By Ingrid Sundberg

Simon Pulse
New York London Toronto Sydney New Delhi
one
 Marion

The sun parts the trees like lips, golden with half
shadows and secrets. Dusk arches over the dirt road ahead,
and I double-check the Post-it on my dash. It tells me to
drive straight for another six miles out of town through this
patchwork of New England trees. But the leaves are flamed
orange-gold and so thick I can’t imagine there’s a lake, much
less a lake house and a party, somewhere behind them.
“Are you sure this is the right way?” I ask Lilith, who
bares her teeth in the mirror of my passenger-seat visor.
Her red mouth fills the whole frame.
“Of course it is,” Lilith practically snorts, tossing lipstick
into her purse and fishing out a silver flask. She opens the
cap and gulps back whatever’s inside it, smearing red over
the rim. “There is only one way, Marion!” Lilith bellows,
rolling down the window and leaning into the wind. “For-
ward, my friend. Forward, into your future!”
The sun winks ominously through the trees, nearly
set. The thin fabric of Lilith’s tank top stretches over her
 I N G R I D S U N D B E R G

cleavage, and I can’t help but think about all the things Lil-
ith knows. All the guys she’s been with and the secrets her
body understands, the same way a firefly knows to glow
when night arrives, turning on in the dark.
“Marion, it’s senior year!” Lilith hoots, nudging me as
she leans out the window. “We’re going to have the best
year ever!” She laughs and her hair whips wildly, catching
whispers of sun. And even though the trees angle in dark
ahead of us, I can’t help but smile and roll down my
window with her. Because Lilith is so free, and so alive, and
so radiant, that I know I’d follow her anywhere, for just a
hint of that freedom.

At the end of the road the treetops open up to unveil the

lake, and the final winks of gold shine over the mountain.
It makes me forget we live near Boston, or that droves of
tourists descend upon our small coastal town of Emerson
in the summertime. It reminds me that once this land was
nothing but virgin forest.
I park near the salt grass and Lilith drums her fingers on
the dashboard, nodding to the bonfire by the shore. Two
dozen kids from school already surround the flames, drink-
ing and laughing.
“Let the mayhem begin!” Lilith says dramatically, check-
ing her cleavage in the mirror and fluffing her hair like she’s
about to go onstage. My stomach grumbles from hunger or

4
 A L L W E L E F T B E H I N D

nerves, and I pull a McIntosh apple from my purse.

“Appetizer?” I offer, and Lilith looks at me like I’m hold-
ing a frog.
“Damn, Mar-i-doodle! You got a fruit stand in there?”
“Maybe,” I shoot back, nodding to her flask. “You got a
liquor store in yours?”
“Touché!” She grabs my apple and takes a dramatic bite,
then shoves her flask in my hand. “Appetizers it is.” She
motions for me to drink.
I take a swig and the liquid is sweet, but then it hits my
throat and burns. “Jesus!” I spit the rest out the window.
“What is that!?”
“Sorry.” Lilith laughs. “Okay, maybe you do need to eat
before you drink.” She hands me back the apple in exchange
for her flask. “Finish that, fruit-girl, and remind me to find
you some bread.”
Cold air shoots up my skirt as we walk toward the lake,
wind kissing my thighs. I grip the apple and tug at the fab-
ric’s hem.
“Be cool,” Lilith says, dropping an arm over my shoul-
ders and playing with the blond hair that flows down my
back. “You got this.”
She eyes my hands before throwing back another
drink, and I’m not sure what she thinks I’ve got, only she’s
already skipping ahead through the reeds and motioning
for me to follow. She heads for the bonfire, and from my

5
 I N G R I D S U N D B E R G

angle the flames spark around her, wild and snapping.

