The

Program
Conversations For Connec tion

Facilitators Guide
For Small Groups

By: Dr. Sue Johnson

www.holdmetight.com

I nternational C entre for E xcellence in E motionally F ocused T h e r a p y

The educational form of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

w w w. i c e e f t . c o m
To be used in conjunction with:

The book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of

Love, 2008; Little, Brown and Company, www.holdmetight.com

The DVD Hold Me Tight: Conversations for Connection

The DVD Creating Relationships that Last: A Conversation with

Dr. Sue Johnson

The CD accompanying this guide book

 The

Program
Conversations For Connection

Facilitators Guide for Small Groups

By: Dr. Sue Johnson
Creating Connection Seminars ™

This program is a relationship education and enhancement

program offered under auspices of ICEEFT,
a Canadian non-profit organization.

The ICEEFT Mission:

ICEEFT serves as a centre of excellence for the promotion of secure,
resilient and successful relationships between partners and within
families. Our mission includes the further expansion and refinement
of the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) model through process
and outcome research. Another central aspect of our mission is to
educate health professionals and to increase public awareness about
the efficacy of EFT and its role in strengthening relationship bonds.
 ™

International Center for Excellence in

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Contact Information:
#201 1869 Carling Ave.,
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, K2A 1E6
Phone: 613 722-5122
Fax: 613 722-0250
E mail: [email protected]
Websites: www.iceeft.com www.holdmetight.com

Other EFT Centers & Communities:

Houston, TX, USA theeftzone.com
Los Angeles, CA, USA theeftzone.com
New England, USA newenglandeft.com
New York, NY, USA nycentereft.com
Philadelphia, PA, USA phillyeft.com
San Diego, CA, USA emotionallyfocusedtherapy.us
San Francisco, CA, USA ncceft.com
Vancouver, BC, Canada vcfi.ca
Washington/Baltimore, USA wbceft.com
Ottawa, ON, Canada ocfi.ca
Toronto, ON, Canaeda greatertorontoeft.com
Greensboro/Charlotte, NC, USA gcceft.com
Chicagao, IL, USA chicagoeft.com

Copyright © Susan Johnson, All rights reserved.

1st Edition – June, 2009
2nd Edition – October 2010
 Facilitators Guide For Small Groups

Table Of Contents
Preamble x
A Message from Sue Johnson xii
Dedication xiii
Overview of the Program xiv
Role of The Facilitator xiv
Goals of the Program xvii
Preparation for Facilitating a Hold Me Tight Group xviii
Variations in Implementation xix

Part I: Preparation 1
Preparing to Lead the
Hold Me Tight: Conversations for Connection Program 2

Part II: Session Outlines 5

Outline for Session I: Understanding Love and Attachment 6
Summary of Session I 6
Suggested DVD Viewing and Discussion Topics for Session I 6
In-Class Exercise for Session I 7
Homework Exercise for Session I 7
Key Points for Session I: A New Look at Love (from the first 3
chapters of Hold Me Tight) 7

Outline for Session II: How Love Goes Wrong

– The Demon Dialogues 11
Summary of Session II 11
Suggested DVD Viewing and Discussion Topics for Session II 12
In-Class Exercise for Session II 12
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Hold Me Tight: Conversations For Connection

Homework Exercise: Conversation 1 – Recognizing

the Demon Dialogues 12
Key Points for Session II: How love goes wrong 13

Outline for Session III: Finding the Raw Spots

in the Demon Dialogues 14
Summary of Session III 14
Suggested DVD Viewing and Discussion Topics for Session III 14
In-Class Exercise for Session III 15
Homework Exercise: Conversation 2 – Finding the Raw Spots 16
Key Points for Session III 16

Outline for Session IV: Fixing Mistakes and Creating a

Secure Base – Revisiting a Rocky Moment 18
Summary of Session IV 18
Transcript Reading and Discussion Topics for Session IV 18
In-Class Exercise for Session IV 19
Homework Exercise: Conversation 3 – Revisiting a
Rocky Moment 19
Key Points for Session IV 20

Outline of Session V: Becoming Open and Responsive

– The Hold Me Tight Conversation 23
Summary of Session V 23
Suggested DVD Viewing and Discussion Topics for Session V 23
In-Class Exercise for Session V 24
Homework Exercise: Conversation 4 – Hold Me Tight 25
Key Points for Session V 25

Outline of Session VI: Forgiving Injuries and

Trusting Again 28
Summary of Session VI 28
Suggested DVD Viewing and Discussion Topics for Session VI 28
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 Facilitators Guide For Small Groups

In-Class Exercise for Session VI 29

Homework Exercise: Conversation 5 – Forgiving Injuries 29
Key Points for Session VI 31

Outline of Session VII: Tender Touch & Synchrony Sex 33

Summary of Session VII 33
Suggested DVD Viewing and Discussion Topics for Session VII 33
In-Class Exercise for Session VII 34
Homework Exercise: Conversation 6 – Bonding Through
Sex and Touch 35
Key Points for Session VII 36

Outline of Session VIII: Keeping Your Love Alive

& Caring for Your Relationship 38
Summary of Session VIII 38
Suggested DVD Viewing and Discussion Topics for Session VIII 38
In-Class Exercise for Session VIII 39
Ongoing Homework: Conversation 7 – Keeping
Your Love Alive 39
Key Points for Session VIII 40

