Meet the Parents

by
Jim Herzfeld

Director's Revised
August 13, 1999

8/13 /99 Pg. 1

FADE IN - SERIES OF SHOTS:

-~)

--Two male HANDS scrub vigorously with betadine soap.

--LATEX GLOVES stretch and snap over the hands.
--A gloved hand lifts a SCALPEL from an instrument tray.- .
--The other swings a large, LIT MAGNIFYING GLASS in place.
--The scalpel moves into the light, toward the "patient"---An unopened box of CRACKERJACK. The LID is sliced and...
--TWEEZERS slip inside to extract... the Surprise PackE1t.
INT.

HOSPITAL

- OUTPATIENT SURGERY O.R. - DAY

GREG, 30-ish and wearing scrubs, eyes the prize, his brow
glistening. And as he takes the scalpel to the packet...
The O.R. doors open and a DOCTOR enters, startling Greg.
DOCTOR
Nurse, what're you doing in here?
GREG
(swallows, nervous)
Get ting engaged.. ?
EXT. THE SKIES OVER CHICAGO - DAY
A vintage BI-PLANE wings over Chicago on a hot Summer day,
pulling behind it a bright mylar BANNER: "Marry Me, Pam"
ROLL CREDITS as it passes landmarks-- the Sears Tower, State
Street, the Loop, until it banks toward WRIGLEY FIELD.
INT.

WRIGLEY FIELD STADIUM - THE PLAYING FIELD - SAME

A play's in progress.

A Cub slides horne he's... SAFE!

IN THE STANDS-- the crowd goes nuts, including GREG,

donning a well-worn Cubs cap and PAM BURNS, late 20's and
smiling under the brim of her (hometown team) Yankees cap.
PAM/GREG
Wait to hustle! Cubbies!

Yeah!

They turn and do a one-hand, high-five-Iow-five thing,

then sit back down in their seats, with their $5 beers.
PAM
So, still think baseball's boring?
GREG
C'mon, I never said boring.
I just
said someday they may need to... add
something. Liven it up a little.
PAM
Like the NBA did with the 3 pt. shot.

8 / 13 / 99 Pg. 2

GREG
Exactly. Nothing major, maybe just a ...
live bull, roaming the outfield.
PAM
I like that. He can run amok, gore
some players, graze between innings...
GREG
...and then it's back to the bullpen.
KRACK!
SOSA lines one to center, and as Pam stands and
gives an ear-splitting, two-fingered WHISTLE...
Greg eyes his watch, then pulls some Bushnell binoculars
from a case under his seat. He eyes the skyline.
BINOC POV: A speck approaches from the West.

The plane.

Greg lowers the binocs, turns, and gives a subtle nod to-A VENDOR, waiting at the top of the aisle. He sees Greg's
signal, nods, reaches in his pants pocket, and pulls out-A BOX OF CRACKERJACK, its foil glinting in the sun.
he starts down the aisle, lugging a box of PEANUTS.

Then

VENDOR
Peanuts!
Peanuts here! Feed your
whole family for a buck!
Greg settles back in his seat and drapes an arm around
Pam, who's busily filling in her program's scorecard.
He takes a deep breath. The big moment's finally here.
GREG
Pam?
PAM
Uh-huh...
GREG
I love you.
PAM
(looks up, smiles)
I love you.
This isn't news,

just affirmation.

GREG
I mean, these last ten months have
just been the... happiest of my life.
PAM
For me too.

8/13/99 Pg. 3

GREG
And I was thinking, here we are,
happy together, in a place we both
love, so maybe it's time we, y' know...
VENDOR
CRACKERJACK!
GREG
...got Crackerjack. Want one?
(before she can answer)
Crackerjack!
Greg motions to the Vendor who nods, throws the box, and-A shirtless, cardboard-beer-tray-hat-wearing FAN named
HOOTIE reaches up and SNAGS IT, mid-air.
Crackerjack!

HOOTIE
All right!

He slaps five with his BEER BUDDY beside him.

Greg pales.

GREG
Hey, hey, that's my Crackerjack!
HOOTIE
Calm down, buddy, there's more.
(to Vendor)
Toss Chicken Little here a box.
VENDOR
That's the only one I got.
(shrugs, to Greg)
Sorry, Mister.
I tried.
He turns and starts back up the aisle.

Greg jumps up--

GREG
But that's my Crackerjack!
--and starts squeezing past people's knees, toward Hootie.

PAM
Honey, it's okay, I don't want it-Greg keeps going.
Pam slumps in her seat, embarrassed,
and as Hootie puts a thumbnail to the foil package lid...
GREG
Whoa, whoa, don't open that!
HOOTIE
What's your problem, asshole?

8/13 /99 Pg. 4

GREG
Look, I really need that Crackerjack.
There's a surprise inside and-HOOTIE
No shit-- there's a surprise inside
every box of Crackerjack.
BEER-BUDDY laughs, Hooty hoots, and as Greg sweats-A PLANE ENGINE WHINES. The plane's turning, about to buzz
the field.
Greg whips out his wallet, whirls to Hootie.
GREG
I'll give you a hundred for it.
He yanks out a Franklin.

A BEACH BALL banks off his head.

HOOTIE
A hundred bucks?
A PEEVED FAN BEHIND THEM
DOWN IN FRONT.
GREG
(spins, barks)
RELAX, LADY!
(back to Hootie)
A hundred bucks, c'mon, you want the
money or what's in the box?!
HOOTIE
What are you, Monty F-ing Hall?
BEER-BUDDY
Take the money, Hootie.
OTHER FANS AROUND THEM
Yeah, take the money. The cash.
HOOTIE
I'll take the mo-Greg snatches the box, tosses him the c-note, spins back...
And here comes Pam, squeezing past knees, PAGER in hand.
GREG
Pam, wait, where are you going?
I got beeped.

.J

PAM
It's marked urgent.

GREG
But honey, I got us Crackerjack!
Caramel corn, candied peanuts-He rips the lid off and yanks out the surprise packet.

8/13 /99 Pg. 5

GREG
--and a surprise!

Quick, open it.

PAM
Greg, c'mon. What if it's a buyer
for that condo I just listed?
She squeezes by him and starts up the aisle. Greg gapes,
spins toward the field-- the bi-plane's diving fast.
GREG
Dammit!
He leaps to the aisle, tears open the packet, and shakes
out a BRILLIANT DIAMOND RING. Hootie sees this, smacks
his Buddy's head, and as Greg drops to one knee, right in
the aisle, the ring in his hand and "Marry Me, Pam" framed
perfectly behind him...
GREG
PAM!
KRACK! A HIT. The Crowd CHEERS, drowning Greg out as Pam
continues up the aisle. Greg pales-- can't believe it.
The plane climbs from sight.
It's over. ...Or is it?
EXT.

STADIUM DECK - SECONDS LATER

Packed with people. Greg runs up the stairs, looks around,

then spies A BANK OF PAYPHONES. Pam's in one, facing away.
INT.

PAYPHONE BOOTH

- SECOND LATER

Pam, cupping an ear, nods and hangs up the phone.

And as Greg strides up, determined, ready to do this...
She spins, her face like ash. Greg hits the brakes.
GREG
Honey, what's wrong?
PAM
It's Debbie...
GREG
Is she dead?
PAM
She's engaged.
GREG
What?
PAM
(huffs a smile, eyes wet)
Can you believe it? My baby
sister's getting married.

8/13 /99 Pg. 6

She pushes by him and starts walking.

Greg on her heels.

PAM
You know, it's perfect, really.
Deb's always done everything my
parents have ever wanted.
GREG
Who's she marrying?
Yes, Bob.

That guy?

PAM
"Doctor" Bob of Denver...

GREG
But they just met. She's known him
what, five, maybe six months?
PAM
What's it matter? He asked and she
said yes. Actually, he asked my Dad,
he said yes, and then he asked Debbie...
GREG
He had to ask your Dad's permission?
PAM
Of course, otherwise Dad would freak.
They're getting married there, too.
At my parents house, in two weeks.
GREG
At your parents? In two weeks?
PAM
Dr. Bob has to start his residency.
He's transferring to NYU next month.
They reach the top of their aisle.

Pam stops, turns.

PAM (cont'd)
Can we please not talk about this?
I just want to watch the damn game.
Greg nods and smiles, wan.

The moment's dead.

GREG
Sure...
Pam turns and starts down the aisle. Greg sighs, opens his
fist, and eyes the ring. He was so close. He pockets it,
pulls out a Camel, lights up, and there's a SQUEAL as-A WOMAN runs, arms out, toward her beer-buying BOYFRIEND.
WOMAN
I saw it, baby! Yes!

YES.

8/13/99 Pg.

BUZZED BOYFRIEND
Pam-- woah, whazzup...?
WOMAN (\\ PAM" )
We're getting married, everybody!
She covers him with kisses as the Crowd around them CHEERS.
We are?

BUZZED BOYFRIEND
That's cool...

They kiss to more cheers, and as Greg watches, pained...

INT.

O'HARE INT'L. AIRPORT - DAY

Twelve days later.

Greg and Pam walk the crowded terminal.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Attention please, Flight 531 to
LaGuardia, now boarding, Gate 17...
PAM
That's our flight.

You nervous?

GREG
A little. But I'll drink a lot, hold
on tight, and hopefully if something
tragic happens, we'll both walk away.
PAM
I meant about meeting my parents...
GREG
Yeah, me too.
He grins, winks.

As they stop at the Metal Detector line...

PAM
Greg... you're not really worried
about this weekend, are you?
GREG
No... I mean, this weekend's not
really about me.
It's about the
wedding, and Debbie and Dr. Bob.
She passes through the detector, Greg waiting his turn.
GREG (cont'd)
Which is great, because this way I
can show up, meet everybody, have
fun and just... stay under the radar.
BEEEEEEP!! Greg sets off the ALARM. Heads jerk, people
stare, and a large, no-neck SECURITY GUY approaches him.

8/13/99 Pg. 8

SECURITY GUY
Step aside sir and empty your
pockets into the tray.
GREG
(sees Pam is watching)
I... can't do that right now.
SECURITY GUY
(pulls out magnetic wand)
Spread your arms and legs, sir.
GREG
Is this really necessary? It's not
like I said I've got a bomb or(catching himself)
--jacket, a bomber jacket, y'know,
like Indiana Jones wears...
Greg winces, amazed by his lameness. The "wand" BEEPS as
it passes over his pants pocket.
Pam calls over to him...
PAM
Greg, honey, everything okay?
Fine, yeah.

GREG
Go on, I'll catch up.

PAM
That's okay, I can wait.
GREG
(sotto, to Security GUy)
Look, help me out here. That piece
of metal in my pants, it's jewelry...
SECURITY GUY
Scrotum ring.
GREG
What? No-- it's an engagement ring,
for my girlfriend, and she's right
over there, so if I whip it out-SECURITY GUY
Turn your back, let me see it, then
put it in your bag and on the belt.
Greg does just that, zipping the box into a bag side-pocket
and placing it on X-Ray conveyer belt. Another wand-check...
SECURITY GUY
He's clear .
...And Greg steps through, just in time to watch a SECURITY
WOMAN try to fit his bag in a carry-on-maximum-size-frame.

8/13/99 Pg. 9

SECURITY WOMAN
But his bag's too big for carry-on.
(slides bag to a SkyCap)
531 to New York LaGuardia. Check it.
The SKYCAP hands Greg a claim-check.
INT.

As he stares, stunned..

BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - LAGUARDIA - 3 HOURS LATER

...Greg and Pam stand alone under a "Welcome To New York"

sign, watching the chute of a now-empty carousel. And as
"FIt. 531" on the display flips to the next flight number...
GREG
SHIT.
INT.

"LOST LUGGAGE" COUNTER - MOMENTS LATER

Greg strides up to the lone LADY CLERK, who's just handed

a claim form to the MOTHER of a gurgling INFANT.
GREG
Hi, you lost my bag and there was a
two-carat diamond ring inside.
CLERK
Sir, I didn't lose your anything.
But
fill out a form and if we can't find
it we will compensate up to $1,200.
The baby SCREECHES in Greg's ear.
What?

GREG
The ring cost three times that!

CLERK
I'm sure it did, sir, which is why we
urge all fliers to carry on valuables.
GREG
Yeah, well, I was carrying it until
your damn airline made me check it.
(desperation mode)
Look, I really need that bag.
I'm
here for a wedding and afterwards I'm
going to propose to my girlfriend.
CLERK
Sir, put the address you're staying
and we will ship it when it surfaces.
The baby'S really cranky now-- crying, gasping, coughing.
Mom tries burping him over her shoulder.

8/13 /99 Pg. 10

GREG (cont'd)
And what if it doesn't? Am I
supposed to spend the entire weekend
with just the clothes on my back?
GYAAAKl

EXT.

The baby PROJECTILE VOMITS allover Greg's shirt.

ACCESS ROAD LEAVING LAGUARDIA - LATER

A teal Ford Taurus slogs its way through heavy traffic.

INT.

THE TAURUS

Greg drives, moping.

His shirt now completely wet.

GREG
I still smell it.

Smell it?

PAM
All I smell is Men's Room soap. And
maybe a hint of strained squash.
GREG
I can't believe they lost my bag...
PAM
It'll turn up. And if doesn't,
$1200 buys a lot of khaki Dockers.
GREG
It's not the money, it's the hassle.
Haven't you ever lost a bag before?
No.

PAM
But then, I've never checked one.

GREG
How is that possible? Everyone has
to check a bag eventually.
PAM
Not in my family. Dad never let us
pack more than we could carry. He
doesn't trust people with his... things.
GREG
They don't think it's weird, do they,
that it's taken so long to meet them?
PAM
No. They know how busy we've both
been. And it's not like Chicago to
New York's a day trip.
It's all fine.
If anything, waiting this long has
only made them want to meet you more.

J!6 Everyman Pictures

~ 323 850-3585

~ 8/12/99

C9 9:59 AM

~ 1/1

8/13/99 Pq. 11

..

GREG
Really...
PA"'1

know every Sunday night, when my

Dad calls? He asks me about you.

Y~u

Oh yeah?

GREG
And what've you told him?
PAl'1

Just that you're cute, filthy rich,

and the best sex I've had since
Dennis Rodman left Chicago.
GREG
Are you serious? That's exactly
what I told my parents about you.

PAM
(laughs, then)
Oh, by the way. Once we're there,
go easy on the jokes. Humor is
entirely wasted on my parents.
GREG
You crack wise all the time.

Really?

PAM
Not home I don't. There's no point
since they never, ever get them.
GREG
No jokes, okay. What else? More
hi nts, c' mon, keep 'em comi ng...
EXT.

TEE EASTBOUND L.I.E. - DAY -

h~TER

The Taurus bats along, the blue Atlantic now in the b.g.
D-I-N-A
INT.

GREG (0. S.)

"Deena Burns."

"Dee~a."

TEE TAURUS
GREG
(rhy":hmic)
Looks-li~e-Dinah-but-say-it-"Deena."

P.r...'1

Right. ~nd ~er fr:ends call her Cee

out don'~ because that'd be weird.
Hi, D:na.

GREG
Hello, Jack.

"Cohn"?

8/13/99 Pg. 14

GREG (0. S.)

WOW, this is where you grew up? Who
painted your house, Norman Rockwell?
The Taurus turns into the drive on the side of the house
and parks, next to the garage and the large backyard lawn.
Greg and Pam get out, Greg popping the trunk and getting
Pam's bag. He slams the trunk, goes to pocket the key...
GREG
Guess I better leave these here .
...and pulls out a half-smoked PACK OF CAMELS.

Pam wigs.

PAM
Greg-- you brought cigarettes? We
discussed this-- my parents see
smoking as a sign of weakness.
GREG
I know-- I brought 'em for the trip
back.
I'll leave 'em in the car...
PAM
I don't want you to leave them in
the car.
It's too tempting. Here...
~

..

Greg sighs, hands 'em over. Pam looks around for a trash
can, finds none, so she whirls and HUCKS 'em high up onto...
EXT.

THE HOME'S ROOFTOP

...where they land and slide down some shingles before

stopping in a leaf-clogged gutter beside a big elm tree.
EXT.

DRIVEWAY
GREG
Gonna be a long weekend...
PAM
It's going to be a great weekend.
You're going to meet my family and
they're going to love you just like
I love you, okay sweety-peaty?
(walks up, little kiss)
I know they will.

EXT.

BURNS HOME - FRONT PORCH - SECONDS LATER

The door flies open to reveal JACK AND DINA BURNS. Jack's
in his 50's but hardly looks it. Dina is similarly
attractive and both sport huge, welcoming smiles.
Immediately, Jack and Pam rush to one another, arms wide.

8/13/99 Pg. 15

JACK/PAM
Hey Sweet-Peal/Daddy!
They meet at the steps and embrace, Pam pulling her legs
up behind her as Jack hugs her and eskimo-kisses her nose.
JACK
Oh, baby, I missed you, Pam-Cake.
PAM
Missed you too, Flap-Jack.
They giggle like kids, Dina "cutting in" to give Pam a
peck on the cheek (then licking a finger to wipe off her
lipstick) as Jack heads for Greg, smiling big, hand out.
JACK
Greg? Or do you prefer Gregory?
Jack Burns, Pam's Father.
Hi Jack.

GREG
Great to finally meet you.

Greg extends a hand and they shake.

Hello, Greg.

Dina steps down.

DINA
Welcome to Bayport.

GREG
Thanks, Dinah. Dee-na, darn-(chagrined, to Pam)
Saw that one coming, didn't we.
DINA
Don't worry, happens all the time.
JACK
(looks to driveway)
So, what're you driving there?

Ford?

GREG
Yeah, the new Taurus. We were going
to rent a mid-size but I figured
hey, I'm pulling down decent bucks,
why not pop for a full-size car?
Pam shoots him a smile, knows he's trying too hard.
JACK
Interesting color.

You pick it?

GREG
Oh, no, it's just what the Hertz guy
gave me.
It's some kind of... green.

8/13/99 Pg. lE

.J

JACK
They say geniuses pick green .

.. ---.~.~

DINA
What smells like old, sour milk?
PAM
Oh, Greg got spit-up on by a baby.
DINA
He didn't.
PAM
Yeah, Mom, he did.
GREG
At the "Lost Luggage" counter...
PAM
The airline lost Greg's bag.
DINA
They didn't.
PAM
Yeah, Mom, they did.
JACK
Well, you check your bag you take
your chances. The airlines have
gone to hell since deregulation.
DINA
I'm sure i t ' l l turn up. Meantime
Greg, if you need anything, just ask.
JACK
(throws an arm around Greg)
That's right. Mi casa es su casa.
Thanks, Jack.

GREG
You too.

He squints, realizing that made no sense.

JACK
(ushering them in)
Well, check your feet everybody and
c'mon in. We'll have some drinks, a
little snack-- Dee's got a tray full
of pu-pu' s browning in the oven...
DINA
Pu-pu's, Greg, if you're wondering,
is Hawaiian for "hors d'ouevre."

8/13 /99 Pg. 17

GREG
Which, I guess, is French for
upretentious snack."

",y

DINA
(smiles at Greg, impressed)
You know, I never knew that?
PAM
(shoots Greg a look)
Mom, he was making a joke...
Oh, I see.

DINA
Yes, that's funny.

And as Jack slams the door shut behind them...

INT.

BURNS HOME - FOYER - CONTINUOUS

...a PERSIAN CAT runs over, Jack scooping him up.

Jinxy!

JACK
Hey buddy!

How's my pal?

Jack puts his face right up to the cat's face, mirroring

Jinxy's expression as they both being to U mew ."
JACK
Mew-mew-mew... Look Jinxy, your
sister's here, Pammy's home.
PAM
Greg, meet Mr. Jinx.

Jinx, Greg.

GREG
Hi, Jinx.
JACK
(stroking Jinx's fur)
Greg-- Jinxy here's strictly an
indoor cat, so don't let him out.
DINA
Jack just taught Jinx to use the potty.
You did?

PAM
Dad, that' s so weird...

JACK
What's weird about it? It's nice not
having to smell a litter box.
GREG
Wait, you taught your cat to use the
toilet? How'd you do that?

