maid! I knew she downed some
shots here and there, but I never saw her dead drunk. I wonder what’s
up. She sure knows how to get to me.
Alicia wanders in and out of marriages, moods, and men. Last week
it was casual chic—skin-tight designer jeans, midriff-cropped tops, and
dangling jeweled earrings to go with her belly button jewel. She giggled,
cooed, and moaned about her lover, Tony. The week before, she was the
epitome of sophistication—sort of. Her long, black, slinky dress was
one thing, but her rose tattoos encircling her ankles were another. Somber
and dramatic, her sonorous tone denounced Tony. He was new on the
scene; others had come and gone.
You’d think Alicia was a fickle adolescent. Hardly. She’s pushing
sixty-five! Unpredictable, wild, and wanton, she’s oblivious to others’
needs. Alicia sure is a challenge. But why am I even contemplating seeing
her at this time of night? Is she that entertaining, that colorful, and
captivating? She reminds me of my younger days. I must keep in mind the
analytic frame, and refrain from breaking the boundaries.
I managed to move her and clean up her mess, when she woke up.
“I’m so ashamed of myself. I need to talk to you,” she wailed.
“Alicia, I think you’re in no condition for us to talk. I’ll call a cab and
see you tomorrow at our scheduled appointment.” After Alicia left, I went
upstairs to my home to the familiar comfort of my hubby and my two kitties.
A cup of chamomile tea helped.
The following day brought a refreshed Alicia, looking surprisingly alert
and ready to work.
“You’re looking chipper,” I remarked.
“I called in sick and slept all day. I couldn’t believe what I looked like
last night when I got home,” she explained.
74 DARING WIVES

“What happened?” I inquired.

“So much happened. I don’t know where to begin.” She was
quizzical.
“Wherever is just fine,” I suggested, giving her agency to make the choice.
“I got drunk last night, it was a bad night all around. Tony warned
he’d leave unless I got a divorce from Ernesto. I told Tony that Ernesto
would never give me a divorce, so he threatened to take care of Ernesto.”
Oddly, Alicia looked calm.
“Is Ernesto in danger?” I asked.
“I don’t think so. Tony’s passionate and cavemanlike. He wants what he
wants when he wants it. But he’s all talk.” She seemed certain about that.
“So, he’s bluffing. You said Ernesto wouldn’t give you a divorce. Do
you want one?” I was calling her bluff.
“No, I don’t want a divorce. I’ve made so many mistakes. This is my
fifth marriage and I’m determined to make it stick. Like I told you, I had
affairs in each marriage. Not a good record; I’m ashamed of it. I didn’t want
to cheat in this marriage, so I went back to work.” Alicia’s pensive mood
surprised me—pleasantly, that is. Indeed, for people like Alicia, thinking
before acting shows progress.
“Why’d you think working would prevent an affair?” I was puzzled.
“I don’t know. All I know is, I didn’t want to get into trouble again.” She
spoke earnestly.
“From the looks of it, I’d say you did.” I was candid.
“Yeah, I keep getting into hot water over and over.” Alicia began to
tell one of her failed-marriage stories. “In my first marriage, my husband
Tom was devoted and caring, but dull. He was an accountant, and real
good with figures, except for mine. We rarely had sex, and when we did,
it was the same monotonous routine. I withdrew, got depressed, and landed
in the hospital. Tom’s a bore, but he’s a born caretaker. He nursed me
back to health.”
“How’d you feel about Tom then?” I wondered if she would give him
an inch.
“I’m indebted to Tom, but I didn’t feel any passion, excitement, or erotic
desire. He was more like a father than a lover.” She was not giving him a
centimeter, let alone an inch.
“Uh huh,” I joined her.
Her saga continued. “So, I went after my passion for design. I got a job
as a graphics designer and threw myself into my work. I ended up having
an affair with my art director, Alex. He encouraged my work, inspired me,
and taught me a lot. He was so sensuous and tactile. Our working rela-
tionship evolved into a wild romance. We smoked pot together and made
 WANDERLUST WHILE THEY WORK 75

mad, passionate love. Sex with Alex was erotic, spontaneous, and exciting;
every fiber of mine was alive. I wasn’t depressed anymore, but I became a
pothead. Slowly I deteriorated, and couldn’t think straight.”
“Are you still doing pot?” I asked.
“No.” She did not offer any more.
“How’d you stop?” I was curious.
“My husband Tom came to my rescue and got me into a fancy rehab. I
was cured, but Tom found out about the affair. He was understanding and
forgave me. I still wasn’t happy, so I divorced Tom to find a more exciting
life with romance.” She looked sad.
“And Alex?” I wondered what had happened to her heartthrob.
“I wasn’t smoking pot anymore and he was still smoking. Who needs a
pothead? He was really a loser.” She condemned her playmate.
So, Tom cleaned up her messes like I did when she threw up; and she
bifurcated her desires. Alicia imbued her lover with sexual desire, excitement,
and novelty, and her husband with anti-erotic, dull familiarity. She doesn’t
see that by breaking down into depression or drugs, she had constructed
her marriage as a recovery center. Her extramarital affair became her
risky caper.
“In your marriage you enlisted a devoted, sober caretaker cleaning up
your messes, and in your affair you enlisted a sexy, stoned lover. Comfort
and safety were reserved for the marriage, and risky adventure for your affair.
Do you think you may have unwittingly set it up that way?” I tried to direct
the dialogue to her inner motivations.
“No, that’s not it. It’s just that they’re both opposite. Tom’s boring and
banal, whereas Alex is exciting and off-beat.” She was not having any of
my interpretations yet.
“I’m sure there’s something to that, but we often orchestrate a marriage
where we degrade romance and passion. Perhaps your breakdowns had some-
thing to do with Tom’s role as a devoted caregiver. I guess his caregiver role
wasn’t sexy or fun for you.” I stayed with it, trying to show her that it was
not really the men who were different, but the situations that she created.
“A devoted old fogy accountant sure isn’t sexy. Anyhow, I was too sick
for sex.” She stuck to her guns.
Was she afraid to give credence to me, lest she depend on me? Will she
dampen me down, so I become her dull caretaker, cleaning up her messes?
She pretty well did that tonight, and I colluded.
“I notice that like Tom, I too clean up your mess. Will I become a dull,
old fogy?” I threw out the bait.
76 DARING WIVES

“You’re nothing like Tom.” She wasn’t taking the bait. Did she fear
I’d reel her in?
“Are there any similarities with the other husbands?” I was curious to see
whether my hypothesis of a pattern would be supported.
She spoke quietly. “They’re all different. In my second marriage, my
husband Raphael was a professional gambler. Unlike Tom the dull accoun-
tant, Raphael was exciting and risky. I loved his sense of adventure. He
made me laugh, and we had fun till the kids were born. After birthing, I
sunk into a heavy postpartum depression. I couldn’t care for the kids, so
Raphael had to, but he called me lazy and kept insulting me. So he changed.
Instead of the carefree boyish charm, I saw a critical, controlling man, just
like my father. Raphael no longer turned me on. The anti-depressant meds
didn’t help my sexual libido either. I wasn’t feeling sexy any more. Romance
had faded.”
“That’s sad,” I empathized.
“Yeah, but I didn’t give up. I live for romance, for passion. So if I
couldn’t get it at home, I figured I’d go back to work. Then I met a sexy
illustrator, and I cheated again. I’m not proud of it, but I did. Only this
time my husband didn’t forgive me. Raphael was humiliated, enraged, and
pleaded poverty. His gambling winnings didn’t show up on tax returns,
so I had no way of proving his ability to support us. He fled to South
America, and I got a divorce.” Tears rolled down her cheeks, streaking
her makeup.
“That must’ve been tough,” I commiserated.
“It sure was. I couldn’t cope; I broke down and was hospitalized again.
That’s where I met my third husband, Patrick. He was visiting his ailing
mother, and I could see how steady and good he was to her. A social worker,
Patrick knew how to empathize with me. He came to visit me daily. When
I was discharged, Patrick professed his love and promised to take care of my
kids and me. I needed him; he was so responsible, not like Raphael. I knew
him for two months before we got married.” She wiped her tears only to
begin crying again.
“I guess that didn’t end well either,” I suggested.
“No, I got better, but I felt trapped and lonely in my marriage. Patrick
worked late hours and I felt neglected. He came home tired and fell asleep
on the sofa. He was definitely not sexy or fun. I also worked but I was rar-
ing to go.” She waxed ecstatic. “At work there was this young trainee. He
was my boy-toy. Wow, what sex! This loveless marriage only lasted six
months, more like a long date. But my boy-toy—what passion, what sex!”
“So the pattern’s the same. You have security and devotion at home, and
adventure and sex at work,” I interpreted.
 WANDERLUST WHILE THEY WORK 77

“But, I want it all—comfort and caring and excitement and fun, but I
don’t think you can have it all in marriage,” she responded regretfully.
“Why not want it all?” I asked.
“I don’t know, only I’ve never had it all. Actually, with my fourth
husband, I almost had it all, but that didn’t work out either. I’m on my
fifth husband, and things don’t change.” She despaired as she took stock of
her dismal failures.
“So you keep changing men, but things stay the same. We can’t change
things by changing situations; we only carry over our old selves from place
to place. It’s not the situation that has to be changed, it’s you.” I was
brutally frank.
“Yah, it’s me all right. I don’t know who I am anymore,” Alicia wailed.
I dared to be candid, and she dared to take responsibility. Alicia was on her
way to greater definition and meaning.
Alicia wandered in and out of marriages like women wander in and out
of stores window-shopping. She did not really try the marriages on for size;
she never gave them a chance. In her serial marriages, Alicia followed suit—
same cloth, new color. Her enigmatic charm and wild side attracted stable,
dependable men. If they were not so steady and reliable, she coerced them
into these dull caretaker roles. By falling apart, Alicia elicited their reliable,
caretaker sides, or their controlling, critical sides. Neither scenario was sexy.
Degrading passionate and erotic romance in the marriage, she felt compelled
to fulfill her desires elsewhere.
Did she fear intimacy? Indeed, she did—big time. Alicia became dependent
on her husbands for sustenance during her illnesses. What she failed to see was
her fear of dependency on only one man for real love and romance. The
poles of sexual desire and devotional love in one rod spelled danger for
Alicia. The rod may be fragile; it could break and she would lose everything.
She broke instead. Alicia constructed devotional love while diminishing
romantic passion in marriage. Like many healthy all-American women, she
did not want to settle, and so she sought outside help in the workplace.
Like many all-American men, her coworkers were available for fun and
games.
In examining Alicia’s family background, we saw how her parents con-
structed a marriage without romance and passion. Early in the marriage, her
mother, a glamorous runway model, was the darling of her father’s desires.
Alicia recalled her young mother as playful, quick-witted, stylish, and unpre-
dictable. She remembered her engineer father as an earnest, reliable, serious,
but old-fashioned man. Theirs was a storybook marriage—at first, anyhow.
Over time, Alicia overheard their virulent fights. Her laconic father, in terse
and certain terms, always won, leaving her mother weeping and apologetic.
78 DARING WIVES

One day, when Alicia was ten years old, she overheard her mother’s hushed
and seductive voice on the phone to a man. A precocious child, Alicia
guessed her mother was having an affair. Her mother swore Alicia to secrecy
about the clandestine relationship. Alicia’s mother went on to complain about
her rigid, dull husband, and how he could not satisfy her sexually or emo-
tionally. Honored by this grown-up intimacy, Alicia felt closely bonded to
her mother. She dreamed of them together, in high heels and sophisticated
clothes, listening to jazz in swank nightclubs.
By her mother’s inappropriate confidentiality with her young daughter,
she reversed the roles. At an early age, Alicia took the maternal role and
advised her mother, whereas her mother became the child. Her mother
cried on young Alicia’s shoulders, looking to her for support and comfort.
Aging runway models were not in vogue, and her mother’s career was
truncated. Her suave looks lost their luster and she lost her verve.
Developing diabetes, Alicia’s mother deteriorated and became dependent
on her father. They now slept in separate rooms, and Alicia no longer saw
signs of desire or romance. Instead she heard her father boss her mother
around, and her weak dispirited mother submit to his demands.
Alicia’s adolescence was fraught with turmoil and trouble. Her passion
for sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll in her turbulent teens was, partly, a reflection of
the sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies. Another factor that fueled
her wild and willful teen years was an unconscious wish to keep her parents
together. She created a lot of messes for her parents to clean up. Her mis-
behavior gave them a common goal—to straighten Alicia out.
Alicia tested her father’s moral values. Her father condemned her display
of sexuality, and her mother chimed in, scolding Alicia with, “You’re asking
for it. You’re a tramp.” It seems her father could not handle his erotic feelings
toward his daughter, so he disparaged her emerging sexuality. Alicia’s mother
envied her youth and sexuality, and so she demeaned her daughter.
With her extramarital affairs, Alicia maintained her close childhood bond
to her charismatic mother. She also identified with her mother’s sense of
adventure; her risky behavior; and her choice of safe, reliable husbands.
Disdaining her father’s stodgy, controlling ways, she rejected all of him,
including his steady, reliable parts. She threw out the baby with the bathwater.
Without internalizing the tools for maturity from a secure, consistent parent,
Alicia was catapulted into pseudo-maturity. She fantasized a wonderland
where wishes came true—a strong stable prince who was also romantic
and passionate.
Alicia’s desires for extramarital affairs had multiple meanings. She identified
with her mother in her height of intense passion and in her decline of abject
dependency. But she wanted more than her mother had gotten. Without a
 WANDERLUST WHILE THEY WORK 79

parental model of real love, Alicia did not have faith in marriage. Why then
did she keep remarrying? Alicia would say she liked being married, as she
identified with her father’s strict moral values. She did not believe in living
with a guy. Would you believe that? Well, she believed it. I believe she was
trying to get it right, was more daring than most, and in her way, was more
persistent and hopeful.
Once we understood the connections to her family, Alicia began to see
her true self better, her influences, and her choices. At sixty-five, she still had
a lot of growing up to do. One of her goals was to find security, stability,
and dependability within herself, so she would not be so dependent on a
man for sustenance.
In time, her moods began to stabilize; her depression became less severe
and manageable. Alicia also learned to think before she acted and to react
in a less-impulsive manner. She dyed her hair back to its natural dark blonde,
but her wardrobe remained funky. No retiring shy flower, Alicia held on
to her alluring, elusive side; only now, she reached for a steady anchor
within herself. Alicia was on her way to command of her inner self—the
key to relating in a deep, meaningful way.
Feeling on more solid ground, she found that wandering was now a waste.
Her bright, colorful desires, now more variegated, revealed undertones of
gray. A consistent, committed marriage with spontaneity and sex presented
a challenge. With greater insight into her desires for extramarital affairs,
Alicia dared to face the challenge of her failing marriage. She relinquished
her lover Tony and entered marital therapy with Ernesto.
Her fear of dependency on a man stemmed from her mother’s abject
dependency on her father. Clarification of how she degraded romance in
marriages helped her to take responsibility. When Alicia assumed greater
sober, mature responsibility, Ernesto’s colorful, sensuous qualities began to
play out in the relationship. Marital therapy helped the couple realign their
patterns of behavior so differences and similarities could cohabit. Ernesto
learned about how he colluded in this dead dance of degraded romance.
Together they are working on constructing a marriage where romance and
love can coexist and endure.
You may be thinking that Alicia is an anomaly, that she had seri-
ous problems that precluded intimacy. You may not ricochet like Alicia;
instead you may be bound by commitment to a long-term dead mar-
riage. Nevertheless, we all have our ghosts that come out to haunt us in
marriage.
Marriage is not a miracle; it takes insight, work, and more work. Trans-
forming these ghosts to ancestors with whom we can live is one goal of
healthy relationships. Another goal is close scrutiny of self-defeating patterns
80 DARING WIVES

in which you and your partner participate. You may well find that you can
reconstruct a marriage in which romance lasts.
Whereas Alicia was influenced by a culture of sexual permissiveness in
her youth, young wives today have other cultural influences. Inspired by
second wave feminists, a new brand of bold young feminist wives has stepped
onto the scene. In contrast, some young wives today continue to hold onto
traditional marital roles. But their idea of marriage is updated. Notwithstand-
ing cultural influences, ancestral ghosts also haunt many young wives today.
Their mothers, grandmothers, and great grandmothers have left legacies,
some of which they love and some of which they hate. In the following
chapter I will examine the dilemmas of young daring wives and their desires
for extramarital affairs.
6
Young and Restless
THE WORLD’S THEIR OYSTER

Love is or it ain’t. Thin love is no love at all.

—Toni Morrison1

Toughness doesn’t have to come in a pinstripe suit.

—Senator Dianne Feinstein, D–Ca

NOT FOLLOWING IN MOTHER’S FOOTSTEPS

Earlier in the book, I discussed the phenomenon of third wave feminism2—
young women proud to be called ballbusters or barracudas. Historically,
powerful and competitive women have threatened men. So women have
curbed these traits.3 Third wave feminists, however, compete openly with
each other, their mothers, and men. Yet, many want the feminine trappings
that second wave feminists dismantled. Unlike their mothers who rebelled
against objectification of their sexuality, third wave feminists embrace their
sexuality as symbols of power. They flaunt their sexuality as a powerful
expression of their desires. As such, they construct their selves as active subjects
of their own desires, and not passive subjects desired by someone else. They
may even compete with each other for a man.
These young, third wave feminist wives wear makeup; polished long
nails; skinny, sexy clothes; and a chip on their shoulders. They complain that
their parents shortchanged them. They feel their working moms deprived
them of a nurturing maternal figure. Often fathers were absent also. Hence,
both parents valued work ahead of them—or so they believe.
In the sixties and seventies, their parents’ marriages may have suffered
from newly defined roles. Historically, the breadwinner role concomitant
82 DARING WIVES

with power and autonomy has been assumed by husbands. In turn, wives’
roles as angels of the home4 rendered them passive and dependent. Not so
for many wives in the sixties. Their desires for equality and mutuality dis-
oriented many a husband. Indeed, negotiating changing roles takes several
generations. Marriages in the sixties were new at this shift in power, so that
discord and friction may have ripped some families apart. Romance and
passion may have diminished. Losing their luster, many marriages limped
along for “the sake of the children” or died in divorce courts. Such was the
legacy of second wave feminism for some children.
On the other hand, if their mothers were traditional housewives and de-
ferred to their husbands, young third wave feminist wives feel they were de-
prived of strong female role models. They perceived their mothers as sexless,
powerless, and pathetically dependent on powerful fathers. No matter the
love, attention, and encouragement from mothers, daughters are up in arms
about their mothers’ shortcomings. Third wave feminist wives complain that
their mothers are too intrusive or too distant, too home-oriented or too
career-oriented, too present or too absent. Mothers cannot win. Young third
wave feminists are determined not to become their mothers.5
Young wives desire commitment in marriage, children, and security along
with romance, passion, and sex. Separateness, autonomy, and power should
not preclude merger and sexual surrender. They desire reciprocity and equal-
ity in marriage. They want to sink their teeth into steamy, succulent, exotic
fare and still have their meat and potatoes. They want it all, and they go for
it. The world is their oyster.
It seems times are changing. But are they really? Have women changed
that much? Despite wishes not to follow in mother’s footsteps, are young
wives forging new paths? Not entirely. Wishing does not make it
so. Cultural and personal histories influence expression of desires. As
nurturers and caretakers, wives over the centuries have taken a backseat
to men.
A look at one of the major forces in second wave feminism sheds light
on a remarkable woman who maintained her traditional role as caregiver.
The feminist Gloria Steinem was a caregiver to her infirm mother and to
her progressive movement.6 This strong, optimistic woman who influenced
the world refrained from following in her mother’s frail, non-functioning
footsteps. In part, Steinem’s poignant personal history provided her with the
impetus to help change the consciousness of a world.
Despite the force of feminism, twenty-first-century young wives are only
one generation away from skewed gender power relations. One rosebud
does not make a rosebush. Growth may be strangled by unruly weeds or
starved by deficient sunshine, water, or rocky soil. Prickly thorns may make
 YOUNG AND RESTLESS 83

pruning difficult. Indeed, family histories may not have provided a fertile
ground or solid gardening tools.
If not firmly rooted, when romance fades a young wife may grow restless
and reckless. In the next case study, meet a young wife—like many of
us—who found that her marriage bed was not made of roses. Like many
of us, she searched for a bed of roses in another man’s bed.
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
“I must talk to you. You come highly recommended, and I need expert
help. I saw you at the library. I’m the one who lost her library card; you
were standing behind me. We smiled and I felt a connection right away.
Do you remember me?” A familiar, soft voice was reaching out to me.
Do I remember her? How could anyone not remember her? Skin-tight jeans,
glitzy belt, and spike heels—racy and raring to go—in our conservative,
laid-back library! It seems Mary desperately wants to connect with me. She was
flustered then, and it sounds like she’s flustered now; and she’s flattering
me. I wonder what this says about her relationship with women, with
her mother.
“Yes, I remember you. How can I help?” I asked.
“I’m strong, so this is not like me. I don’t know what to do. I’m desper-
ate.” Her quiet voice took on intensity—the dark intensity of despair.
I gave her the first open appointment available. She arrived fifteen minutes
late. Annoying, yes, but she also gave me time to drink in the fragrance
of lilacs wafting through the window. Spring was here! When I was a child,
Canadian spring promised carefree, lazy summer days in the Laurentian
Mountains, where my parents rented a cottage. Her arrival brought my
reverie to a halt.
“You’re late,” I noted.
“I almost canceled. I don’t think I can do this; there’s so much. It’ll take
a lifetime.” Mary looked hurriedly around the room.
“I see you scanning the room. Are you looking for a fire exit? Do you
expect things to heat up?” I joked in earnest.
“I’m told I’m too hot to handle.” She played along.
“Maybe we could explore that side of you. It could be exciting, even a
daring adventure,” I suggested in eager anticipation of a real relationship.
“Yeah, I’m daring and adventuresome, all right. I’m so daring, I’m having
an affair with Brett—the librarian. I hate myself for it. It’s a sin.” Tears
welled up in Mary’s hazel eyes as she condemned herself.
“Why’s it a sin?” I asked.
“It’s not the only sin. I had an abortion last week, and that’s a sin. And
it’s not the first one I had. This is my third abortion. Each time, I beat
84 DARING WIVES

myself up.” Her tears rolled down her smooth cheeks. Bejeweled, slim, long
fingers intertwined as she wrung her hands.
She’s revealing so much so soon. Unusual—what’s next? Is this a case
of loose boundaries, or desperation? Perhaps her despair’s about her “sin.”
This could turn out to be springtime of redemption and renewal.
“As human beings we aren’t perfect, and we make mistakes.” I tried to
comfort her.
“Well, I keep making mistakes. That’s the story of my life. Deep down,
I know Brett’s not for me, but I can’t give him up. He’s the reference
librarian, and he’s been helping me with my book. I heard you’re also writing
a book.” She made yet another connection to me.
I know Brett. He’s a pale, lanky, studious, tweedy fellow. He reminds
me of a Sunday school preacher. She wasn’t exactly decked out in her
Sunday best—more like her sexy best. Is she the teacher’s pet?
“What’s your book about?” I inquired.
“It’s about a Nigerian woman who leaves home and immigrates to this
country. It’s loosely based on my mother’s and my experiences. But lately, I can’t
focus on it. It’s impossible.” She brushed her curly dark hair off her face. Her
café au lait skin glistened in the sunshine streaming in through the window.
So she’s writing about her mother, and I’m feeling a warm glow. She may
be searching for a transformative mother figure. That may well be the
connection I’m feeling.
“So, you’re writing about your mother and you. It sounds like a worth-
while topic. When you’re feeling better, perhaps you can resume the writ-
ing.” In an attempt to offer hope, I suggested that she had something to
look forward to.
“I can’t imagine ever being able to focus or write again. This is disastrous.
My husband found out, and he’s leaving me. I don’t blame him, Brett
keeps calling the house, and when he doesn’t, I call him. We can’t stay away
from each other.” Mary leaned over to get a Kleenex, and her skin-tight
top and jeans separated. She tried to yank her top down to meet her jeans,
but it continued to ride up.
“It sounds like you’ve got a dilemma,” I commented.
She went on with her story. “It’s a dilemma all around. Brett’s married
too, and he promises to leave his wife, but doesn’t. He keeps breaking his
promises, and I’m losing respect for him. He’s a wimp. I should give him
up, but I can’t. I love him.”
 YOUNG AND RESTLESS 85

