FAMILY GUY

"White People Drink Juice"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

ACT ONE
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
QUAGMIRE is seated at a poker table with MATT DAMON, PHIL
IVEY and a POKER DEALER. We see a booth with the TV
announcer/commentators LON McEACHAERN and NORMAN CHAD.
LON MCEACHERN
We're back at the World Series of
Poker, here at the Quahog Casino,
Hotel, and Ostrich Farm.
NORM CHAD
This place holds the distinction of
being the world's only indoor ostrich
farm, as well as the location used in
the 1987 blaxploitation film, I'm
Gonna Kill Yo Ass in a Casino.
INT. CASINO (SLOT MACHINES) - DAY
A BLACK MAN (30) is playing a slot machine. Right behind him,
an ostrich lays an egg, and a farmer in overalls walks over
and collects the egg. The Black Man collects his winning from
his machine and gets up. He sees BLACK MAN 2 (30).
BLACK MAN
Yo, man. I'm gonna kill yo ass in a
casino.
He attacks Black Man 2.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
The dealer is shuffling the deck.

(CONTINUED)

2.
CONTINUED:

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)

And we're down to three players: poker
legend Phil Ivey, Academy Award
winning actor Matt Damon, and sex
addict Glenn Quagmire.
NORM CHAD (V.O)
Glenn has no Academy Awards, and two
STDs. That's one more than my ex-wife.
The Dealer deals each player two cards face down.
QUAGMIRE
(TO MATT DAMON) Uh. Matt?
MATT DAMON
Call me Mr. Damon.
QUAGMIRE
OK. Mr. Damon. Can you take your hand
off of my leg?
MATT DAMON
Call me "daddy."
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
PETER, JOE, and CLEVELAND are seated at a table and watching
the poker tournament on TV.
PETER
I can't believe Quagmire is playing
for a $15 million grand prize. This is
really exciting. But on the other
hand, I can watch the Three Stooges on
my phone.
He takes out his cell phone and plays a Three Stooges video.
(CONTINUED)

3.
CONTINUED:

PETER (CONTD)
Ah ha ha ha! Moe just slapped Curly!
(SHOWS HIS PHONE TO CLEVELAND) Look,
Cleveland! Look! I think he's about to
slap him again.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)
Glenn Quagmire has really made a name
for himself throughout this
tournament, thanks to a brilliant
combination of audacious bluffs and
sexual harassment.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY (FLASHBACK SCENE)
Quagmire is seated at a table with seven other PLAYERS, all
of whom have already folded, except for a busty FEMALE PLAYER
who puts some chips into the pot. Glenn puts in an equal
amount of chips.
QUAGMIRE
I call. I have three of a kind. And
you have a large pair. A large pair of
breasts.
She flips over her hand.
FEMALE PLAYER
I have a full house.
QUAGMIRE
You have a full blouse.
FEMALE PLAYER
I'm done playing with you!
She shoves all her chips towards Quagmire's stack.
(CONTINUED)

4.
CONTINUED:

FEMALE PLAYER (CONTD)

Here! Just take my chips!
She stands up and walks away.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
On screen, we can see graphics of the players' hidden cards-Matt Damon: two "Draw Four" Uno cards. Quagmire: 2s 5d. Phil
Ivey: Jd 8d. The community cards on the table are Jh As 7c.
Quagmire puts in some chips.
NORM CHAD (V.O)
What a bluff by Quagmire! His cards
are as worthless as my ex-wife.
Ivery and Damon quickly call. The Dealer puts a 6 of hearts
on the board. Ivey and Damon check, and Quagmire bets.
LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)
Quagmire bluffs again!
Ivery calls. Matt Damon flips over his Draw Four cards and
puts them in front of Quagmire and Ivey.
The Dealer hold up a red (soccer referee) card.
LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)
Matt Damon has just been disqualified
for playing Uno instead of poker.
MATT DAMON
You sunk my battleship!
The Dealer puts a 7 of hearts on the board. Ivey checks, and
Quagmire pushes in a bunch of chips.
LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)
Quagmire bets ten million chips with
absolutely nothing!
Ivey throws his cards in the muck.