8/13/99 Pg. 18

JACK
It was easy.
I designed a litter box
to fit inside the bowl, and once he
got used to it, I took the box away.
DINA
Though I'm not sure Jinx likes it.
Every chance he gets, he tries to
dig, squat, and bury. We had to
move all our potted plants outside...

PAM
Forget Jinx-- I'm not sure I like it.
Sharing the bathroom wi th a-cat...
GREG
Yeah, and now there's one more male in
the house to leave the darn seat up.
JACK
Jinx can't lift the seat. He lacks
the strength and the opposable thumbs.
GREG
(nods, as if enlightened)
Oh, that's right...
DINA
You a cat lover too, Greg?

... /

PAM
No, Greg hates cats.
Whoops.

Pam instantly shoots Greg a "sorry" look.

GREG
I, uh" wouldn't say I "hate" them.
I'm just more of a dog lover...
JACK
You can love dogs and not hate cats.
GREG
That ' s... true, but I grew up around
dogs and... I don't know, cats just
seem to be more into themselves.
(as Jinx MEOWS)
See? Everything they say starts
with "me."

Jinx HISSES at Greg and leaps from Jack's grasp, scampering

up the stairs. Jack turns and hands Pam's bag to his wife .

.J

JACK
Dina honey, run this bag upstairs
while I fix the kids some hi-balls.

GREG
That's okay, Jack, I can take it-Too late.

Dina's heading upstairs, bag in hand.

PAM
Oh, and Mom? Could you grab a clean
shirt from Denny's for Greg to wear?
DINA
Of course, dear. Be right back...
JACK
So, who's ready for a drink?
GREG
A drink sounds great, thanks.
PAM
You start, I need a pit-stop.
I
haven' t tinkled since Chicago...

She peels off for the hallway powderoom, Greg shooting her
a "hurry back" look as Jack steers him to the kitchen.
JACK
So Greg, what're you drinking?
got beer, wine, hard stuff...

GREG
A beer sounds good.
JACK
Denny's at a friend's, so i t ' l l just
be the four of us tonight. And I
guess you know Deb and Bob are still
in Denver, visiting his relatives...
INT.

THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

JACK (cont'd)
You like Bud, Coors, Becks, Hatuey... ?
Hatuey.

GREG
That's a Cuban beer, right?

Jack pulls a pair of frosted-mugs from the freezer.

Right.

JACK
When were you there?
GREG

Sorry?
JACK
When were you in Cuba, drinking beer?

8/13/99 Pg. 20

GREG
Oh-- I wasn't. No, see, myoId
roomie in college had this huge beer
collection and I remember he had
Hatuey, but he only had one bottle
since it was so hard to get.
I
always wondered how it tasted...
Jack opens the fridge to reveal a lone sixer of Bud.
JACK
Gosh, what do you know? I'm fresh
out of Hatuey. How 'bout a Bud?
He grabs two, shuts the fridge, starts to pour...
JACK
Beer collection. Y'know, I collect
things, too? C'mon, I'll show you.
INT.

JACK'S DEN/OFFICE - SECONDS LATER

A wood paneled room, full of bookshelves, big cherry-wood

desk, cluttered shelves, and walls full of framed photos.
A leather chair and matching sofa-bed line one wall, a
small bathroom another, right beside a door that leads to
the home's screened back porch.
Greg, beer in hand, watches as Jack unlocks the latch of
an accordion-style vinyl door and slides it back to reveal
a niche in the wall, the size of a walk-in closet.
And as Jack flips a light on, Greg gapes.
It's not so
much a collection as a SHRINE. To the C.I.A.
A large, enamel SEAL OF THE C.I.A. hangs front and center,
flanked by a framed portrait of (Former Agency Head)
William Colby and a PLAQUE bearing the C.I.A Creed: "You
Shall Know The Truth and The Truth Shall Set You Free."
GREG
Wow...
JACK
Some guys have trains, or stamps.
collect intelligence memorabilia.

.J

He flips another switch and illuminates glass cases and

shelves displaying 50-plus years of Cold War Gadgetry.
Cypher Machines, Listening Devices, Various "concealed"
weapons-- e.g. a briefcase rifle and a walking cane with a
hidden dagger handle. Another wall has a trio of framed
"data printouts" alongside photos of three infamous SPIES .

GREG
Are those, what's the word... polygrams?
JACK
Polygraphs, right. And those aren't
copies-- they're original read-outs.
(pointing to print-outs)
That's Alger Hiss, Julius and Ethel
Rosenberg, Aldrich Ames... and the
very data that sealed their fate.
GREG
Hey Jack, just how accurate is your
average polygram? Because I've
heard people say they're really not.
That, y'know, people can beat them.
JACK
(smiles, amused)
You've uheard that", huh? In truth,
it's extremely hard to fool a
reliable machine and an experienced
case officer. Let me show you why.
He gestures to a chair, and as Greg takes a seat Jack
opens a drawer to reveal a POLYGRAPH MACHINE. And while
the majority of Jack's collection is uvintage" , this
particular piece looks state-of-the-art, and barely used.
JACK (cont'd)
An Agency-sanctioned model like this
measures response on three levels.
He holds up what looks like a blood-pressure cuff...
JACK (cont'd)
It has a cuff to gauge your Cardio...
...and casually velcros it around Greg's left arm.
GREG
Oh hey. Just like the blood pressure
cuffs we use in the hospital_
Jack pulls out a larger strap/belt with two outputs.
JACK
It has two sets of upneumos" to read
and record respiratory activity...
He slips the belt around Greg's torso and cinches it.
Wow.

GREG
That'll make you nervous.

8/13/99 Pg. 22

JACK
And these thimbles on your fingertips
will chart Galvanic Skin Response...
GREG
(as Jack slides them on)
You mean like sweat.
JACK
More than sweat. Neuro-chemical
reactions, in and under the skin.
He flips the machine on, its console lighting up and five
"pens" centering on five lines of the graph paper, which
starts to roll, the pens marking an initial base reading.
JACK (cont' d)
So with this many bases covered, you
can see it's not an easy tool to fool.
GREG
Oh, definitely...
JACK
Pam tell you I was in the CIA?
GREG
What?
ON THE GRAPH-- all five pens skate across the paper.
The CIA.

JACK
I retired last year.

No kidding.

GREG
Wow, congratulations.

He glances at his richter-response to Question One.

JACK
She didn't mention that, huh?
GREG
That you were retired?
(as pens spike again)
YES, yes, she did mention that.
She
definitely said you were retired.

What?

JACK
From the CIA...
GREG
(knows he's fucked, so... )
OUCH. Jack? OW. Can we turn this
thing off? I think the cardio cuff
seam's right on my bicipital artery.

Shit.

8/13/99 Pg. 2:

JACK
(undoing cuff)
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
put it on right...

Maybe I didn't

GREG
(unstrapping pneumos)
No, I'm sure you did, it's just, I
have a low threshold for pain...
(pulling off GSR thimbles)
But thank you for showing me that.
It's really an amazing machine.
JACK
Yes it is. People who know will tell
you, the polygraph is the single most
important tool in the perpetual fight
against the evils of penetration.
He flips the machine off, then the shrine's lights, and
they step out, shutting the accordion door behind them.
JACK
Let's find Pam and see what's keeping
Dee. Whaddya bet she made a pit-stop?
GREG
All I know is, I can smell her pupU's and I bet they're brown.
JACK
What?
GREG
Dina's hors d'ouevres?

In the oven?

The OVEN TIMER sounds upstairs, Greg saved by the buzzer.

JACK
Oh-- the snacks. Jesus, I give her
one little thing to do...
(turns, heads for kitchen)
Dina?! The Pu-Pu's honey, let's go!
(whirls back to Greg)
C'mon, Greg.
It's Happy Hour.
INT.

BURNS' HOME "GREAT ROOM" - MOMENTS LATER

Take a Family Room, remodel it, and suddenly it's "Great."

This particular G.R. is open to the kitchen, and also
features a large SCREENED PORCH overlooking the backyard .

.J

BY THE ENTERTAINMENT CENTER - Jack flips through a highlyorganized (alphanumeric, and by theme) CD RACK until he
finds the appropriate disk, "MUSIC FOR COCKTAILS," while...

8/13/99 Pg. 25

GREG
What's that-- what's Three Questions.
PAM
A profiling technique. They ask you
three questions in a row.
If you only
answer the first two, it won't work.
But if you answer the third, that's
it. They somehow know all about you...
(beat, opens screen door)
My Dad explained it to me once, but
I didn't really get it. Look, just
try to relax, okay? They like you...
INT.

THE GREAT ROOM - CONTINUOUS

They step back inside, Jack now standing at the wet-bar.

JACK
Pamcake, I made you a spritzer.
PAM
Good call, Pop. Thanks.
JACK
Greg-- how 'bout another drink?
GREG
Sure, Jack.
JACK
What'll you have?
GREG
Oh, whatever you're having...
Tom Collins.
That's three.

JACK
How do you like it?

Greg shoots a panicked look to Pam.

PAM
Pour him a stiff one, Daddy.
(sotto, to Greg)
Might loosen you up a bi t ...
JACK
(pouring the booze)
Greg, it might look I'm making it
weak but I'm using Tom Collins Cubes.
He holds up an ice-cube tray filled with yellow-green
"Collins" cubes, plopping them into a glass with vodka.
JACK (cont'd)
Using ice just dilutes your booze...

8/13/99 Pg. 24

IN THE KITCHEN - Dina arranges a pu-pu platter, and..

--;....-.

ON THE BACK PORCH - Greg and Pam stand at the railing,

enjoying a view of the lush and spacious Burns backyard.
Greg looks anxious. Even more so considering he is now
wearing Denny's "INSANE CLOWN POSSE" t-shirt featuring a
pair of bloody-fanged Bozos atop a flaming pentagram.
GREG
...next thing I know, I'm all hooked
up and he's asking me questions...
PAM
What kind of questions?
GREG
Like did I know he was in the CIA?
No.

PAM
What'd you say?

GREG
Nothing, I lied.
You lied?

PAM
Greg--

JACK
(calling, heading for bar)
Happy hour, kids! Come'n'get happy.
PAM
(calling back)
In a second, Daddy.
(to Greg, concerned)
You lied to my Father's polygraph... ?
GREG
I didn't know what else to do. You
told me not to tell him you told me
and now your Dad thinks I'm a liar_
PAM
(sighs, then, consoling)
Look, don't worry, he shows that
stupid polygraph to everyone-- it's
like a toy to him. Believe me, if
Dad wanted to pick your brain, he
wouldn't need a machine. He is one.
(turning to head inside)
He was a spy for 30 years, he knows
every trick there is. How to read
pupils, or measure fear by how your
breath smells, or The Three Questions...

8/13/99 Pg. 26

Dina walks over with a pu-pu platter (egg rolls, pizza

rolls, bagel-bites), and as they all gather 'round...
Pam smiles, happy this moment is finally here.
PAM
Well, this was long overdue.

Toast?

JACK
Terrific idea, Pam. A toast, to the
future Dr. and Mrs. Banks.
DINA
And a wonderful wedding and weekend.
They toast, Pam smiling despite this not being what she
had in mind. And as all four "clink", drink, and sit...
GREG
So, Bob's last name is "Banks"?
DINA
Right, Dr. Robert Banks.
Isn't it
fantastic Deb can keep her initials?
JACK
Plus, now we can give them my
Mother's monogranuned. silver set...
PAM
(another dream dashed)
Wow, that's really generous.
I've
always loved Grandmother's silver...
JACK
Your Nana had taste.

Love you, Ma.

He raises his glass to the fireplace mantel, where a PHOTO

OF MOM hangs above an URN marked "Burns." The family joins
him, Pam shooting Greg a "do it" look, and as they all sip...
DINA
You have a unique last name, Greg.
We were curious how it's pronounced.
GREG
Just like it's spelled.

F-O-C-K-E-R.

JACK AND DINA

"Focker."
GREG

Jahohl.

Ieh bein ein Faeker.

(off their blank stares)

Tha t 's German.
Focker' s... German.

....-/.
They nod.

Pam, slightly horrified, switches subjects.

8/13/99 Pg. 27

PAM
So Greg, how's your job?

: (.';/

GREG
(kinda confused she's asking)
...good, Pam. Thanks for asking.
(then, to parents)
I just got transferred to Triage.
DINA
(sits up, hopeful)
Oh, is that better than a nurse?
PAM
Mom, Triage is a unit in the E.R.
All the top nurses work Triage.
GREG
E.R. work is such an adrenaline rush.
I mean, on top of the high you get
naturally just from helping people...
DINA
You know, Jack's new career is
helping people, too. Honey, did you
show Greg your "Nanny Cams"?
Not yet.

JACK
Sit tight, let me show you.

Jack's up now, heading for his TV/VCR.

JACK (cont'd)
I started a "home surveillance"
company. Larry's going in on it.
DINA
Larry is Bob's-- Debbie's Bob's-father, and Linda's husband.
Well,
third husband so I guess that makes
her Debbie's step-mom-in-law-to-be.
No one cares. Jack hits "Rewind" on the tape deck, and
then plucks a big, dopey-looking TEDDY BEAR off a shelf.
JACK
Greg, what's this look like to you?
He tosses Greg the teddy.

Greg looking slightly confused.

GREG
A... bear?
1

.-.-/

Jack flips on the TV, it flickers, and ON THE TV-A B&W image of Greg appears-- from the bear's P.G.V.

8/13/99 Pg. 21

JACK
Smile, you're on Nan-ny Cam-ra.
GREG
Oh wow, I've seen these on TV.
(laughs, to Pam)
Remember that dopey sitcom we were
watching, and the couple rented one
and forgot it was on--?
JACK
This is nothing like a sitcom, Greg.
Inside this bear's head is the
world's smallest pinhole, Zero-Lux
camera with a 900 Mhz transmitter
that sends to a lithium-powered VCR.
It's state-of-the-art, all the way,
custom-made by government contractors
exclusively for my company.
GREG
(trying to recover)
Wow... a-LUX and battery operated...
He flips the bear upside down, looking for the components.
As he does, the bear's eyeball lens swings toward the
sofa, where Dina's sitting, and...
-~-

ON THE TV NOW-- is a perfect panty-shot up Dina's skirt.

Fortunately, all eyes are on Greg.
DINA
Did Jack tell you he's ex-C.I.A?
GREG
Yes, actually, he did mention that.
JACK
And that's not for broadcast.
I may
be retired, but I still know things
that could end life as we know it.
Not to worry.

GREG
I'm very discreet.

Greg looks up to see DINA'S CROTCH looming large on the TV

screen. He yanks the bear up, before anyone notices.

,--,,"

DINA
I must say, it's been interesting
being married to a spy.
Sometimes
Jack would leave at night and not
say where he'S going, or the phone
would ring and he'd have to take it
in another room and lock the door...

8/13 /99 Pg. 29

..

PAM
Not to mention how he'd spy on me
and my dates .
JACK
Now, honey, I never "spied."
"Observed" is more like it.
He shoots a wink at Greg.
PAM
Well Kevin and I got pretty tired of
you "observing" us on the back porch.
JACK
Can't blame a man for wanting to
know what goes on inside his own
house. Greg-- my bear, please?
(as Greg tosses bear back)
Teddy here is our biggest rental, but
we've got wall clocks, mirrors,
smoke-alarms, and my latest-- a
pinhole camera that fits completely
inside an electrical outlet.
A nearby PHONE rings.

Dina starts to rise...

DINA

I'll get it.

JACK
No, no, Dee. You sit and and enjoy
your drink, I'm already up.
He gets up and starts for the kitchen.

Greg brightens.

GREG
Hey, maybe it's the airline.
DINA
I'm sure it is. More pu-pus?
GREG
Thanks, but I'm pretty pu-pu'd out.
ACROSS THE ROOM-- is a desk, a corkboard full of wedding
info (guest lists, seating charts, etc.) and a LAPTOP.
Nice laptop.

GREG (cont'd)
What kind of chip?

DINA
Y'know, I don't know? I just finished
typing Jack's itinerary for our superbusy weekend.
I just need to proof.

8/13/99 Pg. 30

GREG
Why don't you just let your computer
proof it? It must have a spell-check.
DINA
It might, but I've never used it.
Oh.

GREG
Well, I'm computer literate--

PAM
He's practically an expert.
GREG
- -and I'd be glad to run it for you...
INT.

KITCHEN

Jack shuts the swinging door behind him, grabs the phone.
JACK
Hello? Yeah, I barely beat her to
the phone.
(pause)
If she ever
does, you just hang up quick, okay?
(turns to watch door)
So when are we getting together?
Yeah, I think I can swing it. How
'bout outside the Buy-Rite? Good.

- .. /

He takes the bottle of Buy-Rite Collins mix from the

counter and starts pouring it down the sink.
JACK (cont'd)
I'm excited too.
See you in a bit.
INT.

GREAT ROOM - IN DINA'S. "OFFICE"

Greg's at the laptop, Pam and Dina standing behind him.

GREG
"No misspelled words found." How
about that? Looks like you're a
letter-perfect typist, Dina.
Jack re-enters from the kitchen.
DINA
Was it the airline, honey?
JACK
No, wrong number.
(holds up empty bottle)
And we're out of Collins Mix.
I'm
gonna make a run to the Buy-Rite.

What?

8/13 /99 Pg. 31

.;../

GREG
Jack, mind if I tag along? I just
realized if my bag doesn't come by
tonight I'll need a few essentials.
JACK
I'm sure it'll come. Airlines have
never been sharper. Stay. Relax.
PAM
Oh Greg? Can you pick me up a
scrunchy? I forgot to pack one.
JACK
Honey, Buy-Rite has no scrunchies.
(then, backing off)
I mean, they didn't last I looked.
PAM
Whey were you looking for a scrunchy?
JACK
(changes tack, gas1ighting)
I wasn't looking for kim-chee, dear,
why on Earth would I want that?

,..

"Kim-chee"?

GREG
The Korean sauerkraut?

PAM
Not kim-chee, Dad.

A scrunchy.

JACK
Ohhhh, well they might have that.
You coming Greg? If so, let's go.
He jangles his car-keys and heads off down the hall.
GREG
Be right back...
He turns and follows Jack.

A beaming Dina turns to Pam.

DINA
Oh Pam, he seems wonderful.
He is, Mom.

PAM
He's such a great guy.

DINA
And you two have been together
almost a year now. Have you been
thinking about anything... permanent?

8/

PAM
Well... Greg and I haven't exactly
discussed it but-- yes, I'd say we're
absolutely thinking "permanent."
And as the two women give a little squeal, and embrace...
INT.

JACK'S 1998 BUICK - ROLLING THROUGH SUBURBIA - DAY

They ride in deafening silence, Greg subtly struggling to

strike up a conversation. Finally...
GREG
Car rides smooth.

JACK
Big day Saturday.

JACK
This little to-do's gonna set me back
20 g's. We're expecting two hundred.
GREG
Two hundred? That's great
considering the short notice.
JACK
Yeah, it's been tricky with a threeweek engagement but you know, when
it's right, you don't need time to
think about it. Dina and I married
two months after we met, and next
month is our 25 th anniversary...
Twenty-five.

GREG
Congratulations.

JACK
I was a lucky man the day I met Dina...
GREG
That's kind of the way I feel about
Pam.
In fact, I'm glad we have a
moment to talk here, Jack, because-JACK
How come you don't like cats?
GREG
(beat, taken aback)
It's... not that I don't like them.
I
just happen to prefer dogs more.
(continues, off Jack's stare)
Because I think it's nice, y'know, to
come home and they're there, wagging
their Ii' I tail, all happy to see you...

8/13/99 Pg. 33

JACK
You need that assurance, do you? You
prefer an emotionally... shallow animal.
GREG
I ...

JACK
See Greg, if you yell at a dog, his
ears will go down and his tail will
covers his genitals even if he's
done nothing wrong.
It's very easy
to break a dog. But cats make you
work for their affection. You can
scold or threaten a feline and never
know if you're getting through
because a cat protects its pride.
Cats don't "sellout" like dogs do.
Huh.

GREG
Maybe I was wrong about cats.

JACK
And a cat won't kiss your ass for
acceptance.
(hitting play on CD)
You like Peter, Paul, and Mary?
Greg hesitates, not sure whether to be honest or to kiss
Jack's ass for acceptance. Puff the Magic Dragon comes on.
GREG
Sure.
"Puff the Magic Dragon." You
know I actually wrote a paper about
this song back in college? About
how it' s , y' know, about weed..
JACK
What?
This is clearly news to Jack.

