Table of Contents

Copyright Information and Disclaimer

This book is copyright 2012 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy,
distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part or to
contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this
book this isnt professional, legal or personal advice its our opinions and
intended for your personal entertainment only. You are solely responsible for
any actions you take and were not responsible for anything you decide to do
in your life.
Before you read any page beyond this one, you agree to the following:
2012, All Rights Reserved. You do not have permission to copy, distribute, sell, or
create derivative works from this book or our website without permission from A New
Mode, Inc. through express written permission from the authors, Eric Charles and
Sabrina Alexis. By reading any of the contents of this book beyond this page, you
agree to the following: You understand that the information contained on this page
and in this book is an opinion, and it should be used for personal entertainment
purposes only.
You are responsible for your own behavior, and none of this book is to be considered
legal or personal advice.
Now lets move on to the fun stuff

Prologue ............................................................................. 1
Introduction ....................................................................... 4
CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A
Relationship...................................................................... 16
WHAT MEN CONSIDER NEEDY BEHAVIOR ............................................................................. 16
HOW NEEDINESS RUINS A RELATIONSHIP ............................................................................ 21
HOW TO PREVENT NEEDINESS (AND BE THE WOMAN MEN CANT RESIST) .................. 25
HOW TO REDEEM YOURSELF FROM NEEDY BEHAVIOR ..................................................... 32

CHAPTER 2: When a Seemingly Good

Connection/Relationship Goes Bad .................................. 38
WHY DIDNT HE TEXT BACK?..................................................................................................... 38
WHY DID HE VANISH? ................................................................................................................. 45
WHEN A GUY ACTS DISTANT AND WITHDRAWS ................................................................... 53

CHAPTER 3: When You Don't Know How He Feels About

You... ................................................................................ 64
HOW TO KNOW IF A GUY LIKES YOU ....................................................................................... 64
HOW TO KNOW IF HE LOVES YOU ............................................................................................ 69
HOW TO KNOW IF HES PLAYING YOU AND/OR JUST WANTS SEX ................................... 73

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Wont Put a Label (Or a Ring) On

It ....................................................................................... 81
WHEN A GUY WONT CALL YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND ................................................................ 82
WHEN HE WONT COMMIT ON FACEBOOK ............................................................................. 93
WHEN HE ISNT PROPOSING...................................................................................................... 95

CHAPTER 5: Dealing With A Guy With Baggage.............. 103

DEALING WITH A GUY WHO LOST HIS JOB .......................................................................... 103
DATING A GUY ON THE REBOUND ......................................................................................... 107
DATING A GUY WITH EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE .................................................................... 113
WHEN TO WALK AWAY............................................................................................................... 119

CHAPTER 6: How to Get Him To Treat You Better And

Value You More ...............................................................122
A LITTLE APPRECIATION GOES A LONG WAY ...................................................................... 122
BE THE PRIZE AND HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE CAN TO WIN YOU OVER .................... 128

BONUS FOOTAGE ............................................................ 135

Final Thoughts ................................................................ 136

Prologue
From Eric Charles
For the past decade, I have worked with both men and women to
help them have the type of relationships theyve always wanted.
Sometimes we met in person and locally; other times we
communicated via e-email, phone, or Skype.
No matter what the method of communication, helping people with
their relationships has always been my dream and passion. Out of
everything Ive done to help people, writing the Ask a Guy column
and other dating content for A New Mode has been the most
rewarding experience of my life.
The reason I am able to do what I do now is not because I started
off as an expert at dating or relationships. In fact, if there were such a
thing as a dating report card, I would have scored a big fat fail every
year from middle school until midway through college.
That being said, my failures were all necessary to make me the
person I am today. In fact, it was those same failures that gave me
the insight to pin down the root issues that were causing me to screw
up. It was my failures that taught me about the sting of heartache and
heartbreak, insecurity, jealousy, paranoia, and all the other emotions
that can spring from the pursuit of love.
When Sabrina and I wrote this book, we wrote it for the A New
Mode audiencean audience of loving and intelligent women who
want happy and fulfilling relationships.
A lot of dating advice today has undertones (or blatant
expressions) of what I call the adversarial approach to dating. In this
approach, men and women are not partners, but adversaries. Its a

Prologue

game of man versus woman, where women are taught to treat

different rewards as bargaining chips in the relationship.
This brand of dating advice is usually littered with subtle malebashing and insidiously implants fears, cynicism, and bitterness about
men into the hearts of the readers.
This kind of advice is disgusting to me since it puts a woman in a
state of mind that is completely contrary to the goal she had when
she entrusted that teacher with her wish to have a happy and
fulfilling relationship with a man she loves.
This approach was invented by marketers whose intent was to
reach into a womans psyche, agitate her worst fears, and then
essentially scare her into buying more of their poisonous advice.
Please forgive me for my passion in this area, but I truly believe that
part of my mission as a dating advisor is to put an end to the man
versus woman and woman versus man mentality that pervades the
relationship advice arena.
When you have true knowledge of the workings of men and
relationships, you can love freely. You wont feel jaded, defensive,
and angry; rather, it you will feel open and connected to your partner
and to the human race as a whole.
I think you would agree that you cannot know love, nor have love
flow to or from you, when your guard is up. People with high walls
around their psyche are the loneliest and most defensive; and those
walls take root and grow from irrational fears. I think youd also agree
that the best relationship advice is that which eradicates those fears,
as opposed to exacerbating them.
One of our goals with this book is to show you that many of your
fears are total illusions and the rest can be easily handled or avoided
completely. When you realize that there is nothing to fear, you will be

Prologue

able to finally lower your shield and be able to truly give and receive
love.
This book is a distillation of the best of the best dating and
relationship advice from A New Mode (anewmode.com). The insights
shared on the site and in this book came from a combination of
research, our own life experiences, and feedback from thousands
upon thousands of readers who have applied our advice and
experienced significant improvements in their lives and relationships.
We have learned many lessons the hard way. Growth, especially
growth that stems from pain, is uncomfortable, and sometimes even
unbearable. It can help to remember that it is part of the journey and
that there will come a day when you will reach ultimate happiness
and fulfillment in the deepest sense, provided that you always
remember that pain and suffering is the price for learning, maturity,
and growth.
This book builds on itself to create a complete picture and
approach to dating and relationships. Until you finish it and view its
lessons as a complete approach, you will be missing key elements.
While you could pick up this book and flip to a chapter that directly
applies to your immediate situation, it is best that you do not skip
around since core secrets and solutions are revealed in a specifically
crafted sequence for your maximum learning and growth.
At this point, I have said everything I needed to say to set the tone
for this book. Lets begin.

Prologue

Introduction
From Sabrina Alexis
The following is a story that may resonate with more than a few of
you. Actually, based on the Ask a Guy questions we receive, I know it
will.
It was a Saturday afternoon. I met up with a group of friends at a
bar to watch some sports game. I spotted him right away and felt that
familiar flutter. The bar was small and a game of cat and mouse
ensued. Eye contactlook awaylook over again, oh man, he's not
looking anymore. Talk to friends, a slow, sly shift of the eyes back his
way andwe have contact again! I stealthily make my way to the bar
to get another round (and not at all because he happens to be
standing there), and finally, an excuse emerges for him to get the
conversation going.
"Oh wow, double fisting? You must really be on a mission!" he
says.
"Ha, well this one is actually for my friend," I casually reply.
"Sure, sure" he smiles. "By the way, I'm Kevin."
Nice to meet you, Im Sabrina. And we have lift-off!
We spend the rest of the afternoon chatting and watching the
game (or pretending to, in my case). One of his friends hits it off with
one of my friends and soon the four of us are off to a different bar to
play a game of pool, and then to another bar for a change of scenery.
Before I know it, its getting dark and Im running late for dinner with
my parents.
"Will you come meet up with us after dinner?" he implores,

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disarming me with his utter adorableness.

"Yeah, totally. As long as Im not too tired, it's been a long day!"
"I don't think you're gonna come."
"I promise I'll try."
"Okay, well I really hope you do."

I go to dinner still buzzing off the high of a magical meeting. I try to

eat and make conversation, but an overpowering voice inside keeps
pestering me to check my phone to see if he texted. I check
oncetwicethree timesmake a vow not to check again for ten
minutes, stare at my watch, begging it to hurry up, check again,
repeat, repeat, repeat.
He eventually does text, putting a much-needed end to my inner
turmoil. He tells me where he is and asks if Im coming to meet. I
pretend to be unsure, he begs a little more, Ill pay for the cab! Stay
for just one drink! Come for 15 minutes! Just please come!
As soon as the check is paid, I head back into the night for the
final stretch of what felt like the worlds longest first date.
The second I arrive, he rushes to the door to greet me, much like
a puppy rushes to its master after a long and painful day of solitude.
You made it! Im so happy to see you, he says with an enormous
self-satisfied grin.
Aw, thats sweet. I smile back, feeling quite impressed with
myself for playing my cards so perfectly.

Kevin and I had our first official date later in the week and from there,
what felt like an effortless new relationship started to blossom. In the
beginning, my overwhelming fear of getting hurt caused me to hold
back and I proceeded with utmost caution. I was also entrenched in a

Introduction

crazy time in my life, a time known as New York Fashion Week. My

days were jam-packed from seven a.m. until the wee hours of the
morning, and in between all the shows and parties, I had tight
deadlines to meet. I tried to squeeze in Kevin when I could, but
spending time together usually involved him tagging along to some
fashion party I was covering.
The glamour of it all soon came to an end. Once I was back in the
real world, it was time to have a real relationship. Things were far less
glamorous, but still effortless and fun. We were spending more and
more time together: dinners, brunches, moviesall the usual couple
stuff. In fact, it felt like my first real grown-up relationship. Kevin was
very open about his feelings for me, unlike guys I had dated in the
past. He wasnt shy about telling me how much he cared and it didnt
take long for my initial hesitation to melt away.
Then things started to shift. He was suddenly swamped at work,
he would go a few days without contacting me, his messages got
shorter, and he would cancel plans last minute. Busy weeks are
understandable, so I let it slide, taking comfort in the fact that at least
he was keeping me in the loop via text and e-mail (Can't make it
tonight, have to stay in the office until midnightSo sorry I haven't
called in a few days, work has been nuts, thinking about you though!).
Things trudged on like this for a bit until the calls and texts
stopped entirely. After a week of no contact, I received a text from
Kevin asking me how Paris Fashion Week had been for me (Um, I
didn't go to Paris for Fashion WeekYou didn't? I just assumed you
would be there...Wouldn't I have mentioned that to you?... I don't
know, just assumed). I wrote this off as an innocent misunderstanding
and felt a deluded sense of relief (Oh! So he thought I was in Paris
this whole time, no wonder he didn't call or text! How silly!). We hung
out one final time following that exchange and then. silence.
After three weeks of not hearing a peep, I closed the book on

Introduction

Kevin. I was immensely confused, yet somehow not convinced that

this was the end of us. Everything was going so well, it can't end like
this! I wont allow it!
Well it didn't end in silence. Oh no, the real ending was just so
much better.
One night I received a highly unexpected phone call from a
number I couldnt muster the strength to delete. After one chime of
my ringtone, my hurt and confusion morph into relief and elation. I
decide to forgive him before even answering the phone, resolving to
play it cool and collected.
Hi!(Mental note: dial down the enthusiasm, jeez!)
Hey It's Kevin, he says, his voice low and seductive.
Yeah, I know. It's been a while, how've you been?
Im good. Sohow was that day off?
What do you mean? I didn't have a day off.
Yeahthat day off you were looking forward to. You were talking
about it the other night.
Um, no I wasnt because I didnt have a day off and I havent
spoken to you in weeks
Wait. Oh my God. Crap. (End call)
I stare at my Blackberry in stunned silence. What the hell was
that? That could not have been what I think it was. No way, no how.
This is a mix up, a silly misunderstanding. Im sure I had a day off a
while ago and hes confused. Yes, thats it!
I call him back. No answer. I send a text: "I don't know what just
happened, but that was really weird and I think you owe me an
explanation." (Spoiler alert: it's been about five years and Im still

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waiting for a response.)

As I stood there, trying to pick up my jaw from the floor while
mentally debating whether I should laugh or cry, my male roommate,
David, burst through the door with a few of his guy friends.
"Sabrina, get dressed. We're going to a party!" he shouts from the
hall.
"I can't. I think Kevin just dumped me by accidentally calling me
thinking he was calling a new girl he's seeing."
"What? Oh man, that sucks. Well, get dressed. The party will
make you feel better."
"I can't go. I think I need to stay in and feel sorry for myself. Yes,
that is totally the appropriate move."
Cue David and his friends storming into my room to berate me for
being ridiculous and irrational.
So youre just gonna sit in your room and feel sorry for yourself all
night?
Yes. Im a girl and that is just how its done.
There will be tons of guys at the party, youll find someone else.
No, I hate boys. I hate them all! I hate all of you!
Youre such a girl.
I am not! You dont get it. I really, really liked him. He's the first
guy I really liked since my ex, that's huge! It took me a year to get
over that. I just don't get it, seriously, Ill never understand men. Now
go away, Im done fraternizing with the enemy.
They laugh and I almost do too, until I remember that this is real
life. He called me thinking I was some other girl?! SERIOUSLY?!

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I had my phone all set to dial one of my girlfriends to do the

obligatory re-hashing of every detail in a desperate attempt to
understand why, when David presented me with a more tempting
offer.
Okay Sabrina, let's make a deal. We're gonna talk about this for
five minutes. You tell us what happened, and we will explain
everything to you. After that, you're coming out with us and we're not
talking about this for the rest of the night.
Hmm interesting. I was skeptical, but totally up for the
challenge.
I recapped the relationship as swiftly and effectively as I could,
making sure to highlight every nice thing Kevin said and sweet thing
he did, in order to further emphasize my totally justified state of
confusion. The feedback I received from the boys was not what I
expected. I was startled, amazed, enlightened, and I feltbetter.
Here is the summation of what went down during that eyeopening conversation on that fateful night.
Source of Confusion #1: On our second date, Kevin said he has
never liked a girl so much after only two dates and it usually takes a
lot longer for him to develop those kinds of feelings.
My take: He must have really liked me off the bat; I was clearly the
exception to his ruleshe even said so! If he didn't mean it, why
would he say it? That wouldnt make any sense. The ball was clearly
in my court at this point because he was the one being so open and
vulnerable.
Guys take: When a guy says something sweet and sentimental like
that in the early stages, he's lying. He's not really expressing how he
feels about you; rather, he wants to determine how you feel about
him. He may like you, or at least see you as a girl he could like, but
the reason he said those things was to see your reaction. Men are

Introduction

insecure too. No guy wants to get hurt and the best way to protect
himself is to make sure you really like him before he can let himself
go there.
Let's say you were a little indifferent when he said those mushy
things, and responded with something like, "Aw, that's nice." Then, he
would know that he has to work a little harder to win you over. I bet
you got all excited when he said that sappy crap (ummaybe) so the
ball was in his court. He had you right there.
Source of Confusion #2: He came back from his yearly vacation
with his family and when I said I was jealous, he said maybe next
time I'd go too. This wasnt the only time he talked about the future.
He also mentioned us going to a concert that summer. It was
February! Why would he make plans so far down the line??
My take: A guy even mentioning going on vacation with a girl is huge!
It clearly means he was looking ahead toward the future and
envisioned me meeting his family and being a continued part of his
life. I mean, he didn't have to mention anything about me going on
vacation with his family. The relationship was still so new and fresh; I
totally would not have expected him to say anything along those
lines. So if he didn't mean it, why would he say it?
Guys take: Oh, he did mean it. He meant it at that moment, anyway.
He wasn't lying when he said maybe next time you'd go, but he didn't
necessarily think of it logistically. Guys are very in-the-moment
thinkers. We usually aren't looking ahead; we look at whats in front of
us. I'm sure at that moment he was thinking, "Wow, this girl is so cool
and fun, yeah, she should come on vacation! That would be
awesome!"
He wasn't thinking about whether you'd still be together a year
from now, or even a week from now. It was just a fleeting thought to
him that didn't carry much weight. (Cue me feeling like an utter moron
for thinking this fleeting thought was a major relationship milestone).

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10

Source of Confusion #3: In the beginning, he always called and

texted. As time went on, the calls and texts became less and less
frequent. However, he always gave me an explanation if he had to
cancel plans, or if he went a day or two without calling me back.
My take: In the beginning, he pursued me because that's how
relationships usually start. When things became more settled, it was
totally acceptable, if not expected, for me to begin initiating contact.
Also, if he wasn't into me, why not just end it? It would have been
easy for him to say he needed to focus on work, especially since he
would often blame work when he had to cancel plans. If he had
already decided he didn't want to be with me, why continue to string
me along?
Guys take: First of all, if you find yourself asking a guy why he didn't
call or text you back, the relationship is in crisis mode. The first time
you asked him why he didn't call you back (I didn't say I ever said
that!... Did you?... Well yeah, but...Exactly!), he felt smothered and
you looked needy. The chase was over, he knew he had you. He
could disappear for a few days because he knew you'd still be there
waiting. You may nag him a bit, but youd be there.
I'm sure he still had feelings for you at that point. However, it
sounds like he was looking for what else was out there and he kept
coming back because he hadnt found anything better (WHAT?!...
Dont be offended, if you hadnt been so needy, he would have only
been looking at you...Yeah that doesnt make me feel better).
When you started asking why he didnt call, and when you
expected to hang out all of the time, the excitement was gone and the
relationship was no longer fun and enjoyable for himit was a
burden. Calling or texting may not normally be a big deal, but when a
guy feels like he has to do it, then it's a nuisance.
Source of Confusion #4: After his first disappearance, he texted at
around 2 a.m. to see if I wanted to come over to his place. I was still

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11

out with friends and wasn't really tired, so I went. This was the last
time we ever saw each other.
My take: I know, I know, a 2 a.m. text is a booty call, but we were
dating! It's not like we were just casually hooking up, so it's not the
same. Couples go over to each others places late at night all the
time! And things went really well; he was sweet and affectionate, we
went out to brunch in the morning. Why did it end after that? Would it
have been too much to ask for a warning?
Guys take: First, you were an idiot to go over there at that hour and
yes, you were a booty call (ouch). This would have been bad under
normal circumstances, but considering you went running over there
after he vanished for a week with that lame excuse about thinking you
were in Paris, it basically put the nail in the coffin (But he did think
that! And it really was Paris Fashion Week!... No, he didnt, that was a
lie. Its an impressive lie, but still a lie).
At that point, there was nothing left to keep him interested. He
knew he could treat you however he wanted and you'd come running
whenever he wanted to see you, and theres nothing sexy or
appealing about that. Before this, he was definitely more than halfway
out the door; you just gave him the final shove. Once a guy no longer
respects a girl, its done for. Hell either disappear or continue treating
her like crap.
Source of Confusion #5: The end in general. He disappeared,
reappeared, disappeared, then the final phone call. Three letters:
W.T.F.
My take: I knew things were deteriorating, but I was so blindsided by
everything that I assumed it would all somehow magically go back to
the way it was. I didn't understand what could account for his sudden
shift. We never fought and he never said anything about me acting
needy or whatever. Things seemed fine and then he was just gone.
This is confusing! And why start seeing someone new without giving

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12

me the courtesy of a civilized breakup?

Guys take: In the beginning, he was trying to impress you and win
you over. Once he knew you were won, he relaxed. He thought to
himself, Ahhh, now I can finally relax and just enjoy my time with this
girl without having to go over-the-top anymore. But when you started
acting needy, it killed the magic and attraction. It shattered his image
of you as the sexy, fun, secure girl.
In relationships, girls have no problem pointing out when a guy is
doing something wrong. When she's unhappy, you know why. It's not
that simple with guys because no guy wants to have a talk about the
relationship and who's feeling what. If a guy is feeling annoyed or
smothered, he's not gonna tell you, especially when it's the very
beginning of a relationship. He thinks it wont solve anything; itll just
make you crazy and upset. When it gets to this point, hell see your
behavior as a taste of worse things to come and for him, that's
enough to leave with no explanation.

It took a bit longer than five minutes, but I had my answers. I had
nothing more to say, no other excuse or explanation to provide. I
knew everything I wanted to know and that was that. Everything just
snapped into place. That's it? It was that easy? I didn't feel sad; I
didnt even feel angry. So I got up, got dressed, went to the party and
had an amazing night. I didn't talk about Kevin, I didn't even think
about him. The only thing I could think about was how much time and
tears I could have saved through the years had I known all of this!
It's been five years and I can still picture it all exactly as it
happened. Me, sitting at the edge of the bed with three hunky guys
standing over me, taking turns telling me things I seriously didn't want
to hear, but really needed to know.
I didn't want to hear about what I did wrong, this was supposed to
be his fault. He was the idiot who had something amazing (me) and
screwed it up. I was caring, kind, and fun. I even brought him to

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13

Fashion Week! So it's his loss, right? Well, that's the kind of stuff
women's magazines tell us to play on repeat in our minds. In truth,
we need to accept at least some responsibility.
At the end of the day, there's no denying that I acted needy, plain
and simple. While the relationship started off balanced, it soon
devolved to the point where he was calling all the shots, dragging me
along for the herky jerky ride. Was he a jerk for running away? I'd like
to think so, but the answer is not really. He's not a jerk; he's a guy.
In addition to a breakup, crystal clear clarity, and way too many
shots of whiskey, that night brought on an epiphany: this is what the
world needs, guys who will tell it like it is! (Okay fine, maybe not the
world, but certainly most of the women occupying it).

About seven months after the Kevin debacle, a few twists of fate
turned my epiphany into a reality. It started when I got back in touch
with an ex-boyfriend (yes the same ex it took me a year to get over...
dont even ask!), things sped up when I got laid off from my job, and it
all culminated when a newly unemployed me and a super tech-savvy,
forward-thinking ex decided to start a website. The first order of
business: an Ask a Guy column in order to strip away all the
misconceptions and expose the real reasons guys act the way they
do.
It didn't take long for the section to take off and soon enough, we
were sifting through thousands of e-mails from girls of all ages from
all over the world, all wanting to know one thing: why is he doing this?
Men and women speak different languages. The reason? Were
different. As such, we see and interpret things differently in many
ways, especially when it comes to relationships. If I had a dime for
every time I heard some girl lament, "I just don't understand guys!" I'd
be on my own private yacht sailing through the Greek Isles dripping in
diamonds and sipping the worlds most expensive champagne.

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14

Understanding why men act the way they do is fundamental to

gaining more satisfaction and fulfillment from your relationships (not
to mention, preserving your sanity!). Its amazing how us gals can
analyze the tiniest, minute details, but completely miss the overall
picture.
Most women don't even know how they are being perceived by
men. They try to gain a mans respect and admiration, but they simply
dont know how and they end up devaluing themselves in the process
of trying to win him over. These kinds of confusions (and oftentimes,
delusions) can eat away at your sense of self and prevent you from
ever attaining the kind of relationship you want.
With that said, let's delve deep into the male mind and get to the
heart of the most pressing relationship issues.
Buckle up, your life is about to change for the better.

