HE SAID AND SHE SAID ENID: Why, yes, don't you?

a play in one-act
by Alice Gerstenberg MRS. PACKARD: I don't think you ought to like her.

The following one-act play is reprinted from Ten One-Act ENID: Why not?
Plays. Alice Gerstenberg. New York: Brentano's, 1922. It is
now in the public domain and may therefore be performed MRS. PACKARD: She has a long, bad tongue.
without royalties.
ENID: Talks about people--
CHARACTERS
MRS. PACKARD: (Raises her eyebrows) Does she? You ought
to hear her--but then you ought not to hear her.
DIANA CHESBROUGH, a society girl
ENID HALDEMAN, her friend ENID: About me?
FELIX Haldeman, her husband
MRS. CYRUS PACKARD, their friend MRS. PACKARD: Now, there, my dear, I have come for a jolly
little dinner-party and I'm not going to gossip.
SETTING
ENID: Still, if she said anything against me, I ought to protect
Living-room at the Haldemans, before dinner. myself--
[Living-room at the Haldemans. Discovered Enid setting the
room to rights. Enter in hat and coat and jingling a bunch of MRS. PACKARD: That's just it, that's what I thought--and when
house keys Felix Haldeman. He kisses Enid affectionately as if she said--Oh, no, why should I tell you--
it were a daily habit, and then tosses down the evening
paper.] ENID: Why shouldn't you tell me?

FELIX: Hello, dear. MRS. PACKARD: Yes, why shouldn't I? After all, I'm one of your
best friends and you ought to know--
ENID: Felix, I asked Diana and Mrs. Packard over for dinner.
You'd better hurry and wash up a bit. ENID: Certainly, I ought to know--

FELIX: What? Am I to be the only man again? MRS. PACKARD: But you may never forgive me--

ENID: Can't help it, darling. Mr. Packard's in Washington and ENID: Not forgive you for protecting me?
all of Diana's suitors are in the trenches.
MRS. PACKARD: That's true, you must protect yourself. It is
FELIX: There must be some old greybeard left somewhere to my duty to tell you.
invite for Diana.
ENID: What is it? You have me quite scared.
ENID: Oh, there are a few left-overs floating around but Diana
doesn't like them. If she can't get the best male company she MRS. PACKARD: If she tells me a thing like that, of course, she
prefers female. will tell everyone else. By this time, no doubt, it's all over
town.
FELIX: Diana's a peach! She should have married one of the
boys before they all went over. Poor Aubrey Laurence was ENID: How dreadful--what have I done--
madly in love with her.
MRS. PACKARD: It isn't what you've done--it's about Diana
ENID: Hurry up, there's soot on your cheek. [She taps it Chesbrough.
affectionately.]
ENID: She's coming tonight.
FELIX: All right, if I have to dine with three women I'd better
look my best. MRS. PACKARD: Is she? Your invitation?

ENID: (Admiringly) Yes, my dear Cock of the Walk. ENID: Why, yes--

FELIX: There're the evening papers. We gained three miles MRS. PACKARD: Are you sure?
again. [Exit down left.]
ENID: (A bit impatiently) Of course, I'm sure.
[Enid is about to glance at the paper but is interrupted by the
breezy entrance of Mrs. Packard.] MRS. PACKARD: Well-- (She raises her shoulders and
eyebrows.)
MRS. PACKARD: My dear, your maid told me to come right in.
ENID: But in what way can gossip couple my name with
ENID: Oh, Mrs. Packard, I'm so glad you could come on such Diana's? She is one of my best friends.
short notice.
MRS. PACKARD: Oh, is she?
MRS. PACKARD: I jumped at the invitation. It's so lonesome
with John away. How lucky you are to have your husband at ENID: (Stoutly) I am quite sure she is.
home.
MRS. PACKARD: Maybe she is--still, they wonder why Diana
ENID: Thanks to his business, the Government prefers him didn't marry one of the boys before they went off to war.
here. Take off your things.
ENID: Why should she have--
MRS. PACKARD: I'm a little early but I took advantage of the
chance to ride this way in Mrs. Morgan's car. Do you like Mrs. MRS. PACKARD: Yes, why should she have really--still--anyone
Morgan? as attractive as Diana--she had plenty of chances, didn't she?
ENID: Oh, yes. DIANA: Against the law. I have relatives in the trenches. Oh,
I'd love the romance of being there. Enid, get the letter from
MRS. PACKARD: That's what they say. All nice men, too, and your brother, won't you, and read it to Mrs. Packard? He gives
one or two real catches--don't you think it's strange Diana such unusually interesting descriptions--
didn't marry one of them?
ENID: Yes, it's most interesting. Excuse me a moment, it's in
ENID: Yes, I do think it's strange. my desk upstairs.