(CONTINUED)

5.
CONTINUED:

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)

Ivey folds!
NORM CHAD (V.O.)
My ex-wife spends $300 a month on hand
lotion! How much lotion can one woman
put on her hands?!
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Stewie and Brian are watching the poker tournament on TV.
Brian changes the channel.
(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD is performing.
JERRY SEINFELD
Breakfast is the most important and
confusing meal of the day. I mean, is
there anyone on this planet who can
listen to Rice Krispies, and hear the
difference between a snap, a crackle,
and a pop?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Stewie laughs.
BRIAN
You like this? I was about to change
channel.
Stewie puts a knife to Brian's throat.
STEWIE
Back away from the remote.

6.

(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY

JERRY SEINFELD
And why is it when you mix toast with
an egg, the whole thing becomes French
toast? I mean, does that work with
other things? If you mix an egg with
my wife's vagina, does that mean my
wife has a French vagina? Am I
supposed to eat it, or give it a
French kiss?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Stewie is drinking milk -- and he laughs so hard, the milk
comes flying out of his nose.
Brian show no trace of amusement.
(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD
And how come so many New York City cab
drivers have stupid foreign names like
Amal?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
STEWIE
Exactly! They're foreigners!
(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD
And why is it that when you get on an
airplane, the flight attendants teach
you how to use your seatbelt?
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

7.
CONTINUED:
JERRY SEINFELD (CONT'D)

Do they think that if we don't get

those instructions, we'll use the
seatbelt to choke ourselves while we
masturbate on the plane?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
STEWIE
(LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY) Jerry Seinfeld
is a creative genius. I never knew art
could reach such an incredible level
of beauty and grace. I mean, seriously
-- what's French about the toast?
BRIAN
Um -- Stewie, it's just observational
humor about breakfast and foreigners.
Art is a painting, or a sculpture, or
a novel.
STEWIE
A novel? What -- you mean like your
novel?
BRIAN
Well. Yeah.
STEWIE
Does your novel ask the important
questions -- like, "What's French
about French toast?

(CONTINUED)

8.
CONTINUED:

BRIAN
No. It asks the important questions -like, "What does it really mean to be
a human being? Or a dog."
STEWIE
Let me just ask you this. What's the
deal with your novel, Brian?
BRIAN
The deal with it is "kiss my ass."
STEWIE
I mean, instead of writing mindless
drivel, why don't you try doing what
Jerry Seinfeld does?
BRIAN
Jerry Seinfeld writes the most
mindless drivel of all!
STEWIE
It is not mindless drivel! I will not
stand for you to sully the image of
Mr. Seinfeld! How dare you! I mean,
I'd like to see you come up with an
insightful, witty observation like,
"What's so French about French toast?"
BRIAN
I'd like to see you come up with
observations like that.

(CONTINUED)

9.
CONTINUED: (2)

STEWIE
Well. I'd like to see that as well.
... Oh my goodness, Brian! I just
realized what I want to do with my
life. I want to be a stand up
comedian!
BRIAN
Great. Great. I think you should.
STEWIE
Really?
BRIAN
Absolutely. Because I'm gonna piss all
over your comedy the way you've pissed
all over my novel.
STEWIE
Piss. That's a funny word. Maybe I can
use that in my act. Piss. Piss. Or how
about mango? That sounds funny, too.
Mango. Mango. Mango.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - DAY
Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are seated at a table
with $15 million cash and a deck of cards.
JOE
How the hell did you outplay Phil
Ivey?
QUAGMIRE
He has a tell. Every time he gets a
good hand, I get an erection. Alright.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

10.
CONTINUED:
QUAGMIRE (CONT'D)

Let's play some poker. I'm really in a

gambling mood after winning that
tournament. I got $15 million on the
table. How much are you guys buying in
for?
Peter takes out a $100 bill.
PETER
20 bucks. You got change for a
hundred?
Close up on Peter's watch. It says 1:00.
Cut to it saying 2:00. All the money is next to Peter.
PETER (CONTD)
Wow. I've won a lot of money. There
must be at least $25 here.
QUAGMIRE
Peter. You've won $15,000,753 and 28
cents. And my supermarket club card.
CLEVELAND
And my moustache comb.
JOE
And my wife.
Peter is using the moustache comb on his teeth. BONNIE is
sitting next to him.
PETER
Mustache comb? I thought this was a
"black man's toothpick."