That’s Lilith.
Always on fire.
I hang by the water’s edge as Lilith skips from one
person to the next. She mentioned this party was exclu-
sive, which sounded cool before, but now that we’re here,
it really means I don’t know anyone. I don’t even see the
drama kids Lilith normally hangs out with. I could be mad
at her for not introducing me, but I know better. Lilith
bounces from person to person like a manic jumping bean,
and I’d rather be a wallflower than get dragged around like
a forgotten puppy. She’ll find me when she’s done. She
always does.
The heat of the bonfire is surprising. It puffs up my
skin like the flesh of a marshmallow. After lingering awhile
I discover there’s an invisible line around the fire. A heat
line. On one side it’s too hot to stand and on the other side
it’s too cold. The flames crackle, whispering secrets to the
girls standing close to the blaze with their tan legs and low-
cut shirts. They dig their toes into the sand, and the soc-
cer players touch their elbows and waists and hair. I move
closer to the fire but the heat feels like Lilith’s breath, hot
on my neck.
“What if you give yourself a deadline?” Lilith asked the
other night, her brown hair lying against my white com-
forter in dark waves. “Like Halloween or Thanksgiving?”
“To find a boyfriend?” I shifted uncomfortably beside her.

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 A L L W E L E F T B E H I N D

She laughed. “He doesn’t have to be your boyfriend.”

I stared at the ceiling. I’d painted it sapphire a few years
ago, but you could still see the outlines of the glow-in-the-
dark stars and unicorn stickers beneath.
“Maybe I want a boyfriend,” I threw back at her, and she
rolled onto her elbow to face me.
“You’re misunderstanding. I don’t mean go out and
screw the next guy that comes along. I mean . . .” She
placed her index finger on my shoulder and started to draw
swirls through the cotton of my shirt. She did that when
she was thinking, as if the contact helped her to figure out
what she meant to say. “It’s not a promise you’re making to
me. It’s a promise you’re making to yourself. It’s a promise
to your body. Does that make sense?”
“Not really,” I breathed. Lilith knew how to use her
hands. She knew what boys wanted. What to do with them.
Her fingers hit my collarbone and goose bumps frilled
over me. Cold then hot. Hot, forcing me to stare at the ceil-
ing so she couldn’t see all the things I couldn’t tell her.
“You make the promise to yourself, Marion,” Lilith said,
her fingers tracing the hem of my skin. “Listen to your body.”
Lilith dug her toes into the stretch of muscle above
my ankle and I could tell she was tired. After ten years of
sleepovers, I know the crook of Lilith’s neck. I know the way
her elbow bends. Those toes meant she was ready for bed.
Or maybe she was just tired of rehashing this conversation.
“So, how does it work?” I asked, spreading my blond

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 I N G R I D S U N D B E R G

hair over the pillow. I needed a map. Wanting to lose your

virginity and losing it are two very different things. “If he’s
not my boyfriend? What are the rules?”
“There aren’t any rules, Marion.” Lilith rolled onto her
side and began to braid my hair. “You trust your instincts.
Let him take the lead. Your body knows what to do.”
“But what if I don’t?”
“You will.” Her fingers moved effortlessly, her hands
weaving the braid without even looking. “Your body knows
things, Marion. Things you can’t even imagine.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. Her words were like
fog, untouchable and everywhere.
“Don’t think about it,” Lilith encouraged, eyeing my
silence. “Just have fun.”
“That’s it?”
“Easy peasy!” Her voice got high, like maybe that was a
lie, and I fixed my gaze outside on the empty sky, imagin-
ing it full of fireflies. “Hell, Mar-i-doodle, you’re hot,” Lilith
continued. “So, it’s not like it’s going to be hard.”
“Right.” I nodded, wanting to believe her.
“Damn right!” she insisted, before sitting up dramatically
and putting on her most obnoxious Catholic-nun voice.
“Of course, you should always remember,” she started,
wagging her finger in the air. “Your body is a temple. You
shouldn’t defile it with one of those dirty, dirty boys. You
should cherish it and keep your beautiful flower intact for
your wedding day!”