“Aside from breaking up two families, why else should you give him
up?” I inquired.
Her face contorted in anger. “Like I said, he’s not for me. He thinks
I’d get bored with him; maybe he’s right. But I want him to leave his wife.
I’ve got to win.”
I tried to clarify her actions. “So you’re competing with his wife.”
“I can’t believe he’d choose her over me. She’s old and dowdy.” Mary
ignored my interpretation and attacked her adversary.
I tried to add some reason and nuance. “Maybe it’s not about choosing
you, but choosing his marriage over an affair. He could also be consider-
ing other issues.”
“That’s what he says. He says he couldn’t afford me, and that I’d never
be happy with him in a two-room apartment.” She agreed and continued.
“I still want him to leave her. I have to win.” She pounded her fist in the air.
She’s not opening her mind to any other possibilities. Reasoning with
her isn’t working. What has reason got to do with emotion anyhow?
Rather than reasoning with her, I tried to flesh out her feelings. “If you
won, how would you feel?”
She shook her head defiantly. “I’d feel good. I love him and I’d get what
I want.”
“So winning’s a powerful feeling for you,” I interpreted.
“Of course, winning’s powerful.” She shot me a what-else? look.
“What about your two families? How do you feel about them?” I asked.
“I feel bad, guilty, terrible about my husband. Henry’s a good man, and
I care about him. I love him, but I’m not in love with him. I hate hurting
him. Brett’s wife’s another story. I hate her and I don’t care about her.”
Tenderness gave way to toughness as she spoke about the spouses.
“I understand winning is a powerful place, but this win comes with a lot
of losses. Perhaps we can find other ways for you to feel like a powerful
winner,” I suggested.
“Like how?” she asked.
“Like from within yourself rather than from outside of you. We would
explore your authentic self with your inner strivings. Before we go there, tell
me more about your personal history. Perhaps we can get some understand-
ing of your compelling need to win,” I proposed.
Over the next few months, Mary and I explored her childhood experi-
ences and made connections to her current dilemma. That took some effort.
Mary digressed from our exploration by obsessing about Brett. On a mis-
sion for him to leave his wife, Mary, the fierce fighter tried everything.
Obsessed with calling Brett’s wife and threatening to tell his children, she
86 DARING WIVES

stopped short of pulling the plug on his job at the library. The quiet, quaint
library would never tolerate a screaming scandal; it would be instant dismissal
for Brett. Interspersed with her current dilemma, Mary talked a lot about
her mother.
When Mary was two years old, her mother emigrated from Nigeria to
America. She left little Mary with her grandmother in Nigeria until she
could secure a job, a husband, and a home. Three years later, when Mary
was five, she rejoined her mother and her stepfather in America. Mary’s
fond memories of a warm, loving, kind grandmother flooded her. Separation
from her beloved grandmother proved to be a grievous loss. By age five,
Mary had endured two central losses.
Her grandmother told Mary that her biological father had died. But Mary
later found out that her parents had never been married, and her father
abandoned her pregnant mother before Mary was born. Her mother assured
Mary that she was a child born of a great love. Lamenting her lost love, her
mother described her father as sexy, smart, and exciting.
Mary suspected that her mother married her stepfather for security and
not for love. She saw no passion, desire, or outward expressions of romance
in their marriage. Mary’s stepfather was hardworking, earnest, and steady—
the exact opposite of her biological father.
A force to reckon with, Mary’s stalwart mother dominated her meek
husband. She badgered and intimidated him into doing her bid. One day,
Mary’s mother discovered that her husband was leaving them for another
woman. So he was not so meek after all. Mary loved her mild-mannered
stepfather, with whom she had established a warm, loving attachment. He
was the only father she knew.
At age ten, Mary suffered her third central loss. She held her mother
responsible for her stepfather’s abandonment of them. Mary believed her
mother was too aloof and controlling for any man. Rather than holding
her father responsible for his actions, she blamed her mother. Because moth-
ers become salient when fathers disappear, they often get dumped on by
children.
Mary’s mother, a tall, handsome, robust woman, was endowed with nu-
merous attributes, including a hair-trigger temper. While working days, she
attended night school and got her doctorate in sociology. Not able to give
Mary the attention she needed, she sent her to a private boarding school for
girls. Mary felt lonely and unwanted. She pleaded with her mother to come
home, but her staunch mother remained firm. Mary would get a good
education and go on to have a good life.
A second wave feminist, Mary’s mother joined the women’s liberation
movement and taught her daughter about feminism and racism. While Mary
 YOUNG AND RESTLESS 87

admired her mother’s accomplishments, she felt deprived of a nurturing,

warm, and affectionate mother. Mary longed for a close, cozy mother-
daughter relationship.
At an unconscious level, Mary transferred her wishes onto me, so that
I represented the mother she felt she missed. Our good working relationship
greatly facilitated the work.
Is her idealization feeding my narcissistic needs? I wonder what will happen
when her idealization of me comes to a halt. I may be toppled. Well, that
would be more grist for the mill.
But Mary surprised me—she stayed firm. She was intent on seeing me
in a reassuring, bright light, and her mother in a menacing, dark shadow.
So she split her mother figures into the all-good mother and the all-bad
mother. Much of her grumbles centered on her wish for a strong and present
father figure.
As to a strong father figure, Mary’s father figures were elusive—the van-
ished biological father, the divorced stepfather disappearing from her life,
and phantom would-be fathers whom mother dated. Mary blamed her
mother for these losses that deprived her of a permanent father—one of
her grievances. Another grievance was her mother’s accomplishments.
Mary placed the blame for her mother’s absence on her quest for achieve-
ment and power. By the same token, she respected her mother’s accomplish-
ments in the academic and literary worlds. No matter Mary’s intelligence
and sensitivity, she feared she could not compete with her awesome mother.
So, Mary—silently and not so silently—rebelled against her mother.
In childhood, Mary conformed to her powerful mother with stellar academic
achievements in grammar school and then in high school. But college was
another story. Influenced by her mother’s feminist teachings, she pursued third
wave feminist thought. There she explored her sexuality with men and with
other women. She knew she preferred men, but she also desired women. She
wanted it all. Her hunger for love fueled her sexual desires. She found men
and women who were only too happy to indulge her desire for a threesome.
What better way to satisfy her needs for a symbolic mother and father?
Mary began to cut classes and frequent bars, picking up willing sex partners.
Whereas her mother was intent on success, Mary was hellbent on failure.
Despite her intelligence, her truancy did her in. By dropping out of college
and going off to work as a bartender, Mary enraged her mother. Things
got so heated that her mother threatened to disown her. By the time Mary
was twenty-two years old, her rebellion was in full flower.
In her bartending job, Mary met various and sundry men and women.
One of the men whom Mary took up with was an ex-convict. When he
88 DARING WIVES

was arrested once again for dealing drugs, Mary dropped him. Pregnant with
his child, she decided on an abortion. Remorse and guilt about the abortion
overwhelmed her. Estranged from her mother, she felt alone, and sunk into
a deep depression.
Topless dancing gave Mary a high. On top of the bar, with men clamor-
ing for her body and filling her G-string with dollars, she was Queen of
the May. She described the feelings of power she felt as she rendered these
men powerless. In her quest to hold men captive by her sexy display, Mary
unconsciously competed with her mother, who could not hold onto a man.
She would outdo her mother in this arena and entice a lot of symbolic
fathers. She also competed with other women, as the men lusting for her
were often married. At an unconscious level, by ensnaring the forbidden
father, Mary competed with her mother.
She developed a cocaine habit and fell in love with her pusher Sam. He
was the owner of the bar, but not of his self. Another woman owned him.
Alas, Sam was married. What a challenge for Mary! Sam fell for Mary, and
together they made mad, passionate love.
In response to Mary’s repeated pleadings and threats to leave him, Sam
finally left his wife to live with Mary. She felt powerful in winning
Sam from his wife. But, as it turned out, her gain was merely a pyrrhic
victory. After a tumultuous year together, Sam announced that he was going
back to his wife and children. The affair ended with Mary once again
pregnant. She feared her cocaine abuse had harmed the fetus and so she
aborted it.
From the depths of despair, Mary found the courage to grow. Indeed,
sorrow is inevitable, but we need not drown in it. Mary’s guilt and disap-
pointment were excruciatingly painful. She tortured herself with self-blame.
Finally, she decided to turn a new page in her young history and to realign
with her mother.
Resuming a relationship with her prickly mother was stormy, but they
forgave each other and tried to move forward. Feeling overshadowed by
her mother, Mary struggled to find her own voice. She resumed her edu-
cation and earned a master’s degree in literature. Her burning desire to
write fiction was supported by her day job as a journalist. So she created
a balance between her idealistic desires and pragmatic considerations. Her
mother heartily approved of Mary’s goals, and finally Mary felt warm and
fuzzy feelings with her.
Mary married a sweet, reliable, financially secure man with his own
plumbing business. She described him as warm, generous, and handsome,
but a simple, black-and-white thinker. He did not understand her needs,
nor did he recognize her as an intellectual, emotionally complex woman.
 YOUNG AND RESTLESS 89

He viewed Mary as a good wife and mother—nothing more. Mary com-

plied by leaving her job to be a stay-at-home mother and lavishing her
love and caring on her two children. Distancing herself from her ambitious
mother, Mary put her family’s needs ahead of hers.
She almost had it all—a secure marriage, a dependable husband, and a
promising career that was on hold. Yet she missed the excitement of her
former life, her adventures into the unknown, her risky behavior, and
her sexual prowess. At the ripe age of thirty-four, Mary wanted more.
Wishing to expand herself in a multitude of ways, she grew restless and
reckless. Throwing caution to the wind, she pursued Brett, the librarian,
relentlessly. She was ready to hurt her cherished children, the husband who
adored her, and Brett’s family, not to mention her mother.
With Brett, Mary was certain she could have it all. He was intellectual,
emotionally sensitive, savored nuance, and surprisingly sexy. While his attach-
ment to his wife enraged Mary, it was also a vehicle to compete with another
woman—her symbolic mother.
Once Mary gained greater clarity about herself, her hunger for love, and
her competition with and defiance of her mother, a cloud began to lift. She
tried to stay away from Brett in order to see whether he would volitionally
leave his wife. Unable to maintain her resolve, she continued to give him
ultimatums. Under the pressure, Brett broke and was hospitalized for mental
exhaustion. Under doctor’s orders, Brett refused to see Mary.
The last Mary heard was that Brett had reunited with his loyal wife, who
nurtured him back to health. Mary realized that Brett was not the strong
man that she envisioned. With increased self and other awareness, Mary
was able to mourn this loss with greater equanimity than the prior losses.
Forgiving herself for the pain she caused others was a long, anguishing
journey. Out of this morass of agonizing feelings, Mary forged herself a
stronger and more centered woman. She was on a path of renewal.
Mary did not reunite with her husband Henry. She wanted a fresh start
with a more suitable man, but she was not desperate. She felt a burning de-
sire for fulfillment professionally, and so she resumed her writing. Her charac-
ters had greater dimension, with a strong underlying feminist voice. Her
relationship with her mother took a more cooperative and less competitive
turn. Instead of rejecting her mother’s help as she had in the past, Mary
accepted her offer for an introduction to a publisher. Her proposal for a
semi-biographical novel was under consideration.
To her surprise, Mary’s mother doted on her grandchildren. Mary won-
dered if her mother had really changed. Her mother might have been
feeling guilty about her less-than-optimal parenting with Mary. She might
have been trying to repair herself through her grandchildren. Whatever her
90 DARING WIVES

mother’s motivations, Mary could finally provide her with a second chance
for both of them. Her mother would not live forever, so time was of the
essence. A more loving relationship was in the offing, perhaps the penulti-
mate chapter in her book.
In the above story, we met a young and restless wife who wanted it all.
Determined not to follow in her mother’s footsteps, she faltered and fell flat
on her face. In her desperate attempt to defy her mother, she remained
inextricably bound to her. Indeed, we are just as attached in hate as we are
in love, in defiance as in compliance, and in envy as in gratitude.
Mary split her world into binaries of good and bad mothers, good and
bad men, and good and bad self-states. Unable to tolerate the ambiguity of
two coexisting feelings, she failed to experience nuance and complexity in
her interpersonal relationships. Not only were nuance and complexity es-
sential for her personal life, they were essential for her work as a fiction
writer. Our work together focused on her fears of uncertainty and ambi-
guity that facilitated the quest for her true self. Not until we find our inner
selves—our autonomous and independent selves—can we find fulfillment
and meaning in love and work.
It takes an enlightened path to arrive at real love, with emotional, intellec-
tual, and sexual reciprocity. The path, however, may be overgrown with
wild weeds and fallen branches. The way must first be cleared of old hurts,
mistakes, regrets, despair, and excruciating guilt. While it is necessary to visit
the road traveled, we cannot stay there. Coming to terms with the past is
essential for us to move ahead and pave new paths. Moving ahead also
entails compassion and repair for those you hurt and for yourself. Spring is
then not far off.

MORAL VALUES A LA MODE

Second wave feminism was certainly a force to reckon with; however,
some wives in the sixties and seventies rejected feminism’s tenets and held
tight to traditional values. While their husbands gained power and success
as breadwinners in the outside world, housewives gained their pinnacle of
success at home, nurturing the next generation for success. The women’s
liberation movement that inspired masses of women to gain independence
threatened traditional housewives’ cozy, comfortable lives. Whereas many
wives of the sixties embraced the sexual revolution, the freedom, and the
self-exploration, other conventional wives declined these liberal values. They
chose to follow in their grandmothers’ shoes and raise their children with
conservative, moral values.
Traditional family values offered certainty in uncertain times, and safety
in the wake of the Cold War of the fifties and the Vietnam War of the
 YOUNG AND RESTLESS 91

sixties, and now the ever-menacing terrorist threat of the twenty-first century.
Raised with the steady assurance of continuity with the past and wisdom of
the ages, children of the sixties felt a sense of security. Conformity to the
status quo promised greater equanimity than the chaos of free choice. The wish
for protection by a powerful husband, however, reduced traditional wives
to dependent, submissive, self-sacrificing conformists. Housewives may have
lived vicariously through their husbands’ and children’s achievements. Such
was the legacy of the nineteenth century that persisted well into the
twentieth and twenty-first centuries.
Raised by traditional mothers, not all young wives today accept the
precepts of third wave feminism. Young wives caught up in the “moral
values,” consumer-driven culture often adhere to traditional, materialistic
lifestyles. But their interpretations and their mothers’ interpretations of
“moral values” differ somewhat.
Their mothers may have shrugged off their husbands’ dalliances with
a “boys will be boys” attitude. They may even have convinced themselves
that sex was more important to men than women. In effect, the sexual de-
sires of their conservative mothers were often restrained, while husbands’
sexual desires were indulged—the double standard. But as we know, wives
throughout the ages, even in prudish, traditional eras, dared to have extra-
marital affairs. Historically, society condemned wives’ extramarital affairs.
Not so for husbands; their affairs were condoned.
The influence of feminism has managed to filter into the consciousness
of even young, traditional wives of the twenty-first century. But they are
not all that comfortable with the double standard. Whereas they adhere to
the traditional splits in roles—provider husbands and stay-at-home wives—
they, nevertheless, want updated relationships. Unwilling to throw the baby
out with the bathwater, daughters admire their moms’ devotion; however,
they also impugn their martyr roles.
Young, traditional wives may hold conservative “moral values” close to
their hearts and still maintain liberal souls. Unlike their martyr mothers, they
want to be recognized, appreciated, and understood by their families. Instead
of a relationship of male domination and female submission, they may strug-
gle to construct a more equal power relationship.
Now, a modern traditional wife, no matter how she was raised, has feel-
ings like any other wife. Missing mutuality, equal power, and autonomy
in the marriage, she is torn between her upbringing and her desires. The
conflict clouds her feelings, and she may be tempted to step over the line
and fish in clearer waters. In the following story, meet just such a traditional
young wife.
92 DARING WIVES

Morally Modern Millie

I had been seeing Millie to help her with feelings of depression and anxiety
that began during her last pregnancy two years ago. Postpartum depression
is common, but depression during pregnancy is rare. Sudden hormonal
changes after birthing are partly responsible for postpartum depression.
During pregnancy, however, hormones favor good moods. Millie’s ongoing
depression stemmed mainly from psychological factors.
Millie met Moshe in medical school, fell in love, and married. She dropped
out of school to go to work and pay for Moshe’s education. Millie sacri-
ficed her career for Moshe and opted to have babies. She achieved the
feminine status of motherhood, and he achieved the masculine status of a
successful gynecologist. At the time, however, Millie did not believe her
decision was a sacrifice. She told herself that motherhood was the highest
achievement of womanhood, and that she did not need to be a doctor.
Moshe was better suited for it. Over time, she began to regret her decision
and to resent Moshe.
Moshe had changed; initially they were both observant modern Orthodox
Jews, but Moshe had grown more religious, rigid, and closed-minded. On
the other hand, Millie had grown more liberal and open-minded. Their
changing core belief systems placed distance between them. Moshe’s person-
ality had also changed. Mary described him as full of himself, arrogant, and
controlling.
Their sex life suffered due to Moshe’s ultra-religious views of marital
sex. He believed that sex was only for procreation, not for pleasure. With
the exception of Millie’s fertile period, he expected them to practice
abstinence. Sex was stilted and desire suppressed. When they had sex,
Moshe refused to look at his wife’s naked body, and so the act was done in
the dark. During her infertile period of two weeks, Moshe barricaded him-
self from Millie with a board so they would not be tempted to have sex
for pleasure. Millie missed the spontaneity, the excitement, and romance in
the marriage. She hated how Moshe used her as a vessel to bear him
children.
Inwardly, Millie seethed with fury, but she did not fight back. By turning
her rage inward, she complied with her Orthodox mother’s teachings and
kept the peace in the marriage. Enduring her ordeal in silent desperation,
Millie compromised her peace of mind. Like her religious mother, grand-
mother, and great-grandmother, Millie assumed the role of the all-suffering,
subservient, pious wife—to a point.
Millie refused to wear a wig, and unbeknownst to Moshe, went on birth
control pills after the birth of her last baby. She had two little children and
 YOUNG AND RESTLESS 93

felt a third was too much. In a passive-aggressive way, she defied God’s will
and her godlike husband. That was only for starters. There was much more
to her story of woe.
“I feel so terrible today. Moshe wants a divorce from me because he
thinks I’m not fertile enough. He has no idea that I’m on the Pill. That’s
funny, because he’s a gynecologist and thinks he knows everything.” Millie
seemed less despondent.
“So, you’re outsmarting him at his game,” I suggested.
She sobbed. “It’s not working. I don’t want a divorce. My kids would
be left with the scars from a broken home. I can’t do this to them, but I
don’t want more children.”
“Any other reasons you don’t want the divorce?” I tried to bring some
more light to her darkness.
“My babies are young, and I’d have to go back to work and leave them.
I love being a mother. I guess I’m like my mother that way. Her life
was her kids. I can’t hurt them.” The pain in her eyes showed as she
slouched forward.
I remember all too well the pain I felt after my divorce. Seeing my little
boy cry as I left him with a nanny to go to work is as heartrending today
as it was some twenty-five years ago. Unlike religious Millie, I’m a secular
woman. Indeed motherhood—a mark of femininity—crosses religious,
ethnic, and racial lines.
“So a great part of your identity centers on motherhood, as it does for
many women.” I empathized with her pain.
“I think it’s harder for me because of the example my mother set for me.
She was a Supermom, religious, and some balabusta (mistress of the home
par excellence). My mom has eight children and twenty-three grandchildren.
And she caters to each and every one of them. When they come over she
prepares each one their favorite dish. Can you believe that?” Her freckled
fair skin turned a light shade of pink.
“Did she have help?” I was curious. Her mother brought back memories
of my martyr mother.
“No way. Mom does everything herself. She refuses help, gets exhausted,
and lands up in bed for the rest of the week crying about how hard her
life is. My mom’s a martyr.” Sitting up straight, Millie tossed her reddish-
brown hair back and straightened her long, flowing dress. The sheer printed
frock subtly revealed the curves in her voluptuous body. Full-breasted and
broad-hipped, there was no way she could hide her sexuality. Maybe at
some level Millie did not want to.
I smiled. “Something tells me you don’t want to be a martyr.”
94 DARING WIVES

“I want to be like Mom in some ways, but I’m tired of being a martyr
and letting Moshe push me around. He thinks he’s God, and that I should
worship him. I won’t do that anymore.” Her face flushed a bright shade of
red. Her anger suited her; she looked vibrant.
I interpreted her conflict. “I see good energy. I think you desire to reclaim
your authentic self and gain Moshe’s recognition of you as a separate person
from him. Given your background, you are conflicted between your tradi-
tional values and your emerging desires for autonomy.”
“I’m a modern wife and I want an equal power relationship. At the uni-
versity, I met people from all over the world, with diverse belief systems. I
read about feminism and opened my mind to liberal ideas. What an enlight-
ening time for me!” Sheer delight emanated as Millie drew a deep breath
and exhaled. I wondered if this pleasure was just too much for her.
“I notice you delighted in expanding yourself,” I commented.
“I sure loved that life, and I miss it. But then, there are my kids. It’s
confusing, because I was raised with conservative values, and I’m drawn to
liberal ideas.” Her conflict quickly dampened her delight.
I clarified her discordant feelings. “So you’re stuck. You feel trapped in
this unsatisfactory marriage, yet you resist getting out. You feel you’ll hurt
your kids if you get out, and if you stay you’re killing yourself.”
“I’m not exactly dying in this marriage,” she responded coyly.
I punched home my points. “You’re not? It sounds like Moshe squeezed
the life out of the marriage: no romance, no mutuality, no recognition of
you as a separate person.”
“Yeah, all of that’s true, but there’s someone else who does give me all
those things, and more.” No blushing this time, as Millie’s daring side
was showing.
“Uh huh,” I uttered.
“I’m having an affair. Would you believe it, a modern Orthodox Jewish
wife having an extramarital affair? In my religion, only men do that sort of
thing. I’d be stoned to death if Moshe’s religious High Hat friends heard
of this.” Pretty Millie was never prettier. She shone glorious in the sparkle
of her devilish, dangerous behavior.
“You look radiant. You’re defying the double standard that’s central to
ultra-Orthodox circles,” I commented on my observation.
“That’s only part of it. I’m in love with Aaron. We were high school
sweethearts, but my parents wouldn’t let me marry him. Aaron was a secular
Jew, and he wanted to go to film school. My parents disapproved as he was
not religious, nor did they think he’d make a good living for me. They wanted
me to marry a rich doctor, so of course, Moshe was a good catch,” she explained.
“Do they know about your marital problems?” I asked.
 YOUNG AND RESTLESS 95

“No, I don’t want to disturb them. They’re not kids anymore.”

Her consideration and devotion to them was considerable, but once again
she was losing sight of her needs. She’s not so different from many of us.
“You said they weren’t kids anymore. You’ve got a point there. They’re older
and maybe wiser, so they may surprise you and empathize with your plight.
Who knows? Maybe they would support your needs,” I suggested.
In my experience, when their children have marital problems, loving
parents side with their children and not their spouses. Of course, that pre-
supposes loving parents. Millie’s recollection of warm, loving, and devoted
parents bolstered my confidence in making this suggestion.
Millie responded calmly. “I guess no one else knows about my affair.
It’s not something you discuss with friends or family. But I’ll think about
disclosing it to my family.”
The aim of some of the following sessions was to mobilize Millie’s inner
strength so that she could break the impasse she had constructed. As Millie’s
and Moshe’s differences were irreconcilable, work on the marriage was
not an option for her. Not only would she be cheating herself out of a rich
life with romance, love, and free expression of sexual desire, she would be
cheating Moshe out of a marriage with a more suitable partner.
In time, she could recognize that in her despair she could not fulfill her
maternal role. No matter what she did for her children, her tumultuous state
of mind intruded on their development. Indeed, it is not what you do for
your children, it is who you are that counts. Aaron wanted some answers
also, and she felt she was not fair to him either. Stuck in an unsatisfactory
marriage, Aaron wanted to divorce his wife and marry Millie.
Pressure mounted, and she felt hard-pressed to make some decisions. A
dream brought some clarity to her. Millie dreamed of an angel in dark clothes
sitting on her right shoulder. On her left shoulder a light green leaf held
a tiny baby. She romped through a thriving field of clover, and bent down
to pick a wild flower. In the background a high mountain rose. She tried
to climb over the mountain, but could not. The baby was now a grown
woman, and she teamed up with the angel, now golden, to help Millie over
the mountain.
Millie sorted out some of the symbolism, and together we mined some
meaning. The dark angel was her guilty conscious that she transformed to
a golden angel who helped her to surmount the obstacles. Millie understood
that she was the creator of her dream, and so the mountain was her creation.
If she constructed obstacles to her progress, she could also demolish them.
The tiny baby symbolized her infantile state, from which she grew to
become a powerful woman. We thought I was the field of clover, the fertile
96 DARING WIVES

ground that she used to nourish herself. As to the wild flower, I will let
you guess who that could symbolize. It might be a facet of Millie, someone
else, some other wild card, or all of the above.
After much continued deliberation, Millie decided to tell her parents. To
her surprise they supported her beyond her wildest dreams. They insisted
she move in with them, return to medical school, and obtain her degree.
Millie’s mother volunteered to babysit with her two children while she
went to school. Her father contacted his brother, a marital divorce lawyer,
who took on Millie’s divorce case pro bono. Millie promised to repay him
when she became a doctor. As to Aaron, she decided that breaking up one
family was all she could handle.
In the above story we saw how religious and cultural belief systems con-
flicted with the inner desires of a young, modern, traditional wife. Family
tradition handed down over the centuries is a formidable force, but so are
stirrings of the heart, body, and soul.
As to the concept of “moral values,” who is to judge what morality is
really about? It is decidedly not a pious, ultra-religious, domineering man
who dismisses his wife’s needs and desires in the name of God. This is merely
a distortion of God’s will. Moral values may reach out to understand the
plight of a frustrated wife who dares to fulfill her desires with an extramarital
affair. She is not immoral, but simply human. Such rigid, artificial values
have not satisfied sexual desire. In Millie’s case, we saw that her traditional
parents, who also believed in moral values, were filled to the brim with love
and tolerance. So, open-minded and unprejudiced moral values embody a
multitude of meanings.
In the above chapter, you met two types of young wives from opposite
lifestyles who made different choices. Numerous other young wives with
differing lifestyles make still other choices. Not only do young wives make
daring choices, but older wives do so also. Numerous older wives with
sacred, profane, and secret lives also make daring choices. One of these
choices for older wives may be an affair with a younger lover. Older wives
who choose younger lovers will adorn the pages of the following chapter.
7
Older and Bolder
UNDERCOVER WITH A YOUNGER LOVER

You’re never too old to become younger.

—Mae West

Sex is more fun than cars, but cars refuel quicker than men.
—Germaine Greer

WHAT’S AGE GOT TO DO WITH IT, ANYHOW?

A groundswell of Baby Boomers has come of age—middle age. In the next
two decades, 40 million women will experience menopause.1 Stereotypes
of midlife and sexually neutral older women with sensible shoes, short gray
hair, and shapeless bodies are a thing of the past.2 Baby Boomers, influenced
by second wave feminism, see aging in a different light. Older women today
glow with youthful, sexy, and vibrant hues. Sixty-eight-year-young ageless
beauty Jane Fonda, and sixty-something, sexy-legged, energetic Tina Turner
shine brilliantly.
Yet, the double standard persists. Older men loving younger women are
a given. Not so for older women. Older women loving younger men are seen
as robbing the cradle or harboring incestuous oedipal wishes. Needless to
say, older men are not denigrated with these unseemly labels.
Over the centuries women have strived for sexual equality. Popular writ-
ers claim that relationships between older women and younger men are
increasing rapidly. Perhaps older women are challenging the privilege of
aging men to love younger women. Older women may want to have the
same privilege as older men by challenging the patriarchal inequality between
the sexes.3
98 DARING WIVES

There are many other motivations for older women to love younger men.
Fantasies of a last chance for desires to be met go with the territory. With
greater experience and less time left, older wives may think, “What have I got
to lose?” Exploring their sexuality with a younger man, older women may
fulfill their fantasies before it is too late.
Older women and younger men are more sexually compatible. As
women get older, they get better. Sexual dysfunction affects aging men more
than aging women.4 Whereas men peak sexually in their teens and early
twenties, women’s sexual peak is the late thirties.5
Older wives may continue to have sexual desire, but in long-term mar-
riages, sexual desire could easily fizzle. Fading romance, diminished excite-
ment, and novelty dampen sexual desire for wives. Security, comfort, and
commitment without romance are the steak without the sizzle. To feel sexy,
wives need the sizzle.
Other age-related psychological issues interfere with sexual desire in
marriage. A woman who perceives herself as over the hill is not apt to
feel sexy. Our youth-oriented culture with superficial values impacts
older women. The media bombards us with youthful sexual images, from
belly-button-baring singers to Botox.6 So, how sexy can an older
woman feel?
At midlife and older, we face a crucial crossroads, with fear of growing
old and dying—existential angst.7 Fading youth raises a fearsome red
flag that signals aging and mortality. Fear negates sexual desire, so a wife
in the throes of an existential crisis may well think her sexual desires
are a thing of the past. She may believe that her flame has died. She may
desperately want her hubby to shore up her faltering sense of sexuality.
He may not, however, rise to the challenge. So what is an aging wife
to do? Among many choices, she could choose a young flame to light
her fire.
Aging parents heighten our anxieties, which affect marriage. Wives need
supportive, romantic, attentive husbands more than ever. Husbands are not
always receptive. They may be preoccupied with their own fears of aging,
financial worries, or health issues. Along comes a carefree, smitten, robust
young Romeo. Now, how can an aging Juliet resist him?
Older wives and younger lovers are not exactly an invention of the
twenty-first century. Earlier in the book I wrote about the practice of
courtly love way back in the fourteenth century. At that time older noble
wives had extramarital affairs with young troubadour lovers. Elizabeth I of
England and Catherine the Great of Russia had young companions and
lovers as they aged.8 So did Gabrielle in the TV series Desperate Housewives
and Diane Lane in the movie Unfaithful.
 OLDER AND BOLDER 99

By engaging in extramarital affairs, aging wives over the millennia have

defied the double discrimination of ageism and sexism. When faltering mar-
riages or frightening existential issues encroach, older wives today may also
find solace with younger lovers. Unwittingly, they are also defying the double
discrimination of ageism and sexism. In the following story, meet just such
a daring older wife.