(CONTINUED)

11.
CONTINUED: (2)

JOE
Peter. Let's focus here. You just had
one of the winningest poker sessions
ever.
PETER
Well. You did OK, too. You won my
wife.
LOIS is sitting next to Joe.
LOIS
Peter. He didn't win me. I'm not a
poker chip.
PETER
Lois -- I think I'm a good enough
poker player to tell the difference
between a poker chip and a non poker
chip. I mean, I've won over $15
million.
LOIS
Because for most of the game, I sat
next to you and told you what to do,
and you won $15 million. And then you
bet me.
PETER
Honey -- you're forgetting one thing.
JOE
Hey. Don't call her honey. She's my
wife now -- remember?

(CONTINUED)

12.
CONTINUED: (3)

PETER
Oh. Right. (TO BONNIE) Honey -- you're
forgetting one thing.
BONNIE
Don't call me honey, Peter.
PETER
Joe -- your ex-wife is a real piece of
work.
END OF ACT ONE

13.

ACT TWO
INT. COMEDY CLUB - DAY
A stereotypical BLACK COMEDIAN is performing for a small
AUDIENCE. Brian and Stewie walk in and make their way to a
table.
BLACK COMEDIAN
...Ain't no grapes or nuts in that
box. So why's is the cereal called
Grape Nuts?
Stewie and Brian sit at a table in the back.
BLACK COMEDIAN (CONTD)
(TO AUDIENCE) Knock knock.
AUDIENCE
Who's there?
BLACK COMEDIAN
Interrupting otter.
AUDIENCE
Interrupting otter wh...
The Black Comedian makes otter noises.
STEWIE
(AMUSED) (TO BRIAN) He interrupted us
by making otter noises.
BRIAN
Yes. I heard.
A WAITRESS walks by their table.

(CONTINUED)

14.
CONTINUED:

STEWIE
(TO WAITRESS) Excuse me. Can you get
me a scotch and orange juice, shaken,
not stirred, in a Spongebob sippy cup,
yellow, not orange?
BLACK COMEDIAN
(MAKES OTTER NOISES FOR A FEW MORE
SECONDS) You ever get in a cab, and
you read the driver's name, and it's a
foreign name, and it's got, like, one
of those O's with a happy face drawn
in it? And you ask him how to
pronounce the O happy face, and he's
all like, (IN ARABIC ACCENT)
"eklikhikhligillekhleh."
STEWIE
Ha ha ha! Yes! Because the cab driver
is a foreigner!
BLACK COMEDIAN
(TO AUDIENCE) ... And let me just say
this. White people drink juice.
Stewie is drinking from a yellow Spongebob sippy cup.
STEWIE
(TO BRIAN) That's true. I'm drinking
juice right now.

(CONTINUED)

15.
CONTINUED: (2)

BLACK COMEDIAN
(TO AUDIENCE) But black people -- we
don't be drinking no juice.
Stewie is taking notes. In his notebook, we can see what he
wrote: "White people drink juice. Black people DON'T drink
juice."
BRIAN
You're taking notes?
STEWIE
Stand up comedy is my passion, Brian!
BLACK COMEDIAN
(TO AUDIENCE) 'Cause if you're black,
you don't drink juice. But if your
skin is white, you got a fridge is
like a damn Tropicana factory. And
white people -- white people are all
like, (OVER-THE-TOP, STEREOTYPICAL
WHITE VOICE) "Honey -- can you pour me
a glass of juice? Obama is a black son
of a bitch." (BACK TO NORMAL VOICE)
But black folks, we're all like, "I
don't even know what juice is."
Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people think Obama is a
black son of a bitch."
BRIAN
(TO STEWIE) Can we go now?
STEWIE
Brian -- don't interrupt me while I'm
working.
(CONTINUED)