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 A L L W E L E F T B E H I N D

I grabbed a pillow and smacked her in the face. We both

doubled over laughing.
“You know, Marion . . . ,” Lilith said quietly, as our
laughter subsided and the smell of pine trees drifted in
from the open window.
“Yeah?”
“You can . . .” She shook her head, her voice light and
dismissive, and I thought maybe I could hear the paint
peeling back to expose those plastic stars. “Like if you’re
working up to it and, I dunno, you’re not into it or what-
ever . . . You know you can say no, right?”
My toes dug into the bedspread, squishy as mud.
“Of course I know that,” I said quickly, shaking my head
like she was crazy. “Who doesn’t know that?”
“Sure,” Lilith agreed, but then her eyes flicked to me
like she wasn’t sure I meant it. I pushed back the comforter
and crawled underneath, ignoring the icy draft at the base
of my sheets.
“Good night, Lilith,” I said softly.
“Good night, Marion,” she said, turning off the light,
but in the dark I could still hear her voice echoing in my
head. Your body knows things, it whispered as I stared up at
my ceiling of sapphire-drowned stars. Things you can’t even
imagine.

9
Kurt

There are black smudges all over my hands. It’s

charcoal from the fire pit that Conner and I are building
for the party, trying to set it up before everyone gets here.
But the dust is everywhere.
“We almost done?” I ask Conner, who unloads fire-
wood from his SUV and is packing three bundles under
each arm. It’s impressive for someone who barely clears
five foot five. But that’s the thing about Conner, he’s easy
to underestimate.
“You got someplace to be?” he asks, dumping the wood,
and I show him my hands. “There’s a lake behind you,
dumbass.”
“Hey, I didn’t even want to be here,” I say, dropping my
briquettes and walking to the shore. “Why didn’t you get
the freshmen to do this?”
“They’re getting the beer. You think I’d trust those JV
wimps with matches? You want to burn down my uncle’s
house?”
 A L L W E L E F T B E H I N D

“What, and you trust me to light this thing?” I say, dunk-

ing my hands in the water.
“No, I trust you to shut up and do as you’re told.” I
smile at that. Conner always knows how to cut through the
bullshit. Especially mine.
This bonfire thing is Conner’s idea. Kick off the season.
Get laid. He’s been on me all week about how I’m soccer
captain and I better be here. So I am. Though he had to
practically kidnap me to get me to show up, driving me
here himself. I should be into it. It’s senior year. Best damn
year of your life. That’s what my sister Josie would say. And
what’s not to like about being at a lake house in the middle
of nowhere, drinking beer?
I scrub at the damn charcoal on my palms, but it won’t
come off. Fuck it. I wipe my hands on my pants, getting
them dirty.
There’s a holler and Rory and Troy drive up with coolers
and bags of groceries in their backseat. I start helping them
unload when Troy wrestles me into a headlock.
“Hey, Rory, you owe me ten bucks. I told you this douche
would show up.”
“Excuse me?” I twist out of Troy’s grip and turn the
tables so it’s me with my arm hooked at his throat. “What’s
this? You two making bets on me?”
“Hey, I bet on you man, not against.” Troy struggles and
Rory laughs. “Lay off.”
I don’t let him go.

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 I N G R I D S U N D B E R G

“You know, your chances of getting laid are better if I’m

not here,” I say to Troy.
“True,” he agrees, still struggling. “But you’re always so
much fun when you’re drunk.” That’s a dig. I rarely drink,
and when I do, well, “fun” isn’t not the word I’d use to
describe it. I’m not mean. Not one of those raging assholes
or anything. I’m just not . . . happy.
“You don’t need to be drunk to get a little ass,” I say.
“Well, maybe you do, but—”
“Hey, not all of us were blessed with your pretty face.”
Troy jerks, taking a pretend swipe at my chin with the jab.
“Some of us have to use our charm.”
“Charm?” I press my weight into him, maybe more than
I should. “Charm like making bets on who’s going to show
up and whose pants you’re going to get into?”
“Well, I wasn’t planning on getting into yours!”
I twist Troy just enough to make him stomp his foot on
the ground and I wait for him to call uncle.
“Hey!” Conner stalks up to us with a giant bag of bri-
quettes. He chucks it at me, forcing me let go of Troy in
order to catch the bag and keep it from knocking us over.
Black dust kicks up as it slams into my chest. “You two
done making out? There’s a fire that’s not going to build
itself.”
“Jealous?” I smile at Conner, but he glares at me with his
stop-fucking-around face.
“Sorry, Dad, geeez,” Troy says, rolling his eyes and toss-