Lighting Farrah’s Fire

Farrah was married to Liam for thirty-eight years. They enjoyed a solid
marriage with three lovely children, the comforts of a sprawling suburban
home, and a pied-à-terre in the city. Nevertheless, passion had faded. Farrah
had reached the ripe age of sixty-four, but felt something vital to her had
died. In therapy, she was trying to figure out whether the flame inside of
her had died, or whether the flame inside the marriage had died.
Farrah and Liam had met in the sixties at the height of second wave
feminism. Farrah was active in the women’s liberation movement, and Liam
was a sympathizer. Early in the marriage they experimented with an open
marriage—other sexual partners—but found it did not work. Rather than
bringing them closer, jealousy and fierce fights only served to create distance.
The experience, however, did awaken the desire to keep excitement,
romance, novelty, and spice alive in the marriage. They worked on keeping
the flame alive within and between them.
Their lives were filled with the joy of children and satisfaction in their
careers. They also managed to find time to play and make love with each
other. Resolving differences was still troublesome, but they were working
on it. Their personality styles were at opposite ends of the pole. Farrah was
loose as a goose, and Liam was tight as a drum. They were working on
respecting each other’s needs and desires and recognizing each other as
separate but intertwined. Their goal was to enjoy a mature, intimate union
with love and desire. Farrah recalled thinking she was the luckiest girl alive
and that her marriage had been made in heaven. Alas, even heavenly mar-
riages meet with earthly obstacles.
As Farrah aged, unwanted and unexpected changes occurred. Sure, her
skin sagged, her back ached, and her memory missed a beat here and there,
but there was much more than that. Farrah’s elderly mother suffered a
stroke and was now living with Liam and her. While the lifelong bond
between Farrah and her mother was a loving, close one, now it was being
tested. Her infirm mother had grown cranky, clinging, and demanding.
Farrah’s siblings lived at considerable distances, and so she became the
appointed caretaker.
100 DARING WIVES

While Farrah assumed the responsibility of caring for her mother—

and she did so out of love and gratitude—she was buckling under the
stress and strain. Farrah stopped going to the gym and neglected her nu-
trition and her grooming. Sex was the last thing on her mind. Her flame
had died.
Turning to Liam for much-needed support and understanding met with
cold, unfeeling, pedantic lectures and criticism. Flexibility was never Liam’s
strong point, and now as he aged, he was more rigid and stubborn than
ever. He resented the intrusion of her ill mother into their marriage and the
burden it placed on his wife. His solution was a nursing home, but Farrah
just could not do that. Her mother had done so much for her, so this was
her time to give back. Her mother would have no part of anyone other
than Farrah.
Farrah longed for warmth and intimacy with Liam, but he was too furious
to make love to her. Liam’s excuses included the lack of privacy, his diminish-
ing sexual drive, and her unreasonable demands on him. His rejection and
criticism sent her faltering sense of sexuality and adequacy plummeting to a
new low. Tense and despairing, she cried at the drop of a hat.
I suggested marital therapy, but Farrah chose to work on herself instead.
She did not know whether she wanted the marriage. We both agreed she
was in no shape to make that decision now. The work was plodding, as
Farrah’s feeling of hopelessness blocked anything positive. My interven-
tions met with disdain, and we were clearly at an impasse. She felt inadequate,
like a failure, and so did I.
Suddenly, the dark cloud that hovered overhead for months gave way
to a ray of sunshine. In a canary-yellow sweatsuit, Farrah sauntered into
the room. The tall, stocky, matronly looking Farrah I thought I knew was
replaced by a willowy, curvaceous, and youthful one. The smile on her face
was outlined with a bright shade of lipstick. Her gray, stringy hair was
dyed a warm shade of auburn, with soft waves that framed her face. The
familiar slouched body was now on proud display. The transformation
was stunning!
I like to think I’m a keen observer. How has her weight loss escaped me?
I knew she hid her corpulent self from the world with a loose, sexless
wardrobe. Did she hide her diet plans from me? Is that why I didn’t notice
it? What else did she hide?
“You look great!” I exclaimed.
“I feel great. All the work we’ve been doing’s paying off. I want to thank
you for your patience. You’ve helped me so much,” Farrah compli-
mented me.
 OLDER AND BOLDER 101

From a help-rejecting complainer, she’s become gracious overnight! It’s not

making any sense. Something’s up. I like to think I’m good at what I
do, but not this good.
“How have I helped you?” I asked.
“I know I’ve been a pain in the you-know-what. Then I thought to
myself, if you could stand me, maybe someone else could. After all, Liam
couldn’t even tolerate my voice,” she explained.
“And, who’s this someone else?” I was curious.
“Josh, my mother’s speech therapist, has come into my life.” She beamed.
Her dark eyes shone as she disclosed her daring secret.
“How’s he come into your life?” It was like pulling teeth. She wasn’t
giving me the scoop so easily.
“I’m having an affair with him,” she declared and leaned forward eagerly.
“So, what’s that like?” I could see she was itching to tell me.
“It’s wonderful. Josh is wonderful, and I feel wonderful.” She swooned,
like the bobbysoxers of our youth.
She’s hitting all the bases with three wonderfuls in a row. Where’s she
heading? To home base, or is this only a first base soon to be struck out?
“Tell me about Mr. Wonderful,” I suggested.
“I thought you’d never ask. Josh is nineteen years younger than me, but
who’s counting? He’s smart, sensitive, romantic, and so attentive. He hangs
on every word that I utter, and we really communicate. He’s warm and
understanding; not like Liam, who’s cold and critical. He loves my sophistica-
tion and wisdom. He’s no fool either, so a compliment from him is really
great. And is he a lover!” The sun shone in through the window, bathing
the room with a warm glow.
“So, he turns you on in a lot of ways. I see you’re not feeling low anymore,”
I commented.
“No, but I still have my moments. I love Liam and we’ve built a life
together. So, I sometimes have a hard time reconciling what I’m doing.” A
fleeting shadow swept over her countenance.
“I can understand that.” I empathized with her. When in a long-term
marriage, an extramarital affair is bound to bring excitement, but also dis-
tressful, conflicted feelings.
“I don’t really understand it. I feel so alive, young, and vibrant with Josh.
I thought my sexual desire was kaput, but not so. Josh lights my fire, whereas
Liam snuffs it out. I desire Josh, and he desires me,” she explained, trying
to make sense of things, to gain clarity of her muddle.
“So now you know the fire inside of you is burning brightly, but the
fire in the marriage is dying.” I reiterated her thoughts.
102 DARING WIVES

“I feel so sad when you say that. I don’t want to end the marriage.
Liam and I have a lifetime of memories, children, and two homes. I’m
not ready to give up on Liam, but I’m not ready to let go of Josh. I need
Josh now. He helps me to cope with Mom, and I feel he really cares about
us. Liam only cares about himself.” She kept trying to find answers to
her conflict.
I guess she wants both worlds: the best of the marriage and the best of the
extramarital affair. Who doesn’t fantasize about this delightful infantile
duo? Infantile wishes are the foundation of creativity, but when enacted in
marriage, they shake the foundation of the relationship.
“Ah, wouldn’t it be divine to engage in the two worlds of an extramarital
affair and a marriage unfettered by doubt or guilt?” I shared my musings.
Farrah turned the discussion back to Liam-bashing. “I guess I’m not one
of these people. I can’t have an affair and a marriage without doubt or guilt.
I feel like a heel. But there are so many things about Liam I can’t stand.
Like I said, he’s so self-centered.”
“Has Liam always been self-centered?” I asked.
“Ever since he retired, he’s gotten old and self-centered. He’s a hypochon-
driac, always complaining about himself.” She looked perturbed.
“How do you feel about getting older?” I asked.
“I hate it.” She was clear on that.
“It sounds like you and Liam are both plagued with existential issues,
fears of getting older, and your mortality. Rather than getting closer as you
age, you’re pushing each other farther away. His self-involvement and lack
of empathy are how he deals with it. Your affair with a younger man is
how you deal with it. Both of you are placing wedges between you, eroding
romance, desire, and passion,” I interpreted.
“I guess I got my answer. The flame in the marriage died, and all that’s left
is ashes.” Tears flooded her eyes.
“Perhaps you can construct something meaningful from the ashes,” I sug-
gested.
“That’s a lot to consider. I’m so attracted to Josh.” She was receptive,
but tentative.
“And this did not happen overnight, so it won’t be resolved overnight,” I
explained.
In the subsequent sessions we worked on Farrah’s feelings of inadequacy
and her fears of her fading youth. Her mother’s aging and illness were stark
reminders of her mortality. Farrah began to see that escape with a younger
man was a tempting option, but not a prudent solution. While it was
heady, her affair also disoriented her. Coming to terms with her aging and
 OLDER AND BOLDER 103

focusing on her gains rather than her losses helped her to regain her
equilibrium.
Facing her mortality could have undone her, but Farrah was determined
to find a way out of her quagmire. I emphasized that coming face to face
with our mortality presents us with an urgent cry to live fully, with meaning
and love.9 With less time to live, every moment was precious, so she would
have to go for it. She dared to do just that.
Ending the affair with Josh took a lot of willpower. Bolstered by her
burgeoning sense of self, she summoned up her courage and told Josh it was
over. As usual, Josh understood her feelings, and wished her well. They
decided a new speech therapist for her mother was in order, and this time,
Farrah found a mature woman. She was not taking chances. Then Farrah
decided she wanted to work on the marriage.
Farrah and Liam are in marital therapy, where we are dealing with their
existential issues. Liam’s feelings of inadequacy after retirement are not
uncommon for men. He is looking at how his feelings of worthlessness were
projected onto Farrah. Farrah is also looking at how she placed her mother’s
welfare ahead of the marriage. Rather than dumping on Farrah, Liam is
looking for new ways to build his self-esteem, and Farrah is, too.
Not so long ago, they enjoyed a lively romantic and erotic sex life together.
Seeing as they had a really full love before, their past good experience pro-
vided a platform for future good experience. Reclaiming the old passion is
on the horizon. They are researching and practicing ways to relight their
fire. It may take longer to get it going, but slow-burning embers maintain
heat longer. The warm glow between them is promising.
In the above story you met an older and bolder wife with a set of existential
and marital issues. Farrah’s fear of aging was exacerbated by her aging,
infirm mother. Caring for an aging parent elicits strong feelings about our
own mortality.10 She reeled and reached out to Liam; however, he was
plagued with his own existential angst. His self-involvement, rigidity, and
fear of aging were issues that prompted his rejection of Farrah’s request
for empathy.
Although the marital system was in dire need of realignment, Farrah
chose to ignore the situation and do what many other older wives do in the
face of marital discord. She found a young, flexible, empathic lover—her
mother’s speech therapist. Not only was Josh good to talk to, but he embodied
other virtues. Miraculously, her flagging spirits and dying flame were
rekindled.
Alas, miracles are not everlasting, and her actions brought her back to
reality. Farrah was not able to carry on with both a lover and a husband.
So, she made a choice to work on the troubles in the marriage. Her extramarital
104 DARING WIVES

affair served a lot of masters, including her need to feel young, alive, and
sexy again. It also acted as a signal of trouble in the marriage.
In the next story, you will meet another older and bolder wife. At midlife,
she was struggling with an empty nest syndrome. Like Farrah, her husband
was part of the problem. Like Farrah, she found a younger man to fill
her in.

A Feather in Her Nest

A distraught male voice beseeched me. “Doc, you’ve got to see my wife.
I don’t know what’s come over her. She’s never been like this.”
“What’s ‘like this’?” I asked.
“She’s always been a homebody, and now she’s never home. She rolls
in at all hours of the night, reeking of cigarette smoke and liquor.” Enrique’s
voice trembled.
“Would you ask her to call me?” I suggested.
“I already did, and she said she didn’t need a shrink. What should I
do?” Panic resounded over the wires.
I responded to his anxiety. “You sound terribly anxious. Perhaps you
should come in.”
“Who wouldn’t be anxious? I don’t need help.” He was emphatic about
not needing any help.
“So we’re at an impasse,” I said. What else could I say?
“Okay, doc, I’ll see if I can talk some sense into her.” He seemed resolute
to keep the attention on her.

Sounds more like his child than his wife. I wonder if this is a macho man
or an overwrought husband. He’s going to talk sense into her! Whose
sense are we talking about—hers, his, or mine?

Two days later Enrique called back even more agitated.

“Doc, I found out she’s having an affair. I lost it and I hit her. It was
nothing, but she called the cops. They said it was a domestic problem, and
that we should go to counseling. So, she’s going to call you.” He sounded
strangely calm.
His story doesn’t seem to faze him at all. I guess he won his point. He
got her to come in to see me. Not hard to guess who’s got the power in
this marriage!

His wife Rosita did call and made an appointment to see me. She then
called back to change the date. It seemed she was hesitant to see me, which
is often the case when a child comes to therapy at the behest of a parent.
 OLDER AND BOLDER 105

“My husband wanted me to come in, so here I am,” Rosita announced.

Finely lined porcelain skin with delicate features stood out in sharp relief
against gray-streaked, dark, shoulder-length curls. Designer jeans, a jeweled
belt, and a pink skin-tight top adorned her petite frame.
“How do you feel about coming in?” I turned the dialogue to her.
“I was scared. But you seem warm, and I love your office. Mauve pink’s
my favorite color.” Her warm brown eyes met mine.
“What were you scared of ?” I asked.
“That you’d think I was disgusting.” She averted her gaze.
“Do you think you’re disgusting?” I asked.
“No, but my husband does. He called me every name in the book.
Then he threw me up against the wall. I hit my head on the bookshelf,
and had to go to the doctor the next day. The doctor said it was a
concussion. It hurt a lot, but I’m better now.” Tears welled up, but she
valiantly held on.
Concern turned to alarm. “How awful! Have you had these types of
fights before where he strikes you?”
“He broke my nose once, but that was my fault. I saw him throwing
the chair. I should’ve ducked.” She was losing ground on her attempts to
stay composed.
I spoke frankly. “It sounds like domestic violence and that your hus-
band’s the perpetrator. Yet, you’re blaming yourself.”
I’m appalled at this tale of woeful misplacement of blame. This aging,
diminutive, waif-like wife reminds me of a delicate damsel in distress. Will
my rescue fantasies obscure my judgment? I’ll have to watch for it.
“I provoke him. I’m lonely lately. I’m always begging him to be with
me. He calls me a nag and uses the C word. I hate that word. When I try
to stand up for myself he shoots me down, and we get into a rip-roaring
fight.” Her eyes deepened and shone brightly.
There’s more spirit here than meets the eye. I’ll try to help her harness
her strength, so that she’s a survivor and not a victim of domestic violence.
I began to interpret. “I’m glad you fight back, even if you back down.
You have inner strength that you’re not aware of. So, you submit and he
dominates you.”
Her soft voice neared a whisper. “He sure does. Enrique thinks he’s the
king and I’m his servant. He says I should kiss his feet for what he does for
me. He pays the bills, and when I ask, he gives me money to spend.”
“He gives you money when you ask?” I emphasized the inequity.
“He treats me like a child.” Rosita got it.
106 DARING WIVES

“How do you feel about that?” I wanted to hear her feelings about the
power differential in the marriage.
“I feel like a child. Maybe I am a child. I can’t stand being alone. Enrique
travels a lot, and I can’t stay in the empty house. So, I go out to the local
bar. He’s furious and says a decent wife shouldn’t be at bars. I don’t get it.
He’s always going to business trips, and who know what he does.” Her
voice was now more forceful.
“What do you think he does?” I asked.
“He probably cheats. He keeps accusing me of cheating, but I wasn’t—until
recently. I didn’t mean to. It’s not like I was looking. It just happened. Enrique
found out, and he’s threatening to divorce me. He doesn’t understand that
I’m lonely and that I need him. But he’s not there. I’ve been so depressed.
Then I met Claude.” She looked away dreamily.
“So, Claude’s helping your loneliness and depression. Aside from Enrique’s
travels, are there any other reasons for your recent loneliness?” I was curious
about whether any other midlife issues might have been at play.
“Overnight the kids grew up, and they’re all out of the house. The house
is empty and I feel empty inside. When they left, I thought, it’s just Enrique
and me, which could be a good thing. I thought it was our time now. But,
he’s got other ideas. He’s still busy building empires, so he can retire rich.”
She was more than disappointed.
“You’re disappointed,” I suggested.
“It’s not like we’re hurting financially, but money’s his god. Not mine;
love’s my god. Enrique says he loves me, but I don’t believe him. His words
are empty.” She looked sad and defeated.
“So, your nest is empty, and Enrique’s not helping you fill it in. He’s abusive.
His response to your needs is frightening.” I was clear about my position.
“I’m frightened, all right. Not so much about his physical attacks, but
I’m scared of being alone. If he leaves me, I’d be lost,” she whimpered in
a little-girl voice. The thought of abandonment filled her with terror.
Her pale skin and dark hair add to her Snow White appearance. Is Claude
her Prince Charming to the rescue? Does he fulfill her fantasies? That’s
one thing, but there are more pressing problems that require attention—
powerlessness, surviving domestic violence, fears of abandonment.
“Why would you be lost without an abusive man?” I inquired.
“Enrique always controlled me, but he wasn’t abusive till the kids left
home. I miss them so much,” she explained tearfully.
“So, things weren’t so bad until the nest was empty. How much of you
was invested in the children?” I wanted more.
 OLDER AND BOLDER 107

“All of me. Enrique’s a good dad, so we were both involved with the kids.
When the kids left, I told him ‘the best is yet to come.’ But, the worst came.
I began to cling to Enrique, and he became abusive to me.” Rosita explained
how the contract in the marriage had changed.
“It sounds like the focus of the marriage was the children, but not just
the two of you. And maybe you had other things you placed between you
two to keep a safe distance. Now that the children are gone, and it’s just
you two, the contract has been broken. You want more closeness, and
Enrique is rejecting you,” I interpreted.
“Enrique was never really emotionally or sexually attuned to me, but I
had my children, their activities, their school work, their hurts and joys, so
I was fulfilled. I knew I was missing something with Enrique, but I stayed
for the children.” She articulated her feelings.
“Are there any other reasons that you stayed?” I wanted more.
She looked down. “I’m financially dependent on Enrique.”
“I can understand that. If you could support yourself, would you still stay
with him?” I inquired.
“I don’t know. Claude is much younger than Enrique—actually, he’s four-
teen years young than me—but he’s a very successful architect. He’s helping
me to rebuild my confidence as an older woman. Claude’s so loving, roman-
tic, and sexy. He’s always telling me how beautiful I am, and he thinks
I’m smart. He really appreciates me, not like Enrique. Claude wants me to
leave Enrique and live with him. Claude’s the answer to my prayers.”
Her face radiated warmth and comfort.
“So with Claude you can fulfill your fantasy of a Prince Charming com-
ing to your rescue.” I did not know how this interpretation would go
over.
“You’re being sarcastic, like Enrique.” She glared at me.
“I see you can stand up to me. Maybe you’re stronger than you think.
You feel dependent on Enrique, but unless we work on your independence,
you’ll repeat the same pattern with Claude. After all, we can change our
circumstances, but we bring our old selves along.” I gave her something to
think about.
She smiled. “I’d like to work on being more independent. I really want
to give this a try with Claude.”
“How do you think Claude would respond to your greater independence
and autonomy?” I was curious to hear how she regarded equality in gen-
der roles.
“He’s already encouraging me to go back to school. I’ve always wanted
to be an interior decorator, and he said he’d pay for my education,” she
explained calmly.
108 DARING WIVES

So, she’s not so powerless; she’s plucky. It augurs well. Our Snow White
has some dark spots. She’s scrappier than I thought. She’s got her ducks
lined up. Our waif wife sure is wily! Now we can roll. I feel hopeful she
can transform her aggression to assertion and work toward autonomy,
agency, and strength.

“So, Claude’s supportive about your developing independence. What do

you think Enrique would say about you going back to school?” I asked her.
She explained his narrowness. “Enrique doesn’t understand me. He tells
me I have everything, so I should be happy.”
In our following work, exploration of her past revealed how Rosita was
repeating old patterns of relating that she learned in her family. Her mother
had come from a long line of dependent housewives who were subservient
to their husbands.
Rosita’s mother’s life was her children, her home, and her husband. She
derived her power vicariously through him and by serving others. Rosita’s
father was a hardworking construction worker who took orders from his
boss. At home he assumed the boss role, with Rosita’s mother as his employee.
Beer-drinking, demanding, and criticizing his wife, he usurped the role of
the dominant player in the relationship.
Her mother danced around her father, trying to please him, her chil-
dren, and others. Often, little Rosita comforted her despondent, subservient
mother. When Rosita showed her contempt for her father, her mother
silenced her. She warned her that forceful behavior was unfeminine, and
that no man would love her.
Rosita identified with her mother’s concept of femininity and repeated
the old dynamic. Femininity precluded any male traits—independence,
autonomy, active agency, aggression, and separateness. Rosita split off these
male parts and lived vicariously through Enrique, a domineering macho man
like her father. She hated her father, so she could not identify with his
maleness. Her mother was not in touch with her male parts, and Rosita
was not either. Alas, Rosita had neither an autonomous, independent mother
who accepted her own masculine traits, nor a strong, kind father with whom
she could identify.
Accessing Rosita’s aggression, her spunky, steely side that was disavowed,
became a central part of the work. As long as she was dependent on others,
she was an emotional hostage to them, a passive victim without agency or
will of her own. Fortunately, Rosita desired her freedom. As her sense of
independence grew she gained more confidence in becoming the actor,
rather than remaining the reactor. Her split-off aggression was slowly coming
into awareness and transforming to assertion.
 OLDER AND BOLDER 109

One day Rosita informed me that she had filed for divorce and was
moving in with Claude. She knew the move was premature, as she had a
lot of growing to do. Rosita also wanted a break from therapy to test her
newfound autonomous self.
She’s made strides, but she still has a way to go. This break from therapy’s
premature. Yet, I daren’t try to dissuade her from her decision lest I repeat
her domineering husband’s behavior. We worked on her sense of agency,
so what am I worrying about? She’s exercising it. But, I’ll miss her.
A year later, Rosita was back. “You haven’t changed,” she exclaimed.
“What does it mean to you that I’m the same?” I wanted to mine
some meaning.
“I need your constancy; there are so many changes in my life. I gained
a lot, and I don’t want to lose my self again.” She sounded mature and went
on. “I was scared that I’d become dependent on you if I stayed too long,”
she explained.
“With your history I can understand that. What made you change your
mind and trust me again not to dominate you?” I wanted to hear her take
on this.
“I feel stronger and I realize my fears were unfounded. Not everyone
wants to overpower me and take me over. You’re not my father or Enrique.
Claude respects my autonomy and separateness, but we have other issues.
He wants more children, and I can’t give him that, nor do I want to.” She
asserted boldly.
“So, you’re in the prime of your life and not in the pocket of a man.” I
felt proud of her.
Rosita is in ongoing therapy with me. She loves Claude, and despite
differences, with him she enjoys a more equal power relationship. So, things
between them have a good running start. The finish is yet to be determined.
I mentioned earlier in the book that rarely do wives end up with their
lovers. But, that is variable, as everything else is. There are no absolutes,
and it all depends on the situation and the people involved. In Rosita’s
case, her marriage was seriously out of kilter. Enrique’s machismo and his
dominating, violent behavior had eroded her self-esteem. Submissive depen-
dency that kept her tied to Enrique was part of the legacy of generations of
hapless wives. At midlife, Rosita was suffering the empty nest syndrome,
which Enrique did not fill. Claude, her lover, did. So her personal and
cultural history along with marital troubles interpenetrated her core self to
influence her desire for an extramarital affair.
In the above two stories you met daring wives with differing cultural
and family backgrounds. Farrah, a feminist, was more in touch with her
110 DARING WIVES

autonomy than Rosita, a traditional wife. Different motivations related

to aging, family history, personality, and styles of relating prompted them
to take younger lovers. In doing so, they unwittingly both defied the double
discrimination of ageism and sexism in our society. Older women with
younger lovers seem to be making their mark in our current society. I hope
that signifies a diminution of the double standard in sexuality and ageism.
In the following chapter, meet other daring wives struggling with a
common phenomenon in our society—remarriage and stepfamilies.
8
Remarriages and Regrets
OUT OF STEP WITH STEPFAMILIES

When I meet a man I ask myself, “Is this the man I want my children to spend
their weekends with?”
—Rita Rudner

ATTACHMENT BONDS
Remarriages and stepfamilies in America are estimated at 15–20 million,
with increasing numbers every year.1 The problems that arise in remarriage
differ from those of nuclear families. One of the goals of remarriage is
blending the families. Unfortunately, the Brady Bunch rarely is the reality.
Ex-spouses get in the way, as do stepchildren and financial stresses. Ties to
former families, with strong attachments, may create wedges between the
remarried spouses. Old baggage is carried over to the new marriages, pre-
senting stumbling blocks that impede intimacy in the remarriage.
A central stumbling block in remarriage is the attachment bond to a
former spouse. No matter the hostility and hateful feelings toward her ex-
husband or her conscious wishes, the attachment bond of a remarried wife
may continue on an unconscious level.2 She may experience the separation
as a loss and suffer from separation distress.
The chief source of anxiety, distress, sadness, and depression is separa-
tion from an intimate person.3 The relationship between a wife and husband
is certainly an intimate attachment, so that separation can be a wrenching
innermost loss, much as a child may have suffered when losing a parent.
Intimate attachments are the hub around which a person’s life revolves
from early childhood to old age.4 Separation is a lifelong struggle from womb
to tomb,5 and separating from an ex-husband is one of these struggles.
112 DARING WIVES

In the majority of cases the attachment is overcome within a year, but of

course, not in all.6 The continued attachment to an ex-spouse interferes
with developing a satisfying relationship with the new spouse.7 So the old
tie, no matter how hostile or loving, creates a wedge in the remarried couple.
In the following story, meet a wife whose continued attachment to her
ex-husband played havoc in the remarriage. Her struggle to separate from
her ex-husband was exacerbated by earlier unresolved traumatic loss.

