Things to know about anger

Anger is a powerful emotion. It can be used either in productive or counter-productive

ways. It can lengthen or shorten our lives. It is like electricity . It can run large equipment
or it can electrocute you .
Here are more things to know about anger:
1. It is a powerful survival tool
2. It is a response to pain (physical or psychological)
3. It is a source of energy
4. It is a secondary emotion
5. When we are angry, the brain downshifts to a lower evolutionary level
6. Prolonged anger is unhealthy
7. Repressed anger is also unhealthy
Nature has developed the emotional state we call "anger" to help us stay alive. Anger
sends signals to all parts of our body to help us fight or flee. It energizes us to prepare
us for action. Many years ago we were threatened by wild animals who wanted to eat
us. Now we more often feel threatened by other human beings, either psychologically or
physically.
When we feel energized by anger, we might ask ourselves how we put this energy to
the most productive use. As with the use of other forms of energy such as electricity or
oil, we might want to use it efficiently, not wastefully.

Primary vs. Secondary Feelings

Perhaps the most helpful thing to remember about anger is that it is a secondary
emotion. A primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel angry. We always
feel something else first before we get angry.
We might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, or
pressured. If any of these feelings are intense enough, we think of the emotion as
anger.

Generally speaking, secondary feelings do not identify the unmet emotional need
(UEN). When all I can say is "I feel angry," neither I nor any one else knows what would
help me feel better. A helpful technique, then, is to always identify the primary emotion.

Here is an example. Assume someone wants us to do something we prefer not to do. At

first we feel a little pressured, but not enough to get angry. When they keep pushing us,
we begin to get irritated. If they continue, we get "angry". Such anger damages
relationships. One suggestion on how to avoid getting angry in this case would be to
express your initial feeling by saying "I feel pressured" before the feeling has escalated
to the point of destructive anger. If the person respects your feelings and does not
invalidate or ignore them, they may stop their pressure. Even if they do not, I believe it
is helpful to know what the specific feeling is. Knowing exactly how we feel with others
and why helps us in several ways. First it raises our self-awareness in general. Second,
it helps us communicate more precisely. Third, it helps us learn more quickly who
respects our feelings and who we want to spend time with.
Anger as a Response to Fear

One of the primitive functions of an animal's response

to fear is to frighten away the attacker. But in modern
human life, we often frighten away those who we need
and care about most. Besides this, prolonged anger has clear health
consequences. According to Dr. Herbert Benson, these include heart attacks, hardening
of the arteries, strokes, hypertension, high blood pressure, heart rate changes and
metabolism, muscle and respiratory problems. (The Relaxation Response, 1975)
Responding To and Learning From Anger
Anger is an intense emotion. It is evidence that we feel strongly about something. As
with every emotion, it has a lesson for us. It can teach us
what we value,
what we need,
what we lack,
what we believe
and

what our insecurities are.

It can help us become more aware of what we feel strongly about and which emotional
needs are important to us.
One way to learn from anger is shown in the example below:
Instead of saying,
She never should have done that. I can't believe how irresponsible, insensitive and
inconsiderate she is. What a cold- hearted, evil witch she is.
a more productive response is:

I am really upset by this. Why does it bother me so much?

What specifically am I feeling?
What are my primary feelings?
What need do I have that is not being met?
What principles of mine have been violated?
From the answers to these questions, we can decide what course of action to take in
view of what our goals are. Simply being aware that we have multiple options and that
we can decide to pick the best one helps soothe the anger. It may help, for instance, to
ask if we really want to frighten away the person we are angry at. As soon as we
"upshift" and begin to think about our options and their consequences, and make
appropriate plans, we start to feel more in control and less

threatened. We get out of the automatic stimulus-response mode and realize that
we have choices.
There is a quote which goes like this : ( Excitation pause Relaxation )

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies

our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies
our growth and freedom. - Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning (bookstore)

It may be helpful for us to try to widen this space during our lives. In fact this may be
one sign of wisdom and maturity. It may also give us an increased sense of control over
our feelings and reactions.

Simply remembering that we have a choice helps us feel more in control. I have found it
helpful, for example, to identify when I am feeling provoked. Once I realize this I feel
more in control of my response. Not surprisingly, studies

show that
people feel better and are healthier when they have a
sense of control over their lives. This is where the balance between
upper brain and lower brain comes in.