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15

CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors

That Kill A Relationship
Immature love says: I love you because I need you. Mature love
says: I need you because I love you. - Erich Fromm
Most relationship problems stem from the fact that one action can
have two totally different interpretations. A lot of the time, women
remain completely unaware of how their actions are being construed
by the fellas. As a result, theyre left baffled and thoroughly perplexed
as to what went wrong.
Were going to put an end to the confusion right here and now by
telling you the reason so many relationships are wrought with
problems. Ready? Its called neediness.
Neediness is a tricky concept because it means very different
things to men and women. Women worry about being needy because
the term gets thrown around, but nobody stops to actually explain
what it means to be needy.
Considering it's the source of almost every relationship issue that
exists, it deserves some careful clarification.

WHAT MEN CONSIDER NEEDY BEHAVIOR

Most women consider neediness to be an overt behavior, something
like nagging, clinging, or demanding his love and affection. While
those things certainly constitute neediness, its important to note that
neediness can take on a much more subtle form for guys.
Neediness is needing a guy to respond to you in a certain way.
You might think youre being as stealthy as a fox, but if you need a
guy, for any reason, he will sense it. Try as you will to cover your

CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A Relationship

16

tracks, he can sniff out neediness like a highly trained canine. If you
are coming from a place of desperation, fear, worry, or a need for him
to respond in a certain way or you will be upset, then it will come
across as needy behavior.
Classic Needy Behaviors
If youre getting all hung up because a guy isnt acting in some
particular way and its making you feel insecure, nervous, or worried,
that is absolutely neediness. Expecting someone to respect your time
does not equal neediness. Needing them to act a certain way or you
get angry/sad/upset/self-conscious does. A guy doesnt want to feel
like your emotional livelihood depends on him being there. He wants
to feel wanted, desired, respected, loved, praised, acknowledged,
and appreciated but not needed!
Most girls think they're being the best girlfriend ever by
accommodating his schedule and his needs when in reality, the guy
can tell from a mile away that she's doing these great girlfriend things
out of desperation. And nothing taints a relationship quite like the
stink of desperation.
Think about it, if there were some guy who was obsessed with
trying to please you in every way, no matter how badly you treated
him in return, you would think he was a pushover (or an obsessive
stalker). You would probably take the behavior for granted and you
certainly wouldnt place much value on it. You wouldnt be able to
respect him or trust the things he does because you would know he
was only doing them to try to win you over and gain your approval.
Well, its the exact same thing for guys.
Women love to fight this one, but theres nothing to be ashamed
of. Neediness is an epidemic. Its not that youre not smart, beautiful,
engaging, and worthy of the love you want; its that you arent firm in
these convictions within yourself and instead rely too heavily on a

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man to give them to you. You may feel that youre missing something,
like youre not whole, and you may, consciously or unconsciously,
believe that a relationship or someone outside of yourself will fill that
void.
If youve ever stared at the phone begging it to ring; if youve ever
found yourself on the backburner while a guy figures out what he
wants; if youve ever come up with a million justifications as to why a
guy is behaving a certain way (Hes busy! Hes stressed! His last
girlfriend was mean!); if youve ever rearranged your schedule to
accommodate his; if youve ever demanded an explanation for where
hes been and why he didnt call you back; if youve ever asked him
where the relationship was going, and then stuck around when you
didnt get the answer you wanted; if youve ever felt truly disappointed
and devastated by a guys behavior and let it slide (possibly in an
attempt to not seem needy), only to find yourself going through the
same cycle over and over, then you are (or were) too needy.
The Needy State of Mind
More than it is a specific set of behaviors or actions, neediness is a
state of mind. When you have a void within, it poisons every
interaction you will ever have. Neediness isnt reserved for the early
stages of a relationship; it can strike at any time.
As soon as you look outside yourself and to your partner to fill you
with something you feel is missing, you are needy. The moment
neediness rears its ugly head, your partnerbe it a new guy you just
started dating or the man youve been married to for yearswill feel
uncomfortable or smothered or suffocated or trapped and he
will withdraw.
The only way to keep his interest and ensure he never leaves you
hanging is pretty simple. Want to know the secret? Be interesting!

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How can you be interesting? Fill your life with things that interest you
aside from just him!
Sub-text Is the Spoken Language
In any human interaction, there is what's being said (the "text") and
what's being said between the lines (the "sub-text").
For example, if a girl says to a guy, "I was waiting all night for your
call! Why didn't you call me back?" that's the surface text. The subtext, however, is screaming, "You are the center of my universe - the
fact that you didn't call me ruined my evening and made me an
emotional wreck because you are the only thing that matters to me in
my life!"
As another example, lets say a girl doesnt hear from a guy, so
she goes out and has a fun night with her friends. The next morning
she texts him something like, "Morning sunshine. How was your
night?" The sub-text: "You're a person I like and I'm saying hi." Nice
and light. Nothing manipulative, nothing punishing. Just a warm
positive message to let him know shes thinking of him without
needing something from him.
When it comes to dating and relationships, the language spoken is
sub-text. If you pout and whine and become insecure, he will instantly
feel pressured to act a certain way and he will withdraw or want to
avoid you. The more you persist, the more hell resist. When dealing
with men, a much more effective approach is to convey your
message through the sub-text.
When someone leaves a message in the sub-text for you to
decode, you start thinking about it... more and more... and you don't
resist it or see it as a threat. When a guy decodes the sub-text, he will
start thinking about the implications of what you're saying. He'll start
questioning the situation, "Am I willing to lose her? Would I rather be
single and lose her, or should I see where a relationship with her

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goes?"
For instance, lets say a guy has to bail on you last minute and you
respond with something like, No worries, understandable. He
doesnt quite know where you stand. He knows youre being cool
about it, but he doesnt really know how you feel. He wont feel
pressured or resentful because he is coming to his own conclusions,
not a conclusion that manifested from you coming down on him with a
heavy hand. He is realizing on his own terms that if he wants you, he
needs to put in the effort. If he doesnt, he may lose you and he will
have no one to blame but himself.
Now isnt that so much better than him acting a certain way
because hes afraid hell get yelled at if he doesnt do what you want?
Actions Speak Louder than Words
One major gender difference thats important to note is that men,
much more than women, hear actions louder than words. If you say
to a guy, I really dont appreciate it when you leave me hanging, my
time is precious and then go running over to his place when hes
available and wants to see you, your words carry absolutely no
weight. Hes not going to think to himself, She doesnt appreciate it
when I go days without contacting her so Ill make an effort to call
more. His thoughts will sounds more like, I dont need to stay in
constant contact with this one because shell be here when I want to
see her.
If instead you turn him down when he asks to hang out after days
of being off in the abyss, hell learn that your time is precious and if
he doesnt make his presence known, there is a strong chance you
will move on and forget about him. If you pull away from him when he
isnt giving you what you want, youre showing him that you will not
tolerate being treated like a second class citizen, so he better shape
up or ship out.

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HOW NEEDINESS RUINS A RELATIONSHIP

If you don't think you're being needy, take a second to think about the
way your guy has been acting lately; his actions usually say it all.
If a guy is feeling smothered and suffocated by a needy girl, she
may notice one of the following:
He starts pulling away or withdrawing
He calls or texts less frequently
He stops initiating contact
He seems less interested overall
When you try to talk to your man and he wont listen or shuts
down, he is probably reacting to you acting needy. If the neediness
continues, the relationship will begin to unravel. Neediness may seem
innocent, but it can cause serious damage if you let it run wild. Keep
going to find out how.
It Suffocates the Relationship
Men and women who feel incomplete or unhappy within themselves
may yearn to fill this void with someone else. When an opportunity for
this salvation arises, they may end up acting desperately and clinging
to the relationship as if it's the one and only source of joy in their
livesand maybe it is.
When you rely on someone else too heavily for your own
happiness, you suck the life out of the relationship. Instead of being
an enjoyable and meaningful journey, it becomes a scary
rollercoaster of ups and downs, uncertainty and need, emptiness and
temporary satisfaction. This rollercoaster is not healthy and its no
way to live. The initial high of being with someone who filled that void
within you will wear off and when it does, you will end up resenting

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your partner for not giving you the same fulfillment, as false and
fleeting as it was.
Neediness leaves no room for a relationship to grow and instead
forces it into a state of perpetual stagnation. Rather than two people
moving forward together, one takes a step closer and the other
moves further way.
A healthy relationship is one where both people can look forward
and move ahead in the same direction without tearing each other
down and throwing roadblocks. This can only happen when both
people enter into the relationship without expecting the other person
to fulfill all of their needs. Or that they even should or could only the
individual can truly fulfill their own emotional needs.
Love is all about giving and if you are in a needy state of mind, the
only thing youll be focused on is what you can get from the other
person. All of your giving will just be a ploy to get him to feel a certain
way about you and as a result, you will never feel at ease within the
relationship.
It Scares Him Away
When a girl starts acting needy, especially in the beginning of a
relationship, it is the ultimate red flag to a guy; its not even a logical
or conscious decision. Neediness, for most guys, is synonymous with
emotional dependency, as in this woman is dependent on you in
order for her to feel good. Men do not want to be the emotional center
of your universe. It sounds romantic and flattering at first, but quickly
becomes a lot of pressure and an emotional drain.
When a man feels that needy-energy coming from a woman early
in a relationship, it feels like coercion he either has to give in and
act how she wants him to act or deal with her being upset. Guys get
tired really fast of having to reassure a girl that they actually like her.
Plus, that sort of thing will make him wonder whats wrong with you if

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its so hard for you to believe he actually likes you!

Guys can feel neediness when it's attached to anything:
a behavior, a comment, a text, a pout. And when that little red flag
goes up in his mind and he feels that she's opening her emotional
void for him to fill, panic sets in and he backs away.
Sensing that a girl is needy, even on the slightest level, is a
visceral turn off. Guys know intuitively that when they reward
neediness with a response, it conditions the girl to continue
outsourcing the task of filling her emotional voids, putting the
responsibility entirely on him.
Nobody else can fill an emotional void for you; only you can repair
it. And since it can never be "filled" from someone on the outside,
your guy may start backing off. He has seen the brochure and while
he was initially looking forward to taking the trip, he realizes he
doesnt have the stamina to deal with the destination.
The thing girls dont realize is that this situation is disappointing for
guys. He doesnt want to be a jerk, he really did like you and he
wants to continue liking youyoure just doing such a good job
talking him out of it!
You Never Feel Like Youre Enough
Another major mistake is feeling that you are not enough. This
attitude kills relationships. It feeds into the neediness because it
compels people to use their relationship as a crutch in order to feel
like enough, when really their focus should be on figuring out how to
be enough by themselves so they can bring their best self to the
relationship.
When a person doesn't feel they're enough, they end up sucking
life out of the relationship instead of pumping life into the relationship.
Whenever you put effort into a relationship with a man, you are

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investing in him. Whenever he puts effort in, he is investing in you. If

you are waiting by the phone for him to call or for him to make time
for you, then youre probably the only one doing the investing.
The trouble with neediness is that it isnt necessarily a problem
based in how you interact with other people. Its a problem with how
you interact with yourself it just manifests itself in a way that repels
people and therefore becomes a relationship problem.
When you adopt a sense of feeling complete and ditch the
neediness, you will automatically signal to a guy that you wont put up
with something that is less than what you actually want.
The Stink of Desperation Colors Everything
When a woman is desperate, she lowers her standards, lowers her
self-worth, and focuses most of her energy on trying to give the guy
everything simply because he's a guy. She thinks that having a man
in her life will somehow fill a void or make her feel complete and does
anything and everything to make sure he sticks around.
The guy in this type of scenario will accept the massive bounty of
gifts, affections, favors, and anything else she gives. He knows that
shes willing to give and give as long as he is willing to acknowledge
her lowly existence in some minimal capacity.
The really sad thing is that everything the girl does stinks of
desperation; she just doesnt know it. Nothing comes across as a
pure act of love, kindness, or bonding. It all reeks of rank desperation
and it creeps the guy out. While he likes the goodies, he almost feels
guilty accepting them since he knows that she thinks she's scoring
points with him.
If a girl isn't desperate, if she's happy and content in her life with or
without a guy in the picture, if she feels "whole" without needing to be
in a relationship, then she's going to act totally different. Her

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happiness with her life will flow into her interactions with any man she
meets. She will naturally give freely, but would never give something
away that she wouldn't have been willing to give away for free. And
she'll only accept what she actually wants because she doesn't need
a relationship... she wants one.

HOW TO PREVENT NEEDINESS (AND BE THE WOMAN

MEN CANT RESIST)
The kind of girl that gets the guy and keeps him is the one who isnt
afraid of losing him. She wants him, she desires him, she appreciates
him, but she doesnt need him to make her feel complete or worthy.
She carries herself in a way that lets him know shell be outta there if
he doesnt appreciate her and hold her to the same high standard she
holds herself.
Men aren't the problem. Women aren't the problem. Self-esteem,
self-love, and self-fulfillment are the missing ingredients that
transform everything for the better.
Here is how its done:
Find Fulfillment
The secret here is in finding how to be enough without needing him to
do anything in order for you to feel happy and content with yourself
exactly as you are. A man wants a woman who has found emotional
fulfillment within her life and comes into the relationship already
feeling full, instead of with her hands out like a beggar that will take
any scraps hes willing to spare.
Relationships work best when they're the icing on the cake, not
the sugar, the flour, the eggs, and whatever else you need to make
the entire thing come together. When your life is so full and enjoyable
that you would be OK with or without a relationship, then you are in a
position to truly connect with another person on the deepest, most

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genuine level, a level that is completely absent of neediness.

We think you would agree that a woman who is happy and loves
herself is in a much better position to relate to her significant other
than one who is dealing with emotional issues and insecurities. Its a
standard that always holds true no matter what the specific situation.
Rather than focusing on the guy youre with, or on how to get a
guy to be with you, focus on your life and learn ways to love yourself
and find true happiness that comes from within. When you are
enough for you to be happy, suddenly the world opens up to you and
everyone loves you and wants to be around you.
Dont Accept Less Than What You Deserve
When you accept less than what you want and feel that you deserve,
you are lowering your value (this is assuming your wants are realistic,
not rooted in fairytale). When this happens, you can rest assured that
your guy will not raise that value for you. If you find something on
sale, do you absolutely insist on paying the original retail value? Not
likely.
People tend to push things as far as they possibly can. Its human
nature to try to get as much as you can with the bare minimum effort.
Only needy people put up with something that's less than what they
want. If he knows he can act however he wants without the fear of
you leaving then.he will.
Needy women want men to fill a void for them or to rescue them
from their lackluster lives. They come into all their relationships with
their hands out, wanting and needing and taking whatever they can
get. But when a woman loves her life, she comes into the relationship
already "whole." Because she is "enough" on her own, she is
naturally appreciative, giving, and generous in her relationships.

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Stay Busy
The best way to not be needy is to make sure you have plenty to
keep you busy and feeling fulfilled. We know how easy it is to get
wrapped up in a new relationship, but it is still extremely important to
maintain your own life. When a girl is independent and has a lot going
on, she becomes more appealing to the guy because he has to fight
for her time and work to win her over. These are the kinds of women
make men fall in love without putting in any effort and have mutually
fulfilling relationships that flourish. Its a law of the universe, the more
you love yourself, the more love you attract.
One thing to watch out for is keeping yourself busy solely for the
sake of staying distracted so you stop checking in on your guy. Being
busy in and of itself does not solve the core mindset problem that
leads to neediness; it is just a means of solving the core issue of
using a relationship to fill a void.
Having a demanding job or a heavy course-load at school will
certainly keep you busy in the technical sense, but thats not the kind
of busy were referring to. When we say be busy, we mean fill your
life doing things you love and enjoy so that you find that inner joy that
comes from truly loving yourself and your life.
A lot of dating advice says that being always available is a bad
thing and it will make your value plummet. This is true in a sense, but
availability isnt really the problem. The problem is that if youre
always available, it probably means that youre not doing anything
interesting or fulfilling in your life to make yourself feel good and as a
result, your relationship is the only thing filling you. With all your eggs
in one basket, its no surprise youd become extremely needy and
dependent on the guy entertaining you hes all you have!
To prevent this from happening, take up a new hobby, spend time
with close friends, meditate, try out one of those crazy new all-the-

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rage exercise classes, do volunteer work, read the Twilight series,

feed the ducks at your local parkif it makes you happy and gives
your life meaning, do it up!
Dont Be Afraid of Losing Him
Fear is at the heart of neediness. When you enter into a new
relationship with fear in your heart, your focus wont be on what you
have, but rather, on what you stand to lose. Worrying about all the
potential ways things can fall apart will make you crazy and can
destroy your relationship. Instead, enjoy your time with that other
person for what it is; be present and in the moment. Dont allow
yourself to be consumed with the fear of being taken advantage of or
of being hurt.
At the root of a needy mindset is the fear that the guy is going
leave or that hes going to withdraw in some way. In response to that
fear, you may feel compelled to make him reassure you or prove his
feelings towards you, inevitably turning the fears you had from the
start into reality.
If you look at the relationship like a precious, once-in-a-lifetime,
fragile situation, then it's going to put you on edge from the start and
you may be emotionally triggered if something looks like it's a bad
sign. The best strategy is to treat the situation like its no big deal.
Sure, you like this person and you enjoy spending time with him, but
your life wont end if the relationship does.
It can be very difficult to be easygoing if all youre focusing on is
how perfect the other person is and how devastated you would be if
he ever left. It doesnt matter how perfect someone seems, you
have to remind yourself that while he is a good guy, and while it
would be great if things work out, you will be OK if they dont. If you
can approach the situation with this mindset you will be much more
able to act without losing yourself.

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When we put so much of our hopes, dreams, and desires all on

one person, we set ourselves up for great disappointment. We are
also creating an unbalanced relationship where one person controls
everything and gets away with it because the other person is too
afraid theyll never find better. One person isn't supposed to have
absolute power; a relationship should be a democracy, not a
dictatorship.
Keep the Infatuation in Check
The beginning of a new relationship can be a confusing time, tricking
you into seeing and feeling things that are not true. Infatuation usually
starts with the proverbial spark. You feel that tingly sensation all over,
your senses are suddenly heightened and you're experiencing
something you've never felt before.
As romantic as the idea of love at first sight may seem, it's not
reality. You cannot possibly know someone on a profound enough
level to love them after a brief encounter. You can, however, become
infatuated with them and this is where the trouble begins. We usually
become infatuated when we don't quite know how the other person
feels about us. We know we felt something strong and all-consuming
and that's enough to convince us the other person must have felt it
too, at least in some capacity. We read into the things they say and
do, looking for any signs that prove our emotions are correct and that
this is it.
This uncertainty about how the other person feels may cause you
to obsess. Suddenly, this guy goes from mortal to end-all-be-all. His
approval causes unmatched levels of exhilaration; his disapproval
sends you to the depths of despair. When the initial magic fades, you
may try to cling desperately onto anything to keep the fantasy alive.
This may result in needy behavior: asking him why he didn't call or
text, analyzing every detail of every interaction, inviting him over out
of the blue, even the dreaded drunk dial. At this point you're grasping

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at straws, desperately trying to salvage something that never was.

When we become infatuated, we lose ourselves in the object of
our desire. We don't see ourselves as we are; instead, we focus
solely on how the other person sees us. It is a cruel trap if ever there
was one.
As soon as you depend on someone else for love and approval,
you're done for. You are at his mercy and he has you under his
complete control. From there, only more problems arise. You bang
your head against the wall trying to figure out how to get him to be the
guy you hoped he would be, the one who is caring and considerate.
You try to talk to him calmly and rationally, but it doesn't get you
anywhere and the problems persist. If you're an ANM reader, this is
probably when you'll submit your first Ask a Guy question. Or, you'll
just round up your girlfriends and moan in exasperation, "I just don't
understand men!"
When you become so consumed with the approval of someone
else, you open the door for insecurity to come flooding in and without
even realizing it, you become needy. The best defense in this
situation is a strong offense. You need to know who you are and what
you want so that you can clearly recognize when youre in a situation
that you dont want. The trouble with infatuation is that it places the
other person on an undeserved pedestal. What can you do? Reclaim
that throne!
At the end of the day hes just a guy, there are plenty more of
them out there. However, there is only one of you. Remember that
and try to make the relationship you have with yourself your main
priority.
What it Looks Like
Jackie met Curtis at a party one night and they hit it off instantly,
spending most of the night chatting away. They made plans to go see

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a movie that coming Thursday, exchanged digits, and went their

separate ways. Jackie was positive shed hear from him, their
connection was so strong, how could he not call?
When she didnt hear from him after the proverbial three days, she
was a little surprised. Then when Thursday rolled around, she was
downright in disbelief. She knew he was into her, how could he not
be?! So she called him up, clearly catching him off guard, and asked
if they were still on to see a movie that night.
After an awkward phone conversation, they decided to go to
dinner instead. While Jackie was naturally curious as to why Curtis
didnt call, she didnt say a peep about it. She kept it cool, kept her
confidence in check, and radiated a vibe that let him know he was
lucky to be there with her and she did him a favor by giving him the
benefit of the doubt. About mid-way through the meal, Curtis became
suddenly solemn and said, Im really sorry I didnt call. I dont know
what I was thinking. Its been a really crazy week and I really did
mean to call. Jackie didnt even bat an eyelash, No worries at all,
Ive been there. Curtis couldnt believe how confident and secure she
was in herself and felt like the worlds biggest chump for not seeing it
to begin with. He was hooked then and there.
Calling a guy first is a very risky move and it can definitely
backfire. However, it worked in this case because Jackie was coming
from a place of confidence, not neediness. She didnt get down on
herself because he didnt call, wondering what she did wrong while
pouring over every single detail of their interaction. She assumed he
was mistaken and took the initiative to help him correct said mistake.
She didnt need him to respond to her in a certain way, she didnt
need his validation or any sort of explanation. And when she didnt
ask, she received.