Program Closing and Summary 42

Closing Comments 42
Program Summary 43

Part III - A: PowerPoint Slides of Key Points 45

Part III - B: In-Class Handouts & Exercises 69

Release Form 70
Session I: The A.R.E. Questionnaire
(Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement) 71
Session II: Conversation 1 – Recognizing the Demon Dialogues 72
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Hold Me Tight: Conversations For Connection

Session III: Conversation 2 – Finding the Raw Spots

in Demon Dialogues 74
Session IV: Conversation 3 – Revisiting a Rocky Moment 76
Transcript 76
In-Class Exercise 79
Session V: Conversation 4 – Hold Me Tight 80
Session VI: Conversation 5 – Forgiving Injuries 82
Session VII: Conversation 6 – Bonding Through Sex and Touch 83
Session VIII: Conversation 7 – Keeping Your Love Alive 84

Part III - C: Homework Exercises 85

Session I: Understanding Love and Attachment 86
Session II: Conversation 1 – Recognizing the Demon Dialogues 87
Session III: Conversation 2 – Finding the Raw Spots
in Demon Dialogues 88
Session IV: Conversation 3 – Revisiting a Rocky Moment 89
Session V: Conversation 4 – Hold Me Tight 90
Session VI: Conversation 5 – Forgiving Injuries 91
Session VII: Conversation 6 – Bonding Through Sex and Touch 93
Beyond Session VIII: Conversation 7 – Keeping Your Love Alive 94

Part III - D: Participant Screening Notes

& Template for Flyer 95
Participant Screening Notes 96
Template for Flyer 97

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 Facilitators Guide For Small Groups

Contents of Enclosed CD
PowerPoint Slides
Please note that this is a PowerPoint presentation in a jpg slide show format, ie. one
jpg image file for each slide in the presentation, intended to be run as a slide show in a
photo viewing software program.

Slide Show Viewing Instructions.pdf

Release Form.pdf

In-Class Handouts (pdf files):

In-Class Exercise for Session I
In-Class Exercise for Session II
In-Class Exercise for Session III
In-Class Transcript for Session IV
In-Class Exercise for Session IV
In-Class Exercise for Session V
In-Class Exercise for Session VI
In-Class Exercise for Session VII
In-Class Exercise for Session VIII

Homework Exercises (pdf files):

Homework Exercise for Session I
Homework Exercise for Session II
Homework Exercise for Session III
Homework Exercise for Session IV
Homework Exercise for Session V
Homework Exercise for Session VI
Homework Exercise for Session VII
Beyond Session VIII: Keeping Your Love Alive

Flyer Template (MSWord document)

ix
Hold Me Tight: Conversations For Connection

Preamble
Hold Me Tight: Conversations for Connection is an 8 session (two
hours each session) educational program based on the theory and
practice of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT ). The first
session focuses on the new science of love and what it teaches
us. The next seven sessions focus on helping couples shape and
use the seven conversations laid out in the book Hold Me Tight.
EFT is an empirically tested model of couple therapy that has
shown excellent outcomes with many different kinds of couples. There
is also follow-up research that demonstrates the lasting effects of
EFT interventions and research on precisely how change occurs in
this approach. The practice of EFT reflects the many studies of adult
attachment theory – an empirically based perspective that forms
the basis for the emerging science of love and loving. Over the last
two decades, EFT has developed as a systematic and powerfully
effective approach to reducing relationship distress and helping
couples to create trust and intimacy. The ultimate goal in EFT is
to enable partners to not only reduce conflict and distance but
to shape their relationship into a more loving secure bond. EFT is
the first couple therapy to be based on a well defined and tested
understanding of adult love. It has also shown positive results
with couples who are dealing with particularly difficult problems,
for example, where partners are trauma survivors, are caring for
a chronically ill child, or are struggling with depression as well as
relationship distress.
EFT views the central problem in a distressed relationship
as the loss of secure emotional connection and the pattern of
negative interactions that both reflects and perpetuates this loss.
Compelling emotional signals that are meant to pull a partner closer
or reduce conflict, become distorted and shaded with criticism,
anger or apparent indifference. Negative spirals of interaction
then erode trust and continually exacerbate each partner’s natural
vulnerabilities and sense of isolation. EFT helps partners to take
control of this negative dance and to clarify their emotional signals
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 Facilitators Guide For Small Groups

about attachment needs and fears in a way that encourages their

partner to respond with love and compassion. A new emotional
experience of secure connection, a sense that the other person
can be Accessible, Responsive and Engaged (A.R.E.) transforms
love relationships. Partners can then shape A.R.E. conversations
that offer a positive answer to the key question, “Are you there for
me?” Partners who are able to openly reach for and connect with
each other can create the effective dependency that makes for
a safe haven bond. This kind of bond promotes the growth and
resilience of both individuals.
EFT is taught all over the world and has been adapted in
clinical practice to clients from many different cultural groups and
educational levels.
A list of books, articles, chapters, training tapes/dvds and studies
on EFT can be found on www.iceeft.com. The clinical manual for
EFT for couples is the book entitled The Practice of Emotionally
Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection, by Sue Johnson,
(2004, 2nd edition), Brunner/Routledge.

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