What is an intimate relationship?

Psychology of Romantic
How do intimate relationships differ from casual

relationships?
Relationships
Jim Graham, Ph.D.

The neither necessary nor sufficient

components of an intimate
relationship

Knowledge
Humans have an inherent need for relationships

Caring
Social support affects health and mortality

Interdependence
Social contact affects psychological well-
well-being

Mutuality
Relationships are evolutionarily advantageous

Interpersonal contact is required for procreation

Trust

A group has more resources, and is better able to

Commitment defend itself from danger

Building Blocks of Relationships

Well be talking primarily about romantic
Culture
relationships

The Influence of Experience

Individual Differences

Human Nature

Interaction

1
 Then (1960ish) Then (1960ish) Now

94% of people married at
94% of people married at
85% of people will be
some point of their lives some point of their lives married (2007)

Average age at marriage:
Average age at marriage:
Average age at marriage:
20/23 20/23 26/27

5% of couples cohabited
5% of couples cohabited
50% of couples cohabit

5% of babies born to
5% of babies born to
37% of babies born to
unwed mothers unwed mothers unwed mothers (2005)

75% of mothers stayed at
75% of mothers stayed at
60% of mothers return
home until kids were home until kids were to work before their
school--age
school school--age
school babies were 1 year old

Divorce Rate Over Time Why are things changing?

Socioeconomic development: The more
industrialized and affluent a society, the more
divorce and single people it tolerates

Individualism:: Western culture has been
Individualism
emphasizing the individual more and more.

Technology:: Reproductive technology makes it
Technology
so that a relationship is no longer needed for
procreation

Why are things changing? High Low

Sex Ratio:
Ratio: The number of men for every 100
Traditional, old-
old-
fashioned gender roles
women in a population.

Sexually conservative

100 means there are equal #s of men and women

Women stay in the home

High sex ratios means there are more men

Low sex ratios means there are more women

The ideal newlywed is a

Because men are an average of 2 years older virgin bride
than women at time of marriage, sex ratios
Unwed pregnancies are
compare # of women to # of men 2 years older shameful

Long dresses

2
 High Low Sex Ratios

Traditional, old-
old-
More liberal, open
The correlates of sex ratios hold true over time
fashioned gender roles gender roles
and across cultures

Sexually conservative
Sexually open

Women stay in the home
Women encouraged to
Ancient Rome?
work
Victorian England?

The ideal newlywed is a
Sexual relationships
Roaring 20s?
virgin bride outside the marriage

Unwed pregnancies are
Unwed pregnancies are
The sexual revolution and womens liberation
shameful acceptable movement of the 60s?

Long dresses
Short skirts

Sex Ratios in the US Why Sex Ratios?

Some argue that the rules are set up to favor
those in society with the most power: Men

If there are few women available, keep them home,
locked up, and safe from other men

If there are plenty of women to go around, why be
tied down to just one?

We dont know this is true, the implications
have many excited (and outraged).

Polygamy

Building Blocks of Relationships

Culture
Infants interactions with their caregivers shape

their attachment styles,
styles, their learned orientations

The Influence of Experience towards relationships with others.

Developmental psychologists identified three

Individual Differences broad types of attachment styles:

Human Nature
Secure
Secure:: trusting and relaxed

Anxious
Anxious--ambivalent
ambivalent:: nervous and clingy

Interaction
Avoidant
Avoidant:: suspicious and withdrawn

3
 Low Avoidance of Intimacy

SECURE PREOCCUPIED
These patterns are found in adults
adults,, too.

Low Anxiety High Anxiety

Only about 60% of us are secure and trusting in about about
Abandonment Abandonment
our romantic relationships.

DISMISSING FEARFUL
The rest of us are insecure
insecure,, being avoidant or
anxious about depending on others.

High Avoidance of Intimacy

Building Blocks of Relationships

Attachment styles are learned through our
Culture
experiences in close relationships.

The Influence of Experience

Our global beliefs about the nature and worth of

Individual Differences
intimate relationships are shaped by our
experiences within them.
Human Nature

Interaction

Sex Differences

Were all individuals with our own combinations
of talents and traits.

Sex differences

Gender differences

Personalities

Self
Self--esteem

The common perception is that sex differences

are quite large

4

Sex differences are actually quite small, and tell
us very little about individuals.

Men are not from Mars

Women are not from Venus

Men are from North Dakota,

Actually, within-
within-group differences are much
larger than between group differences. women are from South Dakota
(Wood & Dindia, 1998)

Only half of us fit our expected gender roles.

Gender Roles:
Roles: the patterns of behavior that our
Many of us are androgynous
androgynous:: instrumental and
culture expects from normal men and women expressive.

Men are expected to be masculine, instrumental,
instrumental, or
We want our partners to be warm and
assertive, self-
self-reliant, ambitious, decisive, and supportive (expressive)
competitive.

People low in instrumentality tend to have low

Women are expected to be feminine, expressive,
expressive, or self--esteem and be bad at completing tasks.
self
warm, sensitive, compassionate, and kind.

Some research suggests that androgyny is
associated with better relationships.

Personality Personality

Openess Imagination, creativity, open to new
Openess Not related to relationship
experiences and ideas satisfaction.

Conscientiousness Dutiful, dependable,
Conscientiousness Good for relationships,
reliable more likely to keep promises

Extraversion Warm, outgoing, gregarious
Extraversion Good for relationships, cheerful

Agreeableness Cooperative, trusting, good-
good- and enthusiastic
natured
Agreeableness Good for relationships, take

Neuroticism Prone to worry, depression, others into account when making decisions
anger
Neuroticism Bad for relationships

5
 Self--Esteem
Self Homosexuality

When others like us, we like ourselves.
The processes of close relationships are

Sociometer Theory:
Theory: Self-
Self-esteem is how we very similar in heterosexual and
measure the quality of our relationships homosexual couples.

People with low self-
self-esteem
What differences there are may occur because a

Underestimate how much their partners love them gay couple involves two men and a lesbian couple

Perceive disregard where none exists involves two women

Are less optimistic about lasting love

Respond less constructively to conflict

Building Blocks of Relationships Human Nature

Evolution may have instilled in us certain tendencies

Culture that shape our relationships.

The Influence of Experience

Three Assumptions of Evolutionary Psychology:

Individual Differences
Natural selection has sculpted our species

Men and women differ only to the extent they have faced

Human Nature different reproductive dilemmas

Cultures determine whether certain behaviors are adaptive,

Interaction and cultures change faster than human nature does

How do men and women differ? Mating Strategies

Parental Investment:
Investment: Men and women differ
Different partner attributes are desirable depending on
enormously in the minimum time and effort they have the expected length of the relationship.
to invest in each child they produce.
Short--term
Short

So, its adaptive for women to be more careful in choosing
Men tend to prefer sexually available women
their mates.
Women tend to prefer sexy, charming, dominant men

Paternity Uncertainty:
Uncertainty: Men, but not women, may
Long--term
Long
face doubts about whether or not a particular child is
Men tend to prefer sexually chaste women
theirs.
Women tend to evaluate finances and ability to provide for

So, men are especially vigilant toward the threat of marital children
infidelity.

6
 Building Blocks of Relationships

What used to be adaptive may no longer be so.
Culture

Culture determines what is adaptive, and
changes more quickly than human nature:
The Influence of Experience

Reproductive technology

Individual Differences

AIDS

Human Nature

Interaction

Marc and Wendy met during their junior years in college, and they instantly

1+1=3 found a lot to like in each other. Wendy was pretty and very feminine and
rather meek, and Marc liked the fact that he was able to entice her to have

The combination of partners experiences and sex with him on their second date. Wendy was susceptible to his charms
because she unjustly doubted her desirability, and she was excited that a
abilities is greater than the sum of their parts. dominant, charismatic man found her attractive. They starting cohabitating
during their senior years, and married six months after graduation. They
developed a traditional partnership, with Wendy staying home when their

Relationships are fluid processes. children were young, and Marc applying himself to his career. He
succeeded in his profession, winning several lucrative promotions, but
Wendy began to feel that he was married more to his work than to her. She
wanted him to talk to her more, and he began to wish that she was eating

Relationships also have a cost, but were a social less and taking better care of herself.

species, and we need them. In your opinion, what does the future hold for Marc and Wendy? How happy
will they be with each other in another 10 years? Why?

Attraction

Rewards

Proximity

Physical Attractiveness

Reciprocity

Similarity

Barriers

So, What Do Men and Women Want?

7
 Rewards and Attraction

We like those who reward us.
Rewards

Direct Positive consequences we obtain from
Proximity
being with someone

Physical Attractiveness

Indirect Positive consequences that we indirectly
associate with the presence of someone
Reciprocity

What is rewarding depends on our experiences,
Similarity
personality, etc.
Barriers

So, What Do Men and Women Want?

Proximity

We tend to be attracted to those with whom we
share physical proximity.

Proximity has a profound effect on attraction.

List your 3 closest friends:

1 door away, 41%

2 doors away, 22%

3 doors away, 16%

4 doors away, 10%

Festinger et al., 1950

Why is proximity so related to attraction?
Close proximity also makes you more likely to

Convenience cross paths with someone

When others are nearby, its easier to enjoy the
Familiarity:: The more you are exposed to
Familiarity
rewards they offer someone, the more you will be attracted to

When others are far away, it takes more effort to them.
enjoy the rewards they offer.

Mere Exposure Effect:
Effect: The more times you

How might this effect long-
long-distance relationships?
are exposed to someone, the more you will be
attracted to them (Mooreland & Beach, 1992)

8
 Limits of Proximity

Proximity wont make you like things you
Rewards
normally wouldnt like.
Proximity

Proximity accentuates your pre-
pre-existing feelings
Physical Attractiveness
about others.
Reciprocity

Friends and enemies are proximal (California
Similarity
Condo Study 1976).

Barriers

So, What Do Men and Women Want?

Physical Attractiveness

We have a bias for beauty; we assume that
This effect is culture-
culture-free, though the desirable
attractive people are more: traits may vary by culture

Kind, strong, outgoing, sensitive,. Interesting,
In Korea, attractive people are assumed to be more
sociable, nurturing, sexually responsive, poised, concerned for the well-
well-being of others.
happy, well-
well-adjusted, etc.

Talented

Attractive employees earn higher salaries (each extra point
on a 5-
5-point scale is worth $2,600/$2,150)

Attractive professors earn higher student ratings

What is beautiful?

Features considered attractive are relatively
stable across cultures, and are similar to features
that newborn babies find attractive.

Women:

Baby Face: Large eyes, small nose, small chin, full
lips
plus

Mature: Prominent cheekbones, narrow cheeks,
broad smile

9

Baby-faced, warm ,
Baby-
Strong jaws, broad
friendly, attractive foreheads, look strong

More attractive when not and dominant
ovulating
More attractive when
ovulating and fertile

Average faces are more beautiful

Facial features are neither too large nor too small

Faces are symmetrical

Baby-faced, warm ,
Baby-
Strong jaws, broad
friendly, attractive foreheads, look strong

More attractive when not and dominant
ovulating
More attractive when
ovulating and fertile
2 8 32

What is beautiful? Womens bodies

Normal weight > underweight > overweight

Waist-to
Waist- to--hip ratio of .7

Larger breasts preferred IF paired with a low
WHR

10
What is beautiful? Mens bodies Attractiveness Misc.

More difficult to pin down
Men and women prefer his height > her height

Waist--to
Waist to--hip ratio of .9 (only matters if they also
Attractive people smell better.
have resources)
Men prefer longer, versus shorter, hair on

Broad shoulders (shoulder-
(shoulder-to
to--hip ratio of 1.2 ) women.

Why is it attractive? Why is it attractive?

Evolutionary perspective
Evolutionary perspective

What is considered attractive is cross-
cross-cultural
Younger women are more likely to have longer hair

Babies have the same preferences as adults than older women, and youth = health

Symmetrical faces = symmetrical bodies = better
Larger breasts display the effects of aging

mental and physical health
Physical attractiveness matters most in equatorial

In women, WHR close to .7 get pregnant more regions.

easily than higher WHR
Attractiveness preferences are closely tied to the

In men, WHR of .9 in better health than higher menstrual cycle in women.

WHR
We prefer healthy, robust mates; physical
attractiveness is a cue towards health

Culture also influences what is beautiful.
Costs and benefits of beauty:

Looks have a greater effect on the social lives of women than

E.g., Heavy women are more desirable during times men
when the food supply is uncertain
Attractive people are a little happier than unattractive people,

Physical attractiveness is the most important but dont trust others as much

feature in determining initial attraction.
Contrast effects:

effects: Unrealistic media portrayals causes us
to under-
under-estimate the attractiveness of others (less
attracted to own partners after viewing very attractive
models)

Matching:: people pair off with others of similar physical
Matching
attractiveness (more obvious in long-
long-term couples)

11

Rewards
We like people who like us

Proximity
Physical Probability of

Physical Attractiveness Desirability = X
Attractiveness Acceptance

Reciprocity

Similarity
The most attractive partner is one who is

Barriers moderately beautiful and highly likely to accept

So, What Do Men and Women Want? us.

Pick--up lines
Pick

Most people find it hard not to like those who
like them. Women Men

Balance theory suggests that we prefer consistency
Clever
and symmetry in our relationships Openers

so we like those who like us, and dislike those
Innocuous
who dislike us. Openers

Were not likely to ask someone out unless we
Direct
think theyll respond positively Openers

Pick--up lines
Pick

Your body must be a Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

If you were a burger at McDonalds, you'd be named McGorgeous.

Didn't we go to different schools together? Women Men

I hear your body is made up of 75% water, and man, am I thirsty!

God was showing off when he made you.
Clever

Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.

Hi, are you here to meet a nice guy, or will I do? Openers

You must be a parking ticket, because you have fine written all over you.

Excuse me, do you have a neck brace? I think I injured myself when I fell for
Innocuous
you.

Was your Dad in the Air Force? Because you're the bomb.
Openers

Can I borrow your library card, because I'd like to check you out.
Direct

You're more beautiful than 100 pink flamingos on a golf course.
Openers

12
 Pick--up lines
Pick Pick--up lines
Pick

Women Men Women Men

Clever 24%
Clever 24% 90%
Openers Openers

Innocuous
Innocuous
70% 70%
Openers Openers

Direct
Direct
Openers 70% Openers 70%

Pick--up lines
Pick Strategic Partner Selection

If the possibility of rejection is high (and made
Women Men salient), folks prefer potential partners with less

Clever 24% 90% desirable characteristics (to minimize the chance
Openers of rejection)

Innocuous
If the possibility of rejection is low (and made
70% 100%
Openers salient), folks prefer potential partners with

Direct more desirable characteristics (to maximize the
Openers 70% >90% potential gains)

Rewards
Opposites attract.