But Greg's committed, so...

GREG
That "puff the magic dragon" meant
to light up, take a hit. And to
bury that in a kiddy sing-a-Iong
song-- man, that took some guts.
JACK
But... "Puff" was just the name of the
boy'S magical dragon.
(ejects CD, turns and stares)
Are you a pothead, Greg?
",,_.'

8/13/99 Pg. 34

GREG
What? No!
I mean, sure, I've had
offers, who hasn't, but believe me,
I just say no.
I pass on grass. I
strongly agree with the late Mr. T.
when he said "Dope is for dopes."

,
'.-.-.-/

Jack stares, then gives a little nod, as if convinced, but

it's clear he is not. And as Greg slumps in his seat...
JACK
Mr. T's not dead.
EXT.

BUY-RITE SUPERSTORE - DAY

Greg and Jack walk by some some coin-operated KIDDY RIDES

and FUN-HOUSE MIRRORS enroute to the sliding front doors.
JACK
Meet you back out front.
INT.

BUY-RITE

Greg turns one way, Jack the other.

Then, a few seconds
later, Jack returns and slips out the entrance.
DOWN AN AISLE-- Greg passes a shelf of Kim-Chee before
heading for the Pharmacy area, where he finds a sign:
"ALL NICOTINE PATCHES ON SALE" above an empty shelf.
He turns to a CLERK at the nearby pharmacy register.
GREG
Do you have more nicotine patches?
No.

CLERK
We have the gum.

You chew it.

He points to a shelf of Nicorette Gum.

Greg takes a box.

GREG
Oh, and what's the most expensive of
champagne you sell?
Korbel.

CLERK
On sale for $8.99.

He points to a nearby Korbel display. Greg walks over,

grabs a bottle, and then he suddenly stops, and stares...
GREG'S POV: Jack's in the parking lot, heading for a
WOMAN and her idling Lexus. She's blonde, 40's, built,
and as she gets out of the car, and she and Jack HUG...
GREG
Can you ring me up here?

8 / 13 / 9 9 Pg. 3 5

EXT.

BUY-RITE PARKING LOT - SECONDS LATER

The woman, CAROL, dangles a KEY in Jack's smiling face.

Here, Johnny.

CAROL
One key to romance.

JACK
(taking key)
I can hardly wai t ...
IN FRONT OF THE STORE - BY THE KIDDY RIDES
Greg's behind a pillar by a NEWSRACK, close enough to hear.
CAROL
You're sure Dee doesn't suspect?
JACK
She has no clue. And next week,
after the-wedding, I'll find the
right time to tell her, and we can
stop sneaking around like this.
CAROL
Hey, sneaking's ha I f the fun...
JACK
Call me if you need me.

Bye Carol.

A quick peck and she's back in her Lexus, pulling away.

But as she passes the pillar, Jack spies something...
A two-foot-tall, three-foot-wide GREG, seen from behind.
JACK
Focker?
BEHIND THE PILLAR-- Greg's confused-- how was he spotted?
Then he spins and sees a short, fat Jack coming his way.
The fun-house mirrors. Lightning fast, Greg puts his bag
down and grabs a magazine from atop the newsrack. And as
he hides his face behind an issue of "PARENTING" magazine...
JACK
Greg?
Greg whips it down, smiling as if nothing's happened.
Oh, hey Jack.

GREG
Ready to go?

JACK
(eyeing him, wary)
Been ready, they were out of
Collins. You waiting here long?

8/13/99 Pg. 36

GREG
No, I was just reading up about-He randomnly flips it open to a full-page AD for (aw, no) ...
GREG
--pumps.
JACK
Pumps.
GREG
Breast pumps, for... pumping breasts.
(off Jack's look)
I grew up on a farm.
Jack nods, wary, then turns and heads for the Buick. And as
Greg chucks the magazine aside, grabs his bag, and follows ...
INT.

BURNS HOME - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Mmmm.
Picture-perfect pot roast, steamy, fluffy potatoes,
buttery vegetables, candied yams, smoking-hot rolls. Nice.
GREG
Dina, everything looks... fabulous.
DINA
Oh, Jack planned and prepared everything. All I did was heat'n'serve.
JACK
This was always Pam's favorite
dinner growing up.
Hope it's as
good as you remember, sweet-pea.

PAM
(touched)
Dad, don't make me cry over pot roast...
They touch hands across Greg's plate.

A beat, and...

JACK
So, who wants to say "Grace"?
DINA
Jack, you always ask but then it
always winds up being you.
Not always.

JACK
How about it, Greg?

GREG
Thanks, but... I've never done it.

8/13 /99 Pg. 37

JACK
Never said "Grace." Interesting.
(shuts eyes, as do others)
Heavenly Father bless this food,
amen. Big deal, right? Dig in.
He passes a platter and dinner's underway.
Pam shoots
Greg a look-- he clearly missed an opportunity. So...
GREG
I can' t remember the
last time I had a real sit-down,
home-cooked, family dinner like this.

M:mnun... y' know,

JACK
Maybe back growing up on the farm.
PAM
(squints, confused)
I thought you grew up in Detroit.
DINA
Does Detroit have many farms?
GREG
Not... really, but our house was big,
and red, and.. we had a lot of pets.
j

JACK
Which one did you milk?
PAM
(disgusted)
Dad-JACK
Honey, he said he'd pumped milk.
PAM
What have you ever milked?
UNDER THE TABLE NOW-- Jinx brushes against Greg's shin.
GREG
actually. My sister'S cat
had kittens and I got bored one day
and so I kind of~ milked her.
A... cat,

DINA
I didn't know you could milk a cat.
GREG
You can milk anything with nipples.
JACK
I have nipples. Could you milk me?

8/13/99 Pg. 3 E

PAM
Dad-----_.;,...1

What?

JACK
I'm just curious.

GREG
Uh... sure, Jack.
I guess I could.
Men are fully capable of lactation.
Huh.

JACK
Learn something new everyday...

PAM
Can we move on now? To something
not about men's nipples, or milk?
There's a beat as they consider another topic.
So, Greg?
INT.

Then...

DINA
How do you like nursing?

DOWNSTAIRS POWDER ROOM - LATER

An anxious Greg pops the last piece of Nicorette from its

packet and adds it to A PILE on the counter. Then he
starts destroying evidence, tearing the box into strips.
PAM (0.5., THROUGH DOOR)
Honey, we're starting.
Okay, babe.

GREG
Be right out...

He turns, drops the paper into the bowl, flushes ...

PAM(O.S. )
Oh, and Dad says go easy on the
paper. We're on a septic tank here .
...Greg eyes the bowl.

IT' 5 CLOGGING, water rising fast.

GREG
Oh God, oh no...
He pulls the tiny shag rug away, yanks the. lid off the top
of the tank and plunges an arm in, hoping to shut the
flapper. No luck. And as the water reaches the brim and
Greg steps back, mortified, to await the ensuing flood...
SSKKWWOO... the clog (mercifully) bursts, the water swirling,
dropping and disappearing with a GURGLE. A beat, and...
Greg sags, relieved, pops a HANDFUL OF GUM, then chews and
sighs, feeling the rush, relaxing for the first time today...

8/13/99 Pg. 39

INT.

GREAT ROOM

SCRABBLE. Pam eyes her tiles and the board, contemplating

her next move, as beside her, Greg does the same, anxiously
chewing and nervously bouncing a knee-- wired on the gum.
Across from them-- Jack watches the board and snacks on
dessert-- a plate of homemade cookies-- while Dina works
busily filling out a stack of WEDDING GUEST PLACECARDS.
JACK
Greg, you can always just "pass."
GREG
(looks up, flustered)
Oh, is it my turn? God, I'm sorry.
And as he shuffles his tiles around, racking his brain...
Mom?

PAM
Can I help you with those?

DINA
No thanks, sweety. Your Dad wants
all the handwriting to match.
GREG
Anal.
Pam turns, freaked.
But then she sees Greg's just spelled
"anal" on the board. He looks up, reads her expression.
What?

GREG
That's a word.

PAM
I know it's a word.

It's just...

JACK
...pretty B-A-D. What's with these
words, Focker? "Anal", "bee" "hat"?
Can't be monosyllabic if you want to
beat the Scrabblin' Burns of Bayport...
GREG
Uh, okay, thanks for the tip.
I mean... sug-ges-tion.
He smiles, nods, shoots an "I hate games" look to Pam,
then pulls three new tiles and slides them onto his wooden
tile-holder. Dina's turn now.
She builds on a "j".
DINA
"Jaialai."
(oddly apologetic, to all)
Sorry, I had all those a's. Go Pam.

8 / 13 / 9 9 Pg. 4 (

..

And as Dina marks her score down and pulls more tiles...
Pam eyes the board, then sees Greg pop another Nicorette .
Hey, gum.
No!

PAM
I want some.

GREG
I mean... sorry, last piece.

PAM
Oh. Well, thanks for sharing. And
for remembering to get my scrunchy.
GREG
The champagne! Shoot, I forgot,
it's still chilling in the kitchen.
And as he gets up and heads for the kitchen...
JACK
Why are we having champagne again?
PAM
Because, Dad-- Greg wanted to buy a
little gift.
It's a gesture.
And as she plays her turn, Greg breezes back with an icy
bottle of Brut, four glasses, and a dinner napkin draped
on his wrist. He circles the table, placing the glasses.
GREG
Sorry for holding up the game.
Jack shoots Greg a look, building on an "I".
Intruder.

JACK
Go, Greg.

GREG
Right after I pop the bubbly, Jack.
And as he wraps the bottle in a linen dinner napkin...
DINA
Pam, did you hear how Doctor Bob
proposed? They went to eat at their
favorite restaurant and he slipped the
ring into Deb's glass of champagne...

---/'

PAM
That's so sweet. And just the right
touch.
I can't stand it when people
make a production out of it, like
buying a billboard or something.
If
you have to try that hard..

8/13/99 Pg. 41

Greg eagerly "presents" the bottle, label-out, waiterstyle. As Jack nods, polite but totally indifferent...
PAM (cont'd)
Her ring nice? Can't wait to see it.
JACK
Oh, you've seen it.
PAM
Dad, how could I have seen it?
haven't been home for months.

JACK
Well, you haven't seen the exact
ring, but it's the identical design
and size of the one Kevin gave you.
Kevin?

GREG
Your old boyfriend?
PAM

Thanks, Dad.
What?

JACK
You never told him?

GREG
Pam, why did Kevin give you a ring?
JACK
Because that's what people do, Greg.
When they get engaged.
BAM! THE CORK ROCKETS ACROSS THE ROOM, heading right for-The NAIL holding Grandma Burns' PHOTO on the wall. WHAM!
The frame swings, falls, and KNOCKS THE URN FROM THE SHELF,
dumping Grandma Burns to the carpet with a dusty THUD.
JACK
MOM-- !
JINX bolts from under the table, racing to the big patch of
ash, and as he quickly scratches a hole...
JACK
NOOOOOooooo... ! !
INT.

UPSTAIRS BATHROOM - LATER (NIGHT)

Greg, shirtless, leans over the sink, throwing water on his

face as Pam, in the adjacent bedroom, unpacks her suitcase
on the bed. And as Greg finishes, starts drying his face...

8/13/99 Pg. 42

INT.
]

.\

PAM'S ADJACENT BEDROOM (NOW A GUEST ROOM) - SAME

PAM
Greg, honey, how're you doing?
GREG
(entering from bathroom)
Surprisingly well, considering I
desecrated your Grandma's cremains,
found out you were engaged, and had
your Father call me monosyllabic.
But at least, back then, he was
still talking to me...

He sits on the bed, depressed.

Pam sits beside him.

PAM
He's not not-talking to you. He
just needs a little time to... grieve.
Greg nods, resigned.

But still bothered.

GREG
Pam, how come you never told me? I
never knew you two were that close...
PAM
Who, Daddy and me?
GREG
Kevin and you.
PAM
Greg, do we have to know everything
about our pasts? You never told me
about your cat-milking days in Motown.
GREG
That was a long time ago.
PAM
Well so was this. We were engaged a
month, I returned the ring, moved to
Chicago, and met you, end of story.
Can we please not fight about it?
GREG
Okay, all right, we can drop it...
God, am I totally blowing it here?

-.....-.-..

PAM
Of course not. You're a great guy.
And hopefully my parents will see
tha t , and... grow to love you too.

8/13/99 Pg. 43

GREG
They will, Pam.
I promise.
He pulls her close, and as they hug and swap little kisses...
GREG
(eyes his tenting crotch)
And speaking of growing to love you.
Honey, c'mon.

PAM
It's late...

GREG
I know that, but "he" doesn't. And
you know there's really only one
sure- f ire way to make him go away...
JACK (O.S., THROUGH DOOR)
Greg, can I talk to you please?
GREG
...and that's it.
INT.

HALLWAY OUTSIDE BEDROOM - SECONDS LATER

Greg steps out, wearing Pam's jade Victoria's Secret robe.

Jack stands a few feet away, in the dimly-lit hallway,
Dina a few feet behind him in the master bedroom doorway.
GREG
Yes, Jack?
JACK
Look, I just wanted to say... don't
worry about what happened tonight.
GREG
Thanks, but I still feel horrible...
JACK
Well, it was a horrible thing. But
let me tell you something about my
Mother. The woman loved to laugh...
DINA
She gave Jack his sense of humor.

..J

JACK
...and I honestly believe, if she were
with us today, instead of outside, in
the bottom of a trash barrel, she'd
have found what happened tonight to be
hysterical. So let's put it behind us
and enjoy our weekend together, okay?
He smiles and gives Greg a friendly clap on the back.

8/13/99 Pg. 44

Okay, Jack.

GREG
Thanks...

PAM
(peeking from her doorway)
Thank you, Daddy.
JACK
You're welcome, pumpkin.

G'night.

Pam ducks back in her room, and as Greg turns to follow...

JACK
Oh, Greg? One more thing.
I'm a
realist. And I understand it's the
21 st Century and that you and my
daughter have probably had
premarital relations, am I right?
GREG
(root canal)
That's... correct.
JACK
And I have no quarrel with that.
But when you're under our roof, it's
our rules. Is that understood?
GREG
Of course...
Good.

JACK
Don't touch her for 72 hours.
DINA/JACK

'Night, Greg.
Jack turns and heads to bed with Dina, leaving Greg stunned..
INT.

DEBBIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Picture Barbie's room. A pink canopy bed, floral wallpaper, just-sent wedding gifts, piled high. Greg stares.
GREG
Pam, c'mon. It's wall-to-wall
estrogen.
I'll wake up with tits.
(off her stare)
Seriously, I'd feel weird sleeping in
Deb's bed-- I mean, she still lives
here, there's all these gifts around..
This whole thing is so ridiculous.

8/13/99 Pg. 45

PAM
I agree, but you heard my Dad.
Parents' house, parents' rules...
(as Greg mopes)
Don't take it personally, my parents
are squares, they're Ward and June
Cleaver. And they just don't think
unmarried people should be
"fornicating" under their roof.
GREG
(back turned, sotto)
Which is why Ward got a love-nest...
PAM
What?
GREG
Nothing. I just wish your Dad would
trust us. And not be so... hung-up on
the "evils of penetration."
Yuck.

PAM
He didn't say that, did he?

GREG
Yeah.
I mean, he was talking about
communism, but he was looking at me.
(beat)
C'mon, Pamcake. Can't I sleep somewhere less persorial and more... guesty?
INT.

JACK'S DEN - DOWNSTAIRS - LATER

Pam pulls out the sofa-bed to reveal a wafer-like mattress.

Greg sits on it, his expression less than thrilled.
PAM
Hey, you wanted "guesty."
As Pam starts to make the bed, Greg gets up and notices a
series of PHOTOS on the wall. They're all Jinx, wearing
outfits, e.g. a Santa cap, a Yankees cap, sunglasses, etc.
GREG
Your parents really need grandkids.
PAM
I'm sure Deb'll get right on it.
Anyway, there's a bathroom here if
you need it, but don't use the
toilet because it never works right.
GREG
Gotcha.

8/13/99 Pg. 46

PAM
And Greg, I know tomorrow Dad has a
lot of plans for the wedding party,
but I'm sure you could join us...
GREG
Thanks, but I think I'll stick to the
original plan and lay low. Maybe take
a drive, smoke a carton of Camels...
PAM
Ooooh, you know, I'd spank you right
now if it didn't involve touching.
He blows her a kiss. She returns it, then lunges and gives
him a quick, deep, kiss and butt-cupping before turning and
leaving, not quite shutting the door. What a tease.
A beat, and Greg looks around. Next to the "shrine" and
its accordion door is Jack's desk and phone. Greg pulls a
business card from his wallet, goes to the phone, dials.
RECORDED VOICE
Sorry, the Lost Luggage Department is
closed. Normal business hours are-Greg hangs up, bummed, then spies a CIA-LOGO NOTEPAD by the
phone.
In red ink: "Fokker" (sp?) Call CIA - Chicago H
Curious, Greg slides open the desk's top drawer...
IN THE DESK-- is a spiral-bound CIA MANUSCRIPT, heavily
dog-eared: "MANO-A-MANO: THE ART OF THE WEAPONLESS KILL.

Greg takes a moment to ponder this, then puts it back,

shuts the drawer, and slips out of Pam's robe to reveal red
"boy-leg" CK briefs. He goes to a window, cracks it, and..
Fresh air drifts in, along with the SOUND OF AN UPSTAIRS TV.
INT.

JACK AND DINA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jack and Dina sit up in bed, their room lit TV blue.

JACK
She said that? She said "permanent."
DINA
"Absolutely permanent" to be exact.
JACK
Jesus, I just realized something.
Pam's middle name, Martha...
He waits for it to dawn on her.
JACK/DINA
Pamela Martha Focker.

They trade sullen looks.

8/13/99 Pg. 47

INT.

JACK'S OFFICE - SAME

Greg heads for the sofa-bed, pausing as he sees-A shelf full of SPY-CAMS. Smoke alarms, clocks, teddy
bears, and the prototype of the aforementioned Outlet-Cam.
He picks up the outlet cam, eyeing the mini RF transmitter
on the back. Then he turns it back around, so it's facing
him again, and as he puts an eye up to one of its holes-A TOILET FLUSHES.
Startled, Greg DROPS THE SPY-CAM.
It
hits the floor, the BACK BREAKING OFF. Greg gasps, spins-And Mr. Jinx strolls around the cracked bathroom door.
GREG
Jesus.
Jinx meows and bolts out the den door. Greg catches his
breath, then drops to the floor and picks up the broken
outlet cam. He snaps it together best he can, places it
back on the shelf, and as he turns back to the sofa-bed...
He checks out a wall of PHOTOS, the various MUSIC from the
TV upstairs tenderly "underscoring" each picture. There's
dozens of photos, but most are of Jack and Pam over the
past 20-odd years, hugging, smiling, and generally looking
happy. Then, to the strains of "Lollipops and Roses" (as
Jack flips to a re-run of the Dating Game) ...
Greg eyes another collage of photos of 20-ish Pam and a
HANDSOME GUY. Hugging her on a beach. Laughing with Jack
on the links. Holding a kitten-- Jinx. The last one is
Pam, the Guy, and a cake. On the icing: Happy B-Day Kevin.
Greg eyes the photo, his face mirrored in the glass. Then
he sighs, gets into bed, hits the light, and we... FADE OUT.
EXT.

THE BURNS HOME - MORNING

Sun's up, another rental car in the driveway. Cadillac.

Pam runs by it, back from a jog, and as she slides off her
jogger fanny-pack and takes the front-steps two-at-a-time...
INT.

THE DARKENED, DOWNSTAIRS DEN - LATER

Greg lies twisted in the sheets of the sofa-bed, his

Calvins akimbo, showing cheek.
SOUNDS drift in...
Dishes clanking, voices laughing. He sits up, rolls over,
and squints two crusty eyes at a nearby wall-clock. 9:24
GREG
Shit.

8/13/99 Pg. 48

INT.

