Table Manners

You must know……….

1. Sit Down and claim your property.
2. Use your utensils correctly.
3. Eat Properly.
4. Finish with a flourish.
Definition of Manners

The word Manners is defined in dictionary as social conduct as per the rules
prevalent in the society that one lives in. And if one aspires to attain any degree of
social standing it is absolutely necessary to conform to these rules. There are
Manners set for every aspect of social existence among which Table Manners play
an important part in making a favorable impression. They are visible signals of our
behavior and upbringing and therefore essential to professional as well as personal
success.

SO we are……….

We have notoriously poor table manners. We slurp our soup, chomp our chocolate
cake, spill our salt, and belch our blessings. And while all this slurping, chomping,
spilling, and belching can be seen as quaintly charming, we are no longer living in
little wooden shacks in the Ozarks where we prop our feet on the table and scoot
aside to make room for our 26 cats, dogs, and other varmints. What we need is some
table manners! And these notes are just the piece that'll give them to you.

Before we begin, let us assure you of one thing: these notes are going to teach you
the basic table manners you should use at every meal. We're not going to teach you
about lesser-used table items (such as fingerbowls) because frankly, you almost
never use those things, and even when you do, no one else will know how to use them
either.
  Sit Down and claim your property
There are so many rules about proper table manners that it would take forever to
list every nitpicky item. So let's move right to the meal. But wait! Should a man pull
a woman's chair out for her before she sits? Well, it depends. If they are on a date
in a nice restaurant, sure. But at a nice restaurant, the person who seats the couple
will probably pull the chair out for her, so you have nothing to worry about. This
leads to...

GENERAL TIP #1: For all questions involving etiquette, just use your brains

Men don't have to get all Victorian and insist on standing up every time a woman
leaves or returns to the table. Just be polite. Now, if you're a guest at someone's
house, don't sit until the host sits first (unless the host told you to just go sit down
at the table). In fact, when dealing with hosts, remember…

GENERAL TIP #2: Never does anything until the host does it first

This includes sit, eat, put your napkin on the table, and leave. After all, the host is
paying for the shindig, so at least make him/her feel like (s) he’s in charge.

OK, so we've overcome the enormous hurdle of getting your rump into the chair.
Now it's time to take inventory and figure out which stuff is yours. We've all gone
to a dinner and used our neighbor's fork, glass, bread plate, or husband. My, how
embarrassing! So here's a shortcut so that you can know exactly what is yours: (1)
Your plate is in the center. (2) Knives and spoons are on your right, and forks and
your napkin on the left. (3) Liquids (e.g., your water) go to your right, and solids
(e.g., bread plate) go on your left. Here's a funky example of what the utensil layout
in front of you may look like:
There might be more forks, knives, or spoons, depending on what the meal is, but
you get the general idea. If you need another shortcut, remember that your drink is
always on the right because the first two letters in the word "DRink" stand for
"Drink Right." Catchy, eh? Just know that your bread plate is on the other side, and
you're set!

One note if you happen to be the host: remember that all items (e.g., salad, meal,
wine, water) should be brought to each diner's RIGHT, and cleared from each
diner's LEFT. That's why the glasses are all on the right.

There are so many rules about proper table manners that it would take forever to
list every nitpicky item. So let's move right to the meal. But wait! Should a man pull
a woman's chair out for her before she sits? Well, it depends. If they are on a date
in a nice restaurant, sure. But at a nice restaurant, the person who seats the couple
will probably pull the chair out for her, so you have nothing to worry about. This
leads to...

 Use your utensils correctly

OK, hot shot. You know where your stuff is. But now it's time to know how to use
everything properly. Take your napkin and place it in your lap right away when you
sit down. (It should never be on the table.) Don't get fancy and try to snap it open.
Just put it on your lap (NOT into your shirt). If you're a man, do not put your tie
over your shoulder.