Proximity
Birds of a feather flock together.

Physical Attractiveness

Reciprocity

Similarity

Barriers

So, What Do Men and Women Want?

13

Opposites attract.

Birds of a feather flock together.

Like attracts like.

Demographic: age, ethnicity, education, social class,
weight

Attitudes and values: Theres no such thing as too
much in common

Personalities: Couples with similar personalities tend
to do better;

Cmon, dont opposites attract?

Often, it seems that way, when its not.

People are attracted when they have a similar mate
value

Men often determined by resources (youth not an issue, as
men are fertile through old age)

Women often determined by youth/looks (fertility ends in
middle age with menopause

Men married in their 20s are 2 years older than their wives

Men married in their 50s are 15 years older than their wives

Discovering similarities takes time

Initial attraction may be based on perceived (rather
than actual) similarities

Stimulus-value-
Stimulus- value-role theory suggests that there
are three different types of information about
new partners that gradually unfold over time.

Stimulus: age, sex, physical appearance

Value: attitudes and beliefs

Role: parenting, careers, life tasks

14

Fatal attractions: When qualities that initially
OK, so sometimes opposites do attract:
attract someone become a source of
Complementarity when opposite
disagreement. characteristics complement one another

Sometimes, we are attracted to people who are
Though even then, similarity often rules the day.
similar to our ideal selves
Why is similarity important?

Though, the differences should not be too great
It affirms our sense of selves

We can anticipate friendly relationships with similar

Dissimilarity decreases over time others, because theyll like us

Fewer areas of disagreement

Barriers

Rewards
Reactance When people lose freedom of action or
choice, they struggle to regain that freedom.

Proximity

Physical Attractiveness

Romeo and Juliet Effect:
Effect: The more our parents

Reciprocity interfere with our romances, the more desirable that

Similarity partner becomes.

Barriers

Closing time effect:
effect: Others become more attractive

So, What Do Men and Women Want? at closing time (not just beer-
beer-goggles)

Rewards
World wide, attractive partners are ones who

Proximity possess:
1. Warmth and loyalty

Physical Attractiveness 2. Attractiveness and vitality

Reciprocity 3. Status and resources

Similarity
For short-
short-term flings, 2 > 3 & 1

Barriers
For womens long term relationships, 3 & 1 >

So, What Do Men and Women Want? 2

For mens long term relationships, 1 & 2 > 3

15
The Anxiously Attached: Unpopular
Social Cognition
and Unselective

Anxiously attached individuals are rated as less
desirable in speed dating situations

Anxiously attached individuals are less selective
in choosing mates they pick more people than
the securely-
securely-attached.

This puts them in a situation where they are more
likely to experience rejection

Are they anxiously attached because they
experience more rejection?

Social Cognition

How we think about our relationships has a
First Impressions
large impact on our relationships.
Perceptions

What we think determines how we feel and act.
Impression Management

How Well Do We Know Our Partners?

First Impressions

First impressions last a long, long time
We to rarely confront convincing evidence that

First impressions arent actually first we start with our first impressions are wrong.
stereotypes based on physical characteristics
(male/female, old/young, etc.)
As a result, we tend to be overconfident
overconfident:: We

Primacy Effect information we have about an put too much faith in our judgments, and think
individual influences how we interpret later that were right about others more often than we
information really are.

Confirmation Bias Were more likely to seek out
information that confirms (rather than contradicts)
our previous biases
We make more mistakes than we realize!

16

Our beliefs can change over time, but first
impressions:

Direct our attention to certain types of information

Influence our interpretation of later facts.

Our existing beliefs about our relationships are
always important

but were often wrong!

How well do you know your partners sexual
Your friends can predict the outcomes of your
history? romantic relationships better than you can.

First Impressions
Positive Illusions: Our perceptions of our partners

tend to emphasize their virtues and minimize their

Perceptions faults.

Impression Management
These perceptions are a combination of real information and
our idea of what an ideal lover would be.

How Well Do We Know Our Partners?
Faults arent overlooked as much as minimized

Positive illusions are associated with greater love, satisfaction,
trust, and commitment

Disillusionment can be avoided by revising the ideal.

Friends can judge our partners more accurately than we
can!

Attributions

Attributions: The explanations we develop for why
Actor/observer effect:
effect: People generate
something happened (or why someone did something) different explanations for their own actions than

Emphasize the role of some influences they do for the similar actions they observe in

De
De--emphasize the role of other influences others.

We can emphasize influences that are:

As actors, we note external pressures, but

Internal to a person, such as personality or mood, or
external,, describing the situation the person faced.
external
as observers, we make internal attributions.

Stable and lasting, or
Self-serving bias
Self- bias:: People want to take credit
unstable and temporary. for their successes and avoid blame for their

Global,, affecting many situations, or
Global failures
specific,, affecting only a few.
specific

17

Therefore Problems in our relationships are
not our fault!

Relationship Attributions: The meaning we

attribute to the causes of our partners behavior.

Relationship attributions can be:

Relationship-Enhancing
Relationship-

Distress--Maintaining
Distress

Memories
130

Our perceptions of current events are influenced

120 cRAM= -.65369
by our memories of past events

Reconstructive Memory is used to describe
DAS

cRAM = 0

110
the fact that our memories are continually
cRAM = +.65379
revised and rewritten as new events occur.
100
-487 555

Partners current feelings about one another
Stress (Centered FILE Score)
influence how they view the past

How we first met

Relationship Beliefs

Romanticism is the view that love should be the most
Some relationship beliefs are dysfunctional:
important basis for choosing a mate:
Disagreements are destructive.

Our love will be nearly perfect.

Mindreading is essential.

Partners cannot change.

Theres only one true love for me.
Sex should be perfect every time.

True love will find a way to overcome any obstacle.
Men and women are different.

Love is possible at first sight.
Great relationships just happen.

Destiny beliefs assume partners are either well-
well-suited,

Romantic beliefs are associated with more love, or not
satisfaction, and commitment in romantic relationships
Growth beliefs assume that good relationships are
(but doesnt predict who breaks up) hard work.

18
 Expectations

We often get the reactions we expect from others.
P forms an expectancy about T

Self--fulfilling prophecies are false predictions that
Self
P acts (subtle communication)
come true because they lead people to behave in ways
T interprets Ps Behavior
that make the erroneous predictions come true
T responds (generally in a reciprocal fashion)

Self--fulfilling prophecies are extraordinary examples of
Self
P interprets Ts response
the power of perceptions.

Actor/observer effect: Ignoring Ps own role in producing it

The events that result from them occur only because
Confirmation bias
people expect them to, and then act as if they will.
Snyders (1977) study

Self--Perceptions
Self

If we expect to be liked by a stranger, we are
Our self
self--concepts encompass all the beliefs and

If we expect to be disliked by a stranger, we are feelings we have about ourselves.

Rejection sensitivity
The self
self--enhancement motive leads us to seek

Folks who expect rejection tend to act in ways that feedback that makes us look good.
make rejection more likely

The self
self--verification motive leads us to seek
feedback that supports and verifies our existing self-
self-
concepts.

If people have positive self-

self-concepts, they tend
People seek intimate partners who support their
to associate with others who compliment and existing self-
self-concepts, good or bad.
praise them
Marriage--Shift:
Marriage Shift: In committed relationships,

However, if one has a negative self-
self-concept, the self--verification wins out
self
two motives conflict:
My wife praises me I feel good!

They like praise, but upon reflection, dont trust it
I dont deserve it.

They may avoid praise because it doesnt gel with the
My wife couldnt have meant it.
way they see themselves
Therefore, I dont trust her.

19
 Impression Management

First Impressions
Impression Management is the attempt to influence
the impressions of us that others form.

Perceptions
This is often not done intentionally

Impression Management
People wash their hands more in public restrooms

Women eat less on dates with attractive men

How Well Do We Know Our Partners?

Impression management usually involves showing
others -- perhaps in a selective fashion -- who we really
are.

It rarely involves lying and pretense. People seldom
pretend to be things they are not

Impression Management Strategies

Ingratiation doing favors, paying compliments, and
As romantic relationships progress, we worry less about
being friendly and charming to elicit liking from others. creating a favorable impression (even though those
relationships are the most important)

Self--promotion recounting accomplishments or
Self

We already know they like us, so theres less motivation to
displaying skills to elicit respect from others. gain approval.

Supplication appearing inept or infirm to elicit help
They know us well, so theres little we can do to affect what
and nurturance from others. they think.

And some people simply get lazy and work less hard to be

Intimidation appearing threatening or dangerous to polite and charming.
elicit fear and compliance from others.
Once a relationship is formed, people often engage in
management of their partners impression

First Impressions
Not as well as we think we do.

Perceptions

Impression Management
Knowledge

How Well Do We Know Our Partners?
Intimate partners have detailed knowledge about
each other

and they do come to understand each other better
as their relationship develops

20

Motivation
Partner Legibility:
Legibility: Some people are just easier

However, long periods of close contact gradually to read than others
result in less, not more accuracy.

Perceiver Ability:
Ability: Some folks are better judges

Accurate judgments depend in part on the interest
and effort with which two people try to understand than others
each other.
Intelligent, open-
open-minded people

Women spend more time thinking about their established
Secure attachment style
relationships than men (and are better judges when fertile)

Training can improve empathy

Women are better judges of others than men (but men
can do just as well if you pay them)

Threatening Perceptions
Perceiver Influence We are not passive

There may things we do not want to know. perceivers

The closer their relationship, the less accurate people
If we realize that our partners are not the people
were in judging their partners interest in other we wish they were, we may try to change them.
attractive people

Due to perceiver influence, judgments that are

unless they had an anxious-
anxious-ambivalent attachment initially inaccurate may become more correct as
style. (Does such accuracy lead to chronic anxiety?)
we induce our partners to become the people we
want them to be.

Communication Communication

More often than we realize, we face an
interpersonal gap

in which a senders intentions (what he or she
wanted to communicate)

differ from the messages that others actually receive.

21

Nonverbal Communication

Verbal Communication

Dysfunctional Communication

Functions of Nonverbal
Communication

Nonverbal communication involves all the
Providing Information

A persons moods, intentions, and meaning are usually
things people do in interaction except for what evident in his or her nonverbal behavior.
they say.

Regulating Interaction

What people say the vocabulary, grammar, and

Subtle nonverbal cues allow people to take turns in a
syntax they use is verbal communication. conversation smoothly and gracefully (dropping your voice at

But the sound of their voices or how they say the end of a statement).
things is nonverbal communication.

Defining Relationships

Nonverbal actions express intimacy and carry signals of
power and status.

Components of Nonverbal
Communication

Facial Expressions
People sometimes try to control facial
expressions in order to follow display rules,
rules, the

All over the world, people display particular facial
cultural norms that dictate what emotions
expressions when they are feeling certain emotions.
should be present in particular situations.

As a result, facial expressions are good guides to
others moods and feelings (when theyre authentic
Intensifying, or exaggerating, them
Intensifying,
and honest.)
Minimizing,, or lessening, them
Minimizing

Neutralizing
Neutralizing,, or withholding, them

Masking
Masking,, or replacing, them with other apparent
emotions

22

However, even when people try to control their facial
expressions, the truth may leak out.

Feigned expressions tend to be subtly different from
authentic ones.

Microexpressions,, authentic flashes of real emotion, may be
Microexpressions
visible during short lapses of control

Paul Ekmans Facial Action Coding System

http://www.cio.com/article/facial--expressions-
http://www.cio.com/article/facial expressions-test

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/smiles/

23
 Components of Nonverbal
Communication

Gazing Behavior: The direction and amount of a
persons eye contact is also influential.

Looking at someone can communicate interest and affection

Strangers who spend time gazing into each others eyes tend to like
each other.

But a lot of looking can also communicate dominance and
status.
look--speak
look
The visual = --------------------
dominance ratio look
look--listen

High-status people tend to use a higher visual dominance ratio

High-
than people of lower status do.

Components of Nonverbal
Communication

Body Movement: Gestures can replace spoken
words, but they vary widely from culture to
culture (unlike facial expressions).

The posture and motion of the body are

also informative.

Brief observation of the behavior of others
allows us to judge their personalities with
some accuracy.

US: Okay!
Body postures also signal status. High-
High-

France: Zero. status people adopt open, asymmetric

Japan: Money! postures that take up a lot of space.

Some Mediterranian Countries: A
Ahole!

24
 Gaydar

Some studies suggest sexual orientation can be assessed
by observing a 10 second video of body movements
(72% accuracy)

Gait

Heterosexual men move their shoulders when they walk

Heterosexual women move their hips when they walk

Differences in posture and gazing

Homosexuals are better at judging sexual orientation
(higher investment)

Components of Nonverbal Components of Nonverbal

Communication Communication

Touch: Touching defines relationships.
Interpersonal Distance: different zones of personal
space for different kinds of interactions

Closeness and affection
Public zone formal interactions at more than 12 feet away.

Partners touch each other more as their relationship becomes
Social zone businesslike interactions 4 to 12 feet away.
more intimate.
Personal zone the area 1 to 4 feet away used for interactions with
friends and acquaintances.

Intimate zone the area within 1 feet of the front of our chests.

Dominance and status.

High-status people are more likely to touch those of lower
High-
Distance differs by
status than vice versa.

culture (French, Arabic, and Latin cultures are closer than US)

gender (men use greater distances)

Men and women react differently to touch
Status (high status folks get afforded more space)

Components of Nonverbal Components of Nonverbal

Communication Communication

Paralanguage is all the variations in a persons
Combining the Components

Nonverbal behavior usually reinforces our verbal meaning.
voice other than the actual words he or she uses:

When there is a discrepancy the true meaning usually lies in

Rhythm, pitch, volume, rate, accent nonverbal communication.

Sarcasm when people say one thing but mean another (usually
the opposite).

E.g., baby talk, is a vocal style characterized by
Nonverbal actions also allow us to fine-
fine-tune the intimacy of our
variable intonation, high pitch, and unique interactions to establish a comfortable level of closeness.
rhythms.
We can increase or decrease the perceived intimacy of an
interaction by adjusting, for instance, our distance, gaze, lean,

used with babies, lovers, pets, and elderly people and touch.

