SUPER DAVE

1. We all know that the Swiss are officially neutral, unofficially however, theyre filthy
sons of bitches.
2. Remember the old days when tweeting meant stabbing a hooker?
3. Why is there an app for everything, except, how to rape a baby
4. Some gold plated chains would make a nice retirement gift for a very very good
slave
5. I can prove God exists, if I could just find that damn receipt from our brunch in
the Hamptons
6. We could nip March madness in the bud if we watch for the warning signs of
brooding anti social February fever
7. Well this Lindsay Lohan cant swim a stroke but she sure knows every dive in
town
8. Call me an old softie, but Id prefer if you call me a distinguished gentleman with
a flagging erection.
9. I remember back when the Harlem Shake was just a black fella holding me
upside down off a fire escape trying to collect his money
10. Sure junkyard dogs are mean, but the meanest dogs are generally found
guarding concentration camps. Note: Early version of Jim Croce's 1973 smash hit Bad
Bad Eeroy Brown included the line Meaner than a concentration camp dog but Croce
decided it was unpleasant to the ear. And it was also offensive to Jews, Gypsies and
homosexuals. Little did it matter, Croce would be dead within the year.
11. Deep throat porn legend Harry Reeves died, how are they going to close that
casket?!
12. Alfred the great may well be the greatest monarch in the history of England - the
worst? Richard the goat fucker.
TOM GREEN
13. This Easter Sunday, Snoop Dogg gets to say Christ is rizzezen
14. We wear new clothes on Easter to represent Christ's triumphant appearance to
the stunned Apostles, in a sharp 2 button blazer by Hugo Boss.
15. The guy who did the voice of Charlie Brown was arrested for stalking his
girlfriend this week. He also said the next time Lucy grabs away the football, he's going
to cut that bitch
16. President Obama continues to shamelessly wage class warfare. Today he
announced a steep new tax on shiny top hats.
17. Some folks say what this country needs is a good five cent cigar. Im guessing
they're opposing obamacare.
18. I don't know if this counts as an NCAA cinderella story, but one of the marquette
players said he had help making his uniform, from a bunch of singing mice and birds.
19. I read a story about 17 year old kid who stole a plane, crashed it, and survived.
Why dont we make the whole plane out of that kid?
20. Warning to the Easter bunny, don't put all your eggs in one basket fella.
21. They say the world's a smaller place than it used to be, but I think thats an
optical illusion, based on me becoming a big fat guy.
22. Growing up, I never would have believed that one day Id need a computer just to
masterbate.
 23. Jon Hamm has a big dick. I could have told you that but I don't suck and tell.
24. Swedish Bond girl Britt Ekland told Piers Morgan this week that she was seduced
by Warren Beatty after the legendary lothario took her to an x rated movie for their first
date. This is what I have to say about that Hey Warren, stop stealing my moves!
25. Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, but I invented the lightbulb up my ass.
26. Octomom is facing jail time for committing welfare fraud. Who didn't see that one
coming. I mean seriously, a single mother of 8!
27. I am not a big fan of video games where you can not kill a prostitute.
28. The thing I miss most about the 70s is rolling a number and giving my old lady
some head.
29. Celebrating April 1st birthdays, Russian pianist Sergei Romanov, who was born
on this day in 1872, rapper Method Man is 41, Debbie Reynolds turns 80 today, Rachel
Maddow is 39, and former German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt would have been 95
today. April Fools! Former German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt is alive and well!
30. I love Lou Gehrig, but Im not going to stand up in front of a million people and
brag that I'm the luckiest man in the world because some doctors named a disease after
me. Confidence is one thing, but arrogance is the worst disease of them all.
31. One day in the hopefully not too distant future, North Korean dictator Kim Jong
Un is going to hear a loud popping sound. The sound of his head coming out of his own
ass!
32. A Miami Florida pimp is in custody after forcing a 13 year old prostitute to have
his name tattooed on her eyelids when she threatened to run away from him. Roman
Thomas The 3rd faces charges of human traffic, false imprisonment, lewd and lascivious
exhibition, and delivery of a controlled substance to a child. You know the scriptures say
judge not lest ye be judged but Im just going to come out and say it. This Roman
Thomas the 3rd guy this guy's a real jerk
33. I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold, but then I realized it meant,
getting back at somebody.
34. Hey news media, leave Kim Kardashian alone, will you? She's pregnant of
course she's going to gain weight and if anyone knows about rapid weight gain it's me. I
went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say OINK!
35. I think enough time has passed since 1947 where I can safely admit it. I wish I
was the guy that finally wiped the annoying smirk off the Black Dahlia's face.