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HOW TO REDEEM YOURSELF FROM NEEDY BEHAVIOR

Boy do we get a ton of questions on this one! They usually go
something like this: girl is dating a guy, things seem to be moving
along swimmingly, and then he suddenly pulls back. He either takes a
little longer to text back, acts distant when they hang out, or maybe
he goes a few days without returning a phone call. Girl may react by
hunting him down and crying or yelling or pleading to understand why
hes doing this to her. He tells her he feels suffocated and says he
needs space. Panic ensues all over again as she goes into damage
control mode, desperately wishing the iPhone had an app for hitting
the rewind button on life. Since technology has not yet found an
antidote for Needy Woman Syndrome, she tries to fix the problem by
doing her darndest to prove to him that she is not needy which
backfires and ends up reinforcing the fact that she is, thus pushing
him even further away.
Guys are quite fragile when it comes to the whole neediness issue
and some scare way easier than others. For some guys, a teeny tiny
crumb of neediness is all it takes to shoot them into panic mode.
Dont worry, your relationship is not doomed, this type of thing is
salvageable.
Dont Get Apology-Happy
When a relationship hits a glitch and neediness rears its ugly head, a
lot of women will desperately try to turn back the clock by smothering
the guy in some backwards attempt at trying to get him to forget what
happened by constantly bringing it up. This will not work for obvious
reasons.
Your immediate response to the situation may be to text him
something like, Im so sorry I acted needy, thats so not like me. I
never act like that, swear! Big mistake. Whenever you tell someone
you never do something, it usually means the opposite. Also,

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acknowledging the needy behavior does nothing to erase its

existence.
Instead, take a step back and consider the purpose of this
apology. Did you say something insulting? Did you call him mean
names? Did you hurt his feelings? Did you run over his dog? No, you
got a little (or sometimes a lot) swept away in your feelings for him
and allowed that to overtake the rational part of your brain. This
merits no apology; a non-needy person would never feel the need to
apologize for expressing herself, even if she isnt thrilled with the way
she handled the situation. Instead, she would own it and carry on with
her life and the relationship projecting the attitude that her utter
fabulous-ness is enough to outweigh any minor slip-up.
Caveat: If you called him mean names when you were freaking out
on him for disappearing or whatever he did to set you off, you can
apologize for that, but only that. Do not ever utter the word
neediness; dont even use words that start with the letter N in the
conversation. Be calm and rational and say: Im sorry I called you a
::insert expletive used::, that was out of line. Do this once and only
once, if you keep bringing it up hell keep remembering it.
Say it Through Your Actions
Remember what we said earlier about actions? Well the same
standard applies here. Rather than backtracking with your words, do
it through your actions. What will make the difference is him seeing
and feeling that you truly don't need him to be a certain way like you
once did. Show him that you are stable and happy in your own life
and while you like him, his presence or continued absence will do
nothing to change your happiness or emotional stability.
It is a common trap is to think that your behavior is what repelled
the guy, or that you tripped some imaginary wire that made him see
you as "needy" thus dooming the relationship. There's a little bit of
truth to that, but the needy behaviors are not the core problem. The

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core problem is that you don't feel like you're enough, by yourself, to
be completely and totally happy and fulfilled in your life.
You cant convince someone that you are satisfied with your life
via words. The only way to come across as a fulfilled person is to
actively create a life that is meaningful and fulfilling to you. When you
do this, you wont have to watch the things you say or do because
you will be a naturally confident, non-needy woman.
But what if he does something wrong? Do I just ignore it?
To be clear, we don't want you to be pushovers who will let a man do
and say whatever he wants for fear that calling him out will make you
appear needy.
There are certain situations where a guy goes beyond being a little
flakey and acts blatantly disrespectful. While you may really want to
give him a piece of your mind, a more effective way to correct the
behavior is to keep a cool head and show him you wont stand for
something, rather than just telling him.
If your man promised to meet you somewhere at a specific time
and then didnt, it is understandable that you would be upset (not
effective, but understandable). In a perfect world, guys would always
keep their promises if a guy isnt sure that he can keep his promise,
he shouldnt make it in the first place! It is obviously inconsiderate to
leave you hanging without a heads-up if he thinks hes going to be
late after setting a time, but choosing your reaction wisely is far more
effective than reflexively blowing up at him and becoming consumed
with blind, irrational rage.
As a general rule, do not let your emotions take overa man will
never take a woman seriously when she comes at him from a place
of emotion, hell just think shes being hormonal or that its that time
of the month. Remember, men hear actions, not words. As much as
you may want to tear his head off, dont. Or do if want to push him

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away and guarantee that he continues to disappoint you down the

line.
How To Do It Right
Lets say a guy says hes going to meet you for coffee at 3 p.m. You
arrive on time, and are waiting and waiting when suddenly 3:30 rolls
around and hes still MIA. While you might be tempted to call him and
let him know this is unacceptable and who does he think he is?!
Dont. This is a waste of time and energy and all hell hear is a needy
woman getting too emotional.
Instead, shoot a text saying something like: Hey, I don't know if
you got caught up or something, but Im here. Let me know what's
up." If you have to wait more than ten minutes after sending that,
send another text saying: "Hey Im not sure what your status is, but
I'm heading out, and then just put it out of your mind.
By doing this, you are demonstrating that you value yourself and
your time and are showing him that if he wants you in his life, he
needs to as well. By leaving after not getting a text within ten minutes
after his 30 minute unexplained lateness the subtext is, Im willing to
wait 30 minutes without explanation, Im willing to give you a polite,
benefit-of-the-doubt check-in and a ten minute window, but after that
I'm moving on. This sends a much stronger message than yelling at
him ever could.
If there is a situation where he truly disrespects you and you feel
you absolutely must speak up, do it when you are calm and clearheaded. Dont let your words get drowned out by waves of emotion.
Men dont listen to emotion; they listen to reason. Be honest,
straightforward, and direct. And keep it succinct! Men have an
incredibly short attention span, as any woman who has ever had a
conversation with a man probably knows, meaning hell probably
listen for the first ten seconds and then slowly tune you out. To make
sure he hears you loud and clear, keep it brief and to the point.

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Suggestion: If he does something you consider unacceptable, say

something along the lines of, Is this the sort of thing you usually do?
I just need to know now. This tells him that you expect more and if
he doesnt start giving it, youll leave.
CHEAT SHEET
Weve covered a lot of ground in the chapter. If you ever find yourself
in need of a quick refresher course, refer to this handy cheat sheet to
ensure you never freak a man out with neediness again.
- Dont make him the center of your attention. Its fine to be
interested, but when you blur the line between interest and
obsession, you run the risk of sending out that needy vibe. As we
learned, people are inherently repelled by neediness.
- Keep busy. If you are busy with the rest of your life, you have less
of a chance obsessing over him. Dont be busy just for the sake of
distraction though. Fill your life with fun and meaningful activities that
help you feel valuable and complete.
- Keep your mind under control. Its not easy, but guys know when
you will bend over backwards at the drop of a hat. The more you
obsess over him, the more likely it is youll repel him, so nip it in the
bud and stop letting him occupy so much space in your mind.
- Never use a relationship to fill a void for you. Live your life in a
way where it feels like enough for you to be completely full of
happiness, whether or not you're in a relationship. This will look
different for different women, but the sooner you figure it out, the
sooner you'll be a master of all your relationships.
- You can't trick a guy into thinking youre different from how
you truly are in order to attract him. You need to be that person by
living your life in that way. And the best way to live attractively is to
have a life that's so full of things you love that you wouldn't notice if
the guy reappears or not, texts back or not, and so on.

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CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A Relationship

37

CHAPTER 2: When a Seemingly Good

Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
Before you fall in love, make sure there is someone there to catch
you. Anonymous
The most common types of questions boil down to amateur detective
work on why a guy didnt do what the girl wanted him to do.
The questions take on different forms, but ultimately the pattern is
this: A girl likes a guy... he shows some kind of signal that he might
like her... a courtship of sorts ensues and things seem to be going
great, but then he starts to withdraw. As soon as this happens, the
poor girl becomes overwhelmed with self-doubt and confusion about
the guy and might start chasing him and hunting him down to get
some answerswhich causes him to withdraw even further.
The ultimate question comes down to this: "I thought he liked me,
what happened?"
We get flooded with e-mails about how some guy didnt text back
or didnt call or didnt set his Facebook status to say In a
relationship. The majority of these issues could be resolved by doing
one simple thing: backing off. When you take a few steps backward, it
gives him the space to move a few steps forward and put forth a little
more effort to win you over. Keep going and youll see what we mean.

WHY DIDNT HE TEXT BACK?

Using a guys text message habits as a litmus test for your
relationship status seems to be the norm these days (even though its
completely and utterly arbitrary, but well get to that later).
If a guy doesnt text a girl back its usually for one of the following

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reasons:
1. Hes not that into her
2. Hes busy
3. Shes being needy and he doesnt want to deal with it
4. He didnt have his phone nearby
5. Hes hanging out with another girl
First and foremost, do not try to fix the behavior with why didnt
yous (Why didnt you call? Why did you tell me you might be late?
Why didnt you text back sooner?), nothing along those lines! You
might think youre drawing a line in the sand, but he sees it as
something else entirely: neediness.
Here are a few tips to help you keep a clear head and an objective
perspective if you find yourself in this sort of situation:
Examine the Circumstance
We live in an ADD culture and when a guy doesnt text back
immediately, its most likely because hes busy. Guys tend to be
single-minded in what theyre doing and tend to focus on meeting one
objective at a time. If a guy is busy, the last thing he wants is to be
interrupted over and over again with text messages and the burden of
having to respond right away. Usually, what started out as something
innocent (him being busy) turns into unnecessary drama (you
overreacting and seeing it as a sign that the relationship is in trouble).
Before you get all riled up about his texting habits and what it
means, examine the circumstances. If he disappears when you're in
the middle of making plans and things start to get complicated (you
say youre busy this day, hes busy on that day, youre free after
eight, he can only do before seven), then he probably got distracted
somewhere along the way and is directing his attention elsewhere. It

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doesnt mean he doesnt want to see you; he was probably in the

middle of something else and planned on getting back to you when
he could focus and didnt feel the need to text further at that exact
moment since you guys were going around in circles anyway.
He may also go silent if youre having one of those texting-but-nottalking-about-anything conversations (How are you?...Good,
you?...Good, work is stressing me outSame, today has been nonstopSame here). Guys are very goal-oriented and oftentimes
theyll just get distracted and not feel the need to text further unless
its for a specific purpose.
Men are not women, shocking right? While most women can
effectively juggle a minimum of five things at a time, men have
enough trouble focusing on one thing at a time. Just because texting
while youre in the middle of a million other things comes easily to you
doesnt mean its the same for him. Women are naturally good at
multi-tasking; most men are not. Remember this and cut him some
slack when he takes longer than you would to respond.
We can never really know whats going on in someone elses
head. When it comes to this whole texting issue (and by the way,
most guys have no idea how crazy this whole texting/calling regularly
thing is for girls, none!), trying to get to the why is an exercise in
futility. A much more effective use of your time is to focus on how you
react to the situation.
The Best Reaction Is No Reaction
When you stop reacting to things automatically, you gain awareness
of the situation. You will stop getting lost in emotions that dont help
you and will gain a clearer perspective on the best way to respond (if
the situation even warrants a response). When you are unreactive,
you get to choose the best move. When you are able to see things
from a more objective standpoint, youll realize that him not texting

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you back promptly isnt that big of a deal.

Rather than getting consumed with fury when he takes a while to
respond, just shift your focus and do something else. And whatever
you do, dont wait on him. People tend to see how much they can get
away with. If youre always available to a guy, hell treat you like an
option rather than a priority. If you are selectively available and only
act as accommodating as he is to you, you will get the respect and
good behavior youre looking for.
This isnt just a guy thing, its a human thing we value only what
we have to work for. Or, put differently, we value the things that arent
guaranteed or freely available to us unless we earn them.
When trying to figure out the appropriate response to certain
situations, its helpful to think about the way you interact with your
friends. If you text one of your friends asking what shes up to that
night and dont hear back from her for a few hours, do you go into
panic mode and assume she no longer cares about you? Do you
analyze the last text you sent her, searching for hidden clues to tell
you what you did wrong? Do you feel angry and throw your hands up
with an exasperated I just dont get it!? Probably not. Chances are
you dont even notice how long she takes to answer your text. And if
you do, you probably assume shes busy or doesnt have her phone
handy.
Wouldnt life be so much easier if you could respond in the same
calm and collected manner when a guy you like takes a while to text
back? Well then there you go! The choice is up to you.

Remember, this doesnt make you a pushover or a doormat. It

makes you a confident woman who doesnt need a guy to text her
every five minutes in order to know he really cares about her.

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Assume He Likes You

If you assume he likes you, you remove the fear and the anxiety that
stems from this whole why didnt he text me back? conundrum. He
likes you. You know he does (or at least, youre doing a good job
convincing yourself he does!), so what is there to worry about?
People who assume other people like them are more likable. The
same is true for people who assume others dont like them: if you
believe you are unlikable, people will be more likely to dislike you.
Sure, it may seem a little delusional to force yourself into believing
the other person feels the way you want them to feel, but the truth is
that we do it all the time anyway. The trouble is most people
automatically assume the worst and look for signs that point to the
outcome they dont want. If youre going to make any assumptions,
you may as well go with the one that serves you instead of one that
guarantees failure.
Be Complete
One of the best things you can do is make sure that you have a full
and enjoyable life. When your life is meaningful and full of friends,
fun, and fulfillment, you wont fall into the trap of obsessing when that
next text is going to come or if he called or not; youll be too busy
enjoying the rest of your life.
If you are smothering a guy with needing him to reassure you and
text you back constantly, you will drive him away. The right move in
this situation is to back off, keep your life filled with fun and exciting
options, and give him space to put in the effort and pursue you. This
isnt being manipulative guys actually like to pursue women (to a
point) and they appreciate having the space to do so.
What It Looks Like
Marissa and Luke had been seeing each other for a few months and

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while things were going well, Marissa was growing increasingly

frustrated by Lukes texting habits.
Luke would often go MIA when they were in the middle of making
plans and while she often accommodated his flakiness, she was
getting sick of telling her friends, Oh, I cant commit to anything this
weekend because I might have plans with Luke, still waiting to hear
back She called him out on it a few times and while he would
apologize for leaving her hanging, the problem persisted.
Luke was simply a bad texter, some people are just born that way.
He didnt mean to do it; he wasnt intentionally trying to piss her off;
he just didnt have any sort of substantial motivation to change this
ingrained behavior. By waiting around for him to respond and being
so accommodating to his schedule, Marissa was perpetuating the
very problem she was so steadfastly fighting against.
Eventually, Marissa decided enough was enough. One week she
made tentative plans with Luke to do something that coming
Saturday. True to form, he didnt finalize anything and simply stopped
texting after they decided maybe well do something on Saturday.
Marissa knew if she pressed him to make a definite plan he would
just give her vague answers (I may have to work, Ill let you know,
My friend might be coming to town, not sure yet, Ill keep you
posted), so when he didnt lock down something by the end of the
week, she made other plans. That Saturday, Luke texted her at
around 5 p.m. asking what time they were meeting and was stunned
when she said she couldnt see him because she made plans with
her girlfriends.
What do you mean you have other plans? We were supposed to
do something tonight.
Well you said you might be free, but we never decided on
anything concrete, so I assumed it was a no go. So sorry for the mix

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up, have a fun night!

Luke stayed home that night twiddling his thumbs and torturing
himself with thoughts of how many guys were hitting on his girl at that
exact moment. From then on, he never left her hanging and was sure
to make definite plans in advance.
When He Goes from Texting A Lotto Nothing
There are some situations where a guy is a horrible texter from the
start (like Luke), and other cases where his texting habits slowly
disintegrate over time. In the beginning, hes a texting machine. After
a month or two, not so much. Hell text here and there, but nowhere
near his texting glory days.
The problem is not that you are doing something inherently wrong
to cause him to text less frequently. The problem is that its not
sustainable. Texting constantly isto put it bluntlya pain in the rear
for most guys.
In the beginning of a relationship, its natural for the guy to try to
win you over and to do whatever he can to keep your attention on
him. And what better way to insert himself into your mind than by
texting you throughout the day? Once things are a bit more
established, he may not feel the need to do this anymore. Also, its
not a realistic, sustainable habit to be constantly texting little
messages all day.
Guys, lovable as they can be, usually like to use the phone to
make a plan and thats it. They dont like chitchat if its not towards a
purpose; its just not how theyre wired.
A big mistake many women make is assuming the guy no longer
feels as strongly for her because he texts less frequently. Texting isnt
a barometer for the relationship. The time you spend together, and
how meaningful and enjoyable it is, counts much more than the

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amount of time that has elapsed since his last text.

Instead of counting the texts and analyzing the emoticons, put
your focus on creating a life that is fulfilling outside of the relationship
and a connection that is meaningful within the relationship.

WHY DID HE VANISH?

Now this is a frustrating situation if ever there was one. Youre seeing
a guy, you think things are rolling right along splendidly, and then
suddenly hes gone, vanished without a trace. You consider for a
moment if he might be dead or in a coma, but you notice there has
been activity on his Facebook page, so thats not it. He has just
suddenly and abruptly decided he no longer wants to see you and
youre left trying to figure out why.
At the end of the day, you dont know why and there is no way
youll be able to know for sure. And frankly, it would be a waste of
time to try and play detective. Theres no benefit to putting yourself
through that agony.
It really doesnt matter why he vanished or what, if anything, broke
the camels back. The bigger issue here is your emotional state.
Youre confused, youre worried, youre upset. Youre racking your
brain trying to pinpoint the moment it all went wrong. You examine all
the possibilities. Is it something I said? Something I did? Something I
didnt do? These emotions are all understandable when someone you
care about disappears.
The Most Likely Reason
While every situation is different, these disappearing acts usually
occur because the guy feels trapped or freaked out by the
relationship and finds it easier to just remove himself entirely instead
of looking you in the face and telling you why he doesnt want to be
with you (does anyone, guy or girl, ever really want to have that

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conversation? Yes its the more dignified approach, but its also the
more torturous!).
This sort of thing doesnt usually boil down to one particular thing
you said or did. Its probably rooted in an overall vibe that youre
conveying, and that vibe would be none other than our dear friend
neediness. If you are absolutely positive that you did not send out any
needy signals and you were as cool and confident as can be, then
he probably has a wife and kids somewhere, or maybe he did lapse
into a coma. Its always one of those three.
Guys arent anti-relationship. A guy will happily hop into a
relationship with a woman who brings out the best in him and makes
him feel great about who he is and what he has to offer. If you
communicate, even in the slightest way, that a relationship with him is
going to be some kind of life preserver or crutch for your emotional
stability, he will definitely not want to pursue a relationship with you.
His reasoning will most likely be that hes got enough problems of his
own to deal with and the last thing he needs is to take on someone
elses.
The best thing you can do is work on yourself and focus on
becoming the best version of you. Be the kind of girl that no man
would ever dream of leaving without an explanation, or leaving
period.
When a Guy Vanishes After a Great First Date
While not quite as tormenting as when a guy youve been seeing
pulls a vanishing act, a guy disappearing after an amazing first date is
equally puzzling and can do a number on your self-esteem.
There are a few possible reasons why a guy might fade into the
abyss after a seemingly wonderful first date. Either he wasnt that into
you and was just being polite throughout the date, was primarily
trying to get laid and decided not to push it any further when you

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didnt put out that night, or he didnt think you were that into him.
Possibility #1: Hes not that into you
For whatever reason, he may just not be into you. Sometimes the
chemistry just isnt there, it happens. There is also a possibility that
you came across as alarmingly eager. Interest and enthusiasm are
not the same as over-eagerness. If he feels that youre unjustifiably
eager, he may want to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.
On a first date, a guy can usually piece together whether dating
you is going to be more of a liability than a good thing for him. He
asks about yourself, he gets a sense of how much you enjoy your life
and what you do to fill your time. If you pretty much dont enjoy
anything (you dont really like your friends anymore, you dont like
your job, you dont like your lifestyle), then he is most likely going to
avoid dating you because he doesnt want to be the guy who has to
perk you up.
On the other end of the spectrum, talking endlessly about how
great your life is reeks of the same emotional baggage. Bragging
conveys that you have something to prove and that youre trying to
impress him. You dont have to tell him about how many guys hit on
you when you go out, or how your ex is still so obsessed with you, or
how you are the most important person at your job, or how you have
the coolest life anyone can imagine. If you carry yourself with
confidence, he will assume these things all on his own and then he
will be the one trying to win you over.
When you make a strong case for your awesomeness, all hell see
is your insecurities and no guy wants to deal with that. Next time you
find yourself asserting your greatness, take a step back and
remember this phrase: A rich man doesnt need to tell you hes rich.
Suggestion: A useful concept to keep in mind is the self-fulfilling
prophecythat which we believe (or fear) tends to come true when it

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is focused on earnestly. This concept can have a positive or negative

effect on a persons life, depending on whether they habitually focus
on positive outcomes or negative outcomes. If you go into a date full
of fear of rejection, you are setting yourself up to get rejected. If you
go in with confidence, truly believing this guy will be powerless
against your charm and endless virtues, then you pretty much
guarantee a second date before you even start the first one.
Possibility #2: He doesnt think youre into him
Guys can be somewhat uneasy when they first meet a woman. It
varies from guy to guy (and also depends on how many women hes
dated), but sometimes it takes a bright blinking neon sign in order for
a guy to know that a woman likes him. As guys get more experienced
with women, they generally know that their best bet is to assume the
woman is interested in them and act accordingly (respectfully, of
course). However, not all guys come from this place of internal
validation and they may look to the woman for signs that indicate
shes attracted. If she is guarded, playing hard-to-get, or just not a
very expressive type of person, he may interpret her behavior as
meaning shes not feeling him.
Here are a few things that a woman might do unconsciously
during a date that signal to a guy shes not interested:
-Texting or talking on the phone during a date. (If you genuinely have
to and youre apologetic, thats fine. Otherwise, red flag.)
-Not smiling.
-Not really participating in the conversation. He talks and you respond
with something minimal in an indifferent tone.
-Actively showing disinterest in talking to him paying attention to
other things happening in the room, checking the time, checking for
the waiter to hurry up and bring the bill.