Part of developing our emotional intelligence is learning to

channel our anger in productive ways to help us achieve our
goals rather than to sabotage them.
Keeping our goals clearly in mind at all times helps us accomplish
this.
Here are some suggestions for responding to your anger:
1. Ask what you are afraid of.
2. Ask what feelings preceded the anger.
3. Ask what other feelings you are feeling.
4. Ask what you are trying to control.
5. Ask what you can control.
6. Consider your options.
7. Choose the one which will bring you the most long term happiness.
Finally, here is a technique I sometimes use to help me cope with "anger" (if I haven't
already "downshifted" to a purely reactive animal instinct state). When I catch myself
starting to say "I feel angry" or "I am starting to get really pissed off," I say instead, "I
feel really energized." Then I ask myself how I want to channel my energy to its best
use. It is a simple little technique, but sometimes it has made a big difference in how I
feel and how I respond
Primary and secondary emotions

Some authors use the terms primary and secondary emotions. This distinction is very
helpful. A primary emotion is what we feel first. The secondary emotion is what it leads
to .

Anger is a good example of a secondary emotion. As discussed in the section on anger

there are many possible primary emotions which, when they are intense enough, can
lead to anger. We might feel insulted, pressured, cheated, etc. If these feelings are at a
low level we are not likely to say we feel angry. But if they are intense, we commonly
say we feel "angry."
Depression is another example of a secondary emotion. Or we might call it a "catch-all"
term. Depression can include feeling discouraged, hopeless, lonely, isolated,
misunderstood, overwhelmed, attacked, invalidated, unsupported, etc.
Normally it includes several feelings. These more specific feelings are what we call the
primary emotions.
Secondary, "catch-all" terms like anger and depression do not help us much when it
comes to identifying our unmet emotional needs (UEN's). When all I can say is "I feel
angry," neither I nor any one else knows what would help me feel better. But if I say I
feel pressured or trapped or disrespected, it is much more clear what my UEN is and
what would help me feel better. A simple, but effective technique, then, is to identify the
primary emotion.

Managing Negative Emotions

General Guidelines
Here are few general guidelines for managing negative emotions. .
First, identify the feeling. Next, ask if is a healthy feeling. Then list your options and
chose the one which is most likely to lead to your long-term happiness.
After asking these first two questions, the next step is to ask what would help you feel
better. Try to focus on answers which are in your control, since it would be easy, but not
too helpful, to think of things ways others could change so you would feel better.

Another question is to ask how you want to feel. This helps you direct your thoughts in a
positive direction.

To summarize, here are some helpful questions:

How am I feeling?

Is it a healthy feeling?

How do I want to feel?

What would help me feel better (that I can control)?

Anger Management / Feeling Destructive in Germany - A personal story

Anger Management - A true story

I once went to Germany to visit a female for what I thought would be a romantic
vacation. When I got there she met me at the train station with her ex-boyfriend. I
asked why he was there and she said they had just reunited and she wasn't going
with me to Paris for Christmas and New Years as we had planned. I remember laying
in bed that night. I picked up a small souvenir glass that I had brought for her
mother's collection. I remember thinking that I wanted to smash it against the wall. I
asked myself what I was feeling as I stared at the glass clenched in my hand. The
word that came to mind was "destructive." I said to myself, "that is not a healthy
feeling." I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and put the glass down.

See also the sections on the specific emotions of fear, guilt, etc. listed in the Table of
Contents on this page

Expressing Negative Feelings

Here are a few suggestions for communicating your negative feelings:

Don't be dramatic.

Don't wait till things build up.

Be brief.

Don't blame or lay guilt trips.

Talk about how you feel.

Ask how the other person feels.

Offer a way to save face. (For example, "Perhaps I misunderstood you," or "I
know your intentions were good.")

Disappointment
(I am re-writing this section but here are some notes....)
There seem to be at least two ways the word "disappointment" is used. For example,
one day at a friend's I opened a CD case expecting to find the CD inside, but the case
was empty. I felt a combination of sadness and surprise, which fits with some academic
definitions of disappointment. But I did not feel judgmental or disapproving, as a parent
might feel when their child comes gets suspended from school. The parent might, for
example, say "I can't believe you got suspended! What is wrong with you??" In this case
we might say disappointment is a combination of disapproval and disbelief.

I find it helpful to look at disappointment as something we do to ourselves. I say this

because it seems to arise out of our own expectations or demands about how we think
the world should be or how we think people should act.

In other words, I look at "disappointment" as an

inaccurate view of reality. Looking at it this way could
help us accept that we didn't really understand things
as well as we thought I did and that our expectations
were unrealistic.