36. Music is the universal language, but one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.
37. I feel the same way about slaves as I do about shirts with flame patterns on
them. I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them.
38. Mickey Mantle knew two things, drinking, and playing drunk baseball.
39. Why doesn't applebee's call their appetizers appletizers? And why doesnt that
waitress I met at TGI Fridays ever call me back.
40. This administration is cutting back drastically on military spending but doesnt
think defense capabilities will be comprised? How so? Ill tell you how so! Groupons
41. A world wide scientific study confirms a long held suspicion; no one anywhere
likes drum circles.
42. Justin bieber's monkey has been quarantined, which reminds us how far weve
come since headlines about Pearl Harbor and D-Day.
 43. In the coffee shop line today I hear the guy behind me say I like to start by biting
the ears off and I had to pray Please god let him be talking about a chocolate Easter
bunny
44. Earlier this week Aaron Jackson of Topeka Kansas painted his house the colors
of the gay pride rainbow flag in direct protest of the Westboro Baptist Church. When that
didnt seem to work, Jackson fucked 3 of his best buds on his front lawn.
45. Chipotle has canceled its planned sponsorship of the Utah Boy Scout event due
to the BSA's ban on gay leaders and scouts. Ironic how an all male anti-gay organization
would want to put hot thick loads of beef and sour cream in their mouth.
46. Former Tennessee Titans cheerleader Elizabeth Leigh Garner is accused of
pulling a 12 year old boy pants off and offering him oral sex. The boy refused her
advance, not because he was 12 but because he was a diehard Colts fan.
Fred Stoller
47. Former pornstar Jenna Jameson was arrested this weekend after allegedly
assaulting someone. This may be the most damaging to happen to her image since a 60
year career in pornography.
48. Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of
Richard Clock - the man convicted of knife raping his wife. (Link)
49. Veterinarians in Colorado have reported that marijuana use is on the rise among
dogs. They say you will know if your dog is too high if it starts making a really tall
sandwich.
50. My doctor told me I should start juicing you know? The problem is I dont think he
meant ham juice.
51. Im so fat when I get my shoes shined I have to take the boot blacks word for it.
52. Porn actor Ron Jeremy is back at work after having open heart surgery. The
name of his next feature is called Im going to have to sit down for most of this
53. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Love like youve
never been hurt. And fuck like a goddamn retard.
54. How many polish guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb. The question can not
be answered because polish people are so fucking stupid that no matter how many of
them are available none of them would ever be able to complete that simple task.
55. How many comedians does it take to screw in a lightbulb. One to do it, and the
other guy to go How longs he been up there?
56. My Brother in Law is so stupid he came up with a bucket list. Know what the first
thing on his bucket list was? Committing suicide.
57. Have you heard about the 4 NFL players that are coming out of the closet? It's
about time I think. I think it's high time. Because isn't it strange that nobodys come out of
closet in an entire sport of football? Where there's 2000+ players. So there's a great deal
of speculation on who the 4 Gay players will be. nobody knows. My guess it's those 4
that are always sucking each others cocks.
58. Because of droughts all over Europe, scientists are predicting a global shortage
of olive oil. Soon the world will know the way the way Popeye felt after the death of his
wife.
59. It takes forever to get a pilot's license, but it only takes a couple of minutes to
steal a pilots jacket and hat.
 60. Barbara Walters is planning to announce her retirement, what's next for Babs?
Death.
BILLY BOB THORNTON
61. I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf. Except at wolf picnics when
you don't have a partner for the wolf wheelbarrow races.
62. The Octomom has reportedly been evicted from her california home. The mother
of 13 children packed up and left her property in palmdale after being asked to leave for
not paying her rent for the month of april. The single parent whose real name is Nadya
Suleman exited leaving a huge mess and the stench of urine inside the pad. Wait it says
here the urine has been traced back to Adam Eget.
63. Call me crazy, but I take orders from martians who send secret message beamed
out from the antenna at the top of the Empire State Building.
64. A Georgia high school is planning to merge their formerly all black and all white
proms into a single event. The theme of this June's dance? An evening of unbridled race
war.
65. A florida man was arrested for stealing $76,000 worth of campbell's soup. I for
one hope this guy goes away for mm mm good.
66. My girlfriend and I have a deal where we have 1 celebrity that we can sleep with
and it's not considered cheating. Mine is that woman who plays Madea.
67. In kansas a Gay rights activist named Aaron Jackson payed $83,000 to buy a
house across from the homophobic Westboro Baptist Church, and had it painted
rainbow colors. Mr. Jackson plans to recoup his investment by, well actually there's no
plan. Have fun living in a hideous house in Kansas across from some vicious bigots.
68. Its earth day! The one day of the year where you can jerk off outside and nothing
bad can happen.
