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California Suite

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11K views43 pages

California Suite

Play 1

Uploaded by

Anne Bonny
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Frome alec play of Nel ‘Nowort: Hane Howse ue xmas ov ico off at woe Scion aks place oom 33 and nn Hills Hotel. spend gerne scase 1: Visitor from New York [About one in the afternoon on # suns, warm day in ate fall 7 scene» Visto fom Philadelphia leven in the morning, mid-December Aisa ete nae me Ade pelo ee Woes a Sha 5 Vitor om Ghnge Font in the fereows, Sandy fly Fou Act One scene ont: Visitor from New York “Suie 2ny-4 bedroom with an adjoining livingroom, and hrbroom of the bedroom, The doris brightly colored and ‘sf, lent reproductions of Van Gogh and Renoir gon te wale, Ther ae are colar TY tin ot ons, nd place inte Ting roo. “1 i aboat one in the afternoon om asurn, warm dey i ae fal. nuova wanna is standing a he inde, arms ‘led a cigar im one ban, staring pensively ont. She it st early foes, an iteligent and spbistcated woman eis ceeingatilred woolen sui t0 ware for Clifor= si as igh for New York—aker ba art sme rom. pete cares ae oe ed in te ae oom, rudy for departre, The telepboe rings. sos (na the plone) Yes... Where are yo ‘Come.on up. Room 20. (Se bang ap, taker anoter “dag om er cigarette, then crushes wero in the srry. Ste pct up tb poo open) Room service, esc, (Ste waits remy. Teen, ito te plone) Helo? “This is Mes. Warren in Suite 203... would like ‘poe ten with lemon and one double Scotch on the Sess (Tee phone inthe bedroom rings) Yes— 2% ‘Fhank you (SbeAange up. The ote phone rings agin ‘oe ges note bedroom, sits om be ed and onset the poke) est «Yes it 8. Hello.» Yes, Bob “Well Twas hoping to leave today. Thave tickets ‘da the three oflock Bight, but I don’t think T'm going to make it. Te can't be too soon for me "Eas entice city mells Uke an overripe cant ioupe, How is New York... Tei? Snow— weet yonderfll. .« No, no. The sun is shining, bout eighty degrees, on Thanksgiving « «truly sso Caled Play of Ni Sime iagusting, (here i knack on the ining room door SP 4pls owt) Come in. Is open. (Back into the phon Tite exer-eoced) No, nothing's settled yet But In not worried. (The living room door oping. euzust Wanna enters. He is about forty-five, quite atrasicn, ‘vel tanned and trim. He wears braid lacks, pon port sbrs, a carhmare V-neck rsater and tam ab (rr Hecotes the door and inspects the room arb contin ‘an she phone) No, he just got here.» I don't wart tobring a lawyer into it yet. We'll see how this goes ‘When have you known me to be iatimidatel? (Ste laughs) Well, that doesn't count...» Yes. Ire ‘member it in detail... You're wasting a perfectly {00d erotic conversation with my ex-husband i the ‘other room and the operator probably listening Yes, 1 will... As soon as he leaves... Ido too Bye. (She hangs up and sits there a moment Ske tok 1 pencil and jts devon a note onthe pad onthe table nr 10 the bd, Sb is notin amy great bay gree Ber visitor ‘She gets up, ges berlfanotber hack im the visor ad gosto the doorway of the livingroom. He turns and they Took at eacb ober) Sorry. I was on the phone. Its snowing in New York We're going to have a white hanksgiving. Don't you love i (Se is He si standing. He smiles) Is that wonderful, warm smile for me? iui You stil have trouble saying a simple “Hell moan Ob, 1 thrill ou ofthe sorry. You always did get « big * ings in life. Helo, Bil anuty (With generous warmsb) Hello, Hannah aXNAHt” My God, look at you. You've turned iat « ‘young boy again. riuty Have PP rawnatt Haven't you noticed? You look like the | sweetest young fourteen-year-old boy. You're not spending your summers at camp, are you? smut Just three weeks in July. How are you? HANNAH Well, at this moment, nonplussd. fac.y Still the only one L know who can use “aon: plussed” in regular conversation, Don’ be ridiculous, daeting, I talk that way “Turn around, let me look at you. at breakfast six Shouldn't we kiss or shake hands or some thing? lusnatt Let's save it for when you leave... love your California clothes ty They're Bloomingdale's, in New York. Juxsast The best place for California clothes. You Took so.» I don't kaow—what's the word I'm looking for? Happy? await Casual, Its £0 hard toll out here—are you “Bressed up now, oF is that sporty? uy didn't think a tie was necessary fora reunion. ova Is that what this is? When T walked in, 1 ‘thought we were going to play tennis. muy Well, you look fit enough for ruomvalt Fit? You think I look fi? What an awful shit {you are, I Took gorgeous. ‘Yes, you do, Hannah, You look lovely uynatt No, no. You took lovely. 7 look gorgeous aay Wel, I Jost about ten pounds snare Listen to what I'm telling You, you're ravish ‘ng. I love the way you're wearing your hair now Where do you go, that boy who does Barbra Strei- sand? fe ity you can have my Thursday ap- If you're interested, aux You ointment with him feeling sery well, thank you. 552 Catt Pay of Nel Sinan Mawnan Well ofcourse you are, Look a ty Well iste life ou herent? You hanes ‘outdoors somewhers? nos suzy No, just desk neve the window Hannah, if wer ging to banter lke this gi a Tittle time. W's been nine years, Yan mace Hey, ‘soa Vou'l pik tight up agin i ike ren You see that's what would miss iT New heat The bantering ry San Francie’ only an bor avay. Weg yp there and banter ia emergencies. wes Do you realy? tv Would I tie to you? 1 never liked San Francisco, Iwas always aaid a fll ou of bed and roll down one of tng hits nay Not you, Hannah, You rll ap bills axsan Ob, good. You're banteing. The fight out wacn't 4 total loss... Aren't you going to siden Bill» Or do they call you Billy out here? Ye taey do. Jenny told me. Everybody calls you Bil vue (Shrugs) That's me. Billy aoian Wes adorable. A forty-fve-year-old Bill Standing there’ in his cute’ litle sneakers ar sweater. Pleas, sit doven, Hilly I'm beginning feel like your math teacher. Ly I promised myself driving over here I would be pleasant. Tam now being pleasant. usovant You drive everywhere do you? muy Everywhere ascent Even to your ear? sy Would you miod if 1 called down for some thing to drink? sat Ws done 1 don't dink double Seotehes on the ks any Hat gave up bard Hur vam Oh? What would you like? a A cup of tes with lemon, rvs Wes done. No hard liquor? AC al? on pe Not even wine, Fm big on pple juice er jawsan Cigaretes? Gave them up. ee «Don't you miss the coughing and the hack- ; asa Isn't divorce wonderful? baleen sur (Shrugs). Sorry “That is crushing news. You have changed, Billy. You've gone clean on me. you, does sux Mind und by That oes’ of Moy shey th veto be hos En Fa this to seem facetious, but how “at yourele a meat, and you da seach my diet, Pe cut dyn ve ob actos Youre ding to mae 2 fan of me. dott mind. 1 ve a8 Hour ll Would you believe I run five miles eve ne svat After what? The newspaper: have lay dogs... Skll vicep going? Tawi rent laps every ight when ssa Catt Pay of ait Simen T come home from the studio, Bight sets of every weekend, sleep well. haven't had s nit pil thre and half years Take vitamins and natural, unprocessed health foods naxvast Ay aha! Health foods! Atlas, somethingy any Don't tell me you've given up P. J. Clete chil burgers vuaxsant No, but F have them on whole wheat noy rm enjoying this conversation. Tell me more about yourself Jenny tells me you've taken up ie banjo smniy The guitar: Classical and country. reexatt Remarkable. And ia New York you coulda’t ane in Channel Five ... More, more! many Telimb, rawast I boy your pardon? uy I climb. Felimbed 2 temthoustndfoor moun tain in the Sierra Nevada last summer vans Well that’s no big deal, I climb thar thee times a weok visiting my analyst muy And no analyst manscnt Yes, Heard that PM accept the mountain climbing and, in a stretch, even the guitar. ut po analyst? You ask too much, Billy. Why did you quit vrosatt Sane! How exciting. You mean you go out ino the world every day ll by yourself? (sm rod) Don't you ever yet depressed? muy Yes saseate When | Trav go glad the sun base’ dried up your fexin completely jose Loved Oh, yes: You're notin Hardy Canyon any jaax Laurel, Laurel Canyon Be vmvat Laurel, Handy, what dhe ell? And where "1" ills block north of Sunset Boule jay Beverly ‘ad poowant” What style house any Very comfortable Wet Pan sure itis But what style ini? Well, fom the outside it looks like « small French farmhouse suoovat A small French farmhouse. Just one block orth of Sunset Boslevard, Sounds cusped «1 “ ing in from the aeport. passed something coming 2 Ehought it was a Moroccan villa—turned out (0 Were a colorful community rasoxatt” Tove ie from the ait muy And how is life over the subway? ruawvat Fine Tsil live in our old apartment, But you would hate i€ no aney What did you do 0 i wssovan Nota thing ney And I beard you went infor an operation reawnan A hysterectomy. [was out the same day "And I believe you had prostate trouble. 