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Confusing Situation Decoded

You go on a date with a guy who not only seemed really interested,
but actually said, Im really into youand never hear from him again
(or worse, receive an e-mail from him apologizing and saying he
didnt feel a spark). You feel utterly confused by this, especially
since he poured it on so thick, telling you how beautiful/amazing
/smart/incredible/fabulous you are and even ending the date with a
passionate kiss. No spark?!
The most likely explanation here is that during the date, the guy,
for whatever reason, decided that you werent the kind of girl he could
see himself with. However, he still finds you sexy and his feelings of
attraction may overpower the logical side of his brain, hence the
sweet nothings. To put it bluntly, he'd be up for having sex with you,
but not into having a boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship with you
(which is what he believes you want).
This scenario is one of the main reasons women are warned so
heavily against sleeping with a guy on the first date. If you sleep with
this kind of guy, hell never call again and if you dont sleep with him,
hell also (most likely) never call again. The moral of the story? Ignore
the kisses and compliments and hone in on the actual person.
Cheat Sheet
On a first date, its always best to show interest without seeming over
eager. If it sounds confusing, here are some quick tips to get it right:
Do: Listen to him, make eye contact, keep your phone tucked away
(and if you must check it, do so when you take a bathroom break),
ask questions, smile, laugh when he says something funny (or
something he thinks is funny), find subtle ways to touch him.
Dont: Hang on every single word like a love struck Romeo, agree
with everything he says even if you dont actually agree, brag about

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yourself, complain about your life, talk about your exes, ask when
youre going to see him again, ask him what hes looking for
relationship-wise, be too aggressive, throw yourself at him.
When A Guy Vanishes Before A Great First Date
You meet a guymaybe its at a bar, a coffee shop, bookstore,
wherever, and it just clicks. You talk about hanging out sometime,
swap digits, he says hell calland he never does. Now youre really
flippin confused. How can he dump you before taking you out on one
stinkin date?
This premature vanishing act can occur for a million reasons. You
never really know with strangers; he might be married with kids or a
serial killer on the loose. He may have chickened out or maybe he
forgot about you (this is usually the case if you met at a dark bar
during the wee hours).
You can never really know with absolute certainty why a guy never
called, but we can give you helpful pointers to up your odds and help
you become more call-able.
The best way to pique a mans interest is to be confident, open,
friendly, and able to hold your own in a conversation. Talk to him like
you already know him (as opposed to awkward, interview-like, stilted
bar conversation). This establishes a connection and comfort level
and reduces the risk of him chickening out on making the phone call.
Here are a few more handy pointers:
1. Have him picture you hanging out together
This is a great psychological trick. When youre talking to a guy that
youre digging, try to maneuver the conversation toward things you
two could do together. Most importantly, get him to picture doing
whatever this thing is together with you. It doesnt matter what it is
cooking, grocery shopping, rock climbing, playing Wii Tennis. If he is

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able to picture the two of you having fun hanging out in the future, it is
much more likely to happen.
Having someone picture hanging out with you in the future and
having fun makes them feel comfortable with the idea, like its already
happened. Remember, dont force things along (unless youre
incredibly skillful in conversation), just work it in naturally and gently.
2. Dont be afraid to be challenging and/or tease him a bit
Most men would agree that the women who make the biggest
impression are the ones who challenge them in some way.
Sometimes theyre challenging by teasing a bit. Sometimes theyre
challenging by not going along with everything hes
saying. Sometimes theyre challenging by calling him out on his b.s.
When a woman is challenging, in addition to being interesting and
fun, its an irresistible combination. Being challenging without any
other qualities, however, is just plain annoying. When you can mix in
a little bit of challenge in addition to your normal charming disposition,
youll find that a little push goes a long way.
A lot of women misinterpret this to mean being difficult, bitchy, or
contrarian. That is not what we recommend. The simple trick here is
to act like a complete equal who can expand and deepen his
experience of life because you don't just go along with everything he
says and everything he does. If you do agree with him or want to go
along with him on something, by all means do! It would be silly to put
up static against what you do want.
Dont be afraid to voice your true feelings and true opinions for fear
that the guy will reject you. In reality, this kind of honesty will only
deepen your relationship with him (and his respect and attraction
towards you).
3. Enjoy the conversation for what it is

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Girls who have experienced this sort of disappearing act many times
before may end up developing a complex around it, telling
themselves things like, All the guys I actually like never call me back
or, Guys never call me, what am I doing to scare them away? This
automatically poisons their interactions with men because they will be
coming from a place of fear and, you guessed it, neediness.
If you go into a conversation fearing that a guy wont do something
that you want him to do, you are bringing neediness into the
interaction. That is, you need him to act a certain way otherwise youll
feel worried/upset/sad/insecure.
Neediness is one of those vibes that just repels people, even if it
doesnt manifest in an outwardly obvious way. Neediness from a guy
is just as repulsive to a girl as neediness from a girl is to a guy. Think
about the guys who go out of their way to impress you before they
even really know you. Does this make you feel special? Probably not,
it probably creeps you out.
So whats the solution? Enjoy the conversation for what it is. Put
your best self forward and if you like him, try to set the stage for a
date.
4. Assume hes going to call
No matter what, assume hes going to call from the start of the
interaction and stick to that assumption! Dont try to get him to give
you this assurance by saying something desperate like, Are you sure
youre gonna call? You promise? You pinky promise?" And dont
think youre being stealthy by hiding your desperation under a cloak
of flirtation with something like, I bet you always hit on girls and say
youll call you sneaky little stud you.
No matter how you phrase it, if you try to get some sort of
guarantee that hes going to call, youre telling him that youre
insecure and dont think youre good enough for him to call. If you

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dont think that about yourself, why should he?

5. Let it be
Once youve done all that thats it. Women set the stage for future
heartache (and a whopping headache) when they analyze and
obsess over the details. If you dont hear from him and you did
everything we mentioned above, then there were extenuating
circumstances that had nothing to do with you (the wife, the kids, the
cops on his tail).
Your only option at this point is to take a step back and swallow a
giant chill pill. Maybe do some yoga, practice meditating, hang out
with friends, any distraction is good because the thinking and
obsessing will only cause more problems down the road.

WHEN A GUY ACTS DISTANT AND WITHDRAWS

Before a guy vanishes, there is often a period of withdrawal. Only he
doesnt seem to experience any withdrawal symptoms. No those are
reserved for you (nausea, stomach pains, anxiety, sweaty palms,
insomnia). Yes, as he withdraws, you go further into withdrawal. You
are a junkie and he is slowly weaning you off the drug known on the
streets as Him.
This is a critical time when the fate of your relationship is almost
entirely under your control.
When a guy pulls back, the curtains open, the spotlight is on and
its shining right down on you. How you react tells him exactly who
you are and what kind of girl you will be in a relationship. It might not
be true, but it feels pretty darn true to him so hell back off, more and
more.
The way you react to him pulling away speaks volumes and is the
deciding vote in whether or not this relationship will survive. You are

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down to your final question and your lifelines have all been used up.
Are you sure you want to choose that reaction?
Now to be clear, we do not advocate intentionally manipulating
your behavior for the sole purpose of getting the guy, thats just
neediness all dressed up. No, if youre going to survive this inevitable
relationship hurdle, you need to genuinely be in the right place
emotionally.
When a guy starts to pull away, a lot of women hit the rewind
button in their minds and think back to a happier timethe beginning.
He liked me so much at first, I dont get it! He told me I was beautiful,
that he had never ever met anyone like me, that I was the most
magnificent creature to ever walk the earth. Why is he doing this?!
Why???!!!
Were gonna get to all of that, but first lets talk about the things
guys say in the beginning of a relationship because this really seems
to trip up most women.
But he was so sweet in the beginning, was it a lie?
When a guy says things like, Ive never liked a girl so much so soon,
or texts you saying he misses you when you barely know each other,
he is not making a declaration of everlasting, undying love for you. He
is just saying that at that moment, he feels good about you. However,
all emotions are subject to change. Statements like this should be
enjoyed, but taken with a grain of salt and not treated as milestones
or markers of the quality of your relationship. Not in the beginning, at
least.
The things a guy says in the early stages of a relationship are also
often rooted in his own insecurity. That may be hard to believe, but
its true. He doesnt know whether or not you actually like him or if
you are attracted to him, so he may throw things out there just to see
how you respond and to get a read on the relationship potential.

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Everyone wants to be liked; its a great feeling for both guys and girls.
However, its important to keep in mind that all that mushy stuff he
piles on in the beginning is primarily his way of hooking you in and
seeing where you stand, not necessarily his way of expressing his
feelings.
Its not that he doesnt feel anything for you or that he wont feel
anything for you, but at this early phase, its all just poetry. It will be
real when both of you are convinced that you like each other and you
are both able to drop your guards and get to know each other on a
more real and personal level, one that doesnt involve reading the
proverbial signs.
When he feels that there is a real connection between the two of
you, when he knows that you like him back and you both enjoy your
time together, that is when things will take on a more meaningful
shape.
When the Sweet Talk Stops
Hes being all sweet and its working, you start to really like him and
then theres a palpable shift. This is usually the point where the guy
realizes that you really like him, he has you, and he doesnt have to
worry whether or not he could lose you anymore. Things are probably
starting to get comfortableyou make plans regularly, youre in
contact more frequently, and a relationship seems just around the
corner.
While you might start getting really excited by this prospect, this
particular guy has probably gotten freaked out. At this point, hes
afraid everything he said in the beginning led you to believe that you
guys are a couple. As a reaction to this fear, he may start acting out
to show you that this is not the case. He cancels plans, he goes MIA
for days at a time, he acts distant when you guys do speak or hang
out. You feel overwhelmed by confusion and yearn for things to go

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back to the way they were.

At the root of it, the same sense of insecurity that made him
obsessed with finding out if you like him is now scaring him into
thinking that youre going to take his freedom away. This is a guy
thing; he might be completely faithful to you in every way, but he still
wants to feel like he can do whatever he wants. What may seem like
a sudden loss of interest is really just his way of holding onto his
freedom. It doesnt mean hes not into you anymore; the reason hell
send those sweet texts from time to time is to make sure you know
hes still interested. His behavior is really his way of trying to slow
things down. The way you respond determines whether they ever
pick back up.
The Freak Out Phase
The Freak Out Phase usually occurs after a relationship hits some
sort of milestone. This can be something substantial, like becoming
official, or something subtle, like a sense that the relationship is
deepening. As soon as this happens, an alarm bell may go off in a
mans mind, scaring him into thinking that hes about to lose his
freedom and independence. As a reaction, he may withdraw a bit.
The way you respond during this time is critical.
If you start getting on his case (Why didnt you call? Where have
you been? Why are you being so shady?), he will start to feel trapped
and suffocated and will pull away even more. If you keep badgering
him, he will no longer see you as a prize he needs to win over, he will
see you as a desperate and clingy pest.
When you take his actions personally and assume hes
withdrawing because of something you said or did, you will start
acting all needy and insecure, suffocating the guy with your fears and
concerns. When this happens, his mind goes, SEE!! I told you you're
losing your freedom! Look at how she's all on top of you now! Not

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giving you even an ounce of space or freedom for yourself! Run

Forrest, run!
When a guy asks for space, this is what usually happens:
1. Guy, for whatever reason, feels emotionally unbalanced. This
could stem from feeling pressured, fear of commitment, or any
number of reasons, but something is causing him to feel a little
freaked.
2. Guy feels he needs to handle his issue and thinks that having girl
around will make it much harder for him to figure things out.
3. Guy tells girl he needs space.
4. Girl gives him space, but then starts thinking about what she could
have done wrong and tries to figure out what sparked this sudden
need for space.
5. Girls thinking quickly becomes coated with tremendous insecurity,
fear of abandonment, jealousy, a feeling that she screwed up
somehow, or that she wasnt good enough.
6. Girl works herself into such an emotional wreck that she cant help
herself from contacting the guy, hoping to receive reassurance or
validation while trying to force things to go back to the way they were
pre-freak-out.
7. Guy feels pressured and interrupted, which makes him more
emotionally unstable and makes it harder to handle his issues.
8. Guy pulls back further, girl sees this as further confirmation that
everything she was fearing is true.

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9. Cycle continues, repeat steps 7, 8 and 9 indefinitely.

A guy can withdraw for any number of reasons and it isnt a
phenomenon exclusive to the early stages of a relationship. Guys
may also take a step back when they feel that something is wrong in
the relationship and they want to get a handle on how they feel about
it on their own. What they dont want is someone hounding them to
explain their feelings and actions, especially since theyre not clear on
these things themselves.
Or maybe theres nothing going on upstairs and hes just testing
the waters before he emotionally invests himself further
The Testing Phase
What many people refer to as the Testing Phase is actually more
like the guy showing his true self to see how you will react phase.
Realistically, a guy isnt always going to act the way he did in the very
beginning. In the beginning, hes trying to win you over. He calls you
every day, he takes you out to nice places, and when hes with you
his focus is fully on you. However, this cant go on forever. There will
be times when he cant constantly check in and eventually, hes going
to have to devote energy and effort to areas in his life outside of you.
What may feel like a test or a withdrawal is often just him being his
normal self. The way you respond is vital if you want the relationship
to live to see another day. If you instantly pounce on him when he
takes a while to text back, he may see it as a taste of worse things to
come, of more constant questions, of more demands he has to fulfill,
and he will head for the hills. If you freak out when he turns his head
to look at a pretty girl or if he has a conversation with a female other
than you, hell see you as insecure (and a little crazy) and there is
nothing that turns a man off faster than that (actually neediness can,
but neediness and insecurity go hand in hand).

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The best way for a guy to determine if he wants to be with a

particular woman is to see how she reacts when she doesnt get what
she wants. Think about it, its easy to be with a woman when shes
happy and when youre doing everything she wants. But thats not
always possible; every man knows that sooner or later the woman is
going to be unhappy with something he says or does. For a man, its
better to know how shell react to these things before he gets in too
deep.
When a guy tests you, hes really looking to see how secure you
are and how well you can handle yourself and your emotions. If you
lose control, you will confirm his preconceived notion that all women
are crazy and too emotional. Keep your cool and handle yourself with
dignity and he will think he has finally found the diamond in the rough.
At last! A woman who will let me breathe! Im hanging onto this one
and never letting go!
It may seem childish or unfair, but before you rage against the
whole system, remember that women also have their way of testing
men. We may complain about it, but when you get to the heart of it,
testing is a good thing. Testing is how we protect ourselves from
long-term heartache and eventual heartbreak.
If a girl is too insecure to handle having to wait for a text or her guy
glancing over at another woman, then she's really not ready for a
long-term relationship anyway, plain and simple.
An Important Clarification on Testing
Many women hear about men "testing" women in relationship and get
this idea that men are intentionally doing and saying things to test a
woman's response. This is not the case. Men dont seek out ways to
cause drama and promote game playing. A man's ideal world is a
world with no drama and no problems.
The reality is that men are just going along being themselves and

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when a girl reacts with drama and turmoil, they notice it. Men can't
help but take note and remember these things. Guys are typically
pretty understanding; they understand that everyone has the
occasional bad day. But when they see a pattern of drama,
neediness, or insecurity, it becomes a huge red flag. This is all picked
up subconsciously; it's not that men are intentionally testing women,
it's just that men can't help but pick up on, and remember, bad
reactions.
The Post-Coital Test
The way you behave after you sleep with a guy for the first time is the
biggest test of all, so if you want this relationship to work, you best
not screw it up!
After you sleep with a guy, he will often assume that youre going
to get attached and want to be his girlfriend, like, yesterday. It's a
powerful stereotype that isn't going anywhere anytime soon, sorry.
Again, it comes down to being cool, collected, and confident. Do
not start having visions of the future; stop planning those couples
vacations in your mind; stop thinking of all the fun things you and your
new boyfriend are gonna do. Why stop? Because he's not your
boyfriend yet!
If you guys are official before you seal the deal in the biblical
sense, then just move along at the same pace as before. Dont
assume everything is different now because in his mind it isnt, hes
just so terrified that it is in your mind. After you sleep with a guy for
the first time, he turns into a teeny tiny mouse; even the slightest
most minute thing can send him scurrying off to vanish into the
nearest hiding place until its safe to come out.
Remember, play it cool. Act as if everything is the same and do
not press him for any sort of reassurance. If he backs off, do not freak
out. He did not use you, he wasnt only looking to get laid, he isnt

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backing off because he no longer cares. Pulling back a bit might not
even be a conscious decision on his part, it may be a manifestation of
societys notion that all women turn into clingy crazies after they do
the deed and he might unconsciously be trying to see if its true. Keep
your cool and he will know youre a keeper.
Just to clarify, a relationship certainly can deepen after sex,
especially if you wait until youve established a solid connection with
your partner. It really varies from one couple to the next, but for all
intents and purposes, its best to not over-dramatize things and keep
moving along at the same pace. If there has been a real shift in the
dynamic of the relationship, you will both feel it and the level of
commitment and intimacy will intensify organically.
The Proof is in the Science
A study conducted on a college campus to understand gender
preferences when it comes to dating versus casual hookups can
better elucidate how men and women typically react after getting
physical. Overall, researchers found that men and women prefer
traditional dating over random hookups and both genders were in
accord on the benefits and risks of dating and hooking up.
However, there were some notable differences:
Women more than men seem to want a relationship. Women
fear, both in dating and hooking up, that they will become
emotionally attached to a partner who is not interested in them.
Men more than women seem to value independence. Men fear
that even in hooking-up relationships, which are supposed to be
free of commitments, a woman might seek to establish a
relationship.
Fun Fact: The fears men have about women wanting a relationship

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right away arent fully unwarranted. There are biological reasons why
women become more emotionally attached to their lovers than men
do. Studies conducted to better understand romantic attachment
discovered that orgasms cause both oxytocin and vasopressin to be
released from the hypothalamus (the part of the brain that is
responsible for pleasure and mating).
Although the two neuropeptides associated with continued
attachment are secreted in both men and women, oxytocin and
vasopressin have a stronger influence on women. What this means is
women, much more than men, will get that warm and fuzzy feeling
and feel a deep connection to their partner as a result. If you notice
your feelings for him have suddenly changed while in a state of postcoital bliss, remember that this connection you feel is just an
illusion, or rather, the crafty work of some feel-good hormones!
How to Get Through the Tests and Freak Outs
Surviving the Freak Out or Testing phases is pretty simple: just
play it cool.
Guys want to keep the drama in their lives to a minimum. When a
girl starts making a guys life more uncomfortable, less fun, less
enjoyable than before, hell try to get away from her as quickly as
possible. You dont want to be the crazy lady hes running away from,
you want to be the awesome girl he cant stop himself from moving
closer to, and you can be!
There is nothing more appealing than a confident, happy, selffulfilled woman. Ask any guy and hell agree that this sort of a woman
is the ultimate dream girl. Unfortunately, such a woman can be very
hard to find. This is why it is so unbelievably important to find
happiness within yourself before you jump into a relationship. If a guy
knows that you dont need him in order to be happy, he wont be
afraid that being with you will mark the end of his days as a free man.

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If he sees that you have your own life and enjoy doing your own
thing, hell know that you wont cause a fuss if he does the same.
Remember, a guy is only as invested in you as the effort he puts
into the relationship. If hes not putting forth effort, hes not investing
in the relationship. So dont try to push him to do anything live your
life and give him the space to come to you. If he does, great, hes
further invested. If he doesnt, well as they say, there are plenty more
fish in the sea. Either way, thats much better than pushing on him,
him pulling away, and you smothering the life out of the relationship.
The results can be pretty astounding. If you just back off a bit and
let it be, he will suddenly go from mixed-signal-sending-jerk to knight
in shining armor. If you dont believe us, give it a try.

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CHAPTER 3: When You Don't Know How

He Feels About You...
You cannot make someone love you. You can only make yourself
someone who can be loved.- Derek Gamba
The whole "does he like me?" issue tends to get either unnecessarily
complicated (look for the signs!) or overly simplified (he's just not that
into you). However, there is a lot of middle ground in between these
two universal answers. It isn't always as simple as he loves you, he
loves you not, nor is it so complicated that you and your girlfriends
need to put on your surgical masks and slice into the relationship,
dissecting every minute detail, placing it under the microscope and
offering a minimum of 20 different theories as to what each particular
action could potentially mean.
Lets make life a little easier and less labor-intensive, shall we?

HOW TO KNOW IF A GUY LIKES YOU

He says he likes you, acts like he doesnt. Then he acts like he does,
but says something that makes you think he doesnt. Its a maddening
guessing game that can drive you absolutely madif you let it.
Assume He Does
As we mentioned in the previous chapter, believing someone likes
you can have a powerful impact on how they feel about you. If you
cant tell whether or not he likes you, your best bet is to strongly
assume that he does. Thoughts have a funny way of becoming a
reality; if you come into the situation already believing something to
be true, reality will usually align with your version of the story. So
save yourself the effort of trying to solve the mystery and assume that

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things are the way you want them to be. At the heart of it, thats what
confidence is about.
An Adelphi University study on social interactions and likeability
found that study subjects who believed others liked themregardless
of whether it was truemade others more likely to return the
sentiment. How does this work? Those who believed others liked
them projected more warmth and intimacy, so the people they spoke
with did too, leading to a fulfilling conversation for both people.
Unfortunately, most people assume the worst and it stings them
hard. It makes them worried, fearful, and insecure. You may think that
the only way to get rid of this awful feeling of insecurity is to put
yourself out there by trying to get your guy to reassure you of his
feelings or by blaming him for "making" you feel this way.
These are all huge mistakes because:
a) They show him that you are desperately needy for his approval.
b) They show him that you can't handle your own emotions and
blame him for your emotional responses.
c) You're giving him total control over your emotions when the
only person that can truly address your emotional insecurities is
you.
Worrying what the other person is thinking or feeling gives them
complete control and turns them into the prize that you are trying to
win over. Also, if you get caught up in how he feels about you, you
are no longer focusing on how you feel about him. This is the stuff
toxic relationships are made of. Its also the sort of thing that can
cause you to wake up one day and realize you sold yourself short.
Instead, put your focus on really liking yourself and believing that
the types of guys you like also like you. The more you like yourself

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and believe that you can have what you want, the more likely it is that
you actually will.
Signs He Likes You
For those who want something a little more tangible, here are a few
questions to ask to determine if a guy likes you:
Does he start conversations with you?
Does he ask you things that he doesnt necessarily need to ask
you? Questions he could ask anyone
Does he look at you or check you out?
Does he ever find ways to accidentally touch you?
Does he tease you?
Have you ever heard of him asking anyone else about you or
bringing you up to someone else?
Does he act differently when he knows youre around?
Does he ask you a lot of questions? (This is him trying to get to
know you better. When we like someone, we can never get
enough!)
If the answer is yes to any of the above, but youre still not totally
sure where he stands, try initiating contact once or twice. If he doesnt
pick up on it or doesnt take things a step further, hes probably not
interested and you can move on to someone who is.
It is also important to note that guys measure the quality of their
relationships by the quality of the time spent with that other person.
It's not about the texts or the gifts or the pet names. Women fall into a
trap by placing so much value on these things that dont really mean
a thing. Bring your best self to the table, not a self that is shrouded by

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insecurity or pretense, and you will have more meaningful

interactions that will invariably have him clicking the like button on
you.
How To Show Him You Like Him (Without Scaring Him Away)
When a guy starts acting a little flakey, women tend to assume one of
two things: hes not that into her or he thinks shes not that into him. I
was rude on the phone so he probably thinks I dont like him
anymore. I told him I couldnt hang out the last TWO times he asked,
hes never gonna ask me out again because he thinks I dont like him!
Women will find all sorts of reasons to explain a behavior away,
preferably ones that preserve their self-esteem (Its nothing I did, its
that I didnt do enough! Thats it!). She may then overcompensate by
sending stronger signals to the guy, which ultimately scares him away
since he never doubted she was into him to begin with.
This fear about doing something that will make him think you dont
like him is baffling because, if anything, you doing something that
makes him think you dont like him will only make him want to pursue
you more! Letting someone know that you're interested isn't a turn on,
letting them wonder is.
If he knows where you stand, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that
knowledge will stay on the backburner. If he isnt quite sure exactly
how deep your level of interest goes, he will think about it constantly.
Then, he will be the one analyzing the text messages and replaying
the last interaction over and over, looking at all the little things you
said or did that may indicate youre into him. It will drive him crazy (in
a good way) that he cant quite pinpoint you and, as a result of all this
ruminating, he will come to like you even more.
However, there are definitely cases when a girl unintentionally
sends not interested signals. While most guys wont be deterred by
it, there are insecure guys out there who will. To erase any lingering

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confusion, the following tips will ensure that your signals arent getting
lost in translation.
1. Smile. A smile is sexy, inviting, and incredibly alluring to guys. Its
really sad these days that magazines, movies and the modeling
industry push the idea that looking pissed off is sexy. Its not. It repels
guys in real life. Dont try to look like some cold and detached model,
unless the message youre trying to send is stay away. This is not
sexy and its not attractive, so dont do it! If you dont believe us, go
on hotornot.com or facethejury.com and post two pictures of yourself
one with a straight or model stone-face look and one with a nice
smile. We guarantee that the smile picture will score much higher.
2. Look your best. Guys respond to it, thats a no brainer. Its not to
say that guys only care about looks, but its a definite factor. Working
out will give you a positive glow, inside and out, so try to incorporate
that into your life. You will look and feel better both of which are
important. Also, if you put in a little extra effort to look nice, hell
notice and it will make him feel special. But do it on your terms. Dont
go overboard and dont wear anything with the sole intention of
getting his attention. Wear something that makes you feel confident
and sexy (this can be something that doesnt show any skin at all).
Whatever you wear, wear it confidently; there is nothing more
awkward than a girl wearing clothes shes uncomfortable in.
3. Tease him a bit in a fun way if you can make it work with your
personality. Teasing is not for everyone, but if you can incorporate it
into your demeanor while still coming across as a nice girl, you can
usually stir up a guy in a good way.
Guys like a little challenge to wake them up just dont go
overboard. What does good teasing look like? In a nutshell, its
pushing on areas where you know hes strong and can take a joke. If
hes good at something, you can tease him about it in a fun way. If
hes bad at something, dont tease him about it. Simple enough.