25
 Flirting Flirting

Facial Expressions
Facial Expressions: Smiling, open pouting

Gazing Behavior mouth

Gazing Behavior: Increased eye contact

Body Movement

Body Movement: Head cant, open defenseless

Touch stance

Interpersonal Distance
Touch: Increased touch

Paralanguage
Interpersonal Distance: Closer distance

Paralanguage: Animated, more laughter, warmer
tones

Sexual Interest

Facial Expressions: Even more Smiling, open
Men cant tell the difference between friendly
pouting mouth flirtation and sexual interest as well as women

Gazing Behavior: Even more increased eye
Men tend to over-
over-assume sexual interest
contact
Women who are intending to be fun and festive

Body Movement: Tilted head (but no more) are often misunderstood

Touch: Even more touch

Interpersonal Distance: Even closer distance

Paralanguage: Even more intimate

Nonverbal Sensitivity

Envoyer cette annonce un ami par courriel Le meilleur de Craigslist > chicago > Cop who gave me a ticket for drinkng in public - m4w

Publi le : Sun, 1 Jun 16:46 CDT
Cop who gave me a ticket for drinkng in public - m4w

The accuracy with which couples communicate

Date: 2008-
2008-0606--01, 4:46PM CDT
nonverbally predicts how happy their relationships will
We already had a drink together kind of. What with me sitting on a stoop finishing my Stella while you wrote me a ticket. But I feel kind of bad that our first
date involved a couple of my friends, who were none too sober, and you had a workmate out with you. Also, while you seemed real
took my address, phone number, height, weight, even eye color, I didn't even get your name. Frankly, I found your instant fascin
real interested in me: you
fascination
ation with me a little
be.
flattering, if slightly creepy. I suppose a gals gotta be on her guard these days though. Still, it's not very flirty to take down
down my DL number.
Anyway, you did set up a second date with me but it was at a courthouse in the early afternoon and you kept telling me I didn't
didn't have to go if I don't want to.
You had the courage to just pull over onto the side of the road to talk to me but you're being coy about our second encounter?
encounter? What
What gives?

Spouses who do poorly at nonverbal communication
Maybe we could go somewhere a little less arrestee instead. We'd have to go dutch since I'll be spending my date money on the fi
seemed like a pretty independent woman so I don't suspect you'll have too much of a problem with that.
fine
ne you gave me but you tend to be dissatisfied and when such problems occur
You were really pretty with a surprisingly warm smile given the situation. I was the one who made a joke about pronouncing "stel
"stella"
accent. We could be like the lamest cop/criminal romantic comedy ever. You could be torn between your job and me and ultimately
thwart my schemes to drink in public without landing me in the slammer. It'd be great.
la" with a proper French
ultimately figure out zany ways to
A person is assigned a meaning to convey; the partner
Seriously though officer, do you wanna go on a date? and a stranger try and interpret the meaning




Location: Western and Lincoln
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

If the partner is wrong but the stranger is right, the fault lies


PostingID: 703840689 with the partners decoding skill

If both are wrong, the fault lies with the persons encoding
skill

26

Women work harder at nonverbal
Nonverbal deficits may occur either
communication than men usually do.
because people lack the necessary skills

Convicted rapists have a hard time identifying negative emotion in

Women send clearer, more comprehensible women
messages
Abusive mothers misinterpret negative emotions as positive in infants

Women attentively interpret others behavior more
because theyre not trying very hard to do well.
accurately.
For most of us, nonverbal insensitivity is likely due to inattention and
a lack of effort.

When spouses communicate poorly, both of
them make a lot of mistakes, but the husbands
Men read others as well as women do when they are
usually make more of them. equally motivated to make good judgments.

Sex and Power Differences

Nonverbal Low--Status
Low High
High--Status
Behavior Women Men Person Person
==========================================================================================

Smiling more less more less

Gazing low VDR high VDR low VDR high VDR

Posture closed, open, closed, open,

symmetric asymmetric symmetric asymmetric
asymmetric

Touch less more less more

Distance less more less more

Paralanguage submissive assertive submissive assertive

assertive

Nonverbal
Sensitivity more less more less

Nonverbal Communication
Self-disclosure

Self-disclosure:: revealing personal information
to someone else

Verbal Communication
A defining characteristic of intimate relationships

Social Penetration Theory:
Theory: partners become

Dysfunctional Communication more intimate by increasing two aspects of their
verbal communication:

Breadth the variety of topics they discuss

Depth the personal significance of the topics
they discuss.

27

Taboo topics are sensitive matters that partners agree,
explicitly or implicitly, not to talk about.

The state of ones relationship.

Current relationships with other partners

Breadth increases faster than depth does at the
As relationships worsen,

beginning of a relationship;
Depenetration occurs, as the wedge returns into a sliver

Reciprocity is evident, as the partners match
Breadth lessens, while depth remains: a long, thin dagger of
words designed to hurt
each others level of openness;

Responsiveness sustains intimacy and depth;

Self-disclosure is usually, but not always, gradual.

Self-
High openers are people who pull for more self-
self-

Rapid self-
self-disclosure may violate others expectations disclosure
and engender poor evaluations.
More attentive during conversation

More gazing and nodding

We reveal more personal information to those we like;
Verbally express interest

We also tend to like others more because we have
Look interested
opened up to them;

Reciprocal self-
self-disclosure builds trust; and

Were liked more by others when we self-
self-disclose.

Gender Differences in Verbal Gender Differences in Verbal

Communication Communication

Topics of Conversation
Styles of Conversation

Women discuss their feelings and gossip about
Women speak less forcefully, using more hedges and
others more often than men do. questions, and less profanity, than men do.

Men tend to stick to more impersonal matters such
Men also do most of the talking. Men interrupt
as sports, and they seek a few laughs instead of more
support and counsel.

28
 Gender Differences in Verbal Gender Differences in Verbal
Communication Communication

Self--Disclosure
Self
People who are high in expressivity share

Men tend to disclose less to their partners than
intimate verbal communication with people they
women do, but they do disclose more personal
trust.
information to women than to other men.
So, its really just macho men who are taciturn
and who have difficulty opening up to their
partners.

Interactions that involve a woman tend to be more
intimate than are interactions that involve only men.
Androgynous men tend to have intimate,
disclosing interactions with both men and
women, just like women do.

Men and women tend to differ in their reactions to
Nonverbal Communication

neutral interactions that are devoid of either affection
or animosity.

Verbal Communication

If a man isnt complaining, women tend to think
Dysfunctional Communication
everythings okay

If a woman isnt overtly affectionate, men tend to think

somethings wrong.

Miscommunication Miscommunication

Unhappy partners do a poor job of saying what
Unhappy partners also do a poor job of hearing
they mean. each other.

Kitchen--sinking
Kitchen sinking:: confusing issues by addressing
Mindreading: Jumping to conclusions and wrongly
assuming that they understand their partners.
several topics at once, rather than being specific and
precise
They interrupt to express disagreement frequently.

Their conversations frequently drift off-

off-beam
beam,,
Cross-complaining,
Cross-complaining, responding to a partners
wandering from topic to topic. complaint with one of their own.

29
 Miscommunication What Do We Do?

Unhappy partners also display negative affect when they
Say what you mean
talk with each other:

Criticism attacks a partners personality or character (rather than
Behavior description: Identify as plainly as possible a
complaining about a behavior) specific behavior that annoyed you.

Contempt in the form of mockery and insults occurs; (Name-
(Name-Calling,
hostile humor, mockery, body language)
I-statements: Start with I and then describe a

Defensiveness leads to excuses or counterattacks distinct, specific emotional reaction.

Stonewalling may follow when someone withdraws; and

Belligerence and aggressiveness can result.
XYZ statements: Combine behavior descriptions with
I-statements:

When communication routinely involves these contentious When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.
patterns, the outlook for the relationship is grim.

Active Listening
Active Listening

As listeners, we face two vital tasks:
Paraphrasing: repeat the message in our own

Accurately understanding what our partners are words and give the sender a chance to agree that
trying to say, and thats what he or she really meant.

Communicating that attention and comprehension
Perception checking: Assessing the accuracy of
to our partners so that they know we care about our inferences by asking for clarification and
what theyve said. feedback.

Be Polite and Stay Cool Respect and Validation

Staying cool when youre provoked, and being able to
Validation: Acknowledge the legitimacy of our
calm down when you begin to get angry, are very
valuable skills. partners opinions and communicate respect for

Avoid the temptation to attribute hostile intent to your their positions (even when we disagree with
partner. them)

Schedule regular meetings for the polite airing of
grievances.
Recognition of, and respect for, a partners point

Dont keep trading sarcastic insults when you get angry; of view can make disagreements much more
take a time out. tolerable.

Take just six long, slow, deep breaths per minute, and
youll calm down faster than you think.

30
 Interdependency

Interdependency takes an economic look at
relationships.

Social Exchange
Social Exchange:

Exchange: Successful relationships entail the
mutual exchange of desirable rewards with others.

The Economies of Relationships

Are We Really This Greedy?
Rewards are results of an interaction that are

The Nature of Commitment gratifying, welcome, and fulfilling.

Costs are consequences that are frustrating, distressing,
and undesirable.

Outcomes are an interactions net profit or loss.

Outcome = Rewards - Costs

Expectations

Interdependence theory suggests that we
Comparison level: (or CL) describes what we
evaluate the outcomes we receive with two expect and feel we deserve in our dealings with
criteria: others.

Expectations: What we expect from our
Expectations:
When our outcomes exceed our comparison levels,
relationships, and were happy and content.

Alternatives: How well we think we can do with
But when our outcomes are lower than our
other partners. comparison levels, were disgruntled and distressed.

31
 Alternatives

CL is thus the standard with which satisfaction
Comparison level for alternatives (or CLalt)
with a relationship is assessed. the outcomes we (think we) can get elsewhere,
also used to evaluate our relationship.
Outcomes CL = Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction

Our CLalts are the lowest level of outcomes we

Even if a relationship is profitable and will accept from our current partners.
rewarding, you may not be satisfied if the profit
isnt big enough to meet your expectations.
Why?

If we think we can do better in another
CLalt is a complex, multifaceted judgment

relationship, were likely to leave our present involving both the costs of leaving and the
partners and pursue those bigger payoffs even if rewards offered by others.
were currently happy with what weve got.

Investments are the things we lose when a

If were currently miserable, we wont leave relationship ends.
unless a better alternative presents itself.

Four Types of Relationships Four Types of Relationships

Good Outcomes Good Outcomes

------ Current Outcomes ____ CL

____ CL ------ Current Outcomes
____ CLalt ____ CLalt

Poor Outcomes
Poor Outcomes

When outcomes exceed CLalt but fall below CL,

CL,
When outcomes exceed both CL and CLalt,
its a UNHAPPY but STABLE relationship.
its a HAPPY and STABLE relationship.

32
Four Types of Relationships Four Types of Relationships
Good Outcomes Good Outcomes

____ CLalt
____ CLalt
------ Current Outcomes
____ CL
____ CL
------ Current Outcomes

Poor Outcomes
Poor Outcomes

When outcomes exceed CL but fall below CLalt,

When outcomes fall below both CL and CLalt,
its a HAPPY but UNSTABLE relationship.
its an UNHAPPY and UNSTABLE relationship.

CL and CLalt Change

CLs
CLs are based on our past experiences, and they
Social Exchange
fluctuate along with the outcomes we receive.

Hedonic treadmill: Excellent outcomes delight us at
The Economies of Relationships
first, but cause our CLs
CLs will rise, and those outcomes
Are We Really This Greedy?
become less satisfying because our expectations have
gone up.
The Nature of Commitment

Our CLalts have increased as the costs of departing a
marriage have decreased, and people have more options
and partners available to them.

Women work

People are mobile

Legal and social barriers to divorce have eroded

Counting up the rewards and costs of a relationship
Appetitive: Motivation to gain positive outcomes
provides information about its current state and likely
Aversive: Motivation to avoid negative outcomes
future.

Costs are particularly influential because bad is stronger
than good (Negative events carry more psychological
weight).

Rewards need to outnumber costs by at least 5-to to--1 if
were to stay satisfied with a close relationship.

Gottman Accumulating Pos-
Pos-Neg over time

33
 Boredom in Relationships Rewards and Costs over Time

Data from the Early Years of Marriage Project
suggests that relationship boredom undermines
closeness, and leads to BIG declines over 9 years

Relationship boredom is defined as a low
apetitive state not an aversive experience
(Harasymchuk; Strong)

Why does satisfaction decrease?

Overall, marital satisfaction declines over time.
Lack of Effort People may stop working as hard as they once
did to be charming.

Conflict is Magnified
Magnified Conflict is more consequential, and
annoyances more aggravating, because of the close and frequent
contact that comes with intimacy

Access to Weaponry Intimate partners know our foibles and
our secrets, and that gives them the means to hurt us, even
unintentionally, in ways others cant.

Unrealistic Expectations Some surprises are inevitable.

Self Expansion Intrinsic appetitive rewards decrease as we
learn more about our partner

On average, people who marry with the highest
Social Exchange

expectations of how special and wonderful
The Economies of Relationships
wedlock will be are the least happy spouses a few
Are We Really This Greedy?
years later.

The Nature of Commitment

When it comes to making relationships work, there may

be more danger in nave optimism than in informed
caution.

34

If you value a relationship, youll want to keep
Exchange relationships:
relationships: people expect quick
repayment of any favors or benefits that are provided.
your partner happy, so that he or she will want

Partners are more content when favors are repaid
to stay with you. immediately

Providing rewarding outcomes to your partner,
Partners keep track of each others contributions to the
relationship.
even if it involves effort and sacrifice, can be
Communal relationships:
relationships: people do favors for each
self--serving if it causes a desirable relationship to
self other without expecting explicit repayment.
continue.
Partners are more content when favors are not quickly repaid

Partners do not keep track of each others contributions to
the relationship.

Even though communal relationships seem

generous, social exchange theory still applies

Tit
Tit--for-
for-tat exchanges still take place in
communal relationships, but they involve
diverse types of rewards that are provided over a
long span of time.

People dont need to sweat the small stuff in
happy, highly rewarding relationships, but they
begin to do so if dissatisfaction looms.

Equitable Relationships

When equity exists, a relationship is fair:
When a partnership is inequitable
inequitable::

one partner is receiving too much, and is said to be

Each partner gains benefits from the overbenefited,, and
overbenefited

the other partner is receiving too little, and is said to be
relationship that are proportional to his or her underbenefited..
underbenefited
contributions to it:
Its distressing to be underbenefited. In response:

People may try to restore actual equity,

changing their (or their partners) contributions or outcomes.
Your outcomes Your partners outcomes
---------------------- = ---------------------------------
People may try to restore psychological equity,

convincing themselves that they are getting what they deserve.
Your contributions Your partners contributions
Or, people may abandon the relationship,

seeking fairness elsewhere as a last resort.