THE KITCHEN - SECONDS LATER

The kitchen's ablaze in the bright morning sun, the table

crowded shoulder-to-shoulder for a big family breakfast.
Jack, Dina, and Pam are there, laughing and eating Belgian
Waffles. Across from them, enjoying perfect omelets, are-DEBBIE BURNS and BOB BANKS. They're handsome, wholesome,
and sitting so close they look like Siamese-Twins.
Beside them (steeled oats, fresh fruit) are Bob's folks,
LARRY AND LINDA BANKS-- fit, tan, coifed, and bubbling.
Linda, it's clear, has been under the knife and looks 40.
LARRY
...and so I ask the man if it burns
when he urinates, and he says "Beats
me, I never tried to light it."
Everyone ROARS at Larry's anecdote.

Jack eyes his watch.

JACK
Bob, when does Andy'S flight land?
BOB
Y'know, I don't know? But he said
he'd be here for breakfast_
Jinx jumps up on the table.

Right in front of Jack.

JACK
Look who else is here for breakfast.
Jack grabs a pair of Jinx's whiskers and gives them a
gentle tug, lifting Jinx'S "lip", like a Ventroliquist.
JACK
(then, singing, "Feelings")
Felines. Nothing more than... felines.
Try-ing to for-get the...
Fe-lines I've loved... "
Jack'n'Jinx bring the house down, Jack hugging Jinx,
cheek-to-cheek, then putting him down, Jinx brushing by...
Greg, half-peeking around the doorway. Bob spies him.
Hey.

BOB
Greg, right?

A CHORUS OF VOICES
Morning, Greg.
Greg leans out in his V.S. robe, voice raspy from sleep.
GREG
Mhhornink.

8/13/99 Pg. 49

LINDA
Oh boy. Looks like somebody had a
l i ' l visit from the Hair Fairy.
More laughs.
It's true, Greg has a Gumby-like case of
pillow hair. He smiles, a sport, then smoothes it over,
making it worse.
Pam scoots her chair out, gets up.
PAM
I'll do intros. Greg, meet Debbie...
DEBBIE
Hi, Greg.
She offers her hand, Greg shaking it and noticing the huge
DIAMOND on her finger, much bigger than the one he got Pam.
GREG
Nice to meet you, Debbie.
PAM
And that's Doctor Bob.
BOB
But you can call me Bob... M.D.
LAUGHS as Bob scores.
PAM
And that's Larry and Linda Banks.
JACK
Dr. Larry is a famous plastic surgeon.
LARRY
Now cut that out!
He makes scissors with his hand and "cuts" the air.
This actually gets laughs, too. Easy crowd.
GREG
Pleased to meet you.
I think I'll
just head upstairs now and have a
l i ' l visit with the... shower fairy.
Crickets. No one laughs. Greg manages a smile before
giving a little wave and retreating to the hallway-INT.

HALLWAY JUST OUTSIDE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

--where Pam follows, giving him a little smooch.

.J

PAM
So handsome, how'd you sleep?

8/13/99 Pg. 50

Late.

GREG
Why didn't you wake me?

PAM
Because when I checked an hour ago,
you were out cold. And I know how
you like to sleep in...
GREG
Not when I'm a guest.
PAM
Oh. Sorry. Good news though-- the
airline called, they have your bag,
and it should be here later today.
It's okay?

GREG
Wasn't open or anything?

PAM
They didn't say, so it must be fine.
GREG
That's great. Maybe now I can start
feeling like myself again.
PAM
In the meantime, just grab more
clothes from Denny's room. He
should be getting up soon.
Jack is within earshot, dropping fruit into his Juiceman.
JACK
He should be getting up now. We
have a busy day. Greg, wake him.
GREG
Uh... okay, I'll shower, wake Denny,
dress, and be right down. Bye hon.
And as he plants one on her...
INT.

STEAMY BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Greg, wet-haired and in a towel, leans over the sink,

struggling to shave with Pam's round "Flicker" razor, her
cosmetic bag and deodorant out on the counter before him.
INT.

HALLWAY OUTSIDE DENNY'S ROOM - LATER

Greg, back in that girly robe, knocks on the door.

GREG
Denny?

8/13 /99 Pg.

INT.

DENNY'S ROOM

A dark, cluttered STY, lit only by the sun peaking through

wind-blown blinds. The unmade bed... empty. Greg leans in.
GREG
Hello... ?
He looks around and then, satisfied Denny's not here, he
heads for the ransacked closet and chest of drawers. He
opens a drawer, finds clean boxers, drops his robe, and-A HEAD shoves through the blinds. DENNY'S.
DENNY AND GREG
Aaaah!
Nude Greg cups the boxers to his crotch.
GREG
Denny?
DENNY
Outta my room, dickless!
He sweeps the blinds aside to reveal he's standing on the
garage roof. And as leans over and starts climbing in...
Greg spins and slides the shorts on as Denny falls inside
with a THUD. A beat, then Denny slowly gets to his feet.
GREG
Hi, Denny, I'm Pam's boyfriend-DENNY
Are you wearing my boxers?
GREG
Yeah, the stupid airline lost my bag
so Pam said I should borrow clothes...
Denny pulls a tiny can of "Ozium" deodorizer from his
jacket pocket and sprays his reaking clothes head-to-toe.
You tell 'em

DENNY
I wasn't here?

GREG
What? No, in fact, your Mom asked
me to come up here and wake you.
DENNY
No shit? Righteous.
(head back, using eye-drops)
So... you're from Chicago. That's in
Michigan, right?

;. ~:~~~:~~<~~,/:::,;t:~~J~:~:~::!
.

"!

ir~,"f
~

.. , .

8/13 /9 9 Pg. 52

GREG
Illinois.

.'(

ili~~

DENNY

You sure?
Greg lets this slide, watching as Denny tosses his jacket
atop an old Nordic-Trak that's been "modified." A length
of surgical tubing and an ace bandage hang between its
ski-poles, the "sling" facing the bedroom's front window.
GREG
How do you like your Nordic-Trak?
DENNY

It Nordic-blows.
I used it for
maybe a week. Now it's a watercondom catapult. If two guys pull
the sling back, you can nail the
church playground a block away.
GREG
Really? That's... rad. Denny, could
I grab more clothes? If you want to
pick them out for me, that's cooL.
Denny pushes past Greg into the closet and finds a pair of
black polyester "slacks" (tags still on them) and a pair
of black dress socks. Then he finds an old pile of
shirts, digs, and pulls out Milli Vanilli, World Tour '92
with a rendering of the two dancin' dreadlocked shysters.
And as he tosses the all-black ensemble to Greg...
DENNY (cont' d)
You're styling. Rock on.
INT.

KITCHEN - LATER

Greg picks at the dregs of breakfast as around him,

everyone looks STRESSED watching Bob talk on the phone.
BOB
Andy, bud, we understand. You just
feel better, okay? We'll mail you
some cake. Thanks homie. Bye.
He hangs up and shrugs, bummed.
LARRY
I can't believe it.

Poor Dr. Andy...

JACK
Maybe he can fly in tonight.

8/13/99 Pg. 53

DINA
Jack, his back is out.
It took him
two hours just to crawl to a phone.
LINDA
So what does all this mean?
JACK
It means we don't have two ushers.
This hangs in the air a moment.

Then Pam chimes in.

PAM
Greg can do it.
And as Greg looks up, mid-chew, to find everyone staring...
INT.

GREAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Jack hands everyone a one-page, nicely printed ITINERARY,

a single-spaced page broken down in hourly increments.
JACK
People, this itinerary takes us from
0900 today through the wedding and
right up to Bob and Debbie's
departure for their honeymoon. Now,
I know we're a big group and there's
a lot to do and not a lot of time,
but if this wedding is to be the
success we all know it can be, there
cannot be any deviation from this
schedule, is that clear?
LARRY
Clear as an Eskimo's artery.
JACK
Questions?
GREG
What are we doing about my tuxedo?
JACK
They'll altar Andy's.

Anyone else?

DENNY
Yeah, about the Rehearsal Dinner.
What kind of food they serve at the
uSurf'n'Turd" Restaurant?
He holds up his agenda, points.

Jack gapes .

... J

Give me that!

JACK
Give them back!

8/13/99 Pg. 54

He starts to snatch them out of people's hands.

PAM
(slightly amused)
Dad, c'mon, it's okay.
DEBBIE
Yeah, we know it's the Surf'N'Turf.
JACK
Dina, I told you to proof these!
DINA
(flinching)
I-- Greg did, on the computer.
said he was an expert.
All eyes snap to Greg.

He

He stammers...
GREG

1... guess the spell-checker must've

somehow missed it.

JACK
How can it "miss it"? It's a
computer, for god's sake.
PAM
Dad, please...
GREG
It didn't actually "miss it". For
whatever reason, the word is in the
computer's dictionary, and Dina
happened to spell "turd" right...
DENNY

Good job, Ma.

And as Jack and Dina shoot Denny daggers... THUNDER CLAPS.
EXT.
Rain.

THE FRONT PORCH - MOMENTS LATER

One after the other, they make for the driveway.
LARRY
Where the hell'd this come from?
All the weather reports said "fair."
JACK
Not to worry. My contact at the
Weather Service says sun by 1200 EST.
BOB
Just as long as it's nice for the
swim-party and barbecue at Riley's ...

8 / 13 / 9 9 Pg. 5 5

GREG
Who's Riley?
LINDA
Bob's best friend, and the Best Man.
PAM
(tossing Greg a windbreaker)
Denny, I'm lending Greg your jacket.
DENNY
Whatever.
But when Denny sees exactly what jacket, his eyes bug.
IN THE DRlVEWAY-- Dina swings the Buick doors open and
Larry the Cad's, and as Linda starts to. get in with Larry...
JACK
No, no, no, men in one car, women in
the other! Check your itineraries.
DINA
Hop in, Linda. Us gals are all
heading to the dressmaker's.
LARRY
And we men are all off to-(reading his itinerary)
"The Tuxedo Ship."

And as Jack turns and shoots Greg the evil eye...

EXT.

"THE TUXEDO SHOP" - DAY

The Cadillac's out front.

INT.

Still raining.

THE TUXEDO SHOP

Bob, Jack and Larry stand at a three-way mirror, beaming

and looking smart in top hats and gray morning-coats.
LARRY
Son, you look so damn... dapper. Deb's
gonna see you at the altar and faint.
JACK
If she does, I'm not worried. Half
your damn guest list is Doctors.
(as they chuckle)
Y'know, Greg here's in medicine too.

Really?

LARRY
What field?

8/13/99 Pg. 56

BEHIND A NEARBY CHANGING CURTAIN-- Greg and Denny are still

dressing, Greg unwrapping the plastic from his (Andy's) tux.
GREG
Nursing.
Larry and Bob appreciate the quip.
LARRY
No, really, what field?
GREG
Really.
I graduated third in a class
of 200 from MNA-- the Mountainside
Nursing Academy in New Hampshire.
Bob and Larry swap smirks, Larry speaking sotto to Bob.
LARRY
Ever heard of it?
Yeah.

BOB
Lotta hotties come out of MNA.

Jack eyes himself and the Banks in the mirror...

JACK
Hey, you guys are missing something.
He holds up his white-gloved hands. The Banks' are bare.
Suddenly, Larry and Bob get the same idea.
LARRY AND BOB
Oh, Greg?
(raising hands like surgeons)
"Gloves!?"
And as Jack and the MD' s have a laugh at Greg's expense...
BEHIND THE CURTAIN-- Greg finds the box of gloves and
slides it under the curtain. Denny sniffs the air.
What reeks?

DENNY
You wearing cologne?

GREG
Oh, no-- it's Pam's "Secret." You
know, "Strong enough for a man--"
DENNY
--but made for a homo?
Denny puts on his top-hat and whips the curtain aside to
exit, leaving half-nude Greg exposed for the store to see.
He shuts the curtain, and as he continues to get dressed...

8/13 /99 Pg. 57

He bumps a CHAIR with someone's belongings on it. A WALLET

falls, and as Greg picks it up-- Bob enters, and stares.
BOB
Why do you have my wallet?
GREG
Oh, I bumped the chair here and-(he's said enough)
Sorry.
He hands the wallet back.

Bob still staring, concerned.

GREG (cont'd)
I didn't open it. Really.
BOB
(doesn't believe him)
I believe you.
Bob pulls on his khaki shorts and pockets the wallet.
as Greg continues to try on Andy's tux...

And

GREG
Hey Bob M.D., thanks for having me
in the wedding party. I'm honored.
And I know it means a lot to Pam.
BOB
I'm just glad it's working out. I
guess we need two ushers and I didn't
want to tap Riley. He has enough to
do, with the ring, and the speech-GREG
How come Riley's not here?
not wearing a tux?

Is he

BOB
Actually, we're matching his. He
owns one just like this. Nice, huh?
GREG
Well, yours looks great...
He pulls the jacket on and turns to the full-size mirror.
The sleeves and cuffs are close, but the fit is VERY TIGHT.
GREG (cont'd)
...but I think I need some tailoring.
I mean, I can't even touch my toes-He starts to bend over, and as he does-- RIP. The jacket
and pants split down the back. And as everyone eyes Greg...

8/13 / 99 Pg. 58

INT.
.. .,J.

TUX SHOP - MOMENTS LATER

Greg stands waiting in his boxers as the Owner and his

TAILOR examine the open-backed tux. Then the two men turn
and shake their heads glumly at an antsy Jack and Larry.
Sorry, Jack.

GREG
Andy must be a stick.

JACK
Don't pin this on Doctor Andy. The
wedding's tomorrow, your tux is
ruined, and now I have to tell Dina
and Debbie. Where's an itinerary?
I have to call the damn dress shop.
And as he heads for the dressing room, and their clothes...
BEHIND THE CURTAIN-- Denny has "Greg's" windbreaker off
the hook and is checking the pockets when Jack walks in.
Denny startles, drops the jacket, and out tumbles-A LIGHTER and a ZIP-LOCK BAG OF DOOBIES. They gape.
DENNY

Woah.

Greg's a total stoner.

JACK

I knew it.
EXT. SOUTH HAMPTON STREET - DAY
Still pouring. The Caddy and the Buick roll up the
driveway of an impressive, custom-made home.
INT.

THE BUICK

Dina drives, Deb beside her, Linda and Pam in the back.

PAM
Whose house is this, Mom?
DINA
It's right there on your interary,
honey.
"BBQ at the Best Man's"~
And as Debbie shoots her Mother a dubious look...
EXT.

RILEY'S DRIVEWAY

They motor past rows of trimmed hedges and rose-gardens,

the rain slowly tapering off until...
EXT.

THE CIRCULAR DRIVE OF RILEY'S MINI-MANSION - DAY

...the sky's blue, sun's bright, and dew glistens on the

flower beds and lawn.
It's like a different, happy world.

8/13/99 Pg. 5S

BY THE FRONT DOOR-- the car doors open and the families
slide out, basking in the sweet air and sudden sunshine.
The sun!

LARRY
What luck.

BOB
C'mon, Riley planned this.

Luck?

AT THE BUICK-- Dina, not her cheery self, pops the trunk.
DINA
Jack, bring the tuxes over. We'll
put them in here, with the dresses.
A few yards away, Pam reunites with Greg.
Jack was mad.

A peck, and...

GREG
Was your Mom upset?
PAM

(yes)
No.
Dina walks toward them, toting tuxes.

She smiles at Greg.

DINA
Don't worry about the foul-up, Greg.
Something was bound to go wrong-after all, all weddings have their
one "thing"-- and your thing was our
thing. But it's behind us now, so
let's just forget it and move on.
A Stepford smile, then she puts the tuxes in the Buick and
pulls out a big beach tote-bag as Denny walks up.
DENNY

Ma, you pack me a suit and towel?

Just a suit.

DINA
Kevin has towels.
PAM

Kevin?
Hey!

KEVIN (0 . S . )
Welcome, everybody!

Hey Riles!

THE BURNS AND BANKS

Kevin!
Riley!

KEVIN RILEY, 32, strolls over in swim-trunks and a

cropped-tee. He's the same guy we saw in the photos, only
he's improved with age-- better looking, tanner, buffer.
And as Pam shoots her Father a look that could kill...

8/13 /99 Pg. 60

BOB
Hey, Riley-buddy.
KEVIN
(handshake/embrace)
Doctor Robert, welcome.
(then, to Debbie)
Debra. Big day manana.
He kisses her cheek before moving on to Jack and Dina.
KEVIN
Double-B and darling Dee...
JACK/DINA
Mr. Riley, sir./Hello, Kevin.
Kevin pecks Dina on the cheek, then does the same to Jack,
something not lost on Greg. Kev moves along, to the Banks.
KEVIN
Larry, Linda, looking lovely.
LARRY/LINDA
Thanks, Riley. And you.
Denny scratches his cheek with his middle finger, grins.
DENNY
Beavis.
KEVIN
Butthead.
He lightly cuffs the back of Denny's head before turning to
Pam and Greg, Pam summoning a smile despite her anger.
KEVIN
Hey Peanut.
Kevin,

PAM
this is Greg.

JACK
Greg is Pam's guest from Chicago.
Chi-town!

KEVIN
Welcome to the Hamptons.

GREG
Thanks, you too.

-'

Damn, he's done it again.

@:::~:I

-' --,

8/13/99 Pq. 61

KEVIN

Well, the sun's out, grill's hot and

the pool's luke, so if you're up for
a swim and a little bee-bee-cue...
BOB
Riles, we're there.

They head down a path from the driveway, toward the sound
of an outdoor stereo and a sparkling blue pool, Jack
~aking up the rear and calling to them as they go.
JACK
People, it's 12:10 and we're a bit
behind so have fun, eat, drink, be
merry, but be ready to go by 1400.
He spins to find Pam glaring at him, fuming.
I

can~t

PAM
believe you kept this from me.

JACK
Sorry, it's on the

itinerar~_

PAM (checking hers)

It just says "Barbecue At Best Man's."
JACK
What, no one told you it was Riley?
PAM
How does Bob even know Kevin?
JACK
Honey, it's simple. When I started
the Nanny-Cams I needed investors, so
naturally I called Kevin, he hooked me
up with Larry, I met Bob, who already
knew Kevin through Larry, and later I
introduced Bob to Deb...
PAM
Wait, you "set-up" Bob

a~d

Debbie?

JACK
I thought they should meet si~Ge Bob was
goin~ to N~U and wouldn't k~ow anybody .
.~d here we are, ~ight? A few months
later and be::s are ringing.
I'm a
re~ular Hel:o Dolly.
(winks)
I didn't nean to upse~ yo~, Pa~Gake.
You're alvlays saying how YO'J're over
Kevin, how he means no:hir.g to you.

8/13/99 Pg. 62

PAM
Which he doesn't.

Still.

JACK
Good. Now c'mon, you and Greg come join
the party. We're all friends here...
He smiles, then heads off down the path.
PAM
This is too weird.

Pam sighs.

G.:eg, I'm sorry...

GREG
Pam, honey, don't apologize.
I
heard your Dad, I understand. Hey,
if I can go a weekend without sex
and cigarettes, I can certainly
handle two days with your exfiance.
PAM
Baby, you're the greatest.
KEVIN (O.S.)
Hey, kids!
Kevin comes up the path from the pool, shirtless, buff.
KEVIN
Jack said you two wanted a tour.
C'mon, I'll show you the digs.
GREG/PAM
Great ...
INT.

CAVERNOUS COUNTRY KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

KEVIN
Floor's imported limestone, counter's
German greenstone, I got twin Sub
Z's, Vi king ~ange, two dishwashers...
This

GREG
the size of

kitche~'s

~y

condo.

PP\.\,1
So, work must be working out, eh Kev?
You still at Neuberge.:-Berman?

8/13/99 Pg. 63

KEVIN
Who told you I was at NB?
.,.J
,_J

PAM
I saw an article, in USA Today...
GREG
So, you're what... an inves tment
banker, Wall Street trader person... ?
KEVIN
Yeah, but that's just my day-job.
Let me show you what I'm really into.
INT.

WOODSHOP

An immaculate carpenter's lair with a dozen-odd projects

(furniture, carvings, etc.) in various stages 'of completion.
GREG
Wow, someone got an "A" in Woodshop.
What made you get into carpentering?
KEVIN
Carpentry? I'd have to say Jesus.
He was a carpenter, and I figured if
you're going to follow in someone's
footsteps, who better than Christ's?
Greg nods, then notices a number of Pam-Kev photos hanging
(dust-free) on the walls.
Pam nods o.s., to a big TARP.
PAM
What's that, outside?
A gift.
EXT.