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4. Balance your pushes and pulls. Its a fundamental truth about

human nature that we value what we have to work for. In the
beginning stages of dating or attracting a man, it can help spark
chemistry if you mix signs of interest with signs of not being
interested. Whats a good way to do this that feels good to him and
inspires him to be interested without being manipulative? Tease a
little bit, reward when he pursues you by showing signs of interest
back towards him, and dont put in more effort than he does. That
way, if hes doing exactly what you want, youre not punishing his
good behavior, and if hes not doing what you want, youre not
driving yourself crazy. Again, dont get carried away with this because
it is quite powerful and it will backfire if you go too far.
If you do any of these things and he doesnt respond or react, hes
not interested. Rejection is never fun, but hey, at least this time you
didnt beat yourself up thinking back to all the things you said or did
that may have made it seem like you werent interested.

HOW TO KNOW IF HE LOVES YOU

He loves mehe loves me not. If only the answer could be found by
plucking petals off a daisy.
Love can cause almost as much confusion as Like. No woman
wants to waste her time in a dead-end relationship. Once a
relationship gets to a certain point, its only natural to wonder if your
partners feelings have transformed from like to love, but how can you
know for sure?
Heres the thing about men: they love through action, not through
words, so getting discouraged with what he isnt saying is a waste of
time.
Why Guys Say Those Three Little Words
The reason guys say I love you to a woman is because they know it

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matters to her. Men know that saying it, to some extent, is a

demonstration of their commitment. Most men look at what they say
as a sort of promise or commitment, even if its an emotionally based
discussion. So saying what seems like three little words can actually
feel like a huge risk, promise, or commitment to a guy. The risk factor
also stems from the fact that guys generally do not deal well with the
possibility of rejection, especially rejection in a moment of
vulnerability.
Its also important to note that love carries different levels of
significance for different guys.
Some men view it almost as a lifelong commitment to the
woman. It doesnt necessarily mean he has to marry her, but it means
that she has a special place in his heart and he will always have
special feelings for her no matter how the relationship unfolds. When
he says those words, it means that he is promising to be there for her
and be good to her and if he is unable to do these things, he will
suffer as well. It is a promise to stick with her even if it gets really
difficult for him, either because hes dealing with other burdens in his
life or because shes acting difficult.
Other guys may take it a step further, viewing it as a singleminded commitment to a lifelong partnership. In other words, to say
they love you is to say that you are the one. And then there are
guys who view love as a casual thing that can change with the
seasons. Love to them means they intensely desire you and want you
aroundfor the time being anyway.
There is no set standard for what love is. It can mean different
things to men at different points in their life.
The majority of men view saying I love you as a big deal in terms
of their commitment to the relationship. And some men might feel
love and love you for a long time before they actually feel ready to

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come out and say it.

How Men Show Their Love
Short of coming right out and asking, how do you know if your guy
has been bitten by the love bug?
There are all sorts of conventional images of men showing love
through giving giftsroses, chocolates, stuffed animals, cards,
jewelry, but these are not necessarily signs of love. These could very
well just be customs he feels obligated to fulfill because hes in a
relationship.
There is one gift that is an excellent gauge of his love for you: his
time.
When a man spends more time with you and less with his family
and friends, this is a very clear sign that he loves you. He is choosing
to be with you over all of the other things he could be doing and
people he could be spending time with. And hes doing it on his own
volition, not because of force, guilt, or manipulation.
There are other gifts that a man gives to show his love that may
be more subtle. When a man stands up for you during a difficult
situation, attends functions that are important to you, considers you
first when planning his schedule, goes with you to see your family or
does little jobs/chores for you, he is demonstrating his love for you. In
fact, when a man is doing these things, he figures you know and
understand that it means he loves you. Unfortunately, the message
does not always come across that way, especially if you fixate solely
on hearing that magical four-letter word rather than experiencing what
it truly means.
One of the most significant gifts a man gives is himself. When a
man is open, giving, and affectionate with you, it is usually his way of
expressing love. When he loves you, he will want to share his life with

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you. He will let you in and share his inner thoughts, feelings, hopes,
goals, and all the other privileged files that no one else has access to.
One very clear sign that he is letting you in deeply is if he shows
you a level of vulnerability. When a man shares his private feelings
on a matter that he wouldnt readily share with others, he is letting
you in. When tells you about an emotionally difficult time in his life
(past or present), he is letting you in. When he tells you his thoughts
and perspectives on things happening in his life, he is letting you in.
When he does this, he expects you to understand that hes
sharing himself with you because he loves you and you are special to
him. You have been given the highest clearance code into the vault
that is his true self and this alone says more than any words can. At
least it does to him.
Introductions are also a major sign as to where you might stand on
the love-barometer (so to speak). When a man introduces you to his
closest friends and family, the people he loves the most in the world,
it is a very strong indicator that he considers you among them in his
heart. He is proud of you and wants to share you with the people he
loves the most in the hope that you will fit in among all of them.
Lastly, love is in the details. Any man can go out and buy you a
dozen roses, a man in love will buy you your favorite flowers, in your
favorite color, and hell make sure the florist wraps them in that
sparkly paper that you love (even though everyone else thinks its
tacky). He will go to 20 flower shops if he cant track down the right
flower in the right color, even though he knows youd still be thrilled
with plain old roses, because he is that invested in you and he is that
committed to making you happy. If he truly loves you, hell remember
all the details and while it would be nice to hear the words, it isnt
necessary.

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HOW TO KNOW IF HES PLAYING YOU AND/OR JUST

WANTS SEX
Its no surprise that so many women get paranoid that their guy is just
using them considering how forcefully society hammers in the idea
that all men are sex-crazed maniacs with only one thing on the brain.
It seems that one of the core issues women have is that they
assume the guy has some kind of bad intent and then get angry and
hysterical about it. The most effective type of woman is one who
adopts a set of beliefs about men and relationships that don't have
her imagining bad intentions or believing her fears are reality. She
doesnt allow herself to be consumed by paranoia and isnt on the
lookout for signs that prove every bad thing she has heard about men
is true.
Squash the Fear
The fears many women have do come from a real place. The idea
that someone could want you only for sex is a scary concept. Nobody
wants to feel taken advantage of and have their genuine feelings
betrayed so another person can get what they want.
If you ask yourself whether or not youre being used for sex, it will
immediately put you on the defensive and fill you with fears. Its very
important that you ask yourself questions that empower you because
it will keep you clear-headed and able to see the situation for what it
really is (versus drowning in irrational fears of what it could be).
Nobody can do that for you, you have to make the decision to do it on
your own and take that responsibility.
Men are not the bad guys. At the end of the day, were all human.
We have desires and we arent always able to regulate them. Instead
of looking at men like sex-crazed deviants, try to realize that while
sex can be an incentive, it isnt the entire picture and it isnt his sole

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motivation in pursuing you. It is only when you value yourself as

something way beyond a sex object that men will treat you as such.
It can be difficult to maintain an objective perspective, especially if
you have deeply rooted insecurities or have been burned in the past.
However, its essential to keep your fears and emotions in check if
you want your relationship to survive and thrive.
Getting Out of the Physical Zone
Oftentimes, a genuine relationship can devolve into a purely physical
thing. This is a tricky situation because the guy has essentially scored
the perfect deal he gets the benefits of having a girlfriend
(consistent sex) without the obligations (considering the needs of
someone other than himself). If his idea of a date has turned into you
going over to his place, then you are in the booty call zone.
Fortunately, it is possible to move beyond this hazy area and into an
actual relationship (if thats what you want).
First, you have to bring in more than just a booty call; you need to
bring in a deeper level of interaction and connection. If you can spend
quality time together that doesn't involve having sex or you servicing
him in some other way, then you've got a shot. Most women botch
the booty-call-turned-relationship operation by straight up asking a
guy if theres a chance for a relationship without ever having done
anything that resembles a relationship... other than sex and maybe
cooking him food.
Remember, guys hear actions, not words. If you make an effort to
spend more quality time together, then entering into an actual
relationship will seem like a natural next step. If you bring it up
seemingly out of the blue, then it just sounds like crazy talk to a guy
and he will try with all his might to keep things exactly as they are.
This may sound selfish, but think about it: why would a guy enter
into a relationship if nothing about your interaction resembles a

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relationship other than sex and service? In a guys mind, a girlfriend

is someone who they love spending quality time with and a
relationship is not some quid-pro-quo exchange of sex and food for
traditional dinner dates and jewelry.
Above all, do not ask him if hes using you for sex. First, this
makes you seem insecure and needy, a confident woman would
never assume a guy was just using her. Also, what guy in his right
mind would answer yes to that question? Yup, totally using you for
sex. Sorry I wasnt more clear about that! Dont think so. He will
respond by assuring you that this isnt the case, but you will still be
dubious which will cause you to seek further assurance and on and
on the cycle will go until he ultimately decides to forfeit the game.
When to Sleep With a Guy
This question can get quite murky. Do you wait the obligatory three
dates? Wait until youre an official couple? Wait until he says or
proves he really likes you?
Look, we dont want to preach. If you want to have casual, no
strings sex then do your thing (just be safe!). But if you want a real
relationship, you need to establish a firm set of standards and a solid
connection with the guy before any clothes start coming off. Sex is
the ultimate way to connect physically, but before you go there, you
need to make sure the relationship has an emotional connection to
stand on.
Guys do make judgments about a girl based on what it takes to
get her to hook up with him. When you give in quickly, he doesnt
think to himself, Wow, I must really be a stud if she caved so
quickly! He thinks, Wow, this girl must really get around if shes
willing to have sex so soon. Whatever, Ill take it!
If you sleep with a guy who has barely shown any interest in you,
what makes you think hes going to put in any additional effort,

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especially if he knows he can get laid regardless? Guys are all about
saving energy (call it laziness if you will). If they dont have to put
forth the energy or effort to get sex, they wont. They will save it for a
girl who actually challenges them and will just have sex with you in
the meantime.
The But We Didnt Go All the Way Defense
Let us be clear about something: having a sleepover and giving him a
taste of the merchandise without going all the way will not make him
see you as pious and pure, he'll see you as a tease. So many girls
seem to take comfort in the fact that they didnt go all the way,
thinking they showed the guy that they have restraint and selfrespect. In reality, this is far from the case.
It doesn't matter if you only allowed him to round second base or if
he dove right into third, there is no innocence and no virtue in
dangling the goods in front of him without giving in. He will see right
through your act and he will not respect you for withholding sex from
him as some sort of twisted way to gain his respect. He may stick
around, knowing that after another sleepover or two you'll give it up.
Or he'll move on to a girl who either devalues herself enough to do it
right away, or one who respects herself enough to wait until he has
shown he's invested in her before even entertaining the notion of
having sex with him or engaging in any "warm up" activities.
If you truly want him to respect you, behave with self-respect and
dont let him have you in any sort of intimate capacity until he proves
he deserves it.
Sex Is Never a Bargaining Chip
For whatever reason, society has drummed in this idea of sex being
either a dealmaker or deal-breaker in a relationship, especially a
budding relationship. There are all kinds of rules about what to do
and when to do it, with an entirely different set of standards for men

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and women. As a result of all the confusion, women may feel like they
need to hold off on having sex for X amount of time as some sort of
way to gain leverage over the guy.
When you really think about it, the concept of intentionally
withholding sex from a man with the intent of manipulating his
emotions to gain an outcome is quite depraved. This might seem
ironic since so many people equate holding out with being more
virtuous or classy and giving it up quick as being classless and
slutty. Some women may even go so far as to condemn and complain
about women who seem to freely give up sex to men and ruin it for
everyone else.
In truth, the fact that sex is so readily available to men is a good
thing. Why? To put it bluntly, it forces men and women to find out
what truly drives a good relationship independent of the ever-taboo
subject of sex.
If sex is no longer a rare item for men (which it isnt these days),
then it forces them to look to other factors, deeper and more
meaningful factors, when choosing a relationship partner. It forces
men to shift their focus off of getting into a girls pants and focus on
other aspects of a relationship, like communication and experiencing
happiness and true partnership as a couple.
We do not value what is readily available to us and we wouldn't
pay one cent more than the lowest price we can get for something.
Sex is readily available; having it isn't enough to make a relationship
and withholding it isn't enough to cast some kind of "love spell" on a
guy (maybe it worked 100 years ago, but withholding sex until X date
is obsolete now, he'll just go somewhere else).
Holding off on sex until you establish a deep connection with your
partner is one thing. Holding off as a means to gain the upper hand is
quite another. Sex is never something that you should withhold or

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dispense in order to gain control. Doing so means that you are

devaluing sex as a means to an end. Instead of an ultimate
expression and celebration of human connection, it becomes a tool
for manipulation and coercion.
But how do I know if hes invested? He said he likes me, is that enough?
Some guys will say anything, anything to get you to sleep with them.
They will promise the sun, the moon, marriage, 10,000 babies,
anything you want is yours, now take those clothes off! It doesnt
mean he doesnt have feelings for you or that sex is the only thing
hes after. So how do you know whats real and whats designed to
butter you up? Well, start by turning down the volume on the sweet
talk and taking a closer look at his actions. This will reveal a whole lot
more about where he actually stands.
You can usually tell if a guy is invested in you if hes willing to
show some level of vulnerability to you. Maybe he shares something
with you that he wouldnt say to just anyone. Maybe he has a
conversation with you that he wouldnt have with the average
person. This kind of openness shows that he values you on a real
level and isnt only in it for the sex. Small talk and banter is not depth;
it is a shallow connection that you can have with anyone.
The amount of time you should wait varies from one situation to
the next. And the whole three-date rule is arbitrary and meaningless,
so put that one out of your mind.
Some people can establish an intense and meaningful connection
on the first date (these people are rare, this is an exception, not the
rule!) and some have no genuine connection after five dates, just
superficial interactions. You are the only one who can know how he
truly feels. This cant be measured in empty compliments, but rather,
in how he treats you and how he shows you that he cares (him saying
"I really care about you" doesn't cut it).

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Not everything that comes out of a man's mouth is bull. When his
actions reflect the things he says, then he means it! If he tells you he
really cares about you and hed do anything for you, and then calls
you late at night insisting you make the drive over to his place (Im
just so tired baby, I promise Ill make it worth it), then he has a very
loose definition of anything. If he tells you he's crazy about you, but
then says the reason he hasn't called or made time to see you is
because he's been "super swamped at work," he clearly isn't all that
crazy, at least not about you. If he was, he would take 30 seconds out
of his busy schedule to text you just to let you know hes thinking
about youit takes less time than a bathroom break!
Also, a man is never "too busy with work" or anything else to see
you, let's just get this one out of the way. If you care about someone,
you make the time, even if it's a quick cup of coffee in the middle of
the day. If a guy is telling you he's "too busy" what he's really saying
is, "you're not important enough to make time for." When he wants to
make time, he does. Its as simple as that.
Above all, do not have sex with him until you feel truly ready and
its something you want. Dont do it because hes pressuring you,
dont do it just to please him, dont do it because youre afraid hell
leave you if you dont put out, dont do it because of societal
pressure. Having sex for any of those reasons tells him that youre
insecure and needy. A girl who has sex on the first date because she
feels a profound connection and truly, genuinely wants to give herself
to this man, knowing wholly that he appreciates her on a deep level,
is a whole lot more respectable than a woman who puts out on the
fifth date solely because her guy is getting antsy.
Cheat Sheet
Rather than focusing on when to have sex with a guy, consider the
following questions:

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 Do I want to (or not want to) have sex with him because of the
impact I believe it will have on the relationship, or because of
my own level of desire and feeling of connectedness to him?
Do I actually like him as a person? Do I actually enjoy the time
we spend together in the here and now?
If I were to sleep with him, would I feel good about it
afterwards?
Is he invested in me as a person, beyond mere sexual
attraction?

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CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Wont Put a

Label (Or a Ring) On It
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with
somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible
- When Harry Met Sally
Ahh the great label debate. You can be dating a guy for an extended
period of time, you know you like each other, maybe you even love
each other, but he just wont put a label on it. It makes absolutely
zero sense to you, so you push the issue to figure out whats going
on. This only makes things worse. Suddenly the entire relationship
becomes a tug of war as you struggle to get him to give you a title
that you have rightly earned.
From here, a deeper problem forms. As soon as you start asking a
guy if he cares about you or where the relationship is going or why he
wont call you his girlfriend, you allow him to call all the shots. He
knows what kind of commitment you want and it's in his power to
decide when and if he's going to give it to you. Things take on a more
frustrating shape if he knows that youll be there no matter what.
When he has this sort of conviction, he wont have any incentive to
lock it down and become official.
On the surface this may appear like some kind of cruel bargaining
game. The reality is that men have a certain criteria that they expect
a woman to meet in order for her to become his girlfriend or wife. Not
only do most women make no effort to discover or understand his
criteria, they dont even know it exists! Instead, they just assume that
being around for a certain period of time entitles them to receive an
official title.
If you want the title, you need to understand what makes a man

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inclined to bestow it upon a woman as well as what the title really

means to him.

WHEN A GUY WONT CALL YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND

You can't badger a guy into becoming official, be it an exclusive
relationship or marriage. If you try to force him into something he isn't
ready for, you will either send him packing or cause him to resent
you.
When a guy refuses to call you his girlfriend after a certain amount
of time, it can radically change the dynamic of the relationship. While
he pursued you initially, you may find that you are now the one trying
to win him over by constantly trying to prove that you are good
enough to be his girlfriend. You may cook for him, clean up after him,
work around his schedule even when its inconvenient for you, and be
there whenever he needs you in the hope that doing these things will
cause him to realize how great you are and what an amazing
girlfriend you will make.
This is problematic because:
A) Instead of appreciating you, he will take you for granted.
B) You will lose sight of whether he is good enough for you.
Dont Ask for It and You Shall Receive It
Men can be creatures of contradiction. If you tell him you want a
relationship, he will resist with all his might. Tell him you're not
looking for anything "serious" and he will do whatever he can to
change your mind.
Asking him why he wont call you his girlfriend is a colossal
mistake. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, you would be. Asking
him about it isnt going to accomplish a thing. Hes not going to say,
Oh wow, I didnt even think of that! Yeah, we should totally become

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official! Instead, hes going to give you some excuse about liking
things the way they are, about not being ready, about his fear of
getting hurt because his last relationship ended badly, or something
else from the unoriginal excuse arsenal.
The correct way to have "the talk" is... dont. If you're on track for a
deep, meaningful connection and relationship, you shouldn't feel the
need to have a talk to make it clear. And it shouldn't be a concern
that he wouldn't understand. And whatever you do, don't use the
phrase: "We need to talk." There is nothing more chillingly awful than
a girl using those four words in a sentence. To a man, it translates as:
"I (the woman) am going to put you through hell for at least a couple
of hours and you are not going to be able to get out of it."
When you start getting on his case about the label issue, you are
buying him a one-way ticket to the Freak Out Phase. Freak outs often
get triggered when a guy feels like hes losing his freedom and
independence. When you pressure him to become your boyfriend,
you are no longer the cool chick that he enjoys hanging out with.
Instead, hell see you as a bounty hunter who is trying to throw his
butt in jail and he will do whatever he can to outsmart you in order to
keep his freedom. As irrational as it may seem, guys are petrified of
being locked down. They want a companion who makes them feel
like an inspired winner every day, not a prison warden who wants to
keep them on lock down.
If you maintain your independence and demonstrate that you dont
need him in order to be happy, he wont be afraid of losing his
freedom. Instead, he will view a relationship with you as the
beginning of something great, not the end of the wonderful life he
once knew.
Suggestion: If you absolutely have to bring up the label issue, say
something casual like, You know... for the last month I feel like
you've been acting like a boyfriend... am I imagining that?" And listen

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to his answer. If you frame it in this nonchalant way, you'll know

where his head is at and it won't be an uncomfortable conversation
for either of you.
Dont Act Like His Girlfriend Until You Are His Girlfriend
Butterflies flutter awayunless you capture them. In laymans terms:
a guy will hold out on calling you his girlfriend for as long as possible
if he knows you arent going anywhere. When he senses that youll
move on unless he takes action, he will be spurred into action like his
pants are on fire and will slap that label right on you. He wont delay
even a second when theres a risk of some other dude sweeping in
and snatching you up.
When a relationship gets to a certain point, a lot of girls will jump
the gun and assume the girlfriend-role before its official. To prevent
that from happening, remember this: you are not his girlfriend until
you are his girlfriend. Doesnt that make things easier?
If youre giving him all the benefits of having a girlfriend without the
commitment, why should he take it to the next level? There is no
reward in that for him. It only becomes a reward when you establish
yourself as the prize and he feels like the luckiest son-of-a-gun in the
world to be your boyfriend.
Being official may give you some security, but it isn't ironclad. If
you had those fears before, you will continue to have them after and
will continue to seek further validation from your partner. What you
really need to consider is the quality of the relationship you have with
him as well as the quality of the relationship you have with yourself.
Do you wake up in the morning loving yourself? Do you love who
you are in this relationship? Do you love him for exactly who he is in
the relationship? Or, do you feel like youre chasing him? Like youre
not quite good enough? Like youre not sure where you stand with
him and if his feelings are real?

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Oftentimes, the reasons you want the title are more important than
the title itself, so take some time to really consider the answers to
those questions.
Watch What You Give
When you give to a man unconditionally, you make it seem like you
have something to prove. He won't see your generosity as a virtue;
rather, he will view it as a manifestation of deeper insecurities.
Were not saying don't give a man anything. You should give;
giving is great. Giving makes us better people and makes
relationships stronger. However, do not give until he shows he
deserves and can properly receive. Don't invest heavily in him before
he has shown any sort of commitment to you. Don't cook for him,
clean for him, surprise him with notes and gifts until he shows you
how much he appreciates and adores all that you have to offer. If a
man refuses to call you his girlfriend, don't bend over backwards
trying to cater to his every whim in the hopes that he'll realize what an
awesome girlfriend you'll make, this strategy never ever works.
The rules of giving can apply to all stages of relationships, but it's
especially important in the early stages. When you first get involved
with someone, it's best to stay as objective as possible. Blame it on
infatuation, emotions, or hormones, but the beginning of a
relationship can consume you with some intense feelings that prevent
you from seeing the other person clearly. Giving will only make the
problem worse, causing you to fall deeper in lust and clouding your
vision so that you can't see him for who he really is.
Being selective with what you give in the beginning will also give
you a better sense of the guy you're dealing with. A truly decent guy
who cares about you will recognize and appreciate anything you give
to him and will happily reciprocate. A jerk will just keep on taking as
long as you keep on giving.