MRS. PACKARD: (Pouncingly) There! Of course you do! I said [Exit Enid back center.]
it. But why do you think she didn't?
MRS. PACKARD: (With a backward glance to see if Enid is out
ENID: I don't know. of hearing) My dear Miss Chesbrough, pardon me for seeming
to presume, but I am only trying to save you. Are you aware
MRS. PACKARD: What does she say? of what people are saying about you?

ENID: I think she-- DIANA: Saying about me?

MRS. PACKARD: Exactly! It's just what everyone is saying. And MRS. PACKARD: Of course they wouldn't say it to you--
everybody feels so sorry for you.
DIANA: What wouldn't they say?
ENID: Sorry for me?
MRS. PACKARD: It is so much easier to flatter than to say
MRS. PACKARD: My dear, you get all the sympathy. disagreeable things--

ENID: What for? DIANA: People are saying disagreeable things about me?

MRS. PACKARD: Is it possible you have been so blind? MRS. PACKARD: You haven't heard?

ENID: Blind, I? DIANA: No, but I should certainly like to know--

MRS. PACKARD: You're with each other a great deal aren't MRS. PACKARD: Of course you would; any young girl like you--
you? but my dear, do you really think you should come to this
house--
ENID: Yes--
DIANA: Come to this house? Why, Enid and I went to school
MRS. PACKARD: And your husband-- together, she is one of my oldest and best friends--

ENID: Ah, that's what you mean-- MRS. PACKARD: Best--did you say?

MRS. PACKARD: Oh, my poor dear, that's what they say-- DIANA: You doubt it?

ENID: Just what do they say? MRS. PACKARD: After what she said?

MRS. PACKARD: That she and--oh, no, my dear, of course I DIANA: She said something to make you doubt her friendship
don't believe it, but-- to me--surely you are mistaken--

ENID: (Worried) But just in exact words what do they say-- MRS. PACKARD: My dear girl, I have eyes and ears--I can see
and hear--
MRS. PACKARD: Hasn't he ever admired her in your presence--
DIANA: What did Enid say?
ENID: Yes--
MRS. PACKARD: She said she wished you had married one of
MRS. PACKARD: What does he say-- the boys before they went to war--

ENID: Oh, that she's a peach and popular and all the men like DIANA: Oh, that--
her and many of them want to marry her and--
MRS. PACKARD: You admit it! And still you come here--that is
MRS. PACKARD: There you are! That's just it! They said so and what people say--
Mrs. Morgan told me that Diana refused the other men
because--well she said because-- (Sees Diana entering, DIANA: What do I admit? I don't follow your reasoning--I don't
changes the subject quickly.) Oh, Diana, you dear, sweet see--
thing, good evening.
MRS. PACKARD: Of course you don't see--love is always blind.
DIANA: (Enters back center, gay, happy, pretty, unconsciously
friendly) Hello, Mrs. Packard. Hello, Enid, old top. (Kisses DIANA: Love! We haven't said a word about love--
Enid.) I'm early, because I came straight up from town after
dressing at the club. Canteen work all day. How's everybody? MRS. PACKARD: Of course not, it is a delicate word to use and
in this matter it is--well, the world does not think it becoming--
ENID: I've been nursing at the hospital all afternoon.
DIANA: (Indignantly) Mrs. Packard I do not understand your
DIANA: Isn't Enid a trump, doing the home nursing and innuendos--tell me the plain facts--what are people saying--
releasing someone else to get the glory over there? I'd have and what has love got to do with it?
gone over there myself--
MRS. PACKARD: Mr. Haldeman.
MRS. PACKARD: (Pouncingly) Why didn't you?
DIANA: (Laughs) Felix?
MRS. PACKARD: And you! DIANA: That's just it--what is there--if there really were
something-- (She watches him anxiously.) It's most
DIANA: I? embarrassing for me--I don't know how to say it to you--

MRS. PACKARD: They couple your names together. FELIX: My dear Diana, you can say anything to me--haven't I
proved myself a real friend--
DIANA: (Furiously) They say that Felix and I--it is a lie--
DIANA: But if what they say is really--true--
MRS. PACKARD: It doesn't make any difference if it is a lie--the
point is what people say-- FELIX: Don't you know whether it's true or not--

DIANA: The people who say such things have rotten little DIANA: I thought I did--but after she said it I began to
minds that haven't enough brains to entertain themselves-- wonder--

MRS. PACKARD: (Shocked) My dear Miss Chesbrough-- FELIX: Wonder what?