KEVIN
I'll show you.

AN ADJACENT, BRICK COURTYARD AND GAZEBO - CONTINUOUS

KEVIN
I just put the last coat of lacquer
on it this morning, before the rain.

He lifts the tarp to reveal a lO-FOOT-HIGH ARCH, ornately

carved with roses, doves, cherubs, hearts.
Pam gasps.
PAM
Kevin, it's amazing. And you made
roses-- Deb's favorite, and are
those holes there for candles?
KEVIN
Exactly, and later on they'll catch
rainwater and make tiny bird-baths.

8/13/99 Pg. 64

GREG
Urn, at the risk of sounding really,
really stupid... what is it?
KEVIN
It's the altar.
I'm going to take
it to the Burns, have the florist
decorate it, and tomorrow Bob and
Deb'll meet beneath it to become man
and wife. And later, when they buy
a home, it can grace their garden.
GREG
How long's something like this take?
KEVIN
Let's see, they've been
three weeks... five hours
100 hours. Which isn't
considering I carved it

engaged
a day... about
bad
all by hand.

And as two lovebirds alight on the altar, and tweet...

INT.

RILEY'S HOUSE - HOME THEATRE ROOM

Kenny Loggins' UDanger Zone" BOOMS and UTOP GUN" fills the
letterbox screen as F-16's rocket by in SenSurround Sound~.
Kevin raises an arm, turns to Pam, yells over the music-KEVIN
I

feel the need...

--and they do a one-hand, high-five-then-Iow-five thing.

PAM/KEVIN
The need for speed!

They laugh, Keving pointing the remote and stopping the

film. And as the screen retracts and the lights come up...
KEVIN
Good job, P. B. Way to remember...
He smiles, so uthere" and radiant that Pam has to look
away to avoid a school-girl blush. Then-- a WALL INTERCOM
barks with the sound of a pool party and Jack's voice.
JACK (0. S)
Riley? Where you at? It's 12:25.
Time to start the barbecue, big guy.
KEVIN (TO INTERCOM)
On my way, Mister B.
(then, to Pam and Greg)
I better go play host. Why don't
you put your suits on and head down?

8 / 13 / 99 Pg. 6 :

'.,.-/'

GREG
Suits. Darn, don't suppose your Mom
packed an extra one for me.
(to Kevin)
The airline lost my luggage.
KEVIN
Oh, man. Never check your bag. But
no sweat, I can lend you a suit.
Great, Kev.

PAM
Thanks.

He smiles at again, then heads down a hallway, and...

Pam turns to Greg, who by now's looking a bit miffed.
PAM
Honey, what.
GREG
Nothing.
PAM
No, tell me...
GREG
It's not worth bringing up.
(then, brings it up)
You and Kevin did our thing.

Y' know...

He mimes the high-five-low-five slap thing.

PAM
Greg, that's not "our thing" it's
from the movie, from "Top Gun."
GREG
Our thing's not our thing?
PAM
Greg, did you not see "Top Gun"?
GREG
What, you mean besides just now?
PAM
How could you not see "Top Gun"?
thought everbody saw "Top Gun."

GREG
Gee, I guess we're learning all sorts
of new things about each other...
KEVIN (0 . S . )
Think fast!

8/13 /99 Pg. 6 E

,-...,...-'

A TOWEL rolled around a swimsuit SMACKS Greg in the head.

It drops into his arms as Kevin strolls up, grinning big.
KEVIN (cont' d)
I

EXT.

feel the need.. the need to feed..

BY THE POOL AND POOLHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Kenny G. wafts from garden speakers as Kevin mans the BBQ.

KEVIN
Cold buffet's on the left, champagne
and wine'S on the right, so enjoy.
LARRY
Salmon steaks, Moet Chandon... Jeez,
Riley, what do you do for an encore?
LINDA
Maybe he'll walk across his pool.
Linda scores!

Jack, in line behind them, looks to Pam.

JACK
Some place, huh? And a block from the
beach. Can't get that in Chicago...
DINA
Honey, is your friend Greg okay?
Greg overhears her from behind the poolhouse door.
GREG (0. S.)
I'm fine.
A beat, then he steps out wearing a tight, white SPEEDO.
Kevin looks up from the grill to check Greg out.
KEVIN
Hey buddy, how'S that suit?
big I hope.

Not too

GREG
Actually it's a bit tight, in places.
And white's not really my color.
Oh boy.

LARRY
Time for a career change.

Larry SCORES, he and Doctor Bob sniggering.

KEVIN
So Greg, you like grilled salmon,
swordfish, or a little of both?

8 / 13 / 99 Pg. 6.

GREG
Both sounds good, I'm pretty hungry.

JACK
(to no one in particular)
I think they call that the munchies.
And as Greg squints

wondering what the hell that meant...

KEVIN
Peanut? Glen? Hit the buffet and
then come and get your entrees.
Great.

PAM
Thanks, Kev.

Greg nods "thanks" and he and Pam shuffle over to the cold
buffet, Pam ladling out two bowls of gazpacho.
GREG
Funny, he's not wearing a Speedo.
PAM
Relax, Greg, nobody's even looking.
GREG
Good, because if that pool's cold,
they'll be calling me peanut.
PAM
Y'know, I knew that would bug you.
He only calls me that because of my
initials.
"P.B.", peanut butter...?
GREG
...perfect boyfriend...
KEVIN
(walks up, with plates)
One sockeye, two swords.
Thanks...

PAM/GREG
Looks great...

KEVIN
Dig in, and then get ready 'cause
after lunch we're playing aqua-v-ball.
PAM
Pool volleyball?
Yeah.

Sounds like fun.

GREG
I love games.

8/13 /99 Pg. 6 e

EXT.

SWIMMING POOL - LATER

A volleyball net bisects the pool.

"Captains" Jack and Bob
are in the water, on opposite sides, while the others stand
at the water's edge. Dear God, they're picking teams.
BOB
Kevin.
JACK
There's a shock.
Kevin jumps in beside Bob.

Chest-thumps, high-fives.

JACK
Denny.
DENNY

(steps in, bored)

Crapulous.
BOB
Deb.
DEBBIE
Yes!
She jumps in, as do the others as they're called.
JACK
Larry.
BOB
Pam.
JACK
Linda.
BOB
Dina.
DINA
Oh, I'm not playing.
dries my skin.

The chlorine

DEBBIE
But Mom, the teams won't be even.
BOB
Four and four. They're even now.
Greg stands there, invisible.

And now Pam is pissed.

PAM
Would somebody please pick Greg?!

8/13/99 Pg. 69

JACK
I thought Doctor Bob did.
BOB
No, but you take him. We'll just
play five on four.
Okay?
Whatever.

JACK
Greg, let's go.

Greg, sport that he is, musters a smile before dropping in.

SERIES OF SHOTS:
--At the net, Bob sets, Kevin spikes. Both hoot.
--Greg serves one... into the cold buffet.
--Deb hits to Bob, Bob to Pam, Pam tips it over. Cheers.
--And as Team-Bob celebrates, whooping, really into it...
Larry slaps the water.

Jack eyes his team, disgusted.

JACK
We are getting creamed!

Huddle up!

KEVIN
(calls to Greg, through net)
Glen-- rush the net on defense.
Don't be afraid of the ball.
PAM
It's Greg.
KEVIN
What?
PAM
It's "Greg," not "Glen."
afraid of the ball.

"Greg" is

GREG
Thanks for clearing that up, Peanut.
JACK
Larry, Linda, stay back for deep
shots. Denny, float. Greg, if I
set the ball for you, do you think
you could jump up and spike it?
GREG
I'd have to be pretty high.
JACK
I bet you would, Panama Red. Okay,
everyone!
Look sharp!
BREAK.

8/13/99 Pg. 70

They clap their hands and wade to their positions. Except

Greg, who's still trying to decipher what Jack just said.
KEVIN
Service!
Kevin bloops one.

Larry bats it to Denny, who sets it...

LARRY
Yours, Greg, yours!
...Greg pops it over the net to Pam, who returns it, deep...
JACK
You've gotta spike those, Greg!
Linda bats it to Larry, who sets it again, to Greg, and..
This time Greg times it right. He rockets from the water,
fully-extended, arm cocked, and as they all watch, amazed-GREG HITS A MONSTER SPIKE, the ball sailing directly at...
Debbie's smiling face.
BAM!
She SCREAMS and falls back,
submerging as the water around her runs crimson red.
ON THE DECK-- Dina jumps up, eyes huge, adrenaline pumping.
DINA
Aaaaahhh! !
She jumps in the water, fully clothed, and as Debbie
struggles to her feet, both hands clutching her face...
Jack and Larry both whirl on Greg, their eyes ablaze.
JACK
What the hell's wrong with you?!
LARRY
It's only a game, Focker!

They turn and rush to Debbie, who's beginning to cry, and

as Pam shoots Greg the saddest of looks through the net...
INT.

THE MOVING BUICK - LATER

Greg's in back with Denny and Pam, Dina and Jack up front.
They ride along in utter, awkward silence. Then...
GREG
Does her dress have a veil_?
EXT.

THE BURNS HOME - LATER

The Buick arrives to find a CATERER'S VAN, a "PARTY

RENTALS" TRUCK, and a few more cars and people waiting.

8/13/99 Pg. 71

DINA (O.S., IN CAR)

What are they, early?
We're late.

JACK (O.S., IN CAR)

C'mon, everybody out.

Jack gets out and hits the ground running, firing orders.
JACK
Caterers? Come with me.
(spins, points at a guy)
You the D.J.? Talk with them.
(as the Cadillac arrives)
Pam, help Debra, please. Denny, put
the tuxes and dresses in the den.
The Caddy's doors open and Bob helps Deb out. She holds
an ice-bag to her red and puffy face as Pam approaches.
PAM
How ya doing, Debbie-doodle?
Debbie, a shiner under the ice, squeaks a sad reply.
She's better.

BOB
It's just swollen.
DENNY

(taking a closer look)

Cool, you can totally see "Voit"
backwards on your forehead!
Deb takes a lame swipe at Denny and starts to cry. Pam
puts an arm around her, and as they head for the backyard...
Greg sees an VAN pull up. A COURIER gets out with his BAG.
GREG
Thank god. Is it okay? I have a
really expensive ring in there...
COURIER
You checked a bag containing jewelry?
Man, you must be dumb as a stump.
And as Greg stares at the guy, stunned...
EXT.

BURNS HOME - BACKYARD - LATER

The joint is jumping. Jack is on the back porch steps,

holding a cordless phone to his ear while yelling orders
to passing WORKERS carrying tables, linens, chairs, etc.
JACK
Buffet's going against the house.
Put the chairs on the lawn, they're
getting married under the elm tree.

8/13/99 Pg. 72

CATERER
Mr. Burns, I need to store the china
and linen overnight. Preferably in a
room with easy access to the yard.

JACK
We'll keep everything in my den.
(then, into phone)
Yes, I'm still here. Great, and
you're sure it's thick enough to
cover a black eye? Terrific, what's
it called and when do you close?
AT A TABLE-- a slick-haired D.J. sits with Debbie and Bob.
DEE-JAY
...and then we do the Chicken Dance or
the Macarena and at the end I play
"Leaving On A Jet Plane." But let's
backtrack. First dance-- you want
Elvis, Whitney, or Lionel Richie?
And as Debbie starts to cry again, behind her ice-pack...
INT.

THE DEN (JACK'S OFFICE) - SAME

Greg plops the suitcase on the open sofabed, beside the

tuxes and dresses. As he starts to work the combo-lock...
The door swings open and Pam walks in. Greg startles...
PAM
Your suitcase! Did you go through
it? Make sure it's all there?
GREG
Yeah, it's all fine.

What's up?

PAM
(shuts door behind her)
Nothing's "up," I just thought I'd
see how you were doing since hitting
the... spike heard 'round the world.
GREG
Well, since you're asking, I pretty
much feel like a big, dumb loser.
PAM
You're not a loser, Greg.
It's just~
too bad you had to hit it so hard.
GREG
Pam, it was an accident.

8/13 /99 Pg. 73

PAM
I know, but you shouldn't have let
Dad and Larry push you like that-GREG
It sounds like you're blaming me-PAM
I'm not.
I'm just saying relax, okay?
Don't try so hard. Be yourself.
GREG
Honey, I'm trying.
PAM
Well, try harder.
GREG
You just told me not to.
PAM
At being yourself. Greg, do you not
understand how important this
weekend is to me? To us?
GREG
Of course. But Pam, if you want me
to be comfortable, to be myself, then
help me out, be on my side.
I just-I'm feeling totally alone here.
He sits on edge of the sofa-bed, dejected.
Pam immediately beside him,consoling.
PAM
Greg, baby, I'm on your side.
You're not on your own here...
She puts an arm around him, pulls him close. He turns to
her, nodding, feeling better. They kiss, Pam leaning them
back onto the bed and placing his hand to her chest...
GREG
...is this okay... ?
PAM
It's fine ... relax...
And as she starts to straddle him, kissing, hands roaming...
BAM. The door flies open to reveal Jack and Larry, holding
linens. Greg bolts up, his hands on Pam's breasts.
PAM
Dad!
(brushing Greg's hands away)
Ever think to knock?!

8/13/99 Pg. 74

JACK
Not when it's my own office.
are you doing in here?

What

LARRY

I'd say rounding second base.

Jack shoots Larry daggers as Pam gets up.
PAM
This is Greg's room, Dad.
JACK
(dropping linens on bed)
Not anymore. We need it for storage.
PAM
Then where's he supposed to sleep?
JACK
We'll talk about it later. Meantime,
head outside and help your Mother,
it's a real madhouse out there.
Fine.

PAM
C'mon, Greg.

She huffs and exits to the porch. Greg shoots a sheepish

look to Jack and Larry and starts to go when Jack notices
the bathroom door is ajar. And something's running...
JACK
Hold it, Focker.
(listens, points to bathroom)
Did you flush this toilet?
GREG
No sir.
JACK
What, did the thing flush itself?
GREG
Wait-- the cat. He used the toilet.
LARRY

The cat used the

toilet~?

GREG
Last night, he flushed it and left.
JACK
No chance. Jinx knows not to use
this toilet. And he never flushes.

8/13 /99 Pg. 75

GREG
Well he did last night, and what's
it matter, anyway?
JACK
The matter, Greg R.N., is that when
this toilet is flushed, it runs.
And when you have a septic tank
that's nearly full and a toilet that
has run all night, then you can
suddenly have one helluva problem.
Suddenly, two concerned Workers appear in the doorway.
WEDDING WORKER
Mr. Burns... ?
EXT. BURNS HOME - BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER
The lawn SQUISHES as Pam helps the Workers move chairs
back toward the house. A few yards away, Greg and a
bitching Denny help, lugging a table through swampy grass.
DENNY

Nice stench.

You're on a roll, bud.

GREG
Bite me, Denny.
DENNY

You bite me, you cost me my stash.

GREG
What?
DENNY

It was in my coat-- that coat-- and

the baggy fell out at the Tux Shop.
Now my Dad has it, and I have to
spend the whole weekend weedless.
GREG
Shit-- he thinks it's mine! No
wonder he was talking about the
munchies, and Panama Red. Denny,
I'm sorry, but I have to tell him.
DENNY

They won't believe you-- my p's are

in full denial. But go for it, tell
them I'm "hopped up." They'll just
think you're a lying mother, Focker.
.--.,/

ON THE PORCH-- Jack paces on the cordless phone, livid.

8/13 /99 Pg. 76

JACK
Listen to me-- twenty hours from now
I'm having a wedding here, so I need
it pumped and I need it pumped now!
Bob and Deb step outside, see the lawn being cleared.
DEBBIE
Dad, what's going on?
BOB
(sniffs, winces)
What's that smell?
JACK
(paces by, on phone)
That smell, Bob, is our shit.
LINDA
Greg flushed the bad toilet in the
den and the cesspool overflowed.
LARRY

And he tried to blame the cat.

DEBBIE
But... if the lawn is wrecked, where
are we having the wedding? Mom... !
She starts to lose it.

Dina hugs her, Linda pats her back.

DINA
Don't worry, Deb, it'll work out.
LINDA
A septic tank pumper will come suck
it up and tomorrow it'll be fine...
JACK
(checking agenda, on phone)
Two choices-- come during the shower
before rehearsal or after rehearsal
when we're at the Surf'N'Turd. Turf.
A HORN honks. They all turn and see a FLATBED TRUCK (with
liftgate), rolling down the driveway, the ALTAR on back,
Kevin at the wheel. He cracks a window, yells to Jack.
KEVIN
Over by the tree, right?!
NO!
--'"

JACK
NOT ON THE LAWN!

Too late. The wheels of the heavy truck BOG DOWN in the
muck and sink to a stop. Kevin looks down from the cab...

8/13/99 Pg. 77

KEVIN
What the heck?
...and guns the engine, spinning the wheels and sending a
huge, brown SPRAY flying through the air and straight at-The PORCH, where the Burns and Banks scream and scatter as
the porch is splattered with muddy, brackish water...
ON THE LAWN-- Pam cringes.

Greg gapes.

Denny grins.

DENNY

Very cool.
INT.

PAM'S BEDROOM - LATER

A knock, then the door opens and Greg peers in. The
adjacent bathroom door's shut, shower's going.
So...
Greg enters with his suitcase, plops it on her bed. He
works the combo-lock and.. it doesn't open. He tries the
latches again, then checks the handle's i.d. tag and-GREG
Aw, fu-INT.

BURNS HOME - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Greg, alone, walks and talks on the cordless, smoldering.

GREG
I know I said a gray American
Tourister but is it possible their
company, in a shameless effort to
turn a profit, manufactured more than
one? And would that not allow your
fine airline to lose two of the
aforementioned receptacles and, in a
sYnergistic explosion of irony and
incompetence, send the wrong one here
while sending the right one to the
other sucker who was dumb enough to
let you check his only carry-on bag?!
He swings the back door open and steps outside, to-EXT.

THE BACK PORCH

--where he paces, Bob and Kevin visible in the b.g.

watching a HUGE TOW-TRUCK pull the flatbed from the muck.
GREG (cont'd)
I don't want to calm down!
There's
a diamond ring in that bag, mister,
and 24 hours from now it better be...
(MORE... )

8/13/99 Pg. 78

GREG (cont'd)
...on my girlfriend's finger or there
will be HELL to pay, you hear me?
Now find out what the HELL happened
and call me the HELL back! Hell-o... ?
(dial tone)
I don't believe this shit!
He turns, heads back for the door, and then stops.
pales. Jinx is there, meowing at him. OUTSIDE.
Oh, God.

GREG
Here... kitty.

And

Here... Jinx...

Jinx stares, licks a paw. And as Greg creeps closer...

Jinx bolts down the stairs. Greg LEAPS from the porch,
cutting him off. Jinx turns and bolts for a crawl-space
hatch, disappearing UNDER THE HOUSE. As Greg steams...
INT.

THE HOME'S (DIMLY LIT) CRAWLSPACE - SECONDS LATER

Greg, still holding the phone, combat-crawls through dirt

and cobwebs toward a meowing silhouette. As he does,
VOICES carry through the floor above, muffled but clear.
LINDA (O. S. )
...to me, it looked like an Rccident.
Why would he want to hurt her?
INT.

THE GREAT ROOM

Jack and Linda are in bathrobes, having showered following

the flying-fluid fiasco.
Jack's at the bar, pouring.
JACK
He wouldn't, intentionally, but he's
not in control. Look at his eyes-they're completely bloodshot.
LARRY
More pink, really.
EXT.

Like a rat's.

UNDER THE HOUSE

LINDA (0 . S . )
Maybe he's using for medicinal
purposes. He looks kind of sickly.
JACK (O. S.)
Forget medicine, he's a bong-head.
He's been puffin' the magic dragon.

Then-- louder, clearer voices drown theirs out.

BOB (O. S. )

...caught him going through my wallet.

8/13/99 Pg. 79

EXT.

BACK PORCH

Bob and Kevin walk over from the driveway, where the
flatbed's now parked, the altar on the walk beside it.
KEVIN
What?
INT.

