Family Guy - White People Drink Juice
Family Guy - White People Drink Juice
Copyright 2015
ACT ONE
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
QUAGMIRE is seated at a poker table with MATT DAMON, PHIL
IVEY and a POKER DEALER. We see a booth with the TV
announcer/commentators LON McEACHAERN and NORMAN CHAD.
LON MCEACHERN
We're back at the World Series of
Poker, here at the Quahog Casino,
Hotel, and Ostrich Farm.
NORM CHAD
This place holds the distinction of
being the world's only indoor ostrich
farm, as well as the location used in
the 1987 blaxploitation film, I'm
Gonna Kill Yo Ass in a Casino.
INT. CASINO (SLOT MACHINES) - DAY
A BLACK MAN (30) is playing a slot machine. Right behind him,
an ostrich lays an egg, and a farmer in overalls walks over
and collects the egg. The Black Man collects his winning from
his machine and gets up. He sees BLACK MAN 2 (30).
BLACK MAN
Yo, man. I'm gonna kill yo ass in a
casino.
He attacks Black Man 2.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
The dealer is shuffling the deck.
(CONTINUED)
2.
CONTINUED:
3.
CONTINUED:
PETER (CONTD)
Ah ha ha ha! Moe just slapped Curly!
(SHOWS HIS PHONE TO CLEVELAND) Look,
Cleveland! Look! I think he's about to
slap him again.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)
Glenn Quagmire has really made a name
for himself throughout this
tournament, thanks to a brilliant
combination of audacious bluffs and
sexual harassment.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY (FLASHBACK SCENE)
Quagmire is seated at a table with seven other PLAYERS, all
of whom have already folded, except for a busty FEMALE PLAYER
who puts some chips into the pot. Glenn puts in an equal
amount of chips.
QUAGMIRE
I call. I have three of a kind. And
you have a large pair. A large pair of
breasts.
She flips over her hand.
FEMALE PLAYER
I have a full house.
QUAGMIRE
You have a full blouse.
FEMALE PLAYER
I'm done playing with you!
She shoves all her chips towards Quagmire's stack.
(CONTINUED)
4.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
5.
CONTINUED:
6.
(CONTINUED)
7.
CONTINUED:
JERRY SEINFELD (CONT'D)
(CONTINUED)
8.
CONTINUED:
BRIAN
No. It asks the important questions -like, "What does it really mean to be
a human being? Or a dog."
STEWIE
Let me just ask you this. What's the
deal with your novel, Brian?
BRIAN
The deal with it is "kiss my ass."
STEWIE
I mean, instead of writing mindless
drivel, why don't you try doing what
Jerry Seinfeld does?
BRIAN
Jerry Seinfeld writes the most
mindless drivel of all!
STEWIE
It is not mindless drivel! I will not
stand for you to sully the image of
Mr. Seinfeld! How dare you! I mean,
I'd like to see you come up with an
insightful, witty observation like,
"What's so French about French toast?"
BRIAN
I'd like to see you come up with
observations like that.
(CONTINUED)
9.
CONTINUED: (2)
STEWIE
Well. I'd like to see that as well.
... Oh my goodness, Brian! I just
realized what I want to do with my
life. I want to be a stand up
comedian!
BRIAN
Great. Great. I think you should.
STEWIE
Really?
BRIAN
Absolutely. Because I'm gonna piss all
over your comedy the way you've pissed
all over my novel.
STEWIE
Piss. That's a funny word. Maybe I can
use that in my act. Piss. Piss. Or how
about mango? That sounds funny, too.
Mango. Mango. Mango.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - DAY
Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are seated at a table
with $15 million cash and a deck of cards.
JOE
How the hell did you outplay Phil
Ivey?
QUAGMIRE
He has a tell. Every time he gets a
good hand, I get an erection. Alright.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
10.
CONTINUED:
QUAGMIRE (CONT'D)
(CONTINUED)
11.
CONTINUED: (2)
JOE
Peter. Let's focus here. You just had
one of the winningest poker sessions
ever.
PETER
Well. You did OK, too. You won my
wife.
LOIS is sitting next to Joe.