By looking at it this way it is easier for us to take responsibililty for it and thus to reduce
the negative feelings which usually accompany it. It also helps us avoid laying guilt trips
on others as I explain below.
Instead of using the word "disappointed," I sometimes try to substitute the word
"disillusioned." This helps remind me that I had created an illusion in my own mind
about. Calling something an illusion suggests that my interpretation of reality was
inaccurate. So when things don't go the way I expected or wanted them to go, it seems
to help if I take the perspective that I created a false image of reality in my mind and I
need to quickly adjust myself to actual reality. The sooner I do this the faster I get over
the negative feeling of what I used to call disappointment.
Many people use the expression of disappointment as a way of laying a guilt trip on
someone else.
Consider the parent who tells the child "I am utterly disappointed in you," or, "you really
disappointed me." Think for a moment how you feel when someone says such things to
you. You might feel guilty, blamed, inadequate, unworthy, ashamed.
A woman once said she felt devastated when her father said to her "You have utterly
disappointed us."
Is this how we want our children to feel?
The father who feels disappointed does not stop to consider that it was the father
himself who did not know his child as well as he thought. Turning it into an opportunity

to lecture the child will hurt the child's self-esteem by causing him to feel "failful." The
parent who uses disappointment to lay guilt trips doesn't consider the long term damage
to the child's self-esteem. The parent is simply using guilt as an expedient way to
emotionally manipulate the child as a form of control.1 Disappointment in another
person is basically a form of rejection and disapproval. It can be powerful in its toxic
affect on the self-esteem.
Another problem with telling someone you feel disappointed in them is that it
encourages them to avoid sharing things truthfully with us. It helps others feel judged as
well as disapproved of.
Note that it is usually the person in power who creates the expectations. They are
the ones who say "I am disappointed."

I noticed this in Australia when the governmetn people said they were "disappointed"
that the aboriginals put up metal structure on the land where they have created the
Aboriginal Tent Embasssy. The Australian police soon came and tore it down.See also How Parents Create Their Own Disappointment
Bitterness
A more intense form of disappointment is sometimes bitterness, which tells us that not
only did we expect something, but we started to count on it or depend on it.
A healthier reaction would be to let the feeling provide an opportunity to get to know the
other person or the child better. By showing sincere curiosity and a desire for knowledge
instead of disappointment, we open the door to understanding and bonding. In other
words, we might say to ourselves, "Hmm, I expected x to happen, in fact I really wanted
x to happen. I was even counting on it. I am sad, or hurt or frustrated that it didn't
happen. I wonder why it didn't happen. What can I learn from this?" Such curiosity
opens the door to seeking knowledge and helps get our thinking back in line with reality.
In other words, situations where we initially feel disappointed can lead to wisdom if we
allow ourselves to learn. In the case of the parent and child, the parent might learn
about the circumstances surrounding the child's life, and the way the child makes
decisions based on his or her values, beliefs, and needs. The same idea applies to
friends or romantic partners.
Here is an example of how a mother might react when she initially starts to feel
"disappointed"

"Jessica, I feel sad and confused about what you did. Can you help me understand? "

The mother might also ask: "How were you feeling when you
did so and so?" or "How do you feel about it now?"
These questions, if asked without causing the child to feel interrogated or afraid, is
much healthier than an expression of "disappointment."

How Parents Create Their Own Disappointment

Here is something from a Christian parenting website in America. This sets up the
parents to be "disappointed." It is likely that if their children or teens do not do as the
parents "expect" them to, the parents will further worsen the situation by expresing
disappointment instead of trying to understand the relattionship between their child or
teen's unmet emotional needs and their behavior.
Courtesy and respect for one another are expected: no shouting, no violence, and no
insults.How Needs and Expectations Lead to Disappointment

Discouragement, Hopelessness
When you are feeling discouraged and hopeless, you could look at it as a sign that you
need to find some source (or create one within yourself) of encouragement and hope.
Maybe a technique would be helpful, like making a list of some things which are
encouraging. Or forcing yourself to find just one encouraging thing amid your present
feelings of discouragement. Maybe just find some uplifting books or articles or read a
story on what someone is doing somewhere to help people. There is a huge selection of
inspirational books and tapes. Some of them have helped me both during an immediate
down period in my life and also in a longer term sense because I have the memory of
some things they said which helped.

Another option is to seek out some optimistic, but validating people. Perhaps just tell a
friend who knows you well that you are feeling discouraged and hopeful. Perhaps they
will remind you of some encouraging truths.
I remember a few times I was feeling discouraged and I was able to remember some
encouraging things. And it helps me to know that I have felt extremely discouraged and
hopeless, even suicidal, but I have recovered from those feelings. And I believe those
feelings helped me focus on what was truly important to me.
Besides telling someone, it may help to write down that you are feeling hopeless, or to
yell or cry it out. The reason it may help is because your emotional brain center, your
amygdala, is sending you a message. Let it know that you have received it. I am not
sure how the process works but it seems that once the message is fully accepted,
validated and understood, it can be integrated by survival forces of the brain which go to
work on solving the problem.