35

Inequity is not ideal, but equity may not matter
Social Exchange
much if a relationship is highly rewarding and
The Economies of Relationships
both partners are prospering
Are We Really This Greedy?

The Nature of Commitment

Investment Model of Commitment

Commitment: the intention to continue a

relationship.

Committed partners expect their relationship to
continue,

They take a long-
long-term view, and

They are psychologically attached to each other.

Consequences of Commitment

Personal commitment when people want to
Accommodative behavior temporarily tolerating
continue a relationship because it is satisfying. provocation from ones partner without fighting back

Willingness to sacrifice putting the well-
well-being of

Constraint commitment when people feel they have the relationship ahead of ones own self-
self-interest
to continue a relationship because it would cost too
much to leave
Perceived superiority considering ones
relationship to be better than those of other people

Moral commitment when people feel they ought to
continue a relationship because it would be wrong to
Even if were motivated by greed, greed makes us
break their vows. unselfish, considerate, and caring to those we love.

36
 INSERT EXAM I ABOUT HERE

Love

Consider this:

You have met a potential long term mate
Everything is perfect, and the two of you are
perfectly suited, with one exception: you do not love
this person.

Would you marry them?

For one of the first times in history, love is
Attitudes toward love across time and cultures
considered a prerequisite for marriage vary on at least 4 dimensions:

In 1967, 76% of women and 35% of men would
Cultural value:
value: Is love a desirable or undesirable
marry an otherwise perfect match who they did not state?
love.
Sexuality
Sexuality:: Should love be sexual or nonsexual?

Why is love suddenly so important?
Sexual orientation:
orientation: Should love involve
homosexual or heterosexual partners?

Marital status:
status: Should we love our spouses, or is
love reserved for others?

37
 Theories of Love

Ancient Greece: Passionate attraction is madness! Triangular Theory of Love
Platonic love is perfect, as epitomized by the love
Sternberg proposed that love is comprised of 3
between two men. components:

Ancient Rome: Marriage had to do with making
Intimacy: Warmth, understanding, communication, support,
Intimacy:
favorable alliances, etc. Love has nothing to do with it. sharing

12th Century Europe: Passionate love is bad, courtly
Passion:: Physical arousal and desire
Passion
love is adulterous
Commitment:: Decision to devote oneself entirely to a
Commitment
relationship, and to work to maintain it.

17th / 18th century England Romantic love could have
a happy ending
Different types of love are defined by the three
components

Nonlove The absence of all three
Romantic love = Intimacy + Passion

components (accquaintances, strangers)
Typical of many early relationships, dating relationships,
summer love affairs

Liking Intimacy only Friendship
Companionate love = Intimacy + Commitment

Infatuation Passion only Often experienced
Deep, long-
long-term friendship; tends to typify the end of a long,
happy marriage
when you are aroused by someone you barely
Fatuous love = Passion + Commitment
know.
Whirlwind Hollywood romances, investing heavily in
passion

Empty love Commitment only In the west,

Consumate love = Passion + Intimacy +
a burned out relationship; in arranged Commitment
marriages, often the first step.
The ideal easy to do for a while, but hard to maintain

What predictions does the theory make?
Doesnt demonstrate the distinctions between

Passion and intimacy are affective experiences, the way different types of love are experienced.
commitment is cognitive in nature

Passion decreases over time, commitment builds

Neurochemically, sexual desire is distinct from

attachment and commitment

Men experience more love towards their partner
when sexually aroused (even by sexually explicit
material) contradicts prior research

38
 Passionate (Romantic) Love

I love you, but Im not in love with you refers
So, if physiological arousal = passion, does
to a lack of passionate love. attractiveness of the target matter?

Passionate love is:
Attractiveness of Women

Physiological arousal

The belief that another person is the cause of your
Arousal of Men High Low
arousal. Low 26.1 15.1

Excitation transfer occurs when arousal caused High 32.4 9.4
by one event fuels stronger emotional reactions
to a second, unrelated event.
Arousal serves to magnify the original response.

Does the source of the arousal matter?
Passionate Love (Hatfield and Sprecher)

Negatively arousing: Description of brutal killing
Intense desire to be with other

Reciprocity is met with ecstasy

Positively arousing: Steve Martin

Unrequited love is met with despair and agony

Neutral: Description of the circulatory system of a
frog.
Phenylethylamine (PEA) has been suggested as the
chemical basis for passion

The effect of misattribution of arousal was the
Related to amphetemines, elevates mood and increases
same regardless of the source of the arousal energy

This explains why make-
make-up sex can be so
This is why you can stay up all night talking with/making
passionate love to someone with whom you are deeply in passionate
love.

Horror movies are date movies, roller coasters, etc

Passionate love is:

Physiological arousal

The belief that another person is the cause of your
arousal.

Preoccupation and obsessive thinking are par
for the course in passionate love.

Once romance enters into the picture,
undesirable information about potential partners
gets tossed by the wayside.

39
 Couple Friends

Self-expansion theory love causes our self
Self- self--
Used Arons closeness induction to study the effect of
new social experiences on relationship quality
concept to change and expand
When one couple engaged in a closeness exercise with

Early relationships are exciting and challenging another couple, both couples were more satisfied with
their own relationships

Rapid self-
self-expansion occurs as we incorporate

This was not true of the small talk group
aspects of our partner into our sense of self

Shared social experiences create feelings of closeness

Resource management tasks suggest that partners are (and self-
self-expansion), with creates positive affect, and in
treated as the self. turn spills over into the relationship

Keeping passion alive in relationships is a matter of
maintaining growth, challenge, and excitement.
Is this how marital enrichment programs work?

Companionate Love

I married my best friend.
Companionate love is the most-
most-cited reason for lasting
relationships.

Comfortable, affectionate, trusting love for a
likable partner, based on a deep sense of
44% of premarital adults indicated that their romantic
partners are their best friends
friendship and involving companionship and the
enjoyment of common activities, mutual
interests, and shared laughter. (Grote & Frieze,
Passionate love gets people to marry (and have sex
and make children)
1994, p. 275)

Companionate love gets people to stay married (and

Triangular love calls it a combination of provide for the offspring)
intimacy and commitment
Oxytocin Peaks after orgasm, breastfeeding, etc.

Love Styles

Eros erotic love with a strong physical component
Men score higher on ludus than women do, and

Ludus playful and uncommitted; love is a game
Women are more storgic and pragmatic than

Storge love that emphasizes friendship and men.
commitment

Mania possessive, obsessive love that is full of
fantasy
These love styles allow researchers to fine-
fine-tune

Agape altruistic, selfless, dutiful love their analyses of the diverse experiences people

Pragma practical and pragmatic, dispassionate love have with love.

40
 Individual Differences in Love Attachment Styles

Certain types of people experience more love
than others.

Early studies demonstrated that people with
secure attachment styles experience more
intimacy, passion, and commitment than people
with anxious/ambivalent or avoidant styles do.

More recent attachment research suggests 2
different types of avoidant attachment

Two themes are now thought to underlie the

four styles:

Anxiety over abandonment describing the
worry that others will find us unworthy and
leave us, and

Avoidance of intimacy describing the ease
and trust with which we accept interdependent
intimacy with others

Beliefs, expectations, and memories secure people
Personal well-

well-being secure people have
have more favorable views of others than insecure
people do. better mental health than insecure people do.

Communication secure people are more open and
Relationship satisfaction day by day, secure
self--disclosing with their partners than insecure people
self
are. people are more satisfied and content with their

Coping and caregiving secure people provide more relationships than insecure people are.
effective help and support to their partners than
insecure people do.

Sexual behavior secure people are more satisfied
Importantly, the quality of our attachments can
with their sexual interactions with their partners than vary from partner to partner
insecure people are.

41
 Age Differences in Love Sex differences in Love

Emotions become less intense, and generally
Men and women are more similar than different
more positive as people age when it comes to love.

However, men are more likely to believe in
love at first sight, and they want their loves to

The burning, urgent, intense emotions that lead be passionate.
young people to marry seem to dwindle with
Women are more cautious and selective, and
time, being replaced by a more genial outlook on they feel passion more slowly.
love.

Why?

Does Love Last?

Passion = Testosterone?

Griffin Hansbury, TAL Episode 220

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episod
e.aspx?episode=220

17:00

Does Love last?

No

Romantic/Passionate love declines after
marriage

After two years of marriage, average spouses
express affection for each other only half as
often as they did when they were newlyweds.

Some research suggests that the brain habituates

Divorces occur more frequently in the fourth
to high levels of PEA even if you are just as
year of marriage than at any other time
passionate, you experience it less intensely

42
 Can Romantic Love be Long-
Long-
Lasting?

Often, the love that encourages people to marry
There are lots of reasons why passionate love
is not the love that keeps them together decades should decline over time:
later.
Habituation to PEA

Companionate love is more stable than romantic
Evolutionary function of passion is to mate
love is.
Intensity of emotions declines with age

So, dont be disappointed if your urgent desires
Self

Self--expansion, once you learn all you can about
gradually resolve into more placid but deep your partner, self-
self-expansion slows.
affection for your beloved. That happy result is
However, some folks are starting to suggest
likely to make you a lucky lover. otherwise.

Can Romantic Love be Long-

Long- Can Romantic Love be Long-
Long-
Lasting? Lasting?

However, some folks are starting to suggest
Survey data suggests:
otherwise.
Established couples with high passion still

Evolutionary psych: Passion gives folks alertness, experience focus, valuing, sexual interest, craving for
energy, toned bodies, etc (all of which are adaptive) union

Buss has admitted its a cue to long term

Established couples do not experience the manic
relationships
correlates of passion: jealousy, obsession, etc.

Self
Self--expansion suggests ways in which relationships
can be reinvigorated

Survey data always has some outliers intensely
passionate well-
well-established couples

Can Romantic Love be Long-

Long- Can Romantic Love be Long-
Long-
Lasting? Lasting?

fMRI data in young couples suggest passion is active:
What differentiates the couples who maintain

In the major reward centers (Ventral Tegmentum Area, VTA)

In the areas associated with obsessive-
obsessive-compulsive disorders passion from those that dont?

New fMRI data in older, passionate couples suggest
They tend to be passionate and energetic about
passion is active: everything

In the major reward centers (VTA)

Securely attached

NOT in the OCD areas

Therefore, passion still exists (in some couples), it just
loses the immature, possessive, dependent, and jealous
qualities
So, it seems love can last, after all (even passion!)

This effect is NOT a function of closeness

43
 Is Love Universal?

Evolutionary psychology says yes.
Eighty-one studies representing 103 samples and
Eighty-

However, romantic love is a distinctly Western 19,387 individuals provided data for the meta-
meta-
concept. analysis

In China, love is defined partly by sacrifice and
obligation

Arons fMRI studies were replicated with a
Chinese sample

Even if the ways of expressing romantic love
differ, the experience of love is the same

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________________
Romantic Practical
Variable Love Obsession Friendship
Predictors (rs)
Rubin Liking .64 (.65) -.45 (-
(-.46) .22 ( .15) Dependent Variable R2 Length Satisfaction_
LAS Eros .69 ( .69) .16 ( .20) -.09 (-
(-.05) Love .641 .077** ( .125) .792** ( .767)
Ludus -.50 ((--.52) .36 ( .31) .08 ( .13)
Storge .12 ( .08) -.07 (-
(-.24) .81 ( .78)
Romantic Obsession .106 -.291** (- (-.202) -.127** (-
(-.099)
Pragma -.05 (-
(-.10) .45 ( .29) .63 ( .70) Practical Friendship .037 .103* ( .061) .157** ( .089)
Mania .32 ( .29) .80 ( .82) -.14 ( .02) Note: rs = Structure coefficient.
Agape .67 ( .66) .22 ( .23) .08 ( .13)
*p < .05
PLS .87 ( .86) .20 ( .25) -.10 (-
(-.04)
TLS Passion .89 ( .89) .06 ( .13) -.14 (-
(-.11) **p
**p < .001
Intimacy .84 ( .84) -.20 (-
(-.19) .13 ( .11)
Commitment .86 ( .86) -.10 (-
(-.06) -.01 (-
(-.01)

Sexuality

What we know about sexual
attitudes, practices, etc. are largely

Sexual Attitudes due to the pioneering work of Alfred

Sexual Behavior Kinsey

Kinsey worked with Gall Wasps, and

Sexual Satisfaction became interested in the variety of
sexual experiences in humans.

Sexual Communication

While his work is argued by some to

Sexual Aggression be biased in favor of unusual sexual
practices, they remain very
important:

Sexual Behavior in the Human Male,
1948

Sexual Behavior in the Human Female,
1953

44
 Attitudes About Casual Sex Attitudes about Same-
Same-Sex Sex

Most people in the U.S. believe that sex among
62% of Americans disapprove of sexual
unmarried people is acceptable as long as it occurs in an relations between people of the same sex (2002).
affectionate, committed relationship.
39% say Same-
Same-sex sexuality is unacceptable
unacceptable

Were no longer expected to save sex for marriage. (2007)

Men are more permissive and accepting of casual,
Tolerance is increasing:
uncommitted sex than women are.
The more contact people have with gays and

Sexual double standard - Permissive women are lesbians, the more favorable their feelings toward
judged more harshly than permissive men. (its getting homosexuals tend to be.
weaker!)
More gays and lesbians presented favorably in the
media

Cultural Differences in Sexual

Attitudes

The United States holds more conservative, less
permissive attitudes about:

premarital sex

teenage sex

extramarital sex, and

homosexual sex

than do Canada, Great Britain, Germany, Israel, &
Japan (and Australia, Netherlands, Russia, Spain, and
Sweden!)

Why?

Sexuality

Sexual Attitudes
Two introductory points:

Sexual Behavior

Theres enormous variability in behavior from

Sexual Satisfaction person to person.

Sexual Communication

Sexual Aggression
Sexual behavior that is common is not necessarily
more desirable or appropriate than is behavior that is
less typical.

45

How common is sex before marriage?
How common is sex before marriage?

95% of Americans have intercourse before marriage
(2007)

Sexual behavior

Average age of first time sex?
Average age of first time sex?

Recent data suggests 17 for men and women (2007)

Depends on ethnicity

African American (15 men, 17 women)

Latinos (16 men, 18 women)

White (17 men, 18 women)

Reasons for having sex are almost all

relationally--oriented: (Love, pleasure,
relationally
conformity, social recognition, pleasing partner)

Who has sex earlier?
How often do people have sex?