556 Cote Pays of Nat Simon suuuy Small world, isn’t ie? suasxsar Well, our past sins have a a up with us. What else can Tell wag tt 7 YOU aout uty Jenny fils me in with everything nawwan Oh, 'm sure muny T understand you have a new boyfriend, avant A boyfriend? God forbid, Vm f Yeats old—U have lover coed muy Also a writer. HANNAN A newspaperman on the Washington ug sicey Really? Not one of those two who— HANNan No, amy Righe. woos Hes your, He has heart cond asthins and leans towards alcoholism. He ts he the second-best mind I've met in this countr : ‘Adlai Stevenson iar ae And what's with you, mate tx Mate-wise? Mate-wise Tam seeing ave i ia very ace Mawnan Are you? And where are you secing her to? uv (Annoyed) Oh, come on, Hannah. vaxvait What did I say? Have H offended you? muy Gan we ct the cute chiteha Think weve gu other things to talk about. . maxvan I'm sorry. I have offended you sua My God, i's been a long time since I've been involved in smart-ass conversation i pnt Ubeg son pardon, but you were the one who Me} things like “Tear you have a boyftiend” and Sim secing avery nice gieL” Tam nat the one with ihe Bobbsey ‘Twin haircut and the Peter Pan phraseology: ir [can see you've really come to hunt bear, haven't you? uonant Hunt bear? Did 1 actually hear you say Shunt bear"? Is that the kind of nifty conversa- tion you have around those Sierra Nevada camp- res? uv Forget the tea, Maybe I will have # double ‘Scotch. tawwat e's ordered. You're safe either way. muy Can we tlk about Jenny? tuswant What's your rush? She's only. seventeen ‘She's got her whole life ahead of her. If I'm going fo win my daughter over to you—which Tam fnot-at least Pd ike to know what you're like. sniy Jenny is o#r daughter! Owe! rawwan Maybe, Well ee. They've been very slow Writh the blood test. (They glare a each other a moment ‘Ske yuddenly smiles) So you live in a French farm- house off Sunset Boulevard. Do you have « pool? muy Christ! sayxatt Come on, Billy talk to me. 1 wrote down “Seventy-four questions to ask—don’t make me look for the lit. Do you have a poo? «.. Well, navurally ‘you've got a pool. You've gota tan, so you've got a pool, Tsithidney shaped? ... Liver? ... Possibly pall bladder? iy Panereas, actually."The head surgeon at Cedars Sof Lebanon put it in. You'te terrific. You ha ss? Colt Baye | eat Sinan pont fittcen days of your life out here know exactly how we all live, don't you! Tr ct you're going back 10 100m, You're gonan mie a tray we spend our holidays. Wouldn' ie tri ye qo sce pinkepainted Christmas tre on my Lat or a threedavored Baskin-Robbins snows ‘wearing alligetor shoes. with «loudspeater st the root playing Sonny sad Cher saging “Se the on playing Sonny and Cher singing “Sey susexast When you've sea itonce, the thls gons, uy Where's that deiak? reasasan What kind of a car do you have? uy You're really serious, aren't you? vost Lam dad seri fT ee yp ‘ous baby with you Lwant to know what king ot fear 'm leaving he in a sui A brown Mercedes—450 SEL, ruse You have no clas. You never had eer had any ca A.red Pinto in Beverly Hills would be class a I throw a few more questions at you? — sux Questions? I thought they were speae. suc What happened to your cute litle wife 1 don't mean me, T mean the cute one after me. Di voreed her, too, dida't you? suzy She was on the rtd lg ker stay hone ‘The first three years weren't too bad. fe vexwwant Oh, that's right, she 5 was a singer, wase't ‘ho Sombody set me one of her bums io hristmas, asa gag. They were eight gagged Really? She was number three on the charts ‘won two Grammys last year. T thought she ws = rhowgh Puy you dida't take up the guitar soon, could ave sill been with her... And eel me ee one you're secing now. What des he do? see She'san str. Quite good: She was marie AY se as tle boy, eleven years 08 spot And i mariage comcerplated? ABT eing t00 905)? sear Not ora Nearaokeitor Yes. Mar Tris being discussed its being com 1 tke being married, ontemplated ‘tgoved Serange as it seems, uot Right And will here be room fr al of oe wee fe French farmhouse, of will Ys Dave 19 ine ten Halian polasse on Wilshire Boulevard? ‘what the ell are yous i and witty. Now you're jus iter about? You used uy mide anc ro be bri senovan Te comes wich age. When you don't have 2 mo ony more, you goto change-ups and sliders ‘muy Ob, please. Spare me your sports metaphors Hr over knew a bunt from a double, TRe only You aevese em the games is because JOU en a yaoked butch. Are you trough With {your interrogation? sant Vn stil interested ia this new gil a. Her fatber used ‘She can catch a (out je T think she's peachy anix Her name is Betsy LaSor We a damned good director. bd she can beat me a ten What ese? sunnant Well [know you've been bouncing around 4 iy. Do you realy care for er, or do you ee inane who gets you + break: on marriage licenses? suzy God, {can ust hear the quips fying when YOu Se eon best mind since Adlai Stevenson $4 Rane Sng there Treering wader 2 blanket ss 560 Cottle of Net Sen the Washington Resin pe pling sng with the names of ll the Polish players RS Jor ousting, Homa oreo or ite Sc ey ow ba dearer bet chaete le ts beerease Se thought ever get through, i. vasovae And you're 50 fled with hones emo ou fll love every time someone sings You're worse than 2 hopes romans, setae sepeal one. You're the Kind of 4 tan we wig ed the word's famine problem by having theses citout..- preferably sts good Chine enone su (Ges up, starts osards the dor, stops) What {you want fo do about Jenny? raseatt Who? sty Do you want to discus this problem est And sincerely or doyou want to challenge eons Naw Tk Timer eromoword purse fc hes awsanl Oh, stop pouting, You may dress like 4 child, but you don't have to act like one sy Would you mind terribly if sad “Up yours and lef? avsan What have you done t0 her, Billy? She's ‘hanged. She used to come back to New York ae the summers here taller end anuious to see her friends... Now she meditates and eats alfalia ound kagpmtohes Semen uso You have 00 legal eights tw her, of ear ‘You understand that mune Certainty. susout ‘Then tell he to come home with me ‘mucy I did, She would ike to try i with me fora Year. She's not happy in New York, Hannah, peso Nabdy happy in New York, But they're ‘se hen take wonan She stil has another year f high shoo! lef aur. Believe itor not they have good schools here ‘ean show you some, if you Tks ‘aos Oh, that shouldbe Fun. Something ike the ‘Universal Studio tour? eb 1 can't fight you. IF you want t0 0 Je'hee But T think you'd be making & mi air What a snob you are usa Thank God there's afew of us left. uty Whats there so beauifl about your life that pakes i so important fo put down everyone els? ony square