Now you can take some bread from the breadbasket. Take only one slice of bread.
(It's OK to rip it from the loaf with your hands, but be neat. Don't declare war on
the bread and cheer when you get your slice separated.) Here's a common mistake:
DO NOT butter your bread at this point. Yeah, you heard us. This is how to do it:
 1. Take some butter, and put it on your plate, not on the bread. Now you have
your own little pile of butter and won't continually fish from the communal
butter dish.
2. Tear a bite-size piece off of your bread.
3. Butter that bite-sized pieces from your own little butter pile.
4. Eat it with delight.

The first part of the meal comes: the appetizers. But what utensil should you use?
You can find the answer in…
 GENERAL TIP #3: Use your utensils from the outside in

Here's a funky example of what the utensil layout in front of you may look like:

The fork furthest to the outside is the one you should use for the appetizer. When
the next part of the meal comes, use the next outermost fork, and so on. Same deal
goes for the spoons and knives. If you're in a fancy restaurant or a party at
Buckingham Palace, you might be lucky enough to have waiters who will remove any
utensils you won't need. But even if you do not have this luxury, we still implore: use
your brains! You won't use a knife to eat your soup. You won't use a spoon to eat
your salad. But let's say that you lose track of your utensils and get lost. Then,
proceed to…

GENERAL TIP #4: If you're not sure what to do, wait and see what your
neighbor does. If that offers no clue, then just fake it

Chances are, nobody's watching you closely enough to see that you're using your
dinner fork instead of the salad fork (the salad fork is the smaller one). Don't draw
attention to yourself. Don't make a big deal of it. Just take a guess and eat. If you
used the wrong utensil, the waiter will bring you a replacement.

Here is the proper technique for using a fork and knife. Assuming you are right-
handed, hold the fork in your left hand and knife in your right. With the tines
facing downward (curving towards you), hold down an end-piece of whatever you are
cutting (let's assume it's meat). Do not hold the knife or fork like a dagger, but
rather, place your index finger along the top of each utensil, holding each at the
end. This gives you greater control without looking like you're hacking into the poor
dead animal. Gently, using a sawing motion, cut the meat near the tines of the fork,
so that you have one bite-sized piece. Then, lay the knife down (without allowing it
to touch the table), and switch the fork (complete with pierced meat) to your right
hand. Bring it up to your mouth, chew quietly, and swallow when the meat is
sufficiently masticated. This is called the American (or Zig-Zag) method of cutting
food. The Continental (or European) method consists of not switching hands, and
using the left hand for all fork-related activities.

Before we move on, remember the thing we said about not letting the knife touch
the table? That's because…

GENERAL TIP #5: You should never let any utensils, once used, EVER touch
the table again

This includes leaning a fork onto the plate, or using a knife and putting it back in its
original place. The original reason is because the utensil could dirty the tablecloth (a
major faux pas) and result in a cleaning bill for the host. So once a utensil is used,
it's lifespan is over. Get over it, and leave it on the plate at all times.

One last note should be made about soup. Many people do not know how to correctly
use a soup spoon, so we will supply you with…

GENERAL TIP #6: Do not put the entire soup spoon in your mouth

Instead, fill a soupspoon about 75% with soup, bring it up to your mouth, and sip it
from the side with as little slurping as possible. When your soup runs low, it's
acceptable to tip your bowl away from you so that you can capture the last bits of
soup, but don't do that more than twice. And remember to lower your spoon into
your soup gently so that it doesn't bang the bottom of the bowl. Imagine 20 people
eating soup and banging their bowl bottoms.

 Eat Properly
So now you are sitting at a lovely dinner, using your eating utensils in the most
proper way possible. And then you let an enormous burp fly. Whoops! There are a lot
more to table manners than just using the right fork. You also have to have correct
manners with regard to how you eat.