69. A new study shows that most men can identify a gay man by his face alone. Its
his face that's buried in another mans asshole.
LARRY KING
70. Apparently someone in germany stole 5 metric tons of nutella. Police havent
arrested anyone yet but they are questioning Gunter Funhog, the 700 pound man that
smells like chocolate and hazelnuts who guards the Nutella storage facility. I love the
movie 42. Its Chadwick Boseman like you've never seen him before.
71. There's no wrong way to eat a reese's. Says the guy who didnt shove a bunch of
reese's up his ass.
72. Amanda Bynes is a lush blonde whos quickly turning into a blonde lush.
73. Have you heard about this thing where people make up porn star names? They
take their childhood pet's name, and then they combine it with their street name. So
anyways, mine would be dick fuckington.
74. College Freshman Scott Dameron set a new world record by using his head to
bust 142 eggs and he now officially holds a place in the Guinness Book of Fucking
Retards.
75. If you were a Russian prostitute on a date with cereal killer Andrei Chikatilo AKA
The Rostov Ripper, and he couldnt achieve an erection, that was not your lucky day.
76. The Al Qaeda online magazine Inspire has a recipe for a homemade bomb.
They also have a recipe for a pretty darn good peach cobbler.
 77. You know my clothes make me look slimmer. But they didnt fool that flight of
stairs that collapsed under my astonishing new girth.
78. I loved Liberace, but with all due respect man, if you kicked that guy in the ass,
100 cocks would fall out.
KEVIN NEALON
79. Fast and Furious 6 opens next week. The cast is getting a little older, its less fast
and furious and more Brisk and peeved
80. A good name for a dog is syndrome. Then when he tries to attack someone you
can yell Down Syndrome!
81. Ive never gotten a decent explanation as to how Popeye the Sailor Man lost his
eye.
82. In my opinion if we are going to fight the war on terror, a good place to start
would be our countrys haunted houses.
83. ZZ Top sang that every girl's crazy bout a sharp dressed man. But you know
what they're not crazy about? Gross long beards.
84. Movie star and award winning director Ben Affleck has vowed to live one day on
$1.50 or as Adam Eget calls it a raise
85. In England a woman was arrested for throwing a birthday party for her 16 year
old Son that involved marijuana, alcohol and strippers. Now shes got an even bigger
problem, what to do for his 17th birthday.
86. Horses must love that they're the go-to animals when saying a guy has a huge
cock. I bet giraffes have huge cocks, Im sure of it. But let's face it, no one's ever going
to say That guys hung like a giraffe unless his cock is yellow and has brown spots on
it. In which case who cares how big his fucking cock is, he has weeks to live.
87. Tomorrow is national secretary's day, I plan on getting my secretary the same
thing i always do. A big fat goosing.
88. Remember the good old days back when MILF stood for Mentally Ill Lady I'd like
to fuck
89. Tim Tebow's time in New York wasn't a total loss, he had a monument built to him
in central park. A bench.
90. Catherine Zeta Jones has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Half the time
she's Zeta, half the time she's Jones.
91. A new tabloid rumor 205 pound Kim Kardashian might be getting paid to gain
weight. By some weight loss program or reality show that will then get her to lose weight.
I have a similar deal, only I paid them, and by them I mean Zankou Chicken. And in
exchange they give me some Zankou Chicken.
92. Cats and paraplegics have a lot in common. For starters, neither appreciates
getting thrown into your pool.
93. They say there's no people like show people, but now scientists have found that
show people are genetically leaked to the Laplanders, and the Finns.
THAT GUY FROM THE BIG BANG THEORY
94. Despite all the advances in veterinary medicine and racing technology the
Kentucky Derby record set by Secretariat still stands, the reason? Today's horses are
total pussies.
95. Jah Rules taxes are just like his music. No one can remember the last time he
released anything.
 96. Catherine Zeta Jones admitted she is bipolar, half the time she is deliriously
happy, and the other half she has to suck an old mans cock.
97. If tampons are called sanitary napkins, how unsanitary must regular napkins be?
98. Scientists have found a submerged mass of granite off the coast of south
america that they are calling the Brazilian atlantis. Damnit, I want to be called the
Brazilian atlantis.
99. Crews in Ohio dismantled a tavern wall in search of Jimmy Hoffa's body, and
sure enough, they found the inside of a tavern wall.
100. I once missed a day of Cosmetology school and later I had to make up
class.
101. The Dalai Lama said that killing in the name of religion is unthinkable.
Hey thanks Dalai Lama, Im sure everybody will fucking listen to you.