blocks bounded by Lincola Center the west and Cinema IT on the east is not the center tebe gdidama universe. I grant you its an exci 2s Beane simulating fabulous ey, but ic isnot Necea Te just sels ike it susoont ‘The hell with New York! Or Boston oF : ae be ‘Witiogion or Phldepia 1 dos Pee te fu. Shean iligent gl wth Jee La grow td presen Bua the rae ing toca tm commutes ba ero pick op four bgt ad the Yothsen Roe? pay, Toe becn to Mars Viney in aly Has 2, Hence pote me fom anahe elit enemies The potcl ee qusing Cor ented ose Hogar pctures stnng soo ream sone reading the NE ute wun Neat ware sce, No Your poten never impresed me 1 remember one hot Sunday afternoon i Tyan- 56 e___——— LTT ee ee Middle Eastern country was in a sate of desnat tecmchecoollet pete anger tovings bee. My God, the absurdity . .. I went to a chay a Dee ae ages aaa go oo Californ geape pickers. There was this teen | toob of women who mut have spect toa Hct ny ie nt dco Gs j,, Sherer Geto ree mus ors or hee * Why the held hey jas mal them the suscuant You were terrific when you used 0 wi Tike that.» didnt se the last peture you wrote but they lle gras very wel in ack i ery Jesus, was F anything like you before? vaswan Tcoulda’t old a candle to you iit No wooder a0 Sul sple es ent first ewo years : ery usa Lucky you. suit Look, I don’e wane to interrupt your tain of ‘venom, but could we get back to Jenny? seassane Jenny. Yes, what a good idea snunr Ifyou respect her asa person, expect he ight t0 make a free choice. - - smsnait_ You yt er forthe summary then Tribe jue Rn nn our Heap you's be acy to get her Labor Day afternoon muy Fanny yy how we haven't discussed your life syle, on a ravsant Tdon't have lifestyle, I havea ie sty The hell you do, The only time you're lives “Tuesday mornings when the magazine hits the stands. You're voyeur in newspring, nooping an eveyone ole's Wifey and editing out the ane human condition because, fF Say pe Sen fp ell war ead aot feppines? van Sometimes t serually eiss yous YOU ies sega consider coming back East and entering peo 2 ménage 8 08? eel jaar Would you ike roknow what Jenny basso 7 me ee gree tid me, Se thnks Pm a sama moa See nna ny once She Wich te eee Shes aime tre me She resp eE | erect iteme Weta | re auger rom | she Fels stfled—that the only jaux She told Ine roe is when she's OOF ‘ime she can really beeal bere vusnae havea wonderful nose and throst man on Base Eighty-fourth Stret. say How the hell can you be 80 fippant wen Hy ge to your own daughters well-being? aan hw the hell on you be mf 208 se Aa hy revelionsaese 1 dr complain would probe ace aes, See ses with me send her on Pere ino maul Ju the cen mons of Bani by a age she on he tell br iano ie set Tans mame a ates ng. dom a young and August tiga well be you giving and she came out wibout ‘your permission. | | | | uy This Tha | aman She never bad a very good head for dates | soa Cott Plee of No Simon nay What would you do if Tjustkepe her here wig, assist Don't be ridiculous ‘my But what would you do, Hannoh? ‘California. and have him bet the shit out of you, Tim keeping her for six months? suoovatt [il eall my friend, the Attorney Genent ‘of the United States, if she is not on thar thre (lock plane un (Str back and amir at Br) Why dida’t you ever ‘un for office, Hannah? T always thought youd make «helluva Governor nassant Because I don’ ink a democratic system ‘really works. Offer me a monarchy and we'll alk (Laots ot bor warh) Tes one feen. Will you c Jenny or shall any No ascent No what? uty No, a! oovant If you'll tell me how to get to your Hee French farmhouse, Pl pick her up myself sux How much time do you spend with hes? Do ‘you ver have breakfast with her? How many nights {does she eat dinner alone? Do you thnk she's relly happy with tae twenty dollar bill you give her ev- 7 tne you go off ro Washington for the weekend? the gil i growing up lonely, Hi tellme she's gota catand acenary, Jn the choppers. ara She has two dogs, 4 Dominican cook and would find the very best lawyer I couldn xy Would you drag it through the courts iT sig serve different girls who sleepover every time I'm ee eit her Gothic reports, se not Hsing Brite of Jane Eyre y The truth, Hannah... You know if we leave ra Jenny, you don't stand chance in ll of weg er om that plane Right? nous Certainly. Why ele would the ninny ron i ‘Who said we don’t have problems? She swt accen years old, and when We go a exch i rereihe needs another shoulder 10 ery 08 ge be goddamned if Tm giving up # daogh- sacra cashmere shoulder three thousand miles ey. lax My God, you're really afraid «This is 20 Mat chink i's the fst cme I've ever aecally seen you nervous : 1 on our wedding night assan Wrong. Iwas nervous on "atostometely, it was afler we bad $68 mix Please. No cheap shots, I's nat lke you 1 et ay have had a very narrow chance for Trippin, but sex was never # stumbling block runovant Neither was it an architecrural marvel ‘One aot blaming yor. Actually You were VECY Oh atin bed, You could ravage me for hours with- stir Mgoting the sheets. But the moment it was seers would heave a deep sigh and tll me your lsc forthe farure--The sex ws stimulating but Fhe plans were 20 freaking boring sens Boring? And Thave made oreo women with A nore Mm before, bat peer watching FH Shared anean_ Sometimes we need ow private fantasies £0 | "ius pert the top of Magie Mountain amiy You know something, Hannah? «..Tdon' lke ‘you any more sas 566 Catal Plage of Net Sinen wane Hes okay. Pm not always fond Whatare we going todo, Billy? Tey ‘er back. You're the only one who ex oe help me et nr vena ‘ison Billy. what do you lok forward we auLy (He tooks being bin) sequitur come from? Where did ther poy press." I'd really like to know. You're for, fn ‘years old, you've been married twice, hac mi fnlfadoten houses 1 promising oncetegc anc some questionable bt undeniably commen ‘successes .. . I'd like to know what it is fe forward to, a omy (Pauses) Saturdays. 1 love Saturdays mowwan For a simpleminded bastied, sometimes You sure are smart... You know what [lo you sure hat I look fo What? axnantCheist it's hard for me to say it Aveyou ‘aLr Only fi ot funny What do you ward to? -s . ciara ‘uso look forward toa granddaughier think I screwed up the frst ime. : sux (Gon-ntnay) No one can phrase semiment like you. ibe = Uso Are you going to help me> Seay By sending Jenny home? She's be back ia mannan Not if I pur heavy weights on her feet ger 1a suggestion, goddamn it, for old times! oh aur You know my sos ve oe more yar with her. Tn Sep I i yur years she'll come for even worse, like sot Lomly reer she'l goto college. Info ‘ara revolutionary or a nun you oF me ay ieee bit of both wouldn't be $0 ux A little bit of jaywatt Do you like your mother? suv She's dead fusosst Don't quibble. Did you like her? jar For a neurotic woman, she wasnt too bad sunset Tdon't like mine much. Can you imagine Tinga pain inthe ass for seventy-cight years? felt omething was wrong even when Twas in che ‘eerab.T never felt comfortable. I think Iwas hang: Japtoo low... Weshouldn' have had Jenny. People Hig you and me are too selfish ... don’t want hee to grow up hating meand [don't want her growing Uipibere, Deeause Tm liable co hate her.» Maybe Sow and I should have stayed together and we could ave let Jenny go. What do you think? aaiy changed my mind. [think I ike you agen. momar He's not going t live very long, you know. ney Who isn't ronan My Washington Past friend. He had open ‘eure surgery that was a total waste of rie im sorry to hear that “The man could really make me niagsant Me, t00 laugh suzy Sounded like it was pretty good 56 568 alltel Pays ef Net Sion ssasseat Oh, well, you win some, you lve sm Ob airation) Tak soot rsiiengy runmasFor sce lly i 4 sae oing too ted. ee may No, you's , you're not... Would it comfor to meet my acres rind? Just to