16.
CONTINUED: (3)

BLACK COMEDIAN
And let me tell y'all one more thing.
White people... like to drink juice.
But black people -- we don't be
drinking no damn juice.
Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people and black people
have fundamentally different lifestyles -- especially when it
comes to juice."
INT. GRIFFIN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Peter and Lois are sitting on the sofa watching TV. Peter is
wearing a tuxedo and eating out of a can. MEG enters.
MEG
Mom -- why is dad wearing a tuxedo and
eating out of a can?
LOIS
Well, honey. It's because we're
millionaires. We won $15 million today
playing poker.
PETER
Yeah. When I was a hundredaire, I wore
shirts and ate Chef Boyardee Ravioli.
But now that I'm a millionaire, I wear
tuxedos and eat Chef Boyardee
Beefaroni.
CHRIS enters from the kitchen and looks at Peter.
CHRIS
Whoa! Are we millionaires?!

(CONTINUED)

17.
CONTINUED:

MEG
You could tell that just by seeing dad
eat Beefaroni in a tuxedo?
CHRIS
Yeah. And also, I saw $15 million in
cash lying on our kitchen table.
Peter is now using the mustache comb on his teeth.
PETER
I didn't just win that money. I also
won this "black man's toothpick."
LOIS
Damn it, Peter. That's a mustache
comb.
PETER
If you're a hundredaire, it's a
mustache comb. If you're a
millionaire, it's a black man's
toothpick.
MEG
Wow! I can't believe we have $15
million. Are we gonna buy a Bentley,
and move to Beverly Hills?
LOIS
Well. To be honest, I'm not sure what
we're gonna do now that we're
millionaires. Well.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

18.
CONTINUED: (2)
LOIS (CONT'D)

I mean, the first thing I want to do

is... gamble some more.
PETER
Yeah. Me, too.
LOIS
It's like, once you win, you want to
keep on playing.
PETER
I'll go get our money. If we leave
now, we can get to the casino before
it closes.
MEG
Are you crazy? We already have more
money than we'll ever need. Why would
you keep gambling?
PETER
Meg. You don't understand how this
stuff works. Me and your mom are
what's known as professional gamblers.
And as professional gamblers, we know
how you gotta keep on gambling, if you
want to keep putting food on the
table.
MEG
Food on the table? We literally have
$15 million on the table right now.

(CONTINUED)

19.
CONTINUED: (3)

The doorbell rings. Lois opens it to reveal a traditionally

dressed JAPANESE MESSENGER.
JAPANESE MESSENGER
Hello. I am a traditional Japanese
messenger, sent here by Matt Damon.
MEG
Wow! Mat Damon?!
LOIS
(To JAPANESE MESSENGER) Matt Damon
isn't Japanese.
JAPANESE MESSENGER
Yes. But he is a lunatic. And he found
out that you won $15 million today
from Quagmire san -- so he sent me
here to invite you to a private poker
game in his hotel room at the Quahog
Hotel, Casino, and Ostrich Farm.
PETER
Tell Matt Damon san that we accept his
invitation, and we'll be there with
our $15 million.
MEG
Are you crazy?! Mom -- tell dad not to
gamble with all $15 million.
LOIS
Meg, honey. You just don't understand
how professional gambling works.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

20.
CONTINUED: (4)
LOIS (CONT'D)

If Matt Damon sends over a traditional

Japanese messenger to invite you to a
high stakes poker game in his hotel
room, it's dishonorable to show up
with less than all of your money.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Brian and Stewie are walking.
STEWIE
Alright. My career plan is moving
along nicely.
BRIAN
Career plan?
STEWIE
Step one: attend a stand up comedy
show. Step two: perform stand up
comedy at a local venue. Step three:
perform stand up comedy on national
television.
BRIAN
I think you left out a few hundred
steps, Stewie.
STEWIE
Do you think I should use my real
voice on stage? Maybe I should play a
character who doesn't sound like me at
all. Like, a Puerto Rican guy.
Actually -- how about a redneck?
(CONTINUED)