Hanging On for Dear Life

Hannah and Jorge were in marital therapy to work on their new remar-
riage. This was the second time around for both. Jorge, a widower, had lost
his wife five years earlier. His first marriage was a happy one, and he reported
a loving, close attachment to his late wife Marissa. She died of cancer, and
he stood by her to the bitter end, tending to her with undying devotion.
The romance and sexual desire of the early years were non-existent in the
last four years of her illness. Nevertheless, Jorge maintained the memories
of a stable love that bolstered him to mourn and move on. His prior positive
marital experience provided him expectations that he would experience yet
another good marriage. So Jorge entered into the marriage with Hannah
with high hopes. All was well and good, but the ghost of his late wife
haunted the remarriage.
The attachment bond between Hannah and her former husband Ben
drastically differed from Jorge’s attachment to his late wife. A combustible
relationship replete with cycles of passionate fighting, making up, and making
out, Hannah and Ben’s attachment bond was truly chaotic. Despite the fierce
fighting, their fiery lovemaking made the frictional marriage worth hanging
onto for twelve years. Another consideration was their two children. Their
last fight, however, was over the top. No amount of lovemaking could repair
the damage wrought. In an adrenaline fit of rage, Hannah wrenched Ben’s
computer from its connections and smashed it against the wall. Ben wailed,
“You’ve shattered my entire life.” He filed for divorce the next day.
Despite the hostile divorce proceedings, Hannah and Ben continued to
enjoy an occasional torrid love tryst. When Hannah and Jorge remarried,
Hannah silently vowed to relinquish her sexual liaisons with Ben. Vows,
however, are only as valid as the person’s resolve. Alas, resolve was not one
of Hannah’s strong points, particularly when it came to overcoming losses.
There she was at a loss.
When Hannah was three, she suffered a central, traumatic loss. Tragically,
her mother died in a car accident. Shocked and unable to assimilate the
trauma and loss, Hannah adapted by denying her mother’s death for many
years. She pretended her mother was out on an errand and would soon return.
 REMARRIAGES AND REGRETS 113

Devastated by his wife’s sudden death, Hannah’s father sunk into a deep
depression. With the best intention to protect Hannah from his grief, he
sent her to live with her grandparents. The well-intended grandparents did
everything they could to distract little Hannah—everything but help her to
mourn. Indeed, good intentions pave the road to hell, and Hannah was
alone in her horrific hell of loneliness, fear, and sadness. Not only had
her mother abandoned her, her father had done so also. The specter of
abandonment met with terror, and she suffered from separation anxieties
her entire adult life.
No matter the tumultuous relationships, Hannah hung onto old boyfriends
even after they abused her. Once again, she denied the realities of the terrible
relationships lest she face yet another dreaded abandonment. She managed
to choose men with whom a real relationship of romance and stability was
not likely. Her old beaus were too wild or too tame, too bad or too good,
too arrogant or too meek. With Jorge she found the Goldilocks effect—he
was just right!
You would think this Prince Charming would augur well for our Cinderella.
With Hannah’s history of attachment and traumatic loss, a loving relationship
with passionate sexual desire, comfort, security, and stability was terrorizing.
Real intimacy with love and desire posed the specter of becoming emotionally
dependent and vulnerable to Jorge. For most of us the idea of depen-
dency may present us with a stumbling block, but for Hannah, dependency
presented her with a gargantuan mountain—abandonment and loss. Jorge
was too much to lose. If she lost him, she feared she would not recover.
So, unconsciously, she adopted self-protective measures to keep her safe.
The distance in the marriage made dependency less likely. She did not have
to go very far to maintain distance in the marriage, not any further than her
former husband Ben.
“Jorge’s so jealous. I don’t get it. I have to talk to Ben. He’s the father
of my children, and he owes me money,” Hannah pouted in a whiny, little-
girl voice. Blonde, tight, curly hair framed a pretty round face. In true baby
doll fashion, her large, innocent blue eyes opened wide, while her full lower
lip protruded seductively. Her skinny frame added to her naive appearance.
“What bothers me isn’t that you talk to him. It’s how often you talk to
him,” Jorge complained. The small hands with which Jorge gesticulated
seemed out of place with his rotund body. His pleading, warm brown eyes
spoke of sadness.
“How do I talk to him?” Hannah looked up innocently at Jorge.
“You put on that sugary, sweet, seductive voice of yours. That’s how.”
Jorge sounded anything but sweet or sugary. Infuriated, his warm eyes
grew stone cold.
114 DARING WIVES

“Jorge, how do you feel now?” I asked Jorge to gauge his feeling state.
“I don’t like what she’s doing. I give her everything she wants. So why
is she spending so much time with him?” He skirted the subject and focused
on Hannah.
“Hannah, how do you feel now?” I inquired of her.
She was clearly angry. “I feel angry. I’m nice to Ben because he owes
me money. And like I said, I need to talk to him about our kids.”
I floated a trial balloon. “It seems Ben’s a wedge between you two.”
“It’s not just Ben that’s a wedge. What about Marissa, your serene, saintly
dead wife? You keep comparing me to her. Just because I’m emotional,
passionate, and alive doesn’t make me a flake or a floozy. You knew what
I was like when you married me.” Jorge cringed at Hannah’s feisty retort.
“I love you, babe, but I can’t take your outbursts.” Tears filled
Jorge’s eyes.
“I hate when you call me ‘babe.’ I’m no babe. I’m a well-respected
professor of human sexuality. The problem’s that you’re not sexual; you’re
a prude and a wimp. I don’t respect you and I don’t desire you sexually.” Her
knockout blow sent him to the ropes. Her brief brush with naiveté gave
way to brass knuckles.
“Hannah, darling, you scare me. Doc, can you see how she scares me?
That’s how she talks to me. When we married we had sex twice daily; now
I don’t desire her sexually. She’s pushed me away. She’s such a bitch.” Well,
well. Jorge’s coming out of his corner and slinging back.
“It’s hard to desire each other sexually when you’re both out to destroy
each other. Romance and desire go hand in hand with respect and trust. I
think there are some problems here with respect and trust,” I suggested.
“How can I trust her? Do you know she’s begun to have dinner dates
with Ben? What do you make of that?” Jorge asked my opinion.
“Mostly, what do you make of it, Jorge?” I placed the question back
where it belonged.
“I think she’s holding on to him, and until she lets go, we can’t have a
good relationship.” Right on!
“What do you think, Hannah?” I asked her.
She got defensive. “What about Marissa? It’s not like he’s not holding
on to her.”
“But I don’t date her,” he defended himself.
“How can you date her? She’s dead,” Hannah struck back.
“Guys, we’re not in court. I’m not the judge, and you don’t have to
defend yourselves. What’s more important: who’s to blame or getting
along?” I now broached a cardinal area of marital relationships.
“Getting along is more important.” Resounding mutuality at last!
 REMARRIAGES AND REGRETS 115

“It sounds like neither of you have relinquished the attachment to your
former spouses, which we have to work on. Your style of fighting gets
vicious, so we’ll have to work on that also,” I proposed.
I saw the couple together for a few more sessions, before Hannah called
to ask for some individual sessions with me. She sounded desperate, and
Jorge was concerned about her recent disorganized, frantic behavior. He
would see me individually as well. I agreed to this temporary arrangement
as I, too, was concerned about Hannah’s panicky state. It seemed there was
something beyond the marital relationship that was plaguing Hannah. I soon
found out what that something was. It was Ben.
“Dr. Fran, I don’t want to stay so attached to Ben, but I can’t help myself.
It’s gotten bad lately. I still obsess about him, wondering who he’s sleeping
with. I call him often and go by his apartment at night.” She tossed her
tied-around-the-shoulder sweater back and sighed loudly.
“So you’re stalking him,” I commented.
“That’s not all I’m doing. Promise me you won’t tell Jorge. I’m sleeping
with Ben.” She searched me for a reaction.
I outlined another cardinal feature of intimacy. “I don’t think it’s my
place to tell Jorge. But when you’re ready to engage in a real intimate
relationship with Jorge you’ll tell him yourself. Intimacy entails openness
and trust.”
“I don’t want to hurt Jorge. I love him; it’s just that I can’t give Ben up.
We have this strong sexual attraction to each other.” She broke down into
soft sobs.
“Tell me more about this attraction with Ben. Are you attracted to
Jorge?” I was curious about the distinction she made.
“It’s not the same. It’s comfortable and safe with Ben. I have history with
him. Jorge’s a good lover; it’s not that. I don’t know what’s with me.” Her
dark blue eyes pleaded with me for some answers.
I countered her explanation. “It’s interesting that you call sex with Ben
comfortable and safe, when all you did was fight. Your relationship with
him was hardly safe—more like dangerous.”
“I guess so. I don’t get it.” She was bewildered.
“With your history of attachment and tragic loss, I can see where you
may fear intimate attachment. Intimacy is dangerous for you because
you can become dependent on Jorge, and he can abandon you like your
mother did. So you protect yourself from dependency by placing wedges
between him and you. Ben is one of these wedges, and Marissa is another.
The constant fighting is another way that you two degrade romance and
sexual desire. Perhaps that’s what went on in your previous marriage,”
I interpreted.
116 DARING WIVES

“I see a pattern, all right. I fall in love, and then I set up wedges. I also
know I can’t let go of Ben. I feel like I’d die without him. I’ve never been
good at separations.” Hannah’s tears rolled down her cheeks.
“So you’re hanging on for dear life.” I empathized with her.
“It’s crazy, but in Ben’s arms, I feel close to my mother. He’s gentle, and
he caresses me with a soft touch and kisses.” She stared off into space.
I joined her. “It’s not so crazy. The attachment to Ben is similar to what
you imagine it was to your mother. He breathes life into her dead body.
That’s awesome. I guess that’s hard to beat.”
“Jorge’s passionate and sexy, but I don’t feel the same. Ben knows what
to do to please me, but Jorge doesn’t.” She compared the two again.
I offered her some agency. “Perhaps you could tell Jorge what you desire.
He’s new to you and he’s not a mind reader.”
“That’s funny. I’m a professor of human sexuality, so you’d think I’d know
that.” She laughed at herself. How refreshing!
I commiserated with her. “It’s hard to be objective about yourself when
emotions get in the way.”
“Talking about my mother’s always emotional,” she agreed.
“Of course, you loved and lost, and you fear future losses, so you protect
yourself,” I suggested.
“It’s a lot to process. I have to think about it all.” She shook her head.
In the following sessions, we worked on Hannah’s separation anxieties
stemming from her childhood. She began to see how her fears of abandon-
ment kept her hanging on to a failed marriage.
Although the divorce from Ben was her idea, somehow Hannah felt
she could not live without Ben. Despite the high-conflict, defunct marriage
with Ben, Hannah held on. Fearing Ben would leave her, Hannah had
beaten him to the punch and divorced him. This way she thought she
would avoid abandonment. Nevertheless, the dissolution of a marriage is a
loss, no matter who initiates it. Now she was obsessed with whether Ben
would abandon her for another woman. So her sexual affair with Ben was
partly to keep him from leaving her.
The other reason for her affair with Ben was to avoid real intimacy with
Jorge. Jorge unwittingly collaborated in this construction of distance. His
attachment to his late wife was still strong, and he made it known. While
he could not have a sexual relationship with his dead wife, he did continue an
emotional one. The widow’s syndrome of idealizing a late husband applies
to widowers as well. Jorge idealized his late wife.
In therapy, Jorge examined this so-called “perfect” relationship with Marissa
only to find it had not been so perfect. Marissa was not an angel, nor was
Hannah a devil. In time, he admitted that devils had more fun, anyhow.
 REMARRIAGES AND REGRETS 117

Marissa had been a complaining, whining, childlike woman, dependent on

Jorge for everything. Even when she was healthy, Jorge shopped, cooked, and
worked full-time while Marissa stayed in bed until noon. Jorge revealed that
he resented how she leaned on him. When she took ill, Jorge cared for her
more out of obligation than love. So, he had split his relationships into
polarities of good and bad, good Marissa and bad Hannah.
Jorge began to see how he unwittingly created distance with Hannah. In
time, he began to appreciate her candor and to respect her independence
and autonomy. The recognition of the degree of Hannah’s insecurity and
fear of loss and abandonment proved to be an awakening for Jorge. He,
too, feared dependency, as he might lose Hannah. His parents’ marriage had
ended in divorce, and he lost his father, who dropped out of his life. So
they had a lot in common.
Their common bond was a starter, with empathy and trust to follow.
Finally, Hannah ended her affair with Ben, but Jorge had already discovered
it. Suspecting an affair, Jorge had checked Hannah’s cell phone and read a
revealing message. Furious, he confronted her and demanded the truth.
Hannah was forthcoming and begged forgiveness. The marital work had
moved along well enough so that the relationship could survive this rupture.
They are now working on repairing the tear, and on healing each other
from old, and not so old, hurts.
In the above story, the couple unwittingly constructed blocks to intimacy
in their remarriage. Both suffered from previous losses, so that relinquishing
the attachment to former spouses was experienced as yet another central
loss. Fear of intimacy in the new marriage stemmed from fear of losing
a beloved figure, so self-protective mechanisms against dependency were
unwittingly employed.
In the next story, meet a couple where a different type of attachment set
up wedges in the remarriage. Attachment to adult children from a former
marriage can become problematic in the remarriage. When the adult step-
children and father align against the new wife, the triangle is headed for
trouble; and trouble can be as close as another adult stepchild.

Stepping Out with a Stepchild

Celeste and Steve were married for five years. This was the second marriage
for Celeste and the third for Steve. Six months ago they decided they needed
some help and came in to see me for marital therapy. The work needed was
not proceeding well; I often thought I wanted the marriage more than they
did. When I broached the subject they assured me they loved each other
and wanted things to work out. Words are often belied by actions. They
seemed stuck in being right, without empathy for each other.
118 DARING WIVES

Their conflicts centered on the divisive role played by Steve’s children

in their remarriage. Steve was sixteen years older than Celeste, but they
looked good together. Celeste’s buxom body, draped in rainbow-colored
flowing robes; long, steel-gray wavy hair; and strong, pronounced facial
features made for a striking mature woman. With his piercing dark eyes,
bald head, and slim frame in dapper attire, Steve was the perfect complement
to his blushing bride.
Steve had an adult son, Owen, from his first marriage, and three adult
children, Lucy, Sally, and Peter, from his second. They were scattered in
suburban towns close to Celeste and Steve. Owen, Steve’s son from his first
wife, lived in a trendy urban area not too far from Celeste and Steve. Eric,
Celeste’s young adult son from her first marriage, was away at graduate
school. Eric had made a successful transition into young adulthood and
become his own person and a supportive, loving son.
Steve’s children lived closer to him than Celeste’s child did to her. The
physical proximity paralleled the emotional proximity. With the exception
of Owen, Steve’s children’s paths to separation and individuation were
blocked. They were still enmeshed with their father, and regarded Celeste
as an unwelcome intrusion. No matter that they were married with chil-
dren of their own—they still had not made the separation from their father.
They were dependent on him financially and emotionally, much like their
mother, Leah.
Leah, Steve’s ex-wife, suffered from chronic debilitating anxiety, abject
dependency, jealousy, and insecurity. Over Leah’s pleadings, Steve had initi-
ated the divorce six years prior to marrying Celeste. Leah, however, did not
let go of the attachment, and called Steve incessantly. His children did so
also. Although Steve had divorced his wife, emotionally the hostile bond
remained. We stay as attached in hate as we do in love.
Celeste’s stepchildren treated her with varying degrees of disdain.
Lucy, the older child, had been Steve’s surrogate wife, as Leah was too
distressed to attend to his emotional needs. Lucy resented Celeste’s arrival
and was jealous of her relationship with her father. Sally, the middle child,
was the flighty rebellious daughter whom her father constantly reined in.
Despite her remarriage to a responsible man, Sally still called her father
in desperation to get her out of scrapes with the law. John, the youngest
child, had married a materialistic wife, who feared that Celeste would rob
them of their inheritance. To some degree, Lucy and Sally also saw Celeste
as an interloper who would abscond with their inheritance. They conjectured
that Celeste, who was sixteen years younger than their father, would outlive
him and get all his money.
 REMARRIAGES AND REGRETS 119

Owen was the only stepchild with whom Celeste had a friendly relation-
ship. As we all know, friendships can sometimes become more than just
friendships. They can become amorous.
Celeste’s protestations about her stepchildren met with deaf ears by her
husband Steve. He blamed Celeste and defended his children. She fought
back ferociously, insulting him and his children. Steve retaliated by insulting
her. So the fighting increased and the intimacy decreased. Steve punished
Celeste by withholding sex from her. She punished him in yet another way.
Owen was the only one around to sympathize with Celeste’s plight. So,
Celeste had a handsome young shoulder to cry on. That was not all she had
with Owen. Celeste and Owen had a lot in common age-wise and interest-
wise. Celeste was only four years older than Owen, and they both liked the
same music, movies, and books. They were both successful lawyers in related
fields. He practiced corporate law, and Celeste practiced family law. They
also both loved to dance. Steve did not dance and so when the three were at
a party, Celeste and Owen danced together and Steve sat out. Celeste and
Owen were often mistaken as a fun-loving married couple, with an obliging
father looking on.
The fights between Celeste and Steve escalated, and the word divorce en-
tered these fights, placing further distance between them. They were in deep
trouble, more than I could imagine when Celeste called me.
“Dr. Fran, I have to see you alone. This is big, and Steve can’t know.
He’d kill me if he knew.” The urgency struck a chord of alarm.
Steve’s anything but violent. He’s much more passive than Celeste. This
has to be something really big. Shall I gratify her wish? Or is it to gratify
my curiosity? I think I’ll go for it.
The next day, a flustered Celeste bounded into my office. Her tangled
hair and wrinkled dress were so unlike her. Her keys dropped to the floor,
but she did not bother to pick them up. Dispensing with greetings, Celeste
got right to the point.
“I’m having an affair with Owen, Steve’s son.” She did not blink an eyelash.
“And?” I asked.
“And he’s terrific.” She explained her motivation for the affair. “Owen and
I are really getting it on. Not only is he sensitive and a great listener, he’s
on my side. Steve’s not; he’s on his kids’ side. Owen is the only one in my
corner. I feel so alienated from the rest of the family.”
“So, he’s your support system in this marriage. Are there any other reasons
for the affair?” I wanted her to think about it.
“Lots of reasons; Owen is young, sexy, and so good in bed. With him,
I forget all the problems in the marriage.” She stared out the window wistfully.
120 DARING WIVES

“So you escape reality with Owen,” I remarked.

“So, what’s wrong with that? It’s better than drugs or alcohol,” she
retorted.
“You’ve got a point. But when the party’s over, reality sets in. And
you’re frightened of Steve’s reaction. How do you feel about the fact
that you’re having an affair with his son?” I tried to bring some reason into
the dialogue.
“Steve deserves it; he’s so insensitive to my feelings. And he won’t make
love to me. How do you think that feels?” she shouted out in defiance. Spot-
ting the keys on the floor, she picked them up and held on tightly.
I was blunt. “So your affair with Steve’s son is about getting back at
him—taking revenge.”
“Maybe, but my affair with Owen is empowering me. I’ve felt helpless
in trying to reach Steve, yet I didn’t want another failure. So, I stayed in
the marriage, ranted and raved, but Steve doesn’t hear me. He’s a wimp.
We’ve been in therapy for six months and Steve’s still blaming me. I don’t
think he’ll ever change and give me what I want.” Her ire was mounting
as she jingled her keys.
“Aside from a healthier relationship with his children and more sex, what
else do you want?” I wondered what else Owen had awakened in her.
“I want a younger man, a more flexible man, and a man with less baggage.
I want to come first in his life, not last. I’m free sexually with Owen, and I
feel like I find myself with him. I lose myself with Steve.” More relaxed,
she relinquished the keys to her handbag.
“So, Owen awakened some real desires in you,” I noted.
“That’s the good thing about this love, but the bad thing is Owen and
I could never be together out in the open. I don’t like secret loves, but I
can’t let it out. I’d never hurt Steve.” She had obviously given some deep
thought to her situation.
“I can understand your dilemma.” I felt empathy for her.
“I’ve decided I don’t want to work on the marriage any more. I’m sorry
I married Steve. We both have too much baggage. I want a divorce.” Her
old threats had given way to resolve.
Celeste did in fact file for divorce, and she and Steve continued to
see me for separation issues. She never told Steve about her affair with
Owen, but he knew she did not have both feet in the marriage. Neither
did Steve. With his attachment to his children and his ex-wife and his
rigidity, he constructed obstacles in their path. Celeste retaliated with his
oldest son.
Neither partner had parents to provide a paradigm of a loving couple. A
child must see parents fight, show aggression, and resolve conflict. This way,
 REMARRIAGES AND REGRETS 121

the child gets the message that aggression is not dangerous, and that love
can be greater than hate.
Steve’s father was an alcoholic with a violent temper, so all Steve heard
was aggression, without resolve. Hate overtook love in his parents’ marriage,
but they stayed together for the children. Steve always feared confrontation
with his father, who would lose it with him rather than listen to him. Steve’s
fear of confrontation, stemming from his childhood, paralyzed him with his
children. He could not imagine that if he asserted himself with them, that
they would still love him.
Celeste’s family constellation did not provide her with a loving spousal
unit either. Her mother, a tough, demanding woman, dominated her meek
husband, Celeste’s father. Her mother wanted her husband to provide her
with more financial security and sexual satisfaction. Celeste’s ineffectual
father suffered from Parkinson’s disease and was unable to satisfy his wife. In
some ways, Celeste repeated this pattern in her marriage to Steve. Incapacity
stemming from fear has something in common with incapacity stemming
from Parkinson’s. Celeste also married a man who would not satisfy his
wife’s desires, and like her mother, she felt deprived, resentful, and angry.
In the above story, the remarriage did not work, and Celeste and Steve
divorced. Celeste remained in therapy, and Steve bowed out. One of Celeste’s
goals is to avoid repeating the same patterns of relating. The extramarital
affair acted as a catalyst to awaken her inner desires. She knows that if she
does not resolve her inner issues, she will only bring them to the next re-
lationship. She does desire another man in her life, a strong, protective man
who can be there for her. She is beginning to gain confidence that she can
be there for a man in an empathic way and deal with his shortcomings in a
better way than she did with Steve. Lately, she has more compassion for
Steve. We are working on gaining more compassion for her.
In both stories illustrated above, we saw how old patterns of relating got
in the way of resolving new problems posed by remarriage. Rather than a
fresh start, the remarriages were besieged with carryover baggage. Regretting
the remarriages, daring wives reached out for understanding, recognition,
and love elsewhere. In one case, the marriage had enough of a foundation to
sustain the blemish of infidelity. But in the other it did not; instead, the
marriage acted to empower the wife so that she could leave the marriage and
seek renewal within herself.
Remarriage and stepfamilies on the increase are signs of the times, as are
same-sex erotic relationships. In the following chapter we will examine how
daring wives—married to men—act on their desires for women lovers.
9
Same-Sex Affairs
WIVES WITH WOMEN LOVERS

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than
the risk to blossom.
—Anais Nin

What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no,
it’s curved like a road through mountains.
—Tennessee Williams1

MULTIPLE MEANINGS
What is the effect on marriage of wives’ affairs with other women? Does it
mean they are unfaithful? What about the significance of sexual orientation
for a wife’s sense of self ? In our current post-modern times of multi-layered
experience, a woman’s sexual attractions, identities, and behaviors are also
multi-layered, influenced by social and cultural constructions as well as inner
strivings, developmental experiences, and personal history. The meaning
and significance of a wife’s extramarital affair with a woman is a unique
experience with a private meaning that differs for each wife. In this
chapter I will explore some of these multiple meanings of wives’ affairs
with women.
Recent empirical evidence documents that women’s sexuality is flexible,
fluid, plastic, and may change over time.2 Childhood indicators of sexual
orientation do not necessarily indicate a woman’s later sexual orientation.3
For some women, sexual orientation may well be an emergent phenomenon,
rather than an early-appearing trait.4
While one woman may have always known she had sexual desires for a
woman, another woman’s same-sex orientation may have gradually unfolded
124 DARING WIVES

during childhood and adolescence. Yet another woman’s same-sex orienta-

tion may emerge abruptly at a later point in her lifetime.5 It may even
emerge during marriage to a man.
In comparison to men, women’s sex drive is more malleable in response
to sociocultural and situational factors.6 Some women identify themselves
as lesbian or bisexual in political protest of hegemonic patriarchy in heterosex-
ual relationships. For other women, same-sex desires may be hampered by
cultural condemnation; hence, they are unaware of or reluctant to express
their authentic desires.7 Given our culture of greater tolerance of same-sex
orientation, other wives may feel emboldened to seek fulfillment of their
authentic desires.
The state of the marriage—a situational factor—can also influence a
wife’s expression of her same-sex desire. A modern wife desires mutual
power, recognition, and attunement in the marital relationship. If her hus-
band fails to fulfill these desires—and a woman friend does—a wife may be
surprised by her emerging sexual feelings toward her friend. An unusually
close friendship may unexpectedly give rise to sexual desire.8
A wife may feel confused about her identity and what her affair with a
woman means for her marriage. She may think this is only a phase. Research9
reveals that one quarter of young women engaged in sexual activity with
other women relinquished their activity, but not their sexual attraction. They
did not describe their experience as a phase, but rather that they changed
the way they interpreted or acted on their attractions.
Sexual identity often comes into question when a wife has an extramarital
affair with a woman. While women may have multiple sexual selves that
are flexible and fluid, they usually still seek a cohesive self.10 Without a
cohesive sense of self, a wife may feel conflicted and fragmented. In this
case, clarity of her sexual identity is crucial for a cohesive self. Then there
are women who feel otherwise. They do not need labels to feel intact. Many
heterosexual wives engaging in affairs with other women do not identify them-
selves as bisexual or lesbian. They simply feel that their authentic sexual desires
cannot be met in exclusive heterosexual relationships. Still other wives may
experience their female bodies and heterosexual identity as ill-fitting. If not
for bisexuality, they could not feel sexual at all.11
Initially, some wives may not question their sexual identity, especially if
their husbands approve of their affairs with women. A husband still wields
a great deal of power in a wife’s choices. He may request that his wife and
he engage in swinging—she has sex with a woman while he watches or
participates. Research12 indicates that when wives had no prior sexual attrac-
tions to other women, after engaging in swinging with another woman,
many continued to have sex with both men and women. The swinging
 SAME-SEX AFFAIRS 125

environment and a wife’s desire for fulfillment of sexual desires were other
factors. Notably, however, the strongest influence was her husband’s wishes.
In my clinical experience, I have worked with wives who married, had
children, and engaged in affairs with other women during marriage. Some
identified themselves as lesbian; after much deliberation, they ended the mar-
riages to resume satisfying long-term relationships with their women lovers.
I have also worked with wives whose same-sex extramarital affairs gave rise
to turmoil for them and their husbands. Then again, I have read about wives
whose continued engagement in sexual behavior with women during the
marriage did not affect the marriage. In my experience, I have rarely found
the last one of these three scenarios. The open marriages of the sixties and
seventies do not appear to work today.
In the following story, I share a case that I found particularly interesting
in light of our more open and tolerant society. I have found that discrim-
ination and prejudice about same-sex orientation persist. Hence, sexual de-
sire may go underground before marriage, only to suddenly surface during
marriage.

A False Front of Femininity

Diana’s therapy centered on mounting anxieties that impacted her marriage,
her young children, and her feelings of well-being. Obsessed with cleanli-
ness, domestic duties, and motherhood, Diana despaired that her life ran
her; and it did. A slave to her obsessions, she shortchanged the marriage and
her children’s development.
A tall, slender woman, Diana’s tresses draped gracefully down her back.
Try as she might to hold them back, strands of hair fell onto her face, which
met with Diana’s distress. A perfectionist, she had to have every hair in
place. Unfortunately, her unruly mane had its own mind. A haircut was not
an option; it would curtail her femininity. Her husband Chuck also wanted
a feminine wife. Short, flared skirts or long, flowing dresses were always
discreet and modest. A sweet floral scent wafted through the air as Diana
sauntered over to the coach. Her southern accent completed the desired
aura of the perfect mother and genteel, feminine woman.
To the naked eye, Diana could be seen as nice, too nice. Somehow, I
perceived her appearance as contrived and deceptive. As Shakespeare put it,
“The lady doth protest too much.” A seething cauldron of anxieties, fears,
and uncertainties lay just beneath the smooth, unruffled surface.
Driven perfectionist behavior precluded enjoyment of her children.
Diana’s expectations of perfection cast their critical eye on the children. She
constantly corrected their speech, deportment, and academic performance.
In our current competitive culture, many parents push their children to
126 DARING WIVES

be perfect; so her behavior was, in part, culturally inspired. Her children,

however, resenting their mother’s overbearing demands, turned to their
father for acceptance. So, Diana, the southern belle, became the bad cop
and Chuck, the tough businessman, the good cop.
Anxieties about the chores ahead obscured Diana’s ability to take pleasure
in the moment. Physically present with her children, her mind wandered
elsewhere—so many duties awaited her. Despite affectionate exchanges, the
children sensed her distance, which did not bode well for their self-esteem.
Diana’s children’s development was compromised, and they struck out in
defiance. Diana entered therapy partly to learn how to cope with her out-
of-control children. Another reason was her marital problems.
With attention to every minute detail, Diana began her ritual cleaning,
cooking, shopping, and perfect parenting early in the day. PTA meetings,
cooking, and parenting classes often stretched into evening hours. By 9 p.m.,
Diana felt exhausted and not in any shape to entertain romance or sex with
her husband. The rare sexual encounters—by appointment only—took last
place in Diana’s priorities.
Diana told me she had sex with Chuck mainly to “get it over with,”
and that sex was never a big thing for her. Lately, the couple’s sex life had
dwindled to once every few months. Enraged, Chuck struck out at Diana,
shouting, “You’re a cold, frigid bitch.” He felt insignificant to Diana, that
he came last after the house and the children.
Although she suspected that Chuck was having an affair, Diana refused
to confront him. Much to my surprise, she indicated that it did not matter
that much to her. What mattered to her was maintaining the stability of the
marriage at all costs. Under no circumstances would she risk rocking the
marital apple cart.
After eight months in therapy, Diana began to entertain the idea that
preoccupation with her children, motherhood, and domesticity were em-
ployed to ward off some deeper underlying anxieties. We were working on
uncovering the meaning of these perplexing anxieties, when Diana exploded
with an “a ha” moment of discovery.
“Doctor Fran, do you think I’m a lesbian in hiding?” She looked frantic.
“What makes you think so?” I returned her question with another
question.
How uncanny! I was hoping to probe the meaning of her hyperfemininity
and her preoccupation with perfect motherhood and parenting—the mark
of femininity. She’s opened the door, possibly.
“I bumped into Kim a few weeks ago. She’s an old high school friend
that I lost touch with. We’d been close friends as kids, but in our senior
 SAME-SEX AFFAIRS 127

year she and I took separate paths. Kim came out as a lesbian and got involved
with a lesbian culture where I didn’t feel comfortable. Well, we got to talking
and I unloaded my frustrations with my husband. Chuck thinks I have an
easy job and doesn’t understand my responsibilities and my fatigue. While
Kim doesn’t have children, she really understood me.” Diana was on a roll.
I joined her. “It must be comforting to be validated by someone who
isn’t even a parent.”
“It was more than comforting. It was warm and loving. So we made a
date to meet again for a cocktail at her apartment in the city. Kim’s a high-
powered executive for an international moving company. Her apartment
is perfectly furnished, in excellent taste. Nothing’s out of place, and it’s so
serene.” Her southern drawl sang Kim’s praises.
“No children or husband to mess things,” I remarked.
“I realize that. While I’d never give up my kids for an uncluttered
home, I do envy her peace. I feel like I have none.” Her long, flowered
skirt drooped.
“What do you think her peace is related to?” I was curious to hear
Diana’s views.
“She’s certain of her lesbian sexual identity. I was sure I was heterosexual
until now. But after I tell you what happened, you’ll see why I don’t know
what I am.” Her eyes filled with tears that she stoically held back.
“So you’re questioning your sexual identity. I see despair,” I observed.
“I’m confused, and feel like I’m falling apart.” Diana’s eyes peered out
at me through long, dark lashes.
“Let’s examine what happened and try to find some meaning to it,”
I offered.
“In many ways, Kim is my ideal woman. I wish I was more like her.
She’s smart, successful, independent, and she doesn’t answer to anyone.”
Diana listed Kim’s culturally defined masculine traits.