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 A L L W E L E F T B E H I N D

ing me a look like we’re both in on the joke. Only, Troy

doesn’t know when enough’s enough. “Hey, Kurt,” he con-
tinues. “Is Josie coming up from BU tonight?” He straight-
ens his rumpled shirt and throws me a grin. “I mean, if
there’s one piece of ass you’re not going to cockblock
tonight, that’d be it.”
The briquettes hit the dirt, and somehow Conner’s
forced his way between me and Troy before I can pummel
him. Troy laughs loudly, thinking this is all part of the game
we’re playing. But if he could see how hard Conner’s actu-
ally gripping me, how much effort it’s taking him to hold
me back, Troy would shut up.
“Forget him,” Conner says in my ear. “He doesn’t know
what he’s saying.”
“Come on,” Troy prods. “You two used to be the life of
the party. Well, she used to be anyway.”
I step off Conner and pull my weight back. “This is why
I don’t come to these things,” I say to Conner under my
breath.
“Fine,” Conner says, and for the first time it looks like
he regrets making me show up. “Why don’t you go for a
run. Blow off some steam.”
My hands are fists. I’d rather break Troy’s nose.
“What makes you think my sister would step out on her
college education to hang out with you?” I throw at Troy, but
he shrugs. He doesn’t really care. He’s just busting my balls.
“Once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader,” he says.

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 I N G R I D S U N D B E R G

Conner grips my shoulder and points to the woods.

“Run, Medford,” he says. “We can set up the fire.”
“Right.” I laugh, only it’s edged with sarcasm and Conner
knows it. “You trust them with matches?”
“No.” Conner looks me square in the eye. “I trust you
to shut the fuck up and do as I say.” He tosses me a water
bottle and I head for the trees.
I follow the shoreline, so I don’t get lost, and cut through
the underbrush. My feet pound against the dirt and I forget
Troy. Forget Conner. Forget all of them.
I put one foot in front of the other and run. I don’t try.
It just works. It’s like there’s something else in there that
turns on and goes. Like it isn’t me. Like it’s some super-
human-fast me. I don’t know where it comes from—God
or something, that’s what Mom would say. Not that I think
I’m superhuman. Not that I think God has anything to do
with it.
It’s just sweat and grass, and digging in your heels, and
running till your heart wants to burst. Running till you
don’t have to breathe anymore. They say that happens when
you skydive, that the air around you goes so fast that you
don’t have to take a single breath. The oxygen goes right
through your skin. It gets inside.
I look down at my hands. They’re still covered in black.
I dump the water from the water bottle all over them, but
it doesn’t help.

14
 Marion

The bonfire crackles and I step closer to the blaze.

My arms heat, but I force myself to stand with those other
girls who let the flames singe the hairs from their skin. The
back of my throat stings with alcohol and I wonder if I
should get another drink, if all of this would be easier if I
were drunk. If that’s part of what makes Lilith able to dance
with the fire.
I thumb the apple that’s still in my hand, turning it to
hide the bite Lilith took. I lift it to my nose, pretending
it’s untouched, pressing the waxy skin to my lips. I don’t
know what it is about apples, but they’ve always reminded
me of Abe, my lab partner, and sitting next to him fresh-
man year, under the tree in his backyard. An uneaten apple
always feels like that moment—that perfect space before—
waiting for him to kiss me. My lips part and I wonder if
Abe will show up tonight, or if he’s too smart for a party
like this. I inhale the tawny apple scent and imagine what
it will taste like.
 I N G R I D S U N D B E R G

Sweet. Slightly sour. Soft yet sharp.