DIANA: And you're just the same repeating such slander-- DIANA: (Hesitates) Oh--

MRS. PACKARD: (Angrily) You insinuate that I am one of the-- FELIX: Out with it!

DIANA: I do. DIANA: You know I love Enid--

MRS. PACKARD: You have insulted me! FELIX: Why, you've grown up together--

DIANA: Not more than you have insulted me! DIANA: I wouldn't hurt her for worlds--

MRS. PACKARD: (Furiously) Miss Chesbrough, you will suffer FELIX: No, you trump!
for this! I tell you something in all friendliness of spirit to
protect you from the slanders of the world and then you DIANA: So do you love her more than any one else--don't you?
reward me by--
FELIX: Of course--but--
DIANA: You listen to idle tounges and then you come and rob
me of my happiness--by putting poison into my mind-- DIANA: (Horrified) Don't say but--

MRS. PACKARD: I was telling you the truth, but people do not FELIX: But why--
thank you for telling them the truth--
DIANA: Why did you say "but"--
DIANA: I am the one who knows what the truth is! I know that
Enid and I are friends and that Enid and Felix and I are friends FELIX: Did I say "but"? I don't know, what was I saying--
and that is all. Felix adores Enid, he would never care for any
other woman-- DIANA: You said of course--BUT--

MRS. PACKARD: Oh, wouldn't he? Does the world know more FELIX: I don't remember--you have me all confused--
than Mrs. Haldeman herself? It does not! Just a few moments
ago in this very room she told me herself that she wished you DIANA: You don't think I'm in love with you, do you?
had married because she knows that Felix is in love with you--
she pretends to be your friend but in her heart she hates you-- FELIX: Great Scott, do they say you are in love with me?

DIANA: It's not true! DIANA: You never have thought have you--

MRS. PACKARD: It is not pleasant to argue with you, Miss FELIX: I'm not so conceited to think I could--
Chesbrough. I shall find my hostess and make my excuses
and not stay to dinner-- (Exit up center.) DIANA: Ah, then--but--

DIANA: (Goes as if to follow her) If I have been too utterly FELIX: Well, now, what, but--
rude, I humbly apologize but I cannot allow you to circulate
such outrageous-- DIANA: Are you in love with me?

FELIX: (Enters from down left) Hello, Diana, when did you get FELIX: (Shouts) No!
here? Want to help me mix the cocktails? (Goes to side table
and begins to mix drinks.) DIANA: Thank goodness! But--

DIANA: Felix, a terrible thing has happened--they talk about FELIX: What--
us!
DIANA: That's what they say--
FELIX: Who is they and who is us?
FELIX: That I am in love with you--
DIANA: People are talking about you and me--
DIANA: And that I am in love with you--
FELIX: (Mixing cocktail) Why, what have we done? Do you like
a drop of orange bitters? FELIX: And--

DIANA: You're not taking it seriously. DIANA: Exactly!

FELIX: But what is there-- FELIX: Holy smokes!

DIANA: But it's not true!

DIANA: But they say it's true! DIANA: I don't care what you resent--you've come in and
spoilt a beautiful friendship I've had all my life and I don't care
FELIX: And what they say-- what I call you--

DIANA: Amounts to the same thing-- ENID: But in my house--my guests--

FELIX: What can we do? DIANA: Don't worry--I shall not be your guest another
moment--I'm going-- (Starts.)
DIANA: That's what I'm asking you--
ENID: No, Diana, I can't let you leave in--anger.
FELIX: Go straight to Enid--
DIANA: But I do--I leave with my heart black against you for
DIANA: But Enid believes it! listening to what she said--

FELIX: Nonsense! MRS. PACKARD: What did I say?