know tha es Rasen io iced nas Se eee caureen ‘mee see whan shin hao For whi nassart You're supposed t0 sa, ee ee uty Sory, she does. Ie 1 only in good conver ‘she comes in second place. = ie raven ‘The truth .. I being in late better now? nny Yes reassash Why? sty’ You can have ie both ways, you know reawsant What does that mean? suv Take your summer vacation this winter. C uc here find yous nce place tthe way we can both see est, oan sean Two months? Ou bere? ‘onmtipeion of the nin T would ae, sy You're afraid, assem OF what? Ls cow might like it, You're afraid you 2 ie ying appnes0 bn ie out_No Justhaestatemen, ‘Lets keep things pa pay ae, Bil. Go ony ena 09 ie wr evga. He knew what He we Sine ox, Well then we ve jy That ¥ vente settled anything, have ce Wall ev seed at Tim ok om or sro month. was worth comin Mes snl th That ony Teves Jenny © deal th uv Shall gether up here? St with her bags packed hy decision we both make Inc's downstairs in the ‘She's willing to abide ooo Ob, whats caning baad Yon 45, TS seg goes back to New Yorks shell int 1) | St you. And if we ayy bee shell think T | Save oven pat up a abe fr bes 1 pave htt devo [ran Cay yd so ene seing wo mls DIC | Ese | savw Ontyiteveryone tere ewes... You wane me |e ate ny or You, Hamma 1 toe «oe os you ay goes. And TH el Jay Tors made the decision. | anova (Reoly pepleed) Jesos 90 ay sed ca salesmen Out pose do 1 have? 1 was never YorY tines wonder there are Inere. How much fod with dead ‘As och time as yoo want and lookout, tying att They're |ooyagenunsins te | | 569 | s70 Caled aye of Nl Sinon All Mercedes (St tn be nice ea you looking at me like that for? a Its not often I've seen you loo a 101 100kng £0 ven, assan Well, take picture of it. You wor Spain... Keep her Wwhae awvatt Lid, keep Ren—six moaths, sot ‘And 1 pick the school, And whoever I pick, have tosend methree references «Christ whan ie whiten muy Stay the weekend, Hannah. Tal Tenny. You don't hve to dei case yoneees 4 plane she, i a awwat Uma fighter, Billy. IT stay the weekend, not only take Jenny with me but Tl girlfriend back, too. ae, ty Hanna dont etme bully you int can’t the three of us tal seep ene on usta ot? Lat me get Jenay susnatt_ No, goddam it IT have co give ‘get her back, then let's do it, er uty You mean i? Vou vannatt You think you're inf you're infor a picnic? Wa tty shopping for clothes with her sty Can you take a compliment Hannah lef ine yeas ag You're not the wasenant And Tm missing the ovaries 10 prove uy Well, guess who's nonplusied now? auwevan Jesus, you never thought I would sayy ‘id you? You know, don" think you've prepared Whiter. on your own daughter. Watching her swim st wecks atthe besch i or the sme a Being ‘Don't look now, Billy, bt you just lost. come peat ream on IF you think Tim scared, youre damned ht Tove it. Oh, God Love it. Wat you see eee ens in the winter Youl be dead broke by Grama gay Tthink you're dong steric thing, Hanna. unt So do viae_ Andifforany aso, fecl things arent work ing out, Il send her back to you. soon The hell you will. You'se a Father now, ily aux I muppose you want to see her before you reve, sassant Wel, you suppose wrong. I've seen her PUL fall her when Te 19 New York. say What should I tell her? swant Teller hope she'llbe very happy and that Tro selling her record collection, uy (He starts tosards te door) You know, we "Goula’t have been too bad together. We produced hell of # i suasnan You got that alee wrong. think the theo of you produced a hell of = mother. uuiy Maybe you're right... Can we shake hands ‘now? Tim about to leave rasan Sure. Why not? What more ea Tose? (Toy “fate hands, He blds ox to Bers) Serve her plenty of broccol and Tima beans 7 572 Cale Pays of Nei Simon iy She likes them? avant Hater them. But from now on, wh eas it do may Goodbye, Hannah gain. awan (On the point of tears) 1 sudder Sudden fe ‘an art clings piting he don wont 1 was good secing you sv (Gently) Ul frame it and keep it in + goog Ws i a (ns tr pat hanson ise Ber nt chek He tyme, ‘hg i mip br ee ae ser mn Pe preaches qari sabe isoprene ee ‘Get me room service ac never got my gaddamn (Poe lighr dim) Blackout cane 70: Visitor from Poiladelpbia he morning sung is strcaming in tbr he sped gaps in te livingroom. By conta he bream i ery Soe arly ible, The cartons and sade are dren. We Ser ong, loud, male yt from the ed nnvas Oh, God.» (He ray Bs face with btb bands) ‘Sunbkbbbhhhh. (He ger ap ava goer ito tbe ba core mating alimst zombie as be fs he fess (Fi bongover) wav nxt Hab forey-tee. escent nderbors, Tibirt and one Black soc, His Lar rampled, We bear bm garg He comes on of the orbrom, gos back 1 he Bd goin ond its ap) Ugh fever spun Never never never... (He ts thre yg brat, end suddenly, from under the bets, 08 SPertame ou A fra arm. tHe rel, frigened 1 “Tondy On, God (elif te band tbs fac and looks aie, Helifs the cer back, and west @ oman, cbt Feo shat te ean aks on, ems be atractice. Sb is cerring th ops of bs pajamas) What are you doing here? Thought you left! (There sno response fom be Tie om lite alight) Hey! (He mudges br) ley, come ayo can't stay here! Hey, wake up! (He raras ‘ppc forbs watch om the wig rable, and lols ati) ‘een ac! Jos Chri, i leven olok (He jus ‘ns of bed} Wake up! Come ony getup, i's eleven Getoti, don't you understand? (He tures buck and ‘poten or the plone) Crary! T must be cea! ino tte hone) Operator?» What time i i « (Seems) Eleven clack? Why didn't you cll me? «T Ietea wakerop cal for eight o'clock. di... Mr. Michaels, Room 203, an eight o'lock wake-up call 573 574 Coteed Plays of Kat Sion 1 ders undertaa at ‘mind, di 1 get any call? Well, take the anol of making calla ic ons pH ot [forge o leave a wake-up call (fe dpe tetra and) on ce 2° You hive o get dressed, My wife could wit Sy ater kesoust42 aspen Inaltedy egy pants and ter ck) Wi (eet up? We got an emergency bere! (He puts bis shirt The git hart moved) Whats wrong with Yous Veg deaf or something: (Ue cre tte bl Sb ing but nor moving) Ate you all ight (He mde ain So moans bt dacnVnece Te rs ond abn ‘th lor next ra the bed, and picks up a quartsize emp, Sore ofedte) Oh, Ged what did you de> Anca bent of wil? Vos dru whole tle vo swith my wife coming in? Are you cry? bor Ar oll igh? Can you hear me? OBema What? What di you say? couldn’ hear tha (5% san aan He pti ca oer ma) Se fou fel sick? Six margaritas and abot weak wonder why Lite, you can ge dren ad te cab home and be nice and sek in yor own be all days» Dost that Sound nce Hts (Xs rapeme) Ob, God, what am 1 pong vo dt Water You wants litle wate? (He rh tt ‘abe, pur las of ater nd raster bak Thy Here, lady ipa itl old water: ps er a 1p ond ttt our tome oa ne ber woh bo [pe oon' pen and it drier don ber a) Dri, sweetheart for my sike--- Open you lips you cy broad (Ts Bim) Don’ panic Pani the ‘quickest way to divorce—must’t pani! (He ste Ii ngs i he gland fick ener at far) UR "py up Here we go! Rise and shine, every uf (Betas mares ge ake ‘ei op sn ie gl ove! Pee Nowe Alll right, we're gonna get you dressed and down ito 4 cab Once you'r on your fet, youl be fine ‘ovely sora thishapjoned. dont remember sat Bost hove been 9 wonderfl evening ‘ester yout name i Could you belp me's Jibs honeyy Please’ .-You're not gonna belp me Jaeger Marvin chink Think Marvin. (Hest bis fer lp tm it gta get uta here: He Ip pn) Operate got me the font desk (He Fee a eg wow) Ihave two wonderfl chit ee Sin tected do hi to me (ne sep) Hello? This san ane) Me. Michaels iets and q.