LOIS
Peter. He didn't win me. I'm not a
poker chip.
PETER
Lois -- I think I'm a good enough
poker player to tell the difference
between a poker chip and a non poker
chip. I mean, I've won over $15
million.
LOIS
Because for most of the game, I sat
next to you and told you what to do,
and you won $15 million. And then you
bet me.
PETER
Honey -- you're forgetting one thing.
JOE
Hey. Don't call her honey. She's my
wife now -- remember?
(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED: (3)
PETER
Oh. Right. (TO BONNIE) Honey -- you're
forgetting one thing.
BONNIE
Don't call me honey, Peter.
PETER
Joe -- your ex-wife is a real piece of
work.
END OF ACT ONE
13.
ACT TWO
INT. COMEDY CLUB - DAY
A stereotypical BLACK COMEDIAN is performing for a small
AUDIENCE. Brian and Stewie walk in and make their way to a
table.
BLACK COMEDIAN
...Ain't no grapes or nuts in that
box. So why's is the cereal called
Grape Nuts?
Stewie and Brian sit at a table in the back.
BLACK COMEDIAN (CONTD)
(TO AUDIENCE) Knock knock.
AUDIENCE
Who's there?
BLACK COMEDIAN
Interrupting otter.
AUDIENCE
Interrupting otter wh...
The Black Comedian makes otter noises.
STEWIE
(AMUSED) (TO BRIAN) He interrupted us
by making otter noises.
BRIAN
Yes. I heard.
A WAITRESS walks by their table.
(CONTINUED)
14.
CONTINUED:
STEWIE
(TO WAITRESS) Excuse me. Can you get
me a scotch and orange juice, shaken,
not stirred, in a Spongebob sippy cup,
yellow, not orange?
BLACK COMEDIAN
(MAKES OTTER NOISES FOR A FEW MORE
SECONDS) You ever get in a cab, and
you read the driver's name, and it's a
foreign name, and it's got, like, one
of those O's with a happy face drawn
in it? And you ask him how to
pronounce the O happy face, and he's
all like, (IN ARABIC ACCENT)
"eklikhikhligillekhleh."
STEWIE
Ha ha ha! Yes! Because the cab driver
is a foreigner!
BLACK COMEDIAN
(TO AUDIENCE) ... And let me just say
this. White people drink juice.
Stewie is drinking from a yellow Spongebob sippy cup.
STEWIE
(TO BRIAN) That's true. I'm drinking
juice right now.
(CONTINUED)
15.
CONTINUED: (2)
BLACK COMEDIAN
(TO AUDIENCE) But black people -- we
don't be drinking no juice.
Stewie is taking notes. In his notebook, we can see what he
wrote: "White people drink juice. Black people DON'T drink
juice."
BRIAN
You're taking notes?
STEWIE
Stand up comedy is my passion, Brian!
BLACK COMEDIAN
(TO AUDIENCE) 'Cause if you're black,
you don't drink juice. But if your
skin is white, you got a fridge is
like a damn Tropicana factory. And
white people -- white people are all
like, (OVER-THE-TOP, STEREOTYPICAL
WHITE VOICE) "Honey -- can you pour me
a glass of juice? Obama is a black son
of a bitch." (BACK TO NORMAL VOICE)
But black folks, we're all like, "I
don't even know what juice is."
Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people think Obama is a
black son of a bitch."
BRIAN
(TO STEWIE) Can we go now?
STEWIE
Brian -- don't interrupt me while I'm
working.
(CONTINUED)
16.
CONTINUED: (3)
BLACK COMEDIAN
And let me tell y'all one more thing.
White people... like to drink juice.
But black people -- we don't be
drinking no damn juice.
Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people and black people
have fundamentally different lifestyles -- especially when it
comes to juice."
INT. GRIFFIN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Peter and Lois are sitting on the sofa watching TV. Peter is
wearing a tuxedo and eating out of a can. MEG enters.
MEG
Mom -- why is dad wearing a tuxedo and
eating out of a can?
LOIS
Well, honey. It's because we're
millionaires. We won $15 million today
playing poker.
PETER
Yeah. When I was a hundredaire, I wore
shirts and ate Chef Boyardee Ravioli.