So she really admires the masculine sides of women. Her hyperfemininity

may be a front to hide her masculine traits. It looks like she’s disavowed her
masculine traits. Perhaps she’s experiencing them vicariously through Kim.
“Perhaps these traits that you admire in Kim are the very ones you have
disowned,” I interpreted.
“I don’t think so. I don’t think I’m at all masculine. I’m feminine, but
so is Kim. She’s cuddly, loving, and gentle. She’s attuned to me, not like
my husband.” She lauded Kim’s feminine qualities.
“As a lesbian Kim is in touch with her masculine and feminine traits. In
your preoccupation with femininity and motherhood, you made room for
128 DARING WIVES

only feminine qualities. Perhaps, unconsciously, you fear that masculine traits
equate with a lesbian or a bisexual orientation,” I interpreted.
“I’m terrified that I’m a lesbian, so maybe what you’re suggesting figures.
You see, I’m having a sexual affair with Kim.” Diana sighed in relief and
continued. “Would you believe she didn’t even initiate it? I did.” She
looked for my response. Clearly she desired attunement with me.
“I believe it. What’s your sexual experience with Kim like?” I wanted
her to explore the meaning of her sexual experience.
“Lovemaking with Kim’s soft, gentle, and tender, along with romance and
great passion. I go into another world with her. I can’t get enough of her.
It’s nothing like with Chuck. Sex with him is obligatory; with Kim it’s a
compelling desire.” She stared off in space.
“So, sex with Kim is sublime.” I validated her.
Diana was examining herself. “It is, but I still love Chuck. Unfortunately,
I’m not in love with him. I don’t know if I ever was.”
“Why’d you marry him?” I asked.
“I married Chuck for many reasons. He was marriage material and I
wanted to please my traditional family and to raise a traditional family of
my own. I can’t think of what would happen to Chuck if he knew what
I was doing.” She shuddered.
“What do you think would happen if Chuck found out?” I asked.
“He’d think I was unfaithful and he’d be hurt. I don’t want to hurt him.
Do you think I’m unfaithful? It’s not like I’m having an affair with another
man.” She made a distinction, but still wanted my opinion.
I explained my thoughts on infidelity. “I would think that if you and
Chuck had a contract of trust and honesty, this secret affair could be seen
as an act of infidelity.”
“I guess so, and Chuck would feel betrayed and humiliated,” she re-
flected sadly.
“What about your family?” I asked.
“Forget it. They’d disown me if they knew. I was raised to be a heterosex-
ual, faithful wife. An affair with a woman was unheard of. And I went along
with their narrow views—until now.” She was looking for connections.
“So, you fell under their sway.” I continued to reflect her thoughts.
“I never had much of a mind of my own. Kim is helping me get in touch
with it. We’re in love, but she’s not pressuring me.” She looked pleased.
“That’s helpful. How do you feel about being in love with Kim?” I queried.
“Wonderful! But, there’s more to it than that. Now that I’m aware of
my sexual desires and love for Kim, I’m besieged with confusion and doubts
about myself and my marriage. I’m torn; I love two people, a man and a
woman. But, I’m in love with only Kim. And she’s a woman. It’s all very
 SAME-SEX AFFAIRS 129

disturbing. I want to have a mind of my own once and for all.” She shook
her head emphatically.
“To have a mind of your own, you cannot be enslaved by judgments of
others. The straitjacket of others’ judgment constrains your freedom to
express your real self, your authentic sexual desires, and your sexual iden-
tity. So perhaps we can work on freeing your authentic self, so you can
arrive at a better place from which to decide about your marriage,” I
interpreted.
In our continued work together, Diana revealed that as a child she kissed
another girl, and they showed each other their private parts. She trembled as
she recounted her stimulating sex play. Diana and her little friend continued
to have sex play until her mother caught them. Her mother pulled Diana’s
panties down, spanked her with a spoon, and sent her to bed without supper.
She then was forced to confess her sins to the priest. The worst punishment
was that she was forbidden to ever see her friend again. At the tender age
of six years old, Diana had already suffered shame and guilt inflicted upon
her by the judgment of others. Despite her attraction to other little girls,
Diana did not dare to act on her feelings.
In adolescence, Diana continued to be attracted to other girls, but dis-
missed these feelings as shamefully wrong. She went to a commuter college,
and although girls experimented sexually with other girls, she resisted the
temptation. In adulthood, any time an attraction to a woman darted though
her mind, she dismissed it as nonsense—she was a full-fledged feminine
woman. With feminine clothes, her tall, slender, small-breasted body looked
like that of many a heterosexual woman.
The façade Diana created was almost foolproof. She fooled herself, her
husband, her family, and to some extent me. Lurking under the false front,
an unfulfilled woman strove to free herself. By repressing her inner strivings
and donning a mask of motherhood with a false front of femininity, Diana
created a conventional, stable life. Unshackling herself from her chains of
conventionality and judgment unnerved her. She feared the freedom that
change and the unknown presented.
I perceived Diana as a strong, intelligent woman with incredible resolve.
The construction of a feminine front to deflect from her sexual orientation
anxieties was uncanny. We worked on mobilizing her strength and ingenuity
to help her examine her authentic sexual and romantic desires.
Diana’s appearance slowly showed subtle changes. Flowing skirts gave
way to soft slacks; ruffled off-the-shoulder blouses to smartly tailored shirts;
and high spiked heels to attractive lower-heeled shoes. She even got a haircut
that flattered rather than detracted from her fine features. Did she still look
feminine? I would say yes, in a more natural, unpretentious way.
130 DARING WIVES

Diana and Kim continued to see each other, and their love grew. Kim’s
apartment, well located in the city and close to theater, restaurants, and
concert halls, proved to be a perfect location for their clandestine relationship.
It was so easy to tell Chuck she was meeting a friend in the city to go to
some event or other. It was not as though she lied; she was indeed meeting
a friend. Diana rationalized that she was not really lying to Chuck about her
relationship with Kim. She was simply not telling him the whole truth. Of
course, in marriage, omitting to tell the truth is still breaking a trust.
Gaining further insight, Diana got in touch with her guilt about betraying
Chuck. But, she also desired to live in the open with Kim. How do others
solve guilt pangs along with discordant desires to fulfill their inner selves?
They may confront their husbands directly with the truth, or they may not.
Our plucky lass chose still another way to deal with her dilemma.
Seeing as Chuck was working late, Diana took the opportunity to invite
Kim to her house, ostensibly to meet her children. Kim and the children
hit it off immediately. Diana felt closer to Kim than ever. Not only were
they lovers, but Diana could also share in her love of the children with Kim.
After the children were fast asleep, the warm and cozy feeling led to pas-
sionate erotic feelings between Diana and Kim. Enraptured with each other,
time stopped for them. Time did not, however, stop for Chuck. After his
late meeting he came home to discover his wife in bed with another woman.
At an unconscious level, Diana’s impetuous lovemaking with Kim was
not so impetuous. Diana knew she would have to disclose her affair for her
peace of mind and for Chuck’s sake. Claiming she did not want to hurt
him, Diana did not tell him directly. At an unconscious level, her brazen
behavior with Kim in the marital bed was aimed at bringing the affair out
in the open. It did just that.
Chuck’s initial shock was followed by humiliation and rage. Despite
Diana’s efforts to placate him, she did not compromise her own desires.
Telling Chuck she was in love with Kim met with a storm of pent-up
emotions. As much as he loved Diana, Chuck was unwilling to share her
with another woman. After the storm had passed, Chuck offered to forgive
Diana if she would end her affair with Kim.
Diana did not end the relationship with Kim. After much consternation,
Diana ended the relationship with Chuck. She is freeing herself from others’
judgments and identifying herself as a lesbian. After researching the effects
on children of living with two moms—indications are favorable—Diana,
Kim, and the two children moved in together. The children now have
a mom, a stepmom, and a dad.
In the above story, we met a wife who constructed a false front of
femininity to deflect anxieties about her sexual orientation. So, personal
 SAME-SEX AFFAIRS 131

considerations influenced her traditional lifestyle, as did generations of con-

ventional “feminine” women in her cultural history. The camouflage was
worn for protection from societal “family values” that discriminated against
lesbian relationships. In this case, neither the marriage nor the individual
was flawed, so they were not the motivators for Diana’s choice of a
same-sex affair. Rather, Diana’s decision to engage in a same-sex affair was
predicated on her inner strivings and her authentic sexual desire and
orientation.
In the next story, meet a wife who was, to some degree, always aware
of her attraction to women. She engaged in same-sex behavior before her
marriage. So after she married, she did not consider her affair with another
woman an act of infidelity. She was with a woman and not another man.
An act of infidelity, however, pertains to the breaking of a trust, which is
gender-free.

Shifting Sexuality
“I can’t accept what she’s doing. She’s cheating on me with a woman. How
could she? What kind of a slut is she?” Nick’s ruggedly handsome face
contorted in rage.
“See how he talks to me. Why does he have to shout at me and call
me names?” Courtney’s stalwart stature gave way to tears as she pleaded for
my acknowledgment.
“You deserve it; look at what you’re doing to our marriage.” Nick
defended himself, stretching out his long legs.
“You’re vile, always blaming me.” Tears welled up in Courtney’s eyes.
I tried to break into their hostile exchange. “How’re you feeling,
Courtney?”
“I’m scared. When he shouts at me, I get scared. I can’t stand it,”
Courtney explained.
“Did you know you scare your wife?” I asked Nick.
“I don’t know what she’s talking about. I’ve never hit her. This is
bullshit.” Nick’s explosion resounded into the waiting room.
“I see you two have a problem in hearing the other person’s perspective.
Neither of you listen to the other one,” I suggested.
“All I want is for Nick to treat me with respect.” Courtney continued
to press her point.
“Look who’s talking about respect. That’s a joke. Do you call that re-
spect, sneaking around behind my back with a lesbian? It’s bad enough she’s
cheating, but with a lesbian! What is my wife, a lesbian?” Nick bellowed.
“And what if I’m a lesbian?” Courtney retorted defiantly. She sat up
straight, ready and raring to go.
132 DARING WIVES

“It’s disgusting. I don’t want to be married to a dyke.” He pounded his

fist on the table in front of him.
“Guess what? I’m not so sure I want to be married to you. You’ve got
this thing about anyone who’s not heterosexual. You pretend you’re liberal.
But underneath you hate gay men, lesbian women, and bisexual people. I
don’t know for sure what I am, but I want to explore it,” Courtney fired
back, mimicking his fist pounding.
“It sounds like Courtney needs time to explore her sexuality.” I turned
to Nick, but he sat stone-faced, arms crossed on his chest, without responding.
“I need time to figure things out. I don’t know if I’m lesbian, bisexual,
or heterosexual. It doesn’t much matter to me. All I know is I can’t take
Nick’s degrading attitude.” Once again, she did a Nick, with arms crossed
on her chest. Was she trying to best him at his game?
Courtney’s rage obviated any empathy for Nick. His fury gave rise to
heated prejudice and blocked any understanding of Courtney’s feelings.
Neither could see how their anger destroyed empathic or loving feelings.
Rather than work on getting along, they were out to stonewall each other.
“I’m out of here. It’s her problem, not mine. Doc, straighten her out
and then we’ll talk. I’m not coming back.” Nick stormed out of the room,
and Courtney burst into tears.
“I don’t blame him. I’m so screwed up.” She was feeling sorry for herself.
“What’s screwing you up so much?” I queried.
“A lot of things are screwing me up, but mainly my sexual orientation. I
never gave it a thought. I always felt that I was straight and it was okay to
have sex with men and women. But, I care about the marriage,” she explained.
“It’s interesting that you used the word straight. It suggests that a lesbian
or bisexual orientation is crooked,” I offered.
“I guess I have my own prejudice and fears of not being heterosexual or
‘straight.’” She got it and continued. “I never felt crooked till now.” Court-
ney looked sad.
“So, you were comfortable having sex with men and with women. Did
you ever question your sexual orientation before?” I asked.
“I was curious, but it didn’t consume me. Don’t most heterosexual women
also enjoy women sexually every now and then?” Her eyes opened wide
in a naive stare.
“Some do; it depends on your attitude and environment,” I suggested.
“Well, in college most of the girls with boyfriends also had sex with other
girls. I tried it and liked it. It was no big deal,” she explained nonchalantly.
“Hmm,” I remarked, looking for more from her.
“Some girls at college came out as lesbians, some as bisexuals. For a while,
I thought I was a lesbian, and then I thought I was bisexual. I guess my sexual
 SAME-SEX AFFAIRS 133

identity keeps shifting. I’ve always liked women, but not in the same way as
men.” Courtney was distinguishing between her sexual desires somewhat.
I began to explore the meaning of her sexual desires. “How do your
sexual desires for women and men differ?”
“It’s different with women. It’s a novelty, exciting. But, I like the smell
and feel of a man. I feel protected by a man. There’s nothing like a man,”
Courtney responded vigorously.
“Do you feel that way about Nick?” I asked.
“I did, but not anymore.” Her flushed face almost matched her flame-
red hair.
“When did your feelings for Nick change?” I asked.
“It’s been a while now. He’s so possessive and controlling. He calls me
ten times a day to check on me. Nick tells me he doesn’t trust my judgment;
that he’s worried I’d get into trouble or have a car accident. He’s afraid I’ll
make it with another man. He doesn’t let me wear a bikini on the beach,
or a short skirt to go shopping. Is that crazy or what?” Her verve waned.
“I guess it’s whatever you make of it,” I suggested.
“All I know is I hate his arrogance. He thinks he knows everything and
I’m a dummy. He keeps saying I can’t take care of myself. That’s so not
true. I’ve always been independent and strong,” she complained.
“Did you realize how possessive Nick was when you married him?” I
was curious.
“No, I just thought he was protective. That’s one of the things I loved
about him,” she reflected.
“The qualities that we fall in love with often become our nemeses. Do
you think you provoke him at all?” I inquired.
“Sure, I do my own thing, and he doesn’t like it. I get together with my
friends on Friday nights and he has a fit. He doesn’t understand that I need
other people in my life. I have to feel like a separate person, but Nick wants
us always to be together.” She was getting to the core of their problems.
“It sounds like an impasse about distance and proximity,” I interpreted.
“I need more distance. Nick doesn’t recognize my needs at all, only
his,” Courtney complained.
“What do you think his needs are?” I was curious to see if she under-
stood him.
Her complaints continued. “His needs have to do with sex. The kids
wake me up at six and we go all day. By the time I get the kids off to sleep
and clean up, I’m exhausted, but he still wants sex. He doesn’t under-
stand me.”
I reflected her desires. “So you want to be understood and to have your
needs recognized by Nick.”
134 DARING WIVES

“It’ll never happen with Nick. But I do feel understood and recognized
by Trish. Her husband is macho also. We confide in each other, and I feel
comforted by her.” Courtney clarified some of the meaning of her affair.
“You’re getting something important from Trish that you’re not getting
from Nick. It sounds like the affair is not so much about excitement and
novelty, but about comfort and attunement,” I interpreted.
Courtney was examining herself in greater depth. “It started out as ex-
citing, but there’s more to it than that.”
“What exactly are your feelings toward Trish?” I asked.
“She’s a great friend, a real close friend. Sex with her is okay. But
there’s something missing. It’s a feeling I can’t explain. I’m not in love with
her.” Her response was well measured.
“What about your feelings toward Nick?” I inquired.
“I’m confused there; I really don’t know. I want the marriage, but I don’t
know how I feel about him. Please help me.” Her stoic veneer stripped
away and revealed a vulnerable little girl.
As a tall, statuesque redhead, Courtney’s large fleshy frame, translucent
skin, and deep-set eyes, offset by angular, small features, reminded me of
a cross between a robust, sensual Rubens woman and a delicate, slender
Modigliani portrait.
In our subsequent work, Courtney got in touch with her feelings toward
Nick. While she complained that he lacked empathy for her, she also
lacked empathy for him. What we hate in someone else, we hate in ourselves.
So Courtney projected her own lack of empathy onto Nick. He enacted
the projection for her.
As commendable as her need for separateness was, it went awry in
her marriage. Fearing dependence on Nick, Courtney marched to her own tune.
Reluctantly, she revealed that she did get into car accidents, and was also
quite forgetful. Unwittingly, she sought Nick’s protection. Nick had his own
issues about possessiveness. Separateness meant abandonment—a childhood
legacy. He enacted these fears in the marriage with Courtney. They each
played out roles that maintained a polarization of distance and proximity. The
notion of flexibility and fluid space between the couple was yet to be tackled.
Courtney’s childhood revealed a tough, no-nonsense mother and lenient
but absent father. Her mother preached stoicism, self-sufficiency, and inde-
pendence. Many a scraped knee or throbbing shin was passed off as “It’s
nothing to cry about. If you don’t stop I’ll give you something to cry
about.” Warmth and empathy were not among her mother’s strong points.
Her father’s tender and loving qualities were tantalizing indeed. However,
he rarely saw little Courtney, as he worked late. Neither was he available
to protect Courtney from her mother’s harsh discipline.
 SAME-SEX AFFAIRS 135

Part vulnerable child, part stalwart woman, Courtney learned to pro-

tect herself from hurts. She projected her disowned desire for protection
onto Nick. Gladly, Nick enacted the role of protective father; however,
he overdid it. She also disavowed her need for empathy, recognition, and
understanding, and sought her needs from Nick. But empathy and recognition
beget empathy and recognition. Courtney’s supplies were short in these areas.
Deprived of a nurturing parental figure, Courtney lacked a role model
for nurturance and soothing. Her parenting skills were more like those of a
drill sergeant than an attuned mother. The children gave her a hard time.
Much to her chagrin, their oppositional behavior consumed her. For a
woman who desired separateness, Courtney’s disciplinary measures served to
keep her fused with her children. Trish shared her feelings and commiserated
with her. Courtney, however, was not in love with her.
Over time, Courtney began to see the meaning of the affair for her sense
of self, her sexual orientation, and the significance of it for her marriage. Her
affair—partly a friendship that had become eroticized—also maintained dis-
tance from Nick.
Courtney’s parents’ marriage had ended in divorce, leaving an embittered
mother and a depressed father. Hence, real love and intimacy with Nick
threatened her. Closeness meant dependence on Nick, which she dreaded.
He could reject her much like her father did to her mother. Courtney
did not want to become an embittered, lonely old woman.
The affair with Trish was safe, which of course is paradoxical. Extramarital
affairs are thought to be dangerous. But are they really? At a deeper level
Courtney recognized she was not in love with Trish. Should Trish leave,
it would not be as devastating to her as it would should Nick leave her.
The father of her children, Nick represented marriage, stability, and comfort.
As to sexual desire, she recalled passionate lovemaking with Nick prior to
the onslaught of aggressive hurts.
In essence, the dangerous affair was safe—a contradiction in terms, no
less. But living with paradox, contradictions, ambiguity, and uncertainty
is living life. Courtney and I probed the multiple layers and ambiguities of
her shifting sexuality, the same-sex affair, and her flagging marriage. She
ended the affair with Trish in order to see whether she could repair her
marriage with Nick.
In marital therapy, Courtney, Nick, and I are working on mutual recogni-
tion, empathy, uncertainty, and ambiguity. An open, honest relationship
with trust is beginning to emerge. The issue of sexual identity is taking on
greater nuance. Despite her attraction to both genders, Courtney decided
to curb her behavior with women and focus on Nick. She revealed that she
was still attracted to women, but would not act on it. Nick feels less threatened
136 DARING WIVES

now that she gave up her lover. He is working on acceptance of her

continued attraction to women.
Fears of abandonment, dependency, and loss set the table for the sabotage
of romance and love. Both partners brought a lot of ingredients to this
table. They are beginning to see how they avoided intimacy by their self-
protective measures. Courtney’s distance and Nick’s possessiveness served
to keep intimacy at bay.
Courtney is now more comfortable with showing her love and caring.
Nick is better able to understand her feelings without feeling threatened.
Instead of dominating and possessing her, he is more open to hearing her
objections; and Courtney is more open to hearing his. Also Courtney’s
candid discussion of her shifting sexual identity has laid the groundwork for
a more honest, transparent, and intimate relationship.
Initially, Nick felt threatened by Courtney’s shifting sexual identities. If she
could shift sexually, could she shift partners and leave him? He is grappling
with the concept that nothing in life is certain. We live in the tension between
paradoxes of the known and unknown, light and dark, right and wrong, love
and hate, and life and death. Rather than dreading the unknown, he and
Courtney are opening up the possibility of enjoying the excitement of uncer-
tainty. In the new, more open relationship, Nick feels safer to admit to his
own same-sex attractions. He now feels freer to bond with his male friends.
In the above two stories, we saw how multiple layers of meaning and
uncertainty contributed to same-sex affairs. We got firsthand accounts of
how judgment of one’s sexuality kills love, whereas understanding enlivens
love. We also saw that women’s sexual orientation is flexible and can change
over time. Culture, personal history, inner strivings, and marital problems
are intertwined with women’s sexual identity.
The significance of sexual orientation also differs from woman to woman.
For some women, confusion about sexual identity is tantamount to chaos
and disorganization, whereas for others, sexual identity is a trait like any other.
Rather than dualisms of right or wrong, good or bad, heterosexual or homo-
sexual, women seek authentic sexual desire in a variety of ways. Marriage,
however, places constraints on finding one’s authentic self. In marriage as in
life, and in therapy, we live in a paradox of freedom and boundaries.
In the following chapter, I will explore how the quest for an authentic
sexual self in the form of variations of sexuality may not be consistent with
boundaries of marriage. The desire for variation in sexuality is most often
stigmatized by pejorative terms like perversion. Hence, rather than risk stigma
and shame, a daring wife seeking fulfillment with variations of sexuality
might do so in secret.
10
Sex Goes Awry
VARIATIONS ON A THEME

One may not reach the dawn save by the path of the night.
—Germaine Greer

A SIREN’S SONG
In high-conflict marital relationships or when hostility silently simmers, sex
goes by the wayside. When at war with an adversary, sex is often the last
thing on your mind. Patients in my practice report that problems in their
sex lives are not about the quality of sex, but the quantity. Suffering
in silence or fighting to the death kills sexual desire for most wives, and
sexual encounters become fewer and farther apart in the marriage.
For some wives, however, infrequent sex is not necessarily in response to
marital discord. They may have their own unique sexual agenda. The sexuality
of wives is hardly uniform; sexuality has various faces. In this chapter you
will read about two of these variations of sexuality.
Sex in synchrony—a symphonic blending of two bodies, souls, and
minds—is such that you lose yourself in your partner, only to find your true
self. The height of intensity is when both partners are satisfied in the sex
act, not necessarily simultaneously, but at some point. Some wives, however,
do not achieve this intimate, sublime experience. No matter the quality or
quantity of sex, they remain hungry for more. It is as though they are sex-
ually insatiable.
Perhaps you remember the word nymphomania, a derogatory term reserved
for women. No such derogatory term exists for men with excessive sexual
desires. Quite the contrary, men with excessive sexual desires are regarded as
virile and manly. More recently, we have come to recognize that both men
138 DARING WIVES

and women may be sexually insatiable and hunger for more and more sex.
Often their insatiable sexual hunger is related to deep-rooted psychological
factors. Toxic early childhood relations can influence their hunger in adulthood.
Insatiable sexual hunger is not really a desire—an act of will—but rather
a desperate need, a compulsion that is experienced as a craving. The need
is pursued relentlessly like a drug. Although sexual addicts are enslaved to
sex, it is far from being their goal. Rather, the pursuit of sex is in service
of a different goal; sex is used to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression,
anxiety, anger, guilt, or other feelings that are unbearable.1 Like an alcoholic
or drug addict, the sexual addict relentlessly seeks satisfaction from an ex-
ternal source to palliate an internal pain. The sex act is not borne out of
love, but performs the function of a drug. Of no consequence other than
to provide the sex addict with a fix, the sex object is indispensable.
Joyce McDougall, a neo-Freudian psychoanalyst, gives us an in-depth
look at sexual addiction. She writes that the genesis of sexual addiction lies
in early childhood, when the early fusion state of the caregiver-infant bond
persists for an extended time. This may happen if the caregiver suffers from
unbearable psychic pain and uses the infant to palliate her. The caregiver is
then dependent on the infant, and the infant is deprived of a soothing mother
to comfort her distress or to calm her stimulation. Without the identifi-
cation of a “good-enough mother”2 who contains psychological pain or
over-excitement, the infant does not develop her own internal resources
for dealing with psychic pain.3
The growth of the capacity to be alone is hindered, and the young child
constantly seeks the mother whenever she feels threatening psychic distress.
As an adolescent or adult, she is unable to self-soothe in times of psychic
tension. So, she seeks a solution in the external world as she did in infancy
with mother. Sex or other addictive substances are transitory fixes; they pro-
vide instant gratification of somatic or bodily coping mechanisms, rather than
enduring psychological ones.
Fixes provide a state of ecstasy, calm, well-being—nirvana. Alas, fixes pro-
vide only temporary relief. The shot of nirvana during the sex act lasts
only as long as the magic of the sex act wears off, rendering the hungry
addict even more empty, depleted, and fragmented. To quell these painful,
disintegrating feelings, she is compelled to resume her pursuit for her
next fix.
Rather than desiring a sexual partner, the sex addict craves the sexual
object—her fix. She is constantly seeking to repair early deprivations and to
palliate depression, anxiety, and self-esteem blows, particularly when these
feelings are related to frightening adult love relationships.4 What could
be more frightening than frictional marital love relationships?
 SEX GOES AWRY 139

Women exploiting men as fixes to repair old hurts and fears of disintegra-
tion do not exactly tip their hand. If they did, they would not be successful
in getting their needs met. Men—their sex objects—do not know these
women are merely using them as tension-reducing devices. Like alcoholics
and drug addicts, sexual addicts find uncanny, crafty ways to get their
fixes. One of the successful ways female sexual addicts seduce men is to
adopt guises of sex sirens, complete with seductive moods, moans, and moves.
In order to get her fix, the siren lavishes her sex objects with everything
they desire: romance, flattery, and fun—all self-serving. Indeed, she is good,
very good.
A combination of Marilyn Monroe and Madonna, sex sirens are irresistible.
How many men can resist a wily wife who happens to be a sex siren? I
would say, not many. Little does he know what he is getting into; her appeal
is unparalleled. In real siren fashion, she has honed her skills of seducing
men to their destruction. Duped, hapless men fall in love with her, only to
be dumped when they no longer satisfy her.
In the following story, meet a modern-day sex siren who uses men as
sex objects to palliate her psychic pain. You will gain insight into some of
the vulnerabilities of an insatiable sex addict.