CRAWLSPACE
BOB (0. S. )
At the tux shop.
I walked in before
he could steal anything. Nurses...
KEVIN (0 . S . )
How can Pam and this guy be serious?
BOB (0. S. )
Who says they are? I don't see a
rock on her finger.
KEVIN (0 . S . )
Good point, there's not. Yet_

They head in as Greg lies there, exhausted, his face full

of dust, hair full of cobwebs. And as Jinx finds daylight...
INT.

MASTER BEDROOM

Dina dabs foundation on her daughter's budding black-eye.

DINA
...and you can plan forever, and
something will always go wrong.
weddings have their one thing.

All

DEBBIE
So what's ours, Mom? The tuxedo
screw-up? My nose? Or the backyard
smelling like the zoo in a heatwave?
DINA
That's enough, Miss Doom-N-Gloom.
And look, your face is much better.
She turns Deb toward the mirror.

It's better, not much.

DEBBIE
Sure, under make-up bulbs. But
how's it going to look in sunlight?

-'

DINA
Let's find out.
She moves to her bedroom window, whips opens the drapes-THERE'S GREG.
In the elm tree right outside her window.

8/13/99 Pg. 8e

EXT.
--F

THE ELM TREE

He freezes, horrified, waiting for them to see him. But-They don't.

The women don't see him. Mainly because
they're facing one another while Dina powders Debbie's
face. And as Greg watches JINX climb higher in the tree...
INTERCUT - THE BEDROOM AND THE ELM TREE
DEBBIE
Ow! Stop patting it, Morn. You're
going to make it bleed again.
DINA
Baby, if it hurts, take something.
have Valium, Vicodans, Percoset...

DEBBIE
They'll just make me sleepy.
DINA
If they do, you can take one of my
picker-upper pills. Wait here-DEBBIE
Mom-- NO.
She covers her eyes and starts to cry, Dina turning back
to comfort her.
And Greg watches from the tree, rapt.
DINA
Debbie, honey, what's wrong?
DEBBIE
I'm late...
DINA
What?
DEBBIE
More than late...
Oh my God.

DINA
Does Bob know?

DEBBIE
Of course he knows. Why do you
think we're getting married so soon?
DINA
Because he's starting med-school...
DEBBIE
Not for a month. We decided we'd
move, get settled, find a doctor...

8/13/99 Pg. 81

She wipes a tear away.

Greg still watching, mesmerized.

DINA
Do Larry and Linda know about this?
Does anybody know about this?
DEBBIE
...no...
DINA
Good, it's best not to have people
talking. How far along are you?
DEBBIE
Seven weeks...
DINA
That's it? Oh, sweety, this is no
problem.
8-month babies happen all
the time. No one will ever know.
(then, suddenly concerned)
Deb, you do love Bob, don't you?
DEBBIE
Yeah Mom, I do. And we would've
been married sooner or later anyway.
DINA
I know, Debbie-Doodle.

I know...

She takes Debbie's hand, smiles. Not that Stepfordian

one, but a real smile, warm and sincere. Debbie relaxes.
DEBBIE
Thanks, Mom...
A quick hug, then it's time to get back to business.
DINA
Now go get ready for the shower
before your Father blows a gasket.
Debbie nods and leaves, Dina shutting the door behind her.
And as she takes a moment to absorb what's just happened...
The phone rings.
THE PHONE IN GREG'S GODDAM HAND. He
stares at it, horrified, and when his eyes whip back to the
window-- Dina's staring right at him. Right through him.
GREG
...hey...
She glowers, whips the drapes shut, and as Greg whimpers...
The phone RINGS again, Greg hitting a button to try and
mute it but he must've accidentally hit "TALK" because--

8/13 /99 Pg. 82

JACK (ON PHONE)

--and we'll meet at the beach house.
CAROL (ON PHONE)
Did you just hear a "click"?
JACK (ON PHONE)
Hang up!

Hang up!

Greg panics, bobbling the phone, and as he lunges for it-THE LIMB he's standing on SNAPS-GREG
Aaaaahhh! !
--falling and RIPPING the home's WIRE-RUN from its bracket
and sending a long, whipping, LIVE WIRE to the ground.
INT.

BURNS HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS

People react as blow-dryers, stereos, and lights go out.

EXT.

THE TREE

Greg hangs from the tree, feet dangling, while below him-EXT.

THE YARD BELOW

The live wires whip around like spark-spitting snakes, one

of them hitting the elm tree, another wriggling over to-The all-wood, just lacquered, wedding altar. WHOOMF!
EXT.

THE TREE

Greg climbs and coughs in the rising smoke, as above him-Jinx MEOWS and leaps to the rooftop. Greg follows, and as
he grabs the gutter and starts to pull himself up-EXT.

THE ROOFTOP

--the gutter bounces, Greg's pack of CAMELS jostling, then

falling off the edge into the rising cloud of smoke.
EXT.

THE BACK PORCH BELOW

The door bangs open and Bob, Jack, Larry, and Kev rush out.
Kevin stares, then SCREAMS, at his now-engulfed ALTAR.
KEVIN
Aaaaahhh! !
The bottom of the elm's ablaze too, fire licking the house.
9-9-1!

JACK
Call 9-9-1!

8/13/99 Pg. 83

EXT.

BACK PORCH

Debbie, Linda, and Pam (all in robes), and Denny, rush

outside and onto the porch, where they eye the leaping
flames.
And as Denny "woahs," and Debbie shrieks...
Greg?

PAM
Where's Greg?!

ON THE ROOF BEHIND THEM-- Jinx, then Greg, scamper by,

both of them dropping down to the roof of the garage.
EXT.

GARAGE ROOFTOP

Jinx leaps to the roof of the flatbed and bolts to freedom.

And as Greg DIVES, headfirst, through Denny's blinds...
EXT.

BURNS BACK YARD/BACK PORCH - MOMENTS LATER

A pair of FIREMEN train a hose on the smoking, blackened

elm and a charred, steaming pile of hand-carved debris.
ON THE PORCH-- Bob consoles a melancholy Kevin as Larry,
Jack, Pam, and Linda listen to a wizened FIRE-CHIEF.
FIRE-CHIEF
Cause will be tough to tell
contributing factors here.
got an old tree, some power
highly flammable wood objet

given the
You've
lines, a

d'art...

The porch door swings open, and all heads turn as-Greg steps out, looking showered (hair-wet) and confused.
GREG
Wow, I thought I heard sirens.
JACK
And just where have you been?
GREG
In the shower. Then the power died,
water pressure fell... what happened?
KEVIN
(turns and glares, eyes wet)
The wedding altar burned.
BOB
Nearly took the house up with it.
LINDA
Showering, huh? And what were you
doing before that?

8/13 /99 Pg. 84

GREG
Jeez, Linda, can I call my lawyer?
JACK
Don't get funny on us, farmboy.
PAM
(trying to understand)
Greg... I was in the shower when the
power died. And then I looked for
you in the bathroom downstairs ...
GREG
And I'll bet you didn't find me
there either and do you know why?
DINA (O.S.)
Because he wasn't there.
Dina and Debbie step outside.

And as Greg braces...

DINA (cont'd)
He was upstairs.
In my shower.
JACK
In our shower?
DINA
After Deb left, Greg said Pam was in
the shower and could he use ours.
Find everything okay, Greg?
GREG
(stunned, but goes with it)
Sure did, Dina, thanks.
I even used
your... whaddyacalli t ... soap.
DENNY

You use her deodorant too?

GREG
(forced laugh)
No, no, think I'll stick with Pam's.
DINA
That's right, Greg. You just keep
your "Secret," and I will keep mine.
She flashes him a wafer-thin grin and... Greg gets it.
nods, they have a deal. Satisfied, Jack moves on.

JACK
Dina, call Phyllis Brown, tell her
we'll be later to the shower than I
originally said. Denny-(MORE.. )

He

8/13/99 Pg. 8:

JACK (cont'd)
Call the florist, tell 'em we need a
trellis for the altar. I'm gonna
call a tree-trimmer to whack the elm
and an Edison crew to hook up the
power. Pam, help me finish putting
the china and linens in the den and
if our guests will please get
dressed I'd like to have us out of
here in fifteen minutes. Tops.
He turns and strides back into the house. A beat, and the
others follow, Debbie, Denny, and the Banks giving Greg
the eye as they head inside. Pam turns to a moping Kevin.
PAM
You going to be okay?
Yeah.

KEVIN
Gonna go thank the firemen...

He glares at Greg and heads for the Fire-Chief.

Pam sighs.

PAM
This isn't right.
GREG
What's not...
PAM
The way they're looking at you.
way they're all... thinking.

The

GREG
Wait, do they think I had something
to do with this? Do-they think--

PAM
That you started the fire?

Yes.

GREG
That's NUTS. Why would I do that?
Why would they even think I would do
that? Pam, what's going on here?
Why are they all out to get me?
PAM
Nobody's out to "get you," Greg...
JACK (0. S.)
Greg? !
INT.

JACK'S DEN - SECONDS LATER

Jack and Larry each hold a piece of the broken outlet-cam.

8/13 /99 Pg. 86

-..

JACK
You broke it, didn't you? You broke
my new state-of-the-art Outlet-Cam.
GREG
Why would I break your camera?
LARRY
That's what we'd like to know.
PAM
Mind your own business, Larry.
LARRY
It is my business, half my business.
GREG
It probably just fell or something.
JACK
That's it, Pocker.

Keep going...

PAM
Dad-- stop it! You will not
interrogate him!
If he said he
didn't do it, then he didn't do it!
JACK
So you didn't break my camera.
GREG
I wasn't anywhere near your camera.
JACK
Okay then, let's all take a look-see.
Greg looks to Pam, confused, and then Jack bends and opens
a nearby cabinet to reveal a small, high-end VCR and
MONITOR. As he SNAPS on the unit's big ni-cad battery...
PAM
Oh my God, were you spying in here?!
JACK
(hitting "Rewind")
Spying? Of course not.
I was
merely testing out a prototype.
PAM
I can't believe you!

That is sick!

JACK
Pamela, I didn't know he'd be down
here.
If I did, I certainly
wouldn't have left out my incredibly
expensive, one-of-a-kind equipment.

8/13 /99 Pg. 87

Jack hits "Play" and as the tape starts, and Greg sweats...
ON THE MONITOR-- Greg, in his Calvins, cracks the window for
air then spins, yawns, and slips a hand down his briefs.
IN THE ROOM-- CRINGES all around, especially Greg as-ON THE MONITOR-- he cups himself, turns his head, coughs.
GREG
(shrugs, to all)
My... nightly exam.
I had a scare.
This is a nightmare.

And as the tape continues...

GREG (cont'd)
Y'know, Jack, last night, there's a
chance, a small chance, I bumped it.
JACK
I thought you "didn't go near it."
GREG
I don't know why I'd say that since...
ON THE TV NOW-- Greg's heading right for the pinhole lens.
/

GREG (cont' d)
...I'm clearly heading right for it.
Pam watches, stunned, as the tape shows Greg pick it up.
GREG (cont'd)
Look, look-- are my eyes open? They
are! Very cool, I'm sleep walking.
Y'know, I've suspected this for
years but now I finally have proof.
LARRY
Sleep walking...
GREG
Look at that, look at my eye, it
looks like I'm completely awake.
ON THE TV-- Greg's holding the camera, staring into its
lens, until the image whip-pans, blurs, and... SNOW.
GREG
See that? I dropped it. Huh.
(turns, upbeat)
Man, I'd love to take a copy of this
to a sleep clinic.
PAM
Jesus, Greg!

8/13/99 Pg. 88

She pushes by him and storms down the hallway.

And as Jack and Larry stare at Greg, smug...
INT.

PAM'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Pam flops on her bed, face-down, teenage-girl style.

A beat later, Greg knocks and pops his head in.
GREG
Pam, honey, I'm sorry.
PAM
For what? Breaking the camera?
Flushing the goddam toilet-GREG
I didn't flush that toilet.
You sure?

PAM
Maybe you sleep-shat.

GREG
Okay, all right, the sleepwalking
thing was truly lame, but-PAM
No buts, Greg. You lied to me.
GREG
Honey, I panicked. But can you blame
me the way things are going? I feel
like I can't catch my breath here.
It's just one blow after another.
{sits beside her, sincere}
Pam, please. I'm very, very sorry I
lied. But you know why I did it.
I
just so want your family to like me...
(taking her hand)
Pam, please. You forgive me?
He reaches a hand up, starts stroking her hair.
PAM
Give me one reason.
GREG
Here's two-- I love you. And things
are going to get better, I promise.
He leans in for a kiss.

She hesitates_ then leans in too.

PAM
They couldn't get much worse.
JACK (O. S.)
JIIIIIINX?!

8/13/99 Pg. 8S

INT.

THE DARK, POWERLESS KITCHEN - SAME

Larry, Linda, Debbie, and Dina watch as Bob and Jack enter
from the back porch, Jack sweaty, anxious, breathing hard.
JACK
--We checked every yard, every car on
the street. Nobody's seen him.
LARRY
Maybe the firemen can help us.
LINDA
He's not in a goddam tree, Larry.
JACK
He might be! Might be anywhere! My
Jinxy, out there ail alone, without
any food, water, a toilet...
Pam and Greg enter from the hallway.
PAM
Anything we can do, Dad?
JACK
(whirling on Greg)
You tried to milk him, didn't you,
you sick son-of-a-Dad!

PAM
It wasn't Greg!

DEBBIE
But you said he hates cats...
PAM
HE DOESN'T HATE CATS.
DINA
Maybe we could print up some flyers-JACK
with what electricity?!
DINA
God, Jack, bite my head off!
JACK
Pam-- get Jinx photos, we'll canvas.
(as Pam heads off)
What about that guy, "Sherlock
Bones"? Does he just find dogs?
Denny enters from the back porch steps, with news.

8/13 /99 Pg. 9 C

DENNY

Hey Dad, Mr. Roy on the corner

thinks he saw an Animal Control Van...
JACK
The Pound? Jesus, my Jinx in a cage!
C'mon! We're going to the Shelter.
DINA
Jack-- please. Can't you call them?
He may not even be there...
JACK
Dina, I'm not betting my eat's life
on some minimum wage-making bozo
answering phones at some shelter!
DINA
But we don't have time. We're
already late for the shower, and
we're rehearsing here in an hour.
JACK
Then screw the shower, the rehearsal,
and screw the goddam wedding, too!
DEBBIE
Mom... l
LARRY
You don't mean that, Jack.
JACK
Like hell I don'tl This is Jinx, my
Jinx, and I will not pretend to be-happy and forget that he's not gone!
DINA
Then go! Find your stupid cat! And
meanwhile I'll just call Phyllis and
tell her and my twenty other friends
who are waiting for us as we speak
to shove the shower and keep their
goddam gifts.
I'm sure that will
make Bob and Debbie very happy!
DEBBIE
Actually, Mom, I don't even know
Phyllis. Or any of your friends.

DINA
No, and you never will because if we
don't go to their shower they damn
sure aren't coming to your wedding.

8/13/99 Pg. 91

DEBBIE
So? Dad's not coming either if we
can't find his dumbass cat.
JACK
Don't you dare call Jinx names--!
Dina holds up her agenda, which is already covered with
notes, scribbles, and changes.
DINA
Watching, Jack? Watching Deb?
("x"-ing something else out)
I'm crossing off the shower and
writing off my friends. What about
the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner?
Does anybody give ~ rat's ass?
LINDA
Look Dee, you do what you want with
your part of the wedding, but Larry
and I are hosting that damn dinner.
Pam returns with a handful of snapshots.
PAM
Here's some pictures. Want me to go
grab the oil portrait?
JACK
These are fine. We should check the
other shelters, too. There's a
county one in Bellport and I think
there's one in Sayville.
(handing out photos)
Take one, we'll search in groups.
Pam
and Denny in Mom's car, Deb and Bob
the Buick, Larry, Linda the Cadillac...
PAM
And Kevin has his truck.
Good.

JACK
C'mon, we'll ride with Kevin.

PAM
Dad, I'm going with Greg.
JACK
Suit yourself but let's MOVE.
He grabs a photo off the pile and rushes out the back
door. And as the others do the same, Greg turns to Pam...
GREG
Be right there, I gotta get the key.

8/13/99 Pg. 92

DINA
One hour, Jack! Father O'Boyle's
coming and we're rehearsing at five!

'-/
EXT.

BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

Kevin, still watching the Firemen, eyes the mass exodus.

JACK
Riley, give me your keys. We're
checking the shelters for Jinx...
KEVIN
Oh, okay, Jack.
He joins the exodus, and as Pam stops and waits for Greg
at the bottom of the porch steps, the Chief ambles over.
FIRE CHIEF
Well, now I've got another theory.
He holds up a small, square, burnt object.

Greg's Camels.

FIRE CHIEF
Know any smokers?
EXT.

BACK PORCH - MOMENTS LATER

Greg walks toward the rental car, looking around.

GREG
Pam... ?

In the distance-- the SOUND of a truck, shifting gears.

INT.

KEVIN'S TRUCK - HEADING DOWN THE ROAD - SAME

New-passenger Pam settles in beside Kevin as Jack grinds

through the gears. As Kevin helps her buckle up...
JACK
I thought you were going with Greg.
PAM
(upset)
Greg's not coming, Dad.
JACK
I'm not surprised.
KEVIN
Peanut, you okay?
PAM
...yeah.. long day...

8/13/99 Pg. 93

KEVIN
Boy, I'll say. Poor Bob and Deb. I
just hope when my wedding day comes,
things go a lot smoother. Yours too...
PAM
Yeah, well, after today, I don't
think I'll ever get married.
JACK
Never say never, sweety. There must
be a million guys out there who'd
marry you tomorrow, am I right Riles?
HONN-HONK!

Jack eyes his mirror.

A teal car's tailing.

JACK
Great, some loser's on my ass.
Pam eyes the side-view mirror.
EXT.

Yup-- Greg, in the Taurus.

A TWO-LANE HIGHWAY

Greg accelerates, pulls up along the right shoulder.

And as he shoots Pam an animated "what happened?" shrug.
INT.

THE FLATBED
It's Glen!

KEVIN
What's he doing?

Jack downshifts and accelerates, trying to outrun him.

JACK
I'm not waiting to find out.
EXT.

THE HIGHWAY

The truck and Taurus race doWn the roadway, Jack not
yielding, keeping Greg on the soft, narrow shoulder.
INT.

GREG'S CAR

Greg sees the shoulder ends soon. He brakes, swerves back

on the road behind the truck, and as he goes to pass...
A BUS BARRELS HIS WAY. HONNNNK! Greg nails the brakes,
whips the wheel, and falls in behind the flatbed, barely
missing a deadly head-on with the speeding Greyhound bus.
INT.

KEVIN'S TRUCK
JACK
Did you see that?

What a maniac!

8/13/99 Pg. 94

KEVIN
Pam, what're you doing with this guy?
The $64, 000 question.

And as Pam stares, blankly...

PAM
I don't know...
INT.

COUNTY ANIMAL SHELTER - BELLPORT - PARKING LOT - DAY

Jack jumps out of the parked truck, Jinx photos in hand.

He sees two bui1dings-- one a kennel, the other an office.
JACK
You kids check death row, I'll file a
missing feline report. Let's go!
INT.

SHELTER KENNELS - SECONDS LATER

A steel door swings open and the place comes alive.

Dogs whine, cats cry, puppies yelp, kitties caterwaul, all
of them pressing up against cages, pleading for salvation.
Kevin and Pam walk a corridor of double-sided cages,
carefully checking each one for Jinx. A beat, and...
Greg rushes in, looking mad and confused. He sees them...
GREG
Pam, what's going on?
...but Pam and Kevin ignore him, keep walking.
GREG {cont'd}
I come outside, you're gone.
I pull
alongside, your Dad cuts me off-KEVIN
{whirling}
Take a hint, you... doo fus .
GREG
"Doofus"? And you kiss Jack with
that mouth?
Lightning quick, Kevin SHOVES Greg. Greg stumbles back
and hits a cage, scaring a poor Chihuahua shit1ess. Then
he makes two fists and turns toward the much bigger Kevin.
GREG
You're going to be sorry, my friend.
KEVIN
I'm not your friend.