Would it be like that to kiss Abe again? Not that I have
a chance with Abe anymore. Not that I didn’t ruin us a long
time ago.
“Are you going to make out with that apple? Or eat it?”
Lilith says, appearing from behind the flames. I chuck the
apple at her playfully and she dodges it, the fruit rolling
into the fire.
“Down, girl!” she mock scolds, sidling up beside me and
hooking her arm through mine. “You got a crazy streak in
you, lady!”
“You ain’t seen nothin’,” I joke back. “Imagine if that
had been a papaya.”
“I’d probably be dead.”
“Be thankful we live in New England, where exotic fruit
doesn’t grow.”
“Oh, I am.” Lilith hands me her flask and I take a swig,
forcing myself to keep the burning liquid down. I shake my
head as my ears start to buzz. Lilith laughs and takes a drink
herself, squeezing her eyes tight as she swallows. “Woooo!”
she exclaims, raising her arms and twirling. Her skirt lights
up like a parachute and the curve of her legs becomes sil-
houetted by fire. People watch. A few clap, and several boys
stare at her legs. I want to join her. I want to kick off my
shoes and twirl with her laughter, because somehow every-
thing is easier if it’s done with Lilith. She makes anything
seem possible.

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 A L L W E L E F T B E H I N D

But then it would be my legs under those eyes. My bro-

ken flip-flops left in the sand.
I look past Lilith to the lake. It ripples silently, reflecting
the dusky sky. Only, my gaze is drawn to the edge of the
water where a reflection of black trees disrupts the surface.
It’s in that patch of darkness that you can see the slimy
rocks and the mud and all that the lake is hiding. It’s where
one might fall in and silently drown.
Lilith loses interest in her performance and drapes her-
self against me, half-drunk and searching for balance. “I
love you,” she says, nuzzling my neck.
“I know,” I say, holding on to her weight. She hums for
a moment and I watch the skin of my uneaten apple curl
back in the fire, turning black with the heat.
“I wasn’t kidding,” she says, her voice getting low.
“When I said this should be our best year. I meant that.
We’ve only got so much time left. We should drink. Have
fun. Live it up. You know?”
“Absolutely,” I agree, the sparks behind us blinking from
orange to ash.
“Exactly!” She squeezes my arm, and the sentimentality
in her voice is gone, replaced by her normal frisky charm.
“So, seriously . . .” She turns us in one motion, like we’re
attached at the hip, and faces us in the direction of a group
of soccer players. “Mar-i-doodle, this is the first big party
of the year. And, I thought, you know . . .” She nods to the
boys. They’re the same group of soccer players that has been

17
 I N G R I D S U N D B E R G

touching elbows and waists and hair. “Well, I thought this

could be a good opportunity.”
My neck goes tight when she says the word “opportunity.”
She’s not talking apples.
She’s talking cherries.

18
 Kurt

The bonfire’s blazing when I come out of the woods.

I hear the clank of beer bottles and I’m surprised to see how
many people have already shown up. I didn’t think I was
out in those woods for very long, but maybe I was.
The driveway’s turned into a parking lot and I hear
music up ahead. It’s that angry metal crap Conner likes,
where yelling is called singing, and the band can’t play to
save their lives. I’ve tried to educate Conner on good music,
but he keeps insisting this shit’s the shit. Well, at least he got
one part right.
I snag a beer from a cooler along the way and halfway
through it I see the golden eagle on the label. My stom-
ach turns and everything in my mouth goes sour. Fucking
freshmen! I curse under my breath and tip the bottle over,
Mom’s favorite seeping into the dirt. Guess, I’m really not
drinking tonight.
“Medford!”
I turn to see Vanessa walking in my direction. Her
 I N G R I D S U N D B E R G