Once you have completely accepted that you feel hopeless, you may want to rest. I find
resting often helps me and I feel refreshed after I have had enough rest or sleep. After a
rest you might be able to take action to feel more hopeful. You can search for inspiring
websites, books, tapes etc. You can actively think of people who you admire, who are
contributing to the world in the way you believe is needed.
Hope seems to be some type of survival instinct. And the survival instinct may be a
source of hope if you remind yourself that it is our instinct to move in a life promoting
direction. It might help to think of this: As long as there is one male and one female alive
on earth, there is hope for the human species.

Feeling Destructive
The amygdala is capable of initiating a sequences of chemical reactions which create
extreme energy. Some people's brains, for whatever reasons, create these intense
chemical reactions extremely quickly. In a life or death situation, this could prove to
make the critical difference. But we are not often in life and death situations anymore.
Yet we still sometimes feel the same urges, such as the urge to completely destroy our
attacker.
The challenge is how to use the energy in a constructive way. When I have felt
destructive in the past it has proved helpful to ask: What do I really want to destroy? A
person? A relationship? Myself? Asking these questions helps me realize that I don't
want to hurt others or myself. Nor do I want to damage relationships, even though they

may be bringing me pain at that moment. But what I do want to destroy are the
dysfunctional systems which perpetuate the hurting and killing which have been going
on for centuries. I want to prove that there is a better way. I want to show the world that
there are more options than repeating the mistakes of the past. I try to focus my energy
in this kind of positive direction. This takes practice, especially when one comes from a
dysfunctional family, but I believe we can all make improvements in how we handle our
destructive urges by refocussing our energy into more productive outlets.
If you have so much energy that you really have to release it in a physical way, try
finding something like a cardboard box or an empty cereal box. If you often experience
strong destructive feelings, in fact, keep a supply of boxes handy! After you have
released your energy physically, chances are your mind will guide you to what is
important to think about, as the emotional intelligence model suggests.

Belief domains that contribute[edit]

Through an extensive literature review, Roy J. Eidelson and Judy I. Eidelson, identified parallels
between individuals and the collective world views of groups on the basis of five key belief
domains.[12]
Superiority : Green
At an individual level, this belief revolves around a person's enduring conviction that he or she is
better than other people in important ways. At the group level, superiority includes shared
convictions of moral superiority, entitlement, being the chosen and having a special destiny.[12]
Being chosen, the belief that one's own group has a superior cultural heritage (e.g., history,
values, language, tradition) is common among groups who base their identity on their ethnicity.
The development of Hitler's ideology of Aryans as a "master" race is one example of this belief.
[13]
This belief can be unconscious, with group members unaware "The power and influence of
such a worldview are directly related to its operation as an invisible veil, which makes it difficult
for individuals, groups, and institutions to see their harmful consequences".[14] These authors
noted that several committees studying racism were using the term ethnocentric monoculturalism
to describe this belief in the superiority of your own group's cultural heritage (including history,
values, language, traditions, arts and crafts, etc.) over that of other groups. As part of this belief
system they also noted a corresponding belief in the inferiority of all other group's heritage, the
ability to impose their standards and beliefs on less powerful groups, evidence of the group's
core beliefs and values in their practices, programs and policies as well as in the institutions and

structures of the group's society, and that they were able to operate outside the level of conscious
awareness.[15]
Injustice : Green
At the individual level, this belief revolves around perceived mistreatment by others, and/or the
world at large. At the group level, this translates to a world view that the ingroup has significant
and legitimate grievances against an outgroup.[12] This belief is seen as contributing greatly to the
impetus for war over the past two centuries, as the majority of wars in that time period have
centered on issues of justice rather than security or power (Welch, 1993). Injustice, in a group
setting, can be based on the shared belief that their group has not achieved desired outcomes due
to the actions or inactions of a more powerful group that has created a biased or undesirable
outcome, and not due to the inadequacies or actions of the group itself.[16] Volkan termed the
phrase Chosen Traumas to refer to the "mental representation of an event that has caused a large
group to face drastic losses, feel helpless and victimized by another group"[17] that are distorted to
perpetuate the injustice belief.