102. Yesterday was bring your daughter to work day, which was awkward for
Adam Eget. Do you know how hard it is to fuck a whore with her kid on the edge of the
bed playing Nintendo?
103. I like hotels, they make your bed, make your dinner, send housekeepers
up to watch you masterbate, its a dream.
104. The parents of Honeybooboo are getting married this week. I dont know
what any of that means but it sounds fucking retarded.
105. Recent studies show fish can communicate with each other using subtle
physical gestures. One of their most common messages, Lets leave this party early
106. I assume anyone smiling is on meth.
107. According to a new survey, Robin Roberts is america's most trusted news
anchor. And America's least trusted news anchor? Matt Liar.
108. Ariel Castro the Cleveland kidnapper and rapist must have had a very
difficult upbringing. His last names the same as a ruthless dictator, and his first names
the same as an adorable, little red mermaid.
109. A new study found that men with beards are more attractive. More great
work from the university of Bob Seger.
NICK SWARDSON
110. A Florida university student was caught streaking on campus and
apparently told police he was on acid, and asked them to cut his dick off. Boy these kids
today are crazy, back in my day we didnt need drugs, we would just cut our own dicks
off.
111. There's a new 3d version of the Great Gatsby coming out. In 3d, it was
almost like the sober examination of the unrestrained materialism and absent moral
center of the roaring twenties almost jumped right out at you.
112. I think my doctor might be retarded. Why? His name is Doctor Retardo.
113. 42 year old Richard Swanson set out to dribble a soccer ball from Seattle
to Brazil, but got hit by a car in Oregon and died. Well at least he got to die doing what
he loved. Dribbling a soccer ball in traffic.
114. One of the most popular documentaries on Netflix is Jiro Dreams of
Sushi. One of the least popular is Jiro Nightmares of Ass Rape
115. Pain and Gain the new movie directed by Michael Bay. Reviewers are
calling it everything from shit to fucking shit
 116. Hey listen have you noticed my enormous weight gain? Ive gained 45
pounds. Im telling you, my landlord managed to get rid of 230 pounds of ugly fat - he
evicted me!
117. Sure we all know about Norms astonishing weight gain - but i think it's
become a bit wearisome. So let's agree to stop having fun at his expanse.
118. Four of the top 5 picks in the NFL draft were offensive tackles which is a
great thing to tell your wife as the love drains from her eyes.
119. Danny Devito looks like one of those guys with a short but thick penis.
120. You know dogs and humans love to run because apparently it gives them
a natural high, similar to marijuana, according to the university of Arizona. After running,
what are called cannabinoids, the chemical found in marijuana that gives you the feeling
of euphoria, are higher in humans and dogs, and this encourages them to run again.
TO 7/11 for a slurpee!
121. A man in Taiwan reportedly cut off his own penis to win an argument with
his own wife. That reminds me of that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where
Raymond forgot Debras birthday and had to cut his own cock off.
122. Before I begin I have a quick public service announcement. Would
somebody, anybody, please fuck Martha Stewart.
123. I can understand why Barbara Walters is retiring. It must be exhausting
occasionally appearing on the view.
124. Engaging in hate speech is wrong and terrible and should never be
allowed. But you have to admit, engaging in a hate stutter would be kind of cute.
125. Papa John's delivery man has been arrested for allegedly selling more
than 40k in cocaine hidden in pizza boxes, to undercover police officers. This raises an
important question: Wheres all that pizza that was supposed to go in those boxes? And
can I have them to eat?
126. Sesame Street introduced its very first Latino character. Armando. But it's
not going great, apparently on the first day he got into a knife fight and stabbed the letter
A.
127. The FDA is investigating health risks posed by Wrigley's new caffeinated
gum. Where the hell was the FDS when York Peppermint Patties were making people
shiver and have involuntary orgasms?
128. Time magazine named the top 100 most influential people in the world.
The top 100 included Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Jimmy kimmel, IN YOUR FACE Ueli
Maurer President of the Swiss Confederation!
129. Nowadays most teenagers don't watch their favorite shows on actual TV
sets. Instead they just blow each other.
130. How many people have to die before we finally do something about
dropping pianos?
ANDY DICK
131. The latest Archie Comic shows gay character Kevin kissing his boyfriend
Devin. Another barrier will be broken next month when in a dream sequence,Jughead
will be shown fisting Betty Crocker.
132. Barbara Walters announced that shes retiring from the view. Well actually
she announced it five years ago, but nobody could hear her over those yammering
bitches.
 133. They say pimpin aint easy. But what they wont tell you is it's much much
more difficult being a prostitute.
134. Its hard to believe that the entire cast of Saved by the Bell is now dead.
135. George Clooney may be a dapper fellow, but dont forget, he whacks off
just like the rest of us.