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Rather than spending your relationship wondering what you can

do to show him how amazing you are, keep this question at the
forefront: Is he good enough for me?
Remember, we will always value that which we invest in, so pull
back and let him work to win you over. Wouldnt that be a whole lot
nicer than waiting in the wings for him to decide if youre worthy of
being his girlfriend?
The Difference Between Wanting a Boyfriend and Needing One
There is a big difference between wanting a boyfriend and needing a
boyfriend. When you feel an ache deep inside and long for a
boyfriendor even just a guy to hook up withits a symptom of a
larger issue.
This type of longing is usually a symptom of some deeper
insecurity or feeling of incompleteness. Any negative feelings you
may havebe it insecurities about your appearance, dissatisfaction
with your job, uncertainty about the futuremay incite a yearning for
someone else to be there and reassure you that you are beautiful,
that you are worth it, and that everything will be okay. Guys are
acutely in tune with your state of mind and no man wants to be in
charge of your self-esteem, thats just exhausting (not to mention
impossible to satisfy for another person).
The real reason guys resist becoming official early on isn't
because they're "commitment-phobes." A guy will happily become
official with a woman who truly wants and desires him. The hesitation
comes when he feels like he's just filling a slot, one that could be
filled by any other guy out there. He wants to feel like you chose him
because of how amazing, unique, and irresistible he is, not because
you need a boyfriend in order to feel good about yourself and any
man with a pulse will do.
The best possible attitude is one that says you'd be happy with or

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without a guy. When you come from this place, he knows that you
want him for who he is, not because you see him as a means to
sweet relief from your inner suffering.
What it Looks LikeIn Reverse
Danielle had been seeing Tom for a few weeks and couldnt shake
her feelings of uneasiness with the situation. On the day they met, he
confessed that he has never had a real girlfriend before and made it
clear that he was looking for something serious. She didn't think
much of it until he aggressively started trying to become "official."
Danielle definitely liked him and saw potential, but they were still only
getting to know each other.
Tom said he really liked her, that he never felt that way about a girl
before, that she was the kind of girl he could see himself marrying,
but Danielle was dubious. Its not that she didn't believe she was a
catch, she just didn't believe Tom could possibly know her on a deep
enough level to have those kinds of feelings. He showered her with
superficial compliments (Youre so beautiful/smart/funny/amazing),
which only convinced her that he didnt really see her. He didnt even
seem to care about getting to know her or finding out who she was
deep down, he only cared about securing that title.
Danielle wasnt flattered by Toms persistence, knowing it had
nothing to do with her and everything to do with some lingering chip
on his shoulder. She didnt want to be the girl to fill that void for him
so she ended it. Tom had a new girlfriend two weeks later.
When He Says He Doesnt Want A Relationship Right Now (But Keeps
Acting Like Hes Your Boyfriend)
We stress the importance of looking at a guys actions rather than his
words. While this holds true in most regards, the exception is when
he tells you he doesnt want a relationship. When he says this,
believe him!

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Most women fixate on the tiny slivers of hope that their guy offers.
It could be something considerate he did, a sweet compliment, an
extra dose of affection, anything to maintain the belief that he will
want an exclusive relationshipeventually. When things continue to
stagnate, many will turn inward and start wondering what theyre
doing wrong (Was I too needy? Too unavailable? Too nice? Too
mean?)
We get so, so many versions of this type of scenario:
Dear Sabrina and Eric,
Ive been seeing this guy for a while and things have been great. I
finally decided it was time to have The Talk and he basically said he
wasnt ready to be in a full-blown relationship. However, he still calls
and texts me every day. And when we hang out, hes really sweet
and affectionate and calls me baby and stuff. I dont get it, why are
boys so confusing?
Ladies, he isnt telling you he doesnt want a relationship because
he thinks its funny to toy with your emotions or because hes trying to
test you. It isnt code for something else; it isnt due to bad timing. It is
the result of him genuinely not wanting to be in an exclusive
relationship with you.
Why is he still calling and texting? Because hes lonely and youre
available when he wants you. Dont worry; hell stop confusing you
with the phone calls and the affectionate pet names as soon as he
finds a woman he does want to be in a relationship with. And when
he finds this woman, an amazing thing will happen. All of his issues
will suddenly melt away and hell suddenly be ready for a
relationship.
So what do you do if he hits you with this impossible-to-swallow
statement? Let's look at an example of a woman who isn't needy and
sees herself as the prize:

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Guy: "I like you, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship."

Girl: "That's fine, I'll keep my options open then." (And without
being upset or whining or taking it personally, she continues to keep
her options open...)
The sub-text: "I know I'm desirable, I know you want me and if you
dont want to risk losing me to another guy, you need to make this
official."
If this kind of impressive laissez-faire attitude doesnt spur him into
action, then he simply doesnt want a relationship with you and you
wont have to worry about wasting any more of your time. He said he
does not want a relationship (again, the reason doesnt matter) and if
that belief is going to change at all, it will change if he senses that he
could lose you to someone else. If youre content being his nongirlfriend, girlfriend then thats fine too. It all comes down to what will
make you feel fulfilled and happy.
You deserve to have the relationship you want, so dont settle for
one that falls short of that just because you dont think you can do
any better or because youve convinced yourself that one day hell
see the light and things will be different. Its a tragic trap to fall into
and youre worth more than that.
Most women are absolutely terrified of backing off for fear of losing
the guy. Were going to make this a whole lot easier on you. If he truly
cares, hell come after you, no exceptions. If he doesnt come after
you, then he never cared all that much to begin with and you just
saved yourself many months, or years, of being with someone who
doesnt appreciate you.
When you accept it and move on, you get all the benefits and skip
all the heartache. You'll either get him back (and he'll stay, realizing
that he needs to keep you happy or you'll go elsewhere), or he'll let
you go, freeing you up to find someone more worthy of your time.

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The Pains of Premature Exclusivity

We see this scenario play out over and over again. A girl starts dating
a guy and likes him so much right from the start that she can't even
conceive of dating anyone else (as Carrie Bradshaw put it, it would
be like shoving another item into an already overstuffed suitcase).
While this is all nice and romantic, it's a breeding ground for
neediness to emerge because youre placing all of your hopes on this
one guy.
Remember, you are not his girlfriend until you are his girlfriend, so
stop acting like it prematurely and learn how to bask in the glory of
being a free agent. Women are such amazing multi-taskers except
when it comes to dating. When they meet a guy they really like, they
become exclusive far too soon. Fine, you may really, really like this
guy, but if youre not in an exclusive relationship then dont give him
the benefits of exclusivity. This will only hurt you in the end and can
seriously damage your chances of ever becoming official.
If you play the girlfriend part before youve officially been cast in
the role then you are, as they say, letting him have his cake and eat it
too. He gets all the benefits of a relationship without the pressure. He
may not be going out and dating other women, but he will hang onto
the fact that he could for as long as he can. So take the same
approach!
Dont make him your end-all-be-all. Until he locks it down, hes just
one of many options for you. Dont take down your online dating
profile, dont reject any other prospective suitors who come your way,
dont invest in him any more than he has invested in you. Go on and
enjoy the freedom of seeing what else is out there while you have
that luxury (Note: You wont have it for very long when you take this
approach, so use that time wisely!). You don't even need to say a
word to him, he will feel that energy from you and it will compel him to
lock it down ASAP!

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Warning: Do not go out on dates solely to rub it in his face. If you are
still exploring your options, he will be able to sense it (we dont know
how it works, it just does). Dont go out of your way to tell him about
any other guys youre dating or talking to, it will just make you seem
immature and spiteful and he definitely wont appreciate you trying to
get a rise out of him. Date around on your own time. Whether he
knows about it or not doesnt matter. The reason youre dating other
guys isnt to expedite the labeling process, its because you are a
single girl and that is what single girls do!
What It Looks Like
Melanie was an online dating pro who went on dates with different
guys almost every night of the week. However, when she found a guy
who seemed like a keeper, she would usually cancel on any other
prospective suitors. Her pattern was that she'd date a guy for a few
months, the relationship would end for one reason or another, shed
go back to the drawing board and line up a bunch of new dates, find a
keeper, cancel the rest, repeat, repeat, repeat. Melanie eventually
realized she wasn't making a very effective use of her time with this
one-guy-at-a- time attitude, so when she met and felt an instant
attraction to Josh, she forced herself to continue dating Chris, another
fine candidate with a bit less boyfriend potential.
While she spent most of her time with Josh, she would still hang
out with Chris here and there, as pointless as it seemed. True to
form, things with Josh soon fell apart. And then there was one.
Even though she was still a little iffy about Chris, she decided to
give him one more chance before pulling the plug. On what was
supposed to be their final date, everything changed. All of a sudden,
Melanie saw all these great qualities that she had completely
overlooked when she was so busy comparing him to Josh. She
noticed how effortlessly the conversation flowed and how comfortable
and relaxed she felt with Chris, a strong contrast to how uneasy and

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unsure she used to feel with Josh. And just like that, a new couple
was formed.
Without even realizing it, Melanie played her cards perfectly. By
keeping Chris at arms length for almost a month, he grew to like her
more and more and felt like the happiest guy in the world when she
finally came around (though he never found out why it took her so
long).
The moral of the story: its far too easy to fall for the wrong guy, so
keep your options open because true love may be staring you in the
face.
Cheat Sheet
If you want an exclusive relationship, you'll want to do the following:
- Make sure that you're enjoying your life and are fulfilled by it
just as it is. Dont think having a boyfriend is the missing ingredient
that will suddenly make you feel whole.
- Make sure that the time you spend with him reaches him
deeply as a person. This doesnt mean sex or kisses or cuddles or
even relationship activities like dinners and dates. Its about
connecting on a level that goes beyond the superficial and into a real
place that you can both feel.
- Dont ask him What are we? Where is this going Is there a
future? When you ask him these things, you relinquish all control.
The ball is in his court and the terms of the relationship are his to
dictate (and he will probably keep them as loosely defined as
possible).
- Be a prize to be won. Fishing wouldn't be an accomplishment for
men if the fish swam up to the boat and said, "You can feed me
whatever you want, just please catch me!!" Remember that youre the
prize that he has to win over and stop trying to be what you think he

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wants.
- Keep your dating options open. Most relationship problems seem
to magically disappear when a man thinks you might be off the
market soon. If he hasnt slapped a title on it, youre a free agent.
Dating other guys will also prevent you from obsessing and putting all
your hope into that one guy.

WHEN HE WONT COMMIT ON FACEBOOK

We truly live in the era of Love 2.0. After you and your guy become
"official," the next question is often when to take the relationship
digital. What's the point of finding love and happiness if you can't rub
it in the faces of everyone in your network?! Kidding, kidding. But in
truth, becoming official on Facebook comes with its own unique set of
hurdles.
Before you come at your guy with compelling arguments as to why
hes being stubborn and irrational (Its not a big deal, its just
Facebook! Everyone knows were dating anyway!), and start
questioning whether his feelings for you are real, take one giant step
back and look at the situation from a more objective angle.
Oftentimes, its not really about the Facebook status at all.
What does the Status Really Mean to You?
At a deeper level, there are probably a couple of things going on.
The first is his commitment to you. If hes referring to you as his
girlfriend, hes into you and he is committed to you (as we discussed
in the previous section, acquiring this label isnt always an easy feat!).
He likes you, he wants you, and thats all the commitment you should
want or expect. Focus on the fact that you have something special
rather than on what it means that he wants to keep it out of the public
eye.

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Second, its about public acknowledgment. You want that status

up there so its official, so to speak. So that everyone who knows you
knows youre with him and everyone who knows him knows hes with
you. Theres nothing wrong with wanting to share your happiness,
unless its coming from a place of wanting to prove something (Look
world! I have a hot boyfriend! See how great I am? Hint hint, nudge
nudge at all your ex boyfriends). Or, it may be stemming from a place
of insecurity and a need to mark your territory and send a Stay
Away message to his ex girlfriends and any other girls out there who
may be interested in him.
Maybe Hes Just a Private Guy
Everyone is different. Some people are just private and
uncomfortable with documenting every spec of their lives via social
media. Just because its the norm these days doesnt mean everyone
is comfortable with it. If your guy doesnt really update his status, or if
he has a barren Facebook profile, that could very well be the reason.
When you become official on Facebook, not only does the world
know when the relationship begins they will also know when/if it
ends. In the real world, you may call up a few close friends after a
breakup. In the digital world, you have all these people you hardly
know offering their condolences, asking what happened, and giving
you unsolicited pep talks (Yeah girl! Youre better off without him!).
Some guys may feel uncomfortable letting so many people in on their
private lives. Most of the time, it really is as simple as that.
How to Deal
It is a much smarter strategy all around to wait until things are really
official before you go digital. Official in that this relationship isnt
ending anytime soon. Eventually, the relationship will move into a
more stable, mature place. Guys know this and usually when it enters
that stage, the stage where its so obvious youre his girlfriend youd

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see it from space, he will update his status.

Again, let it happen naturally. Dont force, manipulate, beg, or
cajole. Trying to get your way using force will just send him into freakout mode and will make you look needy. Instead, focus on enjoying
the relationship for exactly what it is in real life.
When your relationship is so strong, amazing, and fulfilling on both
ends, hell want to tell the world that youre his. Hell want to shout it
from the rooftops. So focus on being the kind of woman who can be
in a wonderful relationship and sit back while everything else falls into
place.

WHEN HE ISNT PROPOSING

There comes a certain point in a relationship when you have to
wonderis this for now or is it forever?
The answers when it comes to marriage questions fall along the
same lines as the exclusivity questions, only this decision obviously
carries more weight. The stakes are much higher; he needs to be
absolutely sure he wants you to be the last stop on the train.
Why Guys Get Married
Generally speaking, guys dont care whether or not theres a legal
document that says youre married. In many cases, a guy gets
married for you.
Most men have heard enough horror stories to know that tying the
knot isnt going to make a woman any less likely to cheat or leave, so
theres a general attitude that its not to a mans advantage to risk half
of his income on the chance that everything works out. (Yes, we do
realize that there are many cases where the woman makes more
money than the man. However, we are conveying a common fear and
mindset of men, not a socio-political reality. The truth of the matter is

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that there is widespread cynicism about marriage and this is

especially rampant in the male population.)
Most men usually have one or more the following criteria for
marriage:
When hes ready to start a family.
When he and his partner have been together so long that he
couldnt imagine life without her there.
When it really wouldnt matter if they were married or not
because it was clear neither person will leave.
When he knows it has to happen at some point to keep you.
That is, in the back of his mind, he knows that if he doesnt
eventually tie the knot, youll leave him for someone who will.
When he gets to a certain age or stage of life where getting
married is the thing youre supposed to do.
He realizes he needs her to be a better man and live a better
life.
Why Guys Resist Marriage
Want to know the real reason men are so resistant to marriage? Put
bluntly, it goes against their nature. Men hate being locked down.
They hate rules, they hate taking directions, they hate restrictions,
they hate feeling confined. A man wants to feel like he can do
whatever he wants, even if he doesn't necessarily want to go out and
do whatever.
Men are a lot more abstract than women; all they see is a world of
possibility and potential. If a woman emasculates him and chips away
at his feeling of power and potential, he will never want to marry her
(and if he already married her, he will invariably leave or suck it up
and endure a life of misery). Unfortunately, nagging and emasculation
are portrayed on TV as funny sitcom marriages. But Everybody Love

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Raymond aint real life; a guy wouldnt be able to stand that kind of
relationship for more than a few months without breaking something,
cheating, or outright leaving.
Men love generating new ideas, but hate the actual process of
taking that idea and turning it into life. A womans strength is her
appreciation for the process. Men are oriented toward achievement
and winning; women are much more focused on bonding and
relationships. While these differences are at the root of most
relationship issues, they are also the elements that can radically
transform two people for the better (assuming those people are in a
healthy, harmonious relationship).
Men hate being held back, they don't want to be limited by time
and space. This is the reason why men bring the bare minimum with
them when they leave the house and will not carry one extra item
above what is absolutely necessary (this usually narrows it down to
their phone and wallet). Women, on the other hand, bring a whole
survivor's kit in their oversized handbags when they go anywhere.
This concept also explains why men are so into gadgets. Men love
the idea of gadgets that have the potential to do anything. There is
nothing a man loves more than a tiny item with the potential to do a
million different things at once, even if he will never actually need that
potential. Hell buy an iPhone because of the possibility of having
hundreds of thousands of apps, and in reality, will maybe use two at
most. Hell get a Swiss Army Knife, even though the only real survival
gear he needs is his Starbucks Card.
Now lets take these ideas and look at marriage. Men hate being
tied down, and given the restrictive nature of marriage, it's only
natural for a man to be very resistant to the idea. The men who are
open to marriage are the ones who realize that having unlimited
potential is meaningless unless it can be expressed into something
greater. They also acknowledge that being in a deep, meaningful
relationship will help them get there.
The mans view of sacrificing a lifetime of unrestricted possibilities
can be viewed with resistance or welcome departure. The choice is

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similar to choosing a healthy lifestyle; sure you could sit around all
day without exercising and eating junk food, but youd end up
overweight, lethargic, and probably grow to resent your own
recklessness. In that same way, a man will only get married if he is
more drawn towards the new lifestyle (of legally-bound devotion)
versus his former bachelor life (of infinite possibilities for
recklessness.)
Men are rational creatures and when they can look at their life and
see that its clearly better when youre there than when youre not,
then the choice makes sense (assuming that you continue to be as
you are now during the marriage).
Realizing he needs a woman to have a better life, and being open
to the idea of marriage, are only part of the equation though. A man
also has to be with the right girl. The right girl for a man is usually the
one who can help him actualize his potential, the one who sees his
strengths and brings out his best self.
Reasons He Wont Let Go of the Resistance
The reason some men may drag relationships out for years and
years, even though they truly love and care for their partners, is
simply because she is the wrong match and can't get him to that
powerful place. This may not even be a conscious choice; it can be a
small tug of resistance from deep inside that keeps him from ever
popping the question, buying the ring, setting the date, or whatever
hes doing to drag things out. A guy will absolutely marry a girl when
her presence in his life (and the way she inspires him) transcends the
bachelor experience.
In the right relationship, a guy recognizes that being with this girl
will lead to a better life than if he was single and had all his
"freedom." It's a sacrifice, but a man will give up some freedom for
something much greater to him. It varies from man to man in how it's
expressed, but ultimately it always boils down to him feeling like more
of a winner in the world with her than without her. If a relationship isnt
bringing him to a higher place, then there is not much of an incentive

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for him to lock himself into the situation for the long haul.
There are also men out there who want to remain perpetual
bachelors. Some of these guys might not be in a place in their lives
where they value being in a relationship and may need time to realize
that a meaningful relationship can offer significantly more than a
string of one-night stands. Other guys might prefer to stay in
bachelor-ville because it's safer there.
Believe it or not, men also have fears when it comes to
relationships. And men are a lot more hesitant to invest in something
that can easily fall apart (we all know what the divorce rates are these
days). If you think women take breakups bad, you may be surprised
to know that it's more often men that commit suicide after a breakup
or divorce. Men are also more likely than women to suffer from
depression when a relationship falls apart.
Men are very protective of their relationships and are much more
likely than woman to proceed with caution due to the immense
potential risks.
The More Your Push Him, The More Hell Pull Away
Weve said it before and well say it again (and again and again and
again). The more you pester a guy, the more you will drive him away.
While we take issue with the romantic comedy genre for so
radically distorting the way women see love and expect men to
behave, we have to hand it to the film Hes Just Not That Into You for
hitting the nail on the head with one storyline in particular. The Jen
Aniston and Ben Affleck situation was pretty dead on (and actually, it
completely negates the message of the book it was based upon,
which claims if he doesnt want to marry you, hes just not that into
you, but whatever!).
In the film, Beth (Aniston) hits a breaking point with Neil (Affleck),
her boyfriend of seven years who doesnt believe in marriage. She

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tries reasoning with him by pointing out all the ways his logic is
flawed, but the more she persists, the more he resists until she
ultimately pulls the plug on the relationship.
A bunch of other stuff happens and eventually, she is able to
accept Neil for who he is and accept the relationship just as it is,
letting go of her need for him to propose in order to validate what they
shared. As soon as she was able to accept and appreciate the
relationship for what it was, Neil wanted to lock it down. It was only
when she no longer needed him to propose that he was able to
realize he wanted to take it to that level. This scenario pretty much
encapsulates everything weve been saying.
Forcing a ring out of a guy wont work out well. Aside from him
probably feeling insulted by the gesture, can you imagine if he did go
for it? Every time you have an argument he would think back to how
he felt coerced into marriage and pressured by you and he may come
to resent you for trapping him.
Marriage is a huge commitment for him and for you. If you get
impatient, its going to hinder your ability to be empathic and
understanding towards him. If you dont respect his hesitations and
reservations, you cant expect him to respect where youre coming
from.
If your patience is running thin, you should definitely address the
issue with him. But before you do, try to get clear on how you feel and
what you will do if you dont get the response you want.
If he says he doesn't want kids or marriage in his future, what will
you truly be willing to do? Accept it? End the relationship and move
on? First, decide your absolute bottom line. If you waver in your
convictions, he will think that you dont really know what you want and
he can give you an answer to kill time such as, Oh yeah, I plan on
marrying you one day, I just need more time. If you come into the
situation knowing exactly where you stand you will be in a position to

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act with a clear mind, not one shrouded in strong emotions.

Being open and honest about what youre feeling is totally fine,
just make sure you are coming from a place of love and
understanding, not one of frustration and impatience. When he
explains his thoughts and feelings on the matter, be willing to listen
with an open mind and an understanding heart, even if he doesnt
give you the answer you want to hear.
How to Deal
The solution to the marriage question is the same as the solution to
all other relationship issues: be your best self. A guy needs a tangible
incentive if he is going to get married. Its the same idea we learned
in the section on being official, if you are already acting like his wife
(this is usually the case with couples who live together), then where is
his incentive to take things further? He needs to be able to see the
benefits of committing to a life with you otherwise he's just putting an
unnecessary restriction on himself and, as we learned, no man will
ever willingly do that.
When you are at your best, you will naturally bring out his best.
When you are in a good place emotionally, you will be able to help
him actualize his potential and will be better able to encourage him
and motivate him to achieve his goals and find greater fulfillment in
his life.
Try and tune in to what makes him feel like hes on top, like hes
winning in the game called life. There's a lot to be said for recognizing
a man's deep aspirations in life. There are two problems with this,
though. The first is not every man can clearly articulate his
aspirations; he'll know when she's hitting the right spot, but he may
not have the self-awareness to outright tell her what that spot is.
Second, the woman might be so fixated on her own experience, her
own wants, and her own issues that she is unable to look into him
deeply enough to perceive that part of him and see what he
really wants out of life.

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Again, it comes down to being in a good place internally. When

you dont need him, you will be able to see him for who he is more
clearly and as a result, be better able to help him become the man he
wants to be. When a woman can help a man reach his potential, he
will be devoted to her for life.

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CHAPTER 5: Dealing With A Guy With

Baggage
Love is giving people the freedom to be the way they are, not trying
to make them the way you want. Anonymous
Fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, emotional baggagecall it
what you want, it comes in many different forms and causes a great
amount of confusion and turmoil.
When a guy is going through a rough time emotionally (either
because he lost his job, just got out of a difficult relationship, is
struggling with depression, and so on) it can pose a huge threat to
your emotional state.
You know he's having a hard time, and you understand that the
reasons are valid, but how much of yourself do you sacrifice in order
to help him get through it? He tells you he cares about you and that
he wants to be with you, but he just "can't right now." So you wait. But
how long are you supposed to wait? How do you know if he's ever
going to get his act together? And what if he does finally get a handle
on his issues and makes himself whole again only to drop you for
someone shiny and new?