8/13 / 99 Pg. 9:

GREG
I was talking to myself, asshole.
And as he (stupidly) charges him-PAM (0. S. )
HEY--!
Greg stops.

Both turn.

Pam's staring, fiercely.

PAM
Kevin, find someone who works here.
And Greg? Get lost.
She spins and continues walking, checking cages. Kevin
shoots Greg a satisfied smirk before turning and heading
down a hallway. Greg stands there a beat, then notices a
door adjacent to the cages marked:
UEmployees Only."
DOWN THE AISLE OF CAGES - SECONDS LATER
Pam walks past cage after sad
But when she gets to an empty
There's Greg, staring back at
accessed the uback aisle" the

cage, peering inside.

one-her through the bars. He's
shelter employees use.

PAM
What are you doing back there?
GREG
1... got lost.

Bad move.
Pam walks on. Greg follows, both of them
walking and talking on either side of the ucellblock."
Pam, wait.

GREG.
I'm sorry.
PAM

For what?
GREG
For... whatever you're mad about.
She stops and turns, eyeing him through an empty cage.
PAM
The firemen found cigarettes, Greg.
Camels. You couldn't do it, could
you. You couldn't go a day without
your goddam smokes so you bought
some at the Buy-Rite, snuck in the
backyard and--

8/13/99 Pg. 96

GREG
Woah, Matlock, hold on.
I did not
buy cigarettes. And the only smokes
I did have you threw on the roof----(beat, realizing)
Hey, there you go. The firemen's
hose must have knocked them down...
PAM
Or you had more in your suitcase.
GREG
What suitcase? The idiots sent me
the wrong bag-- (oops... )
What?

PAM
You said it was yours--

GREG
Pam, honey, I can explain-PAM
You lied to me AGAIN? Jesus, Greg,
you're a sociopath!
Is it any
wonder my parents hate you?!
She's off again, Greg following.
GREG
C'mon, they don't "hate me." Okay,
they hate me but Pam, stop. PLEASE.
She does, turning and facing him through the cage of a
trembling mutt. Make it good, Greg.
'Cause this is it.
GREG (cont'd)
I'm not a sociopath.
I'm still
Greg, that guy from Chicago who
loves you more than anything. And
Pam, I'm your best friend. And you
don't just... dump your best friend.
The caged mutt whimpers in agreement.

Greg goes with it.

GREG (cont' d)
You don't... abandon someone who gives
unconditional love, someone who
lives just to make you happy-PAM
Enough, I get it. And it's pointless
since I can't trust you, my family
can't trust you-j

GREG
You can trust me, Pam.

Trust me.

8/13 /99 Pg. 97

PAM
(eyes welling)
Greg, I can't. Not after today...

-.. J

She turns and heads down the aisle. Greg stares, too
stunned to follow, and as he slumps against a cold,
concrete wall... three voices drift down doggy-death-row.
JACK (0. S. )
Is he here? The guy behind the
counter said he wasn't sure...
Sorry, Jack.
Damn!

KEVIN (0 . S . )
No Jinx...

JACK (O.S.)
e'mon, we'll try Sayville.

PAM (O.S., FADING)

Dad, there's no way Jinx got as far
as Sayville. Besides, we'll never
make it back in time for rehearsal-The door slams with a THUD.
EXT.

And as the mutt whines.:.

THE L.I.E. - WESTBOUND - DAY

The Taurus heads back from whence it came.

Past a sign: "Queens, LaGaurdia - 48 Mi"
INT.

GREG'S CAR - DRIVING WEST ON THE L.I.E. - DAY

Greg drives, numb. On his dash-- his Jinx photo.

On the radio-- Bread's "Baby I'm A Want You." Greg
suffers through David Gates' saccharine swill until he
can't take it any longer. He jabs a pre-set and gets-Streisand, "The Way We Were." He kills it, then sees-A Roadway sign: "WELCOME TO SAYVJ:LLE"...
Almost immediately followed by another:
"POLJ:CE, FJ:RE, ANJ:MAL SHELTER, NEXT RT."

Greg eyes the Jinx photo, then the exit. What the hell.
He whips the wheels, bombing across traffic lanes, and...
EXT.

SAYVILLE ANIMAL SHELTER - MOMENTS LATER

Greg and an Employee walk past a series of outdoor runs

filled with noisy dogs and cats, Greg holding the photo.
EMPLOYEE
Only Persian we got's right there.
He nods to a crowded run.

Sitting alone in a corner is--

8/13 /99 Pg. 98

Jinx!

\,

GREG
That's him, that's Jinx!

The worker eyes Greg's Jinx photo, including Jinx's blue

collar and gold name tag, then eyes the caged cat.
EMPLOYEE
Hang on. This cat arrived with not
collar or tag. Also...
(checking photo again)
...your cat has a black tip on its tail
and this one doesn't. No sir, he's
definitely not your Persian.
Damn.
Almost.

GREG
Thought for sure it was him.
EMPLOYEE
Except for that tail...

And as Greg gets a far-away look in his eyes...

EXT. STRIP-MALL PET SHOP - LATER
A dozen SIGNS hang in the window, including "Tags Made
While-U-Wait." Greg strolls outside, paper bag in hand.
EXT.

STRIP MALL PARKING LOT

The Taurus is backed up against the side of the building.

Greg reaches in an open window, pulls out a small Buy-Rite
paper bag. Then he walks to the trunk, looks around, and
raises it up to block all but his head from view. Then...
There's the sound of a latch opening, a paper-bag
crinkling, a plastic cap "popping," a ball rattling around
inside a can, an aerosol HISS... and the WAIL of a cat.
EXT.

BURNS BACKYARD - LATER

A handsome couple, flanked by their families, gather in the

shadow of an elm, holding hands and smiling as a PRIEST
(O'Boyle) prepares to lead them through their vows. Then-CHAINSAWS ROAR as a TREE-CUTTING CREW attacks the scorched
tree and burnt altar, tossing wood and severed limbs into-A diesel WOODCHIPPER, belching black exhaust and woodpulp,
its obscenely loud blades competing for decibels with-THE BEEP-BEEP-BEEP of an Edison TRUCK, backing a cherry
picker up to the home, the driver trying not to hit-A SEPTIC TANK PUMPER (cute li'l skunk on its side) and its
gas-masked DRIVER, as he wrestles a sewage-filled HOSE
beneath a SWARM of flies, drinking in the fetid air.

8/13/99 Pg. 99

UNDER THE ELM-- the determined Clergyman tries yelling

over the hellish cacophony, but the stress is mounting...

---

Larry and Linda look LIVID. Pam and Kevin cup their EARS.
VEINS bulge in Jack's neck. TEARS well in Dina'S eyes.
BLOOD trickles from Debbie's nose. All of them turn as-A teal Taurus pulls into the drive. Greg gets out, squints
at the loud, surrealistic sight, and then... Jack SNAPS.
JACK
YOU.
He rushes Greg, fists clenched, mayhem in mind.
PAM
Dad.. !
Jack... !

GREG
Wait... !

He fumbles with the keys, drops them, kicks them back

toward the trunk, scoops them up, finds the one, slides it
in, pops the trunk, and just as Jack's about to grab him-GREG
Look--!
He holds up a CAT-CARRIER, a meowing Persian inside.
And instantly... Jack goes from tiger to pussycat.
JACK
Jinxy?
He looks to Greg, lip trembling, eyes welling and..
INT.

KITCHEN - LATER

LAUGHTER, as the two families unwind, sip drinks, and

watch as Jack waltzes 'round the kitchen, the IMPOSTOR CAT
in his arms. The backyard's quiet now, the workers gone.
JACK
"Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you... "
The PHONE rings, Dina answering while Greg holds court.
GREG
...and when I checked his collar and saw
his "Jinx" name tag, my heart... soared.
Sayville?

KEVIN
Wonder how he got so far?

DEBBIE
Or how he crossed the Browns River...

8/13/99 Pg. 100

GREG
(shrugs)
Cat-amaran?
Greg SCORES, getting laughs from everyone but Kevin, who
looks annoyed, and Pam, who looks... reserved. But before
it gets too fun-- Dina hangs up the phone, turns to Greg.
DINA
Greg, I just got an interesting call-(as Greg's face drains)
--from the Tux Shop owner. He says
he found a matching tux in your size
and he'll drop it by here tonight.
JACK
Hey, that's great!
Debbie and the Banks chime in, equally enthused.
GREG
Then I'm back in the wedding?
JACK
Of course! You're Pam's boyfriend-you're practically family, right?
GREG
(smiles, overwhelmed)
If you say so, Jack.
I do say so.

JACK
And so does my Jinxy.

The Impostor actually meows. Everyone LAUGHS, and as Jack

continues the waltz and Dina fields another PHONE CALL...
Jack suddenly stops, and feels the tip of the eat's tail.
PAM
What's the matter, Dad?
JACK
Something sticky got on his taiL..
GREG
Probably road tar. The Cat-Catcher
said he found him under a car...
JACK
(sniffs fur)
He smells different.

Like... paint.

GREG
I'm not surprised-- they were
painting the whole pound today.

8/13/99 Pg. 101

JACK
(ignores Greg, to cat)
"Fe-lines... nothing more than... "
He grabs the Impostor's whiskers for a "sing-a-long" and-ROWR-HISS! The Cat SWIPES at him, squirms, jumps down.
JACK
Jinxy-- what's come over you?
He starts to follow, but as the cat bolts past Dina...
DINA
Jack-- leave the poor cat alone.
He's been through enough today.
JACK
(stops, back in wedding-mode)
Who was that on the phone?
DINA
The florist.
He says he has a
gorgeous trellis for an altar and
then Phyllis beeped in and said
don't worry about the shower, they
understand, and everyone'll see us
here tomorrow for the wedding.
See?

LINDA
I knew it would all work out.
LARRY

A toast!

To things working out!

Everyone raises a glass, including Jack (convinced for now)

and Greg, who toasts Pam. And as she toasts back, thawing...
EXT.

"THE SURF'N'TURF" - A WATERFRONT RESTAURANT - DUSK

The name's in NEON, the second "f" on the fritz, winking.

INT.

THE SURF'N'TURF - SEMI-PRIVATE ROOM - LATER

Dessert. Coffee flows as the wedding party laughs and

chats at a long, cluttered table. Bob, Deb, Denny, and the
parents look relaxed, buzzed.
Pam and Kevin, side-by-side,
look less so. An empty chair sits between Jack and Pam.
JACK
Well gang, helluva day.
And flood.

We had fire...

LINDA
Well, sewage seepage.

8/13/99 Pg. 102

DEBBIE
And Dad had a missing-cat cardiac...
DINA
I guess it just goes to show you.
You can plan and plan, but no matter
what, every wedding eventually-THE OTHERS
--"has its one thing."
And as they all laugh it up, Jack looks around.
JACK
Pam, honey, where'd Greg go?
I'm not sure.

PAM
I think the res troom...

KEVIN
Uh-oh. Sure hope the "Surf'N'Turd"
doesn' t have a septic tank...
Kevin grins and nods, awaiting a laugh.

None comes.

JACK
Kevin, that's really uncalled for.
OVER BY THE RESTROOMS-- Greg eyes them from afar, hiding
between two pay-phone partitions and using BOTH PHONES.
GREG (INTO ONE PHONE)
--yes, it's still grey and still has
a ring in it-- a ring I absolutely
need by tomorrow, hear me? Hang on...
(into the other phone)
What's that? No, I called that
shelter, my eat's not there...
BACK AT THE TABLE - SECONDS LATER
Bob sees Greg returning.

He stands, waves him over.

BOB
Gregor, shake it! Can't do this
without you here, buddy.
GREG
Sorry folks, I was just paying a
l i ' l visit to the_ urinal fairy.
LAUGHS as Greg scores with this tepid call-back. It truly
is a different world. He takes his seat beside Jack, who
grins and pats his back as Bob taps a spoon on a glass.

8/13 /99 Pg. 103

BOB
All righty, everybody, listen up.
I'd like to take this moment to thank
the members of my wedding party for
standing up with me, and to give them
each a token of my appreciation.
GREG
A free angioplasty?
Greg scores!

The man's on fire.

BOB
No Greg, but you're not far off.
He tosses Greg, Denny, and Kevin three small, wrapped
boxes. Denny tears his open in a millisecond.
It's-DENNY

A knife!

Swiss Army Knife.

Good ones, too, lots of doohickeys.

Cool.
Dina looks concerned.

DINA
Is Denny old enough for a knife?
BOB
The main blade's only three inches.
GREG
Three inches on an army knife. No
wonder the Swiss were always neutral.
HAT TRICK, the Burns and Banks laughing and beaming at
white-hot Greg. Even Pam shoots him a smile, clearly
impressed. Bob turns toward the somber Kevin beside her,
who's sitting and staring at his unopened army knife.
BOB
Hope you like it, Riles.
It's hard
to buy for a guy who has everything.
KEVIN
Well, almost everything.
He shoots a none-too-subtle look Pam's way, who looks
down, clearly uncomfortable, and as the moment hangs...
Greg turns to Jack, feeling good and ready to try again.
GREG
Jack, when you're free, there'S something important I'd like to ask you...
I'm free now.

JACK
What's on your mind?

8/13/99 Pg. 104

A BAND starts in the main room, the B-52's "Love Shack."

DEBBIE
Hey everybody! Let's go dance!
She jumps up, as do the Banks and Dina, who beckons Jack.
DINA
C'mon, we'll practice for tomorrow!
Jack stands, takes her hand, turns to Greg...
JACK
We'll talk later.

C'mon and dance!

Dina leads him to the parquet, and as a bombed Bob and

boppin' Debbie drag a crabby Kevin along with them...
That leaves Denny (now playing mumbly-peg), Greg, and-PAM
Wanna get some air?
EXT.

THE SURF' N' TURF PATIO AREA - NIGHT

Music behind them, phosphorescent surf before them, Pam

and Greg lean against a rail, enjoying the moonlit sea.
GREG
Mrnm. nothing says Summer like a warm

night and the smell of the ocean...

PAM
Except maybe a warm day, and the...
smell of beer and dogs at Wrigley.
That's all it takes.

They turn to each other, back.

PAM/GREG

I'm sorry...
GREG
You're sorry?
PAM
I thought about what you said, about
the cigarettes being knocked down by
the firemen's hose, and-GREG
Pam, it's okay. Today was crazy.
Let's just forget all about what
happened today. Life starts tonight.
He moves toward her, taking her hand.

8/13/99 Pg. 105

PAM
Yeah, you're scoring big tonight.

GREG
Right, so now there's no reason why
we can't all be one big, happy
family. You, me, Jack, Dee, Kevin...
He says this tongue-in-cheek.

Pam shakes her head, sighs.

PAM
Poor Kevin.
I don't know what I was
thinking.
I'm sure he thinks we're
getting back together again.
GREG
I'm still wondering why you broke up.
The guy seems damn near perfect.
PAM
He is perfect. And the idea of
spending the rest of my life with
someone who's so... together that the
only person he needs in his life is
himself, well, who needs that? I
need a relationship I can bring
something to, a man I can change,
someone at least as screwed up as me.

GREG
And I know just the guy.
He grins big, pointing a finger at his big, grinning face.
Pam smiles, nods, and as they both lean in and kiss...
THE BAND segues into a sweet, romantic Gershwin song.

GREG
Hey, they're playing our song.
PAM
We don't have a song.
GREG
We do now.
He smiles, takes her hand, and as they head back inside...
INT.

SURF'N'TURF RESTAURANT - DANCE FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER

The gang's all there, dancing cheek-to-cheek. Jack with

Dina, Linda with Larry, Debbie with Bob. No sign of Kevin.
Greg and Pam sway alongside Debbie and Bob, now kissing .
./

PAM
Hey now, none of that the night
before your wedding.
It's bad luck.

8/13/99 Pg. 106

Ha.

DEBBIE
Nothing's going to top today.

BOB
So long as that darn cat stays put.
JACK
Oh, Jinxy's not going anywhere.
I shut him up in the den.
The Gershwin tune ends, Larry and Linda moving to the
bandstand, making a request, and suddenly...
CHEESY LEAD SINGER
This one's for Dr. Bob and Debbie!
And as the band strikes up a jazzy "Wedding March" ...
CHEESY LEAD SINGER (cont'd)
Here comes the bride, scooby-dooby...
...the music continues over this INTERCUT SERIES OF SHOTS-INT. THE DEN/THE DANCE FLOOR
--The Impostor Cat CLAWS Deb's wedding dress to shreds.
--Bob whirls Debbie around the floor.
--Impostor Cat PEES on the laid-out tuxes.
--Jack dips a laughing Dina.
--Impostor Cat PUKES on some linens, knocks over a phone.
--Larry and Linda clap and laugh beside the crooner.
--Impostor Cat TOPPLES a stack of dishes. KSSSSSHH!!
--And as Greg and Pam dance their troubles away...
EXT.

THE BURNS HOME - FROM AFAR - NIGHT - LATER

Car doors slam. Nine shadowy figures move toward the

backporch in the moonlight. Bob (lit) and Deb sing.
BOB AND DEBBIE (O.S.)
...Love Shack! Ba- bee, Love Shack... !
JACK (0. S.)
Dee honey, what's this bag here?
DINA (O.S.)
Oh good-- it's Greg's tux. Be a
dear and put it with the others.
LINDA (0 . S . )
I can't believe Riley just left.
DENNY

(0 . S . )

He said he wasn't feeling too hot.

8/13/99 Pg. 107

I see stars.

LARRY (0. S . )
Gonna be nice tomorrow.

GREG (0. S.)

Oh, it's gonna be beautiful.
Suddenly, Jack starts to SCREAM.
What?!

DINA/DEBBIE (O.S.)
What is it?!

EVERYONE (0. S. )
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! ! ! !
INT.

THE DEVASTATED DEN - IN THE DOORWAY

Nine stunned faces eye the destruction. Tattered tuxes,

torn drapes, broken picture frames, plates, and glasses,
puked-on dresses, shattered Nanny-Cams, a phone off the
hook... And atop the sofa-bed, licking a paw and purring-THE IMPOSTOR CAT
Meow?
Debbie stammers, stunned, speechless. Beside her-Larry is so mad he actually GROWLS and CHARGES "Jinx."
LARRY
I'll kill you!
I'll kill you!
The cat bolts, Larry on his ass.

Jack gets on Larry's.

JACK
Don't you touch him Banks!
The cat slaloms through the shins of Bob, Pam and Denny-BOB/PAM/DENNY
Dad!/Larry!/Dude!
--who RESTRAIN Larry as Jack scoops up the frazzled cat.
LARRY
Let me go! You Burns care more
about a damn cat than the wedding!
JACK
You're drunk!
LARRY
And you're a goddam nutbag!
DENNY
Shuttup, ass-wipe.

8/13 / 9 9 Pg. 108

DINA
\

..

Denny!

.' ' ;

She whirls and SLAPS him on the face, probably a first.

DENNY
I'm outta here.

He bumps his way out, past the still stunned and trembling
Debbie, the gaping Greg, and the pale, gasping Linda who...
Crumples against the wall and then DROPS to the floor.
BOB/LARRY
MOM?

LIN?

They push through and kneel at her side.

BOB
She's hyperventilating!

Get a bag!

Pam hands Bob a "Surf'N'Turf" doggy bag, which he shoves

over his mother's mouth. Linda struggles and pushes it
away, Bob dumping out a cold lobster tail and trying
again. And as Linda starts to breathe... Debbie loses 'it.
IT'S RUINED.

DEBBIE
EVERYTHING'S RUINED!

She turns and bolts, bawling.

Bob and Pam give chase--

PAM/BOB
Debbie!
--and Larry helps Linda up, her face still in the bag.
LINDA
...I'm fine... I'll be fine...
Larry looks to Dina and then to Jack, who's still cradling
the now-calm cat. He speaks slowly, trying to maintain.
LARRY
We... will be at our hotel. You call
us if there's still a wedding...
Linda leans on Larry and they hobble toward the back door,
passing Dina, who ignores them as she glares at Jack and
"Jinx." Then she turns and heads down the hall, leaving...
Jack, Greg, and the purring Impostor Cat.

Jack in a daze.

JACK
He's never done anything like this
before.
It doesn't make sense...
He looks to Greg, as if expecting an answer.