Desire to have a dating partner

Adulthood: desire for independence, physical
maturity

Single
Single--parent homes (emulating dating behavior or
less supervision?)

46
 Sex in Committed Relationships

How often do people have sex?

Cohabiting, not married 3 times per week

Married 2 times per week

Single much less!

Older people have less sex than younger people

Decreased hormones in women = less vaginal lubrication

Circulatory problems in men = shorter duration erections

Gay men > heterosexual > lesbian, at first

Monogamy Sociosexual Orientation

Most folks have a negative view of extradyadic sex
Sociosexual orientations:
orientations: the beliefs and

A meta-
meta-analyses of mostly marrieds suggests: behaviors that describe our feelings about sex.

21% of women and 32% of men have been sexually
unfaithful at least once

Men are more accepting of extradyadic sex, and have
As is often the case, a research measure is
more partners than women included in the book

Gay couples report a much higher % of extradyadic sex

Though, often with the consent of the other partner

Restricted sociosexual orientations:
Seal et al., 1994

Prefer to have sex only in the context of a close, committed relationship

Tend to have secure attachment styles
Watch a video of an attractive member of the

Are more committed to their romantic partners

Are less likely to have extradyadic sex
opposite sex. Would you like to enter a drawing
to win a date from them?

Unrestricted sociosexual orientations:
36% of unrestricted said yes (not related to

Pursue sex in casual, uncommitted relationships

Tend to be dynamic, flirtatious, sociable people commitment to current partner)

Tend to be relatively uncomfortable with intimacy
4% of restricted said yes (related to commitment to

Are less committed to their romantic partners
current partner)

Are more likely to have extradyadic sex

47
 Why Cheat? Why Cheat?

People who engage in extradyadic sex:
Do to lower parental investment, men can

Are less satisfied with their relationships afford more sexual partners.

Are less committed to their relationships
The good genes hypothesis suggests that

Underbenefitted do it more than overbenefitted women can benefit from a dual-
dual-mating strategy:

Pursue long term partners with resources to care for
offspring

Seek good genes for their children for other men

Sexual Desire Sexual Desire

Men tend to have higher sex drives than
50% of men with a regular sexual partner
women do. masturbate at least once a week

They experience more frequent and more
16% of women with a regular sexual partner
intense sexual desires than women do masturbate at least once a week

Men want to have sex earlier in a relationship

and they are routinely more motivated to than women; as such, women serve as
engage in sexual activity than women are. gatekeepers

Men think about sex more, spend more money
on sex, and fantasize about sex more

Safe Sex

75% of college students have had hookups hookups,, or
People who know better sometimes neglect to use
condoms because:
sexual interactions with casual partners that last

Men make worse decisions when sexually aroused (e.g., more
only one night. OK to drug women)

About half of these interactions involve oral sex
People consider condoms to be awkward or embarrassing (or
falsely believe they are unpopular)
or intercourse, and when intercourse occurs,
Alcohol myopia blinds them to the potential consequences
condoms are used only half the time. of unsafe sex

The illusion of unique vulnerability leads them to

Why does any high-
high-risk sex still occur among (otherwise) underestimate the risks they face
smart young adults?
Guilt or anxiety about sex gets in the way of accurate
knowledge

48
 Sexuality

People who know better sometimes neglect to
Sexual Attitudes
use condoms because:
Sexual Behavior

Abstinence education programs sometimes teach
Sexual Satisfaction
that condoms are ineffective

Inequality in power coerced not to use one by

Sexual Communication
partner
Sexual Aggression

Sexual Frequency and Satisfaction Sex and Relationship Satisfaction

Most people say theyre quite satisfied with their
Couples who are happy with their sex lives tend
sex lives to be happy with their relationships, as well.

People who have sex more often are happier
Good sex probably makes a partnership more
with their sex lives than are those who have sex gratifying
less frequently.
And a happy, loving relationship makes the sex

More frequent sex is more satisfying. better, too.

If youre happy with sex, youll want more of it.

Those with stronger sex drives have sex more AND
are more satisfied.

Self Determination Theory and Sex

Does size matter?

Sex is most satisfying when it meets our needs
52,000 female respondents:
for:
Only 6% classified partners penis as small

Autonomy: Ability to choose own actions
Autonomy: (versus medium or large

Competence:: Ability to feel confident and capable
Competence
14% = Wish partners penis was larger

Relatedness
Relatedness:: Ability to establish close relationships
84% = Partners penis size is just right
with others
2% = Wish partners penis was smaller

49
Interdependence Theory and Sex Sexuality

Sexual interactions involve various rewards and
Sexual Attitudes
costs, and sex is more satisfying when:
Sexual Behavior

It is more rewarding than costly (Outcomes
(Outcomes))

Sexual Satisfaction

Rewards: Pleasure, comfort, closeness

Costs: mismatched sexual desire, availability,
Sexual Communication
preferences
Sexual Aggression

our expectations are met (Comparison
(Comparison Level)
Level)

in a relationship that is just, reasonable, and fair
(Equity
Equity))

Sexual Communication Communicating Desire

People are often uncomfortable talking about
People often never tell their partners that theyre
sex. As a result, there are often problems. interested in sex.

People rarely straightforwardly say, Yes, Id like to have
sex.

They signal their desire and consent through indirect,
nonverbal means.

They dont say Yes, but rather dont resist and dont say
No.

Ask partner if they have a condom

Kissing and touching

Sexual Communication and

Sexuality
Satisfaction

Partners who talk candidly about sex have more
Sexual Attitudes
fulfilling sexual interactions with each other than do

Sexual Behavior
those who just grunt and moan now and then.

They are more likely to know what their partners like
Sexual Satisfaction

They are more likely to have their needs met
Sexual Communication

Reciprocal sexual self-
self-disclosure promotes intimacy

Sexual Aggression

Masters & Johnson (1970) argued that gays and lesbians
routinely enjoy better sex with each other than most
heterosexual couples do because of more open
communication about sex.

50
 4 Broad Types of Sexual Violation
Verbal Coercion
Sexual Aggression

Rape: Penile penetration via the use or threat of force (13%,
3.3%)

Attempted rape:
rape: unsuccessful rape attempts (18.3%, 5.6%)

Sexual assault:
assault: Use of objects to penetrate any orifices via force
or threat of force (22%, 14.2%)
Fondling Intercourse
Sexual contact:
contact: Unwanted sexual play, kissing, etc. obtained
through force, threat of force, or continues arguments or
authority (24%, 7.9%)

Sexual coercion:
coercion: Intercourse obtained through authority or
persistent arguments (25%, 23.2%)

Spitzberg, 1999; meta-

meta-analysis of 120 studies (100,000+ participants)

Physical Force

The % of victims is larger than the % of
Date rape is a serious problem, potentially due
perpetrators in part to the fact that:

Perhaps a small number of perpetrators victimize
Men over-
over-interpret sexual interest in women
most people
Poor communication means that verbal consent is
not expected

More likely, perpetrators underestimate the force

Our society creates an expectation that women
they use or the harm they do.
should play hard-
hard-to
to--get

Clear communication can reduce the risk of
sexual aggression

Power

Power and Interdependency Theory

The Two Sides of Power

51

Power is the ability to influence the behavior of
The principle of lesser interest: the partner who is less
dependent on the relationship (who desires it less) has more
others and to resist their influence on us. power within that relationship.

From an interdependency perspective, power is

There are two different broad types of power:
based on the control of valuable resources.
Fate control allows one to control a partners outcomes no matter what
the partner does.

One need not necessarily possess these resources;

Behavior control allows one to encourage, but not compel, desired
one needs only to control access to them. behavior from a partner.

Ones power varies with the other persons desire
and need for the resource.
In most relationships, one partners power is matched by the
other partners counterpower
counterpower,, so that each partner gets what

Ones power is reduced if the desired resources are they want over time.
readily available elsewhere.

Types of Power

Reward power is the ability to bestow desired
rewards; these may be either tangible, material goods or
intangible, interpersonal benefits.

Coercive power is the ability to levy unwanted
punishments, doing something a partner doesnt like, or
taking away something the partner does like.

Legitimate power exists when one partner has a
reasonable right by dint of authority, equity, social
responsibility, or reciprocity to tell the other what to
do.

Types of Power

Referent power emerges from respect and love for a
Traditional norms lead us to expect:
partner. Affection and adoration from another provides
Men to have higher levels of expert and legitimate power
one some ability to influence that other person. than women

Expert power exists when one partner has superior
Women to have higher levels of referent power than men.
knowledge and experience that is recognized and
Universalistic resources (such as money) can be
acknowledged by the other. exchanged with almost anyone in a wide variety of

Informational power exists when one partner has situations.
specific pieces of information that the other wants.
Particularistic resources (such as love) are valuable
in some situations and not in others, and they confer
power to their owner only with particular partners.

52

Love is a particularistic resource. We have
Influence tactics may be direct or indirect
indirect..
referent power over one who loves us, but that
They are also bilateral (involving both members of a
couple in negotiation and bargaining) or unilateral
power is limited to that lover, and no one else. (with individuals doing what they want without

If men control more universalistic resources that are widely involving their partners).
influential in social life, and
Men tend to be more direct and bilateral

women control more particularistic resources, it shouldnt
Women more indirect and unilateral (My Big Fat Greek
surprise us to find Wedding)

men being more influential than women in many
Traditional norms accord husbands more status than
relationships wives, and high-
high-status people are more direct and
bilateral than people of lower status are.

Power

Don Juan syndrome:
syndrome: the higher their need for power in some

Power and Interdependency Theory men,
the less love they feel for their partners and

The Two Sides of Power


the less satisfied they and their partners are.

These people are more likely to abuse, more narcissitic, and more likely to
have wives who dont work.

Committed, happy lovers often use their influence to benefit
their partners and to enhance, rather than undermine, their
mutual contentment.

Power need not be a corrosive, deleterious thing.

Conflict and Violence

The Nature of Conflict
Interpersonal conflict occurs whenever one

The Course of Conflict persons motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or
behavior interfere with, or are incompatible

The Outcomes of Conflict with, those of another.

Violence and Abuse in Relationships
Conflict occurs when ones wishes or actions
actually impede those of someone else, that is,
when one partner has to give up getting or doing
something that he or she wants because of the
other partners influence.

53
 Opposing Dialectics

Conflict is inescapable in close relationships, for
personal autonomy and close connection
two reasons: to others.

Any two people will occasionally differ in their
moods and preferences.
openness versus closedness

There are certain tensions that are woven into the
stability versus change
fabric of close relationships that will, sooner or later,
always cause some strain.
integration with, versus separation from, a

These opposing motivations, or dialectics, can social network.
never be completely satisfied because they contradict
each other.

Frequency of Conflict Conflict and Violence

Dating couples report 2.3 conflicts per week
The Nature of Conflict

Married couples experience one or two unpleasant
The Course of Conflict
disagreements each month.

The Outcomes of Conflict

High neuroticism, low agreeableness experience conflict
more
Violence and Abuse in Relationships

Anxious attachments leads to more conflict

Conflict decreases with age

The less similarity, the more conflict

Alcohol increases conflict

Instigating Events Attributions

Instigating events can be almost anything
The partners have different explanations for events :

Four different types of events cause most conflicts:
The event is often not as important as the attribution

Criticism is behavior that seems unjustly critical, being
Misunderstanding may occur if partners fail to appreciate that
perceived as demeaning or derogatory each of them has his or her own point of view.

Illegitimate demands are requests that are excessive and
Attributional conflict can occur, with partners arguing over
that seem unjust whose explanation is right, and whose is wrong.

Rebuffs occur when ones appeals for help or support are
Happy couples are less likely than unhappy couples to regard
rejected their partners as selfishly motivated and behaving with

Cumulative annoyances are relatively trivial events that negative intent.
become irritating with repetition

54
 Engagement and Escalation

When an instigating event occurs, the partners
In the midst of conflict, unpleasant behavior may
may avoid the issue and let it drop. occur.

If the issue is engaged and conflict begins,
Direct actions explicitly challenge ones partner:

Accusations
negotiation and rational problem-
problem-solving may
Hostile commands and threats
follow.
Surly and sarcastic putdowns

However, in other cases, escalation occurs and
Indirect actions are more veiled and implicit:
the conflict heats up.
Condescension

Whining

Evasion

Negotiation and Accommodation

The Demand/Withdraw Pattern
Direct

When one partner criticizes and nags the other, and the other
Offering concessions
retreats from the confrontation and becomes defensive.
Engaging in active listening

Providing approval and affection

The demander tends to become more insistent while the
withdrawer becomes more resistant.

Indirect

In heterosexual couples, women tend to be the

Using friendly, non-
non-sarcastic humor
demanders and men the withdrawers more often than
not.
Responses to conflict may either active or passive
passive,, and either

Why? Men are often more powerful, and if theyre getting their way, they constructive or destructive
destructive..
may resist change.

Gender roles that encourage men to be autonomous and independent
When these two different dimensions are combined, four
may also be influential. different responses to conflict and dissatisfaction result.

Voice actively, constructively working to improve
Voice is more likely

the situation
when a relationship has been satisfying in the past,
and it is

Loyalty passively waiting and hoping for things to

most likely to be used by people with secure
get better
attachment styles.

Exit active but destructive responses such as leaving
Tempting alternatives, avoidance of intimacy,
the partner and masculine gender roles are associated with
more destructive responses to dissatisfaction.

Neglect passively allowing things to get worse

55
 4 Types of Couples

Relationships are at risk when both partners
Volatile couples have frequent and passionate
choose destructive responses to conflict, arguments, but they temper their fights with plenty of
wit and evident fondness for each other.

Accommodation,, the ability to remain
Accommodation

Validators fight more politely and calmly, behaving
constructive in the face of a lovers temporary more like collaborators than like antagonists.
disregard, is advantageous.
Avoiders rarely argue; they duck confrontation and

when partners respond to provocation by inhibiting often just try to fix problems on their own.
the impulse to fight fire with fire.

Hostiles fight with criticism, contempt, defensiveness,

couples who are able to swallow occasional and withdrawal, and their marriages are more fragile
frustration from each other without responding in than those of the other three groups.
kind are happier than those who are less tolerant.

Conflict and Violence 5 Ways to End Conflict

The Nature of Conflict
Separation occurs when one or both partners withdraw without
resolving the conflict.

The Course of Conflict
Domination,, one partner gets his or her way when the other
Domination
capitulates.

The Outcomes of Conflict
Compromise occurs when both parties reduce their aspirations

Violence and Abuse in Relationships so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be reached.