Posture

Always sit straight up in your chair, never leaning backward, nor forward. Never let
your elbows touch the table (though you can put your hands on the table all you
want). When eating, do not bring your face toward the plate (a la a pig's trough),
but bring the utensil up to you. You're the master! But what if you drop something?
You should suavely signal a waiter so that (s) he could replace the item. (Don't pick
up the dirty fork and put it on the table. That's just gross.) But if it's your napkin
that escaped, just excuse yourself as you lean down, pick it up, and continue with
whatever you were doing.

Passing stuff

If someone asks for something to be passed to him or her, only reach for it if you
are the closest one to the item. In that case, take the one item and place it directly
next to your neighbor. (Do not pass it hand-to-hand.) Continue passing the item in
this manner until the original requester has the item. And oddly enough, you are not
allowed to help yourself to the item until the original requester gets a chance at it
(after all, (s)he asked first). When that person is done, you can ask the item to be
passed back to you, and enjoy!

Salt and pepper

An additional note needs to be made about using salt and pepper: if someone asks
you to pass the salt, do it in the same manner above, but pass BOTH the salt and
pepper (even if only one of the two were asked for). Again, do not use guerrilla
tactics and try to use the salt until after the original requester had a chance with
it. Also, NEVER use salt or pepper on your food until after you have already tasted
it. It's a huge insult to the cook if you try to add flavor before even tasting it stag.
And while we think it's blatantly obvious, we'd feel guilty if we didn't remind you:
don't ever season a dish that everyone is supposed to share (not with salt, pepper,
catsup, parmesan cheese, not with anything). Keep your own creative additions to
your own plate.

"Embarrassing" Moments

Did you burp? Did you spill something? Did your pet monkey poop on the table? To
handle these little unfortunate accidents, just try to channel the aura of James
Bond and think: be classy, be classy, be classy. If anything comes out of your mouth
other than speech (e.g., burp, hiccup, chicken nugget), just excuse yourself quietly
(to nobody in particular), and put your napkin to your lips. This is a good time to talk
about general napkin etiquette. Never smear your napkin all over your face, or wipe
your mouth hard. Just use it to blot your mouth. But if you spill something, then
follow…
 GENERAL TIP #7: If you spill something, don't make a big deal of it

It happens. Just be calm, quietly apologize, try to prevent anything from spilling
over onto the people sitting next to you with your napkin, and get a waiter to help
you control the damage. If something spills onto someone's clothes, do NOT try to
get it off his or her clothes. That's technically known as a "sexual harassment
lawsuit waiting to happen." Point it out, let them clean it up, offer to pay the dry
cleaning bill, and then let it go. Hey, as we all learned when we were two years old,
accidents happen, and they can often be wet and messy. Just keep your cool. Oh,
and if your pet monkey poops on the table, then carefully remove the primate, and
take everyone out to a very expensive restaurant where monkey brains are on the
menu. Then everybody will laugh! No.

Using your fingers

A big question regarding eating properly is when it's OK to use your fingers, and
when you must use a utensil. While we provide a small list of finger foods, there is a
tip you can follow, which is...

GENERAL TIP #8: If you're not sure whether or not you can eat something
with your fingers, just use a utensil

Hey, we're not brain surgeons here, but this just makes sense. Better to be over-
careful than under-careful. As for foods that you can eat with your fingers, they
include:

• asparagus (as long as there is no goo on it, and it's not too long)
• Bacon/ Sausages (but only if it is crisp)
• Sandwiches
• Cookies
• Small fruits or berries with stems
• French fries and potato chips
• Hamburgers and hot dogs and Burgers
• Corn on the cob
• Pickles
 Pacing

This is not the Maruti 800, and the food is not going to walk away. So take your
time! Don't fill your mouth with too much food. Try to keep the same eating pace as
your host, so that you all finish at the same time. It is not a compliment when
someone leans over and says "Boy, good thing you didn't eat the plate" or "Want to
finish some time before the next thaw?"