21.
CONTINUED:

BRIAN
You're gonna be a redneck comedian?
STEWIE
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) You better
believe it, buddy. I drive a pick up
truck, and I have sex with my cousin.
He takes some tobacco out of his pocket, chews it, and spits.
He then spits out the tobacco.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Ugh. Forget the redneck idea.
BRIAN
How about you forget the comedy idea?
STEWIE
I know! I'll be a Cuban guy. Like that
Tony Montana character the cool kids
are so fond of. (IN CUBAN ACCENT) I'm
Stewie Montana. And I don't drive a
pickup truck or have sex with my
cousin. What's the deal with GrapeNuts, man?
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
A SECURITY GUARD opens the door to reveal Lois, and Peter
rolling a wheelbarrow full of hundred dollar bills. Matt
Damon is standing behind the Security Guard.
MATT DAMON
Peter. Lois. Come on in. Let me
introduce you to the guys. The best
celebrity poker players in the world.

(CONTINUED)

22.
CONTINUED:

The camera changes angles to reveal everyone seated at the

table.
MATT DAMON (CONTD)
Tobey Maguire, Bill Clinton,
Spongebob, and Snap.
PETER
(TO SNAP) Where are Crackle and Pop?
SNAP
How the hell should I know? We're not
lovers or anything. I'm straight. You
hear me? Straight!
PETER
Fine. You're straight.
SNAP
So. Do you want to hang out at my
place later? I have a hot tub.
PETER
Well. I'll have to bring my wife with
me.
SNAP
Oh. Well then, forget it.
MATT DAMON
(TO PETER AND LOIS) Alright, Peter and
Lois. Let's see how good you really
are.
Close up on Spongebob's watch. It says 3:00. Cut to it saying
3:30.

(CONTINUED)

23.
CONTINUED: (2)

Peter and Lois are involved in a hand with Spongebob. Many

bricks of hundred dollars pills are in the pot, and stacked
up very high.
PETER
(TO SPONGEBOB, IN A SERIOUS TONE)
Yahtzee.
LOIS
Peter. There's no Yahtzee in poker.
PETER
Well. There should be. But if I'm not
allowed to Yahtzee, then...
Peter pushes a high tower of hundred dollar bill bricks
forwards.
PETER (CONTD)
(TO SPONGEBOB) I bet $4 million.
SPONGEBOB
I raise.
He pushes three high towers of hundred dollar bill bricks
forward.
SPONGEBOB (CONTD)
$12 million, you fat son of a bitch.
Peter puts Lois on the table.
PETER
I raise my wife.
LOIS
Damn it, Peter! You can't bet me!
Peter pushes many stacks of bills forwards.
PETER
I raise to 30 million.

(CONTINUED)

24.
CONTINUED: (3)

Spongebob folds his hand.

Close up on Bill Clinton's Spongebob watch. It says 3:30. Cut
to it saying 4:00.
The board is Jh, Js, 3h, 4h, 5d. There's already a lot of
money in the pot, and Matt Damon pushes four stacks forward,
each of which is high enough to reach the ceiling.
MATT DAMON
Alright. I raise to $100 million.
PETER
I call.
Matt Damon and Peter both turn over their hands: Jd 5h, and
Jc 5c. Old west showdown music plays in the background.
Everyone gets up and hides behind a table, except for Peter
and Matt Damon.
PETER (CONTD)
What the hell just happened?
BILL CLINTON
You both have Jacks full of fives.
PETER
What does that mean?
BILL CLINTON
That means you have to fight to the
death.
LOIS
Why?
SPONGEBOB
Them's poker rules.
PETER
What?!