mouth is glossy and she deliberately tilts her head so her

black hair slides off her shoulder. I chuck the eagle over the
cars and into the woods, ignoring the crash of glass that
echoes back.
“Where have you been?” she demands, moving in so
close I could kiss her.
“Around,” I say, checking out the front of her and
remembering the way she moved when we skipped class
last week. I took her to the dugout behind the baseball
diamond, where her mouth had that waxy lipstick taste.
The rest of her was soft though. The rest of her was worth
enjoying.
“Well, good thing I found you, then,” she says. “Getting
around and all.”
I roll my eyes. She likes this game, but I don’t want to
play it. She knows there’s only one reason this works. And
when it stops working . . . well, then it stops working. I
thread a finger through her belt loop, pulling her in, and
she hangs an arm over my shoulder.
“Geez!” She flinches, her arm hitting the sweat on my
neck. “What did you do? Work out or something?” She
sounds annoyed but her fingers play with my hair.
“What? You don’t like me sweaty?”
She smiles mischievously. “I like being the one to make
you sweaty.”
I laugh and look over her shoulder to the row of parked
cars. I could take her to Conner’s SUV, but he’s pissed at me.

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 A L L W E L E F T B E H I N D

“I don’t have my car,” I say, knowing we could find

someplace else, but there’s something in the air, and for
whatever reason, I don’t want the easy and the booze. Not
tonight.
“Kelley has a car,” she says, batting her lashes, and I
smile at her persistence.
“Well, do you have the keys to Kelley’s car?”
She tosses her hair again and the strap of her tank top
falls from her shoulder. She probably just wants to go into
the woods.
“No,” she admits, moving in to kiss me, but I smell beer,
and the last thing I want right now is lipstick and golden-
eagle breath. I pull away as smooth as I can and throw on a
teasing smile.
“Well,” I say playfully, running a hand under her shirt,
over her stomach, which makes her moan hungrily. “Why
don’t you find me when you have those keys?”
I inch my hand dangerously close to her breasts and she
leans in for a kiss. I pull away, teasing, but she manages to
pin me. The taste of wax spreads over my mouth, and I let
her do it. It’s not so bad, especially if I don’t breathe.
“Keys,” I repeat when she releases me. I drop my hands
and smile sideways, heading for the fire without looking
back to see if she’s pissed or likes the challenge. All I know
is that I don’t want to deal with her right now.
I forget about Vanessa and walk to the lake and put my
feet in the water. It’s freezing. But the bonfire’s behind me

21
 I N G R I D S U N D B E R G

so I don’t really mind. The water is flat. So flat it feels like it

will go on forever. It makes me want to chuck a rock in it.
Or ten rocks. Anything to cause a ripple.
“Hey!”
It’s Conner behind me, followed by a smack at the back
of my head that stings like my feet in the water.
“Stop being a douche and join the party!” He holds out
a beer and I take it to humor him, ignoring the black label
and gold wings.
“How far do you think that other shore is?” I ask.
“Straight through. If I swim?”
Conner frowns at me like this is a trick. “I’ll give you
two football fields,” he says, and I shake my head.
“No way, that wouldn’t even get you to the center of the
lake.”
“I’m sorry, let me clarify.” Conner smacks me again.
“What part of ‘don’t be a douche’ did you not under-
stand?”
“Shit, all right.” I step away from him.
“Two football fields,” he repeats. “That’s how far you’re
going to get with whatever chick you take out there. If I see
you in that water without a girl, I will pound the shit out
of you.”
“All right. Point taken.”
“Good. Now drink.”
I look at the bottle and almost turn it over so the eagle
is pointed at him. But I don’t want to play the mom card.

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 A L L W E L E F T B E H I N D

“Bottoms up!” I say, raising the beer and tilting my head

back. I down the whole thing. It’s sour and cold, and tastes
better than I want it to. I hand him the empty bottle when
I’m done. Maybe he does see the eagle on it then, but if he
does he doesn’t say anything.
So much for not drinking.