136. If theres 2 things Im 100% sure are true, its that 1. No means no. 2. You
should never take no for an answer.
137. There is a new service called Sidecar, where if you need a ride
somewhere you will be picked up by a stranger and driven to your location. However in a
few months the company plans on going back to its original name. Murder.
138. Accomplished comedian Sinbad has announced hes filing for bankruptcy
for the 2nd time. Sounds like things have gone from Sinbad, to Sin Worst.
139. A lot of people talk about masterbating to the SEARS catalogue when you
were younger. But Im ALOT older than that, back in my day you actually had to go to a
Sears store and fucking whack off.
140. Organist Ray Manzarek died this week at age 74 THE CURSE OF THE
DOORS.
141. My Aunt turned her house into a bed and breakfast. I guess she woke up
and said Not enough strangers are fucking here
142. There are over 10,000 missing person cases in America. I hope Im not
telling tales out of school, but I think the answer to where these missing people are, is
very clear. Joran van der Sloot
143. Never trust a black guy wearing a Dirk Nowitzki jersey.
144. Whenever someone says I have a couple irons in the fire I think, is one
of them a job writing blacksmith metaphors?
145. If the Miami Heat win the NBA championship this year, Im going to eat
my hat. Its not that I care or think that theyre going to win, its just that I want to eat my
hat.
146. This year's most popular iphone game is Clash of the Clans The least
popular game, Cut my cock off
GILBERT GOTTFRIED
147. Today is the 11th birthday of President Obama's youngest daughter
Sasha. Or as I like to call her, the uppity one
148. Well were now into those hazy crazy lazy days of summer. Especially
those of us who are over medicated schizophrenics who live near smoky industrial
parks.
149. I think there's some trouble over at craigslist. I went over there and saw
an add, Someone to kill Craig's wife
150. You know that sweet old song Tea for Two Nobody near us to see us or
hear us, I think those people wanted to get down to some serious fucking.
151. I think the reason I most look forward to China ruling the earth is that all of
their last names sound like slang for cock.
152. Astronomers have discovered 3 new planets that have an atmosphere
conducive to human life. And they've discovered one that has an atmo conducive to
hipster life.
 153. Michael Douglas portrayed the flamboyant entertainer in the new HBO
film Behind the Candelabra Id like to say something to Michael Douglas. I sang with
liberace, I knew Liberace, Liberace was a friend of mine. Michael Douglas was no
liberace.
154. Why is it so difficult to find pornography about people in stable
monogamous relationships?
155. Chinas government has reported that they have lost over 28,000 rivers in
the past decade. My theory is they sold it into the sordid world of underground river sex
trafficking.
156. A man in France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask, the cops
put him in jail right after a quick debriefing.
157. You know, Im old enough to remember back to simpler more innocent
times. When the worst thing youd hear about the news, was hijacked jet airliners flying
into buildings.
158. The worlds second oldest man died this week at 113. Good news for the
2nd oldest man in the word who got bad news this week, hes dying.
159. Michael Douglas claims that oral sex can lead to throat cancer. Which
might shed some light on why Adam Eget prefers to lick mens assholes.
RAY ROMANO
160. Scientists now say that trout can communicate with each other with subtle
physical gestures. Just when you thought trout couldnt get any more fascinating.
161. Mondays aren't actually worse than any other day according to a group of
researchers whove never read a Garfield comic.
162. Archaeologists excavating a trash pit at the Jamestown Colony site in
Virginia have found direct evidence of human cannibalism. it's believed to be the first
historical evidence of someone eating a bag of dicks.
163. 2 women accused of using sorcery have been beheaded in a remote
village in Papua New Guinea. A team of police was rushed to the scene but were forced
to stand by and watch the victims being decapitated by axes as locals refused to let
them come to their aid. Norm, if you ever go to a remote village in Papua New Guinea,
by all costs avoid using sorcery.
164. A Las Vegas woman was arrested after hiding a stolen rolex in her
vagina. Wow, now Bruce Jenner's just gone too far.
165. Bill Clinton says he wouldnt be surprised if some day we are visited by
aliens from outer space. Leading democratic presidential hopeful Hillary clinton said
Shouldn't you be getting a blowjob somewhere?
166. Las Vegas is now home to a 550 ft tall ferris wheel. Also drawing
thousands to las vegas, WHORES.
167. The street drug Special K has been found to be an excellent treatment
for depression. This according to the New England Journal of Gary Busey.
David Spade
168. After being drafted into the 7th round by the Rams, Michael Sam kissed
his boyfriend. The celebration didnt end there because on ESPN2 there was full
insertion.