(CONTINUED)

25.
CONTINUED: (4)

SPONGEBOB
Hey. We don't make the rules here,
buddy. If them's poker rules, them's
poker rules.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Yeah. The last time this happened,
Matt Damon fought and killed Ben
Affleck.
LOIS
But Ben Affleck is still alive.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
No he isn't. He was replaced by a
lookalike named Ed Smith.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK SCENE)
ED SMITH (a Ben Affleck lookalike) is with JENNIFER GARNER,
and talking to a MAITRE' D.
ED SMITH
Reservation for Ed Smith -- I mean,
um, Ben Outback.
JENNIFER GARNER
Ben Affleck.
ED SMITH
Whatever. When are we gonna have sex,
Jessica Garvey?
JENNIFER GARNER
I'm Jennifer Garner. That's the 973rd
time you've gotten my name wrong. I
want a divorce.
(CONTINUED)

26.
CONTINUED:

ED SMITH
Whatever, Genevieve Carson.
INT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY
Stewie is performing for a bunch of other BABIES.
STEWIE
And let me tell you something about
breakfast. Not only is it the most
important meal of the day -- it's also
the most confusing meal of the day.
A Baby laughs, and then says to Stewie:
BABY
How so?
STEWIE
Like, you open a cereal box that says
Grape-Nuts. And the next thing you
know, you're eating a bowl of wheat
and barley.
A Black Baby laughs.
BLACK BABY
Damn straight. Ain't no grapes or nuts
in that bowl.
STEWIE
And how come eggs turn toast into
French toast? Does that work with
other stuff? I mean, do eggs turn
Hilary Clinton's vagina into Hilary
Clinton's French vagina?

(CONTINUED)

27.
CONTINUED:

BABY 2
Why Hilary Clinton?
STEWIE
It's a political joke. And what's the
deal with juice? Listen. Juice. Juice.
Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice.
Juice.
BLACK BABY
(LAUGHS) I don't know what juice means
-- but it is a funny word.
STEWIE
Mango juice.
Everyone laughs.
EXT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY
Brian and Stewie are standing outside of the day care center.
STEWIE
Alright. That was a good set.
BRIAN
You freaking ripped off Jerry Seinfeld
and that other comedian.
STEWIE
What are you talking about? Seinfeld
is Jewish, and that other guy is
black. I'm neither of those things.
Plus, my jokes are way different.

(CONTINUED)

28.
CONTINUED:

BRIAN
How are they different? Because now
the French vagina is Hilary Clinton's?
STEWIE
Well. Among other things. Also,
remember that whole thing about the
mango juice?
BRIAN
You mean how you said mango juice, and
then moved onto the next joke, which
was you saying papaya juice?
STEWIE
Yeah. Anyways, we got to get going. I
booked another gig.
BRIAN
Gig? Did that last performance even
count as a gig?
STEWIE
Sure it did. I performed, and I got
paid.
BRIAN
What did they pay you?
STEWIE
Well. Mainly apple juice. Which, by
the way, doesn't sound as funny as
mango juice or papaya juice. Listen,
Brian.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

29.
CONTINUED: (2)
STEWIE (CONT'D)

Listen to how funny those words are.

Mango juice. Papaya juice. Mango
juice. Papaya juice.
END OF ACT TWO

30.

ACT THREE
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are knitting sweaters.
The doorbell rings, and Quagmire opens it to reveal Peter and
Lois.
PETER
Hey, Quagmire. We just dropped by to
return this pepper shaker we won
during the poker game at your house.
QUAGMIRE
You didn't win that pepper shaker.
PETER
Well. I might've stolen it, after you
made that remark about how Rutherford
B. Hayes was a mediocre president.
Which is ridiculous, by the way!
Rutherford B. Hayes was a slightly
better than average president!
Slightly better than average!
QUAGMIRE
Fine. OK. I know how sensitive you get
when it comes to politicians you know
absolutely nothing about.
PETER
Yeah. Well. Just make sure you don't
say nothing bad about Dennis Kucinich.
Otherwise, I'll kick your ass.