DIANA: She said so-- DIANA: You said that Felix and I were in love with each other
and you insinuated that--
FELIX: What "she" said so?
MRS. PACKARD: I never said such a thing in all my life!
DIANA: Mrs. Packard said they all say it.
DIANA: Mrs. Packard! Why just a few moments ago in this very
FELIX: How do they know? room you--

DIANA: They don't, but they think they do so it amounts to the MRS. PACKARD: I never said such a thing in all my life!
same thing.
DIANA: Can you look me straight in the eyes and tell me you
FELIX: But Enid can't believe it-- never said it?

DIANA: But there's proof that she does believe it-- MRS. PACKARD: I never said it! never, never, never!

FELIX: It's too absurd-- DIANA: Didn't you tell me that you have eyes and ears and
that you can see and hear--and that everybody was saying--
DIANA: Mrs. Packard said that Enid said that you said you
were in love with me or something like that--and that Enid MRS. PACKARD: But what everybody else says isn't what I
hates me-- say!

FELIX: That's not true, I know she likes you-- DIANA: Didn't you tell me that Felix was in love with me--

DIANA: But Mrs. Packard wouldn't dare say anything-- MRS. PACKARD: I didn't know that! She told me that! (Turns to
Enid.)
FELIX: She said Enid hates you--
ENID: I never told you that!
DIANA: Perhaps Enid does--perhaps she is jealous over
nothing at all--perhaps she has been imagining things-- MRS. PACKARD: Why, my dear, you did! In this very room, a
perhaps she does hate me--perhaps she too has been saying few moments ago--
things--making it seem as if--
ENID: I never said such a thing in all my life--and how can you
[She stops as Enid enters followed by Mrs. Packard center.] imagine--

ENID: Diana, Mrs. Packard says you insulted her and that she MRS. PACKARD: I imagine nothing! I know what I see and what
feels she cannot stay for dinner-- I hear and you certainly told me that you ought to know all I
had heard so you could protect yourself. So I told you in a
DIANA: I apologized to Mrs. Packard but she would not accept friendly way, trying to be a help and there we are.
my--
DIANA: (Bitterly) Yes, where are we?
MRS. PACKARD: Ah, you do admit you insulted me--
MRS. PACKARD: You have no one to blame but yourself.
DIANA: Only after you insulted me!
DIANA: We have no one to blame but you--
MRS. PACKARD: You hear, Mrs. Haldeman? It is just as I said,
she accused me of insulting her when I was trying only to be ENID: MRS. PACKARD, I didn't know I had to protect myself--
kind and giver her a little motherly advice-- until you insinuated--

DIANA: Mrs. Packard took it upon herself to repeat some MRS. PACKARD: Why, it was you yourself who said that he
things that people are saying--things that are manifestly wanted to marry her--
untrue--
ENID: I said nothing of the sort. I said that he said--
ENID: Whether they are true or not--it is highly unpleasant for
me to have this altercation in my house-- [All women turn simultaneously upon Felix who up to this time
has refrained from meddling in the quarrel. He is confused by
DIANA: I can tell by your voice that you are willing to believe this sudden demand upon him and answers foolishly.]
that woman--
FELIX: I don't know what you're talking about.
 can never be bright again. You caused this by your malicious
MRS. PACKARD: Didn't you say to your wife that you wanted remarks about my regard for Miss Chesbrough.
to marry Miss Chesbrough and didn't--
MRS. PACKARD: I didn't say it.
FELIX: I never said such a thing in all my life and whoever said
it got it out of whole cloth! FELIX: Pardon me, you did!

MRS. PACKARD: He denies it of course. MRS. PACKARD: I didn't say it, she did. (Turning to Enid.)

DIANA: He has to deny it. To admit it would be false. ENID: I didn't.

MRS. PACKARD: Whether it was true or false he would have to MRS. PACKARD: You did.
deny it.
ENID: I didn't.
DIANA: Why would he have to deny it?
DIANA: What does it matter how it happened! It's done! Done!
MRS. PACKARD: Because the ethics of a gentleman would Our friendship is over but--I won't go without leaving my
make him deny it in order to protect you-- memory here white and clean--I don't care what the world
believes but I want Enid to know I've never had a thought
DIANA: (Raging) So it doesn't matter whether it is true or not-- against her--and so I'm going to tell the truth even though I
nothing we can say or do can wipe out the miserable thoughts would rather have died than tell this before--
in your mind--
MRS. PACKARD: Ah, now we will hear something--
MRS. PACKARD: Not my mind! Everybody's mind! I have
nothing to do with it! FELIX: Diana, be careful--you are under no obligations to--

DIANA: Enid, can't you stand up and defend us? ENID: (To Felix) So you know what she is going to say?