169. Norm: It's time for this week's This Week I Learned. Adam? Adam: This
week I learned that cum tastes like nickels
 170. A study has found that the average high school prom girl now spends
1000 dollars, or 2000 if you count the abortion.
171. A Westchester parking enforcement officer stole 89,000 in quarters. How
much laundry does this guy need to do?
172. Sadly, the man behind the voice of Tony the Tiger died at 64. His last
words? I dont feel Greaaaat
173. Two strangers were arrested for having sex on a plane. How about that?
You know who I feel sorry for? The guy in the middle seat.
174. Neil Patrick Harris posed nude for the cover of Rolling Stone except for a
hat hanging off his weiner. And this morning Adam Egat woke up and said Hey where's
my hat?
175. We are living in a golden age of Adam masterbating to interracial granny
porn.
176. Dr. Dre announced that hes the first hip hop billionaire, a regular J Paul
Getto.
177. All the charities that Donald Sterling donated millions of dollars to are
giving it back to him. Well that will show him.
178. To stop a pitbull attacking her daughter a texas man bit the dog. Thats an
interesting story, but its not what i would call news.
179. The search continues for the missing Malaysian airliner. In related news a
plane was spotted by some cavemen in the year 365 bc.
180. A man in Chipata allowed a hyena to eat his penis after being told by a
witch doctor it would help him become rich. Is it me or does it sound like that hyena and
witch doctor were in cahoots?
ADAM SANDLER
181. MIchigan man Curtis Peterson received a 15 year prison sentence for
having sex with his pet pit bull. What's that lassie? Woof woof? Grandma got stuck in a
well? Woof woof? Oh you got raped?
182. A new study found that men with beards are more attractive. more great
work from the university of Bob Seger.
183. Growing up I never would have believed that one day I'd need a computer
just to masterbate.
184. Call me a little old softie, but Id prefer if youd call me a distinguished
gentlemen with a flagging erection.
185. Tim Tebow's time in new york wasn't a total loss, he had a monument built
to him in central park. A BENCH!
186. In my opinion if youre going to fight the war on terror, a good place to
start would be this nation's haunted houses.
187. Catherine Zeta Jones has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, half the
time she's Zeta
188. If you were a Russian prostitute on a date with serial killer Andrei
Chikatilo, aka the Rostov Ripper, and he couldn't achieve an erection, this was not your
lucky day.
189. Self described Canadian porn star Luka Rocco Magnotta, heading to
court soon for the grizzly murder of his Chinese boyfriend. Magnotta allegedly killed Lin
Ying on video tape. He started by cutting the man's penis off, leading to his lover
bleeding out live on video tape. Magnotta then went to his kitchen and placed his
boyfriend's penis into a skillet frying it until it was golden brown. While taking his last
breath, Yun witnessed his supposed soul mate feast on his genitals. After he had
perished magnotta began dismembering him, sending packages of his - I mean this guy
was a real jerk.
190. One day in the hopefully not too distant future North Korean dictator Kim
Jong Un is going to hear a loud popping sound. The sound of his head coming out of his
ass.
191. There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's, says the guy who didn't shove a
bunch of Reese's up his ass.
192. The Octomom has reportedly been evicted from her California home. The
mother of 13 children packed up and left her property in Palmdale after being asked to
leave for not paying her rent for the month of April. The single parent whose real name is
Nadya Suleman exited leaving a huge mess and the stench of urine inside the pad. Wait
it says here the urine has been traced back to Adam Eget.
193. My brother in law is so stupid, the first thing on his bucket list was suicide.
194. I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf. Except at wolf picnics
when you don't have a partner for the wolf wheelbarrow races.
195. Porn actor Ron Jeremy is back at work after having open heart surgery.
The name of his next feature is called Im going to have to sit down for most of this
196. Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, but i invented the lightbulb up my
ass
CARL REINER
197. A tractor trailer flipped over, releasing millions of bees, which strung the
driver millions of times. Speaking from the hospital, the driver said No flowers?
198. I realized in therapy that Im not afraid of dying. Im afraid of living. Oh no!
Im afraid of dying.
199. Police in Tennessee arrested a teenage girl when they found a loaded
gun in her vagina. When questioned, the boyfriend said I guess that explains why my
cock kept getting blown off
200. 2 months later we still havent found Malaysian Airlines flight 370. This
looks like the work of Joran Vandersloot.
201. A 28 year old med student is auctioning off her virginity. For three hundred
thousand dollars you can have the worst sex of your life.
202. A man in Chipata allowed a hyena to eat his penis after being told by a
witch doctor it would help him become rich. Is it me or does it sound like that hyena and
witch doctor were in cahoots.