But now that I'm a millionaire, I wear
tuxedos and eat Chef Boyardee
Beefaroni.
CHRIS enters from the kitchen and looks at Peter.
CHRIS
Whoa! Are we millionaires?!
(CONTINUED)
17.
CONTINUED:
MEG
You could tell that just by seeing dad
eat Beefaroni in a tuxedo?
CHRIS
Yeah. And also, I saw $15 million in
cash lying on our kitchen table.
Peter is now using the mustache comb on his teeth.
PETER
I didn't just win that money. I also
won this "black man's toothpick."
LOIS
Damn it, Peter. That's a mustache
comb.
PETER
If you're a hundredaire, it's a
mustache comb. If you're a
millionaire, it's a black man's
toothpick.
MEG
Wow! I can't believe we have $15
million. Are we gonna buy a Bentley,
and move to Beverly Hills?
LOIS
Well. To be honest, I'm not sure what
we're gonna do now that we're
millionaires. Well.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
18.
CONTINUED: (2)
LOIS (CONT'D)
(CONTINUED)
19.
CONTINUED: (3)
20.
CONTINUED: (4)
LOIS (CONT'D)
21.
CONTINUED:
BRIAN
You're gonna be a redneck comedian?
STEWIE
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) You better
believe it, buddy. I drive a pick up
truck, and I have sex with my cousin.
He takes some tobacco out of his pocket, chews it, and spits.
He then spits out the tobacco.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Ugh. Forget the redneck idea.
BRIAN
How about you forget the comedy idea?
STEWIE
I know! I'll be a Cuban guy. Like that
Tony Montana character the cool kids
are so fond of. (IN CUBAN ACCENT) I'm
Stewie Montana. And I don't drive a
pickup truck or have sex with my
cousin. What's the deal with GrapeNuts, man?
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
A SECURITY GUARD opens the door to reveal Lois, and Peter
rolling a wheelbarrow full of hundred dollar bills. Matt
Damon is standing behind the Security Guard.
MATT DAMON
Peter. Lois. Come on in. Let me
introduce you to the guys. The best
celebrity poker players in the world.
(CONTINUED)
22.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
23.
CONTINUED: (2)
(CONTINUED)
24.
CONTINUED: (3)
(CONTINUED)
25.
CONTINUED: (4)
SPONGEBOB
Hey. We don't make the rules here,
buddy. If them's poker rules, them's
poker rules.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Yeah. The last time this happened,
Matt Damon fought and killed Ben
Affleck.
LOIS
But Ben Affleck is still alive.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
No he isn't. He was replaced by a
lookalike named Ed Smith.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK SCENE)
ED SMITH (a Ben Affleck lookalike) is with JENNIFER GARNER,
and talking to a MAITRE' D.
ED SMITH
Reservation for Ed Smith -- I mean,
um, Ben Outback.
JENNIFER GARNER
Ben Affleck.
ED SMITH
Whatever. When are we gonna have sex,
Jessica Garvey?
JENNIFER GARNER
I'm Jennifer Garner. That's the 973rd
time you've gotten my name wrong. I
want a divorce.
(CONTINUED)
26.
CONTINUED:
ED SMITH
Whatever, Genevieve Carson.
INT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY
Stewie is performing for a bunch of other BABIES.
STEWIE
And let me tell you something about
breakfast. Not only is it the most
important meal of the day -- it's also
the most confusing meal of the day.
A Baby laughs, and then says to Stewie:
BABY
How so?
STEWIE
Like, you open a cereal box that says
Grape-Nuts. And the next thing you
know, you're eating a bowl of wheat
and barley.
A Black Baby laughs.
BLACK BABY
Damn straight. Ain't no grapes or nuts
in that bowl.
STEWIE
And how come eggs turn toast into
French toast? Does that work with
other stuff? I mean, do eggs turn
Hilary Clinton's vagina into Hilary
Clinton's French vagina?
(CONTINUED)
27.
CONTINUED:
BABY 2
Why Hilary Clinton?
STEWIE
It's a political joke. And what's the
deal with juice? Listen. Juice. Juice.
Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice.
Juice.
BLACK BABY
(LAUGHS) I don't know what juice means
-- but it is a funny word.
STEWIE
Mango juice.
Everyone laughs.
EXT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY
Brian and Stewie are standing outside of the day care center.
STEWIE
Alright. That was a good set.
BRIAN
You freaking ripped off Jerry Seinfeld
and that other comedian.
STEWIE
What are you talking about? Seinfeld
is Jewish, and that other guy is
black. I'm neither of those things.
Plus, my jokes are way different.
(CONTINUED)
28.
CONTINUED:
BRIAN
How are they different? Because now
the French vagina is Hilary Clinton's?
STEWIE
Well. Among other things. Also,
remember that whole thing about the
mango juice?
BRIAN
You mean how you said mango juice, and
then moved onto the next joke, which
was you saying papaya juice?
STEWIE
Yeah. Anyways, we got to get going. I
booked another gig.
BRIAN
Gig? Did that last performance even
count as a gig?
STEWIE
Sure it did. I performed, and I got
paid.
BRIAN
What did they pay you?
STEWIE
Well. Mainly apple juice. Which, by
the way, doesn't sound as funny as
mango juice or papaya juice. Listen,
Brian.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
29.
CONTINUED: (2)
STEWIE (CONT'D)
30.
ACT THREE
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are knitting sweaters.
The doorbell rings, and Quagmire opens it to reveal Peter and
Lois.
PETER
Hey, Quagmire. We just dropped by to
return this pepper shaker we won
during the poker game at your house.
QUAGMIRE
You didn't win that pepper shaker.
PETER
Well. I might've stolen it, after you
made that remark about how Rutherford
B. Hayes was a mediocre president.
Which is ridiculous, by the way!
Rutherford B. Hayes was a slightly
better than average president!
Slightly better than average!
QUAGMIRE
Fine. OK. I know how sensitive you get
when it comes to politicians you know
absolutely nothing about.
PETER
Yeah. Well. Just make sure you don't
say nothing bad about Dennis Kucinich.
Otherwise, I'll kick your ass.
(CONTINUED)
31.
CONTINUED:
QUAGMIRE
Alright. Do you guys want to come in?
PETER
Sure.
They walk in.
CLEVELAND
So. What happened at Matt Damon's
room? Word on the street is you played
in a high stakes game, and bought in
for 15 million.
LOIS
Word on the street?
CLEVELAND
Yeah. You know. Like, that's the news
I heard from people.
LOIS
What people?
CLEVELAND
Well. Joe and Quagmire. Word on the
street. Spooner Street. So what
happened in Matt Damon's room?
PETER
Bill Clinton sexually harassed an
ostrich.
JOE
What about the poker game?
(CONTINUED)
32.
CONTINUED: (2)
PETER
Well. I turned the $15 million into
$150 million. And then me and Matt
Damon both had Jacks full of fives in
a $300 million pot. So I killed him.
You're not gonna arrest me, are you?
JOE
Of course not. I mean, you both had
Jacks full of five. You had to kill
him.
CLEVELAND
Yeah. Them's poker rules.
QUAGMIRE
(TO PETER) So you won $300 million?
PETER
Even better. I took the money to the
casino, and bet it all on red 36.
JOE
Do you mean to tell me you turned your
$300 million into...
He types on his iPhone.
JOE (CONTD)
...$10.5 billion?
PETER
No. I lost. But I had a really good
time watching that ball spin round and
round.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
33.
CONTINUED: (3)
PETER (CONT'D)
(CONTINUED)
34.
CONTINUED:
PETER (CONTD)
Then he's Quaid.
QUAGMIRE
We're both the real Quagmire. I was
there earlier today. The Tonight Show
is filmed five hours before it airs.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
So Glenn. You won the World Series of
Poker. That is so awesome!
QUAGMIRE
Yeah. It's pretty awesome.
JIMMY FALLON
And you're also a sex addict. That's
awesome!
QUAGMIRE
I guess so.
Jimmy Fallon laughs and claps for a few second, and then he
punches Quagmire in the face.