(CONTINUED)

31.
CONTINUED:

QUAGMIRE
Alright. Do you guys want to come in?
PETER
Sure.
They walk in.
CLEVELAND
So. What happened at Matt Damon's
room? Word on the street is you played
in a high stakes game, and bought in
for 15 million.
LOIS
Word on the street?
CLEVELAND
Yeah. You know. Like, that's the news
I heard from people.
LOIS
What people?
CLEVELAND
Well. Joe and Quagmire. Word on the
street. Spooner Street. So what
happened in Matt Damon's room?
PETER
Bill Clinton sexually harassed an
ostrich.
JOE
What about the poker game?

(CONTINUED)

32.
CONTINUED: (2)

PETER
Well. I turned the $15 million into
$150 million. And then me and Matt
Damon both had Jacks full of fives in
a $300 million pot. So I killed him.
You're not gonna arrest me, are you?
JOE
Of course not. I mean, you both had
Jacks full of five. You had to kill
him.
CLEVELAND
Yeah. Them's poker rules.
QUAGMIRE
(TO PETER) So you won $300 million?
PETER
Even better. I took the money to the
casino, and bet it all on red 36.
JOE
Do you mean to tell me you turned your
$300 million into...
He types on his iPhone.
JOE (CONTD)
...$10.5 billion?
PETER
No. I lost. But I had a really good
time watching that ball spin round and
round.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

33.
CONTINUED: (3)
PETER (CONT'D)

Oh -- and then later, I watched the

Three Stooges, and Moe slapped Larry.
Ha ha ha ha! Let's watch the Three
Stooges.
Peter turns on the TV.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
My first guest just won the World
Series of Poker. Give it up for Glenn
Quagmire.
Quagmire walks onto the stage.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
PETER
Wait a second. If that's the real
Quagmire...
Peter points a gun at Quagmire's head
PETER (CONTD)
...then you must be Quaid.
QUAGMIRE
Peter -- I'm the real Quagmire.
PETER
Lois -- is that true?
LOIS
Yes, Peter.
PETER
Oh.
Peter points a gun at the Quagmire on TV.

(CONTINUED)

34.
CONTINUED:

PETER (CONTD)
Then he's Quaid.
QUAGMIRE
We're both the real Quagmire. I was
there earlier today. The Tonight Show
is filmed five hours before it airs.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
So Glenn. You won the World Series of
Poker. That is so awesome!
QUAGMIRE
Yeah. It's pretty awesome.
JIMMY FALLON
And you're also a sex addict. That's
awesome!
QUAGMIRE
I guess so.
Jimmy Fallon laughs and claps for a few second, and then he
punches Quagmire in the face.
JIMMY FALLON
My next guests were both thought to be
dead -- but it turns out that they're
not. Give it up for Elvis Presley and
Tupac Shakur.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
Peter changes the channel.
(ON TV) INT. JIMMY FALLON LIVE SET - NIGHT
Jimmy Fallon is seated at his desk.

(CONTINUED)

35.
CONTINUED:

JIMMY FALLON
Welcome back to Jimmy Fallon Live -the show where I, Jimmy Fallon,
broadcast live, and go head to head
with The Tonight Show starring Jimmy
Fallon -- the show where I, Jimmy
Fallon broadcast on a five hour delay,
and go head to head with this show,
Jimmy Fallon Live. No matter which
show people watch, Jimmy Fallon wins!
OK. My next guest is a movie star who
finished third in the World Series of
Poker. Give it up for Matt Damon.
An ostrich walks out to the stage, gives Jimmy Fallon a
handshake and hug, and then sits down.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
PETER
There's the replacement we found for
Matt Damon.
QUAGMIRE
Peter -- that's an ostrich.
PETER
Yeah -- but he's a really crappy
actor, just like Matt Damon.

36.