Serena’s Serenade in Blue

Serena and Wilbert were in marital therapy to work on a crisis centered on
emotional and sexual incompatibility. A sultry beauty, Serena’s midnight-
blue eyes, tanned skin, and breathy, velvet voice resounded with sensuality.
Long black tresses and skimpy clothes set off her shapely body. In snake-
like fashion, she slithered her way to the couch. There she stretched out
seductively and peered out at me through dark-fringed eyelashes. Her waif-
like “please love me” pleading look belied her frank in-your-face sexiness.
When enraged, Serena’s breathy voice lost its innocence, and the velvet
quality gave way to guttural outpourings. The rage centered on her husband
Wilbert. She complained bitterly that Wilbert assumed a superior attitude
by lecturing to her in a judgmental and moralizing tone. By placing the
blame onto Wilbert, Serena let herself off the hook. Never having been in
therapy, and with a tendency to act and not think, Serena did not see her
role in provoking Wilbert; and provoke she did, in inimitable style.
A seductive mover and shaker, the circles Serena moved and shook things
up in entailed many a sexual rendezvous. In the early stages of the marriage,
sensitive, scholarly Wilbert was thrilled with Serena’s sexual openness. A
writer and college professor, Wilbert maintained a low profile. His well-
trimmed beard, dark spectacles, and tweed, patch-elbow jackets spoke of
erudition. In his fantasy world, Wilbert dreamed of a harem of sirens who
140 DARING WIVES

would arouse him. With Serena he had a harem all in one woman. She was
his dream come true!
It was not that Wilbert did not enjoy sex before he met Serena, but she
was by far his best lover. Sensual, tantalizing, uninhibited, Serena was his
sex siren par excellence! Who could ask for anything more? Initially, her
insatiable sexual needs flattered his sense of masculinity. While she leaned
rather heavily on him for help with problems related to her family and friends,
her helplessness only heightened the Sir Galahad in him. In rescuing her, he
felt even more powerful. At the outset of the marriage, her constant chatter,
sexual needs, and endearing dependence were sweet music to his ears.
The honeymoon lasted three years, when Serena was transformed from
a beautiful dream to a grotesque nightmare. Priding himself on satisfying his
wife sexually, Wilbert could no longer keep up with her insatiable sexual
needs. Her melodious voice had become a cacophony of discordant sounds,
sights, and feelings. Feeling inadequate, he silently withdrew from her.
Wilbert’s withdrawal catapulted Serena into a panic. She felt rejected, dead
inside, anxious, and fragmented.
A cabaret singer, Serena’s lively repertoire was sprinkled with the blues.
Lately the occasional became the habitual. All she could sing were the
blues. Accompanied by a male jazz trio, Serena found more than a willing
partner to dull her pain. If a sex siren fails to seduce her own husband, she
surely feels like a flop. Only another fresh eager husband, like her piano
player, could help her feel like a hit. Sure enough, he did. Together they
made beautiful music.
Serena worked and played with her pianist Greg nightly. During the day,
they met for additional sexual liaisons. Alas, sometimes even good things
come to an end. Wilbert discovered Serena’s sexual liaisons with Greg,
only to feel more inadequate, betrayed, and humiliated. His self-esteem had
plummeted to an all-time low. Wilbert’s rage response was an attempt to
ward off this devastating blow to his self-esteem. In a fit of rage, he threatened
to divorce Serena. His threats brought them into therapy with me. Serena
had never been in therapy before, whereas Wilbert had been in extensive
analysis.
“What did he expect? He asked for it. He’s cold, critical, and sexually
uptight. He’s got all kinds of excuses for not making love to me. He’s too
tired, too stressed, too busy, and too ‘I don’t know what.’ If he doesn’t want
me, what am I supposed to do? Lock it up?” Serena’s strident song was
tinged with sadness.
“You hear how she talks to me. She’s having the affair, not me. Doesn’t she
have any shame, guilt, or remorse?” Wilbert, the know-it-all professor,
looked helplessly lost.
 SEX GOES AWRY 141

“Why should I feel guilty? You’re depriving me of a healthy sex life.

You pushed me into Greg’s arms. It’s your fault, not mine,” she shot back,
baring her teeth.
“She wants sex five times a day. We’re not kids anymore; we’re in our
fifties. Doc, she’s a nymphomaniac.” He was striking back where it hurt.
“A nymphomaniac?” she countered. “You’re just undersexed. You knew
that I had a healthy sexual appetite when you married me. You’re just
making excuses again.”
“You were different then; you were romantic, loving, and caring. Now
all you want is that I should do you. I’m still asleep when you turn me
over and sit on me. I don’t think you want me; you just want my penis.
It’s like you need my penis to plug you up. I don’t want to be used like a
tampon.” The previous analysis coupled with the writer in him was flour-
ishing in full force. Wilbert, a fiction writer of romance, intrigue, and
adventure, had found his match. Serena provided him with an intriguing
adventure, all right, but she no longer provided him with romance.
“What do you make of Wilbert’s metaphor of a tampon?” I asked Serena.
“I don’t know what he’s talking about. I didn’t change; I’m the same as
I’ve always been. He changed; he doesn’t want me anymore. He says that I’m
the problem, but he’s the problem, not me.” Serena’s dark blue eyes welled up.
“I’m the problem? You’ve got nothing but problems. You’re suffocating
me with all your problems and your insatiable sexual needs. You’re always
blue, down in the dumps, and demanding my attention. When your mother
died, you obsessed about it forever. My mother’s got Alzheimer’s and I’ve
lost her too, but I don’t dump on you. Then your kids from your first
marriage didn’t talk to you, and that’s all I heard. You consume all the air.
I’m choking; there’s no room for me.” He waxed articulate and self-aware,
but showed little emotion. It was as though he were relating a story from
his book.
“It sounds like you’re feeling suffocated.” I clarified Wilbert’s feelings.
“Yeah, like I’ll lose myself in her womb and her problems, and I’ll disap-
pear.” Wilbert’s eloquence was dazzling. Again, no emotion. Wilbert spoke
the words without the melody.
“Serena, how do you feel when you hear Wilbert?” I was curious how
his words affected her.
“He’s articulate. After all, he expresses himself for a living. I’m more
emotional; I speak from my heart; he’s more from his head.” She was no
slouch either.
“So you recognize your complementary relational styles. It seems you
have different emotional, cognitive, and sexual styles that you’re unable to
reconcile,” I suggested.
142 DARING WIVES

“You bet. She’s cheating, I’m not.” Self-righteous Wilbert was tooting
his horn.
“You’re cheating me of what I need. It’s your fault that I have Greg.
He fills my needs; you don’t. He listens to me, and he makes love to me.
You don’t do either. You have no feelings; you’re a robot. Greg’s a real
flesh-and-blood man.” She sure knew how to drive her dagger in deep.
“Sure, till you saturate him and flush him down the toilet like you did
to me.” He elaborated on his graphic metaphor.
“I’m leaving. I can’t take him.” Brows furrowed and long hair tossed
back, Serena bolted out of the room in Scarlet O’Hara style. A few minutes
later, fetching smile and all, she slunk back into the room.
Wow! She’s good, really good, and he’s not so bad either. By vying for
power, they alternate positions. They disown parts of themselves and
identify with the other who enacts those parts. So despite their seeming
separateness, they remain fused.
She tramples on his feelings, and he lords it over her. She acts and he
talks. She’s split off her cognitive side and he acts it out, whereas he’s
split off his emotional side and she acts it out. Sometimes words are stronger
than actions. She gains power with her extramarital affair, dumping on
his self-worth. In turn, he saves himself and gains power by taking
the high road, and delegating her to the low road. Then they blame each
other, without an understanding of each other. How sad. I feel for both of
them. They both seem to be good people suffering bad blows to self-esteem
and other painful emotions. By bashing each other, they add salt to
old wounds.
I suggested a goal. “I see that you’re both busy blaming each other rather
than trying to understand each other. I think you both have internal pain that
you’re not aware of. It’s important to uncover old hurts in order to understand
your misdirected efforts at finding cures.”
“I don’t want to be in the same room as him. Can I see you alone?” Serena
implored me.
“Wilbert, how do you feel about that?” I asked.
“It would be good for her. She’s never been in therapy before. I have.
She doesn’t know how to talk about things. In her family no one talked;
everything was swept under the rug. My family was calm, cool, and col-
lected. They communicated in a rational way. She doesn’t know how to
do that.” His patronizing, condescending manner cut to the core.
“Serena, how do you feel about what Wilbert said?” I wanted to see if
she would rise to the challenge.
 SEX GOES AWRY 143

“He’s treating me like a stupid child. That’s what he always does. He’s the
big know-it-all, and I’m the dumb little wife.” In her direct manner, Serena
got her licks in.
“Do you feel like a dumb little wife?” I asked her.
“With Wilbert I do. He demoralizes me. I know you help women to
feel empowered, and I want to see you without Wilbert.” She maintained
her stance and desire for separateness.
“That’s just fine with me. Focus on her, Doc. I don’t need any more
therapy. I’ve had plenty.” Wilbert’s retort, once again, placed him in the
one-up position.
I agreed to work with Serena on a one-on-one basis, until they were
ready to get together. At this point, Serena did not think she was in love
with Wilbert any longer. She agreed to get to know herself better and
then to make a decision about the marriage. While Wilbert was still in love
with Serena, he also understood that the marriage would not survive unless
she felt the same way.
In my work with Serena, she disclosed a history of desperately seeking
sexual satisfaction that went back to adolescence with roots in childhood.
She also revealed a pervasive depression, emptiness, anxiety, and fears of aban-
donment that threatened to fragment her fragile self. The only relief of her
intolerable psychic tension lay in sexual activity.
In therapy, Serena veered from subject to subject, looking off into space,
and suddenly returning with a blank stare. I wondered if she was artfully
dodging me. Indeed, pursuing her, I was always following her. So, she took
control of the relationship.
This may be part of her mystique, her ineffable appeal. Or she may be
fearful of letting go of control and so she needs to be in control of me. Then
again, she may just be so fragmented internally. Perhaps it’s not an either
or, but it’s all of these that I’m experiencing with Serena. She’s a complex
woman, as most interesting women are.
The genesis of her inner turmoil lay in early childhood. Through sexual
satisfaction, she valiantly sought a cure for her damaged self. Often a child
has an absent father and a present mother. Her mother Charlene was present,
in an intrusive, clinging, suffocating way, and her father Harry was absent in
a tantalizing, distant way. His frequent travels took him to exotic places that
were kept under wraps. Serena thought he lived a double life.
When her father returned home, he was a regular husband, albeit an
inattentive and critical one. Serena was his little darling. Holding her on his
lap, he stroked her and told her she was his favorite girl. On his secret
trips, Serena imagined him as a dashing CIA agent with several lovelies in
144 DARING WIVES

his bed—a real-life James Bond! She dreamed about being his top girl,
and he colluded with the wishes. So, the oedipal conflict with a seductive,
absent father raged on unresolved to take shape in her sexual exploits later
on. She could not seduce her father sexually, but she sure learned how to
seduce substitute fathers.
Charlene, Serena’s mother, remained loyal to her husband, adoring him
and longing for him in his absence. A lonely, depressed wife, Charlene
suffered in silence. She found solace in her only child, little Serena. In
motherhood, Charlene felt whole, alive, and worthwhile. Charlene and
her mother, Serena’s grandmother, had an inordinately close relationship
and Charlene replicated the same relationship with her daughter, Serena.
Just as Charlene had worshipped her mother, Serena worshipped her
mother—an intergenerational transmission of fused mother-daughter bonds.
Feeling depleted and missing a husband, Charlene turned all her attentions
to Serena. Unwittingly, Charlene used Serena to palliate her pain. By using
Serena as a soothing object, Charlene stifled Serena’s growth. As an exten-
sion of her mother, Serena’s true self was subverted into a false self—in com-
pliance with her mother’s needs and not her own authentic needs.5
Instead of internalizing a soothing maternal figure, Serena internalized an
intrusive, overpowering one who threatened her developing self. Infants
need a good-enough mother,6 in whose presence they can be alone to de-
velop their own internal resources for coping with psychic tension. Little
Serena was deprived of such a maternal representation. In the wake of
intense stress, depression, anxiety, or excessive stimulation, Serena felt over-
whelmed and fragmented.
Before Serena could cry, her mother cheered her up; before she could
fall, her mother picked her up; and before she could show anger, her mother
hushed her. With her overprotective parenting, Serena did not develop a
sense of self-mastery or a way to cope with intense emotions. Not able to
rely on herself, Serena desperately clung to her mother.
A steady twosome, Serena and her mother ate together, slept in the same
bed, and palled around together. At a young age, Serena accompanied her
mother to adult romance movies and concerts, much like a beau. Serena
remembered being her mother’s shadow, and the terrible time she had
separating from her to go to school. Indeed, Serena never learned to be
alone. As a child, the thought of being alone terrorized her, and she began
to masturbate profusely to calm her terror.
During adolescence, Serena discovered the joys of sex with boys, which
far surpassed those of masturbation.
“I sat in the back of the bus, with three guys on the way to the foot-
ball game. They each took turns getting me off, and then I did them. We
 SEX GOES AWRY 145

hid behind a blanket so no one saw us. I had lots of guys after me.” She seemed
pleased with herself.
“So, you put out for the boys and you were popular,” I suggested.
“You sound judgmental, just like Wilbert. I needed them. I craved sex
back then. I still do. It’s how I feel alive and vibrant.” Without shame or
embarrassment, Serena brazenly disclosed some of her secret self.
I was judgmental. What was I thinking of? Serena’s not a promiscuous
tramp, putting out for boys; she’s a desperate little girl seeking a solution
to her pain.
“I value your frank disclosure, but I’m not perfect. I goofed and I’m sorry
I hurt your feelings.” My disclosure exposed my fallibility. I hoped our
bond was strong enough to withstand the empathic failure, and it would
allow her space for her fallibility.
“I feel bad that I struck out at you. It’s not your fault.” She was quick
to protect me.
I made connections. “I notice that you came to my rescue quickly, and
protected me at your expense. Do you recall early experiences where you
protected your mother?”
“Mom cried a lot, and I comforted her. Sometimes, she was too tired to
cook or clean, so I did it for her. I remember she spilled some hot coffee
on me, and started to shriek. I had a third-degree burn, but I had to calm
her down. She was so anxious.” Tears streamed down her face as she re-
called her poignant childhood.
“So you were the little mother and little husband to your mother. Who
was there for you?” Her sadness penetrated my every fiber. Tears filled
my eyes, and I averted her glance. Quickly, I recovered and looked back
at her.
“I see you’re moved. Thanks so much. It’s so good to know that I can
have an impact on you.” Serena was amazing!
“The roles were reversed with your mother and you. And you were hurt
badly. It seems you’re seeking someone to heal you,” I interpreted.
“I’m in perpetual state of needing someone to heal me. It’s like there’s a
gaping wound that doesn’t mend. Sex is the best medicine,” she explained.
I was taken aback by her articulate self-awareness. So, without Wilbert, her
strengths emerge.
“I understand. Does it matter much who the doctor is who administers
your medicine?” I probed further.
“I never thought of it that way. But come to think of it, I’ve had a
lot of doctors, mostly interns, not too experienced. Before Greg there was
the UPS guy Phil. He delivered more than my parcels. I invited him into
146 DARING WIVES

the house for a cup of coffee, and before you knew it we were making it
on the kitchen floor. My back was sore, but my soul soared. The high lasted
about four hours, and then I felt ashamed of myself, hating myself. Phil
wasn’t my type: short, chubby, and boring. I like more serious, strong, ex-
citing types. Nevertheless, I found myself reaching into my purse for his
phone number. This affair lasted four months. He was devastated when I
told him it was over.” Serena stayed right on track.
“I can imagine.” I could.
“Well, after Phil there was Sal, the produce guy. He’s a stunning hot
Italian with dark curly hair and a buff body. He may not have been much
to talk to, but he sure was good at other things.” She shot me a “just between
us” look and winked mischievously.
“I think you’re teasing me.” I laughed. She joined me, and we both
enjoyed the levity that softened the underlying sorrow and pain.
“It wasn’t only sex that he was good at. Sal was a super produce guy. I
can never tell if a melon’s ripe, but he was an expert picker. While he
examined the fruits and vegetables, he looked me over. I could tell he was
dying to examine me further. I got that old ache back and we made a date
for later that day.” She was candid, all right. Her stories were seductive, but
there was a similarity—a pattern.
“So you were the pick of the crop. Was he?” I asked.
“Not exactly. He was firm on the surface, but mushy inside, like an
overripe fruit. He fell in love with me, wanted me to leave my husband
and live with him. That was out of the question, so I had to end it. He was
destroyed for a long while and kept calling me. I felt bad for him, but I
knew it wouldn’t work,” she explained.
“It sounds like you’re so fearful of being alone, so fearful of falling apart
that you’re constantly seeking someone to fill you in. Like a drug, sex is
your fix; and like a fix, the effects wear off quickly and you feel worse than
before. So, you feel compelled to find yet another fix,” I interpreted.
“I get it. You’ve explained how this happened with my lousy childhood.
And I’ve thought about it. So, how can I change?” Her blue eyes beseeched me.
She’s ready and raring to go. She sure is a mover and shaker—a truly
daring wife.
“When we use external devices like drugs, alcohol, or sex, the effects
are transitory. By developing internal psychological coping mechanisms, the
effects can be lasting. You have made considerable strides, and I’m hopeful
you can do it. It took considerable strength and ingenuity to come up with
your sex solution to pain and tension reduction. So, we’ll work together
to change your direction.” I offered some interpretation and an honest
 SEX GOES AWRY 147

appraisal. Indeed, while Serena’s sex solution was misguided, it showed

her survivor instincts.
In continued work, we focused on Serena’s assets other than her sexual
prowess. Slowly her power base moved from seducing men to their de-
struction, to taking control of her internal states. Serena learned to be alone
in my presence, where I listened, did not intervene, and allowed her to
save herself. She feared going down a long tunnel to her demise. I gently
guided her down the hole, and she felt supported. To her surprise, rather
than the Terminator, she met with Peter Pan.
Her marriage with Wilbert needed a lot of work. As Serena progressed,
Wilbert felt more confident in doing some marital work. His arrogance
did not help her to overcome her feelings of inadequacy and deprivation.
Serena seemed to have more compassion with Wilbert and decided she
wanted to try to work on the marriage. Wilbert agreed. They have a lot of
repair to make within themselves and between themselves.
In the above story you met a tragic waif-wanton woman—a sex siren.
Just under the surface of her seductive wiles lay a lonely, deprived, damaged
little girl. She used sex as her fix to ward off intense fear of disintegration.
An early poignant childhood, a culture of sexual media messages, and a
condescending husband all figured into the picture. Yet, Serena was daring
in many ways. Not only did she dare to defy the double standard with
extramarital affairs, Serena dared to examine her painful past and try to
change her present in order to pave the way for a brighter future. Serena
was plucky, all right. How many of us can match her moxie?
In the above section you read about one variant of sexuality in which
you saw how the fair sex can also be fallible. Soon you will encounter
another daring wife, engaged in yet another variation of sexuality. You will
learn more about the darker aspects of some of the fair sex. Before you
embark on this treacherous leg of the journey, I will offer you some thoughts
that will ease the way.

SURRENDER AND SUBMISSION

If you surrender to the air, you can ride it.
—Toni Morrison

When love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love
is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.
—Carl Gustav Jung7

As we have seen in the historical review at the beginning of the book,

women’s sexuality is profoundly influenced by culture. It also emerges
from within childhood patterns of relating that get played out in adult
148 DARING WIVES

erotic relationships and from internal strivings. For some wives, mutual sexual
arousal is the most intimate, sublime experience imaginable.8 They are able
to surrender themselves to the other and lose themselves in the experience,
only to expand their selves and find their true, authentic selves.9,10
Sex is highly personal and differs for all of us. We never really know what
another person’s subjective experience is really like.11 A wife can tell if her
husband reached orgasm, but he does not know for sure if she has. She can
fake it. In the past, wives who did not reach orgasm were considered frigid—
physically defective. In order to avoid shame and stigma, wives faked orgasm.
Some still do. With the exception of medications or illness, orgasm is psycho-
logical, not physical. Orgasm involves surrender.
Surrender has multiple layers of meaning for wives. Not all wives feel
free to surrender sexually with husbands. The free expression of women’s
sexuality has been hampered by societal influences. Women’s sexuality has
been threatening to men for years. Men are still haunted by the old historical
theme of sexually voracious female predators. Women have been branded as
dangerous, insatiable vampires cannibalizing men.12 In the above poignant story,
Serena was one of these hapless women. In direct contrast, in the nineteenth
century, women were denigrated as sexless, without sexual desire.13
It seems women cannot win. They have been perceived as either too hot
or too cold. Hence, women may deny their sexual desires or inhibit their
free abandon to sexual surrender. Indeed, they may not want to want.14
They may fear that tender, vulnerable feelings arising from surrender with
husbands will be trampled. Trusting themselves in the presence of an intimate
partner is an anathema. Protecting themselves by refraining from surrender to
erotic union, they miss out on the transcendent, sublime, oceanic experience.
It is mainly fear that holds people back from sexual surrender and love. Fear
kills love.15 To arrive at the expansive moment of surrender, wives must first
unshackle themselves from the constraints of fear. But, often that is easier said
than done. Early noxious experience may prohibit trust in erotic relating.
Other psychological factors also inhibit surrender and authentic expression
of desires. Surrender of one’s self with another who can frustrate, tease,
discard, reject, or gratify is exciting to some, and terrifying to others.16
Traumatic childhood experience may rear its ugly head to intrude on sexual
passion and inhibit surrender.
Surrender also involves relinquishing self-control. Letting go of self-
control may arouse the terror of loss of one’s hold on reality, disintegration
by inner forces, or inability to defend against dangerous external forces.17
For others, however, it may be the ultimate transcendent experience. In an
early toxic environment, it may have been dangerous to let one’s guard
down, so self-control was a crucial form of protection.
 SEX GOES AWRY 149

Surrender is often confused with submission. In the West, surrender means

defeat, to surrender your arms. In the East, surrender means transcendence,
liberation. Surrender entails an expansion of the self—freeing the self.18 In
surrender there is only the ecstasy of the moment, without impingement
from painful past experience. Tragic childhood experience distorts the true
self into a false self of defensive barriers that block energy and growth.19
The goal in therapy is to unshackle ourselves from our childhood bonds and
false selves in order to release the true self that creates new experience. With
insight, we can let go of defensive barriers to surrender to our true, authentic
selves. Surrender is in service of growth.
Submission is a perversion of surrender. Submission means you lose your-
self in the power of the master and become enslaved to him. If he controls
you, you are collapsed into him, and you cease to exist. If you control him,
he is collapsed into you, and he ceases to exist.20 So, submission is self-
negating, whereas surrender is self-affirming. The dialectic of domination
and submission underlies the slave-master relationship, whereas in surrender
there is no such dialectic. The erotic union that entails surrender is a mutual
power relationship of sharing experience.
The erotic union is found in the paradox of difference and sameness,
distance and merger, and recognition of each other as unique, yet united
by similar feelings.21 By sharing in an ultimate pleasure, you expand yourself,
rather than collapse yourself into another. Not everyone, however, can live
with paradox, and so surrender in sex can become distorted.
It is not difficult to see how sex in marriage may go awry. Surrender
with a husband may be dangerous, so a wife may seek surrender elsewhere.
She may fear surrendering to a husband and losing control. To feel in control
she may want him to submit to her. Should he refuse to play this game of
domination and submission, she may find other willing partners, as her earlier
sisters did.
Domination and submission, the basis of sadomasochism, were popularized
in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries by writers like Marquis de Sade
and Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch.22 Masochistic men sought female
flagellates to whip them, and some brothels specialized in sadomasochism.
That was then, and this is now. Femme fatales still dominate and flagellate
men. In the following case study, meet a wife who dared to practice her art
of domination with men outside of her marriage. You could easily view her
as femme fatale, but there is more to the story than meets the eye.