JIMMY FALLON
My next guests were both thought to be
dead -- but it turns out that they're
not. Give it up for Elvis Presley and
Tupac Shakur.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
Peter changes the channel.
(ON TV) INT. JIMMY FALLON LIVE SET - NIGHT
Jimmy Fallon is seated at his desk.
(CONTINUED)
35.
CONTINUED:
JIMMY FALLON
Welcome back to Jimmy Fallon Live -the show where I, Jimmy Fallon,
broadcast live, and go head to head
with The Tonight Show starring Jimmy
Fallon -- the show where I, Jimmy
Fallon broadcast on a five hour delay,
and go head to head with this show,
Jimmy Fallon Live. No matter which
show people watch, Jimmy Fallon wins!
OK. My next guest is a movie star who
finished third in the World Series of
Poker. Give it up for Matt Damon.
An ostrich walks out to the stage, gives Jimmy Fallon a
handshake and hug, and then sits down.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
PETER
There's the replacement we found for
Matt Damon.
QUAGMIRE
Peter -- that's an ostrich.
PETER
Yeah -- but he's a really crappy
actor, just like Matt Damon.
36.
37.
CONTINUED:
PETER
Wait. If that's the ostrich... (TAKES
OUT A GUN AND POINTS IT LOIS) ...then
you must be Quaid!
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
OK. My next guest is a really, really
funny comedian. Give it up for the
really, really funny, Stewie Griffin.
Stewie walks on to the part of stage where stand up comedians
perform.
STEWIE
Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice.
The audience laughs a little, and Jimmy Fallon (still at his
desk) starts laughing hysterically.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Mango juice.
Jimmy Fallon is once again laughing hysterically.
JIMMY FALLON
I don't know what that baby is saying - but it sounds hilarious.
STEWIE
Have you ever been eating breakfast
and thought, "This is the most
important and confusing meal of the
day?"
(CONTINUED)
38.
CONTINUED:
JIMMY FALLON
(LAUGHS AND CLAPS) What the hell is
that baby saying? He sounds British or
something.
STEWIE
I mean, sometimes you want grapes and
nuts -- and then you open a box that
says Grape-Nuts. And there are no
grapes in it.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Or nuts.
The audience laughs much harder.
STEWIE (CONTD)
What's next? Are they gonna put Hilary
Clinton's vagina in a box, and call it
Strawberry Seeds?
The audience laughs again.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
Peter, Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland, and Lois are still watching
the show, along with Bill Clinton, who's laughing hard and
standing next to Spongebob and BORIS YELTSIN.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
STEWIE
Lunch is confusing, too. I mean, you
order a hamburger and French fries -and you get no ham.
The audience laughs.
(CONTINUED)
39.
CONTINUED:
STEWIE (CONTD)
And nothing French.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
But breakfast is more confusing than
lunch. You eat a grapefruit and French
toast, and you get no grapes.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
And nothing French.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Vagina.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
And what's with Taco Bell? Why pair
those two things together? Has anyone
ever thought, "You know what would be
good with this taco? A bell."
The audience laughs again.
STEWIE (CONTD)
What's next? Burrito tuba?
More laughter.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Vagina.
More laughter.
(CONTINUED)
40.
CONTINUED: (2)
STEWIE (CONTD)
Most cab drivers are foreigners.
More laughter.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Do black people even drink juice?
More laughter.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Papaya juice.
More laughter.
JIMMY FALLON
(TO CAMERA) OK. My next guest was the
star of the hit sitcom Seinfeld.
Ladies and gentleman, give it up for
Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRY SEINFELD runs up to Stewie and beats the crap out of
him. He then sits down with Jimmy Fallon.
JIMMY FALLON (CONTD)
Wow. You just beat the crap out of
him. (LAUGHS AND CLAPS)
JERRY SEINFELD
Let me just say this, Jimmy -- you
gentile bastard. Dinner is a very
important meal, and a very confusing
meal. I mean, how come when you mix
eggs with chicken, the dish becomes
Dutch chicken? What if you're on a
date, you both order Dutch chicken,
and then you split the bill?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
41.
CONTINUED: (3)
JERRY SEINFELD (CONT'D)