-Listen, Tam very uncomfor: ‘Sie im my room jv The tlle kepe dipping al tie” No, T don't want fixed 1 want another TENT ould move cu inmeditly Tm expect TSemy wife rom Philadelphia any ime TZ ates noe going ob happy once she sexs his aoe espa nee. MY WIFE? NV-WIFP AS: THERES You sent my wife up withou cling IRer How could you do such thing? What the Fri nd of eheap hotel ae you running here? Cave you send someone to stop het? She's not ing ke tro! (Th ro brck nthe ing seem Melon pve do ond dake aan Mion fey) Ob, Gos (We oe ere Joey ox, Gout On. Gee! OF, GOD! O1F, GOD! GET GOD! Linen tome. Thate to go into the Stem, When Pm isis lack the doers Reve, Dot open it for anyone, do you understand? Fe ayon! tnt Ec on bdo. Mego ‘ititg om ering th bdraom door Then a8 ft 1 inns) Wh sour Wes me manson Mille? pane Yes. Ute picks up a fall astray and re champagne (as and rls tem out the siding door 10 the pati. He opens the dor) 57s 576 Cate Plage of Ne Som sux Hello, sweetie suai Hello, What took you so long? Why didn ‘you pick me up atthe arport? seanvix Why? sauaie Yes, why? suanvin, Why?... Pve been sick all aight. U threw up inthe other room. Don't goin there The doctor just left ten minutes ago. I have acute gastroenteritis Ts nothing 9 worry about. smusie Oh, my God, When did this happen? stanvin About two otloek i the morning snuuie What did you ext? snvine Spaghetti sith white clam stuce—and tos 1 was Meresn-talian restaurant. Sie Spagheti with tacos? starve And some tortillas parmegan. Two people (Gor sick atthe next table I thought it was the, fever had that kind of food before suse Where did you get «doctor? suxven Tealled my brother. He got me a wonderfl ‘stomach man. Greasietrestaurnot Lever saw Even the napkins kepe slipping ofthe table seuam_ You lok tril, Why don't you gt into ‘bed? You'll feel more comfortable. s stayin Tim not supposed tole down, Ic makes me ‘nauseous. I fel Hot Geter in this room. Tes Cheerier-- 1 need some Comparineepansule, au What's that? seamen He atope nausea. Compazine spansules. sate Did you call the drugstore? sean ‘They don’ cary it Iehas codeine ins. The crest place that hak itis 2 deugaone om Santa tr Boulevard. ut they don't diver. have Meesect there myst. Hn just nervous about {heaving up in the tx au AV right, 1 go. Where's he preserpton? ition? oawos What pres Virum Dida’t the doctor give you # preseeiprion? [Mineyee nr gonna give you codeine without a pre scription anus Yes, they wil 1m Cafornia they wil Einparine sane, "i grata) uy yu don't nee a presripsio, just end the nu ed evnated Lut fe in fom Phil Sia sassy ‘They tell me you can‘ east thee diver oc Fhoe toro for going for eicine me NSoming ack. Ob, Go, what ge fr Mod Comparine sense {quar What are you going to do about the bar mitz- ‘a suas Ob, we've going. id yall she way from uspnin to mune iy nephew's bar mitzvah Tae Jou rami ne larry cle fo sine fe wants aso ge over to he emp | SEES posi why det yw go dwn or Sab ted Ei fh going dred just after elew-n. Tehought we didn't have Mo be there until one | any Tha’ for the others Harry wants ws 0 ge “Num roe His id bas very sot oc and | Redocsn’e want us to miss his speech. So why don't aaa on and get the cab snd 1 nish ging area Ihenine And what am I going to wear? 577 Cate Pay of Ne Sinon seanex What do you mean? Didn't ren? I told you to bring a dress, NE smite They lost (Stars we Tgeage sexes Who can't 10) They ean fn 90 Fd oy seusit The airlines. They fst m suitease with my new dress an Ihave nothing to wear (Ste sob) Y Tage My ay id my new shoes a Seep et God that gets me insane! In this day andage toot lose luggage : mite They std they'll call me atthe hotel when they find it. Tjust wanted to come back he hot bath and nap wey axes, Thete's no ime fora nap. Chino those ins, Youve goto go down tht nd mle a Calla ab, We're ging back othe spor ane and demand satisfaction. rate mean Tdon'e want satisfaction, I want my bar mit vah dress Marvy We'll go shopping in Beverly Hills, This is the best time of day, before they get crowded, Seuise Thistrip is costing usa fortune, Why di you take a suite? I's a0 expensive, seaneny I wanted you tbe comfortable. Ta celebrate ‘Tour firs trip to California. Te was 1 mistake The bedeoom is stiting. Ie all those vines outside the window—you can’t breathe. Pm going to tell them to cote of the bedroom and el jn this room. This is cheerful. oes sae (Laoksarvund) There are no beds in this room, a OF og tose Fanci ht oon id largest city inthe United States? there aren't aust The thi suave Only in population. There's plenty of pple Mp wce, but we don't Lnow any of them. guise Three thousand miles jus so see a bar mite Min? Te acen them before—they're not worth Thar much of trip. Don't you ever do this ro me aa. seanvns (Guitit) Do what? What? Don't do what sauin Make us take separate planes—for wh "Were oe worried that something is going happen Tous and our children wil be et alone, So 100k “Ghat happens eos separately. They lose my 1 wae netoa nave estrone (hep) Ihave teigo co the batheoom stun (Soe) NOW? (He roe arund 10 Hock the Sorte bvom and barroom) T haven’e gone in four hours; now is a good suawers Tjust told you: Threw up in there 1 mean, “Merywhere—the bathtub, the floor, the mirror. T ‘woulda’ let you go in there suis Pe sen you get sick before sinavne Not on a holiday. Not ona vacation think smd one shou ry preserve me Se or ream AL ome would nd 579 seo Cottd Poy of Nat Son seuuse Tean'e eat sill we get home. You're a ‘very peculiar. Are you sure you don't have ‘or something? "The doctors searene Te’ posible nce setting periods of fever and periods of not know | hhow certain inexplicable events may have hy pened 4 uuu What inexplicable events? scare (Sirags)_Idon'tknow ...L mean, ines some ‘rival ehing comes up that I can't expla. The doc for suid that's very possible suuuie I don't understand a word you're saying seaners Bsactly my point muse I have to go to the bathroom. anu Please. Give me the opportunity of making it pretentable first. It means ot to me smusr We've been matted fifteen yeats, and you're never cleaned up a bathroom for me before sranvis Well. think its high time Tstarted. (hina ‘her ceo) Pl be right out... Why dost you thumb theough the brochure and find us 3 niee restaurant for tomorrow? Anything but Mexican-talian (s- ti goes oer tothe desk and thumbs brn the Brochare “He oes nt the broom, lacks te door bein Bm, and se 00 be Bed. he il iil ut ik aight. He star to pick ber ap) Vm sorty. 1 don't like doing this, but Frm going to have leave you out in the ball. (He rags ber tossed the doar) You'l be all righ, they'll tae cate of you. They have wonderful service here (de get 10 he doo and opens it with one band, propping ber np behind bis hack. He sichs bis bead eu, ss Some ‘ady) OH! Jesus, you scared me. Hello, how are you? (Ue hops madding, the pall te gi sony sa not to be wn and cates te door, He stare back forthe bed and ape her om in Meanie in the cing om, ase sping around in ber dzomfort at ‘Moding tow toe jobm. Finally she Knock om 180 broom door) we Marvin? ww T CAN'T HEAR YOU! MIN THE ‘THROM. Vite drop te oody” back to tbe bed ond starts to Crrorecsty Basket, He reste wih er eg 0 ‘fom il, ond frantically seater he bedee- ”) guise Open the door. Why is this door locked? vax T's not locked. Maybe it's stuck ‘ete gir is cmpltely covered, be Bide ber sts land eter fae articles under tb bd) case Well, oper i, for Gods sakes. avs Tm not through in the bathroom yet come inthe bedroom! Will you open Marvin, the door i locked, amaze Twantt this door? suxwny OPEN THE WHAT? amuse The doo, the door. (1 tnd of ebange contnacs wail ans i ready 0 open te dar) sunsns You se twas open: Dott you know Bow to work 3 00? iir What took you so lng? What's the matter, ou gos ail n ere? suavi Playing lng wit bre) Tha ight Tot nr ented ta te bad! Tceaned up the tushroom: You can goin there now sani 1's nice bedroom. I wish we didn’t have to sunnvin Tow Isat that ashame (Se clos the batb- ‘tom door bebind er. wawsis rashes araund tbe room set x Mille, you mean more to me than you mrs possibly, know «but sometimes. we Geegress Sometimes we do foolish litle things {ying tink fb be con dig of a te deat op itand gt in