Mom-isms

Just think of this as the potpourri of things you've heard all your life about table
manners. Most of them were 100% correct:

• Don’t grab food

• Don’t talk with your mouth full
• Chew with your mouth closed and no noise
• Excuse yourself if you get up to go somewhere (e.g., bathroom, to make a call)
• Don’t pick something out of your teeth (just excuse yourself to the bathroom)
• Don’t leave lipstick smears on anything
• Don’t put crap on the table (meaning a purse, papers, keys, or monkey poop)
• Don’t smoke
• Don’t tilt or squirm in your chair.
• Do not play with the table utensils or crumble the bread.

• Do not put your elbows on the table, or sit too far back, or lounge
• Do not talk loud or boisterously
• Be cheerful in conduct or conversation
• Never, if possible, cough or sneeze at the table.
• Never tilt back your chair while at the table, or at any other time.
• Do not talk when the mouth is full
• Never make a noise while eating
• Do not open the mouth while chewing, but keep the lips closed. It is not
necessary to show people how you masticate your food.
• Never indicate that you notice anything unpleasant in the food.
• Do not break your bread into the soup, nor mix with gravy. It is bad taste to
mix food on the plate.
• Never leave the table before the rest of the family or guests, without asking
the host or hostess to excuse you.
• Eat soup with the side of the spoon, without noise.
• The fork is used to convey the food to the mouth, except when a spoon is
necessary for liquids.
• Raw oysters are eaten with a fork.
• If you wish to be served with more tea or coffee, place your spoon in your
saucer.
• Tea or coffee should never be poured into the saucer to cool, but sipped from
the cup.
• If a dish is presented to you, serve yourself first and then pass it on.
• Never allow butter, soup or other food to remain on your whiskers
• Never wear gloves at the table, unless your hands are for some special reason
unfit to be seen.
• Never, when serving others, overload the plate nor force upon them delicacies
which they decline.
• Never make a great display when removing hair, insects or other disagreeable
things from your food.
• Place them quietly under the edge of your plate.
• Eat Cheese with a fork, not a knife
• Ask a servant/waiter in a low tone for what you want
• Break your bread, do not cut it.
• Eat fruit with silver knives and forks
• If you prefer, take up asparagus with the fingers. Olives and artichokes are
always so eaten.
• If a course is set before you that you do not wish, do not touch it.
• It is not your business to reprove the waiter for improper conduct; that
belongs to your host.
• A gentleman must help a lady whom he has escorted to the table, to all she
wishes; but it is improper for him to offer to help other ladies who have
escorts
• Use a napkin only for your mouth. Never use it for your nose, face or
forehead.
• It is very rude to pick your teeth at the table. If it becomes necessary to do
so, hold your napkin over your mouth.
  Finish with a flourish
Phew! You made it through the entire meal, and you are just about ready to leave! So
how do you end with a good impression (aside from the one you left on the seat)?
Well, since you read the section on pacing and everyone else is just about done,
here's the landing procedure: place your knife and fork on the plate so that they
are parallel to each other, at the eleven o'clock position (a diagonal from bottom
right to top left) with the points facing away from you. This is different from the
"X" position, with the knife and fork crossing like an X over your plate, which
indicates that you are not done with the plate, but merely resting between bites. To
correctly use the "X" position, the fork bottom should be on the left, and the knife
bottom on the right. Place your napkin next to your plate on the table (but again,
NEVER until everyone is done eating and drinking). Place it loosely (not twisted or
crumpled) and don't put it on the chair (or the chair might get dirty). And after the
bill is paid, stand up, make sure you have your belongings, and get the hell out of
that oppressive environment of manners and etiquette and whatnot. Now you can go
home, put your smelly old feet on the coffee table, and eat as we were all meant to:
stuffing our faces with popcorn and spitting watermelon seeds into a jug that has
never been cleaned out -- all the while knowing how to fake good manners with the
best of them. Happy dining!

Have a Nice and lovely Dinner