Vulnerability : Yellow
At the individual level, vulnerability refers to a person's belief that he or she is perpetually in
harm's way. At the group level, this belief is manifested in the form of fears about the future.
This vulnerability can manifest itself in a group as catastrophic thinking when the envisioned
worst-case scenario is seen as being inevitable.[12] Chirot (2001) notes that the genocides of
Armenia, Germany, Cambodia, and Rwanda shared a common belief that "if they did not destroy
their real or imagined enemies first, they would themselves be annihilated" (p. 10).

Distrust: Blue
At the individual level, this belief focuses on the presumed intent of others to cause harm and/or
exhibit hostility. The notion of trust is often seen by psychologists as the first challenge of
psychosocial development.[18] At the group level, this worldview focuses specifically on the
perspective that outgroups are dishonest, untrustworthy and have negative intentions toward the
in group. In more extreme manifestations, this belief is similar to collective paranoia, which is
defined as collectively held beliefs, either false or exaggerated that cluster around ideas of being

harmed, harassed, threatened, or otherwise disparaged by malevolent outgroups[19] Even when no

such hostility exists, this distrust belief can cause group members to see any behavior by the
other as hostile and malevolent.[12]

Helplessness: Red
At the individual level, helplessness focuses on the belief that even carefully planned and
executed actions will fail to produce the desired outcome. When taken at the group level, it
translates into a collective mindset of powerlessness and dependency. The group shares a
pessimistic approach which focuses on their own weaknesses, and attributes setbacks to their
own limitations.[12] Helplessness, when it exists as a shared belief within a group, serves as a
constraint on organized political movement, as those who participate in a social movement must
see themselves as capable of righting the wrongs they perceive.[20]

Dual concern model[edit]

The dual concern model of conflict resolution is a conceptual perspective that assumes
individuals preferred method of dealing with conflict is based on two underlying themes or
dimensions: concern for self (assertiveness) and concern for others (empathy).[1]
According to the model, group members balance their concern for satisfying personal needs and
interests with their concern for satisfying the needs and interests of others in different ways. The
intersection of these two dimensions ultimately leads individuals towards exhibiting different
styles of conflict resolution.[5] The dual model identifies five conflict resolution styles/strategies
that individuals may use depending on their dispositions toward pro-self or pro-social goals.
Avoidance conflict style
Characterized by joking, changing or avoiding the topic, or even denying that a problem
exists, the conflict avoidance style is used when an individual has no interest in dealing
with the other party, when one is uncomfortable with conflict, or due to cultural contexts.
[nb 1]
During conflict, these avoiders adopt a wait and see attitude, often allowing conflict
to phase out on its own without any personal involvement.[6] By neglecting to address
high-conflict situations, avoiders risk allowing problems to fester out of control.
Yielding conflict style

In contrast, yielding or accommodating conflict styles are characterized by a high level

of concern for others and a low level of concern for oneself. This passive pro-social
approach emerges when individuals derive personal satisfaction from meeting the needs
of others and have a general concern for maintaining stable, positive social relationships.
[1]
When faced with conflict, individuals with a yielding conflict style tend to give into
others demands out of respect for the social relationship.[citation needed]
Competitive conflict style
The competitive or fighting conflict style maximizes individual assertiveness (i.e.,
concern for self) and minimizes empathy (i.e., concern for others). Groups consisting of
competitive members generally enjoy seeking domination over others, and typically see
conflict as a win or lose predicament.[1] Fighters tend to force others to accept their
personal views by employing competitive power tactics (arguments, insults, accusations,
violence, etc.) that foster feelings of intimidation (Morrill, 1995).[full citation needed]
Cooperation conflict style
Characterized by an active concern for both pro-social and pro-self behavior, the
cooperation conflict style is typically used when an individual has elevated interests in
their own outcomes as well as in the outcomes of others. During conflict, cooperators
collaborate with others in an effort to find an amicable solution that satisfies all parties
involved in the conflict. Individuals using this type of conflict style tend to be both highly
assertive and highly empathetic.[6] By seeing conflict as a creative opportunity,
collaborators willingly invest time and resources into finding a win-win solution.[1]

According to the literature on conflict resolution, a cooperative conflict resolution style is

recommended above all others.[7][8]

Conciliation conflict style

The conciliation or compromising conflict style is typical of individuals who possess
an intermediate level of concern for both personal and others outcomes. Compromisers
value fairness and, in doing so, anticipate mutual give-and-take interactions.[6] By

accepting some demands put forth by others, compromisers believe this agreeableness
will encourage others to meet them halfway, thus promoting conflict resolution.[9] This
conflict style can be considered an extension of both yielding and cooperative
strategies.[1]