of te then be rashes to the bed, burls the covers off and peat ' {he ks pr. th es ber blfiay out fe ae | ak witingly may cause hu and jury to see ‘eas he jbn fl Ti never maken, ete i (Ute ay Sk ee cove be 1 don't think you's ms cs and Hoke, priser den " tr [don't think you've ever consciously hurt me. Caleta Tend Menkes, press doin end ftom jy Phys nc bial eaaraty omic | ast Consol, no Bat careless word ete 8 ‘edo conceal th pro the batbram doo open | houshiless gesture there fp, Ne Simon auite comer ou) gum Nothing major, Marvin. We've had our dis uutie Tove the telephone inthe john tpreements, but nothing major. wars T'm glad you brought that up, Mille anu e's fun, ise it? Would you like to go bay ‘What would you consider major” fn there and call the kids? ‘Suse Why? I just left the bi john. : How you feeling? ansis Not a8 good a8 I would ike. w ing, maybe you ould take shower and fecal 4 nap for about an hour. We have plenty. oftine ‘And maybe by then they'll find your fuggage. a i seta My God, I hope so. Le’ htt take a nap ite Major? Tdon't know, .Teouldn’t picture {you doing aaything “major.” A couple of minors Image, bot no major wane Bue iT did, AFL were not my normal self femporarily--if illness ad caused me to actin Tome foolish manner, what hurt could T cause you that was major? our [eso hard tony... guess ifyou were cruel to the childeen, I think that would be major ids and jus used te seanune (Stunned) You mean together? saute Don't we always? ch uanwon (lumping ov it) 1 would pat that Number ‘One! Tehvak that would be the worst thing a man ould do to his wife in marrige. To be cruel t0 Manwis No, no, We sep together. Naps 1 usually take lone i ann their children is unpardonable . . . Af else could be i mim Sart imsrd th) never heard you kag | foriven } »y-~- Move over Im going ole down, ie lake a he be) amen (Sit 9 auicly)” NO! No, pene II want | MisiE_ And if | aught you with anater woman yous sedown a minute, Ihave something ose | That would be mai uae Ler’ not get off the children thing s0 fast! ‘Children are the refeetion of the love that two peo- uu You can’ tll me lying down? ‘Chi the emanations of the } sunvot Ted | ple share Magis les the kindof thing you should hear sting Spirit of love that— | . : | ste My tack silng me fom the plane ve got Fits im the armebair, takes off ber shoes) (She gets up, going towards the bed) 583 sas Catt Pays of Nat Simon Meaners (He jumps up in from of er) Let's makelove jin the living room, ste What? Manvim Let'smake love on the living oom sofa we did on our honeymoon in Florida suse That was a love set, (Ste tat forthe bedroom) anv (Trying dsract er) How about on the 42 The living room rug. !could order up some cha page. I's been s0 long since we made love ne mane That's not aug W's carpeting. don like ‘make love on carpeting. seanems Oh, come on. (He ir flat on the floor) I's ‘ ie flat om the floor) Ls holiday, We're going to be middleraged soon sauise What's the matter withthe bed? We've alin done very well with «bed. : enon Tm ust trying think of something dif to break up the monotony of a bed. 2 (Ste rine he br smcute (Hfurt) I dida’t think our love-making was 0 (He floss ber) Stamens It im? Our lovermaking is tonderfa t's beds that get repetitious. (old bis semach) I think Pm getting another atack. Sg) wo ye ene ea Fstonahe paw’ Syn gut pS Sa a sont se Bering 0 ney ol : (erg oon mt wee My P wh, He wwatcbes in terror) vedere aves (Sercams) NOL setup, ten esos Bm) wl ‘upset. It's icant ee a ‘say that. I'm just 0° ‘cranky and ei a ch re a ‘and lies down) Come (se eo he dH se sc id me onl ere Marvin. Js i We don ae ge that mo ele (eH ee ot marth inzwhy don’ you get suncse (Looks don at bm) Mo oro the bed? suauvis (He gts 9p, ‘hie up any more, Tm Pye got to tell you 50" ine What isi, darting? illic, Lean" Keep alee) DONS ‘heart attack going to gee methine seunie What, Marv srt you, Mil ser my intention 10 HUEY se he next Few minutes hut. seanviy Teas ne bes very teste erribly, teri you may be Is i major oF minor saws Tome twa “te exremely mao soe “Tetlme, Main Me gary no ying 1 08 moony pb ober ‘ter 0) to you Tahink i's 60195 Ts coulda’ be that bos. “Cover up something ie ever doen ard na facing Cole Page of Net Sinan ‘anne (Alarmed, be lok pa the ceilng boa eg ‘no here lok nn ot pa something T' like to show you, Still, Be going to ask you todo something for me pea Say nothing for ten seconds, Whatever cn mind, please, for the sake of both of us say noma for ten seconds... You may turn arouod ttt Mite ot (Sb ture ber bead around toe right ond ody inthe be Ste vos att, and saddens ee aloud) erg MME One... Wo. ; Uhree Pm praying, May Tes praying the maid came in hereto sese ge lizzy from overwork snd fainted in our bed Pray to God the maids inthis hotel wear pana! anv 1's not the maid, Millie sues Then I hope i the doctor... Is this your doctor, Marvin H's your doctor, then yous Boing to need your lawyer. . Ws not a doctor, Mille... I's a woman ‘tase That was my sind pues You can ell Amer an Airlines and tell chem to forget my luggage 1 won't be needing it... Let me ask you ally quer tion, Marvin. Why doesnt she move sawn T can explain that mir Ifyou tell me you have been carrying on with a helpless paralytic, I won't buy ie Marvin, DONE PLAY ON MY SYMPATHY! Manone She had six margaritas and a boule of vodka. She won't wake up tll tomoreow fe we o Mille, I deny Deut Inerening, cae aca yo of EVE] "THINGS (Ste onthe tt ro ono sta) sitahooker Marvin Isom cee kaee oriitahooker iiesahonker Pmgone ies You. IFissomeoneyoulnow, mason oes vost The nameang booker and eling youT¥e Sa : {hing else away from me, a least leave me my guilt wergpas, Marv, because that's al Tm leaving YU with she tarts towards te phone, He Blacks the 849) scabout? Retribution? What oe sthatallyoucn a abees yar srriage? Weren't they good deen yn —_ san ‘hey wee wife. wt 1 never ote linge ober neo the be Se or lw ei) TF ean win ou tack snvos Five minutes rot worth holding on to five mingres, chen T smut ‘Thank God you tid me. Can you imagine if ‘Tiel asleep and woke wp with Ber in. my arm waxvin T have sinned. T have transgressed. T have “Committed adultery. suuue Taher condition, it's necrophilia! ‘of my WAY. Ger out awake—drunk, but awake. We were Nay Sh think T would do something ke ee Calloted Play oF Net Simon Manvin To you, Mili. . Team understa ‘this is fmporant to you. Tome, it was messin wane That's a shar ae ts Thats shane Mac Lays 0 pu don't have a. time. ae ip) Lak how she oct move, No ange wan Go ech fn, Hl vould is gt Please. Mrs. Michaels, Room 203. Thank ce sp) I'll probably get the same cab she ee Marvin’ Does it help you to know: a J ‘her? I never asked her to ae a suse Realy? Who sent hee (rane goes into ab ree pel be (ie gam nd sano She ws ot A surprise gif Seon er ver I didn't even pay or sme Who did? Someone anus Wha's the difference? saute Whe did? Seanvny Tes not important sue Your brother, Harry! nase Your brother, Harty! He's the only one you fem ton My nd hen a any inital, but this outages Tet e sent oe t perfume do the women get, a bole of ocr neve ee aa Tey eter ee era Bence eee sreeunes onneaee lave a present there for me, I never e» cane neon aT onger she was attractive, she was a litle ia foe, And besides, I didn't Tes seas the 00m, ‘gue and she was pat tho iasult Harcy. He did i out of love arch of an excuse twill never bappen 4sin sor ae not only did 1 not enjoy it 1 don’ eves Berane ie, -_ That's the tory. Tf you want fo ferttme, T would understand ... And when I ill fryself, [ope yew understand seu (Gasp) Vin in shock. Tam in soa sock weave even reacted rothis yet. Arornado of anger vp unleashed when the full weight of Tying a next to your husband's hooker really bits me eh pc Back nthe Bedroom) 1 pean, Van sanding (she re ching the woman you forneated seeping fn the bed can et ita! eck in) Would you like a drink, it down for a drink. Ileal you anv (Polos ber Hponey? [could eal dovwa. want to be ealmed down. I want (0 you bring the camera? first trip 10 ue 1 don’t emember this moment. Did Treould like to have 2 picture of ou (California Just the thre of ws okay, Mile, Get i out. The quicker unix That's the quicker you'l be rid of i you get it out, mame No camera, Marvie? How about calling ery and geting the ficial bar mitzvah photoes Phee-The nerve ofthat man send you 3 gi ke ene noe would you say she cost, Marvin? Fift ene look like a lfy-dollar hooker t0 you? sani (ie lok tthe gil in te bed) don’ know’ goes Bt. swuiye What a cheap brother you've gor. We spe ‘hundrad and seenty oe on his lousy Ki susvne Millie, ve learned sy lesson. 