Integrative agreements satisfy both partners original goals
and aspirations, usually through inventiveness, creativity and
flexibility.

Structural improvement occurs when the partners not only get
what they want, they make desirable changes to their
relationship.

Fighting is good for a relationship

The more unexpressed nuisances and irritants
partners have, the less satisfied with their
relationships they tend to be.

So, the prevailing view among conflict
researchers is that conflict is an essential tool
with which to promote intimacy.

It is the deft and skillful management of conflict

conflictand not its
absence
absence that allows relationships to grow and prosper.

56
 Conflict and Violence

The Nature of Conflict
Violence involves acts carried out with

The Course of Conflict the intention of physically hurting another

The Outcomes of Conflict person.

Violence and Abuse in Relationships
22% of the women and 7% of the men in the
U.S. have experienced a violent assault by an
intimate partner.

Gay > Heterosexual > Lesbian

Native American & Black > White and Latino > Asian

Types of Couple Violence

Situational couple violence erupts from specific
Women act violently towards their husbands just
angry arguments that get out of hand.

Intimate terrorism,
terrorism, one partner uses violence as a as often as men act violently toward their wives.
tool to control and oppress the other.
However, men are more likely to cause injuries.

Mutual violent control,
control, which is uncommon, occurs
when both partners engage in intimate terrorism.
Men are also more likely to use violence as a

Violent resistance occurs when a partner forcibly tool in an ongoing pattern of domination and
fights back. force.

Situational couple violence (SCV) and intimate terrorism (IT)
are the more common forms of couple violence.

Men and women engage in similar amounts of SCV, but a
huge majority of those who use IT are men.

Cycle of Violence

Phase 1: Tension Building Phase

Batterer may: Victim may:

Pick fights Feel like shes walking on
Act jealous & eggshells
possessive Try to reason with the
Criticize, threaten batterer
Drink, use drugs Try to calm the batterer
Be moody, Try to appease the batterer
unpredictable Keep silent, try to keep
Be crazy-
crazy-making children quiet
Feel afraid or anxious

57

Phase 2: Crisis Phase
Phase 3: Calm Phase, Honeymoon

Batterer May: Victim May: Batterer May: Victim May:

Verbal Abuse Experience fear, shock Ask for forgiveness Forgive
Sexual Assault Protects self & children Promise it wont happen again Return home
Physical Abuse Use self-
self-defense Stop drinking, using drugs Arrange for counseling
Increase control over money Call for help Go to counseling Feel hopeful
Restrain partner Try to flee, leave Be affectionate Feel manipulated
Destroy property, phone Pray for it to stop Initiate intimacy Blame self
Emotionally Assault Do what is necessary to survive Minimize or deny abuse Minimize or deny abuse

Blame, minimize, deny

Men who are spouse abusers feel superior to
"I just need to be understood".
women and believe that their aggression is a
"I had a bad childhood.
legitimate response to the provocation and
"I can't control it.
disrespect they receive from their wives.
"I get angry.

"She fights too.

They also maintain, because they do not enjoy hurting

"She pushes my buttons.
women and did less damage than they could have, that
they are not real abusers.
"If I don't control her, she will control me.

"My smashing things isnt abusive, its venting.

Women who encounter such violence feel
"I have a lot of stress in my life.
betrayed, but they sometimes blame themselves
"I just have an anger management problem.
for their partners aggression.
"I just have a problem when I drink or use drugs."

Why Dont They Leave? Barriers to Leaving

Most battered women either end the violence or
Lack of Financial Resources

Not Enough Shelter Resources or Other Safe Places to Go
leave their partners.
Threats of Murder

However, about a third stay. They believe that,
Social Stigma
despite the abuse, they will not be better off if
Threats of Outing the Victim

Religious Beliefs
they go

Immigration Issues

perhaps because they have no money and no
Victim Blaming
place to go, or because they fear even greater
Wanting to Keep the Family Together
violence if they leave.
Societal Acceptance

58
 Why Dont They Leave?

Social Exchange Theory
Intimate violence is associated with:

No alternatives are available (mate-
(mate-guarding)
Cohabitation instead of marriage

The potential costs of leaving outweigh the costs of
Life stress
staying
Low socioeconomic status

Self--Verification motive
Self
Family background, including growing up in a

Its what I deserve violent home

Investment Theory

Ive already given up so much for the relationship

Violence is also regrettably prevalent in
Couples counseling is generally counterindicated

premarital relationships, being more common in in violent relationships.
cohabiting partnerships than in marriages.
Couples therapy often assumes equal responsibility,

The sources of violence in dating relationships which impedes overcoming minimization, denial,
appear to be similar to those in more committed and blame
relationships
Group treatment for batterers has best outcome

52 week programs are standard

The Changing Rate of Divorce

The Predictors of Divorce

The Road to Divorce

The Aftermath of Separation and Divorce

59
 Divorce Prevalence Divorce Rate Over Time

The current rate of divorce in the U.S. is a bit
lower than it was at its peak back in 1980, but
the chance that a recent marriage will ultimately
end in separation or divorce is still close to 50%.

About 1 out of every 9 adult women in the U.S.
is presently divorced

More than a third of the children do not live
with their biological fathers.

27% of children live in single-
single-parent families

Divorce is more common in the US than in
Divorce is more common now than it used to
other countries be.

# of divorces per 1000 people in US: 4.5
Nevertheless, because people live longer than

Mexico: 0.4 they used to, the average time that spouses

South Africa: 0.8 spend together is much longer than it used to

Japan: 1.8 be.

Canada: 2.6
Marriages used to end early through the death of one

UK: 2.9 of the partners.

Russia: 4.5
Now, they end early through divorce.

Why has the divorce rate increased? Why has the divorce rate increased?

Demanding expectations People may expect
Western culture is more individualistic

Disconnected from our communities, we rely on our spouses for
more out of marriage than they used to. more social support than ever before

Women work outside the home Both spouses
Sex ratios are lower A surplus of women encourages men
now have access to money and alternative partners, and to be less committed to any one partner.
an independence hypothesis suggests that the
Divorce is less shameful and easier to obtain We
economic freedom to divorce generally makes divorce tend to feel that a no-
no-fault divorce is a more reasonable and
more desirable response to a bad marriage than our grandparents
more likely did.

Gender roles are changing Women are
Cohabitation is more prevalent Casual cohabitation
becoming more assertive and self-
self-reliant leads to less respect for marriage and increases peoples
willingness to divorce.

60
 Why has the divorce rate increased?

There are more children of divorce And http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=36398
children who experience the divorce of their parents are
more likely to divorce themselves when they become 6
adults.

All of these influences are merely correlated with the

increasing prevalence of divorce in the U.S., so diverse
possibilities exist.

The cultural climate may support lasting marriages less

effectively than it did 40 or 50 years ago.

"Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He
The Changing Rate of Divorce
remarks that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in
the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for
The Predictors of Divorce
example, never foretell what any one man will do, but you can
say with precision what an average number will be up to.
The Road to Divorce
Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says the
statistician. But do I see a handkerchief? Surely there is a white
The Aftermath of Separation and Divorce
flutter over yonder." - The Sign of the Four

As a single atom man is an enigma: as a whole he is a
mathematical problem. As an individual he is a free agent, as a
species the offspring of necessity. The Martyrdom of Man

Levingers Barrier Model

George Levinger proposed that three factors influence
The Barrier Model reminds us that unhappy
the breakup of relationships: partners who would like to break up often stay

Attraction the desire to remain in a partnership is together because it would cost them too much
enhanced by its rewards but diminished by its costs to leave.

Alternatives tempting alternatives increase the
People are usually aware of several obstacles that
appeal of leaving ones current partner they would have to overcome in order to

Barriers various social pressures, religious divorce.
constraints, and financial costs may make it hard to
However, those barriers may not deter a divorce
leave when the spouses are genuinely miserable.

61
 Vulnerability Stress Adaptation
(VSA) Model of Marriage

Benjamin Karney and Thomas Bradbury suggested Enduring

another three factors that can contribute to divorce: Vulnerabilities

Enduring vulnerabilities personal liabilities or

weaknesses with which people begin their marriages Adaptive Marital Marital
Processes Quality Stability

Adaptive Processes the techniques with which
partners try to cope with stress

Stressful events the difficulties people encounter Stressful
Events

Results from the PAIR Project
Enduring dynamics:

dynamics: Spouses may bring to
their marriages problems that surfaced during
courtship.

For decades, Ted Huston et al. have been

These frustrations are usually recognized by the
tracking 168 couples who married in 1981.
partners before they marry
Fewer than half are still happily married.

Marriages that are headed for divorce are weaker
than others from their very beginning.

Why? Three possibilities have been investigated.

Emergent distress:
distress: The problems that
Disillusionment:: Couples typically begin
Disillusionment
destroy a couple begin after they marry their marriages with rosy, romanticized views of

When they begin, there arent any obvious their relationship that are unrealistically positive.
differences between marriages that will succeed and
Romance fades and disappointment gradually sets in
those that will fail; as people realize that their spouses and their

The difficulties that ruin some marriages usually partnership are less wonderful than they originally
develop later. seemed.

62
Two of these three possibilities do seem to be at
The enduring dynamics model predicted how happy marriages
would be.
work in many (if not most) marriages.
Couples who were destined to be distressed were less loving and
affectionate
affectionateand more ambivalent and negative
negativetoward each other
when their marriages began.

Doubts or difficulties that people faced when they were engaged were
Which two do you think are influential? imported into their marital relationship, and they caused trouble later on.

The best predictor of which couples would actually divorce was
the disillusionment model.

The drop in marital satisfaction during the first years of marriage was
sharper and more pronounced in some couples than in others, and they
were the spouses who were most at risk for divorce.

Some couples who were especially affectionate when their marriages
began divorced years later when that magic faded.

Early Years of Marriage Project

Both the level of satisfaction a couple experiences
The EYM project has been following 174 white
and the change in that satisfaction over time are couples and 199 black couples since they
key players in relational outcomes. married in 1986.

Importantly, couples that are doomed to divorce
Most of the black couples (55%) have divorced,
compared to about a third (36%) of the white
do not always turn surly and spiteful, but they couples.
do tend to lose the joy they once experienced.

The social context of marriage is important:
Being poor and poorly educated can put any
couple at risk for divorce.

Causes of Divorce

Our marital outcomes are influenced by:
When divorced people were asked what caused their

The cultural context,
context, such as laws, social norms, divorces, they reported:

Infidelity
and economic opportunities,

Incompatibility

Our personal context,
context, including our social
Drug or alcohol use
networks and neighborhoods, and
Growing apart

A relational context that we create through our
Personality problems, and
interactions with our partners.
Abuse

Very few people considered broader influences, such as

People tend to focus on only one of these three when income and education, to be important.
they generate explanations for their marital problems.

63
 Specific Factors Associated with Specific Factors Associated with
Divorce Divorce

Socioeconomic status people with low incomes and low
Parental divorce parents who divorce increase the chances
education are more likely to divorce. that their children will divorce.

Race black Americans are more likely to divorce than white
Premarital cohabitation divorce rates increase if couples live
Americans are. together before they are engaged.

Sex ratios divorce rates are higher when women outnumber
Personality the higher ones neuroticism, the more likely one
men and the sex ratio is low. is to divorce.

No-
No-fault legislation laws that make divorce easier to obtain
Attachment style people who are high in avoidance of
make divorce more likely. intimacy are more likely to divorce.

Working women divorce rates increase when higher
Genetics a person with an identical twin who divorces is more
proportions of women enter the work force. likely to divorce.

Prior marriage second marriages are more likely to end in
Time apart couples who spend less time together are more
divorce rates than first marriages are. likely to divorce.

Specific Factors Associated with

Divorce

Negative interactions couples that fail to
The Changing Rate of Divorce
maintain a 5-
5-to
to--1 ratio of positive to negative
The Predictors of Divorce
exchanges are more likely to divorce.

The Road to Divorce

Sexual dissatisfaction greater satisfaction with
ones sex life is associated with a lower
The Aftermath of Separation and Divorce
likelihood of divorce.

Marital dissatisfaction people who are more
satisfied with their marriages are less likely to
divorce.

Breaking up with premarital partners

Most of the time, they never tell their partners that they seek to

A long period of ambivalence and discontent leave, so their efforts are indirect rather than explicit and direct.
direct.
precedes most divorces
Their efforts are usually selfish and self
self--oriented instead of
considerate and other-
other-oriented.

People usually do not initiate a divorce until they
There is rarely a critical incident that suddenly changes their
finally come to believe that they will be better feelings about the relationship; instead, their discontent usually
grows gradually rather than suddenly.
off without their spouses.
Most of the time, only they and not their partners, want the
relationship to end.

They typically make several protracted attempts to end the
relationship instead of succeeding quickly.

Most of the time, no formal effort to repair the relationship is
made.

The usual sequence of events that results involves ambivalence,
vacillation, and a lengthy process of relationship dissolution.

64
 Steps to Divorce

The process of divorce may take several years,
The Changing Rate of Divorce
and four general stages may occur:
The Predictors of Divorce

In an initial personal phase,
phase, one partner grows dissatisfied.

In the dyadic phase that follows, that discontent is revealed,
The Road to Divorce
and confrontation, negotiation, and attempts at reconciliation
may occur.
The Aftermath of Separation and Divorce

If the end nears, a social phase begins; the partners publicize
their distress and seek support from friends and family.

Finally, at the end, a grave
grave--dressing phase begins. People
put the failed relationship behind them with reassessment,
rationalization, and accounts.

Consequences of Divorce

Divorce is one of the most stressful events
Negative emotions are common.

Preoccupied and fearful people experience more pain than
people may ever encounter. secure or dismissing people do.

A few years later, most people who divorce are
Social networks shrink.

People lose some of their friends, and not all of the
again as happy as they were before their remaining members of ones social network are likely to be
marriages began to falter. supportive.

Womens finances usually deteriorate.

Some fathers dont pay child support, and mothers may have
several mouths to feed.

On average, then, a womans standard of living decreases
after she divorces, whereas a mans improves.

Relationships between former

partners

Ex-
Ex-spouses may develop one of four types of relationships: Children of divorce exhibit lower levels of

Fiery Foes remain fierce antagonists.

Angry Associates stay bitter, but they manage to work
well--being when they reach adulthood than
well
together in parenting. do those whose parents stay married.

Cooperative Colleagues collaborate without rancor.

Perfect Pals maintain a respectful friendship.