203. George Clooney is engaged. The rich and handsome 53 year old told
reporters It's time for me to settle down and officially start cheating on a heartsick and
disillusioned spouse.
204. The kidnapping victims in Nigeria are being forced to marry these captors.
Im glad to hear these kidnappers are old fashioned.
205. Some of the 200 Nigerian schoolgirls kidnapped by extremists in nigeria
have been forced to marry their kidnappers. Worse than that, theyve been forced to
laugh at their husbands stories even after hearing them for the umpteenth time.
 206. If I had a gun to my head and had to pick a vice presidential candidate to
have sex with, I would choose Sarah Palin, and Spiro Agnew.
FRED WILLARD
207. Malaysian Flight 370 is still missing. You know where theyre going to find
it? The last place they look!
208. The pilot's last words I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this
motherfucking plane!
209. Yo Mama's so fat she developed type two diabetes AND congestive heart
failure! SNAP!
210. You dont hear anymore about Bob Costas infected eye. Who is
stonewalling this investigation??!!
211. If thinking that women are not funny, emotionally irrational, and less
intelligent than men makes me sexists, then YES I AM sexist!!
212. Here's what Ive learned, you beat up and toss one 19 year old Hispanic
hooker out a window, and they never let you forget it!
213. Opinions are like assholes, Neil Patrick Harris wants to stuff his cock in
them. Oh wait! That's just assholes.
214. April 15th is around the corner, and Adam Eget, asked his accountant for
his extension. Oh sorry! Thats his penis surgeon!
TODD GLASS
215. It was announced this week that the Archie Comic Books will kill off the
character Archie in July. This is disappointing because if there's one archie character
that should die, it's that cock sucker Jughead.
216. Al Sharpton said that the FBI hired him to spy on the mob in the 1970s.
Because if there's one thing the mob trusts its loud black guys.
217. When I die I want my body donated to science. But more specifically, a
scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.
218. The search continues in the Indian ocean for the Malaysian Airlines flight
370 as they listen and try to follow the Pings. These guys sound like me always listening
for pings. The Pings are my Chinese neighbors. Jim and Ellen Ping.
BOB SAGET
219. Two businessmen bought the Milwaukee Bucks for 550 million dollars.
They are very excited with their purchase, as this is the only legal way to own Black
People.
220. Jenny McCarthy recently got engaged to former new kid on the block
Donnie Walhberg. They plan to marry on retard island.
221. How come none of my friends ever have a dungeon? Instead they just
have rape dungeons.
222. I found the secret to life is there is no problem big enough, that a huge
black cock can not fix.
223. Michelle Obama has booked a cameo on the ABC show Nashville. With
this and her appearance on Icarly I think MIchelle is ready to start appearing in films.
May I suggest my favorite film series, Black Ass Fuckers
224. Chicago is now #1 in murder AND sausages. That sounds like my kind of
town!
David Koechner
225. The World Cup has arrived. So if youre wondering why your local bar
smells, its because of all the dirty foreigners.
226. This week I learned just because I masterbated to that picture of a guy
falling to his death on 9/11 doesnt mean I have to share it.
227. A recent report stated that there are over 65 active serial killers in the
United States. What they dont know, is theres actually 66.
228. Brides magazine released a list of 11 ways to be a terrible bride. They
include Dont interfere with the wedding planner, Dont lie about how much the
wedding cost your family, and coming in at number one, Dont fuck your husbands
best friends.
Roseanne Barr
229. Harry Thompson 91 finished running the Rocky Hill San Diego in just over
7 hours, becoming the oldest person to complete a marathon, and setting a world record
for the fastest time in his age group. The previous record was set by Mildred
Kennelworth who died during mile 1.
230. Kim and Kanye celebrated their daughter North Wests one year birthday
by throwing a big party with jugglers, a bouncy house and a ferris wheel. The bad news
is North West is a baby and doesnt know what the fuck is going on.
231. A study has found that men are just as likely as women to spread gossip.
At least thats what I heard Rick tell Brad, who by the way has a crush on Patty.
232. Hey Madonna says shes planning to remake the movie casablanca.
Finally! Someone is going to get it right!
233. Heres a really easy way to figure out if youre taking too many meds. You
refer to your medication as meds.
234. The only thing certain in life are death, taxes, and getting caught
whacking off in a Target dressing room.
235. Hey youre not going to believe this, but Bill Maher is giving away the
solution to all our problems... for free!
236. Know whos even crazier than cat ladies? Snake ladies!
237. Workers at a Harvard University library have discovered a book thats
bound with human skin. They were able to determine that part of the body that the skin
came from, after it was grabbed by a sexy Librarian, and immediately expanded to 3
times its size.