8/13/99 Pg. 109

GREG
Maybe he was traumatized, from being
left so soon after being lost.
JACK
(then, looking at Jinx)
It's like he came back from that
pound an entirely different cat...
(beat, breaking down)
Oh, what's it matter? I've destroyed
my Debbie-Doodle's wedding day...
He sags, chin meeting chest, then begins to SOB, the
Impostor Cat dropping from Jack's lap to the floor.
Greg, feeling guilty, moves closer to Jack. He raises a
hand, hesitates, then places it awkwardly on Jack's heaving
shoulder, patting him lightly as if burping a baby.
GREG
It's okay, Jack.
It'll work out...
Touched, Jack looks up, his eyes welling with gratitude.
JACK
Greg... thanks... for
(pats Greg's
And you said back
was something you

being here for me...

patting hand)
at dinner, there
wanted to ask me... ?

Greg eyes Jack, so weak, so vulnerable.

The time has come.

GREG
Jack, if there's one thing I've
realized over the last two days, it's
how much I want to spend my life with...
A CAT runs in behind Jack. A PERSIAN. JINX. As he races
up to his evil doppelganger, back-raised, ready to rumble...
GREG
...CATS!
He GROWLS, cat-like, THROWING himself on Jack and STARTLING
THE PERSIANS who bolt, together, down the hall. Then Greg
gets up on his elbows, nose-to-nose on the bed with Jack.
GREG (cont' d)
So if Jinx has pups can I have one,
please? Think about it. G'night.
He rolls off the bed and runs after the (now-gone) cats.
And as Jack sits up, looking weepy, mad, and confused...

8/13 /99 Pg. 11 0

INT.

THE KITCHEN

Dina sits at the table, Tom Collins in one hand, Vodka

bottle in the other. She watches, bleary-eyed, as-Jinx runs by, followed by the Impostor Cat, followed by-GREG
...hey...
Dina squints and eyes her drink as Jack races by.
DINA
Honey, why is Jinx chasing Jinx?
JACK
Have a drink, Dina!
INT.

BURNS HOME - SECOND STORY HALLWAY

The Impostor Cat flies up the stairs, Jinx on his tail.

INT.

DEBBIE'S ROOM - ON THE BED

Pam sits on the bed, comforting Debbie. Jinx and the I.C.
race by, unseen, and as Pam looks up and sees Greg run by...
PAM
Now what?
INT.

DENNY'S ROOM

The cats run in, Jinx cornering the Impostor. CAT FIGHT!
Greg runs in, slams the door, and dives into the melee,
grabbing one of the hissing, clawing cats by the scruff.
Ow!

Shit!

GREG
Aah!
PAM (APPROACHING, O.S.)

Greg?
He looks to the window, then down at the cat-GREG
Please don't be Jinx.
--before grabbing the sling of the water-condom launcher.
EXT.

THE NEIGHBORHOOD - TWO SECONDS LATER

A hair-raising DOPPLER-HOWL pierces the night sky as the

Impostor Cat CATAPULTS over tranquil suburbia.
THE IMPOSTOR CAT
eeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYooooowwwww!

8/13 /99 Pg. 111

INT.

DENNY'S ROOM

Pam swings the door open, Jack right behind her. Greg
spins from the window and strikes a casual pose, the
launcher's rubber sling still swinging a bit behind him.
GREG
Pam, Jack, what's up?
JACK
I thought I heard the cat cry.
Jinx(?) rubs against Greg's shins.
You did.

Greg lifts him up--

GREG
I was just--

He YANKS some fur from a paint:....free tail.

Jinx YOWLS.

GREG (cont'd)
--picking tar off him. Soft, see?
Jack eyes Greg, wary, before taking Jinx back and giving
him another hard look. Then, convinced it's his Jinx...
JACK
Well I, for one, am whacked.

Night.

PAM
Night, Dad.
She pecks his cheek.

Greg gives a little wave.

GREG
G'night, Jack. Mister Jinx.
Jack nods, leaves with his cat, and Greg turns to Pam.
GREG
So, how's Debbie doing?
PAM
Fine. The wedding's still on, it's
just going to have to be casual.
She thinks maybe on their fifth
anniversary, they'll come back here,
renew their vows, and try it again.
Huh.

GREG
Well, take lots of pictures.

PAM
I'm not coming. No fucking way.
J

They laugh, smile, then lean in and kiss.

8/13/99 Pg. 112

PAM
You know what's crazy? It worked
out. After all this... insani ty... I
think my parents actually like you.
GREG
(eyebrows up, hopeful)
Enough to let us sleep together?
EXT.

MOONLIT BACK PORCH - NIGHT

The door opens and Greg steps out, juggling a pillow,

blanket, and tomorrow's (bagged) tux. As he flips on a
porch light... there's Doctor Bob, in a chair, wi th a beer.
GREG
Bob? Sorry, I thought I'd crash out
here. The den smells like... cat piss.
BOB
Go for it, I'm almost done. Just
having one last brew as a free man.
Greg plops his stuff on the couch, starts making up a bed.
GREG
Well, 24 hours from now i t ' l l all be
over and you'll be jetting to your
honeymoon. Where you two heading?
BOB
We're just driving up to Niagara.
I
have to start NYU in a week.
(drains his beer)
Yup, after tonight, it gets rough.
From now on, my life is... pressure.
GREG
But Med-School... that's great. What
field of medicine you looking at?
BOB
What else? Plastic Surgery. After
all, we gotta please the p's_
(drains beer, crumples can)
Speaking of which, you seen 'ern?
Your parents?
Shit.

GREG
They left a while ago.

BOB
They were my ride to Riley's.

Oh.

GREG
Well, I have a car, the rental...

8/13/99 Pg. 113

He fishes out the key, tosses it to Bob.

BOB
Thanks man, lowe ya one.
GREG
Hey, you too.
Bob slaps Greg's back and heads for the car. Greg smiles,
and starts to undress, feeling pretty good about things.
And as Bob backs the Taurus up the drive, DISSOLVE TO:
EXT.

BURNS HOME - DRIVEWAY - EARLY MORNING

...and the Cadillac pulls in right where the Taurus left.

Lar, Lin, and Kev get out, wearing sweats, looking anxious.
EXT.

BURNS HOME - FRONT DOOR

Larry POUNDS the front door as Linda nails the bell.

INT.

BURNS HOME - THE KITCHEN

Jack and Dina, in their robes, trade quizzing looks.

INT. THE FOYER - SECONDS LATER
Jack opens the door, Dina behind him.

The trio push by.

LINDA/LARRY
Where's Doctor Bob? BOB M.D.?!
DINA/JACK
Larry, Linda--/What's going on?
UPSTAIRS-- Pam (jog clothes) Debbie (a robe), and Denny
(last night's clothes) straggle out to the landing.
LARRY
My son up there?
KEVIN
I woke up and he was gone.
was ever there...
What?

If he

DEBBIE/PAM
Why didn't you call us?

LARRY
You got a goddam phone off the hook!
DINA
He didn't leave a note, or anything?
JACK
Where could he go?

He has no car.

8/13/99 Pg. 114

GREG (O.S.)
\

Actually...

../

Greg enters from the hall in Pam's "Hello Kitty" sleep-tee.

GREG
...1 gave him mine.
LARRY
You gave him yours?
GREG
Yeah, we were up talking last night-JACK
What did you say to him?!
GREG
Nothing. We were just talking.
About marriage and... pressure...
JESUS!

LINDA/LARRY
What ' d you say, you Pothead?!.

GREG
That wasn't my pot-DENNY

He's high.
JACK
Don't lie to us, Focker!
GREG
You're one to talk, "Johnny".
Carol and the beach house?

How's

JACK
You spied on me? You son-of-a-DINA
Carol who, Jack? The realtor?
You're-SCrewing her again?!!
PAM/DEBBIE/DENNY
What?/Dad?!/Cool.
JACK
Dina-- I told you that was over.
DEBBIE
Daddy, how could you?!
JACK
To get even with her and Ed O'Boyle!

8/13/99 Pg. 1E

PAM
Father O'Boyle?
DINA
At least Ed and I knew when to quit!
We're not off at some ubeach house."
JACK
That ubeach house" happens to be one
of Carol's listings, which I just
happened to buy-- to give to you!
DINA
What do I want a beach house for?!
JACK
For our twenty-fifth fucking
anniversary, Dina! SUR-PRISE!
Who cares?!

LARRY
Where's Bob, Focker?

GREG
How should I know?! Maybe he
couldn't take the pressure-- of the
wedding, and being a Dad.
What?!

BURNS/BANKS
You're pregnant?!

Thanks, Mom!

DEBBIE
Thanks SO MUCH.

DINA
I didn't tell him!
DEBBIE
Then how could he know?!
DINA
He was peeping on us, in the tree!
GREG
I wasn't, I was chasing the cat-JACK
You let Jinx out?

KEVIN
You burned my altar?!

LARRY
No wonder Bob left-- it's
a goddam shotgun wedding!

GREG
Not on purpose but yeah, a
I burned your faggy altar!

JACK
(whirls, to Larry)
You asshole... !

KEVIN
(charging Greg)
You asshole... !

8/13/99 Pg. 116

Jack SHOVES Larry.

Kevin SHOVES Greg.

And just like that...

IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL, Jack and Larry duking and wrestling as

Dina and Linda kick, slap, and pull hair.
Pam works both
sides, trying to pull Jack off Larry and Kevin off Greg.
Stop it!

PAM
STOP!

Kevin pins Greg on his back, raises a mighty fist, and-Pam jumps on Kev's back, pounding him, arms flailing.
And as he's forced to turn his attention to Pam-DENNY

(0 S )

Greg-Denny, on the balcony, tosses Greg something-- his Swiss

Army Knife. He catches it, blindly flips out some steel-GREG
Let's rock, motherfucker!
--and JABS Kevin in the thigh with a shiny li'l CORKSCREW.
Kevin HOWLS. He FLINGS Pam off his back, sending her
skidding away on her fanny (pack) . Jack sees this, gets off
Larry, and as Kevin makes a fist for Greg's coup de grace...
JACK
Riley-Kev turns and BAM! Catches Jack's FIST in his face. He
falls back, Jack diving on top of him, slugging away, and
as Pam, furious, joins in and the three of them roll past
the bawling Debbie and the hair-pulling Dina and Linda...
Greg stares, dazed, watching the chaos before him.
blank expression says it all.
It's over.
EXT.

His

THE BACK PORCH - SECONDS LATER

Greg steps out with his wallet, shoes, and (still bagged)
TUX, Jinx bolting out the door before it shuts. And as
Greg heads for the driveway, walking and dressing...
INT.

THE FOYER

Jack, still atop Kevin, spies Greg from a front window.

He headbutts Riley, ending that, gets up, and...
EXT.

THE DRIVEWAY - SECONDS LATER

JACK (0. S.)
Focker--?!

...Jack's coming down the front steps, heading for Greg.

8/13/99 Pg. 117

JACK (cont' d)
You think you can destroy my family
and just walk away?
No chance...
GREG
That's right, no chance. I never had
a chance with you, did I, Jack?
Because I'm not someone you... profiled
and selected for your daughter.
JACK
Only the best for my girls,
Nurse-boy.
GREG
Yeah, okay, I'm a nurse.
I empty
bedpans, insert catheters and shave
people's privates but you know what,
Mr. CIA? I am proud of my job, and
I'm a helluva lot better at it than
you are, Santa.
JACK
What--?
GREG
You don't have a clue about me. You
think I did things I didn't and don't
know half the things I did. The
truth is, I could be a spy, but you
don't have the balls to be a nurse.
You don't know a thing about it.
JACK
I know how to draw blood..
As he comes for him, Pam appears on the front porch.
DAD!

GREG!

PAM
What are you doing?!

GREG
I love your daughter, Mr. Burns.
(turns to Pam)
I want to marry her, make her happy.
JACK
You can't make her happy.
PAM
Dad-J

JACK
Pamcake, stay out of this--

8/13/99 Pg. 118

PAM
NO!
I'm not a ... cat you can train like
a dog!
Stop telling me what to do.
JACK
Pam, I'm trying to protect you-PAM
From what?
JACK
He destroyed our family.
what happened in there--

You saw

PAM
Yeah, and God knows why a nice guy
like Greg Focker would want to join
a fucked-up family like ours.
You're not trying to protect me,
Dad. You're trying to... keep me.
She says this with such conviction and clarity that Jack
is completely shut down. And as the moment hangs...
A number of WEDDING-RELATED VANS pull into the driveway.
Followed by a WHITE VAN, the Driver calling to Greg.
Mr. Gregory?

VAN DRIVER
I got your bag...

And as he holds up a lime-green Samsoni te...

GREG
Thanks, listen, you going back to
LaGaurdia? Because I need a ride.
VAN DRIVER
Hop in.

Uh... sure.
Greg spins to Pam.

Reaches a hand to her.

Pam, c'mon.

GREG
Come with me.
JACK

Baby, don't...
GREG
We can be back in Chicago by noon.
There's a day game, at Wrigley...
She takes Greg's hand, her eyes on Jack, her heart breaking.
PAM
He loves me, Daddy.

8/13/99 Pg. 119

He reaches out and takes Pam's other hand.

JACK
I love you, Pumpkin.

PAM
I know. Let me go, Dad.
(almost a whisper)
Let go...
Jack drops her hand.
INT.

Pam nods, turns, and climbs in...

THE VAN

...sharing the seat with a much-relieved Greg. They pull

away, Pam watching Jack shrink in the dirty side-mirror,
and as she turns to Greg and musters a bittersweet smile...
EXT.

BURNS HOME - FRONT YARD

Jack is distraught, in pain. He paces a circle, stops,

then sits on the front lawn steps, breaking down, a few
feet away from a MALE FLORIST unloading his van.
Seeing this, the Florist ambles over, concerned.
Mr. Burns?

MALE FLORIST
Are you okay?

JACK
(looks up, eyes wet)
My daughter... I've lost my daughter...
MALE FLORIST
(patting Jack's back)
Now, now. You're gaining a son...
They look up as a car arrives.
Hey Mr. B!

Teal Taurus.

BOB INSIDE.

BOB
This is it, the big day.

JACK
(stands, irate)
Where the hell've you been?
BOB
Scoring breakfast.
(steps out with donut box)
I got up early, got a baker's dozen,
went back to Riley's and he wasn't
there. Nice of him to leave a note~
And as Jack looks beyond him to the teal rental car...

8/13/99 Pg. 12C

EXT.

LAGUARDIA AIRPORT - CURBSIDE - MORNING

Pam and Greg step out of the van, Greg drawing immediate
looks with his pillow hair and "Hello Kitty" tux-ensemble.
INT.

AIRPORT - TICKET COUNTER - MOMENTS LATER

Pam and Greg stare, numb, as a CLERK hands them tickets.

TICKET CLERK
Any bags to check?
INT.

AIRPORT BAR

- LATER

Pam stirs her Bloody Mary and stares into space, troubled.
Greg stares at Pam, troubled she's so troubled.
AIRPORT ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Attention all passengers, Flight 531
to Chicago is now boarding, Gate 2.
GREG
(after a beat)
That's us. You ready...?
PAM
Let's do it.
They push their stools out, turn, and head for the gates.
But then Pam peels off for the adjacent Ladies Room.
Hang on.

PAM
Pit-stop...

She ducks inside, Greg waiting and leaning up against a

wall, knees bent, eyes shut, massaging his temples,
feeling the strain. And when he opens his eyes...
JACK IS THERE, in his face. He places a hand on Greg's
shoulder and looks him right in the eye.
Pupil-to-pupil.
JACK
Three questions. Where's Pam?
GREG
Restroom...
JACK
You love her?
GREG
With all my heart.
JACK
(nods, then)
Can you forgive me?

8/13/99 Pg. 121

GREG
Absolutely.
A beat, then Jack smiles and pulls Greg into a warm, honest,
embrace. Greg breathes again, his color returning, and as
he looks over Jack's shoulder, out the window to the tarmac...
OUTSIDE - ON AN ABANDONED SECTION OF TARMAC
An area's cordoned off with yellow police tape.
In the
middle of it all sits a LONE SUITCASE. A grey Tourister.
GREG
Jack... hang on...
He breaks the hug and moves toward the window where a
CROWD of onlookers have gathered to watch the action.
GREG
Whose suitcase is that?
CURIOUS ONLOOKER
No one's-- they found it abandoned
so they're blowing it up.
Greg looks a few hundred yards "down-range" where there's
a blue "NYPD BOMB SQUAD" Van and a mess of NEWS REPORTERS.
GREG
THAT'S MY BAG!
He spins and runs through an exit door.

An ALARM sounds.

JACK
Greg-- wait--!
INT. AIRPORT/EXT. TARMAC - SLOW-MOTION SERIES OF SHOTS:
--The Crowd and Reporters turn and point at Greg, stunned.
--TWO AIRPORT COPS pull their guns, give chase.
AIRPORT COPS (SLO-MO)
Freeeeeeeeezzzzzzzze
!
--Greg keeps going, oblivious, focused, on a mission.
--The Cops stop, crouch in a stance, aim their guns...
--Pam exits the restroom, sees Greg, the guns. SCREAMS.
--BUT HERE COMES JACK, racing up behind the cops.
--He disarms them like a pro with a single, fluid motion.
--Greg sprints by a Firetruck, and as MORE COPS draw guns...
--SHKWOOO! They're COVERED with a FUSILLADE OF FIRE-FOAM.
--JACK'S on'an Airport Firetruck, firing the deck-top GUN.
--And as Greg sprints through the police tape, screaming...
j

GREG
NOOOOO... !

8/13/99 Pg. 122

--A BOMB SQUAD GUY (earplugs, facing away) hits a PLUNGER.

--KABOOM! The Tourister explodes in a big orange fireball.
--Greg and his suitcase are blown high into the air, and-END SLO-MO as fiery debris rains down on the tarmac and a
dozen cops converge on the firetruck and Jack on top.
JACK
(hops down, badge out)
Relax, boys. CIA.
100 YARDS AWAY-- Greg, face down and clothes smoldering,
coughs and cowers in a cloud of smoke and debris.
But when he finally looks up... something small and on fire
is tumbling toward him, almost as if it were sentient.
It stops mere inches from his blast-blackened face. And
even ablaze, you can see it's a box. A tiny velvet box.
Greg blows it out, picks it up, opens it.
The Ring.
He turns, sees Jack coming, and as he flashes a thumbs-up...
We hear "Leaving On A Jet Plane" by Peter, Paul, and Mary.
EXT.

BURNS HOME - BACKYARD - AFTERNOON

A hundred-odd people watch Debbie (white sundress) and Bob

(Dockers, Polo shirt) hold hands and run a gauntlet of
flying birdseed to the driveway and an idling limousine.
AT THE LIMO-- Greg, Pam, Denny, and the parents cheer and
throw seed, Jack holding Jinx and sniffling. Then-Debbie raises her bouquet and a handful of WOMEN surge
forward, screaming. Debbie winds up to throw, then turns-DEBBIE
Here, Sis.
--and flips it a few feet to Pam, Greg's brilliant diamond
shining brightly on her finger.
The sisters smile, Deb
gets in the limo, and as Denny shuts the door...
The car roars away, trailing a "Just Married" sign and tin
cans. Larry and Linda (black eye, split-lip) turn to
Jack, Dina (wrist-splint) and Greg and Pam.
A toast!

LARRY
To the newlyweds!

DINA
And to being grandparents!

./

Pam, Greg, and the four new in-laws grin, clink, and drink.
Then Jack raises his glass to propose yet another .
JACK
And to Pam, and to Greg, our next son.

8 / 13 / 99 Pg. 12 ~

They toast, Jack leaning to peck Greg on the cheek.

Then...

JACK (cont'd)
C'mon everybody, let's cut a rug!
Dina, Jack, and the Banks head for the fast-filling dance
floor.
Greg and Pam follow, walking slowly, arm in arm.
GREG
I think it was a beautiful wedding.
Me too.

PAM
How soon can we elope?

They laugh, share a kiss, and glide onto the parquet, just
as the Dee-Jay spins another record. Hey-- it's that cool
and romantic Gershwin tune, the D.J. winking Greg's way.
GREG
As soon as you want. There's just
one thing you need to do first_
PAM
What's that?
GREG
Meet my parents...
Pam smiles, and as they kiss and dance to their song it' s ...
THE END