23
Marion

Lilith scans the boys in the crowd, her eyes pur-

poseful and gleaming. She’s serious about this.
“Lil, what are you—”
“This is going to be soooooo much fun,” she interrupts,
already bouncing up and down.
“I don’t know.” I eye the soccer team. “I can’t say I’m
into shin guards and sweaty jerseys.”
“Oh, trust me.” She leans in. “It’s what’s under the jersey
that you’ll be into. And bonus if it’s sweaty!”
“Ew!”
“No, no!” She squeezes my side. “The correct answer is,
please, sir, can I have another?” I squirm as she tickles me
and we both laugh. But then she stops, zeroing in on a tar-
get. “Oh yes!” She claps her hands together, far too amused
with herself. “Oh, girl, you are gonna love me.”
“What? Who?” I look past her. There’s Rory Hackett,
who has ginger freckles and a canary nose. He’s cute, if you
focus on his legs, but I could say that about any of the soccer
 A L L W E L E F T B E H I N D

players. Next to him is Conner Aimes talking ten words a

second. His baseball hat is flipped to the side, showing off
a sweaty forehead of hair. Troy Beal is the best looking of
the three. At least he’s got that hot musician slouch, minus
the cigarette.
I pinch Lilith. “Who?’
“Patience, grasshopper.” She bats my hand away, laugh-
ing. “Your future awaits. Stay here.” She skips off before I
have a chance to stop her, and my stomach flutters like a
hundred moths swarming a lamp. Only she walks right past
the three soccer players and heads for the lake. Those moths
in my stomach do a nosedive when I see who she’s walking
toward. All 150 of them fly straight for the bulb’s hot pane
of glass, burning their wings up in the light. I have to check
myself, because she couldn’t possibly be heading for—
Only she is.
She stops next to Kurt Medford.
He stands ankle deep in the water with his arms crossed
over his chest, and the fabric of his T-shirt is so tight I can
see the muscle definition underneath. Lilith offers her flask
and he takes a drink, laughing, like they’re old friends, and
I wonder what she knows to say to him that makes him
look so at ease.
Why would she pick Kurt Medford? Soccer captain.
Gorgeous. Out of my league. Sure, I know who he is—
everyone knows who he is. But he doesn’t know me. He’s the
kind of guy you see from afar, tawny-haired, beautiful; he’s

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not someone you actually speak to. I see him in the halls
at school, sure, but there’s something effortless about him.
Intangible. He has that ability to slip in and out of the light,
like a mirage you aren’t sure you actually see. But when he’s
there in front of you, he’s there—sort of sturdy and brilliant.
On the soccer field, running, that’s when you really see him.
Every muscle moves with a purpose, every sinew wound tight
and then released. It’s his grace, startling and unexpected,
that steals the ball out from under the other team’s feet and
scores when they aren’t looking. It’s as if you never really see
Kurt, until he chooses to be seen.
Kurt’s gaze flicks over Lilith’s shoulders and my insides
go hot. He looks at me longer than I know what to do with
and I feel like I’ve swallowed a volcano of stars. The smell of
smoke makes me cough and I look away, my hands sweat-
ing, and I want to pull my hair off my neck. I never wear it
down and its weight is too hot. I twist the locks to one side
and peek to the shore, only they’re walking toward me.
“This is Marion,” Lilith says a few seconds later, nudg-
ing Kurt. He frowns, tilting his head away from the fire,
and I think about that heat line and which side I’m sup-
posed to be on.
“Hi,” he says, light sliding over his mouth, and all I can
do is mumble a hello and extend a hand for him to shake. It
hangs in the air for way too long and I realize no one shakes
hands anymore. It’s a stupid gesture I learned from watch-
ing my father at business meetings, only—