MRS. PACKARD: Ah, you admit you must be defended. DIANA: No, he doesn't know. It is my secret. No one else has
known. There is only one man I love or ever have loved and
DIANA: The whole world has to be defended against women he's over there.
like you! If you were in my house I'd show you the door. Enid,
show her the door and prove that you trust Felix and me, that MRS. PACKARD: She's making it up, a likely story--
you know there isn't and never has been anything between us
but the most innocent friendship--you don't move, you don't DIANA: I'm not making it up! If you don't believe me I'll have
trust me-- to tell you his name--

ENID: I have always trusted you--I never had the slightest FELIX: No, no, Diana, it is not fair to demand that of you--
suspicion--but perhaps I have been blind--perhaps the world
has been able to see better from the distance and DIANA: They will not believe me--but I'll do anything for Enid--
understand-- she'll have to know. It is Aubrey Laurence.

FELIX: Are you going to take the world's word against ours? MRS. PACKARD: Aubrey Laurence! He wanted to marry you--
Are you going to believe a silly gossip and let one minute of
slander outweigh the love and loyalty you've had from Diana ENID: It's true he did--But Diana wouldn't--
and me for a lifetime--
MRS. PACKARD: Why wouldn't you?
MRS. PACKARD: Why don't you tell your wife you love her?
DIANA: Because I did.
FELIX: I love my wife but I do not see any reason to make a
public statement of it. I stated that publicly when I married FELIX and ENID: You married him?
her. She knows I love her--don't you--
DIANA: (Takes wedding-ring from chain about her neck) Yes! I
ENID: Do I? married him, the last day before he sailed--

DIANA: He adores you-- MRS. PACKARD: But your family didn't like him--

FELIX: Don't you know it-- DIANA: That's why I didn't tell them, but you can go now and
tell them yourself, Mrs. Packard.
ENID: But Diana is pretty and--
FELIX: Aubrey Laurence! Did you really, Diana?
DIANA: Felix! I leave this house--forever! Thanks to you, Mrs.
Packard, I have lost two friends who meant more to me than MRS. PACKARD: He hasn't any money.
even the world's opinion. I shall never see either of you again!
FELIX: But he's straight to the core! I'm awfully glad Diana!
FELIX: Diana, come back! It is too outrageous to allow such
contemptible gossip to break your friendship with Enid. ENID: So am I, Diana! Forgive me!

MRS. PACKARD: You see he does not want her to go-- DIANA: There's the door, Mrs. Packard, and the world outside
is waiting to hear the latest gossip!
DIANA: It would never be the same between Enid and me
again. MRS. PACKARD: I'll go, my dear, because I've offended you
and I know you are not ready to forgive me, but I promise not
FELIX: I do not want her to go because I do not want to have to breathe it to a soul--not to a soul--
an evil tongue like yours triumphant! If you had come into our
home and stolen our silver you would be less a thief than you [Exit up center in such a way that one knows she is excited
are now. New silver can be bought--but tarnished friendship and eager to tell it to everyone she meets.]
ENID: Diana, I'll never forgive you for not telling me you
married Aubrey. Why didn't you tell me that you married
Aubrey?

DIANA: But I didn't.

FELIX: You didn't?

ENID: But you said--

DIANA: Oh, what I said! It doesn't matter what I said--

ENID: But she'll tell everyone.

DIANA: Of course she will--

ENID: But if it's not true--

DIANA: It might be true--

ENID: But it's not--is it?

DIANA: I told you it wasn't--

ENID: But now I don't know whether to believe you or not--

DIANA: Nor will other people know whether to believe her or

FELIX: But when Aubrey hears of it--Diana--what will he think--

DIANA: He will wish that it were true--

FELIX: But what will he say about you--

DIANA: He will say that I wish it were true--

FELIX: And do you?

DIANA: I do!

ENID: Have you found out since he left that you really love
him--

DIANA: Madly--madly--madly--

FELIX: (Teasingly) Shall I cable him that?

DIANA: I have already.

ENID: You haven't!

DIANA: I have. I'm going to marry him by proxy.

FELIX: (Offering glass) Do have a cocktail on that.

ENID: But when we tell people you married him by proxy after
Mrs. Packard has told them you are married already, what will
people say?

DIANA: (Takes cocktail with a smile) What will people say? In

CURTAIN