Emily Lemons

SCED 510
7.14.17

Covert and Overt Family Rules

Reflecting back to my childhood, the moments with my family of origin are sweet, rich,

and plenty. Life might have thrown us some lemons, but growing up I never knew the difference.

My parents had a way of making everything ‘taste’ like lemonade (metaphorically speaking, and

literally). They instilled in their children an appreciation for the simple things, and an

appreciation for working with our hands. Hard work always had sweet rewards. In this paper, I

will be taking a deeper look into the rules that formed these moments, highlighting the covert

and overt aspects of the development of these family rules. I will also include reflection on how a

family transition disrupted these rules—some of them for the better.

I come from a family of observant, introverted, creative, reflective, and emotionally

empathetic individuals. In my family culture, there were a number of overt rules that we

followed. We had plenty of covert rules, too. Being the oldest in the family, I was the child who

did most things first, and it was my job to lead by example. This responsibility was both overtly

and covertly placed on me; I observed closely to what my parents modeled, and followed with

the best of my ability to model what they told me to do. Even at a young age, my mom told me I

was her little helper in household chores or in the nurturing of my siblings. My dad always told

me I was special to him; we were the only ones in the family who shared brown eyes. If my dad

asked me to do something, it became a rule in my mind to not let him down.

To elaborate more on the covert rules, a lot of our communication was non-verbal, or

action based to be more specific. We left notes for each other on the kitchen counter. On a sticky

note and the backs of used envelopes, if we needed to communicate an important message we
 Lemons 2

wrote them there. You could call this the original form of family text messaging! It was also a

place we left “love notes” to each other; words of happiness, joy. To this day, I still leave notes

at my dad’s house if he’s not home, just to say I stopped by and that I miss him and love him.

This covert rule was modeled by both parents, and then upheld by the whole family. On the flip

side, if words were shared, they were careful and thoughtfully constructed, except in moments of

anger or frustration.

Aside from our notes, I remember a tradition my mom would perform whenever her

children were returning home from sleepovers or summer camps. It felt like a brand-new room,

and I remember feeling so lucky to have a clean space, but also lucky that I didn’t have to clean

it! My mom’s intentions were to surprise us kids, but it was probably out of necessity as well (we

kids could sometimes be very messy). Other covert rules included holding space for no agenda,

having music play in the background at all times of day, and lastly, most confrontation was seen

as negative, yet silence meant that thoughts were being processed.

Overt rules in my family were a little more traditional. It was a rule that all chores needed

to be completed before recreation, prayer was honored before meals, no dating until you’re 18,

use appropriate language, and there was a limited use of watching the TV. My mom enforced the

TV rules; she always stressed the importance of other forms of entertainment, like playing

outside or making art projects. She also made events centered around thoughtfulness and quality

time, like family movie night, or elaborate decorations the morning of your birthday, and holiday

traditions special. The biggest overt rule that is still imprinted on me today is that safety is

always first! This was my dad’s rule, but I remember feeling pressure to always perform

something correctly, or I would be corrected if it wasn’t safe enough. As a team front, our family
 Lemons 3

rules were enforced by mom and dad, but mom usually organized the family meetings so that the

rules were explained, and dad was the who gave the consequences if we didn’t follow the rules.

To compare my thought on my family rules from when I was a child to now, as an adult,

the most defining moments of when I realized these rules existed happened when I had

roommates who were not family members. In these moments, I began to realize that some of our

family rules were just the way I thought things worked. I quickly learned that there were other

ways to do things! As a child, I thought a lot of our overt rules were “dumb” and perhaps

pointless, keeping me away from things I wanted to participate in. Overt rules created a fear for

me, fearing the consequences that might happen if I didn’t follow the rules. For example, dating

was not allowed until the age of 18. In some ways, I really appreciated the emphasis placed from

my mom and dad about healthy relationships in the form of friendships before the age of 18. I

truly developed a sense of the importance for a foundation of friendship in relationships. But as I

go older, I think I had no concept of how the dating world worked! What were normal

progressions of dating relationships, what was serious behavior, and what was meant to be fun.

And maybe that is the great mystery of dating relationships in general, at any age. I just

remember feeling like I had no clue how to initiate dating or any understanding of how to get to

know someone without a shared experience beforehand.

When I associate rules from my family of origin to my life now, the rules that still ring

true are that actions do speak louder than words, little details matter, events/movie nights/time

together is special, TV is not the focus, being responsible in household duties is a reflection of

respect, holding space for no agenda is important, and safety is always first, yet now I like to

offer space for social/emotional safety as well as physical. Now that we have different roofs we

live under, different schedules and priorities, I value the time together with my family. I wish I
 Lemons 4

understood in the moment how important my relationships with siblings were as a child.

However, I understand that finding our own paths is important to establishing our own autonomy

and resilience.

In my early adulthood, my parents got divorced. This event was pretty shattering to my

siblings and I, and we didn’t really know how to handle it emotionally. As the oldest, I was out

of high school but my younger siblings had to endure this transition while being pretty young.

Now, I can see that the divorce disrupted my siblings and I’s understanding of our family culture,

and essentially our sense of safety. The same feeling was likely happening for my parents, too.

However, if it weren’t for this big disruption in my family dynamics, I do not think the growth

and resilience of each family member would have forged into existence. One quote that I hold

near to my heart, and that I feel captures this experience best is from the Swiss-American

psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1975):

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known

suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These

persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them

with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just

happen.”

Many things in my life changed when I first stumbled upon this quote. My acceptance for all

experiences, the good, the hard, and the defeating experiences, found a place of importance,

especially pertaining to the events with my family. Once I saw that disruption and brokenness

could lead to something as beautiful as Kübler-Ross describes, I felt relief. Relief that it was

okay to be human and have things fall apart. I’ve shared this quote with my siblings, and I think
 Lemons 5

it’s a covert rule that we all agree and believe in its meaning: change and disruption, can lead to

beauty.
 Lemons 6

References

Kübler-Ross, E. (1975). Death: The Final Stage of Growth. Simon & Schuster, Inc.: New York,
NY.