Eve’s Ghostly Garden of Evils

It was one of those dull, late winter days, with trees unclad and sun still low
in the sky. A drizzling rain went on and on. But like the weather, life is
150 DARING WIVES

not certain. Out of the blue, events can change everything in an instant. If we
are lucky, exciting new devilish experience comes our way. If we surrender to
the moment, the experience will stretch our horizons. Such was my growth
experience with Eve. I learned a lot from her, and she said she learned from
me. It all began with a phone call.
“I have to make an appointment with you,” a disembodied voice whis-
pered over the telephone wires.
“Have to?” My curiosity was aroused.
“Yeah, I’m on probation and the cops say I have to be in therapy.” Her
dull emotions matched the day.
“And how do you feel about embarking on a therapeutic journey?” I asked.
“Well, I might as well. I’ve embarked on a lot of journeys, so why not
this one?” Her words were compelling. I am always fascinated by daring
women. Was she one of them?
We made an appointment, and she arrived right on time. This was a
good sign. Light brown hair tied back in a ponytail, little to no makeup, and
loosely fitting slacks in an attempt to disguise her pear-shaped body, Eve
looked like a regular suburban housewife on the way to grocery shop. I
soon found out she was anything but a regular housewife.
“My life’s a mess. The police caught me in a motel with a guy, and
my husband wants to divorce me.” No eye contact, no expression of
desperation.
A ha! I remember the scandalous story of a suburban housewife in a hot-
bed motel with paid male customers. Who could forget it? A salacious
woman in our sleepy, staid suburb! She sure doesn’t look too spicy!
What gives?
“How did this all come about?” I asked.
In a dispassionate monotone voice, she began to tell her tale. “My hus-
band’s a control freak. Ryan is on a power trip with me.”
“How does he do that?” I inquired.
“He controls the money, how I walk, and how I talk. I have to ask him
for money every day. He yells that I spend too much. As you can see I’m
not wearing expensive clothes, handbags, jewelry, or anything. I wear clothes
from the Gap. You know what he wears? He wears Armani clothes. He
tells me I waddle like a duck; well, he struts like a peacock. You won’t
believe this, but he calls me a fat piece of crap. Sure, I’ve gained a few
pounds, but he’s no oil painting, with his beer belly and gold chains.” The
words tumbled out without any expression. It was as though she were talking
about someone else, not herself or her detested husband.
 SEX GOES AWRY 151

I went for some emotions. “So, your husband humiliates and dominates
you. How do you feel about that?”
“I’m used to it. It doesn’t bother me,” she replied coolly.
“Doesn’t bother you? How do you manage that?” I was incredulous.
“I shut him out. I turn my switch off,” she explained in the same flat voice.
“Do you ever turn your switch back on?” She sure was a mystery.
She responded, and I spotted a spark. “Sure I do. That’s where the motel
and the guys come in. I get turned on with them. There I’m myself. My
husband complains that I’m frigid.”
“Do you think you’re frigid?” I asked.
“I can’t orgasm with my husband, but I can reach orgasm by masturbation
and by other ways,” she taunted me.
“What other ways?” I had to hear this.
“The cops don’t know and my husband doesn’t know, so I have to be
sure this is confidential.” Eve was not ready to trust me.
I explained the parameters of the privacy laws. “Everything is confidential
unless you are at harm of hurting yourself or someone else or in the event
of child abuse. Then I have to break confidentiality.”
She shrugged off my remarked. “I do hurt men, but they ask for it.
Anyhow, what I do isn’t life-threatening.”
She’s tantalizing me and she’s whetted my prurient interest. Wow!
“I’m a dominatrix. What I do’s something like what you do. It’s an art. I
know you spend a lot of time studying your art and I do, too,” she explained.
As analysts we’ve been compared to a lot of things: a dentist maybe, but
never a dominatrix. Does she think I will dominate her, whip her, or
humiliate her? What am I thinking? I’m clearly out of my league. I’ve
read about femme fatales and sadomasochism, but I’ve never met a real-
life dominatrix!
“Do you think I’ll punish you?” I asked.
“No, but I may punish you. You may judge me, like the last therapist.
He warned me that I was headed for Hell. I told him to go to Hell. I can
be blunt.” Her tepid temperature shot up a couple of degrees.
Do I see a fleeting feeling? I wonder how she learned to disconnect from
her feeling.
“I see. Try me,” I challenged her.
“Well, better still. Here’s a picture. They say a picture’s worth a thousand
words, and so I can save some money here.” Her sense of humor was at
play. Reaching into her handbag, she pulled out a photo.
152 DARING WIVES

“Wow! I wouldn’t have recognized you. That’s quite a pose!” I was

stunned. The transformation from an average suburban housewife to an
imperious dominatrix whipping a subservient man was a sight to behold!
The photo showed brilliant, long auburn hair that flowed down her red satin
robe trimmed in black fur. The open robe revealed high leather boots, a
black leather thong, flaring hips, and pointed breast plates.
In the photo, Eve peered icily through glistening green eyes at a little
bald man. Blindfolded, on his knees, he appeared to be pleading with her.
In her left hand, she wielded a long, tapered whip, reserving her right
hand for even more torture. On the table I could see whips studded with
needlepoints and nails. The smile on her face was one of triumph.
“You seem to feel triumphant,” I remarked.
“Sure I do. He’s such a loser. All men are. Get this. See this sap. I tie
him up, hold up the whip, and sashay around the room. Then he gets on
his hands and knees like a puppy dog. He begs me to whip him, to spit on him,
to piss on him. The more I punish and humiliate him, the more he
wants.” The refrigerator look in the picture was back. I suppressed a shudder.
She gets turned on by just telling me about it. I’m feeling dizzy and
disoriented. Am I turned on? Like her masochistic customer, I’m dying
to hear more of her disturbing, but titillating story. As a professional, I
have a responsibility to society, so I have to toe the line. I must find out how
far she goes. She may mortally wound these men. I may be looking at
a cruel Cleopatra who served her nightly lovers up on deathbeds. Wow!
“Do you ever maim or mutilate these men?” I asked.
“Not on your life. I’m a professional, not an amateur. They don’t know
when to stop, but I do. I don’t go in for blood sports, death scenes, or any
perversions. If my husband knew what I did, he’d call me a pervert, but
I’m not. I have savoir-faire. I torture them only to a point. Then I take off
their mask and let them see me masturbate. They beg me to untie them,
but I don’t let them touch me. They masturbate themselves, and we never
have intercourse. So, it’s not like this is adultery. I don’t have sex with these
masochistic guys. I give them what they want, and I get what I want.”
She was explicit. I was relieved that she did not harm the men.
“And what exactly do you want?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I know I hate their weakness,” she responded quickly.
“Perhaps at an unconscious level you want them to be strong and stop
you, but they don’t. They do not survive you, they collapse into you,”
I interpreted.
The preeminent feminist and psychoanalyst Jessica Benjamin23 has written
cogent work on sadomasochism. The sadistic dominatrix usurps the power
 SEX GOES AWRY 153

and inflicts pain, all the while wishing that the masochist will not crumble
or retaliate. She seeks someone who can withstand her attack and survive it.
Her search, however, is prejudged by her childhood disappointment with
a caregiver who did not survive her. Her masochistic customers do not
survive her, either. They usually just collapse into her, crumble, and cease
to exist.
The sadist’s unconscious wish is that the masochist will withstand her
attack. In this way she has a real person outside of herself, rather than a
non-person who has been swallowed up by her. She can then recognize
him as a separate individual, and she is not alone. In early childhood,
she was unable to achieve this separateness with her caregiver. In adult
erotic union she keeps repeating this sadomasochistic pattern of relating.
Unconsciously she wishes to finally get it right by fixing the damaged
caregiver so she can be there for her child. Then the child can have a true
self and surrender freely.24
In our continued work together, the ghosts that haunted Eve began to
reveal themselves. Her ghosts were anything but friendly; they were fiendish.
Eve remembered herself as an angry child with violent temper tantrums.
Her mother, a depressed alcoholic, simply collapsed into tears when her
daughter lost her temper. She was ineffective in setting limits or meting out
punishment for Eve. As she grew older, Eve’s rage knew no bounds. With
impunity, she abused her mother mercilessly. She even struck her mother,
but the only response she got was that her mother cried, drank some more,
and collapsed on the floor.
Eve’s parents stayed together in a loveless marriage. Her mother drank,
did not work, and cared for her children minimally. After school, Eve often
came home to a filthy home with her mother in bed. Her mother tried to
sober up, but she did not quite make it. Eyes bloodshot and empty, her
mother stared off into space. So, Eve never really knew a “good-enough
mother.”25 Eve’s rage was directed partly at her mother, and to a greater
part at her father.
Our work revealed a tragic and traumatic history of incest. By her
father’s abuse of power, he betrayed Eve’s body and murdered her soul.
Her fragile mother was so out of it that she did not see, or want to see,
what was going on. When little Eve tried to enlist her support, her mother
told her not to lie, as lying was a sin. So helpless, hapless Eve had no one
to whom she could turn.
At age ten, Eve lost her innocence to her cruel, sadistic father. Not
only did he penetrate her vaginally, he did so anally. She blocked out the
excruciating pain by disconnecting from the moment, and taking control of
her mind—the only thing she could control. She explained that her mind
154 DARING WIVES

left her body to go up to a corner in the ceiling. Looking down on herself,

she saw a little girl safe in the arms of her mother. Later in adult erotic
union, she feared surrendering to self-control, as she might be violated again.
Her fear of surrender played out on the marriage. Surrender with her hus-
band Ryan signaled abject subjugation, much like she suffered at the hands
of her father. Ryan’s controlling ways did not help matters any.
When young children experience events that are too horrific to assimi-
late, they make accommodations. Eve’s accommodation was to dissociate all
feelings from the ghastly moment. Her dissociated state, a valiant effort to
survive the cruel abuse, was the training ground for her later tendency
to disconnect her feelings from her thoughts.
Infants enter the world with the assumptions of a benign world with
good-enough caretakers; a fair world with a sense of meaning, where good
things happen to good people. All of these assumptions are shattered when
a trusted parent sexually abuses a child. She loses trust in others; engages
in impaired relationships; and suffers depression, anxiety, and a host of
posttraumatic symptoms.26 Eve was plagued with recurrent nightmares and
intrusive thoughts and suffered from distrust, depression, and anxiety. Mostly,
she loathed herself and viewed herself as damaged goods. Dependent on the
powerful parent, the powerless child must preserve the image of the parent
as the good one and blame herself instead.
In her dominatrix role, powerless little Eve identified with her powerful
father—the aggressor. In dispensing punishment to the masochistic men, she
adopted her father’s brutally abusive stance. She could not stop her sadistic
father, and the masochistic men did not stop her. Eve was repeating an old
sordid script, unconsciously wishing to finally get it right.
The intense work has been excruciatingly painful for both of us. Un-
earthing evil ghosts traumatized her. I explained that our goal was to transform
those fearful ghosts to non-threatening ancestors with whom she could live
and grow.
Often, Eve stormed out in tears. I saw this as a breakthrough. She seemed
to feel safe enough to express feelings in my presence. When she was verbally
abusive, I set limits that met with hollering and further insulting. With great
difficulty, I stayed firm.
Once she told me that she wanted to string me up by my fallopian tubes.
This one got to me, and I suddenly feared she was going off the deep end.
I consulted a colleague who helped me to gather myself and tell Eve, in no
uncertain terms, that I could not work with her if I felt endangered, and
that she would have to cool it. She did cool it. She apologized for scaring
me. Eve was beginning to see me as a separate person with my own needs
and desires.
 SEX GOES AWRY 155

There are still many starts and stops, but progress is slowly being made.
Eve’s husband Ryan has also survived the shock of discovering just what
Eve was up to at the motels. As she predicted, he did call her a pervert, but
as he became aware of her tragic childhood and his role in perpetuating
the dynamic, he felt compassion for her. Ryan is now a part of her team
and is interested in learning about a shared power relationship with mutual
trust, respect, love, and romance. So is Eve. She hopes that in time, she
will surrender with Ryan and not fear being attacked. Eve is striving for
growth and transformation.
In the above story I worked with a femme fatale whose tragic childhood
warped her sexuality. Her sadistic father betrayed her, as did her fragile
mother. Deprived of a good-enough mother or father, she searched for her
authentic self in misguided ways that women have in the past.
I have worked with numerous incest survivors and children of alcoholic
parents. Working with a dominatrix was a first. Through this experience,
Eve and I are listening, learning, and moving toward growth. I am indebted
to her and to all the daring wives who shared their inner lives with me.
In the above two cases, I examined the poignant inner lives of wives who
engaged in variations of sexual expression. One was a sexual addict, and the
other was a dominatrix. These are only two examples of the panoply of
sexual proclivities and practices. If you notice, I use the term variations and
not perversions. Variations does not place value judgments on human sexuality.
As such, it inspires our curiosity and expands our horizons. Perversions is a
pejorative term that places a straitjacket of prejudice and discrimination that
constrains understanding and diminishes our world.
11
Conclusion
IMPLICATIONS FOR MARRIAGE AND AMERICAN SOCIETY

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

—Mahatma Gandhi

Sacred marital vows are spoken by millions of Americans every day. They
are also broken every day. While not all American couples follow these
painful paths, many do. Husbands and wives engage in extramarital affairs,
hurt each other, divorce, and disrupt the security of young children’s
lives. Nevertheless, hopeful Americans continue to marry every day. You
may wonder, why marry? Is it blind faith, naiveté, hubris, or hope? Perhaps it
is an amalgam of all of these. Most important, over the centuries Americans
have married because sex and love within the sanctity of marriage have
been central for happiness and fulfillment. Of course, other reasons may
enter the picture. No matter the infidelities and vicissitudes, I have no
doubt marriage will continue to be vital for meaningful lives. Not in the
same form, but marriage will reshape itself, only to reshape itself again
and again.
Women’s infidelity—enacted over the centuries—will also reshape itself
again and again. It has in the past and will continue to do so in the future.
In the fourteenth century, the game of courtly love set the stage for noble,
older wives to play around with younger male troubadours of a lower
station. Some of these wives entered into arranged marriages with older men
they did not love. So the affairs were an escape from loveless marriages.
Most wives, however, played this game as a frivolous dalliance that was the
fashion of the day. Whereas older wives with younger lovers are part of
the American scene today, most modern wives are decidedly not noble,
158 DARING WIVES

frivolous, or dilettantes. Struggling with existential angst related to aging or

discordant marriages, some daring wives try to renew themselves with
younger lovers. Others simply feel more compatible with younger men.
The reaction by society has also changed. Fourteenth-century daring
wives were neither condemned, nor did they come to a bad end like their
nineteenth-century sisters. In our current society, we do not pin red letters
on wives who engage in extramarital affairs, nor do unfaithful wives kill
themselves. But harsh arbitrary judgments, castigations, and even punitive
measures persist.
Despite the sexually repressive social mores of the nineteenth century,
wives engaged in extramarital affairs. Often they defied their oppressive
husbands, lives, and the draconian double standard. The dam of repressed
feelings finally overflowed in the twentieth century under the leadership of
the women’s liberation movement. Feminism raised women’s consciousness
and awakened their sexual desires.
Inspired by the sociopolitical sexual revolution, some wives had extramari-
tal affairs merely to experience their raw, unfettered sexuality. Research
reports1, 2 and my clinical experience indicate that wives today—not with-
standing the myriad of personal factors—act on their desires for extramarital
affairs mainly in response to marital dissatisfaction and not merely to express
their sexuality.
Given the robust research and clinical evidence, it follows that reshaping
marriage is the key to reshaping women’s infidelity. As women’s infidelity
reshapes itself, it will in turn affect marriage and society. It is a continuous
loop, with no beginning or end. I have aspired to demonstrate how history,
culture, and insight into psychological problems are constantly interpenetrat-
ing to shape and reshape women’s infidelity, marriage, and society.
I have also tried to show the role that our current climate plays in mar-
ried life, and the discontents that influence women to engage in extramarital
affairs. One pervasive societal influence that gives rise to changing problems
in marriage is the changing economic conditions. The high cost of living
has transported scores of wives, raising children, off to the workplace. Marriages
are unduly stressed by wives’ dual roles of homemaker and career.
Husbands are working long and laborious hours to keep up with their
costly lifestyles, and are not emotionally available to wives. Stay-at-home
wives, stuck in drab, humdrum, thankless lives of domesticity miss the
colorful, exciting careers they left behind. They also resent their husbands,
whose work brings them excitement and acknowledgment. Feeling dismissed
or ignored by husbands, wives seek affirmation in extramarital affairs.
Another recent societal phenomenon that places stress and strain on mar-
riage is that of remarriage and stepfamilies. With 50 percent of marriages
 CONCLUSION 159

ending in divorce, stepfamilies and remarriages compose a great part of the

American landscape. Remarriages bring novel problems. Unwilling to loosen
prior ties, partners carry over old baggage that impacts remarriages. Prolonged
attachments to former spouses or problems incurred by stepchildren interfere
with romance and intimacy in the remarriage. Resisting an unencumbered,
sexy lover on the scene is difficult indeed.
Same-sex affairs, a sign of the times, have implications for marriage and
American society. If ever there were a poster child for intolerance, prejudice,
and discrimination, the double whammy of wives engaging in extramari-
tal affairs with other women might well be it. Harsh prejudicial judgment
of wives’ sexual orientations has done nothing to strengthen marriage and
society. Rather, intolerance and discrimination have brought humiliation,
alienation, and persecution to innocent people whose sexual orientations
differ from the heterosexual status quo. Since the individual is a microcosm
of a societal macrocosm, our view of wives with same-sex affairs is directly
related to our view of diversity in American society.
In a similar vein, I have examined variations in sexuality expressed by
some wives. With a history of male domination and female submission, some
wives today fear submission, and encounter problems in sexual surrender with
husbands. You met two wives who desired variants of erotic enactments in
which their husbands refused to participate. Stepping outside of the marriage,
they found numerous eager lovers to participate in variations of sex.
One wife chose to transform herself into a dominatrix and torture willing
masochistic partners. Another wife used men as objects, similar to drugs, to
fill an insatiable hunger. When you first encountered these women, you
may have experienced disbelief, disgust, or moral indignation. Then again,
you may have experienced fascination. Initially, you may have regarded
them as perverts. How about after you learned about their tragic childhood ex-
periences? How did you feel after reading about their horrific histories that
stirred the pot to boiling, indelibly scalding them and deforming their sexuality?
I will bet that by gaining insight into their traumatic pasts, you viewed
these women’s stories of sexual variations as tragic and poignant rather than
sordid and perverse. Instead of a rush to judgment about others engaged
in sexual practices that differ from one’s preferences, insight to individual
situations and psyches brings empathy. Therein lies hope for tolerance of
diversity and a united—rather than divided—society.
Many of the overarching problems in marriage parallel those of society,
as do solutions. Greater harmony in marital relationships can be training
grounds for greater harmony in sociopolitical relationships. Mutual recogni-
tion, understanding, empathy, power, respect, and reciprocity have reverber-
ated throughout the text. Not only does a shortage of awareness and skewed
160 DARING WIVES

power relations bring strife to the private sector, it also brings strife to the
public sphere. Disenfranchised people of diverse races, colors, ethnicities, reli-
gions, and sexual orientations are its victims. Oh, if only we could understand
each others’ plight in both marriage and in society!
Male domination and female submission are a loud bell that has echoed
through the ages. Transformed by sociopolitical forces, wives were rendered
into submissive, passive, powerless, delicate creatures—objects to others. The
second wave of feminism has awakened women’s sense of agency, power,
strength, and subjectivity. Yet, too often one foot remains stuck in the past.
Women compose over half the population of American society, presenting
an urgent cry for them to show their stuff. Women’s capacity for nuance
and flexibility helps them to access and exercise their multiple sides. Tough and
also tender, competitive and also cooperative, loving and also firm, good girls
and also bad girls, we are subjects of our desires and also objects to others.
Embracing both sides of the coin, we can create a space for dialogue. In the
process, marriage and society have much to gain.
Lessons learned from marriage can transcend the individual to help society.
In both marriage and society, it takes neither free abandon to willful acts
nor tight, rigid, constraints, but both—a dialect between acting impulsively
on a whim and paralytic restraint. This type of dialectic is just one of the
ways that facilitate reshape and change in marriage and society.
Reshaping marriage and American society begins with you and me. Each
of us is an individual whose actions affect not only marriage, but also American
society. I am hopeful that change can be made in marriage and also in society.
We all want meaningful and fulfilling lives, yet infidelity and psychic pain
persist. Just as there is no one reason for infidelity, personal suffering, or
sociopolitical suffering, there is no one solution. I have outlined just a few
of the myriad emotional states—wild ecstasies, dark despair, heart-rending
dilemmas, and optimistic solutions—experienced by wives. My hope is that
you will resonate with these daring wives and be inspired to make fresh
choices and changes. I believe if women will it, we can do it. Women have
always created change and will continue to do so.
Feminism has raised our self-awareness and introduced us to our agency,
autonomy, will, and ability to make choices. It takes a daring wife to choose
an extramarital affair, but it takes an even more daring wife to choose to
confront herself, gain insight, and work through her personal and marital
problems. Armed with knowledge, daring wives acquire the tools to make
choices. It also takes courage to change. Over the millennia, from birthing
to tackling the patriarchal hierarchy, women have demonstrated courage.
In researching the subject matter of this book, I have plunged into mul-
tiple disciplines of psychoanalysis, sociopolitical history, philosophy, pop
 CONCLUSION 161

culture, and feminism. I have also plumbed the depths of the inner worlds
of my patients and of myself in case studies.
The wives in the case studies illustrate the vast individual differences within
groups and subgroups. So, wives who have extramarital affairs compared to
wives who do not, are not two discrete groups, but lie along a continuum
of disavowal, denial, dreaming, desiring, and acting. Each wife within the
two groups is unique and diverse. Likewise the women in the subgroups of
wives—stay-at-home wives, working wives, younger wives, older wives,
remarried wives, those engaged in same-sex affairs, and those in variations
of sexuality—all differ from each other, not only across subgroups, but
within subgroups.
Each woman’s unique self has been influenced by her own personal history
and cultural experiences. Just as we cannot view a group of wives through a
distorted lens of prejudgment, we cannot view a group of people in society
through a distorted lens of prejudgment. If we fail to see the differences, the
nuance, and the complexities in people of diverse colors, races, religions,
ethnicities, and sexual orientations and regard them as alike, we fail to uphold
American values.
Along the way I grew more and more aware of the implications of
women’s infidelity for marriage, American society, and our future. Once a
wife gains insight into the conscious and unconscious meaning and signifi-
cance of her extramarital affair, she can make informed conscious choices
about her behavior. But first she must feel safe to explore herself, learn,
and articulate her issues.
Arbitrary judgment with essential absolute truths does not facilitate an arena
of safety for women to articulate their desires. Instead, arbitrary judgment
is the handmaiden of prejudice, discrimination, and bigotry that impedes
human progress. For marriage and society to grow stronger, they must be
open to nonjudgmental attitudes that facilitate insight by listening, learning,
and understanding meanings. Historically, judgment and artificial values
did not help, but instead harmed marriage and society. If we can withhold
judgment on wives who engage in extramarital affairs, they will feel safe to
make choices that facilitate honest and open marital relationships.
The concept of choice is a complex one. In the book, I have discussed
the idea of an individual, true self. In order to make choices, we need
authentic selves. Nevertheless, I have also reiterated the postmodern con-
cept of cultural construction of our selves. Taken at face value, an indi-
vidual self is not in concert with postmodern theory that posits socially
constructed, multiple, and fluid selves.3 If our selves are strictly socially con-
structed, the spirit, the soul, individual agency, will, accountability, and/or
desire to change are lost.4 I do not believe we are either socially constructed
162 DARING WIVES

or endowed with inherent core selves—we are both. Not only are we
constructed by historical, social, and childhood forces, but with insight,
we can also access our true selves.
The true self with will and agency feels free to makes choices and assume
responsibility for consequences. The paradox of having a self that makes
choices and a self that is socially constructed and embedded in culture is only
one of the paradoxes I have shown in intimate relationships. Expressing our
authentic selves and our real desires while taking into consideration the
feelings and welfare of our husbands is a seeming contradiction. Surrender
to our inner strivings within the constraints of marriage is a necessary tension
of intimate relating.
Intimacy is found in the tension between the self and the other, novelty
and familiarity, sex and love. Paradox is rife with ambiguity and uncertainty.
In the bedroom and in politics, paradox, uncertainty, and ambiguity threaten
our sense of safety and security. Living with uncertainty and contradictions
is not easy.
In our post-9/11 era, ominous clouds of uncertainty, insecurity, and
danger hover overhead. Just yesterday, an Internet headline read, “Survey:
70% Risk of WMD Attack within Decades.”Alarming! Oh, how comforting
it would be to have certainty and security for our children and ourselves.
We can, but the price may be rigid ideologies of blind faith in right and
wrong, good and evil, rulebooks with dos and don’ts. I believe that would
be a far greater danger than living with uncertainly and insecurity. By con-
structing polarities of right and wrong, white and black, good and bad,
powerful and powerless, and demonizing unfaithful wives and deifying
faithful wives, we risk destroying the very foundations on which American
society is based.
Opposites imply that one is better than the other. The dualities of het-
erosexual/homosexual, right/wrong, good/bad, love/hate, and white/black
hardly describe women’s sexual experience or their desires for extramarital
affairs. Neither do they describe societal experience. Rigid dualities place a
higher value on one side, while they devalue the other side—the breeding
ground of intolerance, prejudice, and bigotry.5
Open, flexible dialogue affords us the opportunity to better understand
multiplicity and individual differences within groups. The process is satu-
rated with ambiguity, nuance, complexity, and diverse attitudes, feelings,
and behaviors. Nevertheless, it is only through open dialogue that can
we aspire to the basic rights laid down by our founding fathers—life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness.
My focus on the psychology of personal and interpersonal marital rela-
tions has been mainly in the foreground, with society in the background.
 CONCLUSION 163

Their positions, however, constantly reverse themselves. In the same way

that the “personal is political,” our sociopolitical climate is personal.
The sociopolitical zeitgeist resonates with slogans like “moral values.”
So, just what is meant by “moral values”? I hope they are not more of
the artificial, rigid ones of yesteryear that endangered wives’ physical and
psychological welfare. I am all for moral values that encourage a safe haven
for wives. I am talking about open-minded, informed moral values, so that
the double standard is a thing of the past and wives’ sexuality is not devalued
as excessive—threatening men—or as frigid and sexless—displeasing men.
A society in which wives are finally respected as equal to men in power,
autonomy, and sexual desire is more of what I call moral values.
How about “family values”? Prejudicial attitudes against people with
gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender orientations have nothing to do with
family values. Casting harsh prejudicial judgments on wives who engage in
extramarital affairs and winking at husbands who do the same is harmful. I
hardly think the double standard or prejudice strengthens marriages, families,
or American society.
I believe family values entail a lot of things, but prejudice is not one of
them. Teaching our children tolerance and inviting their curiosity to learn
about diversity is consistent with family values. Children who learn about
people who differ from them in sexual orientation, race, color, ethnicity,
or religion expand their horizons. The children are the future, and hope for
marriage and American society lies in their hands. It is up to us to provide
them with a firm foundation of tolerance so they can forge new paths
to progress.
In writing this book—whose initial intention was for you to gain insight
into women who stray—I too have strayed intellectually. My wanderings
led me to multiple side trails that intersect with the central topic. The
triad of the individual, marriage, and sociopolitical paths constantly inter-
penetrates. Within these paths, numerous trajectories—mutuality, rec-
ognition, tolerance, diversity, reciprocity, surrender, romance, real love,
authentic sexual desire, marital constraints—entwine with each other.
These intertwined paths form a complex maze of ambiguity, uncertainty,
and paradox. Shucks. Just when you were looking for conclusions with
definite truths! But there is no conclusion with a final truth.6 There is
no end to learning, understanding, theorizing, and hoping—only more
of them.
I realize that my thoughts for marriage, families, and American society
are utopian. Despite the seemingly insurmountable hurdles that I struggle
with, I continue to imagine change. I hope I have inspired you to imag-
ine change in yourselves, your relationships, your marriage, and your world.
164 DARING WIVES

Creative acts begin in the mind, in the imagination. In reality, paradox,

contradictions, ambiguity, and uncertainty prevail and flood imagination.
The renewal of marriage in the wake of its breakdown is part of an ongoing
process of paradox, uncertainty, and ambiguity. That does not mean to give
up on imagining, or to relinquish the goals of individual, marital, and societal
change, but to muster courage, continue the process, and accept the inevita-
ble pitfalls.7
Notes

INTRODUCTION
1. http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/r/robert_orben.html.
2. http://www.quotationspage.com/quote.html.
3. Harry Stack Sullivan. (1953). The Interpersonal Theory of Psychoanalysis. New
York: W.W. Norton, p. 32.

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3. Gustave Flaubert. (1989). Madame Bovary. New York: Bantam Books. (Origi-
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4. Erica Jong. (1973). Fear of Flying. New York: Holt, Reinhart, and Winston.
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William Morrow.
6. Melanie Klein. (1975). Envy and Gratitude and Other Works. New York:
Delacorte Press. (Original work published 1946–1963)
7. Shere Hite. (1976). The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality. New
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166 NOTES

13. Alfred Kinsey, et al. (1953). Sexual Behavior in the Human Female. Philadelphia:
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14. Carol Botwin. (1994). Tempted Women. New York: William Morrow.
15. A. Greeley. (1994). Marital infidelity. Society, 31, 9–13.
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21. D. C. Atkins, N. S. Jacobson, & D. H. Baucom. (2001). Understanding infidel-
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25. Carol Botwin. (1994). Tempted Women. New York: William Morrow.
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27. M. W. Weiderman, & E. R. Algier. (1996). Expectations and attributions
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tive Codebook. Chicago: National Opinion Research Center.