DEALING WITH A GUY WHO LOST HIS JOB

When guys go through major life changes, they need time to regroup
and sort out their new circumstances. Guys don't like to show up to a
relationship unless they know they're on top of their game and feel
like a winner.
When guys don't feel like theyre on top of their game, they want
to hide away from the world and from their relationships. Losing a job

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can be absolutely crushing to a guy and it may make him feel like a
worthless loser. Never underestimate the power of a mans job to
affect the rest of his life. Theres something deeply psychologically
ingrained in men that causes them to feel utterly dejected when there
are problems with their careers. One of the major ways that men
gauge their own attractiveness is through their ability to affect the
world in the way that they intend. Men live in the world of wins and
losses, victories and defeats. So how do you deal when your man is
grapping with a major defeat?
Keep the Coddling Under Control
The worst thing a woman can do in this sort of situation is try to
comfort and coddle him with well-intentioned pep talks. This will just
exacerbate the problem because the guy will think: "only a loser
would need to be comforted."
The heart of the problem for the man is not that he feels bad.
The problem is that he believes he is losing in the game of life. Most
men only want to be seen when they feel like winners. When a guy
doesnt feel like hes winning, he will want to be alone or go through
his own process to regroup and figure out how he can become the
winner again.
This is difficult for most women to understand because when a
woman is upset, the first thing she wants to do is talk about it with her
friends or significant other. Men dont operate that way. They dont
find clarity through bonding; they find it through retreating to their
inner world.
Ever notice that when you're trying to solve some sort of problem
and you sit and try to force a solution you don't get anywhere? Then
when you take a step back and start doing something else, the
solution just comes to you? (This is probably why so many people get
their best ideas in the shower). It's pretty much the same concept
here; you can't force things to happen. Men are very solution-

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oriented. If a man has an issue, he will try to find the resolution as

swiftly as possible. Talking about things only drags this out
unnecessarily, at least in a mans mind.
Instead of trying to fix him or his emotional state, give him the
space to work his issues out on his own. If he does come to you, let
him speak freely. He doesn't want you to comfort or help him; he just
wants you to understand where he is coming from. Listen and
acknowledge. You can let him know that you're there for him and if he
wants anything he can ask, but he will refuse regardless, so the main
point is to just listenif he comes to you. You cant force him to open
up. Asking him, Why wont you talk about it with me? will only push
him further away and cause him to feel more stressed.
Men dont want to feel coddled or pitied for their loss. Its a
sickening feeling for a guy to think that his girl is loving him because
she has to, when deep down she is disappointed in him or thinks hes
a loser in the world (most guys will think that way even if thats not
whats really going on).
How You Can Help
The best thing you can do is try to make him feel like a winner. Focus
on everything you admire about him. Focus on his best qualities and
the things that other people don't appreciate or notice about him. See
him as the guy he wants to be seen as by others (even if he doesn't
think he is that guy at the moment). Just make sure you come from a
genuine place, not from a place of trying to cheer him up.
This is a process and things will only get better if he works on
getting back on top of his game. If he feels like a winner when he's
around you, he'll be way more likely to rise up and get his act
together in order to keep you around.
It is an almost universal truth that when a guy is stressed about his
career, his relationship will also become a source of stress. The main

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cause of that stress is that hell feel like he is not pulling his weight in
the relationship. In a guys mind, his ultimate contribution to the
relationship is being the winner and the hero. Nothing stings a guy
harder than feeling like a failure.
What can you do? Dont add fuel to the fire and stress him out
further. Even if you are being supportive, sometimes "support" can
add stress if he thinks you feel like there's a relationship problem that
needs to be solved. If you can give him space and focus on making
your life as happy and fulfilling as possible, it will go a long way
towards things improving down the line.
When he sees that you are not suffering or unhappy, it will
alleviate any pressure he feels as well as fears that he is letting you
down, which will ultimately help him clear his mind and get back on
his feet.
When He Loses His Job and Also Loses Interest In Sex
Women are lead to believe that men always want sex, always. Every
minute of every day, its all they want! So when a man isnt interested
in having sex, the woman panics and assumes it means he is no
longer attracted to her and the relationship is doomed.
When a guy loses his job, he cant help but feel like a loser. It
doesnt matter if he didnt like the job all that much to begin with, or if
he realizes that he didnt deserve to lose his job and there was
nothing he could have done differently. In this situation, it is very likely
he will start questioning his own general sense of potency (that is, his
ability to have an impact in the world) and his own sense of
deservingness. As a result, he may feel like a worthless loser on the
inside. As a worthless loser, he probably feels like he doesnt deserve
love, affection, a relationship, or sex from a good woman like you.
If this happens, try your best to just leave it alone and give him
space. And do not try and bring this one up. If you ask him why he

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doesnt want to sleep with you anymore he will see it as you pointing
out another failure for him to add to his list and he will retreat further.
Countless studies have shown that emotional stress is a frequent
cause of decreased testosterone levels in men. Questioning him
about his lagging libido will only add to his stress level and
exacerbate the problem. Instead, try to make your time with him as
stress-free as possible.
Remember, this has nothing to do with you, or how attractive you
are. Its all him and how he sees himself; it has nothing to do with
how he sees you. Just remind yourself of this one over and over
when your frustrations and insecurities start to boil over.

DATING A GUY ON THE REBOUND

Rebound relationships have a really bad reputation even though their
success or failure usually depends on the same factors as regular
relationships.
There are situations where rebound relationships fail and
situations where they succeed. This isnt based on luck of the draw;
its based on how you approach the relationship and how he deals
with his breakup.
Lets look at two cases of rebound relationships that demonstrate
how these things can unfold:
Situation 1
Sarah started dating Greg a few weeks after he ended a six-year
relationship. Things got off to a pretty smooth and effortless start.
They went out on fun and exciting dates, they spoke on the phone
frequently, and they genuinely enjoyed spending time together. Sarah
never suspected she was a rebound, and she had no reason to. Who
takes a rebound out on fancy dates? Clearly, this was the real deal

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and they would be an official couple any minute now.

Greg, on the other hand, went into panic mode when they hit the
two-month mark, knowing his grace period was almost over and he
would soon have to, as they say, poop or get off the pot. They were
definitely headed in the official direction and once he felt that
pressure, he panicked and realized he wasnt ready for another
girlfriend, especially since he still wasnt over his last one.
One night, out of the blue, Greg showed up at Sarahs place and
dumped her. The poor girl never saw it coming and had no idea what
she could have done differently.
Sarah knew Greg was on the mend when they met so she let him
set the pace for the relationship, which often meant they were seeing
each other almost every night of the week. While Sarah was aware
things were moving quickly, she assumed it was because Greg really
cared about her and wanted to be with her.
Greg did care about Sarah, but what he really wanted and needed
was time to heal. He wanted to date around and keep things light and
casual. He didnt mean to lead Sarah on by treating her like she was
his girlfriend, he was just so used to being that way. He had been the
boyfriend guy for so long that he completely forgot how to be the
single guy.
Greg felt a familiar comfort with Sarah, but it wasnt because he
had developed profound feelings for her, it was because he missed
having a girlfriend and was used to acting like a boyfriend. Being
alone was scary and unfamiliar for him. Having Sarah around made it
easy to slip back into his comfort zone instead of dealing with his hurt
and pain.
Situation 2
Jessica met Mike two months after ending a four-year relationship.
Coincidentally, Mike had ended a two-year relationship at around the

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same time. Both of them had gone through pretty civilized breakups
where they gained firm understandings of what they wanted in a
significant other (brought on by being with people who they loved, but
knew they couldnt be with). Neither of them expected to be in new
relationships anytime soon, so they casually started dating without
any hopes, dreams, or expectations. Before they knew it, they started
seriously dating and within a year they had moved in together.
The reason things were able to flourish is they didnt bring residual
baggage into the relationship. While they werent single for very long,
they were each able to make peace with their respective breakups
before getting back in the ring for another round.
Mike explained that his previous girlfriend helped him realize what
he didnt want, which made him better able to recognize what he did
truly want when he found it in Jessica. He wasnt filling a void or
looking for a replacement. He found someone with all the qualities
that he knew he wanted, and even though he didnt get to live it up as
a single guy for long, he didnt care because he felt no amount of
random hookups could ever compare to what he had with her.
Jessica was coming from the exact same place. To everyones
surprise, this double rebound turned into a really happy, mutually
fulfilling relationship.

The Rebound Rules

Now that weve seen how these situations can unfold, lets examine
two fundamental rules in making a rebound relationship work.
Rule #1: Give Him Time to HealOn His Own
When a guy who just got out of a relationship immediately starts
acting like your boyfriend, warning bells should go off. Its not that he
doesnt care about you, but he may just be falling into familiar habits,
or trying to keep himself distracted so he doesnt have to deal with

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the residual pain from his last relationship. If he keeps lining up one
date after the next, or acts overly affectionate and loving at the
beginning, its on you to take a step back and slow down the pace.
There is a very real possibility that things can get more serious
down the line, but it cant happen right away. If he acts like your
boyfriend from day one, chances are he just misses having a
girlfriend. While its much more beneficial to the psyche to assume
the reason hes acting that way is because he likes you so much, its
unlikely.
Unfortunately, when a man runs away from dealing with his
emotions, his emotions will catch up to him and hell be forced to
confront them. A mans emotional state must be healed, not covered
with a band-aid, before he can enter into a new relationship. Its up to
the guy to work out his issues; theres no shortcut to this for him or for
you.
If you dive right in when his wounds are still open and raw, you run
several risks:
1. You risk being a distraction so he can avoid dealing with his
emotions (which will eventually boil over). Instead of working
things out in his mind and making peace with the breakup, he will
retreat and avoid thinking about anything unpleasant (like his hurt and
pain). This wont change the fact that there are unresolved issues
swirling around and they will continue to resurface no matter how
hard he tries to push them aside. As long as you are in the
relationship with him, he will be able to distract himself from dealing
with the things he really needs to be dealing with.
2. You risk him running back to his ex. When a guy hasnt had a
decent amount of time to work out his issues, its very likely that he
will go back to the ex-girlfriend for one reason or another. The main
reason is that while he has been distracting himself with a new
relationship, the unresolved stuff has been eating away at him. Since

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he cant bring those issues up with you, he might reach out to the ex
in hopes of getting some inner-resolution. And thats a slippery
slope
3. You risk turning into his scapegoat, quasi-therapist, or
shoulder-to-cry-on. If a guy seems really broken up over his last
relationship, it isnt your job to nurse him back to health. The best
thing to do is stand back (far back) and let him work it out on his own.
If you dive right in before he has had the chance to fully deal with his
issues, he will either drop you suddenly and unexpectedly, or he will
drag you along on a confusing roller-coaster of relationship drama.
Rule #2 Dont Think of Yourself as a Rebound
Dating a man who just got out of a serious relationship can cause
problems from the start if the girl enters into the situation worrying
that she is just going to be his rebound. This is not a healthy
mindset for obvious reasons and can cast a dark cloud over the
relationship from the beginning.
In these cases, you may feel the need to protect yourself by being
on constant red alert for any indication that hes not over his ex, or
that hes just using you. In your state of paranoia, you may look to the
guy for reassurance, even though you wont really believe anything
he tells you because even if you were just a rebound, and even if he
was still in love with his ex, he wouldnt admit it to your face. The
more you try to get him to prove he cares, the more needy you will
become and its all downhill from there.
Its important to realize that the reason you need this assurance
isnt because he is fresh out of a relationship (thats just a convenient
scapegoat), its because there is a lack of trust in the relationship as
well as deeply rooted insecurities within yourself. When you allow
these fears to fester, it will only be a matter of time before they prove
true and he ends things. You may feel validated because things
turned out exactly the way you knew they would, but in reality, it was

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your own fears that most likely caused the relationship to implode.
A healthy way to approach this type of situation is to accept that
he is getting out of a relationship and he may need time to heal (this
will prevent you from being blindsided when he eventually realizes he
needs time to heal), without taking it personally and getting hung up
on the fact thatgasphe once cared for a woman that wasnt you.
Remember, a successful rebound relationship is possible, but only
if you come into the situation without any demands, delusions, or
insecurities.
How to Deal
If you can manage to step back gracefully and give him lots of space
to really, truly work out his unresolved issues, you might be able to
start with a virtually clean slate after a month or two. You can still
date, just keep it casual with no pressure or expectations. It will take
a lot of patience and discipline, especially if its a guy you really like,
but it will be much better than being in a relationship where youre
constantly competing with the ghost of an ex.
Women have a natural inclination to nurture and provide love and
support, which can be a very beautiful thing. However, if you allow
yourself to get wrapped up in whatever problems hes having, you
can lose a significant part of yourself and may no longer be able to
see the relationship clearly.
The more we give to someone else, the more we end up caring for
them. If you are so heavily invested in helping him heal, you will be
doing all of the giving. This will result in you developing strong
feelings for someone who does not yet have the capacity to feel the
same way about you.

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DATING A GUY WITH EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE

Whether its a divorce or a broken heart, baggage is baggage. If you
have a guy who is already in a position where he is limited in what he
can give (whether its because of his schedule, his lifestyle
preferences, his past), then you need to consider that you may end
up heavily investing in someone who will not be able to give you what
you want in a relationship. Investment determines his level and ability
to commit to you, so if you want that youd better make sure he is in a
position where he can invest time, energy, and attention when hes
with you.
What if hes not? Well, its up to you to decide if you want to stay
or leave, just be mindful of the accommodations you are making to
have him in your life. What are you sacrificing? What are you doing
for him? What are you putting in? Can he match it? (This is not the
same as saying will he or does he want to. can he?)?
The Quickest Way to Get Him to Ditch the Baggage
The funny thing about baggage is how quickly it will evaporate when
a guy meets the right girl. Guys dont suddenly become ready to be
in a relationship. They see the window of opportunity for them closing
and they either snap themselves into place and bring their A-game to
win you over, or they hide behind their baggage as an excuse to
avoid getting into a relationship.
A lot of guys have issues, but they will usually make a strong effort
to work them out fast if they think they're going to lose their chance
with a girl they're interested in. It doesnt matter how deeply rooted
his issues are, he will go out of his way to give you some sign that he
is invested in you if that is actually the case.
There are definitely extreme cases where a guy is dealing with
serious demons that make him incapable of being in any sort of
relationship, but these are rare exceptions.

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If the relationship has any hope of survival, you also need to be

willing to give him some space to work through whatever baggage
hes carrying. If you make his problems your problems, bigger
problems will arise.
Accept That His Ways of Coping Are Different From Your
Men and women are very different in their coping techniques. While
women usually prefer to talk it out until some semblance of a solution
emerges (although women dont necessarily need a solution, the
talking itself is usually enough to help them feel better), men usually
retreat and withdraw, preferring to work through things in their own
minds. You may feel slighted or insulted that he doesnt want to talk
about it with you, but try to keep these feelings under control and
accept that this is just the way men deal with things. Remember, this
isnt about you and it doesnt say anything about the state of your
relationship.
Men are very solution-oriented. If talking isnt going to help him
feel like a winner, hell see no point in doing it. Instead, he will pull
back and try to work things out internally. For many men, life is like a
battle and winning is life or death. When you're hurt, you heal, and
then return to the battlefield with a full heart.
When a man is recharged, that is when youre going to find him
the most attractive. It is only when he has the space to work on
himself that he can become the ideal man you want. When you
interpret the situation as him not putting the relationship first or
withdrawing, you may instinctively try to press him for reassurance
and validation. This is a big mistake because the reason he needs to
take a breather is so he can be a better man in the relationship and
overall.
The best thing to do when he pulls away is give him space. Thats
all he wants, so just let him have it. When you give him time to be by
himself, he'll notice and he'll appreciate it because he knows that

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most women cant do that. This will make him love you even more
because you are the one who can.
Hes not the only one who can benefit from this time apart. You
could also use it to work on yourself and to find ways to spend your
time meaningfully. Truly enjoy your life so that you are an even better
version of yourself when he starts to feel like himself again. Taking
the time to work on yourself will always make the relationship
stronger, so when the opportunity arises, grab it.
Fun Fact: A University of Missouri study found that young boys feel
the same way as men when it comes to talking about problems,
namely, that it's a waste of time. The researchers conducted four
different studies on nearly 2,000 children and adolescents. They
found that girls believed talking about problems would make them
feel cared for, understood, and less alone. Boys, on the other hand,
said talking about their problems would make them feel "weird" and
like they were "wasting time." They showed no fear of being teased or
bullied for opening up; they just saw no point in it.
Dont Engage With His Issues
Theres a trap that people can fall into where one person engages
with the other persons issue. That is, taking on your partners issue
as a problem of your own to solve (women usually do this in the
hopes that once the problem is solved, the relationship will be back
on track). At that point, instead of being just the guys issue, it
becomes a relationship issue.
How do you avoid engaging with someones issue? Dont fight
with it. Dont reason with it. Dont try to solve it. Just leave it alone.
Again, if he wants to talk about it, hell come to you; he knows where
to find you.
If or when he does, he will tell you his thoughts and feelings
because he wants you to understand him. He wants you to

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understand what he is thinking and struggling with. When a man feels

that you understand him, it deepens your relationship and
strengthens the bond between you, creating a true partnership where
you can stand alongside him when hes going through something
difficult.
Even if you dont agree with what hes saying, or dont think his
reasons for feeling down make any sense, resist the urge to fight him
on it or to point out why hes being totally irrational. Tempting as it
may be, dont try to solve his problems for him (unless he explicitly
asks for your advice). In most cases, he just wants you to understand
where hes coming from.
Most men feel like the people in their lives dont truly know or
understand them. When a man tries to make you understand him, he
is choosing to share a sacred part of himself with you.

Dont Fall Into The Trap of Co-dependence

The more sacrifices and accommodations we make for another
person, the more we invest in that person and the more that person
ends up meaning to us. This may seem counter-intuitive since we
often assume that that when we do something for someone else, they
will be more likely to invest back, but it just aint so. Trouble abounds
when only one person is making those (often unhealthy) sacrifices,
and this will usually be the person in the relationship who isnt riddled
with issues.
A relationship needs to be reciprocal. It is supposed to be a
partnership where each person is able to give to the other in healthy,
productive ways (as in, not giving just so you can get something
back, but rather, giving because you genuinely love the other person
and want to make them happy). If one person is doing all the giving
and the other is doing all the taking, you have yourself an unhealthy
co-dependent relationship. These relationships are the most

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devastating kind and usually leave both parties broken beyond repair
when they inevitably implode.
In a co-dependent relationship, neither person feels like they can
stand on their own. Instead, they rely on one another for a sense of
self, for a sense of worth. These situations usually form when one
person is in a fragile state and starts dating someone stronger and
seemingly together. There is a connection between the two and it
may start off well intentioned enough, with the Strong trying to help
the Weak. But it can quickly become something more insidious,
where the Weak is dependent on the Strong for everything and feels
that they would be lost without them. The Strong, in turn, may come
to enjoy feeling so needed and may give even more, sending the
Weak into an even weaker state.
The two people dancing in this toxic tango are soon unable to let
go of their roles. The Strong is afraid shell become obsolete if the
Weak gets his act together, and the Weak needs to keep the Strong
around for fear hell be completely helpless without her. Overall, its a
horrible situation that never, ever has a happy ending.
No matter how badly you want to things to improve, you cannot be
his salvation and you will not be able to fix him.
Cautionary Tale
Samantha started dating Peter at a very unfortunate time in his life.
He had just been dumped by a girl he really loved, he didnt have a
job, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life, and he was
struggling with severe depression. A week (to the day) after his ex
abruptly ended the relationship, he met Samantha and felt helpless in
the face of her unwavering compassion and genuine desire to help
him get his life back on track.
Samantha knew it was a mistake to get involved, but she couldnt
help herself because underneath all the baggage, she saw an

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amazing man; all he needed was someone to help him get through
the tough stuff and then things would be perfect. They fell into a
relationship almost immediately after meeting and were soon
spending every night together. While he really loved her, it was a
clouded sort of love that couldnt thrive because of all the baggage
weighing it down.
Samantha gave and gave, to the point where she no longer had a
life outside of the relationship. She paid for his groceries, knowing he
could barely provide for himself; she did his laundry; she cleaned his
apartment; she gave him generous gifts. She truly believed that if she
made his life easier, in any way possible, he would realize he couldn't
live without her and that she was an essential ingredient in his life.
While Peter appreciated her efforts, nothing changed and his life
and emotional state continued to unravel. Things trudged on for about
a year with both parties unable to let go of the relationship, as
destructive as it was. Samantha no longer saw her friends and no
longer cared about her future, all she wanted was for Peter to get his
life in order so they could finally focus on their future.
It never got to that point.
In time, Peter grew to resent Samantha. All of her compassion and
understanding made his life of poverty and misery too comfortable.
He met someone new and dropped Samantha without a flicker of
hesitation. No apologies, no thank you notes for her year spent as an
indentured servant, just an abrupt pulling of the plug and a quick leap
into someone else's arms. He saw an opportunity to be happy with
someone else, someone who wouldn't tolerate the miserable state of
his existence, and he went with it. And he did find happiness, he did
come out of his depression, he did find a new job, he did find true
love. As for Samantha? It's been six years since she was tossed to
the curb with Sunday's trash and she's still picking up the pieces.

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WHEN TO WALK AWAY

If a relationship isn't working despite your best efforts, then it's time to
leave. Simple as that. Yes, it's scary, but wasting your time and
energy on someone who isn't worth it leads to a far worse fate.
Whats the point of being in a relationship that's damaging and
beneath you? Its a waste of your time and mental energy. There are
real consequences that come with these sorts of relationships. They
can be crushing to your self-esteem and sense of self and can leave
you with open wounds that carry over into your next relationship. No
matter what, always remember that you deserve to have the
relationship you want. There is a lot of truth to that old saying that it
takes more strength to walk away than to stick it out.
If youre on the fence, there are two questions you can ask yourself to
help you make the right choice:
1. Do I Genuinely Like Who He Is, As He Is?
It's one thing to change a behavior, it's another thing entirely to think
you can change a person. A lot of people enter into relationships
because of what the other person could be. Instead, you need to
assume that this is who he is and this is how he will always be.
If there are certain things about him as a person that you simply
don't like, you need to accept that those traits/habits/quirks/neuroses
arent going anywhere. Then it's on you to decide if these traits are
things you are willing to accept (and never nag him about!), or if they
are deal breakers.
Dont try to coax, coerce, cajole, beg, plead, poutnone of that.
Everyone has flaws; perfection is only an illusion (usually crafted by
that old rabble-rouser called infatuation). You cant deal with a man
like youre brokering a business deal, looking at an opening offer as a
jumping off point to start negotiations. No, the offer is final, take it or

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leave it. It isnt possible to change someone else; if you ever doubt
this, just think about how difficult it is to change yourself (and in that
scenario, you are in the drivers seat!).
A smart thing to do is write out a definitive list of the qualities a
good husband should have. Take the time to really consider your
answers, discuss it with close friends, and make sure they are
internal traits, not superficial things like a has a good job because
that is subject to change (as are six-pack abs and a full head of hair).
If your guy is lacking in any of those fundamental good-husband
qualities, then whats to grapple over? Ditch the dude who doesnt
measure up, and find one who does.
2. Do I Like Myself When Im With Him?
This question is the most important of all and is the ultimate deciding
factor in whether to stay or go. When two people are in a healthy
relationship, they naturally bring out the best in one another. They
naturally challenge each other to grow so that their attributes
strengthen and they become the best versions of themselves.
When a relationship crushes you and forces you to shrink, placing
a dark mask over the things that make you shine, there are problems
brewing. And unless they're addressed, those problems will boil over
like a burning cauldron, leaving you covered in blistering wounds and
a big mess to clean.
There are countless women who feel miserable and trapped by
their relationships, yet despite these agonizing feelings of
hurt/despair/insecurity/fear, they are unable to extricate themselves
from the situation because of their all-consuming feelings for the
other person. They get so caught up in their feelings for him that they
miss the most important variable in the equation: themselves. Having
strong feelings for someone does not mean hes the right person for
you.