238. When Gwyneth Paltrow says that being a movie star is harder than
working a 9-5 job, she knows, because she spent years clearing heavy debris from
demolition sites- oh wait - this just in - Gwyneth Paltrow hasnt done shit.
239. Im the Ray Allen of my local Applebees because Im always nailing 3s.
240. Alex Trebek set a Guiness world record for most game shows hosted.
The previous record was Who gives a fuck?
241. 3 children were injured when a cannon exploded during a Civil War
reenactment. To keep things authentic, the children had their limbs sawed off with rusty
hacksaws.
242. President Obama in a speech this past week said that we should solve
the nations bee problem. Oh God we elected a guy who sympathizes with BEES?
 243. Presidential Fact: Barack Obama is the first president to ever say the n
word as a term of endearment
MARC MARON
244. A 89 year old Washington man fought off a robber with a golf club, though
to be fair, the only reason the guy was swinging a golf club was because he mistook the
robber for the grim spectre of death.
245. A Pakistani father stoned his daughter to death for marrying a man of her
own choosing. Which means Pakistans tourism board is going to have to come up with
a new slogan to replace Come to Pakistan, 3 whole days without anyone being brutally
stoned to death by their own Father
246. Its kind of a weird feeling watching the Flintstones lately, with their stone
age drive in movies, and their caveman bowling, it just seems so dated.
247. A cowboy at a Rodeo in Georgia used his lasso to apprehend his
gunman. At least thats according to a recent segment of Americas hottest new game
show. Georgia police blotter, or episode synopsis from Walker Texas Ranger.
248. An Orlando police officers press conference on curbing gun violence was
interrupted by gun shots. Witnesses say the shots were incredibly loud, though not as
loud as the deafening irony.
249. All My Children Star Matthew Call has died at the age of 69. Or has he?
250. Research shows the obesity epidemic is primarily affecting lower income
Americans. No lower income Americans could be reached because they are busy
waddling around Six Flags, gnawing on a giant turkey leg, and waiting in line to buy an
airbrushed Yosemite Sam tank top.
251. Miss Nevada is the new miss USA. I now must apologize to Miss
Delaware. I actually have nothing to do with the final decision. But I will treasure our
evening together forever.
252. Did you hear what John Kerry said, The latest terrorist threats against
America are baloney. Then he went on to shout Why dont you pussys put your money
where your mouth is!
253. Secretary of State Kerry calls the latest terror threats Baloney On his
lunch meat danger scale thats more dangerous than salami, but not as dangerous as
turkey loaf.
254. The worlds oldest man, a 111 year old parapsychologist has passed
away. He now knows for sure that all that stuff that he believed in was bullshit.
255. The worlds oldest man, Alexander Imoch, passed away at 111. And the
worlds youngest man, Declan McAlistair was just born. Oh wait! Correction - the worlds
youngest man Van Woo Chung was just born- WAIT no, its Gaston LaClear, NO! Javier
Brutieriezz NO! Its Tackia Amashattee. NO! Its. No wonder they dont keep track of
the worlds youngest man
256. A list of the worlds top 25 amusement parks was released this week with
Disneys Magic Kingdom coming in at #1. Not making the list, Kyles rape dungeon.

MARTIN MULL
257. This week i learned you can pay your dentist with blowjobs
258. I do a terrible John Travolta impression but I find the impression gets a lot
better when my male masseuse is jerking me off.
 259. You know they had a big black mass devil worship this week apparently.
But I skipped it because I believe you can be just as close to Satan on a golf course as
in some stuffy old Satanic Church.
260. Some Biblical scholars now believe that Jesus Christ was married. They
also believe he had the worlds WORST bachelor party.
261. A Chinese man spent 10 years developing a suitcase that doubles as a
motorized scooter. Theres no word on whether he had any particular hopes or dreams.
262. Movie fans are now celebrating the 30th anniversary of Ghostbusters and
are demanding a Ghostbusters 3. At least according to a homeless dude on my block,
who looks suspiciously like Ernie Hudson.
263. Orange is the new Black but NOT in my apartment building! Kevin is the
new black.
264. In Alabama a Youth Ministry Group is under fire for putting up a billboard
that quotes Adolf Hitler. To be fair they did pick his most inspirational quote.
JACK CARTER
265. Man who died. Cause of death, everybody yelled surprise.
266. I spent the last 2 weeks at Disneyland. It was so much fun. The next time
Im taking my wife and kids.
267. In World Cup Soccer, Mexico defeated Caboron 1 to nothing. Or as its
known in soccer, a blowout?
268. Jonah Hill says his heart is broken over the fact he was caught on camera
calling a photographer a Gay slur. And speaking of things that are broken, Jonah Hills
chair.