CHAPTER TWO
1. George Santayana. (1981). Life of Reason. New York: Scribner. (Original work
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2. Reay Tannahill. (1992). Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Pub-
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3. Ibid.
4. Ibid.
5. J. D’Emilio & E. B. Freedman. (1997). Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality
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 NOTES 167

6. Reay Tannahill. (1992). Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Publishers.

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11. Ibid.
12. Reay Tannahill. (1992). Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Publishers.
13. Ibid.
14. Linda Wolfe. (1975). Playing Around: Women and Extramarital Sex. New York:
William Morrow.
15. J. D’Emilio & E. B. Freedman. (1997). Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality
in America. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
16. Reay Tannahill. (1992). Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Publishers.
17. Ibid.
18. Ibid.
19. Linda Wolfe. (1975). Playing Around: Women and Extramarital Sex. New York:
William Morrow.
20. Reay Tannahill. (1992). Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Publishers.
21. Ibid.
22. Linda Wolfe. (1975). Playing Around: Women and Extramarital Sex. New York:
William Morrow.
23. J. D’Emilio & E. B. Freedman. (1997). Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality
in America. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
24. Reay Tannahill. (1992). Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Publishers.
25. Ibid.
26. Ibid.
27. Ibid.
28. J. D’Emilio & E. B. Freedman. (1997). Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality
in America. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
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35. Ibid.
36. Seale Harris. (1950). Woman’s Surgeon. New York: Macmillan.
37. G. J. Barker-Benfield. (2000). The Horrors of the Half-Known Life: Male Attitudes
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168 NOTES

38. Ibid.
39. Seale Harris. (1950). Woman’s Surgeon. New York: Macmillan.
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41. G. J. Barker-Benfield. (2000). The Horrors of the Half-Known Life: Male Attitudes
toward Women and Sexuality in the Nineteenth-Century America. New York: Routledge.
42. Rachel P. Maines. (1999). The Technology of Orgasm: Hysteria, the Vibrator, and
Women’s Sexual Satisfaction. Baltimore, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press.
43. J. D’Emilio, & E. B. Freedman. (1997). Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality
in America. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
44. Peter Gay. (1995). The Naked Heart: The Bourgeois Experience, Victoria to
Freud. New York: W.W. Norton, p. 343n.
45. J. D’Emilio & E. B. Freedman. (1997). Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality
in America. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
46. Ibid.
47. Sigmund Freud. (1965). New introductory lectures: Female sexuality, feminin-
ity. In J. Strachey (Ed., trans.), The Standard Edition of the Complete Works of Sigmund
Freud, Vol. 22 (pp. 112–135). London: Hogarth Press. (Original work published 1932)
48. Sigmund Freud. (1965). Three essays on sexuality: Infantile sexuality. In J.
Strachey (Ed., trans.), The Standard Edition of the Complete Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol.
7 (p. 195). London: Hogarth Press. (Original work published 1901–1905)
49. Sigmund Freud. (1965). Dissolution of the Oedipus complex: Some psychical
consequences of the anatomical distinction between the sexes, female sexuality, feminin-
ity in new introductory lectures. In J. Strachey (Ed., trans.), The Standard Edition of
the Complete Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. 22 (pp. 112–135). London: Hogarth Press.
(Original work published 1932)
50. Ibid.
51. Ethan Viney. (1996). Dancing to Different Tunes: Sexuality and Its Misconcep-
tions. Belfast: The Blackstaff Press.
52. Havelock Ellis. (2001). Studies in the Psychology of Sex: Analysis of the Sexual
Impulse, Love and Pain, the Sexual Impulse in Women. Honolulu, HI: University Press
of the Pacific. (Original work published 1906)
53. Havelock Ellis. (2001). The sexual impulse in women. In Studies in the Psychology
of Sex. Honolulu, HI: University Press of the Pacific, p. 179. (Original work pub-
lished 1906)
54. Angus McLaren. (1999). Twentieth-Century Sexuality: A History. Malden, MA:
Blackwell Publishers.
55. Peter Gay. (1995). The Naked Heart: The Bourgeois Experience, Victoria to
Freud. New York: W.W. Norton.
56. Nathaniel Hawthorne. (1981). The Scarlet Letter. New York: Bantam Dell.
(Original work published 1850)
57. Gustave Flaubert. (1989). Madame Bovary. New York: Bantam Books. (Origi-
nal work published 1857)
58. Leo Tolstoy. (2000). Anna Karenina. New York: Modern Library Paperback
Edition, Random House. (Original work published 1877)
59. Kate Chopin. (1976). The Awakening and Selected Stories of Kate Chopin. New
York: Signet Classics. (Original work published 1899)
 NOTES 169

CHAPTER THREE
1. J. D’Emilio & E. B. Freedman. (1997). Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality
in America. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
2. Frederick Lewis Allen. (1931). Only Yesterday: An Informal History of the Nineteen
Twenties. New York: Harper & Brothers.
3. D. H. Lawrence. (1983). Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Cutchogue, NY: Buccaneer
Books. (Original work published 1928)
4. Reay Tannahill. (1992). Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Publishers.
5. Jeanine Bassinger. (1993). A Woman’s View: How Hollywood Spoke to Women
1930–1960. New York: Alfred A. Knopf.
6. Ibid.
7. Ibid.
8. Graham Greene. (1991). The End of the Affair. New York: Penguin Books.
(Original work published 1951)
9. David Halberstam. (1993). The Fifties. New York: Random House.
10. Ibid.
11. Ibid.
12. Ibid.
13. Ibid.
14. Ibid.
15. Ibid.
16. Grace Metalious. (1991). Peyton Place. Boston: Northeastern University Press.
(Original work published 1956)
17. David Halberstam. (1993). The Fifties. New York: Random House.
18. Alfred Kinsey, et al. (1953). Sexual Behavior in the Human Female. Philadelphia:
W.B. Saunders.
19. David Halberstam. (1993). The Fifties. New York: Random House.
20. Betty Friedan. (1991). The Feminine Mystique. New York: W.W. Norton.
(Original work published 1963)
21. W. H. Masters & V. W. Johnson. (1996). Human Sexual Response. New York:
Little, Brown.
22. Ethan Viney. (1996). Dancing to Different Tunes: Sexuality and Its Misconcep-
tions. Belfast: The Blackstaff Press.
23. Kate Millet. (1970). Sexual Politics. New York: Virago Press.
24. Shulamith Firestone. (1970). The Dialectic of Sex. New York: William Morrow.
25. Karen Horney. (1933). The denial of the vagina. The International Journal of
Psychoanalysis, 14.
26. Clara Thompson. (1943). Penis envy. Psychiatry, 6.
27. Clara Thompson. (1950). Some effects of the derogatory attitude towards female
sexuality. Psychiatry, 13.
28. Simone de Beauvior. (1972). The Second Sex. New York: Penguin Books.
(Original work published 1949)
29. Melanie Klein. (1975). Envy and Gratitude and Other Works. New York: Dela-
courte Press. (Original work published 1946–1964)
30. J. D’Emilio & E. B. Freedman. (1997). Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality
in America. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
31. Ibid.
32. Reay Tannahill. (1992). Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Publishers.
170 NOTES

33. Jennifer Baumgardner & Amy Richards. (2000). Manifesta: Young Women, Femi-
nism, and the Future. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux.
34. Ibid.
35. Ibid.
36. Ibid.
37. Ibid.
38. Elizabeth Wurtzel. (1998). Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women. New York: Dou-
bleday.
39. Jennifer Baumgardner & Amy Richards. (2000). Manifesta: Young Women, Femi-
nism, and the Future. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux.

CHAPTER FOUR
1. Frank Pittman. (1989). Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy. New York:
W.W. Norton.
2. Jessica Benjamin. (1998). Bonds of Love: Psychoanalysis, Feminism, and the Problem
of Domination. New York: Pantheon Books.
3. Karen J. Maroda. (2004). A relational perspective on women and power.
Psychoanalytic Psychology, 21(3), 428–435.
4. Jessica Benjamin. (1998). Bonds of Love: Psychoanalysis, Feminism, and the Problem
of Domination. New York: Pantheon Books.
5. Ibid.
6. Stephen A. Mitchell. (2002). Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance over Time. New
York: W.W. Norton.
7. Ibid.
8. D. C. Atkins, N. S. Jacobson, & D. H. Baucom. (2001). Understanding infidel-
ity: Correlates in a national random sample. Journal of Family Psychology, 15, 735–749.
9. M. W. Weiderman & E. R. Algier. (1996). Expectations and attributions
regarding extramarital sex among young married individuals. Journal of Psychology and
Human Sexuality, 8, 21–23.
10. Muriel Dimen. (2003). Sexuality, Intimacy, Power. Hillside, NJ: Analytic Press.
11. Ibid.
12. Ibid.

CHAPTER FIVE
1. Karen J. Maroda. (2004). A relational perspective on women and power. Psycho-
analytic Psychology, 21(3), 428–435.
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid.
4. Ibid.
5. Jennifer Baumgardner & Amy Richards. (2000). Manifesta: Young Women, Femi-
nism, and the Future. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux.
6. Jody Messler Davies. (2003). Falling in love with love: Oedipal and postoedipal
manifestations of idealization, mourning, and erotic masochism. Psychoanalytic Dialogues,
13(1), 11.
7. Stephen A. Mitchell. (2002). Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance over Time. New
York: W.W. Norton.
8. Ibid.
 NOTES 171

CHAPTER SIX
1. Toni Morrison. (1987). Beloved. New York: Knopf.
2. Jennifer Baumgardner & Amy Richards. (2000). Manifesta: Young Women, Femi-
nism, and the Future. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux.
3. Karen J. Maroda. (2004). A relational perspective on women and power. Psychoan-
alytic Psychology, 21(3), 428–435.
4. Reay Tannahill. (1992). Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Pub-
lishers.
5. Jennifer Baumgardner & Amy Richards. (2000). Manifesta: Young Women, Femi-
nism, and the Future. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux.
6. Ibid.

CHAPTER SEVEN
1. Sheryl A. Kingsberg. (2002). The impact of aging on sexual function in women
and their partners. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 31(5), 431–437.
2. Lois W. Banner. (1992). In Full Flower: Aging Women, Power, and Sexuality. New
York: Knopf.
3. Ibid.
4. Sheryl A. Kingsberg. (2002). The impact of aging on sexual function in women
and their partners. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 31(5), 431–437.
5. Lois W. Banner. (1992). In Full Flower: Aging Women, Power, and Sexuality. New
York: Knopf.
6. Frances Cohen Praver. (2004). Crossroads at Midlife: Your Aging Parents, Your
Emotions, and Your Self. Westport, CT: Praeger.
7. Ibid.
8. Lois W. Banner. (1992). In Full Flower: Aging Women, Power, and Sexuality. New
York: Knopf.
9. Frances Cohen Praver. (2004). Crossroads at Midlife: Your Aging Parents, Your
Emotions, and Your Self. Westport, CT: Praeger.
10. Ibid.

CHAPTER EIGHT
1. James H. Bray. (2001). Therapy with stepfamilies: A developmental systems
approach. In Susan H. McDanile, Don-David Lusterman, et al., eds., Casebook for
Integrating Family Therapy: An Ecosystemic Approach (pp. 127–140). Washington, DC:
American Psychological Association.
2. Bram P. Buunk & Wim Mutsaers. (1999). The nature of the relationship between
remarried individuals and former spouses and its impact on marital satisfaction. Journal
of Family Psychology, 13(2), 165–174.
3. John Bowlby. (1973a). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 2: Separation: Anxiety and Anger.
New York: Basic Books.
4. John Bowlby. (1980). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 3: Loss, Sadness and Depression.
New York: Basic Books.
5. Margaret S. Mahler, Fred Pine, & A. Bergman. (1975). The Psychological Birth
of the Human Infant. New York: Basic Books.
6. J. Goldsmith. (1980). Relationship between former spouses: Descriptive findings.
Journal of Divorce, 14, 1–19.
172 NOTES

7. Bram P. Buunk & Wim Mutsaers. (1999). The nature of the relationship between
remarried individuals and former spouses and its impact on marital satisfaction. Journal
of Family Psychology, 13(2), 165–174.

CHAPTER NINE
1. Tennessee Williams. (1947). A Streetcar Named Desire.
2. R. F. Baumeister. (2000). Gender differences in erotic plasticity: The female
sex drive as socially flexible and responsive. Psychological Bulletin, 126, 347–374.
3. Lisa M. Diamond. (1998). Development of sexual orientation among adolescent
and young adult women. Developmental Psychology, 34(5), 1085–1095.
4. Lisa M. Diamond. (2000). Sexual identity, attractions, and behavior among
young sexual minority women over a 2-year period. Developmental psychology, 36(2),
241–250.
5. Lisa M. Diamond. (1998). Development of sexual orientation among adolescent
and young adult women. Developmental Psychology, 34(5), 1085–1095.
6. R. F. Baumeister. (2000). Gender differences in erotic plasticity: The female
sex drive as socially flexible and responsive. Psychological Bulletin, 126, 347–374.
7. Lisa M. Diamond. (1998). Development of sexual orientation among adolescent
and young adult women. Developmental Psychology, 34(5), 1085–1095.
8. Lisa M. Diamond. (2003). Was it a phase? Young women’s relinquishment of
lesbian/bisexual identities over a 5-year period. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,
84(2), 352–364.
9. Ibid.
10. Michelle C. Jacobo. (2001). Revolutions in psychoanalytic theory of lesbian
development: Dora to dykes and back again. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 18(4), 667–683.
11. Diane Elise. (2000). Women and desire: Why women may not want to want.
Studies in Gender and Sexuality, 1(2), 125–146.
12. Joan K. Dixon. (1984). The commencement of bisexual activity in swinging
married women over age thirty. Journal of Sex Research, 20(1), 71–90.

CHAPTER TEN
1. Joyce McDougall. (1995). The Many Faces of Eros. New York: W.W. Norton.
2. D. W. Winnicott. (1971). Mirror role of mother and family in child develop-
ment. In Playing and Reality. London: Tavistock.
3. Joyce McDougall. (1995). The Many Faces of Eros. New York: W.W. Norton.
4. Ibid.
5. D. W. Winnicott. (1965). The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environ-
ment. New York: International Universities Press.
6. D. W. Winnicott. (1971). Mirror role of mother and family in child develop-
ment. In Playing and Reality. London: Tavistock.
7. Carl Gustav Jung. (1992). Psychology of the Unconscious. Bollingen Foundation.
(Original work published 1917)
8. Stephen A. Mitchell. (2002). Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance over Time. New
York: W.W. Norton.
9. Jessica Benjamin. (1988). Bonds of Love. New York: Pantheon Books.
10. Emmanuel Ghent. (1990). Masochism, submission, surrender. Contemporary
Psychoanalysis, 26(1).
 NOTES 173

11. Stephen A. Mitchell. (2002). Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance over Time. New
York: W.W. Norton.
12. Braum Dijkstra. (1996). Evil Sisters: The Threat of Female Sexuality and the Cult
of Manhood. New York: Knopf.
13. Reay Tannahill. (1992). Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Publishers.
14. Diane Elise. (2000). Women and desire: Why women may not want to want.
Studies in Gender and Sexuality, 1(2), 125–146.
15. Emmanuel Ghent. (1990). Masochism, submission, surrender. Contemporary
Psychoanalysis, 26(1).
16. Stephen A. Mitchell. (2002). Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance over Time. New
York: W.W. Norton.
17. Ibid.
18. Emmanuel Ghent. (1990). Masochism, submission, surrender. Contemporary
Psychoanalysis, 26(1).
19. D. W. Winnicott. (1965). Ego distortion in terms of true and false self (pp. 140–
152). In The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment. Madison, CT: Interna-
tional Universities Press.
20. Jessica Benjamin. (1988). Bonds of Love. New York: Pantheon Books.
21. Ibid.
22. Reay Tannahill. Sex in History. London: Scarborough House Publishers.
23. Jessica Benjamin. (1988). Bonds of Love. New York: Pantheon Books.
24. Emmanuel Ghent. (1990). Masochism, submission, surrender. Contemporary
Psychoanalysis, 26(1).
25. D. W. Winnicott. (1965). The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment.
Madison, CT: International Universities Press.
26. Frances Praver. (1995). Validation of a child measure for post traumatic stress
responses to interpersonal abuse (Doctoral dissertation, St. John’s University).

CHAPTER ELEVEN
1. D. C. Atkins, N. S. Jacobson, & D. H. Baucom. (2001). Understanding infidelity:
Correlates in a national random sample. Journal of Family Psychology, 15, 735–749.
2. M. W. Weiderman & E. R. Algier. (1996). Expectations and attributions regard-
ing extramarital sex among young married individuals. Journal of Psychology and Human
Sexuality, 8, 21–23.
3. David Schwartz. (2004). Extreme normality: Preface and performance. Psychoana-
lytic Dialogues, 14(6), 835–858.
4. Cleonie White. (2004). Culture, influence, and the “I-ness” of me. Psychoanalytic
Dialogues, 14(4), 653–691.
5. Muriel Dimen. (2003). Sexuality, Intimacy, Power. Hillside, NJ: Analytic Press.
6. Ibid.
7. Jessica Benjamin. (1988). Bonds of Love. New York: Pantheon Books.
Index

Abortions, 31, 38 wives, 64–70, 72–80; of young

Adultery: in ancient Assyria, 15; in early wives, 83–90, 92–96
England, 16–17; puritanical Chastity belts, 17
influences, 17; in Roman era, 15 Childhood influences, 147–148, 159
Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, The, 31 Chopin, Kate, 25–26
Affairs. See Extramarital affairs Cleaver, June, 31
Aggression, 60 Clitoridectomy, 19–20
AIDS, 35 Clitoris: excision of, 15, 19–20; Freud’s
Anna Karenina, 25 view of, 22
Arbitrary judgment, 161 Closer, 3–4, 7–8
Attachment: description of, 39; to Contraceptive pill, 34
ex-spouse, 111 Courtly love, 14, 16, 98
Awakening, The, 25–26 Crawford, Joan, 29
Culture: colonial America, 14; nature
Baby Boomers, 97 vs., 13–15
Birth control pill. See Contraceptive pill Dangerous Liaisons, 16
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, 5 Daring wives: despair by, xi–xii;
Botwin, Carol, 8 discrimination against, xiii; diversity
Bow, Clara, 28 of, xiii–xiv; literature about, 23–26;
writings about, 23–26
Casablanca, 30 Darnell, Linda, 30
Case studies: of housewives, 42–51, Davis, Bette, 29
52–59; of older women, 99–110; de Beavoir, Simone, 33
of remarriages, 112–121; of de Havilland, Olivia, 29
sadomasochism, 149–155, 159; of Desire: desperate vs., xiv; erotic, xv,
same-sex affairs, 125–136; of sex 27–29; expressing of, xv
sirens, 139–147, 149–155; of stay- Desperate, xiv–xv
at-home wives, 42–51, 52–59; of Desperate Housewives: characters of, 2–3;
stepfamilies, 112–121; of working description of, xv, 2
176 INDEX

de Tocqueville, Alexis, 18 Faked orgasms, 148

Diary of an Affair, 2 Family values, 163
Dimen, Muriel, 60 Fear of Flying, 5
Domination, 52, 149 Feminine Mystique, The, 32
Double standard: in colonial America, Femininity, 31
18; cultural construction of, 14–15; Feminism: description of, xvi; Freud
definition of, 13; Ellis’s writings and, 22; Friedan’s work, 32;
about, 23; female fate due to, rejection of, 90; second wave,
18–21; Freud’s perpetuation of, 22; xv–xvi, 4–5, 33, 36; self-awareness
history of, 15–17; Mormon benefits of, 160; third wave, 36–38,
promotion of, 18; of nineteenth 81–82, 90–91
century, 18; in older women, 9; Femme fatale, 149–155, 159
persistence of, 36; for straying Flaubert, Gustave, 24–25
spouses, 15–17; writings about, 25; Fling. See Extramarital affairs
in young women, 9 Freud, Sigmund, 21–23, 33
Dualities, 162 Friedan, Betty, 32
Dunn, Irina, 37
Gardner, Augustus Kinsley, 19
Ellis, Havelock, 23 “Girlie,” 37–38
End of the Affair, The, 30 Greene, Graham, 30
Erotic desires: description of, Gynecology, 19
xv; in Roaring Twenties,
27–29 Harlow, Jean, 28
Erotic union, 52 Hawthorne, Nathaniel, 24
Existential angst, 98, 158 Hays Code, 29
Ex-spouse, attachment bonds to, Hefner, Hugh, 31–32
111–112 Hite, Shere, 8
Extramarital affairs: age-related factors, Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of
9; as catalyst for marital repair, 61; Female Sexuality, The, 8
causes of, xii; in colonial America, Horney, Karen, 33
14; desire for, xv, 36, 38–39; Horrors of the Half Known Life, The, 19
factors associated with, 38–39; in Housewives: case studies of, 42–51,
films, 3, 29–30; Hollywood 52–59; description of, 41, 158;
portrayals of, 29–30; by husbands, discontent by, 41–42; frustration
15–17, 91; marital dissatisfaction as by, 42; loss of identity, 59–60;
cause of, xii, 2, 39; moral judgment marital expectations by, 60; self-
about, xiii; moral values and, 5–6; sacrifice by, 60; submission by, 91
in nineteenth-century America, Human Sexual Response, 33
20–21, 158; by older women, 9, Husbands: breadwinner role of, 81–82;
98–99; opportunities for, 9; in pop extramarital affairs by, 15–17, 91
culture, 2–4; reasons for, 158; Hysteria: Freud’s view of, 21; treatment
research on, 10–11; same-sex. practices for, 20
See also Same-sex affairs; statistics
about, xv, 8–11; taboos about, Incest, 153, 155
1; in television programs, 2; by Infidelity: in early England, 16–17;
women, xv incidence of, 8–9; marital
Extramarital sex: reasons for, 4; statistics dissatisfaction and, 10, 59;
about, 9 reshaping of, 157–158; risks
 INDEX 177

associated with, xiii; societal 5–6; judging of, 96; in twenty-first

regression of, 38; statistical studies century, 38–39; young wives’
of, 10–11; statistics about, 8–11 interpretation of, 91
Intimacy: description of, 50; finding of, Mormons, 18
162; maintaining of, 60 Ms., 33
Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm, The, 33
Jong, Erica, 5
National Right to Life Committee, 35
Kinsey, Alfred, 8, 32 Nature, vs. culture, 13–15
Koedt, Ann, 33 Nelson, Harriet, 31
Newsweek, 2
Lady Chatterley’s Lover, 28 9/11, 14
Lamarr, Hedy, 30 Nurturance, 52
Lawrence, D. H., 19 Nymphomania: case study of, 139–147;
Leave it to Beaver, 31 description of, 137–138
Liberation movement, 33–34, 90
Limited marriages, 71–72 Oedipus, 7, 97
Older women: affairs with younger
Madame Bovary, 24–25 men, 97–99; case studies of,
Madonna, 37 99–110; midlife issues, 98; sexual
Male infidelity, 8 equality for, 97–98; sexual peak
Marital dissatisfaction: extramarital affairs of, 98
caused by, xii, 2, 39; infidelity and, Orgasm: description of, 33; faking of,
10, 59 148; surrender and, 148
Marital strife, xii
Marriage: dependency in, 71; limited, Passive-aggressive behavior, 6
71–72; reshaping of, 158, 160; Penis envy, 22, 33
romance in, 72; in sixties, 82; Perversion, 136
societal influences on, 159–160; Peyton Place, 32
working on, 79–80 Pill. See Contraceptive pill
Masochism, 149 Playboy, 32
Masson, J. F., 19–20 Playing Around, 5
Masturbation, 19–20 Polygamy: by Mormons, 18; in
McCarthyism, 30 primates, 13
McDougall, Joyce, 138 Pop culture: extramarital affairs
Men: breadwinner role of, 81–82; portrayed in, 2–4; psychology of,
domination by, 52 6–8; in seventies, 4–6; in sixties,
Menopause, 97 4–6; trends in, 1–2
Miller, Arthur, 30 Prejudicial judgments, 163
Mitchell, Stephen, 71–72
Monogamy: AIDS prevention through, Remarriages: case studies of, 112–121;
35; in primates, 13; terror effects of attachment bond to
management theory application former spouse, 111–112; prevalence
to, 14 of, 111; problems experienced in,
Monroe, Marilyn, 31–32 121; stress caused by, 158–159
Moral judgment, xiii Roaring Twenties, 27–29
Moral values: defining of, 163; in Roe v. Wade, 34
eighties, 35; extramarital affairs and, Romance, in marriage, 72
178 INDEX

Sadomasochism: case study of, 149–155, Sexual orientation, 123–124, 136

159; description of, 149 Sexual peak, 98
Same-sex affairs: case studies of, 125– Sexual surrender: description of, 148;
136; cultural factors that affect, 124; self-control and, 148; submission
description of, 123, 159; husband’s vs., 149
influence on, 124–125; marital Sims, J. Marion, 19
factors, 124; sexual identity issues, Society: “openness” in, 11; relationships
124, 136 affected by, 162–163; repression of
Sanger, Margaret, 27–28 sexual desires by, 4–5
Scarlet Letter, The, 24 Sopranos, The, 2, 6
Scott, Lizabeth, 29 Stanwyck, Barbara, 30
Second Sex, The, 33 Stay-at-home wives: case studies of,
Second wave feminism, xv–xvi, 4–5, 42–51, 52–59; description of, 41,
33, 36 158; discontent by, 41–42;
Self, 161–162 frustration by, 42; loss of identity,
Self-control, 148–149 59–60; marital expectations by, 60;
Separation, 111–112 self-sacrifice by, 60
September 11, 2001, 14 Steinem, Gloria, 32–33, 82
Sex: AIDS’ effect on, 35; conflicts Stepfamilies: case studies of, 112–121;
about, 137; in eighties, 35; prevalence of, 111; stress caused by,
extramarital, 4, 9; frequency of, 158–159
137; impersonal, 34–35; personal Submission: by housewives, 91;
nature of, 148 surrender vs., 149; by women, 60,
Sex in synchrony, 137 160
Sex sirens: case studies of, 139–147, Sullivan, Harry Stack, xiii
149–155; description of, 139 Surrender: description of, 148;
Sexual addiction, 138 self-control and, 148; submission
Sexual addicts, 138–139 vs., 149
Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, 32 Swinging, 124–125
Sexual desires: Ellis’ writings about, 23;
repressed, 20 Terror management theory, 14
Sexual fix, 138 Therapy, xii–xiii. See also Case studies
Sexual hunger, 138 Third wave feminism: description of,
Sexual identity, 124, 136 36–38, 81–82; rejection of, 90–91
Sexuality: childhood influences on, Thompson, Clara, 33
147–148, 159; contraceptive pill’s Todd, John, 19
effect on, 34; cultural influences Todd, Mabel Loomis, 20–21
on, 147–148; early Christian Tolstoy, Leo, 25
influences on, 16; flexibility of, Traditional family values, 90–91
123; Freud’s views on, 21–22; in Twentieth Century: fifties, 30–32;
nineteenth century, 18; in Roaring overview of, 27; Roaring
Twenties, 27–29; societal repression Twenties, 27–29; sixties, 34, 82
of, 4–5
Sexual objects: description of, 51;
women as, 37, 51 Unfaithful, 3, 7
Sexual organs: nineteenth-century
view of, 19; surgical mutilation of, Venereal disease, 18
19–20 Voting rights, 21, 27
 INDEX 179

We Don’t Live Here Anymore, 3 Women’s rights, 37

West, Mae, 28 Working wives: benefits for, 63; case
Wolfe, Linda, 5 studies of, 64–70, 72–80; desires of,
Women: early Christian view of, 16; 70–71; guilt by, 64; power of,
extramarital affairs by, xv; fifties 63–64; self-fulfillment, 71; work
model of, 31; Freud’s influence on, romances by, 64
22–23; liberation movement, Work romances, 64
33–34, 90; in Roaring Twenties, Wurtzel, Elizabeth, 38
27–29; sexuality of, xv; in sixties,
34, 82; submission by, 60; voting
rights of, 21, 27 Young wives: case studies of, 83–90,
Women and Love: The New Hite 92–96; desires of, 82; moral values
Report, 8 as interpreted by, 91; third wave
Women’s Hospital, 19 feminism among, 81–82
About the Author

FRANCES COHEN PRAVER is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst

specializing in women’s issues, couples therapy, and trauma. The author of
Crossroads at Midlife, she has appeared on Good Morning America and WNBC
Weekend in New York, and has been quoted in the New York Times regarding
women’s infidelity.