(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT

JIMMY FALLON
Matt -- we're so happy to have you on
the show. This is so awesome. Matt
Damon!
OSTRICH
Eeeeaaah!
JIMMY FALLON
(LAUGHS) I know. I was thinking the
same thing.
OSTRICH
Eeeeeh!
JIMMY FALLON
(LAUGHS) Yeah. I know. Ben Affleck is
totally like that.
The Ostrich lays an egg.
JIMMY FALLON (CONTD)
You just laid an egg! That is so great
that you just laid an egg. (LAUGHS AND
CLAPS)
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - DAY
PETER
Is it just me, or does Matt Damon look
a lot thinner and whiter than he used
to?
JOE
That's the ostrich.
(CONTINUED)

37.
CONTINUED:

PETER
Wait. If that's the ostrich... (TAKES
OUT A GUN AND POINTS IT LOIS) ...then
you must be Quaid!
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
OK. My next guest is a really, really
funny comedian. Give it up for the
really, really funny, Stewie Griffin.
Stewie walks on to the part of stage where stand up comedians
perform.
STEWIE
Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice.
The audience laughs a little, and Jimmy Fallon (still at his
desk) starts laughing hysterically.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Mango juice.
Jimmy Fallon is once again laughing hysterically.
JIMMY FALLON
I don't know what that baby is saying - but it sounds hilarious.
STEWIE
Have you ever been eating breakfast
and thought, "This is the most
important and confusing meal of the
day?"

(CONTINUED)

38.
CONTINUED:

JIMMY FALLON
(LAUGHS AND CLAPS) What the hell is
that baby saying? He sounds British or
something.
STEWIE
I mean, sometimes you want grapes and
nuts -- and then you open a box that
says Grape-Nuts. And there are no
grapes in it.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Or nuts.
The audience laughs much harder.
STEWIE (CONTD)
What's next? Are they gonna put Hilary
Clinton's vagina in a box, and call it
Strawberry Seeds?
The audience laughs again.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
Peter, Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland, and Lois are still watching
the show, along with Bill Clinton, who's laughing hard and
standing next to Spongebob and BORIS YELTSIN.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
STEWIE
Lunch is confusing, too. I mean, you
order a hamburger and French fries -and you get no ham.
The audience laughs.

(CONTINUED)

39.
CONTINUED:

STEWIE (CONTD)
And nothing French.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
But breakfast is more confusing than
lunch. You eat a grapefruit and French
toast, and you get no grapes.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
And nothing French.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Vagina.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
And what's with Taco Bell? Why pair
those two things together? Has anyone
ever thought, "You know what would be
good with this taco? A bell."
The audience laughs again.
STEWIE (CONTD)
What's next? Burrito tuba?
More laughter.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Vagina.
More laughter.

(CONTINUED)

40.
CONTINUED: (2)

STEWIE (CONTD)
Most cab drivers are foreigners.
More laughter.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Do black people even drink juice?
More laughter.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Papaya juice.
More laughter.
JIMMY FALLON
(TO CAMERA) OK. My next guest was the
star of the hit sitcom Seinfeld.
Ladies and gentleman, give it up for
Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRY SEINFELD runs up to Stewie and beats the crap out of
him. He then sits down with Jimmy Fallon.
JIMMY FALLON (CONTD)
Wow. You just beat the crap out of
him. (LAUGHS AND CLAPS)
JERRY SEINFELD
Let me just say this, Jimmy -- you
gentile bastard. Dinner is a very
important meal, and a very confusing
meal. I mean, how come when you mix
eggs with chicken, the dish becomes
Dutch chicken? What if you're on a
date, you both order Dutch chicken,
and then you split the bill?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

41.
CONTINUED: (3)
JERRY SEINFELD (CONT'D)

Does that mean you're going dutch on

Dutch chicken? And if you mix eggs
with your date's vagina, does that
mean she has a Dutch vagina? What if
the two of you split her vagina's
bill? Does that mean you're going
dutch on her Dutch vagina? And why
does her vagina have a bill? Is she a
Dutch prostitute who's charging you
for sex?
THE END