1 promise it's ‘ieee and dose with 58 590 Calan Pays of Nel Sime Ser ere ee ‘through (hat huniliaspa? a suite I see, Then the joke on bm. Only you 7 kaow that U know Te Muni PH do whatever you want. Forget the be ‘mitzvah, If you avant to leave on the next plane for Philadelphia, il go with you, uti (Ske ponders bia lng, longtime) No... Li) not give You or your family that satisfaction Tan going to behave with more dignity than you ever dreamed of. Tam going tothat bar mitzvah with my head held high. Tam not going oleave you, Marvie Tam not going to divorce you... I am going tp forgive you. Lam going to forget sis ever happened Tam going to understand the reason thy it hapy pened, snd I will ever bring it up again a long as weve... Lam now going into Beverly Hills and spend every cent you've got seanvin Wait, Millie. Let me go with vou. PM get ‘ressed, well go shopping, well goto the bar mite. vah, and tonight well move into another hotel ‘Can we do that, Mi smuuie Yes, Marvin, would like that. [vould like to make a fresh star. I would like to try and rebuild four mareiage on teust and faith. T don't wane something lke this ever to happen to us agaa, M seanu It won't, Mile, I promise you that, (fe eer ‘over ro bey) TL never do anything to hurt you agais AS long as Ive. You're the most special woman is the world, Millie, and I love you. (Hr greb br) Tove you Millie cise (Tura etay) Please! Not in front of she hooke® ve 1 vr (Nes) Tel ake me owe minstes osha right oot. Then well 8 gsm Should we leave her 4 note or something? lon't think so, She's probably wsed 10 these Ainge _- You're such «thoughtful woman, Mile. (Hinds; more cis minute than F've ever loved YOU jn'my life. God, F'n leky. "Hd obot to bart into wars—be rans into te rom ering tbe door Bind bim 30 be con 2b prone. Te pone rings state pik it 4?) seuss (Int be pone) Hello? , What «- Obs Ye. aa cian them on. (Call inside) Marvin, the Kids Hello, daring. How are was 1 fe calling» Hello? 8 bmi sn the Bad) You miss me? Well miss ee tao (oa ies hack om tbe Bd) Daddy? ‘sleep too wel lastnight aaa sgh He i Oude eh Charles Bron- seibaplane Oh somemovie ee Vaan tuan>. Well a om wine ape dig Te ee a gga (Teco fl) A ugh forthe bar tah ree eerything Tams wpe da esa ond he rn ‘She leks at sou 592 Cott Raye of Net Sion Act Two SscaNE ont: Visitors from London hen rom i fled wth ors is ab inary pet Tae seta th amy oc I pur rh nb rom rte ae eth ta Ser fos Hes enact ‘ining oe gn ond oH cig aly Wa xy Me plen ost tn sop elt ‘emu team of cc fg be oe ot of eb, serine Bagh Se rng he ie ioe gum, bic ry epee fen th gh mir Ten a ako as Fon bf cr si Finished, Sidney. I'm dressed. I'm going te havea look (Seo min brie miro) Sida Disaster! Tonal diner. The Titus ei (Chris rat asthe dressmaker ought sim (Laos at iach ain) Where the hell isthe ten Thor's sither not enough eifon of 0 ach of me... 'm listing othe left, Sidney. God, 1 hope its the floor. Sidney. come im and look—an try to be gentle siowey (Gets up, crewing toward the bedroom) T's after five—wve should have left ten minutes ago. (He sop a the deorsay and lok ino ber) Wale soxey How much was it? sa Nothing Jow Levine paid frit pss Nothing J eer Tiesto ws You hate i: Damnit es, Moa ete (Rese exominng Brel ht ior) sack eye they done tome, Sidney? Thave a definite Va ngm my Tet shoulder. 1 mena, it's got v0 be ae erndred dollars ies penny, ed I Took Like raed the Third .- Do You notice the hump sidney? exer Ist that your regular hump? on national tele wish you didn't have guna Don'joke with me Pm going ove There are no humps 1 see 20 ical ome “(He takes a sip of bis drink) sana Te'sll buy onthe lft sie. Don’t you see Bow it bunches up? soxey Fave you taken out all the tissue paper? humps a this taxa” Tshould have worn something simple «My ‘ek pe suit, Why the hell didn't T wear = black pants suit owe Because hn wearing i uwxa Weshoulda't have come [never know how to bloody country, W's #0 easy vo dress in pei? yn warm clothing, Why did Eoaearieuets ans ser omy Bess el ee, ting sre Glenda kon never comes and she Mm nC ned yn We cou hve Seed a sate for» pone ell Mie in London 0 nce fr mee would be aie ted ane wold hve ee — 594 Cold Pos of Not Simon ‘sowey Use it, sweetheart, People will pity you ‘Your deformity and you're sure to wine bax Maybe if you put your arm on my shouki (te places bis arm around ber) Keep Your are iny shoulder at all times IT win, well go up gether, your arm around me, snd theyll hink we Sill mad for each other after twelve years smxey Ob, I thought we were. I keep forgetting ana (Loot a Bin) Flow man {in and tonics have ‘you ha siosey ‘Three gins, one tonic buena Well, catch up on your tonis. We don't want tobe disgusting tonight, do wet (Sb af up be bar Whar's wrong with my hair? It looks like ve combed it with 8 towel ey When you played Elizabeth you Jooked likes ‘wart hog and you never complained Snes, rane. That's acting, this is living. Living, 1 want to bbe beautiful -.. My hair isthe strangest color shed for a simple rinse and that queen gave me crayons ‘sovey Shall I walk with my atm on your head as well? uns ‘That's not funny, Sidney. Tha’ btarse. You Ihave the most bizarre sense of humor. sioxey Bizarre people often do, buna Ob, Chest, I hate getting dressed like this Why am Lalways so mich more comforable as someone else? T would have been perfectly happy going as Hedda Gabbler. Try Quasimodo, ian Try shutting up, Wha time is i? fv Late, We are definitely late na Justcheck me out, Do Ihave coo much jewelry gooey Single it cant tll FT done ear i se Will you please be nice to me and pay me one 08 compliment be been esting desed fe se canteen since si eelock whit enorme ine owes Youluak lovely. Andi that dose, lee "exert radiant : 1 on televvion? We sun Why don't we watch & w dey inte have champagne, make love and aps sbree thirty . ‘uaa (Sle its of ber sboxs) oo’ give me that “SUPE jor than thou” erap | sony (Lak a i wars) | ver You ar inking ae ou? or 602 ott Pays of Nat Sion buaxk You've been gloating all evening ‘ut om the sofa) all “pardon the expression” eve ning. roowry Pardon what expression? ux “Fucking” evening. swwer Then why dida't you sy i baa Because I'm a lady. A loser and a lady. Png treat loser and a greater Indy. soxry Who was thae giel you threw up on? axa” T beg your pardon? sory [eas asking who that attractive young gt ia the Puce! muu-mau that you threw up on er! una How would Iknow? IfTwereto tact counting All the women in Puce! muemuus that throw up (0, I would never have time to go shopping sxosey Well, [think her busband was one of the heads of Universal Picrures. It my guess that will snow in Tahiti before you work again at Uni versal Picture axa Unless of course, there's a pare that alls for throwing up on Pucci In chat event, think i's very Kkely Tl be considered. ssoxey Thate to be clinical about this, bur since you ‘had neither Inch nor dinner, aoe even a single canapé atthe ball, how could you possibly find any thing to throw up? buava When you have class, you can do anything. (Ske rer and acer) soxey You're not going to gee ate