A year after their divorces, half of ex-
ex-spouses have amicable Why?
relationships (with 12% being Perfect Pals and 38% Cooperative
Colleagues)

and half have distressed relationships (25% Angry http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=36398
Associates and 25% Fiery Foes).
6

65

Parental loss -- children may be less well off
All may be true, but parental conflict is the best
with one parent instead of two supported:

Parental stress -- parents own difficulties may
If children live in a family with little conflict or
affect the quality of their parenting discord, theyre worse off if a divorce occurs.

Economic hardship -- the poverty that often
But if they live amidst constant conflict, children are
follows divorce, and not the divorce per se, may worse off when the parents dont divorce
be damaging
When a divorce breaks up an angry, embattled

Parental conflict -- acrimonious interactions household, theres almost no decrease in the
between ones parents cause anxiety and stress childrens well-
well-being at all.

Children are less affected by divorce if they are able to

maintain high-
high-quality relationships with their parents
thereafter.

The poorer outcomes often experienced by children of
divorce largely disappear when the children continue to
have meaningful, loving contact with their parents.

Many of the poorer outcomes experienced by children
of divorce gradually fade with time.

People are resilient, and children heal if they are provided
sufficient love and support.

INSERT EXAM II ABOUT HERE

66
 So, What Now?

Relationship science has shown us that bad is
stronger than good, conflict is unavoidable,
romantic passion declines over time, and a lot of
us are insecure.

But theres no reason to pessimistic about your

relationships

Maintaining and Enhancing

Relationships

Relationship maintenance mechanisms are
the strategic actions people take to sustain their Staying Committed
partnerships.
People who are committed to a partnership
--
--who
who want and expect it to continue--
continue--
both think and behave differently than less committed
partners do.

Maintaining and Enhancing Maintaining and Enhancing

Relationships Relationships

Staying Committed Staying Committed

Cognitive Maintenance Mechanisms: Cognitive Maintenance Mechanisms:

Cognitive interdependence Committed partners think of
Positive illusions Partners idealize one another,
themselves not as separate individuals but as a couple. judging each others faults to be relatively trivial, the
Plural pronouns such as we, us, and ours replace relationships deficiencies to be relatively unimportant,
I, me, and mine. and the partners misbehavior to be an unintentional or
temporary aberration.

67
 Maintaining and Enhancing Maintaining and Enhancing
Relationships Relationships

Staying Committed
Staying Committed
Cognitive Maintenance Mechanisms:
Cognitive Maintenance Mechanisms:

Perceived superiority People consider their relationships to
be better than most.
Derogation of tempting alternatives When committed
partners do notice attractive rivals to their relationships, they

Inattention to alternatives Committed partners pay less judge them to be less desirable than others think them to be.
heed to the other potential partners that are available to Commitment leads people to disparage those who could lure
them. They are relatively uninterested and unaware of them away from their existing relationships.
how well they could be doing in alternative relationships.

Maintaining and Enhancing Maintaining and Enhancing

Relationships Relationships

Staying Committed Staying Committed

Behavioral Maintenance Mechanisms: Behavioral Maintenance Mechanisms:

Willingness to sacrifice Committed people often make
Michelangelo phenomenon Committed lovers also
various personal sacrifices, doing things they would prefer not to promote their partners growth, helping them become the
do, or not doing things that they would like to do, in order to people they want to be by supporting their development
promote the well-
well-being of their partners or their relationships. of desired new skills and endorsing their acceptance of
promising new roles and responsibilities.

Maintaining and Enhancing Maintaining and Enhancing

Relationships Relationships

Staying Committed Staying Committed

Behavioral Maintenance Mechanisms: Behavioral Maintenance Mechanisms:

Play Committed partners find ways to engage in novel,
Forgiveness Committed partners offer forgiveness after a
challenging, exciting, and pleasant activities together. betrayal more readily than less committed partners do.
Couples that play together really do tend to stay together. Forgiveness benefits both the relationship and the partner
who was wronged because it is less stressful to forgive an
intimate partner than to nurse a grudge.

68
 Maintaining and Enhancing Maintaining and Enhancing
Relationships Relationships

Staying Content Staying Content

Communication scholars have noted other actions that distinguish
Sharing tasks Contented partners do their fair share of
happy partners from those who are less content. They include: household chores.

Positivity Contented partners strive to be polite and
Openness Contented partners share their thoughts and
cheerful to one another. feelings with one another.

Assurances Contented partners continue to announce their
Support Contented partners provide comfort and advice
love, commitment, and regard for each other. when theyre needed.

Maintaining and Enhancing

Repairing Relationships
Relationships

Staying Content Do It Yourself

These various actions seem to work: Partners who routinely Theres plenty of advice available to those who wish to
engage in these activities are happier than are those who work fix their relationships themselves
less hard to maintain their partnerships.
but some of it is faulty.
However, the effects of these actions are short-
short-lived, and people
apparently need to keep doing them in order for them to be Sometimes, popular, best-
best-selling
beneficial.
advice is simply wrong
wrong..

Repairing Relationships Repairing Relationships

Do It Yourself Preventive Maintenance

However, some self-
self-help information is provided by It can be helpful to seek useful advice and counsel before
reputable scientists, and when it is conveniently anything goes wrong.
accessible, it may be very beneficial to its consumers.
The PREP program tries:

to instill realistic expectations,

to open lines of communication, and

to encourage play

among partners.

69
 Repairing Relationships Repairing Relationships

Preventive Maintenance Preventive Maintenance

The centerpiece of the PREP program is the PREP training seems to result in increased satisfaction
speaker--listener technique.
speaker during the first years of marriage.
It provides a structure for calm, clear
communication about contentious issues that Some premarital preventive maintenance appears to
increases the chances that partners will understand facilitate a few years of smooth sailing when marriages
and validate each other despite their begin.
disagreement.

Repairing Relationships Repairing Relationships

Couples Therapy Couples Therapy

Once real problems emerge, more intensive interventions Different therapeutic approaches vary with regard to:
may be needed.

their focus on problematic (a) behavior; (b) thoughts; or (c)
therapy, in which a therapist sees both partners
Conjoint therapy,
together in the same sessions, is the most common form of feelings,
marital therapy
their focus on partners individual difficulties or those of the
couple, and
but people in troubled relationships may benefit from
individual therapy even when their partners refuse to seek
their emphasis on past events or present difficulties as
help with them. the source of distress.

Family Systems

A theoretical orientation defines a therapists beliefs about the
History -Family therapy popped up simultaneously in several
causes and solutions to clients problems. Theoretical places during the 50s; the time was just ripe for it
orientations define:
Jay Haley and Virginia Satir in Palo Alto

The theory underlying common problems
Murray Bowen in Topeka (treated schizophrenics and their mothers in

Factors that cause and maintain problems cottages)

Specify techniques to enact change
Carl Whitaker in Atlanta

Common theoretical orientations include:
All were influenced largely by cybernetics ; an interdisciplinary

Psychodynamic field of study which started in the 40s

Cognitive Behavioral
Looked at communication in systems (mechanic or organic)

Family Systems
Communications are always reciprocal/ feedback loops are unavoidable

Family Systems as a theoretical orientation is actually a
Looked at how communication changes and adapts within a system.
misnomer there are MANY theories of family therapy.

70

Most family theories have the following in common:
Couples therapy grew out of family therapy.

The individual does not exist in a vacuum, rather as part of a
The couple is a system.
system
Some common factors are common to most theoretical

The different parts of the system interact and affect one another; orientations:

Client/Extratherapeutic Factors (40%) Client characteristics, such as
family members impact one another in a reciprocal manner inner strengths, religious faith, goal directedness, personal agency, and

The system is larger than the sum of its parts; it is not just a motivation, as well as things outside of the control of the client, such as
fortuitous events, social support, and winning the lottery.
combination of individuals

Relationship Factors (30%) Relationship-
Relationship-mediated variables that occur

Families tend to maintain a steady state (changes are resisted to between therapist and clients) in the therapy room. warmth, respect,
maintain homeostasis) genuineness, and empathy.

Model/Technique Factors (15%)Theory
(15%)Theory--specific methods and

While family therapists typically see themselves as treating the processes that therapists use to intervene in the lives of their clients.
entire system, the family often comes in wanting help for a
Placebo, Hope, and Expectancy Factors (15%) Changes that occur
specific problem member, aka the identified patient;
patient; simply because the client is in treatment of some kind.

Couples Therapists

Therefore, most change isnt due to the theory.
Licensure laws differ by state.

Psychiatrist M.D. Differentiated by the ability to

Dodo bird effect All have won, and all must prescribe medications
have prizes
Psychologist Ph.D. or Psy.D. Differentiated by the

However, it is important to have a theory (it just ability to use a wide variety of assessment tools.
doesnt really matter which)
MFT Marriage and Family Therapist

Masters Level Counselor Mental Health
Counselor, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

Social Workers (LCSW, MSW)

Lay counselors, Religious counselors, etc.

Advanced Degrees

Sex therapy is generally considered a specialty
certification (AASECT)

Psychologists can receive an ABPP diplomate in
Couples and family therapy

MFTs can become AAMFT-
AAMFT-approved
supervisors

71
 Repairing Relationships Repairing Relationships

Emotionally Focused Therapy: Emotionally Focused Therapy:

Emotionally focused couple therapy seeks to train spouses to Emotionally focused couple therapy is quite effective with couples
treat each other in ways that allow them to feel safe, loved, and who are moderately distressed, with about 70 percent of them
securely connected to one another. overcoming their dissatisfaction by the time treatment is complete.
Its primary focus is on the emotions the partners experience as they
seek acceptance from one another. Partners are taught to provide
reassurance and comfort that acknowledges and fulfills the others
needs.

EFT EFT

Seeking and maintaining interpersonal contact is the primary
People have different attachment styles, typically
motivation of humans (dependency is part of being human) learned when young: Secure, Anxious, etc.

EFT draws from attachment theory:

Problematic behavior in relationships is a response to

+ attachments lead to comfort and security (safe haven, buffer against
stress) past or present threats to attachment

- attachments lead to distress
Emotion is the key to intimacy and connection; secure

Secure bonds are built by attachments help us regulate negative affect such as

Emotional accessibility Making ones emotions known to oneself and anger, sadness, loss, and shame
ones partner

Responsiveness Having ones emotions appropriately responded to
Our implicit and explicit definitions of self and others

When the bond is threatened, attachment behaviors are emerge in emotionally charged marital interactions (and
activated; if attachment behaviors fail to activate the attachment hence become available for modification)
figure, this can lead to anger, crying, despair, detachment

EFT EFT

Primary Emotions: HereHere--and-
and-now direct responses to
In an intimate relationship, spouses react to the
situations emotions displayed by their spouse (and the ways in

Secondary Emotions: reactions to, or attempts to which their own emotions and attachment needs are
cope with the primary emotions (which often obscures met by their spouse)
the original response)
Particularly when secondary emotions obscure the

Instrumental Emotions:
Emotions: Used to manipulate the primary emotions, this can lead to problematic
response of others interactions (e.g., if anger is covering my hurt, and you

Maladaptive Emotions:
Emotions: outout--of-
of-context responses respond to my anger (defensiveness, etc.), my hurt
which constrict how new situations are processed needs wont be fufilled, and we will be less connected)
(paranoia, numbing from trauma, etc.)
Common patterns: Distancer/Pursuer;
Blamer/Defender;

72
 EFT Goals Task 1

Goals of Therapy:
Task 1: Create and Maintain a Therapeutic Alliance

If you are asking them to be vulnerable and share their emotions

Address attachment concerns (decrease attachment and attachment fears, couples HAVE to trust that it is safe to do
insecurities, create a secure bond) so

Empathic Attunement: Aka, empathy Stepping into a clients

Access primary emotions, and use them to create experience to better understand them, and communicating that
new patterns of interaction understanding to the client

Acceptance: Take a non-non-judging stance of peoples experiences

Focus on dis/connection, loss of trust, isolation, and
Genuineness: You cant expect your clients to be trusting and truthful
attachment fears and how these interactions unless you are

Active Monitoring: Actively seek info about the alliance from the
maintain distress clients and take steps to repair it when necessary

Join the system: support/validate the individual and the relationship

Task 2 Task 2

Task 2: Help Partners Access New Emotions
Heightening: Highlighting and intensifying either the

Begin with validating secondary emotions and move towards responses/interactions that maintain negative interactions or
uncovering and focusing on primary emotions new positive ones

Ventilation of harmful negative emotion is NOT the point; that
Repeat a phrase
is typically part of the problem already
Change voice or posture to add emphasis (leaning forward, slow down,
intense voice)

Reflection: Particularly things that include important emotional
Direct partners to interact, to express the emotions to one another
content (selective reflection)
Block exit from the topic (dont let them back away)

Validating: Nothing is shameful; differentiate the experience
Empathic conjecture/interpretation: Use tentatively, try it
from the intention/character of the one experiencing it out, to give clients access to new information about themselves.

Evocative Responding: Help client try on unclear or
Disquisition - When a couple is very resistant, tell a story that
emerging parts of their experience; Ask questions to help them gets the point across, in terms of underlying emotion;
better explore and understand their experience (ALWAYS be
Im not sure why, but this makes me think of a couple I saw before
cautious take a not-
not-knowing stance) who

Task 3 EFT in 9 steps (12 to 20 sessions)

Task 3: Restructuring Interactions 1. Delineate conflict issues in core struggle

Track and Reflect: Pay attention to and reflect back problematic 2. ID negative interaction cycle
interactions as a recurring pattern (while externalizing the interaction it is
separate from the couple) 3. Access underlying and unacknowledged feelings

Reframing: Interactional responses are reframed in terms of underlying 4. Reframe problem in terms of
vulnerability and the attachment process 1. Underlying feelings

Restructuring Interactions: 2. Attachment needs

Enact present positions so that they can be accessed, experienced, and modified
3. Negative cycles

Turn a new emotional experience into a new response for the other partner (a new
emotion should evoke a new response, not the same old problematic response) 5. Promote ID with disowned aspects of self; intergrate them

Heighten new responses draw attention to anything outside the negative pattern into interactions

Choreograph change events: help set up new ways of interacting based on new 6. Promote acceptance of partners experience and new
information reinforce the new positive modes of interacting.
interactions
7. Facilitate the expression of needs and wants
8. Facilitate the emergence of new solutions
9. Consolidate new positions

73
 EFT Steps 1 & 2 EFT Steps 3 & 4

Initial sessions: Assessment
Access Primary Emotions and Reframe Problem as relating to Primary

Goals are to connect with spouses, help them feel safe and understood; also to assess: Emotions and Attachment Needs

The nature of the problem and the relationship

The therapeutic goals of the spouses

The therapist avoids: Reiterating past experience to blame, ventilating,

Often includes individual meetings with each of the partners to gain additional information teaching a partner to label their emotions and respond differently,

Landmark Incidents: Incidents in the relationships history which are often used as discussing emotions from an intellectual distance
ammunition, serve as a sore spot, are used as examples; these often have strong emotional
When reactive secondary emotions are expressed, the therapist validates them
meaning! and helps them buy into the process of identifying disowned primary

Therapeutic Markers: a point in therapy in which an expression or interaction signals an emotions
emotional processing or interactional problem, and potentially a chance to intervene

e.g. Strong affect or lack of affect when describing specific incidents; beliefs about self or relationship
The therapist points out non-
non-verbals and the emotional content they imply
surface when strong affect surfaces

e.g. Relational interactions (typically distance/pursuer, but some times attack/attack or

When the spouse engages in new emotions, but then tries to withdraw, the
withdraw/withdraw), signs of power balance and closeness/distance; attachment interactions therapist keeps the exits blocked

At the end of assessment, the therapist talks with the couple about appropriateness of EFT:
The therapist comments on the problematic interaction as it occurs (if the
summarize interaction cycle, how each couple experiences it, and (if necessary) why EFT is not couple doesnt) and uses it to access emotions
appropriate.