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He takes it.
Kurt’s hand is caramel soft and calloused at the same time.
He grips me aggressively like the handshake itself is a dare and
it catches me off guard. Only I rise to meet him, squeezing
back, and I can hear my dad’s words in the corner of my mind
saying, You only get one chance to make a first impression.
“Nice,” Kurt says, surprised, holding my grip. “Sturdy
handshake. You don’t usually see that in a girl.”
“Oh?” I lift my chin to meet his gaze and his blue eyes
flicker with fire. “What do you usually see?”
“Weakness.” He smiles at me then. “I’m gonna like you.”
Heat flames, and I can’t tell if it’s my cheeks or the pit’s
burning embers sparking hot. Only, I want to stand in it.
Is this what Lilith meant when she said ‘trust your body’?
“Have fun,” Lilith whispers, kissing me on the cheek,
and I reach out to make her stay. But she’s too fast, slipping
away through ribbons of smoke and light.
Kurt takes a seat on a blanket, and behind him the lake
is camouflaged with stars, the water weaving into the sky
and drowning the horizon. I line up my toes with the blan-
ket’s edge, needing a line that’s clearly defined. I sit down
next to him, and through the flames we watch Lilith drop
herself into the lap of one of Kurt’s teammates. The two
start making out and her lipstick comes smearing off. A few
of the guys whistle and I press my lips together, tasting the
red chalk on my mouth as well, wanting to wipe it off on
the back of my hand.

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“You’re in my chemistry class, right?” he says, his knee

brushing my skirt.
“Have been all year,” I say, even though all year is little
more than a few weeks.
“You’re lab partners with Abe Doyle.”
I nod, surprised he noticed.
“Didn’t you two used to date?”
“What?”
“Date. Like freshman year?”
I laugh, pulling at my hem, which exposes the light hairs
on my thigh. I can’t believe he knows that.
“Um . . . I guess.” I stare at him, trying to figure out why
he’s asking. “I mean, that was forever ago. We’re not together
or—we’re just friends—well, not really even friends, just lab
partners. Do you know Abe?”
He turns his head away, inviting my eyes to the light
that climbs his stubble-flecked chin. “Should I?”
“No, I mean . . .” I cough, pulling a strand of blond out
of my face. Not sure what Abe has to do with any of this.
After all, Abe’s the smart, geeky type and Kurt’s . . . well,
he’s all muscles and smolder, making my insides burn. He
sits up and digs his toes in the sand. “Do you like chemis-
try?” I ask awkwardly, and he laughs.
“Not really.”
“Right.” I backpedal. “Who likes chemistry?”
“Well . . .” He looks at me, like he’s about to make a
joke, but then his gaze softens like he thinks better of it.

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He shakes off whatever he was going to say and leans his

head on his arm and looks at me, perplexed. Not meanly,
just interested. I stare back and the heat of the fire slides up
my legs. It’s uncomfortable and way too intimate, and all I
want is to look away, but I can’t. I don’t know what to say
to him. Lilith’s not here to make this easier, so I stare, and
he stares back, with those quiet eyes, like he’s searching for
something.
I’m not sure I want him to find it.
“All right,” he says, a flirty smile spreading over him. He
stands up and sand sprinkles my legs.
“Uh . . .” I look up at him, confused. “All right what?”
He lifts his arms in a stretch, and a band of skin peeks
out between his shorts and shirt.
“Let’s do this,” he says.
“Excuse me?” My voice squeaks, and I know my eyebrows
have risen far too high on my forehead. “Let’s do . . . ?”
He nods to the lake. “Go for a swim.”
I squeeze my arms over my chest and look at the lake.
“That water is going to be freezing.”
Only I don’t think he hears me, because he’s already
headed for the shore. I scramble to catch up with him.
“You’re serious?” I call out as he wades in up to his knees.
“It’s not that cold,” he assures me, and I look back to
Lilith for help, but she’s still preoccupied by the fire.
“No one else is in the water.”
“Marion.” Kurt locks his eyes on me. They hold me

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steady. Hold me firm. “Strong handshake, remember? A

little water can’t scare you.”
Heat flushes my skin and I slip a foot in the water. It’s
cold—and yet so perfectly cold.
He doesn’t look away. “You can swim, right?”
“Of course I can swim.”
“Good.”
He twists with that startling grace and dives under the
water without a splash. He dives in with all his clothes on
like he belongs to the water and it’s a part of him. He dives
in such a way that my legs move before I can think, and I’m
underwater, in over my head, and under those stars before
I know that I’ve done it. Before I even know I wanted to.

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