you? assy” allover ene, bux How long do you intend going on like this? stone Going on like what? (ste a Je am tre. sx Going on here i the wrong site Ml ike 1 take of my hump and go v0 bed cox Tost say it was 2 dreary afar, Dido’ you "Sag iva dreaty ffi? Aside from losing and throw: i ap on that gir it was a completly uamemors- a ble evening. sana Did Holl you Tsaw what hername in the Gysipons Indies room? ul save Who? suse What'sher-name? The one saw in the ladies” soxsy How would I posibly know? una Ob, Christ, you know her... She was in the Indies room, saosey Can you narrow it down 4 bit more? ava Barbe, soxey Sucisand? fiawa Was in the ladies’ room, sony Singing? nwa T don't think 9, There were no requests sioner What was she lke? in the ladies’ room, tee all prety puxa Wel ‘uch the same sory [would imagine. pawn She thought I should have won. swxer Did she say shat? pana No, I id. But she agreed with me. suowey Waso't that sweet of her taxa You never tokd me what award I missed when T went to the can. 604 Colt Pye of Nel Simon “svey The best documentary short subject, tans (Furies) Damn ie! My favorite category. iy wey The Midget of Leipzig! ...a Coech-Poish Pry duction . «Sigmund Wednetaki, Producer, be rected by Litweil Zumbredowica end Stefan View pinwa (Looks at bim) U though they would ‘what was the best picture? Ane swowey The best picture? You were there when they announced it. It came right after the best actress iawn Iwasin a deep depression at the time... Wha, was the best bloody picture? sovey You mean what was the best pictur ofthe ‘year or what did they pi as the best picture ofthe year? aA What won the award, you asshole? stoxey Tam aot an asshole. Don't yu call me that. Na. Sidney, Ihave just thrown up om some of the best people in Hollywood. This if no time to get sensitive. What war the best picture? soxey I'm not telling you Dane (She sits up all) 'm not aching you, Sidney T'm threatening you. What was the best picture? sovey And I said I'm not telling you, brant You're not going to tell me wh he best p= suowey T won'teves tell you who the nominees were. puawa You crud, sipwey Now I'm defintely not going to tell yous nana You mean you were going to tell me before | called you a crud? ‘Very possibly: I take it back, You are not a erud. ase sk asey Am Fill an asshole? Yes . “Then it’s back to definitely not telling 1'm going to our room. Give me the key. itil ‘You behaved sbominably tonight. 1 did not Aborinably: usa Not! soxer Acbom! una Asshole Grad! soxer You are behaving better now than you did at ‘the ball.» That wil give you an idea of how badly you behaved tonight (He ges wp) buawa Where are you gol soxey [am going t0 bed, [am going to get some ‘sleep: We havea ton As plane tocatch in the morn- you twit? ing. That is redundent evening. navn ‘Ten At ifthe mor You've been redundant seoxey When? When? When was I redundant? buasa ‘Turning to me and saying “Y'm soery” after hey announced that other twit had won is edn dent! uoxsy First you called me # twit and now you call "her twit, Two twits im one night is redundant busca Not when the twits are twits, That is being you AH! specific Fr iy 606 Catated Pays of Not Simon ‘una "Considering that Ushould ave won that eng | jit loaking in tbe mitrr) Ve aged, Sidney drink, please. rn SG pew stectbsted radial tre siowey You drant everything in California, Try Be cece ‘Nevada Tey | goxey That Hele Polish owerp ed "Spe Documentary ot Hr ext before wes Sar es my rune ashe doxeby = They mst ine upped ty photos of ws going i. Coming (Ceerases tthe bedroom, turing out eign ‘icing vom and on in the betrnm) puna Well, J had a wonderful time. (Sb fly | gutsa litte Mexican boy witha Brownie asked me ‘om in) Did you hear me? Isai, Thad a wonder | where Liza Minelli was. time. (Ste looks around) his looks just like mur rrrinee (Ste beads forthe phone) ‘sone (Sit om the Bd, abe a i caf ins and su) coin Have you ever seen a greater assemblage of hypo. | aS!” What are you doing . ‘rites under one roof in sll your life? suasaT'm calling room service. T want eggs Bent ‘ice (Ste pike ap te phone) scovay (Taking of bis jacket) You'll juse chuck it up er ane Sa Let ee and fawn over you on the way in. And if you come | &P™* or grec wih 's "Too bad, darling. Give us a call ouxa I must drop Barbra # note for agrecing wit when you're back in town” You should have ‘me... (Into the phone) Hello? Eggs Benedict, please. taxa Were the hypocrite there? I missed them Why dide' you point them oat to me (Se eros a leaks in iver) seoxey You have toask for room service is..twit rasa Room service, please. (Te sowex) Twit and a soxey Yer? rane (Looting inte the mirror). Sidney? buave Was hitby aus? ook very muchas though | ste Touché tee NEY a Renny, fast-moving Greyhound | yay (ite pone) No oom service... Are YOu = Imnrt here anyone there? 1 just want sme sromey What realy infuriated me is how quickly the | eggs Benedict... I could come down and mals winners got their ears... How could the winners’ | myself... see... Well, i's just not my night, cars be lined up s quickly outside if they dide't know beforehand. who the winners were? Bee (She bangs) sus ICs sige. We come six thousand miles foF | taaning his stir) Lost ago, di you? 607 608 Caled se of Noi Simon iawn Bitehy bitchy, darling, (98 reach: bck andi ‘ wnzip er dress) Ufound the people there singular, Unattractve this year. nticed a general decline Insc transplants and face lifts. Must be the economy, don't you think? owe They're no civilized out her, i's pina, ‘that. Did you notice Jack Nicholson sitting there tennis shoes? Black patent leather tennis shoes Tee never seen anything like it iwxa_ Realy? You must have been the only one there Tooking at Jack Nicholson's fet... By the Way, wn ‘was thac adorable young actor you were chatting ‘with all night? Gorgeous, wasn’ he? Where di you find him? siowey He was at our table, We shared a butter pte (Ue bas stared 10 got undreet) uava How spreadably cory. ssowey Cateful daring, You're tired dnd smashed [Lee's not get into shallow waters. iss Oh, Lam sorry, Letsjustealk show biz... And ‘ho did you vote for, Sidney? siowey Idon’t vote, dese. Lam nota member of the ‘motion picture industry. Tam an antiques dealer ‘One day when you area antique, I shal vote for you—that’s a promis ‘iana_ mean, who did you vote fr privately? Tn che ‘Jeep, deep inner twit recesses of your redundant ‘mind, wha were you hoping would win? ssosey In what category? iawn The strangest thing happened when I Tost, Sidney. I actually fele your body rel... Whea Miss Big Boobs ran up there, all teary-eyed and bouncing leah, I fet all the tension release from every patt of you, What could have caused such joy, T wondered to myself Happy that eas inal over or just happy? “What nasty streak you have when you drink ox = ‘als when you eat and sit and vs perverse, Sidney. WRY ae yOU 90 set Ob, tas perverse ie ‘conight? Picky, picky. picky .-- Are you recent ane my dress? revspy because you didi’ ge tO WEAF ‘your dress, darling, it would gsr TET had worn i personal rave hung properly. Nothing sua There neve anything personal with us, OF ") that getting too personal owe Diana, Lam sincerely sorry Mery ook att this way. I's just a Title Bal ana Juste er zipper) Wouk lon tonight ii Id, naked soll be one day. (Stil serualing tb id you please get this chiffon tent of Tet you sleep if it tonight ine. If you help me, ¥ (ile wnsip er sot) | ove We are taking «turn for the worse, Diana TLevs try and stay a5 sweet as we Were sua. Tellme .. Did he happen to carve bis phone ‘Aiimber inthe Butter patty fF YOU? sone Oh, go to hell: sethisd A direst assault? A from so lke you Sidney. Wir and puaxa To bell? Wh a attack? That's not ike hay wit and parry, thats your ste | una When, Sidney? Anytime at your

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