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If you dont like who you are when youre with that person, then
thats it. End of story. If he brings out your worst and squashes your
best, extinguishing that inner-fire that makes you you, recklessly
trampling on the ashes, then get the heck out of the burning building
and never look back!
The man you want to ultimately be with is a man who respects,
appreciates, loves, and admires you for exactly who you are. He not
only loves the good, he accepts and embraces the bad. He is there
for you, even if its inconvenient for him, because he wants to be, not
because you guilted him into it. He makes sacrifices for you, not
because he values your happiness above his own, but because he
knows he cant be happy unless you are. He doesnt only listen to
what you have to say; he hears the things you arent saying. He is a
man who will bring out your best, but will still love you when youre at
your worst.
These standards are universal and they are not unrealistic. You
may have some personal additions to make, but overall, everything
described should be a non-negotiable.

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CHAPTER 6: How to Get Him To Treat

You Better And Value You More
We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting
something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating
what we do have. - Frederick Koenig
In the early stages of a relationship, a man will naturally be on his
best behavior in order to win you over. He puffs his chest, fans his
peacock feathers, and enraptures you in a beautiful world of vivid
colors and endless possibilities. Unfortunately, the pretty show will
inevitably come to an end leaving you in a far less glamorous and
effortless placereality.
As things progress, you may notice that your guy doesnt seem to
appreciate you as much, or that the romance has dwindled. This drop
in attention can be very upsetting for women and a knee-jerk reaction
may be to say something, which can backfire and lead to a greater
decline.
Women tend to make this one critical mistake when trying to get a
guy to do somethingasking him to do it. Or rather, harping on him
to do it. This will not work; he wont see your request as guidance,
hell see it as nagging.
This chapter is less about his explaining his behaviors, as it is an
examination of your behavior and mindset, and how they impact the
way he responds.

A LITTLE APPRECIATION GOES A LONG WAY

Guys are raised to be mendependable and non-needy. But you
would be amazed how starved men are to feel appreciated and

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acknowledged for everything they do.

No guy will ever ask for it. In fact, most guys don't even know what
they're missing and wouldn't know to ask for it. Plus, you can't really
ask to be appreciated. So men typically plod through their lives,
grinding away to be the best man they can be, but feel unnoticed,
unacknowledged, and unappreciated for who they are and what they
contribute.
Here's a magical secret, something that transforms a man so
much that he cant help but feel a profound love and connection with
his girl (even when he previously had her filed in his good time only
folder):
Ready? When a woman sees a man and acknowledges him for all
the things he feels everyone else ignores.
This doesnt refer to his material wealth, surface-level
accomplishments, or anything on a superficial plane. He wants to feel
appreciated and acknowledged for his inner goodness. When a man
feels that a woman truly sees him and truly gets him, he can't help
but love her for making him feel understood like nobody else does.
Now be careful with what were about to tell you and make sure to
use this power for good, not to manipulate men into falling in love with
you for sport. Men are so starved for a deep connection, appreciation,
and recognition of their best qualities that they'll do anything for the
woman who recognizes those things in them.
The thing is, your appreciation has to be sincere. You can't come
from a place of trying to force a connection with him, or from a place
of expressing appreciation just so hell do more for you. Rather, you
need to sincerely look at your guy through those eyes of appreciation,
acknowledgement, and recognition of his best self. It has to be
genuine and cannot be faked.
It may seem obvious, but tons of women cant seem to come from

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this genuine place because they're either:

1) Too frightened of being taken advantage of, losing the guy,
something going wrong.
- Or 2) They resent men on some level; they're holding onto some past
grudge or battle; they need to "get theirs" first before giving anything
to the man.
How to Encourage Good Behavior
Talking about stuff isn't what's going to change your relationship for
the better. Being better will change your relationship for the better.
We cant stress this one enough: focus on loving yourself and
feeling truly content with your life just as it is. When you live a happy
and fulfilled lifestyle, any dating problems will take care of
themselves.
When you look outside of yourself to fill an emotional void of your
own, the world will treat you like a beggar and coldly turn away from
you. If a woman is emotionally dependant on the guy (a.k.a. needy),
she doesnt have the ability to give freely because shes so fixated on
taking and needing.
You should want, appreciate, and desire your man without
needing something from him. When he knows that you dont need
him to be a certain way, he will want to do things for you because he
feels he is acting within his own freedom, not constraint. Hell want to
give you the little extras because he knows theyll make you happy,
not because he feels like your emotional livelihood is depending on it.
If you want to get more of the little things, you should reward him
for the good behavior. A simple thank you is nice, but it doesnt
have the same emotional impact as doing something that feels as

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good to him as he makes you feel when he does what you like.
To encourage more good behavior from him, reward him by
telling him what he did that you liked, tell him how it made you feel,
and then show him through some action that will make him feel really
good.
For examples, saying something like: When you did this, you
made me feel like XYZ, followed by reward.
This approach works infinitely better than saying any of the
following:
- Can you please do this?
- I want you to do this.
- I need you to do this.
- Why don't you do this?
- I told you to do this!
- DO THIS OR ELSE!
In the first example, you are acknowledging what he did right and
are showing appreciation for him. Youre telling him that he won at
making you happy, which is the ultimate formula in communicating
what good behavior is to a man. In the other examples, youre
dwelling on what he does wrong. Doing this will remind him of the
way his mother used to yell at him for misbehaving, and like a
stubborn child, he will do the opposite of what he is told. When you
focus on what hes doing wrong, he feels defeated and will lose any
motivation to do the things you want.
It is also important to note that men like specific compliments
much more than general ones. For a man, receiving a compliment for
a specific action ("Thank you for doing the dishes, that was so
thoughtful of you) has a much greater impact than telling him what he
is (You're so thoughtful). While women are thrilled with general
compliments of the you're so pretty/smart/funny/etc. sort, men crave

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acknowledgment for specific actions, even seemingly minor ones.

Have you ever asked a man to kill a bug for you? If so, you have
undoubtedly seen his face light up like a Christmas tree after you
thanked him for his bravery. If you were just judging the expression
on his face alone, youd think this guy just rescued a dozen orphans
from a burning building!
A woman who can appreciate the small stuff is the ultimate male
fantasy. It really is as simple as that. Show him you care, appreciate
him, see the good in him, see the winner in him, and he will go to the
ends of the earth and back to make you happy.
You can't get people to change by force or by exerting pressure. If
you want your guy to change a behavior, try to convey it with your
actions, or with reinforcing compliments. If hes not taking the hint and
you need to address an issue more directly, do it when you're clearheaded and calm (and only have the talk once, any more than that
and you enter nag-territory). If things don't improve, you have two
options: accept him as he is or end it.
Show Him How to Make You Happy and He Will
Above all, a guy wants the girl hes with to be happy. He wants her to
be pleased with him. He wants her to be satisfied with who he is as a
person and who he is in the relationship. While that might sound very
altruistic and cheery, there's a selfish-motivation too: the hottest,
sexiest, most attractive version of any woman is the thoroughly
happy version.
When you show a man that he makes you (and can continue to
make you) happy, he will make it his mission to do so. When a man
feels like he cant make a woman happy, he will not want to be in a
relationship with her (or if he stays, he will not want to deepen it). On
the other hand, when a woman acknowledges him for all the things
hes doing well, he will almost certainly want to deepen the
relationship and stick with it.

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Your man isnt a mind reader, though. You have to help him out a
bit by showing appreciation and acknowledgement when he does
something right. To a man, a woman who is thoroughly happy with
him is a beautiful woman.
Men and women try their best to guess how to make each other
happy, but there is nothing more refreshing in a relationship than
when a woman simply tells the guy what she likes and how it makes
her feel. The trick is it cannot be done in a needy or punishing way. It
also cant be done in a way that makes him feel bad about how he
was doing things previously.
For example, if a guy doesn't wear cologne and his girlfriend
comments on some other guy's cologne and how good it smells, the
boyfriend feels like he "lost" against that other man and resents her
for awarding that other man as the "winner." In her mind, she was just
commenting on the cologne she liked, but to her boyfriend, she just
took some other guy and crowned him king in that moment.
Now the cologne statement is a point of contention with the
boyfriend. Every time he hears the word cologne he's reminded of his
girlfriend hinting that some other guy was above him, that he
wasn't the best in her eyes, he wasn't the winner. And he'll resent her
for it. When someone in a couple resents something, they will always
get even eventually. Always. At some point down the line, he'll make
a comment about another girl having an attractive feature or quality
and she'll resent it... and on and on.
This is the resentment cycle and it represents what many
couples have as an undercurrent in their relationship.
The better way to get a guy to do what you want is to simply say
that you love this cologne and you'd love it on him. And why should
he get it? Because it makes you feel turned on by him. Because it
makes you feel love for him. Because it makes you feel
desire/lust/passion for him.

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BE THE PRIZE AND HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE CAN TO

WIN YOU OVER
This is the most important concept of all when it comes to this crazy
little thing called love. Its called prizability. That is, carrying yourself
like a prize that must be earned.
People tend to put value on that which is rare and that which they
have to work fornot just in relationships, but in all aspects of life; we
dont value what is just handed to us nearly as much.
Its a tale as old as time. Boy A and boy B both want the same
super cool new toy. Boy A's parents give it to him simply because he
wants it (and he asked nicely to boot!). Boy B's parents tell him if he
wants it, he has to save up for it.
Boy A enjoys the new toy, for a little bit at least. Soon enough the
novelty wears off and he starts thinking about the next toy he wants.
Boy B spends months saving his allowance and doing extra
chores around the house in exchange for a bonus. Every day he
thinks about how amazing hell feel when he finally gets his hands on
that toy; he pictures how fun it will be to play with it, how envious his
friends will be.
Its the same toy, it cost the same amount, but its value was very
different to each boy.

The Thrill of the Challenge

There is definitely an art to being challenging while still coming across
as charming and fun. The value of being challenging is to make sure
the guy brings his best self to the table; not the passive guy whos
going to just run his game knowing youll eat it up. If youre trying to
be challenging and are instead coming across as bitchy, youre doing

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it wrong.
Men are competitive by nature; they want to feel like they are
working toward something special. When its too easy, hell get bored.
When you keep him in check, itll keep him on his toes.
Its not really the chase that men love. In theory, most men would
prefer to be Boy A and get the toy just because they want it. What
men love, what keeps them in the game, what forces them to up the
stakes and go the extra mile (even when they know theres probably
some other chick out there who would give in way sooner) is the
reward. Boy B didnt like doing all those extra chores around the
house; he would have rather been outside playing. However, it was
all worth it for that moment of victory.
Men love the feeling of getting the girl they had to earn. They love
feeling like they won at an incredibly challenging game. When a man
believes that he truly earned the girl, he will want to parade his
trophy all over town. He will make her his girlfriend; he will
announce it to the world on Facebook; he will introduce her to all of
his friends and his family because he wants the world to know that
she is his. He wants to claim her because hell be damned if any
other guy tries to get a piece of his trophy, his ultimate prize.
The moral of the story: show him that you are not easily won and
hell work that much harder to impress you. As you know by now, the
more effort we put into someone, the more we end up liking and
valuing the person.
How to Be the Prize
Beliefs set the groundwork for establishing yourself as a prize; what
you believe becomes your reality. When you dwell on how
perfect/smart/sexy/talented/successful/special/rare he is, you make
him the golden ticket in the relationship. If you obsess about how he
feelsor doesnt feelabout you, if you analyze every tiny thing he

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says or does, if you feel terrified by the thought of losing him, if you
feel unworthy of him, then you are not the prize, you are his doormat
and he will treat you as such.
When you're the prize, he's thinking, "Wow, she could have had
anyone and she picked me. I will do whatever I can to keep her
happy. When he's the prize, his thoughts sound more like, "I could
have had anyone and I chose her. I can behave however I want and
she'll still be here because she's lucky to have me."
The easiest way to establish yourself as the prize is to come into
the relationship already feeling complete. Fill your life with exciting,
meaningful activities. Find some new hobbies, take an interesting
class, do volunteer work, spend time connecting with friends who
truly love youanything that will make your life fulfilling, wellrounded, and amazing.
If you start dating a guy who you consider to be out of your
league, remind yourself that you are the prize that he is trying to win
over. Say it in your head over and over until you truly believe it. Him
wanting you isnt enough; he needs to put in the effort to get you. This
isnt on demand cable; he doesnt get to have what he wants as soon
as he wants it with the click of a remote.
The Winning Attitude
A prize doesnt put up with anything she doesnt want; she doesnt try
to coerce or manipulate her man in order to get her way. Instead, she
carries herself in a way that tells him if he doesnt treat her right, shell
leave without a flicker of hesitation. Its not to say that shes cruel,
unforgiving, or threatening at all. In fact, having standards allows her
to be as sweet as honey whenever possible since she knows that she
wont settle or be taken advantage.
When a woman sees herself as the prize, she isnt terrified of
losing him because her sense of self is not contingent upon the

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success of the relationship. In turn, he becomes terrified of losing her,

knowing that girls like this are few and far between. She doesnt
worry about what guys think of her because she believes if a guy
somehow manages to overlook her immense value, he is not worth
her time.
A prize doesnt hold onto her man as a lifeboat, fearing she can
never do better so she had better do whatever it takes to keep him
happy. No, she sees the relationship as a nice little bonus to her
already fabulous life. She isnt afraid of losing him because she
knows shell be able to find better should things go awry. As a result,
he becomes afraid of losing her, knowing he probably wont ever find
better.
Its not that she sees relationships as insignificant; she just wont
put forth the effort or investment until he shows that he is worthy of it.
Perceived Value
There is nothing more intoxicating to a man than feeling personally
wanted and chosen by an in-demand girl. On the other side of the
coin, there is nothing more alarming than feeling like a girl has
an ulterior motive, or is somehow objectifying a guy to get something
(approval, attention, self-esteemthe usual neediness suspects).
When someone has perceived value, he or she is instantly a hot
commodity. Think about celebrities; male celebrities, no matter what
they look like, have gaggles of girls pouncing on them and trying to
get their attention with every step they take (weve seen it first-hand!).
This happens for typical heartthrobs, as well as the unfortunate
looking ones who are just lucky they hit it big. It isnt about the fame
or the money and, for many male celebrities, it certainly isnt about
the looks. Its about the fact that they could have anyone they want,
and this is what makes many women so desperate to be the chosen
ones (If he can have anyone and he picks me, then I must really be

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special!).
Whether you have tons of guys pursuing you or not is irrelevant.
Remember, thoughts have a way of turning into reality. If you believe
you can have any guy, youll start sending out that vibe and suddenly
you will become irresistible to all men.
This isnt a game; this is called being confident. When you are
truly confident, then you will believe you can have anyone you want
because you see your own value and expect others to as well.
It Isnt Just a Relationship Thing
Prizability applies to many areas of life other than relationships. They
say when you go in for a job interview you should pretend to be the
interviewer. This is essentially the same concept because when you
change roles, you establish yourself as the prize that the employer
needs to win over.
If you go into the interview thinking: Pick me! Pick me! If I don't
get this job I'll be penniless and out on the street. I need this, my
livelihood depends on it! you will probably get sympathy points, but
you most likely won't get the job.
If you go in doubting your rsum, doubting your experience and
your abilities to rise to the occasion, you will project that attitude and
will essentially be telling the interviewer (not through your words,
through your demeanor) that you don't believe you are worthy of this
job, but they should give it to you anyway.
Now take someone else who feels confident in her skills. Maybe
she doesn't have enough experience, but she has no doubt that she
is motivated and talented enough to get the job done. She goes in not
thinking, but knowing she is the best possible candidate. As the best
candidate, she wants to know what this job will give to her. Send
these two kinds of candidates to interview for the same job and the

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less qualified (but confident) one will get it every time.

Thoughts have real resonance and the vibes we send out can
make a huge impact in our daily interactions. Ever notice how the
guys you're not interested in are the ones who show the most interest
in you? Or that you get hit on more when you're off the market? This
also carries over to the workplace. When you're looking for a job,
there's nothing out there. As soon as you have a great job, all these
other opportunities come your way. This isn't the universe playing
some sort of sick joke on you; its the universe reacting in accordance
with the vibes you're putting out.
When someone knows you have a choice, they will automatically
focus on, and desire, your best qualities. When someone perceives
that you have no choice, and are instead filled with desperation and
neediness, they will hone in on your faults, possibly as an attempt to
understand what lead you to that place.
What it Looks Like
Before Derek met Ashley, he firmly believed that he did not want a
girlfriend until he got his life a straightened out. He even dated a
wonderful, albeit needy, girl for almost a year and managed to skate
by without becoming official. After meeting Ashley, everything
changed. With her, everything felt relaxed and comfortable. They
were open and honest with one another and didn't feel like they had
to act like anything other than who they were. They didn't rely on
each other for anything and, as a result, they each felt appreciated,
wanted, seen, inspired, and recognized. Neither one tried to gain
ground or get the upper hand; it was one of those rare and magical
mutually-fulfilling relationships from the start.
Ashley didn't need anything from Derek; she didn't need
reassurance; she didn't need a confidence boost; she didn't
needanything. She chose Derek entirely because of desire and

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appreciation without a shred of need. And because she wasn't needy,

she didn't put up with something she didn't want. Derek knew, without
her saying a word, that she could have had 20 guys lined up to take
his place with the snap of a finger. As a result, he became the man
he always wanted to be, knowing it would be the only way to keep
her. He became the man a girl like her deserves.
In the relationship, Derek finally felt accepted for exactly who he
was. For the first time in many years, he felt good about life, he felt
good about himself, and he felt good about the possibilities that lay
ahead.
He became official with Ashley after three weeks and didn't
hesitate to change his status on Facebook, MySpace, or anywhere
else right away, even though he had sworn off going public with
relationships after being badgered into it by an ex-girlfriend a few
years prior. Derek was happy for the first time in a very long time and
wanted the entire world to know it.
For Derek, things like "freedom" or "independence" or "hooking
up" or "living the single life" paled in comparison to the way he felt
when he was with Ashley. He wanted to feel that way forever.
It hasn't been forever, but they have been happily married for five
years and are as crazy about each other now as they were from the
start.

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BONUS FOOTAGE
If you find yourself still struggling to understand men, refer to this
handy snapshot for some universal male truths.
Most men
Are open to relationships with the right woman
Are insecure about their abilities, their attractiveness, their
ability to turn you on. Acknowledging when a guy does
something right goes a long way. Men like being complimented
just as much as women, only they dont care if you notice their
haircut or like their outfit, they like being reminded from time to
time about the great qualities they have that made you fall in
love to begin with
Would rather act like a jerk and be rejected for it than put
themselves out there and have their actual self rejected
Want depth in a relationship, but do not know how to get it
Feel negative emotions as though they were arrows that get
stuck in them. It is very, very hard for them to remove an
"arrow," so men do everything they can to deflect, ignore, or
protect against feeling those negative emotions
Have a narrow band of emotions that they would readily seek
out on the emotional spectrum. While women love to watch a
sad movie or cry about something with a friend (once in a
while), guys would be ecstatic if they could forever feel full
(from eating), sexually satisfied, inspired, and accomplished. If
they could live every day feeling only and exclusively those
things they would be totally, completely happy and content- no
drama!

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Final Thoughts
From Sabrina
If you come away from this book with only one lesson let it be this:
relationships work best when you are at your best.
When you are in a state of perpetual reliance on someone else to
fulfill your needs, you aren't in the moment. You aren't enjoying the
relationship for what it is. You aren't giving to the relationship in a
healthy way, and you aren't open and receptive to what the other
person has to give. Rather, you will perpetually be chasing the next
high, on a constant quest to satiate some unfulfilled desire within.
You will wait for a sign that he cares; you will pressure him to say
nice things and do grand gestures. And even then, you will always
feel this lack.
It's easy to pin the source of your yearning on the person who isn't
giving you what you think they should, but the truth is, no one can
give you love if you aren't in a place to receive it.
When you need something, you are no longer able to see the
other person for who they are; only what you can get from them. This
isn't always a conscious thing, oftentimes it lurks just beneath the
surface, causing chaos and difficulties in your relationship for reasons
you can't quite pin down.
If you have a firm sense of self, if you truly believe you deserve
love and are worthy of having the kind of relationship you want, then
you are ready to be in such a relationship. When you get a handle on
these things, you won't worry if a guy doesn't text back, nor will you
feel worthless because the man you believe is your soul mate won't
acknowledge you as his girlfriend. Instead, you will have clarity and
objective awareness. You will see the situation for what it is and you
will have a strong sense of what it is you want, which will prevent you

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from settling for situations that fall short.

When you can see and accept the goodness within you, you will
no longer be looking for measures of your worth on the outside. You
won't wonder, you won't stress, you won't analyze, you'll just know.
You'll know that the guy who gets the privilege of being with you will
be the luckiest man in the world; you'll know that you will be treated
like a queen, and you won't be afraid to walk away when you aren't
being treated in the way you deserve.
In any interaction, be it with a significant other or with a friend or
family member, all you can do is bring your best self to the table.
When you do this, you will usually elevate the other person to their
best self and that is the greatest gift you can give. If it doesnt work
out, at least you did your best. Anything more is beyond your control.
While I knew a lot about overcoming relationship challenges
before writing this book, the actual process itself took me to a whole
new level. With each passing chapter, I couldn't help but reflect on
situations from my past, only this time it was with a lens of clarity and
knowing exactly why those relationships failed. It sounds crazy, but I
could literally pinpoint the moment when things shifted and his
interest started to wane (this was usually tied to my acting needy in
some capacity, no big surprise there!).
Working on A New Mode for the past few years and writing this
book have turned me into the kind of woman I always wanted to be
strong, confident, and undeterred by setbacks in the relationship
department. I learned how to get myself to a place of feeling happy,
whole, and complete. I stopped beating myself up if a relationship
didn't pan out the way I hoped it would. I learned to find happiness
within myself and to stop relying on the outside world to give me what
I thought I needed.
My greatest hope is that you will experience the same kind of joy
and inner peace. I hope that you have learned to see your immense,

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inherent value and are now strong enough to stay away from anyone
who demeans this value.
As you physically close this book, I hope you also metaphorically
close the book on the past. Forget about your pain and heartbreak,
about the times you acted desperate, about the guys who dumped
you, and the ones who made you feel not good enough. It's time to
move on and start a new chapter because you're a different person
now. Back then you were a naive girl who didn't know better and did
what she thought she had to in order to love and be loved. Now,
you're a wise and savvy woman who knows her worth and knows she
can have the exact relationship she wants. You know what men think,
you know why they respond the way they do in certain situations, you
know the value of loving yourself, and you know how to be the kind of
person that gets exactly what she wants, both in relationships and in
life as a whole. This is some powerful stuff and you should take the
time to really bask in this knowledge.
The past is done and the future has just begun. Savor the moment
and use the insights youve gained to get exactly what you want out
of life.

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