This should lead couple to being comfortable with new dialogue

EFT Steps 5 & 6 EFT Step 7

Promote ID of disowned Needs and Aspects of Self (and integrate these
Facilitate the Expression of Needs and Wants and the
into the relationship); Promote acceptance of Partners Experience and
New Ways of Interacting Creation of Emotional Engagement

Here, things become a bit intra-
intra-psychic
When a partner reiterates or expands emotional experience, but

Previously identified primary emotions are more easily identified and doesnt symbolize the associated needs and wants, the therapist
symbolized by the clients helps them do so to the other partner

when this happens, the therapist validates the emotion and the action (withdrawal,
etc.) that it causes, to help them further differentiate and own the experience
When the partner expresses wants and needs to therapist, or

If someone is getting into deep emotional content, the therapist blocks them starts and then goes off into a more superficial area, the therapist
from escaping or block the partner from interfering
directs them to share need and wants with their partner

When one partner reaches a sense of understanding of their emotions and
how they relate to habitual responses in the partner:
The therapist heightens and fosters positive reactions in the

the therapist helps them relate those experiences to the partner (talking from their partner to expression of needs and wants;
own experience; the spouse is not expected to be necessarily receptive)

The other spouse is helped to remain emotionally engaged and respond
with their own needs and wants

EFT Steps 8 & 9

Change Events: Events that indicate a change in the
Facilitate emergence of new solutions and consolidate new
positions
couples maladaptive patterns

Issues become much simpler when they do not evoke

Withdrawer Engagement: Withdrawer experiences real attachment insecurities, power struggles, and battles over self and
fear of contact, processes this with therapist, shares it with relationship definition
partner, accesses a more specific hurt, partner responds with
The therapist supports decisions to interact differently and take
disbelief first, then struggles with relationship etc. steps to meet one anothers needs

Softening: Rather than focusing on the faults of others, they
The therapist highlight changes and positive interactions and
focus on their own attachment-
attachment-related fears how they differ from previous negative interactions

The therapist reinforces new positive interaction
The therapist facilitates a discussion about fear of not having the
safety net of therapy, validates the couples strengths, and
patterns as they occur helps them along

74
 Behavioral Marital Therapy

A classic approach, behavioral marital therapy,

therapy, focuses on the
couples present interactions and seeks to replace any negative and
punishing behavior with more gracious and generous actions.

Couples may enter into explicit contracts to reward positive

behavior from their partners with desirable behavior of their own.

BMT BMT

Classic behavioral Couples Therapy sees couples interactions as
Contingency contracting: A written contract outlining the
being formed and maintained through intertwined stimulus-
stimulus- behavioral expectations of each member of the couple, and the
response--reinforcement cycles.
response consequences for not meeting those expectations

Coercion Using aversive stimuli to control the behavior of another
(e.g., using shouting to stop nagging)
Token Economy:
Economy: Dropping a poker chip (or jelly bean, etc.)

Negative reinforcement Strengthening a behavior by removing an into a jar every time your partner does something you appreciate;
aversive stimulus (e.g., I stop nagging when you do your chores) may include rewards and fines.

Positive reinforcement Every time your partner does something you
like, let them know you appreciate it.
Behavioral Exchange:
Exchange: Couples identify desirable behaviors,

Communication skills training: and exchange things that one another appreciate.

Define problems in a non-
non-blaming way
Caring days: Intended to increase the rewards of a relationship.

Listen empathically
A list is made of behaviors that a partner finds desirable,

Formulate I want statements
the frequency of those desirable behaviors is tracked, and

Generating, deciding on, and implementing solutions
special days are set aside to increase the number of desirable behaviors

Repairing Relationships IBCT

Does not include the term marital in the title
Behavioral Approaches: the approach is intended to apply to a larger
The newest behavioral therapy, integrative behavioral couple group of dyads than just marrieds.
therapy tries to teach troubled spouses to accept the
Integrates the idea of acceptance into BMT
incompatibilities they cannot change.

Acceptance focuses on the idea that not all
problematic behaviors can be changes; rather we
The partners are taught to accept their imperfections through
empathy, detachment, and tolerance building. must learn to live with some.

75
 IBCT IBCT

Functional analysis is a method for
Dysfunctional interactions are deconstructed by
identifying: looking at the antecedents and consequences of

How individuals in a relationship are influenced by the interaction.
one another, and
Antecedents give one a clue into the causes of the

How external factors influence the relationship negative interaction, and how it might be prevented

When looking at an individuals relationship
Consequences give one a clue to how a negative

satisfaction, an emphasis is placed on the interaction might be rewarded or maintained, and

how it might be extinguished
behavior of the partner

IBCT IBCT Techniques

Acceptance is used when behavioral change
Faking negative behavior Instruct one
does not occur partner to engage in a negative behavior

This is not a dichotomy; rather, varying amounts of
deliberately, when they are not angry in order
acceptance are necessary, depending on the amount to observe the impact it has on the other
of change
Role playing Often the reversal of the

Acceptance makes it unnecessary for the behavior to
negative behavior is rehearsed in the session
change
Self--care partners are trained to engage in
Self
some sort of self-
self-care activity whenever faced
with negative partner behaviors

Repairing Relationships CBMT

Several cognitive processes affect the relationship:

Selective attention:
attention: Partners attend more to relationship-
relationship-relevant events that
Behavioral Approaches: fit the way they see the relationship

Distressed couples underestimate the number of positive events by about 50%
In addition to encouraging desirable behavior, cognitive
cognitive--
Attributions: The meaning attributed to ones partners behavior
Attributions:
behavioral couple therapy seeks to change various aspects of the
Expectancies:: What partners expect the future to hold
Expectancies
ways partners think about their partnership.
Self--fulfilling prophecies
Self

Assumptions: Beliefs about the way the relationship operates and how things
Assumptions:
actually are
Participants are taught to:
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus
1. Track and test their thoughts,
Spouses cannot change
2. Actively considering various attributions for any negative
Standards:: Beliefs about what a relationship and partner should be like.
Standards
behavior
3. Recognize and challenge unrealistic beliefs
4. Generate lists of the pros and cons of the expectations they
hold.

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 Repairing Relationships

Increase awareness of selective attention

Keep behavioral logs of partners relationship behaviors
Behavioral Approaches:

Increase awareness of attributions and expectancies

Stop the clients and ask them what they are thinking or All three of these behavioral approaches to marital therapy
expecting
work.

Increase awareness of assumptions and standards

Identifying automatic thoughts, tracing them back to he 60% to 70% of those who seriously undertake
underlying assumptions.
them achieve notable reductions in their

Challenge underlying assumptions, combat automatic dissatisfaction and distress.
thoughts and negative attributions

Repairing Relationships Repairing Relationships

Marital Therapy Marital Therapy

Insight Oriented Therapy: Insight Oriented Therapy:

A last approach, insight

insight--oriented couple therapy
therapy,, seeks to free Participants typically re-
re-imagine their relationship histories in an
spouses of some of the problematic emotional baggage they carry effort to identify problematic patterns in their pasts.
from prior relationships.
Thus, unlike the other therapies, this approach looks to the past for
People are helped to comprehend how the personal habits and insights about the present. But it, too, helps most couples.
assumptions they developed in other relationships may be creating
difficulty with their present partners.

Repairing Relationships Repairing Relationships

Marital Therapy Marital Therapy

All of these therapies share key features:
Marital therapy helps most couples.

Each provides a reasonable explanation of why a couple
has been experiencing difficulty.
So, which one is for you?
Each offers hope for desirable change.

Each increases a couples repertoire of more effective and
Pick the therapy
therapyand the therapist
therapist
more advantageous behavior.
that appeal to you the most. Their emphases differ, but they all equip couples with more
constructive ways of relating to each other.

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 Repairing Relationships Repairing Relationships

Marital Therapy Marital Therapy

Thus, it is regrettable that all of these therapies tend to be
If you choose a therapist who you respect and trust underutilized.

and enter any of these therapies with positive Most people who divorce do so without ever consulting a
expectations marital therapist, and those who do usually wait to seek
help until their problems are severe.
any of them is likely to provide you real benefits.
Time counts; the sooner marital problems are addressed,
the easier they are to solve.

Sex Therapy Masters & Johnsom

Masters and Johnson are well known as the
Provided deeper understanding of female sexuality

Many women are multi-
multi-orgasmic
founding pioneers of sex therapy
No physiological distinction between vaginal and clitoral orgasms (no

Human Sexual Response (1966) was based on stigma from not having orgasms from vaginal intercourse alone)

observational research on 694 individuals (with
Stressed the importance of learning (and relearning)

Used direct behavioral techniques (e.g., squeeze technique)
75 married couples)

Emphasized role of anxiety

Excitement
Performance anxiety is concern over whether one will be able to

Plateau perform sexually

Spectatoring is anxiously watching ones own sexual performance in a

Orgasm detached manner

Resolution
Treated the dyad, stressed conjoint treatment, used sexual
surrogates when there was no regular sexual partner.

Helen Kaplan Sex Therapy Techniques

Argued that sex therapy is different from other
Female Orgasms
types of therapy.
Masturbation: the most common technique for

Focused on what was necessary to address the treating female inorgasmia
problem (start-
(start-stop technique, etc.)
Bridge Maneuvers:
Maneuvers: Direct clitoral stimulation
during intercourse eventually ceases prior to

Added the desire phase to precede excitement, orgasm
focused on disorders of desire.
Coital alignment technique:
technique: High-
High-ride, slow,

Focused on organic causes of disorders rhythmic, man-
man-on-
on-top position used to increase
pleasure and treat female inorgasmia

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 Sex Therapy Techniques Sensate Focus

Male Orgasms
Developed by Masters and Johnson to minimize
anxiety

Squeeze technique: Penis is squeezed just below
Couple engage in sensual (non-
(non-sexual) touch,
the head to stave off orgasm concentrating on enjoying giving and receiving touch.

Stop
Stop--start
start:: Alternative to squeeze, focuses on pre-
pre-
Receiver gives clear feedback about what feels good
orgasmic feelings instead of suppressing them
Giver gets in touch with their feelings

Encourages clear sexual communication

3 stages:

Non-sexual (no genitals or breasts)
Non-

May pleasure primary erotic areas, but NOT to orgasm

Orgasm may be included

Desire Disorders
Sexual Desire Disorders

Hypoactive
Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

Aversion
Persistantly or recurrently deficient sexual desire

Orgasmic Disorders
Sexual Aversion Disorder

Inorgasmia
Persistant or extreme aversion to and avoidance of genital

Premature Ejaculation sexual contact

Pain Disorders

Dysoareunia

Vaginismus

Sexual Arousal Disorders
Orgasmic Disorders

Female Sexual Arousal Disorder
Female Orgasmic Disorder

Inability to attain/maintain an adequate
Delay or absence of orgasm
lubrication/swelling response
Male Orgasmic Disorder

Male Erectile Disorder
Delay or absence of orgasm

Inability to attain/maintain adequate erection
Premature Ejaculation

Ejaculation with minimal sexual stimulation before the
person wishes it

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Sexual Pain Disorders
Substance-Induced Sexual Disorder

Dyspareunia
SSRIs, etc.

Genital pain associated with intercourse (male or female)

Vaginismus

Involuntary spasm of the muscles in the outer third of the
vagina that interfere with intercourse

Dilators, Botox

Paraphilias
Paraphilias

Sexual Masochism

Exhibitionism
Sexual urges/fantasies/behavior involving REAL being humiliated, bound, or
otherwise made to suffer

exposure of genitals to unsuspecting strangers

Sexual Masochism

Fetishism
Sexual urges/fantasies/behavior involving REAL infliction of pain and
suffering

Sexual urges/fantasies/behavior involving the use of nonliving

Transvestic fetishism
objects

Sexual urges/fantasies/behavior involving clothing of the opposite sex

Frotteurism
Voyeurism

Touching or rubbing against a non-consenting partner
Sexual urges/fantasies/behavior involving watching an unsuspecting person
disrobe, engage in intercourse, etc.

Pedophilia
Paraphilia NOS

Sexual urges/fantasies/behavior involving pre-pubescent children
Telephone scatologia, necrophilia, partialism, zoophilia, coprophilia,
klismaphilia, urophilia, etc.

Divorce Therapy

Marital therapy focuses on maintaining and strengthening the

Behavioral treatment (aversion therapy, classical marital bond.
conditioning)
Divorce therapy focuses on ending it.

Pre
Pre--divorce decision making

Chemical castration (Depo Provera)
Divorce is seen as one alternative to the relationship

Focus is on non-
non-destructive communication

Detecting Pedophilia
Discuss consequences of divorce

Divorce re-
re-structuring

Therapist helps the family make the legal, emotional, financial, and
parental arrangements necessary for the shift

Post divorce recovery

Ex-
Ex-spouses are supported in developing autonomous lives

Difficulties with custody, etc. are dealt with

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 Maintaining and Repairing
In Conclusion
Relationships

Most of us hope that we will ultimately construct

Maintaining and Enhancing Relationships an intimate relationship with a particular partner

Repairing Relationships that we will find fulfilling for the rest of our
lives.

In Conclusion
We may.

In Conclusion

Relationship scientists hope that, now that you

have studied their work, you are better equipped
to create, understand, and manage successful,
happy, rewarding relationships that last.

I wish you the very best in the interpersonal journey that awaits you.

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